Onto day two of @harringroveweek!
The prompt I chose for the 25th was: Sugar Cream Pie!
Warnings on this one include mentions of homophobia and implied/referenced child abuse.
“I already told you, Steve. I ain’t Nancy Wheeler. You can’t just drag me along on some romantic little trist in the middle of the fucking town.”
They’re in Steve’s car after dark with the passenger side window wide open to account for the entire pack of smokes Billy has gone through since they met up. Steve has done this enough times now to know Billy only wastes this many cigarettes, half of them burning out between his fingers and never even touching his lips, when he’s got something on his mind.
Steve tries to offer an outlet to whatever is bothering him, or at least some consolation, “And I told you, the diner is different. People go there as friends all the time. It’s not like it’s Lovers Lake or something. It’s perfectly safe.”
But Billy won’t hear it, “It’s only like ten minutes outta downtown. That’s not enough distance for it to be any different than spray painting my name on the fucking marquee.”
“But nobody who’s there will even suspect a thing.”
“Sure, I ain’t been here long, but I know that nobody eats diner food on a Saturday night ‘cept old people who want to mind your business and sappy high school losers on dates. Exactly the kind of people I don’t want to see us together. The kind of people that will know.” Billy’s voice cracks in the last sentence and Steve feels responsible.
He’s been letting his needs get in the way of Billy’s again. Stupid self-conscious bullshit. And yet-
“Not at Benny’s. If we went to some commercial place on the other side of town, maybe. But Benny’s is local. It’s different. Nobody will even notice us.”
Billy narrows his eyes at him, doubt masking the glimpse of paranoia he’d let into his words, “Do elaborate, Steve. What’s so special about this greasy old joint?”
All Steve can do is shrug and try to make his case, “Well for starters, it’s exactly that, just a greasy old joint. It’s a total dead spot. That and the place is always full of mean looking biker dudes who scare off the wrong crowds anyways. Nothing’s going to happen there of all places.”
“You ever took a guy there before?” There’s another cigarette burning out in Billy’s hand, so in his own head that he’d even forgotten to put this one out the window and there’s ashes crumbling into the center console. Steve plucks it from his hand and puts it out against the side of his car, drops it out the window.
Billy looks restless without it, but he stays quiet, listens for a response. Steve’ll take the fact that he didn’t get upset about the cig as a sign that he’s getting through to him, “No, but I know people who have, and they’ve always been just fine. Besides, it’s not like we’ll be sucking face across the table. Nobody has to know it’s a date.”
Unexpectedly, Steve being prepared to argue for at least twice as long, that’s already enough assurance, and Billy agrees, “Fine. But only because I’ve been wanting to try Indiana food anyways.”
It’s hard to hide the big tacky smile on his face, feeling both a sense of achievement for convincing Billy, and genuine happiness to be going out with him, “Don’t think you’ll be impressed. I’m sure California can do much better than chili cinnamon rolls and sugar cream pie.”
“You’re joking. That shit sounds disgusting.”
“I’m not. And I grew up on all that, so watch your mouth.”
And Billy actually smiles back, comfortable again in this playful back and forth, “Well, now I’ve got to see this. Let’s go, H.”
Like most things with Billy though, the confidence and haste in the car was an act. Once they’re actually in the diner, even seated at a booth away from the windows but closest to the exit, he’s a nervous wreck.
They’ve ordered already but he hasn’t touched the pitch black coffee in front of him. Only spills a few drops by bouncing his knee so much the table shakes. It’s starting to make Steve dizzy.
He checks in, “How you holdin’?”
“Not so hot, Harrington. Could use that slice of pie right about now..”
“Too scared to try the cinnamon rolls, huh?” It’s a lame attempt at a joke, trying to lighten the mood.
Billy at least plays along though, even if he can’t look directly at Steve as he speaks, too occupied with searching for an imaginary threat around them, “Maybe if it were real chili. They’ve never even heard of salt here in Indy though. Think I’ll pass on that mushy slop.”
“Probably for the best.” There's too much tension between them to keep going like that. He can feel that Billy’s about to snap. Steve offers some more assurance, “Hey, nobody’s going to show up here. I promise.”
The little bell above the door that tells when someone comes in rings again and Billy’s head turns to look so fast Steve winces.
“I can’t do it.” All too fast, Billy stands from their table, bumping the underside with his knees, spilling more coffee and knocking over a napkin holder. The noise is enough to turn heads. Steve knows there's no hope now.
Standing to be on his level, Steve tries to reason with him again, figuring his earlier success might be able to be tapped into here, “Hey, come on-“
Must’ve just been luck though. Billy backs a few steps away from him, like he’s repulsed by Steve even being near him. It’s fair enough. It’s the best way to pretend you don’t want anything to do with the guy who’s just made a move on you.
But Steve doesn’t know if this is a genuine reaction, or a performance for an audience that isn’t actually there.
“No. I can't. I can’t. Lemme go.” It doesn’t matter, because either way, Billy leaves.
And before Steve can even go out after him and offer him a ride back at least, he’s stormed off into the night. It’s an uneasy feeling, watching him just disappear like that.
Steve’s not giving up.
A takeout box, an apology to a waitress, and a too-fast midnight drive later, and he’s standing in a bush knocking on Billy’s bedroom window.
Some shuffling inside, a light clicks on, and Billy answers. By that, he just opened the window and stepped back, allowing Steve the room to climb in, but never getting close enough to see him. If it weren’t for nosy neighbors he’d save himself all the trouble, since Billy’s parents won’t be home with Max for an hour or two at least, but it’s better to not go waltzing through the front door anyways.
Albeit clumsily, Steve lifts himself inside, only leaving a little bit of scuff on the siding, once both feet touch the carpeted floor, extending the small styrofoam box of to-go as a peace offering, “I brought you this.”
Billy’s arms are crossed, and he looks generally unimpressed, “Wow. You remembered.”
“I just thought.. you know.”
“Yeah.”
Not knowing what else to do with himself since Billy won’t take it, Steve just sets the box of food down on whatever space there is available on the nightstand, which is to say, none at all, and it ends up balanced precariously on a stack of tapes.
For his own sanity, after the awkward silence that follows, he clarifies, “Are we.. good?”
“Sure, we’re good.” Billy accepts, opening his demeanor, and his arms in the literal sense, “C’mere.”
Steve takes the leap and embraces him, only really realizing once he has him in his arms how close he might’ve been to having nothing to hold onto after Billy stormed out of that restaurant. He feels guilty and sad and just all around awful about pressuring him like that in the first place, “I’m sorry, B.”
Billy shrugs, as much as he can with both arms linked around Steve, muttering some excuse, “S’alright. Not like I was being fair. Never even told you why I’m so squeamish about that shit.”
Hesitantly, Steve pulls back so he can look at Billy while they talk. He’s tired of hiding from these things, even if it’s in a warm embrace, a familiar shoulder to rest his head on. With a small shake of his head, he insists, “You were right though. It was risky and I was being kinda stupid about it.”
“Nah. People go out as friends all the time. I was being paranoid and weird.”
“But sometimes we have to be.”
Billy looks like he’s thinking hard on what to say, and in the meantime he cops a seat on the old couch he’d dragged into his room, and naturally Steve follows, crossing his legs close to his body, almost forcing himself to be small so Billy could take up space and say what’s on his mind for once, “I mean, yeah, but this isn’t just normal caution. I was scared because the last time I went out with a guy my dad walked in and kicked my ass.”
“Like, right there in the restaurant?” It’s a stupid thing to ask and Steve regrets sounding so blunt about something obviously so delicate, but Billy entertains him.
Goes into a long explanation, staring at the ceiling instead of being able to look at Steve, even though they’re sitting close enough to touch, “No. He wouldn’t risk his reputation. He waited ‘til after to rock my shit. It was only when the cops got called afterward ‘cause of the noise and the fact I went missing from school for two weeks straight that we skipped town. 2,000 miles away from the no good queers that had corrupted me in the first place. Or whatever the hell he even believed.”
Steve doesn’t know what to say. There’s always been a good reason to hide from Billy’s dad, but with the minor, passive-aggressive type of homophobia he’d been raised around as the limit to his perspective, he didn’t understand how bad it was. Now he does. “You never told me that.”
“Didn’t want to. But now it’s important. ‘Cause one thing Neil swore was that he’d never do that again.”
He thought he understood at least. But now it sounds like Billy is contradicting himself, with the reasons to be afraid and to not starting to overlap. Doing his best to act like that statement didn’t confuse him, Steve speaks slowly, watching for a reaction from Billy in real time, “That’s.. good? I guess?”
And one comes. A tired sort of bitter expression that tells Steve he’s guessed the intent wrong. “Would be, but it’s not for the right reason. Next time he says he’ll take it out on the other guy instead of me.”
“Oh. That’s-”
“Yeah. It’s not good.” Billy finally looks at him again to declare, with implications very clear this time, be that through experience with Billy’s vagueness or the hurt clear in his eyes, “Don’t want you getting hurt over this, H.”
“I won’t. We just don’t have to go on dates anymore. There’s other things we can do.” He assures, but still Billy is cynical, and counters with, “Sure you wanna risk it? There’s an easier way.”
“Uh, yes, I am. I’m not breaking up with you just because we had one bad date. Believe me when I say that someone walking out is like, the least catastrophic ending to a date I’ve been on.”
“Guess you wanna give it another shot then?”
“How’s tomorrow night at the drive-in sound? Nobody will know it’s us in the dark if we go after it opens.”
“If I'm driving, you got yourself a deal.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow then, Bills.” He leans over to invade Billy’s personal space for a moment, but he thinks better of it. Kisses lead to touches lead to things that take much longer than they have time to kill right now. He glances at the wall clock and confirms that he needs to get out of here quick. A sheepish kiss on the cheek will do for now, “I probably should head out before he gets home.”
Billy sort of refutes him, turning his head to steal a real kiss. But he knows it too. They don’t have much time to work with here. He lets Steve walk towards the window, as slow and hesitant as his stride is, not wanting to leave Billy by himself.
“Hey, Stevie?” Billy interrupts that charged silence, his tone apprehensive to say whatever is on his mind, and Steve instantly turns on his heel to respond, “Yeah?”
Billy picks at the seams in the couch and in his jeans, at his nails, obviously doing anything to avoid looking at Steve, “Thanks for understandin’ me. Nobody’s ever really.. taken the time to listen to me before, I guess.”
The vulnerability there makes Steve never want to leave his side again. If it were up to him, Billy would be far away from this place, where these moments didn’t have to happen between arguments and curfews. Where they could feel happy and safe wherever they went.
For now, he promises, “Hey, I’m always gonna be here for you, Billy. Just don’t forget that you can talk to me whenever.”
There’s a flash of surprise in Billy’s eyes, like he expected to be rejected for opening up. Then he gives a little nod of acknowledgement. The understanding that there’s probably way more to discuss, but no time to do it. For now, they’ve done enough work that a promise, sealed with another short press of his lips to the corner of Billy’s mouth, will do.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
It seems like they’re on the upswing then, the sick feeling he had in his chest watching Billy walk away earlier appeased. The next step would probably be for Steve himself, to actually have the courage to take things to the next step. To tell him those three words that have been choking him up lately, making everything sound deceptively sweet. Pressuring him to do stupid things to prove his feelings because he can’t say them.
Here’s to next time, and to things only getting even better from here.
Seems like they’re going to need all the luck they can get.
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