#my mental state is crap rn

[scribe-of-death]

A Letter to my Parents

Why do I need to hide? What have I done to warrant your wrath? It was one little lie, and all I have ever done is behave, all I have ever done is play along in your disgusting little theater and dance for your amusement. Besides this one little lie, I have never done you wrong, and I never asked for more than my share. Yet why do I still have to hide? You constantly scour every aspect of my life, leaving no stone unturned and no secret unheard. You control every aspect of my life. Maybe that’s why I lie. Do you think, that that’s why I lie? So that I have some sliver of privacy away from your eyes? You find every embarrassing secret you can about me than tell it to your friends to mock and shame me more. You insult me. You treat me like a servant. You forget that I am a living person. It’s a miracle I haven’t killed you yet.

I nearly have before.

I’ve thought of every escape from your cruelty possible. I’ve tried to kill myself, run away, but my favorite option was trying to kill you. I’ve tried to kill you, held a blade to your throat while you slept, the same knife you made me wash for hours on end before I could eat my meal, shined beyond perfection. I would love to have seen it plunged into your throat. But no, I could still use you, manipulate you, take advantage of you in that way you hate. The only reason you are not dead is because I am what you call “selfish”. Yes, I am a selfish person. A selfish person that rarely eats and cuts themself because of you. Yes I am cruel, and rude and disrespectful and arrogant and selfish, but that’s because you are too.

Where do you think I learned my so-called selfishness? The few friends that I have that you won’t let me message? The old man that showed me a kindness on my walk to the store? The people who died fighting for basic rights that you won’t let me learn about? No, I learned it from you. I learned more and more every time we spoke, each disgusted word a new lesson on how to manipulate. I learned how to lie. I am not “acting”, and I never have. I am lying. Almost every word I have ever uttered or murmured to you was a lie, hiding the scalding rage like a large lid over a boiling pot, just whispers of steam coming through the top.

I am disgusted by you. I hate you more than I hate myself, but that is a very low bar thanks to you. So good riddance, you stain upon the earth. You are not trash, but you are the whole dumpster. I hate you, for everything you’ve ever done, and would like to answer a question that you have mockingly asked me many times before, running out of insults and using this like the amazing parent you are. Yes, I do think you’re stupid, thanks for asking.

#my poerty #poetscommunity #poetry #poem #my poem #parenting #parents #I have crap parents #death #death aesthetic #this is a threat #this is also a legit poem about my parents #I’m going to tell them about it the second I leave college and never talk to them again #they fucked up #my mental state is shit #I’m literally on tumblr rn #poets on tumblr #I’m legit not allowed to text people #and if I do #they go through it #I have no privacy what so ever #i fucking hate my life #i fucking hate them #i fucking hate myself #and for the day my parents finally read this: #fuck you #A Letter to my parents

[rachelcommitscrimes]

im gonna rant abt how much i hate the ghost eyes fandom (as a former fan) bc im just kinda mad rn

so uhh yeah major TW for s3lf h4rm, romanticizing mental illness, su1c1de, sadomasochism, infantilization, and rlly just anything related to that

(also sorry if this looks weird idk how to separate stuff on tumblr)

also DO NOT harass the creator or anyone mentioned here, you’re no better than them if you do that

——————————————————————————

ok so i read ghost eyes like 2 years ago but i stopped reading about the point where they were on that field trip. i still think it’s a nice comic and i’m sure the author is a cool person, also the art style is awesome. but the fandom is so fucking gross that i’m surprised more people haven’t talked about it. 

for some backstory on this, i used have REALLY bad depression and was cutting myself regularly (i’m much better now, i have medication, therapy, and i’m almost a year clean) i also stopped reading due to the comic severely damaging my mental health and i’m very glad i did. i was younger and immature and thought i could handle such content. this led to me becoming extremely obsessed with the comic to an unhealthy level, and getting severely attached to one of the characters (rudy) because i could relate to him at that time. i seriously thought that i WAS him sometimes.

i understand now that i should NOT have ignored the label and what i did was definitely wrong and if the creator is reading this i deeply apologize. i’m in a much better place now and i’m just glad that i was able to get the help i needed.

ok now to the angry part

if you don’t know what ghost eyes is, it’s a webcomic about a severely traumatized boy attending school for the first time and meeting a bunch of other severely traumatized kids. this comic has a crap ton of triggering/sensitive/disturbing topics (which is not a bad thing as long as you do it right) and like i said before, the creator has kindly put a warning before the comic starts stating that you SHOULD NOT romanticize/idolize/sexualize/kin any of the characters, do not read unless you can handle such topics, and so forth. now i know i should have definitely put the comic down before and not gotten obsessed over it, but i knew damn well enough that it was messed up to romanticize/sexualize any of the characters/things that happened in the book.

there are several scenes in which a character is self harming or harming someone else, and the comments will say shit like “nooo my poor bean” “awww baby don’t do that” or my personal favorite “protect the smol bean.” first of all, the characters are like 16-17, second of all, i cannot even tell you how fucked up it is that people see someone ruining their lives and putting themselves in danger and think it’s “cute” or “anxiety smol bean uwu” THERES LITERALLY A SCENE WHERE SOMEONE IS GETTING STABBED AND PPL ARE DRAWING THIS MF IN A MAID DRESS.

another reason i despise these fans is that they see an abusive relationship and start making ships/kinning them. as someone who has gone through pretty much everything rudy has gone through, i cant tell you how irritating it is to see people shipping him with his abuser or calling him a “cutie patootie masochist boi uwu” cause lemme tell you what-it doesnt feel good to have to put your health in danger and ruin your relationships with others just so you can get off somehow. ITS NOT FUN. the whole point of rudy’s character is to not romanticize someones fucked up mental health.

i could spend hours talking about this group of immature brats, but i’m tired and it’s a school night and i have a test tomorrow. i might add on if i feel like i need to but overall i really hope those immature fans grow up and realize their mistakes like i did, or get the help they need.

#ghost eyes #webcomic #rant #angry ramblings #angry rant #i hate this fandom #tw su1c1d3 #tw sh implied #go get some help please

[dotterelly]

Hey, so I just wanted to say how nice it's been to vibe with you all today. Seriously, thank you. It's been a long time since I last really interacted with any kind of fandom community, and I wasn't sure about joining one again. I've not been in the best place mentally recently, but I've had such a good time and I'm so grateful to everyone for facilitating that.

I have more to say but I'm throwing it under a cut because it'll be long and not relevant to most people here.

For a long time I've not chosen to join communities for things I liked, either because I already had friends to chat with about it, or because I just kind of felt like people would hate me (I have an internal voice that's always telling me people hate me it sucks ass). Like I seriously think the last time I interacted with a fan community in any meaningful way was the yogscast back in 2012 (yes, I am old.).

In the time between, I've had some big life upheavals and some subsequent mental health breakdowns. I've never got really bad with it, but this last year a lot of the big changes in my life have caught up with me. Turns out immigrating to America the day they closed the borders for covid to enter lockdown in an unfamiliar country with barely any local friends isn't good for your mental state. (Still worth it, I got the best husband ever out of the deal. I'd do it again every time.)

I found the qsmp at my lowest point of last year, when a situation with a colleague and a sudden change in position and responsibility at work caused a 2 week long anxiety attack in a way I've never experienced before, with a side of insomnia. I fell back on old coping habits and found something to escape into, and starting with technoblade I consumed a vast amount of media in a short amount of time, catching up with half a decade of minecraft stuff I'd missed out on. Finally deciding I wanted to follow Philza going forward, I then spent 2 months catching up on all his qsmp vods. I've not been this into something for a long time, and my desire to find people I could screech with when stuff went down brought me round to dusting off my mildly neglected Tumblr account. And I'm so glad I did. I didn't know how much I missed this sort of community.

Thanks to everyone who's interacted with me directly or with my posts in the last couple of weeks. As a heads up, I am not good at consistent tagging and I will just reblog and post any random crap I like in a sort of crazed stream of consciousness, so follow at your own risk! Also I truly intend to just vibe and not engage in any fandom drama. If I reblog anything controversial it is most likely because I'm new and didn't know, or because my neurodivergent ass did not pick up the context or subtext of the thing I reblogged. I do have opinions about things, but I simply do not have the emotional or mental health capacity to properly research situations or deal with discourse like that rn. I just want to vibe and see cool art and fics and theorise a bit and maybe make some friends if I find people I click with.

So that's a bit of an introduction to who I am and what I am about. Thank you all again so much for helping me start to rebuild myself again after a shitty end to the last year. I hope to continue this adventure with everyone going forwards! <3

#qsmp #a personal note

[nikibogwater]

Not to get Real on the main, but I really think we as a society need to talk about puberty and adolescence more. Because right now, everybody just sort of skirts around the reality of it. Even when adults try to talk to kids about it, they do a terrible job of preparing them for the full brunt of it. And what's worse, puberty has started to become inexorably linked to the idea of complete self-discovery and realization, to the point that it seems like everyone between the ages of 12 and 20 is in a self-identification arms race, desperately scrambling to decide who they are, when in reality, they are at the worst possible stage in their lives to do that.

Puberty is a lot more than just reaching sexual maturity. It's actually an entire phase of your life that can take years to pass through, and it involves way more than getting your first period or starting to feel super horny. Once Mother Nature hits you with her Adolescence Bat, your mind and body are going to be in a state of flux for at least five years, probably more. Not only do you have the physical discomfort of weird new biological functions, you're also going to feel very self-conscious and awkward. You're going to feel mentally ill, regardless of whether or not you actually are. You're going to feel anxious about the future, and pressured to figure out who you are and what you're going to do with your life. Everyone else in your age group will likely be pretending that none of this is happening to them, which will further reinforce the idea that there's something wrong with you. You might feel like a blank canvas, a background character, with no personality, no future, no real reason to be in the scene at all. And that can be really. Freakin. Scary. And it's also perfectly normal.

I dunno, I guess all I want to say is, if you're between the ages of 12 and 20 and experiencing all the crap that comes with that time of your life (or really any time of your life), it's okay to take it one day at a time. It's okay to just focus on the basics: eating and sleeping, doing your homework, being kind to others, and having fun. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling...well, wrong. What you're going through is natural, and it will take a few years, but I promise you, it does get better. You will find friends who love you for who you are, even if you haven't completely figured out who that is yet. You'll learn things about yourself by trying new hobbies and talking to people, and that feeling of being a nameless NPC will gradually fade away. And to any parents/guardians whose kid is going through this, try to be patient with them. They're going through a lot, even if it looks like they're perfectly fine on the outside. Make sure they know you love them, even when they pretend not to care, and that your love is unconditional. That can go a long way in helping a child grow into a successful adult.

When I was 16, I felt like I had no personality, that I brought nothing of worth to the world. I couldn't have told you who I was to save my life. But over the years, I slowly grew into the person I am now. I'm a storyteller, an artist, a gamer, a listener, a jokester, a noodle-armed pansy, someone who tries to prioritize being kind above everything else (to varying degrees of success and failure). And who knows who I'll be in another ten years! There's no end to the number of things I still have to learn, or ways in which I can grow, and I hope I never have to stop.

Edit: Also delete your TikTok and Instagram accounts. Trust me, this is genuinely the best thing you can do for yourself rn.

#niki rambles #niki gets sentimental #growing up #puberty #mental health #not sure why i felt compelled to post this #hopefully it isn't too stupid-sounding

[mugeesworld]

One Piece Master List!

Luffy~

Zoro~

Sanji~

Franky~

Shanks~

#heeheemugee #one piece #chubby #chubby y/n #chubby!reader #chubbyreader #robin #nami #one piece headcanons #franky #♥︎ #Master list #Zoro #Sanji #Luffy #one piece luffy #one piece franky #one piece zoro #robin one piece #chopper #One piece smut

[janiedean]

I know it's been a long time, but do you plan on writing Sandor's pov of the Heart Thing series? I'm poor, so I won't commission the fic, but I wanted to at least know how you think he'd deal with it (ex, would he hide and try to ignore it, would he try to be a better person, whisper almost-kind words to it when Sansa is sad?)

hey anon, first of all thank you so much for the kind words and please no need to commission anything like I'm just glad people still remember it T_T

that said with answers for both your questions:

yes I do plan on writing that but when it happens is... up in the air because meh like I'm trying to not sound whiny about it but if it wasn't clear from my less than stellar production lately my mental health has been completely down the drain lately and as it is rn I'm finding it extremely hard to put words together unless I have an extremely hard deadline and as it is I'm trying to finish a bunch of comms that I started but I'm like really struggling with liking anything that I write so tldr: yes but it could be three months from now and it could be next year, sure af I hope it's sooner rather than later because I really don't relish any of this but eh T_T

how he'd deal with having it: first time it happens (which would be after they get together which like.. he can't actually deny it's A Thing yknow she got his so) he thinks he someone went on a bender and forgot even if he tried to cut down on the drinking and then he's like oh god nope it's really here what the fuck and immediately gives it back to her like IM NOT WORTHY HERE, she's like yeah okay sure but I don't think it's gonna end here (she's fine with it), the second time he gets it is when she's sad for some reason and she's not nearby so he has to take care of it and actually worry about it and he's like god what do I do and just keeps it close and tries to not make anyone notice, then it happens again when something bad happens to her and she's not immediately nearby and as you said he tries to tell it something nice which for his standards would be weird but it actually works because she actually feels better and then she's all smug when she tells him and he's like wait what are you fucking kidding me

and she's like sure I'm not :DDDDDDDD

so pattern he always gets it when she's sad or down or has dealt with crappy people and so on and at some point he just embraces it like yknow what I denied it for ages but it makes no sense that I should now oKAY FINE I'M NOT UNWORTHY OF THAT

sansa is just :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD for the entire next month and robb's like did you just propose her or what NOT THAT I'D SAY NO AND NOT LIKE SHE DOESN'T WANT IT sandor is like maaaybe that's uh for another time MAYBE

he probably springs the maaaybe weee should make it official thing not long later tho

robb is just extremely happy of how he matchmade half of this union XD

ngl there were things I wanted to do in that verse including the throbb fic and sansa meeting brienne like you were my role model too but eh as stated at this point I'll be just glad if I manage to finish my commission backlog and/or literally anything that won't feel like crap after five lines so i can't guarantee it's happening at any point soon, sorry anon T_T

#anonymous #ask post #sansan for ts #hearts fic thing #jaime x brienne for ts #i'm not talking abt it much because then i feel like im complaining all the time but #eh i'm at the stage where getting out of bed is a chore™️ and i had to cut back on half of therapy #sssooooooooooooooooooo yeah wish i could tell you when #also for my own sake but T_T #atm i'm not a fan of much of what i put out #which i hate bc i miss the contrary -_- #personal for ts

[deepspacedukat]

Okay I’m sorry 😅 I was actually going to write this story style but I’m so burnt out and still have three 4 page history essays to write so I hope you don’t mind if I write the ideas instead like bullet points almost. But thank you for sticking with the story (even if it’s not really a story rn😂)

Everything had changed on the former federation space station curfews were created, you couldn’t go anywhere without Jem’hadar soldiers watching your every move, no matter how the Founders or vorta tried to spin it there was no denying the station was now a prison. Unfortunately this all was worst for Aris, none of the dominion members saw her as an actual life form. She felt even more trapped when after a few incidents it was agreed that she shouldn’t go anywhere without Leona or one of the couple of federation personal that Leona trusted out of the hand full that took the risk and stayed on the station.

It was evening and between the med bay traffic being slow and Leona being summoned to a mandatory dominion meeting for simply being a changling even if she wasn’t a founder, Aris was left to hold down the fort and keep the Med-bay running. Currently she was organizing the medical tools she had just sterilized and enjoying the chance to be alone for once. Luckily no Jem’hadar soldiers would come into the med bay anymore without reason after Leona had fussed at them and threw them out for scaring and borderline harassing the patients (and also so Aris wouldn’t get picked on and they both could relax). Aris has just placed the last instrument on the shelf when the medical bay door wooshed open, Leona’s or any other friendly voice didn’t greet her as whoever it was entered without a word. She froze, a cold shiver running up her spine for a few tortuously long moments but relaxed a little when she realized the strangers foot steps were much too light to be Jem’hadar.

“Um, hello, take a seat on one of the examination tables and I’ll be right with you.” Grabbing the necessary instruments Aris strided over towards were she heard the person sit down.

“Now, what seems to be the problem.”

“So, your the defective blind vorta I heard about.” A masculine voice spoke, coming from the mystery patient who was sitting on an examination table.

“I have a name, it’s Aris. Please use it.”

“It’s doesn’t matter your defective. You should’ve been despised of as protocol dictates.”

“I’m not defective! My mom says I’m unique, that I simply have a different set of talents and abilities. Still equally important to everyone else’s so I am clearly not defective just different.”

“…Your mother? Vorta are genetically engineered and cloned in birthing chambers. I don’t. Understand.”

“Well she didn’t give birth to me if that’s what you mean but Leona is just as much my mom as a blood one.”

“Leona?…As in the founder? One of our gods?”

“Yes.” He goes silent contemplating as Aris turns on the verbal diagnosis mode on and runs the scanner. Snapping out of his train of thought the young make vorta decides to speak.

“Kostas.”

“Huh?”

“My name is Kostas.”

“It’s nice to meet you. Now do you mind telling me what happened so I can decide on the best course of treatment?”

“It’s classified.”

Kostas stated firmly in a finite manner only for Aris to cross her arms and start tapping her foot as her murky unseeing eyes stared in his direction with impatience for that special brand of Dominion attitude.

The two vorta argued with each other for about 10 more minutes with Aris going ahead and starting to treat wounds until Leona got back seeing the commotion. Having been mentally exhausted from the Dominions crap all it took was for Aris to fill her in on before in a ‘I don’t have time for this’ attitude ordered Kostas to explain what happened. Once Leona assured the young vorta male nothing would happen to him and nothing would be said with this being doctor’s confidentiality he went on explaining and ranting on the tensions between the untrustworthy and disobedient Cardassians and Jem’hadar solders. Apparently a fight broke out and fearing he would get in trouble as it was the unit he was recently given command of, Kostas tried to stop the fight only to get caught in the middle and be injured himself.

After having his wounds treated Kostas went on his way hoping he wasn’t gone too long and would be punished in anyway plus he still had to fill out the incident report and give a debrief on the confrontation. The vorta suppressed a shiver at that for all he knew he could very well loose his rank or even life if his superiors were in a particularly foul mood. When Kostas had left Aris had gone quiet going through the motions and giving short answers not really responding like usual when Leona tried to start a conversation. Having raised her Leona could tell something wasn’t right, she tried prodding trying to get her to tell her what was wrong to no avail and ultimately decided to give the teen space. It wasn’t until later that night when they both were trying to settle down for the night that Aris finally wandered over to stand in the doorway of Leona’s room and spoke up.

“Hey…Mom?” At the sound of Aris’s voice Leona shapeshifted out of her bucket having just reversed to liquid only a few minute prior

“Yes starlight?”

“Is-is it true?” Hearing her shapeshift and feeling Leona’s gaze fall onto her. Aris though she couldn’t see tilted her head down. She’d be looking at the floor if she could see.

“Is what true Aris?” Leona frowned at Aris’s sad tone and nervous hesitation then added “You know you can tell me anything.”

“That I’m defective? Everyone seems to think that somethings wrong with me, that it would be better if-if I wasn’t…here.” Aris forced out as Leona’s eyes widened in growing horror.

”You are not defective. There is nothing wrong with you. I’m sorry everyone is making you feel like your broken and don’t belong just because your different. But your not defective your special and stronger than you know to be able to do all that you do. It’s people like you who have find the strength to make a difference, to do amazing things and see the world in ways no one else does. I’m proud of you no matter what anyone else might think or say.” Leona had pulled Aris into a hug as the teen started to cry. it didn’t matter that they sat there for hours as Aris tried to calm herself down or that Leona was exhausted, she knew her daughter needed her. This is what being a mother means, it may not be the prettiest or most fun as the changing has found out over the years, but she wouldn’t go back on her decision for anything in the universe. Aris is her daughter, she just wishes more than anything that she could’ve been able to shield her child from the coldness and harshness of the universe.

————————————————— After the day of the medical bay visit, whenever Kostas crossed paths with Aris he would discretely greet her. At first it was motivated by trying to win Leona’s favor or even a blessing as she was the nicest founder he had met, never before had a founder actually asked him or any vorta Kostas had known of if they were okay. So he figured if the blind little welp could weasel her way in then he could too. The first few times he tried to wave to her without drawing attention to himself, he had a reputation to uphold. But when he got no response he had to facepalm realizing he waved and tried to signal a blind person.

Eventually Kostas started visiting the medical bay just to loiter. Before he knew it and to his horror Kostas realized he actually really enjoyed Aris’s company especially the banter and the occasional sarcastic comment or dry humor from Leona chiming into the conversation. Uncomfortable, confused, and somewhat disturbed with himself, the young vorta started avoiding the medical bay and Aris whenever he could. It wasn’t until he overheard a conversation about how upset Aris was to finally have a friend her age to relate too and then be ghosted that he begrudgingly made the decision to bring some Zippleberry pie as an apology. Over the following weeks after that incident the two young vorta took turns bringing each other food and somehow making the sweet gesture a competition. One of the times Leona couldn’t stop from snorting in amusement and shaking her head as Aris stormed ahead of her to one of the Rex rooms muttering about how the homemade Ribbleberry ice cream she made for Kostas beats the carvernut cookies he made for her previously.

As the two developed a flourishing friendship that could eventually turn into more it was cut short with the end of the great Federation and Dominion war going to be coming to an end soon. Within the next few galactic standard weeks with the Dominion being stretched thin due to the Cardassian revolt the federation is able to win back the space station that is now once again known as Adhara 12. —————————————————————

Also yes I’m the author so I’m allowed to say that after the war and the fall of the dominion or at least the former dominion that Kostas and Aris are eventually a thing. Aris has been promoted to a doctor and the head of her own medical bay while Kostas was able to go the the federation academy and become an intelligence officer. Leona unlike Odo decides to return after visiting the great link and goes on to continue medical work but now travels all over to visit war torn worlds healing those broken in the war or by dominion rein. Of course in between these long missions she returns to visit Aris and occasionally Aris (and sometimes Kostas) joins Leona on off station missions. Also Suka’klan befriends a federation officer (this is the Jem’hadar and federation officer scenario I came up with a while back we’re in battle they run into each other and are like “Are you going to kill me?”) Turns out like the jem’hadar Goran'Agar in the ds9 episode ‘Hypocratic Oath’ he isn’t addicted to the White. He ends up letting her go and it’s awhile before they see each other until in the final battle timeframe there’s a building collapse and the federation officer that befriended him digs him out and brings him to safety actually getting him to medical attention which is something the Dominion doesn’t do for soldiers. So Suka’Rhex ends up on the Adhara 12 security team and they work together busting criminals.

(Also what started off as bullet points turned into me lying 🤣 have a good night DeepSpaceDukat)

OH MY GOD, AZORA, NEVER EVER APOLOGIZE FOR CASUALLY TOSSING A STORY INTO MY INBOX!!

I cannot adequately express just how much I love this! Everything I type out seems like it's not enough, so I'll just say a simple thank you! I love Aris and Leona and Kostas! I know you sent this late last night, but I wanted to give this the proper read (and reread) that it deserved and save it for today.

I hope you slept well, my dear friend! 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

#deepspacedukat asks #azorastarr

[rat-in-a-coffin]

for the ask game: 12. what kind of day is it? 21. something you've kept since childhood? 28. do you wear a mask? 30. are there dishes in your room? 46. favourite holiday film? feel free to skip any or ignore :)

12. its a big hoodie and swatpants-laying in bed-and crying to sad music kinda day

21. i always wear a silver bracelet i got from my mom, i haven’t taken it off a single time since i got it (like not even when i shower)

28. my dad wouldn’t allow me to, sometimes i still did tho. + i live in a highly conservative and mask hating town so youd often get beaten up or yelled at if you did wear a mask. at the peak of covid (aka the entirety of 2021) i was in a really bad mental state and only went outside like 1 every 2 months, so most the time id skip it since id only get crap for it anyways

30. i dont have a room rn :/

46. the nightmare before christmas. the best fuckin movie to ever exist.

#thank you for the askes!! :D

[thevoid04]

vent

I feel like my relationship is falling apart I can’t telling if that’s just because of my mental state recently or if it’s actually happening. With way I hate it, they’ve been pretty cold to me and we barely even talked the last few days. Even when they’re busy they still typically give me a little attention. i really feel like no one cares as of recent and my depression is getting to the point that I might end up at the mental hospital and he doesn’t seem to give a crap. I get he’s dealing with his own stuff but still. I’m on the verge of tears rn and idk what to do bc how do I even bring this up?

[anakinskywalkerog]

I feel weird about saying I have ocd cuz I'm more or less cured like I wouldn't say that I'm in a state of disorder my life is no longer just hours upon hours of compulsions but like I still do some weird shit I would say I have residue from the disorder that won't leave and that depending on anxiety and situation the ocd can take stronger hold but as I said I'm no longer in a state of disorder so I dunno what the heck to say to people when they question my weird little behaviours and anxiety. I feel kind of guilty just going oh yeah I do that cuz ocd because I'm no longer in disorder but then again I'm not gonna go into my whole psychological history y'know 🤣

Girl kinda same about the fandom obsession thing, that's what I'm doing with starwars rn for avoidance and now I'm over 3 months behind in my assignments whoops P.s this is SandArt anon lol The kenobi show was soooo good though

The media portrayal of ocd and a lot of other mental disorders is so crap and surface level that I just ignore it or it'll make me mad, I'd rather media just not go there. The one thing I've seen that is pretty accurate is Leonard Decaprio in The Aviator. That showed how strange and weird or even kind of asshole-ish the sufferer appears to 'normal' people. And the complete decline of the character until he wasn't even a person anymore, he was just a vessel for whatever nonsensical torture the disorder needed carried out. The sheer disfunction was shown. Like boy ended up cording off parts of his house because they weren't 'clean' enough til he ended up with one room that he deemed 'uncontaminated/safe' and lo and behold that room didn't have bathroom facilties so he was urinating in bottles. In real life I would never admit to relating to that but yeah

In your fic master yuma and readers emotional force connection thing would be SO good for ocd therapy/cbt like yuma's force presence and emotional knowledge could be used to kind of insert itself into your own force presence and alleviate the anxiety to the point where the obsession or thought no longer has any power and then you'd be free from compulsions

I haven't seen the Aviator in a long time so I can't remember how it ends, I'm gonna maybe watch it again, there is a dinner scene in it though that is so relatable it's kinda funny like just the way everyone was looking at him like he was deranged and you could see in his eyes that he was like silently communicating that yes he is in fact aware that this is crazy but he still has to 🤣

i haven’t actually seen Aviator. i do definitely relate to having some weird needs/preferences, or getting upset about something that my ex partner/family/friends would have no idea why anyone would get upset about haha

i’m not sure anyone is ever cured of any mental illness, but they definitely change and evolve over time and can get better or different. even as i talk about these obsessive symptoms i’ve had, i definitely recognize my illness has gotten a lot better over the years, or maybe i’ve gotten better at dealing with it? idk 🤷‍♀️

i would LOVE IT if Master Yuma is real i mean i know the whole fic is the Anakin fantasy but honestly it’s also a parental fantasy lol having an older mentor to watch over you and take care of you? sounds nice 😭

#star wars #anakin skywalker #ocd tag #ocdawareness #ocd #answered asks

[dangerouslyclassyhottub]

I don’t think I’ll have another chapter of unintended consequences out this week. I need some recuperation time from this stupid anxiety that won’t leave me alone.

#my writing #sorry #my mental state is crap rn

[littleghostlyrose]

This is probably the most accurate picrew I’ve made of myself yet. The eyes are way too big tho but i give anime excuse XD lol

#picrew #i need to start using tags more tbh #im aware i look like i dont give a fuck #and thats exactly what i was going for #like i look kind of blank a good portion of the time #i say i dont like opening up but then when i start rambling i start revealing a lot of crap about my mental state i never intended to #ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #i just have a lot to say i guess oof #i like talking #but at the same time #i dont like talking #what the fuck am i saying rn oof #ignore me

[cactus-on-a-skateboard]

Me: it’s all Gucci

The narrator: but all was not Gucci

#shitpost #random #my mental state rn #this is crap #crap post

[la-isnothere]

Hey 👋

I’m gonna put this blog on hiatus :”)

#long story short: #My mental health is crap now. I can’t even vent anymore bc there are too much that are going on in my head #and I feel like this blog is really messy??? #and I’m slowly losing interests in Hamilton (i guess y’all can see that.) #and I’m way way more active on my side blog about youtubers tho. I like that blog more tbh #and im not in the best mental state rn? #I get angry easily. I'm trying to control the anger :T #so yeah #you can still ask me stuffs I'm still gonna answer #i probably gonna drop some art here #but sometimes #again im still active on sideblog #plus I wanna start the next school year with a fresh mind set #imevennotallowedtousemyipadlaptoporanyphonesanymoretofocusonstudyinglol #but yeah #that's it. #sorry if this is super messy :T

[redhairedwolfwitch]

Doctor Y/n - Attending Orthopedic Surgeon - 5 - Grey's Anatomy x Fem!Reader

Owen smiled softly as he peeked his head into Allison's room, spotting you and Teddy sat on the couch, Allison on Teddy's lap as she held your fingers with an iron fist.

A yawn left your lips, gaining the attention of Teddy and Allison, but you just smiled, shaking your head.

"I have to go into work. I love you both." You explained as you stood up, prying your hand from Allison's grip so you could get ready to go.

///

"If you had told me two years ago that you and I would be excited to hang out together, and babysit six small children..." Amelia chuckled, having sent Leo to go hand out with Ellis.

"I know that Owen asked you to babysit me, since Y/n had to go in for work. You don't have to put on a show." Teddy replied, slipping Allison into the high chair.

"Both things can be true, I could use the company and we don't have to be covered in puke alone... also apparently Jo had a lot of say about you and Y/n and kitchen counters... too soon?" Amelia chuckled as Teddy's eyes widened, a nervous look crossing her face.

///

Braces: we're down to one available ventillator

Braces: so we're closing to trauma

Joey: going into OR, talk after

///

Teddy: any updates?

Y/n: closed to trauma, one ventillator left

Y/n: not supposed to be giving you updates but i'll say you persuaded me

Teddy: what do you think about therapy?

Y/n: i could never afford it, why? do you wanna?

Teddy: maybe

///

Joey: kidney stone removal had complications

Braces: crap

///

Y/n: Pierce figured out two people can safely share a vent

Y/n: trauma's reopening

Y/n: how is it babysitting 6 kids with Amelia?

Teddy: feels like a matrifocal compound

Y/n: goals

///

A laugh escaped Jo's lips as she spotted you, dancing in the hallway in front of Meredith's room. Dancing with everyone else as you celebrated that Meredith was breathing without the vent.

"Hey, come with me to see Luna?" Jo asked, gesturing for you to follow her.

You nodded as you walked over, the two of you heading up to the PICU with smiles on your faces.

///

"Look who I caught in the laundry room whilst we were scrubbing down! I caught myself a Leo fish!" Owen chuckled, picking up the giggling Leo as you headed over to hug Teddy.

"Hey, Zola. We took your mom off the vent today, and she's breathing on her own." Owen smiled, watching as Zola ran to tell Bailey, Ellis and Scout.

Teddy smiled as she felt you wrap your arms around her from behind, holding your hands in hers as you nuzzled into her hair.

///

"Altman, you still have two days off, enjoy them, because you are going to miss them when you're back. Goodbye, Altman!" Webber exclaimed as he hung up on Teddy, leaving her to grab her phone and text you instead.

Teddy: How's Meredith doing

Y/n: she's stable? With Bailey and Jo and Luna rn

Y/n: Hayes kicked us out so he could do rounds

///

"What am I supposed to say to my mentor? Grey's my mentor, I don't want to disappoint her or Bailey or Webber! Crap, trauma, we gotta go!" Jo announced, gesturing for you to come with as Levi headed back to the COVID testing site.

"You tell them that you're following your heart and choosing joy, they can't argue with mental health." You stated as you and Jo headed towards the ER.

///

"S/n, we've got an unstable pelvis and crush injuries, could use ortho!" Owen called you over as the newlywed trauma patients were brought into the ER.

"Scans show an open-book pelvic fracture, but you should get a CT to check for other abdominal injuries." You suggested as you looked over the scans, turning to help Bailey and Owen put a binder on the patient's pelvis.

///

"You're going to give Doctor Grey that speech when she's awake, right?" You enquired, leaning against the wall as Jo stepped out of Meredith's patient room.

"Oh my- yeah, Braces, I am. Now, stop lurking and let's go see Luna!" Jo jumped backwards, realising it was you before a grin crossed her face at the idea of seeing Luna again.

///

"Why does S/n come up here, I thought she was ortho?" Hayes enquired, glancing at you as you pulled on a pink gown over your navy blue scrubs.

"Braces comes up here with me to see Luna, sometimes it's because she misses Allison, but Arizona, she used to work in peds here, Arizona would bring Braces up to the NICU to calm down. Plus, babies love her." Jo explained, smiling as she watched you walk around the PICU, glancing over all of the patients.

///

"If i'm driving, you're cooking tonight." Jo affirmed as the two of you walked down the stairs.

"Wilson, do you have a minute?" Webber enquired, walking over to the two of you.

"Yeah, what's up?" Jo tilted her head to the side, spotting Levi as you subtly passed him a tupperware of vegetable soup.

"Well I was hoping you could tell me?" Webber crossed his arms, raising his eyebrows as Jo blinked in confusion.

"About?"

"Quitting surgery?" Webber finished, leaving you to swallow nervously as Levi all but ran away, only turning back to spot that Jo was holding you in place, in case you tried to run too.

"If you're serious about changing specialities, I want to support you, but I can't do that if I'm in the dark." Webber smiled under his mask, Jo matching his smile as you let out a breath, laughing to yourself as Jo began to explain to Webber.

///

"Owen? I just put Allison in her high chair, Y/n's cooking dinner. Jo's... doing her version of assisting." Teddy explained as she opened the door to reveal Owen on the other side.

"It was Jo who told me to come over, apparently for some dinner?" Owen revealed the text that Jo had sent him.

"Hey! It's time for a barely functional family dinner!" Jo exclaimed, gesturing for Teddy and Owen to come over to the dining room table as you were serving up pasta.

"What is this?" Teddy enquired, passing the garlic bread as you sat down next to her at the table.

"We figured some normality was required, and we don't really sit down to eat. Allison and maybe Leo might enjoy it in the future, if everyone's gathered, y'know." You explained, breaking off a piece of garlic bread with a delightful crunch.

"Remember when you two hated each other? Now you're both eating at the same table?" Jo giggled, leaving you to grimace as Owen gave you a grumpy look.

"Okay, let's not go down memory lane when this pasta is about to get cold! It smells amazing, babe!" Teddy replied, kissing you on the forehead before reaching for the utensils.

A laugh left your lips as you spotted that Allison had pasta sauce around her mouth already, watching her begin to smile in response to your laughter.

///

Tags: @nnightskiess @emskisworld @multifandomlesbianic @thegirlwhowishedeveryonelived @inquisitive-nix @fire-and-blood-targaryen @unexpected-character

#grey's anatomy x reader #grey's anatomy imagine #grey's anatomy #jo wilson x reader #teddy altman x reader #teddy altman imagine #jo wilson imagine #teddy altman #jo wilson #owen hunt #amelia shepherd #richard webber #levi schmitt #miranda bailey

[noodlepai]

(OKAY okay so I've come to provide more information on the AU, I'm still working on it a lot so things might change or be added but I got a basic idea of what things are like rn !!)

Info dump moment rn, also TW for slight trauma mentions/hints

• Sam had managed to save the Wii from melting itself all those years ago, and is a pretty big person on tech, so she likes to experiment and try new things, and actively tries to help Eteled out or transfer him through devices so he isn't just stuck in one place all the time, with lots of trial and tons of error, especially since she knows the Wii's getting old and that it can be unstable occasionally with glitches

• Kyle has also taken a liking to learning more about technology through Sam's influence so he sometimes comes over and they both will just study and brainstorm ideas

• Sam moved out of her home and now lives in her own apartment, is in college to pursue her dream of working around and creating technology, hasn't really considered making a job out of it since she mostly does it for fun and likes to achieve her dream goals, Nathan and Kyle also occasionally visit to just hang out and do whatever, usually resulting in the three staying up very late into a movie or game night, and Eteled having to talk Sam into getting sleep for the next morning

• Even though Sam is big on all tech, consoles and video games, she still has a soft spot for old generation consoles in particular

• Sam, Nathan and Kyle had all gotten pretty close growing up so they're like a dumbass trio /lh

• Will moved out of state or some shit

• Kyle wakes up from his villain arc and makes a truce with Eteled /J.. FR though Kyle softens up and becomes more understanding of Eteled's side after they start talking it out, while what happened did bother him at the time all those years ago, he just kinda grew up to the point where it didn't have such of an effect on him anymore, I mean all he saw was a Mii get slice and diced, no need to go beast mode over it, so they forgive each other of the past

• Kyle and Nathan are besties to homosexuals, homie love

• Sam made a Mii of herself from when she was younger to keep Eteled company when going out or having to attend school, Eteled appreciated it but wouldn't wanna admit how it wasn't the same and about how much he would miss Sam when she had to get off the Wii

• Gives Eteled abandonment issues because I love being evil

• He's actually clingy on the inside but would never admit it to anyone

• Also views Sam as a sort of daughter figure besides just a friend but is too nervous to mention it, he wants Sam to be safe, loves whenever she talks or rants to him about anything or shows him something she made or is proud of, or even just anything at all, father Eteled is proud of his child/bestie

• He like, genuinely feels loved around her and would definitely cry about it but would never show it, or at least try not to

• Eteled has the favorite Mii pants because Sam put them on him, with quote "I think it's about time my best friend gets to rock a new style", and yes it did make him almost cry on the spot

• Austin is like, mentally conflicted as hell

• Austin and Eteled both feel guilty for what they've done to each other over the years, aren't sure they can or are ready to forgive the other but they're very slowly learning to tolerate each other

• They're like enemies to kinda friends in a way

• They're traumatized mfs

• They still sometimes fight but it's usually just yelling or saying shit now, they don't do the chair, deletion or axe really anymore since they at least got to the point where they respect each other's boundaries and triggers, and there's no point to keep doing the same old for over 10+ years, for the most part, they still slip up sometimes

• They do fuck up though occasionally so that's why Eteled has scars and Austin is a bit more bashed up

• They still have a rooted dislike for each other they're trying to get over but they sometimes chill out or talk, usually when Sam is asleep or off the Wii for a while, the two just will maybe visit or sit around to at least try to understand the other better

• Sam knows Austin is still around, and it took a while but with time she grew to accept him when he didn't seem like a big threat anymore, and that he was just as important of a soul as Eteled was, she still didn't like the fights and didn't know the full story

• She'd probably section them away from the other with a child gate if she could

• Austin of course has an ego and would never tell another soul that he has many nightmares of the server room and about what happens if he gets caught off guard or is sleeping when Eteled decides to attack him again, Eteled wouldn't do that, and Austin knows it but it's just the deep rooted fear he can't get rid of, even though he's much taller and technically more powerful than the smaller Mii

• Eteled is just tired, usually just sleeps in the Mii channel, especially when under stress or tires himself out if he's going through a moment, like triggered memories or emotions

• From all the deleting and the chair, and more crap from his early life, Eteled is just terrified of it all so even the idea of them scares the fuck out of him, so as a natural response he just tries to defend himself with his axe even if he would be shaking like a chicken, he really tries not to pull it out but he can't always stop himself

• The axe itself would probably also bother Austin a bit, but he would still try to cautiously calm Eteled down since he knows he's just afraid, so afterwards they'd probably have to awkwardly apologize for what the fuck happened at that very moment

• Sam sometimes offers them both to play a game together with her, or plans on playing with Eteled and invites Austin along, as a way to make them bond, they do end up having some fun though

• Eteled has seen and/or been around or within newer Nintendo consoles, but personally prefers being in the Wii since he's used to it the most, and it's the most comfortable and homey to him

• Oh yeah, if Austin or Eteled is having an episode or is deeply upset then the other will try to help sometimes if it's really bad, Austin tries to hide it more but it doesn't always work, yeah they have reasonable reasons to not like the other, but they aren't complete assholes

• They both got trauma memories and aren't gonna just watch the other suffer through it

• Austin may or may not have taken in what Eteled had said all that time ago about "Learning to move past the past", even though that technically makes Eteled a hypocrite when he's constantly beating himself up about shit mentally, even after years, they are both doing it tbh

• Also Kyle doesn't know about Austin 100% but is curious to know his story and who he is and used to be, and how he got in the Wii, especially after the passing of his family member of the same name, little does he know..

• Sam also doesn't know about any of it, neither Sam or Kyle know of what happened or Austin's story, Austin being in a tight spot since he doesn't wanna reveal his identity yet, knowing the possible reaction, for Eteled's sake, Sam's and especially Kyle's, and Eteled being absolutely fucking terrified since the fear of losing someone like Sam could become real, and the small but growing friendship he was slowly making with Kyle could go right back to hatred and wanting the small Mii deleted, not including the fact that he still eats at himself for his past actions so it being brought back up again would be a ✨mess✨

• Austin doesn't know if he forgives Eteled or not, but wants to try to move past it and not be reminded in any way

• Nathan is still a little lowkey scared of Eteled ngl, doesn't wanna upset him or anything and Eteled can tell, he probably sighs to himself but he can't blame the guy

• Kyle has thought about making another Mii of himself on what is now long been Sam's Wii, now that he's older and him and Eteled are rather chill, but decided against it since he wasn't sure, not because he didn't trust Eteled, but because he figured it could potentially remind the Mii of the past, so whenever he plays on it he just uses Eteled

(That's all I can really recall on the top of my head for now, whenever I remember more or add on things I'll probably make a new post about it)

#eteled #henry #corrupted mii #austin #sam #kyle #nathan #will #wdy #wii deleted you #au #still not sure what i want to do with the considered bully characters #if i decide to add them #or what i would do with the parental figures #still a lot to think about and work on but yeah #i dont mind ideas or possible suggestions for some characters #im just vibing with my au and having fun #*does a little dance*