#my relationship with myself and my identity and the world around me is constantly changing and evolving. if you asked me to explain my

[muppetcube]

Nobody is required to explain their personal relationship with their identity with you. I, however, will talk nonstop if given the chance and will give you a wildly different answer every time

#my relationship with myself and my identity and the world around me is constantly changing and evolving. if you asked me to explain my #identity this morning i would've given you a different answer than i'd give you if you asked me right now #because throughout the day i considered myself differently and had the chance to think more on it #identity doesn't have to be a rigid blade you carry to keep yourself safe. identity can be something as simple as a flowy shirt you like or #a cup you're drinking your favorite beverage out of. on the other hand #identity IS rigid for some people. and that's also okay. but we're talking about genderfuck folks and all the cool shit they're doin #i lost the plot writing these notes ik air drying in my bathroom after my shower (this too is gender) #queer #lgbt #lgbtq community #lgbtqia #queer community #lesbian #he/him lesbian #neopronouns #butch lesbian #genderqueer #gender nonconforming #genderfuck #trans #transgender #uhh. #inane identity ramblings #new gender tag

[mr2swap]

The great shift: Swap Sindrome 1

In a dimly lit room, I was masturbating with my fingertips in front of a pale white monitor. As I watched the images of boys around the age of high school students lined up on the screen, I fantasized about taking off their clothes and touching their naked bodies.

-ahh, ahh… ahh-

I closed my eyes as I fantasized about the scenes that were still etched in my memory, the memories of my body and my Gymbros in the locker room flooded my mind, At this moment there was nothing erotic about looking at my best friends or touching their oily and muscles to feel The Progress we had made in the gym, but now it was different, I was different.

I continued looking at the photographs that were shown on the Instagram profiles of my former friends, while the desperation and excitement with which I moved My small cock increased more and more.

I kept changing the photos until a photograph of my old body was displayed on the entire screen. I enlarged the photograph just so I could rotate the most erotic parts of my old body. I focused my gaze on the armpits that still had a couple of drops of stinky and sticky sweat running down towards my abdomen.

-FUUUCK! What I wouldn't give to smell those musky holes again-

The shameful and perverted words that came out of my mouth really embarrassed me, but right now I had no control over myself the only thing I wanted was to fantasize about my old hairy armpits, lick his hard biceps and play with his grazed nipples, The memory of the last time I could smell a sweaty t-shirt from my original body made me ejaculate violently, the semen spread across the keyboard of the old computer that was in front of me.

At that moment my head cleared, from one moment to the next the animal instincts that dominated me a few seconds ago immediately disappeared... and then only remorse.

I took a piece of paper that was within my reach and began to clean up the mess that I had caused myself. When I finished cleaning my little cock, I threw the ball of paper into the trash can that was saturated with balls identical to that one in a yellowish color. And they left a disgusting smell in my room.

I stood up, pulled up my pants and slowly walked towards the kitchen, avoiding looking at my fat old face on the relevant surfaces that were in my messy apartment. After doing this, I feel disgusting, but no matter how hard I try to stop thinking about my old life and in my old body.

-The swap syndrome…-

I said quietly trying to justify my depraved obsession with my old life, I had all the symptoms I had read on the internet:

“ Swap syndrome is a disorder characterized by a persistent and overwhelming obsession with a person's past life after experiencing a body swap with another. This syndrome manifests itself when two individuals involuntarily exchange their bodies thanks to the event known as “The great shift.”

People affected by SS experience intense longing and nostalgia for their previous life. They feel a deep disconnection from their new body and struggle to adapt to their new physical identity. Meanwhile, they constantly long to return to their old lives, including their relationships, daily routines, and everyday activities.

Symptoms of SS may include episodes of obsessional love, masturbation, anxiety, depression, and dissociation, as well as a decrease in social and occupational functioning. Affected people may manifest compulsive behaviors related to the search for ways to reverse the body exchange and recover their previous life.“

I've been trapped in the body of this overweight middle-aged man named Hiroshi for two years, and one day I just woke up in a room full of trash and on the other side of the world. It had been a few hours since all this had started So it was easy I searched what was happening on the internet I tried to contact my parents, but none of them responded to me even now I haven't seen my parents after so long, maybe they have They've gotten better bodies and now they're having fun. Or maybe they're in one of the many prisons trapped in the body of some convict, I don't know...

At least they can put me in contact with the Old Hiroshi who was now on the beach in Miami enjoying that new teenage body. At first, we wrote to each other every day, trying to go unnoticed among all the chaos of the world. I had to eat. So I decided. Not to tell anyone that he was actually a 16-year-old American teenager instead of a Japanese man my father's age.

The real Hiroshi helped me adjust to my new life, while I naively believed that this was something that would be resolved in a couple of days. But over time I got used to my new job in a restaurant as a dishwasher, I didn't understand the language very well. , but he didn't need it, the real Hiroshi was a quiet and submissive guy, Very different from what the real Hiroshi is like in his new life, as a popular teenager. That he spends his afternoons tanning on the beach and flirting with beautiful girls.

I used to talk to the real Hiroshi every day, but over time he took longer to respond to the messages, then to look at them and just not respond and over time he started ignoring my calls, now the only thing I know is because of the photographs I uploads to Instagram and social networks of my former friends, I didn't dare tell them the truth, that their former friend was now trapped in the body of a 45 year old obese loser…

I've been saving everything I can to be able to travel back to America and reunite with my old life. Although the salary as a dishwasher is shit, it's better than nothing, but once I'm in front of my old body I don't know if I can control myself... look down and a tiny bulge formed again in my pants from just being in front of my old body.

-Shit….-

Hello, if you liked this story, and you want more, you can take a look at my new Ko-Fi page to see my most recent stories, see my new stories and support me to continue creating this hot content.

#body swap #male body swap #bodyswap #male transformation #body switch #the great shift

[mochiwrites]

ALWAYS FEELIN' A BIT INSANE ABOUT SONGBIRD!! 💥💥💥💥

Currently very invested in the Scar character development, he's very silly and I am obsessed with how you write him. Eating ur writing, I literally never shut up about it heryehur

He has so much depth to his personality. His struggle with identity, hiding the truth, opening up to others, traumatic experiences, etc. His complicated relationship with Mumbo as they walk on their tip-toes wondering what happened to get them to this point... His love for Tubbo and his hate for humanity. His conflicting emotions about death. His ever-changing view of Grian and what made him so worth it when nobody else caught his eye. The fragile concept of simply being himself and not the monster people think he is. He's so WONDERFUL AAAA!! *shakes you*

EEEEEEEEE YAY :D

scar has easily become one of my favorite songbird characters. he's definitely rounded out a lot since the start of songbird and I'm so !!!!!! about him -- and now that arc 2 is finished, I can actually talk about scar's character arc because GOD DOES IT MAKE ME INSANE. OKAY.

I remember being kinda nervous about introducing scar way back when in welcome to the circus, because I wasn't sure how he'd be received -- I mean, he's basically introduced as an antagonist right away, and he feels so different from his typical characterization. well. he's not that different, but I certainly lean wayyy more into the intimidating, scary image. and when you don't know a character's motivations for that... depending on the writer executes the writing, you could either be Incredibly interested, or you could write it off as out of character/bad writing. so welcome to the circus was absolutely a HUGE gamble. hell, everything that followed was a big gamble!

but I am so happy with how scar's development went. I think I could've added maybe one or two more one shots right before enchante to add a bit more pacing of scar's development, but overall I really am pleased with it.

arc 2 was heavily focused on scar and his betrayal (which like,,, yeah, obviously @ myself GJFHJFG) my biggest goal when writing arc 2 was showing the readers that there was more to scar than just his cold personality. that there was a reason for his behavior. it's kinda similar to how mumbo was first introduced. mumbo was off as well, though granted his true personality came about a lot quicker than scar's did.

so this arc was about exploring scar's character (and his understanding of/warming up to grian) and his growing internal conflict between betraying grian and mumbo and keeping tubbo safe. I really wanted to get across that at first scar had no remorse for what he was doing. but when he started getting to know grian, being given his kindness, when scar started to let down the walls around his heart, that's when the guilt kicked in.

I love scar's whole battle with his identity -- it's one of my favorite pieces of his character, and something that'll be explored a TON more in arc 3 (and perhaps the reason why that battle is there to begin with 👀) the way I've always looked at is: scar isn't human, but he's not quite fae either. so he's had to carve out an identity for himself; the grim reaper, a monster, it's all the same to him. he's not just standing at the cross between two worlds. he's carving a path between these two worlds -- he's creating a third world, specifically for himself

and I think scar's struggle with his identity is something the fandom as a whole doesn't touch on nearly enough as we should. scar is a man who's constantly wearing a mask, and that mask is everchanging. there's some seriously fun concepts to be played with there! which is exactly what I want to explore in songbird and this upcoming arc.

I also feel really insane about all of the backstory crumbs I've left in arc 2 for him. this one in particular drives me crazy:

( it's from the weight of living chapter three in case anyone is wondering :3 )

if you've ever seen in anime where a character has like. some ominous shadow figure looming over them and they look really afraid or panicked, that's exactly the kind of image I was picturing when writing this scene. and that's kinda what happens here! (one day when mumbo and scar's backstories are revealed, I would love to like. comb through songbird for all of the crumbs I've dropped and explain them)

but scar's character is so complex, and I think that's what makes him so fun. he doesn't operate on human morals, but he very much does have human emotions and a human heart that he buries and AUGH!!!

and I can't talk about scar's character without mentioning enchante, because C'MON. IT'S LIKE. THE SONGBIRD SCARIAN FIC HFGJDFGHJ

enchante is SUCH an interesting turning point for scar and grian's dynamic. mumbo and the boys have been kidnapped, scarian are forced to work together and they don't entirely trust one another, and they're running on limited time. and it's through this situation that they're forced to learn about each other. scar learns just how far grian's kindness goes, how he views the world. and grian starts to get some insight into why scar behaves the way that he does.

we see scar step in to defend grian against taurtis the first time under the guise of being offended at taurtis' bad negotiation skills, and not even knowing himself why he steps in! it's the first time scar sees the depth of grian's humanity and his guilt and his care for the ones that he loves. and then in turn, grian learns why scar is so apathetic and uncaring and there's some sort of understanding the two of them reach. it drives me SO insane fae. I cannot express.

AND THE GRIM REAPER STUFF MMMMMMMMM WE'RE GONNA COME BACK TO THAT. IT'S GONNA BE GLORIOUS. I've got some scar story that are gonna make people go INSANE when I drop it. it makes me want to gnaw on my arm man

songbird!scar is just so delightful to me, and I really love writing him a lot. his relationship to mumbo and then to grian is SO fun to examine, and we'll definitely be doing more of that in arc 3. I'm really glad that people love him as much as I do because <3333

#mochi speaks #songbird’s blood au #friend moment

[leresq]

Rocket Raccoon Character Analysis

As I explore the character of Rocket Raccoon and reflect upon my own experiences, I find intriguing connections that resonate with my identity. Rocket Raccoon is a complex character who, despite being a talking raccoon, struggles with various challenges that resonate so perfectly to me, it feels as if he was made specifically for me.

Rocket's portrayal as a social outcast strikes a chord with me, but there’s something more than that. I often find myself feeling disconnected from the people around me, struggling to fit into societal norms and expectations. Rocket's alienation from society serves as a reflection of my own experiences as a social outcast. However, it isn’t just that I don’t fit in because I don’t want to, it’s because I have been told to mould myself into something I am not from birth. Rocket wasn't born, he was made. He didn't get to choose how people would perceive him, that choice was made for him. Rocket is constantly shown in media to be broken or scarred, and that this is something that should evoke pity out of the audience. In the MCU movie Guardians of the Galaxy we see a scene where Rocket's back is exposed, showing metal bits embedded into his skin, probably to hold him together. This isn't a modification Rocket chose for himself, his cruel creator chose it for him. I, as a transgender person, experience this every single day. I am stuck in a body I didn’t choose for myself.

Rocket is verbally abused constantly since the very moment we meet him. He is called creepy, beast, weird, and many many other names meant to degrade him. Even his friends constantly call him these things. Even if people don’t tell me these things, I can see it. In the language I am referred to in, in the ways people look at me, just like the way Chris Pratt’s character looks at Rocket’s ‘disfigured’ back. I am not natural. I am not normal. This is not something I can change, to even try to ignore it is a death sentence, it’s to kill a part of me and walk around with the shrapnel stabbing at me. I am forced to be who I am in a world that considers the very idea disgusting, or to turn myself inside out trying not to be that way.

Rocket struggles to accept compliments and praise, and he returns any attempt at them from others with insults or brushing it off. I, too, find it difficult to receive praise and often downplay or dismiss compliments directed at me. Rocket's tendency to deflect compliments mirrors my own challenges in acknowledging that others do care for me. It’s much easier, more romantic at least, to live in a world where absolutely nobody accepts me. It is not very easy to come to terms with the fact that there are not only people unlike the system I am stuck in, but that those people are finite. I don’t want to accept that these people are real, because if I do it simply shows that I have vulnerability, I have something that can be taken away from me. Rocket pushes people away for what he considers the safety of himself and the safety of others. He tends to disregard his own emotions and consider them irrelevant if it means that others might be inconvenienced, as I often do. Rocket’s desire for connection despite not knowing how to attain it aligns with my own yearning for meaningful relationships. We both long for connections that go beyond surface-level interactions, but often struggle to navigate the complexities of building and maintaining those connections.

If Rocket's journey is to have a happy ending, everything that is crucial to society, both fictional and in the real world, would have to be torn down. That’s what I admire about Rocket. He will never be accepted, he will never be normal, and yet he keeps going, he keeps fighting and walking and flying. And it’s the fact that he does that, not just why, that makes him such a personal character to me.

#transgender #nonbinary #furry #trans #rocket gotg #rocket raccoon #GotG #gotg vol 2 #gotg vol 3 #posting this before I watch gotg vol 3 #character analysis

[jasminkyutie]

"From childhood wonder to adilt pursuits A journey of self-discovery."

The journey from childhood to adulthood is a transformative passage marked by growth, learning, and self-discovery. Reflecting on my own journey, I am reminded of the vibrant and curious child I once was, and how those early experiences have shaped the person I am today. This essay explores the evolution of my identity from childhood to adulthood, tracing the threads of curiosity, passion, and resilience that have woven through the fabric of my life.

As a child, I was a bundle of boundless energy and insatiable curiosity. From the moment I could walk, I was on a mission to explore the world around me. Every day was an adventure filled with new discoveries and endless possibilities. Whether it was chasing butterflies in the backyard, building towering forts out of blankets and pillows, or losing myself in the pages of a favorite storybook, I embraced each moment with wide-eyed wonder.

My childhood was characterized by a thirst for knowledge and a voracious appetite for learning. I was the kid who constantly peppered my parents and teachers with questions, eager to unravel the mysteries of the universe. From dinosaurs to outer space, I immersed myself in whatever subject captured my imagination, devouring books, documentaries, and anything else I could get my hands on.

But it wasn't just academic pursuits that fueled my passion. I was also drawn to creative expression, whether it was through drawing, writing stories, or putting on impromptu performances for my family. My imagination knew no bounds, and I reveled in the freedom of self-expression that childhood afforded me.

Despite the inevitable challenges and setbacks that came my way, I approached life with a sense of resilience and optimism. Failure was simply a stepping stone on the path to success, and I refused to let setbacks dampen my spirits. Whether it was falling off my bike while learning to ride or struggling with a difficult math problem, I greeted each obstacle as an opportunity to learn and grow.

As I reflect on the journey from childhood to adulthood, I see how those early experiences have shaped the person I am today. While the exuberance of youth may have mellowed with age, the core elements of my identity remain unchanged. I am still driven by curiosity, passion, and a thirst for knowledge, but my pursuits have taken on a more nuanced form.

In adulthood, I have channeled my childhood curiosity into a deeper exploration of the world around me. Whether it's through travel, education, or engaging with diverse communities, I am constantly seeking to broaden my horizons and deepen my understanding of the world. My insatiable curiosity has led me down unexpected paths and opened doors to new opportunities I never imagined possible.

But adulthood has also brought its own set of challenges and responsibilities. The carefree days of childhood have given way to the realities of work, relationships, and the pursuit of long-term goals. Yet, amidst the hustle and bustle of adult life, I strive to maintain the sense of wonder and optimism that defined my youth.

One of the most profound changes I have experienced in adulthood is a deeper appreciation for the value of creativity and self-expression. Whether it's through writing, photography, or simply finding joy in the small moments of everyday life, I have come to understand the importance of nurturing my creative spirit as a source of inspiration and fulfillment.

Perhaps the greatest lesson I have learned on my journey from childhood to adulthood is the importance of resilience in the face of adversity. Life is full of ups and downs, twists and turns, but it is how we respond to those challenges that defines us. Just as I did as a child, I approach each obstacle as an opportunity for growth, drawing on the lessons of the past to navigate the complexities of the present.

In tracing the arc of my journey from childhood to adulthood, I am struck by the continuity of the threads that bind the two together. Though the landscape may have changed and the challenges grown more complex, the essence of who I am remains rooted in the wonder, curiosity, and resilience of my childhood self. As I continue to navigate the path ahead, I carry with me the lessons of the past and the hope of the future, embracing each new day as an opportunity for growth, discovery, and self-expression.

[aroaceconfessions]

I've always had a complicated relationship with being aromantic, I discovered I was aro at the end of a 3 year long relationship. I felt guilty because I thought in some way I tricked that person into loving someone who couldn't love them back for 3 years.

I felt guilty because I KNEW they deserved to be loved, they deserved to be in a relationship where they felt every single emotion reciprocated, they deserved to be loved and to know they are loved. I was just the only thing in the way of that.

This guilt has surrounded my relationship with aromanticism ever since, at times I hate it, I hate I live in a world where I can't relate to anyone, I dont see myself in my parents, in my friends, strangers on the street, even in my own community. I wanted to deny this part of me, or at least find a work around, I would get into relationships. I would fully set my boundaries, communicate, and explain me being aro and every single time my partners have been incredibly excepting. But no matter what this creeping guilt would appear, telling me that I am tricking another person into loving me when I can't reciprocate. Because god fucking dammit, I know with every inch of my body that every person I've dated deserves to be loved in the exact way I couldn't give them. For this I hate being aromantic, but other times, I love it, I accept this part of me that will never change and Im okay with that. My aromantic identity is not a flaw. And I wish I didn't see it like one. I don't see it as a flaw when other people tell me they are aromantic, I wish I could show myself that same kindness. And I think one day I can.

I honestly don't know exactly why I am submitting this here, I think maybe to just shout all these emotions into a void, or to try and find some sort of companionship, or this could be an attempt at trying to let someone know they aren't alone. Internalized arophobia is a bitch, and I want to unlearn these ideas but it's hard. It sometimes feels like the world is constantly reinforcing how these thoughts are true even when I know they obviously are not. I hope in some weird weird way me venting all these emotions helps someone in some way, even if that person is just myself.

Submitted February 17, 2023

#aromantic #aro #arospec #aspec #internalized arophobia #internalized aphobia #amatonormativity #dating #relationships

[glitchdollmemoria]

once again beginning this with a disclaimer that i experience disorganized thinking and i dont think my wording really does justice to the thoughts i have on this topic, but im doing my best here, so my hot take of the day is i dont think its the most important thing in the world to tease out aromanticism and asexuality from trauma responses, and i think that trying to fit everything into boxes can cause more distress than it soothes.

i am NOT saying one shouldnt address trauma and work to heal from it. that is incredibly important and i will always be a loud supporter of healing from trauma and supporting trauma survivors. i am ALSO not saying that being aspec is inherently tied to trauma - aromanticism and asexuality are completely normal aspects of existence and they dont need to be tied to a "reason", just the same as any other queer identity.

personally speaking: i have a lot of trauma around intimate relationships. i am also on both the aromantic and asexual spectrums. looking back at my childhood, i think those aspec identities have always been a part of me, but i also have no way to know for sure if my trauma has amplified them. am i (usually, not always) deeply uncomfortable with and even afraid of people being attracted to me because of my intrinsic lack of reciprocation, or is it because of the way ive been hurt by people who were attracted to me? is my degree of romance- and sex-repulsion inherent to my being or a result of trauma? trick questions! the answers are unknowable and i dont have the time or energy to keep trying to know.

the unfortunate truth of trauma is that no matter how much you heal, no matter how far past it you move, traumatic events will always be a part of your personal history. i dont know if ive ever heard of a single person who can go back to who they were before a traumatic event. and especially when that trauma occurs during youth, its going to have an impact on the way your brain functions, the way you maneuver through life, and that includes intimate relationships. and thats okay! the goal with trauma treatment shouldnt be some lofty aspiration of forgetting what you went through, it should be learning how to manage the effects of your trauma, learning how to continue to find joy in life and minimize the hurt from what happened to you, and learning how to handle the situations when you DO feel that hurt.

and personally, it helps me more to embrace my aromanticism and asexuality and celebrate those parts of my identity, rather than treating them as symptoms of trauma and trying to force myself to engage in relationships that only end up hurting me worse. it does not serve me to constantly question whether my feelings on romance and sex are intrinsic or caused by external factors, because that isn't going to change those feelings and i dont really WANT to change those feelings. if treating my trauma leads to me no longer identifying as aspec, then thats cool, but its not what im seeking out. if i try to force myself to be allo, i will only further traumatize myself.

its okay to be traumatized. its okay to be aspec. its okay to be both. its okay to not where one ends and the other begins. its okay if you dont CARE where the boundary lies, as long as youre doing what you need to to take care of yourself. its okay to use aro and ace labels if you feel like they describe you, and its okay to stop using those labels if they stop benefitting you. its cool. its chill. focus on your own comfort and boundaries and happiness, and do what you need to do for your own wellbeing.

#a bit terrified to put this on the internet where people can take my words completely out of context #but i think i did a good enough job of communicating what i wanted to communicate even if it wasnt perfectly done #trauma cw #abuse cw #assault cw #aspec #aromantic #asexual #arospec #acespec #ptsd #trauma recovery #ptsd recovery

[immeya]

I’m aroace and proud.

💚🖤🤍💜

So, accepting yourself is always hard and the self discovery journey is always long and restless.

There’s been sleepless nights where I had to rethink everything about myself, where I’ve asked myself… is this really me? Or am I just faking it all to feel special?

Nobody wants to feel alienated, nobody wants to feel like they don’t belong

I think it’s beautiful how allowing yourself to be accepting of your own identity just changes you for the better. And it sucks, cause then people around you start questioning you and making comments about your ‘choice of life’ when tbh it isn’t even a choice.

Feeling locked up and not understanding yourself, now that feels like a cage and when you finally break free it seems like the world is full of unknown places and things and experiences but there’s also things that will try to tear you down.

It was really hard for me to accept the fact that I was asexual. It was Tumblr, actually what made me realize that part of myself. It’s funny… I’d never actually hear the word before and it made me feel kinda hopeless. Cause nobody was ever gonna like me if I wasn’t willing to have sex, or maybe I’d have to compromise and do it. I could never have a rom-com kinda life. I’d wasted my teenage experiences because I was scared and then I was gonna die alone.

Yeah, I tried to accept it tho, talked to some friends about it and had to explain asexuality to all of them, cause none of them were aware of what that means. Some of the comments I heard were:

“yeah, but that’s just self control”.

“that’s like celibacy… so I’d be asexual”

“you just have to wait for the right person”

“have you tried girls? Maybe you’re just a lesbian”

It made me feel invalidated. So I just kept quiet.

I really wanted a relationship, cause that’d mean I can still have a normal-ish experience in the love department. I’ve had “crushes” in the past so that means there’s still hope. Yeah, discovering that fictional crushes (in which most cases ended up being gender envy) didn’t really count made me feel hopeless again.

Our society really has a thing for making us believe that romantic and sexual relationships are the core of a happy life.

Discovering I was also aromantic was a bigger shock though, cause then that really meant I was destined to be alone forever. But as I began to accept myself I realized that didn’t really made me feel bad. Cause yeah, I wasn’t gonna have a teenage drama/rom-com experience but I didn’t want that in the first place. I never really have. I just thought I should want it.

The way people don’t acknowledge us aroace people and treat us as essentially freaks it’s really damaging.

I’m almost 22 and I’m still accepting myself. In a very lonely way, considering we are basically invisible to the world.

I’m tired of people not seeing us, invalidating us, making us feel like we should be sorry for ourselves. Being asexual and aromantic is just as queer as any other LGBTQ+ identity, they dismiss our experiences just because they don’t understand it and makes us feel ashamed of being who we are.

Today I’m celebrating being part of a community where I’m constantly ignored and silenced. Where I’m seen as less queer, less important. Not by all of them, but quite a few…

I’m almost 22, I’m aroace and proud, and still learning how to accept myself in a world where I’m told I don’t exist, but then I’m here, existing and speaking out my mind.

And if you have an experience similar to mine, remember, you’re not alone. 💜🤍🖤💚

#lgbt pride #queer pride #pride month #asexual visibility #asexual #aromantic #aromanticism #aromance #aroace #asexual aromantic #queer

[promiseiwillwrite]

Urgency

Bug or feature, my sense of urgency in life has created both movement and stagnation.

I have whirled in place and gone nowhere at 90 miles an hour, and I have crept slowly, like a beetle walking across an entire desert. I have wrapped the globe three times now with my travels, and I have moved mountains within myself.

I leveraged this aspect of my inner world to move my mental health forward in the last two years. I violated my own boundaries and watched myself being unable to process the people around me not imposing consequences on me.

I knew this was not sustainable. It showed me that my thought framework was jacked up, and that the only one abusing me was me. It was very difficult to accept. But I decided I had to take action.

Some things changed in revolutionary manner, with walls coming down like in Berlin. Other things were fits and starts, with me thrusting myself out of my comfort zone and being unable to breathe or process, and then just diving back to safety over and over.

Many disordered things were intertwined with positive things, and with each other, and as I moved away from black and white and catastrophic thought structures, things loosened a little.

I was abused physically as a child, and mentally and emotionally expected to react as an adult from the time I was about 5. My parents subjected me to intelligence tests, and decided that my results meant I was very smart, and that that meant I should be treated like an adult. It resulted in me becoming emotionally responsible for my parents in wildly inappropriate ways during their divorce a year later. It resulted in emotional abandonment as they focused on their crumbling marriage and insisted that I was the Cause. Told me that the other parent didn't want a girl, told me that I would be punished if I wasn't perfect. Told me that my presence had taken the focus of my mother off my father, resulting in his jealousy.

And so as an adult, I spent years in performative agony, thinking I had to go above and beyond for all people in all settings in order to have people want me around. I never trusted that anything I did was good enough. I was constantly disappointed with myself and my life because If I was so smart, I should at least have cured cancer by now, right? So I must be squandering my gifts. But I was never to think of myself as gifted. It was dead wrong, morally, to ever put myself above anyone else in my own mind in any way. That would be Arrogant, and it would drive everyone away.

I got therapy.

I was a system from 6 to 39.

I stopped being a System in therapy because I recognized that my structures and thoughtforms were reinforcing things that I thought about relationships that I knew I had to change to ever have a chance at peace. While I had periods of time with only very spotty memory formation, and I noticed the Gaps as a teen because I kept a journal, most of my time as a system was more or less harmonious and mutually aware. For a very long time I did not see myself as using a coping mechanism. It was my multiple identity, and it allowed me to feel unique in a way that didn't harm or threaten my abusers. It was how I preserved any notion of self esteem, and felt any self worth: vicariously through the people in my head that no one else could see or hear. As I matured, my inner relationships became more complex, and my inner world more vibrant. There was a point not long ago that I felt they were the most beautiful thing I had ever created.

But I chose to back away from this, and my gods, because I wasn't sure that my skills of discretion and critical thinking and observation were honestly up to the task of self evaluation while maintaining the inner relationships I had created.

I have come to see these parts as me. I still have difficulty owning them. I guess I am still not used to being integrated. There has been a long period of mourning. I wasn't sure, and am still not sure if integration was in my best interest, or if it was what my therapists considered an ideal outcome. Maybe both of those things are true. Maybe they aren't.

But things are not the same now, and I can look back and see when they began to unravel. I have been growing and changing as a person this whole time, and I had definitely outgrown the need for many of the structures I used to protect myself from abuse. I also outgrew the need to define myself using the standards of measurement used by my parents.

I don't know where this leaves me. I'm not going to be cured or pretty or perfect. A lot of my misanthropic tendencies still exist, even with the ability and new habit of challenging them.

I keep having gates slammed in my face online, and I guess I am going to quit trying to engage in any community that requires hard lines and definitions, because I haven't gotten around to setting up that sort of architecture yet.

And while I don't intend to lead an unexamined life, I am not sure that is even possible for me, I guess I will sit here with all my crazy out on the table for sale, as I redefine my relationships with my gods, and my self. I have to work on my own timelines now, and sometimes that is just going to look like me, sitting on my porch sorting gravel by size.

One thing is for sure, while I wait for my ownership and discretion to grow in, I am watching, and trying very hard to objectively (if humans are even capable of that) see what is real, what is reasonable and what serves me.

It is all very "jump off the edge and build the Airplane as you are going down".

So if you see me lurking, and not engaging, my hesitation is very real, and well-founded. I am trying to put together a single identity having never had a frame of reference.

[voilo]

My essay on being godkin -limio

introduction

I’m Limio. I’m a firegod dire/greywolf mix. I first awakened when I was 8-10 years old. Don’t remember the exact age. It started with me developing a hyperfixation on avatar the last airbender. In atla there’s a character named katara. For some reason I hated her with a burning passion. (pun not intended) Since she was a water bender, I decided that I should be a fire being, because I hated her so much. Then I realized that calling myself a fire being, more specifically a fire wolf, felt right. More right than anything else I had ever called myself. That’s when the memories started coming back, and soon I realized, I was a firegod, and later a direwolf/greywolf mix. Ever since I’ve been recounting memories, and now I basically know my entire story. Around 2019 I started joining kin spaces, but I was afraid to admit that I was a god, so I just told everyone I was a dire/greywolf mix. After a while I convinced myself that I was never a firegod in the first place. It took a lot of time for me to open up to who I really was again after that. 

My personal experiences with godkin hate

Around the time that I was rediscovering my identity, I was active on a subreddit called r/otherkringe. It was basically a hater subreddit aimed towards otherkin. I was there defending otherkin and having debates with people. Despite what many currently believe, back then, most arguments I had were civil, and the people on there, respected me in a way. This changed when I admitted to being godkin and plural. Big mistake, I know that now. I started getting a lot of hate, which caused me to do stupid stuff. My once civil arguments turned into people calling me delusional and me hammering back at them because I felt like I needed to defend myself. I became “the one who shall not be named”, and people were becoming more and more hostile the more I stayed on there. I’m not going to say that I was fully without blame. I had moments of getting overconfident, posting on there, getting hate, crying myself to sleep, and repeating the cycle as soon as I got overconfident again. It was like an addiction, which almost got me to want to convince myself I wasn’t a god again. Luckily when I hit my absolute worst spot, I messaged the moderators to ban me, and they locked the subreddit instead. Ever since that my mental health has vastly improved, and I’m doing way better now. 

Commonly used arguments against godkin

The reason I mentioned the otherkringe situation was because it shows how much people seem to hate godkin. Again, otherkringe was perfectly okay with me being a wolf, but as soon as I mentioned I was godkin, they turned on me. And it’s not just nonkin and antikin either. Even in the community, godkin are often hated. A few of the main arguments I’ve seen used against us are. 

That we have superiority complexes

That it must mean we want to be worshiped.

That it’s disrespectful to the divine to identify as divine

That it’s cultural appropriation 

I want to use this opportunity to disprove these arguments. First the “you have a superiority/god complex” argument. Most people who use this argument only know about aberhamic gods. When they think of gods they think of creatures which have all authority and are basically the only being that matters in this world. I’m not that type of god, and neither are most other godkin I’ve met. First of all, I hate being in authority. I hate it so much that all my relationships have been power play, with my partner in power. When I get put in a place of authority, I break down or tell my girlfriend to handle it for me. I can’t deal with the pressure. The most I can deal with is being a moderator, and even then, when it comes to banning/muting people, I ask moon to do it for me. If anything, I have an inferiority complex. I constantly feel like others are better than me at everything. But I don’t want this to turn into me just venting about my life problems, so I’m just going to move on to the next argument often thrown at us, “you must want to be worshiped”. As I’ve already made clear, I hate being in authority. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. If I learned someone worshiped me, I’d freak out, and not in the good way. I can’t deal with that pressure and am ot someone anyone should be looking up to. But I know there are godkin who want to be worshiped, and in my opinion there’s nothing wrong with that. As long as it’s safe, consensual, and both parties benefit from it. You can’t really tell adults what they can and can’t do with their life, as long as no one’s getting hurt. Who cares if someone wants to worship a godkin? It’s no one's business except for the worshiped and the worshiper. Next argument I’ve personally received a lot is “It’s disrespectful to the divine to identify as divine”. I think that mortals shouldn’t get to decide for the divine what the divine are and aren’t offended by. I’ve personally worked with two demons in the past, and they have both been absolutely okay with it. If anything, there was a mutual respect between us. Of course I don’t know all divine, but if me being a god is offensive to them, I’d rather hear that from them themselves. Last but not least, we have the “it’s cultural/religious appropriation” argument. As always I can only speak for myself. I’m not from any religion. I’m not attached to any earthen culture, so I might not be the best person to speak on this, but I’ll do my best anyway. I think that even if someone identifies as a god from an earthen culture/religion, it’s not cultural appropriation. They didn’t choose to identify as said god, and with a lot of godkin I’ve met who identify as a god from a culture/religion, they’ve chosen to follow said culture/religion, but again, I’m not the right person to be writing about this since I’m white and not from any earthen culture/religion.

The perks and struggles of being godkin for me personally

I’ve talked a lot about what being godkin doesn’t make me do, so now I’m going to talk about what it does make me do. For me personally, my identity makes me want to help as many people as I can. Which is both a good and a bad thing. I used to have it worse than I do now, but back in the day, whenever I heard that anyone was suffering, I would immediately reach out to them to try to help them. This caused my own mental health to drop, but I didn’t care about that. After a lot of bad experiences, I’ve learned to only reach out to people when I actually know I can help them. I have a big appreciation for life and how sacred it is, and am a pacifist because of that. I don’t even kill mosquitoes. I can’t get myself to take a life. I also have a big respect towards fire for obvious reasons. I’ve burned myself on everything you could possibly burn yourself on, except for fire. It ironically makes me feel really weak, since I’m stuck in a human body. It makes me sad because I don’t have all the powers I used to have. It makes me frustrated since I can’t help people as well as I used to. People telling me I have a god complex has made me afraid to say anything positive about myself out of fear of being perceived as self centered. It has made me more creative. It has made me love nature way more than I otherwise would have. Etc etc. For me, being godkin has both positive and negative sides, most negative sides are because of people’s perceptions, but to be honest, even though I might never be as accepted as I would have been if I were just a normal wolf, I’m still extremely happy to be who I am, and if I got to choose, I wouldn’t have chosen to be anything else.

#otherkin #alterhuman #godkin #therian #kintype #firegod rambles

[eleord]

there’s thought swirling in my brain

so i think there are 2 types of masking that i undergo. #1 is behavioral masking, as in, eye contact, controlling my body movements, following dialogue scripts. #2 is identity masking, as in “who *should* i be in order to be socially acceptable.”

#1 is exhausting but fortunately the circumstances when it comes up are quite rare nowadays, and i’m becoming more comfortable being Slightly Weird around other ppl. #2 is an amalgamation of what I learned from my parents and from peers (esp in HS) abt who I need to be to not get harassed/commented on. This masking is more insidious because it never lets up - I end up constantly self-policing my identity to try to make it match this idea - and because I haven’t really been able to sit down and be like “ok what are the actual components of this” because the “ideal mask” i’m comparing myself to was built up over such a long period of time.

BUT i am becoming Very Aware now of how it’s influencing - who i date and how i feel about it - how i feel about my body - how i feel about my career - my ability to enjoy hobbies

for example, I am nonbinary and have wanted to have a different relationship w femininity than it seemed like would be socially acceptable, so i repressed these feelings and grew my hair really long. my mom taught me that nothing short of stunning academic success is acceptable, so when i feel badly about my performance in grad school it’s not really about feeling like I let her down, it’s feeling like I am shut off from being a person who deserves to exist. And let me tell you, there’s not much that makes you dislike a hobby more than being overly obsessed with whether you should be enjoying it and if you’re enjoying it correctly.

What I am learning as I get older and am around other people is that whether this type of mask matters is extremely contextual, and as people regard you as being responsible for yourself their general tendency to judge your behavior and express that judgement changes. Again for example, I cut all my hair off and basically everyone either said nothing or went “yeah i like that.” If i flunk out of grad school, no one will care bc it happens all the time, and they will continue to regard me the same way (you know, a person they like).

I think identity masking got me through high school when I was living with my mom and when my behavior was much more heavily policed by my peers. I think a lot of the impulse I get sometimes to go back to high school is that I want to be like “LOOK HOW MUCH BETTER I AM AT MASKING NOW.” but this masking is actively making my life worse. when I say the policing is constant, oh boy is it constant, and it’s all pretty negative. i think it might help if i sit down and actually write out my “ideal mask” in all its horrible, self-contradictory glory, so that it doesn’t have more power in its obscurity.

OH i do want to add. that part of the reason it’s self policing is bc i HATE hypocrisy and i feel like if im presenting something to the world i have to really Be That. But of course I really have very little control over how others perceive me, and my own benchmarks for like “how much x do you need before you can be considered y” tend to be unreasonably strict anyway. so like. I have spent hours agonizing over I Need To Do This For This Person Or How Can I Be A Good Person and the other person is like “dude i really just like that we talk lmao.” the point is that i self police to avoid hypocrisy and my internal benchmarks are set at Literal Saint and Savant so it’s.. uh.. a whole mess. But am coming to realize more that no one gives a shit about any of this anyway and MAYBE i can have a little hypocrisy as a treat.

#autism #masking #i don't know if identity masking is a thing #i am a bad autistic who doesnt read works by other autistic ppl #ive only really ever heard of ppl talking about behavioral masking #so #hopefully this isn't like #completely off base #oh well #i want a shirt that says "i can have a little hypocrisy as a treat

[blankspacebye]

Au Revoir, L' Art des Mémoires

I get a little bit wiser every time I admit that I was wrong. Get a little bit stronger every time I go and fall apart. Can't hold myself together, forever and ever, it's true.

I want to get used to finding joy in remembering and freedom in forgetting.

When people ask me about my biggest fear in this life, the answer is forgetfulness. I’m afraid of forgetting and being forgotten. I’m terrified of one day waking up and forgetting everything I’ve been through in my life; everything being reduced to simple things like just who I am or what my name is. I’m also afraid of being forgotten by the people I love, perhaps due to Alzheimer’s or dementia. That’s why I fear anything related to memory disorders.

It must be painful. It’s like being an empty human that can’t remember and feel the memories that happened in life. I remember watching one of my favorite movies Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and I could feel the desperation of Joel when he discovered that Clementine, his girlfriend, decided to erase him from her memories. It’s as painful as Clementine’s behavior after erasing Joel from her mind — feeling lost, old, and not making sense of anything due to the identity crisis after losing around two years of her life.

So if I could erase painful memories from my mind, would I? I don’t think so.

A few days later, I was watching a video from my favorite YouTuber. He invited a neurosurgeon to his podcast. The neurosurgeon mentioned many functions of our body that we don’t realize are blessings. One of them is the human ability to forget. Imagine having a significant past trauma; if we forget, we can move on and get a life. Think about all the sensory inputs and experiences you have every minute, every day, every year, and throughout your lifetime. If you remembered every single thing, life would always be filled with memories that might disturb and hold you back. You’d be unable to function; you have to forget some things. Forgetting is not a flaw because of the same reason the neurosurgeon mentioned in the video. Our brain is constantly deciding what to remember and what to forget. It doesn’t always make decisions that we find helpful, but in general, the decisions it makes (primarily unconsciously) are keeping us alive.

So, am I really afraid of forgetting and being forgotten? I once wanted to forget something to dwell a world away from pain. Little did I know that what I wanted was to change how I felt about the memories — from pain to happiness. However, I realize it’s an inhumane view because scars, memories, suffering, and experiences are part of living. I couldn’t choose whether I’d rather have my brain erased to experience pure happiness again and again or know the past, its mistakes, and grow out of it. No matter how painful it may seem, our minds witness the battles we’ve fought and the roads we’ve walked. At the end of the day, we are our happiness but also our pain.

So, let’s get back to the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I love the fact that the movie isn’t aiming to be the perfect love story; it wants to depict the messiness of human relationships, and it does it so well. As Joel experiences all these memories being erased, he realizes that no matter how much pain and heartbreak he feels, it’s not worth losing these memories of Clementine. It’s an extended metaphor saying that even though heartbreak is awful, the happiness felt at the peak of the relationship and the personal growth you get from it is worth the pain.

What I see is not that we want to learn from our mistakes to feel happiness — it’s to experience them again — but experience them differently. Not totally the same, but with different outlooks, much like how Joel’s character changed to a spontaneous guy and Clementine’s character changed at the end. It seems we think that if we acted differently, things would end up more favorable.

So by the end, what’s different? If, by the end of the movie, they are still doing the same thing for the same reasons, then they haven’t learned or developed at all. No, it’s not. The whole point is that they have this revelation that there is more to it than that; they grasp a higher meaning to their fate.

It’s better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all.

People are always going to remember and forget. Pain or happiness, it doesn’t matter because a person is built from both. The only thing apparent was to live the best you can so that no regretful decisions can change the way we feel about our memories. There is essentially no safe point in time to make your perspective and the only safe point is now.

These selective memories are true representations of the experiences that are still rooted in fact and most importantly reflect how we will look back at the memories as we move on. Every thought we have, every word we speak, every action we engage in — indeed, our very sense of self and our sense of connectedness to others — we owe to our memory, they always live in us as we grow.

Having a spotless mind does not always bring eternal sunshine. Happiness is not supposed to be eternal, but it is everywhere. Find yours and spread it to the people around you.

In your memory, Sati Soirée.

P.S. When I write this post, I replaying Dividends by DWLLRS. The lyrics on pre-chorus song is on point and makes me realize that there's long way that I've been through yet there's long way there to living through. This song is exceptional and it makes me happy all day, realizing that there's magical thing called The Art of Memoirs.

I think I get one step closer to gain my clarity. Well, I know that I still have to learn more but knowing the fact that memory has its own magic were amazing. It's a same topic as I write Lieu de Mémoire but this post gives me more clarity. Well, solid in solitude right?

#Spotify

[intrusivethoughts369]

“Brother from Another Planet”: Embracing our Alien Self

I wanted to dive into a specific theme from “Brother from Another Planet” and tie it into my life in a relatable sense from two outlets. This film portrays a thought-provoking world where a black man with strange feet crash-lands on earth in New York CIty and now has to acclimate to the new environment. We explore themes of being an outsider and navigating unfamiliar territories. Through the lens of this film, i am able to identify similarities with immigrants, such as my own parents, who traveled to a new land in the 1980’s-1990’s, (coincidentally around the same time this film was published), as well as difficulties, doubts, and fears I am facing right now as a young adult entering the “adult world.”

Finding himself in Harlem, New York, a city where it can get tough to live in even as a native, he is unable to speak but possesses special powers. As an outsider, he observes and gets involved with everyone he comes across, giving us a unique insight on the problems that underprivileged populations endure.

This is so relatable to me because I draw on experiences that my parents went through when they immigrated to America from Israel and Morocco in the 1980’s-1990’s. The feeling of being an “alien” in a new land with an obvious language barrier but having a skill in which they are waiting to use and start their life - their own “special powers”. My father was in the retail business prior to immigration and my mother was always good with kids and loved educating them. These are the “special powers” they had but it took them a while to implement them because of the alienation. Just like The Brother, they started a risky journey in uncharted territory filled with obscurities, acclimating to a whole new culture, learning a language as fully developed adults, and adjusting to a new way of life. Their experiences with numerous obstacles along the way changed their perspective and allowed them to empathize with issues others faced daily. 

Similarly, as a 22-year-old graduating college in a year (amen to that), only steps closer to entering the “adult world,” I find myself in the same position my parents and The Brother faced in their journey. Transitioning from this regimented environment for academics to the complexity and multifaceted nature of adulthood is something that not only will be difficult but carries a lot of fear with it. Similar to an “alien,” I am navigating unfamiliar waters, searching for my place of happiness and where I fit in most, and attempting to understand the jargon and the customs of this new stage in my life. During school I am always in a constant state of learning but this new phase in life will be a whole different style of learning. 

The movie "Brother from Another Planet" serves as a helpful reminder that having a different perspective on things might be a benefit. Similar to how my parents' experiences enabled them to understand the difficulties of adjusting to a new culture, the Brother's observations of underprivileged populations give light on the hardships they endure. Similar to how my outsider viewpoint enables me to challenge society conventions and seek alternative pathways as I make my way through the "adult world,"

In the end, the movie urges us to accept our "alien" identity and see it as an asset rather than a liability. By acknowledging our diverse points of view, we may promote empathy, comprehension, and deepen our relationships with others.

As we look at "Brother from Another Planet" through the lens of "aliens," let's celebrate what we have discovered as outsiders and appreciate the worth of our unique points of view. Accept the difficulties, gain knowledge from the experiences, and allow our "alien" identity serve as a stimulant for development and comprehension in a constantly shifting environment.

[thehazeldruid]

The Nine Strands of Druidry

The Nine Strands (or Dimensions) of Druidry and how they relate to my own life. This is not an actual Dogma for Druidry, but every belief system has to have a foundation to build upon.

First Strand:Tribal- Cultural Identity. If it’s not Celtic, It’s not druidic. This one is simply a generalization saying that in order to connect with Druidry, one must study the Celts, which I assure you, I do as often as possible.

Second Strand: Artistic dimension. The Celts were artistic, using their art to connect the divine to the physical world. I believe I am strongly connected to the Awen, or divine inspiration, as I churn out poetry near non stop. As well as welding and beginning a blacksmithing apprenticeship to continue my creative expression through working with metal. (my poetry can be found at mgreywood

Third Strand: Healing Dimension. I tend to reach out to those in need of advice or a nurturing friendship. I aim to help any person in any kind of distress to the best of my abilities. Be it by giving advice, or just listening and being there. I’ve also begun an in depth study of herbs (writing my own herbal!) and hope to become much better acquanted with healing through herbal remedies. Aside from that, I run a group that meets weekly to clean local parks and visit the local water treatment plants to assure that the water is indeed being treated properly, as well as helping out with the recycling in the small town I live in.

Fourth Strand: Metaphysical Dimension. Through studying metaphysics we understand the universe. Though my view is very poetic, I have written on the subjects of space and time, what it truly is to know and be and feel. That understanding is ever changing as I grow physically, spiritually and mentally.

Fifth Strand: Seership Dimension. Not specifically divination. This is contact with the Otherworld for healing and to find wisdom. It is through connecting to the divine that our spirits learn and grow. My personal meditations bring me a greater sense of self, a greater understanding of my deities, my relationship to them, as well as my place in the world and how best I am meant to help myself and others.

Sixth Strand: Ritual. Now, Personally, I am entirely against organized religion. I grew up in a Catholic family, and while I have no doubt they are devout, they tend to just ‘go through the motions’ and to me, that is no way to worship. Each prayer, each song, each praise said and each ritual performed should be unique. While there are some that should be repeated, it should not be repeated exactly. As we grow, we change, and so too should the way we worship and connect and communicate with the divine.

Seventh Strand: Natural Philosophy. Parrallel to Seership and Metaphysics. This is a physical study of the world around us, how we fit, how we use it. There is a need to understand the physical world before we throw the spiritual world on top of it. I’ve studied the flood planes in my town, the flow of the river, where it comes from and where it goes, several of the plants native to the area, the types of soil and rocks that can be found around here and that sort of thing. Then, once I understood the physical layout of my world, I was able to apply my spiritual practice directly to the world in which I live.

Eighth Strand: Teaching. Students and teachers are dynamically connected. While the teacher ‘knows more’ on the subject and is surely the one passing on knowledge, the student’s questions should also inspire the teacher to rethink what they know. How did they become teachers, by being students. We are perpetual students, constantly adding to our knowledge and passing it on. It is our responsibility to pass our knowledge on to the future generations as well as to learn from them, so that the beliefs and practices can be successfully carried forward into the future. I try to do my best to remain level headed when someone asks me about my beliefs. I have to know what questions to ask myself in order to be able to answer them from others. So I always question myself, where my belies come from, and how and why i believe what I do.

Ninth Strand: Service. That is simply all the other dimensions together. I am student and teacher, healer, ritual practitioner, studying all aspects of the world, physical, philosophical, metaphysical, and beyond. It is through serving others, serving the world, that I serve myself and grow.

This was a quick meditation, one I did to help realign myself with my path and myself in the wake of the past week’s events. But now I can continue my studies with an even more solid knowledge of the foundation of my beliefs.

M.G.

/|\

The Hazel Druid

#meditation #Druid #druidry #Druidism #druids of tumblr #awen #my meditation #Druid studies #pagan #paganism #spiritual #spirituality

[scarletttjphotography2022]

Final Image Selection Images 1-5

For my final selection, I’ve chosen images that speak most truly to me experience as a sibling to my brother Archie, who is autistic and has epilepsy, which affects my daily life and shapes my viewpoint and sense of self.

Reflection I & II

These images show my identity as an observer of my brother. I’ve used mirrors, reflections, and distortions and my averted gaze to show the act of watching and the every changing nature of both my sense of self and my relationship to my brother. “Who am I?” is a question I am constantly chasing and the answer is always just out of view. One of the clearest ways I can see myself is through my relationship with my brother.Growing up with a brother who draws attention and is constantly being judged has taught me to navigate the world with a sense of mediation and observation. My life means always looking out for someone. 

Technical: The angle of the left image leads the eye into the composition and the blurred face in the top right corner. A shallow depth of field means that the foreground is in focus but no the face further back creating the idea of mystery around my identity. In reflection II, blurring on the frame in the foreground draws focus to my self-portrait.

There’ll Always Be Apples I & II

This image of my compost bin reflects my family’s eating habits. In my blog I’ve talked about physical environments showing stability and contrasting with the evolving landscapes of relationship and self-identity, but this picture shows physical, everyday things that change all the time. Archie needs routine and consistency in his life, and part of this is his very limited diet.Even if the food around it changes. there’ll always be apples in our compost because they’re his favourite food.

Technical: When I shot these photos I considered the hourglass technique as a way to focus on the most symbolic part of this image and then establish the context it sits in. I used bright natural light in this photo which allowed me to get a clear image. I stood on a chair and used an 18mm focal length to get all of the sink unit in the picture. In camera raw, I increased the contrast on both images to enhance the enhance the painterly quality to them. I used a subtle vignette on image I to compliment the oval shape of the compost bin, and a stronger vignette in II to pull focus in.

Reflection III

The day I took this image I was really stressed, because my brother was upset in a public place. In these situations I feel a responsibility to other people to keep them safe, as he can get violent in situations like this, and a responsibility to my brother to make sure he doesn’t do anything he regrets. This day I was feeling the weight of this responsibility. I took this image in a moment of peace I had alone on the street. The layers of reflections capture this moment of calm and the hollow exhaustion I was feeling. Leaving school, the magnitude of what having Archie as my brother will have on my life has really sunk in, especially as my parents age. I have a responsibility to look after him and his wellbeing. 

Technical: The stop sign, the pedestrian pole, and my figure divide the image into sections. Layers are created through the reflections behind me and inside the building. For this image I was inspired by Vivian Maier’s window self portraits, which situate herself in the scenes she shoots.

[pridepages]

Sapphic Struggle: Leah on the Offbeat

I just finished Leah on the Offbeat by Becky Albertalli. I have some thoughts.

Here there be spoilers!

Full shade to Love, Victor, this is the follow-up I wanted for the Creekwood kids. While beloved Simon and Bram are frequently present, and go through their own B-storyline of growth in love in the background, this book is all about Simon's friend, Leah Burke.

This is not a coming-to-terms story, which may surprise readers of the first book. Leah informs us that she has known she is bisexual long before she even met Simon Spier. Nevertheless, she has elected not to come out to her friends--not even during the events of Simon's story.

The more we get to know Leah, the more we understand why she wouldn't share. Leah is absolutely terrified of being vulnerable with other people. She fears rejection above everything. In a thought reminiscent of Bram's "Blue" post (I wonder if she read it?) Leah muses "I don't get how people walk through life with all their windows wide open."

There's particular nuance to Leah's secretiveness: it's not precisely that she refuses to share herself. It's that she doesn't want to share herself unfinished. If she isn't perfectly formed, certain, and self-assured, then she would rather wait until she is.

But the problem that Leah is discovering is that there's very little about ourselves we can be sure of: life is constantly experiencing, questioning, and shaping ourselves in response to the world.

There's one particular disaster sapphic moment that made me laugh because I GOT it. Leah is sure that attraction "has to be easier for people with penises. Does this person get you hard? Yes? Done. I used to think boners literally pointed n the direction of the person you're attracted to, like a compass. That would be helpful. Mortifying as fuck, but at least it would clarify things."

As a teenager, and again as I was wrestling with my queerness as a young adult, I had that thought pretty much word for word. It is so terrible and frustrating to struggle with attraction in a world that so de-prioritizes women's feelings. Women, particularly queer or trans women, often have to struggle with interpreting and reconciling the messages our brains and bodies send. Because the lens through which we are socially taught to read attraction is so often geared toward the desires of cismen...even the queer ones (as any sapphic who has found herself lost in a gay bar surrounded by men can tell you).

It's obviously not that easy. For all of us, shaping our identities is a lifelong process. Things are going to change. We are going to be wrong. And being wrong so publicly? Yes, can be terrible and humiliating. I still grapple with the fact that I forced myself into an ill-fitting hetero relationship for basically all of my teenage years because I was lonely and some part of my brain was screaming "if you can't make it work with this boy, you'll never make it work with any boy" (turns out my brain was right, I had just missed the nuance so far that I wasn't even in the same jurisdiction). Remembering those years is so cringe and horrible I sometimes wish I could get a do-over, or at least erase them from my brain. Then I wish I could have all that lost time back and get a do-over knowing what I know now.

But honestly? That time wasn't a waste. Without those experiences, I probably wouldn't have become who I am now: confident and happy in who I am.

I'm so glad we leave Leah starting to figure out that becoming who you are can't happen in isolation. We shape ourselves in and around other people. That means throwing the windows of our heart open. That means being imperfect and embarrassing. That means making mistakes. That means taking the risk that might not be a mistake at all. That means choosing the unknown and maybe arriving somewhere wonderful. "Don't overthink this."

Bright, surly, foul-mouthed Leah: I see you. I was you as a teenager. I'm still probably somewhat like that now. Let's just keep remembering to stay open, yeah? Keep putting ourselves out there and choosing to live. It all might suck, but it all might be brilliant. Wouldn't it be a shame to miss out?

#leah on the offbeat #becky albertalli #lgbt reads