#neil has more attitude under his attitude

[all-for-andreil]

Neil: I can’t. I have a bit of an attitude problem.

Andrew *to himself watching Neil*: I wanna see what’s under that attitude

Neil: you know, I get it. Being raised as a superstar must be really, really difficult for you. Always a commodity, never a human being…

Andrew *nodding slowly*: ahh, yes…more attitude.

#aftg #all for the game #a dash of sugar #five tons of attitude and spice #aftg ft. taylor swift #neil has more attitude under his attitude #aftg fandom #andrew minyard #neil josten

[ouidamforeman]

This may make me look like an idiot bc I can’t articulate myself BUT!!!!!!!! Big Queer Good Omens meta incoming

I want to talk about This Neil Gaiman ask for a minute because I figured out why I really like his blanket response to this “discourse” a lot but still somewhat disagree on the nuance, and why fandom attitudes about this bother me much much more than his open ended response like this one

Under a read more because im going to get Insane

First of all this is going to be riddled with my own viewpoints on queerness as a transmasculine nonbinary person who reads too much theory so if u disagree please be polite lol

So like. To begin with I really don’t think Neil is obligated to understand these nuances or even comment on them, let alone explain them to fans desperate for validation, so the fact that he’s been able to answer so eloquently is pretty impressive considering how vicious fandom is. But I want to specifically talk about what I think he means here and why that seems to bother fandom so much sometimes, and how fan interpretation of these ideas he presents can get Really weird and interesting imo.

In my view, Neil is answering this from a Doylist perspective, as in like. To the real life human audience, angels and demons are inherently queer because they don’t fit into traditional human definitions of genders and sexualities. This especially comes across in his insistence that Aziraphale and Crowley aren’t gay because they aren’t human men, but they ARE queer. This literally just looks to me like him saying “yeah so no angels and demons fit into these categories so they’re definitely queer from our perspective but I understand ‘gay’ as being two men and i don’t think that fits because it’s narrow” and while I disagree on some nuances here for reasons I’ll get into I think this makes total sense as an author describing how, from his perspective, an audience is intended to view these nonhuman characters.

However, I’m much more interested in a more Watsonian explanation of how A&C are queer, one that’s much more relativistic and honestly not something I expect Neil to go over every time he gets another ask about this???? My opinion has always been that A&C choosing human queer masculinity is significant and that it gives evidence to them being nonbinary, transmasc, gay, ace, aro, anything that people headcanon really. Because they are presenting themselves as queer in a HUMAN way in universe imo, which makes them queer not just by the standards of the audience but by the standards of other angels and demons in the story? I think that the fact that they were created as sexless and genderless and then CHOSE human gender presentations, whether nonbinary or not, that reflected themselves, and then them being in love with each other in a human way IS what makes them queer, not Just the idea that an angel without a gender or sexuality/romantic or other relationship orientation is inherently queer from the average human’s perspective. People who just want them to be Human Cis Gay Men are really missing this idea I think.

The thing is though. And I don’t think this is Neil’s problem to solve or whatever, nor does it mean “stop liking that angels and demons are genderless”. The thing that annoys the shit out of me. Is that fandom, even queer fandom, took Neil’s Doylist explanation of celestial beings’ gender status and just didn’t think any further about it. To this day people insist that A&C MUST be nonbinary forever just because they’re an angel and demon and were made that way. Like literally just inventing Fantasy Biological Essentialism again which is annoying as hell to me, another nonbinary person. Again, the fact that they were created without any sense of gender or biological sex and then chose any humanish gender for themselves at all whether nonbinary or not is what makes them queer in universe I feel. I think the “they’re an angel and demon so they’re inherently nonbinary and can’t be anything else” is shit tbh.

To reiterate, I think Neil is responding about this from a Doylist perspective aka “to the real life audience all angels and demons are queer because they don’t fit into human genders and sexualities” but I am focused much more on the Watsonian idea that A&C are queer in universe bc angels and demons can choose their gender presentations like humans can and everyone else hasn’t figured it out bc they haven’t been on earth to figure out what gender even is. I feel fandom gets weird about this because lots of people still see gender as something solely internal and inherent, when I genuinely don’t think that’s all it is. It’s internal feeling, external projection/behavior, and both of those as a reflection of social experience all at once. The feelings and internal sense of Knowing your gender or lack thereof is inherent to your self identity, but your gender is also informed by what you understand genders as, and what presentations you understand and have access to! Aziraphale and Crowley can be Human Genders because, because they’ve been on earth, they 1)know what gender is, 2)can see those feelings reflected in themselves, and 3)through that understanding choose how to present based on their feelings! They don’t just have to be genderless celestial beings in the sense angels are if they don’t feel like it anymore! They can be like “oh actually I’m a queer man” or “oh I’m nonbinary but in the way that I’m among humans and I’m not a man or woman.” I just feel like only considering them queer from a human or angel perspective but not both is sort of undermining the themes in the text against bioessentialism in favor of the instant validation of “oh they’re angels so they must be nonbinary.” Perhaps having any human gender presentation is queer to the average angel. Our internal feelings and sense of self knowledge as queer people is inherent. How we act on those things and assign meaning and labels to them can be anything! A&C can be anything they feel like! They don’t have to be the classic celestial beings above gender! I feel like they would love and have fallen into human gender customs just from so long on earth, and that doesn’t mean they can’t be nonbinary or agender. It means they, as a part of humanity, saw and understood human genders and realized what gender they were in relation, whatever you headcanon that to be. And that’s more queer than “god made them without sex and gender so I guess their species makes them inherently one thing”!!!!!!

#good omens #book omens #neil gaiman #good omens meta #go meta #queer #idk guys. Just really not liking the biological essentialist takes in queer fandom especially #why did u have to make up biological essentialism for fantasy creatures. please #I don’t blame Neil for this btw literally chill about him who cares #anyways lol

[kevindavidday]

Okay TSC rambles and spoilers under the cut

first of all, i would do anything for jean moreau so jot that down

jean's backstory gave me so much grief because in the middle i truly did think 'hey, what if he had family he could reconnect with?' and the way he started crying only after he found out about his sister? the absolute gentleness in jean moreau's heart is just unparalleled and i love him more than life itself

the way he defends kevin throughout claiming he earned the right to be arrogant and constantly referring to him as the Court's Queen...just kevin and jean in general...it feels like a dream to me...'take kevin's name out of your ignorant mouth'...

the fact that even in the start jean seemed to trust kevin's touch more than anyone else's

kevin day in general - their little secret of learning french, getting him magnets and postcards with stories and memories, making promises...he is singlehandedly the reason why three of my other faves found a will to live

one of the best parts for me was realizing how different neil is from someone else's pov but i can tell kevin's arrogance has rubbed off on him and vice versa because kevin was much more 'fuck it' with his attitude in tsc - so refreshing to see

the mafia hit at the end was absolute perfection actually like neil catches hint of trouble and immediately has his uncle sending someone out...the butcher neil potential is off the charts...truly a wesninski at heart and yet the near gentle way he treated jean like boy has learnt so much from his foxes i'm so proud of him and his 'i've got him, coach'

finally...jeremy knox. he's everything i expected and more actually but i'm so so curious about his backstory like i neeeed to know more

absolutely delightful to see these characters again idk how i'm supposed to go back to daily life now

#tsc spoilers #the sunshine court #aftg #jean moreau #jeremy knox #jerejean #kevin day #neil josten #kevjean

[petermorwood]

YA or not YA, that is the question...

This started out as a response to Diane’s post here about YA literature and its long history prior to what some people think inspired it, but got longer (Oh! What a surprise!) and wandered far enough from the initial subject that I decided to post separately.

So here it is.

*****

Many years ago my town library (in Northern Ireland, so following UK library practice, I suppose) had just two sections, Adult and Children. There was no YA section, and the Children’s section covered everything from large-format picture books through to hardback novels and the usual amount of non-fiction.

(Library books were almost always bought in hardback for better wear, and even the softback picture books were rebound with heavy card inserts.)

There were classics like “Treasure Island”,  “Kidnapped”, “King Solomon’s Mines” “Under the Red Robe” and “The Jungle Books”.

There were standalone titles like “The Otterbury Incident”, “The Silver Sword”, “The Sword in the Stone” and “The Stone Cage”.

There were series about characters like William, Biggles, Jennings and his counterpart Molesworth, the Moomins, Narnia and Uncle.

There were authors like Alan Garner, Nicholas Stuart Grey, Rosemary Sutcliffe, Henry Treece, Ronald Welch… And of course there was J.R.R. Tolkien.

The first time I got "The Hobbit", "Farmer Giles of Ham" and "Smith of Wootton Major" they were shelved in the Children's section. This was about 1968-69.

In the early 1970s the library moved to larger premises, which allowed room for Very Young Children (where the picture books now lived) and Children (everything else), still with no YA section, though with more advanced picture books like “Tintin” and “Asterix” * in a sort of no-man’s-land between them.

( * These included editions in the original French, which turned out very useful for making language lessons at school a bit more fun and gaining extra marks in exams through judiciously enhanced vocabulary.)

“The Hobbit” et cetera were still on the Children shelves, but now that the library was larger and more open-plan, volumes of "The Lord of The Rings", normally in the Adult section, occasionally got shelved there as well by well-meaning non-staff people.

I never saw “The Hobbit” mis-shelved alongside “Lord of the Rings” among the Adults, but Farmer Giles” and “Smith” sometimes turned up there, courtesy of those same well-meaning hands.

It’s probably because the first, with its sometimes complex wordplay and mock-heroic plot, reads like a humorous parody of more serious works, while the second, if read in the right frame of mind, can seem quite adult in the style of Sylvia Townsend Warner’s “Kingdoms of Elfin” - which is in fact a good deal more adult than “Smith of Wootton Major”, even if you squint.

*****

This “Hobbit” / “Rings” confusion is a lightweight version of assuming a particular author writes every book for the same age-group. This is very much not the case.

Sometimes the thickness of the book is a giveaway. Compare, for instance, @neil-gaiman’s “American Gods” with “Coraline” or indeed “Fortunately, The Milk”.

Sometimes the cover is a hint, for example the difference between “Live and Let Die” by Ian Fleming...

...and “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”, also by Ian Fleming...

...although the original James Bond novels are – apart from some extremely dated attitudes – a lot more weaksauce than many YA books nowadays.

(More weaksauce still now that Fleming, like Roald Dahl and Agatha Christie, has been censored to conceal the extent to which - let's call them Certain Attitudes - were a standard feature in British popular fiction. Apparently (I haven't read any Newspeak Bond so can't confirm) the redaction was done in a curiously slapdash way, removing some things while leaving others.

These novels have become, IMO anyway, period pieces as much as Kipling, Doyle, Dickens and Austen, and erasure probably has less to do with sensitivity - maybe with some "brush it under the rug and they'll forget about it" involved - than with keeping them marketable, so Fleming doesn't go the way of other once-bestselling writers like "Sapper" and Sydney Horler.)

It would also be a mistake, despite advisory wizards Tom and Carl, to think that @dduane’s “Young Wizards” books are meant for the same age-group as her “Middle Kingdoms” series – although, once again, the later YW books and all of the MK slot into what a modern YA audience expects from its fiction.

But sometimes there’s absolutely no doubt that This Book by This Author is not meant for the readership of That Book by The Same Author. I’m thinking of one example which caused a certain amount of amusement.

“Bee Hunter” by Robert Nye is a retelling of the Beowulf story for children, though IIRC occasional bloody episodes as Grendel takes Hrothgar’s housecarls apart make it more suited to older children. 

I’d brought home a copy from the library when much younger, and borrowed it again years later in company with another Nye novel, “Falstaff”...

...which was poetic, historic, melancholic, often bawdy, frequently funny and at all times most emphatically NOT for children, as indicated by some of these chapter headings - I draw your attention to XX, XXII, XXXII and especially XL... ;->

Yes. Quite... :->

*****

I was familiar with card index systems from quite early in my life, because my grandfather’s grocer’s shop had a fairly simple one for keeping track of customers, suppliers, stock and so forth, and since the library’s index card system cross-referenced in the same way, I was already home and dry.

If I could remember a title, I'd find the author, and once found I could track down other titles by that author (which, as shown above, can be educational...) Even if I could only remember the subject - historical, adventure, comedy - I'd still have narrowed my search window more than somewhat.

(This from-here-to-there mindset later became virtual train travel by way of the electronic timetables which SBB – Swiss Railways – used to issue on CD, and which let me “travel” anywhere in Europe, complete with a map. Those CDs are long discontinued, but I can still do virtual travel courtesy of the SBB website. Complete with a map…)

This is the last one we got, kept for sentimental reasons and occasional outdated train-travel on an equally outdated XP netbook.

As you do.

Or as I do, anyway. :->

*****

I also knew about title request cards and interlibrary loans, and was a frequent user - never more so than when I started reading “The Lord of the Rings” for the first time.

The town library didn’t have all three volumes, just “The Fellowship of the Ring” and “The Two Towers”, so I checked them out on a Friday to read over the weekend.

You can already see where this is going… :->

I finished “Fellowship” late on Saturday afternoon, went straight into “Towers” and by Sunday evening was all of a twitter (no, not that one) or as my mum would have said, up to high Doh, as I fretted about Not Knowing What Happened Next.

Fortunately school was no more than a brisk bike ride from the library, so I devoted my Monday morning break to zooming down and filling in one of the most urgent title requests I’ve ever made, then spent the rest of the week on tenterhooks, looking in every lunchtime and each afternoon on my way home.

Just In Case.

Some kindly librarian must have pulled strings or stamped the request "Expedite Soonest", because when I went back to school after Thursday lunch, I had “The Return of the King” burning a hole in my saddlebag.

I wanted to start reading it at once, but good sense prevailed; imagine getting caught between chapters at the back of a boring Geography lesson and Having The Book Confiscated…

I didn’t pay much attention in class on Friday, due to being half-asleep after starting “Return” in the evening after prep and finishing it in the wee hours of the morning.

But being tired didn’t prevent me from starting with “Fellowship” again on Friday night, and this time being able to read right through to the end without needing to stop.

It Was Great…

#YA books #library age categories #library use #don't judge a book by its cover #don't judge an age group by author #anecdotage

[fizzigigsimmer]

My fave ballet tube channel out here feeding me plot bunnies for Harringrove Ballet School Au. Just imagine, Billy arrives on campus. Spitting mad cause his dad made him take the bus. Cheapskate wouldn’t even spring for a plane ticket when it’s Billy’s financial aide filling his pockets. He decided halfway there he’s not going to stay. He’s going to hop on the first bus back to Cali as soon as he can raise the money and that’s what he tells Madame Harrington. She may have bought Neil but she can’t buy him. Nobody can force him to stay here - which is true. He’s hoping she won’t want to deal with a runaway and a bad attitude, that she’ll just revoke the scholarship and end this farce for him. Neil will beat his ass black and blue but what else is new. At lease he’ll still have home and the beach.

Madame Harrington doesn’t look happy but she doesn’t get angry either. She makes Billy promise to sleep on it. Sit in on a class, have a real think about what he’s about to throw away. Billy’s not stupid, he knows she’s hoping he’ll see other kids dancing and make some friends and suddenly want to change his mind. It’s not going down like that. And it doesn’t. The class she takes him to is tier one, the advanced class. It’s mostly juniors and seniors but Billy spots a few younger kids and a couple of absolute shrimps who look like they haven’t left the seventh grade. They’re good though is the thing, doesn’t take more than a few steps to see why they’re in here dancing with the big kids. A redhead catches him watching in the doorway and gives him the stink eye.

And then whatever combination they’re doing ends and everyone is clapping, and the instructor calls out that it’s time for their soloist. “Be the swan, Steven. No spaghetti arms!”

The energy in the room just changes, the chatter lifting in anticipation as the students drift back to the edge of the room as a solitary figure steps forward. He’s got good shape. Strong legs - so long - and lean arms. Those fucking tights love him - holy shit. Billy can be forgiven for missing the first few steps he takes while he blinks away the after image that bulge has burned into his fucking retinas. But when he’s capable of seeing beyond it again, he sees this kid - this Steven - floating across the floor in some of the prettiest lines he’s ever seen. He thinks the number from Swan Lake. Thinks Steve-o is gorgeous when he’s not fucking it up, playing to the crowd and losing focus. It’s only a wobble here or there, just minor imperfections.

It annoys the shit out of Billy.

“Who’s the diva?” he asks Madame H. under the sudden swell of clapping and cheering as the boy’s solo comes to an end.

She smiles, a twinkle entering her eye.

“That would be Steve. My son.”

Her son? Wait! That’s Steve Steve? The kid he used to penpal and trade basketball cards with. That’s Steve Harrington?

“Oh yeah?” Billy sneers, hoping to hide how dry his mouth has gone. Challenges with an arched brow, “Teachers son thinks he’s hot shit huh?”

But Madame H. seems unperturbed. She doesn’t tell him off about his language or take offense for her kid’s sake, just keeps smiling at Billy with that little glint in her eye that’s too fond for comfort.

“He’s been best in his age group since he was eight. Makes it hard to keep him challenged. I was hoping that would change with you here now, but if you’re set on leaving I guess I’ll have to come up with something else.”

It’s so stupid. Some reverse psychology bullshit, but damn it it’s working because Billy isn’t as keen on leaving as he was when they walked in.

“You sure that’s what you want?” He asks, barely waiting for the perplexed look to form on her face as he shrugs off his duffel bag. He strides into the room like he owns it, feels the heads turn towards him as his sneakers thud hollowly on the hard floor. The chatter dies as he calls out, “you call that a dance?”

His eyes lock with the boy in the center of the room.

Billy will show him a dance. He’ll show them all.

#harringrove #billy hargrove #steve harrington #ballet au #inspiration #Periodicly I drown myself in ballet tiktok and youtube shorts just to sate my craving for this fic #I want it so bad lol but I have to write it first and it’s the worst conundrum ever😭 #Youtube

[gerogerigaogaigar]

Alright here are ten more albums. These ones are just my personal picks. Some that you prolly don't know and some you definitely do. I think you should listen to all of them because I like them a lot and if you don't like them then I promise I will cry a little.

Lemon Demon - Spirit Phone

Okay so I know that half of you just checked out because this is a 'meme album' and you simply will not take me seriously no matter what but honestly if that's you then go fuck yourself. Anyway Neil Cicierega is an internet fixture. He has brought us animutation, The Ultimate Showdown Of Ultimate Destiny, Mouth Sounds, Potter Puppet Pals, Brodyquest, Ariel Needs Legs, and probably a lot of other things I'm forgetting. So it isn't really a surprise that his first full album under the Lemon Demon moniker in a decade went down as a piece of weird internet errata as well. The thing is, Spirit Phone is a fucking masterpiece.

The subject matter is the occult, conspiracy theories, urban legends, aliens, cryptids, and conservatives. Nothing too weird, but the way he tackles these subjects is. Let's take Cabinet Man for example, it plays on the urban legend of the haunted arcade cabinet Polybius. But Cabinet Man is told from the point of view of the machine itself. It's about a man who turns himself into an arcade cabinet and about his life as an arcade cabinet. The very next track, No Eyed Girl, is a doo wop styled love song written to a lovecraftian horror. And yes this is all very Quirky™ but Cicierega never wink at the camera, he never lets on that this is a joke. Just like unironically here's a song about sexualizing (even if he insists it isn't sexual) eating mummies. Why not? The frenetic pacing always keeps you off balance too so there is no way to get used to the weirdness other than to let yourself be subsumed by it.

"But wait!" I hear you saying "what was that thing about conservatism? What does that have to do with the occult?" I'm glad you asked because I think the funniest thing this album does is deliver three songs in a row that have nothing to do with the rest of the album's main themes. As Your Father I Expressly Forbid It, I Earned My Life, and Reaganomics all satirize American boomer conservatism. I think putting them there after all the conspiracy theory stuff is brilliant. The paranoid, surreal attitudes of the first half of the album contrasted against the equally paranoid and surreal attitudes of conservatives. Finally I just want to mention my number one favorite thing about this album and it's that I Earned My Life is written in the style of Paul Simon's Graceland. That makes me laugh. What an effortless takedown of a legendary artist and album.

Ween - The Mollusk

Ween are a pretty weird band. And my standards for what counts as weird are pretty high. So the fact that their least weird album is this nautically themed psychedelic hellscape isn't saying much. The Mollusk sounds how low tide smells. The album is like the rhyme of the ancient mariner but the albatross is replaced by hundreds of barnacles. It is a decaying mess, but it's also jaunty and fun. Purely stupid nonsense like Waving My Dick In The Wind and Dancing In The Show Tonight are placed side by side with the intense and horror tinged Golden Eel and Mutilated Lips.

Musically Ween are uncharacteristically cohesive. Sure they run the gamut of genres from intense proggy numbers to punk and alternative rock and some showtunesy stuff, but it's all mastered as wet as possible. By the way y'all know when I say a sound is wet I mean heavily processed as opposed to dry which is raw unprocessed audio right? There is copious reverb, chorus and especially phasing on every song until they all sound like waves crashing against a rock.

Perhaps the weirdest thing about The Mollusk is that it is, I think at least, the only Ween album to contain a straight cover. Cold Blows The Wind is just a folk song that Gener and Deaner just play dead straight. That is very unusual for a band that prefers to vaguely mock artists or styles rather than just do them. Of course that track is immediately followed by a song called Pink Eye On My Leg so don't take these guys seriously for too long.

Atom And His Package - A Society Of People Named Elihu

There is no other album that feels more like an inside joke among high schoolers that you aren't privy to the context for. Adam Goren repeatedly name drops his friends and talks about things very specific to his life. The album is a mess of unfettered id where no concept is dwelt on for very long and no hesitation is given before launching into something completely unrelated. The very first track contemplates a hypothetical Punk Rock Academy before losing track of itself and barreling full throttle into an interpolation of Eddie Money's Take Me Home Tonight. This kind of thing happens a lot. Me And My Black Metal friends interpolated Dexys Midnight Runners' hit Come On Eileen for no apparent reason other than that is what started going through Goren's head at the time. This album has three different birthday songs on it, the first of which has the refrain "Happy Birthday Ralph, I love you, even though you are fucking disgusting." Who is Ralph? You aren't asking the right questions.

Oh yeah and this album is entirely just a guy singing over a drum machine and keyboard. But it's also kind of a punk rock album. Atom And His Package don't sound super punk at first glance, but he has the ethos. And structurally, well there's a little more punk rock in here than you might expect. I'll stand by A Society Of People Named Elihu as a punk rock album because it's funny and I think that is what Adam Goren would want.

TV On The Radio - Return To Cookie Mountain

There's a lot of art rock out there that I'm totally in love with. But TV On The Radio are on a different level. They are extremely catchy, but also different than anything else around them. They exist somewhere in between 00s post punk revival and, uh honestly I don't know. I thought something would come to me as I was typing this. There is nothing to compare the unique use of drums and percussion to create both rhythmic and textural elements while the bass guitar makes up the majority of the melody. The members of the band all harmonize beautifully on vocals and when you break the songs down you find just a few instruments being layered into a looping, spiraling current of sound. A Method and Dirtywhirl especially sound like they are physically spiralling. They use looped percussion and bass, repetitive singsong vocals, and thrumming rhythms to create a completely unique sonic landscape that is both overwhelming and extremely addictive. It is too easy for me to finish this album and then put it back on again because there is nothing else that scratches the itch this album gives me.

Between The Buried And Me - Colors

I don't usually like to be this absolute, but Colors is my favorite metal album. Between The Buried And Me are consistently amazing but Colors is the best showcase of their range and fluidity with which they traverse various styles. At a base level Colors is a progressive metalcore album, a genre which has probably just turned a few people off of listening. But if you aren't usually into metalcore don't fear there is a lot more going on here than bad screaming and bad chugging. No BTBAM weave together intense thrash like riffing, high speed guitar solos, intense screaming, melodic jazzy solos, chromatic breakdowns, catchy clean vocal segments and frequent tempo changes with an artistry and ease that makes it hard to notice when the style does an abrupt change. Every linking segment is so natural that the tech death screams in Sun Of Nothing will transition to the melodic refrain without any sense of tonal dissonance. Even when you hit the end of Ants Of The Sky and hear them go into a full bluegrass hoedown it is just completely natural. No other album makes 10+ minute songs go by so fast. There are so many hour long metal albums out there that drag on for the sake of length alone and Colors just shits in their faces and proves that you can go on for an hour and keep an audience completely engaged the whole time.

They Might Be Giants - Lincoln

They Might Be Giants are a never ending supply of witty turns of phrase. Some are seemingly nonsequiturs like "tour the world in a heavy metal band / but they run out of gas the plane can never land" others are clever "which one of us is the one we can't trust / you say that I think it's you but I don't agree with that" and others seem like nonsense but probably mean something deeper if you just stop and think about it "how sleepless is the egg knowing that which throws the stone foresees the bone, the bone, our only home is bone". They will get at some wild themes lyrically while still maintaining an upbeat sound. That weird tonal gap is what makes songs like I've Got A Match and They'll Need A Crane into more than just songs about bad relationships. It helps obfuscate the actually bleakness of Lie Still Little Bottle, a song about being addicted to uppers. And it leaves you wondering about the seemingly pure goofy songs like Shoehorn With Teeth and Cowtown. Also you might be interested to know that Where Your Eyes Don't Go is a favorite song of local Tumblr Celebrity™ Neil Gaiman. So there's your seal of approval if you needed one.

Macintosh Plus - Floral Shoppe

Vaporwave is such a beautiful genre. It is a musical consomme where other songs are melted down until there is nothing left but the essence of the original piece. A distinctly recognizable flavor, but rendered into broth. The idea of taking a song and picking out very specific bits and then slowing them down repeating them over and over until you have turned the ten second sample into a five minute song is incredible.

Floral Shoppe is not the first, and maybe not even the best vaporwave record, but it is the blueprint that a lot of artists would seek to imitate. The track リサフランク420 / 現代のコンピュー (Lisa Frank 420 / modern computing) made some waves for having a very overt and recognizable sample and leading to people joking that the genre was just "Diana Ross slowed down". And derogatory as that sounds it is also true. The song is seven minutes of just the chorus of Diana Ross' It's Your Move looped, slowed down, and otherwise abused until it just isn't the same song anymore. What Floral Shoppe did was bring the idea of the transformative property of context to a wider audience. The question of authorship is essential to vaporwave. Most vaporwave artists will use one off monikers for albums. In fact Macintosh Plus is a one off project under the larger Vektroid umbrella. Vektroid herself is one of the most prolific and significant vaporwave artists out there and honestly I don't even think Floral Shoppe is her best work, but it is the most important.

But is it good? That's the real question. The philosophical implications of art are nice and all but is it good to listen to? Yeah it's extremely enjoyable. Listening to Floral Shoppe is like living in a slightly fucked up betamac tape that is playing commercials for new shopping malls. It captures a sense of nostalgia, but also warps it into a surreal dreamscape. Parts stutter, they loop just before the part of the song you know plays, they are repeated over and over until you feel like something is wrong. The nostalgia is recontextualized as something artificial. Like it is reminding you that the way you feel about the past is manufactured. Your memories are already corrupted by capitalism and if you could see through the matrix you would hear the broken mechanisms underneath.

The Field - From Here We Go Sublime

The Field is hard to pin down. While basically a tech-house project it is also quite a bit unlike other tech-house/minimal/ambient techno projects. I was enthralled the first time I ever put on this record. There's something ethereal about the heavily altered vocal samples. Every sound rendered distant and breathy. This is the sound of the sun glaring off of fresh snow in the winter. This is the sound that plays when you transcend your human body to become a being of pure energy. If the obelisk from 2001 A Space Odyssey was a DJ this is what it would play. It is impossible to not feel subsumed by this music, to want to just close your eyes and imagine you are floating. From Here We Go Sublime is one of the prettiest albums I have ever heard and I think even people who aren't into techno might be able to appreciate it.

The Streets - A Grand Don't Come For Free

Look me in the eye. I'm serious look at me. Mike Skinner is a good rapper. No I'm not joking. No I don't like this album "ironically". A Grand Don't Come For Free is one of my top ten hip hop albums of all time. Right up there with Nas and J-Dilla and Kanye and shit. Skinner's flow is unconventional and, at first glance, very bad. But what he is doing is incorporating a very casual conversational style into his rapping to help communicate the personalities and moods of the characters in the story.

Oh yeah by the way this is a concept album. It's about Mike, his two friends Dan and Scott, and his new girlfriend Simone. Mike loses 1000 pounds, gets really paranoid that one of his friends stole it, and then let's that paranoia ruin all of his interpersonal relationships. The album starts by setting up the list money and various aspects of Mike's life like his new romance and gambling addiction to set up the very everyman vibes. As Mike rambles through awkward small talk, bad decisions, bad relationships, and the slow burn out of his empathy he becomes actually really relatable. Every time Mike does something that is frustrating and stupid it just kinda endears him to me. I want to see this idiot do better. Even on Get Out Of My House where he is trying to explain to Simone that he wasn't at her place while she was hungover because he was picking up his epilepsy medication and is, by any reasonable account in the right, he sucks so hard at making his point that he still comes off as the asshole. This is punctuated by guest rapper C-Mone actually rapping much better than Mike on her verses. In fact how well a character is rapping is very much tied to how confident they are at the moment with Mike being more noticeably on beat on Not Addicted and Such A Twat and sounding really off on Get Out Of My House and It Was Supposed To Be So Easy.

The beats are not just straightforward things for Skinner to rap weird style over though. The beats often contain weird syncopation and odd rhythms that make it feel like rather than not being able to stay on beat the vocals and the beat are just circling around each other. Always in sync but never knowing each other's exact location. The way these two elements come together creates the backbone for A Grand Don't Come For Free's atmosphere of disorientation and lack of control. Mike's story is ultimately about him trying to latch onto any part of his life that he thinks he can control and constantly having those things slip away from him. He finds the £1000 in the back of his broken TV by the way.

The Mountain Goats - Beat The Champ

I got into The Mountain Goats way back when Moral Orel was airing it's infamous third season back in 08. I listened to John Darnielle's entire discography even the very rough first couple of tapes. And after all that I was pretty sure that this was my new favorite band and that no album anyone released were ever gonna top All Hail West Texas, Tallahassee, or The Sunset Tree. Fast forward seven years and I see he's working on a new album. It's gonna be about wrestling. I figure it will be pretty good, because Mountain Goats albums basically bottom out at pretty good. So the album releases, I listen to it, and instantly I know that I have forever been changed. I don't know how many times one man can keep doing this to me, but by God was I changed. I'm kinda into wrestling now as a direct result of this album.

The beauty of Darnielle's writing is that he can tease the meaning out of literally anything. Mountain Goats song don't have grand concepts. Beat The Champ's songs can be summed up easily. "Retired wrestler drives to the next show" "a biography of a wrestler that Darnielle liked as a kid" "a biography of a different wrestler that Darnielle liked as a kid" "a guy who takes his gimmick too seriously". But this isn't what the songs are about. They are about feeling tired of routine and being resigned to the fact that this will be the rest of your life. They are about how the world looks through the eyes of a child. They are about finding fulfillment in life even once you have passed your prime. They are about shutting out your emotions until you become a toxic person. These songs aren't about wrestling, but also they are. Beat The Champ made me think about how difficult pro wrestling is. You need a hyperapecific skill set that includes acting, athletics, acrobatic, and improv. And then if you are the absolute best at all those things hing and end up being the best wrestler ever? Well no one really respects pro wrestling so you get fuck all for it. The strange place these people occupy and the emotions that come with it are the perfect vessel for analyzing human experience at large. Wrestling, John Darnielle posits, is a microcosm for all life. We all play parts, we do heel turns now and then, we all fear being unmasked. Wrestlers deal with literal manifestations of human fear and Beat The Champ taps into that to create an album that both comments on human anxieties in a very real way and to humanize the people behind the kayfabe.

#lemon demon #ween #atom and his package #tv on the radio #between the buried and me #they might be giants #macintosh plus #vektroid #the field #the streets #the mountain goats #500 album gaiden

[dyslexicandakeyboard]

Sorry - to correct. The place where Talia Al Ghul threatens to kill Huntress Helena Bertinelli out of jealousy that she might be Batman’s new “concubine” in the 90s Batman Legacy Event is in the issue Robin (1993) #33 and this was way way before Morrison and definitely way before 9/11. She was just not purely good person and was prone to these antics in her own ways (upset over Bruce not answering that they belonged together over Selina and threatening to rip their heart out if they got together at the end of Tec #526, for example) and I think it was really the Demon Trilogy (which O’ Neil who created her himself didn’t like and editorial wanted taken out because they didn’t approve and saw it as an out of wedlock romance), B:TAS nostalgia, and that era’s editorial (run by O’ Neil again) keeping Batman from his other significant romances that helped her a bit. Even when you go read the write ins for her classic stories she was never as popular as say, Selina (and you can tell from the Lazarus Affair Arc)

Yep, a lot of it is rose-colored glasses and nostalgia that has lead to this laughable brain-rot.

Many Talia Stans seem to think that Talia is Bruce's endgame (Which is not only stupid but a disservice to both their characters) and try to harken back to the good ol' days (Which weren't all that good) where Talia was this "heroic anti-heroine", which isn't really true, perfect for Bruce to prove their point. The Demon Trilogy, despite being non-canonical since it's conception, is taken as gospel in their circle and spurs them on. They also like to yap about how Talia is based off a Bond Girl, which in their eyes makes her Bruce's wife despite Bruce being a separate character from James Bond and that the character they say she's based off of dies.

Plus, most of their complaining that Morrison wrote a racist and sexist version of Talia usually fall short with this information (i.e all of the arcs she's been in where she's done bad and questionable things). This isn't to say that DC hasn't been racist or sexist (Batman Legends of the Dark Night first few issues, Holy Terror or any of their earlier works are examples) or that all Talia's depictions have always been free of any bigotry. But most of them use these accusations to stop any conversation that invalidates their version of Talia. Also, I've spoken about racism and sexism within fandoms (DC, Voltron, The Bear) in irl plus I'm literally mixed, so I'm not trying to invalidate anyone.

It's also weird how this attitude has flowed into the wider fandom and causes people to have this strange vision of Talia because if we look at this relationship without these blinders (nostalgia) still portraying Brutalia as a romantic relationship is just down right creepy and borderline abusive. Like in many of their interactions post O'Neil (And even under his editorial), Talia is honestly a down-right over-possessive, manipulative person with abusive tendencies and Bruce enables her. It's stifling because you can't treat it as anything other than romantic and healthy.

Plus, Talia's fans end up being more sexist as they take away Talia's agency when confronted with her bad actions and treat her like a child.

The panels mentioned.

Plus more panels of Talia being unlikable/abusive

#ask #answer #anti talia al ghul

[vynegar]

chapter nine analysis/discussion

I found an interesting discussion/analysis post on chapter 9, so I figured I’d post about it in the same vein as my previous post about a fan theory. This will be more paraphrasing and summarizing rather than a full translation. First is the bilibili post, then below that will be my own thoughts on it and the chapter.

my usual disclaimers; I’m not fluent, there will be mistakes and especially with this type of post I won’t be agonizing over precise word choice, just the overall argument. check my masterlist for more translation and analysis.

[Tears of Themis | Main Story Chapter 9 “Grey Frontier” Plot Discussion and Analysis by 日和风物诗. Originally posted to bilibili on July 5, 2022.]

Chapter 9 feels like the calm before the storm. Even though MC doesn't have all the information and the writers haven't given us an omniscient POV, we still learned a lot. This chapter is probably a transition chapter, but still plays an important role that is worth analyzing.

1. Why the atmosphere among the NXX members has changed

This chapter feels strange right from the start when Luke and Marius are outside Tyson Turner's hospital room. Although everyone argued with other before, it's unusual for them to be so direct and to bring up "rich people" so often. Them deliberately talking like this feels deeply disconcerting.

And then there's Artem, whose attitude as changed the most. He was indifferent at NXX HQ when telling Luke he was busy, then at the police station he was aggressive and overbearing and even suddenly became Harper's attorney. He's like a completely different person from when he warmly encouraged MC over the phone, confusing both the audience and MC.

Now let's sort out some relevant details. First is the night before Artem's attitude changed, when he hesitated over the phone, paused, then said "I believe you can handle all of this well." This sentence seems normal, but MC (who has a sharp intuition) feels the deeper meaning behind it. Clearly he was referring to something more dangerous than just the online harassment.

The next day in the HQ, Artem deliberately picked the farthest chair, rejected MC's offer to help, avoided her gaze, and was extremely distant when leaving, as if afraid that MC would persist in trying to work with him and get involved in something dangerous.

As for Artem becoming Harper's defense attorney, his confrontation with Luke and MC at the police station actually reminded me of "Day and Night" when Artem pretended to be part of the enemy to obtain key information – similar aggression, similar scene opening – so this time he's probably doing something similar. That is, he is "acting", and under some scrutiny, we can see some clues toward that.

For example, he shook his head at MC to stop her when she was about to hold Luke back from questioning Harper, and he didn't do anything when Harper looked to him for help. On the surface, Artem is protecting his client's rights, but in reality, he's helping Luke obtain key info from Harper, the source of the drugs.

This feels familiar. Think back to the "standoff" between Marius and Luke in the hospital. On the surface Luke is mocking Marius, but in reality he's reminding Marius about his button and returns it to him.

Everyone in NXX is in a different position with their own things to protect, so it's natural for the occasional conflict to occur like between Marius and Artem over Neil Hume's disappearance. However, this apparent hostility and indifference really seems disconcerting and deliberate, and the timing of everyone's estrangement clearly isn't mature. Thus, Vyn and Marius are absent from routine meetings for the first time, and the sudden confrontation between members seems even more abnormal. However, looking at the notes on the case files [in the NXX HQ in the game], we can find that everyone is still getting along like before.

So with that, it's not hard to conclude that everyone is acting. Now the question is, who is the act for?

The biggest suspect is NSB.

At HQ, Artem told us that part of access to the Big Data Lab was transferred to the NSB's special investigation group. They locked all the cases related to NXX and even had Luke investigate any abnormalities in Pax. One important thing is that Luke wasn't even previously informed about the NSB investigation team, which he thinks is because he had gotten "too close" to NXX members. NSB might think that Luke isn't on the same side as them anymore and is wary of him, and this could just be the reason that everyone is acting. Luke is also meant to investigate Pax, so he shouldn't be too close to the object of his investigation in order to remain impartial. And if Artem is truly trying to infiltrate the enemy, then it's even more necessary for him to distance himself from us, both NXX and NSB.

Second is the mastermind represented by Jerome Adams and Wilson Sorge. NXX has already been exposed to them, and feigning internal conflict may confuse their focus. At the same time, because NXX is unsure of how much they know about NXX's members, they can use smokescreens to avoid any unnecessary involvements. But Jerome said that he works at Gladiolus Valley Research Center, which is run by the city government. Unless he and Wilson are working behind the back of the research center, the conspiracy may have to do with the city government. This leads to an even scarier idea.

What if the NSB, Jerome, and Wilson are all connected? What if there's a mole in the NSB?

Then that incident Luke was involved in where a group of people died from contaminated drugs could also have something to do with this.

2. The Identity of Oedipus

My initial guess was Jerome Adams. First, he has the pharmaceutical resources, and second, he is often in that hospital, so it would be easy for him to give Harper the drugs and note. Finally, he also has the motive: if the drugs he gave Luke were really the antidote, then his purpose could be using Luke as a "test subject" to study the effects of the drug. And when Luke met with Aaron, his feeling that there was someone watching him could be from being watched. Or they could be wanting to control Luke and use him for their purposes. Either possibility is frightening.

3. The Problem of MC's Participation

I saw many people saying that they didn't feel a sense of participation in chapter 9, that MC was in the dark the whole time, far away from the truth and core of the case, like she was being "protected" by everyone. Although this is true to some extent, this "outsider" perspective is uncomfortable.

But think back to how we joined NXX in the first place. The three existing members of NXX all had different viewpoints on Neil Hume's disappearance, so they had to bring in someone else in order to be impartial.

So from the start, we've always been in this position – we can't become overly involved in any one side, just like how Themis must independently and impartially make judgments.

Our personal background is also less complicated than the other members. We have fewer restrictions so we can deal with the matters as they are, without getting too caught up in external forces. As the saying goes, sometimes you're too close to something to be able to see it clearly, and as an observer who hasn't fully become involved, we'll be able to clearly see the things they can't and more objectively analyze each side's interests.

In short, just like Artem told us that night before the meeting: "I believe you can handle all of this well." They trust you enough to let you play such a crucial role.

[end of post]

--

This is pretty long as I comment on the points that are discussed, but also just talk about things that I thought of during the chapter. Tl;dr I agree that it’s probably an act, and the likeliest reason is some combination of Jerome’s side and NSB. But lots of other details and tangents are discussed.

1. Why the atmosphere among the NXX members has changed

I agree that the antagonism between the members is probably just an act. Despite their disagreements and small quips at each other, they calm down and cooperate peacefully when it comes to the important things. Therefore, when we see them being so openly aggressive while protecting each other almost secretively (Marius’s button and Luke questioning Harper), it’s a signal that something is going on.

The post makes an apt connection to “Day and Night” SSR when Artem works for a suspect in order to lure them out and advance the investigation. In one scene he also acts cold, arrogant, and aggressive in order when up against MC, in order to seem fully on the enemy’s side. The events in this card can pretty much be read in the exact same way.

(I also initially thought that this might not even be him trying to proactively obtain more information on the enemy, but just maintain what control that NXX has already. With the NSB locking out their access to other NXX-related cases and poised to take over investigation, Artem may be involving himself just to make sure they still have eyes on this case. That way he’ll be present for any leads that may appear, and he can ensure nothing suspicious happens like destruction/suppression of clues or evidence. Possibly he discovered Harper’s possible connection to NXX drugs through his own independent investigation and began to act.)

In addition to “Day and Night” being a prior example of acting aggressive, Chapter 9 itself also has an examples. Luke’s behavior at the juvenile correctional facility shows us that unusual aggression from one of the characters can be because they have a hidden purpose that is rooted in trying to help the other.

It is interesting that while Artem appeared indifferent to MC in public, Marius was able to switch back into his usual playful self towards her at the NSB questioning. However, Marius is still just representing Pax’s interests and his connection to MC is probably publicly documented from his trial, whereas Artem is supposed to be representing Harper now.

This connects with a very astute point made in the post, that NXX does not know how much their enemy knows. MC is clearly aware of this too when speaking with Jerome in the hospital. Since she’s not sure if Jerome saw what happened, and the NXX members’ identities are quite sensitive, she decides to hide the others’ involvement and say that she and Vyn evacuated on a boat, since Jerome had already seen Vyn during the normal course of the cruise.

It may explain why some relationships can seem quite normal (if they’ve already been exposed), while others may have to keep up the hostile act. For example, anyone who knows about Luke’s personal life would know that he’s close with MC, and Jerome already saw Vyn and MC together so she can mention him when talking about that night. However, whoever’s watching NXX might not know how close Artem and MC are beyond work partners, or may not know the relationship between the NXX men. For possible unknown relationships, NXX may be keeping their distance as much as possible.

One thing this chapter has showed, though, is that Jerome already seems to know quite a bit about Marius and how he operates, to the point that he knows how to manipulate Marius into paying someone’s medical fees. It’s definitely possible that Jerome’s side is keeping a close eye on Maruis and that Marius and Vincent’s communications are somehow compromised, since paying those medical fees was something Marius had Vincent handle privately.

Marius being watched also explained some parts that made me question the “acting” theory. His sarcasm when saying that he and NSB are on “the same side” seems to show genuine displeasure, but could be explained by frustration at NSB taking over the investigation and not really toward Luke. What stood out more was when Marius said that the “kind soul” (Luke) only gave back the button because it could no longer be used against him, making it sound like Luke was keeping leverage against Marius. However, it could also be read as them keeping so much distance that this was the first opportunity Luke had to return the button, and Marius just put his own spin on the situation to suit the “act.” In that case, it seems like Marius still maintains the act even alone with Vincent, as if he suspects that they are under surveillance. (Vincent as a mole is a possibility that has often crossed my mind, since he has access to so much information, but I just don’t think he is.)

Finally, checking the case files is a very clever idea. They seem mostly normal, except Vyn has one sharp comment on Gerard Boone’s file (“Think less and do more.”), though honestly I’m not sure who or what exactly he’s referring to. It could just also be Vyn being Vyn (see Rio’s personnel file, “…you didn’t just give me an order, right? at Artem). On Harper’s case though, Vyn is also surprised that Artem took her case.

I joked that Vyn actually comes out of this chapter looking pretty normal. Mainly because he appeared only in one short scene, where he was also in a private setting and mostly spoke with MC, and partially because he’s normally Like That (affectionate). His surprised comment about Artem really shows how independently the NXX members are currently operating though, and it almost feels like Vyn is less involved in the hostile performance than the others. This makes sense, seeing as any interests that Vyn might be representing (like Svart) haven’t come into play (…yet?) and as Adjudicator of NXX, impartiality would also be important for him.

As for NSB or Jerome being the ones watching their “act”, I don’t have much to add. NSB has been pressuring Pax, wary of Luke, and taking over the investigation; it’s not a stretch to imagine them taking that suspicion one step further. Jerome already seems to be watching them to some extent, as discussed earlier about Marius. I think any connection between the two is still firmly in speculation territory, and it may just be that Jerome’s role in the research center allows him access to the resources he needs. However, I do like how OP looked into the BDL entry for extra clues, like in the case files too. It reminds me of how Svart is noted to have a well-developed pharmaceutical industry in its BDL entry, relevant in that first fan theory I posted about.

Just one possibility for whoever might be watching them: Irene Burke revealed in the Inspection Chapter (8.5) that Tyson Turner gave her photos of Vyn and instructed her to get rid of him as the last member of the original NXX investigation team. Although Turner is dead now, this is still a line of thinking that we can consider, as NXX has clearly been surveilled before.

2. Identity of Oedipus

I think Jerome (or someone related to his side) is our best guess for this so far. I’ll go on a little tangent in this section since we’ve actually seen another Oedipus before in the story, in Luke’s personal story. In Greek mythology, Oedipus solved the Sphinx’s riddle, making the Sphinx kill herself. The Oedipus in Luke’s personal story also went up against Sphynx, though there, the Sphynx was victorious. However, it seems like these two Oedipuses are probably completely different people in completely separate storylines, seeing as their purposes don’t seem to have anything in common.

This chapter is our clearest confirmation that the personal storylines are completely separate from the main storylines, which is painfully demonstrated by MC not knowing about Aaron or Luke’s illness. It’s necessary considering the romance in the personal stories, but I had privately considered the non-romantic events of the blossom chapters as canon. Seeing almost two years of character development being undone in the main story, especially with Luke still trying to push away MC, is… so sad. I can’t help but wonder how the other LIs are doing – is imperfection still unacceptable to Vyn, is Marius still considering letting go of his identity as Z, has Artem learned how to balance his work with pursuing his own emotions?

3. The Problem of MC's Participation

Honestly, I dislike it when all the LIs are trying to shelter MC to keep her “safe,” but this post made me think of it in a different way. Yes, she’s excluded from some key aspects of the investigation and also kept in the dark. However, because she is genuinely not involved in the tricky balance of representing different interests, she’ll be the last one remaining if NSB (or some other entity) do start trying to impede the members from investigating due to the interests they each represent. If NXX specifically agreed to keep MC safe in this way, then they’re protecting her because they trust her to save the investigation if they’re ever besieged from all sides. Time will tell if this is the direction the writers intended, but this is a somber enough explanation for Artem’s phone call encouragement, and I would really love to see this kind of development.

#tears of themis #marius von hagen #artem wing #luke pearce #vyn richter #tears of themis analysis #tot translation #thoughts of themis

[stranger-rants]

Runaway Max Annotations

This is part of a series I am doing on Runaway Max by Brenna Yovanoff. To see previous posts including the annotation guide, check the [#rm annotations] tag on my blog. These posts will follow the general formula of summary, annotations, quotes, and any thoughts or analysis I want to provide based on my own interpretation of the text. You can use my posts as references in fandom discussions.

Runaway Max Chapter Three

Max recounts the time she began to see Neil's true colors as she prepares for Halloween in Hawkins.

Annotations:

2) Family Context

Every Wednesday, Susan would make rigatoni and meat balls. Then, Max and Susan would sit on the couch together and watch Family Feud. Neil breaks up this routine and after three weeks of marriage, he makes the family go out to dinner.

4) Evidence of Abuse / Neglect

Neil is abusive towards Max when he perceives Max giving her mother attitude their first dinner out after Susan and Neil have been married three weeks. He says, "You answer your mother," "I'm warning you," "If you don't get that mouth under control, you're going to be one sorry little girl," "You need to learn a thing or two about how to talk to your father," and when Max mutters that he's not her father, Neil sends her out to the car before she can finish her dinner. In Hawkins, he says that Max is getting too old for Halloween and that Susan shouldn't encourage her to dress up.

Max & Billy Relationship

After Neil sends Max out to the car, Billy checks on her. He says, "you really did it this time, declaring war on Neil." Max tries to explain that she doesn't want to consider Neil, "her father" and Billy tells her not to worry about it. He says, "It's not like he's my dad either." Max is confused, but Billy clarifies this by saying Neil is a horrible guy and he's not like a real father should be. In Hawkins, Billy also judges her for dressing up for Halloween. However, he reasons that she can do what she wants but people will think she's "a baby" for still dressing up.

7) Valuable Insights

Max loves Halloween, but more importantly she loves monsters. She loves Michael Myers because he was a "real" kind of monster.

8) Billy's Characterization

Billy is seemingly bored or checked out during their first dinner together. Max says he spent the entire time "leaning back in his chair and staring at the ceiling." Billy does go to check on Max after Neil punished her, and he does validate Max's feelings about Neil. He says Max's name in a "sing song" voice whenever he's annoyed with her, and in this chapter it was in the context of waiting for her to get ready for school so they could leave.

Quotes(s):

"He's a horrible guy, Max. Haven't you figured that out? You really think a guy like that could be a father? Not to me, and not to you."

This chapter shows us when Max really began to realize that Neil was a bad person, and in a way she has to be told this by Billy. She hates Neil, but she doesn't fully understand yet what he's capable of doing.

Billy's behavior is somewhat... protective. In the capacity that he can be. Max thinks that Billy is about to hug her when he reassures her that she doesn't need to think of Neil as her father. However, Billy doesn't hug her. His expression is flat. His eyes look heavy to her, before he explains that Neil is a horrible person. I don't think Billy can show that kind of comfort or affection to Max even if he wanted to because of the abuse we know he experienced, but he is trying to warn Max about what to expect. That shows a level of empathy and kindness that I think many people argue he doesn't have.

Even when it came to dressing up for Halloween, his reasoning for it was almost protective. Neil says she's too old for it, but he's been trying to control what Max says and does for months. Billy tells her to "go ahead" with it, but to not be surprised if she's basically bullied for it. In a twisted way, he's looking out for her. Again, I don't think he's got the capacity to give comfort or affection to Max with the way he's just been surviving under Neil. In a better time and place, it does give us a glimpse as to what their relationship could look like.

Neil is Billy's own father, so it catches Max by surprise when Billy insists that Neil isn't his father. This isn't meant to be taken literally. It means that Billy doesn't think Neil fits the profile of a father, and he fully recognizes that Neil is a horrible person. This is both very interesting and concerning to me. It's interesting to me because often abuse survivors have a hard time recognizing their abusers as abusers while they're surviving, especially if their abusers are their parents. That's why it's also very concerning to me, because if Billy can recognize that Neil is so horrible he can't possibly ever be considered a father... then what has Billy really experienced up until this point? The implications aren't good - almost like what happens to Billy after meeting Max is tame in comparison to the past.

#runaway max #rm annotations #billy & max #long post cw

[aydaptic]

Sorry if you've already answered this before but I'm new to the fandom and I found your account through your web-comic and I was wondering what is it about Gavin that you like so much? Why is he one of your favourite characters in dbh? (I've noticed that he isn't much of a fan-favourite in this fandom 😔)

This'll be a long post, but you asked (...and I'll happily answer!) I'll add some descriptions for context. At the top of my head, I can think of 21 reasons why I like his canon equivalent.

1. He's charismatic

Gav gives off an energy that makes it easy to hang onto his every word. I can quote all his lines by heart and I like listening to Neil Newbon (in this specific role) talk. I remember some of Kamski's lines as well -- also mo-capped/voice acted by Newbon -- but Kamski doesn't have nearly as much charisma as Gav does.

2. He's expressive

Ppl who 'talk with their hands' are more charismatic. Gav is all over the place in the break room if you stick around. Hand gestures capture people's attention as they emphasize what is being said.

3. He doesn't think androids are alive (...so in his eyes, the way he treats them isn't wrong)

"Could always try roughin' it up a little. After all... it's not human." - Gavin Reed, The Interrogation

That means he wouldn't rough up a human suspect. This alone justifies his unpleasant attitude towards androids. Hank -- who treated Connor way worse than Gav ever did -- changed his mind. Nothing says Gav can't do the same.

If Alexa suddenly said she was alive, the vast majority wouldn't take it seriously (if any at all.)

4. He's sarcastic

"Congratulations on last night, very impressive." - Gavin Reed, Waiting For Hank...

5. He has dark humor

6. He looks down on people that pay for s*x

Quote above. You don't call someone a "pervert" if you agree with their actions. The Eden Club, in particular, is immoral AF... bc those androids don't have a choice. Gav doesn't care about them being androids, but he still looks down on the guy who paid money to get laid, and I applaud Gav for that. Especially when said guy also had a wife and kids.

7. He has valid concerns about androids taking jobs

Anyone who says differently is either in denial, uninformed, or never had a job they were scared to get fired from. There's already been an uproar about ChatGPT and that's nothing compared to how advanced Detroit: Become Human androids are. The unemployment rate in this game is 37% -- higher than it was during the Great Depression and C*VID -- and androids are the main cause.

I've seen a lot of ppl ask this question:

Q: Why not just buy an android and have them do your job for you, then? You get the money anyway bc it's your android!

A: Bc, believe it or not, the vast majority of men want to work. This is a strange concept to grasp for a lot of ppl. I admire Gav for being one of those men who wants to do it themselves. Letting someone else do your job is taking the easy way out.

8. He's a hard worker

Gallery: "...Ruthlessly ambitious, Reed will do anything to advance his career, even if it means treading on other peoples’ toes."

9. He's ambitious

See the quote above.

10. He doesn't sleep well

This isn't just a headcanon. He has literal bags under his eyes. Just knowing he doesn't sleep well already has me asking, "why?" It's interesting.

11. He puts his feet on the table

After Connor interacts with him in the break room, Gav will go to his desk and do this. I'll go into detail about why this contributes to my liking his character in the very last point.

12. He calls Hank out on his alcoholism

As much as most of us love Hank, he's not in a good space mentally. Showing up drunk/hungover to work should not be tolerated. It not only puts coworkers, but also civilians, at risk. Hank should be in therapy instead of working at the DPD until he gets his life sorted out.

13. He calls Fowler out for giving Hank special treatment

"You won't get away with it this time." - Gavin Reed, The Interrogation (after Hank pulls a literal gun on a human coworker AKA Gav)

So Gav has brought it up to Fowler before and is about to do it again. Ties into the point above. What Hank does -- like assaulting a literal FBI agent -- shouldn't be tolerated.

14. He's a control freak

I gravitate towards ppl and characters who take charge. Those who like being in control and know what they're doing. I'm a control freak myself, but I'd prefer to let someone else take the reins as long as I agree with their methods. I like it when ppl know what they want and act on it. Gav does both.

15. He's protective of his coworkers

I was unsure whether or not to add this as I guess it can be seen as a subjective theory and not an objective fact.

Gav only ever steps in with the gun in The Interrogation when Con uses aggressive force on Chris Miller by tearing him away from the deviant. Con did this after disobeying Gav 3 times. So yeah. Gav is justified for stepping in. Hank, on the other hand, isn't justified for pulling a gun on a human coworker. I see this scene as Gav protecting Chris from Con who is showing signs of deviancy.

16. He can't wink

Endearing.

17. He pouts a lot

Again, endearing.

18. He swears like a sneezing kitten

Same as the two points above.

19. He doesn't like Connor

I don't like Con, either. Yeah. We exist. Personality types like Con's "let's be friends" attitude and constant positivity pisses me off. Before anyone comments that the player decides Con's personality... no. Only to an extent. There are several instances where the player has no say whatsoever. Some of Con's pre-determined responses annoy me.

20. He has great fashion

Big fan of leather jackets.

21. I like him bc I'm a narcissist at times

He's essentially the male equivalent of me to the T. I'm only an asshole internally, though. We love (or hate) characters we relate to. I relate to every single point except 17 and 18 on this list.

There you go :)

His OOC fanon equivalent has a huge fanbase -- especially on Twitter/X and Tumblr turning him into a blushing teenage girl -- but it seems like I'm the only person who can't stand that OOC portrayal of him. That said, I adore his canon equivalent in all his asshole glory.

#dbh #gavin reed #detroit: become human #dbh gavin #long post #Q&A #anonymous #*aydaptic

[passivenovember]

Hey! Just wanted to drop by and say your writing is absolutely stunning. You have this innate ability to drag the reader into your writing.

I just finished skinshed and my god the opening chapter was a masterpiece (as was the rest of it). The way you described Billy’s fear of his father, those constant check ins ‘his daddy starts breathing again’ were spine chilling - that slow build tension was incredible.

I was wondering what your view is of Billy and his attitude towards himself - do you think it’s all self-loathing, do you think because he is so overly sexualised he believes that that is all he’s good for, do you think the abuse has hardened him or really he’s soft but trying to protect himself etc etc - I’d love to hear your thoughts (also if you have any fics that you delve into this specifically in please tell me I will consume immediately - though I do plan to read everything anyway 😅)

((FIRST OF ALL I'M CRYING. I'm at work, getting sniffly at my desk over this because you are so unbelievably kind to say this. Thank you. You didn't have to go out of your way to make me smile this hard, but you did. And now I feel like I could punch through a wall or maybe save a school bus full of children if they were careening off a mountainside, or something. Not that I would ever hope for that, but you get my drift.))

This is such a good question!

I'm going to start with "Yes, AND," because in my writing, I love to explore all of these avenues. Billy is all of these things and more, and everything you mentioned is accurate to what we're shown on screen. It's accurate to real life, too. Anyone who's been through abuse like that knows that your anger, sadness, self-loathing, and hope have layers and shades and different textures to them. Nothing is stagnant, when you're an abuse survivor, and things can change by the second depending on what you're experiencing. Sometimes anger looks like sadness and vice versa. Sometimes the texture of those emotions is sharp enough to cut your hands open, and I think that's what we see happening with Billy.

Everything he touches is covered in his blood, it's staggering to see.

He doesn't know how to handle his sadness, so he hammers it into the shape of rage, and he's afraid of himself.

I mean, in season three when Vecna (a creature who is known to show people what they're most afraid of) approaches Billy to be his foot soldier, the thing that Billy sees is himself.

Billy is afraid of his anger.

He's afraid of his sadness. He's a child who is carrying the weight of the world and he's being crushed under the pressure.

From what you mention above, though, I think Billy is soft at his root.

He shows several times (mostly in season three) that he's got a good heart under all the shit he's done to hide it. He's a crier. He paints a layer of vibrato over himself to mask how easily he bruises, but if you throw kindness on him, the armor washes away. It erodes. And as we see in the Battle of Starcourt, he will sacrifice himself so that others can live.

On the flip side, for me, is that the thing about Billy is he's in survival mode. When El travels into his mind in season three, we're introduced to his past. We see that he's spent years taking the brunt of horrific abuse and until the day he died, Billy was constantly being scraped against the pumice of his father's anger. Everything about his experience with Neil tore little holes into him that never fully heal, when he's alive, so he bleeds easily. He folds with almost no pressure.

At his root, I think Billy is afraid of being seen.

I think he's afraid of what he'll do if someone looks at him and sees past the layers he's built to protect himself.

And that leads to him hiding behind the sex-pot persona, and perpetuating his father's actions with Max, and I think it kills him. I think Billy hates himself, but he doesn't know how to stop. He doesn't know any other way, and he never got the chance to learn.

That's what makes him so tragic.

--

As for works where I explore Billy as a character, Ive got a few that come to mind.

Self Loathing: If Snow Loves the Trees and Fields

Anger: I Know Why The Bird Takes Flight

Sex'd up (but still angry lol): punisher

My writing has changed a ton over the years, but if you read the older stuff, I hope you enjoy it, anyway!

--

Thanks again for reaching out. This made me want to write so much fanfiction lol

#harringrove #billy hargrove #THIS IS SUCH A GOOD QUESTION OMG #jaz speaks

[charcubed]

the problem with that man is that he's obsessed with two things: not explaining and not spoiling. so he just answers everything with the most surface level shit cause he has this "think for yourself" attitude. which i would love. if the internet wasn't filled with people averse to thinking and who love not connecting the dots on purpose. like yeah i know that ox are the first earthly pleasure which were followed by others. 95% of the internet doesn't. ON PURPOSE.

[ben-affleck-smoking.jpeg]

Honestly anon, I tip my hat to you because this helps me a little bit. Just a little bit, to fathom what the fuck he's on about and what his potential reasoning is for it. I mean, I'm still frustrated beyond belief by his whole shtick and think it's unnecessary/irresponsible, but I do appreciate you giving me a somewhat plausible explanation so I can have a posited reason for his behavior to wrap my head around.

The thing is, like... People are stupid.

And/or: people are, historically, so determined to project what they want onto a piece of media (while being hellbent on arguing their right to do so while arguing their "interpretations" should remain unencumbered and unexamined) that they're not interested in seeing what it's theoretically or probably actually doing.

So there are 2 ways this shit is gonna go at this point in my opinion (and it's only been a month since season 2 came out so this shit can probably get even more stark before season 3! Yippee!):

Aziraphale and Crowley DON'T fuck on screen. Neil Gaiman is in fact addicted to the praise of very online ace people and so he has internalized that he can't "ruin their rep." Oh, you say you saw subtext in HIS season 2? Surely not. There was/is no erotic or sexual subtext in Ba Sing Se. To be clear, this would be the cowardly homophobic option whether people think it is or not, in part because of the thematic relevance and subtext now attached to them as of season 2 that begs follow-through (which exists despite his pedantic carefully-worded tumblr posts right now), and in part because if we had to see Newt and Anathema fuck then there is no legitimate reason that Aziraphale and Crowley should not get to do the same in light of the subtext. Period. And media doesn't exist in a vacuum. Sorry not sorry.

Aziraphale and Crowley DO fuck on screen. All of the ace people who have read into Neil's several pedantic and carefully-worded posts and engagement for years then become loudly devastated and angry that "their rep" has been destroyed with "no warning." A new term of "acebaiting" probably enters the cultural lexicon. Extremely online carnage occurs, etc. And frankly? At this point I'd (already) be inclined to say Neil would not be entirely blameless for it because of the way he's now acting while needlessly engaging directly with some of the discourse. The majority of the onus would be on the people who assume that he is confirming or defending the unequivocal canonical validity of their ace readings, because he's technically done nothing of the sort. But while he looooves to post and engage in the manners of those technicalities, at this point he can't be oblivious to how legions of inane people end up being like "soooo true Mr. Gaiman, romance doesn't have to be sexual <3" and he just lets them think that constitutes a promise that these characters will never be openly sexual. So if they think that for years, and then the characters fuck (as they should)? Madness will descend, and part of it – not all of it by far, but part of it – will be on him. Because there's no point or purpose in him acting like this other than he gets a kick out of it. He is now openly playing stupid games post-season 2 and will win stupid prizes.

Secret third thing is that Aziraphale and Crowley ambiguously fuck – Schrödinger's fade-to-black potential sex that we just don't see, if you will – in an effort to satisfy all parties, but that is filed under a variation of version 1 in my opinion. It'll still be lowkey homophobic and purity-culture-coded at the end of the day if there's room for ambiguity and people can erase the fact that they fucked if they prefer to do so.

Anyway. The thing is that if he wants people to think for themselves and connect the dots on their own, then pretending as if the dots don't even exist by ignoring them through omission and acting deliberately obtuse with surface level responses does not inspire people to look for or continue to argue for those dots and their depth. But it sure as HELL inspires stupid people to make leaps of logic and say things like "ummm Neil Gaiman already said nothing is sexual about the ox scene soooo if you're arguing otherwise you're being aphobic." Which is exhausting and infuriating and, again, stupid lol.

And that's certainly not entirely Neil's fault! He's NOT responsible for people being stupid. But he is responsible for making things deliberately confusing because he feels clever and maybe wants to challenge everyone else to be clever without openly saying that in so many words – if that is indeed what he's doing.

And if he's not gonna explain anything sufficiently then he shouldn't be engaging with shit like this at all because people then take his deliberate selective lack of explanation as tacit evidence that there must be nothing to explain.

At the end of the day, I'm personally not interested in dissecting the tea leaves of his posts to guess at the fullness of what he truly thinks. I see the subtext and themes in his work, and either he placed them there and sees them too or he didn't/doesn't. If he sees them but doesn't want to talk about them on main for whatever reason then I have no qualms about saying that that's weird behavior. And I also have no qualms about saying that – based on season 2 – Aziraphale and Crowley should fuck in season 3. Ultimately, while his pedantic posts and the resulting discourse raise my blood pressure, I don't need his permission to know the truth of that.

#anonymous #asks #good omens #I know people say 'I want to study him' a lot on this website about people but literally I want to study this man. what's wrong with him. #also tumblr keeps fucking with some of my italics in this so sorry if it looks weird??? I keep trying to fix it #char writes things

[hargrove-mayfields]

Sometimes it’s hard for Billy to look in the mirror.

Most of the time it’s for obvious reasons, cuts and bruises that he doesn’t really want to acknowledge littering his face. Nobody likes to see themselves torn up like that, to look weak. Especially not in his case, where under the welted skin and deep bruises and blood, he looks just like the man who put them there. He can’t escape it, the fact he’s a Hargrove, his fathers son.

He thinks about that reflection when he snaps at Max, when he feels just a little too bitter in a day and takes it out on somebody else, messes everything up again. He knows he’s just like his old man. Throw in an earring and grow out his hair, and he looks enough like his own person, but the attitude, the permanent scowl. It gets to him sometimes.

These days, looks are just about the only goddamn way he ever wants to be compared to Neil again. That’s a new mission of his since coming to Hawkins. He’d failed at it for the first few months, but now that he’s older and he’s got adult responsibilities to worry about too, he just wants a chance to get better. He swore he would.

Fact of the matter is, he still can’t make eye contact with his own inherited deep blues when he’s looking in the mirror, battling the humidity to get that one curl in the front to lay just right, or being careful to apply only a perfectly subtle amount of charcoal liner that Neil won’t notice.

There’s another reason for that - one that’s a lot less superficial too- and it has to do with his momma, the other half of him.

The time passing means it’s been more than a decade now since the last time he’d talked to her, even longer since he’d actually seen her. The kind of wound that doesn’t show on the skin, in the reflection, but that never heals.

Billy’s momma was the kind of lady who was never very particular about her appearance. Between raising a kid practically on her own and taking care of her husband like a second child, she didn’t think it was in the top list of her priorities. A list handwritten by her husband and left by her pillow every night.

Still she had an old vanity, a real beauty in it of itself, hand built and painted a pretty white color. Around the top it was ornate, flower trimmings and fancy inlays, decorated with pearls and flowers and things.

Back when Neil still pretended to like her, he’d fixed it up real nice as a gift to his pretty little girlfriend. He’d buy Billy’s momma all kinds of things to fill it up with too, perfume bottles and new flashy jewelry and decent quality makeup. She never asked him where he got the money for any of that. He wouldn’t have answered anyways. That particular illusion was never going to last.

And that was still before Billy came along.

By the time he was in the picture, momma never sat at her vanity anymore. She couldn’t sit and try to get the curlers she’d put in the night before to lay down just right around her face, or put on just a little bit of makeup, the way Neil approved of it but that still made her feel pretty. Worth something. Not with all these new responsibilities looming.

They were the same in that way. Billy and his momma. Except they were opposites. When she was getting dolled up, it was usually for Neil. To avoid a beating. When Billy did it, it was to piss his dad off. Get a reaction. Stand up for himself for once.

That’s not why he remembers it though, his momma's habits.

Billy remembers that vanity well. Even better, he remembers the way the big mirror bowed in a perfect arch right before it shattered on the pavement because Neil threw it to the curb. The smell of old wood and dusty paint and leftover Estée Lauder burning into ash in the backyard. He remembers the destruction of his memories better than he does the actual event.

Being, the time he spent with his momma in her lap, staring with wonderfilled eyes back at their double reflections.

He always thought he looked like his momma. He had wanted to anyway. People would tell him how much he looked like his dad, that he’d grow up to be such a handsome and strong boy. His response had initially been that he’d rather be pretty like his momma, but a backhand across the face quickly reoriented that answer to a painful acknowledgment and an eye roll behind their backs.

His momma told him he was pretty regardless. What did anybody else know?

Back then, Billy had always thought his mother was the smartest person in the world, and hell, leaving her sorry excuse of a husband behind might’ve proved that to be true, if he was on the outside looking in. If he wasn’t a part of that forgotten memory.

Doesn’t change much though. He’s way past blaming her for it. A decade is too long to be mad at someone. Or maybe he’s just gone soft.

That's what she would’ve wanted.

She’d done her best to instill kindness in him. Between strokes of a hair brush through stubborn tangles and a gentle dusting of a dry makeup brush over his freckled button nose, momma would whisper all kinds of affirmations to him. Promises that he’d grow up to be someone who made a difference. How much she loved him. To use those moments to do some damn good in the world.

For a while it seemed like she’d been preparing him for the day she’d up and leave him. Like if she promised enough times that she was raising him right and caring for him that he wouldn’t be hurt when she took off. It might not’ve worked, but here he is still thinking about it, so, he sure as all hell didn’t forget her kindness.

It’s more like he just forgot what to do with it, and all he retained was a complex in the place of a life lesson.

Sort of.

Part of it too was that he had a more important lesson to learn from his time with momma, and that was how to keep Neil off his case. ‘Cause that’s what she was doing; As long as she was sitting at that vanity doing something, Neil couldn't hit her.

It was a nice piece of furniture, he wasn’t going to risk breaking it when he could just as easily bash her head off of the living room coffee table that only cost them nine bucks at a yard sale. That and the fact that any time she was doing something to improve upon her appearance, he couldn’t find something to complain about. Being a good, subservient wife that cleaned herself up for him wasn’t something he could justify beating her over.

And that was exploitable.

Still is to this day. Billy won’t get hurt if he busies himself with something important. Not that standing at his makeshift vanity counts -That makes him a self-absorbed faggot, as a matter of fact- but he’ll do other things. Like making Susan some bitter tea or cleaning the whole house or doing his homework. Stupid shit he’d probably do anyways, but that he makes a special point of doing when Neil’s watching. Just in case.

His dad might pace around behind him when he’s being productive, might threaten what he’ll do through gritted teeth and hit Billy a little harder the next day, but he will back down, given the right excuses. That’s probably the only damn reason why Billy survived the night that Max ran away.

Probably the reason he’s so unhappy all the time too. He hates being vane, he hates the consequences of it mostly, but he has to do it. It’s all he has, because has to flaunt something for the people in this town. If it wasn’t for the act he puts on, he’d have been dead a long time ago.

It makes him feel fake. Nothing belongs to him. Everything’s a trick he learned from momma or a way of self defense. A mask covering up whatever reflection is truly his. He has a few things; his hair, his car, his friends. But no matter what there’s still always the slightest influence of somebody else.

He doesn’t grow his hair past his shoulders, because then he’s too much like momma. He bought a Camaro instead of a firebird like he wanted, because a firebird is a girl's car. He chooses people his dad would approve of, turned away all the friends he had that fell out of favor, and did his damndest to force his step sister to do the same.

It’s shitty and he hates living that way. He thinks it might be easier to be himself. But being himself is so dangerous, he’s not sure he wants that either. He’s torn in two pieces, the real Billy, and the reflection of himself he shows to other people.

Enter Steve Harrington. The first person Billy meets that holds him to being real.

Steve is the first to not buy his act, not from that first curious glance across the parking lot. Coming from the same status, someone that used to be in his place until he fell from grace, he always knew there was more to Billy Hargrove.

Billy feels like he has to play it up harder instead of showing Steve that truth. He doesn’t owe anything to that entitled brat anyways. It’s not out of jealousy, that Steve gets to be pretty and soft. It’s survival.

So he pushes him a little harder the next time they have gym together. Mocks him in the showers, only to run out of the locker rooms with his still hair dripping down his shirt so he doesn’t have to catch a glimpse of himself in the mirrors above the sinks.

But Steve doesn’t let him quit. Because he is a brat, and he doesn’t like being told no. Or being knocked in the face when Billy is done with his shit. His lies. For someone who hides behind a fake version of himself, honesty is important to him, more than getting Max and getting the hell back home. He thought that would be the end of Harrington minding his business, once he lost that fight. Beatings always worked to keep him hateful.

Steve saw something that night he wasn’t supposed to though.

He saw the tears in Billy’s eyes and the bruises on his skin that he hadn’t put there. Steve had only cracked him on his nose, the bruises on the back of his neck and the side of his face belonged to somebody else. He seemed to have Billy well figured out, despite his efforts to push him away.

Harrington is relentless, and honestly, after Steve follows him around at school, sitting next to him in every class, rivaling him in basketball every time, and parks in his parking spot for weeks, Billy is charmed. To see the same intensity he put into the world turned around on him, with a different purpose, trying to get close instead of further apart, it’s so familiar. It’s the same routine he’s been forcing his whole life.

So he gave in. Spent a good thirty minutes at his almost vanity undoing curlers he hid under a hoodie the night before, fluffing up his hair and preening like any of the other desperate bitches that got a chance with Steve fucking Harrington. Putting on lipgloss, clipping in a diamond earring, bouncing into his tightest jeans, hyping himself up. It’s all routine.

Except covering the bruises with makeup and doing his hair through tears doesn’t make that night go away on its own. The guilt and the ugliness that look back at him don’t fade like the redness in his eyes.

Until.

“You look good.”

Steve said it like it was nothing. Like Billy hadn’t gone through a crisis about the way he looked before driving out to meet him here. On the edge of the quarry, too high up from the water to see their own inky black reflections.

Luckily, it’s also too dark for Steve to notice that Billy is blushing as red as he was before he caked his face. “Shut up. I always look good.”

Steve has the audacity to laugh at him. The sound bubbling up and echoing off the rock walls. They’re walled in. But they’re free.

A breeze blows past and knocks Billy’s pristine hair back in his face. There’s a compact in his shirt pocket, and were he on a date with a girl, he would’ve taken it out and fixed himself back up. Ignored the preening chick at his side to do it right back, scare them off with his bullshit personality.

But he isn’t. He’s sitting on his hands next to Steve Harrington, who says, all soft like he means it, “No, I mean.. It’s different. Pretty.”

That’s all Billy’s ever wanted to hear.

Not like Neil. Not like momma. Not like a bruised up kid.

Pretty.

“You think I’m pretty?”

“Yeah. I like the makeup. It’s nice.”

“Don’t know what you’re fucking talking about, Harrington.” His default is to be defensive. He can’t help it. Nobody’s supposed to know.

But Steve, Steve just gets everything right.

With a slight shrug of his shoulders, he declares, “It’s not a big deal.”

Billy can’t stop smiling, sparkling lips drawn back into the expression of the only genuine happiness he’s felt in years. Maybe when he’s around Steve, it doesn’t have to be a big deal. Maybe this, the tender compliments, the comfort in another, the expression..

This is the real Billy.

#harringrove #billy x steve #billy hargrove #slight gnc billy #neil hargrove #billy hargrove’s mother #my writing #ej writer #this was a request! #an anon asked for soft traumatized billy #so I wrote this! #but I accidentally deleted my drafts and lost the request #so if you’re that anon #here it is!!

[jeanvaljeancheri]

Hi! Could you recommend any good fics you've read recently?

Of course! I would put a few more but I'm planning on including them in my next post, hope there's still something you'll like here :)

Complete fics

Winter never lasts forever

The cold is the first thing that Nathaniel notices when he wakes up. Everything is numb with it. How he ended up here or who he is, how old - none of this feels as certain as the cold filling his chest and bringing the wind down with the snow. Winter never lasts forever, but for Nathaniel it might as well.

i remember fields of flowers

Andrew has always had an overactive imagination and tendency to tell the truth. The problem is, most people tend to focus on the former, rather than the latter. When a certain runaway happens upon the small, California town of Foxvale, everyone assumes that this “Neil” is Andrew’s imaginary friend.

Bedroom Voices

Neil can’t sleep. Andrew has a podcast that deals with bedroom issues of a different kind. And Kevin thinks Neil should meet his new friend, the guy who makes their sushi at the Kroger.

Talk Shit, Get Hit. Talk Gender, Get Splendor~!

Aaron shows up to practice with his eyes blackened, his nose swollen, his chin bruised, icing a muscle in his shoulder. Andrew promises to find whoever did this and rain vengeance upon them and their family.

Neil is a math major with a limp and an attitude problem. Revenge might just be the last thing on Andrew's mind........

Only Human

Neil Josten needs a little help taking care of himself sometimes. Andrew is there to help.

Ongoing fics

a heart that's full up like landfill

Neil Josten isn’t living, but he is surviving. When he enrols himself into Millport high school, he sets 3 rules for himself:

1. He’s ready to run at any moment

2. He’ll keep his head down

3. He can’t, under any circumstances, get attached to anyone

...

Too bad he fails, quite spectacularly, at all 3

Minyard-Josten Rivalry

My take on the Minyard-Josten Rivalry/Pro Andreil! A long collection of sequential scenes throughout Andrew and Neil's lives, post books. Including, but not limited to, my interpretation of the Minyard-Josten Rivalry, the old Foxes playing with kittens for a YouTube video, so much soft and sweet Andreil you will get cavities, and headcanons I have been thinking about all year.

#andreil #angst with fluff #ao3 #fanfic #fanfiction #fic rec #the foxes #aftg fic #all for the game #fic recs #aftg fic rec #andreil fic rec #ongoing #minyard josten rivalry #long reads #Demisexual neil #asexual character #high school au #aftg andreil #andreil fanfic #angst #andrew x neil #andrew minyard #neil josten #protective neil josten #exy

[biillys]

oh ohhhhhhh ohhh wait. wait a fucking minute. listen. listen!!!!

flayed!billy and neil having an run-in a few days before The End. flayed!billy not scaring as easily, actually not scaring at all, compared to actual real!billy. turning right back on neil. except the mindflayer has a soft spot for his host becos the mindflayers fucked like that, so instead of just killing neil, the mindflayer decides to play with it's food for a bit.

real!billy doing his Thing and managing to get that one tear out. becos his dad may be a piece of shit but surely, surely, out of everyone, he would be able to figure out something's wrong. that billy's not billy. the desperation and the hope that maybe this is it, maybe this is only option, maybe making him just that little bit stronger. maybe him getting a 'dad, help, please' with a few more tears out before the mindflayer takes over again. but neil's a fucking coward at most and a piss poor excuse of a father at best, so he takes one look at billy crying, begging, and shakes off any doubt's and worry's, and treats him like he always does when billy turns to water under his weight.

he makes his voice harder, his grip tighter. his words crystal fucking clear.

and then flayed!billy is shoving him off, stronger than neil's ever felt him, and he's laughing, but not in a way neil's ever heard him laugh. and then he's turning to walk right out the door, camaro keys in hand, even though neil just grounded him for the entire fourth of july weekend, except he turns around just before he makes it outside, face completely blank and familiar, but neil's never seen this person before in his life, and says 'when billy and i have finished what we started, i'll come back for you.' and then he's gone.

and neil picks himself up from where he was crumpled against the kitchen counter, shakes himself off, and denies everything that just happened in the past 15 minutes. grips the bench to stop his hands from shaking, and promises himself that next time he sees billy, then he'll really let him have it. that just because billy thinks he's old enough to throw his own weight around, doesn't mean he's gonna get away with it under this roof.

except billy never comes home, and then it's the fourth of july, and neil and susan are trying to enjoy a nice dinner at home, a dinner that both their children were meant to be home for but aren't, but at least him and susan are having a lovely night. they enjoy it right up until the phone rings late that night, and then they're speeding to starcourt mall, and there's smoke and flashing lights and fucking military everywhere, and max is distraught, hugging susan like she's the only family she has left, and no one will tell him anything about billy except for a brief 'billy didn't make it, we're sorry for your loss.'

they won't let him identify the body. won't even release the body to be buried. won't tell him why all those people were in the mall after opening hours, what max and her friends were doing there. what started the fire. why there was fucking military clearing the scene. won't even give him a cause of death.

and every single time he closes his eyes, he hears 'when billy and i have finished what we started, i'll come back for you.'

he starts hearing it when his eyes are open, too, when he's trying to put together the funeral. when he tries to go back to normal life, back to his job, where his boss pulls him aside and gives him time off until his current family situation can stop effecting his work, back home, where there's no longer loud music shaking the doors, no car flooring it up the street, no fourth place set at the table for dinner, no shitty attitude and lousy excuses and brave backtalk.

everything's suddenly so fucking quiet.

so he fixes it. overcorrects. takes his sleepless nights and his workless days out on susan, is loud and brash and a constant immovable object. makes sure it's never quiet again. susan kicks him to the curb within a month, threatening police involvement if he doesn't leave quickly and quietly.

so, he leaves.

(then, susan and max leave for the trailer park, becos neil Left. and that's all susan will say on the matter. and then the upside down comes back with a new big bad, and max is right back in the thick of things in a way she never was before, but then suddenly billy's back. billy's alive, and he's back, and he's pulling himself with his bare fucking hands out of the upside fucking down before reaching around and helping her pull herself out and he's covered in blood and black goo and scars and injuries for days and, honestly, she probably doesn't look much better, but he's coughing and bleeding yet his heart's still fucking beating. and they somehow fucking found and saved each other.

and max is sitting by his bedside in hospital after every single surgery, and she keeps him company and puts headphones over his ears to listen to music and picks out the comic books that she knows he likes to read and she does her best to just never mention anything home related.

billy makes it a week after being back from the dead before he asks about neil.

'he left,' she says, because that's all that matters.

and billy fucking remembers. he remembers how hard he fought, how it took everything within him to overpower the mindflayer, even for those brief few seconds. how the only thing on his mind was this is it. this is my only chance. this is all i've got. and he remembers neil's eyes, wide, scared, fearful, but the second billy broke through, the moment billy shed a tear, fucking begged for help, his voice cracking over the word 'dad', neil went from speechless to loud. his eyes going from uncertain to cold. how the one time billy remembers asking his dad for help, probably the first time he's asked his dad for help since he was a kid, neil didn't even take even a moment to think about it. just took one look at him begging and crying, and steamrolled right over him, fucking sentenced him to death. all because he asked for fucking help.

billy closes his eyes and nods, doesn't think he could ever face neil again without falling apart for good.)

#idk what this is im very sorry!!!!! #anyway neil runs back to california before he even realises thats where he's heading #and ends up on billys mums doorstep #becos he always knew where she ran to when she left. he's not stupid. she never really fucking tried to hide. #and he tells her billys dead. because he may be battling his own parental demons and while she may have her own parental demons #they both loved billy in their own fucked up way. not a way he deserved but they're unreliable narrators at best #and he knows that hes the reason she left. and why she left billy too. #that of neil was a different kind of man; she would've tried to take billy too; but neil was the one with the job and the money #and she had none of that. she wouldntve stood a chance in court. #its fanfic and unrealistic so i can wholeheartedly say they end up back together becos unhealthy relationships + shitty coping mechanisms #obviously are the right choice to grieve your dead child. its the perfect midlife crisis. #anyway YEARS later when billys back in california and he someway somehow runs into them #and sees his dad who he still to this day blames for his death #and his mum who once told him that the reason his dad and her always fought was becos of him #together??? bro causes a fucking earthquake #im kidding hes just like. he was going so well and healing so good and max was so proud #and then he starts spiraling again. #okay enough from me again idk what this is im sorry #m #nqff

[maqicien]

But man, I can hate you sometimes

Hey, Riko,” Andrew taunts, “I told you not to touch my things.”

“I didn’t fucking touch Kevin,” Riko says, teeth red with blood.

“I’m not talking about Kevin,” Andrew says, and Riko’s brows furrow before his eyes go wide, understanding dawning.

“If it happens again, I will kill you. That is a promise.”

__

In which Neil is a Raven, Andrew is a Fox, but they still find each other.

ao3

The banquet is held, like it is every year, on the hosting teams Exy court. Banners hang from the walls like blood dripping, tables stacked together to form lines in a poor imitation of a high school lunchroom. All the teams in the district clump together in a mess of fake diplomacy and mediocre chitchat.

The Foxes arrive fashionably late, the crowd already dispersing to find their assigned tables. They file onto the court in an unorganized single file line: Dan, their fearless leader, at the front, Wymack at the rear.

Kevin is strategically placed in the middle, sandwiched between Andrew and Matt, two armoured walls boxing him in. The Foxes walk onto the court with the anticipation of war in their pockets; the Ravens are waiting for them, guns at the ready.

Dan hesitates at the crest of the crowd; Nicky narrowly avoids crashing into her with two hands on her shoulders. She curses quietly under her breath, then with newfound confidence holds her head up high and says, loud enough to be heard throughout the team, “Get ready kids, the party is about to start.”

The Foxes follow her into the deep end, endless loyalty and trust for the woman who refuses to lead them astray.

“Don’t murder anyone,” Wymack says, disappearing into the crowd to find the rest of the coaches, Abby at his heel.

The closer they get to their table the more obvious it is where the night is going. The distinct shades of black and red are blaring sirens as they approach. Andrew can feel Kevin begin to shake at his back, his anxiety a palpable thing even with the vodka rushing through his bloodstream.

The Ravens do not turn or stand at the Foxes’ approach. The blatant disrespect is expected but unwarranted. Dan takes her place in front of Riko and extends a hand, the resulting handshake is limp like a wet noodle. Andrew watches as Dan clenches her jaw, staunching the anger with pleasantries she must have learned from someone better than Wymack.

“You're the woman who captains a Class I team,” Riko says in greeting, the once over that follows is indicative of his lack of respect for her position. To Riko, they are meeting on uneven grounds, the Exy King and the shit under his shoe. Dan smiles through the contempt, shaking his hand with gusto, but when she takes it back, she wipes her palm against the edge of her dress. The motion is meant to be subtle but purposeful. Riko’s resulting sneer isn’t as elusive.

When Dan pulls her chair out to sit, the rest of the Foxes follow suit. Andrew takes the seat next to her, Kevin to his right. Riko is much too close for his liking, but Andrew knows he won’t try anything in such a public place – too many witnesses.

The empty seat by Riko’s left is blatant, and Kevin bristles with the jagged knife that has chopped up the effortless synchronicity that is so renowned among the Ravens.

The missing player is obvious, even to the less observant Foxes. The flare of red and a firecracker attitude is loud in its absence; Andrew feels it like a hole in his chest.

To Riko’s right, Jean Moreau opens his mouth for the first time, “Hello, Kevin.”

“Jean,” Kevin says quietly.

They stare at each other for a long moment, unblinking. Jean’s eyes are icebergs – cold and dead. His disdain for Kevin is written across his forehead in red ink, flashing like a neon sign.

Andrew gets bored quickly, leaning forward to break the eye contact between them. He meets Jean’s eyes with an empty look, eyes shining with nothing. Jean looks away quickly, annoyed, but his shoulders tense with unease.

“I see you’re a player short, Moriyama,” Andrew says, leaning back in his chair as his gaze zeros in on him. “Trouble in paradise?”

Riko’s face shifts like the rain, going rigid and then soft in an attempt to conceal his reaction. Unfortunately, Andrew is watching.

“Nathaniel is running late,” Riko says through clenched teeth.

“Oh? Have you slackened the leash?” Andrew taunts, taking a sip of his water as he watches the anger flicker across his face. The rest of the table is tense, waiting, watching for something to happen. Dan’s hands are clenched at her sides below the table, half in anticipation, half in fear.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Riko says, begrudgingly.

“Of course not,” Andrew says, humming. “I just wonder how much power you have, if you can’t even get your players to attend a mandatory banquet. How much loyalty do you really inspire, Moriyama?” Andrew’s voice is even, unbiased by emotion. Riko’s veins throb in his throat, anger clawing up his esophagus like acid.

“What would you know about loyalty, Minyard? You have to make deals with your own family to make them stay with you,” Riko seethes.

“And you beat your team into submission,” Andrew’s reply is quick, “Do you think that makes you wanted?”

Andrew can tell he wants to reach across the table and throttle him, rip his arms from their sockets and make him eat them. Andrew almost smiles at the thought.

“Alright, this conversation is over,” Dan cuts in, “Matt go get coach.”

Matt is on his feet and sprinting before the sentence has completed. The awkward silence that ensues is crisp, loud and reeling.

“I had rather hoped we could be civil with each other, for sake of the game. But clearly that isn’t possible. Stay away from mine, and we’ll stay away from yours.” With that, Dan stands, the Foxes slowly rising to follow her.

“Kevin is not yours,” Riko says, slouching in his seat, a king in his thrown, unbothered by the spectacle before him.

“You want to bet?” Andrew says, pressing his palms flat to the table so that he can lean forward into his face. “Kevin and I have a deal. That means Kevin’s mine.” A pause. “I don’t share, Moriyama.” With that he pushes Kevin forward, away from Riko and his spawn of death.

Wymack is there and waiting when they turn to leave, his arms crossed in a blatant show of disappointment. The Foxes feel a second of shame, like a father scolding his children, but triumph wins out.

“I thought I told you to play nice,” Coach says at their approach.

“No, you said don’t murder anyone. Which I didn’t,” Andrew points out, dragging a thumb across his bottom lip to fight the urge to smile – a habit learned and not forgotten.

“No, you just murdered his ego, Minyard, damn,” Matt says, a look of pride in his eye.

“Enough,” Wymack’s voice is gruff and stilling, “I’m going to go get your tables switched, don’t do anything dumb until I get back.” He points one single finger at Andrew before disappearing again.

Andrew can only disappear long enough to make a rushed phone call. He leaves Kevin under Wymack’s watchful eye and makes a beeline for the locker rooms.

He presses the speaker to his ear and listens to the call ring out. His heart thumps in time with each shrill ring, thumpthumpthump loud in his ears.

He knows Riko hasn’t done anything to Nathaniel, that much is obvious by his thrumming anger at the question of loyalty. But Andrew can’t help the sharp sting of panic in his chest when Neil’s voicemail clicks on:

“Hey, you’ve reached Nathaniel Wesninski, don’t leave a message and I won’t get back to you.”

He slams the phone shut with too much force, fighting the surging panic with quick breaths in and out. Through the fear, he almost misses the sound of a door opening, footsteps approaching. He spins just in time to catch a glimpse of red hair.

“Hey ‘Drew,” Neil whispers, close enough that Andrew can feel his breath on his cheek like the press of a palm.

“I fucking hate you,” Andrew says, surging forward with searching hands. He grabs two fistfuls of Neil’s hair and smashes their mouths together. Neil’s resounding gasp is worth the taste of blood on his tongue.

“God, I fucking missed you,” Neil says against his mouth, swiping his tongue across Andrew’s bottom lip. He presses their lips together, hard and sharp with emotion. The kissing stings with want and burns with the things they can’t say. Andrew can’t help his desperate grabs at skin, ripping tucked in shirts from pants and spreading his palms along the expanse of Neil’s chest, feeling him, wanting him.

He's touching just to touch, but he’s also touching to feel. It feels like a familiar winding road, like driving home at the end of the day, a path so intimately known in Andrew’s head that he knows every avenue, every boulevard, every nook and cranny.

When they finally pull away, Neil is debauched, shirt tucked under his armpits, hair askew. Andrew imprints the memory into his brain, knows he will relive this moment for the rest of his life.

Andrew finally looks up into Neil’s face and freezes, “What the fuck happened to your face,” he spits, hands coming up to cradle Neil’s face, like holding broken glass.

The right side of Neil’s face is red and blue and purple. The sharp edge of his cheekbone is cut from the force of the blow, crisp with the dry scab of blood. His right eye is bloodshot, the vessels burst and violent. He looks like a crime scene.

“A racket,” Neil says, holding Andrew’s wrists between nimble fingers.

“Who?” Andrew says through gritted teeth.

“Riko,” Neil replies, in that soft voice he only ever uses for Andrew.

“Why?” Andrew’s anger is written in every ridged edge of his body, every pulsing vein.

“I beat him.” Neil’s smile is loud, cracking along his face like ice.

“What?” Andrew asks, voice devoid of emotion, anger sizzling, a fire gone out.

“I beat him, Drew,” Neil says, tightening his hold. “I beat him in practise. He tried to take me out, right then and there, in front of everyone.”

“And you let him,” Andrew says simply.

“Yes. There is only one way to unravel an empire,” Neil explains, “Take it out from the inside and watch it crumble to the ground.”

“You’re going to get yourself killed.” Andrew’s hands harden on Neil’s face, thumb pressing softly into the tender skin of his bruise. He hisses with the ache.

“Maybe. Maybe not,” Neil says, leaning forward to press his forehead to Andrew’s. “This is my only way out, Drew.”

“I know,” Andrew whispers back, closing his eyes. “You’re not allowed to die on me, rabbit.”

“I know,” Neil says, a soft smile on his face.

When Andrew gets back on that court he is filled with a newfound energy and a need for vengeance. He feels the anger thrumming under his skin like electricity.

He scans the room for Riko Moriyama, his eyes skipping over the clumped Foxes and their coach, roaming over useless players and their unimportant counterparts. He finds Riko in the corner of the room, flanked by number 4, and the rest of his flock.

Andrew doesn’t hesitate, his eyes narrowing in as he sees red. He crosses the room in fast, even strides, doesn’t stop to inquire Renee as she moves to follow. Riko has his back turned when Andrew makes it to him, but he spins just in time to meet Andrew’s fist. It’s hard enough to crunch against bone, and Riko stumbles back with the force, tripping and crashing to the ground. None of the Ravens move to stop him when he crouches over Riko.

“Hey, Riko,” Andrew taunts, “I told you not to touch my things.”

“I didn’t fucking touch Kevin,” Riko says, teeth red with blood.

“I’m not talking about Kevin,” Andrew says, and Riko’s brows furrow before his eyes go wide, understanding dawning.

“If it happens again, I will kill you. That is a promise.” He stands, turning his back on Riko and the Ravens. The Foxes stand at his back, silent in their shock.

“Coach is gonna kill us,” Dan whispers, eyes still locked onto Riko’s crumpled form.

“What the hell is going on here!” Wymack grunts, shoving his way to the front of the crowd.

“He started it,” Andrew says, lifting his bruised hands in surrender.

“Shut it, Minyard. Get your shit we’re leaving,” Wymack says gesturing aggressively to get the Foxes moving. Coach Moriyama shows his face then, unimpressed in his lack of empathy.

“Do we have a problem here, Coach Wymack?” He asks.

“No, just a disagreement between our teams. I’ll keep mine from causing any more trouble if you can do the same.”

“Alright,” Tetsuji says, eyeing Wymack with evident disdain.

“I don’t get paid enough for this,” Wymack mutters under his breath, “Get your asses moving, I’ve had enough of this night.”

Andrew notes that the coach doesn’t scold him for causing trouble, doesn’t so much as bat an eye in his direction.

They make quick work of getting off that court and out the side doors, abandoning any thoughts of changing before getting on the bus. They pause at the exit as Kevin begins his downward spiral into panic. Andrew watches it happen in vague interest, his breathing begins to stutter, his arms coming up to cradle his head.

“God, why did you do that,” Kevin says through the panic, “he’s going to kill us.”

The rest of the Foxes create a half circle around him, a shield from possible passersby.

“Good to know you still don’t have a spine, Kevin,” a new voice says. Everyone’s head pops up then to stare, gaping. Nathaniel Wesninski stands against the concrete wall, cigarette between soft, red lips. Andrew can’t help but look.

“Neil?” Kevin startles. “What happened to your face?” His panic momentarily forgotten in the face of an old friend.

Neil doesn’t answer right away, taking a slow drag of his cigarette. Andrew watches the tendons in his throat tighten with the motion. He throws the cigarette away before turning his full attention on Kevin.

“Kevin, Kevin,” Neil says, grabbing Kevin’s attention with two fists. “Are you listening?” A nod. “Good. I’m only going to say this once, so pay attention.” He swipes a tongue along his bottom lip and moves closer.

The rest of the Foxes seem on edge, indecisive and wary of the newcomer. He’s evidently a Raven, if the pitch black of his suit and the number 3 on his cheek is anything to go by. But Kevin seems lackluster, soft with emotion and comfortable in his familiarity with this man.

This is when Wymack steps up, standing between Kevin and Neil, “Woah, let’s back up for a second and calm down.”

“It’s okay, Coach. This is Neil,” Kevin says, pressing a hand to Wymack’s arm.

“Neil?” Wymack asks, half turning back to Kevin, “the same Neil who broke you out of the nest?” The Foxes bristle with this new piece of information. Questions shouted at them in quick succession but going ignored.

“Yes,” Kevin replies.

“What happened to keeping that a secret, Kev?” Neil says, tilting his head to the side so he can look past Wymack to scowl at Kevin.

“I forced it out of him,” Wymack says, quick to his defense.

“That makes me feel better about sending him to you,” Neil says sarcastically, turning his back to the Foxes, his interest lost as quickly as it had come.

“What happened to your face?” Kevin asks again.

“What happened to you hand?” A taunt and an answer all in one.

“Why?” Kevin asks.

“For the same reasons, I presume,” Neil says, procuring another cigarette. Unconsciously, he hands the deck to Andrew who takes it without thought. Kevin frowns at this.

“You should have come with me.” His voice is sad when he says it, wrought with guilt and regret.

“Grow up, Kevin,” Neil says, switching to French as he flicks his lighter on and lights the cigarette. Andrew takes this too when it’s handed to him. “You and I are not the same. You need to unlearn your fears and stop being spineless. You are letting him win by cowering every time he calls.

“When he comes for you, you will stand your ground and tell him no. I did not risk my life to get you out, just for you to throw it all away. If you are not going to do it for yourself, do it for me and do it for Jean. The longer you shrink under his power the more he wins.”

“He’ll take it out on you,” Kevin says.

“I can take it. Stop letting him win.”

“He’ll break you.”

“He wishes he knew how.”

Andrew watches Neil speak, watches the subtle shift of his jaw as he talks, the flare of a nostril when he fights the anger boiling inside of him. He doesn’t know what they’re saying but Andrew trusts Neil will only spew necessary evil.

Wymack doesn’t look like he can afford Neil the same confidence, watching them talk like watching a ping pong match, his eyes darting back and forth, calculating.

Neil throws his cigarette, watching it roll and sputters out before turning to leave. He creeps ghosting fingers along Andrew’s arm as he passes, a hello and a goodbye all in one. It takes everything in him not to reach out and keep him there.

“I’d say it was nice meeting you, but then I would be lying,” Neil says, shooting a two-fingered salute as he passes.

“We can help you, if you need it, kid,” Wymack says, just as Neil is about to disappear behind the door. Neil pauses, hand poised on the door handle, stiff. He turns his head to look at Wymack. His face is impassive, but Andrew can see the gears turning in his brain.

Kindness has never come easily to Neil, it feels like a knife against his throat, the tickle of a blade in his gut.

“I appreciate the offer, Coach Wymack, but you can’t help me.”

“I can if you would let me,” Wymack says.

Neil’s resulting smile is sad, aging him. “I wish I could. You have no idea,” he says it to Wymack but he’s looking at Andrew. He feels the statement in his chest, like glass shattering, it spreads. He tingles with the ache of missing him, even as he stands right in front of him.

In a few seconds, Neil will walk through those doors and not look back. Andrew will have to get on that bus, leave him here to his torment, to a fate worse than death. And here Wymack is, offering him a way out, and he’s looking at Andrew like he wants to say yes.

It hurts to watch him go, but it hurts more to not know if he’ll come back.

Part 2

#andreil #andrew x neil #andrew minyard #neil josten #raven neil #established relationship #my writing #aftg #tfc #the foxes #the foxhole court #the ravens #andreil fic