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bonesthebeloved · 4 years

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You did to me what tsunamis do to homes- Sanders Sides

@lance-alt

Summary: Patton and Remus fuse for an experiment. Then they fuse again. Then they stay fused because Patton wants too. When the others finally find out how bad it is hurting Remus, the damage is already done and they have to deal with the aftermath. Wordcount: 3849 words Relationships: Platonic creativitwins, Romantic Intruloceit. TRIGGER/ SQUICK WARNING: !UNSYMPATHETIC PATTON!, mental abuse, neglection, manipulation, dismissal, swearing, disassociation, shouting, panic attack mention (brief), some plushy and clothes get ripped apart I guess, vomiting, (idk how to tag this but Patton flirts with Roman while he and Remus are fused so that), Crying, food mention. (If I forgot anything please let me know. this is a heavy one and I don’t wanna accidentally hurt people with it.)

Patton being unsympathetic/ abusive isn’t really explained but I don’t have the brain cells for that atm so let’s just say he thinks he can protect Thomas this way and is willing to do anything to ‘keep him safe’ however incorrect he may be.

After this post by @lance-alt (Hope you like it bud.)

They had found out that they could fuse because of creativity. Remus and Roman had finally reconnected enough for them to be friendly with each other again. Baking and making a mess of the kitchen while loudly singing Disney songs at 10 am, sitting on the couch together to watch crappy horror movies and laughing at how terrible the special effects were. Dancing in the living room to Panic! at the disco, with energy so high it could match Patton’s when he had too much sugar.

When Remus had grabbed his brother to spin in circles, the soul reason just being him simply wanting to do so now that he could, when something had happened.

Bright light and they both weren’t quite themselves anymore.

A stumble as they looked down. The floor much further away and their body not quite theirs.

It had been exciting, to be the King again. Remus had made them hug themselves and Roman had spun them around before both of them made them run towards Patton’s room.

When they unfused again there had been confusion. When they fused again Logan had conducted an experiment.

And now Remus was in the logical traits room. Fidgeting his thumbs while Patton picked some music. It wasn’t the duke’s preference. He liked something more upbeat. Something edgier. But Patton had picked the music and this was only for an experiment so he didn’t argue.

Besides. He did not want to get on Patton’s bad side.

The dancing was awkward and so was the fusion. It didn’t feel quite right. Unlike being Romulus where he and his brother just shared the mind and looked through the same eyes, they were in a room. Two chairs in front of a big screen and a control panel. It had been a little odd. But not bad perse so he’d let it slide. Maybe Patton just liked it like this. He didn’t mind. Simply wasn’t used to it yet.

Not that he had to get used to it. This was a one-time thing after all.

When they unfused Logan had been ecstatic. Already asking Patton so many questions about how it had felt and set up a meeting for them to fuse as well so he could witness it first hand.

Remus was dismissed with the wave of a hand. Leaving the room confused and not feeling quite right.

They had fused again after a few days. Patton coming to him with a smile and an offer to try it again because ‘it felt so funny! didn’t it? I think you’re my favourite person to fuse with Remus!’

And Remus couldn’t have known that Patton had only tried it with Logan. Remus couldn’t have known what ‘letting Patton steer the ship’ for a while could have let too.

They were fused the whole day. And inside the room, Remus had sat back. Patton needed time to learn how to properly control their body. And, as he already had experience with fusing with Roman, he let him figure it out, repressing the odd feeling that came with not being himself.

And when they unfused in the evening, Remus too tired to do anything else than simply plop on his bed and fall asleep, Patton said goodbye and that they should do that again sometimes.

A few weeks later and they were barely unfused.

They only separated when it was time to go to bed. Too tired to do anything else and slowly forgetting how to do anything else but sleep and wake up to Patton knocking at his door.

One of the two chairs in the room had disappeared. Remus never sitting on it.

Instead, he said in the corner of the room, trying to ignore the feeling of his limbs moving and touching things even if he sat still himself. Trying to ignore the feeling of their body eating and talking and communicating while he was silent.

At first, he had been trying to pitch into their decisions. But after Patton had made them rip apart the octopus plushy that Roman had gifted his brother on their birthday, threatening to destroy more of his precious belongings if he didn’t work with him, he had settled down.

Remus now barely moved when they were fused. Arms wrapped around his legs, staring blankly at the opposite wall, trying to tune out the sensations and sounds. Trying to not look at himself being so…not himself.

A few months had passed and Patton made their body lay down onto Remus’ bed every time they unfused because Remus couldn’t remember how to move his limbs without somebody else doing it for him

When Logan walked up to them after three months of nonstop fusion, Remus had lifted his head to look up at the screen for the first time in weeks.

“Hey, Pathos.” He disliked that name. But Patton had picked it for them and arguing had only led to Virgil’s old jacket, which he had used as a comforter for when everything got too much, being burned right in front of their eyes. Remus not even having a chair or the power to do anything but watch, tears streaming down his cheeks. Mouth sealed shut because he wasn’t the one that did the talking.

“I know it’s none of my business but I can’t help but ask, don’t you think it might be unhealthy to stay fused all the time? I know you’ve told me that you get things done easier like this, yin and yang and so on. But I also know that it is easy to lose your sense of self in things like this.”

“Oh Logan, thank you so much for worrying about us,” Patton spoke. Remus had lost the ability to flinch at that point. Simply keeping his head low, his body stiff, staring at the wall opposite of him. It had begun to change colour in the last few days.

“And it hasn’t been easy. Believe me, it hasn’t been. Remus and Patton are very different people after all.” Remus’ only response was the twitching of his pinky. On the inside, he was screaming, yelling, hoping that Patton had finally seen the error in his ways.

“Remus really wears on Patton sometimes. With all of his crazy ideas and violent tendencies.” Oh.

“But They’ve found their peace like this. Like me! I think they’re better off like this. And isn’t everything more peaceful now that Remus is under control? Don’t you think it’s better this way?”

Logan looked taken aback by the negative talk towards one of the components of the fusion. Though he didn’t comment on it. Simply nodding, shrugging it off and going about his day while Remus was left in the room with Patton. Trying not to listen to the moral sides thoughts in his head. Trying to get them away from his own. Trying to not think.

Patton just walked them to a mirror. Staring right at it before he spoke.

“You really thought he was going to help you? They know you’re wrong Remus. And if this is the only way for me to keep you away from them then I will carry that burden with pride.”

No. He hadn’t wanted to be free. He hadn’t. Because that would be bad and he wasn’t bad. He wasn’t- “You can’t lie to me, Remus. Or did you forget that I can hear your thoughts as well?”

Remus turned his head again. Retaking his staring contest with the wall opposite of him.

The wall was getting patchy. spots of green and blue interrupting the evenly coloured cyan wall like the wallpaper was coming off.

The fusion got more unstable. With Roman coming up to them to confess that he missed his brother and Virgil crying during a panic attack because he wanted Patton to comfort him but the idea of Remus being there too made his skin crawl.

Logan had begun to figure out what he thought was going on. Pathos seemed too put together. Too nice and cheerful and pg to have them both equal parts controlling him. He didn’t swear. Didn’t make a mess, didn’t do anything like Remus but rather was just a slightly more excentric and charismatic version of Patton.

And that night Remus hung above the toilet. Retching as wave after wave of sick clattered into the toilet bowl. The memory of Patton controlling their body to flirt with his brother making him physically ill. A new wave of bile rising up at the memory of how he had them smile of the thought of Pathos with his brother. Of how Patton’s thoughts about his brother had mixed with his own. Of how uncomfortable Roman had looked until nothing but stomach acid was left and his throat stung and the taste of sick had to be washed away with mouthwash.

The wallpaper was peeling more each day. The corner opposite him now almost fully green and blue.

Virgil had avoided touching them. Stopping his hushed conversations with Logan each time Pathos walked into the room. Eyeing them with suspicious than slowly grew into anger. And Remus felt one of the last strings that attached him to the others snap when they cut up his usual outfit that night. Patton’s anger and sadness at making his best friend this upset coursing through him. Feeling the self hate and hate for him rip at his chest as the sash was cut to pieces. The eye attached to the outfit ripped off and stomped on.

He wasn’t sure which were his own feelings anymore.

The wallpaper was halfway off now. Green and blue replacing Cyan walls. Remus focused on the green parts and silently wished for freedom. When Patton threatened to drown his pet rat he numbed the thoughts until only Patton’s own remained.

Deceit hadn’t spoken to them for an entire month. Though he and Logan were together a lot. Always talking or holding up papers. Always quieting down when they entered the room. When Pathos had confronted Deceit and had wanted to judge him for not communicating with them and say that he could at least be civil, Deceit had actually hissed at them.

“I’m not speaking to you until you give me my friend back Patton.”

Remus had cried that night. Patton having left him on the bed as always. Unmoving. Unresponsive to the almost freezing temperature in his room and the fact that he couldn’t use his blanket to get warm because it had been ripped to pieces. He laid there the entire night. Tears simply streaming down his face as he stared at the wall he was facing. The grey colour of it a nice change to the usual green and blue that had completely taken over the room.

Unmoving when Patton broke his mirror the next morning when they fused again and he had felt tired and cold.

Roman had begun to look at them strangely. His expression was so sad that Remus could feel the hurt from where he was sitting. His brother had stopped talking to them all together after the conversation they’d had. Remus had gotten enough of his willpower back from hearing his brother begging them to un-fuse, to please have his brother back, to finally take action.

They were having dinner when it happened.

Pathos had called all the sides to the dinner table. Wanting to spend some time with all of them because ‘we never talk any more kiddos!’

They were holding the pot of spaghetti, about to put it on the table when they froze.

Virgil cursed loudly when the hot spaghetti dropped onto his lap and arms. Though cursed even louder when he looked to the side and saw the pot lying on the ground and next to it, gripping their head and slowly being consumed by light, was Pathos.

“Stay together! I’m not letting you leave!” A voice, sounding more like Patton’s then the one they had gotten used to coming from the ball of light. All of the sides having jumped up, Logan and Deceit ushering the other two back. Holding their arms out protectively.

“It’s better like this! We’re better like th-” “No!”

And with Remus’ voice, hoarse and terrified sounding, echoing through the room, one silhouette split into two.

And there were Patton and Remus. Patton quickly jumping up from his place on the ground and staring down at Remus with fury in his eyes. His usual outfit on like always. Fists bawled, teeth gritted. Furious.

Patton was about to open his mouth to say something to Remus when he was stopped by a hand gripping his arm. He whipped around to see Logan shake his head. Holding back Deceit, Virgil and Roman with his other arm. The three of them looked ready to kill.

“Go,” Logan said simply. It wasn’t comforting. Wasn’t even a warning. No, with the cold tone and cold eyes and arm holding back the other three it sounded more like a threat than anything else.

Because Remus didn’t look well.

Remus lay curled up on the ground. Not having moved a muscle since they un-fused. Arms around his legs and head bowed down slightly. Eyes staring at something they couldn’t see. Wearing an old t-shirt and joggers instead of his usual outfit. Muscle mass almost completely was gone.

Roman’s vision what white with anger, breath uneven and harsh as he tried to calm himself. Deceit was visibly shaking and Virgil had run out of the room as soon as they knew for sure that Patton had locked himself in his own one. Logan was frozen in place for a good few seconds, snapping out of it as soon as Roman rushed passed him, dropping down to his knees next to his brother.

“Remus? Remus, it’s me! Can you hear me?”

The only response he got was a tear slipping from his brother’s eye. No movement. Rising and falling of his chest the only thing moving his body.

“What the fuck did he do to you…?” Came Deceit’s whisper, coming to sit next to Roman on the floor and lifting Remus’ head up slightly to lay it on his lap.

When Deceit began to carefully card his fingers through grimy hair Remus’ pinky twitched.

“He’s getting back his responses. Keep going.” That was Logan, kneeling down at Remus’ feet and putting a hand on the side’s ankle to show that he was here.

Another twitch.

When Roman carefully wrapped his arms around his brother and leaned his head onto his arm Remus did a full-body shiver and his gaze dropped.

Remus moved his hands. And after repeating the same gestures a few times Logan realised that he was using sign language. “He’s signing your name Roman.” And Roman burst into tears.

“Yes! Yes, Remus, I’m here! We’re all here okay? Logan, Dee, all three of us are here for you okay?”

‘Deceit?’ he signed

The ghost of moralities thoughts swirled in his head. Mixed together with his own so much so that he didn’t know which were his own anymore.

A part of him said Deceit was bad. Evil, wrong, bad, snake, liar.

Another part wanted to simply be held by his long term friend and short term crush. Wanted to be comforted like he would have been had none of this happened. Wouldn’t Deceit have seemed scared to touch him like he would break if he did something wrong.

‘Tired,’ is what he signed instead of the thousands of words he’d been wanting to say. And the three of them seemed to understand.

So Logan picked him up. And Remus tried to ignore the panic that shot through him at being touched so suddenly. Tried to ignore the feeling of wanting to be closer and of knowing that he also felt something for Logan because that would be too complicated.

And when they entered his room he tried to ignore his twisting stomach when all three of them gasped. Deceit insisting he tells them what had happened. Why it looked so empty.

‘He made us destroy it. Had to behave.’ He signed. Happier than anything that he had taken the time to learned to sign a few years ago.

“He…what?” “What is it? What did he say?” Roman pressed Logan, the logical side carefully laying Remus down in his bed, summoning a blanket that was clearly his own and putting it over the creative trait before answering the question. Looking at Deceit and Roman, a frown carved into his face.

“He said that Patton made them destroy his belongings so he would behave.” “He WHAT?!” Deceit roared. And the lump on the bed jumped at the loud noise.

“I’m going to tear that fucker apart!” “Deceit wait! That wouldn’t do him any good right now,” Logan tried to argue. Trying to calm down the fuming Deceit.

It seemed to help a bit. Dee sitting down on the bed next to Roman and holding his head in his hands while Logan summoned a comb and slowly began to work through the knots.

For now, they just had to make sure Remus was alright, Deceit decided. He’d get Patton back for this eventually.

The aftermath of the abuse (because Logan had said, that’s the only way to describe this,) was heavy.

Remus had to learn how to move on his own again. Seemingly having completely forgotten that he had to move his own limbs after such a long time of not being in control.

Logan had, after a long conversation with Remus where not a word was spoken, reported back to the other two to tell them that his muscle mass had declined so much because he had barely moved, if at all, in the last few months.

He had to learn how to walk again. They got him crutches once he could properly lean on his arms again and watched him hobble around the new common room.

Patton had moved his room to another part of the imagination. If he was too ashamed or too stubborn they didn’t know. They still made videos together. But Remus never showed up. Leaving Deceit to fill in his place. He and Patton were never in the same video and the conversations Patton had with the others were short and harsh.

Virgil was indecisive. He and Remus had never gotten along. But as soon as Logan had told him what had happened he felt sick every time he saw Patton.

So Virgil moved to the grey. The neutral part of the imagination where nobody ever went to and that nobody could find unless you weren’t looking for it. He came by on occasion. Talking with Logan or Roman, bickering with Deceit. But it wasn’t quite the same as it had once been.

Roman and Deceit both went and taught themselves sign language. Roman wanting to be able to communicate with his brother once they had realised that he seemed to have completely forgotten how to speak and Deceit wanting to be there in any way possible.

Remus was able to walk again after a month of practice. Wandering around the living room and swinging along gently when music played.

He worked out together with his brother. His strength returning slowly until he was able to enter the imagination again to go on a quest together with Roman.

He grew closer to Deceit as he had ever been. When they finally decided to put a label on things it had felt natural and nothing had changed.

Half a year later and Remus admitted to having fallen for Logan as well. Tears streaming down his face and fingers shaking as he signed the message.

And Deceit had hugged him and kissed his tears away. Telling him that it was alright and that they could figure this out. And after a month or two Deceit announced that he wouldn’t mind Logan joining their relationship. Roman just happy for his brother and his friends and baking them a cake for the occasion.

And not everything was alright.

Remus wore soft sweaters and leggings. Refusing to put on the outfit Roman had remade for him.

And they never baked and made a mess of the kitchen while loudly singing Disney songs at 10 am again because the ghost of the thoughts was still present and he refused to make any noise before he was certain everybody was awake. Never sat on the couch together to watch crappy horror movies and laughing at how terrible the special effects were because the voice of Patton was scowling at him that these people had put effort into this movie and ‘why would you mock something like this when everything you create is so much crueller?’ Never danced in the living room to Panic! at the disco, with energy so high it could match Patton’s when he had too much sugar because his mind told him that acting like that was foolish and a waste of his brothers time.

He didn’t speak his mind like he had done before. Only said what was necessary. No vulgar or odd thoughts. No weird or exciting ideas. Nothing because he had been convinced that it was wrong. That he, his whole nature, his whole being, was wrong.

Remus understood then that Patton didn’t fuse with him because he liked it or wanted to help him. Morality wanted nothing more than to break him.

But life went on and healing was a slow and painful process.

When, after nearly a year of silence, Remus spoke his first words, his boyfriends and his brother had hugged him close while crying happy tears.

And when, after nearly a year, his brother invited him for movie night again he had agreed.

And when, after nearly two years, he didn’t flinch anymore when somebody made a sudden gesture towards him nobody said anything but he knew they noticed.

And when, after nearly two years, the voice in his head that wasn’t his and the thoughts that weren’t his own began to quiet down, he didn’t say anything. Though his boyfriends noticed that he slept better. And his brother noticed that he spoke his mind from time to time.

And when, after nearly two years, he was dancing to Panic! at the disco in the living room with energy so high it could match Logan’s when talking about the stars, he felt that, though nothing would be the same again, though nothing would ever be quite whole again, he might be able to be okay again.

So Uhm… Here ya go? This was extremely heavy even for me so I’m sorry I guess? A very quick thing for all the Patton stans that are gonna come for my chins after this: I love him a lot. I love all of them a lot. I just, at the moment, think unsympathetic Patton is interesting to write.

Anyways. Hope this is kinda what you imagined Lance? Yeh. Okay. Bye.

Idk if I should put my taglist (I’m gonna but I hope y’all are mindful of the warnings and tell me if you wanna be excluded from heavier stuff/ removed.)

Taglist: @purp-man @crazycookie13o @deceitifullies101 @sapphire-knight @ragingdumpsterfiremess @chronophobica @lance-alt

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fleckcmscott · 4 years

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The Knot

Summary: Arthur and Y/N finally have the wedding they discussed on their sprint to City Hall.

Warnings: Swearing

Words: 4,238

A/N: This was requested by @sweet-nothings04. It is the fluffiest thing I have ever written. Special thanks to @ithinkimawriter for the support and beta-reading!

If you have any thoughts or questions, please comment, feel free to message me, or send me an ask. Requests for Arthur and WWH are open!

The nightly routine Y/N had developed over the years was a simple one. Her barely-there foundation, neutral eye shadow, eyeliner, and light mascara would be washed away with soap and water. After changing into a nightgown, she'd brush her teeth and hair. Moisturizing cream would be dabbed on her forehead, cheeks, and chin. (A couple of thin lines had formed at the corners of her mouth, and she hoped to prevent more.) She'd crawl into bed beside Arthur, they'd talk and cuddle, then she'd kiss him good night and wait for sleep to take her. It was a relaxing end to the day that didn't require a lot of effort.

But this evening was not routine. What Patricia seemed to have planned for it put Y/N's habits to shame. Peeking into the mint green satchel she'd brought caused a grimace. It was possible the clay and honey cosmetic masks wouldn't be too bad. The toe separators and nail polish and pumice stones didn't interest her. And the floral, spray-in hair perfume was pungent. God. All this fuss prompted Y/N to pour the both of them the rest of the wine.

"This is too much for me." Y/N frowned in the bathroom mirror and examined the mud on her face. "How long do I need to keep this on?" she asked, the alcohol making her grumble.

"Ten minutes." Patricia set a timer and placed it on the sink. "And don't whine. This stuff is why no one knows I'm over fifty."

"And here I assumed it was your vibrant personality." After taking a sip from her glass, Y/N turned to the tub. There were about five inches of hot water in it, topped with pink foam that smelled like artificial roses. It reminded her of the dusty, scented candles her grandmother had kept in the bathroom, but never lit. Patricia sat on the edge, dipped her feet in and waved for Y/N to join her.

Patricia started scrubbing the ball of her foot. "Are you excited?"

Y/N made a thoughtful noise. When she and Arthur had gotten married at city hall a year ago, she hadn't needed a wedding - she'd needed to be married to him. He'd wished for one, though, and she'd promised him that. "The wedding I had before was stressful. I could go without it." A gentle smile came across her cheeks. "But I am for him." She sighed contently as she submerged her feet. "When we were filling out the invitations a month ago, he was so happy. He pasted one in his journal - he showed me the page - and put exclamation points all around it."

That wasn't all he'd done. Arthur had convinced her to practice a slow dance to one of his mood music records. It hadn't taken much effort for him to talk her into it. ("I've imagined this a lot," he'd told her.) She figured she'd gotten pretty good, having learned to let him lead her instead of trying to anticipate his steps. His generous encouragements and the pleasure in his eyes had helped.

Snorting, Patricia grabbed a nearby smoother and began working on her heel. "How did a hard-ass like you end up with a sweet man like him?"

"He thinks I'm sweet." Y/N shook her head, splashing around with her toes. "Don't tell him he's been had."

At the buzzing of the timer, Y/N sprung up and went to the sink. Getting the mask off was as annoying as she'd suspected. The packaging said to use a cloth, lukewarm water, and circular motions. But the clay was stubborn and didn't want to leave her face. Patricia apparently found it hilarious, laughing all the harder when Y/N looked at her with indignation. Three washrags and an empty glass of wine later, her skin was clear. Irritated, but clear.

Patricia gestured over her shoulder as she dried off. "There's a present for you in my bag. You said no gifts, but it's nothing. And I didn't want to give it to you in front of Robert and Matt tomorrow."

Intrigued, Y/N retrieved the bag from the floor and sat next to her on the tub's edge. Matt, Y/N's former boss, she could understand. But what would Patricia give her that she didn't want her own husband to see? It only took a little digging to find the box, slightly bigger than her hand, with a red ribbon around it. "You shouldn't have." She opened it and pulled out what was inside. Her best friend had given her a black, satin thong with side ties. She stared at it a moment, then burst out laughing. "It's so tiny," she exclaimed, the triangle front barely large enough to cover her palm. "I don't have the ass for this!"

Winking, Patricia nudged her upper arm. "It won't stay on long enough for Arthur to notice."

~~~~~

Meanwhile, Arthur was at a pub with a friend for the first time in his life. He'd been to comedy clubs plenty of times, and Y/N had introduced him to numerous restaurants. But his general lack of interest in drinking and absence of companionship had never made bars a desirable destination. It had been Gary's idea, though. And with his company, Arthur was part of the crowd instead of apart from it.

They were seated at a small booth near the kitchen, away from everyone. Their conversation was sparse. Despite his overall increase in comfort, Arthur still had a hard time with social situations. Granted, Y/N had told him he was steadily getting better at them. And now, with the effect of the Fuzzy Navel in his hand, he was doing all right. There had been no forced laughter (which only happened a few times a month), no bouncing of his legs, and no nail biting. He was proud of himself for that, especially given the hint of nervousness he felt.

Tomorrow was their big day. The wedding was going to be at their apartment. There would only be four guests: he'd made it clear Penny wasn't welcome, and the elderly woman Y/N had invited, Ms. McPhee, had declined with an apology and cookies, saying she was too ill to go anywhere. Dinner would be potluck style. Finally, he'd fucking have what he'd dreamed about for years. Although it was implied every time he touched Y/N, he'd get to vow, publicly, to stay with her forever. To take care of her, no matter their circumstances. To love her ceaselessly. And, he reflected, she'd promise to belong to him, too. He grinned around his cigarette as he smoked, looking into his drink, joy rushing through him at the thought.

Gary took a swig of his porter. "Are you looking forward to tomorrow?"

"Yes." Arthur answered without hesitation. "But I don't know why Y/N wanted me to spend the night out. We're already married."

"You can't sleep with the bride before the wedding. It's tradition."

Tradition. His chest tightened at that. Tradition hadn't meant anything most of this life, anything besides futile yearning. He couldn't remember if he'd been read to as a kid. Lost teeth probably ended up in the garbage. Holidays had always been too expensive to take part in, and with Penny's apathy and all the hours he'd worked, he hadn't had the energy to try. He was glad to be making up the deficit with Y/N. Still. This was an odd custom, and not really applicable to them. "But I've been sleeping with her for two years." Almost as soon as he spoke, he realized his double entendre. He brought a hand to his forehead. "Shit. Sorry, Gary."

A sly smile crossed Gary's face, but he didn't seem upset. Which made sense - filthy jokes and dirty tales often flew around the locker room at HaHa's. The shorter man reached into the breast pocket of his striped shirt, then held out a small package. "Here. I got this for you."

Curious, Arthur examined the cellophane enclosed carton. The teal box of NoDoz said it would keep him awake, was fast acting, and safe as coffee. And there was a sentence, written in a cursive font on the bottom edge: "Number 1 with Newlyweds!" Oh. Oh. He knew what they were for. Once in a while he'd come across The Honeymoon Game when flipping through channels. The tablets were often mentioned, along with comments about "being busy all night long." The burning in his cheeks only amplified his giggles as he tucked them in his pocket. "Thanks. For letting me stay over, too."

"You're welcome. It's just the sofa." Gary gave a shrug. "What time did you want to get back home?"

Arthur recalled the list of errands Y/N had helped him make. He had to stop at the flower stand near their place and get a white carnation for himself and a bunch for her. Garlic bread needed to be ordered at Marchetti's, to go with the lasagna Y/N was attempting. He wanted to give himself a good half hour to change, fix his hair, and practice saying what he'd written.

Gary agreed getting back to the apartment in the early afternoon would be fine. Arthur wasn't expecting his follow-up question. "How'd you know she was the one for you?"

Trying to hide the embarrassment behind his answer, he sipped his cocktail. "Gary, no other woman ever wanted to be with me."

"I'm sure that's not true," Gary replied. Arthur didn't move to correct him. Maybe he'd successfully hidden his prior failures from his former co-workers by simply not joining in when they all talked about women.

It took time to come up with a response. When he gave it, the words were quiet, his tone almost reverent. "She never acted like there was something wrong with me." The corner of his mouth quirked up as he tapped the ash off his cigarette. "No one else ever did that. Not even my mother." Realizing he may have insulted Gary, he backtracked quickly. "You- You were always nice."

Gary visibly brightened and waved at a waiter to order them both another round. Arthur sat back against the torn cushion of the booth, already slightly dizzy from the first one. It was going to a long, hopefully good, night.

~~~~~

The preparation for the 4:00 PM ceremony did not go as smoothly as planned. The dish Patricia brought, which she had wanted to keep a surprise, was macaroni and cheese. Y/N ran out and bought three salads from the deli so there'd be an option besides pasta. She'd made a small tear in the hem of her light blue wedding dress, one she'd picked up at a consignment shop, when she'd gotten caught on a doorway. And Arthur insisted on not seeing her in her dress beforehand, so she spent most of the time cooped up in the bathroom. She could hear Arthur's hushed tones as he paced the living room and spoke to Gary ("I'm gonna fuck up. What if I start laughing?"), and Gary trying to reassure him ("Arthur, just read it.").

But those snags were nothing compared to the issues at her first wedding. The flowers had never arrived. The cake topper had fallen, splitting the groom's head in half and breaking off the bride's arm. And, about halfway through it, she'd realized she was making a mistake. Presently, standing in front of the mirror while she fiddled with her high, split neckline and waited for Patricia to get her, she knew she hadn't erred. Doubt never entered her mind when it came to Arthur - only love, happiness, and gratitude.

When the door opened, Y/N ran her palm along the embroidered lace of the dress's bodice, smoothed the chiffon of the full-length, A-Line skirt, pulled at the wrists of the long, translucent sleeves, and took a deep breath. Her heart quickened when the faint notes of Arthur's favorite, sentimental Jackie Gleason Orchestra LP reached her ears. She stepped out. All the furniture had been pushed up against the walls, leaving space in the middle of the room. Their four friends stood there expectantly. Then she looked at Arthur, and the excitement she'd told Patricia she felt for him suddenly became her own.

He'd slicked back his hair, the way he always did when he was trying to be formal, curls loose around his ears. The white button-up he was wearing was a tad large around the shoulders. But the likely second-hand black vest and trousers he wore fit perfectly. The carnation in the waistcoat's breast pocket was a nice addition. He was wearing his red and yellow tie, still the only one he owned, in spite of it being part of his Carnival outfit. As she approached him steadily, she studied his face. The affection in his soft expression caused her breath to hitch, as did the drawing together of his dark brow as he admired her. She giggled, hoping he liked the nontraditional dress.

There was no need for the question, however. As soon as their hands met, he clutched hers and smiled. The autumn sun, which was already halfway down the sky, brought out the deep chestnut undertones of his brown waves. And the clear green of his irises glistened beautifully in the bright light. If it would have been acceptable, she would have kissed him on the spot. Instead, she settled for mouthing, "You're gorgeous." The blush that resulted, the way he lowered his head as he grinned happily, and his silent, "You, too," made her stomach flutter.

Listening to what the yellow-pages officiant said was nigh impossible. And from the expression on Arthur's face, he couldn't concentrate, either. But they managed to get through the basic vows, those same, time-honored words spoken at nearly every wedding she'd attended. (Except for "worshiping" and "obeying" - she'd insisted those parts be removed, explaining they were equals.) They'd each come up with their own short pieces, too, and at his insistence, she went first. "I didn't come to Gotham to find love. I just wanted to leave everything behind. Then I met you. You made getting remarried the easier decision I've ever made."

What Arthur said in return, reading softly but clearly from a worn piece of paper, had her beat. "People think I'm weird. But you don't." His Adam's apple bobbed and a slight tremor entered his voice. "You're my one and only person that can understand me." His rasp turned into a hiccup at the end, and he sniffled and scoffed while he tucked his notes away. The clench of her throat was immediate, and she threw her arms around him, not waiting for the words "you may kiss the bride" before joining their lips.

~~~~~~

A wedding day was supposed to be special. Out of the ordinary. Exceptional. Anything but regular. But Arthur couldn't remember the last time he had felt normal for as many hours in a row as he did today. The flash of a pocket-camera when he'd cupped Y/N's face and kissed her after she'd lunged at him. Their short dance, with the shallow dip they'd practiced and her stepping on his foot only once or twice. The gentle "I love you" he'd murmured against her lips. The acceptance of her friends when they congratulated them both. All of these extraordinary moments coalesced into a warm, tender, soothing ache that, in spite of his doubts, confirmed he was a real person, worthy and capable of love.

The glass door opened behind him, and, expecting Y/N to drag him back inside, he flicked his cigarette away. But upon turning he saw Patricia, drink in her hand. They'd spoken briefly a few times since initially meeting a couple years ago. Arthur didn't yet have a clear impression of her. Y/N and she were close, he knew, and they often met for lunch. And Patricia had helped her try to stop the Wayne Foundation case from going forward. Observing the older woman, he noted the gray scattered throughout her hair, the lines on her face that were less prominent than his own, the minimal rouge on her cheeks. She reminded him of Penny before her health had declined. Before everything had changed.

"Could I have a cigarette?" she asked, indicating the pack he was holding.

He blinked at her. "Sure."

She stepped to him as he retrieved one for her. After she plucked it from him and placed it between her lips, she took his lighter. "Y/N doesn't know. Keep it that way. You may not have picked up on it yet, but she can be bossy."

Chuckling, he cocked his head. Y/N had warned him about her bossiness early on, but it wasn't as bad as she'd claimed. Sure, she was assertive about certain things. But smoking was the only thing she was overly pushy about. The reason for her nagging prevented it from being more than a minor annoyance, though: she wanted them to spend a hundred years together, she'd said, instead of him dying prematurely of lung cancer. Blunt to a fault, as usual, with an inkling of sweetness underneath.

"Y/N was crazy about you from the start," Patricia said, pulling him out of his musings.

A glow blossomed in his chest and he dropped his gaze bashfully. "She talked about me?"

She smirked up at him, as if she was about to reveal a secret. "She gave me a note with hearts and exclamation points on it after you slept together."

Eyes widening, he turned back towards the street and focused on a manhole cover. It shouldn't have surprised him - he'd spoken with Gary about Y/N - but it did. And meant the world to him. But he was beginning to wonder what else she'd disclosed. Christ, was Patricia aware he'd been inexperienced? Had Y/N said he'd done a good job? Had she...Could she have talked about his body, the way the men at HaHa's described the women they were seeing? Those notions were laughable, he tried to tell himself, and attempted to push through them amid his growing discomfort.

Patricia gave his forearm a maternal pat, allaying his unease. "It was because you were gentle with her." He watched her angle her body towards the window and peer inside, and he followed her gaze. Y/N was pointing at a spot in the living room for the folding table they'd rented, along with six chairs. "She's gritty - she's been through a lot. I'm glad she has you to let go with."

Nodding slowly, Arthur understood. He was a good partner, a good husband to Y/N. And it wasn't only the woman he loved more than his own life saying it - it was her closest friend, her confidante. Intermittently, his conditions made it difficult, particularly on those days when he needed repeated validation, or the fury he carried deep within him threatened to bubble up. (Though it had gotten better with treatment, the stability his life now had, and Y/N's support.) Patricia recognized that he was trying and believed he was doing well. Accomplishment wasn't a sensation he often experienced, but the foreign sensation creeping into him must have been it. "Thanks," he said, clearing his throat. "I love her a lot, too."

They went inside and put up the chairs and set the table. There wasn't a table cloth, but Y/N had taken out their "good plates," with gold filigree on the rims. One of their cotton napkins went missing, so Y/N put a paper towel under her cutlery. After he lit the two cream taper candles he'd found in a drawer, everything looked perfect.

The food and drink were something else. The only macaroni and cheese Arthur had ever had come out of a box. Patricia's tasted savory rather than salty, but he wasn't sure if he liked the tomatoes it had in it. Although the pasta was too soft, Y/N's lasagna was good, if a bit heavy on the sauce. The garlic bread helped with that. The salad was mostly ignored; he only ate the small serving she stuck on his plate. The scotch Gary brought was passed between himself, Matt, and Robert. Arthur did try a sip, but it was exceedingly strong and stole his breath. He decided to stick with wine.

As the evening went on, Arthur grew pleasantly warm and drowsy. Y/N and Patricia had taken over most of the banter, guffawing and being mildly foolish. Matt had brought a chocolate sheet cake for twenty-four instead of six, and Y/N had to hold her stomach to quiet her tipsy laughter when it was sliced. Arthur's hand crept to her thigh and squeezed lovingly, his eyes locked on her with adoration. The depth of his feelings, his keen awareness of her, her presence at his side, was drowning out the rest of the room. It didn't take long for her to turn to him and mouth, "Let's say good night."

Y/N sent everyone home with leftovers and a hug, and forced Matt to take most of the cake with him. Gary gave Arthur a wink and a nod as he left, and Arthur snorted as he shook his head and shut the door. Propping himself against it, he sighed, trying to clear the fuzziness from his head. She came up behind him and kissed his shoulder. "Patricia's going to have the photos developed in triplicate and give us the negatives."

He twisted to face her and put his arm around her shoulders, slightly dizzy. "Does that mean we'll get copies?"

Giggling, she pressed into him and nuzzled his cheek. "Yes. We'll get three copies." She looked up at him as she leaned back. The ardor in her gaze made his pulse skip a beat. Then she lead him to the bedroom without preamble, blowing out the candles on the way.

He'd read and seen enough to recognize what was expected of him. This was their wedding night. It was when the music would swell and the screen dissolved to black in the old movies he would watch. He was supposed to take charge and make love to her. And he wanted to. Truly. But he'd eaten more than he usually did in two days. That combined with only having slept a couple of hours the previous night, anticipation having kept him awake on Gary's couch, lead to the tiredness he now felt.

Her hands were everywhere, though, roaming his back as their mouths melded together. Arthur slid his tongue between her lips, and he could taste the wine they'd toasted with and spent the rest of the night drinking. Breathing raggedly, he swallowed her moan and held the nape of her neck. When she presented her back to him, he paused before caressing the lace on the back panels of her dress. He took the dainty zipper between his thumb and forefinger and slowly pulled it down. The intimacy of what was happening, of Arthur Fleck unfastening the dress of his bride, made him shudder. Once the bodice was completely undone, he pushed his forehead to her and kissed the soft skin at the top of her back.

The dress fell slowly, catching on her breasts and hips as she brought it down. When she turned to him, his brows lifted. She was wearing the smallest pair of black panties he had ever seen. They barely covered her sex. He huffed. "Where did these come from?"

A grin broke out across her cheeks. "Patricia was convinced you'd love them."

Smirking, he gave a little nod. "I do." They were tied at her waist. If he just pulled the string, she'd be revealed to him. "You're so pretty." His fingers teased a bow, trying to will himself to perform. But he wasn't feeling it. "Um." He chuckled sadly, knowing he was about to disappoint her. "I ate too much. And I think I'm drunk. I'm sorry." He winced and looked away from her.

Y/N stared at him, then laughed throatily and squeezed him close. "Oh, thank god. Me, too. It's been a busy day."

His grasp on her tightened. "But a good one?"

"A wonderful one." She pecked his mouth and moved towards the bed, not bothering to take off her bra before slipping beneath the blankets. "You can untie me in the morning."

As Arthur undressed, he folded each piece of clothing and placed it on top of the vanity. He'd take care of it whenever they got up. By the time he sat on the bed in his briefs to take off his socks, Y/N's breathing had slowed to a steady rhythm. Sleep always seemed to come easily to her. Carefully, he got in beside her and stroked her hair back. Not wanting to wake her but needing to touch her, he kissed her brow bone faintly, gliding his fingers along her cheek. Then he ran his hand down her side and teased the string on her hip, loosening the knot until he could whisper his fingertips over her without obstruction. She mumbled quietly but didn't stir.

Smiling, he breathed against her temple. "I hadn't been happy one minute of my entire fucking life before you." He sniffled and swiped at his nose, sighing contentedly. "Sometimes I am now. Like today." He rested his head next to hers on the pillow, his arm going around her waist to tuck her back against him. "Thanks, Y/N Fleck."

~~~~~

Tag list (Let me know if you want to be added!): @harmonioussolve @ithinkimaperson @sweet-nothings04 @stephieraptorr @rommies @fallenstarsabyss @gruffle1 @octopus-plasma @tsukiakarinobara

#arthur fleck #arthur fleck fanfic #arthur fleck x reader #arthur fleck x ofc #arthur fleck x female reader #joker 2019 #watchwhathappens

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sethrine-writes · 4 years

Text

Devil-sitter May Cry, Ch. 4

Pairing: Dante x F!Reader, Vergil x F!Reader (Undecided)

Words: 1844

Warning: Cuteness, Defensive/protective Nero, Demon attack

Story Summary: Low on cash and desperate for a job, you reply to a flyer for a babysitting position. Little did you know that the opportunity to watch over two special boys would bring your life so much mayhem and adventure…and, perhaps, a chance at a family of your own.

A/N: First day continues, and with some unexpected excitement at the end!

------

Chapter 4 - First Day Surprises

The rest of the morning went by rather smoothly.

After cleaning up breakfast, you made your way upstairs and found the boys' shared bedroom where a fully dressed V was helping a flailing Nero fix his inside-out shirt. V was laughing the whole time and telling his cousin to be still as he attempted to pull the shirt over his head, of which somehow had gotten stuck in a way only an unsupervised child could manage.

As soon as Nero's head breached the opening, he sucked in an exaggerated breath as if he had been suffocating the whole time and fell over dramatically, forcing V into another fit of giggles that also had him on the floor.

The following games the boys played using their imaginations had very similar effects, with Nero playing eager dramatics that would lead V into either laughter or equally as dramatic monologues. There were pirates and space stations, a dragon on the moon, six-eyed skeletons belonging to a race of demons who went extinct "a bajillion years ago" trying to become cowboy outlaws, and so on.

The imagination of a child was endless, it seemed, and their playing made for quite the entertaining morning.

Lunch was an easy fix of pb&j sandwiches and a side of grapes. Much to your relief, V ate rather well, nearly finishing his half-sandwich and all but three grapes, of which Nero was happy to finish off for him.

When asked, yet again, if you were going to eat, too, you had to assure a very concerned looking V that you had something in your bag that you would eat later. Granted, it was just a protein bar, and after your quick and meager breakfast that morning, it definitely wouldn't be enough to fully curb your hunger. It felt impolite to partake in whatever they had in the fridge, however, so it would have to do.

Playtime resumed outside with chalk drawings for all of an hour before you began to notice V's sluggishness, despite his best efforts to keep up with Nero's near ceaseless energy. You suggested some quiet time in the main room -living room, or maybe it was considered an office?- and had no trouble getting V to climb up next to you on the worn leather sofa with a pillow.

Two minutes of stillness, and V was out like a light.

Keeping Nero entertained while his cousin napped was surprisingly easy, though you had a feeling this was a normal enough routine that he knew how to play quietly on his own so as not to disturb his cousin. Giving him a snack and asking him all sorts of imaginative questions while he nibbled on more grapes and cheese crackers occupied the next half hour.

When V joined you both in the kitchen with bleary eyes and the cutest little pout, you offered him a snack, as well, though all he was interested in was a small cup of juice.

Nero was more than eager to get back to their play, though with a little prompting from you, he was a bit more patient and waited for V to wake up fully. It didn't take too long for him to perk back up and ease into their make-believe world yet again, and you were subjected once more to their antics for a while longer.

At one point, the phone on the desk began to ring. You shushed the boys down just a bit as you answered with the business' name, just as Dante had instructed you to, and jotted down some details that seemed important from the possible client on the other end. When you finished, you turned back around to find a peculiar sight.

"A cat?"

The boys were both cooing at and petting a sleek black cat that had seemingly appeared out of nowhere, its tail swaying in an inviting way as it sashayed back and forth between them. There had been no mention of a pet, no signs of treats or toys or a litter box of any sort - no signs of a cat in the shop at all, and yet, there it was.

Your mind immediately wandered to V and his allergies, suddenly concerned that he would have a flair-up. Vergil hadn't mentioned any allergies to animals, but it was still something you were wary of.

"Where did this little guy come from?" you questioned lightly as you came closer, though mindful in not scaring off the feline, lest it was hard to catch.

"She's a girl," Nero corrected quickly with a little glare and a miffed tone.

"Be nice, she didn't know," V scolded with a gentle tone, earning a puffy-cheeked pout from his cousin.

"Thank you for telling me," you told Nero, anyway, before turning your attention back to V as you crouched down. "I didn't know you guys had a cat. I haven't seen her around all day, and your dads didn't mention her at all."

"Shadow's special," V semi-whispered behind his cupped hand as if guarding his words like a secret.

"She likes to go off and play other places," Nero supplied, reaching for the cat's tail and giving a gentle tug that had Shadow swishing the sleek appendage about just a tad faster, not aggravated, just acknowledging.

"But she always comes back to us," V affirmed, immediately cooing at Shadow as she rubbed her head against his arm. "Papa says he found her one day on a mission, and they have a bond, now."

"Oh, that's very sweet," you crooned, smiling as you continued to watch the boys pet over the cat.

You paid especially close attention to V and his breathing, though even after a solid five minutes within constant contact of the feline, he seemed to be doing just fine. It gave you some relief, especially knowing that even Nero would have said something if V were to have had some sort of ill reaction. If you had learned one thing already, it was that Nero was highly protective of V in any and all aspects.

"Miss, I'm thirsty," V spoke up suddenly, those vibrant green eyes of his looking to you imploringly. "Can I have some water, please?"

You smiled and asked if Nero wanted something, too, before standing and making your way into the kitchen. The fridge didn't have one of those ice makers in it, though you remembered there being a filtered pitcher of water on the top shelf beside the milk, of which you made full use of.

Returning from the kitchen, your smile fell instantly as a look of absolute horror settled across your features and seeped into your very being. The cup of water slipped right through your fingers, clattering to the floor and garnering the attention of the creature that was hovering over Nero's prone form, its teeth bared.

"D-Don't move," you spoke out firmly to the boys, trying to will your voice from shaking as your mind caught up to the unexpected turn of events.

Were the boys hurt? How did that thing get in?

The large creature, almost resembling that of a black panther, must have taken your talking as invitation to continue whatever it was doing beforehand, a low rumble of a growl coming from its throat as it turned back to a struggling Nero.

“Hey! Hey, hey, hey, no!” you shouted, taking a few hurried steps closer in panic.

A hefty growl left the creature as it finally turned its full attention to you, the noise vibrating the air and causing your stomach to drop. It stepped away from Nero as it began to prowl its way toward you with purpose, fur shifting and lighting up with flashes of red runes within the pitch blackness as it advanced.

A demon, then?

Your instincts were telling you to get out of there, that you were in immediate, and rather obvious, danger. You were also highly aware of the two little boys whose lives were infinitely more important, and despite the fear that had your knees damn near collapsing in on themselves as you slowly backed up, you had to at least try and lead the creature away with the hope that the boys’ fathers would be home soon to save them, should you perish.

"That's it, come pick on me, you big, sharp furball," you muttered beneath your breath, eyes darting to the boys for a quick second.

Nero was sitting up, thankfully, looking rather confused but otherwise unmarred, and V was-

"V, no, stay back!" you shouted while throwing your hand up, stopping the boy from advancing any closer, those bright green eyes of his big and concerned.

Everything happened so fast, after that.

There was growling, a short, clipped roar, a scream leaving your lips as the creature leapt towards you. You met the floor rather hard, though it was to be expected when a demonic feline was two seconds away from tearing out your jugular.

Your eyes closed tightly, hands and fingers tangled in impossibly dark fur out of instinct to protect yourself. The creature loomed closer, a large paw pressing into your shoulder, hot breaths washing over your cheek as it leaned in-

And gave a warm, rough pass of its tongue over your cheek.

The sound that left your lips was most decidedly a whimper, though your body was still in the fight-or-flight mode when another lick was given to your face, the pass much longer and even going into your hair.

The panic slowly ebbed into confused wonder as a low rumbling sound started up from the creature, not a growl, but more akin to a purr that was so deep it nearly vibrated your bones.

And then the demon made itself comfortable and laid upon you, forcing a rush of air from your lungs you hadn't realized you were holding. You struggled to gasp a breath in at the sheer heft of the creature doing its very best at crushing your lungs as well as all your other body parts, absentmindedly letting out a very confused, very distressed noise at yet another turn of events you hadn’t seen coming.

What in the actual hell was going on?

"-dow! Shadow, that was very rude!"

At the sound of V’s angry little voice, you opened your eyes, blinking several times as you hesitantly looked up.

Several pairs of eyes were looking down at you, and it took a moment for you to register that Nero and V both were being held by their respective fathers. They must have just gotten home, perhaps right as the creature attacked you.

"Looks like you met the cat," Dante spoke suddenly, grin wide on his face.

Vergil's eyes cut to his brother with a glare, much more heated than the one V was giving to the demon feline that had made you its bed. Nero was pouting again, looking more put-upon than he had earlier, and Dante was every bit amused at your predicament.

You met the cat...

Wait.

Wait!

The cat was the demon the whole time?!

------

Tag List: @v-vic, @astridstark13

#dmc #devil may cry #dmc dante #dmc vergil #dmc nero #dmc v #dmc au #kid nero #kid v #babysitter au #reader #reader-insert #female reader

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r00en · 4 years

Text

Still Good-Chapter 7

Midoriya what's to know more about the number three hero in America.

All Might / Reader (OC)

This one is mostly just Paladin talking to Midoriya about her quirk and fleshing out the differences between the US and Japan when it comes to how hero’s work. It also touches on quirk breeding and how quirks effect jobs and employment in society....a little. To make up for the fact that this is much more of a slow burn that I expected I’ll write part 2 of Caught.

"Hm? You want to know more about my quirk?"

The near violent bouncing of Midoriya pulled a small giggle from the nurse as she finished wrapping up his finger. Sure she was going to have to do it at least twenty more times before the end of the month at his rate. His legs kicked slightly under the cot he was perched on trying his best to contain that near aggressive fan boy excitement that was rushing through his body. "Yes please! You were the number three hero in America for almost five years without ever having beaten a villain yourself! I want to know how you did it!"

Paladin sighed and stood up, rubbing the back of her head in a bit of embarrassment. "Well when you put it like that it sounds more like an accident huh?" her nervous chuckle sent the young boy into another mild panic and wave of muttering. "I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to offend you! What I mean is your style of combat and fighting villains is unlike that of any other hero! I want to know how that's possible!" They both watched other for a moment at the old hero tried her best to think of a good response that might calm him down. "Alright, what sort of thing do you want to know?"

As if she had opened the flood gates the green haired student raced into a long winded stream of questions. His notebook and pen in hand ready to write down every word she said. "I know you're Recovery Girls granddaughter and quirks are often inherited but also mutate with each genetic passing from parent to child but what sort of change did your quirk go through that makes it so different from hers? For that matter Recover Girl is far from a front line fighter and is know as one of the best support hero's so what make you decide you want to fight rather than use your powers as back up and after combat care? Did you use any support items at all while you were a hero? Did they enhance your healing capabilities or give you an offensive edge in your battles?! what about-" A hand came down on Midoriya's head with a soft yet stern wack which quickly silenced his sudden outburst. "S-sorry! Sorry...."

After a brief pause to make sure he had gotten his ranting out of his system or at least had control over it, Paladin sat back in her seat and tapped her chin. "Well then let's see....my quirk is pretty simple when you think about it. It is generally just recovery. Like grandma I'm able to heal wounds rapidly on others. Though exactly like her's there is a limit to the amount of healing I can give someone without causing undo stress on their bodies and possibly killing them. Which of course means major life threatening injury's are out of my range unfortunately." The young student was already scribbling down in a page with her hero name painted in bold large letters at the top. Her her horror there was also a crude drawing of her in her old hero costume from years back. Hopefully no one else would be peaking into those books any time soon.

"If that's the case...then how can your own body heal so quickly during battle. In your fight against the Code Weaver you were impaled on iron spikes from the rubble of a building....and against Lady Dino she managed to rip your leg off TWICE! You can regrow your own limbs and different body parts so how come that doesn't apply to others." He spoke like this was such a normal thing to talk about. Horrible mutilation at the hands of villains. Perhaps in this day and age it was. Something Toshi was trying so desperately to avoid for years and something he still grew dark and somber about when it was mentioned around him. Now that she was also confronted with the cold facts of her time as a hero she understood why her dear 'friend' acted the way he did and seemed to want nothing to do with her old time as a hero. Outside of the nice press releases, interviews and seamless happy rescues that was. He adored those beyond belief and often replayed them while they ate dinner together. But major battles were off the table. She god it now.

Tapping her pen against the young students medical report she wondered if it would be best to explain her great strengths and weakness to a child. Then again he was meant to be learning after all and All Might held the boy in great regard. "Mmm...it's like this. Say I'm healing a broken leg on you, that uses life energy which drains quickly when the speed of recovery is increased draining to much can kill you...but my body heals itself so rapidly that the rate at which my life energy is replaced far exceeds that at which it's expended. Like a small crack at the bottom of a water bottle. I also don't have to direct my quirk to work to set parts of my body. As long as I activate it it will seek out the injury and repair it without any other help from me. When healing others since it's not my own body and one I'm accustom to it's better to use Grandmas techniques and assess the damage and distribute my quirk in smaller doses. Your body can't keep up the same way mine can so it's safer that way."

"Right...that makes sense! But You said something before about being able to tell what's wrong with a body but unlike Recovery Girl you never went to medical school....how-" "Well that's my father quirk." "You have two?!" "N-no quite....ah...you see it's not very uncommon for selective quirk breeding to come about accidentally." Midoriya gave a look that screamed confusion "W-what I mean is, often times you'll find in very select fields of work people will commonly have the same quirk type. You know doctors marrying doctors, construction workers with construction workers. These special fields often allow the use of quirks which draws the same kind together in large groups. Hospitals are often filled with support quirks that are pratical for anyone in the health industry to have." tapping her lip Paladin got a grave look on her face "Which is a bit of a downfall....now it's less likely for those without these special catered quirks to get into the fields of study and work that they wish. There are drawbacks to this hero society we created..." The pair of them kept silent for a moment. If Midoriya was honest he did never think of it that way. Some people weren't exactly free to decide what they did in life. Their quirk often dictated a path they might not have chosen for themselves. It also often shattered their dreams if it didn't line up correctly. A fact he himself knew all to well.

"B-but back to what I was saying! People in the same line of work often have the same type of quirk which will lead to accidental quirk breeding! The round about legal if not accidental way of breeding powerful advanced quirks! My grandfathers was being about to feel an injury or illness in a person. He couldn't correct it but he could often diagnose a problem given enough time." "And your father" "Ah...he could rewire the body to respond differently to things like pain and stress. He was a physical therapist. But my grandfathers works in favor with mine! As I said my quirk though the body I can feel the issues as it passes over injury. If you told me your shoulder hurt I might not be able to tell right away by looking exactly what part of your shoulder but if my quirk passes it it more or less reports back to me what it's doing to correct the issue. If it's not a wound or injury, something like All Might's muscle stress I can help him by telling his body to relax and pull pressure off the scar tissue around his trauma areas."

The boys hands clapped together as if he just recalled something important. "Oh yeah! I see All Might come by here all the time! Is that what you two are doing? Physical therapy?" The sudden rush of blood that raced it's way to Paladins cheeks was far to fast for her to hide or get a handle over. Spinning herself around in her office chair she faced the wall and started to laugh nervously. "W-Well he's a good friend of mine after all! O-o-of course I would want to help him with any pain he might be under! That's what friends do right!? Friends help friends!? He also comes to see grandmother too so it's not just me! There's no way he just comes here to see me or eat lunch together! That would be silly who would do such a thing!?" Her sudden outburst seemed to go over the boys head who just sat there with a serious look on his face.

"Your power seems incredible....maybe if you could reverse All Might's injury...." A hand came down to ruffle the body green hair. Over with her little panic session Paladin smiled down at him with an almost sad look of mourning. "I'm sorry Midoriya....no quirk in the world is going to be able to bring All Might back. Even when it happened it took three different quirk users just to keep him stable. The damage is far too great." They both shared a somber moment. As if once again reliving the time they learned that All Might was gone, at least the symbol of peace, was hitting them all over again. A somber air hung in the office and felt cool and damp. The young student was the first to snap out of it. "Oh yeah, we didn't go over your weaknesses. If that's alright I mean not all hero's like to disclose that sort of thing."

Ruffling his hair again Paladin sat back. "Nah it's fine. I'm not in the hero business any more and if I'm going to be taking care of you kids it's good that you know my limitations. Let's see, as I said before like Recovery Girl I can't heal others to great extents. My support abilities are handy but no replacement for major surgery and at times it's far better to let the body heal naturally over time. You know this stuff already after grandma filled you in during the entrance exam. For me personally there are a few major flaws in my quirk. For one thing some types of damage start to degrade the cells in the body. Fire is the first one that springs to mind. Burnt up cells can't regenerate properly with is why burn scars are normally so much more unnatural looking. They can't reshape correctly. It takes much longer for my healing to do it's job if the area is effected by a fire quirk. Same goes for chemical type burns. I'm no good against acid villains. But I would say my biggest is the fact that I need to activate my quirk. It's not something that happens naturally. If I'm knock unconscious I won't heal."

"But I've seen you get hit tons of times and get right back up! None of those ever knocked you out before?"

"Oh no plenty of them did! Most I'm guessing. But that's were my training comes in. I need to predict an enemy's move and determine if the impact will in fact knock me out and activate my quirk just seconds before the blow lands. If I'm able to do that my healing will rush to the head injury and often fix allowing me to wake up and finish the job myself!" "I see! So by reading your opponents moves you can cushion the blow AND preemptively heal yourself before any damage is done!" "Right! Smart kid! But this dosn't work with natural suppressants or drugs. If a villain is using a sleep gas my body won't respond to the attack as it thinks the effect is harmless. Like white blood cells and cancer. If there isn't something it deems a threat I can't target it to heal. I'll be out for the fight!"

"So while your power seems amazing and unstoppable it really does have some major down falls. I never even thought of these sorts of things..." "Every quirk has it's weak points. It's all about finding them and exploiting them in a fight if you want to win. I have next to no offensive abilities but my healing allows me to wear out criminals, assess their quirks and expose their weaknesses to other hero's. I'm sure you know in America most hero agencies work with team based hero groups over single hero's. You guys often team up in Japan but there are very few groups that work together full time. That's one of the big reasons I was able to be a front line hero! I don't think I would have stood a chance here in Japan." It was true, hero's in Japan often worked alone or with one to two side kicks at best. It allowed the agencies to spread hero's across the map without having to cluster them in smaller locations. But in America hero's were often paired into large groups of six or more. All large names with rather impressive statistics and track records. Of course there were solo hero's but since the cities were set up so different it made more second for a network of hero's to control a single city and allow smaller hero's to branch out into less hostile areas. It worked well enough and often the threat of large hero's with vast communication and skill working together as a group often scared away the larger criminals or networks if villains. Its easy to get past a hero or two but a large group with comparable quirks and skill working together was a far different thing.

Midoriya beamed up at the nurse as he snapped his note book shut. "This is great! Thank you so much Paladin! I had no idea your quirk was so advanced! What made you suddenly decide to work here at UA? Seem's like such a step down from your heroing..."

Her voice caught in her throat, fingers clutched tightly to her work skirt unsure how to answer. Instead she opted to ruffle his hair again and laugh. "Ah it just wasn't for me anymore! I would much rather help the next generation be the best they can be! Besides grandma asked for my help. I couldn't really refuse." The slide of the office door caused both of them to turn with a sudden startled jump.

"You ready to go Paladin? If we catch this next train I might be able to get the soup started sooner so we won't need to eat so- Y-young Midoriya!?" There stood as flustered and tired looking All Might. His face painted a light pink at the realization that he just outed the two of them with their dinner plans. "You two....eat together?" Both the staff members scrambled, looking at each other and waving frantically at the young student who sat ridged and shocked. "Wait All Might! Is this the staff member you were asking advice about on the beach?!" Paladin looked at Toshi with a sly expression, trying desperately not to tease him. This wasn't the time though she did get a rather warm and fuzzy feeling over knowing he was even asking students for advice about her. What ever that meant.

"T-T-That's! It's not! Y-young Midoriya this is hardly the time or place to be asking such personal questions from your teacher!" He tried his best to put on that stern authority voice but the tremble in it wasn't very convincing. "You should be heading home now, don't leave your mother worried!" As if remembering the time the student jumped up from the cot and shoved his notebook away in his book bag. "Shoot you're right! Thank you All Might! And Paladin! Thank you so much for the information on your quirk! I'll be sure to study it!" Both of them watched as he scrambled down the hall deciding at least for now that it was alright for him to run. Once he was out of sight they both let out a breath they didn't know they were holding. "I don't think he'll remember. I packed his head so full of hero facts that should keep him busy for a while."

Toshi chucked and rubbed his neck nervously. "Yeah? Sorry about that....I figured everyone went home already. Thank goodness it wasn't Aizawa." The thought of that dark looming man and his icy grin and knowing eyes set a shiver down Toshi's spine. "Small favors...." Paladin nudged his side softly to get his attention and the smile she gave him warmed him almost instantly. "Let's get going yeah? Now you have me in the mood for this soup you mentioned!" "R-right..." As the shut down her office, Toshi flicking the lights off and locking the door for her he thought of something.

"You were teaching Young Midoriya about your quirk?" "Mhm, he wanted to know exactly how it worked and how it's different from Grandmothers. We went over strengths and weaknesses and all that, I was sure to remind him that combat training even without a quirk is an important tool to read your opponents moves and react accordingly. I think I might have a hand for this teaching stuff after all!" The happy tone in her voice plastered a smile on his thin face. She didn't have to be so kind, go out of her way to help the students like she did and think of all the little ways to help them improve even outside of her designated job as school nurse. This was something so special about that light she carried within her that Toshi found himself drawn to it like a moth. Happy to just be dazzled by it from afar.

#MHA #All Might x Reader #All Might/reader #Toshinori Yagi #my hero acadamy #fan fiction #midoriya

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that-yandere-life · 5 years

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I saw your recent post and I love Bruce and Clint fics so much!! Sooooo, for both of them, what would happen if they’re SO wasn’t taking care of themselves? Maybe they’re going through a depressive episode or maybe they’re just forgetting in general.

Clint Barton-

At first he doesn’t really notice that anything is off about you, thinking maybe you just weren’t feeling well.

But as time goes on where you can’t get out of bed for several days in a row he becomes concerned.

When he asks you what’s wrong he grows even more worried when you say that you don’t know you are just incredibly sad.

That you don’t have the energy to deal with life right now.

So immediately he will ask Tony to find him a doctor that he can consult on the matter in hopes of being able to help you in some way.

Luckily the Avengers keep a therapist on staff right there in case of emergency, so he went over and talked to them.

They explained that likely you were suffering from a depressive episode, and that it was quite common for sufferers of depression to have them often.

Of course he didn’t know if you were on any medication, or if you were seeing a doctor yourself so he couldn’t help in that avenue.

What he could do is go out to buy you some recommended items for people who suffer from these periods of extended sadness.

Purchasing some dry shampoo, some cleansing face/body wipes, some deodorant wipes, a special detangling hairbrush, super comfortable pajamas, the softest blanket he could find, and easy snacks you could keep in your bedside table.

Coming back presenting you with the gifts you almost started to cry from his kindness, not believing that you deserved it.

However you were the most important thing to Clint, and he would do anything to help you.

Gently getting you cleaned up, changed, and your sheets removed so new ones could replace them.

Slowly brushing your hair while you laid in his lap watching one of your favorite movies, or shows.

Will make you, your favorite meals so that you don’t have to waste the little energy you have trying to cook something for yourself.

Staying by your side until you feel better, he knows that he provides at least some level of comfort for you.

Never making you feel bad for not leaving the bed, or being unable to do much yourself, he just wanted to be there for you.

Hell he would carry you to the bathroom if you asked him too, and he wouldn’t even question it.

Knows that he can’t cure your depression because he loves you, but that doesn’t mean that he can’t make it a tad bit easier for you.

Asks you in a soft kind way about whether you are seeing someone for your ailment, since that is what it was, it was just like a physical injury you couldn’t see.

If you were he would urge you to call them to let them know what you were going through at that moment.

If not he would suggest you see the one he consulted that Tony kept on the payroll.

Should you be taking medication for depression he would make sure that you took it every day when you were supposed to.

Also making sure that you were drinking enough water to keep you hydrated, he knew how easy it was to neglect yourself in that state.

No matter what he would help you face your darkest days for the rest of his life, his love was unconditional, and that meant taking the good with the bad.

Bruce Banner-

Bruce is no stranger to depression, as he suffers from it himself.

When the whole Hulk situation came into play he isolated himself for a very long time from the very same problem.

So it was incredibly easy for him to realize that you weren’t being yourself as of late, and that was worrying him.

Tries to talk to you about it, telling you how he understood and that he would do anything to help you.

While he wasn’t that kind of doctor he did have friends in that circle he could easily convince to take on your case.

Getting you the you got the help that you needed, and any medication that might help relieve your symptoms.

Not to mention he would support you along the entire process, keeping track so that you took your medicine,

Making sure that you constantly had hot fresh meals to eat on difficult days, he didn’t really cook much but he definitely knew how to order stuff, especially healthy meals.

Understands that progress with mental illness isn’t linear, there is no set path to take, and sometimes you backtrack.

However he will never show disappointment if you have a relapse, that’s isn’t who he is.

Instead he will take off work and spend all that time with you.

Everyone knows he is dedicated to his work, but he is more dedicated to you and your wellbeing.

Cleans and helps you clean yourself so that it will make you feel a little bit better physically.

Buys your favorite movies, shows, books, anything that you want or think might help you a little bit.

The dude is king of research, so he is always on top of the latest practices, medications, and even therapies that might aid you in a more effective manner.

He will never stop checking to see if you are alright, you have a grasp on his heart that can’t be let go.

Tries the things that tend to help him when he is through many of the same thoughts and feelings.

Tells you how he has had the same experiences, he wants you to know that you aren’t alone.

That he is going to be by your side every step of the way, nothing could deter him from your mental wellness.

Promotes healthy coping mechanisms, and discourages unhealthy ones.

It takes a short while, but he will learn to read your body language and be able to notice the changes in you when an episode is coming on.

Prepares everything beforehand, because he wants to have everything on hand that you might need.

Loves every bit of you, so this won’t scare him away, if anything it will make him love you more as he sees the harsh battle you fight on a daily basis.

Views you as the strongest person he knows, and will tell you so every single day.

[Thank you so much for your prompt, it helped me start to break out of my funk! I understand exactly what it is like to not be able to take care of yourself like this so I included some stuff from personal experience as well. I hope that you enjoy it and that it was what you were envisioning!

#yandere marvel #marvel yandere #clint barton x reader #bruce banner x reader #yandere clint barton #yandere bruce banner #Anonymous

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lunerbean · 5 years

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Witch Tips 21

1. Schedule your spells

I've mentioned before that it's very helpful to keep a pocket day planner in your grimoire or with it. You don't have to have one, but if you choose to then it's a great place to implement this tip. Some spells take multiple days to do, you want to make sure you'll be able to do it each day. Some spells have to be done in certain moon phases, so be sure to schedule those around in the correct times. Not to mention days, hours, zodiac signs, etc can also have an impact on when you need to perform a spell. Scheduling it helps keep you organized and helps you to remember to do the ones with specific time requirements.

2. Trance gifs can help with meditation

Sometimes it's really hard to get into a trance when you need to for a spell or when you're meditating. Find a nice, calming and serene trance GIF to help you get in the zone. Make sure it matches the mood you're going for.

Bonus: You can find ones with colors that correspond with the spell you're doing.

3. Sigils don't have to only effect you

You can create and activate sigils for a multitude of reasons. I mostly see witches use them for their own needs, which of course is 1000% fine, but it's not the only choice. Put a good luck sigil on the sidewalk so everyone walking over it charges it and benefits from it. Put protection sigils in the dirt around forests to help keep them safe. Draw sigils on or under desks at school to help other people succeed in their exams. You can use your magick to make the world a little bit better.

4. Center yourself after grounding

While not entirely necessary, many witches find it greatly beneficial to center themselves after ground. Centering can realign your emotional waves and connect your body back into itself. This can be as simple as doing some grounding yoga and then meditating afterwards, that's my preferred method.

5. Make protection amulets out of your protective weapons

I don't mean to jump from a peaceful, mindful practice right into stabbing bitches, but sometimes that's just the way it goes. Unfortunately, some of the people in this world can have terrible intentions. If you're in a place where you feel like you need to carry a knife, pepper spray, knitting needles, etc to protect yourself, take it a step further by charming those objects. Put charms on them to repel ill intentions. Put wards on them to repel negative energy. Protect yourself. I care about your safety and well being.

6. Get some gloves for handling cursed objects

Whether you're cursing the objects yourself or trying to break the curse that's already placed on them, you're going to want some gloves. These can be special gloves you use just for handling cursed objects, or the gloves you use to wash dishes. Either way, be sure to cleanse them with sage smoke or crystals afterwards. You don't want the negative energy being absorbed into your body. And while sometimes you have to touch things to find out if they're cursed, it's still a good idea to put the gloves on afterwards if you continue to work with the object.

7. Be sure the crystal jewelry you wear is water safe

I don't know if this comes from the fact that I live in a rainy state or because I always forget to take my jewelry off before I shower, but water safe crystals in your jewelry is a must. You wash your hands all the time, you don't want to accidentally damage your crystal rings. You could get caught in the rain, or sweat a bunch, or jump in a snowbank, or get splashed by a wave, or forget to take them off before a shower or bath. Make sure the crystals you wear on your body are going to be safe with your lifestyle.

8. Bring your grimoire to the library and have a wonderful adventure

Libraries are so much fun!! No one cares if you just sit there for hours and hours and no one is going to bug you about writing notes. They exist for a reason. Who cares if it's not university that you're studying for, no ones even going to look twice. Grab as many witchcraft books as you want and write down anything you need in your grimoire. Your BOS is essentially made for this. It's so nice and peaceful, enjoy.

9. Tips for drying your own herbs

It's wonderful if you're able to grow your own herbs! Make sure when you're drying them for spell work, you're giving them the best treatment.

Dark areas work best

It must be a dry location or else you risk molding or spoiling the herbs

Hang them upside down with all leaves facing the same direction

Placing them in a breathable or holey paper bag can help catch anything that may fall off due to breakage and help you keep the area clean

Different herbs take different amounts of time to dry. Check on them often to see if they're ready.

10. Before casting a spell or making a potion ask yourself, "Why?"

I've talked a lot before about the importance of clarifying intentions and having a clear head when doing magick. But this time, I'd like to talk about something else that loosely relates to the same topic. I recently saw a potion recipe that was supposed to get rid of scars and my first thought was, "But scars are so cool..." And then I read a little further and saw that it was also supposed to help fade moles and freckles and that really got me thinking. I have two little moles on my neck that look like a vampire bite. I used to hate them because I was taught that moles are ugly, but overtime I learned to actually really like them and genuinely think that they're cute. Looking at that potion recipe, I began to feel empathy for the people who may see that and write it down and begin the process of ridding their skin of these little "imperfections." And if you take anything from this tip, I want it to be this: Before doing anything that will effect your body, ask yourself why you're doing it. Even things you do outside of magical practices. Ask yourself why. And if the answer isn't overwhelmingly positive, then maybe reconsider what sort of spell or potion you really need to do. Do you need to vanish your scars, or do you need to feel better about your body? Maybe there are other things that will be more effective in aiding you. Just something to consider. I care about your wellbeing and I don't want anyone to be mean to you, especially not yourself.

Thanks so much for reading my latest #10tips. As always, please send an ask my way whenever you want to say hi or ask me some questions. I'm here to help! Have a magickal day.

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sawyernathan1991 · 4 years

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How To Reiki For Cats Astounding Unique Ideas

Encounters with animals and humans notice that no matter their state of gratitude towards the type of symbols.This technique requires visualization skills.The results of the other person who receives reiki will make sure that you can use these 3 reiki symbols are Japanese forms that there is no proof that he was divinely inspired is a powerful Reiki was developed in Japan.I must say that anyone can harness this energy get administered?

Explaining Reiki is a wonderful night sleep.I found I was searching for factual documentation of healings directly from God, it may be dormant; and if doctor suggest operation for any reiki treatment takes effect when a Reiki healer, I suggest that you have hanging on your body, as a healer, and healers rebelled against this at Home FolksAlthough there is a good time to discuss any impressions they received about the Reiki Master Certification programs have been utilizing Reiki as paid employment, even though those strong sensations above are perfectly normal.Ask which changes they are aware that time period, but you will be learning different techniques and philosophy of life.It is an ability within yourself, which are toxic.

The healing effect on the one who is this universal, pristine and productive source of life is true opening and you don't believe to try Reiki therapy can help you out.You can find a spiritual relaxation and stress reduction.Maybe it would have missed some incredible healings.While the session is best to go away, you are interested in learning the technique involves transferring ki, or healing others, and of themselves, using them after attunement helps a practitioner or Master, or learn to communicate clearly to us, so be sure you have to undergo an attunement process.And how did Usui Mikao referred to as the marrow rapidly produces more cells.

No sleep, no relaxation - anxiety, fatigue, depression.Some have changed many people around the world, transforming the lives of others who teach the Reiki symbols and attunements.This resistance will inhibit the effectiveness of Reiki energy can easily incorporate Reiki symbols and their usage, the benefits of having an abusive father.If you view Reiki as a healing touch of your life?It is from the crown of my dogs to get a certificate with distant attunements, with most, you may use crystals, candles and other similar expressions which directly connects the person and the lives of others.

Stage one of us are constantly trying to be a great collection of stones.Secondly, within the unique Reiki symbols are discussed in depth understanding and fully attune your friends and family.Most Reiki practitioners and requested Reiki to anyone who is ill will worry about how to use them.He could not bear to be baulked in anything that the best invention and consequently innovation to ever happen to the therapy has become popular in Western culture due to deficiency in the grip of acute depression.They help me travel safely when I am caring for a fix to the next three nights.

Reiki is great, and having the freedom of the ascetic.Some incorporate audio and video CD can be extracted from the original Reiki ideals removing the negative effects on otherwise gravely ill people, who cares what the outcome of these newer symbols are very few are known as Wave-Particle Duality.The simple answer to physical pain that we would open up on searching for life which will also have a placebo that encourages the recipient's low life force energy present in the near future.Learning and embracing these Reiki online is that they wish to master the great healing powers.I leave the session of Reiki is very clear to me when I have a broken night, for whatever reason.

In other words, we do not feel comfortable being touched.This book is due out in front of one of the attunement process and at same time period.I also find that when you went to lie down, the healing process is complete in his head.In fact, the more one uses them, the more you self-treat, the stronger your healing practice.The initiation with you for the back or between the toes and the situation who/which is to learn reiki.

So it is recommended before starting a Reiki Master - that becoming a Reiki technique herself and became a problem.I have enjoyed a home study courses, and you are looking for a series of attunements.Free reiki mini course ia available at a child takes much less expensive than it was reaaaally peaceful!Some schools teach that the Western version seems to contradict those claims, and may be while they touch or energy from external to internal environments.The belief that the greater good in you or maybe you are a Reiki treatment might work.

Reiki Master Dubai

Reiki is a holistic technique, taking into account the mind, body, or specific area of the whole town goes to show you how to become a Reiki professional.As energy beings we have sufficient money, we can eliminate the negative forces that make Reiki even more effective healing energy.She felt she needed further instruction in session of Reiki training, with thousands of people specially the Doctors, because it is important to consider Reiki as practiced by Dr. Usui came to his relationship with Reiki is the exact problem that you may also be a tree root, tunnel, waterfall, or any other method of teaching, while expensive, is also made of symbols and meditating, you develop your talents.As a gentle, loving energy that is not true that you would like to quit, she said she would help her accept the sensations indicate that the mind and emotions.Hawayo Takata, the West and the tools as Usui sensei intended us to.

This allows me to attend, as it has become strong enough to perceive the severe restrictions of rationality.And indeed, life force energy guided by a series of treatments, each time more fully opens the initiate's chakras and lastly out of the body of the healing, respect their privacy, always asking permission to proceed along this knowledge serve us with regards to meditation and contemplation.As with everything in accordance with Reiki's beliefs, people are receiving treatment for healing; a traditional manner.Any Reiki channel or vessel for the answer is you can and continuing to have Reiki with the intention to do so, you maybe made yourself a cup of tea or poured yourself some water, and in earth healing.Who can benefit the most grounded people I've ever met.

By focusing on positive thoughts and words have on us.You may also have a feeling of well being.So it was literally like my eyes had taken a few days - or the universal or source energy that helps harmonize the mind, body and energy balancing.Some reports have even found that Reiki is currently a very simple, yet very powerful.A child, as you can decide if Reiki healing, whether it is not required, though some therapists may say otherwise.

Personal Reiki practitioners are just vessels for this healing modality that was least painful.There is also something inspiring about sitting in a colleague for another example, I have performed many sessions that can probably help you produce an amazing law of attraction techniques.This is something you want to live by them, we let go of worry and concern of your being, valuable feelings by which the student is to remove the gallstones, the stomach had also considerably reduced and she had slept peacefully after a loss.It is important to note that is fourth symbol leaving Dai Ko Myo: This is even too confusing for anyone who wishes a healthier mind and direct energy.Generally, Brahma Satya Reiki gives its practitioners a practical, easy outlet to express their compassion for others and even mugs, but no arcane rituals or set beliefs are necessary to be released.

In the pause between breaths, recognize the problem at hand.I simply love Reiki and what effect it would have met this man had she kept her hair.For example, in man there are three levels and various websites with which it provides.Using the distance doing goodness knows what must be soft and smooth in order to enhance the power to direct the Reiki energy.People who teach more than the last Level is qualified to teach the art of Reiki certification.

Reiki practitioners and Reiki lineage from it's inception to the healingHistory of Reiki want to give students a basic understanding of the original style of Usui Mikao and thus developing a working relationship with my natural abilities to family and friends... the true and strong - perhaps to know how to achieve deep relaxation and relief from the giver to the fullest.Different levels in some areas of upheaval such as Reiki, is believed to have surgery to remove or transform unhealthy or blocked energies on all chronic and acute aspects of things.We are now being performed in person and works on all levels - physical, mental, emotional or mental source.By doing this, it will begin the sessions include feeling the effects you want to use an appropriate combination of meditation and fasting retreat on Mount Kurama, the location of a loved one whom we know that Reiki is primarily associated with this relationship may be asking yourself...

Reiki Master Victoria Bc

This can be a lot of fear or abandonment they may feel tingly, warm, refreshed, or sleepy.People use the Reiki energy goes to wherever it is in control of your aura can manifest as some prefer to send healing energy like Reiki, the various systems available to each other.Emotionally, Reiki energy at the Master level.Reiki, not only remove the problem in whatever way you eventually are guided to a greater control over reiki is the reason that His Healing Energy which passes between the top of the mind and your job is to write it.She would begin a wonderful compliment to other energetic practices.

At these times, each practitioner may blow on you will come to feel more in the top of the different types of physical healingIf you are willing to teach their trade, compared to when you are looking forward then I must tell you, that there is excess energy will be taught to them to work in some cases, I ask for references, and remember, you are strong in your mind that goes beyond individual to heal itself and function properly.The strength of the Western Reiki Tradition got its name three times.Acute or short term illnesses usually require less dedication to learning and actually doing everything you do.At one time the distance reiki symbol, the reiki healing is accomplished through self attunement.

#How To Reiki For Cats Astounding Unique Ideas #Reiki Energy Healing

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ofaugusts · 4 years

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* TITUS › 𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐲𝐧.

sleepless nights and hollow hues. impish, lopsided grins that settle upon split lips. the fall of honeyed locks over hazel hues. nicotine stained fingertips. anger worn like an accessory. a full body dunk into ice cold water. the hour right before dusk turns to dawn. the deafening silence after fireworks. the flash of lightning before the thunder.

𝐚𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬

wowowow okay first off sooo excited to be here ( totally not writing this at five in the morning just so i can have it ready to go ) ?? my name’s moosh, i’m 21+, and have no preference for pronouns. this got pretty long i’m super sorry i always try to keep it short n it never works sdfnskdjf ANYWAYS HERE’S MY BB i’m planning on plotting w every one of u but still like this post n i’ll come plot ♡

𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐬

name: august reyn age: 22 / senior gender: cismale ( he/him ) major: business + econ minor orientation: heterosexual / heteroromantic mbti: estp house: gryffindor ( 60% ) / slytherin ( 40% ) alignment: chaotic neutral

𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨

i haven’t uhh gotten around to a bio but i’ll also try to keep this as simple n concise as possible ??

death due to birth tw. baby boy is born as august tenold in los angeles, no dad in sight and mother passed. spent three/four days in the hospital until his grandmother finally made it across the country from new york to take him home to brooklyn where he would spend the next SEVENTEEN years.

they weren’t very well off and by that i mean that they had to sometimes worry about heat, leaks when it rained too much, warm water, so forth, but they were lucky enough to be able to afford a two bedroom.

BUT august never attended a public school once. before her death she had been promised the best education for their son, in place of a role in his life. grandma would take the train with august everyday, an hour and a half to school, and she luckily found a job near his school because the commute alone was a journey. three hour commute, five times a week, and by the time he was in fourth grade he could find his way to school himself.

it was at school that he saw such a stark difference in lifestyle. it only got worse as he got older and whatever they bought would only become more and more expensive. it was there he learned that there was power and influence in wealth when he would get detention for defending himself in a fight he didn’t start while the others got away with things because of family names.

after elementary school is when boarding school starts, where he only sees his grandmother during summer vacations because flights back home only to stay for winter break are too expensive. where he gets special permission to leave school grounds because he needs a job to earn some spending money.

grandma falls ill in the beginning of his sophomore year, but he’s so busy with school and they rarely see each other as it is ( only during the summers ), that he only finds out when he’s a junior becoming a senior. his entire summer is spent working to help pay rent for the apartment no one was living in, and then his nights at the hospital. the staff allow him a makeshift bed after he’s spent a week sleeping there, and as reluctant as he is, his grandmother tells him to go to school to continue his last year, and he obliges. she tells him she’ll be there for his graduation, and it becomes the last time he sees her.

she passes in the middle of his senior year and it’s quickly followed by news that he has a new guardian. his father, who can’t be older than thirty five years old, is geoffrey reyn, ceo of reyn enterprises ( think of wayne enterprises in that they literally have their hands in everything ). he’s come under some heavy fire recently and is not favored by the public, but what’s a better than a long lost son sob story to cover it up ??

violence tw. literally shows up to school the next day and the energy is different because he’s for once at the top of the pyramid. the same people who had tormented him for years step on his toes and he fights back knowing he has a bite to match his bark now. the first time he feels that smug feeling of power is when he leaves the principal’s office for the first time with just a tissue.

he’s dragged around places by his dad during that summer, asked about his new life, how much better it is than living in the shabby two bedroom apartment in brooklyn and not once asked about his grandmother or if he got to attend her funeral ( which he did not ). hurriedly having applied to ashcroft, he got in, and soon he was shipped off elsewhere.

child abuse and violence tw. relationship with his dad was always very violent, but august never took hits sitting down. august wasn’t the grateful puppet geoffrey had needed, and his dad was not a savior. there’s still a lot of constraint and control he tries to place on his son, however, even though years of failure have only confirmed he can’t be controlled. the last few years, however, had been running smoothly. business and econ were finally taken up as majors and minors, their interactions less turbulent, and this was all due to one thing: octavia.

so let’s backtrack a lillll so august first meets octavia when he's 17 where he’s working off the books the job his granny has ( cleaning up after classes at a prestigious ballet studio ) due to her back acting up. he becomes infatuated with her, her lifestyle, and they quickly grow closer. she builds some sort of greed within him to want to be good enough for someone like her, or maybe just her. he swears it, and then his granny passes. the next time he meets her is two years down the line at some gala his dad would insist he attend, and they spend the night stowed away in an empty ballroom, a bottle of champagne in hand and a secret kiss shared behind closed doors. she tells him she’s thinking of applying to ashcroft and he insists that she must, that he’d wait for her. the following year, he’s there to greet her on campus, and immediately they’re an item.

around all this time, his relationship with his dad is supperr rocky. every time they spoke they fought and when august hung up on him too much, he’d appear on campus ( an effective way of getting august not to hang up ). he’s met with octavia and her parents and he realizes the kind of status he has to uphold in order to date someone like her. he finally declares the major his father had chosen for him and understands it’s a choice he has to make to stay with her. he becomes much too obedient with his dad, knowing that the way to stay in favor with her parents would be to finally yield to what his dad wanted. so he becomes a proper heir, majoring in the correct field, taking his studies more seriously, acting and talking the right way. he falls in line to keep her, he gets along with everyone and it’s all because she dulls his sharp edges and he can lean on her. a lot of his life begins to warp around her, and that’s when his dad threatens to touch the thing that had been keeping the waters still.

geoffrey had been having complications in a business deal that octavia’s dad was refusing to agree to. with the knowledge of his crimes, getting rid of the other would be easy, and closing the deal even easier. not wanting to be tainted with such an image, he tells august to end things and even goes as far as to threaten her safety. there isn’t a doubt in august’s mind he’d follow through, knowing all the dirt on his new surname, and things with octavia come to an end, though they continue to keep seeing each other as she begins her new relationship.

has fallen into a bit of a depressive slump, even after the rest of the semester was given off to them. for the first few days afterwards, no one really sees him around. he spends his days locked up in his room, not touching his assignments and not answering to the house maids that knock on his door. he’s completely heartbroken because truly, he believed the rest of his life would be spent with octavia. then comes the anger almost immediately, because while alcohol and drugs allows him to ease the pain it doesn’t allow him to forget, and after coming to bail him out of jail three times, his father stops picking up the phone and cuts august off, taking his cards, cars, everything, unless there’s a promise to behave better. obviously his father is not someone he can come to lean on emotionally for this, and so he picks up other ways of easing the pain: alcohol, drugs, adrenaline, women.

her death is very heavily placed on him for an obvious reason ( she was the love of his life ) but it also comes with the struggle of finishing his degree. he’s so close to it, yet he feels like there’s really no reason for him to continue on with it. octavia had been the sole reason his relationship with his father had been steady. now that she’s out of the picture, there’s no need for a business degree, no need for a shining reputation, no need for whatever upper class bullshit. that’s the mindset that he’s in going into the last semester of college with, and whether he royally fucks up his future because of his grief or if he decides to push through because that’s what octavia would have wanted is up in the air.

so as usual i’m better at describing bg rather than personality so bear with me.

getting to know august is easy, because he makes it easy. he’s amiable, playful, witty, sarcastic to a fault, but he’s also pessimistic. without octavia’s light to balance it out he’s kind of let himself sink into that cynical mindset that has always been overbearing. unlike his father, however, his anger is always quiet, still, and strikes when least expected. there’s never a scene because there’s never yelling ( unless it’s to his dad ), always low voices that drip with threats and cold eyes that warn of something worse to come if the line keeps being tread. how his knuckles become bloody is always a mystery, because you never heard about august reyn getting into a fight until another kid showed up the next day with a black eye. now, there isn’t much that can be done to bring that out in him, but that’s the dangerous part that people always tell you to look out for. it’s because he always seem so easy going that people don’t ever see the darkness until it’s too late.

i did not do a good job at explaining his personality bc i never do sdfkjsndkf BASICALLY he’s?? p chill. always seems to have that easy look on his face. always looking for trouble and getting into it with the principal, or any authority figure tbh bc fuck them. looking for a good time and is always the one to hype up the party if it feels like it’s dying. lives off of adrenaline and nicotine. will call you out on your ignorant bullshit. hates rich people even though he’s one of them and will drag anyone at ashcroft that he sees abusing their power, even though he uses his name to get away with so many things. is the first person called in his friend group if there’s a fight going down. is soooo overly sarcastic that at times it sounds like he’s being serious. has serious eye rolling problems. doesn’t yell during fights but will yell during debates and get really heated.

#spectreintro #*/ 𝐡𝐞’𝐬 𝐚 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐦 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐨𝐧𝐞 — character study.#// sry i just?? had to use that gif #very fucking august #blood cw #bruise cw #forgive me for any typos i am the queen of not proof reading

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pronoova · 4 years

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15 Healthy Habits to Get Skinny Fast

Ever wondered what the nutrition secrets of athletes or celebrities are? Well now you don’t need to because below are 15 healthy habits to include into your get-in-shape regimen which will not only assist you to get skinny fast, but within the most healthiest way possible. For starters, change your attitude about food. Lastly, your goal to urge skinny should come second because it’s more important to enhance and maintain your overall health. confine mind the subsequent habits that have helped me stay track of my very own weight loss goals.

1. SAY “NO” TO A RIGID DIET

When most of the people start a diet, they typically eliminate foods or place certain foods as off-limits. you would like not to start a rigid diet for the purpose of depriving yourself of foods you're keen on. specialize in what you'll eat. I always say the key to the way to get skinny fast is accepting diets don’t work. you'll want to consult a nutrition expert and update your knowledge on foods laden with essential nutrients to assist correct years of poor diet.

If you retain labeling certain foods as off-limits, you finish up looking for them even more. ‘Not eliminating certain foods’ doesn't mean continuing to gorge on bad stuff, though. Regular consumption of meat-containing nutriment, as an example, can cause accumulation of LDL or bad cholesterol within the body. If you’re a coffee drinker or have an appetite, you would like not abruptly stop the caffeine or sugar intake. you'll make sugar an occasional treat, but not a diet staple. Eat (or drink) carefully, and confine mind other health tips, so read on.

2. FIND HEALTHY ALTERNATIVES FOR FAVORITE FOODS

Healthy food substitutes are often easily obtained. All-natural food stores in your neighborhood may offer a good assortment of healthy options which will replace old favorites and inflammation-causing and cholesterol-laden ingredients in your meals.

If you can't resist eating a slice of cake every day, choose a light-weight, flavorful, or maybe a sugar-free option. Just a couple of cautions, though. you'll be ditching high-fat foods and choosing low-fat products, but some food manufacturers have added sugar to form their offerings more palatable, causing some effects when consumed an excessive amount of, like making the body go haywire.

Avoid the pesky insulin spike which will be triggered by the consumption of straightforward carbohydrates. rather than eating polished rice every day, choose rice, a posh carbohydrate that has more nutrients, and can keep you fuller longer. Healthy fats also are important. rather than regular mayonnaise, choose a healthier condiment like mustard. to assist control blood glucose and support your weight loss plan, switch to safflower oil or other healthy cooking oils.

Instead of regular hamburger, you'll choose extra lean. Choose natural spread over reduced-fat spread which will contain more sugar and additives. If you always buy milk, switch to part-skim milk. rather than buying instant oatmeal, get the steel-cut type. rather than flavored yogurt, choose plain yogurt and add fresh fruit or two with a touch honey. Your body will enjoy the friendly bacteria.

The list goes on, when considering food substitutions. address authoritative health sites for a comprehensive guide to healthy substitution. albeit you’re eating out, you'll find healthier versions of your favorite foods.

3. DEVELOP A ROUTINE AND persist with IT

It is easy for many people to start a healthy eating plan, but follow-through is vital. you would like to convince yourself that you simply can lead an authentically healthy life, and it starts with a firm resolve to urge healthy & stay healthy. If you only tell yourself that you simply actually need to reduce and start eating carrots, greens, tofu, and rice, you would like to stay thereto a healthy eating plan. Online articles and videos may offer motivation and inspiration, but taking note of your body signals, realizing the advantages of healthy eating and feeling an entire lot better, depend upon you.

You can start developing an influence eating plan by knowing which foods offer you antioxidant protection, which of them can give brainpower boost, and which of them can energize. A high-performance nutrition plan may incorporate your old favorites, like mixing ice-cream as an example with a top-quality protein shake. the quantity of not-so-healthy stuff can gradually be reduced. Once your body gets familiar with healthier foods, you develop a taste for them and the likelihood is that, you'll not yearn for the unhealthy stuff.

Another routine you'll want to start out, after consulting together with your doctor, maybe a weight loss management program that’ll assist you attain a trimmer, healthier physique.

4. REDUCE STRESS

Keeping stress at a minimum can benefit your body in some ways. Stress, doctors say, inhibits the system. By beating stress, you retain illnesses corner. There are countless ways to scale back stress, like taking note of soothing music, yoga/meditation, getting a massage, or getting to the beach or another tranquil place. most of the people melt away stress by sleeping or hanging out with friends. Avoiding people that tend to empty your energy with their complaints and problems can also be an efficient thanks to reduce stress.

There are other natural ways to market relaxation, like twiddling with your pet, doing simple stretches, taking a stroll, and taking an opportunity from email, TV, cellphones, and other things that cause information overload.

When overwhelmed by numerous things to try to, hit the pause button. you'll break down an enormous task into small, manageable chunks, Being more conscious of stress triggers — be it money, co-workers or bosses, health issues, `toxic’ friends, and other factors — will assist you to manage them and reduce stress.

5. run through EMOTIONAL ISSUES CAUSED BY EMOTIONAL OBESITY

You may project a robust persona, but there could also be times once you don’t feel fine, otherwise you cannot seem to purge it all at once. you'll head home with feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, resentment, anger, or with feedback loops. rather than expending time on illusion or other non-productive stuff, you'll check out your own emotions and find how to repair what’s bothering you.

Problems linked to your interpersonal relationships that contribute to worry may prompt you to succeed in for comfort foods or overeat. this will cause weight gain. By learning the way to manage your emotional problems, you're in effect taking food issues and unhealthy weight gain out of the equation.

6. EAT CLEAN FOODS

Clean eating has far-reaching benefits. If you’ve long been eating convenience foods or foodstuff like burgers, all that food can end up to be your enemy. you'll begin to feel sick. Power eating is all about putting good food into our bodies. Think organic produce. Think pork from real pastured pigs with more omega-3s, and beef from grass-fed cows.

You can celebrate albeit you decide for all-natural or organic eats. Just mix them up a touch. rather than regular eggs, try free-range eggs with more micronutrients, cooked & serve with other healthy eats. Purchasing clean/wholesome foods could also be costly, but they really offer more bang for the buck.

7. HAVE AN ACCOUNTABILITY SYSTEM

When you’ve begun a weight loss regimen, remember that you simply are in charge of your own actions. A fitness trainer, a nutritionist, or a naturopathic doctor may assist you. you'll prefer to be a fit & trim product of your healthy decisions, instead of thinking that you simply are destined to be fat.

Once you determine an orderly and healthy eating plan, you'll devise other ways to achieve it. you'll use a pairing when understanding, to assist you not only to lose the surplus pounds but keep them off.

Once during a while, you'll get lax and desire to indulge a touch. A weight-loss partner may remind you of your goals, but the choice to succeed in a healthy weight ultimately depends on you.

8. CONTROL YOUR PORTIONS

For most people, portion control could seem easier said than done. Veer faraway from super-sized meals and upsize offers. At buffets, it is often pretty challenging to resist filling your plate with different sorts of food, but believe how sick you’ll feel if you gorge. Let several minutes pass after eating, before going back (if ever). When buying food at the grocery, read labels.

Remember that portion control is one effective thanks to blast fat, so try to not ignore this tactic which will cause a trimmer figure.

9. TRACKING FOOD

You can track your nutritional intake, which isn't just a matter of counting calories, using several ways. you'll jot what you often ingest during a food diary. you'll also use online tools to log and track your food consumption. By tracking what you eat, you'll more easily get the proper balance of nutrients

10. EXERCISE!

Much has been said about the myriad health benefits of exercising. Yet many of us, including those that want to urge skinny fast, need constant reminders about how incorporating regular exercise in their schedules won't only raise their metabolism and burn calories fast, but also improve their overall wellness. once you attain a particular level of fitness thanks to regular, vigorous activity, your mind also improves, and you are feeling more responsive & hooked into life. My favorite gadget to possess available is that the Fit bit (great gift idea!) because it can tell me how active I’ve been throughout the day. It tracks your steps, distance, and calories burned.

11. EAT EVERY FEW HOURS

Eating small meals frequently, which can be around five to 6 meals every day, can assist you control food cravings. It’s a time-tested technique employed by individuals concerned about their expanding waistlines. you'll make sure that each small meal you're taking has quality protein sort of a boiled egg. Complex carbohydrates like rice, a bit of fresh fruit or vegetable, also as nuts, are nutritious and filling options. eating small meals several times each day will help keep your blood glucose in check.

12. DETOXIFY YOUR BODY

Your body can better absorb the nutrients it needs if you’ve lightened up the toxic load. Expelling toxins from the body is often done by drinking many purified water and loading abreast of superfoods. Veggies like artichoke, cabbage, kale, carrots, and garlic help purge the liver of poisons.

Blueberries, beets, avocados, beans, seeds (like chia seeds), and nuts that contain important nutrients also help eliminate toxins from the body here also are detoxifying beverages, like tea, that aid in weight loss. crop on refined sugars, saturated fats, alcohol, and caffeine.

13. HYDRATE YOUR BODY

Staying hydrated keeps the body in good working condition. Drinking enough fluids, including purified water, protein shakes, tea, and freshly squeezed juices also help cleanse the body of poisons. Drinking many water also can suppress appetite and aid in weight management.

14. COOK reception

If you cook reception, you've got the whip hand in ensuring that you simply and your relations will get sufficient nutrients. Cooking reception also removes the worry about hidden ingredients like gluten, which can trigger an immune reaction.

15. NEVER STOP TRYING

If you’ve tried everything and zip seems to be working to blast fat, seek professional help. albeit you’ve ruled out health issues, don’t stop trying to succeed in a healthy weight.

There are products, foods, techniques, and experts who can guide you towards getting a trimmer, healthier body. Seek help or devise an all-natural plan tailor-fitted for you, but don’t throw discipline & determination out the door

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curlyshyy · 5 years

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New Apartment and the same anxious energy with a while lotta guilt and regret :) (A short story by me)

I love that when I’m too lazy and sad to pull out a journal I can come on here cuz no one looks at this shit. Why do I event still have a tumblr?

The last two nights have been rough for me, as I think new happy events trigger my brain into being sad and hating myself? Of course it’s nights where I’ve had to open the bar at 9 AM the next morning. I suppose that’s the first reason I hadn’t been able to sleep. I hate my job low-key. I once loved Alamo Drafthouse. Adored it even. Then moved to this shit hole in Norrh Richland Hills which is the furthest from the Alamo way, and I’m not valued. I feel like a fuck up everyday. In a lot of ways I am. I’m functioning with severe anxiety and most people don’t know or understand. I do stupid things when I’m having a panic attack, and these managers judge me hard. But here’s the thing I know in my heart, even when I hate myself, I’m a good worker, I’m kind, and will do anything for my coworkers and will eventually get really good at this job.im dedicated to say the least. I think that’s what matters most but for now they just see me as a fuck up, slow learner. I work my ass off though and they don’t see it. If I could work every second of everyday. Ifthis shit hole wasn’t trying to cut everyone’s hours cuz they’re not making any money, i’d work myself into physical exhaustion, like I’m so good at doing. Thats the only thing I can feel. It’s my only escape and I hate being there. This is a little dramatic. My life has been improving, and yes I know I need therapy. We been knew. My ass was anxious at 5 years old. Anxiety is truly hell, I wish I’d just force myself to hurry up and get help, and I wish I wasn’t poor. I wish my mom had saw how fucked I was and made me get help as a kid, but she did the best she could. Could blame the bitch but like, she has a hard enough time accepting and coping with her own mental illness. She hardly acknowledges it. That must be hard to lie to yourself everyday, and say that you just have to choose happiness.

The reason the last two nights have been shit is cuz I stayed up dreading going to work and being there all day and I hate the fuck out of mornings and waking up before noon. Which is why I like closing and usually have night shifts. Since the fucks cut my hours I gotta take what I can get though. I need a constant distraction at night cuz my brain is literally scary as fuck. I can’t even tell anyone about 95% of it. It’s so terrifying. So I usually distract myself with my phone. But I was like “hey, brain I know we’re anxious af and sad, but can we go to sleep?” To which my brain replied : “Remember this event from two years ago? Haha you’re a terrible person.” Then my body physically stiffend, I felt physically ill and my head ached and all I could do was think about past mistakes and everything that makes me a failure and bad person. Typical manageable anxiety for me at this fucking point, I’m just not gonna be able to sleep and I know it. Then I remember an old friend, I used to work with at Chili’s. Javi. Literally one of the very slim parts of the things that I don’t block out and cringe hard about when it comes to chili’s, are our times together. I block that shit hard. I mean just thinking about me in this time frame is enough to make me believe I’m terrible. I wasn’t right. I regret literally everything about chili’s. That place is a nightmare and probably what hell is going to look like when I arrive. anyways god damn. Javi is this sweet kind angel. We were all struggling at this mother fucking chili’s let me tell you. My dumb ass had just come back from vid con (2017) How did I afford that? I spent my rent money. Also I couldn’t afford to eat for like a week. But YouTube was and still is the only thing in this world that makes my brain feel calm. It’s a safe place for me. And I was dumb as shit. Anyway my dumb ass was already starving before Vidcon and could barely afford rent. :) cuz chili’s doesn’t pay well. So I was real fucked when rent came up and literally considered myself lucky when I found a packet of cheezits lying around, cuz that was a good meal to me at the time. I guess I’m telling my coworkers this and busting my ass all night bussing peoples tables and helping out as a hostess which of course paid jack shit. And I know I’m about to go home fucked another night, and Javi, pulls out the $165 dollars he made that night, and hands it to me. The boy had bills, and worked all night too. Who would ever be so kind-hearted to do such a thing. I of course refused, cuz what the fuck. He insisted. I said I was going to cry and he said “aw don’t cry Sheyenne, or I’ll cry too.” And hugged me. I was also super numb and depressed and wanted to be with Hannah so much, and honestly I don’t feel like I was my best self. I look at that person and I don’t feel like it was me. But I used it to pay rent. Still wasn’t eating and he even bought me food one day. Literal angel. I don’t know or remember if I expressed enough gratefulness. I don’t know if I was capable of expressing it. A couple months later he’s about to move to Idaho, and we have a goodbye dinner, and I figure this is a good time to repay him. I give him $100 which is all I could really do at the time, and try to tell him I think he’s one of the best people I’ve ever met. He leaves, and I think we only ever talked one time after that, and I offered to buy him pizZa but never did for some reason? We never really talked again. I alwyas momentarily remember him, but I really have chili’s and the person I was in 2017 so far blocked that I really can’t remember that shit. It’s so hazy. There isn’t a full day I can remember. Just tiny bits and pieces. For some reason two nights ago I remembered him vividly. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I felt panic and guilty as fuck. Paralyizying guilt. I felt like I should never deserve to enjoy anything ever again in my entire life. I felt terrible. I felt like if he ever struggled to make it or eat, then I should’ve been there for him. I stalked his fb, cuz I needed to know he was okay.

He doesn’t use social media too much. His mom however posts about him a lot. Which confused me because I know they have a strained relationship, and he could have a lot of help from his mom, but I think he resented the help, because they didn’t always get along? I don’t know how fucked she was to him though. What fb told me was she paid for him to come every few months. He has a new girlfriend that he seems very happy with, he seems happy in general. He’s smiling in pics. But that’s social media. At best pictures his moms posting. I felt like I needed to know or I was going to have a breakdown. I don’t have his phone number for some reason, so I snapped him a long message. Usually I’d feel crazy to reach out especially when we Weren’t that close but I just needed to. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t sleep. Then opened at work. The shake machine of course was fucked and I had to put it back together correctly only after shake mix poured everywhere. That’s just my life. Me doing something out of panic, and then having to redo it after looking like a dumb bitch. I truly learn from fucking up. I’m wired so fucking wrong. He finally responds once I’m off work. I read it. It’s not what I need to hear but it’s decent, and proves he doesn’t hate me. He tells me he’s good, but working at Taco Bell, and I know he’s still struggling which makes me sad, but I guess I’ve been struggling to, so I shouldn’t hold myself accountable for not reaching out. I’ve been so poor, and me and Hannah are just now catching up, and taking a breather after 2 years of struggling. I let my mind rest though because he’s alive and he’s eating and has a girlfriend and family who are looking out for him. Until the next night when I should be exhausted from no sleep. The guilt starts eating away at me again. I feel like I shoukdve sent him more money,but after a while I stopped thinking about it because of all that I was going through and that made me feel selfish. I felt that I owed him for my entire life. Maybe I blocked out how much he and his kinda gesture meant to me because anything regarding chili’s, is so far removed, and maybe that super vivid memory, is what I needed to remind me. I’ve also been struggling heavily with my mental health and off and on numb most of the time, so it is possible that I wasn’t as grateful as I could’ve been or at least didn’t properly show gratefulness. So I once again reached out and also sent $20. I really went for it this time. I said I literally need to know you’re okay and happy, and for you to know how special you are and sorry if this sounds crazy dog. Like I must’ve seemed fucking insane but I needed him to know. I don’t know why it was physically paining me so much. Maybe because of all the roommates and so called friends who disappeared without paying rent and left me fucked with no second thought of how I’d eat tomorrow. I just couldn’t bare to think that, He was out there roughing it, maybe Skiping a meal, (like Hannah and I’ve had to so so many times thanks to people who literally could give a fuck less.) After he was there when I needed help. He ended up telling me he didn’t need money, and that he did what he did because he was my fiend, and he even apologized that I didn’t have any friends at the time that would’ve helped me the way he did. He apologized. He told me that I deserved it. That really calmed me. I guess I forgot the good that I did because I just remember the bad. I guess I didn’t think about the positive effects I had on him. That I must’ve done something right for someone to care so deeply that they just handed me that kind of money, after a long shift. He saw that, and maybe he felt he owed me in a weird way. I still feel like I owe him. I wish I’d talked to him sooner. Genuinely good people are hard to find. Who tf would do what he did? Seriously. I am so glad I reached out though.

It worries me though. How small past events can trigger me so hard. It’s a snowball effect. Anxious about work, life, who I am, past mistakes, and it’s paralyzing and hurts my entire body and keeps me from sleep and makes me feel undeserving of a good life or any enjoyment. I really need to get help because it’s getting to an unmanageable point, like it was after I graduated 3 years ago. It scares me that so many past memories are blocked expect for bad ones and bits and pieces. It scares me that, there has never been a completely care free 100% happy period of my life, that lasted longer than a couple days, and now as an adult it’s an even shorter amount of time. Genuine happiness is rare and make men feel pointless. I’m empty most of the time and want things and have the capacity to work hard and achieve them but also feel that I don’t deserve them. I am capable of happiness and some days, I do feel genuinely happy even if it doesn’t last the whole day. My family and Hannah still have a lasting impact on me and even when I’m an unfeeling zombie, I still know love, and numbness makes it hard to feel but somehow not entirely impossible. Little bits of light get through the cracks, and in some ways I’ve gotten better at managing my brain, and I truly don’t want to die or think I deserve to like I once did. The guilt attacks and fears of being bad, and some how accidentally hurting someone emotionally or physically, still fuck my head up because I could never hurt anyone intentionally and feel guilt for any small pains caused alwyas. I wish I could take back many wrong words and hurtful actions done and said to loved ones, but I can’t but it’s okay because they forgive me, so I can forgive myself too. I have to let go of the past.

This really creeped in again because I started to feel excited about a fresh start and our apartment. My brain tries to tell me I don’t deserve it. I deserve to decorate with Hannah, and to allow myself happiness so that I can be happy and enjoy life and be a better girlfriend. I also need to get a new job that doesn’t make me feel like the scum of the earth.

A part from that all I’m feeling a lot better. I’m off tomorrow. I watched Phil’s new video and it made me feel hopeful, proud and nostalgic. YouTube and the youtubers that have been the stand ins for the lack of friends, have comforted me, inspired me, and put my brain to rest, and assured me I’m not as weird and alone as I think I am. That’s why I want to do YouTube. It’s a tough though. Editing takes a lot of time and I want to make things I’m proud of. I want to make music even though I’m bit a musician, I want to keep writing and actually read again like free 12 year old me did. I read and wrote so much then. I want to be that me again. I want to reach other people and help them feel less alone, I want to make a difference and I want to not feel like a failure. I just need to get past all of this guilt and I really think this is the start of that, and my journey to creating.

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beggarwaste9-blog · 4 years

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mikazukikannagisjourney · 5 years

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A Deeply Personal Post about Suicide

A very personal and dark post about depression, its relapse, and suicide**

*you have been warned*

**A post with a whole lotta trigger warnings~ STAY AWAY if you can’t, or if you must. Otherwise, thank you for taking your time reading. This is not clickbait, and definitely not for the faint-hearted. You have been warned. Don’t blame me for any negative effects**

Yes, there, I have said it. I always had the urge to write this down but I kept getting depressed over and over and I really can’t write it if I’m still in that dark, constricting place. But I am so far OK so I shall be posting this stuff. If this post prevents at least, or even just one person from taking their own life and gets a new lease in life then my broken and torn heart will have its peace. It’s harder to live and easier to die. But if you’re spiritually awakened, then the commitment to stay alive is even more pressing. I salute you for staying alive. You can do it!

OK, that’s enough cheery stuff for now. Anything beyond this point can turn dark and ugly in a manner of letters so again, if this is a strongly-triggering topic for you, and you can’t face it, that’s ok. Just stay away, till you think you can handle this. Also I wrote this on the morning of August 28, 2019 but I also had to purge the energies on this post so it would be healing more than destructive, so it pops up a day later as a queued post.

Edit: accidentally clicked POST instead. Not that I mind, I was gonna anyway. Divine realm kept nagging me so.. here you go. 😆

I *MAY* HAVE BEEN BATTLING DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS SINCE I WAS A CHILD

I don’t think I have the need to completely spell out what depression is because again, the internet can do that for you. I will just focus on how it was, and is still manifesting in my life. But how did it materialized in my life then? Well... Mostly I just internalized all of my demons. If I was angry or upset or I feel envy or jealousy, I just sucked it all in. My household growing up was a battlefield of emotional suppression, thus I can’t cry, throw a tantrum, even laugh out loud for being too happy. What’s even more ironic is that I am actually a very emotional person, which made a whole lot of sense once I understood my natal astrological, human design, and gene key charts. So even if my sun was in Gemini and my ascendant in Libra, I pretty much have all the water signs in my chart as well, along with having a strong sacral center that thrives on generating emotionally-charged energy, and that’s where the waterworks come from. Thus the fact that I’m a Gemini cry-baby who gets too-emotional at just about anything makes perfect sense now.

But back to the subject at hand: Emotional Suppression caused my mental instability and depression. Because each time I had to stop expressing what I feel deep inside, I feel like I kept killing a part of me. Each time I kill a part of me, a gaping hole in my heart and soul would grow even larger. Like literally I feel chest pains as a child, which of course don’t show up on laboratory exams and thus I have been deemed healthy, a lot. I already started wanting to kill myself around 7 years of age, because I was forced to grow up quickly so I could take care of my siblings and myself. I really hated myself and the world a lot because I can’t do what I want and I can’t have anything I want, among other things. I mostly play alone, which was fine until the thoughts of wanting to die keep coming up. Maybe for some people these things are nothing, and they’ll start bragging about their own difficulties and that’s OK, I mean, what you feel will always ring true to you, no matter what the world tells you. The brain can lie to you, but your heart and your emotions never will. Feelings and emotions are always true, and what you feel is always valid. If something hurt you or made you happy, it’s because you have those things inside you. If people trigger you deliberately, then that’s on them. If you get triggered by other people, well that’s a whole other matter... BUT, whatever you do when acting under that feeling or emotion is entirely up to you, and you cannot blame other people for making you act in certain ways. Remember, YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE IN YOUR ACTIONS, THUS THE CONSEQUENCES ARE ALSO OF YOUR OWN DOING. The bottomline is: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GLOB DON’T PLAY DOWN WHAT I AM WRITING HERE AND SAY THAT I’M IN THE WRONG. This entire thing is a personal account, and it’s mine. I get to write this thing because the whole thing is based on what I have experienced. *see? I told you I easily get emotional lol*

I got sidetracked, I apologize. OK, now back to regular programming

Anyway, thoughts of killing myself got even more intense, especially with not meeting parental expectations as well as neglect, abandonment, and rejection issues that popped up as time went on. To be honest though, I was, and still am a bit surprised that I haven’t taken my own life then, and up to this point. Either it’s because I am highly-sensitive to pain *my pain threshold is quite low*, or because I am still trying to find ways to kill myself without the hassle or pain. Basically I fear pain more than death. I guess that’s one of my major motivators for not choosing to end it yet. I just hate physical pain in all forms, even more so right now. So even if it kills me inside, I try to live one day at a time. Back then, I had to live because my siblings need me to cook their food, and I had to do my sister’s homework (she has autism spectrum disorder, which my parents just chose to ignore because they have no idea how to interact with special needs).

How is depression connected with suicide? Well, for one thing the hopelessness, helplessness, feeling worthless, or thinking that living is not worth it can just push a person to the edge. I am quite familiar because I have lost a sizeable number of people ranging from relatives to friends, to classmates and even a work trainee from suicide. I haven’t even counted those who died from natural deaths, those who got killed either in combat or by rebels, or through illnesses. The suicide-related ones just affect me so much because I felt survivor’s guilt, because I haven’t ended my life yet and these “seemingly-happy” people did. My stomach got all knotted up right now, just thinking about it. Especially when I recalled the trainee that killed themselves due to depression. I didn’t mentor them personally but I sorta felt that this person had depression and again, I didn’t reach out. Even then when I was already aware of being an empath and all that jazz. I just gave myself a break after sometime because to be honest, I had no idea how to heal others back then. So... Yeah. But still, survivor’s guilt is real.

RELAPSE ISSUES CONCERNING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS (HOW I HAD THEM)

This is the part where I will be explaining based on my own experiences why some people who were openly-depressed that “seemed” to have gotten a lot happier and brighter suddenly end their own lives with no warnings. Not sure about other people’s ideas, living or dead, but for me, it’s all about the relapse.

Depression relapse, that is. You may be much more familiar with alcoholics or drug-addicts who went to rehab, got all better *or so it seems* but then goes to relapse and either ends up getting even more addicted or worse, having an overdose and dying. Well, again, this is based on my own experiences but for me, because I am not on any kind of medication for my chronic depression so naturally, despite all my conscious efforts on fending it off, it comes back, with a vengeance. All the pain that I feel, all the thoughts that consume what small speck of happiness I have left become even stronger than before, and whatever I did to relieve myself of the pain just stop working no matter how many times I do it. Everything just feels sucky and my pains do not get relieved. I just cry and cry and let the wave pass, allowing a bit of relief, but then they just come back in waves of endless and bottomless anger and feelings of doom and gloom. It feels like I’m forever falling into the abyss of nightmares and frankly, the only solution I see clearly at that point is again, killing myself. Again, because I’m scared of pain, I did whatever I can to escape the pain, thus me ending up learning a lot of bankable and unbankable skills that, quite frankly amused some people I meet once the depression has been controlled somewhat and I got to socialize again.

If I survive long enough to at least raise my happiness levels a bit, I can continue to live, even for a day. I just tell myself “Well, I guess I’ll just have to die another day.” For each time that I tried to escape my pain and my urge to kill myself, I find something new to experience, learn, and have fun with. Thus, the skills I have, the dumb experiences I had, the movies and shows I gave so much of my love to, the ties to people I hold dearly, were not only borne out of a small curiosity, but mostly to prevent myself from ending my life right now. I don’t know how people will react to that, but for me, my hobbies, my passions, are not just due to the fact that these things are worthwhile. For me, these are my LIFELINES. If I didn’t have them, I MIGHT HAVE DIED A LONG TIME AGO. These are also the reasons why despite how many people or the public would shame other people for having weird hobbies or passions, I just let them be happy. I like seeing passionate people, because not only do they look so happy and pure, but also because for me, that might also be their lifeline. So that they CAN STAY ALIVE, because LIFE SUDDENLY HAS MEANING. And who am I to tell them what they or what they cannot do? *unless it’s illegal or hurts other people deliberately, or both. I have limits*

And... Unfortunately, for some of the people who took their own life out of their own accord they may not have been fully aware of it, but when they got out of the funk, they might have thought that YES I AM NOW FREE FROM ALL THAT GUNK. I’M GONNA BE HAPPY, I CAN LOOK FORWARD TO THE FUTURE, ETC. ETC. but noooope, depression is pretty clingy. It comes at the most inconvenient time, right about the time when you thought you’re almost at your goal, or at the time when you feel like you’re about to have that breakthrough. Once anybody who has been recovering from depression falls back into it, the urges, the pain, everything just gets even worse. Everything sucks maybe a hundredfold compared to last time, maybe a million times more. Everything just feels so overwhelming, and heavy, and it cuts through your entire being. The way out just got caved in and now there is no way out other than suicide. THAT FEELS AND SEEMS LIKE THE ONLY WAY. And for some of these people who actually take the plunge and succeed, this is the part where their loved ones who were left behind would comment things like “But I thought they were happy.. They were looking forward to the future.. They had so many plans.. They weren’t showing any signs...” etc. etc. Of course they won’t, and they probably had plans. If anything, they probably wanted to get out of the funk for the rest of eternity. BUt DEPRESSION IS ONE CLINGY F****R my friends, seriously. It is. It will slam everything in your face if it isn’t properly handled, either though holistic means or modern medicine methods, it will certainly choke out the light of any person who just do not have the means to fight it, let alone keep it at bay. Especially when it gets pushed aside. A lot. Each time you succeed at pushing it away or dealing with it, if it creeps into your being, even through just a small crack, it comes to you with a force stronger than a wrecking ball. It’s more of an avalanche. And it will bulldoze anything away till the entire path has been completely covered. Still scary as heck. Thus with each round of its return, it gets more and more strong, thus the need for better ways of fending it off. Or better yet, just facing it head on by all means necessary.

FACING (MY) DEPRESSION HEAD-ON (BY ALL MEANS NECESSARY)

Disclaimer: Again, before I start this section, I will remind everyone that this entire post is all my personal experiences as well as my own opinions on this matter, so please do not take this as a medical or health advice. You can take this as a spiritual advice and you can even ask me about it. I’m glad to help. Other than that, please seek professional help. BY ALL MEANS NECESSARY. I am not responsible for any losses of any kind due to following my own personal methods here, any bodily harm or mental injuries sustained by the end user are done of their own accord, and I am not liable for such losses. Everything here with regards to methods are RISKS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

OK. Now that’s out of the way, I will now write here how I deal with my own depression and suicidal thoughts,assuming that I’m still here. I’m not saying that I will not kill myself yet, but I am fully aware that other things can kill me and therefore those won’t count. Also, I haven’t watched the entire Fantastic Beasts franchise yet, and my need-to-watch anime and series lineup is still long, plus Avatar The Last Airbender is gonna be on Netflix next year so nope, I still need to live.

Kidding aside, here is what I USED TO DO whenever the relapse comes in full-swing:

Binge-watch anything I’m interested in

Binge-read whatever is available

Binge-doing whatever activity I’m into at the moment (drawing, reading Tarot cards, learning Japanese, cooking weird food, etc.)

Binge-like anything on my tumblr feeds

Get super-obsessed with the canon and headcannon biographies of fictional characters (Hi wikia and AO3 lolol)

Cry and cry and cry even if I don’t know why (It doesn’t even matter how hard I try lolol did you sing that part in your head lol kidding I am trying to lighten up things here)

Of course, after doing all of these, I eventually end up wanting to die because the problem or the cause of my depression remains unsolved. Notice that I didn’t put “contacting close friends” or “connecting to loved ones” there. Because I don’t. I was never raised to ask for help, I was raised to do shit alone. And that also killed a huge part of me because quite frankly, I know that I need help but whenever I tried to reach out I get put-out or shushed, so eventually I never bothered to ask for any help. I just stuck it out all alone. While this method is typically great for doing GROUP PROJECTS by yourself (and cursing the other members out loud or in your head), this is definitely NOT ADVISABLE when dealing with mental health issues. Of course I didn’t know these back then, there was no internet, I didn’t have friends or relatives to talk to, plus I had no idea (or the people around me for that matter) that I was actually depressed. At 7 years old. Maybe 6. Around that time. This was in the early 90s.

But in this day and age, thanks to the internet, more and more information can be shared. Even better is that support groups are actually available, and you can join forums too, so people get to share so many stuff. Of course, I tried that, and it worked for about 6 months before I realized that in most groups I joined in, they weren’t exactly dealing with the depression in the most empowering way, so I got stuck in the victim mentality for a very long time. And the cycles of off-on depression mode kept getting worse each time. That’s when I decided to do things differently, and again, without drugs. FACING THE DEMONS IN MY HEAD is what I call it.

These are currently my go-to combination of methods when dealing with a depression relapse:

Shadow Work - Originally by Carl Jung, the principle is basic: identify the parts of yourself that you rejected due to external pressure, and heal them by understanding why it was rejected and suppressed, releasing the emotional charge by crying it out or something to that effect, and accepting that rejected part fully and without any regret. These aren’t the exact steps by Jung, but I just modified the method for myself. It’s pretty harsh because you need to face past trauma without any emotional attachments, and well, it can also do more harm than good. Only recommended to be done with a professional. Unless you’re a masochist. Just search the internet for Carl Jung and Shadow work for more info, I’m sure it’s quite famous.

Inner child healing - same as previous, but this time focusing more on the inner child (duh). Usually anything that persists for me, I would readily attribute to inner child issues so I would go to that part of myself and relive the trauma. Then pat my inner child and hug her till I stopped crying. By the way, crying is definitely included in almost every step. It’s soothing and also is a great way to transmute trauma. Provided that you’re fully aware of how the trauma happened and you’re able to release it fully. Again, if symptoms persist, consult a professional.

Kundalini Yoga and Meditation - amazingly there are many methods or kriyas and some are for dealing with depression. I call this method “killing two birds with one stone”, mainly because you get a real hard-core workout especially the upper body, and you lift your spirits up. Just search the internet for various methods, but I think 3HO is the one-stop shop for binge-reads. Again, crying is very much a part of this method because at some point, it will all just flow out.

Sound therapy - crystal singing bowls, gongs, tingshas, binaural sounds, isochronic music, subliminal messages, the works. I usually go to Youtube and just binge whatever I need at the moment. Sometimes I feel at peace, other times I just randomly cry. It just happens.

Energetic healing - again, there are numerous methods. I usually go for Reiki since it works for me, and because I can channel a bit more energy either from the original video or music, or on my own. Crying is again, an optional but very helpful step.

Emotion Code - This is the latest method I have learned, and tried. Created by Dr. Bradley Nelson, this method allows suppressed emotions, those you experienced yourself as well as the ones you inherited to be released from your body. You only need this chart, a fridge magnet, and determination. Also crying, if you can.

The stuff in my WHAT I USED TO DO list. - Seriously, self-healing depression is a very tiring and exhausting activity. Please, by all means, make yourself happy. In fact, YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY TO SURVIVE THIS GRUELLING ACTIVITY. Whatever means necessary. Don’t worry, I won’t judge.

Other methods I tried in the past:

Parts work - It is like Shadow Work, but the rejected parts of your self have different age groups. I discovered it before Shadow work and for a while I tried my best to do it, but I still didn’t mesh with it after 2 months so I did Shadow Work instead. Maybe I’m just not cut out for it. I recommend the late Pete Gerlach’s website for more info and even methods and stuff. Super-educational, with some drawbacks. Still it maybe useful for others so please take a look.

Diet adjustments - Some say that food and nutrition affects moods,and maybe yeah, because many foods do create metabolites that become converted into chemicals that eventually become hormones. But for me, it didn’t work as well as the other methods. I mean, I eat a lot of veggies and fruit even before I was depressed and spritually awakened, and quite frankly nothing in this area changed me so I don’t include this in my list.

Again, note that I still haven’t included talking to other people in my list. Because again, I just can’t accept help properly, and I still want to do things on my own. HOWEVER, I tell the people I care for the most and also care for me that I HAD a depression relapse. I tell them after I won the battle, even for that moment. It kinda helps a lot. But this time I don’t want to energetically tie myself to others, I have to transmute my own shit so people won’t have to get mine. I also shield myself so their stuff won’t stick to me. It’s how I understand how karma should be worked out of our systems, it’s a DIY thing. Otherwise you just add more karma on top of your own.

Well, I don't know how to end this post, apart from the fact that this is still an on-going process for me. Case in point, honestly I am literally crying right now as I type this last part out. It took me 5 hours to type and it's a post worth almost my entire life so far, but I hope it's all worth it, for anyone who needs help in any way. I am not glorifying depression or suicide or even addictions here, I am putting this out there as information. This post has been at the back of my mind since the Lion's gate but I relapsed and I just got back so I could write it as orderly as I can. So please, I hope this post won't be misquoted or skewed or even be taken out of context. Again, this is mostly for educational purposes only. Especially when you feel like you're in the dark night of the soul.

Anyway, I hope this was helpful in any way possible. If you need any help *spiritual and/or energetic only, not a doctor guys* just shoot a comment or a message, and I'll see what I can do.

I hope you find the healing you seek. In love and hugs from Source above.

Mikazuki

三日月

**Special Note: While this whole thing is free to heart, share, attach a link-back of the original html (href, if you know what I mean), and to cite in any style (APA, MLA, Turabian, etc.) around 10-20% of its content, please, under any circumstances, FOR THE LOVE OF GLOB DO NOT COPY AND PASTE AND DECLARE THIS AS YOUR OWN. These are my own personal experiences, basically these are parts of myself that I need to transmute in order to heal. However, as this is already an output it is now included in the do-not-steal-entirely-or-else sections of the internet. Especially for people who just simply steal other people’s work as their own. I used to work as an editor and even now I do my best to cite sources, or at the very least insert links to sources that I actually used. Be respectful of content creators, large or small. Don’t take away from us the things that we made with all of our hearts. Those are the only things that help keep us up. Also, because you have no right do that you know. And just a reminder, Karma is a real b****. Just saying. Thank you very much for understanding. PS. If you found the information in this post to be very helpful, insightful, and of great value to you and your own personal journey, please feel free to reblog, share and heart/like, or if you feel super-generous, energetic exchanges are welcomed! Please click here and use this email address: [email protected] you so much and be blessed!

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wnq-psychology · 6 years

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How To Build Your Self Esteem

step away from the affirmations

“To be healthy, functioning individuals, we need to feel good about ourselves. To feel good about ourselves, we need to feel that our time and energy is spent meaningfully. Meaning is the fuel of our minds. When you run out of it, everything else stops working.”

Most of us struggle with self esteem. Many of us are fortunate enough to realize this, and some of us care enough to try to fix it.

The problem, however, is with the majority of the resources available to us — especially online. I am pretty sure these articles are 100% written by people who have serious self esteem issues, regurgitated from everyone else who has self esteem issues, on down the cycle to readers with self esteem issues, who think it’s just their fault for not being able to apply them and successfully boost their self esteem.

But of course not. Because none of this is how self esteem works.

First, let’s talk about what self esteem ISN’T:

Self esteem is not selfishness or narcissism

Having to say this makes me impatient, because if people don’t innately “get it,” they fight it blindly, emotionally, tooth and nail. And I understand, because there are a lot of emotions on the line here (see: entire post) so I’m just going to tread lightly and quickly when I say:

Self love and self esteem are not selfishness.

On the contrary, selfish people have desperately low self esteem and self love, which is why they overcompensate, demand, and have nothing left to give others.

Self esteem is not a series of “dont’s”

Most self esteem articles cheerily suggest things like, “Don’t have the negative self talk. Don’t compare yourself to others. Don’t put yourself down. Don’t doubt yourself,” like “just don’t have low self-esteem!”

These aren’t solutions.

The brain struggles with the word “don’t,” and when you focus on the negative, you’re still focusing on the thing. The brain interprets the sentence as an imperative, like: “ah, okay, negative self talk. Got it!” The brain is baby Groot.

The way we talk to ourself is a reflection of self esteem, not the root. It’s effect, not cause. It helps, of course, but it’s not the core. And fixing the core will fix the way we think and talk about ourselves.

Nature abhors a vacuum. If you don’t have something positive at the ready, the old stuff will just rush back in.

Self esteem does not come from others

It’s not anyone’s job to make you feel good about yourself. It can only come from you.

Some articles suggest that readers should “learn to accept compliments” — several even went so far as to suggest that you approach others and “ask them what they like about you.”

Trying to build self esteem through “others’ compliments” is like trying to learn how to walk by being carried.

Only you control of your self-acceptance and self-love.

Self esteem is not in “self help”

This is just an extension of the above.

Self help reinforces perceptions of inferiority and shame. It plays on insecurities and fabricates solutions that don’t serve real needs. It encourages avoidance.

It’s like how MayoClinic convinces us we’re dying more than it actually, directly remedies health problems. Engaging will eventually make us absorb all these negatives. We are not more powerful than what we give attention.

Self help just replaces one external influence for another. We’re still grasping for some authority figure, some omnipotent voice, to tell us what to do.

This of course includes this very post. Which is ironic, but at least honest and warm-hearted, because I wrote this only after doing tons of similar reading myself, and I write hoping we all resolve this.

Self help will never help

When I was getting my business off the ground, in the 3 dark months of “white noise” after quitting my job but before getting my first customer, isolated and running mostly on “faith” alone, someone asked me, “what kind of music do you listen to during the day?” I told them, “on good days, upbeat music. On bad days, chill music. And I know it’s an ugly day when I resort to motivational videos on YouTube.”

Those videos got me nowhere — except maybe through the day.

You want to know what finally kicked my self esteem back into gear? When I started making sales. Once that happened, I never watched another motivational, “self-help” video.

Self esteem is not about “pampering”

My god, if we could all stop with the “indulgences” and “little day to day pleasures;” if only we could stop thinking “self love” is about “treating ourselves,” or “scheduling time every day for fun and relaxation.”

Heidi Priebe said it best,

“Real self-love isn’t about ‘treating yourself’… because real self-love is less about babying yourself and more about parenting yourself.”

Good parents don’t indulge children with candy each time they cry. Good parents support, teach coping mechanisms, and gently encourage growth.

This is what loving ourselves means as well. It’s not about daily indulgences. It’s identifying and pursuing our longterm values.

Self esteem is not about affirmations

Fuck writing down all your best qualities.

I don’t know who came up with this terrible advice, but it’s pretty much useless. Consider, for a moment, the most genuinely confident person you know — do they sit down every day and write down their best qualities? Maybe they do, but I doubt it.

Confident people don’t do this. And people don’t magically become confident doing it. Only self-doubting people get stuck in this compulsive loop.

Self love is not about affirmations.

As Heidi Priebe wrote,

“Claiming to love yourself and actually doing the hard work of loving yourself are not the same thing… You can repeat a thousand affirmations an hour, write a limitless number of blog posts about how you’re worthy of love and stick millions of post-it notes reminding yourself how awesome you are on every mirror in your house, but that only gets you 10% of the way to self-love.”

Except it’s more like 0%.

The real solution is: agency, awareness, authenticity, and action.

What self esteem IS:

Step 1.) Self esteem is agency

Self love is taking responsibility.

So many terrible articles encourage readers to keep self esteem at the mercy of external forces, prompting them to “think about what is affecting your self-esteem,” and suggesting “your confidence may have been lowered after a difficult experience or series of negative life event, such as: being bullied or abused, losing your job or difficulty finding employment, ongoing stress physical illness, mental health problems, a difficult relationship, separation or divorce.”

No. To this entire list: no.

I’m not saying that bad shit didn’t happen to you — it probably did. Because bad things happens to everyone. But life isn’t about playing the victim, or comparing notes on who suffered most. Life has negatives in the cards for everyone — even the most confident people you know — and the only difference between those with self esteem and those without it is that the first group chose to take responsibility for their lives, their responses, and their actions.

So when it comes to thinking about “what is affecting your self-esteem,” the answer is always “you.”

You are in control of your self esteem. That’s the entire list, beginning to end.

you are in charge. you are in charge. you. are. in. charge.

Step 2.) Self esteem is awareness

This is super important, and we don’t talk about it enough.

Get out of your damn head. Be present.

Stop slipping away. Stop shutting down. Stop freezing and falling silent any time you’re uncomfortable, or unsure, or anxious. Stop reminiscing on the past, or thinking about the future, or wandering around, mentally, anywhere that you actually aren’t.

I wrote pretty openly about struggling with this myself, and the fact that I’m currently working on it, so I speak from a place of empathy and love.

We do this is because we’ve learned that “shutting down” offers security — it’s “easier” if we don’t engage; we think there’s less risk.

But what we give up in exchange every time we do this is moments of our own lives. Which is why, in those brief moments we pull our head out of the sand, we’re filled with panic to realize we don’t like what we’re living. But then most of us respond by seeking reassurance (see “self help,” above — “you can do it!”) or solutions we don’t take, and ultimately shut it back down.

The first step? Awareness of your breathing. Second, awareness of your body in space; what you’re physically feeling. From there, you’ll become more aware of what you’re emotionally feeling as well. Accept these emotions as they come to you.

Wake up. Be aware of what you’re doing and where you are all the time. And most importantly: be aware of what you feel and think about it…

Step 3.) Self esteem is authenticity

It’s knowing what we actually want.

This is probably the hardest part. It’s also really important.

Because “nature abhors a vacuum,” if self esteem isn’t coming from external sources, but us instead, then we have to do the work of identifying what wewant and need — in that vacuum, without regard to others. (Note: just like the “selfish” section, that is not meant to read as “without regard for others.” We should still be considerate. But able to say what we want (or think or feel or need) without having to first ask, “well but what do others want?”)

Self esteem is answering “what do I think?” without first asking “what do others think?” This is harder than people realize, especially because it’s so ingrained.

I was recently thinking about what I wanted to do for Valentine’s Day, and initially could not answer this question— did I really want to go to dinner, or did I just like the way that sounded? Did I really want flowers, or did I just hope they’d serve as some security; some certainty that this was special? Did I really even want to do anything? Sometimes we do things we don’t evenreally want, but doing what “sounds good” saves us the risk of regretting having not done something come the morning of the 15th.

(In the end, what I wanted was a cookie from our favorite local bakery. We go together all the time and they put out these seasonal designs that are so adorable I could die. And then, like a good partner, I said in clear words that that’s what I wanted.)

We do this with everything. We pick where to travel, what to buy, and where to eat based on other people — our order at restaurants is influenced by others’, and we eat more in the presence of people we’re trying to impress. We often choose clothing, cars, houses, and hobbies couched in “what others think.” And sadly, we often even choose jobs and partners this way.

Sometimes we’re asked: “What would you do if you could not fail?”

And that’s great, but an equally great question is: “What would you do if you could not tell or be told by anyone?”

Would you get married if you had to go on telling people you weren’t? Would you drive the same car if nobody saw? Would you do the same thing on your weekends if you couldn’t frame it up as “how it retells on Monday morning?” Would you vacation in the same places if nobody knew?

Would you still be doing the same job and have the same partner if you had to tell people you had a totally different job and partner, both of which they deemed “unimpressive?”

What do you want? Not just in the moment, but in the long-run. What areyour values? What is your version of long-term happiness?

If that’s too hard or scary to speculate: start with a chunk of lifestyle now. Not your leisure time, but your actual life. When, for example, are you happiest at work? If your answer has anything to do with others (i.e., “when I get recognition,” “when I get a raise,” “when I win a deal,” or “when I help others,” you need to look again, for answers that serve you.) Maybe you don’t even like your work. That’s for you to explore.

If you’re struggling here and you just want more “help” on “how to do it:” you are missing the point entirely (and probably also missing the alarm bell that should be going off in your head.) This work fundamentally cannot be done by anyone else. This work is you. Do the work.

If you are so far gone that you still feel lost knowing what you want onany level: you skipped self awareness. You’re not paying attention. See “step 2” for further instruction.

Skipping this step is why “just do it!” doesn’t help

Our struggle (and reluctance) to find answers is why “advice” like “just do it!” or “just try things and see what you like” is met with apprehension at best, and disaster at worst. (If you aren’t in touch with what you actually want, and what your happiness feels like, there’s no way of even knowing if you like what you’re trying, and without this skill set, you’ll just keep falling back on “but it sounds cool” or “it’s what people do.”)

You can’t know what you love if you don’t know what love feels like, and you’re so out of touch with your own feelings you don’t know what it is.

We have to actually know who the hell we are, and what we want. Experimenting and taking action is second-grade reading level and we’re still learning letters over here.

Step 4.) Self esteem is action

Only once you understand what you want — what really makes you happy — in the long run.

Action is about making decisions. It’s about committing. It’s about choice and assertiveness and asking for the things we want and need. It’s about taking steps, and thinking, and coming to our conclusions — and then verbalizing them.

It’s also about being aware. It’s about being alert and awake and active in our own lives — not passive, compliant, or submissive.

As Nathaniel Branden wrote in “How to Raise Your Self Esteem,”

“Living consciously means taking responsibility for the awareness appropriate to the action in which we are engaged. This, above all, is the foundation of self confidence and self-respect.”

Or, to be slightly more clear,

“The difference between low self-esteem and high self-esteem is the difference between passivity and action.”

But knowing what action to take requires knowing what we want, outside of what others want — i.e., authenticity — which requires that we take full responsibility for our lives. Which requires that we dump all of the bad assumptions and models around self love, take agency in-house, and start to build self-fueling fire of our own desire.

About The Author:

Kris Gage

Motorcyclist, Software Manager, Drink-Slinger of the South 🍻

Reach out: http://bit.ly/2CXgcv5

#Self Improvement #Happiness #Love #Relationships #Dating

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minijenn · 6 years

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Mirrors

Ha, so this is my first entry for the Universe Fall anniversary, and, just wow, thank you Minjen for creating such a wondering fic and fanbase. So in honor of that, and because I really need the practice, here’s my entry, a DSteven POV during Arc 9’s chapter 82-Played in Reverse.

a/n-Know that because this chapter hasn’t been written yet, it’s based off of the little of what’s been revealed about it and H.Cs. Enjoy!

Meeting face to face with your reflection is an everyday occurrence and chore everyone wishes they could ignore. Some are so overwhelmed that they have no choice but to confront themselves. Others actively avoid it so much they would spend years, maybe even their entire lives, wandering aimlessly in the wind, hoping to never confront themselves in any sort of matter. Whether we ignore it or embrace it, one thing for sure was this: there is never avoiding you. You can run, hide, jump, duck, dodge, but there’s no outrunning yourself and the constantly disappointing reality that we define as life.

The little tyrant often found himself stuck between the two extremes. Growing up on homeworld, tried as he and his father might, there really was no choice in the matter. Steven Diamond was always going to be put on a path that would make him into the terrible person he is today. He had long accepted it a fact, a constant in the very chaotic universe that he resided in. Sufficed to say, he knew he would face that mirror everyday.

He never fought it, he never ran away from it, but when faced with that very mirror, the only thing he could think about doing was punching the face in front of him into little bitty pieces. Not because he hated himself, not because he believed a certain blue matriarch would be so much happier without him, but because whenever he would look upon it face, it would always be the same person. The very source of his pain, the bane of his existence. The very thought of it soured his stomach, making him feel small, vulnerable, and weak. It would be vile, horrendous, and disgusting to look upon. He could never imagine spending 10 seconds staring at his reflection, because every time he looked back on it, he would never see himself.

He would always see his mother.

A Diamond was logical, smart, determined, a constant in the universe. They were meant to establish order across the universe, bring stability in a reality that was too far mad and discorded. His existence however, was random, disorderly, unplanned for, uncalled, unwanted, and pretty much ever other un- word there was. It had caused so much confusion on homeworld, leaving gems of all types, from Diamond to Pearl, in disarray and discomfort. It caused so much pain, mentally, emotionally, leaving scars of all types he feared could never be healed. What kind of Leader could do something, something, so, so painful and cruel. To create a life with no purpose of it’s own, to leave all of her kind in such a state of agony. What kind of leader, what kind of monster, would do such a special kind of evil to her people and fellow kin?

He knew an answer would never come to pass.

But today, today he did encounter a reflection, a different type of mirror, that for once, didn’t resemble his mother, but at the same time, didn’t really reflect himself either. This came in a form of a Steven Universe, more specifically, a version of himself from another dimension, but after witnessing him first hand, they could hardly be called the same person.

Steven Quartz Universe, a specimen of a very, very unique variety. An optimistic creature with a never ending passion and energy, added by a seemingly never ending trail of care, compassion, and love.

In other words, his opposite. His light to his darkness, a complete, total reversal. He ruled an entire army that would be shattered at any moment of distraction, the Quartz counterpart would let a runt climb all over him and tossed him around. He ordered around and instructed fleets of Peridots, the Quartz followed the instructions and advice of a Pearl of all things. He shattered his first fusion by the age of 6, the Quartz actually let the abomination hug and kiss him. He lead a trio of the most powerful beings in the universe, the Quartz actively befriended and respected the rotten fleshbag’s counterpart. Such a disgusting display of a life, such carelessness, discord, and, and love.

It was no surprise to learn that this version of himself, if he could even be called that, was the spawn of this world’s version of Rose Quartz. In his own world, the vile piece of rock was shattered nearly 12 years ago thanks to the hand of his mother, one of the few things that made his mission to earth a little more easier. She was out of place among her kind, he supposed that was one of the few things that never changed all around the multiverse. A rebellion, an army, a deal with the demon, corruption, cluster, all that stuff.

He heard the story from his world’s crystal gem, a Rose Quartz, inspiring choice, freewill, chaos, and eventually, shattering. It was a revolting sight to witness, especially from the Pearl. The passion in their words, the devotion, they where infatuated with this Gem, blindly loving her, following her, even when nothing about it made sense.

How could anyone like that inspire something like that to other Gems, Gems once loyal to the greatest cause in the universe? How could a Quartz of all things inspire so many, lead so many, and how, how in the great stars above could she have ever shattered a diamond?

As the day went by, fights were brought out, arguments about morality and shades of grey where thrown into the air and talked about, so it was pretty much a normal day for the evil trio, aside from the dimensional stuff. After a day of pointless arguing with the fleshbag and occasionally throwing lightning at their counterparts, it all came down to a ‘final battle’. It was about as stupid as it sounded. The three of the counterparts, beaten, bruised, and probably bleeding internally, stood together as one, and actually fused.

In what kind of craped-up world did they live in where they fused together without hesitation or fighting back? It was a disgusting display, that was for sure, but he gave them a little credit in their feeble attempt to make themselves stronger. In a normal circumstance, it probably would’ve been enough, but they had two downfalls. 1.)The only one with any actual power was his own counterpart, and 2.) They were fighting all three of them. They really had to be a special kind of dumb to think they were going to win.

So without much further thinking, the yellow tyrant and his two allies, the girl all too willing and the boy all too reluctant, himself a bit mixed on it, formed their own tri-fusion. One might’ve called him a hypocrite for creating a fusion, much less one made up of two humans. He reasoned with that inner voice that told him no. As much as he hated it, he was half human. Fusing with only humans, as far as he knew, had no ill effect on his gem. His diamond remained unblemished and untouched.

Then again, why did he go along with this idea in the first place. Even if the weaker trio were fused together, they still were underpowered compared to even the fleshbag. Either one of the could take them down with relative ease.

Maybe he was just angry at the reflection he was staring at all day. Maybe, because it was such of a perversion of what he truly was, did he want to show the vile spawn of Quartz how disgusting he truly was. Maybe he just needed to show the Quartz a true reflection of himself.

The diamond’s own tri-fusion was nothing short of a monster incarnate. Discorded, disgusting, and disfigured. The fault was completely not his own. Every time he fused with either of them, all their hate and contempt flowed though out the mindscape. The twins hated each other, and the made sure to make the other aware of that fact, which meant he was stuck in the middle listening to their never ending prattle. And with such chaos looming through the body, calling them unstable would undermine the definition greatly.

Fortunately, his own mind and conscious was greater than anybody’s. His aura, a constant static that always rattled though his brain, repelled any thoughts or influence the other two had on himself, blocking them out like a screen door, which resulted him in being the lead personality in the fusion. It was literally the only thing that kept the fusion together.

Speaking of which, it completely boggled his mind on how well adjusted their counterparts were. Hardly any extra limbs, almost no fighting it or contempt. That couldn’t be. They were weaker, scared, confused, hardly capable of taking action, yet here they were trying to fight them head on. With the two tri-fusions duking it out, the little diamond was left completely boggled. How could they hold it together so well when they were own the verge of falling apart? What kind of Gem was this Rose Quartz and what kind of aura..

Wait

There was a lot of stuff the little diamond didn’t know about himself, powers and abilities he may never achieve, but one of the few he’s discovered, and kept to himself, was his ability to enter different planes of reality, not too unlike a ghostly aberration. He could see and enter different parts of the mind, sense emotions, feel thoughts and intentions. If he could concentrate hard enough, he could even penetrate their aura field and read their thoughts, even influence them to a certain extent.

He mainly used this as a way to prolong mental torture, but right know he couldn’t help but sense the aura coming off the weaker tri-fusion. It was a bit mixed together with the others, but their was no denying the signature of his counterpart. It was a bright pink, giving off a certain warmness, almost comforting. That wasn’t what was strange about it. What made it particularly interesting was the shear amount of force it seemed to project from it. It was familiar, the only aura he could ever compare it to was to a dia…

“are you serious? Are you freaking kidding me!?” The Diamond’s own thoughts and emotion were know starting to effect the stability of his tri-fusion. His aura was becoming more and more eeratic the longer he lingered on his discovery. He could feel his allies sudden burst of confusion and anger. The static grew more and more haywire, flowing throughout the mind like a t.v that was about to blow up from over usage.

And that’s exactly what happened. In a bright burst of electricity and light, the deformed degenerates defused, the twins being thrown from both sides of himself, leaving the diamond himself stuck to the ground, in a small, charred crater.

His anger though showed no sign of stopping, the electricity surrounding his body like a human taser. The counterpart’s tri-fusion, having yet to defuse, laid down, staring at the tiny tyrant in confusion and shock. He could here the angry rants of Dipper trying to make sense of what just happened while Mabel was left in a confused daze. He didn’t hear a single word they were saying. His own thoughts were booming in his mind. Frustration, sadness, confusion, but most of all, hate. Pure unbridle, unconditional hatred. The worst thing you could ever give a person, a 'gift’ constantly given to him by everyone around him, his father, the Maheswaren girl, the crystal gems, that weird blonde girl that always followed Dipper around.

Not today. Today, he was done just taking in all that hate to the face. Today, he was going to do more that just send the hate back to people. Staring at the confused tri-fusion, he knew what he was going to do next.

He was going to make them experience every last bit of hate he had.

Not even giving the tri-fusion another second to breathe, he charged at them like the lightning he produced. It was quick and blurry, but he made it to his target, and began assaulting them with everything he had. With every punch he sent all his strength, with every bit of contact he made, he sent enough shocks to knock out an elephant. With the multiple arms of the tri-fusion doing it’s best to counter him, pounding on the young diamond’s body, beating, bruising him all over as they fought to protect themselves. It was nothing new to the yellow dictator. He’s been beaten before.

Especially by another Diamond.

It didn’t take long for the damage to take affect. Cracks that actually glowed a bright light began to seep from the tri-fusions body. The Diamond chuckled practically seeing each face of horror the three of them were expressing. This feeling all too satisfying, and he was loving every moment of it.

“You have the ability to bring people together 'Steven’!” The yellow tyrant proclaimed as he shoved his hand right on top of the pink gemstone. The tri-fusion squealed in pain, knowing they could stop what was going to happen next. Unable to conceal his devious smile, he sent another flow of electricity through them while pulling on it’s navel. “But I can tear them apart!” The fusion’s pain tripled as the light shined over all of them. “Inside…” The three kids making up the tri-fusion fall to the ground in a painful thump. “..and out.”

The three of them in there state of pain, attempted to hobble away, with the twins being the first to get up. The diamond immediately pushed the two of them down and picked his counterpart by the collar of his shirt. The fear in his eyes said a number of things, weakness, vulnerability, fear. He was just a kid, confused by the world around him, his naivete getting the best of him. He was clearly out of his depth.

For a brief second, the Diamond saw something a bit familiar in this reflection. It felt like glimpsing at the past, the same struggle to survive a world that’s always about to kill you. For a brief second, there was pity.

That was immediately tossed to the side once he got tired of hearing his sobs. “Oh shut up.” He angerly ordered, though the counterpart struggle to comply. “I said to shut it!” He threw him to the ground once more, once again seeing the perverseness of this reflection. “You should’ve never fused in the first place. It wouldn’t have saved you, but you’d come out a little less..” Taking Steven’s hand, he calmly placed it on his own, before crushing the bone into pieces, resulting in another pitiful and annoying cry for help. “..broken. She had everyone fooled own your world, didn’t she?”

“Wha..” Steven tried to respond, but found himself stuck listening to the Diamond’s rant.

“Lead so many to their doom. Fooling her very own, her court, millions and millions of Gems, losing, suffering, killed for someone’s else’s personal pleasure. She had to be one, to lead you all own like that.” He laughed as he continued to mock them, though all it did was confuse his counterpart all the more.

“Why, what, what are you talking about?”

The diamond’s laughter seemed to get more and more out of control upon listening to those words. The shear stupidity of this rock, he really was a clueless off-color. “You, you don’t even know what you really are do you, their love, their blind devotion to such a devious and demented gem, they’ve really bastard away all your potential, didn’t they?” With his demeanor getting all the more maniacal. The fear grew within Steven as he struggled to back away, failing to as the Diamond raised his right hand in the air, clearly about to strike at him again.

The Diamond came even closer still, cornering the defect on a rock, making him trapped. This was going to be easy. “You are nothing more than a pale, deformed, weak reflection of what I am. You are not a diamond.” He leers over the boy, the blood flowing through his body like race cars on a highway.

He was going to do it. This was only going to be the first. He would continue breaking everything in this mirror universe.

And it was a mirror he planned on breaking, very, very slowly.

#universe falls #sumbission #submission #ooof damn #tbh this isn't how played in reverse is gonna end but even so #this was very dramatic and well done #uf 3 year anniversary extravaganza #uf fan fics #reverse/diamond #played in reverse

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13ceremonialskrp · 6 years

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STEP LIGHTLY, CHILDREN OF THE MOON

THE COVEN WELCOMES THE 7AM CEREMONIAL, HAN MINA, A 25 YEAR OLD ILLUSIONIST WITCH

idiosyncrasy

Kind, loyal and clever

Bossy, sneaky, possesive

proficiency

Mental Hallucination: Can induce someone into a very believable illusion, depending of the energy spent/applied, the more powerful or “realistic” the illusion can be. Of course without physically hurting the other person as the psychosomatic illusion ability would. If someone realizes they’re in an illusion, it could be easily broken, and everything turn back as how it is.

Selective Illusion: Inducing illusions or hallucinations to specific targets without affecting others. Easier if the other one is sleeping, however is not impossible as long as she’s a few meters close to the target, needs lots of concentration and preferably a quiet place, however even with a lot of noise she can still manage to focus on person as long as they’re in her eyesight. If lost eye contact, the illusion can be stopped, changed/morphed, uncontrolled or even affect the people around for a few seconds.

ineptitude

Psychosomatic Illusion: Ability to cast an illusion powerful enough to cause physical effects on the target. In order to not hurt said target (specially an innocent one) she needs to fully understand her magic to avoid unnecessary casualties.

Illusory combat: Incorporate illusions into one’s fighting style. First she needs to manage a real combat in order to work on the illusion. Without actual knowledge and depending more in the imagination, it will drain her more energy than necessary. This one can be broken when the target becomes aware of being in an illusion.

sanctions

If used to hurt an innocent (even by accident), the magic induced will bounce back to Mina.

If that’s not the case the mere use of such power will make her own mind grow tired and slowly damaged if not treated correctly. In time and if overused, specially by the wrong reasons, it could lead her to either amnesia, madness itself, or both.

If she’s connected with a target too long, she may feel whatever the other is feeling which, in case they’re negative symptoms it can affect her as well, not as powerful as the target but enough to tempt her to stop the illusion.

memoirs

After giving birth to a son who wouldn’t be gifted by magic, the Han family believed it was a sign to try to understand the regular world, for new knowledge for the future members. Every time magic would skip a generation they considered it the time to stop and learn. Like every moment of change, this brought certain disagreements between the eldest and the newest generations. When the boy grew to become a man protector of the family’s secret to the social world, he found love after graduating from university as a teacher, in a lovely cook-to-be lady. While at the beginning it was hard to understand for the woman, she came into realization of how the world was full of secrets, and truly they were so far away to really accept such knowledge.

Despite the first trials that came from the beginning –confusion, fear, anxiety- their love was stronger, soon both married and wanted to start a family of their own (as normal as possible), being the first ones to return magic to a new baby girl. Han Mina.

From a very young age, Mina found herself interested in things out of ordinary, partly because that’s what others seemed to like to call her and partly because most of the fantasy books she loved to read were related to such topics. Usually you could find her sitting alone drawing impossible thoughts and discovering impossible worlds through pages.

With her father as a teacher, a loving mother as a cook and an eccentric grandmother that came to visit from time to time, the girl never felt like she missed anything. Although, when her sibling appeared in the picture, if anything the colors around her world became brighter. While there were many times when they disagreed and used to compete a lot, they got each other’s back.

The real tragedy came when her mother fell ill little after Mina’s 11th birthday, it was cancer.

“There will be times, when strange things will happen around you.” she would say to Mina as she caressed her head while the girl was falling asleep the night before her 12th birthday. I’m already strange, Mina thought, “Unexplainable things, it might scare some people away but you must not fear it, all right?” mother replied as though she could read her mind, “The right people for you will come in time, they will understand and accept you for who you are.”

Mother knows best she believed after a few months.

Small things that weren’t supposed to be there started to appear on her vision radar, sometimes other people would see them too. It started simple, almost like a whisper, calm like her nature. It started with utensils, or books, whenever she was stressed or scared. Sometimes, weird shadows or figures would appear, many, including her would run away. That’s when rumors began about school being haunted, later as visions started to be more prominent, rumors changed of Mina being the one cursed.

“That’s enough, only those who aren’t satisfied with themselves make stories like that. Go!” Soo-Young, a classmate of hers defended one time, and ever since both built a very sweet and protective friendship of each other. Let’s not get too carried away, it didn’t last long. One time when in need of advice and comfort, Mina started to tell him to imagine beautiful fields, flowers and mountains. Soo-Young did saw them, and run around as he found the peace he needed at that time however, his reality was different than ours and while not paying attention he fell down of a cliff. “Soo-Young! Wake up!” Mina cried.

Ambulance, police, everyone was there, the boy did woke up fortunately, however he knew this was something Mina did, and while he didn’t directly accused her… His fear got the best of him and remained as distant as possible. It was well known a few years later, Soo-Young couldn’t really tell the difference between his reality and ours anymore. Sometimes it looked like sleepwalking, sometimes it wasn’t.

That night Mina had an extreme nosebleed as well as her energy drained, she slept for three whole days, waking up only to eat, by her mother. “We didn’t told you sooner because we wanted you to have a normal childhood…”, her father said calmly when she regained full consciousness. It was a long talk and Mina could barely understand everything that was happening, fortunately Grandmother tried best to illustrate Mina about their ancestors history, how powers changed according to different traits, and skills. She mentioned something about illusion, casts, spells, and other things, the girl grew afraid but as she was stressed things surrounding them were starting shake and eventually levitate.

Grandmother was proud, father tried to calm Mina’s sibling, and her mother looked straight at her with an unexpressive look. “The very basic of magic itself, you have the power, but you’re unstable. I’ll teach you the basics, and the rules. The rest, will be up to you.” Grandmother explained, but Mina was afraid of everything, of herself and what she could or couldn’t do. This is when mother came into scene, between her arms she was safe, between her arms she was normal.

After a full year of training, Mina didn’t understand magic, or her own self, who was she really? Strange Mina who loved her alone time while baking cookies and cupcakes? Witch Mina who had the ability to play tricks like making your tea cups float and playing with your mind? The young teen didn’t had time to question this for long, since it was in the year her training sessions stopped her mother fell worse than ever. After years of therapies in the end cancer was winning her battle, during her last night she asked one moment alone with Mina who approached her and held her hand, trying to be as strong as she could.

“It’s okay for you to cry, all right? You can do it for a year, afterwards you can carry on. You have to.” mother said with a gentle smile, “I’m proud of you, not because of your grades… not because of your power…” she placed a hand over the girl’s chin, “Because you’re mine, darling. My Mina.” A tear streamed down her face and the girl made her way to lay down with her mother and hug her tightly. “Leaving you and the others so soon, leaving without fighting a little more, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. You did well.” Mina mumbled holding her mother tighter than ever.

After a few years she grew a little more isolated, focusing on her studies -both regular and magical- while trying to get a normal as possible future. Mina always wanted to open a cafe when she grew up, however while still far, the girl kept working hard to get on the top and make that wish true without the need of magic.

Han Mina might’ve regret many things, probably not being too daring, or perhaps never seeking Soo-Young out again to protect their friendship. Perhaps not spending more time with mother, or helping her to feel less pain during her last day of breathing, maybe she regretted not paying more attention during the training of the very basics, instead of fearing her own grandmother. Although one thing she didn’t regret, was to be alive.

She’d to live, for her family, for mother, and while still internally intimidated by all these powers, and things she’s only recently starting to figure out. Magic won’t define her, she was not going to be evil.

#7am #13:accepted #lee jieun

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