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lottieurl · 10 months

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incoherent travis related ramblings ahead. proceed with caution

so an anon wanted to know what i meant by calling travis's arc a deconstruction of gender and i'm not sure if i can properly word anything that's bouncing around my skull but here's to trying. so i think there are a lot of interesting writing decisions for travis even early on (now that we know where they take his character after that) like even in the first half of s1 where he's honestly making it so hard not to dislike him it's clear all that toxic masculinity is hurting him as well and he basically hides behind misogyny. he avoids being vulnerable around nat by lashing out at her with misogynistic insults just to stop her from seeing his insecurities. he makes other misogynistic comments around the girls seemingly just to keep them at arm's length. and normally that's something that makes a space unsafe for girls and women. a guy who seems to be bad at controlling his emotions and who is vocally misogynistic is a red flag both in real life and in fiction. and they put him with nat! and yes on first watch i Hated that. we learn that nat had a misogynistic violent father and then travis points a gun at her and shames her for her sex life. but what they do next though is so.. fascinating. doomcoming comes around and travis is taken advantage of and assaulted in a way we are used to seeing female characters being treated on screen (and honestly in the way that is common for most women to fear in real life). he's drugged, he gets kind of pressured into having sex he clearly didn't really want to have and then gets sexually assaulted. i think it does say something interesting about power and thus is a deconstruction of gender in a way and kind of refreshing in that it doesn't shy away from showing that. especially when there still is a persistent "feminist" view (hinging on bioessentialism and cissexism really) that argues men's violence is some inherent part of men as a whole that women aren't capable of on the basis of gender or even more to the point on the basis of their biology/"sex"

like i think it's narratively so good? because you're primed to think like. he's the danger. he lashes out and he's misogynistic. but they're in the wilderness where the power dynamics of regular society that they're from no longer apply and so he's in danger now by virtue of being a guy their age (which actually parallels the way ben in s1 is stripped of all his authority AND his health is put at risk because of a girl's crush on him) like all jokes aside and all gay headcanons aside there is obviously heteronormative framing that most of those girls look at the world through. and they're all drugged and traumatized and he very much becomes the target Because of his gender. even would go as far as to say around 1x08 is where travis becomes objectified (which in turn makes that scene from the first lake scene where they're like is he actually hot? kind of dreadful) and so what that means is that for him to stop being A Target is to become one of them which is what we see in s2 and what we call girlcoding of travis martinez lol

plus what kevin said about him wanting to belong in a group is really interesting. and i love the way his interactions with the rest shift in s2. him being A Guy is a huge part of s1. like he's not one of them not because he's not on the team - neither is misty she literally just carries equipment - but because he's a guy. and he does as much to alienate himself from them as they do to other him in turn. but in s2 TO ME it very much feels like his gender stopped being relevant and through that he removed the target from his back. and that happens through him joining them in all the rituals which neither ben or javi ever do. travis the first ever genuinely girlcoded character (real not clickbait)

#is this anything #i didnt say anything new really #yellowjackets blogging

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theaquinn-misc · 1 year

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A-spec Lesbian

I decided to make my own list of things that have helped me realized I'm gay. Disclaimer: I'm not the arbiter of what makes someone an aspec lesbian, however if you experience some or most of these it's something to consider. Disclaimer 2: I've also not had a lot of experience dating so I can't include much of that here. This post will be divided in 3 sections: Men, Women and NBs and media

Men:

only crushing on "unavailable" men: married, in a relationship, much older, gay, fictional, celebrities

"crushing" on men and enjoying fantasizing about them, but not trying to flirt or even get close to them in any way

"crushing on a man" for a set period of time and then and thinking he's the hottest thing since sliced bread, but later (especially after a physical separation) finding him meh or cringey

fantasies about men having more to do with being happy and fulfilled in life and being seen as someone to be jealous of, not so much about the specific person

having a crush/attraction to a man only for him to return it and you realize that you feel uncomfortable

meeting a guy who is conventionally attractive and meets all your standards and telling yourself you are attracted to him but still feeling a weird pressure in your stomach/chest because "something is missing"

liking a guy, until he changes something minor about his appearance (shaves, does his hair differently) and then finding him basic/meh and losing all attraction to him

never understanding what women see in the men they date or like in media, at least looks-wise

finding even extremely conventionally attractive men to be kinda meh and thinking women attracted to men must be exaggerating how hot they find them

being uncomfortable when you find out a man has a crush on you and wanting him to stay away, but with women/nbs it's just a bit awkward and overall no big deal

having to force sexual and romantic fantasies for men and getting bored of them after a while

finding the most aesthetically attractive man in a group and deciding you are attracted to him (bonus points: being relieved when you find out he's taken/ and/or you could never date him for some reason)

being anxious or sad or bored when you imagine your life with a man

only wanting to date men if it's polyamorous (note: this is not to invalidate poly people, but if you can only imagine dating one gender ONLY if it's poly and having no issues to be monogamous with another gender... that might be something to look into)

getting sad/anxious/bored at the idea that your first boyfriend could be your forever partner. thinking "of course i want to experience life before I settle down"

wanting to dress sexy and reveal your body, but wanting to hide it when a man pays attention to you

Men expressing their attraction to men is more relatable than women expressing their attraction for men Women/ NBs:

finding only a few men aesthetically attractive but nearly every woman/queer/nb person (esp more femme ones) being gorgeous to you

wanting to impress and/or be liked by "special" women

going on dating apps and switching to "women only" even though you are (supposedly) bi/pan (note: some people may do this for safety reasons but if you can't even IMAGINE finding a guy off an app, even if you take all possible precautions, well...)

finding the fantasy of sharing your life with a woman/nb person far more rewarding and satisfying than the fantasy of doing those same things with a man

having some inkling of attraction to trans women pre-coming out, but suddenly thinking they are the most gorgeous people ever post knowing they are women(especially if they go on HRT),

really "admiring" masc/butch women and women who break gender roles (women in suits, women with defined muscles etc.)

thinking that everyone thinks women are more aesthetically attractive than men (hint: ask a gay man about this)

having deep feelings about a female actor, singer, teacher growing up etc. that feel special and unique

feeling guilty in locker rooms, not wanting to look at women too long

getting really excited at the idea of having a gf, or being a girl/nb person's gf/ partner but not feeling the same way about dating boys/men

wishing to be a lesbian because you think lesbians are cool and/or to avoid dating men

feeling uncomfortable feelings about the label lesbian, especially when applied to you (but not gay/queer/sapphic/wlw/nblw etc.)

not getting crushes on women IRL often because you're still aspec

getting crushes on fictional women, influencers, celebrities etc. Media:

never relating to m/f pairings even if they have bi/pan characters or the m/f relationships you see in media or around you.

shipping m/f, but thinking "that's cool for them, but I don't want that" (note: this might also have to with gender, if you're nb)

imagining yourself as the "man" in m/f ships never the woman

not relating to f/f ships with two thin conventionally feminine and usually white women (esp if you are fat, gnc, WoC, and/or are attracted to butch/masc women)

seeing posts about the attractiveness of men but relating them to m/m ships, not yourself

wanting every bi/pan character to be in a "gay" or at least, in a visibly queer relationship

only relating to m/f ships if they are more obviously queer. Like say, masc woman with a twink boyfriend (side note, I've never seen that, so if you have recs please send them my way)

only being able to get off on gay/lesbian porn, finding straight porn to be unsatisfying or boring or uncomfortable (note: porn is not a great way to determine sexualaity as most actresses are fetishized and fake prgasms, and most lesbian porn is not made for sapphics. but still) Things you are allowed to do as a lesbian/don't make you less gay:

Have m/f ships you feel strongly about

read/write m/f smut

relate to/write bi/pan characters

joke about liking celebrity men & fictional men

not be attracted to the women the lesbian community has decided are the hottest thing since sliced bread (Kristen Stewart is not everyone's type)

not be comfortable with certain sex acts or sex as a whole

#lesbian #asexual #aromantic #aromantic lesbian #asexual lesbian #aroace lesbian #questioning #am i a lesbian #terfs fuck off #questioning tag #mine #aspec lesbian #comphet

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old-school-butch · 4 days

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here is my second anon, on same-sex attraction and the fuckery i've experienced around it in the trans community. i wonder if any ex-TRAs and TIFs will recognize this, or if it's only me who managed such a convoluted mental somersault? also, please forgive me for venting in your inbox, i have no better place. but alas.

i thought myself a gay man for 10-ish years. and yet i had... very clear sexual attraction towards women, clear enough that i've genderswapped 80% of my fictional male crushes so they would have breasts and vaginas, while still considering them "men" because i kept their he/him pronouns. seeing females as men allowed me to tell myself i was only attracted to males. i think a mix of biphobia and lesbophobia, stirred into gender-think. i was only allowed to love women if they were actually "men". because it was ok to love men.

i had crushes on girls as a teen and i'd always feel gross and predatory when i shared the locker rooms with them. i remember so badly wanting to sneak looks at my crushes but doing all i could not to. bc i "knew" that it was wrong. however i never developed into accepting this same-sex attraction as normal, because i got swept up in genderism, and became a "man" and... all my attraction towards women suddenly felt EVEN MORE predatory and violating. i swept it away as male gaze, objectification, leering, still predatory. etcetera etcetera. genuinely did all i could to suppress/explain away my obsession with female bodies. i centered my male attraction, and as the trans movement is very male-centered to begin with it was only encouraged. people (straight females) calling themselves f*gs left and right. every time i started thinking about breasts (i'm boob obsessed for real) or having sex with women i pushed it down as male depravity. i also thought me wanting to fuck women had been conditioned into me by advertising. like, yes, of course everyone wants to have sex with women bc they are trained by society to want this :)) logical. this totally happens to all female people. oh you love the smell of pussy? advertising taught you this. -_-

obviously as a TIF, i felt somehow that male identity and pronouns was a prerequisite to be fully human/be the way i was inside. misogynistic as fuck. it seems i felt this for other women, too. you told me i'd feel the weight of the harm i'd done along the way, when i sent the first anon; this is a heavy one. having viewed women and myself this way for so long. and having written off my same-sex attraction (i salivate when i see bare chested women lol) because, well, i'm a "man" and i violate them with my eyes.

the power dynamic between TIFs is funny/tragic too. ssa ones being treated as if they're straight males and culpable for everything those do. osa ones being the ones with more social capital. bisexual ones centering males bc well, the whole movement shits on women and you don't wanna be "straight" or bi ending up in a "straight" relationship. a lesbian TIF just enters a world in which her attraction (which she's likely felt predatory for her whole life already) is REINFORCED as bad. because now she's a straight man. and when a real heterosexual male is not accessible to shit on, she will be the target of the "gay" ones. god, the trans community is such a complicated type of homophobia...

i feel so good now to be out of it. i've been butch my whole life, i had a buzzcut since i was 14, up until my 20s. tomboyish always. now i have a long braid, and i considered cutting it off when i peaked, but i can't bring myself to do it. i miss my breasts very much and my braid is a body part as well, one that i can still hold on to. i can't let it go. it means something to me, i suppose, symbolically. but i don't feel like i'm a man anymore, and my attraction towards women is not to blame for their oppression. it is so liberating. i no longer feel like i'm degrading or harming women by being attracted to them. and most of my friends who dropped me were osa TIFs, binary and nonbinary... they have a lot to lose if they should give up that identity. they'd get booted out the "queer" community, lose the oppression they built their identity on. it's weird looking back at them. ah, i ramble so much, but thank you, even if you don't end up posting this, for having a space open here to go to. it feels so valuable, and it helps to read others anons.

Oh, I've definitely read wilder somersaults. It's amazing how confusing it is when reality is upside down. A lesbian becomes a gay man, or a straight man depending on the identity of the women she's attracted to. All nonsense, but I do wonder if it allows people to contemplate relationships they had rejected previously. Like, if you're a straight man who decides he's a lesbian but then meets another TIM then you're supposed to also include him, or women might have idealized views that relationships with men might not be so bad if you can escape 'being the girl'. Women, according to the stats, are the most likely to twist ourselves into these pretzels, of course, female socialization at work. So, we must forgive ourselves and each other for our roles in all this.

I'm glad things are working out well for you. There are times when I feel isolated being gender critical, but then I remember the headache-inducing mental repression I had to endure to make myself believe all this and I feel much more free and real.

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ms-all-sunday · 4 months

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personal experience time for prosperity, so i've mentioned that one piece is the reason I'm okay with the fact I'm bisexual now, which i thought it was self evident why that was but I'll explain because i feel like it gives perspective on why im so pro-sexualized/the narrative seeing this character as attractive (when appropriate obviously and i think op does a good job of doing that for the most part) for nami/robin (mainly talking about my experience with nami)

so previously ive had issues with never being attracted to female fictional characters, (I've been attracted to real human women very briefly throughout my life. i just dont hang out with a lot of people and the majority of them arent girls) and that was a problem even though i knew I was able to be attracted to girls I didn't feel like i was able to identify with that part of myself, (as a trans man, I've always felt very pushed into wlw spaces which I think isn't good and even though I have alters that identify as women we've never as a whole ever thought we were wlw) the problem was, when youre asked to be attracted to fictional women 99% of that is either objectification or look this character is hot! and then her actual character is nonexistent. which is a problem for me, because in my experience strong attraction comes from both how much i relate to someone and how much I admire them, so if I'm at large completely unable to relate to female characters, it puts me in a really fucking tough spot and i end up never being able to explore attraction like that in a fictional space. you see, you could point out to me that there's wlw characters and experiences that could've helped me? which, I'll point you to the fact I'm a man and secondly, I tried that. but I'm a man and unfortunately while I can appreciate gay girls in fiction i don't connect with them like that.

where this changed for me was a year ago when I watched one piece and then immediately was blasted by girls who were very obviously seen as attractive but were some of the best written female characters i had ever fucking seen since having that crush on that original character,

and there were men in the context of the fiction that were attracted to nami for the exact same reasons I was ??? (sanji/zoro in arlong park) and these men were being defined by having a crush on or being attracted to nami, and she was the one in control (another reason I couldnt connect with m/f couples: i wanted to be held by a girl and taken care of by a girl not the other way around)

and she struggled with mental health like i did so of course i could relate to her! and i was being encouraged by nami herself to see her as attractive so i didn't feel creepy like i did all of the other times (being a man and being attracted to women and inherently feeling creepy was a huge issue for me) and she was seen as a whole person, a whole entire beautiful person. the fact she was so complicated and detailed made her more attractive, and the fact i could connect and relate to her and have loving her mean that I love aspects of myself i couldnt expect?? I just loved her and i was attracted to her and I couldn't control it so it had me let go of my fear without me even realizing it was happening.

i literally havent felt creepy expressing my attraction to women since.

i simply needed to figure out how to be attracted to women- nami- because i was attracted to her so immediately and so intensely that being attracted to her meant i immediately became more articulate about it because i loved her so much it burst out of me.

the fact people saw nami as attractive was both good for me, someone who finds her attractive and struggled with expressing my attraction to women and was only attracted to fictional women who were entire people!, but also allowed me to feel loved myself as a person with mental health issues similar to hers.

basically, TLDR, i think viewing female fictional characters as attractive is fine as long as they're entire people who aren't reduced to their relationship to men, and is really fucking good actually both on the level that people get to see themselves as attractive and that it rightfully sends the message that women are more attractive when they are understood as whole people with lives and flaws (that can exist outside of traditional heterosexuality).

#modposts #op #one piece #meta #cat burglar nami #nico robin #sexualization #fave #one of the best posts ive probably ever made honestly ha #not to toot my own horn #um if youre wondering who my ORIGINAL waifu was maybe if you buy the lore dlc ill tell you #to be clear you can obviously criticize ops use of sexualization and viewing female characters as attractive but imo the vast majority #is not bad and unintrusive #there is parts that deserve to be rightfully criticized but simply not i think to the degree people express like its ALL bad and nami #and robin should never be sexualized ever #which isnt true

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aroaceconfessions · 1 year

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my sexuality is so confusing and nebulous and label-defying it's so frustrating

right now for the most part i just ID as grayaroace. not in the "experiences attraction but very infrequently" way, but in the "experiences attraction but it's very mild" way. that's where i get tripped up. there's more to it than that

i both like the idea of participating in sex and hate it. i enjoy self-pleasure, reading erotica, and imagining fictional characters in sexual situations (though i don't like going into too much detail with it). sex sounds nice in theory, but awkward and terrifying in practice. the part that freaks me out the most is the idea of someone seeing me naked, especially my genitalia. i think it's mostly due to gender dysphoria-- i'm transmasc, which is important context for most (or all?) of this

i'm attracted to women, and when i say that i don't mean i get crushes (though i think i had one once?) or that i ever care enough to seek out sex with any one woman in particular. but i am definitely attracted to them in a way i am not attracted to men. when i try to imagine myself in a romantic or sexual situation, it's with a woman. i do find women hot, find their bodies arousing, but i don't really want sex. i do, but not really.

see how this is confusing? i both am and am not, i both do and don't. i'm so envious of people who can just be like "yeah i'm gay/bi/lesbian/ace". i wish it was that easy. i wish my orientation fit into a neat box

i often go down tumblr rabbit holes of aspec posts and they only ever make me more confused. every time i'm reminded that allo people can also be sex repulsed i start to spiral, thinking maybe THAT'S what i really am, and my hesitation to have sex is because of my dysphoria. i have a below average libido too, which makes it harder to tell. it makes a lot of sense to me, but i don't know how to know for sure. i'm getting sick of labels because they've been so annoying to try to navigate. every time i think i've got it, the rug gets pulled out from under me again

if there is one label that i find myself relating to a lot it's stone butch. i'm pretty sure it's exclusively a lesbian term because that's the only context i ever hear butch in, and because i don't identify as a woman or woman adjacent i don't ID as a lesbian or feel comfortable using their terms. but the idea behind stone butch fits me very well. i only like the idea of giving in a sexual situation. i feel drawn to the idea of hand stuff and giving oral, but despise the idea of being on the receiving end of either. i don't want to be penetrated, but would gladly penetrate a partner if we had a strap. this definitely ties back to my gender dysphoria. it has me wondering, is there a transmasc version of stone butch? i've never seen anyone talk about anything like what i feel. all the transmascs i see online are mlm

it also makes me feel pretty insecure in queer spaces that, despite being queer in multiple ways (aspec + trans) i'm quite vanilla and almost hetero with my sexual interest. so on top of everything else i feel like a fake queer person. i feel alone

i don't know how to end this but if you got this far thank you for reading, and thank you to the person who runs this blog for providing a space for me to vent

Submitted April 16, 2023

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sarcasticteapot · 1 year

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Modern Bunty Windermere starter pack

- Collecting crystals. She loves crystals and all kind of shiny stones and she has them everywhere. Her most favorite is emerald, just because it’s green and green suits her

- Her music taste? If it’s not Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj and Lady Gaga, it’s Guns N’ Roses or Rammstein

- Her instastories are mirror selfies, pics of cats, plants or memes. In 'Close friends' section you can find blurry photos of her doing weird faces

- She is the person that uses 😭 and 💀 as laughing. Usually it comes with "Omg" or "Lmao"

- She’s running a Tumblr account no ones knows of and here she admits her love for women and gays. She reblogs everything and she puts thousands of hashtags under the post

- Posts anytime she has a new celebrity/fictional character crush

- Her insta bio is something like

Bunty W.🌸 crystal, cat and plants lover✨fashion isn’t my hobby, it’s a lifestyle💅 Christian🕊 but rebel💋

- And then her Tumblr bio: I’m a bad bitch but I’m nice✨ Sarcastic bi🏳️‍🌈Slay💅✨

- Wherever she goes, she takes a Polaroid with her. She loves taking pictures with her friends and she always has one photograph under her phone case

- Fights for women’s rights, proud feminist

- Vintage is her style

- Minimalist. For sure she has at least one mini tattoo of a hummingbird

- Drama series are her favorite

- She knows nothing about Star Wars, but she loves baby Yoda and has a T-Shirt and canvas bag with his face on it

- Candles and perfume bottles everywhere just because they look aesthetic

#bunty windermere #father brown #bbc father brown #modern Bunty #father brown fandom #bunty is love #bunty is icon #felicia montague #sid carter #inspector sullivan #mrs mccarthy #hercule flambeau #sergeant goodfellow

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roastbeasts · 2 months

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for the ask game: 4, 10, 14, 32!! and feel free to send me some if you like (no pressure) :D

4. who is/was your most intense sapphic crush?

i think the most intense crush i had (sans my partners obviously) was on this girl jenna at summer camp when i was like 13. she was like this fat buff bisexual who deadlifted me once for a talent show we were doing. she had a bunch of scars from various accidents & not-accidents that covered her arms and her shirts were extremely big on me but i loved wearing them bc they smelled like her. we dated ("dated" in a summer camp way) for a month or so and then i completely lost contact with her i hope she's butchin it up still

10. did you do anything gay as a kid that makes sense when you look back on your childhood?

the only thing i can really think of was fucking OBSESSING over fictional women and denying the fact that i was a lesbian the entire time. the first woman i ever actively obsessed over was astrid from httyd at the ripe old age of 9, then tigress from kpf at 12, then lucina from fire emblem at 13-14, ema skye from ace attorney at 15, and so on

14. list five things you look for in a partner, or five things you love about your current partner(s).

i have two partners! i love them both dearly. here are 5 things i love ab them:

i love gawain's sense of humor. by far the funniest person i've ever met by a longshot

i love how gawain is always willing to fight for me. no one in my life has ever really done that before

gawain is also a colossal artistic inspiration to me. his art owns supremely in a way that i don't have the words for

gawain is one passionate guy. just like in general. ab causes, ab me, ab doing stupid shit in video games. i love it

also he's hot as fuck. like insanely hot. drop dead gorgeous

i love charlie's gentleness. he's like full of kindness always

that being said, i love charlie's small kindnesses. he's got a tag for my art on his blog

i also love charlie's dedication. he'll send me those dunmeshi blingee things every morning and even if i can't / don't respond he just keeps doing it and i never want him to stop

i love charlie's art. he's a writer and that is something extremely beyond me but reading his writing is always a treat

most of all i think i love charlie's laugh. i don't think i've heard anything quite like it

32. tell a funny story about something really gay you’ve done.

not to bring up jenna again but she would literally ask me questions like what my bra size was and if i was into girls and i was so fucking oblivious at the time (our whirlwind romance happened the following summer) i just thought it was like a #girlthing to have conversations like this. she'd invite me to sleep in her bunk w her. we made candles together. also the deadlifting thing. and i left that summer very sure of my heterosexuality somehow

shoot me a number and i will bear my lesbian soul

#askbox #sorry for the rambling im in a lovey mood today I GUESS

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murdockmeta · 10 months

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Mike Murdock Headcanons

Has the goofiest laugh. He rarely laughs for real but when he does its something like *loud snort* hyUH hyUH hyUH

He likes watching animated shows, stuff that's usually meant for kids, like adventure time, kim possible, steven universe, over the garden wall, gravity falls ect

This extends to movies, he does watch Disney movies and he will sing every damn song, he can quote tangled off the top of his head

If you ask he will tell you his favorite ghibli film is princess mononoke (he did have a crush on her when he was younger) but it's actually my neighbor totoro and he tears up every time he watches it

He's bisexual, he does not discriminate at all

Enjoys lots of anime like hunter x hunter and jojos bizarre adventure and full metal alchemist ect

wants to fuck hisoka from hxh SO bad, he's attracted to so many anime men it's embarrassing

Wears the most ridiculous t-shirts ever:

One has a shitty print of Jesus holding a Cadbury egg, he wears it around Easter. One has "boyfriend to some, girlfriend to others." One has "my girlfriends husband fights for your freedom" and then there's one of Kermit the frog surfing on the great wave off kanagawa and one that says "the men's bathroom is for gay sex and the women's bathroom is for doing coke" the list GOES ON he has DOZENS like this

Has an ass tattoo he got on impulse. It may or may not be a shamrock because he's a fucking idiot

Torrents basically everything

Likes to draw

His favorite subject in school was science

Has stolen every pair of sunglasses he owns

Has his ears peirced

Doesn't get the catholicism stuff and doesn't consider himself catholic

Has cross-dressed for funsies

Used to smoke cigarettes but not anymore, does smoke weed on occasion

Has tried most recreational drugs

Super messy but he always knows where everything is

Longest he's spent in jail is 10 months, it was originally a year but he got out early on good behavior

Drools in his sleep

Has traveled all over the country

Knows a bit of Spanish along with a couple other languages but isn't fluent in any

Took the LSAT cause he thought it'd be funny if he scored higher than Matt

He didn't but he'll swear up and down he did

Has freckles all over his back/shoulders

Has started so many bar fights it isn't even funny

Will go to a protest simply with the hopes he'll have the chance to punch a cop

Always a 50/50 chance he'll be chewing gum, this increase to a 115% chance if Matt's around because Mike knows he HATES it

Is like. So good a Mario Kart it's concerning

He can sing, actually, but rarely does he try. He'd rather belt out things horribly off-key or sing under his breath

Is the older brother

Uses "man" and "dude" way too much (this is basically canon)

Has an accent that gets so thick when he's tired you can barely understand him

Yes i have more but this is all for now, thanks for reading, I love this fictional man like he's my actual husband

Also If some of those sayings on the shirts sound familiar or you like them go check out Girl of Swords shop on bonfire.com :)

#mike murdock #daredevil comics #mike murdock headcanons #here queues... daredevil!

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watermelinoe · 1 year

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hey! sorry if this is inconvenient but I've been reading about your experience while being febfem and I wanted to ask you for your perspective on something. it's okay if you don't want to answer! also english is not my first language and this is gonna be super long

tw for csa/rape. you can stop here if you want to

I've been having trouble figuring out if I'm a lesbian or bisexual. from 14-18 I labeled myself as bi but I knew I didn't have any sort of attraction to men. I never had crushes on any guy, fictional or irl. I never felt any sort of romantic or sexual attraction to them – actually, quite the opposite, since I was a kid I noticed they caused me dread, disgust or indifference. if any boy tried to approach me the only thing I felt was anxiety and/or anger. it was different with girls. I felt sexual attraction to them, I wanted to be with them, I felt good and excited thinking about them. all of my crushes have been on girls. so, even when I labeled myself as bi, I knew I only had interest in being with women.

by the time I was 19 I was like, okay, that must mean I'm a lesbian. And it felt so nice, figuring myself out. I still like women the same amount; my problem is my possible attraction to men.

this is very difficult for me to talk about but oh well. as a kid I've been sexually assaulted plenty of times, both by other kids (boys) and adult men. they'd touch my genitals or make me touch them and/or hold me in place without letting me go. one of these adult men was especially awful and for some time my brain just deleted everything to do with him when I was 9. but I remembered some time later and I talked to my parents about it (mostly bc I was pretty sure my sisters were also assaulted by him and I was so scared he would come back since he used to be a family friend). my parents, especially my mom, shamed me for it though and treated it as if it were my fault and I had wanted it.

other than that, my first contact with f/m couples during childhood was pretty bad – both inside my house, with other couples I've met and on tv. from my point of view, it was like women were always trapped in awful situations and needed to be submissive. I also tried to ask my mom about it when I was 10/11, but she shamed me again and told the rest of the family I was asking about indecent things.

I don't think about any of this much bc they're very unpleasant memories. but when I was 9/10 I remember that I'd have noncon fantasies with men. I just thought that's how it worked, that's how it'd be. but I'd feel disgusted afterwards. eventually, along with everything else, I stopped thinking about this bc it made me upset. so for quite some time I avoided anything to do with sex bc of the discomfort it caused me, especially since I didn't like boys (and had no romantic interest in them).

(before all of these things happened and before most of these assaults even took place, I already didn't like boys. I remember already feeling dread and indifference towards them when I was 5 - 7 years old, for example).

I only ever figured out gay people existed when I was around 13. and when I was 14 I noticed that *I* could like girls – not only that, I already liked one! she was my closest friend back them and I liked her so so much. for the first time romantic or sexual attraction became an exciting, fun, good thing to me. I had never thought it could feel good.

that's when I started labeling myself as bisexual. like I said, I already knew I didn't like boys, but what if I did like one in the future, right? but it never happened. and then I figured I must be a lesbian.

but last year I Iearned how to properly masturbate. like I said, I never thought back to the things that happened in my childhood bc it made me upset. but very quickly I noticed that masturbating upsets me, bc it reminds me of back then, and also bc the noncon fantasies I used to have when I was a kid came back. only with men, obviously, as I could never imagine being in such an awful situation with women. but I did fantasize about women too and it always felt nice/safe.

I searched about it and people were saying it's normal to imagine those things. but I decided that I didn't like it, it made me feel gross and anxious. my brain once again started to push it all to the back of my mind and for months I didn't think about it. I decided to try masturbating again recently but, even if I didn't imagine anything bad or to do with men, I started feeling like shit again afterwards. for the past few weeks it's been the only thing in my mind and for the first time I decided to willingly think about what happened during my childhood.

I'm almost 21 now and, thinking back, I think my fantasies are all just an response to everything that happened. the only way I've ever imagined myself with men was in situations of assault/rape. knowing what it means hopefully will make it easier for me to heal and create a healthier future relationship with sex and anything to do with it. but I've been thinking, does it really matter that the fantasies were noncon? I still fantasized about guys in a way so that must mean I have at least a slight attraction to them, right? or do I have do try being with a guy before knowing for sure? have I always felt attraction to them and my trauma just got in the way of it?

I've been having a hard time thinking about a possible attraction to men without linking it to assault/rape automatically too. if I do like men, does that mean I like to be assaulted? I can't imagine men in normal, healthy circumstances. even in the fantasies, there was so much disgust and contempt involved. I still feel gross.

I've been reading about the febfem term and, if I do figure out that I feel something for men, I'll definitely go with this label. all of these memories, including the ones from last year, make me upset and I know I don't want to go near guys. but I wouldn't use the lesbian label while feeling some or any sort of attraction to guys, that'd be wrong. it's been somewhat comforting to read you say that you can be bi and not want anything to do with men.

I can't talk about this with anyone in my life but it's been driving me crazy and I just wanted to ask for your perspective. do you think that means I like guys? should I try something with a guy before coming to any conclusions? do you think I could heal from the way I view sex? everytime I think about liking men my mind just goes back to assault/rape, but perhaps that's something I need to heal from?

I cry whenever I imagine liking men, but that could be the trauma I think. maybe I do like guys, but I just don't want to and I'm suppressing it. idk.

I'm sorry if this is too much, I'm just so confused and it's been so painful thinking about these things. I just want to feel okay again and I've been crying for days but I can't seek confort from my friends or family. at this point I just need someone else's thoughts on the situation. it's really okay if you don't want to answer though.

hi anon, i'm going to do my best to give you the kind of answer you're looking for that will be reassuring, but please don't treat me as an authority on your experiences here, on the contrary, i hope you can find a way to make peace with yourself and give yourself the real answer.

i can't tell you whether what you feel for men is attraction or not. from what you've described, i don't think you are attracted to men. these "fantasies" sound like intrusive, internalized self-harming mechanisms stemming from your trauma, that have attached themselves to your sexual development and harmed it. that isn't your fault. for me, early exposure to fetish content warped my sexuality, and i also struggled before coming to terms with my bisexuality - and i still have an unhealthy sexuality tied to that pervasive cultural masochism that's inflicted on girls from a young age. as a result, febfem is the term i feel best describes me, because i like men but i don't like the way i feel when i'm with men. to me it sounds more like you may not like men at all.

you have an even denser web to untangle... but, i want to give you permission not to. i know, it's probably a cyclical thought loop, and you're afraid of calling yourself the wrong thing, but you aren't hurting anyone by using the label that best describes you to the best of your knowledge right now. if, say, ten years from now, you were to suddenly experience genuine attraction to a man, that wouldn't mean you were a liar for ten years. we can only work with the information we have, and finding out you were wrong doesn't make you a bad person.

you also have no obligation to "fix" your reaction to men, except to work on rewiring your libido, because right now it's burdened by intrusive associations with your trauma. but you never have to sleep with men to prove your sexuality. if you were attracted to men, that would be true whether you have sex with them or not, but if you aren't - and to me it sounds like you are not - then you'd be engaging in self-harm.

it's also perfectly fine not to label yourself one way or the other if you feel too conflicted. you know you're attracted to women. you belong in spaces for same-sex attracted women. you are not hurting anyone by being in lesbian or bisexual spaces in order to understand yourself better. i think being around other women, online or in real life if you can, will be much more rewarding for you than being with men. you don't have to have all the answers right now. focus on what makes you feel safe and happy.

i wish i could offer more resources for your past trauma, to help you heal your sexuality so you can have a healthy sex life (masturbation included) free of thoughts that upset and disgust you. maybe some of my followers have similar experiences or recommendations for material that can help? i'm wishing you all the best, anon.

#answered #rape tw #cocsa tw #long post

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azulas-daddy-kink · 1 year

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hi, sorry if this is something weird to ask, but since you've mentioned it a few times would you mind talking about your experience with biphobia in fandom? i'm a bi man and had lots of cases where i was being called homophobic for headcanoning a guy as bi despite most fandom headcanoning him as gay, as well as having bi headcanons shit on or disregarded if i shipped the guy with a woman instead of exclusively with other men. sometimes this went to outright harassment and a few death threats. even outside of actual ship talk, it felt like conversation with other fandom 'friends' always got awkward the moment i mentioned my (ex)girlfriend or even expressed that i'm capable of having attraction to woman, even fictional ones. i've had almost all of my mlw ships mocked or insulted at least once purely because it was "cishet" content, even if saw them both as bi. (not that it matters either way, because there's nothing inherently wrong with it if it is a cishet pairing.)

i was curious on the overlap of experiences between bi women and bi men in biphobic fandoms/communities, especially among adults, and it if's the same with just replacement of language (homophobic vs lesbophobic) or if there's more to it. of course, no worries if you don't want to, feel free to disregard this. i get how it could be annoying, but if you wanted a free card to make a post about it, here it is i suppose. thank you for your time reading this regardless of what you choose to do.

Hi, Anon!

Thanks for asking me this, and it's not annoying or weird at all. I would actually be happy to talk about my experiences with biphobia in fandom.

First of all, let me just say I am sorry for the abuse and bullying you have suffered as a result of biphobia. It deeply saddens me to hear that this is a wide-spread issue across other fandoms, and that it affects bisexual men as well as women... it really does seem that a lot of what we have both experienced is the same, just with the language replaced as you said.

I cannot count the amount of times I've been called "lesbophobic" and/or accused of hating lesbians simply for not shipping a popular wlw ship, and for headcanon-ing a popular character as bisexual.

Going into a more specific example here...

Once I posted on my blog about how biphobia in fandom (specifically AtLA) was a big issue, as Azula's character is often assumed to be a lesbian or less commonly, straight, and never bi - or anything else! People will argue until they are blue in the face about whether she is lesbian or straight, and it's almost never brought up that she could be bisexual. I stated that bi people exist, as well as stated that her having had a crush on a boy (Chan) was not comphet if she is indeed bi.

Here is the post in question, you can judge it for yourself - https://azulas-daddy-kink.tumblr.com/post/688693514266148864/chan-was-a-comphet-okay-but-how-do-you-know

I suppose this angered people because I then received rude asks accusing me of attacking lesbian headcanons and etc.

I went to vent about it on a fandom-specific online space (which I have since been banned from for angering a clique) and was then accused of being lesbophobic by someone I had never even spoken to before. We argued back and forth for a while, I de-escalated, then it was rehashed by another person who wasn't even involved hours later. This person proceeded to agree with the person I had been arguing with, then attempted to gaslight me into believing I had over-reacted and was taking something personally when it wasn't meant to be personal (like how else was I supposed to react to that? lol).

The people involved in this shall remain nameless, even though they likely have me blocked on this platform and possibly others. Hope you understand.

The example above is just one of many, sadly, and I am expecting to receive more hate simply for answering this ask... but it all needed to be said.

For the record, I have NEVER personally attacked anyone the way I have been attacked. They find my blog, my posts, and come after me. I simply do not comment on posts I disagree with, or posts promoting ships I don't like (which should be the norm but here we are). I have also NEVER said that I have an issue with people wanting to headcanon Azula (or anyone else) as a lesbian. There's nothing wrong with the headcanon in and of itself and it's as valid as any other viewpoint.

What I have an issue with is people bullying others for not agreeing with them and/or accusing them of being bigoted. What I have an issue with is people treating their headcanon as fact, declaring it to be superior, and shoving it down everyone's throats. What I have an issue with is people being abusive and/or obnoxious, plain and simple.

Again, thank you so much for this ask!

#anon ask #ask response #discourse #biphobia

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girlscience · 1 year

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AND ANOTHER THING! I will think up a fictional relationship to fit in some fantasy world and it will be like fantasy idealized self insert me and some guy and it'll be nice and good. but then there will be zero physical intimacy OR for a fun kicker, I will become the guy while doing physically intimate things with my fantasy self insert. which is a trip and a half I'll tell you that. And I've been doing it since I was a pretty young person. And also I think, sure! I like fictional men and if I just found a man like them irl I would date them. But they do have irl counter parts in either their actors (if in live action) or in cosplayers! And I can genuinely say I have never once found a character's actor attractive if it was a man, women on the other hand, all their actors are stunning and I find them attractive all the time. And then cosplayers, every single woman who has ever cosplayed any fictional man I like is so fucking sexy. I don't know what it is about that but it just does something to my brain sorry not sorry... but I will see the exact same characters cosplayed by men and go mmmm ehhhhh you don't look right.

But I don't think men are ugly or gross or whatever (at least not all of them... i am so sorry men but a lot of you are just extremely bland... like um bread. and nearly all women are just overwhelmingly attractive). and I have had or have real close relationships with men and have emotional connections with them so like why couldn't i date them? cause i don't really understand what the difference is between being friends and being in a relationship (outside of sex but then you can have sex with your friends and that just makes everything MORE confusing). but also for some reason my brain is just like No. No dating men.

which all makes me think ah yea lesbian. but i had a crush on a guy. and if i'm aromantic then the romance part doesn't fucking matter to begin with!!! *flips table* because then i wouldn't want to date women either! and like there's a lot of relationship stuff i do not want at all, but sometimes i think some of it might be okay but also it's scary and anxiety inducing, but i don't know if that's cause i'm aro or because i've never been in a relationship and have been told my whole life gay relationships are evil OR if it's just because i don't like things like eye contact and most forms of physical touch!!! AAAAAAAAAA

you guys see my fucking dilemma right???? how am i supposed to figure this shit out!!! and some people will say "go see a therapist about this" (you know who you are lol) BUT therapists aren't supposed to tell you "here is what you are" unless it's a mental health diagnosis, right? they are supposed to help you and give you the tools to figure this out on your own, but if I WAS going to figure it out I would goddamn think I would have after nearly 25 fucking years of life and thinking about this problem EVERY GODDAMN DAY SINCE I WAS 11!!!!!!!

#i am actually getting super worked up about this right now.#like i sort of feel like crying #i just want it to fucking stop #i want it to be done and over. not even so i can like be a part of a community or anything #but just to have this stress and confusion out of my life #and i am so jealous of like my sister or some of my friends or people online or whatever #who can just go 'yeah i'm [insert thing]' and be done with it!#like they don't worry about it or stress about it! it's a non issue to them! (outside of irl issues some of those identities may cause)#like they know who they are through all of their body and i envy that so much #because i don't and i never have and i am so tired of it

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dragonmuse · 1 year

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This proves, once again, that I cannot do anything without a firm deadline (or two). A bout of covid in summer and a couple of long road trips and train rides meant I got through many more audio books than I usually would. So I'll limit myself to my favourites here and give a short teaser each instead. Just because I really want to. Hope that's alright.

To Night Owl from Dogfish by Holly Goldberg Sloan and Meg Wolitzer. Avery and Bett are both 12 years old and live with single gay dads. That's excactly everything they have in common. Otherwise they couldn't be more different. Only now their dads have decided to fall in love and to send the girls to the same summer camp so they can get to know each others as "new sisters". This cannot stand! A reverse Parent Trap, if you will. Utterly hilarious and very heartfelt. Also the most realistic 12yo I've come across in fiction ever, I think.

The Strange Case of the Alchemist's Daughter by Theodora Goss (Part 1 of the Athena Club series). When Mary Jekyll's Mother dies, Mary is left with no family, a lot of debt and a household staff she'll have to let go. When she comes into possession of a bank statement in the name of "Hyde" she is reminded of the cruel Mr Hyde who used to work for her late father and the high reward set for his apprehension. So, as one does when faced with mystery in Victorian London, she enlists the help of one Mr Holmes and the good Doctor Watson. You know how in gothic literature women are usually sidelined to wives, daughters, victims or monsters? Well, this is their story. And by "their" I actually mean "all of them"'s story. Readers of "Dracula Daily" will also encounter familiar names, especially in the second book. Brilliant, brilliant series!

The Fetch Philips series by Luke Arnold (of Black Sails fame), starting with The Last Smile of Sunder City. My current obsession. Detective noir novel set in an urban fantasy setting with a twist. Very cool world building and character development.

Identitti by Mithu Sanyal (translated from German by Altal Price) Nivedita's life is turned upside down when superstar postcolonial and race studies South-Asian professor Saraswati - her supervisor, mentor, idol and crush - is discovered to be actually… white. One of the most brilliant books I'v ever read, I think. A very, very darkly funny take on identity, race, academia and finding a place in the world. It makes you constantly go "Come on, the case is crystal clear now!", only to make you go "Huh. Or not." two pages later. You will also learn A LOT.

Now.. saving the best for last. Stories Beneath our Skin by Veronica Sloane. I will not give a summary here, because that simply feels too weird. But I loved it so damn much! This was my comfort while I was in bed with covid for over week. The found family dynamic reminded me quite a bit of Becky Chambers' books, and I mean that as the highest praise. I listened to it before Smut Nights became a thing so I was a bit suprised by the steamier bits, but that is in no way a complain ;) Can recommend it highly to anyone following you here!

Thank you for this reading program! It was a lot of fun! And thank you, just, for everything I guess!

omg omg you read my novel? I am torn between joy and wanting to hide under the bed. Just as a note to anyone who reads it now, please know I don't think it's cool for white guys to have dreads. It was really ridiculous that I wasn't aware of that in 2013.

I actually HAD to write the smut bits back then because the press (now defunct, hence it being self-published at this point and quite messy) required a certain steam level for novels.

AND MY MOTHER READ IT. She called me her 'little pornographer'. Truly a dark day.

But uh, being compared to Becky Chambers makes me want to ugly sob because I love all of her books very deeply, thank you.

And I love all of your reviews, my TBR list is now longer!

ANYWAY, please excuse me experiencing all my emotions at once, on to

YOUR POEM:

I wish I were a bonsai tree

so carefully tended

to be coaxed and trimmed

taking on a perfect shape

Would that I could give such peace

just by growing my tiny leaves

and reaching for the light

To be loved like that

for myself alone and the things

we make together

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night-dark-woods · 2 years

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ok so the d2 national coming out day bgs (with the exception of saint) have been bugging me for a BIT but i finally put my finger on Why beyond an overall personal dislike of word-of-god confirmations for characters identities.

please note i am approaching this from a METAtextual perspective: these characters are fake they do not exist irl to have these sexualities irl, therefore it does not MATTER if they *could* have these identities or if these experiences/traits *could* belong to real people with these identities. i am not saying anything about the validity of these traits for Real Life People.

it matters to me why BUNGIE, who created them and decides how they will be used to interface with the fandom & how they will be described, chose to use these labels for these characters, and this is why:

saint: no problem here, literally just a fuck you to homophobic gamer bros who still insist he and osiris are friends. totally great and fine. happy for all the gay grandpa enjoyers!

cloudstrider: of fucking course the post-human / gmo human / technologically enhanced human is nb. of fucking course. (also. why no trans bg. i suppose we have no canon art of micah but STILL).

drifter: beyond any bi vs pan discourse, the decision to specifically label drifter, who is the like, outside of society weirdo who spends the most time interfacing with various aliens and iirc is implied to have had relations with aliens At One Point, as the pan one is. Okay.

eramis: while i agree shes a lesbian (note the icon ive had since. before beyond light released i believe???), of all the female characters who prioritize relationships with women (ikora w/ eris & chalco, ana w/ her canon girlfriend, petra w/ mara, among others im sure im forgetting bc there are SO many gay people in this game) to confirm as a lesbian its the one thats a) a villain b) very much NOT gamerbait or interesting at all to gamer bros, so is a "safe" character to make a dyke since it isnt "stealing" the video game crush for a huge number of gamer bros. speaking of:

mara: of FUCKING course. the skinny conventionally hot white girl whose entire visual design SCREAMS gamerbait, who ONLY has meaningful relationships (both romantic and platonic) with women, with the exception of her brother*, who textually is ONLY interested in women, is confirmed as bi. again. this is not anything about the experiences or validity of irl bi people- a relationship history does not define your sexuality for REAL people. but the narrative DOES for fictional characters, and the decision of bungie to confirm that *The* gamerbait character (on par only with cayde for a different audience), who textually only cares about women, Actually Likes Men Too, Don't Worry! pisses me off.

*she and shaxx are MOURNING HER DEAD GIRLFRIEND, that they both care about. others smarter and more knowledgeable than i have critiqued that mess, i dont need to rehash it.

#my posts #i will not put this in the main tag. im not dealing w that. nor do i care that much. BUT. this has been eating at me.#i dont Think it should find its way in there. i didnt include any full words that would make that happen i think.

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mineral-vulture · 1 year

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Another ref sheet for another oc from my toon world setting. More specifically The Rainbow Gang setting.

Russell in the fictional show The Rainbow Gang was a minor character who got increased appearances due to popularity with fans because of his design, sweet level headed personality, and for the subtext of him being gay.

His first appearance had him on the university campus be surrounded by girls fawning over him. Two of the main characters both develop a crush on him which leads to both fighting for his attention. Throughout the episode they keep one upping the other, putting a wedge in their friendship. This results in the two of them arguing and Russell stops them. He tells them that he doesn't like the attention he gets from all the girls on the campus and that includes them. Russell also tells them they shouldn't be throwing away their friendship just for some guy. For some this episode was surprising since most would assume he would be a douche who uses women to feed his ego but this made fan endeared to him.

He would appear in other episodes either in the background or in small roles such as helping one of the characters find a lost bird since he is a bird keeper. Though the most well remembered episode of his starred Rad Mitch, an anthro Crested Guineafowl, desiring to be more popular with the ladies. He notices how much attention Russell gets and puts together a plan to ask him for help. He does and while Russell is reluctant Mitch is desperate so Russell obliges. He helps him out which results in the two hanging out a lot which both enjoy each other's company. The help works and Mitch gets a lot of attention from women but it becomes too much since this cuts into his and Russell's hanging out time. Mitch has a nightmare of a crowd dragging him and he is drowning in it. Then a winged Russell flies down and saves him. Mitch goes to Russell for help to undo all the things he learned which they both figure out how Mitch can get less attention from women. The plan they do works and Mitch and Russell continue to hang out together.

After the show ended there were fans who would remember this character and would look back on certain episodes (especially the Mitch episode) picking up hints about his sexuality. When the creator of the series passed away and an art book got released it was shown inside that Russell is in fact gay but also he was meant to be a hybrid of a deer and a bird. Showing a drawing what his design was suppose to be. But it was changed into him just being an anthro deer.

Nowadays in toon world, Russell is able to be who he was meant to be. An openly gay hybrid and is now older than he was in the series. He continues his bird keeping by fostering rescue birds.

#ref sheet #traditional art #anthro #toon #original character #furry #deer #bird #deer bird hybrid #hybrid #Russell Heartwell #Pierce's characters #mineral vulture art

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