Whumptober Day 18
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No. 17 HANGING BY A THREAT
Breaking Point | Stress Positions | Reluctant Caretaker
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Fandom: Genshin Impact
Characters: Shenhe, Shenhe’s dad, with a bit of Cloud Retainer at the end
Placement?: Canon backstory, back when Shenhe was a child, story of when she got her Vision
Word Count: 1801
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Shenhe was very tired.
She crouched against a corner of the cave, and she waited. On the first day and the second, she would shake and tremble as she hid, torn between burying her head in her legs to cry or keeping her eyes alert and staring at every dark shadow in fearful anticipation, but the excitement was long gone now. She just waited and she stared. Her body throbbed and ached, stinging with pain from her many wounds, but she didn’t tend to them. It was useless looking at them, because she didn’t know how to do anything to help them. Her mother used to fix her cuts and bruises, before she got sick. Her father helped her sometimes, too. She knew he wasn’t coming to help her now, though. Not this time.
“Daddy, where are we going?” she asked. Her dad had been gone for a while. Maybe now that he was back, they would do something exciting. Or just something. Anything would do. Even fishing sounded pretty exciting right now, and she wasn’t able to do much when they did that. She liked to watch the fish though. They flopped around a lot before they died.
“I have a surprise,” he said without looking at her. He kept walking ahead, holding her by the hand. He was going kind of fast. That meant he must be excited.
“Okay,” Shenhe said. That was fine; she could wait. The best surprises usually came with waiting, anyways.
Shenhe listened to the sound of a deep howl in the distance. The monster was probably coming back, soon. She clutched her mother’s dagger tighter. If Shenhe injured the monster enough, it would go away for a while, screaming in pain much louder than she ever screamed, bleeding black goo on the cave floor. When it came back, it wouldn’t be bleeding anymore. It would chase after her, and she would run away through the narrow tunnels, and then, when she had just the right moment, she would fight back and stab it until it went away again.
It howled again, closer this time. Shenhe stood up. Her legs were very tired. Thoughts started to come back that made her only more tired. Would this keep going forever? The monster wanted to eat her, but she didn’t want to be eaten. She wanted to live. She couldn’t get out of the cave, though. It was sealed shut where she and her dad came in. It was an exorcist seal. She knew it, because her parents were exorcists, and she saw them do stuff sometimes. She didn’t know how to get rid of it, though. They never taught her how.
She saw the red eyes first, peering through the shadows. It made a lot of scary sounds, but she was used to them. She watched it step closer to her, revealing inky black snakelike legs shimmering in the soft glow of the ore in the walls, stretching its head higher and smiling a little to reveal rows and rows of tiny stick-like teeth.
It lunged for her, and Shenhe dodged.
She stabbed it in the side and ran. It chased her like it always, leaving a trail of goo in its wake. Shenhe was almost cornered, but she turned around and she fought. She fought and she fought. She slipped on the goo once, falling in it. It lunged again but she rolled out of the way so it would hit the stony ground instead. Then she stabbed it again.
She wasn’t sure how long it was, before it left again. Shenhe was injured again. She was covered in both of their bloods, which was really gross, so she decided to brush it off. She snapped off a chunk of ore from the wall with her hands and used it to brush herself. She guessed she would wait here for a while before it came back.
Shenhe didn’t like thinking all that much, now. She didn’t like asking questions. Why did her father leave her here? Did she do something wrong? Or did he just not like her, anymore? He didn’t say anything, though.
Her dad was reciting something. She sat cross-legged on the ground, waiting patiently. Her father was an exorcist, so he did things like this sometimes, for training. Shenhe watched as the runes started to light up. Maybe he was going to teach her something, today? She was supposed to learn eventually, right?
Shenhe saw a dark form arise, with glowing blood-red eyes. It emerged one limb at a time, growling a terrifying, bone-shattering growl. Shenhe stood up, quickly. “Daddy!” She ran, and she hid behind him. It was a monster. Her heart pounded in her chest. It was a real monster. They had to run away. Her dad had to do something.
Gently, he placed his hand on her shoulder, and he moved her in front of him. “She’s yours,” he said.
Her dad turned and walked away. “D-DADDY!” she screamed, running for him, but she was cut short. Something grabbed her foot, pulling her backwards. Her dad never looked at her. This entire time, ever since they left, he never even looked at her. He walked away, and she reached out to him as the inky limb wrapped itself around her ankle and pulled her to the ground, dragging her away.
Shenhe didn’t understand. Her dad was a good person, an exorcist who helped people. They went fishing together. He told her stories at night before she went to bed. He loved her mom, very much. He loved them. So why? Did the monster make him do it? Did he have to? Shenhe wanted to believe that, but the feeling in her stomach said that it wasn’t true, because he didn’t even try. He just left her here because he hated her. Maybe she didn’t take care of Mom good enough. Maybe she made her tired, and that was why she got sick. Shenhe went swimming in a creek she wasn’t supposed to, once. The water was too fast, and she got swept away. Mom saved her, and her dad yelled at her for not doing what she was told. Maybe she made her mom sick because of that. Maybe this was her fault.
Shenhe wanted to live. She wanted to leave this place, too. She couldn’t stay here forever. She didn’t want to stay here forever. She would die if she did.
Shenhe started to cry. She hadn’t cried in a few days, she thinks. She didn’t know how long it was. Maybe it was years. It was all the same thing over and over, so she didn’t need to cry. But she was tired now. She cried, and once she started, she began crying a lot. It kept coming and coming. She didn’t want to stay here. She didn’t want to die.
She dropped to her knees, shoulders shaking with sobs. She wiped away blood and tears with her dirty sleeve. She didn’t want to die. She wiped away her face, and she looked down at her dirty dagger. It was a special dagger, her mom said. It could even cut demons. Not everything could cut demons like that. She was glad she had it. She could do something with it.
She could do something more.
Shenhe clutched the dagger tight. She didn’t want to keep going like this. She had to do something. She shook and trembled, but she didn’t think it was just fear. Maybe, it was anger, instead. She didn’t want to keep being hunted by this monster. She didn’t want it to keep healing faster than she did and going after her like this. It was a coward. She didn’t want to be afraid of a coward. She didn’t want to be afraid of anything. She was going to live. She was a hunter, because exorcists were a lot like hunters.
She was going to kill it.
She didn’t think much, after that. Her decision was already made. The monster left a trail of blood, and she could follow it. She would follow it to wherever it hid. It couldn’t go that far. She knew this cave really well, too.
She followed and she followed, hearing its moans of pain the closer she went. Then, she found. With a dagger in hand and tears still in her eyes, she stood face to face.
She wasn’t running. She wasn’t going to let it run, either. She had enough.
She saw red. She lunged for the demon and watched it recoil with a hiss and a howl. It fought back, biting on her, lashing at her with its tail. Shenhe tasted her own blood but kept going.
Once she started, she felt stronger, than before. She wasn’t weak. She wanted it dead, and she was going to win or she was going to die. She wasn’t going to let it be the cruelest evil to stalk the darkness; she was. She yelled and screamed, lifting her dagger to the air, plunging it down in its flesh. Die! Die already! She’s had enough of this. She just wanted to be alone.
She bled from new gashes torn across her skin. Her knees trembled, but she wasn’t finished. It didn’t matter what the demon wanted. It didn’t matter what her father wanted. She wanted to live.
She plunged down again, and with it came an icy burst. The dark room lit up with the white and blue blast, and Shenhe froze with it. Her hands were fixed on the hilt of the dagger, and the dagger was buried in a whole column of icy shards, with the demon at the center.
There was a moment of silence. The demon didn’t move; it didn’t howl; it didn’t do anything. It was dead.
Shenhe dropped to her knees, taking a slow moment to realize it. She was alone now.
She could sleep.
….
…
She felt feathers. They were warm and soft. She had been sleeping, but they were moving now.
It was light out, too. Moonlight, but close enough.
“Hrrngh?” she groaned. “Where am I?”
“Hmm? O-Oh!” a voice exclaimed. “You’re awake! Thank Rex La—ahem, I mean…yes, this is to be expected. You are safe now, child.”
She opened her eyes to look. She was lying face down on the back of a big bird. A talking bird. She straightened and looked out at the mountains. “We’re not going back?” she said tiredly.
“No, child, of course not. You’re safe. I promise.”
Shenhe nodded. Her dad said things like ‘promise’ too once, but this might be fine, because this bird was not him. “Who are you?”
“This one is Cloud Retainer, young one. Now, hang on tight; we just have a short ways further to go from here.”
“Okay.”
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I wonder how much of the Sargust fallout in 2.06 was due to August being an only child…
He clearly did not anticipate Sara reacting as badly as she did to finding out that her boyfriend had used her tipoff to blackmail her little brother. He probably figured she wouldn’t be happy. But her level of betrayal seemed to catch August off guard. But then, August doesn’t know what it’s like to be truly pissed off at your sibling, but they’re still your sibling.
I had a fight with my sister on the weekend, and we just made up via text. We’re both gone 40 and she’s married with 2 kids (who have their own sibling rivalry issues). But she’s still my little sister, and fighting with her is still not fun.
Sara in 1.06 was not happy with Simon, and I suspect that made it easier for her to cut that deal with August. Judging by 1.06, August could have assumed that Sara doesn’t like Simon very much, and won’t particularly care what August does to him. But again, August has no siblings.
Sara cut a deal with August in 1.06 when she felt betrayed by her brother and panic-stricken at the thought of her mother forcing her to return to the old school where she had been viciously bullied. But eventually Sara’s anger at her little brother cooled. And he remained her little brother.
A few months pass. Simon and Sara aren’t as close as they used to be, with Sara boarding at Hillerska this term. And Sara is preoccupied with both her secret romance and the pending sale of Rousseau. But Simon still tells her when he finds out it was August who leaked the video. And Sara tells August what Simon told her, expecting him to do the right thing. Is she naive for thinking that? Yes. But she’s also only 18 and in love.
Then August uses her information, not to confess his crime to the police “spontaneously” before Simon can turn him in. But instead to blackmail Simon with something or other (Sara doesn’t know the specifics) so Simon can’t turn him in. Sara must be doubting at this point whether she ever meant anything to August, or if he was just using her to keep her quiet about what she knew.
As it happens she’s wrong about that, but it’s not unreasonable for her to doubt August’s motives for pursuing her, given what she’s just found out about how he used the information she gave him. Note on the shooting range she says “Because I was in love with him.” Past tense. Not “Because I’m in love with him,” present tense.
Furthermore, when she tells the truth, partly because she fears Wilhelm will blow August’s head off, Simon is devastated. He trusted Sara, and she betrayed that trust. She betrayed it more than once, has had this information since December and got involved with August anyway. I don’t think it really hits Sara until this point just how badly she’s fucked up, or just how devastated Simon is.
He’s her little brother, he’s in pain, she wants to hurt the person who hurt him. But the person who hurt him is her. She did this to him. Sara is not a forgiving person, look at how she decisively cut Micke out of her life. She must be fearing that she’s ruined her relationship with her only sibling for the rest of her life, that he will never forgive her.
I personally think Simon will forgive Sara eventually. But Sara knows what it’s like to be betrayed by an immediate family member, and knows she will never forgive Micke. It’s not difficult to imagine Sara extrapolating from her own experience, and believing Simon will permanently cut her out of his life the way she has permanently cut their father out of her life.
So she’s hurt her only sibling very badly, and for what? For a guy who turned out to be a duplicitous asshole and used her tipoff to hurt her brother. Again.
And August thinks she’ll simmer down. Yeah, she walked away from him on the shooting range, but he approaches her the following morning confidently. He has an ace in the hole to get his girlfriend to stop flipping out: he’s bought Rousseau for her. August (again, an only child) assumes the gift of Rousseau will be sufficient recompense for deep-sixing Sara’s relationship with her brother.
It isn’t sufficient recompense, and August is taken aback when Sara refuses the magnificent gift. But August doesn’t understand the push-pull of sibling dynamics. That Sara is experiencing family loyalty at a very inconvenient time (from August’s point of view).
August’s father is dead, he’s clearly not close to his mother, and he hates his stepfather’s guts. And he has no siblings, nobody else who understands what it was like to grow up at Arnas with Carl Johan and Louise Horn as their parents.
He was pretty close to his second cousin Erik before Erik wrapped his Ferrrari around a tree. But it seems like that friendship didn’t really get close until a traumatized, recently bereaved 16 year old August showed up at Hillerska as a first year and Erik (then a third year) took August under his wing.
August and Erik knew each other all their lives, but they were only close for about 2 years. And given they first got close at 16 (August) and 18 (Erik), that’s not actually analogous to a sibling relationship. Erik was already old enough to drink and vote, and August only a few years off. That’s not spending your childhood together.
And we’ve seen how superficial August’s friendships with his two best friends at Hillerska are. In S1, August and Vincent trash talk Nils behind his back for being nouveau riche. In S2, given an opportunity, Vincent sells August out, and Nils helps Vincent do so. August does not have any siblings, nor any sibling-like relationships where mutual loyalty is crucial.
So August sees Sara sell Simon out in 1.06 and takes that at face value. He doesn’t realize that Sara is angry with Simon at that point, but will get over it. Because August doesn’t understand the messiness of sibling relationships. Or their importance.
I know adults who have cut siblings out of their lives because that sibling had hurt them so grievously they said enough. But I don’t know anyone who has cut a sibling out of their life without giving it serious thought beforehand. Even if they’re better off without that sibling in their life, it’s still a huge decision. Sometimes it’s a bigger decision than cutting a parent out of their life.
Matters are complicated somewhat by divorce, remarriage, half-siblings, step-siblings, etc. obviously. But generally speaking, if you spent a significant chunk of your childhood living in the same house as someone, the decision to cut them out of your life is a very serious one.
My best friend has two older half siblings she is not close to and has never been close to. But one is 20 years her senior and the other 18 years her senior. She is the only child of her father’s second marriage, and she acts like an only child. The combination of her father’s divorce from his first wife and the massive age gap means she has very few shared experiences with her half-siblings. Now, part of that is on her dad. But part of it is simply that both her half siblings are old enough they could be her parents themselves.
So yeah, August was raised as an only child. Even if it turns out Carl Johan fathered another child out of wedlock at some point, that hypothetical half-sibling didn’t grow up with Carl Johan. There might be curiosity, it might even lead to a bond eventually, but there won’t be the shared childhood experiences.
Whereas Sara and Simon are full siblings close in age. Furthermore, they grew up together, in a traumatic family situation with a father who was an addict (and possibly abusive to boot) and a mother who meant well but was struggling to cope. Even if Simon and Sara never reconnect, they will still always have those shared experiences of growing up as Micke and Linda Eriksson’s children.
So I really don’t think August saw Sara’s total disillusionment with him in 2.06 coming. Because August isn’t anyone’s brother and doesn’t really get it.
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I think there's a deep kind of injury we get from spending such a big chunk of our life loving people whoa are abusive. Because we give our love and attention to them, we care not to hurt them, if they seem hurt we try to comfort them and make it better for them, if they need help we offer a hand, we even forget all of our feelings in order to prioritize theirs and try hard to make them happy.
But they do the exact opposite to us. They don't care not to hurt us, if we seem hurt they use it as an advantage to do further damage, if we need comfort they give us disgust, if we need help they humiliate and ridicule and shame us. They prioritize themselves to the point where we don't even exist except as a resource. And we get used to it. To the point where we don't know how any other type of love looks like. To the point where we don't even expect anything else.
And sometimes they go and do something so incredibly cruel to us, it feels like a betrayal. We work hard to protect these people from harm, we light ourselves on fire to keep them warm, we fight for them, we stand on their side. They then go ahead and push us into the worst pain we could possibly experience. It's shocking, disarming, almost unbelievable that anyone could do this, that anyone could be that cruel, and for no good reason at all. Having our love be returned with cruelty damages us permanently. We no longer even expect the same love back when we love someone, we are just hoping they won't turn around and damage us. If we get completely neglected but not actively attacked, we feel grateful!
And if someone later does even a tiny thing that hurts us, we start re-living every past instance where our love was returned with cruelty and the pain of it can crush us. We can't cope with the slightest injustice anymore because it's triggering, it's been so far over our limit we'd rather not have anyone in our life anymore than be betrayed over and over again. It makes us vulnerable and crushed by betrayal so much worse than the average person would feel it. Where we should get mad we feel broken, horrified and helpless.
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