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prettyboykatsuki · 5 days

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BLOOD FEUDS, ANCIENT AND MODERN | RYOMEN SUKUNA.

✮ tags ; no curses au, blood incest, use of honorifics (oji-san) abuse (mostly verbal / emotional), classism, grooming / generally predatory behavior, large age gaps (20+ yrs), blood feuds, imbalanced power dynamics, white collar crime, afab + fem!niece!reader, uncle sukuna, the word rape used in text, non/dubcon (not noncon necessarily), fingering, petnames (little one, kid, little lamb), thigh-fucking, and other things, very horrible and gross sukuna behavior 18+

this is very dark and it deals BRIEFLY with sukuna being very predatory to reader when she's UNDERAGE / young. nothing explicit happens WHILE she is underage, but sukuna does leer at reader and it is mentioned. please proceed with caution !!!

PLEASE HEED THE TAGS BEFORE YOU PROCEED!!!

✮ wc ; 10.3k (???????????)

✮ a/n ; thank you vic @saintshigaraki for always indulging my nonsense and also tomfoolery. kissing you.

i'll be honest lads this one got away from me BAD jksdfhjs. i think its interesting at least.I KNOW THE TAGS ARE WICKED but i promise its like. kind of sexy at least.

also yes the title is from the rdr2 soundtrack shhh

✮ synopsis ; blood is thicker than water. resentment, you think, is thicker than both.

Bastard.

An intimately familiar title, lacking tooth and effect. It's meaning eroded with time and usage - and a moniker you've wielded proudly for as long as you can remember. You don't recall much of your life before it became part of you.

The daughter born of wedlock. Bastard daughter. The only remaining stain to your family's reputation aside from your late father.

Your mother often tells you that you were her hardest child to birth. When you were littler it was a story relayed to you with affection, and but now it's with such bitter hatred you can feel it lodged in your throat.

The most important element is the predestination in it. You came into the world kicking and screaming, throat hoarse and violent. From birth, you knew you were half-forged with bad blood and came into the world trying to be absolved of it. It's shaped your life, your relationships, everything about you.

The other half of your DNA, the good half, is from your father. Before you were a bastard, you were your parents' only child. Your father was a good man. The best you know. An average, humble man. From a generation of other working class men with a tough job in construction. Your best memories come from when he was still alive.

A quiet life, untainted by the residual bitterness of your mothers heritage. You lived away from it, outside of it. The mother in your memories from back then seem like a dream now, some mirage from long ago - disinterested in anything but you and your father. Your mama and papa. Your father took good care of you both, and your mother loved him madly.

You lived as a normal family in a small apartment just outside of Gifu for the first seven years of your life. You attended a small local school and had friends with crooked teeth and messy hair.

Your childhood was mostly happy if you break it up into pieces like that. Blissfully uneventful.

There's a concise break of change of what your life was versus what became of it. Your fathers death the splinter in the wood, separating the two halves.

The worst of your childhood, of course, came in your fathers passing. Not just because of the loss, but what it made of your life. His funeral welcomed people of all walks of life with the most notable absence of your elusive mothers side of the family.

Another old memory you have with your mother is looking at her face during your fathers wake. The deep darkness of her eyes, sunken in and hollow. The first time you ever found her terrifying instead of comforting. While the world mourned your father, your mother—you think—mourned her life.

Forced into single motherhood with no prospects and no career, your mother decided it was best for the both of you to return home.

You think the worst of your life started there.

Your mother's side of the family has never welcomed you with open arms. You wouldn't come to know why until much later. You were a child then. There's no way you could've known about feuds that deep.

The only thing you knew was that you were hated vehemently, and nothing could change that.

Your grandmother's estate was always frightening to you in your childhood. You've yet to grow out of that feeling despite living there for the last fifteen years. It's remained unchanged since you moved in and the lights in the hall never seems bright enough. Jade green painted walls and white tile floors. Some rooms have classically Japanese flooring and heirloom paintings from the Heian era. Others modernized with sterile whites and grays and house plants that add no life to it at all. Stretched wide with tens of rooms, and easy for a child to get lost in.

A sinking abyss. A terrible place. A dark labyrinth. Anxiety inducing to even think about now. No place for a child your size or your age.

The best way to describe your childhood after your father died was cold. Removed from your life in the suburbs and placed among other rich kids, you became overtly self-conscious of the differences between you and them. Them being anyone who grew up wealthy and your other extended family. You were constantly reminded of your place as the bastard child. Later learning how your mother left her fiance many years ago for your father, your poor and worthless father.

(You theorize any warmth that your mother had for you was buried in your dead dads casket. Living there, among them, made sure she'd never find it again.)

Your mother is the most complicated part of your life. You don't have a time for when she gave up on raising you. There was a year when she tried, you think. For the most part, you lived in that house utterly alone.

At first that abandonment was miserable (as it would be to any child, certainly) but a time came where you were glad you saw so little of her.

Your mother, who you had once loved and thought highly of, became a pitiful prey animal in the four walls of your grandmother's house. Small and anxious and utterly hateful. A bunny born with some cosmic knowledge and horrific understanding that its destiny is to become food for a wolf. Viciousness between her siblings, no doubt fostered by your grandparents and their establishment, tore apart the aspects of her your father mended and ruined her. You were too little to stop it.

Blood feuds that ran bone-chillingly deep plagued most of the interactions with your extended family for as long as you've been a part of them. Your mother has exactly four siblings. Two sisters between her with her as the middle daughter, and two brothers. One of which is estranged so completely you don't know his name.

And the other being your Uncle Sukuna.

Your hatred for your aunts and their children came to you rather naturally. For every gala and ball and charity fund your worthless bloodline ever raised, came catty arguments and verbal abuse from the shallow mouths of your beloved cousins. You had nothing to prove to anyone in that house. You were detested since your birth and your grandparents made no small effort to show you through as much neglect and verbal lashing as they could get away with.

Rotten girl. Cursed daughter. You're the reason your mother is like this. You're the reason she is miserable. You should've been buried with your father.

Compared to the experience of your grandfather ripping into you at age ten for simply being alive, your cousin's commentary on you was remarkably uninteresting. You resented them for being nuisances, though, with the exception of maybe one who bucked it out of that place as soon as they could. Just like you planned too.

For a long time, Sukuna wasn't around enough to have a real presence in your consciousness. You tried not to think of your extended family more than you had too. You got used to not knowing about your relatives living there, but there was no one so elusive as him.

It was as if, increasingly, you heard whispers of his name at everything you were forced to attend.

The first time you ever meet your Uncle, you're freshly sixteen. It's the birthday party your mother throws for you each year in an effort to show how close the two of you are to the rest of your relatives.

The first time you see Sukuna in person, the only thing on your mind is how much he stands out from the rest of your relatives. He's a head taller than the tallest person there, and he's...bigger. He's not clean or neat, scruff lining his chin. Old, dark eyes. Visible tattoos that reek of disgraced son and hardly of prodigy.

At sixteen, you understood intimately what your family considered to be gold standard. Your uncle was antithetical to it. His very existence a paradox to the ideas you've had been hammered into you for years. Dyed hair, piercings, tattoos - his suit jacket undone to expose his chest. Lacking respect and formality and dignity.

He was a lot like you. You got that impression, somehow.

When your eyes met with your uncles for the first time, you had your second fully formed thought about him.

Dangerous. Like an alarm. Like a ringing bell, throbbing through your skull and pulsing through your teeth. Some part of you just knew that he was a very dangerous man. Not just a wealthy one.

The first conversation you ever had with your uncle proves to be the most significant. Brief, yet - tonal in all ways. The gold standard for how he viewed you. How he would view you.

How he would treat you.

("So you're the new brat,"

Your uncle is an imposing man. You are sixteen and slightly tipsy, which is the least horrible thing you could be since your other cousin is coked out in the bathroom upstairs. You sway, staring at him. You think that's disrespectful.

He's the kind of man who might kill you for that. Might hit you. But you don't find it in yourself to challenge your defiance when you're far from sober and even father form happy. You lean your weight to one side and hum.

"New bastard," You correct him, and take another sip of the flute of champagne in your hand. "My worthless fathers, worthless daughter."

Sukuna pauses, his eyes widening before his lips break out into a grin. You wonder if it's because you're drunk. You think he's staring at you. Your eyes are too blurry to tell but you think he's gazing down the low dip of your top. At the curve of your chest. Leering at the body you've yet to even grow into.

"Tenacious," Your uncle says, and takes a long drink of his sake. You stare at the edge of his glass, carmine eyes gazing so deeply at you - you think you'll throw up. "You're your mothers daughter. Through and through.")

The night of your sixteenth birthday, your uncle announced he'd be opening a business venture in Tokyo. All this time he'd been doing work overseas, but seeing family helped finalized his decision. You remember the look on his face when he announced it. Remembered his eyes searching on you through the crowd as he held the mic up to his lips. How he named you the main reason, one conversation and he grew so fond of his little niece. That you were a clever girl, and that even though he hadn't known you long - he was sure you'd go so far.

Happy Birthday to you, little lamb.

You remember best the feeling afterwards. How the crowd went nearly silent. Hundreds of eyes darting your way in seas of strangers. All the attention people hadn’t paid suddenly mattering, all the congratulations. You remember how they crowded you and how your uncle came to your rescue with a cheeky grin and air of nonchalance.

You remember feeling sick. You remember the chill creeping up your spine, bile in your throat - all wet eyes and nausea.

Your uncle is a dangerous man. And you, the uninteresting bastard daughter, had caught his full attention.

The next four years of your life would pass so slowly, you often wondered during them, if you died that night and you'd live through these days as punishment for the crime of existing.

A little after your birthday, your uncle moved back to Japan permanently - in a residence not far from your grandmother's estate. He became a permanent fixture in your life. Many things came with that reality, none of them being especially pleasant.

You learn three things in the four years you spend with your uncle in your life.

The first is that your uncle is more powerful than you can really understand.

Through conversations at your kitchen table about his escapades abroad, you learn nothing of the work he actually does. Only what it involves, who it involves - foreign governments and people much more powerful than your family. Your uncle has ties to the Gojo family, and the Zenins'. Your time here teaches you that they make up two halves of private militarized arms and they work domestically and internationally. The only thing you need to know about them is they are filthy rich, richer than your own family and twice as corrupt.

And Sukuna works with them. Knows them rather intimately, from the pictures you've seen of Sukuna and Gojo Satoru drinking together - two prodigal sons with silver spoons and unsettling demeanors.

The second thing you learn is that your uncle's power and influence extend past all borders and include your grandparents and relatives. In the years he'd been away from home, he's garnered a formidable reputation. You never cared to notice it before, but it's all you can see now. Every arrogant, vapid relative you have the displeasure of calling family sees your uncle as some sort of king. The golden ticket to grandparents approval. A wishing well for all their hopes and dreams - so long as they appease him.

They fawn over him. Sukuna knows it. But they're all so busy trying to get on his good side they never catch his subtleties. Never seem to notice the cold sarcasm and biting edge to his questions. They pander and peacock to him constantly, but not one of them has sense enough to understand him a little deeper. Except you, incidentally. That's part of your problem

The third thing you learn about your uncle is that he takes pleasure in your cleverness no one in your life has since.... who knows? Since your father died, you think.

And you are clever. A head smarter than the rest of your family and a try-hard in all aspects. You graduated highschool top of your class and got scholarships into better schools. It was never about proving your worth of course, but about survival. You wanted away from this place, and the only way to cut your ties completely is to carve a life for yourself. Academia, education, using your name to make connections - you've been working silently on it since you were in middle school.

The only person who'd ever noticed your accomplishments was Sukuna. In between his work, he'd visit you in your room. You grew close in one sense of the word. It was a secret kept between you - but Sukuna often reminded you of it. That he saw you for who you were when no one else did. That his interest in you exceeds your own understanding, and it'd be in your best interest to remember that.

Some half-way between threats and affection, for four years - your uncle remained at your side. Uneasy as you were, he'd never try to advance on you while you were still in highschool. Some part of you knew he wasn't above it. Rather his interest hinged on getting to know you.

Your uncle is above all things manipulative.

Rather he preferred to keep you on your toes during the duration of your time together. To get close but not too close. To get to know each other openly. Your uncle made sure everyone in your family knew of his fondness for you. He'd keep you close to his side or follow you around, always in public places with a million eyes. He'd whisper to you, laughed and asked questions.

You hated being the center of attention, so Sukuna turned it on you any chance he got. It made it hard for you to refuse him, but mostly it made it hard to go under the radar without his protection. It made it hard for your relatives to insult and berate you.

You hated it. You hated accepting his kindness, because you know your uncle well enough to know that everything in the world came with a cost. And that this protection is little more than luxury, promised to you as long as you played nice.

And you always did play nice. But you were cautious. Never alone too long in the same room. Never somewhere too late. Never drunk, never high. Always within distance of a door. Sukuna was a dangerous man, and you may be a bastard but you're no fool.

It'd work for years. You evaded any real alone time with him for years. Years.

Until earlier this year where your mother had made arrangements for you to spend the summer with your dear old Uncle - in his villa, far from the safety of Japan's main island.

In the years of your uncle's favoritism towards you, no one has been more pleased than your mother. You've come to hate her for it. Your relationship hasn't been good in years and for her to suddenly attempt to be your mother again felt like a mockery.

(It mostly felt like a betrayal. You didn't think she could betray you a second time after she all but abandoned you the minute she stepped foot in that house.

Like something possessing the corpse of the mama in your dreams, your seething hatred towards her started then you think.)

You'd spent years indifferent to her, but it was this change that made you hate her down to your bones. You were furious about the decision. Furious she didn't bother asking, furious about all of it.

About everything.

An entire summer alone with the man you know to be most dangerous to you. You wouldn't put it past Sukuna, to plan this around you - but it didn't make it any less frustrating.

("You'll be going with your uncle," Your mother says, hardly listening to you. There's a baby on her hip, your half-brother and a vacant look in her eyes. You feel your jaw tighten. "We've already made plans. Your stepfather,"

"Your husband." You correct. Your mother gives you a tight-lipped smile.

"We are going on a family vacation. Your grandparents wouldn't tolerate you here alone , so you're going and that's final."

"I don't need to live with you," You seethe, fighting the urge to grab her and punch her. You've never been violent. Your mother makes you homicidal. "I can find my own fucking place, I'm twenty I don't need-"

She slams something. Your half-brother makes watery eyes. She stares at you distantly, righteously angry. Whether she's earned that anger or not, it makes your mood worse. .

"This is the least you could for me. For us." She hisses, turning around. You think of killing her. "For all the shit you put me through."

"What I put you through? Fuck you," You admit, your throat burning like a star falling through the atmosphere. Then, through a shaky breath"There's something off about him, mom. Do you understand what I'm fucking saying? Where you're sending me?

Three expressions pass over her face. The ghost of grief, some kind of solace and then more vacancy. She swallows, turns around to keep folding baby clothes. Her voice trembles. She knows she's sending you to your doom. Knows what waits for you as soon as you go.

"You're going. We need this." She says, and still doesn't turn to look at you. Her voice is so frigid it doesn't sound like hers anymore. "That's final."

You shouldn't be shocked by it anymore, but it doesn't make it easier.

You slam the door on your wait out. You hope their plane crashes on the way there.)

You tried your best to worm your way out of the situation before the semester closed out. But Sukuna, three steps ahead of you at all times, made sure that wasn't possible. Your uncle owned a villa out on an island, private - and the bags had already been packed. You'll like it there, he assured you so many times, it's comfortable. There's a good view and the kids in the place will remind you of the kids you grew up with.

(It's hard not to notice the ways in which Sukuna tempts you into wanting to go. Though there's nothing, truly, that could make the experience a pleasant one - it's posed to appeal to you. A place to remind you of your childhood. You try not to think about it.)

Despite your protests, despite your vehement frustration - there was nothing you could do but go. If you didn't go with Sukuna, it'd be enduring 3 months alone with your grandparents. You could try to crash with friends but the friends you've made so far wouldn't dream of being so polite and you dare not think of burdening your childhood friends with your family problems. They deal with enough as is.

The last option was running away. You're desperate enough to entertain it. You do, several times - considering what the worst outcome could be. All scenarios end with Sukuna coming to find you, because he's crazy and connected like that. Even if he's deliberate in not displaying those parts of himself, you know his apathy to be a facade.

You know him well. He knows you well. It feels like a competition to see who can outsmart the other that you were forced into with no say.

So, come the end of your third year of college - a driver picks you up right as your finals are finished to take you to the airport. A private jet, a nauseating display of wealth just for your uncle to torment you with you're sure.

On the plane ride to a small island on the coast of Japan, you think to yourself that all gods in the world must've abandoned you before you were ever born.

The first few weeks of your stay in the island of Nii-jima prove to be uneventful.

For a small island, it's still governed through something related to Tokyo. It's not the city or even the country, some quiet and relaxing in between. There are people here who've lived for generations and others who are only touring. Your uncle's villa though, is far from all life - and a few miles out from a beach.

You can hardly understand what a single man needs such a big house for. There's staff there too, though less than at your grandparents place which you're grateful for. You've met six of eight, two of them people who take care of the yards and garden.

Sato-san is the woman you see most often. The one cook Sukuna has and the woman who's been working longest. She is kindhearted and sturdy, often bringing her grandchildren with her. She's quiet and motherly - and so warm you're unsure of how to behave around her. Your uncle is seemingly fond of her which is saying a lot. She speaks highly of him.

It's been so long since you've experienced something like maternal warmth, you're awkward around her. You try to not be too attached, try not to be fond of anything in this house because you know something horrible and dormant lies within it and you do not want to stay. Don't even want to entertain the idea of staying.

But Sato-san is good to you, with wrinkles and sunspots and a bright laugh. Her grandchildren are so well-behaved you wonder about how they were raised. A girl about seven and a boy about four, always quiet and inattentive. You've grown fond of them too, despite how bad you normally are with children. They're easy to be around.

You're frustrated mainly because you don't hate being here. The people are kind and welcoming and everyone locally is pleasant and good. You've been in the city too long, with insane people too long, and everything feels refreshing. The bus here is free and you can be at the beach whenever you like. You've made friends here - organically, with no strings attached. .

For the first time in your twenty years of living, you even have a guy you think is cute. It seems small, but back home everyone knows who you are. You've never had a relationship work out for one reason or another, but here? Here no one knows you, and the boy you meet at the beach with his friends is just a boy.

You don't want to like being here, but you do - and you don't want Sukuna to come back and he will. Nothing ever works out for you.

The worst of your luck you think builds on the edge of that thought.

You come home tonight doing a lot of things you would not normally.

For one, you've gotten yourself drunk. The reason being the cute boy aforementioned invited you down to the beach with his friend. You justified going thinking if you were going to be miserable all summer - a single good memory wouldn't kill you.

You had fun. Your swimsuit is underneath your short skimpy clothes, and you sat in his lap and made-out with him all evening. Got to pretend you were a normal girl and you got to kiss for the first time. You still reek of alcohol and his cheap cologne. Blissfully uneventful.

When you stumble into the foyer of the house with blurry vision and hear the T.V. playing, you know it instinctively that peace is going to be short-lived. You know that your uncle is home, and that he was waiting for you.

All the hairs on your neck raise. A shift in the atmosphere makes it hard to think clearly. Your lungs barely get enough oxygen in them to keep you upright. You think of leaving. You think of running up marble stairs to your room in hopes he won't catch you.

"Brat," Is yelled from the living room. Right, as if you'd ever get so lucky. You jump in your skin. "You home?"

Your stomach churns. You feel sick.

"Come to the living room."

You go obediently when Sukuna calls you, trying not to stumble over your two feet.You don’t think there’s more options than fearful compliance.

Your uncle is watching Scarface on the big flatscreen on the TV. The subtitles are on in Japanese though you don't think he needs them. He only barely turns his head to look at you, his interest piqued when he sees what you're wearing.

You feel sixteen again, self-conscious of your body and womanhood. He hides it even less than he did the first time - the leering. He notices your skimpy shorts and top, the bottom of your bikini. And he grins, and stares but doesn't say anything.

"Oh?" He says, calm and casual, glancing back at the T.V. "Finally went and had some fun did you? Thought all that studying turned you into a bookish little shut-in permanently."

You don't say anything, arm clutching your other self-consciously.

"Did you need something?"

He snickers, low and predatory. "Come on. You're here to spend time with me so let's spend time together."

You don’t bother asking where he’s been for the last few weeks. Your gut churns, feet heavy as they drag you to the far end of the couch. Sukuna stares as you sit hesitantly. You have no doubt he's going to make you move, but he's kind enough to leave you alone for now.

"Have fun on your..." He gives you another knowing look then laughs. "Outing?"

You aren't sure how to respond. "Just drank with some friends."

"Friends," He mimics, feeling the words out in his mouth. "The kind of friends that smudge the lipstick off your mouth, huh brat?"

You flush suddenly, embarrassed - and Sukuna barks a laugh. You don't know what he's expecting you to say there so you opt for nothing.

"Sorry," Is the only thing you can manage. Placating. He lets out a puff of air through his nose and relaxes further. There's an air to him, of nonchalance, that unsettles you more than if he was angry or unpleasant. Your throat bobs.

"You're a big girl now," He comments - sleazy and indignant. His indecency towards you, about you glints like a star. A sharp canine and piercing red eyes examine you from his peripherals. "Now that you're showing off it's only natural boys flock to you, hm?"

You can't explain the way this comment makes you feel. So much said with so little. The gap between is and has always been miles wide except sometimes it's not. Your uncle is unusual. Cold-blooded, manipulative, ruthless. There's no warmth in him in a comfortable, loving way.

There's even less of a normal relationship between you.

But you both exist in this space with... similar awareness. Of the world. Of yourselves. There's a conscious intelligence to him that's reflected in you - that you are both fractured parts of your grandparents bloodline in two separate bodies. That self-awareness affords him a presence. In your mind. In your fear.

You are undoubtedly related. Sukuna revels in that.

It’s rare to see that kind of awareness in your family. You’ve never felt threatened by people dumber than you, even if they had more power or money. Vapid and shallow and useless - there’d never been anything that could win you on. It might sound cocky, but it’s true. It’s been true.

It’s why Sukuna frightens you. He has everything, but above all - he’s smart. And hard for you to read.

You swallow, shakily - your eyes looking down at your hands. In a profoundly long beat of silence, the movie plays. A fair bit of gunshots echo through the loud speaker and they startle you.

"You scared? Come sit closer, then." He tells you, less than asks you.

You stand and sit next to him, still a distance away. Sukuna remains unmoving. You don't know what to do with yourself.The silence seems to stretch for miles and minutes. Sukuna just watches the T.V. and stares at his phone - occasionally answering messages. You stay like that for a long time.

"Need a smoke," He says, and it's not really directed at you. "Maybe later. Wouldn't wanna make you sick."

"People smoke around me all the time."

"Do you smoke?"

You shake your head, too tipsy to lie. He laughs at that. "Not even weed?"

You don't bother mentioning legality, you both know it doesn't matter between your lineage.

"Don't like the taste."

"How interesting. What a straight-edge kid. Most I've seen you get is drunk and this is the drunkest I've ever seen you. Still sober enough to talk clearly though."

"I just drink socially,"

"Ohh," He says, and then grins a little sharper. "A little shot of courage to fuck that little college boy then?"

This makes you jolt. "We didn't fuck—"

"No?" He looks genuinely surprised at this, though it's mild. "Poor kid must've wanted too if you came around him wearing that. Unless he came in his pants soon as you sat on him. Boys that age do stuff like that,"

The comment about his age reminds you of how old your uncle really is, and something in your chest flares hot.

"It wasn't that either—I've never-"

He cuts you off. "You're a virgin?"

You flush, stopping yourself from answering and he laughs.

"Ohhh, that's good. Very good," He grins, so genuinely pleased it makes you shiver. "I like virgins. Easy to please."

"That's—It wasn't for you."

For the first time in your relationship, Sukuna bridges the gap between you. He sits up and forward, his hand finding the bare skin of your knee. He rests it there, his thumb circling the flesh.

"Don't touch me," You hiss. Sukuna tightens his grip, but not threateningly. He turns to look at you that time, and you can't help but look back.

There's something in his degeneracy that horrifies you. It's fondness, you think. Genuine fondness.

"You sure?" He licks his teeth in a way that reminds you of a wolf. But not one that's starving. There's no desperation in his actions, but a self-assurance. Wolves don't often survive alone, but Sukuna has. And he hungers with the confidence of a predator who has killed all that stand before him. That's never been told no to what he wants to eat.

Your heart stops. Your voice a low whisper. "Stop,"

"You say that but you came in the house looking all desperate for sex and approval. You always look like that. Have for a little longer than what's normal for a girl your age,"

"I don't look like that!"

"You would've fucked that little college twerp if you stayed wouldn't you? Nothing wrong with honesty, brat."

Before you have a chance to understand what goes on around you, Sukuna changes position. You've never gotten a chance to feel and experience how strong he is - not like the way he's manhandling you now. You gasp at the arm around your waist and back. He pins you to the couch in a swift motion, not sure how he's done it, the alcohol making you dizzy.

Sukuna has never crossed the boundary with you like this before. Your heart is thumping loud, beating against your ribs. The source of it eludes you. If it's fear or discomfort or some other thing entirely causing such noice.

There's a certain blase in his attitude that makes you forget momentarily about the taboo and gives way just to the tension between you. You feel it for the first time with his body pressed against you, all hot and heavy. He smells of cologne, but it lacks the acidity cheap ones tend to have. There’s strong hints of cigarettes and aftershave accompanying it. Appearance wise, he has lines in his face like a man in his forties.

You don't know what's wrong with you. With a relationship so fucked up from the start, you thought crossing this line would feel different. You think you want to throw up, but you're completely calm.

You want to be disgusted. You want to thrash and kick and scream and fight. You squirm away from him, the threads of what's left of your moral conscience urging you to do so. Like a last ditch effort to keep you sane.

But there's just. Something. Something so inevitable about it that your heart doesn't beat at all. The panic itself feels hollow in nature. You are a rotted log and Sukuna has ripped the soft wood out of you with relative ease. But you’ve been that way for a long time, and nothing hurts. Not really.

It's relieving in the worst way.

"Get away from me,” You whisper again with noticeably less fight. Sukuna looks at you bright-eyed.

"You're a good kid," He says. The genuine praise knocks the air out of your lungs. That disgusts you more than anything else happening between you so far. "Interesting. A lot brighter than the other kids in our family."

Our family. You wince. .

"Stop, this is—" You don't know what word to use. He's your uncle and you're his niece and he's been gazing at you like this for god knows how fucking long. "Stop."

"You've got something going on behind your eyes at least, even if you're still just a wet-nosed and angry little housecat," He says, staring down at you. He's so imposing. His facial hair and his various tattoos. Everything about him, down to his bones. "But I can't tear my eyes away from you at the same time. You know that?."

You do know that. You cast your gaze away.

"I applaud how cautious you've been. But it didn't make a difference in the end. You know that too, right?"

You don't say anything.

"Clever little lamb you are, indeed. I like that about you." He hums, leaning down closer to you. His face is inches from yours. "You should be smart enough to know how this ends. But you know, you've been so entertaining to me this whole time I feel like I should at least be a little nice. So I'll offer you something. A deal of sorts, we can even write it on paper."

This catches your interest and he knows it does. He knows. You’re cut from the same cloth. And this place has made you lose your character, just like it always does. So if it means your survival and sanity or your morals, one comes before the other.

He grins at you.

"Come stay with me. Here in Nii-jima and back at my estate at home. I'll take care of your expenses and whatever else. I have better connections than the old hag," He says, leaning down even closer to you. You can smell him. He's intoxicating "You can be away from everything. I'll even let you have boyfriends and girlfriends over. You can throw sleepovers. I don't care. You can do whatever you want."

"What's in it for you?"

You can feel his knee press up against your cunt through your shorts and you gasp, hand going up to his shoulder. "This. Been thinking about this tight little cunt for a while now. You'd have to be at my beck and call. We'd be the closest uncle and niece in all of Japan," He snickers.

You wince at the reminder. You hate yourself for considering it. "Why me? There are plenty of women who are dying to fuck you."

He scoffs a little.

"Once we get you a little farther from the trenches kid, you might start to understand me. Wealth, fortune, fame - all of it's fucking boring. I came back to Japan prepared to leave again but you made me stay. Not much more to it than that."

"You're fucking your blood-niece out of curiosity? Your sister's daughter?"

"My sister never did anything good with her life except marrying your father and making you." Sukuna says, and laughs lightly. You hate how validated it makes you feel. Your skin crawls. "I'll have to thank her for it. She'll be pleased.

You make a face at him, uncertainty. Apprehension. Fear. Frustration. Everything you’ve been compartmentalizing comes bubbling to the surface and making your head feel weighted with lead. You want to kill everyone and everything including him. You want to run away from this place. You want to go home, though you don’t know where that would be anymore. They demolished your old apartment years ago.

You think spending a few years getting fucked and used might be less miserable than the suffocation of living with your mother and your baby brother and your grandparents. How much abuse you’ve endured already vs. what awaits you when their true heir starts to walk and talk horrifies you.

You look at him.

“You’re horrible.”

“Tell me something new.”

“I hate you. I don’t…want this. Any of this. I want to go home.”

You’re just venting. Really. You’ve made the choice already.

“Has there ever been a time where it’s been about what you want? I doubt it. But if you stay with me, appease my wishes for a while, well,” He laughs confidently. “You’ll get something, at least. Better than what you have.”

“The contract. Are you serious about that?”

He laughs at you. “Sure. If it makes you feel better, you can draft it and I’ll just have my lawyer sign. Bring your defenses. Whatever. Don’t really care as long as I get what I want.”

“And that’s me?”

“Seems like it,”

You purse your lips. It seems like a rash decision to make in the moment, but truthfully your heads never felt so clear. Even with the alcohol.

“...Fine.”

Sukuna hums when you agree. It feels anti-climatic somehow. Not that he’s not expecting your yes but that you’ve come to accept it so easily. It’s not like this takes away from the coercion, from the awful feeling of being violated. Sukuna was going to rape you whether you liked it or not. This way, at least, you get something out of it. This way it’s something you choose. Something tangible results from your inevitable doom - the fate your mother damned you to.

It affords you some plausible deniability too. In truth, you’re afraid for yourself. You’re afraid of what will happen when he finally does cross the line completely. You’re afraid you’re going to accept it, that it’s going to feel pleasurable, that years of repressing yourself will come back to make sure you never return to normalcy.

What will become of you when Sukuna has his way with you? Will you become a more apathetic version of yourself? Is it possible? Will you sober and feel like scrubbing your skin clean in the shower?

The worst outcome, you think, is nothing so horrible happening. The worst outcome is knowing you’ve fallen far enough for none of it matters at all.

Sukuna grins down at you. “What a well-behaved niece I have. Good girl. You’ll do well living with me.”

You make a displeased face at him, but your breath catches in your lungs soon after. Your uncle leans in to kiss you and you close your eyes trying to get away from it. But it’s true that your body has been burning up from the inside since you came back home - a dull throbbing between your legs turning you all kinds of stupid.

When Sukuna kisses you - your first thought is that he’s unexpectedly gentle.

You didn’t think he’d care about kissing to begin with. In your head you thought he’d tug off your shorts brutishly and fuck you without any prep. You were readying yourself for tears and pain, for screaming and crying - the sharp sobs of your own voice piercing your ears.

A gentle press of lips startles you from your drunk haze. You can feel the scruff of Sukuna’s face on your own, your arms wrapping around his neck instinctively. The taste of cigarettes and something else mildly smokey fill your mouth and make you dizzy. Sukuna tastes like kissing a man - or what you might’ve imagined that to be like. Not a boy, but a man. You feel his strength, your hands splaying at the base of his neck and feeling the faded undercut of his neck, the texture of his dyed hair. His weight shadows you, his strength making you feel fluttery.

He doesn’t tease you all during the kiss like you’re expecting. Nothing goes the way you expect. He kisses you in slow, short pecks and escalates to his tongue dipping against your lips - a little added element to his deep kisses. He kisses like he’s been doing it for longer than you have, with experience and finesse. You’re all but too conscious of everything little thing. About the sounds you make, about knowing when to breathe, about trying not to get wrapped up in the pleasant euphoria.

All you can think about is how good he is at it. Effortlessly good. You think part of you latches onto it to avoid thinking about what’s happening. Denial feels pleasurable at least.

You kiss like that for so long, your lips have swollen - sticky with spit and saliva. Sukuna has a self-satisfied smirk on his face when he pulls away from you, laughing at the flush in your expression.

You hit him lightly, looking away from his face.

“It’s a wonder you’ve kept your virginity,” He says, chuckling. “A kiss and a dirty old man like me could’ve taken it from you.”

“Shut up,” Your reply is weak. He laughs against your mouth, and you can’t get over the intimacy of it. You hope you’re deluding yourself but then he kisses the corner of your mouth. Hot, warm air tickles against your jaw and neck when he presses his lips there too and suddenly it occurs to you how real it is.

You don’t think your uncle is capable of warmth or love or anything that doesn’t come from coercion. But fondness. Maybe fondness.

He spends more time doing that than what’s comfortable. Relishes the feeling of you in his arms, his bulge grinding against your clothed cunt but not forcefully. Just with enough pressure to make you gasp once in a while when you don’t have a mind to fight it.

“I won’t take your virginity tonight,” He says declaratively. It surprises you. “You’ve got three months with me. It’d be boring. I’ll give you something else.” He looks at you then, then grins impishly. “What do you want?”

Your eyes widen, suddenly unsure of yourself. You push away, brought back to reality by the questions.

“How would I know?”

He blinks at you. “I know you said you were a virgin, but did you really mean in everything?”

You pout at him all of a sudden. “So what. I didn’t have that kind of time.”

Sukuna barks a laugh.

“Huh. I thought you were a goody two-shoes out of necessity but you really don’t do a damn thing in that house. Not even a boyfriend to do hand stuff with?”

“Ugh. No, alright? I don’t have time for that kind of thing like I just said.”

He laughs a little breathless, sitting up for a minute. You’re wondering what it means for you. Sukuna pulls you up along with him. He sits down again with his legs spread before looking at you. He pulls you into his lap with relative ease, until you’re half-way pressed into him with your legs over his thighs. You stare at him, feeling more exposed in this position. You get a closer view of his neck tattoo, realizing how far down his back it must go. You go to ask him what he’s doing - but he’s undressing you before you can.

Confident, large hands trapeze down your back as he finds the end of your overwear and pulls it off - leaving you in the microkini you wore to the beach. It barely covers your nipples. You made the choice to wear it, yet seeing Sukuna examine it so closely leaves you wallowing and regretful. Still, he’s silent as he does something similar with your jean-shorts. A hand lifting your legs up enough to roll the cheap, denim shorts and discard them right on the marble floors.

You’re still half-way over his lap - sitting on his thighs but you’re naked now.

You feel yourself growing self-conscious. Never mind that it’s the first time anyone’s seen you this naked, who exactly you’re showing it to makes you want to throw up. He stares for so long you wonder what he’s thinking, a lazy grin splitting his face. A hand nudges your thighs apart, moving your leg to give Sukuna more access to you. With an arm around your waist, his hand cups your cunt, rubbing it softly. You shift nervously. His thumb moves then, rests at the hood of your clit, pulling up to look closer at it. You hold back any noise as he examines you, bent pointer of the opposite hand brushing over the hair on your skin with a laugh.

“Unexpectedly, it’s pretty,” He says and your eyes shoot wide open. “Good job brat.”

“What are you,” You pant, your breath hitching as you close your eyes.”staring so much for it?”

“It’s mine to stare at.”

You don’t think of your uncle as particularly possessive. It’s more like he believes in that so much, so unshakingly nothing else could be true. You wonder if there’s more to it. He didn’t seem angry even after you told him about seeing a boy.

But comparing the two, Sukuna outclasses him in all ways that it should matter. He must be confident about that.

He spreads your thighs a little further. You’re half tucked into his side now - an arm around the back of his neck and shoulders. Sukuna ducks down a little, nudging his nose against your neck and scraping his teeth lightly against your throat. He doesn’t do much other than… touch you. Not directly. His other hand, the one not secured around your waist, rubs at your pussy but not in an attempt to pleasure you. It’s exploratory and intimate. He’s just touching you in a way that’s making you restless. And the angle he’s bent down, the proximity gives you a better view of him. From the side where you sit in his lap, you can see the tattoo again.

You shudder then, pussy suddenly clenching in a way that leaves you ashamed. Your uncle notices, though he doesn’t look up.

“Thought of something, brat?”

“No.” You deny, vehemently. He spanks your pussy but not hard. You jolt in reply, a shock traveling up your spine.

“C’mon now,” He hums, predatory. “Don’t lie. That’s not fun.”

“Y-your tattoo,” You say, suddenly feeling the influence of alcohol in a way you hadn’t all evening. “It’s…big.”

“Into bad boys or something, kid?”

You frown. “You look like a yakuza.”

This makes him laugh, more genuinely than you’ve ever seen him laugh. “Getting warmer, I guess.”

You don’t say anything to that. Instead spurred by the sudden confidence. “Why aren’t you…touching me?”

He looks at you surprised then tilts his head. “Is that what you want?

“I don’t want any of this but it,” You squirm again. “Feels weird.”

“Sounds like you want something, at least. Go on, tell your oji-san what you want.”

You scrunch your nose up at him, a familiar feeling of disgusting flitting through you. It fades as quickly as it comes.

“I’ve never put a-anything inside,” You admit, suddenly feeling self-conscious.

“That so,” He hums. His middle finger slides down the wet seam of your cunt as you tell him this. You nod but you don’t think he’s really listening. His hand is warm, and big - and his fingers are thicker than yours. One of yours may as well make two of his, no end to how imposing he is. You don’t protest as he starts to touch you. You simply take a deep breath, holding onto him a little tighter.

With your head turned towards him, Sukuna leans in again to kiss you. It’s deep from the beginning this time, and a little rougher. He bites lightly on your lower lips as his middle finger dips down towards your sex. Your insides are throbbing, hot and wet as you feel some friction. It’s the first time anyone else has ever held you in your life, every touched you directly like this. Against your will, your body is sensitive to the stimulus. Everywhere he touches you goes alight, and the kiss makes your tummy flutter. A tender feeling of want spreads you open, tears you apart right in front of him.

With parted lips and a heavy head, you kiss him as his middle finger dips down low enough to penetrate you. A soft gasp pulls from your throat.

It doesn’t feel unpleasant.

“I thought it was going to hurt more.” You admit, feeling him inside of you. It’s a new sensation but it’s not bad.

“It shouldn’t hurt if you’re aroused enough. And wet enough. You seem to be both.”

You frown at him, face pinching. It’s washed away quickly by the sensation of him pushing deeper. It’s hard to describe it as anything other than feeling something inside of you. Deep in a place you didn’t think it could go. You shake a little, trying to get adjusted. Sukuna does it carefully, slowly - thrusting in even strokes and keeping you focused on kissing so you’re not too conscious of it.

He’s not thoughtful, not really - but you can tell that he’s going slower for your sake and that makes your heart stammer uncomfortably. The last word you’d ever use for him is kind but he’s not being horrible and it’s unsettling you.

Once one finger goes in and out smoothly, your uncle starts to add another. You feel it that time, the stretch of it - gasping hard at the sudden sensation. Your breath catches in your lungs, hand clutching at his shoulder for purchase. He pulls away from your mouth, his breath near your ear.

“Easy, little one. Give it a minute.”

“It feels different. It’s,” You can’t form the words as two fingers penetrate you in full, slowly being eased inside of you until Sukuna is knuckle deep. Your breath hitches. “Not like it hurts.”

“It’ll feel good in a second.” He says assuredly, voice smooth and raspy against your ear. You feel combative at his confidence, but then a minute passes of him rubbing along your insides and something strikes against you like lightning. You pause, blinking confused as Sukuna laughs. “There it is,”

“There what is?”

“C’mon kid, I know you’re too busy with school but you don’t know something so basic about your own body?”

“What is it, oh.”

His other hand toys with your clit, rubbing it in slow circular motions as he gauges your reaction to the touch. You jolt from the sudden pleasure, getting used to it slowly. You didn’t realize how badly it was throbbing to be touched until he does it in full. Your mouth dries up immediately. Little shocks of electricity spark up through you as his hands go full in on your body. The combined pleasure starts to uptick, something building slowly but surely. It goes from not feeling like much to feeling like something. Feeling physical.

Your mouth drops open in sudden shock, eyes lidded as you moan unabashedly - unable to keep the sound at bay. You own a vibrator, use to cum quick and hard just to curb the feeling. You’ve had orgasms on your own but nothing has ever felt like this before. It’s undeniably satiating, mimics the feeling of eating something and nearly making yourself sick on it. You go slack-jawed, your nerves on fire.

Two fingers curled against your silken walls and another two toying at the sensitive bundle of nerves between your legs leaves little room in your brain to think. The only thing your body seems to remember is how to moan and whine - make these pathetic little noises you’ve never heard in your life. You didn’t even know you could make. Oddly enough, Sukuna is quiet through it. He makes grunts and little affirmatives but he’s mostly silent. You mostly hear the sound of your own voice.

The sound of your own wetness. You can feel the sticky sensation of your arousal but you can hear it even better. It’s lewd to listen too, wet smacks mixing with the pathetic bleats of your voice make you feel hot all over. Skin prickling with heat and sensation.

“I knew you were sensitive but haah. If I would’ve fucked you today, you would have cried.”

The thought drifts idly by about his cock and your whole lower half reacts to it by going weak. It aches just thinking about anything bigger or longer entering you than his fingers.

“Figure an insolent little kid like you isn’t much of a crybaby. I’m sure I can make you one.”

You don’t even think about asking what he means.

“Feels,” You make a gasping noise, body suddenly going tense. “Hngh, fuck. Feels so good, holy fuck.”

He groans a little. “I’m being too nice to you. I really should be balls deep in your cunt already and I’m not. You gonna cum for me, huh brat?”

You nod your head dumbly, unable to retort. To think of anything but the sensation washing over you.”Go on. Do it. Cum for your perverted oji-san.”

Something about the depravity of it sets your mind numb. Your body goes tight, every nerve firing off at once as you grip onto his shoulder and let the feeling of euphoria wash over you. Your whole body is so stimulated it’s numbing. The feeling of pleasure crashes into you, leaves your spine arching - mouth dropped open and nearly screaming. Your sanity melts, fades off completely and your brain feels like it’s gone empty. You close your eyes so hard little splashes of white show up in your vision, like you’re seeing T.V. static.

You think you scream. You don’t know. You just know that you’re cumming, hard, just from his hands and you’re terrified of what else he’s good at. You don’t think it boils down to sensitivity as the waves of your first orgasm ripple through your body.

You lay in his arms, sweaty and limp. Your vision is blurry with tears as you open them to look at him. Sukuna is rubbing your side, taking his fingers into his mouth. You look at him surprised as he does. He grins.

“Tastes good, kid.”

You flush. “Shut up.”

“Don’t think I’m done with you quite yet.”

Sukuna guides your hand to his pants, over his bulge. You gasp a little at it. His size through clothes is astounding to you.

“I’m not so generous to leave with nothing, you know.” He pats your thigh, moving you from his lap. “I’ve got a better idea than trying to teach you anything today, so try to hold still.”

You don’t know what he’s talking about until he guides you on the floor. You’re confused until you feel him position you - facing towards the couch with your knees spread on the floor. In doggy, you realize a little too late, your upper-half supported by the couch cushion. You feel more confused than you felt a moment ago.

Sukuna positions himself behind you. You can’t see him, but you can hear the soft rustle of his clothes moving as he stands on his knees behind you. More than that, you can feel his cock resting on your bare ass. You gasp, feeling the weight and size slide against your curves. Sukuna does a breathy little laugh at your reaction. He’s huge.

“Don’t cry kid. I told you I wasn’t gonna put it in tonight and I meant that,” He hums. His hands come to your hips, all of a sudden pushing them together. “Push your thighs together as tight as you can.”

You listen to him. You can do it with some effort despite how weak your body feels. You lean forward on the couch for support, bringing your knees together and pressing your thighs. You don’t understand what it’s for until something hard pressing along your spine moves down the curve of your ass. You gasp aloud as his thick cock pushes between your thighs, tip catching against your swollen clit. Your whole body is covered in goosebumps. Sukuna moans low in his throat, resting his head on your shoulder.

“Fuck, that’s it.” He hums, sounding pleased. “Keep them tight for me, alright girl? Try to at least.”

Sukuna is wordless as he grips your hips, your flesh dimpling under his bruising grip. You're silent, your voice threatening to spill again as you try your best to listen to him. You keep yourself tight and firm, your hands gripping the couch cushions as Sukuna pushes his cock between the fat of your thighs and starts a pace.

The angle makes you gasp, body feeling weak at the way it touches your clit with each bump. Sukuna doesn’t hold back at all. You’re not being penetrated but the weight behind each of his thrusts makes you feel like you’re being fucked. The bruising sensation of skin against skin - the hard muscles of his own legs smacking against the softness of your thighs.

Most embarrassing is the way the position makes you conscious of your uncle's cock. You knew he was huge before, but the way he’s thrusting. Where it reaches when he does thrust makes your throat feel nearly tight. You can’t stop thinking about the fact it’ll be inside you. You can’t imagine taking it in your hands - the girth and length of it fucking impossible. And he wants to fuck you with it? Take your virginity?

He’ll stretch you so open if he does. You can barely think of it fitting in you. When you do, your whole body shudders in a horrible and pathetic way - a new wave of arousal striking a strange chord. As he bumps and ruts against your clit and your mind fills with such lewd images, a new wave of lust starts to pour through you.

It’s unhelped by the feeling of Sukuna’s cock - getting so close. The throbbing with each thrust and the low, throaty groans he keeps vocalizing against your ear. All of it proves to be too much for you. It shocks you when you feel yourself grow hot all over again. Not even being touched directly and so soon after your first - a mere few minutes.

And you find yourself with all your muscles tight, your hand reaching back for Sukuna as you plant your face against the cushions and let him fuck hard between your thighs. You feel incoherent, stupid and so fucking horny. You’ve never experienced it. You can’t think of what to moan, so you choose his name.

This makes him laugh as he bends over you, his teeth biting your shoulder blades.

“Gonna cum again from this brat? Aren’t you fucking easy? Come on, cum with me. Just like that, take it. Fuck, that’s it. Good. Good girl.”

It’s the last bit of tension that pushes you over the edge, whether you care to admit it. Your voice breaks as a second orgasm washes through you - more intense but much shorter than the first and you nearly fall limp. You only barely manage to hold yourself up as your uncle keeps thrusting relentlessly.

You can feel him twitch hard between your thighs when his orgasm finally hits. You shake as you feel him squish the tip between your thighs - hot ropes of cum spurting against the swollen mound of your cunt and dripping down your thighs as he finishes. He smacks your ass as he finishes, making you yelp. Your whole body is rife with exhaustion, finally coming down from high-highs and low-lows.

“We’re gonna have a lot of fun together for the next few months kid,” He says, almost affection in his words. You’re too exhausted to reply, looking at him over your shoulder. “Let’s get along and do our best.”

“You’re a sick-fuck, oji-san.”

“And you’re a whole lot like me, aren’t you kid?.”

#sukuna x reader #jjk x reader #sukuna smut #jjk smut #writing tag #dark content cw #incest cw #dubcon cw #abuse cw #grooming cw #<- kind of sort of not really hes just gross.#THIS HAS SO MANY TRIGGER TAGS .. SORRY

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thatsmzbitchtoyou · 2 months

Text

My Alpha

This is kind of a long one shot (5619 words!), but I thought I'd try my hand at the ABO!/Omegaverse. Hope you like it!

Being an omega wasn’t always a bad thing. At least that’s what she told herself repeatedly as she religiously took hormone blocking birth control pills and wore scent blockers on the daily. Y/N hadn’t had a heat in years and wasn’t planning on letting up any time soon. She had started working as a personal assistant for the Avengers under Tony Stark years before, going through the Sokovia Accords debacle, surviving the Blip, losing Natasha, Tony, Steve, T'Challa, and all the other strange and traumatic things that happened during her tenure. She had denied her biology to get this job, not wanting it to affect her performance or be a target while being surrounded by literal super Alphas in this field. And as hard as the job was, she loved it.

One of the greatest highlights was gaining Bucky Barnes as a friend. While other Alphas she had come across were domineering, he was compassionate and kind. He very rarely lost his composure like others did during high pressure situations in missions, and never fought over who was in charge. He was incredibly careful to make sure everyone around him felt comfortable in his presence. After finally shaking the Winter Soldier programming he didn’t want to ever lose control of himself again, and with the super soldier serum messing with his hormones to the extent that he was nearly feral during ruts, he would isolate himself away to keep her and others safe.

Y/N felt like she could talk to him about anything, and he felt the same. She was his sanctuary after rough missions, one of the few people that could break him out of a deep depressive state or the nightmares that still plagued him. He knew she was an Omega but could barely smell her because of her blockers, which he both loved and hated. Loved because it made it so they could be friends without the weird biological dynamics getting in the way, and hated because he was super curious about what her scent was. They had fallen for each other long ago, but were both too afraid to do anything about it.

As they both relaxed during a rare weekend off they got on the topic of Omega versus Alpha traits. “I get it, Alphas can be rough, but don’t you want to mate someday? Find someone special to settle down with? Maybe have a family?”

She sighed. “Of course I do, Buck.”

“Then what are you afraid of?” he asked gently.

“Not having a clear choice,” she answered simply, giving him a sharp look. “I don’t want my biology to decide my fate. So many Omegas get stuck being mated with bad Alphas because their heats were uncontrollable and the Alpha wouldn’t take no for an answer. I know that I’m predestined to be a nurturer. Hell, that’s what my job is now, taking care of all of you guys! But I should get to choose who I end up with based on love, not by body’s reactions.” Bucky nodded in understanding, looking down at his intertwined hands. “Do you want to settle down someday?”

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “I just don’t know how it would work out. This job…my past. It all points towards disaster at any given time.”

She slid over to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders awkwardly as she sat next to him. “You deserve a happy ever after, Bucky.”

“You do, too, you know,” he reminded her, resting his head on top of hers.

“Mmh, maybe someday,” she said wistfully as she undid her embrace and leaned back against the couch.

“So, anyways,” he cleared his throat. “Is it true that Omegas have a better sense of smell than Alphas or Betas? Like you can pick up on others’ scents and identify them really well?”

She laughed. “Yes, it’s true.”

“Really? Okay, what does…” he scanned the room as other Avengers milled in and out. “Peter. What does Spidey smell like?” He tested her, watching her expectantly.

She took a look at Peter across the room, her nose slightly flaring as she took in a whiff from his direction. “He always smells like fresh bagels to me. You know the smell of just-baked bread? Kinda like that. Mixed with a little bit of hazelnut.”

Bucky looked at her in awe. “Yeah I kinda get that off of him. Alphas can smell and track scents but not to that level.”

“Hm, that’s interesting,” she said as her eyebrows furrowed.

“Now how about Sam?” he asked excitedly, hoping it would be something not so pleasant he could tease him about.

“Ha, Sam is Cajun seasoning with a sweet lemony undertone. Like really well done seafood,” she answered quickly with a smile on her face, knowing Bucky would be disappointed in that answer.

Bucky frowned as he thought about who to ask of next. “Okay, how about…Steve?” He knew it was a long shot. Steve had been gone for a few years now, so she probably wouldn’t remember. But she gave him a soft smile.

“Steve was smoky, like fireworks. A summer night that ends with warm apple crisp and melting vanilla ice cream on top,” she said as she stared out the window, a dazed look in her eyes as she remembered him.

“Wow…” Bucky whispered. “I always got the fireworks, and something like a picnic. But now that you say it, yeah, apple with vanilla.”

“Yep, he was truly all American,” she winked at him.

He laughed as he turned towards her on the couch. “How about, um…me?”

She gazed at him, her expression softening as her nose flared again and she huffed out the breath she’d taken. “Smoky, like Steve, but different.”

“Like gunpowder?” he asked suddenly, his eyes searching hers. He had been told that before and was hoping they were wrong.

“No, not gunpowder. More like…” she sniffed again but frowned. “Do you mind if I…?” she gestured her finger from herself to him.

“Yeah, go ahead,” he said, opening himself up for her to scoot closer to him. She leaned in towards his neck, the best place to scent someone, and breathed in a slow sniff of him. She closed her eyes.

“Campfire. A campfire on the beach. And the smell of the ocean after it rains,” she said resolutely, opening her eyes to look at him. Their faces were close as he stared at her. “But no, not gunpowder,” she reassured him.

“That’s good,” he breathed, his eyes shifting from her eyes down to her lips and back.

Her eyes suddenly widened, her brow furrowing and she pulled herself away quickly. “I, um…I need to go…excuse me,” she said hurriedly before she jumped off the couch and power-walked down the hall towards her room.

“Wait, Y/N, are you okay?” Bucky stood from the couch as he watched her leave.

“Yeah! I’ll talk to you later!” she yelled back without looking, her voice sounded strained.

“What the hell?” he asked himself quietly, looking around him like something had jumped out and spooked her.

Once she was out of sight she ran to her room and had Friday bolt the door. She doubled over in pain and clutched her stomach. “No way,” she moaned as she reached for her phone and called for help.

“Hey you, how are ya?” Bruce asked when he answered the call.

“Bruce,” her voice was pained as she held in another moan. “I need help, something’s wrong.”

“What? What’s going on?” he sounded worried, the rustling of papers and beeping from a screen by him going off.

“It feels…like a heat? But that’s not possible, right? We made sure of it,” she grunted as another cramp shot through her abdomen, and just as suddenly as it all started, it suddenly stopped, leaving her gasping. “Wait, now it stopped? What the hell is happening?”

“Come down to the lab, right now. We’ll get you tested.”

She didn’t need to be told twice as she hung up and crept out of her room towards the elevator. She was able to get in and down to the lab a few floors away without being caught by Bucky or anybody else. She ran into the lab in a panic. Bruce was already setting up the medical bay in the back with everything needed to do a check-up, some vials next to the other instruments.

“Hey, let’s take some blood and see what’s going on,” he called out to her when he heard the doors slide open. She jogged to the bed and hopped up on it, taking off her cardigan so he could access the veins in her arm better. After a quick routine check up he took a few vials of her blood then stepped out towards all the equipment he had for medical and scientific tests.

He worked silently as she sat there deep in thought. It can’t be, she tried to reassure herself. I’ve been so careful. Not missed a single pill ever. This can’t be happening. After about an hour Bruce came back with a screen in his hand, his eyebrows hung low over his eyes and a frown on his face.

“Y/N, it’s…it’s not working anymore,” he said softly, his eyes sad and confused as he looked at her.

“What do you mean?” she asked hesitantly, her eyes widening.

“The hormone blockers, the pills…your body isn’t responding to them anymore. Your hormones are syncing back to normal Omega levels. Your heats are going to come back.”

“No, no no no no no…NO Bruce! I can’t. Please, there’s gotta be another pill to try, a shot, an implant, something? Anything, please?” she began to cry.

“I’m sorry Y/N. We already got you the best blockers that are available out there. If your body is weaning off of them it means your biology is taking over, probably because you’re getting older and it’s fighting back to have a chance at mating. I’m so sorry,” he showed her the hormone levels on a chart on the screen, pointing out the differences and then setting it down. “There’s nothing I can do. Nothing you can do but prepare yourself for it to start again. And your first one is probably going to be brutal after avoiding them for so long. You’ll need help–”

“NO! No, I can’t do this. I can’t ask some random Alpha for help. This isn’t fair!” she cried harder, hiding her face in her hands. Bruce patted her on the back, trying to help ease her pain by giving off a calming scent. He was also an Omega and knew how much this meant to her.

“It will be alright, Y/N. You have friends here who will help you without making it awkward between you and them, or won’t immediately try mating with you during your heat. They’re good Alphas. They won’t hurt you or take advantage of you,” he promised.

She tried to calm the loud beating of her heart that was wringing in her ears, a panic attack trying to settle deep in her bones that she was fighting back. “How long do I have until it comes?” she sighed as she sniffled.

“I don’t know, I’m sorry. With it being so long since you last had one it could be next week or it could be in a couple of months,” he answered gravely.

“Ugh, great,” she laughed as she wiped her tears away. “No choice, whatsoever. My body ultimately got to decide for me after all. Wonderful,” she spat as she jumped down off the bed. “Thank you, Bruce, for testing. I just…I need to go sleep this off, I don’t know,” she said, giving him a quick hug and then leaving the lab.

She took the elevator back up to her floor, her eyes stinging from the hot tears still slowly falling down. Her heat was coming back, and with a vengeance. She would need help. Who would she ask? Any of the unmated superhero Alphas would probably say yes, though she knew she only wanted one. But how could she ask this of him? And if he did help, how could she go on with their friendship as if nothing had happened between them afterwards?

The elevator opened and she trudged into the common room. The floor was already dark as twilight set in and everyone had split off to their rooms. She slipped into the kitchen since she missed dinner while down in the lab to grab something to eat, although she wasn’t particularly hungry. As she made herself a sandwich she turned to grab a knife then saw a figure in the corner at the dining table.

“Jesus! Fuck, Bucky you scared me,” she gasped, holding a hand over her heart.

“Sorry, honey,” he grunted as he sat watching her. “Why are you crying?”

She stiffened as she looked at him, trying to act nonchalant as she grabbed the knife and turned back to her sandwich. “I’m not, I’m just tired,” she waved him off, quickly cutting the sandwich and putting the ingredients and dishes away to escape.

“Don’t lie to me Y/N. What’s wrong?” he stood, walking towards her. She reached for the refrigerator door to get a drink, which he quickly shut and stared her down. She wouldn’t look him in the eye.

“Come on Buck, I just need a drink,” she complained as she tried to open the door again, reaching for the handle. Bucky grabbed her wrist firmly and leaned in towards her.

“What’s wrong Y/N? You ran away earlier and now you smell…off,” he said, searching her eyes as his nose flared at the scent she was radiating. His frown deepened and his eyes looked worried. “Why are you afraid? Was it me? Did I do something wrong?”

“No! Oh no, Bucky, it’s not you,” she said, her eyes widening. “It’s me, it’s just…” her eyes welled up with tears again, spilling onto her cheeks as she sucked in a sharp breath. “It’s me,” she sobbed, leaning forward til her forehead rested against his chest.

“Oh honey,” Bucky sighed. He put his hands under her armpits and lifted her onto the counter so she was eye level with him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hid her face in his shoulder, crying harder as he enveloped her, his hands rubbing up and down her back as he whispered reassuring words to her. They sat holding each other for a while, Bucky letting her cry it out and Y/N relishing the comfort. As her cries died down and her grip loosened around his neck he pulled back.

“Tell me what’s wrong, please? You’re breaking an old man’s heart,” he pleaded, hating to see her hurting so much.

Y/N chuckled at him calling himself an old man as she wiped her nose with her sleeve. Bucky held her face in his hands and wiped her tears away with his thumbs. She let herself enjoy his touch before she sniffled and finally looked up at him.

“When I was talking to you earlier, I felt this weird pain,” she explained quietly. Bucky nodded, listening intently as he held her face still. “That’s why I ran out. I went to Bruce’s lab to test me because it felt like…like a heat,” she sniffled again, looking down at her lap. Bucky nodded again, his hands releasing her face and reaching for her hands to hold. “I haven’t had one in years.” This surprised him. He knew there were new ways of birth control for Omegas now, giving them a lot more options than to just mate and reproduce and take care of their Alphas and pups like the old days, which he thought was great. He just didn’t realize it could be for so long. “And now, apparently, the hormone blockers aren’t working anymore,” she gripped his fingers tightly. “My body is rejecting them, weaning off of them and reverting back to normal hormone levels. My heat is coming,” she sucked in another sharp breath. “I don’t know when, but he said it’s going to be brutal since I’ve been avoiding them for so long. He said I’ll need help and…and I don’t know what to do.” Her voice shook as she looked up at him again. “I’m scared,” she whispered.

Bucky could feel her panic and gave off what he hoped was a calming scent. It seemed to help as her eyes fluttered shut and her shoulders visibly relaxed. The Alpha in him hummed in satisfaction as he swept his thumbs over her knuckles. “You don’t need to be scared, Y/N. It’s going to be okay,” he tried to placate her. “Listen, I know earlier you said you wanted a choice, and now your body’s not giving you one.” She nodded, a few more tears slipping out the sides of her eyes. “I…I can help you,” he said, gulping back the lump in his throat. Her eyes snapped up to him, a look of shock on her face. “I know that I’m offering something kinda crazy. But I promise you I won’t hurt you, I won’t make you court me if you don’t want to, and I won’t forcibly mate with you.” He looked her deep in her eyes to try to get her to understand. “But I’d be honored to help you.”

Y/N couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing. She had wanted to ask him and now he was offering himself for her to get through this first heat. She licked her lips and contemplated it. “I just don’t want it to ruin our friendship,” she sniffed again, her eyes searching his face for hesitation.

“It won’t,” he said earnestly.

“...Okay,” she agreed.

Bucky smiled as he squeezed her fingers. “Okay.”

“Thank you, Bucky. You’re a good Alpha,” she thanked him, lifting his hands up and kissing his knuckles.

His eyes fluttered shut and he cleared his throat. “You should probably not call me that, at least not right now.”

Her eyes widened. “Oh! God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean–”

“It’s okay, honey, it’s fine,” he chuckled. “Whenever it hits you, just call me, and I’ll be there.”

She gave him a warm smile in appreciation. They were playing with fire, and they both knew it deep down, but were denying it heavily.

***

Y/N could feel her hormones changing her body and mind. Bruce had advised against wearing scent blockers as well to help her body fully adjust and hopefully not cause as much pain during her upcoming heat, and that was the first thing she noticed. The Alphas around her, who would normally just give her a friendly greeting or a smile, now watched her hungrily through narrow eyes, giving tight smiles as their noses flared as she passed by. It made her self-conscious enough to ask Bucky one day, “Do I smell bad?”

Bucky looked away from the book he was reading as she plopped next to him on the couch in the common room again, lifting her feet up to rest on his lap. She was touching him a lot more lately. “What do you mean?”

“Do I smell bad? Omegas can’t really smell themselves very well, and since I took off the scent blockers I’ve been…watched,” she looked around the room warily. Bucky’s eyes swept across the other Alphas in the room, noting how they were all giving off territorial scents as they tracked her. He sat up straight, facing each one until they caught his eye and gave off a warning rumble deep in his chest, his eyes flashing dangerously. They each quickly retreated, shamefully turning back towards their previous tasks. The air around Y/N seemed to lift and she felt like she could breathe again. “Thank you, Bucky.”

He sat back on the couch, grabbing his book with one hand and mindlessly rubbing her feet with the other. “No need to thank me, honey. And no, you don’t smell bad. You smell like chai.”

“Chai?” Y/N scoffed.

“Yeah, chai with…” he reached a hand out and grabbed her wrist, bringing it up to his nose and inhaling deeply. Her eyes widened comically at his brashness in scenting her so publicly. “Pumpkin. Chai and pumpkin. Like Autumn,” he concluded, setting her wrist down and then rubbing her feet again. He said it so casually that she just stared at him dumbfounded.

It got worse as the weeks went on. Her emotions were haywire, one minute she was calm and cool and the next she was agitated and easily crying at anything. She was nesting anxiously, rearranging her room and her desk in her office, constantly carrying around a large fuzzy cardigan or blanket with her. Her joints were sore, especially in her hips. She found herself eating all the time. Bruce had her come down to the lab each week to check her levels, each time warning her it could happen any day now.

A month and a half later on a Friday night the team got together for a movie night. They decided on watching the first Avatar, a movie Bucky hadn’t yet seen. As it played Y/N kept fidgeting next to him, adjusting her sitting position, wringing her hands in her lap, taking deep breaths periodically. A scene began of two of the characters connecting in a tree garden and Sam yelled out, “Alien tree sex!” Everyone laughed but Y/N bolted out of the room. Bucky watched her run down to her room and shut her door.

He quietly got up and followed her. He could tell just by her scent changing these last few weeks and how it was getting stronger, the chai smell getting spicier, that her heat was fast approaching. She had been very touchy with him, following him around and staying close whenever they were in the same room. He had no claim to her, but it was evident to everyone to stay away from her, otherwise they’d get a growl from him. He was growing more excited by the day, trying to remind himself that he was just helping out a friend, not staking any claim or bond.

When he reached her door he pressed his ear against it, listening for her. He heard her heart rate picking up and her breathing became labored. He could also smell her, more potent, spicy, the scent of unmated Omega making his hormones sing and call out for her. A deep rumble emitted from his chest as he felt his cock hardening. He knocked on her door.

“Y/N,” he called out, just loud enough for her to hear. A soft moan came from the other side. His eyelids shut tight at the sound. It was time. “I’m coming in,” he warned before opening the door. He stepped inside and was hit with the scent full force, making his eyes and mouth water simultaneously. Y/N was laying in the nest she built on her bed in the fetal position, one hand on her stomach and the other in between her legs, not yet touching herself but keeping pressure against her core. “Honey…” he groaned as he locked the door behind himself and walked towards the bed.

“Alpha,” she breathed, her brow furrowed and eyes shut tight. A cramp wracked through her whole body and she yelped in pain. “It’s starting. It hurts…hurts so bad,” she cried as she could feel a small gush of slick pour from her pussy as her body recognized the Alpha in the room.

“It’s gonna be okay, honey, I’m here,” he cooed at her, reaching his hand out and running his fingers along her leg from her ankle to her thigh. “Let’s get you out of these, huh?” he said while lifting the hem of her shorts up slightly. She nodded and blindly started pulling at her clothes. Bucky helped her strip out of her layers then undressed himself, giving her naked body an appreciative glance. He lay behind her on the bed, cocooning her in his arms and leaning his head into the crook of her neck and scenting her. He could feel himself getting drunk off of her heat. She was sending him into an early rut as his hips rocked against her ass slowly. Y/N keened at that, her back arching and pushing her ass into his crotch further. He moaned at the sensation, his arms tightening around her. “Shh, Omega. I got you,” he said as his voice dropped further, the Alpha coming through more prominently now.

“Bucky…” she sighed, her hands gripping his arms around her. “Please…Alpha please,” she begged, her legs shaking as another cramp hit her.

Bucky moaned at the sound of his name said that way coming from her lips. He started to lick and suck and kiss at the scent gland on her throat, making her gasp loudly. His scent mixed with hers, and they quickly got lost in each other. His hands found her breasts and massaged them firmly, his fingers tweaking her nipples and making her hips buck back into him again. He twisted her body around to face him. She quickly molded herself back to him, hiking her leg up and over his hip, her hands scratching down his chest. He tried to remind himself one last time that this was just a friend helping a friend. Then she kissed him.

The kiss broke the dam of hesitancy he was holding to desperately. He quickly responded, his mouth opening and their tongues tangling as they tasted each other. Bucky climbed on top of her, his knees forcing hers apart. His fingers probed her lower lips, finding her clit and giving it all his attention. Y/N’s hips writhed as he riled her up. She watched his fingers dip into her, making her breath stutter. She was already dripping for him so he plunged two fingers into her, thrusting them in and out while his thumb rubbed and flicked her clit.

“Fuck Alpha,” she groaned. “Just like that, shit!”

Bucky smiled as she cursed, her legs shaking against his. She reached down and took his cock in her hand, giving him lazy pumps as he got her closer to her release. He huffed a sharp breath. “Damn, honey, oooh that’s good,” he said lowly. “Give it to me, love, come on, you can do it. Be such a good Omega for me,” he encouraged her as he curled his fingers as deep as he could reach.

The tension in her core finally snapped, her first orgasm ripping through her at lightning speed, squirting slick all over his hand and his hips. She let out a guttural moan, the sound reverberating through the air, making the Alpha inside of him scream to claim her. He had to physically restrain himself as he pulled his fingers out of her. She smiled as she watched him with hooded eyes. He put his wet fingers in his mouth and licked them clean of her slick, his eyes rolling back at the taste.

“Alpha please, I need you. Bucky, I want your big cock inside me…please!” Y/N begged again. Normally it would embarrass her to be acting like this, she would have never dreamed of speaking to Bucky this way. But they were beyond the point of no return.

“Condom first, Omega,” he reminded her in his authoritative voice. “As much as I’d love to fill you up, I don’t think that’s what you want just yet.”

Y/N pouted, but the first orgasm had helped clear her brain a little bit, and pointed to the nightstand next to the bed. Bucky quickly reached over and pulled open the top drawer, finding the box and pulling a few of them out. He unwrapped one and slipped it on himself before settling back between her legs, backing up a little bit. “Present, please, Omega.”

Y/N twisted herself onto her stomach, lifting her hips high and pressing the side of her face into the bed. Bucky almost whimpered at the sight of her sweet pussy, seeing the way he had made her drip with slick, the skin softly puckering in anticipation. “Prettiest pussy I’ve ever seen Y/N, goddamn,” he whispered huskily. She preened at his praise, her ass raising a little higher. He gave her ass a quick slap, making her yelp and shiver. “You ready?” he asked, making sure she was still wanting this.

“Yes, please Alpha, Bucky…please!”

“You’re so sexy when you beg,” he slapped her ass again, then grabbed her hips and aimed himself at her entrance. He slowly pushed in the tip of his cock, the fat head catching just past her lower lips, making them both groan. He kept pushing until he was fully seated inside her, letting her adjust to his size. Y/N was keening again, a high pitched tone ringing through the air. After a moment she wriggled her hips, silently asking him to thrust. A deep growl emanated from Bucky’s throat and he pulled back until it was just the tip inside, then snapped his hips back into her hard.

Y/N was making the sweetest noises he’d ever heard as he pummeled his cock into her. She whimpered and moaned, making him hook an arm around her hips and lay his stomach across her back, quick huffs of his breath warming her shoulder. He could feel her walls fluttering around him, making the rhythm of his hips stutter. “Fuck, honey, you gonna cum?” She nodded as her moans got louder. He flipped her back over onto her back so he could watch her release, leaving barely any room between them as he hovered over her. Her hands wound around the back of his neck, scratching his scalp with her nails. “Goddammit, do that again,” he heard himself whimpering this time. She scratched from the top of his head down to his neck and pulled him in for another kiss.

He reached between their bodies and started flicking her clit as he chased his own high. “Bucky, oh my God,” she squealed against his lips as her back arched and her legs clung to his hips. “Yes, yes, yes, shit…mark me.”

Bucky didn’t stop thrusting but tensed at her words. “No, Y/N, you don’t want that.”

“Yes, I do, with you, Bucky,” she gasped.

“Omega,” he warned her, his eyes flashing. “We can talk about that when I’m not balls deep inside you.”

Y/N tensed at his Alpha command, her legs loosening around him. “I want you to be my Alpha, my mate.”

“God fucking dammit,” Bucky stopped thrusting and leaned on his elbows above her. “Y/N, listen to me, you don’t want that. You said you wanted a clear choice, remember?” Y/N was silent and wide eyed as she watched him, slightly nodding her head. “This isn’t a clear choice. Your first heat in how many years? It’s your hormones talking, honey. And believe me, I’d love to mark you, claim you, bond and mate with you. Stuff you full of me,” he thrust again, making her eyes roll back, “and breed you with my pups. But we can talk about all that later. Right now, I’m here to help you through this, because you’re my best friend, and…I’m ridiculously in love with you.” He finally said it. “I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine. But when it’s both of us with clear heads and a clear choice. Okay?”

Y/N’s eyes were watery as she listened to him. “You’re in love with me?”

Bucky huffed a laugh, “Is that all you got out of that?”

She shook her head, “No, but it’s the most important thing. I’m in love with you.”

He smiled wide and leaned down to give a quick kiss to her nose. “Can I continue now?”

She nodded again, and he gave her another thrust to get her going again. Her slick started to make squelching noises as he picked up the pace again, his knot starting to catch at her entrance, his hand reaching to her clit again and trailing kisses down her throat to her scent gland, licking and sucking at it again.

“One day, if you’ll have me, I’ll bite this pretty neck,” he moaned in her ear as her fingers dug into his back. “Make you mine.”

“Yours, all yours, Bucky…Alpha,” Y/N groaned, leaning her head up and scenting him back. Her soft lips and her tongue against his gland had his eyes rolling in his head again and his fingers gripping her hips harshly. “That’s right. Mine. Mine…mine,” he thrusted harder and faster, angling her hips up to hit deeper.

Y/N screamed his name as she finally came, her hands digging into the flesh between his neck and shoulder, scratching his scent gland and making him see stars as he came with a yell, his knot fully inflating and latching him to her as she nearly squeezed the dear life out of him. He fell on top of her, and she held him as he calmed down, both of them panting and sweaty.

A heady scent filled the air, a smell that screamed satisfied mates. Bucky pulled himself to his side, holding her close so it wouldn’t hurt her to move with him, and covered them with the blankets from her nest. Y/N was delirious after this first round of her heat, her head lolling with exhaustion. “Rest, Omega. We’ve still got a few days, and forever after that.”

She smiled sleepily, “Hmmm, my Alpha.”

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes x reader #smut #marvel #abo #alpha!bucky #alpha!bucky barnes #omega!reader #alpha!bucky barnes x omega!reader #bucky barnes oneshot

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cock-holliday · 8 months

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It’s so frustrating how often we as queer folks are expected to frame our experiences as “the opposite” of what bigots think. Bigots say that being gay is a choice and so we all rush to say no no it’s not a choice! And every queer who feels their sexuality is a choice they made is thrown under the bus. Bigots say being trans is a choice or a trend so we rush to say no no I was always trans from birth and always knew! And every trans person who chooses this or didn’t know until later is thrown under the bus.

Bigots say that trans women are trying to escape their male privileges and socialization so we say no no no I never had privilege cause I was always girl, if anything it’s trans MEN who are the privileged ones. Bigots say trans men are just trying to escape misogyny so we say no no no I was always a boy so I never could be subjected to misogyny, and to prove how not like a woman I am, I will perform misogyny.

Queer people are not allowed to have doubts, they have to be certain, but it can’t be your choice, it has to be that you were as much predestined for queerness as being cishet.

Trans women aren’t allowed to reckon with their pre-transition selves, and are expected to atone for being cursed with being “born a boy” and must perform hyperfemininity to be taken seriously, but do it too much and you’re trying too hard. Do it too little and you’re a threat. Pass or don’t, many will still treat you like you’re a cis man.

Trans men aren’t allowed to reckon with their pre-transition selves, and are expected to atone for choosing the path of the enemy. They must perform hypermasculinity to be taken seriously, but do it too much and you’re a threat. Do it too little and you’re not trying hard enough. Pass or don’t, many will still assume you are treated like a cis man.

You are not allowed autonomy in your identity, you are demanded to present with clarity, you cannot identify as anything middle ground or beyond a binary. You cannot as a trans person reconcile your experiences you had before transitioning—good, bad, or just neutral. How you identify is either disregarded or assumed in all situations to be how society treats you.

Trans men who pass as cis are threats. Trans men who don’t are jokes, or whining they don’t get the privileges they feel entitled to (but already have, of course). Trans women who don’t pass are threats. Trans women who pass are on thin thin fucking ice and if you act sexually or voice too loud an opinion or do anything with your performance of femininity that does not stick you in a corner where you can be forgotten about, as is your intended submissive place, you are a man and a threat.

We have got to stop playing by our oppressors’ rules because there is no way to win, certainly not without turning on each other. And even then, the win is so so temporary, because you are still not winning, you’re just a useful tool to ensure that your siblings lose.

#LJsm

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blues824 · 5 months

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Scared to ask this one lmfaoo!... Let's have the reaction of all of Diasomnia dorm! <3 Uuhhhh but can I get a Biological Teen Mother of Sliver!Mc... like she had him at a young age? Currently she could be in her late 20s going into her early thirties! And maybe they could be from a different or even from Twisted wonderland ( that's up to you! ^w^) but Biological father of Sliver, very bad man, evil king- And Mama Sliver/Mama Mc is very protective and got in contact with Malificent for help! I was thinking of a kind of Sleeping Beauty Syndrome for Mc! Which is an extremely rare condition that causes intermittent episodes where you sleep for long periods of time, which prevents you from staying awake during the day (hypersomnia). This would explain why Sliver is always sleepy, and also what Lilia could not find a cure for it! Mama loves her baby Sliver, but understands if he wants nothing to do with her at all even if she does want to be in his life again...

Female reader, obviously. Low-key made this a Lilia x reader fic lol.

It all started with an arranged marriage when you were 18. Your rich family from the Queendom of Roses were somehow in-touch with a noble family in Briar Valley, and they set up a marriage between you and their son. Upon meeting for the first time, the two of you did not get along. To put it simply, he was rather rude to you despite you both being human. Your family was forcing you into it because, and I quote, “How would you find a husband if you keep sleeping the day away?” You had sleeping spells that left you unable to do much, and your family shamed you for it.

At the wedding, you saw your now-husband slip away quietly, and when you followed him, you saw him with another woman… or three. It didn’t bother you all that much. It’s not like you loved him at all. What did bother you was that you were going to have to sleep with that STD-ridden flea bag in order to produce a child, and then you could escape this loveless marriage. However, that requires being in bed with him.

The first time you had lain with your husband, you felt absolutely disgusted. You were angry; at him, at your family for forcing you to be with him, and at the world for predestining you for this. But, you had gotten what you wanted out of it. You were pregnant, which meant you never had to sleep with that deadbeat husband of yours ever again.

Upon learning that you were with child, you contacted Queen Maleficia for help. You explained to her about your situation, and she was more than happy to help. She already had someone that the baby could go to, actually. You were basically a surrogate now. Her Royal Majesty understood that it would be no good environment for the baby if you were to stay with your husband, so she made arrangements for you to stay within the castle up until your labor and the recovery process.

Lilia was the one to hold your hand while you gave birth, actually. The Queen was making the preparations outside of the room. A nursery had been set up for the baby, and maids and servants were rushing in and out of the delivery room.

When the baby was finally born, you held him for a few moments. It was as though the world had gone quiet, because he was not crying. You weren’t crying either. Baby Silver was sleeping in your arms, and you realized that your child had inherited your condition. You trusted, however, that Lilia would not shame him for the condition as he had not shamed you. You could see the good future that Silver would have, but it would be without you.

One last kiss was placed on Baby Silver’s brow before you, with tears in your eyes and a heavy heart, handed him over to Lilia.

“I’m sorry, my baby. It’s better off this way. Just know, I will reunite with you soon.”

That started the recovery process, where Silver would remain asleep until your departure. When you left, you left to gain the help of the Queen of the Queendom of Roses. After all, you needed the help of both queens if you were going to get out of this marriage and gain the rights of your child.

~~~~~~~~

When he was just a young boy, Silver couldn’t help but wonder where he came from. He knew that Lilia was not his biological father. After all, if he were, he would at least be half-fae, and their ears would be similar. No, he was fully human. The knight-in-training was very observant. Plus, there was his condition to consider. The man who he came to call his ‘father’ did not have it, and from what he had read it was a genetic condition.

The only thing he has from his mother or father is a letter containing just three words. It isn’t signed, but he knows it’s from one of his biological parents:

“My dearest Silver.”

He had many questions about his parents: Were they kind? Did they know how to cook? Where were they? What did they do? Why did they give him up?

That last question wasn’t one out of sadness or spite. He genuinely wanted to know. He is sure they had a good reason. From what Lilia had told him, which was very little and very vague, you gave him up because you wanted him to have a better life. A better life compared to what alternative?

“When you’re older, Silver, I will tell you everything. Just know that your mother loves you very much,” Is what Lilia often told him. This answer frustrated him, and he wanted to know more. But, the former General would just brush his questions away.

~~~~~~~~

“Is everyone ready?” Here we are, a few years later. Silver was a second year at NRC, and the Briar Valley crew was going to head back home for Winter Break. He made sure that he had everything he needed, and he made sure to say farewell to Yuu and Grim before going through the mirror. It was unfortunate that they couldn’t go home to visit, but maybe they could enjoy their stay at NRC?

Anyways, everything was just as Silver had left it. His room looked exactly the same. The days were exactly the same. The training post was exactly the same.

…So why did something feel different?

The air was more sombre than he remembered. Typically, there were festivals held in Briar Valley, or there was something happening in the palace. However, the maids and servants were whispering amongst themselves as he made his way to the prince’s chambers. Gossip did tend to spread, so he wondered what the latest piece of gossip was.

“Silver, follow me. Your presence is required in the throne room.” Malleus met him in the hallway, surprising the knight. His tone was serious, and he nodded before trailing after the dragon fae.

~~~~~~~~

“I apologize for taking so long, Your Majesty, General Lilia. A marriage of this sort hasn’t really happened within the Queendom of Roses.”

“It’s quite alright, Y/N. I am just happy that you are out of that dreadful marriage. I apologize that you had to go through something like that anyway!” Queen Maleficia exclaimed.

“I’m sure you would have been here if you could, Y/N,” Lilia smiled as he said it to you.

A knock on the large door to the throne room echoed, making you jump a bit. It had been 17 years since you have been in the Briar Valley Palace, and for that you regretted every second of it. You have kept yourself away from your son just so you could get a divorce, but you missed all of his firsts: his first word, his first step, his first real food, his first day of school, etc.

The door opened, and a guard was followed by Prince Malleus and Silver. You could recognize that hair and those eyes from anywhere. They were your baby’s. You let out a gasp, and your eyes immediately started to tear up.

“Your Royal Highness, Malleus Draconia, accompanied by Sir Silver,” The guard announced, as though you needed an introduction. You quickly stood up and walked over to the pair, hands shaking as you reached out to touch your son’s face.

“Silver,” Queen Maleficia started to say, “Malleus, this is Silver’s mother.”

Tears made their way from both yours and Silver’s eyes. Your hands met the sides of his face, and his hands immediately went to cover yours. This is what the both of you have been wanting for years now.

“My dearest Silver…” Upon hearing those words, Silver broke down in a full sob as he wrapped his arms around your frame. You returned the favor, holding your son close to you. It has been too long, truly.

“My dearest mother.” Were the first words he uttered to you, and you couldn’t be happier in your entire lifetime.

If time could stop, it would have stopped right there. However, he pulled away after a few moments before turning to Lilia, who had walked up to the two of you. He was in his army-day getup, dressed as a former General would be.

“This isn’t some cruel prank, is it, father?” He asked, wondering if he was going through another one of his sleeping spells.

“I assure you that it is not, my dear boy.” Lilia pulled the knight into an equally affectionate hug. The three of you were crying, and you turned to give the bat fae a hug as well in gratitude.

~~~~~~~~

You and Silver decided that, in order to bond a little, it would be best if the two of you went on a walk with one another. So, you were taking your time in going through the palace gardens.

The 17-year-old knight had so many questions to ask you, and you were very happy to answer any that he had. The first was about his condition.

“Mother, do you have the sleeping condition that I have? Are you where I get it from?”

“Yes, you inherited it from me. Your grandparents from my side in the Queendom of Roses did not like that I had it.”

“What were my grandparents like?”

“Well, from my side, they forced me into a marriage with your father. However, from your father’s side, they were very kind to me. They actually helped with the divorce process.”

“Why did you and my father get a divorce?”

“That is a story for another time. Just know that it was why I kept myself from seeing you because I knew that it was not a good environment for you to grow up in.”

“Is he why you gave me away?” You stopped in your tracks to look at your son, and his eyes held both anger and sadness. You reached your hands up once again to cup his face, your face straight but emotional.

“I did not give you away. I never wanted you to think that, Silver. I wanted to give you your best chance, and that was not with me by your father’s side. Because he hailed from Briar Valley and I hailed from the Queendom, the process got complicated and I had no choice. If I left anybody intentionally, it was him and not you.

“Lilia raised you to be a good man and a good knight to the prince, and he did not judge you for our sleeping spells. You made it to Night Raven College with him guiding you. Your father would have tried to prevent you from reaching success just as he did with me. I was in college myself, studying to become a doctor and maybe find a cure for my… our condition.”

Silver was in deep thought, and you couldn’t read his face. Then he nodded before continuing to walk.

“What was my father like?”

“I don’t really know how to describe him. He valued his work and he did not value family as much as he should have. He was the son of one of the very few human noble families within the Briar Valley. I’m trying to think of a way that doesn’t impact you negatively, if I’m being honest.”

“I would rather have your honest opinion. I am nearly an adult, and I am a knight now. I should be able to handle it.”

“Well, on our wedding day, I saw him in bed with a few other women, so that was not a very good impression at all. I hadn’t met him before that day, actually. Now, he is where you get your silver hair and auroral eyes. However, from the letters Lilia has sent me throughout the years, you seem to have gotten my personality as well as the Sleeping Beauty Syndrome.”

Silver nodded, looking forward before starting to speak again.

“I waited for as long as I could remember for some other form of communication. I don’t even have any last name. Not yours, not my father’s, not even Lilia’s. Why didn’t you ever send me another letter? Why didn’t you address the one I had received?”

“I didn’t want you looking for me. You don’t have your father’s name because I didn’t want you looking for him either. I do not know why Lilia didn’t give you his last name. You might have to ask him.”

“All my life I have asked the old man many questions about my parents, but he didn’t give me any information aside from that you were beautiful, that you loved me very much, and that you let me go to give me the best chance I could have.”

“I don’t know about the first one, but the other two were correct,” you giggled. Lilia had always been a bit of a flirt towards you, especially during your pregnancy. Even through the letters he had sent, there was always a bit of a flirtatious attitude. “I do love you very much, Silver.”

“I love you too, mother. And for the record, you are very beautiful. All of what Lilia has told me would be correct.” You turned to look at him and he also had a smile on his face.

~~~~~~~~

“Wait… so, what you’re informing me, Waka-sama, is that after 17 years, Silver’s mother finally appeared. How do we know she is his true mother?”

Sebek could not believe this. He has known Silver his entire life, and only now does any of his parents reach out. He sat with Lilia and Malleus in front of him in one of the many rooms of the palace. He placed himself on the chair at a table within the room, holding his head in his hands as he tried to retrace everything that the two had told him.

“Because, silly, I have met her before. One would say that I’ve even loved her before,” Lilia was still in his mature form when he said this. The former general was there from the beginning. He was at your wedding because the family had history in the military of Briar Valley. That was when he found himself entranced by you.

The reputation of the man you were wed to was less than desirable, and his family was mostly just desperate to get him married to somebody. They opted for someone who didn’t know about the guy, so they decided to choose a family of high standing from another realm.

He remembers the day you came to the palace, a slight bump visible under your gown. You had a cloak on to conceal your identity, and he was the one who answered the palace gate. Tears were running down your face, and Lilia immediately took you inside to get you warmed up.

Malleus remembers that day as well. He was also at your wedding, and while he didn’t talk with you much because you were very quiet, he could tell that you were very nice. He was still awake at the time you had entered the castle, and he listened along with his grandmother about your issues. He also saw the almost murderous amount of anger in Lilia’s eyes.

Anyway, back to the present, Sebek was having a hard time grasping everything that was happening. Then, he stood up.

“Would it be appropriate if I were to go see her?” He asked.

“I have no doubt that it would be very appropriate. I expect her to drop by your domicile later because she is well acquainted with your father. As humans hailing from Briar Valley, they connected, and I believe your father was her dentist when she resided here,” Malleus explained.

Suddenly, the crocodile was overcome with even more shock; His father knew you?? How come he had never informed him or Silver of anything about you?

“Your mother knew her too. The two were actually quite good friends, if I remember correctly…” Lilia trailed off in thought, trying to remember if what he said was actually true.

Then, Sebek passed out from the overwhelming feeling of this bombshell that was dropped on him.

~~~~~~~~

When you had returned from your walk with your son, you were met with Lilia extending his arm to you. You looked towards Silver and he nodded his head at his father figure before walking off. So, you accepted the fae’s arm and began walking with him.

“How was your conversation?”

“It went exceedingly well, Lord Vanrouge. He had so many questions, and I answered each one he had.”

“That is good to hear, darling. I’ve missed you very much, as you’ve probably guessed by now,” Lilia stopped in his tracks as he slipped his arm from yours to bring your hand to his lips and place a kiss upon your knuckles.

You couldn’t help but feel a tad flustered, but a smile graced your lips as you leaned forward to place a kiss on his cheek.

“I’ve missed you too, Lilia.” Said fae smiled in return as he once again extended his arm for you to take, and you began walking again.

“By the way, Lady Y/N, young Sebek would like to see you. He’s Dr. Zigvolt’s youngest son, 16 years old. A meeting has been arranged at their abode.”

“That sounds lovely! It’s been a while since I’ve visited the Zigvolt’s. From what I remember, I have only met their older son and daughter.”

~~~~~~~~

It was in the evening when the gathering was, and you, Lilia, and Silver knocked on the door to the Zigvolt’s house. The door was answered by the matriarch of the house.

“Y/N! It’s so good to see you!” She gave you a very tight hug, letting a few tears run down her face at knowing that you were alright.

Everyone went inside, and the table was set for supper. The older Zigvolt children walked up and gave you hugs as well. You remember seeing them when they were barely old enough to speak, but the memory of a half-fae is not to be underestimated under any circumstances.

“LADY Y/N! IT IS VERY NICE TO MEET YOU AT LAST!” You turned towards the shouting voice to see a young man bowed at a perfect 90° angle. “MY NAME IS SEBEK ZIG-”

“SHUT UP! SHE PROBABLY KNOWS WHO YOU ARE!” His older sister shouted at him, bonking him on the head to try to get him to quiet down.

“Thank you for introducing yourself, Sebek,” you were trying your hardest not to laugh at the family dynamic. “It is very nice to meet you! Silver has told me many wonderful things about you, and your dedication is the first thing I see within you.”

The guy was very close to tears at your words, his heart feeling warm.

“Y/N, is that you?” You turned to see the patriarch of the household, and you greeted him with a warm hug of his own.

~~~~~~~~

Walking back to the palace, Lilia lingered behind you and your son so that you two could continue talking with one another. After all, you had only one question for him.

“Silver, I know I have not been present in your life, and I hope you can come to understand the reasoning behind it. However, I am finished with my education and I will be working alongside Dr. Zigvolt as a doctor in Briar Valley. I wanted to ask you something, if you wouldn’t mind.” Your nerves were at an all-time high, not sure how you should phrase your question.

“What is it, mother?”

“Would you still want me in your life? I know you’re almost an adult, and I missed every single milestone of your life. I will understand if you don’t want me to-”

“Yes, please.”

“...What?”

“I said yes, please. I would love to have you in my life. But, how will Lilia take it?”

“He knows, honey. That’s why he’s behind us. I believe there is a way where it could work out…” and suddenly, you were being hoisted up into the fae’s arms in a bridal carry. You let out a squeal as Silver smiled at the shenanigans of his parental figures.

Yeah, he knew that Lilia had been smitten with you for a while now. Throughout his childhood, he has had the pleasure of hearing a story be told and retold, and he understands that it was a metaphor for Lilia’s love for you.

“There once was a princess, as beautiful and as kind as could be. Her voice would draw in fauna of all kinds. However, she was afflicted with a curse. She couldn’t stay awake.

“Her family was horrible to her, calling her names because of her curse. All she ever wanted to do was help people like her, but the family wanted to continue their bloodline. So, they married her off to a noble from a distant land.

“The wedding was a party to remember, but in the audience was a soldier, smitten with the princess. From that point on, he swore to himself that he would protect her until the world ends. Even then, his dying breaths would be used to serve her instead of himself.

“She eventually fell pregnant with a child, and she went to the castle to seek the aid of the Queen of this distant land. There, her unborn child received a blessing, and the soldier took care of her for the nine months following. He was at her beck and call; whatever she wanted, he took it upon himself to acquire it for her.

“It was in her 6th month where the two shared their first kiss. She had been working hard to try and separate herself from her husband, as she never loved him. Instead, she found herself in love with the soldier. His kindness and the stories he had to share of camaraderie and bravery on the battlefield entranced her. She found herself being lulled to sleep each night by his voice.

“However, sleep kept them apart. Her condition extended itself because of the child taking a toll on her energy. There were days where she would sleep for days on-end. However, the soldier would not leave her side. Instead, he would keep bringing her cups of tea in case she were to wake up. Each evening, he would place a kiss upon her forehead and speak to her as though she were awake.

“The night she gave birth to her child, she was accompanied by the soldier. He held her hand, and when the baby was born, the midwife cleaned the infant and handed him to the soldier. At that moment, the soldier swore to protect both the princess and the baby with his life.”

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molsno · 1 year

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I've already written about why male socialization is a myth that needs to be discarded, but in the responses to those posts, I sometimes find tme trans people who concede that yes, the concept of male socialization should be rejected, but refuse to let go of their own supposed female socialization. this always makes me quite reasonably angry, for two reasons:

I dislike it when people hijack my posts about transmisogyny to talk about things that aren't transmisogyny.

rejecting male socialization but embracing female socialization is still innately transmisogynistic.

you might find yourself wondering how that second point could possibly be true. it's true for a lot of reasons, and I'll explain to the best of my ability.

"female socialization" is the idea that people who were assigned female at birth undergo a universal experience of girlhood that stays with them the rest of their lives.

right off the bat, this concept raises alarm bells. first, it is a bold (and horribly incorrect) assertion to claim that there is any universal experience of girlhood that is shared by all people who were afab. what exactly constitutes girlhood varies greatly based on culture, time period, race, class, sexual orientation, and many, many other factors. disregarding transness for a moment, can you really say that, for example, white women and black women in modern day america, even with all else being equal, are socialized in the same way? the differences in "socialization" only become more stark the fewer commonalities two given people have. to give another example, a white gay trans man born in 2001 to an upper middle class family in a progressive city in the north is going to have a very different life than a cis straight mexican woman born in 1952 to an impoverished family and risked her life immigrating to the us in the deep south. can you really say anything meaningful about the "female socialization" that these two supposedly have in common? I think that b. binaohan said it best in "decolonizing trans/gender 101":

Then in a singular sense we most certainly cannot talk about 'male socialization' or 'female socialization' as things that exist. We can only talk about 'male socialization**s**' and 'female socialization**s**'. For if we take the multiplicity of identity seriously, as we must, then we are socialized as a whole person based on the nexus of the parts of our identity and our axes of oppression. ... Indeed, it gets complex enough that we could assert, easily, that each individual is socialized in unique ways that cannot be assumed true of any other person, since no one else shares our **exact** context. Not even my sister was socialized in the same way that I was.

and while I could just leave it at that and tell you to read the rest of their book (which you should), it wouldn't sit right with me if I just debunked the concept without explaining exactly why it's transmisogynistic at its core.

now, I should preface this by saying that I believe trans people have a right to identify however they want, and I think that trans people deserve the space to talk about their lives before transition without facing judgment. there are tme trans people who consider themselves women and there are trans men who don't consider themselves women at all but nonetheless have a lot of negative experiences with being expected to conform to womanhood. I don't want to deprive these people of the ability to talk about their life experiences. however, I do want them to keep in mind a few things.

first of all, "female socialization" is terf rhetoric. terfs talk all the time about how womanhood is inherently traumatic, which they regularly use as a talking point to convince trans men to detransition and join their side. when your whole ideology hinges on the belief that having been afab predestines you to a life of suffering, who is a better target to indoctrinate than trans people for whom being expected to conform to womanhood was a major source of trauma and dysphoria? the myth of female socialization is precisely why there are detransitioners in the terf movement who vehemently oppose trans rights.

that's why when tme trans people talk about having undergone female socialization, it's almost always steeped in the underlying implication that womanhood is an innately negative experience. even if they don't buy into the biological determinism central to radical feminism, that implication is still present. because, you see, womanhood can still be innately negative because the result of being viewed as and expected to be a woman is that you are inundated with misogyny.

that right there is why clinging to the notion of female socialization is transmisogynistic. it allows tme trans people, many of whom don't even consider themselves women, to position themselves as experts who understand womanhood and misogyny better than any trans woman ever could. that's why I find it disingenuous when a tme trans person claims to reject male socialization but still considers themself as having undergone female socialization; how could they possibly benefit from doing so, other than by claiming to be more oppressed than trans women, by virtue of supposedly experiencing more misogyny?

by being viewed as more oppressed than trans women on the basis of female socialization, they gain access to "women's only" spaces that trans women are denied access to. their voices are given priority in discussions about gendered oppression. people more readily view them as the victims when they come into interpersonal conflict with trans women. they become incapable of perpetrating transmisogyny on the basis of being the "more oppressed" category of trans people.

how exactly could such a person not be transmisogynistic, though? if they believe that gendered socialization is a valid and universal truth that one can never escape from, then what does it even mean for them to reject the concept of male socialization? if they were to actually, vehemently reject it, then they would no longer be able to leverage their own "female socialization" to imply that trans women aren't real, genuine women on account of not having experienced it. and make no mistake - there are very few tme trans people who subscribe to the myth of gendered socialization that even claim to reject male socialization. most of the time, they're very clear about their beliefs that trans women have some "masculine energy" that we can never truly get rid of after having undergone a lifetime of being expected to conform to manhood. and as a result, they continue to treat trans women as dangerous oppressors.

that's why gendered socialization as a concept needs to be abandoned wholesale. there's nothing wrong with talking about your experiences as a trans person, but giving any validity to this vile terf rhetoric always harms trans women, just like it was intended to do from its very inception.

#txt #transmisogyny #my writing #1k

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nyrasproblm · 11 days

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A different purpose

Reverend Mother Jessica Atreides x fem!reader (fremen)

Word Count: 0,8K

Warning: mention of blood, mention of labor

Summary: You ensure that Jessica and Alia are happy during and after Reverend Mother's pregnancy.

You gently ran your hands over her swollen belly, even with the hardness of the fetus that held her, Jessica's skin was soft and increased your desire to keep your hands there. Bringing your face closer, you peppered light kisses over the fabric of the tunica she was wearing, feeling her vibrate slightly from the giggle she let out.

"You have to stop this, it will make her spoiled and I don't want that to happen." Reverend Mother's soft voice spoke, her eyes landing on you with affection.

You sat back down and gave her a slight smile, then got up and went to one of the corners of your yali.

"What are you looking for? Come back, come on." Jessica called, sighing.

You took what you were looking for in your hands and hid it behind your back, walking back to the small bed.

"Close your eyes, Reverend Mother." you said, hiding a slight smile.

"You got me for so little." She sighed and closed her eyes, you took a good look at the thin, angular face of the woman you had feelings for.

The tattoos seemed to have made her even more beautiful, somehow. Jessica was focused on the prophecy, on being the Predestined, on being the mother of Lisan al-Gaib. She talked to the fetus in her belly, whispered to the child who apparently said strange things to her. But she focused on the practical part, so you had to think about the other part.

You and Jessica shared the same yali, she should have had one of her own, a big one, as she was the Reverend Mother of her people. But ever since she laid eyes on you, she wanted to keep you close. You felt the same way, so you decided to please her and take care of her children while she occupied herself with Reverend Mother's duties.

You placed what you held in her hands and sighed nervously.

"Open your eyes."

Jessica opened her eyes, she looked at you for a few seconds before looking down at what she had placed in her hands. There were three pieces of fabric carefully folded, she placed them on the bed and opened the first one, seeing that it was a soft blanket, for wrapping newborn children, typical of the Fremen.

She put the blanket on and opened the other two and one was a small tunic to wear the baby, and the other was another cloak. She looked up at you and you moved shyly.

"I made it with the big needles-"

"It's perfect." she cut you off. "Alia liked it, she loved it."

You smiled brightly.

Later that night, as you lay together, you kept whispering good things to Alia in Chakobsa, and Jessica's belly moved every now and then from the baby's kicks.

The birth process was peaceful, Jessica only moaned in discomfort, but did not scream. Alia didn't take long to be born.

"Give her the baby." Jessica spoke, still panting, to the woman who held little Alia in her arms, gesturing to you.

The woman turned to you and gave the baby, still covered in blood, into your arms. You held the little baby and look into her eyes, you didn't care that you were getting blood all over yourself. You looked up when one of the women brought a light blanket for Alia to wrap, just as you was about to accept the cloth, Jessica's soft voice came again:

"Not this one. The one you did, use it." she said.

You took the cloak you had made and carefully wrapped Alia in it, using another piece of cloth to wipe the blood off her face.

"She's happy for you to finally hold her." Jessica spoke after the other women exited the yali.

"How do you know?"

"How would I not know?" she said. "She's happy, I know."

You walked over and placed Alia in her arms, then kissed her forehead, Jessica tilted her face up and placed her lips lightly on yours.

"I'm happy too." she said.

After giving birth to Alia, Jessica returned to focusing on the prophecy, spreading the word of Lisan al-Gaib to the Fremen who did not yet believe. She spent some time with Alia, but the little girl was looked after by you most of the time.

The days passed quickly and Alia seemed to grow more attached to you every day.

You held Alia in your arms, singing a Fremen song to the little girl to sleep, when Jessica entered the yali, she smiled slightly at the sight before her.

"I'm getting jealous."

"Why do you say that, Reverend Mother?" you asked.

"She prefers you over me, and you prefer her over me." she complained and sat down on the small bed.

"That's not true." you said and sat down next to her, placing Alia's head on your arm. "I prefer you two."

"Look how she smiles at you, she doesn't smile like that when I hold her in my arms." she caressed Alia's chubby cheek with her thumb.

You laughed lightly and sighed happily.

#writing #writers on tumblr #dune fanfiction #fem reader #jessica atreides x reader #lady jessica x you #lady jessica x reader #reverend mother jessica x you #reverend mother jessica x reader #jessica atreides

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thepenultimateword · 1 month

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Soulmates Prompt List

I hope it’s ok if I use the red string in some of these prompts. Since it’s cultural, I don’t want to appropriate it or anything; I’ve just read so many fun soulmates stories based around that concept lately that I thought it would be fun to write some prompts.

1. The red string will guide you to your soulmate when you are in close proximity (within a few miles) to them. Unfortunately, [A]’s leads them to a funeral. Fortunately, they’re a necromancer.

2. Pirate’s red string has always led them into the sea. They always figured that meant that they were “married” to their sea life. That is until one day the string goes tight and they are pulled overboard and find a merperson on the other end, desperately trying to bite the string free.

3. People don’t have just one soulmate. There are many potential soulmates depending on the path one follows. Villain has take advantage of this fact after realizing that their powers are strengthened with each soulmate’s soul they devour. They don’t care much for losses, much preferring their position as a ruler and almost god. That is until they until they meet Hero, the first soulmate they’ve ever cared to spare.

4. Soulmates know each other at first sight. It’s sort of ZING! Or a ZANG! Or something like that. [A] was always told they couldn’t miss it, but now [B] is looking at them like they were just electrocuted and [A]…felt nothing.

5. Thief sees the words mid-heist. The words they never told anyone but wrote on their arm at 13 during soulstice to be able to recognize their soulmate one day. However, even with proof, Detective seems to think Thief is making up another one of their deceptions to escape. Or maybe they’re just in deep deep denial.

6. [A] is cursed to remember and [B] is cursed to forget. They are Soulmates in every life but not always successful ones. Turns out [B] only regains their memories of past lives when [A] succeeds in making them fall in love with them once again. It’s a tiring thing, wooing their love in every life, but it’s more painful to be forgotten.

7. Fate has already chosen matches for each person, but that does not stop some people from trying to “steal” soulmates, ignoring the rules that forbid flirting with anyone not prearranged for them. In fact, quite a few people have started claiming that soulmates should be a choice, but can anyone really defy fate?

8. Soulmates appear in each other's dreams the night before they meet in person. After such a dream, [A] recognizes [B] immediately, and from the look on [B]'s face when they lock eyes, they recognize them right back. So why are they lying and claiming they've never seen [A] before?

9. People used to be born with predestined matches, a matching mark appearing somewhere on their skin upon first meeting. But one day it simply stopped, so humankind had to manufacture it themselves. Now, upon birth, every baby is implanted with a device--they are legally required to upload all personal data to the device's cloud throughout their life--to simulate such a mark, only to activate upon contact with a compatible match. The ways of spontaneous soulmates are now only a story of the past. [A] is fully invested in the technology, however, [B] doesn't believe humankind should have ever messed with the decisions of fate.

10. In a post-apocalyptic world, [A] expected their soulmate to be dead. Not that it mattered anymore. Almost everyone was dead. And love was not going to keep them alive. But when a thief sneaks into their safe house and tries to steal supplies, [A] tackles them to the ground, catching a glimpse of the soul mark on the thief's neck just as it fades. Their soulmate still exists. And the feelings that come with that knowledge are very confusing.

#creative writing #prompt #writing prompt #short prompt #prompt list #soulmates #soulmate fic #fiction #writeblr #writblr #soulmate au

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theprayerfulword · 4 months

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January 16

Psalm 34:8 Taste and see that the LORD is good.

Isaiah 53:5 He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds we are healed.

Galatians 5:16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.

Jonah 2:8 Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.

Ephesians 1:4 In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His Will…

Psalm 51:10,13 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me… 13 Then I will teach transgressors Thy ways, and sinners will be converted to Thee.

May you apprehend the truth of God's acceptance of you, as you are, without conditions, for you have no deeds, or actions, or words, or goods that will enrich His wisdom or increase His wealth. Genesis 32

May you exhibit the same persistence and determination in pursuing your relationship and developing greater intimacy with God as Jacob did when wrestling all night. Though you will undoubtedly give up things you used to do you will inevitably develop spiritual gifts you never knew just as Jacob's name was changed to Israel to announce the change in his nature. Genesis 32

May you not follow the guidance from or seek the protection of the world, however well-intentioned, but be led by the Spirit of God to the shelter and the peace He has prepared for you. Genesis 33

May you perceive that although the world hungers for the material results of God's blessings, and is even willing to take on the outward appearance of your walk with God to earn them, that does not make them partakers of His covenant and will lead to pain, suffering, confusion and death without the reality of the touch from God's Spirit and the miracle of new birth through the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. Genesis 34

I am here with you in all that you encounter and in all that you experience. I understand what you feel and I know what you think. I am no stranger to these things, for I have walked this way Myself, and I know first-hand what the path entails.

Take heart, and be encouraged, for I bring wisdom and protection with Me for your needs. I lighten your load, even though you do not realize it, for how can you know the crushing burden you would carry if I was not there? I shield you from attacks that you never see, setting My angels guard around you, that you will not be overcome.

Do not be discouraged by what you deal with, My child, for I am here, providing the strength for the next step, if you will turn to Me, look into My face, and be lifted by the love you will see that I have for you.

Although I never leave your side, you must keep your heart turned toward me. I will never leave you, but you can be distracted by the circumstances around you, becoming persuaded I am not within reach. Do not believe the lie, and do not make choices based on your feelings.

I am here, beside you, now. That is My Word, which is Truth. I will not leave you nor forsake you. That is My promise, which will not be broken.

Reach out your hand for Mine and receive My strength; look into My eyes with yours and know My love for you.

You must walk the path before you, but I will see that you make it.

May you comprehend that, just as the generation to whom Jesus came as a Child and a Savior, a Shepherd and a Redeemer did not recognize or receive Him unless they were willing to heed the message of John the Baptist, so the generation to whom Jesus will return as the King of kings and Lord of lords, the Alpha and Omega, the Warrior-King Who executes judgment on the last defeated foe, will not be received or recognized by Him unless they are willing to heed the message of the Spirit and the Bride. Matthew 11

May you realize that all authority has been given and committed to the Son by the Father, and no one knows the Father except those to whom the Son chooses to reveal Him, to those who are filled with childlike gratitude, who reverence Him with childlike awe for what He has done, & who approach Him with childlike confidence in what He says, unlike those who think themselves wise and clever, trying to grasp the reality of God's spiritual truths through applying mental precision & intelligence. Matthew 11

May you appreciate that whosoever will may come to Christ Jesus. In His presence, all who will, can receive rest from the daily load of weary care, and comfort from the life-long burdens of guilt and shame. He is gentle and humble of heart, offering a yoke that fits perfectly, making His burden easy to bear as He teaches you to know the Father. Matthew 11

May you depend upon the Lord to be your safe refuge when evildoers try to put you to shame and confound the plans God gives you, for God is with those who love Him. Psalm 14

May the Lord be your refuge when evildoers attempt to frustrate the plans of the righteous and the poor in spirit. Godless fools talk themselves into believing there is no God, committing vile deeds and becoming altogether corrupt, seeking to devour God's people as men eat bread, never calling on the Lord. Having looked down from heaven to find any who understand the need to seek God, the Lord will make His abode in the company of the righteous, bringing salvation for His people and restoring their fortunes amid the rejoicing and gladness of His own. Psalm 14

May you understand God's ways, dealing wisely with men and seeking after God, inquiring of Him and requiring Him as a vital necessity in your life, for God is with the generation of those who are upright and in right standing with Him. Psalm 14

May the deep fountains of your soul be broken open by the understanding of God. Proverbs 3:20

#daily #blessings #prayers #scripture

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cant-get-no-worse · 1 year

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Just an intrusive thought that passed through my mind.

But like...

It's incredible poetic that Leo Messi was born a year later after Maradona won the World Cup. Years later, after many international heartbreak, Leo Messi would win Copa America a year after Maradona died, then finalisimma, then World Cup.

I mean, there is a reason for that meme of him being the main character or Mary Sue of football. It's because his whole damn life and career read like a wish-fulfiling scenario you'd make up for yourself right before going to sleep. He has the fairy tale harsh beginnings with the hormonal treatment, the childhood to girlfriend love story, the starboys shoutouts, the predestined call to fill up a shirt too big for him by the myth himself, the protegee arc with Dinho, at the time current best player in the world, at FCB, the polarizing decade-long football style/performances/images rivalry with Ronaldo, the unlikely friendship with the 10's historic rival (Neymar), the flood of individual awards, the collective club titles, the trials and international failures, the giving up, getting back on, not winning right away! (2018 was terrible), to finally win the international titles when the myth that he was made to replace disappeared. It's like Diego disappeared and let Leo endorse wholly the shirt, to render it his, and finally take an equal place in the Argentinian's heart by winning those titles they were asking him to get for more than a decade. One myth ciments itself through death while another is birthed. It's also incredibly poetic how he didn't win those titles with Argentina's golden generation (2006 - 2014), of which only subsisted Messi/Di Maria, but with the very kids they inspired. Kids who had seen that doomed generation - Messi, Agüero, Zanetti, Tevez, Higuain, Pastore... -, those childhood heroes fail, again and again, and those kids turned adults all arrived in the Selection wanting so desperatedly to give them and the country that final prize. Hear me tear my hair out in the background. Finally, the personal timing is absurd: right at the end of his career, after a fifteen years drought, like some kind of epiphany, the final peak to conquer, the very last trophies he didn't have in his thousand of achievements, to make it all the more meaningful and euphoric. It's poetic, romantic, scripted, fairy tale-like; whatever word you want to appose it. It's simply and utterly ridiculous. 💀

#anon ask #messi #<3 #argentina nt #the guy was predestined and you can't tell me otherwise #he just has that mythical air about him akin to Maradona or Pelé or Cruyff #that no other current or past player has.

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triassictriserratops · 21 days

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SANARÁS MAÑANA

Upon my birth I was bestowed the title and position of Eldest Daughter. I hadn’t yet opened my eyes when, like Aurora, I was gifted with the predestination of my role. My name. A name to shout. A name to threaten. A name to warn. A name to accuse. A name to chisel into the stones of another person’s life and meaning. Deja de llorar o te daré una razón para llorar. My blood. Blood to spill. Blood to drain. Blood to curdle with fear. Blood to feed a bruise. Blood to use as leverage. Soy tu madre y me respetarás a mí y a mis parejas románticas. My bones. Bones to break. Bones to burden. Bones to shake. Bones to squeeze. Bones to offer up to the altar of the wolves that you always seemed to love more than your own children. Tú odias a todos los hombres a quien yo amo. ¿Quieres que yo muera sola? Why? Why was I elevated to this position that I never applied to? Because it was done to you? Did you not realize that this was the cycle that gave you the wounds you hired me to soothe? Or is it that you knew the harm you were causing but, like a haunted video tape, you were compelled to pass it on to someone else to quiet the monster in your mind? You were my parent. My first relationship. My foundation. You were my bully. My first abuser. My obligation. You didn’t know how to spoon-feed me love and security So I learned to lick love off of knives instead. A secret family recipe, passed down dutifully in a line. I am starved. I am drained. And simultaneously I am full to bursting. I was an empty vessel, but you had so much to pour. The salt of tears, spilled generations before either of us walked this earth, burns the cuts on my skin as you pour into outstretched hands that have long since run out of space. Where were my own tears supposed to go? I carry a bag of broken bones, slivered fragments mixed in with my own, Splinters of trauma long since separate from culpability, ownership, or even names. The tired sighs of a long line of eldest daughters Each of them born with outstretched palms, immediately filled, Expected to carry. Expected to feed. Expected to heal. They left this world to me, and I grip it in sore hands. Is there a cast large enough to fix this? Is there a box strong enough to securely pack this into? Is there enough attic space to store this somewhere that isn’t my body? Can I set solid foundations that aren’t built on the capriciousness of those that never tried to heal? Can I find my own pieces, scattered amongst the grains of those that couldn’t even admit that something was broken in the first place? I must. I will be the last eldest daughter of an eldest daughter. The cracks in my skin will be stitched together with lines of silver and gold. It ends here with me. Sana, sana, colita de rana.

#my writing

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navstuffs · 6 months

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The Sacrifice

Pairing: CultLeader!Toji Zenin x GN!Reader

Summary: Toji has found the perfect virgin to be sacrificed to his God.

Warning tags: 18+, HORROR, DARK FIC, GORE, TORTURE, blood, Zenin are a cult and worship Kynda (random god's name), some yandere!behaviour, cult! behavior

Author's Notes: honestly, i couldn't leave toji with just Megumi's imaginary friend. i had to focus and do a better job for him cause my man deserves it. enjoy!!

my halloween's masterlist

Some people are born for greatness, such as Toji Zenin. Determined to be the Zenin leader since his birth, eagerly expected by the rest of the members of the Zenin clan, Toji has been prepared to fulfill his destiny: to guide his people into a better world.

Everything started when Toji's great-great-grandfather received a message from Kynda, their god. Kynda told Toji's ancestor when the right time came, Kynda would save them from all calamity and despair to a better world. The Zenins had always been unique, and no one was more worthy of salvation than them.

Kynda instructed Toji's ancestor to create a new society, with Their rules, away from the perverted and modern one. The Zenins quickly found a spot in the middle of the mountains, further from the city, and constructed their sanctuary there.

Kynda's rules were pretty simple:

Kynda sees everything. Kynda knows everything. You are always under Their supervision.

Everyone was equal under Their observant eye.

To fail was expected, and you could fail many times. Kynda wouldn't judge you.

No matter the crime, no matter the wrongdoing, Kynda always forgives.

There was, nonetheless, the most significant rule. The one that no Zenin should ever break: "To love Kynda above everything and everyone else. You should never place a human, an object of desire; nothing should come above Kynda in your heart." If a Zenin devoted their heart and soul to Kynda, they would be blessed to lay in Kynda's arms for eternity after their passing.

Toji's duty has been predestined. Passed down from generation to generation, waiting for a signal from Kynda. The access to get out of Earth: "The sacrifice of a virgin would take them to eternal paradise."

After long years of waiting, the Zenins finally had their answer when their prominent priest received a message directly from Kynda, declaring it was time and the weight of that task was on the shoulders of their Leader and Chosen One, Toji Zenin.

May Kynda bless him.

Your screams can be heard begging for clemency when two cloaked members bring you from the dungeon you have been kept for the last two weeks. Two weeks without the sunlight, two weeks without knowing what happened to you. Asked repeatedly if you were a virgin, just a poor hitchhiker kidnapped by one of the members who allegedly swore on his life that Kynda demanded it had to be you.

When Toji laid his eyes on your frightened form when you were first brought before him, he knew you were perfect. He didn't know the reason; maybe Kynda speaking inside of him, but looking inside your terrified eyes confirmed you could just have been chosen by Kynda.

Your eyes wander across the enclosed space filled with browned, cloaked people. No one lands you a helping hand or cares about you, simply watching you being taken away until a sacrifice altar. Standing behind it, the man who you recognize as the leader of this cult, the only one you had seen the face before, his eyes glowing with the light of the torches.

As you are placed down on the altar and strained with ropes in your legs and wrists, Toji starts chanting for Kynda with his deep voice, and he is soon followed by the rest of their members. You had never heard such horrible sounds, sounds that shouldn't belong to this Earth.

"Please, don't do this! PLEASE!" You scream, the fear of dying palpable in your voice.

"The moment has finally arrived: the time for our ascending into Holy Kynda's blessed lands! We will finally join our ancestors, waiting for us in Eternal paradise!" Toji announces, his loud voice echoing through the cave.

There is a low murmur in agreement, and you start crying. Toji's green eyes cross with yours for a moment, not showing any empathy or sign of pity. This man will kill you, there is no doubt about that! You try to fight against the ropes, to no avail, screaming louder for them not to do this, but Toji's mouth silences you.

"We offer you this human as a sacrifice, Kynda."

Toji takes the sharp dagger from the table's corner, and your eyes widen. You try to squirm more and more, but with the ropes and Toji's firm grip on your lips, you can do nothing. He doesn't see you as a human, just an obstacle to his objective.

When the knife finally penetrates your skin straight into your stomach, you barely feel it. It doesn't hurt at first until Toji pulls out. Toji raises and stabs you again, this time in your chest. You scream in his hand, the tears coming down your face. You hear the silence from people watching this, your eyes and mind trying to find a way, any miracle way, for you to live.

But there is none.

Toji watches as you die. He observes as you take your last breath, closing your eyes. Toji thanks Kynda for the opportunity and closes his eyes in respect, followed by the rest of the members praying for a moment in Kynda's name.

Nothing happens when Toji opens his eyes. There is no sign of Kynda, no light coming above his head, no sudden appearance, nothing. The Zenins are still in the same place Kynda indicated long ago where to make the sacrifice: no sound of heavenly music and no mystical door opening to Eternal paradise.

The first thing Toji notices is the black liquid coming out from your body. Your semi-open mouth, your ears, the cuts in your skin. A black viscose and thick liquid start dripping down the altar, flowing down the floor where the rest of his clan stands, the dagger still in your chest. Toji realizes he can't move: an invisible force keeps Toji strained, watching as your head slowly turns in his direction.

This has got to be a test. Some sort of nightmare. Some sort of...

You open your eyes, but they aren't human anymore: they are dark as the night sky with no stars. A victorious grin appears on your lips as you stare into Toji's soul: a chill he had never felt before in his entire life makes his skin crawl. His attention is momentarily taken away from you by the screams of his members, raising his eyesight to a horrible scene.

The rest of the Zenins are exploding. Every single one of them. Exploding in the same black viscose liquid that comes out of your body. Some try to run away, but when the liquid penetrates their skin, it leaves them screaming on the floor in pain until their body explodes. Toji can't look anymore as his whole entire family gets killed. He looks down, watching you pull the dagger from your chest, slowly raising yourself from the altar.

"Oh, Toji. You really forgot Kynda sees everything." You whisper, walking toward Toji's immobile form. The size difference so clear before, with you fragile and weak, doesn't mean anything anymore: you are in control now.

"I don't, I don't—"

"You didn't think I would have discovered your other family, didn't you?" You reply, sarcastic, playing with the dagger in your hand, the word "other" carried with disgust.

No. Oh, no.

With uttermost horror, his wife and son's faces come to mind. Toji didn't think much when he met that fierce woman and married her, having a child with her. Toji convinced himself he would never love them as much as he loved Kynda; Toji kept them a secret, away from all this, because deep down, he wanted to ensure their safety. When he realized he started loving them more than he loved Kynda, he ran away. Came back to the Zenins, hoping Kynda would forgive him.

Kynda sees with disgust those who betray Their trust and their love.

"You knew the rule: never love anyone more than me. And you failed me. You failed the most important job you had in your entire miserable and pathetic life." You gesture to the tragedy behind you before turning back to him. No one is alive anymore as the liquid returns to your body. "But now, it's over. And you will be mine for the rest of eternity."

You stab Toji in his gut, making him fall to his knees, crouching in pain. He doesn't make a noise to which you are thankful. But you aren't killing him, oh no. That would be a waste.

You spit a bit of the black liquid in your hands, forcing Toji to open his mouth and swallow. He has no chance. If he had been lucky enough, you could have killed him.

No one ever betrays Kynda without consequences. Toji had ruined his entire clan and destroyed his whole bloodline. His destiny. His last thoughts before passing out were on Megumi and his wife. Toji is glad he never brought them into this mess.

There is one thing Toji forgot or didn't want to consider: Kynda sees it all. Kynda knows it all.

You come out of the Zenin's cave, humming. Behind you, Toji Zenin followed you, whatever was left of him: a puppet, ready to be used by you as you desire. His eyes have no life.

You stop by the entrance cave, watching the big city lights. You tap Toji on the shoulder, asking in a happy tone.

"So...should we go find your other family now?"

Toji Zenin had yet to learn this lesson. Maybe you should give his body momentary consciousness when you arrive at the doorsteps of his wife and son's house and hand Toji the same dagger he used to kill you earlier. Watch if he will beg for their life or finally prove he loves you, Kynda, above everything else.

taglist: @roseglazedlens, @scar-crossedlvrs.

#toji fushiguro x reader #toji fushiguro x you #toji fushiguro #toji zenin x you #toji zenin x reader #toji zenin #toji fushiguro fanfic #toji fushiguro fanfics #toji fushiguro horror #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen fanfic #HONESTLY THIS IS MUCH BETTER THAN MEGUMI'S IMAGINARY FRIEND

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taraljc · 21 days

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Finished 'Avalon' parts 1-3, and David Warner is just so delightful chewing scenery as if his life depends on it. All my lovely magic... needs to be one of my notification sounds on my phone. Although every time I watch it and the Archmage says 'I've waited a thousand years for this' I'm like bitch wtf it has been 2 hours.

As always Jeff as the Magus made me cry, though I continue to believe since he died in Arthur's Hollow Hill with Avalon's magic coursing through it and him, that he's just sleeping.

I still have no idea how or why The Archmage decided that Macbeth and Demona should be his soldiers particularly since like how the hell does even know Macbethad mac Findláech in 975 CE, 30 years before he was even born? I was not aware of the eye of Odin or the Grimorum foretold the future... every time I watch part 3 my brain hurts. Greg does love his predestination paradoxes, tho.

I think my favorite little moment will always be the apples falling from the tree as Arthur shatters Macbeth's sword and pins his duster to the tree with the hilt. they never talk about Avalon being the Isle of Apples on the show, but I love that they remembered it.

Also Kath Soucie I loved you since Minx on Jem and I always will but that is not how you pronounce geas (although I'm sure Brynne and Lydia did their best trying to make that rhyme work).

How does one pronounce geas? As the fabulous inestimable @petermorwood has said:

G is hard = “golf”, ea = “sea”, Irish terminal s = “wash”. The proper pronunciation is “geesh” like Sean Connery describing several large waterfowl.

A geas is a binding. Sometimes it's an obligation, sometimes it's a curse. This is very clearly illustrated in the Ulster cycle where Cú Chulainn murders his only child due to the geas he himself placed on the boy at his birth.

(I have a lot of very strong opinions about Cú Chulainn, mostly distilled into the short story Mórrígan which I wrote for Yuletide one year.)

#gargoyles #all the headcanons ever

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danpuff-ao3 · 1 year

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Tomarry Synastry: Make Love, Not War (HP Astro # 18)

It might help to read Harry and Tom's respective horoscopes first, because we're about to dive into their synastry!

So...what what does synastry have to say about it? Are they starcrossed, or is this love story written in the stars?

Before we get into synastry proper, let’s take a brief moment to appreciate some of the smaller details. The fact that both were born on the 31st day of the month; not only the last day of the month, but the thirty-first exactly. Then think of the seasons: Tom, our “cold hearted” monster born in winter; Harry, our sweet summer child with a lion’s heart. There’s a certain feeling of symmetry here that appeals. And while I say this isn’t synastry (and truthfully, it isn’t), astrology itself is built as a language of symbols and connections and deeper meanings.

The birth times even (though in fairness, neither are canonical) tell a story. Tom born in the early hours of morning, when it’s still dark out. Harry midafternoon, when the sun is bright and shining. Darkness (morning) and coldness (winter); brightness (afternoon) and warmth (summer.) Tom born in the third (almost fourth) hour of morning; Harry in the third hour of the afternoon (though earlier in the hour.)

Of course, I’m sure you’re here looking for more than just the vibe (though a lot of astrology certainly is a vibe, at least the way I read it!)

So let’s take a look at the actual chart, shall we?

The most telling point of all is the ascendant: their ascendants are conjunct in Scorpio. Harry’s is at seventeen degrees and thirty-five minutes, Tom’s at seventeen degrees and fifty-nine minutes. Only twenty-four minutes of separation, not even a full degree apart! This is very, very close.

Conjunctions are very close relationships, very tied up in each other. The same energy in the same place mirrored back at each other. Ascendants represent how we react, and how we are perceived. It's first response, first impressions; immediacy.

There is ease in the conjunction, but it can be argued there is such a thing as too much ease. There is good and bad to all things, after all. Ease can lead to stagnation can lead to negativity, even destruction. Especially when you look at Scorpio energy. Scorpio is intense, dangerous. The sharp edge of a blade. The black of night where monsters lurk, and you can't see them. The water overtaking you when you swim out too deep.

Here, I think, we can look at the prophecy, at fate, and find it telling. Was it predestined, or was it Voldemort's decision? It's the whole free will argument that always accompanies talk of fate. But there was a prophecy, and it was fulfilled. And for all the darkness, for all the carnage, it would feel wrong to call it "easy." But wasn't it easy?

Why did Voldemort choose Harry over Neville? Because he saw himself in Harry; and in seeing himself, he saw danger.

And if the ascendant is first meetings, first impressions, when would we say their first meeting was? That fateful night in Godric's Hollow? At Hogwarts, from the back of Quirrell's head? The graveyard? Perhaps none of these were easy on the individuals themselves, but might we see that, perhaps, their enmity itself is easy? Natural? An exchange of energy, of hatred, of fear? Are they so alike that they clash?

Can we imagine where they would stand without the prophecy? (I imagine so, there are many an AU telling that story.) That dark, throbbing Scorpio energy meeting its match in one another.

Challenge accepted.

Of course, the ascendant tells us something more. Sharing a rising sign means they share a chart ruler. Both Harry and Tom are ruled by the same energy.

In classic astrology, Scorpio is ruled by Mars, planet of anger and aggression and sexuality. In modern rulership, Scorpio is ruled by Pluto, planet of death and transformation. I think we can easily see how both could be ruled by both planets. How deeply affected both were by war, and by death.

Tom was born between World War I and World War II, and lived to see WWII in action. Harry was born during the first Wizarding War. And both the First and Second Wizarding Wars were centered around Tom. One could argue Tom began the wars, and Harry ended them.

Then: Death. Merope died after birthing Tom. Lily died saving Harry. The death of their mother cosigned them to life among Muggles, unaware of their heritage. Both were awed by magic. Both found a home in Hogwarts. At Hogwarts, Tom would begin to kill, while Harry would continue to lose those who mattered to him. Tom caused many deaths, while Harry worked to prevent them. And Tom worked tirelessly to elude Death, to become the Master of Death; Harry succeeded in becoming Master of Death, though he hardly wanted it. Voldemort's followers were called the Death Eaters; Harry was called the Boy Who Lived.

But death in astrology is more than Death. Death means endings, renewal, and transformation. Regeneration. Both more or less "became" wizards (as they didn't know beforehand, and were estranged from the magical world.) Tom transformed into Voldemort. Harry transformed from a scrawny, abused boy to a famous hero. Voldemort made Harry his Horcrux (whether he intended to or not.) Voldemort gave Harry his destiny by choosing him as his foe. Voldemort was "resurrected" in the graveyard. Harry came back from King's Cross. He survived the Killing Curse not once, but twice. He was in possession of the Resurrection Stone.

Not only do they share a rising sign, and a ruling planet. For Harry and Tom it is more than that. They share a destiny. And, it could be argued, they share a soul.

Their rising signs aren't the only point of connection in their charts. Aspects, such as the conjunction, are the relationship between two planets, which makes it a big focus in looking at the relationship between two charts (or people.) Not all of them are major, but I will note that Harry and Tom have 37 "main" aspects in their chart (there are many, smaller aspects, but I only look at the big ones.) I won't explain them all, just the ones worth talking about, but I will list them all, if only to point out the scale (such as I did in Snarry Synastry 2: Love, and Other Aspects.)

I'll list Harry's planets first and Tom's second, for ease.

Conjunctions: arguably the strongest aspect. Like energies that amplify one another. Strong similarities.

Ascendant - Ascendant

Ascendant - Moon

Uranus - Ascendant

Moon - Uranus

Uranus - Moon

Mercury - Pluto

Neptune - Mercury

Oppositions: a deep, destabilizing relation. These points are reverse images of one another. Stimulating, competitive.

Mercury - Venus

Venus - Mercury

Saturn - Uranus

Trines: harmonious, compatible. (Arguably boring; inarguably easy.)

Moon - Moon

Sun - Saturn

Mercury - Ascendant

Moon - Saturn

Mercury - Moon

Ascendant - Pluto

Venus - Jupiter

Jupiter - Sun

Jupiter - Mars

Saturn - Venus

Uranus - Uranus

Sextiles: also harmonious; similar to a trine, but more stimulating.

Ascendant - Venus

Saturn - Moon

Uranus - Venus

Venus - Neptune

Pluto - Mercury

Jupiter - Pluto

Squares: stress, tension. Challenging, and compelling.

Mars - Sun

Sun - Mars

Moon - Mercury

Pluto - Venus

Mars - Pluto

Venus - Uranus

Saturn - Mercury

Uranus - Jupiter

Uranus - Neptune

Neptune - Uranus

Let's pause here for a few notes. Firstly, the number of "easy" aspects versus "difficult" aspects. 24 of these are the "easy" ones, and 13 the "difficult" ones. I also can't recall if I've seen so many conjunctions (7!) in a synastry chart before.

Most interesting to me are the amount of "flipped pairs"...I'm not sure how to explain this, but such as: Harry's Uranus squaring Tom's Neptune, and Tom's Neptune squaring Harry's Uranus. I don't know that I've seen so many of those either. And I won't lie and tell you I know what it means, because I don't, but I feel as though it must mean something. Even if it's not definable by astrological standards (though, again, I'm no expert, so it might just be outside of my personal studies.)

Look:

Moon conjunct Uranus

Uranus conjunct Moon

Mercury opposition Venus

Venus opposition Mercury

Mars square Sun

Sun square Mars

Uranus square Neptune

Neptune square Uranus

It's fascinating. There is obviously so much between them, and this makes it feel closer. The red string of fate pulled taut between them; or like a noose around their neck. There is so much symmetry to their story, and we can feel it, even if we don't always know what it means.

But let's return to the realm of what I do know: the next item of importance is their moons trining each other. Now that is a gorgeous aspect to have.

The moon represents emotions, comfort, subconscious, and instinct. When they trine, we see two people on the same wavelength emotionally. A trine (often) means the same element, the same energy expressed. Harry and Tom both have water moons, which shows emotional intensity and a fear of vulnerability. When they connect on an emotional level, it's easy. Harmonious, even. There is mutual understanding, a give and take, an easy-flow between them.

Tom's Scorpio moon reflects (as Stephen Arroyo terms it in Person to Person Astrology) "emotional extremism", and a struggle to hide or express emotions. The moon is in fall in Scorpio, meaning the moon's arena cannot run at full capacity with Scorpio energy. There is difficulty in the moon's domain. Difficulty with emotion. Scorpio is passionate, and has a need to connect emotionally and express their surging passions.

Harry's Pisces moon is generous, compassionate, and idealistic. There is a dreaminess to Pisces, and a drive towards escapism. It longs to connect to and heal others. And while Scorpio energy is one of hidden depths, Pisces is more head in the clouds. At least on the surface. Pisces looks to connect to the spirit and the universe; self-awareness and higher learning. The vibe of Pisces is transcendence, where Scorpio's is transformation.

As water signs, they are both curious and intuitive, and with an air of mystery. If Tom longs to share his passion, Harry is one who can see and accept it. The fire of Tom's heart won't burn Harry, but rather will invigorate him. And if Tom is initially unimpressed by Harry's placid demeanor, he is surprised to find those deep, dark layers he hides. They provide a challenge for one another, and can stimulate each other's desire for hunting and searching and learning.

A brief glance at some other points: staying on the moon, Harry's moon trining Tom's Saturn is an interesting aspect. This is an example of a trine out of element, with Harry's water (Pisces) moon and Tom's fire (Sagittarius) Saturn. There is balance here, with Tom's sense of power and wisdom taking the lead, supported by the security and comfort of Harry's heart. And it is Harry being Tom's safe space that allows Tom to grow, and reach new heights. (Moon here being emotional support and Saturn being discipline and ambition.)

Then we see Harry's Mercury in Cancer trining Tom's Moon in Scorpio. This shows open, easy communication on an emotional level. Being vulnerable with one another, and honest. For Tom this might mean opening up in ways he never has before, and learning (Mercury's ties to communication) more about himself and his feelings in sharing that side of him with Harry. Scorpio tries to hide, remember? As for Harry, Cancer's ties to the moon give a link to feelings of home, nurturing, comfort, and protection. Of course Harry's ways of expressing himself make Tom feel safe. Even if it takes them a while to get there.

Harry's Mercury also trines Tom's ascendant, implying a similar way of thinking and expressing themselves.

As for trickier aspects, we see both of their Suns and Marses squaring one another. Their differences could mean their downfall. In both cases we see men unsure of themselves (sun) being rubbed raw and wounded by the other's aggressive nature (Mars.) We do see them fearing one another's power. Voldemort attempted to kill Harry as a baby from that fear. And Harry himself was daunted by Voldemort's power, and his violent (and evil) actions.

Harry's Mars also squares Tom's Pluto. This means conflict. Big conflict. It feels like a fight for survival. For Harry (Mars) it is his independence, freedom, and sense of self; for Tom it is a matter of power, spirit, life and death. This is a brutal, primal conflict. With luck, the high spark of sexuality will batter down those walls and give them a place to mediate and find common ground.

There is so much between Harry and Tom. They are meant to be, however it plays out. Lovers, enemies, both. Foes fighting to the death. A conquerer and a prisoner, or a king and his consort. No matter the universe, or their circumstances, and wherever fate leads them, they can never be nothing to each other. They will always play a grand role in each other's lives; for better or for worse.

#hp astro #tomarrymort #tomarry #harrymort #astrology #synastry

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