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flemingsfreckles · 15 days

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Better Boyfriend than Him (18+) pt. 6

Jessie Fleming x Reader

Read the previous parts here

Warnings: SMUT (18+), fingering (r giving), oral (r giving), tit sucking, cursing, non-sexual nudity

WC: 5.6k

A/N: this is the end folks :) thank you to all of you who interacted with any part of this series or sent me suggestions I really appreciate it 🫶

It had been 5 weeks since you and Jessie officially became girlfriends and 5 weeks from the day Jessie had asked to join you in the shower.

“Can I join you?” You looked back and Jessie was still sitting on the bed that the two of you had just messed up. Despite fucking you Jessie was still completely clothed as well. Her eyes met yours for a moment before she looked down to the floor.

“Only if that’s what you want. You don’t have to just because I asked when I’d be able to touch you.” You didn’t want her putting herself in vulnerable positions just trying to please you.

“I want to.” She pulled the blanket off from her waist and moved out of the bed toward you.

You started the water and got out a second towel for Jessie. You could feel your heart racing. A new feeling of nerves and excitement racing through your body.

“I can get in first, if you want to just come in when you’re ready, or I can wait. Up to you.” Maybe she was comfortable with the idea of showering but not the idea of stripping off her clothes in front of you yet. You looked at her and she leaned against the counter, hands crossed against her chest.

“Yeah go ahead, I might be a minute.” You could tell by her voice she was uncertain in what was happening. You stick your hand into the shower, turning the heat up a little more before walking across the cold bathroom tile to place a kiss to Jessie’s lips.

You grab her hands as you pull away, holding them firmly in your own. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” Looking into her eyes as you talk to her. “I want you to be comfortable, whatever that means to you is okay with me Jessie.”

She just nods and when you squeeze her hands she returns the gesture. You let go and walk back, opening the shower door and stepping in. The shower door was glass but fogged. You could make out the shape of Jessie against the counter through it but not actually see what she was doing.

You moved under the water letting it run down your face, your hands coming up to wipe your eyes before you get your hair under the water. You shampoo your hair, rinse it and put in conditioner. You grab the body soap and give a glance back through the fogged door. Jessie hadn’t moved.

“You okay out there?” Having to slightly yell over the sound of the loud shower head.

You hear her clear her throat. “Yeah I’m good.” Her voice sounds shaky. Deciding not to press, you try and change the subject.

“What do you want for lunch? I’m not sure what I have in the fridge so we might need to run to the store to make a real meal but I’m thinking maybe burgers or we could do chicken, we could do pasta,” you start throwing out any meal ideas to her. “Maybe we could just have salads that one with the shrimp you like,”

“Please stop.” Her voice comes from over the shower. “I know what you’re trying to do.”

“I’m just trying to figure out what we’re going to eat.” Acting innocent, you try to sound normal.

“No you’re trying to distract me. I appreciate it but if you always just distract me, I’ll never get any further than where I am.”

“Sorry.” You really had meant well, trying to get her mind off the stress and anxiety you could feel she was having. You finished rinsing your body and started to rinse out the conditioner. You turn for a minute, facing away from the door. That’s when you hear it open, and you can sense Jessie now standing behind you in the shower.

“Hi.” Her voice is still shaky, quieter now that she doesn’t have to yell through the shower door.

“Hi babe.” You stay facing away from her, you weren’t sure if she wanted you to turn around or if just she wanted to be in your presence without your gaze for the first time. It’s quiet for a minute, you don’t move, having already rinsed your conditioner out you’re just standing under the water, facing the wall.

“Um, I’m done in the shower, do you want me to leave so you can shower? I can stay or go, whatever you want.”

“Stay. Please.”

“Can I turn around?” You had to turn around at some point, even if it was to just leave the shower. You hear her take a deep breath behind you.

“Yeah, you can.”

You move slowly, giving her enough time to stop you or change her mind or even run out of the shower. But she doesn’t and when you turn you’re met face to face with your red cheeked girlfriend. You don’t dare let your eyes drop, you’re practically staring at her eyebrows instead of her eyes, not wanting to look at her and make her uncomfortable. You can tell she’s got her arms across her chest, holding her breasts tight against herself.

“Hi Jess.” She doesn’t respond just giving you a weak smile.

“Stop staring at my forehead, it's weird.”

“Sorry.” You make an effort to look down at her eyes.

“Here let me move.” You start to shuffle to one side of the shower. “You can get in the water.” She passes by you, her skin gently grazing against you and it leaves you with goosebumps.

Your turn facing her again, she’s facing you. Her eyes move all over, yours stay glued to her face.

“Want me to wash your hair?” You offer, it was something simple but you thought it might help given that she had yet to take her arms away from her chest, making it hard for her to wash her own hair.

“Yeah that would be nice.” She finishes getting her hair soaking wet. She then turns her back to you. You each a hand over her shoulder putting out your palm.

“Shampoo please.” Jessie removed one hand from her chest, grabbing the bottle and squeezing a dollop into your hand. “Thank you. I’m gonna touch your hair.” You don’t know if she wanted the warning but you figured it was the polite thing to do.

“Okay.”

You lather some of the shampoo in your hands, the smell of it filling the shower. You place your hands gently on her head. Starting with gently working your hands through her hair. She tilts her head back letting you reach the front of her scalp. As you work your hands down toward the base of her neck you feel Jessie’s neck and head relax, putting its weight into your hands. She lets out a soft groan as you work your nails harder into the base of her scalp.

“Good?” You say to her.

“Yeah, this is really nice.” You keep scratching at her skull, mixing between soft and harsh movements. You’re looking at the back of her head, barely touching her but you can’t help but think this is the most intimate experience of your life. Here you were, both naked, but with no sexual intentions in mind, you were providing her a simple task and yet it made you feel so close to her.

“Conditioner?” You remove a hand from where it was tangled within her hair and you place it again over her shoulder palm out. Jessie repeats her actions grabbing the bottle and squeezing the conditioner into your hand. You spread it and run your fingers through her hair.

You remove your hands from her, placing them back at your side. Unsure of what to do while she let the conditioner sit. You both just stood, only the sound of the running water filling the bathroom.

“Do you mind stepping out so I can wash my body? I’m sorry, I’m just not,”

“Of course babe. Don’t apologize.” You don’t even let her finish apologizing. You open the shower door, stepping out onto the bath rug. “A clean towel for you is on the hook.”

“Thank you.” You can see her silhouette moving around in the shower. You give her one last look before you move into the bedroom, closing the bathroom door behind you not wanting to be waiting in the bathroom when she gets out. You stood in your bedroom, pulling out two pairs of sweatpants, two sleep shirts, and two hoodies. The water stops running in the bathroom. Jessie opens the door, peering around it.

“Hi!” You were in love, nope not in love you hadn’t even been dating a whole 24 hours, you were smitten, with the way she always gave you a sweet “hi” when she was shy.

“I got you clothes.” You point at the obvious pile of clothing you had gotten out.

“Thank you for giving me privacy earlier.”

“Thank you for asking for it. I’m proud of you for taking that step today, I’m sure it was scary. I’m really proud of you Jessie.” You kiss her temple.

You drop your towel, grabbing from the clothes laid out on the bed. You slip on panties followed by sweatpants and a shirt. You then turn around, facing away from Jessie giving her the privacy to get dressed. You hear her move behind you, when she’s dressed you feel her arms wrap tightly around your waist.

“Thank you.”

You had progressively seen more and more of Jessie’s body over the 5 weeks. First it was in the shower, she then started joining you more and more frequently especially after the two of you would have sex. She progressively started to remove her hands from her body, you kept your eyes up, but you could tell she was getting more comfortable. She would wash her body in front of you, though you still kept your eyes nearly to the ceiling . You no longer left to let her finish in private, she didn’t ask you to leave.

Next she had started changing in the room with you, not giving you warning. The first time she did it you nearly panicked, but then realized making it a deal would be worse so you acted as if nothing happened as she changed into her pajamas.

When you had sex she still kept on her bra and underwear but she let your hands roam over her more and more. Quick touches to her waist, then to her thighs, eventually she allowed you to have your hands on her ass squeezing and grabbing while you made out. You could tell she was trying and that was all you needed. With every milestone you felt so proud of her.

And then she flashed you, and you nearly fell over. This was 3 days ago and you couldn’t get the image out of your head. Jessie had called you into her bedroom from where you were sitting in the living room. When you entered the room you saw the look on her face, a smirk as she stared at you across the room. It was a look that told you she was up to something.

“What did you do?” You questioned Jessie

“Nothing but I have to show you something.”

“Okay?”

She just smiled at you before shouting “Look!”, and she grabbed the hem of her shirt, pulling it up, exposing her chest to you.

Your eyes fell to her chest and your jaw dropped, before you could register that you were staring at her boobs, her shirt was back down, covering them up.

“I’m going to make popcorn.” She says as she walks past you back to the kitchen. You were absolutely shocked at what had just happened. An overwhelming feeling came over you, a mixture of happiness, pride, and being incredibly turned on all washed over you. You weren’t super proud of being turned on, knowing you should be more happy about her milestone but it was your girlfriend's boobs that you had just seen fully for the first time. You take a deep breath before following her to where she was standing in the kitchen.

“What just happened in there?”

She just shrugs as she looks at the microwave. “Just felt like it.”

You walk up behind her giving her a tight hug around her waist and placing your chin on her shoulder. You place quick kisses to her neck. “I’m proud of you, as always.”

“Did you like them?” She turns a big smile on her face as she asks.

“They were,” your mind goes blank as you think about the image of your grinning girlfriend holding up her shirt, “so good, really Jess, like those,” you tilt your head in the direction of her chest. “Those are perfect.”

“Thanks, grew them myself.”

“What the fuck babe.” You laugh at her comment.

Now it was 3 days later, the two of you were sitting on Jessie’s couch, sharing a bag of chips as you worked on chemistry homework.

“Can I tell you something?” Jessie said tapping her pen rapidly against the table, feeling anxious.

“Always.” You stop the problem you’re working on to give her your attention.

“I think I’m ready.” She waits looking at you.

“For?” When she leaves you hanging you have to nag.

She lifts an eyebrow suggestively at you, when you don’t get the hint she fills in the blank. “Sex.”

“Oh!” You realize what she’s implying. “Okay, are you sure?”

She nods. “Maybe tonight?” She has a small red flush to her cheeks.

You lean over to give her a kiss “Whenever you’re ready.”

It was later that night, you had gone home for a few hours and returned to Jessie’s for the evening. Upon walking through the door the Canadian had her lips on yours hard, indicating she was still up for what she had suggested earlier that day.

You kiss Jessie’s soft, plump lips for a minute before you pull back from her, pushing her off with your hands on her chest.

“If you want to stop just say something, stop, wait, no, anything I’ll stop what I’m doing. If you don’t want to say something but need me to stop just tap me three times in a row.” You grab her arm to show her what you mean, tapping her gently. It wasn’t something the two of you had used before but you had done some research on how to make this experience comfortable and read that verbal no’s can be sometimes difficult and it’s good to have another option. The article had recommended the three taps and you figured you could offer it.

“Okay.”

“Promise you’ll stop me if I make you uncomfortable or you change your mind or if you just don’t want to?” You hold out your pinky to her, she links hers with yours.

“I promise.” With that you grabbed her hand, pulling her gently down the hallway toward her bedroom.

You kissed her, holding her tightly to you as you stood in her bedroom.

“Can I take your shirt off?”

“Yeah babe.” You had taken her shirt off numerous times, but you always asked anyway. Your hands found the hem of her shirt and Jessie lifted her arms above her head. You slowly lifted her shirt, letting it fall to the floor.

“Are you okay if I move us to the bed?”

“Yes.”

You bend down, picking her up and moving to the bed. You set her down so she is sitting on the side of it and you’re standing between her thighs on the ground. Still taking it slow you just make out for a couple of minutes. You let your tongue softly meet hers. Your hands are on her waist, gripping her tightly, your fingernails probably leaving small indents in her skin. Her hands are on your face, one on each cheek, pulling you into her.

You kiss her until she pulls back. “As much as I enjoy making out with you, can we pick up the pace here?”

You nod rapidly at her and release your hands from her waist. She moves herself up the bed, resting her head back on the pillows. You follow her, crawling to place yourself above her, your legs between hers. She wraps her thighs around your waist. Leaning in, you start kissing her again, Jessie’s fingers start to play with your waistband under your shirt, she knew you loved the soft traces of your waist she would tease you with.

“Shirt off?” She pulls back from your lips and asks.

“Please.” Helping her, you both take your shirt off. When you move back her hands come to your covered chest, squeezing your tits through your bra. You move your head toward the crevice of her neck, kissing down the side. When your lips meet her collarbone she lets out a breathy moan.

“That feels good.” Her hand comes up to grab the back of your head, keeping you in the spot she liked. You listened, kissing, licking, and gently sucking at that spot before giving the same treatment to the other side of her neck. You move down further, kissing what skin of Jessie’s tits was above her bra. Your hands come up, finding the elastic at the bottom of her bra.

“You can take it off.” She tells you before you even have the chance to ask. As Jessie sits up you gently place the tips of your fingers under the band, giving Jessie another look, she nods and you pull her bra over her head and arms. Before you look at or even touch her chest you smile at her and place a kiss on her cheeks.

“Can I touch them?”

“Yes baby, use your mouth too.” You’re a little shocked by her forwardness. You follow her instructions. Sitting back you take in the sight, your beautiful girlfriend laying under you, shirtless for the very first time. Your eyes move from one breast to the other, taking in her skin. Moving you gently cup your hands around her chest, giving both a soft squeeze before leaning down to connect your lips to her collarbone again.

You leave a path of kisses all the way down until you lips find her nipple. You pause before putting your lips on it and glance up to see her watching you intensely.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good. You can put your lips there.” She looks down to the nipple you had avoided kissing. You once again happily follow Jessie’s request, placing your lips around her nipple. You let your tongue swirl around it, softly sucking it into your mouth. Another moan falls from Jessie’s lips. “Fuck babe, that’s good.”

You continue giving her right nipple the same attention until you hear Jessie again.

“Babe?” You release her chest from your lips with a pop.

“What? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, it was getting a little sensitive. Can you move to the other one?”

“Of course, thank you for telling me.” You smile and drop your head back to focus on her left breast. Giving it the same treatment only this time for less time. Jessie is gripping the back of your head, pushing you into her chest harder. Your hands start to wander down, finding the waistband of her pants, letting your fingers just barely dip under them.

You let your lips move off her nipple.

“Pants?”

“Off please.” She answers. Your hands come to the tie on her pants and undo them.

“Are you still okay? We can stop anytime you want.”

“I know babe, I’m good, really good. I promise. I’ll tell you.” Your hands dip into Jessie’s waistband and pull her sweats down and off her legs, you crawl back up letting Jessie’s legs wrap around you once again. One of your hands finds her thigh, gently scratching up and down, the other holding your body above hers.

Kissing her again, still soft but with more intention than you had before. It was setting in that you were finally having this moment with Jessie. Making out with her gave you a second to clear your mind, you relaxed a bit, feeling that you were previously on edge, so caught up in making this a bad experience for Jessie. But the more you two moved together, those nerves faded.

Jessie’s hips gently thrusting upward has you pulling away from her lips. You raise your eyebrows at her, glancing at where her hips had been moving and then back up to her face.

“Can you touch me please?” It’s really a simple request but it had so much meaning behind it.

“Yes baby. Do you want your boxers off or?”

“Yeah, take them off.” Leaning in for one sweet kiss, your lips find hers. You move down, kneeling between Jessie’s legs, your hands resting on her waist where the top of her boxers were.

“Good?” You feel the need to give her another check in.

“Good.”

You slowly move her boxers down her legs, she tuck her legs slightly to bring her feet together so you could slip them all the way up. She doesn’t spread her legs back on the sides of you once you have her underwear off. You don’t throw the boxers, just placing them on the bed so that if she wanted them back she could have them almost immediately.

You could tell she was nervous now. Her bottom lip being chewed on by her teeth, her hands picking as her skin, her eyes not meeting yours like they had up until now.

“Tell me what you need.”

“Just a minute, I think.” She says quietly.

You watch her continue to stare at the wall behind you. You keep your eyes watching her face. She takes a few deep breaths, then straightens out her legs, one coming on to either side of where you sat. The hormones in you tell you to look, but the girlfriend in you instead leans over to her, placing yet another reassuring kiss to her lips.

“What do you want me to do?” You didn’t want to make the call on using your hands or your mouth without asking.

“Uh.” You watch as Jessie just looks at you, “your fingers, maybe, just on my clit.” She blushes a bit when she says it, her eyes darting away for a second.

You nod and start to move your hand down until you feel her slit. You gently push her legs open, glancing down to see what you were doing. Finally seeing your girlfriend fully naked in front of you. It takes your breath away for a second, maybe it was silly to other people the thought of seeing someone naked being such a big deal but seeing Jessie in such a private way caused a wave of affection and lust to flow through your body.

Once you’ve taken in her body, you look back up to Jessie’s face. Her expression is hard to read.

“Okay still?”

“Yeah, it’s just, weird, in a good way but still weird, I feel like I’ve never done this, even though I have.”

“Okay babe, just talk to me, whatever you need.” She nods and you let your fingers slide between her folds. Her legs tense for a second before relaxing as you place your other hand out to hold hers, your fingers interlocking.

It only sets in when you feel the pool of wetness under your fingertips, that you’ve never done this before. Now your nerves were back, only for a completely different reason. You didn’t know what you were doing. You weren’t going to be any good, she wouldn’t like it.

“Hey,” Jessie snaps you out of your spiral. She had felt your hand stop moving and looked up to see you staring off into space.

You pull your hand back away from her instinctively thinking she wanted you to stop. “I’m sorry did I hurt you?”

“No, but I can tell that now you’re freaking out.”

“I’m not freaking out.” You hold up your hands, not liking her accusation. “I’ve just, never done this to someone.” You mutter the second part under your breath as if Jessie wasn’t already aware that you had never fucked a girl.

“I know.” She says, it’s a simple reply, it puts some of your anxiety at ease. The rest of your nerves leave when she keeps talking to you. “Remember when we started dating, and I was worried because I haven’t dated in so long? I was scared of being a bad girlfriend. And you said you didn’t expect me to be perfect and that it’s all really trial and error? Think of it like that.”

“Okay.”

“I don’t expect you to be perfect, honestly, and don’t take this the wrong way, this has been perfect so far, but I still have nerves, so I’m not sure you’ll even be able to get me to finish. It might take a few tries and that’s okay. I’m not expecting earth shattering orgasms. I was expecting you to be caring, and gentle, and sweet and you have exceeded my expectations already in regard to that, if I cum great, if not, this has still been great babe.”

As you look at her, those words coming from her mouth you can’t help but think of those three words. They sat in the back of your mind for the past few days, you felt it, you wanted to tell her, it was bubbling out of your chest.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Always.”

“I love you.” There’s a long pause before you continue. “You don’t have to say it back.” And she doesn’t. Jessie doesn’t say anything, she just lays, motionless starting back at you.

“Oh my god I just fucked this up didn’t I?” You want to backpedal, go back to when she was comfortable. Your chest feels tight as you put your hands over your face.

“Um,” she starts, you look notice her eyes looking glossy.

“I’m so sorry Jessie, I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I can leave if-”

“NO!” Her hand comes to grab at your shoulders.

“Oh” her touch on your shoulders relaxes you slightly.

“I” she lets out a huge sigh, “I love you.” You feel your heart racing. You can barely hear her continue to talk over the sound of blood rushing in your ears. “I actually said it to you the other day, when we fell asleep on the couch together. You were sleeping obviously but, that’s when I realized it, I had felt it before but I couldn’t place it. Seeing you peacefully sleeping, I felt like my heart was going to fall out of my chest, I was so overwhelmed with you, everything about you. I love you.”

You now have tears in your own eyes, feeling so overwhelmed with emotions. You kiss Jessie hard, pouring your feelings for her into the kiss as best you can and she does the same.

When you pull away she smirks at you. “So are we going to finish this, or did we just kill the mood?”

“Definitely didn’t kill the mood, plus now I think this is considered ‘making love’” you hold up air quotes around the words.

“Ew! No.” She gives you a gentle shove on the shoulder. “Please don’t ever call it that, you make us sound like old people.” She laughs but you can also tell she’s serious about not calling it that.

“Fine, now where were we?” You put your lips back on her and let your hand fall back between her legs. You find the same wetness that had started your anxiety before. This time to take a deep breath and remind yourself it’s just Jessie, it’ll be okay.

You use your fingers to drag some of her wetness up to her clit, making your fingers slide better. Drawing circles around it for a bit, you feel Jessie flexing and moving her hips slightly to meet your fingers.

“Can you press a little harder?” Jessie’s voice comes out a little raspy, how it sometimes would sound after she fucked you, it was hot.

You listen, pressing your fingers more firm against her body. “Just like that.” A tingle runs down your spine at her praise. You continue circling her clit, occasionally dipping back near her entrance to collect more of her arousal. One of the times when your fingers drift down Jessie speaks up.

“You can put them inside, if you’re comfortable, and then your other hand or maybe your tongue, on my clit.” You smile at the was she looks away saying the last word, she was so mouthy in bed when she was fucking you and yet so bashful right now.

Eager to taste her finally you move to your stomach keeping your fingers against her. Having your face this close to her you can smell her arousal, it’s similar and yet completely different than your own, having tasted and smelled yourself off Jessie’s lips and fingers on numerous occasions. You adjust your position again so that your mouth is just above where she wants you, your middle finger sitting at her opening.

Unsure of what to start first you’re frozen for a minute.

“Are you okay?” It’s now Jessie asking you instead of you asking her.

“Yeah, I’m just new to this.”

“Put your fingers in first.” You loved how she could tell what the dilemma was you were having without having to tell her or explain.

You do as she says and slowly slide your middle finger into her, the sensation is warm, smooth, and definitely wet. You let a moan fall from your lips when your finger is fully inside, finally feeling her around you. You pump it in and out slowly a few times before picking up the pace.

“Add another.” Jessie requests and you uncurl your ring finger, putting it next to your middle and slowing down your thrusts when you push both fingers in.

“Oh fuck.” You hear Jessie whisper. You look up and her mouth is open, eyes locked on where your hand was entering her. Keeping eye contact with her, you drop your tongue out and let it find her clit. With a single swipe you earn a loud moan from Jessie. “Keep doing that.”

You’d be lying if you said your ego wasn’t being inflated by this moment, your girlfriend moaning under you, because of your fingers and your mouth, you can see why Jessie loves being the one giving.

You find a workable rhythm between your fingers and tongue movement. Jessie is still moving her hips, her hands now both on your head, also applying pressure to move you where she needed you. It was helpful to have her guiding, and also hot the way she tugged harder on your hair when she would moan.

“That’s so good babe, keep doing that, I’m going to cum.” Her words made your eyes that you didn’t even realize you had closed snap open, finding her face. You wanted to watch as she fell apart from your touch. A couple seconds later, you get to see exactly that. Jessie’s fingers twist themselves hard in your hair, nearly painful, her mouth falls open, moans and a whine of your name comes out. Her legs close around your head and her pussy clenched tightly on your fingers making it hard for you to keep them thrusting.

“Okay, babe, fuck.” She shoves your forehead, taking the hint she was sensitive you pull back, carefully removing your fingers from inside of her.

You move up toward her head, leaving kissing sporadically across her body, one to each thigh, one above her hip, one next to her belly button, one under her rigt breast, one between her chest, two to her shoulders, one on her neck and then a kiss to each cheek before her nose and forehead and finally placing your lips on hers.

“Hi.” You say as you hold your face above hers, she looks sleepy, dazed, but happy.

“Hi.”

“Are you okay?” It’s maybe the 15th time you’ve asked her tonight, but you want to check.

“Yeah, are you?”

“Yes, I love you.” You say before leaning down to kiss her again.

When you pull back she says “I love you.”

“Can I lay?” Jessie nods her arms wrapping around your back to hold you tightly to her.

You both lay in silence, catching your breath, your head rests on her chest and you can hear her heart still racing.

“Thank you.” The quiet voice comes from above your head, you tilt against her chest to see Jessie looking at you.

“I’m proud of you.”

She just hums back at you. As you lay you hear her heartbeat slow, returning to its resting rate. You can tell she’s falling asleep, her leg twitching a few times before it stops and her breathing becomes slow and relaxed.

You close your own eyes, falling asleep to the sound of Jessie’s heartbeat, feeling safe in her arms, safe with her. You loved her, she loved you, everything was perfect.

#jessie fleming #jessie fleming x reader #jflem #jessie fleming imagine #woso imagine #woso x reader #woso smut #canwnt x reader

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scribblesofagoonerr · 3 months

Text

For what it's worth, I'm sorry and I don't really hate you | Inner Demons

⟫ Alphabet Challenge, F - For what it's worth, I'm sorry and I don't really hate you

Pairings: leah williamson x teen reader, arsenal wfc x teen reader

Hello, I'm back with part 6. Sorry it's been a bit of a wait, life gets in the way and makes it hard to write, but here's the next part. I honestly don't know how many chapters this will have because I'm really enjoying writing it, so hey ho, I might even just make this one small fic series of many ideas' I currently have in my head :)

I don't know if this chapter does make much sense at all and non of it's been proof read again, so it could be a bit all over the place but please let me know what you think!

Thank you for all the ongoing support so far, it's overwhelming to see how much that you all love this, and it gives me motivation to continue to write!

My asks are open for anyone to drop me an any ideas' on this fic or anything else that people would like to see be written, however, I am only comfortable writing anything platonic though :)

You're progressing well to get better and you're slowly returning to usual happy, self chaotic self.

TW: angst and mentions of SH, MH, suicide and death.

"So, what's the food in this place like then?" Kyra broke the silence in the room, where all the girls were all crowded in as they came to visit you in the pysch ward of the hospital during the visiting hours.

It had been 46 hours since you had been detained, 46 hours since you all but shouted at Leah that you hated her.

You really did regret it.

You didn't actually mean that though, and you had been feeling terrible about it ever since the words escaped your mouth.

"Seriously, Kyra?" Steph stares at the younger Australian in disbelief.

"What? I'm just trying to make conversation here" Kyra replies, shrugging her shoulders.

Caitlin can't help but snort. "And you decide to start with asking what the foods' like?" she teases the twenty-one-year-old.

"Yeah, cos' I've heard that hopsital food is disgusting and all" Kyra remarks to the older girl, sticking her tongue out at her.

"Very mature" Steph rolls her eyes at the two of them.

"So, what is the food like then?" Vic asks, peeking interest to know the answer.

"Terrible, I think that even Leahs' cooking might be better than what they're serving on the menu here" You can't help but grin cheekily.

"Ouch it must be bad then" Beth joins in with the joke.

"You'd better not let her hear you say outloud or I think she'd been offended" Viv tells you as she can't help but smile slightly, just happy to see you slowly returning to your old self.

"So, she didn't come with you guys then?" You ask as you pull at the sleeves of the hoodie you currently had on.

You don't miss the look that all the girls share with one another. You weren't an idiot to know something was going on.

"Just tell me what's going on" You stare at them all, trying to get an answer out of them.

"She's outside in the waiting room with Lia" Jen admits, exhaling a sigh.

"Oh" Your smile falters at the disappointing news.

"She wanted to come in with us Y/N but it was hard for her" Beth explains on behlf of the blonde, who you miss terribley. "I'm sure when she's ready, she'll come and see you" she adds, trying to keep the hope alive.

You really had messed up with what you said, you doubt that she would want to visit you, nor would she want you to come back to the flat where you lived with her.

"Oh uh, well then that's okay I guess, I mean I don't blame her for not coming cos' what I said was horrible and stuff" You make up an excuse as you find sudden interest with the floor beneath you.

"It's not your fault for being angry, Y/N" Katie pats you on the shoulder.

"How're you feeling now?" Alessia asks, concerned as a way to try and change the subject.

"Is this your way of subtly asking me if I'm going to try and attempt to kill myself again?" You glance around at all of the girls' faces in the room.

"Y/N" Kim shoots you a disapproving look.

"The answers no by the way" You mumble quietly.

"Y/N" Kim repeats again, a bit louder.

"What? You know I like to make dark humour jokes in this type of situation. It's just a coping mechanism" You tell your captain as you hold your hands up in mock-surrender, who continues to look at you with a certain look that makes you back down straightaway. "Alright, okay, I'll tone it down with the death jokes" You mumble, slouching further down in your seat.

"How's she been doing?" Leah stands in the reception area of the hospital and fumbles with her hands, as she speaks to one of the doctors.

"Y/N has making good progress. I think another day or so and she'll be ready to come home" The doctor explains with a kind smile.

"That's great news" Lia says, smiling as she glances at the blonde for her reaction.

Leahs' eyes widen in surprise and smiles slightly. "Yeah, that's good to hear. I'm proud of her making so much progress in such a short space of time" she tells the doctor.

"It is, Y/N/N has really thrown herself into trying to get better, the therapy sessions seem to be going well too" The doctor tells them honestly. "Are you going to go and see her? I'm sure that she'd love to see you" she adds.

The blondes feels apprehensive, her eyes dart over in the direction of where the doors led to the psych ward, where you would be with the rest of the girls that had all visited.

Leah had wanted to as well, she just couldn't find the courage to actually take the steps and dipped out at the last minute.

"I hate you, Leah" The words that you shouted at her, played in her head on a constant loop.

"Uh, I don't know about that. I'm not sure if she's going to want to see me" Leah confesses, shoving her hands in her pockets.

"Le, you don't know that" Lia squeezes the blondes' shoulder gently as she tries to reassure her.

"I know that she hates me, Wally. You heard what she said before" Leah replies quietly, shaking her head as she takes another glance towards the doors.

"You know that she didn't mean that, Le. You know she is just a kid with a lot of feelings sometimes" Lia tells the blonde, smiling at her.

Leah looks a bit more apprehensive as she shakes her head. "There was so much hatred in her voice when she said, it felt like she did mean it" she disagrees with her.

"She was angry the other day though, Le and you even said that yourself" Lia reminds the younger girl.

Leah hums as she bites her bottom lip "But what if she doesn't want to see me? I know she's going to be angry with me for leaving her here in this place" she admits to the older girl.

"She's been asking for you every day since she has been here" The doctor pipes in, gently smiling at the two girls.

"Really?" Leah asks, blinking in slight surprise.

"Yes, Y/N has told me about the visits from all of the girls but the only person she mentioned that she actually wants to see is you, Leah" The doctor tells the blonde.

"See?" Lia smiles at Leah and sqeeuzes her shoulder. "I told you that I don't think Y/N could ever hate you or be angry, you know that, Le" she insists.

"I know" Leah bites her bottom lip anxiously, taking another glance at the door ahead. "I just can't help but feel horrible for making the decision and I'm weary incase she resents me for it" she admits, quietly.

The doctor frowns at them both. "I know it must have been hard to be the one to make that call but it was for the right one to give her the best possible chance to get better" They explain.

"You shouldn't be blaming yourself for this, Le. It's what was needed" Lia repeats the doctors words, so to speak.

"Yeah, yeah I know" Leah admits, pulling at the sleeves of her hoodie that she had on.

"You're nervous to see her?" The doctor asks, making the brief observation.

Leah can't help but snort slightly. "That obvious?" she jokes.

"I've been in this job for a while now, it's easy enough to pick up on things like this" The doctor chuckles amusedly. "Regardless of what may have been said, I have a feeling that Y/N will be happy enough to see you" They add in.

"SNAP" You scream loudly as you slam your hand down on the deck of cards that are on the table. "HA! I win!" You cheer in glee.

Kyra let's out a irritated huff while she glares at you. "Why are you so vicious with this game?" she asks.

"I want to win" You smirk and stick your tongue out at her, pulling the deck of cards towards you.

"Kyra, you're literally losing a child" Vic chips in, watching the game amusedly.

"Said child is a menace" Kyra mumbles as she pouts.

"Sucks to be a loser" You can't help but quip as you reshuffle the deck of cards in your hand.

"Room for a couple more visitors?" Leah pokes her head round the door and braces herself for your initial reaction to seeing her.

"LE!" You dart up from your seat and run to the blonde, abandoning the game of cards completely.

All feelings of anger had been swept aside as you were just happy to see her in the room. You thought you'd blown it when you told her that you hated her.

"Hi bubs" Leah instantly embraces you in her arms and kisses the top of your hair. "I've missed you, Y/N/N. I'm so sorry I haven't been to visit you" she apologises.

"S' okay, you're here now" You mumble, burying her head in her chest as you refuse to let go off her.

"Oi I'm here too, you know" Lia jokes playfully, knowing that you would want that moment with just the blonde.

"Yeah, yeah. Hi Wally" You grin cheekily at the older girl before you turn back towards the older blonde girl. "I'm sorry for what I said cos' I didn't mean what I said about hating you, I was angry and upset and I really don't hate you I promise!" You tell her honestly.

"It's okay bubs, I know you were upset and didn't mean it" Leah smiles as she squeezes you a bit more tighter than before, being careful in case she caught any of your bandages on your arms.

Moving to sit down on the now vacant chair, Leah plonks you down on her lap as she keeps her arms wrapped around you tightly since it was apparent you weren't going to let go any time soon but she was okay with how clingy you was after she hadn't seen you in a few days.

"Whats' been going on here then?" Lia looks towards the game that was previously being played.

"We were playing cards, but Kyras' being proper salty because she's loosing now" You grin, sticking your tongue out at the Australian girl.

"How do you even loose at that game?" Steph wonders.

"I didn't know you could even loose at snap" Beth chuckles, amusedly.

"Apparently so" Jen jokes, joining in with the two of them.

Leah can't help but laugh amusedly as she runs her fingers through your hair. "The doctor said that you're making good progress" she tells you.

"Mhm" You mumble, resting your head on her shoulder.

"That's good news!" Vic overhears the conversation as she smiles at you.

"Yeah, that means you'll be able to come home soon enough" Alessia pipes in.

Katie can't help but scoff. "She should've never been here in the first place" she sneers in the direction where Leah is sat.

"Katie" Kim glares at the Irish girl.

"What? It's true!" Katie exclaims in outrage, not backing down from glaring at the blonde. "You and I both know it, we all do! She should've never been here, she should have been at home with people that care about her" she insists.

"It's what was best for her" Leah fires back just as quick.

"Was it?" Katie scowls at her.

"Can you guys please not talk about me like I'm not in the room?" You huff and glance between the two older girls.

"Sorry kid" Katie apologises.

"Sorry bubs" Leah apologises.

"Hey, Y/N/N, it'll be good that you're getting out of hospital soon enough now" Kyra slyly grins at you, looking forward to the pair of you being able to cause mischief in no time.

"Yeah, partners in crime reunited again" You grin at the Aussie girl.

"No, no! Absolutely not!" Steph protests, shaking her head. "It took me at least a week to get the ketchup of the ceiling after the last stunt that you two idiots pulled" She adds.

"I don't know what you're talking about" You try to act innocent as you slyly smirk at Kyra.

"Oh, really? So the baking soda just happened to find it's way inside the ketchup bottle, did it?" Steph narrows her eyes' in the direction of the two of you.

"Maybe" Kyra can't help the shit eating grin on her face.

"I know that look, the pair of you are definitely going to be up to no good" Viv shakes her head.

Jen chuckles in amusement. "You two willl definitely be under a careful watch now incase the next prank gets out of hand" She notes.

"Sure, cos' I'm not going to already be watched like a hawk now anyways, right?" You remark sarcastically, peering up at the older blonde.

"What do you think?" Leah replies back, raising one of her eyebrows.

"You can relax, Le. I'm not going to attempt to kill myself again any time soon" You joke, not realising that now probably isn't the best time to make any type of comment like that.

"Y/N" Kim and Leah both scold you at the same time.

You huff when you realise the pair of them are already ganging up on you and remember that being the baby of the team definitely sucks sometimes.

"What? I'm just saying, I'm not gonna, well unless Leah attempts to try and cook dinner again then it's an easy way out-- Ow! What the fuck?" You continue to make jokes about the situation at hand, jolting in shock when you feel a light pinch on your thigh from said blonde you are sat on.

"Language" Leah states sternly, giving you one of her famous glares.

"That was mean of you to do that! Too soon to make jokes about it then?" You pout and rub your thigh to try and relieve some of the pain. "Yep got it" You add, smiling innocently at the blonde.

"So, I thought you weren't going to come in because it was hard for you?" Katie scoffs at the blonde, deciding to bring the subject up now that you were out of the room, having gone to grab a drink with Jen, Steph and Beth.

"Katie" Viv glances at Katie and exhales a sigh.

"It has been hard Katie" Leah admits, biting her bottom lip.

Katie scoffs again. "Oh? I'm sorry, I'm sure it must have been so hard for you, Leah" she deadpans.

"You don't know how hard it has been, Katie!" Leah shouts loud around the room, attracting a few looks in her direction.

"Wonderful" Steph speaks up first, exhaling a sigh.

"Not again" Beth mumbles, shaking her head.

"They're fighting again, aren't they?" You huff as you walk back towards the room with Jen as you can hear the raised voices from the two girls, who weren't seeing eye to eye now

"I think so" Jen agrees.

"Fantastic" You mumble, slowly walking back into the room.

"Oh? And how do you think it's been for Y/N/N? You made the decision to keep her in here!" Katie continues to argue with the blonde, not afraid to be open about her feelings. "You haven't even visited her once while she's been here" she adds.

The Irish girl really hadn't been happy with the whole decision that had been made but there was nothing that she could do herself to stop it from happening.

It had left a tense atmosphere between the two girls and they'd shared a few cross words ever since.

"It wasn't my choice Katie!" Leah insists, continuing to argue with the fiesty Irish girl.

Katie couldn't help but scoff and roll her eyes. "Sure, but you could have said something to stop it!" she fires back at the blonde, not willing to back down from the argument just yet.

"Girls lets' not do this here" Kim looks between the two of them as she notices you walk back into the room with the older girls.

"Katie, come on, just leave it" Caitlin takes a hold of the girls' hand to try and calm her down.

However, neither of the girls were willing to back down just yet.

They were both just as stubborn as one another sometimes.

"The doctors thought it was best since Y/N/N--" Leahs' words were cut off by you, walking in right at that moment.

"Tried to kill myself, I tried to end my life, and it would have worked if Leah hadn't ran in and stopped me, so everyone thinks keeping me locked up in here it will help to keep me safe"

The room is suddenly so silent that you could hear a pin drop.

Whoops?

"Hey, at least the therapy is somehow helping to help me express my feelings now. Yay" You deadpan, plonking yourself back down on Leahs' lap as you rip open the packet of Haribo Tangfastics you had brought from the hospital shop. "So, does anyone want a sweet?" You offer, like you hadn't just said what you did.

#arsenal x reader #woso x reader #leah williamson #woso #woso fanfics #woso imagine #arsenal women x reader #leah williamson x reader #woso one shot #awfc x reader #awfc imagine #arsenal wfc x reader

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nr1chaedickrider · 3 months

Text

Love's gonna get you killed - we could've had it all.

Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important, particularly to the loss of someone that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, grief also has physical, cognitive, behavioral and social dimensions.

The sun shines through the large window in your room, and you rub your eyes with your hands as you slowly wake up and stretch. After getting dressed, you make your way to the dining hall where Dahyun and Tzuyu are having breakfast together.

"Good morning," Tzuyu says as you sit down next to her, leaning your walking stick against the table as a cook brings you food and you mumble a "thank you".

"How's your leg?" asks Tzuyu.

Her question gives you a twinge in your head, an uncomfortable feeling, and it's as if the event that actually happened months ago is happening right now.

You clench your teeth as Momo kisses your cheek and pulls the sword out of your thigh as you fall to the ground.

All you see is her looking down at you, tears in her eyes, and whispering an "I'm sorry", her only reply, an apology, a goodbye.

She disappears between the bushes, the last time you saw her.

"Y/n?" Tzuyu asks, pulling you out of your thoughts.

"My leg... it's better now, but it still hurts sometimes, but I'll start training again soon," you answer, a small smile on your lips.

"By the way, you two were a bit loud yesterday..." you add and hear Dahyun almost choke on her food, Tzuyu laughs a little.

"Sorry," she replies.

It is quiet while the three of you eat, Tzuyu interrupts the silence,

"Various people are coming to visit us tonight, we wanted to have a big party, are you coming too?" she asks, you look at her and think about it.

But just like before, you lose yourself in your thoughts and Momo is standing right in front of you.

"Come on," she says as she stands in the water, you get in, your suit wet and you can feel the goose bumps on your body from the cold.

You both look at each other, the only sound in the background is the water.

"Y/n?" says Tzuyu, "What's wrong? Are you okay?" she asks, pulling you out of your thoughts again.

"What, ah, yes. I'm coming..." you stand up, "I think Im gonna visit Jihyo..." you say, she nods and lets you go.

"How are you?" asks Jihyo as you sit down next to her.

"Normal, I guess," you answer and she looks at you thoughtfully.

"Jeongyeon can officially start training again, she's doing much better," Jihyo says, breaking the silence.

Jeongyeon...

Momo, who attacked Jeongyeon to get your attention.

"Good" you just say, but Jihyo knows exactly how you feel for a reason.

"You don't care about Jeongyeon as much as you do for Momo, do you?"

You look at her, somehow trying to find an explanation that makes sense, an explanation that shows that you're not thinking about Momo, that she's not that important.

"Sana is back in the kingdom," she says to change the subject, and you suddenly feel uncomfortable.

Memories of the past come flooding back, things that happened years ago.

It's like the first time you saw her, her smile that made your cheeks glow. Her hands that touched you in such a way that you completly melted in her arms, her lips that were so soft that you felt like you were kissing the softest pillow in the world.

Her way of talking that made you cry when she left.

"Why?" you ask Jihyo and she can tell immediately that you're lost in your thoughts.

"Because of Tzuyu's party, she came all the way from Japan, as queen she has to make official visits," she answers.

"Official visits..." you mutter.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"My people need me."

"I can't be seen with you."

I can't be seen with you.

"I know you're probably not ready to see her, and maybe you never will be, but at least try," Jihyo says and you nod, looking down onto your slightly trembling hands.

"I'm glad you all came tonight," Tzuyu says in front of all the guests at the party, a glass of champagne in her hand and in the hands of everyone else.

"I hope you enjoy tonight!" she finishes her sentence and the people applaud as a small orchestra starts playing music, people start talking to each other while some of them start dancing.

Unfortunately, the music sounds far too familiar.

"Will you dance with me?" Momo asked when you were at Dahyun's ball, just as this song started to play.

You take a deep breath and look around, then walk out of the palace and onto the terrace.

Why was every palace built by the water?

The stony shore only reminds you more of the night, even more of the evening when you felt too comfortable with Momo.

The night when Momo kissed you on the cheek.

You take a sip of your champagne, it's quite cold, you can feel it running down your throat, leaving a slight burning sensation.

But you are not alone for long, you hear the door open, you turn around and Sana is standing right in front of you.

Your eyes widen in surprise, because somehow a small - or rather larger - part of your body was hoping that Momo would be standing in front of you, that she would be here again for some reason,

A part of your body hoped that she was looking for you.

"Y/n?" says Sana.

"Sana?" you answer, a soft whisper, as if you were afraid someone might hear you, as if you weren't allowed to speak to a queen.

"Long time no see..." she says, walking to you and leaning against the stone wall, her voice so soft again that you want to cry, to take her in your arms and tell her how much you actually missed her.

But instead of saying anything, you lean against the stone wall next to her, both of you looking at the water in the distance as the sun sets.

"I heard about what happened," she says, and you don't know what exactly she's talking about.

The situation with Momo?

The attack on you that left you still unable to train properly?

The days you spent crying for Sana? Your despair?

Too many events come to mind as Sana continues,

"That thing with your leg, that knight, what was her name again-

"Momo," you answer, perhaps a little too quickly.

"Exactly, she hurt you in the fight. I hope your leg is better," a small smile appears on her lips as she finishes her sentence.

"It's gotten a lot better," you answer, drinking the last drops of your champagne. The burning sensation is back in your throat, but somehow you start liking it, a kind of burning that is somehow pleasant.

It's quiet, uncomfortable, but comfortable at the same time. Like a paradox - it's as if she has always been here, as if she never went to Japan.

"I missed you."

Sana says after a while, and it scares you somehow - you don't answer.

But Sana doesn't mind, not at all - she found your quiet way somehow relaxing. She always liked the way you listened to her without answering, because deep in her heart she knew that you somehow remembered everything, that you thought of every single detail even when she was gone.

"Whether you want to believe me or not is your decision, but I can only say that to this day I regret leaving," she says as you look at her, her eyes are slightly watery - another one of her special qualities - she gets emotional easily when she talks about her feelings.

You put your hand on hers, your thumb gently stroking her palm, a small but somehow meaningful sign for Sana. A kind of comfort.

How ironic, really, that you are comforting her.

You look back at the water, Sana does the same.

"I'll stay here longer, y/n," she adds.

Part of your body rejoices, maybe you shouldn't, but you'd be lying if you said you didn't think about her almost every day.

Thinking about Sana has distracted you from many things -

especially at this moment.

You don't notice Momo opening the door and watching you and Sana.

You don't notice the way her grip on the glass is getting tighter and tighter.

Despair? Anger?

Fear?

And when you hear the sound of glass falling to the floor and shattering into little pieces -

Momo was already gone.

Your head hurts when you wake up, maybe it was stupid to play drinking games with Tzuyu, Dahyun and Sana.

Actually, you wanted to stay civil, but... it didn't work out so well.

You decide to take a walk through the forest to get some fresh air.

After a few minutes you find yourself in this place.

Behind bushes and trees -

The place where you saw Momo for the first time.

The place where she gave you the scar on your face - which is almost gone now,

The place where you and Momo fought in the rain.

The place where you kissed before you never saw her again.

But this time it's different, this time there's no Momo here to attack you, this time you're all alone, without any armor or weapon.

You sit down on the grass and lean against a bigger stone.

And it's so different from the other times, it's just quiet, pleasant.

And maybe it would have stayed that quiet and pleasant if you hadn't suddenly heard footsteps coming closer and closer,

and before you can even react,

Momo is standing right in front of you.

She looks down at you, her expression is hard to read, it's hard for you to tell what she's feeling.

The only thing you notice is that she has no weapon or armor.

She's not here as a knight from the other Kingdom, but simply as Momo.

Just Hirai Momo.

None of you dare to say anything, maybe that's what makes you different from Sana -

You're more afraid.

Because what you did with Momo was always whispering, talking at night, hiding.

She doesn't say anything, she just sits down next to you.

And you don't complain, no, of course not.

Because somehow this is something you've wanted for months.

You don't complain when Momo puts her head on your shoulder, but you put your head on hers.

You both look at the ground in front of you, the only sounds are your breathing, the chirping of birds and a light breeze that comes now and then.

And Momo's hand plays with the grass under her fingers, perhaps a sign of nervousness?

And when she starts humming softly, you don't mind, no, you just try to listen to her even more.

Even though the melody is unfamiliar to you, it is somehow so relaxing, unfamiliar and yet familiar at the same time.

And what's going on in your head that you're doing this, that you're daring to take her hand.

She doesn't pull her hand away, but intertwines your fingers.

And her cold hand is somehow so pleasant that you warm it with your warm hand and she cools you down with hers.

And this moment is more pleasant than you thought, if you only knew who exactly was watching.

Because the person is not happy, they don't know why they feel this way, but it hurts their heart.

Anger?

You yawn as you look around and slowly realize the situation you are in,

or rather, were.

You are still sitting on the grass, your back leaning against a stone as you look beside you,

Momo is gone.

Without a word of goodbye.

You get up, pick up your walking stick and walk back to the palace, it's quite late and you wonder how long you've been in the forest.

Before you can enter the palace, you run into Jihyo who quickly pulls you aside.

You give her a confused look before she starts talking,

"Sana's been looking for you all day," she says, and your body starts to hurt.

Why is she looking for you?

Does she know about Momo?

"I don't know what's going on, but she's in your room. Maybe you should go upstairs and talk to her," Jihyo says and you nod, thanking her for the warning.

The walk upstairs felt faster than usual, you take a breath and open the door, Sana is standing in front of the large window as you walk in.

You close the door behind you and walk slowly towards her, leaving a few feet of space.

"You shouldn't stand so long, sit down," she says, but it sounds more like an order.

You nod and sit down, she walks towards you.

"Where have you been?" she asks.

"In the forest."

"Why?"

Her question makes you think. You just wanted to get some fresh air, then you met Momo and just fell asleep.

"Just like that, why do you care?" you ask back and Sana laughs a little.

"You shouldn't spend time with people like that, especially not falling asleep next to them," she says, standing right in front of you.

She knows about it?

She has seen you and Momo?

Why is she telling you all this?

Thousands of questions pop into your head and you can already feel the headache, Sana interrupts your thoughts when she starts talking again,

"I know Momo, and believe me, she's not a good influence for you. She's dangerous, and you're not the first person she's had contact with like this. I only want the best for you," she says.

"What do you mean?" you ask, but she only confuses you more with her words.

She sits down across from you, her legs crossed, her back straight and her posture noble.

"You are not her first victim. No matter what you think is going to happen between you, it won't. She did something to my kingdom years ago that is still unforgivable," she replies.

"Just believe me, please. You know I only want the best for you."

Your hand clenches into a fist, how ironic that Sana out of all people would say such things.

"You only want the best for me? You left me, you said you couldn't be seen with me. You have no idea what's best for me," you reply, perhaps a little too aggressively.

But Sana doesn't seem to be offended, her expression is still neutral, but it looks like she's suppressing a smile when she starts talking again.

"Why is Momo so important to you that you get so defensive?" she asks.

She probably knew exactly what point she had hit.

Sana knows exactly how your emotions tick, she knows every single detail and could make you cry in just a second.

"I..." you start to speak, but nothing comes out.

"She attacked you, she's a knight of the other kingdom, she almost killed Jeongyeon. So I ask again, why is she so important to you?" she says, provoking you even more.

And as you think about it, you realize what a bad person Momo really is.

The many fights, the attack on Jeongyeon, the provocation, her aggression.

The way she made you cry?

Her tender lips on yours before she disappeared for months?

When she listened to you talk about your fears at the ball?

And her alleged attacks were never fatal, you start to notice while thinking about everything.

Jeongyeon - She hit her in a place that heals easily.

You - The scar on your face that didn't even touch your eye or neck.

Her sword that was in your thigh - it healed faster than you thought.

The way she always called for the others after hurting you, so you could get help right away.

Sana stands up, on her way out of your room, but before she can leave, you turn around and say something.

"Maybe Momo is a better person than you."

Sana turns and looks at you, a smile on her lips.

A smile?

"I see" she answers and closes the door behind her.

Why did she say that?

Why did she smile?

What is she up to?

It is dark, the wind is cold and yet so pleasant.

You find yourself in front of a large stone wall, one that protects the palace.

Or rather;

You are standing in front of Dahyun's kingdom.

Even though peace has been restored, you prefer to play it safe and take the more inconspicuous route.

You bite your lower lip as you climb up, your thigh tightening from the pain as you reach the other side.

And as you run up the stairs to Momo's room, you are stopped.

"Who are you?" asks a man, taller than you, a small sword in his hand - probably as a defense.

You remember your dream again, the one in which you also met this man.

You don't answer him, but attack him, the sword flies out of his hands and lands in yours.

And before he can react, you stab him.

And as if nothing had happened, you just keep walking.

Up the stairs, through her door and close it behind you.

You look around her room first, it looks similar to yours, maybe because you're both knights.

You want to turn around, but you bump into something.

Or rather,

against someone.

You gasp as you feel a knife at your neck.

And somehow it's just like in your dream again.

"Momo, it's me," you say as she pulls her knife away from your neck again and puts it away.

"Why are you here?" she asks as she sits down on her bed, leaving space for you as you sit down next to her.

"I honestly don't know..." you start to say,

"I talked to Sana," you can tell from Momo's reaction that something is wrong.

The look on her face confuses you. Why is she reacting like this? What's the story behind the two of them?

"Did she tell you not to talk to me anymore? That I'm a bad influence?" Momo asks, you nod slowly, hoping she'll finally explain why Sana has been acting like this.

"I wasn't always part of Dahyun's kingdom Y/n," she says, and you're only more confused.

"Before Sana was in charge of her kingdom, it was Mina. Younger than Sana and I, but part of the royal family, which is why she came to power when her parents passed away." the more she talks, the more confused you get.

"We were pretty close friends, the three of us, I served Mina's kingdom," Momo stops talking for a moment, taking a breath as she looks down at her hands.

"It got to the point where Mina kissed me, and I kissed her back. We acted like two little teenagers in love, but then..." You see her thinking about how to phrase her next words, she lets out a little laugh.

"Our kingdom was attacked and I defended Mina and Sana. Mina wanted to stay with me the whole time because she was worried about me. When it came to an attack...

she stood in front of me because I didn't see it coming, right infront of me and Sana.

I wanted to help her, but in the end it was too late.

Sana still hasn't forgiven me for it, it seems. She got everyone to turn on me, and I fled because it's supposedly all my fault." Momo says and stops talking, you look at her, and now somehow you understand everything.

"But it's not your fault" you whisper, it shouldn't even come out as a whisper, but somehow it just doesn't come out any louder.

Momo looks at you, a slight smile on her lips - which quickly disappears,

"But maybe you need to listen to Sana, even if I hate to say it.

I don't want anything bad to happen to you," she says.

Couldn't she have just said "Don't listen to Sana"?

"Wouldn't it be funny if this was the last time we talked to eachother in peace?" Momo asks.

You look at her and somehow wish she hadn't said that, because it makes you somehow scared.

But you choose to ignore it.

You choose to focus on the present, on what's happening now and not years later.

You take a deep breath and take her hand in yours.

Her hand is cold, again, - yours is warm.

She looks at you as you answer;

"You're both idiots"

Momo looks at you, confused.

You close the distance between the two of you, her soft lips on yours as she dares not move.

This time it's different.

It's not a stupid dream you're having because you're confused about your feelings for Momo.

It's all more real.

And you want it, so, so much.

But before you can pull away, Momo starts kissing you back.

And her lips feel so soft, it feels like a new sensation that drives you crazy.

As you two continue kissing, Momo pushes her tongue into your mouth and you let out a soft whimper at the feeling of her exploring your mouth.

She pushes you into her matress as she gets on top of you, leaving your lips as she places wet kisses on your jaw, trailing down to your neck and leaving hickeys by biting, sucking and nibbling on your skin.

Your hands grip the bedsheets, head leaning back deeper into the pillow because of the pleasure, toes curling into the bed as Momo parts your legs with her free hand, slowly and lightly rubbing circles over the pants you have on.

"Fuck Momo-" you let out, opening your eyes to make eye contact with her.

Her hands toy with the hem of your shirt, looking at you with a smile that seems more like a nasty smirk.

"Can I take this off?" she asks, and you're close to just rip off your shirt yourself, because Momo knows damn well how much you want this.

"Don't ask stupid questions.." you answer, and your t-shirt is being pulled off faster than you thought.

And Momo's eyes sparkle a little when she sees that you haven't thought about wearing a bra, being topless right infront of her.

She leans down, trailing her kisses down from your collarbone to your chest - kissing inbetween your breasts before taking one of your hardened buds into her mouth, her hand playing with the other one.

You throw your head back again, back arching, wanting to get somehow even closer to her touch.

After licking, biting and lightly sucking, she continues kissing down your body, stopping right infront of your pants.

She thinks quicker than you - catching your hands before you could, somehow, make her touch you where you really need it faster.

She looks up to you, that nasty smirk fully on her lips, and oh god what you would do to wipe it off her face so she stops feeling so confident.

"You're so impatient baby, how long did you wait for this?" she asks teasingly, her voice husky, making that one damp spot on your underwear even wetter.

"Too long-" you whimper, maybe it would be embarrassing to admit this, and it is probably very embarrassing - but in this moment, you couldn't care less.

Your body is hot, sweaty, and your mind clouded by the thought of Momo finally touching you like you desire.

Mind full of wanting to submit to her, your body trusting her completly to being in charge.

She interrupts your thinking when you see her having a piece of black cloth in her hands, her look on her face not that teasing, rather like she is asking you if she can do what she wants to do.

A simple question, no strings attached.

You nod.

She smiles, sitting upright as she takes your arms, placing them behind your back as she ties your wrists together, not too tight, but definetly so tight that you cant simply take them off.

She plays with the strings of your pants, clearly teasing you, again.

"How bad do you want this?" she asks, leaning on top of you as she whispers into your ear, her breath hot and her voice sensual.

You feel shivers running down your spine as she speaks, thinking of an answer that will leave her satisfied enough to touch you.

"So bad that its embarrassing to say, so bad that i would say it infront of the whole kingdom so they can hear it." you answer, and your breath hitches when Momo brushes her finger against the damp spot, pressing right against your heat, telling by her face, she's visibly satisfied by your answer.

"Can't leave you hanging, right?" she says, fingers hooking onto your pants as she pulls them off along with your underwear, throwing it on your shirt.

She lowers herself so her face is right infront of your core, her slow breaths tickling you in a way that makes your hips buck.

She comes closer, leaving kitten licks on your clit as you moan, head leaning back into the pillow as you bite your bottom lip.

Your hands try to move as you realize that they are tied together, wrists rubbing against eachother as your body tries to feel Momo even more.

"Please.. don't tease-" you moan out, earning a chuckle from her.

"Okay okay.." she answers, her tongue suddenly moving faster as she enters your hole, making you let out a louder moan.

You turn your head as you moan into the pillow your head is laying on, back arching even more when she speeds up.

"Momo.." you pant, moans leaving your mouth while you try to speak.

"I'm close-" you say, feeling her smirk as she, somehow, goes even faster, even deeper.

Your thighs close around her head, forcing her to spread them open again with her hands as you cum into her mouth, a loud moan ripping from your mouth as your juices flow out.

Momo pulls back, watching you breathe heavily as you try to come down from your high, brushing your hair out of your face and tucking it behind your ear.

Maybe this is her favorite sight.

Seeing you like this.

Hands tied behind your back, cheeks flushed, neck full of hickeys, back slightly arched, eyes closed and your brows furrowed.

She doesn't get to stare long though - you open your eyes and look at her.

"Admiring me?" you say and laugh a little.

"Maybe" she answers, fingers drawing circles on your thigh.

A silent request, an invitation.

Her motives are clear as a sky without clouds.

And again, you nod, letting her take control over this situation, - letting her take control over you.

She smiles, fingers inching closer to your heat.

And when you feel her fingers brush over your clit, your mouth drops open, hips bucking into her touch, wanting more.

She pulls her fingers away, a string of wetness on them.

Her fingers slide down, through your folds as she slowly puts a finger in, your hands gripping the cloth that is restricting your hands.

You let out a moan and bite down on your lip.

And when Momo slowly starts to move, she realizes the way you're so tight.

"First time?" she asks, and you embarrassingly nod, cheeks turning into a crimson color.

She smiles, hand trailing up your body, leaning forward as she kisses your neck softly.

"I got you" she whispers, kissing along your neck and collarbone, adding another finger into you slowly.

"Fuck Momo-" you moan, your mind going crazy over the new sensation of Momo's long, thick, fingers inside of you, body slightly grinding onto her to feel her even more.

And she starts to thrust into you, some slow, experimental thrusts to see how you would feel.

Your moans get louder, and all your thoughts disappearing as your mind gets clouded by the way you feel Momo everywhere.

Her mouth lands on your breasts, kissing them as she drags a tongue over your nipple, making your back arch off the bed and closer to her.

"Are you close?" she asks, smiling against your chest as she curls her fingers into that spot that makes you moan even louder.

You nod, lip trapped between your teeth, head thrown back.

She grins against your chest, her fingers moving even faster, scissoring and curling into the spots that make you crazy.

"Momo-" you yell out, toes curling into the matress, gripping the cloth that is tied around your wrists, body twitching while cumming.

She slowly stops moving her fingers, helping you ride out your high.

She pulls her fingers out, slowly licking them clean.

You try to calm down, panting with your eyes closed.

Momo pulls off the cloth from your hands, and when you open your eyes you can see the little red marks it left.

She smiles at you, taking your hand in hers.

"How about we take a bath?" she asks with a smirk.

That nasty smirk again, the one that makes you want to wipe it off her face.

The one you slowly start to adore.

"Sounds good" you answer.

War.

War is like a plague, a disease.

Something that can always come back for some reason.

Once you have it, it will never leave you.

Peace, however, is something you can only dream of.

The complete opposite of war.

And while the kingdoms enjoyed the supposed peace, war came right after.

Unprepared, without any signs, without any official announcement.

It was only days after you slept with Momo.

Days after you last spoke to Sana.

Jihyo stands beside you as Tzuyu gives a speech to the residents, your armor donned.

"Are you sure you're really ready to fight yet?" she whispers to you.

You look to her briefly, and nod.

You look next to you and look at Momo.

"We'll do everything we can to keep the peace!" says Tzuyu.

"Our kingdoms will work together for your safety." says Dahyun, standing next to Tzuyu.

Momo has a slight smile on her lips, and it makes you show yours too.

Maybe you really are like childish teenagers who are in love, but in this moment - and in all other moments, really - you don't care.

Because you both have each other, and that's the most important thing.

You can be happy together.

Even with war.

You are split into groups, Jihyo, Jeongyeon, Momo and you, while the other knights are in another small group protecting a different part of the kingdom.

You run through the forest in two lines,

Jihyo and Jeongyeon are behind you,

Momo and you lead the way, all four of you with swords in hand, making sure no one can attack you.

It's darker now, which means you have to concentrate so that you can see everything clearly.

You walk past the part of the forest you've been to too often.

A part where you have probably made the most memories.

And somehow every one of them has something to do with Momo.

Momo notices you looking there and touches you with her arm so that you look at her, she smiles at you.

A simple sign that she knows what you're thinking about.

You hear a strange noise behind you, but before you can turn around you feel a blow to your head and fall to the ground.

The last thing you see are people standing in front of you and pulling a cloth bag over everyone's head so that you can't see anything.

The last thing you feel is thick ropes being tied around your arm.

And suddenly, you feel nothing as everything goes black.

As you slowly begin to regain consciousness, you realize that you are still tied up, your vision still blocked by the cloth bag.

You try to hear something and realize that you are in a carriage, or rather a horse-drawn carriage as you can tell by the clattering of hooves.

The cart comes to an abrupt stop as you hear something being opened, probably to get you out, but suddenly, you hear a whisper next to you -

"I'll find you in every universe."

You can tell by the voice that it's Momo, and how much you want to answer, Momo is pulled away and someone grabs you to get you out of the car.

You run to where you are being led and somehow you are scared, of course you should be scared, but that uneasy feeling in your stomach makes it all worse.

You are pushed to the ground, onto your knees.

The cloth bag is pulled off your head, and as you look around, you are shocked.

You see many knights, from their armor you can tell they are not from Tzuyu's or Dahyun's kingdom.

You see Sana.

Sana?

Her clothes dark, her expression cold as she watches all the other knights being forced to their knees just like you.

You look beside you, and a few meters away you see her.

Momo.

She looks you in the eye, her smile no longer on her lips, but, for the first time, her look is different.

She is afraid.

Next to you are Jihyo and Jeongyeon, somewhere further you see knights like Nayeon and Chaeyoung.

You look at Sana again, and as everyone looks at her, she starts talking.

"I'm glad to be here," she says with a wicked grin, one that gives you goosebumps.

She takes the sword from a knight and looks at it, then smiles.

"I don't really like doing the dirty work," she says.

"But as queen, sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands"

She looks around, her eyes landing on you.

"Oh Y/n, long time no see right?" she asks, kneeling down in front of you, sword in her hand.

She reaches behind your head, your hair between her fingers as she pulls your head back.

You grit your teeth.

Momo, further away, tries to get free, somehow, to help you, but it's impossible.

"Oh Y/n.. Our friendship is great, isn't it? Or maybe we have more?" she asks teasingly.

"We don't have anything." you reply, and she laughs.

She laughs and lets go of your hair to stand up.

"Because Momo is better than me, right? Right?" she asks, pacing back and forth a few steps.

You don't answer, but only feel more uncomfortable and wonder what exactly Sana is up to here.

"If you look around you'll see that we're somewhere in the middle of nowhere. A perfect place for corpses" she announces and everyone looks at her in confusion, looks full of fear.

"But don't be afraid... You don't have to do anything except watch..." she says, but suddenly she adds something that makes your blood freeze -

"Unless your name is Hirai Momo, then you're the star of the show!" she finishes, and everyone is even more shocked, Momo's eyes wide open as Sana points her sword at her.

"Sana! You can't do this," you say.

A pathetic attempt to somehow save Momo, to somehow stop Sana from doing what she's about to do.

Sana approaches Momo and stands right in front of her.

"Sana please!" you call out, she looks at you.

"Please..." you feel your eyes getting watery, "it's not Momo's fault that Mina is dead, you know that!"

Sana listens to you, lets you finish, and you feel like she's really letting up.

"You don't have to do this. Please. You're not a better person if you kill Momo. It won't bring Mina back!" you say, tears streaming down your eyes.

Sana nods.

Sana nods?

"I think you're right, Y/n..." she says, lowering the sword.

Only to raise it again.

"I make my own decisions, though." she says.

Momo looks at you,

and suddenly her face is covered in blood.

Sana's sword is suddenly stuck in her head before she pulls it out.

You've seen brutal things, of course, you're a knight -

But seeing Momo,

Momo being killed in front of you.

"Momo!" you scream.

Your eyes are full of tears and you somehow try to untie these filthy ropes.

Because somehow you think you still have a chance to save her.

Momo looks at you.

"Y/n.. I'll... I'll find you..."

She topples over, onto the dirty ground, onto the grass.

"Momo..." you say again, hoping that this isn't real.

It's just a bad dream, isn't it?

Or is it?

Jihyo looks at you, tears in her eyes and in everyone else's, but you're only focused on Momo.

She doesn't move, just lies there.

Not a single breath, no stupid grin, nothing.

"Why not in this one?" you ask.

"Why couldn't you just find me in this universe?" you ask.

And to hear you like that, you'd think you were talking to someone.

But no one is standing in front of you, or next to you.

You are alone.

'Hirai Momo, a fighter, a person full of love' is written on the gravestone.

And it doesn't feel real.

And a part of your body still hopes it's not real.

You kneel down, run your hand slowly over the engraved writing.

"Why?" you ask into the silence.

And inside, you think to yourself that someone is behind you, answering your question.

In your mind, Momo is standing behind you and says that she survived.

"I will never forget you," you say.

A promise.

One that you will never break.

One that you will always remember.

You will remember how beautiful she was, how she made you feel.

You will remember her smile, and you will always love her.

"I'll never love anyone like that again" you say to yourself, maybe you say it to her, in another universe she is listening to you.

In your heart, Momo is not a knight of the other kingdom,

Or a bad person,

But simply Hirai Momo.

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kaleldobrev · 5 months

Text

Knew You Would Come Around

Pairing: Michael!Dean x Fem!Reader | Dean Winchester x Fem!Reader

Summary: Michael's happy you've finally come around

Word Count: 1.5k

Warnings: Nudity (but no smut), Y/N is the best actress ever, Michael being absolutely delusional, Sad!Reader

Authors Note: Set in the same universe as Once Mine | Please read Once Mine before reading this one | Some non-con elements but nothing graphic (very G Rated in description) | Y/N deserves an Oscar for her performance | Y/N misses Dean :( | If you liked this, don’t forget to like & reblog. I really appreciate it! Feedback is always welcome ♡

It’s been weeks since you’ve been trapped in this penthouse, weeks without any kind of contact from the outside world besides room service, the occasional monster that Michael had invited in, and Michael himself. Michael, the archangel who was currently using the love of your life as his meat suit. The same man who refused to believe that you weren’t this other version of you. There was a part of him though, although you couldn’t quite pinpoint it, that may have been slightly delusional due to the grief that he had faced when his world version of you was killed. A version of you that he loved more than anyone or anything. A version of you that he absolutely refused to let go of.

You tried for weeks resisting him. Resisting any ounce of change that he had tried to make. He wanted you to be the version of you that he had fallen in love with, not who you truly were. Dean loved this version of you, but Michael didn’t. And in order to survive, you played along. Played along with his delusions of you being his one true love. Pretending to actually care when he talked about certain subjects. Pretending to enjoy when he would kiss you. Pretending to enjoy him holding you in the middle of the night while lying in bed together. This was the only way, you had thought to yourself.

Your mind was racing as you watched television, as there was really nothing for you to do while Michael was away. There was relief whenever he had left for the day, but at the same time, you had found yourself sometimes feeling a strange sense of loss whenever he did leave; and you weren’t quite sure why. This man had taken over Dean, the one man you had loved more than anyone or anything — your soulmate, and Michael ripped him away from you, and you despised him for it.

But the more you thought about it, the more your mind had started to wander. Maybe you had found it relatively easy to pretend because it was technically still Dean on the surface? Maybe that strange sense of loss that you felt when Michael had left is because it felt like Dean was being ripped away from you all over again? Then again, maybe you were just starting to become delusional like Michael.

When the door opened, you were instantly snapped out of your thoughts. Show time, you thought. “Hey Mike, how was your day?” You asked him, trying to give him that sing-song like tone he had preferred compared to your actual voice.

“Rough, but making progress,” he stated, closing the door behind him. You turned around from your position on the couch to look over at him, where he was currently hanging up his 1920s style jacket on the coatrack. Progress? What type of progress? You wanted to ask. But you knew better than to ask.

"Well, that's wonderful that you're making progress," you said, getting up from your spot on the couch to stand in front of him. "But, I'm sorry you had a rough day," you continued, as you started to untie his tie, making sure you kept the right amount of eye contact.

"Thankful I'm finally home with my girl," he stated, giving you a slight smile as he watched you carefully removing his tie from around his neck. You almost stopped removing his tie, as the nickname he had just given you had thrown you off, as My Girl was one of Dean's go-to nicknames for you.

Forcing a smile, you finished removing his tie. "Happy to have you home," you lied. His hand moved to cup your cheek, admiring the delicate features of your face. Despite you not being his original Y/N, you were good enough for him in moments like these, moments where he needed comfort.

"I'm going to take a shower," he said, before leaning in and kissing the top of your head. Strangely, you felt yourself slightly melt into the kiss, as it was a feeling that you had missed. Top of the head kisses and forehead kisses were ones that you had cherished the most from Dean. Despite it not actually being from him, you pretended it was; and pretending helped.

You found yourself on the couch again, watching some cooking show on FoodNetwork, mentally writing down recipes that you knew Dean would have liked. Recipes you’d probably never get the chance to make for him “Y/N!” Michael called; his voice making any previous thoughts you had disappear.

“Yes Mike?” You yelled back, muting the television as you did so.

“Come join me,” he said. His voice wasn’t demanding in nature, but you knew he wasn’t giving you a choice in the matter.

You took a deep breath before answering. “Be right there!” You replied back.

Walking into the bathroom, the glass shower was steamed up just enough that Michael's figure almost looked like he was some kind of blur, almost dream sequence like. And for a brief moment, you felt some sort of bliss; as if you were in fact in a dream, a dream where you had walked in on Dean in the shower — something that you had done so many times before. But that brief moment of bliss was fanned out the second the Archangel spoke. "Come on in Sweetheart," he said, opening up the glass door for you. Sweetheart, yet another nickname that you had once loved now made your skin crawl.

Removing your clothes quickly, they fell onto the floor into a pool of fabric. Taking a deep breath, you walked into the shower and closed the door behind you. Upon entering, Michael's back was facing you, his face toward the showerhead. You found your fingers reaching toward his back, wanting to trace little circles — something that you were so used to doing to Dean when you were either in the shower or lying in bed.

But as you were half-way to his back, he started to turn, and you retracted your fingers; looking up at him almost with a sorrowful look on your face. "Glad you could join me," he said, giving you a small smile. You tried your best to give a similar smile back, but you found it hard to, and you knew he could sense the struggle. "Turn around, I'll get your back," he said, trying to break the uneasiness between the two of you.

"Okay," you replied, slightly nodding. Turning around, you felt more vulnerable than ever, hating this current feeling. You felt your eyes close in anticipation at the touch of him. A moment later, you felt a washcloth start running along your spine, just stopping above your ass before it came back up and went from your left to your right shoulder blade.

"You're very tense," he whispered in your ear. He kissed your temple, and again, you found yourself slightly melting into it, again finding yourself reminiscing about all the times Dean had kissed your temple in order to comfort you. "Want me to help you?" He asked. "I know you like massages."

"But you're the one that's had the rough day, not me," you said, your voice sounding a little timid. But he seemed to ignore your comments; placing the washcloth on the small built-in shelf before he started using his thumbs to make circles on your back.

You wanted to resist the nice feeling, but you couldn't. It felt nice having his hands rubbing your back, finding those exact pressure points that Dean knew all too well. “I know this has been difficult for you,” Michael said after a few moments of silence between the two of you; leaning down and kissing your shoulder. Understatement, you thought. “But you’ve been really receptive of me lately,” he said, almost as if he was giving you a pat on the back. “Which is very much appreciated. I’m glad you can finally see things my way.” Again, he kissed your shoulder, but this time you felt your body slightly shudder at his touch, hoping that he didn't notice this reaction.

“Of course,” you began, “like you said, this is very much a win-win for the both of us,” you said, forcing a slight smile on your lips. You turned around to face him, and you cupped his cheek, slightly rubbing it with your thumb. God I miss you, you thought. The feeling of the stubble on your fingertips making you strangely sentimental.

“I love you,” Michael admitted, and you felt as if your heart was about to stop. You weren’t in love with him, there was no chance you could ever be; not after everything he had done. He was simply a monster disguised as your soulmate and nothing more. But you had to keep up the pretending, keep on acting in order to survive.

“I love you too,” you said, and you felt like you had wanted to throw up.

“Told you you’d come around,” he almost whispered, a small smirk on his lips. A moment later he leaned in, crashing his lips into yours.

Tag List: @roseblue373 @beansproutmafia @queenie32 @deanwanddamons @missy420-0 @octoberclidan @kidwhofixates @crystal555 @hannahisthebanana @seamlessepiphany @madzzz0797 @livingordeadwhoknows @writinginfear @Roskar16 @syrma-sensei @k-slla @justletmereadfanfic @deans-daydream @midorimachisenpaii @rachiem4-blog @jackles010378 @mrsjenniferwinchester @globetrotter28 @deans-spinster-witch @mrlonelycat @frozenhuntress67 @coldspoons If you'd like to be added to a tag list please follow this link

#dean winchester x reader #dean winchester x you #spn #supernatural #spn one shot #supernatural imagine #spn imagine #supernatural one shot #Michael!Dean x you #Michael!Dean x reader #dean x you #dean x reader #reader insert #female reader

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she-who-seek-happiness · 1 month

Text

For those who have ADHD and/or autism.

I wanna to do a test to see if I'm autistic, have ADHD, both or neither. For some reason I'm terrified of knowing the truth. Sorry if I sound offensive at some point, I'm just writing about myself and don't mean to be mean at any point.

ADHD, the name changed right? Gonna use this one because I'm writing this quickly. If I have ok, that'd explain why I'm so forgetful and nothing catches my attention unless I'm interested in the topic. And why is so hard to focus. And why I never finish my projects. But I'm not hyper active. I'm a pretty calm person, I can't reall5sit and focus for too long, but give me a hair elastic thing and I'll play with it for hours while listening to you. And I'll be able to actually listen.

Don't ask me to look in your eyes tho, I will. But only for 5 minutes if you are lucky.

My mom a lot for times aska me for things and I completely forget about them, things that are important and I feel bad for forgetting.

But all of this could simply be me and no ADHD. I don't know.

Autism

Frankly I don't think I have autism. But the reports are just so relatable it scares me a bit. I was bullied a lot during my childhood. I remember in the first grade, I tried hard to make friends but I never was able to. To this day I don't know why. Why people didn't like me? I have a timeline of events in my head of my entire life, things that happened when I was 2 y.o. but I don't have details. I don't remember if i did something or not to be not liked. The first school that my parents put me in I was there for a year. In this whole year I didn't make a single friend. I remember I asked my parents for help to do a lost of people who were and weren't my friends simply to try to uncover the reason for that. Is this a sign of autism? Idk. Maybe I'm just out of the norm, but not autistic. Doesn't seem like autism. Autism is something that affects your day to day, every day life. I'm not sure if I have signs everyday.

I have trouble socializing. I have trouble making friends. I have trouble maintaining friendship. But I can understand sarcasm, jokes and I'm able to tell when people are sad or uncomfortable. so there's goes signs that the internet sites gave me. Sometimes I do have troubles talking and truly understanding what my parents say. Not because they are complex, but because I don't get it. There are easier ways to do things and they won't for some alien reason.

I have trouble understanding relationships, in the sense what it means to be in, part of or the different aspects of relationship. People expect things. Sometimes it feels like mathematical equations on which I have to be constant aware of. I gave to do this to get to that. A lot of times I feel like I'm manipulating the few relationships that I have big I can't see another way.

Don't you dare change my routine. I'll be messed up and although not cry, I'll be very close to. Unless the change is "we are not going outside of the house anymore", sudden things messes my little planned time. At the same time I can't really organize myself very well.

I do have some subjects on which I'm very passionate about. But I'm no genius on them and although I'd love to, I can't keep going on them for hours and hours because, as said before I can't communicate very well. My social skills are terrible, I don't know what to say most of the time but I feel like I should.

I don't think I have autism. I don't think I have ADHD. I think I'm only different from other people but can't put my finger exactly on what exactly. I don't feel like I really fall into the spectrum because I lack the usual signs. But I don't know how much of this is stereotyping both those conditions.

#autism #adhd #questions #help?????

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hyypnotix-writes · 7 months

Note

would you be willing to give a lil blurb/teaser of what you have written? no worries if not

oo!

I'll give you a sizeable little chunk and we can see what the reaction is to that.. 😬

this is definitely subject to change - I've lost count of how many times I've rewritten things!

..Em drags you through the large flock of fans, trying to make sure that you don’t get separated from each other on your way into the stadium, and you keep offering up apologies on her behalf, as she carelessly mows people down for you. She is quite the woman on a mission.

You opt to keep your head down, a little embarrassed by your sister’s rudeness, but even as you make an effort to avoid making eye contact with all of the disgruntled supporters that she keeps barging through, there is one thing that you do struggle to avoid seeing, with some of the Barcelona fans.

An overwhelmingly impressive amount of them, also have ‘ALEXIA’ on their shirts.

This doesn’t come as a complete shock to you. She is the best player on the team, after all. There is something about seeing her name plastered over quite so many strangers’ backs, however, that has sent your heart racing.

This turnout of people is undoubtedly nothing compared to the millions of followers that you found out she has on Instagram yesterday, but it’s a very different feeling, seeing her fame condensed into a little figure on social media, than it is, to actually seeing so many of them in person. It’s much harder for you to ignore the countless amount of admirers that she has, when you keep physically bumping into all of them.

“Are you good?” Em asks, as you find yourself frozen in the crowd, staring at the back of another person’s shirt.

“Hm? Yeah, sorry.” You mutter, giving your head a shake, before letting yourself get dragged along again. “She’s very ..popular.”

“Putellas?” She checks, and you can only nod back at her, still a little dumbfounded by it all. “Well, yeah. Obviously!” She snickers. “Come on!”

Maybe it’s pride that you’re feeling. Knowing you’ve been spending a bit of time with someone so well-liked. That’s very nice for you, that’s entirely enjoyable and fun. It doesn’t need to be anything other than that. What good would that do for you?

Perhaps there's a slight nervous tension in your stomach, at seeing her name absolutely everywhere. That’s probably understandable and fine. You knew she was famous, but that’s still a little confounding to actually play witness to. No one’s going to hold that against you, it’s okay to be a little overwhelmed by it all.

It’s a new reality for you. It makes sense that that would be accompanied with a new feeling too. Anxiety isn’t something that’s really presented itself to you when thinking of Alexia before now. Of course it isn't, why would it have been?

Picturing little scenarios with her in your mind was fun, it was silly. It didn’t really mean anything when you were never going to find her again. You didn’t need to go putting doubts about yourself in imaginary-Alexia’s head, that wouldn’t keep things very fun and silly at all.

There are a few doubts about yourself in your own head now, perhaps. Seeing as you have found her again, you’re falling for her, and she’s clearly not the little nobody that you thought you’d entangled yourself with, but that’s probably fine. It’ll be a temporary thing. Let’s not worry about it right this second. Let’s just enjoy the game instead!

It probably isn’t wise for you to start stewing on things. You really will start spiralling.

How could you not?

If you start letting yourself think too hard about all the things that you were lacking, and what you simply couldn’t offer to keep a pathetic pig of a man satisfied, and you really start allowing yourself to question why you weren’t good enough for him, that isn’t going to put you in a very good mindset when seeing all these fans that Alexia has.

Her supporters aren’t limited to just little kids or grown men. There’s a lot of women here, also sporting her name. It isn’t necessarily the case that all of these women are gay, that’s not really how watching women’s football works. She can have straight women being her fans too.

Some of them are probably gay, though, aren’t they? Lots of the ones that are gay, with her name on them, might have a little crush on her. It’s very likely that absolutely none of them will have had to do research all day to make sure that they knew what was going on this evening. All of them will have already known everything. They’ll be genuinely into football, genuine fans of Alexia.

Gorgeous, confidently gay, and really into football. Those are the women that surround you right now. That’s fine. What’s wrong with that?

Why are you letting yourself worry? Why are you letting them get to you? Because they make more sense for her? Because they’re better for her? Because you’re not a fan of football?

Alexia already knows that she didn’t walk out on you because of it.

She did giggle a few times at your idiocy, though, didn’t she? She probably did think you were a little foolish. She would presumably think it was a bit lame of you, to have spent quite so much time studying for a football match. Who else has ever had to do that? You really probably are the only one. That is a bit embarrassing. Quite pathetic of you.

Damn.

What a loser, you are.

Shit.

Maybe you should let it get to you. Maybe you’ve let yourself get carried away. Maybe you’re having a psychotic break. You’re letting yourself fall for a woman. A Spanish woman. A famous Spanish woman. A famous Spanish woman who plays football professionally, for crying out loud! Look at all these beautiful lesbian fans that she has here. What the hell are you playing at?

You? A little nobody from London, who couldn’t even keep an ugly bastard of a man happy? If you weren’t even able to manage to do that, how could you possibly hope to be good enough, for two-time Ballon d’Or recipient, current Champions League and World Cup winner, Barcelona’s sweetheart, Alexia Putellas?

That doesn’t seem very likely at all, does it? You being the soulmate of this ethereal goddess of a woman? Behave yourself. You really are delusional.

Maybe that’s why she wanted you here, to laugh at you. Point and laugh at you with all of her football friends.

Just go home now. Pretend that you’re ill. You do look a little ill. You’ve let yourself spiral, haven’t you? I did warn you about doing that. Now look at the state of you. This is very tragic.

“Mate, what are you doing?” Em asks, as you once again find yourself paralysed, staring at yet another stranger’s shirt.

“I just ..I don’t feel well.” You mumble.

“Noo. Please don’t do that!” She begs, all too aware of what your next statement is going to be..

#woso x reader #alexia putellas x reader

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twig-tea · 3 months

Note

Lately I’ve been feeling like Thai bl is truly all over the place with so many shows airing at once and some of the best ones flying under the radar while discourse is focused on a couple of the big messy ones. I think you’re the only person I know who is actually watching ALL of them and has been here for the whole evolution of the genre, so I’m curious what stands out to you about this current moment. Do the shows feel different to you? Is the way fandom is interacting with them changing? And what are your current favs?

I ended up writing a thesis, sorry friend lol To be fair to me there are 3 questions in there, all of them meaty! I've done my best to give a sense of where I'm at with Thai BL and how it feels like it's changed over time.

Caveating all of this: I am just one fan who I'm sure has had specific experiences that will colour my opinion, also a lot of this is just vibes so I'm open to being told I've forgotten something major or misremembered what it was like! If you are reading this and your opinion or experience is different please share, with stuff like this I'm always interested in hearing about differing opinions because the fandom experience will depend at least partly on where you hang out. For years, my main fandom space for BL was the YouTube comments section (RIP me).

Overall feel

Honestly, things overall don't feel all that different to me in Thai BL in particular, even though I'm about to talk about a lot of changes and ways it actuallyd does feel very different below lol And after reflecting about it, I think it's because these things still feel very much in flux, in a way that they've felt in flux this entire time. Producers are still figuring out the best funding and distribution models and merch models to make money; creators are still calibrating how queer these shows can be and still be popular; actors are still figuring out how to do BGP (business gay performances) without having fans interfere in their private lives off the clock. Writers are still trying to figure out how to write 12-episode arcs that don't drag in the middle or fumble the ending (which is also not new). The tension between established ships, fan expectations, and genre requirements has honestly been there almost the whole time, though the reverberations of missteps is louder now because of the larger fanbase that is (comparatively) more plugged in to live viewing. The core question in BL has always been 'how do we make this marketable', and that unsurprisingly hasn't changed, though the answer to that question has over time, if that makes sense?

Shows

Do the shows feel different? As a whole, I'd say yes. The biggest differences are of course total quantity and overall quality, but the actual distribution of % of shows that have high(er) production values (i.e. quality) feels close to the same--it was close to 50/50 in the late 2010s and now is maybe more like 40/60 with a higher percentage coming from more smaller production companies. But the numbers we're talking about are something like 15 shows in e.g. 2018 and something more like 50 shows in 2023 (being vague because there are shows that people could argue over whether they should count). The quality overall has increased, even the pulps look better, sound better, and tend to feel a little bit more put together than the pulps of even 2020 (please note that these are all relative qualifiers, most of these shows are still not objectively good). 2020 in particular was a watershed moment for high production value BLs; we get colorists and special effects artists, and sometimes decent sound production now!

There has also been an improvement in terms of what is depicted and how certain subject matter is treated very generally, though I think that's still in flux. Things like evil ex girlfriends are less common than they were and the women in BL are more likely (in general, still not always) to be treated as realized characters. We've gotten more and better femme representation in ensemble shows, and the "gay for you" trope is much less common. Consent is now considered sexy and is much more common than it was; non-consent as "sexy" has eroded and is much less common. Things that used to happen in almost every BL now happen in a much lower percentage. I also feel a little bit less worried about some of the actors on pulp sets because there is more general scrutiny about things like minor actors, intimacy coordination, BGP (business gay performance) expectations, and sexual exploitation. Overall, show recommendations these days come with fewer caveats.

The assumption that if you worked with someone on a BL once you would stay with them as an established pairing was surprisingly early in BL; I don't know if it's just because there were a few shows that had side pairings then get main shows, so the actors did work together on a few shows in a row, which made them feel established, or whether it's because the BGP started early to build hype both before and after shows aired, or whether audiences just made homophobic assumptions about how if two actors had chemistry they had to be gay for each other, and otherwise nobody would want to "play gay" more than once, or would want to have to kiss too many other men....in any case, there were huge scandals and blow-ups around this in BL on even the earliest shows, and some early shows were snubbed because of the pairing alone. Similarly, it was established very early in BL (i.e. 2016-17) that an unhappy ending for a pair would result in your show being panned; cheating was also a guaranteed flop in BL circles (though some ensemble shows that had gay relationships in them such as Friend Zone did fine with cheating plots and unhappy endings). Overall it feels like some things were only depicted in early Thai BL and creators have avoided them since due to the audience reception at the time. I will say, generally, that there have now been enough examples of people in a "branded pair" moving on to a new pair or multiple shows, that it feels less like a death knell to a BL career if one of the actors says they no longer wanted to make BLs, or if they switched companies.

I pay a lot of attention to queerness in BL, and that has changed a little bit too, though not in the way I expected. I had been expecting a more clear and steady trajectory in BL, but we've instead had real swings, and I've realized there will just always be shows that feel more or less actually gay or queer than others, and that's ok. Early Thai shows really spoiled us for good queer content, GayOK Bangkok and Diary of Tootsies are still shows by which i measure what we get now, and both of those are from 2016. I would say that more "mainstream" BL (i.e. by one of the major production companies) hit what turned out to be queer saturation around 2020 and that's where I was most surprised not see a more clear trajectory; rather than things getting more queer from there, I'd say a greater percentage of shows overall feel more queer, but we haven't (and I now suspect won't) reach the queerness we had in Thai tv in 2016. That being said, my secret running list of things I want to see in BL gets shorter every year as entries get crossed off, so I would say the range of queer experience is slowly getting captured as more content continues to be made by a wider range of production houses (PrEP being mentioned in a mainstream show is my white whale).

I know some people assume that shows are higher heat now overall, but I don't think that's true. I do think Thai television producers and directors have overalll gotten better at capturing sensuality, and acting workshops have improved chemistry-building overall too. But from what I can tell the ratio of high head and low heat content is still pretty similar to what it's always been, maybe slightly higher (e.g. at a quick glance I'd guesstimate 30% of shows had a sex scene in 2018 vs 40% in 2023).

Fandom

The main differences in fandom from the really early days and now are the ways we, as international fans, are able to engage with each other, with thai audiences at the same time, and with content creators, and the entitlement that comes with that. In the 2010s we were almost always watching after Thai airing, with either fansubs or, later, official subs, trailing online releases by days or weeks, which themselves may have trailed the Thailand airing date by days or weeks or sometimes even months. That became less true around 2019ish, and especially in 2020 when I think Thai producers were desperate to reach audiences during the start of the pandemic (and when audiences were desperate for something to distract us from what was happening in real life).

As a fan in the mid-late 2010s, watching something was either unofficial via a fansubber, or you were wading through hundreds of Thai comments to find anyone else writing about the shows in English. Now, it's actually rare we don't have immediate international distribution, though it may be paid. If the subs are not up at the same time as the official upload, even on free sites, fans get furious. It's a bit surreal to see people complain about waiting a few hours for subtitles, especially on YouTube, when we sometimes waited months for a series to finish being subbed (not to say people didn't complain back then too, because they sure did! But there were fewer international fans overall, and it wasn't an expectation that there would be subs, so fewer people complained when it happened). This meant that a lot of people only watched shows when they were complete, and people were not watching with any kind of synchronicity.

With international fans moving into simultaneous watching with Thai audiences, we suddenly had the chance to talk about shows as they were airing and affect the conversations about them and even, sometimes, the decisions. Folks seem to have differing opinions about what makes a BL, and what makes a BL good, and they are vocal about when a show doesn't meet their standard. This has always been true, but the strong opinions have more of an effect on the discourse when they're expressed in real-time to the show being aired. Also, when we have literally 3x the number of Thai shows being aired (nevermind other countries which have also increased), it seems so much more egregious to me to complain if a single show doesn't meet your particular taste. Just go watch something else! That was less possible in 2016, but now nobody has any excuse lol Please note here that I'm not saying shows should not be criticized. But when you have one loud faction saying shows should have nothing but innocent kisses if any skinship at all and showing more is distasteful and possibly homophobic, and another faction saying a show should be panned if they don't have at least one sex scene and if there is no good kiss it's homophobic, I don't know where that leaves content creators but I see the tension and how it sometimes results in my least favourite tropes like "blushing maiden" even after a couple has canonically had sex. These factions have always existed in BL fandom, this is not new, they just both seem particularly silly now with so much content to choose from.

The shows that get attention and the shows that get snubbed feel the same too, in all honesty. You can ask yourself the following questions:

Is the show a little slower paced?

Are the story beats less melodramatic?

Do its characters feel more human?

Do they feel more queer?

Is it a comedy?

Is there any risk of an unhappy ending?

Do people not think one of the lead actors is hot?

Do people ship one of the lead actors with someone who isn't his costar?

Do people have to do anything other than go to YouTube to watch it?

If the answer is yes to any of those questions, and especially to the last one, fewer people will be watching, even if the show is good. That's always been true. [Shows I'm thinking about when I say that: Make it Right, He's Coming to Me, My Ride, You're My Sky, Oxygen (though the sides in this one are also at fault), YYY, Something in my Room, Ghost Host Ghost House, Dear Doctor I'm Coming for Soul, Cooking Crush.] All this is to say, there have always been shows that have been ignored, though I agree with you OP that with more shows airing, more are being ignored at any given time.

The other thing is that when a show is good, it doesn't necessarily invite discourse. The messes are often what encourage people to dig in, fill in gaps, linger in the adrenaline. The part that does feel different is also related to the increase in genre BLs; genre stuff in general tends to get more attention in fandom spaces, and the way people are functioning as fans feels different in that they're bringing the way they interact with genre content to BL as BL has started having larger and better funded genre content. I'm thinking about those early genre BLs like He She It, My Dream, Love Poison, Golden Blood, So Much In Love, Why R U....we started getting genre shows in BL in I think 2017 and basically had 1-2 a year until 2020ish and then it increased from there; and the ones that had funding and decent distribution got engagement until they started going off the rails, and then they had even more engagement and then fell off. I don't think it's a coincidence that the shows last year that got people to write meta were La Pluie, Be My Favorite, and I Feel You Linger in the Air. When a show is building a world, there's more to say and interrogate about it, and when a genre show fails, it can fail more spectacularly than a regular romance story. The most popular BL shows used to all be straight-up BL bubble romances, but I think genre shows really started to take over a greater percentage of the popular spots in 2022 and 2023. Again, the main difference here is that there used to be 1-2 stand-out shows per year, and now there are closer to 6+ per year, and as we got more stand-out shows the variety of what type of show stood out as popular has expanded. I do think the overall percentage of shows that are more standard romance plots has reduced, partly because Thai production companies are running out of popular y-novels to adapt. So I'm anticipating we'll continue to get more genre content going forward, and maybe a higher percentage of original works too.

Shows I'm Enjoying Right Now

Right now, the Thai shows airing that I'm watching are:

Cooking Crush

Dead Friend Forever

Cherry Magic Thailand

City of Stars

The Sign

Playboyy

PitBabe

7 Days before Valentine

For Him

Of those, I'd currently most recommend Cooking Crush as a generic BL recommendation. Dead Friend Forever is very good, but is not a romance and is difficult for some to watch (there are a lot of dark themes in addition to the gore and scary bits).

Cooking Crush is doing so many things I love. I've written about the way it's set up its major conflict to be amongst the friend group here, and way the show is depicting communication between the two main characters and how they improve their communication with one another as they get closer here. Two of my biggest BL pet peeves are a conflict for the sake of a dramatic penultimate episode that ignores or retcons a character's growth or the building of trust that a couple has already gone through in the series, so the fact that this show is working so hard to establish strong communication between its leads and then setting up the significant drama to actually about friendship rather than romance is something I cannot overstate my excitement about. To tie this back into what I wrote above, this reminds me of Diary of Tootsies and I mean that in the best possible way.

Dead Friend Foreever is, like I mentioned above, not a romance; it's a slasher horror melodrama with a very well established mystery, an ensemble cast of mostly hateable characters (which I admit isn't usually my thing, but since they're likely all going to die as a result of the genre they're in I'm finding that more tolerable than usual, and there is at least one character I like). DFF did a great job of structuring the story for the ultimate payoff of information reveals. There are a lot of shows that have been messing with non-linear storytelling recently, Cooking Crush being one of the ones that actually does this poorly in my opinion, but Dead Friend Forever effectively uses non-linear storytelling so that we find out important pieces of information about particular characters at a time when that information will have the most emotional impact on what is happening in the "present" of the storyline. Every time there is a reveal, it informs what we've already seen, recontextualizes it, and means we understand some of the character motivations and actions differently from when we saw them the first time. I mentioned above that there are dark themes in this show; one of the things that I really like about this show is that the impact of class is not glossed over, and that the consequences of these events feel very real for the characters; people do terrible things in this show, but these actions are not treated lightly by the show itself.

You'd think these two shows would have nothing in common, but there are things that they share that put them both in my top category. Generally, in both of these shows, the character arcs are clear and logical; when a character does something, even if I don't like the action itself, I can understand exactly why they that and can see how it matches where they are in their arc at the time. The shows show change in characters as a result of what they experience, and the relationships in this show really matter. When characters start acting in ways that feel out of character or against their own arc because they have to in order to drive the plot forward, I struggle to remain invested; that's not happening with either of these shows. Both of these shows also treat serious topics with seriousness, and consequences for actions are real and felt by the characters in the show (and if someone gets away with something, the show is clear that this is not just). Nothing has happened that hasn't been signalled or implied earlier. Both shows also have clear class consciousness and represent the disparity caused by classism in a critical/harsh light.

Whew! I think I got to everything you asked. Thanks again for the extremely interesting question!

#ask game #bl meta #long post #typed so that I can stop thinking it #fandom meta #multi bl #thank you for the ask!

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underfart-snas · 8 months

Text

i’m going to preface this by saying this will be hard to read. for those who have had to deal with a lot of familial trauma, csa, and various other things really. you’re being warned now.

it is not anything fun, light, or happy. i will not answer questions from anyone. i will not stop people from their comments or tags but i will not look at opinions or attempt to change them. good or bad, i’m too tired to change anyone’s minds or matters on the subject. while i am regretful and sorry for many things, i know this won’t change much.

i’m not looking for forgiveness. i'm looking for closure.

i will not argue on how i’m a good person, or how any behavior in the past was justifiable or right. it was wrong. i still fuck up to this day trying to be human. at this point, all i want is to speak up about what i had to go through and why things ended the way they did with hopefully a more clear sense of perspective as to why i made what i did. and then i would like to move on.

flowerfell ended in disaster from all sides. a story i, the friends i made along with it and worked deeply with during it all, held very dear for our own reasons. be it to express the hardship of survival, to cope with the progression of loss, or having hope in finding small things to live for and learning to find love in friendships, family or otherwise that we couldn’t have in life. it was a big story for everyone, and i understand not everyone got the message. people have not been kind. i’ve seen equal sides of good and bad come from it.

i won’t argue about the shipping aspects. people are right in believing i liked what i liked, and whether or not they hated that was up to them. i had my personal reasons and i never intended for it to be a malicious thing, but i understand people’s headstrong thoughts on the canons or otherwise. I didn't like to go out of my way to shove it in people's faces, which is why i scrapped later stories that were pressured to be frans related and instead made them into personal characters.

it’s fucked up seeing people get chased and hurt over fictional things. things that aren’t physically harming anyone, at least when they’re contained properly. things you shouldn’t be actively looking for if you don’t like it. things that people may actually be doing to cope with their own trauma. i watch so many people looking for hate, or reasons to be angry. i think that adds to much sadness overall. i can’t say much for those who don’t go about tagging things properly for those who don’t want to see things other than "please work on that."

when i played undertale, i lived vicariously through frisk as i played. they were quite frankly, a blank slate. i was able to self-insert in a way. due to story aspects, i felt the monsters were like... old old. like ancient beings that lived lives unfathomably long beyond the human lifespan. beyond the passage of time.

i fell in love with characters and aspects and ideas it gave. i fell in love with it’s world, the possibility of other worlds like it, and exciting wacky hijinks. i took interest in others making au's and thought about how i could make my own. what my own life lacked or couldn’t give me. the family and friends i found through it.

toby really kicked everyone’s ass with this one, and i hope he does it again and again. and i pray he continues to succeed. because he made something beautiful.

now for what i had to deal with, during the failed attempt of making my story…

i have had to process a lot of neglect from family and home in recent years. though i’m older now, it still hurts. things still linger and sting harder than they should. they say it gets better but it really sticks and comes back in many ways that make life so much harder than it should be. it’s only made harder when people want you to be better, but it takes time to get there. sometimes people can't be with each other because of it, which is something i've had to learn over and over again. it takes so much time and it takes it away from everything you hope can be good and great in your life.

growing up was a nightmare. i’ve had to grow up with abandonment from my mom. neglect from my dad. i've had to deal with them trying to reach back out and my feelings on whether or not it's deserved. or if i'm even ready to handle it yet. many times i'm not.

i’ve had to deal with surgery to fix my body from disgusting and life ending deformation as a toddler which still leaves scars on my body today. my family has told me i’m lucky to even be alive. sometimes i almost wish it took me, because the world is cruel. but at the same time, i want to live so, so badly.

i’ve had to deal with manipulation and rape from someone almost ten years older than me in household when i was just a child. from five to nine. threats of being compliant and not to speak up or else my life was in danger. being physically trapped for hours while my body was a tool. later this fell onto another child of a caretaker for my sister, which is the only reason i got away from it. so i never got the chance to speak up myself and that effects me to this day. i was told years later this same thing happened to my older, severely autistic sister prior. someone who literally cannot verbally communicate or function without help from another. my grandmother telling me she left before because my father didn’t believe her. this all meaning, this is something that could have never happened.

i've had to handle my grandmother’s physical and verbal abuse for the rest of the those years after she came back to take care of my sister. my sister didn't escape abuse either. i would be stuck listening to her convince me as i got older and barely making it out of school that wouldn’t ever survive on my own. that i would never make it. that i would never find love. that i’d be eating fucking “saltines and ketchup” on the streets. i’ve had to deal with eating disorder because of her and various other disgusting shit i don’t want to add that the fear had made me succumb to. i didn’t leave my room for days at a time unless i was forced to. i didn’t sleep properly, to the point of passing out for minutes at a time. anyone who used to come to streams would know, i used to fall asleep while drawing with my brother. in many ways, my grandmother has made me so functionally stagnant, which is so hard to combat now.

cutting out all the general silliness and nonsense i would make just to smile once in a while, my art and flowerfell was an escape for me. it was a way to express my pain and hope that there was some sort of out. that there were friends to be made and love to be had. family to be found. that if you’re strong enough maybe you can be redeemable and make it to the end. frisk was hope. sans was strength. and all of the friends they were supposed to make along the way were support.

but at the same time, i clearly wasn’t able to handle the scale of what it became. i wasn’t ready for the crowd, i wasn’t ready to make a coherent and straight story, and was too giving and lenient. i wasn't ready for the "godlihood" people were pressing on me when i was just a normal person. it made making real friends a hassle. i didn't know who was honest or using me. many people have used me.

i was scared after it fell apart and got toxic. that people can take and twist and hate no matter how hard you try. i didn’t understand a lot of things back then or how to defend myself. i didn't understand how to combat theft, i didn't understand fiction kin, i didn't understand self care or boundaries for others and myself. i didn't understand a lot of things. i try really hard to understand now.

for all intents and purposes, it was getting septic. i was getting septic at that time and for some time after. and because of that i lost not only my story, but my friends and my sanity. i wasn’t able to keep it together for them or myself. i was hurt and hurting others by proxy. and i am so sorry for it. all of it.

i was only saved by finally being taken away from home by someone who actually took a chance on me. someone who made time for me even when i was getting reclusive. someone who loves me through all of that even if i hurt them terribly in the process, and may even still in all the faults i'm working on. despite everything, they're still with me today.

to this day i find flowerfell hard to look at without feeling various stages of grief. i have many degrees of anger and sadness, at times hopeless acceptance. not necessarily towards anyone anymore, but that i was unable to finish it. or felt i was unable to. that i'm unable to surpass it. that i was so fearful of loss and parts of myself being taken away when i already felt i had so little. how it blinded me to what good i had at so many times. how it’s destroyed my ability to create and fall in love with characters i like or make, and their worlds. no matter how hard i try now. that it’s taken my ability to trust, communicate, and form steady relationships with people. how it effects even those who have stayed and try so hard. that it’s taken my ability to share and feel safe doing so. even with people i'm close with today.

even situations on how helpful it’s been for people over the years, and deeper connections to self or others they’ve found in the progression of time because of it. i’m not unhappy for those who have, i’m grateful that people have found their hearts in it. it was made with unfathomable love and there’s incredible pain on having given up continuing what could have been more. what else people could have connected with or felt. there was so much i didn’t get to share, and got too angry and scared to give.

i grew to believe people didn’t deserve it anymore because of what i and my friends at the time were going through. i no longer wanted to feel hurt. i no longer wanted my friends to be hurt. and i violently took it away into myself, which has hurt me even more over the years.

i want to believe people would have liked the ending, and anything that would come after that. it was going to have a good ending.

later i would find the fear of parts being taken would be connected to discovering plurality in myself, and recently finding out in therapy i’m probably not too separated from my sister in being on the spectrum, adding to all of that and more. i’d have to process that feelings became separated and another struggle to deal with. that i was dissociating from everything so hard these feelings are expressed as their own apart from me, but still with me. that this was my way of not being alone with what i had. it is not a kind thing. while they're like family to me, it is also a cage.

it would take me years to actually discover what this was properly, having to go through a whole ordeal of manipulation and problems from that alone. i would have to deal with them also being stolen and taken advantage of due to complacency and misunderstanding. which has made every bit of fear with what came before twice as difficult. however, i've also had good people along the way, and i hope they stay with me for a very long time.

because of this i’ve learned a lot about systems and kinships and reasons why these exist. how these things can make people feel at home. i have changed a lot of views on it and how these things help people, even if they’re strange at times… i’m not mad about it anymore. if it helps people it helps people. other people are trying to survive too. i just ask people be respectful about it.

i don’t hate fanart or others trying to make stories anymore. as someone who struggles now with even a fraction of creating any amount of work i used to, i’m more glad than not that it’s encouraging people to improve and move forward. but i won’t ever accept discredit because at the root it is mine still. i made this for myself before i made it for others. it will always be a part of me, even if painful now.

i’m just tired. i’m tired and i hope over time i’ll be able to rest.

sigh.

to kaze, your document is faithful and i won’t argue that any of it is wrong or malicious. there was a lot missing from that video that could and should have been added. it wasn't just about shipping, but a lot more. i hope people will leave you and others alone about flowerfell and ship nonsense at the end of the day. especially when your stories were wonderful and aren’t hurting anyone. while we’re not on good terms, i do wish them a very "fuck off and move on."

however, i will not accept the statement that you were helpful to my mental health, or to others involved to begin with. trying to be, maybe, but it faltered.

apart from encouraging anger towards the fanbase either on my or by your own hands, flipping the switch between telling me to keep going and giving up. you fully took advantage of the complacency i had to go through at home to survive and had to unlearn for many years prior. you weaponized your problems at home onto us. this compiled everything, probably for both of us. this would only continue on to my system in many ways.

you actively encouraged suicidal behavior within the group, provoking my brother into a pact at his lowest. you took advantage of me and my brother mentally and sexually. knowing full well of our issues and my own csa, you still crossed lines. doing or sharing things without warning or prior consent and conversation, at times even within public groups. fighting back or saying something about these things were difficult because everyone was sensitive at the time. even if things were jokes at times, it didn't always come across that way.

i watched blind fight so hard for you in many ways even when they were struggling so badly with their own physical health, even staying in the end. i don't know if they're doing well or are still there now which is another string of worries.

what hurt the most is that for years you blamed me for an attempt because i “didn’t love you enough to talk to you or be honest” and held it over my head instead of explaining until the very last second before i left that it was because of home. you continued to comment in ways up until that point, then deleting things as if i couldn’t see logs. every single day i thought you were going to just be gone in an instant without warning. that i and others would lose one of our best friends. i grew so afraid of talking to you because of this. i was scared to hurt people more in anger of that. it is still something that terrifies me to this day.

flowerfell wasn’t the break of our friendship, it was the inability to handle the weight of taking care of someone who was unwilling to work on themself on top of all of that, while being unable to take care of myself at the same time. not being enough. that nothing of what little i could give would ever fix what was happening, and that i was being used as an escape method. much like my brother was. we weren’t good for each other anymore. and while i wanted to keep holding on, many people told me i had to let go and they were right. i'm sorry that it wasn't completely by my own voice that i let go.

i don’t even hate you anymore, if i even ever really did to begin with. the most i get is mad and i may say the word "hate" in anger, and that is entirely my own fault for checking in once in a while to see if you’re still breathing or getting better. because i cared a long fucking time and i think parts of me still do. i can’t say there weren’t fond memories or good times and i still have gifts i won’t throw away. and i won’t discredit that i do see you trying really hard for yourself now, which is a hopeful feeling and all i and others ever wanted. even if we may never speak directly again, because i don’t think that would be good for either of us, i hope it keeps going well.

but i don’t think you have the right to say i’m a bad person as if you weren’t just as bad yourself. you effected me and others just as badly.

we don't have to forgive each other. but i do hope, after a long time, we can forgive ourselves.

just a last little edit:

before you start congratulating someone who added to the entire severity of literally everything, understand this:

we were not driven by her or her alone. this is not her fucking win. this is the result of friends and good people saying we should speak up and needed to be heard for years. this is because we have support we actually feel safe with and finally decided we're fucking tired. we didn’t speak simply because she put out some silly little document. she only added to the fucking misery that everyone else has brought on about this!

this is for ourselves!! thanks! and goodbye! - =D

#flowerfell #flowerfell au #frans #tw csa

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lgbtlunaverse · 4 months

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I think one aspect of Nie Mingjue that is critically overlooked in fandom is that he failed.

What I mean is that I think it's strongly implied that a significant part of Nie Mingjue's moral rigidity and his tendency to universally fall back on his principles instead of trying to see the unique context of a new situation is that he is strongly aware that at some point his sense of judgement will be greatly impaired due to the saber curse, and he hopes that a strong rule-based morality system that he sticks to at all times-- ignoring any specfic feelings or doubts that may arise-- will help mitigate the damage when that happens. If he's trained himself to ignore his instincts and stick to the rules, he can continue doing the right thing even after he emotionally can no longer tell what the right thing is!

And it fails! Miserably! He essentially tried to destroy his ancestral curse with Facts and Logic and it didn't work! And he doesn't even realize that it's no longer working because surprise surprise: the curse that severely affects your sense of judgement also ruins your ability to gauge whether you're still standing by those rules you made up for yourself.

And the system was flawed from the get-go, because there is no such thing as a set of moral rules that are so universally applicable you'll never have to make unclear decision in edge-cases or re-evalutate the rules themselves based on new information-- a thing this system won't let him do because What If That's The Curse Talking? (nmj is basically a walking version of the slippery slope fallacy. Any small change is bad because it will lead to eventual catastrophy)-- and also because facts unfortunately do in fact care about your feelings and your attempt to be objective and unclouded by your emotions is still going to be subjective and informed by your own views, which is why Nie Mingjue's moral code has a core tentant that says self-sacrifice is not only Good but Mandatory and wanting to live is Bad, actually.

But even if the rules had somehow been perfect it would still, in the end, have failed. Right as the moment Nie Mingjue made that whole fucking system for arrives, it becomes useless. It's honestly really dark and tragic and deeply fascinating because of that.

Any fix-it that includes Nie Mingjue recovering from late stage saber poisoning should include him being absolutely horrified. Not just in the generic "oh my god I'm so sorry I hurt you" way, but in the sense that the thing he has committed to to the utmost degree since he was a child failed completely and instantly without him even noticing. Dedicated most of his life to it and it didn't matter at all. That's gonna fuck with a guy's head.

#it's not just a re-evaluation of what you thought was wrong or right but rebuilding your entire worldview from scratch #mdzs #nie mingjue #mdzs meta #like!! holy shit!! isn't it fucking tragic? isn't it compelling? it doesn't matter how hard you tried you were set up for failure #doomed from the start in even more ways than you thought #like nie mingjue had made peace with the fact that he was always gonna die but the idea that he was unavoidably going to hurt people?#worse. so much worse #Doesn't matter that you'll break before you bend if you were born with a crook in you

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sweetbbarnes · 1 year

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The Interview | Bucky Barnes

Pairing: Boyfriend!Bucky Barnes x Celebrity!Fem!Reader

Summary: After directing a successful movie about Captain America’s life, the media seems to think that you and Steve Rogers would be the perfect match. Little do they know, your heart has already been taken by his best friend, the infamous ex-assassin James Barnes. And although you two are in a secret relationship and even secretly live together, when Bucky hears people talking about how you and Steve would be perfect for each other, his insecurity gets the best of him. But it’s okay, because you are determined to show your soldier just how much you love him. I got the inspiration to write this fic from the prompt “I don’t love you any less just because no one else can see it.” and also from the song I’ll Never Smile Again.

Warnings: Bucky is insecure (like, a lot) and self deprecating; jealousy (if you squint it); mentions of Bucky’s history and trauma; mentions of scars and past injuries; lots of feelings; lots of fluff; swearing; pet names; alcohol is mentioned; sexual themes, slight sub!bucky and dom!reader, allusions to dom!bucky and sub!reader (they kind of switch, idk how to explain), oral sex (m receiving), unprotected sex, the smut is written in both Bucky and reader perspectives; please let me know if I missed anything.

This is a +18 work. Minors DNI.

English is not my first language.

I do not consent to have this fic translated, copied or published to any other sites/apps. Do not steal my work.

I don’t understand anything about filmmaking so this is entirely based on information I read on google.

A/N: this is the first fic I post here as well as the first time I try writing something in english and I’m actually really nervous about sharing it, but I liked it a lot so I decided to post. Also I had no idea smut was so hard to write, so I’m sorry if it’s not that good, I promise I tried my best.

Word Count: 7.0k

“So, this is your first time directing a project after years working as an actress. How was this experience?” Bucky hears the interviewer’s voice. After your debut as a director with a movie about Steve Rogers’ life, you’ve been going to a lot of interviews — most of them with Steve, like this one — and as much as Bucky sees you everyday, he also enjoys watching them when you’re not home and he misses you. He likes to see your eyes shining a little brighter when you talk passionately about your work, the polite smile on your lips while you pay attention to the questions, the sweet voice you use to answer them, the way your eyebrow arches a little bit in annoyance when interviewers bring up irrelevant subjects.

“You’re aware that I literally live with you, right? You don’t have to watch those to see me.” You had joked the first time you caught him doing it. But Bucky just likes to see his girlfriend, even if it’s through a screen. Today is no different, so he sits there on the couch, listening closely while you answer the question, looking gorgeous as always.

“Well, it was definitely challenging. Not only was it my first attempt at directing, but the whole premise of the film was different from everything I’ve ever worked on, you know, ‘cause telling a fictional story is one thing, but telling the story of a real person is something else completely. It takes a lot of responsibility. But it was good, I felt a sense of independence that I never had as an actress. If I didn’t like something or if it didn’t feel right, I could just change it.”

“While we’re on the subject, Captain Steve Rogers, how was it like to have someone make a movie about your life?”

Steve smiles confidently at the man, already so used to this celebrity life that he barely resembles the shy, introverted kid Bucky knew in the 40’s.

“I mean, there’s a whole exhibition about me in a museum, so it’s not like my life is a secret,” the three of you laugh at the joke “but it was easier than I thought it would be. When Y/N first told me about it, she said that she didn’t want to simply tell Captain Americas’ story, everybody knows it, anyway.” He shrugs, and it’s true, everybody knows about the skinny boy from Brooklyn who took a supersoldier serum, lost his best friend, sacrificed himself and then was frozen for years just to wake up in a totally different world than the one he grew up in. But what no one knew — at least before the movie — is who Steve Rogers was before the serum, what changed and what stayed the same after he took it, or what it was like to wake up to a world he knew nothing about and how, exactly, this whole situation affected him. And that’s exactly what you had intended to show. Not how Steve Rogers became Captain America, but how Captain America changed Steve Rogers - avoiding topics that were too personal, of course.

“She had a totally different approach than what I am used to, and it was fun. It also helped that she did a really good job with it!” The blond continued.

“She really did, the film is amazing! It shows us a more human side of you, not only the hero, but also the person behind it. At least when I watched it, I got to understand a lot of things that I’d never stopped to think about before and ended up feeling more connected to the person that helps protect us everyday.” The interviewer agrees with Steve, and you thank both of them with a huge grin. “By the way you talk, Captain, I am assuming you were present through the entire production?”

“Yeah, whenever I wasn’t on missions. She wanted to stick to the truth as much as possible, so I got to check every information before it was added to the movie, and also chat a little with the actors.”

“So,” the man says your name, “everybody wants to know, how was it like working with the world’s favorite superhero?”

“First of all, don’t fool yourselves, Captain America is a pain in the ass.” You say, earning a loud laugh from the interviewer as Steve feigns an offended look. Bucky agrees with you.

“I am not! And you should watch your language, miss. There are children watching this!” the blond exclaims. He’s laughing but it’s clear that he’s serious about the language thing.

“See?” You say, pointing to Steve since he just proved your point “The lectures are endless!” You roll your eyes playfully, and proceed to answer the question seriously. “Steve and I were already friends before everything, so yeah, it was pretty normal. The only difference is that we had to see each other a lot more than usual.”

“Since you talked about your relationship before the film, rumor is that you two are very close. So the internet is wondering, maybe there is something more than just friendship?” The interviewer asks in a suggestive tone. What the fuck?

Bucky watches as your smile falters and Steve’s eyes widen, both your reactions showing that this is an unexpected question. His heart starts to beat quickly as you answer with a dry “our friendship is strictly platonic”, but the soldier doesn’t wanna hear any more of that conversation. How dare the man ask something like that? And also, what does he mean with “the internet is wondering”? Does the internet think you and Steve are a couple? You and Steve? You and his fucking best friend? No, you are Bucky’s girlfriend. Okay, the internet doesn’t know that. And, alright, hiding the relationship was his idea in the first place, because of how the media sees him and how it could affect your career, but part of the agreement between you two was that you would never talk about your romantic life publicly, so you always make it clear that relationship talk during interviews is off limits, and it enrages him that someone would disrespect your boundaries like that. And again, you and Steve?

Bucky’s head is spiraling when he grabs his phone - that you teached him how to use - and searches for your name plus Steve Rogers. And that’s when he sees it. Gossip blogs suggesting that the two are dating and talking about how it would be the “perfect couple”, videos of you and Steve gazing at each other’s eyes and touching each other’s arms during interviews - Bucky knows those looks and touches were innocent, but apparently some people are really good at taking things out of context. There’s also photoshopped pictures of you two holding hands, hugging, kissing-

He doesn’t notice when the interview ends. He knows you and Steve are not together, but seeing all of those things made him sick to his stomach. And he felt his heart being ripped from his chest when he realized that you and Rogers would, indeed, make the perfect couple. Steve, the world’s first and favorite superhero, the one who carries the stars and stripes, the blond-hair-blue-eyes personification of perfection, and you, a hero that fights for justice, not with guns or a shield, but instead using all the power and influence you have to bring attention to the truth and try to help those in need. And Bucky? A brainwashed ex-assassin, hydra’s failed experiment, a broken man with a weapon instead of an arm and according to many people, a black hole instead of a heart. That’s why you couldn’t tell anyone about this relationship, because Bucky is not and will never be perfect for you. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and he doesn’t deserve you.

“Hey, babe!” You greet your boyfriend, entering the house you two share after a long day of meetings and interviews. You love what you do, but some days can be very stressful, today being one of them. After that fiasco of an interview that gave you and your agent a huge headache, you’re just glad you’re finally home with Bucky.

The brunet is sitting at the couch, elbows resting on his knees and head between his hands. Realizing he’s probably anxious or stuck in his own mind again, you walk over to this large frame, hold his wrists - flesh and metal - and move them away from his face. He’s a little startled with the sudden interaction, but relaxes as soon as he sees your warming smile.

“Hi, love.” You say, quietly, your heart breaking when you see the hurt in his beautiful blue eyes. "What 's wrong?”

“Nothing.” He immediately tries to hide his expression with a fake grin. “Nothing’s wrong, sweets.” And gives you a peck kiss.

His lie doesn’t fool you, because you know Bucky, and you can tell when he’s upset. If not for his posture when you came in and his pained expression, then for the way he didn’t greet you like he usually does, with a tight hug and a hot open-mouthed kiss that screams how much he missed you as the touch-starved man he is. But you also know that sometimes your boyfriend needs space, when he starts to drown himself in guilt or remembers all the torture and loss he was put through, and will only talk about it when he’s ready, if he wants to talk about it at all. These times, all you can do is remind him that you’re here, until he feels comfortable enough to speak, or until he gets better on his own without the need to verbalize the horrors inside his head.

You sit by his side and tangle your fingers in his hair, massaging his scalp softly. He leans into the touch and tells you how his day was when you ask him - avoiding the interview topic, because he doesn’t want to talk about that right now.

Bucky knows you can tell when he hides something. But he also knows that you are patient and loving and understanding, so when he doesn't want to talk about his feelings, you wouldn’t force him. Most days he’s glad for that, but today he wishes you had seen through his bullshit and just canceled dinner despite what he said.

“Do you want to call off dinner tonight? It’s okay if you do.” You had said while you two were still sitting on the couch, earlier today.

“No, it’s okay.” He answered, shaking his head.

You pursed your lips. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

Now, as you talk happily with Natasha, Sam and Steve, Bucky can’t stop the anxiety in his chest. In fact, it gets a tiny bit worse every time you and his best friend talk about the movie or the interviews, joke about something that happened on set that he doesn’t understand or even when you two went to grab the wine bottle at the same time and your hands touched- Okay, Bucky’s definitely going insane. You are Steve’s friend. Friends talk and joke and share innocent touches. But it still hurts, because Steve would be better for you. If not Steve, then someone else who’s not a traumatized murderer that will only take you down with him and-

“..., right, love?” You squeeze Bucky’s thigh, bringing his attention back to the table.

He stares at you blankly, unaware of what was going on around him.

“Yeah- yeah, right.” Bucky mumbles, and then gets up from his seat. He can’t stay here anymore. “I have to go… grab something.”

After excusing yourself from the table, you find your boyfriend leaning against the kitchen counter, arms crossed and eyes closed.

“Why didn’t you ask me to cancel dinner if you’re not feeling okay?” Your tone is sweet when you ask, there’s no judgment, only genuine worry.

“I am feeling okay.” He lies without opening his eyes.

“I know you’re not. You wanna tell me what’s wrong?” you try again, calmly.

“It’s just-” Bucky huffs, unfolding his arms to rub his flesh hand against his face. “You and Steve.”

You tilt your head in confusion. “What about me and Steve?”

“I’ve seen the interview, and what people are saying about you two on the internet.” he answers, finally looking at you.

“Oh, baby, it doesn’t matter-” You try to shrug it off, because it really doesn’t matter to you, but he interrupts.

“No, it does.”

His sudden interruption surprises you a little bit, but you don’t let it upset you. You know Bucky struggles to express his feelings sometimes. “Why?”

He just averts his gaze, putting on a sarcastic expression like he always does when he gets defensive. But there’s only one reason why Bucky would get defensive.

“Are you jealous?” You ask curiously, not mocking or teasing, just wanting to understand.

“I’m not-” There’s a little pause in which he seems to be considering his own feelings. “No, I’m not jealous.”

“Then what’s the problem, babe? You know Steve and I are not together.”

“It’s just that maybe you should, y’know.” Instead of explaining something, he just confuses you more with his words, uttered with such naturality as if it was the most obvious thing. If you weren’t so disoriented by this conversation, you’d be thinking that Bucky could make a great actor by how he’s good at hiding his emotions sometimes.

“What did you say?”

“I said maybe you two should be together. He knows you for longer than I do.” Bucky tries to come up with an excuse to what he just said, not wanting to explain his real motives.

“That’s not a reason- You’re not making any sense.” You say, still calm, trying to understand the situation as best as you can, because you have no idea why he would suggest something like that.

“Or maybe not Steve, but someone like him.” He continues, ignoring your confused look. But you can see that his defensiveness is slowly breaking.

“Someone like him? Bucky, what do you mean with all that?”

You really try to make sense of what he’s saying, but you can’t, because what the fuck is happening?

Then you see it. The way his Adam's apple moves up and down, his mouth tilts slightly downwards and both his hands clench in fists. But even if you didn’t know his body language so well, you’d still notice the searing pain emanating from his eyes.

“Someone that’s not broken. Someone that’s good, a hero. A person that you wouldn’t have to hide.” He whispers.

You can swear your heart has been ripped off your chest when the words sink in, the ones he said and the ones you know are eating his mind even though he didn’t say them out loud — I’m a burden. I’ll never be good enough. I’ll always have to be a secret, because people think I’m a monster. Because sometimes I think I’m a monster — and you finally understand his demeanor. But before you can say anything, Steve appears at the kitchen door, a concerned look in his eyes “Everything okay?”

Bucky immediately stiffens up and heads towards his friend, once again building up his walls. He can barely explain himself to you, he doesn’t need Steve to be added to the conversation. “Yeah, everything’s fine, pal.”

You watch as the man you love makes his way out of the kitchen and back to the dinner table, a lot of feelings making their way up your chest. You are worried, of course, but also hurt that Bucky could consider the possibility of letting you go to someone else and a little indignant that he thinks you are capable of loving another person as much as you love him. And you know that Bucky has a complicated past and it’s not your obligation to heal him entirely, but you can’t help but feel slightly disappointed in yourself, because even after two years trying to prove to him whenever you could that he is loved by you and he’s worthy of it, you still couldn’t get rid of those doubts that ate his mind every now and then.

After you two started dating, you made sure to always be honest about your feelings, constantly telling him that you love him, that you’re not gonna leave him, that you don’t care about what he’s done as the winter soldier, ‘cause it was never his choice, that he is enough and that yes, you truly think that he’s attractive and handsome and beautiful and hot and perfect even with the metal arm.

The first time he got back from a mission unconscious and heavily injured, you didn’t leave his side for even one second, terrified of losing him, until he woke up and the doctors assured you three times that he was going to be okay. Then you made your agent cancel all of your appointments for the next week and brought him to your house to take care of his wounds until there was no trace of them in any part of his body, even though he said you didn’t have to and that the serum would heal him. Before he got back to his old apartment, you made him promise that he would try to never do that again.

When you noticed that he never took off his shirt during sex, you had asked to see his scars and although he was insecure about it at first, he ended up trusting you. You remember gently tracing all the scarred skin, then kissing every inch where your fingers had touched, trying to show that he didn’t have to hide himself from you.

When he got unsure about how serious the relationship was and you noticed he was scared you would leave him, you asked him to move in with you, wanting to prove how serious you are about this.

Was all of that not enough to make him believe you? Does he still think you’re not serious when you rearrange your entire schedule after he gets back from missions just to be with him for a little longer? Does he think you’re lying when you talk about your love for him? When you do everything he needs to help him deal with the pain — even if what he needs is space and it kills you to be apart while he’s feeling depressed? What about all the times you gave yourself to him entirely, at late nights when your need for each other was so deep that you both let go of control?

No. You bury those insecurities at the back of your mind. You’re not gonna let them take over, you know you love Bucky and you’re gonna keep trying to prove it to him every single day, even if a part of him never believes you.

When you meet Steve at the door, he lowers his tone and points to his best friend. “Is this about the interview?”

“Kind of.” You sigh. “I’ll talk to him later.”

The rest of the dinner is fine. Bucky’s still quiet, he thought that he would feel better after taking everything out of his chest, but he somehow feels worse now. Steve shoots worried glances at both you and Bucky every now and then, but continues talking and joking like he was before. If Sam or Natasha noticed that you had a sadness in your eyes that wasn’t there before, none of them said anything.

“We know you're super important and busy, but don’t forget about us, mere mortals, alright?” Sam jokes, and you laugh before closing the door with a smile, saying goodbye to your friends. Mere mortals, yeah.

You sigh, making your way back to the kitchen, where your boyfriend had retreated to after saying a quick goodbye, a few minutes earlier. You’re aware that Bucky’s supersoldier senses pick up on your presence as soon as you enter the room, but he doesn’t say a word while he washes the dishes. You just stay there for a few minutes, watching how the muscles in his back flex with the movement of his arms, how the tight black shirt outlines his body, covering his torso, his biceps, the scars that you had seen and felt so many times before. God, you love him so much, and you’re gonna prove it to him. Over and over again, until he quits trying to push you away.

A famous song from the 40’s starts to play on the speaker, and you take the moment to get closer and wrap your arms around his waist, resting your hands on his stomach. You place your chin on the crook of his neck and start to sing softly right next to his ear.

“I’ll never smile again Until I smile at you I’ll never laugh again What good would it do?”

Bucky stops what he’s doing. You know he loves when you hug him from behind and whisper in his ear.

“For tears would fill my eyes My heart would realize That our romance is through”

Bucky closes his eyes to enjoy the moment and lets out a shaky breath when you place a kiss on his shoulder before continuing to sing.

“I'll never love again I'm so in love with you I'll never thrill again To somebody new”

Instinctively, he places his hands on top of yours. Both of them are cold, one due to the metal, the other due to the water, but you don’t care.

“Within my heart I know I will never start To smile again Until I smile at you”

You two stay like this for some minutes, eyes closed, bodies touching, the smell of the shampoo he used to wash his hair earlier filling your senses. When the song ends, Bucky turns in your arms to face you and whispers your name. But before he can say anything, you grab his face between your two hands.

“You are not broken. You are good. You are my hero. And I don’t love you any less just because no one else can see it.” You say firmly, one hundred percent sure of your words.

He still tries to argue, though.

“But I am-”

“You know what you are, Barnes? You are the love of my life. And I know I’m supposed to be patient and understanding, and let you figure things out on your own, but I can’t do it this time. I’m not gonna let another second pass with you thinking that Steve, or anyone else, would be better for me, ‘cause this is not true.”

Bucky lets out a heavy breath.

“I- I don’t- I’m not-” but he can’t find the words. Why won’t you see what he’s trying to show you?

You soften your eyes when you take in his expression. Bucky is on the verge of tears, mouth trembling, and it breaks your heart to see your soldier in so much pain because of stupid things people were typing on the internet - about him, about you, about your love life.

“What about you see what I am trying to show you?” You whisper, and only then he realizes he had said that out loud. “Because I’m trying to show you that I love you more than anything. All of you. The good parts and the bad ones. All your smiles and all your scars. And there’s nothing you can say, or do, that will make me stop adoring everything about you.”

You connect your lips with his before he has time to argue. It’s a loving kiss, slow and gentle, carrying every single feeling that burns inside your chest, communicating everything you want him to know - that you love him unconditionally, that you’re not gonna judge him for who he is, that you are his and he is yours. He reciprocates with the same amount of tenderness and love.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers when you break the kiss. “I just want what’s best for you.”

“It’s okay, love.” You whisper. “I know.”

And you crash your lips with his again, not so gentle this time.

Now that you managed to push his insecurities away, Bucky finally allows the familiar need for you to emerge once again. He lifts his flesh hand to the back of your head, holding it strongly while his tongue invades your mouth without any warning and he sucks on your lower lip. Even though you two had sex many times before, he always feels so desperate, never once failing to show you just how hungry he is for you. You break the kiss to giggle when he uses his metal hand to grip your hip with strength enough to leave a mark, but not to truly hurt you. Bucky would never hurt you.

“So eager to someone that just tried to break up with me.” You tease.

“Can’t even remember why I thought that was a good idea.” He places wet kisses through your jaw and neck. Bucky knows his insecurities are never gone that easily, and some of them will probably come back later to haunt his peace, but right now it doesn’t matter, because right now he wants you and he’ll do anything to get what he wants.

“Oh, something about how I should ditch you for Steve.”

“Let’s not talk about it. It was ridiculous.” He mumbles, feeling his self control slowly fade away with every touch of his lips on your skin. Talking is the less thing he wants to do, but apparently he’ll have to.

“Why? You don’t like the thought of your best friend doing this to me?” You ask with a smug smile, gesturing between you two.

Bucky stops what he’s doing and looks at you exasperated.

“Please don’t say this kind of thing ever again.”

“What? You wanted me to date Steve and thought we wouldn’t get intimate if we were together?” You ask, amused with his expression.

Actually, I haven’t thought about that part. Bucky sighs after he realizes you’re trying to not so subtly remind him of how absurd his idea was.

“Alright, I get it. It was stupid. Will you drop it now?” He pleads, feeling more frustrated each second that passes with him not being inside of you. Especially after your outrageous suggestion.

“It was stupid.” You’re aware of his desperation but choose to ignore it until he understands. “Promise you’ll never do that again?”

“Feeling insecure? I don’t think I can control that.” He mumbles.

“Assuming that you’re not worthy.” You tuck a strand of his short hair behind his ear. “It’s okay to feel insecure, really. But when you do, please just tell me, and I’ll remind you of how much I love you.”

You are not broken. You are good.

“Okay.” He whispers with a hoarse voice.

Bucky tries to kiss you again, but you hold his face a few inches away from you. Goddammit, woman!

“Promise?” You whisper, still refusing to give him what he wants. You need to hear him say it.

“I promise, sweets.” He answers, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “Now can I please kiss you?”

His plea sends a jolt of electricity straight to your core. Oh, you absolutely love when Bucky Barnes begs for you. Instead of answering with words, you return your mouth to his in a passionate kiss, with your arms around his neck.

Suddenly, the only thing that Bucky can think about is you, the delicious taste of your lips, the softness of your hair entangled between his flesh fingers, the tempting sounds you’re letting out against his mouth, the seductive touch of your skin on his skin-

“Want you so bad.” He murmurs in a rough voice, and before he realizes, he’s pushing you to your shared bedroom, never taking his mouth away from yours.

“Don’t worry, babe, I’m gonna take care of you.” You break the kiss to answer, making your intentions clear. You rarely act dominant during sex, but when you want to, you can get him to do pretty much anything you ask. That’s how much power you have over him, and although Bucky usually likes to be the one in charge, he sometimes enjoys being reminded that you have him entirely in the palm of your hand. And you certainly like to remind him that he can let go of his imposing behavior every once in a while. You drag your hands through his muscular stomach under the shirt, pronouncing the next words in a demanding voice. “Take your clothes off, Barnes.”

Knowing better than to disobey you, he undresses himself under your gaze. You had seen him naked countless times before, but you still take a moment to admire, and Bucky feels like he might die when your eyes travel slowly through his entire body, from the beautiful blue eyes, to the swollen lips, through the scarred skin where meat meets metal and his defined stomach, lingering on his muscular thighs and already hard length, then his legs and feet, and finally back to his eyes.

“Will I get to see you naked too?” He asks, already feeling smaller. Well, for a man that’s used to taking you by the waist, pushing you into the bed and easily ripping your clothes off, asking this kind of thing definitely makes him look smaller. Submissive. But it’s a good feeling.

“I’ll think about it.” You shrug and push his chest gently to make him sit on the bed. With him sitting down, slightly leaning back, and you standing on your feet between his legs, you look powerful, and it arouses him. You smirk, noticing his expression. “But tonight is about you. Gotta show my pretty boy how much I love him.”

Bending over just a little bit to reach his face, you start to kiss his cheeks, then the corner of his lips, his jaw and neck, all of that while lightly running your fingernails over his bare thighs. Bucky tries to hold back a groan.

“Don’t hold back your noises.” You whisper next to his ear, immediately catching on his shyness. He can feel your warm breath as you speak, and it sends shivers down his whole body. “Wanna hear you, my love.”

The man barely hears you, focusing on the feel of your nails on his skin. He loves it. He loves you. He wants you to touch his entire body with your hands and lips. He wants to be inside of you right now-

Bucky lets out a louder groan this time, and you happily continue your trail of kisses, on his shoulders, down to his stomach, until you’re on your knees in front of him, face to face with his thick cock, a little bit of pre-come already making its way down his reddened tip.

“Hands behind your back.” You order, using your arms to open his legs wider.

Leaning on his elbows, Bucky looks down at you startled. He’s not strong enough to keep himself from touching you while you give him a blow job. He utters your name in an almost whine, trying to argue, but a single look from you with arched eyebrows makes him shut up and obey. This is gonna be a hell of a long night, he thinks.

His dick gets impossibly harder when you pepper light kisses through his inner thighs and then bite and lick the same spots, so close from where he needs you, but still not touching it. “Sweetheart.”

“Yes?”

“I need you.” He mutters.

“What do you need me to do, Bucky?” You feign innocence, knowing exactly what he wants, but waiting for him to ask.

“Need you to- need your mouth.” He begs. “Please.”

Delicious noises emerge from his throat as soon as you start to slowly slide your tongue through his entire length with your mouth wide open, staring at his lust-filled eyes as you go. He clenches his jaw tightly when you wrap your lips around his tip, circling the sensitive area with your tongue. He grunts as he tries really hard not to jerk his hips up, and you take your time sucking and licking his tip, enjoying the reactions too much to rush this.

“Fuck.” He hisses. “Feels so good.”

He watches in awe as you guide one of his legs to rest on your shoulder. He wants to tell you that he’s too heavy and you don’t have to do that, but the words are lost in the dizziness of his brain when you take him so deep inside your mouth that his tip reaches the back of your throat. Rolling his eyes involuntarily, the only thing going through Bucky’s head is how heavenly you feel as you take him like this.

His cock is so thick and hard, and as you start bobbing your head up and down you can’t help the feeling that you’ll never have enough of him. You dig your nails into the thigh that’s resting on your shoulder and use the other hand to wrap his base, since he still doesn’t fit entirely inside your mouth. The almost pornographic sounds your boyfriend is making encourage you to fasten your movements, sucking harder and sending pleasure through every single nerve on his body. You let out a moan, and he almost loses it with the vibration it provides.

“Want to- fuck- gonna come.” He mumbles, throwing his head back with eyes screwed shut.

You take your mouth off his size with a loud pop and warn “Don’t.” Before going back to your motions.

In order to obey, Bucky tries to think about random, non filthy things like dolphins or wood tables or apples. He’s definitely not thinking about what you’re doing, the warmth of your mouth around his dick, the delicious pain of your fingernails scratching the back of his thigh, the way your pretty lips are deliciously sucking-

“I can’t-” He whines, involuntarily yanking his hips up. But the only thing you do is mutter a short “yes, you can” and place the hand that was involving his base on his lower stomach, silently ordering him to stay still.

The room is filled with his shaky breaths as he gathers every ounce of willpower that’s left to hold back his release. He wants so badly to please you, to make you proud and earn those sweet praises he knows you’ll whisper to him once you’re satisfied with his success.

When Bucky’s leg starts to tremble violently and you know he won’t be able to contain himself anymore if you keep going, you let go of him completely, standing on your feet once again. But before he can complain about the orgasm denial, you shut him up with a chaste kiss.

“I’m gonna fuck you now, okay, baby?” you whisper against his lips, and laugh seductively when he tries to lift his hands to your hips. You hold his wrists before he reaches you. “Didn’t say you could touch me yet.”

He whines, but that’s all he can do about it. Aware of his struggle to keep his hands away, you start to take your clothes off, piece by piece. And don’t get me wrong, Bucky enjoys seeing you all dressed up in your fancy clothes and expensive shoes, he really does, but he absolutely loves the sight of you without any of them. The soldier keeps looking at you in adoration while you make him lay down and straddle him, holding both his wrists above his head.

“But I wanna touch you.” Bucky protests as soon as he notices what you’re doing, but doesn’t make any motion to move his hands off your grasp, even though he could easily do that. Instead, he tries to win you over with his words. “Wanna put my fingers inside that pretty lil’ pussy of yours. Wanna taste you. Make you come on my metal hand and then on my face-”

“Nice try, Barnes.” you interrupt before you actually give in to his suggestions. “But tonight it’s my turn to take care of you. Gotta remind you that you’re mine,” you lower your lips to his ear “and that I love you very, very much.”

You don’t wait for a response before you buckle your hips down, feeling his rock hard length between your wet folds. Both of you moan with the contact.

“So you’re gonna keep your hands where they are until I say otherwise, okay?”

Bucky nods, giving up his efforts because he’s simply desperate to just be inside you as soon as possible. With the confirmation, you bring both of your hands to lay on his chest and position the tip of his cock in your entrance, teasing a bit just to watch his lips tremble with anticipation. Inch by inch, you push your hips down on him, taking deep breaths to control yourself and keep the slow pace. Bucky provides you with quite the sight, eyes squeezed shut and lips slightly parted, his face is covered in red, the veins from his forehead are clearly visible under the skin and his hair is matted in a sweaty mess while he takes shallow breaths, waiting for you to go all the way down.

The thought that you could turn a man like Bucky Barnes — always so headstrong and stoic, walking around with a scowl and giving people those sarcastic scoffs — into a panting mess beneath you makes pleasure travel from the pit of your stomach to your core. There is something very sensual about the fact that the super soldier could easily bend you down to fuck you senseless (like he’s done many times), but allows you to have all the power anyway. More than allowing you, he wants you to have it, craves to surrender entirely under your strings. This man, who’s so desperate for control all the time, trusts you enough to let you dominate him completely. This knowledge at the same time makes your heart ache with love and the lower part of your belly tremble with bliss.

“You look so good beneath me, baby. All blushy and wild.” You praise, and the only thing his mind can think of as a response is more moans. The sounds are like music to your ears. A loud, obscene melody.

Finally, you take all of him, and Bucky succumbs to the feeling of your soft walls wrapping around his length. Not able to restrain his wish anymore, he begins to vigorously yank his hips up, trying to bury as much of himself as possible inside of you. You lose yourself in the intense feeling as his cock rubs over and over against that delicious spot that makes you see stars, and that deliciously familiar sensation starts to prickle under your skin.

The knuckles on his right hand are white from gripping the sheets with so much strength when he mutters under his breath. “Let me- Please, let me touch you.”

Having him beg for you is nice, but how are you supposed to say no when his request is so tempting? You hold his wrists and bring them to your waist. Without losing a moment, he immediately squeezes your boobs, pinches your nipples and then moves to grip your hips like his life depends on it, helping you with your motions as they’ve already started to become erratic.

Finally feeling your skin on his hands, Bucky feels his cock throbbing inside your cunt, and he knows he’s not gonna last much longer. “Gonna come. Can I come?”

“Yes, baby. Let go for me. I’ve got you.” You dug your nails on his shoulder blades, that delicious pressure starts to build up in your lower belly upon watching your composed soldier arch his back with pleasure, mouth open wide in an ‘O’ shape. “You’re such a good boy, baby. So fucking good to me”

Soon, excruciating pleasure crashes through Bucky’s body, and he feels himself falling off the edge as he fills you up with the product of his orgasm, panting violently while calling your name. Arousal courses through your veins with the scene, and it doesn’t take much for you to reach your own peak, rolling your eyes and feeling your body burn from inside out as your walls clench around his cock. You keep the unstable movement of your hips, prolonging both of your orgasms until the two of you come down from the high.

Feeling a little dizzy from your post-orgasmic haze, you plop down on his shoulder to catch your breath, hearing the loud thumps of his rapidly beating heart. He places a sweet kiss on your temple and starts to stroke your hair. You two stay like this for some minutes, silently waiting for your pants to turn into steady breaths.

You need to hold back a whimper at the sudden emptiness when you get off of him to lay down by his side and look at his shiny blue orbs. You cup his sweaty face and stroke his cheekbone.

“You’re the only person in the world that can make me feel like this.” You whisper, and he understands what you mean.

He gives your thumb a light kiss and smiles softly. “I know. I’m sorry that I forgot it for a moment.”

“It’s okay, love. I’ll be pleased to remind you again and again, every single time you forget.” You grin and place a kiss to the top of his nose. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily."

And at this moment Bucky thinks that although he would never be perfect for you in society's eyes, he doesn’t care anymore. Yeah, he may not be the most admirable and put-together man that walks on this earth, but maybe what he is can be enough. Maybe the efforts he makes everyday with the sole intention of being a better man for you — even though not always successful — are enough. Maybe loving you with all his heart and trusting you unconditionally is enough. Perhaps one day the world will finally see him as something other than a monster and you will finally be able to tell the world that he is yours — like he knows you want to do —, but while it doesn't happen, he is satisfied to have only you thinking he’s worthy and good. Because, at the end of the day, you are the one that matters. You will always be the only one that matters.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes #bucky x female reader #bucky barnes fanfic #insecure!bucky #jealous!bucky #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes smut #sub!bucky #bucky barnes angst #bucky x y/n #james bucky barnes #boyfriend!bucky #sweetbbarnesfics

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alciedoodles · 11 months

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hi!! i saw your other post about how you simplify details and it was really helpful - was wondering if you had any tips abt drawing expressions/poses to express a story/emotions. like i saw your recent sumeru char doodles on twt and the way you draw alhaitham and hungover kaveh is so!!! ahh!! all of the lines feel really intentional, from the expressions to the fabric of the clothing and omg i love it so much. anyways sorry for rambling HAHA thank you sm for sharing your art! gl w art school 💪

Hello!

Thank you so much for the lovely words <3 it's really such a honor to hear that so many people consider my art to be very expressive, which I think is an essential skill to have for storytelling in comics!

First of all, I'd like to say this isn't something I can easily answer... you must already know there's no easy step-by-step guide on how to be "good" at art or expressions or whichever aspect you're trying to improve, the answer will always be observation and practice. However, I can tell you some of my methods I use to make sure emotions are conveyed as efficiently as possible(?). Here are the key points I always try to apply (note that these aren't rules, these are just my guiding points):

Understanding the character(s), the context, and how the two work together

Laying down a foundation

Not letting dialogue be the main driving force behind storytelling

Paneling conveys emotion too, actually

The absence of something can also convey emotion

You didn't specifically ask about comics, but since it's my favorite subject and it ties into your question, I'll be using a lot of examples from the comics I made! And it might interest other people who were curious?

VERY long post ahead :)

1. Understanding the character(s), the context, and how the two work together

This is what I think is the most fundamental part of storytelling! I mean, makes sense, right? Obviously you don't need a PhD in The Character to make stories based off them. I literally cannot tell you every detail about my favorite characters despite loving them very much, but I think understanding them and their relationships on a big-picture level is primordial. What drives them, what are their principles, what are their biggest fears, who do they make exceptions for, etc. Also, to me, understanding their relationships is sometimes more important than understanding the character at a molecular level. We can tell so much about someone just from the way they interact with specific people vs how they interact with strangers. The person I am online isn't the same I am with friends nor even with family-- like one of the reasons some characters can feel one-dimensional is because they don't show variation in their character throughout their relationships (and since you mentioned Kaveh and Alhaitham, I don't need to tell you the way both of them interact with each other is far removed from the way they interact with friends, strangers, etc... I think a lot of people forget who they are outside of their relationship, which a huge point of contention behind mischaracterization in fan works). I don't have much to say about this other than this is something I keep in mind every step of the way through.

2. Laying down a foundation

This is what the majority of my comics look like on second draft:

I said second because the first drafts usually look like this, which are barely comprehensible to anyone but myself:

The purpose of these are not only to give me a better guide for posing than whatever i did on the first draft (storyboard), but also have a first pass at motion and emotion. The expressions and gestures are legible enough that you can probably glean the emotions of each character based off the little sketches. Ultimately, some of the things I'll draft will end up adjusted, changed, expanded on or even removed.

This particular panel of Reigen is a favorite of mine, because the first pass already shows his confusion, but the final one is even more distorted because it felt like it needed to be even more accentuated.

This panel where he mansplains is also a good example, because the first pass gave him too much of an arrogant/uninterested look (notable with his upturned face), whereas Reigen is more likely to take pride in explaining something he knows to make himself look like a wise and mature figure (notable with his slight smirk and downturned face, as if nodding to himself; the hand is also slightly more forward as if inviting rather than dismissing). And since I basically made an example of it above: body language is super important! This applies for everyone. It doesn't stop at characters who make grand gestures and exaggerated poses every waking moment of their life, but also characters who are socially awkward, private, reclusive...

The posing here is intentionally stiff but not entirely closed off, giving the sense that he's earnest, tries his best to make connections , but also doesn't want to take too much space, thinking the smallest wrong move could cause trouble. Also, give room for the body to do its thing. Avoid cropping out things that shouldn't be cropped out. Leave enough room between the edges of the panel and the point of focus to emphasize what you want to emphasize. Close-up shots shouldn't be too frequent (in fact, personally I don't like doing close-up shots but it doesn't mean they're bad or shouldn't be done, again, my word isn't gospel!), especially if what you're conveying isn't too emotionally charged. Lastly, I have terrible news for people who hate drawing hands. Hands are possibly the second most expressive part of our body (if we don't count the body as a whole), so especially for your charismatic characters, you will very often want to use hands as a tool of expression.

(Think how much emotion and personality would be lost if the hands weren't there!)

3. Not letting dialogue be the main driving force behind storytelling

With my comics, I play an incredibly dangerous game called "I'll think of dialogue as I make the storyboard and then when I'm done drawing every page I'll write the dialogue over it guided solely by memory and whatever I drew". Don't do this. Have a script in hand or write it at the same time as you draft your storyboard. The reason I do this is because I'm lazy and I don't want to open a simple writing software to type down a script. Genuinely I have no other reasons. Anyway, the only advantage this gives to my comics is that they will generally be able to stand on their own without much dialogue; obviously dialogue is essential, but what I mean is that we don't need it to have a pretty accurate read on the room.

For example, if I remove all the dialogue from this page, you probably can't guess exactly what's being discussed. However, you can identify through their emotions alone that there is disbelief, bargaining, and finally a pretty devastating info was dropped. Alternatively, cutting down dialogue from your page and leaving room to expressions/body language alone can be entirely more beneficial than having any dialogue to begin with.

AKA Readers aren't stupid (some may be, but the majority can extrapolate just fine). You'll realize how much you don't need words and how your stories can be even more funny/impactful by pushing forward visual storytelling.

4. Paneling conveys emotion too, actually

Being a "good" artist isn't enough to make good comics. The way you panel things is extremely important, because it sets the tone, mood, pace, you name it. Some of the best works out there are the ones with the most care put into the flow of the comic. You need to understand how people will read it, and it starts with what order you deliver the information and how. This is paneling 101, but a page with irregularly shaped panels, multiple changing camera angles and such will be exponentially more dynamic than a page where each panel is the same size, have similar compositions and/or repetitions with little to no diagonal or curved lines of action.

The two examples above are WIPs from 2 different stories so unfortunately you'll have to make do with the rough sketches. That being said, you don't need to know the context of either pages to know the kind of emotion that should be felt through the paneling alone. Give time for the important emotions to be processed by the reader (unless it's intentionally fast-paced). Every emotion that needs to be emphasized should have its own panel.

In this example, I could easily have condensed these two panels into one by transferring the dialogue from the second into the first and jumping on to the next action. However, it would undeniably give much less impact to Kaveh's disbelief. On an inverse situation, sometimes you will want to condense two panels you made into one, because whatever those two panels are doing are perhaps not important enough to deserve separate panels! Lastly, you can notice that the space on the page is not always filled. Leaving space between each panel and/or between the edges of the page gives room for the reader to breathe and slows down the flow; and inversely, if you want to make the situation more frantic, make everything look more tight and constricted.

5. Not showing facial expressions sometimes conveys more emotion than doing so

This ties nicely to the point I made about body language. You don't need to see a character's face to know what they're going through, necessarily. Sometimes, their posture or their dialogue is enough. In my opinion, a story is more compelling when this equilibrium of facial expressions / body language / paneling / dialogue is correctly adjusted-- you will not need to have all the elements to convey the message or it could be a little overbearing. I don't have many examples for this one because they tend to be more relevant in dramatic scenarios, which I haven't done that many of.

(The first one is once again from a WIP)

And that's about it for my insane guide on comic-ing. I hope ANY of it made sense.

***

Here's a round up of extra tips, focused entirely on the drawing part which might be more of what you asked to begin with :'D

- That little line/wrinkle that adds so much character

Yall know what I'm talking about. In my opinion, too many artists are afraid of giving laugh lines/wrinkles because it makes their characters look older, except when it's to add those sexy sexy eyebags. I'm encouraging everyone to add them to their art little by little and see how much it can improve the expressiveness! Obviously, I don't use it everywhere, but it's a very effective way to make your expressions feel even more... well. expressive.

- Line of action

You've probably seen this picture going around before, from Preston Blair:

Although it's called line of action which implies action, this line is important even when the character isn't really in action.

You can gain a lot in expressiveness when you think of the body as one whole fluid instead of a sum of multiple disjointed parts. This is why drawing a very rough base comprised of only lines and circles can help figure out if the posing works before you start refining it.

On a different note, animation principles work very much in comics as well! I recommend looking up animation guides especially those that show how to make key poses.

- Shadows and/or color fill

This is one I will use quite often for different situations.

Shadows can immediately set a tone when they're used dramatically. For example, a shadow over a character's face can convey unease and/or evil intent.

On the other hand, I will use color fills for different purposes:

Differentiating ground layers

This can help with readability.

2. Conveying a certain mood

It can separate the character from the color of their background to give a sense of isolation, reflection, realization, being disconnected from their surroundings, etc...

- Don't be scared of using codes / tropes / archetypes

...As long as it benefits the narrative, of course. By codes / tropes / archetypes, I mean posing or expressions or visual effects that are universally understood and used for specific expressions. The semicircle sweatdrops and blush made with slashes are incredibly typical of manga/anime, but it doesn't mean they're bad! Visual effects are there to help remove the ambiguity of an expression considering a single expression without visual codes could convey multiple emotions!

- Find what inspires you and take notes!!!

In my case, what greatly shaped my art style to what it currently is: One Piece, the Ace Attorney series and Mob Psycho 100 (yes, I only watched the latter last year but it still managed to become a source of improvement/inspiration for my art even at my current level, because you'll never stop improving :) )

I hope this wasn't too long or too off-topic, and I hope it can also help other people who might be interested! Thank you for reading!

#oh my goddddddd this is long im sorry #i kept adding onto it as i got new ideas #art tips #not art #inbox

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spagyricqueen · 2 months

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Discourse on Ascended Astarion

These are just my thoughts. I have them. This seemed like a place to share them. I dunno...

So, I think the discourse on this subject is a little wacky, but as I read through some of the comments, I think I understand a little better? The new kisses for AA are causing all kinds of vitriol among the fandom, and I'm just trying to understand it.

People seem pretty upset that Tav (or Durge) has 'victim' expressions when Astarion is forcefully kissing them. I get the upset, if you're RP is related to the idea that maybe they want/like the forceful kissing or subjugation. The new animations, for me, did not surprise me and honestly made it a little more clear as it leaned into the idea of the Ascendant that I had all along; he becomes toxic, with a twisted idea of what 'love' is.

However, I've read very strongly opinionated defenses regarding the relationship as a whole. Primarily this idea that Astarion makes Tav/Durge their 'vampire bride'? I'm sorry, what? I thought it was pretty clear from the dialogue that you become his spawn (albeit his 'special' spawn, but still a spawn), and when you ask him if he would ever make you a 'true vampire', he deflects with saying something to the effect of, "All in good time. You need to adjust first."

I read somewhere that the dev notes on that line of dialogue specifically states that this is a lie. He lies a lot to you during that whole exchange. He is not the same person. Perhaps there is some strong debate over whether or not he kept his soul (in my prose, I describe his 'losing of his soul' to imply his core essence and not his actual immortal soul). But the power he gained fundamentally changed his perspective on life, on his relationships, and on how he views himself.

A vampire bride? First of all, from what I understand of D&D rules, this requires a lot of criteria that Astarion does not have. If I recall, it's a ritual that can be performed by an "ancient" vampire or greater. It takes more than one feeding from the sire to achieve this. It's a whole thing, called The Dark Kiss ritual. Astarion only granted "one drop" of his own blood, and he is not an ancient vampire.

They are a spawn, and that's all there is to it.

The expressions of fear, however, I'm not sure I have too much opinion about. Again, me personally, it makes sense and reinforces the idea of Astarion becoming comfortable with his power over Tav/Durge - perhaps a little too comfortable. This could always change later on in the relationship, perhaps, with Tav/Durge asserting themselves or learning to manipulate her sire (Astarion) in return. That's the beauty of fanfiction. Play with those 'what-ifs'.

In the end, it's all just fiction.

#astarion #baldur's gate 3 #writing #ascended astarion #vampire ascendant

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ijustreallylovethem · 5 months

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the worries

the list masterlist

“what are you doing?” you looked up from the notebook with wide eyes, finding connor leaning against the doorway to his room, arms crossed as he smirked at you. “snooping again?”

“well, if we’re working on this list together, i just think i should have a good idea of what’s on it.” he raised a brow at you, clearly amused.

“you didn’t get a good enough look the first time?”

“no, i was a little shocked the first time i read this.” he chuckled, standing straight and making his way into the room. for someone who was having their sexual bucket list read right in front of them, he was surprisingly calm. “some of these are a little surprising.” now he didn’t seem so calm.

“which ones?” he looked over the list. “i didn’t think any of them were that bad.” you laughed.

“they’re not bad. i just wouldn’t have expected you to write some of them down. especially since you never had sex when you wrote this.”

“oh.” he glanced up at your face and then looked at his fingers that laid in his lap. “well, i may have added a few things since then.” you smiled. you knew it seemed longer than the first time you read it. now the ten or so things written in a different black ink at the bottom of the list made more sense. it did leave you wondering though, was he writing things he wanted to try, or things he wanted to try with you? you shook the thought away. of course he wasn’t being specific to you. even though this wasn’t a situation best friends typically found themselves in, you were still just that: best friends. you were reading a bit too far into things.

“can i ask something?” you looked at connor next to you, nodding. “and you’ll be honest?”

“of course. what’s up?”

“has any of it been… good?” your eyes widened. there was no way he was asking that, right?

“you’re kidding me.” he rolled his eyes. “sorry, i just wasn’t expecting you to ask that.” he sighed.

“well i want to do all this stuff,” he gestured to the list you still held, “but why should i if you’re not getting anything out of it?” you couldn’t help but laugh and after a moment he huffed at your reaction.

“connor, do you even know me? if i wasn’t getting something out of it, i would tell you. remember when you picked me up at the airport and i don’t even remember what it was but i told you that you were doing something wrong. and you fixed it and it was fucking amazing. on the couch the other day? i told you to keep going and you actually did. most guys hear that and they change what they’re doing completely.”

“okay, a simple “yes” would’ve been fine,” he mumbled, avoiding eye contact.

“i haven’t faked it, if that’s what you’re all worried about.”

“well, i wasnt really, but thanks for adding that to my list of worries.” you let out a laugh. “i just- i don’t want you to get bored because i dont know what i like. or feel subjected to doing whatever i have written down.” you shook your head.

“like i said, i’d tell you if i had a problem with anything. and you can trust me to try out whatever you want to see if you like it or not. i wont judge.” you knocked your shoulder against his, causing a smile to appear on his face.

“okay, good. because i was thinking of what we could possibly cross off next.” you raised your brows as you looked at him.

“oh really?” now a smirk covered his face as he nodded. “and what’s that?”

“number six?” you looked down at the notebook in your lap, searching until your eyes landed on the right number. your lips formed a smirk too.

“i think we can do that.”

#raegan talks about blurbs #connor bedard #the list

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imtrashraccoon · 4 months

Text

This one covers a variety of subjects and the prompt could be interpreted literally or metaphorically. I dunno, I couldn't find a good place to stop writing it lol. Also, I think I'm going to include word counts when these get pretty long from now on.

@owl-bones

First Day, Previous Day, & Next Day.

Bad Sansuary: Horror - Sharp

Word Count: 2,900

You were in the middle of sweeping the floors and going some general cleaning, when Axe stopped by again. You'd gotten used to the slow but steady knocks that signaled his arrival by now and since you were a little busy, you just called out for him to come in as you knew the door was unlocked.

The door opened and shut as he actually entered your apartment. Then his warm, quiet voice called out to you, "hey, i brought somethin' if ya want to try it..."

You poked your head around the corner to greet him, only to see how shocked he looked. His red eyelight had shrunk down to the size of a penny and it was clearly wobbling around the edges. His posture was stiff and his fists clenched tightly, despite holding a small crock pot with one arm.

You frowned and leaned the broom up against the wall before approaching him carefully. "Is everything okay?" you asked.

His gaze flicked over you quickly, never focusing on one place for too long as if he was inspecting you, eventually settling on your left hand. You started to ask again when he carefully set the crock pot on the ground and stepped closer to you. He went to reach for your hand but hesitated when you stepped backwards.

"are you okay? what happened to your hand?" he finally asked.

You grimaced and looked down at the thick bandage around your index finger. "Oh, this? I'm fine, I just got a bit careless and nicked my finger with a knife while making lunch earlier." To sort of prove your point, you flexed your fingers, although it was a bit difficult with how wrapped up your hand was.

His gaze lingered on your finger for a long moment before he glanced back at your face again. Sucking a deep breath through his teeth, you could see he was trying his best to calm down again before speaking.

"sorry... i just... i could smell blood and i guess i panicked..." he muttered. His cheekbones seemed to flicker a cobalt colour which, while it was momentarily fascinating, you quickly realized he was embarrassed for getting so worked up over nothing.

You frowned and quickly inspected your bandage for any leakage, but you'd taken great care to wrap it as securely as you could. "Huh, I swear I cleaned up after everything, although there was quite a bit of blood..." Shaking your head, you added, "It pretty much stopped bleeding after a couple of minutes though, so I don't think I need to get stitches."

"i have a really strong sense of smell...helps with huntin'..." Axe picked up the crock pot and turned to you. Before you had time to ask what that even meant, he decided to change the subject. "i think you should try some of this," he stated in a firm voice.

He was already on his way to your kitchen to put the small appliance down on a counter and so you just followed him without protest. Whatever he'd made certainly smelled good, although you'd barely just eaten lunch, and you didn't want to ruin your dinner by eating anything heavy right now. You really hoped he wouldn't be upset by this with how adamant he'd sounded.

Clearing your throat, you moved over to the counter so you could look at him. "It smells really good, what is it by the way?" you asked.

Axe smiled as he removed the lid and gave the heavenly contents a quick stir with a spoon. " 's called chicken divan," he hummed.

"Ooh, sounds delicious." You hesitated for a moment before trying to approach the real issue. "Um, Axe?"

His gaze flicked to you and he tilted his skull in a questioning manner. "what's up?" he asked.

"This looks really good and I can tell you spent a long time making it, but I don't think I could eat much of anything right at this moment. You see, I just had lunch... I'm not trying to be rude or anything... I just..."

His left eye socket narrowed ever so slightly as you continued rambling although he didn't interrupt you, and just waited until you'd run out of steam. He didn't look upset per say but his expression seemed so neutral that you couldn't be sure.

He reached out and placed a hand on your shoulder when you'd stopped speaking. "i'm not offended, okay? i'm just concerned about ya and eatin' even just a little will help..." He spoke slowly like he was trying to explain something but didn't really know the best words.

You didn't really understand why he wanted you to try his food so bad. It was just food, right? He was also acting really concerned when you'd only had a small accident earlier and were okay now.

"How will it help? Am I missing something here?"

"cause it has healin' magic in it... all food made by monsters does," he said plainly.

When you gave him a confused look, something seemed to click and his eye sockets widened in surprise. "you've never had monster food have you?" he asked and glanced around your kitchen as if he'd spot some sort of ingredient to prove him wrong.

"No? I've heard it's good but I've never really paid attention." You crossed your arms when he glanced back at you in disbelief. "Axe, you're my only monster friend and in case you haven't noticed, I don't spend a lot of time out and about making new friends, monster or human."

He hummed thoughtfully before shrugging. "fair enough, i didn't realize. it'll help heal your injury though like nothin' happened."

You couldn't argue with that, especially since your finger was still throbbing painfully, even if it wasn't actively bleeding any more. So, you managed to eat a small portion of the incredibly tender chicken and broccoli in order to ease his concern. It had been a long time since you'd even eaten anything this delicious.

Axe seemed to relax some after you'd finished eating, although you couldn't help but get the feeling that he would've preferred if you'd eaten more. He didn't complain though and when you complimented his cooking, seemed positively pleased. Although, he still appeared to be on edge about something if the way he kept looking you over was any indication.

When you caught him studying you once again, you reached over and gently touched his arm. "Hey, Axe? Are you alright?" you asked.

He seemed to startle and jumped slightly. His gaze silently flicked to your hand and then back to you with a surprised expression.

"i... i'm fine, just..."

You could see him struggling to answer and he couldn't seem to maintain eye contact at the same time. Still, you gave him a patient smile and rubbed his hoodie sleeve in a reassuring manner.

"You can tell me if something's bothering you. That's what friends are for, you know?"

"it's...hard to talk about," he responded.

"I don't mind listening..."

Axe let out a heavy sigh and pulled out one of the kitchen chairs from the table. Following suit, you sat down next to him and waited patiently. He stared at his clawed hands for several long minutes before speaking again.

"things used to be really rough...where i'm from... there was a famine... folks had to resort to...drastic measures to survive... if it weren't for paps and myself, the whole town would've...fallen down..."

As he spoke, you noticed how detached and hollow his tone of voice had become. You could also feel the depths of his pain, as if you were taking a peek into his very soul, and it hurt. Still, you wanted to be there for him and so you stayed seated nearby, resting your hand on his arm in an effort to comfort him.

"it's hard seein' people i care about hurt or even just hungry... i've seen so many just...give up..." He made eye contact with you and held it before adding, "you have no idea what i've had to do just to survive..."

You couldn't help but glance away under the intensity of his gaze. Was it just you or had the room become colder all of the sudden? Swallowing nervously, you steeled yourself to look back at him, only to find that he was still staring.

"Well... I, uh, can't say I fully understand how awful literally starving to death is, but you're doing better now, right?" When he nodded slowly, you sighed and continued talking. "That's a relief to hear at least. I'm touched that you trust me enough to tell me about this when I can tell it's not a pleasant thing for you to discuss."

He continued to stare at you for what felt like an eternity. Unfortunately, you couldn't tell what he was currently thinking from his indecipherable facial expressions. Just when you could hardly take the unofficial staring contest any longer, he finally broke the silence.

"you're a strange human..." he muttered.

You couldn't help the quick bark of laughter at his comment. "I thought we'd already established that by now," you teased.

That same cobalt colour from before flickered across his zygomatic bones and he glanced away, scratching the right side of his skull awkwardly. "heh... right, i almost forgot..."

"I wouldn't have stuck around at all when we first met if I didn't like you, okay? I stand by the people I count as friends and I consider you a good friend, Axe."

His blue blush deepened slightly which was kind of adorable, considering he was such a giant of a skeleton. He certainly seemed easier to fluster today, although a lot had also happened in the short time he'd been here. You would definitely have to tease him about it another time.

"you did it again."

You were a bit taken aback by the suddenness of his statement and blinked owlishly at him. "Did what again?" you asked.

"the thing you did with intent. it was like...you forced all of your concern and reassurance into my soul."

Your eyes widened in shock and you quickly pulled your hand away from him, although he looked a little disappointed when you did so. "Crap, I wasn't trying to...manipulate you or anything like that..." You buried your face in your hands and groaned, "I really have no idea how Intent or magic works... I'm sorry, Axe."

He chuckled and shook his skull. "nah, ya didn't do anythin' wrong. it...felt nice actually..."

"Really...?" You peeked between your fingers at him to check that he wasn't upset, thankfully he just seemed mildly amused. "Any chance you could explain what it is so I can try not to accidentally do it again?"

"eh, i'm really not the best person to ask..." Axe thought for a moment before continuing. "do ya at least know about human soul traits?"

You nodded, "Yeah, it's pretty common knowledge now, although only mages can really know their primary trait. Anyone without magic can't really, unless you know a monster willing to draw you into an Encounter or have to get some expensive procedure done."

"figures," he muttered. "i used to be able to tell at a glance but after everythin' that happened, my magic changed completely. i pretty much only use it to get around now and rarely even then."

"I'm guessing you can't draw me into an Encounter to actually find out then?"

He got a bit of an odd look at the idea and shrugged. "more like i won't... 's not that i don't trust ya...i just don't trust myself..."

"Ah." He probably didn't want to risk nearly killing you again after what happened the first time. The weird thing was, you were pretty sure he hadn't actually pulled you into an Encounter back then, but you'd never been in one to know either.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have asked. I understand they're something personal to monsters and I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable."

" 's fine, i don't get offended easily compared to some guys i know." Axe took a deep breath before quietly adding, "well, i don't tend to lash out if someone insults me at least..."

"Why would anyone...?"

He gestured to the left side of his skull before you could finish your question, drawing your attention to his large red eyelight but also, the gaping hole in his skull. You'd almost forgotten that wasn't normal as it just seemed like a part of him as a person, rather than a likely traumatic injury.

"Oh... Still though, why make fun of the guy who could bench press anyone without breaking a sweat?"

He shrugged, "dunno, some folks are probably too dense for their own good. i never used to look like this though..."

"How so?" you asked softly.

"used to be shorter...less scary looking too. no claws or sharp teeth either... 's the result of changin' to make survival easier."

It was hard to picture him as anything but the large, sharp-edged skeleton currently sitting at your dining table. He tended to be the honest type though so you had no reason to believe he was messing with you.

"So...is that what you meant by hunting earlier?"

He nodded but remained quiet.

You felt like you had to say something to make him feel slightly better. It was true that he was on the scary side as far as appearance goes, but you'd seen how gentle he could be. He wasn't some scary, evil person, at least in your eyes.

"You know, you are quite scary on the outside. However, unlike a lot of humans I've met over the years, you seem to wear your heart on your sleeve and aren't hiding malicious intentions on the inside." You smiled warmly at him and added, "I... I consider you a good friend... Which is saying a lot because I don't really have any friends."

His permanent smile instantly morphed into the most genuine grin you'd seen to date. He looked like he desperately wanted to give you a hug but was physically holding himself back for the time being.

"heh, i'm touched to say the least..." he said, although you could tell that was quite the understatement. "i consider ya a good friend too and, as i betcha understand, i don't make friends easily."

Hearing that he felt the same, you felt an overwhelming wave of joy flow over you. No one would understand that you got along with this teddy bear of a man better than any of them, despite how scary he looked.

But then, you remembered your previous question that had brought up this conversation in the first place. "So, not to brush aside this awesome moment, but what about Intent? What does it have to do with soul traits?"

He didn't seem to mind that you'd changed the subject and nodded thoughtfully as he considered your question again. "well, i 'spect your primary soul trait is some variation of kindness considerin' how empathetic you've always been towards me. i can't say i've ever met a human who uses intent to make others feel better like you do."

He scratched his skull and added, "it's hard to describe... normal humans can't really sense intent as far as i know, but it's like you're giving all of your current feelings to me."

He chuckled when you gave him a look of bewilderment and took your right hand in his much larger one. "don't worry, ya aren't doing it all the time, at least from what i've sensed, just today and the last time. i think ya need to purposely touch me anyways."

You breathed a huge sigh of relief and glanced down at your joined hands before looking back up to him again. "That's good to hear, I was really worried I'd been acting inappropriately or something."

"nah, you're fine, lil' chip..."

You blinked in surprise and did a great job at imitating a goldfish for a moment, much to Axe's amusement. "Excuse me?! You did not just call me short..." you hissed under your breath.

He actually laughed, to the point of nearly being brought to tears, much to your annoyance. You pulled your hand away and crossed your arms until he finally calmed down enough to speak again.

"what? it's cute, like you, so why not? if we're goin' to be friends, you should know i like to give my friends nicknames..." he said while flicking a stray tear away from his left eye socket.

You tried to remain firm and pout, but you couldn't. He was adorable and while you'd always hated it when people picked on you for being a bit smaller than average, you didn't really mind it coming from him. He seemed completely genuine and not like he was trying to belittle you either.

"Fine, but only because i like you..." you grumbled. "And you better make it up to me by coming to visit more often."

He chuckled again and patted your head in a way that was probably supposed to be affectionate. "okay, okay, i'll see if i can make some room in my schedule so we can hang out more, just for you..."

You could feel your cheeks grow warm with the way he was looking at and talking to you. "You better..." was all you could manage to retort with.

#badsansuary #raccoons drabbles #undertale #horrortale #horrortale sans #horror sans x reader #reader #female reader #axe #oneshot #have some empathy dear

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