#taking the news really well though guys i am definitely not binge watching a ton of old videos it’s fine i’m cool

[ghoulbats]

#rip sweet beast #i spent half my life with you that’s kinda crazy #taking the news really well though guys i am definitely not binge watching a ton of old videos it’s fine i’m cool #credit to my creative director jess batsareimagining #my inspo in life and memes <3 #achievement hunter

[aquaquadrant]

the little things

Kenji’s mouth is dry. “Ben…?” he croaks out.

Ben swallows. “Oh,” he says, in a very small voice. “It’s you.”

~*~

Ben’s been reunited with the other campers, and seems to have come out the other end of his experience stronger than ever before. But as he slowly finds his place back within the group, a bigger picture starts to emerge, piece by piece.

Rated T for: mental illness, mild language, panic attacks, PTSD, anxiety, insomnia, eating disorder (not in a traditional sense, but definitely not a healthy relationship with food)

A/N: Hey Camp Cretaceous fandom, y’all mind if I uhhhh write six-thousand words about Ben’s trauma?? Basically, Netflix kept recommending the show to me so I watched the first ep out of curiosity and then ended up binging the whole thing in like two days, and now here I am.

(Dear sweet, patient, regular readers of mine: I’m so sorry my main fic’s been delayed but I promise it’s getting updated next week, I just had to get some feelings out about Sad Dino Boy)

Hope you enjoy, please reblog and leave a comment if you do! - Aqua

Click here to read on A03 (with more complete tags)

~*~

the little things

~*~ 

Ben Pincus has returned from the dead, and he’s never been better.

The other campers are amazed. What he’s been through must have been horrible. He thought he was the only one left, that there was no one to help him and no hope of rescue because he was presumed dead. It would’ve been enough to drive anyone into despair, or off of the deep end.

But Ben shows no signs of this.

They didn’t find him holed up somewhere, near starvation and waiting to die, like one might’ve expected. They didn’t find him at all, really. He found them, and by coming to their rescue, no less. And when he did, he wasn’t a trembling mess, he wasn’t a half-mad ball of paranoia, and he wasn’t a hollow-eyed skeleton fueled solely by desperation. 

He’s an all new and improved Ben, the best version of himself.

He hasn’t just survived, he’s flourished. He’s brave, he’s confident, he’s capable. He gives his opinions freely and without second-guessing himself, suggesting things the old Ben would’ve recoiled at. He fits seamlessly into the team like he never left. He faces problems head-on with determination and grit and not a trace of fear.

The turnaround is unbelievable. But even more important is that while he’s a new and improved Ben, he’s retained all the best parts of his old self.

Ben is easy smiles and meticulous organization of a leather waist bag and doting affection for a four-ton armored lizard. He’s sensitive and soft-spoken and accepts hugs from his friends gratefully. He still can’t quite pull off coolness, with a voice that sounds as gangly as his limbs look and an awkwardness he hasn’t grown out of.

And it’s perhaps because of this that no one thinks to look closer. This image is an easy thing to accept because it’s what they all want to believe, that Ben is okay- in fact, better than okay. But the truth is not always big and obvious upon first glance.

It’s the little things, as they soon find out.

~*~

That first evening after Ben’s return, after Mitch and Tiff and everything else, they don’t eat dinner.

They all ate their fill at the campsite and, after a month of scarcity, it was more than enough to sate their appetites. It’s Darius who thinks to ask Ben if he’s hungry, remembering that the boy hadn’t had the chance to eat with them. They have a good stockpile of food at the moment and he figures Ben must’ve been struggling.

But Ben shakes his head with an easy smile, and says, “Nah, I ate earlier.”

Darius leaves it at that, because there’s still so much catching up to do. They show Ben around their clubhouse, make plans for where to build a bunk for him (he insists he’d be just fine sleeping on the ground next to Bumpy, but they all veto that immediately). They talk well into the night about the day’s crazy events, filling each other in on their own sides of the story, and everything that’s happened since Ben got separated.

There are some more tears, some more hugs. But ultimately, the mood in the clubhouse is ecstatic. They never thought Ben had survived the fall so to have him back is better than a dream come true, it’s a miracle.

Darius thought he knew what it was to experience a miracle when they first saw that bonfire smoke on the horizon. But if he had to chose between the miracle of them finally leaving the island or the miracle of getting Ben back, it’s not even a competition.

Eventually the exhaustion catches up with everyone, and they turn in for the night. Bumpy parks herself underneath the clubhouse, her presence incredibly reassuring. Ben ends up sharing Kenji’s bunk because it’s bigger than Darius’s even when occupied by two, and the older teen had insisted in a very faux-casual way, to which Ben had rolled his eyes but nonetheless seemed touched by the gesture.

Darius takes the first night watch shift and gets to see all his friends sleeping peacefully. And even though Tiff sailed away with their only means for escaping, he feels a lot more hopeful than he has in a long time.

~*~

It’s canned peaches for breakfast.

A far cry from yesterday’s buffet. But no one’s complaining because the meticulous rationing of their food, courtesy of Darius, means they’re all starving by meal time and couldn’t care less what it tastes like. Darius is in the process of separating the food out into bowls, half a can for each of them, when he realizes Ben has yet to take a seat. He’s lingering at the edge of the room, watching.

“Hey,” Darius calls, “you coming or what?”

Ben shakes his head. “Thanks, but I already got my own breakfast.”

Before Darius can respond, Brooklynn shoots Ben a look. “What? Where?” she demands. “You holding out on us, jungle boy?”

Darius shoots her a look, but Ben just gives an easy smile and unzips the leather pouch that’s reclaimed its spot around his waist. He withdraws a small handful of bright red berries, no bigger than blueberries. It’s not even a fraction of the half-can of peaches the rest of them are settling for, and Darius sees his own unease reflected in the others’ eyes.

Brooklynn glances away. “Oh. Um, sorry. You don’t… you can have some of ours, you know?”

“I’m good.” Ben tosses a couple berries into his mouth. “You guys go ahead, I’m gonna go check on Bumpy.”

“O- oh, okay…” Sammy murmurs, watching Ben go with uncertain eyes. “If you’re sure…”

They’re silent for a moment.

Kenji inhales quietly through his teeth. “So… that’s weird, right?”

Yaz leans forward in her seat. “What do you think, Darius?” she asks lowly.

Darius bites his lip. Even though dinosaurs are his specific topic of interest, he’s gained a lot of second-hand knowledge about general biology and psychology. After all, he has to understand the processes behind behavior in order to identify patterns and deviations.

And right now, he has to admit that Ben is displaying a very concerning behavior.

“I’ll talk to him,” Darius decides.

There’s a collective sigh of relief around the table, and the others start eating. It takes Darius longer than usual to finish his serving.

~*~

“So, uh, bottom line is… you don’t need to feel bad about eating our food. You’re as much a part of this group as anyone else, and we’re happy to share.”

After a couple tense days, Darius is finally talking to Ben about the food situation. Or rather, talking at him. Because Ben’s not looking at Darius- his eyes are tracking the small spider that’s crawling along the railing next to them. Normally, Darius would take it as a sign of boredom and inattentiveness. But there’s an intensity in Ben’s eye that’s a little unsettling-

Quick as a flash, Ben shoots out an arm. He crushes the spider under his thumb and swipes it into his mouth. And then, untroubled as can be, he returns his focus to Darius as if nothing had happened.

Darius has overheard Kenji teasing Ben about eating bugs, and Ben has admitted as much in the stories of his time alone. Berries and grubs were what he lived on. Darius, for one, can’t imagine being hungry and desperate enough to snatch a bug off the ground and eat it.

But it’s even harder to imagine having access to real food, good food, and still choosing to eat bugs.

“Don’t worry so much,” Ben says lightly, patting Darius on the shoulder as he turns to go. “I can take care of myself.”

That does it. “You can’t keep living off berries and grubs!” Darius finally snaps.

Ben whirls around. “Says who?”

“Basic human biology!” Darius retorts.

Ben glares at him, but there’s something shaky behind it. “Darius, I told you it’s fine,” he says evenly, though he doesn’t fully meet Darius’s gaze. “Don’t make a big deal out of it. Please? If I’m hungry, I’ll eat.”

Darius hesitates. “You promise?”

Ben breaks into an easy smile. “I promise.”

Darius sighs. It’ll have to be good enough, for now.

“Okay.”

~*~

Darius knows he isn’t the only one still concerned by Ben’s lack of appetite.

Right from the start, Ben was the scrawniest one among them, and it’s only gotten worse. But surely he’ll have to eat at some point, right? Basic survival instincts will win out over whatever stubborn mindset is holding him back. Plus, it’s clear that he’s got enough energy to run and climb and stuff with no problem.

Maybe it’s not as serious as Darius thinks. Maybe Ben just needs time.

~*~

Ben doesn’t know what’s wrong with him.

He just- he can’t take their food! Why don’t they get that?

And it’s not because he’s stubborn, it’s not- no matter what Darius thinks. There’s nothing wrong with letting others help you (as long as you don’t let it make you soft, of course). After all, he relies on Bumpy. He just… when he looks at the food, and imagines eating it, he just knows it’ll sit in his stomach. Like a rock, weighing him down.

Plus, plus, if he gets used to eating like that, it’ll just- it’ll be harder to cope once it runs out. He’s already gotten used to roughing it and it was hard enough the first time, he can’t let himself slip back into complacency. And- and really, how long do they think it’s going to last? They’ve searched all the previously inhabited areas of the island and there’s no more food for them to scavenge.

Do they think they’ll be rescued before it runs out? No one is coming to save them. They know it as much as Ben does- they wouldn’t be bothering with rafts if they didn’t. Do they think they’ll escape, then? Sure, because their current attempts have been going so well.

No, they just aren’t thinking long term. Ben is.

There’s nothing wrong with that.

~*~

It’s the sixth day in a row where Ben eats nothing but berries.

He wants to search around some more, see if there’s anything more substantial. That would require him to leave Bumpy, though. And he can’t leave Bumpy. But the hunger is excruciating. It gnaws at him every waking moment, keeps him up at night. He’s never felt such hunger in his life, not even close. He can’t keep going like this, can he?

But there’s nothing else.

Except… something’s crawling up his arm. Something small, and leggy. Ben turns his head, squinting to focus his eyes in the dark. It’s some kind of beetle, with a shiny shell that catches stray shafts of moonlight poking through the roof of his lean-to.

Ben stares at it for a moment. Then, before he can think, he snatches it up and pops it into his mouth. He barely registers any taste, mostly just the crunchy texture. And even though it wasn’t any bigger than a quarter, after he swallows, he feels… fuller. Even if it’s purely imagined, it’s a comfort.

Berries and grubs. It’ll have to be enough.

There’s nothing else.

~*~

Ben continues to decline their offers of food.

~*~

A few weeks after the reunion, Kenji is starting to get antsy.

As the self-designated ‘pro-fun police’ (a clever play on ‘no-fun police,’ if Kenji does say so himself), he’s made it his responsibility to make sure none of his friends just keel over and die from stress one day. That means it’s his job- no, his duty- to lighten the mood with copious amounts of joking, goofing off, and, of course, pranking.

Jumping out to scare his friends while they’re trapped on a dino-infested island might, on paper, sound like a bad idea. But it keeps everyone on their toes, and the relief of realizing they aren’t facing a dino attack, just Kenji pulling a prank, helps keep any real anger at bay. It’s typically an exasperated annoyance, which Kenji will gladly take. His main targets are Brooklynn and Darius, because he can’t fathom doing that to Sammy, and Yaz is- while perhaps in the most need of lightening up- super freaking scary.

But now that Ben’s back, Kenji knows what he has to do.

Before, back when they were just campers and not survivors, Ben was easily the most frightened of them. The kid was scared of dirt. And his over-the-top hysterics always managed to, somehow, put everyone else at ease. Because if Ben was scared of something, that didn’t really mean anything. Again; scared of dirt.

(Now, if Yaz is scared of something, that’s a different story).

Since Ben’s, uh… departure, they’ve been sorely lacking that energy in the group. Kenji would wager he’s not the only one who misses it. He used to have so much fun riling Ben up with just a couple words (none of the others are so easily baited). And whenever Ben would freak out and instantly cling to him, like some kind of scrawny spider monkey, it made Kenji feel… capable, in a way.

Like, if Ben was trusting Kenji to protect him, maybe he wasn’t so useless after all (which was becoming an all too frequent feeling as the others continued to adapt and grow, leaving Kenji struggling to keep up).

Problem is, Ben’s really hard to scare now.

It’s not always obvious, like when he’s bragging about taking down Toro or itching to blow things up. Sometimes it’s the little things. Whenever they’re out in a group, foraging or gathering supplies, and there’s a sound in the distance that makes them all freeze, Ben’s frozen in readiness, not fear. He looks more like Yaz, tense and waiting with his fists up and eyes narrowed.

Sometimes, when they aren’t occupied by any particular task or imminent threat, and have the chance to enjoy some downtime, Ben drifts off to the side and just… watches, all tense, silent, and anxious. He’ll watch the tree line, or Bumpy on the ground below, or even just the rest of them as they go about their business. Kenji is sure he’s not the only one who’s noticed but none of them bring it up.

It’s… unsettling, seeing Ben like this. Kenji figured he just needed a couple weeks to fall back into the rhythm of the group, to see that he didn’t have to be this loner Rambo type of guy anymore. But even though he talks with them easy enough, seems to enjoy their company, and has a good handle on teamwork, it’s like there’s a part of him that can’t fully shake that mentality.

At least, not without help.

~*~

 Kenji’s plan is- in his humble opinion- pretty dang brilliant.

He waits for a time when it’s just him and Ben in the main level of the clubhouse (Yaz is running laps around their perimeter, Darius is in his bunk writing in his nerd book, Brooklynn and Sammy are upstairs going over inventory) and then announces he’s going for a shower. His daily showers are common knowledge at this point, so Ben just nods in acknowledgement and goes back to leaning against the railing, watching Bumpy graze down below in that tense-silent-anxious way of his.

Kenji sets up the shower and lets it run (he’ll go down to the river later and get more water to make up for the waste, because even though he tries to avoid manual labor whenever possible, it’s totally worth it in this case). And then, being more careful and silent than he’s ever been (except maybe in cases where he’s being hunted by dinos), he slowly creeps up behind Ben before leaping forward with a shriek, grabbing him by the shoulders.

Ben doesn’t just jump and scream. He jumps, screams, then spins around and swings a fist into Kenji’s jaw in one smooth motion.

Kenji’s laughing even as he staggers back, his jaw stinging (because at the end of the day, even though Ben’s kind of a badass now, he’s still Ben and his arms are pretty much chicken wings so there’s no real harm done, just a bruise at most). Plus that’s a valid reaction, considering everything, and he can’t say he didn’t deserve it.

“Oh man, I totally got you!” Kenji says anyways, to rub it in. “You should see your… face...”

And Kenji trails off because now he’s seeing Ben’s face.

What Kenji expected is this:

Once Ben realized it was just him pulling a prank, he would get mad. In that totally non-threatening dorky Ben way, where he scrunches his nose and puffs out his cheeks, his little fists clenched at his side like an irate toddler. Maybe he’d stomp off but it’d be worth it because being mad is better than being tense-silent-anxious and it’d give him the chance to be annoyed with Kenji. And maybe Ben being annoyed with Kenji would help everything feel a little more normal, a little more like before.

What Kenji gets is this:

Once Ben realizes it was just him pulling a prank, he doesn’t get mad. He starts shaking. Violently, uncontrollably. Like he’s suddenly come down with hypothermia despite being in a tropical jungle, staring at Kenji all the while and not saying a word. His chest rises and falls rapidly in little panicky breaths and the kind of fear in his eyes isn’t the kind that’s funny. It’s glassy-eyed with shrunken pupils that dart around Kenji’s face, frightened and searching, as if he isn’t fully seeing it.

Kenji’s mouth is dry. “Ben…?” he croaks out.

Ben swallows. “Oh,” he says, in a very small voice. “It’s you.”

Kenji hasn’t heard Ben’s voice sound that small since before, and it doesn’t feel like a victory.

By now, of course, the others have noticed the commotion and it doesn’t take more than a second for them to piece together what happened. Yaz rounds on Kenji with a furious snarl and whisper-screams a lecture about how stupid and irresponsible he is. Darius is immediately trying to mediate the situation while Sammy frantically asks Ben if he’s okay, to which he doesn’t respond. Brooklynn steps in, citing an unboxing video about dealing with shock, and when she goes to put a hand on Ben’s shoulder, he lets her.

And now Kenji realizes where he miscalculated. Ben never showed discomfort with physical contact before because he’d never been surprised by it before (because Ben has gotten scary good at being alert, always keeping an eye and an ear out on his surroundings even in the middle of a conversation). And when it came to his friends, it wasn’t unexpected for Sammy to rush in with a hug or Darius to pat his shoulder or Brooklynn to playfully knock elbows.

But Kenji snuck up on him, so Ben’s first thought wasn’t that it was a friend. It was that he was going to have to run for his life, like he has countless times since being stranded on this island.

Kenji apologizes over and over again as Darius gently leads him away by the elbow and Brooklynn talks to Ben in low tones while Sammy squeezes his hand and Yaz takes up a lookout position because they can’t afford for all of them to be distracted even though she occasionally cuts a glare at Kenji out of the corner of her eye so it’s really debatable how vigilant she’s actually being.

Throughout it all, Ben doesn’t get mad, but he doesn’t stop shaking.

 ~*~

 Darius explains it, later.

“The sudden fear reaction signaled a bunch of adrenaline to be released into his bloodstream, to give him the energy needed for running. And then, when he didn’t, there was nowhere for that energy to go. It’s like, even though his mind knew there wasn’t any danger, his body wasn’t convinced.” Then, a sympathetic look. “You didn’t know, man.”

Kenji only nods. But knowing doesn’t make it better because even though Ben’s stopped shaking he doesn’t turn his back on Kenji anymore and somehow that’s a million times worse than if he’d gotten mad.

 ~*~

 There are claws wrapped around Ben’s shoulders and shrieks in his ears.

Wind whips his face and his stomach lurches as he’s carried through the air, weightless, at the mercy of the Pteranodon. He’s never felt so small and utterly helpless before, not once in his life. Even his screams aren’t big enough to carry, snatched away by the wind and deafened by the roars of the terror-birds fighting over the right to tear him limb from limb.

And then he’s falling and has other things to worry about.

 ~*~

 Ben stops sharing Kenji’s bunk.

 ~*~

 In a rare moment of downtime, Yasmina is curled up with Darius’s field guide, adding a few more illustrations, when she feels Ben staring at her.

It’s not the first time she’s felt him staring at her. It is the first time, however, that she decides to stare back.

She means it to be playful, at first. She meets his eyes, one brow quirked as if to say, ‘What, is there something on my face?’ But instead of glancing away in sheepish embarrassment or jolting out of a daze, Ben just stares back. There’s no emotion in his expression at all except intense focus.

The faint smile drops from Yasmina’s face as she stares back in surprise. Then, with ever-growing confusion and a fair amount of alarm, she realizes that Ben’s shoulders are rising, tense and hunched like he’s trying to make himself look bigger.

Like an animal.

Yasmina knows what it is to stare down a wild animal. She’s felt predatory eyes on her before and either bolted or turned to face the challenge. And that’s what it is, for some of the dinos- a challenge. Sometimes they’re testing your mettle, and standing your ground is enough to make them back off.

Ben must’ve learned that, too. And for whatever reason, he’s slipping into that behavior now.

It’s a ridiculous thought. This is Ben, her friend. Her very scrawny friend who can’t weigh more than ninety pounds soaking wet, and prefers a diet of berries and grubs. And yet, here he is, staring her down like she’s a particularly bold pack of Compies that’s decided to threaten him.

Yasmina gives a slow, deliberate blink. “Ben?” she calls. “What’s up?”

Just like that, the spell is broken. Ben gives a violent start, blinking and shaking his head. Yasmina sees confusion flash across his face, and then realization. And now the embarrassment comes, but it’s darkened by something like horror.

Without a word, Ben turns and darts away, scrambling down the ladder to the alcove underneath the house where Bumpy’s napping.

Yasmina lets him go, too baffled and unsettled to form words.

 ~*~

 Eventually, Yasmina tells Darius about it.

His expression is troubled as she runs through the incident. But in the end, there’s nothing more he can tell her than what she’s already worked out on her own. It’s just another side effect of the mindset Ben has adopted throughout his isolation. Those habits were what he relied on to survive, and it’ll take time for him to realize he doesn’t have to constantly be on edge now that he’s got a team to look out for him.

Though privately, Yasmina wonders if maybe the rest of them should take a page out of Ben’s book. Seems like he’s got a better handle on survival than they do.

(And then she thinks how Sammy would react, if Yasmina started acting like a wary animal around her, and she realizes Ben’s methods come with a price.)

 ~*~

 After Ben runs the Compies off for the first time, staring becomes a defense tactic.

It’s not always the Compies, who are slowly but surely learning not to mess with him. Sometimes it’s the Parasaurolophus in the river, or the lone Pteranodon perched in a tree, or the group of Edmontosauruses grazing on the hilltop. As soon as he feels their eyes on him, he knows his best chance is to stare back, to show that he’s willing to put up a fight, that chasing him wouldn’t be worth it.

Obviously, there are some dinosaurs that doesn’t work on. But if Ben can drastically cut down the amount of time spent running for his life by standing his ground, then he’ll take it.

All he has to do is not back down.

 ~*~

 Ben avoids Yasmina for the next few days.

 ~*~

 Brooklynn wakes up in the middle of the night with an unshakeable feeling that something is wrong.

Her bad feeling is confirmed when she gets a look at the moon. Based on its position in the sky, she should’ve been woken up by Ben to take her night watch shift at least an hour ago. This practice, established by Darius months ago who insisted they should always have at least one person awake, has already become routine within the group. Brooklynn couldn’t sleep fully through the night if she tried.

Ben’s only just recently become a part of the routine. Immediately after his return, Darius thought it best just to let Ben settle in and get as much rest as he could, now that he had the security to do so, and everyone agreed. Ben had insisted he didn’t mind, but Darius stood firm, so it’s only been within the last few days that Ben took part.

But this is the first time he hasn’t woken Brooklynn up and her heart is in her throat as she rushes to the lookout point-

Only to find Ben sitting right where he’s supposed to be, looking out over their compound as a small candle burns next to him.

As soon as Brooklynn’s relief passes, it’s replaced with anger. “What are you doing?” she whispers furiously.

Ben, not at all surprised by her presence, gives her a sidelong look. “What does it look like I’m doing?”

“You were supposed to wake me up, so I could do night watch.” Brooklynn struggles to keep her voice low, so as not to alert the others. “What gives?”

Ben shrugs. “I knew I wasn’t gonna sleep tonight, so I figured I’d just take the whole watch myself.”

“That’s not how this works,” Brooklynn hisses, crossing her arms. “Even if you can’t fall asleep- and I’ve totally been there- you have to lay down and close your eyes and rest. You need to rest.”

Ben breaks into an easy smile, but Brooklynn can see the annoyed creases at his eyes. “Hey, it’s fine. I can-”

“Take care of yourself, I know,” Brooklynn interrupts, hating how frustrated she sounds but unable to help it. “But you don’t have to. We’re a team. We can take care of you too, alright?”

Ben stares at her for a moment. “I know that,” he says, sounding uncertain.

Brooklynn softens. When she reaches out to put a hand on his shoulder, he lets her. “Then… why?”

“I don’t know,” Ben admits. The muscles beneath Brooklynn’s hand are so tense, it feels like they’re going to snap. “I don’t know.”

They finish the night watch together.

 ~*~

 Brooklynn almost hates to bring it up to Darius.

Dude’s stressing almost nonstop about everything, all the time. And it really isn’t fair for him to be responsible for the rest of them, including Ben. But Darius is the only one who seems to have the… what’s it called, emotional intelligence, she supposes, to weigh in on the situation.

(Sammy is a close second, but her brand of caring is a little more touchy-feely, and this doesn’t seem like the right time for that.)

Darius is immediately worried, pointing out that Ben might accidentally fall asleep on watch if he keeps this up (something Brooklynn hadn’t even thought about). He promises to talk to Ben about it, and that’s that.

Brooklynn is only slightly relieved because she knows if Darius had a real fix for the problem, he would’ve said so. And if Darius doesn’t have a fix for it, maybe there isn’t one.

 ~*~

 Those first several nights, Ben doesn’t sleep at all.

And it’s not for lack of trying. But how can he sleep, when it’s pitch black and the jungle is full of unfamiliar sounds and he’s got no one but a baby Ankylosaurus by his side? He soon finds it’s even worse without Bumpy, though, because at least he trusted that Bumpy would wake up if there was any danger, as her senses are more powerful than his.

On his own, there’s no one to wake him up. So he has to stay up, and settle for catching short scattered naps throughout the day (if he can find a tree to hide up in).

It’s hard, but he’d rather be tired than dead.

 ~*~

 Ben is taken off night watch, but still ends up awake more often than not.

 ~*~

 Pyromaniac is a word no one ever expected to become synonymous with Ben, and yet here they are.

It’s one of the first things he always suggests as an answer to a problem; blow something up. Darius has a million reasons for them not to do that; they could get hurt, they could start a wildfire and burn the jungle down, they could attract unwanted attention from predators.

But that doesn’t stop Ben from cataloguing everything on the island that can be used as an explosive, memorizing their locations or creating hidden stashes. It doesn’t stop him from using the candles that came with the scavenged emergency kits. He’ll light them for no reason, just to watch the small flame flicker back and forth.

(Someday, months later, they’ll encounter a horrific hybrid dinosaur that is drawn to flames, and they’ll all think about how unsettling it is that Ben shares this trait, but none of them will say it.)

 ~*~

 It’s been one week since Bumpy left, and Ben is starting a fire.

Just a small one. It rained all day and he’s soaked to the bone, which normally wouldn’t be a huge problem considering the jungle climate. But now that it’s nighttime, there’s a chill in the air and he can’t afford to get sick. It’s risky, because at night he knows the light could draw attention to him, but his teeth are starting to chatter so there’s no helping it.

When a Stegosaurus stumbles upon him, baying low and angry at finding another creature in its territory, it’s the fire that makes it balk. Rumbling displeasure, it retreats back into the dark jungle. Ben quickly adds torches to his arsenal, using the rest of his shirt as tinder.

Fire is safety.

 ~*~

 Ben lights his candles in silence.

 ~*~

 “You can’t just run off like that,” Kenji says, deadly serious.

Ben scoffs. “I think you’re forgetting who defeated Toro,” he says with an easy smile.

“You’re not invincible, Ben!” Kenji snaps. The anger churning inside him is deceptively hollow, like it’s masking something else. “And I can’t lose you again.”

Ben isn’t smiling anymore. “You won’t,” he mutters, pushing past Kenji. “I can take care of myself, now. I don’t need you to play the hero and protect me.”

Kenji wants to protest that’s not what this is about, and that’s never been what this is about, but Ben is already gone.

 ~*~

 Ben still lives off berries and grubs.

 ~*~

 “… and so I was thinking, berries have seeds in them, right? So if we plant some, we’ll have our own berry bushes at the clubhouse. It’ll cut down our foraging time in the mornings for sure, and-”

“Uh, who are you talking to, Ben?”

Ben blinks at Yasmina’s voice, the girl having only just entered the room.

“Um, Bumpy?” he says, as if this should be obvious.

Yasmina glances out at the compound, where Bumpy is fast asleep and well out of earshot.

“… right.”

 ~*~

 Ben can’t sleep, even when he’s actually trying.

 ~*~

 “Alright,” Darius says, “so we need to get the T-Rex out of Main Street so we can do another sweep for supplies. Any ideas?”

Ben’s hand goes up.

“For the hundredth time, Ben, we aren’t going to feed the T-Rex to the Mosasaurus.”

Ben’s hand goes down.

 ~*~

 Ben feels more at home with Bumpy than the other campers.

 ~*~

 “You know we didn’t mean to leave you, right? We would’ve come back for you if we’d known…”

 ~*~

 Ben never talks about getting off the island.

 ~*~

 “You have to tell us where you’re going, Ben, you can’t just disappear-”

 ~*~

 Ben keeps slipping away.

 ~*~

“Blowing stuff up isn’t the answer to everything!”

~*~

 Ben keeps saying he’s okay.

 ~*~

 “We’re a team, we have to work together-”

 ~*~

 Ben keeps smiling.

 ~*~

 “Don’t you trust us to protect you?”

 ~*~

 Ben doesn’t know.

 ~*~

 Sammy finds Ben sitting on the roof of the clubhouse one day.

Her footsteps are loud and obvious as she approaches him. No chance of sneaking up. She knows he’s noticed her, from the subtle shift in his body. He doesn’t acknowledge her, though, continuing to stare off over the jungle and into the horizon, his skinny legs slotted through the railing and dangling over the edge.

The sun’s about to set, a few stars already twinkling in the purple edges of the sky. Sammy can remember another night, months ago, where Ben wasn’t here but everyone else was and they spotted bonfire smoke in the distance. She remembers the way her heart raced, the overwhelming joy and relief flooding through her. And yet, there had been undeniable heartache, because the realization that they’d made it out only meant it was more unfair that Ben hadn’t.

Sammy breaks the silence after a few moments.

“Are you okay?”

Ben doesn’t look at her, but she can see the easy smile that slants across his face, dying sunlight reflected in his eyes.

“Yeah.”

Sammy sees the lie for what it is. None of them are okay. No one who’s been through what they have would be. But there’s a certain danger that comes with not being willing to admit it, and an even greater danger that comes with not being able to see it.

“Y’know, it’d be fine if you weren’t.”

Ben doesn’t answer.

Sammy sits with him until the sky turns dark.

 ~*~

 It’s the way he struggles to eat anything he hasn’t obtained by himself.

It’s the way he sometimes goes off on his own without telling anyone.

It’s the way he talks to himself when he thinks no one else is around.

It’s the way he takes any concern for his safety as a personal attack.

It’s the way he leaps at the chance to blow something up.

It’s the way he can stare silently for hours.

It’s the way he smiles a little too easily.

 ~*~

 It’s not jumping at every unexpected movement, or screaming awake from night terrors, or flinching away from the slightest touch. It’s not loud meltdowns or hysterical sobbing or uncontrollable fits of rage.

(Even though those will come, someday, when the island is just a memory.)

It’s the little things, that- once you notice them- keep piling up.

And suddenly, they don’t seem so little anymore.

 ~*~

#jurassic world camp cretaceous #camp cretaceous #jwcc #jwcc fanfic #my writing

[kalaluchi]

chapter 06: anime

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“Hey, nice wings!”

“Sorry, what?”

Marinette suddenly wanted to bury herself in a hole from embarrassment.

The moment Adrien walked in that morning, she’d noticed the telltale Wings of Freedom keychain hanging from his bag. And, sure, they’d been talking on end for nearly a month now. But still she’d spent the whole day just working up the courage to approach him and mention the keychain, thinking maybe, finally, they’d have something more to talk about other than school work and the occasional small talk, because mostly he talked about things she already knew from stalking him… not like she was going to tell him that, though.

And yet… yet he stood there, obvious confusion in his gorgeous green eyes, with a perfectly shaped eyebrow raised, like he had no idea what in the world she meant. Like the silver item was absolutely not hanging from the strap of his bag. Even though it so was.

Hence-- the want to bury herself in a hole. Ever the brave heroine, Marinette instead swallowed hard and forced a smile. “Hanging on your bag. It’s Wings of Freedom from Attack on Titan. I thought you having it meant you’d watched AOT. I guess not? You should though, it’s one of my favorite shows. Uh, I mean, not that you have to, you know, of course, I mean, who am I to force you to watch something, I just meant--”

Adrien cut her off with a chuckle. “Oh! I forgot I left that hanging there. I actually have watched it though. I remember binging it one summer a few years back.” His smile to himself, probably remembering simpler times.

Marinette relaxed, and grinned. “I know what you mean. My parents used to get mad at me for sneaking down at midnight to watch episodes as soon as they were released. Uh, so are there any other animes you like, or is it just that one…?”

“I used to watch a lot, but that was back when I had a lot of time, you know?” He ran a hand through his hair nonchalantly. (How did he do that so effortlessly…)

“Mhm!” Marinette nodded emphatically, mesmerized. “Me too! Uh, hey! Why don’t we, uh, watch something… together? There’s an anime I’ve been wanting to watch, but I haven’t… had a solid enough reason to. Although, of course, we don’t have to if you don’t want to,” she added hastily. “I-I just thought it’d be fun, you know, since we both hadn’t watched in a while--”

“Sounds fun!”

“I mean, I don’t expect you to agree, I-- what did you say?”

Adrien chuckled. “I said, ‘sounds fun.’ What did you want to watch?”

“Uh.” Still reeling from the shock that he’d agreed so quickly, Marinette pulled out her phone. “I forgot the name, but I’m pretty sure I had it on a list, lemme check.” She unlocked it and scrolled through her notes.

Once she found it, she grinned triumphantly, feeling lucky that she’d managed to get this far in the conversation. “Here, it’s called, uh… ah.”

Marinette suddenly felt shy, her luck all gone. It seemed like cruel fate that this particular anime was next on her list, for her and Adrien to watch together. She cleared her throat. “It’s, uhm, called Kaguya-sama: Love is War. You might not like the genre, though, so it’s okay if you wanna watch something else…” Please let him want to watch something else. I won’t be able to take this internal torture, Marinette pleaded to the skies silently.

Instead, Adrien’s eyes shone excitedly. “Oh, I’ve heard of that! The one where the guy and the girl like each other, but neither wants to lower their pride and admit it, right? So they come up with situations to force the other one to confess? They’re so funny-- it's adorable!”

“More like relatable,” Marinette coughed to herself.

“Sorry, I didn’t catch that…?”

Marinette forced a laugh. “I said, ‘yup! Adorable.’”

“So, when should we start watching? You free Saturday night?”

“Sure,” she said immediately, not one to turn down a possible? date with her crush.

Then her brain caught up with her heart, and she groaned. Saturday nights were movie-night-with-Alya nights… she was sure the brunette would not let a boy overrule movie nights. Even if that boy were radiant… carefree… dreamy… Adrien.

But what if… she merged movie night and anime night? Anyway, it was her turn to host movie night and choose what to watch. She had a feeling Alya would enjoy watching Kaguya-sama, especially knowing its summary… Marinette really didn’t want to be on the receiving end of Alya’s schemes yet again, but if it made it possible to watch with Adrien and Alya… she supposed it would be worth it just this once.

“Something wrong?”Adrien’s voice cut in, his brow creased. “If you’re not free Saturday night, it’s cool we can resched.”

“No! We’re good, I’m good, you’re handsome-- I mean, it’s… awesome.” She cringed inwardly. “I can definitely do Sat, no prob-o. But, uh… is it okay if I invite Alya? I mean, the more the merrier, right?”

She almost thought Adrien looked disappointed at this, but if he were, he hid it well. “Cool, I love Alya,” he said easily, grinning. (Marinette chose to ignore the pang that hit her at this. Why just Alya? How about an ‘I love Marinette’ as well? She fought the urge to sigh.) “We can invite Nino as well so it’s… even more fun I guess?”

“Mhm, sounds like a plan. I’ll tell Alya, and you tell Nino?”

“Okay,” he said, waving goodbye and heading to his seat as the bell rang for class.

‘I’ll tell Alya,’ huh? A lot easier said than done, Marinette thought, unsure how to break the news to her best friend.

.

.

.

“Alya,” Marinette started an hour later, after planning out an entire speech and writing down bullet points to rebut any arguments her best friend might have.

It all went out the window when the latter held up a hand, giving the ravenette a knowing smile.

“No need to explain, I know.”

“Wha--”

“Considering we sit beside each other, you pass on information pretty slowly. It’s been, like, 2 periods…”

Marinette spluttered, “I-- how-- who-- what.”

Alya held up her phone and waved it around. “Hello? These exist? Nino texted me the second our break ended… (Though why he didn’t just… tell me outright… I have no idea.) We’ve been texting back and forth, planning.”

Marinette practically sagged in relief. “Oh, thank goodness.” She let out the breath she didn’t know she’d been holding. “Alya, you are absolutely the bestest friend ever, I don’t deserve you--”

“Hold your horses, don’t get all sappy on me yet,” Alya interrupted, holding up a finger. “You’re not cleared yet. One: I never thought you’d be the type of girl to ditch her best friend as soon as she got a boyfriend--”

“He’s not--!”

“--but,” Alya continued, ignoring Marinette’s profuse protests, “I completely forgive you, because I know you, and I know your heart often speaks before your brain can, and I know that you would never ditch me on purpose, especially when our agreement came first.”

Marinette gave the brunette the best puppy-dog eyes she could manage. “Alyaaaaa, you know I love you, right?”

Alya rolled her eyes playfully. “Yes, girl, I know. Now put that expression away, it's creeping me out,” she laughed. “And I know you’re going to ask, so yes, there is a way to make it up to me, and that is: you have to invite Adrien to watch with you… like physically. Not over video call like we sometimes do. I want there to be popcorn and blankets and everything. If you two end up cuddling, even better.”

“Cuddling?!” Marinette whisper-shouted, beet red. “Wh-why would we--! I don’t want to--! mean, yes, it would be nice, but we are just friends. Okay?”

The brunette laughed at her best friend’s reaction. “You got it. But do we have a deal? You invite your boy over, I’ll come up with an excuse not to go, you bring me two packs of my favorite candy for our next movie night-- and I do not dwell over the fact that you forgot me, your best friend forever, when making plans with Adrien, the love of your life.”

Marinette wisely opted to ignore that last bit Alya said, and nodded firmly, shaking the latter’s outstretched hand.

“Deal.”

.

.

.

Adrien was packing his bag when Marinette walked up to him at the end of the day.

“Hey, Adrien, about our anime thing on Saturday--”

“Anime?” a voice interrupted snarkily. Marinette turned and found none other than Chloe Bourgeois standing behind her, one hand on her hip. “You seriously still watch that stuff? Isn’t it, like, for kids or something?” She let out a laugh. “Although I don’t know why I expected any different from you, Marinette Dupain-Cheng.”

Marinette was about to shoot back a retort when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

“Chloe,” Adrien said patiently, “we’ve talked about this. Anime isn’t just for kids. Remember how our parents wouldn’t let us watch Attack on Titan when we were 9 because it was scary? Anime can actually have different genres and all, and I think that’s pretty neat. I’m pretty excited actually to start a new one with Marinette.” (Marinette thought she’d faint at this. But she managed to keep her cool.)

“Oh, Adrikins, I totally agree!” Chloe said sweetly, batting her eyelashes. (Marinette fought the urge to throw up.) “I was only joking with Marinette, of course! Ha ha! Like friends do! I love anime! So, about this new show-- maybe I could watch it with you, hmm?”

“That okay with you, Marinette?”

Hell no. “Sure thing!”

This was going to be a disaster.

.

.

.

Adrien and Chloe showed up at her place 7pm that Saturday.

The plan was to binge as many episodes as they could. Marinette had set up her room with tons of pillows, so they could be comfortable watching from the floor. (Well… her and Adrien anyway. She was 99% sure Chloe would get just bored immediately and end up scrolling through social media, but whatever.)

They made their way up to her room after they’d greeted her parents. (Marinette did her best to ignore the raised eyebrows her parents gave her, silently asking about Chloe’s presence. She herself honestly had no idea what to say about it.) Chloe flopped onto the couch in the middle of the room, crossing her legs as she unlocked her phone. Typical. But Marinette really hadn’t expected anything else, so she ignored the blonde.

She set up the TV and brought bowls of popcorn to the piles of pillows where Adrien sat. She shyly took a seat beside him, grinning as she hit the play button.

They both settled in as the first episode began playing, starting with a speech likening love to war, wherein the person who falls in love first loses.

Marinette frowned at that. She wanted to disagree, but she kept her mouth shut when she saw the way Adrien was engrossed in watching. She noted the way his lips turned up at every joke and mouthed the words to the theme song.

She felt her heart squeeze at the sight. The opening speech be damned, she’d never feel like she was on the losing side if she got the chance to fall in love with this precious boy.

Marinette looked at his hand on the floor, and tentatively reached out to put her own on top of his. So close--

She froze when she felt Chloe plop down beside her, ready to hear the blonde call her out on what she was trying to do. Instead, Chloe had her eyes glued to the TV, watching Kaguya and Shirogane’s antics with rapt interest. Marinette nearly jumped when the other girl burst out in laughter at Shirogane’s attempts to give love advice.

She still wanted to figuratively strangle Chloe for ruining her almost-moment, but as she watched both her companions drink in the show she’d put on, Marinette thought that this might not turn out to be so bad, after all.

.

.

.

“So, what did you think, Chloe?” Adrien asked as the three of them stood outside the bakery, waiting for Adrien’s and Chloe’s cars to pick them up.

“It was… okay,” she scoffed, going for a nonchalant tone. “Nothing special, I guess.”

(Chloe actually absolutely loved it, Marinette could tell, but of course the blonde would never for the life of her admit it.)

“But maybe they were kinda cute. I don’t see why people would flock to that kind of thing, though. I mean… where would you even download it, you know?” She flipped her hair over her shoulder. “Not like I really want to know, duh. It was a rhetorical question, of course. Up to you if you want to answer, but I really couldn’t care less.”

Behind her back, Adrien and Marinette shared a smile and a fist bump. Marinette made it a point to loudly mention the name of the site they’d watched on, adding, “I mean, I’m sharing that just as a random fact, of course.”

Chloe typed something on her phone quickly, and huffed as her car pulled into the driveway. “Whatever, loser. Bye, Adrikins!” she said instead, getting in the backseat.

“Sorry about inviting Chloe,” Adrien immediately apologized once it was just the two of them. “I really didn’t know Alya wouldn’t be coming, and Nino only told me right before that he wouldn’t be able to make it. Sorry for ruining your night.”

“No worries,” she said lightly. And surprisingly, she meant it. Not only did she get to spend hours with her crush, she also got to see a different side of Chloe Bourgeois, a side that made her think maybe the blonde was human after all. “It was surprisingly fun even with her around. And I really enjoyed watching Kaguya. I… learned a lot.”

His eyes sparkled with amusement. “Really? What did you learn? Do enlighten me.”

“Your ride’s here,” she only said, pointing behind him.

He laughed. “What perfect timing, gave you an excuse to avoid my question. You must be hiding something.”

“I really don’t know what you mean,” she replied, grinning.

“Good night, Marinette,” he said, turning to leave.

“Good night, Adrien,” she echoed, stuffing her hands in her jacket pockets and watching the car drive away.

She looked up at the stars, remembering one of the episodes they’d just watched, and wondered what she’d do if she’d been in Kaguya’s shoes. She wanted to say she’d have been more firm about her feelings… but she had a feeling when the time came, she might find herself frozen in shock as well.

But one thing was for sure. There was no way she was going to deny her feelings any more. She most definitely liked Adrien Agreste as more than a friend, whether or not he liked her back. (Though of course she hoped it was the former.)

She was absolutely determined to make active decisions to get to know this blond-haired green-eyed boy more. No scheming and coming up with mind games to force him to confess. She’d confess if she had to, on her own terms.

And hopefully, hopefully, the day would come when she could say she’d won the war that they call love, and when she could say, without a doubt, that he was hers.

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#adrinette april 2021 #adrinette #miraculous ladybug #idk what im doing sorry #ml #mlb #mlbcn #adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #adrienette #mlb fics #adrinetteapril2021 #kaguya-sama love is war #day 6: anime

[untamedunrestrained]

The Untamed and Mo Dao Zu Shi

These past eight days have been surreal.

I have drowned so fully in this story that it feels like I am just surfacing.

On Valentine’s Day, fandom on tumblr reblogged this fanart of WangXian by qulfeeh and I was intrigued. The reblog was tagged with two important key words ‘Wangxian’ and ‘The Untamed’. In the brush of a few keystrokes I came across the Wikipedia page for a show known as the Untamed that was available on Netflix. The thing that stood out was that it was based on a BL novel and that both the very male protagonists were described as each other’s soulmates and somehow that was enough. So, I opened Netflix and after like a second of hesitation I started watching the show and I didn’t stop. I started at eight in the evening and I watched nine episodes in a row which basically meant I was up till five in the morning. What followed seems like a record for me. I finished all fifty episodes of the Untamed in under seventy-two hours.

I put hardly five minutes of thought into my decision to watch this story and ended up dedicating the past eight days straight. The first three days to the live action drama and the past five to reading the novel.

If it isn’t obvious this story is that good.

The Untamed

The Untamed is a first for me on so many levels. I have never watched a Chinese show before ever and that seemed extremely significant to me because China is actually a neighbouring country yet as far as my mind is concerned it might as well be on another planet. Which seems particularly odd considering shows from English speaking countries like the UK and the US are a staple for me which makes these countries feel so much closer though they are geographically on the other side of the planet. Of course, a major factor is the language barrier but another is the political scenario between our two countries and amazingly this show made me realise how much of an impact perceiving different cultures can have on your perception of their people. It has literally opened up a whole new world for me that I have just realised I have never taken the moment to discover. Well, considering this is me we are talking about, how appropriate, that it would be a drama based on a BL novel that unlocked this whole new world for me.

I have tried reading a Danmei novel before which was awful and it completely turned me off the genre but it did have a side effect of educating we about elements of a wuxia novel which made this xianxia world seem a little familiar but even if it hadn’t, I would have still been hooked.

It didn’t take long for The Untamed to find a new fan and I have been obsessing over it ever since.

The Untamed is an amazing drama which revolves around the love Lan WangJi and Wei WuXian have for each other and the plot is so intriguing that you wouldn’t be able to stop even if you tried (I didn’t because that thought didn’t even manage to enter my mind).

It’s a love story and that is undisputable for me, they don’t say it, it isn’t mentioned but there is this palpable force influencing events and you know they love each other. I have somehow really disregarded how much a show can show you stuff without ever explicitly stating it but The Untamed set me straight in that regard. I doubt anyone who watches the show would mistake it for anything but the love story it is.

Wei WuXian was an instant hit for me. He is a lovable, gregarious character always up to mischief but is someone who always wants to be on the side of justice and I have a weak spot for characters with a hard on for justice. He is just such a lively character who keeps smiling all the time that it’s just hard not to fall for him in minutes. His antics and his demeanour are so charming that you’re hooked. He would have easily been my most favourite character in any other drama that doesn’t have a Lan WangJi.

Lan WangJi is an amazing character. In a world, which has become increasing about everyone voicing their opinions (like I’m doing at present) it is hard to believe that people like Lan WangJi exist. People who are quiet, who don’t speak unless absolutely necessary. He is literally the embodiment of tranquillity and more important he is Wei WuXian’s hero. Like literally he protects him like he’s protecting his life which on second thought he definitely is.

I literally had second-hand embarrassment from how obviously romantic these two are.

Hands down the best thing I have watched in 2020 by far! The characters are amazing, the plot is intricate and it is so, so interesting. I watched almost fourty hours of this series non-stop and I don’t remember a single point where I felt like the story became boring for a second which now that I think about it is, is… astonishing. How can such a large drama be so engrossing? This isn’t binge-worthy there is literally no other way to watch the show!!!

Mo Dao Zu Shi

But after coming down from the high of the first seventy-two hours of being submerged in this world, I was reluctant to leave this world so much so that I didn’t even contemplate it. I had a wide variety of media to choose from. The story is based on a web series by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu that was made into a manhua, followed by an donghua, followed by an audio drama followed by The Untamed. It must speak to the universality of the story that the people are willing to read the same story in so many different formats, I know I’m not done.

But, high up on my list was the source material, one of the articles described the show as being extremely faithful to the novel, which made me want to jump on that wagon posthaste, and I agree whole-heartedly. I read the translation by Exiled Rebels Scanlations and what struck me was how the show and the novel were tonally the same. I had switched mediums but it didn’t feel like a different story or like I was reading different characters which is shocking because that’s literally how good the show was at translating words into video.

Differences

One of the startling things about the book is that it really ties up the plot neatly. There are tons of plot points that aren’t as completely resolved on the show as they are on the novel which I only ever realised after reading the novel. A lot of this had to do with how certain details of the plot are different. A classic example that the reason behind the scars on Lan Zhan’s back is different in the two. In the novel, LWJ whisks WWX away from the Nightless City after he massacres and pretty much beats-to-a-pulp the entire alliance of sects. LWJ then has to tend to WWX so they remain in hiding for three days. When cultivators from the GusuLan Sect finally discover the two, LWJ has to defeat all of them to keep WWX safe and that’s why he is given one whipping for every cultivator he defeated. Of course, since WWX dies on the battlefield in the show this couldn’t be the reason behind the scars so they have LWJ defend Burial Mounds which wasn’t all that fruitful considereing the LanlingJin Clan does end up with a lot of WWX’s artifacts, there was no point in defending Burial Mounds as he couldn’t have kept it up in the long run but him going to Burial Mounds after the massacre at Nightless City is important to ensure they story can credibly reveal Lan ShiZui to be A-Yuan. So, yeah differences, the show focuses on the Wen Clan and the Yin Iron while the novel doesn’t have the Yin Iron at all and focuses on Jin GuangYao. But, despite the differences the story still feels coherent between the two mediums mainly because the relationship between LWJ and WWX that is at the core of both remains central to the plot at all times.

The plot of the novel though is extremely intricate and the author does an amazing job of deconstructing it which makes it easier to understand what’s happening while the show in hindsight does get away with sweeping up certain loose ends.

Of course, the kisses and the sex are gone but I will gladly take that cliff scene in exchange. I was actually shocked that the novel actually doesn’t dwell on WWX’s first death at all. Like, we don’t even know how exactly he died in the novel and this was hsocking given how pivotal that cliff scene is in the show.

Characters

Surprisingly though a lot of the roles of side characters were expanded for the show, the novel seems to have delivered a better understanding of these characters. The biggest example for me being Jiang Yanli.

She has an elaborately expanded role in the show which does highlight how deep her bind with her brothers particularly WWX is but somehow she seems like a timid character among a bunch of very strong characters. What the novel does is that it gives you a very realistic picture of her, she might not seem like a significant influence on the story but her impact is far-reaching. The novel doesn’t showcase much of her character but the scenes that feature her in the book are some of the most poignant ones and incidentally those are the same ones that stand out in the show. I feel like novel did a better job of showing off her strength. While, in the show I couldn’t look beneath her timid demeanour the novel manages to showcase the strength of her love. She cares deeply and loves deeply and the novel manages to show you the courage it takes to love someone so deeply. I definitely admire her character more and in fact I’m kind of in awe that someone who appears so traditional was so awesome. It felt easy to dismiss her character but reading the author’s words made me realise that I would be very, very wrong in doing so.

Wei WuXian might be the luckiest guy in the world to have a shijie like her followed by a husband like LWJ who both seem very determined to spoil the hell out of him. I might be experiencing some jealousy right now.

The author somehow manages to imbue her characters with qualities that makes them real and unique. Like WWX forgetting everybody’s face which is a real world problem that I have never seen anybody suffer from in a novel but just the fact that WWX doesn’t immediately bring his old hang-ups in his subsequent meetings with side characters didn’t only have hilarious consequences but made everything that much more intriguing and credible.

This author also does an amazing job of flipping characters. There are very few villains who are black and white in this story. WWX himself is a character caught in the gray of it all, universally reviled for standing up for the right reasons. This is a theme throughout the show and the novel where bad characters might be good and good might be bad but the author endeavours to show us all sides to a character. While this most definitely applies to Jin GuangYao, I’m surprised with how it resonates with Xue Yang who’s relationship with Xiao Xinchen can only be characterized with the words “It’s Complicated”. I don’t actually know what to think of these two Xiao Xingchen was definitely betrayed but can we ignore the fact that he found himself a companion in Xue Yang his sworn enemy and Xue Yang’s feelings for Xiao Xingchen are enough to drive me crazy. This guy has no idea how frustrating he is, that piece of candy clenched in his fist will drive me crazy for the rest of my life. The entire Yi City Arc is a big mess of grey there are no whites and blacks and the show underscores that with this quote –

Once upon a time, there was a little child who liked sweets very much. But because he had no parents nor money, he could never have such things. So he’d been dreaming if only someone could give him a candy every day.

Don’t even get me started on the music that plays in the background when this quote is being narrated.

There are just so many amazing things about the show and the novel. I mean the show might have actually worked harder to make things more romantic and one scene that I’m surprised isn’t from the book is the lantern scene with both of them making pledges like that particular scene neatly underlined who WWX is and would become. The hand-fastening scene is also not from the book but then there are other scenes and other delights to be found in the novels.

This story is definitely worth reading and watching for years to come. If anyone has any apprehensions about the novel I will be glad to clarify but the everything about “The Untamed” and “Mo Dao Zu Shi” stand in the same breath.

#wangxian #the untamed #mo dao zu shi #the grandmaster of demonic cultivation #lan wangji #wei wuxian #jiang yanli #xue yang #xiao xingchen #posts #myposts #mo xiang tong xiu #the show which reminded me what it was like to be obsessed #once more

[heyitsneen]

Buckle in because I have been on a RIDE the last few months so I wanna write it all out how BTS stole my whole soul.

I didn’t want to get into kpop even though i remember casually liking a couple shinee songs way back in like 2008 and coming across some kpop music videos when i lived in vietnam in 2012. all i remembered basically was ‘SHIIIIINNNEEEE’ lmao and remembered thinking it was fun but not really listening to it. I had a weird snobbishness against kpop fandom but secretly always knew from the glimpses of fancams and gifs and music vids i’d casually come across that if i looked into it i’d probably like it. I had no IDEA though how talented most kpop groups are and how much dancing was involved. I confess I had a really american view of pop groups and expected it to be all about looks and really poppy boy-band/girl-band, which I also do like...but didn’t put me in a rush to find out more about kpop. If I had realized how much they dance I know I would have looked more into it years ago because I love and respect dancing. I still knew I had the potential to like it if i ever looked into it, but I thought of it super shallow-ly so I never took the time to learn more. 

I remember years ago when Jin trended as ‘third guy from the left’ and i didn’t really know who he was at the time except that bts was pretty big and my college roommate casually liked them. I read through the comments on twitter at the time and was entertained and a little curious but didn’t look further. I remember seeing a pic as a result of the trend and finding out ppl called him World Wide Handsome and i found that hilarious and awesome and agreed with the assessment, I remember finding them all super handsome, but at this point still had only heard a little bit of Boy with Love.

Much later (years?) an NPR podcast I followed talked about Blackpink doing coachella and I got curious and watched a couple mvs and was really impressed but still casually. I now had a bit of a better respect for it but was still not really into it yet except thinking blackpink had bops and being generally vaguely aware that blackpink and bts were popular (i really didn’t realize how popular and how much music they were selling tbh).

Time passed and I forgot about it until about this april while I was bored in quarantine. I got SUPER into The Untamed and then super into finding out more about Wang Yibo...which lead to watching all of his dance stuff on youtube, which lead to a ton of stuff about Uniq. I was intrigued by kpop now because of learning more about Uniq, yibo, and then produce 101 and woodz but it was still casual.

I especially loved watching the dancing so I started watching dance compilations on youtube of kpop dancing. The whole dance practice thing amazed me and I had so much fun watching dances but wasn’t really getting into who was who yet or the music really. Then Taemin’s Move happened to me and I was HOOKED on that and watched it a ton of times in the next week or so while also watching playlists of generally popular kpop music vids. I started wanting to just see a bit of what was popular and was having a good time but not really hooked yet beyond quarantine boredom and knowing that looking up kpop dance vids was going to become a thing i did on youtube probably from then on.

By coincidence around this time the Daechwita music video came out and had a ton of views so i got curious and was in awe of it when I watched it. I loved the rapping, the hype-ness, the cinematography, the lyrics...everything. I learned then from the comment section that Agust D was actually Suga from BTS which instantly made me want to know way more about bts, but I was still stuck on thinking of them as pop and amazed that suga was such a good rapper. So I wanted to see how other people reacted to him and watched a ton of reaction vids of ppl reacting to Daechwita.

This made me curious about Suga and BTS so I watched DNA and Boy With Love and enjoyed those but they were more what I expected as more poppy songs, so at that point I just enjoyed it casually for the eye and ear candy, but I was amazed that agust d was one of the members in that group and the duality of that had me intrigued (i naively thought agust d/suga’s rapping was completely a separate persona than BTS, before I realized how talented suga, RM, and jhope are within bts too and how many of their songs have a lot of rap as well). So I wanted to learn more about BTS but just watching stuff by myself seemed boring so I binge watched reaction vids of people reacting to bts for the first time and learned way more about them along with youtubers and had a blast. Watching reaction vids at first felt like hanging out with other clueless friends all chatting about this thing new to us, so somehow it made everything feel more accessible to me especially while I missed casually browsing youtube with my friends during quarantine. Mic Drop was the first of their songs to get stuck in my head and had me specifically looking up the MV/listening to it and searching out ppls reactions to Mic Drop. Then I came across reactions to the 2019 mma performance and was blown away and watched a TON of reactions to that but I still didn’t know who anyone was and hadn’t looked into many lyrics but by then i was super impressed by the effort and performance level.

A turning point from casual fun interest to deeper stanning happened though when I watched a reaction vid someone made (unfortunately can’t remember who now) to Spring Day and the explanation of Spring Day. I was AMAZED at the intellectual and careful artistry in that music video and the heart put into it. This for me started to elevate my curiosity about bts specifically over just being curious about kpop in general. I decided to watch a bunch of reactions to ‘who is bts’ type of vids because i wanted to know their names at that point and I was blindsided by how impressed I was with their thought processes (specifically RM and Suga, especially at first), their individual strengths, their personalities in general, their bonds, their work ethic and ambition, and their inspirational story. I decided to watch their music vids on my own in chronological order and realized that there was reoccurring and connected story and symbolism in their music vids stretching for years and was SO HYPE about that and impressed by it (I love analyzing media, I even was briefly a film major so I was GEEKED about the artistry and symbols in their music vids even before I realized the references or how confusing and deep it ran and that made me like them even more). I googled about the storyline looking for theories/explanations and found the webtoon, which just blew my mind that they even had a webtoon! I read it in one night lol, I was in multimedia heaven honestly I have never heard of a music group being so into using so many mediums for entertainment and was definitely feeling so happy to get into it. THE WINGS SHORT FILMS were I think what officially elevated everything for me and made me know I’d always want to keep an eye on what they were putting out there because it was so so cool to me that they’d have this storyline in their music videos and also take the time to make these little artsy short movies I was SO IMPRESSED and blown away.

The real soul steeling happened though when I saw RM’s UN speech and started watching more compilations and reactions showing RM and Suga talking about their thoughts about their success and their music and learning about the relationships and personalities of the members...I quickly grew to appreciate each individual which really surprised me because how can one group be so complete and have 7 individually interesting people in it. I loved too that they all had their own solo stuff and were allowed to each shine in their own ways. It became about more than music for me at some point in there and I know now I’ll probably have warm feelings about them and want to root for them on a deeper level for a long time. Now their music is so enriched for me by all the behind the scenes stuff I’ve seen. I really in earnest then was mainlining all of the stuff I could in a mix of reaction vids to funny compilations to lyric breakdowns to finding an index that lists as much as possible in chronological order that I’m now watching through including their early vlogs and gameshows and it’s just so fascinating to me how much content they have documenting their whole journey and I am having such a fun and moving and inspiring time watching it. It’s really helped me during quarantine especially and now I can really say I am a really big fan of BTS and probably will be for a really long time.

I still sometimes watch other kpop music vids and have now seen all of TXTs stuff, but so far other groups haven’t grabbed my heart in the same way. I know at some point they probably will and I have been really impressed by the talent all throughout kpop in general that i’ve seen. I can usually only be obsessed with one thing at a time though lol, but I look forward to paying more attention in general to kpop from now on!

But there is something really special to me about BTS right now so I’m just letting myself bask in that obsession and it is so great. So many of their lyrics move me, RM and Suga alone are such interesting people that they alone would make me want to keep up with BTS. But then on top of that the rest are so great in their own ways too and Jimin along the way became probably my ‘bias’ though I really do like them all so much in their own ways that choosing one as a fave feels stupid. Then on the shallower note they are also beautiful, so there is that...but that is such a small piece of why I love them now. Kpop combos everything I love about music...the theatrics, the symbolism, the flashiness, the music, the makeup, the glam, the dancing, the fun, the inspiration, the acting, the iconography...and with bts it’s also a group of guys who are so intensely likable and root-able, with a huge amount of content, who reflect a lot on what it means to love yourself and know yourself and who are really open about how much effort goes into their crazy lives...and I am just upset that I didn’t know more about them years ago.

I can also completely see why fans are a bit obsessive and defensive about the genre and about their fave groups now...because the western media still doesn’t really get how impressive this stuff is and how much work goes into it. I mean already groups like one direction and other pop groups had to fight uphill battles for respect b/c for some reason pop music gets such a bad rep. But western media and ppl who never bother to look into kpop look down on it so dismissively as mindless pop or just about looks and are so extra condescending about it like these kpop groups are lucky to come to the US or something. There’s so much reluctance to embrace it even when it’s so popular, that fans have to shove it’s popularity in ppls faces for it to start to be accepted finally, and even now the attitude in media toward it seems pretty dismissive like it’s just temporary or about teenage girls or they focus on the fans and not the music...or they purposefully overly focus on negative or perceived negatives and look for things to discredit their accomplishments. In some ways the popularity BTS has accomplished is even more impressive to me than the beatles comparisons imply, because BTS did it with a language barrier, while dancing, and in the face of the US still being pretty racist against asians. It really is impressive, and even as a new fan I get so frustrated when people try to dismiss it as fad or minimize their successes and the mark on culture and music history that not just kpop but specifically BTS is making with these accolades and firsts.

Way too much western media focus goes to extra shit like: how young they are (they aren’t even really younger than a lot of american performers anyway), dismissing their involvement in the music process (freaking do your research and give credit where credit is due, many idols are more involved in their creative process than american singers anyway and even if they weren’t why are we suddenly caring about that?!), focusing on the rules they are under from companies (accept that it’s a different culture...also, disney anyone?), crediting their collaborators for their success more than them (sia added absolutely nothing to ON for example...and their success is not because of Halsey..and stop f-ing asking who they want to collab with), not giving credit for their dancing and over-focusing on live vocals without crediting them for singing /while/ dancing (that shit’s hard and no one is doing it like kpop, and even if sometimes live vocals get shaky the way people specifically nitpick and harp on that for them is so stupid when plenty of super popular ‘western’ singers also give some shaky live performances or also use a backing track all while dancing a hell of a lot less), criticizing them for makeup (i honestly think this is thinly disguised racism/fetishism at work because plenty of american male artists wear makeup and are not met with the uncomfortable comparisons to dolls and girls and sexualized criticism that american media gives this), dismissing them as just ‘pretty’, judging them for how the trainee system works (which they don’t really have control over, and is pretty hypocritical anyway when you consider how western music contracts and studios work...shadiness is intense in american music industry too), constantly wanting them to put more english into their music (spanish songs are getting radio play (tbh also not enough), and their global success keeping their korean lyrics proves anyway that we should be moving beyond caring so much about language barriers but the radio/media response is just so behind what people are listening to/buying and it’s frustrating how xenophobic it is). 

now that I know more about it, it’s so insulting how condescending some of the interview questions they get and some of the articles about kpop are because they act like kpop is some alien thing that’s lucky to break into the US as if the US is the center of everything and tbh it’s disrespectful and xenophobic and often racist. kpop is a whole package of entertainment and showmanship that honestly is way more work than most of the famous ‘western’ performers bring to their shows and music vids. I am not naive and I do know that language does affect radio play, but it’s not hard to look up lyric translations and music is really transcendent of language imo. It’s not like they need to be playing every new group or even a ton of korean music, I know that american radio is pretty guttless at the prospect of sharing ‘new’ stuff, it’s a lot of the same stuff repeatedly, but at the very least the groups and songs that are organically selling huge numbers and getting hugely popular should get the radio play that reflects some of that popularity. Really entertainers in the US should be trying to learn from the kpop scene and tbh it should be way more respected than the condescending reluctant attitude music media in the US especially has been giving it. I do feel like maybe the attitudes are changing and I hope they are. I really feel like it’s the future of pop and it’s really exciting for me now to finally know more about it and be more aware of it for the future.

#bts #bangtan sonyeondan #ramble #sorry this is so long but i might have a lot more bts stuff on my blog and i wanted to explain some of my discovery journey #i wish i wasn't ever so snobby about kpop #kpop is fun yall and if you have been stubbornly resisting it you might find eventually that you missed out! #i mean i know everyone has different tastes but there is so much entertainment in the kpop world even on top of the music #the music vids performances and dancing are so fun it is such a fun world that has opened up to me :) #i wish the world was more open to just letting people like what they like #music is fun for me again #haven't been so obsessed with music since savage garden and darren hayes #i mean i LOVE music but i often don't really get so interested or fannish about the people behind the music #so this has been so so so fun for me and reconnecting me with stuff i really do love like music makeup theatrics dancing pop etc #lady gaga comes the closest for me in providing this much theater with the music and i loved her for that in monster era #but sooooo many kpop groups bring that energy and i love it #and bts brings the positive messages too and has an it factor that even my overly cheesy sounding praise still doesn't quite capture for me

[johnny-boy-17]

STAR VS THE FORCES OF EVIL or The Art Student’s Awakening (A Review)

Oh hey, it’s another review by me that nobody asked for! Ok, this one is actually gonna mean a lot to me since this show is pretty much the reason I even started posting things on this site to begin with (thank you and curse you Tumblr), so I need to get it all off my chest. 

Short version: It’s really fuckin’ good, and y’all should check it out. The ending could have used a little more finesse, but it’s still pretty damn good.

Long version: *gasps for air*

Ok let’s start with the story. Yeah, it’s certainly a rollar-coaster. What starts out as a fun little-romp-of-the-week type of story...

...becomes this tale of power corruption, racism battle, and a tale of trust in one another and unity among the people.

Whether or not it handles that well seems to be half and half. On one hand, grace under fire this show is not. It does seem a little rushed in the last season, and you can really tell it wanted to be a bit longer, flesh out ideas, but didn’t have time for it (I blame the Mouse on that). 

I mean I dunno about you, but a show that introduces time travel right the fuck out of nowhere in a medium never seems to end well, this show is no exception.

That and they reeeeeaaaaaally try to knock you unconscious using a hammer with all the prejudice allegories.

On the other hand, good characters can make a shit story seem like high-class art. And good characters this show has in spades (no eclipsa-related pun intended).

Firstly, Star Butterfly herself. It seems stupid not to start with her. And... yeah she’s a really fun protagonist. Not only is she basically Sailor Moon hyped up on too much nose candy, but she has an incredible story of growth to go with. She starts as a fun-loving monster battler that’s too eager to run away from her problems to this teenager facing the looming shadow of adulthood head on and ready to ditch her past of monster-ism(?) for good, never to let such discrimination see the light of day again. Not to mention Eden Sher just absolutely brings this character to life, even if it’s just little things she says like “yeah totally totally totally” or “we got burger juice on the wall rug.” Something in her performance just absolutely friggin’ works wonders. I’d say she’s probably one of my favorite protagonists out there that “the big D” has come up with, but my favorte character they’ve created in a looooong time? That award... 

... goes to mother-fuckin’ Marco Ubaldo Diaz. I cannot BELIEVE how much they won me over with this guy. I think it’s because I saw so much of myself in this guy to the point where I am convinced he’s my long-lost brother. This B0I starts out as this paranoid play-it-safe ‘nother brick in the wall type who just wants to get through his teenage life without any kind of trouble, and by the end is a guy who’s ready to shrug off getting impaled by an evil unicorn being ridden by a corrupted version of Star’s half-demon ex just to get him to snap out of it (it just now dawns on me how fuckin’ batshit this show is). I just love how as he’s easing up on his paranoia, he learns to stop taking himself so seriously and let loose every now and then. Adam McAruther deserves praise for playing this guy, and I don’t know who could ever play this guy like he did. If no other takeaways for this show were to be, it’d be that Marco is in a lineup of my favorite fictional characters of all time.

Now I sense some ears (ok fine all ears) are waiting for me to talk about the two together, so I’ll touch on it once, and make an entire post on it later: It’s great. It’s pleasing to the eye, it’s wholesome for the soul, it makes them both into better beings, the opposite attracts thing is done beautifully, the chemistry could make Bill Nye proud, and I think their ending was as good as it could be for them... though I do hate how long it took to get there. 

OK LIGHTNING ROUND GO (can’t get ‘em al, so sorry):

-Tom: I like the guy, definitely a more relatable and visible character arc and his design is neat.

-Jackie: I wish my lesbian venice beach girl got more appreciation, but I luv her none the less.

-Janna: I luv my strange bisexual filipino witch-wannabee (you know what I said is true don’t deny it)

-Moon: Never really gave her full trust, but was not disappointed by her in any way, despite various actions in the end.

-River: I liked him in the beginning season, sorta trailed off by the end.

-Kelly: Not sure why she was there, but she was cool.

-Eclipsa: We stan that queen! Loved the fact that her motives were so grey, and you every could tell if she was going to turn out to be truly bad or not.

-Globgor: We stan that king! I adored how he actually was a threat back in his day, but now regrets everything he ever did then (plus him size shifting in fights is creative as hell), wish we could have had more of him, but it’s cool that we got any at all really.

-Glossaryck: I loved him, true chaotic neutral god. He was such a troll, and he has my respect (and to think all he wanted to do was die).

 -Ponyhead: I hope that sack of shit gets donated to a glue factory.

But what is a good story without good villains? Well, this show wants to have a ton of good ones, but nothing really sticks to the wall too well, though they do leave an impact.

LUDO: This is how to do  a comedic villain right. You have fun with him in the beginning, and then you make him into a legit threat the next, and by the end give him a redemption arc so as to let him go back on his old ways without soiling his actual good moments as an antagonist. He was the one who surprised me the most.

TOFFEE: Ooooohhhhhhhhh everybody loves this lawyer-lizard B0I and so do I. This guy’s plan was 1: not evil at all, 2: his methods were borderline black and grey, and 3: it was still going on in the background of the story of the entire show since his arival. His personality was cool, suave, persuasive, manipulative, downright terrifying sometimes, and he was just so good at it. While everyone certainly wishes we had more of him, what we got and how long le lasted just cements him as probably one of my all-time favorite villains ever really.

Ms. HEINOUS/METEORA: Oh shakespeare where art thou? Such a wondrous work this tragedey is. Heinous just starts out as a villain who pushes the patriarchy so you can say “fuck that shit,” tries to steal youth for herself, wants to kill Marco for ruining her perfection, y’know yahoo. But the moment you realize her name is Meteora, and what her past has been like... yeah, this is a fuckin’ shakespearian villain for certain. It gets to a point where you begin to agree with what she’s doing, and you’re glad thing turn out all right for her in the end, but god-damn she was such a captivating force to go up against. Scar can suck one compared to this.

MINA LOVEBERRY: I wanna say this was a good attempt at an Aku-type villain (humor and terror in perfect balance), but yeah she could have been handled better. For what we did get with her though, I’m content with it. It’s just funny to see hobo-usagi here just hulk out and talk with a southern accent about what is essentially senile racism n’ shit. There are hints to a tragic past that led to this, and that was nice, but overall not exactly a swan song.

In fact, that’s kinda how the whole ending was wasn’t it? It was serviceable, but nothing big to write home about. I could have definitely used a little more polish to flesh out some things, but we got left with enough to tide over I suppose, though I so wanna see more. 

I mean, look at this new world we were left with! Could you imagine a new season just exploring that? It sounds like so much fun! However, the crew have this “leave them wanting more mentality (ha! hope you were paying attention to that foreshadowing!),” not to mention I have seen the creator Madame Daron Nefcy encourage all the creative fans this show has to do all sorts of stuff (of which we seemed to have wasted no time and not even waited for the show to end to start doing *glares at the fan-made-starco kids everywhere*).

Really, at the end of it all, I’d compare this entire series to a friend doing a cannonball from a high-dive. First, you’re amazed that they decided to climb the ladder. Second, you’re in awe of the guts their showing to prepare for the jump. Third, you gawk as they actually did jump off into the water from the height. But fourth, you see them underwater and watch them un form the ball and into a weird janky zero-gravity water thing swimming up for air, not to mention you remembered they didn’t swan dive. But that doesnt mean the plunge was all that bad, you enjoyed watching all the steps to it, didn’t you?

Overall, the score I shall leave it at would be... 7.5/10, and an easy thumbs up approval. It’s ending and other aspects have a lot to be desired, but the story and characters are too good to ignore. 

Check it out if you haven’t already (probably binge it), and to Madame Nefcy (if by some stroke of a miracle you see this) thank you so much for creating this show. I am so glad I saw it despite my gripes, and I’d gladly see it again.

#star vs the forces of evil #svtfoe #My Shit Reviews

[themagiciansreccenter]

Author Spotlight: @kaci3po

Every week we interview a writer from The Magicians fandom. If you would like to be interviewed or you want to nominate a writer, get in touch via our ask box.

First things first, tell us a little about yourself.

By day I'm a health insurance claims processor and by night I'm a fanfic writer who has probably been in fandom longer than most people on this website have been alive. I have terrible taste in music and share my home with two dogs and five cats.

How long have you been writing for?

I've been writing fanfiction since 2005, but I've been writing in general since before Kindergarten. I was always a writer. Fanfic just helped me figure out where I was interested in aiming my efforts.

What inspired you to start writing for The Magicians?

I read the books years ago and liked them well enough until the last one. Julia and Alice were my favorite characters so when the show was announced, I put off watching it because I was convinced they would never do either of those characters justice. I eventually caved and binged it on Netflix and I'm really glad I did. The show is an entirely different beast than the books, and to be honest the show is way more in my wheelhouse. Watching 3x05 and then not having it addressed for the rest of the season left me really frustrated but I've always believed in writing the stories you want to see in the world so I dusted off my keyboard and got to work.

Who is/are your favourite character(s) to write? What it is about them that makes them your favourite?

Quentin is my favorite POV to write from. That voice comes pretty naturally to me. And I like writing him because I can identify with a lot of his issues and choices. But Eliot is my favorite to write from an outside POV because he has a very specific voice that you can have a lot of fun with. You can put some fairly outrageous things in his mouth and have it still be in-character, because that's the sort of guy he is. Even though I think I end up writing more drama than comedy, the latter is definitely my favorite to do and Eliot is such a great source for both.

Do you have a preference for a particular season/point in time to write about?

3x05 and 4x05. I'm not someone who comes up with great plots for fics. I admire people who can do that, but that's not the sort of writing I'm good at. What I like doing is "fix-it" or "fill-in-the-blank" type stuff. I like being given a situation and then figuring out how characters I already know would react to that circumstance. 3x05 and 4x05 are perfect for me because they showed just enough to leave the door wide open for speculation.

Are you working on anything right now? Care to give us an idea about it?

I'm toying with the idea of writing Margo's reaction if/when she ever finds out the full story about the mosaic timeline and the Conversation they had when they remembered. I find it interesting that until that moment, Margo was the person who had seen Eliot at his worst and still loved him, but she has no idea (as far as we know) about this new memory that Eliot himself considers his darkest and most shameful. Their friendship is one of the most important things on the show to me, so I am very curious about how she'll react to Eliot keeping all of that a secret if/when she eventually finds out.

How long is your “to do list”?

Not very long. Like I said, I'm not the sort of writer who comes up with tons of plots she'd love to write. I just ask questions based on canon and explore the answers.

What is your favourite fic that you’ve written for The Magicians? Why?

Probably 'all these young bodies turn,' which I did not realize was a title someone else had already used for a Queliot fic when I posted it so great minds, I guess. I liked writing that one because it let me explore the trope of quests demanding sacrifices and the fact that Quentin was very aware of that fact. I like the way the show twists and turns tropes on their heads and I liked getting to do that too, in my own small way.

Many writers have a fic that they are passionate about that doesn’t get the reception from the fandom that they hoped for. Do you have a fic you would like more people to read and appreciate?

Not really. Everyone's been super nice and supportive of my work in this fandom, probably more so than my writing actually warrants. I'm that person who (a lot like Quentin, actually) is sort of always surprised people like my work and want me around. Blindsided by it, to be honest.

What is your writing process like? Do you have any traditions or superstitions that you like to stick to when you’re writing?

I honestly don't have a process or rituals. I've never been the kind of person who likes writing from outlines or notes. I just sit at the keyboard and keep asking myself, "Okay...and what comes next?" I'm just as surprised by what comes out of my brain as the next person.

Do you write while the seasons are airing or do you prefer to wait for hiatus? How does the ongoing development of the canon influence and inspire your writing process?

I like to write while the episodes are airing, if possible. If I wait, I lose the inspiration and frantic drive to fix and fill in blanks. Once the entire season is out, it feels to me like it's been chiseled in stone and that's not as much fun for me to play with. Writing while the episodes are airing allows for interesting moments where your predictions turn out to be completely wrong but the canon spins you off in a new direction you never would've thought of.

What has been the most challenging fic for you to write?

"5 Times Quentin and Eliot Had to Have Uncomfortable but Necessary Conversations and 1 Time They Didn't Need to Talk at All." I honestly don't know why but writing that fic was like pulling teeth. I rewrote huge portions of it constantly and I'm still not fully satisfied with it.

Are there any themes or tropes that you like particularly like to explore in your writing?

I don't know that I've really gotten to explore this yet in The Magicians fandom, although after 4x05 I think I might, but my all-time favorite trope is the character who swears up and down they don't want to be in love and can't help falling anyway. Most of my all-time favorite couples fit into this trope and now with the reveal that Eliot rejected Quentin's interest in him, I can't wait to see them actually together once he gets his body back and decides to be brave.

Are there any writers that inspire your work? Fanfiction or otherwise?

Seanan McGuire is my biggest writing inspiration. If I could write half as well as she does, I'd be happy.

What are you currently reading? Fanfiction or otherwise?

The "Home For Wayward Children" series by Seanan McGuire is my latest obsession and I'm also listening to the audio book of "Anger is a Gift" by Mark Oshiro. Fanfiction-wise, I'm just devouring every post-4x05 fic AO3 has to offer.

What is the most valuable piece of writing advice you’ve ever been given?

This is a tough call because I've had some great mentors over the years, but the most helpful thing I've ever been told is to read everything I write out loud. It probably looks silly when I do it, but I do full-on dramatic readings complete with different voices and actually acting the parts of everything I write. I don't post it until I've done a complete read through with no complaints. Not only does this help you catch any grammar or spelling mistakes, but the biggest thing it does is help you make your dialogue more natural. I'm trained in scriptwriting, not prose, and in that genre all you really have to tell your story with is dialogue, so it's important to me that mine sounds like people really talk. I don't post something until I can read it out loud and think, "Yeah, that's how those characters actually speak."

Are there any words or phrases you worry about over using in your work?

I use ellipses way more than anyone probably should and I'm overly fond of pulling up sentences short with punctuation that's not grammatically correct but makes you read it in the exact cadence I want you to.

What was the first fanfic that you wrote? Do you still have access to it?

I don't remember what my first actually was about, but it was in the Friends fandom and probably Monica/Chandler. I don't have access to it anymore, and I tried googling around to see if it was still out there on the internet somewhere, but it doesn't seem to be. That's probably for the best because I'm sure it was absolutely awful.

Self-edit or Beta?

Self-edit. In a perfect world, I'd have stuff beta'd but it's been years since I had someone I trusted to do that. These days I just go over it with a fine-toothed comb and hope for the best.

Comments or Kudos/Reblogs or Likes?

Comments always make me happy and I obsessively read the tags on reblogs, but it doesn't bother me if someone doesn't take the time to do that. People have busy lives and sometimes you can really like something without having more to say about it other than, "This was good." So a like or kudos is fine by me.

Smut, Fluff or Angst?

Smut, then fluff. I don't really like writing angst. Fandom is my escape from the real world so I'd rather focus on happy stuff if I can.

Quick & Dirty or Slow Burn?

Quick and dirty as a writer, slow burn as a reader. I like to "get in quick, hit hard, and get out" as a writer. The fewer words I can convey something in, the better. But given the choice as a reader, I'll take a 100k+ slow burn any day. It's always so satisfying when you get to the end.

Favourite season?

Season Three

Favourite Episode?

4x05 and 3x05 are the obligatory answers, but I also absolutely loved the bank heist episode.

Favourite book?

The Magicians

Three favourite words?

Fuck, callipygian, & widdershins.

Want to be interviewed for our author spotlight? Get in touch here.

#the magicians #the magicians rec center #author spotlight #author spotlight: kaci3po

[cryptidofthekeys]

Savior from The Cold (Robbie the Zombie | G/T Story)

Robbie was humming softly to himself, he had went out for awhile, most likely to get away from all the noise and chaos of the SepticEgo household.

However it was cold outside this time, Schneeps had told him not to be outside for too long while bundling him up in some scarves and a thick hoodie.

Robbie didn't really like all this thick clothing wrapped around him, it's not as if he could freeze to death or anything, then again the last time his arm got frozen it snapped off like a twig ....maybe this was for the best...

He saw a bench finally, deciding it'd be a good place to stop and rest up for a bit, that and he was getting hungry too, good thing Chase had given him a snack or two, he must've figured the zombie would be out wandering for a pretty good while.

Chase had always looked out for him and so did Henrik, they were like parents at this point, which Robbie didn't mind much honestly, he was happy they all cared for him so much.

He finally took a seat on the bench and pulled out a sandwich, not wasting any time he dug straight into it, he was a rather messy eater so he got crumbs and stuff all over himself.

His head perked up when he heard some strange sounds, he looked around to see if there was a human nearby which to his surprise there wasn't...? Then what was those noises...?

He then heard a cough, it wasn't very loud but it still sounded like it was close to him, his eyes fell upon the bench, then they widened when he saw... A tiny human?

Robbie had never seen any human this small before, so this made him curious, he leaned over to get a better look.

........................................

You were squirming your way to the edge of the bench, you could barely move because of how cold it was... You were only trying to get away from the one who sat down, but of course your coughing and teeth chattering must've been too loud...

You gasped and whimpered when he loomed over you, you could tell he wasn't even human... He reeked almost like a corpse would, and his body was so pale-ish grey, and the eyes were what stood out the most.

You didn't have time to worry about what he was, you just wanted to get away from him, but of course he scooped you up, he seemed so curious, almost like a child even... You whimpered and squirmed in his grip, you didn't have the energy to speak at this point.

.........................................

Robbie tilted his head when you began squirming, to him you felt like a piece of ice, he realized humans CAN actually freeze to death, he had reached to tuck you away in one of the scarves but he flinched when he heard you scream.

Robbie blinked slowly, he thought for a moment, he figured out what the problem was "Ohhh... Your...scaaareddd rrright?... Donn'ttt beee... Robbiee onlyy want to hellpp..." He slurred out, a small smile adorning his face.

You still didn't trust him, but then again you had two options... One would be freezing to death, the other would be trusting him and praying he had good intentions... ...It was rather difficult, freeze or possibly be killed by a giant.

...You bit your lip, you didn't want to die either way really, you had to take a chance on this, you reluctantly nodded at the giant before you fell limp in his hands, pitch black darkness invading your vision.

..................................................

You awoke to hear several different voices, they all sounded concerned, you slowly opened your eyes, your vision was absolutely blurry, you could barely make out who or what was in front of you.

"Zhere vwaking up, finally..." The one with a really bad (yet amazing) German accent sighed and sounded relieved.

Finally, everything stopped being so blurry, you could see just who was in front of you, you could see the one that rescued you and then... A ton of complete strangers...

You yelped and jumped back, your breathing hitched when you saw the one who appeared to be a doctor step closer "S-Stay away!" You could at least speak now and you did feel warmer.

"Now now, don't vworry, vwe're not here to hurt you... Robbie vwas ze vwone zat brought you here in ze first place." The doctor explained carefully and quietly "Your quite lucky zat he found you vwhen he did ozerwize judging from your situation... Vwell..." He didn't finish, you understand clearly what would have happened...

You flinched back when he brought his gloved hands closer to you, you thought for a few moments, he was only trying to help... You reluctantly let him pick you up and examine you, he was surprisingly very gentle as he held you.

After a few minutes he set you back down on the table "Vwell you don't appear to have any injuries vwhich is good... I do have a few questionz... Vhy are you so small in ze first place und just vwhat vwere you doing out in zis weazher anyvways?"

You bit your lip and looked away from him "...I... I don't... Remember honestly... I just remember being home one moment and then suddenly... I'm just... out in the open and apparently... small?"

Henrik sighed "Vwell you might as vwell get comfortable here because zhere is a storm coming soon and you don't vwant to be out in zat..." He stated, fixing the glasses on his face.

"Ah, I almost fo'got... My name iz Doctah Schneeplestein, however you may call me Henrik if you vwish" He gave a pleasant smile, guess it was time for introductions...

Next someone with a weird looking mask stepped fourth, his cape flowing gracefully and surprisingly it didn't smack him in the face this time "My name's Marvin~! Marvin the Magnificent~!" He had a lot of energy and enthusiasm, he didn't seem so bad honestly...

((I spelled magnificent wrong like 5 times-- wtaf?))

Next up was a dude wearing a snapback hat, he approached and looked absolutely amazed "Hey lil dude! Name's Chase!" He carefully held out his fist which you flinched at, it was huge compared to you but he quickly fixed his mistake "Oh, sorry lil bud, just wanted a fist bump haha."

You nodded in understanding and gently bumped his fist with yours, smiling all the while, finally the next one approached... He looked like a superhero actually, it was rather weird how similar these guys looked to each other actually.

"Hi there! I'm Jackieboy-Man! If you ever need a hero you know who to call now~!" He grinned proudly, striking a silly pose which you giggled yet applauded at.

((Yeahh probs not gonna include Angus, Shawn, or Dapper boi-- sorry!))

Next was one with... Surprisingly, this one had yellow hair and overall different features, his voice was complete robotic [ Hello New User, I am Bing, Bingsepticeye. It is nice to meet you, I do hope we can get along ] And with that he walked away.

The next one to step up... ... He looked... strange... His eyes were pitch black and he looked down at you with a creepy smile on his face which unnerved you "̡̕H͠e͟͟͠l̵l̵̕o̷̴̷ ̧t̴͞he͝͞r͢e҉~̕M̡͞͠' ̕͝n̨a̢m̴e̵̡͡'̸͠s̷̷ A̶̛͟n͞ti~̨͘͡" His voice was distorted and glitchy...

You couldn't even speak if you wanted to now... He was one you were going to have to watch out for, you looked over however upon hearing growls coming from Robbie, they sounded inhuman and aggressive.

It finally hit you, the one that saved you was a zombie... ...At this point, it wasn't all that weird, you yelped when Anti grabbed you and screamed as he dangled you in the air.

"͏Ç'̸̶͡m̵̕o͢n̵͡ ̡͡Ŗó̵b̀b̸͡͝i̕͝e~̧̀ ̡M̡͡' ͏͢n̢҉o̢͟t ̵́g̷͢unn̕͞a ̸̀h̸urt̸̛ ̶e̵̕m͞͝~̶̛̛ ̨I j҉ù͢s͜͏͝t̶ ̡w̸a͝͝n͏̵̸n̛͡a̛͟ ̡'̶͘͝a͘͝v̷e̷͠͞ s͜͜o҉me̷̡ f́u͢n̡̢~̴̀͝"̷̕͝ Anti chuckled and threatened to drop you, this must've been enough to push the zombie over the edge because he lunged and snatched you fairly quickly from the demon's grasp.

Anti snarled and crossed his arms "̴͜F̧͡u̵͟ck҉̧̕in̴'̵͠͡ ҉ḱ̛͘i̶l͜l҉̨jòy͠.̸͝.̷.̶̛" He glitched away before the others could even yell at him, you were definitely going to steer clear of him...

Robbie growled lowly and kept you held close, he looked down at you and seemed to be examining you "Isss.... humaannn frrieend okaayy?..." He grunted and gurgled in concern.

You nodded "Well... First, my name is (Y/N).... Secondly, I-I'm fine... Just a little bit shaken... C....Can we... Um, go someplace a bit more... quieter?"

Robbie nodded, he looked back at the others who were looking stunned, most likely stunned by his outburst a few minutes ago, he didn't care though, Anti deserved it for that... He then went off to his own room, holding you close in hand.

He walked over and plopped down on his bed, practically cradling you into his chest, he stared down at you, his eyes despite being dull held wonder and amazement within "(Y/NNN) sooo tinyyy.... So cuutee..."

He began poking and booping at you which you couldn't help but giggle at, you booped his fingers back, which apparently started a booping war between the both of you, this went on for awhile before you finally surrendered.

"Okay, okay Robbie! I give up haha, I surrender!" You giggled and nuzzled into the zombie's hands, your actually really glad you decided to trust Robbie... He was actually cute and sweet.

You two had spent a good while talking and getting to know each other, which sometimes Robbie tilted his head as if he hadn't heard of or understood what you were talking about, after awhile of getting to know each other.

You snuggled against Robbie's chest and sighed, which made him gurgle "(Y/NNN) okaayyy?..." He asked, he was so concerned and caring... It warmed your heart at this point, you smiled up at him.

"I'm fine big guy... It's just... Thank you... Thank you for saving me... I'm sorry for being so scared of you at first, your.... actually really nice and sweet" You smiled and kissed one of his fingers, giggling when you saw him blush.

Robbie had a lopsided smile on his face as he leaned down and gently kissed your head "Awww... (Y/N) is... sweettt anddd nicee tooo... Noo needdd bee sorryy... I underrrstandd whyyy youu werrre scarrreddd..." He paused, as if he were trying to find the words.

"I wouldn't haavee justt lefftt youu there... I... I..." He was fumbling now, a frown spreading across his face, he wasn't really the best at speaking.

"It's okay Robbie.... Take your time, find your words..." You smiled and so did he, you waited patiently for him to find the right words to use.

((I can honestly picture Robbie having trouble finding his words sometimes, so you’ll have to be patient with the zomboi))

"I careee abouttt youu... Yourr so smallll.... sooo cuteee... I wanttt.... to prrrotect... Keep.... saaafeee..." He gurgled a little, his blush worsened as he looked away.

You couldn't help but aww at him, cuddling into his chest some more "Aww... Robbie... Your so sweet and adorable... You kept me safe from Anti earlier so your doing a good job buddy."

Robbie gurgled again, he seemed a little nervous by now "I... carreee about youuu... a....a loottt thoughhh..."

You blinked and looked up at Robbie, noticing he looked nervous, you waited however for him to finish speaking his mind.

"Robbieee.... lovveesss.... (Y/NNN).... Loveesss theemmm a lottt.... Will prrrotect forreverrr..." He grunted and leaned down to nuzzle you with his face.

You giggled and kissed his cheek "I love you too big guy, you know... Maybe it won't be so bad here, so long as your with me." How could a zombie be so adorable, so loving and affectionate?

It was a mystery but, you could really grow to love it here honestly, apart from Anti... He would take some time to get used to honestly, but the others seemed really sweet as well, they treated you nicely and like a friend.

Robbie suddenly yawned and cuddled you close, almost how a child would to a stuffed animal "Robbieee sleepyyy..." He mumbled out, yawning once more.

You couldn't help but smile and nuzzle his hands, they felt like a warm blanket over you "Okay, okay, we can sleep..." You were feeling rather tired yourself too, thankfully the sounds of the wind outside had pretty much muffled the others voices.

((They're yelling at Anti-- Specifically Henrik-- those boys can't stop fighting for one minute I swear--))

You closed your eyes and got comfortable on top of Robbie's chest, before you fell asleep you heard him gurgle and mumble lowly "Loovee youuu...." This made you blush and smile happily "Love you too buddy..." And with that, the both of you fell asleep, dreaming of wonderful and pleasant things, you could definitely get used to being tiny now.

((I didn't know a good ending besides that? n4jogpntigj3pnib-- All I know is-- first thing I'd do as a tiny, scream fuck you at Anti and flip him off (I'd be nice in the end tho, because Anti needs love too)

I don't know about Henrik honestly... Doctors and me dont see eye-to-eye honestly but uh, I could get used to him ...just keep needles away plz-- Chase, oh god please yes? I'd hang with him just ahaha don't throw me bro--

Marvin would be amazing to hang out with, because fuckin magic! FUCK YEAH-- Jackieboy-Man would be cool too but uh, no flying or soaring through the air-- I do have a fear of heights yet I love giants, go figure--

Bing would be the one I'd hang out with a lot tbh-- he needs more love and attention because gosh dammit I refuse to let him be left behind.

Finally, well its obvious what I'd do with Robbo-- let's sleep, sleep all day if ya want I dont care, I am a lazy and sluggish bean who loves to sleep a lot so uhm, Robbie = my spirit animal confirmed? ...well... Spirit zombie anyways-- okay I'm rambling now, sorry! I hope y'all enjoy this story and some rambles from the mun))

Also incase you hadn’t noticed I fucking SUCK with story titles hahaha, it sounded better than My Zombie Savior tbh--

@robthezombie-support-squad eventhoIsentanasky’allcanignorethat--thestoryiscompletesoOops--

#robbie the zombie #g/t #g/t writing #g/t fluff #jse community #bingsepticeye #antisepticeye #dr schneeplestein #chase brody #marvin the magnificent #jackieboy-man #reader insert #I'm not really sure if I should be proud of this story or call it shit honestly #g/t community #My Story

[samdukewieland]

Stuck Inside Media Diary Week 3

People ask me (no one asks me) all the time why I don’t include the music or podcasts I listen to or books I read when I put this list together once a week. It’s pretty simple: I’m a huge dumbass.

Sunday, April 5

Better Call Saul, [Season 4] “Wiedersehen”, “Winner”, [Season 5] “Magic Man”

This was a real milestone for me, made me feel real good in a very inconsequential way. I got caught up to a show that is currently airing on TV;it’s true what they say: it’s a sprint not a marathon. It feels silly to say or compare BTS to Breaking Bad, and acting as if you can only like one by saying X is better than Y. The closest comparison that I feel “comfortable” with making is that this is just a real Cheers vs. Frasier debacle. Both are close to, if not, model examples of their type and no one is gonna look down on you if you like them. Though there is a certain type of snobbishness to being a bigger Frasier/Better Call Saul fan-very white collar attribute.

Lady Macbeth, Oldroyd 2016 [as of now this is available on Hulu]

So I really only watched this because Florence Pugh is in this and I saw somewhere on twitter (what a source!) that it was essential viewing for Pugh-heads. Or something like that;I’m probably paraphrasing. Full disclosure: I have an enormous crush on Florence Pugh. Did this influence how much I liked this movie? I liked it fine, at a certain point you kinda go “I get it” and that’s about as much substance as it has, but man oh man, Florence Pugh is really good in this. Curious how much of this played a part in Ari Aster wanting her in Midsommar which she.....might just be too good for? I dunno man, there’s a lot of other things I’d rather do than talk about that movie. It reminded me of Revolutionary Road. How so? My senior year of college I borrowed it from a friend and when we had lunch like three weeks later and I gave it back to her she asked how I liked it and my honest to God reaction was “heh, man, how about that ending” which is 100% not the answer you want to give to a woman you have an innocent crush on who lent you her copy of Revolutionary Road.

Monday, April 6

After Hours, Scorsese 1985

I’ve owned this for a little over a year saving it for a special occasion or like when I feel like I’ve owed myself a little treat (that’s how much I believe in Martin Scorsese) so I watched it on my birthday. And because I am one of those assholes who posts what they’re watching or listening to on Instagram I had done that with this and one of my buddies who I just don’t text back because I’m busy with nothing and am bad at it (Cole and Max amongst others, this is for you!) said “the Safdies owe their whole shit to this and that’s okay.” Couldn’t’ve said it better myself. (Not since Uncut Gems have I felt a very specific kind of *wired* after a movie; granted it hasn’t been very long since I saw Uncut Gems, but let’s consider this one of those if you know you know things)

Tuesday, April 7

Killing Them Softly, Dominik 2012 [as of now this is available on Netflix]

Subtle is not a word I would use with some of the themes of this movie, but that just doesn’t really matter. This movie’s rad as hell and it doesn’t make a ton of sense that I hadn’t seen it until last week. Like, what a tense goldmine of character actors and this might be the first time I’ve heard Mendelsohn speak in his natural speaking voice (the episode of Girls that he’s in where he plays Jessa’s dad might actually be the first, but he’s supposed to be British in that and it’s been a while since I’ve seen that episode, so I’m just guess off the top of my head that he put a twist on his voice). Like Sam Shepard is the 8th guy in this movie! What a great audition tape to submit to Fincher.

The Plot Against America, “Part 1”

David Simon is my favorite dramatist in Television and it takes a lot of effort for me to keep with his shows. I don’t know why. The first time I watched The Wire I watched like 5 or 6 episodes and took maybe a month long break and picked it back up. He makes ear-worms, stuff that get’s lodged in my brain as responding very positively to what he makes (the same thing happened with Treme [never finished], Show Me A Hero [never finished] and The Deuce [never finished]) and I really don’t want it to happen again. He just tends to make stuff you have to be very dialed in for and my brain, for the most part, is mush a lot of the time. I will finish this though. Also I’ve never read the book (but I definitely own it!) so I don’t know how it holds up to source material blah, blah, blah.

Wednesday, April 8

The Running Man, Glaser 1987

I just wanted to watch Total Recall. This was the next best thing available on my DVR. It is not Total Recall (I’m sure it’s a very well known story and I just don’t know it, but is there a story about why Ventura doesn’t fight Arnold at the end? Seemed weird). Also Mick Fleetwood is in this and plays an interracial part to the resistance and his “character’s” name is “Mic.”

Thursday, April 9

Better Call Saul “50% Off”

Brooklyn Nine-Nine “Valloweaster”

For the record, I’ve been watching B99 all season and I just haven’t thought to add this. Same deal with Top Chef (see below). Have loved this season so far, but they’ve hit their stride (which they always do) in the last three weeks. Love that they still incorporate the Halloween heist in different capacities even though they don’t have episodes in the Fall anymore.

Top Chef Season 17, Ep. 4

Great episode. Sometimes it takes Top Chef about 3 or 4 episodes to really get going and the lower tiered competitors are starting to get on the nerves of higher tier chefs and the sense of urgency, re: competition finally has a fire lit under it. I also love that when this show first started whenever they had to do a vegetarian challenge the general consensus was “ah fuck this, I don’t know how to do that.” 

Onward, Scanlon 2020 [as of now this is available on Disney+]

I started watching this at like 1 in the morning, because I needed to watch something for the day, because I’m trying to keep this streak going. Whatever, it sucks that Pixar has to meet a quota or something now-a-days (have I mentioned that I had to travel in the snow when I went to school and that it was up-hill both ways). I guess if there was one for them that they could kind of just shoo off to the Ploos early they got lucky that it was this one. Again, whatever.

Friday, April 10

Best Friends, Jewison 1982

Man, Goldie Hawn was great. Man, Burt Reynolds was an underrated comedic actor and also very hot.

Better Call Saul, “The Guy For This”

Saturday, April 11

Better Call Saul, “Namaste”, “Dedicado A Max”, “Wexler V. Goodman”, “Jmm”, “Bagman”

I’m gonna miss my binge days of BTS, but again, this feels like a real accomplishment that I got here. Love this damn show.

The Untouchables, De Palma 1987

Kevin Costner has such cop-face in this movie and it’s almost like Andrew Garfield in Silence: I don’t know if I particularly like it and this is such a punchable face that I have to stare at for so long, but maybe that’s the point?

I made a DeNiro Top 5 and I might have regrets now for making it before seeing this, because you rarely get to see unhinged Bobby D and it is fun. As fun as the “another coat of glaze” performance Connery has in this movie (that beat out Albert Brooks in Broadcast News, something 1987 Sam would’ve come unglued at). Fun movie that is so bizarrely lauded-maybe a perfect time capsule movie for when it came out. It also made me realize that De Palma is like a better Tim Burton, because he has better friends.

[lair-of-books]

January was a month of much post holiday rest, organization, and goal setting. 2019 was a massive healing year for me which meant I focused more on Quality vs. Quantity reading last year to make room for new life experiences. January however had me back in the saddle with books on my radar for the rest of the year. It was also the month where I participated in my very first Readathon (SMUTATHON Wrap-Up) Challenge & had a blast! It was truly the BEST way to start off the new year, light & fun with a side of steam 😉

Besides a ton of steamy reading, I also found my love for Netflix backlist shows like Schitts Creek and continued with the latest season of Grace & Frankie. I also started Journaling, something I’ve been wanting to get back into for years but never quite took the steps & placed pen to paper. Writing has been truly cathartic in my journey to self alignment & self healing. As the new year takes off, I’m also keeping a small list of places/things I’d like to visit & do. I’ll include snippets of some of these trips in future wrap-ups as a way for me to look back on & share with you lovely readers 🙂

The Loner’s Lady by Jessa Kane – ✨2.5 STARS✨ (SMUTATHON WRAP-UP) This age gap romance just was NOT my cup of tea haha! it felt very primitive & not my idea of a good time with a fake dating trope. I was generous here with my rating but in all reality it was a quick read that left me very underwhelmed.

Grading Curves by Naima Simone -✨4.5 STARS✨ (SMUTATHON WRAP-UP) GOODNESS! SUPER SEXY! who would’ve known a tattoo parlor would host such potential for steam haha! Naima Simone is on my list of go-to authors for smut 😉

The King Maker by Kennedy Ryan – ✨4.5 STARS✨(SMUTATHON WRAP-UP) Kennedy Ryan blew me away with this very heavily researched read. A perfect balance between hardcore relevant topics & romance, this one I definitely plan on reviewing here on the blog. This is a age gap romance I can get behind & best of all it follows our characters over the years from the time they met in their 20’s to present day. Can’t wait to read the sequel in the All the King’s Men Duet, The Rebel King.

The Headmaster by Tiffany Reisz – ✨5 STARS✨ (SMUTATHON WRAP-UP) Gothic Romance fever anyone?!? YEA that’s what Tiffany Reisz left me with after finishing Headmaster. I’mnot sure why but it gave me the same vibes I felt while reading Cassie Clare’s The Infernal Devices if only for the steam punk atmosphere. SO worth it especially if you dig Paranormal Romance.

SKYWARD by Brandon Sanderson – ✨5 STARS✨ (MY REVIEW) I wouldn’t be surprised to see SKYWARD make my end of the year TOP 20 of 2020! it gave me such an adrenaline rush & reminded me of my experience with Pierce Brown’s Morning Star. Not just cause of the camaraderie between the pilots but also because of the flight patterns & attacks that really jump off the page and pull you in. I already have secured a copy of the sequel STARSIGHT & a more happier little bean I could not be *jazz hands*

Beautiful Dreamer by Melissa Brayden-✨5 STARS✨(SMUTATHON WRAP-UP) This F/F Romance legit transported me to a small beach town & immersed me in every single characters lives like nobodies business! UGH! I did NOT want to leave & the characters who are the epitome of polar opposites had me shipping them so hard all throughout. I have a list of Melissa Brayden backlist books I will be reading throughout the next couple of months… the Next one on my radar is Strawberry Summer thanks to the wonderful Leigh Kramer who I appreciate wholeheartedly! ❤ a whole review will hit this blog in the very near future, currently I’m reading faster than I’m writing SMH! haha!

Tweet Cute by Emma Lord – ✨5 STARS✨ (MY REVIEW) on the Cuteness Meter, this one smashes the scale! This is another read that I may throw into my top 20 of 2020 but we shall see. I laughed & enjoyed the character interactions so much so that I traded in sleep haha! I have a full review linked above.

Ok soooo I may have binged almost all 5 current season of Schitts Creek onNetflix…I say almost cause in typical Lilly fashion I stopped myself from watching the last 3 episodes of season 5. I’m not a fan of endings & even though there is currently a season 6, I have to wait for it to hit Netflix sooo yea LOL! I had HUGE doubts about this show but JEEZ am I so happy I decided to give in & start this show. It appears to be super pretentious & ridiculous but I promise you there’s so much more depth to these characters. Ultimately it’s the reason I’ve fallen back in love with Netflix so if there are any shows that offer up this much comedic relief, please drop them down below in the comments Luvs!

OK! Bragging rights here cause my BF did NOT think this one was worth us going to see in theaters. WHELP! boy was he happy we went cause this was so GOOD! & possibly not the end of this franchise *fingers crossed* the boys are back & although they’ve aged just a bit, that does NOT stop them from getting back behind the wheel & catching them some bad guys…Ok well Marcus played by Martin Lawrence needs a bit of convincing & it is EVERYTHING seeing this duo back in action.

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January Monthly Wrap-Up January was a month of much post holiday rest, organization, and goal setting. 2019 was a massive healing year for me which meant I focused more on Quality vs.

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[mytherapistsays-blog]

Life Lessons We Can Learn From Reality TV

Life Lessons We Can Learn From Reality TV ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ @MyTherapistSays ⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣⁣ https://mytherapistsays.ca/life-lessons-we-can-learn-from-reality-tv/

Reality TV… Our parents may judge us for watching it, some members of the male gender may judge us for watching it, a bunch of other people may also judge us for watching it.  BUT you know what? Who cares. Reality TV is a very deep love of mine, it is my favorite thing to do to wind down after any stressful event that happens in my life.  I love watching other people and their drama, it honestly makes me realize that the things that I’m stressing about may not be super important… it actually gives me some perspective in life! Look at that dad!!

There are so many reality shows out there, and I am going to find one reasonable life lesson that I learned watching my faves so hopefully, you can feel a little less guilty when you spend your Friday night in binge-watching Real Housewives (you’re teaching yourself some real-life lessons! Don’t feel bad). Also – if you haven’t watched all these shows please watch them they are amazing.

The Bachelor/Bachelorette

If you aren’t a member of bachelor nation you may not really understand anything that I say here. The concept of the bachelor is so messed up that it’s honestly too absurd to even imagine what this show is all about without watching it. Basically, one the bachelor there is one man with like 20+ women fighting for his love, the bachelorette is the same thing but it’s a woman with like 20+ men fighting for her love. At the end of the show, the contestants are supposed to get engaged. After maybe spending like 8 hours total of one on one time together after a few months of knowing each other. I mean, that is some really healthy and amazing relationship advice right there!

However, despite the messed up motive of the entire show, you can actually watch and learn some valuable life lessons from the show! I’m honestly really enjoying Hannah B and her season on the show right now. She’s super real and is making sure to not hide her emotions from her viewers. I think this show can give viewers a chance to learn about how they should be treated in a relationship. When you look at the people who continue to get roses each week you can actually go back and figure out which parts of their relationships with the bachelor/bachelorette are keeping them there! Some of these men and women are amazing people, and they put a lot of hard work into these relationships (maybe because they want to win and get tons of fame and Fab Fit Fun partnerships but who knows) so take some tips and see if you can do anything more to put some effort into your relationship and show your partner that you really want to be with them!  Another thing I’ve learned from this show is that you really need to open up to your partner to progress in a relationship! This is something I for sure need to work on, and I think when I watch this it reminds me that you do really need to put effort into every part of your relationships. Chris Harrison is never bad to watch either.

Bachelor in Paradise

This show is related to the bachelor, but it’s definitely not the same. Basically, a bunch of the popular contestants who haven’t won the bachelor are all taken to Sayulita Mexico.  New people come weekly, and roses are given out each week, the guys and girls alternate giving the roses out each week. This show is SO filled with drama that it is so beyond entertaining. Relationships change weekly, people who were obsessed with each other one minute break up to be with someone else the next. Things get crazy, people are crazy, and watching it is crazy (but in like a really really good way). I’m really having trouble finding a positive message from this show because, to be honest, you should not act the way the contestants do on this show. Everyone is super snakey and will betray their so-called friends in an instant for the sake of finding a significant other.

One thing that I think is good to take away from this show is that you should always follow your heart. There have actually been real relationships that have come out of this show. People have gone home engaged, and there is an upcoming wedding from two contestants who actually met on this show! There are so many romantic interests out there for you, you have to give everyone a chance to ensure that you aren’t limiting your options. Another thing that I think you can get from watching BIP is that your ‘type’ may actually not be the right type for you. So many contestants go on the show with a ‘type’ of the person in their mind that they want to be with, this is not how you should enter a relationship! Give everyone a chance, maybe the reason your relationships haven’t worked out in the past is that you’ve been going for the wrong ‘type’!

Keeping up With The Kardashians

Okay – so now we are moving away from relationship advice (because I am like the least qualified person to be giving that out) and moving into a different theme – family, and business, and I guess relationships too. Keeping up With The Kardashians gets shit on like way too often, but this family actually teaches SO MUCH to its viewers. Firstly, this show really gives you some insight into how the Kardashians run their businesses. However you think about it, maybe you think it’s super stupid that this family has all this money, but they are successful in business so we for sure have some things to learn from the Kardashian sisters. Kylie Jenner is the first self-made female billionaire (self-made though? really?) through her Kylie Cosmetics company and she recently launched Kylie Skin! Kim and KKW Beauty, as well as KKW Fragrance, have done really well too.  Kendall is one of the biggest models in the world, making heaps and heaps of money.  Khloe started Good American Jeans which has also been doing great, the way she moved away from what her sisters are doing was a smart move. Kourtney (my fave, but sadly the laziest of them all business wise) recently launched Poosh, a lifestyle company and has already sold out her collagen powder drinks! Also, Kris Jenner, the momager is making like 15% of whatever her daughters make, so she’s set for life! Lucky girls.

They may have fame which can help them grow a business, but if you watch the show you can actually see behind the scenes in some of their ventures.  You can see how they plan pop up stores, brand activations, new product launches, and how they balance the work-family-life routine. They’re all super busy and the way that they prioritize family while still being super present in their business.  One thing you don’t see them do is put off their business responsibilities and just be the face of the company (as many reality stars do).  They care about their names and their brands so you really see the hard work and effort that is put into them! From this show, we can learn that fame and popularity can help you create a brand, but hard work and diligence is what really sets your brand apart from the others.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

The real housewives shows are honestly probably some of my faves, I started with just Beverly Hills but now I’ve been watching NYC and am hooked. They’re both FILLED with drama which is my fave thing ever. The girls on the Beverly Hills show are for sure a crew, they are cliquey, gossipy, and have all really hated each other at one point or another. The thing that you can learn from watching this show is that sometimes letting go and forgiving past mistakes is the only way to move on with your life!  All of these girls have seriously beefed each other, right now Lisa Vanderpump is mad at everyone because they think she leaked a story to the Daily Mail about Dorit. Basically, Dorit adopted a puppy from Lisa’s adoption center, it bit her kid, and then she gave it to someone who ended up putting it in the pound. Lisa found out and shit went down. This biggest issue though was when LVPs BFF Kyle Richards took Dorit’s side and blamed Lisa for leaking the story. Lisa has not spoken to a single group member since this went down and she has missed out on some amazing parties and trips with her girls because of it.

Sometimes, you need to realize that you and your friends are not always going to be on the same page about things. Is it worth it to end a friendship over a small disagreement? You’re going to have to miss out on lots of fun activities and be prepared for some awkward encounters at group events. This show really gives me perspective on friendships and helps me understand that sometimes it’s best to forgive and forget.

Vanderpump Rules

This show is sort of a spin-off of Real Housewives of BH because it’s focused on Lisa Vanderpump and her restaurants all around LA.  The characters that you follow are the staff who work at her restaurants. It starts out with SUR, but now that she’s opened up Tom Tom with two of the cast members (both named Tom) I have a feeling we’re going to be seeing a lot more of that on the show. Vanderpump Rules is fun because you get to see how these twenty-somethings love to party, and how they manage their jobs and relationships on top of having fun. Something that you can take from the show is that nothing is permanent. Stassi (the best character in my perspective) starts off in a horrible relationship with Jax (who tattoos her name on his arm). He cheats too many times to count, and she ends up dumping him thank gosh. Jax is now with Brittney who is the sweetest human alive and he honestly seems like he’s a new man! Stassi has a loving boyfriend named Beau and her career has moved on from party girl/hostess to real life bestselling author. This show gives me tons of hope about where I am at in my life and helps me to realize that if you aren’t happy with your current situation, whether it be at work or in a relationship, nothing is keeping you there! Do what you want to do, be with who you want to be with, and you will be happy!

Real Housewives of New York City

I don’t know which real housewives show I like better. I honestly don’t even think I could decide if you put me at gunpoint. They’re both so amazing and drama filled. I’m not fully caught on on NYC, right now where I’m at Countess Luanne (yes she makes people call her that) is engaged to Tom, Tom has had sex with Sonja and people are not happy. Bethanny is sick and she just had to tell Luanne that Tom cheated on her a week and a half into their engagement. Luanne stays with Tom because obviously she does, and freaks out that Sonja is upset that she’s getting married to her ex-lover. Life is crazy for these women. This show is so different than Real Housewives of BH because the girls are mostly single, or on to a second or third marriage. We really get to focus on their relationships and the way they try to keep up with the crowd. I’m a Bethenny fan and I love how real she is about her relationships.

I think from this show I have learned firstly not to trust men, all of these women have been with huge assholes who treat them pretty badly! But also not to really trust anyone but yourself. Trust your gut, try not to let other peoples opinions get in the way of what you do.

Survivor

Full disclosure I don’t watch survivor, but I thought I needed to include a less Bravo based TV show. I asked my friend and this is what she said: “to always play true because your true colors come out eventually”. Thank you so much, Bayley you rock. People LOVE survivor and I think it’s such a good show to watch if you want reality TV but not something super girly. This would be a great show to watch with your boyfriend to like to introduce him to the reality genre. Anyways, you should just be yourself and be true to yourself no matter what because it’s true, the real you will always come out at some point! May as well flaunt what you’ve got.

  Also – I’m really sorry – I went a little bit crazy with the GIFs.

#bravo #lifelessons #realitytv