#the armor is kind of funny to me because they went through basically all stages of grief they're chill now but at some point they were

[gunterfan1992]

Interview with Half Shy (the songwriter of “Monster”)

For the last few months, I’ve been collecting information for a second edition of Exploring the Land of Ooo that will also cover the production of Distant Lands. This means that I’ve started to look into the new songs that we have been graced with this year, and this of course includes “Monster,” the beautiful track from the masterpiece that is “Obsidian”. And so I reached out to the song’s writer, Half Shy, who was kind enough to chat with me via email about the songwriting process!

(Photo courtesy of Half Shy)

In many ways, Half Shy is living the creative Adventure Time fan’s dream: She got asked by Adam Muto himself to write a song for “Obsidian” after he heard her music through Bandcamp! (I’ve dabbled in fan music before, and the fact that someone from the show might listen to it just blows my mind.) What an opportunity; I am so excited for her!

Since a second edition of my book won’t be coming out until after all the Distant Lands episodes air, I thought it would be best to share my Half Shy interview now. Read on for the fascinating behind the scenes story of how Half Shy and “Monster” came to be..

GunterFan: What is your origin story? How did you get involved in music, and how did the Half Shy project come to be?

Half Shy: I’ve been making music pretty quietly since I was in high school with a keyboard and guitar. I played one or two shows a year after college when I could find a friend or my brother to get up on stage with me, but I don’t really have that performer gene in me naturally. I get too much in my head and forget what the lyrics are to the song I wrote, or what the next chord is. Total brain freeze. So that whole experience is a bit of a mental drain. It’s something I think I’d like to dig into and figure out, but right now I’m really enjoying the time writing.

Even playing a song for my friends I still get pretty nervous. That’s where the name Half Shy comes from. I’ve always been interested in making things that by their nature draw a bit of a spotlight, but at the same time, I am just really quite nervous about the attention.

I recorded my first songs under my old name Hey V Kay in my bedroom and started putting them up online one at a time. When I got enough I thought about packaging it up into an album, but then got really distracted by learning how to fix up motorcycles and going to automotive tech school. When I eventually got back around to it I named the album Gut Wrenching.

After a few years I realized that I didn’t want the day-in-day-out life of a mechanic, I just wanted to know how to fix cars for myself and to have that knowledge in my back pocket. I got back into making music but grew frustrated at the process of writing and recording songs. I felt like I wasn’t able to capture the ideas I had in my head. Like trying to draw on your computer with a mouse. Doable, but it’s not going to come out like you’d hoped.

So these last couple of years I’ve focused more on learning the technical aspect of it, from the initial ideas and lyrics, to the recording and mixing. During that process I put out Bedroom Visionaries, and while writing I happened upon the name Half Shy in an old Thesaurus which felt instantly right. Learning all of that has been fun, I even went as far as to create my own book to solidify a daily writing routine (lyricworkbook.com). All that has been a bit of a tangent from actually making much music though. I should be getting my books in December from the press so I’m really looking forward to getting back into making more music instead of dealing with printing presses, setting up websites, and sourcing ribbon suppliers.

GF: What is the story behind "Monster"? How did the show get in contact with you?

HS: I keep a log of “Song Starters” with neat things I’ve heard in the world, and I would look through it every now and then and notice just how many came from Adventure Time. Eventually I thought well, I have to make a song about this show that just keeps breaking my heart. It was around the time I was nearly done with the first [Adventure Time-inspired] song “In My Element” that I got an email from Bandcamp saying “someone bought your album (Bedroom Visionaries).”

I get maybe one or two of these a month at most so I love to go in and say hi to the person and say thanks, be curious about who they are, [and] what they’re all about. Turns out it was Adam Muto, the executive producer of the show. (I asked and he has no idea how he happened upon my stuff. He guessed that I must have tagged something #adventuretime and he just happened to see it.) So I sent him an email saying, “Hey wow thanks for checking out my tunes. Also... holy crap you’ve made the best show I have ever seen in my life.” [I] played it real cool like. After finishing up writing my second [Adventure Time-inspired] song “Betty” I couldn’t help but fangirl real hard [and I sent him another message saying], “I’m sorry this is probably awkward, but I really love your show and I wrote these songs about it.” He was incredibly kind and shared them with his Twitter Universe, and a while after that I got a random email from him saying basically, “Hey, I’m working on this thing I can’t talk about, would you be interested?” I was like… well you know I’m pretty busy working at a sign shop so I’m gonna have to pass on this once in a lifetime opportunity (J/K. Obviously I fan-girl squealed and said yes immediately).

We chatted a bit about what the project was going to be and the direction. He mentioned there [would be] two Marceline songs in the special, [and he asked if I] would I be interested in giving the love song a try? Trying real hard to suppress my instant imposter syndrome I was like, “Yea, totally I’d be into giving that a shot!” So I read through the story and loved the idea of the dragon mirrored in Marceline, thinking through how they’ve both built up a protective shell, how she grew tough for a reason, but now she can open up and be vulnerable with PB.

From there I wrote the initial demo with the first two verses mostly intact and we went back and forth a few times editing it down into the final version. I recorded the final parts for the show in my little home studio in Seattle.

GS: When you were writing the song, what emotions, thoughts, or ideas were you channeling? Was there any sort of memory of event that you were trying to artistically "catch" or "recreate" with the lyrics or music?

HS: As far as channeling an emotion, generally I’d say just the experience of existing as a human. It can be so hard to open up and be vulnerable. I can remember that feeling even as a young kid—getting really excited about something and having someone completely trash it or look at you like, “Why are you so interested in that? It’s dumb.” [It causes us to grow] a little more weary to share ourselves because we know that hurt and embarrassment. The pain of being misunderstood is something I think a lot of us can relate to. Then having to decide whether to keep sharing those vulnerable parts of yourself or think, “They’re just not going to get it, I’m going to get hurt, so why bother?” and then stop putting yourself out there. You lose a lot with that thick armor though. You might feel protected, but you’re not feeling a whole lot of anything else other than the weight and chafing of it (I had a whole lot of armor-related metaphors that I didn't end up using.).

I struggle with this in songwriting too. I’m not the bolt-of-lightning type. There are pages and pages of cliches, total garbage, bad jokes, and cheesy lines that I have to get through in order to get to something that I am excited to put out there into the world: “Here I did this thing, I know it’s a little (this or that), but I made it... What do you think?” It’s hard to open yourself up to hearing the other end of that question.

I filled about 5 little pocket notebooks just thinking through the story, ideas, and trying to get this song right. I wanted it to feel familiar and honor the past songs of the show ([e.g.,] using the ukulele and referencing a few of the familiar chords from “I’m Just Your Problem”) but also be pretty open and vulnerable and different for [Marceline]. [I wanted to] show that she’s going through some tough emotions but also figuring herself out and growing.

GF: I feel like “Monster” is, at its core, an ode to the “Bubbline” ship. How do you feel about your song being intimately connected to one of the most famous LGBTQ+ relationships in animation? Do you have any general thoughts on Marcy and PB, Bubbline, etc.?

HS: Oh, I’m a total fan girl of Bubbline. The whole story of how Rebecca Sugar and Muto slowly morphed it into this deeper relationship is just great. As a part of the LGBTQ community myself it really means so much to see the representation of characters like yourself portrayed in an intelligent way. Growing up I was too young to fully understand what was going on but I saw Ellen getting cancelled, and [I] heard people around me saying they’d never watch her show again after she came out. That stuff sinks in as a kid and so to have these characters who are not only intelligent, but funny, complex, and unapologetically strong who also happen to be queer is really great. I love that the story here isn’t about their orientation, but that they’re people struggling with how to be open and vulnerable in a relationship.

It feels like something sci-fi and animated shows do so well—to show that ridiculousness of limiting who a person should and shouldn’t love. Marceline is a 1000+ year old half-demon/vampire and PB was born from the Mothergum of an apocalyptic radioactive world, but you’re going to get hung up on them loving each other? It sort of brings it into perspective in a really interesting way.

GF: Do you have any other thoughts about the experience that you'd like to share?

HS: Just how lucky, thankful, and honored I feel to be a part of my favorite show, writing a song for one of my favorite characters. It’s also incredibly cool how the people on the show are so willing to connect and collaborate with their fandom. Everyone [on the production crew] was very open and a real joy to work with.

I’d like to give a huge “Thank you!” to Half Shy for agreeing to participate in this interview; she really was quite amiable! If you’d like to hear more of her music, check out her website and her Bandcamp. You can also follow her on Instragram here and on Twitter here. And of course, here is Half Shy’s awesome video of “Monster”.

#adventure time #atimers #adventure time distant lands #atdl #half shy #monster #bubbline #marceline #marceline the vampire queen #bubblegum #princess bubblegum #pb #adam muto #interview

[lovelyfinch]

my summary of ranboo’s story of his character from his stream

copied from my 5 page google doc i wrote instead of doing homework

this starts at the beginning and goes until 1hr 28 minutes into the stream

(i think i got basically everything he said)

joined the server, killed by dream, received a small tour from niki

the next day, he got a tour from tubbo, president of lmanburg. they talked about how ranboo was also running for president

shaped his first thoughts on lmanburg. that it was a good place.

finding michael with tubbo!

meets tommy! tommy tells him about george and ranboo agrees to burn down georges house (in order to not make enemies since he thought they had more than him)

niki and puffy were on a date and they tried to sneakily get past (asking niki for her armor, not suspicious at all)

tommy and ranboo grief georges house, accidentally burning it down. they ran from it, thinking they got away.

puffy asks if ranboo did it. ranboo couldn’t remember and doesn’t know why.

dream started building the walls on lmanburg

dream shows them georges house, destroyed. tommy gets blamed, ranboo is questioned bc puffy says she saw him. tubbo kills ranboo with the spoon (not canon)

the meeting hall to meet with dream. 

THE MINUTES MAN OF LMANBURG - tasked with taking the notes for the meeting

there was a pig man watching the meeting

the meeting did not go well. tommy brings out spirit against dream. dream played along but didn’t truly care, only caring for the disks.

tommy stood up for ranboo at the trial. they asked ranboo about it and he said his memory was bad but they cut him off. he never said he didnt remember the burning, only that his memory was bad.

being the minutes man gave him the idea to make the first Do Not Read book, writing who to trust and not trust

dream tubbo tommy quackity and fundy on the wall. tommy being taken away for some reason. the exile.

ranboo felt guilty because tommy wasn’t the only one who destroyed george’s house.

things in lmanburg were going great, he had a house and pets and was the minutes man and technically part of the cabinet

feeling guilty, he visits tommy in exile a few times. ranboo could tell something was off with him, with dream. so he wrote letters to tommy, trying to understand what he was going through in exile.

things were good, he built the ice cream shop with fundy

one day ranboo was approached whilst writing in his memory book. quackity tells him that techno is a traitor, the reason things are bad. and that they were gonna go get him and bring him to justice. which ranboo thought meant a trial and such.

the first butcher army meeting. ranboo is confused by it, the bloody butcher outfits. 

traitors are bad right? can’t have traitors

the butcher army went to technos place. ranboo shot a few arrows, maybe intentionally missing “he is a person still”

q gets carl and so techno agrees to go with the army

the execution. no trial. techno gets executed but survived.

phil, who saved ranboo from lava, who ranboo liked, gets put on house arrest. phil is mad at the army but ranboo was saying how he didnt think itd just be an execution. so the two are on even/neutral grounds.

ranboo talks to ghostbur, who calls him an aaron burr. they go to the snow, to technos. techno immediately tries to kill ranboo, who was just part of the butcher army. threatens him until he gives back all his armor.

tommy was at technos too. with techno. ranboo is surprised and writes it in his memory book.

ranboo goes back to lmanburg. realizes he just betrayed the entire butcher army by giving the armor back and saying he doesnt know where tommy is.

he kept seeing techno and tommy around lmanburg with dogs for some reason

he was kind of on both sides, techno/tommys and lmanburgs. he doesnt want to choose so he decides to help everyone

the festival plan to try to kill dream. ranboo spent time making festival games (the trident game!)

dream arrives and starts building the wall again

before the festival ranboo met with techno and tommy.

the community house was blown up. gone. 

according to dream it was techno and tommy.

dream says hes gonna blow up lmanburg again. techno joins him. blow it all the way to bedrock.

dream calls ranboo out as a traitor in front of everyone. dream has ranboos book. the first memory book. which ranboo had lost a few days prior, and found somewhere he didn’t put it. it had been moved. dream gives it to tubbo

THE PANIC ROOM. a place for him to think. the water outside providing a white noise. 

ranboo realizes that he kept choosing sides. he decides to choose people.

ranboo wonders how dream had his memory book

he checks the memory book and just finds the smile. the first smile. “all that was left is a smile”

that book becomes the second memory book.

the destruction of lmanburg on the horizon, they band together to attempt to stop it.

he speaks out. there are lots of people watching him

eye contact. he lashes out at people, as his judgement is impaired

he goes back to the panic room

the dream voice. a voice that is him but sounds like dream. it tells him that by trying to help everyone he has just betrayed everyone. ranboo doesn’t believe the voice because all he did was give techno his armor under pressure, right?

he decides the best thing to do is help the people who have helped him. lmanburg. 

but the first memory book is still missing

“it was time for doomsday”

they thought they still had time to save lmanburg. but then they heard explosions and withers.

lmanburg. “it was falling. it was gone”

people were suddenly switching sides and in the chaos of the destruction ranboo hears techno ask “what’s this do not read book”

ranboo runs to techno to get the book, techno has it. techno gave him the book and told him to get out of there, that he has no issue with him. techno showed ranboo mercy when he could have killed him

ranboo doesnt know where he stands with the destruction of lmanburg. so he watched. “watched as lmanburg fell”

he talks with fundy, with quackity, after the fall. fundy seemed off. quackity seemed to forgive ranboo, having read the book and changed his mind.

ranboo didn’t know what to do

“someone came in and asked me if i was okay. phil. phil realized that when he blew up everything” that ranboo was one of the few who lived in lmanburg and had no more home. phil offers him a place to stay, with him and techno

the situation is awkward at first but they get through it

MELLOHI

ranboo hears mellohi. “a disk from somewhere far away” “it was from the panic room”

he goes back to the panic room. “why was i hearing this from all the way over there” and takes out the disk. but then “an old friend came back. the voice.” 

but this time with more to say. that he was more of a traitor than he thought. the voice tells him that he has been helping dream the entire time. but that he just didn’t remember that. that he had something to do with the community house and other things on the server.

the voice wasnt dream. it was what he thought was himself trying to fill the gaps with memories.

he denies the voices claims. “you have no proof”

the voice says to mine an obsidian block. behind it are two pieces of tnt. 

he still doesnt believe the voice

ranboo is very confused. did he do it? did he not?

the disk war. tommy and tubbo had begun to prepare.

“the disks were very important right?”

“and then i just… lived. for a while.”

“for the first time in a while, happy. and that was good”

and so he decides that he is done. “done with living in fear of the dream voice”

and so he goes to the dream voice

“the dream voice said, hey? you literally have a disk”

“there’s no way i could have a disk right?”

but the voice says that he hid it. he met with dream. so he searched. and he found a disk. the disk. in a chest under his house. 

“so then i realized. something’s going on. there must be a reason why i cant remember these visits with dream, right?”

he “had been sleepwalking of sorts but that was a problem for another day”

time for the disk war. everyone thought that both tommy and tubbo would die

(he forgets what happens next? canon? idk)

dream was now in prison.

he decides to call the sleepwalking state enderwalking

everything was good. except the egg, but “we don’t gotta care about that”

ranboo has the “good idea” to visit dream

so he visits the prison. everything went normally. except “dream told me exactly what i didnt want to hear. apparently i had been visiting dream. i had been talking to dream.”

“and apparently i was one of his best friends”

and dream hands him his own memory book. the entire chest was filled with memory books.

“dream disappeared. and the prison started to crumble. and i guess the entire prison visit was just the dream voice but even worse”

so he didnt know what to do “i guess i’ll keep my head down. i didn’t really do much during that time”

but he needed to visit the prison again. “for real. to actually get closure”

he gets in to the lobby. sam asks his questions. and asks when the last time he visited. “and of course i havent visited before. so i said this is my first time.” and sam said “very funny” and tells him he has visited before. 

“i had technically visited the prison in the enderwalk. i asked sam to show me the books and they were written in ender”

he looked through the memory books, the three he had now. nothing showed that he had visited before. “there must have been a fourth book”

“i dont know what the fourth book is. and i still dont know where it is to this day”

“the fourth book wasnt a memory book. it was a book of the enderwalk” so he’s searching for it

he tried but nothing worked.

“i guess i was just kind of living. i noticed my tools on lower durability and my beacon had gone missing”

“the best thing to do is just live”

visiting snowchester a lot

done cool things with techno. techno was his friend now

“i was happy”

building the bee n boo, got married for tax reasons. 

the news. “after saving michael we got news. tommy had died. tommy was dead.”

the grieving stage.

one day ranboo decided to just relax. and then he sees niki. “what was niki doing at me techno and phils house?”

decided to be “extra stealthy” and watch out the window

techno asks him about anarchy, and ranboo says “that sounds good”

ranboo “had become part of something called the syndicate” which seemed to be for conflict resolution

tells the syndicate tommy died

tommy was alive? “somehow tommy was still alive. how? how is that possible?” 

and then something happened. ranboo gets brought to a room. with two shrines and a hallway. with everything people value.

he started to remember. to hear things. 

“so dream had a revive book. he was trying to control the server by using everyones loved things against them”

he doesnt remember when punz and everyone came and saved tommy and tubbo from being killed by dream

dream had to be stopped “before he could bring back the villains”

he has michael to protect now

tommy approaches while he is with tubbo. and ranboo agrees with tommy. they build that tower

talks with ghostbur “and he seemed like he didnt want to go, which was interesting”

“so right now im trying to kill dream”

but the enderwalk is still an issue. he needs to figure out how to stop the enderwalk. “it hasnt happened in a while, right?”

the reason he is doing everything is to make sure his adopted son, michael, is safe.

and that is the story so far.

#ranboo #ranboolive #dsmp #rp #dream smp #mcyt

[tripleaxeldiaz]

all was golden when the day met the night

chapter 1/5

for @hearteyesforbuck (it’s for EVERYONE but definitely for eli)

read on ao3

Eddie’s bad at words. 

He can talk, of course, will happily go on for hours about how great Christopher’s latest art project is, can give a sermon about the Rangers’ chances of winning the World Series. But when it comes to discussing what’s happening in his brain, the gloomy, sticky parts that follow him around and keep him awake, he clams up. Keeps them locked in because it’s easier than exposing to anyone just how gross it all is, how dark everything is, how dark he is. He wants to talk about things, he does. Wants to make sure Chris knows that he should talk about his feelings, especially the bad ones. And he does his best to be open with him as well, but he’s the only one he seems to be able to do that with. Anyone else — his parents, Abuela, Shannon — he just...can’t. He’d rather save them the trouble.

Eddie’s bad at words, but he’s good at flowers.

He partially blames Abuela for making him spend hours with her in her garden when he was a kid. She taught him different planting methods, how to cut the flowers so they stayed alive longer, and a few basic meanings she learned from Good Housekeeping. After his first tour, they didn’t have the money for him to even try and get into med school, so he got a job at a local flower shop to help with their landscaping team. The owner, Mrs. Negrelli, saw he was better with the roses than the mulch and took him under her wing, teaching him everything she knew. When she retired shortly after Shannon left, she handed him a check with a lot of zeros and said, “It’s time to go plant your own seeds.”

So he did. The Greenhouse has been up and running for just over a year, and it may very well be the best year Eddie’s had in a long time. They’re in a small plaza just outside of LA proper, with an apartment above the shop that makes early morning deliveries much less horrible. Chris is doing great in school (“very popular and excellent in all subject areas”, according to his homeroom teacher) and he’s made some good friends with the other local business owners. It’s the peaceful, quiet life he always dreamed of having when he finally got out of the Army.

Peaceful except for—

“Morning, Diazes!”

“Dad! Buck’s here!”

Eddie pokes his head through the doorway from the back room in time to see his son crash into his friend’s legs, Buck scooping him up and throwing him over his shoulder. Chris laughs loudly, echoing through the whole shop, and starts talking animatedly about his latest drawing when Buck sets him on the counter. He listens intently, throwing a wink towards Eddie when he catches him lingering a few feet away.

As usual, Eddie has to school his face into something other than heart eyes as he watches the two chat. Buck’s in his standard uniform of ripped black jeans that hug his thighs in all the right places and a t-shirt featuring some grungy rock band he’s never heard of. He’s a stark contrast against the rows of hyacinths and magnolias currently on the wall, and Eddie feels a blush rise on his cheeks as he tries (and fails) to stop staring.

When he first met Buck, he was pretty sure he was getting robbed. When a six foot whatever stranger in all black and combat boots and covered in tattoos comes barreling into your newly opened flower shop, that’s kind of the first place your mind goes. He had 9 and 1 dialed on his phone before the stranger ran up to the counter and frantically asked, “What kind of flowers can I buy to apologize to my very intimidating adoptive mother for sideswiping her brand new car?”

Eddie figured an actual criminal would have bigger problems to worry about than his mom’s Nissan.

They formally met the next day, when Buck came to thank him for the bouquet (a small arrangement of broom for humility and common rue for regret; all the yellow tended to make people happier and more likely to forgive you for being a dumbass). He told Eddie he could come by the shop anytime for a tattoo, on the house.

He’d been in Armageddon Tattoo when he was first looking for a space, had met Maddie, the co-owner, and Chimney, their head artist. If he had known the other co-owner looked like Buck, he would have signed the lease much faster. Faster still once he saw how quickly and easily he and Chris got along.

A year on and Buck’s in the shop almost every day, either to buy a bouquet or to give Chris tips on a drawing or to complain about an annoying customer who changed their mind about a design after it was halfway done.

For all the peace that Eddie’s found, Buck is the one chaotic spot that keeps his reflexes in check. He’s a microburst, a runaway firework, an ATV rolling through a field of wildflowers. He blasts his music as he drives in in the mornings, and he opens doors so hard they almost fall off their hinges.

Eddie is painfully, unbearably in love with him.

Which is funny, really, because his whole life, Eddie has always been “the good guy” or “the good son” or “the good soldier”. He was homecoming king, set multiple records on courses in Basic, and became Staff Sergeant quicker than any of his superiors had seen in years. He was always by the book, always tried to be the best, and he usually was the best. 

Until he wasn’t. Until his brain was so full of sadness and horrors that it was a battle to get out of bed each day. Until he was missing so much of Chris’s life that he might as well not have been in his life at all.

Until he wasn’t enough.

His marriage crumbled from there. He knew any path he and Shannon tried to take to move forward would be foggy with the guilt of all he hadn’t done in the past to help their family, so when she left, he didn’t go after her. And that guilt — knowing that he could have fixed it if he tried, if he had just been better — follows him wherever he goes now. He second guesses himself with Chris all the time because he knows one wrong move will lead to whispers among the PTA moms about the single dad who isn’t doing it right. He almost withdrew his lease application for the shop four times because he was constantly worried that it wouldn’t work, that he’d invest all this money and time and effort and it wouldn’t matter. He had done things by the book for so long because that was supposed to be how he succeeded. But now the books are empty and he’s in free fall, hoping he finds a soft landing before splatting on the asphalt.

When he met Buck, the complete antithesis to doing anything “by the book”, a voice whispered in his head that’s your landing. He’s the opposite of everything Eddie knew how to be, and that was thrilling to see. Freeing. To see someone living a happy life by making their own way and not giving a shit what anyone else thought. Not to mention that he was gorgeous, a gentle soul armored in chains and ink, and so unabashedly himself that he drew everyone to him like a magnet.

So Eddie fell, hard but quietly. Because on top of all that, Buck is the best friend he’s made since moving to LA, and he’ll be damned if he screws that up for himself or for Chris.

He finally gets himself moving to the counter, pulled by that damn magnet, where Buck is now showing Chris his latest tattoo — a small skull with a string of roses weaving in and out of the eye sockets and mouth on his right bicep.

“Does it mean anything?” Chris asks, running a small finger over it, taking in the detail.

“Chim says so, went on and on about how it symbolizes life after death and blah blah blah. I just thought it looked cool.”

“Peach blossoms would have been better.” Eddie mutters absently, eyes glued to Buck’s arm and the pale skin under the ink. He blinks as his words register, meeting Buck’s eyes and internally wincing. Thankfully, Buck just looks amused, not mad. “They’re a sign of longevity and immortality in some Eastern cultures. Would’ve fit the life after death idea a little better.”

“See, this is why I need you and your flower wisdom on retainer at the shop. You’d save me a lot of time researching, and our stuff would be even cooler because it would make sense.” He leans down to stage-whisper to Chris. “Between you and me, I think roses are the only flowers Chim knows how to do anyway.” Chris giggles, and Eddie huffs out a laugh too. 

“Any real flowers today, Buck?” Eddie asks. He grabs the craft paper, already knowing the answer.

“Of course! Whatever feels right to you.”

Buck gets a bouquet for the shop about once a week, claims they’re good for inspiration and help some of the more nervous clients relax among the black leather chairs and tattoo guns. Sometimes he has very specific requests (“I just want orange. Like so much orange you could die.” or “Someone asked for tulips on their arm, can I get those in every color so I can practice?”), other times he tells Eddie to put together “whatever feels right”. At first, Eddie never put too much thought into those, just used whatever he was running low on and still looked okay together. But one day, one particularly dark day, when all Eddie was doing was feeling, he took Buck’s words to heart. It was a pretty morbid bouquet — cyprus for despair, peonies for the anger that never seemed to leave him, vervain as a plea to whoever was listening to protect him from the evils of his own mind. His internal mess must have been written all over his face too, because when he handed the flowers to Buck, he just looked at him for a while, like he could feel the sadness that Eddie had physically given him, like he knew the weight of what he was holding, even though Eddie knew he didn’t really. When he said thank you, it was more sincere than usual, laced with something like empathy that Eddie wasn’t ready to look at too closely.

Buck kept those flowers alive for three weeks, said he just couldn’t bear to let them go.

Luckily for everyone, Eddie is in a much less terrible place this week. With his son’s laughter still floating in his mind, he puts together crocuses and daisies, youthful joy and innocence, and ties them together with a dark blue ribbon, Chris’s favorite color. He wraps them in paper and hands them to Buck, who beams as he helps Chris down from the counter.

“Oh, these are beautiful. Almost as beautiful as the man who arranged them.” Eddie feels his cheeks get red and sees Buck’s smile turn smug. “How much do I owe for this masterpiece?”

“Please, you haven’t paid for anything here in months.” Eddie stopped charging while he was only using almost bad flowers, and told Buck as much. He just didn’t tell him when he started using the good stuff.

“I know, but I’m a gentleman, I always have to try. Remember that when you’re older, buddy.”

“I will.” Chris replies. “Dad, we’re gonna be late for school.”

“Okay okay, go grab your backpack.” Chris heads towards the back room as Buck heads towards the front door.

“Well, I’m off to stab people with needles for fun. See you later, boys! Bye Hen!”

Eddie whips his head around and sure enough, there’s Hen, leaning on the far side of the counter, looking far too smug for Eddie’s liking.

“When did you get here?”

“My shift started 20 minutes ago, boss. Glad I got here in time for the show.”

“The show?”

“Yeah, the show. You really should get an Oscar or something for how hard you act like you’re not head over heels for that man.”

Eddie’s jaw drops and Hen cackles. He doesn’t even have time to explain himself before Chris returns with his backpack and starts shoving Eddie towards the door.

“Don’t worry,” Hen calls as she opens the register for the day, “at least you’re cute when you blush!”

Eddie pointedly ignores Chris’s questioning look as he drives, his face and neck still blazing.

He can only hope Buck is less perceptive than Hen. If not, they’re going to have to move cities. Maybe countries. Maybe to the moon.

#buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie fic #9-1-1 fic #9-1-1 #9-1-1 fox #SHE'S HERE FINALLY #i'm updating it every week!! #ficcery #the flower shop

[triplejy2k]

Custom Monsters (How to make your players actually enjoy fighting a complex boss) P2

So previously I mentioned the Biometal Slime being the boss of the dungeon, well that’s partially true because it went through a transformation off-screen. Meet the Biometal Abberation, an enemy so complex that it takes up an entire fucking page of a google doc to explain all of its powers properly.

This mf has some pretty nutty abilities, all designed around the idea of making a boss that can “deal with” an optimized party with maximum efficiency without being TOO bullshit. (Feel free to DM me asking for the stat blocks and icons for the slimes and this guy if you want to use em in a campaign)

The main idea behind this boss fight is that it spawns a set amount of extra clones over the fight (clone spawns near player that broke the health threshold meaning that they end up EVERYWHERE). Mana Discharge was essentially designed to be able to also slow down the fight 2 times to allow both it and its minions to trigger Targeting Systems’ effects constantly during a fight on the squishies. I’m really proud of Targeting Systems, like almost unreasonably so, mainly due to the fact that I wanted to be able to pressure the Psion PC to worry about keeping themselves safe from dying due to constant pressure on the enemy turn as well as having a way to hurt other players while the tank had the boss on lockdown. Having “reactive armor” like Serrated Flesh is really important for your tankier enemies or glass cannon 1 round type monsters because it allows them to take hits and cause chaos and rather than making your players unable to hit foes, which honestly in a game like DnD where you can use most attacks once per fight and once per day kind of sucks. One thing I learned that players hate is bosses/enemies that are fully resistant to forced movement, cause it fully prevents funny shenanigans and party attack setups. 

The party managed the fight very well, however the Warforged had an idea. You see he was fighting the boss next to a massive well, of which they did not know how far the bottom was down there. So when he decided to push the boss into the well it sank down into the darkness. The party began laughing... then the boss reappeared right behind the bard out of a pool of magic sludge. To describe what happened next requires a bit of formatting and explaining of the parties setup.  Damian is a hexblade with incredibly high damage attacks, to the point where if he can crit he easily can take off 80 ish health at the stage of the campaign they fought this thing at Sylvia is a bard and has the ability to boost the base value of a d20 roll by 3 if she does a basic attack.  Cal is a psion that has a ton of crowd control and forced movement abilities Vectr is the parties tank and has a really high strength value. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHVqoiG0CUU I also humbly request you listen to this while reading because it captures the mood of this moment PERFECTLY.

What followed the bosses rather abrupt shift was Cal moving them into a better position between the party, VECTR throwing Damian because Damian’s base movement was not fast enough to reach the boss on his own, Sylvia boosting Damian’s attack to be a guaranteed crit, and then Damian subsequently killing the boss upon dealing 73 damage to it and then action pointing to deal an additional 24 damage to finish it off. 

Both the parties reaction, and my own, can only be captured as the hype of describing one of the hypest attacks I have had the privilege of being able to describe. “Damian jumps into the air and performs a massive Blazing Doom of The Void on the boss, then spins and slashes his blade down the Biometal Abberation, bisecting it in half exposing metal refuse and what appears to be human bone and its form collapses to the cold flagstones and pools of magical refuse”.

This was a fucking awesome encounter and I still have so many more to rant about. 

#dnd homebrew #dnd #boss fight #dungeon master

[penguin-writes-books]

First Kisses & Forgotten Scripts

It’s here! @tyrusmuff1n I hope you like it!

---

Cyrus absentmindedly signed his name on the form Ms. Pallas handed him, smiling politely. He signed out of study hall and slid out of the door, clutching his script to his chest. He paused in the hallway, contemplating where to go to practice. He eventually settled on the old music room, as no one was ever there and it was the only unoccupied large space this hour. He figured he could deal with the dust-covered instruments pushed to the walls. He only prayed he wouldn’t fall into a sneezing fit.

He made his way through the halls without once glancing up from his script. He managed to sidestep someone several times despite class being in session. He didn’t notice the gentle, precise melody coming from the music room until he was stepping inside. He glanced up to find TJ sitting at the piano. He glanced up at Cyrus’s presence, jumping and accidentally playing an awful chord.

“Ah! Sorry, sorry,” Cyrus yelped, starting to back out of the room. “I can just…”

“No! Stay- I- Cyrus, stay.”

“I can let you play if you want. I’ll find somewhere else to run lines.”

“Run lines?”

“I- yeah. I got the male lead in the play-”

“-Which male lead? Aren’t there two?” TJ interrupted. “What are their names- uh, Sam and Alex?”

“I got Sam,” Cyrus said, sitting down in a chair near TJ.

“Ah. Shy, closeted nerd. Fitting.”

“Very funny. Casting director thought so too. Sam gets outed though, I just kinda… Stopped keeping it a secret,” Cyrus said. “I swear, Mr. Smalls acts like I came out last year just so I could play this part.”

“Eh, old guys are always like that. They like diversity to be convenient, not natural.”

“I- Wow, you’re not wrong.”

“I know. Who got Alex?”

“Umm… Leo. Leo Tom?”

“Two first names. How… Fun,” TJ said slowly. Cyrus rolled his eyes at his tone, shoving him playfully. “Anyway, what scene do you need to run?”

“The climax. Fight scene, kiss scene, guy gets guy, curtains go down, all is well.”

“Sounds… Unrealistic,” TJ grumbled. “But, because I’m such a good friend, I’ll play Alex for you.”

“So chivalrous,” Cyrus said, pretending to swoon.

“Yeah, yeah, hand over the script and stand up, Goodman. So what’s this play about?”

“Um… Let’s see. It’s pretty basic until Sam almost kisses another boy in his grade and some douchebag-”

“Did not know you knew that word,” TJ noted.

“Shush. Some guy gets a photo and tapes it to Sam’s locker.”

“You were right. Total douchebag material.”

“Yeah, I know, idiot, I know the whole play.”

“What a way to talk to your savior, your knight in shining armor, your hero-”

“Shut up!” Cyrus teased, knocking his shoulder into TJ’s. “Just… We’ll start from the top of the scene, I think I have my lines memorized.”

TJ took a moment to orient himself, skimming over the script to find out the root of the fight. He paced back and forth for a few moments, reading the script quickly. He settled after a while, nodding to Cyrus before turning his back on him.

“Seriously? Just because you’re Alex Danbury, star student, doesn’t mean you get to act like no one else has problems! You saw my locker this morning, and you didn’t care, let alone-”

“Do you ever shut up?!” TJ whirled around, somehow having managed to force tears to come to his eyes. “Who do you think tore into Garringer for what he did? Who do you think ripped that stupid photo off your locker? Who do you think it was that nearly got expelled defending you when Garringer saw me do it?”

“You WHAT? Why would you do that? You got into a fight with Charlie Garringer. God, Alex, you’re such an idiot!”

“What are you talking about? I’m an idiot for defending you?”

“Yes! You shouldn’t have gotten tangled up in my problems when you clearly don’t understand what happened today!”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah!” Cyrus insisted, trying his best to see TJ as Alex.

“God, Sam, you’re so-”

“-What?! What am I?”

“You’re so stupid!” TJ yelled.

“Seriously? You get into a fight and I’m the stupid one?”

“Yes!”

“At least I’m not completely and utterly-” TJ glanced down at his script as Cyrus spoke, taking a deep breath before following his cue.

TJ kissed Cyrus.

It started angry and aggressive as the script intended, but it was soon morphing into simply TJ and Cyrus. They wrapped their arms around each other, TJ dropping his script, the telltale sound of a paper packet hitting the ground not even mildly alarming Cyrus. He had better things to think about.

Example: Cyrus! Goodman! Was! Kissing! TJ! Kippen!

He ignored the way his thoughts ran around his head, burying his hands into TJ’s hair. TJ pulled away after their own personal eternity to breathe. He met Cyrus’s eyes with a knowing smile, sitting down on the floor and pulling him down with him.

“I- I think I’ve got the lines now,” Cyrus whispered.

“Yeah,” TJ said amusedly, raising his eyebrows. “I think you do.”

“You’re a really good actor, why didn’t you…”

“Audition? For Alex?” TJ filled in. “Rehearsal conflicted with basketball practice… And I didn’t want to have to- to, um, use my sexuality to get a part.”

“I get it, but you wouldn’t have had to. You’re really good at this, TJ.”

“Eh. Good castmate, I guess,” TJ teased.

“Yeah.” Cyrus went silent for a long moment, smiling and shaking his head to himself.

“What’s going on in that head of yours? Wait, no- let me guess. Dinosaurs, baby taters, and… books?”

“No, actually. I was thinking about how, when I was little, I used to hate that it’s called falling in love. It makes it feel like-”

“-Like it’s not supposed to happen,” TJ finished.

“Exactly! It’s like you were just going for a stroll along a cliff’s edge, and then one misstep and you’re tumbling in.”

“Isn’t that kind of how it is, though?” TJ asked. “It’s kind of like you’re just supposed to be friends with someone, and then suddenly…”

“I just hated it, though. It felt like falling in love is some shameful act.”

“Where is this all going?” TJ asked, turning to face Cyrus.

“I just- I get it now.”

“Are you telling me you’re in love with me?”

“No. I’m telling you I found my cliff’s edge.”

---

Cyrus paced back and forth backstage, clutching his script in his hands and trying to ignore Leo’s gaze on him.

“You okay, man?” he asked, stepping in front of Cyrus.

“Yeah, no, for sure. I’m so okay. I’m great. This is just a really big scene, and it’s opening night, and if we screw this up it kind of ruins the entire play and-”

“-And that’s our cue to the wings,” Leo said, pointing to the stage.

“Oh, shi- I’m supposed to enter from stage right in like 30 seconds.”

“Yeah, you are. Go!” Leo exclaimed, shoving Cyrus to get to his side of the stage and making his entrance from stage left.

Cyrus managed to make his entrance in time, sighing in relief as he crossed the stage toward Leo. They made their way through the entire fight scene, Cyrus holding his breath slightly before he kissed Leo. It wasn’t anything like kissing TJ - it wasn’t like their first kiss or any of the ones that had followed close behind, and it certainly wasn’t anything like the way they’d kissed before the show as TJ wished him good luck. It was over soon as the lights went down and they silently left the stage. Leo hugged him briefly when they left, congratulating him for a job well done.

“That was so good!” Cyrus agreed.

He accepted hugs and high fives from the rest of the cast as the lights came up and they started to line up for bows. Cyrus and Leo took the stage last, jogging downstage and bowing with grins on their faces. They stayed there as the crowd applauded, Leo making eye contact with his boyfriend as Cyrus met TJ’s eyes.

TJ was on his feet next to Andi, Buffy, and Jonah, pride shimmering in his eyes.

‘Perfect,’ he mouthed. Cyrus nodded slightly, joining the rest of the cast for a final bow before running off stage.

He got out of his costume and into his street clothes as quickly as possible. He wiped off his stage makeup and picking up all his things in record time. TJ met him backstage, wrapping him in a tight hug.

“That was so good, Underdog!”

“Thank you!” Cyrus exclaimed. He buried his head in TJ’s jacket, smiling when his boyfriend kissed him on the head.

“That should have been me up there kissing you, babe,” TJ whispered, fake pouting and ruffling Cyrus’s hair.

“I wish it was.”

#Andi Mack #cyrus goodman #tj kippen #tyrus #leo the locker boy #soft theater gayssss

[chiseler]

Gail Patrick: Malice Aforethought

The ultimate in resting bitch face, Gail Patrick could do more with a slight malicious smile than most actors could with the nastiest lines of dialogue. She was always sizing people up on screen, looking at them as if she could spot every weakness in their character and every humiliation they had ever suffered. Patrick knew instantly where she could stick all her knives, but the funny thing about her is that she seemed too basically cool and sedentary to really do too much damage, like a cat who stretches out and just scratches a canary before going back to sleep in the sun.

A brainy Southern girl, Patrick was born Margaret LaVelle Fitzpatrick in Birmingham, Alabama, in 1911. She graduated from Howard College and did two years of law school at the University of Alabama, saying later that she thought about running for state governor. But in 1932, for what she termed “a lark,” Patrick entered a Paramount Pictures beauty and talent contest and got the fare to Hollywood. The winner of the contest would get to be the “Panther Woman” in the Universal picture Island of Lost Souls (1932), starring Charles Laughton, and surely Patrick would have put a scare into both Laughton and co-star Bela Lugosi, but she didn’t get that part, which went to Kathleen Burke. (“It kind of ruined a career for her because nobody would take her seriously after that,” Patrick offered.)

She was presented with a standard studio contract by Paramount, but the strong-minded Patrick wouldn’t sign until her salary was raised from $50 to $75 a week and part of the contract was taken out. “I also read the fine print and blacked out the clause saying I had to do cheesecake stills,” Patrick said. “In the back of my mind I had this idea I could never go home and practice law if such stills were floating around.” She was groomed and coached until she lost her Southern accent, and then Patrick was ready to steal any scene she was in.

She made her first impact in Mitchell Leisen’s Death Takes a Holiday (1934), where she was filmed in stylish gowns and wore blond hair. Patrick is a distinct screen presence because she cannot help that “bitch” quality of hers from rising to the surface, no matter how hard she smiles or how hard she tries to be appealing in Death Takes a Holiday (much like such sisters in 1930s movie bitchery as Verree Teasdale and Genevieve Tobin). There is always something strained in her attempts at good spirits, as if she were a wicked stepsister just waiting to make some vicious remark about everyone in the cast. “I really put my all into that one,” she said. “It gave me a big career boost.”

She was a rival to Joan Crawford in No More Ladies (1935), which showed that Patrick was ready to rattle the most intimidating figures, taking in Crawford as if she can see the former chorus girl in her from a mile away. She drunkenly confesses to a dalliance with Crawford’s husband Robert Montgomery in a manner that tries for rumpled girlish candor but inevitably reads, as always with Patrick, as sheer malice. “I was hired because I towered over Joan,” she said. “She didn’t get temperamental—she simply expected blind obedience from cast and crew.”

Patrick coolly observed the “nasty” fights on the set of Mississippi (1935) between Bing Crosby and W.C. Fields and did her time in programmers before coming to the part that really set her up, Cornelia Bullock, the big bad sister to Carole Lombard’s daffy socialite Irene in My Man Godfrey (1936). Cornelia is the rich bitch incarnate, flaunting her privilege and power like a spoiled child, but with a wide streak of womanly sadism to make many of her scenes deeply unpleasant. Yet Patrick said that she was so afraid of the camera and nervous that she never saw her own films until she showed a friend My Man Godfrey in 1979. “My fright emerged as haughtiness and I can see where I got my image as a snob, a meanie,” she said. “And it’s the movie that typed me and the one I’m still asked about.”

Gregory La Cava, the director of My Man Godfrey, told Patrick to “suck on lemons and beat up little children” to prepare for her role, and maybe she was just a skeptical, smart girl scared of being in the movies, but that’s finally a little hard to believe. You don’t play Cornelia Bullock in the scathing way Patrick does without at least knowing something about inherent meanness and it uses and effects. Then again, fear has often been known to make people behave badly, and shyness can be seen as unfriendliness. “She had to be bratty, mean, demanding, and no winks to show I wasn’t really like that,” Patrick said of Cornelia.

She followed up Cornelia with her finest bitch performance of all, Linda Shaw, erstwhile roommate to Ginger Rogers’s Jean Maitland in La Cava’s great Stage Door (1937), where she engages in wisecracking duels with Rogers so brutal that it comes as no surprise when Rogers’s Jean ends one of them with the line, “Well, so long, if you ever need a good pallbearer, remember I’m at your service.” Patrick enjoyed working with Rogers in Stage Door because she said they could try scenes different ways, whereas she sniped that with the “Great Kate” Hepburn every scene was done the same way. “She never took direction and always walked around with that haughty air,” Patrick said of Hepburn. “Ginge was everything Great Kate wasn’t. The crews loved her and hated Kate for the airs she put on.”

Patrick was only 26 when she made Stage Door, but she reads as a lot older and more experienced, and so it’s believable when Rogers, who was the same age as Patrick, seems to have youth and freshness on her side as she diffidently snags jaded Linda’s man, the theatrical producer Anthony Powell (Adolphe Menjou). Patrick goes as far with verbal bitchery as it is possible to go in Stage Door, and her snobbery is at its most cutting and armored, too, and yet there are a few moments here when we can see that Linda is just as subject to the vagaries of men and show business as the other girls at the theatrical boarding house she lives at. Linda has a freezing sort of dignity when she realizes that Jean is replacing her with Powell, for the time being, and she has the confidence and lack of illusions that can wait to get him back. This has nothing to do with lack of pride, for Linda has plenty of that where it counts, and then some. It has to do with understanding how the world works and how unfair it can be without ever feeling sorry for yourself.

There’s a brief scene in Stage Door where Patrick relaxes a little for once as Judy (Lucille Ball) talks about the moment when she first wanted to go into show business. Patrick smiles almost easily here, as if her guard is just slightly down briefly, and the effect is touching because there is no other moment on screen when she opens up just a little bit for us. In the end, Linda gets Powell back, and she probably has the guts to keep him until another new blond comes along, and when that game is all finished at least she’ll have the fur coats he bought her to keep her warm on the cold nights ahead. Whatever happens to her, Linda will be all right because she takes nothing seriously and never gets her emotions, if she has any left, involved. That’s one way of getting through life.

Patrick’s most notable role after that was as Cary Grant’s wife Bianca in My Favorite Wife (1940), where the frustration of “the other woman” does not really suit her brand of steely control backed up by a witchy talent for insults and vindictiveness. By the time of Claudia and David (1946), Patrick could see the writing on the wall. “One day, we were sitting around the set and dear, sweet Dorothy McGuire started chattering about her great pleasure in working with such veterans,” Patrick said. “Well, I was seven years her senior, and Mary Astor was only 40 at the time. Mary bristled, but I just kept on with my knitting.”

Patrick, who married four times, had a successful second career as a television producer, where as Gail Patrick Jackson (the last name of her third husband), she put her law background to use as executive producer on the Perry Mason series, which starred Raymond Burr and lasted from 1957-1966. She let her hair go white and was still a handsome and stylish figure around town in this period. Patrick died in 1980 at age 69 in her home in Hollywood, in the arms of her fourth husband. Whenever she turns up in a movie, I think of that old saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit next to me.”

by Dan Callahan

[legendary-nerds]

right hand man

a half-baked plance fic idea from yours truly  

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

basically, the idea is that after the paladins fought sendak, somewhere near the end of the battle (i’ll explain how in a second, i promise) pidge loses an arm. she’s okay, for the most part, but until the garrison can get her a prosthetic with a hand capable of what pidge needs to do (coding, close/mid range combat, video games) she needs help. she finds that help in lance, who is just trying his best. 

basically, when keith killed sendak, his prosthetic wasn’t quite out of power yet. so it was basically twitching and moving on it’s own while sendak’s corpse was following the stages of decay. morbid? yeah. but stay with me. 

essentially, after the battle, pidge and some garrison techs took sendak’s body to the lab to ‘turn off’ the galran arm and study it.

it didn’t go well.

pidge what happened in the moments before. 

sendak’s arm glowing bright purple and swinging around in attack mode. the screams from the poor garrison kids tasked with helping her out. her own screams as the glowing hand sliced though her bicep.

from there, it was a blur. she could remember the cold linoleum floor, and someone screaming her name as they picked her up from the same cold linoleum and ran for the nearest health bay.

there was a lot of blood.

when she came to, she was alone. 

a nurse came in as soon as it was known that she was up again, of course. but when pidge reached for the hospital grade cup of orange juice, her arm didn’t move with her.

when she looked to her right side, all she could do was start to cry because there is no limb there and she could’ve sworn there was a limb there when she went to sleep, what happened?

shiro came in soon after to let her know what went down, and pidge didn’t stop crying until her family showed up. 

together the holts and shiro helped pidge through her shock until she could calm down a little bit. because hey, she was one limb short, but she was alive. and it never stopped shiro, right? 

after the shock, she realized that having one arm sucked. 

she needs help getting used to everything, but she hates asking for it. her family is usually around, and she knows that they want to help, but she can’t do anything, and it makes her feel helpless for the first time in a while. 

hunk tries to cheer her up with actual earth food, but it just reminds her that she can’t use utensils with her non-dominant hand. she almost feels bad for how much time hunk’s spending with her, since he could be with shay. 

she asks him to cut her food, and it’s embarrassing, but with hunk it’s a little less embarrassing.

hunk and shay sometimes visit together and they’re so sweet pidge thinks she’s gonna stay in the hospital when she gets type 2 diabetes from these nerds.

shiro takes off his new, shiny, altean arm when he’s with her (to show solidarity) and just kind of hangs out with her in between atlas meetings. pidge likes spending time with shiro a lot, it feels just as natural as before. they talk a lot about pet peeves,

“everyone looks at where your arm was like if they stare hard enough, they can grow it back for you.” 

“ugh i know! like, they mean well, but god, thanks for the reminder buddy! i’d wave if my hand wasn’t busy!”

their morbid jokes really unsettle the nurses but it feels good for pidge to laugh. 

keith doesn’t say much but he just hangs out and watches tv with her. it’s all pidge wants really. hanging out with keith is normal, until he remembers the situation. then it’s just funny.

while you’d think he’d be a natural, he wasn’t around to help shiro adjust since he was, you know, on a galra ship.

one time pidge woke up to keith swiping his hand under her stump, almost to verify that the limb wasn’t there and it was the funniest goddamn thing pidge had ever seen. he was so stunned.

keith is trying his best, and pidge loves him for it. 

allura and coran stop in all the time to give her updates on her new hand, but it’s taking longer than expected.

allura likes to help pidge do her hair or paint her nails, and one time without thinking, she asked if pidge would get manicures at half price.

pidge pointed out that she doesn’t really want to get manicures from anyone but allura, and the princess’s smile was a mile wide. it made pidge feel all warm to know that allura was happy. 

she doesn’t really see anything wrong with pidge’s unpredicted amputation.

coran keeps trying to encourage a balmera to “grow number 5 a crystal!” for her new altean arm but shay has to remind him it doesn’t work like that, and just because he rubs the balmera’s surface doesn’t make it work faster. it’s a valiant effort though, and coran always assures pidge that she’ll have a new, better arm “in a jiffy”.

and then there’s lance.

pidge and lance were used to hanging out before, but ever since pidge lost her arm, there’s been a rift. they hang out in pidge’s hospital room all the time, and he’s always okay getting pidge junk food from the vending machine by the receptionist’s desk, but something’s off. 

pidge eventually asks him what’s wrong. 

“it’s weird, i guess?”

“lance, that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard. why are you acting like me without an arm is weird?”

“because i’m pretty much the only reason you don’t have your dominant hand anymore!” 

“lance, that’s even more dumb. what on earth are you talking about?”

“i saw sendak’s arm start to flip out. i saw it start to glow but you weren’t looking, and my keycard wasn’t fast enough so i couldn’t get in, and the techs were screaming, and i could’ve stopped this whole thing but i wasn’t in time.”

“you were the one who carried me to the emergency room, right?”

“the one and only.”

“god, lance. thank you so much. i’d be much worse off if i had died, you know.”

it ends with a hug. pidge wants so badly to wrap her arms around him, but all she can do is melt into lance and cling onto the back of his jacket while he holds her.

when pidge gets home from the hospital and takes off her bandages, she can’t look at her stump. it’s scarred, and it looks mangled. she’s cut off her hair and she started dressing in cargo shorts and been through hell, but she’s never felt less pretty than in this moment. 

the garrison standard issue homes assigned to the paladins families are in a cul de sac, so lance spends a lot of time at pidge’s house.

they play video games, but when lance puts in a street fighter type game they’re only allowed to use long range attacks (since pidge can’t use a joystick)

they also play fireboy and watergirl together.

“you know, i used to be both fireboy AND watergirl because it was challenging.”

“no, i’m pretty sure you played both because you were a massive nerd.”

“rude.”

“you’re my favourite nerd, pidgeon. don’t get mad.”

over time they start to grow more and more attached to each other, romantic-styles.

there’s a lot of cuddling.

one time pidge tried to throw her arm over his chest but she just forgot that she couldn’t. 

“thanks pidge, i get the idea.”

“you know, my phantom limb is pinching your nipple right now.”

there’s also a lot of pidge whipping her long sleeves around like a whip as an attack since she doesn’t fill it out anymore. 

they recreate the “don’t fuck with me! i have the power of goD and ANIME ON MY SIDE!” vine with pidge flailing the sleeve of lance’s jacket around

it makes matt cry laughing before he gives lance the “so you’re dating my sister” talk. 

life is good. lance is never too far behind when they go places, in case pidge is put off balance or needs help with something.

one time pidge started playing “every step you take” by the police because lance was almost stalker-ish with how he was watching her to make sure she was okay.

“rude, pidge. rude. maybe i should let you fall down the stairs when you can’t grab a banister.” 

lance is also acutely aware of how pidge’s scar tissue affects her self image, so he does constantly tell her she’s beautiful. especially if she wears a tank top of something that doesn’t hide her stump. it works too, because one day she looks in the mirror and finds it less ugly than she did.

when pidge’s arm is complete, shiro’s a little jealous.

it’s all white, with hints of green that match her paladin armor. the crystal that the balmera produced is also green, thanks to shay being extra and wanting to make pidge happy. it has a super acute wrist joint and finger joints so pidge can type at lightning speeds, and it’s easy to get on and off. lance watches her when she opens it, and plants a kiss on her forehead because his girlfriend is ADORABLE looking at her new hand, okay? 

“so pidge, i guess you won’t need me around anymore now that you’re back in action.” 

“oh please. i’m always gonna need my right hand man.”

YOU MADE IT TO THE END!!! CONGRATS!!! thank you to @justpidgance for motivating me to post this, she’s partially responsible ladies and gents. it’s just a cute lil thing i had floating around. thanks, drive home safe, wear your seatbelts.

#plance #pidgance #seasalt #rainforest #fuckplant #pidge x lance #oh shoot emma wrote something uwu

[ageofgeek]

Infinity War Thoughts and Review

First, I'm going to start off with a non-spoiler review (above the read-more).

So, after seeing Infinity War last nigt, I am actually traumatized. I feel like I'm in the 5 stages of grief, and I'm still in the Denial phase because the ramifications of this movie haven't set in yet. I am still so fucking shocked by what happened in that movie. And while I will undoubtedly be entering the next phase - Anger - fairly soon, I am going to try to be somewhat coherent and logical about this, so I'm gonna talk about the movie in broad strokes (again, no spoilers!).

First of all, Marvel did a great job at balancing all of those characters. I know a lot of people were very concerned about 30+ superheroes in the same movie, but they did a great job. As much as I hate to say it, they were very smart to "center" the film around Thanos, and then use his quest to get the infinity stones as the grounding for the rest of the characters and their missions.

That being said, this movie was an emotional rollercoaster. Goddammit. Tragic, gut-wrenching moments were quickly and almost abruptly followed by Avengers-typical quips and humor, and there came a point in the movie where my brain was like: "Alright, yep, that tragic thing just happened, time to wipe your tears and move on because the movie is already 10 steps ahead of you while you're still reeling.". And while that sucked for someone like me, who wants to cherish every single one of my babies, it did create an emotional environment wherein you felt the urgency. When tragedy struck, you didn't have time to mourn or think or become angry, because the stakes were too high. And I had the feeling that what I, as an audience member, was feeling, was similar to what the characters themselves were feeling. As these awful things happened to the people that they love, Thanos is still growing more powerful every second, and those characters had to swallow painfully, maybe shed a small tear, and move on. And that was one of the most tragic parts of this movie for me: the way that things had become so dire that individual lives didn't - and couldn't - matter anymore, not even to the people who love them the most.

In general, I wouldn't say that this film was enjoyable to watch - much like I wouldn't say that open heart surgery would be enjoyable - but it was definitely an incredible film. High intensity, beautiful cinematography, some stunning visual effects (and some less so - see: Thanos' bulk and height compared to the other, non-CGI characters), and there was a real loyalty to the arcs and lives of these characters. The ramifications of Infinity War will definitely need to be addressed in the 3 Marvel films that follow (Ant-Man and Wasp, Captain Marvel, and finally Avengers 4), and I'm looking forward to theorizing frantically on the Internet for the next year as to what will happen next.

And now, let's move on to the SPOILERY discussion. AGAIN, SPOILERS ARE AHEAD: BEWARE!

God, alright, let's start at the beginning.

Opening up on the Asgardian refugee ship being attacked by Thanos, I just, god. That entire scene destroyed me, right off the bat. First of all, Heimdall's death was so upsetting (and Thor's reaction to it was so painful), but here's a question that a lot of people have been asking: What happened to Valkyrie? Did she leave the ship before they got attacked? God, I really hope Marvel doesn't give her the "Sif and Jane" treatment - it seems like women in the Thor movies always just get forgotten and brushed off, which, wtf?

But moving on - fuck, Loki's death destroyed. Right off the fucking bat, I was sobbing at this fucking movie. Goddammit. I knew that it was probably gonna happen, but it didn't make it any less painful (also, oh my god, Thor screaming through the gag when he died and then crawling over to his body and cradling him, god that FUCKED ME UP). I mean, there are already a few good theories floating around which argue that Loki could have escaped death once again (i.e. why didn't Loki's corpse revert to his Jotun form after he died? Also, why would he just foolishly try to attack Thanos with a knife? He knows Thanos' strength better than almost anyone else (except Gamora and Nebula) - he would not have just barreled ahead and attacked him! There's also the point that while Hulk and Thanos were fighting, Loki went off screen, and when he returned, he was all jovial and did the ballsy (and foolish) stab move. Why would he be that confident, unless he had a plan and had already saved himself?).  But anyway, that’s enough theorizing.  Even if Loki did die for real, I will be smiling through my tears because he died a hero.  They didn’t fuck up his character development from Ragnarok - he died trying to save his brother and his people.  He died embracing his family, and all parts of his identity (”Prince of Asgard...rightful king of Jotunheim...Odinson”).  Even if he is dead for good, I’m proud of my boy.

...

Now, switch to Tony(!!!) and Pepper(!!!!!!!) jogging in Central Park, talking about their wedding and babies!!  I actually squealed during that scene.  FUCK I love them.  Also, the fact that Tony specifically mentioned that he dreamed about Pepper being pregnant makes me think that she actually is, because we’ve been told ever since Age of Ultron that Tony has somewhat prophetic dreams/visions, for some reason.  If he was right about Thanos, why isn’t he right about this?  Just saying!  (Oh god, please let Avengers 4 have Tony and Pepper’s baby).

Doctor Strange comes through the portal and we have the Science Bros reunion hug :’) God, they haven’t seen each other in 3 years, and Bruce’s confusion over the breakup of the Avengers was both funny and sad.  And Tony’s face when he says “Steve Rogers” - not “Steve” or “Cap” or “Capsicle”, but his full fucking name.  The divorce is still real and apparently, NOT RESOLVED IN THIS MOVIE because THEY NEVER EVEN FUCKING SPOKE TO EACH OTHER.  I came out of that film saying to myself, “...Wait, there wasn’t even the flip phone call?!  Bruce called Steve, and it was off screen!  What the fuck???”  Dammit, Marvel, why did you play me like this?  There better be fucking resolution to this conflict in Avengers 4.

Anyway, the first fight scene with Ebony Maw was pretty awesome, because Stephen and Wong’s magic was cool but we ALSO GOT TO SEE TONY’S NEW ARMOR!!!  Our entire theater began to cheer when his armor began to come out and aghh, it was so beautiful, I’ve been waiting 5 years for this moment!!  It seems like he still doesn’t have Extremis, but still, the nanobot armor is a great improvement (all of the phasing that that armor could do was awesome!).  And Peter’s introduction, of course, was great.  And my emotions! when Tony basically told Peter to let go of the spaceship and trust him, and Peter did and he got the Iron Spider armor!  (which, holy shit, I love it, A++).

Also, when Tony got on that ship and Pepper called and she was so upsettttt, okay, i need to move on, that was too painful

...

Switch to Vision and Wanda in Scotland, POST-COITAL!!!!  FUCK my Scarlet Vision heart in this movie was fucking fulfilled and also broken, god, I love them so much.  I just, the fact that they’ve been visiting each other for 2 YEARS and secretly dating and hE ASKED HER TO STAY AND SHE DID, fuck, I love them, why is this movie so cruel to my babies?

Ok, but also, how many fucking times does Vision get stabbed in this movie?  He gets stabbed twice(?) in the fight in Scotland, and then a third time in the woods of Wakanda at the very end.  Which, there wasn’t an explanation as to how the Black Order’s weapons were able to pierce vibranium?  I guess there was kind of the implication that the bonds between Vision’s neurons/molecules were weakening, so weapons could slip through?

Anyway, the introduction of Team Cap to fight off Proxima Midnight was pretty awesome, ngl.  I pretty much forgave them at that point (although not entirely.  Still a little mad at Cap).

...

But then they go home to RHODEY!  Which, yes, I grinned and wiggled in my seat when I saw my baby following in the footsteps of his best friend and pissing off Ross.  Although, still pissed that Rhodey didn’t put up more resistance to Team Cap before seemingly forgiving them?  Like, even if Rhodey forgave them for what they did to him personally, there’s no way that he wouldn’t have given them shit over what they did to Tony at the end of CACW.  Come on now, Marvel.  I have to wonder, based on what Don Cheadle said in an interview, if there are deleted scenes where Rhodey is more standoffish towards them at first.

...

This is where things kinda get a little muddled in my head, because things were moving so quickly, it was difficult to keep track.

At some point, the Guardians were introduced again, and they stumbled upon Thor and split up.

Thanos took Gamora because she knew where the soul stone was, and tortured Nebula to get that info out of her.

They went to Vormir, where the soul stone was, and WHAT DO YOU FUCKING KNOW, Red Skull is there.  That cameo honestly shocked the FUCK out of me.  I sat there with my mouth open for at least a full minute, that just caused my brain to short circuit, goddamn.  I was honestly wondering if they were ever going to bring him back (since the Tesseract doesn’t necessarily kill you, it’s the space stone, it just teleported him), and his appearance in this movie actually reminded me of his role in Avengers: Assemble, when he uses one of the stones(?) to become “Cosmic Skull” or whatever?  Yeah, anyway.

So, there’s no way that Gamora is dead for real, right?  Like, that’s some bullshit.  THAT.  IS.  BULLSHIT.  MARVEL.  I don’t know if Zoe Saldana’s contract ran out, but there is at least one more Guardians movie and there’s no fucking way that she isn’t in it, come on now.  Same with Groot (although that happens at the end).  Gamora’s death feels a bit more final, though, compared with the “dust deaths” that happened at the end, so I don’t know.  Dammit, that one hit me hard (and I wanted to punch Thanos for shedding that single fucking tear, lol, FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE).

...

Everyone goes to Wakanda while Tony and co. are on Titan, and the dual final battles begin.

Shuri is there (YAY!), and so is Okoye, being a badass, and M’Baku, and T’Challa!!  It’s only been a few months since we saw Black Panther, but fuck, I missed them all.

Shuri is a fucking sassmaster with Bruce (and Tony, by proxy), in Vision’s body composition (although, didn’t Ultron technically make the body, and Bruce and Tony just finished it and integrated it with JARVIS and the mind stone?).  Anyway, whyyy did this movie give me hope like that by them desperately trying to find a way to save Vision while also destroying the mind stone?  Fuck you.

Wakanda’s defenses hold up SUPER WELL, like, lol, fuck you Proxima Midnight and Cull Obsidian, if it wasn’t for T’Challa decision to open the barrier to give Shuri more time, they never would’ve gotten in to Wakanda.  And then there’s the big fight scene, which was awesome!  I loved the 3 women team-up against Proxima, with Okoye, Wanda, and Natasha.  That was, ungh, fuck, I was so aroused by that scene.  GIVE ME AN ALL-FEMALE MARVEL MOVIE, YOU COWARDS.

...

Switch back to Titan, and there was a very important scene with Stephen that I forgot to mention.  He used the time stone to look into millions of possible futures, and they only win in one of those universes.  That is SO.  IMPORTANT.  because Stephen is absolutely about the greater good, we saw that on the ship when he said that he wouldn’t hesitate to sacrifice Tony and Peter for the time stone.

So the fact that Stephen then GIVES THANOS the time stone to save Tony’s life is SUPER IMPORTANT.  Because if there was only one universe, one set of events, where they won, then you better fucking believe that Stephen is going to follow that universe TO THE LETTER.  Why would he get all sentimental now to save Tony’s life?  No, there are either 2 ways to interpret Stephen’s actions: 1) In the universe where they won, it was necessary for them to “lose” first by Thanos getting all of the infinity stones.  Thus, despite what the others on Titan thought, Stephen never intended to subdue Thanos and take the gauntlet, and really only intended to eventually “give in” and give him the time stone.  Or 2) The only way to defeat Thanos is for Tony to be alive.  Tony is instrumental for Thanos’ eventual defeat, and so, Stephen thought it was a necessary sacrifice, to give Thanos the time stone in exchange for Tony’s life, and thus, the chance to defeat Thanos for good.

I’m kind of leaning towards the latter, although both are certainly possible.  The fact that Thanos KNEW Tony - specifically calling him “Stark” when they first met, and saying that “we are both cursed with knowledge?” - fuck that really points to Tony having cosmic significance here, and I am INTO it.  I’m kinda worried that they’re gonna have some sort of Harry & Voldemort link(?), where Tony has been having visions for the past 6+ years about Thanos, and Thanos has been having similar visions about Tony?  IDK, but I’m definitely gonna be reblogging a shit-ton of theories regarding this.

But fuck, when Tony was stabbed.  WHEN TONY WAS STABBED.  I literally almost threw up.  Like, I was kinda prepared for it, but fuck I really was not.  I WAS NOT PREPARED, AT ALL.  Just, his face when he was stabbed, I just wanted to cry and hold my baby and wrap him in a blanket burrito and NEVER LET THANOS TOUCH HIM EVER AGAIN.  I can’t even really talk about that scene, because it fucking destroyed me and I don’t want to think about it.

...

Wow, and back in Wakanda, we have another heartbreaking scene, fuck me in my fucking asshole.  Wanda having to destroy the mind stone, and thus, Vision.  WOW.  WOWWW I was crying so fucking hard, FUCK, why do I love Scarlet Vision so much, this movie wouldn’t have been so painful, goddammit.  I also want to wrap them both in blanket burritos, because this is so unfair.

But, the good thing about Thanos using the time stone to get the mind stone back is somewhat a good thing, because Vision’s body was no longer destroyed - he just had the mind stone ripped out of his head.  He’s an android - as long as his “corpse”/body is still intact, there’s the possibility for them to retrieve the mind stone and resurrect him.  So, I kind of have tentative hope for Vision?  But I don’t know.

...

And then.  We get to the very end.

Thor comes in and stabs Thanos (which, thank God) (also, i totally forgot to mention that whole subplot with Thor, Rocket, and Groot, along with surprise cameo, Peter Dinklage???  What the fuck?  I mean, I wasn’t complaining, but I was super shocked).

But Thanos is able to snap his fingers and then he disappears...and they all begin to turn to dust.

This was such a bold move by Marvel, I can’t even explain it.  Like, even if it all gets ret-conned and they’re all brought back to life in Avengers 4 or some shit, it’s still a SUPER BOLD MOVE to end one of your biggest movies with HALF OF THE PROTAGONISTS DYING INSTANTLY, and the antagonist seemingly WINNING.

But, another part that was very important - before Stephen faded away, he told Tony that “this was the only way”, which again, only supports the theory that Stephen knew exactly what he was doing and that this was the only way for them to win.

Honestly, watching all of them die was really painful.  Bucky, Sam, Wanda, T’Challa(?!?!?!?!), Stephen, Peter Quill, but...

As many people have already said, my heart broke when Peter started fading away in Tony’s arms.  Fuck that scene fucked me up.  As someone in the theater said, “HE’S JUST A KID, MARVEL.”  Like, goddammit.  And the fact that he felt it coming because of the spidey sense??  Wow, how much more painful can you get, I hate this!!!  And him falling into Tony’s arms, oh my god, just kill me already.  I don’t want to talk about it.  I can’t even think about it anymore.

Just.  Ugh.

...

Alright, I’m done.  That’s my thoughts.  It ended on such a sad and hopeless note, I honestly don’t know where to go from here, other than read fluffy fanfiction for the next few months and reblog the shit out of theories and metas.

FUCK.  This movie really fucked me up.

#mine #avengers 3 #iw spoilers #marvel #rant

[therainroguefanfiction]

🔥 ℝise Ⱥbove I̾t ◈ Chapter 018 [Calming Peppermint]

📑 Table of Contents | ◂Backward

Word Count: 3,126

⊱ ────── {⋅. 🔥 .⋅} ────── ⊰

〈“Did you think that I would surrender easily? That just like that, you were gettin’ rid of me? Is that the way you saw it all go down? I don’t think so.” Simple Plan, “Last One Standing”〉

⊱ ────── {⋅. 🔥 .⋅} ────── ⊰

The defeated villains were beginning to stir and decided to try and stop Toshi, but he easily took them down, heading straight toward the broken and battered Aizawa. I kneeled down, looking at the hole in my skin; I could see the muscle tissue.

Toshi turned to us and in the blink of an eye, I felt my body being lifted off the ground. A second later, he put us all down on the ground a safe distance from the two villains. “Everybody, back to the entrance. And take Aizawa with you, he doesn’t have much time!”

I had never heard his voice so full of anger before. I couldn’t tell if it was because of the villains or anger toward himself for not being here. Probably a bit of both.

“Y-Yes, sir!”

“Ribbit!”

“You saved us, All Might…”

I helped lift Aizawa onto Izuku’s back, the perverted grape holding up his feet up off the ground.

“All Might, you can’t. That brain villain took One for – uh, I smashed him and it didn’t break my arm this time, but he wasn’t fazed at all! He’s too strong!”

“Young Midoriya!” Toshi turned around with a wide smile, a bit forced, in my opinion, and flashed him a peace sign. “I got this!” This reassured the three and they started toward the entrance, but I stayed put. “You, too, young Jen.”

I scoffed. “Not even on a taco’s life, mate.”

“Now is not the time to be stubborn,”

I grinned, squatting down with my hand between my legs to steady myself. “Take the stage, Toshi. I think they’re getting impatient.”

He heaved a deep sigh before turning around and rushing at the big guy, fist poised for attack. “Carolina… SMASH!”

Despite taking the full brunt of the attack, that fuckin’ bird brain wasn’t even fazed by the attack. He tried to grab Toshi but he bent backward to dodge before punching him again. Punch after punch after punch, none of it fazed this fucker.

“Doesn’t even matter where I punch you, does it?”

“That’s because Nomu here has shock absorption, All Might. The only way you’re going to hurt him is to slowly gouge out his flesh. Of course, I don’t think he’ll sit back and let you do that. You’ve finally met your match!”

God, that blue-haired prick is really annoying.

“Thanks for telling me how to beat him!” Toshi grabbed the thing around the waist. “All I have to do is wear him down, then it’s on to you!” He performed a suplex on the thing, slamming his head into the ground. Dust filled the area, a strong gust of wind nearly knocking me back onto my ass.

The smoke cleared and my eyes widened.

“Oh, come on, what kind of cheap move was that?”

That goddamn warp gate! He opened up a portal before the attack, allowing Nomu to appear from the ground under Toshi, his fingers digging into his sides. I could see the blood soaking his white dress shirt.

“Nice! You were trying to bury him in the concrete so he couldn’t move around anymore. Sorry, that won’t work. Nomu’s as strong as you are, that won’t stop him. Nice work, Kurogiri, we’ve got him just where we want him now.”

Toshi let go of Nomu’s waist, trying to pry his grip from his waist. Should I try and help? But my flames do no damage to that thing, and I risk hurting Toshi in the process. Shit.

“Kurogiri,”

His golden eyes narrowed as his portal started to shrink. “Normally, I wouldn’t want blood and viscera flooding the insides of my warp gates, but I’ll make an exception for a hero as great as you. Since you’re too fast to see with the human eye, Nomu had to restrain you. And once he’s pulled your body halfway through, I’ll squeeze the gate shut! I’m going to enjoy tearing you to pieces!”

My blood started to boil as my quirk activated, but before I could act, a green blur rushed past me.

“I’m coming!” Izuku was rushing toward Toshi.

Dumbass!

The warp appeared in front of him and I sprung forward. My arm wrapped around his waist just as Bakugo appeared, setting off an explosion right in our face. “Get the hell out of my way, Deku! Bitch!”

I grunted, shoving Izuku behind me as Bakugo grabbed the metal piece hidden within the shadow body, pinning him to the ground. The temperature around us dropped, sending a chill down my spine as a stream of ice shot toward Nomu, stopping just before it touched Toshi. What amazing control.

“One of your poorly trained thugs told me you’re here because you think you can kill All Might.”

That goddamn Peppermint. Why do I always feel so calm when his voice reaches my ears? It makes no goddamn sense! What makes this brat so special? I shook my head. No, stay focused, dumbass. This ain’t over yet.

With Nomu frozen, Toshi was able to break free from his grip. A flash of red went straight for Tomura, but the villain dodged, jumping backward. “Man, that was gonna be so cool.”

“Guess I found your body that time, you smoky bastard!” Bakugo grinned.

“The symbol of peace will not be defeated by delinquents like you,” Peppermint announced.

“Kacchan… everyone…” Izuku looked ready to start crying.

I stepped forward, making sure I was standing between Tomura and the boys.

“Kurogiri… how could you let this brat get the best of you? You’ve gotten us into a real jam, here…”

“Heh, you got careless, ya dumb villain! It wasn’t hard to figure you out! Only certain parts of you turn into that smoking warp gate. You use that mist to hide your actual body as a kind of distraction. Thinking that made you safe. That’s why we missed… but if you didn’t have a body, you wouldn’t be wearing this neck armor, right?! You’re not immune to physical attacks if they’re well aimed!”

I glanced back at him. This kid is pretty smart. “Don’t get over-confident, Bakugo.”

“Don’t tell me what to do, bitch! And you – don’t move!” Small explosions came from behind me. “You try anything funny and I’ll blow your ass up so bad they’ll be piecing you back together for weeks!”

My lips twitched up at that. I like this kid’s style.

“That doesn’t sound very heroic…” Red sweatdropped.

“Nomu,”

At this simple command, the creature pulled its body through the gate, its frozen limbs breaking and falling off.

“How is that thing still moving? He’s all messed up!”

I took a defensive stance, hands heating up.

“Stay back, everybody!” Toshi ordered.

Wait… are his limbs regenerating?! Is this bitch Deadpool’s ugly ass cousin?

“What is this? I thought you said his power was shock absorption!” Toshi took a fighting stance, waiting for the enemy’s next move.

“I didn’t say that was his only quirk. He also has super regeneration. Nomu has been modified to take you on even at one hundred percent of your power. He’s basically a highly efficient punching bag that hits back.”

Modified? Like a human experiment? What the fuck…

“First, we need to free our method of escape. Get ’em, Nomu!”

“Bakugo!” I screamed, turning my body, but Nomu was a lot faster than me.

“Jen!” Toshi screamed my name as he turned and I knew what he wanted.

“I got ’em!” I ignored the pain surging through me, focusing my mind on the spot directly beside the blonde. Toshi was too fast for me to see, but just as I appeared in that spot, Bakugo’s body slammed into mine, making me slide backward. His elbow hit my ribs and I bit back a string of curses, tasting blood on my tongue. The force of Nomu slamming into Toshi created a huge gust of wind. I had to dig my heels into the ground to stay upright, my arms tightening around the boy’s waist.

“Ugh, such force… Kacchan!”

“Stop screaming,” I muttered, shoving the blonde away from me, spitting out the blood onto the ground. Man, that is not a good taste, especially on an empty stomach.

Peppermint sent me a look similar to worry, but I looked away from him, wiping my mouth.

“Woah, that’s awesome! You dodged him!”

“Shut up. No, I didn’t, ya damn nerd.”

“Then how’d you get over here?” Red asked.

“Ya’ll can’t seriously be this fucking dumb,” I muttered.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Peppermint snapped his eyes to the clearing smoke where Toshi stood, coughing. “All Might threw him out of the way, and Winchester caught him.”

“These are kids and you didn’t hold back?” Toshi was sounding angry again.

“I didn’t have much choice. He was threatening my companion. Besides, these kids are no angels! The plain-looking one, he tried to kill me with a maxed out punch. What kind of hero does something like that? You think you can get away with being as violent as you want if you say it’s for the sake of others. Well, you know what, All Might? That pisses me off!”

“Will you shut the fuck up already?” I growled, taking a step forward. “You came here and challenged us and then you wanna talk about violence? You’re whining and bitching like a little kid that got his fucking toy stolen. Grow the fuck up, Tomura!”

“Shut your mouth, Jen Winchester.” He glared at me. “I’ll deal with you after I get done with All Might. Wait your turn.”

“Suck my dick, you blue-haired freak!”

“How vulgar. You may look like your mother, but you certainly didn’t get her personality.” He grinned widely and I felt a presence appear behind me. I turned my body just as Golem snatched the dagger from my waist, slashing the tip of the blade across my stomach and chest in one fluid motion.

“Jen!” Izuku cried, but I lifted my hand, raising a line of fire between them and me.

“Mind your own fuckin’ business, Izuku!” I glared at Golem. “I’ve had about enough of your ugly ass fuckin’ face!” One hand grabbed the wrist holding the dagger while the other hand grabbed his face, my hand engulfed in flame. He screamed in pain, clawing at my wrist. My body beat in time with my heart and I felt my control starting to slip. I’ve been in this form for too long and with my injuries, I can’t hold on much longer. Damn it all to hell!

I cried out, slamming the back of his head against the ground. It didn’t make a crater like Nomu’s had, but the cement still split from the force.

I stood up on shaky legs, my skin burning as I gasped in air. “Oi… Peppermint.”

He blinked, tilting his head. “Me?”

Yes you, you fuckin’ – “Listen carefully. If I lose control… of my quirk. You gotta… you gotta freeze my body, understand?”

“But -”

“Just fucking do it!”

He chewed on his lip for a moment before slowly nodding. “Okay… I will.”

“Good,” Because I don’t think I can hold on much longer. Is this what it feels like when Toshi is fighting to keep his muscled form up?

“Jen-san…” Izuku stepped closer to the fire, which had lowered considerably.

Tomura clicked his tongue. “See what I mean? She just burned the face off of my companion. Why do people get to decide that some violent acts are ‘heroic’ and others are ‘villainous’? Casting judgment as to what’s good and what’s evil. You think you’re the symbol of peace? You’re just another government-sponsored instrument of violence. And violence always breeds more violence. I’ll make sure the world understands that once you’re dead.”

“You’re nothing but a lunatic. Criminals like you always try to make your actions sound noble, but admit it – you’re only doing this because you like it. Isn’t that right?” Toshi responded.

“He’s got me figured out.”

“We’ve got them outnumbered,” Peppermint commented.

“And Kacchan found the mist guy’s weakness.”

“These dudes may act really tough, but we can take ’em all down now with All Might’s help. Heh, let’s do this!”

I glanced back at them with a scowl. “Are you guys mentally stunted or just suicidal? Sorry, but you four ain’t nowhere near strong enough to handle those three villains. You’ll just get in the way.”

“That’s not fair, Winchester! You’re on the same level as us!” Red complained.

“No, she’s stronger than we are,” Peppermint spoke up, his cold eyes meeting mine.

“Don’t attack! Get out of here!” Toshi ordered, glancing back at them.

“You would’ve been in trouble earlier if it weren’t for me, remember? You need our help.” His cold gaze snapped to Toshi.

“I thank you for your assistance, but this is different! It’s gonna be alright. Just sit back and watch a pro at work.”

Toshi… your voice has changed. You sound stronger, more full of life. But how? You’re hurt, and I know you’re struggling to maintain that form right now. What’s your secret? How do you push so goddamn hard and keep going above and beyond? I don’t get it.

“But you’re too hurt… you’re bleeding and you’re almost out of tim -” Izuku caught himself, quickly glancing at the three boys.

Toshi gave him a thumbs up and a signature grin that looked like he just stepped out of Crest White Strips commercial. He turned to me. “Jen, are you okay?”

I let out a slow breath, mindful of my ribs as I squatted down, placing my palms flat on the ground between my legs. “I’m gonna be honest with you here, Tosh, I don’t know how much longer I got in this form.” Slow, steady breaths. Think of happy thoughts, Jen. Like tacos, yeah tacos are gre – my stomach growled painfully and I blanched. Abort, abort, don’t think of tacos!

“I believe in you, young Jen! Just give me a little more time.” He paused as he turned toward the villains. “When this is all over, I will lift the taco ban.”

“Taco ban? What’s that?” Red whispered to the others.

I laughed despite the pain. “Well, shit, Toshi. Why the fuck didn’t you start with that? I woulda fought harder!” I grinned, feeling my palms heating up. The flame wall shot higher before circling around the four boys, trapping them inside.

“H-Hey!”

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, bitch?!”

I closed my eyes and hummed, focusing on the sound of the flames. “Don’t get too close, Bakugo, fire is hot.”

“You bitch! Are you fucking working with those guys?! Huh?! Answer me, damn it!”

“That shadow guy did know her name…”

I knew you were a dumbass, Bakugo, but come on. I take back what I said about you being smart! Shit, my concentration is slipping…

“You’re wrong. She’s trying to protect us by preventing us from getting involved.”

Calm spread over me and my arms stopped shaking. Damn, this is gonna be embarrassing, but I need the help. “Oi, Peppermint.”

“My name is Todoroki Shoto,”

“That’s great. Don’t care. Just keep talkin’, will ya?”

“…what?”

“Every time my body starts to shake, say something to me.”

I could hear him shift behind me. “Why?”

For fuck’s sake. “Just fucking do it!” I started coughing, blood splattering onto the ground. Fu~ck, my whole body is hurting. It’s getting harder to breathe. I hope my rib doesn’t puncture my fucking lungs.

“What… should I say?”

“I don’t fucking care,” I groaned, lowering my throbbing head. “Your voice keeps me calm and I can’t afford to lose control here, not now!”

“Hah?! What kind of stupid excuse is that?!”

“Bakugo, I swear to the ruler of hell if you don’t shut up – your voice has the opposite effect!”

“Burn…”

“Shut up, shitty hair!”

“I’ve had enough of this. Nomu, Kurogiri, kill him. I’ll deal with Jen Winchester and the children.”

“Like hell, you will, bastard,” I growled, standing up.

“Let’s clear this level and go home.”

“Heads up, Winchester!” Red yelled as Tomura rushed toward me. I grabbed the dagger from the ground, taking a defensive stance. Let’s see if I can’t create some friends to help me out here.

“Flaming creation!” I yelled, sweeping my left hand through the air. The temperature around me rose as fire spread out around me, forming and molding to take the shape of two flaming tigers on either side of me. Before we could even get close to one another, an overwhelming aura flooded my senses, stopping Tomura in his tracks.

Toshi rushed at Nomu, their fists colliding. The blast sent Tomura flying backward and I fell to my knees, the tigers jumping in front of me to shield me from the force.

“Weren’t you listening? One of his powers is shock absorption.”

“Yeah, and what about it?” They matched each other’s punches, going inhumanly fast, their arms nothing but a blur. How the fuck can they move that fast? My eyes can’t follow them at all. The force coming from the two blew out my flames, the tigers turning to smoke as they fizzled out, but it didn’t matter, the boys were unable to stand.

“Whoah, they’re… so fast!” Red slid back against the ground.

“No, I can’t get near them!” Kurogiri cried.

“He said your quirk was only shock absorption, not nullification,” Toshi commented. “That means there’s a limit to what you can take, right?! So, you were made to fight me, huh, big guy? If you can really withstand me firing at one hundred percent of my power, then I’ll have to go beyond that and force you to surrender!”

Holy fucking tap-dancing tacos, are you even human, Toshi?

He sent Nomu flying into the air before giving chase. “A real hero will always find a way for justice to be served!” He grabbed Nomu mid-air, turning his body in a circle before using the force to slam him down to the earth, the ground shattering beneath him. “Now, for a lesson. You may have heard these words before, but I’ll teach you what they really mean. Go beyond…” he cocked his arm back and I felt a wave of stifling power coming from him. “Plus…” his fist slammed into Nomu’s stomach. “…ULTRA!!”

Nomu went flying, slamming into the ceiling of the dome. The lights exploded around him as his body broke through the glass, the entire dome shaking from the sheer force of the blow.

“That was like the finishing move in a video game… He beat the shock absorption right out of him! I’ve never seen that kind of brute strength.”

“Imagine having power like that… He must have been punching that guy so fast he couldn’t regenerate…”

Goddamn, Toshi.

⊱ ────── {⋅. 🔥 .⋅} ────── ⊰

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[familyvisionis2020]

Day 2 - Knoxville

Somehow the post I made about Knoxville got deleted so this is me trying to remember some of it but this is deficient and I am mad and sad I lost that writing because it was good and heartfelt.

Before we went to bed in Asheville we heard birdsong in the trees at like 1am and I said ‘nightbirds?’ and Jeremy laughed a little. Jeremy and John and me remarked in the morning in Asheville how nice it would be live here. The cool mountain breeze was nice. We left the house we were staying at and headed into town. We went to the mechanic first to try to find out what the problem with the van was. The mechanic looked at it and explained it was our pittman arm and the steering box was shot which was causing the play, and that it could be repaired for about $280, and we confirmed with the van owner from whom we are borrowing the van that they would reimburse us for the repair, so we left the van with them, put on sunglasses, walked past the moog factory and down thes street to the Five Points diner. It was a greasy spoon where they served typical Denny’s fare plus a bonus section of greek and italian entrees in the back. I got a big omelet of spinach and feta, hash browns and grits. It felt so warm and full and substantial to eat those things. Later John would remark that “when your needs are met on tour, they’re met so much more intensely,’ which I agree with. Sleep is precious even thought it’s usually cramped and smelly and uncomfortable, the water bottle and coffee cup and meal feel like real ballast and fuel. I had said this more poetically before I lost the post but whatever. We eat our breakfast and then stroll around town for a bit, visit the bookstore Malaprops downtown where I see more muppet-looking people busking and spanging, flying signs, nodding out, sleeping on benches, the nexus of muppet and homeless is an unclear one for me and I try not to be too judgy.  We meet Kabir’s friend Alex Brown at Malaprops, Kabir buys a book called 1491 which is a precolonial history of the US I think, we walk down town past one plaza and to a park with a bandshell and a stage and a lawn cordoned off because two men are testing the sprinkler system. The soil near the bench where we sit is aerated and I confirm the squat columns of earth littering the ground are soil and not goose shit. We all four sit on a long bench and all cross our legs together and read each of our individual books in this way that was kind of comically synchronized, so much so that Kabir just bent over so we wouldnt look exactly the same. Me and John were on Ursula K Leguin and Kabir on Kingdom Cons by Yuri Herera, a novella, and Jeremy on Capitalist Realism on his kindle. A townie ambles by, he has a deeply asymmetrical hircut with a shock of purple dyed hair on a mostly shaved head, a loud Pittsburh steelers hat, a cane, and that familiar mix of affability and psychosis that seems to characterize a lot of home bums. He sees us all reading and remarks: “I like Shakespeare myself.” Mercifully, he walks on, goes to another group of tourists down the sidewalk and does something that’s not quite heckling and not quite visiting with them. 

We leave, the drive is short, we have had the steering box/pittman arm/linkage repaired and so the play is gone out of the steering but the wheel itself is permanently at 10 o clock and evidently it wants to drift left. Jeremy is driving and negotiating the misalignment expertly, we agree to find a place to get this fixed in Knoxville. On the drive we listen to Blue Smiley, The Durutti Column, Andy Shauf, Frank Zappa, Toro y Moi, Toshifumi Hinata, and best of all we listen to a track called “Style and City’ by Stand High Patrol, which is just an upbeat litany of naming music genres and then naming the city that genre originated, a genius idea, Jeremy said it came on in a club in Brooklyn and the crowd got incredibly loud and everybody loved it. This time around on tour rather than despairing at the poverty of my music knowledge as compared to the expansive encyclopedic aural erudity of the boys in the band, instead I just ask what song is on when I like a song and like it on my Spotify. The other day my friend was asking me where I find out about new music from and I said without thinking ‘I just borrow my music taste from my friends’ which like yes, of course I do. I had this issue for a long time like I must be the originator of my taste, that I must dig in the crates and find the rarest music that no one has ever heard of before, and that I must never be influenced by anyone. Which is dogshit egotism, I’m pleased and relaxed to learn that I can just ask and my bandmates will happily give me a track ID and not think twice of it, and I can take these new songs home with me to enjoy and share. 

We get into Knoxville and there’s a giant JFG sign that looks about a century old and a bizarre system of concrete staircases snaking and zigzagging and carved into a steep hill and I want to go visit them but we end up not visiting them. We get to the house we’re staying at, the people who live there are Royal and Kayla, ‘betrothed’ is how Royal describes his Kayla, they are married. Royal is an architect, exceedingly kind and jubilant and gregarious and gets close to you and involves you in jokes and has a laugh that comes so easy and his jaw kind of jerks in time with his jaw and palate when he laughs, the same sort of motion you see in an opera singer or like Mariah Carey when they are modulating vibrato on big belting sung notes. We hang at the house, Kabir breaks out his big thing of homemade chipotle hummus, we start to feast but Kayla brings out a homemade loaf of sourdough she has and then warms up four thick slices in the cast iron and puts a gentle golden crust on it and serves it to us with a big stick of butter on one of those covered narrow butter plates, and also she brings out sweet bell peppers and cuts them into sections we can dip into the hummus, and she pulls out the drum throne from royal’s kit for me to sit on. She’s a nurse, she’s southern in this special way that treats hospitality like breathing, makes it not hard to accept kindnesses and graces. She gets up after eating to work on her pottery, she has a throwing wheel outside in the garage area and she has lined their stone retaining wall with cups and pots she’s made, I learn later that the plates she served us bread off of were all made by her as well. The life she and Royal have in Knoxville seem so breezy and solid and supported and full and healthy. 

Royal is an architect, the home has a couple little miniature homes and buildings made out of what look like high-grade matchsticks. John recognizes a poster on the wall of a friend’s band. Their dog, Willow, approaches me, I get annoyed and think it’s going to be mean or bark or smell bad or be annoying, but then I’m petting it for an hour, she jumps on the couch beside me and I put her in this kind of hug-headlock and fall asleep with her on the couch, Jeremy, I learn later, has taken a picture of this, I feel really happy he did that, and I ask for the picture from him and I send it to a girl I like in an effort to confirm my putative cuteness and genteel nature. When Royal is home we watch funny videos on youtube on his projector, weird interviews with furries and flat-earthers and then of a guy screaming about something while in the middle of traffic outside Universal Studios in L.A., I try to explain to the guys how there was a meme I saw wherein there is a picture of a cat who is reciting the lyrics of a Kanye song but in a cute speech impediment style where it can’t say Rs: “Pwease Baby No Mo Pawties in Ew Ay” and it is basically impossible to explain and gets no laughs and that’s fine and we move on. Jeremy puts on a Vimeo of this incredible short film he made with the title “Guided Meditation for Increased Kill/Death Ratio,” which is exactly what it sounds like, it’s built in Unity, which is like a framework to design video games in, it looks like a generic FPS with a character holding an assault rifle moving down a long spacy looking corridor lined with metal, and with a very calm amniotic ambient track Jeremy comissioned his friend to make, and Jeremy is doing the voiceover, and the conceit is it’s like a guided mindfulness meditation except instead of reducing anxiety or avoiding panic or grappling with trauma or mending depression or whatever the usual purpose of these meditations are (meditations I do daily, using the app Headspace, btw, which no one here knows as far as i know), instead of that, the purpose is to like reassure the video game player that they are a perfect efficient killing machine. Stuff like ‘focus on the feeling in your HUD, now the feeling in your body armor, now the feeling in your M4A1 carbine, now visualize your next spawn, you are not your avatar, you are pure death’ something along those lines, and it hits hard home for me being a former competitive Counter Strike player and casual Halo and Call of Duty player and now being like mentally ill to whatever extent I am such that I believe I require these meditations. ITs really well executed, the player glides through corridors, clips through the ceiling, encounters nebulas and NPCs and aliens and eventually spirals into space. Jeremy shows the original video that inspired him, same basic thing but in a virtual Costco rather than in a FPS. We move slow, Royal screen prints tee shirts for his band, Tired Frontier, on his living room table as we watch the videos. The plan is to spend tonight and the next three tour dates wth Tired Frontier. We eventually go to the show.

It’s a house show, the name of the place is CBD Castle, above the front door they have a huge cardboard sign that says CBDB’s in the style of CBGB’s and there’s a big porch with a huge couch on it and a guard rail thing that you can sit on or prop your feet on perfectly if you’re slouched way down on the couch. We mingle a little, the show gets started, the opening act is Kind Magic, which it becomes evident is something of a joke band, perfectly suited to a house show, they don’t take themselves too seriously, they mostly have just mustaches, 80s style, one guy has wraparound oakleys, he’s the lead singer, he climbs up on his bass amp at one point. Royal comes in, and people start moshing, gently, just like running into each other, Jeremy does a silly dance and I watch it happen and I want to do it and I have to wait a few songs to get up the courage but eventually I give it up and start spinning around and let myself get bounced around and I am 32 years old and feel just right and not self conscious and silly and afraid how I used to always feel at the metalcore concerts when I was 16 in Ace’s Basement in Greensboro and the moshing was this awful violent masculine chauvanist bullshit thing. This is the opposite. One song, the lead singer, it becomes evident, is chanting “Pogo! Pogo! POGO!” and I think this means pogo mosh but it does not, it means the drummer gets up off his throne and picks up a big pogo stick he has secreted in the corner and starts jumping up and down on it WHILE playing a complex drum pattern on the drums, it is unreal the level of dexterity and coordination this guy has, I learn later that he spends half the year touring with a professional pogo troupe whose gigs are mostly basketball halftime shows, and include a guy named Danger Rus, aka Russel The Muscle. This band rips and is so fun and loosens everybody up and people are drinking and getting kind of sloppy and I plan to be mad and indignant about this but instead I just don’t care and it’s lovely. Next up is us.

We set up, I get to use the backline kit so load in is minimal, just setting up breakables again. We get locked in, Kabir revs us up, we get started, and right from the jump either I pushed the tempo with my count-off or the guys pushed the tempo or we all did most likely, but we are playing louder and faster than last night and I am going in all the way hard on the drums, playing with my whole body, i come down with my right hand on the floor tom so hard my butt bounces up off the throne, I’m surprised but I like that so I keep letting that happen, I head bang as hard as possible, my neck is immediately sore and hurting but the crowd is crazy live, everyone is dancing after a few songs. I manage to thrash the wingnute off the hihat clutch which and try to repair it, flounder, and give up, which all that means is I can’t modulate the hi hat and so our set is just louder and more raw which matches the room anyways. By the last two songs the people are dancing so hard that I give up my usual veneer of grimacing and lasering my eyes to the side or corner to avoid the crowd, instead of grimacing what I do is watch what is happening in the crowd, which is the crowd smiling dancing moshing grooving with us, with me, and I get a huge smile on my face which I can’t hide and I’m so incredibly happy just playing and being heard by these people. We end and Royal rallies the crowd and they chant ONE MORE SONG ONE MORE SONG for like 3 minutes but we just don’t know another one, and so there’s no encore, but how special and lovely to be asked to do one.

Tired Frontier plays and they rock and they have keys by Paul who has a master’s in music theory and currently pursuing a second music masters in production or something. Royal has 10 pedals I think, and a super weird tuning, and they make a big wall of ambient noise between the keys from Paul and the feedback from Royal’s “stack,” which is his guitar running through a Fender guitar combo for an amp and with a Fender bass combo for effects. Their set is a little longer and the vocals don’t come through that clear and they don’t give super clear definitions to the start and end of their songs so the set may have been 4 or 7 songs. They finish, and I am so starving hungry I get the keys from Kabir and go to the van and eat about a half a jar of peanut butter and an apple and then go lay on the big white couch outside and just doze, super tired. It starts raining sheets and we learn from somebody that Knoxville’s adjacency to the mountains makes it a temperate rain forest and it rains almost every day. It’s warm and breezy and perfect. Me Kabir and John go get taco bell, the best taco bell in town, I just order the same thing as Kabir rather than taking a million years to choose and that works out great, two spicy potato soft tacos, and we just sit in the parking lot and wolf and chomp. The parking lot is sparkling, spotless, a big street sweeper truck is skrrting around finishing the job, someone who I imagine is on opiates walks very very slowly up to our van and then walks away. Someone is asleep outside near a building in the strip mall. Some car drives up and maybe drops off food or clothes. We go back to CBDB’s Jeremy is involved in a dance party there, Paul is choosing tunes based off what he calls ‘forgotten hits from the 80s.’ We eventually go back to Royal’s I fall asleep almost immediately on the couch. 

[martywurst]

YEAR 2: The Worst Comedian

"Coming up right now, I hope he brings his...BEST material, uhhh, MARTY WURST MUCH?"

After bombing this particular set at the Silverlake Lounge, the host added,

"Marty Wurst...he has the secret to comedy, being loud."

That got a big laugh of course and nothing felt worse than some cheap shot after I already bombed. Everyone there hated me. It was like high school all over again. I'd go to these mics and sure, I sucked, but it struck me that the same group of stuffy assholes were laughing at each other's sets no matter how lousy their jokes were.

Self-deprecating comment (laughter). Fuck my life! (laughter) I should probably just kill myself (laughter, clapping). I don't even want to do comedy tonight...(standing ovation, ticker-tape parade, group orgy ensues).

Then I'd go up and just... nothing. Crickets puking.

I started off in 2013 with an adventurous spirit, where I was willing to try characters and bizarre bits on stage, but the constant bombing made me shy away- plus comedians I looked up to were always insisting, "You have to make it personal."

I've always resisted that. Why can't I just be goofy and absurd?

Nobody was buying it. They saw through my lies and I couldn't sell it, that's why.

I was determined to hit mics, though. Once I spent 5 hours on public transportation for a whopping 7 minutes of stage time. I must've been out of my fucking mind. One night I missed the last bus and was stuck in Hollywood, so I just wandered around for a few hours until I could take the train back to Long Beach the next morning. I wanted to hang out at The Comedy Store until 2 a.m., but I couldn't miss that last train!

I didn't mind taking the Blue Line up to Hollywood at first. I could read, listen to podcasts, work on jokes, and not worry about traffic. 90 minute trip. Honestly, I was afraid to start driving again, but Claire eventually persuaded me to take her car, for safety's sake. There were a couple of late nights where some drunken assholes tried to mess with me on the train and I finally said fuck public transportation. It's not worth it.

The first year I hit 88 mics. The second year was closer to 200, which is still nothing compared to what most comics do in my circle. I tried to hit 4 to 8 mics a week and anything under that felt lazy. I would get moody and depressed. Sometimes I'd be out of town for the holidays and I'd be lucky to get one mic in, it was something, but then a week would go by and it'd feel like starting over again.

Explaining this process to my family always came off apologetic. It's hard for anyone outside of comedy to understand that you have to go up almost daily. I sure as hell didn't know. The fact that I was barely getting booked must've seemed like a spectacular failure to them. It still feels bad. I can't really brag about going up in bars and coffee shops. The whole bringer show fantasy was gone and now it was time to put in the actual work.

Sept. 2014, Jeanne Whitney and I took a short jaunt to San Diego for a gig at the Second Wind Bar on Navajo Road. It was my first taste of taking a drive with a friend and doing a show more than an hour away.

The Second Wind Bar (which has since closed down) was an ugly little dive bar with a pretty good stage, but hey- a show! Plus, they brought in a giant pizza- we're getting paid! The dude who put us up on the show was nice enough and the place definitely had some colorful customers.

Funny how we were just a couple of hours away and the place felt like a total redneck bar in middle America. A couple of loud, drunken ladies were trying to size me up and had a few questions about my act:

"Are you going to do jokes about Mexicans?"

"Nah, nothing like that. Just goofy stuff."

"Are you going to do jokes about Asians, like how they're bad drivers?"

"No.'

The second hag-in-command got excited,

"You should, because it's actually true. I had one cut me off on the way here! Asians can't drive!"

"I KNOW," first hag interrupted, "You're going to do jokes about JEWS."

"Probably," I said.

The way she said it, too, "JEWHOOOOS," made it particularly offensive, but at least she was enthusiastic about a comedy show. Now that there was the possibility of a racist act, the ladies would probably stick around. They might even throw out some extra tags or slurs.

I should've opened with, "So a Mexican, an Asian, and a JEWHOOO walk into a bar..."

A phone went off during my set, but other than that, the ladies were surprisingly cooperative. Maybe they couldn't handle the suspense.

When is he gonna say what I'm thinking? Here it comes...wait for it...maybe he forgot, I'll help him! (mouthing the word) jeh-whooooooo.

They tore into Jeanne instead. Jeanne fought back and was really funny--I wish I had recorded that set!

Then there was the Kill Tony show in The Belly Room. I'd tried to get up for weeks and listened to the podcast a lot. It's a crazy, wickedly funny, and occasionally maddening experience. The hosts are so mean-spirited and for some reason I still wanted to do it. The guests were a huge part of the appeal: They've had Moshe Kasher, Bill Burr, Sarah Silverman, Doug Benson, Roddy Piper, Ian Edwards--it was pretty impressive.

Comics are picked randomly out of a bucket, then they perform 1 minute of standup in front of the hosts and a couple of guest comedians. Then there's a post interview that usually involves a lot of cheap shots and ridicule at the amateur's expense. There's rarely any constructive criticism, but it does make for an entertaining show. Tony Hinchcliffe is the snarky and quick-witted host, Brian Redban is the sleazy sidekick, and there's an audience of Neanderthals that gobble up juvenile behavior. Plus, you got a guy in an Iron Patriot costume standing there for the whole show. He was sort of the show's perverted mascot. The original guy was fired, so various comedians were subbing inside a cheaper get-up.

I used to see the original Iron Patriot character standing on the bus and holding onto the rail because he couldn't sit down in that expensive suit.

During the show, I hung out in the green room and would just hover in the hall when they were calling up the next guy. They only get 5 to 6 people up each episode, and I was so used to not getting up. It was one of those nights when I started to regret signing up altogether and kind of hoped I'd be passed by again. Jamar Neighbors and Brian Moses were the guest hosts--I barely knew those guys and couldn't care less. Eccentric comedian Mugzilla had just stormed out of the room. He went after Jamar Neighbors for being a paid regular and then threw the mic down, marching off in a huff. Eddie Whitehead Jr. followed him, doing his Samuel L. Jackson schtick and then plugging his documentary on Youtube. Then I was called.

I hurried out of the green room and was completely out of breath during my entire set. I sucked hard, the material was dumb, and the interview that followed is what temporarily destroyed me. I'm a sensitive guy and not cut out for The Comedy Store's frat-boy behavior. I've always been the pussy.

They took it easy on me by the end, but the damage was done. Like Tony said, I was about to cry--I felt like shit. I kept doing these stupid bits and everyone would take it as an insult to their intelligence. I felt misunderstood and they had basically told me to quit. My voice alone seemed to infuriate Moses.

You gotta build your armor Wurst, they tare you down to make you stronger.

Are you serious? So you only thrive at the Store if you're a fucking bully?

Anyway, it was a painful lesson. I didn't grow up with a bunch of friends constantly ribbing me at school. I'm not used to being called a pedophile for entertainment purposes. It wasn't a joke at my expense, it was just punishment. My material was that annoying to them.

Somehow I made one friend on Twitter.

I'd done The Laugh Factory "audition/open mic" a few times. The owner Jamie Masada was there on my second try, but I got passed over. The process got old pretty quick and it seemed like the serious comedians I knew were avoiding that place anyway. It makes me feel good to know that Jamie had to sit through my armpit farts. TOO CONCEPTUAL, JAMIE? DID THAT ONE GO OVER YOUR HEAD?

I was really gunning for a showcase, taking schoolyard behavior to the stage. I would forget about The Laugh Factory for months and then go back with no expectations.

Bombing at The Comedy Store potluck for the first time was exhilarating. That room is pure magic. Unlike the Laugh Factory, that club never felt like a waste of time.

You sign up at 6 p.m. with 50+ comics and wait until 6:45 for the list to be posted. It's a long shot; a combination of new names that pop out, friends of the hosts, and maybe a couple of randoms. I'd hear comics grumble over and over that it's rigged, but I brought a buddy who just started standup and he was picked the first time he signed up, so you never know.

Anyway, on December 1, 2014, they posted the list and Brandon Brickz called it out,

"Marty Wurst!"

(sings) I've got the gol-den ti-cketttt!

It really was exciting. Plus Jeremiah Watkins was hosting, who I sort of knew.

You talk to comics about the Original Room and I'm sure they'll say the same thing. There's so much history, it's got the perfect stage, perfect lighting, and the whole room is painted black, so everyone is focused on the performer. It's also the most deadly when you bomb.

I bombed for 3 minutes and Jeremiah was merciful on my exit.

"Guys, he had stage presence, he had character work... should've given a little bit more than that."

The performance sucked for a number of reasons, but I finally did it.

I'd had a good set on this stage before, but it was a bringer show. The potluck open mic actually meant something. I was finally a comedian. A shitty one, but I'd been coming for months and I finally got my 3 minutes. It felt like an honest failure. Many more to come.

To be continued... (when my girlfriend proofreads the next chunk)

#standupcomedyblog #standupcomedy #martywurst #jeannewhitney #killtony #comedystorepotluck #thewurstcomedian #theworstcomedian