#this was a work of love during quarantine and my freshman year self would be screaming at all the lovely things you all say!

[fleetn-crab85]

hello again everyone! I just want to thank everyone who interacted with the last post about the LEGO Newsies! I genuinely wasn't expecting it to take off like that! A lot of you asked for more, so this is a side by side between the actual Seize The Day dance break and our LEGO version. I hope you all enjoy!

ALSO: I'm going to be using the tag #lego newsies for any more posts about it!

Feel free to leave a comment or reblog with what you'd like to see next!

#I know it doesn't sync up perfectly but I don't care #on a more positive note #I literally can't thank you all enough #this was a work of love during quarantine and my freshman year self would be screaming at all the lovely things you all say! #lego newsies #newsies #musical theatre #stop motion #musicals #crab's blabbering

[marlowe-the-sprout]

My name is Emily —— ———- —————. My middle names are that of my aunts, as per family tradition: girls named after aunts, boys named after uncles. I don’t have any uncles by blood.

I am 9 years old and get called out for reading during class. I find a new hiding spot to read in during library hours. We paint tiny self-portraits on the wall next to the Crucifix. Every red and white flag is hung below a man executed for disrupting the peace among a strict state.

I am 10 years old and when pressed for which boy I have a crush on, I choose one of my friends to get them off my back. The other girls assure me that he likes me too.

I am 11 years old and want to be around one of my classmates more because I related a lot to him. I interpret it as a crush and against my mum’s suggestions, I send him a love letter and have a friend of mine deliver it in class. I contemplate just not signing it, and I’ll regret signing it in years to come, when my difficulties in interpreting my sentiments cause a running joke.

I am 12 years old and I am wearing fitted leggings at practice because they are warm, comfortable, and stay out of the way. I am suddenly aware of every single middle-aged man in the small crowd in the stands.

I am 13 years old and I have read PJO cover to cover multiple times, and every piece of Rick Riordan’s mythology series. I give in and read Harry Potter in the span of a few months between the school library and my dad’s copies on the bookshelf. My best friend introduces me to AO3, and my life will feel like it has never been the same. I read of familiar characters, new OC’s, magic and time-travel and alternate universes and the exploration of every “what if…?”.

I am 14 years old and I have accepted that I will never be heard in a class discussion. I am a pleasure to have in class, though I seem to have trouble staying on task in Maths. I am praised for my maturity and volume control by the conductor.

I am 15 years old and would rather read than live. Hairdressers are impressed with how thick my hair is and I hate my body. I dye my hair pink and purple and like the green it fades to.

I am 16 years old and I have accepted that my best friend will never like me back. I black out when I stand up from bed. I contemplate the existence of God as I pick at split-ends.

I am 17 years old and I haven’t eaten a proper breakfast in years because it makes me feel sick. I have accepted my back acne and my english teacher is my favourite because she makes me feel heard. My first car accident is labeled as a hit-and-run because I donn’t hear the metal scraping as I backed into someone’s bumper and drive away. I accept a friend’s confession and immediately regret it on two unique occasions.

I am 18 and my graduation dress never touches a stage. Maisey dies a few weeks into quarantine and I have to explain it to M. Gaudreau. Our grad photos are up around main street to satisfy the parents, and though I am faced with my perfectly curled hair every time I pass through the roundabout, I put more energy into ignoring the anti-mask rally facebook posts.

I am 19 and my hair is cut progressively shorter; to my collarbone, shoulder, and then ears. My septum is pierced and I admire my small breasts and soft waist, until I don’t anymore. I tell my mum that I think I’m autistic, and she says she “doesn’t see” me being autistic. I wonder how much of my personality is performative. I go to work at the openly LGBTQ friendly cafe. I can only stand drinking at home and hardly leave my dorm.

I tell my friends my pronouns are they/them, and my closest friend says that I’ll always be their little sister. It was meant to be reassuring, I think. I read of wings and fae and shapeshifters and found family until 5 AM.

I realize that the others in my friend group seek out dates and want to have sex with them. I start playing minecraft on my laptop in my freshman year of University. I lose my first worlds between updates, and I’ll never see that pocket of universe ever again.

I rebuild at the start of sophomore year. I find villages, screenshot coordinates of pink sheep, build a base in a flower field among spruce and snowy mountains. I expand, making an apiary, a greenhouse, a barn(filled with cows and chickens). I sit mining for hours, cautiously avoiding large caves and lava pools. I acquire stacked armour, develop my home village, and brew potions. I explore thousands of blocks out, and finally think to build a tower that will always lead me home.

I cry to songs because of animatics of fanfictions of fictional characters; I cry over lost minecraft worlds; I cry when I miss my mum and dad; I cry because I miss my cat; I cry when I get into an argument with my grandma; I cry after my first hands-on MVC.

I do not cry when my best friend says that I will always be her little sister.

I do not cry when my Mum tells me that I’ll always be her youngest daughter.

I do not cry when my sister decides it is time to ring herself out of PRFD.

I do not cry when I freeze up around exams and barely scrape past.

I do not cry when a potential friend reacts negatively and yet still attempts to be polite about the pronoun question.

I haven’t ever had a regular period, and I’m scared. If I take birth control, will my body change? Will I lose my facial hair? Will my breasts get bigger? I hate my body enough as is, thank you.

My ankles and knees almost constantly hurt to some degree.

I take a RAADS-AD test and score a 157.

I find it difficult to fall asleep without something to hug and a weighted blanket.

I delete my Tindr profile, as if I ever truly felt the need to pursue any matches romantically.

I wonder if I’ll ever show my true self unapologetically. I wonder if anyone will ever accept my most authentic person, including myself.

I wonder if I’ll ever view myself as anything more than a burden to carry.

I hate looking at pictures of myself, because I have none that are recent enough to be accurate.

I am 19 years old and browse names with my sister in our shared apartment. I like the name Emmett, or maybe Adrian?

I think about neopronouns. It would be cool, but anyone whose opinions matter wouldn’t bother or make time for it. They’d debate things like the dictionary definitions, as if dictionaries are rule books, not records. They’d debate the use of “they” in singular form, saying that they just aren’t used to it; they aren’t willing to change. They won’t be willing to learn about identities without me being their personal LGBT2SQ+ tutor. They won’t be willing to learn about what exactly it means for someone to be genderfluid, for their identity to be more flexible than they could ever fully comprehend.

They will call me daughter, niece, sister.

But my name is not Emily; my name is Marlowe.

I am 20 years old, and I am a person.

#gender stuff #genderqueer #genderfluid #afab genderfluid #identity #fandom #minecraft #escapism #go to therapy #miscommunication #poetry #catholic school #heteronormativity #allonormativity #asexuel #demiromantic

[loveinhereyes]

Why I hate my friends!

First, let’s give these people names. We’ll call them Jessica, Camren, and Elizabeth. I’ve known Elizabeth since seventh grade and the other two since freshman year. (we’re now juniors).

Now, you may be thinking, “Mary Jane! Aren't you supposed to like your friends?” Yes! You are! Which is why it’s so concerning that I hate mine. I like Elizabeth, she doesn't really cause me any problems or distress. Jessica and Camren on the other hand? They’re the root of my problem.

It really all started in January. I had just realized that because I associate with the weird kids, I was a weird kid. My friends are what you’d call...emo? Alternative? goth? (i think one of them is a self proclaimed goth..). Now, I’m all for expressing yourself and dressing how you want; I love seeing people confident in themselves. But with that comes maturing and not acting like a dimwit.

Do you guys remember how people used to talk in 2020? Not just during quarantine but also pre pandemic? (links here here and here for examples). Well that’s how my friends act currently. The funny part about it too is they always talk about how much they “grew” in quarantine and how they’re different people but they act the exact same way that they did freshman year!

Jessica will constantly use slang terms from 2017/2018/2019 UNIRONICLY. They recently came up to me one morning in school and went “*whips* yeet”. In 2022. They also say “uh oh stinky” all. the. time. Jessica also doesn’t eat any fruits or vegetables, swears when it’s not necessary, and complains about not being able to gain weight, knowing i have an ed. Once, Jessica and I were jokingly making fun of each other (before i started to hate them) and as a comeback said to me, “well, at least I’m not of edtwt.” Everyone went silent and my jaw dropped onto the floor. A word of advice, it is NEVER okay to joke about someones disorder, regardless of how close you two are. They also have no work ethic. I sit with them in math class and when we have time to work on homework or test corrections, they never do! They sit around and watch whatever anime they’re obsessed with for the time being. (do yall find cartoon characters attractive? i don’t understand how you could.) 

Camren used to be worse. Like Jessica, he would say weird things and act in weird ways, but in all honesty I just don’t like them. I don’t see him very often because they’re always late to school, but when i do he’s always so mean to me! Theres a fine line between lightheartedly bullying a friend and actually bullying them and Camren has crossed that line too many times.

It feels like im confiend to these people who are stuck so far back while I continue to move forward.

That’s basically the jist of it!!!

#diary #coquette #i hate my friends

[life-with-lo]

About Me!

Hey there! I’m Lola Balli! What’s up? How are you? Hope you’re well! It’s nice to meet you! ♥️

A little quick thing about me and my name: I’m hispanic, my family comes from Spain so my last name is pronounced “Bi-Yee”, but it’s commonly mistaken for “Bay-lee” or “Ball-ee”. My Dad had a different First Name in mind for me, but then one day he listened to the song “The CopaCabana” by: Barry Manilow and decided Lola would be a better fit for me. I’ll admit, I am quite nervous about putting myself out there, but I hope this can be the start of a wonderful thing! 😁

I am a granddaughter/daughter, I’m a sister, I’m a niece/cousin, I’m a friend, I’m a proud Texan, and I’m an aspiring entrepreneur following in the steps of my Father.

My story, just like anyone else’s, is a wild rollercoaster ride! Ups, downs— highs, lows, but in short? I was born in Austin, Texas and moved around a lot around the Lone-Star state with my biological Mother as a little kid, never really having much of a permanent address. I had tough times in school, having ADHD and unsure of how to really make friends, but around 14 I started to figure out who I was as a person and found out what I was passionate about. I enjoyed Theatre in school and took the elective from 6th grade all the way till my Freshman year in high school. I also had a passion for Dance in high school and met a lot of amazing girls and guys because of the department, I am a huge classic movie fan, I love musicals, I love a good tvshow on Netflix, I’m always down to read a good Self-Help book, and what can I say? I’m a sucker for animals! I live in Austin, Texas with my Father, Stepmother, and Brother and our dog, 7! Yes as in the number, there is a whole story to that and if you wanna know more about it, maybe I’ll share it 🤔😉!

As for my occupation currently, I work alongside my Father at our family owned company: CryoFit!

I am passionate about my job as a tech at CryoFit [a full recovery and wellness center] because of the amazing people I see and care for everyday! I learn so much about healing, recovery, ways to improve one’s self. Because if CryoFit, I am always thinking of ways to improve myself and find ways to be better everyday. I began working full time right when COVID-19 struck and we were a bit understaffed. I stepped up, wanting nothing more than to help and learn and become independent as I had just graduated with the Class of 2020! During Quarantine, during the lockdowns and going stir crazy like everybody else, I became a freak about skincare. I did so much research on what I should be using for my skin, for my hair (and it helps my Stepmom owns her own hair salon) and after talking with clients at CryoFit, friends online, and more, I’ve wanted to share the little things I’ve learned this far on this planet — which isn’t much, but I hope it’s enough.

I try to live my life as happy and as carefree as I can. I would like to consider myself an optimist, a goofball, a hardworker, a fun loving person, but truly? I’m a wild, animated mess and there isn’t much more to it and I hope I can at least give helpful insight once in a while and share things that make me smile in hopes of making you smile!

I wanted to start this blog, or whatever you want to call it, as a way to connect with others and share experiences. On Instagram I have gotten DM’s from people asking me questions about life, skincare, how to handle tough heartbreaking situations, people asking for advice. I figured why not create a safe place to talk about it with others.

I want to make Mental Health a topic of discussion and share what I have learned from others throughout growing up. I want to talk about things that make YOU happy and what can help those who read and maybe be an outlet for them to talk about hardships. I want to make this account a place for people to feel comfortable, or talk anonymously, about whatever is on your mind and however I can be of some sort of help.

With what I have learned with people like my Uncle, my Father, Close Friends, my coworkers, my Aunt, my Grandmother, my InstaFriends, I would like to share a bit of what I have been taught and hopefully share those important lessons or messages with those who want it. ♥️

So on that note: please feel free to leave me messages in my inbox, ask me questions (please be appropriate and kind) and I will do my best to answer! I’m new to this, but saw a friend do it and thought I could give this a try! Hopefully this will all work out and we can all learn together!

Xx,

— 𝐿𝑜𝓁𝒶

[fameliarity]

Protect Your Peace

 Hello, my name is Amelia Brown. I come to you from the ashes of an online semester. While the word "ashes" probably denotes something negative – I mean, yes it was really hard – I'd like to think it was a testament to making the most of hard times. Despite struggling to stay afloat in my online academics, I was left with a lot of time on my hands that I inevitably needed to fill or risk mental deterioration.

     I feel as if I should preface the details of my online semester with my quarantine experience. In March of 2020, I was sent home to Virginia from what was proving to be a promising semester. I had a renewed sense of purpose, starting the second half of my freshman year. I was waking up early to go to the library and getting fantastic grades as a result. I had an exercise schedule, friends – new and old – that I enjoyed being around. My time was filled to the brim. I felt extremely well-rounded and content.

    What do you do when you are stripped of such a well-balanced environment? Well, in my case, I attempted to replicate it in the confines of a one-story home. I was not exactly consistent with my studies. Many of my professors changed their curriculum to be asynchronous or moved due dates to weekly checkpoints. I let that accumulate quite a bit and suffered the consequences in what college students collectively endured for the first time: online finals week. It was a solid week of no showering, sitting at my dining room table or couch for hours, dressing in sweats with my hood up, and blocking out the noise in order to scrape by. My support system for this insane crunch time, other than looking like a sad, grey tele-tubby, was the intermittent breaks for weed and/or red wine that allowed my thoughts to flow more freely (and also maintained my sanity). The latter was a challenge that would prove harder once the semester came to a close. 

    Here's a follow-up question, what do you do to occupy your time at home when you no longer have school to worry about? Well, on top of copious amounts of weed-smoking, I took up old video game habits. There was one day, possibly right after I submitted all of my class-work, that I was sitting on the couch (incredibly high) with my family and decided that I needed a USB adapter for my computer to play Minecraft. I hadn't touched the game in over three years but I had this spiritual urge to start again – and start again I did. I logged many hours on a new server, building, making friends, and talking to other players on discord. It fulfilled the human interaction that I was lacking in the throws of quarantine. Additionally, I picked up spiritual practices that I had lost over the years. My dedication to this in particular was quite impressive over the summer. At my peak, I was meditating twice a day, for 45 minutes each time. Journaling was also a habit that I picked up in conjunction with meditation; they worked hand-in-hand in changing my mindset. It was my hope that all of these productive, self-actualizing habits would carry into school. 

    At this point, it may be unclear how this is all tied together. While not directly connected, it's a series of events that leads me to where I am now and one that maybe others can relate to. I was consistent with my new practices upon moving back to college. Somewhere along the way, I became distracted with so many other things. There was work, school, being with my people, and other bumps in the road that hindered my practices. So, when I finished this semester, I felt as though I had lost pieces of myself that I really valued. Academically, this semester was my best one yet; why did I feel so under-accomplished? The answer here is simple: I was unbalanced. 

    While I did well in my classes, I spent plenty of time with my friends, made my own money, and exercised regularly. Still, there was a missing puzzle piece. I had not spent time alone with my thoughts in productive ways – meditation, art, journaling, etc. This kind of alone time is not for everyone. I've learned it takes many different forms. Sometimes it's music, reading, video games, a workout, laying in bed, or a walk in nature – whatever fits the individual. The point is, no matter how extraverted you are, time to yourself, with your own thoughts (Eek!), is important to understand your mind and emotions. 

  So, maybe you're like me; you picked up new habits out of necessity. There was no way you were going to allow yourself to regress during the pandemic mentally, physically, academically, etc. The clock still moves forward and, though the entire world is in shambles, you still have progress to make. This is the go-getter mindset we all want to take but it's not realistic for everyone. When undergoing change, the brain can only handle so many stimuli while accommodating the new ones coming in. Put in plain English, this means that not everyone is so resilient with change. If you cannot consistently stay on top of your agenda during the pandemic, no one will blame you. You're not a failure, unsuccessful, or undeserving of love. If anything, you are a human responding to change to the best of your ability. The most important thing is that you are taking inventory of your feelings – recognizing and trying to understand them. Focus on protecting your individual peace. The other shit can come later.

#mental health #college #perspective #covid2020 #just thinking

[notyobabygirl]

hey girl! this will be long i’m so sorry 🥺

i’ve gained weight since quarantine started which is also around the time i started dating my bf. we eat out a few days a week and i get 0 exercise now. my days consist of me waking up around 8am, babysitting until 5pm, going to my bf’s house until 1am, coming home & spending the rest of my night watching my shows and snacking until i go to bed around 2/3/4am. growing up my weight would fluctuate a lot: in elementary school i was chubby, in middle school i magically lost it all and was skinny, freshman/sophomore year of hs i was a literal twig and super unhealthily skinny, junior year i gained a little weight but was still skinny, and senior year (last year also when i first met my bf) was probably the best my body has been. it’s funny because last year i thought i was fat and was insecure but now looking back, i was literally perfect and i would kill to look like that again. i see how easy it was for me to gain weight over the years and i want to make a change in my habits so bad but with my schedule and with gyms being closed where i live it’s hard. i’m gonna try to not make excuses though lol but my issue is once i start, i want to see the results asap or i get really unmotivated. ik a girl from my school who has lost 70lbs since last year and she posted a tiktok about it and it made me feel better like i could do it. i have a weird relationship with food though. i would literally starve myself in 8,9,10th grade and now i love food and i actually have an appetite. my weight gain has also caused me to be insecure in my relationship. i’m constantly wondering if my bf is less attracted to me or if he notices it. he’s never mentioned it but i have to admit i was so much hotter when he first met me than i am now. and all his past girls that ik of are relatively skinny and i think about that too and compare myself :/ in the back of my mind i know i’m really insecure about gaining weight but i usually don’t let it get to me. but tonight i decided i wanted to ‘see what i look like from someone else’s view’ so i set up my phone using flash and the back camera and turned/posed so i could see how my body looked. i actually did a few of these videos (i was wearing a tight cropped tank top and baggy sweats). and i feel so disgusted by myself. i knew i gained weight but i looked like a whale from certain views. most of the weight i gained went to my tummy and arms sadly. from behind my arms/shoulders look so fat and my stomach is the biggest it’s ever been. most people wouldn’t consider me “fat” but i feel huge. i want to start good habits (eat better, exercise more, etc) but i don’t know where to start or how long i’ll last. i know it’ll be worth it in the end but i need motivation right now to even begin. i’m so sorry that was a literal book to read, but it would mean a lot if you had any tips on staying motivated, how i can eat healthier and exercise while having such a strict schedule? i don’t necessarily want to “diet” and the amount of information that is out there on eating habits and working out is so confusing. like everyone says different things and contradict each other that idk what i exactly should do to reach my goals. i want to lose general weight (especially in my tummy and arms) and overall be more confident and happy. thank you 🤍 sorry again for the length of this!

hi hi! well first of all I dont think your boyfriend got any less attracted to you at all! boys are also pretty oblivious. dont worry about what he thinks because its not important. he loves you for you and clearly if he has never even said anything then that proves my point even more! also wanna say I have taken self timer pictures of my body and I was mortified too lol. like I swear it made me look 10x worse than I did so dont look too much into the pictures. adding exercise into your diet will help so if you want to wake up before babysitting (I dont blame you if you dont lol) then that would be a great way to start the morning and get it over with. but If you dont then after babysitting take an hour to go to the gym or do workouts at home. to lose weight you need to be in a calorie deficient. if you do little to no activity during the day and just eat shit all day then it will catch up with you (it did to me beginning of the year). dedicate ATLEAST 30 minutes into doing something. I have been so into walking for an hour and listening to podcasts, its like my fav things. eating healthy is the most important part though, tell your boyfriend you are eating healthy and you will go with him to get food but you won't always get something or you will find the healthiest option. growing up I always thought that eating healthy means eating gross foods but eating healthy can be soooo yummy. tik toks really helped me find recipes as well as going on Pinterest or even just going to the grocery store and experimenting. buy healthy snacks, veggies, skinny pop, halo top, hummus, rice cakes and pb, fruits, frozen fruit, smoothies. that helped me start losing weight and replacing unhealthy foods with good healthy ones. the grocery store is like the first step and getting into that mindset like ok im going to eat healthy is important. you know you can do it, anyone can do it. you just have to be ok with saying no to eating out and stuff. drink sooo much water, I have a 40oz hydro flask and I think I drink close to like 2 gallons not kidding. also tea!! I love tea so much. If you dont buy the junk food then you cant eat it! I know you can do this, you got this!!!!!!

[ilovemyschool]

Teaching through COVID???

Bless you if you actually make it to the end of this post, lol.

I teach high school science- specifically Chemistry and AP Chemistry.  I absolutely love teaching and I love my students.  I especially enjoy getting to talk to them about what they want to do when they graduate, where they want to go to college, what kind of jobs they want to do, and all of that fun stuff.  Finishing high school is an incredibly exciting time in life for a person, and I feel privileged to get to re-live the excitement and apprehension and hopefulness and all the other feelings that come along with having so many possibilities for your life laid out in front of you.  I don’t know any other kind of work that allows you to feel those feelings year after year like I get to through my students.  I also try to support them through the hard stuff.  I listen when they cry and tell me that they feel alone in a room full of people, I hug them (if they want a hug) when they tell me their mom moved out over the weekend, and I feed them and get them additional support when they tell me they are hungry and don’t have enough to eat.  I spend hours on tutoring, grading, and lesson planning outside of my “contract hours.”  It never bothered me because I knew I was doing something that mattered to my kids.  If you’ve never gotten to see a kid gain self-confidence in their own ability by practicing with you one-on-one- let me just tell you it’s magical.  When they know you’ll sit down and work with them again and again when it’s still tough for them, they can see that you believe they’re worth the time and effort, and they start to believe it too.  When you get a note from a student about how they never thought they’d be able to understand chemistry so well, but aced a state final exam or got a 4 or 5 on the AP exam, it feels like you’ve done more than teach them your subject- you’ve taught them to believe they can do hard things.  

I’m sick to my stomach right now, because I am so torn on whether to go back this year.  My students are set to come back in two weeks.  There are so many things going through my head and this has been whirling around for the past two weeks, so I’m writing it out.  To quit or not to quit.  That is my question.

To Quit:

*My district notified parents of the plan just two weeks ago at the same time as the teachers- teachers actually just got a quick email that said something to the effect of “oh hey- check out this stuff we’re sending to parents about next school year.”  

*Since they released their plan, I got in to see a doctor.  I have an autoimmune condition.  It’s not a big deal in general, just a pill everyday, but it does affect my risk- although in the grand scheme of immuno-issues, thankfully mine is on the low end of the COVID risk spectrum.

*The district’s plan is for all students to go back to school 5 days/week, unless they opt for the virtual option.  The hours will be shortened so that the district doesn’t have to do a deep clean at the 4 hour mark as would be required if we were in school for the usual 7 hours.  Instead, teachers will all teach 4 class periods and also have to teach an online class.  If you’ve never taught, teaching online is a whole separate thing, so even if you teach chem both online and in person, it’s likely that most of the time you’ll have to set up your lessons completely differently for the two.  It’s not a deal breaker, but it’s extra work for sure.

*Teachers are responsible for sanitizing the classrooms between classes, which means we’ll have to pee some other time, although every teacher is teaching all 4 classes, so we won’t have anyone available to cover us?  I guess they’ll figure that out?

*According to the FAQ document our principal sent out, if we are told to quarantine or isolate, we have to use our sick days.  If we go through our sick days or run out we can apply to the sick day bank.  They don’t say it in the FAQ, but once you’ve used up days, they dock your pay.  

*However, that might not actually be a problem, because in a virtual staff meeting they held on Friday, the assistant superintendent shared that the health department here is now defining “exposure” as 15 minutes or more within 6 feet of a person who has tested positive without a mask.  That means that we could be in the classroom with kids who later test positive for COVID for an hour and neither the teacher nor the parents of the other kids in that class would be notified or asked to isolate because we were all wearing masks and therefore were “not exposed.”

*Since all kids are going back at the same time, thats nearly 1800 kids (minus the ones who signed up to take all their classes virtually).  Based on early estimates, less than 20% are going to opt to go online.  There are no plans to stagger class changes, which means our hallways will be full- it will not be possible for students to social distance.

*Currently, I have a class with 33 students in one of my face-to-face classes.  That’s a fairly big class anyway, but in COVID, they’ll be packed in there.  It is not possible to keep that many kids 6 feet apart in my classroom.

*We are relying on parents to do temperature checks every day and keep their child home if their temp is 100.4 or above.  If you’ve ever taught, you know that while most parents are responsible with things like this, there are some that will send their child in no matter what because they have to work or (in some very sad situations) want the time to themselves.

*In our state’s official COVID school plans, they outlined “Required,” “Strongly Recommended,” and “Recommended” measures.  My district seems to be reading “Strongly Recommended” as “Not Required.”  This means that they are okay with us running labs, sharing equipment, and working in close proximity because they think that parents understand that if they’re sending their child to school, that they know their child will be in close proximity to others.  They say that parents know that their kids will be 2/bus seat anyway and that they’re going to have to be changing classes in a full hallway.  I’m not so sure I agree with that.  I think parents are probably very unaware of that because I think it would be reasonable for parents to think that the “Strongly Recommended” guidelines would be implemented.  I’m not a parent, but I think that I would assume that?  Unfortunately, things like 6 feet of separation, doing on-site temperature checks, and not sharing materials are in the “Strongly Recommended” category, which means the district will “do their best.”

*Our district’s Union President wrote a letter to the board on our behalf regarding the strongly recommended guidelines.  The superintendent was dismissive of those concerns, stating that schools in other countries saw negligible spread upon reopening, which is like comparing our shitty COVID apples to European oranges.  Shortly after his response, two other board members went on to praise the administration for putting together a “safe” plan and quickly approved it to send on to the department of education.  I wish that those board members would come and sit in our classrooms for the first few weeks of school.

*We won’t know which class(es) we’ll be teaching online until the week before (best case scenario), so we can’t prepare very much that is specific to our class until the week before school.  We won’t know our final schedule in general until next week.  To not know this with only a week and a half to go is insane.  My anxiety is in full gear.

*Financially, we could handle it if I don’t work.  

Not to Quit:

*I have one student who had me for a science class his freshman year, then requested to take my chemistry class during his sophomore year, and is signed up for AP Chem this year.  I don’t want to miss it.

*Lots of my former chem kids are signed up for my AP Chem class this year.  I’m newer to the school, but I’ve been really working on growing the AP Chem program.  We even had enough students sign up to make 2 sections of AP Chem this year, which hasn’t happened in a long time at this school.

*I don’t want to quit with only 2 weeks before school- granted, they just announced the district plans 2 weeks ago and in that time I’ve had to talk with my husband and family, consult a doctor, and look at our finances and upcoming expenses to gather the information I need to make a decision. However, with only 2 weeks left before kids are in my classroom, it would be extremely tight to hire and have someone in place for those kids.  I would hate to leave students in that spot where they might start school with a sub.

*I LOVE my classroom and my lab.  I put so much time into organizing and cleaning it out.  I decorated it really nice and made it super functional.  I would hate to have to move everything out- I doubt I’d ever have a classroom that epic again.  All my desks match, too!

*A bird in hand is worth two in the bush.  I have a job I really love at a school I like and with kids I like and it’s close to my house.  If I resign, they’ll have to hire someone else for my job, and I won’t get it back next year.  There is no guarantee that I get hired again next year at another school nearby either.  With budget cuts, who knows?

*In a new job, I could be teaching anything in the sciences- I love that I have a specifically chemistry teaching job.  Those are rare and hard to come by.

*One of the “Required” measures in the state’s plan is to wear a mask.  That’s helpful.  All students and staff will have to wear a mask unless they are medically exempt.

*I’m still youngish, especially by COVID risk standards.

*Maybe nothing bad will happen- hopefully it won’t and the year will go relatively smoothly and staff and students will stay healthy and get through unscathed.  If that ends up being how it goes, I’d regret resigning and second guess my decision.

*I would feel guilty for calling it quits when so many others don’t have the option and may be at higher risk than me due to age or underlying conditions or taking care of loved ones that are either older or immunocompromised.  I know so many teachers who have to work this year because their spouse/partner is unemployed, or they are the sole breadwinner for their family, or they are going to retire soon and need their income to stay high to maximize their social security benefits.  

*I don’t know how I’ll take it if I go from teaching full time to being a stay at home wife.  I did stay at home for a year when we moved to another state, and it was HARD on me.  I developed a bit of a depression, exasperated by some other things that were going on.  I got on medication and did some therapy and it eventually resolved, but that SUCKED.  I would really miss my students and my fellow teachers and having a clear purpose/mission for my days.  

In conclusion...

I’m not generally a hypochondriac or a “Nervous Nelly.”  Most stuff rolls off my back fairly easily.  This scares me.  I get the flu or an upper respiratory thing almost every year.  There’s no reason to think that somehow I’ll manage to miss COVID if it comes into our school.  I am beyond anxious about teaching in person with so few precautions being taken.  I’m also angry that my choices are to resign and lose the job I really want or to go in and feel anxious and angry about the lack of care and respect that teachers and students are being shown by district and building administration for the foreseeable future until COVID is over.  I have had a stress knot in my gut for the past two weeks over this stuff, and I highly doubt it’s going away if I decide to stay and teach.

Since the pandemic started I have stayed at my house with few exceptions over the summer.  I wear a mask when I go out, I usually use a pick-up option for my groceries, a drive-thru option for my pharmacy, and I just avoid gatherings.  We do occasionally see my in-laws and my parents, usually outside and observing social distancing. In my state restaurants can’t fill to more than 50% capacity and movie theaters are just plain closed, but schools are about to open at 100% capacity.  I honestly can’t imagine putting myself in an enclosed space with over 30 kids or into a hallway with close to 1800 of them.  Even more than that, I can’t imagine not sitting down at a desk next to them to help them or watch them work a problem to see what they’re thinking.  I can’t imagine not getting to hug the girl who’s mom left or sit with the boy who doesn’t feel connected with his peers so he comes up to sit with me and do his homework after school.  Even if I do teach this year, I worry that my kids won’t get what they need from me- whether that’s homework help or emotional support.

If you are so inclined, please send up a prayer for state leaders, school administrators, teachers/school staff, and students this year.  We could all definitely use some wisdom, some grace, and your good vibes.

#teacher #school #back to school #covid #covid19 #covid-19 #tough decisions

[paper-teeth]

7.29.2020

Another day, another life update.

I think things are going okay, but not great. What a surprise. It seems like I only ever come to update here when I think things are going downhill. Sorry for being such a downer lol.

On the boy front, things have definitely settled down since my last posts and I’ve come to accept and move on from his past. It was difficult for a while, but I think things are better in some ways. I’ve opened up more about my discomfort with sex and sexual topics and he’s almost completely dropped the topic since. I’m not totally okay with him leaving the responsibility of sex just to me because I do think it’s something I need to work on. I can’t be afraid of sex or make him feel bad forever. I need to start slowly, but I appreciate that he cares.

I’m not sure how boys are, but they seem always needy and I just can’t keep up. I feel dirty when I try to keep up. 

I’m such a people pleaser and I’m trying to change my mentality.

I feel like our communication was going really well for a few months into quarentine, but lately it’s been a little strained. It seems like we don’t say much to each other besides just “I miss you” and “what are you working on”. Things just seem shallow. WE don’t even have “ I had X thought about you” anymore since we don’t talk about sexy things. I don’t know what’s happening, are we just that boring? 

I feel like one day I’m just going to crack and break things off because I’m just manipulative and paranoid he’ll lose interest in me. Maybe he’ll find some other girl who actually wants to fuck while I’m not there. I hate this thought, because he’s said to me he’d give up anything for me. There’s a part of me that just wants to get away but I don’t want to lose something so good. I feel too young to just stay here, and let this be the end.

On a second note, I’ve been going through a need to self-improve. This has taken the form of me picking up new hobbies like gardening (my sweet potato is growing nicely), alterations, zero-waste changes, decluttering, and baking. I’ve gained a lot of new skills and happiness during this quarantine. However, I can’t fail to mention my desire to finally get fit.

Physically, I know I look decent. I’m not super skinny at 5′7″ and 145 lbs, but it’s never changed much. I’ve been this weight since high school (with  a small jump to 160 at one point) and I’ve never known any different. My stomach has never been flat, not even as a child, and my thighs have never been skinny. I guess my insecurities about my body have always been there, but they definitely started bugging me in middle school. I was surrounded by all these pretty white athletic skinny girls with long hair that I didn’t look like. Sure, they were my friends and I was never bullied, but no matter how nice or smart I was I would never be pretty and athletic on top of that.

In high school, I mostly forgot about my weight because I was surrounded by people of all sizes and I felt pretty good about myself. I’d had a few potential boy encounters which served as a confidence boost and I was generally too busy to care about what I ate. Dieting was not a thing to me. However, one comment really stuck to me: I was thick. My sort of boyfriend said that to me as a positive, trying to be a compliment, but it caught me off guard because I had never seen myself like that. I wanted to be skinny and pretty like every other girl and I tried so hard to convince him that I was NOT thick or thicc or any sort of curvy. 

Later on in my freshman year of college I’d come to accept my body shape a little more, but I still didn’t consider myself very curvy. Then I started to get close to the toxic boy (not my current boyfriend, to clarify) I’ve mentioned previously. He’s super tall and built like a bean, so obviously I looked even curvier next to him. Among other things, one comment he made when he wrapped his arms around my waist was that I was “surprisingly thick”.

What. The. Fuck. 

It was another person validating the same perception of me as big. I hated it and my body and especially coming from him. It made me want to crawl out of my skin and tear myself to pieces. I felt disgusting.

It took me another year to forget about the pain he caused and to start loving my body again, but that was mostly through parties, another boy, drama, and alcohol. I just wanted to be a drunk sexy girl at a party with a boy in the palm of her hand. If that meant showing off some curves than so be it. I think this is when my high-waisted bottoms phase really started to kick in and I embraced my curves. I’d also gained a few pounds after freshman year and was at my heaviest at 160 lbs. I felt and looked disgusting. 

It wasn’t until later in the semester when I got busy working on projects in the wood shop that I started to lose weight from skipping meals. I wasn’t intentionally restricting, but I was busy and stressed and sweating 8 hours a day. I would eat just coffee, overnight oats, a banana, and some tuna and kale sandwiches if I was lucky. I was also running to grab a break menu Mcdonald’s meal if I hadn’t eaten anything all day to stop myself from starving. I really didn't notice how much weight I’d lost until people started commenting that I looked skinnier and my clothes looked better. I was about 150 lbs.

I lost another few pounds in the spring of 2019 from the same habits and actually squeezed into a pair of pants I hadn’t worn since middle school. I felt on top of the world at my skinniest around 145 lbs. I was unhealthy, tired, sleep-deprived,and stressed and food had honestly been an afterthought.

For a while, my boyfriend made me feel better about my curves and he said he loved them. Then he revealed that the first time he really noticed, he was surprised that I was thick.

He was surprised I had an ass when I bent down to grab papers. He loved being with a bigger girl, unlike his skinny girlfriends in the past.

Thaaaaaanks. 

I’ve been feeling like such a fat girl since then ( with good and bad days) and when I say that I want to be skinny or lose weight, he just says that he likes me bigger which doesn’t help at all. There’s been enough people now commenting about it that I can’t brush it off or ignore it anymore. I’m big and I jiggle and clothes don’t always look good on me. I don’t fit into the category of “slim” I’m just thick.

I’ve been feeling so disgusting lately. My friend brought up that her doctor thinks she might have binge eating disorder and I’ve fallen right back into my obsession for ed social media. I hadn’t realized, but I’ve always found so much comfort in these hurtful posts since middle school when I first started looking into it. I’ve never done any of the restricting, but I always admired the pretty girls that were posted. Haha, maybe I’m just bisexual and not jealous. 

I want to be skinny and fit and I saw a lot of progress after working out april through june. I don’t want to admit it, but I’m finding myself sucked further and further into the ed community and counting calories and needing to burn every carb I eat. I don’t want to be the thick girl anymore and the only thing I’ve never tackled have been my eating habits. 

Am I on the right path? No. Does it hurt? yes. Am I going to do it? ...I’ll probably just fail at this too.

xoxo your local thicc girl

#tw #ed #rant #boy problems

[ourmuse-s]

Luisa Fischer

Writing About Music

Professor Loughridge

Due Feb. 28. 2021

Artist Interview

Eph See on Finding Her Sound, Balance and the Music Industry

     This past week I had the chance to have a FaceTime interview with Felisha Cabral, otherwise known by her stage name Eph See. A third year Music student, Eph See has been making a name for herself around the Northeastern campus, with tracks such as “Field Recordings”, “Body” and “April”. We sat down together (virtually) to talk about the singer-songwriter’s processes, past and upcoming projects, as well as what it’s like to be a female and non-binary artist in the music industry.

When and how did you first start getting into music?

Music… I feel like every artist says this but music has always been a pretty prominent part of my life. Yeah, I remember doing theatre and choir and stuff since like elementary school and it just continued and continued. I did that throughout middle and high school as well but it wasn’t until I got to high school… we had something that was called Jazz Combo - we never really played jazz - but it was like rock band essentially and I was a vocalist for it and that got me into performing and I was like ugh it’s so cool to be able to you know sing all these songs in front of audiences and stuff even though it was like friends and family… but I really liked that. And then I started writing my own music seriously probably around freshman year of high school. I was a very musical person. If someone said something like a line that was stuck in my head I would just start singing it… I was definitely that kid. But yeah, I remember writing my first song ever ever, that I performed, when I was I think ten or eleven years old? And it was at summer camp and I got all the counselors to sing it with me as well as my backup singers. Oh my God it was sooo dramatic, but that’s the first thing I remember, like writing a song and performing it for people... and I guess here I am now!

What’s the first song you remember writing and really liking?

Okay that’s easy! That was a song I wrote at fifteen called “The Shelf”. It’s a song about unrequited love but someone that always comes back to you, I guess, because you’re there. And the whole premise is like “I’ll just stick to being another book you put back on the shelf and take down when you want”. I was fifteen, I don’t know what I was thinking… Like what was I feeling, what was I going through?

It’s funny that a high school crush as a fifteen year old can turn into a song like that…Did you ever end up recording it?

No. But I did perform it in front of my grade. That was the second time I performed an original song just me and my guitar and I performed it at school. I was like… pretty bold back then, which is kind of cool but also looking back at it I felt bold but during the performance I was so nervous.

Do you still get nervous when you’re performing today?

Oh yeah, all the time, but I think it’s just because I care. I want to do well and I want to connect. It’s less so about looking good or not messing up now… that used to be my fear. But now it’s, you know, what did I write this song for? To help other people and to help myself. And if I can do that well, I care a lot about it and when you care a lot about something, that can become nerves.

Yeah that makes a lot of sense… It’s funny because you seem like you’re a real natural at it.

Thank you! It definitely took time. But that’s another thing I forgot to mention, I did acapella for a while and that was a lot of performing very consistently.

And probably a lot of pressure too.

Oh yeah, especially with some of the crowds that we got. We did like a competition too, I remember my first year second semester in that group, we did do a competition and that was… terrifying. But we won and the feeling after that was insane.  

Do you think you like performing in group settings (like with Acapella) more or when it’s just you and your music?

Mmmmmm… That’s a great question.

I love performing my own stuff, but I always love being with other people. I know for me community is such a big thing and I love people that I can create with consistently. Maybe it’s just me but it’s easier for me to create and be vulnerable with people that I trust and if I’ve worked with you a lot then we have built that sense of trust.  I’ve always - still do - wanted to be in a band and everything, so I definitely see myself being someone who has a touring band that stays pretty consistent or people that I make music or write with pretty consistently. Or even if I work with a producer I’m probably going to keep my circle pretty small and just work with the same people.

Are you looking to form a band or have you taken any action to start one?

I haven’t… you’re calling me out… I think for me it’s just that some things should come together organically and I have tried posting on NeuGigs because I wanted specifically a band of women or non-gender conforming people because I already have to work with so many cis white men and it’s just not the vibe anymore. So definitely non-men, or non-men of color that I relate to more and I’m able to be more vulnerable and open and free with those kinds of people and that’s what I want out of my experience with a band. So, I definitely could do more to find those people but…

But I feel like you’re doing really well as a solo artist right now too.

Yeah. Yeah, that’s true too. I just found this band the other day called Hard Car Kids and I was like wow these voices all sound so familiar. Then I realized they were a bunch of little artists that I listen to who are friends and they made a band so I was like ugh that’d be sick. Something like that.

That’s so true, I love it when bands are all solo artists or have their own side projects. That way you can see different sides to each of them and sometimes the music they make as a band vs the music they make on their own is so different.

Yeah, I think it definitely allows for artists to have more creativity. Because you’ll find that everyone will tell you “Stick to one genre so you can be more marketable!”. With this one producer I’m working with right now, I’ve made six different songs… none of them sound anything like each other. But I think that it’s so good to get that stuff out because that’s kind of what writer’s block is. When you’re not allowing yourself to get everything out or only letting certain things out then of course you’re gonna have blockages because you’re not fully allowing yourself to create. I found that’s what I was going through a little while ago, and then we [producer + Eph See] started working together and now it just comes more naturally because I’m like okay anything that comes out I’m gonna let come out. Instead of only releasing things that would be good as singles because that just kills your creativity.

That’s so true. I think that you have to write some bad songs or ones you don’t love to eventually get to the ones that you’re really excited about. You have to lay the groundwork and get everything you’re feeling out into the world so you can move on and then get the songs you love.

I could talk all day about the pressure that capitalism puts on artists. Like only releasing “good” music… what is that? Good to who? What is the criteria? You know we can’t all write “Driver’s License” so. And when you look back, this is something I went through in quarantine, you know early shut-down - I was forced into a lot of alone time and I’m living alone now - well I don’t want to say forced because I benefited from it. But going through that and having to really see who I am when I’m not trying to be somebody for somebody else has reflected in my music. It’s gotten more honest. Instead of just writing about love all the time - because what is that? - I’ve been writing more about things like childhood and growing up, self expression and exploration.

Especially as a femme artist everyone expects you to write about love and heartbreak. But, there’s so much more to me than that. So I definitely had to let go of the pressure to only release like billboard charting songs because I want to look back at my discography and see growth. You know what I mean? And it’s not that my songs are bad now, but there’s going to be an evolution when you look at my discography. Like Ariana Grande’s Yours Truly and Positions sound nothing alike but they’re still great and I love being able to see her trajectory.

And to see how an artist grows after a couple projects.

And life! Like life changes you and that’s the whole point!

Exactly! Because sometimes you are in the mood to write a love song but… that’s not all there is to life.

There’s so much more.

And because it’s the main topic of most songs, especially for female artists, I feel like it’s easy to get caught up in that.

Right.

You recently came out with “Body” on Spotify, but do you have any other recent projects you’ve put out?

So “Body” was my latest Spotify release, but in December on New Year’s Eve I released a song called “April” on Soundcloud. Sometimes I just like to put stuff on Soundcloud… not as much as I should probably. One of my songs on there, “The Things I used to care about seem to stupid now”, has started to gain likes and plays again which is really cool to see.

...But it’s actually so true like the things I used to care about do seem so stupid now. But I wrote that last March so it’s about to come up on its one year anniversary and I still feel that way so I think it’s a song that will definitely age well with time which makes me very proud. In the comments there’s people really relating to it and that’s what makes me really happy because I think that was one of the most honest songs I’ve ever written. And it wasn’t easy to write because it was very vulnerable but it just shows that it’s worth it because I feel like the more vulnerable you are, the more people are drawn to it. It gives other people permission to feel that as well and to go that deep.

That’s a really good way of putting it. So how did you go about writing a song that’s really and intimate and how did you come up with the idea for that song specifically?

So that song was kind of funny because I just tweeted “I feel like writing an indie song right now” and people were like “well don’t just not do it then”. So then I did! I wrote it in like six hours. Wrote it, recorded it, produced it, mixed it all in six hours and then just posted it to SoundCloud and… Wow I’m actually getting kind of, I don’t want to say emotional but the way it all happened was so just on a whim and it’s the most streamed song on my SoundCloud. I just had a guitar riff that I played and then it just kind of flowed. But the first line is “lately I’ve been feeling like my past self is slowly peeling away” so I was dealing with a lot of identity issues. Two years ago in November I had what people would call a mental breakdown and it was really scary but needed. I think sometimes people think about mental breakdowns in a very nutcase kind of way but what a mental breakdown really is is the way you’ve been living your life or viewing the world or viewing yourself… your soul is just like “this is not it anymore and we can’t go on thinking about life like this or acting like this or being like this”. So then it’s like okay, purge, total recall, burn it all to the ground. You feel really raw for a bit but then slowly you start to reevaluate and piece things together in a way that fits better.

… That’s a bar. I’m gonna write that down. “Piece things together in a way that fits better”.

That’s another thing, I have a lyric dump so I just put anything there.

On your phone and on your laptop?

Mhm *as she’s typing away*

A lot of my songs are just like stitches from my lyric dump.

So, do you think that [“the things I used to care about seem so stupid now”] is your favorite song, or what would you say is your favorite song you’ve released?

Hmmm… Yeah!

I think… ooh… that’s a really good question. I think it’s the most authentic and most cathartic song that I have released but “Field Recordings” was probably my favorite writing process and releasing process.

I definitely want to release more music but I also have to honor the fact that  I’m very much in my own winter season right now. But spring is coming. My life follows the seasons. Fall is all about releasing what you don’t need. Winter is, humans don’t hibernate, but I feel like… well let me not generalize. I don’t hibernate but in the winter time the world is telling me to slow down. Because when spring comes and you’re gonna have all these ideas and all of this stuff that you’re gonna want to do but you need to recharge first. And then summer is like, okay, bask in all the glory!

I get a lot of sunlight from my windows, like so much natural light in my apartment, as well as the view of the moon right outside my window.

I feel like that’s very on brand for you.

Oh my God, it is!

I was thinking about it yesterday and the universe really snapped. But yeah, I have all of these windows, just drinking tea, and I felt like a cat that just sprawls out in the sun. I was trying to get the sunlight all over my body, like my back and I was thinking how these parts of my skin have not felt the sun for so long so I need to soak it all in while I can. But spring is coming!

Do you have any songs on the backburner that you’re planning on releasing anytime soon?

Yeah. It’s about getting into recording and stuff but I’ve been working with the producer that I’ve really enjoyed working with. The only thing is my writing has been all over the place, in all different genres. So I might just set the precedent for anyone who listens to my music that if you listen to me you’re gonna get seven different things at once. And that’s okay. I know there’s a lot of people out there who listen to all different kinds of music. So it may not be as marketable, but I can be your one stop shop!

I also hate the idea of having to make only one type or genre of music. I feel like artists should just be able to write and go with how they’re feeling, and do a bunch of different things.

Yeah and you should be able to! There’s so much emphasis on marketability but how cool would it be to look at it in a different way like you do so much let’s show that. Because that will draw so many people to you. I just think sometimes marketing is really backwards.

Sometimes it feels like nowadays music is just based on how marketable it is.

I feel like there were people in the past that I’ve worked with and before I even wrote the song we were discussing marketing tactics. And that just made me not want to write the song because it gives you so much anxiety like this has to complete this and do this and that before it’s even, you know, been born. And I think again, with the whole killing an artist’s creativity, I do think there’s a beauty in wanting to do what you love as your job. I think everyone who wants to make music should be able to do that and survive. But there’s this whole system like you’re either a superstar and you’re rich or you’re starving.

And that alone, that fear, of putting all your work and energy and time and love into a project and not receiving anything from it… it’s criminal in my opinion. It doesn’t just kill your creativity. It kills your will and your love for music. That’s what I was just going through. I was focusing so much on release, release, release that I was like I don’t even want to do this anymore. Do I even want to do music? That’s so crazy. Music will always be part of my life, but that mindset made me question it.

So when you’re writing your music, are there any artists who influence you the most?

I grew up listening to all different kinds of music so let me look at my playlist… There’s an artist that I just discovered. I was scrolling through Tik Tok and they were singing and it was so beautiful. They’re name is Leith Ross, let me text it to you. I’ll actually text you the track, because it’s so good. But basically I’ve been listening to a lot of artists where their music is more conversational or more personal and raw. So even if I don’t directly relate to that experience, hearing them talk about what they’ve been going through, again is that idea of it’s okay to feel this and if this is what you’re going through, you’re not the only one.

I feel like you hear so much of this idea of I partied until 3am last night and now I don’t remember my name! Or I have all this money and I don’t know what to do with it! And in this world, especially right now, it’s just not relatable and it can give people an unrealistic world view and then they get dissatisfied with their own lives like “I’m not clubbing on a Tuesday night so I must be doing something wrong”. But I’ve seen this kind of revolution, of people romanticizing mondanity and the little things in life. And we’re shifting from instagram baddie culture to just I am who I am and I love that. I’m just in my little house, cooking my little things, but life is great! So that’s what I’ve been drifting towards.

Lizzie McAlpine is a really great example of that, and obviously I listen to songs like SZA and Frank Ocean, Chloe and Hally I’ve been listening to a lot. Also a lot of Arlo Parks and Hayley Williams also just dropped an album. So that’s what I’ve been listening to now, but if you want to make this a point then I can literally bop to almost anything. I would say expect country, but I like Kacey Muscgraves. But yeah, I listen to a lot. I think listening to a lot of music helps me write better music.

What’s the best advice that you’ve been given as an artist or do you have any advice that you would give a smaller or DIY artist just starting out?

I think it’s what we’ve been talking about.

It’s good to remember that just because you’re not famous now does not mean you’re not deserving of love and praise. Sometimes it’s just about the right person hearing your music and maybe not every song is meant to have a billion streams but I guarantee you, the right people will find it. And maybe someone who is really struggling heard your song and it made life a little more okay. We never know, but I think it’s better to think about it that way. Because the fact that you’re creating at all is really cool. Nobody can make what you make, so it’s like your duty to create.  

#ephsee #artistinterview #music #musicindustry

[mslloyds-reflections]

Journal 5 - September 27, 2020

How does SEL affect teaching and learning?

Social-emotional learning is an amazing way to teach the whole student and help create a sense of community within a school. Currently, Ohio has a strong focus on social-emotional learning, stating their vision being: “Each Child is challenged to discover and learn, prepared to pursue a fulfilling post-high school path and empowered to become a resilient, lifelong learner who contributes to society.” (“Why is Ohio Focused on Social-Emotional Learning?”). Through the five goals of social-emotional learning - self awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making, teachers and staff in schools are able to develop a variety of skills that students need to in order to become successful young adults and adults. Within the Ohio standards for SEL, the standards describe how Ohio schools can help students work on these skills as well as “benefit from increased attention, learning memory and academic success that will put them on the road to a bright future” (ODE). Not only is SEL extremely beneficial for students during any regular school year, but especially right now with the drastic changes that have come from Covid-19. The “Returning to School: Supporting the Social, Emotional and Behavioral Health of Students and Staff” article points out many of the changes that students and even parents and staff have had to face, such as, “changes in daily routines, lack of predictability, increased fears about their safety and the safety of loved ones, and extended periods of isolation. And, in some cases: loss of a loved one, limited access to food and safe shelter, and ongoing safety and security concerns (abuse, neglect, exposure to violence).” These are situations that so many students will be put into that could and will have very negative consequences for their development socially and emotionally. Through SEL, a sense of community is developed in the classroom environment and students are able to develop skills to help them cope and understand these stipulations that have been put in place because of Covid. They will be encouraged to learn how to manage these strange emotions and situations and learn how to apply these skills to other situations they will encounter in their lives, among learning how to build positive and healthy relationships with others and learn to understand and manage their own emotions and feelings. There has never been a more important time to practice SEL in the classroom.

In my placement at HSSG last semester, I did a project on SEL. After getting to know some of the sixth grade students, I was able to sit down and discuss some of their concerns about being sixth graders and being in middle school. I realized that many of their concerns worked well within SEL. Some of these concerns included feeling disconnected from their fellow classmates and being unsure of how to handle stress/stressors that they were encountering, and these are things that SEL works to address. While my project focused on SEL in middle school classrooms, I became well aware of how beneficial it can be for any aged student. I became extremely interested in SEL after researching it more for this project and it is something that I absolutely want to focus on in the future. Here is a link to this project: https://socialengagement-mchd.weebly.com/. Now, with the environment that will be created in schools because of social-distancing, quarantine and such a long break from being in schools and socializing, I see that it is more of a “need to work on” rather than a “want to work on”. Students will need to develop these skills and receive this emotional support now more than ever, and teachers need to be able to address the whole needs of their students, including their social-emotional development as well as their academic development. 

Part of my draw to the process of SEL came from my own reflection of my time in middle school. As I worked with my field students, I related a lot to some of the concerns that they had and I found myself wishing that one of my teachers had researched and practiced SEL when I was younger. In the majority of classrooms that I was in during K-12, we focused on academic success and did not discuss emotional and personal relationships outside of the online health class that I took my freshman year of highschool. Many of my classrooms were not set up to help us learn about managing our emotions and relationships with one another. We did have a large focus on developing responsibility and self-management, but I think a large part of the success that comes from SEL is learning those skills in relation to personal, social and communal skills as well. By understanding that all of these necessary skills work together to make a responsive and educated student, teachers are able to give students a greater chance of success as adults. This is what SEL encompasses and I think I would have benefited a lot during K-12 and as an adult if more of my classrooms focused on this instead of just academics.

It sounds like an understatement or too simple to say that I would love to practice SEL in my classroom one day, but it is true. Especially working with middle schoolers, I think it is so important to help them manage the extreme changes that young adolescents brings, as well as just work to teach the whole student in order to help them reach their full potential and be their best selves. I am very eager to get into the “classroom” during this field placement to see how my CT may address some of these social-emotional concerns, especially during a pandemic. I think it will definitely be more of a challenge to offer help developing these skills, especially during remote learning, but I am willing to try my hardest to make sure the students I work with are receiving all of the support they might need during this strange time.

[itschristievie]

“What the hell do you want?”

Making decisions in the past was not always easy. We would be asked where we saw ourselves in five years, but we’re not fortune tellers. Was I wrong for not knowing? Why did everyone else seem to know what was going on, while I was still wondering what to make for lunch?

What the hell am I, and what am I doing? Where is my passion? Ugh! I have so many, where do they intertwine? I love the environment. I am spiritual. I love cartoons like Steven Universe that challenge the toxic societal norms we put on each other, and ourselves. I love theatre, performing, therapy, healing others and healing myself. I love so many things, so why am I feeling so... stuck? Shouldn’t that make it easier?

Fast forward into the future: I am a fairly new post-grad actor from a prestigious university that drained me of all my trust fund money (#worthit) who is contemplating WAY too hard during quarantine. I’ve been in Las Vegas for about a year, figuring I’d stay with family until I got a job as an actor, or at least something, and move out shortly. Guess where I’m still living?

The master plan was still in place until about a few months ago. I was going to move to LA and start the stereotypical (yet true) struggle as a starving actor we all know so well. I’ve been having nightmares, though. Literal nightmares about the fires. And you could say this has nothing to do with my passion as an actor, but on the contrary. 

I worship the Earth and this beautiful globe we inhabit, and every creature (even the scary looking ones) that surround me. After all those years thinking about LA - fantasizing about dating some hot skater boy and having hot skater boy back-scratching sex, traveling to Paris and eating croissants while being skinny and looking like every other pretty blonde girl I’ve never looked like, living in a tiny house and having a lumberjack husband and cute kids, and later becoming a Hollywood star and touring platinum record singer - makes no sense now. With a heavy heart and regretful ego I realized...these couldn’t have ever been part of the same dream. I felt like a failure for not being everything I ever wanted growing up throughout high school. We can be quite hard on ourselves, can’t we?

I have started embracing myself during quarantine. It was hard to accept myself at first, and I cut off all my hair. Now I really couldn’t care less about anything. Fuck it. Closeted only from my family and those who don’t bother to ask, I am bisexual. I look entirely beautiful and queer now, with my short Arctic Fox purple hair. (I’m even thinking of getting some more piercings - let’s not leave the ladies guessing.)

Point being, the person I am now is different than who I was at 16, so of course those dreams look different.

In college, accepted as undecided, I applied to the drama school because that’s what I yearned for. As a artsy kid in a sports-oriented high school, finally I achieved freedom! A liberal, artsy, gay college! 

I never acted before, and I was in my first play fall semester fo Freshman year. I got a sign from my late grandma to apply to acting school (story for another time), and I was accepted by some miracle. Acting saved my life, which, again, is a story for another time, but for now let’s fast forward to 2020 - quarantine. *barf.* I had to physically stop my raging hustle and pause in the silence to ask myself if this was what I really wanted. 

Years of my family lovingly joking they can’t wait for me to become rich so they can remodel the house and never worry about bills again put pressure on me to stay in my lane. It was the bed I made, so I had to lie in it, right? My family spent all that money on college, only for me to suddenly change my mind? Oh hell no. I didn’t (and still don’t) want to disappoint them. To be just another flaky, failed actor? After all those years of training? Isn’t that embarrassing? Actually,    ̶ ̶y̶e̶s̶ ̶ ̶ no. Only if you put your ego before your happiness, it is. 

Without my ego shitting all over my face, clouding my vision, the future is so open and full of possibilities. I am working on letting go of what my ego is telling me to want, because it’s the “right” dream to have, or because it’s “noble” - and just do what I want to, because I want to and I love it. 

And don’t worry about the money. TRUST that the money will flow into your life. When I imagine money coming in to my life, I get calls from old clients asking me to complete jobs. Random folks reaching out to me for pay and opportunities. And they always tip me profusely - it’s incredible. 

So what do I want? I can manifest anything (and you can, too, try it), but how can you manifest if you don’t even know what you want yet?? Well, you can start with what you know you do like, and what you do want for SURE... okay...hmm...

Well. I’ve always loved cartoons - specifically Cartoon Network. I’ve fantasized about being a voice actor on Adventure Time, and working in their Atlanta studio. Or being a voice actor for a Disney/Pixar character. Directing a TV show that depletes toxic societal boundaries and teaches kids healthy habits and relationships. You know, the things their absent or self-absorbed families might not bother to. And this isn’t necessarily to fault the parents (but, like, it kind of is) - but rather it’s about helping the kids grow up with the self-love and support they need.

So, can I do this from Hollywood? Well, maybe. Can I do this through kid’s shows? Absolutely. And for the adults, maybe I could do movies that are a little more complex, but that can be down the road. I just hope I can figure my shit out before I’m 30.

#decisions #actor #model #performer #artist #cartoon #cartoon network #steven universe #queer #lgbtqiia+ #lgbt #lgbtq #bi #bisexual #bisexualwomen #bisexualwoman #bigirls #bisexualgirls #closeted #dreams #finding my way #Disney #Pixar #manifestation #manifestingreality #manifestmagic #quarter life crisis #internship #hiring #hire me

[onestowatch]

Sally Boy’s Debut Single Was a Lifetime in the Making [Q&A]

Philadelphia-born artist, Sally Boy, released his self-titled debut single on Wednesday, June 30. After playing countless late-night gigs in the city’s DIY basement scene, Erez Potok-Holmes, AKA Sally Boy, now lives in Los Angeles where he left behind his childhood alt rock band to pursue something more. The self-titled single, “Sally Boy,” proves to be the young writer’s true introduction, unadulterated and honest. No longer playing within the confines of basement rock or by anyone’s rules but his own, “Sally Boy” is a track that was a lifetime in the making.  

Written about a year after he moved to Los Angeles, the song shows the writer’s reckoning with his identity and childhood, fixating often on the physicality of change with lines like “break my back and leave my skin out to dry.” The production of the track itself also manifests the same sentiments held in his lyrics, descending into and out of chaos but anchored by acoustic guitar. Despite his changing life, there appears to be a constant through it all.

We had the opportunity to talk with Sally Boy about his debut single, growing up in Philly, and how quarantine has affected his music.

Ones To Watch: Your name is Erez Potok-Holmes, but you are now releasing music under “Sally Boy,” what is the story behind the new artist name?

Sally Boy: The song came first. It was really written as a stream of consciousness in the summer after my freshman year. A lot of times I have trouble understanding what I’m thinking and feeling, so I like to write a stream of consciousness to reflect back on later. So, when I was trying to come up with a name to use… Erez was taken… and I immediately thought about Sally Boy. It just worked because the song was about the younger version of me, looking back on myself and questioning whether or not I was ready to let go of childhood.

The way I look at it Sally Boy is the version of me who has come out later in life. In grade school, I felt like I was constantly suppressing certain parts of me like my weirdness or any femininity I felt. Sally Boy is the part of me that was always there, but I didn’t always allow to come up. Looking back at it, it made perfect sense.

Is this stream of consciousness style of writing something you do across most of your music, and do you like to keep your first drafts? Or do you usually go back and edit the lyrics later for clarity?  

My process has changed a lot. I used to only do stream of consciousness. I’d turn on a voice memo and just play for five minutes and go back a while later and take the parts I liked from it. But for a long time, I had this notion that my subconscious was better at writing music than I was. Now I feel like I’ve grown to have a lot more intention in my lyrics, to understand myself a lot better, and to know what I’m trying to say from the beginning.

You used to be in a band that was pretty successful, with a record deal even on the table at one point. How did you decide that being a solo artist was a better fit for you, and how did you transition out of the band?

It happened recently. During quarantine I officially let them know that I was out. There was a record deal on the table that they wanted to take, but I had to be the bearer of bad news that it just wasn’t going to work well for me. It’s an alt/indie rock band and I felt like stylistically speaking I had moved away from that. I also felt like I had such a good team with me here and felt really confident about working with them. The band is based in Philly and I live in LA now, so it was too hard to straddle the both projects.

You grew up in the suburbs of Philly, but you’ve been living in LA for the past few years. How did your upbringing affect the music you’ve been making? It seems like reflecting on your childhood was really influential for you making this record.

Philly did a lot for me as a kid. Playing music in the basement scene and seeing how people expressed themselves got me well on the way to determining who I wanted to be. I’ve been living in LA for the last two years and working on this record really made me have to come to terms with who I am and who I was back in my childhood.

Did your parents encourage you to play music or were you mostly self-motivated?

I think when I was young, they had some influence because I was put in piano lessons since I was, like, two. But with writing, I think that came from me entirely. Neither of my parents wrote songs, but my mom and grandfather are writers so maybe that was somewhat influential. My mom writes novels and my grandfather was a pretty famous Jewish writer.

Originally, your plan was to record these upcoming songs during your college Spring Break week, but coronavirus hit around the same time, allowing you a lot more time to work on your music. How has the pandemic changed the music you are releasing now?

First of all, I think I had way too high of goals for myself at the beginning. When this first hit, I told my manager, “I’m going to give you an album in one week” (laughs). I really thought we could do that. I had a lot of drive in the first week to complete the record and then we hit a wall. I think, in the end, the vision I had for this music before quarantine though pretty much came through in the final product.

I think that what will be affected more are future projects from me. We made a lot of the album in the desert and did some tripping with friends. It took me to places mentally that I hadn’t been before. I think every album after this one though will be drastically different because my mindset as changed, and I’m more confident and open now.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but “Sally Boy” sounds like it was written with just an acoustic guitar and the production came later. Was that the process for creating the song?

Yes, “Sally Boy” was the first time I ever recorded with Cole Mitchell who I work with a lot now. We made the demo of this song in our shitty apartment with just my vocals, background vocals, and guitar and that was it. I loved that demo and thought it would be a beautiful start to an album. So, I sent the demo to Rob (AKA Hong Kong Boyfriend) just to see what he thought about it, and I didn’t hear back from him for a few days. Next time I saw him he told me to come over, and he had essentially produced out the whole second half of the song and played it for me. It’s almost exactly the way the final song is now. Hong Kong Boyfriend is also on another song, later in the album. This song has such a long life, we’ve worked on it for like a year-and-a-half and other collaborators like my friends -- Joe Avio and Cam Lee -- helped out on it too, so the story is super long, but basically, that’s how it started out.

Which song are you most excited about releasing?

“Kane.” It’s a later single of mine. I’ve been rooting for that song since the beginning. It was one of the first songs I ever really tried to produce by myself. I was horrible at production back then and so it’s changed a lot, but it was a big moment for me. The second I wrote this song, I really believed in it, but everyone else was against it: my managers, my friends… everyone. They didn’t like it at all. And now, it’s a song that people often point out to me as one of my best.

Who are your Ones to Watch?

Raissa, Jhune, Joe Avio, and Contradash!

#Sally Boy #Q&A #Indie #Singer Songwriter

[wsmith215]

NCAA tennis champion Estela Perez-Somarriba has unfinished business at Miami

Across the NCAA, seniors were left asking “What if?” in March, after the coronavirus pandemic canceled the remaining winter and spring sporting events. Here are the stories that show the sudden, complicated, controversial and emotional endings athletes have been coming to grips with over the past few weeks.

On the morning after the NCAA announced it would allow seniors playing spring sports to return for an additional year following the cancellation of the remainder of the season due to the coronavirus pandemic, Estela Perez-Somarriba woke up in her apartment in Coral Gables, Florida, and knew what she wanted to do. She was going to return home to Spain, self-isolate with her family and prepare for the start of her professional tennis career.

But by that afternoon, after a few hours to let the weight of her decision sink in, Perez-Somarriba had changed her mind. As the defending NCAA singles champion, she thought she had unfinished business to take care of. She loved her time at Miami and wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye to the team or the school.

She was going to stay. Perez-Somarriba became the school’s first athlete to announce her decision to return with a letter on the athletic department website. She hasn’t second-guessed the decision since.

2 Related

“It was a challenging decision, but I’m really attached to UM, and finishing my college career the way I always dreamt of is important to me,” she said. “There’s still so much I want to give to this program. I think only student-athletes could relate to this, but when you spend so much time with your coaches and your teammates and representing the university, it means so much and is just so special.

“I was also concerned about all of the uncertainty [at the professional level] right now, and there are so many questions about tournaments, traveling, sponsorships and my own family being quarantined in Madrid. I realized it was going to take quite a while to go back to normal. So I thought, I’ll use this time to get better, to keep practicing and keep improving. I’m pretty sure I made the right decision and am excited about next year.”

Now the 21-year-old will have one more year to expand upon her prolific collegiate career, which has already cemented her in Hurricanes lore. Perez-Somarriba became the second Miami player to win an NCAA title last spring (Audra Cohen in 2007 was the other), and with a 141-23 record in singles play, she has the most wins in school history (a record she broke in January). She’s a two-time ACC Player of the Year, a four-time All-American and the 2019 recipient of the prestigious Honda Award.

While she says she tries not to get too wrapped up in accolades, she does hope to repeat as NCAA champion next season and admits that she feels some motivation when she knows a record is on the line.

Head coach Paige Yaroshuk-Tews knew Perez-Somarriba was a gifted tennis player when she first arrived on campus as a freshman, but the coach admittedly didn’t think Perez-Somarriba was capable of being the best in the country. Yaroshuk-Tews had some concerns about Perez-Somarriba’s fitness but was immediately impressed by her work ethic and willingness to improve.

“I remember when she first came in, we had the whole team line up at the Watsco Center to run sprints,” Yaroshuk-Tews said. “And she made it back to the line and didn’t look very good. She was gassed, and her face was so pale, I was just about to tell our strength coach to let her sit the next one out. But then he blew the whistle, and she just took off. She went from looking like she was about to pass out to sprinting past everyone. We still joke about it, but that’s [the] thing with her. Once the whistle blows, she’s ready to go, no matter what.”

Estela Perez-Somarriba is the second player from Miami to win the NCAA women’s singles title. Manuela Davies/USTA

That drive and never-quit attitude have been the hallmarks of Perez-Somarriba’s time at Miami, and she has tried to soak up everything she can from the school. She is lauded by the coaching staff for her tireless efforts, on and off the court, and for doing whatever she can to improve her game. With Perez-Somarriba one of two seniors on a team otherwise entirely made up of freshmen, Yaroshuk-Tews asked her to step up as a leader. In typical fashion, she more than responded to the request.

“For the past three years, she’s understandably been focused on herself, but she was able to step out of that box and develop herself as a leader and become one of the better leaders that I’ve ever coached,” Yaroshuk-Tews said. “The girls really respect her and listen to her, and her personality started to rub off on them in an amazing way. It will be fun to see her get another year with them.”

Like most schools across the country, Miami closed its campus, including athletic facilities, and switched completely to online distance learning in March. Perez-Somarriba stayed at her apartment off campus, where she has been the past two months. She completed her bachelor’s degree in economics (with a 3.928 grade point average) and will graduate at the school’s delayed ceremony in December. She has been staying in shape with frequent runs and by using a stationary bike and some dumbbells she bought for her apartment.

She has been reading, cooking, Facetiming with her family in Madrid, finding new plants for her apartment and indulging her curious nature by researching anything she finds interesting online. A self-professed homebody, she hasn’t minded the downtime or being on her own. Yaroshuk-Tews says it’s Perez-Somarriba’s maturity and focus that have allowed her to continue to thrive, despite the unprecedented circumstances.

“She is the only kid that is asking during the pandemic to get into the equipment room to get some kettlebells and is setting up a personal gym in the living room of her apartment,” Yaroshuk-Tews said. “She is not the most talented of all the kids I’ve coached in terms of athleticism, but her work ethic and her approach to her practices is honestly like nothing I’ve ever seen in my life. I don’t think I’ll see anything like it again, either. You typically don’t see players that are as successful as she is but that are as humble and grateful for every single thing that’s given to them. When you mix that with her level of work ethic, the results are exceptional.”

Although the tennis courts on campus remain closed, a public court nearby has opened up as Florida eases its restrictions, and Perez-Somarriba and two of her teammates have been using it several mornings a week. The team has stayed in contact with frequent Zoom meetings, and Yaroshuk-Tews knows she can count on Perez-Somarriba to keep everyone’s spirits high with her positive attitude (and is appreciative that there is guaranteed to be at least one student-athlete on the call who didn’t just roll out of bed.)

Although so much remains in flux, Perez-Somarriba is determined to carry on as usual and is viewing her fifth year as the perfect opportunity for transition. She will look to defend her NCAA title (and break a few ACC records on the way) and complete a master’s degree in sports administration, but she also hopes to play in some professional events in the summer and fall, if and when the season resumes, to bolster her ranking and give her much-needed match experience against a higher level of competition.

As most of the players on the WTA tour skipped the collegiate level to turn professional as teenagers, Perez-Somarriba knows her résumé will be slightly different than those of many of her peers, but she has watched other college-stars-turned-pros, such as Danielle Collins, Nicole Gibbs and Kristie Ahn, succeed in recent years, and they have provided her a blueprint of what’s next. Still, she has modest goals to begin her career.

“I would like to make it to the top 100,” Perez-Somarriba said. “I just want to work hard every single day and just know that I gave it a shot, and I tried my best, and I did it the right way. If it works, great. If not, it doesn’t work. I just want to know I did everything the best I could to make my dreams come true.”

Perez-Somarriba got a taste of that dream when she played teenage phenomenon Coco Gauff at a sold-out homecoming exhibition match in February in Delray Beach, Florida. Gauff, then 15, was weeks removed from her fourth-round run at the Australian Open, in which she knocked off defending champion Naomi Osaka, and Perez-Somarriba was thrilled about the opportunity to play her.

Perez-Somarriba was coming off a win with her team at Georgia Tech, and her teammates and many of her friends were in the crowd to cheer her on against Gauff. She says she wasn’t intimidated by the moment and was excited to have the chance to gauge her skills against someone such as Gauff. Perez-Somarriba lost 6-3, 6-3 in 75 minutes, but she was pleased with her performance, and it fueled her belief that she could play at the next level.

“This is going to sound crazy, but I learned from that match that I could play against anybody,” she said. “Coco is such a great player, and she’s so young, and she has so much potential, but the fact that I was playing against her and kept it pretty tight, and I never felt as if I didn’t belong there. I actually felt comfortable and relaxed in that scenario and environment, and that has motivated me a lot. It gave me a lot of confidence, as well as exposing some of my weaknesses, so I left knowing some things to work on, and I’m still trying to improve [in those areas].”

For Yaroshuk-Tews, who watched proudly, the match was an incredible reminder of how much Perez-Somarriba has improved in her four years at the school.

“I just sat in the stands and took it all in. I just kept thinking, ‘Here’s a kid that came to the University of Miami, and I thought she, at best, would maybe be a No. 3 player for us, and now is out there playing Coco Gauff in front of a sellout crowd.’ The environment was unbelievable, and Stela more than held her own. It was just amazing to see how far she’s come.”

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#Sports Report

[ghost-town-story]

... The more I sit here and am allowed to think, the more pissed off and upset I get

Rant blog status reinstated!

So firstly, I’m not happy about getting kicked off campus. But social distancing shit, whatever I guess, whatcha gonna do. 

But no. My fucking mother takes the goddamned fucking cake rn. 

We got the email about being kicked off around 4 pm eastern time, Monday. My mother. This fucking woman. Calls me and insists I pack my stuff and get off campus by Tuesday morning. Packing is normally at least a few days ordeal, especially since I hate packing and it always stresses me out a bunch. But done in little spurts, okay I guess, more doable. 

But noooo I have to get out by Tuesday. Fucking. Morning. And this woman actually has the gall, the fucking gall to halfheartedly suggest I start out Monday evening since I’ve gone nocturnal. 

I tried to tell her there’s no fucking way, but she wouldn’t fucking listen. So she hangs up, and I go down the hall bc I desperately need a hug by this point, and she’s a sweetheart but the only roommate available is a gangly skinny girl and not the type of hugs I need. (really, boyfriend would be ideal, but at the time he was in Colorado visiting his sister). And I end up breaking down on huggin friend’s couch bc I hate packing, and I don’t feel like I can pack up a year’s worth of shit in about 12 hours. 

Mom eventually calls me again, mostly just to tell me “yeah you need to pack up and get back tonight, your roommate can grab the 1-2 bins remaining.” And she refuses to listen to me saying “hey, it’s a solid 2 loads in my car, it’s not gonna be 1-2 bins”  “But it fit all in your first car!” “My first car was a fuckin beast, literally the largest car in the lot freshman year. Fred is definitely shorter, definitely less trunk space, etc.”  “Well Y can get the last few bins.” “It’s a lot of stuff!” “It won’t be that much” JUST FUCKING LISTEN YOU PIECE OF SHIT FFS

I was so stressed and crying that huggin friend stole my phone when I was texting my boyfriend, and had him call me so I could maybe stop crying. I miss my boy. Hearing him was good tho.

I’m packing up my stuff in the bathroom when I remember. I store my empty bins at my brother’s place (2 hrs north). I double check with him and call my mom back “I can’t leave tomorrow. It’s too much to pack, and some of my bins are at Brother’s.”  Despite all this, despite me literally breaking down and crying on the phone, she refuses to listen, to give me an extra day, to bring half my stuff up to my brother’s (and therefore eliminate most of the need to have my roommate take my stuff) and grab my extra bins. Nope, gotta get out.

I was staring at my room, halfheartedly packing and trying to figure out, and just sobbing out loud. I thought remaining roommate was gone at dinner, otherwise I would have tried to be quiet. But she had gotten back without me noticing, and when she poked her head in, I couldn’t do it anymore and just kinda. Fell to the ground crying and apologizing. She’s a such a sweetheart and I feel bad for probably worrying her (and possibly waking her up in the middle of the night with packing noises)

I texted my roommate about this. She basically said, “Wtf, what she’s asking isn’t possible.”

Same thing from my boyfriend. 

My mom kept texting me, asking how things were going, basically ignoring my subtle requests for more fucking time. At one point she said “Hang in there”. I sent a screenshot of that to my roommate and boyfriend and asked, “Is murder acceptable?” Roommate said a solid yes. Boyfriend offered to let me live with him. (cept 2 hour parking and I already got one ticket from that :P)

Mom texted around 10 pm, asking if things were fitting in the car. I wasn’t even remotely to the point of packing the car. I was basically at break number 2 of mandatory “sit down, have something to eat, and rehydrate after crying so damn much”. I think I had one bin completely done (out of what ended up being like. 6 bins? plus assorted bags n stuff) and was mostly done packing my clothes, but like. slow going. Especially when packing is stressful and you keep getting overwhelmed woot woot

I put off a fair number of things bc of panicking about time and simple emotional capability to do so. Sorting out my dishes, unlofting my bed, grabbing my band shit from the music hall across campus.

At some point in the night, I had to lay down, because my body decided “hey, you know what would be great right now? Period cramps, minus the blood.” Which, thank fuck minus the blood, but also it meant I had to spend a solid half hour/hour out of commission bc it hurt so damn much to walk around and try to pack. But I had to keep going, even though the pain came back when I stood up again.  

Mom texted me at 7 am if I’m awake. I hadn’t slept. 

We have housekeepers, and they got there around when I was finishing loading up. I stopped and chatted for a bit (nobody had told them what was going on), and nearly started crying again because it was just so damn shitty. Everything’s so damn shitty. 

So I got on the road at about 8 am, and get to driving for a bit, but about 1.5 hours in I’m doing bad. I can barely keep focused, despite drinking probably half a bottle of Mt. Dew by this point, so I pull into a rest stop and text my mom “Hey, I forgot my shampoo/conditioner/toothbrush stuff, and also I don’t think I can get home safe.”

Does my mother tell me to take a nap in that rest stop? Nope Does she tell me to find a hotel or motel there and take a nap/sleep and try again tomorrow? Nope Does she tell me I can go back to school, sleep through the day, and try again tomorrow? Ha ha fucking ha.

Nope. She calls me, and proceeds to tell me to keep driving, and that she’s going to stay on the phone with me so I don’t fall asleep. 

I yelled at her quite a few times, when she was being fucking stupid about all this shit. She had the fucking gall to be pissed that I pulled an all nighter, when that’s what was fucking necessary to meet her stupid fucking deadline. 

At one point, I made a new driving playlist so hopefully it would keep me awake better while I wasn’t on the phone (being serenaded... awake? by the lovely voice of Tilian lel (lots of DGD and his solo work on that playlist. Also ATL. Fuck yeah ATL. anywho)). And right after I made that, she ended up calling me before I was driving yet, and I rejected it bc I really wanted to finish my text to the dear bf, and then I started driving, thinking she’d call me back and chew me out for ignoring her, but surprisingly nope. So I just jam out for a bit, and eventually start yelling at myself bc of dumb writing ideas (the original story rewrite... lol) and I end up texting my roommate (while driving... shh) “Hey, feel free to call me if you want to hear me ramble on about writing” So after a short phone call from mum where she hung up to let me drive through a city, roommate calls, and I end up spending the last few hours of my drive rambling at her and mutually bitching about the shitty situation this leaves us in. 

When I get home, my dad (a doctor) is wearing a mask, apparently at my mother’s request. He also mentions that we probably shouldn’t be in the same room, according to her. I am also forced to strip everything and shower basically immediately. K, fine, I do so, Dad makes me dinner (despite Mom’s probable disapproval), and I stay awake just long enough to toss my laundry in the dryer. It was a close thing tho. I nearly fell asleep waiting for the washer to finish. And so I pass out at 8 pm central time (9 pm eastern)

Mom, during all this, has fucked off Up North to our cabin, my final destination.

Wednesday, Mom makes me leave our place in the Cities at 11 am to get up before weather gets worse and all that jazz. Once here, I’m allowed freedom for as long as it takes to help mother move shit so I can fit my car inside a garage, then I take the bare minimum inside (my electronics, stuff that would explode if frozen (like pop (and my Smirnoff Ices shh)), travel toothbrush I somehow have and hairbrush), and I’m immediately quarantined to my room and the bathroom down the hall. 

So here I fucking am. Bored as shit and pissed the hell off

I needed more time. But no fucking way Mom was going to let that happen. 

I could have gone up to my brother’s. But noooo I had to come all the fucking way home, only to be shoved in a room for two weeks.

I could have taken care of all/most of my shit by my fucking self (dishes are debatable, would need basically the whole apartment to sort those out), but nope, can’t take enough time to take a trip up to my brother’s apartment 2 hours away, no way.

Nope, instead I have to suffer a panic attack for basically 16 hours, then nearly kill myself driving, because I can’t stay one fucking day more, because I have to get my ass up here just to be basically shoved in a room and left alone for 2 goddamned weeks. Nope. Can’t fucking make sure that moving out, usually stressful on its own, is as calm as we can make it in these trying times. Nope. Gotta just fucking nearly kill the kiddo instead to comply with my stupid whims because I can’t fucking listen

I’m pissed.

Especially since I was almost 100% sure I was gonna block her everywhere and go full no contact with this bitch after college.

But now I’m stuck here for the foreseeable future! Yay! Can’t see that going badly! 

(I’ve already texted the anonymemers to call me so I don’t go crazy and actually punch her. We’ll see how that goes. The desire has been kinda strong all afternoon.)

Fuck

This

Shit

#rant blog status: reinstated

[thatssoshaina]

Shai's Resume

Part of me always wanted to be an agent. Surprisingly Real Estate agent was not on my list. When I went to college I knew Business was my field. I played with the idea of focusing on sports management and entertainment management. However all of that flopped when I decided after a lit freshman year and an unfocused sophomore year that college wasn’t for me.

Prior to that, the first blog I ever made was here on Tumblr and it was called MuChic. It was a blog about music, focusing on up and coming local artist, and fashion. Music was a big part of my upbringing, all of my family especially my generation played an instrument or 3. I was determined to be the person who got local talent the recognition they deserved. I don’t think that dream is gone yet but I don’t hold the keys to that door right now.

After deciding traditional college was not my path, I considered getting my cosmetology license. Even went so far as to attend an orientation at a well known school for it. Then I came to the realization that I love looking good, I love making other people feel good about themselves, but I didn’t wanna do hair. I am definitely good at a few styles, and my barber skills will hold you over if you need a quick line up. But, it was not my calling.

I did however fall in love with Permanent Makeup. I can’t do make up to save my life but PMU stole my attention especially when it comes to brows. PMU is expensive to learn and invest in when your just getting started so I first took up lash extensions. At first it was new so it was all glitz and glam but after a while I would be lashing and thinking is this all I’m going to do with my life? Those 3 hour long appointments were great for thinking. In 2019 I did open Shai’s Beauty Room officially in an office in Silver Spring, MD. That was truly my biggest flex. Lashes and brows became my life. Then in 2020, COVID hit. I stopped taking clients and closed up shop. And no, I do not regret it. It was a brutally sad moment but times were weird, God was working, and I knew it wasn’t the end for me.

During quarantine I started thinking of what was next for me. And I did a lot of thinking and finding new hobbies. Making loc jewelry, personalized gifts, brainstorming and brainstorming. Backtracking a little, after college, I did start a course to become a certified in interior design. I thought about picking that up again, which will happen, but first I needed something else for what I really wanted to accomplish with that. I needed to learn the Real Estate business. I signed up for a self guided class in November and BOOM 4 months and 1 test later I became a licensed Realtor.

I spent the last 5 years working in child care (I never had only 1 job) and honestly some careers people have, they are only still in it because they got stuck being comfortable. I, for some odd reason, am very comfortable being uncomfortable. Diving into new things even if I don’t know how deep the waters are. At this very moment I am diving into my new Real Estate career, building new networking circles, and slaying brows 1 hair stroke at a time. I can honestly say the path I’m on now feels right and I’m glad you guys are here to see me grow!

Fun facts: I am a licensed Bartender, my very first job was as an administrative assistant, I worked as a server for 2 years, I worked in retail at 2 stores for some months at a time and I still have a desire to be an event planner, chef, and a start up business coach…

#resume #jobs #biography #real estate #long reads #motivatingwords #career path