#to put the suffering of our own people ahead of our feelings

[adonis-koo]

of bones and gods

Summary: in an act of keeping war from breaking, the Prince of Penumbra, Jeon Jungkook must journey to Eunoia to wed their Princess, in one final act of mourning his freedom the night before his wedding, he runs into the Queen of Eunoia

Genre: arranged marriage, enemies to lovers

Word count: 3k

Note: this is a lil drabble based it’s main story Wicked you can read this as a stand-alone though!

Jungkook had been dreading this day for as long as the news had permitted in the air, the day he would have to leave the comforts of his homeland and accept that he was soon to be shackled and forced into marriage with a woman he would never love.

The grip on his reigns were deathly tight, his knuckles white and an icy rage in his eyes that had never quite left since two years ago when his father announced that he would be wed to the princess of Eunoia, and a rite of peace would be settled to cease the five year war.

He had many thoughts about the war, he was relieved, happy even to hear that it would finally end, but at the expense of his own freedom and happiness left him mixed inside.

And then the rage, the hopelessness, the depression that the woman he loved would have to be subjected to his new wife.

It wasn’t fair to have this much resentment for someone he had never met, but he didn’t care, this woman was nothing short but the ire of all his problems.

The hoofs of his horse plotted on the ground in the sound of a drum, five hundred echoing not too far behind as precautionary measures of Eunoia would try anything.

Not that they would, Jungkook personally thought it was a bit much, they were pacifists by nature, not even participating in the five year war despite the other nations putting pressure on them. It was the reason his father had chosen them out of everyone.

“I will be glad when this headache is put too rest,” his father finally commented, having rode beside him the last few hours in silence, “We won’t be staying after the ceremony, there’s much too do in the kingdom once we get home.”

Jungkook said nothing, his anger still very much awake and burning.

His father glanced at him, “Come now, don’t be so sour, she’s pretty. And not nearly the headache Seohyun was. You couldn’t ask for a better wife.”

“Is this supposed to make me feel better?” Jungkook hissed out, finally releasing his reigns to peel off his outer jacket.

Despite being early spring, he had taken note for the weather changes during their travels, in Penumbra, frost would still be on the ground. But here so close to Eunoia, it was warm out, buds were already on the tree’s and he could even spot wild flowers in groves of the valley.

And though he despised his soon to be wife and her people and this I sufferable wedding, Jungkook could not deny the peace he felt being on Eunoia’s grounds, he had never been here before, but he could see why it was called the Capitol of the Sun.

“Perhaps some gratitude that it could be worse is suitable.” His father commented, “I know you’ve despised this match from the beginning, and I don’t expect you to make a genuine attempt to make things work,” his fathers gaze darkened, “But I do expect you to uphold our family name, and above all else.”

“Protect the family,” Jungkook rolled his eyes.

“And soon, she will be one of us, whether you like it or not.” His father trotted ahead, sending a knight towards the soldiers behind to set up camp on the outskirts of the city.

Jungkook glared at his back but the loud noise of a horn took his gaze elsewhere, his eyes widening a little at the tall oak tree’s that lead into a forest. They would be arriving at the entrance of the capitol soon.

Jungkook slowly glanced around as he noticed people hidden in the groves and sloped hills slowly emerge.

Field workers, he thought, nothing short of curious as they all glanced at the passing of him.

Jungkook briefly wondered if he was in a dream though, women of all kinds, beautiful, some short others tall, thin or thick, freckles and darker warm skin, hair of bronze or birch, all in gowns short and skin on display.

Harlots. They’d probably be called in any other nation, he had heard of Eunoia’s primal customs, their way of life being looked down upon or considered indecent.

But here in Eunoia, these women were simply workers.

Baskets in hand filled with fruits, wheat or other foraged goods.

“Seems you’ve the pick of the lot for one last night of freedom.” Jeong Dae clearly noticed as well as he gave Jungkook a pat on the shoulder.

Jungkook only gave him a sullied look.

The only woman he wanted was the one he had to leave back in Penumbra.

The forest eventually opened into the field where the capitol was displayed, the sun shining it’s heavens upon its white cobble stone streets, vines growing off every house and flowers emerging from the place it could.

Jungkook couldn’t help but gawk around, his eyes intrigued with every inch they closed in on the castle, he knew it was a new land, but he had never been away from home, not truly, not unless it was to destroy another’s.

He never had the luxury of actually taking in another lands beauty before. And it was nothing like Penumbra, color flourished in every spot his vision could find, ivory that could never survive Penumbra’s cold climbed off every surface.

Stalls of trade had been set up and fountains poured where those gathered for water.

His brows furrowed as he watched a group of young girls play with long pieces of chiffon, some sort of dancing game as they waved the fabric in the air while singing.

Then his gaze set to two young boys, doing a dance of their own, this kind having to do with balancing on their hands, but they continue to fall over.

And eventually Jungkook’s eyes settled on the olden steps of the castle that lead to the courtyard, and upon entering it was just as angelic as the rest of its lands.

Vines bushes out hanging off parts of the upper rails, a large pond circled up ahead and the worn stone decorated the floors of the courtyard only adding to its beauty.

The man that stood behind it, his advisor behind him was the one Jungkook took note of.

Elisar stood calm, a face nothing short of welcoming as Jungkook and his father dismounted their horses.

“We welcome you to Eunoia, we’ve long since await this day and your arrival, there’s very few things left that need tending too.”

Dae Seong shook his hand firmly and Jungkook did as well next.

“We’ve all awaited this day, I’m ready for it to be done and over with truth be told, all this fuss just for a ceremony.” Dae Seong puffed.

Jungkook curiously watched for Elisar reaction, he knew his father rarely made friends.

Elisar only gave a small smile, “There is only but one day left to wait, thank the gods. Follow me please gentleman, I’ve made most arrangements in terms of the agreement for your access to the Noxtria mines, this should all be suitable but it would be best for you to read through it once more before signing.”

Jungkook briefly glanced around once more, light flowed in from every entrance and it felt like gold was spilling in bringing a certain warmth Jungkook didn’t think possible.

The guards ahead opened double doors as Elisar lead them in, “We of course, have plenty of time to discuss these matters later, aside, I’m honored for you to meet my wife Esme and my lovely daughter Y/n.”

Jungkook stood a little straighter, having known this moment would come whether he wanted it to or not.

‘She’s pretty’ his fathers words echoed in his head.

And here she was.

Y/n.

She was shorter then he anticipated her being, and it wasn’t his intention for his eyes to drop to her chest but her gown, truth be told was a risqué move even by Penumbra standards.

But seeing as her mother’s dress had a plunge in hers almost down to her mid stomach, this was very customary for Eunoian’s.

Still, her sleeves were flowing and long, leaves patterned on the sleeves, her shoulders exposed from the material and her neckline plunged dangerously low, a noticeable slit in the side of her dress, giving a small display of thigh if she shuffled.

She did that quite a bit.

His father wasn’t wrong, he begrudgingly thought.

She was very pretty.

Not just pretty, pretty was not a good description of it, it couldn’t describe the soul sucking beauty that radiated from her.

She had an ethereal kind of beauty, the kind that made it look as if her skin was glowing with light, flowers that could bud at her fingertips and eyes that burned with the fire of the sun, an otherworldly, primordial kind of beauty, the kind that men and gods would wage war over.

Jungkook couldn’t describe it.

In fact, lingering on trying to describe it made his lip almost twitch in annoyance.

Esme was graceful, a beautiful radiant smile on her lips as she spoke, “We welcome you to our home Eunoia! I’m sure the travel was long and taxing on you both, I do hope you enjoy our home, we look forward to the severed bonds of the past being repaired.”

It was silent only for a moment, but it was painfully loud as all eyes dropped to Y/n.

Too much fabric was in the way for Jungkook to really get a good look, but he thought for a brief moment he caught a glimpse of Esme twisting her daughters arm.

Who despite the raw energy her persona held, evidently was not nearly as well spoken nor graceful as her mother.

“It’s an honor to host for the royal family of Penumbra, I…” Her voice was a bit ragged, every word sounded like something was stuck in her throat, as if it was a genuine struggle to speak.

“look forward to our life together.” Y/n gritted her teeth, and Jungkook surely never heard a bigger lie in his life.

Her lips twitched as if resisting the urge to scowl as her eyes finally met his, as if left with no other choice but to acknowledge his existence.

Jungkook had seen this look before, it was a look he had received by many in his travels of diplomatic matters.

It made him want to scoff, what right did this woman have to judge him? Beauty or not it didn’t hide the fiery rage that roared behind her eyes.

Justice, or a lack thereof screaming in her face and haughtiness of presumption was evident in the way she held herself, as if she already knew him without so much as hearing a word from him.

It grated on Jungkook’s nerves, he held out his hand, feeling his fathers expectated gaze on him.

‘She will be one of us soon, whether you like it or not’

Her hand was much smaller, but surprisingly he was met with calluses of her own and briefly he wondered what she did to gain them.

Her nails had evidently been cleaned but he could still spot smudges of dirt beneath them that had evaded careful eyes.

He wasn’t sure how though, seeing as she was watching him like a hawk, her gaze was unwavering, refusing to back down or shy away from him as his own locked onto her, pressing a kiss against her knuckle, “Jeon Jungkook, the pleasure is ours.”

It felt like an electric current coursing through his body before the connect was snapped, her hand yanking away from him as if it had been burned.

Y/n’s smile was sharp, nothing less than unwelcoming, “The feeling is mutual.” It was said almost as a sneer.

The Bitch of Eunoia, that’s what they called her, and Jungkook could very clearly see why.

His father said she’d be less of a headache than his old fiancé, but somehow…His eyes followed her figure as she gave a courtesy and was escorted by a knight out of the room along with her mother, his eyes following her figure as the doors closed behind them.

Somehow, he truly doubted that was going to be the case.

This woman would surely give him a headache of a lifetime.

Jungkook sighed as he tipped the bottle of wine to his lips, groaning at how sickeningly sweet the Eunoian wine was.

It felt like a taste of heaven dripping on his lips, though he was did miss the sharper more dry taste of Penumbrian wine, tomorrow he would have to face his destiny and marry the bitch of Eunoia.

But tonight he would drink and mourn.

Glancing at his ceiling, it was high, beautiful sculpted of white speckled noxtria, it made him snort, how could Eunoia use the strongest rock and metal uncovered as decor?

It did make him curious about the castle though, sighing he stood up, a bit wobbly albeit but it was late into the night and he doubt anyone would give him grief.

Keeping the bottle in hand he decided to explore the castle, this was likely to be the only time he’d ever be in Eunoia, he might as well make it count.

Just as he assumed, with it being late at night and nobody gave him grief, the few servants still up gave deep bows and curtseys but made wide room for him.

He didn’t understand the looks of concern they gave but paid them no mind as he took another large drink from the bottle.

Rooms were lit with candles and glowed with colors and flora, beautifully sculpted and windows from floor to ceiling.

Some rooms even having windows on the ceiling, opening into the sky, he had never seen something like this before.

Through journeying around the castle he ended up on a lower level, the room was shaped in a dome and flora once again crawling from every surface and another room with a window on the ceiling, opening up into the moonlight where flowers slowly unfurled, at the center of the room was a large circle that opened into the ground and he recognized it was a white oak stump, the surface sanded as if crafted into a seat.

The curves of it however made it look odd, a top of it sat a crown- or something kin to it, a strong band- he realized was noxtria and a pair of buck antlers, large, thirteen points on each side.

“Beautiful isn’t it?”

Jungkook jumped, clutching his bottle tighter as he whirled around, “Your Majesty…”

Esme only raised her brows a little, clearly amused at having caught the prince off guard, a smile on her face as he attempted to bow, “No need for that, wouldn’t want you to fall and be bruised for your wedding.”

Jungkook begrudgingly straightened, he wasn’t that drunk, “Why is her Majesty up so late?”

“Who isn’t up this late tonight?” Esme countered, slowly walking towards him, before brushing past him as she walked further, “Isn’t it beautiful though?” She asked but didn’t wait for an answer, “It was the crown my great grandmother Galadria wore for her coronation.”

She gestured upwards, Jungkook’s eyes lifted as he realized the large portraits that hung on the wall, the room was a dome shape and four hung halfway across the room.

His eyes wandered to each one, the most recent obviously Esme and Elisar, the portrait was regal, Esme clearly younger and wearing the crown, sitting upon the inner curve of the stump, and Elisar sitting on the actual seat. And then his eyes lifted to clearly her mother, and her mother before her.

All the way until the first portrait, Galadria, sitting alone, but her dress alone took up every space.

“Galadria hadn’t wed at the time until after she was queen. Still, there is something cathartic about her portrait,” Esme hummed in wonder, “I do hope you and Y/n will make a return within the year back to Eunoia to allow her to get her portrait done as well.”

Jungkook only leaned against the marble column, taking another gulp from his bottle as he said nothing in return, he wouldn’t make false promises, he had no intention of returning to this place so long as duty did not command it.

“My daughter…Y/n…I will warn you wicked Prince,” Esme slowly turned around, her dark eyes piercing him as she spoke, “She is not for the faint of heart. Her heart is tender and she has created walls of fire to protect it,”

She paused, taking a long look at him as if accessing him, “She will burn anyone who dares try to hurt her. So protect her.”

“Pardon?” Jungkook couldn’t help but chuckle at her words, shaking his head as he took another drink.

Esme glanced at his bottle before back at him, “It is any mothers wish for her daughter to be safe, do not take this as a command or I a queen, but as a mother.”

“With all due respect, I am not for the faint of heart.” Jungkook lazily leaned against the column once more.

Esme puffed a breath, “I am not worried whether my daughter can handle you, I am certain she will, it is you I worry for,” she folded her hands together, “Y/n is…she is a million souls of the lineage before her, she holds the wrath of a god in her bones,” Esme’s eyes grew cold, “And what are you? A prince who befell a misfortunate time to be alive?”

Jungkook glowered up from his bottle, “I am far more than what you and others say I am.”

Esme curved a brow, “Then I can only hope what you say is true. For Y/n will need that, whether she realizes it or not, she will need someone who will not be afraid of her, who will not let the flame of her soul consume them. Someone who will accept her as she is, I will not presume who you are, but I will put trust that you are not just merely a prince.”

Jungkook said nothing, eyes staying on her as he lifted the bottle to his lips.

“Do come and visit after you wed, I think you’ll fit nicely along the walls of our home,” Esme smiled, light lifting back to her face as she walked past him, snatching the bottle out of his hand, “Now go drink some water, I will not let either of you ruin your own wedding over foolishness.”

#jungkook #jeon jungkook #jungkook x reader #jungkook x y/n #jungkook x you #bts x reader #Jungkook smut #jungkook x reader smut #Jungkook imagine

[xvxnux]

navigation : paid readings ☆ masterlist

i : "i need you to be strong now, everything that's happening today will somehow serve to bring you to me... your best version. believe in what i'm saying now: we will still have sad feelings about this, it's something that marked us and made us suffer. i need you to dedicate yourself and not give up, make plans. always have a direction! always have dreams and look for things that make you want the best for all eternity. i know things are tough and you're tired of waiting for genuinely good things. there's something difficult for us to deal with besides all of this, you know? something from our inner selves that you refuse to accept happened and refuse to expose and talk about. you're right to preserve yourself, but know that everything you put effort into doing succeeds. our secret will be safe until you want it to be, and can i tell you something? we'll never tell. know that your future will be good, comfortable. you'll have time to feel the cool breeze in your hair and have moments of peace. you may be curious about your career, right? well, listen, you'll be successful. you'll have a stable and admired mind, you can do anything! i'm sorry if i confuse you when i say "you" at some moments and "our" at others. i see us as different people now, who suffer and feel the weight of the present is you, and you will always be proud of your story. i'm in the future, waiting for you to blossom! I'm sorry i can't give you more directions about our future right now, but i'm worried about you. oh, stop apologizing! i hope you'll be alright. with love, your future self."

i see that you might be going through a tough time at the moment. the cards mostly speak about stability. perhaps you're confused about your career, and you might wonder if this reality will change, which can cause you pain.

your future self didn't want to talk about other matters; they are concerned. you'll become even more responsible for yourself and your feelings. i can see that in the future, you may face emotional challenges, and your burden is heavy, but it's alright — you'll manage well and become even more amazing!

ii : "dont worry, your cup will always be full. you will have brilliant moments ahead, so don't lose faith. there's a new version of yourself about to bloom like a black widow flower. this version will be one of the four you'll experience. no, you won't cease to be yourself, but we agree that you need to evolve, right?! in any case, be confident, your next version will teach you cunning and how to handle malicious people, unfavorable situations, and moments of pain. you'll emerge from all the rough situations, knowing how to navigate them unscathed. don't hold onto this current version of yourself; you're feeling sorry for yourself! i apologize for being tough and cold with you; perhaps it's my desperation for having lived your pain and heard your despair without being able to do much. but i believe, you are me, and i once was you! you need to understand that feeling sorry for yourself will make it difficult to leave the past behind, the same lack i felt once and that you still feel: the missing hug, the support that was lacking... the stabs in our backs and the weight on our conscience. i understand it all. when i say not to feel sorry for yourself, i mean you need to detach from this version; it no longer serves you. but if by any chance you don't understand why you feel this way, i can point out a few reasons: you lacked support and didn't receive the value you deserved. always alone, my love? always. you learned through pain to rely on yourself, you supported yourself, wiped your own tears. You embraced your inner child; yes, you are a child. but this child needs to stay, and you need to continue this journey. learn from all of this that you will still be your own support; your inner child knows how to walk and needs to walk alone, take her off your lap. your version will bring you everything you need, and it's written for you. wait to discover that you are one of the most intelligent people someone could meet. know that you will still have the power of communication; know that you will be feared and respected. feared by enemies and respected by friends! you are loving, and you need to continue to be so, you need to find balance. you want to help people in the future, and you will, but to get to me, you need to nurture the love within yourself. you will stop looking at yourself with harsh eyes and discover new spiritual abilities soon. be happy, i'm waiting for you..."

for me, it was touching and straightforward. i see that currently, you might be experiencing moments where you doubt yourself and wonder if you will reach your desired destination, but yes, you will. much depends on us and our well-being, on how our mind is doing. i see you as an intelligent person with potential, but you have been neglected and diminished in the past. there may be psychological issues that hold you back and eat away at you from the inside. fear of not finding love? nah, you will find it. even though you may not have that next version yet, i see positive aspects in you that help you get through all the difficulties you have faced. you are strong and can protect yourself from many things, but there are still challenging things. your intuition and life situations will guide you to where you belong. don't swim against the current; if you feel like doing something, just do it.

iii : "luck is on your side now, and you need to know how to be rational and think about the future, so when tough moments come knocking at your door, you don't see everything as bad and against you. the friends you have today, few will remain by your side later, and the things you value now will lose their significance. cherish the present moments and prioritize those who are prioritizing you now, okay?! i need you to wake up and be more responsible about your future, don't waste time and money! the future is bright, and you will have everything you desire, but if you still think money can buy everything... stop. i don't have much more to say for now, have a good night."

#pick a pile #pick a card #tarotblr #intuitive #tarot community #free tarot #daily tarot #tarot witch #tarot reading #divination

[furiousgoldfish]

When you grow up having the worst possible things happening to you around every corner, you can't just keep living your life without expecting the worst.

This isn't even paranoia, it's learning by experience. You can't just start expecting nice and safe and kind things to be put in your way, if they never were, it would not be backed up by any real-life experience you had. It would feel like you're dreaming if you suddenly expect your life to change completely and contain different events from anything you've experienced before. We don't work like that. We learn from experience. We can only predict what's ahead by looking at what's behind us, our collective experience on earth is the only pointer we have to what else we can expect to happen.

If you often told that your expectations are twisted, or that you're just looking for the worst in people, or assuming everyone has bad intentions, that's not something you should be blamed for. After suffering abuse and mistreatment, you have to be on the lookout for these things to prevent the worst and to save your life. You cannot afford to get trapped in abuse again, you have to look at every person and ask yourself, what is the worst they're capable of. What would they do if they had the complete power over me. And you have to work with that, make sure it doesn't get to it, as much as it's in your power to do so.

Abuse victims have to go above and beyond to keep themselves safe, because we get targeted. It's not something we want to do, or something we do to make our own lives difficult. We don't enjoy it. We want to be safe. We want to let our guard down. We want to relax and believe we're surrounded by people who wouldn't harm us. But, if we're wrong, the consequences can be disastrous. And getting abused by someone we trusted was safe for us, that is not something we can survive endless times in life.

#learning from experience #abuse recovery #healing from abuse #trauma recovery #vigilance being misdiagnosed as paranoia #assuming bad attentions to keep ourselves safe #i made this mistake too many times recently #and now i'm in the worst mess psychologically then i was years ago :( #i was supposed to be getting better from trauma #instead i'm devastated on a whole new level #i didn't realize how vulnerable i could be as an adult #i lost the faith in myself after being betrayed like this

[aonungyoufuck]

Runaway

Part: Two

Pairing: Ao’nung X Sully Fem!reader

Synopsis : You had Saved Neteyam’s life. Norm and Max Extracting the Bullet but Healing the way Ronal sought to. Being kept at her side to make sure as she put it ‘your recklessness doesn’t kill you’. This leaves you to bond not only with Tsireya a bit more. But Ao’nung as well. Much to Ronal’s dismay

“Breathe how you were taught. It will help ease the pain.” Ronal’s stern voice spoke as she bandaged you up. 

As much as she wanted to hate you and your family for putting not only her people But her children in the dead center of your family’s war. She couldn’t be more thankful that no lives were lost. Not yet if she had a say in it at least. 

“Now lay down Gently. You will stay here till i see you are better”

You nodded. Gulping down a groan as you could barely breathe without any pain. 

“Your Family is allowed to see you. But do not move” Ronal ordered as she stepped outside the Marui that was not far from her own. As your luck would have it. You were the only one severely injured. Which left you lonely but also relieved no one got to see you making faces. 

“My child” Neytiri spoke as she approached you. Gently caressing your face in a form of comfort. 

“Y/n How do you feel?” your father asked you. You barely could move but made an effort to turn to look at him.

“Like death itself”

Small laughter erupted and all you could do was smile. 

“Neteyam, How do you find yourself” you asked. 

“Well sister. Thank you for saving me”

You smiled nodding a bit as you looked up ahead. Your rather not suffer Ronal’s wrath if you move too much. 

“I am to stay here. Sorry i cant be with you all”

“It is alright my child. When our duties do not interfere we will come to talk with you” your mother spoke as you enjoyed her gently grazes on your forehead.

As the oldest daughter you suppose you could enjoy taking some time away from your siblings tho at the expense of some pain “Lo’ak, Kiri, Tuk! Please do not cause more Trouble to Neteyam while i am out of commission”

You didnt need to look to know the offended gasp Lo’ak was sure to wear. “I do not cause trouble”

“Oh Eywa take me now for that is the fattest lie anyone’s ever told” You commented back sarcastically. Making Neteyam laugh and Tuk giggle. 

“But please. Keep yourself safe for i am not there to beat some sense into you guys” you said a yawn escaping your lips as you grew tired after today’s events. 

“Dont Worry. I’ll be there to keep an eye on them” Spider commented. You had almost forgotten that he had joined in again. 

“Great mother have mercy on this clan” Its not that you didn’t trust Spider to keep an eye on them. The only problem was Spider wasn’t one to back down if it looked ‘fun’

“It looks like your tired. Come on now kids lets head out and let your sister rest. Its been a long day already” Jake said as he hurdled the kids out. Your mother stayed, kissing your head as she headed out as well. 

You stayed there. Listening to the waves crash below you and all around you as you sighed. No matter how tired you were. You couldn’t find sleep. Maybe it was the pain? The quietness that was the lack of your family? Perhaps all that happened today. You did not know why. 

“I see you are awake. Much better as mother brings me food to give you” 

Turning but regretting it immediately you saw who it was. Ao’nung. Not that you have gotten terribly close. But now his face didn't initiate some sort of anger like it use to. “Oh. I would have thought only Ronal and Tsireya would come by.”

“Are you unhappy it is me?”

“Not particularly but you know what i mean”

“I know its just fun that you dont have enough bite as before”

You couldn’t really watch but you heard him set stuff aside as he sat beside you and began to feed you. Perhaps if you had witnessed this before or known before you would have rather died. But now you appreciated the gesture. 

“Tsireya will come by later to reapply some of the paste and change your wraps”

You nodded as you finished your meal. 

“You know. Now that im here i cant really deny but i am glad you are well and alive”

“Really now?”

“Is that hard to believe?”

“Not really” you spoke turning to look at him. This time the pain came from the stiffness in your neck from laying down for so long. “We may not be the best of friends but im Glad all of you are safe too you know?”

“You are strange as you are reckless you know?”

“Would you rather i have died?”

“What? No!”

You smiled.  Extending you hand to him for him to take. And reluctantly he did. All you did was gently rub his hand with your thumb. This sight would have made him hiss in anger before. His normal hand against your ‘freak’ one. But it was comforting knowing you were warm and alive and not dead. Like how you felt before. 

“If it were any of you I would also do this, you know? Not Just my family”

“But why?”

“Well i cant speak for you or for anyone really. But when you tend to know the value of a life that is not yours. You do some crazy stuff”

“Do you not value your life?”

“I do. I am thankful i'm alive right now. But I value all your lives a lot too. You are the Future of this Clan along side your sister if not you. I am without a home, remember?”

“Wow you really are strange”

“Are you saying if it was Tsireya you wouldn’t take the fall for her?”

He was quiet. For he didnt need to answer because you already knew. 

“Being the oldest makes you think the least bit about yourself eh?”

“Shut up you Skxawng”

You smiled. Yawning as you finally felt sleep welcoming you. “If i pass in my sleep. Please do not make fun at anyone else who seeks Uturu. Tho i know you made plenty progress already”

You didn't get to see his face fall. The thought of you passing was hard enough on your family he couldn’t really place why. But he feels like he’d mourn a lot as well. 

Watching you sleep he stayed there. Watching your Chest rise and fall. Perhaps he grew paranoid? Perhaps it was the drilling that he was to ‘protect all he can in the clan’ that his father made sure he knew. But he stayed there. Still holding your hand as he listened to you sleep. 

Had Tsireya not come by at night to change your paste and wounds. You wouldn’t have believed that Ao’nung sat there asleep holding your hand. 

And you may have calmed your quickened heart. 

“It seems the Wounds will take much longer to heal. But its made progress during the night”

You nodded as you listened to Ronal speak as she inspected you. “Understandable. Na’vi bodies or humans are built to take a bullet to the chest” you reasoned as you lifted your arm for her to wrap better. “However, I am feeling much better. Thank you”

“You still cannot move too much alright? I'm Afraid a nerve May have been scrapped as your arm is pretty stiff” 

You could only nod. Taking in a breather as you lowered your arm. “I thank you Tsahik. Tho i ask you how is My family”

“Out doing their Assigned jobs. Even that. Human is helping with a hunt right now”

You smiled nodding to yourself in reassurance. Flicking your fingers as you watched her go. Perhaps one day you can talk more comfortably. But you knew how stressful it was. She was to prepare for a child soon. And here you were taking up time. 

So in the silence of the home you stood and thought. Perhaps you could learn a thing or two, if she allowed it. All to help her of course make a fast delivery. Perhaps you were also just making some excuse to stay a little longer. You didn’t know. 

Time moved painfully slow and all you could really do was rebraid your hair. You silently cursing for the thick amount of hair that had managed to grow in such a small state.

You turned a little to look at the small sheer veil of a ‘door’ being moved. Tsireya greeting you and you greeting her back. 

“I see you can move more than yesterday” she says with a smile. Placing down a bowl of fruit” 

“Ah yes. Still sore. Kinda hard to rebraid my hair with just one hand”

“Would you like me to help you?”

“If you do not mind”

And without much word. Tsireya nodded, stepping behind you. And began to work with what your last hair style was. 

“Actually just braid the ends together please? I feel like i cant stand the pressure of them all in braids”

“Thats perfectly reasonable” 

You smiled feeling the hair loosen and give your head a rest. 

“You know it was kinda of sweet that My brother stayed by your side”

You could only roll your eyes. “ i still cant believe it” 

“But you better believe it. If i hadnt have to wake you You wouldn’t have believed my word” 

“Oh Eywa, I know. But its odd as to why he would stay. I mean we aren’t particularly great friends. Or really friends to begin with. I spend most my time here with you or Roxto at the very least”

“I do know. I was there for most of it” Tsireya spoke, finishing up the ends gently rubbing your hair with an oil that would help protect against the sea. “But Brother isnt at all against you guys now. Im sure now of all you guys can become friends”

‘Perhaps even more’ you silently hoped as you could only lay back down. “Perhaps in this time we can. And perhaps not.”

Tsireya smiled. Scooting the bowl closer to you. “Well I’ll leave this here for when you are hungry. Ao’nung will come by later with some more food”

You bid her goodbye. Listening to the waves. The calming of Eywa all around you. It made you thankful. Thankful to be alive at this very moment.

#ao'nung x reader #aonung x reader #ao'nung #avatar the way of water #atwow #atwow ao'nung #ao'nung x you #Ao'nung x femReader #aonung x y/n #aonung fanfiction #avatar 2 #avatar imagine

[vodid]

MASSIVE rotb spoilers ahead but can i just say. the emotions they let optimus feel for once really sold this movie for me.

optimus' anger after what happened to bumblebee, the way he just picked up something and chucked it, is what i want to see from him when he's angry. because there wasn't just pure fury, there wasn't murderous intent, there wasn't "oh they're just really angering me now", no. there was agony. there was grief and pain. there was so much pain in his reaction.

they really let him feel his emotions, let optimus feel his pain, in this movie and i really loved seeing that side of him. he was vulnerable, he made mistakes, he was selfish, he was flawed most of all, and had the weight of the world on his shoulders. he just wanted to do what was right, and bumblebee's death broke him in that moment. he began blaming himself for everything, he took on more of that pain and they let him feel it. they let him learn to navigate it. they let the team know he was suffering with it too; this wasn't something he bottled up and hid from them

it was made VERY apparent that optimus was crumbling under that kind of pressure for a very brief moment. but he had to be strong. for his people, humans, for himself and for bee. but they didn't keep him from experiencing his emotions. but because of needing to be strong, because of trying to be better for his team while in this torrent of emotions, he was not the leader he was meant to be for a bit and that's okay. they really showed he's a person too, complete with his own feelings and relationships. and that those things DO affect his judgment, contrary to what the high standards set against him say.

and after everything, after losing and winning everything all at once, he still put on a smile. because you can be a person with emotions while being the strong leader others need you to be, and i think that was his true arc in this movie. it was more than just "i'm worried about my home" to "i'm worried about my new home", it was so so much more. it was going from "to be strong is to be imposing" to "to be strong is to be gentle"

and this is exactly where age of extinction (and even dark of the moon) went wrong, when optimus discovered ratchet had been killed — by his former allies no less. his extreme reaction was understandable but it lacked that certain compassion that is unequivocally our optimus. or when sentinel betrayed the autobots, betrayed him, and killed ironhide, he didn't show much of that grief/betrayal/sadness that was barely present. he was just. angry.

so i think rotb really set us up for something great. yes, we do get silly goofy prime who isn't as stoic in other things, but we don't often get an optimus who really feels. because they don't let him. some toxic masculinity thing, y'know. and i'm really happy we're moving past that

ngl, it took me several hours to process this movie so to have me tearing up a little bit at the prospect of optimus in visible emotional pain means a lot. it means a job well done. i'm really excited to get to see this movie again sometime

#rotb spoilers #rise of the beasts #if you see this copied and pasted from twt no u don't.

[bird-inacage]

Only Friends: Can Ray be Redeemed? Is Sand the Solution?

I know Ray has upset a lot of people in Episode 8. I do find it really fascinating how quickly the tide has turned on him, especially when you compare his actions to those of our villains of the first arc: Boston and Top. Perhaps I'm in the minority, but I still choose to believe that Ray does care. He's hugely misguided but not heartless.

Let me firstly preface that none of what I'm about to say excuses Ray's behaviour but is an attempt to unpack why I still hold hope.

A child lost with no anchor

Ray is emotionally immature (which as cliché as it sounds, is a direct product of his upbringing - or lack thereof). He largely operates on basic needs, as a child would: 'I want. I need'. It's all based on serving the self. He seems wildly incapable of thinking very far beyond that. Like a child, he can barely take care of himself, let alone anyone else. He's pretty helpless on his own in a lot of respects. Most people grow out of this. Through knocks and hardship, we learn the world doesn't revolve around us and how to equip ourselves with healthy and appropriate means to navigate through life. Ray however, still seems to be stuck in his infantile box.

I often joke that Ray is a bit feral, but there is some truth to that. Ray's been left to his own devices for the majority of his life. So it's no surprise he's developed this 'me against the world' attitude which is volatile and defensive, but ultimately keeps him caged in said box.

These traits are abundantly apparent in his relationship with Mew. Ray is the vehicle for Mew's self-destruction, but all he sees is the exhilaration of having a 'partner in crime', someone to be in 'cahoots with'. Like a pair of naughty school kids getting into mischief, rather than an adult partnership. Ray is all about immediate gratification over long term fulfilment because (as children do), they don't possess the wisdom and experience to think ahead. Ray seems unable to grasp repercussions or consequences in his decision making. It's always act first, think second.

To put it simply, Ray hasn't been taught boundaries and how to respect them. He just gets criticised for crossing them which doesn’t help him learn. No one has had the patience to teach him why and how. To guide, to steer, to direct, to mentor. To educate rather than scold. Prevention rather than cure. As a result, everyone around Ray serves to clean up his messes rather than equip him with the ability to not create them in the first place. He falls into patterns of behaviour that no one has seriously attempted to break which has only amplified with adulthood. The longer those habits prevail, the harder they are to change.

Does Ray harbour ill-will or bad intent?

Is Ray the worst? In my opinion, no. (Not yet anyway - I might eat my words later, who knows). I've said this somewhere before but intent makes all the difference when judging someone's actions. Choosing to actively cause harm whilst being fully conscious of the impact versus triggering damage to occur as a symptom of your behaviour is vastly different. This is where Ray and Boston differ. Boston acts without remorse, he purposely and calculatingly makes choices that will cause the maximum degree of suffering. Whereas Ray's a loose cannon. He leaves a trail of destruction where he goes, due to a lack of control and means to channel how he feels in a constructive manner. Boston's victims are targets, whereas Ray's victims are collateral.

I don't think Ray means to purposely hurt or harm the people he cares about. Because in doing so, he'll push them away - which is precisely what he doesn't want. (Though saying that, Ray doesn't seem to give as much of a damn if it's people he isn't invested in, such as Top). Ray's world consists of what Ray needs. It's not that he doesn't care about a single person besides himself, he's just so wrapped up in his own needs to even gauge the bigger picture.

When others do point out to Ray that he's hurt them, he does tend to look guilty and taken aback, as if he's thinking, 'But I didn't know. No one told me. I had no idea my actions would cause you to be upset'. Painful levels of ignorance. But I also see a huge amount of internalised frustration. 'But why? Why didn't anyone explain this to me? How was I to know?'

Ray is capable of showing remorse, of displaying guilt. He's not cold-blooded. Anyone who can demonstrate compassion is capable of redemption. Ray is seen to be genuinely appreciative and grateful when people are good to him. He's fiercely protective over people he cares about. Ray was also willing to jump in when Sand gets a call from his mum being in trouble.

One thing I do have to stress is the difference in Ray's demeanour when he's severely drunk/high versus when he's sober. His addiction tends to amplify his most primal desires, his most 'childlike' traits. The uglier sides of Ray presented in their worst light, set to maximum. The raging tantrums, the absurd and unpredictable demands, an explosive and dangerous impulsiveness. People often refer to addiction as a form of sickness, which is worth noting when the person under scrutiny is effectively not well.

Learning by Example

Now let's talk about the huge importance of Sand in this equation.

Let me be clear - it's not Sand's responsibility to teach Ray how to grow up or behave more like a functioning adult. It's neither his duty to be a stand-in parent or caretaker. The unfortunate truth is that Ray doesn't have anyone in his life who plays that role. Who is the voice of reason. To keep him on the straight and narrow. In order to actually incite change, Ray needs to be receptive to whoever is trying to help him. We've seen he doesn't respond particularly well to the majority of people in his life. He's defensive with his father, his friends, deflective and pandering with Mew. The only person he's seen to show any signs of actually listening to and registering is Sand.

Whilst it's not fair on Sand, he might be the only person who has any real chance of encouraging healthy and positive growth in Ray. Because Sand loves Ray, he genuinely wants to see improvement for Ray's own good. I don't think it's a coincidence that we tend to see Ray's more endearing side when he's with Sand. His childlike qualities take on a sweeter, more harmless, playful tone.

He needs someone with an almost parental level of unconditional love to not give up on him, where others have thrown in the towel. Ray's character is essentially a personified cry for help. His mother was unable to cope. His father seems chronically exasperated and far too busy to actually be present. His friends have always seen him as bothersome and too much of a handful.

I personally don't want to write Ray off as a lost cause. Ironically, Sand may be the saviour he didn't ask for, but the one he really needs. Someone who can save him from himself.

#only friends #only friends the series #ofts #only friends meta #ray pakorn #ray x sand #sand x ray #raysan #sanray #khaofirst #firstkhao #khaotung thanawat #first kanaphan #ray is such a complex character that i could go on and on #khao just does such a great job of adding so many layers to him

[lostlegendaerie]

Veritas Ratio and Autistic Representation

Chances are you know autistic people in your life; autism itself is a fairly recently coined term, dating back to 1911, and can encompass a wide variety of symptoms and eccentricities which have existed since the dawn of humankind. (The 'fey-touched' child or changeling in European lore shares a lot of traits with autistic children.) Autism is a spectrum, encompassing and overlapping a lot with ADHD and other neurological disorders. There are probably millions of people out there, especially from older generations, who are on the spectrum and have no idea. I did not even get my diagnosis until I was 27.

So it is entirely possible that the creators of Veritas Ratio from Honkai: Star Rail did not intend to write him as autistic and based him on people they knew in their own lives, who, diagnosed or not, are on the autistic spectrum. However, the point of this piece is to talk about the ways in which Veritas Ratio is good autistic representation (in my opinion as a autistic person), and how people who want to write characters like this can take a page out of Honkai's book in their own work.

1) SPECIAL INTEREST. Ratio shows a *staggering* amount of dedication to the pursuit of knowledge and his quest to cure the world of ignorance. This quest of his tends to supersede everything else in his life, with no mention of any friends, family connections or romantic partners in his character story. (Said as a Ratiorine shipper - not sinking any 'ships, here) His dedication to education started early, with reading college undergraduate education levels while still in middle school - seven or so years ahead of his peers. Autism is considered a disability, yes, but it does not exclude you from being smart, and the fixation on your chosen topic(s) can be extremely useful in motivating you to reach the top of your field. His path being The Hunt also outlines this dedication; he is seeking his target without rest or distraction.

2) SENSORY ISSUES. Ratio very explicitly can become distracted and disgusted by the feeling of dirt or sweat on his skin, something that tends to be more prevalent with specific clothing textures but absolutely can manifest in a need to feel clean. He also can apparently become very irritated and overwhelmed by lights and sounds, and wears his plaster mask as a way to deaden and deafen the amount of sensory input that he receives. This allows him to think better, and is a fantastic example of what it feels like to suffer from sensory overload. (If you find yourself getting stressed in crowds, try bringing earplugs and putting them in the next time you're in a noisy restaurant and see if doesn't help you out.)

3) STRONG SENSE OF MORALITY. Autistic people tend to suffer from a somewhat black-and-white feeling of right and wrong, and can hold themselves and other people to an extremely strict moral code. This does not mean that they are always correct in what they believe is right and wrong, but it means that they can be extremely passionate about following those rules. Ratio's beef with the Genius Society and their selectivity is indicative of his unwavering passion towards sharing knowledge with the masses, but the tactless way in which he wishes to cure ignorance bleeds into our fourth point.

4) DIFFICULTY WITH SOCIAL CUES. In one of his earlier conversations with Aventurine (where he is clearly irritated at how careless Aventurine seems to be about their entire mission), Ratio inadvertently insults Aventurine's his lack of education and parents. He apologizes afterwards, stating he did not intend to come across that way, but he maintains the same imperious tone of voice. Autistic people often, but not always, struggle with social cues and can often be considered rude when we are trying to be direct and easily understood; and we can especially struggle with understanding sarcasm or sounding sarcastic when we intend to be sincere.

With my reasons for believing Ratio to be Autistic coded firmly established, let's move onto why I think he is good representation. The two most important parts of representation, in my lived experience as an Autistic person, are RELATABILITY and EMPATHY.

Ratio exhibits some of the same mentalities and symptoms I've had, such as being misunderstood and accidentally offending people and becoming extremely stressed in large crowds due to overstimulation, so he checks off the first box. But the way that the other characters in the game respect him and do not ridicule him for his eccentricities marks the second. Whether in marketing material or in character dialogue options, Ratio's love of baths, his plaster bust, and his ceaseless drive to educate other people (whether they need it or not) are seen as charming and generally positive, and those attributes are not constantly brought up (and mocked) in his interactions and dialogue with other characters. Aventurine doesn't constantly ask Ratio if he needs to leave the Dream to take a bath, and the TB's text conversations with him allow you to engage with his special interests such as his requests for problems to solve and debates to wage against you. He is canonically seen and respected as a brilliant individual, and not reduced to a joke or viewed as comic relief (e.g. Sampo, who almost exclusively is given negative dialogue options for the player to use when interacting with him and who almost every character in the story openly despises.)

Some of you are going to disagree with me in the comments (which is fine, it's my opinion), but for the few of you who read this all the way through, thank you. I hope that this helps you view Ratio and Autistic people overall in a new light, and I am excited to see where else we go from here with him and the rest of the cast!

#saro's writing #hsr meta #hsr ratio #dr ratio #Veritas ratio #autistic experiences

[randomfoggytiger]

Gethsemane, Bill Scully Apologia, and Maggie the Emergency Contact

Dialogue and Play-By-Play Analysis:

Bill: "I picked up the phone when they called Mom. I thought you could use a change of clothes."

Scully: "Thank you... where's Mom?"

Believing her cancer is still a secret, Scully automatically places Bill's importance below her mother, wanting to talk freely with Maggie (without Bill.) Bill sees and understands this; and is hurt that she still won't open up to him despite being here, now, for her. As of yet, he doesn't act on that hurt.

Bill: "I didn't tell Mom what happened...."

Scully: "...But I'm okay. Luckily."

Bill: "You're not okay, Dana."

Scully: "I told Mom not to tell you."

Bill: "Why?"

Scully: "Because it's very personal. Because I don't want sympathy."

For all of the just criticism against Bill later in this arc, here he is holding back his anger (an expression of his hurt) and listening, really listening to his sister. He keeps quiet, giving Scully room to fully explain herself; and even sympathetically locks eyes, giving her his full attention.

Another thing of note: he is staring at Scully with the exact look of sympathy she wanted to avoid. Mulder and Maggie know her enough to acquiesce to her "I'm fine"s; but Bill is her life-long peer, and siblings can't hide truths from each other as effectively as they can their parents or partners.

"You think you can cure yourself."

Bill realizes that his sister never told her own family-- him-- about her cancer because she does, even now, believe she can cure herself. He's stunned, shocked, even appalled; and that leaks into his voice, coming across as judgmental.

Scully doesn't deny it, caught; and sighs, frustrated, that he divined and overly-simplified something she hadn't expressed to anyone and probably would not have been able to without a beautiful speech prepared ahead of time.

"Mom tells me that you've gotten worse. That your cancer's gone into your bloodstream."

This explains why Maggie told Bill in the first place: she cracked under the strain Dana's edict of secrecy put her under, watching her daughter slowly die without any apparent attempts to circumvent that death or even to bond over their shared tragedy. Bill became her only recourse... and Bill spilled the beans (as he does, again, in A Christmas Carol.)

Scully is shaken by his bluntness, unable to shy away from the truth spoken so baldly to her face.

"What are you doing at work getting knocked down? Beaten up? What are you trying to prove-- that you're going to go down fighting?"

Scully: "Now, c'mon Bill--"

Scully is deferring back to an old sibling dynamic: Bill misunderstanding, or only understanding enough to feel she's acting out of turn; and her attempting to draw him away from his preconceived notions. In this case, however, he's right; and she's avoiding the truth of that (subconsciously.)

Bill stops her by slapping down the clothes, getting her full attention.

"Y'know what Mom is going through? Why do you think I didn't tell her when they called?"

"What should be doing?"

Bill: "We have a responsibility-- not just to ourselves, but to the people in our lives."

And he's absolutely correct here: Scully has been so focused on work and its promise of a cure that she's forgotten to give space to those suffering alongside her.

"Just, just because I haven't bared my soul to you or to Father McCue or to God, it doesn't mean I'm not responsible to those important to me."

Here Scully reveals she thought emotional distance and soldiering on was her way of protecting her loved ones from her burdens, providing them strength in the face of her worsening health. In reality, it worsened their fears and burdens; and furthered their isolation... except for, ironically, Mulder, who wasn't ready to face the implications of her impending death, anyway.

"To who? This guy Mulder? But where is he, Dana? Where is he through all this?"

Bill is less right here: from his perspective, Dana has (once again) wrapped herself up with a man whose authority and work ethic supersedes Bill's love and concern for his sister-- another in the pattern of their late father and Daniel Waterston and Jack Willis. Bill isn't stupid: his above reproach also reveals he knows Mulder knows about Scully's cancer; and the fact that her partner did and still left her alone to deal with it to "pursue his career" while Bill hasn't been able to be there to support her at all eats away at him, makes him hate the man. (And still he's civil when he meets Mulder, even talks with him in terms he believes a workaholic will understand-- "Let's keep the work away from here"-- only getting rough when he misinterprets Mulder's blank face in response-- "Let her die with dignity.")

Despite being wrong here, Bill still hits the mark; because Mulder did wander off on a quest. But Scully can't argue for Mulder without betraying her own reticence, her own need to keep Mulder in the dark for Mulder's sake-- because that would betray her feelings in a way that she doesn't want to discuss with Bill, especially after Mulder has consistently dodged that serious conversation for years now. So, she picks up her clothes and ends the conversation.

In-Depth Analysis

Maggie Was Scully's Emergency Contact

The hospital called Maggie when Scully was rushed in, unconscious; and while this doesn't outright disprove the theory Mulder might also be an emergency contact, it certainly fits in with the pattern of him being called to the hospital and let into Scully's room by Maggie and not the other way around (i.e. One Breath and Wetwired.) Furthermore, Mulder isn't alerted (that I know of) to a missed call from the hospital after his return to civilization, meaning the hospital didn't notify him at all.

Bill the Bully?

Is Bill a despicable figure? Most definitely... in a deleted Memento Mori scene-- which is why I think they cut it. Though his words are brusque, even cruel in their blunt honesty, Bill, apart from that scene, doesn't seem to willfully inflict or weaponize guilt against his sister, wielding it only as a reminder of how much her family is left out of her life, how much they want to be there for her and don't understand why she won't let them in. It's a fundamental difference in how they approach life; and both are forceful about their insistence on doing things their own way.

Scully is used to being everyone's source of strength (Maggie places her on a pedestal even above her brothers in Memento Mori), which hinders her from opening up or betraying her weakness. Being "the strong one" for so long turned into a fear of failing others; but this reticence has the opposite effect, ostracizing and distancing her family (and Mulder) in her struggles to keep them unaffected. Their divide grows as the years go on (though it seems an equilibrium of sorts has been reached after Emily, since she mentions them fondly in How the Ghosts Stole Christmas and indirectly in Millennium.)

Bill Is Right (in This Instance)

On its face, Bill's speech is unrelenting and out of left field... but is it, really?

Bill is told about his sister's cancer only when it has become irredeemably terminal. He arrives on land, either before or after Maggie's revelation, and finds the rest of the family ignorant and his mother having to shoulder that burden, alone, because his sister refused to let her tell anyone else the news-- meaning, Maggie has been suffering in silence the entire cancer arc, trying to abide by her daughter's terms for space and silence on the topic. However, Scully's definitive terminal diagnosis broke her; and Maggie, having no one to turn to support because Dana still refused to talk about it, finally confessed to her priest and reached out to her son for strength. Bill sees how hard this has been on her and tries to alleviate that burden by adopting his sister's methods: keeping Maggie in the dark as much as possible. It honors what he knows to be his sister's wishes and his mother's fears.

In this scene Bill is absolutely in the right. He and his sister, while not incredibly close, have no ill will between them; and he finds out that not only has she been slowly dying for months and sworn their mother to secrecy but she also still refused to tell him, even when he dropped everything to bail her and Maggie out with this act of kindness. This is wrong-- it is-- and his speech rebuking his sister is as deserved as Scully's are to Mulder whenever he acts only in stubborn self-interest.

Bill is hurt, Bill is grieved; and Bill drives that home, peeling back his sister's denial by exposing her true intent: "You think you can cure yourself." The ludicrous nature of her expectations-- cure incurable cancer and never tell a soul so she won't have to 'suffer' the shame or embarrassment of their sympathy or pity-- galls him; and he's right. It's Scully's struggle and her burden; but it's not just her struggle or burden: her family and loved ones are losing her, too, and that pain is just as powerfully frightening. Bill wants more from her than an immovable pillar of strength-- and that's a good thing. Maggie needed her to be "the strong one", and Mulder needed her to keep fighting; but Bill just wanted his sister to tell him the truth and let him in.

A last note: Bill grew up with Dana-- he knows her propensity to get lost in father figures and demanding authorities. He probably sees Mulder as another Daniel Waterston or Jack Willis, an extension of her undisguised adoration for their late father. He's naturally protective (as we see in Redux II, though grossly misplaced) and thinks Scully is losing that stability in herself the more engrossed she becomes in her work (ex. Gethsemane-Redux II and A Christmas Carol.) These fears and concerns are expressed in overbearing finger-wagging and anger rather than communication, a (sadly) common affliction in a family growing a more distant with time and lives necessarily apart.

Scully Believed She Could Cure Herself

Since Memento Mori, Scully's modus operandi has been to avoid, avoid, avoid the topic of her cancer (and the death of her father, her abduction, etc.) The following cases rarely touched on her illness unless she had a concerning diagnosis or needed further treatment, i.e. Zero Sum and Elegy. Radiation was likely ruled out as ineffective since the skirmish with Dr. Scanlon (and was a drain of her valuable energy and health without any chance of helping, regardless); so, Scully probably opted for more obscure treatments, buying time while she and Mulder chipped away at their work.

In the back of her mind, she believed, truly, that she wouldn't die: that her cancer could be tucked away from her family and cured before Bill or the others ever found out. As we know, Maggie bore the brunt of her daughter's edict of silence alone, finally caving when the cancer reached Scully's bloodstream. When Bill waits for an explanation-- staring at his sister's defiance and stubbornness and pure conviction that she's fine and that the family shouldn't be worried about her at all-- he figures out her blind expectation and avoidance-bordering-on-denial and says, appalled: "You think you can cure yourself." Scully dips her head, exposed and embarrassed.

The beginning of Gethsemane proves Scully was still denial: "my dying wish" she professes on the one hand only to reject the priest and shake her head at Bill with the other. No, Scully did not expect to die alone without her family there. When Bill demands, "We have a responsibility-- not just to ourselves, but to the people in our lives", she parries, "Just because I don't bare my soul to you or to Father McCue or to God." Scully thought she was doing her duty by keeping her loved ones in her thoughts while carrying out her solitary battle. When Bill strips her of her further excuses-- "Who? To this guy Mulder?"-- it peels back her hyper-focused perspective, reminding Scully that it's not just her and Mulder fighting the world.

She did her family and Mulder and herself a disservice by pushing them all away to "protect them", as she realizes in Redux II: being "strong" stripped them of the ability to support each other and was damaging in the long run. In this, Bill is undeniably correct. However, where Bill is wrong is that he doesn't see that Scully believes in Mulder's ability to save her, that by following him she is doing what is best for herself.

Her partner's fervor and hope give her strength; and his inability to break under defeat keeps her fighting even in her darkest hours (and does end up saving her life.) Scully put such faith in Mulder and his abilities and his theories that she kept council only with herself (as much as possible) to keep him going, to keep the weight off his shoulders (and her mother's and her family's) so that they could move forward as a well-oiled machine, ready to snatch the cure whenever they got their hands on it. And Mulder did get his hands on it... and then it failed.

She's dying; but it's not until the cure fails that the dam breaks: everything Scully had been fearing comes rushing out of her. She gives in, crying to her mother about her crumbling lack of faith-- because the miracle cure didn't work, because her months of waiting and hoping in private were all for naught, because she's going to die and there's no possible way to escape. But it's also freeing: she can own her fear, hold onto her mother, clutch Mulder's hand, cry with the priest, finally lean into and start to heal from the weights she's been holding on her back, alone.

And she prays: death is near.

Scully Wanted to Please Bill, Too

As she told Ed Jerse in Never Again, "There are other fathers."

The ouroboros twirls on and on in her personal life, goading her to both make a stand for herself and to placate Bill's expected reactions. In this situation, she did deserve his anger; however, this dynamic continues to play out in Redux II and A Christmas Carol, separate circumstances that are outside Bill's scope of understanding or perspective. After each confrontation, her brother always backs off and begrudgingly acquiesces his sister's boundaries; but it's easy to see why he clings to his late father's behaviors-- viewing them as the only way his sister will confide in him-- and why Scully automatically responds to-- albeit with more guilt than openness-- and rejects his methods.

It's an aspect of their relationship that fell to the wayside as the series barreled onward; but there are hints of resignation on his part after the events of Emily unfolded the way they did (silent support in the courthouse and true remorse in the church.) Scully, however, is locked in grief and unwilling to open back up, yet. We're never shown on-screen what happens next; but he seems to have caused her no further problems in spite of her professional and personal scares in the future (including almost being burned alive, an unexpected trip to Antarctica, job demotion, and getting gut shot all within the span of a few months.) Perhaps he gave her up for loss, perhaps he stayed close but distant, perhaps he withdrew from the drama all together. We'll never know; and, ultimately, it's up to individual interpretation.

Conclusion

This scene sets up the hinge upon which the cancer arc (and any future Scully family drama) twists and turns.

I don't believe Bill is bad, or even malevolent: he, like any other person in a family strained with distance and death, doesn't seem to blame Scully entirely or for long; and only wishes to get through to her somehow. We saw him bully her as a child but we also saw him gift and teach her how to use a bb gun. Scully, meanwhile, balks at and softens over Bill's bluster and overstepping, always effectively putting him in his place after courteously listening to his opinion. We saw her yell and shove him as a child but we also saw her gleefully play alongside he and Charlie.

In conclusion: like all sibling relationships, there are headbutts and there are fights; but it seems, at least by their conversation here and succeeding ones in the future, that any hitch or bump in the road is smoothed over, ironed out, or fixed before it becomes permanent. Bill makes excellent points that Scully takes into consideration, changing her future dealings with Maggie and Bill and even Mulder (namely, her willingness to open up in Detour); and Bill, having said his peace, supports his sister in her decisions the rest of this arc and later in S5.

That we know about.

Thank you for reading~

Enjoy!

#txf #S4 #Gethsemane #cancer arc #Scully #Bill Scully Jr. #Maggie Scully #Mulder #Bill Scully Apologia #meta #xfiles #x-files #the x files #analysis

[foli-vora]

run to you: chapter five

marcus pike x f!reader

A/N: life is hectic atm but i'm so glad to finally get this out! i swear i'm gonna get around to replying to all of your lovely comments on chapter four. i really appreciate your love and support for this story and i'm forever thanking you, even if i don't get around to replying as quick as i want! so not a lot of marcus and reader in this chapter, like... at all lmao, but the storyline is now picking up and we can fasten our seatbelts for the turbulent ride ahead. enjoy, angels! x

Summary: Following on from ‘Traitor’ and 'You’re Somebody Else’. An unexpected visitor throws you right back into the life you thought you left behind. Working beside the man that put you behind bars is one thing, pretending like you never loved him is another.

Word count: just over 4.5k

Warnings: angst, swearing, the bestest golden retriever himbo bff, talk of crime and undercover operations, mentions of heartache, mentions of jail/being incarcerated, talk of murder/bodies, smutty flashback (18+ only), Patrick Jane, super brief blink-and-you-miss-it Lisbon appearance (poor marcus bb is not doing good rn lmao SUFFER BITCH), and the usual warning: bitter saltiness that only one man brings to life in us

main masterlist | series masterlist

This story will have explicit sexual scenes in the future so 18+ only.

He’s hovering.

At first, it’s almost easy to ignore—you think he’s just watching you paint with a small sense of curiosity and would move away once boredom finds him, but you’ve never been one for people looming over your shoulder for an extended period of time, and so the irritation quickly starts to seep in.

The hand holding the paintbrush drops, and you look expectantly at him while knocking your headphones off of one ear, “Can I help you, agent?”

Jacob leans on the table next to you and tears into the homemade sub in his hands, chewing loudly as a small smearing of mayonnaise gathers at the corner of his lips.

He gives a nod, mumbling around the mouthful of food, “Just makin’ sure you eat.”

You blink in surprise, glancing at the window, “It’s lunchtime already?”

“A bit past,” Jacob replies, moving away now that he has your attention and sits himself on a chair at the table, “but I didn’t want to let you go late without eating. Gotta keep up your energy, Monet—don’t want you running yourself into the ground.”

“Thanks,” you murmur softly, organising your little workstation and rolling your aching shoulders.

The break is surprisingly welcome. You didn’t even realise how long you’d been lost in your work until you stopped, and now the throb in your fingers is all you can focus on. You clench and unclench your hand as you walk to your bag and ready some lunch, careful of the hot food you retrieve from the microwave.

Jacob doesn’t look at you as you seat yourself opposite him, too engrossed in studying the painting hanging on the easel.

“You’re good at this,” Jacob notes, eyeing the almost completed piece waiting to be taken wherever by Marcus’ team, “how’d you get into this stuff? Art school?”

Appetite now gone, you shift in your seat, suddenly far too interested in pushing the rice into small mountains in your glass dish.

Breathe.

He doesn’t know.

“I uh… I actually did it for a living.”

“Oh? Nice.”

There’s no malice in his tone, no mistrust, just pure interest.

He doesn’t glare at you, or pull a face of suspicion. It doesn’t even occur to him that it may have all been under the table and illegal. You feel a little guilty, almost as if you’d been leading him to believe you weren’t a previously convicted criminal. It makes you want to own it, to just speak your truth and let him make his own judgement of your actions.

Maybe it would be best to do so, so he would know where he stands and how he should view you. You’re not a good person, and maybe he deserves to know that. He does deserve to know that. 

“It was… it wasn’t legal. That’s how I got caught up in Marcus’ radar,” you admit quietly, briefly letting your eyes meet his and watching the flicker of surprise flash across his features before dropping your gaze again, afraid to watch his warmth and friendliness disappear. 

“Oh.” 

Nothing is said for a few minutes.

You swear you can feel the seconds trickling by, your nerves picking up and heightening with every silent tick. The small bit of the lunch you’d packed last night and eaten starts to churn uncomfortably in your stomach, swirling with your growing anxiety and threatening to bubble up your throat.

You can’t look at him.

“How’d you get caught?”

“It was a whole thing. Apparently the FBI had been after them—us—for a while… I knew it was big, I wasn’t stupid, but I guess I just tried to ignore the other side of it all. The money was good, and it felt nice. Marcus went undercover—guess they wanted someone on the inside, and I just happened to fall in the trap.”

And fall into the trap you did. You fell good. One look into those warm brown eyes and your walls had crumbled. You still don’t understand how it all happened. If only you could go back and scream at your more naive self, tell her to just walk away and never look back.

God, had you truly been that lonely? To open up so quickly, so easily, with a complete stranger? Would things have played out differently if you had just been stronger and ignored the obvious attraction and turned a cheek to his advances? Would he have just moved on to somebody else for the sake of the case?

It makes you angry, and you don’t have a clue as to why. Maybe it’s because somewhere deep within you, beneath the bitterness and the hurt, you wanted to believe he actually did want you, and not just use you as a means to finish the investigation. You wanted to believe that a part of it, even just a slither of it, was real.

Stupid.

Of course it wasn’t real. None of it was.

Jacob nods in understanding, “So that’s why you hate Pike?”

Hate?

Is that what you feel for him?

The angry side of you says yes. Yes, you hate him and everything he fucking stands for, and that you’d feel this way forever… but it doesn’t sit right, feel right. Maybe you don’t. Maybe hate isn’t what it is. Resentment? Disappointment, perhaps? 

“I don’t hate him,” you sigh quietly, giving up on lunch and pushing it away from you, “not… not really. I mean, I did. For months I wished all sorts of horrible shit to happen to him, but I… I don’t know. I guess I just accepted it for what it was after a while. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like him—at all—but I just want to forget it all happened and move on. I want my fresh start, you know? It’s hard seeing him, being around him again, after all the heartbreak.”

“Wait,” Jacob frowns, holding a hand out to stop you from speaking any more, “when you say you ‘fell into the trap’, does that… were you guys a thing? While he was undercover? Was it serious?”

“It was to me,” you admit with a murmur, “even had me picking out a damn wedding dress.”

The laugh that you force from your lips is strained and void of any true humour.

If anything, it’s an attempt to steer the direction of the conversation from diving any deeper into the overwhelming feelings you had for a man that had never existed. It’s humiliating to even think about. Maybe if you laugh about it, the sting of it all won’t hurt as much.

“Oh well,” you breathe, straightening in your seat and twisting your lips to resemble a faint smile, “it’s all in the past. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

Jacob watches you play with your food with a look you can’t quite identify. You don’t want to risk looking at him too much, afraid that he’ll see the clear pain swirling in your eyes. The damage has probably already been done. He’s seen it all, and probably more. He’s a Federal Agent—their job relies on reading people on a daily basis. 

“Hey,” he mutters, giving you a small comforting smile when you eventually pull your gaze away from the table to look at him, “for what it's worth, I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how you must’ve felt. It must’ve been really tough, and I’m sorry you had to go through that alone.”

Your features twist into a frown, “Who said I was alone through it?”

He watches you knowingly for a moment, his brows raising ever so slightly as his small smile turns a little sadder, sympathetic. He’s right, and he knows it. You had been alone. It’d been the most alone you’d ever felt, and you’ll spend the rest of your life hoping to never feel that way again. 

Swallowing the growing lump in your throat, you give a small shrug and drop your fork with a quiet clatter, “I deserved it.”

“No, you didn’t. Yeah, you’ve made some pretty shit decisions in the past—I’m not debating that, but I like to think of myself as a good judge of character. You’re not a bad person, not like the ones we’re used to.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yeah, I do.”

There’s nothing but sincerity in his tone. You watch him for a few minutes, eyes darting between his bright green ones and searching for anything that gives you a small feeling of doubt that his words are nothing but a lie.

You find nothing.

A true smile starts to grow along your lips and you dip your head, unable to keep meeting his genuine gaze without feeling the sting of tears in your eyes.

 “Thank you, Jacob. I appreciate that.”

“You’re welcome, Kahlo.”

It’s quiet, and you feel like you can bear the sight of food again.

Your shoulders feel lighter, the ache in your chest has dissipated. It’s freeing. You hadn’t yet been able to speak on what had happened without someone focusing on the crime part.

The inmates you had bunked with, the counsellors in jail, the people hiring you once you got out… they all had that pre-judgement of you. The title of criminal followed you throughout every interaction, but not here, not with him.

You pick up your fork and start picking at your food, a small smile playing at the corners of your lips. The slice of Jacob’s sudden huff cuts through the air, and he throws his almost eaten sub onto the table before crossing his arms in obvious irritation.

“God, what a fuckin’ dick.”

—

Heat—it’s everywhere.

It sticks to your skin, it swells in the pit of your stomach, it builds and builds over your flesh with every deep roll of his body over yours. It should be too much, too overwhelming, but your nails still dig into the soft skin of his back in a silent cry for more.

Just when you think he can’t possibly get any closer, he does. He pushes—crushes—you into the mattress, hands cradling the back of your head in an effort to keep you as close as possible. So close, so fucking close, you’re practically breathing in the other, with no room left for oxygen between you and it’s absolute bliss.

He’s breathless against the skin of your throat, nothing but soft whimpers and the hush of sharp exhales filling your ears. Lips press wherever they can reach, trailing paths of fire along your cheeks and the length of your neck until you squirm from the sensation, fighting both the urge to hide from his tender touch and stretch out for more. 

“A-Alex,” you breathe, face turning enough to trace the tip of your nose along the shell of his ear.

He exhales sharply, hips faltering ever so slightly. His face briefly falls away from breathing in your skin, dipping his head and hiding his features. Despite the unexpected jolt in his rhythm, he still moves, still rolls his hips in that way he’s fucking mastered, ensuring every upwards roll of his hips has that delicious bit of friction along your clit.

It’s maddening.

It’s perfection.

The ecstasy rolling through your body hits an all time high, and your thighs tighten around his hips, coaxing him to brush harder, push deeper into the wet heat of your pussy until you start to feel that sweet, sweet edge start to creep along the edge of your nerves.

More, more, more—

“Ale–”

He suddenly rears forward, moulding his lips to yours and stealing the very breath from your lungs. It’s always the same. The kiss is urgent, all teeth and tongue and it’s impossible to speak another word. You struggle to keep up with his intensity, too busy focusing on that overwhelming high and the tightening that threatens to give at any second now. 

It’s good—it’s so fucking good, you swear you’re going crazy. He does that to you. Though you can’t say it, breathe it, his name is all you hear in your mind, its own soft echo a consistent companion to the sheer pleasure he drowns you in.

Alex, Alex, Alex.

—

It’s been a month.

A month in your new little workspace, a month of painting, a month of successfully avoiding him. Despite it being his investigation, he now keeps his distance from the makeshift art space he had given you. Maybe he finally got the message that you didn’t want to be around him, that the mere thought of even uttering a single word to him made you feel almost nauseous.

You haven’t seen him in weeks. 

When you finish a piece, he sends his agents. You know a few by name now, but don’t bother with small talk. They come, give you a friendly hello, take the finished, wrapped painting and leave—that’s it.

That’s all it is.

You don’t have to do anything else, and it’s wonderful. You spend your days painting, relishing in the familiar feel of a brush between your fingers and enjoying the legal money deposited into your account every week.

You get ahead with bills. You buy some new clothes. You feel refreshed, finding a certain needed peace from the sudden financial stability. You know it’s not going to last—Jacob doesn’t talk about the case a whole lot, but you know that the team has made some progress with it, so you put a little money aside for the day the FBI no longer needs you.

He becomes a fast friend, and if you were ever to find it within you to thank Marcus for anything in this world, it would be him. You surely would’ve gone batshit insane if you’d been holed up in that room by yourself day in and day out, probably worse if you had been locked up with Marcus every day.

But not Jacob.

Jacob keeps the air light.

He’s kind, funny, and a bit of an idiot, and you find yourself fondly laughing nearly every day at the little things he would do or say. You thoroughly enjoy his company, and love hearing about his time in school, training to be an agent and the few cases he’s worked on so far.

He asks you questions and seems genuinely interested in getting to know you and of you past, never once making you feel lesser than or lowly for your less than ideal life before this. 

“You made a decision, Matisse. Good or bad—own it.”

He keeps to himself whenever you find yourself focused on your work, and only steps in to remind you to take care of yourself. On the odd occasion, he’d join you, content to watch you work with a shine of interest.

You don’t like it, so you shove canvas paper and oil pastels at him to keep him from hovering any longer and it works. It becomes a little activity of sorts, a release for him whenever paperwork starts to push at his patience a little too much. 

“They should’ve hired you for this case,” you mumble teasingly around your lunch, grinning at the pride filling his features as he finishes his latest project—his own creation inspired by the Van Gogh you’re currently working on.

It’s pretty, full of bright colours and soft swirling patterns. The Future, he had called it, and apparently—it was all for you.

You need something colourful, Da Vinci, something happy. You’re too sad. 

The FBI doesn’t deserve him.

“Hey, I’m proud of this,” he retorts sharply, pointing a finger smudged with colour at you but his tone doesn’t match the bright amusement in his eyes, “belongs in a damn museum. It’s an original Wilson—people will flock to see it. You just wait, Michaelangelo, this will bring a lot of money down the track, mark my words.”

Your chuckle is cut off by the insistent buzz in his pocket, and he stands immediately, answering the call with a swift Wilson and stepping away from the table with his phone pressed to his ear.

It’s Marcus... you know just by the way he positions himself, ensuring to keep a bit of distance and turning away so you don't have to potentially hear his voice from the other end. You quickly lose interest in the conversation, focusing back on the open book you’ve been trying—and failing—to get into the last few days.

The interest in the conversation was lost, until you hear it.

“Understood, sir. We’ll leave now.”

Immediately looking up in question, your brows start to furrow as Jacob wraps up the phone call and strides back to the table quietly. Anxiety begins to build in the pit of your stomach at the sudden serious set of his features, unused to seeing the usually bright and bubbly face now so stoic. It’s Agent Wilson, not Jacob. 

“We’re leaving?” you ask in confusion, “but I haven’t even done—”

The frown between his thick brows deepens, and he barely looks at you while he shrugs his navy blue suit jacket on, leaving faint smudges of orange and pink on the lapels.

“Leave it, we need to get to the office.”

The anxiety immediately gives way to dread.

The office? Where Marcus and his team are? Why?

You want to ask if you can stay behind—straight up refuse to go anywhere near that damn building—but the firm set of Jacob’s lips lets you know it’s non-negotiable.

He helps you with your bag, a certain urgency to his movements, and then you’re descending the stairs with him hot on your tail. He ushers you into the car, throwing a wary glance each way down the street before moving around the vehicle and sliding into his seat.

You swear you can feel your heart beating in your throat. He’s clearly in a rush, but you’re at a loss as to why. Has something happened? Is there danger? Are you in danger?

With your mind beginning to hurl possibilities at you, you start to feel more and more nauseous with every swift swerve through traffic Jacob makes.

“Is everything okay?” You ask carefully, fingers fiddling with the straps of your bag as you try to calm the rage of your heart. 

He briefly looks away from the traffic and gives you a small reassuring smile, “Of course. There’s just been a big development and I’m needed back at the office for a debriefing, sorry for the rushing.”

“Oh,” you breathe in relief, “okay, I understand. Well, you can drop me home if that’s easier for you.”

“It’s an urgent thing and uh… Pike would like you at the office.”

Your lips press shut and an immediate frown overcomes your expression.

Of course.

If there had been developments in the case, why did you need to be there? It’s not like you're an agent with unlimited access to the available information. Your own folder Marcus had given you was severely lacking any true details of the case beyond what you needed to know, and it’s not like you were involved in anything anymore, so you had very little to contribute further than your creative talents.

You keep quiet for the rest of the quick trip, taking the hint that now is not the time for small talk. The need to chat is nonexistent to you right now anyway, even if Jacob happened to be in a perkier mood. The mere thought of seeing, and talking to, Marcus again does nothing to ease the dread churning in the pit of your gut. 

The building is not a welcome sight, yet you hurry to follow Jacob from the brightly lit parking lot and into the home of the FBI. He stays beside you the whole way, through the wide crowded corridors and during the silence of the elevator, giving you one final reassuring smile before he pushes open the door to the Art Crime Department.

It’s busy. 

Marcus doesn’t suddenly appear from nowhere and bombard you both at the entrance. You can take a deep breath. The shrill ringing of phones fill the space, and the shuffle of agents near running about with various files and pieces of paper takes you a little off guard.

There’s an uncomfortable tension hanging in the air. You can’t quite put your finger on why it unsettles you so.

You follow Jacob further into the chaos, ensuring to keep out of the way and keeping an eye out for the one man you seem to now be bracing for, steeling your nerves into something harder, something unbreakable. You don’t need to wait long—there he is.

He looks tired.

Marcus appears from a room, presumably his own personal office, raking a hand through his mussed hair and saying a few brief words to a coworker before his eyes zero in on Jacob. He points to the conference room where you’d once sat at the beginning of this, already heading that way with another agent, and Jacob gives a short nod in response.

You try to blend into the background behind Jacob so Marcus doesn’t take much notice of you, but it’s not even a moment later and his eyes are suddenly meeting yours. The feeling of his attention is instant, and the increase of your heart is familiar by now.

Despite the distance between you, you feel how they roam over your face, seemingly searching your expression, but it’s not long until they fall away and you’re left to exhale quietly, now free from his gaze. 

He disappears into the conference room, and you swallow down the thick feeling of anxiety building in the back of your throat. He doesn’t seem eager, or interested, in talking to you straight away, and you’re relieved by that—you could mentally and emotionally prepare yourself a little more.

“My desk is over there if you want to sit down,” Jacob offers, turning and walking backwards in order to point you in the right direction, “and I’ve got snacks in the bottom drawer.”

Rolling your eyes, you give a strained huff of amusement and start walking towards it, “Of course you do.”

Your shoulder catches the frame of someone else and you quickly take a step back, wide eyes locking with a pair of vaguely amused blue ones.

He’s dressed sharply, much different to the basic suits the agents around him wear, in a well kept grey toned three piece suit with the simple white collar of his shirt popped open at the base of his throat. His soft blond curls are styled neatly back, and the gentle scent of tea wafts from the cup in his hold.

He’s pretty, by society’s standards, but his eyes are sharp, as if they can see right into the very centre of you.

You don’t like it.

“I’m sorry, sir,” you mumble, “I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

You don’t linger to hear what the agent has to say. You hurry into Jacob’s desk space and throw your bag under it before taking a seat in the simple desk chair, the backrest squeaking as you rest into it.

His desk is as you expected it to look—messy, but organised in his own little chaotic way. The edges of his computer screen are littered with sticky notes of reminders, his ballpoint pens are all missing their lids, he has a bobble head character of a sports player next to his keyboard and a crumpled paper plane lies hidden beneath a thick notebook.

It’s undoubtedly Jacob, end to end.

The wide variety of sweets and chips resting on old files doesn’t surprise you at all when you tug at the stiff drawer, and you immediately zero in on the ones he’s been sharing with you over the past few weeks.

“Jane, stay out of trouble,” a brunette orders sharply as she passes, briefly catching your attention and the man you had previously bumped into comes to a stop just beside you.

“Aye aye, Captain,” he replies dryly with the growings of a smirk, sipping quietly at the tea in his hands and watching the last few agents file into the conference room before the door closes.

Do people still use saucers? He does. He half turns towards you and eyes you curiously as you sway absent-mindedly in Jacob’s desk chair, breaking into the packet of sour candies.

“You’re not an agent.”

You blink up at him and give a small, polite smile, “No, I’m not.”

He makes a low noise of thought to himself and sits on the edge of the desk opposite to Jacob’s, watching you over the rim of the plain white cup he lifts to his lips.

You shift a little under his study, busying yourself with picking a lemon flavoured candy out from the packet and looking over the various little notes decorating the dated computer screen.

Meeting @ 10 Tues. Picasso retrieval daily @ 8. Get bread. Call ma before she has a damn heart attack—

“How long have you been an artist?”

Eyes rolling back to the stranger, you give a slightly confused, “What? How do you know I’m an artist?”

“You have paint on your fingers,” he replies, like it’s the most obvious thing in the room.

Rubbing your fingers together, you feel the tell tale crack of dried paint over your skin and glance down at it in vague interest. He’s got a really good set of eyes. You shift a little in the seat and pinch the ends of your sleeves before pulling them down further over your hands to hide them from him.

“A few years,” you reply vaguely, “you’re rather observant, Agent Jane.”

It comes across more as an accusation rather than a general statement, and it doesn’t seem to bother him in the slightest. He grins, flashing a nice set of pearly white teeth. 

“Patrick,” he supplies, “and I’m a consultant.”

“Didn’t even know that was a thing,” you mutter plainly, not liking the way you feel like a fucking open book with this stranger, “well, shouldn’t you be in there, then?”

You nod towards the closed door of the conference room and Patrick makes a low noise of dismissal, a slight scrunch curling his nose.

“I already know everything about the murders—Lisbon can handle it.”

The word cuts through the air and chills you right to the bone. 

“Murders? What murders?”

Patrick looks at you, shrugging lightly.

“That’s why we’re here. The fancy little tracker led this bunch down to the meeting point in California, but we found the bodies first. Deal gone wrong, I’m guessing. The buyer probably found the painting to be a fake, and got rid of the delivery men because of it. Very messy.”

Your stomach turns.

The painting? Your painting? 

“What was wrong with the piece?” You ask quietly, voice suddenly strained.

“Not sure,” Patrick murmurs, taking an apparent interest in the way you’re reacting to his information and studying you from over his tea, “guess we’ll know soon enough.”

You swallow, a sting of sweat building along the back of your neck. They knew it was a replica? How? You must’ve done something different, there must’ve been something wrong with it. Otherwise how else would they know? They wouldn’t.

Have you made a mistake?

Is that why Marcus wanted you here? Are you in trouble? What would be the ramifications of your mistake? After all, it’s your fault. People had died because you didn’t focus hard enough on your work. The FBI have probably realised how useless you are if you can’t even convince some shady black market dealers that your pieces are real. 

You must’ve been distracted. You never made mistakes, and now you’ve made one that cost lives. How many? It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that it happened, and now you have to live with that knowledge.

People have died. People have died because of you. 

You fucked up. 

-

tags: @maievdenoir, @javier-pena, @lv7867, @dihra-vesa, @katronautt, @radiowallet, @januarystears, @missminkylove, @beskarprincessjenny, @mswarriorbabe80, @danidrabbles, @amneris21, @eri16, @absurdthirst, @hnt-escape, @acourtofsnakes, @ezrasbirdie, @mstgsmy66, @lovesbiggerthanpride, @coaaster, @sherala007, @greeneyedblondie44, @wyn-n-tonic, @you-got-me-starry-eyed, @shirks-all-responsibilities, @withasideofmeg, @harriedandharassed, @andruxx, @buckybarneshairpullingkink, @spideysimpossiblegirl, @prostitute-robot-from-the-future, @tanzthompson, @mad-girl-without-a-box, @hope-for-the-best-98, @fangirl-316, @christina-loves, @jediknight122, @hallway5, @xoxabs88xox, @nicolethered, @churchill356, @massivecolorspygiant, @just-here-for-the-moment, @gracie7209, @pinkie289, @lavenderluna10, @goodgriefitsawildworld

#marcus pike x reader #marcus pike x f!reader #marcus pike x you #marcus pike #pedro pascal x reader #the mentalist fic #run to you

[yuurei20]

Translation from Twisted Wonderland the 2nd novel: Leona and the Housewarden Meeting

"‘Remember. What was it like two years ago? Last year? How did it feel to be used as a stepping stone to showcase the power of Lord Malleus Draconia? And you’re fine with letting him quit while he’s ahead? At this rate, we’ll be forever labeled as the herbivores that trembled and fled before Malleus.’

Leona’s words resonate with their hearts, with their minds. That unbearable humiliation resurfaces within the chests of all who hear him.

When Malleus had beat them all, he had faced the television cameras with a tilt of his head but no particular joy, as though to say, ‘Is that all?’

Riddle and the others had watched with bitterness, and a slight sense of fear.

No amount of talent could prevail before him, and he had not allowed even one person the slightest opportunity to show what they could do. How they had been on the ground, helpless before the storm of Malleus’ magical power had been etched into the memories of people worldwide.

It is impossible to count how many times they grit their teeth in response to hearing, yet again, how even students from the prestigious Night Raven College cannot compete against natural-born talent.

This cannot go on.

Of course they all want to prove themselves to the world. But what is there for them to even do against that storm of a man?

Looking at the perplexed faces around him, Leona raises his chin with an exaggerated shrug of his shoulders, spreading his hands out before him. ‘He cannot be beaten through brute force. But what about up here?’ Leona’s voice strengthens. ‘The most important thing in Spelldrive is not strength. It’s smarts. Wring out that intellect of yours and think. Figure out how to bring Malleus down!’

‘Bring down Malleus-senpai?’ Riddle murmurs, and Leona responds with a nod.

‘What’s the point of giving up when there is still a chance? Of course it’s not going to be easy, but that’s exactly why the team that beats that monster will be praised, worldwide.’ Leona’s tone fills with pleasure. ‘Diasomnia has become complacent. Now is our chance. It is risky, but the rewards will be all the sweeter for it.’

His confident voice seems to dispel the doubts of all who hear it. Beating Malleus will be difficult. They all know it. There is no reason why winning against one of the top mages in the world should be easy.

But when Leona speaks, he stirs alive the feeling that they must at least try to beat Malleus. It is as though he is showing them a brighter future.

‘To suffer defeat at the hands of the very humans he has always looked down on—for Malleus, it would be the ultimate humiliation. How about it? Just picturing it in your mind is enough to raise your spirits. The sight of the high and mighty Malleus’ crestfallen face broadcast for all the world to see. And not by someone else—with our own hands!’

The housewardens exchange glances. Then, they nod.

'Even Leona makes a good point now and then. I believe the Headmage’s proposal is pure nonsense,’ agrees Pomefiore’s housewarden with a defiant smile. With such pride in his own beauty, he cannot possibly stand idly by after such a disgrace.

In contrast, Scarabia’s housewarden laughs aloud without a hint of malice. ‘I agree!,’ he declares with vigor, raising his hand into the air. ‘It wouldn’t be good to exclude Malleus. This kind of competition is for everyone to enjoy together, after all!’

‘Yes. A wonderful suggestion by Leona-san.’ Azul rests a hand upon his chest, as though deeply moved. But there is a shrewd glint within his eyes, behind his glasses. ‘A broadcast of Malleus's defeat would attract quite a considerable viewership. It would be widespread news, with immeasurable influence.’”

Scene continues here! ↓

#twstnovel2 #twisted wonderland #Leona Kingscholar

[kaymarie-bell]

TWST Book 7 Chapter 6 spoilers and reactions ahead

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You know, through all the updates people have been wondering "where is OB Malleus? is he seeing the dream too? why is he not interfering despite our group being 'awake'? does he even know about all of this?" it might seem crazy what I'm about to say-

This update started with a banger giving us Baul knighting Sebek and giving him an armor that's just like his after fighting off the Silver Owls together

Btw I'm currently on a mission of stealing all the gel in NRC to keep Sebek from putting his hair up again. If you care.

Silver carrying an injured Lilia on his back while Yuu and Grim look after the egg instead of leaving him behind like he asked. I'm ok I'm ok.

Sebek got to show off his UM training. I'm so proud of him 🥹

They killed my hot wife.

Fighting as Meleanor vs The Knight of Dawn felt so sick and twisted knowing what the outcome was.

FUCK THE SENATE. TF YOU MEAN "Filthy bat" "Don't touch Malleus" "get out of the capital and don't show up here again" I'm genuinely upset, what the fuck leave Lilia alone 😭

Maleficia's magic was not helping with hatching the egg, and touch and love is more effective so of course the responsibility falls on Lilia. Huh, who would've thought-

Lilia and the egg communicating. Did y'all see that. Is anyone else being totally normal about it.

Meleanor knew what she was doing when she left her child to Lilia.

Also what do you mean his own grandmother couldn't provide him the love he needed to hatch? 👀

Lilia's numerous travels around the world were all to find something to help hatch the egg. And he got discriminated against by both humans and fae everywhere oh I'm so sick-

Egg!Malleus feeling lonely even before hatching. Lilia being the only one who hears him crying. Lilia running to him despite it being dangerous. 😭

HE DISCOVERED HIS SIGNATURE SPELL WHILE SEARCHING FOR A WAY TO HATCH THE EGG. THE SPELL THAT BEST REFLECTS THE ESSENCE OF HIS SOUL IS THE ONE HE USES FOR BOTH MALLEUS AND SILVER. Shaped like a father fr.

Oh so the egg seems to gain strength only whenever Lilia shows up around it? What a coincidence I wonder what could this mean

Lilia's VA did a phenomenal job. I started ugly crying too. The 200 years were worth it to Lilia 😭😭😭

*Silver voice* I'm sure we were all wondering, "if these dreams are supposed to be happy then why have we seen nothing but pain and suffering so far?" well, it turns out Malleus being born is his happiest moment in life.

not a single thought behind that baby's eyes (he's 1 minute old)

Leona was right he sure *is* a lizard

not the senate suddenly praising Lilia as a hero 😒 I haven't forgotten what y'all said earlier.

Oh shit OB!Malleus is back. I got so caught up in the euphoria of seeing Malleus' birth that for a moment I forgot about overblots.

Malleus has his mom's looks and his dad's voice according to general Lilia

OB!Malleus is absolutely pissed at his grandma and the senate. Good for him.

Malleus offering Lilia a dream where Meleanor and Levan are alive...

If anyone is wondering "how are we supposed to win a battle against OB!Malleus?" the answer is: you don't. We only survive 😔 (for now ig)

Silver is able to secure the entire group in his arms. So normal about it haha.

SON IS BACK.

IDIA IS AWAKE LET'S GO GAMERS LMAO

we have reached 100 chapters. I can't wait to see what Idia's victory strategy is going to be

#twisted wonderland #twst #twst diasomnia chapter #diasomnia spoilers #twst jp #Malleus needing love to hatch and the only person who could provide it not being allowed to because of difference in status...I'm so sick #I can see next update being the last for this chapter #I got so happy when I saw the Shrouds I'M HYPED #imagine Idia shows up in full mecha suit next chapter #not even going to think about how he was able to wake up from his RSA Ortho dream #kay shouts into the void

[venuslovesmascs]

Pick A Pile : Tarot Reading - Message From Spirit Guides

pile one:

someone is currently working on a creative / academic project - perhaps going back to school! spirit is encouraging you to continue planning and putting work into this! It will bring you the abundance you have been praying for!

"Now Amotenia doesn't create actual love - that would be impossible - but it does create powerful infatuation or obsession, and for that reason it is probably the most dangerous potion in this room" - Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince

you may be doubting yourself because this project does not feel "of service to humanity" in the way you want it to

do not doubt the ways of the universe - and your soul path / soul journey. This thing you create - can inspire others to create, change a person's life, and change the world in your own little way.

plus - you can create another important soul project afterwards! this one feels really important don't give it up - allow yourself to have fun while creating - allow yourself to do "small projects" - not everything you do has to save the world!!

this little project - committing to it - may help you with committing to big projects in the long-run - give yourself the satisfaction of seeing something all the way through - of finishing something!!

pile two:

someone is getting out of a very stuck energy - they may have been struggling with depression and nightmares - and this caused them to not provide and take care of their partner / others as they would like.

you are making bold strokes and big changes - and spirit is really proud of you even if those around you can not tell yet!! you are beginning a whole new cycle and soul journey - this is only the beginning to your new path of enlightenment and fulfillment.

sometimes we need to go through really dark times - to remember what truly lights us up inside - and the things that "light us up" inside - and building our life styles / foundations off of that - is what leads to more long-term fulfillment and reduces burnout

you may have gotten off your feet because you were giving too much to a person - especially a love interest - and

you are starting to save yourself instead! I am proud of you!

sometimes the best way out of a situation is to accept your friends help. there are people who would love to give you emotional support at this time!! maybe even physical support - help cleaning your room - don't be afraid to ask friends - that's what they are for!! you do so much for them - they WANT to give back to you - being hyper-independent is not always "less of a burden" on other people - sometimes your friends want to care for and love you - the true friends in your life WILL feel guilty when they can't care for you back!

things would not have been different - if you made the other choice. time to look ahead on the path from now on - or at least acknowledge that looking backwards is only hurting you. try to stay more present.

pile three:

how do you deal with providing comfort and support to someone who is dealing with grief and loss?

perhaps a loss of a relationship - a pet - due so someones declining mental health.

someone just needs companionship and support - its okay to not have all the answers and to not be able to fix all of someone's problems. we are all suffering in our own ways. sometimes all we can ask is to be less alone and have a hand to hold.

do not let fear hold you back from connecting with someone new - and do not be afraid of your inner-darkness - a lot of your "inner-darkness" - may be undiscovered psychic abilities - connecting to mystics and doing deity work may be beneficial to you at this time

a sacrifice may have been needed to get yourself back on track and in a better vibration - it was not easy to let go of - the universe will soon reward you for this - this period of darkness will pass.

pile four:

someone wants an ending here - of a relationship, a career, etc. they may need to get more advice from friends.

wondering if the person they are seeing - has a partner?

this is a good time to ask friends for help - and not to go this journey alone - and question if knowing the answer is truly beneficial to you or not - would having a definitive answer make the situation any better or worse? would anything change?

something about this persons reputation - or your reputation - could be on the line- and this person may unfortunately have their own "side of the story" - maybe the relationship is very toxic / ab**sive- and you will ruin this persons reputation by calling them out for being a "cheater" - think of who they were when you two were together - trust your intuition of their CHARACTER - not of the SITUATION

maybe they made some mistakes in their personal and dating life - but it seems they never intended to hurt you - or for you to develop feelings - and they may not deserve to have their reputation ruined

this is a time to show forgiveness to this person - and not try to fully understand the situation.

this was NOT a lesson or test for you - not everything is about your path lol - this is about this persons path - you showed them your heart and healed them a lot - do not betray them - it may detour their path as well - you were brought into their life to show them the path of love and light - find contentment that you are an important person on this person's journey and will always be a good story for them to tell.

#pick a card #tarot #pick a card reading #tarot reading #witchcore #oracle reading #tarotoftheday #divination #psychic readings #tarot witch #tarotdaily #tarottribe

[typellblog]

Kizumonogatari - An Analysis

You could consider Bakemonogatari as a template of sorts for what a Monogatari arc ‘should’ look like. 

There’s Koyomi, our protagonist, and then there’s a girl, and the problem faced by her in the form of an oddity. There’s Koyomi’s fumbling attempts to help her, contrasted by Oshino Meme’s actually useful advice. Oddities appear for a reason. She’s not a victim, not exactly. Koyomi always figures it out a little too late, and in the end all he can do is watch as she just goes ahead and saves herself. 

Nonetheless, his presence is key. He’s the one who reaches out, who actually makes the attempt to help. Oshino would never solve such problems of his own volition, not when the situation is so neatly balanced with oddities that act according to their functions and people who conjured them out of their own wishes. Koyomi is the one that recognises people’s desire to be saved, even if they try to push him away at first. 

There are some quirks to this within the Bake arcs themselves, but when you line up Kizu next to them, the way it transforms this fundamental formula is like night and day.

Koyomi Vamp

For one thing, this time the one that encounters an oddity is Koyomi himself.

The encounter itself was random, but as Koyomi puts it, the following events were only made possible because it was him. There aren’t many humans that would give up their lives for a dying vampire.

He’s motivated, in part, by a sense of worthlessness. His own life is that little of a thing. He thinks he’s ruined it already, and hopes to do better in his next reincarnation. But the way he puts it is interesting. He’ll be someone glib, who dances around relationships, who doesn’t feel guilt, who doesn’t worry about things, who insists on getting his way and blames his problems on other people.

We see a contrast being developed between being a ‘good’ person and a happy one. To Koyomi his conscience, his attentiveness to others, his overthinking are all burdens. They’re the reason why he can’t easily form relationships.

Making friends would ‘lower his intensity as a human’. If having friends allows one to share in their happiness, he points out that we must also share in their unhappiness, take their suffering upon oneself in some way or another. Anything less would be shallow – at least to Koyomi, whose loner attitude conceals a shocking ability to dedicate himself to others.

This contradiction drives him to suicide.

It is, functionally speaking, suicide. He doesn’t express any suicidal ideation before meeting Kiss-Shot, things aren’t so bad for him that he’s actively considering ending it, but nonetheless when put in a situation that allows him to give up his life, he does so.

This is really what is being referred to when he calls it a ‘hellish’ summer break. Just purely looking at the events that took place, one might question whether it really deserves that title, especially compared to some of the experiences we see him go through in Bake. After all, he’s not in much real danger for most of it. The vampire hunters are scary, but not the most difficult opponents.

No, where the summer break of Kizumonogatari really earns the moniker of a ‘hell’ is in how Koyomi is so thoroughly isolated from humanity. Vampires walk at night, they exist within a different world, they aren’t treated as human, their very presence is a danger to humans, and into that situation is thrust Koyomi Araragi, who is already so hopeless about his ability to interact with others that he freely offered up all the blood in his body.Traditionally, though,  the question that vampirism asks about this situation is how do you feel about it? Isn’t it great not having to worry about stuff like that anymore? Being isolated from humanity is also a freedom from responsibility, restriction, limitation – as represented by the vampire’s supernatural abilities. But from beginning to end, Koyomi desires none of this. His goal of returning to being human doesn’t change.

Iron-blooded, hot-blooded, yet cold-blooded

This is where the three vampire hunters are interesting.

A sentence I never expected to type going into this, honestly.

Why, though? In theory they’re important antagonists to this arc. But as characters within the overall Monogatari series, they languish at the bottom of the faves tierlists.

No doubt being men doesn’t help. They’re not ‘arc characters’, their relationships with Koyomi never get developed in the same way those of female characters do. Men are reserved for antagonists almost entirely in this series, and if you’ll permit me to be a bit speculative I would argue that it’s because women represent an ‘other’ that he’s trying to connect to, while the men are alternative versions of himself.

Take Episode, for example. Like Koyomi, he’s trapped between two different worlds. He resents both humans and vampires, and that emotion is what motivates him to hunt. He’s hot-blooded, if you will. Hanekawa is hurt during their battle, and Koyomi’s emotional response almost brings him to the point of killing Episode.

On the other hand, we have Guillotine Cutter. Unlike the other two, he’s fully human. He’s also far more vicious and underhanded. Cold-blooded, if you will. To defeat him, Koyomi must become literally inhuman. Becoming a plant is something that he’s been thinking about for a while, long before he became a vampire. Koyomi wanted to become something inhuman, to be free from his social responsibilities, for a long time. But now that he’s a vampire it’s precisely his connections with people like Hanekawa that make him want to turn back. 

The progression where Koyomi becomes more vampire-like to defeat increasingly human opponents feels like it’s commenting on how the more vampiric he gets the more callous he becomes until you realise the exact opposite holds for the hunters.

Dramaturgy, the full-blooded vampire, is the most reasonable of the bunch. He offers a path forward for Koyomi, the opportunity to become like him. The fact that Koyomi turns him down regardless shows that this was never about how humane the opponent, nor how many parts vampire they were. ‘If you want to stay human, then you’re human,” Oshino says.  Iron blood flows in them all, and from the beginning to the end this was about nothing more than protecting Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heart-Under-Blade.

Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heart-Under-Blade

Koyomi says that Kiss-Shot is someone whose meaning changes based on the observer. To the vampire hunters, she is a monster that ought to be killed. To Koyomi, she is a victim that ought to be protected. To Oshino, she represents a disruption to the balance between humans and oddities. 

Probably the most important way in which Kiss-Shot's mercurial nature is demonstrated in Kizumonogatari is through the various physical forms she adopts, growing in apparent age as she regains her lost limbs.

It's easy to see her as a child, perhaps even in her adult form. She's whimsical, prone to sudden bursts of emotion. There's a lot of things she lacks experience in. Koyomi meeting her bleeding out on the street might have been the first time she ever feared for her life. It's explicitly stated that Koyomi giving up his life for her is the first time another person did something for her sake. And as a result her decision to spare his life and make him a thrall seems to be one of the few times she's ever cared for the life of another person. With that in mind, it’s not difficult to understand why Koyomi seeks to protect her. 

On the other hand, her disregard towards human life is not feigned. She asks Koyomi to come and give her his blood without really considering what his motivations might be for following such an order. Humans are essentially bugs to her - Meme's stealing of her heart is forgiven instantly. She doesn't hold a grudge, the only thing that matters is whether she has it back or not. Eating Guillotine Cutter was not a deliberate strategy to make Koyomi want to kill her, she simply did so as if it was the most natural thing in the world. With that in mind, it’s not difficult to understand why the vampire hunters seek to slay her. 

Kiss-Shot is in many ways set apart from the oddities of Bakemonogatari. They derive their existence from humans, appear when they’re called on. They exist for a reason, and in doing so form their own kind of uneasy balance with the afflicted person.  In comparison Kiss-Shot feels more real, affixed more firmly to the world, a character in her own right. With that in mind, it’s not difficult to understand why Oshino wants to balance her. 

In doing so, he forces her to latch on to Koyomi Araragi, to offer him a ‘solution’ for his problems in the same way as any other oddity, and to become dependent on him to achieve her goals.

Oshino successfully mediates between Koyomi, who wants to save her, and the vampire hunters, who want to kill her, through the simple fact that she herself has reached a perfect balancing point between these two goals. She wants Koyomi to rescue her from the vampire hunters so she can die on her own terms. 

I mentioned Koyomi's suicidality earlier, but this story is also driven by how it manifests for Kiss-Shot. She became bored. It's the most common killer of vampires. When she talks with Koyomi on the roof, she says she has nothing interesting to talk about. Her long life has simply consisted of running around and fighting vampire hunters. The fact she wants to talk to Koyomi at all is significant, here. Not about anything in particular. She just wants to chat to someone. 

For all the differences between them, Kiss-Shot, too, is driven to suicide by an inability to connect to those around her, even if she doesn't consciously recognise it as such.

With that in mind, it’s not difficult to understand why Koyomi forces her to live, at the very end.

Hanekawa Tsubasa

Last time, with Tsubasa Cat, one element of the openings that I didn't touch on was how they show Hanekawa in positions that seemed like she might be about to take her own life. High places, train tracks. I didn't bother bringing it up, because it was getting late and also it didn't really seem to feature outside the openings, but here in Kizu it becomes more apparent.

She says, directly, that she wouldn’t call someone a friend if she wasn’t ready to die for them. This is a lie, she's talking about Koyomi specifically, but at least in his case she does die for him, intervening in his fight with Episode and having her torso blown apart by his giant cross. She offers to let Koyomi drink her blood. She intervenes again when he's fighting Kiss-Shot, with seemingly little regard for her own life. Both Oshino and Koyomi can agree that it's honestly kinda creepy.

The motivations behind her behaviour can be distinguished from Koyomi and Kiss-Shot, but there is another similarity: lack of friends.

It's somewhat inconceivable, after spending so much time in Koyomi's perspective, given such an idealised picture of her, but it seems apparent that she struggles with a similar problem to his own. She might be on good terms with a lot of people, she certainly knows a lot of people, but how many of them really know her? There's a reason why she's always alone on her night-time walks. 

She says she wanted to meet a vampire. The idea of something beyond human, something that isn't limited in the same ways she is, is an exciting idea to her. According to Kuro, at least, it's a way of breaking her out of her ordinary everyday life.

The thing about Hanekawa, I am slowly beginning to grasp, is that just because she tries to act normal, that doesn’t mean she has normal reactions to things. Rather, she treats the situation she finds herself in as if its normal and acts accordingly, leading to lines such as ‘he only hit me once, it’s perfectly understandable’, or acceding to requests to see her panties with almost zero hesitation, or treating someone sucking your blood and killing you as a totally normal thing to let your friend do, even when she’s clearly motivated by some special consideration towards Koyomi.

It’s a facade that doesn’t just mask her true feelings, but twists them into something else. She says that she never lies, something which is obviously untrue, but in a sense she’s always convincing herself, on one level or another, that she genuinely believes the things she’s saying.

This interacts interestingly with the series’ approach to fanservice. So far it’s mostly been played straight - with Hachikuji it’s a gag, with Nadeko it feels gratuitous, and stuff like Hitagi undressing in front of Koyomi is just that - here’s her naked body, look at it if you want. There’s a reason why she does that, but it doesn’t really connect to any deeper themes, it’s just there.

With Hanekawa in Kizu it is again gratuitous, it is again used for comedy, it is again just there because Nisio just wanted to do it, but the way Hanekawa’s brain works adds an interesting level to it. She’s surprisingly unbothered by the first instance where the wind flips her skirt, going so far as to deliberately engage Koyomi in conversation afterwards.

By the time of the second main incident, we’ve developed the idea that Koyomi is ashamed by his lust for her. He tries to push her away on the grounds that he’s too dangerous to be friends with, and the bluffed request for her to show her panties again feels in line with this, somehow. He’s trying to prove to her that he isn’t really the sort of guy she should bother herself with. 

She nonetheless takes the request completely seriously. It’s not that she’s just that literal-minded, she clearly knows what’s going on in Koyomi’s head (better than he does, sometimes), this is just her general pattern of behaviour when responding to him. Rather than setting boundaries, she indicates that she doesn’t really have any. This successfully shocks him out of the idea that he actually presents a danger to her. When it comes down to it he’s not actually going to look at a girl’s panties after being so brazenly presented with them. He’s kind of a coward. 

Hanekawa, on the other hand, Koyomi considers cool, someone who can decide on a course of action and stick with it. She isn’t swayed by silly whims like he is. In one sense, it’s true, but it’s also a reflection of the way he idolizes her. Hanekawa herself states that it’s not self-sacrifice, but self-satisfaction. Her actions, in this novel, aren’t directed towards any particular sort of justice, a particular perspective on Kiss-Shot, like Koyomi, Oshino, and the vampire hunters are motivated by. She is more or less just trying to help Koyomi, to be liked by him, even if it requires her to do absolutely ridiculous things like let him grope her boobs. 

One line I want to emphasize from that scene is Hanekawa’s offhand remark that she was prepared to lose her virginity. It’s presented as a joke but I’m fairly sure she’s not lying! It doesn’t present a particular desire to have sex with Koyomi, just a sort of resignation to the fact that this is the inevitable consequence of letting him do whatever he wants with her. I’m not saying she’s not attracted to him at all - I mean, she does feel up his muscles a bit earlier - but her vision of how this relationship will progress seems to be entirely on Koyomi’s terms. Which proves to be a bit awkward for her when Hitagi enters the picture later, but I digress. 

Her reaction to Koyomi’s hilariously stupid reasoning for why he needs to cop a feel (so that he doesn’t get distracted by Kiss-Shot’s enormous breasts when fighting her) is that it was even stupider than she was expecting. Because she was expecting a stupid justification, and is preparing herself to accept it regardless!

He doesn’t end up going through with it, which is probably better for the both of them all things considered, but does once again establish Koyomi as a massive coward. 

In any case, I really think these fanservice scenes help establish Hanekawa as a character who is willing to objectify herself for the sake of approval from others. That’s not to say she’s easily influenced, but rather that the self-satisfaction that she’s chasing, the life she’s chosen, is one where she’s constantly required to sacrifice her self.

Self-sacrifice and self-satisfaction

Again, this contrast between being a good person and a ‘happy’ one. The hypothetical ‘truly’ self-sacrificing person would do so to satisfy the desires of others, not just their own.

What Koyomi did for Kiss-Shot may have been beautiful, he says, but it wasn’t right. He saw the situation in the way that was most convenient for him, only chose to help the person that looked like she needed saving and ignored the consequences to anyone else. 

As long as I was weak, Kiss-Shot says. As long as they’re weak, as long as they look like they’re suffering, Koyomi would save anyone. 

Like Hanekawa puts it, he just doesn’t like it when people die. Even though he wouldn’t mind that much if he did. 

Previously I've discussed how Hitagi's oddity led to, and in doing so came to represent, her isolation and inability to connect with others. Koyomi's vampirism does something similar. He talks a big game about how having friends might increase the burden on him, but isn't the thing he's most worried about here that he might become a burden on his friends, that they would give up too much for him, that his selfish, vampiric nature would influence him into draining them dry? 

Vampirism doesn’t represent a freedom from social connections, it makes you far more reliant on humans than you were already. Not in the sense of having a mutual relationship with them, but a one-way predator-prey dynamic. 

This is why Koyomi barely even considers Kiss-Shot responsible for her actions. It's only natural that she, as a vampire, would eat humans. It's necessary for her survival. She herself doesn't understand it to be evil, so the only one he can blame is himself for enabling her to do so. 

It's a dysfunctional relationship. He takes Kiss-Shot's burdens upon himself precisely because of his intensity as a human. She herself doesn't feel burdened by the deaths she causes at all. Because she's a vampire.

It's Hanekawa that saves him by saying that it would be running away from his responsibilities and that the only solution is for him to be the one to defeat Kiss-Shot. For him to die here would just be self-satisfaction, the sacrifice wouldn’t achieve anything. 

But look at how she approaches this.

She sees Koyomi's fear of becoming a danger to people around him and accepts it instantly. He can eat her, if he wants. It’s a similar thing to the fanservice scenes. Setting no boundaries, reminding Koyomi that he, in fact, isn’t that willing to hurt other people. 

Koyomi isn't put in the position of needing to understand Hanekawa, of desperately trying to connect with her. She's the one that insists on helping him. He's the one that tries to throw her off, act as though her kindness isn't needed.

To Koyomi, Hanekawa is the one doing an unwanted favour, one that he eventually realises is what saved his life. 

Because Koyomi, unlike the previous arcs, isn’t the one that has to help a person dealing with the oddity. The one dealing with the oddity is him. Hanekawa is the one who supports and reaches out to him. But she can’t solve the problem for him. She can’t make the decision.

In the end, all he can do is go ahead and save himself.

Kizumonogatari

Why do vampires even work like that, anyway? 

That thralls are made by default when sucking blood, and to avoid turning someone, the vampire can consume them entirely, makes sense. It allows for the drama of realising that Kiss-Shot deliberately kept Koyomi as a thrall. It also ensures that Kiss-Shot’s existence is, no way how you go about it, a crime. To feed she must kill, or else turn more people into vampires.

But the only way of turning back to a human - the way that Hanekawa could apparently find by looking it up in the library - is to feed from the one who turned you, and kill them. A symbolic act of defying their control. (In the same way that patting Kiss-Shot’s head is an important proof of subjugation?) 

Here, though, it’s presented as something that Kiss-Shot was planning to do to Koyomi, a technique of freeing one’s thrall that she gained the ability to use since her first died.

It all goes full circle. Being a vampire is about dying. For Koyomi, who was killed by Kiss-Shot to become one. For Kiss-Shot, who seeks to die in order to change him back. 

There’s a sense of balance to it. No doubt Oshino was pleased. Vampires are the Kings of Oddities, beings powerful enough that they don’t really have to follow the rules, but at the same time, they’re self-balancing. 90% of vampire deaths are by suicide. 

Oddities are, by nature, self-balancing. It’s why Oshino doesn’t go seeking them out of his own accord. Perhaps he can’t. He’s just an intermediary between here and there, after all. He has to be contacted by one side to start the process. There has to be some evidence of unhappiness, of a desire to change the situation. 

Koyomi is put in this position time and time again in Bakemonogatari, asking Oshino to intervene on the behalf of the people he encounters. 

Yet in Kizumonogatari, he is, from start to end, not on the side of any person. He’s on the side of the monsters. It’s on Kiss-Shot’s behalf that he begs Oshino to intervene, because a balance that forces one party to suffer alone is not a balance he can abide.

He can’t save Kiss-Shot. He can’t end her suffering. If anything, you can argue he made it worse. 

What he can do is take a portion of her burden on himself, literally lower his ‘intensity as a human’ by retaining some of his vampire traits, and keep her alive. He keeps traces of the wound she inflicted on him, in exchange for the wounds he inflicts on her lasting forever as well. “Damaged goods both, we sought out each other.” They each have a bit of themselves missing now, something they can only find in each other. 

It’s selfishness, unquestionably. He’s fine with that. He knows he’s doing something that will hurt her. He’s fine with that. 

That’s the difference. The fear of his own vampiric selfishness is gone now. For better or worse, from this point he’s okay with being a bit insistent in getting to know people, not afraid of possibly hurting them in an attempt to help. 

He’s persistent in pursuing Hitagi, not just because his vampire abilities allow him to recover from the wounds she inflicts, but because his experience as a vampire reminds him how low someone can be dragged by isolation, and how much someone stretching out a hand can help. 

Coming into Kizumonogatari it feels like Bakemonogatari’s vampiric inversion, but by the end it’s clearly more like a prototype, at least when it comes to Koyomi’s attitude. His first stumbling attempts at helping.

And that’s all for now. No funny anime pictures this time! It was a deliberate choice, I promise, not because I just forgot to take screenshots while rewatching the movies (oops . . . ). But, I mean, I barely touched on the adaptation in this essay anyway, preferring to work off the text of the novel where possible. Considering the level of artistry on display in the movies, they probably deserve their own post. Which I will not be making any time soon, because oh my god I want to get to Nise already. 

#monogatari #kizumonogatari #araragi koyomi #kiss shot acerola orion heart under blade #shinobu oshino #hanekawa tsubasa #monogatariposting

[faioula16]

You could do a one-shot about how Sebastian would help us if we ask him to eliminate someone who hurt us before and then he ends up comforting us in our bed? And who knows, maybe a smut will follow? 🖤

I put so much effort into this One shot for everyone to enjoy. Hope you like it and feel free to ask for a request again~.

Warnings: A bit of angst and smut, that means sexual contact. And also...lots and lots, and plenty more of pure FLUFF!!!!!!!

                                      You're my everything

Finally, after a very long day of work, you sat over the edge of your and Sebastian's shared king-size bed. At this time, your beloved demon butler was preparing his master for his bedtime before he could excuse himself and retire for the rest of the night.

It was raining outside, fortunately, stormy weather accompanied by the sound of thunder and the sight of lighting wasn't disturbing to you at all. This kind of weather is very relaxing in your opinion to say the very least.

Just as you were about to start undressing so you could change into fresh nightclothes Sebastian set out for you, however, you stopped in your actions right there as memories that had been haunting you for years crossed your mind one right after the other just as fast as the lightning flashes appeared and disappeared through the windows of the room.

Your stepfather was one of the most horrible, cruel, and ruthless people you had ever met. A pathetic alcoholic shit who was taking advantage of your mother's money and her absence because of her job so he could freely insult and torture you endlessly just for the sake of his own sadistic and perverted entertainment. You could still feel the toxic pain from the whipping and lighting cigars against your skin as if it were happening right now. Most of the bruises, burn marks, and wounds had faded away due to the number of years that had passed since those awful memories had taken place. But some deep scratches remained over the skin of your back, a reminder of what you've been through and that you managed to escape and run away, being forced to leave your mother behind after multiple tries to convince you should forget everything that happened and make a new start without her.

The decision was one of the toughest ones you have ever taken so far but you also had to respect your mother's self-sacrifice and grant her wish for you to have a promising future ahead of you.

From then and after the guilt along with nightmares were making you unable to make peace with yourself and leave and accept completely the past. Sebastian was well aware, you told him everything right after he marked you as his own and you both became mates for eternity. After you've been informed of your mother's disease, your dedicated devil offered you his assistance to dispose of the person who was responsible for your trauma and current mental suffering, but you kindly refused because you didn't want to make yourself a murderer even if it wouldn't be you to do the dirty act, at least that's what you said to yourself.

Even if the knocking from the other side of the door was soft it made you jump a bit and let out a small yelp in surprise but you sigh out in relief when you saw Sebastian entering your shared bedroom.

"Darling, is everything alright?" Sebastian closed the door behind him and with slow steps made his way to you, his one and only beloved mate. You didn’t give him a response he knelt before you and took your hands to his own, squeezing them gently to send your body a bit of comfort. “Is it the thought of your mother’s death that troubles you again my dearest?” Of course, Sebastian knew already the answer to that question. He stood up straight and sat right beside you. He let out a deep sigh and gently placed you on his lap, his white-gloved hands cupped the side of your face to make you look up at him. Half-narrowed eyes were staring down at you tenderly while his thumb was stroking the soft of your cheeks as well. “My love, I simply cannot stand the sight of you suffering any longer. Your nightmares had become more often and far worse. Is there anything I can do to help you? All you have to do is just say the word and I will do anything in my power to solve your problems at any cost” His hand leaned your head to rest against his bare chest while giving your back soft-loving rubs in circle moves.

You did hesitate at first but knew better that enough was enough. You shall not suffer anymore, there’s only one way to make peace with yourself and let go of your past. “Sebastian, there is something you can do to help me if you want it that much” 

“Oh, and what that might be my little devil?” He smirked devilishly down at you. The mischief and sadistic desire seemed like a wild flame through his eyes that had turned into that bright fuchsia color tone of his.

“I hope it’s not too late to accept what you offered me a few months ago, for him to become eliminated by your own very hands. However I have one more request, I’d like you to also search the place that used to be my home. See if can find anything that belonged to my mother and bring it to me. Would that be too much trouble for you? I mean, you don’t have to grand my requests if you don’t want to, you know that very well-” You’ve been cut off once his lips joined your own in a passionate kiss.

He gave a slow lick to your bottom lip asking for the entrance to that lovely mouth of yours. Your tounges danced together with him obviously being the one in charge. “Mmmm~” Sebastian hummed in satisfaction as he broke the kiss between you and him. “I’ve told you once and I will say it again, any request of yours is a wish and any wish of yours is my command and desire to fulfill. You are my everything so the seals we share prove so” In the blink of an eye the butler has taken off both yours and his upper clothes, letting them fall to the carpet on a spot right beside the bed. Your cheeks had turned in a dark pink tone however you were still on your bra that prevented your chest from being exposed...for the moment. Sebastian took your hand and placed it in the middle of his chest where your shared seal was and with his free hand, he touched your seal that was laying upon the crock of your neck. “By the next morning, everything will be settled and you shall have your dear mother’s belongings brought to you without any failure. I promise you that, but for now...let us enjoy ourselves and have some quality time together. Would you like that kitten?” His hands made their way to your back with his slender yet skillful fingers ready to remove the fabric around your chest area.

You looked away in slight embarrassment. Oh god if you only knew how much this demon enjoys the utterly adorable blushing face of yours. “Yes, I’d like that very much” You finally confessed. You’ve been marked and had sex with Sebastian for almost a year so this won’t be your first time with him. Every time thought you couldn’t help but feel your cheeks burning and your heart filling up with desire for him.

“My darling mate~” With a swift move your breasts were completely exposed. Sebastian laid your body against the soft comfortable sheets and hovered over you with blushing cheeks and a lustful expression as well. “My everything, give me your tongue, aaah...” His voice purred as he attacked your mouth for a heated make-out session, then his face leaned down and began to give sweet smoochies all over your face. Your neck followed shortly after too. “How about a hickey or two~?” He didn’t wait for you to respond when his lips began to suck on many spots of your neck, avoiding leaving any mark on your seal, he wanted that part spotless.

You moaned in pleasure each time a hickey was panted upon your sweet soft flesh.

Sebastian kissed each lovebite and then focused on each one of your breasts. Licking in circles around your nipple while his free hand was playing with your other breast. “You’re so soft and delicate my darling love~” He cooed between the sound of our moans. He ran a thumb over each hardened nipple and with the other squeezed soft flesh once again.

Your moans became even louder when he took one of your hard pink nipples into his mouth and began to suck, lick and kiss it with so much care. Sebastian hollows his cheeks as his wet tongue runs over it until it's all red from all of his work, he then realizes it with a lewd popping sound.

“And now the other one~” He gave your other breast the same care, your legs gave out small kicks from the amount of pleasure Sebastian was giving you. His face lowered to your stomach. “Oh, would you look at that, I already reached down to your belly area, let me show you once more how much I love to treat you here, won’t you dear?” His hands held into yours with your fingers linking together.

“S-Sebastian!” You almost shouted when the devil began to kiss you all over your belly and sides. You squeezed into his hands tightly when you felt his lips leaving tiny kisses up and down your thighs just to tease you a bit.

He slowly removed the rest of your clothes and underwear. The devil chuckled to himself and licked his lips at the sight of your beautiful flower that was so close to his face. “Now then spread your legs kitten and give your Sebastian a good meal to feast upon” He let go of your hands and separated your thighs gently. His one palm pushed firmly down to the skin area where your vagina was while his other hand was brought underneath you and cupped your buttcheek. He blows cold air over your swollen pussy and lowers his mouth to your core.

“Bon appetit” His tongue gives a long slick lick up to your slit only to have it curl around your clit. You flinch out and let out a heavy moan as your body responds to your lover's actions. He continues working his mouth lapping on your sweet-delicious juices. “Delicious, flavor no one else can give me but you, my precious mate. You’re so generous giving out so much nectar for me to enjoy~” His other hand used to push down the skin under your belly now grabs your other buttcheek as well. Urging you steadily thrust into his mouth while he licks and kisses your clit. His tongue stings into your vagina’s hole and uses your butt to help your body thrust a bit faster. Your head leans back and your whole body trembles in pure pleasure until you finally reach the point to cum right into Sebastian’s mouth. “SEBASTIAAAAN!”

“Mmmm, my you’re so good~” Your lover manages to murmur with his mouth still full of your pussy, he sucks softly while shallowing with greed all the cum, not allowing even a drop to be wasted.

It’s a good thing your shared bedroom had the best soundproofing Sebastian could adjust to the room’s walls. You were unable to be seen either because the windows had tined glass protection. Only the best for you darling.

Finally, his mouth has been removed from your womanhood, he sat on both knees with his upper body slowly rising to get a better look at you. Half-lidden eyes looked down at your panting form in a loving manner. His hand reached out to caress some stray hair off your pretty face. His body hovered upon yours once again and pulled you in for a warm embrace. “Kitten, are you sure we can continue?” He whispered smoothly to your ear while having you wrapped up in his arms.

“Yes, I’d like you to show me more love. I really need it, I need you Sebastian” You explained calmly, you were a blushing mess yet here you were asking your lover to show you more of the adoration he feels for you and only you. Your hand uses the back of his head to pull his face closer to yours. Noses touching each other as your hot breathing sends warm-soft waves to each other faces.

He doesn’t break eye contact with you not even for a moment. “My love” The devil whispers happily and slowly joins his lips with yours. Still kissing you passionately his one arm moves down for his finger to smooth across the head of his cock giving it the necessary preparation while he stares at you with so much affection and adoration.

You were so lost in his eyes that you didn’t notice he put a slender-long finger in his mouth just for a few seconds to cover it with his hot slicking saliva. “Ahh!” You gasped when his wet finger entered suddenly your vagina hole.

Sebastian chuckled at your adorable reaction. “Oh my, you didn’t believe I would enter you without warming you up a little, now did you, my dear?” A whine escapes from your lips and Sebastian laughs softly in response, easing his finger inside you in and out with gentle thrusts as he curls it slowly.

His eyes closed and a genuine smile slowly appeared across his face while hearing your sweet moans and whines. “You’re so wet yet you remain too tight for me to enter without causing you any pain. I guess we have to work a little longer before I can get inside you. Meanwhile, I will enjoy pleasing you” Stronger orgasm washes all over you as you see lighting spots right above you. The demon pulls out his finger from you and the next thing you hear is the falling sound of his pants and shoes along with his belt being unbuckled. “I will be gentle to my little devil, like always” He commented softly before he attacked his mouth with yours while his dick is slowly sliding inch by inch inside you as you scratch his back and your whimpers get muffed by him kissing you endlessly.

Your vagina gets accustomed to the stretch of his dick rather quickly and that convinced Sebastian to finally start pushing himself in and out while groaning loudly.  Hot breaths hit your neck as he buries his face between it and your shoulder. Your legs wrap around his waist by instinct and push his spine as a request to thrust deeper inside you and so he does. Yours and his moans mixed well in harmony. Each thrust brought you closer to the edge until you couldn’t handle the amount of pleasure anymore that made you cum and your demon lover a few seconds later as had already pulled his dick out from you and let his it shoot the pure white sperm all over your stomach and breasts. “Oh my, how foolish of me to make such a mess on you~” He purred and let out a naughty chuckle. “Now now, come here you” Your demon whispered and took you in his arms with your head resting on his shoulder. “Let us take a bath together, shall we? You poor dear I exhausted you so much~” Sebastian purred sweetly and caressed the back of your head before he opened the extra door the room had that led to your bathroom.

In a matter of minutes, the demon placed himself into the tub filled with hot steamy water and fresh rose petals with you sitting on his lap with your back resting upon his bare chest. “Ahhh...~” He let out a pleasant sigh and wrapped his arms around your body. “Isn’t it better now kitten? After such a good sex session, we had now all the stress and tension escaped from you. And what better than a hot bath to give you the final relaxation you were lacking after such a hard day~?” He gave your forehead a long sweet kiss before he started washing your body with shampoo and water. “There you go, that’s a good girl... let everything go and relax in my care”

You let out a big yaw that made your demon chuckle to himself and give your mouth a bunch of tender smoochies to wake you up a little.

“Don’t sleep here my darling kitten it’s not proper for a lady like yourself to do so” Sebastian spoke in an amused tone while he washed off what remained from his white juice off your belly, chest, and pussy with careful moves.

“It’s your fault to make me feel that relaxed” You commented back in a rather sassy tone.

Sebastian couldn’t help but laugh at your sassiness and gift you with kisses all over your face. “Maybe you’re right. Now if you will, close your eyes for me” Once you did as he said his slender fingers began to rub through your hair. After the bath, he dressed both of you into your night clothes but excused himself for a moment and exited the bathroom before you.

“You may come out now my love” He called out for you after some minutes. You exited the bathroom and saw a freshly made bed with your favorite fluffy blankets and right beside the bed a wheeled table with your dinner meal. “Come here my mate” He led you over to the bed and laid you with your back facing the big fluffy pillows. After he fed you the delicious meal he had prepared he tucked you both under the warm-soft blankets. But this time he let himself lay upon you with his head over your chest. You hugged him as if you were hugging a child. “I love you so much my kitten” He kissed your lips softly. “Mmmm, my everything~” He kissed you some more and lay right beside you with your bodies facing each other. He used one hand to bury your head in his chest and watched as your breathing slowed down and fell asleep in your dedicated demon's arms.

#kuroshitsuji sebastian #kuroshitsuji #sebastian michaelis #black butler #sebastian michaelis x you #fanfic #fanfiction #black butler fanfiction #fluff #romance #x reader #black butler sebastian michaelis #kuroshitsuji sebastian michaelis #black butler sebastian #kuroshitsuji imagines #kuroshitsuji fanfiction #smut #black butler one shot #black butler smut #sebastian michaelis x reader #sebastian michaelis smut #sebastian michaelis kin #kuroshitsuji smut #kuroshitsuji one shot #agnst #black butler agnst #Kuroshitsuji agnst

[wyn-n-tonic]

Hi hi!

So I'm considering approaching my bosses to ask if I can put together a presentation (that can possibly be adopted into our training model) regarding deconstructing ableist language within our field. I don't foresee them saying no but I do think that they may tell me I'm still too new and they don't want to put extra responsibilities on me. Even though I'd be volunteering to do this and I have volunteered myself to take on next steps earlier in the past, my bosses are very big into making sure their employees are taking care of themselves first and foremost and I have felt safe in disclosing my own conditions to them so they are aware that I sometimes have limitations that I don't feel comfortable speaking up about and they will do so for me. In preparation for that possibility I was thinking of actually going ahead and putting this together anyway because I think that it's something that could benefit the writing community as well.

A big reason why I think that this is so important (and can be used in all fields but is a huge deal in my own) is because disabled people are often times un- or under-employed. So when it comes to my field, we are lacking in representation of the very community that we serve. This leads to a lot of outdated language and it leads to a lot of inaccurate understanding of the individual that they are serving. The language that is often used regarding disabled people is language that paints us as sad and evokes pity. So somebody who has never worked with this or that person automatically has an image in their head based on that language and that is what they go into interactions with and it leads to poor experiences where caregivers and families and individuals themselves feel unseen and unheard and uncared for by the very people who are supposed to help amplify their voices.

How this could benefit the writing community is helping with ensuring that we're not intentionally excluding an entire group of people from narratives. I've talked about this before but I don't expect to see myself in every story nor do I want to see myself in every story but I'm very good at picking up on when people like me are not wanted or welcome in a story.

That being said, I'd really love to hear from other disabled people regarding things that have been said to them that wasn't meant to come off as aggressive or dismissive or ableist but did anyway. Two of my biggest phrases that I plan to focus on are suffers from and struggles with.

For example, I've had somebody say, "she suffers from hearing loss," about me. Well... no. I don't suffer from my hearing loss and I'm not some half drowned kitten in a thunderstorm. What happened is that I had an infection that, as a result of poor access to medical care, I experienced partial hearing loss in my left ear. This is something that compounds on top of my auditory processing disorder that I experience as a symptom of my cognitive disability, which is autism and ADHD.

I hope that the difference between the original statement and the way that I presented my own abilities was noticeable and I welcome discussion and suggestion from abled and disabled people alike. Obviously, I'm prioritizing disabled voices but abled voices do have their space in this conversation. Why? Because it has to be a conversation and it has to be about learning and no gaps can be closed if abled people feel as though they can't ask questions or can't speak as somebody who loves a disabled person who has also experienced disrespect of language.

I also want to hear from queer and BIPOC people with disabilities on this topic because it has been my experience while working in this field that both populations are underserved and language plays a huge part in that not only by being ableist but also by being anti-LGBTQ+ or racist. My goal with undertaking this project isn't only to help my colleagues address and check their biases in real time but also to become a better advocate and hopefully help to increase services for people in my community who need it and are ignored.

#long post #disability #disabled #actually disabled #writing community #idk what to tag this as actually but this feels like a good start

[nances]

Here’s a handful of cautious optimism as a treat, my brothers in byler

I think there’s a huge misconception about the state of this ship atp. You guys do realize we’ve always been 10 steps ahead of the general audience, right? We knew Will was gay as early as in 2017, some were aware of this back when the first season released too. If I’m not mistaken, the idea that Will might be in love with Mike was around and going strong especially post-season 2, and especially after that one line in the script “Will isn’t looking at the cute girl, he’s looking at… Mike”

Most of us expected explicit byler in season 3, needless to say we were morbidly disappointed. What we did get, however, was yet another hint at Will being gay, and the number of articles with speculation about Will’s sexuality started increasing exponentially. Any way you break it down, we really only got evidence of Will being gay, and there was little indication of him having feelings for Mike.

Season 4 brought the plot line of Will being in love with Mike to the table in canon. We got to see how strong his feelings for Mike are, how they are absolutely eating him up and yet he’s still putting the happiness of his sister and the person he’s in love with above his own, even if that means he suffers. We saw both him being in love with Mike, being absolutely selfless about it AND beating the homewrecker allegations. Personally, I’d call this a W.

Now I understand why we had our expectations regarding byler so high up, Noah’s comments were only stirring the pot. I don’t know if he was truly trolling, and all this buildup amounts to nothing, but he did say “they can’t end it there”, and on some level, he’s aware of the outline for season 5.

If this is indeed gaybaiting, I by no means want to defend that but we have to acknowledge that his idea of “building up byler” pretty much matches that of the general audience’s. We’re only getting groundwork as of right now. As much as we like to joke about him having a secret account on here, a couple of years ago he was, on some level even hostile about the prospect of Mike and Will being gay.

The fallout of what vol.2 turned out to be hit hard, there’s no denying that. Most of us were shocked they actually ended up fueling midleven even more, despite the fact that we were so convinced that going that route would essentially be anticlimactic and bad writing. There was a lot of dissatisfaction with using Will’s feelings as a prop for the straight ship (understandably so.)

But the thing is, the general audience is now for the first time properly aware of the possibility of byler being canon, and a lot of people are picking up on just how bad the lead-up with the monologue was. A lot of people agree that midleven is getting repetitive, and that the monologue was mediocre at best. Is it really indicative of delusion to assume that this ship is being set up for doom? Meanwhile byler’s popularity is skyrocketing and the tag has gained yet another thousand followers after the release of Vol.2 alone.

We don’t know what’s going through the Duffers’ heads. Oh I wish we did. But we really don’t. We do know for a fact though that they don’t really rewatch their show (albeit I hope they’ve learned their lesson after this) which drastically diminishes their credibility as skilled writers. In terms of cinematography and soundtrack, Vol.2 was absolute peak, but the narrative, however, was a mess. They left a lot of loose ends untied, and they’re going to have a shit ton of exposition to do next season.

So either they’re really shit writers, or midleven was anticlimactic and mediocre on purpose.

Despite everything, there’s still the fact that one of those loose ends is Will’s lying about El commissioning the painting. It’s evident in the letter in episode 1 and as far as we know, she’s never really played D&D. If they’re really as good at constructing stories as they’re hailed, we should expect this to go somewhere. Because the Steve and Nancy stuff was left unresolved as well. Same with Max’s letters. If they really decide to leave all of that unaddressed, it simply won’t be a look good for the show.

Bottom line is, they did say they wanted to write an authentic story, and I really hope they realize that having the main guy and main girl end up together is the most overused trope ever. We should all sit on the fact that we did get a fairly good amount of content to advance byler, and that they could’ve just left this storyline about Will’s feelings for Mike out altogether. They made a conscious choice not to. Now I don’t think that half of the shit presented in the byler slides was intentional, but I do think that there still is a chance that they’re heading towards a midleven breakup and byler endgame. I could be wrong, but this is just how I see it now that I’ve let it simmer for a while. We’re still in for an entire season, jopper’s development spanned over 4 seasons and jancy got together in the span of one, so realistically, anything is possible.

#idk if this dissertation of mine makes sense at all it’s 2am and i’m rendering an edit as we speak & i’m really tired so sorry if it’s #incoherent #byler #stranger things #will byers #mike wheeler #stranger things season 4 #stranger things theory