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renaissanceman5073 · 9 months

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The Death of Femininity and Marriage

Women face enormous challenges in this post-gender society as well. Women have always been conflicted. Do I want the “bad boy” or do I want the sweet nice boy who I can take home to mama? The bad boy archetype hasn’t changed for centuries. He is the proverbial wild man, untamed, uncontrollable. No one woman can keep him, he will be free. He rides a motorcycle, or drives a muscle car. His hair is slicked back if it’s 1950 and unkempt if it’s 2014. He is fit, muscular, a good fighter, brooding and angry. He treats women like sex objects, takes what he wants from them and then moves on.

I suspect this construct appears as a result of what most women secretly desire - a temporary, seemingly uberdominant man, unable to be trained, who is hypersexual and quickly goes away never to be seen again. No, he is not going to be a long term project, or the father of her children, but he is the male personification of a side of themselves that most women have. . .their own internal “wildwoman.”

What I find most interesting is the overlap between the “bad boy” archetype women have constructed for fantasy, and the traditional male archetype. Temper the “bad boy” just a little, and you have the man most men would like to be - liberated and free, potent, respected and feared. So, how certain should we be that women really want to be married to the exact opposite? Will they really be fulfilled by a man so far from the exciting passionate ideal?

I doubt they are satisfied. Statistics show that many women are not satisfied with their marriage or other relationship. The sweet, “perfect man” mothers and school teachers have been creating over the past 30 years may not be so perfect after all.

While men continue to flounder, women continue to reject male energy in all of its forms, preferring instead the harmless, soft 30 year old teenager. It is a true shame actually, which prevents women from achieving their own self-actualization and forces them to abandon much of their femininity. Women have been taught for generations now that they don’t need a man. They can be psychologically fulfilled without any male influence. In fact, women are taught that men only interfere with a woman’s self-realization process; that men blunder into their otherwise organized lives and take over their personas.

This modern mythology is both wrong and hurtful to a woman’s development. It stems from the notion that men and women really do not need each other for anything but procreation - and not even for that anymore. Of course, neither God, nor nature could possibly have intended this to be the case. To fight so hard to deny basic nature is the height of arrogance.

Our society has now raised at least two generations of women who do not understand men - at all. They make no effort to really understand the male psyche, because maleness is painted as “foolishness,” “childish,” hypersexual and low. Effete men in society spend their entire lives bolstering this female view of masculinity, themselves content to cede any real responsibly as “the man of the house” to their “partners” (a term created explicitly to remove gender identity from traditional relationship roles).

The predictable result is unhappy men and women with less of a sense of self than their mothers and grandmothers had. As much as women may want to escape it, it is an inescapable fact that a part of who they end up becoming will be shaped by the men they encounter. The fathers, boyfriends, brothers, lovers and husbands will inevitably leave their mark on the young woman. Unless and until all men are extricated from Earth, at least some groups of women will continue to be attracted to men, want to be attractive to men, seek out validation from men, and measure their self worth, in part, by how men see them. This is neither good nor bad, and trying to moralize it is like trying to moralize anything else in nature, like the lion eating the gazelle. It may be distasteful to some, but short of exterminating lions and gazelles, there will continue to be occasional slaughter.

I can’t imagine what it must be like to be one of these women, never really wanting to understand true male energy, or explore male power rituals, or finally come to understand the complex relationship they had with their own fathers. That true understanding can only be gained through close relationships with men in which the man feels comfortable enough, both with himself and with her, to share those intimate secrets.

Talk to 100 men who have been married for at least ten years and they will all give you the same list of complaints - that wives almost always underestimate the importance of sex to men. This is because they have been taught, expressly, to not understand male sexuality and to view male sexuality as an inconvenience that will “work itself out” over time as they age. And this is, of course, one way that women assert themselves as morally and emotionally superior - they don’t need to act like craven animals, they are above that.

It is worth looking at the stereotypical modern pattern. A woman gets married, she stops trying to look good, stops having sex, insists on more help around the house and with the children, makes him give up golf, or hunting, or whatever male activity he used to enjoy because (you don’t really want to be away from the kids do you?). She then pulls out what a good friend of mine calls the “guilt bat.”

Then she goes through a marital crisis and either (1) gets divorced or; (2) begins to finally try to understand what makes her man tick. The former go off into the wilderness, secure in the belief that he was just a typical loser man, and that all of those negative things her mother warned her about were true. The latter begins taking better care of her appearance, takes a renewed interest in her man's needs, puts the children down from time to time, and gives her man less to do.

Some of these marriage fixers even pass on what they’ve learned about men to their daughters, who are then lightyears ahead of the competition and are spared years of unhappiness early in their marriages. That is, unless mom’s voice is drowned out by scores of other, discontented, single, divorced women, who soak the airwaves with the same old stereotypes - "man bad, horny, 'thinks with his other head,' woman good, educated, enlightened."

More disconcerting is the effect these mothers have on their sons. Consider being the boy during the divorce. Mommy found out that Daddy cheated on her. Daddy is evil, Daddy is bad. His sexuality led to the end of the traditional family. Sexuality is bad. Daddy spent too much time with his friends, he didn’t love us kids because he didn’t want to be with us 24/7! He is a bad Daddy.

It is only fashionable to tell the story in a way that absolves the wife and mother of any and all responsibility for the failure of the marriage. The husband and father always cheats because he is a piece of shit man, who couldn’t control his disgusting sexual impulses. To defend that man is taboo. To say that he cheated because his wife got fat and stopped having sex with him is to invite perpetual and eternal scorn from all women and all effete men in society.

What a disservice we do to society. Why not really explore the questions, why do men cheat? Why do men need time away from the family? Does that mean he loves them less? What is a “good father”?

There are all these articles that always seem to be popping up about why men cheat. They are largely written by women, and they basically say nothing. The “top five” or “top ten” reasons listed are thoughtful but lack true depth because they lack male input. “He makes a deep emotional connection with someone he is around a lot more than his wife, like a co-worker; He has an image crisis; Midlife crisis; We live in an entitlement society; Men are not ‘growing up’ anymore,” etc.

All of these “reasons” have one thing in common - the are all reasons why women think men cheat, or why they imagine they would cheat if they were a man. They correctly focus on emotions, and external forces like “coworkers” and “entitlement society but then they trivialize the male with cliches like “midlife crisis.”

Men cheat when their wives cease to be the object, yes object, of their desire. This happens for the most obvious and predictable reasons in the world - appearance, willingness, creativity, intimacy, and the lack of those things.

Women can spend so much time in their pre-marriage years obsessing over their appearance, but then once they are comfortably in a stable relationship or married, they let it go. Pre-marriage, women know, absolutely know, that men are attracted to attractive women. This is in spite of the fact that girls are now taught not to judge themselves based on their looks. They are pleaded with not to allow their looks to define their self worth, and not to go down the path of low-self esteem because of their weight, or their complexion. This advice is largely ignored because girls want boys to like them.

Years later, however, many women suddenly forget what it takes to look attractive. By now, she has lost her interest in sex as well. She is too tired, not feeling well, worried about the children. She has stuff to do. There is no time. “Ok, but just a quickie.” Her frumpy, tired appearance has doubled as a sexual defense mechanism. As a teenager, she knew how to attract men, she now puts that knowledge to use repelling her husband.

These topics are, of course, completely off limits for discussion. Any man who raises the topic of a woman's appearance, for example, is immediately condemned by his wife, her friends, and her friends’ sensitive husbands who are not stupid enough to fight that battle, even if they secretly agree. Fine. So men remain silent on the topic, dutifully indulging her emotional need to convalesce until…that’s right, the other woman enters the picture. She smiles at him, she is interested in what he does. She looks good, she smells good. She isn’t caked with the remnants of a day. She isn’t exhausted looking, but rather healthy and energetic. They have an affair.

When the affair is discovered it is always viewed as such a “shock.” The wife and the wife’s friends are “stunned” and “horrified.” Even the most sophisticated women can ignore the obvious explanations in favor of offering condemnations of all things male.

For example, I recently discovered a friend of mine, a good, normal guy, was having an affair with a co-worker. His wife discovered it and now they are now divorced. He had an affair because, as he said it, he wasn’t getting much sex at home and she had let herself go. He admitted that he had reached a point with his marriage where he really didn’t care whether or not they stayed together. There was nothing for him at home and, quite frankly, he didn’t really find her attractive anymore anyway. So, from his perspective, if he got caught, he got caught, and it would be over. If he didn’t get caught, maybe he could stay married, stay with the kids, but still feel fulfilled. When asked if the affair made him feel fulfilled he said quite plainly: “Oh yeah. It was like being a teenager again. I felt alive and wanted and I am never going back.” Of course this is all very sad. The end of a marriage and the breakup of a family is tragic. But, I submit to you that this man was being honest. Yes, that’s right, a complete, vile betrayal might actually, secretly, be fulfilling.

His wife and their marriage counselor will ask “why didn’t you talk to me about these things”? - Off limits. “Why didn’t you tell me you thought I had let myself go”? - Off limits. “Why didn’t you tell me you wanted more sex?” - he did. “Why didn’t you tell me you wanted me to dress like that for you?” - Off limits. “Why didn’t you tell me you felt the kids were getting between us?” - Guilt bat. And then, of course, she had a laundry list of his failings, which inevitably dominated the discussion as she has earned “victim status” while he earned “perpetrator” status.

These things are so obvious, so easily discussed and so easily cured if women would allow men to talk about them in male terms using male language skills. Women develop extravagant communication skills and naturally assume that they are experts at all forms of communication. This has evolved because women are traditionally the social formers. For women, talking - even about nothing - creates a bond with other women and bonds form relationships which form societies.

Men don't need to build the same bonds. While off in the woods hunting in a group, men need to communicate swiftly and clearly to one another using as few words as possible. As a result, men have developed a different set of communication skills premised on efficiency and clarity. Two men can go hunting, say nothing to each other all day, come home and tell their wives they had a great time with their buddy. She asks: "Well what did you guys talk about?" Of course, men ask "What did you guys do?" When he tells her they didn't talk she assumes there is something wrong. This is because if two women sat together and didn't talk it would be viewed as a rejection.

By the time they are in their 20s, most women can talk about everything and anything - so long as the female communications rules are followed. The problem is, very few men ever, ever, develop the communication skills necessary to speak woman in their language. It’s not for lack of trying. It is because men have been hard wired over thousands of years to communicate in short, easy to understand terms like “stop, go, flank the mammoth, ready, aim, fire, retreat, advance, attack, defend.” Men tend to be action oriented and result oriented. When out in the wilderness hunting buffalo or fighting Germans, there is no time to debate the process or come to a consensus on which direction to retreat to. Communication must be swift, clear and decisive in tone.

Women communicate in what I always envision as a spiderweb. It is beautiful and complex, connecting a multitude of ideas at infinite points. A woman can look at a web of communication and decipher the meaning, the feelings, the motivations of the communicator in very short order. Men just fall into the web and die.

For example, a woman cannot simply ask her friends if she is fat. First, the issue of weight has to be brought up in some other context, like clothing. Then the other women must agree that “clothing” is an acceptable topic of conversation. If there is a consensus to discuss “clothing,” the initiator is allowed to proffer her theory.

Next, the initiator must frame the discussion in such a way as to be non-threatening to everyone else there. She proposes that “clothing” be discussed in the context of her most recent shopping trip. This signals to the others that she is not discussing shopping in general, or someone else’s shopping, but rather a personal experience of some kind.

At last a hint of the content is revealed. The initiator informs the others that she was “trying on clothes.” Immediately the other women envision all of their own personal challenges when “trying on clothes.” An environment of “relating to” the experience is now being cultivated and the potential for empathy arises.

Then finally, the communication. This is the tricky part. “…And it made me look so fat!” Is she asking a question? Not really. She is asking for affirmation that she is not fat. The women are to respond “oh you’re not fat…” or “how could anything make you look fat?” The initiator could have been more specific. “…And it looked okay on top (meaning that she is content with the appearance of her top), but it made my butt look too big (so tell me, is my butt big?)”

Now that the communication is out there, it is time for the other women to comment. One might convey her own experience and conclude with a comment like “that store cuts clothes to tight,” meaning “it’s not you it’s the clothes, no you are not fat.” Another might disagree and say something like “you know, my mother tried Weight Watchers and lost 30 pounds, can you believe that?” Translation: “You need to lose some weight, but it can be done…” A really brave one might say: “You know, I have really been meaning to lose weight. I’ve been getting out of shape.” Translation: “You need to lose weight like me, I will help you if you want.”

Men have no such communication rituals and cannot possibly be expected to understand something so complicated. Men say: “I am fat.” If they are unsure, they ask “have I gotten fat”? They may not like the answer, but neither does the woman who went through the elaborate female communication ritual. And, it is an absolute certainty that that group of women, standing in the African wilderness, employing those elaborate communications skills, would get eaten by some wild animal.

So in the context of a relationship with men, is there any doubt that there will be occasional communication errors? The fact is, women won’t admit it, but they are offended by direct communication. They feel that it is insensitive, harsh, and mean. Men are unwilling to take the time, for the most part, to engage in the elaborate Kabuki dance that is female communication. Men have a hard enough time expressing their own feelings. To require them to do it in an unconventional way, in a language they barely understand is unfair. Most men, when faced with this decision, say nothing. "Nothing" turns into an affair and then a divorce.

Of course, there is one thing that is almost always overlooked. Men do almost everything they do in an effort to impress, protect, win, keep, support, or have sex with women. It is their primary instinct. Men are so inspired by femininity that they willingly die to protect it. It is largely the focal point of art and using it is the easiest way for a woman to get her way.

And it is dying. Mostly it is dying because women are doing too much. I've talked with a number of women about this point - women I really respect, including my ex-wife. The "supermom" ideal promulgated by the media is a myth, and a very damaging one to young women. No, you cannot have it all any more than men can. Sure, there are exceptions. But, it is simply cruel to insist that all women raise the kids, take care of most of the house, earn half the money and maintain her looks and femininity. It's just not fair and a lot of women are beginning to agree. The problem is, so many women set out to climb that mountain, being told that they have a duty to all other women to make it to the top, and when they fail, they hate themselves. You're told your whole life that you have to be everything for everybody and then, poof, you hit 35 and realize it's impossible. Then she gives up.

Until women are allowed to be women, without being shamed for choosing either path, society will suffer. Families are less likely to stay together with a tired, angry wife and mother. The old adage is still true: If mama's happy, everyone's happy. The world would simply be a better place with more happy mamas.

#traditional family #traditional gentleman #renaissanceman5073 #traditional gender roles #traditional femininity #traditional gentlemen #dark humor #traditional marriage

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