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mlove44lh · 1 year

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Don´t hurt yourself

Chaprter 4 - Apathy

Masterlist

Previously chapter

Warnings: mention of cheating, angst, swearing, mention of miscarriage, mention of blood and hospital, alcohol use. This chapther it may be triggering for some people

Words: 4.337

“So what are you gonna say at my funeral, now that you've killed me? Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head. Here lies the mother of my children, both living and dead. Rest in peace, my true love, who I took for granted. Most bomb p*ssy who, because of me, sleep evaded. Her god listening. Her heaven will be a love without betrayal.

Ashes to ashes, dust to side chicks.”

August

"The physical pain is a gentle breeze compared to the emotional pain that engulfs me now. The contractions still echo through my body like violent waves, and tears continue to stream down my face. But none of this compares to the tightness I feel in my chest. The image of what happened before still haunts my mind like a nightmare that won't go away.

It lasted so little, I didn't even have a chance to know him, to hear his voice, admire his eyes, feel his warmth against mine. I will never know which one of us he would have resembled more. My dearest dream has turned into a nightmare.

They promised me that this would be the last exam, just to make sure I don't have any residue left inside me.

"Residue". That's what he became.

I go through all the procedures while being completely on autopilot, I no longer care where they take me, the smell of ether is already ingrained in me and everything seems like a loop of the same thing. Doctors come and go from my field of vision, their voices distant as if they were whispers.

A lot of blood lost, they said.

I think of Lewis, I think I saw him this morning, but I'm not sure, dreams are becoming more and more similar to reality. I don't know if I can trust my mind.

"Mrs. Hamilton? Do you hear me?"

The doctor stares at me, even though he is close, the sound of his voice feels like it's coming from miles away. I try to focus on the moment but it's almost impossible.

"We can search for treatments for your condition, but for now, the best course of action would be for you to refrain from attempting a new pregnancy. So that we can investigate and make the best decision before proceeding with anything else." He pauses before continuing, perhaps waiting for a question. I must have a million of them, but I can't even manage to utter my own name now. “I will call your husband, if everything goes well, you'll be discharged by morning. I'll be around if you need me.”

I watch him leave the room, the hole in my chest makes me feel absolutely nothing, which ends up being more comforting than the suffering I felt when I came across all that blood. I go back to staring at the white ceiling and hope this all passes soon.”

There is nothing more exhausting than loving for two.

I look at the diamond that even after six years, still shines brightly on my ring finger. It would be so much easier if there was no love, but it seems like love was the only thing that remained, even if only on one side.

Everything else has gone away; happiness, respect, attention. The only thing that remains will be the hardest to let go, love.

How does she look through the eyes of my husband? How does he see her? Certainly very different from me, certainly much better than me.

I don't know if I want to forgive him for what he did, but I also don't want to regret not having tried to fight for us both. Forgiving him would mean accepting what happened and trying to move forward together. On the other hand, moving forward without him would mean trying to heal on my own and leaving him behind.

But I don't want to be alone, and I don't want to lose him, even though the feeling that dominates me now is that I have been alone for much longer than I thought.

I stare at the cold coffee on my table, I thought I'd be rested and that I'd be able to think more clearly after a night of sleep, but I couldn't sleep for even a minute, and today things seem even more confusing and painful than yesterday.

"I don't think you should ask for a divorce"

"What?!"

"Put an end to this and move on."

I stare at the woman sitting in front of me as if she had just said the most absurd thing in the world. And it really sounded that way.

“Can't you see the state I am in right now?”

“Yes, your sadness today is clear to me. Just like your happiness almost blinded me during these seven years.”

The cafeteria is more crowded than usual, people are moving back and forth, most seem late for appointments. Emma and I are the contrast to these people, we've been sitting for hours, and many of those minutes have been spent in complete silence. For some reason she was the person I called as soon as I woke up from the worst night of my life.

Emma became practically my confidante over the years. I met her shortly after moving to Monaco, on the first day of my new job. She has always been kind, always seemed to understand me, and it didn't take long for her to become more than just a work colleague. Even after leaving the company after a few years, I didn't stop keeping in touch with her.

I know she has been married for over 30 years, and I also know that she is a very intelligent woman. So it made sense to me to arrange this meeting.

"Have you been through this?”

She says with such certainty that I should forgive him that it's almost like a confession.

“I've been married for thirty-two years. What do you think?"

"And was it like that? Did you just forgive him?”

“No. It was a lot of struggle, we almost gave up.”

“What happened?”

“I was pregnant when he told me he was in love with someone else and wanted to leave me. Can you imagine that?"

Emma is one of the sweetest people I know. Imagining her going through that makes me even more disturbed.

“How did I not know about this?”

“No one knows about it. I promised myself I wouldn't tell a soul.”

“Why are you telling me now?"

"Because you need to.” The woman continues to stare at me as she takes a small sip of her cappuccino. “No one can make the decision for you. But know that if you take him back, you will have to forget what happened and never bring it up again. On the other hand, you can achieve so much more together.”

I rest my head in my hands. I thought this conversation would bring clarity, but I'm even more confused now.

"I don't know, Emma. It's so complicated.”

"It's not easy, Y/n. It's a marriage, everything requires sacrifices. And sometimes those sacrifices are our principles. But if you love each other and want to give it another try, the rest can be fixed."

The thoughts and possibilities rush through me so quickly that I can't focus on just one. I promised myself I wouldn't go through this, but experiencing it firsthand, it's much more complex than I imagined. It's not just a simple 'yes' or 'no'. What's at stake is much bigger.

"Why don't you go out with some friends? It'll help clear your mind. Sometimes a hangover makes us think better about life."

I chuckle at your unusual request.

"I don't think that's a good idea. I'm exhausted."

"Staying in this spiral of sadness and doubt that he put you in won't help you, that I know."

I look at the woman in front of me for a few seconds, but I don't respond to her. The idea doesn't sound as absurd as it did seconds ago, but I don't think my exhaustion and melancholy would allow me to do something like that.

The woman gives me a kind smile, but I can sense pity in her gaze, which only makes me feel more ashamed and guilty.

"I need to go now," she says.

Emma gets up and grabs her coat, and I do the same.

"Thank you for listening to me.”

"You're welcome. You know I'm here for you anytime.”

As we leave the coffee shop, I feel the cold wind of the day wrapping around me. I put on my coat before turning to the woman one last time. Emma pulls me into a hug that I wasn't expecting, but I nestle into her arms, grateful for the chance to see her and for her willingness to help me.

"You'll know what to do when the time is right. And know that you'll never be alone, no matter what decision you make," her voice comes out softly in the midst of our embrace.

"Thank you so much," I say.

We part, and Emma continues to look at me for a moment before she starts to move. I watch her leave the street as she walks away calmly.

I get into the G-Wagon parked in front of the café, and I spend a few minutes staring at the steering wheel in my hands. I don't feel like going home. Even though he's not there, the idea of being surrounded by his things and his scent makes me anxious.

I look around the car and can visualize him in the passenger seat, with his mischievous smile and sparkling eyes. I remember how we used to travel together, planning adventures and sharing laughter along the way. Now, everything feels different.

I left everything behind to come here, to rebuild my life by his side. I faced different people, different cultures, a different language, but I had him by my side, so I didn't mind the barriers I encountered. Because I knew everything would be okay as long as I was with him. I've never regretted leaving what I left behind, even though I left a lot.

I contemplate before reaching for my bag and taking out my phone.I skip through all the unread messages from Lewis and go to her name in my contacts list. I feel anxious as I wait for the call to be answered.

The amber liquid goes down my throat, burning, but it burns less than the last shot seconds ago.

I slam the glass back on the round table and pop the small slice of lemon into my mouth, feeling the sour taste cut through the burning sensation of the drink.

I've lost count of how many of these I've had already. But I don't care about drinking too much now, because for the first time in weeks, I don't feel as suffocated.

I could become an alcoholic if it meant finding some peace from my own thoughts.

I reach for my phone inside my bag and stare at the lock screen. The small icon of his photo stares back at me.

“35 New messages”

Since yesterday they haven't stopped coming. I haven't responded to our conversation, but I can still read the messages. A mix of “please” and “let's talk” and a bunch of other things that make me want to drink even more.

Alessia sits back in front of me after returning from the bar with a drink in her hand. She notices my serious expression and looks at me with attentive eyes.

"Are you going to tell me what happened now?" She asks, leaning towards me.

The busy bar isn't too far from Alessia's place, and the bustle around us are louder than I'd prefer. The piano music plays softly, and despite the chatter of people, I can still hear Alessia's words clearly. Ever since we met at this bar, Alessia has been trying to get out of me what she knows is wrong.

She knows me very well. Too well, I would say. It would be impossible to keep something as significant as this a secret from her, but I don't want to have to talk about it at the only time I can deceive myself and pretend it's not happening.

"It's complicated. I don't think here is the right time or place. I just want to be able to drink with my best friend tonight."

Alessia tilts her head, studying me intently. She knows I'm avoiding it, but she's also familiar with my stubbornness.

"Okay. But you're going to have to talk to me sooner or later."

I nod at her as I put my phone back in my bag.

"Tell me. How are the preparations for the move going?" I ask her.

I try to shift the topic of conversation, and fortunately, I succeed. Alessia's eyes light up when I mention my curiosity.

"An organized mess." She responds with a smile. "Everything is in chaos in the gallery, with boxes everywhere. I'm moving just a few blocks away but it feels like I'm moving to another country with so much to do. But I'm really glad I got that spot."

I can't help but smile as I listen to her. I know how much she's been looking forward to this moment, and her joy is contagious.

"The location is perfect, it will help a lot with business.”

"Well, I hope so. This effort has to be worth something. At least it's almost over."

"Do you already have the opening date?"

She nods as she takes a sip of her drink.

"I organized the inauguration cocktail even before starting the move." I chuckle with her. "It's going to be on Saturday. So make sure to arrange to go."

"Of course, I will."

The conversation with Alessia flows for a few more minutes as we share laughs and more drinks.

I'm already feeling buzzed, but the more we talk and drink, the calmer I feel. We're immersed in our conversation when the waiter suddenly approaches, placing an elegant glass on the table in front of me. The transparent liquid inside the glass shines under the soft bar light.

"A dry martini for the lady," the waiter says with a smile, pushing the glass towards me.

"I didn't order that." I say to the waiter, looking confused.

The waiter points to a man sitting at one of the high stools at the bar, who looks our way and raises his whisky glass in a suggestive gesture. He appears to be in his early thirties, with dark hair and a mischievous smile on his face.

"It was the gentleman at the bar who ordered it for you," the waiter explains before walking away.

I look back at the man in the bar, surprised, as he gazes at me with a confident look. He raises his whisky glass in a suggestive toast.

Alessia glances at the man and then turns her inquisitive gaze back to me, clearly confused about what's happening. I shrug and take a sip of the drink, trying to appear indifferent. The bitter taste of the drink mixed with the sensation of the ice in my mouth makes me realize that it's a well-made martini.

“Jesus, either he didn't notice this giant diamond on your finger, or he's confident enough to be an asshole.”

“Maybe he's just curious.”

She looks at me and just by her expression, I can decipher her thoughts. On a normal day, I would decline the drink, send it back, not touch it, or do something like that. But today, I just accepted it willingly, with a smile on my face, from the stranger who bought me an unrequested drink. So I understand the reason for her confusion in her expression.

Alessia is a smart woman who knows me well. I can almost hear the moment when it clicks for her. But she doesn't say anything, just shakes her head negatively.

“What's wrong? Why are you looking at me as if accepting the drink was a crime?”

“I didn't say anything.”

“You don't need to say anything with that look.”

She laughs.

“I just wasn't expecting that reaction, but whatever.”

The sound of Alessia's cellphone interrupts us, she reaches for her phone in her bag, rolling her eyes as she looks at the screen.

"Oh my God, they really can't do anything without me in that place," she says, getting up from her chair and preparing to move away. "Give me a minute, I need to take this call before the gallery catches fire or something."

"Sure," I say, chuckling as I watch Alessia walk away from the table until she's out of sight.

I turn my gaze back to the man who is still watching me, a small smile on his lips. His desire is evident, but my interest in him is as nonexistent as my desire for a dry martini tonight.

But I accept the drink, and now I gaze at the man with curiosity. Not because I want anything with him, but because I wonder what it would take for me to do to Lewis what he did to me. Definitely much more than an attractive man buying me a drink. I still know this, even though I'm angry and drunk to the point of not thinking about how it would further affect my situation.

I hate this stranger for making me go back to thinking about Lewis when I was managing to deceive myself so well for a few minutes.

I watch the man get up from his seat and slowly walk towards me. I don't know why he thought he was entitled to all these actions, and I have no interest in talking to him now, but I still don't move to stop him. I stay in my seat with my eyes fixed on him, waiting to see what will happen.

His posture is impeccable, and he seems to be over 6 feet tall. His suit is flawless, and the watch on his wrist looks expensive. He is an attractive man for more than just these things. But even so, I couldn't be less interested.

"I've been trying to choose a drink for you for a while." He says as he gets close enough.

"And what made you think a dry martini would be a good idea?"

"It's an elegant drink, and you seem like a very elegant woman, so it made sense." He smiles.

"Thank you." I smile back at him.

"I'm Henry," he says, extending his hand, expecting a handshake.

"Y/n." I say, extending my left hand to him. He looks at it while shaking it. The ring on my finger is not something that would go unnoticed, especially to someone interested in flirting with me. But that realization doesn't stop him from being here, with the same smile and the same posture.

"So, did I make the right choice?" he asks.

My drunkenness and thoughts make me take a few seconds to realize he's talking about the drink he sent me.

"Well, to be honest, that wouldn't have been my first choice," I laugh nervously. "I prefer something sweeter. But thank you, it was very kind of you."

The unwavering smile remains on his face. Meanwhile, I struggle to maintain minimal eye contact. Regret and anxiety flood me for having accepted the drink and not having avoided the conversation.

"Let me buy you another drink then, one that you like this time," he laughs. "I'm staying at the hotel across the street and maybe we could continue the night there..."

"I'm married," I say, hoping to make the man realize my lack of interest and leave. But that's not what happens.

"I noticed," he says, seemingly unfazed. "But you accepted the drink, so I didn't think it would be an issue."

He says it as if it were a simple math equation, as if it were obvious that I would want to sleep with him in exchange for a fucking dry martini, even though I'm married.

At least I have the answer for Alessia: he saw my ring and has enough confidence to be an asshole.

I don't respond to him immediately. I just stare at the man in front of me, trying to process the audacity of someone making such a crude assumption.

“Is everything okay?” I feel Alessia's hands on my back. She says to me as she glares at him, there is clear anger in her features directed at the man.

"Thanks for the drink," I say as I grab my purse and stand up from the table. I have to concentrate when I put my feet on the floor so I don't end up falling due to drunkenness.

I walk to the exit of the bar and head towards Alessia's car, which is parked a few meters from the front of the place. I hear her footsteps behind me.

"What happened?" she asks.

My heart is racing, and I don't even know why. What happened in there wasn't anything that hadn't happened before, but for some reason, it affected me to the point of wanting to cry. I didn't realize it would be such a big trigger for me.

"Nothing. I just..."

And then it happens. What has been pent up finally surfaces, and I burst into tears. The wave of emotion is so overwhelming that I can barely stay on my feet. I know there are people outside the bar staring at me now, but I couldn't hold it back even if I tried.

In an attempt to have more privacy, Alessia retrieves her car key from her purse, unlocks the passenger door, and guides me inside. She doesn't say anything, but holds my hand and waits for me to calm down.

I know my sobs echo through the car, but I couldn't keep them down even if I tried. I denied myself this feeling, and I knew it would take over me sooner or later.

I don't know how much time passes there. I am silently embraced by my best friend, who holds my hand firmly as if she feels that I might slip away at any moment.

"He cheated on me," the words come out between sobs. I watch her posture change beside me. "In September, Alessia."

"Son of a bitch," she whispers, and I'm not sure if it's directed at me or herself.

"I thought nothing was wrong. He was distant, but after everything, it was normal for that to happen," I break my gaze from Alessia and look down at our connected hands. "But then I found a fucking bracelet in his car. And a few days later, I found out who it belonged to."

"Did you talk to him?” Her voice is low, as if she's not sure if asking me something like that would be helpful or not in my situation.

I nodded at her before continuing to speak.

"I saw her, Alessia. I looked into her eyes while she confirmed to me that she was with my husband. I've never felt so ugly, ridiculous, and humiliated in my life."

I give myself a few seconds to try to calm down, but every time I start speaking again, the tears and despair come flooding back.

"He told me that I was distant, that I changed after the diagnosis. He tried to justify what he did" I say, feeling Alessia's hand gripping mine tightly, providing comfort. "I don't know what to do now."

I look back at her, and I can see the emotion in her eyes.

"You know what to do, Y/n. Look at yourself now, if this isn't a cry for help, I don't know what is. The only problem is that the only person who can get you out of this is yourself."

She pulls me into a tight hug, and we stay like that for some time.

"I'm so sorry. Truly, deeply sorry," She say, pulling away from the hug, but Alessia stays close to me. "I swear, I could kill him right now."

"I know," I manage to smile through my tears. "But I don't think that would solve much."

Alessia backs away from me when she realizes I have calmed down, and she starts the car.

"You can stay at my place as long as you want," she says, releasing the handbrake and preparing to drive out of the parking spot.

"No. I want to go home," I reply.

Alessia looks back at me.

"Y/n, I don't think it's a good idea. Stay with me for a few days, try to think about it away from him,"

"No, I don't want to run away. I shouldn't have even left home today." She keeps staring at me with the steering wheel in her hands. "Please, I need this."

Alessia looks at me for a few seconds before sighing in defeat.

"Alright."

The drive home isn't long. I try to calm down during the journey, but the closer we get, the more I feel the urge to turn back. I know I have to resolve this situation and make a decision soon, but I'm afraid of saying goodbye to the only good thing I've ever had in my life.

Author's notes: Thanks for your patience in waiting until now, and... CHAPTER 5 IS OUT NOW! GO, GO, GO!!

Taglist:

@slafgoalskybaby, @justanormalfangirlsworld, @ravenqueen27, @nakamotosmoron, @supersanelyromantic, @maryseesthings, @bebesobrielo, @tenaciousathleteoperatorgarden, @bbhyunee, @missamericana69, @thotsposts.

If you want to be put on, or taken off my taglist, please let me know!

#au fanfiction #lewis hamilton #lewis hamilton fluff #lewis hamilton smut #lewis hamilton x reader #f1 x reader #fanfiction #smut fanfiction #f1 fanfic #f1 imagine #lewis hamilton angst #angst fanfic

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pokememes · 9 days

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I have thoughts on ttpd

And I don’t know where else to share them without my criticisms and qualms being written off as blind hatred so here goes

Quantity over quality was definitely the motto with this one. She said at one of the eras shows that this album was when she needed writing more than ever. That doesn’t however, mean that everything she wrote needed to be on this album. Part of what makes an album good is an artists ability to edit their songs into a cohesive work.

Going off of that last point: I blame the vault tracks. Swift and her team saw how much people loved the vault tracks and went overboard with the concept of “give the people more.” The vault tracks worked so well because they felt like a bonus. When the whole album feels like “vault tracks” it loses some of the allure.

The concept is pretty weak overall. The aesthetic that was used to market the album only fits about half of the songs. I was hoping for literary references beyond just name dropping various poets and artists but so far Cassandra is the closest that I can recall that actually references poetry. I’m sure there’s some connections I’m missing so please enlighten me, (my academic background is in art history, not literature).

I feel like conceptually there are at least two albums here. The first is the actual ttpd concept of poetic sad songs, and then there’s a second set of songs that feel much more modern and feel like they belong on a different album (Florida!!!, down bad, imgonnagetyouback, etc.). I wish she would’ve taken the double album concept all the way and grouped the songs into more cohesive narratives.

Imgonnagetyouback is the exact same idea as get him back! by Olivia Rodrigo. I just feel like there’s some irony there because didn’t Taylor sue Olivia for something similar (I don’t know the ins and outs of that whole situation so forgive me if I’m missing some nuance)? Not that two people can’t write about the same thing but something about these two songs in particular seems too similar. They don’t sound the same but specifically the lines “key his car… make him lunch” in Rodrigo’s and “be your wife … smash up your bike” in Swift’s are the exact same “domestic tasks/destroy vehicle” dichotomy. Idk man something isn’t quite right about the whole thing to me.

A lot of the lyrics do not fit the melodies AT ALL. so many lines feel oddly paced, either stretched out where they shouldn’t be or too many words crammed in. The melody should fit the lyrics and it’s just not happening in this album as a whole. So many of the lyrics are just too wordy and awkward. Poetry doesn’t need to be long to be good.

Some of the lyrics are just so bad that they take me out of the song. I’m sure anyone that’s read this far can think of a few instances that made them pause. Hearing the words “finance guy” in a song was absolutely jarring.

Overall I just feel like it’s a poor representation of her abilities. She’s shown that she can write better. Her other albums were better sonically. There’s just nothing about this that is phenomenal. Very few memorable songs. No standout radio hits. It’s not the worst album ever made but it’s just so mediocre.

This album was made for a specific type of fan; someone who is up to date on her personal life and will listen to find Easter eggs, someone who will buy all of the vinyls just to complete their collection, someone who will love these songs just because they are Taylor Swift songs. I think every fan can find a few songs they like but I’d be shocked if anyone could genuinely say that they enjoy every song on this album, or that they think this album is one of Taylor’s better releases.

#ttpd #taylor swift #the tortured poets department #criticism and thoughts #media criticism

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fallensnowfan · 1 year

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“The resolution of this incident the following day would inflict a kind of shock the world never saw coming.” The words that set the stage for the event that will take place surrounding the Straw Hats beyond chapter 1078.

Each time we’ve seen a major battle where an Emperor has been involved, one side is usually completely devastated by the end. At Marineford, the Whitebeard Pirates lost their captain and a division commander. Kaido and Big Mom’s alliance was thoroughly torn down by the Ninja-Pirate-Mink-Samurai alliance.

As part of the lead up to Wano, chapter 909 gives a reminder of Marineford, before Marco tells Neko that the crew later regrouped to fight Blackbeard.

Forget Blackbeard having two devil fruits, the important thing is that going after an Emperor without allies or merely for the sake of revenge is asking to fail, as much as that stings. Recklessness or going it alone won’t work against an Emperor. I know it’s a joke in some parts of the fandom that Oda likes being mean to the Whitebeard Pirates, but it’s kinda true.

I love Whole Cake Island, though it is a miracle among miracles that the Straw Hats and co made it out of Totland with such few losses. There’s still a part of me that feels that things lined up a bit too well for them there at the end, even accounting for Luffy’s tremendous luck. My own thoughts on the escape from Whole Cake Island aside, the crew reaching Laughtale will feel much better the less allies all come out of the woodwork at the most convenient time.

Getting back to chapter 909, Marco’s words here likely resonated with the big kitty next to him, Neko being a retainer of Oden who is preparing to fight a big war and has a similar motive. Marco wanting to “make that ingrate pay,” sounds a lot like a dark version of returning a favor. Difference is, preparation for the raid on Onigashima has been building for the past 20 years for the characters, and since Punk Hazard for the readers. The samurai having the Straw Hats specifically on their side is a major boon too. I love Hyogoro’s line about the crew turning despair into hope.

The Straw Hats are folks who had no prior connections to Kaido, and who could go into the battle with clearer heads. Which allowed the samurai focus their energy where it was most needed, after their role in starting off the raid by getting the jump on Kaido in that very cool panel. Whether that be facing an opponent other than Kaido, overcoming a setback for the sake of others, or realizing there is a future for them beyond the battle. Several parts of Wano feel like they are subverting the Marineford War or the Payback War that the Whitebeard remnants fought. Especially in scenes where Luffy, Marco, or Izo are involved.

And that brings us to Law and Kidd this arc. One got into a battle against Blackbeard, the other Shanks. During Wano, both had an alliance to depend on, willingly or not. Though that is no longer the case for the two of them and I can’t say that I’ve got high hopes for either succeeding against the respective Emperor’s crew they are facing.

The Straw Hats are the Emperor’s crew now and have taken the time to gather allies who could assist them, or in the case of the Grand Fleet, had them join anyway. Major three are Fishman Island and Wano flying the crew’s Jolly Roger, and the Grand Fleet.

Jinbei is here as rep for Fishman Island/the Sun Pirates, the Grand Fleet appearing has been heavily foreshadowed, and given everything about Kiku during Wano’s conclusion, several members of Wano’s cast being directly mentioned by Straw Hats on Egghead, and the many ideas that play well with themes present in Kiku’s story, I find it difficult to come up with any solid counter points to the most floral member of the Akazaya joining the Straw Hats and filling a similar role to Jinbei in the story. I’m thinking Denjiro in 975 is a good example to look at for how parts of Kiku’s potential reveal could happen. Subduing a big threat, speaking of owing a great debt, leading reinforcements. Bonus points if the weather machine on Egghead gets broken and the snow surrounding the island slowly closes in.

#one piece #post-wano arc #straw hat pirates #whitebeard pirates #akazaya nine #luffy #marco #whitebeard #nekomamushi #okiku #eustass kidd #killer #trafalgar law #shanks #blackbeard #one piece spoilers

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tarotnoob · 2 years

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PAC: Lunar Eclipse & full moon messages

Please choose your pile (all are Death aka Scorpio cards from different decks) and scroll for your message(s).

Sorry for typos. Sometimes I voice to text the readings onto my phone, and yeah, Google gets a lot of words wrong :D

ABSOLUTELY, there are a couple of piles that feel connected, so if you feel drawn to do so, read as many as you like.

Pile 1

Release: Procrastination and fear of failure (to pursue something you have a desire for)

Even though there are times when I am super skeptical about tarot and spirituality, here I am shuffling and asking okay what messages disparate have in relation to the lunar eclipse and you get the lunar eclipse card out of this whole deck. I will say this again, this person makes amazing decks. That's the celestial bodies, and I have her she wolfe tarot which has become a favorite of mine very quickly.

This is a little heavy after clarification but first of all lunar eclipse and this lets your fears dissolve are similar in that both can be about a release or unconscious fears. Lunar eclipses can also distort the light on the moon to make it red. Lunar eclipses are when the moon passes through the shadow of the Earth. So, we are talking about probably an emotional issue. Maybe one that is a bit distorted. It could directly have to do with releasing fears during this full moon. And since it's full moon in Scorpio, deep seated, unconscious fears.

This is going to sound vague because I'm not going to go into specific situations that each individual is going through. But we have nine of cups and ace of cups. Again, we have two water cards, we know likely this is a very emotional issue. Or every single one of you is huge in water placements lol. But essentially this looks like a longing for something. The something can be a lot of things. But after clarification I have nine of cups is clarified by King of swords and I just accidentally said nine of swords for some reason, so that could be something. And ace of cups is clarified by potentially a reversed tower and at the back was devil.

It feels like something that you have been thinking about a lot lately or even something you have been thinking about for a long period of time. You might be overanalyzing the situation or have been trying to look at it very logically. You might also have been trying to make a decision about what to do next or what you can do to get closer to this goal or dream. And it's also something that would make you incredibly happy to have or do. But there seems to be some anxiety about whether you're going to get it or how to get it. The ace of cups even almost looks like the tower in this card. When it's the tower, upright, it tends to be more external. In this case, it could be more of an internal change. Overall, what it looks like to me is something internally that needs to be shaken up around fear and emotions and a desire for something that you want. You might be scared of this change happening even though you want it, it could be this fear of change that's been preventing you from taking a step toward your goal. This could be anything you're passionate about, if there's some kind of dream goal or job or project that you've wanted to work on. Especially one that I feel is kind of like a birthing process. I mean it could be literally talking about childbirth but I see this as like giving birth to something that means a lot to you, such as publishing a piece of our or releasing something. Just as examples. And maybe there is a fear that when you do put this out there into the world, that it's going to be a complete disaster. Which maybe is the hesitation or why it's taken so long to do it because you're scared to. It could also be for things like asking someone out, moving, maybe even speaking your mind about something to someone that you care about. Since the devil was at the back when I looked for what was going on with the tower, it would make sense that there's some type of self-doubt or vices or hesitation, crutches.

Overall the general advice for pile one is whatever your circumstances are, you need to let go of the fear that it's not going to work out, that it's going to fail, that it's going to be a disaster. The cards want you to release your fear and go for it. The outcome doesn't necessarily matter. What matters is the process of you going through with it. I'm sure there are situations where we could be like maybe that's not a good idea lol. But it would be pretty rare. That's because I'm thinking of dumb things like should I go ahead and try out to be a trapeze artist when I have no experience and I have a fear of heights. I mean he could try that if you want, it doesn't sound like a great idea but I guess you have to start somewhere lol. I also wonder if maybe you failed at something related to this before. Like let's say you tried to become a singer and you released a song on YouTube and about 10 people hit like anywhere like okay flop. So maybe that also adds to the hesitation of trying this. It doesn't feel like it's something new. I mean the ace of cups is here. It would make sense for an ace to come out after a full moon because this is a fresh new start. But there's a lot of fear around the fresh start as opposed to the thing that you want. It could even be that you don't feel like you deserve to be happy come up for a lot of you it's just going to be a fear of change. Since the let your fears dissolve is the cancer card, this could have to do with the family, moving, a feeling of emotional stuckness or being unhappy. I also see something to do with slower movement. Maybe you've been procrastinating on this as well because the crab is there on the card, crabs can probably move pretty fast but I mean they're not the fastest animal and in the lunar eclipse card what I see in the image is a snail. So I also feel like there's slow progress here. And I think it's more like you've been dragging your feet about something and you've been dragging your feet about something because actually you're nervous about the results or failing.

And I think you've even spent time like analyzing why you haven't done this yet and you just kind of go around in circles. So I think the advice here is to make a decision to do it, be honest with yourself, stop procrastinating, acknowledge that nothing will change in this area until you attempt it. Because as long as you aren't attempting it, absolutely nothing is going to happen. At least if you fail, you can reroute or sure yeah maybe you could realize okay maybe this isn't the path for me but one failure doesn't mean that everything you do thereafter is going to be a failure. And since the tower was coming out flipped for me and I didn't know where to put it, I also feel like the results aren't going to be nearly as bad as you think. In fact, you may see positive results. But even if it's not like a brilliant success at first, I think that you will see more results from it than any type of failings. Like, you'll actually come away even if it doesn't completely meet your expectations, you will have a feeling of a confidence boost for at least trying and going through the experience.

Also, the cancer season may be significant for something regarding this. Like you may have results for something if you do it now by cancer season. Or the next full moon in cancer or perhaps you are a cancer or someone involved in the situation is. Although air signs are also here and we have Mars energy. It's possible someone has a water Mars or you don't know that I feel that it's an Air Mars. But if you have a Mars in Cancer... This message could be specifically for you. But that doesn't really matter. So yeah release your fear of failure, stop procrastinating, the results might turn out better than you think. And if you've been thinking about it this long, go ahead and proceed. I wonder if maybe instead of being emotional about it like I'm scared of failure, maybe just take the logical approach which is I have no idea what's going to happen until I actually do it. I literally can't have results until I do it. So there's no point in listening to the fear.

But yeah if the cards say let your fears dissolve, let them dissolve. Or at the very least, don't be afraid of change because new things will come in and since it's a cup, it can be some type of relationship or a really exciting project. Or something that would make you extremely happy if you just went for it.

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Pile 2

Release: Control and perfectionism

Wow, strong energy for pile two. Also, the monology cards, there were two or three others that wanted to come out that I didn't realize were on the floor. And I was already like I'm not going to take three, but I noticed it was Virgo so it made sense since there was already Virgo energy that had come through. Anyway lots of earth sign energy. We have Capricorn, Virgo, the devil is also a Capricorn card. We have cancer energy. And we have again Virgo and Gemini in the magician card.

Also three majors. Mutable is all of the mutable signs plus the message of flexibility. Hey Alexa what are the mutable astrology signs Virgo, Gemini, Sagittarius, Pisces. So we have Virgo and Gemini energy again.

You may be any of those signs or dealing with someone who has these placements.

I think this is probably going to have the same energy that pile one was receiving which just means that the eclipse and full moon in Scorpio are pushing everybody in the same direction which is to stop procrastinating about what they want and to not wait for something to happen but to take control or to take action.

I wonder if assess the situation is a negative part of these messages in that maybe there has been so much time spent about what to do or why am I not doing it or just thinking about it instead of doing it. Granted, it could also be telling you that you need to have a plan and make sure you pay attention to details, especially with so much Virgo here happening. In particular I would think that a lot of this would have to do with career since Capricorn is here. It could also be that you've tried to plan every little detail about your career or studies, without allowing for much flexibility.

Since the devil is here, for one it's bringing that Capricorn and Saturn energy in which again makes me think about work but we know the devil card also means bad coping mechanisms or devices or self-doubt. So that's why I wonder either it's a case of not having a plan or planning too much. I'd lean more toward trying to plan everything out and not allowing for flexibility. Maybe being too strict. But what would make the most sense given the chariot and magician here is that there is something that you want to manifest. The devil tells me that you aren't putting everything into bringing it in and the chariot talks about either control or taking control. So again two situations where either you are trying to control the outcome too much or you are procrastinating. First pile had more of that issue with procrastinating I think. I do think that you need to allow more flexibility into the way you are seeing something that has to do with career. I think there's a lot of worrying about okay what's going to happen if this or what's going to happen if I don't do this or what's going to happen if I don't get into the right school or if I don't meet the right people or I don't get into this program etc my life is ruined.

It could also be that you don't feel like you have any control, maybe there is somebody else taking the reins and not allowing you to have enough freedom and control that you want. And maybe the solution is to have a clear understanding of what's going on with this person and then stand up for yourself. But that would be a message for only a few because trust all will be well makes me think that no matter what, the situation is going to work out the way that it should be. And maybe enjoying the journey to the destination should be more a part of your lifestyle. It's even possible that some of you are overworking in an attempt to exert control. It also feels a bit like witchcraft. But like someone doing black magic. I don't know why I get that vibe but they could be one person out there who is trying to get what they want, trying to take control of the situation, and trying to manifest shortcuts or manifest through means that aren't really great or nice. Even wishing ill will upon others so that you can succeed or maybe your path to success is so important to you, you don't really mind stepping on other people on your way to the top.

When I pulled up those other moonology cards we have I think it through forgive and focus on the positive.

So it does seem like there is some kind of baggage here, there's also something that you have to put some thought into, and also to have more faith in the universe or in this situation or even yourself.

Because maybe the devil is next to the chariot in that you tend to rush into something. Like it's so important that you get what you want or manifest this thing that you tend to barrel through in some way. And while success or power or prestige could be important to you, I guess I do see the following as potential double issues: going into fast without thinking, control issues, having a lack of faith in yourself or the universe or your ability. Maybe you do need to take a look at the situation. As in with the double here it makes me think that you are aware of the issue already. And if it's a block or a negative way of thinking, then just being aware is the first step, and then taking some sort of action and then having faith. I understand now why the fool is at the back of the tarot deck because that's the same kind of message.

It's also interesting that you have six seven and one on your tarot. Virgo is the sixth house. Capricorn is the 10th house which reduces to one. Chariot is the fourth house.

So that makes me feel like I'm going to associate the devil with the Virgo cards, I am pulling to put the magician with the Capricorn card. I am going to put the chariot with the mutable cards because chariot makes me think of moon and cancer and emotions and mutable makes me think of changing emotions. Don't ask me okay it's just an intuitive thing.

So looking at it after pairing everything up. It does make me feel like the message is to loosen control. Not be so dogmatic about how you proceed or your beliefs. Also if you have a lot of irritability or mood swings around the idea of situations where you don't have control and looking at that.

Since the magician is about manifesting, and I've paired it with step up and lead. This is new energy. This is energy I would expect after the full moon, so I feel like it's saying after this weekend or just this is a point where you are being asked to step up and lead. And when I think Capricorn, I do think career or studies. Work ethic. Like with the last pile and I told them not to procrastinate, this could be that now is the time to get moving on something that you want to manifest. That this is the time for you to not just sit around and think about it but for you to put in the effort it would take to see some results about whatever idea or thing that you've been dreaming about. And it doesn't matter what it is, most likely it's going to be work related. But it could be other things that have to do with your 10th house or some Capricorn placement or a Capricorn in your life. Earth signs can have a stilted way of looking at things or saying things, so if you are an earth sign who struggles with that, maybe that can be something to work on. But overall I just feel like you have a strong power at this time to manifest things regarding your career. Especially if you release some of the control in terms of results or that things have to happen a certain way or even in your emotions I guess something about your emotions or perceiving things, is a bit too rigid. I suppose it could be the opposite and someone is a bit more too flaky. It could be two that someone has their moon in one of the mutable signs. And something about that placement could pose some resistance in your career at this time or something to do with daily routines.

Now let's look at the new moon and Virgo which I paired with the devil based on numbers. And also assess the situation. So since the devil is here, these would probably things that you struggle with so having faith in the results and maybe either overanalyzing a situation or not putting enough planning or thought into it. These make sense is the vices to me.

Besides this being about career situations, it could be something to do with health right now or something to do with your daily routine since this is what Virgo rules. There could be a particular health issue that maybe you should have evaluated by doctors, it could be that you're being very pessimistic about the result of a situation. It could be that you don't have all the information you need right now and are fearing the worst but this card says trust all will be well.

Overall though this might be a repeat of pile one in that there could be doubts around whether the thing you're trying to manifest will ever come about or if you're doing it the right way or if this choice or this choice is going to screw up your manifestation and then it won't come. Because there is a sense of wanting to control or have control in a situation where you're trying to make something happen and yet the devil is popping up going You're overthinking this or you think that you're going to fail or you're trying to control everything or you're procrastinating and not doing all of the effort. Take what resonates for you but it does seem like there needs to be more flexibility in the way that you think. We have a lot of thinking energy with Virgo and Gemini coming in. And then we're being told okay you have to be more flexible. And the overly analytical cards are being paired with the devil while step up and lead, the only card about a really positive action is paired up with magician and those two meanings fit so well together anyway.

So whatever has been going on for you to feel like something you want isn't happening the way you want or at the pace you want, I would guess that some of it has to do with how you're going about it in the sense of the actions that you're taking toward the result. To me, what would most likely be getting in the way would be too much control or laziness and procrastination, maybe fear of failure. I don't really feel the last one as much but it's a possibility that there's something going on that's emotional if it's also playing a part which could be fear or frustration, things that are emotion-based.

And even in the previous pile I thought maybe the answer was to approach more logically in the sense that don't let emotions rule over what you do or don't do. What makes the most sense in the situation? I feel like it's emotion-based if you have something you want and you're like okay well I'm not going to try because I'm scared I'm going to fail. That might be analytical to some because you're overthinking but really it's an emotion-based response and a logical approach would be something more like well there's no reason for me to think it's going to fail if I haven't even tried. Or I'm not going to know the result of this until I put some action toward it. It can be a lot of things.

And yeah when I look at the chariot the magician the devil. What are the possible situations you could see from those three cards. Feeling like the thing you're trying to manifest won't come about, feeling like you need control over this result or needing to have control over when and how it happens, not leaving enough room for the universe to do its part and do it how and when it's supposed to happen. I guess it's because I feel like all of that is going to be true for the people who read this pile. Like some of you aren't lazy but it's just you might be too high strung. However, what the two groups would have in common is that there's something about control and direction. Being anxious because you have no control I guess. We're thinking you have no control we're thinking you need all of the control. Or going to fast into something new without assessing the situation first. It just depends. That's probably why so many signs are here because the way a Virgo approaches a situation is probably going to be different than the way a Gemini or a cancer might. Or even a Capricorn.

But I think okay so what are you going to do, well the advice is something has to give and you need to be more flexible in some way whether it's about the way you think or feel about something but it seems to have to do with control. The way you are thinking about this or approaching the situation which seems to be something you want out of your career, appears to be flawed because of the devil. So flexibility, taking action, having faith, I do think even though you could be overthinking the situation, I would guess that assessing this situation still is beneficial. Whether it's you needing to assess your self or there's something about your approach or the thing that you want, that needs a bit more planning and forward momentum in some area then you have been giving it. But mostly I just feel worrying about whether this thing is going to happen or happen the way that you want. Like there's forward direction and a desire to manifest something but then there's all these doubts about it or even not so great approaches to getting it or not very solid plan of action.

But yeah on the other hand there is so much strong earth energy which those are signs that are pretty practical and have their feet on the ground, so it does make me think there are people who are too inflexible and need to bring in more flexible energy.

Then there are people who maybe overwork and their daily routine is so much about work and being perfect that there's not a lot of time set away for having fun. Maybe your schedule's are just too busy.

But again I really feel that this is a mixed batch. They're going to be some of you who read this who are completely different from another person but still the message is about vices that have to do with how you go about making things happen, things that you want.

And some of you may actually be like mostly successful all of the time like everything you put your effort into does turn out really well like you could be excellent manifesters, but do you still take time to have fun? Is there something that you are missing out on? I wonder if this could be about why you want what you want? Like let's say you just want money and to be successful but you want it solely because you want to impress other people with all of the things that you can buy. There could be something like that there too.

There's a lot of different ways to interpret this. But I hope you'll consider the ones that match up with your situation and why you might feel like your manifestation is blocked or if you're just the type that gets impatient quickly if something doesn't happen for you fast enough. Because the chariot is very fast moving energy. And when I see it next to the magician, it makes me think that okay I want to control this manifestation because I need it to happen quickly. And it could be that what you want to manifest is sketchy or manifesting shortcuts is sketchy or simply a control issue around needing things to happen when you want, exactly how you want and the universe is like I think you're a bit greedy and you need to be a bit more flexible. Just have faith in the universe, do your part, make the plan but you can't control everything about it. Or even assess why you need things to happen exactly how you want. Are you a perfectionist? Because that is predominantly the energy here of someone who is like that. Like all the details need to be exactly right, happen at this time. I'm getting an image of a really pushy parent who's pushing their kids to take 80 million different classes and lessons because they expect them to grow up and be a doctor or lawyer or you could be the person putting pressure on yourself for everything to be perfect.

I feel the most strongly about that type of energy for this pile.

Even these sayings on the moonology cards could be stuff that you tell yourself or other people do. Step up and lead. Assess the situation. You're going to be successful and perfect. There's a lot of pressure here but it feels negative too because of the devil. Like how far can you go doing this for the wrong reasons or should I say unhealthy reasons.

Because eventually you could burn out.

So yeah. I feel like that was a bit all over the place because I think certain messages will apply to some people but mostly I feel perfectionist things and maybe allowing yourself not to be so perfect or pushing yourself so hard. I feel like you're really hard on yourself sometimes too like if I don't do this and I don't do it this way then it's not going to be right. Maybe you don't even let other people in because you like to be the one in charge and the type of person that always has to do things by themselves because they don't trust other people will do it as well as you. And I think since this is a full moon reading, this is something you have to let go of. Not everything can be perfect and people who think that things have to be perfect, have some of their own work to do about why they think that way. And to me it's partially a control issue.

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Pile 3

Release: taking things too seriously or the need to share ALL of your plans or feelings to too many people

Okay so a lot of moon energy happening here. We have new moon so we have a new phase that's beginning. Possibly fresh new energy. Maybe even new opportunities. This imum coeli is something that talks a lot about the fourth house or what sits on the cusp of your fourth house. Fourth house issues that have to do with family and the home or emotions. We also have the high priestess, also ruled by the moon or some may say Pisces. And then we have the Pisces card here with hanged man. We also have Scorpio energy with reveal what needs to be seen. Fitting for a Scorpio moon. We have Leo energy with lighten up. We have Taurus energy with be proud of yourself.

So overall the message is sort of like stop worrying, you got this. A lot of it is an inner child message of relaxing, bringing in a bit more fun, bringing in a bit more adventure. Taking things less seriously is the big thing. There might have been some things in the last cycle or even the last year or years where you've taken things so seriously or maybe there's even been situations with family or home that have been super serious. But in this new phase after this full moon clears out, you are really being asked to chill out, be less serious, have some fun, lighten up. You don't have to be yourself up because you have reasons to be proud of yourself. I'm guessing with such strong cards it's that you've done all of the spiritual work that you needed to do. Now it's like a moment where you can slow down from that. Maybe you spend too much time in the realms of spirituality and need to step out and go outside, act your age whatever that means, go be social. Don't just stay in a rut where everything has to be perfect or somehow you see it negatively that having fun means being immature. Now is a good time for you to take a pause, take a rest if things have been chaotic or you've been really busy with work. It's a good time to just sit and be receptive to whatever the universe is going to drop your way. You don't have to do any work. The last pile I feel like had to put some action into whatever they wanted to manifest whereas I feel like this pile has done the work and just needs to sit there and wait for it to come and consider that it's okay to just be silly.

I kind of want to clarify the Scorpio card so hold on. This is kind of interesting and feels more like a prophetic message for some of you. It could be other things but prophetically it could be that what you are going to receive might actually be a couple of things. It's very possible you could receive an offer or message from another person in regard to love or relationships. Particularly they could be a fire sign because I have page of cups, night of wands and seven of Wands. The seven of Wands could be like a gate. Like how that card said unseen so it's like there's a wall and on the other side what you're going to receive is this offer from this knight of Wands character but you aren't aware that if you just sit there and wait and enjoy life, this will come to you.

Another way to read this is since the last quarter moon in Scorpio would be closer to the full moon and something you might need to release. Even if you've probably done most of the work, maybe this is specifically related to the fourth house issues so a family situation or kids, moving home, feelings, intuition. There could be or may have been a pattern of resisting following your heart about something is what I want to say. Like there's some hesitation about something. And maybe the situation is what you took too seriously. Just as an example like maybe a situation a fight with a family member or friend, but somebody you care about who's close to you and you've put up a wall with them or they have or there's just something there that's emotional, you care about this person or the situation, but it's like there's a hesitancy to take action.

Or it could even be a situation where specifically this person is someone who is a bit overpowering and pushy and you care about them but maybe they have put up a wall or you've felt like you have to put up some boundaries with them. I'm just throwing out examples so take what resonates. For a lot of you I see it more as in the future. But I feel like it's also connected to the hanged man card where it's like, maybe the situation isn't as serious as you think or isn't at all what you think and you've kind of like reacted over defensively. And I feel more strongly that it's because emotions are involved like it hurts more because it's an issue with this person or it could be a situation that you're attached to. It could even be a dream that you've wanted like doing something creative and feeling like you have to defend yourself to family that you want to pursue it. And since Scorpio is here this could be something you're not even conscious of. So you might want to have a think about any situation where you immediately feel defensive around a particular person or something you're emotionally attached to in terms of a goal or dream or it can even be a belief, it could even be like a band you really like that you find really inspiring and some family member always makes fun of you for liking that. And like you get really upset about it but it's not that deep. I mean it could be but it's also a misunderstanding or one that could be easily dealt with by saying I don't really appreciate you saying that, these people mean a lot to me so I wish you would respect that. Those are examples.

Also for those of you that this is going to be a love interest, I wouldn't be surprised if on the last reading you picked I want to say pile three and I talked about manifesting someone where one or both of you would have your guard up a bit when you meet. Maybe even your instant impression of each other or this other person immediately has you on the defense for reasons you don't even know. It could also be specifically about the way they talk to you. I'm not saying that they talk badly to you, it just could be that something about when you start conversing, has you on the edge. It could also be a situation where this person incidentally says something and you take offense when they didn't mean anything by it. But it could be a situation where you are attracted to the person and then you kind of freak out. And in the knight of wands, I do see that this person could kind of mirror you so you might just be like that's scary lol. But the other cars are like you know don't take it so seriously like just let it go let it flow.

Compared to the other two piles I don't feel like you have any harsh words coming from the universe or lessons or anything you're doing particularly wrong like I said there's just that blip around to the reveal what needs to be seen. Which is either a prophetic message on how to deal with the situation in the future that you haven't seen yet or haven't seen coming so this would be like a new person probably, someone you don't know. Or it's some extra unconscious shadow work around feeling overly defensive about a dream. But there are ways to mix that around to different situations. Because page of cups and the knight of Wands can be about creative things and not just romantic things. But it can also be a hesitancy to move forward when it comes to a passion project that you just started. Scorpio has to do with beginnings and deaths ends rebirths. So there could be issues with starting a new again. Almost like if you tried something a couple of times and it didn't work out the way you want and you want to try again but you're also like worried about what other people will think. Anyway I'm sure you can imagine a situation like that with emotions involved and there's a desire to take action and then you have this seven with wands thing that's like I feel like I have to defend myself about this thing that I like or I feel like I'm the only one who sees it this way or I'm the only one who believes in myself. Whether it's something you need to work on yourself because it's unconscious or if it's something you have to reveal to someone else to talk about.

But yeah overall I just see there is probably some sentimentality, because that felt a lot like being sentimental about something and then being defensive about it because your sentimental about it lol and emotionally attached. Which can be what this fourth house energy is coming from too or there may be something in your fourth house that's at play. For some of you you're probably going to have your moon in your fourth house and maybe even moon in Pisces in fourth house. Or but there are a lot of moons this could be Taurus Leo Scorpio moon as well.

And like I said I really don't have any thing to be up on you about because there's something new coming, it could involve family stuff or a change in the home like relocation sure. There could be something like that coming up in the next few months, even up to Scorpio season. There could also be I mean this isn't just a love pile or just a work pile. But there is a lot of creative energy so it could be related to work. I also see Leo as being creative as well. When I think of Taurus I think about money or aesthetics so it does make me think of also besides having a potential love thing coming in, for this pile there might be a new work opportunity. Maybe even meet your person through this new work thing. But I think this pile is going to have big changes that happen relatively soon in work and love, maybe family, maybe as big as relocating. I feel like you're in the perfect position to receive a lot of really big things and changes and I think the cards are trying to reassure you and tell you not to freak out when all of the stuff starts happening and changing because maybe in the past you've been like I don't know if I can handle all of this even though I'm ready. So the cards are like it's going to be okay, there could be a lot of changes, they are going to be big and good changes but we know change is scary so just like sit chill. Look at this high priestess card she's like absolutely chill, you got the hang demand that's like the second most chill. You've got the fool that's like I'm not worried about anything. You've literally got cards that are like lighten up and be proud of yourself. So don't think you will you might a little but don't freak out. I'm actually one of those people where if somebody is like be chill it's going to be fine that makes me more inclined to do the opposite because I'm a pain in the ass.

So yeah the only little glitch here is the Scorpio card. I should probably actually read in the guidebook if there's a message I'm missing. Okay well it totally makes sense to read the guidebook some of the time. Basically this card is about there might be an issue you want to talk about but you might not want to talk about it right now so it's up to your discretion when and what you want to talk about regarding the issue. That's why it makes sense that we have someone like the page of cups that's about emotions and it's also about messages or communication, knight of Wands which can be a passionate, impulsive or spontaneous endeavor. And seven of Wands is like I don't want to page of cups about my knight of wands. I think brook said something about this when I was watching her live. And she pointed out not revealing part of your plan to everyone.

And people say that like when you have a dream, you shouldn't always share it because maybe someone's negative intentions or energy or negative things that they say will mess with your mind and your manifestation. In this case, that might be extra advice to whatever it is you are hoping for. And I see things like love and work stuff here and you might even have a sense of this starting because maybe you've been interviewing or it's just a feeling. I don't think at this time you need to reveal your hopes and dreams to everyone or even as it progresses. Don't put all that information out there on social media. I think that you will feel better if you keep it to yourself and maybe people you trust because they feel like you are really attached to this and emotional about it so if someone comes in and is like I don't think that's a smart idea or I don't think you have the experience to do that or blah blah blah blah blah. You don't need that energy so keep it to yourself for now or only reveal what you want.

Basically it's at your discretion to reveal what needs to be seen. And I am leaning more toward keeping it close to you, maybe even keeping it from family you know. Maybe your family are the ones most likely to be critical. So just sit and wait and be chill It's coming, I feel like you barely have to do any work, and be chill about the information you give out for right now. Especially if it's something you're really excited about.

---

Pile 4

Release: being sidetracked by failures or other sidequests in the face of achieving your true dream job/goal that is essentially your life path-destiny; may have been drawn to Pile 3 or 1 or all three piles

You got the same moonology card as pile 3. Okay so we have 10 of pentacles and 4 of swords and 5 of Wands. We have reveal what needs to be seen last quarter moon in Scorpio and 5th house. Which can have to do with your 5th house or 5th house in general which is Leo. We also have 2 5s so may or the number five may be relevant to you.

And we don't have any particular energy here except Scorpio and Leo.

I do kind of wonder if some people were drawn to three and four even though this doesn't really fit with pile three but I still feel like they could be connected and might have multiple messages for some of you. I'm also going to clarify too just because I want to be sure.

But before I do that so reveal what needs to be seen was a card about you might have things that are going on that you just don't want to talk about so it's up to you how much of that you want to reveal. For pile 3 they had such good energy that I felt like it was a good time to say maybe don't reveal everything you have planned, all of the good things happening in your life or manifestations or dreams. Don't be putting that out everywhere so that other people can come in with their negative energy.

So that's one thing. With 10 of pentacles for me these are issues about career, family, financial stability, legacy, yeah. Four of swords can be kind of like a break or it can even be a vacation or trip, if it were to involve another person and I thought this was a love reading, I see it as a soulmate card or past life card. Then we have the five of Wands which can be in internal or external conflict or even in the issue of light competition. My first inclination with just the tarot is potentially somebody needing to take a break from a conflict related to 10 of pentacles issues. So taking a break because of conflicts with health, conflicts in career, conflicts with family.

With fifth house, the things associated with that can be doing things that make you feel good, being brave, wanting recognition or attention, issues of loyalty, bold action.

This is the point I need to clarify because there are so many scenarios I'd rather narrow it down than start rambling for about an hour. And before that I will say the back of Jack was three of wands, the moon, hermit, tower. So I kind of reads like an overall theme of some uncertainty about a new journey that has started where you might feel alone in this new start or you might feel like something negative is going to happen if you pursue this route because there is so much uncertainty or even fear. In this case maybe the Scorpio card will mean something more abstract and isn't necessarily related to the guidebook definition.

Okay interesting. I almost wonder if this pile is like a prequel for pile three people. So we have 10 of pentacles is clarified by the star. But I still feel like that can mean a few things. Mostly you would think it would be a dreamer wish related to career or financial success or family or a legacy lol which is all the things I already talked about. It could be if it's career related to an online career. It could be that something about your career is really unique or your unique qualities are what will lead to a success in this particular thing which did I bring Leo into this at all Yes 5th house okay. It definitely reads like somebody who is looking for fame or recognition and leaving a legacy behind as well as all of that money and providing for family. That's what I'm getting so far. This could be you. It could even be somebody coming in. Or if someone comes in and together you achieve a pretty high level of fame or recognition in the public eye.

Personally, I think it's a combination of a lot of things. I think it's somebody who wants all of these things but they might particularly be thinking about I have a desire for stability. But they're also thinking a lot about I want a career where I'm famous or recognized for whatever I do and I'm also recognized for being different or special or a rebel. What you do in the career, there's not going to be very many people like you. It could even be a situation in which you stand out from your family too in having achieved something that is worth noting such as let's say you are the first college graduate in your family. These two cards together plus this Leo energy fit all of those things.

It's also interesting with the reveal what needs to be seen card because now we're talking about being recognized. And specifically some of you could be pursuing a career through social media or something online. And it could be too that this issue may have to do with revealing only part of your life online and not the entire story. Like only showing the good parts. I think it's a mix that some of this is going to be something different and then for some of you it may be that this will end up being a message about a specific situation related to a social media issue or desire to be an influencer or twitch person whatever. It could even be about another person who you meet with that has a bit of fame themselves. I guess we'll know if we keep going lol

It's just so obviously about career fame for most of you in some sense of the words.

For four of swords, clarified by six of cups and ten of cups. This is really interesting because pile three had fourth house energy and this is pulling in all of the family related cards. Six of cups is family or childhood or siblings or children, nostalgia, it could be an ex but it's also another soulmate card to me. 10 of cups is that complete happiness and satisfaction but it's also a family card. All we need now is for the hierophant to fall out and it'll be like okay obviously about family.

Even the star to me can be about community which is why I sometimes read it as online community. Because Aquarius is also technology

So four of swords could be taking a trip with family, it could be taking a break from family. It could be moving away from family. It could be needing a rest in order to get in touch with what used to make you happy as a kid as in this could be get in touch with your inner child type of messages which I think it was pile one had that. I forget.

But it also has the sense of let's look at the four of swords picture and this can be about meditation. It does kind of remind me of the four of cups which came out for five of Wands but we'll get to that. So we have somebody who looks like they are meditating. And then if they are meditating they have thought bubbles that include 10 of cups and 6 of cups. So this could be someone taking a lot of time to think or meditate on something that they wanted as a child that would make them happy. Like if somebody as a kid wanted to be an actor. They are suddenly starting to feel like I think I want to pursue that again. But the most obvious in general take on these cards together would be something like somebody taking time out to have fun or play like a kid. Not take things so seriously which is also the message that pile three got so absolutely I want to send you there. Because I feel like pile for is maybe an add-on for pile three.

So then we have five of Wands which is the obvious conflict or competition card. It's clarified by four of cups and five of cups, two cards that are generally read negative as well. And once again we have emphasis on fours and fives. So of course there would be conflict because we have issues of disappointment in the past and focusing only on what didn't work out and literally in that card it's a card about only focusing on the cups that fell even though you have two cups that are still upright behind you that pose as potential opportunities that are right there if you would only notice them but you're not because you're like this thing sucked. And four of cups is about again ignoring some type of opportunity because your attention is elsewhere. Or you miss it because you're so busy with all of the things that have gone wrong. So it's a sense of being distracted. All together it could be that on your path that maybe it's been a path or something that your heart has wanted since you were young. You have encountered a lot of disappointments, not just on this particular path but in life. Maybe disappointments in relationships, in your career, in your hobbies. And through that time you were so distracted by that stuff, you might have missed out or turned down other opportunities.

You might even still be afraid of those or turning them down because you have a fear of failure or a fear of the same thing repeating. I don't think it's super serious because these are all minors but it's like they've built up over time because there have been several of them. So I do want to say it feels understandable because when you feel like everything always goes wrong and then you go so far down a path and you haven't achieved that dream, it's kind of like okay will it ever happen. But even though it seems like you've been distracted and you haven't achieved this goal necessarily, it's still in the back of your mind. You might have given up or told yourself that it's never going to happen but it's still there there's still a desire to do this thing in which it's probably a big dream. It's probably something like yeah I want to be a famous actor or writer or artist or dancer or athlete. But there's some level of recognition that you wanted that I think you're still hoping for but haven't achieved and have been sidetracked on it.

And I'm not saying any particular advice like the other piles. I am saying just this is how it is this is the thing that happened. Or I'm not saying gosh it's written in the stars that you're meant to be famous. I just see the desire for it and I see it's still on your mind, or you try to pursue it but now you're on a break from it but you still think about it a lot and then there are things along the way that made it difficult. Maybe the field was too competitive too so that kind of made you feel bad. If this is an add-on to pile three, I would say this has to do with your career and may have to do with that Scorpio message. Like everything is great you've done all of the work, you are ready to receive, but also here's this thing that remains unfinished. And it feels like it's career potential to be something really great. And within that pile, there is the message that you've done the work and you are ready to receive so maybe you did take some type of action that would put you on this path even incidentally. Or maybe it's yet to come. Let's pull another card though and see what is the outcome. Or it could be that you're not meant to know the outcome because then you wouldn't choose that path and would get distracted again. What is the outcome in the future if pile four pursues their dream?

Okay so we have seven of pentacles, queen of pentacles, queen of swords. And new moon in Scorpio go deeper and new moon in Gemini think it through. That would have been funny if we got queen of cups because that would make sense with the Scorpio card and Queen of swords with Gemini.

But this feels like such a career reading. So if this is a career that would take a lot of effort and maybe even a lot of time investing in either the skills to become really good at this or it would take a long time doing the career to get the recognition that you want if you want fame. It could even be that it will happen in the later part of your life where you pursue this after taking a break or yeah. Personally, I see this as a career that has to do with writing or communication and particular so definitely a pile for writers. But that could be acting as well anything that involves words. And queen of pentacles also gives me this feeling of having to build up those skills on your own and over a long period of time. So definitely it feels like an accomplished writer or yeah. But sometimes people are one hit wonders and they don't put tons of time more effort and they get recognition. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they're actually talented either. There are plenty of popular writers or actors who are popular not because of their actual talent. No I don't think talent is subjective.

It could be that this path is so long that you do take a break at some point maybe because of all of the disappointments you've experienced up until a certain point so you take a break from your writing dream. But I think you still want to pursue it. Because the star and the ten of pentacles gives me this feeling of I'm never truly going to be satisfied if I don't do this. I don't think you doubt that you want to do this but it's like other external things get in the way.

Or it can be that you do it and then there's a period of time where you don't love it as much but it's because something else happened or it doesn't matter but maybe you just take a break from it. But that break time might remind you of why you wanted to do this. It doesn't matter. But I just see a job in a field where a lot of mental skills are required and that it takes time to build up these skills and also it will take time before the level of recognition is as high as you want. This could even be somebody who owns their own marketing business or publishing business but it's a business that would probably have to do with the intellect or written words or making decisions. Communication jobs especially. It could even be that on route to this job of becoming a famous whatever, you had to work other jobs for the sake of financial stability and that was the reason why you had a break from pursuing your actual higher self super goal job. Because you can't live on like a $20 story that you write for someone and it's like 30,000 words.

New Moon in Gemini and think it through. This just feels like it's still saying that this is something that has to do with words or the intellect. But also just a lot of analytical stuff going on with should I or shouldn't I. It just makes me think that you're a very thinking sort of person. Go deeper, this just makes me feel like this is a deep rooted wish or goal that's been there for a long time like this six of cups says and also that there is a lot of emotional investment in this or even that the way you write is a style that's very emotional or how you act is very methods and emotional. So there is an emotional component that's like not only are you emotionally attached to this potential career but there's a level of deep emotion in what you produce. So yes it does seem like a good pile for artists. Or it could even be a lawyer who's deeply passionate about the area of law that they get into. Or yeah it could be like I'm a marketing person and I've always wanted to work for Nike or the NFL.

As for what needs to be released because that makes sense with the full moon or lunar eclipse. I guess releasing the idea of giving up on your dream? I think this feels like a reminder for you. And it's like don't release this dream lol but really everything that's keeping you from pursuing it. It's not a very pushy message. And I am still feeling inclined to tell you that this is an attached message to pile 3. And it's related to that Scorpio card I go on about. The same Scorpio card you have in this which is extra confirmation and synchronicity that it's like tell them to read pile 3. Because this feels like a separate message and not a whole message. So it would make sense it would go with another pile.

And so again your energy here could be Leo, Scorpio, Gemini, all of the earth signs and air signs are present too. But there's really an intense desire to do this and I think if you pursued it you really could have fame or a legacy to leave behind but that's if you choose to pursue it. And you don't let external things like disappointments or not getting such and such writing job or you tried to pursue it by going to LA and that didn't work. It's just because those might have been extensions of what you really want to do but not the exact thing you want to do. But it's going to keep cropping up in your mind unless you do something about it. You don't have to but it does seem to be your path and if it's a path, then you are meant to be successful at it if you try.

And there was a potential love relationship coming in for pile three that involved a fire sign so with Leo here, it could be that you do meet a Leo and they are somewhat famous maybe or they're just a Leo or they're a Leo that is in the same position as you where they have a bigger goal that they haven't quite achieved or maybe they did achieve it and they can help you pursue your goal. I don't know why I keep getting Leo Scorpio energy. It's following me around. I guess we're all going to marry Leo Scorpios.

But the love stuff isn't really coming up for this pile This is definitely related to pursuing a famous highly recognized career. Especially if you write stuff online or ever did that. If it's something you've wanted since you were a kid, if achieving it makes you happy when you think about it. If you feel kind of giddy when you think about it. Even more specific if you want to write children's books. Or any of the careers I mentioned but attached to children. Even if the field is competitive, you have your own unique attributes to bring to this field That's what the star tells me.

And also that you are meant to be a star. Someone with a very unique voice. Someone who if you do pursue this you will probably get pretty rich lol. That you will be able to provide for your family. I mean you have 10 of cups and 10 of pentacles here and star all the queens are coming out almost. So yeah whatever intellectual talents you have, yes they can make you famous if you pursue this but it may take a long time and you may suffer a lot of disappointments and even take a break at some points from pursuing this to do related work that is in the same field kind of but isn't your passion. And I still feel like it's also a dream that you should keep on the down low and not try to post about everywhere because obviously if you go I want to be a famous XYZ there is going to be someone who criticizes you or is like you aren't good enough or you aren't pretty enough blah blah. So yeah I think that's about all I see for you.

#pick a card #tarot #lunar eclipse #full moon in scorpio #manifestation #release #spiritual advice #astrology #oracle reading #career #relationships #timeless reading even if it's an eclipse full moon reading

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multitrackdrifting · 11 months

Text

G-Witch Episode 22 Thoughts/Theories

First things first: Calibarn is Unicorn.

At first I thought the similarities were merely aesthetic, but I don't think it's a coincidence. There's not a lot of pure-white gundam out there and that Calibarn exists alongside Aerial & Schwarzette really does complete the trifecta of Unicorn, Banshee & Phenex. Phenex is Aerial because Eri is a ghost inside a machine, Schwarzette is Banshee because it's very much the sibling unit to both of them constructed to foil the Calibarn (well, Suletta specifically).

This episode was pretty nice because if you noticed, Suletta doesn't stutter or squeak out any of her sentences, when she's reciting the mantra with Guel she speaks with resolve, when she talks to Mio and everyone else in the episode she speaks like she's found herself.

She pretty forwardly addressed the fact that a lot of what has happened in her life is not her own, and I said in previous weeks that her choosing to do this for herself is proof of her own autonomy and growth as a young woman.

She's made precious friends, found someone to love and be loved by, and even if her existence was not always hers, when has that ever stopped a clone from being able to self-actualise (points at Tales of the Abyss).

Calibarn's entrance is quite literally a reference to Unicorn, so I am not reaching with this one at all.

While the three gundam play different narrative roles, it is really cool they found a way to tie together the tempest with an homage to Gundam Unicorn that does actually go beyond the surface.

When Suletta is panting from the stress the Permet is applying to her body, she sounds exactly like her father piloting Lfrith, so that was a cool detail. As I expected, she is not exempt from the curse (as I argued Eri was not either, hence the entire premise of this show).

Miorine spends the episode still pretty broken up by everything, but she shows a lot of resolve to face the atrocity she unwittingly facilitated in the previous episodes - whether she intended to do this or not is beside the point, do you really think the people of earth would welcome Mio with open arms and just go "well that makes perfect sense", no way, there were children that saw her face appear before their entire towns were destroyed in an instant - of course she's right that it's terrifying to face what's taken place.

Still, she manages to come out of her shell after Suletta's words reach her, for once, she is the one relying heavily on Suletta to save her where their relationship began by and large through Suletta being the shield that protected her from potential suitors yes, but she also gave Suletta the kick in the butt to go out there and seize the life that she could make for herself. The nice thing about the two of them is that they make each other better, and that's a nice way to write a blossoming romance where not everything is about kissing or holding hands - it's in the way that they fill the gaps in their aspirations and desires and make each other whole without being like some entity the other depends on. They had plenty of time apart this season, and that's good because it let them grow in any which direction without one another and that's more interesting then being conjoined at the hip imo.

Being cooped up in her room, shut away from the world outside - Suletta knows all too well what that means and how she wanted to move beyond that, and for the first time, she was able to help someone else find the courage to step out the door - as her mother did before her, except the difference between the two of them, is that she just wants Miorine to be happy and to be free, she doesn't want anything in return despite the very give and take world they live in.

Something crazy about this episode is the tomato's genetic code having a message to miorine in it, but I think that also means that one of the deactivation sequences is also given by that phrase.

I won't over-analyse the background details & diagrams, that's for twitter nerds (jk)

I'm sure this week's discourse will be whether Guel let Suletta win the fencing duel or not and my opinion is that he did, not because I don't think Suletta is good - Fencing is such a specific type of combat and you can't do some anime shit and just crouch to win a duel. A fencer would just bop your head if you tried to do a crouch that low lol.

Guel is good with melee weaponry, so I figure he's probably a good fencer.

I've done a little fencing before and the crouch Suletta does is surprising but a fencer wouldn't really let that catch them off-guard, that's not to say that Guel let her win either by the way - I'm just saying that the scene was pretense to give up the role of holder so you don't really take away "who is better" from the situation because the scene places different circumstance and demands on you as the viewer to understand what has to happen.

The Guel that would lose a battle is larger than life, talks a lot, and very loud - but he's dead silent, he's very laid back the entire time because he knows what's at stake here is more than pride.

Guel doesn't want to play the bad guy, nor does he intend to stand in the way of Suletta like he did in the first three episodes - that's not who he is and he has not been for over 19 episodes. This is why he's like "what a fool I am", because he likes Suletta, but has zero plans to act on that because what is there to be done, he already got rejected and he respected her decision. By feigning a loss here all that's happening is him reversing the sabotage that lost her Miorine to begin with.

I believe that Suletta is by far the best pilot in the series because of her ranged capabilities, that's never been in question, but yeah I can see this scene drumming up inane discourse because people don't understand a narrative device even when its bonking them over the head with a sign that says "This is not the f-ing point of the scene".

The way that Guel encounters his brother is exactly like his fight with his father, forced into battle with little to know information about the enemy but Lauda reveals himself quickly as the Schwarzette pilot.

Now to my final point of discussion: Lauda

Lauda is Guel Jeturk's half brother,

he has been robbed of his father, the parent that binds him to Guel, and then his brother, who has been "taken" from him by Suletta Mercury.

The way he has made sense of the world and carried himself the entire series has centred on his attachment to his brother, and now that this everyday life centred on Guel has disappeared, and Patra is in the ICU, he wants to lash out at the ones who have taken everything from him.

To this end, he probably wants to kill Guel and here's a crazy thought: I think he will actually succeed in mortally wounding Guel. The story seems to suggest that Guel will win, but if they're baiting for another season they might pretend to kill Guel off.

What's more likely is that Lauda is killed by Guel and he has basically nothing left and becomes a nomad or goes to earth and takes care of the kids - it's not super clear what they're going to do with Guel if another season takes place.

I'm a diehard Guel fan but honestly his endgame is up in the air, he's not going to be a Char clone though, he's far above things like revenge and whatnot since Shaddiq is off the table.

If they sequel bait he will die, if they don't he won't.

Anyway, it was a great episode overall and this ties up another week of my thoughts & theories.

The unicorn thing was the best part by far tho imo.

TL;DR ANOTHER WEEK OF G WITCH LOVING OTHER GUNDAM SERIES

#g witch spoilers #g witch #the witch from mercury #gundam #gundam unicorn

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dragon-kazansky · 1 year

Text

Something Worth Protecting

Iceman x Dragon

Bodyguard AU

Dragon's popularity has grown tremendously, and as she takes off on tour, a security team has been hired to see it through. Leading that team is Tom Kazansky. He's the best in the business. He is here to do a job, but for the first time in his career, feelings are involved. He can't get too involved or he'll lose his job. Yet, ignoring what he desires is harder than it looks.

[Masterlist]

[Previous Chapter] - [Next Chapter]

Chapter Seven - Close call

♡♡♡

On with the show.

While Rachael got changed in her dressing room, Tom waited outside with Jade and Ron. Jade was obviously very worried.

"That tape..." Ron started. Jade just shook her head.

"He made her do things she didn't want to do... and recorded it. I don't want to talk about it any more."

Ron understood.

"Sli, you stay with Jade. Keep her company. I'll stay with our singer."

Jade looks up at Tom.

"I'm proud of her. Wanting to go through with the show. I don't think I would be able to if I was her in her shoes."

Tom offers Jade a smile. "She's quite something."

Jade returns his smile. "That, she is."

Ron escorts Jade to the stage and Tom waits patiently for Rachael to come out. As soon as the door opens his breath catches in his throat. She had chosen a sparkly number for the opening of the show. Her make up matches the blues and whites of her dress. The skirt brushing her knees in a delicate manner.

She looked pretty. Very pretty.

"I'm ready if you are?" She says.

"Of course," he mutters, still a little taken back by her appearance.

The two make their way to the stage. The band hype up the audience and Rachael walks out after Mav calls her name. Tom watches as she becomes a bright confidant soul in front of everyone.

She won't let her fans see her fear.

As she sings, Tom feels himself hanging onto every word. Her voice is one the most beautiful sounds in the world. He is sure of it. Before taking this job, he didn't really know who she was. It wasn't his job to know his clients, just to protect them from anything that may happen.

Rachael is different. He wanted to know her. He wanted to look after her. Protect her from the evil which wishes to break her all over again.

The song draws to an end and the audience shout her name. She smiles. She's at home when she's singing for them.

The show is a success. Nothing happens. No one interrupts the show. It goes smoothly. Tom accompanies Rachael for her costume change, and everything is just as the previous shows had been.

Rachael was starting to feel comfortable again.

When the show ended, Rachael, Tom, Jade, and Ron all go down the the dressing room. Jade stays with Rachael as she changes, and the both guards remain outside.

"Are you going to be okay getting to the hotel?" Jade asks.

"Tom is taking me."

Jade smiles.

"What?"

"Tom. You and your bodyguard seem close," Jade chuckles.

"It's not like that... he's just nice."

Jade gives her friend a doubting look.

"He is! It's just a bonus..."

"What is?" Jade asks, wanting to know what it going on know that head.

"That he's handsome."

Jade laughs softly. "Are you falling for your bodyguard?"

"What! Of course not!"

Though even Rachael didn't completely believe that. Would it be so bad to have a crush on the man hired to protect you?

Outside, the bodyguards were having a similar conversation.

"Are you sure about this job?" Ron asks his leader. He has never doubted Kazansky before, but this job was slowly becoming more than they signed up for.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you seem pretty invested in this job. Aren't you the one to tell us not to let personal feelings get in the way?"

Tom glances at Ron. "There are no feelings involved."

Obviously Kerner doesn't believe this.

"I've seen the way you look at her when she sings, Ice. You can't fool me."

The door to the dressing room opens at that moment and the girls come out. Kerner continues to side eye his friend, but Kazansky has gone back into professional mode.

"Let's go," Rachael says.

Tom nods and leads the way. Ron stays with Jade. Kazansky promised to call Kerner later, to assure both him and Jade that they were okay.

Kazansky opens the car door for Rachael and she climbs in, thanking him with a smile. He doesn't react, just gets into the drivers seat. However, his heart is racing. That smile. That beautiful smile.

Focusing back on the road, Kazansky drives off, intending to get Dragon to her hotel.

The radio plays. Rachael looks out of the window at the dark streets. It's late now. All her fans will be going back to where they are staying, hoping to sleep after a night of excitement. She smiles at the thought.

Her eyes then glance toward her driver. The image of him asleep in that chair comes to mind again.

Handsome.

He looks up into the rear view mirror and she looks away quickly. She can't hide her smile though. He catches sight of it and smile as he turns his eyes back to the road.

How did he get so lucky to guard such a beautiful woman?

He wonders if perhaps had he not been hired to guard her, would something more have transpired between them. Then again, he only met her because he was hired to guard her. He doubts they would have met otherwise.

Still, he is glad they did.

They are almost at the hotel when things take a turn for the worst. Rachael leans forward slightly, asking Tom to turn up the radio. They're playing one of her songs! He reaches for the dial, but barely touches it when a vehicle collides into theirs.

Everything happens quickly.

The car spins out. Tom hears Rachael scream in the back, but the impact of the crash makes him dazed. There is silence as people gather to see what happened. Someone calls for an ambulance.

Tom blinks his eyes quickly. He's alive and mostly unharmed. However, he did hit head. He ignores the pain though. His immediate thoughts turn to Rachael in the back. He ignores the calls of pedestrians who want to help and un-buckles his belt. He turns sharply and finds Rachael with her head lulled forward.

"Rachael?"

No response.

"Rachael!"

Tom gets out of the car and hurries to open her side in the back. Luckily it was the other side that took most of the damage. He cradled Rachael gently, looking over her wounds. She also hit her head, a bit worse off than him, but she would be okay.

Tom glances up at the other car.

The driver of the other car is also alive. He looks up in shock and sees Kazansky. The look Tom gives him has the colour leaving the other man's face.

It clicks that Ice has seen this man before, briefly. In the hotel restaurant that one morning.

Coincidence? Not likely.

Tom's priority is Rachael. He removes her seatbelt and picks her up gently, removing her from the car. People give him space as he lays her down in his lap on the road. He holds her close.

Sirens can be heard in the distance. The ambulance is coming.

Tom takes out his phone and calls Ron.

He picks up after two rings.

"Sli, there's been an accident."

♡♡♡

@bayisdying - @mrsjaderogers - @breadsquash - @cycbaby - @callmemana - @askmarinaandothers - @starlit-epiphany - @callsignscupcake - @ladylanera - @mysticaldeanvoidhorse - @gracespicybradshaw

#something worth protecting #iceman x dragon #top gun au #top gun #au #the chaos squad fics #chaos squad au #the chaos squad #chaos squad #dragon writes #bodyguard au

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lingshanhermit · 9 months

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Lingshan Hermit: The Practitioner and Movies

Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche said: Movies are the modern thangka paintings. He is a great director himself and an amazing teacher. I think what he meant is that the art form of movies illustrates some of the most essential and profound concepts in Buddhism very well. I completely agree with this perspective.

I have always wanted to write a book about movies. Many people know me as a practitioner and writer, but few know that I am also a movie enthusiast. I have a large collection of Blu-ray discs. Other than practice, writing, reading and sleeping, watching movies is how I spend most of my spare time.

When you are sitting in a movie theater watching a film, do you know that the movie you see is just your own interpretation in your mind, and this interpretation is unique to you alone? You may watch Pulp Fiction with your best friend, but you will never see the same movie she sees, and she will never see the movie you see. There may be scenes that make you both laugh out loud, which further enhances the misconception, making you wrongly assume that you are seeing the same thing, that you understand each other perfectly. But it is impossible for you to see the same thing, because each person has a different life experience and karma, even if two people graduated from the same university, grew up in the same neighborhood, read similar books, and know mostly the same people, they would still be unable to see the same movie. The movie that each person sees is different. In the eyes of a hundred people there are a hundred Scarlett O'Haras and a hundred Walter Whites. Over the years, I have come to experience more and more how utterly impossible communication really is.

Let's first look at how we watch movies: When our eyes are watching the images on the screen, and our ears are hearing the sounds, what happens? Our eyes and ears will transmit the information they receive moment by moment to our mind. Our mind will then compare and interpret these images and sounds based on our life experiences and knowledge. And react accordingly. This may sound very mechanical to you. You probably feel you are not that mechanical. But according to Buddhism, we are exactly that mechanical. We are like pre-programmed robots that react differently to different situations. But because each of us has different karma, different mental afflictions, and different cultural backgrounds, when faced with the same information, we react differently. The same words, the same facial expression, one person's reaction may be to laugh out loud, another may feel utterly depressed, and yet another may be completely puzzled. This is very interesting.

When I described how we watch movies, I said our eyes grasp and interpret those images and subtitles frame by frame, and our ears grasp and interpret those sounds. You should know all this happens in a split second, probably less than one-thousandth of a second. I have just slowed down the process thousands of times to demonstrate it to you. As for what exactly we can interpret from those images and sounds, that depends entirely on our life experiences, cultural background, karma and merits. Therefore, what we see is simply a projection of our own mind. Those images and sounds themselves have no inherent meaning. All meaning is imposed by us. They are empty in essence. Those images and sounds are empty. If they were not empty, how could there be thousands of ways to understand them? In fact, not only are those images and sounds empty, all things are empty in essence.

From the Dzogchen practitioner's perspective, the way movies operate is very similar to how our mind works. Each time we go to the theater and the movie starts, you see a beam of light shines from behind and projects onto the movie screen. Then the previously empty screen begins to show advertisements and stories of joy and sorrow. Our mind operates the same way. When we perceive anything, this is what happens: (let's again go into slow motion at a thousand times slower) Our eyes come in contact with an object, grasp the image of it (like taking a photo), then the image is transmitted to our mind, compared and matched with information previously stored, if a corresponding concept is found in the database, we project that concept onto the object. We recognize: this is a calligraphy knife. Then based on that, we develop further thoughts on whether it looks good or bad, what shape, color it is, where it was made etc. If we find it beautiful, we may generate the desire to own it. Afflictions ensue as such. Similarly, our ears, nose, tongue, body, and mind treat the sounds, smells, tastes, sensations, and thoughts they grasp in the same way. We affix conceptual labels onto every sound, every smell, every taste, every tactile sensation, and every thought. Our mind conjures up concepts out of thin air and projects them onto every object we perceive. This happens countless times every second, and in multiple sensory aspects simultaneously. Our eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind incessantly grasp sights, sounds, smells, tastes, tactile sensations and mental phenomena, conceptualize them. Therefore, from the Buddhist perspective, the world we perceive is an extremely complex and uninterrupted 3D illusion manufactured by our mind. In fact, for ordinary people, except for a few exceptional moments, what they perceive their entire life is only the enormous illusion created by their own mind. They are wrapped in a world made up of concepts projected by their own mind. They have never seen things as they truly are. Our self-referential system is airtight. It blocks off almost all possibilities for us to glimpse reality. When we see an image, hear a sound, or feel a sensation, the self system immediately grasps, interprets, conceptualizes, telling us what it is. We can do this with almost no thinking at all on our part. All this happens in a split second – so fast that we cannot detect this process at all. We do not feel at all that there are innumerable concepts standing between us and the object, obstructing us from seeing it directly. We truly believe what we see is the object itself. We also truly believe the concepts about the object are inherent in the object itself rather than imposed by us. If your practice is right, you may slowly begin to experience this process. So far, all we have seen, heard, and felt is but an airtight web of concepts manufactured by our mind. This is how the self deceives us. According to the Dzogchen teachings, it is only when our delusory system momentarily malfunctions or freezes that wisdom briefly surfaces. It is only then that the conceptual world we carry around can crack open a little. But very soon, it gets sealed up again by the dense web of concepts. Our so-called practice can be understood simply as an effort to sabotage the operations of the self-referential delusory system. You pry open a gap in the conceptual web, and keep expanding it. That is the practice.

As just another sentient being called humans, we have always been deceived by illusions. As our eyes watch the movie screen, we think those images are real, that they form a continuum, when in fact, our eyes trick us – we only see a series of rapidly changing still images. When these images move rapidly, we feel there is continuity in the footage. We feel we have watched a whole movie. When in fact, what we call a movie is but a series of still images moving rapidly plus some sounds. It is said each second 24 frames (or 48 frames) flash by before our eyes. Our eyes simply cannot detect the gaps between the frames. We perceive other things the same way. As water streams down from the shower head, you cannot discern the gaps between water droplets. Another example is the iPhone – when we press down on the screen and swipe down, it appears that an actual page has been scrolled down by us. But that is just an illusion. The iPhone screen senses countless touch points, so when our finger presses down and swipes down, myriad points on the screen change at lightning speed, completely surpassing our eyes' ability to detect, thus giving rise to the illusion that an actual page is being scrolled down by us. This sufficiently shows how unreliable our perceiving consciousness has always been. The Buddhist masters of the past said: When we pass a clay pot from our left hand to our right, out of habit, we feel it is still the same clay pot, when in fact, once something has moved from here to there, the original clay pot no longer exists (of course, "no longer exists" is just a relative term, ultimately, there never was a clay pot at all). Impermanence does not mean the pot broke or decayed, even from a relative point of view, it changes completely moment to moment, arising and ceasing constantly. But our perception makes us feel it is still the same pot. That is how our perception tricks us.

When images are projected onto the movie screen, the screen itself does not gain anything, the projections do not impact the screen itself in any way. Just like how our projected concepts do not actually impact the objects themselves. When the projections stop, nothing is missing from the screen. Even during the movie showing, there is still nothing on the screen, it is just that when images are projected onto it, we can no longer see the screen itself, we can only see the projected images. If you can understand this, it is extremely important Dzogchen theory.

This is why I am so fascinated with movies, they always give me lots of inspiration. Of course here I am just talking about the art form of movies inspiring me. The content of many great movies are also tremendously inspiring in themselves. Some directors are practically emanations of Buddhas. I have always seen movies as one of my teachers. I have learned many things from this teacher. Over the years, I have been writing about the Dharma I perceive in movies. I’m sure many can relate to this, and I hope those who can come across these articles. But if you are not a seasoned practitioner, and have not genuinely practiced the Buddhadharma yourself, reading these can be quite difficult for you.

Written by Lingshan Hermit in December 2013, revised in August 2019.

Copyright Notice：All copyrights of Ling Shan Hermit's articles in Simplified and Traditional Chinese, English, and other languages belong to the natural person who owns "Ling Shan Hermit". Please respect copyright. Publishers, media, or individuals (including but not limited to internet media, websites, personal spaces, Weibo, WeChat public accounts, print media) must obtain authorization from Ling Shan Hermit before use. No modifications to the articles are allowed (including: author's name, title, main text content, and punctuation marks). We reserve all legal rights.

灵山居士：修行者与电影

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styrmwb · 6 months

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Favorite Final Fantasy Music (FFV)

5 :)))))))

V is my second favorite FF, I care so much about this game. It brings me a lot of emotion despite being one of the goofier, less serious entries (I will stand by the fact that FFV and One Piece have similar vibes in setting and story), and the music absolutely helps. I appreciate a lot more of the non battle themes in this game than I usually do (of course since this is a top 5 list (top V list?) that doesn't really show but just take my word for it) and I will admit to tearing up at things cause it just does that to me. Love this game. Let's do it. 5. Legend of the Deep Forest Apparently this is also known as "As I Feel, You Feel"? I love how somber this is. Again, as we all know, I'm bad at words, I do not know what the main instrument is called, but I absolutely love it. I also feel like it has like, a dual meaning based on where you are in the dungeon. When you enter, it feels like a great forest where the main villain has come from, a place of evil. When it burns down, it gives you that sense of loss from an event of senseless evil.

4. To The North Mountain Why does this bang? It has no right. I just think this is a fun, adventurous song. I love all the instruments in it, the guitar, the horn, the... banjo? the organ, it's all very fun, very unique, and very stand-out for what it is and where it plays. It sticks out to me.

3. The Decisive Battle One word. The Drums. That's two words. Whatever. This is SUCH a good Exdeath theme. Taking his main motif, and turning it into a battle with THE DRUMS (THE DRUMSSSSS), not to mention the part where it starts glitching out and getting chaotic, then going hard into the main melody again, holy shit this song is hype. It sounds super cool, it has amazing drums (I'm sorry I'll stop), and it plays multiple times so you get to hear it over and over. Not to mention, one of those times is during one of the absolute best moments in the entire game. o7

2. Battle on the Big Bridge The song. The man. The big man on the big bridge, the big song for the big man. Uematsu was absolutely cooking when he made this song, and I am so glad it continues to appear over and over again in future entries, it literally does not miss once at all. Special shoutouts to the PR, XII, XIII-2, XIV, and XV versions, and anti-shoutouts to the Theatrhythm All Star Carnival version cause it's mean and hurts my fingies. I don't even really know what to say cause like, everyone knows this song is fucking outstanding??? If you are reading this you know this song, it's hype, it's exciting, it's catchy, it's just, Amazing. 1. PIANO LESSON 1 BABYYY THIS IS THE GREATEST SONG IN ANY GAME EVER PIANO LESSON 1 ALL THE WAY

I'm sorry this joke sucks

ok the actual real #1 is...

1. Main Theme of Final Fantasy V I was struggling between picking this or Battle on the Big Bridge as the #1. But I think in this specific list when I'm trying to focus on V songs, this song just hits my emotions a little harder, and it is like, a summary of why I love FFV in general. It's lighthearted, it's fun, it feels like an adventure, however, right at the end of the song before it loops, this is the part that really makes me tear up, because it slows down, it feels emotional but in different ways depending on the context, like you're looking back happily at your journey or feeling sadness over the loss and tragedy that does happen in this game. One of my absolute favorite versions of this song is the one from DIstant Worlds IV. It works so well in an orchestrated form, feeling triumphant and happy, but again! That one part before the loop! It slows down and brings a completely different level to the emotions. Especially at the end of the song when you just have a slow trumpet solo.... then the whole orchestra comes in, and a big triumphant finale. It's a happy song that is deeper than it seems out the outside. Just like the game it's meant for.

#final fantasy #final fantasy v #textpost #jared's final fantasy music opinions #I hope it's apparent how much I love this game

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26ja · 11 months

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🦋If you get this, answer with 3 facts about yourself and send it to the last 7 blogs in your notifications, anonymously or not! Let's get to know the person behind the blog🦋

Hey! Thanks a lot for this ask. Sorry I let it sit for a bit because it's a bit similar feeling as when new teacher asks you to say few words about yourself and you promptly forget everything there is and half the class then goes with 'my hobby is sleeping' :D (real thing that happened, including me of course:P)

sooo.... hehe, why don't use this for a bit of rant (sorry)

1. I have no irl friends outside of family (which sucks majorly)

(I changed school at the edge of puberty and feels like I haven't recovered ever since - had 1 or 2 friends at high school and none since then.)

2. For tenth birthday I chose my present - 1000 pcs. puzzle just to see if I could do it. Turns out I could, with the help of family, and then several times by my own (different puzzles of course.)

3. I am apparently "interested in ideas"

...

Does this sound so pretentious and insufferable to you? Well, good news, you're not alone. That is something that was told to me with a straight face.

Ohooo I wanted to rant about this for the longest time. Sorry.

So, in the last year of high school we were made to take this personality/iq test which consisted of millions of questions that kept repeating themselves apparently trying to catch you lying. Which offended me massively along with the fact that the very first question was 'tell something that is important to know about yourself'. Which again, teenage me was offended - if you want to asses me, analyze me, then figure it yourself, duh. So I am sitting there looking at blank page, chancing side look at the class mate who's writing - I kid you not - two full pages of who knows what.

Anyway. Those test were supposed to help us with choosing school/career after high school. Which, you guessed it, did nothing of the sort for me. After the tests were evaluated, several days later, we had a meeting with the dude - still not sure who he was. Some kind of psychiatrist, psychologist maybe? Maybe not, who knows. And this is what he tells me.

That I am "interested in ideas". And I am sitting there bit anxious, 'cause duh, you're supposed to tell me what to do with life and I am immediately stunned, slowly realizing that this isn't going to help me to choose school, thinking to myself who isn't? Like c'mon.

So I say OK. Or good perhaphs.

What is that even supposed to mean? Interested in ideas. Pff.

And this is not where it ends. Do you want to know what more he tells me?

That I am "cold".

I kid you not. He tells me I am cold.

So here I am, saying OK or equivalent of it, 'cause what the hell you're supposed to do in such a situation. And that's probably not the reaction he's going for, because he immediately starts defending himself as if I accused him of something. Which I did not. He starts telling me that that's not what he himself is saying, that's what my test is saying, that that's how people perceive me.

(Which, he might not be entirely wrong in hindsight. Sigh.)

But really? Wtf dude? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for ever thinking this is OK to tell to teenage girl. Fuck you. Even years later - fuck you.

(At any given moment I am like 5 seconds from crying and you tell me I'm cold? wtf? I am awkward. When I don't know how to react - which is often - I just don't. React. Fuck you, man.)

Anyway, I thought this is where I'll stop but - ah, whatever. I'm gonna spill all the beans. Cause this whole meeting was certainly an experience.

So anyway, on the test, one of the questions was - circle what careers you're interested in. So cue me circling military career among the others. (Mind you, I'm not complete idiot, these are the times of peace, when everything looks OK and any conflict is just a bad dream.)

Single reason for it is - they retire early. I am not working at this point but I am pretty sure I don't even want to like ever, so if I have to, it should be the shortest possible time, right? They retire at what - like forty? Some of them choose to work for longer because they are bored. Can you imagine? So that's my thought process behind it.

And the dude goes, there you circled military, it doesn't really check out with the rest, why you did that. And because I am an idiot at last, I say because when you want to throw over a government you need military :D And he goes, hm, yes, interested in ideas...

So anyway, I'm pretty sure they still have that record on me somewhere :D

(But tbh I am still kinda proud of my non-reaction when he told me I'm cold. Kinda wish I was this sassy on purpose and not just awkward but well, I certainly do hope the dude got the same whiplash from meeting me as I got from him. )

#ask answered #personal #rant #I guess this was more then 3 facts #sorry

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purplesong1028 · 1 year

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Call It Even

(My rare pair writing challenge for myself that somehow turned into a 9k words novel…)

Rating: Mature

Paring: Amado/Mayo, Amado/Pacho

Words: 9,542

The first time it happened, it was more like a stress relief than anything else. The process of restructuring the entire operation of Juárez wasn’t going as smoothly as Amado had hoped. He was living in a shitty house while his new mansion was under construction. On top of all that, he still hadn’t summoned enough courage to visit his daughter’s grave.

Mayo was asking for a favor, something about moving his boats through the port in Peñasco, which technically didn’t belong to Juárez, but he was planning to expand his operation there. He didn’t know how exactly Mayo got that information, but it didn’t matter that much. People like them always had their own ways.

They were acquaintances at best, never even met alone before, but somehow Amado just knew the other man wouldn’t be opposed to the idea of a little fun time. A certain someone had given him enough experiences to develop a quite accurate instinct for this sort of thing.

They parked the boat in the middle of open water. Below the deck, even moonlight couldn’t shine through the closed door. Their bodies intertwined in complete darkness, surprisingly easy, both knowing exactly what to do, and Amado couldn’t help but wonder where Mayo got his experiences from. But then the waves must have gotten higher, because the boat started to rock back and forth, matching their increasingly intense rhythm, and all other thoughts were pushed out of his brain.

He woke up naked the next morning, under a soft blanket that smelt like sea. The boat was already moving, so he quickly got dressed and went up the deck. Mayo waved at him behind the steering wheel, or whatever that wheel was called on boats.

“How did you sleep?”

That could mean two very different things, but either way his answer was the same. “Pretty good.”

“Good.” Mayo smiled, adjusting the wheel to a fixed position, and then loosely leaned on it. “We didn’t talk about tax yesterday. How much do you want?”

“How much are you moving?”

Mayo nodded at a container in the corner, “five times that much.”

Amado walked over and took off the lid, “every week? Month?”

“Twice per month.”

He did some quick math in his head. “That’s fine, you can just move them through the port.”

Mayo lifted his eyebrows in surprise, and he wished he could take back what he said. It sounded more like an insult than a nice gesture, in more ways than one.

But then Mayo just shrugged. “Gracias compa! If you ever need a favor, or a friend…you know where to find me.”

He heard the meticulous way “friend” was pronounced, and he didn’t miss the suggestive gaze, right on the fine line between being flirtatious and blunt.

They didn’t see each other for a long time after that. Mayo kept his promise, moving their agreed amount and nothing more, so Amado kept his word as well, never asking for a tax. Frankly, that amount of money would mean nothing to him if he could make this new deal with Cali.

Then he wouldn’t just be moving the products. He would be selling them.

It felt weird to meet with Pacho in the presence of others. He was so used to it being just them. It was easier that way, more relaxing. They always did other things besides talking business. Those times gave him a brief illusion that the Colombian was his.

The meeting went well, and he felt nothing but gratefulness towards Pacho, knowing that Cali would never share their US territory with a Mexican if Pacho didn’t vouch for him.

In a way, that was the worst part, because he couldn’t even find a reason to be mad. How could he be mad at Pacho for not staying for a drink, when Pacho helped him to get half of the US market?

He flew back to Mexico that night and had no sleep, and the next afternoon he went to Mazatlán.

That’s why he’s standing by the port again right now, looking at the same boat. Or maybe it was a different one, just similar. He couldn’t really tell, just like others couldn’t tell his planes apart too.

The sun is just beginning to set, painting the sky a shade of dark orange, tainting all reflections on the water with golden sparkles. Mayo is sitting on the deck, enjoying a bottle of beer, his baseball cap placed on a chair right next to him.

He looks at Amado, and then tells his guys to leave.

“I guess you don’t need a favor.”

Amado takes off his sunglasses. He doesn’t need them under the dim sunlight. “No.”

Mayo smiles and takes the baseball cap off the chair, casually tossing it on a pile of nets nearby. “Then come aboard.”

It’s still dark below the deck, but he has just enough light to see the person right in front of him, and everything else in the background is blurred out. Their clothes are scattered on the floor. Their lips are on each other’s body so they don’t need to talk. The blankets and sheets still smell like the sea, but it’s not a bad odor— it’s fresh and natural.

It reminds him of a nice cool breeze in the midst of summer heat.

They lay side by side catching their breath, letting their heartbeats slow down after the overwhelming raw pleasure. Then the awkwardness suddenly hits him, and he doesn’t know what to say or do. That never happened before, not with women because they always wanted to cuddle, and not with Pacho either. They were already friends before anything else.

But Mayo’s not his friend, and certainly not a woman, but that thought makes him break into a smile, and Mayo spots it immediately.

“Something funny?”

There’s no point in denying it, but he’s not going to share the details. “A little.”

Mayo reaches for his pants on the floor, and takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter from the pockets. “Good funny?”

“If you say so.” He waves it off when Mayo offers him the pack. This dark, enclosed space is perfect for sex, but terrible for smoking.

Mayo apparently doesn’t mind as he lights one for himself, the little spark shines on his face, casting a shadow of the nicely shaped nose.

“Did you come up with El Mayo yourself?” Amado doesn’t know where that question came from, probably just a random thought his brain made up on its own to alleviate the uneasiness.

“Yeah, why?”

“Just the month of May?”

“Why not?” Mayo blows out a puff of smoke. “It’s a good time of the year. Not too hot, not too rainy, great for sailing.”

That makes perfect sense, but almost too much sense for people like them. It feels too effortless, too authentic.

“Also, what other options do I have? El Señor de Los Cielos sounds cool, but lord of the sea just sounds like some dirty pirate with golden teeth.”

Amado bursts out laughing at that ridiculous mental image, and the best part is that it doesn’t even look bad. Mayo as a dirty pirate? Hilarious, but not bad.

Mayo laughs with him, and then doesn’t say more. Silence falls upon them again, but the awkwardness is miraculously gone.

Mayo finishes the cigarette and takes his watch from a tiny table next to the bed, which might or might not count as a nightstand. Amado sits up straight, taking it as his cue to leave.

“You want something to eat?” Mayo takes a look at time, and then starts putting on his pants. “There’s a pretty nice seafood place around here.”

“What?”

Mayo shrugs, buckling up the belt. “It’s dinner time, unless you want to drive straight back.”

The restaurant is small and vibrant, full of regular civilians, half look like fishermen or sailors, or maybe they’re also criminals pretending to be normal, like them.

The owner comes out to greet Mayo, not with a handshake but an earnest hug, the kind of hug that only belongs to people who have known each other for a long time.

“I give José free shrimp all the time, so he lets me eat here free for life.” Mayo suddenly says, after the owner brought them their third round of free drinks.

Amado drinks a large gulp of cold beer. “Well, does he know why you never ask to be paid?”

Mayo just looks at him and smiles. There’s something special with that smile, by now Amado has noticed. He’s no stranger to nice smiles. He’s seen it on Pacho a thousand times, seductive and irresistible. But this is different; it’s lighthearted and simple, even contagious, like smiling doesn’t need a reason.

It makes him want to smile too.

They have developed into a routine since then. There isn’t a fixed schedule, of course, that would be fucking weird, but they can always find out when is a good time for the other person, meaning business is going smoothly and no one’s trying to kill them at the moment.

Again, people like them always have their ways.

He’s been to most of Mayo’s boats, if not all. He even ranked them based on their comfort levels in his head. It’s actually how he can tell them apart to a large extent, not that he’s ever going to tell Mayo that. He has also learned what restaurants in Mazatlán have the freshest seafood, and that has completely ruined all seafood restaurants in Juárez. Now they all taste like shit, even the most expensive ones.

His favorite is still José’s place. The oysters are to die for, and the shrimp too, but that doesn’t surprise him. José never lets him pay, even when he’s not going with Mayo, but he always leaves a generous tip.

One day, when Amado arrives at the port as usual, he’s suddenly hit with two realizations. One, they literally have never fucked on dry land. Two, he’s always the one running around. Mayo has never been to Juárez, at least not for this matter.

“You don’t live on your boats, right?” He asks, just to make sure.

Mayo snorts, “on these boats?! What made you think that?”

“I don’t know, man. You’re here every time.” Amado shrugs, looking around at the now familiar surroundings. A random mechanic recognizes him and nods.

Mayo gives him a thoughtful look. “You never asked to go anywhere else.”

That’s true, because boats are the perfect place to do what they do. They can just sail out, park anywhere and all of a sudden, it’s like the whole world disappears. Whatever they do stays in the middle of nowhere, and at this point, they have done a lot.

However, if he’s being completely honest with himself, boats are not yachts, and he’s not twenty years old anymore. It doesn’t hurt to fuck on a nice soft king-sized bed once in a while.

“You know, if you want a change of scenery, you don’t have to come here.” Mayo leans forward a little, staring right into his eyes like he’s reading his mind. “I’m sure it’d be a lot more comfortable in your new house, or more exciting on a plane.”

Amado’s genuinely impressed at how Mayo effortlessly turned the table, kicking the ball right back to him, even making it sound a bit like his fault.

“You never offered to make the trip.” He responds, intentionally mimicking what the other man said earlier.

“I’m offering now.”

He swallows, not sure how he’s so aroused by that simple sentence, maybe it has something to do with that unfazed attitude. “The house or the plane?”

“Your place, your call.”

Mayo whistles when they walk into one of the large living rooms. “How long did they take to build this again?”

“Too long if you ask me.”

Outside of the floor-to-ceiling window, a few gardeners are working on the lawn. Amado walks over and closes the curtains.

Mayo runs his fingertips along the large dining table, “is this marble?”

“I think so.”

Mayo smirks, and without asking for his permission, picks up the crystal vase at the center of the table and gently sets it on the floor. “Ever tried it?”

A strong sense of deja vu suddenly hits him. The first time Pacho came to his new house, in this exact same living room, whispering in his ear, “now pick a bedroom.”

He blinks and shakes that memory out of his mind. Interestingly, he has been thinking about Pacho less frequently, at least less intensely. What just happened used to be a regular occurrence, but just now it took him by surprise.

Mayo is leaning sideways on the marble table, head slightly tilted to the side, patiently waiting. He doesn’t seem to be bothered by the unexpected silence. If anything, he looks curious.

Amado shakes his head a bit frustratedly. “You just hate regular nice beds, don’t you?”

“I like them for sleeping.”

He rolls his eyes. “This is an open area. People can walk in anytime.” Not only that, there is a big sculpture of The Last Supper on the shelf directly facing this table.

“They all work for you, just tell them to stay away. We can be quiet.” Mayo glances at the sculpture, and then gives him a smirk, outright sinful. “Come on, don’t tell me you’ve never thought about it.”

He gives in. He can never resist. Sometimes he wonders how he hasn’t developed a coke addiction with his crappy self control. Maybe sex is the only thing he’s drawn to.

Despite his vindictive efforts to make it difficult, Mayo does manage to stay quiet, but he can tell the tension and excitement from the grip on his shoulders, hard enough to leave bruises. He doesn’t care. If he looks up, he can see eye to eye with Jesus. For a brief moment he doesn’t care about that either. Why should he? They’re both going to hell anyway.

Amado wakes up in the morning next to another warm naked body. Right, they did it again last night, finally on a bed like normal people. Sunlight shines through the small slit between heavy curtains. The room looks peaceful at this time, and so does the person. For some reason Mayo always woke up before him in their previous encounters, so this is actually the first time Amado sees him asleep.

He doesn’t realize he’s leaning in until their faces are inches apart from each other. Then Mayo opens his eyes.

It could be some sixth sense that they all eventually develop in their world. The sleepiness in Mayo’s light brown eyes turns into alert immediately. Amado jumps back just in time to avoid being hit in the face.

The air is filled with awkward tension as they stare at each other from their own side of bed, both still naked under the cover.

“Shit man,” Mayo laughs and runs a hand down his face, “don’t scare me like that.”

“Sorry.” He mutters, turning away to get out of bed.

“What time is it?” Mayo asks, although there is a large clock right there on the wall.

“Around 8:40.” Amado answers as he walks to the closet, putting on a black bathrobe.

“Great, I should be back by noon.” Mayo takes the identical robe right next to it and wraps it around himself.

“Something going on?”

“There’s always something going on.” Mayo brushes off the question and walks towards the bathroom, but stops in front of the nightstand as something catches his eye.

“Huh, is this the one you flew to Mazatlán last time?” He picks it up, and Amado’s heart drops as he sees what’s in the other man’s hands.

“Put that down!”

“Sí, tranquilo!” Mayo immediately sets it back down on the nightstand, and then puts up both hands. “Sorry.”

Amado pinches the bridge of his nose. He didn’t realize how dramatic his tone was, but he’s not going to apologize. Mayo shouldn’t be touching his stuff without asking, but he also didn’t set that rule straight yesterday with the vase.

Mayo crosses his arms and fixes him with an inquisitive stare, not at all offended or demanding, just simply curious about his sudden outburst, and somehow that enrages him even more. He knows it’s not the best way to deal with the situation, but at this moment, he just wants to tell Mayo to go take a shower, get dressed and get out of his house.

“My bad, I should have known.” Mayo breaks the silence with another apology. “Of course you would have some strong attachments to planes, even if it’s a model.”

If it came from anyone else, it would sound like they were making fun of him, saying he was like a little boy holding onto his toys. But Mayo somehow always manages to make the teasing remarks sound harmless and fun, like there are no other hidden meanings.

Amado sighs, “it was my daughter’s.”

Sometimes he forgets that he doesn’t have to hide her existence anymore. No one can hurt her now.

“Oh, I didn’t know you had a daughter.” Mayo lifts his eyebrows in surprise. “How old is she?”

“Six.” He walks towards the nightstand and adjusts the toy plane to the exact same location and angle as before. “She was six.”

He knows Mayo will catch the specific choice of word, so he doesn’t bother to meet him in the eye. He remembers how Pacho looked at him after hearing the news: shock, pity, pain… As heartwarming as it was to know someone else cared, he doesn’t want to see any of that again.

“I’m really sorry. I didn’t know.”

Amado remains quiet, because he doesn’t want to say it’s ok. It’s fucking not.

“What was her name?”

“Anna.”

“Sounds very pretty.”

She is. She’s the prettiest little girl he’s ever seen.

He hears a gentle sigh, and then footsteps walking away. The bathroom door closes, and water starts running.

Nothing prepared Amado for the news Pacho brought. Cali is getting out of the business, for good. But why? How? What is he going to do? Where else can he get this amount of supply? “Gilberto and Miguel have always treated me as family. I’m going to join them.”

Amado understands that. Really, he does. But what about him? Hasn’t he always treated Pacho with utmost respect, trust and adoration? Hasn’t he been the best business partner, a good friend and more?

What about them?

Once Pacho has made up his mind, there’s no way to change it. Amado knows. That’s one of the reasons he respects him so much. But respect does nothing to ease the pain, so he does the only thing he knows whenever he’s in a bad place these days. He dials the familiar number.

Mayo opens the door when he arrives at the house in a suburban area. Amado hasn’t been here before, but it looks like a nice house, just not the house. It’s well decorated, both comfortable and aesthetic, but he just doesn’t feel like this is a place Mayo would call home. Why he feels that way, he doesn’t know, and he’s also not in the mood to think about.

They waste no time getting into bed, pieces of clothing scattered all over the expensive carpet. They’ve done it both ways, and both have been highly enjoyable, but tonight he’s not here for fun. He just desperately needs to let out his frustration in someone, someone who doesn’t mind.

When he shoves the other man into the mattress, Mayo shoots him a suspicious glance but doesn’t protest, which he really appreciates. He enters the warm body with little preparation, feeling the muscles clenching around his length. He forces himself to take a deep breath and slow down, so he doesn’t actually hurt him. Causing pain to whomever he sleeps with is never a turn-on.

Underneath him Mayo silently grabs the silky sheet, and he covers it with his own hand, intertwining their fingers tightly until their knuckles turn white.

The orgasm is satisfying and cathartic as usual, but physical pleasure can only do so much. They sit on their own sides of bed, the only thing floating in silent air is the smoke from two cigarettes.

Finally Mayo turns to him first, intentionally blowing a puff of smoke next to his face. “That bad?”

Amado knows he’s not talking about the sex. That was never bad.

That’s never the bad part with anyone.

“Have you ever had partners?” He asks, although he doesn’t even know why that question came to mind, or how that’s relevant in any way.

“Partners? No.” Mayo chuckles, “things change, people change, and once you have a disagreement…”

He pauses and turns to look Amado in the eye. It’s probably not a special or intense look to anyone else, but Amado knows all about it now: the teasing suggestiveness that’s always followed by something provocative, for better or worse.

“When things don’t work out, you will have to betray them, or kill them, right?”

Amado frowns, suddenly realizes how audacious Mayo has become with him, but what’s worse is that he doesn’t feel offended or threatened when he should.

“Hey, no judgment here. You do what you have to do. That’s the business.” Mayo pats him playfully on the naked shoulder. “I’m just saying that’s too much trouble for me. Always better to be my own boss.”

Is it? Maybe. Amado agrees, but he wouldn’t have agreed a decade ago. He thinks about Acosta, and even Miguel. He used to see them as partners. Maybe he doesn’t call them families like how Pacho calls the other Cali godfathers, but he cared about them at some point.

But Mayo has always been on his own. Maybe he’s more of a lone wolf than any of them.

Maybe that’s why Amado keeps coming back.

He thought losing his supply would be the biggest problem, but he should have known the golden rule in their business: when one thing goes to shit, everything goes to shit.

He just got off the plane an hour ago, hadn’t even had something to eat yet, and the fucking Arellanos shot up his favorite restaurant. He lost two bodyguards, but everyone else got out of there safely. He’s unscratched.

Amado rushes back home, asks his men to do a thorough security evaluation, and pours himself a generous glass of whiskey. When his phone rings, he has barely finished one third of the glass.

Mayo doesn’t bother to say hello. “Did they make a move on you too?”

It’s a vague question, doesn’t even specify who they are. Amado can play oblivious if he wants, but a shootout in a public restaurant is no secret, so there’s no point in denying.

“Why are you asking?”

He hears a sigh. “Well, they burned my ship. Just trying to figure out if I’m the only one they’re pissed at.”

Amado almost wants to tell him he got off easy. Having a ship burned sounds much better than being shot at. But this is not the time for jokes.

“You want to meet tomorrow? For business.” Now that he thinks about it, the last two words really aren’t necessary.

“Sure, Juárez or Mazatlán?”

“I’ll fly there first thing in the morning. Meet by the port?”

“Sounds good. I’ll show you the wreckage.”

Mayo makes it sound like something good, which he doesn’t understand, but now he’s curious. Which ship was burned? The biggest one? How many times have they done it in that one?

“So…see you tomorrow?” Mayo asks tentatively, snapping him out of his roaming thoughts. He must have been quiet for a while.

He quickly confirms and hangs up the phone. It’s been a long day, and he needs to get up early tomorrow. Time for some sleep.

Amado has never been to this port in the morning, and the beautiful scene makes him wonder why he hasn’t. Morning sunlight is bright but gentle, without the burning afternoon heat, just a hopeful glow on the tranquil water. It contrasts the ship wreckage perfectly, almost in an artistic way.

“Shit, the biggest one?” Amado shakes his head looking at the ruins. “Always come for what we love, right?”

“It’s a shame. She was my favorite one. Still had a few good years to go.” Mayo touches the burned metal frame. “But it’s fine. We managed to put it out before it could spread to other boats.”

“I assume you’re here to talk about a plan.” Mayo leads him to another boat, takes out two bottles of beers from a freezer and throws him one.

He catches it. “And I assume you already have one.”

Mayo smirks behind the beer bottle, and then goes on to explain how he plans to use Sinaloan’s manpower to move products through Tijuana. It’s a unique plan, the kind of plan that only Mayo can pull off, because the asshole knows everyone and somehow always gets what he wants from these connections.

That means Mayo wants something from him too.

“What do you need from me?”

“Chapo already has men, so we just need products to get going. The numbers you’re doing? I’m sure you don’t mind sparing a little.” Mayo raises the half empty bottle to him, “and I’ll take care of the rest.”

“What rest?”

“What else?” Mayo shrugs, “the Arellanos tried to kill you. Surely the Lord of the Skies won’t let that slide.”

The sun is rising higher, and he puts on his sunglasses. “I don’t know. The Arellanos helped me to take down Félix.”

Mayo simply takes another sip of beer. “So?”

The nonchalance and casual cruelty send an exciting chill down his spine, rushing blood to somewhere that it absolutely shouldn’t go right now.

“I’ll advance your products.” He says, a bit hurriedly. It’s a good thing that he has his sunglasses on.

“Great. Then it’s a deal.”

Usually this is when they shake hands, but at this point, they both know they’re closer than that.

“It’s a deal.” Amado nods, and claps Mayo’s shoulder, giving it a firm shake.

The other man immediately tenses up under his touch, almost like a held-back flinch. The beer bottle drops on the deck and shatters.

“What…” Startled, Amado removes his hand. “What the hell was that?”

“Nothing. The bottle just got slippery.”

“No, what happened to your left arm?”

Mayo waves it off with the other arm. “It’s fine, man. Not a big deal.”

“Don’t give me that shit.” He meant to use a stern tone, but it comes out more annoyed than anything. “What the fuck’s going on?”

Mayo lets out a frustrated sigh, acting like Amado is the unreasonable one here. “Just a burn I got last night, when I got off the ship.”

“When you…wait, they tried to burn the ship while you were on the ship?”

“You know how it is. We’ve all done it.” Mayo says that casually, and Amado truly doesn’t understand how he’s so calm about it. People fuck over and kill each other in this business. That’s no news. But almost being burned alive?!

“They fucked up their chance, and now it’s our turn. It’s that simple.” Mayo explains, like he’s the one trying to calm Amado down, which is quite funny since Amado is usually the calm one.

Then it hits him. He is usually calmer than this. He’s had friends killed. He has killed friends. Mayo is right, because a burn on the arm is nothing with their standard. He shouldn’t care this much.

He doesn’t know when he started to.

“We’ll get back at them, right?” Mayo pulls him out of his thoughts again. “That’s what we’re talking about here.”

“Yeah.” Amado adjusts his sunglasses, trying to get his brain back to business mode, and when he speaks, the viciousness in his voice matches perfectly with the rage inside. “They need to die.”

“I’ll make sure of that.”

“But try to do it quietly. We don’t want to end up like Benjamín.”

Mayo gives him a smile, the kind of smile that’s only reserved for when they’re alone, often naked. “Please Amado, we both know how to keep things quiet pretty well.”

Turns out things can only be so quiet when you’re torturing and killing people daily. Mayo even burned a bunch of people alive. Of course he did.

The violence doesn’t surprise him, but Hank’s reaction does. It starts to make more sense when he puts more thoughts into the situation. Hank is a politician, and with politicians, it’s all about appearances, about what everything looks like on the outside. At the end of the day, they don’t care how many people in the drug business die, as long as it doesn’t get traced back to them. That’s why Hank is threatening to cut all ties.

Again, when one thing goes to shit, everything goes to shit.

Pacho visits him again to talk about a final deal with Cali, but they both know that’s just an excuse for them to see each other one last time.

They drink, they talk, they laugh at each other’s jokes. Everything feels natural and relaxing, because by one in a million chance, they actually enjoy each other’s company. They like each other, a lot, and that fucking destroys him.

When they finally move to the bedroom, Amado wishes time would pause so he can imprint every detail of this experience in his brain, remember every little sound Pacho makes when he’s touched, the way each muscle tenses with arousal, and how those beautiful brown eyes stare right into his when pleasure takes them both over the edge.

He will miss this, he knows, every bit of it.

“Stay.” He says hopefully, desperately. “We can start something on our own. It’ll be good, just like the old times.”

The old times are slipping away, faster everyday and he can’t stop it. He wants Pacho, needs Pacho to be here, to remind him that it’s possible to have something actually good come out of this business, besides money he can’t spend in ten life times.

“I can’t. You know I would if I could.” Pacho’s smooth voice sounds even deeper, almost like a sigh, and there’s nothing other than honesty and sorrow in his words. “Gilberto, Miguel and Chepe are my family. I love them. I can’t leave them when they need me the most.”

Amado feels a lump in his throat, and he has to blink away the burning sensation behind his eyes. He will miss Pacho, but that’s not even the worst part.

The worst part is he sees it now: not even Pacho can give him what he craves for.

It’s not sex, and even a good friendship isn’t enough. The way Pacho is willing to risk everything for his Cali family, the way Acosta was willing to die for Mimi, that is what he wants. And he hasn’t felt that since he lost his daughter.

He wants someone. What’s the fucking point to get on top of the world only to end up dying alone in a ditch or a small cell?

“Hey, Amado…” Pacho touches his cheek, uncharacteristically gentle, eyes filled with genuine care and empathy. “You will find your way out too, and you will find someone to do it with. You know that, right?”

He doesn’t know how Pacho read his mind, and also doesn’t know the answer to that question, but he smiles and says yes, because both of them deserve to hear it. They should end on a hopeful note, just like how they started, believing they were building the biggest collaborative empire in narcos history. Now, they need to believe they will get out of it.

Preparing for a grand escape plan is not easy, especially for someone like him: the number one target on everyone’s list, since he’s doing the biggest numbers.

There are several times when Amado’s having too much stress and not enough sleep, he has an almost unstoppable desire to call Mayo. It’s like a habit now, the perfect person to have an hour of good time with just to chase some temporary release before he has to get back to reality. At least that’s what he’s telling himself. It’s just the sex, and the good food, and the occasional entertaining conversations, and… He shakes himself out of it. This is not a good time for that. There won’t ever be a good time again.

Surprisingly, Mayo ends up contacting him first, saying they have business to discuss. Honestly, they do. Things in Tijuana are getting too loud, which can’t be good for his already challenging escape plan. And speaking of that, he should at least have the decency to let Mayo know, not about his plan of course, but just the fact that their deal, cooperation and whatever else is over.

Amado should have reached out first, but he has been delaying it because he’s been busy, because there are a hundred more important things to take care of, because Mayo probably doesn’t even need it — such a gesture is never expected from people like them.

All these are true, but none of them is the most crucial reason.

He doesn’t want to.

This is the most silent conversation they’ve had, even tenser than the first time they met, or the first time they fucked. He used to think it was impossible to have an awkward interaction with Mayo. The man has many talents, but the most of them all is his forever easygoing demeanor. It has always been comfortable to be around him, until now.

“So, is the rumor true?” Mayo takes a small sip of beer and sets the bottle neatly on the coaster.

“What rumor?” It’s not a rhetorical question. There are ten new rumors every hour these days.

“You know, about Cali.” Mayo smiles and tilts his head suggestively, and the air is filled with a dangerous sense of provocation, dancing on the edge of offensiveness. “People have been talking, but who knows better than you? You are the one with the relationship.”

The words are spoken in a gentle, teasing tone, almost warm, yet Amado feels himself freeze, muscles tensing up instinctively like he’s about to enter a shootout.

He bites out the word in a flat tone. “Relationship?”

“Yeah? I mean, we’re all transporting their products, but you are the only one they have a close relationship with. Everyone knows that.”

Amado slowly leans closer, usually that would be a gesture of intimacy between them, but now it only carries threat and pressure. “What are you trying to say, Mayo?”

“That they’re getting out of the business?” Mayo shrugs and picks up the beer bottle again, casually taking another sip, and just like that, the air is again filled with a relaxed atmosphere. “They’re your supply, and right now my supply is you, so I need to know if that’s true.”

Amado stares into Mayo’s eyes, hoping to see something in the other man’s eyes that can give him away: nervousness, challenge or even smugness, but there’s nothing besides curiosity, as if that provocative stare earlier only existed in Amado’s imaginations.

Mayo silently holds his gaze, completely chill like he has nothing to hide, and if Amado knows anything about the man, is that he can maintain that pretense for as long as he wants.

Amado sighs and leans back into his chair. “It’s true.”

“I see.” Mayo nods, seemingly not surprised at all. “Things are changing fast these days, huh?”

“They are.”

“Well, guess I’ll get going then, a lot to take care of.” Mayo finishes the beer, grabs his cowboy hat and starts walking away, but then he stops, turning back to Amado again.

“Hey you know what? Why don’t you fly me back to Mazatlán?”

“…What?”

“You’ve been on all my boats, but I’ve never been on one of your planes.” Mayo leans sideways on a wall, a pretty clear gesture to show he’s not leaving until he gets what he wants. “That doesn’t sound fair, does it?”

It’s a silly question. Since when is fairness ever a consideration in their business? But this isn’t a business request.

This entire meeting has little to do with business.

Mayo doesn’t hide his surprise and confusion when they get out of the car at the end of a dirt road, surrounded by sparse desert plants.

“What, didn’t meet your expectations?” Amado feels the corners of his mouth curving up as he leads them through a narrow path into an open area covered by bushes and large stones, where a few small but efficient planes are hidden. If he has a choice, he rather spends more time here, out in an open field with his planes. He can fly away anytime, get up there in the sky and let everything fade away. How nice would that be?

“Maybe? I thought it would be fancier, you know, like your house.”

Amado snorts, “I’m sure the DEA would love that too.”

“Fair enough, so which one’s your favorite?”

“None of them. My favorite one, she is a bit too old to fly now.” Amado answers truthfully. There’s no need for tests and games now. This is the last time.

“I get it. It’s like your first love, never easy to let go.” Mayo nods, not in a casual, dismissive way, but like he truly understands, and maybe he does. Maybe Mayo also bought his first boat on a payment plan, and kept it running as long as he could.

Amado doesn’t know if that’s really the case because he never asked, and it’s too late to ask now. So he simply walks to a plane and unlocks the door.

Mayo climbs into the co-pilot seat, not hiding his curiosity as he observes the hundreds of buttons on the control panel, and even touches a few without asking. Amado’s pretty sure Mayo did that just to push his buttons.

“Yeah, this is too fucking complicated.”

“They’re pretty intuitive once you understand them.” Amado quickly completes the checklist before taking off. It’s like muscle memory to him now. “I like it more than driving.”

“Oh I’m sure! At least there’s no traffic up there.” Mayo laughs, and it sounds no different than their countless previous encounters. Amado swallows down the uncomfortable sourness in his chest, silently moving the plane to the runway.

“Put your headset on.”

“Yes sir.” The teasing voice comes out of his own headset and it makes his neck tingle. It sounds too close, like a whisper right into his ear.

The runway looks unimpressive but it’s very well maintained. Within a minute, they’re smoothly going up in the air.

Once they reach a stable attitude, he immediately hears Mayo’s voice coming from the headset again. “So how good of a pilot are you?”

Amado scoffs, “what do you think?”

“I don’t know, maybe you’ve gotten rusty? It’s not like you need to transport your own cargo these days.”

Amado rolls his eyes. “If you’re challenging me to do tricks in the air, it’s not fucking happening.”

“What? No! Why would I…” Mayo bursts out laughing, “I have something else in mind.”

“No.” Amado hears the word coming out of his own mouth before Mayo’s hand reaches his thigh.

“Why not?”

“Do you want to die?”

“I thought you were a good pilot.” The hand slowly moves closer, skillful fingers closing around his belt buckle, “a very good one.”

“Stop it.”

“Calm down. We won’t be landing in a while, right? I’m not a pilot but I know this is the easy part.” His belt buckle opens with a click. He didn’t actually hear it with his headset on, but somehow he felt the sound.

Mayo was right. There’s not much to do until he starts the landing process. Sure, it’s still reckless to get a handjob while flying, but that’s not why he can’t do it.

He’s already enjoying everything too much as it is.

“Mayo, stop it right now.” He says that in the most threatening tone he can manage at the moment, but even he can hear the subtle shakiness.

He hears a scoff, and then his zipper opens. “I don’t think you mean that.”

Soft fingertips meet his growing desire, and there’s no way to explain, nowhere to hide.

No. This is not happening.

He grabs Mayo’s hand, yanks it out of his pants and throws it to the other side of the cockpit like a piece of hot metal.

Amado hears a loud bang, and from the side vision, he sees Mayo’s body tense up at the impact. He expects a painful groan, but no sound is coming through his headset.

He sighs and turns to look. Mayo’s balling his left hand into a fist. It looks red with a few small cuts. Maybe it hit an uneven surface on the control panel.

Mayo silently looks up and meets his gaze, and for the first time, he sees a crack of that seemingly undisturbable front. He sees rage, raw and uncontrolled, natural. If Amado weren’t still controlling the plane, he would definitely be punched in the face now.

“Did anything break?”

“No.”

“Ok.”

He wants to say more, maybe even apologize, but then decides against it. He wishes he could do something without much talking, like offering an ice pack. Then he remembers he can actually do that.

“There’s a first aid box at the back if you need it.”

“Ok.” Mayo says, but doesn’t go get it.

They spend the rest of the flight in complete silence. When they’re approaching Mazatlán, Amado nearly makes a comment on how beautiful the sea is, just a natural reaction, but then he bites his lips and swallows the words back.

The landing is as smooth as the take off. Amado turns off the engine, and suddenly all background noise disappears.

Mayo gives him one last look, neither hostile or friendly, just acknowledging his existence.

“It was a good ride, for as long as it lasted.”

Then he opens the door and steps off. Amado watches him walk away. He thought it would feel different, more significant in a way, but it’s not. It’s just a walk, probably a regular occurance for Mayo, walking away from someone, forgetting everything they offered and didn’t offer, and just like that, simply onto the next journey.

Always better to be my own boss.

He’s a man of his words, and Amado respects that.

It takes another three weeks to get everything ready: house, money, securities, the exact plane he needs to fly. He thought about every possible way that things could go wrong and how to counter each scenario. It’s the best plan he could come up with, and if that doesn’t work…well, there’s an end to everything.

It’s 6 pm in the evening. Amado sits alone on the grand staircase, looking down at the luxurious living room. He once overheard a maid telling a gardener the sunset looked gorgeous from the floor to ceiling window in this living room. He didn’t pay much attention, pretty much forgot about it right after. But just earlier today it suddenly came back to him, because he wanted to watch the beautiful sunset from his home at least once.

In two days, he will be gone.

He slowly sips a glass of whiskey, watching the sky get darker. Maybe he’s supposed to feel some kind of tranquility. Things might not go as planned tomorrow, he knows that and has made peace with it more or less. Whatever happens, he’s had an exciting life, more exciting than most.

Still, he can’t shake the restless feeling in his chest, and deep down he knows why. It’s been there since his last trip to Mazatlán.

Mayo might have gotten the closure he wanted, but Amado hasn’t.

He’s been telling himself it doesn’t matter either way, but that’s a lie. He’s never been someone to leave a loose end of any kind. He’s never been a coward since he got into this business, and he’s certainly not going to be one at the end of it.

Amado gets up from the stairs, grabs a jacket and walks out of the door.

It’s already pitch dark when he gets to Mazatlán, completely alone. Ironically, that reminds him of their first few encounters, always in the darkness that hides them from everyone else, as well as themselves.

He knows where Mayo lives. He’s known it for a very long time, but never had a reason to visit without an invitation, until now.

The guards by the door look equally perplexed and scared, and Amado wonders if their patrón ever informed them of this possibility, if Mayo ever expected him to intrude.

The door opens after several minutes, and through some complicated corridors, he’s led to a cozy room that looks like a study. The light is dim and intimate, the armchair feels soft. Everything here is screaming for something to happen, except the owner himself.

“What a big surprise.” Mayo gives him a smile across from the large wooden desk, appropriate and polite.

“I hope you don’t mind.”

“Does it matter if I do?”

Amado looks away for a second. “Maybe not.” It’s true. Once he’s gone it wouldn’t matter.

“So? This must be something important.”

“No, nothing’s wrong. It’s just…I didn’t make it clear last time.” He takes a deep breath, and then slowly exhales. “I told you about the supply, but…”

He stops mid-sentence. He’s practiced this over a hundred times in his head on the way here, but there is no other way to say I’m disappearing for good without actually saying it.

“You won’t see or hear from me again,” he ends up saying. It’s the closest to truth he can afford to share, “for quite a while.”

“I see.” There’s a second of surprise on Mayo’s face, but he immediately looks away to hide it. Then it’s completely gone when their eyes meet again. “Maybe laying low for a while isn’t a bad idea, considering all that’s happening.”

Part of Amado wishes Mayo to say something else, to give a hint that he knows what’s really happening, so there is at least one person in the world that understands.

But why should Mayo understand? It’s not like he knows much about Mayo either. Amado looks at the artworks and books on the shelf behind the desk. Are they just decorations or do they have more meanings? He doesn’t know, does he?

“You’re gonna be ok? With supply and everything?”

Mayo chuckles, relaxed and genuine just like the good old times. “You know me, Amado.”

“Yeah. Always been your own boss, right?”

He feels the smile on his own face as they look at each other. There is no tension or sorrow, just a peacefulness that makes his stomach warm.

“Oh, I almost forgot! Since you’re here…” Mayo opens a drawer and takes out a small box. “I wanted to give it to you last time when you flew me back, but you know, plans change.”

It’s not wrapped or decorated in any way, just a plain black box. He gives Mayo a questioning look, but the other man just shrugs, so he opens it.

It’s a small sculpture of a boat, not like the ones Mayo uses to transport shrimp and coke, but a dreamy sailboat with exquisite pink and golden patterns, like something that belongs to a princess in fairy tales. Under the boat, white waves are curling on the crystal blue ocean, but they also look like sky and clouds.

And on the boat is a dark-haired little girl in a long white dress. Her eyes are closed and her lips are tilted up into a sweet smile. She’s holding a bible to her chest, a cross dangling from her neck.

Right below where the girl is standing, on the side of the boat, it writes Anna.

Amado opens his mouth to say something, but he feels his throat close up. Suddenly it’s hard to make a sound or even breathe.

“At first I wanted to make a plane that takes her to heaven, but then I figured it might be too modern for God.” He hears Mayo speaking again. Maybe he’s been silent for too long, but his brain can’t even register the words he’s hearing. “I mean, the ark was a boat, right?”

“I…” He tries to speak again, and his voice comes out hoarse and strained. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Hey, it’s ok, really!” Now somehow Mayo also seems to be panicking a little, which is almost a miracle. “It’s not like I made it myself. I just paid someone to do it and it’s not even expensive.”

Amado traces the word Anna with his fingertips, feeling the delicate design. All of a sudden a trigger in his brain is flipped, releasing a piece of memory, with Pacho’s voice echoing in his ears.

You will find someone.

He already has, when he wasn’t even looking.

He was just fucking blind.

He reaches over and grabs Mayo’s hand.

“Come with me.”

“…What? To where?”

“I’m not laying low for a while. I’m leaving, forever, in two days.”

“Oh! Ok…that’s…” So many turbulent emotions flash through Mayo’s face, and Amado has never seen something more vivid, more real. “And you said…What are you asking exactly?!”

“I know I should have said something sooner, way sooner, but it’s now or never.” Amado feels the hand under his palm tense up, so he rubs circles on the skin soothingly. “And I don’t want it to be never.”

“You…” Mayo stares at him completely dumbfounded, speechless. Maybe he deserves some kind of award just for that. “You can’t be serious.”

“I am. Look, just think about it. How long are you gonna keep doing this? And what’s your end goal? To make bigger numbers than me? Than Cali? Escobar?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“I know, I’m not…” He feels Mayo trying to pull the hand away, so he lets it go out of respect. “You’re right. That’s none of my business, but I know one thing.”

He looks around the room at the tasteful decorations representing their owner’s wealth. “All these… They’ll be gone when the end catches up, one way or another.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

“You know, but no one really wants that, not even you.” Amado leans forward and puts both of his hands on the desk. “For the longest time I also thought I was fine with it, but no one wants to be alone.”

Mayo remains quiet and expressionless for a while, and Amado waits patiently, more than willing to give him the time. But then his entire figure hardens. “So that’s what this is all about.”

Amado senses something is terribly wrong, but he doesn’t know what. “What do you mean?”

“Well let’s see, where do I begin? The government was onto you, you lost your supply and your Colombian boyfriend dumped you. So you came up with an escape plan, which was a pretty good idea. But when the 48 hour count down began, you had some kind of…fucking existential crisis, so you came here to grab the first person you could think of, to bring them like a bag of cash.”

“What?! No! How did you even…”

“No? Really?!” Mayo abruptly stands up and bangs on the desk with both hands, so hard that he feels the floor vibrate a little.

Amado leans back into his chair out of sheer instinct. He’s not frightened by the outburst, but he is genuinely, wholeheartedly in shock.

Mayo glances at the door and lowers his voice, but the menace it carries only increases. “Tell me again, when are you leaving?”

“In two days?”

“How long did it take for you to prepare?”

“…Several months.”

“And how long have we known each other?”

He looks up to meet Mayo’s eyes again, and he sees it, the thick layer of pain shadowing all the anger.

Mayo balls both hands into fists, slightly trembling with tension. Under the table, Amado holds the sculpture tightly, its hard edges digging into his palm. It hurts.

Maybe Mayo should have just punched him last time on the plane after they landed. He would have deserved it, and Mayo could have saved himself some trouble.

But nothing happens, just like nothing happened last time. Eventually Mayo lets out a long sigh and sits back down.

“I hope you can get away, and I’m not telling this to anyone.” Mayo takes out a cigarette and lights it, taking a long drag. “But get the fuck out of my house.”

Amado feels his body burning, but there’s also a scary numbness, like his brain literally just overheated his entire body because it couldn’t handle everything that was going on.

He swallows and puts his hands on the armrests, bracing himself to stand up, then turns around to walk away.

“I’m sorry.” He says, when he reaches the door. The words came out on their own, surprising himself. He turns around, truly one last time.

“I’m sorry. I mean it.”

“I said get out.”

Amado spends the next two days in autopilot mode. He already knows everything that needs to be done, so he just does them, but it feels more like accomplishing a preassigned task rather than going to his freedom. He doesn’t know what happens after, and he barely made sense of what happened before, so he is simply going to execute the plan. It’s his only option now.

He hugs his brother one last time when they get to the deserted secret airport, watching the car drive away. Then he just stands there by himself for a few minutes, registering the fact that this is really happening. Then he starts to move his luggage into the plane. There are quite a few bags, understandably, so it will take him several trips.

When he’s about to walk out of the plane to grab the last two duffel bags, he hears a car coming. Silently cursing, Amado takes out his gun and takes cover inside the plane, peeking out of a window.

The person walks out of the car.

His breath hitches.

Amado slowly walks down the air stair, pistol pointing at the ground. “You’re not here to shoot me, right?” It’s meant to be a joke, but he can’t rule that out completely based on their last meeting.

“Honestly? I considered it.” Mayo leans back on the car and crosses his arm, “but that doesn’t fit my best interest.”

“How did you even find me?”

“You brought me here once. Did you forget that too?”

He doesn’t respond, and doesn’t need to. They both know that doesn’t answer the question.

“I saw the news for the last two days. They’ve been seizing your large hangers, thinking they’ve got you pinned down. But I thought hey, maybe that was the plan, a well timed distraction.” Mayo shrugs, “Believe it or not, it was a blind guess, just good luck.”

Amado turns the safety back on and tucks the gun away. This isn’t luck. Mayo knows him, more than either of them is willing to admit.

“Alright, say I believe that.” He takes a few steps closer tentatively. “Why are you here?”

“I thought about what you said. Most of it was fucking bullshit, but you did have one good point.”

“Yeah? What’s that?” Amado adjusts his jacket. All of a sudden he’s feeling the chilliness of the evening breeze, like his body is coming out of the robotic state.

“I don’t want to wait for the end to catch up, and if I’m being honest, with how things are going these days? When the time comes for me I might not have a plan better than this one that you spent months working on, whatever it is.”

Mayo walks to the back of the car and opens the truck, revealing several large bags.

“So I’m taking advantage of this good chance right now.”

“So…you’re basically using me.” There’s a subtle sourness in his chest, but he knows he’s smiling.

“Well, you used me first for a fucking long time, so now it’s my turn.”

Amado walks over and helps him take out two bags. His own luggage on the ground can wait a little.

“Then let’s call it even?”

“I don’t know, depends on where we’re going.”

“Chile.”

Mayo thinks about it, and then smiles.

“Deal.”

“We also need to hide your car.” Amado says, after they moved everything into the plane.

“Don’t worry about it, José will take care of it later.” Mayo waves him off, “I do have some plans, you know?”

“Wait…José? José the restaurant guy?!”

Mayo pauses for several seconds, and then bursts out laughing. “Right, I never told you!”

“Never told me what?”

Mayo pats him on the shoulder, with that exact same casual playfulness as before. The only difference is this time Mayo lets the touch linger there.

“I’ll tell you everything later. We’ve got time.”

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