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ntamain · 3 years

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Is my (24F) neighbour (27F) into me or is she just being friendly? How do I know if she's gay?

another gay gem from the r/relationship reddit

Update:

Image ID under the cut, please let me know if I did it wrong!

[Image ID: four screenshots of a post from the relationship subreddit by tumblr user nta-main. The title reads “Is my (24F) neighbour (27F) into me or is she just being friendly? How do I know if she’s gay?”

The text reads “Update post is now locked, I cant believe so many people were interested in us!! Thank you again for your support, comments and messages.

Hi all, I can't believe I'm asking for advice from a bunch of strangers on the internet but I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. Sorry for the incoming essay but I guess I need to give history. I bought my first house in September last year, It was an odd time but everything just fell into place. It's quite a small village and everyone is really friendly so I got to know my neighbours soon after moving in - yes, socially distanced. Then I met my over-the-road neighbour, let's call her Elle. I can't describe it but it's the first time I've ever met someone and been lost for words and my heart was racing and just thought "omg", y'know?? So after I blushed my way through a welcome to the village type convo we only saw each other for a wave and hello for a few days.

To help kinda settle in I had my dog (Bea) with me for the first few weeks. During this time there was a massive increase in dog thefts in a nearby town, not just from gardens but literally wrestled away from people. If I'd have been working (furloughed off and on since March) then I would've taken Bea back to mum's but since I was home with her all day she stayed. So the local police advised to not walk dogs alone but we go out twice a day, a 10k run in the morning and a few miles walk in the evening. So obvs this scares me, but at the same time she is honestly a pain in the arse and gets upset if she doesn't go for a run and needs to be tired out so I'm kind of stuck at this point. Then along comes Elle. She knocked on the door and offered to come with us as she'd seen Bea and me in the evenings and everything kind of spiralled from there. I told her about my morning runs but she didn't really bite so I thought nothing of it. Then a few days later I bumped into her on a run, so she started joining us on those too.

A few months later and we are spending more and more time together everyday. It has now progressed to a run early morning, afternoon coffee, dinner most evenings and then the evening walk. It just seemed to happen without me really noticing. I didn't read into things that much as I don't want to get my hopes up and ruin anything until another neighbour commented about how much time we spend together and how "it's nice to see you young gals getting on" and winked. She actually winked at me. I asked her what she meant but she just laughed and said "you know what I mean". So now I'm looking back on things and wondering if she could like me too?

Here's some reasons why she might like me:

I went running along the same route at the same time for nearly 2 weeks before I happened to run into her a few days after I told her this?

I make her a coffee every afternoon (Elle is WFH) and take it over in her fave mug. She says I make good coffee but I'm pretty sure I saw a fancy coffee machine the first time I went round (it's not there now?).

Elle carried on running and walking with me even after Bea went home. I told her she was going back to mum's and she said well "I'll have to make another excuse to join you" and then we just carried on everyday.

She has tried really hard to bond with Bea. Bea is a very anxious dog and is scared of everyone except me and mum. Elle bought special treats to give her everyday and has been so amazing with her and never tried to force anything. When I asked her she said "it's important to me that she likes me and is comfortable". Bea actually fell asleep between us on the sofa yesterday and It just makes my heart skip a beat guys.

She invited me to the zoom quiz she does with her friends every fortnight or so and they were all like "oh so this is who we've heard so much about "

We realised we had become each other's support bubble. Elle asked if I was meeting anyone else and I said no, she said she was glad she had me all to herself (!!)

We gave each other quite personal xmas presents. Like, it actually made me tear up it meant so much to me. And she bought stuff for Bea!!

Reasons why she might not like me:

All the reasons above, but that she's just doing them because she's a fucking great person and we're friends?

It might sound dumb but idk I need your help guys. She is the just the most incredible person I have ever met and I really really like her but if she isn't gay or doesn't feel the same I don't want to lose her friendship as she has become such a huge part of my life. I genuinely have no experience with these kind of things as I went to quite a strict all girls school, so it's not as if there were any relationships around me as a teen and then I went to a very small uni (8 of us on my course). I guess another reason is that I've struggled with anxiety and depression for the past 10 years, as well as my weight and working on my self confidence, but I can say that right now I am the happiest and healthiest (both mentally and physically) I have ever been. I've only just really become comfortable with the fact that I'm gay and I have never really told anyone in real life, but I don't think people would be too surprised lol. I don't have any close friends as no one stuck around when I was really struggling with my MH a few years ago so I can't discuss this with anyone irl.

So I need your advice : how do I find out if she is gay? And no, I don't have the confidence to just ask!! What if she says no and I ruin everything? She has never mentioned anything about past relationships and I'm pretty tactless so not sure how I could naturally slip it into the convo. Like, "hey tell me have you ever had a girlfriend? Do you want one now?" Lol. And how can I make a move without really making a move so I don't ruin things??

tl;dr : Don't know whether my neighbour is gay and into me or is just really friendly. How can I make a move without ruining our friendship?

Edit: Ok guys, thank you so so much for all your support and encouragement. You've all given me a lot to think about. I think I'm going to casually slip some gay stuff into conversation and see how she reacts. Then bring up the neighbours comment like some of you suggested, seeing as tho the neighbour was heavily implying that we're gay. I'll do it tonight otherwise I'll talk myself out of it again. I will post an update to let you know what happens (eek). If you never hear from me again assume it went badly and I am consoling myself with cake and watching brokeback mountain in floods of tears.

Hi reddit, yes it's me the useless lesbian. First off I want to thank you all for your support, encouragement and advice - and the undeserved awards! I never expected this many of you to take the time to comment and that so many of you were rooting for us.

So I had the plan to drop these gay hints into convo like you guys suggested but honestly it all went out the window. Elle was kinda stressed friday after a shitty work zoom and just needed to vent so it wasnt the right time to start anything. Though I guess I must have been a bit off thanks to spending all day overthinking things on here, as Elle turned up Saturday morning rambling about stressing me out and apologised (!!) for ruining dinner. Obvs I said "what are you talking about you can talk to me about anything", and she said "anything?" and I said "anything" back. And guys the tension was unreal, staring at each other and hoping our lesbian mind reading powers would kick in.

Then there was some loud noise like a car backfiring or something and the moment went. So I went to make coffee and then Elle asked me why I was a bit quiet the night before and I said something about overthinking stuff and she said "what stuff" and idk you guys I wasnt prepared to be put on the spot my casual gay pop culture references were useless in this moment. My mind just went completely blank and I forgot every single thing you guys suggested and my heart was pounding and I just blurted out you know I like you, right?.

...And then she kissed me. Kissed me. We straight up just snogged in the kitchen and it was fucking great. So...you were right. You were all fucking right. She's gay, she likes me and has been trying to drop hints for nearly 5 months. sigh

We were both just too scared to make a move or ruin anything. Turns out she's been burned by straight girls in the past, so she's pretty wary and was hoping I'd straight up say I'm a lesbian so she'd know for sure - maybe the I'm a lesbian wall hanging would've been a good idea after all? Her friends have been helping her drop hints, she showed me the group chat and guys their suggestions ranged from flirting more to just turning up in a trenchcoat and nothing else lol. Also, the winking neighbour has been making comments to her as well, so shout out to her for trying to make this happen too.

So no cake and cry watching brokeback mountain, just 5 months of dating to catch up on. As for worrying about how our current schedule could be more date like during lockdown, you were right it's kinda irrelevant when you've essentially been dating the whole time. Though we never made it to our morning run yesterday, in fact we didn't leave the house at all, ha.

Thank you guys for giving me hope, even if all your suggestions completely disappeared in the moment. Maybe I'll show her the post later and ask if any of the suggestions would have worked.

tl;dr: she's gay, into me and I'm an idiot”

End image ID]

#this is for sure already on tumble #but it's so cute #I had to #mine #r/relationships #tw// ed #edit: I'll add a transcript in a minute just gotta figure out how to make it accessible

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pacifymebby · 2 years

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55 and 75 for the ask <33 (sorry if you’ve already answered any of these!)

Aw thank you for these lovely

55. Share a relationship story.

Uhhh so as we all know every relationship I've had that wasn't B has been a fucking shit show. So this is a pretty fun story haha

When i was in my second year of uni I had a bf who was pretty possessive and also just a raging narcisissit. For real he thought he was like some tortured genius like Pete docherty or something (I can't even begin to explain how funny that is to anyone who wasn't present in the UK in like 2006)

He was just never that nice to me in general but he especially was a dick about me eating, he used to make such a point of telling me over and over again how I reminded him of French models (sounds nice but it was like back handed) "kinda ugly but skinny enough to make up for it" "lives off coffee and cigarettes"

So we went to Paris together midway through the year and oh my god, there's nothing like the dirtiest city in the world to show you how much u hate someone.

Long story short we had an argument at a bar on our first night, I stormed away ended up going to a different bar, spoke not a word of French but sat in the corner with my book drinking myself silly. And I met a man who was like, a little bit older than me, looked like a man not like a student. And he spoke English and he roasted me for not speaking French but he also flirted with me and slagged off English men with me, and we shared cigs and kissed and I almost went back to his place, but I didn't because I knew that I'd be in so much trouble if I wasn't back at the hotel, so I let him walk me a block from my hotel, and that night I went back to my ex. Who was, his usual awful self. But the meeting with the man changed me somehow and i kinda realised I didn't deserve to be being treated the way j was, like I was ugly and worthless and that if I left I'd be alright.

It took me fucking months to break up with him and when I did there were physical threats to my life being chucked around like confetti, it was all a big mess but, I got out and it was all good and now I'm very happy.

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

Honestly like these will sound daft but probably reading that other story gives u a solid picture of the relationships I've had previously but like, the sweetest thing anyones ever done for me has been like, helped me in little ways that feel massive.

So I had to get a bus into the city on my own one day, I'd never been to the city on my own and B knows how anxious I get. I'd been crying the night before because I got my period and I was nervous and I was scared to go out alone.

So he wrote me really detailed instructions what bus to get, where to get food, where to wait for the bus home, the times they all run, the times the trains run. An alternate route for if the bus didn't come. And then wrote his number on the paper too telling me to call him if I needed him even though I have his number in my phone. He said he just knew I wouldn't phone him whilst he was working unless he told me to do it.

And also, he helps me with my school work, reads all my essays and helps me tidy them up. Hes like, the most supportive person in the world and he takes me so seriously and treats me like I'm on a level with him and I've never had that before? No ones ever genuinely believed in me to the extent they'd spend an evening reading and adding commas to my messy dog shite essays. But he does and it's so sweet. He's such an angel. <3

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nomintokki · 4 years

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Shouldn’t Be | Lee Jeno

PAIRINGS: Lee Jeno x Girlfriend!reader

GENRE: angst, just angst kslajsajdla

WORDCOUNT: 1.4k

Synopsis: You found out you were being played by your partner for a year and a half.

A/N: Inspired by the song Shouldn’t be by Luke Chiang. I wrote this 2am in the morning and I was craving some angst so pls bear with me.

It was late at night the moon was fully up, you just got back from your favorite cafe finishing your reviewers since finals were coming up. As soon as you arrived home you dropped your stuff and dove right into your bed letting the sheets swallow you up. As you rest you remembered you haven't seen or heard anything from your boyfriend, Lee Jeno. You and Jeno have been together for a half and a year by now although the past months were rough the two of you made sure to make up. However since finals were around the corner it was rare for both of you to see each other, even through texting and calls since both of you were too occupied by your own works. Thinking about him made you fish out your phone from your bag. You opened your phone having unread messages from Jeno and your best friend. You opened Jeno's message first "y/n sorry for replying late. I'm tired I’ll call you when finals are over. I miss you 💕" You miss him too you really do you just wish the finals will be over soon. You miss his scent, the scent of his minty cologne mixed with the citrusy scent of his shampoo, you miss his deep voice, and most of all you miss seeing his eye smile, his eyes that turn into two crescent moon shape whenever he smiles. You texted him back "I miss you too Jeno. Good luck with your finals! I love you!".

After clicking send you checked on your best friend's message "y/n I really don’t think Jeno and Cassie are just friends. I saw them again they were at Baskin look" *pic attached*. As you read your best friend's message your heart sank but once you opened the picture your heart even shattered. You have been suspecting that Jeno was cheating on you with Cassie, a random girl from your uni, however, you keep on denying at convincing yourself they were just friends. You turned your phone off, not having the energy to reply to your best friend, lying down on the bed you feel nothing, numb perhaps, a lot is going through your mind. You didn't want to confront Jeno yet, you don't want this to affect your performance in school most especially that finals are nearing. It hurts After staring at the ceiling long enough to gain back the energy to move, you stood up dragging your feet to the bathroom hoping a shower would help you clear your thoughts.

Sadly, the shower was of no help. While the water was rushing through you thoughts keep coming. You kept on asking yourself ‘where could have I gone wrong?’ ‘Am I not enough?’ ‘am I too toxic for him?’ ‘why does it have to come to the point wherein he would cheat’. Knowing the stubborn you, you kept rebutting the last question you keep on telling yourself that Jeno can’t do this, he wouldn’t cheat even though proof was already there. You stepped out of the shower got dressed to your PJs and dove back to your bed. You snuggled yourself in you didn’t realize tears were coming, soon enough you fell asleep tired from thinking and crying.

You woke up to your alarm, trying to open your tired and puffy eyes you turned off that annoying sound. You noticed that you have a notification from Jeno, just great what a nice thing to start your day with, you sarcastically thought. You clicked on the notification reading “Hi y/n today is your first and last finals for the sem! I hope you are well rested! Good luck” You wanted to convince yourself that what he said was genuine. Again you are too stubborn to see that he was lying, again you convinced yourself that they were just hanging out in that picture. But you were too tired to reply, You just threw your phone to your bag and started to get ready for the long day ahead.

Finally, all of your written finals are over, some of your finals were practical and physical and you have already submitted them also. While walking toward your locker with your best friend you finally see Jeno, he was leaning through the door frame of a random classroom. The whole week you haven’t seen him, his back was facing you and you were planning to surprise him, but it was you who was surprised. As of on cue Cassie walked out of the classroom Jeno as near she gave him a hug and Jeno offered to carry her bag. You froze at the scene you were witnessing your best friend also froze probably didn’t know how to handle the situation. While your feet were still stuck on the ground Jeno turned around and saw you. His eyes grew big and called your name softly. He tried to reach out for you but you were fast, you started running away from him.

After running far enough for your energy to drain you end up in the university’s parking lot. You dropped down to the ground and started crying harder. You couldn’t believe you witnessed your boyfriend for a year and half cheat on you. You weren’t surprised because you already knew that there is a possibility that he was cheating on you but the pain you were feeling was gnawing. It was really painful for you to think that he wasn’t honest when he was saying he misses you, he was playing with you, he hurt your pride. You realized that he told you words he didn’t mean.

Your best friend found you in the parking lot she comforted you by patting your back. She waited for you to calm down and offered to bring you home. As soon as you got home, you let yourself be drowned by your sofa. You didn’t have the energy to go to your room and fix yourself anymore. Your best friend got a blanket from your room and put it on top of you. She fixed and placed some tissue, water, and anything you might need before she left. A few minutes after she left you fell to sleep while crying.

Knocks from your door woke you up, too tired and drained you didn’t bother answering it. But then you heard his voice call out for your name. Tears started to form from your eyes again, you were already tired from crying but as if your tear ducts were broken and can’t stop from producing tears. “y/n please open the door let me talk to you” you heard him call for your name again. After a few more knocks you heard a heavy sigh from the other side of the door. ‘I don’t know if your in here or not if your listening or not. It’s okay if you don’t open the door I don’t really deserve it. Im such an asshole for doing this to you.’ you wanted to open the door for him but you were too hurt to do so, you decided to just listen instead. ‘‘There are no acceptable excuses as to why I cheated on you. I don’t know what gotten into me and how I did that. I won’t try to defend myself and throw excuses anymore cuz the fact is that I still cheated on you. Even though me and Cassie were not a thing I still cheated on you I admit that I’m sorry. If you won’t accept my apology I respect and understand that. But I’m really sorry. You alone is enough I swear its just that... I couldn’t resist the temptations around me and I am really sorry It is totally my fault. I guess this will be the end for us huh?’’ he chuckles but you heard his voice crack and this made you cry harder. “ I want to say I’m really thankful for you y/n. With you, I was able to experience different things and feel the happiness I have never felt before I met you. Having you beside me was probably the highlight of my life. I swear I would regret doing this to you. I probably can’t even forgive myself for doing this to you. I was too dumb to ruin what we have. I am sorry y/n I really am.”

Hearing him makes you want to open the door and forgive him already, you miss him so much you wanted to smell his scent again. But you just can’t. everything is just too painful for you to brush off. You want to keep him so bad, keeping him close to you shouldn’t be this hard. But you can’t it made you feel the lowest and you don’t think you can stand up yet and keep him near you again.

#lee jeno #NCT-WRITERS #dreamwritersnet #nct dream #jeno nct #jeno fanfic #angst #university au #cheating #nct fanfic #nct imagines #break up #jeno au #lee jeno fanfic #nct dream fanfic #nct angst #tine thingz #hays jeno #shouldn't be

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literaphobe · 4 years

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Im so sorry...is your sister a minor

yeah she’s 17. i really don’t blame her it just sucks. anyway i think i needed to work through this but its also way too long so

lol like that was supposed to be my birthday gift but it has now become a romantic getaway for a man and his gf (who is 18 years younger than him) and my sister and one of her friends. at like. one of the most expensive hotels in the country. the same man who guilted me into giving private tutoring to 8 students at a time while i was a student because he apparently is super poor and has no money and no job. (i started tutoring for extra money and to just. have a job. because he has also given me shit about that before too. if i don’t have a job i’m like a useless baby child who he can never trust to be responsible for her own life. turns out that was just a load of bullshit to trap me. and yeah i was teaching 8-9 students at some point and i think i was like telling him hey i don’t know if this is a good idea. its a little crazy. and he was like no u should keep doing it. its money u should just earn it. we aren’t doing great financially and at some point we might need ur help paying for ur sister’s tutoring classes. and so i did and it hurt me SO much last semester. + covid but also. it was tutoring mostly lmao)

anyway i just. the thought of everything made me cry a lot in the shower lol. like that. quiet cry where u are sobbing uncontrollably but u have to mute it as much as possible so that ur mother who’s washing dishes in the kitchen doesn’t hear it

today we had some ikea furniture delivered. and i was assembling it. and my mom told me “when we were married i was always the one putting together the IKEA furniture. ur dad would always get frustrated and give up” and then in the shower i realized that’s exactly how my dad treats me lmao. i am.... his ikea furniture

so like. i can actually trace the most recent incident of abuse i faced from him back to when. i allowed him to “help” me with my university degree transfer issues. u know. because i couldn’t do the coding degree he pressured me into doing. and wanted to do something else (i could’ve gone to my uni open house w my friends. who ended up entering the arts faculty. and i WANTED to do psychology in the arts faculty too. but my dad and his gf were there. and they just. told me if i did that i would have no future and no job prospects when i graduated. which is SO fucking funny because both of them individually. their grades were super fucking shit and they were never good enough to get into the school that i did. so they had no fucking business telling me what i should or shouldn’t do. but i didn’t know that because they lied to me. my dad lied to me about so many things to scare me into thinking i couldn’t do anything. and at this point in my life. they were still monitoring my internet usage. and there were restrictions set on my phone. mere. months. before i was meant to be a university student. even getting restrictions off my phone was a big fight i had to have. i bought my own laptop with money i made from this f&b job because i knew if i waited for them to get one for me i would be waiting forever. and i was just so fucking scared of them so i got a. ‘practical’ degree. and then slid off my adhd meds because even that felt like part of the trap they kept me in for years)

i decided i wanted to do linguistics and become a linguistics major but my school wasn’t letting me. and it had been a year. so i let him and my mom get involved. which i had SUCH a bad feeling about. an awful awful bad feeling. i was right lmao. i should’ve known his involvement wouldn’t have done shit and would also. set me up for yet another Major Traumatic Incident. which i have spent the entirety of 2020 trying to avoid. do you know how stressful and tiring it feels to just like. every moment around ur own father is u just trying to walk on eggshells praying and hoping that nothing bad will happen. i tried so hard and it fell apart in the end anyway. he couldn’t fix this problem so he took it out on me

my school essentially texted us back saying “we get a shit load of transfer requests every year, even from students from other schools. ur grades from the classes u took aren’t good enough to justify a transfer” and like they were right. i had been off my meds. various things in life had happened. my commute situation wasn’t helping matters either (to and from was 2 hours each) and it has just. not been great. grandad passed away like 2 weeks ago or something at that point. which. may have been an underlying cause for the situation. or maybe he was always going to blow up at me and get violent and crazy. idk

anyway. i guess u could say it is ‘my fault’ for cutting off contact w my father n not speaking to him. but also. he threatened to throw me into a mental institute. and also. violently refused to let me leave the house so he could keep yelling at me. he physically would not let me. i yelled at him to just let me go but he implied that he would actually hurt me if i tried to get past him again. and he said all sorts of shit like he can be crazy too and he can be crazier than me which is something he’s said before. what triggered me to leave was. ok so in the beginning he was giving me the same thing he has yelled at me about over the years. i am super super fucking smart but i waste it all away on purpose and refuse to get my shit together and that’s somehow a personal attack on him. i can’t remember most of it by now. but anyway. i was tearing up and keeping absolutely quiet just waiting for it to be over so i could leave and go to another room. but then he started to. yell at me for crying. its so fucking ironic and weird because in a separate previous incident i was complaining about my school and how much it all was. and i was barely raising my voice but he was like woah woah stop being so emotional!!! as if he doesn’t regularly scream and shout and punch walls or whatever the fuck over the SMALLEST bullshit. anyway. he started to scold me for crying. and then he said ‘if you go out in the future and get a job are you going to cry like this too when ur boss scolds you? or are you acting like this because i’m family and you think its okay?’ as if. i have never had a job. as if i have never had to deal with a boss. bro i swear to fucking god. i am dead to most things now because of him. he can’t do shit. but. in the moment i found this so ridiculous and just SO fucking stupid that i left. i had had enough. i started laughing and i walked out and went to grab my bag so i could go. i didn’t. get very far obviously. and when my dad started threatening me i genuinely thought i was going to die. he was so angry and deranged that i thought he was going to murder me. my heart was going just. so so so fast. even tho i was just standing there. and i told him he was terrifying me (to which he said “GOOD”) and i just NEEDED to get out of this situation and get some space (to which he said “NO” repeatedly). he refused to admit that he would use actual violence to prevent me from leaving the house. he told me he would NEVER let me leave. which was fucking ridiculous. i stay at his house. 2 days out of the fucking week. he literally shoved me backwards so hard when i was trying to leave and he wanted to stop me. he also refused to admit that he used violence or was planning to use violence. i tried to point out this flaw in his logic to him. i said ur going to hurt me. he said no. i said ok then if ur not going to hurt me then let me walk past you and leave the house. he also said no again. and then our cousins rang the door at some point. so then he started to come to his senses. he was like. ‘the reason i don’t want to let you leave is because i’m afraid you’ll hurt yourself.’ which was so fucking stupid. i have NEVER threatened to hurt myself in front of him. i have never shared ANY thoughts of self harm in front of him. he’s the one who would get into massive fights w his dad and threaten to jump out of the window in anger (and i don’t even mean when he was younger. he would fight with his 93 year old dad. fucking stupid bitch). i made this clear to him that i was never ever planning on hurting myself. and then he said fine and let me leave. meaning i had to answer the door to my cousins in tears while he got to walk back to his room and lock himself in

he also. at some point during this argument, told me there would be consequences to me leaving. i guess i know those consequences now lmao. and like. i went home to my moms house. my cousins walked me there. i still haven’t told them. idk if my dad told them. my dad texted me to gaslight me. said that when he said he was going to put me in a mental hospital he meant it as a friendly suggestion because of ‘the state i was in’. and that it ‘wasn’t meant as a threat’ and like. oof. healthy suggestions aren’t meant to be yelled. anyway. i might be texting him. just to inform him about developments and to like. i guess set boundaries maybe. idk. i can’t carry on like this. i hate him and am terrified of him but. cutting him out of my life is basically inviting ostracism from his side of the family. and it’s putting so much stress on me. so. lol

#ask

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pluviophile-bookworm · 3 years

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I feel like I need to talk about this...

I’m very open about being aroace. At least here on Tumblr I am. (Outside of Tumblr, I am technically out, but some issues with my mother and grandmother have forced me back into the closet. I felt miserable about that initially, but I’m learning to be fine with it.) But it wasn’t always this way. In fact, I didn’t even know what aroace meant until I was 18. So how was I supposed to know when I got my first ‘celebrity crush’ that those last words do not, in fact, describe very accurately what I was experiencing? I didn’t know I had ADHD, either. I feel like that might have helped me realise some things about my experience. But let me go back a bit and actually tell you what happened and how it happened. [side note: I’ll be starting from a bit earlier than the ‘crush’ thing happened because I feel like it’s important for whoever reads this to understand how my circumstances shaped the experience I had]

Backstory:

I had always been different from my peers, so it was not surprising to anyone that I was bullied in middle school. [side note: Judging from my and my little brother’s combined experience, I feel like bullying is, quite unfortunately, something of a universal experience in middle school - in my day, I was on the receiving end. This last school year, my brother was the bully. Gosh, I wish I could tell my story without many deviations and without crying as I type, but I’ve already thrown both of those intentions out the window.]

So anyway, things got so bad that I was driven to suicidal thoughts. One night I was just lying in bed, thinking about going through with it, but I was like, well, I’ve got a test in the morning. Maybe after that. 13-year-old me had very weird priorities. I kind of still value my work over my mental health, but I’m working on it. So that night, I didn’t do anything. The next day, right before school, I was on the internet and I found out a new show had premiered. And then, as I was watching the pilot episode, that was when it happened. I saw this boy, whom I will not be naming, and I listened to him sing. I felt nothing much at the moment, but I couldn’t get the song out of my mind all day. Up until that moment, I had had a weird attitude towards music where I’d only listen to female singers. My ‘boys have cooties’ phase, I guess you could say. But this one, he was the first one I didn’t mind at all. In fact, I felt like I could listen to his voice 24/7. I’ve had that feeling hundreds of times by now, but I hadn’t before then. So I figured, this must be what a crush means, right? This must be what all my peers are talking about. The next day, I confided in a girl from my class with whom I was kind of friendly (though not actual friends, I’d say). I asked her if she’d seen the show, if she knew this person. She said yes and we kind of gushed about the song together, and I felt normal for a couple of minutes. I never knew the difference between my experience and what is considered ‘normal’ until years later.

For the time being, the thought of this special person was what was keeping me alive. I started having visions of him walking with me through the school hallways or sitting next to me on the bus home from school. I knew perfectly well those visions weren’t real, but they made me feel better. Happy. Safe. Seen. Full disclosure: I still have such visions, I’ve had them with different people through the years as my hyperfixations change. My latest one is what has enabled me to deal with some of my worst phobias (and I have a long list of them). I’ve never told anybody what it is, and I won’t be telling because I feel like if I do tell, the vision will not be strong enough to work against my fears. But I’m getting sidetracked again. Sorry for that.

So, I was pretty much obsessed with this guy. He was all I could think about, he was keeping me alive through what was possibly the toughest time in my life to date. So naturally, thanks to my heteronormative, amatonormative surroundings, I was convinced I had a crush on him. In fact, after this experience had lasted about a year, I was sure I was in love.

Then things changed. I started high school. I found a couple of friends, and the people in my class in general made me feel like I could finally be myself. Be open about what I thought and how I felt. So by the end of the first semester, all 27 people in my class knew about my feelings for this guy. What I didn’t know was that they didn’t know that it wasn’t exactly like I was describing it. Because I wasn’t aware that a straight/ allo person’s idea of being ‘in love’ was different from mine. I was just putting things in words I thought I understood.

So it came as a total surprise when some people from my class started teasing me about it. It wasn’t malicious teasing, that much I could tell. I had been bullied mercilessly before. What my new classmates were doing was asking genuine questions in a slightly teasing manner. For example, it would be known that my special person had a girlfriend, and so they’d ask me ‘aren’t you jealous’ or ‘do you wish you were that’, or stuff like that. And those questions felt so weird. So stupid. I thought, wait, why would I be jealous? Why would I feel bad about this person who has made me so happy, being happy himself? Why would I want to date him? That had nothing to do with how I felt. I told my classmates so. They gave me weird looks in response. So I started feeling like there was something wrong with me. Like I wasn’t doing that ‘in love’ thing right. Suddenly, I felt like my feelings were being intruded upon. Tarnished, somehow. I had always been aware that my visions were anything but real. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. And all of a sudden, somebody was suggesting that I should want to date this person. Why would I want to date anyone, I thought? Even if it was him. Dating people was awkward. Making physical contact with anyone outside my immediate family made me shudder. It still does, though I can hug some of my closest friends without any negative feelings. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Back to my first time I questioned my experience. I was about 14 at the time (in Bulgaria, high school starts from grade 8, ages 13-14 or 14-15), and, well, I didn’t do much questioning at the time. I just told myself that they didn’t understand my feelings, and I stopped being so open about the topic.

My hyperfixation on this person lasted long. Longer than any other I’ve ever had to date. Maybe it was because I clung to it like it was what tethered me to my mortal life. But by my final year of high school, I could feel it fading away. I was forcing myself to think about this person, to conjure up the old visions; the song that had started it all was drained of all meaning that it had held for me. I was moving on to other hyperfixations. I felt like I was betraying myself, like I was breaking some sort of unbreakable vow. It was time to face the music. So I let go. I allowed myself to move on. It was kind of made easier by the fact that my special person had changed, too, and had moved on to projects that I could not enjoy due to some triggering content. And I moved on.

Then I joined Tumblr. I discovered some things. Among them was Hellenic polytheism. It had been a while since I’d found my faith in the Hellenic pantheon, but Tumblr was where I found out I was not alone, that there was an existent religion. And step by step, I realised that... I had been projecting Apollo’s presence onto my special person. And my old connection to that person had started fading away when I had realised I believed in the gods.

This explained a lot of things. But there was still the fact that I had never been able to look at another person the way my peers were looking at each other. I had been asked out two or three times during high school. I had rejected those people without even thinking about it. My best friend at the time was a boy and most teachers seemed to ship us together because, well, let’s be real - we were constantly fighting like an old married couple. It took him getting a girlfriend and seeing how happy I was for the two of them for everyone to realise that things between us were, and had always been, purely platonic. And now I was going to uni and I had never had feelings I was apparently supposed to have.

It was also thanks to Tumblr that I discovered the extent of the LGBTQ+ community. I considered myself an ally at first, and I was a passionate ally, too. I still am nothing but supportive to my fellow LGBTQ+ people of all identities, but it was not until I was 18 going on 19 that I discovered the term ‘asexual’. I knew quite suddenly that this was the term for me. I knew what I was and how I felt. I felt mature enough to know the difference between ‘I’m not experienced enough to know for sure’ and ‘I’ve just never had those feelings, I don’t even know what they’re supposed to be like’. It took a bit longer to find out there was a difference between sexual and romantic attraction, but by the time I was 19, I had proudly labelled myself ‘aroace’. I still feel at home with this label. I am completely open to the possibility that it might change with time, but this is what feels right at this time.

Fast-forward another couple of years to about 8 months ago. I had always known that I got really invested into stuff - shows, books, hobbies, people - only for that investment to wear off after a time. The timespans varied, but I realised I had experienced this ever since I was in pre-school at least. I didn’t have a term for it, though. And then, all of a sudden, Tumblr started offering me posts tagged ADHD. I could relate to maybe 95% of them. At one point, it felt like whatever algorithm this hellsite operates on was shoving the ADHD posts in my face, as if screaming ‘DOES THIS REMIND YOU OF, WELL, YOU?!!!’ in my ears. So I did some tests. I did a lot of self-reflection. I went to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed in March. I started educating myself on the terminology and found out that what I was experiencing is called hyperfixating. So here I am now.

Here I am now, reflecting back on my experience from 8 years ago, connecting the dots. Realising what it was that I went through, allowing myself to go through it again, with different things and people. I don’t feel the need to cling to hyperfixations anymore because I know that is what they are and I know I can’t keep them forever. Of course, I do feel bad about stopping caring about something that used to be my light and life for a time. I dread the time I’ll get over my current hyperfixation, but I also know it’s inevitable. My ADHD brain needs the change and it happens naturally. And somehow I’m ok with that.

Well, this is it. This is the story of how Tumblr prompted me to discover aspects of myself that have been there for as long as I can remember. What better place to talk about it than Tumblr itself? What better group of people to understand and accept me than my lovely mutuals and followers? If you’re reading this, thank you. For being here, for listening to me, for allowing me to be who I am. You’ve got no idea how happy this makes me, even though I can barely see what I’m typing through the tears. Thank you.

#personal #jnk #asexual #aromantic #aro #ace #aroace #adhd #hellenic polytheism #tw: suicide #tw: bullying

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sheismyteacher · 4 years

Text

hi loves,

im pretty sure ive alr done all old monthly challenges that used to be on here in 2017/2018 including my own lol but @baeby-tc made a new one and its once again 2am and im missing her so heres summ facts u might not know yet!!!

1. describe your tc’s physical appearance.

shes about my height so 5'7, she has a blonde pixie cut and bright blue eyes, n freckles!! and shes super skinny

2. what was the first thing you’ve ever said to your tc?

probably hi?? i honestly dont remember much from our first class

3. is your tc single or taken? or are you unsure? and are you single or taken?

single!! and im taken lol ive been dating my gf for a year n 11 months

4. is your tc more of the athletic type, the nerdy type or the artsy type?

nerdy looool

5. if you and your tc were in high school together, do you think you’d be friends?

honestly idk? we very well could have been because we were both kinda alt (me leaning towards goth, her leaning towards punk) but also both insanely private introverts lmfsjshhd so we might not even have approached each other

6. name one song that reminds you of your tc and explain why that song reminds you of them.

savannah by lp hehee we're both lp stans but she got me into her music and the first song we talked abt was savannah

7. is your tc fashionable or are they more of the simple type? what is one outfit you’d love to see them wear?

oh girl... 💀💀 i love her w my whole heart but if i see one more silver glimmery cardigan i might lose my mind. id love to see her in jeans and a crop top but shed Never so honestly i'll take anything that's not... horrible

8. would you be willing to become a teacher and teach your tc’s subject if it meant you two could be together?

haha funny cause... that's literally what im doing... going into my second year of uni... going to do my internship with her this year... ummmmmm.....

9. does your tc drink or smoke?

no!!!

10. name one item that is always on your tc’s desk.

her planner loool shes super organized

11. has your tc ever done anything that has either thrown you off, annoyed you, angered you or bothered you in any way? if so, what did they do?

yea i think I've only been pissed at her once?? i was really struggling with a situation and usually when i rant to her she fucks around and makes jokes n all and im fine with it i dont take myself that seriously but this time i was genuinely rly upset and she didnt rly notice i guess although i alr lowkey told her to stop n she kept making dumbass jokes so i was like "this is genuinely not funny like im being serious for once" and she did apologize which i appreciate but i genuinely think that's the only time ive been upset with her! and shes said things before that other people would see as shocking but has always apologised even when not necessary shes super respectful

12. does your tc have any past jobs that you know of, before becoming a teacher?

no actually!! she probably had a job in hs/uni??? but weve never talked abt that wow mayb i should ask her sometime

13. does your tc have kids or siblings? if so, how many?

both! she has one younger sister and two sons!

14. are you taking your tc’s class next year?

as i said ive graduated but im acc gonna b an english teacher as well now and imma do my 2nd yr internship w her!!!

15. has your tc ever met your parents? if you were there, what was the meeting like?

yes PLSJSJDJDJD at my school musical... and it was lowkey awkward cause i told her all abt how my father is lowkey terrifying so she was cautious as hell 😭😭

16. has your tc ever given you detention? if so, what was it like?

naw i never have her a reason to

17. has your tc ever failed you? if so, how did you react? if not, how would you react?

noo english has always been my best subject so she never had to.. but if she did i probably messed it up!! shes fair

18. what are your tc’s hobbies/interests? are they similar to yours?

help shes a dancer and i hate dancing w my entire heart so umm.. no

19. have you ever spoken on the phone with your tc? what did you talk about?

never actually!! we've texted so often but never called?? except if u count the time she (or her son?) called me on accident for about 6 seconds jdjdhd ion think she even knows that happened, i hung up and forgot to mention it again)

20. if you had your tc’s class during quarantine, what were your zoom calls like? if not, have you spoken to your tc since quarantine?

we've texted, but not as much as we used to and it's making me SAD but i feel like we just dont have a lot to say to each other

21. if you had the chance to go anywhere in the world with your tc, where would you go? what would you do?

she loves switzerland so let's go

22. does your tc have any nicknames for you?

she shortens my name sometimes heheh i loooove when people do that

23. have you ever cried in front of your tc? why? how did they react?

no, i don't cry that often, and ESPECIALLY not in public

24. have you ever walked/drove to/from school with your tc?

yeah we cycled together a few times! but usually were off on different times

25. do you know which teachers your tc is friends with at school? if so, do you like those teachers?

yea theres a couple she likes but shes not rlly *friends* with anyone, but we have the same opinions on most teachers

26. what does your tc’s voice sound like?

it's very soft, and not in volume but in vibes? and she has pretty sharp t's and her r's roll a little hehe

27. do you like your tc as a teacher? are they a good teacher?

oh yes 100%

28. does your tc prefer books, shows or movies?

im gonna go ahead and assume books, but she does have netflix as well

29. is your tc stern or easy going, in class?

pretty stern? i know a couple of people are lowkey scared of her but like shes not awful she just makes sure the class gets shit done

30. how would you describe you and your tc’s relationship?

like a friendship! i asked her abt it once (ages ago) and she said that she was tryna figure out how she felt abt me when it came to labels like 'friend' cause im also her ex student etc so she didn't rly wanna call me that yet?? but i think if we keep talking we'll get there. we trust each other immensely

31. do you address your tc by their first or last name?

firsttt since march 27th 2017 😌

#mine #tc #tcc #teacher crush #female tc #female teacher crush #teacher crush community #question tc #question tag #tc challenge #july challenge #facts #????

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blueboxesandtrafficcones · 5 years

Text

Second Chance at Forever - Chapter 8

Chapter 8 of this year’s entry for the @dwsecretsanta, my present to @wordsintimeandspace! Beta’d by the always-kind @stupidsatsuma

@doctorroseprompts and @timepetalscollective as an AU fic

General warnings for: alcohol use, cursing, discussions of sexual activities

Masterlist

AO3

Summary

Once upon a time, a boy and girl met at a bar and fell in love - until he ghosted her.

Five years later Rose Tyler’s best friend Mickey is getting married, and arranges a dinner for her to meet the groomsman she’ll be walking with - unaware that the two already know each other.

John Noble’s not sure how his friend and mentee managed to connive with the Universe to bring the One Who Got Away back into his life; all he knows it carefully built and maintained walls are crashing to the ground with no warning.

Feeling terrible, John picked at the chips. “I have no idea why my card was declined, I’m so sorry.”

“It was my turn anyway.” Seemingly nonplussed, Rose was chowing down on her own order, and he realized she must have skipped lunch. Too busy crying over you. Again. Jackass.

“You’re too forgiving.”

Rose’s fork paused halfway to her mouth, before slowly lowering. “Clearly, we have communication issues,” she started, staring down at her chips. “And trust issues. And you-thinking-too-hard is a problem. But… I still think it’s worth pursuing. I still want to find out what we’re capable of. Do you?”

“Yes,” he said firmly, leaning forward and reaching for her hand, which she gave willingly. “I meant it, when I said it was you. And there hasn’t been anyone else since we first met, by the way.”

Her eyes widened, grip tightening on his hand. “Not for me, either,” Rose breathed. “I… really liked you, John.”

“What about now?”

She was silent for long moments, making his heart race with worry. “I’m falling,” she finally spoke. “Hard, and fast. And that terrifies me, because the last time you just up and disappeared on me. I can’t… I can’t give myself to you if I still think there’s a chance you’ll vanish again.”

“I won’t,” he promised softly, thumb rubbing over the back of her hand. “I swear to you. How can I make you believe me?”

“Time. That’s why I want to wait until after the wedding. That’s what I need.” She met his eye then, a steely glint there, and he knew he couldn’t change her mind even if he wanted to.

“Then that’s what you’ll get. Can I make a revision to our original agreement, however?”

Rose’s eyes narrowed, but she nodded. “Depends – what is it?”

“You said ‘friends’,” he started slowly. “I want to say dating. Exclusively. And nothing physical, that’s fine, I’m not trying to talk you out of it – but it might help you to know that as far as I’m concerned, we’re together. If that’s what you want. So if people ask, you can say you have a boyfriend – they don’t need to know what is or isn’t happening in the bedroom.”

“You want to be my boyfriend?” Rose laughed, throwing her head back, and he was momentarily stunned by her beauty.

“Are you sure you want me?” he countered. “I’m twenty years older than you, Rose. Is that really what you want for your future? I must be about your parents’ age.”

“You are,” she shrugged. “But I don’t care. Really, I don’t. Because I see you, John. I see the man you are. That’s what I want. I just… I knew. I knew.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

Rose shook her head, biting her lip. “It’s not about deserve.”

“If you say so.” He picked up another chip, gesturing for her to continue eating. “What will your parents say, though? I actually don’t know much about them, you’ve never said.”

She barked out a laugh, glancing around carefully at the other patrons. Other than them, only two or three others were scattered at the tables, none paying them a lick of attention and seemingly too far away to hear their conversation. “Erm, they’re your age actually – they had me at twenty. Um, they’ve been married since. Mum used to do hairdressing and stuff, was pretty good at it – now she’s a homemaker, I guess. We lived on an Estate until I was… about four.”

Rose licked her lips, looking nervous, and he squeezed her hand. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

“My dad’s always been sort of an inventor, having these mad ideas. None of them went anywhere for the longest time, until… he created this brand of health drinks.”

“It did well then?”

She snorted, rolling her eyes. “Ever heard of Vitex?”

John’s eyes went wide, staring at her in disbelief. “You’re kidding.”

“Nope.”

“You’re Pete Tyler’s daughter?”

“Yep. And thank you, for not calling me ‘the Vitex heiress’. I hate that.”

He shook his head, trying to process this revelation. Of course he’d heard of Vitex, everyone had. It was the best-selling health drink, and his unofficial experiments and testing of the beverages showed that while the benefits were modest, it certainly wasn’t a scam as the company’s opponents liked to claim. Its business practices were also respectable, heavily supporting various charities and reinvesting in the community. There were mumblings about Pete Tyler eventually running for a seat in the House of Commons, and maybe even being Prime Minister someday.

“I had no idea.”

“Thanks,” she grinned wryly. “I may’ve grown up with money most of my life, but it was just… there. My parents still brought me up as though it could disappear any second; I certainly wasn’t raised in the lap of luxury. I went to a good school, but I still had crappy summer jobs and had to earn spending money. My brother, on the other hand…”

“Do you live at home?” John asked, curious. “At least, that was the impression I got the first time round.”

“I did then,” Rose confirmed, “but after I graduated uni I moved out. They bought me a nice flat as a graduation gift, but I’ve been living on my salary since.”

His brow furrowed, filtering that in with what he’d already known. “I thought you were already working when we met.”

“Yeah, but it was summer,” she explained. “Internship.”

“Oh.”

“Does it bother you?”

“What?”

“My age.” Rose crossed her arms, leaning forward on the table as she steadily met his gaze. “You keep thinking it’s an issue for me… is it really a problem for you?”

John exhaled. “I’m forty-six, Rose. I’m a year older than your father. What’s he going to think?”

“So that’s a yes then,” she deduced, and he couldn’t quite bring himself to deny it. “Okay.”

“I’m falling too, Rose,” he murmured, closing his eyes. “Desperately. You’re not the only one afraid the other’s going to find something better.”

“So where do we go from here?” Rose looked tired, toying with her fork and stabbing chips without lifting them to her mouth. “What next?”

“We keep dating?” John rubbed his hands over his face, trying to think. “And we just… talk, I suppose. It’s like you said – it just needs time. Then we reevaluate after the wedding.”

“All right.”

Rose still looked sad, and hurt, and his heart ached. “Hey.” He extended his hands across the table, palms up, and after a long look she settled her own on top. “There’s no one else’s hand I’d rather hold.”

She attempted a grin, and though it was still sad, it was genuine, and he smiled back.

“Okay.”

When Rose walked into the office the next morning, Donna was already seated at her desk and on the phone, arguing with a vendor.

She waved, and Rose nodded in return, wincing as Donna’s voice raised. She was an excellent assistant, hard-working and organized, exactly what Rose’s occasionally-scatterbrained personality needed to keep her on track. But she was scary, and Rose was always thankful when Donna’s yelling wasn’t directed at her.

Twenty minutes later, once Rose had grabbed a cuppa and started going through her emails, Donna rapped on the half-opened door.

“Come in.”

“So…” her assistant prompted, settling on one of Rose’s guest chairs. “What happened after you left yesterday? No dirty details, I don’t need that much information about my big brother, but otherwise, tell me everything.”

“Uh…” Rose shuffled a few papers, coughing awkwardly. “Were you able to-”

“The Emerson meeting is fully scheduled, I sent the Robertson’s documents to the printers, and arranged all three potential-client meetings for next week. Work is fine. Talk personal,” Donna ordered. “The curiosity is killing me. The idea of you and John is at the same time mind-boggling and perfectly obvious. I can’t believe I didn’t think of setting you up first.”

“What do you know?” Rose asked, biting her lip.

“‘Know’ might be a bit strong, but I have a few facts that I suspect are all relevant. One – Five years ago I stand John up for drinks, and the next afternoon he calls and thanks me. That’s beyond strange. Two – for the following week every time I talked to him, he sounded like he was on Cloud Nine – which is impressive, considering he can be the grumpiest bastard I’ve ever met. Three – he shows up on my doorstep at one in the morning blitzed, moaning and grumbling on about some girl’s heart I somehow broke. Four – he hasn’t had a relationship since. Five – in the last three weeks, he has reverted to cavity-causing-sweet happy John. Six – he spent all of lunch yesterday telling me about all the places he’s been lately, which is surprising for a bloke who basically leaves his flat to go to work.”

“Wow,” Rose blinked at the veritable waterfall of information. “I… don’t even know where to start with that.”

“The beginning’s usually a good place,” Donna drawled.

“The beginning,” she repeated, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms over her stomach. “Okay. Um, we met five years ago at a club, on a night when you cancelled on him at the last moment. We were together for almost two weeks when he stood me up and completely ghosted me. A month ago we met again at a dinner for our mutual friends, Martha… something, Jones I think, and Mickey Smith. We’re supposed to walk together in the wedding.”

Donna’s face dropped. “Wait, what? He ghosted you?”

“Yep.”

“That idiot!” she burst out, to Rose’s surprise. “I’ve seen you two together for about thirty seconds, but I know you, and I know him, and you must be the best fucking thing to ever happen to him. And he just- moron.”

“Thank you?” Rose was touched by her vote of confidence. “D’you really think so?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I?”

“The age difference?”

“So what? Who cares?” Rose’s eyebrow shot up, and she nodded. “Of course he does. Cause he’s an idiot. Does it bother you?”

“No. But he… seems to think I’ll want to trade him in for a younger model somewhere along the way.”

“Will you?”

Slowly, Rose shook her head. “No. I… well…”

Comprehension sparked in Donna’s eyes, and she nodded wisely. “I see. But as smart as he is- and he is, certified genius, him- he’s a right bloody idiot. And a prat.”

“Thanks.” The women shared a smile.

“What if…” Rose started, biting her lip in worry. She considered Donna to be a friend, if only casually, but now she was John’s sister. Would she keep Rose’s confidence?

“Donna your assistant’s perfectly capable of keeping secrets from Donna his sister,” Donna said, seemingly reading her mind. “And I’m actually the perfect person to talk to, considering I know him. Then so long as I can bully him into telling me things, then maybe I can keep you two goobers from another miscommunication.”

“What if he wants someone older?” she blurted. “Someone his own age.”

Donna’s eyebrow shot up, and she gave her an incredulous look. “Know a lot of blokes who’d trade younger women for older ones, do you? In my experience, it’s usually the other way around.”

She shrugged, slumping. “John’s not like that. At least, I don’t think so. He says he wants me, but… he said that the first time. How do I know he’s not going to get scared again?”

“I can’t promise that,” Donna said quietly. “But I can say this- he really likes you, Rose. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be this torn up about it all.”

Rose nodded, blinking her eyes to chase away tears. “Thanks.”

“What’re you going to do?”

“Keep seeing each other. After Martha and Mickey’s wedding at the end of the year we’re going to reevaluate.”

Donna merely smiled, looking down at her notebook and shuffling a few papers. “One last thing before we focus on work…”

“Shoot.”

“We should go shopping together somewhere along the line so I can make sure John picks out a nice ring for you.”

#bbatcfic #doctorroseprompts #timepetalscollective #ficandchips #dwsecretsanta #doctor who #Human!NinexRose #human!nine #rose tyler #au #second chance at forever #oohlala

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quillsand · 5 years

Note

WHAT ABOUT /YOUR/ TOP 7 MOMENTS OF 2018

these are in 0 order (ok that’s a lie i tried for chronological order but u kno)

immediately after midnight on january 1st when we were at that little allotment party thing and we were setting off fireworks with all your friends and we were all hugging even though i knew like 4 people not including you and my awful attempts at german whilst drunk and that pasta we made earlier which suddenly became the tastiest thing ever after like 5 shots of vodka and how we could just about see switzerland from across the river and i just remember really loving life in that moment and i think about it a lot

at my birthday with all my friends and we played cards against humanity and took pictures on my disposable camera and ordered too much pizza (and i was too drunk when ordering and forgot the postcode so one of my friends did it instead) and everyone was together and happy and it was real good

oooooh !! on the last day of school when we all wore our old uniforms and said goodbye to school and went into town i remember the walk over there being like my favourite thing bc we were all singing and it was v sunny and i was filming everything and later we went to a friends house and had a good time partying and playing drunk mario kart (this was also the day i tripped in a field and screwed up my ankle possibly forever but who cares!!!) everyone was so happy and we were all together and i loved it

the whole 9 days i spent with my pals on holiday but actually if i had to pinpoint a single moment of that adventure it would be how none of us got any sleep before getting up at 2am to drive to stansted airport blasting pop party 3 down deserted country roads and getting food from mcdonalds at 4 am and waiting in the airport to take a plane to budapest because it was scary and exciting and the biggest adventure i’d ever been on and i remember being so happy to be doing it with the people i was with !!! and later on that day being in our hostel room and looking out of the window to the city and being amazed that i got to be here with my friends who i love !!!!!!

honestly my first day in manchester when i decided to walk into the city centre on my own immediately after moving in but severely underestimated the walk (which is weird bc i do it like twice a week now and it’s nothing) and i was walking past the uni building and listening to kings and queens by paloma faith and it hit me how i did it i made it and now i get to experience this new part of life which is amazing and terrifying all at once

there was this one point very early on in the semester where i think we were just coming back from our second lecture ever and this was the couple of weeks before the weather turned cold and the sun was shining and it was warm and we were all happy and me and the people i was tentatively starting to refer to as friends all sat down on the grass outside the physics building to eat lunch in the gap between lectures and i remember feeling like that was the first time uni didn’t feel like something ‘other’ but something real that was actually happening

i don’t know what to use as my 7th option so i’m gonna give u some contenders: opening my results on results day and genuinely not believing my eyes for like 5 minutes, going to leeds pride with my pals and crying through the jazz band playing ‘wanna dance with somebody’ on saxophone, the holiday i went on with my fam in wales and me and mum got up early to walk along the beach at aberystywyth, when you came to manchester and in the train station where i registered your gryffindor scarf and headphones and short hair before grabbing ur shoulder and hugging u, the first time i went home and heard the next stop announcement for my town on the train and i started tearing up, me n my friend getting last minute tickets to hayley kiyoko and it being the most amazing concert, going to the manchester xmas lights switch on w some pals and hearing all i want for christmas is you for the first time this year, genuinely just any moment i’ve spent with friends either back home or in manchester

sorry this was so long lol i just really love life sometimes and i gotta be able to remember that during the times where i don’t!!

#gosh life is just !!! great sometimes !!!!!#i love my friends !!!!!1 #save #i love my friends tag

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spindleprick · 6 years

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I'm asking you this question because you always give amazing answers. Plus you don't know who this is so you can stay truly neutral. I'll be moving soon to a new country, I'm doing it because I enrolled into a uni there, a uni that I've always dreamed of, but now leaving my friends, home and family is so hard that I've been crying for a whole week now. What should I do? How do I make the sadness go away?

oh no! hello sweet thing, don’t cry! i’m so honoured you would trust me with this information and ask for my help, and while i’ve never been in this situation myself i will do whatever i can to help. i think, for me, what i always want to impart is that you need to allow yourself to suffer first. there comes a time and place where you may need to pick your head up and look for the sweet, kind, wonderful things in your new life to help you move forward, but i truly believe there is no good to be found in denying yourself your sadness. is leaving your home, friends, and family heartbreaking? absolutely. it’s okay to be upset, to cry, to get nostalgic and emotional. i say let this out and allow yourself to feel it now so that you don’t end up wallowing in it.

involve your friends/family in every aspect you can before you go away! don’t have the time to go see a movie or get dinner? invite them for a packing party, bring/make some snacks, talk and listen to music. do the little rituals that may not seem like much but mean everything – for example, my very best friend and i love to watch the road to el dorado together and eat some specific, crappy food. she currently lives in australia, and i’m in canada. before she left, we did this; we did our traditional sleepover with a certain breakfast (yes, everything revolves around food), went to “our place” (a little bridge in a nearby wooded area), had a big night out drinking, etc. experience your sadness so that it doesn’t stop you from taking everything you can from this time before you go! occupy yourself!

something i’ve been doing recently, and have found really lovely results in, is doing things by myself. with absolutely no one else. i can be very anxious and have always needed someone else to be there if i was going to do something and enjoy it, but starting last month i’ve taken myself on dates – to dinner, the movies, shopping, coffee shops, vintage book hunting, even for friday night drinks! going to your new uni (with presumably, nobody you will already know) will be nervewracking, most assuredly, so believe in yourself and show you what you deserve by taking you out on your own dates. have fun on your own so that you know it’s not scary (because i promise you - it actually isn’t), and so that when you move, you can do things on your own and know it’s by choice. you don’t need to wait for people.

remember that your friends are NOT far away!! even if physically they may be, we have so many ways to communicate with one another. like i said before, my best friend in the entire world lives on the literal other side of the world, and has no intention of coming back to where i am soon. but we still text, call, skype, facetime, etc. i know everything about her boyfriend and her two jobs, just like as if we were in the same city. you can do this to! there may be some bumps adjusting to new schedules and timezones, but you don’t have to have hour long calls every time - just quick check-ins here and there help immensely. one of my favourite things to do, which makes me feel so close to her, is when we watch a movie together, use the website rabbit, or share a link and count down when to press play, then use skype/facebook messenger/a regular call to speak throughout it. it really makes me feel like we’re just hanging out again. i also do this with @terriblebeautywrites, who i met on tumblr but consider one of my dear friends (edit:..............ok my wife).

i think this is kind of jumbled, but i hope some sense could be found in it for you. genuinely, let yourself feel. be sad. it’s okay. feel it and cry and go out with your friends and cry there if you need to. do the little things with them. make plans on how to stay in contact, when to talk, etc. look at your new university’s website, flip through the pages, watch youtube videos and see how exciting it’s going to be to get to the place of your dreams (which is incredible by the way, CONGRATULATIONS). you’re amazing. you’re going to do amazing things. don’t fear your sadness, because you’re far stronger than it

#ask #anon #answered

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anzelwolveine · 6 years

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Fear is a Flower

(this was shared somewhere else, but...after writing it, I don’t want it to disappear for good if I get too afraid of judgement and delete it there) I've been...afraid to admit this here. Because I'm so afraid to be judged...but my marriage is failing. I'm...planning on divorce. It took me so long to realize I didn't love my husband, and...even the people around me knew before I did. It's clear now, but I strung it out so long... And there's...another thing. It's terrible timing, but also good. But everyone would just assume things... This is a story, please don't judge me too harshly...I already judge myself plenty for it. I'm...glad I'm still alive, with how much I hate myself. I sure as hell don't want to be, when I remember that. And my husband knows, if any of you wonder...trust me, he knows. I haven't hidden anything... There's someone else. He helped me realize that I didn't love my husband. He's been a friend for a very, very long time. We've had our ups and downs, but I've never once been truly mad at him, nor him at me. He's always been the smile when all I could do is frown and want to die. I met him a few weeks ago, for the first time, in person. I've known him online for...a third of my life. Hell, my mom even knew of him, and she's been gone for a third of my life as well. I friend-zoned him back then, but he stuck around because he's a good guy, always there to tell me I'm worth it in a goofy way. Some guy breaks up with me after a week and tells me I'm immature and annoying? He's there to tell me I'm beautiful and intelligent and don't need someone like that. I fell for him after he persisted for a while. After my mom had passed...but he was good enough of a guy that I actually brought him up to my bed-bound mom (anorexia/alcoholism), and she liked him. During those years, I was on a dating site. I met him, and so many others, there. High school had destroyed my self-esteem, and I was finally medicated for my anxiety/depression. I needed the boost. Guy after guy, just because it helped me feel wanted. After they figured out who I was as a person, had a few lays...they ALL gave up on me. He's the only one who stuck around and kept talking to me. He was always sweet, and didn't seem to 'expect' things like some 'nice guys' do. He just genuinely treated me well. I started to like him after a while. I think the first time I wanted to meet him, he had a lot of family drama going on and couldn't deal with the stress. I was stressed too, and it just clashed, and he ended up making up an excuse not to visit. But a believable one; he lived a few hours away and his car was shit, his job was shit, and he couldn't really afford the trip. (he admits it was just him wimping out now) The 2nd time, to be entirely fair, he had gotten a concussion with a lot of vertigo. He played roller hockey at the time, so that was fair. He's had a total of 5 concussions in his life, I can't even remember which one that was. We kept talking for a while, though, until he hooked up with someone in real life. That hurt, and we just...stopped. I don't remember the specifics, it's been...like 7 years since then. I approached him again though when she was gone, and we rekindled. By then I was living with my evil grandma, aunt had bought me a car, life was going ok but the stress of my evil grandma wore on me. At one point I went to visit my dad, and tried to let him know I'd be happy to drive to see him...but he never answered the phone. Again, nowadays he admits he chickened out again. I was upset, but I got it. He had so much going on in his life, trying to deal with a full uni schedule and a shit job, he couldn't cope with the stress again. I got into a car accident at one point...I over-corrected. Gave a guy whiplash, bruised myself up, but nobody seriously hurt. Just totaled my car. I called my dad first...and he was 2nd. Grandparents third. When I got home that night...grandma SCREAMED at me, blaming me for the crash. I ended up on the floor, sobbing, so afraid...and then had to deal with the insurance claim call. He said he only had free time for 15 minutes at one point, but he could talk, so I paused my insurance talk (the lady on the phone was lovely) to talk to him for 5 minutes. He made me laugh and smile and...forget. I stopped crying. ...during that short window, my grandma, not believing I was actually doing the insurance thing, listened in on the call. She spent the next year reminding me of my call with him, what things he said, mocking him and using it to cite me as a liar. But I refused to trade that for the world. He ended up with two other girls in the next year, one didn't pan out rather quick, the other he stayed with for a while. We didn't talk as much during that time, but when I went to visit my dad again, I offered to visit him. He didn't reply (and admits that's because he was worried meeting me while he was with someone would have been a bad idea, which is true). I dealt. I lived in an apartment for a few years, and still spoke to him. Was introduced to a guy (who is now my husband) through an online game and a mutual friend. He lived in Australia, and he was nice and sweet and shy, and I liked it. He was different from the other guys I'd been cycling through still throughout all this time, just to make myself feel wanted. So I planned my move, and when I went back to my dad's one last time, I offered to see him again...and he didn't reply. That time, it's because he didn't want to screw up what me and the guy had. Which is fair, but...it just...saddened me. I wanted to meet this guy, who had kept me from committing suicide for SO MANY YEARS at that point, who had made me smile when life tried to ruin me... I got to Australia, built a life here, was...never truly physically happy with my partner, but I figured there was a reason. Weight, bad breath, the temperature, I kept thinking up possibilities. We tried fixing it. It... It never worked. I spoke to him on and off throughout my marriage, nothing more than friends for most of it. At one point in my marriage, though, I realized I needed to be physically happy, and...we decided on an open marriage. I should have realized that was kinda a sign of what was happening, but...I didn't. Skip more time, and...well, I started realizing I...couldn't say 'I love you' to my husband any more and feel like I meant it. I hated myself for it. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I kept talking with the other guy, and he was always supportive. He's never once, ever, tried to do ANYTHING to sway me towards him. He's just been good to me. He's actually actively tried to steer me away from him at times because he only wants what's best for me, even if I don't care and just want myself miserable half the time. I realized that the last person I ever wanted kids with was my first boyfriend. And, this guy...I wouldn't mind a kid with him. I thought he'd be a good father. I didn't even want a kid with my partner. When something scared me one night, during a panic attack, I thought of my final words, and they were to him. I realized how I felt. I told my partner these things, I'd been telling him stuff as time went on, but he...he hadn't done anything wrong. If anything, -I- was using -him-, and I told him this. He pleaded with me, every time, and won. Because the guilt ate me. Because I was the bad person, and he deserved to be happy, even at the cost of my own happiness. I didn't mention this, but...I didn't even enjoy the wedding. And so...I asked the guy one more time, would he let me meet him, and he said yes, without a doubt. It...wasn't affordable for him, for obvious reasons, but it was for me. So I planned it. And we were both happy. Then he stopped talking to me...for a month. I never had a more miserable month in my life. I just wanted to know what I had done wrong to deserve it. I begged. I pleaded. I left a voicemail with a long distance call, even. It...took me interviewing myself in a message to him, with how broken I was...to finally get a response. He'd started liking someone else there, a friend he'd known, and the guilt ate him inside. He thought disappearing, I would be happier just hating him... He...fell into depression. I didn't even know the extent of it, I just knew he wasn't happy. He utterly ruined things with the girl, who ended up not being a good match for him, but...no matter how much I said to him, prodded and pried for what the fuck was wrong, he never got mad at me. I was the first person he told what was going wrong in his life. (and now i know he tried to kill himself...and i can't imagine an angel in human form leaving this world like that) We...were still going to meet. Time got closer to my trip. I told my husband again. He guilted me with his life, saying he wanted to kill himself if I left. I gave in again. I left for the trip. Time ran so slow... ...I finally met him. He wasn't...the same as I remembered. But it'd been nearly 10 years, obviously he'd changed. He was so...warm, his personality. I was afraid to show him my true self, in person, because everyone rejects it. He just held me, no matter how long I wanted it to last. He kissed me, because I was too afraid to kiss him. We laid there for at least an hour after meeting, just looking at each other. I...we kept kissing. And, the thing is...I don't (normally) like kissing. I've enjoyed kissing 2 guys in my life, out of 20+, and even then, they were very minor. This was...different. I actually initiated the kisses. I finally understood why people enjoyed kissing... There were...other things, but, well, one thing does lead to another. He took me out to eat,the next day, and his car smelled like hockey, but I found I liked it. Brought me to the store to grab some stuff for the hotel (bread and such, cuz i was staying a week), but when we got back we just enjoyed each other's company. He let me watch a game that was going on for a bit while he did some work-related stuff, and we went back. The amount of time we just spent together, not doing anything but lying there, cuddling, no tv, no anything...it still wasn't enough. He brought me to a hockey game he was playing one evening after work, and despite how shit his team did, I loved every minute of it. I loved seeing him do something he loved. After the game, he was upset due to a frustrating teammate, but...he calmed down. We talked for a bit at one point, about that month he ignored me. All the times we never met. I saw the sadness creep into his eyes, and it hurt to see. But he answered every question, and hated himself for everything he'd ever done to hurt me. Every chance he didn't take. He was hurting enough that I could barely get him to smile again. But he slept with me that night, and I was happy. Waking up next to him...was perfect. He even brought me to an arcade. Guys...don't bring me on dates. Even my husband never has...but I just...it was awesome. We made fools of ourselves. Talked about silly stuff. Beat each other in Mario Kart, laughed, and it was amazing. When he finally had to bring me to my dad's, I didn't want to leave him. But he admitted to me, his entire opinion of everything had changed. That week had changed him. He said he could never forget how much I just enjoyed being with him, doing ANYTHING with him, whether chores or work-related or fun. He promised me it wouldn't be the last time we met. And...during my week with him, I'd...already told my husband it was done. Via messages. Because in person, he always guilted me until I gave in. I couldn't do that again. ...while at my dad's, though...my husband wrote me an essay. That ripped me to shreds. And...twice, that day, I wanted to kill myself. Both times, I turned to the guy, and he absolutely refused to let me talk about myself that way. To think that way. He called me, and told me how amazing I am, and that I just need to keep going on. That he couldn't be happy if I did something like... ...it takes so much out of a person to keep someone from killing themselves. He's saved me so many times, I can't count it on all of my digits. I don't understand how, or why, he puts up with me. I'm...back now. My husband and I will see a counselor soon, and I will slowly end it. He's coming to terms with the fact it's over. I'm trying to...better myself. To not be the person in the essay. And... ...and I can't believe I actually found someone I want kids with. I want to kiss. But everyone would assume I'm leaving my husband, for this guy...when it's just a fucking shit-ass coincidence. The guy who SET ME UP with my husband KNEW we weren't working out, LONG BEFORE I knew myself... But now, I realize...I'm going to be happier over there. With him. His smile. I could be in a rundown apartment, have a shit job, but I'd actually be happy. Love is so important to me. I write fiction about it, even. Hundreds of poems. And I forgot I deserve to be in love, too... And I am. I love him. He knows. He's not ready to say something like that, and that's okay. Because if it doesn't work out, he's still the friend he always has been. He's still a beautiful person, who tells me to do what makes ME happy, screw everyone else. I... Is it okay for me to be happy that I finally found my happy ending? That it...hurts someone that doesn't deserve it, for me to get there? Because even if that week hadn't worked...I'd still be getting a divorce. I'd just...move somewhere different. It's...all so fucked up. I'm so afraid.

#marriage #divorce #love #follow your heart #guilt

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unofficialxstyles · 6 years

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Chapter 2-Time Loops & Things

I jammed my finger against the green button quickly, only to come face to face with an all too familiar figure. Although he was covered in sweat and in an indisputable state of not yet having a shower, he still managed to look cool. And cute. Even with those damn shoes.

I panicked.

“You!” Stranger Danger’s lips spread into a wide smirk, recognition evident on his face.

Clearly, I was not the only one who had a vivid memory of our encounter.

“Me,” I answered tentatively, nodding my head slowly, as if I, myself, needed to to confirm his already obvious statement.

“I didn’t know you go to the gym. I’ve never seen you before,”

Shit, was I in a time loop?

I love Reese.

Or at least I did during the times he was not attempting to push me into the depths of trouble or try to shred every last semblance of dignity and/or credibility that I possessed.

Growing up, Reese and I had been close. Being two years apart meant that we did have some things in common, at least, that we could talk about. I idolised him and wanted to be like him in the earlier part of my youth-there was even a time I dressed up like the Backstreet Boys because he was in a phase.

Uncle Sam made sure I never forgot those days, sadly.

Unfortunately, growing up close also meant that Reese would pull the occasional prank and like every member of the male species, enjoyed getting on my nerves. He ratted on me when I bought my first lace bra with Katie Lee at thirteen and he saw me at the mall. He swapped my shampoo for toothpaste before my date at sixteen. He egged me on often, setting impossible tasks for me to accomplish. Despite knowing most times that I would fail, I took his bait, anyway, and it usually ended up with him kneeling over with laughter and me rubbing my face in mountainous embarrassment.

Despite that, I loved my brother.

And maybe wanted his approval.

That was why I agreed to meet him at eleven at night, running on four hours of sleep the day before, at a coffee shop half way across town.

It was bad decision number three hundred and ninety-three.

“So, you basically just buy coffee for the crew?” I asked in genuine horror, incredulous that after having to spend a conspicuous amount of money for his degree in stage management, Reese Westwood was reduced to being a coffee man.

I might hate him sometimes but nobody deserved to be half asleep, queueing in a snaking line for cups of coffee only to have to balance them on hands, legs and head afterwards to get it to a crew.

My brother only nodded. Instead of looking dejected over my statement regarding his non-bright predicament, however, his eyes lit up.

“I have to learn the ropes, Rob. I mean, I’m new and nothing they teach you at university is useful anyway. Tell me, do they tell you how to handle screaming kids at uni? Really handle them,” he shot back. I opened my mouth, then closed it again-there was no lie there, for sure. Reese pointed a finger at me, as if he proved a point. “You have to be in it to learn it. So you know, if buying coffee means I get a chance to work along side the actual stage manager then I’d gladly do it,”

Sometimes, my brother made sense.

I mean, you gotta bust ass occasionally.

“That does make sense,” I agreed, downing the remainder of my sugarless concoction.

Why anyone would fancy decorated coffee was beyond me, by the way.

“Enough about my coffee runs. What are you up to these days? Besides burying yourself in Twilight fanfiction and napping every time it rains,” Reese listed, an indication that my brother knew me too well. I reached over and smacked him on the arm.

“Could you please lower down your volume about the Twilight fanfiction,” I mumbled through gritted teeth. “It’s not like I can stop myself. And…you’re wrong, Reese. I go out to the bookstore on my own now,”

My brother clapped slowly, then snorted in disapproval. It was a miracle that he did not sputter coffee all over the table, too.

“That’s hardly activity, Robin. I’m concerned for you,” I rolled my eyes, leaning back against the chair, crossing one leg over the other. He seemed determined in his quest to…whatever the quest was. “You should really join a gym, you know. They have classes and you get healthy and all the good stuff. And you can make friends,”

I looked at him as if he told me I had grown pink feathers and green scales-at the same time.

“Right. Sweaty people and over inflated egos at the dumbbell thingy? No thank you, Reese. You might be the active one but I am fine just the way I am. And I already have friends,” I held my hands up in defence, face contorted in disgust.

At this point in time (or any point in time for that matter), I was fine with him taking the title for ‘most fit and good looking in the family’; I was definitely not fighting him for the position. Besides, he had been trying to get me to go to the gym for years with little success. I liked my life the way it was.

That was not about to change now.

“You have two friends, Rob. Come on, twenty-three is the time your body starts to slow you down,” he argued on, ignoring my previous undertone of absolute rejection of his idea. My brother could be a real pusher when he really wanted to be. “I’ll pay for you,”

I shook my head ‘no’ once more. This appeared to exasperate my brother and he threw his hands up in the air, as if he only just found out his little sister abhorred the idea of physical activity in any form.

“That’s just you now, isn’t it? You so readily give up when it’s outside your comfort zone. Even if it’s good for you. You’re a quitter,” Reese accused.

O-kay. Was this the start of a sand pit fight but with words?

“Reese, come on. Why’re you so upset, anyway? It’s the gym; you know the answer! I’ve told you many times before. And how does this make me a quitter?”

“Uhm, you don’t even try? That’s quitting before it even starts! You quit playing Barbies when the comb got stuck in the doll’s hair,”

“I was like…five, Reese, and it was the doll’s hair or my hand and self-worth,” I responded flatly, my eyes narrowed at my brother’s nerve to deliver a low blow and his tendency to bring up my dark past.

The air between us stilled and for a while, we did nothing but stare at each other. Well, I stared at my brother while he checked out a blonde barista whom I presumed was making eyes at him.

Right.

“Prove you’re not a quitter then,” his words finally cut through the momentary silence that hung between us. His attention was back on me, then.

I hated how much I could never resist when my brother posed a challenge.

Even when repeated events reminded me that it would do me no good and I would be the one who ended up the one with a less than favourable memory of any shared incidences.

“Fine,”

Bad decision number three hundred and ninety four? Checked.

That was almost two and the half weeks ago. Between then and now, I have had to resuscitate myself at least fifty-two times by gasping large amounts air- while holding my stomach so the contents did not accidentally choke me to death, too.

All in all, I was miserable.

“Alright, this is the last stretch. We’re going up a mountain. I need you to increase your resistance…turn the gear, and…push,”

And boy did I push.

My legs spun wildly on the bicycle, matching the beat of Bieber’s ‘Sorry’, sweat dripping down every inch of my body-even in the darkest of places. By then, my ponytail had untangled itself slightly, wisps of hair flying in my face from the fan blowing in double directions to mimic winds on a mountain or something like that-I was far too gone to care. Trying not to eat my own hair whilst feebly getting air into my lungs and ignoring the burn in my legs at the same time proved impossible but thankfully, the music slowly died.

And so did I. Well, almost.

I slumped on the bicycle seat, body bent forward as I attempted to catch my breath-this time for longer than the thirty-second interval. Around me, people cheered for a job well done and had begun getting off the bicycle to do the closing stretches.

I, on the other hand, needed two more minutes to make sure I was not completely dead.

Unluckily for me, the length of the stretch was equivalent to the time I took to regain myself proper. By the time I stumbled off the bicycle and reached for the towel to make sure I did not flood the room with perspiration, everyone else was already gayly filing out, the instructor himself grinning as he high fived each one of them on their way out. A far cry from my own appearance, the instructor looked like he had been sitting on the couch watching Sherlock the whole time and not yelling at the top of his lungs for the class to keep up to his insane pace.

Lucky bastard.

As I ambled out, he offered me a bright smile and his hand for a high five. I obliged. Now that we were not under dim, pseudo disco lights, I could see how obviously fit he was, his tattoo decorated arm muscular.

“You’re new? I haven’t seen you before,” he commented, falling into step next to me.

Oh hell no.

I was not in the mood for a conversation right now. I have not even fully recovered, for God’s sake.

“Uhm yea.” I replied. I would have hastened my pace and made a run for the showers, too, but my legs were jelly and therefore, uncooperative.

Screw this.

Before this, the only jelly I came into contact with was plated.

When Liam mentioned that this was an easy class to conquer, he clearly and conveniently forgot to mention that the notion only applied to people who have been at this for a while.

Not a novice gym go-er.

“Ah, no wonder I haven’t seen you before,” Ditto that. “You kept up pretty well with the rest of the class for a first timer. Usually, most do not make it past the first twenty minutes, I’m impressed,”

“Thank you? I usually try not to disappoint,”

That comment earned a light chuckle from my instructor, his green eyes crinkling at the corners, as if I had said the funniest thing he heard all day. I only looked at him, perplexed at his reaction, then cleared my throat.

“I, uh, should go. Don’t want to kill anyone with my looks and smell right now,” I continued, pointing in the direction of the locker room. “Thanks for the…class,”

The instructor smiled and nodded but did not make a move for two whole seconds. I stared back awkwardly, wondering if he had anything to add or if I had something on my face other than proof of hard work. After deciding that a decent amount of time had passed with no immediate concern for my ego, I flashed a gawky smile and painfully climbed up the stairs that led to the locker room.

There was no point in prolonging torture of any form, anyway.

The process of cleaning up was quick and hassle free, motivated by the fact that I had materials to prepare for work the next day. Plus, locker rooms generally made me uncomfortable, too. It was the place to showcase your true level of confidence, clearly, because no one there seemed to know the meaning of the word decency or consideration. People stripped bare and left their under things lying around freely-not caring who else could be possibly terrorised by the mere sight or whether or not they were overexposing their deepest secrets.

Hence, I had no choice but to prance around with half closed eyelids right after my shower. I slid into my clothes as quickly as possible before making a swift exit. By this time, I was desperate to go home and leave my gym adventures in the dust.

At least for now.

I had made it to the lift, too, when halfway through the door closing, someone yelled.

“Hold it!”

I jammed my finger against the green button quickly, only to come face to face with an all too familiar figure. Even covered in sweat and in an indisputable state of not yet having a shower, he still managed to look cool. And cute. Even with those damn shoes.

I panicked.

“You!” Stranger Danger’s lips spread into a wide smirk, recognition evident on his face.

Clearly, I was not the only one who had a vivid memory of our encounter.

“Me,” I answered tentatively, nodding my head slowly, as if I, myself, needed to confirm his already obvious statement.

“I didn’t know you go to the gym, too. I’ve never seen you before,”

Shit, was I in a time loop?

Lucky for me, I remembered to press the ‘door close’ button and the lift whizzed towards the first floor.

“It’s a new arrangement. You go to the gym, too?”

It was a stupid question, probably, but it was either that or the sound of dead silence the rest of the way down so it was mindless decision, really.

Dead silence gave me the creeps.

“Yeah, yeah. Been going for a while now,” If he thought it was a stupid question, he indicated none of it. He did, however, stretch his hand out. “I’m Harry…Styles. Harry Styles,”

I blinked a few times.

“Robin Westwood,” I introduced myself, then took his hand. His long fingers curled around mine and after firmly shaking twice, he let go.

“Like batman and Robin,” he commented, jamming a hand into the pocket of his shorts. The lift was nearly to the lobby but he was bouncing on his feet, clearly impatient.

I, however, was livid.

I had not heard the batman joke in eight years. Maybe ten. The last person who said it to me got a black eye.

It was one of my prouder moments, I must admit.

Thankfully, the door opened just as the possibility of socking Harry Styles floated into my mind. The impending crisis was therefore temporarily averted as we both stepped out.

“See you again soon?” he asked, halting mid-step.

All else aside, at that moment, I found myself wondering just why my resolve and determination to simply get home was met with obstacles over and over again. Did I offend the universe? Harry was oblivious and prodded on.

“I’m here Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. The strength classes are the best so maybe we could gym together sometime,”

Before I could formulate a proper reply, most likely to decline his kind invitation, the door to another elevator opened and out stepped a herd of people, the last of which was my spinning class instructor. His calm expression morphed into a friendly grin when he spotted Harry and I.

Damnit, what now?

Spinning Instructor waved enthusiastically, making a beeline for us. Unlike my newly minted friend, he was undoubtedly clean.

“Harry, hi. Didn’t see you at the gym,” Instructor commented, then turned to me, offering a nod of acknowledgement. Harry waved a hand back in greeting.

“Aye, John was working me hard today, Louis,”

They then launched into deep conversation about protein shakes.

That was definitely my cue to exit because this could go on forever and had absolutely nothing to do with me. My journey home was already prolonged by five minutes and twenty seconds for less than justifiable reasons in the first place.

“I should go. You two should catch up,” I interjected, already taking small steps back, water bottle clutched to my chest. “It was nice meeting you two,”

They paused their conversation and turned to bid me goodbye, I assumed, but unlike the smile he wore before, Harry merely cast his gaze in my direction, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Uh, Robin. You should probably know... I can see your...things...through your shirt,” Harry cautioned.

“Things?” my expression matched his but my eyes immediately darted towards my shirt.

Shit

Tits. He meant tits.

A/N: An update!! An actual update!!!!!!!!!!!!! *random crowd cheering* I actually saw Harry on Thursday in all his shiny gold clad glory and I am never the same since then. Talk to me about Harry. Or Robin. Or even Spinning Instructor; I’d love to hear your thoughts!! P.S: Spinning classes are actually pretty fun tbh!!

#1dff #1dff updates #harry styles #harry styles au #harry styles blurb #harry styles fanfiction #one direction #one direction au #one direction fanfic #one direction fanfiction #finally? sort of?

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in-her-wildest-dreams · 7 years

Text

MY LA SECRET SESSION EXPERIENCE!

Background:

So Taylor’s been following me for over 2 years now and she’s showed up for me somewhat regularly ever since she followed me which I’m incredibly grateful for (like INCREDIBLY). When she did secret sessions last era, I didn’t even have a fan account for anything and I got all the news off insta and my best friends in real life @thislove-brittany and @thosegeorgiastars13 when we would come into school and talk about how some extremely lucky fans got to go into her home and hang with her for hours on end. At that point we all almost had to laugh because we live in Australia and we weren’t known AT ALL by Taylor and we just told ourselves it was such a far fetched dream it was ridiculous… Fast forward a few months later that next year in 2015, when Taylor followed me – I believe to this day she saw a photo of B, G and I posing as Bad Blood characters, and she followed me from that. So basically the first memory I have of Taylor acknowledging my existence was shared with my 2 best friends, but let me now continue with the story….

On the 1st of January this year, I wrote this post:

About 4 weeks ago, things at uni went downhill and I had quite literally hit rock bottom in terms of my stress and my future regarding uni. At the same sort of time Taylor had started joining people’s livestreams but she would do so between the hours of 3-7am Australian time so I just kept waking up to her lurking people and watching their lives while I had zero chances in the first place and it was there and then that I thought to myself ‘I’m never meeting her, I have negative hope that I’ll ever meet Taylor” and basically I spent a few days not logging in very much because I was so upset about everything and just didn’t want to bother. But then I started having so many fun events like friends and family birthday parties over those next few weekends and life felt a bit better. During one of those weeks, Taylor had seen 2 or 3 of my tumblr posts where I complimented people’s selfies and it hit me then that good things were still coming and that she still probably maybe had her eye on me (but it was still just wishful thinking). Then London SS happened and my best friend from England, Katy aka @ethereal-swiftness ended up meeting T and I’d sent her an ask about keeping the secret and Taylor saw that a day later and once again I really started to feel things again and it was almost as if right then I knew something was coming for me – like I just knew.

Getting Contacted by TN

So it was Wednesday morning on the 18th of October, 5.36am, when B and G texted me about 23 times in a row with messages like “EMENME” “CHECK TUMVLT NOW GO DHCIENEONC DO IT CHEJCK IT” “WE GOT THE SMEDSAHE” so naturally I nearly fell out of my bed because yes, in fact, my 2 best friends in real life had both individually received a confidential message from TN and so I went to check my tumblr and there was nothing there so I was worried at first, but I know they always take a while to send each one out, and once again, by my own intuition, I just knew I was getting one, and knew somehow that all of us were going to meet her together at some point – we’d been on countless walks by the beach all year dreaming about the day we’d meet T together, and I just knew in my heart it would happen for us all – and so I had to go to uni that day so I was checking my messages every other minute of the day, and I got home in the afternoon and had a nap because I was physically exhausted LOL. Next minute I realise its nearly 6pm and I was getting ready for dinner, and out of nowhere, my subconscious mind decided that I’d click on my twitter app, which I genuinely barely EVER touch these days - I hadn’t touched it in days, but somehow my mind told me to click on it in that moment, and the second I logged in there was one new message, and there it was. I screamed so loud and started shrieking, running over to mum and dad and yelling at them – they were very very excited because I’d told them about the girls getting one that morning!!! I couldn’t believe they’d sent it via twitter as my main account is tumblr and I was expecting it to come from there but hey then I realised how shifty Taylor is and she probably gave them my twitter because its in my tumblr bio (!!!!!!) (TN don’t follow me on twitter either). They asked for my details in the message. Anyway so it hit me that night that I was officially meeting Taylor anytime in the next 2 weeks or so and I remember proper crying in the shower that night (I never cry properly like I just don’t do it?!!!!) because it was just a shock and it couldn’t have come at a better time honestly and it all just hit me so hard. So anyway the next day I was writing my notes for uni and at about 1pm, I got a call from a New York number and I knew instantly it was TN. I think it may have been Sierra but I honestly can’t remember LOL so the first thing she said was “I understand this may be a bit of a flight…” and in the moment I was like ‘yeah no Sydney or Melbourne is nothing for me’, expecting the event was to be held in Australia LOL, but the next thing she said was “So there’s actually going to be an event in the Los Angeles area on Sunday” and I straight away said “wait you mean this Sunday?!!!” and she said “Yes like in 4 days Sunday, yes in Los Angeles, now I know this is a lot and you may not be able to come but at this stage there’s nothing else on the cards, and we do have your details now and we can send you some things in the meantime” so I said “okay okay can I just call you back so I can sort some things out, can I please just call you back” and she was fine with that and so I hung up and told Mum instantly and then called Dad and he was so happy for me that he was already helping me look up next day flights! So low and behold, within the hour, I ended up booking flights myself and getting in contact with the girls so we could sort out similar flight times and hotels etc, and TN called me back and I told them it was a ‘go’ and that’s the story of how I was suddenly about to fly to LA with one days’ notice to meet Taylor Swift LOL. So basically I had to spend the next few days making up (very) lame excuses to you guys online as to why I wasn’t posting at my usual times and it was the hardest secret I will ever have to keep OH. MY. GOD.

Arriving in LA

So Friday morning LA time I arrived and met up with the girls straight away at the airport luckily, and we made our way to our hotel. Of course because we were all on a 13+ hour flight, we missed the release of ‘Gorgeous’ and we knew we had to learn the lyrics before Sunday LOL so it was on repeat for 48 hours straight and we were loving every moment of it. We had an amazing 2 full days exploring LA and doing fun things, knowing how excited we were for Sunday’s adventure!!!

Meeting Taylor

In no time it was Sunday the 22nd October, aka the day we were meeting Taylor Swift in her LA home. (!!!!!!) We had to go out shopping in the morning to find a frame for B’s painting she was doing for T, and then we probably spent the rest of the day in the hotel with ‘Gorgeous’ on repeat getting prepared to actually get ready LOL. By 12pm we started doing our makeup and hair because we didn’t want to rush the process or anything, and honestly soon enough it was already 3.30pm and we were downstairs taking photos and vlogging, about to hop in an uber to take us to the meeting spot (!!!!!!). So we get there and walk inside to where TN directed us, fill out some details and get our wristbands (!!!!!) and suddenly I recognise this girl with dark hair and a stripy dress, and I just kNEW straight away it was Bella aka @swiftful-thinking13 but I had that fear it wasn’t so I waited a bit longer to properly check and it was DEFINITELY her LOL so we were all kind of standing in a circle and I just looked at her and went “Bella… Bella… BELLA” and she dead set looked at me in complete and utter shock for god knows how long (there were no words coming out I kid you not) and so then and there we both ran into a hug and she basically started crying, saying “THIS IS BETTER THAN MEETING TAYLOR SWIFT I CANT BELIEVE YOU’RE HERE IN LA WTF MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE I LOVE YOU” and literally until we actually got on the shuttle she was in disbelief and none of us could quite believe what was happening LOL (I knew ALL ALONG she was gonna be there, may I add, I KNEW it).

This is a pic of Bella and I basically as soon as we met!!

Anyway among all this chaos, someone informed me that @ohkimani just rolled up and I legit stood up, looked around and went “KIMANI” and there she was in front of me and yeah that was casual, considering I was supposed to meet both these girls in a few months time when I’m back in LA!!! So we took some photos, had a good chat, and I also met Paige!! ( @heypay ), and waited around until it was time for us all to get on the shuttles to the ‘secret location’.

Kimani, Bella and I!

It was about 6pm or so when our group got on the shuttle after a security check, and I sat next to Bella, while B and G sat right behind us, and we spent the entire ride basically holding each others hands crying, knowing that we were minutes away from Taylor Swift’s house (!!!!!!). So we roll up to her place, the gates open and it felt like I was in wonderland in that moment, I’m telling you it was indescribable. We had to have another body check when we got off the shuttle, and we were then told to stand against the wall. On my way to the wall, I saw what looked like her guest living area all lit up with about 20 candles sitting around a bench LOL, and then there was an archway next to the wall to the backyard that was surrounded by fairy lights!!!!!!!! So in the few minutes we waited for everyone to get off the bus, we started hyperventilating and going into panic mode like I think I said to Bella about 20 times in a row that I wanted to turn around and leave because it felt fake and I got so scared suddenly that we were about to be in Taylor Swift’s presence (!!!!!!!!).

Anyway soon enough I think it was Erica who escorted us through to the backyard, and into the pool area where the first group were mingling. All the food was set up on tables around the pool area and I just about lost my entire soul in that moment…. It was like a scene from a Hollywood movie like her location is divine!!!! and just sitting around her pool eating her food was a feeling I could never ever ever describe to you…ever. I had a plate with hommus and carrots because a lot of you know I can’t live without hommus LOL, and I had some olives, a REP cookie, REP m&m’s, a sushi roll thing, chips, and of course, a SMART water hehe. When we went to sit down by the jacuzzi, ‘Fire Away’ by Chris Stapleton started playing, and Bella and I just looked at each other in disbelief because in that moment everything was perfect, and we were listening to such a chilled, country song as the sun set in the most beautiful way over LA on a warm autumnal night at Taylor Swift’s house. It was there that I think we both just cried, like we’d met for the first time at Taylor Swift’s house and we’d already felt like best friends and it all came full circle, and I looked at B and G and went, guys this just isn’t real, its not… how did we fly here, I can’t believe life right now. That moment is a memory I’ll treasure forever and I truly could not have felt more content with my life – everything felt perfect. So we were waiting until the other groups arrived, and suddenly I saw Tree turn up so I went over and while she was chatting to other people, @teardropsonsmyguitar came over to me and said “OH MY GOD I KNEW I RECOGNISED YOU OH MY GOD EMILY HEY” and I was like oh my gODDD girl, remind me your username again!!!! And she told me and I knew it was Kaitlyn straight away and she told me I was beautiful etc and just about cried then too because I felt closer than ever to everyone there even though I was oceans away from home! Finally Tree turned to us and she said “So where are you guys from?!” and B, G and I said together “Australia!” and she goes “wOW WOW oh my GOD what part?!” and we said Gold Coast and she was so enthused and ecstatic for us and then I asked her how her cat is going and she told us a cute little story and it was adorable hehe and then we spoke more and she had to go and check on something and left. I also finally got to meet my Aussie gal @screamedsooloud and her sister during that time and we were talking about the fact that none of us knew if any other Aussies were gonna be there and omg Dani is truly as funny as you see online LOL.

Anyway soon after, we were escorted back up to the house, into a small living area with candles lit everywhere and soft pillows/blankets all over the floor. I was so mesmerised by everything that I wasn’t paying attention to where B and G were and suddenly they said “EM, come over here!!!” and I turned around and saw a red chair with speakers either side and I knew EXACTLY where homegirl was about to be sitting, so somehow we ended up smack bang at the front of the room, less than 1m away from the chair. We then spent a solid 10 minutes screeching and crying to each other, knowing Taylor Swift was about to sit less than a f*****g metre away from us for 2 hours (!!!!!!!!!!!!). So yeah all of a sudden, there was commotion at the back of the room, and Taylor Alison Swift appeared through the curtain, and the whole room turned into madness and hysteria holy christ, but no apparently that wasn’t enough – two of the HAIM sisters are right behind her, as well as Jack Antonoff, Ruby Rose, Jessica Veronica (I think), Ash Avignone, and someone else and the whole room went into riot (!!!!!!) Taylor made her way to the front, hugging some people along the way, including B, to which T said “YOU MADE IT!”, knowing we came from Australia (????!!!!!!!). So there we were, less than a metre away from Taylor Swift herself, trying to act like we were somewhat alive in that moment. She looks very different in real life I found I don’t know she just looked so beautiful and perfect in every way and she was wearing high waisted camo pants with huge boots and a long sleeved black crop with her curly hair and red lips!!! I won’t talk now much about what happened in that room, but I WILL say I had a dance party with her and she came over to us and fully had a proper dance sesh and it still just felt like a dream. Throughout the playing of the album, she looked at me so intently so many times that I felt like I had to look away at times because she truly does stare into your soul like its mesmerising WOW. Anyway when (my now favourite song) was playing, I started crying instantly and I saw that she was watching me at times, and by the last verse, Bella, me, B and G had all lost it, laughing and crying at each other, having the absolute time of our lives, and T watched us, smiling and miming the lyrics to us the whole verse and that was by far probably the happiest moment of my life, it was just a feeling you could not put into words – it meant everything and it couldn’t have been more perfect, she made that song extra special for me and I’ll have that memory to hold onto forever. We also fully bowed down to her like you actually would to Queen Elizabeth, because hey she IS a queen, and it was so funny LOL.

Once she’d kinda finished up with that part of the night, she told us she had to go de-sweat and freshen up because that LA heat with 100 of us in a small room was really getting to everyone and so we kinda mingled and went for a bathroom rush to freshen up ourselves before we started the meet and greet/photo opportunity. We went to what was probably her guest bathroom, as the house is still in renovation and there were actual notes on the wall saying ‘wallpaper’ etc like it was legit in mid renovation so it was exciting to know that she told us we were the first official ‘guests’ in this home?!!!! And then we got back into the room and mingled while people started forming a line to the next room where she was about to take photos and meet us! It was probably about 45 minutes later, after lots of crying and talking and general disbelief, that we were about to walk over and hug Taylor Swift – ‘Malibu’ by Miley Cyrus was playing right before we met her and I could not have been happier I swear.

Brittany went over first and she hugged her so tight, and then T looked at me like ‘HEY!’ and we hugged (absolutely magical hugs they are), and then G hugged her. The first thing I said was “okay so we got told on Thursday and booked next day flights over here” and she said instantly “look I still can’t believe you guys made it like I can’t believe it WOW!” and then I think we spoke a bit more about it and she said “so Ali texted me before saying ‘The Australians are here!’ and I was so excited and I can’t believe you’re actually here!” And B said something like “of COURSE we’re here we wouldn’t miss it!!!” and then I think we must have taken the photo and I was like “Can I hold the Grammy” and she was like “uhhh yeaahhhhhhh” and I asked her which Grammy it was to which she said “1989 AOTY” and so there I was holding her latest Grammy in her house, just casually. I gave it to B to hold, and then held it again on the throne that we sat on in the photo LOL, and she gave G the phone from the LWYMMD music video that she danced with earlier LOL. So we all sat down and then T leaned in from the side and I think she put her arm around B and before I could even orientate myself nicely they’d already taken the photo LOL so I’m worried how that will turn out…. So then we all spoke a bit more and I asked her how the cats were and she said “yeah they’re doing really well at home now, although they did have a fight today” and she showed me the scar on her finger LOL, and then she said “but Meredith’s been so good lately, she’s been behaving and she even purred” and I think I just laughed and said ‘yeah purring’s always a good sign’ or something stupid, and then I complimented her black sparkly nails and she pulled them out towards us and said “aww thanks, do you like them? I did them today!” and then we must have said again that we couldn’t believe we were really there and she said “guys I just cannot believe you made it, thank you so much” and then the girls walked away because everyone seemed to go as a group first and then allow each person to have a one on one with Taylor. So suddenly it was just me and Taylor and I think the first thing we did was get a photo and so I said “okay what should we do” and she was like “I don’t mind, whatever you want” and so I quickly said “lets just hug” because I always wanted a cute hugging photo so we just locked ourselves in a hug, and JUST as the photographer was about to take our photo, they had to walk away and change something, so in any normal situation I thought T would let go and just wait, but she LITERALLY KEPT HUGGING ME in that position and I nearly died I was in shock but also felt so loved in that moment and I said “oh my god you smell AMAZING” because we were literally THAT close her scent was fully rubbing off on me and she smelled DIVINE like my gOD !!!!!! And she said “awww thanks” and then I think we finally got our photo, and then started talking more. The first proper thing she said was “oh my god I LOVE your dress so much, wow, its like perfect for like a more important, special type of occasion, like a first date, you know what I mean?!” and I just lost it then wow. I think after that I mentioned how thankful I am for all the tumblr friends I’ve made and how supportive we are online and she said something like “awww yes it’s the most beautiful thing” and then I mentioned Akhila ( @smilingswiftie ) and how she told me she was meeting T beforehand and then I realised I probably shouldn’t have told Taylor that so I quickly said “don’t worry, I kept the secret!!” and she turned back and cackled LOL I found it pretty funny and then she ACTUALLY SPOKE ABOUT AKHILA and said “oh my god she’s so pure and adorable and I didn’t want to let her go” and I said “yeah she’s so beautiful” and then I mentioned how Mere ( @lifeofswiftie89 ) had mentioned Jess ( @jessicaswiftie1989 ) and I (my OG group chat) at the RI ss and she interrupted and said “ah Meredith with the cats” and nodded and said “yeah yeah” before I finished Jess’s name and she fully knew them as she apparently did when Mere mentioned Jess and I to her (?!!!!!) so yeah that happened and she knows a LOT of people I tell you… And then I think she was just standing there and I remember looking up and saying “you’re GORGEOUS” because I wanted to sneak in the ‘gorgeous’ reference LOL, and she stepped back and did that cute little smile of hers and said “thanks GORGEOUSSSSSSS” just like she sings it in the song (!!!!!!) and then I probably said for the millionth time that I couldn’t quite believe I was there and she said for the millionth time “I can’t believe you’re here thank you so much for coming!!” and then she had the AUDACITY to say so casually like so casually I almost died, that “you were on the list ages ago, I’m so sorry they took so long!” and I think I just laughed in shock and went “well I can’t BELIEVE I’m here, thank you so much” and then I think she hugged me again and we said our goodbyes and it was B and G’s turn to speak with her. I got my merch bag and Ali wanted me to wait for the girls because they wanted to interview us about coming all this way…. And then soon enough we were escorted out the side door and back onto the bus and I basically wanted to cry then LOL and so that was the story of how I flew 13 hours across the world with 3 days notice to meet Taylor Swift in LA with my 2 best friends!!!!!!!

Timing really is a funny thing, and it all just so happened at quite honestly the most perfect time ever. This year I have felt more confident than ever, and most content with myself and my life and I feel like the best things happen when you’re at your best and that’s why meeting her when I did couldn’t have possibly come at a better time – just know that good things come to those who wait, and you’ll know when you know, I promise. Never ever ever give up.

And so to end the story, on October 22nd 2017, this happened:

thank you endlessly from the bottom of my heart for the opportunity of a lifetime, and for giving me a memory I will NEVER forget as long as I live, Taylor, you’re truly the best there is :’)

#la ss #story #miss IT #ss experience

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looselucy · 6 years

Photo

February

A knock on the door shook me awake, gasping and bolting upright, Kev looking at me with worried eyes, a little baffled by my state. I don’t know what triggered that reaction in me, for me to wake up like that, terrified before I’d even done anything with myself. I was physically shaking. “I’m sorry!” Kev gasped. “No it’s fine, I’m fine. Sorry.” “Okay... Well, we’re gunna be serving breakfast in about half an hour, if you want to join us.” He smiled. “Yeah, of course. Please.” I glanced to my side to see it was just me in bed. “Where’s Harry?” “Down by the river out back.” He said. “Okay. Thanks.”

He backed out slowly with a small smile, probably still a little confused about what had happened to me when he woke me up, but I thought it would be best not to dwell on it. It wasn’t anything serious, I knew that. It was probably just an alarmed aftershock thanks to what had happened the night before. I looked back to the empty side of the bed, my fingers tracing where Harry had been, finding the ragged sheets cold. I questioned how long he had been gone. That was the first moment that it fully dawned on me what we’d done. “Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.” I panted, my face in my hands. I couldn’t quite grasp at what had gone on. It didn’t sit right in my mind. It felt like some weird dream, some weird state I had been in. No way it could have actually happened. I gripped my legs shut tight and looked out of the window, trying to calm my breathing. It had happened. And I had woken up alone. I got out of bed and began dressing myself as a way of not thinking about it, doing anything to distract me from my thoughts about what had happened and what it meant. I kept thinking back to the old me. Ah, the pure, sweet, innocent me that existed a week before. The me who didn’t even like Harry Styles. Strange, how rapidly things had changed. I put on an acceptable outfit for travelling, and then tiptoed downstairs. Suddenly, it was impossible for me to act casual around Ben and Kev, like I had done all week. I was convinced they knew. “Good morning.” Ben smiled, scrambling eggs. “Morning. Where’s Harold? Your son… Harold.” Kev had just experienced my peculiar wake up and now he was seeing that bizarre behaviour, too. He must have thought I was going completely insane. “Out the back.” He told me, for the second time. I grinned in an unusual manner before walking out into the extension, and then through a door I hadn’t used in my time there, the door into the garden. It was nice, quite small, sectioned off by tall hedges, similar to the ones at the front of the house. Harry was nowhere to be seen. Right at the back, I spotted a tall brown, wooden gate, nestled into the hedges. I figured that was the only way I could possibly go. I cautiously walked its way, feeling the cold weather on my skin, which wasn’t all surprising now it was the 10th of February. I was just glad it wasn’t snowing again. I gently pushed at the gate, and was greeted with a small gathering of green woodland. It was nice, secluded, tranquil. I certainly lost the feeling of being in a town back there, it was like I was lost in the countryside. A small slither of water painted its way through the greenery, and I spotted Harry sat watching it, deep in thought, unaware of my presence. I almost wanted to back off again, to leave him to it, but I figured if we were to ever make this so it wasn’t awkward like it was with Harry and Tally, I would have to approach him sooner rather than later, to make sure things were normal. Fuck…Tally! I didn’t want to, or like, keeping secrets from anyone, but if Tally was to find out what had happened between Harry and I, it would only upset her; nothing else would come from it. I didn’t want to lie to her, but it felt like the better thing to do given our situation. Instead of saying anything, I just moved and sat behind Harry. He caught on, turning his head a little to catch a glimpse of me, before looking back to the flowing stream. “Be weird…” He said from nowhere. “Going back.” “It will.” I agreed. Harry took a deep breath inward, maybe the cold was affecting him, or maybe he was just finding it hard to speak to me. Not even down to the obvious thing that had happened, but even how we had slept together. So close, so intimate. I kind of hated that we wouldn’t need to share a bed again that night. “You packed?” He asked, finally looking at me. “I was gunna do it after breakfast.” “No worries. Don’t rush, or anything.” “I never rush.” I smiled. “You are generally a slow person.” He chuckled under his breath. We stayed quiet for some time, just looking out at the water in front of us, peaceful. But, to my surprise, it wasn’t an awkward silence. It was regular, familiar. I felt no need to force conversation with him. He turned to face me again, looking me up and down as I continued to glare forwards and battle through the cool, thinking of how I didn’t really want to go back. “How you feeling?” He asked me. He tried to ask it casually, but the undertone to his question stood out more than anything else. But I loved that. I loved that Harry was concerned about what had happened the night before, how I was feeling about it, if I was okay with it. He could have tried time and time again to ask that question in a more casual manner, but it would have never worked. He knew that. It didn’t matter. I was glad to hear his voice speak such hidden concerns. “I’m feeling good.” I told him truthfully. “How are you feeling?” “Good... Yeah. I feel really good.” He grinned like a fool, so I did the same, watching him exhale one last time before he quickly got to his feet, offering me a hand, which of course, I took. + + + Saying goodbye to Kev and Ben had been rougher than I was hoping it would be. It came as no surprise that the goodbye wasn’t great. Hello, it’s me, Pippa Payne, of course the goodbye wasn’t great. No goodbye ever would be. But I certainly hadn’t wanted to get as worked up as I had. It had taken actual strength not to cry. Strength found from somewhere unknown, maybe because I didn’t want Kev to think I had genuinely gone insane, though it was likely I had. What reason did I really have to cry? I’m not sure. Maybe the week had been a big representation for me. The progress with Harry... Everything with Harry, really. The way I couldn’t ignore my entire time there had been a way to avoid my family, avoid what was happening. Maybe that was why I had gotten so worked up. And I knew there wasn’t any guarantee I would spend time with them again. We were in the car, this time opting to listen to Fleetwood Macs ‘Rumours’ album. We pulled onto the motorway, and I couldn’t quite believe we were heading back, that everything was going to go back to normal. Back to lectures. Back to Ed and Zayn and Tally and Mike and back to Thimble. I couldn’t quite make sense of it. “Can’t believe we have fucking lectures tomorrow.” Harry groaned. “I know. I can’t be bothered. You should be excited. Your whole course is going to be better now.” “I suppose. I just enjoyed having a lazy week. Don’t want to go back to that routine. I’m not mentally ready for it.” He shrugged. ”I’m not mentally or physically ready.” We were also stepping into the last stage of our first year, which meant a few exams and a lot of reading. It also meant the summer holidays were just round the corner, which meant I would definitely have to go home. Wherever that was. By that point, my mother would probably have her own house. Would I stay with her, or with my dad? Would Liam be home? It wasn’t even worth thinking about. “We’re gunna have to start looking at houses, too.” Harry sighed, skipping a track quickly, leading us to The Chain. “Zayn text me saying he’s already booked us in for a viewing on Wednesday.” “Seriously?” “Yeah. A three-bedroom house.” “Good lord. It’s like he was just waiting for us to be friends.” “I think he was.” Zayn had probably been brushing the thought of housing next year to one side when me and Harry weren’t friends, unsure what to do. Now we were friends, he was leaping on the chance, before it was too late. Besides, we did know a few people who already had their accommodation sorted. It was probably time, and it was a lot easier now that me and Harry were getting on. “I hope Tally’s not mad at me.” I sighed. “About what happened last night?” Harry shot. He had mentioned it, and that threw me. I gulped, hard. I wasn’t expecting him to have said anything about it, to be honest, I thought it would be something we would ignore. “Umm... No. About the living situation next year.” “Oh. Well, do you want to live with her?” “I love her to pieces, but I’d rather live with you and Zayn.” It was finally sinking in, the fact we were friends. It was finally reaching the stage where I didn’t feel weird admitting that, admitting that we now got on so well, that I would rather live with him than I would Tally, who I had been friends with since day one. Myself and Tally were friends in the way many girls are, because of similarities, because it was easy and simple. Yet there wasn’t any pull, nothing special, not really. I just felt like Tally hadn’t really found anyone special at uni, and that’s why I felt badly about it. “Speaking of which, I have something to say.” Harry began awkwardly. “About… what happened last night and... stuff.” “Okay.” I shuddered. I looked down to my trembling hands. I don’t know what I was expecting, really. Why I was so nervous. I just didn’t want him to be like he was with Tally. I didn’t want him to be a typical lad and take the piss, or feel like he had gained something from it. I didn’t want him to see my worth lessened thanks to it. “I just... Shit. I don’t... I don’t know.” He fumbled. “Okay...” I said again. “Do you regret it?” He kept trying to turn to me, but having to keep his eyes on the road made that difficult. “I don’t regret it.” ”Good. Good, because I don’t either. I fucking... I wanted to kiss you so much, Pip. I don’t want you to think I didn’t.” I was definitely blushing. 100% Even the fact he wasn’t calling me Pip-Squeak was making me swoon. I really didn’t want to be swooning, but there was no denying I was. I tried to force my mind back to the state where I couldn’t see how charming and lovely he was. I couldn’t. “Okay.” I said, once again. “I just... I really don’t want to fuck this up.” “Fuck what up?” I mumbled. “I don’t want us to be like I am with Tally. I don’t want us to... start anything and ruin our friendship. I mean, we live together. We’re going to live together next year. Probably the year after that. I think you’re great, Pippa, but I don’t want anything further than what we had before last night, y’know? I don’t regret what happened but... I just... I don’t think it should happen again.” I completely understood his point, and I agreed. We had to keep things simple. If things like that carried on, the only outcome would be someone getting hurt. Feelings getting hurt and people getting hurt and things getting more and more complicated. Looking at Harry made me blush and flutter and that needed to stop before it went too far. His feelings were at risk, as were mine, as were Tally’s. We couldn’t possibly carry this on, casual or not. It felt casual, to be honest. I couldn’t see many obvious signs that I had feelings for Harry, but something must have been going on that had made us so desperate for one another. Something was there, we both knew that. But we both wanted to ignore it. For the greater good. “I’m on the same page.” I told him. “Really?” “Yeah.” “Good. I’m glad. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, at all. I always end up… hurting peoples fucking feelings. I just... I cherish your friendship, which is fucking bizarre since a week ago I could barely stand you. But... yeah. I like us, like this. As friends. It’s good. I don’t want it to change.” I ignored the dropping feeling in my stomach, and nodded along happily, pretending not to feel like I was gutted, like we were missing an opportunity. The feeling wasn’t dominant, far from it. It was distant and dull, barely a spark. But the feeling was there. “I don’t think we should tell people either.” I added. “No?” “Tally would be upset, I think. And everyone else would read into it too much. Make it awkward. Make it a thing. There’s no point.” Harry nodded, thinking about what I had said and taking it in. I knew Harry would want to brag. Not that I thought I was anything special, but that’s just what boys do. He probably wanted to go back and tell the lads, get a high five, speak about what had happened and how easy I was, and all the rest. I liked Harry, but I knew what he was like. But what I had said rang true. It wasn’t worth the aftermath. “Okay. So we don’t tell anyone. It’s our little secret.” He breathed. “Our dirty little secret.” I said through a smile. “Very dirty.” He grinned, biting his lip. I swear to god, the car was fucking steaming up. It was atrocious. I took a sharp breath to the back of my throat and I looked out of the window, near ready to leap on him if it didn’t mean that he would crash the fucking car and end both of our lives. Harry shuffled in his seat, then cleared his throat. I watched out of the very corner of my eye as he rolled his shoulders, shaking his head. “And we definitely shouldn’t let it happen again.” He concluded. “Definitely.” “Just be a one-time thing. No strings attached. Just friends now.” “Sounds good.” I nodded. That, was basically, that. Nothing more to do. Nothing more to say. We were going to be back at uni, but with a friendship. A weird one, no doubt, but a friendship nonetheless. That was good enough for me. + + + As soon as we walked through the door to our flat, mid-giggle about something or other, Mike was stood in the doorway to the kitchen with his arms folded, like he knew we were coming, he was just waiting for us. “Well bend me over and fuck me sideways.” He said, both mine and Harry’s head bolting up to see him. “Look at you two.” “Hi, Mike!” I beamed, abandoning my bag and running to him. Seeing him then made me realise I was actually glad to be back, though I had felt differently that morning at Harry’s. I had missed Mike, I had missed everyone. I had missed my little single bed and the shared showers; the camping table Harry had bought. Everything I felt I could happily go without, had quickly become things I missed, things I hadn’t realised I was craving. It was almost like a sense of relief as I wrapped my arms tight around Mike and he lifted me from the floor in a tight hug, swinging me from side to side as my legs dangled, giggling loudly into his ear. “I missed you, Pippy Long-Stocking!” He cooed. “I missed you too!” “Harry get in here!” Mike called. “We can make a Pippa sandwich now that you’re friends. Come on!” Without much warning I felt another body come and press behind me as Harry wrapped his large arms around both me and Mike, my legs still dangling in the air as they both squished me as much as they could without hurting me. “You idiots are going to be so much worse now me and Harry are friends, aren’t you?” I struggled to speak. “Yup. It’s gunna be great.” Mike clucked. A part of me disagreed strongly with that, as I tried to escape being trapped between the two of them, but another part of me couldn’t wait. To finally live stress free, not hating anyone I lived with, just hating Louis. It was an unbelievable concept. “ALRIGHT, ENOUGH!” I yelled, kicking both of them hard, a leg each. I was dropped to the floor again, Mike pinching my cheek before he flaunted off into the kitchen, leaving me and Harry in the hallway alone. Suddenly, it felt weird us being alone together. In those rooms, in that hall, me and Harry had never been friends before. I usually would have been following Mike or retreating to my room just to get out of his company. It was weird doing anything other than that. “Either of you want a brew?” Mike shouted. “I’d love one.” Harry called back, turning to get his bag. “Pippa?” “Yes please!” I replied. I turned too, wandering blissfully down the hall to grab my things, smiling at Harry when I noticed he was looking at me. “This is weird.” He whispered. “I know!” I whispered back, bending down. I picked up my things and retrieved my key from the front of my bag, unlocking the door to my bedroom and letting myself in as Harry did the same by his door. I stepped into the familiar place, spotting a half drank cup of tea that had gone mouldy on the desk by my window, clothes still on the floor. I laughed at the thought of them showing people round my room in the hope of it looking appealing, because it really didn’t. Either way, appealing to others or not, it was appealing to me. I was glad to be home. After abandoning my things, I went into the kitchen, Mike ready and waiting by the heating kettle, three mugs out. “Are we the only ones who’re back?” I asked him, sitting down. “Nope. Me and Tally had a lecture today! Ringo is in her room, surprise surprise. And Tally is in her room, but she brought some boy back with her so she’s occupied.” “She brought a boy back?” “Yeah! Apparently, it’s some guy from home and now they’re going out or something. I don’t know. She either didn’t explain it very clearly or I wasn’t listening to her. Probably the latter. Definitely the latter.” Tally had a boyfriend. I felt relief wash over me. I had never planned on telling her about me and Harry, especially with it being a one-time thing, but I felt so much bloody better thinking about the fact that she was now, apparently, randomly, in a relationship. I had no idea where this boy had come from and why she suddenly had a boyfriend, but I was glad she did. My feelings of guilt lessened a dramatic amount automatically, just at the thought that maybe, if she did ever find out, it wouldn’t bother her that much. Harry came into the kitchen a few moments later, his hair scraped into that pathetic bun again, sticking his tongue out at me before he sat down next to me, flicking the tele on and extending his legs so his feet landed on top of the table, and he relaxed. “Eww, don’t put your smelly feet on the table, that’s where we eat!” I slapped his leg. “Well, Pip-Squeak, it’s technically my table. So, I think I’m okay to put my feet on it.” He scoffed right back. I tried to knock his feet off, catching Mike glance over his shoulder to see our little squabble, tutting and shaking his head. “So not much has changed between you two then, right?” He chuckled. “No. Harry’s still annoying.” “And Pippa is still a whiny bitch.” Harry concluded. I stuck my tongue out at him, my eyes gripped shut, and Harry pinched the flesh of my tongue between his finger and thumb, tugging on it gently, laughing away to himself as I dragged my head back from him, my muscle now feeling especially strange. “What are you doing?” I giggled, wiggling my tongue about. “I like your tongue, it’s quick.” He smirked. We had barely been in the building five minutes, and we were already flirting. It wasn’t even painfully obvious flirting, that was the worst part. Mike probably didn’t bat an eye, but all I could think about was Harry’s tongue meeting mine again, repeating what had happened the night before. ”Don’t!” I warned. “Behave.” His face dropped in the realisation of what we had spoken about on the drive over, how stupid it would be of us to carry on, how it could and would backfire if we did anything again. Somehow, flirting was natural for us now, but it really needed to stop. “Sorry.” He whispered back. “I didn’t think.” We both needed to start thinking again. And quick. + + + I sat in Ringo’s room as she played the violin for me. She had an exam at the end of the week, where she had to perform a piece, solo. Solo worked for Ringo, that much was obvious, but what didn’t sit well with her was the thought of going into an exam without any kind of backup, any kind of second opinion about how she was playing, if any part of it wasn’t quite up to scratch. All I could hear though, was the haunting notes that were circling her small room. It was stunning, whatever it was that she was playing. It was gentle but deep, unexciting but completely consuming and terrifying. I was baffled and in awe of what music could do, at the same time as being ridiculously jealous that the way her fingers moved on those strings wasn’t a talent I possessed myself. As she finished, I took a deep breath in, unable to avoid her pleading eyes as she waited for a response. “Okay,” I coughed. “I’m no musician, but that was really good. I nearly cried, when it peaked, if that makes sense.” “Yeah. Yeah, I know which bit you’re talking about.” She said, her toes curling. “My friend Ed is into his music, he’d probably be able to give you better feedback than I ever could, if you’re comfortable with that.” “Is he nice?” She asked worriedly. “Nicest guy you’ll ever meet.” “Okay. Yeah. That would be good.” Ringo was one of the cutest people I had ever met in my life, but in a tragic way. She was so drawn in on herself, so shy, you could almost see it ache her every time she spoke. There had to be a very serious reason behind why she was that way; it became clearer the more I saw of her, because she was okay to spend time with me, but she still struggled to speak and be natural around me. I thought about Harry, never really speaking about his mother, and I thought maybe our week together had helped that. Maybe Ringo needed someone to speak with, too. “I can leave now, if you want.” I smiled. “No. It’s nice, having company.” “You seem to struggle with it.” I spoke calmly, trepidation dripping my tone. “Near impossible.” She breathed a hurt chuckle. “Took all my might to come to uni. I live hours away or else I’d commute and live at home.” “Do you know why?” I asked, hoping I wasn’t pushing my luck. “The doctors say I have a very intense type of anxiety. They also say it’s something that can be improved within myself, but I really struggle to take those steps. Feels good... talking to you. I feel like I’ve taken one step, at least.” In a way, I felt honoured that it was me she felt comfortable with, that it was me who was helping her take those steps. I couldn’t see any reason why it was me, no obvious one anyway, but it still felt nice. That night that Harry backed me up against her door in a rage, might not have been great for me, but it was good for Ringo, and I figured, that was more important. “Good. That’s good. I’m glad I’m… helping.” I shrugged happily. “Is there anything else I can do?” “Not really.” She shrugged back. “I think I just need to try when I’m comfortable, y’know? I’m comfortable-ish, with you now. So that’s good enough.” “It’s amazing. You should be proud.” I gulped heavily before I asked the next question I had for her. “Do you know why... If there’s any reason you’re like this?” “I think maybe... my mum and dad. They’re great, don’t get me wrong, but... I never saw them with friends. When I was little, we never went on holiday or anything, they never had people over or just went to the pub or anything. I’m an only child so... I dunno. Just struggle with that kind of thing. They just used to sit and listen to music and... that was it, really.” I wondered if Ringo only really felt comfortable behind an instrument, where she didn’t have to say anything, but she was still speaking a language, one understood by all people, no matter where they were from or how they were raised. Anyone could appreciate the beauty of her playing that violin, appreciate her, and she didn’t have to say a thing. “Is Ringo your real name?” I asked. “Yeah.” She scoffed. “Because of Ringo Starr?” “Yeah! I don’t even like the fucking Beatles. Can you believe that?” I burst out laughing and fell back on her bed, kicking my little legs. In a way, I felt bad, laughing at her name like that, but the fact she didn’t like The Beatles was just so funny to me, and I could tell it was funny to her too. She sat giggling on the stool in front of me, shaking her head, seeming more at ease than I had ever seen her before. “I’m sorry.” I laughed breathlessly. “It is pretty funny.” She shrugged. “How was your week off?” “Um... Weird.” I calmed, worried about telling her. “I ended up at Harry’s.” “What?” “I know.” “He’s an abusive arsehole!” Hearing that language from come from Ringo made my eyes wide and I almost burst out laughing again, because it was so out of character for her. She was moving up in leaps and bounds, and she didn’t even know it yet. “It’s complicated.” I told her. “So, there’s a good reason why he backed you up against the door by your throat?” She whelped sarcastically. “Yeah, believe it or not.” “I don’t believe it.” ”Well you would if you heard his reason.” She narrowed her eyes at me, and then it was almost like she started blushing, caving back into herself just slightly before she asked. “Did you have sex with him?” “What? NO!” “You totally had sex with him!” “Ringo, shh!” “You wouldn’t want me to shush if you hadn’t.” “I didn’t have fucking sex with him!” I seethed, as quietly as I could. “He told me why what happened that night, happened, and it’s a good reason, okay? Not my place to repeat, either. So can we drop it?” Snapping at her felt like kicking a puppy. She was so quiet and gentle, it felt wrong, but I couldn’t help myself. Not only did I feel a solid need, to keep hidden the events of the evening before, but I also now felt a need to protect Harry. “Fine, I’m sorry.” She gulped. “I just think you should be careful around people like him. Someone who’s capable of doing that.” I wish she could see Harry the way I saw him, have heard his story and be able to embrace him in the way I had. Because even after everything, after seeing Harry fight, take drugs, feel his arm against my throat, I could still see Harry for how fragile he really was. He was as delicate as a butterfly. + + + I lay on my bed, trying to cram in the reading I should have been doing all week into one night. It was dark and bitterly cold outside. I kept my curtains open and watched rain slither down my window, my lamp on, a cup of tea on the floor beside me, a book in my hand and Fleet Foxes playing quietly in the background. Even though I was doing work, I was in very high spirits. I felt very grateful that we hadn’t decided to go out, because it could have definitely been an option, knowing the lot of us and with it being our first night back, but it seemed a week of doing nothing had worn us all out, and we needed one evening to get back into the routine of getting drunk more often than not. The more sleep before my first lecture, the better. Besides, the sooner I got to sleep, the sooner I would see Zayn, and on that blustery Monday evening, that was my main priority. I ignored my phone as it rang, thinking whoever was calling would have to just wait, I was finally getting a little work done and I didn’t want to put it on hold. But when it rang automatically after the first failure, I felt like I should at least check who it was. I was glad I did. “Liam!” I gasped as I answered. “Holy shit! I’m sorry! How are you?” “Confused.” He gulped loudly. “I’m stood in Manchester airport, and all the signs are in British, and like… that is just the weirdest thing to me.” “You’re in Manchester?” “I am.” “Holy shit.” It had been actual years since me and Liam were in the same country together, and I felt this new kind of bond with him. Our bond had always been strong, more so after he left, but having him feel so close to me was new and equivocal. “Just thought I should let you know.” He smiled, the ruffle suggesting he was on the move. “I’m going to see mum and help her move some stuff out.” It must have been worse for Liam, in some ways. Liam had only known our parents to be happy, when he left all those years ago, he couldn’t have imagined to come back to this, to them on the brink of a divorce. At least for me, I had seen them just a few weeks before, smiling, seemingly happy. Liam left wanting to come back to the same thing, but couldn’t. Leaving a family whole and coming back to a broken one must have been excruciating. “Is she okay?” I asked. “You haven’t spoke to her?” “Not really. I’ve just needed… some room to breathe. I feel awful about it.” “Don’t. I’m sure she understands. But she’s doing alright. Dad won’t answer my calls.” I was very angry with my father, and that anger hadn’t had a vent. I hadn’t seen him or spoke to him, I’d barely thought of him. I wondered why that anger hadn’t exploded out of me yet. It was bound to be close. “That’s rude.” I huffed. “He hasn’t seen you for years and he won’t even speak to you? He’s pathetic.” “We’re all dealing with this in different ways, Pip. Dad probably knows we’re angry and upset, and he’s probably not in the best shape either. He won’t need you screaming at him! I think we all just need our time.” Liam had a good head on his shoulders. I personally wouldn’t know if traveling like he had would make such a thing worse, or better. He never really had a full-time job, or any real responsibilities. But he had looked after himself and done everything on his own for years. It seemed to have done him well. “I guess.” I put my book down. “So, look, I kind of get that your way of dealing with this is to avoid it-” “More like my way of not dealing with it.” I grunted about myself. “No, your way of dealing with it, is to not get involved. So I thought, maybe in a couple of weeks when I’m settled, I’ll come and see you?” “Serious?” “Yeah!” “What’s your plan? With your... y’know... life?” I tried to make the dense question as light as I could. “I’m gunna look for a job, hopefully get one with dad, if he’ll speak to me. Then I can start renting somewhere and... I dunno. Figure everything out from there.” I still couldn’t tell if Liam wanted to be home or not. He wasn’t giving anything away. I didn’t want to bring it up in case he was painfully sad about it. I always figured he had to come home at some point, but I had never really believed it. “I think mum really appreciates you doing this.” I mumbled. “It’s all good.” He spoke, nonchalant. “Look, I better make a move. But yeah, I might come for your birthday or something. We’ll see, alright?” “Sounds great.” “Night, Pip!” “Night, Liam. Good to have you home!” + + + I awoke with a book on my face, my nose brushing against some shoddy piece of poetry written by someone I couldn’t care less about, and my hand in a packet of crisps. I heard my name being called, just slightly. My eyes flickered open as I moved my greasy fingers, wiping them on the sheet before moving the book off my face and turning around to my door, my eyes still blurred, but easily being able to make out Harry’s frame. “Mornin’.” I practically sleep-talked. “Evenin’.” He replied with a grin. “It’s not even ten.” “Then why on earth are you waking me up, you fool?” I groaned, flopping back down. He came and sat on my bed beside me as I flopped my arm over my eyes, close to falling back to sleep again, but nudging to the side a little to give him more than enough room. “Feel like I haven’t seen much of you today.” He sighed. “I’m weening myself off you.” I flipped over to face away from him, towards the wall. “Had enough of you this week.” Without saying anything, and with barely any noise, Harry lay down on my bed and tucked himself into me, wrapping his arms tight around my waist. Like a second nature, I held his arms even tighter to me by tucking them under my own, relaxing completely, until I felt his hot breath on the back of my neck. “Pip-” “What are you doing?” I interrupted. “Cuddling.” “Playing with fire.” I informed him. Denying I liked the heat of that fire, was not something I could do when I was still half dazed and woozy, seconds away from being dragged back into sleep. “I don’t really want to be alone.” He whispered to me. He had to be this close to me. In his bed at home we had room, most nights we had slept apart, barely touching. But now he had to be close to me, in that single bed, he had no other options. But I wasn’t really complaining. I wanted to. I wanted to be kicking him off the bed, but I had never felt as close to anyone as I did to him the night before. I would have been lying if I said I wasn’t craving to feel that intimacy once more. “Okay.” I mulled back. “But this is the last time.” “Apart from maybe if we’re drunk.” “Not even then.” I smiled, he held me tighter. “We’ll see.” We stayed quiet for a while, and it became apparent that sleep wasn’t quite as close as I thought it was. Or maybe it was just because he was there, maybe because I just wanted to lap up a little more time where I was totally aware I was in his arms before I drifted off. “Why are you here?” I asked him hesitantly. My stomach turned as one of his hands landed on top of it. He took a deep breath in, worried to give me his real answer, but it didn’t stop him. “Because I want to be.” I wanted him to be there too. I was just used to him. Falling asleep alone and waking up alone was dreadful. I figured I was still upset about Louis, that was why it felt nice having him close to me, having someone there. We had become accustom to it and it was nice. It was better than being alone, anyway. One more night spent like that, couldn’t hurt. That time round, we didn’t kiss. There were no wandering hands or even wandering thoughts. It was just me and him, slumbering sweetly together. It was nicer than it should have been.

#BACK TO LIFE #BACK TO REALITY #lemme know your thoughts #BB20 #1dff #Harry Styles

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brokenhayatim · 3 years

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two mins forty-three seconds

it’s been so long since i’ve written. i don’t think any of this will make sense.. also my hands are shaking so it’s taking me longer to type.

you ever know something is wrong with you? and like it’s so familiar and you just think ‘it’s happening again’. i’ve felt like that for long but i’ve been managing it pretty well. in the last month or so though, i felt it shift into deeper waters and it’s not like anything in my life has drastically changed like moving back here was. but i just notice my reluctance to start the day, my difficulty to concentrate during it, the nighttime routine of ‘i failed today yes i’m a disappointment’. it’s odd...i feel like i have no control. someone else has taken the clock and is dragging the minute hand to just speed up every second and i can’t think. my thoughts race every second even if im sitting down and next thing i know it’s three hours later and i hate it. i started up running to help my surgery recovery process and even that doesn’t feel like control. this looming surgery date is good and bad. it’s giving me a lot of free time..that i don’t need. i constantly feel like i should be doing something even though i don’t really have a task to take my mind off anything anymore like job searching. it’s almost made me feel useless like i’m a sitting duck. and then i have so much anxiety about my capability to re-enter the job market being out this long, especially after the surgery recovery. i don’t feel like i’m even average anymore like im the bottom of the barrel in terms of skills so i keep trying to stay with them, doing small projects, but it’s not enough.

anyways. i’ve thought about seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist when i first came here, as my prev ones recommended, but with the pandemic i pushed it off and it’s so intimidating trying to find one, now that i’m not given about 6 options like at uni, i’m just supposed to find one now and try 20 questions to see if they’re actually right?? the thought of going through the awkwardness and distance of zoom appointments too, i felt uncomfortable with it even when i knew and liked my doctors. so, i felt like if i told myself i could do it on my own, i could do it on my own. but everyday i have this nagging feeling that i’m just putting pretty icing on a moldy cake, so i deny and avoid that with social media distractions, of course. i have this overall sense of just feeling like shit and the only thing keeping me afloat in the days are people not even around me, people in my phone, especially moments with noor. often, i think of just shutting off my wifi or my phone and ghosting, but it isn’t even fair to them to do that and it never was - without at least forewarning. because tables turned, i worry like hell on top of missing you. so i woke up today feeling at the cusp of a break and was going to send noor a text about it and to just let her know. and although a big part of me wants to just disappear, the other part so attached to people now doesn’t and knows it wouldn’t do me any good but let me wallow in misery (she’s got the self-realization now yall) and what would that help? especially now being at home where i can’t stay in my room for a week and come out like a crab just to eat (just kidding, i do that anyways). i think the gravity of how much i’ve been avoiding and denying that i need to do something was brought to light last when i mentioned to my sister, after i kneeled down for something in pain, that i can’t actually sit on my legs like i can sit 90 degrees only but anything lower and my thighs experience so much pain it’s like my body is screaming not to go lower. i haven’t done the tashahhud position in salah properly for months and i don’t want to sit in a chair because i feel like that’s cheating like i can move just not that position. my neurologist gave meds - which i took for a while but kept forgetting to establish a routine & my dad said i didn’t need them so i questioned it more - and a physical therapy prescription and i’ve done nothing with it. partly due to covid but i also just feel like a burden, that something is actually wrong again. i dont know...as if my brain should be the only thing everyone needs to worry about now. but my parents were talking about how i might need physical therapy after surgery and how they might bring someone in and something about it just makes my skin cold. i don’t think it’s necessarily fully my disdain of depending on someone for my needs but i just have this vision of struggling and having everyone know it. like i won’t be able to do it in private anymore, it’ll all be out for someone to watch and they’ll want to do something to help and they can’t. that goes with any of my surgery recovery - especially the pain and discomfort. okay, i’m getting away from my point now...

i went to sleep quite early last night because of my mood and probably because i slept at 6 am the night before. but i woke up today and was like i feel like shit and this is definitely depression that i’ve had. so i took my phone and searched “psychology before after surgery” (got the point across ok) and god, the results. i don’t know what i was expecting.

“Why Aren’t We Talking About Postoperative Depression?

Depression can occur after even a minor surgery. But doctors have noticed that people who have the following procedures often have depression afterwards: Heart surgery, especially coronary artery bypass graft Plastic surgery Gastric bypass surgery Brain surgery...

The most significant risk factor for postoperative depression is pre surgical depression or anxiety. In fact, anyone with a history of mental illness is at greater risk for postoperative depression.

Possible Causes of Postsurgical Depression: Postsurgical pain Surgical results don't match expectations Problems with anesthesia (i’m using steroids but) A biological process Increased dependence on other people

Disappointment in one’s own body and health can also factor into postoperative depression. People like to see themselves as strong and healthy.”

you get it. immediately, i felt two things: frustration at not even guessing this would be a thing and fear. fear, because i have had thoughts of most of these causes being an issue for me before i even read this. fear, that all the trying i’m doing now to be okay won’t be enough and i genuinely will see my worst days. fear, that i won’t make it. fear, that i’m not strong enough to overcome this if i’m struggling with it badly right now. fear, that i’m not strong enough to recover like i want to. fear, that i made a mistake in choosing to do the surgery being careless enough to not consider this. so much fear my body crumbled under the weight.��

of course, it’s treatable. so where does this leave me right now? congratulations! now you’re caught up on why i opened this document and decided to type. based upon reading about my avoidance to fix my issues with the right methods, i think we can guess the solution here. oh look! it’s writing itself into the cloudy sky.

xoxo big brain girl (just not mentally)

done crying now so time to start my day yayy!

#asiya's thoughts #yikes #do i read this for typos

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