#I knew my friends were going and were staying overnight and someone in my facebook group was selling tickets last minute and was like 👀👀👀

[leverage-ot3]

hozier starting to sing take me to church and then unfurling a pride flag healed something in me actually

if you listen closely you can hear me yell ‘oh my god’ when he does it

#(don’t listen too closely though I’m a bad singer lol) #I tried to post this Sunday night but it didn’t go through #I had no idea he was going to do it I almost cried #not leverage #hozier #slept at our airbnb for like 4 hours #woke up for an hour until Cumbies would be open so I could get breakfast (5am) #and then drove over 2.5 hours to get back home in time to get prepared for work #I ended up teaching my two hour group and then working till twelve and taking the rest of the day off #I forgot my meds so I slept ten hours until 10 at night 💀 #worth it #seeing him was a spiritual experience fr #and this was like SO spontaneous. like I cannot express enough how much I didn’t plan for this #also I literally got my tickets saturday when the show was sunday. thank u stubhub ur a true mvp #I knew my friends were going and were staying overnight and someone in my facebook group was selling tickets last minute and was like 👀👀👀 #I’m not gonna go into how she decided to sell to someone else later that day when I had already made plans and made me cry but whatever #it worked out in the end

[violetsystems]

#personal

As promised, I'm a little more rested. The holidays for me were mostly quiet. I saw both my mom and my dad. I spent this week returning and exchanging a gift for my dad's wife. I was adventurous enough this year to buy her a jacket which ran small. Asics doesn't have exchanges so it was a multiple package affair at fed ex. Which in turn, fed ex doesn't really have sympathy other than mailing back a package that wasn't properly prepared for drop off. I got it there by Thursday overnight and my dad sent me back a photo of her enjoying the new size athletic puffer. And that was that as they say. There were other things that weren't so rosy. My heat went off on New Year's Eve or something. The landlord fixed it. But there's always this ambiguity and bad feeling hanging over my life for it not to be intentional or have some hidden reason. I got the new year's bug to be a little more productive by posting my discography on YouTube. I had always wanted to do it. Must not have had everything out of the way to think about it. My real point was to try to generate income or at least try to prove somebody other than the bogeyman is standing in the way of it. It just seems to bring up new people to question your existence on the internet. And I've blocked some people for being nosy. People trying to talk to me through the dash that I don't trust. You get a feeling sometimes and I act on that when I don't feel comfortable. That''s part of putting yourself out there I guess. I logged in to reactivate my Facebook only to find a suspicious message from someone I literally haven't talked to for years. Offering a cybersecurity job and sounding more like entrapment or fraud. The context of why I would get angry enough to contact a lawyer? I've been applying for jobs this entire time. I've only had one real solid lead with a hair company in China. Which is to say if you can do that? You probably shouldn't rely on a lead from your first girlfriend who had a lot of problems and was a trilogy of relationships that held me back in life. Definitely don't want to be held back now. There's a lot of things I don't want to go on record about her and her husband on a blog. But if you trust me? You'd know that the situation was done in shame and intimidation and not out of care. I haven't talked to anybody since maybe thanksgiving other than Tumblr or my family. My friends who claimed they knew me vanished. Nobody reached out. When I posted on Facebook it's like this silent wall. Which is why you'd have to trust me after all this writing that it was more than suspicious. It was abusive. And even more so if you know what these people are part of historically.

I think I'm starting to learn I'm not at all sensitive as a result to intimidation. But it has gotten out of control enough to cry uncle. And largely, the response back seems to be this silent nudge of being a big enough boy to handle my own problems. The job market is a little scary to me. It's like people know I'm on a knife edge and am creative with my finances. But this is at the expense of my health without insurance or any real protections as a business or person. I can't hear back from a lawyer let alone a sushi restaurant. And I'm supposed to drink the koolaid and trust that the sun is going to shine. When it comes to intimate relationships yes I fully believe in that. When it comes to feeding my cat the right food to stay healthy I'm all in. But when it comes to people who don't have a really good track record for treating me right? That's a big fucking no. And that's my self respect talking. It doesn't surprise me that I connect with the people I care about in the way I do. It's not easy to read or gauge and that's the point. Love can't be demanding all the time unless it's warranted. And even when it is and I give it freely? There's no fear of missing out. There's no anger at being used. There's no feeling of misunderstanding. Just a patience and a knowing that somewhere somebody is thinking about me sweetly. I like that. The rest of this shit is just pots an pans clanging in the background for me. And I live in a city with thin walls. I got detained in Gold Coast Australia in 2015 on a tour I set up myself without a lawyer. I'm still here. That doesn't make the things that happened to me right. It doesn't even make it wrong for writing about them. Because these failures in protecting me fell on myself. And I'm sure it's easy enough to prove I can do the same for people I love. I do that by being there when you need me. And what's the secret cap? It's that I need you all the time. For inspiration a lot of the time. It does suck to be alone and live in whatever it is I'm going through. But when I shut the door and clear the air, my feelings haven't really changed from the core of what I dream and write about. It's just way too complicated to explain beyond what I catch up on in a journal. I have never been so sure of myself in awhile. But the frustration that every intelligent thing you try to do to fix a situation fails because it isn't part of some broader unknown agenda is crazy. And yet that is the world right now. A large portion of it has been locked away from a pandemic without the ability to see the real picture. And I'm sure it will come into focus eventually.

Preferably before I run out of money. That's honestly the weirdest lesson in all of this. What it takes to really live on a daily basis. How people with cars, gas, student loans, or whatever other extra bills afford staying alive is crazy to me. Let alone those people who don't live two blocks from a Costco. People out here always make me feel like I'm the bad guy or the bum while they give handouts to the real ones shooting heroin in our alley. There's a lot of that contradiction going on. Some of them you don't want to get involved in the argument because it's rigged. Like the migrant bussing crisis. It's like one big crisis act between politicians to game the government out of funding while galvanizing public opinion. I agree that a lot of social safety nets for me fell through. So many at this point. I just looked at a grant I don't qualify for because I'm not in a lease. The silver lining is that I have a landlord I've learned to be a better tenant with. And I get the innocuous thumbs up as a result. I also get a lot of disgruntled neighbors wanting to stalk me in the streets to organize about something other than my immediate problems. I handle it all the same. Like when I take a long walk and think about you. And I really deep down understand it will be ok. But it scares me to think that people aren't really there emotionally these days. There's no attention to detail. And it gets fuzzier when you are dealing with people who aren't in control of their lives as much as you strive to be. I still don't drink. It's not good for me staying alive and healthy. It's also not cheap. I wouldn't be living within my means with it. And there's a lot of things I can't really do without my income being steady. Let's just forget what I'm worth. I'm in this weird spot in life where I'm too talented not to fluster someone positively or negatively. So people would rather play jealous and wreck my chances at anything rather than say I made it on my own. Which is why I stay home on a Friday night and read in a comfy chair and take care of my cat. And even though there's no texts or emails, when I respond in kind on here, you know I care. I may not know much more than that. But you know I love you just the same. <3 Tim

[relenafanel]

Dicks (in every definition): a fake-relationship AU

Geralt/Jaskier

Find it on Ao3:  Dicks (in every definition) by relenafanel

FOR THE MODERN AU CHALLENGE. WEEK 1: Fake-Relationships

Tag: witcherauseptember

________

“I can’t believe anyone could be such an unmitigated puss-filled dick,” Essi said, staring at her phone in disbelief. Jaskier groaned and let his head thunk on the bar.

“I can.” His sticky forehead was the least disgusting part of the evening.  He'd just come out to forget his ex, and maybe celebrate being free a little (as fucked up as that was) and quite frankly felt attacked by his social media.

“If I believed it from anyone it would be that narcissist,” she conceded, biting on her lip.

“I know,” Jaskier agreed. “That’s the worst part. I feel like it’s my fault being blindsided by this, as though I should have known something was going to happen today.”

Essi snorted. “It’s not your fault your ex is the worst.”

“No, but I was with him for almost 3 years. I don’t know. That’s my fault.”

“Don’t be stupid,” she said. “Look at this desperate fucker. Do you actually think he’s winning? He might be in a new relationship but the look of this guy makes my vagina want to shrivel up and die.”

Jaskier took her phone from her and looked again. Yeah. Yikes. Valdo was definitely scraping the bottom of the barrel with that one. Jaskier hadn’t even tried to join any dating sites post-breakup, but he was pretty sure there were better options. It wasn’t even the guy’s looks so much as he just screamed skeevy douchebag. It was making Jaskier’s metaphorical vagina also want to die.

“You need to get drunk. Maybe laid.”

“No,” Jaskier said, an idea starting to form as he looked at the relationship status change. “No. I need to match pettiness with pettiness. I need to find someone so hot that I’d have trouble getting him - let alone Valdo with his sad, small dick - and make sure to post a picture on Facebook.”

“Would that make you feel better?”

Jaskier smiled with teeth. “I think it would.”

***

It was their third bar of the evening and Essi was definitely sick of the manhunt. She probably hadn’t realized that when Jaskier was judging men fully objectively and not looking for matching personalities (relationship goals) or a willing body (one night stand goals) he had incredibly discerning tastes.

Probably too discerning.

“How about him?” Essi asked, barely looking up from her phone. She gestured to a guy sitting at the bar trying to make eye contact with a woman across the room.

“Ehh,” Jaskier said. “Sweater vest.”

Essi rolled her eyes. “But cute.”

“I’m not looking for cute. I’m looking for eye-searing hot.”

“I’m having trouble remembering how you’ve ever been in any relationships with these unrealistic expectations.”

“Valdo thought I was hot.” Jaskier thought about that for a moment. “Did I stay with someone for three years out of flattery?”

“Probably. Fuck. Get therapy.”

“I am.”

“You’re going to be working on tonight for a while.”

Fucking true. “Oh god, we just saw Valdo’s taste in men. Tell me true… am I ugly.”

“You’re spiraling.”

“That’s not an answer!”

“You’re spiraling!”

“Yes,” Jaskier agreed, pulling at his hair. “I’m so aware.”

“Based on the guy in his status update I’m going to guess you’re the hottest guy he could get.”

“You’re a good friend.” Jaskier pressed his head against her shoulder.

Then, a table opened up across the room, revealing the man sitting on the other side of it. “Holy shit.”

Essi looked up. Then she looked up. “Wow.”

“I hope he’s into men,” Jaskier said. “Or at least willing to play along with pretending to be for long enough for you to get a picture.”

“You’re going to walk up to that?” Essi asked. “You have more balls than brains.”

That was probably true.

***

“Hi, I’m Jaskier,” he opened with, dropping into the seat across from the gorgeous man. Up close he was even more startlingly pretty, with a chin dimple that highlighted his strong jaw and drew attention to his mouth. “And my boyfriend broke up with me two months ago, only to post his new relationship on Facebook today. Our three year anniversary. It’s the dickest of moves, right?”

The man hummed in agreement, but otherwise didn’t stop frowning in Jaskier’s general direction. Like someone waiting for him to get to the point. Jaskier saw that frown often.

“The reason for the oversharing is that I just forced my best friend to follow me to three different bars to find someone so phenomenally hot for me to spend time with and get picture proof, and here you are. I’d do jazz hands but you don’t seem like someone who responds well to jazz hands.”

“What are jazz hands?”

Whoa.

What a voice. What a sexy, sexy voice. Jaskier knew what he was talking about. He was a connoisseur of voices.

Jaskier wiggled his fingers at him. Tada! “Jazz hands.”

“Huh.” The man took a drink of his beer. “You want to use me as a revenge plot?”

“Exactly. Can I buy you a drink?”

The man gestured to his mostly full beer. “I’m not drinking to get drunk tonight.”

That was only a no to the beer. “Nachos or some other foodstuff?”

The guy seemed possibly interested in food.  

“Fine,” he agreed.  

****

Facebook: Julian Alfred Pankratz is in a relationship with Geralt of Rivia.

“Who’s Julian Pankratz?” Geralt muttered, staring at his phone.

“What?” Jaskier groaned, coming out a shitty sleep to a few realizations:

He’d gone home with the hottest guy on earth, which he should be pleased about, AND WAS PLEASED ABOUT

He might throw up

He’d done something last night. Something he’d said “that’s up for tomorrow Jaskier to sort out” because his drunk self was apparently a fucking masochist, and now Jaskier wasn’t really sure what that was.

Only Geralt was still scowling at his phone and seemed to know his real name.

So.

“Fuck,” Jaskier groaned. His mouth tasted like nachos and the regret of doing shots too late in life. He was 28 years old, not dead, but his hangover didn’t seem to know that.  “We didn’t get married , did we?”

“...”

Jaskier risked the light filtering in through the edges of the blinds to look at Geralt. His hair was beyond mussed - Jaskier didn’t know hair could get that tangled overnight. He was still frowning at his phone.

“I’ve been calling you Jaskier.”

“I go by Jaskier,” he promised. He was too busy having his own crises to deal with Geralt’s! For fucksakes. “Now, back to the marriage thing??”

“No.”

Phew. That was probably on him. He wasn’t sure people could actually get fake married overnight. Legally. He’d seen a lot of movies, though.

Ok. Next problem.  “I might throw up.”

Geralt turned his head slowly to look at him. Yikes. Too much beautiful-man-face in his face for this early in the morning.

“It’s eleven,” Geralt told him in the dry tone that told Jaskier he’d said that all outloud.

“Eleven after getting to bed at what? Five? Eugh, boo. Do you have any food?”

***

Geralt did have food.

Well, Geralt had protein bars and electrolytes, which was basically the same thing. Jaskier could always fall on top of a burger on his way home if he had to.  He’d finally looked at his phone by the time he was halfway through his breakfast.

107 new notifications.

What the fuck?

Julian Alfred Pankratz is in a relationship with Geralt of Rivia

Geralt and I were going to wait until announcing this wasn’t an asshole move, but now that it doesn’t really matter, I just wanted everyone to know that I’m doing GREAT.

Attached to it was the picture of the two of them together that Essi had taken with the caption of “I wouldn’t feel too sorry for Jaskier tonight”

His drunk self had a lot to answer for. No wonder Geralt had been scowling at his phone.

“I can’t believe I went Facebook Official with someone I haven’t even had sex with yet,” Jaskier mourned. “What is it, 2007?”

***

It took Jaskier almost the full day to recover enough to actually look through his comments on Facebook. By the time he had, they’d almost doubled and he’d made the mistake of clicking into Instagram to find one of those quintessential happy-relationship-our-feet-are-cute-together bullshit pictures. He had a different following on Instagram, mostly using it for pictures of himself singing.

Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. This wasn’t a contained problem, if you could call their mutual friends and families on Facebook that had been gathering in the wings for 15 years a contained problem . Fucking Facebook. Jaskier friended people he’d met once. He had a database of acquaintances. It was great for - you know - being a musician looking for gigs. He’d done 15 weddings in the last year.

It was pretty shitty when he’d faked having a boyfriend so people wouldn’t feel bad for him.

But, as he read through the comments and realized that some of them weren’t for him, he realized that maybe he wasn’t the one with the biggest problem.

Jaskier: Did you just come out?

Jaskier: Are you EVEN INTO MEN?

Jaskier: I REMEMBER YOU THINKING THIS WAS FUNNY AND AGREEING TO IT

Jaskier: BUT

Jaskier: I REGRET COMMITTING TO CAPS SO SOON BECAUSE I MEAN THIS IN CAPS AND BOLDED

Jaskier: WHOEVER LAMBERT IS JUST CONGRATULATED YOU ON FINALLY GETTING DICKED DOWN BECAUSE IT MIGHT MAKE YOU LESS GRUMPY

Geralt: I see you’ve read the comments

Geralt: my brother

Jaskier: YOUR BROTHER?!

Geralt: bold and caps?

Jaskier: and italics what the fuck. Why’d you let me do this?

Jaskier: wait.

Jaskier: WAIT

Geralt: there it is

Jaskier: this was your idea

Jaskier: did you use me to tell everyone you know that you’re gay or bi or whatever you identify as?

Jaskier: what a brilliant opportunity last night was for both of us

Geralt: you went back to sleep and didn’t process any of this yet, didn’t you?

Jaskier had been seen with that, fuck. He made a face at his phone even though Geralt couldn't see it.

A few moments later a response to Lambert popped up from Geralt himself.

@Lambert who says I haven’t been getting dicked down this entire time you heteronormative asshole

Followed by someone named Yennefer posting a picture of a strap on.

Who were these people? Could you love someone based on how their friends reacted to their ill-advised fake-relationship status change? Asking for a friend.

Geralt: for context, that’s my ex-wife

Geralt: we’re ok

Geralt: especially when she’s helping me fuck with my brother

***

Jaskier was debating the merits of asking Geralt if he wanted to come up with a break-up plan or just date when another comment showed up.

Vesemir left a comment:

You’ll bring him to brunch tomorrow?

Geralt left a comment:

We’ll be there

Vesemir left a comment:

Leave the frightening device at home

Geralt left a comment:

He doesn’t need it

This was followed by a string of variations of LOL and OH SHITs from about 7 different people. Jaskier watched it all unfold feeling like he’d stepped into the middle of something he didn’t understand - yet. He was definitely in trouble, if the way his heart rate increased at Geralt’s he doesn’t need it was any indication. It wasn’t even the dick reference, though that was amazing. It was the snappy, quick response. The underlying sarcasm.

Jaskier had a type. He could end a fake relationship that was based on seeing a searing hot guy across a room, but it was a bit harder when the guy had a personality he liked. If Geralt turned out to have a heart of gold, Jaskier was screwed and would probably be proposing marriage by year’s end.

Yeah, we’ll be there , he commented.

Geralt: my dad

Geralt: thanks

Jaskier: no problem

Jaskier : gonna call

“So I’m thinking,” Jaskier said the moment Geralt’s face showed up on the video call. He was squinting at his phone like no one had ever tried to video call him before.

“Hi,” Geralt replied, looking amused.

“I’ve been debating the merits of planning a breakup for our fake relationship or just… dating? I’m thinking maybe we should date? Do you have input?”

“Dating’s fine.”

“But do you… are you even attracted to me? Would you pick me?”

Oh fuck, what was that?! Something new to bring up in therapy.

Geralt tilted his head.  “You don’t know this about me yet, but I’m capable of saying no. Overly capable, some of my family might tell you.”

“So you’re not saying no?”

“I’m pretty confident I said yes instead.”

***

“As Jaskier’s best friend and the only witness,” Essi said into the microphone, holding up a glass of champagne to salute the two of them. “Our happy couple gave me full permission to tell the story of what happened the night Geralt and Jaskier met. Like Jaskier himself, the story is partially an embarrassing tale of bad decisions, half-cocked plans, and a lot of heart.”

Jaskier grinned, and nudged his shoulder into Geralt’s.

“And,” Essi continued with glee, “dicks in every definition.”

#geralt of rivia #jaskier #witcherauseptember #the witcher #fanfiction: drabble #fake relationship

[tundrainafrica]

Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (4/17)

Summary:  “Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn’t exist. Everything is a choice.” At that moment, Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him.“

Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn’t.

Note: Feedback is very much appreciated!

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

Link to cross-postings: AO3

As it turned out, Hange’s thesis wasn’t just about jumping.

But it would be nice to do it about flying. She had mentioned, echoing that same sentiment in those numerous interviews he had read.

A case study on the changes of an athletes body and muscle composition from preseason to postseason.  

Levi only found out exactly what Hange and Moblit were doing for their final thesis as she ran through it with him over coffee the morning after they met in the lab. He had to admit, he had forgotten whether or not Moblit had explained that same thing to him which was probably just easily overshadowed by the pages and pages of waivers that had been laid out in front of him.

Hange had a different approach to the documentation. She had the same waivers that needed to be signed but had completely understood that no one would have that same drive to read the whole thing and consider the nuances and implications of every bullet point. She had just asked him to check everything and sign or she would not be able to work with him.

Compensation. Injury Insurance. Transportation Subsidy. Meal Subsidy

Levi quickly complied. In fact, he probably would have complied even without the benefits that came with participating in the study. He was already half way through mindlessly checking the boxes by the time Hange had mentioned those parts after all.

“Everything is funded.” Hange had explained. He knew their university was particularly well off. Being an athlete he had been a beneficiary multiple times of free branded shoes, gym bags jackets, meals and even gadgets with championship wins

The generous funding she had received to conduct the research was particularly seen in the well equipped sports facility where Hange was to conduct said research.

Cardiovascular endurance, strength power, speed, power etc. He listed the physical fitness components she wanted to study, the logistics of switching partners and starting anew completely forgotten.

It had been less than 24 hours since he visited her office and it was as if Hange wasn’t as deep into her research as Moblit had made it out to be.

She’s been cooped up in the lab lately, watching track and field videos.

She’s already been talking to Elijah, they did a few tests.

There was truth to what Moblit had told him. Hange did admit to having already the preliminary data needed for her case study but as Hange had shown him soon after they started talking, she had no problem just scrapping her data or giving it to Moblit and starting again from scratch.

As Levi soon found out, she was too passionate about her research to consider the preliminary data wasted work.

Levi had found that last part out after their talk in the lab after she had casually mentioned her lurker Instagram account on top of her blatant refusal to use Facebook and Twitter since too many social media sites were just too much to manage. He could not resist the urge to check the accounts she followed and just as he expected, they were all famous athletes from all different fields, the one thing common about all athletes being the almost inhuman height and airtime they achieved.

Nanaba Briete her friend and the subject of her high school thesis, was a volleyball player. Elijah Miller was a horizontal jumper. Moblit pointed out as well, her data for both players was too comprehensive beyond what was expected from someone of her level of study.

Levi soon realized with her YouTube and Instagram lurker activity, she probably was a stan and for some reason, he was one of the objects of her stanning activity. Levi had seen those types of people on Twitter and Instagram. They had weird voting conglomerations, used some sort of weird language and interacted incessantly with any post on the object of their stanning activity  Hange was not vocal in particular, her Instagram profile and YouTube channels both empty.  He only had to go through the profiles she followed to see that she left likes in most if not all pictures. Among those she had liked were profiles that reposted pictures of his jumps.

Liked by Wingsoffreedom132 and thousands of others.

Levi soon realized after hours going through most if not all the accounts she followed that just like the average stan, Hange spammed the like button like crazy

Looking deep into the comments of one of his jumps that year, he had found a comment from her. A pair of wings and a heart next to it.

How long has she been following him?

Did she have those dreams too?

“Why?”

“Why what?” Hange asked.

“Why me?” Levi continued.

“I told you before. You're amazing. Your forms are all perfect, your body composition is good and that crazy fast improvement  from no name player to rookie of the year?" Hange seemed too sure of herself and glimmer of hope that somehow she had any inkling of their connection in Levi's dreams dissipated. She started to rattle off numbers relating to Levi’s height differentials and vertical leap every year since high school, Levi had to note that there was some truth to what she was saying.

High jumping events had suddenly become much easier for Levi when he moved to the city for college. He had attributed it to the more frequent training that came with the more competitive environment of collegiate sports. It was an ironic turn of events though since that was also around the same time he had started experiencing those painful mornings after dreaming things he could barely member. He chose not to mention that just yet. The connection was just too illogical to be a causation or even correlation issue. It might have even just been an irrelevant coincidence.

Levi continued to listen as she explained schedules and outlines for meet ups. There was preliminary data gathering, multiple tests to be done on weekends in a sports facility a little farther away from the school. There were a few more documents that needed to be answered and submitted similar to what Moblit had sent. It would be time consuming, inconvenient. The prospect of Hange being there made it somewhat bearable.

So bearable, that Levi had found himself arriving at the train station Saturday morning one hour earlier than they agreed upon. They were going to the sports facility for preliminary data gathering. To his pleasant surprise, Hange was already there waiting.

“I hope you don’t mind the shitty schedule,” Hange said in greeting. She was staring at the duffel bag Levi had slung over his shoulder.

Levi had to stay overnight. With the sports facilities being shared among multiple researchers and multiple athletes, Hange found the most she could secure for a last minute booking was an early morning slot, offering instead to provide lodging to Levi for a night so he wouldn’t have to take a taxi late night and early morning when the trains were already closed.

“As long as there’s a place to stay.” It’s still better than commuting at 3am.

“Let’s drop your stuff first.”

The sports facility was a 15 minute train ride and as Levi exited the station, he was greeted by a large building that stretched out a fair number of meters in both directions. Was that the sports facility?

That wasn’t their destination though. Hange guided him through a few alleys and out into a main street where a quaint mid rise condominium was located right to their left.  

“My condo only has one bedroom so I hope you won’t mind staying on the couch. It has a pull out bed though so you wouldn’t be too uncomfortable.”

Somehow Levi had expected a hotel. “Wait, I’m staying in your place?”

The area Hange lived in turned out to be only 15 minutes away by train but oddly enough, it was Levi’s first time there. He found himself just gazing at nothing in particular but whatever was in front of him at that moment as they walked through the streets. They were going to have brunch in a nearby cafe, Hange had clarified. He found himself particularly entertained by the crowds, the grey pavement and the tall buildings that lined his view all making up the urban jungle of the center of town.

The university and the surrounding town where Levi spent a good chunk of his five years was located in a quieter part of the city which Levi had gotten accustomed to pretty fast when he moved there. He never left that area unless necessary for competitions or for schoolwork. Consequently, he was not completely used to the bustle at the center of the city,

They had settled into a diner in a small part or town with Hange offering to pay for the lunch. As soon as they had given their orders, Hange slid a document to him with the words “personal data sheet” written in bold on the top. “In the final output, you will remain anonymous, Erwin just requested we keep the basic data on everyone we study.” Hange explained.

Levi scanned the document before looking up at Hange again. By the way she had looked at him, Levi was sure she could have answered some of it for him. “Why don’t you answer it for me.“ He challenged.

“It’s your data Levi so I---”

“I wanna see how much about me you know.” Levi answered with a no-nonsense tone.

Hange turned red as she pulled the form back towards herself. She scribbled a few things on the paper. “Where do you live?”

Levi gave his city and province.

“I knew that much.” Hange admitted. “Exact address?”

Levi answered it briefly, spelling it out when needed.  “How many siblings do I have? What are their names?”

“Trick question. You’re an only child.” Hange said, looking up from the data sheet.

“The number question isn’t a trick question. You can answer with zero.” Levi continued. He did not need to make an effort to keep his tone playful. He was amused already. “And how do you know about my family?”

“Interviews.” Hange answered briefly.

Levi smiled. “I know you’re an only child too.”

“How did you know that?” Hange asked.

“Interviews.” Levi could see she had relaxed, a small smile creeping up her lips.

“So you’re researching me too.” She asked.

“You started it.”

“Which city am I actually from?” Hange challenged.

“You grew up here…” Levi answered. He sat up a little straighter. Seeing the amused smile on Hange's face, Levi felt it was a good time for other questions. His mind raced as he articulated one of his passing thoughts as he read through her articles.  “Which brings up the question, if you live so near campus, why do you live in your own condo?” The public transport here isn’t shit either. Levi noted to himself. She had little excuse to live alone and from the looks of her place, she seemed to come from a well off family who could at least afford a place like that.  

“I wanted freedom.”

                           A Tale of Two Slaves

The gym was huge. It was also so complete, the coverage so comprehensive that Levi was almost inspired to take up all the sports offered. They had indoor basketball courts, tennis courts and a complete track and field set.

The important part Hange pointed out as they entered though were the devices that could measure things like speed, weight, pulse, all necessary for her study. One of the more boring parts of the tour but surprising none the least.

Levi found himself particularly fixated on the fact that Hange was greeting everyone in the job like a regular.

"Hey, you weren't at the gym this morning."

"Had to pick up my friend here. He'll be helping me with my thesis."

Levi felt a tap on his back, brief and light. Maybe hesitant? Levi could not help but entertain the passing thought that if he were Moblit or maybe anyone else, she probably would have had her arm around his shoulders. He had seen her make that gesture towards Moblit and Elijah after all.

As Hange walked towards the desk and made conversation with what looked to be the receptionist, Levi watched her from behind. At first she had seemed too nerdy and too geeky that he had expected her to be lanky under the sweaters and the white coats she wore.

That day, she was in shorts and a blouse and Levi could not help but notice how her body curved underneath her clothes, and as he focused on her legs, he could make out the subtle muscle cuts on her legs. Hange's physique was definitely more toned than average and Levi pondered Hange's own physical fitness.

Her vertical. Her endurance. Her strength. The same things she had mentioned wanting to study about him.

As Hange gave him a tour though, Levi decided that it could wait until later.

                               A Tale of Two Slaves

That morning, with only less than a minute to drop his bag and could only afford a glance of her room.

As he arrived back there late in the afternoon  after a long tour of the gym, he had to stop himself from making a face. The fastidious side of him was silently judging Hange.

It was obvious in the way Hange had prepared the bed and the way that most tables and furniture had space for a visitor to sit or rest that Hange had at least cleaned in anticipation.

But she's a horrible cleaner.

The sofa bed was prepared but the sheets were wrinkled. The trashcan was overflowing, a disturbing sign that Hange did not segregate her trash. The dining table was empty but a display table at the corner of the room took the brunt of what Levi guessed the dining table used to carry.

There were jackets messily folded on the display table and Levi recognized her schoolbag particularly by the keychain he had returned only a few days ago.

“Make yourself at home.” Hange dropped a few towels on the sofa bed before making her way to her own bedroom. “You can use the shower in the powder room. Also, what do you want for dinner?”

“Anything.” Levi answered. He was still bothered by the state of the room to demand much of anything. The food was free, the accommodation was free, he felt guilty just complaining internally.

Hange seemed unbothered by the shitty state of her “cleaned up room.” In fact she had seemed proud as she toured him around her house. As Levi watched Hange with her goofy smile as she played with her phone in between bites of the pizza they had ordered, he could not help but feel guilty for having harbored such negative thoughts when Hange seemed more relaxed than he had seen her in a while.

“What are you watching?” Levi asked, an attempt at conversation more than anything. There were things he had wanted to ask her, yet at that moment, he felt would seem too intrusive.

Hange turned her phone to him. The video Hange had been looking at was that figure skater glided to the rink and jumped into the air, rotating quickly.

“I didn’t know you liked figure skating.” Levi said, his eyes focused on the heart on the side, to see it filled over. Hange liked the video.

“I like a lot of sports. I definitely would have wanted to try skating as a kid. Maybe gymnastics or even track."

Levi tried to imagine Hange in a tutu or a leotard, having to hold back a snort as he did. “You never looked like the type to wear a dress.”

“I wouldn’t. But I’m pretty sure you know how fun it would be to be able to launch yourself up in the air like that. You’ve done it multiple times.”

Levi thought back to the interviews he had read, the answers she had made even since grade school. I want to see how people can fly . “Why didn’t you take a sport as a kid?”

The smile she had given him after was wry, a little sullen and Levi knew he must have hit something sensitive inside her. “Because my parents didn’t allow me. If I take gymnastics, I’d break my neck. If I take skating, I’d break my spine. If I take track and field, I’d break my knees." She explained in an almost mocking town." They never ran out of excuses when it came to sports. But when it came to academics, they were always shipping me off to some new competition.”

I wanted freedom. That afternoon in the cafe, Hange had answered it so casually, he had brushed it off as they continued to fill out the data sheets. As he listened to Hange explain her situation right there, Levi could not help but recall a twinge of sadness in Hange’s voice as she had said the word “freedom.”

“Don’t get me wrong, academics can be fun.” Hange said.  “But I don’t think it’s ever going to beat the adrenaline rush of jumping or sprinting.”

“And that’s why you’re going to the gym a lot now.”

“I’m in college. My parents can’t stop me now. But yeah, my childhood is done. I don’t think I’ll ever get to your level, even when I train everyday.”

Levi had heard people say that before. The body of a child is flexible, the bones and muscles can still be easily molded. By the time people grow to be adults, their body is set and sure, they could probably jump or run along a track casually, collegiate competition and professional competitions were out of the question for most if not all people who start a sport as an adult.

"Maybe I can teach you?"

                                    A Tale of Two Slaves

The Hange in Levi’s dreams was able to fly. She was the one who would be screaming as they glided through the air in those contraptions. She had the ability to launch herself up in the air, to flip, to spin, just like the athletes in the videos she constantly followed.

Hange wasn't at all out of shape either. In fact as he saw her in gym clothes and as he watched her do a few rounds around the empty track, he had to note that her form was good. Her physique and the cuts in her muscles were also well defined. He wouldn’t have been surprised if the Hange who was watching him do rounds of jumps as she took notes was the same Hange in his dreams.

The bar Hange had set for him was clearable with little to no effort. After clearing a few rounds, enough for Hange to be satisfied with the preliminary data, he took the stopwatch from her hands and guided her to the place he had positioned himself a while ago. He opted to adjust it a few centimeters lower, at a height he had seen less skilled jumpers back in high school clear with no problems.

He spent a few minutes going  through the basics with her, particularly the method of softening a landing, having seen teammates from long ago get injured from that in particular.

“You’ve seen me jump countless times. I’m sure you can do it.” Levi assured. He knew that that last part was for himself more than anything. It pained him to see her nervous. Her face was a far cry from the Hange he knew.

She should know how to do it right?

Keeping the bar at its minimum and going through that landing with Hange a few times had turned out to be a good decision. It was in the way Hange had run to the bar, through the way her eyes went wild as she ran and as she landed right next to the bar that had fallen did Levi realize though, that Hange was terrified.

Terrified yet determined. Hange went back to her starting point and prepared herself for it a few more times.

“You don’t have that bounce in your step when you take off.” Levi bounced on the balls of his feet a few times for emphasis.

Hange gave him a quick nod before readying herself to run again. Levi could see she was tired. As Hange went through the motions pre jump, Levi could feel his heart beat faster. It took him a split second longer to realize why. Hange’s motions were wild and unsynchronized.

Levi did not say anything for fear of distracting her and possibly causing injury. He found himself running towards her instead. He was too late though. By the time he had arrived by the bars, she had fallen on it. One side of the bar flailed up in the air as Hange landed and she let out a loud gasp of surprise.

“Hey, you okay?” Levi asked, as he crouched next to her. He had kept his voice soft for fear of her hearing the panic in it.

Hange was lying face up on the mat, her light brown eyes looking longingly above her.

They had started training in the stadium at four in the morning, hours before the sun was scheduled to rise. It was only when Levi saw how unnaturally light Hange’s eyes were did he realized the ceiling above them was glass, and the sun had risen enough for the light to reflect on it.

“Must be nice to fly huh?” Hange voiced out before sitting back up again. “I’m fine but I think I bruised my shoulder.” She reached out for her right shoulder with her left hand and winced.

Having been jumping almost his whole life, Levi had forgotten for a while, how difficult the mechanics would be to pick up for the average adult. While gazing at Hange who had bent her head back and continued to watch the sunrise from the glass ceiling, Levi continued to reflect on it. If it were any other person, he probably would have even removed the bar as he thought them the mechanics.

The game changer in those particular circumstances was that it was Hange he was teaching, the subject of his dreams, the one who was flying with him from tree to tree in the forest. The one who was smiling and doing backflips, provoking him to chase her. For the life of him, Levi could not believe that she was not able to clear that jump.

                                   A Tale of Two Slaves

The sullen mood of a while ago quickly dissipated to something a little more bearable when Levi suggested they play on the trampolines adjacent to the track.

It had felt ridiculous at first. As Hange continued to gaze upward, mumbling about wanting to fly and as Levi himself dealt with the disappointment of what just happened, it had seemed like a logical suggestion.

It was the most mindless way he could come up with to get both of them flying and jumping and maybe, get them both cheered up in the process. They only had to bounce a few times for it to be exciting. After a few bounces, Hange started to laugh, she started to scream in excitement.

The same excited scream he had heard so many times before in his dreams. Levi found himself staring at Hange as she jumped. The spark in her eye was brighter than it had ever been. Her cheeks were starting to flush from what could have been excitement or exhaustion. After what could have been a few more minutes of jumping, Hange landed on her ass and let out a loud laugh in between gasps.

“Something tells me you haven’t done this before.” Levi said as he settled on the floor of the trampoline next to her.

“Parents didn’t allow me.They said I’d break my ankle.” Hange answered, after she had gotten control of her ragged breathing. She was sweaty and flushed but she looked carefree.

That was the Hange Levi was familiar with. Before Levi even noticed it, he had brought out his hand and lightly touched her on the side of her arm. Oddly enough, she did not resist the light and quick squeeze he had given her. As Levi looked closely at her, he guessed she probably didn’t notice or didn’t care. He quickly let go of her arm, a few seconds after he had noticed the odd action. Before that, he had allowed himself a few seconds to process the  warmth of her skin and the up and down movement that came with her heavy breathing. It was oddly calming and assuring.

She's real. She's alive. She's warm and she's breathing.

Soon after that, they were kicked out of the gym.  Actually, no one had kicked them out. The Sunday gym goers though had taken up their territory on the track as they started their warmups. Levi and Hange soon realized their time was up. The rude awakening to that reality had felt like they were being kicked out anyway.

It also turned out the giant trampoline Levi suggested they played on was only for the children's use. One reason, Hange had never bothered to touch it even when she did frequent the gym.

Hange had sleepily explained that part to him as she sprawled herself on the sofa of her condominium that afternoon. The early morning in the gym had left her exhausted. She fell asleep soon after and Levi could not help but notice the smile on her face as she slept. He wondered if she usually smiled in her sleep.

Levi settled himself on one of the chairs around the dining table in a good position to watch her, busying himself by going through all the Instagram profiles Hange had followed, following them using his own account. Some of the videos were in slow motion and Levi found himself in that same blackhole as Hange had been in many times before, begrudgingly agreeing that Hange was right.

The slow motion videos in particular showed the detail. The way the legs make a slight bounce before launching up, the slight movements the body made as it is suspended in the air. Levi knew there was a lot of body coordination involved in getting the highest vertical possible. Seeing the body work together, the miniscule movements all cooperating to get the jumper spinning, flipping or twisting was oddly satisfying. Levi was distracted, so distracted the only thing that could break it was the vibration of his phone accompanying the banner on top.

Coach Greg.

Levi was once again pulled out of his blackhole. Of course he’d have to train. He had missed multiple trainings the past week due to the wound in his knee. He had also missed yesterday morning’s training having to meet Hange. Their season was starting in a few weeks and he was their best chance at a championship that year. Levi wasn’t too surprised that their coach was more than ready to run through drills with him on a Sunday night.

After a few minutes of digging through Hange’s unit, Levi managed to unearth a pile of post-its and a pen. Thank you for letting me stay over. Gotta run. He wrote. He kept it short and simple, knowing he would probably end up chatting with her soon anyway. He stuck it on the dining table, slung his overnight bag over his shoulder and silently left the room.

As he took the train back to campus, Levi continued on his little blackhole. A video was just released, taken in a tournament in Russia just a few days back.

Quad Queen Alexandra Trusova.

Levi did not know his way around figure skating jumps but he found himself watching it in slow motion anyway. The sped up version was surprising but the slow motion version that followed was mesmerizing. Levi counted four spins in the air, noting both the slight bounce before the jump and the bounce that followed the landing.

As Levi refreshed the video on his phone, he could not help but notice that Hange’s name still wasn’t among those who had liked the photo. Was she still asleep?

He could only imagine the smile she makes as she watches videos. He clicked the paper airplane icon below the videos, scrolled through the users and clicked send on Wingsoffreedom132. He made sure to add a wings emoji and a heart emoji, the way Hange had done in a few of the videos.

Somehow, after doing that, it became easier to imagine that goofy smile a little more vividly.

#levihan #levi ackerman #hange zoe #levi x hange #levi x hanji #fanfic

[spartanswiftie]

✨Meet Me In The Afterglow✨

Taylor,

Your music has always been important to me for a number of reasons, but the biggest thing it has helped me through is the death of an ex boyfriend. Although we were not together at the time of his passing, my relationship with him was a defining event in my life and his passing changed my life forever. Chris passed away suddenly in a car accident on Christmas Eve, 2006. Our relationship had been on and off for about 3 years and was dysfunctional for lack of better terms. When it was good, it was great. When it was bad it was awful. To this day I believe he may have been bipolar. He would be the sweetest guy, calling me at 5:30am on his way to work to leave me a message saying good morning and he hoped I had a good day. He’d make romantic dinners, he was a great cook..buy me sweet gifts, and we would have the BEST times together. He was my FIRST Valentine. At 25 years old he was the first legitimate Valentine I’d ever had. After reading your journals I know you know the feeling of being single on Valentines Day. It meant so much to me.

But, he had a dark side. Without warning he would completely ghost me overnight. When he disappeared he disappeared from EVERYONE. His friends would come to me asking where he was. He would isolate himself from everyone for weeks, sometimes months at a time before re-appearing out of nowhere. When he did re-surface he would be profusely apologetic and I did love him so eventually I’d cave and go back to him. Over time I accepted his pattern of behavior and became more expectant of it but it didn’t hurt less when it happened.

My friends and family grew to HATE him because of this. I couldn’t talk to anyone about him, and eventually I’d have to lie to everyone when I would hang out with him. I knew the writing was on the wall but I didn’t want to give up on him. I thought I could change him, but you know how that story goes.

Sometime in 2005 we broke up and cut ties for awhile. Like clockwork we ran into each other around Thanksgiving that year and stayed in touch. His dad had just had a double lung transplant and I knew how much that meant to his family at the time. We kept in touch. On Valentines Day 2006 we were both single so we decided to hang out together. Of course I lied to everyone I knew about where I was going that night. He made me dinner, we drank wine and talked about our past relationship and what had gone wrong, why it didn’t work. We laughed a lot, played with his dog, cuddled on the couch and watched Napoleon Dynamite together. When I left he kissed me goodbye and that was our last kiss. That night was our closure. I thank God every day that I made the decision to spend that night with him.

Just before he passed I went through a crappy breakup and I debated calling him. I even told my mom about our Valentines date and that I was thinking about reaching out. We both agreed that it probably wasn’t best and I decided not to.

When he passed my entire world shattered. As I said my friends and family HATED him. Nobody understood my grief because they all thought he treated me terribly. I used the word hate because I had a few of my BEST FRIENDS at the time call me (this is not an exaggeration) LAUGHING saying “Did you hear what happened to Chris? Karma’s a bitch.” Needless to say that was the LAST time I spoke with them. I mourned his death and the loss of 90% of my friendships. I started over. I made new friends, surrounded myself with new people and in the WORST time of my life it was the best thing that ever happened at the same time. I know you can relate to this.

Your career was just starting when he passed. He has a younger sister who I’ve kept in touch with (as well as his parents) and she is also a Swiftie. In that sense you’ve given me common ground to stay connected with his family and I could never thank you enough for that. That aside, SO MANY of your songs have helped me process his loss and the emotions around it in hindsight. The first time I heard Last Kiss I sobbed. That song is #1 when I am feeling sad and need to re-connect with him in my memory. There are so many others; basically the entire Red album - particularly All Too Well, Treacherous, I Almost Do, Sad Beautiful Tragic and Red. Enchanted always makes me think of him and when you played it acoustic at MetLife and I was there I about died!

It’s crazy to think that someone you don’t even know can write a song that can take you to such a deep personal space and help you process things that nobody else can, and that’s why I love music so much. You did it again on this album, and in such a beautiful, fitting way.

When I first heard Afterglow I loved it. I thought first of a relationship I had in high school (my first love) where I ended up trying to preserve a friendship but in the end broke his heart. Then the song did a handstand. I bought a new car recently, and ever since the night of Chris’s viewing I’ve kept the prayer card tucked in the mirror of my visor in my car. Every time I get a new car I transfer it. I’d done the same on July 31, the day I bought my car. The other day I took it out for a moment and I sobbed. The title on the card is AFTERGLOW. I immediately turned the song on and got goosebumps. It’s as if he is speaking to me from heaven through the song. The lyrics are spot on and perfectly describe what our relationship dynamic was from his point of view. I’ve never been more convicted about the power of music as I am in this moment.

Roughly 13 YEARS, I repeat 13 YEARS later you release a song on an album named LOVER with the title AFTERGLOW that PERFECTLY emulates our relationship and the apology he more or less gave me 13 years ago with the chorus line “Meet me in the Afterglow”. Goosebumps for days.

THANK YOU TAYLOR for being the most incredible singer/songwriter on the planet and for creating these masterpiece songs that have helped me through the darkest days of my life. The best part is that the album ends with Daylight, the only song of yours that perfectly describes my relationship with my husband. I’ve said a million times, if it weren’t for my relationship with Chris and his passing I would not have been “ready” to meet my husband. Going through all of that changed me and taught me so much and ultimately led me to him. And if there was any question in my mind, God wiped them away (and I say this because I believe he had a hand in all of this). On my wedding day, Chris’s dad reached out to me on Facebook and congratulated me and wished me all the best in my marriage. I can’t help but feel like Afterglow is in a way a little check-in, sign of approval, call it what you want...a letting go of sorts. Either way, this has all allowed me to step into the Daylight...and let it go. I’m at peace, mostly because of your music. I could never thank you enough💗

@taylorswift @taylornation

#taylor swift #taylurking #taylornation #swiftieparentsquad #lover #afterglow

[nilim]

How would someone start to get into LARPing? I've always thought it sounded interesting but I have no idea where to start.

Oh boy, both a very easy and a very complicated question, because it depends on where you live and what you want. Also I haven’t been to that many different LARPs, so I will keep this mostly general…. This got long, so tips under the cut:

I’m very much a ‘jumped in the deep end without any preparation and see where I end up’ kinda person. I first started LARPing when I was 18. It was a ‘smaller’ LARP and it was at a place where my brother also LARPed at, although I didn’t see him for the entire weekend so I was pretty much alone. It was also an ‘adult’ LARP, so 16+ only. It was also the most I laughed in a 3-day stretch of time and absolutely delightful.

Basically, anyone can get into LARPing, you just have to keep an open mind when going into these things. Here’s a disclaimer though: I’m an easy person, I don’t have any disabilities, was in a mentally healthy state and I’m very used to camping outdoors, so I could put up with a lot - there was nothing that really ‘scared’ me about going except the whole ‘oh no strangers’ and mild social anxiety thing. Therefore, I didn’t do a lot of research beforehand about which LARP I wanted to attend - I attended my first LARP because it was relatively close to where my parents lived and I knew my brother LARPed there. That’s it.

However, that was more than 10 years ago and I’ve since grown a little more socially anxious and also a little more socially aware, so I would advise you to scout out different LARPs in your area. Almost all LARP events I know of have an online presence, through twitter or facebook groups, websites, etc. Just have a look what players are saying on those pages - you can usually judge the general feel of a LARP by the type of discussions players are having. 

Also, ask questions if you’re unsure about something. In general I’ve found that LARPers are very eager to bring people into their hobby, and are very helpful and honest when answering questions. Check whether there is a code of conduct. Check whether there are confidential counselors present if anything were to happen. Check whether there are rules about harassment etc. If you’re unsure about something, ask the players on those social media pages what their experiences have been. Usually they will be honest, because they are ‘customers’ of the LARP much like you will be. Treat it like you’re shopping around for a hotel or holiday! Weigh the pros and cons.

As for the LARPs themselves, there are many different kinds of LARPs. I’ve only done high fantasy LARPs so far, and pretty large ones as well. Conquest of Mythodea is the largest LARP in the world, and it can be overwhelming for some people. But I also find them very calming in a way? When there’s so many people around there is almost no direct pressure on me to do anything. The story will continue regardless of what I do. With small LARPS or ‘parlor’ LARPs, which usually consist of a very limited group in a much smaller area, there can be more pressure on you to ‘perform’ your role. However, the upside of these LARPs is that you get some very deep RP and your character is important to the story. The game leaders will make sure to focus on you, and that can be very exciting! 

I’ve also only attended LARPs where I would stay overnight. My first LARP lasted 3 days (Friday-Sunday), and Conquest of Mythodea lasts 5 (Wednesday -Sunday night). If you’re unsure about immediately going for such a commitment, maybe try out shorter or smaller LARPs first to see if you like it? Also, almost all LARPs have out-of-character areas, so if things get too overwhelming you can retreat from the game and just chill. Usually there are dedicated areas in the game, as well as your personal areas (e.g. people’s personal tents are completely off limits in Conquest, and nobody may enter them except for you. They may also not demand that you come out, etc). 

Once you’ve settled on a LARP you want to attend, but don’t want to do it alone, you can ask around to see if there are any groups that might interest you in joining. Most LARPs have many different factions that you could join, and a lot of larger LARPs also have newbie groups that are specifically designed to teach you the ropes of the game. We joined the banner of explorers in Conquest of Mythodea and people were very friendly with explaining rules and such to us. However, they also usually let you go off and do your own thing if you’re not interested in participating or being forced into performing faction-related things. It was real nice. Again, ask around, see which groups of people can take you under their wing - usually there’s a lot of people willing to help you! A lot of this asking around you can do online before you even attend the LARP.

Once you’ve chosen a LARP and/or even a faction, make sure to read up on the rules of the LARP. Sometimes there’s a lot. Nobody is expecting you to know everything by heart, but it’s appreciated to take a little bit of effort so you know the general rules, especially around OOC vs IC gameplay, and the concept to roleplay with other people. LARPing is very much a “Yes and…” kind of experience, much like D&D. Prevent shutting down other people’s RP moments just because you want to do something cooler. (Note: Absolutely shut down somebody’s RP moment if it is making you uncomfortable. You are more important than RP!). Read up on combat rules, if you’re planning on taking part in combat. Make sure never to just hit people on the head, never carry sharp objects on you, make sure to know the rules about touching and grabbing other people, some LARPs don’t allow it.

Now you just need a character. Many LARPs have you build a character much in the same way like you would build a D&D character; you have a number of skill points that you can assign to different skills, such as thievery, magic or hitpoints. Read up on the rules and do whatever you think would be fun. In my general experience, these skill points are way less important than you think. 99% of LARP is just hanging around and talking to people, and you don’t need skill points for that. Additionally, realize that nobody actually knows your character (unless you’re playing a small parlor LARP), so you can usually tweak your character while you’re playing. So far I’ve always tried to play shady thief characters or dumb fighter characters, but I always instantly get sucked in when there’s puzzles and mysteries to solve, so I often let the ‘stoic person who doesn’t care about books’ thing go as soon as the game presents me with secret puzzles and coded texts. And that’s fine. Just make sure that once you’ve settled as a character after some time IC, and people know you as that character, you roleplay somewhat consistently or otherwise it gets confusing.

As for preparation for going to an actual LARP: There’s a lot of good resources out there on the internet! Just google things like ‘essential items for a LARP’ or ‘packing list LARP’, especially if you’re planning on camping. There’s also a huge amount of online stores that cater to LARP outfits, LARP weapons, and adjacent fantasy setting camping items. If you’re on a budget, don’t worry about it - nobody is going to be snobby about your outfit if you don’t look as cool as the next guy. However, please do try to keep it setting-compliant. Don’t show up in jeans and a t-shirt to a fantasy LARP. Even on a budget, it’s relatively easy to find some second-hand clothes at a thrift store or flea market (that’s where I get half my LARP clothes). Much like many hobbies, this one too requires a little bit of investment on your part before you go. Please don’t splurge on equipment before you’ve even attended a LARP though – maybe you won’t like it, and then you’ve invested all that effort already. Just take it easy and test out the waters a little bit.

And in-game? What if you’re unsure about how to get into the game? First you have to realize that everything is game. Even just sitting around the campfire enjoying some bard songs is game. There’s no right or wrong way to play in a LARP. But if you want to get into more plot-related stuff: Talk to others. Ask questions, about everything. During our 5 days at Mythodea this summer we did literally nothing but walk up to random places or events, tapping random people on the shoulder and going ‘what’s happening here?’. And people will do it a lot with you too, we’ve had so many people asking us who someone was, or what was going on, even though we didn’t know. Be not afraid to ask questions. It’s the quickest way to make new connections and get new friends and to get involved in the plot. Usually there’s NPCs around that you can ask for quests. Try to find out where stuff is happening. Or make your own quests, if you enjoy making that kind of character. It can be a lot of fun to send out other players to do things for you. Player characters come in all kinds of flavours. Maybe you just want a character that hangs out in the camp and cooks for people. That’s fine too! Like I said before, there’s no right or wrong to play. 

If you want to fight undead and smash people with a foam sword, there’s LARPs for that. If you want to solve a murder mystery in a haunted mansion, there’s LARPs for that. If you want to be a wizard and attend magic school, there’s LARPs for that. If you want to sneak around and steal people’s valuables, there’s LARPs for that. It’s great! Just look around and see what kind of LARP and what kind of character suits your style. And it’s also fine to have your first LARP be a run-of-the-mill fantasy setting where you just walk around and observe other people and don’t get involved in the plot at all, which is mostly what I did during my first LARP. 

Anyway, this got very long, sorry. But I hope these tips help you out!

#LARP #Anonymous

[alia15]

Turning Over a New Leaf

My house is cleaner.

I’m more relaxed.

More productive.

More active.

Dare I say...happier?

Happy? In this climate?? How does one go about finding this happiness I speak of? 

Well, for me, it was simple. Set an alarm.

I know, I know: what a concept. But something happened to me about a month ago and I realized that I had a lot of problems, stressors and time management issues in my life....

And I was to blame.

The thing is, I didn’t know I was to blame. I blamed my Microsoft Outlook Calendar which is jam-packed every single weekday with meetings and calls. I blamed the steady stream of emails that flowed into my inbox every minute. I blamed chiropractor visits twice a week that I had to work into my busy schedule. I blamed weekend plans and obligations and errands and everyone...but myself. Because while all the things I listed are very real, there was one person getting in the way of finding free time and well, “me” time, and that person was me.

So, I decided to make some changes. I don’t know about you, but when I make changes, I really MAKE them. They have to be well thought-out and documented. I started thinking about all the factors that were causing me grief and stress over the last few months, and tried to address them:

That’s some set of rules.

I put my money where my mouth is and instead of just making a list of goals on my iPhone’s Notes app, I actually...did the things. I set my alarm for 7am every day. I don’t have to start working until about 9ish, so that was going to give me some extra time to do... WHATEVER. Anything. Even if it was spacing out and having coffee while watching Saved by the Bell reruns, it was better than what I *had* been doing, which is laying in bed until about 9:00 (er, 9:15 some days) and then scrambling like a mad woman to start my day. Frantic. Aggravated. Rushing.

And, for what? I work from home now, and likely will be for a while. Why was I torturing myself? How many days could I get out of bed late and then turn on my computer only to realize I had a meeting in 15 minutes? How many days could I spend sitting at my desk working, and ONLY working all day, realizing when I signed off later that I never really moved much, never went outside, never took a real break?

It was unhealthy, and it made me unhappy.

I also started to wonder why I was getting out of bed so late, ESPECIALLY since my body clock typically wakes me up around 7:30 or 8:00am. If I was up, why didn’t I...ya know, get up? Physically? 

I knew why.

The damn phone. We all do it. We wake up, and before anything else we grab that little device that connects us to the world with the touch of a button. What news alerts do I have; what happened overnight since I went to bed? What’s going on in Twitter World? What’s trending? Let me check Facebook and see whose birthday it is! Let’s scroll through Instagram and Tik Tok and Snapchat AND OH MY GOD IT’S 9:20???? How the hell did an HOUR AND A HALF go by??

Nope. No more. I made a ‘rule’ that I’d set an alarm, and even if I needed a few minutes (or hell, 30 minutes) to lay in bed before getting up, the one thing I could NOT do is scroll through my phone. And guess what? It helps. IT HELPS A LOT. Let me tell you all the things I did this morning: Wednesday, October 14:

dusted & cleaned some windows

rode the stationary bike for 30 minutes 

threw in a load of laundry

had breakfast (hard boiled eggs & some turkey bacon) and coffee 

caught up on the morning news

got ready for the day: makeup, outfit, hair

started this blog post

And I did this all before 9am. 

The catalyst for making these changes happened one weekend in September when my parents were here helping me out with some outdoor cleanup and gardening. They were so helpful in undoing some of the damage Leo and I had done over the summer: we had overgrown plants, weeds, a messy/sandy deck, and we needed some serious ASSISTANCE. And while I appreciated the help, I also felt guilty. Why hadn’t I taken care of this myself? Why did I keep hearing the same phrase come out of my mouth multiple times that day while my parents were over?

“I don’t have the time.”

That was my response when I was asked why I don’t go to Home Depot to get some new outdoor fall stuff. That was my response when asked about watering plants or plucking weeds out of the ground. I DON’T HAVE THE TIME, OKAY?! I AM A VERY BUSY WOMAN!!! 

And, I am. We’re all busy to some extent. And sometimes, it IS hard to find the time for things: house things, chores things, exercise things. But you CAN make the time. You can better USE your time. Since I’ve been getting up earlier each weekday, I’ve used those hours in the mornings for productivity quite often. On weekends, we’ve taken the free time we DO have (before or after plans we might have) to do the things we don’t get to during the week. Just this past weekend, before going to my sister-in-laws house to celebrate our birthdays, Leo and I went to a local preserve in our town to get a walk in. On a recent Sunday when Leo was watching the Jets, I did a LONG OVERDUE closet organization. For me, personally, spending my limited and precious free time on my phone or watching TV makes me feel shitty. Sometimes it’s okay, but I’m generally a happier person when I feel like I’ve gotten things done. 

Oh yeah, and I’m happier the more I MOVE. This isn’t about weight loss or some unhealthy diet culture; this is about overall physical and mental health. Look at how little I moved in August and September. I felt it.

Let’s be real: this year has been TOUGH. We’ve had to make so many adjustments to all the curveballs tossed our way, and we’ve had to navigate the countless changes. But, despite how long we’ve been doing this whole corona dance, it’s never too late to pivot and turn things around. Since March, I’ve been trying to find ways to better myself and find ways to improve my daily life all while working around a challenging work-from-home sitch, a bad back, and a bunch of other obstacles. 

This isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach, and I know everyone is different, but if you’re anything like me and think you can benefit from some inspo, great. I wrote this post in hopes that I’d potentially motivate someone to make a change that could help make them happier. The few times I’ve shared this with people -- in person or on social media -- I usually get a response along the lines of “I need to start doing this.” Or, similarly, a coworker/friend recently DID take my advice, and wrote me to tell me:

...am I a self-help guru???

Bottom line, take care of yourself. I know it’s hard, and sometimes it takes some effort. But it’s important: especially in a year like this one.

Stay safe & healthy!

-Ali

#self help #motivation #inspiration #health #wellness #mental health #happiness #productivity #organization #2020 #pandemic

[comfy-whumpee]

Birthday

[I’m a terrible parent to my OCs and forgot it was Ellis’s birthday yesterday, the 19th. CN: grief.]

Fresh plea for information on birthday of missing man

Alistair read all the news articles about his pet. It was good to get a picture of the investigation and the actions of his old loved ones. So when he woke up, one day five months in, he was surprised to see multiple new alerts.

Ellis Reece, who would have turned 23 today, disappeared from his home in early July this year. There was no sign of forced entry or struggle. His family have released a new statement asking for anyone with information to come forward.

He skimmed the rest of the article, but there was no new information. It wasn’t important, anyway. It was his pet’s birthday.

Ellis woke up in his Master’s arms, in his Master’s bed. He was tucked under the covers, with Master carefully arranging him in his lap. He lifted his head up and smiled, sleepy adoration and wonder in his eyes.

Master smiled back. He pulled the blankets up around his pet’s shoulders, and stroked his hair to guide the head back onto his shoulder. When he spoke, his voice rumbled in his chest against Ellis’s ear. “Good morning, sweetness.”

Ellis was lax under the touch, tilting his head back slightly into the stroking hand that traced his hair down his back. It was easy to stay in the safe, quiet place in his head, where he was simply happy and happily simple.

“Do you know what day it is today?”

He shook his head. Of course he didn’t know. He tried his very hardest not to know anything but what he was told.

“It’s your birthday, silly thing. You’re twenty-three today!”

He tried to look up again, surprised, but the hand stroking his hair kept it down, and he settled again quickly.

“We’re going to spend all day together, my darling, won’t that be nice? You’re going to stay right here in bed, and just for today, I’ll make you your own dinner, and you can have some cake, too.”

His own dinner! He nuzzled gratefully, and was rewarded by a fond sigh.

“Now, I’ll go make us breakfast. I won’t be long.”

He was lifted away from Master and settled back against the pillows, and he watched Master put on his dressing gown and go downstairs. He felt so lucky today, to be getting so many treats. Cuddles for the whole day, to ease the – feeling of emptiness inside him, that only Master could smother away.

-

“Ellis was a gentle, kind boy, who never h-hurt anyone. We ask that, please, anyone who might know what happened to him, let us know. Tell the police. Even if y-you think it’s small, think it’s n-nothing. Help us find our s-son.”

Siobhan turned away from the cameras, and was helped off the stage. Someone else took the microphone, she didn’t know who. She didn’t care.

Joe held her as they travelled home. She’d woken up that morning and baked a cake. Salted caramel sponge, his favourite, and as soon as the fresh smell had drifted from the oven she had burst into tears.

The tears hadn’t stopped. She was still crying now. Joe pressed a water bottle into her shaking hands, barely restraining sobs himself, his jaw tight and eyes glossy.

“They have to find him,” she choked out, once they were home on their sofa, blanket around them, and Joe was letting himself cry. “They have to.”

Grief was a deep pit in her chest, where her heart had been.

-

While Master was making breakfast, Ellis slipped out of bed to get his glass of water from where he had tucked it out of the way under the bed overnight. He padded on bare feet over the floorboards and stooped to pick it up.

Are you out of bed?

He froze, hand around the cool glass, and it took him a long moment to find his body, and his voice, and reply. “Yes, Master.”

I told you to stay.

“I’m sorry, Master, I was getting—”

Are you questioning me?

The words stuck in his throat. He shouldn’t give excuses. “No, Master, sorry.”

Back in the bed.

The disappointment chilled him, and he let go of the water, leaving it on the floor. He climbed back into the bed that wasn’t his, trying to put himself back how he was left. Why did he try to do that, disobey the stay he was so clearly given, to get something for himself? He couldn’t do things for himself anymore.

Master returned with a plate of toast and a bowl. His bowl of porridge. He put both on his bedside table and took something else from his dressing gown pocket.

“You need help even today, don’t you?” he asked, and it wasn’t a real question, so he didn’t reply. He was unresisting as Master took his ankle and cuffed it to the bedpost on a short chain. “If you can’t stay by yourself, we’ll have to make you.”

“Thank you, Master,” he murmured, relieved beyond measure that he wasn’t kicked off the bed altogether. Even when he was bad, disobeying and – not asking for permission, of course, he needed to ask before he could have water – Master was letting him stay. For his birthday. Kindness he didn’t deserve, because Master was wonderful.

Master didn’t pull him close again, though, so Ellis stayed still, staring at the bowl of porridge he was given, ashamed. It was several long minutes before Master gave him permission to eat, and it was almost cold.

“I’m giving you one more chance, because it’s your birthday. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Master.” He was grateful, he really was. The bed was special, a treat. A gift. “Thank you, Master.”

Yes, no, sorry, thank you, please. For a moment, he heard how repetitive he was, and it brought a cringing blush to his face. He tried to focus on the food, but it tasted awful, congealing and powdery and bland. Last year on his birthday he ate pizza for breakfast, cold leftovers from the party the night before. Three friends had slept over and they’d sat in their pyjamas in the living room playing video games and eating junk food.

God, he missed video games. He missed fun.

“Stay there and relax,” Master said, when he had finished his food, and he knew he should be glad, but he was...bored. So, so bored.

Master went again. So much for spending the day together. Ellis must have forfeited that by breaking a rule. He hadn’t been burnt and he was glad for that, truly. But this was meant to be better, and it wasn’t.

-

Nic had eight unread messages, four missed calls, and two voicemails.

They were curled in their usual spot, duvet bunched around them, face pressed into his pillow. Some things they hadn’t touched, small shrines to his absence. His toothbrush in the pot. His shoes by the door. The jumper he’d left draped over the banister.

Other things, they held on to. His pillow was the main thing. For a while, the lingering smell of his conditioner had brought stinging tears to their eyes, but it had faded now.

They scrolled through his Facebook.

I hope you’re safe, wherever you are.

Miss you today, Ellis. Love to your family as always.

We’ll never forget you.

It was easier to read these than the messages for Nic. They’d glimpsed some. Please let us know if you need anything. Drop me a message anytime.

It wasn’t true. It wasn’t real. Nobody could do anything but reassure them with sweet lies. Ellis had been gone for five months, and people gone for that long rarely came back. His parents denied the possibility, but Nic didn’t know what else anyone could do. As far as the police had been able to tell, he’d gotten dressed and simply walked out.

And Siobhan and Joe thought that, maybe, he’d walked out on Nic.

Eight unread messages, four missed calls, two voicemails, and they felt so alone.

-

His legs ached from being still. He wanted to get up and move around. He wanted to find a book. God, he wanted to open a window or go outside, feel grass and rain and earth, even though it would be cold.

He wanted – something else. He wouldn’t let his thoughts focus on what.

I am Master’s pet and I need to be kept, he reminded himself, aware that his train of thought was getting dangerous. He had to stay. It wasn’t his choice. A little boredom was the least of what he deserved.

The bed was so soft he was sinking into it. Like porridge.

By the time Master comes back, he’s so desperate for stimulation that he winds himself around his Master and nuzzles eagerly into him, thin arms wrapped around his middle. Master laughs softly, patting his back, and they settle down together with Ellis curled up against his leg, head resting on his thigh.

He’s had food. Company. Comfort. Attention. It doesn’t make the uneasy, hollow feeling go away, but – but he couldn’t want for anything else.

#angst #captivity #grief #forced comfort #guilt #creepy caregiver #chained #isolation #loneliness #ellis #nic #alistair

[szopenhauer]

Are you more positive or a debbie downer? Debbie Downer should be my name lol

What would you love to drink right now? I’m drinking water rn, second mug in a row, my belly is going to explode

Is that an alcoholic drink or not? it’s not this kind of water :P

Oh good. What would you love to eat right now? I’m not hungry...

How many meals do you eat a day? depends

Do you brush your tongue with your tooth brush? sometimes

What are you favorite type of jeans? I’d say skinny even tho I don’t wear jeans anymore ^^”

Do you eat your nails? wait what swallow? ewww I don’t even bite them :o 

Do you enjoy making or taking surveys? taking them more 

Name something that is blue that you like Sadness from Inside out

Name something pink that you like PYNK music video by Janelle Monae? XD

If you could have one more pet, what? meh

If you could sleep next to a tame wild animal what? woah 

Would you rather have an owl or a snake? both are cool

What would you name it? Bowl for owl and for snake either Ksysio or Wonsz żmieja?

Do you eat the ice in your drink? no

Have you ever been addicted to cigarettes? I had one cigarette in my whole life but I still keep a package in my room :x

Which do you use more? Facebook or Instagram? fb, I don’t care for insta 

Do you watch beauty videos on You Tube? nah

Do you like Star Wars? love

What kind of surveys do you like the most? interesting, not just YES or NO questions, I want to go deeper 

Have you ever dropped something down the garbage disposal on accident? omg luckily not 

What CD would you never buy for yourself? anything Justin Bieber for sure

Is sex a must in your life? absolutely not

Would you rather be cute and ugly or hot and stupid? cute and ugly? lmfao ok 

Are you evil in any way? everyone is, more or less

Would you rather be a clown or a garbage man? can’t decide :D

Would you rather be a rockstar or a librarian? librarian but rock star ain’t that bad of a choice ;)

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE? again? I just got this question on ask today and that really made me anxious

Did you and your mum ever have a big fight that caused you to move out? sigh... Has the last person you kissed ever been to your house? yep but not to my room as I’m super ashamed of it, it’s not what I really want, it’s more like a storage room for mine and my mom’s things, I wish I could move and out and do what I want instead of cleaning this mess just to have it ruined days after, not that I have money now to fix things the way I imagine my bedroom to be someday :( Have you had a good day today or was yesterday better? yesterday was better but today I got a T-shirt so that was a good moment Do you have any plans for the upcoming weekend? hospital

Could you date someone very attractive, but who thought they were better than everyone else? blergh, r u kidding me?... Do you always feel like you’re making mistakes? constantly Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it? not because of me but someone somewhere definitely has that name on them for another reason How would you feel if you got the person you liked? I'm in a relationship Is there anyone who likes you? it seems If the last person you kissed saw you kissing someone else, would they be mad? of course  What’s the first thing you heard this morning? you mean a sound (doorbell) or words (I don’t remember)? If you fell pregnant to the last person you kissed, what would you think? not possible Are you young or old? young, at least according to my ID and being childish Are there always other fish in the sea? there are but maybe I don’t want them and/or they don’t want to be catched etc. What can your tongue do? pfft Do chickens have feelings? sorta Do you think the body is the most beautiful thing that was ever made? ...  So how are you feeling today? not good enough Where is your sister right now? don’t know nor care What do you smell like? it’s so hot, I smell like sweat and I can’t stand it but I can’t shower all day long What colour is your mum’s hair? grey  When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? last week Do you like fire? as an element of magic in fantasy movies  Does your mum vacuum early in the morning while you’re asleep? she’s noisy in different ways Does wearing glasses really make people look smart? that’s a lame stereotype Do your band-aids have cartoons on them? they’re useless but one time I bought Moomin ones because I’ve been walking through the store and they fallen right under my feet and there was nobody around nor the shelf/aisle that they could come from so it was weird and I love Moomins so I took them home (I paid) and they’re probably stored somewhere  Have you ever kissed someone you shouldn’t have? what do you mean? Who’s the funniest drunk person you know? my gf apparently - in a cute way - that’s surprising for a teetotalist like me  What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? my tee came! When was the last time you saw your father? he just left for work and I was waving to him through the window which is our tradition  What if your partner went through your cellphone? I have nothing to hide Has anyone ever been with you while you were throwing up? my parents and sister

Robert Downey Jr. — Bet you have a crush on him. he’s handsome but I’d prefer to be him instead of having a crush on sex I’m not attracted to

What would you do if you were to get stuck on a ski lift overnight? ... freeze? and pee myself Have you ever received an anonymous gift? one time when we were really poor that we couldn’t afford food someone left a package under our door, knocked and ran, bless this person whoever knew we have hard times :* What kind of laugh do you have? many kinds that happen randomly Will you have a Valentine next year? I have a bigger chance than any other year before  Macaroon or a cupcake? cupcake Did you kiss or hug anyone today? hug my mom and my dad too Are you currently waiting on someone to do something for you/to you? kinda Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? I’m not in an abusive relationship but I know those who are as it’s common and it’s really sad that ppl think only beating makes relationship toxic Are you planning on going anywhere with someone, some time today? I’ll stay home  Do you find your school to be loaded with hot guys or not so much? I remember E.W. once said that we have a lot of elves around because LOTR movie had very ugly ones as we did in high school, I tried to find that pic someone posted back in the day but I failed, it was from the council from what I remember 

Is there anyone you are currently trying to get out of trouble? Why? mostly I just keep my eye on my father and my mother all the time because of covid (and not only because of it) if that counts Are you plotting anything at the moment? another chapter of the book? Have you ever wanted your significant other to get rid of a friend? because they were evil to them, it wasn’t about ME If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? she moved out :3

Do you have a therapist? no longer Have you ever gotten a good grade in math class? yeah, in middle school I was getting awesome grades in math class What do you think of the last person you texted? we’re dating Have you ever gotten a bloody nose from snorting cocaine? I’ve never done cocaine wtf

Do you post pictures were you look good but your friends look bad? I ask them first  Are you friends with any of your exes? me and one of my exes are together Are you a whiskey person? I’m a no alcohol person

Has anyone ever made fun of your taste in music? tiny bit, wasn’t that bad

Have you ever overflown a bathtub? I have not Have you ever thrown food at a stranger in a movie theater? not in a movie theater Are you somewhat of a perfectionist? somewhat Do you like sour candy? by Lady Gaga  not eat Do you usually wear sunglasses when you’re driving? but I don’t drive Is there ever a time that you enjoy cold showers? brrrr no way Are you good at painting nails? am not but it doesn’t matter Are you good at filling silence in awkward situations? doubt it What word should you really probably remove from your vocabulary? kurwa Do you rip out the page if you make a mistake writing, or cross it out? cross it out, if I ripped the page then there would be nothing left  Do you use a full length mirror daily? we don’t own one Can you walk in heels, or do you feel awkward in them? I think they don’t match my style and they’re uncomfy in a long term Mac or PC? PC Will you tell someone if there’s something in their teeth? sorry but probably not Do you ever actually make your bed? when I have guests Do you make an effort to eat healthy? yup The last time you kissed someone, what color of shirt were they wearing? black, that’s easy What’s something you want to purchase next time you’re at the mall? food If you had to choose between a million dollars or to be able to change a regret? money because one regret won’t help me and even might make things worse Are you taller than your mom? almost 10 cm What would you do if your best friend told you they were moving today? my gf - break up  my dad - try to stop him or move out with him You’re locked in a room with the person you last kissed, problems? no problems  Do you have any ‘naughty’ photos on your phone? 0 Could you handle living with a male roommate? my dad, no one else What were you doing at 10:00 this morning? waking up Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed? who said we aren’t texting? Do you think you’ll actually live a happy life with somebody? don’t feed my paranoia Connection between you and the last person who messaged you? love Where is your biological father right now? bus/job already Who else is in the room with you? I’m alone Water with ice or no ice? no ice  Are you wrapped in a blanket? too hot for that

Has anyone done anything nice for you today? I’m thankful for all those nice things people do for me - big or small The last time you hung out with your sibling(s), what did you do? took a walk

Do you usually bring or buy a lunch for school? bring

The last time you had sex, was it in their bed or yours? their

How old were you when you figured out you were definitely straight, or bi, or whatever? middle school was the beginning 

Do you fit in at work or in school? I was always an outcast

Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, “Oh God, Ew.”? 99% of time

Have you ever cried at a real wedding? nope

Is there someone you need to forgive? *annoyed sound*

What’s your brother(s) / sister(s) names? personal

Suppose you saw your crush/bf/gf kissing another girl/guy, what would you do? why tho

What is your favorite color for bridesmaid dresses? whatever bridesmaid wanna wear besides white

Do you have a secret crush right now? it’s no secret

Do you know anyone who doesn’t want to have kids? me

Would you rather visit Tokyo or Paris? dunno

Do you think you would like living in New York or Chicago? Why or why not? too overcrowded/loud etc.

Name 3 celebrities who are the same height as you. Lady Gaga, Ellen Page, Reese Witherspoon

Are you happy with your height? I’d like to be taller, not too much tho

Do you have big or small hands? small

Have you been baptized?  I have been 

Have you ever been abused in any way? sadly

Do you like unicorns? they’re fine

Is there one book you have read over and over again because it’s so good? if so, which is it? I don’t reread books

Do you play games on your phone a lot? recently I became obsessed with LOVE ISLAND game 

Have you ever had to put out a kitchen fire? my mom took care of it but it wasn’t a big deal tbh

Have you ever been kidnapped? wut

Do you have anything glow in the dark in your room? stars

Do you wear a scarf, if so, what does it look like? not rn

Is there a video or computer game that you can get lost in for hours? mhm but not too long

Do you get breadsticks with your pizza? breadsticks and pizza? it’s like bread with bread - no thx

Did you ever have a waterbed? I hate those

What toy from your childhood do you miss? rubber toys?

Did you sleep in late today? yes

When was the last time you were disappointed? this day

Do you like listening to love songs? I like a variety of music which includes love songs

In your group of friends, are you the smart one, athletic one, etc.? funny mom friend... ok, fine, a dad because my puns are daddy jokes

Has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you? no but they said bad things about me behind my back

Did you ever watch the show Full House? with my sister What was the last thing that scared you? how I feel physically Do the librarians at your library know you by name? they do

What ten people would you most likely bring on a roadtrip? 10 ppl?! shoot me...

Is there anything you’re really stressed out about right now? health issues

What was the last thing that made you cry? I’m about to cry...

What are the last three songs you listened to? Crystal Castles - Suffocation  frnkiero andthe cellabration - neverenders  Major Lazer - Be Together (Feat. Wild Belle)

[shrimpfriedr1ce]

So I’m gonna speak up. #HijoAko

!!!Trigger Warning!!!

3 years ago. I learned that anyone can manipulate you into doing what they want. And I learned it the hard way. I’m not really read to call him out yet, but I want to share my experience and let people know that I sympathize.

LONG VERSION (Skip to AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA for the short version)

Prior to these events. I’ve been avoiding Jerick. I felt like our friendship was getting.. a bit too toxic. He’d coax me to come over and with food since he lives nearby. He openly admitted it in a conversation with my friend saying “Oh, you want him to come over? Just tell him you have food. Easy.”

He’d find excuses to come over to my place (we both live alone) with statements like “I bought too much food, can I come over?”. He claims he’s depressed and that he has panic attacks. I remember he had 2 panic attacks on 2 separate classes. So a little part of me thought he was faking it so I would feel soft for him and take care of him. But at the same time.. what if he wasn’t? Worst case scenario, it’s real. So naturally, I’d do what any person would do and look after him.

I remember one time, it was our finals for one of our programming classes; GDEVDAT (idk what it meant. Game DEVelopment DATa???). He asked me to come over since he had food and so he could help me with the finals. I was in a bit of a struggle, so why not. I came over and the moment I setup my laptop he insisted that we played DoTA til well into the night. My software wasn’t working properly. So I stopped playing and asked him if he could help me fix it. He looked a little disappointed because I didn’t want to play anymore. Needless to say, it was a silent room for 2 hours. Then I walked back home at 4 am. A part of me that time felt like I wasted my time. I felt like, as the gamers call it -baited- into coming over.

He would tell me to stay away from my circle of friends since they were not his kind of crowd. He’d point out my friends’ flaws and say mean things about them. I’m not gonna drop their names, but they know who they are. So me being me, I believed him. I could see his point and thought “huh, he’s right”. Before I knew it, I was closer to him than I was to my friends. Before long, I began.. protecting him. He’d have suicidal thoughts, I’d come rushing over. He needed company, I was already there. I knew something was up at this point. Which brings me back to my disclaimer. I started avoiding him.

It felt tiring and I couldn’t get time to myself because.. well, yeah. He kept guilt tripping me into meeting up.

So here’s where it got.. fucked up.

I remember coming home after buying a mop ‘cuz my friends were gonna’ sleepover so I planned to clean before they arrived the next day (we had an overnight event at school). I then received multiple messages on facebook telling me to take care of Jerick because he was attempting a suicide. He lived nearby, so I laced up my shoes and went to his place. I come over and there are just.. guards from our school in front of his flat. I ask if they’re there for Jerick. They said said yes. But they couldn’t enter because the landlord said only the Jerick could let us in. He was pissed drunk. Moments later he comes down drunk as hell and the landlord lets us in. He smelled like vodka. Me and who I assume is the commanding officer lifted, L I F T E D –this guy was 3 times my size– back to his unit. I tell the officer that I’ll handle things. So they leave. Leaving me and Jerick alone. BAD IDEA Vince. We sat quietly in the room. I looked around, forcing to look for something to break the silence. I had a cigarette. Sat down and asked him why he had a condom on his table. He said he hooked up with a guy but he finished super fast. I deadass said “huh, maybe I should keep a condom. I heard it’s good luck for guys” at this point 2020 Me is telling 2017 me to stfu. He told me if I wanted to get my dick sucked, he was right there. He tried to pull down my shorts and force himself on me (we were sitting on the bed btw, i know. my bad). I pushed him over and he stopped. He then passed out. I sat there for a good 5 mins. Processing what just happened. I thought to myself, should I report this? or just keep it to myself? I left a note saying that I would stay quiet. I come back to my room and pass out.

He messages me the next morning saying what happened. I of course, decided to keep quiet. I didn’t want to talk to him because.. it felt weird. He says he doesn’t remember anything and what was it that I didn’t wanna tell anyone. Remember we had  an event at school? I told him personally. He said he was sorry and that he was drunk etc. I let it slide.

Fucked up #2. MAJOR. MAJOR. MAJOR. TRIGGER WARNING. I SWEAR TO GOD JUST SKIP THIS IF YOU’RE EASILY TRIGGERED BY SUICIDE. I’LL MARK IT  WITH “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” IF IT’S DONE. JUST. OKAY?

Same events occur. Messages telling me to go to Jerick. Ayt. Cool.  So I rush over to his place. I see you asking “How you gonna get in through the main gate?” I got lucky. Someone was gonna enter the same time as me. I reached his door and the lights were off. Pitch black. Sketchy. I went in. His place wasn’t that big. So I went in and saw a silhouette of him standing on the window about to jump. I coax him to come down and sit down and talk. He said he felt abandoned and that I wasn’t there to help him. And how it was my fault that he felt sad. THEN HE OFFERS TO BUY ME DINNER..?? AT ARISTOCRAT?? if you’re a Filipino and from Manila. You know.

We talk over dinner and he confessed that he only kept talking to me because he wanted to make a female friend of mine jealous. WE WERE LAUGHING THE NIGHT AWAY. And I come  back to my unit. And think.. DID I JUST GET FUCKING PLAYED AGAIN?????????? I sat on my bed puzzling  the scheme that was the attempted suicide.

Issue 1.) WHY THE FUCK WAS HIS DOOR CONVENIENTLY UNLOCKED??  I mean.. everyone locks their front door. You lock it. You always lock it.

Issue 2.) Did he fake a suicide attempt.. JUST TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME?

Issue 3.)  I got played.

At this point. I avoided him altogether. Facebook, Twitter and his number.

I learned later that same year, I wasn’t the only victim. And that he too chose to keep it to himself.

I’ve had trouble believing people since. I’ve had trouble getting attached to people because of the vulnerability or what might happen.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

It’s been 3 years since this incident. And I’ve never publicly talked about this issue. I was scared. I was scared of what would happen to him if I accused him of sexual assault. A mom and dad would lose their child, and a person’s hopes and dreams would be unreachable. It was also hard for me to talk about it because.. I felt easily dismissed but at the same time, I didn’t want to dwell on a topic that brought  back memories as bad as this one.

I decided to just keep it to myself and hope he becomes a better person. I thought I could just put a tough face on and power through the day. It’s not like that. I’ve developed a fear of trusting people and being overly attached. And for a short time, developed a sick and twisted mindset. At one point, I resented gay people. I thought “what if all of them are as manipulative as him?” –I no longer do of course. I’ve grown past the stereotyping, and I’ve met wonderful people of the LGBT+ community.

Okay, the thing is. Sexual Assault and Gas Lighting.. are bad. In a word, they’re bad. In more words, it’s.. I don’t know. I felt like a dog who had to obey their master. A dog who was at the mercy of their master so I could eat and be able to speak when I’m allowed to. At the same time, I felt like I was just another chunk of  meat for someone’s pleasure. It’s like I wasn’t human. I wasn’t a guy who goes to school, plays video games and watches anime. I was just another guy on Jerick’s list of people he’d want to get on top of.

#HijoAko

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 41

Chapter Summary -  The Gorilla suit segment has come and gone and Tom wants Danielle's opinion, which she gives. They also discuss the future more, and though it is early in their relationship, they set out what they want in a relationship, which thankfully, seems to suit the other.

Previous Chapter 

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog  @jessibelle-nerdy-mum @nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller @fairlightswiftly @salempoe @lys-syl @youcantcatchafallingstar

If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.

Tom – I am not sure when you will get to see the interview, let me know what you think when you do. x

Tom pressed send and lay back on the bed, reading over the lines for his voice work he would continue in the morning. When his phone went off, he thought it was Luke, and answered. “Well, do you approve?”

There was a moment of laughing before a voice came on. “I loved it.”

He leant forward. “Elle?”

“Obviously, didn’t you check your caller ID?”

“Honestly, no. I thought you were Luke.”

“Well, sadly I am not; I am just me.”

“I happen to like ‘just’ you.” He smiled.

“I happen to like you too.” She smiled back.

“So the gorilla suit did not turn you off?”

“No, it was weird but fun.”

“Well, I have some bad news.” There was silence on the other end of the line. “Elle?”

“What, what is it?” she sounded terrified.

“It’s gone.”

“The suit?”

“The longer hair and facial hair.”

“No!”

“I’m sorry, darling.”

“Why?”

“Because of work.”

“But it is stupid o’clock in the night there, how the hell did you get a barber.”

“It’s LA, darling, anything is available at any time, so long as you flash the cash.”

“I am not talking to you now.” Danielle declared.

“Elle…” Silence met his plea. “Darling…”

“Stop calling me that, you are in the dog house.” She stated petulantly.

“Elle…”

“Not interested.”

“When I get home, you won’t be able to ignore me.”

“That sounds kinky.” She seemed to forget her annoyance for a moment.

“It was not meant to be, but clearly you like it, so it’s a promise now.” he grinned. “I wish it didn’t have to be so long.”

“You are going checking on little children in a war-torn area of Africa, I am safe here at home, go get the world looking at them, help them, Tom, we can have fun when we come home, at least you get to leave again, they don’t.”

“You should come out as a healthcare working for a week, they could do with you and your big heart.”

“I am not a nurse or doctor, emergency care is far less of an issue in those camps, they need vaccines and food and shelter, not me,” She dismissed.

“How is Mum?”

“Your mom is great, there has been no more about the incident, she’s acting as she always did, but Emma…she’s a little pissed at the moment.”

“Why?”

“Because her friend is fucking her brother.”

“She doesn’t own you; I am not stealing you from her.”

“I know love, but it’s weird for her, she is just worried. I feel guilty, I had not thought of her, she will feel odd in this, even if we were to be happily married with a couple of kids, it is weird for her.” Danielle commented.

“Three.”

“What?”

“I want three kids.”

“I thought you said you hated being in that situation, with two sisters.”

“And Emma hated being six years younger, that’s true.” Tom conceded

“So two then, close together?”

“Or four,” Tom argued, the grin on his face obvious through the phone, “it’s all about problem-solving, Darling.”

“For the record, I am not interested in having more kids than I have hands to hold onto them.”

“You’re an only child, you don’t understand the need for siblings, and don’t twins run in your family?”

“Don’t even joke about that; and I was happy as an only child, everyone I knew with siblings seemed to be fit to kill them as often as they were happy.” She commented. “Are we really having ‘that conversation’ already, from across the world?”

“I think we are.” Tom grinned. “So, what else would you like, given the chance?”

“If it was with you?”

“Assume all of this is us thinking aloud about where we want this to go, what we want from this aspect of our lives.”

“I know you can’t leave London, you need to be close to there at least.” She sounded slightly unhappy about that.

“You rather not live in the city?”

“I am a country mouse.”

“Leafy suburb then; with parks for Mac and good schools, good compromise?”

“Yes, and not too far from Ben and Sophie.”

“North London it is so.”

“That’s more expensive, though.”

“The best places usually are.”

“And my place?”

“Well, that is up to you. It would be great to have a place so close to mums, but if we did both live in London when we would visit, she would be adamant we stay with her.”

“This is all very mature and long-term talk for this hour.”

“It’s only midnight here?”

“And eight in the morning here.”

“Are you getting anxious and changing the topic?”

“No…”

“Elle?”

“I want my furniture.” She answered childishly.

“I would never argue that.” He smiled, knowing she was just slightly scared. “When the time is right, would you want to move in with me?”

“I think so.”

“‘Think’?”

“I never lived with a guy before.”

“What?”

“Bar my dad, I never lived with a guy.”

“Why?”

“Just the way it was because my parents lived a bus journey from college, I stayed with them for that.”

“That’s, wow, seriously? You seem alright with me being there.”

“I have had a boyfriend before, thank you, staying overnight isn’t hard.”

“So your first time living away from home was in Suffolk, in your own house.” She hummed in confirmation. “That must have been hard, you never said anything.”

“I did, several times, to your mum and Emma anyway; but you, I don’t recall it coming up with us.”

“I wish I spent more time around you before now.”

“Well, there’s no need to worry about it, it’s the past.” Danielle dismissed. “So, when are the Grammy nominations out?”

“Soon enough.”

“Do you think you have a chance?” She asked excitedly.

“As much as I know this is a diversion tactic, I am going to allow it. I know The Night Manager as a whole has a good chance.”

“And you?”

“I am not sure.”

“I loved it.”

“It had my ass on display; you have made it clear you love anything as long as my ass is involved.”

“It is a most delectable derriere.” Danielle agreed.

“I hope I get it.”

“It is a good possibility.”

“Not a shoo-in?” Tom inquired.

“You can never say for definite, someone could pay off a judge.” She commented.

“And if no one does?”

“If no one pays off a judge, and if you are nominated, I would place a bet on you.”

“You’re not much of a gambler.”

“Not usually, but 2016 was a good year for you love.”

“Really?” Tom asked sceptically.

“I refuse to acknowledge any of that stuff as negative anymore.”

“I don’t follow.”

“Don’t let negative and toxic people rent space in your head, raise the rent and kick them out.”

Tom chuckled, “Where did you find that?”

“Random quote on Facebook, but I am using it. You went out with Taylor, I assume you had some fun, you went to some nice places, it happened, it’s over, nothing more, nothing less. I don’t care, it was before us, now we have us, so in all, it looks like you had a good enough year.”

“Some parts were definitely better than others, but overall, yes, it was a good year.”

“So, The Night Manager is of 2016, and as such, will do well.” She smiled.

“Elle.”

“Yes, Tom.”

“I cannot wait to come home, and when I do, I cannot wait to show you how much I love and miss you.”

“I look forward to it.”

“Are you at work?”

“I am,” She sighed. “I hope to have the weekend off when you come back from Sudan.”

“And if not?”

“I am stuck working I’m afraid. But the good news is, I’m off longer for Christmas now, we are ahead of schedule.”

“Where are you based?”

“At home.”

“I mean for the shoot.”

“Wales, some random spot in the middle of nowhere.”

“Is there a possibility I could come to you?”

“What if you are seen?”

“Elle…”

“I am just scared.”

“Who will notice me?”

“The cast and crew.”

“Will they care?”

“Probably not, I mean we do have actual famous people here.” She joked, giggling down the phone.

“Excuse you, and what am I?” she just giggled in response for a moment.

“When are you off to Sudan?”

“Wednesday.”

“Promise me you will try to be safe, and try to keep that really nice smile on for those kids.”

“What smile?”

“The one that lights up your eyes and gives you wrinkles around them, the one that makes others around you smile, they need that.”

“I will do my best.”

“I love you, Tom, promise me you will email or text if you get a chance, even just the words ‘It’s Hot’.”

“I will do so every day.”

“Whenever you get a chance will suffice, goodnight Tom.”

“I love you too Elle, I cannot wait until I get back and we get to have fun over Christmas, goodnight, darling,” he smiled, hanging up the phone, he lay on his pillow and smiled sadly to himself, hating that it would be a couple of weeks before he saw her again.

#tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston fic #I Hate You I Love You #chapter 41

[bountyofbeads]

I Worked for Alex Jones. I Regret It. https://nyti.ms/2PiTeFr

This piece by former InfoWars "video reporter" (?) Josh Owens reveals all the insanity you'd expect but also the pathetic sadness of those who continue to enable, peddle, and profit from his malicious lies.

Confession is good for the soul, but I'm trying to get my head around the fact that the author continued to work for Alex Jones for several YEARS after the latter made his vile claims about Sandy Hook.

Josh Owens was drawn to #InfoWars while "vulnerable, angry & searching for direction"; after 4 years w/Alex Jones, he saw "virulent nature of his world." Read if you can stomach Jones' deeply disturbing behavior. This model has infected right-wing media.

Josh Owens is a seriously good writer. Too bad he didn't make the subject of this piece himself. Why was he angry, why did he stay with Jones so long, how did he feel as he did his work? These unexamined questions are the heart of the story, not how disturbed a plainly disturbed man Jones is.

"Owens admits that his personal mental and emotional issues led him to Jones. We should be glad for him, that he found the strength to recognize it, address it, and walk away from a bad situation. Owens shouldn't be vilified for his past mistakes, but celebrated for his return. Prodigal son, no? But forgiveness does not imply absolution."

"This can't be the end of the road. As he is responsible for a lot of anguish and grief. Is he even an accessory to murder? The pain that he enabled will live on in families for decades and become part of our national fabric. How does he intend to make amends? This written catharsis is a good first step, but it's only a first step. Is he the little girl in the airplane, seeing the world for the first time? What does he intend to do with this revelation, and fix the damage he has done?"

"At 23, Josh Owens quit film school to work as a video editor for Alex Jones. This is his account of the years he spent within the Infowars empire." /1

"At first, he found it easy to brush off Alex Jones’s fever dreams as eccentricities and excesses. But he eventually found that he had his limits." /2

"Once, at a private ranch, Owens said, Alex Jones picked up an AR-15 and accidentally fired it in the writer’s direction. The bullet hit the ground about 10 feet away from him, he recalled. Jones claimed he had intentionally fired the gun as a joke, he said."/3

“Over time, I came to learn that keeping Jones from getting angry was a big part of the job, though it was impossible to predict his outbursts,” he writes."/4

“There was a time when I shared his anger. In fact, I was still angry. But this is where we differed: I wasn’t angry with others; I was angry with myself. And once I realized that, it was easier to walk away”/5

I WORKED FOR ALEX JONES. I REGRET IT.

I dropped out of film school to edit video for the conspiracy theorist because I believed in his worldview. Then I saw what it did to people.

By Josh Owens | Published Dec. 5, 2019 | New York Times Magazine | Posted December 6, 2019 |

On Election Day 2016, I sat in the passenger seat of Alex Jones’s Dodge Hellcat as we swerved through traffic, making our way to a nearby polling place. As Jones punched the gas pedal to the floor, the smell of vodka, like paint thinner, wafted up from the white Dixie cup anchored in the console. My stomach churned as the phone I held streamed live video to Facebook: Jones rambling about voter fraud and rigged elections while I stared at the screen, holding the camera at an angle to hide his double chin. It rarely worked, but I didn’t want to be blamed when he watched the video later.

Four years earlier, Jones — wanting to expand his website, Infowars, into a full-blown guerrilla news operation and hoping to scout new hires from his growing fan base — held an online contest. At 23, I was vulnerable, angry and searching for direction, so I decided to give it a shot. Out of what Infowars said were hundreds of submissions, my video — a half-witted, conspiratorial glance at the creation and function of the Federal Reserve — made it to the final round.

Unconvinced I could cut it as a reporter, Jones offered me a full-time position as a video editor. I quit film school and moved nearly a thousand miles to Austin, Tex., fully invested in propagating his worldview. By the time I found myself seated next to Jones speeding down the highway, I had seen enough of the inner workings of Infowars to know better.

Before we left the office, Jones instructed me to title the video “Alex Jones Denied Right to Vote” when uploading to YouTube. He knew before we left that they wouldn’t let us walk into a polling location with our cameras rolling. I don’t think Jones even intended to vote. Rather, he hoped to turn this into a spectacle, an insult to him personally, another opportunity to play the self-aggrandizing victim.

“Look at this great city shot,” he said pointing out the window at Austin’s skyline. As soon as I pulled the camera off him, he reached for the white Dixie cup. Is this really how I’m going to die? I thought to myself, imagining the scene: Jones veering too close to the guardrail, ranting about George Soros and Hillary Clinton. Sirens echoing in the distance, flashing lights reflecting off oil-soaked pavement as he grabs the camera and utters his final words, “Hillary ... rigged ... the car.” His listeners would have believed it. Years earlier, I would have believed it.

Fortunately, there were no sirens or flashing lights, and I was relieved when “Vote Here” signs began to appear. A line stretched out the door of the polling place, in a local strip mall, by the time we arrived. As I expected, Jones was told multiple times that he couldn’t film at a polling place, and he decided to leave. Walking back to the car, still taking sips from his white cup, he began noticeably slurring his words. A friend of Jones’s who tagged along — for “security purposes” — offered to give me a ride back to the office. Jones revved his engine, tires squealing as he sped out of the parking lot.

I began listening to Jones’s radio show — the flagship program of what is now a conspiracist media empire with an audience that until recently surpassed a million people — in the last days of George W. Bush’s presidency. The American public had been sold a war through outright fabrications; the economy was in free fall thanks to Wall Street greed and the failure of Washington regulators. Most of the mainstream media was caught flat-footed by these developments, but Jones seemed to have an explanation for everything. He railed against government corruption and secrecy, the militarization of police. He confronted those in power, traipsed through the California redwoods to expose the secretive all-male meeting of elites at Bohemian Grove and even appeared in two Richard Linklater films as himself, screaming into a megaphone.

But it wasn’t the politics that initially drew me in. Jones had a way of imbuing the world with mystery, adding a layer of cinematic verisimilitude that caught my attention. Suddenly, I was no longer a bored kid attending an overpriced art school. I was Fox Mulder combing through the X-Files, Rod Serling opening a door to the Twilight Zone, even Rosemary Woodhouse convinced that the neighbors were members of a ritualistic cult. I believed that the world was strategically run by a shadowy, organized cabal, and that Jones was a hero for exposing it.

I had my limits. I can’t say I ever believed his avowed theory that Sandy Hook was a staged event to push for gun control; to Jones, everything was a “false flag.” I didn’t believe that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama smelled like sulfur because of their proximity to hell or that Planned Parenthood was run by “Nazi baby killers.” But it was easy to brush off these fever dreams as eccentricities and excesses — not the heart of the Alex Jones operation but mere diversions.

Once I started working there, however, it became obvious that one was impossible to separate one from the other. Soon after I was hired, Jones’s Infowars-branded store — which sells emergency-survival foods, water filters, body armor and much more — introduced an iodine supplement, initially marketed as a “shield” against nuclear fallout. Still learning the ropes, I was tasked with creating video advertisements for the supplement, which he ran on his online TV show. One of these ads started with a shot of the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant as it exploded. I doubled the sound of the explosion, adding a glitch filter and sirens in the background for dramatic effect. Jones stood over my shoulder as I edited. “This is great,” he said. “See if you can find flyover footage of Chernobyl as well.”

Shortly after Jones began selling the supplements, someone posted a video on YouTube holding a Geiger counter displaying high radiation readings on a beach in Half Moon Bay, Calif. The video went viral, stoking fears that radiation from Fukushima was drifting across the Pacific Ocean. Jones saw an opportunity and sent me, along with a reporter, a writer and another cameraman, to California. We had multiple Geiger counters shipped overnight, unaware of how to read or work them, and drove up the West Coast, frequently stopping to check radiation levels. Other than a small spike in Half Moon Bay — which the California Department of Public Health said was from naturally occurring radioactive materials, not Fukushima — we found nothing.

Jones was furious. We started getting calls from the radio-show producers in the office, warning us to stop posting videos to YouTube stating we weren’t finding elevated levels of radiation. We couldn’t just stop, though; Jones demanded constant real-time content. On some of these calls, I could hear Jones screaming in the background. One of the producers told me they had never seen him so angry.

We scrambled to find something, anything we could report on. We tested freshly caught crab from a dock in Crescent City, Calif., and traveled to the Diablo Canyon nuclear plant in Avila Beach, asking fishermen if we could test the small croakers they caught off a nearby pier. We even tried to locate a small nuclear-waste facility just so we could capture the Geiger counter displaying a high number. But we couldn’t find what Jones wanted, and after two weeks of traveling from San Diego to Portland, we flew back to Texas as failures, bracing for Jones’s rage. (Jones did not respond to detailed queries sent before publication by The Times Magazine.)

Over time, I came to learn that keeping Jones from getting angry was a big part of the job, though it was impossible to predict his outbursts. Stories abounded among my co-workers: The blinds stuck, so he ripped them off the wall. A water cooler had mold in it, so he grabbed a large knife, stabbed the plastic base wildly and smashed it on the ground. Headlines weren’t strong enough; the news wasn’t being covered the way he wanted; reporters didn’t know how to dress properly. Once a co-worker stopped by the office with a pet fish he was taking home to his niece. It swam in circles in a small, transparent bag. When Jones saw the bag balanced upright on a desk in the conference room, he emptied it into a garbage can. On one occasion, he threatened to send out a memo banning laughter in the office. “We’re in a war,” he said, and he wanted people to act accordingly.

I also saw Jones give an employee the Rolex off his own wrist, simply because he thought the employee was mad at him. “Now, would a bad guy do that?” Jones asked as he handed over the watch. Once, when I went to interview a frequent guest of Jones’s, I was sent with a check to cover a potentially lifesaving cancer treatment. A few times I came close to quitting, and like clockwork, just before I pulled the plug, I received a bonus or significant raise. I hadn’t discussed my discontent with Jones, but he seemed to sense it.

Jones often told his employees that working for him would leave a black mark on our records. To him, it was the price that must be paid for boldly confronting those in power — what he called the New World Order or, later, the deep state. Once my beliefs began to shift, I saw the virulent nature of his world, the emptiness and loathing in many of those impassioned claims. But I was certain that after four years working for Jones, I would never be able to get another job — banished into poverty as penance for my transgressions, and rightly so.

When Jones wanted to blow off steam, we would travel to a private ranch outside Austin to shoot guns. Among other firearms, we would bring the two Barrett .50-caliber rifles he kept stashed in the office. Because we never missed an opportunity to create more content, we also brought along cameras to turn whatever happened into a segment for his show.

I remember one trip in particular. It was the summer of 2014, and I rode to the ranch in the back of a co-worker’s truck, surrounded by semiautomatic rifles, boxes of ammunition and Tannerite, an explosive rifle target. A few of us left early in the morning, arriving before Jones to film B-roll and load magazines; he had no patience for preparation. When he came hours later, after eating a few handfuls of jalapeño chips, he picked up an AR-15 and accidentally fired it in my direction.

The bullet hit the ground about 10 feet away from me. One employee, who was already uncomfortable around firearms, lost it, accusing Jones of being careless and flippant. This was one of the few times I saw someone call Jones out and the only time he didn’t get angry in response. He claimed he had intentionally fired the gun as a joke — as if this were any better.

I stood by silently, considering what might have happened if the gun had been pointed a little to the right. After a while the upset employee let it go, and no one brought it up again. We cracked open a few more beers, filled an old television with Tannerite and blew it up.

One weekend, a few people from the office went hunting at a game reserve. On the following Monday, I was handed a hard drive full of video files and told to edit them for Jones to air on his show later in the week. “There are clips in here that are pretty bad, things we don’t want to get out, so let me take a look at this before we upload it,” one of my managers said.

The first video I clicked on came from a cellphone. The camera pans across a blood-covered floor in what looked like a garage. Dead animals were scattered about: eyes lifeless, tongues hanging from their mouths, crimson streaks splashed on their fur.

In another video, a bison grazed quietly in the shade of a large tree; it reminded me of a tableau at the American Museum of Natural History. Then the camera panned over to Jones, maybe 20 yards away, holding what looked like a handgun. Jones began firing at the bison, tufts of hair flying with every hit. The animal remained standing as Jones shot round after round. Finally, the hunting guide yelled at Jones to stop and handed him a high-caliber rifle. Jones took a moment to make sure the cameras were still recording and fired a few more rounds as the animal finally collapsed.

I shared a large room with three other employees, and Jones often walked into our office after he wrapped for the day. His first question was always “How was the show?” If anyone said it was great — someone, if not everyone, always said it was great — his response was the same. “Really?” he would say, moving over to their side of the room. “Did you really think it was great? What did you like about it?”

Working for Jones was a balancing act. You had to determine where he was emotionally and match his tone quickly. If he was angry, then you had better get angry. If he was joking around, then you could relax, sort of, always looking out of the corner of your eye for his mood to turn at any moment.

Late one night, after an extended live broadcast, Jones walked into my office shirtless. This was normal; he removed his shirt frequently around us. He pulled out a bottle of Grey Goose from a storage cabinet and filled his cup. He stumbled into his private restroom, changed into a clean black polo shirt and stepped back into our office. “Hit me,” he said to an employee in the room. When the employee refused, Jones got louder, his face redder. “Hit me!” He kept saying it, getting closer each time. Finally, knowing Jones would never relent, the employee gave him a weak tap on the shoulder.

“Oh, come on,” he said, “hit me harder!”

The employee punched him hard in the shoulder. Jones grunted on impact, seeming to enjoy the pain. Then, it was his turn. Smirking, he planted his feet, reared back and lunged his body weight forward as his fist connected with the man’s arm. I could hear the dull thud of impact, then a wincing sigh. They traded a few more punches, each time seeming less playful. Jones became wild-eyed, spit flying from his clenched teeth as he exhaled. On his last hit, the sound was different. Wet. I thought I could hear the meat split open in the employee’s arm. Jones roared as he punched a cabinet, denting the door in. A few weeks later, I heard that Jones had broken a video editor’s ribs after playing the same game in a downtown bar.

Having aligned himself with Donald Trump during the 2016 presidential race, Jones might now be considered a version of a conservative, but his perspective is much more complicated than that. Infowars was like a lot of digital-media outlets, in that we reported on the things our top editor thought would go viral. But because our boss was Alex Jones, this was a peculiar process. Assignments were often handed down live on the air during his show. We were to have it playing throughout the office, always listening for directives. Ideas for stories mostly came from what other news outlets reported. Jones wanted us to “hijack” the mainstream media’s coverage and use it to our advantage. If it fit into the Infowars narrative, it played.

When I wasn’t at the office, I spent much of my time traveling for Jones. I inhaled the tear gas in Ferguson, Mo., during the Black Lives Matter protests, retching as I hid with protesters, corralled by cops in riot gear. I stood next to armed cowboys and ranch hands as they faced off against the Bureau of Land Management to retrieve Cliven Bundy’s cattle in Nevada. I had dinner with the leader of the Nation of Islam, Louis Farrakhan, at his home in Phoenix and spent a weekend at the compound of Jim Bakker, the televangelist who spent time in prison for fraud. Jones’s instinctual desire to distance himself from the mainstream led us to unusual and sometimes dark places.

In December 2015, the day before Jones interviewed Donald Trump, still a candidate at the time, on his radio show, I made my way to upstate New York on assignment, along with a reporter and second cameraman. We were sent to visit Muslim-majority communities throughout the United States to investigate what Jones instructed us to call “the American Caliphate.” After the California Geiger-counter debacle, we had meetings with Jones before trips in order to ascertain exactly what he wanted. If we “hit some home runs,” he said, we would get significant bonuses.

We landed in Newark at 12:30 p.m. on Dec. 1, 2015. The first stop was Islamberg, a Muslim community three hours north of Manhattan. It was founded in the 1980s by mostly African-American followers of a Pakistani cleric named Mubarik Ali Shah Gilani, who encouraged devotees of his conservative brand of Sufi Islam to establish small settlements across the rural United States. Gilani was suspected of association with the organization Jamaat ul-Fuqra, which was briefly designated as a terrorist group by the State Department in the 1990s; Gilani has denied any connection to the group. His followers in Islamberg had no record of violence, and some of them had denounced the Islamic State in an interview with Reuters earlier that year, saying they didn’t believe Islamic State members to be real Muslims. But unfounded rumors circulated around far-right corners of the internet that this community was a potential terrorist-training center. Jones, who thought the media consistently ingratiated themselves with Islamic extremists, believed them.

We pulled in, unannounced, to a dirt drive leading to the community, stopping at a flimsy cattle gate guarded by two men. The reporter, wearing a hidden camera, approached the entrance as we filmed the interaction from the vehicle. The men were calm and polite, if a little suspicious — reasonable given the circumstances. They denied our entry into Islamberg but took our number and told us we could return after they verified who we were.

It was only later, after listening to the audio from the reporter’s hidden camera, that I heard what he told the two men guarding the gate. “Basically, what we do is, we go around, and we do videos debunking claims of stuff,” the reporter said. “The word is, people say this is some kind of training camp, so we wanted to come in and get some footage and kind of put that whole rumor to rest.”

He gave them his real name — a name that, with a quick Google search, would lead back to Infowars, with its headlines like “Inside Sources: Bin Laden’s Corpse Has Been on Ice for Nearly a Decade,” “Special Report: Why Obama Brought Ebola to U.S. Exposed” and “VIDEO: ‘Demon’ Caught on Camera During Obama Visit?” Those headlines could be described by many words, but none of them would be “debunking.”

Because of the conspiracy theories about the place, Islamberg was a constant target of right-wing extremists. That April, a Tennessee man was arrested and later convicted of plotting to raise a militia to burn Islamberg’s mosque to the ground. Only days before we arrived, the F.B.I. issued an alert to law enforcement to be on the lookout for a man named Jon Ritzheimer, the leader of an anti-Muslim movement in Arizona who posted a video threatening violence against Muslims less than two weeks earlier. In the video, he brandished a handgun, saying: “I’m urging all Americans across the U.S. everywhere in public, start carrying a slung rifle with you, everywhere. Don’t be a victim in your own country.”

So the phone call we received later that night from a law-enforcement agent shouldn’t have come as a surprise. The officer who contacted us said he simply wanted to verify who we were after receiving a concerned call from someone in Islamberg. We told Jones about it, and he chose to believe the call was a veiled threat, an attempt to intimidate us into silence. To him, this verified that we were onto something. He even went so far as to include Michael Bloomberg, the former mayor of New York City, in the purported conspiracy, claiming he wanted to abolish the Second Amendment — and that somehow intimidating us would achieve that.

Jones told us to file a story that accused the police of harassment, lending credence to the theory that this community contained dangerous, potential terrorists. I knew this wasn’t the case according to the information we had. We all did. Days before, we spoke to the sheriff and the mayor of Deposit, N.Y., a nearby municipality. They both told us the people in Islamberg were kind, generous neighbors who welcomed the surrounding community into their homes, even celebrating holidays together.

The information did not meet our expectations, so we made it up, preying on the vulnerable and feeding the prejudices and fears of Jones’s audience. We ignored certain facts, fabricated others and took situations out of context to fit our narrative, posting headlines like:

Drone Investigates Islamic Training Center

Shariah Law Zones Confirmed in America

Infowars Reporters Stalked by Terrorism Task Force

Report: Obama’s Terror Cells in the U.S.

The Rumors Are True: Shariah Law Is Here!

Our next stop was Hamtramck, a Muslim-majority city embedded within Detroit that alarmists in neighboring communities called Shariahville. As we headed west, my phone vibrated, and a news alert appeared on the screen. There were reports that a mass shooting that week in San Bernardino, Calif., had been perpetrated by Islamic extremists, making it at the time the deadliest Islamic attack in the United States since Sept. 11.

I knew that when the details emerged, they would substantiate the lies we pushed to Jones’s audience. It didn’t matter if the attack took place on the other side of the country or if the people in Islamberg had no connection to the perpetrators in San Bernardino. Jones’s listeners would draw imaginary lines between the two, and we were helping them do it.

I quit working for Jones on April 7, 2017. When offered another job, an introductory position with a 75 percent pay cut, I jumped at the opportunity. Instead of giving two weeks’ notice, I left in three hours. Jones had gone home for the day, so I didn’t speak with him in person. I said goodbye to co-workers and managers, handed over my company credit card and hoped that would be the end of it. Two nights later, I received a call from Jones: “Let me tell you a little secret,” he said in his gravelly voice. “I don’t like it anymore, either.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I don’t want to do it anymore,” he said, “and I got all these people working for me, and you know, then I feel guilty. I don’t want to do it. You think I want to keep doing this? I haven’t wanted to do this for five years, man.” I sensed that he was pandering, but I couldn’t help thinking that for the first time since I started this job, Jones and I finally had something in common. Sure, there was a time when I shared his anger. In fact, I was still angry. But this is where we differed: I wasn’t angry with others; I was angry with myself. And once I realized that, it was easier to walk away. When I left, I tried to put myself in his shoes, to figure out why he said and did the things he did. At times I saw a different side to Jones, one that was vulnerable, desiring validation and acceptance. Then he would say something so vile and callous it became impossible to look past it.

Even though I was no longer beholden to Jones for financial security, I couldn’t be honest about how I felt. I was to blame for my actions, unequivocally, and yet I resented Jones for creating an environment of rage, fear and confusion that diminished discernment, increased self-doubt and left me feeling as if my brain had short-circuited. I wanted to say these things to Jones, but I didn’t.

He offered to double my pay, suggested I work remotely and even proposed funding a feature-length film of my own. I said it wasn’t about money and turned him down. To this day, I still don’t know why he wanted to keep me around. He said it was because he cared about me, but if I had to guess, I would say his main concern was losing control.

The next morning, he called numerous times, and then again that evening. I let the calls go to voice mail.

There wasn’t a single moment that persuaded me to leave, but there was a turning point: a moment that stuck with me long after it happened. I thought of it as I sat next to Jones speeding recklessly down the highway on Election Day, when I walked out of the office for the last time and when I decided to sit down and write this article.

It was early morning, and we were headed back to Austin after the trip that began in Islamberg. As we boarded our flight, I took my window seat close to the rear of the plane. An older woman wearing a hijab sat next to me. With her was a young girl, giddy with excitement, who bounced in the middle seat, holding a bag of pretzels. The woman leaned over and asked if I would let the girl sit by the window. “This is her first time on a plane,” she said. I agreed and moved my bag from under the seat.

I thought of the children who lived in Islamberg: how afraid their families must have felt when their communities were threatened and strangers appeared asking questions; how we chose to look past these people as individuals and impose on them more of the same unfair suspicions they already had to endure. And for what? Clickbait headlines, YouTube views?

As I sat on the aisle, the plane now lifting up into the pale blue sky, I glanced over at the little girl staring out the window in wonder, her face glowing from the light reflecting off the clouds. She was amazed, joyful, innocent, carefree and completely unaware of the world beneath her.

Josh Owens is a writer living in Texas. This is his first article for the magazine.

#alex jones #infowars #conspiracy theory #conspiracyland #trump crime family #trump crime syndicate #trump cult #trump corruption #trump country #maga cult #maga #sandy hook #gun violence #u.s. news #politics #us politics #politics and government #republican politics #u.s. politics #republican party #republicans #nyt > top stories #trending topics #top news #top stories google news

[lovenotereminders]

Nearly 4 months ago I broke up with my bf of 3 years. He changed my life and made it more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. Ever since I was old enough to think about it, I had never wanted kids but somehow loving him had me dreaming of us with 3 children one day. The way he loved me was so magical and strong, even the most romantic of fairytales couldn't have given me a glimpse of what he gave me. At the end of last year, an amazing job opportunity came up for him. 1/?

We never in a million years thought it would take off the way it did but it became a huge success seemingly overnight. I was so happy for him, I could see him gaining confidence he never had before. He was working long and hard nights and while we weren't seeing much of each other, I thought that in the end, everything would be worth it. There was a woman who got the same amazing opportunity as him, she was is partner in it all and they became very close. 2/?

She's a little older than him (he's 3 years older than me) and she always sort of came off as having a motherly nature towards him. She's kind and full of love and one of the most wonderful people you could meet. I was happy that she was in our lives and that he was so happy at work and had someone so amazing to get through the stressful times with. She had just recently broke up with her bf and her lease was up the same time as our roommate moved out so we offered her to stay with us. 3/?

I know he never cheated on me with her or anything, even if that's what it seems I'm going to say. But I could tell he had a bit of a crush on her. I was never jealous or anything. I had a crush on our old roommate and it was just a silly thing, like dreaming of a celeb or something. We always made jokes of it and we even made jokes of him and her saying she was the at work girlfriend and I was the at home one. Nothing was ever uncomfortable. Just lighthearted stuff. 4/?

Anyway, over time his work was progressing very well and more and more projects kept coming up. At first I could handle it because it was just a few months, but as more projects kept coming, the months kept going on and there never seemed to be an end in sight. It was more "this is my life now and this is how little time you get to spend with your boyfriend" instead of "this is only for a few months and once it's over we can spend as much time together as we want" 5/?

Around Christmas time was when I *really* felt things go downhill. That's when the projects really started piling up, but we had a little less than 2 weeks where we were both on a Christmas break. Something felt different during that week and a half. The love just felt..off? We had fun, and spent time together but I guess there was just a spark missing. I also couldn't help but notice he was texting the coworker girl a lot. We lived in London and she was back home in Australia on her break. 6/?

During this week, he was supposed to be with me the whole time but again, work things made him have to travel. I had decided I couldn't do it anymore and as much as it hurt me, I knew us breaking up would be healthy for the both of us. We could both focus on work and not have to worry about each other. He agreed but it was hard for him to do. We spent a whole night crying and planning our futures and saying we would get back together once things calmed down a bit. 8/?

I had moved from Seattle to be with him in London. We met through mutual friends when we both visited California one summer. I don't have a very good family, and all my London friends are friends with him, plus wanting some sunshine and not wanting to hassle of a visa, I moved to California after we broke up. I thought it would be easy to make friends since I have some acquaintances but it turns out nobody really wants to hang out with me but one person. 9/?

He's very kind, and I think he likes me, but he's literally the only person I have in my life right now and I don't want to ruin that by dating him and it possibly not working out. Plus, I'm not ready for a new bf. Meanwhile, my ex is now dating the girl who he was traveling with for work. I know social media is a big lie, but from what I've seen and heard, he's happier than ever with her. It crushes me that he was able to move on so quickly and I still cry myself to sleep every night 10/?

Wishing I could go back to a year ago before all this work crap started happening. I'm happy that he's happy, and she's a good person. I don't hate either of them but I hate the situation. I'm so heartbroken and I don't know what to do. My friend who likes me is cute and funny and pretty much exactly my type but I know I'm not mentally ready for that right now. But at the same time, all I want is to feel as loved as I did before. I'm just so lost and lonely and I don't know what to do ): 11/11

(I apologise I don’t seem to have received part 7 - tumblr likes to eat my asks unfortunately) 

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through that, I can’t imagine how difficult that has been for you. Breaking up sounds like it was a wise decision if the situation had gotten to be untenable, even if it was a really painful thing to do, and it’s normal to be upset that he’s moved on so quickly. It sounds like it might be a good idea to mute your ex and his new partner on social media for a while if seeing that sort of thing is making it harder for you. 

It also sounds like not dating the friend you have in Cali is a good idea - craving the kind of affection you had before is a normal thing, but I agree with you that it would be unwise to move on before you’re ready and potentially affect a good platonic relationship to pursue that craving. 

Trying to move forward with your life is probably the best thing you can do right now - California is the sort of place with loads of social opportunities to meet new people and maybe pursue something you’re interested in. You could for instance check out facebook events and look for something you think you might enjoy - things like open mic nights, volunteering, craft groups, skills classes, improv comedy workshops, etc. are all good places to meet new people and get out there and have a good time, so it might be worth seeing if there’s anything that catches your eye in your area. Investing some time in yourself is probably a good idea too - you deserve some extra care and to focus on your own self-improvement after everything. That could mean anything you wanted it to - throwing yourself into your work, taking up a new hobby or getting back into something you’ve been meaning to for a while, learning a new skill, doing something further your own improvement like maybe taking an exercise class or learning a new language, etc. Anything that adds some extra fulfilment to your life so you’re not dwelling on how things could have been, and maybe takes up some of your time and energy so you don’t have as much free time to miss how things were and miss your partner, might be beneficial to you. I’ve got some other tips that might be helpful to you on this FAQ post from my suggestion blog. 

I’m sending you good vibes my dear, and I hope your pain eases soon and you’re able to move past this dark place to find that everything has worked out for the best 💗

#long post #vent #advice #negative / #not positivity #love queueself #Anonymous #answered

[drsteggy]

As of Tuesday, I now have both my forearms tattooed. They are very different.

On my right, is a Latin phrase that I first heard on The Walking Dead. It translates to “be patient and tough for one day this pain will do you good.” I liked how this was used during this time of the show (right before it started to crash hard for me) and I’d flirted with the idea of a Walking Dead tattoo, but none of the imagery from it had ever appealed to me that much and as much as I was into Daryl Dixon, putting his face on me seemed weird. I kept that phrase in my head though.

And then we had an election in 2016 and overnight the world changed horribly. I felt horror and despair and I really tried to hide it but I don’t think I did a great job and it occurred to me that maybe that Latin made sense, so on December 6, 2016 I went to Shotsie’s and had Scotty put it on my right arm, and it was something I could look at when I felt challenged.

And I was about to be challenged a lot. A LOT.

I’d just started a new job after coming out of a really horrible crash and burn at a job I absolutely loved. The short version is that my boss decided that she would take some time off to buy her own place (we were corporate) without telling anyone and I somehow ended up the bad guy as well as keeping the place afloat alone for six months. It was traumatic and terrible.

My father, who was someone who I had been very close to, changed toward me in ways I don’t understand, still, and sent me a text message right before Christmas of 2016 telling me he wish he had abandoned me at the same time my mother did (when I was 18) if he had known “how I would turn out.” My youngest brother took up my father’s case as well, but also started gatekeeping my father’s about to fail health. I found out about an emergency hospital stay on Facebook by accident a week after having my father telling me how he wish he had ditched me. The rest of the people I am related to eventually turned against me as well without ever speaking to me about anything. My father died in May of 2017, and as horrible as that is by itself, I felt very alone and I had very few people I could speak to about it. I love my partner but he was raised to be a stoic guy and his response to the sort of emotional mess that I was is to try and tough it out, and, wow, I tried.

It was not a good time. I tried being tough and patient and white knuckled my way through another 18 months. About a year ago I finally broke.

A few months prior to breaking, I’d gotten a Nintendo Switch with the intention to get into Let’s Go Eevee (I still don’t own that game.) I ended up with a copy of Legend of Zelda:Breath of the Wild without ever having played a Zelda game or knowing almost anything about the series. I mean, I knew the character you played wasn’t named Zelda, but Link ...and that’s literally it. I had played a ton of tabletop Dungeons & Dragons in my formative years, though, and approached it like that.

During this time in my real life, I was spending time only leaving the house if I absolutely had to. I was not playing with my model horses, or running, or doing many of the things I typically did. I’d sit at home and just feel frozen and paralyzed until I had to go to work. I was brittle and fragile at work and tough things made me collapse. I’m a veterinarian, so work is tough things every day. Usually more than once a day. It was not a good time.

I did get into therapy and my therapist gave me tools and insights to help deal with the practical day to day things, and offered me ways to think about the people who were not being very kind to me. She helped A LOT, and I have recommended her to many people. She is the only person outside of a very few very close to me who has told me she thinks I’m amazing and asked if I can see that (I still wiffle on that) I had my friends who are really my family who quietly sat in my corner, not sure how to help, but trying anyway. However, BOTW gets an assist trophy during this process because it was there every day and at times the human support network couldn’t be.

You start the game with amnesia. Something has gone down a century earlier and that’s all you know. Since I came to the franchise with zero expectations, this worked well for me. I had no idea what the relationship between the characters were, or what I was supposed to do until someone told me. This game is also open world though, so even if there’s something you’re supposed to do, you don’t have to do it. You can go do whatever moves you. So at first, I had some goals to work to, but when I couldn’t get those done, I’d sometimes just say screw it and go explore.

On days when I could not leave the house, and did not have to, I’d work on advancing the main quest. If I didn’t have that in me, I’d go find shrines and work the puzzles. If I couldn’t do that, I’d just walk or ride around Hyrule and find places to watch the sun rise or set. I did not feel pressure to do things, I could avoid fights if I chose, I could just go pick flowers and flip over rocks and catch frogs and now that I put it that way, I spent a lot of time as a kid doing exactly that. There was something very very soothing about Hyrule and it gave me a place to just go be calm when I needed to go be calm.

I spent so much time in BOTW, it did eventually lead me to seek out other things, and I learned a bunch and met some people. Zelda games spark a lot of fan art, so I fell down that rabbit hole and over time it started leaking out of my game sessions into t shirts, and model horse stuff, and late this past summer it seemed like a great idea to go out in public in a blonde wig (and yes, that did turn out to be a great idea, thanks so much.) And at that point, it seemed like I should probably mark this on my body.

It took a while to choose the symbol. They don’t talk about the triforce in BOTW, so I still don’t really get that, and the wing crest seems a little generic to me, and using an image of Link didn’t seem right, either. I think I’m playing me when I play, not driving a 17 year old boy. Nintendo does that on purpose, apparently. His name is Link because he links the player to the game, and he doesn’t have a voice because you’re supposed to insert yourself in the game. So, a portrait of Link didn’t float my boat, but his signature weapon did.

I don’t know how the Master Sword works in other games. In BOTW you don’t need it, but you had better be ready for it when you do decide you’re going to draw it from its pedestal in the Korok Forest. The sword is fussy about who touches it, it chooses its master, and if you’re not worthy, it will definitely kill you. It’s the one weapon in the game that you can’t permanently destroy (yes there are a few you can repair, but you don’t need to fix the Master Sword, it heals itself.) And, if you take it out and swing it against the enemies it’s meant to be swung at, the controller feels different then using other weapons. It’s a special thing that only you can handle, it’s a very recognizable image from what it is so that’s what I landed on. On December 10, 2019, three years and four days after I got my Latin, I went back to Shotsie’s and Theoni gave me my Master Sword. I felt like I was finally worthy.

My therapist felt that after about four months, I was ok to try flying solo. She wasn’t wrong. That’s about the time the Zelda was starting to escape the containment of my Switch, too. I still play a lot, not really every day anymore, and I’m not up until 2 or 3 in the morning just doing one last thing, though I am on a fourth playthrough (I needed to try things differently after beating the game). I still sometimes just like to ride and watch the sun rise and set. I think I’ll play forever, but even if I don’t, it was such a huge part of this time of my life and it marks the end of being broken and starting to heal.

#tattoos #zelda tattoo #trauma #ink story #latin tattoo quotes #family sucks

[caitlynnpsmith]

letting go.

i’ve written this post out many times. and then deleted it, rewrote it, deleted it, rewrote it.. It was a cycle, really that has went on until i finally had enough and got the strength to tell this story, - my story. i’ve tried to pinpoint where it went wrong. what it was i did. what could i have done different? why couldn’t he stay faithful? why couldn’t he be about me - and only about me anymore? when did he stop choosing me? was i not skinny enough for him? easy i’ll just not eat as much and lose weight. am i not pretty enough? oh thats a quick fix. ill change my hair. change the way i dress. change all the outside aspects to make me more appealing to the eye. i know for a fact it wasn’t that i didn’t give enough. talk about 6k in a a few months given to someone who never really cared. which i have since found out was used to fund his overnight adventures with random women in hotel rooms, or taking them out on extravagant dates, all while i was hours and thousands of miles away believing he was ‘asleep’ or ‘out with the boys’ or ‘his phone died’

But, don't let me get ahead of myself here. it wasn't always all bad. at first, anyway. it started out as a whirlwind romance. every girl wants it, craves it, hell. honestly, we dream of it. to be able to say we fell in love with our bestfriend. 

one morning at 4AM we were sitting on our porch with our dogs and he looked at me and said he wanted to join the military and with tears in my eyes i told him i supported whatever he decided and that i would be always waiting wherever home led to and i was. every time. the next morning we went to the recruiting office, and it was about two months later he was leaving for bootcamp.

numerous trips to the east cost, a couple trips to the west, a brand new vehicle not even a year old and 45k miles later, none of it mattered. the distance, no communication, time zones, whatever was between us it didn't matter. i never cared about how many hours i would have to drive, how many layovers in the airport there would be, i was going to do whatever it took to be with the man i loved, whether that was for a weekend or for a week.

at first, it was great. up until about 7 months into this new life he chose, did things really start to change. the drinking, verbal abuse, cheating, breaking up with me on the weekends so he could fuck with whatever girl he wanted and say “but we weren’t together, so it doesn’t matter”.

oh, caitlynn. why didn’t you leave then? why did you stay.

i told myself that he meant it when he said he loved me. and would come back and say “baby, i’m sorry. i’m in love with you. i didn’t mean it. you’re my bestfriend . . .”

i stayed. 

we had so many good times together. military ball, exploring san diego, all around myrtle beach, the coast of NC, i held on to the good times and the man i fell in love with, not the one he became. i looked past all of it.

my friends tried to get me to leave. boy oh boy they would see his name on my phone and the look of disgust would come over them, they tried to hide it because they knew how i felt about them, but at the same time they heard the way he talked to me. they held me the nights i cried. heard me question why i wasn’t good enough. i can say for a fact that my family wasn’t happy i was with him. they saw what it was doing to me. 

but still. i stayed.

i stayed and continued to give my all to a man who only wanted me when it was convenient for him. read that again. i gave everything to someone who only wanted anything to do with me when it was convenient for him. 

we got engaged.

god was i happy. i honestly thought, man this is it. he’s finally the man i knew he could be! he has changed. he finally has realised what i have to offer, and now i’m marrying my bestfriend. this is it. we planned on waiting til he was home on leave to tell our families, until he decided to just get drunk and post it on Facebook one night. talk about a gut punch seeing the hurt on the faces of all the ones i cared about. but, little did i know the night he proposed he was on tinder, and bumble, and sending girls unsolicited messages across snapchat. he denied it. “that isn’t me. someone is fucking with me” 

i believed it. i still stayed.

why was i so naive?

christmas eve rolls around. a week or so before we were going to get married before he had to head back, i had went to sleep in the arms of the man i loved. I woke up the next day and turned off his annoying set of alarms that were set for 3, 4, 5 am. his normal routine. i didn’t mind though, he was home. with me. and he didn’t need them. he was sound asleep, so i did what anyone would do. Reached for his phone, unlocked it, turned off all of the alarms so we could sleep in, and seen tinder on his phone. again. and bumble. again.

i spent the day with him and his family, (lord, is his family heaven sent. i have nothing but love for them. and if you read this, just know i’m so thankful for you all treating me like your own. i will always, ALWAYS, have nothing but love and respect for you), skipped out entirely on seeing mine, but that was okay - he was gone most of the year and i enjoyed getting to see everyone together - and i didn’t say anything about it until we had left.

he tried to deny it. told me i was crazy for going through his phone. 

but still. i stayed. i stayed and we kept our plans to get married and start our lives together.

a few days later he kissed me saying goodbye and told me he loved me, he was going to visit family, and would be home soon. it was 7 am. i was exhausted. i am not a morning person. i kissed him back, told him i loved him and to lock the door when he left.

he never came back.

i woke up to messages from a friend i hadn’t spoken to in years across every form of social media saying “girl. CALL ME” i had no clue what was going on. i hadn’t talked to her in years. was she okay?? did something happen to my family?? i was there. i called her. and her first words were “He is on tinder. what the fuck”

she sent me screenshots. he messaged her flirting. but the second she mentioned my name, he blocked her. i tried calling. i tried texting. he wouldn’t answer me. 

he had told me he went to see his family, but who knows where he really was. ill never know honestly. but if i had to guess, he was probably off making plans with some of the girls from home that were his so called ‘lifelong friends’ who always happened to conveniently show up when things between us were rough.

i finally seen him the last night he was home on leave. i had spent days trying to get in touch with him. i finally came to the point that i just wanted a goodbye at least. he was about to drive back across the US and with me being the kind of person that i am, if something were to happen i would have felt terrible if we left things off on bad terms. he told me he was sorry. and he loved me. again. we worked things out that night, or so i thought, he was drunk again so i guess the next day he didn't remember anything he said.

this went on for months. from december to july. 7 months of him using me to send him money to do god knows what with god knows who in Jacksonville. believing he cared and actually wanted to be with me. 7 months of him manipulating not only me, but hurting other girls in the process. girls who didn’t deserve an ounce of what they got in return. strong, beautiful, independent women who i hope can take this in and know that it isn’t them. they were never the problem. he was feeding them the same lines, having them fall for his words. being a smooth talking guy and telling them i was crazy, and that’s why he left. saying i cheated on him. and that’s why he left. saying everything he could to make me out to he the bad guy. and once again that’s why he left. he painted this picture to not only the girls he was seeing, (who i have actually built strong solid friendships with, in the strangest way) but to his friends there. and anyone who would listen. nobody was ever allowed to mention my name, without him reacting to it and going on a rampage. 

it got to the point of each time he reached out to me, it made me not even blink at his name or phone number crossing my phone. and now i just look and laugh. 

i put up with the verbal abuse, and emotional abuse for one day too many. the manipulation, using me for what i had, each “i’m sorry” followed by a ‘well you made me mad’ or ‘you shouldn’t have done . . .’ each ‘apology’ twisted to make me be the one apologizing for the mistakes he was making. the first time should have been the last time. but still, i stayed.

i stayed with the fear in the back of my mind saying “who would ever be able to love someone who has so many trust issues now, and self esteem issues, and questions every little good thing because the person she thought she would spend her life with turned out to be everything he shouldn’t have been? i stayed because i was so sure after everything he told me, that nobody else would ever put up with me like he did, or love me again or see me for anything other than a bitch or crazy because of what he had said about me.”

i stayed. because i hoped that somewhere deep down he was the same man i fell in love with. the same man that i had so many adventures, laughs, memories, road trips, and fun with. the man he was before.

i can say that as i am typing this ending, i have moved on now, and i am happier than i have ever been. i have the best of friends who love and support me, i have met men who are interested in me for me, who call me beautiful, who i can have fun with, who dance with me, who i can drink a beer with and not worry about getting yelled at later in the night. 

i decided to answer his call when his number popped up the other day. not in hopes he had changed, but to see what in the absolute fuck he wanted. he told me he loved me, the same routine. blah blah blah. only this time, when i mentioned him moving on, and getting married, he quickly said “but caitlynn. i love you. letting you go was the worst thing i ever done. you actually cared about me. and supported me. . . . “ blah blah blah. the same routine. you get it. and then i knew for sure that this man i loved so much. and spoke so highly of. wasn’t a man at all. he wasn’t anything but narcissistic, manipulative, and a liar. this “man” calling me - his ex fiancée - the at 1:30 in the morning the night before he was getting married and saying “i love you, this is just a contract marriage you’re who i want waiting on me when my deployment ends.” was not a man i wanted anywhere in my life.

i have stayed so silent. through all of this all these months. i’ve let someone who done nothing but use and take advantage of me be either the hero or the victim. not ever the villain and say whatever he wanted.

at one point, i accepted the fact maybe i should listen to him. maybe i am “psycho” and “crazy” maybe it was my fault that we didn’t work out. i sat back and took the blame he threw all over me each time we argued or each time he would break up with me, because nothing was ever his fault. not once. and if it was it was just as quickly flipped around on what it was i did to make him act the way he did. i became the picture he painted of me to whoever would listen that he was the victim. that he was steadily the only one that was hurting. that this was all my fault and only my fault. 

i decided that maybe i am a ‘stupid bitch’ like he reminded me of so many times. and i should have listened when he said i just need to ‘shut the fuck up’ that maybe it was in fact that he did nothing wrong. i started to believe it. and i almost did. but not anymore. it took me a long time to let go and realize it wasn’t me. and to learn to let someone in. and i still have a hard time trusting anyone every now and then. but if someone else can take this in, and learn from me. . .

just know this: maybe he doesn’t hit you; but verbal abuse, mental abuse, the cheating, lying, calling you names. do. not. settle. do not let someone tell you that you aren’t allowed to have a bad day at work because their job is harder or more demanding. do not ever let someone else make you lose yourself so much that you don’t even recognize yourself in the mirror. do not let anyone make you cry so much that you question your worth and your eyes are bloodshot constantly. do not EVER let a “man” dictate your happiness and paint a picture of what you are. because you are so much more. YOU ARE NOT SOME ELSES OPINION OF YOU.

i settled for so long. i stayed quiet. i became whatever it was he wanted to say about me. and let people believe it. i lost people that were my “friends” that i had become so close to because of him. and everything he said about me. because of whatever twisted lie he chose to say.

i’m not going to lie. my heart was broken for a long, long time. if you know me, you probably seen it. but now i put myself back together with the help of my friends and family. i may have lost someone i loved with all i had, or what i thought love was.

but, i also lost who i was somewhere along the way. and that is something i never will do again for anyone.

In all of that, if you are still sticking around reading my jumbled thoughts, just know there is a light at the end of a never ending tunnel. i gained so much more than what i lost along the way. i gained strength. i gained wisdom. i learned what to not tolerate. i learned not to settle. and i learned that just because you see the best in someone, and know what they can be, doesn’t mean that’s who they are. i learned to love myself and know my worth 10x more than what any ‘man’ could ever do for me.

[eldritchsurveys]

392.

Do you like bread crust on pizza or do you prefer it cut off? >> I don’t usually like the crust. It’s just... bread. The part of pizza I enjoy isn’t the bread, it’s the stuff on the bread. The bread’s just the convenient delivery system. What is your favorite lunch meat? >> Turkey or chicken breast. Have you ever driven while drunk/intoxicated? >> No. What is the worst/hardest drug you’ve taken? >> Heroin. What is the worst/hardest drug you’ve been offered, but declined to partake in? >> Crack, probably.

If you’ve ever tried drugs or alcohol, what was your reason for first trying it? >> Curiosity. It’s always curiosity. Do you think you could ever have an abortion if you expectantly turned up pregnant? >> I did have one. What is the weirdest ailment a pet of yours/your family’s has sustained? >> --- If you were far from home and needed to sleep for the night, would you choose to rent a crappy motel room for $60 or sleep in your car for free? >> I suppose it’d depend on a few other factors than just that. Have you ever ran a toll booth? Why? >> No. Is there a color shirt you’d NEVER wear? >> Neon orange, probably. Is there a situation where you caved into peer pressure and regretted it? >> I can’t think of any. What is your favorite thing to do at a park? >> Get on the swings, or lay in the grass and read. Would you ever bleach your hair platinum blonde? >> No. I did have to bleach it pretty far blond when I coloured it grey that one time, though. What is your favorite video game console? Why? >> I prefer to play games on PC. Do you like the band MGMT? If so, can you recommend another band that sounds similar to their style to me? >> I don’t know anything about that band. Do you like vanilla candles? >> Meh. Have you ever been in a relationship that was going great, and then suddenly something weird happened and you just KNEW it was going to be over soon? >> My relationship instincts have never been all that great, so no. I usually let the weird shit keep happening until it becomes so unsustainable that shit just blows up, because I was always a bit of an idiot about relationships. What are your plans for the weekend? >> The weekend is now over. We went to a tailgate that Sparrow’s sister was having for her birthday (the sister’s birthday, not Sparrow’s), and then we went to see It Chapter Two, and then we went to the Wayland house and stayed overnight, did laundry, and went to the wedding shower this afternoon. A much busier weekend than usual, but it went pretty smoothly, all told. Are you graduating soon? >> --- How many people have you kissed? >> Hm. What’s your worst habit? >> I have no idea. Are you good with your money? >> Sure. Who are you interested in? >> --- What do you like about the person you’re currently interested in? >> --- Which of the guys you’ve been interested in hurt you the most? >> --- Do you like your job? >> --- Are you trying to get over somebody? >> No. Do you know anybody who is engaged? >> I don’t know, maybe. I don’t pay too much attention to that sort of thing. Do you know anybody who is pregnant? >> No. How old will you be in 12 months? >> 33. Hiding anything from your parents? >> --- Can you handle being alone? >> Yeah. What is something you realized recently? >> Whatever it is, I’ve forgotten it for the time being. Do you know what your ex is up to? >> *shrug* Are you happy with the choices you’ve made? >> I’m not always happy with the choices I make, but I stand by them, and I weather the consequences as best as I can. I’m happy with that. Are you currently arguing with someone? >> No. Have your friends disapproved of someone you were seeing, but you decided to pursue anyway? >> Yeah, and you know what, they were right. But one always has to learn for oneself. What was the last thing you purchased? >> The last thing I personally bought was... hmm. Good question. I don’t remember. What was your last phone call about? >> My name change hearing. Can you handle the truth? >> Sure. Not always well, but eventually I come around. What is your relationship status on Facebook? >> --- How tall is the last person you kissed? >> King Crimson is stupid tall. What do you usually doodle? >> I rarely doodle. Could things possibly get any better? >> I mean, sure, I guess, but I don’t really need them to. How are you feeling at the moment? >> My normal neutral mood. Do you have feelings for someone? >> What are feeeeeelings What was for dinner tonight? >> Noodles and Company. Would you be able to name everyone you kissed? >> Nope. Are you in a good mood? >> Yeah, my neutral mood could be considered a “good” mood, because it’s... not a bad one, I guess. Where is the last person you kissed? >> Somewhere inworld. What color shirt are you wearing? >> A black undershirt. Do you think you could ever make it as a rap singer? >> No. How important are looks to you? >> I mean, I like looking at people I find physically attractive, and I don’t like looking at people I don’t find physically attractive. But I don’t know how important that is. Like, that has no real relevance to anything. Did you have a fling this summer but it didn’t really go anywhere? >> No. Do you get jealous? >> No. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? >> Because I like to. What is something you currently want? >> Nothing, really. What was the weather like today? >> It was mostly cloudy and definitely a little chillier than I expected. Do you like sushi? >> Sometimes. Is your hair longer than your shoulders? >> No. Ever kissed anyone with a nipple piercing? >> Yeah. What about a lip piercing? >> Yeah. Nose piercing? >> Yeah. Do you like your hair? >> Eh, it can be a pain in my ass most of the time. But it’s not, like, ugly or anything. Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/girlfriend? >> Yeah. Did you like kissing the last person you kissed or the one before that more? >> --- Ever made out in a pool? >> No. The shirt you’re wearing, does anyone else have it? >> It’s just an undershirt, I’m sure billions of people have one just like it. What was the last movie you watched? >> It Chapter Two. 

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