#I went through a really bad depression episode last week

[quins-makeshift-menagerie]

When you want your baby to grow up but also Stop Growing So Fast

#Mnemosyne mew #calliope demitwo #erato demimew #Clio demimew #zeus Mewtwo #mew #mewtwo #art #2024 #pokemon #I’ve been wanting to do a first official word comic for a while but #I went through a really bad depression episode last week #that along with the current stress of moving #it’s made drawing hard #but here #a thing #for you #mwah #I hope your day is going well

[probablyhuntersmom]

Hunter's Experiences After Belos's Death

Oops, this got long. Aw well, it was really fun to write.

Special thanks to @ashanimus!

This is speculative at the end of the day, but since:

1. This is my fave animated show of all time

2. I grew up with Complex PTSD (CPTSD) like Hunter

3. I work as a therapist,

I thought to list down some things I can visualize happening in the duration of the finale's timeskip, before that beautiful epilogue we saw. And I want to dive in using whatever clues, leads and parallels I can find in canon: to analyze and see how he went from the Bad But Sad Boy to that peaceful-looking palisman carver in the epilogue.

A small reference I had for this meta is Cinema Therapy's episode on the Hunger Games movies (link), since the protagonist, Katniss Everdeen, from the book and also movie trilogy would have the same diagnosis as Hunter. Those books and movies explored how Katniss coped with the frightening and dramatically different landscape that was the calmness of her world post-victory.

Part 1: His Possible Experiences Leading Up to Seeking a Therapist

His disposition could possibly become like Luz's from early Season 3: a state of emotionally shutting down and numbing out. He appeared to nearly head in this direction right after he was revived by Flapjack, as he began to cry. There was that small window where he could have expressed more tears than he did, and have his body shut down under the weight of bereavement.

But the immediate physical threat, Belos, was still on the run. He got up, sprang into action and didn't catch a break from the time he followed Belos through the portal until he stood in The Collector's palace after Belos died (had he even received the news of his 'Uncle' dying yet??!).

Now that Belos isn't around anymore, the Isles will have a completely different feel and rebuilding the land would've taken grueling work after the dismantling of a damaging Coven System.

I was looking at Luz's behavior and gestures in Thanks to Them, which were indicative of her sinking into depression after 1. the horrible revelation in Hollow Mind that she unintentionally helped Philip. 2. witnessing Flapjack's death. I'm putting screenshots of her below in parallel with Hunter's own emotions in For the Future:

They have different mental health conditions if you talk symptoms, e.g. Luz doesn't show signs of CPTSD hypervigilance, while Hunter doesn't have that slowing down in his physical and mental activity which points to depression. But both have suffered from moral injury thanks to Belos's violence and manipulation.

However, a major comparison is that Hunter has had much more repressed emotion over a long period compared to Luz. The column with Hunter screencaps above, is what he may feel with a much higher intensity in the weeks and months after he first hears that his abuser has passed on.

Shown below, the few seconds of Hunter's big smile drooping when it was all over, was a big hint for me:

A hint that there is a deep undercurrent of emotions he'd much rather not feel, that he'd probably rather hide from himself. Even while smiling, we know how his heart-wrenching story has played out and the light in his eyes here doesn't match the brightness we see in his expressions in the epilogue, post-timeskip.

That is the face of a kid who has not cried out massive amounts of tears yet. He doesn't look like he's carrying a light load yet, compared to what we see in his future self. And it's certainly a heavier smile than the jollier one he makes here right after King's Tide when Flapjack was still around:

I can't imagine the amount of grief that his body has yet to dredge up and release, once he finally doesn't have to worry about his 'uncle' threatening his life anymore. Too many times to count, I've been in the situation where I cry intensely after being retraumatized and think "Huh? More tears? Where did it come from?? I thought I had cried it all out from my whole being the last time!". It kind of convinced me that anyone with CPTSD has so much grief stored up in their body that the number of times needed to have a good cry feels like a really endless expanse.

However: because I had 7 years of being in and out of therapy, what matters is that the durations between these episodes of mine, the durations of the episodes themselves, plus their intensity have reduced a lot. It was around a 4-year timeskip in the finale, so for Hunter to get as far as he did to heal, his own therapy sessions would've probably been rigorous and very consistent.

Anyway, he might now cycle through his own version of what Luz cycled through when she gradually shuts down from failing to build a new portal door in Thanks to Them, continually believes she's as bad as Belos, and when she alludes to her suicidal ideation in the classroom:

whereby there is a likely parallel between Luz wrestling with guilt from her own moral injury, and Hunter's own guilt from what he wished he could've done to prevent being possessed, to prevent Flapjack from dying. Both their situations are that of moral injuries.

The adrenaline rush would be over for everyone on the Isles.

I'm quite sure the therapists on the Isles will operate pretty soon after the news about Belos's death was out. They would conduct whatever version of mental health triage they have, that involves risk assessments and crisis counselling. Both of these based on what I've learnt are shorter in duration (30 minutes) and are one-off sessions, compared to regular talk therapy which is an hour minimum.

The therapists would be redirecting people to necessary resources e.g. where to find food or loved ones, and managing distress only related to people's immediate needs instead of forming a longer term plan for several weekly sessions.

I believe things are simpler when you are running away from an external threat, like the two Hunter scenarios below. In Hollow Mind there is no emotion on his face because in peak C-PTSD mode he has shut down his emotions to pour that energy into escaping Belos. In Thanks to Them, he appears quite obviously scared with widened eyes because he got comfortable with safety for months and Belos's return was a surprise attack (thanks ashanimus for pointing out to me how his expressions are animated!):

But what is there to run from now? Not an external threat for sure. The war zone is now the one in his mind, heart and soul and it would become front and center. I believe both these screenshots are two notches on a dial, and the missing third image - which would show him finding it difficult to stuff down the grief any longer, might look like a more exasperated version of when he told Willow "Please don't call yourself [a Half-a-Witch] ever again" in For the Future, and eventually a more depressed version of his vanishing smile in The Collector's Palace.

When can he really run from himself? Only while asleep, if he's spared nightmares on any given night, or while distracting himself with the main mission of rebuilding the Isles or continuing to bond with his friends and other people.

His anger in For the Future was a telling sign for me that he made sure his focus was still on an external threat: he still had the opportunity to do so back then, because Belos was still alive. But when we see him in The Collector's palace sending Willow off to her dads, there has realistically been a shift in what will threaten the more fragile shreds of inner peace he's still clinging on to. There are those scary trauma-related emotions to worry about, which wouldn't have just evaporated into thin air. They would be looking for a new outlet, and they'll find their way into flashbacks, nightmares, tension still stored in the body, an exaggerated startle response, etc.

We have seen a range of reactions he has to danger, triggers and emotional pain: some involve moving his body more, and fewer involve a short of shutting down:

Flinching during Belos's tantrums, being able to fight Kikimora calmly, freezing up in the throne room (Hunting Palismen)

Suicidal ideation and even a sort of suicide plan (Eclipse Lake)

Freezing up and expecting punishment from Darius (Any Sport in a Storm)

Being able to stay almost entirely calm as he learnt more and more of the truth about Belos, though his hand was shaking briefly, then a panic attack later on (Hollow Mind)

Lots of avoidance symptoms like numbing, combined with hypervigilance e.g. shivering and another panic attack (Labyrinth Runners)

Feeling fear with underlying shame and subconsciously expecting punishment, when he failed to save Luz (Clouds on the Horizon)

Freezing and recoiling, though he fought against this by asserting a boundary with Belos (King's Tide)

Panic attack when looking into the mirror and having an emotional flashback, hypervigilance e.g. stamping his foot and shivering (Thanks to Them)

Anger and rage to cope with bereavement, later being tearful (For the Future)

Most likely a sense of bereavement, deep exhaustion and possibly loneliness, during that briefly shown moment in The Collector's Palace (Watching and Dreaming)

The serious work he has to put in to heal from his trauma would begin once his whole body gives in to the exhaustion, catching up with the bereavement-related emotions that have also begun to settle in. It could be a massive emotional and physical collapse that he can't fight off, where his physical energy levels become tanked seemingly out of nowhere. And I think it would look like a worse version of him lying in his makeshift grave, where he is barely able to move around the house or anywhere for some time.

This happened to Katniss in the Hunger Games trilogy, and while the portrayal was done differently in the books and movies, both were good explorations of what it's like to shift from the default high alert (and long-term) mode of CPTSD to coping with the scary unknown world of newfound safety. Katniss spent her childhood in poverty and being constantly on edge that she might be chosen for the Hunger Games, being parentified, to provide for her family.

While participating in the games, she had to utilize battle skills and kill others to survive and sustained many injuries, still constantly on high alert whereby any respite would last for incredibly short durations. Towards the end of the story, after she loses the one she loved most (her sister Prim, who I think can be a parallel of Flapjack in this meta), Katniss shifts from peak physical activity into mostly sleeping and being actively suicidal for months, hardly moving and not leaving the house, until the shock of traumatic grief began to wear off. She absolutely crashed and went from one extreme to the other. In the movie Mockingjay Part 2, they added a non-book scene where her grief comes out in an outburst when she sees their pet cat hanging around on the kitchen counter. She flings an object in the cat's direction, then screams "[Prim] is gone!!" repeatedly before collapsing into heavy sobs, picking up the cat and holding it to her chest to soothe herself.

This kind of major collapse might happen very soon to Hunter after he leaves The Collector's Palace or only after some weeks. The timing of this, I can't predict. The reason why he didn't appear to have this issue in the early months being in the human realm is because there was still something external to concentrate on: help his friends get back to the Human Realm, help Luz reunite with Eda and King, while him and Flapjack hoped to go home too.

You could argue that even now, he still has something external to focus on i.e. helping the others rebuild the Isles. However I keep imagining that the people who love him are going to be quite adamant in getting him, Luz and the other kids to please rest. Since we saw Steve recommend his therapist to Lilith in O Titan Where Art Thou, I can picture the adults in particular monitoring how Hunter is doing without Flapjack.

But if this collapse I'm speculating about doesn't happen so soon, he would be pouring himself into helping others, referencing his character-centric line all the way back in Hunting Palismen about wanting to offer help, which he utters twice in that episode. There is an overlap between this expectation he has of himself and the old habit he's at risk of falling back into periodically: overworking.

Once his desire to help others is clearly comes across as an avoidance tactic on the outside - a maladaptive coping mechanism to run from the very difficult emotions that he should be processing - people around him are definitely going to set boundaries and say "No" to any attempts he makes to assist them. Someone is probably going to tell him that whatever desperation he is showing in wanting to help other people, needs to be redirected at himself. Making time and space for himself, taking time off to rest.

Him suffering from a major emotional and physical collapse is pretty likely because things are more complicated (though, physically much much safer) for him now than at the beginning of Thanks to Them when he had just fled from Belos to the human realm, and had Flapjack as his closest company. Fast forward to the victory won in Watching and Dreaming: both Flapjack and Belos are gone now.

It's telling that different thoughts are occupying Hunter's mind now, from how his expressions are drawn during his first days in the human realm vs. when peace is restored in the Isles.

1. See the sense of calmer urgency in his expression, putting the mission of building the portal door first, while experiencing a strong sense of togetherness with his friends, and learning to trust Camila who is treating him well:

compared to

2. the sheer exhaustion and feeling of "What now...?" (see his upper eyelids below?) that set in, once he helped Willow find her parents and there was no more task at hand that didn't involve himself. His bright smile from a split-second ago has drooped and disappeared:

I know that right after the above frame, Darius and Eberwolf reunited with him, but his emotions are going to cycle up and down in the hours, weeks and months ahead. The elation from seeing Darius and Eber - people who were there to greet him when he expected nobody to turn up - is not going to last, though it will certainly come and go, because high-running positive emotions like that don't last as long, especially in the context of the life he's had as a child soldier. It's totally possible that on the same night, hours after this reunion with their loved ones, their emotions will shift drastically.

The tired look in his eyes above and the sad face he then makes, is in between two moments of him having something external to focus on (Willow and then Darius). I'm inclined to think that the above depressed look reflects a lot of the complexity that is going on underneath the surface. What is his state of mind when alone with his thoughts, when he has zero tasks to perform? How is he handling those thoughts?

There will be a deep, sometimes mind-numbing sense of bereavement over two significant figures in his life. First Flapjack, now this:

He used to love Belos. But I'm really not sure he can just uproot that love from deep within and discard it. Hunter carries memories like the following ones around which will be confusing to navigate on tougher days, despite being able to tell Luz "That's what Belos does, he tricks people". Because these were his formative years:

and something tells me that Philip was cunning enough to strike a delicate balance between being 'nice' to Hunter like above, versus unleashing his violent temper to terrify and harm him. Making sure that balance was so close to 50/50 that it would leave a child very confused. So confused he would rather believe he's never good enough rather than the more frightening prospect that his so-called family does not actually love him at all.

Hunter will have a moment now and then of still missing the 'niceness' that his 'uncle' showed towards him (felt in his heart and subconscious), while still knowing (in his head, rationally) that Philip was not genuine when treating him that way.

To note though, he did not witness Belos's death which reduces the severity of intrusive images that the poor kid would see in his mind.

What I'm worried about is how he'll handle the news about the grimwalker graveyard, since I'm sure that location is going to be scoured and Darius would want to give his mentor a proper sending off. They'd want to give all the Golden Guards and Caleb a sending off and pay their respects. This might add to what I suspect will be the messed up depression he'll fall into.

It will be very confusing and emotionally disorienting, literally not needing to worry about anyone killing him anymore. He has had no point of reference for this in his life at all. It might possibly the furthest he ever goes from that primal survival instinct he had while living in the Castle for so long, which took up the majority of his life so far:

There will also be the added layer of how he feels about those first emotions. This is literally a concept called Feelings About Feelings and it's a key part of my work since I use the Satir Model in my style of counselling. We don't just feel emotions, we also tack on our own judgments and evaluations about them. E.g. shame about feeling anger, guilt about feeling sad because of burdening others, or even a combination like fear about feeling joy which can show up in healing from bereavement.

Depending on how we feel about whichever emotions got there first, it makes a difference because we could be adding or subtracting unnecessary suffering from the first emotion, especially if the first emotion is an already unpleasant one.

I have a feeling that we'd see Hunter look very very tired, till he makes breakthroughs in therapy. A tiredness that sleep, a healthy diet and exercise alone simply cannot fix. Because there's an entire upbringing in the Emperor's Coven to sort through in his head, this time not combined with the avoidance of having fled to the human realm and living under one roof with his friends.

The Hexsquad are not living under the same roof anymore, they are reunited with their own families with much to emotionally talk out, and the group no longer has a very urgent single collective mission. Sure, Hunter has an active role to play in rebuilding the Isles, but what about rebuilding his very self? He has the steepest climb, because we have seen the symptoms he exhibits.

Most of all, referencing a section of my Retraumatization and Self-Soothing (Part 1) meta (link), a memory as horrible as this:

will likely be the most intrusive image is going to be replaying again and again over the months to come, and it may flood his thoughts during moments of being triggered or even out of nowhere during quiet moments for no apparent reason. It will be just like a broken record, where the same small excerpt of a song loops endlessly until the needle of the gramophone is repositioned.

It was remarkably poignant that his final words to Belos were "And most of all, I'm going to make sure you never hurt anyone again", and I'm happy with the story keeping it this way and understand why the writers likely made this decision - not just because the season was shortened. Hunter did not need to directly see or hear more from Belos in close quarters, not after his abuser minimized his needs for years, gaslit him, possessed him and got him to murder his best friend with his own hands.

It's more straightforward to make sure someone else isn't hurting anyone. It's easier to think of what plans to implement, when it comes to him protecting others: which he has had plenty of practice with. Because those are practical methods that we can see in action on the outside.

But here's the kicker: what about applying that last grand statement from his TTT speech to himself, emotionally: making sure he isn't psychologically hurting himself with harmful unhelpful thoughts and beliefs, after Belos's death? "I'll make sure I don't hurt myself (and by extension, my loved ones) again".

This will be very new to him, and it is a theme that I handle in pretty much every client case in my therapy work. The client's self-dialogue, the self-compassion or lack thereof. Which, in real life, is often not a concept that our own families and schools introduce to us to be familiar with.

For Hunter, this may translate into him making the decision to get help and truly accepting the gift of life that Flapjack gave him.

Basically this on a much bigger scale:

whereby in Flapjack's absence, he can truly believe in this new and positive fundamental belief about himself. The evidence that he managed to make it to that heartbreaking but incredibly beautiful place is pretty strong:

But before his happy ending, the pressure on himself to be useful to others via helping and working is likely going to come back and be used as his way of coping, and there's a chance it will cross the line into becoming a form of self-harm that he's relying on to avoid the frightening, deeper emotional pain. People around him know him well enough that they'll be able to spot his behavioral changes and then sense he is not going in a helpful direction. They'll see that it's hurting him even though it's the most familiar territory for his mind to be in, and someone is going to tell him to change that.

He's going to be seeing his friends with their palismen. How will it be like being among them, even if they are pretty good at supporting him? How would he attempt to make sense of the void that is the absence of the incredible love he experienced from that first friend, the absence of that mental link between witch and palisman?

What emotions could be lurking beneath the surface? Believe it or not, there are some signs from Luz's nightmare even though yes, Hunter was being controlled by The Collector. I wouldn't quickly dismiss this dark Flapjack-related scene as 100% being about The Collector's goal to scare Luz in the nightmare.

I think there was a smaller subplot going on as well.

The Collector needed material to work with in the first place, to perform the puppet acts: the material was whatever fears and whatever pain was already there in their targets.

The Collector didn't create Hunter's emotions from scratch for the puppet act; instead he manipulated and redirected what existed at the base level. All this wouldn't work as analogies of mental illness vs. mental health if The Collector could just engineer emotions on their own and simply replace whatever his puppet targets were already feeling. Emotions never vanish and always take up space somewhere, they are redirected, transformed or channeled into outlets even if it means they become repressed or locked away. But they never stop existing.

I have a feeling that despite the nightmare being Luz's, despite Hunter being used as an instrument for The Collector to achieve their goals...the pre-existing emotions that Hunter himself felt in his body, not puppet!Hunter's verbal responses towards Luz, were true. He is a haunted boi.

This face he makes above might be a hint at the worst of his pain. It might be the furthest he has felt from when he said "I like who I am right now" to Flapjack. In the place of that confidence from before, there might now be his own version of Luz's "I'm as bad as Belos". I cannot be entirely certain, but the negative belief that may have taken root in him could be "I am not deserving of the life Flapjack gave me".

Interestingly, if this is the case, it could easily parallel his line from all the way back in Any Sport in A Storm: "I'm unfit to wear the sigil of the Golden Guard." It's definitely a possibility, since Hunter is now faced with having a lot of time and space now, and less urgency than he's ever had in his life, to think back on all those times he helped to further Belos's cause. Especially when it came to sending many palismen to their deaths.

With his own palisman now dead, the engraving we would eventually see on Flapjack's grave: "Thank you for finding me", would be the destination. But the journey needed to reach that destination of amazing gratitude in the first place...must have been a harrowing one. In the early months of the acute grief, it would've been more like "Why did you have to find me?! You shouldn't have. Then none of this would've happened". Not forgetting the number of times Hunter has replayed in his head what he could've done differently, trying so desperately to rewind the clock and make that better alternate timeline a reality.

If you remove The Collector and even Luz from the equation in the Luz nightmare scene, Hunter may well be having such responses - the ones that puppet!Hunter directed at Luz to blame Luz - as a dialogue with himself. He might direct those negative emotions towards himself since he's so careful about hurting others and has taken on unfair punishment for so much of his life.

Even when he was temporarily himself, smiling, expressing a positive emotion to encourage Luz with "What's the first thing you do when you wake up from a bad dream?", that was him conversing with another person, someone external. Not his own self. I am willing to bet he wasn't at a point in his arc where he would smile at himself like that and easily encourage himself in the same way.

While we can be certain he had already reached his breakthroughs by the time we saw him post-timeskip, he has not experienced them yet in the frame above. He has not felt (yet) what Luz felt onscreen when she had breakthroughs in relation to her moral injury:

Taking a leap of faith to accept the Titan's gift, to trust that he chose her because she has a good heart and will never be Belos.

Then later, being able to stand firm, believing she truly is good ("I am the Good Witch Luz!"), and not uttering a word to Belos as he died - which was post-traumatic growth beyond how she broke down under his threats and manipulation towards the end of Hollow Mind and later in King's Tide.

Recap time. In the (quite likely) long period that passes by before we meet his new palismen, he's likely going to want to jump into action and attend meetings with Darius, Eberwolf and co, help to physically rebuild things and organize people with his own Coven Head experience. Leaning back on the ingrained and familiar lifestyle of pouring himself into work and gearing towards burnout is certainly a risk to watch out for.

The Hexsquad, CATTs and the Clawthorne sisters are going to notice his behavior and likely urge him to get appropriate rest and seek help.

However, there is the other extreme: Belos isn't around anymore to torment him, and Hunter would know this in the rational sense (head knowledge). Which leads to the possibility that he may swing towards shutting down as opposed to overworking tendencies. He would feel allowed to do whatever he wants, in this new Boiling Isles, and he had months of opportunities to do that in the early part of Thanks to Them before Belos's return.

What I'm getting at is, if he didn't sleep enough before, he might swing towards sleeping too much after finally collapsing from the familiarity of survival mode into unknown but genuinely safe territory. If he cared too much about helping others before, he might swing towards a depressive state of apathy (the closest canon reference point would be him digging his grave: he was very disarmed in that scene to even think much about helping anyone including Belos). This is why the screenshot I used of his smile drooping in The Collector's Palace, feels like a big clue to me. This would be where Darius, Camila and other adults have to seriously keep watch over him.

In the Cinema Therapy episode I had as a small reference for this post, the licensed therapist who hosts the series mentions that "It takes a lot longer to put oneself back together than it took to fall apart." In Hunter's case, the "falling apart" period here refers to that collapsing I mentioned. It would be the time between:

1. the grief hitting him in full force: when he subconsciously understands and acknowledges that Flapjack isn't coming back (which...will involve hell of a lot of wailing and sobbing. Him having a full version cry of those first few tears he shed at the end of TTT),

and

2. the time when the painful shock from feeling the full force of the grief has decreased enough that it plateaus.

This falling apart stage may need to pass before he seeks therapy. If he tries going for sessions while still going through that shock and pain, it might be too much for him.

As terrible and sad as it sounds, a deep dark spiral like this might be necessary. It would be his body and mind wanting to compensate for several years' worth of unnatural hypervigilance which wasn't serving him in a advantageous way (i.e. surviving) any longer. His body and mind begging for rest at last, to try and make sense of everything that happened. This big collapse into depression would empty out the old and free up much room in him for new stories, beliefs and perspectives to take root. Depression is, after all, the body's attempt to (maladaptively) try and protect us by numbing us, or else we would be overwhelmed.

As someone whom we know keeps himself very busy, this could be the period where he is the furthest he has ever been from that old simpler life. Because his CPTSD-ridden body would be demanding more than ever that he compensates for a childhood and teen years' lack of general rest, he may not even have the strength to cope the way he did before. The only way he might possibly cope in this period is to go with the flow of that raging current and do exactly what his body is asking of him: getting real rest.

Like what happened with Katniss in the Hunger Games trilogy, this early grieving stage would emotionally be difficult and terrifying, like walking along a tightrope, finding balance between left and right to angle yourself as straightly as possible and walk forward. (the tightrope metaphor is what I use with some of my clients to explain swinging between extremes of coping mechanisms).

The missing pieces of the puzzle in his arc, in the 4-year duration before the timeskip, might be his own version of these points in Luz's arc:

where she sank lower before she realized her deepest wish and emotionally experienced her worst fear in her Watching and Dreaming nightmare.

For Hunter, these could look like the following:

Like Luz saying it'd be better for everyone that she permanently stays in the human realm, Hunter might say he wants to remove himself from his loved ones in some way, for good. Whether a literal suicide attempt (like Katniss from The Hunger Games) or not, I can't say for sure.

A parental figure trying to reach out to him, saying he is deserving of Flapjack's gift. But he still struggles to believe that. What matters though is this parental figure is present and he's not pushing them away.

Him hearing some confirmation of his deepest negative belief about himself, in his own nightmares. Like Luz hearing the most terrifying things she could ever hear - Amity's "You've been the real villain this whole time" and "But for the sake of everyone you hurt, I challenge you to a witch's [duel]".

Him being able to reach an emotional space where he can begin to question that unhelpful belief: "Am I really deserving of Flapjack's gift?", or something similar.

The big moment when he finally tells someone how he really feels about the possession, Belos's death, Flapjack's absence in this new supposed peace and quiet....this would be the important invitation for the other person to connect and meet his emotional needs, and is a lot like how support groups for addiction work: a client needs to acknowledge that they are struggling with a problem, not avoiding it with distractions any longer, and then seek help and express their need for said help.

I suppose the question is how soon Hunter might decide to accept professional help and give it a go: or whether he'd have the genuine need for space first and say "I need some time". Because one's rational mind can be ready to go for therapy, but their subconscious and body would find it too unpleasant if it's too soon. Every part of him would have to be ready to begin putting himself back together after the falling apart stage occurs.

The messed up experience of CPTSD is that you stay shockingly calm during real danger, but on the flip side have big, disproportionate freakouts during actually safe times. Compare how calm Hunter was when he smiled at Luz in her nightmare while he was tied up with puppet strings vs. his fear and shame when he couldn't save Luz in Clouds on the Horizon. 

In a CPTSD memoir I read, the author describes that it was horribly frightening to hear her partner be in a bad mood and wash the dishes more loudly than usual, while during the pandemic, she felt completely calm seeing empty shelves in a supermarket when she struggled to get supplies.

From my own experience, I have experienced being pretty damn calm when bleeding out and needing hospitalization. But in a different year before that, I recall one afternoon alone in my house right before a vacation where a strong gust of wind very loudly slammed an open door shut next to where I happened to be standing, and I broke down sobbing from a retraumatization via an emotional flashback. Because it felt extremely real as if my abusive parent was lashing out to physically hurt me. 

After a 5-year period of mostly being in talk therapy, and then a 2-year period of regularly scheduled EMDR therapy, my response if I have a door loudly slam shut near me now would maybe be a smaller-scale flinch and a flash of anger that would last about maybe a minute. Which is miles better than sobbing for half an hour and being dissociated and frozen in a memory for hours before I thaw out of that flashback.

Since the show's writing is just that good, I could look at Luz's depressive symptoms manifesting in Thanks to Them and see a likely parallel in Hunter's story moving forward, since we know how much this show also digs neat and tidy parallels. These are characters written for TV after all, so they'd have to fit a formula to an extent, to have compelling arcs and reach high and low points along said arcs.

Part 2: Therapy Itself

Part 1 was the setup to give a good amount of context: now for the technicalities of the therapy sessions themselves:

Like Adrian Graye said in Labyrinth Runners, Illusion Magic can sort through memories. We have seen from Gus's own powerful Illusion abilities that he could do so with Belos. It makes sense that a therapist does this in sessions to have a magnified version of how in our world, therapists exercise empathy by imagining what it is like to be their clients:

I would monitor whether his mood (what he is feeling within) and affect (how the emotions appear on the outside e.g. tone of voice, face expressions) are congruent. Congruence usually means a client is in less distress. Incongruence might mean they are in so much pain that they can't connect directly with the main emotion: the perfect example of this being Hunter laughing when digging his grave.

We therapists take note of aspects such as affect, mood, the client's motor activity, any indicators of psychosis, even down to things like how untidy their hair looks in case we get clues about the severity of their issues (this is called a Mental Status Exam, and we write what we see in our case notes per session).

Because CPTSD is so relationship-centric, I'd discuss how he's getting along with new parental figures (the Belos replacements who will heal him so much and change his life forever!) and friends.

If the Boiling Isles therapists use their own equivalent of EMDR therapy, which is theorized to be like a waking version of how REM sleep and REM-related dreams help our brains to sort through memories, it sounds like a great fit for his case. This intervention involves subconscious work and could help him reshape how he experiences memories of Flapjack and Belos. EMDR clients are expected to see vivid images popping up without control in their mind during the sessions, and they are quite symbolic e.g. seeing a grey sky often indicates grief, seeing lighter colors indicates more calm. This technique helps a client's subconscious rewrite their story the way they'd like it to be, and install new positive beliefs and emotions over time.

My own example of EMDR experiences from the second half of 2019 as a client, is it majorly changed how I related to my own abuser, got me to finally feel allowed to emotionally break away from her, even though she is still alive and even lives in the same building.

In the early sessions, I saw an image of my 5-year-old self being forced to wear an ugly grey apron that my abuser used for baking. The apron is a real object, not fictional, and the emotions I felt showing up were matching with the image: feeling very uncomfortable seeing a visual representation of my abuser's hold over me.

But in a later session after a few months, guided by my therapist, I saw a vivid image of my abuser receiving a sea burial. She was lying peacefully on the water surface and sank down until she was gone. That was me subconsciously burying any expectation that she could ever provide what I needed. This was so powerful that I could go home after that session and permanently (so far) be significantly calmer around my abuser.

Therefore if Hunter goes through something like this, he'd potentially be able to put Belos to rest and have it feel very real and true: and have significantly reduced distress about Belos-related memories. There is the potential for powerful breakthroughs for him here, especially also related to Flapjack's death and how challenging it might be to carve palismen in the beginning. Especially since in the worst case scenario, even touching palistrom wood might be enough to badly trigger him. I cover this particular point a bit more in my other meta, Retraumatization and Self-Soothing (Part 1).

We would also be discussing what he's implementing into his routine and what may benefit him. I would be seeing if he is able to laugh about things, be motivated enough to be outdoors and among people, experience pleasure when creating new things, and form closer bonds with parental figures (what I just listed is to do with neurotransmitters in the brain that increase mental health: serotonin, endorphins, dopamine and oxytocin).

If I were his therapist I might suggest that whatever volunteering tasks he does, he carries those out with his friends, and time should be allocated to managing and taking care of a specific demographic: children. Because I think it'd be a safe, low stakes form of unfamiliarity for him to have enough emotional distance from his traumatic memories. Early months of acute grief usually require such emotional distance.

Having a good dose of an environment like that alongside the other tasks where he's working alongside Darius etc, could help him because kids' emotions are less complex, and their infectious laughter and fun-loving nature may play a role in helping him be more open with his own inner child. His therapist would be seeking to draw out that inner child in their sessions, and that little child would need to feel safe enough to emerge.

Importantly, his future palisman: it would've been interesting if he did what Luz did with Stringbean and allowed the palisman to be whoever they wanted to be...that would've been a nicely organic process. But even if he had a good idea to incorporate a Flapjack-like design but change details like the color, I'm sure he thought it through very well. I'm certain that this was a major topic of discussion at some stage of his therapy. Discussing the guilt he'd feel about replacing Flapjack vs. still taking Flapjack with him in a new way.

Coming from a strengths-based angle: paying attention to which of his individual strengths he is shows and recounts in the session. If he needs reminding, I could give him a simple worksheet listing various positive qualities and ask him to circle/colour in which ones he feels he has, which then prompts further discussion and questions. Lastly, a powerful tool called reframing e.g. if he says he's worried about being a nuisance to his friends, I'll point out how much he cares about their comfort and affirm that place of kindness.

Work on inviting self-compassion into how he sees himself. Is he able to view himself the way he views his friends? If he remembers the encouragement he gave to Luz about "turning on the light", I would ask him what that would look like in his own life, symbolically.

Hunter's own life has been a really really bad dream for a very long time. He himself has to reach for that light switch and choose to heal by embracing Flapjack's ultimate gift to him.

And we can rest assured that Hunter did that.

Because this post-traumatic growth right here?

This looks like multiple breakthroughs have taken place while he's been receiving consistent care from an excellent community. And there's no way it was an easily won victory. It has been very much hard-won, after how dark the story became in Hollow Mind and Thanks to Them, and it looks like whatever breakthroughs he had left him pleasantly surprised.

It doesn't seem like his heart and soul can contain this much joy and hope, without a very painful dismantling to have taken place first, to make room for the most unexpected treasures to fill his life back up.

The joy becomes even greater if you never would've expected it in your wildest dreams.

#toh hunter #toh analysis #toh spoilers #the owl house #loz writes a meta

[sirgogington]

My Word Vomit Response on the Shelby Situation

Main Situation: Last week Wilbur Soot from Lovejoy was accused of having been abusive towards his ex girlfriend Shelby. Shelby is a live streamer and last week she did a livestream about the signs of knowing if you are in an abusive relationship. She never stated his name, but from details given people started assuming it was about Wilbur Soot. A few days later Wilbur confirmed that it was him in an apology tweet on his Twitter account. The abuse had to do with painful biting, and manipulation. 

    I want to start off by saying I do believe Shelby's story. I don't think Wilbur is innocent, but I do believe this situation isn't as black and white as people are claiming it to be. 

    Former fans after hearing the story started unfollowing Wilbur and Lovejoy and saying what a terrible man that Wilbur is, and vowing to never listen to or view any of his content ever again. He's not just a terrible man, he has to be evil too. I may be optimistic but I do think most people can change for the better if they truly want to. There are exceptions, but I truly believe that Wilbur can. The internet wants to just label him as evil and not give him any room to do that. The new thing is "guilty until proven innocent" and that's super harmful as I will go into in a different post. The way people are spreading hate in a us/them mentality is not a mature way of viewing/handling this situation and does more harm than good. Especially when it comes to death threats and doxing which have been received by both sides.

   Wilbur is someone who had a hard upbringing, and has brought up at different times his struggles with mental health. On screen or on stage you would never know this about him, because he has this mask of being confident, well spoken, and joyful. Through these details Wilbur has shared we know that touring took a lot out of him mentally and put him in a bad place, but that he was seeking therapy and is probably currently still seeing a therapist to try and get better. He's shared in the past that when he first blew up on the internet he used alcohol to cope because of how overwhelming it was that so many people were consuming his content. From Shelby's stream we also learned that his living space was dirty and unhygienic and that he would make excuses for it. The details for me paint the picture of a guy struggling badly with mental illness and having a hard time caring for himself and his home. Someone who can hardly take care of themselves should not have been in a relationship. This puts a lot on the other person.  It's different if he were stable and then then his mental health crashed in the middle of a longer relationship, but not if your too mentally ill to begin with. I do deeply feel sorry that Shelby had to experience that, as it truly shouldn't have happened. 

   I went to school for psychology and know quite a bit about different types of mental illnesses. I am by no means diagnosing Wilbur, but I do think he shows signs of someone with Boderline Personality Disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder is an emotional disregulation disorder characterized by unstable mood, behavior, and relationships. People with BPD self sabotage and will frequently end up pushing people away because they don't think they're good enough for them. (In this case maybe he wanted to act so bad so she would leave him, which is very unhealthy). People with BPD also go through depressive episodes and can act impulsively. Without therapy it is extremely hard to cope with this condition but with therapy you can make great strides in changing. I think like most mental illnesses you are aware of the fact you don't like the way you're acting you just have a hard time controlling it. For instance for me growing up with anxiety I knew most of my fears were completely irrational but that didn't stop them from overtaking my life and still feeling anxious. Wilbur has written some really deep lyrics on his new solo album Mammalian Sighing Reflex and I feel like it reflects that he doesn't like the way he is and feels guilty about those he's harmed through it. Maybe I'm giving this man too much credit, but like I said I do believe most people are capable of changing for the better. 

   Shelby stated she did the livestream as a way to help protect other victims of domestic violence and Wilbur Soot himself. He might still be dangerous to the public, it's really hard to know. I know after my own situation with being manipulated I was worried about the guy going after other younger women like he had with me. I didn't want anyone else have to be in that situation so I understand where Shelby is coming from. I also know that if the guy in my life had ever posted an apology, no matter how good it was, that I still wouldn't believe him and have a hard time forgiving him. Bold take but I think his apology was at least decent. Could it have been better, yeah, but could it have been a lot worse, also yes. In his apology he admits to being the person Shelby was talking about. He states that her feelings are valid, and that he wants people to hold him to higher accountability, and that he was sorry for any hurt he caused. Maybe he isnt, but it's hard to know. Wilbur stated in a livestream from last October 2023 that he was going to therapy the next day, because of this we can assume that Wilbur has been going to therapy at minimum since October. In that same livestream he states that he showers once a day when he's in his "big sad", and that he has rented places all over Brighton. He is at least hygienic in this regard, maybe moreso than he was before. It could be a red flag that Wilbur has lived all over Brighton due to possible evictions whether that be negligence or noise complaints from doing livestreams.

   We'll never know how other content creators truly feel about him except for the ones that made it obvious. Of course most content creators are going to jump on the bandwagon and agree that he's an evil man. If they don't then they'll lose their platform because of all the hate they'd get. I do believe some content creators will still hang out with Wilbur secretly or still even remain his friend. But we'll never know. 

   For the people who are posting different video evidences of Wilbur supposedly showing signs of being abusive in the past this is what is called confirmation bias. If you believe someone is abusive suddenly you can find details in the littlest things to confirm your thought process. A lot of the clips I've been seeing have been of normal everyday behavior or confirmed bits. I've seen people say that Wilbur must have bit down really hard to leave bruises. In some cases people bruise more easily than others. I know I have random bruises on my body from nothing. We can tell that what Wilbur did however was pretty painful due to have to use a safe word. Getting bitten usually hurts. I've been bitten by a 5 year old at work and can't imagine how it would feel to be bitten by a grown man who intentionally bit down hard.

This could be confirmation bias as well, but when looking at the lyrics in Mammalian Sighing Reflex and at the album art it seems to tell the story of a man (Wilbur) who really messed up in a relationship and is feeling the pain from that, and has a lot of regret due to knowing he was the cause of her pain. He poured so much of himself into the album it's like he's bleeding out in front of the audience with the amount of vulnerability.

Analyzing lyrics because why not, using lyrics from "Mammalian Sighing Reflex"

"I get so drunk I can barely see." If this album is related to his relationship with Shelby, which I think it probably is, then maybe he tried to cope with the relationship failing by using alcohol, or sabotaged the relationship through drinking.

"A lot of friends have left my life, escaping my tractor beam of woe" Having a mental illness can make it hard to maintain friendships. This could be because it makes you so self-focused on your problems, or that people get tired of hearing about your problems. If you constantly talk about how sad you are, some people are going to have a hard time dealing with that, or get burnt out from having to keep on cheering you up.

"Fuck my life, you cared when I was sick, no one ever gave a shit.....you fought this war one-sided and asked me what am I doing this for." These lyrics seem to speak about how in a past relationship (probably meaning with Shelby), that she cared that he was mentally ill/in a low point and wanted to help him get better. The fight to help him get better was one-sided due to Wilbur not helping to get himself better. If he would have helped her then they "could of stitched my mind together."

"Never been the one for romance, never thought that I'd get married. Never been the kind to give a shared life a second glance, selfish prose." In Shelby's livestream she talked about how her and Wilbur talked about the possibility of getting married and having kids until he backtracked and said that he wasn't that way and changed his mind.

The song "I Don't Think It Will Ever End" is how his mind seems to work in cycles. He'll be sad, because he feels sad he hides away for a bit, but then he feels silly for hiding himself so he forces himself to interact with people. But then when forcing himself to interact again he feels sad, which he says is not a good feeling when you're supposedly in a good phase. He says as self-sabotage he gets silly. Wilbur is known for telling a lot of jokes, and maybe this is a way he masks his true feelings. Also for Mammalian Sighing Reflex it says the songs were written by William Gold (his legal name) and performed by Wilbur Soot (his stage name). Wilbur is who the internet/fans see him as and William Gold is who he really is. Meaning the way we see him online is the extroverted, charismatic, likeable guy we know him as whereas William Gold is introverted, self-sabotaging, nerdy, and a deep thinker.

     The internet gives us way too much information. We're constantly bombarded with more and more information. Before the internet and even in the earlier internet days you did not have this. People were not being as closely viewed and known as they are now. You have to be careful about every little thing you say, because God forbid you say the wrong thing and get canceled. It didn't used to be this way. The only reason you'd ever know anything bad about a celebrity is if they were in the news. I think most of the media we consume whether TV shows, movies, etc. have the potential to have us supporting "bad people". It would be overwhelming to look up every single person we had ever consumed media from and sift through what are lies and what are not about each actor, singer, etc. I get that people don't want to give a platform to people doing bad things, but it's almost impossible to know and to remove every single bad person from the content you consume.  Being a celebrity in general is hard. It's easy to become addicted to drugs, and experience toxicity especially celebrities that live in Los Angeles. Most become people they regret, but some change for the better too. I'm not saying people who do serious crimes should get out of jail because they can become better people. People in jail should remain in jail for serious crimes. Time will tell what becomes of him. If more about him is released or if he's able to actually make strides in his health like he said he would. We will wait and see. I really hope he can heal and get better. Even the most unlikely ones can change their lives. You can both support Shubble and hope that Wilbur gets better.

#wilbur soot #lovejoy

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not wanting my friends to visit?

(English isn't my first language and this might be too long)

I (26 X) live in a different city from a bunch of friends who constantly travel here due to concerts and other massive events (think at least twice per year). I've always tried being welcoming in the past bc I too used to live in a much smaller city and wished I could attend concerts on a more regular basis, plus I've been friends with people in this group for more than 10 years, so I tend to be comfortable around them in almost any situation.

One friend (26M) from such group has recently moved in with me, and we've been roomates for almost half a year now, however I noticed the number of request to coming over and staying has exponentially increased since he moved in last year (think at least one person every two months and the number of days increasing to up to one week when previously they used to stay not more than four).

Normally, this wouldn't bother me considering that they are all common friends, but recenetly I've been going through a particular depressive episode where all I want to do is not being bothered by anyone in my own house (my roomate being the exception since I'm used to him being there) and I've been having trouble getting along with the more often visits. While adding the fact that since my friemd moved in, everyone just sort of stoped directly asking me if it was okay to stay and just asking the roomate instead and making him tell me.

I've expressed my fatigue to my roomate, along my dislike of not being considered as an essential part of the plan when other friends prepare their stay, I've been certainly feel used by them while also being aware that my depression fuels any negative feeling that crosses my way, but he and the others have reasurred me that it's just easier to bother him with such details since they know I'm not doing so well. I've agreed with their plans nonetheless thinking I could get better or just ignore them, but there's this big concert next month where a bunch of people are coming to stay for over a week and I'm just feeling overwheled thinking about it.

There is one particular case that troubles me the most as a guest, bc since other friends might just be a little draining, she (24F) and I used to be in some sort of "situationship" about a year ago that never really went anywhere and while we put some distance we did end up in relatively good terms. I've been told multiple times that I can't throw away this long friendship just because I caught feelings at some point and while I can act normal around her in public, there's just this terrible dreadful feeling of imagining her being back in my house as though nothing has happened.

The three of us (her, my roomate and I) used to be the closest from the group of friends and as such I've allowed him to invite her over (mind you, a completly diferent city) while I've been away, but can't stand the idea of her being there at the same time as me. My roomate has told both of us we ought to patch things down (so everything can be as before) but every instance we've tried to talk I've just been convinced I want her less and less inside my house.

This should be pretty obvious for me, but I've gotten to a point of avoiding my own house for weeks bc depression keeps telling me no one wants me there and I'm the problematic one while not wanting to upset my roomate (it is also his house afterall) or the other friends who keep making plans to visit, with my irritable mood and also being reminded that THEY have no problem with me and its okay if I need to take my space.

AITA if I'm considering completly shuting down all visits for a what's left of the year despite people having made plans since last year and (inderctly) telling me said plans with anticipation? I just don't know what else to do but changing most of these people plans when I'm feeling bad all the time around other people and not being able to properly express that in a way where everyone don't just think I'm a resentful toxic ex and that my problem is just with one person.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[mysticalsoot]

hi Connor! can i request a hurt/comfort cc!Wilbur x reader in which reader's going through a rough path of mental health? to be more specific, a lot happened and they're overwhelmed, their mind is all over the place and they need someone to assure them that they're human and not some sort of flickering ghost like they thought. it'd be nice if there's no pronoun in the writing and Wilbur holding reader hands, squeeze it to remind them that they're human :)

don't lock yourself away (request)

A/N; this took me too many months to get to you and for that, I am sorry- but here it is!! I'm trying to work more and more on my requests so hopefully this is the start of many more request posts!!

summary; reader goes through a rough patch mentally and sort of disappears and wilbur gets fed up, taking matters into his own hands and reminding reader that they aren't all what their brain says they are :)

tw// swearing, $uicidal ideation a bit, negative thoughts, depression, dissociation (some), uhh I think that's all?

words; 1.5k

pairings; cc!wilbur x gn!reader

pronouns; none, at least one use of y/n tho!!

masterlist

---------------------------------------------------------

Like most other people, your mental health wasn't always the most steady. You'd come and go between happy, good days and depressing, bad days. Most of the time, your depressive episodes didn't even have much of a cause. Your mental health was simply a precariously stacked pile of things with one last feather on the top, and when it would touch the tower of reasons, it'd cause it to fall over.

You weren't sure what your reason was this time. But nonetheless, whatever it was; threw you over the pier into the ocean of despair. It's been a week since you left your flat, and you stopped answering calls and texts five days ago, and now you felt as though you were rotting—but in the comfort of your sheets and pillows.

Rotting away in comfort sounded like a good way to go, your eyes slipping shut to never open again—you stopped yourself every time you thought that. It was easy to succumb to the negative and end all thoughts but you managed to stop yourself—at least this time you did.

Your phone was most definitely dead and Wilbur knew that. Every call he sent through would go straight to voicemail and every text went unanswered. He understood if you were busy, but it had been so many days since anybody heard you from. And yeah, he was on tour for half of your isolation from the world—but he still cared. He really really cared, but he didn't know what to do. What was he supposed to do?

He’d called and texted and even went to your apartment with his spare key--but it didn’t fit. And you weren’t answering your door either.

Maybe he had an old key or maybe your apartment building changed the locks while he was gone and you didn't get the chance to tell him—hypotheticals aside, he had no real idea of what had happened or what was going on. And that scared him. It terrified him, actually.

It was a fear that went deep in his bones, that maybe something had happened and no one noticed or told him and he'd never find out why. Your door wasn't working, you weren't answering his calls and texts, what else was he meant to think? He tried knocking, truly he did, but there was still no response or sounds

He tried everything but it wouldn't budge, so he resorted to resting against the door as he sat on the carpeted hall. He'd wait here as long as he needed to. And so he messaged Tommy that he wouldn't be able to do a vlog with him tomorrow and he settled in to figure out what to do. He wasn't sure if he cared about being polite, maybe he should find a way to break in, just so he can make sure you're okay—but that would probably scare you and he can't risk that, can he?

At this point, he might as well. He brings himself back to his feet and grabs a safety pin he left in his wallet—mostly just to pick the lock at his office when he locked himself in, because whatever genius engineer decided the lock of his office's doors should be on the outside also made it very difficult to keep unlocked. It was like the doors had minds of their own. It was a few moments before he heard a click and he muttered a phrase of excitement before he jingled the door open and closed it behind him when he stepped a foot into your apartment.

He gazes around for any sign of you or life in general and not much was found. Surprisingly, things were decently tidy, there weren't any dishes or chores undone—which was unusual for what he assumed to be a depressive episode but he shrugged it off and beelined for your bedroom after dropping his keys in the bowl next to the door. He's quick to shuffle the door open and his eyes almost immediately land on your curled form.

You're laying under the covers, curled up into yourself and you're silent. Wilbur steps closer to the bed and he calls out for you, "Love?" He steps closer again, "Darling?"

You mumble something incoherent and he's taken aback by how out of it you are-- how unlike yourself you are. He finds his spot next to you and lays a hand on your hip, “Y/N?”

You don’t respond, keeping to yourself, trying to still your breaths--make yourself disappear into the mattress. Maybe he won’t ask questions then, maybe he’ll go away if you don’t answer.

He pulls away his hand a whine nearly drawls itself from your throat, you liked that but you’d never admit it in this state.

“I know you're not going to answer me, so I’m going to tell you what I think and hope you're listening, okay?” He turns on his side to face you, your eyes are wide open now and he smiles a bit to himself, taking a deep breath before continuing, “I think you feel like a shell. You do this a lot, when you're upset or in a funk. I know you can’t help it, I know it's human nature to hide away within yourself and your safe spaces. I don’t blame you, my love. But I need some assurance I’m not going to lose you, okay? A simple nod now or a simple word texted to me later when you feel yourself spiraling. So I can be there for you, I want to be but you have to let me first.”

During his small speech, you found yourself curling into the fetal position, hiding your face in the covers and by your pillows. You closed your eyes and you felt that pang of guilt in your chest despite his reassuring words.

“You’re here, you’re real, and you’re loved, okay?” He nods softly to himself, lips forming a thin line as he crawls out of the bed, “I’ll be out in the living room if you need me, okay? Come talk to me when you feel like it.”

His words echoed in your mind as you heard him leave the door cracked behind him. You felt terrible for making him feel as scared as he must be, yet you still needed a minute and you hoped that was enough. You opened your eyes, carefully eyeing the crack of light through the door, feeling yourself getting heavier with sleep, your eyes drooping shut.

A few hours later and your eyes were opening and a yawn was let out as you stretched, reaching over at Wilbur’s side of the bed only to find it cold. You felt better now, for some odd reason, and as memories of a few hours prior seeped in, you knew why. Maybe isolating yourself only made you feel more alien and the thought of his words so kind and so careful was so beautifully overwhelming. It was something you weren’t sure you could ever have a full grasp upon. Someone loving you as deeply and as carefully as Wilbur does.

You didn’t take much thought as you tossed your legs over the side of the bed, pushing yourself up to stand, ignoring the ache in your muscles as you dragged yourself over to the door and being methodical with how slow you opened the door--avoiding any screeches of the hinges. And then you were careful again, taking soft steps towards the living room, and when there was no sight of Wilbur, you pattered over to the kitchen. Being fully sure you were quiet and slow as you walked up behind him, wrapping your arms around his stomach and pressing the side of your head against his back. You felt him relax under your touch, any tension or worry completely fizzling from his being.

“I feel transparent, Wil. Like a ghost wandering aimlessly through life. I don't feel real, y’know?” You hum softly against his back, pressing soft and careful kisses against his back. He turns in your grasp to face you, leaning against the counter as he uses his pointer finger to lift your chin up so your eyes meet his. Only a soft love is held in his eyes, almost a promise in the way they glisten. An unspoken promise of forever.

“You aren’t a ghost, you’re a star. Everyone looks up at your shining light and thinks of how beautiful and wonderful it is to exist at the same time as a sight like that,” He moved his hands behind his back to grasp yours. The hold was gentle as he met your eyes again, voice merely a whisper, “You’re real, you’re special, you’re important.”

He squeezed your hands with every word and you nodded gently, a playful smile forming, a gentle scoff following, “I feel compelled to believe you.”

“Well, you should,” He smiled wider, moving his hands to rest on your sides, pulling you flush against him, “Now, do me a favor and, don’t lock yourself away.”

You nod in agreement, “I won’t, I promise.”

taglist; @sleepyburs @ella-fella-bo-bella @lillylvjy

#wilbur soot #cc!wilbur #wilbur soot x reader #wilbur #cc!wilbur x reader #cc!wilbur soot x male reader #cc!wilbur soot #wilbur gold #wilbur soot imagine #wilbur soot x gn!reader #wilbur x reader #dsmp wilbur

[moonstrider9904]

And so, the last Bad Batch Eve falls upon us.

It is surreal to think that a show that has meant so much to me for three years will come to an end. I've talked about how meaningful TBB is to me many times, and I most certainly will in the future, but I didn't want to pass on the opportunity to do it on the last Bad Batch Eve we'll officially have.

The night before Aftermath premiered, I'd struggled with some pretty bad anxiety. In the weeks following after that and throughout the first season, I dealt with depression and anxiety being diagnosed as well as an ear infection the doctor attributed to said mental illnesses. I went through a pretty bad breakup. The lockdowns were at their peak where I was. But despite that being a rough time, I also vividly remember being in my room at home, my favorite place in the world, eating my favorite food and drinking my favorite relaxing tea, hearing it rain outside, wearing my favorite hoodie and my PJs, watching/rewatching those season 1 episodes. Seeing Crosshair deal with the inhibitor chip seemed to echo some of what I was going through, i.e. having something in your head you couldn't really control. I wondered how afraid he must have felt, and I sympathized with him.

During S2, as Crosshair was off with the Empire, I was off living in my hometown the first time, away from my true home and my family, and I have to admit I was very lost during that time. I did make mistakes. I did return home, and I left it again, albeit now more ready, more prepared, more stable. But it was still a second time leaving home.

S3 Crosshair has all but solidified my intent in going back home and not freaking leaving and I really hope the day in which I can return home to my family the way he did is sooner rather than later. Seeing him grow, own up to his mistakes, forgive and be forgiven, learn to control what's in his head, and heal, feels like a very fitting peak to a journey, a journey that had and still has its ups and downs.

And let's not forget the writing and the fandom. I have written things I didn't think I'd write, things I've loved so much that part of me wants to go back in time and rewrite to experience the joy of doing it all over again (looking at Moonlight here lol). I have also made gifs, which I didn't ever imagine doing! I edited music videos and crack meme compilations, which I had wanted to do for years. Fear not, I'll keep doing all of that - slowly, yes, but not with any less love. Y'all are stuck with me. 😁🩷

And as if all I've mentioned wasn't already very valuable, I cannot forget all the beautiful, wonderful, amazing people I've met because of this show. People who I've learned from, laughed with, cried with, fangirled with, gamed with... every single one of you has been the icing on the cake, the lattice on the pie, the parmesan on the pasta. You have all truly made this worth it and make me love being in the fandom. You give what I do a greater purpose, and you have become people I am happy to call moots and friends. I am over the moon that this show allowed me to cross paths with you. @photogirl894 @rebekadjarin @darthzero22 @arctrooper69 @jedi-hawkins @stardustbee @s-pirth-lemonade @eloquentmoon @sageislostinspring @nahoney22 @freesia-writes @kimageddon @emperor-palpaminty @rainydaydream-gal18 @imabeautifulbutterfly @paperback-rascal @pankeki-25 @dragonrebelrose @dragonrider9905 @questforgalas @lightwise @zoruui @nunanuggets @misogirl828 and everyone else 🩵

I love The Bad Batch and what it's done for my life in so many aspects. I love these characters for their growth and because they were there for me when nobody was, and because they brought me to so many amazing people. I am grateful that this show exists and I cannot wait to keep creating all the stuff I have planned, writing or otherwise.

Thank you, Clone Force 99, and thank you everyone for being a part of this journey!

🩷🌙

#moonstrider speaks #the bad batch #star wars tbb #clone force 99 #star wars #bad batch eve #tbb #tbb season 3

[genericpuff]

Hi! Maybe this is a difficult question with no answer, but as a fan of Rekindled who might want to start their own comic, what do you suggest to avoid burnout? Do you start wiht writting the script right away, you doodle a bit,..? Thanks for reading, I love how you draw big noses, makes me more comfy with mine!

no fr my dark secret is that i've been experiencing burnout with my main original project that I've spent the last decade working on for literally a year now. this isn't the first long hiatus i've taken, the longest one i've ever been on has lasted two years, and it's undoubtedly not the last i'll experience because the lump of salt and fat and tissue that is my brain often overworks itself into exhaustion like a big dummy

rekindled has been my reprieve from the burnout. it has been my vacation from years of working on the same project, meeting the same deadlines, drawing the same characters, over and over and over again since before i was in college.

if there's anything working on rekindled has made clear to me, it's that i'm still capable of drawing comics. the comic-making isn't the problem. it's just that when you work on the same project for years and trap yourself in an uphill battle, eventually your climbing gear is bound to break.

if there's another thing that rekindled has opened my eyes to, it's the insanity that i put myself through prior to rekindled that led to my burnout in the first place.

i get people telling me that they couldn't imagine doing what i do, that even before i had my assistant helping me out, i was still able to put out 30-40 panel updates every week.

but before that, i was putting out 70-90 panel episodes of my original work. every week. full color. full spread action scenes. no assistant. very little financial gain aside from a couple patrons on patreon and one dedicated viewer on twitch, which i was also streaming on 2-3 times a week.

and now that i've been working on rekindled and even finding myself often crunched for time with that, i have zero clue, no idea, a complete lack of comprehension of how i pulled off 70-90 panels a week for months on end. there's a reason it resulted in burnout and i know that now. this comparison is not for the sake of a flex - this comparison is to make it clear that much of what i do isn't the norm and isn't exactly a healthy standard. case in point, i sneezed while sweeping up yesterday morning and it caused a muscle strain in my lower back/hips and i've been working out of my bed since, i'm in a lot of pain and it might mean i don't make any money this week if it's not better by the time i have to do my appointments at my day job on thursday. my need to create my personal passion projects is often at odds with my bad habits of not taking care of myself 。゜゜(´Ｏ`) ゜゜。

when it comes to tackling burnout, your guess is as good as mine. really it just comes down to rest. when burnout - real, true burnout - hits, it's not just "man i'm bored of working on this", it's "i can't even think of looking at this thing let alone working on it", it's basically akin to depression and it's an awful thing that i wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy (even with Rachel, I don't want to psychoanalyze her mental health but it does seem like she's possibly been experiencing burnout with LO for years now and that really sucks for her if that's true). so the solution is just as complicated as the cause, it's not something that you can just rest from for a week and come back from, it takes real long-term healing.

when I found my way out of that 2 year hiatus, it was in spring of 2019 and I decided to just work on a random comic page that wasn't even in the comic I was working on. and then suddenly it was like a switch flicked back into the on position and i didn't even finish what i was working on, i just went back to my original project and i kept working on it until it was finally finished at the end of 2021. as suddenly and randomly as it had set in, it was gone. but i can't just do the same thing this time, it just doesn't work that way.

that said, through all this, i've learned that my need to create is not restricted to any one tangible thing, i'm not doomed or designed to stick with the same words, the same faces, the same ideas until the end of time. while i do try to keep up healthy routines for myself to ensure i'm looking out for my future self and their deadlines and their upload schedules, sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants. and in my case, the heart wanted to take a break from the self-reflective psychological analysis dark fantasy weebo stuff and just draw some pink and blue characters a little less ugly. the self-reflective weebo shit will still be there when i'm done with the pink and blue stuff, and i'll surely have loads of new things to unpack through it once i return.

there are still times when i'm working on rekindled and i'm feeling the creeping hand of my routine destruction digging its claws into my back. the reality is that 30-40 panels is still a lot for someone like myself who's doing this entirely for free, but my definition of normal for a while was so insanely inhumane that even what's still considered a lot by most people's standards feels sane and normal to me after what i put myself through.

i've learned to be more gentle with myself, and to loosen my own expectations of what i'm capable of to ensure i don't do anything like that to myself, by myself, again. i give myself room to create without expectations or the pressure of eyes watching when i can, and i remind myself that even if burnout rears its head again, and again, and again, the will to create is not gone. it's just tired, and resting, and growing, and healing as i am.

anyways that turned into a self-reflective essay post, to answer your question about making stuff ahead of time, i find that's more helpful with just like, planning out a structured story (so you don't write yourself into a corner) but whether or not it helps with burnout kind of depends. because it can just as also easily be the cause of the problem because constantly seeing the stuff you wanna be drawing so far away can be just as much of a morale killer as a motivator. some of the stuff i'm super psyched to write and draw with time gate is years away and that timeline grows longer the more the burnout goes on which makes the struggle feel even more overwhelming and pointless and defeating. so plan ahead, but keep it all within your means if you can. i find what works for me is planning out just general beat-to-beat plot structures (to ensure i at least have a plot skeleton going on so i know where i'm going) then i leave the finer details to when the actual episode i've planned gets closer to fruition and i can get myself in the headspace to write it fully.

also remember that just because you're really excited and motivated to work on your comic doesn't mean you should work yourself into exhaustion - it's a good thing if you're going through the mundane of your daily routine and the whole time you're hyped af to work on your hobby/personal project/etc. because that's what will keep you moving forward, so don't spend all that hype in one place by working and working and working until you're exhausted, because that hype is REALLY hard to get back after you've spent it all.

long post over! hope that helps! best of luck in your projects! ( ´ ∀ `)ノ～ ♡

#also aaah thank you for the nose compliment haha #i love drawing different kinds of noses <3 #ama #ask me anything #anon ama #anon ask me anything #self post

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

A contradictory one, 5 and angsty!! 🤣

Warnings: Descriptions of a deep depressive episode and it's effects on daily life.

Harry felt so absolutely helpless when you were like this. He knew that you were going through a lot and were deeply depressed, but he didn't know how bad. You'd been friends for a while and he knew that this was something that you struggled with occasionally and right now you were in a really bad place and he just wanted to make contact, maybe go out for a coffee or even just have a meal at yours to ensure you were alive and then he'd go.

You felt bad because you had dodged his calls and texts for weeks now because you were ashamed of the condition you were in. You would always respond days later when he'd ask to hang out or just let your phone ring when you'd see his name light up your screen. You knew he meant well, but you didn't want anyone to see you like this, especially him. Your home was dark and cold, you had probably been in the same clothes all week and the last time you had a shower was 4 days ago. You were hungry, but had no energy to cook the groceries you'd had delivered the week before. They were probably spoiled by now. Your garbage was stacked with take out containers and you just couldn't bare the thought of having to walk down the hall to dump the bag down the garbage chute. You knew your kitchen sink was stacked with mugs of unfinished tea, and your clean laundry was just stacked up on a corner of your bed. You just felt so sluggish and low and down. You couldn't do anything. When your doorbell rang you groaned and stood, you were expecting your lunch order.

You dragged your feet through your apartment, already dreading the sunlight that would surely assault your vision when you opened up the door.

"Hey." you heard Harry's voice as you squinted to try and see him.

"What're you doing here?" you asked him with a frown.

"I came to check on you because you've been avoiding me for weeks! You've left me on read since Tuesday!" he reminded you.

"To be fair I'm leaving everyone on read, H." you assured your friend with a faint smile that definitely didn't reach your eyes.

"Even more cause for me to check if you're alive." he said and then sighed.

"Can I come in?" he asked you and you shook your head.

"No." you said immediately.

"I promise I won't overstay, brought you some stuff." he said as he raised his shoulder to draw your attention to his tote and as you looked over it you could see a bouquet of tulips peeking out of the back.

"It's not that I'm not happy to see you. S'just...everything's really untidy and I just...I don't want you to see me like this, OK?" you said and he nodded.

"It's alright, I understand. I've been there." he assured you and you sighed, "I just want to help, love." he said to you.

"I know...I know everyone wants to help but like...I can't do anything right now and I-"

"You don't have to do anything. You just get back in bed and pass out if you want. I got you some actual good noise cancelling headphone because the ones you have suck." he said and you smiled at him and shook your head, "Just let me be here with you for a little bit." he appealed. You weighed the options out in your mind and well, you did want someone to just be with you... but you were embarrassed...and well, you just pushed yourself to get over it as you nodded.

"OK." you finally agreed and he smiled, "Just...don't judge...remember this place how I usually have it." you said and he smiled.

"I'd never judge you." he assured you and you smiled at him, you knew it was true.

"Thanks." you said softly before you let him inside. It was impossible not to notice how messy everything actually was the deeper he went into your flat. It made him sad for you. He'd definitely been in a depression where he was in this condition. Where everything seemed impossible. It was really awful and demoralizing. "I don't want to take you to my room...s'a disaster." you explained.

"That's alright. Let's set this down first." he suggested and you nodded as you guided him over to your little dining table. It was stacked up with mail but nothing more. "These are obviously for you." he said as he carefully pulled out the bouquet of pink and yellow tulips and handed them to you.

"They're lovely, thank you." you hummed and he smiled.

"Course. And I brought you peanut m&m's, hot Cheetos but baked for obvious health reasons," he added and you giggled, "And I made some zucchini bread as well." he said with a grin, he knew you loved his zucchini bread, "I also brought you a bath bomb that I personally loved when I got it." he shared and you smiled, "And then the lady at the store also up-sold me into getting you two more bath bombs and a neck pillow for your tub." he said and you shook your head as he pulled the paper baggy out of his tote, "She gave me the most popular ones they have." he explained and then pulled out the pillow.

"Well thank you, I appreciate it." You thanked him and while you were initially caught off guard, you were glad that he had dropped by. It was nice to talk to someone and be distracted from all of the negativity that was clouding your mind. You knew that there were far better things for Harry to be doing with his time, so you felt even more grateful for his time and attention. After chatting for about half an hour you actually had shared your lunch with him and he persuaded you to talk a walk with him around your apartment complex just to help "get your food down" before he left you to it. But of course, the sunlight and light breeze did wonders for your mood.

"Can we just...sit for a second?" you asked him before you turned around to get back to your building and he nodded. You both sat on a bench by the little path and you closed your eyes and exhaled slowly. Harry just stayed silent, but close to you, his warmth beside you made the moment feel more wholesome. It'd been at least a week since you'd gone outside. It was just so emotional and you couldn't help it as your eyes teared up. When you felt Harry's hand squeeze yours you inhaled sharply. "I'm OK, I promise. It's just been a while since I've managed to come out." you explained as you blinked away your tears.

"It's alright." he assured you. After another 10 minutes or so you started walking back slowly in silence. And when you got back to your door he was planning on just grabbing his things and going.

"H-harry, do you maybe wanna stay over? If you don't have plans!" you added, "We could set up a little fort in the living room and watch movies or a show? I'm sure I can manage to at least fold my laundry with supervision." you said and he nodded and smiled.

"Yeah, of course." he agreed and you smiled.

"Alright, just ummm make yourself at home. I'm think I'm just gonna have a shower." you said, more than ready to make use of the surge of energy that little walk gave you.

"Probably a bath too, yeah?" he asked.

"I don't want to leave you alone for too long." you explained.

"S'alright. I brought a book." he assured you.

"Positive?" you asked him again and he nodded.

"S'why I brought the stuff, so you can relax a little."

"OK, thank you. I swear, I won't be more than an hour." you said and he chuckled.

"It's alright, take you time. " he assured you and you smiled and thanked him before you headed off with a couple of the things he'd bought for you.

*******

Harry was more than happy that you'd elected to take the headphones with you, probably to listen to music while you had a bath. But while you showered he decided that he'd tidy up your kitchen quickly and efficiently. He washed your mugs and threw out anything spoiled in your fridge, and wiped down the counters, swept, and mopped even if you hadn't really cooked, and when he finished that he went to throw out your garbage. He even took to dusting around your apartment, staying out of your room like you'd asked.

When you finally came out to change you put all of your clean clothes in the hamper to fold it while you hung out. You set it down where Harry was in the living room watching TV now.

"Feel better?"

"Much better." you hummed and he smiled, "Just gonna grab some water." you said and hurried off and you audibly gasped as you walked into your kitchen. You hurried back out to the living room, "Harry!"

"What?" he asked nonchalantly and you pouted as your eyes glazed over with tears.

"You shouldn't have." you sniffled and he stood and hugged you tight.

"I wanted to. Told you, I've been through this before, love. And I know that while you don't have the energy to fix it, seeing it all messy and whatnot makes you feel even worse about yourself...it's this awful cycle that just...makes you feel really bad and it's just something small honestly, I'm sorry if I overstepped I just-"

"Thank you." you cried in his arms and he smiled sympathetically as he hugged you a bit tighter. You had honestly been feeling so alone, but were so ashamed to let anyone see you like this. It was easy to avoid people or to pretend like everything was fine when you'd have your work meetings over zoom. This was a nice interruption to your pattern as as you hugged him you decided that you would not be sleeping in the living room. You could clean your room a bit as well and be comfortable for the night.

Once you'd calmed down you decided to wash your bedding and tidy up a bit and you even let Harry vacuum your bedroom while you folded your laundry. With help, these tasks didn't feel draining. It was also that all the nice things he'd done for you today were helping you feel a bit better.

As you laid together in bed that night you talked about a lot of things until Harry fell asleep. Unfortunately, you'd been battling some insomnia, it was a common symptom with your depression, so it took you a little bit longer, but when he turned into your side pulled you against him instead of fighting it you just relaxed into his hold until you also fell asleep. You woke up exactly the same way, with him cuddling you close. And while you knew that you were nowhere near the end of this depressive episode, you felt hopeful that slowly and surely, things would start to get better.

READ MORE PICTURE PROMPT BLURBS HERE!

#harry styles #harry styles blurb #harry styles angst #harry styles fluff #harry x you #harry x reader #harry styles x you #harry styles x reader #best friend!harry #picture prompts 2 #0nlythrowharrybeaux

[rederiswrites]

So ME/CFS (myalgic encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and fibromyalgia are two syndromes (collections of symptoms often found together, with unknown causative mechanisms) with largely overlapping symptoms. They're currently classified as different diagnoses, but there are plenty of people who aren't convinced that they're actually different things. The biggest diagnostic difference seems to be whether the pain or the fatigue is the biggest problem.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who, like me, couldn't possibly say which of those is ruining my life more. I, like many, fulfill all the diagnostic criteria for both. I have the specific patterns of pain and inflammation characteristic of fibro, but I also have the postural orthostatic problems (Stand Up Feel Real Bad disorder) and extreme fatigue of ME/CFS. There's no test; diagnosis is an inherently subjective thing.

This is just gonna keep being about medical problems, so have a cut.

I also have problems that may be related or may be separate or may be part of the constellation of physical issues associated with ADHD, like loose tendons that lead to terrible core strength and janky joints. So while generally the pain spots for fibromyalgia are considered to have no actual material cause, I am pretty sure that my right hip and shoulder are in fact fucked up, and fibro is just making it experientially worse. I've also got a rib that spends more than half its time in just slightly the wrong goddamn place. I have multiple friends who have hypermobility problems that make mine look like a papercut, but combining them with fibro isn't a lot of fun.

A few months back, at my bestie's prompting and with his help, I started eating keto, which is essentially just restricting carbohydrates so harshly that they represent less than 20% (or less than 10%, this seems to be bioindividual) of your diet, at which point your body begins building energy transport molecules out of fat (ketones) instead of glucose. This has a history of treating several conditions (originally, seizures, but now also diabetes and inflammatory conditions), well before it became popular for weight loss.

It was an experiment. Believe me, I have mixed feelings about the fact that it worked. At first, it worked really, really well. I went from mostly bedbound to up and working full days outside. I've started to hit diminishing returns and having to nap more often, but it's still a radical improvement. I just forget how bad it was too fast. I hate how fast we forget how far we've come.

I haven't talking about it though, because I am so conflicted about restrictive diets as a thing. This started as an experiment, and as an experiment I could sell myself on no apples no potatoes no rice no crackers no no no no etc for a few weeks. After a few weeks I could decide whether it was worth it. And now here we are and it works.

But I've gone through So Much food restriction, starting when Phantom was two and we discovered that gluten fucks us both up. Then the Boy was sensitive to so many things as a baby that I cut out the entire Top Eight allergens (let's see, can I remember? Milk, eggs, peanuts, gluten, corn, soy, uhh....others...) for a year while he was nursing. Once you've cut wheat AND eggs AND corn out there is almost no commercial product you can eat and you have to prepare everything from scratch. With a toddler and a baby. I was literally starving. I used a calorie tracker for a while and found that I was nearly a thousand calories short per day, on average. I could barely think.

It's become a huge depression trigger for me. I tell people that my last major depressive episode was triggered by not being able to eat dairy, and I'm not kidding. I'm struggling with it now, too. Most of the time I'm good, but still, despite medication, I get very low and I just want to be able to fucking eat something tasty and comforting and EASY. I just want...cheese and crackers. A whole piece of fruit. A baked potato. Rice with my stir fry. But then I eat too much fucking watermelon and I can tell the difference in my wellbeing the next day.

Food becomes a minefield. Every meal becomes a struggle. You question every bite, every symptom. At least once a day the whole thing is just too annoying and I decide to just not eat, because fuck it. I dunno if it reaches eating disorder levels, but it's certainly maladaptive. I hate that I've gotten here because what you eat actually DOES matter. it's like the question of how you talk yourself out of anxiety when the world is objectively falling apart.

But I can do the things I love. I owe all this garden progress to not having had a glass of juice or a bowl of pasta in four months. Not to mention the abrupt cessation of all my dermatitis problems, frequent "silent" heartburn, a ton of digestive problems, migraines, most headaches, and more. "Nothing is worth risking depression" but is it though?

I'm holding on to the hope that these changes will allow me to heal. That I'll be able to make long-term progress, as many people say they have, and reintroduce restricted foods gradually. That I'll be able to cement the opportunity diet gave me with regular movement and conditioning and slowly claw my way up the spiral.

But on days when I feel like shit anyway, and I can't have some fucking chips about it....yeah. It's not great.

#medical

[krirebr]

So, I've been going back and forth about sharing this here but it's really been dominating my thoughts for the last two days, and while I've talked about it a lot with friends, I'm hoping that writing everything down will help me process things. And maybe other people, especially aspec people might be able to relate.

I mentioned on Wednesday that I'd had a really terrible evening that had really shaken and upset me. Below the cut, I want to share what happened.

TWs for references to depression, aphobia, exclusionism, and bad therapy (there's probably a better word for it but I'm not sure what it would be.)

So some of you know that I started this year with a pretty intense depressive episode. It was bad enough that I had to take a leave of absence from work and pretty much spent that whole time crying in bed. It's taken a lot of work over the last few months to get myself back to a more stable place. A big part of that work has been regularly going to therapy.

I went to therapy on and off as a kid and in college, but not at all since then. All of my previous therapeutic experience was long before I came out as aroace. There's a long, ongoing history of aspec identities being medicalized and pathologized and that's something I was very aware of while looking for a therapist this time around. But I was also really desperate for help. So I chose as wisely as I could and crossed my fingers.

I chose a queer therapist who specialized in LGBTQ issues. I told them I was aroace in my first session and while they didn't seem very familiar at all, they also didn't make me overly explain myself or want to focus on that rather than the very real and urgent issues I had come to them for, which is what I'd been most worried about.

As I continued to meet with them weekly, they would sometimes ask questions about it, and while it was pretty clear they didn't really get it, they were respectful about it and it wasn't interfering with the help I actually needed.

That brings me to my appointment this Wednesday. I didn't have anything really pressing to discuss so they asked about my plans for the week and I mentioned that I was getting my hair cut and I was excited because I've been feeling lately like my hair is really hetero (I use that word instead of straight because my hair is so, so curly 😂) and I was looking forward to having queer hair again. They stopped. "Wait," they said, "I'm confused. Why did you use that word to describe yourself?" It had never occurred to them that aspec identities would be considered part of the queer community. They, in fact, had an incredibly narrow definition of the word queer - gay, just gay. And they didn't consider asexuality or aromanticism to be orientations at all.

My memories of the following conversation are pretty jumbled, but some highlights included such chestnuts as "What if you meet the right person one day?", asserting that the A in LGBTQIA+ stands for ally, there has to be a sexual component to romantic relationships, and "everyone has to have attraction, humans are sexual beings." They also said that we should dig into my childhood going forward because they were sure there was something there that caused this. I had a pretty traumatic middle school experience (bullying and some psychosomatic stuff that stemmed from that) and they were pretty eager to blame all that for this.

I became increasingly defensive and combative as this conversation went on (which if you know me, isn't like me at all). It ended with us both feeling very bad and uncomfortable.

I think they kind of came around a little bit by the end. They seemed open to educating themselves and even sent me a link to an article they'd found after our session. And that's great, I guess? But the whole thing made me want to crawl out of my skin. I cried a lot when I got home.

I'm not exactly sure what to do from here. My initial plan was to go next week, talk through what happened, offer some context for why I had gotten so defensive, and discuss together whether this was going to be a good long-term fit. But that's feeling less and less likely the more I think about it (I haven't been able to stop thinking about it). This is just such a big part of who I am. And it's a part of myself that I like and am proud of! And I just can't imagine a situation where I would ever feel safe talking about this aspect of my life with them. And I don't really want therapy where I'm constantly having to censor myself. So do I even go to my next appointment? I really don't know.

I know there's a lot of hopelessness in the aspec community around getting mental health care and I really don't want to add to that. I don't want to believe that we can't get help for our actual issues without mental health professionals just wanting to fix things that don't actually need to be fixed. And I hope that's not the moral or ultimate outcome of this story. I've talked to my very lovely network of queer friends and several of them have already said that they'll reach out to their contacts to find some recommendations for me. I deserve to get the help that I need in a space that is actually safe. And my need isn't as urgent as I was. I can take my time now to find someone I'm fully comfortable with.

I'm not sure exactly why I shared this. I don't always get so personal on here. And some of you have already heard it (thank you for being such good friends, seriously). But it's just been festering inside of me for the past two days and I really needed to share it. Thank you for listening.

#kris gets personal #vent post #kris rambles #asexuality #tw aphobia #therapy #bad therapy

[truly-twirls]

Hello! Honestly you're the first acc i think of when it comes to writing hurt/comfort because of your fics. They're amazing and so so relatable.

tw//depression

If your requests are open, can I please request a Yeonjun fic? My depressive episodes have been coming back lately so I felt like I kinda needed this.

I just want some comfort fic with Yeonjun where his s/o feel like they're not good enough and have trouble releasing out their problems to him and feels like they're just so pathetic and weak and feel like a burden to everyone.

Sorry I just wanted to know how someone who genuinely loves someone would react and say if their s/o was going through such things. I might just be self projecting here as well tho my bad 😅

But! Incase you aren't taking up requests, that's perfectly fine as well so please don't feel pressured. Your other fics are honestly so comforting and nice so it's totally fine. I hope the day will be nicer to you when you read this <33

hehe hi i'm sorry this took so long, also sorry if it's not as great as you'd like, i had a bit of writer's block,, requests are still open!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

playing catch-up - c. yeonjun

Word Count: 1,364

Warnings: Reader is in a depressive episode, Self-deprecation, Brief food mention

Characters: Choi Yeonjun, Choi Soobin (Mentioned), Choi Beomgyu (Mentioned), Heuning Kai (Mentioned), Kang Taehyun (Mentioned)

Genre: Request, Comfort, Fluff (Kind of)

AO3 Link

🌱🌱🌱

‘Why do we, the people, believe we can overcome anything?’

‘What gives us the will to keep on going, even with 200, 300, even 1000 tons upon our weak shoulders?’

‘Well, we’ll never truly know the answer.’

‘As it is different for every person, and their own experiences threaded into their memories.’

That was the big takeaway? A three hour lecture on a Monday morning, and that was all it had to offer? This was where your money was going towards?

Great. Fantastic. Absolutely amazing.

You sighed and packed up your journal and writing utensils, tossing them into your bookbag, and walked out of the dreary lecture hall. You still had three more classes today, with little to no break in between any of them, and to top it all off: They all lasted more than an hour each.

-Four hours later-

You felt stupid.

No, you felt incapable.

The fact that your train of thought had steadied itself for so long, so long. Only for it to collide into a wall that you didn’t even know was there.

It was embarrassing,

You felt embarrassed.

You are embarrassing.

No matter how much you kept looking through notes, dissecting every word that came out of the professors’ mouths, nothing stuck. 

It was like you never even went to lecture.

How could you be investing so much energy, so much money, and your mind couldn’t muster the ability to even learn anything?

Honestly, how stupid could you get? 

…

And then you really started to think.

It already felt like you were never in lecture.

Was it worth it? 

Honestly if one were to truly sit down and think, would one day really hurt?

And that’s how it started.

Just one day.

Then it turned into three days.

Then seven.

Twelve.

…

It’s been three weeks since you last went to a lecture, let alone the dining hall or any university events.

You’ve just been sitting, lying down, pacing, any type of movement really. But it never left the four walls of your dorm. 

It was just you.

For three weeks.

Then, at 3am, there was a pounding at the door that jolted you awake. If it’s the fucking RA asking about another incident, you were gonna resort to sleeping at a motel.

“Y/N?”

That voice… Is it..?

“Y/N, please open up, I saw your lights on from the window outside. Please, love?”

It was him.

As you walked towards the door to let your boyfriend inside, you saw a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. 

There stood a wrinkled shirt from weeks ago, sweatpants with holes torn from being snagged onto door handles a few too many times, and a ghastly face. One that read nothing but despair, one that barely passed as alive even.

Are you really going to face Yeonjun like this?

After not seeing each other for a month?

Is this really who he deserves to see after spending such a long time in another country for an abroad study?

Unfortunately, your doubts were cut short because of the sound of keys jingling.

You had forgotten that you gave him a spare key a few months ago, who knew how difficult that would make things in the future.

“Y/N? Is everything alright? Soobin told me you haven’t showed up to Literature in almost a month..”

“Not the only one.”

“And Beomgyu asked me why you’ve been skipping out on History and lunch with him.”

“The dining hall is expensive..”

“On top of that, Taehyun and Kai asked if you dropped your Statistics lecture.”

“Okay!! Fine!! I haven’t taken a single fucking step out of this dorm in a month, so fucking what!?!”

There wasn’t another voice to be heard for minutes at a time, only the sound of an exhausted fan.

You hadn’t meant for that to be aloud. Honestly, you just wanted it to pass through your mind and move on.

But the look in Yeonjun’s eyes. There wasn’t a chance that this could pass like the clouds beyond the glass window.

“This isn’t because of me right?”

You resorted to sitting on your bed, internally stuttering as you worked to put together a response.

“I know I was gone for a while but.. It didn’t mean I stopped caring, I thought about you every day.. Y/N, what happened?”

You used a blanket to try and muffle your sobs, this felt pathetic. Yeonjun telling you how he feels and you not saying anything did nothing to ease his worries.

“Please Y/N, give me something.. Anything, I need to know how I can be there for you..”

“Junnie, I’m honestly fine.. It’s just something stupid, I’ll get over it soon.”

At this point your boyfriend stood in front of you, grabbing your hands, “Baby, we both know it’s more than that.. It’s just you and I here. The world is deaf right now, anything you tell me tonight will stay with us. I want to listen to you, whether it’s your happiest moments or your darkest troubles.”

A smile forced its way to your face, although small, the little sparks you feel with Yeonjun returned. Oh, it was such a comforting feeling, as if taking off a sleeping mask after a long slumber, your soul welcomed the light.

“It’s not really that dramatic, love. I just.. um.. How do I say this..”

“Try not to downplay what you feel, it’s real. Your struggles are real, I think saying it’s dumb or not a big deal would make it harder to talk about, yeah?” As he spoke, his hands ran through stray pieces of hair. If he noticed how oily it became, Yeonjun said nothing about it.

“Okay.. well… It became harder to understand, like, what was going on? I don’t know, it just seemed like anything a professor would say, I never got it. Like, I just couldn’t make sense of anything being said.”

You took a breath as Yeonjun finally joined you on the edge of your mattress, “I’m listening.”

“I guess I thought that there was no point in going to lectures if I couldn’t understand what was happening, but I didn’t want to ask any of the guys for help or my friends. I don’t know, it just felt like a bother since everyone has been so stressed lately.. Who would want to take the time to help me?”

Silence filled the air again, but the air didn’t feel as thick, as Yeonjun thought about what to say, you still felt safe.

“I understand, baby. I think when we first met, one of the things I admired about you was how often you took into account how others around you felt. How selfless you are, it’s an incredible part of you, but it’s not the only thing about you. You’ve never given up, not truly. Even now I still don’t believe you’ve completely lost hope. It’s just on pause because of how overwhelming everything suddenly became.”

You nodded as you processed his words, it made sense.

“But when the time comes and you feel ready to press play again, we can rewind the tapes again and pick up where we left off. The world is moving fast, no doubt, but I like to believe that we move at the same pace as each other.”

Yeonjun’s shoulder was met with a playful nudge as you got shy from his remark, “Hey! I’m telling the truth here, no matter how sappy it is! You’re my Y/N, and don’t you worry, we’ll both be back on track in no time, I think I’m still sixteen hours behind but I’ll catch on, so will you.”

A genuine laugh left your lips, it felt nice. Wherever he was, Choi Yeonjun brought the warmth to your life that was permanent, even when the moon was paired with the chilly air that blew through the sleeping cities. The two of you were awake, the two of you were here, and as you shared a sweet kiss, you knew that it would be enough to go to one lecture tomorrow.

Because as Yeonjun promised, you would go at your own pace.

🌱🌱🌱

#truetwirls writes #yeonjun x reader #choi yeonjun #choi yeonjun x reader #txt x reader #yeonjun fluff #yeonjun comfort #hurt/comfort #txt fics #kpop fanfic #kpop fanfiction #tomorrow x together #choi yeonjun fluff #choi yeonjun angst #choi yeonjun comfort #anon ask #request #txt imagines #i hope this was good omg

[astroyongie]

TXT - November Reading Edition

Note : please remember to take these readings lightly and with a grain of salt. next coming are: ITZY, NCT 127, Aespa, NCT Dream, IVE, WayV, Red Velvet, BTS, Gidle and Treasure 

Yeonjun

Love: it seems like Yeonjun and his partner went through some harsh time. It feels like they had broke up but at the same time their history isn’t finished yet. Like there’s still some things to talk about and make clear. It was not the most healthiest relationship compared to when they first started to date. Yeonjun might have been a little bit too authoritative with them

Career: He is having a little bit of trouble to focus on his work, a little bit lazy lately but he is still managing it well and he is balanced enough to know when to rest and when to work. He has been having a lot of money too, spending quite a lot. I feel like he writes a lot about his experiences.

Health:

Physical: X

Emotional: He sometimes feels like his mind is a prison he cannot escape of

Dates: 2, 7 and 17 (Days or December)

Soobin

Love: He is still single after his last breakup and it seems like despite his “male energy” and despite seeing people sometimes fo this needs he gets bored easily and he runs away from everyone when things get too attached. He also hasn’t”’t forgotten about his ex yet.

Career: He had been having some trouble when it comes to his career to know what he really wants. However he is surrounded by professionals that help him making the right decisions. He wants to try acting

Health:

Physical: Needs to be careful with hair loss, his skin and his face in general but also his bones and backs. Needs to eat more properly

Emotional: He is in a bad state mentally, depression episodes happen often, he doesn’t sleep or eat well, a lot going on in his mind and he feels extremely lonely

Dates: 21 November, 5 days or December and 6 months

Beomgyu

Love: Still in his realtionship with he same person however it feels like the realtionship became more “open”. He is happy with the situation he has now, free to be with that person and still see other people if he wants to. He knows he is “impossible to love and love”. It feels like he has been ignoring/havign conflicts with his family as well

Career:  Things rent going very well for him when it comes to his career. He has a lot of burdens and work that he doesn’t know how to manage, he feels stressed everything he has to do something idols related and there’s a lot of conflict and arguments within himself but also with his staff, company and members.

Health:

Physical: He should check for any heart disease and his digestive system, he needs to eat a little more and eat healthier

Emotional: Stuck in the past but overall okay

Dates: tomorrow, 1st of December, 26 of November, 13 days or December

Taehyun

Love: It seems that since my last reading, Taehyun had someone in his life however they have broke up like two weeks ago. He is currently moving on from that place and it was also due to cheating (don’t know who did it tho)

Career:  Things are equally complicated when it comes to projects that have been negative to him and poor money income as well. I feel like he has someone in the company that enjoys putting difficulties in his life however he knows about it

Health:

Physical: Stomach aches are recurrent

Emotional: Not in his best state of mind either, he has a lot of negative self talk and bad ideas? Despite knowing it’s not a good thing he can’t help it

Dates: 8 days or December, 15 days or December, 28 of November

Kai

Love: It seems like Kai had his eyes on someone but things didn’t go his way. He feels slightly betrayed and disappointed because he really thought that this could work out with this person. I also feel like he has no luck in life at the moment due to karmic blockages and energetic blockages

Career: He fought with someone (I don’t know if its a teammate or someone in the company) but this person also doesn’t want him any good (just like Taehyun’s situation) and are here to make his life more complicated. He comforted this person however but he is still very angry about his career situation

Health:

Physical: He should check for diabetes or insulin levels, bladder and kidney troubles  

Emotional: X

Dates: 18 and 14 (days or December) , 27 of November

#TXT #TXT astrology #TXT reading #TXT tarot #TXT headcanons #TXT scenarios #TXT imagines #TXT reactions

[sunwarmed-ash]

Angst Prompt: Billy Hargrove

Neverender

Characters: Billy Hargrove, the hawkins crew, Eddie Munson Trigger Warnings: Suicidal ideations/mention, no attempts, homophobic language/violence Tags: Sad Billy, post season 3 & 4-Billy lives, Billy and Steve are ex's, Eddie is a worried friend, Neil Hargroves A+ parenting, post harringrove fall out, hurt/minor comfort, suicidal ideation/mentions, dissociative/Major Depressive Disorder Billy

*Fic also under cut*

Nothings been the same since July. 

How could it be? Billy died. And what was left of their heated-rivalry-turned-blazing-sex-life and budding romance died with him. Because Billy wasn't the same when he came back. How could he be? Nothing that Billy liked about himself existed anymore; Nothing that Steve fell in love with was recoverable. 

He’s a shadow of his former self, and its obvious to everyone, but worst of all himself. His Calforinan tan and meticulously sculpted torso were gone, replaced by a ghostly pale all over color, and ugly, horrifying scars left behind by the monster that almost took his life. His hair, which he had spent months learning to cut and style himself had to be cut to add stables to keep his brain inside his skull post attack. The ‘doctors’ did such a piss poor job of it too Billy lost almost all of the length. He hated how it looked now. How he looked now. 

Nothing is the same as it was before. 

When the Steve finally got the balls to call off whatever their pathetic attempt of going through the motions, Billy told Steve the first lie he’s ever told them since they became exclusive. 

“I get it Steve. Don’t worry, I’ll be alright.”

“Billy…”

“I’ll be fine. Really.”

-

He wasn't fine. He wasn't even in the same ballpark as fine. He was ‘okay at best’ on good days, and seconds away from diving headfirst into the shallow end of the quarry on bad ones. The demons in his mind that plagued his night and daymares were nothing compared to the venom spit from his classmates, from Neil after everything with the mall went down and Billy was arrested after he barely surviving an interdimensional monster attack. 

Some rack of shit huh? Instead of a welcome wagon and fucking parade like the hero who sacrificed everything for a stranger should get, he was gifted with 100% of the blame, 7 months of rehab and a 6 thousand dollar fine for the damage. 

What was worse was that no one refuted it. Not a single person who was actually there that night. Not Steve. Not his fucking father, and since he was unconscious at the time, busy ya know, not dying, certainly not himself. 

Billy shut himself off from everyone after that. He quit the basketball team, spending the extra hour of silence after school at the quarry, increasing his likelihood of lung cancer, one malrboro red at a time. 

Since Steve had graduated, and dumped his ass, and he learned the hard way his so-called friends were as fake as silicone tits, he didn't see a point in being social. He was content to just keep his head down and degrade, one major depressive episode at a time. And at the end of each day, the bottom of the quarry looked more and more welcoming. 

Harrington Home

“So what's going on with Billy?” Eddie asked suddenly, and unprompted, catching everyone off guard. Enough that Steve dropped the dish he was washing into the sink and Dustin choked on the pizza crust he bit into. 

“Why- do you want to know about him?” Robin asks, eyes jumping anxiously between Steve and Eddie. 

“He’s been, weird,” Eddie said, unsure why now everyone else in the room was being weird.

“I haven't noticed,” Dustin shrugged and Max smacked his arm. 

“You ‘haven't noticed’ how the once loud and proud Californian Dickhead is now essentially a ghost? I don’t think I’ve heard him talk in months. It’s like he’s trying to will himself invisible. I think I even saw Carver bullying him last week. LIke isn’t that weird- What, whoa what did I say?” He asked anxiously, because now 7 sets of intense eyes were on him. “What? What is it? You can tell me.”

“Billy is… a complicated topic around here,” Lucas starts, hedging something big and looking very intently at Max. 

“Why?” Eddie asked again anyway and Dustin and Max sigh way too heavy for 14 year olds. But then again, they all did just barely survive an apocalypse. Some their second and third….

“Because he died,” Max answers, and Eddie’s mouth dropped open.

“Because he used to be our friend,” Dustin added, which is actually more surprising in some ways. 

“Because he’s my ex,” Steve says, finally addressing the real elephant in the room if all of the others matching tense expressions was any indication. 

Harrington Living Room

“He saved me. But, no one wanted to see that,” El said, her own tears staining her face as she retold the story of last July. 

“The Hawkins lab and the press have had an ongoing, lethal NDA since, what four years ago now? By the time Vecna rolled around, well, we were as close as you got to for experts at that point. The mall burned down because we had to kill the monster inside it. Without alerting the town there was one in the first place.”

“Which, happened to be controlled by the bigger monster possessing Billy at the time,” Lucas finished, because one look at Steve confirmed he couldn't. 

“As the building was burning down, The Mind Flayer basically had El, ready for the monster, but Billy, our Billy broke through. Sacrificed himself to the monster so she could get away. So we all could.” Dustin finished. 

“None of us knew if he was alive or dead for months,” Max chimed in. “And then one day, he just shows up on our doorstep. Looking like he got the shit beat out of him. Didn't say where he’s been, or why. I wasn’t even sure it was him. So I tested him.”

“How?” Lucas asked, evidently even he hadn’t heard the story. 

“I punched him,” Max shrugged, “He didn't block it or fight back. He barely even looked at me. He just waited, until Neil stopped screaming and then went to his room. He’s been like that ever since. Whoever, whatever he is now, that isn’t my brother.”

Hawkins High Locker Room

It's been 34 days since he returned to Hawkins, and there's still another 156 days left in the semester until he can graduate and move back to California. He’d leave now if that was an option. But it wasn't. 

He just wants to get through the school year without any trouble. He’s lived through enough already. But its evident in the next moment, Carver and Hill aren’t gonna let that happen. 

“Oh how the mighty fall,” Carver laughs, referring to Billy’s more-scar-tissue-than-unmarred-flesh shirtless torso. “Serves you right, karmas a bitch, huh?”

“I told you, I didn't do that shit.”

It was of the general Hawkins misunderstanding that Billy set the mall on fire, as an act of ‘unamerican criminal mischief’ turned way wrong. They also say he endangered the lives of several minors as well as many ‘respected members of the community.’ 

When Billy was hit with so much violence and hatred upon reintegration, he almost high tailed it back to California with his tail between his legs. But then, and now, he had exactly $197 to his name, and he needed more than that to get out of here for good. 

“Right, just like you didn't try and fuck Chrissy at Tina’s Halloween party right?” Hill piled on. 

He actually didn't. Chrissy was a friend. And Billy was gayer than Liberace. Just outfitted with denim instead of glitter. But Hill and Carvers sudden and vicious betrayal still stung and he just wasn’t in the fucking mood. 

“Didn’t need to initiate anything. She was begging for a fuck on anything bigger that pencil dick of yours.”

The next moment Tommy’s fist is in his gut, knocking him down before he has a chance to brace. Carver is standing above him, one shoe making contect with his solar plexus when he tries to raise up off his knees. 

“Remember your place fag,” he sneers and Billy laughs in his face.

“Well which is it? Am I fucking your girl on the side or too busy choking on cock? Can’t do both.”

Carver launched his own attack now, kicking into Billy’s chest hard until he wheezed. Hill added a right hook that knocked Billy flat on his ass. 

Any other day, before The Mindflayer, he could have taken them both. But almost all of his former strength vanished with the monster attack. He was vulnerable to everything they gave him. And what’s worse, he’s lost all will to get back up. 

It wasn't long before Tommy’s own kicks started. Billy’s been in this position on the floor all too often. He pulls his legs against his chest so hopefully his ribs won’t break under their combined force.  

-

Billy skipped the rest of his classes that day. 

After Carver and Hill left, (got bored of kicking an unresponsive Billy), he just laid there on the cold, filthy floor. All through the lunch period. No one else came into the locker room. Not even the Coach. Billy was grateful. It took longer than usual for him to get back up these days, and he really didn't want an audience to his shame. 

The quarry

Billy didn't go home. He didn't want to explain the bruises that weren’t from Neil. Neil would accuse him of trying to get social services called. So he just stayed out, drove to the quarry, lit up a cigarette and watched the sun go down and the moon rise. 

Some undetermined time later, another vehicle arrived at the quarry. For a moment, Billy froze, expecting to see the cops truck, or his fathers, here to drag him back home by his hair. But it wasn’t, it was Eddie fucking Munson’s screaming metal death trap and that was somehow worse. He didn't want to talk to anyone right now. Let alone his ex’s new BFF. 

Billy ignored Eddie when he exited his car. Maybe if Eddie realized he wasn't welcome, he’d leave. Eddie was soft. Billy, even now, could probably still scare him away. 

“Thought I might find you here,” Eddie says and the statement sets him the fuck off. 

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Eddie’s huge eyes only got bigger and his hands flew up in surrender. 

“Nothing, just, this is a good space to think. Figured after today you'd be looking for thinking space is all.”

“And why would I need that?”

Eddie grins, hands still up in the air. 

“Okay, you caught me. Steve uh, filled me in with what happened today. With Jason.”

Billy balks and jumps off the hood of his car that he was comfortably sitting on. He is not here to talk about this. Fuck Eddie Munson. 

“Wait! Billy hang on,” Eddie pleads, and for some reason, it stops Billy in place. He doesn't bother turning around. 

“You got three seconds freak.” 

“I brought weed.”

Billy huffs in frustration before yanking his hand off the door handle. 

“...Alright.”

-

“What's going on with you man,” Eddie asks, not more than three seconds into Billy’s hit. Guy really knows how to kill a high. Probably how he stays employed. 

“Nothing’s going on with me,” he said because it's true. He’s been silent for months. He’s just trying to make it to May. As soon as he graduates he can get the fuck out of this hellhole. Go back to California, his home. It's where he belongs. 

“That's what I mean. I actually never thought I’d say this, but I kinda miss being bullied by you.”

Billy takes another hit instead of passing the joint, flipping Eddie off. 

The brunette only laughs in amusement, his eyes crinkling adorably as he laughed. 

“Yes finally! Goddamn this has been the longest slow burn of my life!”

Billy rolls his eyes but the weed is helping soften some of his bad mood. And maybe the company is helping. He won't admit that shit outloud though. Never again. 

Eddie follows up with, “Carver’s a dick, don't let him get to you.”

Billy scoffs. 

“I’m not.”

“Then why are you out here?” Eddie asked, far more perceiving than Billy appreciates right now. 

“What’s it to you?”

Eddie’s eyes are too honest when he says,

“I don't know.”

Billy doesn't like it. Doesn't like how its making him feel. He can’t let someone else get in the way again. 

Billy shrugs, admission falling off his lips easier than expected. 

“I wasn’t planning on going home.”

Eddie’s eyebrows raise to his hairline but Billy didn't see it. He was too busy staring at the body of water that had to be below freezing by now. 

“So you’re just gonna what? Sleep here? In your car, all night?”

No. Ideally, if he jumped from this height, the impact would probably be enough to break some bones. His neck preferably, but beggars can't be choosers. 

“That's not what I said.”

Its eerily quiet in the next moments, as what Billy meant finally sunk in. Billy’s hand shakes on his last inhale. 

“Oh…” Munson says.

Well, at least Eddie didn't apologize, or launch into a monologue of 1000 reasons to live. 

“Yeah…” Billy sighs, feeling lighter but also so much worse finally admitting just how far gone he was out loud. He passes the dead joint back to Eddie before pulling out his car keys. 

“Wait, where- where are you going?” Eddie asks, panic obvious in his voice. 

Billy wishes he could feel something. Anything. 

“Home. Can’t try and kill myself now, can I?”

Eddie’s expression exposed he was probably suffering from the illusion that someone genuinely giving a shit could be enough for Billy to change his mind. But it wasn’t. Not long term. Not after everything he’s been through. “Night Munson, thanks for the weed.” 

#billy hargrove whump #billy hargrove #stranger things #stranger things 3 #stranger things 2 #stranger things 4 #eddie munson #steve harrington #find me on ao3 #sunwarmed ash #tw suicide mention #my works #link in bio #i post new stuff every sunday #sinful sunday

[ajax-is-not-a-lee]

Let me pick up the pieces

Summary: Dazai and Chuuya have a fight which leaves Dazai feeling terrible luckily Chuuya’s always there for him. (Hurt/comfort)

Lee!Dazai, Ler!Chuuya (Atsushi’s also there I guess)

Word count: 2.1k

T.W.: Depression, Su!c!de attempt, brief nudity (not sexual, not graphic)

This is a tickle fic if you don’t like that don’t read

Note: this is my first fic and I’m really excited!! Enjoy!!!

-————————————————————————

Despite Dazai’s charismatic demeanor he wasn’t actually very friendly. Sure he could talk to anyone but he chose not to unless it was for his job. Outside of work he was very private, leading most to have no clue about what went on in his head.

Something that often came as a shock to people was that Dazai actually is human despite him feeling separated from the concept of humanity. Being that Dazai was human, he had his low points just like anyone else.

The bandaged man happened to be going through one of these low points at the moment and it caused his coworkers to feel a bit concerned as his chipper attitude had been replaced by something far more somber.

“Dazai!”

“Huh? Oh sorry, what did you need?”

Atsushi had called for him four times before he heard him.

“I just wanted to- Nevemind it’s not really important. Are you okay? You seem… off.”

The expression on the weretigers face sent a pang of guilt through Dazai who hadn’t meant to let his bad mood be so obvious.

“I’m good don’t worry about me!” Dazai put on his best fake smile as he responded.

Atsushi was hurt by the inhuman grin. He knew that smile and knew that it meant Dazai was lying to him.

Not wanting to push further and risk upsetting him Atsushi turned and went back to his desk leaving Dazai’s face to quickly slip back into a lifeless expression.

………………………………………………………………………

Dazai walked back to his flat in a daze and robotically took his key out and twisted it in the lock. He felt guilty for being so distant at work today but he found himself lacking the energy to care as all he could think about was burrowing into his bed and sleeping.

However when Dazai stepped into the door a orange head of hair and dumb hat greeted him.

“Chuuya?!” Dazai tried to keep the surprise out of his voice, wanting to come off more collected. It had only been 2 weeks since he’d seen the red head but their last visit had ended in a fight that Dazai assumed meant Chuuya wanted nothing more to do with him. “I didn’t expect to see you or I would have cleaned up…” Dazai felt his face warm from embarrassment.

Not that Dazai would own up to it, but their fight had affected him more than he wanted to admit. He had gone into a depressive episode where he hadn’t had the energy to take care of himself or his apartment. It made him feel ashamed to allow someone else to have this much of an effect on him, but when he’d thought he would never see Chuuya again it broke something in him.

“Yeah well this was more of an impromptu visit than anything else so…” He trailed off glancing around the room at the mess. When he looked back at Dazai his knowing gaze made the brunette want to bury himself in a hole.

Desperate to be able to think about anything other than the disaster that was his apartment, Dazai spoke up. “Want any wine?”

……………………………………………………………….

“So- um- where- I meant what are you doing here? Not that you can’t be here! I just didn’t think I’d see you.”

Dazai stumbled over his words and if you asked he’d blame it on the wine but he was known for being able to hold his alcohol well.

“Well…” Chuuya took a sip of his wine in a much more refined manner than Dazai who just seemed to want to be drunk. “Atsushi actually called me. He’d said that you seemed not quite right. I was about to hang up because you’re never quite right, but he said that you seemed tired.” Chuuya stopped speaking to look up at Dazai who was staring at him with an expression that corroborated Atsushi’s words.

Chuuya looked away before continuing,”Is this about our fight?”

They both knew the answer to that so instead of saying yes Dazai began to explain.

“You were so angry, and then you left, and then I didn’t see you for two weeks. I thought that was it.”

Now it was Chuuyas turn to feel guilty. It was a stupid fight over one of Dazai’s attempts . His last attempt had left him in a terrible state and when Chuuya saw the other man it terrified him. So instead of confronting his own fears he instead had yelled at Dazai. While it wasn’t entirely Dazai’s fault he still played his part in breaking his promise of reaching out when he needed it. Chuuya knew that it wasn’t easy he also knew that years of habit couldn’t just be changed. But looking at Dazai covered in bandages stained red was too much for him to bare.

So now they sat here unmoving.

After a few minutes Chuuya was the first to speak.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. I should have communicated better with you. I wasn’t really angry,” Chuuya’s eyes met Dazai’s, tears threatening to fall from his blue eyes, “you just really scared me.”

The tears began to spill from his eyes as bandaged hands hesitantly reached out to hold him. Chuuya grabbed Dazai and wrapped the other’s hands around him as he cried into a shirt that he could smell hadn’t been washed in days.

“I’m sorry too. I know I promised to reach out. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like whenever I try something inside me tells me I would be better off dead than burdening others. That’s not an excuse for breaking my promise to you, it's just… I hope that helps you understand better.”

Chuuya relaxed a bit into the odd embrace. When his sobs lessened he looked up at Dazai. Dazai could tell he was studying the grime on his face and looking at the grease in his hair, and yet there was no judgement in the eyes staring at him.

“Can I help you bathe?”

Dazai’s chest flooded with warmth and he softly nodded his head.

……………………………………………………………….

Chuuya started the water in the bath, every once in a while reaching a hand in to check the temperature.

He helped Dazai shed his dirty clothes and bandages, instructing him to get in the water. Chuuya stepped out to throw away the bandages and grab clean ones as well as a change of clothes. When he came back he opened the mostly empty shampoo bottle that sat by the edge of the bath and began to scrub Dazai’s scalp with it.

“Dazai?”

“Hmm?”

“Did you really think we were done?”

“Mm-hm.”

Dazai in his relaxed state didn’t think much about the question but Chuuya, who was still fully conscious, wanted to cry again.

With the jobs that the both of them had there was no guarantee for a tomorrow with either of them in it. He couldn’t stand the thought of Dazai being like this without Chuuya to pick up the pieces.

He filled a bucket up with water and poured it over Dazai’s hair rinsing out the suds. Dazai stood up and shivered from the cool air touching his damp body. Chuuya was quick to wrap a towel around him and hand him clean clothes.

……………………………………………………………….

Dazai sat in a chair with a towel around his neck as Chuuya changed his bed-sheets. Big brown eyes followed Chuuya around the room unable to look away.

“So,” The room had been so quiet that Chuuya startled as Dazai began to speak, “does this mean we’re still dating.”

Dazai’s cheeks had a slight rosy hue to them.

“It’s ok if we’re not I was just wondering!” The taller of the two quickly backtracked not wanting to come off as needy or desperate.

Chuuya just looked at him with fondness as he walked over to him. In one quick motion Chuuya picked up Dazai and (gently) threw him onto the freshly made bed.

“Yes stupid! Of course we’re still dating!” His tone was playful as he littered kisses all over Dazai’s face.

When the kisses reached Dazai’s ear he shoved at Chuuya’s chest ,“Wahahait!”

Dazai’s efforts to hide his face in his shoulder were in vain as Chuuya could still see the red tips of his ears peaking out. It took Chuuya only a moment to figure out what was happening as Dazai had never had this reaction before.

“Oh my god are you ticklish?” Dazai let another giggle slip at the word and Chuuya made a mental note to bring that up later.

“Noho?” Dazai was giggling nervously but not making any attempt to move away.

“You are aren’t you!?” Chuuya’s grin stretched over his face and he pulled Dazai closer to him. “Would it be ok if I tickled you more?”

Dazai looked at Chuuya now flustered beyond belief. Still he whispered out a quiet yes.

Chuuya gave him a bright smile and immediately began fluttering his finger over his ears.

“Eheehehehee!” Dazai giggled at the light feeling that sent tingles throughout him.

Chuuya began to move his hands down to Dazai’s neck and he watched as Dazai scrunched up his shoulders and squealed.

“NOHO CHUUYAHAHAHA!!”

Chuuya withdrew his hands worried he’d done something wrong and upset Dazai.

Instead Dazai looked up at him with a dopey smile.

“Why’d youhuhu stohop?”

Chuuya looked down wondering how it was possible for his boyfriend to get any cuter. Not only had he just discovered that his boyfriend was ticklish but he liked being tickled?!??! That was just too much for Chuuya and he straddled Dazai’s hips.

“Do you hear that Dazai? It sounds like the tickle monster!” Chuuya began to spider walk his fingers from Dazai’s neck to his stomach, “He sounds hungry too! Do you know what the tickle monster eats?”

Dazai shook his head smile stretching his lips already even though he wasn’t actually being tickled yet.

“The tickle monster loves to feast on adorable boys with ticklish tummie’s!”

As Chuuya finished speaking he threw Dazai’s shirt up revealing his soft tummy. Dazai let out another stream of giggles at the teases.

“And what do we have here? A cute ticklish tummy belonging to an adorable, giggly boy? Well now the tickle monster feels starving!” Chuuya punctuated his sentence with a deep intake of air and raspberry right over Dazai’s belly button.

Dazai let out a high pitched shriek before dissolving into squeaky laughter.

“NOHO NOT THEHEHERE!! IHIHIHI AHAHA CHUU-HAHAHA CAHAHANT!!!”

Dazai was laughing like a madman as his poor belly was tickled mercilessly. Chuuya formed his hands into claws and vibrated them into the center of Dazai’s tummy. This earned more squeals from the brunette who now was so red he rivaled chuuyas hair. There was something else Chuuya noticed about Dazai’s reaction, and that was that instead of squirming away he arched into the touch.

‘Oh’ Chuuya thought, ‘he really likes this.’

It warmed Chuuya’s heart to see Dazai with a genuine smile looking so carefree.

Chuuya reached behind him to squeeze at Dazai’s thighs and knees it didn’t yield as extreme of a reaction as his stomach but it still left Dazai in a giggly haze.

Chuuya got bored of the spot quickly and gave an experimental squeeze to Dazai’s hips. If Chuuya hadn’t been holding on he was sure he would have been thrown off.

“AAAAAHHHHHHAAAHAHHA DOHAHAHAH HAHA HEHEHEHAHAHEH!!” Dazai was babbling out unintelligible nonsense between bouts of laughter.

Chuuya could see that Dazai was reaching his limit so he moved his hands from his hips up to his stomach gently skittering his fingernails around.

Chuuya leaned down to whisper in Dazai’s ear.

“So tell me, have you always liked being tickled?” Chuuyas tone was teasy and he could feel the warmth radiating from Dazai’s face.

When Chuuya didn’t get an answer other than more giggles he decided to blow into Dazai’s ear.

“EEEK CHUHUHUYA!”

Chuuya figures this was enough and gave Dazai one last kiss on his neck leaving him giggling as he rubbed away the residual tingles on his tummy. Chuuya helped him sit up and handed him a glass of water from the nightstand. When Dazai finished Chuuya held him in his arms and rubbed circles into his back as Dazai let out residual giggles.

“You’re mehean.” When Dazai spoke he sounded exhausted.

“Nah I think you liked it.” Chuuya accentuated his point by fluttering his fingers on Dazai’s side. Dazai of course made no attempt to get away.

“I love you so much Dazai. I’ll always be here to help pick up the pieces.”

“I love you too Chuuya. I promise to always do the same for you.” He whispered as sleep started to wash over him, “Goodnight Chuuya Nakahara.”

“Goodnight Dazai Osamu ”

#lee!dazai #ler!chuuya #bsd tickle #tickling #tickle fluff #tword blog #tickling community #tickle community #tickle fic #hurt/comfort #i love them so much #they’re so sweet

[theweirdwideweb]

Well I've really scared the shit outta the people who care about me in the past 24 hours. Including me! I started EMDR therapy about two months ago, which is a special therapy for trauma where you process memories with the aid of eye movements. It sounds like bullshit, but I have never been effected by therapy this way. They told me to choose a less traumatic memory to start with and we have been working on it for three full sessions. The "less traumatic" memory I chose actually wound up being heavily connected to all these painful issues I'm grappling with recently: body dysmorphia, social isolation, social rejection, self image, self worth, fearing others, fearing myself. ALL this shit. And these eye movements are somehow unlocking these pent up bodily emotions to the point where I am feeling bad. On top of that June 28th was my 2 year alcohol sobriety milestone and 1 year nicotine milestone. This year I decided to quit smoking weed. I had become reliant on it again, as I have been for almost all of my adult life. So I'm dealing with all these intense bodily emotions connected to my very sense of identity---every fear and insecurity I have is just being rattled continuously. Then I quit smoking weed two weeks ago. At first it was fine. Yes, I was having big feelings but that's good actually! Yes! Working through that shit. But I begin to feel worse and worse. I am really going through something in my life right now. I cut ties with my only close friend, I'm essentially friendless if you only count people I see irl regularly. And it's also rattling alll these insecurities for me. I began to feel the situation was hopeless. The problem is too big, it's too late, it's not fixable---it's just who I am. I have a fear that there is something about me which I can't control which repels people. My looks, how I carry myself, my behavior---something makes me fundamentally weird, revolting, unlovable. Like people pity me or are afraid of me. Heavy shit, right? Recently I've had some violently depressive episodes. It's a kind of darkness I rarely experience. So last night I'm at the movies. I went by myself. I go to the movies by myself pretty often actually, at least once a week. Anyway so I'm at this movie and it's getting crowded in the theater. There's multiple groups of people sitting in every row --- except for my row. Not a single other person sat in my row. It was a prime row! This is just dinging every one of these deep dark fears once again. I'm looking at all these people with their friends and lovers sitting in the rows in front of me. The move starts and I could feel the empty seat next to me. It was like a cold, empty, bottomless void, and I could feel it inside myself too. It was purely an emotional state, not really any thoughts behind it, and I didn't have the specific thought that I wanted to kill myself, no plan no nothing like that, but I know that is how people feel before they commit suicide. I touched something dark. So this stupid Nicolas Cage movie is going and I'm sitting there trying to pretend I'm fine but inside my head I'm trying to figure out what to do. I figure---anything I have to do to stop feeling this way is acceptable. Fuck your sobriety. Do anything to stop this. It was thunderstorming as I left the theater and I parked way down the block and there's lighting everywhere. I'm walking in the rain with no umbrella and I'm so cold. I get in my car and turn up the heat and I'm saying to stuff to myself like, "Just go home. Just gooo home." I had to pass home on my way to the liquor store and I honestly didn't know which one I was going to until I pulled into my own parking lot. I was completely rattled all night. I told on myself to my sisters right away. This morning I spoke to them again and decided to cancel EMDR this week and start smoking weed as soon as possible. Called out of work. Went to my sister's house and got some weed from her. Went to therapy. We came up with a safety plan. I called out of work again tomorrow. My only job for the next few days is relax.

#tw suicide

[queen-mabs-revenge]

it's the pacing thing again — like i'm not one of those ppl who has a snit fit that there's not enough football in the football show, but to totally fade in from black on 5 weeks of successful total football after the way it was presented as the hinge point to the season both on the pitch and off?

we're supposedly another month past last week's ep and yet again it feels like the characters haven't gone through a month of time. according to beards tally they're 25 matches into the season???

so like..... it should be february with them just starting the return leg but like does this look like february???

like i feel like i'm in the twilight zone whenever they've done these skips this year? this is the first season they're trying to do an entire football season and oof it's truly not working imo.

that coupled with the fact that even tho they're racing through the calendar the characters feel like they're running through jello.

8 episodes and ted's still not really confronting his depression, nate's entire character arc has been 'went on a bad date. now went on a good date' and that's supposed to be his self esteem journey?, genuinely what has happened in kjpr? honestly? shandy and barbara have been nothinged. jack - again what is the forward motion on keeley's character arc here? rebecca??? sam's throwaway one-off very special episode?? jamie honestly feels like the only character that has actually escaped the torpor, and I've got my fingers crossed for colin, but my god the pacing is just absolutely bananas.

idk man i know this season went through massive rewrites, but this is what they settled on after all that? really???

#ted lasso spoilers #sorry to be a negative nelly but fucking hell #there are episodes like sunflowers that absolutely sing but they're truly carrying the season on their backs #february??????? #absolute fucking twilight zone #and this is someone who lives in one of the mildest places in ireland that is *not* february what the fuck #and do not even get me started on the leak storyline - not as egregious as last week's *hate crime* thing but shitty along the same lines #also??? genuinely if they're setting up ted going back to kansas as the silver bullet it'll be so disappointing