#So I'm kind of like trying to focus on doing my own thing rn without worrying about it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mueritos · 7 months

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Hey. Idk if this is me growing up or just being disillusioned with inter celebs etc. Im a 23 yr old trans man so I grew up and was inspired by chella on the YouTube community. But now I just…don’t like chella man anymore. I feel like…he became an industry plant? Over the pandemic asking fans for money to send to him directly to help others and not showing where the money was going exactly incident as well as just becoming older I noticed he seemed to almost want to become the next Keith haring or basquiat? He almost…now seems very fake? He takes deals with brands to be representation but doesn’t do much to call out certain brands for their faults etc.

Idk anymore

I give Chella credit in that he was one of the few transmen that I looked up while I was young, especially with him being BIPOC. Showing him to my family helped them understand me. But that's where the inspiration kinda stops, because it was painful to be surrounded by years-in-transition trans men online when I was absolutely nowhere I wanted to be. That was a me problem tho. But I also didn't know much about his whole donation incident.

Ig heres what I have to say. It's not great to view other people as your justification of your morals. We don't know how people have had to live or how they live now, we don't know what decisions they have to make, and we dont know what kind of fears or goals they have. Chella is allowed to do whatever he wants with his art or his modelling career, just like how I genuinely believe anyone else in the world is capable of making the right decisions for themselves (even if we dont like those decisions!). Im not really concerned with figuring out if hes an industry plant or a "class traitor" (lol) or even if he's "fake". To be honest, I'm all for BIPOC folks getting their $. Does that mean I enjoy seeing wealthy BIPOC folk perpetuate classism and racism? No. Just cuz someone is succeeding for themselves doesn't mean people cant critique them. I guess what Im saying is I see waaay too many people online take the things they enjoy and the people they follow as projections of their morals: "no! stop [Insert celebrity name] you're being problematic and its makes us fans look bad!" Like....Okay lmfao. People are grown adults and are going to make decisions for themselves. Just because you might enjoy a celebrity does not mean your morals are based on how good of a person they are.

and youre allowed to not like the same things anymore just like how people are allowed to change, for better or for worse. I think within online communities there is way too much pressure on "looking" like a good person versus actually being one...because sometimes BEING a good person makes you look absolutely vile in terms of online spaces/communities love of isolating, removing, and deleting "problematic" (and vulnerable) people from their spaces with no trial, discussion, or attempt at conflict mediation. Yea yea I do think people have every right to be criticized just as they have every right to make whatever decision they want, but what Im trying to get at is to really stop viewing anyone with a platform as someone you can other once they dont meet your standards. This is not the same as denouncing or critiquing someone for really egregious behavior (white supremacy, harrassment, bullying, interpersonal violence). Once you kinda start living by your own morals without needing other people's actions/behaviors to justify/define them, you learn to focus on building connections rather than destroying them.

again, this is a much nuanced topic and you prolly werent expecting me to go into this. but ive grown over the years and have engaged in some nasty and vile mob mentality behavior that i just dont vibe with anymore. im not really the kind of person now to speculate online or publicly what other people are doing or should be doing or whether theyre problematic or not. I don't really care about Chella man or most celebrities rn. People r just gonna be people, and I will always have empathy for those of marginalized identities. Free will, autonomy, and self determination goes both ways, but so does accountability, transformative justice, and reconciliation.

but also like kill ur idols lol

#muertoresponds #like yea its fun having people u follow and look up to man #does it take a lot of time to be following celebrities #there would be days i would just check up on all my micro celebrities #now i just dont give a fuck #theyre people im people we're people #we're all gonna change and do bad and do good #i dont like holding myself or anyone anymore to these fucked up online standards of looking like good people #idc idc idc #this was def not the answer u prolly wanted but its where im at and thats what i gotta say #have ur micro celebrities if u want but like yea #people r people #and so are u #critiques r valid but u cant hold anyone accountable unless they consent to be held accountable #like being held accountable means u choose to be part of the accountability process #not make a lil 5 min notes app apology and be forgotten about in a week because people find their next target #yadda yadda yadda #these r my thoughts

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fkinavocado · 1 year

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Dreea I think a while ago you were going through a tough time and I mentioned I was as well? I don’t know if it’s just the time of year but my mental health has been soooo up and down. I feel sooooo stuck with kind of getting my life back in a way and I’m so scared at the moment of ending up alone while everyone I know is having success and getting married while my brain keeps me hiding. I’m just tired of my life rn really? Did you feel like anything really helped you overall at all?

nah hun i'm still very much down with the blues. like. it's bad. i just don't talk about it or try very hard to hide it because i don't want ppl to feel like i'm a debbie downer or i'm just being whiney or an attention whore somehow. i genuinely hate my depression and i'm ashamed (maybe it's the wrong word or not something to be ashamed of) that i can't seem to shake it off this time around enough so that it's tolerable at least

so i don't have any words of wisdom sadly :( i'm looking forward to my trip but also kind of not? like i kinda just wanna stay in bed all day if i'm being honest. which is bad. but that's the reality of it. but with my trip this summer it did help me a bit. so i'm hoping it will this time around too. i know it's not something feasible in the long run, and i'm just hiding problems under the rug by running away from things temporarily.

i would say just try and focus on doing things you enjoy without feeling guilty for it. i'm not following my own advice but i think that would help:( i'm sorry you feel like that.. cuz i know how awful it is. sorry i don't have any real advice. hope you find a way to feel better soon!!

#put it under read more cuz ... yeah.#don't read if depression talk is triggering for you!#ask

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transsexualhamlet · 1 year

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Hi :)) for the fics ask - 💌📡🍭🎈🎀🍉🦋

OMG THATS SO MANY???? i love you anon

ask game

putting a readmore because um. so many questions

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

SHAKES AND WHIMPERS finally someone asks me about my wips............. oh dear oh dear oh dear. Trembling wet and pathetic awkwardly holds out 25 pages of handwritten Mairon apologism covered in blood sweat tears . This is one of those ones that I'm terrified I'm going to be dogpiled over in the fandom because. Silmarillion fandom. Intimidating. This is the first time I've read the book and these bitches are veritable scholars in Arda history and languages. Like they have damn phds. doctarates. I'm just like hi I think he did nothing wrong ever except for all the atrocities and the atrocities were fine because it's international womens day and hes like a woman to me.

Anyway I should. Actually explain them i just I have two things going on one of them is just. Six pages of independent ramblings written all at once fueled by "I just woke up with the sickest ass line of dialogue ever conceived and I need to bring it to justice Right Fucking Now" and the other is what will probably end up being a chapter fic with six or seven chapters though I haven't. Decided what point I'll end it at. I'm two chapters deep and I have tons of motivation rn so hopefully. Things will continue that way because god have I been known to abandon works of that length. (looks at the bond fic) (looks at osamu dazai is dead) (looks a-)

The first mentioned one is well. I think it's just such a funny quirky girl trait of his to have not only founded a human sacrifice death cult but to have gotten it sugar daddy funded by batting his eyelashes at the king of Numenor it's just. Truly wonderful situation and I feel it is not spoken of nearly enough. The basic concept of that snippet is "pov ur defeated enemy/prisoner/mistress/royal advisor's bedroom talk involves apocalyptic sermons dooming you to eternal suffering if you don't worship his dead ex".

The other one is pretty self explanatory and has probably been done a million times, just my take on the untold hashtag "Seduction of Sauron". Basically several chapters of Melkor convincing Mairon to seize the means of production this one is very well. It's not very favorable to the methods and ideas of Eru it is decidedly anti-Eru

📡why is writing and sharing your writing important for fandom?

I mean that's like, half of what fandom is. It's sharing words (both fanfic and headcanons/shitposts/analysis/incorrect quotes etc) and images (art/memes/edits/screencaps etc). We wouldn't really fandom without it.

🍭why did you start writing?

It's really just how my brain works? I can communicate so much better written than out loud. I've literally been writing since before I can remember. Both my parents are writers and my parents tell me I narrated stories out loud to myself at night before I knew how to write on paper. I just. I really liked saying things and telling stories and once I started I pretty much never stopped though of course the writing I did as a first grader was not the same kind that I do now.

🎈describe your style as a writer; is it fixed? does it change?

I mean, as a fanfic writer I always try to make my writing fit the mood of its source material, so there is definitely a lot of variation between say, my lotr fics and my owari no seraph fics. But I know that I do have many qualities of my writing that are recognizable throughout pretty much everything I do. I have a rather pretentious style, and I focus significantly on body language, exaggerated emotion, flowery metaphors, and internal dialogue. But my humorous work does sound pretty different, though I mostly don't do that unless it's for a general audience who I feel insecure being flowery and sincere around.

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing

Aww, ok. I mean I think the best thing about my writing is that it fits my personal tastes perfectly. I write 99 percent for myself and the other 1 percent for the six people on the internet who will froth at the mouth over it. I write mostly to articulate and cement my Strong Feelings About Concepts And Ideas and writing them helps me literally understand how I feel about things and what it really is I'm trying to get at. It's an added bonus that other people also like it :)

🍉in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life?

I can't really say I'm a super trauma-ridden individual, though I guess I've had my moments. Mainly writing does for me what I said above. I turn to it to have peace of mind and delve into the concepts that thrill and move me. When I feel overwhelmed and empty and unsatisfied and confused I know it's because I haven't written recently. Maybe thats the autism

🦋what are you most insecure about when you post a fic?

There's always just the general anxiety that it will be seen by the general fandom as uncalled for and cringe. I'm always worried I will be seen as a Fake Intellectual for my pretentious style and often limited knowledge on the source material and I'm worried especially when I enter a new fandom that I'll just be completely off and get 80 billion things wrong. The more I interact with, know about and post for a fandom, the less anxious I get because it's been established people like it and aren't gonna kill me.

#rowan gets yelled at #anon #ask game #yeah i really went off on this one lmao

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chlo3sevigny · 2 years

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thoughts on antonoff's ubiquity in the pop music industry and 'midnights'

imo his synth and reverb obsession works perfectly with this album. to me the whole idea of sleepless nights spent on overthinking has the feeling of blurred perception of time and space, while the only sound you hear is your voice echoing inside your head with no release. so in my terms, this was the best stylistic choice for this album, but of course it's not the case with some music he's produced in the past.

like 'sling' and 'solar power'.

first of all, who even let him enter the production room? he should've stayed away from those projects and let other people guide clairo and lorde on those albums bc he just doesn't have the ability to work well within certain music genres. also i think he produced too much music in last 3 years – excluding 2022 – and got too repetitive with no room left for experimenation.

but from what i see, he didn't really do much last year and in 2022 we only got the minions soundtrack (lmao), 'midnights' and the 1975's album. imo all of them turned out great, so i'll just stick with the theory jack shouldn't produce too much within a certain period of time.

since i've mentioned 1975 i can't just leave it like that and i HAVE TO say jack's done an AMAZING work in reviving their old sound, without making it feel outdated. the 1975've been heavily influenced by the 80s since the first eps, so jack's input here is unquestionably appropriate. he helped them find the balance between the sound that essentially helped them get into mainstream and their following exploration of their own voice. imo this was the greatest move they could've pull rn – marketing- and music-wise.

current tumblr revival and 30-year-olds quarter-life crisis of og tumblr girlies is the perfect moment for bringing back the memories of carefree teenage days spent on the internet and listening to the 1975's self titled album. and i think it wasn't on accident – matty's too self aware to even think he didn't expect the new album to become fans' new favourite. he knows his listeners thanks to being chronically online. calling a song a continuation of 'robbers'? yeah it's no coincidence.

so did they do a right thing by bringing antonoff to this project? absolutely. i can't imagine anyone else helping them get back to their best.

but did taylor do a right thing? imo – yes. jack's one of her best friends, which probably helped her touch on so many triggering themes. all in all, the whole album is about topics that didn't let her sleep at night. is it repetitive? somehow. there are many melodies that bring to mind some of her older songs, but to me it's a good thing, because i feel like 'midnights' is not an era on its own, but more of a glue connecting her previous albums and kind of a closing chapter for taylor.

lyrically, themes on the albums are not new to us. musically, we can pinpoint to the specific album a song remind us of. and that's why i don't think any producer would work here. it had to be someone, who taylor trusts. someone who knows her and views her as more than just a music sensation, because this album wasn't meant to be a new era for taylor. she's happy, she's healing and she just wants to make music. and this time it felt like the music was supposed to serve as the closing door to her nightmares of the last 10+ years.

even though both the 1975's and taylor's album are filled with antonoff's synths and reverbs, it's not a bad thing. these exertions work great for both artists and their current music motifs. but should antonoff work with every single mainstream indie pop artist? obviously not. imo he should say no more often and focus on projects which would benefit from his distinctive music likings, and not just every mainstream pop albums that's trying to flirt with indie influences.

anyway. antonoff fed me good these last two weeks. i feel like i'm 17 again and never want to die.

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tetedump · 2 years

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hey!! i was wondering if you could tell me about the different kinds of trauma focused therapies that exist rn? if possible haha

ooOOOoooOooOoOoOOo fun question.

so there's a bazillion. I am a wee uni student. I will not be able to touch on them all, and I do not know enough to really fully explain any of them, but I can mention a few that I've learned about in class and in looking for my own treatments.

so you've got psychotherapeutic treatments (non-med, so talking or behavioral) and pharmacological treatments (medicine)—but the two are sometimes joined together.

cw description of trauma-focused therapies

pharmacological (+ psychotherapeutic) (first just bc it's the category i know least about) So like there's really cool treatments with ketamine, for example, that gets taken before a longer talk therapy session, and the therapist helps the patient ride it out and really cool work can be done that way. Similarly for psilocybin (magic mushrooms), or microdoses of MDMA. All of these things are earlier on in their research stages, and all is prescribed by a clinician. Most involve being at the clinicians office for the majority of the high, and doing work with the therapist throughout this experience.

psychotherapeutic There are so many. I know very little about trauma-focused CBT (TF-CBT), but I know a lot of people are trained in that. There's eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) which is super cool. You don't have to have a really good relationship with your therapist for this to work properly, so it can be a really good option for people who have difficulty trusting and connecting to others. This is what I'm doing currently, and I highly recommend:) There's internal family systems (IFS) which operates around the idea that there are different parts of all of us. Like how sometimes people say things like 'a part of me will always be with you', just for example. IFS then is like 'ok lets focus on these different parts of you!' So there might be a part of you that feels scared with thinking about this trauma, or something else, there's a part of you that feels angry, a part of you that wants to run away, a part of you that can't move, etc etc etc just for examples. IFS lets each of these different parts exist, without judgement, because they all are you. (My therapist puts a bit of this into my treatment which I like; we talk a lot about child parts:) ) There's prolonged exposure therapy, which is about teaching your mind that the memory on its own is not dangerous, and anxiety will decrease over time.

This is just a general overview, let me know if you want to know any more about any specific one and I can do my best to look through my notes:)

I also think it's worth thinking about whether you might want treatment for an isolated incident of trauma, or multiple incidents (this might point more towards complex-PTSD, or C-PTSD). If it's the multiple incidents, I'd recommend checking with your clinician that they have experience treating C-PTSD, as it can be a lil more convoluted and layered to work with.

all of these treatments are stupidly expensive, at least in the US. imo, that shouldn't deter anyone from trying to get treatment—you can explain your situation to the therapist, and most will be able to reduce the fee. if you have insurance, you can also check to see how much money your insurance will reimburse you, if the therapist isn't covered fully by insurance (which most aren't). you can also check to see if there are any clinical trials going on at a hospital or clinic near you, and that might be a good way to get cheap or free treatment.

let me let me know if there's anything else I can help with!! also if you know something different please feel free to message in the comments, or if i explained something a little off pls let me know that too:) <3

#cptsd #ptsd #trauma #trauma therapy #cptsd therapy #ptsd therapy #emdr #tf-cbt #ifs #prolonged exposure therapy #internal family systems #therapy #college #university #psychology #uni #psychblr #mental health #ich

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weabooweedwitch · 2 years

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I don’t want this to come across as, like, pity because it’s not and I’m sure you don’t want that, I mean this in the normalest, friendliest, least parasocial way possible because having followed you for years and spoke to you a few times it sucks that you are in this situation and have had to repeatedly go through it: can we help you somehow? Ko fi donations, Amazon wishlist, therapy fund etc? Is there anything we could do to make things a little more bearable?

For one I just wanna say that it actually just in itself means a lot that people are wanting to help me or at least vocally reaching out because like.. this is such a big world we're living in and its so easy to feel like i dont mean shit or matter for shit or can change shit at all so its nice to know that like. I dunno.. im glad i was able to kinda find this space for myself because like i dont really have a social life and without you guys (using "you guys" as a general word for all of my online friends rn) i wouldn't have anyone else to turn to

And also I don't perceive you guys wanting to help me as pity at all and really its kind of just validation because I'm basically 24/7 doubting myself and "am I valid for x, am I valid for y" so when im having kind of a crisis and people actually say "shit bro you ok" that feels better than like. I dunno. What does mother usually say. Stuff that's meant to be supportive but is kind of just toxic positivity like "You're overreacting and don't even think about it" which, those can be valid grounding techniques but like, you usually try and soothe the initial feeling first and then tell yourself not to think about it if you're obsessing over it

So I typed up what accidentally turned into a huge paragraph but, as nice as an Amazon wishlist sounds --because it makes me feel good people like me and gifts are always nice of course-- I would feel guilty for even making that public, and, to be realistic, my rent is very cheap and the only reason I don't have a lot of savings is because I keep spending money on bullshit. I kind of need to exercise restraint and actually save money because uh like I've been working for like 2 or 3 years now and I basically still have what I started with. So. I guess TLDR is "i would feel guilty accepting gifts i can technically afford for myself and also I would feel like a total chump beggar 😔". Maybe when I learn more self kindness I'll feel less guilt accepting gifts I guess? Where i am right now, it just feels like I'm being, I dunno, manipulative

Monetary donations are kind of the same and I'm stricter on that and try not to take money unless there's some kind of emergency. I do worry about money a lot but its usually always in the "how can I support myself on my own in the future" sense. I mean, most people put away a small part of every paycheck, but my savings account actually kind of expired and got closed so I just have the one checking one and uh, it's easy for me to keep pulling out of it, you know 💀 but that circles back to "i have to personally learn how to exercise financial restraint" and also like. Let's not. Think about how all the socioeconomic policies in America aren't even remotely in my control so I should uh try and ignore that technically no job is paying enough and everyone has to have roommates or a spouse to afford anything 😅

And also. Yeah I'm ok on like therapy funds and stuff because I'm actually on state insurance, actually I'm trying to cut down my work hours to guarantee I stay in the right financial bracket so I can keep it. I was talking to a couple people last night and I might consider going to a doctor again soon but im really hesitant about it. It kinda seems like I need a more thorough evaluation from a psychiatrist and. Well.

I think my first "big goal" for right now is that I should put some money aside and. Uh. Well. Kinda quit my job for a while so I can focus on those sorts of things. I feel really bad even saying that but the fact is, the fact is, im a person with severe mental illness and depression and my current job involves random strangers constantly constantly treating me like shit and sometimes getting very verbally abusive and aggressive and sometimes just having someone suddenly approach me can be very startling? Did I ever tell you guys about the time a random older man just came up from behind me and briefly grabbed me from behind? It was ad a joke and I was on edge watching my peripheral vision for motion that entire week

So I guess to make a long story short I think I should. Focus on what I want to do in terms of medicine right now and really fight to pursue the fact I think some really important diagnoses have been missed, and to do that without a lot of stress, to have a flexible schedule to see a doctor, I think the best decision is to take off work for a while, which I think is a good idea anyways? So to do that with a clear conscience I just want to have a few months of my portion of rent and then some extra in my bank account so I won't have to stress about immediately getting back to work or getting a new job. Because that's another decision I have to make: for I want to brave the current job market and look for another job and risk the one I currently have.

Long answer is long but I have a lot of thoughts right now 💀 talking with you guys has been a huge help in of itself so thats the only payment I'll accept for right now 🥰

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jeojahari · 3 years

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02 | kiss it better | myg

🠒 summary: you're one of the lucky ones, everyone else tells you. finding your soulmate the day you turn 18 isn't something that happens to a lot of people... but you and your other half are going to have to make a lot of progress to be able to tolerate each other.

or, you and yoongi can feel everything the other feels, and you're hell bent on causing each other pain.

🠒 pairing: yoongi x reader

🠒 genre: angst, fluff, e2l!au, soulmates!au, college au, crack?

🠒 warnings: profanity, implied smut

🠒 word count: 2.6K

🠒 notes: omg tysm for all the love im literally about to start happy sobbing rn TT i hope you enjoy this chapter!! <3

btw if my writing is not up to par at any time pls let me know, i'd hate to give you low effort writing TT

part 02: two band-aids

(series m. list)

"I am so fucking stupid."

"I know."

"I can't believe I just ran out of there without saying anything!"

"Ah. I can."

"How is it Yoongi, though? I don't understand! How can two people who are so obviously different and have zero chance at getting along be paired like this?!"

"Hey," Jimin places a comforting hand on your shoulder, "maybe this is the universe trying to prove that you can find love where you least expect it!"

You shoot him the nastiest glare you can conjure up in the moment. "You sound like a children's fairy tale synopsis. Please shut up."

"No, but think about it!" Jimin sits upright, pulling the nearest pillow into his lap. "You don't like him, and he probably doesn't like you. You hate coffee, and he's practically in love with it. The only reason you guys ever interact is Taehyung, who you happen to be in love with."

"I'm not in love with him!"

"Sure," Jimin rolls his eyes. "Anyways, this is literally the perfect recipe for romance. I feel like I have front-row seats to the best enemies to lovers story ever."

"Don't make me hit you."

"It's true, though," Namjoon pipes up from beside you. You're sandwiched between both of them in an attempt to extinguish the growing dread in the pit of your stomach. "You don't really know what he's like, Y/N. People aren't always what they seem at first glance."

"I had more than just a glance," you snap. "And I know him for exactly what he is. A fucking sociopath."

"I mean, he's nice enough," Jimin explains. "I've spoken to him a few times in passing. Maybe he just wasn't having a good day when you talked to him?"

You pause and think, because your friends are right. It's plausible, isn't it? Not every grumpy person you meet goes out of their way to be antisocial... but you can't shake off that feeling you've harbored ever since you first met him.

"I don't like this," you whine, hiding your face under the blanket. "I don't like him. I don't want to be his soulmate."

Namjoon chuckles. "Soulmates aren't always lovers, Y/N. If he's actually a sociopath, or you genuinely despise him after giving him a chance, you're not obligated to love him."

"True," Jimin nods. "My parents were never soulmates, but you know how well they get along. They had me, after all," he adds as an afterthought. "They couldn't have done that without loving each other."

Namjoon winces. "Okay, no. Didn't need to hear that."

You let out a frustrated groan, kicking your legs under the sheets. "I hate this," you grumble. "And I can't even do anything ab — oh!" You sit up, suddenly enlightened and an imaginary lightbulb over your head. "I can!"

"You can what?" Jimin asks, clearly confused. In response, you simply beam at him before doing an impromptu somersault over his legs and tumbling right off the bed, landing on the ground with a loud thump.

"Y/N?!"

"She's insane!"

"She's gone mental!"

"Is she having a seizure?"

"Do we need an ambulance?!"

"Is she okay?"

"Joon, I'm too broke to pay for the ambulance!"

You throw them both off of you. "I'm right here, very much alive, and very sane, thanks."

"Well, what was that, then?" Jimin demands. "If you were trying to show off your gymnastics skills, it didn't work. You look like a clumsy baby koala."

You point at Namjoon. "He's the clumsy one. And no, I wasn't trying to show you my nonexistent gymnastics skills." A huge smile spreads across your face. "I just discovered a great way to release all my frustration."

"By falling off the bed?"

"No, but yes." You lean in like you're about to tell them a secret. "You know... I bet Min Yoongi is cursing the heavens right now, isn't he? For pairing him with someone like me."

Namjoon stares at you incredulously. "Don't tell me..."

"She's going to do it anyway," Jimin tells him, before turning to you. "You're just going to hurt yourself to hurt him, Y/N? Are you for real?"

"It's perfect!"

"It's stupid, and usually I would tell you to go for it if you were planning to kick some dumbass's butt, but not if you're getting hurt in the process."

"Well, I'm doing it anyway," you say. You're 100% decided; you've just found the one part of your bond with Yoongi that delights you the most, and with that comes your singular goal: irritating him to no end. "And this isn't even that bad, Jimin. Wait until I'm on my period. Then he's really going to wish he never knew me."

Actually, you're screwed.

"Ouch!" you hiss, your body jerking at the pain that courses through your arm. You're forced to stop writing mid-word, the dark blue ink a mess on your paper due to these constant interruptions of your sudden movements. "What the fuck?!"

The girl sitting across from you raises her eyebrows at you, half concerned for your sanity.

"Sorry," you whisper apologetically. "My soulmate's a jerk. Honestly, I probably caused this, but I don't regret it at all."

She laughs, eyes turning into small crescents. "Hate at first sight?"

"More like at first conversation." You sigh, letting the pen fall from your fingers. "I don't know how I'm supposed to get along with him, let alone love him. We have absolutely nothing in common, and I'm pretty sure this dislike is mutual. Which reminds me—"

You bang your knee against the table in retribution for Yoongi's attack on his own arm, a satisfied smile on your face.

"Wow." The girl stares at you, rather taken aback. "That's some serious beef you two have got."

"Yep. Can't stand him," you confirm. "What about you? Have you found yours yet?"

"Not yet," she says, trying to look indifferent — but you catch that wistful look in her eyes. "Someday soon, hopefully."

"You'll find them," you say, the exact words you've repeated to Jimin multiple times over the years. "Time is all it takes. I hope yours is less of a jerk than mine... and if they are, I'm more than happy to instruct you in the ways of torturing them."

"Noted," she smiles, before returning to her book.

You, though, can't focus. Actually, you haven't been able to concentrate on anything lately — ever since this trivial back and forth between you and Yoongi turned into something more desperate and warlike, it's all that's ever on your mind.

Sighing, you stand up, leaving your place at the table to go fetch a book from one of the many shelves lining the opposite wall of the library. It doesn't take you long to find what you're looking for, but you immediately stumble over and hit the ground, nearly knocking your head against the wood of the shelf.

"Fuck," you hear someone curse in the next aisle. You know that voice, you realize after a few seconds, immediately ducking your head around the corner in amused curiosity.

"What'd you do to yourself this time?"

Yoongi scowls at you from the ground, as irked as always. "None of your business."

"It kind of is, actually, now that I feel it too."

"Oh, really? Where was that concern when you were hurting yourself just to get back at me for doing absolutely nothing?"

"You did it back! You have no right to be telling me what I did was wrong if you decided to do it too!"

"Why the hell did you do it in the first place?"

"Shh!" The librarian walks past the two of you, giving you a sharp glare as she replaces a few books with the ones in her hands. You nod apologetically to her, head bowed.

"You're so loud," you whisper a few seconds later, just as Yoongi gets himself off the ground and has managed to gather the books he'd dropped.

"You literally started yelling first, Y/N."

A deep frown makes its way onto your face. "You know what? I still don't understand why you're like this. Can we not have a civil conversation for once? Every time I talk to you it turns into a goddamn argument!"

"Yeah, well, maybe if you'd just minded your own business, we wouldn't be having this argument!" Yoongi pauses for a breath. "You always make it an argument, Y/N, I don't go out of my way to pick a fight with you!"

"Isn't that what you're doing right now?"

"No! I just don't understand your problem with me! Look," he says, a little calmer, "I know you don't want to be my soulmate. And I'm not particularly in love with you either. But you can at least act like I'm human too, right? Or is that too much for your inflated pride?"

"Did you just call me arrogant?" you ask incredulously, trailing after him as he walks back to where he was sitting. "You think I'm doing this because I'm conceited?"

"N—"

"Well, for your information, I'm not. I just really dislike you."

Yoongi tongues his cheek in frustration, slamming his book down onto the table. "And for what?" he demands. "I like to know it if and when I fuck up, Y/N. Stop repeating the fact that you hate me and just tell me why."

You flinch at his harsh tone and the sensation that sends a painful twinge through your palm. "You're just... you're so hard to talk to," you accuse. "Like, really? How am I supposed to wrap my head around this whole thing when I can't have a conversation with you without feeling like shit?"

He's gaping at you now. "I'm making you feel like shit? And you're not doing the same by basically trash talking me to my face?"

"I'm not! I'm just telling the truth; and besides, you asked!"

"Who are you to go around judging the way people are? Not everyone is bubbly and cheery, you know? Being grumpy for a second doesn't mean being grumpy for a lifetime!"

"Well, I can't tell, can I? Not when you always act like you hate the rest of the human race!"

Yoongi doesn't reply to you, just staring back at you for a few moments. Instead, his jaw clenches as he turns away without any kind of rebuttal.

"Alright," he says gruffly. "I'll go first."

Your eyes widen slightly as your frustration dissipates. You'd only meant to check on him out of curiosity after his fall, you hadn't intended for it to escalate to this scale at all... "Wait—"

"Don't bother to talk to me next time," he interrupts you, a hint of bitterness to his voice. "Since I always make you feel like shit, anyways."

"No, I didn't m—"

Yoongi's gone before you can give him any miserable excuse from your side, bag slung over his shoulder and that cup of coffee in his right hand. You catch a glimpse of his fingers wrapped around the cup, two band-aids covering the knuckles of his smallest digits, and you can't help but wonder... did you do that to him? All those days you spent wrapping bandages around your legs and arms, was he doing the same?

But you hate him, right? No matter how closely bound you two are, you're allowed to do this, aren't you?

You don't know.

You recall the sight of his worn out expression and sigh, shaking your head. Whatever it is about Min Yoongi that draws the worst out of you, you'll never know. All you're sure of is that apparently you're supposed to love him, apparently you're supposed to be his and vice versa. But you just can't.

As you trudge back to your seat, you notice that the girl from earlier is still there, still taking diligent notes — except her eyes now follow you, a mixture of concern and curiosity.

"I'm fine," you state. The words come out far harsher than intended, but she doesn't seem to take offense.

"Really?" she asks instead. "S'great if you are, but if you're not then you're just lying to yourself, Y/N."

You blink at her, surprised. "Huh? How'd you know my name?"

"You guys were yelling," she explains. "I could hear him from over here."

"Aish. Sorry."

"Don't worry about it." She chews on her pencil for a second, seemingly contemplating something. "Mind if I give you my two cents?"

The girl's awfully blunt and gets right to the point, and it reminds you of your friends for a moment. Something about her just makes you want to trust her, to let her in.

So you shrug your shoulders and say, "Sure."

"Second chances only come once."

"Huh?"

She nods, tucking her hair behind her ear. "You don't really know anything about him," she says. "You don't know what's happened to him before. You could be his second chance, and he probably just took a blow after that whole debacle you two had over there."

"What?"

She chuckles softly, and you find yourself rethinking your stance on the situation. She's right, she's right, your heart tells you, but your brain is saying something else entirely, and it's maddening.

"Give him a chance, Y/N. Everyone deserves one."

Hours later, you're still thinking about what a random stranger said to you at the library earlier.

Yoongi? A chance? No, thank you. You don't need to waste any more of your time on guys that aren't going to give you the time of day once they're not interested.

And yet, a small part of your conscience says otherwise. He's not just any guy, it reminds you. You're soulmates for a reason.

You're so frustrated you want to tear your hair out. "Soulmates are stupid!"

Jimin walks into your room with two cans of soda, an eyebrow raised as he tosses one to you. "Yikes, Y/N. What's gotten into you today?"

"Min Yoongi," you grumble.

Your best friend gapes at you, nearly spilling his soda all over himself. "I'm sorry, what?"

"What?"

"Already, Y/N?!"

You're confused as you take a sip of the sweet drink. "Already what, Jimin?"

He's opening and closing his mouth, eyes so wide he looks like a clown out of those children's cartoons. "You and Yoongi — you guys — I can't believe you finally got laid!"

This prompts you to spit out the liquid in your mouth, dissolving into a coughing fit as you try and regain your breath.

"There, there," Jimin says, stroking your back gently. "I won't mention it again if you don't want me to, I'm sorry. Was he a bad lay?"

"A bad what? Jimin, I don't know what you think I'm doing, but having sex with him is most certainly not on my list," you frown.

Your best friend, on the other hand, looks totally dumbfounded.

"Huh? But you answered with his name!"

You smack the side of his head gently. "That's not how idioms work, dumbass."

"Okay, sheesh, sorry," he apologizes, rubbing his temple. "But really, though. Everything okay with Yoongi?"

"Not really," you say truthfully, "but it's fine. Neither of us are expecting anything from the other."

Jimin looks skeptical as he eyes you carefully. "You sure?"

"Mhm."

He tilts his head back, draining the can of soda as he swallows. "You know, Y/N, maybe you should give the guy a chance."

There it is again, that word. The one thing everyone tells you that you need to give.

But is it worth your time? Is he worth your time? Or is he just going to walk away and leave you broken again? Maybe you're being selfish, but you'd rather spare yourself the heartbreak process than willingly go into something you know won't be good for you.

"Yeah, okay," you lie through your teeth, soda can still nearly full in your hand. "Maybe I will."

taglist: @meiadore @kimnamjoonluvbot @im-gay-no-matter-who-i-date @fangirl125reader @helenazbmrskai @min-yus @janeelizabeth1216 @chimchiekookie @chimchoom @igotnotype @beach-bitch-bitch-beach

taglist is still open! send an ask if you'd like me to add you <3

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#yoongi #yoongi soulmate au #yoongi enemies to lovers #yoongi college au #bts #bts fanfiction #bts college au #bts soulmate au #bts enemies to lovers #fluff #angst #crack?? idk #yoongi series #part 2 #mine #yoongi x reader #yoongi fanfic

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yrbutchgf · 3 years

Note

hey, i'm feeling a bit insecure in my identity rn and i was wondering if you have any... tips, or anything like that. i'm a lesbian who feels more comfortable in a masc role, and i think i would identify as butch... but i feel like i'm too emotional. i cry SO often. my mental health has been less than stellar for the last 10 years or so lol, so that plays a part, but i'm also just a crier. things that make me cry: criticism, heated discussions, presentations, movie/game/book endings, all music with violins, some music without violins, christmas commercials, those miniature food clay charms... literally everything. and it's always in public too, which is embarrassing enough as it is. and i know that doesn't have to mean anything for my gender identity, but the whole "boys/men don't cry" thing kind of did a number on me lol. i always feel like a little girl when others watch me cry, even though i want to be the protector. sorry for rambling, but i feel like you always have good takes on butchness and stuff like that, so i was wondering if you have any tips on feeling more secure in my butch/masc side :)

ok before i say anything else, thank you, i’m honestly really flattered you think that highly of my takes lol <3 i do try my best, i’m glad i’m able to help people to whatever extent i do with my posts. also, bit of a length warning -- i always set out with the intention of writing succinct responses to asks, but it always gets away from me, and this time "getting away from me" meant "turning into a manifesto." well, oops. c'est la butch/femme.

now to start this answer off: i definitely relate. i’m also pretty emotional. when i get stressed i get really shaky, especially in my hands, and then after that my body turns on the waterworks. i also have a fairly exuberant personality in general, and i'm very expressive with my hands & body language. the only times i’ve ever really fit the stoic archetype have been on accident, usually when i’ve felt uncomfortable in a social situation and it’s come off as strong silence. at the same time, i also don’t like when people see me cry or be emotional in general, especially in public. it makes me feel vulnerable in a way that i don’t like to give most people, and the fact that i can’t fully control when or if i do is uncomfortable. and i think disliking that feeling is totally normal, or at the very least it’s a common boundary to have. regardless of sexuality, gender, or presentation, there’s a social urge to cover up when we’re feeling our feelings, but even beyond that there is, i think, a reflexive, self-preservation level urge to cover up what can be easily damaged. so to an extent, i think it’s natural to shy away from vulnerability.

at the same time, the urge to push down one’s tears is not necessarily a HEALTHY urge, only a COMMON one, because you’re right: emotionality has no bearing on your gender or what roles you can take up. some of my best butch and masc friends are also extremely emotional people, and they’re very open about it, and in a lot of ways that openness almost feels to me more masculine or more butch, because they’re embracing their feelings, and that’s obviously a really hard thing to learn to do, so it’s powerful, admirable, and also to be honest, it’s attractive! the ability of someone to be brave enough to be vulnerable can in many situations make the people around them feel more at ease, and i think it can become a very steady, very stabilizing sort of masculinity. in other words, someone who is very comfortable in their tears is also very good and healing to be around. so i think in a lot of ways, when you learn to own your emotions rather than push them away, that can very easily augment your butchness rather than take away from it.

now obviously everyone views butch/femme differently, whether as genders/sexuality labels/dynamics/what have you, but for me no matter what at the center of these terms there is always this nexus, this core focus, of care. in the dynamic, butch/femme is about butches & femmes caring for one another in complementary ways both in- and out-side of romantic relationships. so when we talk about butchness standalone, you and many other people reach for words like “protector,” and i don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with that, i think protection can and often is a key role, but my point here is, where is that urge to protect coming from? it’s from love, from caring about the people you love. and i think it’s important to remember that and to frame it that way, because when you do, it becomes pretty simple: your emotionalism is more than anything a sign of that urge to care/protect/provide in you, or a driving force to those urges, however you want to frame it. far from taking away from your butchness, your emotions are at the very foundation of what it can be. i talked about this in the butch/femme server a bit, and thren @lesbiandaemon said it perfectly:

i genuinely think i (and many others!) would feel so much safety and security being w someone who allows themself to be vulnerable and earnest abt their emotions and it definitely augments butchness, from my perspective as a femme. i envy and care deeply for the butch whose emotions and vulnerability are on display, there's a strength in that imo, even if you've been made to feel self conscious and dysphoric and "less than" bc of that. i think of phrases like "the strength to remain tender", "the violence it took to be this gentle" in the lens of trauma but if that applies and you're ok w it, i think it could also apply here too [...]

whether ppl know it or not, sometimes the way one carries themselves can be projected onto others; there's already an example in how anon mentions the "big boys/men don't cry" thing, vulnerability being shut out and dismissed/disparaged isn't going to make anyone more eager/open abt their emotions. and like, going back to the butch/femme dynamic, it does feel so much more stable and steady if someone has the courage to acknowledge and let themselves feel their emotions, it's very welcoming and validating, knowing that someone can have a strong image and show their tenderness, knowing that you're safe and free from mockery/scorn to do the same when someone protective of you knows how it feels and will care for you because they feel touched to their core and have let you know in more than one way.

and i want to add an important caveat here: obviously not everyone who cares very deeply is going to be outwardly emotional or show it in the same ways. that’s true for all kinds of reasons. i think a lot of the stoicism we see in traditional depictions of butches can come from how people relate emotions to masculinity (that is to say, how people view masculinity as inherently based around a distance from one’s “softer” side), but also, honestly, i think this may also have roots in the historical coping mechanisms that a lot of butches took on in the face of a world that was unkind to them.

in stone butch blues, for example, there’s a lot of talk about this idea of “hard” versus “soft,” or “going stone,” especially when jess is first getting into the bar scene and she’s still fresh-faced to violence. and going stone in this context isn’t just about sexuality, it's also about how so many butches learned to stop letting people in even at a basic emotional level. for them, hardening up was an inevitability of circumstance, not an inherent facet of their personality or a building block of butch identity. i’m sure plenty of old-school butches would be glad to know it’s no longer inevitable or necessary for a butch to close themselves off completely in order to survive.

of course there are also plenty of butches who are just naturally reserved with their emotions, and that’s also fine -- that doesn’t mean they don’t feel things, or that they don’t care. they care -- all of us do! some of us showing it more or less than others doesn’t reflect badly on any of us, whether we’re of a more stoic or a more open variety. but some of us really can’t help showing it, and that’s okay. that’s just how the love spills out. the right person won’t see that as weakness or a crack in the fine china of your masculinity or whatever, they’ll see it as a lovely and endearing part of your whole and warming butchness. so embrace your emotions. do your best to honor the role they play in butch/femmeness. try to love your emotions, or at the very least not to be afraid of them. and remember: you are strong. your tenderness will not destroy you. in fact, it’s what built you to begin with.

#asks #anonymous #butch/femme #butch tag #butch #femme #lesbiandaemon #sorry if you were looking for a more down-to-earth sort of list of tips but i have a lot of feelings about feelings LOL #also thank you again thren for letting me quote you! having a femme's perspective in there i think really enriches this and also you just.#put it so well ik i said this yesterday but it really was beautifully put

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organic-guacamole · 3 years

Text

I've got a lot of thoughts on this finale.

starting with the length.

27 minutes? really?

I'm not asking for a 2 hour episode but cmon, at least give us something closer to 40 minutes.

next, the characters

the characters just didn't feel like themselves, especially portwell.

all season long we saw how much potential they had, how well communicated they were, how good they were at being a proper, healthy couple, and now they just can't talk to each other?

it doesn't feel like them.

portwell had arguably the best set up of all the other ships, they showed us how good they had the potential to be only to throw in a cheap plot to wrap it up? I would understand that they want some angst to make the ending all the more satisfying, but this was pathetic.

there I said it.

of all the ways to add drama in a ship, don't use the one that completely contradicts their entire development.

paired with the length of the episode, it seemed even more poorly written.

here I made a lovely, handy dandy homemade graph to represent how I see portwell's storyline:

as i said before, we saw the build up being nearly perfect. they peaked during episodes 9-11 because they just had the chemistry, the communication, and the most potential to be the endgame couple.

they just got eachother.

then we get Jamie popping in for 10 seconds and erasing a lot of that, only for mediator Ashlyn to jump in and solve their problems.

then there's the "kiss".

I know that Sofia is underage and that even if she/her legal guardians consent to the kiss, the writers can still decide not to show it, but still. In my opinion, if you're not going to show the kiss, then don't bother.

there are other ways to establish a relationship that would work better in this situation. Of course if they get together they'll have to kiss sometime, but one way they could postpone it is by having Gina be a bit more reluctant to give away her first kiss like that. it could also show how accomodating EJ is.

I like to think that Gina is very meticulous when making decisions so she'll probably want to be very sure of the relationship before giving him her first kiss. perhaps she'd stick to cheek kisses until she's ready, and then she kisses him and he's surprised.

that would've been, in my opinion, a sufficient way to hold off the kiss while still wrapping up portwell until season 3 when Sofia would be 18 (assuming they get picked up for S3 this summer then start filming fall-winter. Sofia will be 18 in January).

as my friend @rtcosley (idk why it's not letting me tag them, so their page is linked) said,

"They created like 10 plots

And instead of wrapping it up

They added 4 more"

there's just so much more they could've done...it's the season finale for crying out loud.

I get that seblos already had (what I assume is) their storyline for the season, the fight and resolution. Ignoring the fact that that only lasted for 2 episodes and didn't have anything to do with what we were expecting, (i.e.the financial differences between their families, as mentioned in episode 1, the fact that everyone treats seb like he's stupid, this being carlos' first show and the drama that the stress of that caused, etc.), seblos had to purpose this episode than to stand next to eachother and be gay.

I get that they're not part of the core four or anything, but the poster for season 2 has all of them, as opposed to season 1 just being the core four.

They deserved better, just like redlyn and kowie.

redlyn's arc was pretty early in the season compared to the other ships. they had Ashlyn confessing her insecurities in episode 3, antoine stirring the pot of confusion and causing a bit of distance between them briefly, and then big red confessing his goals and plans for the future in episode 8 and for the rest of it, we just see them getting closer and more comfortable with each other and caring about each other more and more.

they had a good arc together.

but that's just it. I wanted to see them have their own arcs. but then again, this show can't seem to balance multiple storylines. I think it is possible, but not when they keep adding new characters that don't contribute anything much to the story(more on that later).

kowie's storyline is... confusing.

I really like their dynamic, how carefree and happy Kourtney gets around him, how she's remaining true to herself and managing a million and one things, plus a relationship in her own without losing herself to it all.

but the main issue I have is that the entire development was never shown.

we went from strangers, to coworkers, to friends that flirt, to lovers that text constantly and went on numerous dates (and Howie met her mother at some point). but all of that, was off screen.

it's like the writers made every episode with them in it kind of thrown in at a new stage of relationship progression and said "here, accept this, no questions asked because we don't have answers"

I just wish we could've seen more of howie trying to get in her good side again after episode 7 because it seems like that's when a lot of it happened.

I appreciate the Rini scene in this episode, seems to be the very end of them, for good this time.

i'm happy about that.

Ricky especially deserves to be free for a while to focus on his development, and Nini has the chance now to really shine through her talents and make a name for herself.

The Rini storyline is the only one I'm fully satisfied with.

now, that being said;

what the heck are they trying to pull with Lily and Ricky rn???

just like that.

after lily being the villain this whole season, they're just gonna not redeem her and then have her confess her feelings to Ricky, a guy she barely knows and only talked to to harass and intimidate, and for him to reject her publicly then call her afterwards?

please I hope it's just to say "you dropped something, here it is and never contact me again, thanks." /hj

speaking of the villains, this season was promoted as the season of rivalry between North and East High right? so why did that plot idea only progress in about 3 out if 12 episodes?

we got Zackey Roy in there for a few episodes then he disappeared, Lily just caused Gina to stay true to her friends in episode 2 and 7 and then basically did nothing else?

this is what I mean by the new characters providing nothing to the show.

the writers can't manage having so many characters and plots at once so they start so many promising arcs, only to kick them aside later on.

we already know that the first half of the season felt like filler episodes, so I think they could've cut those down to leave room for the more important plots to take root, rather than have them pop up and get rushed at the end of the season.

all that, and they just add 4 more plots at the end of the season.

this post sounds very negative looking back...but if I'm being honest with myself, I'm just very very disappointed.

I love this show so much and I really expected better for the season finale, especially if they don't know if it's getting renewed or not.

given the IMDB ratings of this episode so far, I don't have very high expectations for the renewal, but I'm still hopeful because this show is a great thing, one of the best things that happened to me over the course of this quarantine. I've become so attached to this show, the cast and the friends I made through it, that I don't know what I would do if it just ends like this. writing these reviews and posts about this season has been so fun for me to do and thinking that this may be the very last one is a painful thought.

I'm sorry if you were expecting this post to be as light-hearted as my other posts about the episodes, I just had a lot to say about this episode in particular.

all my episode posts are tagged with "#guac's episode text blocks :)" in case you wanna read through and reminisce the simpler times🥲

#it got kinda cheesy at the end there oops #i love this fandom so much #i cant imagine if we dont get s3 #hsmtmts #hsmtmts s2 #hsmtmts season 2 #hsmtmts season 2 finale #hsmtmts spoilers #guac's episode text blocks :)

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sk-lumen · 3 years

Note

Need serious advice about setting boundaries or communicating when dealing with a person who:

Is a parent

Has unhealthy communication methods -- it takes very little for them to start full-blown screaming, shouting out all your 'negative' things/mistakes/past, can continue to scream-criticise you even after you've gone silent, for WHOLE MINUTES even if you've shut up, will not accept anything that even hints at them making a mistake

You can't trust since childhood coz u made the mistake of confiding in them with a serious issue as a young teen --- mental related --- and they belittled and invalidated you, and since then pretended you never confided in them and have NO IDEA how you've been coping without them or ANYone else for years... Yeah thanks, parent, what u said back then made me think I was the one at fault and so I stopped trusting even friends coz yeah, when ur own parent doesn't give a damn, why would anyone else?

Is a master at silent treatments without explaining what EXACTLY they're punishing you for, then when theyre in the mood, will start talking to you as if they hadn't ignored you for days. Lol I'd rather be water boarded I think. Especially for all the damage this caused when I was a child

Won't openly talk about what they want, yet expects ALL FHE TIME others (in the family) to know what they want, then will complain/scream/angry for AGES about how no one cares, no one gives a damn... And when someone asks them what they want, they either say: nothing, or "you should know! Can't u see?"

Upon asking them to please talk normally, will blow a fuse, and lose it --- happened multiple times today

Literally will use me as a scape goat to unleash their frustrations upon. Even when I leave the room, I can hear them b*tch about how much of a failure I am etc. The trigger being anything that bothers them, from a phone call to something other siblings did, bla bla. I limit my time with them... But it's like, it feels impossible to have them treat me normally, without ridiculing or criticising me. I'm already a very low self esteem person... This doesn't help AT ALL

In short, refuse to tell/ask/discuss important stuff, and getting mad randomly that no one read their mind, bcoz everyone's 'old enough to have enough sense' to know what they 'should' do... Eg will not pikc up the phone when we call them from the store to ask when what the needed isn't available, so what other alternative can we get... And then when we get home, will instead blame us for being fussy and not getting the alternative, completelt skirting around the issue they didn't deign to pick up the phone... I mean, I don't get it. In the past I HAVE in fact asked them to just openly tell me what they want/expect from me to make them happy... Got passive aggressive answers like "don't you know? Are you dumb?" Bla bla

Passive aggressive to the max when they've lost it

Expect me to drop anything I'm doing and immediately cater to them, and expect me to help them in their hobbies (while simultaneously, as I learned many years ago to much heartache, not being interested or even pretending to be interested in my hobbies. The disinterest taught me very quickly how much what I wanted meant, leading to years of self-invalidation. Luckily I've learned it really is them, not me. My hobbies are valid)

Will not talk about why they're feeling angry, what causes it. Instead will blame me, who's like the golden scapegoat in our amazing family, by saying :YOU made me negative. They've said it many times now... It hurts a lot, when I'm also struggling with my own issues which I ofc can't confide in them about :)

Today I manned up -- the outburst of hatred happened again! Over a simple thing. It was NIGHTMARE and made me angry/sad/frustrated/triggered---, and so I told them to stop talking like that... Boy was that the wrong thing to say... I don't think I can accurately tell u what happened afterwards...

Usually children learn communication skills from the parents... I at least learned to recognize the unhealthy ones, and what NOT to communicate like lol. Like, other parent is even worse, believe it or not. But that's another complex situation

I'm not bashing on the parent. Lord knows I even have that much of a right huh? I hate myself eveb more when they invalidate me if I try to show how MUCH THEY HURT me after a 'communication session'. As in, heaven forbid me if I BE SILENT afterwards and DON'T wanna listen to their retardation. Nope. Even then they provoke me, rage at me, you know how sometimes enraged people hiss vitriol thru gritted teeth? Yeah, that's what they did today after I stayed silent and tried to ignore them an hour later after the 'session' when they wabted something. It's like they don't even need me to say a word and will carry on and on for minutes 🤢

I feel alone, helpless and at a loss what to do

I want to move out. Due to severe mental issues I can't even move out rn coz it scares me even more. But this has to stop. Things are only okay if I'm absolutely passive, say yes to whatever they want, kill my wants and needs, and become a perfect robot bred to cater to them (parent)

I hope you can help me out, dear

Hi darling,

It sounds like you’re in a considerably toxic environment. I'm sorry you're going through this. Know that this is not normal, nor is it how a parent/child relationship should be. In case there's any doubt, let me start by saying you deserve to be supported, respected, listened to, to have your needs met. You deserve to live in an environment that offers you all of these things.

With that being said, from the many scenarios you’ve mentioned you’ve already tried reasoning and setting boundaries, to no avail. There is only so much you can do on your own, if the other person in the equation is not meeting halfway or at all. After all, a healthy conversation involves two people, not just one.

Here's my advice, in this order:

Calmly and maturely asking the respective parent to have a serious discussion with you and to listen to what you have to say. Share how their actions and behaviour is making you feel, let them know you care, and make sure to mention several solutions for the issue as well. If this doesn’t work…

Bring up the subject of needing help from outside, such as the assistance of a specialist/therapist. Family counselling can shed a lot of light on toxic behaviours that are ingrained from childhood (both in their case and yours), on fears your parent may have, stress from their work, whatever is causing their outbursts and anger - because there is always a reason. Behind anger is sadness, and behind sadness is some need not being met, or an underlying fear, trauma, etc. This is not a justification for their behaviour, they are responsible for it; this is simply the fact of how energy dynamics work. People bottle up their frustrations, fears, etc, and let them out on those closest to them, to whom they feel superior. It’s not fair, and it’s not healthy, but it is frequently how this pattern works. If this solution doesn’t work either…

Then unfortunately, all you can do is focus on yourself. If they refuse to meet you anywhere along the road, you have to pack up your things and go your own way. Literally or metaphorically. They may be your parent and you may love them even in spite of their behaviour, but you cannot hold yourself responsible for anything they say or do; that is on them. In those cases, you have to prioritize your own mental health and wellbeing, and focus on moving out. If your (home) environment is toxic, you have to focus on first changing it. That’s vital. Only afterwards can you start healing, refinding yourself, reclaiming your self-esteem and confidence, your sense of worth. As long as you stay stuck in a toxic environment, you cannot really heal; if there is abuse of any kind (physical, mental, emotional), the causes are still there, leading to re-traumatizing.

If for whatever reason moving out is not (yet) an option, I would emphasize seeking some sort of counselling for yourself, if nothing else. You need an anchor, some sort of support that will help you along your path until you do get out.

Now, I don’t know how old you are. I am going to assume you are over 18 and of age, so only mind my advice if that is the case. (As disclaimer, I don't provide advice to minors as it's not the scope of my blog nor am I specialized/focused on that area.)

I understand moving out seems scary because it is unknown, but with that line of thought you may wait another 10 years in the same situation. Wouldn’t you wake up 10 years later already having done the hard work on moving out, finding your independence, claiming your sense of individuality and moving on from this sort of environment, this phase in your life?

Sooner is better than later, but do so with mindfulness and care over your mental health, of course. I know it’s scary. But being an adult requires some difficult decisions at times, and setting boundaries begins with choosing your wellbeing and doing what needs to be done, even if it is something uncomfortable short-term, but highly rewarding and beneficial long-term.

Hope this helps... and wishing you much luck, clarity, gentle guidance and comfort.✨

PS: Lately I've been receiving longer and longer letters in my inbox. As solution, I was thinking of having longer asks/letters redirected to my blog where there isn't any length limit, and readers can more comfortably browse both my tumblr and blog - and those requesting advice can share and receive a more in-depth response.

-Lumen

#mental health #toxic relationship #toxic environment #boundaries #parenthood #ask #tw? not sure what to tag just in case #tw: swearing #tw: mental health #tw: anxiety

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bookwyrminspiration · 3 years

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WAIT. I'm late to the party but I just remembered all those anons were sending in "why I send you asks" and their reasons and I actually really want to participate, so I hope you will accept late applications?

The reason I send you so many asks is because you've just...built such a nice feeling that anything can be discussed, and it's never too niche or cringy or boring, and that's really relieving and amazing.

I'm sure you (along with many others) have realized by now, but I suffer from....really bad anxiety, both social anxiety and just in general, and it very often gets in the way of my life. Because of this and past experiences, I'm always very scared and hesitant to talk about my interests and my thoughts on anything.

But every time I've sent you an ask, even if it was, in retrospect, probably really annoying to read through the one hundred "sorry"s and "my bad"s, you've always been nothing but kind and interested in my ideas, and that was just...so surprising. Because I never really knew anyone who was willing to talk about anything, and it was just...really amazing to meet someone who was! Especially because I love and am interested in so many different things and kind of need someone to bounce ideas at. And it was really cool to see someone that was unashamed of their own interests and thoughts, but didn't make others feel bad for having different ideas.

Every time I send you an ask, you always have something interesting to say back. Something I hadn't thought of or considered, or a query that would make me rethink my own theories, or just a very well-thought-out answer to a question. I remember sending in tons of asks about the wings AU before it was released, and writing those was probably the highlight of my day, because I knew you'd take them and run with the ideas, and do your best to match my energy, and I was really grateful for that. And you were always willing to dig deeper, to think "but what if there was more?" and that's just...incredible! I don't have any other word for it!

I love sending you asks because you don't dismiss an idea or deem it as stupid, and you're just...such a kind and wonderful person that can make even the most obscure subject infinitely more interesting than before, and you never fail to make me consider things again, to expand my thoughts and views, and I'm really grateful for that.

So, because it should definitely be said by now, thank you!

And, well, that's why I love sending you asks :]

- pyro

there is no timeline so there's no way to be late! and I'm answering this a few days after you sent this, so if you believe yourself to be late then we can both be late together :D. you are fully welcome to participate if you want to (which you said you did)! it was mostly just a random question I had because i'm just as analytical with myself as I am with keeper, and knowing how other perceive and think of me is helpful for that--and I was curious about how i'd aquired so many asks so quickly, and then you all just turned it into complimenting quil hours for some reason !! (but on to your ask before I get even more distracted)

(note from a quil who has answered all of this: got very long so that's why there's a readmore! i love you /p)

this means so much to me--specifically your use of "built" because I do try pretty hard to maintain a positive atmosphere and welcome everyone in and treat everyone with the same attention. it didn't just fall into place, i try to be encouraging to everyone and support all the amazing work--art, writing, ideas, etc--I see from people. (note: i've been wanting to do a thing where I ask for fic/art/other recommendations from others (can be friends or their own) so i can go through and reblog a bunch of them with comments and the like, I just want to get through more of my asks before I start something like that). But you're right--nothing is too niche! there's so many details in the story it's impossible for one person to notice anything, so people bringing up the obscure and their own thoughts makes the story richer and more fleshed out for everyone else! and i think it's really cool to just see what other people focus on (like I said, my analysis isn't limited to characters, but I'm not like dissecting you all to understand each of you in a creepy way or anything. I just like to get a better sense of someone so I can respond in a way more tailored to them when we interact)

anxiety can really suck, so as someone who also has anxiety i am giving you a comforting hug if you'd like one. it genuinely impacts everything you do and think about, rewriting how you experience life. a single, inconsequential experience to someone else can literally change major aspects of how we think, which makes interactions so scary sometimes. i remember things people said years ago and still base my actions around them, but those people have absolutely no recollection of ever saying it, but just the fear of having done something wrong once permanently altered my thinking. (this is not to make this about me, I'm just trying to show I understand by sharing an experience of my own).

reading through all your "i'm sorry"s and "my bad"s wasn't annoying and never will be. you have never had anything to apologize for, and I know that sometimes you feel you need to enter a conversation and first apologize for being there, but I'm thrilled to have you here and always love seeing you in my inbox. I don't know how to articulate this properly, but I'm going to try. i saw your apologies and your apprehension as...a puzzle? that's absolutely not the right word but I can't think of the right one so please let me explain (I don't mean to imply you're like something to be solved or a problem in any way. words can be difficult and I'm trying to describe something very intangible rn, so I hope this doesn't sound bad). I didn't see it as annoying (you're never annoying), I saw it like it was something to work through, and while it's not my job or anything to help other's with their personal problems, it was like if I could just provide one space where I could encourage you (not just you, but anyone) as a friend to try shifting your language and start thinking of yourself more positively, then I wanted to give that.

because I am interested in your ideas! and I want to be kind and welcoming to you! but I also want you to be kind to yourself, so any impact I've had to give anyone a safer, less scary space is really cool. I don't know if that made sense, but I'm not trying to talk down to you or anything or be like I'm this high and mighty figure harboring lost souls or something, just that connection is important and I like being there for people. kinda worried that sounded bad because it feels worded strange but I'm trying to reciprocate and say i appreciate you and am happy to talk about anything!

i love bouncing ideas back and forth and you are more than welcome to say anything and everything you're thinking about. talking to you is always an absolutely joy and I get so excited when you send me an ask and when you're reading my response, because it often feels like this like...buzz? like we're just vibing on this frequency and it makes it so much fun to throw ideas back and forth and just listen to each other talk. i am very glad to have surprised you and met you! I don't know a lot of people like myself either, so having someone like you interact with me and just go all out on these little things and what we personally like about different parts of the so much fun. a lot of the other people I know irl feel like they just scratch the surface, they say things just to get credit for it and to appear like they know what they're talking about while ignoring all these other things that have such an impact, so it's amazing to have found someone else who looks at everything and anything like I do. my brain really is "a little bit of everything all of the time" so knowing you have so many different interests too is really cool. i am giving you an internet high five and pretending you aren't so far away.

I spent so much of my life being quiet when I had so many thoughts, so now that I have this kind of outlet I just! want to say everything I can! i want to look at everything from every perspective possible! the world is a huge collection of things tied together and I love following the strings to find the connected pieces! but I think that's a way of approaching the world not a lot of people share (I could be wrong), so it's really cool to hear you think my thought process is interesting!! my brain is practically composed entirely of questions. any subject at any time of the day and nearly all of my thoughts are just wanting to know more and trying to understand things, so having that opportunity to ask further questions and just learn things (about what other's thing, how things work, etc) is so much fun. you might've seen me ask some questions of other's in a few of the asks I answer, but those barely scratch the surface of just how many I have. my handle is in_quil_sitive (inquisitve) on nearly every social media platform (except for this one) for a reason.

I remember some of your asks from before the wings au was published, too. those were absolutely incredible, and I got a rush of excitement every time I saw you sent another. those were the the highlight of my week, too!! your enthusiasm and excitement for something I hadn't even posted yet gave me so much motivation to continue and you helped me think through so many future ideas and consider things from new perspectives. i know i specifically wrote that you inspired one chapter in the notes, but you've had an impact on every single chapter of this story/ it wouldn't be what it is without you, and I mean that with complete sincerity. you were the one who made me think "what if there was more" so I could make this au even better and work towards something bigger. I just have so many thoughts about everything all of the time, I can't go more than a few minutes without being distracted by a different train of thought, but knowing there was someone who would want to hear all the weird, disjointed ideas i'd strung together and composed into a more cohesive format was so cool. there's just so much to think about!!

I probably sound repetitive at this point but I love answering your asks because you're so receptive to the way i say things and it's like you're actually listening and want to hear what I specifically have to say, not just the general ideas. you want to know my unique, personalized opinions and perspectives and don't just dismiss them when they're not what you expect to hear or aren't generic. you're incredibly kind, too, I hope you know. I love the description of how I can "make even the most obscure subject infinitely more interesting than before." that is such a meaningful compliment to me. I just keep thinking about this line over and over again and it just...it really means a lot. because you're saying it's me that interests you and not just what I talk about. I could talk about anything and you'd still want to interact with me and that's so fucking nice. I hope you know the same goes for you. we can challenge each other's thinking together and make things even deeper and more complex before together <33.

thank you for being here and being my friend, pyro. talking to you is always one of the highlights of my day and gives me a very positive feeling that I carry around for a while. I do this thing sometimes where I film myself to later observe my behaviors in the middle of intense emotions to understand myself better (back to that whole analysis thing again), but it's not just negative things, it's also when I'm really excited or pleased with something and jumping around and stimming and all that, and some of those are from when I interact with you. that might sound a little weird but I mean it positively, as in talking with you makes me ecstatic.

I have said. so many things. so I will stop (for now). but I really appreciate having you in my life <33

#this response is 1757 words long i--#i have written shorter essays for my college classes #pyro this better convince you that i care about you #you're one of my favorite people #just in general #i really value our friendship #and hope none of this sounded weird #i tried to articulate it but some of the concepts didn't want to become words #so please know this is meant to be loving and supportive of you #in all aspects #i wrote so much and still didn't say everything I wanted to #you should be asleep when I answer this so hopefully this is something nice to wake up to #still don't feel i've articulated myself fully #but I have tried #worried about that puzzle part but I'm trying to say I want this to be like a safe space of kinds #where I can support you and encourage you to stop apologizing when you don't need to #and do that without judging you #ah anxious about that #if you cannot tell I don't want to mess this up and am worried I will #hnnnng #if I said something weird please let me know so i can fix it #quil's queries #pyrokinetic-loser #nonsie love #long post

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mbti-notes · 3 years

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Heyo, this is the INFJ that asked a year or so ago about learning psychology. Thanks for your last answer! I just wanted to ask about something else I've been having trouble with. I've always loved learning myself, especially in the mathematical/computational sciences. I've been doing so since I was 8 (I'm 18 rn) and I really love it. Since I was reading university-level stuff myself for all these years, I also got an on-campus job in research. However, since I've gotten this job, reading and do

[con’t: ing stuff has kinda lost its charm, the reason being that because I've started to see that I'm good at the field and potentially able to gain a lot of extrinsic reward for it, my motivation has become extrinsic because I have real stakes in not studying now such as not progressing in my career or even losing opportunities (Ryan's SDT theory? lol). I understand that I can just focus COMPLETELY intrinsically, without any focus on what I get from things, but that isn't preferable because I'll just it's just that I've caught a fear of success and procrastinate endlessly on achieving my long-term goals. I think I'm unconsciously afraid of doing too well tbh, because people don't like it (I've seen my peers becoming jealous and withdraw since I got my job and I didn't even realize why they did that until an elder explained to me). I'm also afraid of failing to do what I set out to do and showing myself that I was really in the clouds after all. Do you have tips to help me confront these fears?

BTW, I saved this for the last: your answer was REALLY helpful; I'm making tons of progress! I've chosen to 'specialize' in cognitive/personality psychology, a tilt towards the personality side, and I've already started applying and seeing the depth in the various theories put together by those intelligent folks. I think I'm starting to analyze theories and put them in a more theory-in-itself perspective, which is really enjoyable and gets me a bunch of insight I didn't know was hidden there. I've also started seeing the value in research and how it is used to forward and refine theory empirically. So thanks :D]

You’re welcome. It seems that your problem is related to function misuse:

Ni misuse: unrealistic expectations or extreme thinking

Fe misuse: self-image and self-worth problems

Ti misuse: twisted logic and inappropriate methods of judgment

Se misuse: superficial or oversimplistic thinking

The first major issue is that there’s something wrong with the way that you try to envision the future. 1) Oversimplified either/or thinking runs rampant. “Either I succeed or I fail.” “Either I am intrinsically or extrinsically motivated.” 2) From either/or thinking comes the formulation of extreme expectations. “I must be the absolute best to succeed”. “Failing means that I am the absolute worst.” “If I am only intrinsically motivated, I will procrastinate and fail.” “If I am only extrinsically motivated, I will lose myself and fail.” And on and on.

You don’t give yourself many options because your mind is closed or cut off from other options. If your N process is basically only capable of generating ideas that all lead to one conclusion - failure - it speaks to the immaturity of Ni. Listen more carefully to how you talk to yourself. If you talked to someone else the way that you talk to yourself, you’d be causing a lot of hurt. There is a distinct lack of self-compassion in your self-talk. You basically set yourself up for failure so that you can blunt the disappointment that you expect to feel should you fail - you are causing your own failure and disappointment. This is a very sad way to go through life. Sure, if you never really try, then you are able to live in the delusion that you could’ve been great. It is delusion because the fact is that you will never actually know the truth about yourself and your potential. You are saying that protecting your delusion is more important than the truth.

None of this thinking is useful or productive because it is all quite unrealistic. Your thinking is based on pure abstractions, detached from how learning actually works in the real world. Learning is a PROCESS of growth. It cannot be measured merely in stark terms of “success” or “failure”. Would you tell a child that they have failed unless they achieved 100% on the test? Yet that is basically what you tell yourself. Learning is a HUMAN process, nonlinear, unpredictable. It cannot be only intrinsically or only extrinsically motivated because all human beings are motivated by both kinds of factors. Are you a robot? You can just switch things on and off as you like? It doesn’t work that way. The proper approach is to balance the two because you need both.

The second major issue is that your identity seems completely tied up with how you perform in your learning and work activities. This perhaps speaks to an underlying fear of being inadequate, inferior, unacceptable, worthless, etc - all pointing to deep-seated shame -> unhealthy Fe that uses inappropriate standards to determine your value. Ti loop commonly uses displays of striving, competency, or intelligence to prove oneself and alleviate shame. Shame about what? What’s your shame? Being imperfect?

If your motivation for learning is actually perfectionism, then, yes, you’re going to have serious motivation problems, because your intention is misguided. As soon as you fail to live up to perfection, your motivation dies. Perfectionism cannot sustain long term growth because it is merely concerned with protecting your feelings and boosting your ego. Perfectionism drains energy rather than energizes you. Would you tell a child that the main reason for doing anything is perfection, that they must do everything perfectly, or else there’s no point? If so, you’d be guaranteeing their failure and depression. You will always fail to live up to perfection because perfection doesn’t exist except as a delusional possibility in your own mind. Always thinking in terms of “failure to live up to an ideal” means that your focus is always trained on the negative, and in that state of mind, there is no space for experiencing the positive aspects of learning and growth.

You need function development. It begins at the top, with the way that Ni+Fe (poorly) conceptualizes you, your self-image, your potential, and your worth. These are common INFJ issues, so I suggest that you read through the related tags and articles.

#infj #learning #perfectionism #motivation #procrastination #success #failure #self worth #self compassion #shame #auxiliary fe #ask

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artsygirl8 · 2 years

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Hiii!!! How was your day?

I would like to join your game please!! So a little background, I'm not really happy with my life/myself. I have never been and it is exhausting. I have anxiety and depression. I have this perfect me in my mind and I can't seem to get it. Everyone is moving forward but I'm stuck. I'm just...different . So my question is :will I ever get everything I want in life? (better looks, money, a relationship etc). Or really will I ever be happy or at least content with my life? (it is pretty much the same question so whatever you think you can answer better!!)

Here is a picture of my cats because there is nothing I love more than them!!! My name is Klara and I'm cancer sun, leo rising /venus.

Thank you so much!!! 💕

Hello Klara! It was neutral. How about yours? Thank you for joining in! I appreciate it! :)))

Before getting started I want to make sure you know that you don't have to take seriously what I'm gonna say. I'm new to this so I may not be accurate. It can depend from person to person! It's for fun! Just take what resonates with you, if so!

First of all, the pic you sent is adorable! 🐱

And yeah, I understand how you feel. But it gets better because as i say "There's no other way"! (That's sounded weird lmao) So let me tell you what I've got for you:

You need to drink green smoothies and juices, with spinach and cucumber (and every other green you want). It will help you feel better and strengthen your immunity. They also help to heal your heart chakra, which is associated with self-love and in that case we need this! If you struggle with weight-loss or you just want to shape your body, greens may help.

I feel like you are brunette and you have a beautiful thick hair! 🖤

You should stop comparing yourself to everyone else around you. You may think it helps you to motivate yourself, but it really doesn't. It only makes you doubt yourself more. Everyone has its own journey and pace in life. You are not behind, you are just unmotivated. No one can do the things you do in your own unique way, no matter how much they try, you have your own blueprint here!

I believe that when you'll finally stop looking around and start to appreciate yourself more, including your abilities, skills, heart, talents, you will attract what you want and what's good for your wellbeing. And I feel that's the first thing you need to do rn! This will bring you peace and make you see what you have to see without distractions! When you'll finally focus on yourself and see what a gem you are, you will automatically start attracting positivity into your life! You know, we really tend to spend our leftover energy to external stuff that we can't even control, like opinions of others, comparison. By being humble and respectful to your needs and others you will get better. You may need to get this attitude "I really admire how much successful others are. But I know I'm special, capable and proud of my achievements too, no matter how big or small they are, I am proud of myself".

I feel like you're a calm person with a warm heart and a good listener! People actually like your warm, loving and accepting nature! You are aware of that too, you know you are that kind of person but your self-doubt sometimes doesn't let you appreciate your goodness.

Also, make sure your expectations are realistic! Because sometimes we tend to confuse what's realistic and what's not.

I also feel that you may have a supportive or at least more open-minded family, which is a great! But you may sometimes feel like you are a burden to them because of the fact that you're still figuring stuff out.

Focus on yourself, see what a blessing you are. Write down your positive traits! Start small like: if you like junkies and you eat them a lot, reduce the amount. Start eating more veggies and less bread. Journal, spend more time with yourself if you don't. Draw. Do sth your inner child used to enjoy. I just gave some examples, you can do whatever you feel like doing. Steady and small.

Instead of spending your energy comparing yourself to others, put it into yourself! You are you! :))

I hope you resonate with this reading!

Let me know if you do!

Thank you and stay safe ✨🖤

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that-sweet-sweet-validation-blog · 6 years

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I don't really need validation but I need some advice if that's a Thing you do?? I feel so stupid and I don't even know what to do rn because I feel like I'm having some kind of dumb crisis and I'm just??? I'm 26 years old and I've been a cis woman my whole life and I have never once had a conscious issue with it but in the last few months I've sort of been questioning everything and it's intensified in the past week or so to the point where I've even been looking up boy names and binders 1/7

I'm just... so confused? I'm thinking about it and I don't really even hate my body and I align very strongly with certain feminine things like makeup and feminine fashion and the more I think about it I know I don't want to give those things up. I don't think I'm nonbinary, not as I understand it, but is it possible to be a very feminine trans boy? I honestly don't understand what's happening with me 2/7

Looking back I can pinpoint a few times in my life where I felt like things weren't exactly right like how I would get furious as a very young kid playing pretend and calling myself a king when my mom tried to correct me to call myself a queen, times when I only wore clothes from the men's department, a long period of time when I was uncomfortable with feminine pronouns, but nothing ever really sparked any kind of realization in me 3/7

This is very atypical isn't it? Surely I would have noticed something was wrong before this. Aren't most people younger when they figure this out? This is probably so stupid and you're going to be like 'what even is wrong with this person' and I'm sorry to bother you, I just don't really know who I can talk to about this :/ 4/7

(These two parts were hidden to protect the privacy of the anon.)

I'm so sorry for ranting for so long at you, please don't feel obligated to acknowledge me, I'm just old and dumb and I have no idea what's happening. 7/7

My response starts here:

Hello my friend! I can see that you are going through some very difficult things right now. I first and foremost want to clearly and plainly say that there is nothing wrong with you. You aren’t dumb for sending an ask. You aren’t dumb for asking someone for help. You certainly aren’t dumb for questioning your gender identity. You aren’t dumb for questioning at your age, either. Take a deep breath, in and out. Try to remember to be gentle with yourself, my friend. You deserve as much compassion and kindness as every other struggling LGBT+ person I speak to. You deserve happiness, and it’s okay to be sad or confused. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You don’t have to have all the answers, and guess what? Nobody does. Sometimes you just don’t know, and you have to take time to figure things out. That’s okay. Take your time. Don’t rush yourself into anything or try to put yourself in a box. Don’t panic because you aren’t sure where you fit yet. The answers will come. Maybe it will take a while, but they will. Some people know in a week and others in a few years. Their one similarity, though, is that they all eventually know. You will know. You will understand. You will not always be this unsure of yourself. And goodness gracious, I promise your situation is not at all atypical. You, as surprising as this may seem, are a textbook trans stereotype. That can be soothing in a way, I’m sure. So, so many people start questioning and/or transitioning well into adulthood. Some people transition in their thirties. Some people start questioning in their sixties. These people aren’t alone, and they make up a fairly large portion of the LGBT+ community. Despite what you may think, you are anything but late to the party. It is never too late to question your gender identity. It is never too late to transition. People all develop at different rates and different points throughout their life. Some people only come to realize their gender identity at your age. That isn’t at all uncommon or stupid or unhealthy. There are undoubtedly plenty of people just like you. I am so incredibly glad that you were brave enough to send me this and ask for advice and assurance. That takes a lot of courage sometimes. I want you to know, before I even say anything else, that I’m here. I am always here for you if you ever need me. Anytime you need to talk about anything gender related. Anytime you need someone to help you with these kinds of issues. I’m here for your support anytime you need it, and there is no shame in accepting the help you are given. My heart broke when I read your asks because you sound a lot like I did when I was questioning. I remember vividly how scared I was to be abnormal, how terrified I was to be wrong. My biggest fear by far was that it really was a phase and I was faking being trans. Every trans person I know has admitted to having similar doubts. It is extremely common. Society pushes us to be nothing but cis and straight, so we have trouble recognizing when we aren’t. It took me a long time to figure out if I was really trans or not. Long story short: I was. I am very much a guy. Feminine as I am, and there are many ways in which I am feminine. Plenty of trans guys I know are like me, actually. My boyfriend, who is also a trans guy, loves makeup. My friend, who is a non-binary trans boy, loves the color pink. There is never any reason you’d have to give up those things, not even being trans. There can be feminine boys, so there can absolutely be feminine trans boys. Not only that, but it very well may be that you are a feminine trans boy. A lot of the feelings you’ve described would very much fall into the category of gender dysphoria. Most trans people have always had some dysphoria but didn’t recognize it until they came to understand their identity. For example, I would always refuse to wear dresses when I was little. I didn’t know this was dysphoria until I knew I was trans. Not only that, but every trans person experiences different dysphoria about different things. Some only are uncomfortable with certain things and fine with others. Some don’t even have dysphoria at all but are just more comfortable presenting as their true gender. There are trans guys who wear dresses and feel fine. Others could never do that without feeling very uncomfortable. Dysphoria, like all experiences, is different for everyone. I’m sorry that you feel so isolated and alone. I’ve been there. And really, who hasn’t? Everybody tends to think that they are the outcast, the defect, the one who is different or atypical or wrong. And the truth is that, well, they’re right. Everyone is incredibly, tremendously, entirely weird. There is no such thing as a normal case of transness because every trans person is different. There is no transgender rulebook. There are no guidelines. Being trans isn’t about being just like every other trans guy, it’s about how you feel and what would make you most comfortable. Now, as for the situation with your ex, I’m very sorry about that. Changes like these are hard enough on their own, so it can be very upsetting when something like this complicates the situation. Quite simply, there is nothing you can do to quell people’s assumptions but tell them the truth. Tell them that your transness has nothing to do with your ex. That is the honest truth, and whoever doesn’t believe that isn’t a very good person to be associating yourself with. I know how scary coming out may seem right now, but it’s probably best to entirely set that thought aside for now. Cross that bridge when you get to it. I never want to assume anything, but it doesn’t really seem like you’re in a good place to come out right now. I’d recommend that you perhaps focus more on yourself and accepting the changes in your feelings that are happening right now. Again, like I said, take your time. Rome wasn’t built in a day. I promise you will eventually feel better and this will become easier. I hope you find what you are looking for soon. Remember to be kind to yourself! Good luck, my friend.

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prettypincher · 7 years

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She Sets the City on Fire

Request: A Sebastian smthye imagine with the reader being small and a part of new directions (I'm 4'9"1/2) and they are secretly dating and he sees some carry the reader during a performance and he gets jealous so he sings she sets the city on fire or closer (in front of new directions) and then he kisses them saying she's is his girl(?) -Anonymous

Pairing: Sebastian Smythe x Reader

Notes: PRETEND FINN IS NOT WITH RACHEL RN. Hope you like it!

“Babe.. babe.. baaaaabe!”

“WHAT?”

*record scratch/freeze frame*

“Hi. My name is (y/n) and this is my boyfriend Sebastian. I’m currently trying to study for the big history test coming up and someone is not being very helpful.”

“Sorry, babe, but I can’t help the fact you’re incredibly gorgeous, you look completely adorable when you’re concentrating and the whole.. situation we have working here isn’t in fact.. working.”

“Yeah. I should probably elaborate. I’m in a club in my school-McKinley High-called Glee. You’ve probably heard of it. We’re called the New Directions and are currently in the middle of a legendary battle with Seb here’s glee club from a neighboring school, the Warblers. Somehow this little idiot convinced me that it would be a good idea for him and I to date.”

“I don’t know, babe. Even if I were the one to convince you, it was pretty easy.”

“Whatever, Warbler. So, now we’re hiding it from our teams because we don’t want any unnecessary drama between the already feuding clubs. Dating in secret definitely has it’s perks, but Sebastian doesn’t exactly like the fact that he can’t ‘flaunt’ me around in public. His words.”

“I just want to be able to show off my best girl like any other sane guy in this world. I don’t really care what your.. friends think of us as long as we can be together. It would be so nice to be able to take you out without having to always be on alert or driving over an hour away.”

“I know, honey, but I don’t think I’m ready to hear what they have to say. Especially Santana and Finn.”

Sebastian scoffs. “Finn? Why would you care what Finn thought? I’m sick of him always hanging around you. It’s time he realizes that you’re mine a-and taken and.. mine.”

“Aww. Is someone getting a little jelly there, baby?’

“No! I just.. want people to know you’re mine.”

“I know, Seb. We’ll tell them soon. I promise.”

“Ok. As long as it’s soon. I’m tired of sneaking. Although, it is kinda hot isn’t it, babe?”

My cheeks turned bright red. “Seb, hush! We don’t talk about that!”

-The next day-

“5! 6! 7! 8! And step! And step! And spin! And drop! And step! And-hey! Guys we have to focus if we want to win at Nationals and beat those wiry Warblers!”

The high and slightly squeaky voice of Rachel Berry rang through the auditorium as she directed the glee club and led everyone through their respective steps.

“Rachel. We’re working really hard and I just think that everyone could use a little break,” Tina tried to reason with the diva, but when does reason ever work with Rachel Berry?

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know my passion for this team and club was too much for you. I just want to win. Us! I want us to win.”

Everyone tried to hide either their annoyance or amusement at their female lead. Most failed.

“Ok, Rachel. You win. Let’s run it again.” “Thank you. 5! 6! 7! 8!”

The first notes of Taylor Swift’s You Belong With Me reverberated across the auditorium and the stage came a live with song and passion. Mr. Schuester gave me the ‘role’ of Taylor with Finn as respective love interest. Go figure.

The glee club did a wonderful job of playing out the events of Taylor’s music video. Too good of a job. At least according to Sebastian who was hiding in the back of the first floor. He watched as his girlfriend was paraded around the stage portrayed as a love struck girl who had the hots for the exact guy he wanted her to stay away from. As (y/n) stole the stage, Finn held up the newly added male vocals. Sebastian could start to feel the anger and jealousy seeping into his veins. He was about to rage. At the end of the performance, Finn and (y/n) strutted up to each other and demonstrated a stage kiss. You know. The thing where the guys brings his hands up to girl’s face and places his THUMBS OVER HER LIPS AND KISSES HIS FINGERS! Sebastian was mad. He stalked out of the auditorium and made his way to the glee room where he knew everyone would be going after the performance. It was time.

The voices and laughter of the members of McKinley High’s glee club were nearing closer and closer. Sebastian recruited the instrumentalists for a very special performance. She Sets the City on Fire by Gavin Degraw began playing as the New Directions came into sight. (Y/n) was at the front of the group with Finn not far behind. They stopped in their tracks when they saw Sebastian standing in the middle of their choir room.

“Sebastian?”

“What’s the devil doing here? In our school? In our practice room?’

“Hello to you too, Santana. I’m here to serenade my girlfriend so if you all could take a seat.”

“GIRLFRIEND?!” Everyone was very confused including yourself, but everyone surprisingly listened and took their seats.

“Everybody knows she's a perfect ten

And I'm hanging on tight til the whole thing ends

Cause New York sky don't get much brighter

She sets, she sets the city on fire.”

Sebastian walked up to the group and pulled (y/n) onto her feet.

“Somebody told me if I'm not careful

Well, this one's gonna roll me

I got my hands full and this one's gonna own me and control me

I'm so mystified

She caught the last train last night, left another note

Saying "see you next time; miss me if you don't"

You look good in your bed; til we meet again

You went through my head and nobody told me so.”

The New Directions were all very confused. How could their sweet little (y/n) fall for such a cold-hearted jerk?

“Everybody knows she's a perfect ten

And I'm hanging on tight til the whole thing ends

Cause New York sky don't get much brighter

She sets, she sets the city on fire

She sets the city on fire

Burns like a million lighters

I'm going up, I couldn't get much higher

She sets, she sets the city on fire.”

As the song went on, the glee club actually started listening and watching. The whole time Sebastian was staring into (Y/n)’s eyes and twirling her around. He looked like a love struck little boy who had fallen in love with what he thought to be an angel. He looked.. kind.

“New scene, next block

She'll be jaywalking right across while the cops talk

Make you feel like a boss when your eyes lock

And you can't stop staring endlessly

She got the whole thing figured out; hits me where it hurts

And I know I might be swinging at a curve

I don't mind it, though, when the lights are low

She can hit the notes wearing my T-shirt.”

Sebastian ended the song with the chorus and everyone was either deep in thought or their jaws were on the ground. Sebastian then began speaking.

“Hello, New Directions. If your public school brains hadn’t caught on yet, (y/n) and I are dating. We’ve been together for 5 months and I felt it was time everyone knew.”

The choir room then exploded with yells and screams. Everyone was upset at because not only did (y/n) not tell them she was dating, but she was dating Sebastian Smythe-glee club enemy #1 and who Santana called Satan.

“Guys, guys! Calm down! This is exactly why we-I-didn’t want to tell you. I knew you’d freak out and basically forbid me from seeing him. It’s just.. I know he hasn’t been on your best sides.. ever, but I really, really like him. As in more then I’ve liked any guy before. He’s kind and caring and apparently overprotective and I love him. I just hope you can support me in this and trust that I know what I’m doing.”

All was quiet among (y/n)’s friends. For about three seconds.

“But (y/n), he’s the enemy!” “He has caused nothing but trouble for this team!” “Do you not remember all the insults and threats that came from his own mouth?!’

A loud whistle pierced the shouts and hollers of the enraged glee club, effectively silencing all the voices in the room.

“Excuse me. I’m still quite confused as to what’s happening here. Our little ray of sunshine, (y/n), has chosen the devil himself as her lover. That's complete bull!”

“(Y/n) was trying to say that she cares about all of you just as much as she cares about her own happiness. Actually more! She was scared to tell you because she didn’t want to disappoint any of you, but I’m telling you that there is nothing you have to be disappointed in her about. I love (y/n) with my whole heart. No one has ever made me as happy as she does. She’s loving and passionate and the cutest little alto I have ever met. She completes me and makes be want to be a better person.”

“And he’s gotten better,” you jumped in. “Sebastian has been nothing but swoon worthy throughout our whole relationship. Just a bit annoying sometimes.”

“Hey! I have been a great boyfriend!” “Yes you have, dear, but everyone has their own faults.” “Whatever,” Seb scoffed.

Everyone was watching Sebastian and (y/n) with mild interest and disgust.

“Guys, please. I’m a big girl. I’m not a baby like you all treat me.”

“We know that, (y/n). We’re just shocked you chose our competitor who has continuously tried to demolish us to date,” poor Finn muttered.

“I think they’re cute.”

Eyes widened and stared at Rachel as the seemingly traitorous words slipped from her mouth.

“What? It’s not because Finn has a puppy crush on (y/n). I know she doesn’t like him like that. Obviously. But haven’t you been listening to what they’re saying. They love each other. Who are we to get in the way of that?”

For once everyone agreed with Rachel’s statement. The last bits of resistance drained from the room.

“OK. We’ll support your relationship as long as you know one thing. If you’re doing this to mess with us, hurt our team or just screw up like every guy does and hurt (y/n), you’re are going to suffer. Do you hear me? I will make you want to have never been born, much less have ever met us,” Santana threatened.

“Message received, but my intentions with (Y/n) are completely- ok mostly- innocent. I genuinely love her and I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her. Ever.”

“Fine. Then we give you our blessing. Treat her well.. or you’ll regret it.”

“Ok, Santana. Thanks for you approval,” you tried to calm her.

“Whatever.”

“Thank you all for your cooperation. I was just ready to let everyone know that this angel is mine. I want her to wear my jacket, go on public normal dates with me and not have to hide anything.”

“I love you, my Warbler.”

“I love you too, my angel.”

“...you were a little pitchy in areas.”

“(Y/N)!”

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