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mins-fins · 2 months

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june 20th.

&&. on june 20th, the world ended. the sky turned orange and the ground beneath your feet cracked.

pairing: lee donghyuck x m!reader

genre: fluff?? angst??

warnings: mentions of death

word count: 1k

notes: this is one of the strangest things i think ive written in a long time 😭 i have no idea how this idea came to be in the first place i kinda just wrote out what came to my mind?? i also spent so long trying to figure out which nct member to write this for and i literally just picked hc because he's my sisters favorite member (#THANKSTI) so yeah idk why this exists but it does 🤷‍♂️

on june 20th, your alarm rang two minutes early.

on june 20th, you gave your mother a kiss on the cheek before leaving for school.

on june 20th, you missed the bus and were forced to walk the whole way to school.

on june 20th, you had walked into class late for the first time since september.

on june 20th, the sky was full of dark clouds, you assumed it was going to rain later that day.

on june 20th, you skipped one of your classes for the first time ever, biology, one you always hated.

on june 20th, you noticed seven different cracks in the sidewalk.

on june 20th, the air seemed different..

on june 20th, all that you could think about was your upcoming birthday, excitement surging through your veins.

you did what you always did. kicked small rocks, hopped over fences, hummed the lyrics to your favorite song, danced to the lyrics of your favorite song in public with no shame, skipped over the cracks on the sidewalk, did cartwheels, you were having fun.

for some reason, the day of june 20th made you feel free.

nobody could stop you, not your friends, not asshole teachers, not screaming neighbors, nobody could stop you.

well, maybe the world ending could stop you.

with a smile on your face and an energetic pep in your step, you make your way through the now noisy neighborhood.

people are screaming, the sky is an unnatural color, the air feels as if it's slowly poisoning your lungs, the cracks beneath your feet have now doubled in number.

but for some reason, you feel easy?

the prospect of the world ending is a funny one, one you never thought you'd be living ever. in movies, it's branded as such a horrible thing, but you don't think you've ever felt happier.

the music blaring through your headphones distracts you, the people panicking around you seem more like blurs then actual people. they all have lives, some of them have children, some of them have grandchildren, some of them have family out of the country, some of them are going to be celebrating their last birthdays today, who knows what was going on in their lives earlier today that will now mean nothing in a good two hours.

your complex emotions surprise you, but the smile on your face doesn't falter, and you like that it doesn't.

because if you could spend the last moments of your life being happy, why would you be mad about that?

"everything alright? your not hurt are you?" you wrap your arms around your mother, resting your head on hers.

"i'm alright" you whisper, arms clinging around her.

your hair is disheveled, probably due to the absolute maddening things you'd been doing on the sidewalk.

"oh honey! donghyuck called, he was asking for you".

the name gets an eyebrow raise out of you.

donghyuck?

donghyuck as in lee donghyuck? he called? why would he call? why would he be asking for you? why would he—

oh, oh my goodness.

"what did he ask for?" you immediately separate from the hug, and your mother gives you a puzzled look. "did he ask for something from me specifically?"

"he just asked for you because he said he wanted to tell you something but you weren't here—"

holy shit.

"oh i have to go.."

your mother blinks once again, but then she realizes what your talking about, and she sighs. "honey, you still haven't told him?"

you don't even try to battle the allegations, just press a kiss to her cheek and make your way towards the door. "today's the day mom! the world is ending!"

your optimism shocks you, and you race out of the door, nothing else on your mind but him.

on june 20th, your life seemed to take a strange turn.

on june 20th, your mundane routine suddenly became extraordinary.

on june 20th, you realized it was your last chance to tell donghyuck how you feel.

the world is ending, the sky has turned orange, the sidewalk has began cracking beneath your feet, people are screaming, crying, clutching onto their family members, it's your last day, it's everyones last day, tomorrow, you'll all be nothing but empty corpses.

all of you have dreams, all of you had desires, things you'll never be able to pursue now because your demise is coming much sooner than you expected.

there's only one thing at your mind at the moment, and that's the most annoying person ever.

today is a day like no other, a day which will all be in memory by the time the week passes, your feet push you through the pain you feel, because you've never been able to get such words out.

where is he.. where is he.. where is he..

when you spot lee donghyuck, you shout, and he doesn't even have to look at you to know what it is.

you tackle him to ground, his back colliding with the soft grass in his front yard as you fall right on top of him. a smile comes to your face as you look down at him, with his pretty eyes and pretty smile.

"you're so stupid!" you yell, he just chuckles, letting you remain on top of him, because the world is ending, and this is it. "you called!?"

"you're literally stupider!" he rebuts. "you came!"

you scoff, oh this could've all been yours before if you weren't such a coward, but there is always a time for everything, even if this is the last time.

"i am so in love with you" you whisper, leaning down to press a kiss onto his lips. "you're such an idiot, a pretty idiot".

donghyuck just smiles, wrapping his arms around your neck. "you love me".

"of course i do".

"the world is ending, baby".

but for some reason you aren't crying.

you aren't sad, you aren't crying or anything, you're just living in the moment.

"i know, but i love you".

on june 20th, the world ended.

on june 20th, the sky turned orange and the ground beneath your feet cracked.

on june 20th, you told lee donghyuck you loved him.

on june 20th, you spent your final moments with the boy you loved the most.

#lee donghyuck #haechan #nct #nct 127 #nct dream #nct imagines #nct drabbles #nct scenarios #haechan imagines #haechan drabbles #haechan scenarios #lee donghyuck x reader #lee donghyuck x male reader #haechan x reader #haechan x male reader #𑁍 ࣪˖ 𓂃 isa's works!

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dansevilpianotea · 22 days

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who do you think is more Crowley coded and who is more Azira coded out of dnp?

i set myself hourly notifications ever since you send the ask and it still took me this long to answer, im so sorry 😭

to answer your question:

It might seem like obvious that dan is crowley coded and phil is azira coded because of their aesthetics and personality but stating that as that is too simple for me. lets break it down:

dan is like crowley in the obvious sense of having that edgy aesthetic and always needing to question things while phil is the one with the light aesthetic who enjoys what is happening despite the problems it has. just watch them play the game of life.

this reminds me of this quote from a book ive read for uni which really stuck with me:

so yea, dan is the social scientist who points out what most people miss and phil is the one who tells us that we shouldn't wallow in defeat of it but make our own meaning out of it. and we need both! they are like ying and yang, like crowley and aziraphale in that way.

crowley who questions heaven and thusly falls, but then doesnt stop questioning hell because he doesnt see the world in black and white, good actions and bad actions.

i think dan for a long time was not like that. i say this with the utmost respect but if you look back, his branding was usually self deprecating jokes and at least to me personally it felt like his perspective was pessimistic. he always made sure to leave a positive message but to me it felt like a wish for a better future, not a feeling of certainty that it will be better.

Phil on the other hand is very much like that:

Phil is like aziraphale and me in the sense that he gets irrationally worried about things,

but it is dan who literally did a tour about his worries of the world ending, with branding and all:

and yet:

phil and crowley both have that rational optimism, the sense that things will be okay. but aziraphale does not give up in-spite of the odds being against them. in s1 he refuses to run away to alpha centauri because he believes that they should stay and fight. that there is still hope. he does not accept that the world will end. but its crowley who sparks the idea of aziraphale raising the antichrist with him. its aziraphale who tells angel crowley of armageddon , and its why crowley gets upset and questions the almighty.

so my point is that phil has aziraphale's light aesthetic vibes and his fear of near doom but crowley's certainty that everything will be okay in the end despite it.

dan on the other hand has crowley's edgy dark aesthetic, his cynicism and sense of questioning belief systems, but also aziraphale's determinism to fight what he is sure is a losing battle/the end of the world because he wants to believe that it is possible that everything will be okay (that being the message of wad/ywgttn/big/etc...)

i want to talk a bit about 'dark/light polarity'. what we mean by that is two sides of the same coin. yin and yang:

☯️

they depend on each other, they interconnect and intertwine. be it real people or fictional characters, it is never a clear black and white binary, because what the characters have something that the other lacks and when they come together they become a whole. plato said humans once had 4 legs and feet, and then got split in half by zeus to punish us to live our lives yearning to be connected with the other half of our soul/coin, our soulmate. they carry sth of each other within them because there are shards that got broken in the middle when the being was split and were forced to choose sides.

so even tho it might seem like dan is more like crowley coded and phil is more aziraphale coded because of their light/dark aesthetic, there's many things of both in each of them and thats what makes it interesting and real to us.

#sorry if this is an unsatisfying answer but thats what you get when you send an ask to a philosopher /lg #*/lh #dan and phil #daniel howell #dnp #amazingphil #wad #good omens #aziracrow #ineffable husbands #ask

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hobisstar · 7 months

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What are you hiding from love?| Yandere!Jk x Reader IV

This will be short! But chapter V will be worth it I promise!

Summary: Being in a relationship with Jungkook you’ve always noticed the signs, the red flags if you will. Being so in love with him you ignored them, until the people you loved dearly started disappearing one by one.

Warnings: Murder, Jungkook victim blaming ( like he will say i killed you because you are too stupid or whatever), Possessiveness, Mentions of Smut, Controlling, Locking up YN.

Taglist: vante 🫶🏾

A/N: This is made to be scary! That is all. I honestly dont like mixing smut with yandere because i read yandere fics to be spooked not horny lol. This one will be simple as for the last part of the series will be more … horror ish?

Ever since the window incident, Jungkook has been feeling shitty to say the least.

He’s not enough for her and he knows that.

He hates to say it but he thinks it’s time to officially let her leave.

She was willing to brutally hurt herself to get away from him. She would rather die than love him.

Of course he’s doing this for her sake. He loves her too much to see her die or something worst than death.

While Yn was in the bathroom showering, Jungkook was packing her things. He already bought her a brand new apartment, which wasn’t too far from Jin. He knows Jin was going to keep her in safe hands and cause he’s the only person he trusted to ever be around yn.

She got out the bathroom fully clothed and froze when she saw plenty of bags and boxes packed nicely. Some empty some ready to be taped. Were they moving? She questioned.

Jungkook as if a psychic, he looked at her and smiled tiredly.

He hasn’t slept in a few days just up and thinking. “ No, we aren’t moving but you are.” He tried not to tear up he truly did but damn why did she have to taunt him with her life.

“I can’t have you…” he mumbled feeling the tears drop from his eyes. “ so… I have to let you go. I’ll feel better knowing that you aren’t with me.”

Yn was shocked yes but boy she really didn’t expect him to actually let her go.

It’s not that she wanted to stay, but she knew there had to be a catch to it. Why was he giving in so easily?

“ Jin will be coming to get you in a few hours once he gets off work…” he whipped his tears and turned to continue packing her things.

“ I’ll feel better if your with him to keep you safe.”

Yes, He wasn’t lying. He is going to let her go. But not just that easily.

He knows that If she’s alone she’ll be so lonely she would crawl back to him. She will want him back forgetting about all the things he did to those people who dared be in her presence.

“Thank you.” She blurted out which caused him to nod.

“I’m in over my head” is what Jungkook kept saying to himself while him and Jin loaded his truck with her things.

yn sat in the front seat shaking from excitement but also fear. Something just wasn’t right.

She could practically smell that something about this whole thing was just… fishy.

While in her thought process, The guys loaded the last thing up closing the trunk. Jungkook walked over to her side of the car looking at her eagerly.

yn was so deep in her on thoughts she didn’t see Jungkook standing in front of her. Didn’t even feel the vehicle start up and back out the parking lot driving away.

“She’s gone…” Jungkook said standing there lost. “ and she didn’t even say goodbye…”

He walked back into the apartment building going to the elevator and then getting off onto his floor then into his now empty apartment.

It wasn’t really empty but it felt empty. The one who kept it so warm was gone. Now it was cold.

Him and bam both looked sad honestly. Well, Bam looked like Bam. But Jungkook? Something twisted and turned in him.

Something pure demented. Evil.

He thought over and over again. He’d stop hurting others but without his reasoning to staying so clean, he had every reason to go torture someone…

“ I wonder what her sister is up to…” he mumbled staring off into space imagining how nice it would be to just hurt yns sweet but dumb sister.

He never liked her sister or any of her family. Hell her contact has the name ‘ No One’. He never cared for her.

He always imagined killing her then blaming it on that wack ass boyfriend of hers.

He smiled. The smile that he hasn’t seem to do since before he met yn.

Whatever he was about to do… it was good.

#jeon jeongkook #bts jungkook #jeon jeongguk #jungkook x yn #jungkook x reader #jungkook ff #jungkook yandere #hobisstar writes #bts #bts ff #jungkook yandere series

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thumpersdae · 23 days

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I Am once again asking for season 3 Dndads to be about adults <PLEASE>

specifically my adults here that i have already made!

WELCOME, Folks!!! to my Cyber Punk Nursing home Dndads Pitch!!!

DNDADS PRIDE

(pride is a brand of a motorized wheel chair)

[straps activate on you chair you are stuck here you must read!]

So the idea is that Grandkid's (Scary, Link, Normal, Taylor) Grandkids (shown above) are the playable characters, but there are all seniors who have been placed in a Long Term Care Facility (a better name for "nursing homes" btw). But the world has progressed enough that things are cyberpunk!

maybe all of the PCs loved one's all stop showing up on the same visit day. The PCs combine their efforts to try to find out why, and then they run into a big mystery or conspiracy through that.

themes that could be in season 3 just because we set it in a care facility and have senior Characters.

Normalizing a variety of disabilities and dreaming of how accessibility devices can advance

humanizing people over 50, [Please please please, we've done it to the middle aged, we sexualized the heck outta those dads. ive seen what people have done with Omega Daddies in certain circles (my circles) we have the Power to let retired people be more than a punchline. i want something to look forward to in my older years! let them be silly complex sexual full people PLEASE!!!]

community building!!! alot of care facilities in my area Have social and communal activities they do because their residents get together and demand/them. groups -just like the one ive drawn- get together, out of boredom and loneliness (often people who have better mobility and memory) and then make it their job to work with staff and people who have a harder time advocating for them selves. to make sure social needs and wants are being fulfilled. and now that we have (what i perceive to be) a younger audience. it would be great to show them how that sort of work is done and how it can make a big change to quality of life. [the 3rd character (who i designed for Will) seemed like the type to start one of these groups. just look at her with that big purse and cool jacket. thats a move maker folks!]

the way that older/disabled people are often overlooked, and therefore people often forget to keep secrets away from them. [the second character (i designed for Matt) i wanted him to look as unassuming as possible, for this exact reason]

Interesting Villains and Problems that aren't often shown because people font write about older folks.

an exploration on how technology can help people (and how corporations will make people have to pay for medically necessary things)

the way nurses and care staff can be very helpful and empathetic. and how others are assholes who are at best just here for a paycheck, and at worse actively hurting people for amusement.

Elderly abuse, not just actively hitting people. there are countless examples of people taking advantage of people who are disenfranchised (like an older people or people with disabilities). often we see and talk about financial abuse. [my idea of the first character (hopefully played by Freddie), was someone who seemed oblivious to a deadbeat family member using them for money maybe because of a memory issue. (potentially there could be a twist about the PC knowing the whole time, and deciding to go along because they think its funny that their kid has to sit threw a marathon of daytime television to get 50$ a week instead of just outright asking for a lump sum)]

#dndads #my art #dndads season 3 #please please please #let them be adults at least #dndads Pride #dungeons and daddies

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grailfinders · 4 months

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Grailfinders Viewers' Choice: Beast IV L

if anything's getting my icon blurred out, it's this one. anyways!

it's that time of the month once again, and this time I feel like an absolute beast. well, to be more accurate, y'all felt like getting an absolute beast. a beast (fgo definition) that summons beasts (D&D definition). I'm sure this won't be confusing at all.

as usual I highly doubt this build is even remotely balanced for actual PvE play, but beasts are supposed to be world ending threats, so that shouldn't be a surprise.

the build itself will be under the cut, because hoo boy there's a lot to go over.

first up, beast IV can show up in her standard Koyanskaya form, which is the one primarily used when outside her lair. this is effectively a suped-up version of Koyanskaya of Dark, with access to unlimited weaponry and NFF-brand grenades, all of which work like standard "weapons of <x> slaying" do in D&D- they deal extra damage to humanoids, and can knock humanoids prone.

the big addition here aside from standard high-level-boss resistances is her Add to the Collection ability, where once per day she can try to forcibly plane shift a non-humanoid creature into a demiplane of her creation, basically putting them in suspended animation. this will be important for later.

form two is effectively Koyanskaya's big shadowy fox form. I didn't make any hard and fast rules about how these forms connect to one another, but I would probably say her masked form can turn into this combat form once a day, probably for a couple minutes at a time.

the gimmick for this fight is her Seasonal Cycle, which both reduces the number of legendary actions she gets to actually attack people each round, but also gives her buffs. I tried to keep this close to her lostbelt-based buffs in her final fight, but I also changed the names to be less FGO-centric if you want to use this build in a game. there's not a ton to say about this one that isn't regurgitating the seasonal cycle, it's just Masked Form with a bigger focus on kicking humanoid ass.

The big nipply form shown in the build picture has a lot of text, but I'll do what I can to break it down. This is Beast IV's final form, and it's the one that sets up the Tunguska Sanctuary in the first place, so there's a lot going on. Once again her humanoid-slaying effect grows larger, but she can only take this form in her lair, plus her speed is cranked wayyy down at this point. I just. cannot imagine that thing moving any faster than a crawl. if you need something done fast, that's what your lackeys are for.

speaking of lackeys, let's Reveal the Collection. this is a ten-minute ritual, which upon completion can summon copies of creatures that were stored by the Masked Form. The higher the CR of the creatures being made, the less you can make at a time, and the shorter your range is. there's also a lesser version of this you can do as a legendary action, and it's restricted to one creature at a time, of up to CR 10.

but of course, you need a place to put all those creatures! that's why she's got Regional Effects too! it's a whole lot of text, but it basically boils down to making a life zone and a death zone around her lair. half of your collection will tend towards the life zone, and half towards the other. in the life zone, the area is choked by plants, slowing down all humanoids in the area, and also healing effects targeting non-humanoids are more powerful. the death zone has extreme heat, and humanoids have disadvantage on saves against it. also, all summoned creatures in this region have double their normal perception distance when it comes to perceiving humanoids.

-------------

So overall, this build isn't a world-ending threat like Tiamat, or an orbital laser like Goetia, but she's not supposed to be a full-grown beast yet, so I'd cut her some slack. plus, if your party includes non-humanoid players you can make a dozen clones of them to fight the party which sounds like a really fun time. that being said, I do pity any DM who as to keep track of her seasonal buffs in a fight.

#fgo #fate grand order #D&D 5e #DND build #DND boss build

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spurgie-cousin · 3 months

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Ive been thinking about my least favourite fundie baby names and I have my bottom 5 I would like to share.

5. Cambree - I just can’t get behind it. Reminds me of cheese.

4. Kolter - is this even a word?

3. Gunner - we get it you’re from Arkansas

2. Spurgeon - enough said

1. Newman - I think it’s made worse by the whole name and the “meaning” this is a small child who is called NEWMAN.

I will say, Spurgeon has grown on me just because of HOW weird it is.......it's so weird that I have respect for it now lol bc it really took some guts to name your brand new baby Spurgeon. Esp when nobody will get the reference and most people will think he's named after a fish or something.

Cambree and Kolter I agree, like I guess the sound of Kolter is ok but the spelling with the K is stupid and Cambree sounds like some unfinished word.

Gunnar is a Scandinavian name that I really don't mind the sound of, but yea if it's a gun reference or something they chose to sound Manly I think that's stupid. I want to say nobody would be dumb enough to choose it for those reasons but that would be really overestimating the fundies.

And yea I agree with you having Newman as #1, like I'm sorry but I laughed out LOUD when I heard that name and their reasoning behind it........there is just something so funny to me about looking at a little baby and being like "look it's a brand new MAN" and then deciding that will be his name, it is just the most Rodrigues thing I've ever heard in my life. They are just such unserious people sometimes.

#i know they were like “hes a new man of GOD” but that doesn't make it any less hilarious to me #it's like when english speakers name a boy baby Guy #that is also so fucking funny #he's just some guy

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acidsaladd · 1 month

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incoming rant abt a possible ninjago atla au u have been warned

the gist of the au and what i have in me head is that lloyd is the next air avatar but for some reason the air nomads are skeptical/afraid of baby lloyd so misako takes lloyd and skidadles far away from the temple. because of this, lloyd grows up as a regular kid with no air benders around to teach him air bending And no knowledge that hes the avatar (and therefore that he can bend the other elements)

fast forward to when hes like 9?? 10? wu finds him, surprise ur actually the avatar its training time something something big spiritual evil that might be related to garm something something then wu Leaves and so the training bit falls onto the ninja. which. none of them is an airbender mind u and lloyd Still doesnt know airbending. so they teach him the other elements and Hope that he somehow learns air by proxy

i have a very small and not rlly thought out idea for what an equivalent of the aging tea could be but this is basically it in terms of bg and going forward its just ur usual avatar and ninja shenanigans

ok. now. i have a couple ideas for why the air nomads could be wary of lloyd. one is that they know garmadon is his dad and garm has been cursed by a Particularly Evil spirit and so they think evil dad equals evil son and they dont rlly wanna deal with that so they r like we must get rid of the child he will reincarnate either way its no biggie which,,, uhh yea lets not

the other one is that the nomads have discovered that lloyd is going to be the first avatar that is a direct decendant of the first ever avatar (the fsm) and so they want to like?? harness his power or smth idk.

(the only problem with these ideas is that it kinda relies ok the air nomads having kind of violent and evil solutions to problems so i stil. dont rlly know 😭)

the point is!! one way or another, misako starts seriously fearing for lloyds life and the fact that he might not ever have a choice over it as his own so she takes the baby and Runs.

[abt the fsm, raine lowkey gave me this idea entirely so shoutout raine hello but i was thinking that theres two of them. like. u have the FSM, the first ever avatar, all plwerful godly being. and then u have the dad, the f in fsm stands for Father, this guy is just wu and garms dad. i dint have much else thought out for him just. yea]

now. if i want to talk abt the possible aging tea equivalent i need to talk abt garm. soo augh idk abt garm but i think rhe gist of it is that hes been possessed/corrupted by a spirit bc of a deal he made or for messing with a spirit when he was researching things. the point is hes known as this being that brings chaos and stuff but then wu and misako reveal to lloyd like, thats ur dad actually, and misakos being researching ways to bring him back and lloyd stumbles on this research and decides (not so smartly) that if one qants their dad back one must do it himself so. he manages to contact the original spirit that garm annoyed

so they talk and the spirits like "well i Would give him back but he kinda made me lose my time and energy on him for like,, 4/5 years so unless u figure out a way to give me rhat time back i aint giving him to u" and lloyd goes bet take does from me no biggie

so then lloyd makes this deal not rlly knowing what hes doing and he goes back to the real world and suddenly he has a brand new dad and also abt two whole heads more in height woops

(this all happens post training arc starting so lloyd already knows the ninja and has been living with them for a while)

OK NINJA TIME

so ive been Rlly debating whether i should do the Usual thing and just stick em in the element rhat they have in the show. OR (and this is the idea im leaning more towards) i go with vibes. obviously the vibes are still informed and consider their element in the show

ok first kai and nya. i want them both to be fire nation buut idk if i should make them both firebenders or make them have their usual elements. i do wanna let nya be a waterbender, However since they do live in the fire nation (most likely in a more rural town far from the mainland) nya would be a waterbender that uses mostly firebending styles and techniques. i just have always found this type of mix and match they do with aang and zuko specifically SOO COOL i love it so im gifting that to nya

cole is an earthbender obvi. i havent rlly thought much abt cole bc i immediately decided he would stay an earthbender and didnt question him further.

NOW HEAR ME OUT HERE. i kinda rlly want to make jay earth kingdom and leave him as a non bender. why??? bc the Vibes man. i want to rlly focus on his engineering and tinkery side. i think he would still be rlly involved with bending and stuff and he tries to find different uses to bending outside of fighting. maybe him and cole are childhood friends and jay is always bugging cole to try some of his projects with coles bending.

and finally zane!! hes water tribe but i struggled to settle him on either tribe. i think the northern tribe could fit him in the future but i do think he's originally from the south. i feel like the south gives him more potential to be the specific brand of Peculiar that zane was in the beginning of the sbow. and since this is situated pre war, the southern water tribe would be bigger and better off than how we see them in atla so it would be cool to explore that

so im picturing him as the weird son of the local medic and whatever else dr julien gets up to . so maybe dr julien is teaching zane stuff and he gets Rlly Rlly good so they send him to a bigger settlement with better teachers and eventually he decides to leave the south pole to continue learning and stuff.

i do have ideas abt how wu gathers them together but ive ranted way too much so i will make another post on that if i remember to

#THIS GOT SO LING #LONG #I DIDNT EVEN KNOW I HAD THIS MUCH TO SAY #i didnt plan this to be an Actual au its just an idea #but i Do want to mane designs so ??? maybe???#ninjago #blabbering #should i make a tag #i will #spinjitzu? more like avatar state #thats it. thats the tag

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perhaps-in-anotherdream · 1 year

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[CN] Victor x MC S2 CH 40 – Split Route (Eng Translation)

“I can now be only his dummy. I can nestle up in his arms without any worries. I can cry whenever I want to, laugh whenever I want to.”

“The moment our eyes interlock, I seem to be seeing a god who belongs to me.”

Do remember to read S2 CH 39 prior to this: Here!

⌚ This post contains detailed spoilers for a chapter that is yet to be released in the global server. ⌚

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[Heads-up from Anika]: Very, very, very highly recommend reading Victor’s S1 CH 37 Route and “Meeting in the Past Date” before continuing further— ༎ຶ⁠‿⁠༎ຶ

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✧ [CONTEXT BEFORE THE SPLIT ROUTES] ✧

A whole lot of things happen here LOL, so I’m not gonna go into the details. Long story short: After a whole lot of confrontation and stuffs, MC decides to change the rules of the world regardless. The little boy tells her that strange phenomenon will occur as a result of her action, but no one knows what will happen next. But until that moment, MC can still have a breather.

MC finds herself regaining her consciousness in a bus, and here she meets Shaw. After parting with Shaw, players can choose any split route to their liking, and the phenomenon will depend on the boy they choose.

In Victor’s route, the phenomenon, of course, is the meteor shower.

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✧ [CH 40-1] ✧

The endless meteor shower is akin to a magnificent performance beneath the curtain of night.

As far as the eyes can see, the stars filling the sky plunge across the vast expense, trailing their bright trajectories and branding resplendent and profound imprints on the retinas.

I gaze at the rain of stars for a long, long time, my breathing unconsciously becoming much more relaxed.

Is this what that little boy meant when he said a phenomenon would occur after the rules of the world are broken?

The rocking coach suddenly comes to a halt. The doors at the front and back open slowly, akin to some kind of miraculous guidance.

I ponder for only a moment before standing up and getting off the bus.

The moment my feet land steadily on the ground, a bright white light suddenly envelops me, causing me to have no other choice but squint my eyes.

–

By the time I return to my senses, everything in front of me has already changed its appearance.

The neon lights of the entire city twinkle beneath my feet, and the evening breeze carries the faint clamor of traffic in the distance.

Amid the city ablaze with gentle lights, everything is peaceful as if it were any other ordinary night.

It seems as though if I turn my head back now, I will be able to see that figure standing in front of the railings.

MC: …

I subconsciously hold my breath, unable to understand why I am here.

A vague conjecture sprouts in my heart. But it’s something that’s been engraved in my mind for too long and been standing still for far too long…

It’s been so long that, after just one moment of it springing to life, I involuntarily dismiss the thought.

At this moment, I inadvertently catch a glimpse of the clock tower in the distance out of the corner of my eye, and I suddenly find myself frozen in place.

The minute hand on the dial shifts its position between the III and IV. And even as I’m standing dumbfounded in place for a moment, it moves down another tiny scale.

MC: ! Time…

I suddenly think of something, and my heartbeat immediately accelerates a little. I stare unblinkingly at the clock tower, clenching my palms.

Time suddenly seems to slow to a crawl, so slow that I feel as if my eyes are about to sweat. Finally, the minute hand moves another minute line.

…time truly has resumed its flow.

But for me, it’s not just time that seems to be flowing.

I can hear even the very soft sound of leaves being rustled by the breeze. I can also hear the clear sound of the vehicle tires pressing against the manhole cover.

I see the lights of many apartment buildings turning bright one after another, and the little “signal man” in front of the sidewalk turning green, causing everyone to strive to run forward.

At long last, I hear the massive stone that has been piling up inside my heart for a long, long time, finally falling to the ground with a heavy thud.

I’ve finally arrived in the future after 19:17.

Clearly, the dial has only advanced two marked scales, but I feel like I’ve been treading for so, so long.

The prolonged 48 hours that never came to an end, the 17 years of “moving forward” again, and those distant pasts that I’ve never forgotten – everything comes to life before my eyes in this instant.

For some reason, I suddenly think of the first time Victor brought me here.

Thereupon, I blink my stinging eyes and walk over to the railings, trying to get a better view of this brightly lit city.

Unbeknownst to me, in the few seconds that I’ve had my head down, an extraordinarily bright meteor has streaked across the horizon.

It appears that something has come to fruition.

–

Perhaps because of the extraordinary grandeur of the meteor shower, there are many more pedestrians on the streets than usual. They are either snuggling up to each other and looking up at the sky, or stopping in their tracks and taking pictures to remember the occasion.

I’m the only person who keeps weaving through the restless crowds, accelerating my pace in the direction of the BS Headquarters.

Although I don’t know what is to come next, but according to the little boy, I still have time to gasp for breaths before the vision is over.

And the one and only thing I must do right now is to find Victor.

All I want is to see him a little sooner. I want to make sure with my own eyes that he is safe and sound. I want to stand in front of him and tell him that I did it.

I want to tell him that I’ve changed the rules of that damned world, that I didn’t fail to live up to his trust, and that I’ve returned to him.

With these thoughts in mind, I simply break into a run.

I keep running incessantly through several streets within a few moments. Suddenly, a light appears at the end of the wide road, illuminating the path ahead of me.

The sharp sound of tires scraping against the road drifts to me, and a car speeds past me swiftly, surging up a vast wave of air current.

Immediately afterward, the ear-splitting sound of the emergency brake rings out behind me.

I subconsciously stop in my tracks and turn back.

The whole car body is thrown back 180 degrees because of the sudden brake, and the headlights are a little dazzling to the eyes, making it hard for me to see clearly.

In the fuzzy halo, I hear the door being jerked open with a heavy sound. It seems that someone is coming toward me in large strides, and they don’t even have the time to close the door.

The sound of hurried leather shoes reverberates down the road and lands on my heart at the same time.

I subconsciously call out in a soft voice––

MC: Victor!

The person approaching doesn’t respond and, instead, quickens his pace through the opaque night, walking towards me against the backdrop of light.

I instinctively run towards him, until the face blurred by the light comes clearly into my horizon.

The fringes in front of his forehead are a little disheveled, his temples are beaded with a thin layer of sweat, and the sleeves of his shirt, which have always been well-fitted, are crumpled in the crook of his arms.

Even when he sees me running, he doesn’t stop and even takes larger strides toward me.

Victor: [emotional panting for LITERALLY 10 secs] …

Victor softly gasps for breaths, not even blinking as he gazes at me, and he seems to be suppressing some complicated emotions in his chest.

A touch of incredulity crosses over his forever-composed face, and it appears to be mixed with a bit of daze that I’ve never seen before.

But in the end, it all cumulates into a soft sigh.

MC: Victor, I did it. I…

My words are interrupted by a bolt from the blue hug.

But he doesn’t speak and only tightens his arms around me in silence. It seems that he walked too fast just now, and his breathing is still a little heavy.

Victor: [voice literally shaking like a volcano about to erupt x1] I know.

Victor: [x2] You’ve done very well.

Victor: [x3] You’ve been doing very well since a really long time ago.

After what seems like ages, Victor speaks softly. There is an almost imperceptible tremor in his voice.

MC: [perplexed] Victor…?

Victor: [x4] We still have a long time ahead of us, so let’s not talk about the comet yet.

Victor: [x5] Right now, I just want to hold you like this.

—

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✧ [CH 40-3] ✧

I feel as if the entire world is infused with Victor’s scent.

The reassuring temperature wraps around me, and the large hand caressing the back of my head seems to tremble slightly. But the strength with which he is holding me is irresistible, so much so that I even find it difficult to breathe for a split second.

But I don’t say anything.

Even if I don’t know what happened, at this moment, all I want to do is hold him quietly. Therefore, I bury my head even lower, feeling the same rise and fall of our chests.

Only the silent reflections of the meteors travel across the secluded road. We stand there like this for a long time, quietly in each other’s arms.

After a while, the breathing in my ears seems to calm down a little. I speak in a muffled voice in his arms.

MC: Victor, are you all right?

MC: Did pausing the time earlier have an impact on you?

He remains silent for a long time before he lifts his head. His deep eyes land on me, and there seem to be a myriad of emotions raging within them. But in the end, he only speaks in a light tone.

Victor: ...that was nothing.

MC: Really? Then why were you silent for so long just now?

MC: Could it be that CEO Victor admires me so much for saving the world to the point of being rendered speechless?

I tease as I pretend to be relaxed, but Victor continues to look at me with heavy eyes.

Then bending his fingers, he gently caresses my eyes with his finger pads, then treads down, stroking my nose and mouth.

The motion of his action is incredibly slow. It’s as though he is tracing over the details carefully, as if he is confirming something.

Finally, he laughs softly.

MC: [perplexed] ...Victor?

Victor: [sounding as if the weight of the world has been lifted off his shoulders] Dummy.

I don’t know why but he says this familiar word in a manner of enunciating something extremely precious. His hoarse voice clearly depicts how exhausted he is, but it also contains a certain unspeakable joy.

Victor: Where’s my coffee?

I’m slightly stunned and subconsciously ask a follow-up question.

MC: What coffee?

Victor: Have you forgotten?

Victor: You said you’d bring me a cup of coffee when you come back.

The meteors streak dazzling trails across the night sky, and it’s as if the entire world has descended into his eyes.

I stare at him blankly, my brain suddenly forgetting how to organize words, and I even forget how to breathe.

MC: What did... you just say?

My hand unconsciously tightens its grip on the front of his suit’s lapel as I carefully distinguish the expression in that pair of eyes, fearing that this is an illusion in my trance.

The next second, I hear Victor saying it word by word.

Victor: Where’s that coffee you promised you’d bring for me?

He simply repeats what he said just now, not explaining anything. But the light in that pair of bottomless deep eyes has already told me the answer.

It’s reminiscent of a drop of dew gently dripping onto a placid lake surface, but it stirs up thousands of gigantic surging waves in my heart.

The ensuing surge of memories floods me so that it overwhelms me in an instant.

My eyes suddenly become a little watery as all those scenes beneath the eternal night appear vividly in my mind.

In that boundless night, I had held his hand and obtained the courage and strength to go on. Back then, he gazed at me the same way he is now, telling me not to be afraid and that he believed in me.

I embraced this confidence and fought at every step I took to move forward. I had fallen into countless despairs, so much so that I even thought I might never be able to fulfill this promise, that I would never be able to bring back the him from the past.

But now, at last, I have lived up to my promise.

The world in front of me is a little blurry. I restrain the urge to break into a sob and call out his name with great effort.

MC: Victor... you’ve remembered everything, haven’t you?

MC: I- I’m not dreaming, right?

Victor: No.

His voice is so low that it sounds like a mere sigh, yet it’s extraordinarily firm.

In my fuzzy vision, I see Victor brushing away the moisture from the corners of my eyes with his index finger, bringing with it a gentleness and caution that carries an incomparable longing and unwillingness to let go.

He takes my hand and caresses it up to his face, then slowly moves it downward, stopping at the position of his heart.

Victor: What you see before you is the true Victor.

Victor: Regardless of whether it’s the past, the present, or the future. This is the one and the only thing that will not change.

Victor: Do you still need to confirm it again?

He says it with such frankness that I’m suddenly reminded of that déjà vu scene from a very long time ago, and I can’t help but tighten my grip on his fingers.

The temperature of my palm is hot, my heart is hot, and even my eyes are burning. I’m clearly overwhelmed with a joy that’s beyond description, but I still choke up when I open my mouth.

MC: I need to confirm it. How can confirming just once be enough? I’m going to confirm it many, many times, until you call me “dummy.”

Victor: It was only a few minutes ago when you asked me to pause the time in a bossy manner, and you’ve made so much progress over the years.

Victor: How come you still love to cry like this in this regard?

MC: I’m holding back!

Victor: Mm, I can see that.

He looks at me with his appearance of remaining calm in the hour of peril, the tip of his brows finally slackening. I look into that pair of eyes tinged with soft colors and can’t bear to look away.

With just one glance, all the pain and dust of the entire journey along the way have been soothed.

I have so many questions I want to ask him, so many things I want to say to him. But my brain is indescribably chaotic, and instead, I think of that promise I had made.

Now it’s just one cup of coffee away from being complete.

MC: Victor, I- I’ll go get the coffee right now!

MC: ...you wait here! Wait for me right here!

—

I draw a step back as I speak. In spite of Victor’s obstruction, I turn my head back and run in the direction I came from, praying in my heart that I can buy a cup of coffee soon.

But the streets beneath the wondrous meteor show are incomparably cold, and all the shops have pulled their roller shutters down.

I have scoured all the streets in the neighborhood, but I’m unable to find a single coffee shop that is open.

I gasp for breath as I stand at the intersection, my ears flooding with the buzz from the rapid rush of blood through me. I feel a touch of cold and exhaustion as a belated realization.

The familiar sound of footsteps suddenly resounds behind me. I turn around and see Victor’s figure.

Even though I’ve run so far in such a disoriented manner, he’s been right behind me from beginning to end, never being far away from me.

Looking at his slightly messy hair and gentle eyes, a stream of hot air irresistibly rushes up to my chest. My voice already takes on a sobbing tone before I even open my mouth.

MC: I can’t find a coffee shop... Victor, what should I do... I can’t seem to fulfill my promise to you...

At this moment, all my grievances and exhaustion seem to break down the barrier.

It’s not because I’m unable to buy coffee, nor is it because I want to complain to him about how arduous it has been to make it through this journey alone.

Rather, because it’s at this moment that I suddenly become truly aware that all my embarrassments, wretchedness, and vulnerabilities have found their way back home.

I can now be only his dummy. I can nestle up in his arms without any worries. I can cry whenever I want to, and laugh whenever I want to.

The next second, a pair of hands land on my shoulders, wrapping me up in that warm embrace with an irresistible force.

His scent veils my entire world, and the sound of his voice in my ears is steady and reassuring.

Victor: [THAT VOICE] ...dummy. I don’t need coffee.

Victor: [x2] You brought back the old me. That’s enough.

Akin to a ship that has been away from the port for a long time finally returning to its familiar harbor, I can finally relax and no longer need to be anxious and frightened about the wind and rain outside.

I hug Victor back with every bit of strength I have, and the tears that I’ve been holding back for so long finally gush out in sobs.

–

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✧ [CH 40-4] ✧

[Anika’s Notes]: I’m not even gonna try noting the voice acting for this part cause it’s WAY TOO MUCH ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ

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I don’t know how long I’ve been crying. Amid the blur of my tearful eyes, I only see Victor parking the car and leading me back home.

The French windows reflect my weeping face, which is in complete shambles. Victor carefully wipes away my tears with a hot towel and sits down on the sofa with me in his arms.

Outside the window, the night’s splendor trails off in long imprints, reminiscent of static yet blooming fireworks.

Noticing that I’m still sobbing spasmodically in secret, Victor speaks in a tone that harbors his faint helplessness and indulgence.

Victor: You’ve been crying the whole time. Don’t you feel uncomfortable?

I hurriedly shake my head. But then giving it a thought, I nod again.

Perhaps it’s because all my grievances and exhaustion have finally found an outlet to confide in. I wipe the rims of my eyes and rest my head against his warm neck.

There is no world waiting to be saved, nor is there any human race or the heavy burdens of fate.

After so long of a separation, there is only Victor and me in this tiny space, peacefully snuggling together after all kinds of unendurable and burdensome pasts.

MC: It’s actually more about the joy, so much more joy than I could ever count. And… a teeny-tiny bit of pride.

Victor: In the past, when the first draft of her proposal got approved, a certain someone’s tail would stick up high into the air.

Victor: How come you’re actually being so humble now?

MC: It illustrates that after going through so much, I’ve indeed grown up under CEO Victor’s tireless teaching.

Victor: [adorably imitates MC’s tone] That allows you to have great, great pride this time around.

Victor imitates my tone and rests his chin on the top of my head, stroking my back again and again with his big hand.

Victor: You’ve done very well.

He seems to pause, his tone faintly taking on a hint of applause.

Victor: …really, very well.

Victor: I’m so proud that you’ve been able to arrive here on your own.

Victor: You’ve always been beyond my expectation, constantly climbing to an even higher place.

I shake my head, looking up into his eyes.

MC: I didn’t arrive here on my own… have you forgotten, Victor? It was you. You are the one who helped me so, so much.

MC: Even though you didn’t have any memories of the past, and even though you were vaguely aware that I was keeping some things to myself, you still chose to trust me.

MC: It’s because you still stood by my side, being my strength and my motivation, that I have been able to get here.

I press my palms against Victor’s cheeks as I speak. The familiar warmth in the palm of my hands never seems to have changed.

MC: Perhaps we truly are connected by the red thread of fate.

Victor: MC.

Suddenly, he calls out my name in a soft voice.

Victor: Are you tired?

MC: [confused] Hm? A little bit…

Victor: Tell me honestly.

Lifting my head, I gaze at him and suddenly understand what he means. Thereupon, I nod involuntarily.

MC: In fact, there have been many times when I was already mentally drained out from the setbacks and dangers…

MC: But I still had to grit my teeth and continue forging toward that uncertain future.

MC: Although the restarted world was not too different from the trajectory in the past, there are still many things that had to be confronted with new possibilities.

MC: Occasionally, the thought of giving up would pop into my head… but I knew there was still someone waiting for me in the depths of my memory.

MC: The mere thought of that gave me hundreds and millions of reasons to continue persevering.

The taut heart in my chest also seems to be filling up little by little. Victor stares at me, his gaze fully focused and tender.

MC: Victor, you know something?

I lift my hand as I speak, tracing his outlines little by little.

MC: At first, I felt that time was passing so slowly. It seemed as if my time had stopped forever in that eternal night, and my sky would never light up.

MC: Because of an existential warning, I couldn’t dare to make any changes and had no choice but to be pushed forward by the world, accepting the endless wait.

MC: Until, I met you ahead of time. It was only then did my time started moving again.

Victor sighs softly in a seemingly helpless manner.

Victor: Then why did a certain someone still look so hesitant at that time? What was she hesitating for?

In a split second, my skips half a beat, and I almost instinctively recall the strange message that had charged into my mind.

MC: So that voice I heard back then…

Victor: Even if we are certain that we will meet, you are not the only one who wants to meet sooner.

Victor: So, I used some methods and left those messages for you in the “future.”

For a moment, the puzzles that have been lingering in my heart seem to have been answered. There are still some things that I’m unable to figure out, so I blink and stare at him.

MC: So that message… how did you do it?

Victor: After you left on the eternal night, I went to the future.

Victor: Because I couldn’t help worrying about you.

He says it as a matter of course, as if it were some everyday mundane thing. But I know better than anyone else about the loneliness and hardships of constantly walking through the timelines.

MC: And then?

Victor: Then I saw the dummy who keeps making me worry.

MC: That “future” me you saw, isn’t that the me of right now? How could I make you worry...

Victor: It’s precisely because of that I can’t help being worried.

He says it in an unintelligible manner, but I seem to understand everything.

Victor: Sometimes, I wish for you to be more mature, to be calm while handling matters, and to have enough courage and experiences to encounter difficulties.

Victor: But when the day does come...

Victor reaches out and runs his fingers through my hair.

Victor: I’d rather that you can be a happy dummy, clamoring and chattering next to me every day.

The fire of the fireplace illuminates the light flowing in Victor’s eyes. He inclines his head and kisses my hand, his warm breaths brushing over my fingertips and traveling to the bottom of my heart.

I gaze at him quietly. I want to look at him more, want to hear him talk more. I even selfishly wish that time could stop here forever at this moment.

Victor: I told you before, we are meant to walk in the same direction.

Victor: Even if the world starts all over again ten thousand times.

Victor: I will also have fate always bring us together.

He speaks lightly but with certainty, as if it’s not a promise he is making to appease me, but stating a rock-solid and absolute fact.

The meteor shower outside the window illuminates half the shadows of the living room, reflecting the familiar fond nostalgias therein. I caress his slender eyebrows and can’t help opening my mouth.

MC: Victor, I’m so grateful.

MC: Even if your memories hadn’t come back, we could still have a warm and very long future.

MC: But after picking up the pieces of the past, it gives the feeling that we have never been absent from each other’s lives.

MC: It’s the joy of... “completeness.”

Victor chuckles softly, speaking thoughtfully.

Victor: Probably, this is another significance of the worlds overlapping.

Victor: Although the intrinsic quality of the overlap is destruction, at the same time, those things that belong to the past will also return.

He pauses for a moment. When he speaks again, a touch of solemnity is added to his tone.

Victor: But your efforts are the most integral part of all this.

In the soft yellow light of the fire, we look at each other quietly. I don’t know when but the crackling sound of the fire has been rendered silent at some point.

Thinking that the fire has gone out, I subconsciously tilt my head to have a look. But out of the corner of my eye, I see that the meteor outside the window has stopped in its downward trajectory, freezing behind Victor.

MC: ...?

Stunned for a moment, I subconsciously cast my gaze toward the clock on the wall. The pendulum is stagnated in mid-air, not moving downward, and the time has quietly stopped at 20:21.

Only now do I realize in hindsight that time seems to have stopped, and I look at Victor with a bit of bewilderment.

MC: Have you paused time?

Victor doesn’t answer.

Amid the great depth of stillness, he sighs softly, wraps his arms around me from behind, and slowly lies down.

And then, closing his eyes gently, he devoutly lifts my hand and plants a deeply loving kiss on my fingertips.

Victor: That day... I remember asking you––

Victor: “If I made time stop forever in this moment, would you think I’m selfish?”

I gaze at him in a daze. I seem to be seeing the Victor of that moment again, his trance-like and silent gaze.

Victor: If I had known earlier that it’d take me so long to remember everything...

Victor: I would have made the time that night pass a little slower.

He releases a soft laugh, sounding a little self-deprecating. Then, he lifts his gaze and looks at me intently.

Victor: If the return of memories is simply a flash in the pan...

Victor: Then would you think I’m selfish if I make time pause forever in this moment?

MC: Absolutely not.

I shake my head without the slightest hesitation. Following this, I inch closer to him and plant a soft kiss on his lower jaw.

MC: Victor, are you also scared?

Just like me, do you also fear that all of this is merely a fleeting dream?

This present moment of being together is a moment I’ve awaited expectantly for countless hours in my heart. It’s akin to a dream that I’ve painted millions of times in my mind. It’s so beautiful that it terrifies me to my soul.

Even if you are comforting me calmly, perhaps you’re even comforting yourself like this too?

But hidden in your subconsciousness, do you also fear that this is merely a momentary reward for the traveler on a long and difficult journey?

That the moment the countdown ends, everything will return to the ice-cold reality again?

I hold my breath, trying hard to control my somewhat raging emotions. But even after a long while, I don’t hear an answer.

Victor doesn’t give me a reassuring answer as usual. Instead, he lowers his eyes and approaches me slowly.

Victor: Mm, scared.

Victor: But it’s not the fear that I might forget you.

Victor: I’m scared that you will have to face everything all on your own.

The gaze of the person in front of me is imbued with infinite warm tenderness, soothing the softest of scars in my heart without any difficulty.

I can’t control my tears from falling again, but I still try hard to squeeze out a smile for him.

MC: I’m not scared.

MC: As long as you are by my side, I will forever have the strength to move forward.

The corners of Victor’s lip curl up into an arc. A moment later, he leans in and gently kisses me on the lips.

As our warm breaths entwine, I gently close my eyes and tilt my head sideways to accept this lingering and deep kiss.

From the inseparably loving breaths of this moment to the endless rest of our lives ahead, I long to be integrated as one with this man so that we never have to face separation again.

I have wished countless times that the time could slow down, and even stop in that very moment.

But at this moment, right now, I couldn’t be happier that our time is moving forward.

And our story, too, will never stop here.

Our torrid breathing gradually recedes. I lightly gasp for breath, opening my eyes.

Behind him, the meteor once again streaks across the horizon, turning into the most moving chapter beneath the curtain of night.

The moment our eyes interlock, I seem to be seeing a god who belongs to me.

Victor: MC, I’m back.

—

•─────⋅◍♡◍⋅─────•

[Anika’s ramblings, it’s pretty scattered LOL~ you can feel free to ignore]

—

#*DROPS MIC* THE VERY PICTURE OF DEVOTION 🤲🙏🛐 THE WAY IT’S SO TRANSPARENT JUST HOW MUCH THEY LOVE EACH OTHER---#I do wanna point out again how Victor x MC have SO MANY kisses here--#the reverent kisses - the way MC goes for that kiss - ofc the deep one-- THIS ALONE SPEAKS FOR THEIR YEARNING-- THE GODDAMN WRITING--#YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW BADLY I’VE CRIED OVER THIS. the sense of belonging the feeling of returning home is SO GODDAMN STRONG with these two #for the millionth time – BLESS VICTOR’S WRITERS ಥ⁠_⁠ಥ #mlqc victor #mlqc li zeyan #mlqc #mr love victor #mr love queen's choice #恋与制作人 #李泽言 #love and producer #mlqc cn #mlqc spoilers #mlqc translations

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donnerpartyofone · 4 months

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anon here who feels a great kindred spirit with you, maybe one day i'll have the guts to message not anonymously but frankly i really admire you and also struggle with the mortification of putting myself out there directly it may be one day but not today. ANYways. just saw your post re: the knee-jerk reaction of ppl to say something like "no! everyone is special (or beautiful/smart/talented/etc.) in their own way!" when you or i tries to acknowledge something that is real to us and that affects our day to day life. ive touched on stupidity before bcuz that is something that you've articulated better than i ever could but you were talking in that post a little more specifically abt physical beauty and i do think theres something to be said there for usamerican individualism. bcuz ive heard a lot that other countries/cultures find our particular brand of individualism to be weird to say the least. and i have, for most of my life (and this is true now), had a body that has been perceived as very desirable (eg. skinny, but still have tits and an ass, proportionally "good", etc.) but my face i have always known does not live up to beauty standards. bcuz of this, ppl closer have had a hard time understanding why i struggle so much with self esteem related to my looks and have often jumped to "but youre so pretty!" when i try to talk abt it. the outside of this is that i look like a child in the face and am often mistaken for a child even at 28. when i was an actual child, read: 18 and under, i received a LOT of attention from men, often men who were old enough to be my father. now that i am not a child that attention has waned, even though i've put on a little weight and my body is frankly more rocking than ever. BUT my face stays unchanged and i think i have so of an uncanny valley effect on ppl now. im bringing all this up bcuz this is another piece of kinship i feel with you: even before i started really paying attention to your posts discussing things, i really admired your selfies bcuz you and i actually look pretty similar, we have the same texture of hair and a similar face. but i have always felt that, from your pictures, you seem much more "in control" of your look than i do. i love your sense of style and i love how you do your brows so dark and dramatic but also seem to wear (as far as i can tell; im not much for makeup so correct me if im wrong) relatively little makeup otherwise. regardless of how you look, you project an image (as always, i know i can only know you parasocially so take this as much or as little as you want to) of someone who knows how they look and how they want to present themselves. i personally keep my head buzzed most of the time, and when i first started doing it, i did it bcuz it meant that no one had any excuse anymore. they had to look at my face and acknowledge my whole bare face with no distractions. it was a way of directing how i was perceived. now i dont know if thats what your brows are to you but ive always thought "wow, the dramatic brow is such a masterful use of makeup and direction". ive always seen the way you present yourself as seeming thoughtfully and well curated, and ive hoped for myself that i could someday present that way. as you can tell, i really admire you lol. hope im not being weird. im not really sure what my point is here but once again you articulated something well that i only have ruminated on abstractly.

i've also been thinking of you bcuz recently i ran up against the old "im too stupid to do this normal thing and now it may badly affect my life" situation: tried to put my tabs on my car and bcuz they were taped to the paper, they just broke into pieces on the tape when i tried to peel them away. so i just panicked and badly pieced them onto my license plate in a way im sure will seem infinitely more suspicious should a cop notice and decide to pull me over. my husband tells me tabs are supposed to do this as an anti theft measure, this is information i somehow missed in my 28 years of life and 12 years of being a legal driver. and if i get pulled over im not honestly sure i know where all my necessary paperwork is and will undoubtedly start shaking from anxiety which also looks suspicious when i try to hand a cop my id and my hand is shaking like a leaf. and i havent been pulled over yet but now every time i drive my car im going to be thinking abt it. god willing the distraction of fear of the unknown wont lead me to crashing my car but thatd be just the thing id do too. just wanted to share bcuz i think youre probably the only person who understands how it feels and bcuz hey, i want you to know youre not the only one out there muddling through life as a series of actions and unforeseen consequences, no matter how foreseen those consequences "shouldve been".

sorry for this long and rambling message. i have no two-ipas excuse this time as its morning here and im stone cold sober (the ipas were the voodoo juice ranger by the way) but you just make me think a lot, and again, i admire you very much. thanks as always and i hope that today is, if not easier on you, at least tolerable in terms of its challenges.

Dearest field correspondent, I wish I had a more thoughtful, interesting response to your kind message, but unfortunately you may receive instead le big rant. I am very low self-control lately and you're all going to have to pay for it! I'm thinking about my 85 year old father-in-law who is still razor sharp and full of energy, and so he is vividly aware of the nearness of death and very anxious about it. At his birthday dinner he started preaching to my husband and me about how you just have to live every minute you've been given to its fullest, and I often think about how he's right and he's wrong at the same time. Like it's patently correct that you should treasure whatever life you're allowed, but I think it would take a mental giant to really do that unless you're just basically a terrific person with few problems. If your personal chemistry makes you feel bad all the time due to circumstances or past trauma or plain old bad wiring, it's really hard to just consciously choose to feel good and be filled with gratitude and slurp all the delicious marrow out of your day. And what if your days don't have that much marrow to begin with? Of course if the Christmas ghosts came and snatched you up and confronted you with the preciousness of the life you are squandering, that you can still redeem if you try, that would change your tune, but it's hard to get that same kind of life-changing effect by just intellectually acknowledging the value of yourself and your time on earth.

(I'm gonna put a break here so I don't eat up everybody's dash, brb)

I was thinking about this, in a way, because somebody just asked me for a head shot for this project I'm on, so I was going through selfies to see if I had anything appropriate, and man was that depressing. Of course Tumblr was serving a jumble of new and old pictures, but some of them looked really good, even recent ones. And I know I wasn't enjoying myself at the time that I took them, any of them. I was just struggling to feel good about myself out of some perverse sense of obligation. I've always had the urge to express something with my appearance, to build up some kind of power and efficacy around what I could do with it, but I never felt anything like that happening. I mean for every selfie that was good enough to post, there are at least 100 I had to throw out that were ugly and embarrassing and more like "the real me". And I know just from living my life that I'm not attractive, my entire social experience does not reflect that of an attractive woman; even among the guys I dated, it's hard to weigh the two who actually liked me against the majority who were just indiscriminately looking for some pathetic specimen to torture and humiliate in order to feel good about themselves.

(And I guess this is TMI but who really cares, I'm sure no one is even reading this, but the irony is that I'm really great in bed. It's a fact. I just love sex and I'm not at all embarrassed about it and I have a knack for getting people comfortable really letting loose and getting to do what they truly want. I know this for sure not only from being in the room, but from detailed postscript testimonials from partners--even the ones who secretly hated me. And naturally that makes me feel pretty good, but it feels incomplete somehow, without the sense of control of my own appearance, without a satisfying relationship to my own body which disgusts me and is constantly causing me unmanageable problems both aesthetic and medical. Like I really want to just crumple it up and throw it in the trash, who fucking cares)

But I see some of those (highly staged, illusory, pain-in-the-ass to shoot) selfies and for a second I'm forced to wonder why that person had to feel so bad about and not have any fun at all, every single day. And now it's extra hard because as I might have said, I've had rosacea for around 15 years, and most of the time it was just a fairly manageable if embarrassing redness, but ever since I took the asthma medication Symbicort for a month this summer, the condition has been progressively deforming. I don't even look the same as I did this fall, and I have no reason to believe things will get better or even level out. Like, this is it. I feel like I don't even have the same skull shape as the girl in these cute pictures from September. I'm stressing myself out wondering about all kinds of procedures I can barely pay for, that could potentially make it worse actually. I'm wondering if I need to quit my public-facing volunteer gig, one of the only things that gives my life meaning, because I'm sick of how red and bloated and wet I look in every single livestream, and I don't like it when I'm occasionally accused of being drunk or I'm randomly told to "calm down" because I looked like I'm panicking even when I'm not. I don't know what to do. I wish I didn't care. But it's tough to look back at old pictures, even just from six months ago, and think Damn I didn't know how much worse things were about to get, I should have live-laugh-loved through every grueling moment of my luxurious mediocrity while I still had it to enjoy!

--On that note there's a certain curse of women who are like, not ugly enough for it to feel like a hopeless case, but who also don't actually have much potential to do anything satisfying with themselves. If you absolutely know that beauty isn't an open road for you, you can choose not to waste energy on that and you can focus on any number of other things that can make your life happy and meaningful; but if you have that nagging suspicion that maybe you COULD be finding exciting ways to express yourself through your looks, then you're dogged by this feeling of dissatisfaction and constantly wondering if it would be better if you just threw in the towel and called yourself ugly so you could stop thinking about it, or if that would be wasteful because maybe something nice would happen if you just made more of an effort, maybe there's still time, maybe you need the right haircut, maybe you need to shake up your wardrobe, maybe you need to learn that advanced hygiene routine that you always found too confusing to master, maybe you just need to get in shape, maybe et al ad nauseum. It would be better not to have to wonder about it all. And of course there's social pressure to maintain ambiguity, especially for women: You're supposed to work really hard to be hot, but you're supposed to act like it's all effortless and also like you have no idea how attractive you are. But you can't be unrealistically humble or people will hate you for that, too--they'll hate you for being dishonest, or they'll give you shit about your apparent self-esteem issues, because somehow that is always everybody's business. You can't win!

You're right that I don't wear much makeup, I really never learned; I never had a mom who was interested in me or the kinds of female friends who help you learn all the pageantry. I wore some makeup for a little while at the end of my 20s because I had to go to my fancy brother's wedding and I was embarrassed about looking raw and dowdy forever in his fancy wedding photos, so I forced myself to learn a few things. But basically I don't want to be bothered, and I enjoy the Joan Crawford brow I do, but that's utilitarian also--if I'm not paying attention I'll rip all the eyebrow hairs out of my face, which is extra embarrassing if it happens in the middle of a work day or something. So now the pencil is essential! And since my face started turning red I usually use some primer and foundation that I really like, although there is very little that keeps my head from looking like a big swollen clown nose, from now on. (All of my minimal supplies are from Make Up For Ever btw, expensive but long-lasting and reliable)

Unrelated but I'm really pissed off that I can't drink anymore, because now it brings on this violent painful flushing, and every time that happens it causes progressive destruction and like, basically every day is worse than the last--which is true anyway about aging, but it's escalated for me. But like, I have severe depression and anxiety and I can't be on any mood medications because they make my tinnitus intolerable, so the only thing I could reliably do for myself was have a little alcohol. Like just half a can of beer would get me through so many tough chores and bouts of mindless fear. And I love wine, I love amari, I love whiskeys, I love esoteric cocktail nonsense, I have a ton of friends from the craft beer world, and now basically there are entire art forms that I can't enjoy anymore, like ever again. And you can bet this is going to affect my relationships. I know people will want to say that's bullshit, quitting drinking is practically always a good thing and your "real friends" will stick with you sober...but that's all pretty hyperbolic. I don't want my life to be winnowed down to only the purest stuff. I don't want this cornerstone of my social and cultural life to be ripped out from under me. I never even developed any bad behaviors to deserve this! And god knows I don't want to have absolutely zero options for calming my nerves. Therapy and yoga and meditation have done nothing for me psychiatrically. I'm just fucked, really, in the dreariest most mundane way possible.

I wouldn't be so hung up on getting drunk and looking pretty if I had some other source of meaning, but it's hard to find that essential driving force when you can't even get through the day's chores like a normal person. I'm on like day 5 of trying to fold my clothes or even just shove them into bags, and I live in terror of the avalanche that is going to happen when one of us needs to get out the bed sheets that I "put away" dangerously in the closet, despite multiple attempts to do it right. I don't drive so you're ahead of me on some level! But I'm 100% positive I wouldn't have understood all that stuff about the tabs, haha. This week I'm seeing my GP and I'm going to ask for a psych referral for evaluations for autism and ADHD. I'm scared that I'm opening myself up to being officially diagnosed as just lazy and negative and then everyone will get to tell me I Told You So about how my only issue is my poor attitude, but I'm sure there's something going on with me, and if it's ADD and god forbid I can get a little medication of some kind that allows me to like wash dishes and do laundry like a normal person without making everything exponentially worse...then, you know, that would be a really big deal. It seems to me that a lot of people are depressed because of some unfulfilled dream they had of being really sexy and cool and talented, or some other superlative--and we usamericans do experience a lot of irrational cultural pressure to be Awesome at something, I'm not looking down on people who suffer from this--but all I want is to like, get on the bus successfully. To not humiliate myself every single time I go to ship a package because I just can't figure out what's going on, yet again. To not be having constant wardrobe malfunctions. To vacuum my house without just mysteriously pushing dirt and hair around into different configurations. To cook a nice simple meal I don't destroy. To have a job again. These are my most treasured fantasies. Maybe if we both put pressure on "the Universe" to "manifest" our dreams this year, then we can have a great 2024!

#sorry lol

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