#a lot of this is taken from my kid at work with asthma

[be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie]

For your modern avatar au What if spider has some sort of respiratory diseases, or other chronic inflammatory lung or obstructive lung diseases. Because he has to were a oxygen mask in the movie.

Alright here is my answer finally @peachycrime

Okay, unfortunately my first thought was the fucking 2001 comedy/romance Bubble Boy, so that's cool.

Luckily for you I've been in the reddie fandom hardcore since 2016 so WE KNOW ABOUT ASTHMATIC HEADCANONS IN THIS HOUSE.

I think I'd pick like severe asthma because it just jives for me, but if you wanna go crazy we could really have a fucking Fault in our Stars/Five Feet Apart moment here. Really lean into locorro or spiri here.

-Spider lived with Norm for years because he was the foster parent they had with the most medical experience, but eventually he just was LIVING with Jake and Neytiri .

-Stay at home wheelchair dad Jake Sully with his three little kids under three had none of the attention or free time to dedicate to a kid with medical issues, but him and work from home Norm become a seamless team in the kids toddler years.

-Neytiri had just finished her residency so she was simply flawless with him. He's pretty much a normal kid, he's just got bad asthma. He does all physical activity he can, but he gets out of breath quickly and has to stop for a puff or two before he can get back out there.

-Neteyam is younger but they're in the same grade because Spider got held back because he was so lil because he was a sick kid before Neytiri and Norm got a hold of him.

-He carries around an inhaler and Neteyam also carries around an inhaler because Neteyam may be younger but he is so protective of Spider and so worried about him losing his breath when they are at school and their parents aren't around.

-Tonowari and Jake meet at the playground on a Saturday and all of a sudden Jake is an after-school care, watching his own four kids and Ao'nung and Tsireya (and neighborhood latchkey kid Rotxo who Spider loves because he was also a latchkey kid).

-Ao'nung gets mad at Spider during a game of pickle where they are both the taggers because Spider stops to tag a puff. Ao'nung insists he has to keep going and Spider does and ends up passing out.

-He's not allowed to run or do anything strenuous for two days and Ao'nung is grounded by Ronal for a week. Neteyam and Kiri don't talk to him for a day. He feels really bad though and after that he yells at any kid who tries to get Spider to do anything physical at school until a teacher has to call home and they all have to have a chat lol.

-Neytiri and Norm we're absolutely unbearable for days, hovering over him and making him drink water, while Jake was treating Spider exactly the same. They are disability buddies and Jake would never treat Spider as fragile because he isn't. In fact, they played catch later that night even though Spider was sitting down and it gave Neteyam an aneurysm.

-Lo'ak always explains to strangers that his brother is cool he just has "shit lungs" because he heard Jake say that one time.

-Reddie moment: "Spider Sully Blasts Off!" every time he uses his inhaler.

#bubble boy is so spider coded #neteyam is prematurely grey in every universe #but especially in one where spider is chronically ill and has lo'ak as a sibling #a lot of this is taken from my kid at work with asthma #also i can't even get started on the myriad of ways lo'ak almost kills spider on the daily #it reminds me of my brother and our close family friend #theyre basically siblings #she is deathly allergic to eggs #and my brother is constantly sticking his knife in her butter or offering her some of his food or accidentally taking her fork #were always like are you trying to kill jessie??? #imagine this but lo'ak while they have family dinner and everyone else has a spice deadly to humans and spider's bowl is human safe #lo'ak sticking his fork in spiders bowl: can i have a bite #eberyone: oh my fucking god #skksks #miles spider socorro #spider socorro #spider sully #jake sully #neytiri sully #neteyam sully #kiri sully #lo'ak sully #norm spellman #ao'nung #tsireya #tonowari #ronal #rotxo #avatar #avatar the way of water

[deevotee]

im still in the school arc reading wise so i dont know everything abt the servants back stories yet, but i cant stop thinking about bard starting work at the manor and just living with this expectation that one day he will watch all of them die too

maybe the feeling slowly starts to go away with time, it may only be a couple years but he watches sebastian and mey rin take down enemies with ease, an old man still in his prime who couldnt be taken down by even a burning house, and two kids who were both the last ones standing of their own pasts, and he starts to think "maybe itll be okay this time"

and THEN the murder arc happens. he comes face to face with his superman, the very best fighter they have, meeting his end. just every hope that had blossomed in his chest being torn out all at once, but thats his life and he keeps moving forward so he can take care of the rest of them. i always imagined that in the time it took for them to set up sebastians funeral that bard had a breakdown the first moment he was alone and not expected to do anything

even when sebastian is 'back alive' i imagine the dread cant go away, nawing at him again and making him see all of the phantom-fam's dead faces in his dreams. him waking up in the middle of the night and going to check on sebastian, who's usually awake and then has to deal with a worried bard nagging at him to sleep and refuses to leave until he does. he'll stay just a touch too long once he thinks sebastian is asleep, staring at him face and his chest to ensure he's breathing and there with him before going to sleep in his own bed

and then the campania arc happens :) where sebastian and ciel miraculously survive a sinking ship but sebastian is ACTUALLY wounded for realsies so he probably looked like shit when they got back to the manor on top of ciel being sick af from asthma. in my heart of hearts bard became the full on commander of the manor for like a week, having mey-rin and tanaka take care of ciel while he forced sebastian to let bard take care of him. sebastian figures out just how annoying someone who cares for him can really be, but he was ordered to rest so he cant even really fight him on it

i could go on and on tbh but ill stop the rambling here i just think about these two a lot lately and esp bard, the poor dude has to be hanging on by a thread

#rambles #sebard #sebastian michaelis #bardroy #baldroy #black butler #kuroshitsuji #headcanons

[jenroses]

In the past 30 days: I came down with covid and the flu simultaneously Devoting all my executive function to taking covid/flu meds religiously on time led me to be late on my ongoing antiviral once, by 6 hours, so I had a brief flare of both shingles AND cold sores. They calmed back down once i got back on track. And now I have a bladder infection.

You would think, with my history (rheumatoid arthritis and resulting immune suppression and steroid-induced diabetes, asthma, obesity, physical and mental health issues, EDS, fibro, clotting disorders, etc.) that coming down with four viruses and a bacteria in this period of time would be horrible.

But you know what? Modern medicine is a good thing. Antivirals are a good thing. Antibiotics are amazing. I took ONE dose of the antibiotic and my symptoms for the UTI are already loads better. I got over the flu in THREE FUCKING DAYS. The flu used to take me out for 2 weeks, sometimes 3 if I got a secondary infection, and that was when I wasn't on immune suppressants. Tamiflu plus elderberry, taken soon after symptoms start, work like magic. Covid was minor. Yes, I know it's minor for a lot of people but with my risk factors? And getting it with the flu? I took an anti-covid antiviral, and of course was already taking elderberry for the flu. I have a few minor lingering issues but they're basically issues I already have, just kicked from a 6 to a 6.5, ish. Like I used to hate black pepper and then I learned to tolerate it and now I can't tolerate it again. That kind of thing. Sensory stuff is more brittle than it was, suboptimal pants are not an option. But seriously, shingles used to be a mandatory 6 week excruciating ordeal. I noticed the tingle-itch-prickle in that nerve, took my not-today-satan pills (famcyclovir) and it never really managed to get going. Cold sore was a specific prickle and a single small bump, never even scabbed. My kid was diagnosed with both flu and strep today, and he's not very sick either, and I don't even have to get swabbed for strep because the UTI drug will also treat strep. (Cefdinir)

I caught Covid 2 weeks after the bivalent shot, went off my immune suppressing drug, and kicked it to the curb with the help of targeted meds and a little herbal knowledge. I've been miserable for days with this UTI and finally got the executive function to get us to the doctor and boom, better.

I am begging you. If you get sick, and you know you're sick, if you can, get tested quickly and treated quickly. Tamiflu is supposed to cut hours off the flu, but in my experience combined with elderberry, it has taken a 14 day illness and turned it into a 3 day illness, several times now. I've never had a flu shot. (I don't object to them in principle, but my body can have garbage reactions to immune provocation and by the time Covid happened the tamiflu/elderberry=3 days sick thing made the flu shot moot for me. The math on Covid works out well in favor of the covid shot.)

There's no benefit in suffering. Especially with Covid and the flu, which mutate constantly and can bork your immune system permanently (see: triggers for autoimmunity. I have 6 autoimmune conditions, fun times.) Covid, especially, can target the cells which remember Covid. Kick it to the curb, kick it hard, kick it fast, use the tools we have.

I didn't even catch bronchitis from all this, and I ALWAYS used to catch bronchitis. because CPAP.

FWIW elderberry also helps the immune system clear out post-vaccine yuck faster. Without, I had inflammatory flares for a month. A dose ended that cycle. Next immunizations I took elderberry sooner and didn't have anywhere near as bad a time. (It is not "just" an "immune booster", it specifically promotes the production/function of tumor necrosis factor and this makes it specifically good for things like influenza.) My reaction to the bivalent shot was a sore arm for a day and then a couple days of local pain. A minor RA flare, short lived, not severe.

Anyway. Wear a mask. Get your shots. If you get sick, have them swab you for both flu and covid, not just one or the other, and strep too, if you're getting a sore throat, because we are past the days of one or the other. Get the antivirals and take as directed. Hydrate. Rest, and rest an extra day on top of it, more if you can, to give your body a chance to really kick it all the way. Use the tools available to you.

[lostwriter-sendrescue]

Moving out of Toxic Environments Is a Catch 22.

That might sound a bit off. but let me explain.

up until the fall of 2006, my father was a Logger for a small local logging company, mainly truck driver but he’d go and chop trees and replant too. my mother was a stay at home mom for a while, then worked in a little Piercing Pagoda stall in the local mall until it shut down, and then became a school bus driver. Our family was functional, but there were still headbutting between my older brother and father since, you know, oldest son VS sire things, but usually nothing between my father and mother than would make me feel uncomfortable or even unsafe. From about 2007 onward, things changed when my father left the logging company to work for an old school friend of his who had started up a construction company. At first, it was okay. then suddenly, my father would start arguing with my mother over money--bills mainly. (Let me explain quickly how school bus drivers get paid. They get paid monthly, not weekly. I think it’s the same for teachers too, but don’t quote me. My Dad was getting paid weekly. Mom’s money went towards the end of month bills/start of month bills, while Dad’s money typically went toward mid month bills and groceries, or anything for us kids.)

I had a little brother, and when these would start up, I’d take him up to my room, close the door, turn on a movie, and turn up the volume to drown out the shouts.

Also in this time, I started writing fanfics. I was fairly active in my writing, even if at this time I had very few things posted. It was kinda cathartic for me. by the time I was in high school, i had gotten a little better with my writing, and was actively posting on a couple fic sites. I also became a target for my father’s beer fueled arguments, problem was most of the time I yelled back because I didn’t want to let him think I’d stand for him treating me like a verbal punching bag.

The worse he got, the more depressed my mother got, and the more I ended up taking care of the house and my brother on top of doing chores and such. Which, if I was focusing on my schoolwork, I didn’t focus on much because you know, school was important. Which got me yelled at because mom would say I didn’t clean when Dad would yell at her, and he would yell at me. and I’d yell back that I was doing my schoolwork. He’d even almost cost me a laptop I had bought myself for school because I told him I was doing homework and he could do the dishes after dinner, and he threw a cup down hard enough on the keyboard that a few keys broke.

He then also started to play on equipment auction sites, as well as spending money on things he didn’t need of these sites...

2020 rolled around, I had been graduated for 8 years, but still lived at home with them because I was a working part time with shit pay, and had a form of major asthma problem pop up that was only taken seriously when my lips started turning blue because I couldn’t properly breathe. I was just getting that under control, when my 15 year old niece ended up living with us. I gave her my room in the house, and lived in the camper... which had me feeling a little more independent from everyone else despite it being a small space. even with it not being the most well taken care off maintenance wise before I had moved in, it gave me friend to make friends with people on the internet and talk to them on and off.

Then finally in 2021, my boyfriend and I moved out, moving into my neice’s father’s singlewide, which while not the most amazing place because his anger issues had caused lots of holes as well as his inability to properly discipline his oldest son, gave me freedom to actually drop walls that I had been forced to have from the previous enviroment I had. Downside? My mother knew where we lived, and would constantly show up to both hang out at noon between runs, as well as when dad threw her out for a week in February of 2022 because of the ever worsening money issues of him spending money they needed for bills and taking care of animals on the farm on the auction sites, and mom having to scramble to get the money from their join savings and her private one to pay bills.

Then because that brother that was the neice who moved in in 2020 decided we couldn’t live in the single wide anymore, so we had to move in with my Bf’s parents until we got our current appartment...

Between 2020 and moving into this apartment in october 2022, I was fairly active with my writing and had a good writing bug going. then, suddenly... my writing bug... died.

I have so many ideas I WANT to write, but I can’t figure out HOW to write them in a way that makes sense with the stories I have going on! I going in and add one or two sentences or go through and edit again for the umpteenth time. Or I help a friend and my bf with their stories.

But my own creative juice for my stories? Dry since I’ve gotten a place where I feel safe from my toxic family. Is this a thing?

#my creative drive has dried up HELP! #Sorry if this was a bit ranty... just something I've been thinking about lately.

[campeyourdiems]

Greetings and salutations, hope I don’t bother you to much. May I please have a romantic matchup for camp camp? I notice you guys haven’t had one in awhile so just ignore and delete of you don’t feel like doing it, no pressure. 👍

I use they/it pronouns and I’m pansexual. My Myers Briggs type is INFJ and Enneagram type is 4. My star sign is Taurus, moon sign is Gemini.

Im about 4’11..not to happy about it. I’m rather introverted, and can be considered not a people person. I find life a little nihilistic. I’m into dressing in all black and taking a liking to gruesome and morbid things like slashers, analog horror, death games, true crime documentaries, poetry, necromancy and anatomy. I typically consider myself a “Gorehound”. I also like to visit abandoned hospitals and houses just for fun, along with playing quite a few escape rooms. I just have a genuine comfort in the uncomfortable.

I get a lot of monikers from friends and family like "discount vomitboyx", "doomer boy", and "Remake of Daria" before. I’ve come to the conclusion I just scare people off. In reality, I’m intimidated by everyone around me and find it hard to start conversing, which may or may not come off as rude to people.

When I finally become comfortable with someone I start to become really sarcastic and joke around with them with witty banter. Most of my humor comes off really insulting, but I’ll apologize and say it’s a joke if it becomes a problem. Even though I do have a hard time understanding physical social cues.

Lots of people don’t like me or stay away from me because of my rude behavior. I’m not good with overly sensitive or overly annoying people at all because of that, and I can’t stand kids. Idiocy can get on my nerves too sometimes. I’m a huge animal person though. I have my moments where I can get really feisty, or very quiet and closed off. I’ve been told I’m also a laidback person.

I’m the type of person that has lots of opinions on things but I keep them to myself and bottle them up. If pushed far enough I’ll become unforgiving, and aggressive. Especially with the types mentioned above.

I find the most comfort in just being in my room drawing, reading and or listening to music ( Motionless in White, Deftones, System of a Down, Slipknot, Rob Zombie,,, sometimes Will Wood, The Front Bottoms, Jazmin Bean or Mother Mother, etc. ), or even occasionally playing video games or reading and talking about Greek mythology or some random documentary I read. I also do acting in my spare time, which I find really fun. My interests tend to be very restricted, and I shut down easily getting into new things.

I’m a plushie maniac and when I fall asleep you can always see me cuddled up to one of them. I find it because I’m really touch starved. I’m guilty of being very submissive and maybe even masochistic- and a bit of a pyromaniac. I dissociate or daydream a lot, so you can often catch me starring.

I suffer from a handful off mental and physical syndromes like autism, GERD, arthritis, asthma, depression and anxiety. These have all been diagnosed professionally, and I’m definitely not trying to make myself "quirky". I have stims where I bite the inside of my cheek, pull my hair, crack or pop my bones, pick at scabs, fidget with my fingers or toy and bounce my leg. I even hiss or squeal when I’m upset. I’ve also been developing a eating disorder. You don’t need to rocmantasize this stuff ofc, but I think it’s good to know so the person can tolerate me.

you do get to this, thanks for your time.

howdy, :3 i'm really sorry it's taken so long to answer this, we had a lot of mental + physical health issues that came up on top of other things. hopefully by the time i'm answering this you're still at least a little into Camp Camp aha- (has no idea how long it's been)

anyway, onto the matchup. now, this may not be a surprise to you, but I think you'd work pretty well with Daniel.

he'd find your "gorehound" tendencies and "comfort in the discomfort" to be rather interesting, most people he meets tend to be the exact opposite. he'd be happy to accompany you on your visits to abandoned buildings, curious if anything interesting was to be found there or not. i also think he'd be interested in analog horrors and true crime, possibly a few games and slasher movies as well. though he feels like the type to be super critical of horror movies if they're even slightly inaccurate so if that tends to bother you, you might not want to watch movies with him.

unsurprisingly he likely doesn't find you very intimidating, he honestly just finds your whole deal fascinating. if you find yourself intimidated by him, he might try to back off a bit though but we all know how he is about personal space an all that. /lh he doesn't mind that you're not great at starting conversations, he loves to talk when he has the chance.

he'd enjoy the sarcasm and make it known if you've offended him at all, though i feel like that'd be rather hard to do but also...surprisingly easy at times? as a serial killer he's probably been called pretty much everything in the book, but i feel like there may be a few things that are sore spots such as his religion or blonde jokes. he's likely to be more understanding with you though, especially about the social cues- he's no good with those either.

i wouldn't say he's a very sensitive person and we all know how he is with kids, himself. he has times where he's a little less than smart about things, but overall i don't think it should be bad enough to bother you. i like to think he's rather neutral on animals though, but he might prefer cats to other things. your tendency to bottle up your opinions may bother him a bit though, so he may press for you to share them at times. -cough- i do believe he'd find it rather attractive if you're aggressive around him, so do with that information what you will. -cough-

he'd be pretty interested in seeing your drawings if you'd ever want to show him, he's never really had time to hone the skill himself so he finds other people's ability in it pretty neat. i don't think he'd know who any of the artists you listen to are, but he'd be willing to listen. (i really like a lot of them myself and i think he'd like Will Wood, Jazmine Bean, and Mother Mother as well as a few songs from the others. =w=) this man's never touched a video game in his life, but he'd be happy to watch you play or learn how to do so himself. i do think he'd enjoy reading at times when he allows himself the time, and i believe he'd enjoy listening to you talk about whatever you decide to talk about.

i believe he'd find your interest in plushies rather cute, tbh. he understands being touch starved, though he'd never say anything about it, so he wouldn't judge you for it. i don't think he'd care very much about you being a bit of a pyro, as long as you don't do it too close to anything he deems important. he doesn't mind the disassociation and staring at all since he tends to do the same himself.

[skipped over the mentions of being submissive and masochistic cuz idk how old you are =w=; sorry]

i think he's got a lot going on himself, so he can at least somewhat handle being around your illnesses. (personally think he's got autism and anxiety, perhaps some repressed depression) obviously, he's got a thing about popping his own joints but i think he also has a tendency to bite apart his cheeks and pull at his hair in times of stress so he understands it a lot, though he might try to stop you if you're hurting yourself with it. as for the hissing and squealing, it may throw him off a bit at first but it wouldn't be something he's too put off by and he'd get used to it pretty quickly.

sorry if i forgot to go over anything, but i hope you're happy with your result!

#campeyourdiems #m4gg0tgutz #camp campbell #camp camp #camp camp fandom #camp camp fanblog #camp camp x reader #camp camp matchup #cc daniel #camp camp daniel #camp camp daniel x reader #cc daniel x reader #canon x reader #x reader #matchups

[slashertempo]

Handle Your High..?

Handle Your High

When I was a kid, acid was my drug of choice. Friends were smoking weed, or buying a lot of cocaine, and I just didn't get it. Their stuff was expensive, and I was doing a goofy drug that came on a tiny chip of paper for a couple of dollars. It lasted and kept me up for about 8-12 hours, it made the lights pretty, and the music hit my brain HARD. That and a Long Island Iced Tea, if I could afford it, was all I needed for fun at the clubs. I don't think I ever tried coke, and weed hurt my chest, probably the asthma...

The music would be really intense and I was just there to soak it in and dance for hours, usually by myself. I went just for that, my friends knew that and would be off doing their things, and find me when they were ready to take off. It was always a perfect and simple night for me to blow off steam from my restaurant job, I could tune people out, smoke a bunch of menthols, and hear new sounds every weekend...

Speed was cool, it would get me wired, so we could club all night, and then I could do an opening shift at Carl's Jr. I don't think anyone there ever knew I was tripping or super wired. It kept me pumped for the lunch rush, and then I'd go home and sleep through the daylight. I got away with doing that while living in Chicago.

I've told the story about meeting David Bowie in the early 90's, it was probably a night after a club night, being the reason I was so tired and unable to remember anything about him, but his nasty cigarette breath, heh...

Looking back at those days, and reflecting on it all, at 55, I don't think any of that is something I could get away with, not so much. These days, I enjoy a rum and coke, or a 7up with some red wine in it, or maybe a single Warsteiner or Sam Adams. And they make me feel... maybe a slight buzz, a warm fuzzy drunk, and always tired and ready for bed.

So back to our current timeline, a few days ago I finally got to see a doctor about my breathing, she was understanding of all of it, and saw that I needed to adjust what I was getting used to. She wrote up a few prescriptions, one of which was one of my least favorite drugs. One of the few I usually refuse to take, Prednisone. I don't like pain killers, and I stopped anti-depressants long ago, and Prednisone is right up there with those. If you've taken it, you may be familiar!

Prednisone is a steroid, and it makes you hyper, energetic, perhaps a little high, bordering on seeing shit and your brain seriously wanting to tune out. That's how it makes me feel. I had a ton of trouble the first few days and was awake three days straight, work was insane by the third day, but I made it through, had a day off yesterday, and it was still really weird! I went shopping and spent all my money, bought really stupid food, and a bunch of clothes. I would not have done that if someone was with me, but it is what it is...

So, here I am staying home from work, again, because it is making me feel a bit loopy and strange, and I have a little bit of the shakes. I sent a note to my doctor over the weekend, asking if I should stop, but she shot back that it's really going to help the other asthma meds get a start on helping my routine, and I'll be happier with the results after a few more days. She told me what to look out for, and she was the one who suggested staying home if I could. I'm trusting that and trying to keep relaxed for the day.

So here I am, writing and thinking about how when I was younger, there was always some kind of prep work involved when I was planning to be high. Who was driving, where I needed to be at what time, how long I would be awake, and when I worked. But it all went fine. I was always the type who would follow the "handle your high" rule.

Not to slight any of you friends, but I never wanted to be that "I love you guys, man!" or the one who was tripping all over and everyone had to help me get home. If I was going to become a burden or draw awkward attention to myself from my drinking or drugs, then they were removed from the plan and I'd go without, hah...

So now, I'm taking something that makes me feel out of control. I'm indeed, NOT handling my high, and I hate it, even though there's a lot of positive coming from it, this time. Some of the kids were having a laugh at me a few days ago. I was so wired and loopy, they commented that I was not the usual crabby character I am and that I was super jumpy and giddy about everything. They were still cracking up at my joking, but it was different, I was a clown, apparently. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" one of them joked...

So now I'm here at home, jittery, a bit lucid, and I can feel a sense of hyperactivity moving in. Hopefully, it will be around the time, the kid wants to go do some grocery shopping and laundry and can at least keep an eye on me. If I'm good, maybe I can get 'er to grab me some Chili Cheese Fritos and a coffee drink!

...like I really need one of those, right now! (maybe a choco milk).

#drugs #prescriptions #lsd #acid #drinking #clubs #bacheolor party brad #i love you drunk #handle your high #Youtube

[undeadorion-archive]

I'm so fucking mad at everything. Especially my own goddamn body.

I have asthma, and it's pretty bad. It took the maximum dosage allowed for an inhaler, taken twice a day, plus 2 daily pills to reign it in. And even then it took months before I really started to feel better.

The first reason I'm mad is how it presents. It doesn't feel like asthma, it feels like heartburn mixed with a panic attack. Only if I'm able to focus on how it feels can I tell that it's more diffused than heartburn, but the panic starts to set in and I can't think straight. It's not the typical wheezing sort, either. It's just that feeling. Eventually, I'll start coughing but that's usually after its passed and my body tries to eject the mucus from my lungs.

The second reason I'm mad is it took so goddamn long to identify I even had asthma, even though I've likely had it since I was a kid. I was 39 goddamn years old when a doctor finally thought to check that. But the reason it took so long was because I was just sort of at a low level asthma flare pretty much constantly for ages. The rest blurred in with my other health issues. It's only been the last month or so that I've had genuine free breathing time. It makes the attacks so much worse by contrast, unfortunately, but I'm better able to tell when one actually starts and what triggers it.

Which leads me to the big thing that bothers me. Because do you know what the big trigger was? The thing that kept leading to me having the worst attacks almost every day, so I was constantly exhausted? I'd already identified a lot of triggers: heat, humidity, smoke, exhaust, exertion, stuffy spaces, and so on. But it wasn't any of those. It was LAYING ON MY RIGHT FUCKING SIDE. It's not every time, but most of the time. Laying on my right side will trigger the most intense asthma attack to the point that it feels like I can't breathe at all and I go into full panic mode, scrambling for my rescue inhaler.

What pisses me off even more than that is the sudden change in my health when I stopped laying on my right side. I have more energy and better focus and I don't feel like I'm going to crash. I stopped needing naps after work! All because of periodically choosing to lay on my right side while chilling out before bed. And the one time I was woken up by feeling like I couldn't breathe, I was laying on my right side.

I'm actually functional finally, but god am I pissed about it. It's been over a year and a half since I started trying to find out what was wrong with my lungs. And the whole time, the thing that was supposed to help me (laying down) was making me consistently worse.

#personal #health stuff

[ppheobee]

I don't wanna regret not living

Yesterday, two of our beloved relatives passed away: Ate Lala and Tito Marlex, both from my father's side. One died from an asthma attack, and the other from a stroke. It was so unexpected that it took me hours to process everything. We're still grieving from Lola's passing, and it's not even a year since we lost her. Now, two more have been taken on the same day. Who would have thought that we would lose them on the same day? Who would have thought that our precious Ate Lala, who was about to graduate from college, would die before she ever held her diploma? Who would have thought that Tito Marlex would never see his family again or witness the success of his kids? Who would have thought their lives would be taken that way?

Death is a part of our lives; it is inevitable, and no one can predict its coming. This experience made me realize once again how important it is to live. The definition of living is subjective. The important thing is to make the best of our time doing what is worth living for us. True enough, it is difficult to balance work and living, but work is just a part of living; it should not consume you. Problems are a part of living, so don't let them consume you. Don't lock your definition of living in just one part of it. Don't be scared to explore every part.

As the old saying goes, no man is an island. You can always share your joys and sorrows with the people you thought were the right ones - find your people. And, same as to you, be present and never hold back from saying 'I love you' to them. While you might think it should be obvious that you love them, saying those words out loud is a step toward a more open relationship. Try it; you know it's special because you're saying it to them, and it's from you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that making time for the people you love is what living is for me. I'm talking about you and your loved ones. Don't forget to love yourself and know what makes you feel alive. Yourself is the only thing you own in this world, so respect it and don't abuse it. I know it's easier said than done, and I still have a lot to say, but I will just end my point with this phrase: "To love is to live. Don't just breathe, start living today."

[engagedtobefree]

My friend Craig died last month. I knew it was coming, but it still doesn’t take any of the pain away. His mom texted me and our boss just before noon the day of his passing, saying that he went peacefully. He didn’t even know. He consciously had no idea he was dying. I don’t know whether that’s a blessing or a tragedy, though I really can’t see this situation as anything but the latter. I spent most of that day crying. Succeeded in not crying at Walmart, but then cried at the laundromat. My apartment’s washing machines were unusable because the water was frozen between the coldness and all the snow we got that week. Frozen, just like Craig’s life. Frozen at 33.

Craig went into the hospital the morning of December 28th. I remember this vividly for several reasons, the first being that I had taken off the next day to attend another friend’s wedding. The second reason being I immediately knew he wasn’t going to come home. His mom is my co-worker, and Craig also worked at our company. There’s only 3 of us in my department: her, me, and our boss. She told me some time before lunch. I had gone into her office to give her some paperwork and she told me Craig was in the hospital for the flu, that he woke up that morning and couldn’t breathe. She said that whenever he gets sick he has breathing issues, regardless of what it is, but that he doesn’t have any type of disorder. I thought that was strange because I have asthma and that doesn’t even happen to me. But the thing is, right before she told me what he went into the hospital for, I had an intuitive feeling, you know the ones that come from right beneath your lower left ribs. It came from there. I had the specific feeling that he wouldn’t leave the hospital alive. I have been trying to listen to my intuition more to make it even stronger than it already is, but naturally I didn’t want to listen to this. Joyce told me Craig was in the hospital, the feeling washed over me he wouldn't come back, then I asked her what was wrong and she told me, and I thought maybe for the first time ever, my intuition was wrong. I wanted it to be. Craig has the flu, I rationalized. He will be fine. Except he wasn’t fine. The flu turned into an infection, which led to sepsis, which then led to bleeding around his brain, causing several strokes and brain damage that he would never recover from. I want to be angry at myself, that my first initial reaction, regardless of it being my intuition, was that he wasn’t going to come home alive. But I can’t feel anything other than grief right now. I tried so hard to rationalize my first feeling away, I tried so hard not to be worried or concerned, I tried so hard to believe he was somehow going to pull out of this, even as things got worse and worse. I just kept telling myself he’d be fine. Being dead is so far from being fine. It’s the furthest thing away from it.

Craig was 33, just a year older than me. He has a 4-year-old son and a wife, who I believe is my age. I cannot even fucking imagine being widowed and left a single mom at the age I am at right now. I know his wife also lost her father a few years ago; he had a heart attack during Thanksgiving dinner. Joyce, Craig’s mom, is also no stranger to tragic loss. She lost a brother when she was a kid, I think she was like 8 or 9 and her brother was 12. They were walking home from school and he just dropped dead from a brain aneurysm. Now she lost her son in a similar way. I know she lost several close friends, and I think she was pretty young when she lost her parents. She has two other children; Craig was the oldest. Her youngest, Jason, who I believe is 25, has been struggling a lot with his mental health. I met Jason a few years ago when he joined a D&D group I was in with some friends. Craig was a new father at the time, his son was maybe 1 or so, and he had mentioned to me at work how hard it was and he felt like he barely got to go out anymore. Him being a nerd like myself, I invited him to join my group, and then eventually he had his brother join too. Jason didn’t stay in our group very long, maybe a few months tops, because of his severe anxiety. We all thought he was doing okay, but of course anxiety being an internal thing, it’s not always easy to tell. Jason has been struggling even more, his anxiety morphing into depression because of them having to put down their dog last year. Joyce said their dog was Jason’s best friend, and now he just lost his older brother. Last year on several different occasions, I gave Joyce some tips for helping Jason, since he hasn’t responded positively to any medication. One suggestion I gave her was pharmacogenetic testing, another was TMS Therapy, and the third was this video game therapy program (I forget the name at the moment). Both Jason and Joyce were really grateful for my help, and Jason even came into the office one day back in maybe late November/early December after a therapy session (he doesn’t drive and Joyce had to stop by the office). I could tell he was nervous but trying to open up, so I just started talking in the hopes I could help ease his nerves a bit. I think it worked, cuz before Joyce left to take him back home, he said we should all plan a game night where I can come over. I don’t know how I am supposed to do that now. It would just be so weird without Craig. But good God, Jason is going to need help more than ever now. Joyce was trying not to bury one son and ended up having to bury the other. This whole situation is so fucked. The only light I can see is that hopefully Joyce can help him in some way because she knows what it’s like to lose a brother. I was telling my friend Amanda some of this and she said Jason will need support now more than ever, and I know that. Just right now, it is so hard to see beyond my own grief for my friend, not knowing how I’ll be able to help when I am also grieving, but I know what I feel is absolutely nowhere near as devastating as it is for his family. My heart breaks for all of them.

This just doesn’t feel real to me. I haven’t known Craig a very long time, since 2018 I think. It wasn’t long after I started that he did too. He worked in my building first, out in the warehouse, so I got to interact and talk with him often. It was some time in 2021 he got a position in our other building, and then he left our D&D group to spend more time with his family since he usually worked long hours in his new role. He didn’t want to be a dad at first, but he did start to adjust to it better eventually. I was looking back over our work messages and we continued to talk at work throughout all of 2022, but it phased out in the new year. I occasionally got to see him at work, and I think the last time I saw him was the end of last summer. He worked from home the day of our Christmas party, so I would’ve seen him then but that didn’t happen. I had been thinking all of last year how I should reach out and eventually I did, on his birthday, September 8th, the same as my dad’s. I think that was the last time I talked to him. Joyce knows he shares a birthday with my dad, and what’s even more fucked up is our boss’s birthday is the day Craig passed, January 18th. We are both now going to be reminders of her dead son. Joyce hates it at our company (really don’t blame her tbh) and I know how she has been looking to leave for a long time now. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if at some point this year she turned in her resignation. Not only did she work with her son, but they all lived together: her, her husband, Craig, Craig’s wife & son, and Jason. Her daughter is the only one who doesn’t, as she lives with just her husband and her son. So not only does Joyce have to deal with Craig’s absence at work, she has to deal with it at home too. I just feel so sorry for her. I feel so sorry for everyone.

Craig was such a tough person. I really had high hopes that he was going to pull through. He was in a car accident a little over a decade ago that left him with brain damage and a lot of physical problems, but he wasn’t a complainer. He worked hard and didn’t let his pain get in the way. He even helped me move into my new apartment 3 years ago, and drove me to it in his Tesla, and then he helped my mom move like 6 months later. He had hit her neighbor’s car with the moving truck and since his dad is a mechanic, he promised to come back and fix it. Craig was a man of his word. He was a good friend. He was incredibly funny, though he said things with an ounce of dryness or sarcasm. He always had sassy comebacks that were either given in good faith with some playfulness underneath or said out of brutal honesty. The former was reserved for family and friends, the latter was reserved only for those who truly deserved it. He had a biting sarcasm that not everyone appreciated, but I found it funny. He was honest. He defended himself if you treated him poorly. He didn’t take shit from anyone. He would only tolerate things for so long before he would say you know what, I’m out, screw you. He looked just like Joyce. I’m pretty sure the first exact thing I thought when meeting Craig was, “Oh my God, he’s Joyce’s twin.” I remember one time at work he told me everyone called me his work wife, which I thought was weird because it wasn’t like we talked all the time, but I guess because I don’t talk to many people there, that’s why they came up with that. Apparently, some people, including his mom, even speculated we were having an affair. By that point, I had already survived affair rumors about Scott and I, so I was mostly unphased; people already thought I was some sort of homewrecker, so my reputation was already tainted beyond the point of salvation. Craig handled the situation a lot better than Scott had though. Scott was dismissive and mean towards me about it, but Craig’s attitude was more of a “Fuck ‘em” approach, which I appreciated, and it made me feel better despite another ridiculous rumor going around about me. Thinking about it now, I can only imagine what smartass comeback he had for people saying stuff to him about it. I can’t even begin to imagine what wildly insane reply he would have, but it makes me smile just knowing that that is how he would respond. I keep my friend group relatively small. The fact that Craig was a part of it says a lot. I am going to miss my honest, hard-working, funny friend.

It is so hard for me to wrap my head around all of this. I guess it always is when someone dies young, but even more so when that person especially it is hard to picture their light going out. I don’t know if they mis-diagnosed Craig with the flu at first, or if that is what he had and maybe something else on top of it. Joyce had only been online for a handful of hours for those several weeks, and even though she was texting Pete and I updates all the time, the info she gave was brief. When I would ask questions, I tried to limit it to one or two because I didn’t want to bombard her. Since then, I have given her her space, and I have only seen her in person 3 times this year, so there hasn't been a ton of interactions for more info to come up. I know Craig was pro-vaccine, because I remember talking to him about vaccines in the past. I don’t know if this year he missed his flu shot or if he just got seriously fucking unlucky. I don’t know. It’s just absolutely mind-boggling. This is also the first time I’ve lost a friend. I have lost some family members throughout my life, but this is just different. Friends really are the family you choose. Unlike family, friends are people you consciously let into your life. You choose to spend time with them, make memories, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. It just hits a bit differently, losing a friend. This is a new experience for me.

One of my best friends, Amanda, lost her other best friend Cassie to brain cancer back in November. Cassie fought long and hard, despite there being no hope for her, and she extended her life another two-and-a-half years. Like Craig, she was only 33 when she died. She had first had cancer back when she was like 19 but was able to enter remission, and she found out at 31 she had cancer again when she went for a check-up because her and her husband planned on having a baby. She wanted to make sure everything was okay since she had been having some headaches, and ended up leaving with devastating news. I only met her once: she came to a donation-based yoga class I did for the Ukraine back in early 2022. During savasana, her and her husband held hands as they laid there. I had never seen any couples do that in class before and I thought it was really cute. I am 100% a believer in romantic soulmates and true love, and it just made my heart feel so warm. Amanda has told me a bit about their relationship and it seemed like they really had a healthy, loving, thriving partnership together. It makes Cassie’s story even that much sadder. Her and Amanda had been friends for probably as long as Stacy and I, and I couldn’t even imagine losing Stacy (or Amanda, who I’ve only been friends with for like 7 years). I put together a grief basket for her, which I was only able to give her right before Christmas. It included: a sticker (Amanda loves traditional tattoos, so the style was perfect for her), a grief notebook (I glued on the starfish since starfish were Cassie’s thing), a book on grief, a pocket hug (yellow, her current favorite color because her one son loves yellow so much), a Doodlebob pen holder (for shits and giggles, to break up the seriousness of everything), and of course a card. I put everything in a little basket, which wasn’t as fully thought through as everything else because as you can see below, it’s easy for stuff to fall out. Cassie got married on the beach and she had two tattoos of starfish below her collarbones. Amanda told me that the two of them designed her tattoos together. Amanda had a dream about starfish one night; there was a bucket of water in front of her with starfish swimming, but when she picked them up, they died. When she put them back in the water, they were alive again. She thought it was strange because she never remembers her dreams, but this one she remembered very vividly. Ian, Cassie’s husband, called her that same day, to tell her it was time to say goodbye. Cassie was gone I think about 12 hours later. Cassie had been unconscious already when Amanda had her dream, and Amanda believes she had been communicating with her in some way. I think so too.

The book I got for Amanda I found a PDF online of, just to make sure it would be a good fit, which it was. It wasn’t preachy, or dismissive, or religious; it gave actual decent, constructive advice, and every day came with an affirmation. I really wanted Amanda to have it before the new year started so that she could decide for herself when exactly she wanted to start it, since it’s a 365 day kind of book. Amanda’s wifi password has always been a Doodlebob-related thing, and that item randomly popped up when I was searching up grief items on Etsy. I knew I had to include it. The card is something similar to Amanda’s dream. I only briefly searched through cards before that one popped up. Before I even clicked on it, I had this instinctual feeling of “This is the one”. I had ordered from that particular Etsy shop before and really loved the cards, so I knew the quality would be good. It took me some time to decide on everything I ordered, and when I was ready to checkout with the card, I started to second-guess it, thinking maybe I should look back over my options just in case. I remembered that intuitive feeling I had though, and decided before I let my thinking mind get in the way that I was just gonna get it. The day it arrived in the mail I was so excited, as I already had planned what I was going to write in it. Well, I flipped the card over and started crying. On the back, near the bottom, were the astrological symbols for the sun, Aries, and Aquarius. Amanda is an Aries sun and Cassie was an Aquarius sun. I grabbed the previous cards I purchased and checked the backs, even though I already knew that they were all different, which they were. Some didn’t even have any symbols, the rest were all random, like this one, some of the signs being astrological as well and others not, like a peace sign. This Etsy shop has probably hundred of cards and only a handful for grief, and I don’t know how to calculate those odds of getting that particular random ass combination, but I know they’re very slim. I had asked Cassie a few times, just put it out there, to help me pick out only the best for Amanda, and here she was giving her confirmation that she helped. I told Amanda all this and we both cried. I think this is actually what hit Amanda the hardest. Amanda isn’t spiritual like I am, and she has her doubts about a lot of things, but she confided in me that losing Cassie helped her understand what it means like to still feel a person around you after they’re gone. She doesn’t know where Cassie is, but she knows she is still around, and I think my card helped her believe too that what she feels is real. Cassie is still here, she’s just no longer in her body.

I want to get something for Joyce, though I don’t know what yet. I had thought of getting something made with a picture of her and Craig on it, but I don’t know how I’d manage to do that. I’m friends with Craig on Facebook, but he doesn’t have many pictures, and the only ones of him and his mom are from his wedding, but there’s always other people in them. I am going to think about it a bit more this month. A few days after Craig passed, my mom chipped in with me to bring Joyce a catered meal from Olive Garden. It was the Tuesday before Craig’s viewing, and Joyce had the rest of the week off for bereavement. I didn’t want to stop by on any of her days off so she could have some space. She had worked from home that Monday and Tuesday, so I came by her house with the food after work. I had also picked up Thai for myself, and they invited me in to have dinner with them. I got to meet Craig’s wife and son for the first time, and Jason was also there. I stayed for a bit and it was nice. I had kept thinking for well over a week how badly I needed a hug, and Joyce was the first person I was able to receive a hug from. I don’t generally long for physical affection outside of romantic partnerships and with my pets, so this was out of character for me, but after hugging Joyce I did feel better and that yearning went away. Joyce’s husband wasn’t there because he was in the hospital since what happened to Craig also happened to him, except he recovered and is now in rehab. He wasn’t even able to say goodbye to his son. The more I think about this whole situation, the more I realize how fucked up it is. For everyone. Like it’s not even that Craig just died young; there’s all these fucking layers on top of it to make it so much worse.

Craig’s viewing was on January 27th. I had bought a new black dress right before the new year began, and I couldn’t have fathomed that the first time I’d wear it would be to my friend’s viewing. I didn’t want to arrive too early, so I got there about 15-20 minutes before the service was about to start. I had wanted to practice a speech just in case I had to speak, but then I thought I wouldn’t have to do that. Turned out, I did end up giving a little speech. Craig’s best friend had gone first, and he was an absolute mess, understandably. A few other people talked for maybe a minute or so. Then there wasn’t anyone else. I thought, This won’t do, Craig deserves better, and next thing I knew, my legs were walking me up to the podium. I mentioned the first time I met Craig and my first thought about him, which made Joyce bark out a laugh. I also mentioned how Craig helped me move and took me to my new apartment in his Tesla. I mentioned how he hit my mom’s neighbor’s car on her moving day, and how she didn’t think he would come back but he did because he was honest. It was a bit more fleshed out than that, but you get the gist. I did want to say more than I did though. I wanted to say what I put in my obituary condolence about how I was looking back over our work messages from the past few years, and no matter how the conversations started, he always somehow managed to bring the topic around to Star Wars or video games. I wanted to say how he joined my D&D group (which is Dungeons and Dragons for all you non-nerds out there) and how he was able to just be himself always, all the time, even when fully surrounded by people he was meeting for the first time. I wanted to say how generous he was, how hard-working, how tough. But I couldn’t continue. I kept looking over at his casket as I talked, which was a mistake, and being up in front of everyone with their eyes on me was just a bit more unsettling than I thought it would be. I started choking on my words, the tears were building up too much, and I had to end my short little speech that was only half of what I wanted it to be. Later on, it did get me thinking though, how I always remember meeting people for the first time that I either ended up becoming friends with or ended up dating. It’s like a part of me knows, hey this person will be important to you at some point. That inner knowing extends far beyond my capacity to always consciously recognize it.

There was a part of me, for the first few days after Craig’s passing, that was afraid, because you know, death always comes in 3’s, and both Cassie and Craig were 33. I’ll be 33 later this year, Amanda is already 33, and then I have a bunch of other friends who will be turning 33 either this year or next. I was really worried about a third death happening in my personal sphere. Then, one day I had remembered how my dad’s “girlfriend” (long story) has cancer, and I thought, Oh, maybe he will tell me she’s been in the hospital 33 days or something. I kid you not, 5 minutes after I thought that, my dad called me to say he was sorry about my friend, and then he tells me he just took his girlfriend home after she was in the hospital 33 days and that her cancer spread to her brain. I stopped what I was doing when he said that. There it was, the 33, and not only that, but the brain connection too. I know this is going to sound terrible, but I found some relief in that. Of course, I don’t like hearing about anyone dying or even being close to death, but my dad’s girlfriend has at least lived life almost twice as long as any 33-year-old. I do feel sorry, but I also know it was a sign telling me not to needlessly worry, and since then, I haven’t.

I have been thinking about death a lot lately, which I guess has to do with it hitting so close to home. I don’t want to get too much into my own personal beliefs here, but I do believe in reincarnation after a particular event that happened last year made me recognize that I’ve been here before. I was always open to the idea previously, but never fully committed to it prior to that event, which left me absolutely no wiggle-room to ever be unsure about it ever again. I also know that consciousness, that energy, never really dies, and that a person lives on, for however long, in some other world parallel to ours before coming here again. Or not. I am not sure that we all come back to earth. Maybe we get some say in the matter, that we can forever peace-out to some blissful afterlife or we can dive headfirst down into the chaotic wonder of being human again. I believe too, that we choose all of this, this life we have, at least to a certain degree, before we come here. Idk, I won’t pretend to fully know the afterlife rules. Saying all of that, I’ve thought about Craig, trying to find some relief in any of that, and I can’t. Regardless of whether he will one day get another life, his current life has ended, and that is still a tragedy. He won’t get this life back ever again. It was a one-time deal and now it’s gone for good. I’ve been thinking about that, and how his life was tragically short, and how we, as humans, always act like we have all the time in the world. We are so arrogant to think that we always have time, that being young somehow prevents us from meeting an early death. This is part of the reason why for the past year I have been trying desperately to find the right ADHD medication (more on this later). ADHD is possibly one of the biggest time-wasters there is, and I’m tired of living my life the way I am when I try so hard every goddamn day to use my time wisely and fail miserably because my brain doesn’t have all the chemicals it needs. This is why I am a bit frustrated with Chris at the moment (more on this later too). Like, we do not have all the time in the world!!! What are you waiting for!!!!???? Wake up!!!! There is no better time than the present to get things moving along!!! None of us know when our last day on this earth is going to be. Like why are we always waiting and waiting and waiting when literally the next day isn’t even guaranteed?? There is only the present moment always. That’s all there ever is. We are all foolish to believe we have an infinite amount of time before us. Time itself is endless, but it will end for each of us. At least on this physical plane. We’re not guaranteed 80 or 90 years on this planet. We don’t all get that lucky, and it’s time to really wake up to that fact if we haven't already.

This year so far has been pretty shitty. I was sick with a really bad virus two days before new years, and stayed sick two weeks into January. I didn’t even take off, which I think prolonged my sickness, because I didn’t want my boss to have to be by himself since Joyce was only working sporadically because of what was going on with Craig and her husband. That first week was brutal, and I feel bad because being sick kept me in my ego more than I like. I kept rationalizing that Craig would be fine, and I felt a bit bitter for having to work, even though really I could have just taken off a day or two and my boss would have been fine by himself. I am not usually like that, and I have some guilt over feeling that way while my friend was much worse off - dying, in fact. Then Craig passed, my illness faded into just a cough, and there was a week and a half where I was just grieving. Then two days after Craig’s viewing, I started not feeling well. Turned out I had contracted covid for the very first time in my life. I also realized a few days later that the day my symptoms started showing was the 9 year anniversary of my suicide attempt. Go figure. I took off the rest of the week, though I did try to work one day but felt too sick to continue. That leads us to this past week, where I having been slowly getting back to feeling better, but I continued to test positive up until Thursday, so yesterday was the first day in almost two weeks since I left my apartment. So yeah, that’s been my new year. A lot of people have been sick though, and my friend (Amanda) that I was supposed to see today has also been dealing with back-to-back illnesses in her own household. There have been some positives, mainly due to my utter determination to make big changes in my life this year. If not for my own attitude and determination, I’d feel way more dejected than I currently do. Amanda and I were supposed to see Lisa Frankenstein together, which I had invited Chris first to go see with me, but he never got back to me on it. I didn’t want to follow-up because while he said he would definitely go, a part of me knew it wasn’t a priority for him to make it happen, so as the movie date drew closer, I made plans with Amanda. I put out on Snapchat if anyone was able to go to to let me know since my friend had to cancel, and my one friend did say he could go if I changed the time, but after sleeping on it, I decided to just go alone. I really wanted to see the movie in theaters, but it’s only showing for a week, and for some reason while I originally wanted to go with someone special, albeit Chris or a good friend, in the end I just wanted to be alone. So I went to the movies by myself feeling okay, but then I left wishing I had someone *cough*Chris*cough* else there with me. The movie was so cute and it put me in a romantic sort of mood, I guess. I feel like being sick helped me not focus on too many things except maintaining a determined mindset to keep going despite current circumstances, but now that being sick is (hopefully) over, I am left with an empty feeling of sorts. I am not where I want to be, and my life currently has taken several turns that I wish it hadn’t: my friend is dead, my mental health is still a struggle, Scott has been reaching out to me again, and I’m fairly positive I somehow ruined things with Chris before they even began.

I already talked about Craig, and I don’t really have much more to say about my ADHD aside from the fact that I’m trying my best to find solutions and have only made a tiny bit of progress. I am finally getting the pharmacogenetic testing done, though it wasn’t covered fully by my insurance like I was led to believe, and I have had to wait to do it since I had covid. Nevertheless, I’m hoping it can help me find the right meds and dosage. This has been a struggle all my life, but I am determined to get to a balanced mental state where I can live as close to neurotypical as possible. It's going to happen this year because I am doing everything in my power to make it happen. I've also been researching and trying to find ways that I can help myself more. Some stuff hasn't stuck, but other things are showing potential, so I'm hopeful about that as well.

So I guess that leads us to Scott now. I was really hoping that by now this man would be completely irrelevant in my life, and for the most part, he is. The only internal connection I feel towards him is the lingering trauma I have from him, but now he keeps trying to reinsert himself into my life, which is partially my fault since I told him we could still be friends. When I told him last summer I didn’t want to try again, I made it very clear so that there was no room for him to interpret my words differently. I know that being direct is the best approach and that’s what I wanted to do since I didn’t want him to think there would ever be a chance of us happening again. Then, out of kindness, I said we could still be friends. I didn’t think he’d actually try to talk to me because he never put in much effort previously when we were in a “situationship”. (Side note: I really despise that word, but I don’t know what else to call our previous situation aside from that, so unfortunately that’s the word I have to use here.) Since then, he has occasionally responded to my snap stories when I post a selfie, sending me bitmoji stickers telling me I look good or whatever. I have always just responded with “Thanks!”, no emojis or anything beyond that, in the hopes that he will see that I truly do not have any feelings left. His birthday was back in January, and I remembered the day of, so I figured I would be nice and just tell him Happy Birthday. I should have known better, I really, really should have, but I guess I have yet to learn that being nice does not always pay off. After I wished Scott a Happy Birthday, he continued to message me, and then asked me for a selfie. Before responding, I remembered how it was a special birthday for him: it was his 50th. Then, with that knowledge, I told him no 😊. Stacy told me to send him a picture of Weasley’s butt, but he isn’t even deserving of that much. Scott then proceeded to message me for the next two Fridays asking if he could come hang out. I turned him down the first Friday by saying I had to get up the next day for Craig’s viewing and just wanted to rest and go to bed early. He didn’t know Craig had passed. I thought someone from my work would have told him since he’s still in contact with a bunch of people from there, but I guess not. Then he tried to be all supportive and whatnot, which annoyed me. He never previously gave a fuck about anything I went through and never had any kind encouragement when I was going through something. The fact that he treats me like I am some idiot is honestly what annoys me the most about him reaching out to me. I know he isn’t genuine and that he’s doing it in the hopes that eventually it will benefit him in some way. The second Friday he reached out, I told him I had Covid. He didn’t reach out yesterday, thankfully, but I do need to think about how I want to approach this if he asks again. So far, I have had legitimate excuses, but I do not know what I want to say next time. I still have his beers in my fridge; they are on my top shelf, which is as high up as it can go and therefore rarely gets used. Also, ADHD keeps me from not doing things I should do immediately, like dumping beers from a guy I used to see but no longer have any interest in reconnecting with. Actually, screw him. I’m gonna go dump them right now. Okay, I’m back. They were expired anyway, but while I was typing this I realized I truly do not want to see him again. I had toyed with the idea of just letting him come over so that I could make it clear, yet again, that I truly have zero interest in this being anything at all, but then I realized that I have already given this man so much of my time and I do not owe him any more of it. I want to work through the trauma and be able to move forward without worrying about this anymore.

This brings me around to Chris. I don’t think I’ve written about him since my last appointment, aside from posting about him telling me he’s single and that we should go out on a date. That was around mid-December. He did reach out to me when he saw me in my dress at my friend’s wedding, but beyond giving me a few compliments, he didn’t seem to have much interest in continuing the conversation. I reached out to him two times since then and pretty much got the same reaction from him. He is clearly not a phone person, which I already deducted, and that’s fine. I had tried to set up us meeting up twice so that I could get to know him better, but so far it hasn’t happened. Logically, I know it couldn’t have. It was the holiday season and then I have spent the entirety of this new year either physically sick or sick with grief, so it would have been impossible for us to meet up even if we scheduled something. Even if he really did want to see Lisa Frankenstein with me and we set it up, he might not have been comfortable being around me since I had covid, even though I tested negative two days ago. It was the way he responded to me asking him to go that has me confused, and I’m not sure if I’m overthinking it. He said he would definitely be interested in seeing something like that, that it’s cool it was playing near my apartment (which I mentioned), then he said he hopes we get snow and that he hopes I have a wonderful day. It was weird. It’s nice he told me to have a wonderful day, but then I’m wondering if he said that just to end the conversation. I’m not sure. I post on my Snapchat stories about once a week or so, and I noticed he hasn’t viewed any for at least the past month. I think I’m not going to post on there for awhile until I’m sure I won’t have any anxiety about this. I don’t know how to describe how I feel except as patiently impatient. I am not a patient person, but I will wait nonetheless, and I won’t be super obvious about my impatience. I don’t want my mind to continue to circle around to Chris, but I can’t help it. It just happens. I place a lot of focus on myself and my own life and making the improvements that I need to (or well, trying to, anyway), but my heart keeps guiding my attention back towards him. I am completely enamored, even now, despite there not being much contact between us. I know it can’t happen yet because I still have a few things to sort out, but my progress on those things has been painfully slow. I keep feeling like until those things are taken care of, nothing can happen with Chris either, which frustrates me. I am not even certain whether anything can happen between us at all. I am just hoping for the best at this point.

One of the biggest barriers is my lingering trauma from Scott. Scott always made me feel like I was asking for too much by wanting to talk to him or for him to come over. With Chris, this has manifested as me hesitating in reaching out too often, and it’s gotten to the point where I also feel like me reaching out is burdening or annoying him. To be clear, he hasn’t explicitly made me feel this way, he just usually doesn’t say much back to me or continue the conversations. Scott did explicitly make me feel this way. He always told me he couldn’t talk, and when I would ask him to come over, which I only ever did every few months or so, he’d hesitate and then say he was tired or whatever. It took me a long time to realize that he kept mentioning people from our work he had talked to, and then I finally saw the situation for what it was: it wasn’t that he was busy or didn’t have time, he just wasn’t making the time for me. It got to the point where I realized that I was at the very bottom of his list of priorities, coming last, behind everything and everyone else. I started to feel like he could bump into a stranger on the street and he’d make more time for them than he did for me. I don't expect to be anywhere near the top of someone's list if we're not even in a relationship, but I feel like it's okay for me to not want to be in the very last space. Scott made me feel like that was asking too much, and I haven't been able to shake that feeling despite the situationship with him ending a year and a half ago. He was only ever eager to reach out when he was horny and wanted some pictures, and those were the only times he could ever even spare me a compliment, if you could even call it that. He would just tell me I was “hot”, but I never actually felt that way. He didn’t ever make me feel pretty or valued, so his “hot” was always meaningless and unsexy. I’m glad we never had sex, at least. That probably would have done some damage too.

When Chris told me before he’s “busy”, of course my mind circled back around to all this. I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I thought Chris was very much deserving of that. He was, at the time at least, the only full-time dental hygienist at his work since the other two quit, and I know he is on two hockey teams; both of these things he told me at my last appointment with him. There have been so many parallels between the two situations with them, which has been really confusing for me. I am not sure if it all has been unfortunate coincidences or if it’s really the same stuff repeating all over again. There’s been so many things that I don’t think I could remember them all even if I tried to list them all out right now. That being said, they are two completely different people, which is great for Chris. I feel like I can trust him, and I never felt that way with Scott. With Scott, the deceitfulness and the selfishness, while shocking to me at the time, lined up with who he is. I don’t know Chris that well, but being this deceitful, selfish person just doesn’t fit him. At all. I could tell from day one that he is a genuinely good guy, and that was something I felt before I was even willing to acknowledge my romantic interest in him. Also, both situations have been incredibly different as well, even despite the comparisons my mind keeps making. I want to stop thinking about it and just focus on healing. There are some meditation techniques I want to practice to help me out, and journaling is always super cathartic. So is writing poetry, but I haven’t yet gotten around to the poem I want to write to process everything with Scott. Hopefully soon.

It’s weird because I am always a what-is-this-trying-to-teach-me person, but I haven’t been able to do that in quite some time. I think I am just tired. I have been single for over 6 years now, mostly by choice to focus on improving myself, and while I haven’t regretted that choice at all, I am kind of tired of it at this point. I don’t want to just be with anyone, because that would never satisfy me, but I am ready to grow alongside someone now. I don’t think I am 100% there yet, as I’ve already mentioned, but I’m getting there. It’s just my impatience again, asking “Are we there yet?” despite there being a few more miles until we reach our exit. I really am at a loss for words on how to describe this feeling. I wouldn’t say I’m lonely because that’s not entirely accurate. It’s more of a type of yearning, I guess. I don’t know why, but I have felt this really strongly since my last appointment with Chris. It’s strange. I feel like it has probably been building since I first met him, but for whatever reason after seeing him last time, it has reached its full capacity. It is like this low hum now that is constant. I can’t turn it off. Even when I’m not thinking about Chris and am preoccupied with my day-to-day life, it is a feeling that is still there all the time. I always feel this way; even if I’m not consciously acknowledging it, it’s always there. I can’t make sense of it to be honest. I have never felt this way before and I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve been asking myself recently what I can do, what lesson is here, trying to get myself back into that mindset, but the only thing I can come up with is to keep working on myself. But I’ve been doing that and it hasn’t changed anything, so then I think maybe it’s not that, but that I have to find peace on my own first. I have to shift into a certain state, and then everything will right itself. I have done that before, so I know I can do it again, it’s just that the previous time I was able to make that internal shift, it went to hell because covid happened. I didn’t build up a strong enough foundation to sustain that state while a worldwide pandemic happened and I was trapped inside 24/7 with my abusive mother. That’s understandable though, but this time I know I need to make that shift permanently, to give myself the tools and build the foundation well this time so that I can withstand anything. I won’t be immune to life’s happenings, but I will be able to face them and approach them from a place of love. I don’t want to think about the outcome of that, of whether that is the key needed to me finally moving forward romantically, but there is this part of me telling me that once I do get there again, everything will begin working out, better than I can even currently imagine. I find that once I even start thinking about any outcomes at all, I don’t even care, then I remember that any life benefits I get from that isn’t even the point. The point is my existence. The point is me reaching that place because that’s what I need, and that’s what the world needs. That’s what matters more than anything else. In those moments where I do remember that purpose, everything feels okay again. I’m going to be okay. I know I’m going to be okay.

Edits: Adding my edits down here because it's too much effort atm to go back through and find where to add them. I want to clarify a few things, the first being that saying I'm frustrated with Chris isn't entirely accurate. I don't mean that in the way it sounds. The more appropriate word would probably be "disappointed", though I guess that also doesn't sound great lol. I would feel much better about things if there was even the tiniest bit of communication. He mentioned a date, interacted with me a few more times, and now has seemingly dropped off the face of the earth. I would wait for as long as he needs, but knowing why I am waiting would help with that. I just really don't like disappearing acts, because then I start to wonder if I did something wrong, or if he lost interest, or if there's someone else, or if I'm just being ghosted. I could ask, which I briefly considered, but idk how "what's the hold up" would sound in a message. I don't want to sound impatient or pushy, especially because I am willing to wait, but leaving me completely in the dark after showing so much interest in me is also kinda a shitty thing to do. I would be understanding no matter what it is. On the flipside, I am still appreciative of this time to tie up some lose ends in my life and tackle some lingering problems that would affect me starting anything with anyone. So there is still that.

Right now more than anything, I'm frustrated with myself. So many things have been dragged out for so long, despite my determined efforts to move forward. I am trying to be more patient and understanding with myself, because honestly, I'm the person I need to give that to the most. This week I have been trying to really give myself to space to process things I haven't been able to because of all of the chaos going on since at least last summer. It's difficult, but only because it's hard to find the time right now. I fell behind on so many things since I have spent 4 out of 6 weeks this year physically sick and incapable of doing pretty much anything. I've been doubling up on trying to get stuff done, which doesn't always happen because of my ADD, but even when it does, there's still a mountain of things to take care of, more than there was previously. I feel like there's so many big things I'm trying to tackle, especially in regards to processing past traumas, which I started years ago. There has been so much trauma in my life that untangling it all, processing it, and healing it is pretty much a non-stop ongoing thing. Then there's my mental health, with me trying one medication after another to try and find something that fits, and even then, ADHD meds are so high-risk, it's a tug of war in my brain trying to determine if it's worth it. But then I see the tiniest improvements where I can function at even the smallest fraction of a how neurotypical person does, and Idk how I can ever go back to unmedicated. It makes me want to cry. I have spent my entire life battling mental illness, and there seems to be no end to trying to stabilize myself. I had my first panic attack when I was 6, then eating disorders started a few years later, then the depression, which I think was secondary to something else, then the ADD for as long as I can remember. I see very clearly how I have really never been thriving, but that's only because I spent so much of my life focused on surviving. I didn't get to start at the same starting point as many others because of my brain. And I'm tired. I'm so tired. I just sent back my swab today for my pharmacogenetic test. I'm hoping those results can help me find the better balance of meds that will work for me. I still would like to try Strattera again, but my psych wants to hold off on that for the time being. Taking natural stuff is a difficult path to navigate because I'm on a TCA, which interacts with so many things. Even the ADHD meds I can be on are very limited because of interaction risks. I need the TCA for my bladder though, so as of right now, I can't be off it. Maybe one day, but my current finances don't leave me a ton of room right now to navigate testing a ton of products to see what works and what doesn't. Plus, I'd also have to be prepared to tackle my anxiety and depression completely naturally if I went off the TCA, which I am also not currently equipped to do. Everything is just such a long process, and everything interconnects. I don't plan on staying on all these meds the rest of my life, but as of right now where I'm currently at, I really, really, really could use full functionality like I've never known before. It would help me out incredibly with so much of what I'm currently trying to get in order.

I'm also trying to implement new routines and habits, make time for things I love, and tackle decluttering, organizing, and maintaining my entire living space. I'm also doing this thing where I'm writing a new poem everyday this year, which I've somehow kept up despite the days I was really sick. Those were haiku days lol. But I also would love to speed along my more personal poems that I've been writing for forever to process past traumas. Writing poetry really helps me think over, process, and get out everything I need to, so it's a great healing tool for me. My problem is that I mull over each word, making sure everything is accurate to how things how happened, and that the overall feeling of the poem accurately captures the essence and energy of that time in my life. It's not stuff I can write in a day and be done with. Also, I overthink everything, if that wasn't already apparent lol. I think I might seriously take a vacation in March if I'm feeling mentally well enough where I know I can be healthily productive with my time off.

Anyway, I feel better adding in all these little tidbits that have been sitting on my brain that I didn't get to the first time around. I think there was more. Actually, there was definitely more, but I'm too tired right now to think or care. I'll deal with those thoughts later. Editing officially over. 😎

#yay super duper long post #personal #craig #amanda #chris #we are only like 6 weeks into the new year and it has been absolutely insane #i need like 12 vacations #back to back #i was skimming this back over and need to do some hella edits later #no one read this yet plz lol #if anyone actually does #okeeee #edits are done #added at the end

[notyouraveragebozo]

Note 7/21/2023

A small business responds to the NASA + AARO (All-Domain Anomaly Resolution Office) UAP Independent Study Team Report of May 31, 202 Take -TWO (This is the Second, more reflective, response after the one posted here on tumblr on June, 2, 2023). From: the desk of Unique Destinations Enterprise –  CEO/COB

To: science.nasa.gov/uap and everyone who would like to understand better, and who read the following message,… (This message comes after a total of 5 full-listens, of the 4-hour long NASA YouTube presentation.)

We had a small following on the corporate tumblr account, but after posting the first – long – response to the UAP Meeting,… We found corporate tumblr account followers dropped-off. We apologize if anyone took offense. We (did/do) NOT intend denigrate those seeking to ‘grow in understanding’. We posted the Red Curtain Tour video to Our Home page (4/16/2023), – 836 days after  – We first went LIVE to the World – and 3 days before  – AARO spoke to Congress (4/19/2023). (We had hopes that this new material would have been  ‘mentioned’.  Harassment of truth seekers – was/is – not – Our aim. We have taken pains to try to be as transparent, and forthright as possible.)

Being a VERY small company, it is a daily challenge to distance and/or ‘filter’ business matters promos/plans/ and intentions, from – public ‘expression’ – of ‘personal views’ on things. (And proof-reading and editing – are big challenges – as well.)

Let me begin by saying to – all – that I have great respect for those who seek after knowledge. Those who advance Science, and those who serve in Academia, informing and inspiring future generations… I whole-heartedly endorse.

(The following is a short and incomplete bio.) I grew up with NASA and the Space Age. The oldest of four boys (with five years span between – first and fourth.) I was privileged to travel for three weeks each summer as a kid, (up until my senior year), due to my father’s Hospital Administration work. We traveled/camped in many State and National parks each summer, and traveled through many states, (about 23), and I visited many museums, libraries, and monuments. – I had a very enriched experience as a youth.) The asthma would make camping hard, at nights, but the things I saw and experienced,…I was very pleased and grateful, to experience – all of the things and places my parents enabled me to witness and take-‘in’

In elementary school, I had as a classmate – the niece of one the Apollo One crewmembers. I was the space cadet/class-clown and she was like – a movie star to me. (She was so pretty!) I was a slow-blooming student, with ADDHD, asthma, (and was socially awkward with peers - having so many brothers - to occupy my life.) I tended to be more comfortable with rocks than with people.

My asthma kept me ‘immobile’ a lot,… I grew up in front of the TV. Nature shows like: ‘Marlin Perkins and Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom’; ‘The Undersea World of Jacques Cousteau’;   ‘The Wonderful World of Disney’; and many hours of Science Fiction TV shows, like: ‘Time Tunnel’; ‘Johnny Quest’; ‘My Favorite Martian’; ‘20,000 Leagues under the Sea’; ‘Twilight Zone’, ‘Lost in Space’; ‘It’s About Time’; ‘Star Trek’ – and many others. I brought the role-playing game Dungeons and Dragons to my High School when I was a Junior. (My family was a family of ‘nerds’.) My brothers, coming-up, after me, learned from my mistakes – and each made Phi Beta Kappa in college.

I started my collegiate education by failing-out – after 1 1/2 years,… – but – after that VERY expensive ‘learning’ experience,…  I returned to school – and was made valedictorian of the third largest school in my state. (I had joined the Marines after ‘failing-out’ – in order to grow in discipline.) (I currently stand at having connections to 14 post-secondary institutions.)

I am also a life-long rock-hunter/fossil-collector/and artifact-seeker. It has long been my nature to look for ‘patterns’ and rationale, for ‘Why?’, ‘What?’, ‘Where?’,  and ‘How?  – and thinking about ‘What to do?’ – with what is noticed by my eye. The asthma, kept me ‘still’ and able to focus on my surroundings, and the ADDHD kept me ‘searching’.

When I rock-hunt – I search – with ‘intention’  – (as well ‘joy’ and ‘hope’, in serendipitously discovering things ‘special’ enough to go into my bucket.) I try to gauge the environment, I look for clues that might inform my searching. My eyes scan, and my brain ‘decodes’ the – ‘favorability quotient,…  – continuously ‘assessing’ – each rock’s ‘potentiality’ – against – the ‘leaverite’.

I have had to physically ‘weigh the merits’ of having a beautiful 68.4 lbs. boulder of fossil fern impressions at my home – versus – the ‘pressing’ reality of having to shoulder the boulder to the car, in 105 degree heat, a half-a-mile away,… – uphill – (But hey,.. it’s what rock hounds do.) – I’ve had to contemplate logistics, as many times as I have had adventures.

I am trying to say, that in my days, on this beautiful, blue, miraculous, marble,…  I’ve spent many long hours in silent contemplation, utilizing the elements of the Scientific Method:  – making observations; collecting data; and developing hypotheses – (by having my mind open, to take – second – closer looks – to scrutinize – clear my eyes,  look, again, and again, and again,… and, review, ‘it-all’,… and,… I come to revise the ‘angle’ of my ‘understanding’…. until I am either satisfied – that I figured something ‘new‘ – out, or,… if I can go no further at the moment, then I’m stuck at a point, and…   I’m left to question   – wanting more data,… more ‘input. This is how I process, make sense, and deal with my world.

55 months ago, while virtually wandering this World, as one would a beach – but utilizing satellite imagery – in place of eyes upon the ground,… potentially ‘novel‘ information – was first encountered.

This Intellectual property, is at the heart of the small, veteran-owned/operated company, A Urumalli, U Macinasar, G Entum – Unique Destinations Enterprise.

It took two years of patient, solo, silent study, and the deepest of cogitation, (and three website developers) – before finally being able to turn the website, UniqueDestinations.org  –  ‘On’, and…  an Opportunity – ‘the likes of which, the World had never known’,   was – first broadcast – to the citizens of this planetary paradise.

With that being said,… to the meat of the matter’ at hand… as to UAPs  – (Unidentified Anomalous Phenomenon)

Regarding UAPs,… Unique Destinations Enterprise and UniqueDestinations.org CANNOT talk about: ways to improve sensor and detector methods;  safeguarding air travel; mitigating space junk; or discussing the ‘goings-on’ in the sky today, that cannot be explained. However, We find ourselves in a position to contribute to the understanding, of a specific subset of UAP investigational lines of query.

Unique Destinations Enterprise and UniqueDestinations.org can offer insight into that, which is – proposed to be observable – at a certain, specific, geophysical, latitude/longitude location, – (in-situ!)

It is not a trivial side-point, to mention, that what appears - as ‘observable’, – appears to have 'occasioned' – a VERY long time ago! Should this be found evident,… (the possible – ‘vast’ – age),… it is conceivable to think,…  that – coupled – with the sightings of stuff moving around in the sky today,… – this OLD(?) thing – could inform us-all of – some (very interesting information).

I understand – that at the time of this meeting, Dr. Nadia Drake, was speaking, as she knew things to be ‘true’, when she iterated the corollary…  ‘to date in the referred scientific literature, there is no conclusive evidence suggesting an extraterrestrial origin, for UAP’.

Dr. Drake,… you spoke the truth, but just because certain supportive evidence for ‘claims’, are not ‘in-the annals’ or ‘in-hand’ (by the meeting date) – does not mean, that – evidence – does not – ‘exist’ – to be recorded in much clearer imagery in the near future.

During the May 31st, UAP Roadmap to Investigative Research – Framework Development meeting,… several phrases were mentioned repeatedly: ‘a needle-in-a-haystack’; ‘extraordinary claims requiring extraordinary proof’; and ‘without sufficient data, we are unable to reach defendable conclusions’.

In my life, also courtesy of NASA,   I have heard, (voiced in real-time 54 years ago!), the thrilling adage, – “One small step for a man, and one giant leap, for mankind.”

For 55 months now, I have been in a very unusual - and I feel very privileged position,… to be the ‘shepherd’ – of a new possibility – a new ‘opportunity‘ for everyone.

If you seek ‘possible’ leaps in learning,… regarding the nature of this Universe,… and to seek to find solutions to the pressing: Climate issues; Energy issues; and matters of ‘Food, Shelter, and the remedies to the Human ills of the ‘heart’ and of the mind,…besides looking – as far, far away as you can possibly see – to take it – all  – in… UniqueDestinations.org, would have it be understood, that amazing things abound – right here – under our noses! Things wondrous, and miraculous,   just wait to be discovered - and learned about.

To start to learn about any new thing, we all are taught the ‘basics’, and when we are informed,… it is from – a ‘certain point’ – a place of ‘beginning’,… – putting all growing/searching/hungry minds, on the ‘same page’.

The Home page of UniqueDestinations.org – is a great place to begin to learn about possible novel data.

We await the ‘validity test‘ – that We had ‘couched' in a ‘dream opportunity’ – for those who could ‘dream-without-restraint’. We had offered – a unique opportunity to entertain thoughts both –  boggling – and – remarkable. We offered an ‘Adventure‘ -(‘everything that it takes – to cobble together an expedition – actively wrapping one’s mind around the ‘What-ifs’?, and ‘What-nows’? that come about, when contemplating – ‘walking up and rapping on the door.’ (All that would go through such an ‘experiencing’ mind,…  that – experience,…  – will be the – ‘Tale‘ – they will tell – forever!)

We offered – the opportunity to ‘dream’ dreams – in such a way, as to try to – ‘move and inspire, and fill one’s being, and life, with a renewed sense of awe, wonder, respect, and purpose,’… or,… just to have some new – EXPENSIVE – memories made.

We offered the ‘deepest of human dreams’. A supreme adventure – full of ultimate cogitation

After the recent tragedy at sea with those travelers into the cold, dark, unknown,… We are rethinking the logistics required, in a second  auction presentation. Do We repeat, as We had shared before? Or, might there be,… tweaks?         

With 99 pages of unredacted text, 11 more stills, and one more movie,… the Deep-Dive materials help provide for ‘clarity’ in one’s personal opinions.

Just how the Coordinates are moved upon, is still – up for consideration. In the eventual dissemination of my ‘dreamy’ directions – it is my most fervent hope – that this material not be swept under a rug, and hidden-away.

Any collaboration  would be with Science, Academia, Industry , here in America, and Internationally.  – (This is thinking – hypotheticals – out-loud.)

As one of 8,000,000,000 people on this planet, I felt a duty to share, what this ‘citizen’ saw. I felt everyone must have a chance to comprehend, if they so choose. So I was tasked to make things readable in many tongues – to minimize any miscommunication.

If you want to make some headway in Your UNDERSTANDING… You know where to go for the Coordinates of Conundrum – the Directions to a ‘Dream’  – an adventure – of rarest sort. We can point to where you begin your Journey into Tomorrow, – the place to start  – to learn more.

We have a new Facebook profile: ‘Unique Destinations Enterprise’ – (it is still in its early days and rudimentary.) I have been notoriously hard to contact,  We have email: [email protected] We have tumblr @UniqueDestinationsEnterprise Plurk @UniqueDestinationsEnterprise, YouTube @uniquedestinationsenterpri7973; and @UniqueDestinations.org on TikTok.

For those who seek to understand how it – all – 'first began' – (whatever that means),… Remember the Bard – ‘There are more things in heaven,… and on Earth, Horatio,… than are dreamt of, in your philosophy.’ (FYI: When I had first experienced higher education, and had failed-out -I was studying Philosophy.) But,… like John Cleese, had eventually exclaimed,… ‘I got better’.

I have grown in my understanding over time. I have had wonderful experiences in my days - as I have had bad ones, – but – knowing what I do – now,… I would not use the ‘Time Tunnel’  to travel back in Time to tell myself – even – five words! I would endure everything – all over again – to be in the position – I find myself in – today.   I am not a comic book, or an AI fabrication. I am flesh and blood human that saw ‘something’ and took the chance. I created an opportunity to grow, and I shared it for free,  with everyone having a cell phone and access to the internet. In the time since going LIVE – 12/31/2020, I sought to improve comprehensibility in 104 languages and spoken English voice! I have added a verbal Back story element after the self-proclaimed ‘free speech absolutist’ SILENCED my CEO Twitter account.

I have added a Red Curtain Tour video, and have a Director’s Den page that reflects on the First auction attempt. Since Halloween of 2022 – I have shared one element of my Post Script messages – intended to be held back for after the GPS Coordinates sale, (but due to the human element of the message, I could not risk staying silent, in case of losing the human opportunity to ‘connect’.

As of this posting, I can offer coffee mugs to consumers – globally – (for reduced shipping and increased speed in problem resolution.)

With coffee mugs available,… the next step before the Coordinates are dealt with,… I am tasked with finding an Art gallery home for my image,  ‘Abstracting Enigma’.

 And then, to the meat of the conversation, as far as UAP go,…

Unique Destinations Enterprise and UniqueDestinations.org can address the extraordinary claim of – a ‘possible, ancient, crashed, flying-saucer’.

Validity and Verification await those bold enough to move forward and explore.

At the time-mark (3:53:44), Dr. David Spergel stated,… ’I think this is an opportunity for Citizen Science’. - I do not know if he was referring to me, specifically, but I know, We DO have the ‘GEEPS’ – (GPS data.)

Thank you for listening to this long post.  No slight is intended, however I am sensitive to those that belittle the pursuit of new information, and those who would amplify ‘fear’ and ‘loathing’, over making new discoveries and advancements.

This is the Second – (more studied) – response, to the NASA + AARO UAP Investigational framework-building, ‘Road Map’ for Studying  Anomalous Phenomenon presentation, of 5/31/2023.

I thank you for having the patience to read this message.

Respectfully, the small business Unique Destinations Enterprise and UniqueDestinations.org, – (The place where dreams and reality, may meet),… and,… –( a ‘needle’ – may be parted, from – a ‘haystack’).

(This letter is posted here for transparency and will also be directly sent to the NASA UAP website.)

#ufo #uap #uap report #nasa #science #science history #opportunity #paradigmshift #future #space #truth is stranger than fiction #truth #astrophysics #novel stuff #discovery #history #vr headset #mugcollector #long post #long reads

[cjsinkythoughts]

Not Your Captain

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Word Count: 1695

Warnings: Falcon and the Winter Soldier Spoilers!!!!! Lots of Angst in this one, guys, lotta feels, some Fluff to counterbalance it, but mostly Angst, Cursing

A/N: This is Part Two to my previous FATWS writing, His Only Contact. FATWS SERIES STERLIST HERE! This one is from Reader’s perspective and gives you a bit more about Reader’s backstory. There will be multiple parts coming out in the next day or two based just on this new episode because damn. It was loaded!  Due to this and my workload this past week, I haven’t been able to post the first chapter of my College!AU, Erased From the Stars, but I promise it’s coming! This’ll be my main focus for the weekend though! Expect more parts in the next 24 hours! I’ll be making a masterlist for this particular project in that time, too! Taglists are open! Please contact me if you want to be tagged! Thank you and please enjoy, loves! (Not beta’d, so sorry for mistakes!)

AGAIN: SPOILERS UNDER CUT!

The moment you saw it on TV, you knew you had to get to Bucky. You weren’t planning on leaving until the next day, but there was no way you weren’t going. So you caught the first plane you could from the base you were staying at.

You’re feelings were all over the place. Steve had been your best friend for more than the past decade. You were the one there when he first woke up. You were the one to help him get situated. You were the one to help him whenever he needed, to go over to his little place in DC when he was having problems, like the time he thought he was having an asthma attack when it was an anxiety attack or when you had to help him find a new phone after he accidentally broke his.

You were that close to falling in love with him. But life went the other way and, in a weird twist of fate, almost as if the universe wanted to spare you of the heartbreak it knew would come if you gave your heart to the dashing captain, you ended up tripping over your own feet for someone else.

Someone you would never tell.

He was the last thing you had left of Steve and you couldn’t ruin that because of your stupid feelings. And you couldn’t ruin the relationship you had now because it was working. He trusted you, more than anyone else. He trusted you because Steve trusted you and you wouldn’t dare break that trust.

You just hoped, with everything going down in relation to the shield - to his legacy - that you’d be able to keep that promise you made to yourself.

You were in front of his door early in the morning - around four - hesitating to knock. It didn’t take long for him to respond the moment your fist did meet the door.

He looked…tired. You wished, oh how you wished, that you could do more. Anything more. He insisted you helped him plenty already; he claimed he never had nightmares when you were by his side. But it wasn’t enough. Not for what he’d been through. You felt as though you were merely putting a bandaid over a bullet wound.

His chocolate locks were short, above his ears. You could remember how hesitant yet eager he was about doing it. It was difficult to not cut his ear off because he kept moving in anticipation. You would know: you cut it. Those blue eyes that made you trip in the first place were outlined by thick lashes, dark ebony bags beneath them, making the azure pop. He was shirtless, as he usually was when sleeping (or at least trying to sleep), his dog tags resting against his sternum. 

You could tell he hadn’t been sleeping. His eyes were bloodshot as if he was watching TV for too long and his hair was less messy than it would be if he actually slept.

The moment his eyes found yours, his plump, chapped lips turned up into the grin he reserved for you and he was pulling you in. Your reaction was instantaneous, your arms slipping around his waist, your chin resting on his shoulder as he found home in the crook of your neck.

He was touch deprived. You knew this, but you never brought it up. Especially considering you were one of the only people he touched willingly. You didn’t want him thinking he was broken, more so than he thought he was already. And you definitely didn’t want to push him into fixing himself. So you didn’t tell him, even though you were pretty sure he knew, and you just let him take the lead. 

Sometimes it meant he grabbed your hand in large crowds, or tucked you under his arm when he was threatened. Other times it meant laying his head in your lap when he was tired late at night, or a soft hug in greeting.

Hands slowly tracing his spine, fingers dancing up and down his back, you gave a small smile when you felt him practically purring in your embrace. You could never decide if he was more puppy or kitten. You used to make jokes about the three of them, Steve, Bucky, and Sam, being like a puppy, kitten, and bird that you had to reluctantly pet sit for a friend. You would give almost anything to be joking around like that with them when you went to visit Bucky in Wakanda with Steve.

“Buck?”

He hummed. You didn’t want to pull back, you wanted to stay connected with him for as long as possible, but you had to talk. You didn’t want to talk about it, because that would make it more real, but you had to. You had to.

“Have you seen the news recently?”

His eyebrows furrowed, his lips pulling down. “What happened? Is it Wanda?”

You looked down the hall, your lips pressed together tightly, before nodding inside. “We have to talk.”

He nodded, stepping back and pulling you inside. Seeing the makeshift bed on the floor against the far edge of the sofa made you inwardly sigh, but you didn’t say anything about it. Steve was the same way at first.

“Is she okay? Did you find her? Where-”

“It’s not Wanda.” Turning, you faced him, trying to control your own anger at the situation, knowing it wouldn’t help him any. “It’s…it’s about Steve.”

Those spectacularly blue eyes narrowed, bottom lip being sucked in between his teeth. “What about Steve?”

You gestured for him to come closer, holding out your hand in offering. He took it and followed you as you led him to the couch. A cleared throat and a deep breath later found you gently explaining what happened to him. That the government had taken back the shield and had given it to someone else. A ‘hero just for America’. A ‘new Captain America’.

You could see his features harden with every word, his jaw ticking dangerously, his chest heaving and his nostrils flaring. You squeezed his hand as you finished. “He’s got meetings and stuff with senators and governors. They’re taking him on a tour this week. They-they want me to meet him, considering I’m the last of the original seven. Active on Earth, at least.”

The tears that started forming in his eyes made you swallow your own emotions down thickly. He didn’t need your hatred of this wannabe to fuel his own. He needed your support and comfort. He needed to know you’d be by his side through this.

“Are you?”

You blinked, not expecting his first words to be that question. “Am I what?”

“Going to meet with him?”

“I-I…” You stopped talking, knowing that if you continued you’d end up ranting about how he wasn’t your captain. How he could never be your captain. Debating answers, you decided on a simple, blunt reply. “No.”

“Why…” 

Running your thumb over his knuckles, you leaned over slowly to press a chaste kiss to his bare skin and blood shoulder. “Take your time. Collect your thoughts.”

He responded to your words by taking a deep breath, clenching his eyes shut, his jaw so tight you feared he might chip his teeth. It was a tense minute before he said anything, the room being filled with his harsh breathing. “You said he gave them the shield.”

“What?”

“Yesterday. You told me he gave up the shield. They put it in the Smithsonian. But you just said they took it from him.”

“He did give it to them, but-”

“Why?” His eyes snapped open, his features twisting into ones of frustration and resentment. “Why’d he give it to them?”

You shook your head, knowing Sam didn’t mean for any of that to happen. He had called you a few weeks ago to ask about your opinion on the matter. You told him that Steve trusted him, and you trusted Steve, so if Sam thought that was the right thing to do…you trusted him. “It’s not Sam’s fault. Don’t be mad-”

“Don’t be mad?! Don’t be mad?!” Bucky shot up, ripping his hand away from yours, making you bite your lip and hang your head as he paced in front of you. “Steve gave it to him! And he just gives it away like he’s regifting a shitty frisbee as a Christmas present! And you don’t want me to be mad?! Are you fucking kidding me, Y/N?!”

Cringing at the use of your name, which you rarely hear fall from his lips, especially in vexation like just then, you looked up at him, eyes pleading. “Bucky, I get it. I do. I’m mad, too. I’m-I’m furious. But you can’t blame Sam. Please. He just - he’s trying, Buck. Just like me. Just like you. We’re all trying.”

Bucky’s shoulders fell as he stared at you, eyes darting from feature to feature as he studied your face. Before you could say anything else, he was on the floor in front of you, in between your legs, arms wrapped around your waist and face pressed into your stomach.

You could tell he was holding something back - something big - but you wouldn’t push him. You never did. Displaying feelings was always hard for him, even in the early 1900’s; Steve used to tell you stories when you were looking for him after the fiasco in DC. Bucky grew up being the oldest of four and the only boy. On top of that, his best friend was a scrawny, stubborn, punching bag of a boy. According to Stevie, neither of them really learned how to cope or how to deal with feelings. And it showed. Boy, did it show.

Instead of getting on him and asking what was wrong and begging for him to talk to you, your fingers tangled in his hair, nails scratching his scalp, as you sat back to make the position more comfortable for him.

“Stay with me. I need you.”

You leaned down to press a soft kiss to his head, nodding into his hair. “I’ll stay. For as long as you need me, Buckaroo.”

Taglist (OPEN):

@happygoreading​, @thatsdarwinism​, @satellitespidey​

#cjsinkythoughts #cjswriting #cjsspoilers #fatws spoilers #tfatws spoilers #falcon and the winter soldier spoilers #fatws #falcon and the winter soldier #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes x avenger!reader #bucky x avenger!reader #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes angst #cjsfatws #❤🐦💙🦾 #💙🦾 #💙🦾🥺 #fatws pt 2 #fatws series

[waddlenut]

Masterlist of the masterlist - Harry Styles

I HAVE WRITTEN NONE OF THESE FANFICS, CREDITS TO THE WRITERS!

This is a masterlist of my reblogs :)

ONE DIRECTION

Fluff -

He doesn’t want to take advantage of you while you’re drunk (5/5)

You fall asleep on hijm in front of the boys (5/5)

Angst - 

You get mobbed by paparazzi (Harry and Louis preference)

The one where your house is on fire and you are asleep (Niall preference)

You pass out (Niall)

Tiger (Niall finds his girlfriend looking in the mirror, judging her appearance)

HARRY STYLES

Fluff -

Choosing her (y/n overhears Harry sticking up for her)

The one where you have a huge fight and you are sick

Not your fault (fav. y/n has epilepsy and Harry feels helpless. TW - minor graphic description of an epilepsy attack)

Y/N is in a wheelchair and she is grocery shopping with Harry

Just talk (fav. y/n has a minor speech impediment and one of Harry’s friend makes fun of her for it. She doesn’t know how to react, Harry does.)

Tea mugs and tear stains (y/n gets overwhelmed and Harry helps)

Harry jokes about your moaning

A white t-shirt (Harry find out about y/n’s scars. TW - mentions selfharm/scars)

Y/N vomits down Harry’s gucci suit and Harry couldn’t give a shit (TW - throwing up)

Y/N falling in the shower and boyfriend!Harry getting ultra worried

You’re deaf and Harry is besotted with you

Cus y’laugh is pretty (in which Harry gets his wiskom teeth removed)

Y/N is stressed and Harry makes everything just a little bit better

Coming out to Harry as bisexual (good ending, no worries)

Sweater (y/n cold and steals Harry’s sweater)

Periods, pads and pain (Y/N is on her period)

Holding him (just pure love and affection)

He’s just jealous (fav. a small kids thinks Y/N is pretty and wants to sit with her)

My muse (TW - camille)

My hero (Harry being protective)

You’re poor and he doesn’t know

The best doctor (Y/N has chronic migraines)

First class (the one when Y/N and Harry meet during a long flight, and Harry makes a new little friend too)             part 2

Your best friend negatively talks about you and Harry’s relationship and he overhears

Your english is so good yet, and someone makes fun of it. Harry does not appericiate that

The best gift (fav. Y/N can’t afford Harry’s life style. angst w/ fluff)

Right place, right time (fav. When someone starts following the reader, Harry is the prince on a white horse)

Harry points you out at his concert             part 2                        part 3

Y/N has an asthma attack at Harry’s place

Y/N gets drunk and uses Harry’s dick as a microphone

Y/N is breastfeeding in public and a man started saying rude remarkt to her, Harry knows how te react (fav)

Families meet (one where Harry’s family and Y/N Mexican family meet)

Her good baby (fav. Y/N has been really busy with a family program and kinda forgets about Harry. That’s until he breaks)

Spill your guts or fill your guts (based on spill you guts or fill your guts with Harry and Kendall but instead of Kendall it’s you)

Harry think Y/N and the kids forgot his birthday (fav)

CEO!Harry bring this baby angel to work, all fun until she gets lost

Y/N accidentally eating Harry’s edibles

Harry just cannot believe how much he loves

Harry and Y/N’s first thanksgiving in their home and a little announcement

Candy Wrappers (Harry loves candy, that results in a house full of candy wrappers)

Harry dating a curvy girl

Y/N and Harry’s home birth doesn’t go as planned

Under the canyon moon (dad!harry blowing raspberries into bubs tummy but they get a rash)

Y/N is in London while he is LA during quarantine (fav)

Quarantining with dad!Harry and your bub

Harry feels neglected when Y/N spends lots of time with Anne

Pregnant (where you’re pregnant during the corona outbreak and Harry is super protective)

Sunflower vol.6: the fic (fav. Y/N has tourette syndrome and Harry falls in love)

Bad days and good days (Y/N has depression and Harry takes care of her. TW - mentions of depression)

Mornings with the Styles family

Y/N following Harry around the house because she got scared watching a movie

Better than melatonin (Harry’s songs help you sleep)

Harry doing baby bubs hair in the bathroom while she’s facetiming Mitch (fav)

Harry helps you through childbirth

Anasthesia and letting go (reader has gotten their wisdome teeth removed and Harry takes care of them)

Getting naked in front of Harry for the first time

Harry reads Y/N a story to help her drift off to sleep

Want a chicken nugget (you’re taking a shower and Harry, knowing your love for chicken nuggets, comes and gives you one)

Rainbow cardigan (Harry loses his favorite cardigan. You learn how to knit)

My shy little boy (Y/N’s son is too shy to play with other kids at Anne’s house)

Golden dancing (fav. Harry is on stage singing golden and little Artemis comes running on stage and starts dancing)

Daddy (Artemis calls Harry daddy for the first time)

The first meeting (Y/N and Artemis met a handsome (to Y/N) and intimidating (to Artemis) man)

Watermelon suger (behind the scenes) (Shots of long-term girlfriend Y/N in watermelon suger. TW - some strong language)

Roses and vanilla (in which Y/N and Harry aren’t really close until Y/N falls in the shower, and Harry falls in love)

Babbles (bubby crying during a show just to get Harry’s attention so they can go on stage and babble into the mic)

No kids (H and his partner deciding not to have children)

Toxic family (fav. The reader doesn’t have the best family, lucky for them, the Styles are basically their family)

Harry’s son runs on stage

Listen to me (fav. Autistic!reader has a difficult moment)

Angst -

You pass out backstage

You have paranoia disorder

Can you leave? (fav. ceo!harry)

Complains (In which Y/N heard Harry complainging about her)

Taken (your abusive ex tries to contact you when Harry’s away on your. (TW - name calling and slight violence)

Autistic!reader has an interview with Harry (fav)

You get into a car accident when Harry’s in the middel of a concert       part 2 

Too busy for a baby (TW - harry’s an asshole + mentions of pregnancy)

Y/N gets anxiety at one of Harry’s concerts. (TW - anxiety and guns are mentioned)

He kicks you out of the car. (fav)       part 2

Long way down (the one where she tinks he’s being unfaithful, and he questions the trust in their relationship. TW - mentions of creating and pregnancy complications)             part 2 

The one where you have a huge fight and you are sick

There’s a rumor being spread about you

Remember me (Harry forgets your birthday)

Harry calls Y/N clingy and she leaves

Harm done (fav. Y/N makes Harry food but he doesn’t even like it)

Harry coming home to find Y/N locked herself up in the washroom

Don’t touch her (you’re in the crowd and somebody touches you while Harry’s performing. TW - sexual harassment and mild assault)

Why would you keep something like this from me? (In which she’s been feeling umcomfortable and doesn’t tell Harry. TW - mentions of assault)

Y/N and Harry get in a bad argument and Y/N gets a panic attack (TW - panic attack)

And I can’t give that to you (fav. In which Harry suffers from seasonal depression ands he doesn’t know how to help)

So tired (you join Harry on tour but he seems to have other prirorites. Angst w/ fluff on the way)                part 2

You have self-esteem issues (TW - talking about low self-esteem)

Y/N has an anxiety attack at a concert and calls Harry (TW - anxiety attack)

Even if it was momentary (in which Harry is forced to watch his worst nightmare)

Little white lie (a television talk show host feels you up backstage and you don’t tell Harry. TW - sexual harassment)     part 2

He hides the fact that he’s sick on tour form you and insults you when you try to take care of him

There’s an intruder in her house (Harry comes home to find his girlfriend is being threatenend by an intruder. TW - some curse words, mentions of sex & just in general subject of break ins and panic)

Narcissistic behaviour (Harry loves to talka bout himself, but it’s suppose to be Y/N’s special day)

Miss you (where Y/N loses Harry’s rose ring and he gives them the silent treatment)

Dizzy (Y/N gets hurt on Harry’s watch. TW - fainting/passing out)

Happy birthday (in which Y/N throws Harry a suprise birthday party, but Harry ends up making her cry)

Harry comparing you to Camille

Exhaustedly in love (Y/N passes out as soon as Harry comes home from tour because she has been studying day and night)

Go home (in which Harry is jet lagged and you’re completely humiliated)    part 2

Get out (Y/N is done with Harry being busy with work all the time)       part 2

Anesthesia and apologies (fav) 

Y/N has a condition that makes her have seizures (TW - mentions of seizures)

Harry loses his baby angel while shopping

Harry complains to the boys about Y/N and his sex life       part 2

You’re in love with Harry but your self-doubt won’t believe he’s in love with you

Don’t shout (Harry doesn’t know what to do after he lied to Y/N)

Make it up to you (Harry loses his temper and almost hits you. TW - almost being hit by a lover and swearing)

I’ll get there (Y/N has been struggling with her body image ever since she was a teenager, but now that she was becoming a big time model, it had only gotten worse. TW - mentions of eating disorders and symptoms similair to those of a panic attack)

Smut -

Harry comes home to Y/N being in subspace but he doesn’t realize

Needy baby (the one where Harry’s bakc from tour and his girl really just needs to feel him)

Shower head

Harry gets emotional because he loves you so much

Taste my lips, feel my touch (Y/N’s stuck in subspace and Harry helps her out of it)

Where Harry is an asshole CEO but Y/N is his little love

Happy anniversary

Y/N goes into sub space when she is overwhelmed, but now it happend in public

Then again sometimes I get really sweet (TW - belly humping)

This cutest thing ever

Crossing the finish line

Right choice (Harry has a moustache now and you want get it sticky. TW - swearings, sexual intercourse and a sticky moustache)

Timing (Harry cumming early and he is upset and disappointed)

Cause I’m high, chewing on your taste (TW - Sub!Harry, H in fishnets and pegging)

Out in the heartland (It’s Harry’s birthday and you have a very special gift for him. TW - daddy kink, pegging, anal fingering and rimming)

#one direction masterlist #harry styles masterlist

[morganaspendragonss]

Med anon here to note that there is a post circulating about how Carlos can’t hold TK’s hand because of the hypothermia. First, I totally believe the show would do that, because they are Not. Good. with some of this med stuff, but that is absurd.

Second, the timeline is so screwy that I can’t really figure out how long it has been since anything happened (Marjan says it is Monday at Owen’s cabin in 3x01, Lindsey tells Paul it is Tuesday in 3x02, and there is no sense of continuity between storylines even though a bunch of characters have been in the same damn hospital). But, seeing as TK is not being actively rewarmed in any of hospital scenes/pictures and they don’t talk about an issue with his body temp in the ICU scene, it will have been many hours since he got to the hospital and he will have gotten to an acceptable core temperature. Everyone has had time to leave and change clothes and visit call centers. There should be no reason that holding TK’s hand would impact his body temperature in any way.

What is odder is that he wasn’t still being rewarmed in that first ICU scene. His hypothermia was severe enough that I can’t imagine he wouldn’t have needed rewarding with an ECMO or cardiopulmonary bypass.

Also, anyone reading this wondering why TK is worse off than the kid? The kid would be way worse off than shown—he would not have regained consciousness that quickly in the back of a van within a minute or two of starting ECMO. That takes awhile. Also, being in the water helped protect his brain from potential damage, so as long as he was resuscitated he would be unlikely to have neurological complications regardless of how long he was in there. It is kind of like being in stasis. The asthma might have closed off his airways and made it so less water got into his lungs, so drowning was not an additional issue.

For TK, he was in wet clothes too long and then naked and outside for an undetermined period of time, plus the amount of time it would have taken to get him back to an area where they could have transported him to the hospital…that is a lot. He would not have been revived in the field and it is unlikely the ambulance that picked him up would have had their own ECMO.

Complications are hard to determine based on length of exposure or time to revival (everyone needs to get warm first), so there won’t necessarily be good reasons why TK is having difficulty and the kid is on his way to recovering. However, TK is older and has a complicated medical history that may make it harder. Honestly, it is really hard to come back from a cardiac arrest completely fine, though opioid overdoses and hypothermia are instances with the best prognosis because of how that works systemically. I don’t know exactly what happened in 1x08 to make them worry about “brain issues” (none of that made sense) but dude has been through it.

yeah i've seen that post. the show totally would do it but it would be a stupid move when there's so much emotional angst potential. plus, yk, medical accuracy. though clearly that's not too high on the show's agenda. i wish things were a little more realistic but we can't have everything.

i have to say though jesus christ i do not care that tk is worse off than the kid. he was a means to get tk hurt. it's because of plot so i'm not going to waste my time caring. and also yes all the things you pointed out.

i'm sorry for being so short. i'm just very tired and not feeling great right now

#holly answers things #medical anons #s3 chat

[thebrixtons]

questions & answers about your oc!

i was tagged by the lovely @wa-royal-tea! i’m super late to this, but it was sm fun to do and a really good character writing exercise !! i’m tagging @nexility-sims, @thestenhams, and @evandroyals for this oc questions & answers tag game 💗

q&a is under the cut!!

1) What is your favorite sport?

Soccer! Or football, depending on where you’re from, I guess.

2) What is your favorite color?

Sage green. Everything in my bedroom is sage green! But I also like medium blue, like a Pantone dresden blue. Is that too specific?

3) What is your favorite movie?

That’s an easy one. Halloweentown, for sure.

4) Taken? Single?

Are you allowed to ask that? You are? Umm... next question, please.

5) What would be your perfect day?

Having my mama be home, since she’s always busy. She’d cook us all her Simyeon scallion pancakes for breakfast, and I’d play with my little brother, Rhys. If my papa’s not busy, we’d go down to the beach and play soccer for hours.

6) Are you a night owl or an early bird!

I’m an early bird. Usually, I’m the first to wake up in the morning.

7) Do you think you’re smart?

That’s a trick question, right? I guess I’m smart? I get better grades than my twin sister.

8) How do you like to be comforted when you’re sad?

I don’t like being alone when I’m sad. I want someone to distract me with macarons and mochi and make me laugh.

9) Where do you want to be in 5 years time?

In five years, I’ll be like 25 years old? And by then, I’ll have graduated university and started preparing to work as a full-time royal. I’d like to play soccer professionally but— uh, never mind. Where I want to be and where I’m going to be are different.

12) Do you have any regrets?

No, not yet! I hope I won’t have any.

13) Who are/is your best friends?

My twin sister, Lina, is my best friend. I feel like we understand each other better than other people do? But I’m also really close with my friends I met at boarding school. Ren, Arthur, Nora, and Penny! I love them. 

14) What was your dream last night?

Last night, I dreamed I fell into a puddle and was transported into this alternate reality. The sky was purple and there were monsters everywhere! I usually have really wild dreams... though they’re mostly nightmares.

15) Who in your family are you closest to?

Lina, obviously! I’m also really close with my papa.

16) What is the one thing people don’t know about you?

I have asthma. I try to control it as much as possible— and always take my medication— so that when I’m playing soccer or working out I won’t have an asthma attack.

17) Best present ever given to you?

When I was 12 years old, I went through an embarrassing photography phase. Mama bought me a brand new DSLR for Winterfest! I think it’s a Rikon, or something. I’m starting to get back into taking pictures of special moments and the people I love.

18) What is your favorite food?

Anything my mama makes. But my favorite would have to be her homemade dumplings. And we always have it with this secret sauce she makes. It’s the best thing I’ve ever tasted. I could cry thinking about it.

19) Earliest childhood memory?

I was like three years old, and I remember watching my papa look out the window. It was snowing. I think he hates the snow.

20) Do you have a crush?

I... do, but it’s none of your business.

21) If you could live in a different period, which one would it be?

I’d rather live in this time period. We have technology, cars, cellphones, and a modern understanding of hygiene. That’s good enough for me.

22) Any nicknames?

A lot of people call me Clem.

23) Introvert or Extrovert?

I love talking to people and making new friends, so that makes me an extrovert.

24) Favorite book?

Pachinko by Min Jin Lee. A close second is These Violent Delights by Chloe Gong.

25) Hobby?

Aside from soccer and anything athletic, I like photography, painting even though I’m really bad at it, reading, and journaling— you know, with the cute calligraphy pens and stuff.

26) Beach or pool?

Beach. There’s nothing better than laying out at the beach and feeling the sun on your skin.

27) First kiss?

Seriously?

28) Favorite subject

Anything science-related. History, too!

29) Age

I’m 19! I turn 20 years old next month.

30) Full name

Clementine Beauchamp.

31) Pets?

I don’t have any.

33) Favorite song?

I can’t choose! Right now, my favorite song is Step On Up by Ariana Grande.

34) Where do you live?

At my parents’ house?

35) What/who do you miss?

I miss my... close friend, Ren.

36) Which school(s) do/did you go to?

I’m a freshman at Foxbury Institute.

38) Tattoo?

Uh, no. Those hurt.

39) Done anything illegal?

Huh? Illegal? Nope.

40) Fav TV show?

Girl from Nowhere. I love it, even though it’s kind of dark?

41) Do you know any celebrities?

Mama knows celebrities and movie stars, so I’ve met a bunch of them and their kids at her parties. I guess that counts?

42) Dreams/wishes?

I want to be happy. 

43) Are you very competitive?

Uh, yes.

45) Greatest accomplishment?

Getting a full-ride soccer scholarship to Foxbury Institute. I hope I’ll become captain of the women’s soccer team by junior year!

46) If you were stuck on a desert island, who would you be stuck with?

My papa. Since he was in the military for a long time, he knows how to survive in all kinds of places. 

47) Zodiac sign

I’m an Aquarius sun, Taurus moon, and Aries rising!

48) Where were you born?

At a hospital in Newbury?

49) Sexuality?

I don’t know. Pan?

50) What color are your eyes?

Dark brown.

51) What color is your hair?

... Dark brown.

52) Do you want/ have kids?

I’d love to have children when I’m settled down and comfortable. Two, maybe. A boy and a girl.

53) When is your birthday?

January 21st!

54) Current mood?

I’m fine.

55) Do you send goodnight or good morning texts to people?

Yup! If I’m too busy to text my family and friends during the day, I like to at least message them in the morning or night.

57) How long do you sleep for?

8 hours. From around 10pm to 6am.

58) How long does it take you to get up in the morning?

As soon as I’m awake, I’m ready to go.

59) How long does it take you to get ready?

Including a shower, getting dressed, and all that stuff? I’d say like 20 minutes.

60) Meyer Briggs personality type?

ENFJ.

#thebrixtons #sim: clementine #character q&a #character building #this was actually really fun and challenging! #and i also got to have a cute little photoshoot w clem #it’s not her style but 🧎🏽‍♀️ #anyways... #she’s so cute #i miss her : ( #someone find her she’s lost in the handbag closet

[nostalgiaruinedme]

Monster

Prompt: Mistreated by Authorities Fandom: TMNT 2012 Ao3 link: here Summary: After the Kraang and the Triceratons and the Shredder, the world is finally safe, save for the scars left behind. But humanity is looking for a scapegoat to blame all the tragedies on, and their gaze lands on the mutants. Now, every government in the world is after any and all mutants, but first and foremost, they want the turtles. And then the EPF capture Donatello.

First I’d like to thank the amazing @morikothehalfangel​ for beta reading this for me <3

I put way too much effort into researching the effects of torture by asphyxiation for this oneshot wow. I now know more about asphyxiation than I ever wanted to know but ~accuracy is important~

I mean I think it's accurate. I DID MY BEST OK and also I've been in the hospital because I couldn't breathe (asthma not torture i promise <3) so I based some of it a little on my own experiences, just amped up a billion percent.

Also I know a lot of people are like "THEY'RE TURTLES THEY CAN HOLD THEIR BREATH FOR A WHILE" but like- that's a great headcanon that I love reading about but considering they nearly did suffocate in that one episode where that one triceraton released all the air from their cell, I don't think it's canon. And even if it was canon I wanna write this so I'm disregarding it pff 

PLEASE mind the warnings in the summary. Don't read anything that will trigger you, take your safety first ok? That's more important than reading a fic.

Okay, that's all. Please enjoy! and suffer. 

TRIGGER WARNINGS: - Self hatred - Depression - Asphyxiation - Torture - Briefly mentioned suicide attempt - 

Everyone is good at heart.

If you asked April 5 years ago what she thought about the inherent good or evilness of humanity, that would've been the answer she gave. A typical one, maybe, full of clichés and misplaced optimism, but it was also one she truly believed. Sure, sometimes that goodness had been shoved deep down and locked in a cage. Sometimes it was so long gone even its owner would forget it existed. Sometimes it was buried so deep not even god could tear it from its depths and bring it to the sunlight... but regardless, it was there, somewhere. To be good or not was just a matter of choice. Everyone was good at heart.

But that was then. And this was now. The time she believed in the goodness of all was before a time before a seething Casey Jones had marched into her apartment and shoved his phone into her face, a time before he said nothing as she read the article on the screen, her confusion slowly morphing into absolute horror.

"Mutant Responsible for Destruction of City Finally Apprehended", it read, and below that deceptive headline was a photo of someone she knew all too well. His mask was gone, one eye bruised shut, and a hand outstretched towards whoever was holding the camera in a last ditch effort to hide his face. It had been a fruitless endeavor, unfortunately; five more photos followed, and April had no doubt in her mind that there were plenty more in circulation elsewhere. Every news station in New York—no, scratch that; every news station in the country was rushing to cover this story, and probably a few hundred more channels across the world as well. It was big news after all. After years of trying to catch the so-called evil mutants the public had taken to blame for all of their problems, they finally got one of them. It didn't matter how wrong the stories were... the people who caught him were going to be praised as heroes. 

"They got Donnie."

Casey's words weren't necessary—April easily recognized who was in the photo—but hearing them still made her breath hitch, all hope of this being a dream or imagined crashing down around her. This was all too real. Humans capturing the four brothers had always been a danger, they knew that, but to actually have it happen to one of them...

April guessed that after Tokka returned to Earth three years ago, they should've seen it coming. Bishop had tried his hardest to repair the Utrom's relationship with humanity, specifically the Earth Protection Force in this case, and had very nearly succeeded too. But the officials he was working with were stubborn, and after seeing the turtles in action themselves, they were terrified. It didn't matter that they had been working to save them or that they weren't the bad guys; those damn officials only saw a powerful threat they couldn't control. 

They were evil men. And evil destroys what it can't control.

So they shattered what was left of the Utrom council's relations with humanity, and ensured the rest of the world did too. And then they used Earth's real saviors as scapegoats.

Aliens coming to Earth, capturing humanity countless times and mutating them into mindless slaves? The mutants' faults. The destroyed buildings and sounds of fighting and screaming all night long? The mutants' faults. The increase in robberies and kidnappings by inhumane creatures and robotic ninjas? The mutants' faults. Giant alien turtle lighting New York on fire? Mutants' fault. Dinosaurs invading? Mutants' fault. Ghosts rising? Mutants' fault. Cultish whispers? Mutants. It was all their fault.

And at the front of it all, they blamed the turtles specifically.

The four brothers pretended they didn't care. All of them. Mikey just joked about it, claiming those humans were clearly just jealous they couldn't save the Earth like they did. Raph got angry, obviously, but he pretended it was because of just 'humans in general', and that the accusations weren't hitting as hard as everyone knew they were. Leo used this to reason that they just needed to try harder and save more people... If they did more good, he said, people would speak up to defend them. He never quite managed to hide the hurt that came when no one did.

And Donnie... Donnie took all the allegations right to the heart.

He buried himself in inventions, the only one of his brothers who didn't seem to suffocate from the isolation, and never spoke of it. April tried to talk to him and Casey did too. Both were all too aware of the thoughts Donnie had about himself. While his brothers had their own insecurities, Donnie held the worst ones about just what he was. A Monster, he believed, despite their assurances he was anything but. This situation just made it all worse. 

And then Donnie left the lair by himself. He'd gotten himself captured.

"What about his brothers?" April whispered, eyes still locked on the article. Casey sighed.

"They're obviously panicking... Leo's planning a rescue mission tonight, and Raph massacred his punch dummy and Mikey's trying to keep both of them from going on a suicide solo mission right now, in the daylight. It's not looking too good, Red, this isn't like any other time..."

It wasn't. They'd all been captured by the enemy before, but that was by underground organizations and alien terrorists and chaotic mutants. This was more than that. Donnie had been arrested by the EPF, a military organization... if you could even call it an arrest. He sure as hell wasn't gonna get a lawyer, that was for sure, and he'd probably be turned over to scientists the second he refused to tell them anything useful. This wasn't something they could just sneak into, fix, and then be on their way.

This was the entire United States government they had to go up again.

"We gotta get him out of there," April said, pushing the phone away. She couldn't look at it for another second. "He's barely been gone a day and his face is plastered everywhere online, we don't have a lot of time. When are the guys planning on going?"

"Right before sundown, so in about an hour," Casey said, returning his phone to his pocket. "I don't know what Leo's got planned, but we have just enough time to get ready and I told them we'd meet them there."

April nodded firmly, without even a hint of hesitance. 

"Let's get going."

***

When Donatello was little, he liked to pretend there was a monster living under his bed.

A common nightmare among children, he knew what it was. Most children feared what lived under their bed, and when they did think there was one hiding there... it wasn't because they wanted it there; it was because they hated the idea. They would beg their parents to run into the room and shine a flashlight underneath, to hug them tightly and assure them that monsters weren't real, it's all in your head. Some braver children might even get up to check themselves, armed with a foam sword or a plastic spear, bravely embarking on a quest to kill the monster, for it was an enemy.

But to Donnie, the imagined monster under his bed wasn't hated. It was a friend. It was someone like him.

The fear of being a monster had started within the turtle when he was small, when he first started learning about the world above him. His brothers had found mankind interesting, sure, but it was he who wanted to know everything about them. What were their kids like? What did they eat? Why did they live so close to the sky? How did they look? How come they couldn't meet them? These were the questions that he'd sneak into Splinter's room for answers to long after his brothers had gone to sleep. 

Because Donnie wanted answers, and his curiosity would never be satisfied until he knew all there was to know.

But as Donatello's knowledge grew, so did his own insecurities. He now knew what human children were like (different from him). He now knew why they couldn't meet them (they would be terrified). Because Donnie was a mutant. He was the scary monster they imagined under their beds, the one they wanted their parents to protect them from... He was what they feared.

So he took comfort in imagining his own monster under his bed, one that was even scarier than him. But he never hated or feared this monster. No, he wouldn't be like the human children. It didn't matter how scary this monster was, he decided, he would befriend and love it no matter how it looked. Because he was a monster too, and monsters had to stick together, right?

It only took a few years longer for Donnie to stop pretending he had a monster hiding under his bed (though he still took comfort in the thought every once in a while), but it took him much, much longer to stop thinking of himself as one. So many nights of sitting beside Casey and April, both assuring him he was anything but, and so many long years of doubting his place in their lives. It took determination on all three's part but eventually, he even saw himself as something normal, someone who could actually fit in their tiny group of three instead of the monstrous invader they swore he wasn't.

"We want you in this too," April had sworn, and Casey confessed the same only moments later. Donnie had cried. A day later, he finally believed them, and the three started the happiest relationship of their lives. He finally found himself fitting in, and finally, finally... he thought he had defeated his thoughts.

But that was then, and this was now.

He stood still as dozens of curious, terrified, and disgusted eyes watched him, some trying to get the best look while others tried to distract themselves from his existence. Never before in his life did he feel more like a monster than he did now. All of his progress had been destroyed.

Donnie stared at the men surrounding him on all sides, cursing the glass prison they kept him in. They didn't even let him have enough dignity to keep him in a normal, dusty, dirty cell with corners, did they? No, they had to keep him in a round glass one like some animal, one they could keep a constant watch over from all sides. He couldn't hide anywhere. He had to stand there in the silence.

Donnie wanted nothing more than to hide in his shell just to get away from the prying eyes. But that wasn't normal, was it? He knew that'd only make them stare even harder.

He wished they'd say something. The EPF had taken him, fair enough—Donnie knew they had been after them for months now. But instead of the torture, lifelong prison sentence, scientific experiments, or questioning he had expected, there was... nothing. After the tranquilizer they had shot him wore off, he'd been shoved in this stupid cell and left there for at least 6 hours now. Guards and various EPF staff watched him, spoke in hushed whispers about him and made a few phone calls, and even took a few photos, but that was it. They hadn't spoken a word to him.

Donatello didn't know whether to be relieved or horrified about that. He just wanted to go home.

"Come on, guys..." Donnie muttered, eyes focused on the single window in the room. It was starting to get dark out; his brothers should be coming soon, right? They were at least ready to go by now, if they weren't already on their way. He just had to be patient. "Please hurry..."

"There you are." 

Donnie quickly turned around, cursing himself for not realizing that someone had snuck up behind him.  To be fair, he had felt watched from all directions since the moment he had woken up, and still did, so one more set of eyes hadn't been much different, but even so... He was a ninja, damn it! He should have realized that someone had approached his cage before they even said anything.

There stood one of the EPF officers, clearly one of their higher-ups, judging by the many many badges he wore on his chest. He had a grim look on his face, yet a hint of satisfaction was hidden in his eyes behind the frown on his lips. Though Donnie didn't know him, he could tell just by looking at him that this was not a good man; he was a man out for power and without sympathy. 

Donnie folded his arms across his plastron defensively and met his eyes. However, he was still upset about being given the silent treatment for three hours, so he didn't bother to reply. 

They hadn't answered him, so why should he answer them?

"Not a big talker, huh? That's alright." The man said, voice matter-of-fact and calm as could be. "As long as you answer my questions, we won't have a problem, mutant. You don't have to talk any more than that, I promise."

Donnie clenched his teeth. The man smiled.

"You and those other turtles have been on the run for quite some time, haven't you?" He continued, hands behind his back. "I understand you four may not have much experience with the law, as you have been completely disregarding it for years now... but that's not something that's allowed.

"You're wanted by every government and legal system in the world for your crimes against humanity. You've nearly caused the extinction of mankind a dozen times over, yet you refuse to face consequences for your actions. On one hand, I see why you'd be scared to get caught for that, but it's still quite dishonorable, avoiding justice like that. You're running from the law. What should one make of that, mutant?"

'That you're all ungrateful pieces of shit,' Donnie thought, but managed to keep to himself. They nearly sacrificed their very lives just to save this stupid planet, yet here they were blaming him for it. He couldn't keep the scowl off of his face as the man continued to stare, though, no matter how hard he fought to keep his expression blank.

"It's not safe to let you continue to wander the Earth on your own. You'll try and kill us all again, and that's an international threat we can't let slide. But," The man leaned forward slightly, placing a hand over his heart as a sign of trust that Donatello knew better than to believe, "I am a very powerful man. You tell me where we can find the rest of those responsible, and I'll make sure you and the other mutants live a decent life. In captivity, of course, I can't change that, but it will be relatively peaceful."

Donatello tried to calm his breathing, keeping his mouth firmly shut. He didn't give a damn what this man would say; he'd never give up his brothers' locations—who did he think he was? He wouldn't tell him where any of the other mutants he knew were either. The EPF could do whatever they wanted with him... He'd never speak a word.

"Of course, there's other ways to get information out of you," The man continued, voice overbearingly calm and carefree. "Maybe not on where those other freaks are hiding. But there's plenty to learn from mutants' very existence, isn't there?" He grinned. His teeth were white and clear, just perfect enough to hide the rotting soul inside.

"We released your photos to the press already. Can you believe how many labs have offered hundreds of millions, one or two even billions, for you? We're still getting calls and emails as we speak."

Donatello was no idiot, he could have guessed that had happened already. But hearing it... He tensed, hoping the man couldn't see the fear he knew was already apparent on his face. He just had to ignore him. His threats wouldn't mean anything; his brothers would be there soon to save him, way before they could even consider doing that for real.

Besides, the EPF had spent months searching for and trying to capture him. Surely, they wouldn't just sell him off to the highest bidder that easily...

Right?

"Still not talking?" The man's expression darkened, "You don't understand just how much trouble you're in, do you? You're going to pay for what you and the rest of the mutants have done to humanity; I don't care whether you actually feel guilty for it or not. You will be sorry, Mutant."

"Donatello."

"What?"

"My name's Donatello," Donnie hissed out, too angry to even care that he broke his attempt at silence. "Stop calling me that when I have a name."

"I can call you whatever I damn well please, freak," The man replied, pointing a finger at him as though he were lecturing him, "You're lucky I'm even speaking to you right now. Everyone else I spoke to figured said it'd be pointless, and we should just ship you off right now. Mutant, I don't think you realize just how lucky you've been because of me. In fact, you oughta be thanking me."

Even the damn Foot Clan called them by their names, Donnie realized bitterly. Even the Foot treated them with more dignity than these people.

"The decision hasn't been made yet, but the Earth Protection Force is still deciding what to do with you. We've recently built a new high-security prison for mutants specifically in mind, and that had been the plan all along. However, we could always use the money we'd get from your bidders to upgrade it and arrest more-"

"We didn't do any of it!" Donnie couldn't take it anymore. He knew arguing was pointless and he knew it was probably what the man wanted, but he didn't care. "We saved the world, you- my brothers and I were the ones who stopped all that shit from happening! We saved Earth when you and the entire Earth Protection Force couldn't!"

"That's not how I remember it."

"Bullshit! You know you're all lying!"

"Memories are subjective," The man said, "However, the general consensus among the government, public, and us has been that the Kraang backed off due to our brief but effective alliance with the Utrom. The Triceratons-"

"You just want a damn scapegoat because you kept failing!" Donnie exclaimed, slamming his fist onto the glass walls in anger, teeth barred in rage and desperation. He knew his words were falling on deaf ears, but he couldn't take these lies. "We beat them! Not the EPF! We brought all the humans back from Dimension X and saved you all from the Kraang's mind control while you guys did nothing! We stopped the Triceratons! Me and my family nearly died—no, actually some of us did die—just trying to save the planet! The humans who did help us had nothing to do with you guys and it's because of us that you're even breathing right now! We-"

Donnie choked.

While he was shouted, the man had pressed some button, and it turned out the cursed dome he was in had more uses than just keeping him in one place after all. It started with a hissing noise from above and seconds later, a burning in his lungs. He gasped as the air turned frigid, the oxygen escaping from his grasp before he even realized what was happening. His hands flew to his throat. He couldn't breathe.

He fell to his knees harshly, ignoring the pain that came with it—all of his gear, including his knee pads, had been taken before he'd woken up—and clawed at his neck. Out of the corner of Donnie's eyes, he could see the satisfied gleam in the man’s eyes as struggled, gasping for air that just wasn't there. The edges of his vision flashed black.

But just before he passed out, the hissing changed and the air came back. Donnie gasped and inhaled with relief, savoring the feeling he hated that he still took for granted after how many times it had been taken away from him. He could breathe. He didn't bother rising from where he knelt.

"Tell me, Mutant," The man's voice was cold, and Donnie felt a shiver run down his spine. "Why would a monster sacrifice all that for the human race?"

Donnie didn't know.

"Well?" The man said, "That wasn't a rhetorical question. Answer me!"

"Earth's... it's ours too," Donnie hissed out, clenching his fists, "It's... it's just as much ours as... as yours."

"Is that so?" Donnie wanted to nod, to say yes, but he was frozen. Or at least, it felt like that. Humiliated and weak and terrified, Donnie wondered if they had paralyzed him when he wasn't paying attention... But he knew the only thing keeping him from moving was his own damn mind.

"I think you know as well as I do the Earth wasn't built for freaks like you," The man said, "And we sure as hell aren't going to let you just steal it from us. Not while I'm here, and not anytime soon after, you hear me? Earth's ours. It always has been."

Donnie felt a wave of relief wash over him when he turned, preparing to leave. He was still trapped in hell, but at let no one would talk down to him more if the man wasn't here... no privacy or not, it was better than nothing.

But then, the man stopped, tilting his head in thought. He turned back around and addressed another person on the other side of the room.

"Lower the oxygen percentage. Keep it just high enough so it doesn't pass out, but I want it as low as possible without that happening."

He walked away just as the hissing began, and Donnie couldn't help the tears from forming.

***

Two weeks.

Casey couldn't believe it had already been two full weeks since they'd last seen Donnie. How could they have let this have gone on for so long? They should have gotten him back days ago! But no, the calendar didn't lie; it had been fourteen days.

Fourteen days since they'd seen his gap-toothed smile. Fourteen days since the EPF had so cruelly snatched him from his patrol. Fourteen days since they kidnapped him and did who knows what with him. Fourteen days since they'd locked him away.

Thirteen days since they had first tried to get him back.

Casey grimaced at the memories. The first mission had been a failure, as had the second and third ones. Each building had been a fake one, framed as the place where they imprisoned mutants but really only a distraction. Donnie had never stepped foot in any of them... and with each trap they landed in, the team grew more and more desperate. Angrier and angrier. More and more heartbroken.

Casey hated it. 

"What do we do, Red?" He asked April one night, sitting on the ledge of a roof and tossing a pebble off of it. It landed on a trashcan below with a satisfying clink, a sound that usually would've elicited a grin from Casey if it weren't for the circumstances. How could they have failed so much?

"I really don't know," April sighed, shaking her head, "We've searched everywhere in the city. I don't think they've sent him off somewhere, since I can still sense him in the city... but I have no idea where. I can't pinpoint him."

Casey looked out across the city, eyes sweeping over every building lining the distance. Though he knew it wasn't exactly true, it had felt like he'd searched every single one of them by now from top to bottom. Why couldn't they find Donnie? How many hideouts did the Earth Protection Force have anyways? So many in the city seemed excessive. Surely, they couldn't be hiding too many more.

Casey's gaze turned towards the water as the sun hovered over the horizon, casting beautiful crystals of light over everything it touched. It reflected off of the waves and met Casey's eyes, lighting them up gold.

And as they did, an idea lit up in his mind.

"April," He said, spinning around to face her, eyes wide and jaw slack, "What if we're looking in the wrong place?"

April frowned, folding her arms across her chest. "What do you mean?"

"They already know we know about all their buildings and hideouts in the city," Casey said, words tumbling from his mouth in a rush, "So why would they hide him somewhere we could find him? I'd guess they took him out of the city or even country, but you said you still sense him here. You know what that means?"

April shook her head. Casey rose to his feet, standing tall as he raised his arm and pointed towards the waters surrounding Manhattan.

"I bet they're hiding him out there, on a ship." 

***

Donnie lost track of the days.

He'd tried to keep count, he really did. But there were no windows and no visible clocks, and each second spent in that damned dome felt like years. The circumstances inside didn't make it any easier to keep his mind clear.

Yes, the man had been true to his word and kept the air as unbreathable as was possible. His limbs were weighted and every movement took so much effort; speaking wasn't even an option. Even something as simple as thinking seemed nearly impossible when one was suffocating, and Donnie had no idea how to escape, not with how thick the walls were and how guarded he was. It wasn't normal glass, it was something special, something he couldn't break. All he could do was choke on nothing.

But he wasn't stupid. As impossible as the situation was, he tried to make do.  He sat still and folded his legs, staying still and remembering the breathing techniques Splinter had taught him, just like they had when the Triceratons had tried to suffocate them.

At first, it had worked, but then the men caught on. They lowered the amount of oxygen he was getting even more and spoke loudly of their plans for him as a mutant, purposefully destroying his concentration with panic and anxiety. Meditation was impossible.

And even if it wasn't? Even breathing techniques couldn't save him from suffocation that lasted for hours on end.

So Donnie would gasp and claw at nothing, pleading internally for the air to return yet being met with no answer but amused chuckles. The sides of his vision would flash black and slowly grow until he was this close to passing out and ready to feel the sweet release of unconsciousness—Donnie started looking forward to that time when he could get a few short seconds of nothingness before he felt like he was dying again. Just take him away already!

But then, the second they noticed he was unconscious, the air would return all at once. Donnie would fling up from where he was laying and inhale the precious, beautifully crisp air with more appreciation than he'd known was possible. He knew it was just to keep him from dying on them and to keep him awake to suffer even longer, but he could never keep the relieved sigh from escaping his lips.

"So," The man would always approach him around this time, the same disgusting human every time. "Are you ready to tell me where the other mutants are?"

And every time, Donnie would only reply with an adamant shake of his head and narrowed eyes filled with false confidence. The man never stayed much longer after that. He would only shake his head in disapproval, mutter something along the lines of "those damn mutants..." or something about them being criminals, then he'd turn and walk away. The hissing would start not too long after that.

And the process would repeat.

On the fifth day, he really did pass out, and they were forced to give him a few hours to breathe properly, lest they gain a corpse replace their hostage. He didn't bother moving from the floor, feeling nothing yet too much all at once. He didn't think, only longed for his family's rescue.

On the tenth day, the man opened the cage long enough to walk inside and slap him once, twice, and scream in his face. 'Monster!' he screamed, 'Murderer!'

Donnie didn't react. The man was out of shape and old, someone Donnie knew he could normally take out without breaking a sweat. But after four days of struggling for a single breath, he didn't have the energy to do anything but stare.

At least he couldn't think enough to agree with his accusations.

On the thirteenth and fourteenth days, Donnie didn't bother moving once. Most of those 48 hours were spent zoned out and unaware of the passage of time. You could tell him it had only been an hour, or even that it had been three weeks; he'd have believed you either way.

On the eighteenth day, Donnie realized they weren't coming.

The men gagged him before he could bite his tongue hard enough.

***

It should have been obvious.

Staring at the ship now, April wondered how the hell no one on the team had thought of it before. Of course, the EPF would expect them to search their usual hideouts! Of course, they'd be ready for that! They wasted so much time searching the places they knew about that they had just... forgotten that this was more than just another gang or mafia or clan. This was a government agency with resources beyond imagination, they didn't have to reuse the same locations again and again and again.

April was just thankful they had stayed in New York. 

"We go in, but we're focusing on stealth," Leo instructed his team—Mikey, Raph, Karai, Shini, April, and Casey—and pointed towards the ship, "We're not trying to take them out. Getting Donnie out is our first priority."

"No objections there," April replied, holding onto her tessen tightly. Casey scoffed from behind her.

"Yeah, definitely agree," He said, "But the second he's out, I'm burning the whole ship down."

"And everyone aboard responsible," Raph added on, eyes dark. Karai nodded in agreement while Shini grinned with delight.

Neither Leo nor Mikey had anything to say against that. Neither did April. 

***

The air came back sooner than usual for Donnie this time.

He wasn't entirely sure why, usually it took a lot longer for them to give him a break. Or maybe it had been longer than he'd realized? Time was a strange thing, after all, and Donnie knew that he'd been out of it for a while. 

He should probably stop questioning it and just be thankful for the brief break.

But now hands were on him, shaking him by the shoulders and screaming in his ears. What were they even saying? Donnie didn't know; tuning them out was easier. He was just tired of hearing the threats against his brothers and his family and friends and accusations. They could do what he wanted with him—he didn't care anymore.

But then they screamed again, and Donnie tried to focus, because the word they were saying over and over again was so foreign, yet so familiar. It was something he hadn't heard in a long time... wait, were they-

"Donnie!"

The man never said his name.

Donnie blinked several times, looking up and trying so desperately to see who it was. He distantly felt them remove the gag, though he knew he wasn't going to talk anyways, not with how dry his mouth was. 

"He's alive," A voice cried out, shaking with relief. He wished he knew who it was, but try as he might, he couldn't make his vision come into focus. All there was was blurs of lights and colors, distant faces, and tears (though he wasn't sure if they were his or not). Green and black and red and orange and blue and more black and gray and yellow... He weakly reached out towards them.

Someone took his hand, squeezing it tightly. He wasn't sure who, but he was suddenly filled with an unbelievable wave of trust and peace.

For the first time in a long time, he felt okay.

Someone picked him up and suddenly, the lights and colors were changing, and he was moving. He blinked and he was outside and then he was sat down outside.

He blinked again, and finally, he could see the stars.

"Donnie?" A voice asked, and he finally recognized it. "Can you hear me?"

April.

He weakly nodded yes, and Casey was there too, grabbing his hand. Mikey sat right next to him. 

He tried to sit up, still savoring the beautiful night air, never before appreciating the air of New York City as much as he did at that moment. But something else was on his mind; where were the others? Where were Leo and Raph? Where were the others he knew he saw with them?

"Hey, calm down Love, they're okay," Casey quickly calmed him down, tightening his hold on his hand. Donnie shook his head.

"W-where?" 

"They're just finishing up something," Mikey promised, wrapping his arms around his brother in a tight hug. "They'll be out soon."

Donnie nodded, finally with someone he knew he could trust the words of. He breathed in deeply, and looked back forward, out to the ship he now realized he must have been on.

And just as he caught sight of it, a brilliant light erupted from the ship, a radiant explosion of reds and oranges and yellows, casting the same colors across the waves. Fire spread across the deck that was left. From the corner of his eye, he could see his brothers and Karai and Shini approaching, having finally finished their mission, but Donnie could only keep his eyes on the destruction behind them. Donnie imagined that he could hear the man's screams through the wreckage, though he knew individually, he couldn't; they must have been drowned out by the cries of everyone still aboard.

The fire raged on. It was a sight of pain and death and destruction, one that only a monster would take delight in to watch.

And Donnie smiled.

#tmnt #tmnt 2012 #tw torture #tw asphyxiation #tw suffocation #tw suicide mention #tw suicide attempt #tw self hatred #tw depression #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt capriltello #tmnt 2012 donatello

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7 Chakra – The Ultimate Guide to Balancing Your Life

All About Seven Chakra

Before we began to know about seven Chakra. Let me know if you are familiar with reiki, meditation and how often you do sit for it.

And you would say I don’t get time often because my work schedule is tight. I have to pack my kids bags for school and some of you might say I am not able to concentrate even for a minute and it takes a lot of time and energy.

All your points are valid. These days all our work life balance has been struck by covid.

And due to which our Chakra is imbalanced or even blocked.

Let’s begin with Chakra

What is Seven Chakra?

Chakra refers to the energy wheel in our body. Our body chakra are connected from top to bottom end of our spinal cord. When our Chakra is balanced we feel happy, stable, and secure.

When you are feeling unworthy, indecisive, and physically ill for a long time. That simply means

One of our seven chakra is out of balance and there is a need to open and activate chakra flow

To cure and feel healthy and stable again.

There are 7 Major types of Chakra

1.Root Chakra ( Muladhara)

Muladhara is one of the foundational energy centers for our body. Root Chakra healing is responsible for our emotional stability. Root chakra helps you to feel confident , create your own strong self identity.  

Signs Your Root Chakra is Blocked

Stress due to financial and money

Issues in the immune system.

Increase or continuous pain in leg, feet, rectum, and tailbone.

Issues with male reproductive parts and prostate gland.

Issues with digestion and degeneration arthritis, knee pain,

2.Sacral chakra (Swadhisthana)

Sacral chakra is your creative energy and it is responsible for your sexual drive too. It is located just below your navel. Open Sacral Chakra helps you to be balanced and empowered to improve your creative ability. It helps you to know more about your sexuality and keeps you open to explore.

Signs Your Root Chakra is Blocked

Problem in sexual reproductive parts.

Pain in lower back, hip and pelvic

Inability to express emotion or desire.

Constant fear of rejection and breakups

3. Solar plexus chakra (Manipura)

Solar plexus helps you in knowing your self worth, strengthen your self esteem,

Boost your confidence. Solar plexus is located in your stomach area. Opening of Solar plexus chakra helps you to calm down your inner critic.

Signs Your Solar Plexus Chakra is Blocked

Issue in Digestion

Feeling Fatigue

Pancreas and Gallbladder issues

Unrelenting and inner critic

Constant fear of rejection

Self doubt

Low self esteem

Hold grudges for long periods of time

4. Heart chakra (Anahata)

Heart Chakra is one of the most important chakra which help you to decide about love and compassion in your life. It is located in the center of your heart. Heart Chakra heals you from any past scars, protects you from emotional traumas and health issues. It also helps you to balance  you in day to day life and makes you feel joyful and alive again.

Signs Your Solar Plexus Chakra is Blocked

Breathing difficulty – Asthma

Pain in Upper back and Shoulder

Instant Pain in Arm and Wrist

Trapped in Toxic relations

Constant building insecurity, jealousy and bitterness around you.

Constant fear of belong left alone

5. Throat chakra (Vishuddha)

Throat Chakra is located near your throat. All the energy and decisions taken by communication is due to throat chakra. Throat Chakra helps you to express your desire, creativity, and ability verbally. Opening on Throat Chakra makes you more firm and honest about your needs.

Signs Your Throat  Chakra is Blocked

Have Sore throats

Ear infections

Shoulder pain

Can’t handle rejection

In ability to Say No

Constant fear of being out of control

Not able to express nature with anyone.

Overthinking and analyzing issues.

6. Third-eye chakra (Ajna)

Third eye chakra is the center of determination. It is located in center if your eyebrows

Third eye chakra helps you to make well and informed decisions. It also help to open you up for sharing and receiving thoughtful advice and grasap information from others.

Signs the third-eye chakra is out of balance include:

Migraine Issues

Constant strain in eyes and blurred vision

Sinus issues

Inability to understand and agree with someone who is against your word.

Constant change and abruption of Mood

7. Crown chakra (Samsara or Sahasrara)

Crown Chakra is located at the top of our head. It is responsible for our constant thought and our ability with it. Crown Chakra is also known as intuitive chakra. It helps you decide something with your strong gut feeling.

Signs the crown chakra is out of balance include:

Over Thinking and Rigid Thoughts

Constant Over analyzing  past situations

Constant fear of alienation

Constant need of reassurance

Depend on toxic patterns

Inability to judge people, habits, career

Indecisive nature

Open all 7 chakras to find balance.

As you know now about all 7 major chakra. You might have heard that opening a Chakra is dangerous. If your chakra opens up too much it could lead to destruction. But here are some simple methods to open your Chakra.

Don’t think too much about if chakra will get over activated or less.

Use your body and become aware of it.  Understand your which Chakra needs opening.

Sit down for grounding in a cross legged. Concentrate on the chakra spot you feel is disrupted

Silently Chant OM and Other important Mantras for specific Chakra

Let yourself Focus on visualizing the Chakra Color.

Imagine Powerful Chakra opening and visualizing energy and radiation coming out of the chakra.

Contract the perineum, hold your breath, and release.

Once your meditation is over, purify your Seven chakra tumbles with sage and keep around the clean space of your house.

Crystal of Seven Chakra

1.Amethyst

Amethyst works to bring tranquility to your mind and your crown chakra so you can focus on healing any blockages that are holding you back from experiencing bliss. Amethyst is the stone of spirituality, peace and balance. It calms the mind and protects from negative thoughts and influences.

2. Green aventurine

Aventurine is a heart chakra stone, always ready to rouse those feelings of far-flung love and fantasy. It inspires us to be more creative with our lives, assists us in building a reality that matches our great ideas, lets us believe in ourselves and our dreams. Green Aventurine supports the heart chakra by balancing the energy of the mind, body, spirit connection.

Aventurine is good for promoting balance and confidence in both the spiritual and physical worlds, so be sure to carry it with you wherever you go.

3.Garnet

The Garnet is a gemstone rich in healing properties. Resonating with the second or Sacral Chakra, the Garnet aligns the wearer with abundance and prosperity, protection, enhancing relationships in a variety of ways, on many levels.

Garnet is a spiritual stone that has been used to release bad karma in ones life. It has powerful regenerating and purifying effects. It helps you rid yourself of negative energy and clear space of internal congestions. It can cleanse the chakras of negative energies and re-energize them while bringing serenity or passion as appropriate.

4.Rose Quartz

Rose quartz connects to the heart chakra and attracts your soulmate. It will bring you self-love and make your heart softer, more open, and more loving.

Enhance your spiritual healing and balancing with the rosy glow of rose quartz. This small rose quartz crystal looks lovely in any home environment and works to bring spiritual healing to every aspect of your life.

5.Lapis Lazuli

Lapis Lazuli can help you to amplify your personal power, creativity and intellect by balancing the throat chakra. According to crystal healing practitioners, this gem can help you to overcome your fears and pursue your dreams with confidence.

Lapis Lazuli is one of the oldest spiritual stones known to man. It releases stress and allows for peace and serenity.

6.Citrine

Citrine is a powerful cleansing crystal associated with cleansing and healing the solar plexus chakra, which is the energy center that helps you focus your power, strengthen your willpower and feel more at ease physically and spiritually.

Citrine is an energetic stone that’s helpful for meditation and other spiritual energy pursuits. It symbolizes joy, abundance, and transmutation. Citrine can help you to turn these unhealthy thoughts around and be more positive in your outlook.

7.Moonstone

Moonstone is known as the stone of new beginnings and helps with all kinds of healing across the physical, emotional, and spiritual.

You can use Moonstone to soothe and balance your Sacral Chakra, or place the crystal on your Third Eye Chakra to stimulate your inner vision and enhance psychic abilities.

Moonstone is linked to divine feminine energy and the crown chakra, inspiring intuition and psychic abilities.

Conclusion

An easy guide to understanding the chakras and living a joyful life!

#Amethyst #Green aventurine #Garnet #Rose Quartz #Lapis Lazuli #Citrine #Moonstone