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forhappysake · 3 months

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We're Okay

A/N - Guys idk where this came from. I guess I'm just feeling emotional and inspired.

Content - After JJ admits her decade-long love for Spencer, you and your boyfriend have to have a conversation to calm both of your doubts and fears.

Warnings: spencer reid x fem!reader, season 14 spoilers, anxiety, mentions of typical BAU-level crime stuff, fluff at the end

You walked in the door slowly, cautionary even; afraid the smallest noise would bring reality crashing down on you. The car ride home had been completely silent, as neither of you bothered to turn on the radio. Spencer shuffled in behind you, the click of the lock making you wince as you did your best to avoid his gaze. You stripped off your coat, throwing it over the couch before walking straight into the bathroom, shutting the door firmly behind you.

As you started the shower and stripped off your clothes, the evening’s events rushed back into your mind. Being involved in a hostage situation with an unstable unsub was one thing. JJ being held at gunpoint was worse. However, as if all that wasn’t enough, JJ admitting her decade-long hidden love for Spencer was the final nail in the coffin. As you climbed into the shower, you did your best to let the water wash away the thoughts running through your head.

Unfortunately, your attempt was unsuccessful. As you dried off and wrapped yourself in a towel, your mind raced. You’d been dating Spencer for nearly a year and a half. The two of you had just recently moved in together. Having known him and JJ for at least half a decade, you knew they were close, but you never would have guessed this was coming. You couldn’t help but wonder if he felt the same way she did. If so, what did this mean for your relationship?

After stalling in the bathroom for so long that goosebumps dotted your freshly dried body, you mustered up the courage to slip out of the bathroom and into the bedroom that you shared with Spencer. As you walked across the hallway, you could see his silhouette sitting on the living room couch, head bent forward. You couldn’t tell if he was reading or in deep thought, but you decided that either option was better than the alternative: trying to have a conversation.

You snuck into the bedroom, gently turning on the bedroom light and letting your eyes adjust to the warm glow of your room. You meandered to the closet, pulling out a simple t-shirt and shorts to sleep in. Slipping into your pajamas and stealing a glance at yourself in the vanity mirror, you noticed one of the many images covering the tabletop.

A framed photograph from less than a year ago of JJ, Will, Spencer, and yourself with the boys on a weekend hiking trip. You felt a pang of guilt in your chest and wondered if Will had any idea what was going on in JJ’s head. You shook the thought away, reminding yourself that you had bigger problems of your own to deal with. You turned back to the bed, sliding under the covers and turning off the light. Despite your distress, you were exhausted and you found yourself losing track of time and drifting off to sleep in mere minutes.

* * *

You awoke to the sound of the bedroom door latching shut. You rolled over, blinking your eyes open in an attempt to sneak a peak at your bedside alarm clock. You’d already been asleep for three hours and Spencer was just now coming to bed. It was well after midnight, and you knew that meant he had been up thinking about something. You figured it would be best not to push the subject after everything that had happened.

With your eyes shut, you waited to feel the familiar sensation of Spencer climbing into bed. Instead, you felt his weight at the foot of the bed, as if he had perched himself on the end. You tried not to think much of this and did your best to fake sleep. However, it soon became apparent that Spencer was on to you.

“I know you’re awake,” he said gently. His voice was gruff from the hours he’d spent in silence. Spencer waited before speaking again, “I think we should talk about what happened.”

There it is, you thought. Your stomach sank as your eyes fluttered open. You rolled over to face him, leaning up on your arms. It was then you noticed that he was still in his suit. His unkempt hair fell over his eyes and you couldn’t help but feel a bit sorry for the disheveled man in front of you. “Alright,” you relented, still refusing to meet his eyes, “what do you want to talk about?”

Spencer rolled his neck, tension evident in his movements. “I want to know how you feel about what was said earlier,” he said. For the first time in hours, you met his eyes, trying to gauge his sincerity. You found no signs of dishonesty, so you fell back on the bed, letting out a dramatic sigh.

“I don’t know, Spencer,” you groaned. “I definitely was surprised. I definitely wasn’t thrilled.” Spencer nodded, moving some hair away from his eyes as you spoke. “But,” you started again, “it’s not like we can go back and change it now.”

He reached an arm out, putting a hand over the covers on top of your knee. “I know,” he whispered, “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

You scoffed a bit at his sincerity and his innocence, meeting his eyes once more. “And how do you feel about it?” you asked.

Spencer bit his lip in thought. You could tell you had caught him off guard with the question, and he seemed to be calculating his response. “Can I be honest with you?” he said.

You raised your eyebrows, the nervous feeling in your stomach intensifying. Is this where he tells you he feels the same way and leaves for good? You pushed your thoughts to the side. “Always,” you whispered.

He sighed, laying back on the bed so he was next to you. You could feel the heat radiating off him, and you wanted nothing more than to curl into his warmth. You knew this wasn’t the time, so you held yourself back and held your breath, awaiting his response.

“First, I was confused,” Spencer explained, eyes locked on the ceiling. “I haven’t thought about JJ like that in over ten years. Frankly, I never knew she thought of me that way, so I was caught off-guard.”

So he did have a crush on her at one time, you thought. You were ready to close your eyes in defeat, to slip off the bed and out of the apartment and never come back when he cleared his throat.

“But then,” he started once more, “I had a quick epiphany of all the moments she’d gone out of her way for me, and I could understand where she was coming from.” You turned to look at him, watching his eyes scan the ceiling as he tried to come up with his next statements.

“And?” you asked, prompting him to continue.

“And then,” he continued your previous statement, “I was terribly appalled.”

Your head, which had turned to the ceiling, snapped back in his direction. You felt your eyebrows raise and your jaw drop open a bit in surprise. “Appalled?” you asked, confusion evident in your expression.

“Appalled,” Spencer echoed, sitting up on the edge of the bed once more and looking back at you.

“Why?” you asked.

Spencer shook his head, looking around the room. “I’ve been thinking about that for the last couple hours, and I’ve come up with a lot of reasons,” he mused. “I know she was in a tight place, but Will deserves better than that. The boys deserve better than that. But aside from them,” he leaned over on the bed, intertwining his fingers with yours, “I couldn’t stop thinking about what you must have thought. I was so afraid of your reaction and of losing you.”

Despite your evident emotional state as tears pooled in your eyes, you tried to play it off. “Spencer, this isn’t about me,” you reminded him.

“Yes,” he said, lying next to you, “it is.” Spencer ran a hand through his hair, pulling some curls out of his eyes. “Everyone knows how much I love you. I know how scary something like this can be. But you have to know that I have no idea where this came from and that anything JJ and I had died, on my end, long before I ever met you.”

You glanced over at him, the sincerity in his voice had moved you to believe him. For a moment, you forgot about JJ and Will, the boys, and the implications of her words. You offered his fingers a small squeeze. “So we’re okay?” you asked in a tiny voice.

“More than,” Spencer whispered.

He rolled on his side to face you and you mirrored his actions. He wrapped his arms tight around your body, the textured material of his suit jacket pressed against your cheek. A gentle kiss was pressed to your forehead and you found yourself falling back into sleep. After several minutes passed, you felt Spencer’s voice rumble through his chest for a final time before he succumbed to sleep: “Ever since I met you,” he mumbled, smoothing some stray hairs away from your face, “it’s always been you.”

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albinowolf16504 · 2 months

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Our Boy ~ Reid, Morgan, Aaron, X trans!male!Reader

Summery: you got top surgery done while your lover boys were on a mission. when they return to find you at home recovering. they end up pampering you for a bit before falling asleep together.

Warning: poly relations, top surgery recovery, homosexuality.

you're in your bathroom at 3am crying the thoughts you tried so hard to get rid of returning with force. your found yourself on the bathroom floor in only your sweatpants, your torso bare your old and new scars on your arms on display, only adding fuel to your worsening thoughts.

you should have killed yourself when you had the chance

your only a burden to everyone

you boyfriends don't love you they pity you

the thought becomes louder and more frequent you try to drown it out with loud music, but no luck. you try to think of a way to help but only come to one conclusion. cutting. crawling toward your sink, you open a drawer and pull out an old small 'necklace' case. opening it you see the multitude of blades. grabbing one you take your place back against the wall next to the speaker.

'your a pussy you wouldn't cut'

'your too weak to cut'

'your a pathetic excuse for a man'

slowly you drag the blade across your forearm drawing a line of red with your silver blade over the old white lines and the other scabbed red lines. you get 6 cuts in blood running down your arm to your fingers then dripping down onto the floor. leaning your head against the wall behind you, you let out a sigh of your thought seeping away with the blood. After sitting for ten minutes in the silence on your head you stand putting the blade back into the case then back into the drawer. pulling out some gauze and bandage wrap you wash your forearm wincing slightly as the sting of the water hits the fresh wounds. Once the bloods gone you place the gauze and wrap your arms. Sleepiness quickly seeps its way into your body and you turn off your music, clean up the blood on the floor then lay in your bed covering yourself in the blankets trying to get some sleep before work tomorrow.

— – – – – – – – – – – – – –

As you wake up you can feel the throbs starting to come from your angry forearms. You sit up, turn off your alarm cursing as the movement cracks open some of the new scabs. You swing your feet over the edge of the huge bed so they can rest on the cold floor. After rubbing your eyes and stretching you grab clothes and head to the bathroom. Your thoughts were still silent from your breakdown a couple hours earlier so you were fine in the shower only winching as you washed over your new cuts. After you shower you wrap your arms in new clean gauze and bandages then throw on your black hoodie and cargo jeans. You made sure to grab one of Aaron's hoodies as it was 2 sizes too big so you knew it would hide the bandages well. Leaving the bead room you walked to your door and put on your military boots, grabbed your keys, and helmet then left the gloomy apartment.

– – – — – – – – – – –

You pulled up to the BAU office turning off you loud bike and getting off. You quickly made your way into the office and took the elevator up. Once the ding for your floor was sounded you stepped out into the floor automatically being spotted by your other boyfriend Reid who was waiting for you with a cup of coffee.

“You make him wait for you! Your so lazy”

You shoved the thought to the back of your mind accepting the cup from your boyfriend's hand. You started walking toward your desk Reid going on about some random subject. You didn't hear much of it, making a b-line to your desk only to stop and give Derek a quick kiss on the head as you pass by. As you sat at your desk Reid made a spot for him on the counter behind you.

“y/n.” Reid said from behind you, breaking the sleepy fog that was surrounding you head.

“Yeah . sorry still a little tired” you replied with a fake smile plastered on your face. Reid didn't look convinced.

“I asked if you're ok.” Reid repeated. You just nodded and replied with the ‘im fine’. You didn't hear a reply from Reid but you guessed that he may have just nodded his head, but you couldn't tell you were already starting on the pile of paperwork on your desk.

‘Look at you making them worry. You're such a burden.’

Reid left you to your work and you continued to keep your thoughts at bay. Aaron had come out of his office after about an hour of you arriving. Walking up to you he kissed you on the head and then walked over to Reid and morgan. After about 10 minutes Aaron clapped his hands together getting the team's attention.

“Let's take the rest of the day off guys.” There were happy cheers from everyone on the team. You close the report you were currently working on and grab your helmet from under your desk. Everyone was huddled together talking about a night out. You started to walk past them when Morgan caught your arm in his hand gently. You winced slightly but quickly covered it up hoping he didn't tell.

“We’re all going to the bar you should join.” he said, letting go of my arm.

“No i'm alright ill just spoil the fun. You guys have fun though.” you smiled and headed to the elevator. Once the door closed your thoughts flooded in.

‘So pathetic they had to invite you because they feel bad’

‘You couldn't even finish your work.’

‘Lazy bitch’

You reach the parking lot, put your helmet on and get on your bike and speed home.

Once your home and your thoughts start up again and you again turn on music trying to drown out the thoughts but again fails and ends up sitting on your bathroom floor shirt off cutting again. After a bunch of new cuts you look down and you know you went too far because you slowly start to drift into blackness. The last thing you hear before you blackout is his boyfriend's Reid, Morgen, and Aaron barge into the bathroom.

After a while you wake up on your couch, your arms wrapped tightly in bandages and sleeping on Morgan's body. Morgan's arm wrapped around you protectively. Aaron and Reid are on the floor next to each other talking about you, saddened by the fact they couldn't tell you are in pain and that you felt you couldn't talk to them. They couldn't tell you were awake yet so you just tried to cuddle closer to morgen.

“Afternoon Moonlight.” Morgan said, rubbing a hand up and down my back. You let out a groan, getting a half hearted chuckle from the men in the room. A Crushing feeling of shame and guilt hits you and you start to cry slightly, your face hidden in Morgan's chest.

‘YOU BURDEN!’ your thoughts yell out. You cry slightly harder than Morgan hugging you closer sitting up with you on his lap. Aaron and Reid come in to hug you as well. Whispering sweet things in your ear. Somehow their sweet whispers slice up the thoughts and get rid of them.your crying stops but they don't move for a while. Then Morgan hands you to Aaron as if you weighed nothithing. Morgan got up and left somewhere but Aaron and Reid stayed next to you. Once your tears stopped you sat up. You couldn't make eye contact with any of them so you just started to play with Aarons tie. Morgan returned with 4 mugs of hot chocolate, placing them on the coffee table in front. Morgan sat down and opened his arm beckoning you to him. You got up from Aarons lap and walked over sitting in Morgan's lap. Talking one of the mugs you took a sip, Aaron and Reid took places by the table and after some silence Reid was the first to speak.

“Baby why didn't you say something?” he looked down at his hands Aaron quickly grabbing one and holding on to it. You continued to look down.

“I don't want to be more of a burden you you guys.” you mumbled.

“You are not a burden to moonlight.” Morgan said, planting a kiss on the top of your head then wrapped his arms around your stomach hugging you close to him.

“He's the right little wolf. You're not a burden. You're a strong man who can take a lot but asking for help or even just having someone to listen to doesn't make you a burden.” Aaron said Morgan's fingers found their way under your chin and he gently lifted your head to face him directly.

“Moonlight. What's going on?” Morgan asked. After some more silence you spoke.

“Sometimes…... .sometimes it just get loud. My thoughts get loud. I used to be able to drown them out with music but they've become louder. I couldn't find a way to stop them until….until i used my cutting. Again.” They were all silent.

“There is a 34% higher rating in autistic males self harming compared to non autistic males.” Reid said.

“Well how about we try to help you.” Aaron said “what if we make a list of things you can do instead of harming yourself? How does that sound, little wolf?” Aaron reached out, taking your hand. You nodded and for the next 20 minutes you and your boyfriends made a list of things to do for when you feel the need to harm yourself. The first one was calling them then there was stuff like, rolling up in a blanket,reading, sleeping, rubber band, writing the thought etc. after that was done you were passed over to Reid so that Aaron and morgan can make dinner for the 4 of you. The rest of the night was filled with cuddles, games, kisses, and more fun.

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