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claudiajcregg · 2 months

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Tell Other People About Your WIPs

make a list of all your WIPs with a brief description of each and then people can ask you questions about them and then tag other people.

Tagged by both @onekisstotakewithme and @miabicicletta 💜💜💜 Thank you, guys <3 I don't know who to tag that hasn't been tagged already. Interested? Tag, you're it! :) (Please do know that there are no set sections. Pick whatever you want. I went the deranged route.)

I have an outdated WIP list, and many others unaccounted for. This is just a selection of stuff I could see myself posting or editing/retooling to write something new. I love talking about my WIPs, about as much as I hate being perceived because they are not remotely interesting. (I also love knowing which ones people are interested in! I have an incentive to work on them!) (Instead of snippets, part of my feedback loop is sending actual rough drafts to get a sense of whether it's worth working on more.)

Multichapters, different levels of completion.

S5 Pregnancy AU. My main WIP. Can you believe I’ve had this idea for a year… almost to the day? I’ve been stuck since November bc I don’t know how I want this one to end, beyond a birth. (As I’ve mentioned in the past, I feel like this has legs to become a fluffy universe. I have ideas! Timelines!) Gist of it: CJ gets pregnant circa Zooey's kidnapping. How does it change S5? It's less angsty than you think.

Campaign bars, aka campaign conversations sometimes happened at bars in the 1998 campaign. Fun stuff. I need to pick it right back.

What Once Was Ours or the IM AU (2021), aka IM ends with a breakup. Not a WIP. Not a UFO. A secret third thing. (“Finished” but not edited, and I’m doubtful people would be interested. Probably bc of some bittersweet ~memories~ attached to it. I mean, I shared a third of it to discord and people couldn’t care less, at least after a while. Now, better IM AUs are being posted these days; I'm not in a rush.) 33 chapters. 150k words. I do reread it every once in a while, and I cannot put it down. But its 'age' takes me aback. If things had been different, I'd have posted this in H2 2021/Q1 2022 (or even the planned Q2-3 2021). But alas.

The “Almost Ready, question mark” Category

Another SVD prompt meme claim: what if CJ has the crush first. The thing is, I tend to write her as having a relatively obvious crush on him at first until something makes her wise up. So this is just some ridiculous, post-first-meeting thoughts. Most of it was written in one sitting! It kinda fits with something in the campaign bars fic, too.

Post birth, hospital story: A couple of hours after their bb girl is born. Pure fluff. Recently reworked it to make it less wordy. Still failed, but it’s better focused now.

Many ficlets – the few I did post on Tumblr that haven’t been posted to the story I’m collecting them in, plus a couple more. I'm thinking the ice skating one, Jan 22, a few post-eps I wrote last year, etc.

Ambitious Projects I don't think are happening right away (or ever), but probably have a detailed outline somewhere

(I put this up instead of last, because the next category has faves, but it's also a long one.)

Danny is back a bit earlier on s7. Toby leaks (or tries to leak? I always wavered) the shuttle to him, as he and CJ are getting closer.

Simon lives. How does his relationship with CJ evolve post-honeymoon phase? What is it like when Danny returns?

You’ve got mail AU. This outline had two ways the climax could go. I had fun.

Epistolary collab (?) fic. Probably an X + 1 fic. The only one with nothing written; don’t rule out writing it individually at some point.

And because this is so long already (but not as long as it could be)… A few more under the cut – more "I just want to make sure I like them" and "this meme reminded me I meant to pick those back up." And they are still not all. (How do you summarize seven years of writing?? I've only posted 20-something of them, lol.)

“Almost Ready (but I feel like I want to make changes to them) (might just redo them altogether)”

Haunted by the Notion, 2007 edition. My beta Ruth suggested this when she edited the other story, and I wrote it around then. It’s another Christmas dinner at Filomena, and, eight years later, things are different. I feel like it hits expected beats, and is just missing some oomph. Maybe. (As much as I do like it, half tempted to make it 2009. Or later.)

Heaven’s here…: A interrupted proposal. I’ve written many proposals over the years, and I love toying with different ideas and setups. Danny takes the lead here, but I’ve been intrigued by the idea of having CJ do the final twist.

5 to 6 am 'me' time. Another story inspired by last year’s rewatch that I wrote right at the start of it (so Jan 2023?). It has five short parts with five different years of what CJ describes in the pilot as her “me time.” This is one when I think one per year would be fun, but I don’t want to repeat myself.

One bed, “sexy” edition. An AU to a sort of AU (one of the drabbles from this summer) and… it's what it says on the tin. The world does not need to read my attempts at smut. If I didn’t put it in the previous category, it’s because I am not sure that I want to post it. (All the previous attempts are locked somewhere; unfortunately, someone loves this one and noticed when I tried to do that, lol.)

First baby kick: I remember writing this while in grad school (so, late 2017? First half of 2018) but I lost it, along other fic, when my laptop had to be reset because I used Bear to write back then, but didn’t have sync across devices. I rewrote it, and I feel like it's not the same, but still. It's sweet! Includes: Danny talking to the baby, domestic fluff, and… baby kicks!

“This meme reminded me they exist and I love them, so don't be surprised if they are posted before anything in a previous category”

(Lbr, if I added something about them in this post at all, it’s because they sparked some memory.)

Mosaic broken hearts: CJ, circa S4, jealousy. Prompted by a former fandom friend, back in my productive era (first half of 2021; before that friend just ghosted me.)

I can’t believe I captured your heart (pancake breakfast, three words and eight letters). For a while there, I edited it so much but then I fell off. iirc, it was part of some morning-related prompts I saw around that I tried to fulfill in 2018? 2019? And they had like internal progression. But this one was the best of the 3-4, and I kept tweaking it.

Green light of forgiveness (IM-ish) — there are many other IM/IM-Tomorrow snippets I’ve written over the years. I’m not sure if this one makes much sense, but I liked it enough.

Distance — I recall liking this one! Might have to bump it up. CJ is in Africa, Danny is at the Farm and sulking because they left off on some sort of argument. There is some Danny-Abbey friendship goodness here. I even have a second file that is “Distance - shorter version (it’s not)”

Danny writes fiction, shows it to CJ during her pregnancy and she’s into it. Technically written. I would probably try to take another stab at it. Third time might be the charm?

San Andreo phone call/fallout from ID. I just had the idea of CJ reaching out once things calm down. This is one of those fics I’ve written a version of every year or so, but I think there was one I liked quite a bit.

Terrible taste in men — a run-in with an OC ex of CJ. It was so dumb.

Fka Impatience - actually beta’d three years ago (by that fandom friend I've mentioned twice before… actually, three times) and “done”. I just think I’d change so much about it these days. It started being something else but ended up being a CJ-Toby friendship story in which they have lunch and catch up. But I would want to rewrite most of it now, and not just because it’s from like… 2019 (but finished in 2021).

I forgot this one initially! he's passing by, rare as the comet in my sky - 2? 3? times CJ thinks she sees Danny somewhere, and one time she does. (Which tried to work in the 'I remember shunning you' line.) I even wrote some sort of sequel later! Probably useless.

I said I would post a lightning round with fics that are either also done but not ready for me to mention them, or just… not done at all. The length of this post and how much I've spent on it is embarrassing. To give a general overview: in line with the nonsense I've been mentioning, includes phone calls at the end of S7, also a few friendship-focused fics around that time, too; present-day stuff; anniversaries; Hollis fundraisers; weddings; many ficlets, introspective thoughts, a “yes day” fic that's super sweet but needs better dares, the third memoir idea (the original one!!!!) that I had three years ago… And those are mostly the ones I had preselected, lol.

If you're interested, I can screenshoot this part in the notes app if you message me!

Anyway, this is embarrassing, and the worst part is that it's not all. fml.

#tell other people about your wips #wip memes #my writing #should I even tag this with the show or the pairing?????#long post

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admirableadmiranda · 1 year

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No worries if you feel like not answering and reccing, but do you have any all time fave recs for MDZS? I would love (and trust you) to hear more about them 💜

Hi Anon! You're so sweet, I just had to give you some answers!

Because I am a fickle person about faves, this is by no means an exhaustive list, but here are some of the ones that I return to over and over again. Some of these will have either characters or relationships that people may not care for so much, but you asked for my favorites so I will still share openly.

Falling to the Rhythm by Selenay just makes me really happy, it's a Strictly Come Dancing au where Wangxian are paired together and fall in love over the course of the shows. Features some light Yunmeng siblings and JC being a grumpy brother, but I rarely find that annoying in modern aus where he's not in the same positions he is in canon and the dances and ways they fall in love make me so happy. Also perhaps an unfairly tagged oblivious WWX, he's no worse than genuine canon CQL WWX who doesn't have reasons to make connections sooner than he does.

Preparing the Soil by Rynne is one of my all time favorites, where Lan Wangji creates a space for his husband in the Cloud Recesses and the effects of the Lan Qiren forbidding the juniors from talking to Wei Wuxian rule are dealt with. Lovely and warm and full of how much Lan Wangji loves Wei Wuxian and how much Lan Wangji himself is loved, it makes me smile and is one of my comfort reads.

Sunny Horizons by Justdoityoufucker (now orphaned) A really sweet fic that a former friend wrote for me containing happy Wangxian and a hearing disabled Wei Wuxian. While sadly our friendship seems to be over for good, this fic still makes me really happy and reminds me of the good times.

Wei Wuxian's Birthday Oneshots by origami79 is one of my favorites for just being a very cute collection of somewhat interwoven fics and a couple of art pieces all about celebrating Wei Wuxian! While the author hasn't returned to it yet, it's a reread for whenever I want a reminder that Wei Wuxian is also really loved.

Catching Your Reflection Passing By by Suspicious Popsicle is a very sweet story about soulmates in a very different way from how I've seen it any other time! Containing a Lan Wangji who has grown up seeing Wei Wuxian in shared reflections and a Wei Wuxian who can sometimes open doors and see Lan Wangji in doorways, it was really sweet and warm. Contains the same Yunmeng siblings/modern au disclaimer as Falling to the Rhythm.

The This River Runs To You series by sundiscus. My first Dragonji and also a case fic/modern cultivation that scratches the right itches. A smart Wei Wuxian and happy ending. Same Yunmeng siblings/modern au disclaimer.

glitteringmoonlight in general. She has a lovely array of works for all moods and all of them celebrate my favorite characters very well.

A Feast for the Eyes by Lareine. This one is just fun; both Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji run youtube cooking channels and A-Qing absolutely geeks out over getting to watch the two of them together. Only has two chapters, but what two we get are just a lot of fun and I really enjoy the free silliness of the story.

Grandmaster of Cultivation: Walkthrough and Guide by athylia

A very fun take on a fic where it's a guide to getting (or not) the secret route for the video game bachelor Lan Wangji in Modaozushi the video game!

notes on a scene by wishingswell. Another dance au where Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian are ballet dancers. Soft modern au, but the focus is really on Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji.

Both parts of constellations by northofallmusic. A story set during the Sunshot Campaign where Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji have to hide in a cursed tomb from Wen soldiers and it changes things just a little bit.

fish & wild geese by impossibletruths. Modern farm au where Lan Wangji returns from the big city to his childhood home and works through the grief of losing his mother and reconnecting with Wei Wuxian who lives on his grandmother's farm.

the place where you are by BlackWiresOnHerHead. A space travel au where Lan Wangji is a scientist on a mission to catalogue data of a supernova and Wei Wuxian is the mechanic of the ship that will take them through this solar system before it explodes. Has one chapter with a higher concentration of Jiang Cheng than I'd like, but otherwise I find the fic really enjoyable and the very sciency space ship traveling feeling something not easily done nor replicated.

Unavoidable by diamondbruise. Lan Wangji does not know who this Wei Wuxian is, but Wei Wuxian is in the Cloud Recesses to break a curse on his beloved. Lan Wangji can't shake the feeling that something is wrong about the whole situation. A curse fic that doesn't make me cringe or wince at the Wangxian and has the really adorable part where if Lan Wangji forgot he loved Wei Wuxian the first time, he'd just fall again.

Themes and Variations in F# Major by defractum (nyargles) this time it's a Wangxian are musicians au! Lan Wangji is a professional violin and pianist, Wei Wuxian a flute prodigy. While they traveled in similar circles since they were young, this is the story of when they finally connect. Contains some Jiang stuff I usually ignore as I'm not in it for the Jiangs, I'm in it for the Wangxian.

make this chaos count by devotedbones. Wei Wuxian gets to clock a guy in the jaw with his flute. Also contains one of my all time favorite lines "They had one foot in childhood and the other in the grave" describing the young men who went into the Sunshot Campaign. Fully CQL characterization.

CSI: Gusu Edition by Stratisfyre. I'm a sucker for fics where cultivation is blended with other more real world stuff and Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian being basically forensic scientists with cultivation is a really lovely blend. Contains some good uncle Lan Qiren and more CQL level characterization, but I still enjoy it more than a year later.

Future Cultivation AU by Aki_No_Hikari. A modern cultivators in college au in a world where Mo Xuanyu did not sacrifice himself to revive Wei Wuxian, but Wangxian's reincarnations met again in the future anyway. I love all the world building and thought put into it. The fifth installment is a particular favorite.

vinegar jug by dandelion-san. Future Lan Wangji arrives in Cloud Recesses Lectures and decides to entertain himself while waiting to go home by indulging all of little Wei Wuxian's whims easily. Little Lan Wangji tries and fails to not completely die of jealousy. Hilarious and the right tone for the situation.

Four Parts Honey and One Part Vinegar by masked. The juniors try to determine why Wei Wuxian never gets jealous when people are fawning over or trying to seduce his husband. In the end, the answer is very simple.

花无百日红; the flower that withers by yiqie. Sort of a time travel fic and sort of not. Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji encounter an invention that sends them tumbling back through their memories, unable to change anything but revisiting their pasts through fresh eyes, forgiving themselves for the things they did to survive.

and so my heart beats wildly by lily_winterwood. Modern cultivation au where cultivation is now an olympic sport! A bit more heavy on the misunderstanding level than I usually like, but they're teenagers for most of it so it fits more here, and they solve it pretty quickly once they get the hang of actually talking instead of walking on each other's hearts by mistake. Also contains yunmeng bros and kind of sad JC, but in a way that I really don't find that annoying.

shadows in the sun rise by Yuu_chi. Another Lan Wangji is cursed fic, but this one is absolutely about the highlights of how well Wangxian understand each other. As Lan Wangji's senses are locked to him, they are able to continue communicating almost the whole way through until the curse is broken, a very lovely difference from the way a lot of these curse fics go.

grow by Cafecliche. Wei Wuxian is temporarily cursed to be a small child. The juniors take good care of him.

moonlight caught in mutton fat by Raitalzen. This time it's a Twin Jades get cursed fic and Wei Wuxian and Lan Qiren team up to break the curse before it kills them for good. Seems to be following entirely CQL characterization so normal feelings about good uncle LQR are rendered irrelevant and also contains one of my favorite violently murderous Wei Wuxian because someone tried to kill his husband tropes.

The Guests of Cloud Recesses by cafecliche. There's a ghost in the Cloud Recesses and Wei Wuxian is uniquely qualified to deal with its problems.

Turnabout by miixz. A new favorite that I accidentally missed cause I started on page 2 of my bookmarks. Lan Wangji unexpectedly travels back in time and through his knowledge of what will come, changes the world for the better.

Tread Lightly on my Ground by AshayaT'Reldai. A rarepair fic of Lan Xichen and Qin Su! Before she can marry Jin Guangyao, Qin Su is assaulted by Jin Guangshan and runs off to Gusu in hopes that Lan Xichen will protect her and her unborn child from the Jin. Warnings should be taken into account.

I hope some of these wet your whistle, these are the fics I like to reread when I want something familiar.

#mdzs #mdzs fic rec #asks #anon #anon asks #please don't judge my taste #I like what I like #and I know what I can ignore for an otherwise more pleasant story

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acaciapines · 5 months

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20 Questions for Fic Writers

i was tagged by @snarky-wallflower and i love talking, lets go!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

70 total, but 5 of those are chara's! so under my name its 65.

2. What’s your total word count?

1,427,738.....

cannot wait to break 2 million w the owl house daemon au. lets go!! never stop!!!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

whatever i'm into, but for fandoms i see myself continuing to write for in the near-ish future: deltarune and the owl house!

4. Top 5 fics by kudos

you're something special: my first kris-identity fic! i have mixed feelings on this one lol. you can tell its the first i wrote and i hadnt yet solidified my version of kris, tho i think this one probably fits better with canon. overall i like it though!

but then a bigger heart grew back: ooooooh i REALLY love this one. its postcanon owl house fic centering on hunter's grief over flapjack's death and his friendship with waffles!!! i wrote and posted it the DAY after the finale came out which is still really wild to me. its also the only fic ive seen that uses my favorite headcanon of 'hunter didnt carve waffles, she found him' which im so so fond of.

i hope your organs fail you (before i do): this was the first deltarune fic i wrote after chapter 2 came out!! the beginning of my deltarune spiral....its sort of a messy non-chronological look at deltarune's various routes and how kris might experiencing the game's multiple save files. also it has such a banger title. salt lake city by motherfolk is just banger after banger lyrics-wise

non-imaginary friends: god i hate that this is up here dkgjdfg i wrote it back when deltarune first came out and it SHOWS. i refuse to reread it but i think it's kris trying and failing to introduce the dark worlds to asriel. c'mon guys ive written so many better deltarune fics. blease. let this one rest in the past <3

we don't belong (but we're together): oooh, a warrior cats one! im....i mean, this one is like, fine, i guess. it follows hollyleaf and jayfeather in an au where the two of them flee through the tunnels. it has fun lore and i do like my oc pine but. man. its also the fic where i gave hollyleaf a power and if theres one thing i would change about my warriors au its that holly would NOT get a power. this is why i pre-write all my fics before posting now!

5. Do you respond to comments?

yes!! or at least i try my best to. i love and appreciate all my comments sometimes im just Bad at responding to them....i never know what to say beyond 'wow thank you' so sometimes i try to focus more on comments where i can actually say something of substance, yknow?

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

oh thats hard hmmmmmmm. i think i'd have to say it's and i want to tell you something-- which is a fic about kris & ralsei & the player/soul, where susie and noelle try to save kris from the soul, but both kris and ralsei know they cant survive without it. so in the end kris shatters the soul and is implied to die rather than keep being trapped.

its!!! certainly a time!

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

hmmmm. i think most of my ending are pretty bittersweet so in terms of pure happy ending...gonna go for a deep cut here and say its my naddpod fic +1 dad in which moonshine meets lucanus when shes a kid and they hit it off and they get to have that father-daughter relationship from the start. bc lucanus is the BEST naddpod npc and oh my god he loves his daughter so so much you guys--

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i have a few times but its never been like, super major. the funniest time is. i deleted the comment so i dont have the exact wording but im pretty sure someone called me a fandom-deserting cur for. not writing more warrior cat fanfiction?

like what were they expecting. truly.

9. Do you write smut?

no im very aroace lol. i barely write romance.

10. Do you write crossovers?

i used to!!! i did the adventure zone crossed with both how to train your dragon and pokemon mystery dungeon: explorers of sky. i was a different person back then. i dont think i'd do it now, but. who knows.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not to my knowledge!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no, but i HAVE had a fic pod-ficced which is still so amazing. like......woag. someone liked my fic enough to read the words out loud?????? huh????

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

not exactly co-written but both sometimes i think i left you just to see if i'd be missed and a buy one, get one free sort of friend were inspired by conversations i had with my friend @hyperfixations-go-brr! they would not have existed without those long discord chats. halloween festival will live on forever. synth my love.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

im not super into ships beyond like. basic 'oh thats fun' when reading but i WILL actually give the two im the most excited to write in my dess raises kris au someday:

noelle/susie/ralsei: YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME. like. this is an au where noelle basically replaces kris in the fun gang but not in the prophecy and dkjgdfg its about. this budding relationship. and ralsei clinging to the prophecy that doesnt want noelle here and susie who bucks against anything that acts like it knows what shes supposed to do and noelle struggling with the return of her sister and a world that wants to write her out of the story and all of them wanting to be there for their friends but ralsei is dealing with so so much and in the end she gets to throw off her chains and be free <3 noelle/susie/ralsei is so real in my heart.

dess/chara: literally the funniest queerplatonic relationship ever. theyre reluctant coparents. dess trusts chara with kris's life. chara would never ever let dess watch either frisk OR kris unsupervised. chara is 'i can fix you' to dess's 'im literally the most perfect wife in the world.' dess doesn't believe romantic love is a real thing people feel. chara puts xir kids above everything else. dess never asked to be a mother even though she literally kidnapped her best friends baby sibling. they get married for the tax benefits. they should absolutely get a divorce.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

oh god theres so many i would love to finish but its been so long i doubt i'll go back to them lol. the sequel to +1 dad that involves baby moonshine going to gladeholm. wall-e daemon au. gravity falls transcedence au daemon au. percy jackson daemon au. deltarune daemon au fangame.

as you can see its mostly various daemon aus. they were fun while they lasted! but ive moved on </3

16. What are your writing strengths?

pov you are me suddenly forgetting every single thing i have ever written.

i think im very good at writing otherkin or otherwise nonhuman characters. the comments that always bring me the most joy are those on my otherkin fics, by people who were able to see themselves in what i wrote--i think this is a thing that took me a lot of failed attempts to get just right and im really really proud of what i have.

im very good at writing daemon aus <3 there is sort of. an art to figuring out if one a work even needs daemons and two how daemons enhance or add to some aspect of the original work. theres a lot of things i like that i dont think really work with daemons but i always really enjoy figuring out how to add daemons and how to make my daemons like, characters in their own right, you know?

i like to think im good at dialogue and characterization! theres a few characters--kris and the collector, firefly to an extent--that im really proud of the voices i've made for them.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

fight scenes. fight scenes. oh my god i hate them so much they are SO HARD. stop making me put!! visual things!! in my text based medium!!!

really any scene that relies on having a strong idea of like, physical descriptions and sense of a place--i have aphantasia so having to describe scenery and landscape and just, anything really is always a struggle for me.

i also struggle with pacing, to an extent, especially across longer works (im looking at you, owl house daemon au)--knowing how long a plot arc needs to last and how to make it interesting still even when its going to be around for 600k+ words is a challenge and if the owl house daemon au was my first massive fic undertaking i dont think i'd be able to do it.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?

god im so bad at it but i really really am trying to be better--one big thing im going to focus on in my owl house daemon au edit is based on this because i want luz's identity to stick with her throughout the fic rather than it taking a backseat, but i am not a spanish speaker!! i know like, a LITTLE, but nowhere near enough to feel confident writing it.

so. its a time!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

warrior cats. and beyond just 'oh its the first fandom i posted fic for' no i was writing warrior cat fanfiction from the START. i was out there on the playground coming up with warrior cat ocs. i was printing this stuff out in the school library. i would hand-write fanfiction about my childhood cats becoming warrior cats and starting their own clan. i would roleplay warrior cats on my bedroom floor with pictures of cats i cut out of printer paper and bits of plastic folders i folded into triangles and write down the stories i came up with.

i was the most warrior cat kid to warrior cat kid. I Have Always Been This Way.

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

ohhhhhh this is SUCH a tough question i have so many im so fond of, but i think i'm going to have to go with alterhuman. it's an animorphs fic about tobias post-canon and its an exploration of species identity and being a hawk and as a red-tailed hawk myself, a lot of it is deeply personal, a lot of it is my love letter to animorphs, and a lot of it is neffit, who is the best oc i have ever created, hands down.

as for tags, uh....anybody who wants to talk about their fics! even if we dont know each other!! go forth! ramble on about your own stuff for an hour!! truly so so fun.

also @wynterwulf7 and @mackerelgray and @hyperfixations-go-brr. obviously. <3 even if its about fic that isnt on ao3.

#chatter #this was fun!!!#its always so nice to have an excuse to talk about stuff you write yknow #like. this is why i post it! to have conversations n talk about stuff and its FUN. i love it.

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anxiouspotatorants · 1 year

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Hi.

So I reread your headcanon of Doula being a rebel like teen Jess, and I would like to add something -

So I read in a Medium article of how siblings, when even despite being given the same treatment from parents, they end up becoming two very different people; they cited Luke and Liz as an example.

So I was wondering- could this mean that Jess and Doula can become mirror versions of each other even despite experiencing different versions of Liz as a mother?

So... For example, Liz ran to New York and raised Jess as a single mom, and Jess had to do most of his growing up on his own; so maybe Liz and TJ are romantically entangled that they don't pay attention to Doula, and she's supposed to take care of herself and doesn't tell Luke or Lorelai, because she feels like a burden. And then, there's the relationship between Liz-Jess and Liz-Doula, where the former is somewhat complex and the latter parallels ASP's fraught mother-daughter/daughter-in-law relationships (Lorelai-Emily, Midge-Rose, Fanny-Michelle from Bunheads) but Liz is the immature one and Doula is the one who looks pained but has the final mic drop (you can see that in GG season 2 episode 2; Mrs Maisel season 3 episode 8, and Bunheads episode 11).

In terms of Jess and Doula's relationship, it could parallel Luke and Liz's, but sometimes it can parallel Lorelai and Rory's relationship, where Doula says something and Jess is inspired in many ways...

I also think Doula and Rory should have a love-hate relationship, where Doula doesn't like the way Rory is very indecisive in choosing Jess or Logan and she gives her a very rude awakening/ shake up like Jess's tough love talk in GG 06x08. But then, she shows that she cares for Rory in different ways like encouraging her to pursue Jess or even help babysit Rory's kid and listen whenever Rory feels low.

What do you think? I would love to know your thoughts.

Thanks. 😃

So it's been a while since I came up with my Doula headcanons so I don't quite remember my reasons or if I imagined that a rebellious Doula was going to live in a AYITL-canon world. I think what I was mostly interested in was how Jess is sort of unique on the show when it comes to being such an outcast in town. I liked the idea of a grown Jess seeing his past replay itself with another teen and him standing up for that kid and sort of healing his inner child through that experience.

I also think it would've been a great excuse to get to interrogate Liz' parenting and what this was truly like. Because we sort of take for granted that she either 100% sucked or that she was just some goofball based on how we as viewers interpret the hints and references to Jess' childhood and her love life before TJ. But we never get a proper canon dive into how Liz was as a mother to Jess, and I think showing how she raises or fails to raise Doula could force that into the light.

I also just liked coming up with a different approach to Doula because at the time I wrote that headcanon I had only seen headcanons about Doula where she was a very ideal little sister who was mostly there to help set up Jess and Rory, and one thing I love about Gilmore Girls is how so many side characters genuinely get to exist outside of the romantic plots. We would not have characters like Lane or Paris or Sookie in the capacity that we have if all ASP and crew cared about was writing Rory and Lorelai's romantic storylines and their conflicts with Emily and Richard. So I'd like to think a teenaged or grown up Doula would get to be her own character with an actual arc in relation to her brother, if the show had continued in some way. And teenage rebelliousness felt like an obvious but solid route to go.

#thanks for reading my headcanons!#doula danes #jess mariano #gilmore girls headcanons #my headcanons #other people's headcanons #gilmore girls #the potato rants

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seb-writess · 2 years

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BOOKS I READ (APRIL 2022)

General thoughts of the books I read in April '22! I read 8 books in April (7 new and one reread). My top recommendations from this month are

Our Year of Maybe by Rachel Lynn Solomon

Autoboyography by Christina Lauren

All That's Left in the World by Erik J. Brown

My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell

Find synopsis and reviews under the cut!

Perfect on Paper by Sophie Gonzales Contemporary, romance, LGBTQ+, High school

Summary: Darcy runs a business, where you can write to her anonymously and ask her for love and relationship advice, where she will e-mail you back. She has 99% success rate. Only when Alex one day finds out who she is and what she can do, he black mails Darcy into helping him win his girlfriend back. Darcy is busy figuring out her own love life with her best friend, Brooke, trying to keep her identity a secret, all while having a bisexual crisis.

Rating: 3/5

I always like Gonzales' analysis of sexuality, although sometimes I think it can fall flat in the sense it doesn't run too deep. It feels like I'm being talked at sometimes, rather than reading a discussion. Though her nuances in characters is entertaining and the way she writes discovering parts of themselves can feel spot-on. I also like the way she perceives different complications in relationships; I find it's always with a fresh take and sometimes a little too relatable (in a good way).

I didn't hate this book. I didn't like the main couple though (I was routing for them to get with other people) though I loved the discussion of bi erasure and how that can effect bisexuals coming to terms with that part of their identity, even though the discussion itself can feel a bit flat to me. I liked all the characters individually. It's a good story, especially if you enjoy Sex Education.

Our Year of Maybe by Rachel Lynn Solomon Contemporary, romance, LGBTQ+, High school

Summary: Sophie and Peter have been best friends since childhood. Inseparable. Both them and their families, but Peter has lived with a dysfunctional kidney since he was born. When Sophie finds she's a perfect donor match, it's a no-brainer what happens next. Except post-operation, Peter is now allowed to discover parts of himself he didn't realise he held, and those parts don't always align with Sophie's. Sophie expects them to grow ever closer, bonded by a whole organ. Peter is ready to find out who he is outside of his house, and outside of Sophie.

Rating: 4/5

This was a really interesting read. I loved the back and forth. Loved both characters. Loved the emotional turmoil from both of them as they go through not only the operation, but what it does to them mentally (together and as individuals). I kind of wanted it to go darker, go just that little bit deeper, but I also think it reflects on the characters Solomon built that it didn't. A really good deep-dive into a co-dependent relationship, and breaking out of that, also what happens when you stake all your claim on loving one person only.

(Reread) Autoboyography by Christina Lauren Contemporary, romance, LGBTQ+, High school

Summary: Bisexual Tanner Scott moves from Palo Alto, California to Provo, Utah, and Provo's heavily Mormon population isn't something to glance over. As a result, Tanner is forced back into the closet. He thinks this is fine; it's only until college. No one in Provo (besides his family), needs to know anyway. Until he immediately falls for Sebastian Brother. Smart, funny, intelligent, athletic. Mormon. And the pastor's son. Complicated with a capital C.

Rating: 5/5

When I say I'm obsessed with this book I mean I'm obsessed with this book. It was about this time I tested positive for Covid so what else was I going to do but reread all my favourites. I had only first read this book two weeks ago, but my need for a reread was too strong to pass. I love these characters. I love how deeply Christina and Lauren dive into their identities and the complications of being together in such a small and heavily religious town. I love how fleshed out all the characters are, not just Tanner and Sebastian. The chemistry between them is insane. The prose is incredible. It's so easy to pick up and so hard to put down. It has an incredibly bittersweet ending, but it was so satisfying. I've been recommending this book to anyone who will listen.

The Charm Offensive by Alison Cochrun Contemporary, romance, LGBTQ+, Adult

Summary: Think The Bachelor. But make it gay. That's what happens when lead contestant Charlie begins to grow closer to his handler and producer of the show, Dev. Likewise, Dev begins to find it hard to find the balance between work and keeping a professional distance. And that distance shrinks very quickly.

Rating: 3.5/5

I think I'd give this a higher rating if I read it again, but it just felt so fast paced I couldn't keep up at times. But this book has some incredibly good parts, and Cochrun does an amazing job of making characters that are so easy to love. The depiction and discussion of mental illness and the ways in which it appears in different people is incredible, and doesn't feel forced at all. It's very entertaining overall, but there were some scenes I found hard to get through. Although I liked the ending itself, I didn't quite enjoy how it got there. (Minor spoiler warning ahead) I'm never a fan of big, impassioned speeches in front of a crowd at the end of a story; it's just not my thing. I felt it was necessary in this scenario, but I didn't enjoy it anymore than it wanted me to.

My Favourite Half-Night Stand by Christina Lauren Contemporary, romance, Adult

Summary: Millie Morris has always been one of the boys, and her four best friends love her like one of their own. But she's always had more of an attachment to Reid than to anyone else, and this attachment comes to a head one night when they take their friendship further and sleep together. This might not have complicated things so much, if Millie wasn't about to start talking to Reid through a dating app under an alias. Now Reid is falling for (who he thinks) are two different women, and Millie is having a hard time pushing him to fall for the right one of them.

Rating: 2.75/5

Meh. I have nothing more to say about this book. It wasn't terrible. It wasn't great. I think it hit on some good points about finding the right people to trust to open yourself up to, and definitely hit the complications of online dating. I think there might have been too many characters. If it had been a four person group total, or even three, the other characters would have come out more well-rounded (Alex got no development at all, and the book would have been the same without him; even though I really liked him). It's a cute story, and that's about it.

Cinderella is Dead by Kalynn Bayron Fantasy, romance, LGBTQ+

Summary: Cinderella is dead, and she has been for 200 years, but what she's left behind is a society run by men, where a woman's value is based on if she's chosen at the annual ball. If she's not, it means worse than death for not only her, but her whole family. Sophia is, rightfully, pissed. She hates the system, hate what's expected of her, and hates she can't be with who she chooses. So what if she followed in Cinderella's footsteps, and ran away from the Annual Ball, not even leaving a slipper in her wake?

Rating: 2/5

I wanted to like this book so badly, but it bored me to tears and I had the worse time trying to finish it. I didn't like Sophia, who as the main character, makes the book that much harder to get through. The concept is so interesting and the twist the world has put on the tale of Cinderella and how that feeds into propaganda had such potential. I liked Constance, the main love interest. I don't mind that the ending was so cliche, (I like cliche and it still had enough twists to keep me semi-interested), but it felt both rushed and too slow at the same time. I'm still interested in reading Bayron's other works, but I'm no longer in a rush to do so.

All That's Left in the World by Erik J. Brown Contemporary, LGBTQ+, Post-apocalyptic, science fiction

Summary: There was covid. And then there was this. A plague has descimated the world's population, leaving only a few survivors behind, Andrew being one of them. Except he's that much closer to being one of the unlucky ones when he steps in a bear-trap that he himself set weeks prior. With a broken and infected leg, he stumbles upon Jamie, out in the woods, alone in his cabin, and pointing a gun at Andrew's face. But these two have a lot in common, the biggest thing being: being alone any longer is scarier than facing death.

Rating: 4/5

Incredible! Astounding! I'm addicted!! Firstly, please read this book for the confession scene alone. I've never scene such a great and nuanced depiction of opposites attract. It's scary in all the right places, happy when it needs to be, the chemistry built between Andrew and Jamie is so natural; it's beautiful. I like it's not zombies, it's a real world illness, which obviously due to current events, makes it so much more relatable. The peak into the human psyche and what one is willing to do to protect themselves vs. protect those they care about feels so real. It's has a snappy pace, not staying in one place for long, keeping you interested and intrigued, always wondering where it will go next, and who you can trust along the way. The ending is satisfying, and leaves it open for a sequel, which I'm crossing my fingers Brown gets the chance to write!

My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell Contemporary, fiction

TRIGGER WARNING: Graphic depictions of child abuse, sexual assault, emotional abuse and suicide

Summary: At fifteen years old, Vanessa Wye becomes addicted to one thing and one thing only; the attention of her teacher Jacob Strane. And Strane seems far too eager to give it. Seventeen years later and Vanessa is struggling to find herself outside of him, and more importantly, how what he did shaped herself and her life.

Rating: 4.5/5

This is a dark read, but a fantastic one at that. The prose is elegant, accurate, addicting and terrifying all at once. It fills with you a deep sadness, regret and anger at the same time. The ending frustrated me, and I know in that way it's meant to be realistic. There's not always justice in these stories, and there is ever rarer a happy ending. It made me scream in anger over some pages and cry over others. If you can stomach it, it's a beautifully insightful book into a sexual-abuse victim's telling from one journey to the next.

#perfect on paper #sophie gonzales #our year of maybe #rachel lynn solomon #autoboyography #christina lauren #my favorite half night stand #the charm offensive #alison cochrun #cinderella is dead #kalynn bayron #all that's left in the world #erik j brown #my dark vanessa #kate elizabeth russell

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posts-from-employee-427 · 2 years

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I have a question, stanley. When you look deep into your core- is there something there? Or are you empty? Are you void of what makes a person, a person? Does it hurt? Is it like a pit, black and endless, waiting to consume you? Or is it like something inside of you is broken, and you’ll never be able to fix it?

...

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a monstrous vermin. We don't even get to know what he was like before he turned into this. We can try to infer things from how people react to his change, how his family misses who he once was, but their treatment towards him takes a turn so fast it's hard to really tell.

I sometimes wonder if he was ever human to begin with. Even if he was, maybe he had always resembled more of a bug than a man. Maybe that just who he was deep down and he could only contain it to his nightmares for so long. That really he was just a giant insect that caused the people around him to feel waves of disgust and burden. It feels unfair.

But maybe it isn't. Maybe he was truly always like that and we aren't shown because then we'd have no care for what happens to him. If he was as awful to be around then as he was to look at now then surely that means it's alright, right? This was meant to happen then. It's revenge.

Then why does he starve himself? If he really was such a horrible person surely regardless of the circumstances he'd have no care what burden he is to others. He wouldn't have starved himself to death so that they may be free of him. I reread The Metamorphosis and each time I do I find myself just trying to figure out who Gregor Samsa is. And each time I find a different answer. And each time I feel it's the wrong one.

So I read it again, and I flip to page one, and When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a monstrous vermin, and I reach the end, and I find a new meaning, and the cycle continues. And at some point I begin to wonder if Gregor Samsa is real. Of course he's a fictional character, and therefore can't be, but I wonder if he's alive. If each time I flip back to page one he feels it as he starts over. As he has to experience every torturous moment again. Just to once again take the selfless route and let himself become more human than he ever was in doing so. For me to ponder it for a few minutes before starting again.

And I wonder which one of us is more trapped.

And I wonder if the answer would satisfy me, or if I'd start again to find a new one.

When I look over at my colleague while writing this I'm nothing but conflicted. I know nothing about who either of us were before the parable. All I know is who he hurt. It's no longer me. It's now a list, one of at least two people. Had it been just me it would have been fine, because I don't remember who I was before. For all I know I deserved it. And if I didn't then I certainly did after some time in here. 432 never deserved it though.

But as I watched him in that museum frozen in place I realized something so inherently human in his face. Some emotion that went beyond what physical existence could present as humanity. I know now that no matter what the hell he had done before I couldn't hurt him for it now. He had long since starved whatever vermin he once was.

Mine had only recently awoken.

It's what I feared. That if I looked deep into my core I'd find I was some monstrous vermin waiting to bring fear and disgust into any room I walked in. Being nothing but a burden to those around me. I can see now that when this started I had buried it deep into my center where it waited. And it crawled its way out slowly. It rocked in bed and moved its legs uncontrollably as I hurt and as I hurt others. And once I had been to stressed with what was happening around me to keep it down, it consumed me.

And I woke up. And I set the time. And it was far past when my alarm clock would go off. And my nightmares were no longer just that.

I've lost some part of me that made me human. I'm not the monstrous vermin I knew I was deep down. I've been that way since the incident.

I know how I feel about William. I have for quite a while. But if I do not starve myself of this I will remain as I am. I do a very poor job of staying hungry, it seems.

...

If I got to an ending, if I tried to reset without fear of what would happen to him, maybe then I would've proven I've starved myself. Maybe then I would gain back the humanity I can feel myself losing. I could be rid of the core that has consumed me and start to truly be human.

And if it didn't work the first time, I could try again. And again. And again. And I could keep reaching an ending. I could keep things resetting. And if I keep flipping back to page one just maybe the universe will have decided that Gregor Samsa had starved himself to death enough times to pay for his wrong choices and he would wake up a human. One with all of his humanity. One with his mental and emotional state in tact and all of his memories and the undoubtable knowledge that he is real. He always was. His fears were irrational and everything was ok. And all he had to do was deny himself the right to remain as he was with others to gain this.

#(IM BAAAAAACK)#(Stadmin immediately returning with the most incomprehensible post thats way too many words to actually read felt like the only right way)#(so here we are. right before my break i kept meaning to get past the first sentence or this one and just never could.)#(but here we are with this monstrosity so. enjoy.)#(not completely accurate to the metamorphosis but its fine cuz hes projecting)#not employee 427 in the tags

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fizzie · 2 years

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Here it is, the sans essay (more under cut)

Sans Undertale

Sans the skeleton is a very popular character from an indie game called Undertale. Undertale was released in September of 2015, it is a 2d role-playing game created by Toby Fox. The game gained an astounding amount of popularity in just a few short months after the game’s release, selling over 500, 000 copies on steam (Undertale, Fanlore Wiki). Though, the main focus of this writing shall be on Sans specifically.

Sans is a very interesting character, although simple in design, sporting just a hoodie and shorts, he has captured the attraction of many fans. In the game he is just any other Non-Player Character who, depending on how you play the game, you could face off against him in battle. Sans has befallen the fate of several similar characters before him, and has been claimed by a phenomena known as "The Tumblr Sexyman". This is a strange online phenomena that dates back to early 2012, where users on Tumblr, a social-media website that is popular amongst the stranger people of the internet, would latch onto one character and create countless fanworks related to them. To give credit where it’s due: the original and most recognisable Tumblr Sexyman is the Onceler from the 2012 movie "The Lorax". Since then, there have been many Sexymen, even enough to have a large list called the Sexypedia to compile them all, but few reach peak fame levels such as Sans. According to Sexypedia there are only two “Apollyon”(highest Sexyman rank), Sans, and the blueprint of it all: the Onceler (Sexypedia).

While I could have done this essay on any other Sexyman, I chose Sans because he was a direct influence on me when I was younger. In late 2015-2016, I was 12 years old and on the internet, which naturally led me to discovering Undertale, and Sans in turn. I cannot say exactly why I loved him so much, but there were many others like me who had inexplicably fallen for this short, hoodie-clad skeleton. Most of my research has been strongly based on the knowledge I already had, with quite a few modern takes and rereading to make sure my facts are correct.

Routes

There are multiple routes in Undertale, which is another reason why people loved the game so much. With each choice the player makes in combat, ie. whether to spare or kill a creature and how many they choose to kill, has an effect on later interactions and the overall outcome of the game. The most common is the neutral route, where the player kills one or more monsters, in which there are several versions once again depending on which major boss is killed. The second route, if the player chooses to do a standard run of the whole game, is the pacifist route, where the player kills no monsters. However the first time playing through to the end of the pacifist route can be considered a neutral ending, or sometimes an “imperfect pacifist run”. It is here where the player has a choice to go back and complete certain things which were previously inaccessible in the route, such as going into the True Lab, a location only accessible in the True Pacifist route (Undertale Wiki). Finally, there is the "No Mercy" route, sometimes known as the "Genocide Route" though notably this name had controversy around it and is less commonly used. This route is somewhat self explanatory, where the player never uses the “MERCY” button which spares the monster’s lives in encounters, and instead kills every monster they come across. The "No Mercy" route is difficult and comes with strict requirements, such as combing through each new area and killing the monsters until the counter (which only appears in this route, to help you complete it) reaches zero. Another notable feature of this route is that the bosses are much more challenging.

Sans plays an interesting role in each route, He appears right before the last boss in the Final Corridor, and assesses the player on their actions in the game. It is here that if the player has gone through the "No Mercy" route, they will face Sans in a boss fight.

The neutral route has the most variation of interactions Sans can have with the character. There are many specific facets of this route that I could cover because of its inherent versatility. One notable place that is inaccessible in any other route can only be accessed in an imperfect pacifist route, or a no EXP neutral route. After encountering Sans in the final corridor, the player must reload their game from the last save before they talk. In doing this, Sans will notice and the player has already heard his monologue and instead gives a codeword, then another which is revealed by once again reloading the save. Sans then gives the protagonist a key to his room, which has been mysteriously locked up until that point. Sans’ room is extremely messy and somewhat , however, in his drawer the player will find a key that leads to another area that was not able to be unlocked. Only if the player had wandered around the town thoroughly would they have found the locked door, as it is very difficult to find due its location behind Sans and Papyrus’ house. The key leads to a place called Sans’ workshop in the basement of the house. This room bears much resemblance to the True Lab that the player can explore in the "True Pacifist" route. There are blueprints and a machine behind a curtain in the room. There are pictures in the drawers: one of Sans and one of a bunch of people the protagonist does not recognise, and depending on the players actions, there is another picture of Sans, the protagonist and all of their friends. This room is what sparked many theories with Sans’ connection to Alphys’ True Lab and possibly W.D Gaster, who is a character that never appears in the game and is for the most part a mystery(Undertale Wiki).

The True Pacifist route is only accessible after a kill-free neutral route, therefore many Sans-specific things will be repetitive up until the ending. In this route however, the player is able to access the True Lab beneath Alphys’ regular lab. Here it is strongly implied that the two worked together in the past. In one of the rooms there is a device called the DT Extraction Machine(Undertale Wiki). This is the machine that was used to remove the souls from the fallen children that were captured in the underground. The machine resembles a deer skull, similar to that of Asriel in his boss fight. Another character who has an animal-shaped skull weapon is Sans, although his skull appears to be more like a canine.

The No Mercy route is by far the most infamous route of the three possibilities. It involves, as the name suggests, never using the Mercy button in the game. The player has to kill every character and boss they encounter in order for it to succeed, as well as exhausting a “kill counter” (Undertale Wiki). The kill counter does as the name suggests, count the number of monsters killed in an area. The player must kill monsters until the counter reaches zero before progressing or else the run will fail. Usually during a standard playthrough of the game the No Mercy route is the one players do last, because it also has effects on any play of the game after. Correlation is one of the things that made Undertale stand out, as at first it just appears to be a cute RPG that has slightly dark lore. However some of the characters being seemingly self-aware, for example Sans, make it more interesting. The No Mercy Route is where the player gets to see more of what he can be like as a character. His change in demeanour is noticeable right away, he makes comments about the player “pretending to be human”. Before entering the Snowdin town he warns the protagonist that if they continue on as they have been doing and end up fighting Papyrus, that “they are going to have a bad time.” This line, as well as a few others Sans says in this route, have become iconic due to the shock factor of this popular lighthearted character suddenly becoming threatening in an instant. After his Snowdin threat, Sans disappears for the rest of the No Mercy route until the last corridor. His absence is very apparent, in any other route he pops up multiple times, providing funny banter and silly puns. Sans returns in the final corridor where, for the first time in any route, he will fight the player as a boss. Despite his in-game description as the “easiest boss in the game”, he is considered the most difficult (Undertale Wiki). His defence and attack stat is both 1, making him the weakest, it is the fact that he dodges the players attacks that makes him different because no other boss does this. His attacks also come so quickly that the player has to constantly avoid them, even going so far as to break the fourth wall and still cause the player damage in the fight menu.

Prior to entering the final corridor the player walks through an area called New Home. This is where the King, Asgore Dreamurr, planned to have most of the monsters live. After a while they spread out and fewer monsters lived in New Home. It is a monochromatic grey city, strikingly different to the brightly coloured and inviting areas elsewhere. There is a house that is an exact replica to the one Toriel lives in in the ruins, this is Asgore’s home. It is completely identical except for being entirely grey like the rest of New Home. Here is where the player can find the True Knife and the Locket. In any other route they are known as the Worn dagger and Heart Locket (Undertale Wiki). These are items belonging to the first human that fell into the Underground, Chara. In neutral and Pacifist routes the attack and defence stat of both items is 15, but only in the No Mercy route does it become +99, making them the most powerful items in the game. These are the items the player wields during their fight with Sans.

Bonus information

In the game Sans is a very humorous character. His dialogue often features him making jokes and especially puns. He is a very laid back monster often getting called “Lazy bones” by his brother Papyrus. Sans interacts with the protagonist playfully throughout the whole game, sometimes pulling pranks on them (i.e. putting a whoopee cushion on the player's chair). Despite this, there are times in the game where he will suddenly become eerily quiet and threatening. He talks about an “old lady” he befriended, who is later revealed to be Toriel, a character the player meets earlier in the game. Sans explains that he had made a promise to her: that if he met a child that came out of the ruins, he would protect them, and Sans says that if he had not made that promise “t h e y ‘ d b e d e a d w h e r e t h e y s t a n d” (Undertale Wiki). It is at this point where the player's perception of Sans changes. Where at first he seemed like just a comic relief character, you realise that Sans is much more than that.

Sans is notably apathetic towards most things in his life, which is why he is often seen by other characters as just "lazy". He works four jobs and is scolded frequently by his brother. However, Sans cares deeply for other people in his life, namely his brother Papyrus, and also the townsfolk of Snowdin where he lives.

He also is shockingly observant and very good at analysing the intentions of the protagonist, being able to tell if the player has chosen to do certain things in the game, such as kill or reset. Towards the end of the game, there is a place called the Final Corridor, where you meet Sans once again before proceeding to whatever ending the player’s actions have led to thus far. It is here that Sans judges the player based on their Execution Points (EXP) and Level Of ViolencE (abbreviated as LOVE). A player's EXP goes up if they kill a monster, and depending on who specifically it was, for example Papyrus or a different main character, Sans will react differently. It is here where his true colours show through, where he speaks jarringly analytical and cold, rather than just the humour he used to relieve tense situations before.

Throughout the game Sans occasionally makes jokes or says things that hint at him possibly having more knowledge than the rest of the NPCs. After the player resets the game Sans will remember if the player killed people in the previous route. There are only two characters that do this, Sans, and Flowey. Flowey has the ability to break the fourth wall and remember previous routes due to his backstory. Sans, however, is surprising due to his innocuous role. Learning more about him and his past, working with Professors Alphys and W.D Gaster, who himself is a mystery, it seems Sans is more than just a funny comic relief character (Undertale Wiki).

Papyrus is the younger brother of Sans, despite being nearly double his size. He is a stark contrast to Sans’ laidback attitude, as he is loud and energetic where his short brother is not. Sans gets scolded by Papyrus on his laziness frequently, but it is never done maliciously. He tells him off light-heartedly, more out of genuine concern and love. In their house there is a sock on the floor of their living room that is surrounded by sticky notes transcribing a written argument over whether or not Sans should pick it up. He also worries a lot about Papyrus’ seemingly endless kindness, as he can only see the good in people, whereas Sans reads people's real intentions. Sans cares deeply about him and even goes so far as to lie to him about the deaths of monsters if the player kills anyone in a neutral route (Undertale Wiki). When fighting Sans in the No Mercy route, his dying words are asking Papyrus if he wants anything from the local diner as he stumbles off screen.

The door to the ruins is near where Sans works at one of his many sentury jobs. Throughout the game Sans often mentions an “old lady” he talks to behind the door. They make jokes together and develop a friendship despite never seeing each other face to face. When Toriel finds the protagonist after they fell into the underground and she realises that she will not be able to keep them safe in the ruins, she makes Sans promise not to hurt them when they inevitably leave her. Towards the end of the True Pacifist routeToriel leaves the ruins and meets Sans face to face and they both seem happy about it. The both of them enjoy making jokes to one another, which makes Toriel’s ex-husband, Asgore slightly jealous because of how well they get along. Whether their relationship is romantic or platonic is up for interpretation by the player, however the general view is that they flirt jokingly but are just friends.

Throughout the game there are a few minor hints that Sans may have worked with the monster science Alphys, as well as a mysterious former scientist by the name WD Gaster. Not much is known about Gaster other than he built the Core, which provides power for the Underground, and that he died after accidentally falling into it. In the epilogue of the True pacifist route Sans briefly mentions knowing Alphys, as well as prior to entering the True Lab he calls the player and says to be careful of the dogs inside. This implies that he is aware of the monster experiments Alphys was secretly doing in the basement of her normal lab, where several dog monsters had ended up melting together to form an amalgamate for Endogeny. There are also other mentions of Gaster doing research on timelines, and he was working on a machine which looks very similar to one of the attacks Sans uses in his boss fight. Sans is aware of timelines and the player’s ability to reset and change the game, even noticing if the player has gone into the game files themselves to mess around and cheat. Flowey, Sans and Gaster are the only characters who seem to be aware of these things, though Sans and Gaster are likely the two who have had past interactions. Fans have also speculated that W.D Gaster might possibly be related to Sans and Papyrus. WD in his name stands for Wingdings, and there is one journal entry in the True lab presumably written by him because it is written in unreadable wingdings. This makes him the only other character other than the aforementioned skeleton brothers to not use the standard font as the rest of the game and be named after a font.

In the town of Snowdin where Sans lives with his brother, the residents are all very friendly. The player can walk around and talk to them all, a few mention that Sans and Papyrus did not always live there, but instead just showed up one day from nowhere and made a place for themselves. The monsters of Snowdin always speak fondly of the two skeleton brothers, especially in Grillby’s, the town diner. Sans is a regular here and all the customers know his name and speak jovially to him when he comes in. He takes the player in for a meal at one point, and when leaving he tells Grillby to put the meal on his tab. It is suspected by many that he has never paid off said tab.

Alternate Universes

Another part of Undertale that made it so different to other fandoms was the countless Alternate Universes, or AUs for short. AUs are usually fan-made re-imaginings of a certain source, whether that be a TV show, movie, or in this case, a game. Some media have canonical AUs in it, Marvel is a great example of this. Undertale’s Aus were all fan-made however. Fans would change the personalities of characters and redesign them and place them in something similar but slightly different to the main story. Some AUs built off of each other or were mash-ups of two entirely different AUs by separate creators. This is where things get really convoluted and hard to follow. Sans was a big fixture in any given AU as he was a fan favourite. Many AUs created by people did not even have redesigns for the whole cast, and some were just Sans with a different outfit and storyline. This is why Undertale fans, and specifically the fans of Sans, were so unique.

There were many AUs created, too many to name in a short paper. However there were two that quickly became the most popular: Underfell, and Underswap (Fanon AU Wiki.). These two have the most content and in depth character lore out of all AUs, as they were also among the first to be created. Being such popular creations, these in turn inspired fans to create more, and have each AU connect in some way, usually through Sans.

Underfell is essentially a reimagined version of Undertale, but instead of most of the monsters being nice, they are actively cruel to not only humans but other monsters as well. All the characters take on a similar mindset to Flowey in the original game: that you either “Kill, or be killed” (Sans/Underfell). Underfell Flowey is the opposite and takes on a friendly protective roll to Frisk. The two of them try and befriend the murderous monsters as they travel through the Underground. The AU is a darker version of Undertale, with most of the characters taking on more reds and blacks into their design. In Underfell Frisk is still the protagonist, and they travel the Underground much like the original. In this AU, Frisk is accompanied by Flowey, who is significantly more wary and meak, and together they traverse the Underground trying to make it out alive. Underfell Frisk, in most interpretations of the AU, tries to “reform” the evil monsters along their travels. This is similar to Undertale but with the added difficulty of the whole monster race being genuinely bloodthirsty and cruel rather than just misunderstood.

Underfell Sans, sometimes known as just Fell(or Red, or Cherry) to fans, is very different from his original character (Sans/Underfell). For starters he lacks the love for humour and puns. He does not greet Frisk and actively shows hatred for the child in the beginning. Fell Sans believes in the kill or be killed motto in most interpretations of the AU. He also is significantly more depressed, but shows it more in the form of aggression and mean comments rather than jokes. His relationship with his brother is very different, Papyrus calls him weak and physically abuses Fell Sans believing that he is lazy and would die without his reluctant protection. Fell Sans also suffers from insomnia and is often depicted with an apathetic expression with deep bags under his eyes(which does not make much sense because he is a skeleton, but most just suspend disbelief). He is capable of caring, but it is a sign of weakness in his universe so it is mostly reserved. Many depictions of Fell have him speaking with a lot of profanity, which has led to a few humorous interactions with other Sans AU characters who try to censor him as he speaks.

Fell Sans does not share Undertale Sans’ love for ketchup, it is actually listed as one of the condiments he hates the most (Sans/Underfell). Instead he is often drawn drinking mustard, or less commonly relish or mayo. He also does not use puns like his original counterpart, and prefers practical jokes or mean sarcasm. A fan comic of Underfell showed his brother adopting a cat, to which the both of them discovered Red’s allergy to them. This was later established as canon by the author.

Sans is considered lazy in Underfell to the other characters, much like Undertale, however it is brought up with malice rather than playful teasing. Fell Sans still lives with Papyrus in this AU despite the two of them having a significantly more strain relationship than in the original. Underfell Papyrus is both verbally and physically abusive to Sans, and in some fanart depictions have shown him going so far as to keep the shorter skeleton on a leash. Sans’ canon fragility is common throughout the AUs and Underfell is no different. This leads many of the monsters to try and kill him for fun. While it seems like they dislike each other, Fell Papyrus will usually stop these fights from happening in order to keep his brother alive, however he states that he only keeps him around for convenience. When out in public Fell Papyrus demands that Sans call him “boss”, and will hit him if he does not. There are very few times that Fell Papyrus seems to actually care for his brother, though in private and when around Underfell Frisk, he is less mean to Sans. Fell Sans sometimes slips up and calls Papyrus “bro” out of habit, which is what usually gets him hit, but Papyrus seems to care less when the two of them are not around other monsters.

At first Sans hated Frisk, but because he is a weak monster he never fought them. In some art people show Frisk befriending him before the Judgement hall, however the original creator said Sans only promised not to hurt them after their encounter in the hall. Most fans accepted the non-canon interpretation that they became friends early on after Frisk befriends Papyrus, rather than the actual story of the AU . The three of them are often drawn goofing off much like in the original, Underfell Papyrus even makes the three of them spaghetti, which may or may not be edible.

Underswap is the second most popular AU of Undertale. It is a very in depth AU, where most of the characters' roles and personalities have been swapped. This concept leaves room for many possible versions, for this paper I will be speaking about the most common Underswap made by Popcornpr1nce (Sans/Underswap). In this version all of the major characters have been swapped with a counterpart they seem to have the most contrasting parallels to eg: Sans and Papyrus, Frisk and Chara, Toriel and Asgore, etc. The swapped characters keep the colour schemes that they have in the original for the most part, only switching their styles of clothing slightly. The “routes” in Underswap are generally the same as in Undertale. There is not an official fan-made game for Underswap but there is a group called Team Switched in the process of making one based off of Popcornpr1nce’s version (Sans/Underswap).

Underswap Sans’ personality was switched with Papyrus, from the original game. For the most part he is the same: loud, playful, and kind to the protagonist. Swap Sans keeps the same laugh as well, albeit slightly altered so instead of “Nyeh heh heh” it is “Mweh heh heh” (Sans/Underswap). He is ambitious and is trying to capture a human to become a part of the royal guard, just as Undertale Papyrus was. It is also a known fact that Underswap Sans is slightly self conscious of his height, which remained small like his original counterpart. Due to this, Underswap Papyrus slouches down significantly to make Sans feel less small, but this also ties into his laziness which Sans scolds him for. When he first meets the protagonist he challenges them to a battle but will refuse to kill them if they take too much damage and lets them go free.

The relationships between Underswap characters remain essentially the same as the original game, albeit with switched rolls. Underswap Sans loves his brother but frequently scolds him for being lazy or apathetic. He is training with Alphys, who in this AU is head of the royal guard. However she mainly goes along with him to be nice, knowing that he would be too kind hearted to actually be a part of the guard. He is sweet and usually shown as very innocent, leading many people to give him the affectionate nickname “blueberry” (Sans/Underswap). Underswap is also often mentioned to be a “glitch” by various other fan-characters who exist outside of the universes. One such character is Error Sans, who has tried to destroy Underswap multiple times because of this.

Other AUs

Outertale is an Undertale AU that follows the main storyline of the game, with the exception that it has a space-like setting. The colour palette of the game changes to be mostly dark blues and gold or yellow, with star motifs. Frisk of Outertale is sometimes drawn in a spacesuit, usually though they are depicted wearing a blue sweater with overalls and gold buttons.

Aftertale is an AU that was made from a long running comic under the same name. Unlike other AUs that were mainly just redesigns with some short comics and drawings, Aftertale was quite long. It follows the No Mercy run of Undertale, while providing more fan-created context and additional appearances of the character Chara, who appears at the end of the No Mercy route of the normal game. In this AU, while Sans fights Chara, who has taken control of Frisk’s body, he injects himself with determination. This allows him to have access to the SAVE screen which comes into play more so in the game as a way to break the fourth wall, with various characters mentioning the player’s resets and such. The Sans in this AU has been nicknamed Geno, due to the fact it follows the story of the No Mercy, or Genocide route.

Inktale is a Sans-centric AU, in which the original creator only made content about him. It was a short comic that was only a few chapters long, however the artist made an extensive FAQ about Ink Sans for people to reference from when making fan-works of it. In Inktale it begins with several of the main Undertale cast shown as half finished drawings. In later pages Ink Sans rips apart his half drawn soul and escapes the blank canvas into the void. In the void he finds he has no emotions or memories, but has the ability to capture colours that occasionally appear and grant him temporary emotions. He canonically exists outside the multiverse and in many instances is drawn appearing in other AUs by different creators.

Error Sans is another character who exists outside of the multiverse. He is a part of another Sans-centric AU which originated from an ask-blog on Tumblr, rather than a comic like many of the others. His narrative was fleshed up and created in reaction to submissions to the blog by fans. Error Sans is also created by the same artist who made Aftertale

Echotale is not completely Sans-centric, but he is one of only two main characters. The start of the comic has several other characters as it leads up to the main part of the story. It begins with Frisk being taken in by Professor Gaster, Alphys and Sans who are all working on a determination extraction machine in the lab. After an accident with the machine, the entire underground goes into disarray. It caused all the lands to mix and shift, the world itself losing a constant, static form. It also caused Sans and Gaster to merge together to become a singular but entirely different person, Frisk calls in Gsans, or just G. Frisk changes as well, they grow up significantly but still have knowledge and memories they had when they were still a child. Throughout the comic the two of them travel around the mixed up world in hopes to try and fix it.

Underlust is set in a strange version of the underground where all the monsters had suddenly been affected by a widespread infertility. The Royal scientist, Gaster, created what he believed was a cure and injected every monster that had passed a certain age with a LUST chemical. This AU is a hypersexualized version of Undertale and all the monsters, except Mettaton who instead deals with trauma and is seemingly the only monster the chemical did not affect. In this AU it goes into more detail about the relationship between Sans and Grilby. Underlust Sans is aware of the multiverse and it often burdens him so he confides in his friend, who is later revealed as a love interest.

Horrortale is, as the name suggests, Undertale if it were a horror game. The monsters in this world have been driven crazy by starvation and not only kill, but eat any human that falls down. It follows a character named Aliza, rather than Frisk, as it is set many years after Frisk fell into the underground. Sans has a more menacing presence in Horrortale than the original game, even including his boss fight. He has a large head wound from an attempted murder, but after nearly killing his attacker in response, he is left alone.

Reapertale is an AU that started from the simple concept of a ship between Sans and Toriel if they were the god of death and the goddess of life. The artist then created more lore and comics that were posted out of sequence as they did not care much to make a clear story for it. Reapertale Sans is a grim reaper and very nonchalant about his job, which is reminiscent of the original. He occasionally appeared in other AUs, and is the most popular character from Reapertale.

Shipping

With any popular media comes shipping. It is the inevitable factor that has caused many disputes and in-fighting among fans. Shipping comes from the word relationship, when someone who likes two or more characters in a series and thinks they would be cute together, they ship them. Fans may draw the characters together or write fanfiction about them. The shipping that happened to Sans is quite unique. There were of course many normal ships involving him and other Undertale characters, but some ships were more disturbing like him being with a young child, or even his own brother. It was the AUs in the end that added the final layer of strangeness to this simple skeleton man. Much like the previously mentioned Onceler, there were countless AUs of Sans, which opened just as many shipping possibilities. It got to the point that it even garnered its own term: Sanscest.

There are too many different ships of Sans with different versions of himself to name here. Most notable ships from the AUs mentioned above would include: Geno and Reaper Sans, Error and Ink Sans, Red and Blueberry, Red and regular Sans, or Blueberry, Red and regular Sans all together. Some fans even took it a step further to create children of the Sanses. These fan-made offspring sparked mixed feelings, even in the side of the Undertale fandom that really liked Sans as a character, AUs and all. It was mainly the bizarre nature of having a character being “born” from to alternate versions of the same character. The rabbithole goes even deeper, as an even smaller group of people sometimes shipped different Sans’ with the children of other Sanses. The most well-known example of this was with a Sans child named Paperjam (Undertale Au Offspring Wiki). Paperjam is the child of Ink and Error Sans, who was created by magic because skeletons cannot give birth. They were created by stray strings of magic from Error combined with leftover ink from Ink Sans, and over the course of a few years he became alive. For some unknown reason, quite a few people began drawing Paperjam in romantic art with Fresh Sans. This ship was highly controversial and in my opinion, rightly so. As Fresh Sans is technically Paperjam’s father in a way, and, if they are not considered related, the age gap is concerningly large. Shipping is inevitable with any media that has fans, so in the end most people ust accepted the peculiarity and let it be.

As well as comics that created AUs, there were also a few very popular and notable fan made creations that were not technically full AUs. Some of these may have been theories about the original game, or a spinoff of another AU, or just a bunch of Sanses interacting with each other.

Christmas Party AU was one such Sans-based comic. It was created by the same artist who drew Aftertale, loverofpiggies. It was a very popular comic that got a comic dub of it posted on youtube that currently has more than 11 million views. The comic is set in the void outside of the universes where Geno Sans lives. Geno gathers a bunch of the other Sans’ and a few Papyrus’ from the AUs to come and have a christmas party with him, the AUs being: Undertale, Underfell, Underswap, Reapertale, as well as ErrorSans, FreshSans, and Gaster who makes brief appearances throughout. Hijinks ensue, but unfortunately the comic was left unfinished in 2017.

Handplates is a long running comic written by zarla on Tumblr. It is technically an AU, but it follows the main concept of Undertale, mostly being set before all the main events of the game. It follows the theory that Gaster, the former scientist that worked in the underground, is related to Sans and Papyrus. It follows their story being lab creations of Gaster, as he raises them and then what happens after Sans pushes Gaster into the core, thus erasing him from existence and everyone's memories.

Overgrowth was a fanfiction written about an AU called Flowerfell, which is a spinoff based on Underfell. It followed the same story, with the exception that Frisk had a fictional disease called hanahaki. Hanahaki causes flowers to grow out of peoples lungs and body, which will eventually claim their life. In Flowerfell, flowers would grow out of Frisk everytime they died in a fight, and because of its setting in Underfell, it happened frequently. Overgrowth was incredibly popular on the website it was originally posted on, so much so that it led to many people reposting it elsewhere and claiming it as their own. Due to the theft the original fanfiction was taken down by the author. As of now the original story is permanently removed, however there is a three part reading of it on youtube that the author gave an ok to, as well as the whole story being readable on his patreon for only a dollar.

Paperjams daycare was a highly controversial creation. It was an askblog on Tumblr, where Paperjam, as well as other offspring of various Sanses, took care of the baby versions of Sans. Every page was a response to submissions people would send, saying things to the characters, prompting actions, etc. The concept was very strange, as it was the children taking care of their own parents who were babies for no explained reason. However at the time of 2016-2017 it was wildly popular. Since then the creator has been called out on the weirdness of the comic, as well as some pedophilic themes that cropped up in some chapters. Its popularity died in the past but it was too much of an iconic comic not to mention.

Undertale was such a unique game with so many interesting characters that it is unsurprising the amount of fan-created content it generated. Sans was a part of what made the game memorable, even though his fans were a little strange they were creative as well. The game was able to bring out motivation in so many people to look deeper and explore theories and create their own art. While it had its weirdness, nothing else can truly compare to the rare kind of community it built.

#ignore the citations i needed them for mla formatting #this.. ive spent way too long writing #hope yall enjoy #if some of the info is wrong shut up i was mostly just referencing my middle school self instead of researching #undertale #underfell #underswap #sans #im so tired wtf #utdr #sans au #undertale au

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scorchieart · 1 year

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Hello for the writer ask game please can I have 31 23 21 8 7 Thank you Have a nice day :D

Julie! Good to see you, hope you're having a nice day too! Thank you for the ask! 💝

31. Do you take liberties with canon or are you very strict about your fic being canon compliant?

I'm a bit too much of a stickler when it comes to canon. It's why I don't have many works for Rio, Gilbert, Silvio and Keith. Basically, what I'm saying is I'm not very good at filling in character blanks on my own. I need a pre-established narrative to go off of.

23. If you were to revise one of your older fics from start to finish, which would it be and why?

I answered this one here 😉

8. Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

I won't say who these two are because of route spoilers, but I like how this brief spurt of convo flowed without dialogue tags in this fic:

“So, that was the third prince? He’s as wild as you say.” “Yeah.” “Do you think Sariel will catch him?” “Yeah.” “What time is it?” “Yeah.” “You’re pretty calm for someone who just found out his brothers could use magic.” “I’m tired.”

9. Share a snippet from one of your favorite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

This is probably the deepest I've ever written, and it helped that this fic is in first person, so I was really able to get into Clavis's head and use his voice. I wouldn't go as far as to call it philosophical, but I reread this section whenever I fall in a writing slump:

I sometimes wonder, if I wasn’t Chevalier’s shadow, could my letters top his piles? My skin prickles with envy. He isn’t even the king, so why must everything be under his thumb? The land, the people, and now the words. Why not let these papers be picked up by autumn winds, like the golden leaves of the oak, with no drive or direction other than away from here? Embarking on a journey unknown, a glorious adventure beyond the confines of their pages, full of twists and turns and loop de loops never before scrivened by man. In the infinite realms of possibility, there exists a universe where they all land exactly where intended. But equally likely, they also may end up at the most inopportune destination. I spread the envelopes like a hand of cards toward the Obsidianite border, a gentle wind growing from behind.

Got a fic-y inquiry?

#ask scorchie

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snowsheba · 2 years

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3, 9, 16!!

3. what fic are you emotionally attached to?

i wrote an overwatch thing called "with grace in our hearts" that is like. idk. it remains one of the most impactful stories i've written, at least to me personally. like my partner who knew nothing about overwatch read it and cried not because it was sad but because it was emotional. like. yeah. that's how i felt writing it!!

9. what's your writing process like?

probably not as structured as it should be?? buckle up, this is gonna be long.

every fic i write starts with writing the summary that will go up when i eventually post it. every. single. ONE. starts with writing the summary. i don't recommend this route unless you love writing summaries.

i often don't outline if i don't anticipate a longish fic (which for me is... anything under 30k words). in fact i often don't write story beats down. sometimes i don't even know how it starts - i just know what scene i want to write, and then i write what i have to in order to get there, and then i write the rest so i can wrap it up in a neat bow. i don't recommend this route unless you are okay with having very little direction aside from your own whims.

if i do anticipate a longish fic, i don't outline until there are enough details that warrant some sort of system to keep things straight. these outlines are bullet lists and are generally incomprehensible, because all i put in it are reminders of things-that-are, things-that-were, and things-that-are-going-to-be. these are sometimes story beats and sometimes a reminder that a character said something foreshadowy 40k words ago. i don't recommend this route unless you love opening a file you haven't looked at in 3 months and having to piece together what is happening anew.

anyway, after all of the writing is done i edit it. i do this in one of three ways. first is the lazy way, where i change the font and read it over a few times, fix whatever typos i find and add stuff as needed, and then post it. second is the tryhard way, where i read the entire thing out loud to myself, fix typos and add stuff, and then post it. third is the glutton for punishment way, where i put two text editors side by side and retype the entire manuscript, changing and editing as i go. i do this multiple times. then i post it.

and then once it's posted i look for the last few typos that escaped my wrathful eye and destroy them. sometimes.

again, i really don't recommend this method to anyone - it's a snowsheba exclusive in the sense that it works well with what i'm able to do mentally, which is focus REALLY hard and get a lot of writing done relatively quickly (i used to write and update daily. like what!). happy to answer questions if you have any about..... any of this.............

16. do you re-read old fics? Is there a time in your writing you won’t go back to?

YES. i love rereading my old shit, actually, because it's good. i take a lot of pride in my work because i can follow each fic through my life and see how much i've grown and changed, and each time i poured hours of time into the final product.

as for a time i won't go back to: i once wrote "i don't like slash so i won't write it" in an author's note on ffnet. this was my early tweens, i think? looking back it's funny, but it's also very real in terms of who i was and who i am now. like i said earlier: growth!

#iztopher #this got SO long. ty for asking!!! i love u

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father-time-and-baby-new-year · 3 years

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happy 200! i’m so glad to see your blog grow, it’s one of my favorites and i adore all your writing. i’ve never cried so much and i love the kind of unsettling feeling you write in your fics, it’s perfect in the category of yandere and dark content. in particular, i loved your drabble about shigaraki mourning over a dead reader and i’ve reread that one too many times to count haha! as for asks for headcannons and drabbles, it would be amazing to see that with bully!eren especially since he was such an awful person to the reader. i’d love to see him suffer honestly, but if you don’t want to write it, that’s completely fine! once again, i’m so proud of you for hitting 200! that’s such a huge milestone and hopefully, there will be many more in the future! :)

SYNOPSIS: bully!Eren has to navigate the world without you.

Pairing: Bully!Eren x Fem!Reader

A/N: I can't even explain in words how much I CHEESED at this message like my grin was ear to ear. can't explain how many times I read this. It singlehandedly made my day anon, and to repay you for my happiness....here is some angst. this is a slightly different route than the shiggy one but I hope it still suits you <3

TW: mentions of death, past dubcon/noncon, mentions of trauma, bullying, alcohol addiction, drunk driving, abusive behavior, revenge porn, nonconsensual photography/videography, mentions of infidelity, angst, so much of angst, violent behavior

WC: 2.5k

It's not like Eren had been doing a lot of soul-searching. He's not delusional enough to label his half-assed epiphany of "maybe I'm a shitty person" as soul searching.

It's just the conversation with his very sick mother burned holes through the back of his mind. Carla had asked about you and why you don't come by the house anymore. How she missed baking with you in the kitchen, and how you sweetly smiled whenever you would see soft creamy peaks form in the meringue.

Eren felt like he was swallowing needles as he assured his mother with false truths, that nothing was going on and distance between childhood friends is natural, and if it means so much--ok ok he'll bring you over.

He stays until he sees her chest slowly rising and falling into a gentle asleep. He touches the tip of his ears, unsurprised by how hot it was.

Eren, when you tell a lie, the tips of your ears turn red.

You're not at school the next day. Or the day after that. Or the day after that.

Guilt is not an emotion he feels often but the events of the past weekend replay in his mind. It was just a dumb party that Floch threw, and he was surprised to find you cornered by a trio of thee dunderheads. Like a distorted fairytale, he swept you away from the bad guys like a knight in shining armor, to only shove you in an empty room and demand compensation for playing hero.

Fuck, with that big mouth, you would think that you'd know how to suck cock.

Use your tongue stupid slut. If you use teeth, I'll shove this dick in your ass without any prep.

No, I don't care, you're taking all of it.

There's a video on his camera roll. How could he not record it? You're sobbing, mascara running down your cheeks, looking so beautiful and ruined with jizz smeared at the corner of your mouth. He was brutally fucking your mouth, making you take all of his length.

Breathe through your nose dumb whore. Or else you're gonna run out of air.

You were pleading with whatever garbled sounds you were constricted into producing.

Breathe through your fucking nose. This is for your sake. Otherwise, I don't mind face fucking your lifeless body. You'd be more useful that way anyways.

Eren is conflicted with muting the video because he can't stand to hear himself like that. But he didn't want to miss out on your pitiful whines.

He remembers the distraught expression on your face when he was finally done with you. He tucked himself inside, and sneered, "I've got a girl coming here. Get lost." You looked so fucking distraught. Why? All he did was make you suck his dick. He didn't even fuck you.

He should have. Eren thinks grimly when he stares at your empty desk on the first day you didn't show up to school. He's gotten off to the video more than enough times than he can count over the weekend, and he was aching to see your pretty face twisted into a terrorized expression when he flipped up your skirt to grope your ass.

Kindly, Eren decides he'd allow you to have a rest day. But the second day, Eren pays a visit to your house finding it dark and locked, like no one was home and hadn't been there for a while.

On the third day, you're declared missing.

Your incompetent workaholic mother who finally came home and decided to give a damn reported you missing to the authorities who had scratched their heads because as far as they knew, the pivotal 72 hours were up.

Paradis was surrounded by forests. No one wanted to say it, but they were all thinking it. If you got lost in there, chances are you wouldn't make it out.

Eren wasn't always this admired and fawned over. He had his fair share of behavioral issues that frightened people (not you though, not then at least, not when you were children, and you still came back every day to play).

But when he channeled that anger into sports, there was somewhat of a star in the making, especially for some small-town boy. He was becoming extremely popular, and that's nice and all, but at the end of the day, he has a mother whose health was taking a sharp decline. He was constantly under stress, stress that he took out on you.

Where did his favorite stress-ball go?

It's all fucking surreal. Having detectives in the school. Not that there were many students to question (because christ, did you even have any friends after Eren turned everyone against you?).

Eren was questioned. He can't help but mirthfully chuckle. Maybe this was your grand plan, maybe you were able to finally sort out a mountain of evidence against him. If you were going to fuck him over, didn't you want to see it happen with your own two eyes?

The dark-haired boy wishes that was true. If you had gotten your revenge, would you be here? No, revenge isn't the right word. If you got any justice for what he made you suffer, would you come back?

Hi, I'm Detective Hange. I would like to ask you some questions today. You're Eren Yeager, right?

Yes, that's me.

How do you know ___?

We were childhood friends. We're uh, we're not as close anymore.

When was the last time you saw her?

Friday night at Floch's party-

-Floch Forster right? There were a number of kids there from your school.

Yeah. It was a big party. She uh, doesn't usually come to parties but she was there that night.

You were the last person to be seen with her. Other kids have said that they saw you and her entering a room together, and then only her leaving the said room.

[Sigh] Yeah we sorta...hooked up.

I thought you said you guys weren't close anymore.

You can be not close to someone and still hook up with them.

But you guys were close once right?

Yeah. Once.

The dark-haired boy asks if he was under any suspicion. The detective waves their hand in a dismissive gesture, “If her diary tells us anything, it’s only that she really liked you.”

Were detectives even allowed to divulge that sort of information? Eren doesn’t know but the stray detail that they offered off-handedly made him feel like he was swallowing needles.

At that point, Eren honestly still doesn't believe you're gone. You had a habit of running away, even when you were little kids, but you always came back.

Still, he participates in the search parties with a renewed vigor, even going alone in the forest with a flashlight on most nights.

And he's just so fucking tired. The darkest crevice of his mind almost wishes you were dead because this ignorance was just agony. Almost. Because he still clings to the feeling that one day, he’ll stroll into class and find you in your seat in the back of the class, looking out the window like some cliche shojo manga protagonist.

There are folders and folders on his phone. Albums. The most recent one is dedicated to your crying face as you were choking on his dick. Earlier albums are composed of creepshots of your panties, of that obscene o-face, of your skirt flipped up and your ass cheeks, pictures of your cleavage, videos of you thrashing as he dunked your head into toilets like a villainous middle school bully.

Pictures of your neck covered in hickeys, your naked breasts, ass cheeks striped with red after getting spanked, your leaking cunt, just endless and endless media dedicated to pieces and pieces of your body like you were never a whole person.

The earliest ones though tell a different tale, from off-guards to your drooling face as you napped in the middle of the day.

He has a favorite picture. Your eyes are watery from the cold, snowflakes stuck between lashes, nose and cheeks flushed red, and you're smiling. Smiling right to the camera. Right at him.

"Eren, are you taking a picture?" You asked, bouncing in place, giddy that it was finally snowing.

"Not of you, shut up. Get out of the way." His voice is gruff but not harsh.

You laughed and jumped into frame anyway, and the bright streetlamp behind you made you seem like you were wearing a halo.

He wishes he had more pictures of you being...yourself. Because now your crying face displayed over countless pixels haunt him. But like a fucking degenerate, he still jerks off to all the nudes he coerced from you. Sometimes he cries when he's jerking off which is probably the most pathetic thing he's ever done. This is what you've reduced him to.

He hates the sound of his own voice.

Breathe through your fucking nose. This is for your sake. Otherwise, I don't mind face fucking your lifeless body. You'd be more useful that way anyways.

Eren goes through the motions of life without really feeling like he's in the moment. Seasons change and time flies. His mother dies, and his withdrawn father dies a year later. He proposes to Mikasa because it's something he was always supposed to do. She loves him unconditionally, so even when he doesn't put any effort into the relationship but proposes, she says yes hoping he'll change and be a good husband.

He doesn't go to his parents' funerals because they're already dead. What's the point. He doesn't visit the candlelight vigils in your honor either. After tearing his ACL again and a somewhat traumatic injury, he kisses his pro-football career goodbye. To be totally honest, he's relieved. Because he had gotten quite bored, and maybe he was looking for excuses to quit the entire time. It's not like you'd be cheering on the bleachers anyways.

Mikasa has an affair, more out of a desire to see her fiancé feel something for her as opposed to any burning lust. But when she asks him if he's ever cared at all, with tears springing out of her eyes, he's just calmly drinking his fifth of whisky.

The dark-haired man doesn't even look up, "Let's break up."

"Is this about her, huh? Fucking get over it already Eren. She's GONE. And you have some big fucking audacity moping about her death like you weren't making her cry in the bathroom stalls every fucking day you piece of shit."

"Get out."

"You know what, I bet she killed herse-"

SMASH

The dark-haired woman doesn't finish her rant because the whiskey bottle smashes on the wall next to her head, sending glass everywhere and staining the carpet amber. She's unharmed, knowing it wasn't Eren's intention to hit her but Jesus Christ, what a monster.

She packs her bags and leaves the town like she should have a long time ago. All her friends had left years before and she stayed behind because that's where Eren was. She thanks her lucky stars that they didn't marry.

It's funny because he had always imagined himself being the first to move out of their small town, but he's the one staying. He can't leave this place. feels too tethered to ever leave. Every diner and liquor store is saturated with memories of you. He remembers buying cigarettes and exhaling the smoke to your face to piss you off in empty parking lots.

Maybe he stays in case you'll come back.

Eren's days consist of alcohol-fueled hazes. He doesn't know how his liver is still functioning. He doesn't know he's still alive after crashing his car into a tree when he was drunk out of his mind. He was on his way to get some more vodka.

He barely recognizes himself in the mirror anymore, not that he looks at himself much. His hair is long, nestled around his shoulder because he couldn't be bothered to cut it, dark circles under viridian eyes, and a perpetual stubble on his jaw.

His parents had left quite a sizable inheritance so there's no need to work but he's good with his hands. Likes crafting up birdhouses and cabinets, and occasionally does odd jobs around the neighborhood, never charging the elderly.

He's under the sink, tinkering with a wrench against the pipes when he hears the old lady coo at him.

"We're so lucky to have you Eren. I'm surprised a handsome young man like yourself doesn't have a special lady. The girls must be lining up at your door!"

The dark-haired man winces, and offers no comment, knowing that that the older lady was susceptible to long tangents.

"You know, we're getting a new neighbor." Eren grunts as a response. "They're young, I've heard. Isn't that exciting? Oh my, Eren! I think they're gonna be living in the house right next to yours..."

He tunes out the rest of the conversation because doesn't really care. He just hopes his new neighbors are quiet.

It's Sunday noon when obnoxious noises of moving trucks and people wake him up from his deep slumber. Eren's annoyed to wake up despite the fact he's probably been sleeping over 15 hours. He oscillates between getting too much sleep and getting none, his sleeping habits completely dependent on his dreams.

His nightmares are too visceral, visions of your corpse asking him if he'd enjoyed hollowing your soul with his teeth.

His dreams are achingly sweet. You in your prom gown, shining so iridescently like diamonds were sewn into the silk. He's dancing with you, holding you close, and then after you guys go to your favorite diner and gorge on burgers and milkshakes.

There's a peal of distinctly feminine laughter that stirs up Eren's senses. He's so pathetic, was the mere sound of a woman laughing getting him excited?

He sighs. He thinks of the whore he's frequently visited because of her resemblance to you. Hair color, skin color, face shape--with enough alcohol, he could really convince the person beneath him, was you. Maybe it's time to give her a call, but she's gotten so fucking needy and he hated how her voice didn't match yours.

The green-eyed man peers from the lace curtains, irritated by the brats playing on his lawn. A full family next door? Great, just what he needs.

The friendly knock on his door breaks him out of his daze. He contemplates whether he should answer but on the second more muted knock, he lets his feet guide him.

He turns the knob.

And Eren Yeager completely shatters.

Because it's you isn't it? You're the person standing in front of him? He can hear what you're saying but he doesn't really register it, soaking in the cadence of a voice he had long forgotten because all he had were pleading whimpers and frenzied moans stored on his cell.

He's shaking. Is he dreaming? He's dreaming, right? He knows it's you. You're older, far more beautiful than he's ever seen you. You have a different hairstyle, wearing clothes he would have mocked you for, and there's this joyfulness within you that makes you glow.

There's a mess of emotions electrifying in the pits of his stomach from euphoria, anger, and dread. He could feel his skin growing clammy like he was about to vomit at any second.

"Hey, are you all right?"

Doe eyes full of concern peer up at him. He voices out the syllables of your name like a desperate prayer.

You tilt your head to the side, "How do you know my name?"

#eren yeager x reader #bully eren yeager #toxic eren #eren yeager x you #yandere eren x reader #eren jeager x reader #eren x fem!reader #eren yeager x reader fanfiction #attack on titan fanfiction #dubcon tw #tw noncon #tw abuse #tw drinking #tw drunk driving #eren yeager fanfiction #dark content #dark fic #tw trauma #tw depr

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honeypiehotchner · 3 years

Text

intelligence & issues (Hotch x Fem!Reader) -- chapter twenty-one

Okay, this is my official warning that you guys are not going to like this chapter. It hurt to write it and reread it for editing, so there’s that :(

Chapter Warnings: ooh boy, angst, violence typical for the show, graphic depictions of said violence and blood, super sad, but no one dies, I promise

Previous chapter || Fic Masterlist

Chapter Twenty-One: Can you hear me screaming, “Please don’t leave me”?

You and Morgan make the unspoken agreement to not even look in each other’s direction while figuring out the plan. You don’t speak much at all, knowing you’re on thin ice with Hotch already as it is.

He meant it when he said it isn’t a bad plan, necessarily. The unsub needs to be caught, and quickly. He would be foolish to not take advantage of this opportunity while it’s here, even if he would have much rather you not make the call for him.

Which is precisely why he’s speaking to a room full of police officers right now.

“We need officers to begin canvassing the area. Set up roadblocks here, here, and here,” Hotch points to the various markers that Reid laid out on the map. “We don’t know if she will try to run. Female serial killers can be incredibly unpredictable, especially one who believes she has been doing the right thing. She’s intelligent and probably already has her own escape routes lined up. We need to be at every possible one.”

Morgan takes over for a brief moment. “She has shot every one of our victims with a handgun, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have any other weapons. And a bullet is a bullet. She’s still considered armed and dangerous.”

Back to Hotch. “Agent L/N will go in alone.”

You watch Morgan’s expression harden. Emily squeezes your shoulder comfortingly, and you offer a smile. You’re more nervous than you’ve ever been in your life. You won’t lie. But you have to do this.

“She will signal when it’s safe for us to enter,” Hotch continues. “But we will also be listening in to ensure maximum safety. If you hear a shot, move in. If you see me signal, move in. If you hear me yell, move in. Do not go in prematurely. You will only be putting Agent L/N’s life in unnecessary danger, not to mention the other civilians in the area if this unsub slips through our fingers again.”

Hotch’s tone is commanding and clear, but you hear a different edge. Worry.

The officers nod in understanding. The sheriff watches to make sure everyone is listening intently.

“I realize this is short notice for a big plan like this, but sometimes this happens. It’s been two weeks -- eight months since this unsub first started. We can’t let her continue any longer.” He pauses, making sure he’s covered everything. “The meeting is scheduled for eight p.m. Sheriff Ansley will let you know your positions. Thank you.”

The sheriff motions for the officers to meet her up front for their positions, so the crowd slowly trickles out and away.

You exhale loudly, relaxing your shoulders. Why did you decide to take this job, again? Seriously, a year ago, what were you thinking when you said yeah, sure, I’d love to join the BAU and profile serial killers for a living?

“Hey,” Morgan taps your shoulder, breaking you out of your worrisome thought cycle. “Can I talk to you for a sec?”

You nod. “Sure.”

He turns and moves toward the hallway, away from everyone conversing and all the chaos. Somehow, he could tell it was suffocating you.

“I know you’re mad at me,” you start.

But he stops you. “Don’t worry about that right now,” he shakes his head. “And I’m not. I’m worried about you, kiddo. I’m scared for you. Are you sure about this?”

You nod. “Yeah. Yeah, I am. She’s hurting, I’ve gotta talk to her.”

“See, that’s what I mean,” Morgan says gently, keeping eye contact with you to be sure you’re hearing him. “You can’t save everyone.”

“I know,” you admit, even though that’s the last thing you want to hear right now. “But I can help her.”

“Some people don’t wanna be helped.”

“I have to try,” you whisper, your voice sounding more desperate than you thought it would. “Derek, I just have to try.”

“I know,” he says. “I got you.”

And he does. He pulls you into a hug, squeezing you tightly. You will yourself not to cry. You can break down later tonight, after all this is over, and you’re back at the hotel or on the jet headed home. But not right now. You need to focus right now.

“You know I love you, right?” Morgan says after he pushes away from the hug, but he’s still holding onto you by your shoulders. “If you can’t think about anything else, I want you to remember that I love you. And I’ve got your back, alright?”

“Yeah,” you murmur. “I know.”

He pats your shoulder once, blinking back his own tears. There’s no time to cry right now.

You both walk back over to join the rest of the team at the table. It’s time to get suited up.

Hotch helps you into the bulletproof vest that goes underneath your shirt. Everyone turned their backs, and the blinds to the conference room were drawn.

No one said a word about him helping you, either. You’re glad. Because that’s one more conversation you can’t take right now.

You want to kiss him. You settle for looking deeply into his eyes, neither of you saying anything else. Because there are no words.

+++

You drive to the abandoned warehouse on your own, since you’re the only one who will be going inside. The rest of the team isn’t far behind.

The plan is for you to get inside, get Savannah to a place where she can’t see outside, and signal through the small device that’s hooked up to Hotch’s earpiece. When he gets the first, single signal, he’ll know to have everyone move closer, right outside the building. But the key part is that Savannah doesn’t see.

From there, it’s up to you to talk Savannah down, or signal for everyone else to come inside once it’s safe to. You hope to be able to talk her down first, maybe even convince her to go with you.

You’re not sure how she’ll react to you trying to bargain with her.

When you park outside the warehouse, you discreetly lift your wrist to your lips as you’re leaned over, pretending to look through a purse. “About to head inside.”

Hotch’s voice filters through your ears a second later. “Be safe. Stick to the plan.”

“Understood,” you reply quickly, sitting back up. You make a show of your phone, so if Savannah is watching she will only think you were grabbing it. You send her a text for good measure. I’m here. Do I just come inside?

You step out of the vehicle, adjusting your hair to be sure it’s covering your earpiece. While you’re walking to the front, Savannah texts back. Yes, I’m inside.

The bulletproof vest weighs heavy on your chest, and you’re not used to wearing one under your clothes, so that adds another aspect of uncomfortableness, on top of your nerves.

You pull your phone out to use the flashlight so you don’t fall on your face.

The building is about as abandoned as they come. Windows have bullet holes in them or are completely smashed out. The doorway that you walk through has no door at all. It’s laying on the ground, actually, the glass shattered all around it.

Savannah scares the shit out of you when she suddenly materializes in front of you, her own flashlight in her hand. “Hi.”

“Oh, hi,” you try to smile, concealing your nerves. You lower your phone so the flashlight isn’t on her. The last thing she needs is a light on her, mimicking an interrogation. “It’s nice to see you again,” you offer, getting a good look at her, though it’s hard when her flashlight is pointed right at your eyes.

She nods curtly. “Is that your phone?”

You glance down at it and nod, holding it back up. “Uh, yeah, it is. Couldn’t see.”

“Turn it off.”

“The flashlight?”

“No. The phone. Turn it off,” she says again, gesturing to it with her free hand. “We don’t need one of your nosy coworkers using the GPS and finding us, duh.”

“Oh,” you chuckle. “You’re so right. This is why I need you. You’re a lot smarter than I am.” Stroke her ego. Make her feel needed.

You turn off your phone, making sure she can see you do it. Once it’s powered all the way down, you stuff it in your back pocket.

She seems satisfied, and a shy smile has appeared on her lips. “Come this way,” she nods down a hall. “I got snacks.”

“Oh, awesome,” you grin, following after her.

She leads you down a hall and toward the back of the building. To your surprise, she stops in a room that has one window, but there’s a tarp covering it, blocking anyone from seeing inside.

This is almost too perfect. While her back is turned to you, you quickly press on the device, signaling to Hotch.

“I didn’t know what to get, so I kind of just raided the gas station for a bunch of shit,” she says, clicking off the flashlight.

There’s a small, battery powered lantern, like one you’d use for camping, sitting in the middle of the pile of snacks. It’s all junk food and candy, a couple bottles of water sitting next to it. It looks like what you’d buy for a girl’s night in.

That’s really what this unsub thinks this is.

She sits down with her back facing the window, so you sit across from her, silently glad that she chose to put her back to the albeit covered window. You can’t see anything, but if things go south, you can rip the tarp down and gesture out the window.

You’re getting ahead of yourself. Talk her down. Reason with her.

“So,” Savannah starts, pausing to break into a bag of chips. “What did you want to ask me?”

“Oh, I mean, I kind of wanted to just check on you first,” you shrug, grabbing a bag of snacks, too. You need to act as normal as possible. “How are you doing? You got two people last time instead of one.”

Savannah sighs, nodding, not even denying it. She really trusts you. “That was an accident. The wife wasn’t supposed to walk in. I couldn’t risk her calling the police and then me getting caught. I’ve got too much work to do, y’know?”

You shake your head. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve got a whole list,” she explains, her eyes widening in excitement. It’s almost terrifying in the low light. “People come to me and they tell me their stories, and I’ll add their abusers to the list. I’ve added yours, too, just don’t know his name. What is it?”

You blink. “You’ve added mine to the list?”

“Of course,” Savannah replies, popping a chip in her mouth. “What he did was awful to you. He deserves to pay for it. What’s his name?”

“Uh, Jacob,” you murmur. You might despise Trevor, but as you said yesterday, you’d never send a serial killer after him. “I can’t believe you’d do that for me,” you say, lowering your eyes, covering up your shock and slight disgust with shyness. “That’s so nice. I mean, my mom and I talked about doing it because it’s fun to joke about it, but…”

“You weren’t joking, were you?” Savannah says gently.

No, I definitely was, because I’m not a murderer. You shake your head, though, playing along. “I wanted to kill him. Mom didn’t get it. No one did.”

“I get it,” she says, sounding sincere. “It’s why I started doing this.”

“How did you start?” You ask sheepishly, half intrigued and half trying to stall.

“I just got fed up of thinking about it, and finally decided I could do it if I wanted to. I stopped thinking and started doing.”

“It sounds so easy when you say it like that,” you laugh, fiddling with the wrapper of the snack. You’re not about to eat anything in here, but you need to look like you might.

“I can help you,” Savannah offers. “We could take down Jacob together, y’know? It’d be awesome having you join me. ‘Cause you know all the inside secrets and things,” she says, getting more excited. “We’d never get caught if you were with me. What do you think?”

You shake your head. “I can’t just leave my job like that.”

“Do you even like your job?”

“I do, yeah.”

“Why?”

“Well, I get to fight the bad guys, like you do. It makes me feel good to catch them and put a stop to them.”

“Do you think I’m one of them?”

“No,” you reply, and you actually mean it. “I don’t, actually. I wouldn’t be here with you if I did.”

She hums, but it doesn’t sound pleased. “I almost tried to go into law enforcement. Got through the training, but couldn’t do it. I wanted to do things my own way. Don’t you want to do that, too?”

So she is book smart, but in the sense that she’s been through the police academy. Your profiling never picked that up.

You shrug. “I kinda like being given orders. It takes some stress away. Aren’t you stressed out? Having to find these guys and go through it all alone?”

“I’m used to it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” she says nonchalantly. “Besides, I’m here to help. That’s all I’m doing is helping.”

“Yeah, but have you ever thought about helping in other ways? Ways that don’t cause you as much stress?”

She pauses. “What are you saying?”

“Like...you could volunteer somewhere, kind of like a therapist.”

“I’ve killed too many people to be a therapist.”

“I could help get you a deal, so the sentence wouldn’t be as bad.”

“Sentence? Do you really think I’m going to turn myself in?” Savannah asks incredulously.

It happens in a split second, and it’s the most terrifying split second of your life. It dawns on Savannah then that this isn’t a casual hangout. It’s a complete setup.

“Are you turning me in?” She stands to her feet then, panicked and her trust is all gone, evaporated in the blink of an eye.

“No, no,” you say quickly, standing too, not daring to be on a different level than her. “I’m not, I swear. Listen--”

“You’re lying!” She screams, grabbing onto the tarp over the window and pulling it down, revealing the police cars lined up outside. A few blacked out vehicles are in the mix, one yours and the other two belonging to your team. She ducks to the side, turning her face to you, her eyes wide with betrayal. “You bitch,” she hisses, dropping her grip on the tarp. “I can’t believe I trusted you.”

“Just listen to me,” you hold up your hands. “Please, just listen.”

“I’ve been listening!” She yells, reaching under her shirt and grabbing her gun. She had it concealed perfectly. How did I not even see it? The blood in your veins turns to ice when she points it at you, cocking it. “I could shoot you right here. You think I didn’t plan this scenario out in my mind?”

Your own gun is still sitting snugly on your back, heavy and waiting for you to grab it. “You don’t want to do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because if you kill me, the deal I just told you about goes away.”

“Aren’t you listening to me? I’m not gonna get caught. I’m smarter than that.”

“They have the entire place surrounded,” you blurt, making her freeze. “Roadblocks set up at every street. You can’t escape.” You pause, whispering, “I’m sorry, Savannah. But it’s over.”

“It’ll never be over. You’re no better than the rest of them,” she says lowly, raising her gun again, and you flinch. If you reach for your gun, you’re as good as dead. You have no doubt that she’d shoot you instantly. You’re stuck. “You just want to silence me. Put me away instead of putting the abusers away!”

“I want to put the abusers away too, trust me, I do. But I can’t do that if I’m dead, and neither can you. Which is why you have to stop killing people--”

“I’m not killing people, I’m killing monsters!”

“Then when is it supposed to stop?” You scream back at her. “There’s monsters all over the world. When does it stop? When do you let yourself rest?”

She’s strangely quiet for a moment. After a moment, she mutters, “I’ll rest when I’m dead.” And fires her gun.

Pain blossoms in your left thigh, but it takes you a second to feel it because you had expected her to keep her aim directly at your heart.

You hit the ground less than a second later, a groan of pain coming from your chest. Somewhere through the haze, your hand remembers to press on the device, frantic buzzing no doubt hitting Hotch’s ears. The plan was for three buzzes, but you’re positive you just hit fifteen.

Savannah steps over and rips the device from your hand and your clothes, tossing it against the wall and watching it shatter. You reach behind your back for your gun, but she sends a blow to your chest with her heel that knocks you over. Your arm shoots out to soften the fall onto your hurt leg, but all it does is jam the shit out of your wrist.

“I didn’t want to do this,” she tsks her tongue, kicking you again, right in the ribs, knocking all the air from your lungs. It sends you onto your back, the concrete biting into the back of your skull, rattling your brain. You’ve definitely got a concussion from that, and the stars you’re seeing are proof. “I really wanted us to be a team.”

Distantly, you hear footsteps coming closer, pounding like they’re running, but you’re not sure if you’re hallucinating.

Savannah’s boot presses over your bulletwound, sending white spikes of pain right up your spine. A nauseating squish of blood warms your leg. Shit, that’s...that’s a lot.

You look back up at her, words failing you when she raises her gun, this time aiming for your forehead. This is the end, huh? You think. You’re too tired to fight, too disoriented, too...cold-- Wait. Why are you starting to feel cold?

Savannah’s saying something, still standing over you, gun pointed at your head, but her words are so far away. You feel far away. Like you’re falling through the floor, down the rabbit hole to Wonderland. Maybe Wonderland is where you go after this. Wouldn’t that be nice? Wonderland as the afterlife destination. If you could choose, you think you’d want to be there. Not here. Anywhere but right here--

A gunshot rings in your ears again, but you feel nothing. Your eyes closed, and you think, am I dead? Is death supposed to feel like nothing?

Warm hands find your face a moment later, shaking you, tapping your cheeks. Your eyelids feel like they weigh a ton as you raise them, finding Aaron’s face staring back at you. And all you can think is I’m dreaming. I have to be.

“Y/N? Can you hear me?” That’s what his lips say, at least. You don’t actually hear him. There’s an awful ringing in your ears from both gunshots and probably a concussion, maybe the blood loss, too. So much happened, so much happened that wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Aaron…” You say slowly, taking in a deep breath, but it’s shallow at best, a sharp pain in your ribs cutting it off.

He’s yelling for the paramedics, you think, you’re not even sure. They should be here by now. They were just outside, weren’t they?

Dull pressure is on your wound and one glance tells you that it’s Aaron’s hand, pressing hard, trying to stop the bleeding, but you’ve lost a lot. It’s...everywhere.

But some of it is Savannah’s. A bullet hit her in the stomach, a result of her refusing to move her gun from your forehead. Morgan had a shot, and he had orders from Hotch to take it immediately.

Aaron’s other hand is on your face, turning your eyes back to his. He’s moving his lips again, trying to say something, but you can’t hear him. You wish you could hear him, hear his voice just one last time.

“Aaron,” you think you say, or you’re trying to, you’re trying so hard. “Aaron...I don’t wanna go without-- I need to tell you that I--”

He shakes his head, eyes glassy, lips parted, shushing you, willing you not to use your breath. But you keep going.

“I love you,” you try to say, and you hope you get it out. You want him to know. You need him to know. “I love you so...so much. It hurts.”

He isn’t sure what you mean. If the wound hurts or if it hurts to love him, but he can’t ask. Because your eyes have closed, your body giving up the fight of consciousness.

He tries to wake you. But you’re not here anymore.

You’re falling. Down the rabbit hole and into Wonderland.

Next chapter

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wienerbarnes · 3 years

Text

Are You Growing?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (Cheek to Cheek) Word Count: 1,886 Warnings: mentions to alzheimers A/N: idk about yall but im loving posting about the earlier times w bucky n reader

MAIN MASTERLIST | CHEEK TO CHEEK MASTERLIST

You sit on Bucky’s couch, Alpine curled up in your lap, purring softly with closed eyes as you lightly scratch behind her ears.

Bucky’s sitting on the floor in front of you, in the place of where his coffee table used to be, which is now pushed into the corner for the time being. He rereads the instructions to put together his new bookshelf for the eleventh time now, still not understanding where exactly to put each screw.

You were no help to him, your first suggestion was to toss out the instructions and build to his heart’s desires; whatever felt right.

The last thing he needs, though, is for his bookshelf to collapse in the middle night and scare the shit out of him, so he tries his luck with the instructions.

He’s grateful for the ring of his cellphone, perhaps a break for a phone call will somehow make the instructions easier to read.

His stomach drops when he sees the caller ID as Rebecca’s retirement place. He pushes down his nausea and answers the phone.

“Hello? Is Rebecca okay?” He answers, quickly standing and moving to another room, not missing when your eyes look up at the sound of his sister’s name.

Is Rebecca okay? Did she hurt herself? Did she hurt one of the nurses? Is she dead?

“Hi, Bucky. Yes, Rebecca’s okay,” The receptionist Bucky’s gotten to know well responds, causing him to let out a sigh of relief, “She’s asking for you, is all. She’s… not eating. She didn’t touch her breakfast or lunch, she just keeps asking when you’re coming. I know you don’t normally come until tomorrow, but I promised her I’d call you.” She finishes explaining.

“Uhm… okay, okay. Tell her I got hung up at work and that I’ll be over as soon as I can.” He tells her, sparing a glance into the other room to see you peeking at the instructions on the ground.

“You’re amazing Bucky, thank you.” She responds, and all he does is hum through his anxiety before hanging up, returning to the living room where you sit.

You look up at him as if to ask if he is okay and he only stares back for a few seconds, thinking, before deciding, “Put your shoes on, we gotta go somewhere.” He tells you, voice still a little shaky from the scare of that phone call.

You don’t question it, recognizing that it’s probably not the time, and move to go grab your shoes by the door. Bucky silently pushes out air through his mouth, an attempt to calm himself down and get the nausea to go away. Rebecca’s okay, he reminds himself, she’s having a bad day, but she’s okay.

You’re worried at how quiet Bucky is and with how fast he speeds on his bike down a route you don’t really recognize. Finally, though, you see the sign in the distance, St. Francis Alzheimer’s Hospital, and you understand.

He parks the bike out front and turns it off, not yet moving, and you take off his helmet you’re wearing to get a better look at him. You say his name when you notice tears have gathered in his eyes; you’ve never seen him cry before.

“Sorry,” He wipes his eyes, “This shit is just so… exhausting. Everytime the phone rings, everytime I come here, I don’t know what I’m going to get, if she is okay.” He vents before letting out a long sigh.

You don’t know how to respond, choosing to rub his back as he composes himself. Bucky’s always been a tough rock; always knowing what to say, what to do, always knowing how to take care of everyone and how to solve everyone’s problems. You’ve never seen him so tired, so nervous before, and you see the toll doing this has taken on him.

Before you can say anything, he stands, “Let’s go.” He holds out a hand to help you off the bike and rests the helmet on the seat, knowing no one’s going to take it.

You follow quietly behind him as he enters and greets the receptionist, walking past the desk and down the hall. You feel out of place, not only here, in the retirement place Bucky’s sister lives at, but in public. You’ve barely left the apartment while you’ve been in hiding; you think this is the most amount of people you’ve been around in months.

Bucky approaches a door and knocks quietly before entering, “Hey, troublemaker,” He calls out, voice no longer strained or shaky as it’s been for the half hour, as though he flipped a switch to make himself normal again.

“Bucky!” You hear an excitement-filled elderly voice call out.

You enter to see her sitting on the bed, arms reaching out for Bucky to embrace him in a hug.

“Sorry, I’m late, I got caught up at the gym.” He tells her, hugging her back.

“Oh, I didn’t know you were at work, I just wanted to talk to you about the carnival, it’s coming this weekend.” You notice Bucky’s jaw clench for a second before loosening.

“It is, isn’t it. I’ll get Steve and we’ll all go together, I know how much you love the rides there.”

You linger by the door still, observing the interaction. How Bucky plays along so perfectly and so composed. You tense when you notice that Rebecca’s eyes have found you.

Bucky follows her gaze and snaps his head to you, “Becca, this is a friend of mine.”

You walk over and hold your hand out, giving your name, and she reaches out and accepts it, giving you a gentle smile, “A friend, huh?”

“Bec -”

“I’ve heard a lot about you, it’s really great to finally meet you.” You tell her.

“Well, it’s lovely to meet you, too, I haven’t met one of Bucky’s friends in a while,”

“Rebecca -”

“Who was that floozy you brought home once, the one that Mama hated?” She teases Bucky, who now stands with arms crossed looking at you take a seat in the chair next to Rebecca’s bed.

“That was Madeline.”

“Madeline! My goodness, she didn’t last very long at all -”

“How about we talk about something other than my love life? Are you hungry, Bec?”

“A little bit.” She responds, and Bucky feels relief flood through his body. He nods and leaves the room to go fetch her lunch from one of the nurses.

“I love these flowers on your shirt.” Rebecca compliments, snapping your eyes away from the door Bucky exited out of and back to hers. They’re the same blue as Bucky’s.

You glance down at your shirt, one you thrifted with lilac’s all over them.

“Thank you, they’re, uh, lilacs. They symbolize growth. Like, change from ignorance to knowledge, innocence to wisdom, and all that.” You tell her.

She hums, “And are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Growing?”

You pause to think about it. Have you grown? Changed?

“Yes. I think so.” You respond.

“Well, then I’m happy for you.” She says sincerely.

You feel a knot swell in your throat at the validation, being greatly reminded of Bucky in that moment, and it’s then that he returns with a tray of food, a bowl of fruit, and a glass of juice.

Bucky places the tray on the small table that can swing over her bed, cutting the food on the plate for her small pieces, before moving to the fruit and juice, taking both lids off for her.

You watch as he takes gentle care in moving the tray closer to her, piling small pieces of food onto a spoon before feeding it to her.

She clears about half the plate before saying she’s full, which is more than enough for Bucky to be satisfied; it’s better than this morning.

Whatever problem there seemed to be this morning that caused Bucky to come over here in a rush is gone. To you, it was like his presence was the only thing she needed to feel better; it’s like there wasn’t anything wrong in the first place.

Soon enough, the two of you leave, with a promise from Bucky that he’ll see her tomorrow on Thursday and they’ll go to the carnival this weekend.

You don’t mention anything else about the visit to Bucky the entire way home, and choose to help him on the floor of his living room for the rest of the evening instead.

Thursday and Friday pass, and Bucky goes to Steve’s on Saturday.

“Remember that girl I told you about? The one I��ve sort of become friends with? That I’ve been looking out for?” Bucky stirs sugar into his coffee, his sweet tooth showing up more frequently since he’s been hanging out with you.

“I remember.” Steve says, sitting down next to him at his table with his own cup of coffee. Steve’s is decaf, though.

“I, uh… I took her to meet Rebecca.” Bucky doesn’t meet his eyes, waiting to see what his reaction will be.

“Oh?” Steve responds, setting his mug down and resting his aged hands on the table, paying all attention to Bucky now.

“There was a situation on Wednesday, Becca wasn’t eating and she was at my apartment -”

“At your apartment?”

“So, I just took her with me -”

“You haven’t even taken Sam to meet Rebecca.” Steve tells him, making Bucky stop.

He pauses for a moment before continuing, “When I saw Bec on Thursday, she remembered her.”

Steve’s head tilts, processing his words.

Bucky continues, “I went to go see Bec on Thursday, and she asked me about her, apparently they talked about some flowers and she wanted me to bring her some so she can see them in person. Asked when I was going to bring her to see her again.” He finishes explaining.

“Wow.” Is all Steve says.

“Rebecca… doesn’t remember anything. I mean she remembers me and you, but she barely remembers anything she and I talk about when I visit, barely remembers her kids. But she remembered talking about lilacs with this girl she’d never met before!” Bucky says, still in disbelief.

“...Must be something special about her.”

“Oh, don’t you start now, too.”

“Just saying. Maybe you should bring her here sometime.”

“Nah, I didn’t even plan to take her to see Becca. That was a risk all by itself, taking her out in public like that.” Bucky glances up to see Steve smirking at him with that stupid wrinkled mouth of his.

“Stop looking at me like that, would you, punk?!”

Steve chuckles, “She sounds like a sweet girl.”

“She’s my friend, Steve.”

“I didn’t say she wasn’t.”

“But you’re implying -”

“Implying what? What are you thinking?”

Bucky huffs and rolls his eyes, Steve twisting his words around, and he realizes he won’t escape this conversation without teasing.

“Whatever. She’s just a friend. If that. We just hang out sometimes, I help her do things that I had trouble with when I got out of HYDRA. I’m just around to help her.”

“Sure, pal. That’s nice of you.”

Bucky sighs, standing to go refill his coffee, and Steve smiles to himself, glad that Bucky’s met someone like you, and glad to see where it’ll inevitably lead, even if the two of you don’t see it yet.

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes onshot #bucky barnes series #bucky barnes fanfiction #marvel #lol dummy

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fanmoose12 · 3 years

Text

catch me if you can

Сharacters: Hange Zoe, Levi, Erwin Smith, Kenny Ackerman

Genres: Mystery / Romance

Summary: The Ackerman duo. Just the mention of this name filled Hange with so many feelings. Mostly, when she reread the files of their cases over and over, until her eyes watered, she felt pricking annoyance. Sometimes, when she stared at the dead bodies of those scarce unfortunates who stumbled upon their crimes, she was filled with hatred and a pushing need for revenge. Hange couldn’t deny, however, there were times when she marveled at the impudence of their crimes. And, when she was investigating the Ackerman’s cases and saw just how meticulously planned they all were, she couldn’t help but feel something close to fascination.

No one knew who they were. No one had seen their faces, no one knew their true names. Almost everyone knew of their crimes.

Hange was determined to unravel every last one of their secrets. She will put an end to their crimes and then she will get the elusive Ackermans behind bars.

Chapter 3/?

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Levi stared at Hange intently. He watched the rise and fall of her chest, the flutter of her eyelashes, the movement of her eyes, the way she gripped the teacup in her fingers and slowly put it to her lips, taking a first sip.

He leaned closer, pressing his elbows into the table. He anxiously waited to hear out her verdict.

"So?" he pressed after almost a minute passed and Hange still hadn't said anything.

She put the teacup down and smiled.

"I really want to say it's bad, I was actually looking forward to that date—"

"But?" Levi interrupted, impatient and hopeful.

Hange sighed, dropping the smile. "But it's delicious. I don't think I've tasted anything better."

"Yes!" Levi knew it. He was once again proven right - no one could resist a good cup of tea, those coffee addicts just didn't know better.

"Well, thanks for opening my eyes..." Hange stood up, reaching for her coat.

"Oi." Levi scowled. What the fuck was she doing? "Sit your ass back down."

"Pardon?"

"You haven't finished your tea, idiot," upon seeing the confused look that appeared on detective's face, Levi's lips curled into a smirk. He hid it behind his own cup of tea.

"Oh," Hange plopped down on a seat again, grinning helplessly. "Yes, sorry, I forgot about it."

Levi rolled his eyes, subduing a wave of affection that spread through him because of her awkwardness.

Hange Zoe in front of him was very different from the detective's persona he had seen glimpses of before. Detective Zoe was fierce, she was daring and dedicated to her work to the point of obsession. Hange he got to know today was clumsy. She was awkward, but not shy. She was funny and kind.

An interesting contrast. Levi wanted to know more.

They drank their tea in silence. Hange was smiling slightly, as she looked around the café Levi had brought her in. Levi watched her beneath his eyelashes.

The silence wasn't tense or uncomfortable, it was simply there, and at any other day, Levi would have appreciated it.

Right now, however, there was something he needed to say.

He cleared his throat. Hange's eyes immediately snapped to him.

"A new movie theater was opened recently," he took a sip of his tea, resisting the urge to fidget. "Have you heard about it?"

"I have not," she answered, and her tone of voice made it clear that she was prompting him to continue.

Levi took another sip of tea. The cup was almost empty.

"There is going to be a movie marathon this Friday. Wanna go? Together."

His voice was nonchalant and his face was blank. Nothing betrayed his feelings. But his heart was beating so loudly, Levi was worried it could jump out of his chest.

The voice of reason in his head continued to scream, begging him to stand up and leave. Levi stopped listening to it long ago. For whatever reason - be it his curiosity or a desire to find out what she knew about them - he wanted to see Hange again. One trip to a cinema wouldn't hurt. Probably.

"What the theme of the marathon?" Hange asked, gripping the cup with her two hands and leaning closer to him. She looked just like an over-excited puppy. Levi almost smiled at that comparison.

"They’re showing those Police Academy movies,” he replied casually. That poster, actually, was the only reason he noticed the advertisement about new movie theater. He saw it and instantly thought of Hange. That was also the reason why he remembered about it.

"Oh," Hange blinked. "That's quite a coincidence. I actually work at the local police precinct."

I know, Levi almost said. He bit the inside of his cheek, forcing on a surprised expression.

"You do?" he asked, adding wonder to his voice. He hoped it was convincing enough. He wasn’t a particularly good liar, even though his profession as a thief more than required it. The most Levi could do was put the mask of indifference. He had perfected this technique to such a degree that showing, or even mimicking, different kinds of emotions was almost impossible for him. Kenny always made fun of that.

Hange, however, continued to wear the same relaxed expression, leading Levi to believe that his act had its desired effect on her.

"Yeah, I'm working as a detective."

“Oh,” Levi slightly widened his eyes, before he pursed his lips and frowned. "If you don't like this kind of movies..."

"Oh, no, no," Hange frantically waved her hands around. "I adore them! They are utterly ridiculous and always get everything about police's work wrong and that's why they're so fun to watch! I could get carried away with my comments, however," she tucked a loose hair behind her ear.

"What I'm getting myself into." Levi complained dryly, eliciting a delightful chuckle out of Hange.

"You were the one who offered. It's too late to back out, shorty."

"I could just stand you up."

"No, you couldn't," Hange said confidently. She propped her chin on a hand, looking at Levi with a knowing smile. "You're too nice."

Her words almost made him wince. He wasn't nice. And if Hange knew who he truly was, she definitely wouldn't think so.

Underneath the table, Levi tightened his hand into a fist. The last thought bothered him more than he could admit.

"Fuck you, I’m not nice," he growled, letting out the ounce of the frustration that phrase caused him.

Hange raised an eyebrow. "Fuck me? Aren't we moving a little too fast?"

Under her mischievous gaze, Levi's ears swiftly grew red. Hange threw her head back and laughed.

"Oh god, you should have seen your face!" she pointed a finger at him, still laughing. Levi's scowl deepened. And to think he felt bad for lying to her. "You look like such a cool and badass man, but it's so easy to embarrass you!"

"I'm not embarrassed," Levi retorted, even though he could feel the blush spread onto his cheeks too.

"Alright, alright," Hange raised her hands, placating him. "I'm sorry for teasing. You still wanna watch movies with me?"

"I was the one who offered," Levi repeated her words, shrugging.

"Awesome!" Hange clasped her hands. She grabbed her bag and rummaged through it, fishing out a pen. She took a hold of Levi's hand next, and before he could protest, started writing on it with her sharpie.

"There," once she was finished, she patted his arm. "You can text me the details."

Levi stared down on his arm, not knowing how to react. On one hand, he hated when other people touched him, especially the ones he just met. On the other, the realization that Hange gave him his number caused a weird flatter in his chest. He almost felt giddy.

"Well, should we go?" Hange asked. "It's getting late."

"Sure," Levi nodded, getting up and passing Hange her coat.

He wanted to offer to walk her home, but before he could open his mouth to ask, his phone started ringing. Levi looked at the screen and groaned.

Of course, it was Kenny.

"Won't you answer it?" Hange wondered, when Levi just put his phone back in his pocket.

"There is no need," he shook his head. "It's my uncle, he probably wants to know what's taking me so long."

"Ah, you live with your uncle," Hange cooed. "How cute."

"Nothing cute about it. He's an old man who enjoys annoying me," he looked up at Hange, a smirk curling on his lips. "You and him definitely have something in common, four-eyes."

Hange froze instantly and Levi cursed himself. Idiot, he was a goddamn idiot. Why did he call her that? It was the same nickname he used to tease her in the little notes he left after each theft. Of course, Hange would react to that, he was just too stupid to realize it before he opened his goddamn mouth.

He had to rectify his mistake, and fast. Levi drew his eyebrows together, feigning concern.

"Hange? Did I say something wrong?"

"No," she waved him off with a smile. Levi wondered if his expression looked just as fake as Hange's. "I just have... an acquaintance who calls me the same nickname. It made me think of him, that's all."

"He's not a nice guy, I take it," Levi hummed, trying to ignore his rapidly beating heart.

"He's not." Hange agreed, anger evident in her voice. "Well, thank you for the evening," she reached out to pat his shoulder, and, although, the smile was still present on her lips, there was a faraway look in her eyes. "But I need to go. I'll be waiting for your text!"

Hange was gone, before Levi could utter a single word. He didn’t move for a few moments, staring at the place she just had been.

There was a weird feeling inside him. If he didn’t know better, he’d say it was shame.

*** Hange tiptoed around the precinct, picking her route through the most secluded hallways. She had to be careful, she didn’t want to get noticed by any of her co-workers. Especially, by Erwin.

She needed to get inside her office before he noticed her. Before he noticed her absence, to be precise.

She was never late to work. She usually came earlier than the most and always went home after everyone else had left.

Today was an exception, though. She slept in for the first time in years and then she also made a detour to visit the café Levi showed her last night and order that delicious, delicious tea on the go.

She would have never guessed that simple tea could taste so good, but Levi had opened her eyes. And he had helped in lifting her spirits. Levi was a little strange - he seemed rude and indifferent, but Hange felt that behind this facade hid a kind and honest man. He was also incredibly funny. His humor, although sarcastic, dry and so very different from hers, was more than just enjoyable. She couldn't remember when she had so much fun. Or hanged out with someone, who wasn't a part of the force. She was looking forward to their date at the movies. And she hoped it wouldn't be the last one.

Too lost in her thoughts about newly found friend, Hange forgot to look where she was going. So it took her by a surprise when her forehead had almost collided with someone's chin. She cursed under her breath, it happened for the second time in two days. She was getting too clumsy and absent-minded lately. It was probably due to constant exhaustion and sleep-deprivation. Perhaps, she shouldn’t have ignored Erwin’s advices about taking a break for so long.

Hange lifted her gaze – and Erwin was staring back at her.

“Speak of the devil,” she muttered, too soft for him to hear. Then she took a step back and put on a smile. She hoped it didn't look too forced. "Oh, it's you, Erwin. Hi."

"Good morning," he narrowed his eyes, looking at Hange from head to toe. "Why aren't you in your office? Your shift has already started."

"Yeah..." Hange scratched the back of her neck with a wince. "About that..."

"No way," Erwin raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Hange, you are late?"

"Only by fifteen minutes..." she mumbled, casting her eyes down.

"But you're never late!" Erwin continued to gawk. "And what is that?" he gestured at the cup in Hange's hands with a confused look. "It doesn’t look like coffee from the precinct's vending machine.”

"It's actually tea..."

"What?" Erwin exclaimed. "You're drinking tea? But you hate it!" he leaned closer to Hange's face, staring into her eyes. "Who are you and what did you do with Hange Zoe?"

"Very funny, Erwin," Hange pushed him away with an annoyed huff. "It's just tea, no need to freak out. And since we're already talking, I have a favor. Can I leave early on Friday?"

"You... want to leave early?" Erwin asked carefully. "You?"

Hange rolled her eyes. "Yes. Me. Can I?"

"You're always working after hours, so, of course, you can leave early, I see no problem with that. But, Hange, may I ask why do you need to do it?"

She shrugged. "I have a date."

Erwin choked. "A date?" his eyes went almost comically wide. "You are going on a date?!"

Hange was getting tired of this conversation. "Yes, I am going on a date. Is it so hard to imagine?"

"It's just very, um," Erwin cleared his throat, picking up the right word. "Uncharacteristic of you. You're so focused on your work, it’s actually quite surprising that you’ve noticed someone else, whose last name isn’t Ackerman. Your date must be really special then."

"We've met just yesterday,” Hange revealed with a dreamy sigh. She took a sip of tea and the corners of her lips slightly lifted. “So I’m yet to see if he’s special or not.”

"Well, I'm happy for you," Erwin smiled, clasping her shoulder. "It's good to know that you're taking interest in something, besides Ackerman case. You are so obsessed with it, I was starting to worry."

"You can stop now," Hange chuckled. "Last night I wasn’t thinking about Ackermans at all."

Hange decided not to mention the accident at the end, when Levi had called her 'four-eyes'. She didn't know why she had overreacted. It was a common nickname, kids at school was calling her that since second grade. But they weren't Ackermans. And, obviously, Levi wasn't Ackerman as well. He was just a simple, regular guy. Hange liked that, last night was a nice change from her usual routine. Maybe, Erwin was right in that regard too. Maybe, she did need a distraction.

"It's always nice to have a chat with you," Hange grinned, putting thoughts about Levi to the back of her mind. "But the work doesn't wait. I'll see you around, Erwin!"

As she made a way to her office, a slight spring in her step, the phone vibrated in her pocket, announcing a new message. Hange took it out, reading the text.

Friday, six pm by the movie theatre?

Hange typed ‘can’t wait!’ and entered the office with a wide, happy smile on her face.

*** Grey or blue? Or maybe black? Tuck the shirt in or not? Should he style his hair? Would a tie be too much? Should he wear a coat or would his blazer be enough? Wasn't he overdressed? Was he dressed too casually?

Would Hange like his appearance?

Levi ran a hand through his hair and tsked in annoyance. He was probably overthinking this whole thing. No, he was definitely overthinking it.

Getting ready for the date wasn't supposed to be so hard. Levi had been on dates before, he knew how to do it. Granted, his previous dates weren't actually real, but always a part of Kenny's many rouses.

There was one time, where he had to seduce a casino employee to steal a key card that would get them into the vault. And then there was a time, where he had to take a grieving widow on a date so Kenny could rob her house, while she was absent.

Levi didn't enjoy either of those times, he felt uneasy, but that feeling was caused purely by the fact that he was lying to all of these people. He was never anxious, even though his seducing skills left much to be desired.

Everything was different this time. Levi was aware that technically this date wasn't real too. He was lying to Hange, just as he was lying to all of his previous dates. But that wasn't the main basis for his state. He was nervous about meeting Hange. He was nervous she wouldn't like him.

It made absolutely no sense. Hange was his enemy, a detective who wanted to get him behind bars more than anything. He saw it in her eyes yesterday, her desire and hatred towards Ackermans were transparent. And it bothered him more that it should.

Levi banged his head against the door of a wardrobe, wondering what the fuck was going on with him. When it came to Hange, he couldn't think straight and his usual indifference was nowhere to be found.

He wondered when it had all begun.

Did it happen, when he had seen Hange for the first time? When she was pacing around the house they've robbed, wearing a murderous expression and barking at every policeman? Levi still remembered the feeling of satisfaction he felt upon seeing her frustrations.

Or had it started after he had written his first note to her? He lingered at the scene of the crime that day, pretending to be a janitor. When Hange noticed a small note near the empty slot of the painting they've stolen, he couldn't tear his eyes away from her. Her eyebrows formed a line on her forehead, as she read the contents. Once she was done, she whirled around, as though looking for the person who had left the note. Levi had barely stopped himself from laughing then. He had to leave the place in a hurry after that. If someone had seen his reaction, it wouldn't be that hard to put two and two even for the dense policemen.

Or did it happen last evening, when he made eye contact with Hange for the first time? When he got a glimpse of the other side of fierce detective? When he saw a kind, endearing person underneath that façade?

Levi banged his head again. He was going crazy.

He considered hitting his head against the wooden surface for the third time, when Kenny appeared on the threshold of his room.

"Oi, kid," he crossed hands on his chest and tilted his head, studying Levi curiously. "Are you going somewhere?"

"Yes. But it's none of your business."

"When you say things like that, Levi," Kenny walked further into a room, coming to stand just behind Levi's shoulder. His lips curled into a smirk as he saw the variety of shirts that hanged on the door of the wardrobe. "It only makes me more curious. So, what's up?"

Levi pinched the bridge of his nose with fingers. He knew that he had to tell Kenny at least a portion of the truth. Otherwise, his uncle would find out the other way, and then he would know the whole truth. And Levi really didn't want Kenny to know he was going on a date with a detective.

Yes, he had to tell him about his date, Levi was aware of that. He was also aware of the reaction his words would have on Kenny. He already dreaded it.

"I'm going out," Levi told in a strained voice. He winced, preparing for what was coming. The bomb was going to explode any second. "On a date."

"A date?" Kenny repeated loudly, staring at Levi like he had grown a second head.

"Check your hearing, old man. Yes." Levi glowered. "I'm going on a date."

"You... are going on a... a date," Kenny spoke slowly. "With a real person?"

"Unbelievable, isn't it?" Levi asked sarcastically.

"I can't quite believe it, yes," Kenny agreed, surprisingly honest. He took a few steps back and plopped down on a chair, observing Levi underneath his eyelashes. "And who is that unfortunate soul?"

"We've met a few days ago. Went out for a coffee, then agreed to see each other again and go to the movies."

Kenny whistled. "Not bad, Levi. You going on a date with someone on your own volition, not because I made you. Huh, I'm impressed. When are you going to bring them home? I want to meet them."

“Never,” Levi retorted harshly. “You’ll scare her off.”

Kenny guffawed. “Levi, if she survived an evening with you, she isn’t going to be even fazed by me.”

Well… Maybe, Kenny was right. Levi wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction of admitting it, though.

“If you don't have anything else to say, then get the fuck out.” He told him, turning back to the wardrobe. “I'm in a hurry."

"No respect for his elders," Kenny muttered, shaking his head. He stood up and headed to the door. Just before he reached it, he stopped and looked at the collection of Levi's shirts. He studied them for a moment.

"Pick the blue one," he said at last. "It brings out your eyes."

***

Levi paced around the entrance to the movie theater, his expression turning sourer and sourer with each minute. They've agreed to meet at six. It was already a quarter past six. And still there was no sign of Hange.

Had she forgotten? Or, maybe, there was some emergency? And she had no time to notify him?

Perhaps, she had she changed her mind? Had she decided to stand him up?

Levi glanced at his clock again and decided enough was enough. He grabbed his phone and dialed Hange's number.

He waited and waited and waited. No one picked up. He cursed under his breath.

Was the great detective Hange Zoe cowardly enough to tell that she didn't want to see him to his face? Levi refused to believe it.

Putting his phone back into his pocket, he started to walk. Gladly, he knew exactly where his date could be.

Taking a first turn to the left, he headed to the local police precinct. ***

If someone had said to him a week ago that he'd willingly go inside the police precinct, Levi would have called them a fucking idiot. But here he was, and all because of some pesky detective who didn't show up for their date.

With a grim look on his face, Levi approached the reception desk. A blonde woman with short hair was sitting there, her eyes focused on a computer screen.

Levi cleared his throat to gain her attention.

Looking up, the woman graced him with a polite smile. "How can I help you, sir?"

"Where I can find detective Zoe?"

The woman continued to smile, but a cautious look appeared inside her eyes. "May I ask why do you need her?"

Levi hesitated, not knowing what to say. Should he call himself Hange's date? Or should he come up with another explanation?

He was spared from giving a straight answer by a tall man with sandy hair and very impressive moustache.

Paying no attention to Levi, the man put his elbows on the reception desk, leaning over it.

"Hey, Nana, are you finished already?"

"Almost," the woman whispered, not taking her eyes off Levi. "I just need to deal with the gentleman over here first."

"Oh?" the man turned to Levi, looking him from head to toe. "And who is this?"

"I'm looking for detective Hange Zoe." Levi stated firmly. The man was looming over him, a full head taller than him, but Levi stared him right in the eyes, despite the growing discomfort in his neck area. What a fucking giant, he thought angrily, feeling the muscles in his neck stiffen.

"You're looking for Hange?" the man scratched his chin with a raised brow. "Oh! You must be the infamous thief!"

What?

Levi's heart stopped. He felt the ground disappear from underneath him, as he struggled to make sense of the current situation. So the police already knew? Was it an elaborate plan to make him come right into their hands? Had Hange known the truth since the very beginning? Was he the one who was being played, not the other way around?

His head reeling and his thoughts mashing together, Levi thought about turning around and bolting out of here. Maybe, he'd get lucky and be able to escape. He could use his intimate knowledge of the city's streets, make cops lose him in the labyrinth of back alleys.

Through a fog around his mind, Levi heard the man's chuckle. Instinctively, he turned his head to the direction the sound came from, listening more closely.

"Nana, that's him! The man who stole our beloved Hange's heart!"

What?

"Oh," the woman smiled, tilting her head to study Levi more closely. The suspicion was gone from her gaze almost instantly. "My god, you're right! Short, dark-haired and with a scowl on his face! He looks just like Hange described him."

Hange had described him? Hange talked about him? With her colleagues? And she called him short?

Levi didn’t know what to think of it all, getting even more confused than before.

"Let's go, Romeo," with a short laugh, the tall man threw an arm over Levi's shoulder. "I'll lead you to your Juliette."

***

"I'm Mike, by the way," the giant extended his hand to Levi.

"Levi," he nodded, shaking the offered hand.

"Oh, I know this already," Mike smirked. "It's the only thing our division talks about."

"Me?"

"Your date with Hange," he clarified. "Don’t take it the wrong way. We just worry about Hange a lot. Ever since she took the Ackermans’ case, she became quite obsessed with it. So we’re all glad that she finally took interest in something else.”

"Ackermans’ case? What’s that?" Levi asked, trying to goad Mike into revealing some kind of information. "I’ve never heard of it."

“You haven’t? I thought it’s the talk of the whole city. Either way, I'm sure Hange will fill you in in no time. It's one of her favorite topics nowadays."

His attempt obviously failed, so Levi merely grunted, hoping this kind of answer would suffice.

"We're almost here," Mike announced, turning the corner. "Before you go, I just want to say something." Levi looked up at Mike, picking up a slight shift in his tone. It wasn't as friendly anymore. "We all like Hange very much, so if you hurt her..."

"Got it," Levi swallowed, the feeling of shame weighing down on him. He didn't want to hurt Hange. He knew he was most probably going to.

“And another thing,” Mike mumbled, leaning closer to him. With wide eyes, Levi watched how the man started sniffing him, his nostrils flaring. “Yeah, you’re alright,” he concluded with a satisfied smirk. “A bit weird, but alright.” Mike clasped him on a back, his strong hand almost made Levi stumble. "That's Hange's office," he gestured at the door with Hange's name written on it and then left, humming under his breath.

Levi watched him go, wondering what the fuck had just happened. Had the man really sniffed him? What was that about? Should he be concerned? Honored? He should definitely ask Hange about it.

Shaking his head, he brushed the invisible dirt from his blazer. He breathed in, preparing himself, and then knocked on the door.

"Come in!" someone yelled from the other side. Levi instantly recognized Hange's deep voice.

He opened the door and entered. Hange gasped.

"Levi!” she jumped to her feet, almost knocking back the chair in the process. “Oh god, I'm so sorry! Our date! I forgot about it!"

All annoyance Levi had felt up to this moment had disappeared the moment he saw how embarrassed Hange was. She seemed genuinely ashamed and Levi couldn’t find it in himself to stay angry any longer. Although, he still couldn't pass an opportunity to tease her a bit more.

"I thought you decided to stand me up." He said in the saddest voice he could master. It wasn't that different from his usual one, but Hange's reaction was priceless.

"No! I would never, I just forgot about time, I'm—"

"It seems like I'm largely at fault here."

Levi blinked, as a tall blonde man came into his view. He recognized him right away, Captain Erwin Smith was as imposing in person, as he was on Levi's phone screen. Was he present in the room since Levi had entered it? Despite his quite large figure, up until he announced his presence, Levi didn't notice him at all.

"Hange, you may go, since your gentleman is already waiting," Erwin smiled, standing up from a chair across from Hange’s desk. "We'll finish tomorrow."

"Alright!" Hange waved her hand in Erwin’s general direction, too busy with gathering her belongings.

Watching her frantic moves, Erwin let out a soft chuckle. “She’s really excited about your date,” he whispered to Levi. “I’m Erwin Smith, Hange’s Captain.”

“Levi,” he let out his surname, for obvious reasons. “Hange’s… friend.”

“Take care of her, alright?” despite the warm smile and easy expression, Erwin’s blue eyes bored into Levi with surprising intensity. If he wasn’t so good at concealing his emotions, Levi would have squirmed under the heavy gaze.

“And bring her home before ten!” Erwin added, raising his voice, so Hange could hear him.

“Just go already!” Hange snapped, glaring at him. “Stop embarrassing me!”

Erwin laughed, but obeyed, heading to the door. Before he walked out, he gave Levi another look. This one was a little less hostile than his previous one, but it was just as successful in making Levi feel uneasy. Erwin Smith was a sharp and dangerous man. Levi hoped it was their last meeting.

“What’s taking you so long?” Levi grumbled, as he approached Hange’s desk. She was looking for something, opening drawer after drawer and shifting through their contents.

“I can’t find my phone!” she whined, forcefully pushing another drawer shut.

“That’s why you didn’t answer my calls,” Levi guessed, as he pretended to join Hange’s search. He started looking through the papers on her desk, his eyes going over them quickly. Most of it was regular paperwork, reports from Hange’s patrols and other boring stuff. One file caught his attention, though. It was a case from 1988. What Hange could need it for? His fingers twitched to open and read the whole thing, his mind scrambling to explain, how it could be linked to him and Kenny.

He didn’t want to raise any suspicious, though. So with a heavy heart, Levi laid the case file down and continued to search for Hange’s phone.

“Got it!” Hange fished the phone from underneath the table. “Must have fallen down somewhere during the day. Ah, and it was on silent, so that’s why I didn’t hear your calls. Sorry about that,” she added sheepishly.

“It’s fine,” Levi said. “You have an important job, I get it.”

“I’ll make it up to you,” Hange promised, as she put on her coat. “Are we too late already?"

"We are," Levi confirmed grimly. "Good thing it's a marathon, we can still be in time for a movie or two."

"Let’s hurry then!” Hange linked their hands together and dragged Levi along with her.

***

"Did you enjoy the movies?" Levi asked, after they left the cinema auditorium.

"Yes!" Hange answered, nodding enthusiastically. "They were great!"

"But you were complaining all the time," Levi noted, taking an empty bucket of popcorn from her hands and throwing it out in the trashcan.

"Well, there were a lot of inaccuracies in these movies. And most of the things these guys did would get me fired, or worse, earn me a very strict verbal reprimanding from Erwin. But yeah, I still had fun watching them. Did you?"

"Maybe, I would have," Levi shrugged. "If you had shut your mouth for at least a second."

"I warned you," Hange smiled, unfazed by his rude tone.

She did. And, truthfully, despite his bitching Levi actually enjoyed himself at the movies too. He was sure that whatever plot was unraveling on a screen wasn't even half as amusing as Hange's hilarious commentary.

As he walked through the movie theater's hallway with Hange by his side, Levi felt unusually content. Hange's company was unexpectedly pleasant.

Once they left the theatre and walked outside, however, Levi's good mood disappeared without a trace.

It was snowing. Big, fluffy snowflakes slowly descended from the sky, haphazardly falling down to the ground. The city around them was covered in snow and Levi involuntary shuddered, feeling the cold seeping into his bones, and then spread right to his heart.

"Levi?" Hange laid a hand on his elbow, her face and voice equally concerned. "Is everything alright?"

Shaking off his stupor, Levi nodded.

"Sure," he slumped his shoulders slightly, staring right ahead. "Just a bit colder than I expected to."

"Oh. Do you want to go home then?"

"It's up to you. Is there something you want to go?"

"There is one place," Hange said enigmatically. "It's not far from here. And I know just the way to keep you warm."

Levi raised an eyebrow, curious.

With a playful grin, Hange took his hand, interlaced their fingers and hid their joined palms inside the pocket of her coat.

"Better now?" she asked.

"Just a little," he mumbled, turning his face away to hide his embarrassment.

Judging by the soft look in her eyes and her slightly wider smile, Hange was able to see right through him.

“Let’s go before I freeze to death,” Levi grunted, dead set on keeping up his rude exterior.

*** The place Hange had led him to was just a walking distance away. While they strolled through the city, she seamlessly filled the silence with her chatter. She talked about anything and everything. She complained about her noisy colleagues, told him how she nearly burned her breakfast this morning, because she almost fell asleep in the shower, and shared her thoughts on a movie Levi had never even heard about.

He didn't participate in the conversation, only offering different kinds of grunts from time to time, but Hange didn't seem to mind.

Levi was grateful to her all the same, Hange's babbling, even though, a bit silly, helped him take his mind off certain things, memories he didn't wish to relive today. And her hand that was still holding his kept him grounded, forcing him to focus on his sensations.

"And here we are!" Hange exclaimed, stopping in front of the entrance to the park.

Levi looked around, appreciating the view. The park wasn't big, but it was away from busy streets. It was practically empty too, save for a couple of joggers and a few dog owners. Most importantly, it was quiet. Levi liked that.

He turned to face Hange, meaning to thank her for bringing him here. But when he looked to the side, Hange wasn't there. She was crouched a few steps away from him. There was wide, mischievous smile on her face and Levi instinctively took a step back, glaring at her.

"No," he warned. "Don't you dare—"

He didn't get to finish his threat, and a snowball that hit him right in the forehead was the reason for it. Levi cursed, furiously wiping snow from his face.

"Run, Hange," he growled, bending over to gather some snow too.

Not needing him to tell twice, Hange sprinted off, laughing joyfully. Levi formed a snowball and rushed after her. As he got closer, he raised his hand and aimed the snowball at Hange. It landed right in the center of her back and Hange yelped.

"That was low even for you, shorty!" she shouted. "Attacking from the back is against rules!"

"I don't remember you setting the rules!" Levi smirked, making another snowball.

He threw it again, but Hange hid behind the tree, evading his attack. She immediately retaliated, staining the front of Levi's blazer with snow.

Hange cackled, celebrating the successful hit. Levi tossed another snowball and again, Hange effortlessly dodged it. Levi decided to switch tactics. Getting to his feet, he ran right at Hange, spreading his arms and circling them around her waist. Using the momentum, he threw Hange on the soft snow, falling on top of her.

"Do you yield?" he asked, staring down at her.

"N-never!" Hange replied, panting. She raised her arms, which Levi, in hindsight, had forgotten to pin down, and pushed Levi's blazer up, revealing his shirt. She laid her hands on his ribs and her fingers started tickling him.

Levi wheezed, pushing her hands away. Hange took this opportunity to flip them over, landing on top of him. Not repeating Levi’s mistake, she pinned down his arms and then secured his hips with her knees.

"Do you yield?" she grinned victoriously.

Hange looked like a mess - hair disheveled, glasses askew, red-cheeked and breathing heavily. Levi couldn't look away.

"Fine, I yield," he grumbled. "Just get off me."

Hange complied almost instantly, falling in the snow next to Levi.

"Oi," Levi huffed, struggling to catch his breath. "Get up. You're going to catch a cold."

“I’ll be fine,” Hange replied lazily.

“Your boss would kill me if you become sick.”

Hange laughed and the joyful sound reverberated through the otherwise silent park. “Erwin scared you, didn’t he? Don’t make him fool you, he’s actually a big softie,” yeah, Levi had some heavy doubts about that. Maybe, Erwin Smith was indeed a softie. But only to Hange and his other co-workers.

“And what about your other friends? That giant of a man, for example.”

“You’ve met Mike!” Hange exclaimed, throwing her hands up. She turned to Levi, watching him with amused eyes. “Did he try to sniff you?”

“He did. What the fuck was that about?”

“It’s just a habit of his, don’t think about it too much. I need to know, though,” Hange moved her face closer to Levi’s, curiosity sparkling in her gaze. “What did he say?”

“Said I was ‘alright’.” Levi grunted.

“Oh! That’s a high praise, coming from him. Yeah, he won’t beat you up, don’t worry,” again, Levi wasn’t sure about that. “Let’s just stay here for a moment. Relax, we only live once, shorty. Enjoy the moment."

Levi's pants and hair were wet and starting to freeze, his fingers felt numb from the cold, but he did, as Hange said, and tried to relax. It was surprisingly easy, he noted, as he raised his gaze to the night sky. No stars were looking back at him, the weather too cloudy to allow for that, but Levi found a strange beauty in that nevertheless. It was quiet, it was calm. He felt at peace.

"How did you find this place?" he asked Hange quietly, wanting to preserve the tranquil atmosphere.

"I used to come here often, as a child. I visited it with my mom almost every weekend. Do you have a special place like this with your mom?"

"My mom died," Levi blurted out.

"Oh," Hange’s face fell. She pushed herself up, resting on her elbow. "Levi, I'm so sorry..."

"Don't be. It happened a long time ago."

"But you still miss her," she softly noted.

“I don’t.” Levi argued stubbornly, trying to keep his stern façade. “And if I did, how would you know about this? We’ve just met. You barely know me.”

“I’m a detective, remember?” Hange reminded. “It’s my job to be observant. You’re a hard nut to crack, Levi, your face is always so scary,” she mimicked Levi’s usual scowl, and he rolled his eyes, biting back a smile. “But your eyes show what you truly feel. And they look so sad. It was the first thing I’ve noticed about you actually."

Levi looked up, meeting her gaze. There was something inside it, it was inviting him, enticing him into trusting Hange with things he had never revealed to anyone.

"It was snowing when she died," he whispered. He closed his eyes and could almost feel it - the cold wind ruffling his hair and bits of snow flying through the open window as he sat next to his mother's dead body, unable to comprehend why she wasn't getting up; the crunching noise his shiny new shoes produced as he walked through the snowy cemetery; the numbness in his hands and legs as he kneeled before her grave, begging her to come back. “That’s why I hate snow so much.”

He knew Hange was watching him closely and she probably had noted the slight trembling that wracked his body. She said nothing, though, just simply took his hand in hers and squeezed it.

Levi was grateful for her silence. He was grateful for her presence.

Hange didn't offer him meaningless words of condolences or fake encouragements. She just held his hand, reminding him that he was not alone.

"Sorry for bringing the mood down," he said after a few more minutes of silence.

Hange smiled, a gentle look in her warm, brown eyes.

"Don't you even think of being embarrassed about this, Levi. I—"

Whatever she was going to say was suddenly interrupted by a loud shrill.

"Excuse me," Hange took out her phone and looked at the screen, grimacing. "I have to take it," she explained and stood up, walking a few steps away.

With detached look, Levi watched how expressions on her face changed. First appeared annoyance, then anger, next came curiosity, before it settled into determination.

Hange put the phone back into her pocket and came back. Now she wore an apologetic expression on her face. "It's an emergency," she said, offering Levi a hand to help him up.

“Do you want me to walk you back?”

“No, thanks,” Hange winced. “My friend will pick me up.”

“Oh, alright,” Levi nodded numbly, not knowing what to say.

“I’ll text you, yeah?” she looked at him with a hopeful smile. “So we could meet again, perhaps?”

“Sure,” he agreed. “I would love that.”

“Awesome!” Hange gave him finger guns, and Levi rolled his eyes, smacking her arm playfully.

“See you soon!” she shouted and then hurriedly walked away.

As soon as she was gone, Levi was cold once again.

#obviously this is set in a parallel universe where people can still go to movies lmao #anyway nothing happens in this chapter but! maybe the next chapter will be more exciting #no guarantees though :)#levihan #levihan fanfiction

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