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cait-with-luv · 1 year

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Little Leopard [4]

"If it weren't for seven men that fateful night you wouldn't be here now. They showed you good people did exist. That life can be great, that you can be loved and cared for. These seven men were the men you loved and cherished. These men were your mates. Your safety blanket. And to them. You were their Little Leopard."

Header Credit: Me

Pairing: OT7 X Hybrid!Reader

Genre: Hybrid! AU, Strangers to Lovers! AU, Rich!BTS, Fluff, Angst, eventual smut, Polyamorous!BTS

Warnings: Mentions of murder, abuse, sexual assault, drugs, PTSD, explicit language, body dysmorphia, anxiety, body branding (Not sure if this is a warning but putting it anyway)

Word Count: 5.1K

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“We need to talk.”

The boys pause and look at each other before Seokjin is clearing his throat and gestures to Namjoon to speak first but he holds his hand up and shakes his head. It seemed they all had things to discuss.

“You guys should go first. We have a lot to explain.” Namjoon urges his eldest boyfriend, leaning back into the couch, smiling slightly as Jungkook takes his hand into his and squeezes it reassuringly. He could see how stressed his partner was. They could all see it. They couldn’t blame him either, he had been working day and night along with Yoongi and Hoseok to try and find you in the system and find the cruel human that had left you to die in the alley and they were constantly reaching dead ends. It was like you didn’t even exist.

“Well, I’m taking her with me to the clinic tomorrow, if anyone is free you can come with me, I don’t know how she’ll react in a medical environment, I need to do a full physical checkup. Whilst we were out, we took her to get a collar so she can come out with us more often and I asked if she needed anything else, she picked up heat suppressants, she was forced to have them every day, we explained to her how bad they were and when I asked when her last heat was, guys she hasn’t had one for around two to three years, it’s dangerous, Leopards are meant to have heats every two to three months. If she’ll ever have one again is beyond me and if she does get one, it’s going to be intense, most likely more painful too. I have to check she’s physically doing okay.” Seokjin delineates watching their faces harden. The system had really failed you.

“I’ll go with you. I’m working from home tomorrow anyway, I have things to do away from the station.” Hoseok says and runs a hand through his hair, he was already in a bad mood. The things that had been revealed today had sent the usually calm and collected man into a spiral of anger and disappointment.

“You guys aren’t going to like what we have to tell you…” Yoongi trails off shaking his head, he couldn’t believe what they had found, how they managed for it to slip through the cracks. He was ashamed. He felt like he needed to do better. Because who knows how many more had managed to be missed.

“We did more background searching on her. We couldn’t find her at all in the system, so we were beginning to assume she was illegally being ‘owned’, Hobi came to help out and we had to dig really deep. We eventually managed to find her documents she was under a false name and under Snow Leopard instead of her actual hybrid breed an Amur Leopard. Meaning someone in the protection company had either been paid off to turn a blind eye or worked for the person but when we went to check her owners' files we discovered that he’s deceased, he died three years ago, cause of death was homicide so Hobi did a little digging into it but it means he was not her last owner, someone else had taken her, possibly the one who killed her last ‘owner’.” Namjoon frowns and Hoseok reaches into his bag for the file and hands it to Taehyung who begins to read it, Jimin and Seokjin reading over his shoulders.

“Yun Jong-Dae, aged forty at the time of his death, his autopsy had shown that he had strangulation, gunshot wounds, a disturbing amount of ketamine in him, enough to kill an elephant, any one of these could have been the cause, someone really wanted him dead but the case went cold, they couldn’t find who killed him. He had a criminal record too. Gang affiliation, abuse, sexual assault, drug use and possession, attempted murder. He was a terrible person. I found receipts of multiple reports made to his house too. Neighbors had called us concerned, saying they constantly heard yelling and screams coming from his house but the officers that went to the scene did nothing saying they saw nothing suspicious. I checked which officers went to the address and every single one was from my division. She was in that fucking house and my station failed her. I am now in the process of checking every incident they’ve been reported to and having them suspended.” Hoseok fumes, jaw clenched in rage. He could have had you saved earlier if it weren’t for his own colleagues turning a blind eye.

“Y-You don’t think he you know…” Jimin murmurs anxiously. He couldn’t bring himself to say it, the word left a bitter taste in his mouth, it made him nauseous to think about you having to suffer like that.

“As much as we want to think that he didn’t the chances that he did…assault her is likely. We can’t make her tell us either alright? She may tell us one day. We go at her pace okay?” Yoongi declares, he did not want you to feel like you had to do anything. He wants you to know you can make all your own choices from here on out.

They all nod in agreement and sit in silence, taking in everything that had been revealed, they were all filled with rage, guilt, and shame. For a while, you had been right under their noses and they hadn’t had a clue.

It was progress, finding out more about your background, they knew that but they also knew they still had a lot more to go. It was not going to be an easy process and it was going to be tedious but for you? They had all the patience in the world.

“Where do we go from here? What’s our next step? Because she’s basically a stray hybrid right? She’s now isn’t legally under anyone so we can adopt her? It will secure her safety with us and prevent her from being put back into the system and going through hell again. I can have the papers easily by tomorrow.” Taehyung says closing the file and handing it back to Hoseok.

“Technically yes but we can just have her sign papers Tae baby, we want her to have her own opinion on this and consent. We want to give her options not take them away from her like has had all her life. This is something we need to sit down with her and talk about and we don’t know what the process is going to be like for her, she could be put in a shelter for observations and for our pending papers to be approved.” Namjoon sighs but Taehyung shakes his head.

“It won’t be a difficult process, I can have us down as her foster home so she’ll still be able to stay with us until the papers are approved, she isn’t under a shelter, she has no owner, they can’t place her in a place she wasn’t at the beginning with. The process will be simple but I understand where you’re coming from, we want her approval before we start it.” Taehyung clarifies with a nod of his head. Yoongi opens his mouth to talk but closes it, the conversation coming to an end suddenly as they hear you walk down the stairs, giving you a soft smile as you step into the living room timidly.

“Hey Cub, did you have a nice shower? You even got some new pajamas? You look much comfier now.” Yoongi grins, almost cooing at the sight of you clutching your tail in your hands, shuffling in your spot shyly as you nod curtly, a low chuckle leaving his mouth. You were too cute.

“Want me to brush your hair and put it up for you Sweetpea?” Hoseok asks softly, patting the empty spot beside him for you to sit.

“I-It’s okay Hoseok, thank you though, is it okay if I go to bed instead of watching a movie? I-I didn’t realize how tired I was.” You whisper immediately getting smiles at you and nods. How could they tell you no? You were too sweet.

“Of course, you can go to bed Princess, you don’t have to ask, we can always watch a movie another day, there’s plenty of time to, sleep well okay? Remember if you need anything at all you can always come to us.” Namjoon cooed, giving you a dimpled smile that almost had your knees going weak. It was one of the prettiest smiles you had seen. They all murmur soft goodnights and sleep wells until Jungkook stands up and pouts at you,

“Hey, Sweet Girl, I promised I’d help you with your skincare routine and how to use the things I got you, you gotta take care of it now, Baby, come on let’s go get you properly ready for bed.”

—

“Hey, Jungkookie?” You hum as he helps with your skincare routine with the products he had gotten you before at the mall. You had figured out that you had sensitive skin just like him so he had bought you some products that he uses to help protect and soothe his own skin so now after your shower, he was helping you apply them, demanding that you have to take care of your skin so you don’t have sore skin.

He smiles softly at the nickname, gently applying a toner onto your face and almost cooing at your innocent eyes staring at him curiously, watching his every move wondering what he was doing. He sometimes wondered how on earth you were a leopard hybrid. You were more like a kitten or a rabbit.

“Yes, Sweet Girl?” He asks with a smile on his face, raising an eyebrow at your hesitation to continue with what you wanted to say. He pats your head as a reassurance that you could talk to him without worrying, nodding as you open your mouth to speak.

“What do you all do for a living?” You ask quietly, noticing the look of surprise on his face, he hadn’t expected you to ask about their careers but he was willing to answer. If it meant getting you to open up to them more and gaining your trust more then he’d answer. It wasn’t like they had anything to hide anyway.

“Well, we all work in different things but we all work together in a way if that makes sense? Our jobs link us together. Not really mine but sometimes. Namjoonie Hyung and Yoongi Hyung work together the most. Namjoon is the founder and CEO of a Hybrid Protection company and Yoongi is the deputy CEO. They help any and every hybrid who needs it, whether they be a stray, from an abusive home, fight rings, auctions, literally anything. They make sure that no matter where the hybrid comes from they are safe and get everything they need. I guess sometimes I help out if they have too much on their hands." He begins smiling slightly. He was always proud of what his partners do, he places aside the products before focusing his attention on you and continuing,

"Hobi Hyung is a detective in the police force. He works on all kinds of cases. He likes to mostly solve hybrid-related cases, knowing that other stations can usually turn them down and go for human ones. He wants them to get given justice just as equally as humans do. Jin Hyung is a Hybrid Medical Doctor. He treats all Hybrids' injuries and any illnesses they may have, he wants to save and care for as many hybrids as he can, it breaks his heart if he can’t. Tae Tae is a Hybrid Representative Lawyer. He basically supports any Hybrid in court and stuff like that, whether it be a change in adoption, abuse cases, or all sorts. Jiminie owns his own Hybrid Shelter. So he takes in any abandoned, stray, recently removed from abusive homes, even abandoned hybrid infants and children. He gives them a home they may have never gotten, and treatments for anything from medical or mentally, they have a choice of wanting to stay and live there or have a chance to have another home. He is so thorough with checking every single person’s background who comes in wanting to adopt. He’s very protective of them all.” Jungkook explains chuckling as you stare at him in awe, they were doing something barely anyone would do.

They all work with something related to hybrids. Wanting to protect them and give them more rights. Live an equal life as humans, to end the oppression and stigmas against Hybrids. Activists in a way. But you frown when you realize something. He had left himself out. He told you everything about his partners but not about himself.

“Well…what about you Jungkook? What do you do?” You ask as he sits in front of you and sighs giving you a small smile, taking your hands into his, and looking down at them. Was he uncomfortable about talking about his career?

“Mine’s…a bit more boring than theirs, Sweet girl. I don’t wanna bore you.” He says looking back up at you but you shake your head at him with a pout.

“Nothing about you is boring Jungkookie.” You murmur, a blush coming to your cheeks when you realize what you had said out loud, purring when Jungkook pecks your forehead and smiles at you in appreciation.

“Thank you, baby, that was kind of you. I’m…a hybrid tattoo artist. Yeah I know it's not as extravagant as the others huh? I was just an average tattoo artist just tattooing humans but when I worked in a studio we had so many hybrid’s coming in wanting tattoos and my boss would just…turn them away. But they weren’t coming for a tattoo for the fun of it. They were coming in to cover up something that reminded them of their past. Like a bad scar or tattoo of their number they were given from fight rings or even brandings. I felt like it was unfair, they just wanted a fresh start and they weren’t getting a chance to do that so I left and I opened my own studio for Hybrids. I don’t charge them anything so I don’t really get much profit, I get some humans from time to time and they pay because they want to keep my business running but I refuse to charge a Hybrid for wanting to cover up something traumatic to them. I know it’s not much but if it makes a difference for them to live a happier life, to show them that there are humans that care for them then I’m happy and hopefully I’ve somewhat of a difference.” He murmurs and your heart swells. His job was anything but boring, he had a job that would make a massive impact on a hybrid's life.

“That’s…the kindest thing I’ve ever heard Jungkookie. What all of you do. It’s amazing, I’ve never met anyone who cares so much about us, it’s special and I think I speak for all hybrids when I say this. Thank you. For being our voice…for being the ones to protect us and make us feel…normal. You should be proud of what you do. I may not be the greatest at expressing my emotions or understanding the simplest of things but if it weren’t for you guys. I would have had no future, I wouldn’t be able to have my eyes opened to the good in the world. I’m very very grateful and I promise to work hard on my healing and become a person you can be proud of.” You say shyly looking down, feeling your heart race.

Jungkook stared at you with a pout on his lips, squeezing your hands and taking a deep breath in. It was taking everything in him to not cry. It was the first time you had openly spoken about how you were comfortable living with them and how grateful you were for everything that they do for you. The first time he had heard someone really thank him and the boys for what they do. It only motivated him more. To give you a better life. To give hybrids around the world a better life.

“Thank you so much Y/N, I didn’t know how much I needed to hear that. But, Sweet Girl, you don’t need to thank us for what we do for you. It’s the right thing to do. And I don’t think you understand how proud of you we are already, you’re doing so well. I know how difficult it must have been for you to trust us after everything you’ve been through, it must have been scary. You are so strong and brave. The bravest person I know. You have a future now and it’s only going to get better from here on out.” Jungkook says, gently lifting your head to look at him and he gives you a look of admiration. Proud written all over his and with all your courage you quickly place a kiss on his cheek, both of your eyes going wide and cheeks flushing red. It took him by surprise but his heart skipped a beat. He wasn’t expecting it but now he wanted more. It felt like a warm hug. Like a dew-freckled petal caught in a breeze, so soft and with the smallest hint of coolness. He will never forget this moment. This was a memory to remember.

“W-What was that for?” He stammers out and you shift in your spot and shrug, a shy giggle leaving your lips. He could have passed out right then and there, his heart was in frenzy. He couldn’t how adorable you were. It was too much.

“I…I don’t know…it just felt right to do? I’m sorry d-did I overstep?” You murmur nervously and he shakes his head quickly, a massive grin appearing on his face. He looked lovestruck. Like a teenage boy with a massive crush on his classmate. And he was beginning to feel like one. He loved six people already, and his heart had already felt full but now…now he realizes there was room for just one more person.

“You didn’t overstep baby, just nearly made my heart explode that’s all with how cute you are.” He teases making you laugh and shake your head at him before your thoughts begin to trail remembering that his job was tattooing. Specifically Hybrids. You had something you wanted gone. Something you may not be able to really see yourself but you knew it was there. Would he help you get rid of it one day?

“Actually Jungkook…you’re a tattoo artist, c-could…c-could you cover something for me one day? W-When I’m ready?” You ask, feeling your heart race with fear and insecurity. You were about to let him step into your past. Not much but it was enough to have you terrified. What would he think?

He frowns but nods slowly, noting your hesitation. He had seen many of your scars but there must be one prominent one that played on your mind a lot, one that he may have not seen but it worried me. Just how bad was it to have you practically trembling with fear? He could almost feel the anxiety coming off you.

“Sweet girl, it’s okay, you don’t have to be afraid, I will never judge you, you don’t even have to show me it yet or even tell me how you got it. I’m not going to make you, everything you do is at your own pace, not ours.” He reassures but you shake your head, taking a deep breath. You need to do this. This was something that you needed to get off your chest no matter how much it reminded you of your past. This was part of healing right? Overcoming the trauma.

“I need to do this. I’ve got to. I want to overcome this.” You murmur before slowly turning around so your back was facing him and biting your cheek to hold back the tears already welling up in your eyes, slowly lifting your shirt up to show him your back, shutting your eyes as you hear his breath hitch and the smell of anger hit your nose. This was one thing you hated. How you could sense pheromone changes. Jungkook’s once soft linen and lavender scent now smelt burnt and sour. The scent overwhelming your sensitive nose with how strong it was.

Jungkook was relieved you couldn’t see his face though. His face contorted from concern, to worry and lastly anger. Rage. People made him sick. He felt ashamed that he was human. Because all they know how to do in the world is oppress, and discriminate. Hurt others. Hurt Hybrids. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from it. The branding on your left shoulder blade will forever be imprinted in his mind. How the skin was slightly risen and horribly scarred. He can’t imagine the pain you suffered from it. From getting it to the healing. It must have been excruciating. He could tell it must have suffered an infection at some point from how poorly healed it was. His stomach churned as he leans closer and just about manages to read it.

‘Property of Kang Seo-Jun’’

“Baby…W-Was this who you were stuck with previously?” Jungkook whispers, feeling tears well up in his eyes. No wonder why you wanted it gone. He would no doubt cover it for you. Decorating your shoulder with something so pretty and bright, you’ll forget that it was even a cover-up for it. Not a single memory of it in your mind again. Completely erased.

“Y-Yeah. It i-is. You must be disgusted right? I am. H-He took away any of my belonging. The l-little ownership I had of myself. I will never forget him. H-He haunts my dreams every night. I feel like I can hear his voice still sometimes. He was by far the worst owner I had. T-The night he took me, he had some of his men pin me down and burnt it onto my skin. T-The pain was unbearable. I-I still feel it sometimes if I think about it long enough. H-He hurt me so much. H-He enjoyed my pain. H-He did s-so much but I’m not ready to open up about it yet. He l-laughed as he did it. Called me his ‘little bitch’, and all I was to him w-was a punching bag for his entertainment and pleasure. I-I really wanted to die. I really thought h-he was going to kill me eventually. I-I can’t go back there Jungkook. I can’t. H-He really will make sure I’m dead. I was meant to die that night.” You sob covering your face, whimpering as Jungkook lifts the shirt up again that you had let go of and soothingly rubs up and down your spine, his heart aching at how your tail sadly flicks slightly. From hearing how much you really had been through even if it was just the surface.

“Oh sweet girl, you are safe now. We will never let anyone hurt you again. He will never come near you again and he will be punished for this. Soon he will be a distant memory. Someone completely irrelevant to you. He has taken nothing from you. You are your own person. You have your very much-deserved freedom now, baby. Everything he may have ever told you is nothing but horrible lies. I am so so sorry you had to endure this and everything else you have gone through. You are so beautiful in your own unique way. I am not disgusted by you and neither are the boys. You will never experience anything like this again. You did so well telling me a little bit about your past. I’m so proud of you. You were so brave. Everything is going to be okay now. I promise you. I swear to you.” He says so softly, hesitating before placing a gentle kiss on your scar before pulling back and a small smile appearing at your little shudder from feeling his lips on your skin but it wasn’t from being uncomfortable, Jungkook knew it wasn’t from the way you relaxed.

You say nothing, too in shock from the gentle kiss he placed, from how you managed to open up and how he never interrupted you, just sat and listened to you, and then reassured you he was proud of you and was not disgusted in you. You had never felt this way before. You couldn’t put your finger on it. You didn’t know what this emotion was but you hoped that in the future you would understand it. Know what it was because it felt warm, strong yet comforting. It had your heart racing but in a good way. And you wanted to feel more of it.

“I hate to ask this but can I take a photo of this Sweet girl? Don’t panic, it’s okay, it’s just because this will be evidence baby. Against him. It will help Hobi hyung in finding him and having evidence against him to get him arrested and locked up. It will help Taehyungie in court for you. That’s all. We want to get you justice.” He elucidates when he feels you tense. You didn’t want the others to know but you knew if you wanted to feel completely safe, he needed to be prosecuted. They need to know to make it happen so you nod curtly, swallowing the lump in your throat but the nod wasn’t enough for Jungkook. He needed vocal consent.

“Words Sweet Girl. I need to hear your consent, not just a visual one. Verbal consent is very important in this home baby.” He murmurs, nodding in approval as he hears you whisper an ‘okay’ before quickly snapping a photo and checking it and quickly turning his phone off and throwing it aside, and turning you around to finally face him, wiping the tears that slid down your cheeks.

“Permission to hold you in my arms?” He asks, brushing hair out your face before gently tugging you into his arms as you nod and begin to move into his lap. You tuck your head into the crook of his neck as he wraps his arms around tightly and sways side to side, biting back a chuckle as you begin to subconsciously scent him, rubbing your head into his neck, a low happy purr leaving your lips. He felt so content and happy. You were finally listening to your animal instincts and relieving any urge you may have had but never realized. The more you got comfortable with them, the more your leopard came out. And with that, you finally lulled to sleep. The quickest you had ever fallen asleep. The safest you had ever felt to fall asleep.

Not a single thought in mind.

—

“Kang Seo-Jun”

“Huh?”

“She opened up to me a little. The sick bastard that left her in that alley, his name is Kang Seo-Jun.” Jungkook grits out, opening his phone and going to his gallery, clicking on the photo he had taken and practically shoving his phone into Hoseok’s face.

“This is what she showed me, I got permission from her of course to take the photo. We’ve really underestimated how much she’s been through guys. We knew it was severe but I never imagined the actual extent.” He whimpers sitting down and holding his head in his hands. He wanted to break down in front of you but he knew he couldn’t, not when you were in tears yourself reliving the memories, he had to be strong for you but now, he could let it out.

“Can I send this to myself love bug? I need this evidence.” Hoseok breathes out, he could feel the anger boiling the longer he stared at the photo, quickly sending it to himself when he gets a silent nod from Jungkook and passing the phone to Yoongi and so on, each of their faces contorting to undeniable rage.

“Kookie talk to us, what did she tell you? How did you manage to get her to open up to you?” Yoongi asks faintly, he could visibly see the distress the boy was in. He didn’t want to tip him off the edge. Jungkook swallows the lump in his throat before looking up and begins to explain to them how you had asked about what they all do career-wise, telling them how you thanked them all for what they do and how your body language had changed as you asked him to cover up the branding when you were ready which lead you to show him and telling him how you got it. By the time he had finished, he had tears falling, Hoseok was on the phone immediately demanding his colleagues to send him any information on the demented man. They were all having internal battles with their anger. Their sadness.

“Hyungs…s-she’s suffered so much. I-I just know she hasn’t even scratched the surface of her past. She deserved none of this. S-She’s too good for this world.” Jungkook sniffles, snuggling into Jimin as the older man tugs him into a hug, cradling the younger boy close and kissing the top of his head.

“She’s safe now baby, she will suffer no more. You did good. We are proud of you for how you handled it, and how you got her to open up without pushing her. It shows us how comfortable she’s getting. She felt safe to tell you. You took good care of her, well done Koo.” Taehyung reassures, snuggling into the other side of the younger boy, rubbing his arm encouragingly. It was no secret between them all that Jungkook was the most sensitive to Hybrid cruelty, having witnessed it at a young age, he understands how severe how bad it can get. He had such a big heart and they do everything they can to protect it.

“He’s right, you did great, Hoseok is going to find out everything he can on the bastard and bring him down with Taehyung, he isn’t going to get away with it, Y/N will get the justice she deserves at last. His karma is coming and it’s us. He will suffer for what he’s done.” Yoongi sneers, he could happily track him down right now and punish him for everything he’s done. He couldn’t wait to watch the twisted crook pay for his crimes. They were a step closer to finding him. A step closer to you finally having justice, and peace of mind that your trauma wasn’t for nothing.

You were their little leopard and they’d do anything for you.

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Taglist

@sunoosult @pb-n-juju @kimsaerom @tinyoonsblog @mintyoonjisworld @malewife-supremacy @army4eve3r @mageprincess7 @dreamamubarak @ot7nem @haleypearce @yoongiigolden @driftapart @carolinexkpop @koobratzy @devilsadvcte @colourlyhobbit @toughbook @ah2002 @beeeee06 @euphoriayongbok @bbgniecyy @kurowvie @jaiuneamesolitaiire @rich-man-v @bangtanxberm @murkydoesnotloveyou @cheychey-4788 @atinygracie @echo-ethe @yo-alli @blancflms @jamlessstars @theblueslytherin @rosquilleta @slash4slashers @chieftoadturkeynickel @m4r1eluvr @rainbow-bunny-bts @thedarkwinterrose @anjoellamorte @cath-fach @welcometomyworld13 @djodjom1 @sugarrush-blush

#little leopard #bts #hoseok #namjoon #seokjin #yoongi #jimin #jungkook #bts polyamory #bts poly #polyamorous bts #polyamory bts #poly bts #taehyung #bts hybrid au #bts strangers to lovers au #hybrid bts #ot7xhybrid reader #ot7 bts x reader

651 notes · View notes

my-autism-adhd-blog · 11 months

Note

Hello!

I have heard lots of people talking about sensory issues, and how people feel pain when they experience an unpleasant sensory thing. I don't experience pain with any sensory stuff - when I am in 'sensory overload' due to noise its like its pressing in on me and I cant think properly, and kinda the same with other sensory stuff. My question is if I am actually experiencing sensory overload, even if I don't experience physical pain?

Sorry if this doesn't make sense! I hope you have a lovely day!

Hi there,

Many experience sensory overload, which affects people in various ways. It doesn’t always have to involve physical pain/symptoms, though they do/can happen.

I found an article from Medical News Today that talks more about sensory overload:

What sensory overload feels like can vary from one person to another. Some people may be more sensitive to sound, for example, while others may have issues with different textures.

Common symptoms include:

inability to ignore loud sounds, strong smells, or other types of sensory input

a sense of discomfort

anxiety and fear

extreme sensitivity to clothing or other textures

feeling overwhelmed or agitated

irritability

loss of focus

restlessness

stress

insomnia

I’ll leave the full article below so you can check it out if you’d like.

I hope this helps answer your question. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ❤️

#inbox #inbox reply #inbox is open

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eldritch-spouse · 1 year

Note

GOD PINNIE, I love you so much, never stop being so stunning and sexy.

I'm too consumed by your weirdo posse to function, I keep not sleeping for work to write this, this, just the most pretentiously indulgent fic thing with my stripper sona, and Santi ywy There's just so much to work with, I mean, there's so many ways to be creative with smut with an incubus, and I am exploiting as many as I can

Aside from smut the emotional turmoil is So There, that's what I love about yanderes the most honestly, just drama queens all around, not all drama queens are yanderes but all yanderes ARE drama queens. and I am too B3

Cause I'm a sucker for the 'i just care about you so much i'm doing this cause i love you' scam. You ever heard of the frog in a boiling pot thing? Put a frog in boiling water and it'll jump out, put it in lukewarm water and slowly turn the heat up and it'll sit there till it dies. Dunno if this is how frogs actually are but like....

Santi's so charismatic, and hot, and the tits man, oufhfh, not to mention how attention starved I am, the affection has me hooked, and now I am caught in the pot of lukewarm water. I mean, yeah the mark is upsetting but it's to protect me, it connects us and it's only out of love, it's not like he'd really use it to control me or anything right?

Moving in together is just a thing couples do, it's not like I'm locked up. But then, going on long trips with friends or just away for any extended period of time is always plagued with anxieties and a stress so physical it hurts, being away from him at all hurts. According to him though it's better to just stay home anyway, he just can't stand being apart.

Then the change into a concubus... I don't hate demons or find the idea of being one disgusting, but the pain of feeling your body change, really having to look the loss of your humanity in its face, it's so much, it's almost too much. Regret and dread wells up, I'm on the verge of just running away, I just want to leave-

But then he's there to hold me and wipe away my tears, and remind me that it's all because he loves me. All of my fears melt out of me like magic, leaving only a burning need for my endlessly devoted demon. And so I sit in the pot of boiling water.

I fucking love the idea of you regretting the transformation into a concubus. It's so angst-rich, oh I can smell it.

And it's not like you have a choice in the matter either, even if you were already very skeptical about it, Santi made it clear that the issue of a human lifespan would be resolved, you must become one of his kind. So you kind of live the rest of your days occasionally getting reminded of what you'll become one day, looking at the hands of time as they tick by, counting your days of humanity like grains of sand seeping through the cracks between your fingers.

But it's even more delicious if you were either ambivalent or looking forward to the transformation, which made Santi euphoric. Only to then end up regretting it the second it's over because maybe you became a little more monstrous than you'd anticipated, or you changed your mind about how ""fun"" the feeding method looked. It's an irreversible decision, and you're going to have to live with it for the rest of your much longer life now... Hah.

#Santi oc

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cheeriecherry · 2 years

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The Lonely [Chapter Six]

Pairing: Viktor x fem!Reader Warnings: none i think, some brief anxieties Fandom: Arcane Proofread: no lol

Summary: You’re old, you’re tired, you’re immortal, and life sucks. Until one day, a human guy breaks into your castle and becomes your house-mate.

Chapter six

For the second time since you met him mere weeks ago, you once again find yourself sitting at the side of your bed, watching over Viktor while he sleeps. Only this time, much to your own stress, he’s not sleeping.

The week prior, when you had finally agreed to turn your friend, he had wanted you to bite him right then and there in the bath.

A truly terrible idea, you’d advised him, explaining that the pain of the venom saturating his blood would either make him convulse and scream, or it would render him unconscious. Neither were good outcomes to experience while submerged in several feet of water, so -at your urging- Viktor had agreed to wait a couple of days while you prepared.

He had initially wondered why you were gathering so many supplies -months’ worth, if he were to guess- and you had been quick to answer any of his questions.

“Turning you physically should only take twelve to seventy two hours. But mentally, it takes a lot longer.” You pull a sheet of paper out of a notebook, and start writing down a list of things to gather from the nearest town. “You’re going to be cranky as hell when you wake up, Vik, or at least emotional. Everything is…suddenly very intense, when you’re first reborn; you can hear everything, smell everything, see everything. It’s beautiful, and amazing, and entirely overwhelming.”

Viktor leans over your shoulder to get a peek at the list you’re writing. “Teething rings?” he wonders skeptically.

“Leather ones,” you confirm. “They’re sturdy enough to withstand a teething vampire, and trust me, you’re going to want something to bite on for the first couple weeks.”

“I’m- teething?! You’re saying it like you expect me to be-” he makes a vague noise of complaint, and gestures wildly until you get his point.

“Like a bit of a teenager, and a toddler, combined?” you suggest, and Viktor pouts ever so slightly.

“I may be new to being a vampire, Y/N,” he says sternly, “but I doubt I will be so unbearable. I won’t need a teething ring.”

You sigh deeply, and finish scrawling out your list.

“Despite your assurances that you will behave rationally, Viktor, which one of us has the experience of being a vampire?” When he doesn’t reply, you continue, “There is the possibility that you’ll be able to control yourself, however the chance is small, and I would rather not risk getting bitten by you. The venom injected into your body will change itself to suit you, so once you’re a vampire, if you bite me, it’ll be hell.”

He raises a curious brow, and jokingly asks you if intermingling venom would cause some kind of allergic reaction: and his demeanor softens when you fix him with a tired expression and a quiet ‘yes, Viktor, it would’.

He still regards the teething rings with dissonance, but he lets you keep them on the list.

—

The rest of the days leading up to the event are antsy and apprehensive, leaving you emotionally drained as you now wait impatiently by Viktor’s bedside. You’d bitten him nearly twelve hours ago now, the minimum amount of time it takes for a human to turn, and you wished you had prepared yourself more for the anxiety that would come with waiting.

Viktor, too, had grown nervous in the moments leading up to your bite. Asked questions he’d already asked, fidgeted constantly with the edges of his sleeves…

You’d taken his face so gently in your hands, smoothing the pads of your thumbs over his cheekbones, and letting the coolness of your flesh soothe him. You’d sworn to him that the pain would only last for what felt like minutes, that his sense of time would be severely warped even though he would remain conscious throughout the process: that he would likely forget the moments before and after being bitten.

His eyes had remained wide and nervous, and you -in one last ditch effort to calm him down, and perhaps ease your own worries- had kissed him. The barest touch of lips, gentle and soft; a promise.

“It’ll be okay,” you’d told him, and before he could get a single word out, you’d leaned down and sunk your teeth into his neck.

His first pained cry had broken your heart, nearly enough to make you pull away from him and apologize, but his firm grip on your arms was enough to ground you and keep you in place; until his body went limp in your arms and you were certain he had enough of your poison in his system. You had gently laid him back in your bed and pressed another kiss to his forehead, then reclined to your chaise to wait.

And wait you did. For hours, you’d been sitting, waiting, listening to and watching the little tells of his body. You could hear the venom searing his veins earlier, hear his blood screaming as it was consumed, hear the confused beat of his heart as it grew slower and slower.

At this point, you suspected that his body was beginning to heal itself from the inside out. No longer did he subconsciously fight the change; the dark circles under his eyes had mostly disappeared, and despite his pale complexion, he looked warmer and softer than you’d ever seen in the weeks you’d known him. Even the rasp in his lungs was mostly cleared up.

He looked less and less sick, and more like…himself.

You stay by his side throughout the entire process, as you’d promised. You talk to him a little bit, read him chapters from the novel series you’re currently interested in. You brush the hair out of his face whenever it falls, and stroke his cheek when he makes the odd distressed whine.

For three days, you continue like that. Past the typical length to create a vampire. You knew you’d given enough venom, otherwise he would have woken and died by now, but it doesn’t stop the chill of anxiety from creeping in. You know that the time period in the books you’ve read is mostly a suggestion, but…

You shake your head, and snap your book shut. You were growing antsy. Even when you were alone, you never spent so much time in one single place for so long, always flitting back and forth between your room and the kitchen and the garden.

You stand and wander over to the bookshelf in the corner, about to pick another novel to skim through, when the room suddenly goes quiet.

Eerily quiet, you realize. You can hear the din outside the castle, muffled by the great stone walls, but the inside of your room is…silent.

Panicked, you realize that Viktor’s heart has stopped beating, and that breath no longer fills his lungs, and you rush to his side. You check for a pulse on his neck first -check for any signs of life, really- even though you know you won’t find one.

For several moments, you’re terrified, and you can’t stop the tears from welling up in your eyes. The books hadn’t said anything about this, and you feel stupid to have thought otherwise. Of course his heart would have to stop at some point; you didn’t have a pulse, so why would he?

But the thought doesn’t bring you any comfort, and you find yourself laying down beside him to tuck up against his side and rest your head on his chest. The lack of heartbeat, plus the stillness and coolness of his body, has you quietly sobbing into his shirt.

—

You lay there for hours, with wide eyes staring off into the void, with each second becoming more and more despairing. Viktor continues at your side unmoving, and cold. You’re beginning to lose hope of him ever waking up, with how long the change is taking, and you haven’t been able to see any more signs of his body repairing.

And then, a hand settles on your head.

You’re sitting up in a fraction of a second, staring at your friend intensely. “Viktor?” you ask, barely a whisper, and slowly, slowly, his eyes crack open and focus on you, and he gives you a weak smile.

You can’t help the tears that fall from your eyes as you laugh, and you plop back down on his chest to bury your face in his shirt.

“I thought I killed you!” you bemoan, as he wraps his arms around you. “Your heart stopped beating, but you didn’t wake up, and-hH!” Your words are choked off when his arms tighten around you to hold you closer, and you breathlessly squeak out his name.

“Vik, you’ve gotta remember that we’ve got the same strength now…” you wheeze, and his grip on you loosens immediately. He quickly apologizes, flustered, and you pull him to sit up with you.

“How do you feel?” you ask.

Viktor takes a moment to assess himself, puzzling over the aspects of his body that would usually be aching or complaining; sore muscles, failing bones. He looks at you with an expression of pure surprise. “I feel…good.”

You nod. “No lingering pains? No pinching, or sharp burning sensations?”

He shakes his head, reiterating his previous statement, and you finally let yourself sag in relief.

“Good,” you sigh, “because you’ve been out for more than three days. Your heart stopped a couple hours ago, and,” you watch as he lays his hand flat on his chest and waits to feel anything, trailing off. You quickly reach forward and link your fingers with those on his other hand, and offer him a sad smile.

“You’ll get used to not having a pulse,” you assure him. “It’ll feel weird while your psyche adjusts to the change, but you will get used to it. The same with not needing to breathe to survive, though you will need it in order to speak…” you pause, “and if I’m being honest, food tastes better when you can smell it.”

You go about doting on him; fixing his mussed hair, and straightening his shirt. Even fetching a teething ring when he starts to rub at his jaw.

“I don’t need-” he begins, and you cut him off.

“Dull pressure, around the hinge of the mandible and in the front teeth?”

He fixes you with a nonthreatening glare, and takes the ring from you. If only to humour you and prove you wrong, he sinks his teeth into it with a satisfying pop. All at once, his pupils dilate, and you can barely hide your glee as he begins chomping on the tool in earnest, letting his newfound fangs pop through the leather again and again.

He seems to regain some of his wits after a couple of seconds, and all but rips the object out of his mouth in embarrassment.

“I…must apologise,” he croaks, “that was likely an unbecoming sight- are you laughing at me?”

And laughing you are, melodic and joyful, and you give Viktor’s hair a tussle.

“Oh, if only you’d seen me when my fangs first came in,” your tone is full of mirth, “I didn’t have any teething rings, so I ended up chewing on the bedposts.”

“Is that what all these markings are?”

Both of you share a bewildered expression for a couple seconds, before bursting out into even more laughter. This time, taking several minutes to calm down and get every giggle out.

Once you do, you ride from the bed and offer Viktor your hand, as well as his cane. He regards it with confusion, and swings his legs over the edge of the bed.

“Do I still need that?” he wonders, and you shrug.

“The venom would have healed any illnesses exasperating your condition,” you explain, “but you said that you’ve had a hitch in your leg for your entire life. Turning doesn’t usually change things like that.”

Several emotions pass through his eyes within a second, and his face eventually falls into something akin to crestfallen.

Gently, you cup both sides of his jaw, and tilt his head upwards to look at you. “Now, what’s this sad face for?” you ask, and he strategically avoids your gaze.

“Viktor,” you say, a little more sternly, and he finally sighs.

“To be turned is…a cure for everything,” he grumbles, “So why would this not be fixed too?”

Your stroke his cheeks with your thumbs, much as you had in the moments leading up to your bite. “Listen to me, Viktor,” you say, “I know your leg causes problems for you; pain, and frustration, among other things. But that doesn’t mean you’re broken, or that you need to be fixed.”

His eyes become glossy, though the tears welling up within do not fall.

“I’m serious, Viktor. You’re not worth less as a person just because you struggle. We can find ways to help you manage the pain; we’re alchemists, and we have an entire library of ancient recipes under our belts. We’ll learn, we can modify anything, and we can test things out and make them work for you. Okay?”

He stares into your eyes with an intensity you’ve never quite seen before, something curious and searching, and just as equally confused.

“Why are you so eager to help me?” he asks, taking you off guard.

“We’re friends, Vik. Why wouldn’t I want to help you?”

He narrows his eyes. “You kissed me.”

You freeze.

He continues, “Right before you bit me, you kissed me. Was that- were you trying to distract me from the oncoming pain, or-”

“No!” you cut him off. “No, I wouldn’t- not as a distraction, I…hH…”

You whine in embarrassment.

“I don’t know. I just wanted to.”

You plop back down on the bed beside him, and hide your face in your hands. “I just wanted to know what it would be like. You were supposed to forget, if I’m being honest. It’s weird that you still have your memories; they should at least be foggy.”

Viktor surprises you by reaching out to take one of your hands. His touch is gentle, and he’s obviously using a lot of caution to refrain from accidentally hurting you. Even more surprising, he brings your knuckles to his lips and presses a soft kiss into your skin.

“Rest assured,” he tells you, “most of them are. I couldn’t tell you what the last thing I ate was. But I remember the feeling of your lips.”

You’re growing increasingly flustered by his actions, though you can’t bring yourself to pull away. “Viktor,” you mumble, “you know you don’t owe me anything, right?”

He freezes, and you continue, “I mean, I kissed you because I wanted to, but you don’t have to reciprocate my advances just because I turned you-”

“Is that what you think I’m doing?”

His tone is sharp, almost a hiss. You look back at him, and his expression is indignantly furious. His fingers tighten around your hand -though not to the point of pain- and his lips trail from your knuckles down to the exposed curve of your wrist. “I have been inexplicably drawn to you from the moment we met, and it’s infuriating. Never have my thoughts been so completely and entirely addled by another person!”

“Viktor-”

You want to say more, but his gaze suddenly grows cloudy, and he slouches forward to rest his head in the crook of your shoulder. You smile knowingly, and he groans, “I do not feel particularly well..”

You slowly stroke his hair, doing your best to soothe him. “Does your skin feel too tight, or does it feel like you’ve swallowed sand?”

He thinks for a moment before replying, “the latter. How did you…?”

You give him another pat, and stand once again from the bed. “I told you sweetheart, that you were going to be thirsty, and moody, and bitey.”

Viktor grumbles again, and you hide a laugh behind your hand.

“Come on. I’ve got blood stored in the fridge downstairs.”

#viktor x reader #arcane x reader #viktor arcane x reader #vampire!reader #viktor x vampire!reader #introducing: vampire!viktor #hell yeah #The Lonely

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alostlittleriverlotus · 24 days

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so like. I'm getting an inhaler for the time until I can see a professional about my breathing difficulties and possible asthma. And legitimately almost didn't get it despite having it be so bad I can barely even handle things (probable POTS doesn't help and neither does allergies with a deviated septum) cause my mom didn't want to get it in case of side effects cause when she had tried an inhaler years ago, it hyped her up and stuff. And she says she's sensitive to medicines and was worried about side effects if i use it.

1: I'm someone that seldom experiences side effects with most medicines. The biggest one was with an allergy medicine causing me stomach pain and another causing me leg cramps if I took it too frequently.

2: I. AM. NOT. YOU. I am so sick of my mom trying to keep me from stuff that could genuinely be a help cause she's worried about it. Stop it. Just stop it!!! She didn't get me any sleep aids despite my sleep problems yet using some melatonin on really bad nights has actually helped me sleep cause my friend got so worried she bought some for me and I haven't actually needed one in a while. And she didn't want me to go on anxiety meds cause she was worried and she got rid of my Xanax since I "wasn't using it anyway" cause she was worried about it since it's addictive (I asked her if she thought any of us would start using it often or worried about us being addicted and she said no.) And I legitimately had many moments over the past two years where ichave felt i needed one.

Luckily my anxiety meds are handled, I have xanax just in case, and I've got everything I need. But I am sick of my mom controlling my fucking medicine and other shit because of HER WORRIES. When I'm literally given a choice or it's prescribed by doctors. Like stfu. Stfu!!!

And the fact my mom treats me like another one of her. My issues with my brothers got downplayed and she expected it to play out like hers. She ignored my autistic traits because she saw it as "just needing to change cause that's how the world works" like she did. She ignores how high needs I am because she thinks I just have "mild" autism and am "barely on the spectrum if I am on it at all."

Stop it. Shut up. I'm fucking reliant on her cause I'm terrified of doing things on my own and lose speech a lot and can't remember things easily. And she pays for stuff. So I have to have her there, but I'm sick of her acting like she gets the final say on MY medical stuff. I've had breathing difficulties worsen the past 5 years, worsen since I was a kid actually. Like. Let me have the inhaler until we can get in with a specialist and know for sure, let me see if the inhaler even fucking helps since legitimately doing small tasks leaves me gasping for air!!!

I am so sick of her dictating what my reality is, what my life is cause she thinks I'm just another version of her. And whenever I exist outside of this mini version of her, she shuts down and doesn't understand. She thinks I can control my emotional issues cause she did it and so I'm not trying hard enough when I have fucking episodes cause of the fucking stress and neglect I still fucking face as an adult!!!

And even then. Even in tbe appointment. She wanted me to get better and ease my pain so I could actually do stuff. Not in the like...regain my favorite hobbies. No. She means be independent. She still thinks fixing my physical pain is gonna do that. No. I can never be truly independent. I probably won't get a pure fix for my pain either. She still wants me to be functional and independent and acts like because I can't be, it's some terrible thing and it's so fucking condescending and insulting.

I am deeply traumatized, I have somewhere between medium to high support needs, I am a fucking polyfrag system, I have chronic pain and fatigue, I struggle to socialize cause of disorders and energy levels. Shut. The. Actual. Fuck. Up. My goal is NOT to be independent or functional or able to give to society. My goal is simply to lessen my pain and be fucking happy and get everything I was fucking denied as a child cause I was told to just fucking try harder. I will never be independent or functional even if my physical issues were all magically fixed. Cause i am still someone deeply traumatized with the type of trauma most people can't even fucking conceive of. And I am fucking fine with that. I am also someone that cannot be fully independent cause of shut down, mute episodes/speech loss periods, struggling with simple tasks, and more. And I am fine with that. My darling safe person is too. Stop expecting my end goal to be that I can be an independent abled functional person. Because I will never be that.

I simply just want to live and be happy and not be in constant pain or at least be able to manage my fucking pain. To have mobility aids and be patient with myself and to not push myself past limits. I just want to have fucking support and help with my disabilities. Shut the actual fuck up. I hate my fucking mother.

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laurensliminalspace · 7 months

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Building confidence with chronic illness and disability

What does it look like to be empowered and confident with a disability or chronic illness?

I’ve been pondering this lately as I find it’s easy to get into the mindset that when my health improves or if I fully recover, then I’ll finally feel confident, badass and empowered. And yes, that’s partly true. Having more energy and wellbeing definitely gives me a huge boost in my mood and sense of self efficacy. I also think it’s great to work on improving our health as much as possible.

However, what do we do in the mean time? What would it look like to be the best version of myself, right here with my current circumstances? I've been pondering this question recently, and wanted to explore it further.

Unfortunately, many of us get trapped in a downward spiral that feels out of our control. Feeling unwell saps our self esteem, and having to stop jobs, reduce social activities or limit hobbies can be very depressing. It’s a vicious circle that can be tough to escape. Financial and health struggles can create so much anxiety and stress, it can feel crippling not just physically, but mentally, too. It can feel shameful and embarrassing, and often we just want to hide and protect ourselves.

There can also be a lot of self-consciousness about our physical bodies and appearance. For example, many medications can make people put on weight, fatigue can cause dark circles under the eyes, and allergies can make people’s faces look puffy. Surgeries can also leave people with scars and it’s normal to wonder if people will find you attractive, especially in the dating scene.

However, the great thing about working on our health and confidence is that it can also be an upward spiral. Confidence can help motivate and empower us to improve our health and life situation, and in turn the increase in energy and health can boost our confidence. I’ve found that even improving my health by 5% or 10% can make a surprisingly dramatic difference in my overall quality of life. Every little bit counts!

Here is my advice, based on my life experience - in no particular order:

One: Escape the comparison trap.

Stop comparing to others, especially other able bodied people. Even comparing to others with the same condition can be highly problematic, as people have wildly varying symptoms, different levels of severity, as well as different levels of support and financial resources. Many people with the same outward symptoms also have a completely different root cause (or combination of root causes). Not to mention the treatments that work for some may not work for others at all. Some people find a silver bullet solution, but for most people, it’s more complex than just one thing.

Focus on yourself and stay in your lane. Concentrate on your personal achievements and look at how far you’ve come. Being able to walk for five minutes may mean nothing to the average person, but it may be a huge milestone for you. Don’t forget to celebrate your wins! Even the small ones. Also embrace the reality that the journey is going to be up and down. You’re going to have good days and bad days. Don’t let that discourage you from continuing.

Two: Self compassion and self acceptance.

Work on talking to yourself with more love, compassion and acceptance. Acceptance is really important because we need to come to terms with our reality, which is often incredibly frustrating and painful. This often involves a great deal of grief too. It’s okay to feel all the emotions, and hold space for them. I find journalling, therapy and EFT tapping really helpful in this process. I also really like parts work, and the concept of unblending, as it helps me gain perspective on difficult emotions and parts.

Know that it’s okay to feel the sadness and anger. It’s also okay to feel envious and jealous of people who are able bodied and have easier lives. It’s normal. Don’t add insult to injury by beating yourself up over totally normal emotions!! Society encourages us to repress and deny our shadow, but we need safe spaces to talk about the tough stuff.

Being disabled and chronically ill comes with a huge amount of stigma, and often trauma, too. Get the treatment you need for any trauma that’s holding you back and sapping your spirit. I recommend EMDR and somatic therapy, but there’s lots of other modalities out there too.

Three: Own it fully.

This is easier said than done, but when you’re disabled or chronically ill, it’s better to own it and speak about it as confidently as possible. I find this is especially relevant in social or dating situations. I try to be honest, open and frank about my lifestyle and limitations, rather than hiding it or pretending I don’t have any conditions. This is sometimes a tough line to walk as you don’t want to overshare or freak people out, but in general I prefer to be up front with people.

This also includes freely using mobility aids in public settings, social situations or going on dates. I’ve become very comfortable using a mobility scooter to get around, and often take a walking stick with me too. It takes time to get used to this, but the more you do it, the less self-conscious you’ll feel. Some people find it helps to decorate their mobility aids or get a walking stick that looks funky. Canes can be incorporated into a steampunk, dark academia or dapper aesthetic in a fun way! Find a way to own it and make it your own, in a way that suits your personality and style.

Another area that can be challenging is dealing with dietary limitations. Strict diets and allergies can be tricky, but again, it’s better just to own it. I don’t eat at restaurants, but I still go to restaurants and cafes with friends and enjoy hanging out. Yes, it’s a little awkward sometimes, but you have to push through it. The right people won’t care, and will value your presence more than anything else.

Four: Seek supportive connections, friends and community, whether online or off.

Find friends, groups and events that are supportive, uplifting and accessible. Don’t hang around people who judge you or drag you down. Even people who constantly insist on giving annoying unsolicited advice (like "just drink more water!") can drain your precious spoons.

I know this is so much easier said than done, because being disabled or chronically ill can bring with it a great deal of isolation. It’s natural to just hang on to whatever connections you have, and not want to let go or burn a bridge. So be kind to yourself if there’s some people you’re just not ready to let go of right now. But keep looking for better friends who are going to life you up and who fully accept and celebrate you as you are.

Never, ever assume you have to tolerate any abuse or mistreatment because you’re disabled or chronically ill. You are not a burden and never deserve to be treated badly.

The same goes for dates and partners. Don’t settle for people who are toxic, judgemental or just tolerate you – rather than fully accepting and loving you right now, for who you are. Also, find people who respect and cherish you as a person, not for what you can do for them or what you achieve. People who are very focused on things like class, money and status are usually best avoided where possible.

Five: Cultivate a sense of purpose in your life that’s bigger than you.

I find when I’m focused on my purpose and calling, it’s easier to be confident because I’m not so focused on what other people think of me. I recognise that I have a calling that’s a lot more important than that! Obviously, this is easier said than done, especially if you can no longer work – or have had to change jobs, or reduce your work hours. Even volunteering can be surprisingly difficult when you have health limitations.

But purpose, meaning and calling in life are much greater than what we do for money, or even our hobbies. Relationships are a core source of meaning and purpose for many people. Being creative and growing spiritually are also significant. I’ve written more about this in other blog posts, but I find this is a significant piece of building a sense of empowerment in difficult circumstances. Reflecting on your core values can be really powerful and inspiring.

I’d recommend doing an exercise where you select words or phrases that represent your core values in life.

Six: Don’t be afraid to have fun, explore and try new things, as much as you can!

I find singing and dancing at home to positive, empowering songs can really boost my mood and confidence. It can be hard to be as spontaneous and active as I would like, but I still try my best to engage in life to the fullest extent of my capabilities. Sometimes this means asking for help or using mobility aids to get to certain events. It can also mean more planning ahead when travelling.

I really love riding my escooter, as it gives me an adrenaline rush but isn’t too tiring. Think outside the box and be open to new experiences. Brene Brown talks about engaging in laughter, song and dance in her guidelines for wholehearted living, and I think it’s applicable here. Watching hilarious movies and having a laugh with friends can be so uplifting.

Finally, don’t discount celebrating your sexuality. Disabled people are often portrayed as non-sexual, but exploring dating and sex can be a lot of fun and very empowering.

Practical suggestions:

Explore journalling about – what does it mean to live my best and fullest life with my current limitations? What does being empowered and confident look like for me right now? Brainstorm whatever comes to mind.

If you’re feeling rejected or unworthy, put your hand on your heart or your belly, and send love to the parts of you that are holding these emotions. I find self compassion practice can be really powerful.

EFT tapping is a great tool for working through negative core beliefs, like “I’m a burden” or “I’m not enough”.

If people give you a compliment, take a screenshot or write it down and save it into a folder on your computer for whenever you feel down and need a pick me up.

Try writing down your strengths, good qualities and things you like about yourself.

Create a celebration jar where you write down anything you’re proud of or qualities your love about yourself on little bits of paper. Put them in the jar and you can open it whenever you need a reminder. Another option is putting a marble or stone in a jar whenever you do something you’re proud of.

Experiment with visualising yourself as your most confident, empowered self. You could go back to a past memory where you were feeling your best, or imagine yourself in the future. I find doing this while listening to music can be really uplifting.

Use positive affirmations, for example: My worth and value is based on who I am, not on my achievements. I am confident. I am powerful. I deserve to be treated well. If it feels a bit fake or forced, you could try asking yourself, “What if I felt confident?” and see what arises.

Further links and resources:

Chronic Illness and Confidence: How to Rebuild

Facing the World with Confidence and Chronic Illness

How to be Confident While Being Chronically Ill

#chronic illness #disabled #me #cfs #mecfs #spoonie #disability #illness #mental health #confidence #mindset #fibromyalgia #mcas #empower #empowering #empowerment

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suboobia · 30 days

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i realize the last four or five years have been an absolute nightmare for everyone in regards of global events, conflicts and general life. but my personal life for about a year now has felt like i am trapped in this nightmare bubble, and am not too sure how i am able to get out of that lately. i say lately because i think it's catching up to my family in the sense a lot of depression and sadness looms over us. it sucks so much. it hurts. i have the weight of the world and life sitting right on my shoulders, and it's affecting me both mentally and physically. it's been causing me sudden medical issues, and they're a little bit scary. which, obviously, leads me further down the road of stress and anxiety and i'm not sure where the end of the tunnel is right now.. this all sounds vague and scary. because it is. i don't know who i am right now or what is going on in, i just know it's been a painful time for me. for everyone around me. it's hard watching my family go through things, being a deeply empathetic person who takes everything to heard, really takes a toll on a person.

i have doctors appointments soon, and while i'm ready to get to the bottom of this sudden onslaught of medical issues, i also don't wanna know at all either. especially considering the last year has involved nothing but a lot of medical nightmares with my step dad. he's very sick right now with stage iv lung cancer, has been on treatments for months now, and we aren't sure if there's ever going to be an end to that either. as you can see, this is why life has taken an absolute toll on me and stirred up some issues within myself. because of course it did. life has a weird way of doing that... once one domino falls, the rest of the pieces keep falling with it. things always spiral all at once. i know it's apart of life, apart of being human, we go through things, but we get back up on the other side. but i'm honestly terrified. i wish the universe would stop the dominoes from toppling down endlessly.

perhaps i could just not be vague about what's happening to me. it all started about a week ago, i started my period, and then things kind of spiraled out of control from there i guess. maybe not because of my period, but i have persistent diarrhea and unable to pass a lot of gas, having bowel issues. passing mucus (maybe?) and stomach aches. not feeling well. low appetite. etc. i have fallen into so many rabbit holes at this point, and i am so fucking scared it's something scary. i have barely slept. just feel like crying. in fact, i've been crying a lot, feeling extra sensitive about everything and stressed as hell. i just am at a loss. i know some other family members have felt the same way, too, and it makes me feel even worse because like i said i have a lot of empathy.

i won't know anything until my appointment next friday, so guess i'll just be sitting here spiraling into endless pits of dispair.

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sweetescapeartist · 1 year

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An Update

So for those who are somewhat interested. Here's and update about myself and my projects.

Concerning myself...

I'm still very much tired mentally & physically. As I've said, I work multiple jobs & on top of that I have daily migraines (but I wear shades everyday to lessen the pain and symptoms). And I mentioned I'm sort of a handy man around my town mainly for family members. And I do work with my father to help him out as well as work on my own build projects for myself. So I'm pretty busy. Then I have to organize certain things despite migraines messing with my memory. Healthwise, I'm okay but still have trouble sleeping and I try to eat more often since I often forget to eat or just ain't hungry. So I get a bit overwhelmed and stressed and end up ignoring ppl & isolating myself. I still have anxiety and social anxiety too but that's getting better little by litte. I'm learning to properly deal with the stresses and mental triggers. I'm mostly a chill dude so I don't let much bother me anymore like when I was younger.

Regarding my projects...

I have a list of things to do. I have them scheduled, but due to being busy with work so often, I dont alwats meet the deadlines I have planned. Last year didn't go so well and this year hasn't started too well either. But here are some things I have scheduled...

Info posts for tumblr

Anime vs Manga: Vegeta Learns Ki Control

Vegeta's Gravity Training Obsession & Flawed Training Habits

Full Power Forms

Jaingshi Roshi

Different Way Potential Has Been Awakened In Dragon Ball

A post responding about a complaint someone had about Tien from last year (talk about late...)

Gammas & Cell

Android 18's Power in DBS (+ a bit about 17)

A few more posts about Krillin's Non-Self State that makes comparisons & explains certain details

What Toriyama's notes for Toyotaro's Moro & Granolah arcs probably were (an interesting post based off of context clued & is highly possible to be true. Will probably be later this year because there is a lot to gather for that post)

Comics I want to complete this year if possible

Kriller Time! Super Hero Side-Story Part 2: Videl

18 x Kurilin (a mini comic that'll have 4 alts)

Kriller Time! Super Hero Side-Story Part 3: Bulma

Kriller Time! #2: Fan-geta (NOT a side-story comic)

18 Steals Krillin Away

Roshi Mini Comic (should be interesting & informative due to it going to have information many may have overlooked)

Black Water Mist (a Krillin story I've wanted to finish for a while)

Kriller Time! #3 (might be Roshi or Oolong)

Yamcha's Bloomer (for my fellow Yamcha fans)

Content for my DB Databook (will be worked on throughout the years)

Just art stuff I want to get done

Some art for friends and requests I havent gotten to (won't be taking anymore requests for a while after I finish these so I can focus on lther projects) (some sketches are done)

Piccolo x Janet drawing I wanted to make last July (sketch is done)

Krillin Harem drawing since I got 3k followers on Twitter (might have 4k followers by then but I doubt it) (sketches are done)

Krillin x DB gals art (sketches are done)

Unfinished art for last years Chestnut Fest (almost complete)

Dragon Ball x Berserk (Yamcha art)

So, that's what I have planned. If I worked less, I could definitely get all of this done. I'll do my best regardless. And I've been debating if I should create my own website or just start a Patreon. I may begin with Patreon then make my own website later so I don't overwork myself. The thing about Patreon tho is that I want to give consistent content of what I believe is good quality. I need to make a profit from my art so I can be more motivated to continue and be more consistent, ya know?

So thats the plan. I didn't even mention the fics submitted to me nor the ones I've written. A lot are actually near ready to post but my anxiety is bugging me. Probably cause I'm overloading myself with too much. But we'll see how things go. I expect to get at least half of my art projects done this year & all of my tumblr posts this year. If I can get more than half of my art projects, I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Also, my MEGA folder. It was supposed ro be done last year but some serious stuff happened & I had to get my mind right. Then, things got stressful for me in Jan, Feb, & Mar. I was supposed to post a comic in February, but didn't work on it cause of the stress. So, I'll squeeze in time ro finish my MEGA folder too. It has updated and corrected comics in there of these two specifically.

#update

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witchthewriter · 2 years

Photo

𝐁𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐘𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐞 𝐓𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐬/𝐨 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞

⤷ gender neutral, ambiguous race, and any size reader. Requests are open, thank you for reading!

ᴹᵃˢᵗᵉʳˡᶤˢᵗ

🌿INFJ 🍁Ravenclaw 📜Neutral Good 🔮Scorpio Sun, Taurus Moon, Pisces Rising

SFW🌿

⭑ In a way, Yrene is also a witch.

⭑ See, history likes to forget the part that witches knew all about the supernatural yes, but also how to heal someone. Which herbs and salves would heal wounds, and what could make a person sleep better at night.

⭑ This is what Yrene does; help people.

⭑ And that is what witches did.

⭑ Until the patriarchy twisted the narrative and took the knowledge of the witch and made it their own.

⭑ Yrene was surprised when you told her you were a witch. She too held reservations that were imparted by the patriarchy. (Even if she didn’t know she was under their influence)

⭑ “I thought witches cursed people and caused ... well ... chaos?” Yrene’s hazel-brown eyes gazed upon you warily. This was the fourth time being in your company.

“Well ... we do,” you smiled mischievously at her, “but we also heal.”

⭑ And from that moment Yrene was intensely curious about your knowledge and wanted to learn everything she could from you.

⭑ “Just because I believe in magic, in the supernatural,” you started, mixing and crushing various herbs in a bowl. “Doesn’t mean science is not involved.”

⭑ Although a witch’s book of shadows and grimoire are very important and personal, you wanted to show Yrene.

⭑ And she was absolutely amazed by the information.

“This is wonderful y/n!”

⭑ Your information helped so many of her patients. With their ailments, their trouble sleeping, their anxiety, and their pain.

⭑ Yrene fell in love with you. It wasn’t difficult. But knowing that you cared for others; that you had a similar calling, made her love for you flow.

⭑ She is always the big spoon; she likes holding you in her arms, the smell of your hair in her face, her hands holding onto your own.

⭑ Her kisses are like little promises: I’ll be home soon, don’t worry about me, I love you.

⭑ Yrene can feel the difference in your home, as soon as she steps over the threshold. She feels much more content; safer. Being around you felt like the physical embodiment of sipping on a hot cup of tea.

⭑ Her worries seemingly melted away. Her troubles, far off and enemies far away.

⭑ Yrene loves playing with your fingertips while you’re trying to fight sleep in bed

⭑ You’ll write little notes for her and leave them in her bag. She finds them during her breaks and absolutely beams

⭑ One of her favourite things about you is that you take care of her. She constantly takes others into consideration - she wears herself thin trying to make sure other people feel better. But it means the absolute world that you care about her.

⭑ So, you run her baths while she sits on the bed, her hands sore from massaging ailments and lifting the elderly.

⭑ You brush her hair (when it’s wet obviously, she has curly hair-), and braid it for bed

⭑ You lay out her clothes for the next day when she forgets

⭑ For you, Yrene is someone you can always rely on. She’s never late, and never misses a date or important event. She always keeps her word.

⭑ You can put your trust in her and she will never let it go astray.

⭑ Your relationship is built on honesty, reliability and security. You never feel unsafe or uncomfortable. Because you know that the other will be honest with whatever troubles they have.

⭑ Yrene smells like lavender, mixed with chamomile and hibiscus

⭑ Oh and she has a frightening stare, which you are glad to never be at the opposing side of

⭑ You create protection amulets for her, which she gladly accepts

⭑ She is always in fight mode during stressful situations - always active and trying to remedy whatever is going on

⭑ You LOVE resting your head in her lap. Yrene will gently brush your hair out of your face, tracing your nose and eyebrows

⭑ On multiple occassions, she has fallen asleep on your shoulder

⭑ She loves that you listen while she rants as well

⭑ Relationship Tropes;

✧ Friends to Lovers

✧ Not Good At Flirting x Not Good Either But Likes Seeing The Red Tint On The Other’s Face

✧ Swore To Protect Each Other

NSFW🔞minors dni!

⭑ Yrene is a dom, she likes being in charge in the bedroom. But doesn’t mind being dominated from time to time.

⭑ She likes toys; any and all sorts - for both you and her

⭑ Nipple play is a big turn-on; she likes having contraptions clamped upon her nipples.

⭑ When she orgasms, Yrene makes these high-pitched whines and squeals. It’s actually really cute

⭑ Yrene likes it when you wear your biggest jewels/earrings/necklaces and nothing else, while she fucks you

⭑ She’s very good with her hands and fingers. Massaging your ass, your chest.

⭑ She’ll curl her fingers while they’re inside of you, and you’ll let out a breathy moan

⭑ After a night out, where you’ve been teasing her the whole time, she’ll practically push you inside the door, slam it shut and rip off your clothes

⭑ She loves giving you long, passionate kisses. One of her hands cupping your neck, the other pulling you closer to her. Your bodies pressed together.

⭑ Yrene’s favourite place to have sex is in bed; she isn’t one for risky sex. It just doesn’t excite her.

⭑ She is amazing at aftercare - you never have to leave the bed if you do not wish it. She will bring a basin over to you, with a warm washcloth.

#yrene towers #yrene #yrene x reader #yrene headcanons #yrene towers headcanon #yrene towers x reader #throne of glass #throne of glass x reader #throne of glass series #throne of glass headcanons #aelin ashryver galathynius #aesthetic #aesthetic moodboard #fae #aelin #aelin fireheart #aelin galathynius fancast

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flock-talk · 2 years

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Hi! Another dog related question i hope you don't mind. Do you follow only positive reinforcement or do you use some correction? Personally I feel like the only positive way didn't quite work for me. I dont know if I should correct my dog or continue with the positive reinforcement

By correction I mean when she pulls on a leash I tug on her leash to discourage her from pulling. But I'm concerned that I'm hurting her. But it did work. Idk I'm confused and where I live we don't have a professional modern dog trainer

I follow LIMA protocols, which means whenever I am approaching a behaviour modification with my animals I aim to do it in the Least Intrusive Minimally Aversive way possible. I have on occasion utilized negative punishment, removing something the animal wants to reduce the repetition of a behaviour, but it’s very far and few between and is always a last resort. Generally speaking when an animal is struggling with a behaviour there’s no reason to add an aversive to the situation. It’s my lack of communication that’s causing problems, it’s not the animal’s fault they don’t understand what I want.

Positive reinforcement works for every animal, that’s the nature of positive reinforcement. If it didn’t work that means that positive reinforcement (adding something the animal wants to increase repetition of a behaviour) wasn’t actually being applied, if the behaviour didn’t repeat, it wasn’t reinforced. Usually because of a mechanical error on the trainer’s end of things! It’s not quite as simple as just tossing a treat and getting the behaviour you want, if the animal has competing reinforcers, doesn’t find the “reinforcer” actually reinforcing, or a whole lot of other factors then a behaviour may not end up repeating the way you want it to!

It can be very tempting to fall to punishment-based methods, especially with so many videos online of seemingly instant quick fixes it can be hard to avoid them. Also noting the fact that punishments are reinforcing for the one applying the punishment. You pop the lead, the dog immediately stops the pulling, you feel relief and satisfaction, that’s reinforcing and that makes you want to keep doing it again and again despite the feelings of remorse you experience afterwards.

Unfortunately punishments have a wide array of fallouts: behavioural suppression, lashing out at the handler, redirected frustration, and the inevitable that every animal eventually gets used to it. You have to continuously increase the strength of the punisher in order to maintain the behaviour, you’ll start with a small leash pop and eventually have to start using high level shocks just to get the same aversive response you were getting before. It’s a very slippery slope, and a very dangerous one to take.

With regards to there not being trainers in your area, there’s a ton of positive reinforcement-based trainers that utilize zoom meetings which are just as effective as in-person sessions. The whole basis of what we do is to teach a pet parent how to train their pets, not to just train them ourselves, so doing online sessions end up being just as effective. I would look in to those so you can have someone properly evaluate your dog one-on-one and come up with a training plan that will work for you.

Do remember that every dog is different and pulls for different reasons. Understanding why your dog is pulling is going to be most important to actually getting results, no amount of ‘general’ advice is going to help if the function of the pulling behaviour isn’t understood. Dogs may pull out of fear, stress, anxiety and pain which may require medical intervention or they may pull because of excitement, wanting to reach a smell, previous reinforcement history, breed traits, etc. which is why I do highly recommend finding someone to do an online consult for you!

I’d also make a physical list of the things you want from a walk. Exactly what you’d want it to look like, specific things like: stay within x distance of me, slow down when they feel the leash tension, look at me more often, look at me when they see a dog, stay on my right, sniff things close by. Things the dog CAN do instead of what they CAN’T. This will help you figure out what to focus on and give you smaller manageable tasks to focus on.

In general here’s the main things I focus on when teaching loose leash walking.

Meet their Needs: when first working on loose leash walking it’s helpful to have their exercise and mental requirements met first. This can look like scatter feeding breakfast in the grass, a puzzle feeder, a sniff walk on a long line, making sure they go to the bathroom first. All those things can cause a dog to want to pull forwards even more which can make learning hard. Once they understand the behaviour you don’t have to worry about it as much but when they don’t know how walking slow can yield the same results it becomes a very difficult conflict for them.

Handler Focus: reward any time the dog looks at you. Start sitting in your home then progress to walking around the house, backyard, front yard, up and down the driveway then little bursts. If the dog isn’t able to offer any check-ins then evaluate why: is the environment too distracting, is the reinforcer not actually valuable to the dog, does the value of the reinforcer match how enticing the environment is. This helps you have more value when on walks so instead of them getting super absorbed by the environment and plowing onwards they’ll want to slow down and check in with you because you’ve now got a strong reinforcement history.

Reward proximity: reward the dog for being near you. Start without a leash first so you’re not accidentally using the line to move your dog or getting your hands mixed up. you can start with the treat luring your dog for a step or two and reward. Phase out the lure. Work up to more and more steps with the dog able to walk alongside you. Starting in your house, in the backyard, etc. Then add a 6ft leash, be sure to give them lots of slack so you’re not causing leash tension or holding them in place, repeat the same process with the leash on. If the dog is on your right hand side it’s beneficial to also treat with your right hand and hold the leash in your left, this helps prevent the dog from cutting across and tripping you to try to get the treat.

Reward sniffs: Give the dog a treat for sniffing things that are close to you. They can still drift ahead and sniff things in front but the smells that are close to the handler get a bonus treat to make them more valuable. I may just place the treat in front of the dogs nose on the ground instead of from my hand for this one. This helps make sniffs closer to you more valuable and reduce their desire to forge ahead for new smells.

Settling: hang out on the couch and reward your dog for any relaxing behaviours (sitting, laying down, popping a hip, laying their head down), then progress to working on achieving a settled headspace in the yard, the front yard, at parks, etc. It may also be helpful to put all their walking gear on then work on settling in the house so that extreme excitement leading up to going outside doesn't build up. Instead they can put on the gear and be more focused on a calm headspace which will be easier to train with! Often times dogs pull because they’re excited and don’t know how to regulate those feelings. Encouraging relaxed behaviours can help them learn how to do that.

Leash pressure: practice walking away from your dog, pausing when there’s tension on the line and call them. Repeat until the dog starts running towards you as soon as they feel the little bit of pressure (you’re not pulling the dog, there’s just a slight bit of tension). Practice inside first then progress to more distracting environments. This should help them understand to stop and come back to you when they’ve accidentally hit the end of the line instead of continuing to pull.

Other notes: Don’t use the leash to move your dog use your voice and lures to help guide them where you’d like them to go, keep the treat hand on the same side as your dog, if they drag you the environment is too much for them you may need to go back to less distracting environments, try not to let them drag you to a smell (sniffs are reinforcing and will be making pulling more desirable for them), while learning it may be beneficial to only walk them on a long line in a field and utilize other forms of enrichment to meet their needs (the more they repeat pulling behaviours the harder it will be to un-teach it). If they've reached a good sniff without pulling you there let them enjoy it for as long as they want (couple of reasons 1: sniffing is reinforcing so getting to sniff for a loose leash will start to reinforce itself, 2: if they're pulling because they want to sniff then dragging them off of it when they've done the right thing only confuses them more, 3: sniffing is a calming behaviour that will help lower their heart rate if they're pulling due to anxiety/ stress 4: it's just a naturally beneficial behaviour for dogs to explore their environments, it's actually more tiring than walking itself so if they're pulling due to excess energy sniffing will help), use a reinforcer that's valuable enough for the task you're asking (I usually start puppy training with fresh meats like sausage or hotdog for example, busy environments will need tastier treats until they understand the behaviours better).

There’s a lot of other methods and things you can do and like I said which ones work will depend on your dog. There’s pattern games, other engagement games, factors like leash length and treat placement that can all be extremely helpful. Hopefully some of these help, I do seriously recommend locating a trainer that can do an online consult for you, it'll save you a lot of time and energy than trial-and-erroring every method you find!

#not bird #dog training #gif

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honeyblve · 1 year

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i had a huge milestone happen yesterday in my health journey and i wanted to vent and document it for myself, kind of like a journal entry, because this is the end of a chapter and beginning of another for me. its kind of a selfish post that nobody else will probably care about but i think it will be nice to have to look back on. im not sure if adding trigger warnings to this post is needed but im going to add them just incase anyone takes the time to read this if you do read this i appreciate it sm.

tw: injury, mistreatment from doctors, mental health issues, su*cide

for the past year ive been dealing with a serious back injury that has wreaked havoc on my life. i had to quit my job and was basically bed ridden for months. its effected my mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing in such a horrible and traumatic way. i've seen numerous doctors and tried multiple types of possible solutions with no resolve in my pain, been rejected by a doctor for surgery due to my body type (dont even get me started on that bs. it was fully a him problem and not a me problem), and essentially lost all quality of life. at one point i was so exhausted and overstimulated from all the pain that i didnt see any point in living if the rest of my life was going to be consumed with an unimaginable and unbearable amount of pain. i spent many nights crying myself to sleep, feeling very isolated and alone, taking insane amounts of medicine for a small amount of relief, unable to rest due to pain, and missed out on some very important moments in my life and others around me lives as well. i graduated college earlier this year after 5 years of working full time, going to college full time, and dealing with health issues on top of it and was unable to walk across the stage and celebrate my hard work all because of this injury. i bottled up a lot of the stress and sadness i was experiencing because i didnt want to add another thing on to the list of problems to figure out for myself or my family. which in turn caused me to start having major issues with anxiety and depression. a year in my life that was meant for growth, transition, and finding my footing as a proper adult was completely overtaken. to say it was a hard year is such an understatement but truly the only way i can really put it.

yesterday, i saw a new specialist and was finally approved for surgery after being turned down by another specialist back in september ‘22. a surgery that takes 45 minutes and will almost instantly relieve any pain im experiencing. a surgery that i was told would usually be suggested 6 weeks into experiencing symptoms a year and two months after i started experiencing symptoms. for the first time i was shown my mri results that i had done 9 months ago and explained just how severe the injury in my back is. my jaw was on the floor at how horrible it was. i could finally understand what was happening inside my body. it helped my brain justify everything that ive been experiencing and proved to myself that i wasnt crazy. when i was asked if i wanted to move forward with the surgery it was the first time that i felt like i wasnt just being observed and passed along for someone else to make the decision for me. i finally felt like i was given the opportunity to speak for myself and make a decision for my own body. i wasnt seen based only on my outer appearance or a number on a scale. i was seen as a human being who is experiencing pain 24/7 for over 400 days and needed help. finally my advocacy for myself worked and a doctor is on my side. when he left the room i immediately started sobbing and felt like i could breathe for the first time in what felt like forever.

looking back i think in many ways this year was meant for internal growth. there were a lot of things i had to learn about myself and begin to change. either through therapy or by opening up to family and friends. so even though it was not necessarily growth in the literal world, i grew up a lot within myself. for some reason in all of my circumstances i always feel the need to learn something. maybe its just blind optimism. whatever it is though it helps me put one foot in front of the other. what i learned through all of this is valuing myself and knowing my self worth. i learned how to advocate for myself and not take no for an answer. i learned how strong i am in multiple areas of my life. but i also learned how to accept help and know that i cant do everything by myself. and that doesnt mean that i'm weak.

if anyone reads this i hope that you know its so important to learn to advocate for your wellbeing and dont allow anyone to mistreat you, use you, or demand that you meet their expectations before being treated as a human being. its okay to take a step back and take care of yourself. and when it comes to doctors and medicine, trust. your. body. it knows when something is wrong. doctors are just people and sometimes dont know wtf theyre talking about. they are not all-knowing deities. they dont live in your body. not agreeing with them is not against the law. it is okay to seek out care from someone else. and if you feel stuck with someone who is not listening to you or who doesnt see you as a human being, there are doctors out there that truly love what they do and want to help you. they dont see you as a statistic or a box to check off on a long list of things to do for the day. they truly want to see you thrive and be healthy. sometimes it just takes a little work to find them.

anyways this was much longer than i expected it to be. if you read this far down i am so grateful that you took some time to read this post. it means a lot. and if future me reads this, i hope i've continued to learn how to value myself in all circumstances and not take any of lifes bs.

#gracie’s ramblings #lifes a bitch #personal post #mental health #health #life update

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year

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Hi, this is Chantal again. I'm not sure if you got my first ask, I still have it saved if you need me to resend it, but if you got it already, this is just an update on how things are going (tw for alcohol, chronic health issues, and death).

So my situation has gotten way more difficult lately and it's all connected to family issues. I mentioned in my first ask that I had a relative near death, it was my uncle (husband of the aunt who copes by drinking). He passed away (making it the second death I've had in my family in only 3 months). And once again I had to go through an extremely emotionally draining and disturbing funeral.

Now my aunt moved in with us. She brought alcohol into the house and she's constantly making references to drinking, including making a joke where she said alcohol is the "over-the-counter version" of an anti-anxiety medication. And now my mom is set to have surgery later this month. She's been in a very bad mood lately because she and my aunt get into a lot of disagreements. If I'm getting along with my aunt while my mom is mad at my aunt, my mom takes it as us supposedly teaming up against her. But if I get my aunt upset while my mom is on good terms with her, then my aunt complains to my mom about me, and my mom gets angry at me for not being nicer to her (even if it's just something like me responding in a less cheerful way than usual thanks to being tired, stressed, or in pain).

Basically everything from the first ask is still the same (my schedule is even worse now with my aunt living with us since I feel like it's really disrupted things, I'm getting frequent pain episodes, experiencing physical flare-ups from the intense amounts of emotional/mental distress I'm going through, and still don't have a doctor). I'm still feeling a huge amount of guilt over how I let my mental health negatively impact my physical health. And it just feels like I'm constantly overwhelmed and don't know how to handle anything since no one around me copes in healthy ways either and I feel extremely alone and hopeless. I am sort of back to work but I'm constantly feeling distracted, less productive than usual, underconfident in my abilities, and I'm always panicked about messing up. I feel like this can't last forever but at the same time it really does feel like it's one awful thing after the next and I can just never get a break. And I don't know how I should deal with things because I just feel like a mess beyond hope and shit keeps happening.

Hi Chantal,

I'm so sorry to hear that things have gotten worse since you last wrote in. I'm so sorry for your most recent loss. It's understandable that the funeral was draining for you.

It sounds like the relationships between you, your mom, and your aunt are becoming complicated as well, and they seem to be unable to recognize that you tend to have a more neutral stance whereas they either see you as for or against them, which only creates more conflict between each other.

Please know that there's no need to feel guilty for your mental health impacting your physical health because sometimes you can't necessarily prevent that from happening. I think it may be helpful to focus less on how your mental health is impacting your physical health and more on what's impacting your mental health to create that chain effect, identifying a root cause (or several, because there are many things).

I think in times like this it can be hard to remain hopeful that the future will be calmer for you. If possible, you may want to look into some mindfulness exercises as well as some self care practices to at least temporarily help relieve the stress of everything that's been going on for you.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #chantal #tw death #tw substance abuse #tw abuse #tw emotional abuse

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cheeriecherrymain · 2 years

Text

The Lonely [Chapter Six]

Pairing: Viktor x fem!Reader Warnings: none i think, some brief anxieties Fandom: Arcane Proofread: no lol

Summary: You’re old, you’re tired, you’re immortal, and life sucks. Until one day, a human guy breaks into your castle and becomes your house-mate.

Chapter six

The week prior, when you had finally agreed to turn your friend, he had wanted you to bite him right then and there in the bath.

He had initially wondered why you were gathering so many supplies -months’ worth, if he were to guess- and you had been quick to answer any of his questions.

Viktor leans over your shoulder to get a peek at the list you’re writing. “Teething rings?” he wonders skeptically.

“Leather ones,” you confirm. “They’re sturdy enough to withstand a teething vampire, and trust me, you’re going to want something to bite on for the first couple weeks.”

“I’m- teething?! You’re saying it like you expect me to be-” he makes a vague noise of complaint, and gestures wildly until you get his point.

“Like a bit of a teenager, and a toddler, combined?” you suggest, and Viktor pouts ever so slightly.

“I may be new to being a vampire, Y/N,” he says sternly, “but I doubt I will be so unbearable. I won’t need a teething ring.”

You sigh deeply, and finish scrawling out your list.

He still regards the teething rings with dissonance, but he lets you keep them on the list.

—

Viktor, too, had grown nervous in the moments leading up to your bite. Asked questions he’d already asked, fidgeted constantly with the edges of his sleeves…

His eyes had remained wide and nervous, and you -in one last ditch effort to calm him down, and perhaps ease your own worries- had kissed him. The barest touch of lips, gentle and soft; a promise.

“It’ll be okay,” you’d told him, and before he could get a single word out, you’d leaned down and sunk your teeth into his neck.

He looked less and less sick, and more like…himself.

You stand and wander over to the bookshelf in the corner, about to pick another novel to skim through, when the room suddenly goes quiet.

Eerily quiet, you realize. You can hear the din outside the castle, muffled by the great stone walls, but the inside of your room is…silent.

—

And then, a hand settles on your head.

You can’t help the tears that fall from your eyes as you laugh, and you plop back down on his chest to bury your face in his shirt.

“How do you feel?” you ask.

You nod. “No lingering pains? No pinching, or sharp burning sensations?”

He shakes his head, reiterating his previous statement, and you finally let yourself sag in relief.

You go about doting on him; fixing his mussed hair, and straightening his shirt. Even fetching a teething ring when he starts to rub at his jaw.

“I don’t need-” he begins, and you cut him off.

“Dull pressure, around the hinge of the mandible and in the front teeth?”

He seems to regain some of his wits after a couple of seconds, and all but rips the object out of his mouth in embarrassment.

“I…must apologise,” he croaks, “that was likely an unbecoming sight- are you laughing at me?”

And laughing you are, melodic and joyful, and you give Viktor’s hair a tussle.

“Oh, if only you’d seen me when my fangs first came in,” your tone is full of mirth, “I didn’t have any teething rings, so I ended up chewing on the bedposts.”

“Is that what all these markings are?”

Both of you share a bewildered expression for a couple seconds, before bursting out into even more laughter. This time, taking several minutes to calm down and get every giggle out.

Once you do, you ride from the bed and offer Viktor your hand, as well as his cane. He regards it with confusion, and swings his legs over the edge of the bed.

“Do I still need that?” he wonders, and you shrug.

Several emotions pass through his eyes within a second, and his face eventually falls into something akin to crestfallen.

Gently, you cup both sides of his jaw, and tilt his head upwards to look at you. “Now, what’s this sad face for?” you ask, and he strategically avoids your gaze.

“Viktor,” you say, a little more sternly, and he finally sighs.

“To be turned is…a cure for everything,” he grumbles, “So why would this not be fixed too?”

His eyes become glossy, though the tears welling up within do not fall.

He stares into your eyes with an intensity you’ve never quite seen before, something curious and searching, and just as equally confused.

“Why are you so eager to help me?” he asks, taking you off guard.

“We’re friends, Vik. Why wouldn’t I want to help you?”

He narrows his eyes. “You kissed me.”

You freeze.

He continues, “Right before you bit me, you kissed me. Was that- were you trying to distract me from the oncoming pain, or-”

“No!” you cut him off. “No, I wouldn’t- not as a distraction, I…hH…”

You whine in embarrassment.

“I don’t know. I just wanted to.”

“Rest assured,” he tells you, “most of them are. I couldn’t tell you what the last thing I ate was. But I remember the feeling of your lips.”

You’re growing increasingly flustered by his actions, though you can’t bring yourself to pull away. “Viktor,” you mumble, “you know you don’t owe me anything, right?”

He freezes, and you continue, “I mean, I kissed you because I wanted to, but you don’t have to reciprocate my advances just because I turned you-”

“Is that what you think I’m doing?”

“Viktor-”

You slowly stroke his hair, doing your best to soothe him. “Does your skin feel too tight, or does it feel like you’ve swallowed sand?”

He thinks for a moment before replying, “the latter. How did you…?”

You give him another pat, and stand once again from the bed. “I told you sweetheart, that you were going to be thirsty, and moody, and bitey.”

Viktor grumbles again, and you hide a laugh behind your hand.

“Come on. I’ve got blood stored in the fridge downstairs.”

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