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#and wonder if i regret it

veliseraptor · 2 years

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sometimes fandom seems to struggle with the concept that...people can be kind/"good people" in some situations and very very not kind/not "good people" in others.

I feel like there's this urge to either write off the positive behavior as "fake" or to find a way to ignore/explain away/write out the negative behavior. and I personally find this really really irritating in both directions, actually

#the really bitchy addition to this post i'm leaving in the tags: it kinda makes me wonder if they've ever met real people #this isn't just about villain police stuff either #but it's not not about that either #mostly it's just. characters can be more than one thing depending on the situation #just because a character kills somebody doesn't mean every time they're nice it's totally fake #and conversely: just because somebody does good things doesn't mean they can't also have taken very harmful actions #anyway. irritable early morning post i might regret later #lise's aggressively bitchy opinions about irrelevant and unimportant matters

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ariadne-mouse · 1 month

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Still thinking about just how deep in it Liliana Temult is. Like in the eyes of the narrative she went from

absent & possibly dead, very sad -> alive just estranged?? mysterious! -> possibly involved in a cult, tragic, can her daughter reach her? -> uncomfortably high up in said cult -> the cult's goddamn General and striking such terror into the local population of the Ruidus that they are afraid of even her appearance or someone who looks like her

Ordinary people who are trying to resist the dictatorial Imperium/Ruby Vanguard alliance and their iron control of the populace are terrified of her. You don't strike terror just by "being there". Terror happens because of actions. And it leaves us to wonder what exactly Liliana Temult has done during her time on the moon to make the citizens fear her so much.

#all of this has happened so fast #but I wonder whether Imogen mourns the version of her (dead/vanished) mother that she held in her mind #the one who was ostensibly good in that way children hope their lost loved ones to be (or at least not full ham evil)#Liliana has at times given off this vague air of regret - mostly regarding Imogen like 'i wish it wasn't like this but it is'#but in general that all this violence and terrorizing Ruidus and killing all the gods - it's unfortunate but part of the Greater Purpose #and that makes her all the more detestable tbh #she sees and understands and maybe even empathizes with those that have been or will be hurt by this campaign for Predathos #and has decided that it's still necessary. unfortunate but necessary. this sort of quiet and awful conviction #the kind of person who will hurt you while telling you it's for your own good and it's better this way #cr spoilers #c3e88 #critical role #liliana temult #op

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theminecraftbee · 8 months

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Jimmy notices Scott sitting near the edge of the Ace Race launch. They’re both on the practice server; it’s a good place to hang out. Gets away from the kinds of lives they live elsewhere, even if Jimmy figures the one he’s got right now is good enough. Scott’s here a lot, Jimmy’s found; it’s probably some combination of whatever the weird messenger thing he has going on with Noxite is and the number of other lives he’s lived. Jimmy bets it’s just quieter here than, like, he doesn’t know, he’s heard something about pirates?

Anyway, he’s always down to say hi to Scott. Also, Scott looks—strange. Diminished feels rude. Not preening like a peacock? No weird ethereal glow? It can’t be that the romance has worn off, it never really did, not all the way, Jimmy’s always seen him as sort of made of lace and marble and beautiful things from the beginning and even now that they’re like, friends friends, it’s just—

Jimmy plants himself in the grass. He can’t find a poppy, but he can find a dandelion. Close enough?

“Flower for your thoughts?” he says cheerfully.

Scott looks up. He laughs. “You can’t be doing that, Jimmy. We’ll get double-married. I already have too many husbands, you can’t be on there twice.”

“I think I can marry my flower husband as many times as I want,” Jimmy says.

“We barely even do a romance anymore.”

“Well, excuse you for not being a romantic.”

“Me? I’m not the romantic? Me?” Scott says incredulously.

“Well I don’t know how it would be me,” Jimmy says imperiously. He pauses, huffs, and sits down next to Scott. “I mean, we can do romance if you want. Hadn’t done that the last few lives because, you know, work better as friends right now, but I can totally wow you. I can, uh. Uh. Make… chocolate? No, I can’t do that, actually, don’t hold me to that—”

Jimmy pauses.

“Scott,” he says.

“No, keep going,” Scott says weakly.

“Have I done something wrong?” Jimmy asks.

“No, no, it’s just—sort of being a messenger god, I get a feel for things, and—it’s gonna happen again soon, Jimmy.”

“Oh, okay,” Jimmy says. They both know what they’re talking about. “I’m absolutely gonna win this time, just so you know.” He says it with all the false bravado of a person who’s mostly just hoping he doesn’t die first again. This time, this time, this time. He’ll do it by his own merits, though; he’s not sure what he would have done if Joel had actually gone through with the halting plan to die for him that he’d told Jimmy about last time. Probably crowed on happily about it, honestly, but with needles in his stomach the whole time.

Scott hasn’t responded yet.

“You don’t have to worry. You’re way too good at this. Constant finalist, now that you don’t have me weighing you down,” Jimmy tries.

“I shouldn’t talk about this with you,” Scott says.

“Rude,” Jimmy says. “We’re husbands at least twice over.”

“Yeah, but do you ever regret it? Don’t you—don’t you regret it?” Scott bursts out. “Don’t you ever wake up and—and you weren’t good enough to protect them and you’re not good enough to be loyal to and frankly you aren’t good enough to follow the rules either and, and so you’re just constantly winning. And you aren’t trying and you just think, if you’d just—if you’d just fucking slowed down, figured out how to protect—this is stupid. I’m proud of Martyn. Got him to win, at least. I can’t regret him winning. I wouldn’t have wanted anything else. I never have. Forget I said anything.”

Jimmy stares.

“I don’t regret it,” he says, and he’s surprised to realize he’s telling the truth.

“Not even for all the mocking?” Scott says.

“I mean. Wouldn’t have teamed with Grian and Joel if…”

“Oh,” Scott says. He stares out over the practice server. Jimmy cannot guess what’s going on in his head. No matter how many lives they’re friends, husbands, lovers both star-crossed and casual, enemies, and friends again in, Jimmy has to admit, Scott’s kind of a closed book. It’s one of the character flaws he has to make up for being perfect at everything else.

It’s part of what makes him Scott.

“I don’t regret it,” Jimmy says, almost more urgently.

“Oh,” Scott says again. “I do.”

Jimmy’s not sure what to say to that.

He’s never been good enough at winning much of anything to understand that kind of regret, is the thing. Blessing, curse, whatever else, he just…

“Sorry. I’ll be better tomorrow. Not normally the kind of person for this stuff,” Scott says. “It’s not that I’m not confident, it’s just…”

That, though. That, Jimmy can understand.

He scoots closer to Scott.

“Let’s race. I’ll totally beat you so badly. I was watching CPK do skips. And, I don’t know about you, but…”

“Yeah, you’ll hit those in your dreams,” Scott says. Neither of them move to stand up, though. They remain sitting shoulder-to-shoulder, watching other participants jump off the launch. It’s nice here. Quiet. A place apart from all the lives they live. Jimmy wonders if that’s why Scott’s here so much. Jimmy might have to show up too; that’s what increasingly old friends are for, he figures.

#limited life smp #<- tagged as such for being the most recent #jimmy solidarity #scott smajor #a bee fic #idk man I just wanted to write scott being a little insecure I can’t sleep and have been having fh feelings lately #for whatever else I think Jimmy doesn’t ever regret TRYING even given that it never works out #be it relationships or bad plans or the life series #scott though—it works out for him and he’ll always wonder.#flower husbands

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3ksdee · 9 months

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will post here too, I love their dynamic so much!!💕

#skip and loafer #skip to loafer #mitsumi iwakura #shima sousuke #shima x mitsumi #whatch this wonderful anime i promise you wont regret :')

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hylianane · 18 days

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Do you think. That after Sanji asked Zoro to kill him. He took a moment wonder if, had Kuina lived to adulthood, at the end of their journey, would whoever killed Mihawk would’ve have to fight to protect their title from the other? Do you think the next time they fought after Sanji’s request, Kitetsu would cut just a little too close to Sanji’s throat, because her master was too preoccupied thinking, would I have been able to do it? Kill her, if it came to that? For my dream? and later when he’s carefully wiping Sanji’s blood off his blade, do you think, that maybe he would think- the dream was hers before it was mine. Would I have felt betrayed, then, if she killed me? Or proud? Pleased? Happy?

When Sanji interrupts his thoughts to say, what the hell has got you so distracted? Or what, am I too boring for you to take seriously, do you think Zoro would glare at him in silence cause there’s no way for him to articulate that he’s never taken anything more seriously in his life.

#Sanji and Kuina taking up the same space in Zoro’s brain my absolute beloved.#Like yeah there’s also a parallel you can make between Kuina and Luffy in how they represent Zoro’s dreams but #Their dynamic as friends is different #Zoro is able to communicate rather freely with Luffy #With Sanji its more of the same thrown insults and play fights and secret admiration and inability to say the word ‘friend’#and now I’m thinking about how Kuina died the same night her and Zoro spoke honestly for the first time #and I wonder if Zoro regrets that #I WONDER if he didnt realize he has a second chance at fixing it until Sanji’s life was placed in real danger #This is all so hard for me to articulate does anyone get it. Hello. Hello?#one piece #roronoa zoro #blackleg sanji #shimotsuki kuina #zosan #cause a death pact is always romantic #my post

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rainbowtransform · 2 days

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So the Rat Grinders are fractured. Even back in the beginning, they were fractured because they didn’t have a chance to grow closer. They took easy quests to just get it over with

Then they died, and got brought back. And they grew slightly closer, but they just didn��t grow as close as the Bad Kids. And I think that’s another reason why Kipperlilly feels so jealous. The Bad Kids have a bond, through thick and thin, death and life, no matter in what world or place they’d always find each other.

Kipperlily wants that. She wants to get along with her party like they do. She wants that trust, that “you’ll always have my back” but she doesn’t get that.

Ruben doesn’t like her, he voted for the name change because he saw upset it made her. Oisin and Ivy are the best friends in their group, closer to each other more then they to anyone else. Mary Ann doesn’t even speak to them, preferring to keep silent and do whatever she wants.

The only person that was on her side was Lucy, and Lucy stayed dead.

#I wonder if kipperlilly regrets it #regrets coming back to life when she saw Lucy’s lifeless body seize #and fall #never to breath again #never to smile again #never to be hers again #I’m making everyone gay this time guys #kipperlilly copperkettle #dimension 20 #ruben hopclap #mary ann skuttle #oisin hakinvar #lucy frostblade #ivy embra #the rat grinders #d20 #fantasy high junior year spoilers #fhjy spoilers #fantasy high junior year

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jtl-fics · 9 months

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Fluent Freshman - Part 34

Sometimes when you have bad anxiety it’s hard to judge how scary something actually is.

FF breaks into a cold sweat practicing his order in line at fast food places. FF shakes with nerves at the prospect of asking about where a certain building was on campus from a stranger. FF’s stomach twisted into knots when he thought Andrew was leading him to his death in the basement of Eden’s. It’s hard when everything in life feels like the scariest and most impossible thing you’ll ever have to deal with.

Still, FF had felt like he had been getting braver. Had felt like he might be getting just a bit better in regard to confronting his fears.

He’d been getting better.

He managed to laugh with the cashier when he ordered combo number two-teen instead of twelve before break. He had asked for directions to the nearest bathroom from a stranger when one of Kevin’s shakes had gone straight through him. He had even gone down into the basement with Andrew and realized he had friends.

Looking at Daniel makes that progress feel far away.

His stepbrother’s name tastes like ash in his mouth.

“I just want to talk.” Daniel says raising his hands up placatingly. “We’re family.” Daniel says pointing between himself and FF.

“We’re not family and I don’t want to talk.” FF says because they aren’t, and he doesn’t. Daniel is one of the top two people in the entire world he doesn’t want to talk to ever.

“There’s your answer, now leave.” Captain Neil dismisses Daniel who still has his hands up.

“C’mon talk to me. We’re brothers John.” Daniel says and FF feels his entire body tense at the name.

“John?” Nicky looks back at him in confusion.

“That’s not my name.” FF hears himself say more than he consciously says it. “It was never my name.” he swallows tart cherry flavored bile. It really was one of Kevin’s better smoothies and FF would feel terrible if he puked it up. The world sways as he tries to breathe through the nausea of hearing Daniel call him by that name again.

He changed it the second he turned 18 last March. He’d signed his contract as a Smith not a Stanton. He would never let someone take it from him again even if hearing his first name still made his heart ache.

He feels Kevin’s hand on the center of his back steadying him and maybe he is swaying and not the world. Kevin takes the smoothie out of his hands before he can drop it.

Nicky must see something too because his friend abandoned the front line to steady him with an arm around his shoulders. He thinks he sees Captain Neil take his place.

“Of course, it was! It’s the name our dad gave you.” Daniel says and FF’s stomach cramps at the thought. “He’s still hurt that you changed it and that you haven’t reached out. Do you know what it’s like to find out your brother was hurt during a press conference?” Daniel asks and FF can see how he’s going for the sympathy card here looking at the others.

It’s his usual tactic.

“Fred is not my dad. You, Lucas, and Greg are not my brothers.” FF can feel a headache coming on along with the stomach cramps. He wishes that Aaron had let him restock on Pepto because the tart cherries maybe aren’t the best thing at the moment.

Daniel has always been the worst part of his stepfamily.

Greg had been a physical bully. Lucas had always followed Greg’s lead. Fred hadn’t looked at him more than he had to from the very moment that FF had made it clear that he did not appreciate the 13th birthday gift of ‘a new name’ and still intended to spend time with his grandmother. His mother had been distant for ages, but he always felt her watchful gaze making sure he did not step out of line, did not give her an excuse to put him back on the medication that left him as a zombie.

Daniel was different.

Daniel wanted things to be a certain way, but he wasn’t like his father or his brothers. He didn’t force FF to change, didn’t bully him into accepting a name that he had never wanted, and never let on to the fact that he was watching.

They’re the same age. Daniel had come to him like he could be a friend something he had been in short supply of after his two years of being little more than a medicated zombie. Daniel had gotten close; Daniel had pretended to actually care and acted like he only wanted what was best for FF.

It might have even worked.

If FF wasn’t such a loyal grandson.

Daniel had tried to poison the well between him and Gran, had tried to tell him that he needed to leave her behind and be happy in his new family.

FF had been stalwart.

Then Daniel had gone after his Gran and FF dislocated his thumb punching him.

“You don’t touch her.” He had said seeing Daniel for what he was for the first time. He saw a monster where a friend used to be but he had told this monster all of his secrets, all of his weaknesses, and had given him ammo.

Daniel came off as sweet and caring. He was athletic. He was a good friend. He was smart.

He was just also evil and made sure that FF suffered every single day they lived together because FF saw that evil in him when no one else had.

More than anything FF had been happy to bid him farewell when he’d signed his legal name on the contract to Palmetto State University’s Exy Team.

Just the sight of him brought up bad memories.

“No brother here to talk to it seems.” Captain Neil says.

“Bye Daniel. Kevin and Aaron, you two can walk back.” Andrew says and FF feels hands on his shoulders and found himself being steered towards the Maserati and FF stiffened instantly at the sight of it. “Smith?” Andrew questions.

FF had been doing better.

Screaming and pointing.

A hand reaching.

A sharp swerve.

Blood in his eyes and smoke in his lungs.

“I’m scared.”

Tiny hands in his.

“It’s going to be okay; I promise.”

Waking up to his grandma holding his hand in the hospital.

He’d been getting better.

“See, you’re still upset over what that guy did. Why are you clinging to the last name of the guy that did this to you?” Daniel asks from behind him, “He almost killed mom and you. He did kill our two-“

“Stop.” FF hears himself say and he turns to Daniel. “Jay and Robin weren’t your little siblings, they were mine. I’m not your family, I never was and never will be. I’m not scared of cars anymore.” A lie mixed in with multiple truths.

Maybe it’ll make Daniel happy to see that FF still knows how to play all of his favorite games.

He turns to Andrew who is staring at him patiently, “I’m not feeling well.” He says.

Andrew looks at him and FF figures he probably looks as shitty as he feels, “Someone will have to sit on someone’s lap.” He says.

“Smithy, sit on my lap.” Nicky says and FF can’t help the way he leans into Nicky’s warmth as his friend guides him to around the car keeping himself between Daniel and FF. Nicky gets in first and FF doesn’t hesitate to crawl onto Nicky’s lap.

He thinks he hears Daniel start to say something, but Andrew slams the door shut on his way to the driver’s side. Andrew doesn’t move from the passenger door, blocking it with his body.

Nicky guides his face into his neck, “Can we buckle-up?” he asks, and Nicky almost dislodges him he’s so quick in his compliance.

“Of course.” Nicky says and there’s the feeling of the seatbelt and the click of it locking into place. Nicky’s hand was in his hair.

FF doesn’t know if it just took a while or if he was just drifting in his thoughts as Nicky stroked his hair. “Are you scared of cars?” he asks voice quiet.

“Yes.” FF answers because it’s Nicky. “I was in an accident.” He explains just as quietly as Nicky had asked.

“Siblings?” Nicky asks voice choking with emotion.

FF pressed his face into Nicky’s neck further and hopes the pressure will stop his eyes from watering. “Yes.” He says. “Younger.” He manages.

Nicky holds him tighter, and FF is glad Nicky doesn’t tell him it’ll be okay.

FF doesn’t know if he drifts or if the others are listening to Daniel’s poison and falling for it. He’s glad that at least he’ll still have Nicky.

Eventually, the doors open, and he thinks he hears Daniel’s voice, but all three doors shut quickly.

“What an asshole.” Aaron spits.

“That doesn’t necessarily disqualify him.” Kevin says.

“We’re not talking about this right now.” Captain Neil hisses, “Smith, we’re going to get you to Abby’s, okay?” he says but FF doesn’t really have the energy to do anything more than a thumbs up.

The car ride is smoother than usual. It’s also quiet other than Kevin reminding him that he’d sleep better if they’d stop by the store to grab more smoothie supplies, Aaron smacking him upside the head, and Andrew threatening to kill both of them if they got tart cherry and avocado smoothie on his interior.

By the time they’re at Abby’s FF is almost asleep in Nicky’s lap but he forces himself to wake up and climb out of the car when Andrew opens the passenger door for them. He finds it hard to look at any of them at the moment.

“Sorry about all of that.” He manages looking down at his feet. “You shouldn’t have had to see that.”

“Smith,” Captain Neil’s hand rests on his shoulder and FF startles slightly as he looks down into the blue eyes of his Captain, “if we got what we deserved, we wouldn’t be Foxes.” He says as FF takes a long and steadying breath. “You have a past and that’s what brought you here.” Captain Neil squeezes his shoulder.

“You’re one of us and we take care of our own.” Andrew says before pushing him towards Nicky, “Get him to bed.” He says.

Nicky didn’t need to be told twice. Abby and Grandma Smith were out checking out a restaurant after the game, the two having become good friends during their stay. FF was glad his Gran was somewhere else and didn’t have to see him like this. FF was even more glad for his friend’s help as Nicky dragged him through his bedtime routine. “Don’t expect this when we’re roomies.” Nicky teased as he helped FF change.

It was hardly five minutes between pulling up and Nicky tucking FF into bed. “We’ll be by tomorrow, call me if that asshole shows up, okay?” Nicky says pointing at him.

FF, still to tired, just gave a thumbs up and closed his eyes.

He just hoped he drank enough of the smoothie that he wouldn’t dream.

***

Nicky left Abby’s house and made sure to lock the door behind him after he had checked a grand total of three times that FF was asleep in the guest bedroom, he’d taken up residency in.

Siblings.

Nicky’s heart ached.

He found the rest of the Monsters loitering outside by the Maserati with Aaron pacing, Kevin wiping his tongue on his shirt, as Andrew and Neil sat on the hood sharing a cigarette.

“He’s asleep?” Andrew asks.

“Out like a light.” He looks over to Kevin, “What’s going on with Kevin?” he asks.

“He tried some of what was left of the Smoothie he gave to Smith.” Neil says with an amused laugh. “He didn’t like it.” He says.

“I’ve been aiming for nutritional, not delicious.” Kevin argues, “Smiths hasn’t complained.”

“Smith is a little too nice for his own good.” Aaron rolls his eyes, “Which is why we’re not letting that asshole get his way!” Aaron adds.

“Being an asshole doesn’t stop you from being good at Exy.” Kevin crosses his arms.

“Obviously!” Aaron returns gesturing at Neil, Andrew, and Kevin.

“I resent that.” Kevin and Neil said at the same time as Andrew just shrugged.

“Hey, what the hell are you guys talking about?” Nicky asks hating feeling locked out of the loop. He didn’t regret climbing in the car to hold FF but there’d been too much time between when he’d sat in the Maserati to when the rest had joined for there to have not been a conversation.

“You didn’t hear?” Aaron asks incredulous.

“I was busy.” Nicky hisses and at least Aaron has the good grace to blush.

“Daniel Stanton wants to try out for the open spot on our roster since Lisa decided to stay home.” Neil says through gritted teeth, “The University already approved that he can try out.” He adds.

“That asshole wants to be a Fox.” Andrew says.

There were many noise disturbance calls from the usually quiet neighborhood that night as Nicky Hemmick let his opinion on this be known to the world.