#astronaut from my insta

[sir-avodoodles]

I have lots to show here,

I’ve decided to reveal some ganondorf/pokemon brainrot. (I’ve never played a pokemon game in my life) I think it would be comical if he traverses the world in ever-growing desperation for a rapidash to call his own. I think rapidashes (and ponytas) actively avoid him, hijinks ensue. He doesn’t particularly want any other pokemon but the sableye has Chosen Him. The mudkip was a misfire when he was chasing a ponyta, he decided to keep it and named it Kippers. He didn’t name the sableye but it responds when he calls it scum.

I also found a couple iterations of how I draw Perfect Cell, a drawing of him from last summer next to what is most likely the first time I ever drew him. Then one from today w/ a couple other doodles

And lastly, more doodles from today plus a depiction of my persona “the librarian” that I really enjoy looking at.

Have a marvelous day y’all

#siravodoodles #pokemon #ganondorf #sableye #mudkip #perfect cell #emperor cell #dragons #oh right I forgot to say the crying one is actually my son (pillowpet) #oc #astronaut from my insta #me. i’m there #also I just found out that I can only add 10 images to one post #sad day

[stuckasmain]

Rewatching 2010 thoughts

I did a bit of rapid posting last night as I rewatched the film as I certainly have a lot of thoughts about it. It has been a long time since I have and after reading the book I’m kind of sad? It’s still an enjoyable watch but some of the changes are just so unnecessary, especially when it’s noticeable the things they took effort to keep.

One thing I will admit is this movie definitely influenced how I read the book, appearances lined up (except for Katerina who’s male in the movie)

They accidentally demoted Frank in the briefing “co pilot” and “deputy commander” aren’t exactly interchangeable

I like Floyd being friends with Milson and Caroline being much more understanding but this is unfortunately at the expense of literally everyone else. As the conflict comes from within rather than the situation most of the time- it’s really unfortunate as the “insta friends” part of the novel works to its benefit

However, everyone’s a quippy bitch and it’s really funny

The movie is absolutely terrible to Tanya makes weird choices of her being military, no longer married to Vasili (for no real reason) and the absolutely insane illogical choice of making Max go out

All of Floyd’s transmissions contain elements from paragraphs from the book itself a nice touch

I really really wished they hadn’t went with the conflict/war route because the movie is at its best when everyone’s conversational and joking around with each other like in the book. The movie mentions it a few times but should’ve stuck with science>country astronaut bond

Do love the scene with Walter and Max going to the discovery and how instead of the focus being on normal breathing it’s hyperventilating

Something something burry your gays. The book goes into detail on how everyone thinks a manned probe to the monolith would be stupid and suicidal. But there’s no Katrina so we got to blow up the boyfriend (however i am a sucker for angst but my god)

LOVE Starchild Dave actually, I love the distortion and how his real voice beneath it is so soft and confused. How his eyes are freakishly blue and shiney- don’t like it implied he was married- idk why I hate that as much as I do

Actually do love the far more climatic blast from Jupiter. It really shows the “the message wasn’t sent to us because there was no guarantee we’d be ok”

Movie Chandra forever actually, he really encapsulates the general feel of the character and his care for Hal. 

They use the same two pictures of Frank and Dave for everything and it’s really funny because they’re just pulled from the movie and not actually nice photos of them

#2010 the year we make contact #2010 tywmc #2001 a space odyssey #movie review #movie reexamine #opinion #2001 meta #2010 meta

[deluxinn]

Amogus

This is @iinsectaa s fault :)

It was my first day on the job as an astronaut! Or rather just an outer space bodyguard/waiter/escort if paid enough because this is apparently a billionaire space sex party or some shit.

But I remain humble despite being tipped thousands of dollars just for being stepped over (sometimes literally,, sometimes in the bedroom) by these pompous individuals.

Therefore, when I see someone struggling to put on their space suit on top of their nice tuxedo suit, I’d help them! Though, I could have sworn I’ve seen them struggling due to having teeth way too big for a human. Nah,, that’d be what I call impossible. There’s a lot of strange things in space such as zero gravity, black holes, and satellites that have so much reflective surface that it’d fuck up the light pollution beyond repair but we’d never have anything like aliens!

So I’ve decided to keep it to myself after helping this individual put their helmet on. I gave them a good ol thumbs up because nothing could go wrong on this ride.

The party’s host Zeebos encouraged the service to walk around the space ship and do certain chores around the place because whoever worked the hardest would get a $100 bonus! You know, that’s really generous for a billionaire. And that’s what I like to call a fine investment into the discord nitro yous know what I’m saying?

Occasionally the rich asses would press a button, thus calling all the workers in the dining room in case they needed us so other than that, there’s no interrupting our work!

On my way to clear the dangerous asteroids (I also took the trash out, I don’t know if I mentioned that, because I’m a chore master), I noticed some red fluid on the floor. Well snap, I wasn’t aware they stored wine here. Except it wasn’t wine! It was a tad less fun.

It was blood! From a corpse! A stinky one at that. You know, they coulda had the foresight to put in the garbage shoot before I cleaned that. Now we have to wait till next garbage day so that was a little inconsiderate of them, to be honest.

In a shock, I took a picture of it for my instagram because that’s my coping mechanism. I forgot I had an instagram but I only ever used it for really traumatizing moments in my life so it’s on private.

Or not because I just got a like, and now I hear Zeebos running toward me with a crowd. Wowza! I wasn’t even aware he followed me (like on insta not literally).

“I can’t believe this! It’s the first line of dialogue in this story and I have to use it to call you out for killing one of my guests! This calls for a meeting! An emergency one!” He yelled.

We all gathered in the very nice dining room. It was a circle table which is very nice because it felt like we were all equals and there was no head. Obviously that wasn’t true though because I only have $3 and a murder accusation to my name but who am I to say?

Regardless, I knew exactly how to clear myself of any suspicion.

I pulled out a sheet of paper.

“So if you see here, at the start of the story it clearly states that I helped one of your guests out with a helmet because they’re an alien! Obviously, it was them.” said I.

“Objection!” A voice shouted.

“Or, this is a case of unreliable narrator. A very cheap and easy tool used to fool the ones involved, even the audience!”

“Okay that’s a fair point but also what would I have to gain for doing that? Killing people won’t get me a redemption code for discord nitro but shooting meteors might!” I replied.

It seems that I’ve won the argument so everyone returned to their activities.

I had to find that guest again and make them do a dna test to prove they’re 100% that bitch.

Someone beat me to the punch and had already asked, because the alien claimed another victim. They dashed quickly toward me to dispatch me as well, but they were just standing there.

“Uh, you’re not gonna kill me?” I asked.

“Yeah um.. Just give me like 15 more seconds okay? It’s like my first time.” The alien replied.

“Holy shit! It’s my first time too! That’s crazy. You know I feel like we got a lot in common.”

The alien laughed shyly then spoke.

“You know, if we take out all of them, you could get as many months of subscription as you want right? They’re so rich they’re practically begging and shouting ‘Ah, mug us!’ “

“Ah, mug us?”

“Yes. Ah, mug us!”

“Ahhh mug us.”

The alien had a good point but I feel like maybe something more moral would be better like stealing a millionaire’s credit card and sucking their bank account dry.

All I knew was…. Break time was over so there’s no time to continue this story.

The End?

[pinkeebwui]

Tagged by the lovely @figthefruitfaeth

rules: post a screencap of your lock screen photo, a screencap of the last/current song listened to, as well as the last photo of a celebrity that you saved in your phone.

1. I gave had this as my lock screen since they posted it on the insta before the LoveStay chocolate factory fanmeeting. I considered changing it recently to photos from the concert but I’m indecisive and this is a nice one. subtle enough but still fun to me.

2. I was listening to astronaut and yt knows me so well and lined this one up immediately after it 🥰 obsession through osmosis from @something-wild-cat originally but now it’s just an obsession lol

3. I screen recorded this because of the sheer delight on Seungmin’s face as he RUNS to do his part. From a boy who hides his smile a lot, the grin was compelling. Also Han’s shove at the end cracks me up.

Tagging @willthewhompingwillow @taebaelee @averageicewitch and idk if you wanna join you can say I tagged you

#eebwuispeaks #tag gane

[velitor]

Writing - 10/3

prompt from @/the.plottery on Insta:

write a flash-fiction piece about an astronaut whose umbilical cord cuts off from their ship in outer space.

(ik this is too long to be flash-fiction LMAOOO but the site i write these on asks us to write at least 750 words every day so I’m just doing my best)

-----

It was broken. Of course the damn thing was broken again. They send her out on the mission of a lifetime, and where does that take her? Right through a damn asteroid cluster. She was half-tempted to just let it sit there until she got through all of the rocks, but if she didn't get out there to repair it, she had no way to know when she would be out of the cluster. That, and Command wouldn't be happy if they couldn't get a hold of her. And she knew she couldn't get Chuck to do it. Couldn't even find him to try to convince him. Probably passed out drunk in a weird corner of the ship.

How he got all the alcohol out here, she didn't know. But she was always a split second away from tossing it out the damn airlock.

She floated into the briefing room, her little aluminum-coated package of coffee still tightly secured in her grip. The computer monitor blared on and on about the broken satellite. She simply blinked and took a long sip of her coffee, which was only powder and mess a few minutes ago. The computer bothered to pull up a diagram of the satellite, just to tell her that it had no idea which part of the thing was broken. She was smart enough to know to take the basics, at least. After another long sip of her coffee, she let out a quiet sigh. "Fucking ridiculous."

She floated through the station to the room that would eventually lead her straight to the airlock. Her helmet was patiently waiting for her, still barely attached to the wall by a hook. Otherwise, who knows where the damn thing would've ended up. She finished her coffee and threw it into one of the trash chutes on the wall. Then she unhooked her helmet. The damn thing never felt like it was the correct fit. She had pointed this out back on earth, when they still could've made adjustments, and how many were made? Zero. It always gave her a bad feeling, having to put it on. Or maybe that was because she didn't like going into the deep dark nothingness of outer space, just like anyone else. She grabbed herself an oxygen supply on the wall and secured it to her back. Hooking the whole thing up to her helmet and suit was almost as painful as having to fix the satellite in the first place. After securing a wrench, hammer, and a pack of nuts and bolts on her belt, she felt at least slightly ready. She went into the airlock, secured herself to the ship with a clip attached to the wall, and then was off.

There sat the satellite, just as much of a pain in her ass as ever, as she floated her way over there with a pace that she could only describe as painfully slow, when she eventually made it back home and got to talk to her family about the whole thing. Her hands developed a death grip on one edge of the satellite, something she wouldn't do if it was already busted, and got her feet somewhat on the surface of the ship. After only a bit of poking and prodding, she realized she would need more than just her damn wrench. She needed the blowtorch. She let out a sigh and grabbed her tether to pull herself back to the hatch. Something else she wasn't necessarily supposed to do. But it worked this time, just like every other time, and after going through the tedious process of securing the airlock, she grabbed the blowtorch sitting right next to the door, and then was unsecuring the airlock doors once more.

She got back to the satellite, her hands tightening their grip around the blowtorch as she did so. It would really only take her a few minutes to get this fixed up. If only-

She didn't know what happened. Something slammed into her, maybe, from the way her entire body ached as she fought her eyes open. Blood was smeared on the inside of her helmet. ...There was a crack. She slowly blinked. "...Chuck...?"

No response. Not like she expected one anyways.

She went to grab the tether attached to her hip.

... There was no tether. That got her wide awake. There's no fucking tether. "Chuck!" she screeched as she finally started looking around, her breath now coming out in labored huffs. Wasting her precious oxygen. "Chuck!"

"Chuck, I know you can hear me!"

"Chuck?"

#writing

[nikiiwi]

🕰 songs that would ACTUALLY save me from vecna's curse 🕰

nice try, spotify. (bold of them to try and make my tastes cohesive) || [link]

i. spin around - josie and the pussycats || ii. i 2 i - tevin campbell and rosie gaines || iii. you get what you give - new radicals || iv. right back where we started from - maxine nightingale || v. bizarre love triangle (extended) - new order || vi. too long - daft punk || vii. final dream machine - honorary astronaut || viii. don't dream it's over - crowded house || ix. sedated - hozier || x. shoulders - coheed and cambria || xi. autoclave - the mountain goats || xii. overkill (acoustic) - colin hay || xiii. bobby in phoenix (ft. bobby womack) - gorillaz || xiv. enjoy your life - marina || xv. new person, same old mistakes - tame impala || xvi. head over heels/broken - tears for fears || xvii. anyone who had a heart - dionne warwick || xviii. quiet - adrianna bertola || xix. the little things give you away - linkin park

created as an answer to the official personalized upside down playlist spotify built for me.

cover credit: @mandelmic (same handle on insta and twitter)

#kiwii mixes #about me #stranger things #music

[starsiere]

welcome to the realm of the dreamers, where sleeping stars lie and await the coming of the howling moon.

twitter. ll insta.

you may refer to me as ■■. she/her, 20+. a follower of Christ who’s just really trying her best tbh (is she succeeding? only God knows)

tags:

sketches from the starseeker - art tag

diary of an astronaut - writing tag

starseeker stitches - sewing + crochet tag

friends from nearby galaxies - mutuals tag

spacemail - ask tag

do not repost or reupload my work without permission.

[ct-multifandom]

More s4 predictions? More s4 predictions.

Luka closure, duh. He will start moving on from his breakup and start existing outside the scope of Marinette’s love life

I really hope we see Adrien hanging out with him to parallel Mari hanging with Kagami but I’m afraid the parallel might just be Mari hanging with Luka as friends

Marinette will try to give Adrien a miraculous again. Near the end of the season, she’ll realize that there are only a couple if not one miraculous left without a holder, and she’ll get overtaken by the desire to work Adrien into her team. If I had to guess which one, I’d say the dog because it juxtaposes the cat and I think Sabrina, as an outsider to the group and former mean girl lackey, might be the last to go.

We’ll meet someone’s mom for the first time and she’ll get akumatized along with a mode of transportation. Maybe a motorcycle or airplane this time? Edit: I guess Gina/Befana was motorcycle mom already so we’re just missing airplane mom

Alec Cataldi will be Psychomedian. Since they rewrote Gagotor for this I’m guessing the new character was probably replaced with one we know, and Alec is a recurring, humorous TV personality who hasn’t been akumatized yet. I came across his English VA’s insta by chance on explore and he made a post about recording more Alec lines after Optigami’s release

Rocketear will be/have to do with Max who misses his mom after she leaves for a space mission. It’d be nice to see the continuation of this subplot, which was shown for a moment in Miracle Queen after Startrain. Plus, Ladybug needs to give Max a charm sooner rather than later and Gamer, a very specific akuma, already had a 2.0. Edit: I’m Stan and I was wrong.

When Megaleech was first announced I thought it might be Bob Roth(’s sentimonster?) based solely off the name, but assuming that’s the thing in the Polymouse episode, it’s hard to tell. It’s so non-human. I wasn’t expecting Mylene to get her miraculous here based off the name either. My new theory, which I’m admittedly not super confident in, is that Megaleech is the fusion of the entire Kitty Section who got screwed over by Bob and/or XY again. That would explain the French pun and also Mylene’s personal connection to the case at hand. It might also explain why this group of heroes was hanging out outside of school. I wonder how Ladybug’s new charm animation would work with more than one charm at a time. Would they skip it altogether and just show her passing them out? Would they all match with Megaleech’s colors or would they be different for the individuals?

Edit: I am editing this post because I just saw a theory that the villain of this episode will be Andre Bourgeois again. Megaleech’s color scheme and medallions match Malediktator perfectly, and the tiny thing Chat kicks in the trailer looks like a shrunken version of him if you look closely. This is a lot more believable, but it makes me wonder what leads to Mylene being the hero of the day.

I hope Polymouse doesn’t get overshadowed by the large team, but I also hope she doesn’t get overshadowed by Multimouse. Unfortunately, there are a lot of immature kids who hate Mylene for no reason, so I hope Polymouse will be the one to come up with the winning plan, use her powers cleverly, and be heroic in general so that she can prove how well the mouse fits her instead of unknowingly competing with Marinette.

Teenage Alix will make her entrance as Bunnix when her dad gets akumatized. Both Timebreaker and The Pharaoh had time-y powers, and Alim is a historian, so if he were to get akumatized, he’d probably turn into a villain who controls time as well, leaving his daughter as the only one who can take him.

Sandboy 2.0 will happen as everyone predicted based on the voice director’s story post with Sandboy’s VA. Ladybug will probably see Chat Blanc in place of zombie Adrien, raising a lot of questions and tension. Maybe Chat will see Ladybug abandon him, or something else related to solitude rather than being trapped? We will also finally find out who the akumatized kid is.

Speaking of, I think Sandboy 2.0 might be Caprikid’s entry episode. (What?) Let me explain. I think the Sandboy kid and Marc look pretty similar, and correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure they’re the only male characters with defined eyelashes in the whole show. Both of them also have celestial thematics which would fit with Marc’s last name, Anciel (en ciel, in the sky). Sandboy looks like the night sky while Marc has a rainbow theme. It’s possible that they’re related, so Ladybug will enlist Marc to help defeat Sandboy. Here are pictures:

I’ve also seen other people theorize that Caprikid’s power is related to dreams, I guess because of something like “counting sheep”. This isn’t my theory for his powers, but I see where it’s coming from. His kwami has the most interesting name. While most of the kwamis are related directly to their animal, Ziggy, the goat kwami, is named after David Bowie’s stage persona, Ziggy Stardust, who is an alien from space. David Bowie had other famous personas like the astronaut, Major Tom, and Aladdin Sane who had the iconic lightning bolt, all themes associated with the sky. I wouldn’t be surprised if these themes show up in Caprikid’s design, like if he has face paint instead of a mask or a similar hairstyle to Bowie.

We can already kind of tell that Caprikid and Coq Courage are matching just like their civilian selves do from their opening silhouettes with the chest fur and feathers. I predict it goes further than that with daytime/nighttime thematics. Roosters are associated with the sun, and my theory for Orikko’s power is illumination. Evillustrator’s biggest weakness, which ended up defeating him, was darkness, and I read a post today that pointed out that he can draw without even looking at his tablet so it’s more likely that he’s just scared of the dark. If he has day themes I think Caprikid will compliment that with night sky themes based on the stuff above.

I expect Evillustrator will have a 2.0 episode or any sort of comeback at some point. He’s probably one of the most iconic akumas, yet he’s only been truly akumatized once, at least on-screen. Plus, ladybug needs to get protective charms to all her hero pals asap.

We will probably meet the family of a couple more major characters who don’t have canon family members yet.

I hope we see more more-than-one-person and/or fusion akumas among the major cast. The protective charms are helpful but it sucks that they limit our possibilities for this type of stuff.

Sabrina will leave Chloe once and for all, which will trigger a big change in both of their characters. Sabrina will become more independent and leader-like, but Chloe will hit her lowest point. If not for... a certain person’s writing... I’d say this will be the true catalyst for her development as she faces cold hard reality for the first time... but I’m not so sure. Maybe she’ll just mellow down and become less bad and less relevant. Maybe she’ll snap and join evil Lila. Only time can tell.

I want to see my boy King Monkey again this season before the big finale, which will probably have everyone, and I’m pretty sure I will. I feel like they’ll all show up before that. I want him to move across the city by swinging across stuff like a monkey on vines.

We will finally see Ryuko’s full transformation and lightning dragon. I saw that the Roblox server thing featured the (oversimplified and blocky) coreo for her full transformation before the actual show did? A bit embarrassing.

I want to predict something for my boy Ivan, but he gets so little screen time that I just can’t think of anything :( I’m very excited for Minotaurox, though, and it’s possible that he’ll be involved with his family rather than Mylene or his friends.

The whole gang takes down Shadowmoth. Booyah, 17 teenage furries, bet he didn’t see that coming. And everyone has a big “pointing and laughing” moment until the obligatory Adrien angst commences

#miraculous ladybug #mlb #miraculous ladybug theory #marinette dupen chang #adrien agreste #luka couffaine #ladybug #chat noir #sabrina raincomprix #max kante #mylene haprele #Polymouse #alix kubdel #bunnix #marc anciel #caprikid #coq courage #chloe bourgeois #king monkey #ml ryuko #minotaurox #ivan bruel #alec cataldi #Sandboy #evillustrator #long post #sorry for not taking about Sentibubbler and Crocoduel/Tigresse Pourpe but I don’t have any new predictions since my earlier ones

[jessiarts]

Broken Art Masterlist

[Last updated: 17 May 2022]

List post broken. For current list please redirect here to new list!

Hey, there! I'm Jessi :)

This is my Art Masterlist with links to my art, with such popular posts as my Infinity War Rewrite Comic, Supernatural Charlie Fix-It comic, as well as other various fanart and personal art pieces. Also, I used to participate in Drawlloween a lot, so you're bound to find plenty spooky art as well.

My personal art tends to have a more surreal/magical quality to it, as it's usually a way for me to illustrate my thoughts or feelings. You can typically purchase prints of my art at my Etsy.

I also sell my designs on TeePublic, though I can be a bit slow to add new designs, so if there's a piece of mine you like but don't see in any of my shops just shoot me a message.

Currently accepting Requests for These! Commissions: Closed

Upcoming Projects: Selkie animation, 'Hey Alice' animation, Yondu comic

I'm mostly active here on Tumblr and Tiktok but you can also find me on other socials like Insta and Twitter if you want. You can also check out my FAQ. If you'd like to support my work I also have a Patreon where I post WIPS of my projects.

List got long so everything is under the cut until I can decide how I want to make it neater lol

Bare with me as the list is bound to change while I figure out how to best organize all my sections lol

FANART

Marvel

Loki

Avengers 1 Loki - Very first experiment with photorealistic digital painting! (2015)

Ragnarok Loki - more photorealism experiment (2018)

Noobmaster69 Comic - Loki feels (2020)

Infinity War Rewrite Comic - Sorta a "Loki fix-it." My most popular art post tbh (2019)

Kid Loki and Classic Loki's Helmet (2021)

Braiding Hair - Thor braiding Loki's hair sketch practice (2022)

Do you ever shut up? - Thor covering Loki's mouth sketch practice (2022)

Gleeful Brushes - alligator Loki getting gleeful brushies from Kid Loki sketch practice (2022)

Loki borrows Tony's 3D printer - Funny comic where Loki messes with Thor (2022)

Guardians of the Galaxy

Learn the Alphabet with Groot - Meme video (2019)

Gamora - Digital watercolor style (2020)

"You Were Always my Boy" - Yondu & Peter feels (2020)

Touching Foreheads - Peter x Gamora feels (2022)

Shielding - Yondu protecting little Peter Quill (2022)

"They didn't feel a thing" - Mantis feels comic (2018)

Listening to Heartbeat - Sketch practice (2022)

Starmora Embrace - Sketch practice (2022)

Misc.

Deadpool 1 - Vector art portrait (2016)

Deadpool 2 - Digital watercolor style (2020)

Okoye - Low-poly portrait (2018)

Dark Pheonix - Digital watercolor style silhouette (2020)

Professor Hulk - (2020)

Spiderman and Black Cat - (2020)

Disney

Stitch - colored pencil (2016)

Halle Bailey as The Little Mermaid - Full underwater scene photorealism experiment | Face Painting Process (2019)

Untooned Mulan

Untooned Megara

Doctor Who

Are you my Mummy? - pencil drawing (2015)

Impossible Astronaut (2016) | Colored Version (2018)

Supernatural

Demon Dean - pencil drawing (2015)

Bean Dean - silly vector drawing of Dean Winchester as a bean with a giant piece of pie (2016) | Process video

Rowena - digital photorealism portrait experiment (2019)

Charlie Fix-It - Comic where Charlie lives at the end of S10 E21: Dark Dynasty

Misc

ET - colored pencil portrait (2016)

Captain Jack Sparrow's Compass - colored pencil (2016)

Yoda - colored pencil portrait (2016)

Graveyard Girl - digital photorealism portrait experiment (2018)

Skyrim Character - my character in Skyrim. Low-poly portrait (2018)

Simpsons Werewolf - silly comic, Marge is a werewolf (2018)

Winnie the Pooh Xenomorph Comic (2019)

Tim Burton AHS Coven - digital ink style (2019)

Unus Annus Tribute Comic - Chibi Mark and Ethan vs giant Spider (2020)

Unus Annus Tribute Video - Unus Annus meets Hamilton (2020)

Baby Smaug - ink sketch (2015) | Timelapse

Shrek in Space - Pretty much as stated (2022)

Morticia Addams Mermay - Morticia Addams as a mermaid (2022)

would you like to fall down a rabbit hole?

ORIGINAL ART

Personal Pieces:

These are more surreal in nature.

Creation - (2020)

Black Butterfly - thyroid piece (2020)

Hold Me Close So I Don't Shatter - light shining through the cracks (2020)

Scream - (2020)

Drowning - (2020)

Blue - Music can help sometimes… (2021)

Floating - Surreal. Space, whales, starfish, trees. (2021)

Hurt - Also known as “Idk sometimes I just doodle to help me deal with stuff” (2022)

Random Stuff

Scarecrow - creepy scarecrow in rainy cornfield with some lightning. More realism experimentation (2018)

Our Mother is Burning - climate piece about rising temperatures using actual climate data (2020)

Blocked - mermaid trapped under ice (2020)

DTIYS Naga Angler Mermaid (2020)

Brain

Creating things - Comic based on actual events (2022)

Galaxy Girl - Digital watercolor style 2020

Make me - Silly comic based on Tumblr post (2020)

Swimming with the Fishes - Mob boss comic (2018)

You are my sunshine - Comic based on Tumblr post (2018) | Animatic version

Fav Drawlloween Pieces

2019: Vampire | Witchy Toad | Haunted Forest |

OLD ART

#jessiarts

[ellanainthetardis]

The Darkness Outside Us by Eliot Schrefer My rating: 4 of 5 stars I adored this book. From the cover alone I was expecting a cute romance in space and I got... So much more. This book doesn't really put science in science fiction, let's be clear, because the few science that was in it... I'm not sure how accurate it was. This being said, it wasn't a problem at all for me. I found the various concept clear enough and what didn't quite make sense I decided to suspend my disbelief for. The story is extremely compelling, I couldn't put the book down. I've read it under 24hours, I NEEDED to know how it would end. I was perplexed by the choice to have so few chapters at first but then it all started to make sense and simply really liked that the structure of the book follows so close to the story. It's a great narrative choice. The romance was a bit too insta-love for my initial taste but I really liked it overall. What I particularly liked also was the fact that there were a few established significant past-romances and that's not something that's often done in books, particularly when the characters are so young. It added a level of realism. I'm not sure how original the concept is as I haven't read that much sci-fi although it's a genre I'm branching into but to me it was really great. I didn't see the twist coming (view spoiler)[ I was actually banking on them being in cryo and woken up a few times during the course of the travel and that the truth was hidden for their sanity (hide spoiler)] It was really a good surprise. The reason I'm not putting a 5 stars is because I had a few problems along the road. I found the writing a bit unequal at times. There is a vivid sensation of claustrophobia and anxiety that is really really well rendered and contributes to making the story so riveting. (view spoiler)[ the looping sensation is really well done. Every time the cycle begins again, the same but different... It's really great. And the way OS is slowly turning into this threatening presence is just chef kiss (hide spoiler)] However, there were also times when stuff didn't make sense to me. Some descriptions were unclear which made the action difficult to follow and some transitions were just puzzling as it was unclear how long had past. The mood was great in short but the actual description of the set could have been better in my opinion. I also think the character could have had more depths. Kodiak is a really capable young man but at several points throughout the story I wondered what was the point of having Ambrose there... I understand they're young - and the excuse for that is a bit fishy in my opinion - but I'm assuming you send the most qualified people in space. From the reading, it looked as if Kodiak was the one always doing all the work so... What was Ambrose bringing to the trip outside of his name? I'm not sure if the "twist" eventually explains his inaptitude or not... I guess it could be read that way but it didn't really convince me. And outside of that, I think it could have been good to dig a bit deeper into their character. (view spoiler)[ the initial stance of watching them evolve differently again and again was really interesting and cool but I think we could have had more backstory woven in there outside of a few elements that seemed a bit cliché of "Federation" versus "Demokracia". (hide spoiler)] Also contributing to that star ducking: (view spoiler)[ What is the point of WRITING because you don't want to be overheard the OS only to speak about it out loud five seconds later? That irked me a lot because it happens a few times. They will go under the blanket so the OS doesn't suspect they know but then they discuss or refer to it out loud five minutes after that so it's a little stupid and confirms to me they're not really good astronauts. Also... And while I really adored the romance... You send two people on a new home planet... It would sound logical to send people who can actually reproduce... I understand that there's a machine that can do that for them (although I find the idea of a machine growing human life very uncomfortable) but I don't know... What if it breaks? No contingency plan? You're the last of the human race so... Yet at the same time there are a thousand stories out there about a man and a woman being the last of the human race so it's refreshing to have a queer version. I just wished there was a better explanation for that particular side plot than "we can risk space pregnancy". Guys you're literally killing them anyway so I fail to see the problem... Maybe they could have said clones were sterile and leave it at that. Then it would have made more sense to me. It's a small detail but it bugged me. And to come back to the "they feel very unprepared" aspect of the characters... Also MAYBE if you're going to send two people, the last of the human race, to a far away planet... MAYBE TRAIN THEM IN SURVIVAL FIRST???? Even when suspending my disbelief this made no sense to me. Ambrose barely looks ready to be IN SPACE never mind colonizing a new planet. Kodiak comes out as more capable but he's not clearly not trained in survival... That plothole really got to be to be honest. (hide spoiler)] The ending also felt a bit "easy" but the bulk of the book was so riveting that I don't really care. I really recommend this book if you're in the mood for some light sci-fi. View all my reviews

#i read stuff #the darkness outside us #spoilers #spoiler

[ninaraise2020]

2020 Book List

For 2020, I made a new years resolution to read 52 books by the end of the year.... which is one of the first new years resolutions I’ve actually kept!! Here are some of my favorites, and my thoughts about everything I read.

As a note: I know audiobooks // ebooks aren’t everyone’s thing, but I read most of these through the Brooklyn Public Library using Libby, and through HOOPLA, the LAPL app. HOOPLA has a ton of stuff, and all you need is to write down an LA address to get a virtual library card. (And just saying, they don’t do anything to confirm that’s your actual address...)

MY LIST with favorites bolded (in the order I read them)

The first bad man, Miranda July  

Can’t we talk about something more pleasant, roz chast

Killing and Dying, Adrian Tomine

The Idiot, Elif Batuman

Bad Friends, Ancco 

Fully coherent plan: for a better society, David Shrigley

Through a Life, Tom Haugomat

A Body Worth Defending, Ed Cohen

The Hospital Suite, John Porcellini

Excuse Me, Liana Finck

Ongoingness, Sarah Manguso

The Romance of Tristan, Beroul

Two Kinds of Decay, Sarah Manguso

Unfinished Business, Vivian Gornick

300 Arguments, Sarah Manguso 

No one belongs here more than you, Miranda July

Anti-Diet, Christy Harrison

Women, Chloe Caldwell

Romance or the End, Elaine Kahn

How to Murder Your Life, Cat Marnell

Rubyfruit Jungle, Rita Mae Brown

A Body Undone, Christina Crosby

Delta of Venus, Anaïs Nin

Sick, Porochista Khakpour 

Autobiography of Red, Anne Carson

Eros the Bittersweet, Anne Carson

Norma Jean Baker of Troy, Anne Carson

Hunger, Roxanne Gay

Grief Sequence, Prageeta Sharma 

The Undying, Anne Boyer

Illness as Metaphor, Susan Sontag

Gut Feminism, Elizabeth A. Wilson

Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski

Practicalities, Marguerite Duras

The Soft Life, Bridgette Talone

Look at Me, Anita Brookner

The Cancer Diaries, Audre Lorde

Zami, Audre Lorde

Fearing the Black Body, Sabrina Strings

Unbearable lightness, Portia di Rossi

The Art of Cruelty, Maggie Nelson

The Marriage Plot, Jeffrey Eugenides

The Red Parts, Maggie Nelson

Jazz, Toni Morrison

The Virgin Suicides, Jeffrey Eugenides

Motherless Brooklyn, Jonathan Lethem

Pain Studies, Lisa Olstein

The Left Hand of Darkness, Ursula k. Le Guin

Song of Achilles, Madeline Miller

Catalogue of Unabashed Gratitude, Ross Gay

Coeur de Leon, Ariana Reines

On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous, Ocean Vuong

TOP 10 Books (in no order)

The Cancer Diaries, Audre Lorde

Song of Achilles, Madeline Miller

Eros the Bittersweet, Anne Carson

Unfinished Business, Vivian Gornick

The Marriage Plot, Jeffrey Eugenides

Autobiography of Red, Anne Carson

Zami, Audre Lorde

 Catalogue of Unabashed Gratitude, Ross Gay

Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski

Coeur de Lion, Ariana Reines

Favorite queer books

Song of Achilles, Madeline Miller

Rubyfruit Jungle, Rita Mae Brown

The Cancer Diaries, Audre Lorde

Zami, Audre Lorde

Autobiography of Red, Anne Carson

On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous, Ocean Vuong

Catalogue of Unabashed Gratitude, Ross Gay

Favorite books about illness

Sick, Porochista Khakpour

A Body Undone, Christina Crosby

The Cancer Diaries, Audre Lorde

The Undying, Anne Boyer

Gut Feminism, Elizabeth A. Wilson

Pain Studies, Lisa Olstein

Two Kinds of Decay, Sarah Manguso

Favorite graphic novels

Through a Life, Tom Haugomat

The Hospital Suite, John Porcellini

Excuse Me, Liana Finck

Can’t we talk about something more pleasant? Roz Chast

Killing and Dying, Adrian Tomin

Favorite nonfiction

Fearing the Black Body, Sabrina Strings

Anti-Diet, Christy Harrison

The Art of Cruelty, Maggie Nelson

Gut-Feminism, Elizabeth A. Wilson

Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski

A Body Worth Defending, Ed Cohen

AND..... if you’re interested in seeing my thoughts on each book.....

A Complete List of Every Book I Read in 2020 and My Thoughts (listed in the order read)

The first bad man, Miranda July

This book is absolutely wild, and I greatly enjoyed it – I don’t think it’s everyone’s cup of tea, but if you’re looking for something very funny, surreal and visceral, I’d recommend. I described it to my friend as like if my psyche wrote a book, or like a very true dream. I enjoyed her collection of short stories, No One Belongs Here More Than You, more - but they’re both excellent.

Killing and Dying, Adrian Tomine

This was the first graphic novel I read this year. Zadie Smith said about this book, “Adrian Tomine has more ideas in twenty panels than novelists have in a lifetime,” so I was very intrigued. It reminds me a lot of Nick Drnaso’s Sabrina which is one of my favorite (if not my favorite) graphic novels. I love the book’s minimalist style, and bits of it felt like getting punched emotionally – so I’d recommend if you’re looking for that!

Can’t we talk about something more pleasant? Roz Chast

Roz Chast’s memoir about her parent’s final years is incredibly funny and beautifully done. I think New York Jews will especially enjoy – but I’d recommend to anyone!

The Idiot, Elif Batuman

For whatever reason, this book really grated on my nerves and I was not a fan. Batuman writes about a freshman at Harvard studying linguistics and writing emails to this man I wanted to punch. A lot of people love this book, so I definitely wouldn’t say not to read it – perhaps it just triggered too much of my anxiety from freshman year of college to be pleasurable. I find it similar to Jeffrey Eugenides’ The Marriage Plot, but I liked The Marriage Plot significantly more. 

Bad Friends, Ancco 

Content warning for abuse/violence – this graphic novel is really dark, and the violence is quite graphic. But overall, I thought it was beautifully done – and I really love the author’s drawing style. 

Fully coherent plan: for a better society, David Shrigley

I love David Shrigley – this book is really silly, and I honestly just picked it up from the library because the outside looks fun. It’s a quick read mostly made up of minimalist drawings – so if you want something not-too-serious that will make you laugh, I’d recommend.

Through a life, Tom Haugomat

I also grabbed this from the library because it looked pretty (oops). I absolutely love this illustrator (he’s worth following on Insta even if you don’t read this book). It’s a series of illustrations of a boy that wants to be an astronaut, and it’s one of the most astoundingly beautiful things I’ve read this year. There are no words, and I nearly cried at the end.

A Body Worth Defending, Ed Cohen

This book discusses the history/construction of autoimmunity, and how the idea of a body “attacking itself” is inherently biopolitical. As someone with an autoimmune disorder, I found this book fascinating, but it’s also really dense so I’d just recommend if you have a particular interest in autoimmunity.

The Hospital Suite, John Porcellini

Done by the author of King Cat, this graphic novel follows the protagonist through a series of different severe medical problems. I thought it was really well done and would recommend if you’re interested in art about chronic illness. 

Excuse Me, Liana Finck

I’m obsessed with everything Liana Finck does – if you don’t follow her on Instagram you should! – and this book was no exception. It’s very funny and poignant – if you like her cartoons, you’d definitely enjoy!

Ongoingness, Sarah Manguso

My friend recommended this to me a few years ago, and I recently reread. Sarah Manguso writes about her lifelong pursuit of keeping a hyper-meticulous diary, which fascinated me as someone who used to do this, too. It’s a very quick read and made me think more deeply about the desire to constantly record ones’ life as a protection against passing time. 

The Romance of Tristan, Beroul

This book is wild – I read it for a class. It’s a medieval book that doesn’t really make sense and I do not think you should read it unless you are also taking a class on Medieval Drugs.

Two Kinds of Decay, Sarah Manguso

Here, Manguso writes about her autoimmune blood disorder, and her suicidal depression, relating the experience of her first flare when she was in college. Big content warning for graphic depictions of hospitals/illness/needles etc., as well as depression. I found it interesting, but I cannot overstate how graphic and upsetting this book is.

Unfinished Business, Vivian Gornick

Absolutely one of the best books I read this year. I saw Vivian Gornick talk at Pomona and was floored. Here, Gornick writes about being a chronic-re reader, and discusses some of her favorite books and how her relationship changed with them throughout time. I found myself underlining everything, her prose is just so wonderful. I think everyone should read this. 

300 Arguments, Sarah Manguso 

I like Sarah Manguso, so I ordered this. It’s a set of interconnected aphorisms like “Bad art is from no one to no one.” Manguso is clearly brilliant and this book is very well written – it’s just a bit too minimalist for me. I would definitely recommend Ongoingness if you want to read something by her.

No one belongs here more than you, Miranda July

I am obsessed with this short story collection. Again, don’t think Miranda July is everyone’s cup of tea, but the stories were so viscerally weird in a way that really resonated with me.

Anti-Diet, Christy Harrison

I’ve listened to Christy Harrison’s podcast Food Psych for a while now, so was very excited when her book came out. The book focuses on (in Harrison’s words) “Reclaim[ing] your time, money, health, and happiness from our toxic diet culture.” As someone in ED recovery, this book/Harrison’s work in general have changed my life (which I do not say lightly!) – anyone who struggles with body image/their relationship with food should absolutely read this.

Women, Chloe Caldwell

I read this because a girl on Tinder told me too (lol) – it’s about a woman’s sexual awakening and relationship with this woman, Finn, who reminds me of a lot of hot women I follow on Tik Tok that wear suits and look mean. It takes a minute to get into. I overall enjoyed it, and was touched by the book at the end, but found a lot of the prose to be pretty clunky. So, would I recommend – I don’t know, maybe?

Romance or the End, Elaine Kahn

My friend recommended this book of poetry to me. Elaine Kahn is so talented and writes so beautifully – another book where I found myself underlining everything. Would definitely recommend!

How to Murder Your Life, Cat Marnell

Cat Marnell’s memoir recounts her struggles with bulimia and addiction while working as a beauty editor. I found it enthralling and hard to put down. I recommended it to a friend who had to put it down because it was too stressful. I think it’s a great book, but not for everyone. 

Rubyfruit Jungle, Rita Mae Brown

If the meaning of the title intrigues you, I would definitely recommend. This coming-of-age story follows Brown’s childhood, and relationships with women. I thought I liked Women by Chloe Caldwell until I read this book. Very gay, very good!!!! I could not put it down!

A Body Undone, Christina Crosby

In this memoir, Crosby writes about queerness/disability through the lens of her experience after a bicycle accident that left her paralyzed. If you want something gay with lots of theory, this book is for you! Fun fact: Crosby is the friend Nelson writes about in The Argonauts. As a heads up, though, the descriptions of pain can be pretty graphic/triggering. 

Delta of Venus, Anaïs Nin

I wanted to read something by Anaïs Nin and this is absolutely NOT what I should have read. Nin wrote this erotica for a man who didn’t like romance and wanted her to skip to the sex – the foreword is basically her ranting about the man who commissioned her to write this work. There’s a lot of (unsurprisingly) incest, as well as depictions of rape/assault. I do not recommend. 

Sick, Porochista Khakpour 

Sick is a memoir about Khakpour’s experience living with lyme disease, and her struggle to attain a diagnosis and proper treatment. I didn’t know anything about lyme, so found this book very enlightening. I’d add it to your list if you’re interested in memoirs of chronic illness.

Eros the Bittersweet, Anne Carson

I read this book because a character in the L Word talked about it (oops….). But wow, this is truly one of the best things I’ve ever read (thanks Marina!). Even Carson’s prose is breathtakingly poetic – she stitches together Sappho’s writing, Greek myths & critical theory so seamlessly. I felt like a different person when I finished.

Autobiography of Red, Anne Carson

I absolutely loved this book. Autobiography of Red is a love story between two men based on a Greek myth. It feels surprisingly epic, despite being a pretty short read. It feels a bit like the long-form-poem version of Song of Achilles. (If you read this book and enjoyed it, absolutely read Song of Achilles).

Norma Jean Baker of Troy, Anne Carson

I love Anne Carson, but I didn’t enjoy this book as much as the others. Maybe it’s because it’s a performance piece and I read it rather than watching it be performed, or maybe I just didn’t get it. 

Hunger, Roxanne Gay

In this memoir, Roxanne Gay writes about her rape (so content warning for that, as there are very graphic descriptions), and her relationship with her body. This is one of the most brutally honest books I’ve encountered about food, body image and eating disorders – Gay does not sanitize her self-blame and self-hatred – and it’s an important counternarrative to how fatness is commonly represented in the media. I would not recommend it if you’re in the depths of an ED or early on in ED recovery because it’s pretty triggering. I think it’s an important read, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable just telling anyone to read it off the bat.

Grief Sequence, Prageeta Sharma 

Prageeta Sharma is a Pomona professor who is wonderful, so I was very excited to read her book. Grief Sequence is an evocative, moving, and incredibly powerful story of Sharma losing her husband to cancer. It made me even more excited to work with her, and I would definitely recommend especially if you go to the 5cs!

The Undying, Anne Boyer

I’m not sure exactly what to call The Undying – maybe memoir, maybe autofiction? But Boyer combines narrative about her own experience with breast cancer with cultural criticism, drawing on both her experience as a poet and an essayist. This book was definitely one of my favorite works about illness I’ve read this year.

Illness as Metaphor, Susan Sontag

I found this book interesting, but not my favorite of what I’ve read about chronic illness. Sontag writes about how tuberculosis and cancer take on particular cultural symbolism – did you know that tuberculosis was associated with sexual desirability? I did not! Perhaps the piece wasn’t as interesting to me because people don’t tend to get tuberculosis anymore. If you’re particularly interested in TB/cancer, or if you’re writing your thesis about chronic illness I would read, but otherwise, not sure I I’d recommend.

Gut Feminism, Elizabeth A. Wilson

This book discusses depression through the lens of the gut, arguing for feminists to incorporate biological data into their analysis. It’s pretty dense, so I’d only recommend if depression, anti-depressants, and the politics of the gut are particularly interesting to you. But as someone interested in those things, great read!

Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski

Here, Nagoski discusses female sexuality and arousal in a way that made me realize I actually knew nothing about how female arousal works. For example, did you know wetness ≠ arousal? I didn’t! This book truly revolutionized how I think about sex/sexuality. The only caveat is that the book does center on the experiences of cis women (which the author does admit in a disclaimer at the beginning), so I hope that there are future works that touch on the same ideas in more inclusive ways. 

Practicalities, Marguerite Duras

I really like Marguerite Duras – The Lover is one of my favorite books – but this book didn’t really do it for me. Duras is brilliant, but parts of it felt a bit mundane/dated. A lot of people love this book, though, so I feel like it’s just me!

The Soft Life, Bridgette Talone

I made a goal for myself to read more poetry this year, since I usually read mostly prose. This is an example of the kind of poetry I struggle reading – l am less drawn to poetry that completely strays away from narrative – and this book was a bit too abstract for me. There’s beautiful imagery, it just felt like it went over my head. But it was recommended by a friend whose taste I greatly respect, so maybe it’s for you and just no for me!

Look at Me, Anita Brookner

This book took me a while to finish. Look at Me follows a librarian and aspiring novelist in her friendship with a glamorous couple. It’s very dry, witty, observant, and brilliantly satirical. I’m very glad I finished it, but it took a while to get pulled in.

The Cancer Diaries, Audre Lorde

Lorde writes about loving women, and her experience with breast cancer. It’s a collection of entries from her journal, combined with meditations on these entries. So, so very beautiful! Also very heartbreaking. This might be my favorite book I’ve read about illness. 

Zami, Audre Lorde 

Lorde’s wonderful coming-of-age novel covers her life growing up in New York, and her relationships with different women. It took me a bit to get into it, but once I did it was addictive to read. Certain scenes are just so breathtakingly vivid, and I don’t think I’ve read anyone who writes as well as Lorde about loving women. Also, she went to my high school, so that part was very wild to read – definitely recommend in particular to fellow Hunterites!

Fearing the Black Body, Sabrina Strings

I’ve wanted to read this book ever since listening to Strings on one of my favorite podcasts (FoodPsych). This book discusses the historical construction of thinness as an ideal tied to whiteness – it’s very well written and illuminating. I feel like the idealization of thinness is something that is often really tolerated and encouraged in liberal spaces (*cough* Claremont colleges *cough*), so definitely recommend. If you don’t have time for the book, I’d definitely suggest checking out the podcast episode!

Unbearable Lightness, Portia di Rossi

This memoir discusses di Rossi’s experience with anorexia/bulimia, and her relationship with her queerness. I read it in a day, I was so engrossed. However, I wouldn’t recommend to anyone in early stages of ED recovery, or in the thrust of an eating disorder. 

The Art of Cruelty, Maggie Nelson

If you have read other works by Maggie Nelson and enjoyed them, and are interested in literature about cruelty, I’d recommend! It’s more theoretical than her other works and it’s pretty dense – I’ll definitely have to read it again to fully ‘get’ it. But Nelson is such a brilliant cultural critic that it’s a pleasure to read anything she writes. Like “truth in art is but a feeling”?? Yes!! Go off!!

The Marriage Plot, Jeffrey Eugenides

This is definitely top five of the books I’ve read this year. I was floored when I was finished. It’s set at Brown, but so many of the descriptions of campus life really resonated and amused me. The end was heart-wrenching. The prose is so evocative. I loved it.

The Red Parts, Maggie Nelson

This book focuses on the trial for the brutal murder of Nelson’s aunt by a stranger – it’s very gruesome but enthralling. I couldn’t put it down.

Jazz, Toni Morrison

I listened to the audiobook which Toni Morrison reads, which is great. Jazz is set in Harlem in the 1920s, and though it’s pretty short, it’s incredibly vivid and haunting. It’s one of the most original and intriguing narratives I’ve encountered (not even including the beauty of the prose), and unlike anything else I’ve read.

The Virgin Suicides, Jeffrey Eugenides

I read this because I loved The Marriage Plot so much. I didn’t like this as much as I liked The Marriage Plot or Middlesex. After I finished, I thought I didn’t like it, and then I listened to this podcast called Sentimental Garbage and decided I did like it after all. I was frustrated throughout the book at how obtuse the women are, but after getting over my sadness that we never figured out why the girls killed themselves, I have more appreciation for Eugenides’ vision.

Motherless Brooklyn, Jonathan Lethem

Motherless Brooklyn is different from what I usually read – it’s the only detective novel on this list – but I loved it. It’s set in my neighborhood in Brooklyn, which is particularly exciting (and why my Dad is a big Lethem stan). It’s one of the most original books I’ve ever read, and the descriptions are astoundingly innovative and vivid. It’s also really funny! And he’s a Pomona professor! My mom is reading it too for the WNYC book club, which I believe you can still join if you want.

Pain Studies, Lisa Olstein

Another illness book! Olstein writes about her experience with migraines, and also theorizes about pain. I haven’t read any book exclusively focused on pain, so this was cool! It didn’t resonate with me as much as other stuff I’ve read, but still very good.

The Left Hand of Darkness, Ursula k. Le Guin

I was very excited for this book, which is a work of sci-fi written in 1969 about a world where everyone is gender-fluid and has no sexual prejudice. I didn’t enjoy it as much as I had expected to – perhaps because the main drama of the book is finding out whether this world is going to trade with another world, and I am just not very interested in trade. Sci-fi is also not really a genre I read often, so I wouldn’t do much with the fact that this book didn’t resonate.

Song of Achilles, Madeline Miller

I’ve cried maybe six times this year and finishing this book was one of them. It’s gay. It’s Greek. It’s epic. If you liked Percy Jackson and now, you’re part of the LGBTQ community you have to read it. This is the kind of book that made me worried it had ruined all other books. I think this is a perfect book, or at least the closest I can imagine.

Catalogue of Unabashed Gratitude, Ross Gay

This book is astoundingly beautiful. A friend recommended it and said it made his writing a lot happier - which was exactly what I needed! – and this description rings true. I definitely have more trouble reading poetry than prose but found this book very powerful and engaging. I read it in one sitting.

Coeur de Leon, Ariana Reines

Absolutely one of my favorite books of poetry! Coeur de Leon embodies the exact kind of poetry I really like – the language is accessible, it’s visceral, it has a narrative – and also made me feel seen. I feel like it’s also one of those books made for people that like to write, especially about love. Very much recommend.

On Earth, We’re Briefly Gorgeous, Ocean Vuong

It took me a while to get into this one, and I felt for a while that everything was too depressing to enjoy it. While I do definitely want to revisit in post-pandemic times, I still was deeply moved. Big content warning though for drug abuse, death, and probably some other stuff I’m forgetting.

[installmentsweird]

Installments of a 25yo#11

Of Losses and Lows

[ID: A woman in an astronaut suit with tears in her eyes as she rolls them out of exhaustion.  END ID. OP: haidaspicciare]

So I have not been around, sorry about that. 

But this past month has been a ride. And not a great one. This all started in November and besides the mess that was the elections(if you live in the US, you know.) But it wasn’t all bad because I recently got a job app that I felt super confident about. It was an Associate Editor position for a research company and I thought it was perfect, my friend referred me, I had the skillset, it was the perfect marriage between my two passions;  everything was aligning. I even got three interviews including one with the president of the company! I was really excited and I finally thought that this was it, this was my start and I can quit my customer service job and never look back. I could work virtually and do something I liked and wanted to pursue.  So that took a good chunk of my time, so part 1 of why I haven’t been here. 

But then the second shoe dropped. Enter part 2.

I did not get the position, I was a very good candidate , but  my editing skills was not what they wanted. Which was fine, I  ended on a positive note with the company. It wasn’t the depression necessarily but the pure exhaustion of it all. I felt so stuck, like no matter what I did I was not going to go anywhere.  I felt so tired from my core, like I didn’t want to do anything. Like I wanted a break and a vacation and to just not. Like why couldn’t I catch a break for once, because I felt like I was putting a 110% and getting nowhere. And like every good spiral, you just take it to mean that you are a failure in every part of your life. And I don’t know I guess was a bit  at a loss.

And everyone was like don’t give up. I know they meant well, but what other choice did I have unless I wanted to die somewhere pretty? Obviously, I just needed this episode, ya know? I just needed comfort, to pick everything back up. 

[ID: a stick figure going up stairs with a clock under and it says “Planning Time” on top of the stairs. END ID. Image by: Gerd Altman from Pixabay]

So it was back to the drawing board. I needed to pick myself back up and we needed a new plan.  So I figured that even though I didn’t get the editor position at the company, that science editing is something I want to explore. So my plan is currently, to improve my editing skills, so watching classes, writing, etc. Do more for my blog and insta, because I love writing and I don’t want to be without it again;  read;  and just get back to me I guess. Try to enjoy the journey.  Who knows, but it’s gonna be ok.  Like a wise coworker once said in the middle of the flooring section: “You are 25, you do not have to have everything perfect and that’s ok, there is nothing wrong with you.” 

And I’m trying, uhmm sometimes it’s hard af, this week the frustration is bubbling and I have no patience and I may have been in bed until 5pm, but I got up. And I guess, that’s what matters. 

So guess that’s that. So we gonna try harder on this. And have fun with music, writing, books, and just life. So if you are here for this crazy ride you can follow the blog @installmentsweird​ and my insta: installmentsweird.

#jobhunt #jobapplication #installmentsofa25yo11 #low self confidence #low self everything #low self worth #low self image #defeated #exhaustion #tired of life #too tired #2020 #tryhard #110% #keepswimming #self care #hardtimes #writing

[savemefromanepicoftimewasted]

The Savior, and The Broken

Actor!Bucky Barnes X Veteran!Steve Rogers Natasha Romanoff X Reader Except, when James was old enough to finally choose a career, he couldn’t possibly imagine becoming an actor.

a/n:there are mentions of PTSD, depression, heavy drinking, heavy swearing

If you’d asked little James Barnes what he wanted to be when he grew up, he’d throw his arms out and scream that he wanted to be an astronaut.  To be close to the stars and learn all he could about the planets that surrounded us.  If you were to ask when he was older, just now turning thirteen, he’d say a doctor.  He wanted to save lives as much as he could, people were sure it was because of his best friend.  The boy was sick more often than not, forced to stay indoors while other kids played and enjoyed their childhoods.

Except, when James was old enough to finally choose a career, he couldn’t possibly imagine becoming an actor.

His family had uprooted from their small home in Brooklyn, New York to Shelbyville, Indiana.  James didn’t hate it too much, his only regret was having to leave behind his closest friend, unable to protect him anymore.

Everyone had noticed the way James grew into himself, sharp cheekbones, stone colored eyes that captivated everyone, and a smile that could melt even the coldest of hearts.  It was how he’d risen to the top so quickly, taking role after role, receiving more awards than he could handle all at once.  

The fame was more than he could ever expect, gorgeous men, and women hanging off his arm at awards shows.  Movie premieres where fans were screaming his name.

Hell, he had become a household name within a few months of his first film release.

It wasn’t anything to ride home about, based off a book that was written in the early 1960’s, a story that captivated him from the very beginning.  The press release was one of his favorite times, the way the interviewers seemed to stumble over their words.

He wasn’t ignorant to his looks, knew very well how often most people talked to him solely because he caught their eye from afar.  And he’d been a little greedy himself, choosing the best looking person to go home with for the night.

At the end of the day, James seemed content and happy with how his life was going, family well taken care of, a house that was paid off before he could blink, and a career that was steadily rising.

There was just one thing missing, and he couldn’t put his finger on exactly what that could be.

OOO ~~~ James stood inside the kitchen, sipping a glass of whiskey his father had pushed into his hand the moment he arrived.  

They were celebrating Becca graduating from college, she’d gone to school to become a nurse, and had graduated top of her class.  James was very proud of her, hugging her tightly and giving her a few gifts he’d bought.

He knew better than to buy anything overly expensive, she’d refuse and give it back to him within mere seconds.  So he went with simple things instead.  Bath bombs to help relax her after the years of stress she’d dealt with, some scented candles, and a weighted blanket for nights she seemed too strung out to sleep.

“Thanks Bucky, you’re the best.” She wrapped her arms around him, laughing as he squeezed her tighter.

“Only the best for my sis, so you let your husband know who's clearly number one priority.” James snickered, catching Becca’s fists before she could sock him in the arm.

Winnie, and George Barnes were supportive of both their kids, wanting nothing but the best for them.  James had been nervous to get into the acting business, watching the way it could tear even the strongest people apart.  It wasn’t until he’d gotten a manager that things seemed to fall into place.

Sam Wilson was a godsend, and James had no problem admitting that Sam kept him sane most of the time.  He’d set up interviews for him, or appearances on shows that had been emailing him almost hourly some days.

“You happy to be home?” Becca took the glass from his hand, finishing off the last of the whiskey.

“For now, I’m gonna be on Jimmy Fallon later this week, Sam’s been talking with his people to see which day works best.” James shrugged lightly, unsure what to do with the information he was telling her.

Becca had always been fascinated by James after he’d become famous, asking about all the different celebrity friends he had.  And sure, he had plenty of celebrity friends, but he didn’t see them as more than normal people.

“I ran into an old friend by the way, Natasha Romanoff.” James felt his blood run cold.

The woman instilled fear in him from the very moment they had met, mainly the fact that she was a woman you did not fuck over.  Not unless you were willing to risk losing a finger, or your life.  She’d been closer to Steve when they first met, and he’d secretly hoped she kept an eye on him after he moved away.

“How’s she doing?  I haven’t seen her since before we moved.” It wasn’t a lie, James’ life had become too busy for him to even breathe.

“She’s good, married actually.” That surprised James, Natasha seemed like the type of woman who preferred solace, so whoever she’d met had a lot of courage.

“That’s surprising.” Becca raised a brow at her older brother, a smirk pulling up her lips.

He knew better than to take the bait, if he said the wrong thing Becca would relay the message to Nat, and he’d wake up with something disgusting in his house.  Speaking from experience of course.

“I met her, she seems perfect for Nat actually.” Oh, that was another shock to James’ mind.

“So not only is she married, but she married a woman, huh.” James rubbed his chin, beard coarse beneath his fingers.

“Her names Y/N, I think she keeps Nat grounded, which is a blessing in disguise for her.” Becca turned, leaving her brother stunned on the porch.

Maybe he could reach out and get into contact with her, see how life has changed since he moved to the middle of nowhere, and then became known wherever he went.

James stayed late into the night, congratulating Becca one last time before he headed back to his apartment.  Alpine was sleeping peacefully on her little cat bed, stretching almost lazily as James set his keys into the bowl beside his door.

“Hey sweetheart, sorry I kept you waiting all night.” James ran his fingers over her fur, smiling as she butted her head into his hand.

James headed down to his bedroom, stripping down to his boxers and plopping down onto the bed with a long sigh.  His phone dinged, vibrating soon after.

Becca had sent him Natasha’s insta, and twitter.  Well, here’s to hoping she doesn’t rip him apart for disappearing all those years ago.

He opened instagram first, checking to see when her latest post was.  Damn, she hadn’t put up a new photo in almost a month, maybe twitter would be more helpful.

The moment he clicked on her profile, he noticed she’d tweeted not even three minutes prior.  He hit follow, and sent her a direct message letting her know who he was, as if his own twitter wasn’t as obvious.

She followed back, and replied to his message as he was playing with Alpine.

RedHeadAssassin:Holy shit, I thought Becca was joking when she said you were in town, how’s hollywood treating you?

James frowned, why would Becca lie about him being in town?  He didn’t stay in New York very often anymore, it was just easier to stay in LA.

JamesBBarnes:Not too bad, I actually have a late night interview this week, so I have to be in town for the next few weeks. RedHeadAssassin:Ahh gotcha, I’m assuming Becca told you that I’m married lol JamesBBarnes:She did, honestly never thought you’d settle down, you always seemed happy by yourself. RedHeadAssassin:You’d be surprised the people you can meet in the army, maybe you can meet her if you’re not too busy James debated, he had almost every day, except for thursday, friday, and saturday completely open for whatever he wanted to do. JamesBBarnes:If you’re not busy tomorrow, I’m completely free. RedHeadAssassin:I have tomorrow off, so you’re in luck, meet me at Benny’s at noon, night Bucky. James sighed, very few people knew about that nickname, aside from his family, only about four people called him Bucky.  Otherwise, he went by his actual name, even if it seemed so formal for his personal taste.

“Well, guess I’m gonna hang out with Nat tomorrow.” James patted the bed gently, watching as Alpine walked over to where he was, plopping onto her side.

Surely things hadn’t changed too much, he’d only been away for the last fifteen years. OOO ~~~ James stepped into the small diner, keeping the collar of his coat pulled up around his face to keep anyone from noticing who he was. Natasha was sitting in a back corner, a stunning woman sat beside her, arm looped loosely around her waist.  That could only mean one thing, James was going to see an old friend, and her wife after years of not speaking.

“Hey, honestly thought you’d gotten lost.” Nat smirked up at James, watching as he took off his jacket and slid into the booth.

“You try being on almost every billboard outside and not get stopped a million and one times.” James wasn’t complaining though, far from it.

They ordered their food and drinks, talking about what had changed when James moved away.  Natasha, and a few other friends had joined the army, though not everyone had come home safe and sound.

“Is..Is Steve still around?” James hadn’t said his name in years, pushing the memories far into the back of his mind.

“Oh, you don’t know then.” Natasha held her glass tighter, sighing softly.

James felt his throat close, what the hell does that mean?

“He joined the army after his dad kicked him out, and he was the definition of a perfect soldier, but before I continue, you need to promise me you won’t make a scene.” Natasha stared down the other man, waiting until he could verbally respond.

“I promise.” Though James’ voice was a whisper, it seemed good enough for Natasha.

Y/N comforted Natasha while she took a few moments to compose herself, eyes red with unshed tears.

“He was on a recon mission when his Humvee was hit, everyone else died, except for Steve.” Natasha turned away, burying her face into Y/N’s neck.

The other woman comforted her wife, whispering softly, too soft for James to be able to pick up whatever she was saying.

“He was captured, the only reason anyone was able to find him was a tracker they put into his gear.  They had him for over two years, did absolutely unspeakable things, he hadn’t seen sunlight the entire time.  The same man who went into that war, wasn’t the same man who came home.” Natasha took a slow breath, wiping her cheeks until the tears stopped.

Steve had gone through something so traumatic it killed the strongest of men, and James was none the wiser.

“Does anyone know where he is?” James felt hopeful, he absolutely needed to see Steve, needed to see that he was alive for himself.

“No, last I heard he was living on the street, he can’t hold down a job because of his PTSD, and the army hadn’t paid him for his service, and everything that happened.” Natasha was seething, more angry at the way her best friend had been treated, tossed aside once he was back home.

The walls seemed to be closing in on James, shock written clearly over his features, hands shaking atop of the table.

“Jesus, I need to find him Nat, please.” James was desperate, there was no other way to explain it.

“He’s not the same kid you remember Bucky, he’s someone else now, you have to remember that.” Natasha wasn’t going to let James off the hook.

He needed to see Steve for himself, to see the horrors he’d had to go through for years before rescue finally came.  How would he react to seeing James?  Would he be happy to see an old friend?  Or would he tell James to leave him alone, that he didn’t need anyone else by his side?

Sam had called a little after three, letting James know his interview was set up for thursday, the episode would be airing on friday.  He could work with that, it’d give him at least two days to try and find Steve.

Becca had told him it wouldn’t be that easy, not with how many people lived in the city of Brooklyn alone.  It wasn’t going to deter James though, he needed to find the man in question, and get some damn answers.

OOO ~~~ “Jesus, they made a movie about his heroism, but didn’t bother to actually credit him, no wonder he went awol.” James frowned down at his phone.

They’d used Steve’s name, saying how he often put himself in the middle of danger to keep his troops safe.  It sounded exactly like Steve, unable to back down from a fight, no matter how dangerous it was.  But when it came to actually giving Steve the credit he rightfully deserved, they claimed he hadn’t wanted to step forwards.

“They wanted to make money off his name, and his image without paying him for it, people do it all the time Buck.” Sam sounded as if he was frowning, though James didn’t doubt that for a second.

“It’s what they do, need to make money off someone who can’t legally defend himself anymore.  How much did it make in sales?” James was terrified to hear the number, to know how much his best friend had been fucked over.

Sam was quiet for a moment, and James wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad silence.  It wasn’t until it stretched on for a good thirty seconds that he began to panic.

“They didn’t make anything off the movie, according to google it bombed when it hit box offices.” James sighed with relief, who cares if the studio lost out on money, they didn’t deserve it in the first place.

James glanced out the window, taking in the gray skies that seemed to stretch on forever.  His driver was quiet, waiting patiently for the light to turn green.  A man was walking down the street, it looked like he was asking people for any spare change.

A few people gave him a couple of dollars, others ignoring him completely.  It was obvious to James that the man was homeless, from the dirt that seemed to cover every inch of him, to torn jacket he wore to protect from the cold breeze.

James hit the button to roll down his window, ready to hand over whatever bills were in his wallet, the other man could use it a hell of a lot more than he could anyway.

“Here.” James held out the money, ignoring how much was in his hand in favor of hoping he didn’t piss off the other man.

Three things happened in that moment, the gentleman took the money from James’ hand, glanced up, and locked eyes with him.  In that very second James realized who exactly was standing on the sidewalk.

“Steve?” James’ voice was barely a whisper, eyes wide as he took in the other man, or at least what was left of him.

His eyes widened with fear, feet pushing him down the street until he was completely out of James’ sight.  He turned in his seat, telling Paul to pull over so he could get out and try and find where Steve had run off to.

The streets were thriving with people heading on with their day, and it annoyed James, mostly because he was afraid Steve would be long gone.  The only thing he could do was try and search for the jacket he’d been wearing, it wasn’t something he’d seen very often.  He ran until his lungs were screaming for air, forcing James to stop and take a breath.

The alley beside him seemed deserted, bringing James’ spirits down immensely, until the sound of someone coughing caught his attention.  He wasn’t alone, and there was a slim chance that it was even Steve inside the alley.

“Hello?” James stepped in slowly, being careful of his surroundings.

“Shit.” The coughing ceased, if only for a few moments before coming back louder than before.

James was closer than he expected to be, nervously stepping over to the man that seemed to be struggling with the coughing fit.

“You need to leave.” Steve’s shoulders shuddered as he struggled to take in air, body curled in on itself.

“Steve, what happened?” James kept his feet firmly planted on the ground, giving space to the man who needed it.

Steve shook his head, hands shaking as he reached up to pull off the beanie he’d been wearing.  His hair looked unkempt, dirty from the lack of washing.

“I know you probably never want to see me again, but at least let me take you to my apartment so you can shower, and get a decent meal.” James was fighting a losing battle.

He knew well enough that Steve would deny him til the end of time, saying that he was perfectly fine enough to be on his own.  James knew better though, Steve clearly needed someone to keep an eye on him.

“Fine.” Goddamnit, he knew Steve was going to-. “Wait, you’re actually going to come with me?” James felt his head spin, that was a shock he wasn’t expecting to deal with.

“Yes, now let’s go before I change my mind.” Steve pushed himself off the ground, following James to the car that was still waiting for him.

Paul drove them back to James’ apartment, keeping any words or thoughts to himself as he weaved throughout the thick traffic.  Any of James’ clothes would surely fit Steve, especially since it seemed that he’d lost a lot of weight over the years.

He put in a large order of food to be delivered, taking Steve inside so no one else could bother them.

“The bathrooms down on the right, I’ll leave some clothes out for you to change into, food should be here in about an hour.” James nodded, watching as Steve made his way down to the bathroom.

The apartment was silent, save for the sound of the shower running, as James ran around and began to clean up.  He set the clothes on top of the sink, taking Steve’s dirty clothes to be washed.  He knew there was no way he’d be able to convince him to stay, so he could at least send him out in something that was clean and warm.

Steve didn’t emerge from the bathroom for nearly forty five minutes, a cloud of steam following as he opened the door.  James had been right, the clothes fit Steve almost perfectly, even a little baggy as he watched the other man tie the waist tighter to prevent his pants from falling.

How could this happen to someone so strong?  Willing to risk their life for the people around them just to protect them.  James could see the shadows beneath his eyes, the way his cheeks looked almost hollow.

Before James could make any comment, the food had arrived.  He quickly signed and took the bags from the kids hand, making sure to tip him generously.  He was feeding someone that needed food more than usual, so he may have gone overboard.

Steve piled food onto his plate, making sure to eat slowly so he didn’t make himself sick and lose the urge to eat altogether.  James kept his eyes down on his plate as he ate, making sure Steve didn’t feel pressured to talk about anything that was going on.

“I got an honorable discharge after I was found, they tried to act like that was good enough for what happened to me.” Steve angrily stabbed a piece of broccoli, shoving it into his mouth.

“Jesus, you were basically on your own, and that’s the best they could do?” James could see a faint scar hidden underneath the t-shirt he had on.

He wanted to show the world how much Steve had gone through, that he deserved better than what he was dealt, but he knew Steve would only hate him for it.  He’d do anything he could to keep Steve safe, even if it meant letting him go again.

“I want you to stay here, please.” James didn’t lift his eyes from his plate, knowing Steve would deny him.

“Why?” Steve set down his fork, staring down the man across from him.

He was hoping Steve hadn’t asked him that question just yet, he hadn’t formally come up with a game plan.

“Steve, it’s getting colder outside, you look like you’re one cold away from death.” James frowned, setting down his own fork.

Steve’s gaze darkened, fury plain as day on his face.  James needed to stop talking before he really pissed him off.

“I’ve done just fine on my own for the last five years, I don’t need your pity.” Despite his anger towards James, Steve polished off his plate of food, taking the takeout container and eating what was left in there as well.

James kept his mouth shut, afraid he’d do more damage by saying what was on his mind than not.  What would he do when he had to work though?  Sam would be apprehensive to leave Steve completely alone, it made sense.  James didn’t trust many people in his apartment alone, let alone someone he hadn’t seen for years.

Maybe he could talk with Natasha, see if she could find somewhere for him to stay until James could get back.

James:Hey, I ran into Steve, is there any way you could find somewhere for him to stay?  I’m leaving for London next week, and I really don’t want him to be on the street. Nat:Buck, you can’t seriously be asking me that right now, I have enough to worry about as it is, and the last time I saw Steve he told me to rot in hell.

James:Please Nat, you know I wouldn’t ask for anything else, I just need to know that he’s safe. Nat:I’m sorry, I can’t.

James gave up after Natasha ignored the next three texts he sent, it was a lost cause, and now there was nothing he could do except try to convince Steve to stay.

The man had already dealt with enough, and James wasn’t helping comfort him in the moment.

OOO ~~~ James sat patiently, waiting for his cue to head out onto the stage.  Steve was still inside James’ apartment, promising he wouldn’t leave until James had to leave for London.  That of course didn’t make the other man feel any better, made him feel worse in fact.

“You all know our next guest, from starring in We Have Always Lived in the Castle, to starring in his latest film Destroyer, please welcome James Barnes!” Jimmy’s voice echoed over the stage, the crowd cheering excitedly.

James made his way out, waving to the crowd before heading over to where Jimmy stood, along with the first guest that had gone on before him.  He couldn’t remember her name off the top of his head, though that was due to the underlying fear that Steve had left while he was gone.

“Thank you for coming on the show.” Jimmy sat down, leaning against his desk to be closer to where James had sat down.

“Thank you for having me, it’s been a little while since I’ve gotten to be on the show.” James smirked lacing his fingers together to keep them from shaking.

The interview went by smoothly, leaving James a little more relaxed than he had been before he went out to the show.  The other guest, whose name he’d finally remembered was Sharon, made small talk as he waited for Sam to show up.

“I thought you played a very convincing asshole, and yet you’re such a nice person in real life.” Sharon blushed softly, turning away to hide behind her hair.

“Thanks, I got the script and thought it sounded really interesting, I couldn’t help but take it.” James slid his hands into his pockets, fighting the urge to call and see if Steve was home.

Sam showed up soon after, letting James know that the car was there to take him home.  He bid Sharon a good night, and headed on his way out.  There were paparazzi outside, something James had come to expect everywhere he went.

The fear was building in his chest, the closer they got to his apartment, the more dread began to cloud his mind.  It was obvious that Steve had left, just because he’d promised James he’d stay, didn’t mean he was being forced to.

Sam went inside first, checking to see if anything was missing when they arrived.  Everything was right where it was supposed to be, except for Steve.  A note sat on the kitchen table, letting James know that while Steve knew they were once friends, he couldn’t stand by and become a leech on his friend.

Bucky, I’m sorry I couldn’t be here when you came home.  I just can’t bear the thought of taking advantage of you, please don’t come looking for me. Steve James felt his throat tighten, tears slipping down his cheeks slowly as he read the short note over, and over again.  This wasn’t his real life, he was still dreaming and this was all just a nightmare.  Sam had cleared the area, letting James know that Steve was truly gone.  

“You know you need to let him live his life, right?” Sam stepped over, placing a gentle hand onto James’ shoulder.

“I haven’t seen the man since I was basically a kid, Sam, I can’t lose him again.” James sighed softly, running a hand through his hair.

“I know that, but you have to understand things from his perspective, Steve’s known this life for a lot longer than you may realize.  Leave him alone.” Sam didn’t wait for James to answer, turning away and heading to the kitchen.

James couldn’t do that though, he was determined to figure out where he’d gone wrong in the past, to find out what had happened to someone he’d called a best friend for so long.

“I swear to god, if you go out there when he asked to be left alone, I’ll put on twitter that you sleep with a Cap bear.” James whipped around, staring the other man down.

“Sam, you need to understand where I’m coming from.” James was desperate at this rate.

“Bucky, the man was in the military, there’s underlying issues beyond something that even you could begin to help him deal with, leave it alone.” Sam sighed, picking up his phone to check through emails.

Could he handle letting go of something from his past?  6 Months Later James stared down at his hands, nervously shaking as he took slow, deliberate breaths to prevent himself from truly freaking out.  All he had to do was head out onto the stage, talk about the nominees for a minute, and announce who’d won.  So, why the fuck was James freaking out as if he was asked to murder the president?

Because Natasha had gotten in contact with him mere hours before the show, letting him know that Steve was in the hospital.  He’d nearly gotten himself killed, starting a fight when he was too sick, and too weak to truly defend himself.  Steve was back in New York, too far for James to be able to do anything .

The awards show went by smoothly, James, fortunate for his own sake, managed to keep his calm while on stage.  If he was secretly booking a flight to New York the moment he was able to leave, no one else needed to know that.  No one needed to know that James was planning on doing something reckless.

Sam wasn’t even aware of what he’d had planned, oblivious to the fact that his friend was going to fly out within an hour after the show ended.  James turned down every offer to go to the after parties, claiming he’d had important work to attend to, that couldn’t wait. 

It wasn’t an entire lie though.

The flight seemed to drag on for hours, James’ nerves on edge as they slowly began to ascend from the air.  What could he possibly say to him?  To truly explain how he was back in New York so soon?  He’d hoped that Natasha would meet him at the hospital, take him to where Steve was being held so he didn’t have to face him alone.

With a begrudging sigh, James took his suitcase and headed down to the hospital where Steve was being held.  He could faintly see Natasha and Y/N when the cab finally pulled up, Nat’s arms wrapped tight around her wife’s waist.

“I’m sorry, traffic was a nightmare, and the flight almost got delayed.” James set down his suitcase, unbuttoning his jacket with a soft sigh.

“You were in LA, I can’t exactly get pissed off at you for that.” Nat turned, pulling Y/N with her gently as she headed back inside.

James grabbed his things, following close behind.  The nurse behind the station seemed calm, and yet unnerved at the same time.  How often did she see people like Steve be brought in?

“This is a free clinic, so there hasn’t been much they’re able to do for him, he’s being kept in one of the actual rooms so that he doesn’t hurt anyone else.” James was baffled, Steve never tried to fight anyone unless he saw them as a bully.

Natasha stepped into the room first, gently holding Y/N’s arms before leading her inside as well.  The sight that greeted them was one that James would remember for the rest of his life.

Steve was bloody, and bruised, he looked thinner than the last time James had seen him as well, the skin that wasn’t beaten bloody was ghostly pale.  Had he gotten into drugs?  Gone off the deep end and unable to pull himself back from the edge? 

“They said someone heard him in an alley, he was calling out your name.” That struck James, Steve had been calling out for him?  And when he needed him most he couldn’t be there?

“Is he going to be alright?” James dropped his things by the door, stepping over to Steve’s bedside.

Nat didn’t say anything, watching as James took Steve’s hand gently between both of his own.  It was clear how weak Steve had become.  The tube shoved down his throat nearly made James gag, horrified of what had happened.

“He needed all of us to be there for him, and no one bothered to listen for his cries for help.” Nat wiped her tears, watching the only man she’d ever truly called a best friend wither away in a hospital bed.

“If I had known, I’d have done everything I could to help him, but when we moved he and I lost contact.  I couldn’t even remember his fucking address.” James laughed bitterly, tears sliding down his cheeks.

Steve had always been stubborn, refusing to ask for help even when he so desperately needed it, and right now, staring down at the blonde, James felt no different.

“What have the doctors said?” James glanced over at Nat, still holding tightly to Steve’s limp hand.

“They don’t think he’ll pull through, his body has been put through too much stress, and he couldn’t handle it any longer.” Natasha sighed, running a hand through her hair.

“I’m transferring him to a hospital near my house, pay for the best doctors to take care of him.” James wasn’t going to back down without a fight, he needed to make right for his wrongs.

OOO ~~~ James watched as Steve slowly walked down the aisle, hands gripping onto the metal bars with all the strength he could manage.  He hadn’t shaved since he’d woken up, the beard covering his face was a little shocking to James at first, until he grew to like it.  Things between them had become...complicated over time.  James wasn’t sure he could help Steve if he was insistent on being alone.  Had he convinced the blonde to stay until he could survive on his own?  Perhaps.  

“You’ve made amazing progress so far Mr. Rogers.” The physical therapist that was helping him seemed almost too young.  Were they sure he was qualified to do this job?

Steve barely managed a smile, hands tightening on the poles as he reached the very end, plopping back down into the chair they’d placed for him there.  James knew not to walk over, to comfort his friend that was doing his best to get back on his own feet.  Steve didn’t try and hide his disdain for James, never using the nickname he’d given him when they were kids.  

“Since next week is Christmas, we’re going to have to reschedule and wait until the eighth of January.” Darcy, the receptionist who always greeted Steve kindly, handed him the card that held the new date.

God, how had James forgotten that Christmas was in a week?  Aside from pushing away offers for roles while he helped Steve, he just didn’t pay attention to the days.  He’d already sent his family their gifts, along with his manager, and assistant.  God bless that woman, if it wasn’t for her, he was sure his head wouldn’t be screwed on right.

That left one final person for James to buy for, and he wasn’t entirely sure Steve would be welcoming of a gift at all.  The blonde had nearly torn James apart the moment they’d arrived in his home.  He knew deep down that he deserved the hate, to listen to the spiteful words that Steve spewed every second.  James wouldn’t retaliate though, even when Sam had reemed into him as well.

“So, what did you want to do for Christmas?” James was hopeful that Steve would be willing to spend it with his family, but that didn’t seem likely at all.

Steve grunted under his breath, rubbing at his legs that seemed more bruised than usual.  What was he getting himself into when James wasn’t around?

“I’d personally like to be left alone, but according to my doctor and therapist I’m not allowed to have that, so I guess whatever the hell you want to do.” Steve crossed his arms over his chest, clearly angry with the situation at hand.

James opened his mouth, thinking of something to say back without upsetting the other man, unfortunately, nothing came to mind.  It was a lose, lose situation.  Steve was going to hate him either way, no matter what he did.  Hell, he refused to call James by his nickname since they’d run into one another.  Then again, Natasha had been acting almost the same way.

“I was going to visit my family, y’know my parents, sisters and their kids.  We can stay home if you want.” James was approaching apprehensively.

Steve snorted, the sound bitter and angry coming from the other man.

“Real good job James, taking a war vet to a house that’s going to be full of screaming kids, real fucking smart.” Steve stood up roughly, gripping the back of the couch hard enough to white out his knuckles.

James knew not to run over and help, Steve would only end up screaming at him to be left alone.  He’d offered to help one time, and Steve had hit him hard enough to leave a bruise that stayed for nearly two weeks.  Even with malnutrition, and a weak frame, Steve could still throw a severe punch.

James watched him head down to the bedroom, door slamming behind him as the air seemed to thicken with tension.  He’d call Sam, ask him what he should do, he always had all the answers.

~~~ “I’m sorry, you’re doing what?” Sam’s voice echoed loudly through the receiver.

“Sam, his doctor said he can’t be left alone in the apartment, and I already promised my parents I’d come home for Christmas, if I tell them why I’m canceling they’ll fly themselves out here just to see him.  I can’t do that to him Sam.” James sighed, running a hand through his hair.

James didn’t want to cancel on his family, but he also didn’t want to piss Steve off anymore than he’d already had.  Then again, Natasha would personally see to his death if he tried to leave Steve alone for almost two weeks.

“Buck, the man’s been through enough shit to kill anyone three times over, don’t force him to go out.” James knew that Sam was right, forcing him to socialize would only cause more harm than good.

Which is exactly what James did.  He called his parents to let them know he wouldn’t be coming, that something important had come up and he’d been unable to discuss for the moment.  Steve didn’t leave his room for the rest of the day, it was noon on Christmas day before he saw the blonde, bags beneath his eyes as he clutched a cup of coffee as if it were his lifeline.

James didn’t bother to say anything, choosing instead to give Steve the much needed space he deserved.  He’d practically uprooted the other man, forcing him into a place he’d never been in before just so James’ mind would be clear.  It was selfish, and despicable.

“When’s my next therapy appointment?” Steve wasn’t looking at James, instead his gaze was focused solely on the fireplace.

“It’s this Friday, I can have them move if you want.” James never accompanied him to the appointments, knowing fair well it would drive Steve farther away.

“Please.” Steve muttered, finishing off the coffee that was left in his mug.

James didn’t say anything, reaching for his phone to email the therapist, he knew she wouldn’t  get back to him right away, but they had a few days before his appointment anyway.  He could only hope that Pepper wouldn’t get upset he couldn’t wait until tomorrow.  

He’d met Pepper through Tony, who’d originally been his manager before he met Sam.  James recommended anyone to see Pepper as a therapist, the woman was a goddamn miracle worker.  Which was why he sent Steve there as well, he needed to know that the other man would be alright.  James had seen the damage that was already done, he refused to be another reason for his best friends demise.  

Wait, they weren’t best friends, they were barely even associates at this rate.  Steve only lived in James’ house because he had nowhere else to go.  He was doing him a favor, giving him a reason to get better.

“I’m gonna go lay down for a little while.” Steve pushed himself up slowly, grabbing onto the cane that rested against the arm of the couch.

James knew better than to rush over to help Steve when he’d refused his help in the past.  He hated being doted on, claiming it made others see him as weak.  He waited until the other man made it to his room before getting off the couch.  Maybe he could go down to the grocery and get some things while Steve took a nap, it didn’t seem like a bad idea.

James wrote a note letting Steve know where he was in case the other man happened to wake up.  He usually didn’t, especially if he’d planned on napping during the daytime.

With a soft sigh, James pulled on his shoes and coat, heading down to the store closest to his apartment.  The store wasn’t normally open on Christmas, but it was under new management, and according to other shoppers they didn’t celebrate the holiday.  Thankfully neither did anyone that was working on that day either.  James would’ve hated to make anyone wait on him because he needed to help out a friend.

He went up and down each aisle, debating between the cheetos or bag of doritos for an unhealthy snack.  A pack of oreos went into the cart next, followed by some more coffee since he was beginning to run low.  Heading up to the front to pay, James placed his items onto the belt, paying when the cashier told him the total.  

He was more than ready to get back to the apartment and pig out for a little while, maybe Steve would join him for a few minutes, munch on the chips before heading off once more.

“James?” A deep voice caught his attention, had his little disguise not hidden him well enough? James turned to face the voice, ready to pose for a selfie before his heart caught in his throat.  Brock Rumlow was standing on the street beside him, clothes perfectly pressed, hair styled to look effortlessly messy, the stubble on his cheeks looked as if he hadn’t shaved in almost a week.  What the hell was he doing in New York?

“Hey, long time no see.” James tried to keep his voice even, he couldn’t let Brock know how he felt anymore.

“Yeah, I thought you were visiting your parents?  It is Christmas after all.” The smirk that spread over his lips unnerved James, how the hell did he remember that?

“I was going to, but some things came up so I had to cancel my trip.” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the entire truth either.

Brock nodded slowly, as if he was taking in James’ words slowly, soaking them in for future use.

“Well that’s too bad, you should’ve let me know, could’ve hung out like old times.” Brock was still smirking, god why had James found that attractive?

“I wouldn’t have had the time, sorry.  I need to get back anyway.” He needed an out, a way to get away without letting Brock know why he was leaving so suddenly.

“If you’re not too busy tomorrow, give me a call.” Brock wrapped an arm around James’ waist, pressing their lips flush together for a moment.

James reached his hands up, pressing his palms against Brock’s chest to push him away.  And he did exactly that.

“Brock, we’re not together anymore, and I don’t want to see you anymore, leave me alone.” James hoisted the bags higher up on his arms, turning away and practically sprinting back to his apartment.

The streets has been surprisingly empty, so while it was easy for him to get back home without anyone catching him, it made him feel uneasy.  What if someone had seen Brock kiss him?  It’d be all over the internet before he could possibly stop it.

Steve was still asleep, and James thanked his lucky stars that he didn’t need to explain to the other man why he was panting so harshly, and why he looked like a crazed animal.  Instead of worrying about his impending doom anymore, James put the groceries away.  It could help keep his mind at ease, no one witnessed the one sided kiss, things would be fine.

Until they weren’t.

James woke up to his phone ringing the next morning.  Sam was calling, which was bad in and of itself.  

“Hello?” James kept his voice quiet, glancing at the clock on the wall.  It was barely passed six in the morning, which meant Steve was still in bed.

“Have you been online at all?” Sam didn’t give his brain even a second to process.

“Because there’s a picture of you and Rumlow macking it on a street corner, what the fuck Bucky!” James pulled the phone away from his ear, wincing slightly.

He had been wrong, and someone managed to get a picture of Brock kissing him.

“He saw me walking back from the store and kissed me, I swear I didn’t kiss him back Sam, you know how much I despise the man.” James didn’t bother to hide his disdain for the other man whenever he’d been interviewed, and it affected him negatively.

He was unable to land a role for nearly six months before things suddenly changed and Brock was seen as the bad guy.  It wasn’t a lie, Brock was possessive, and it lead to their breakup after only a few months.

James turned the phone on speaker, opening up Twitter to see what was being said about him.  And right front and center was a picture of him and Brock, and not a low quality camera picture either, this was paparazzi.  Had he planned this to try and ruin James’ career?  To make people think he was actually lying about what happened?

“I need to say something about this, he’s spreading lies!” James was furious, for not only himself, but for Sam.  He was dumping this onto the other man’s plate when he should’ve been worrying about it himself.

“Trust me, I know you wouldn’t willingly kiss him Buck, but we can’t go into this headfirst.” Sam sighed softly.

James knew what he was about to do was highly risky, but he needed to set the record straight before anymore lies could be spread on his behalf.

He hung up on Sam, opening up instagram and starting a live video.  No one was going to hear a single word from anyone, but him.

“Hey everyone, I know it’s pretty early to be doing one of these.” James chuckled softly, running a hand over his face.

He wasn’t even wearing a shirt, having forgone wearing one when he’d gone to bed the night before.  It wasn’t his fault that the apartment was too warm to wear properly clothing all the time, he was doing it for Steve.

“So unless you live under a rock, you saw a picture of Brock Rumlow and I kissing, I just want to set the record straight and let everyone know that the kiss was completely one sided.  I had gone out to the grocery store to get a few things and on my way home Brock stopped me, he asked some questions that I won’t be discussing right now, and grabbed my waist and kissed me.” James sighed, lacing his fingers together in his lap.

“After he kissed me I pushed him away, told him I didn’t want to see him anymore and left immediately.” James wasn’t stupid, he knew that Brock would put out his own video of what happened, telling everyone that James had tried to kiss him first.

He opened his mouth to go more in depth, to tell his fans to ignore what they read online, that whatever Brock said was going to be a lie.  Until the door to his room opened, revealing a sleepy looking Steve.  He’d been hoping that Steve would sleep through the entire Instagram live.  Guess that wasn’t going to happen.

“What’s going on?” Steve looked exhausted, eyes rimmed red from what was either lack of sleep, or he’d been crying.

“Oh, I’m just making a video talking about some stuff, did I wake you?” James knew he was walking on thin ice, that Steve could snap at any moment.

“No, I woke up a little over an hour ago.” Steve crossed his arms over his chest, the hoodie James had bought him seemed to stretch over his shoulders.

Was James staring?  Or was he trying to figure out what was different about Steve?

“Oh, I can make coffee if you’d like?” James knew the viewers were currently flooding in, comments streaming faster than he could read them. “No, that’s alright.” Steve’s shoulders were raised ever so slightly, turning away and leaving the room without another word.

Shit, he’d been avoiding letting the world know exactly why he was taking a step back from the spotlight.  Now everyone knew the truth, and James was going to have to explain himself before shit got out of hand.

“Sorry about that guys, a good friend of mine has been staying at my house, so I’ve been a little more focused on that for now.” His laugh sounded weak, even to his own ears. “What I wanted to say though, was don’t listen to anything you hear, or read any of the lies they’re gonna put online, me and Brock are done, and I will never take him back.” James sighed, running a hand over his face and saying his goodbyes to the live before clicking end.  Would he risk his hide and leave it on his story for everyone else to see?  Or would James end up deleting it like the chicken he was?  He ended up leaving it up, consequences be damned.

His heart was jack hammering in his chest, nerves suddenly on edge as his phone flooded with text messages, Sam’s face popping back up once again.  He sighed, answering.

“Sam I’m-” “You’re lucky I’m not in New York or else I’d wring your neck right now.” Sam sounded angrier than he’d ever heard before. 

“Sam, I thought he was still asleep, and I wasn’t going to let Brock get the upper hand!” James was furious, how could he blame him for what happened?

Sam sighed, the sound exasperated as James struggled to reel in his emotions.  Things were beginning to fall apart.

“He’s starting to look healthier at least.” Sam didn’t sound as upset, though there was still a lingering anger in his words.

James knew that Steve had begun to eat more, less afraid that he was going to put James out for eating more than a banana in the morning.  That of course didn’t mean the other man was willing to forgive everything, he was still afraid he’d be removed from the house.

“He’s been dealing with nightmares, but Pepper told me not to try and wake him when it happens.” James sighed, this was becoming harder for him to truly deal with.

“She’s right, he could become violent and end up hurting you, or himself.” Sam had a point, and he couldn’t risk pushing Steve away anymore.

James had made accommodations for Steve to be completely comfortable, afraid that if he did something wrong he’d set the other man off.

“I gotta go, he’s probably been sulking in the living room and I need to get some food into him.” Sam bid him farewell, telling him to be careful.

James wasn’t ignorant, he knew that Steve had gone through some horrific things in the past, but it didn’t change who he was deep down.

Without anything to keep him distracted any longer, James pushed himself up and left his bedroom, feet carrying him down to the kitchen.  Unfortunately, he wasn’t expecting to see Steve in the kitchen, hoodie discarded on a chair.  That wasn’t what stopped him in his tracks.  No.  It was the scars that littered his body, some light, barely visible in the morning sun, others deep and angry, nearly red.

How had he managed to keep this hidden?  Were they from his life living on the streets?  Or something else entirely.

“My unit was captured during my third deployment.” Steve’s voice startled him, though James would deny that for the rest of his days.

“What happened?” James whispered the words, afraid if he spoke any louder he’d scare the other man off for good.

Steve smiled sadly, eyes turning glassy as he turned to face James.  It was the first time he’d realized that he’d finally seen Steve completely shirtless.  If he thought the scars on Steve’s back were horrific, the ones on his front were worse.  

“We were transporting someone, can’t really remember his name anymore but he was someone famous, well the humvee in front of us hit an IED, ended up crashing into a ditch on the side of the road.  We were told to protect the guy no matter what, so that’s exactly what I did.” Steve chuckled, the sound breathless and choked.

“Got surrounded by the enemy, tortured me for any kind of information.  Whenever they got what they needed, they’d kill us.  Unfortunately I couldn’t give them any information because I didn’t have any.” Steve’s gaze turned cold and calculating, it sent shivers down James’ spine.

“So I did what I was trained to do, I killed the guard that was keeping me and my mission captive, snuck out in the middle of the night with open wounds, and no shoes.  We ended up walking for nearly six miles before someone found us, apparently they’d put out a search for him.  I suffered for over two fucking years, and yet he was the only one they were worried about.” Steve’s shoulders were shaking with anger.

James’ hands were shaking, heart racing as he stared over at Steve, trying to soak in the information Steve had thrown at him.  He was left for dead, and no one gave a fuck about the man!  As if his life was worthless!

“Wait, you said you’d been in captivity for two years, correct?” That seemed to be too much of a coincidence, especially considering James had just finished working with Tony before he went missing.

“Yeah, at least that’s what they said when I was in the hospital.” Steve shrugged, eyes glancing down to the mug he’d set onto the counter.

James couldn’t ever tell Steve that Tony was the man he’d been escorting, especially not when Tony was over there to try and help bring them home for the holidays.  He’d end up hating James more than he already did.

“It was Tony, Peppers wife, that you were escorting over there.” James looked up slowly, waiting for the screaming that Steve was bound to do.

He stood stock still, staring the other man down as he soaked in his words, jaw clenching as he glared at James.

“You’re lucky I can’t kill you where you stand.” Steve turned and left the kitchen, the sight of his scarred skin still haunting James’ mind.

He knew that information wasn’t something easily shared, but what if Steve had run into Tony during one of his appointments?  How would’ve he reacted to seeing the other man?  Would he have tried to kill him?  

So James did what he felt best.  He left.

Of course he left a note letting Steve know that he wasn’t going to be at the apartment for a few days, and that he was more than welcome to stay while he was gone.  Was it a stupid move on his part?  Absolutely, but he couldn’t sit by and wait for the day Steve refused to stay and left permanently.

Besides, he was only leaving for a few days at most, he’d be back before Steve could truly notice.

~~~ OOO 2 Weeks Later James stared down at his phone.  He’d turned it off the moment he arrived at the remote apartment, the one not even Sam knew about.  He had gotten it right after his last movie, wanting to get away from the press.  He turned it on with a quiet sigh, waiting for the bombardment of texts, emails, and voicemails he’d surely have.

Surely enough his voice buzzed for nearly two minutes straight before quieting back down.  He leaned down, picking up the sleek device to see who’d gotten in contact.  There were at least two hundred texts from Sam alone, nearly that many from Natasha, and about thirty from an unknown number.  Maybe it was Nat’s wife, Y/N, trying to figure out where he’d gone to.

This wasn’t going to be easy to handle, especially when he was about to get torn in two, in more ways than one.

Sam:Dude, what the fuck is going on?  Why did Steve just call and say you left????? Sam:I swear to god Barnes, I’ll track your ass down and drag you back by the scruff of your neck. Sam:You better fucking answer me!  The rest were Sam threatening him, telling him that he’d gotten in contact with Natasha, and even called his parents to see where he was. Nat:James Buchanan Barnes you ungrateful bastard!  Nat:You’re lucky I don’t know where you are right now, or else I’d wring your fucking neck Nat:Do you even care about everyone around you? Nat:Or this is some sick joke that helps you sleep at night? Nat:God, no wonder Steve didn’t get into contact back when we were kids. James felt that in his soul, was he truly the reason Steve hadn’t bothered to write?  

Steve:Where the hell did you go??? Sam said he can’t get a hold of you either. Steve:James, c’mon everyone’s getting worried. Steve:Will you please answer your phone???? Steve:Look, I’m sorry for what I said, I was just angry and upset. Steve:Bucky, please.

That stopped James in his tracks.  Steve hadn’t called James, Bucky, since they were young, and stupid kids.  There was no possible way he wanted James around, not when he was the reason for causing all of the issues between them.

He knew he couldn’t hide any longer though, packing away the things he’d taken out of the bag and heading down to his car.  The streets were oddly quiet, as if no one had bothered to leave their homes for the day.  It wouldn’t be like this when he got back home though.

And so he did what any sane person in his situation would do.  Show up at his home unannounced.  

“Hello?” James set his bag down, toeing off his shoes before stepping further inside.

Nothing was out of place, and the entryway smelled oddly of lemon cleaner, was this what Steve had been doing for two weeks?

“Bout time you got back.” Fuck, that was definitely Sam.

James knew better than to apologize, to make up the excuse of why he fled so suddenly without  another word.

“I told Steve that Tony was the reason he was captured, and tortured for nearly two years, I didn’t want to push him any farther than I already had.” James stood his ground, shoulders pushed back as he stared at the other man.

Sam stared back at James, slack jawed as he took in what James had just said.  This wasn’t something petty he’d run off about, this was a matter of Steve’s life in his hands.

“Where is he now?  I didn’t expect him to be here when I got home.” James stared down the other man, waiting for him to tell him what he so desperately needed.

Sam stared back, both men waiting for the other to break and give the news.

“He’s out getting groceries with Nat right now, said you guys were running low and he didn’t like leaving the house too empty.” That...was not the answer that James had been expecting to hear.

“Wait, you’re telling me he didn’t pack up and leave?” James had half expected Steve to bolt the moment he felt freedom.

“No, but he asked Nat, and I to drive him to his appointments because his usual person suddenly disappeared.” James winced, it was the truth and he needed to understand that.

The front door swung open, the sound of Natasha, and Steve’s laughter filling the house, the sound of bags crinkling followed quickly.

“It’s not my fault you’re so damn tall, just watch your head next time.” Nat stepped into the kitchen first, smile slipping off her face faster than James could blink.

“You had ample opportunity to warn me that the ceiling was low, so it’s technically...your fault.” Steve gripped the bags in his hands tighter, jaw clenched as he stared James down.

The air began to thicken with tension, James Barnes, academy award winner, famous movie star, Steve Rogers, war veteran, hero.

“I blamed myself for what happened with Tony, it’s why I left Steve.” James knew better than to lie, to keep secrets from someone he’d considered a best friend all those years ago.

“That doesn’t make any sense, you had no idea I was the one escorting him.” This was about to get messy.

“Yes, yes I did Steve.  Tony told me about the man who’d basically saved his life, and when I heard that it was you, I did everything I could to find you.  Imagine my surprise when I find out from your dad that he disowned you back before you went into the army.  Your mom misses the hell out of you by the way, I didn’t want to overwhelm you during your recovery but she wants to see you.” James took a deep breath, waiting for the screaming to begin.

“I shouldn’t of had to find out that you were gay because of your dad, but even then it doesn’t matter to me.  What he did was beyond horrible, hell I nearly drove to Tony’s house to kill him when you said you’d been tortured.  God, Steve you deserved better than what they gave you.  What goods a medal when you’re struggling with severe PTSD?” James laughed bitterly, wiping at the tears that were streaking down his cheeks.

No one said a word, watching as James stalked around the island in the kitchen and headed down to his room, leaving everyone behind.

There wasn’t a reason for James’ outburst, the way he’d snapped on everyone was childish and reckless.  James had lived a posh life, never having to worry about anything in his life, meanwhile Steve was tortured daily for nearly a year.  The man struggled to do basic activities without something triggering his PTSD.  God, James was such a child.

“Bucky?” A knock sounded at the door, Steve’s voice muffled by the thick wood.

James turned around, unlocking the door.  Steve stepped inside slowly, hands twisting together as he glanced up at James.

“I didn’t want you to leave that day, but I knew that we needed some space, it’s why I went down to my room.  And maybe I do struggle to deal with my PTSD everyday, but I started seeing the therapist you told me about because I figured she could help.” Steve stepped closer, leaving only a few feet between them.

“Even though I was beyond angry when you found me Buck, my lifes been a lot better since.  I’ve gained weight, I have a warm place to sleep.  Hell, I can go to the grocery store without worrying if I’ll be able to afford food.” James felt confused, why was Steve thanking him?

“I don’t understand.” James mumbled, arms loosely hanging by his side.

“If it weren’t for you finding me, I’d be dead by now.” Steve said it, with so much nonchalance that it truly bothered James.

Steve had to possibly walk with a cane for the rest of his life, but that was better than dying a bitter death during the winter.  Maybe Steve was doing better by being here.

“I thought that staying angry was what seemed best, but it’s only made things worse between us, and I’m sorry.” James shook his head, he should be the one apologizing.

“You have nothing to be sorry for Steve, I’m the one who basically forced you into my home.” Steve laughed, head thrown back as the sound echoed inside the room.

James was a little confused, what was so funny about what he said?

“Bucky, I could’ve left any time I wanted, I chose to stay because I needed to.” Oh, that wasn’t what he was expecting.

Things would eventually get better between them, only time would tell.

~~~ OOO 2 Years Later James waited patiently for the nominees names to be mentioned, hand clasped tightly around Steve’s.  He looked downright stunning in his tux, the deep maroon complimented his eyes perfectly.  James, or Bucky as almost everyone around him had begun calling him, wore a simple black tux, though his pocket square matched Steve’s tux.

“And the winner for best actor goes to, James Barnes!” Bucky stood, smiling happily as he leaned down to press a kiss to Steve’s lips.

He wasn’t entirely sure when their relationship had changed from enemies, to friends, and finally to lovers.  Bucky wasn’t about to complain about that, of course not.

He stepped onto the stage, taking the award from Sharon who was clapping along with everyone else, though he watched her gaze travel along his body.

“Thank you everyone, I do want to say what an honor it is to win this award.  I chose the role not just because it felt so powerful, but also because of someone else.  As most of you may know, my husband was in the army for nearly ten years, and during his last tour he was captured by the enemy.  Instead of letting it consume him, Steve came out someone stronger, a better man than I could ever call myself.” Bucky laughed softly, wiping at the tears that had begun to slide down his cheeks.

“There are men and women everyday who don’t get the help they need, who suffer in silence because no one will listen to their cries.  So myself, and everyone who worked on this film will be donating all the money made from the film to help our veterans.  If you’d like to do your part, you know where to look.” Bucky lifted the award once more, signaling his speech was over.

The crowd stood immediately, the sound of clapping and cheering nearly deafening him as he stepped off the stage and back to Steve.  Of course Steve looked downright shocked.

“Babe, are you seriously donating that much money?” Steve knew how much the movie had been able to pull in, and it was nothing to laugh at.

“I am, they deserve to get the help they desperately need, you’re one of the lucky people who got that help.” Bucky pulled Steve into a tight hug, arms squeezing his waist as he pressed a kiss to his lips.

Maybe Bucky was being a little reckless with millions of dollars, but it was something that could save the lives of millions of other people.  And Bucky was going to do his part by helping out.

And Steve would be right by his side the whole way.

#stucky #stucky fic #steve rogers x bucky barnes #steve rogers #bucky barnes #stucky au #stucky angst #stucky fluff #stucky feels #stucky fanfiction #stucky imagine #stucky one shot #steve rogers angst #steve rogers au #steve rogers and bucky barnes #veteran!steve rogers #actor!bucky barnes #bucky barnes angst #angst #natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x you #marvel #marvel fic #steve rogers has ptsd

[thebookishaustin]

ARC Review: The Gravity of Us

Image from publisher’s website

The Gravity of Us by Phil Stamper 

Release: February 4, 2020

Publisher: Bloomsbury YA

*I received a free, digital ARC of this title from the NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.*

The Gravity of Us is Phil Stamper’s debut novel set in the present day United States as NASA finalizes a crew of researchers, scientists, and other experts to become astronauts headed to Mars. These astronauts are treated like celebrities, with a TV show to prove it. Cal is a teenager living in Brooklyn, living his dream as a social media news influencer and potential Buzzfeed intern. That is, until his father is chosen as one of the future Mars astronauts, and Cal’s life is relocated to Texas with cameras edging into his personal life. Maybe Leon, another astronaut’s son, can help him acclimate and figure out his new role as an “Astrokid” and what that means for his future as a journalist. 

The Gravity of Us is a modern, realistic fiction novel. It’s set in the not-so-distant-future-summer of 2020 with a heavy emphasis on media, journalism, and the future of Earth in space. Combine these current topics of interest with a gay protagonist and we have the base for heavy dialougue regarding politics and culture in the United States. Cal is a budding journalist using an app similar to Instagram to post news for his generation. He’s wanting to push the envelope with hard hitting news and wants to bring a fresh perspective to the media. 

All this sounds fantastic, but I felt it was a bit flat throughout the book. Yes, Cal does have his media presence but it’s glossed over as being “as easy as pointing a camera” with the right timing. That irked me a little bit and does little service to the work that goes into journalism. However, this aspect also goes to show how the media is changing and literally anyone with a phone can cover news on a variety of platforms and be successful at it. But in terms of overall plot? I felt this view made everything too easy for Cal - Oh! I have a problem? Let me just film it and all will be fixed! 

If you’ve been following my reviews, you’ll know that romance novels are not my particular favorite - I recognize this bias within myself. The Gravity of Us is classified as a “YA Romance” and, even further, a queer romance at that. I’m here for it. However, Cal and Leon go for that insta-love that drives me completely batty. I have a lot of friends that love this and swoon when this happens, but I prefer more build up development of relationship than: “Hi, I just met you. *turns page* We’re boyfriends now.” Maybe that says more about myself than the book, though. 

With the few irks I had, I would say that I found The Gravity of Us to be an okay read. It’s not “the best I’ve ever read” material but I didn’t dislike it. I’d be interested to see what Phil Stamper has up his sleeve in the future. For these reasons, I’m giving The Gravity of Us 3-out-5 Awesome Austin Points. It came out on February 4th so look for it on the shelves of your local bookstore!

#The Gravity of Us #New YA Books #YA Romance #Queer YA Fiction #Read #reading #arc review #book review #book recommendation #the bookish austin #Phil Stamper #Debut Novel #debut ya novel

[dredgenwolf]

Oh hey there beasty. Fancy seeing you here. I made my guardian and the drifter siiimmss!! Drifter was so hard to create, I searched endlessly for mods and CC that fit him, even went as far as having one specially made. I was never great at recreating characters, which is probably why I struggled so much. But as of today I am super proud of him. I poured my heart and soul into shaping him from his looks, down to his personality and demeanor. He does not disappoint. He's mischievous, evil, a grand master vampire with an insatiable thirst and when left to his own devices w/ freewill on he WILL cause trouble. Wait til you hear what he did to Bella Goth. A story for another post. So if you don't think he resembles the drifter enough...ehh...I tried my best. I've been playing them for about a year now, off and on. She's in the astronaut career, naturally. He is in the criminal career...naturally. Im finally ready to share them with all of you lovelies on Tumblr and Instagram. 😁❤ I hope you like his sim as much as I do.

My simsta Insta is simseverafter for all my sims shit posting, ts4 challenges and builds. I'm just getting it started so not much on there but some builds and my beauty and the beast.

#ts4 custom content #ts4 story #ts4vampires #alternate universe #crossover #destiny 2 #ocs #Destiny 2 player guardian #awoken #this is what happens #when I cant romance bae #the drifter #I wonder why shes so happy #😏😉👀 #wickedwhims

[crwndsprkzy]

Damon Hugh’s Diary

30/1/2021 9:30 pm

I’m Damon Hugh. I’m 16 and am in year 10 in high school. I am a boy who likes to draw, paint and listen to MCR and P!ATD. My favourite colour is dark purple. I’m an absolute loner: no friends, no life, ignored by everyone unless they’re bullying me.

At least this diary I got (stole) from my (someone else’s) school supplies will listen to me.

 15/2/2021 10:30 am

I’ve been at school for less than two hours now (I arrived late). It’s a normal school day so far, regular boring classes, all that jazz. But I can’t help but feel like someone is watching me, like intensely. Meh, not likely though, I’m really uninteresting. I mean, yeah sure, I “befriended” that popular Mia Talune, but I’m not liked by anyone. Oh well, at least science is finishing soon.

 15/2/2021 11:03 am

Not a normal day any more. That Heath Forest guy who bullies me? I found him dead outside the main building. Stabbed in the chest and abdomen. Yeah no, first on the scene on accident equals not fun! So I called the police then rushed to find a teacher. It wasn’t that hard (the main building, duh). But now people think that I killed him! Which I definitely did not! As if the bullying about the heterochromia, me being ace, my height, the fact that I’m a guy who’s artsy and having anxiety wasn’t enough.

Whatever. But still, now I’m wondering who killed Heath? I’m not torn up about it since I don’t like anyone here, I just want to know why someone actually had something against him. He was only mean to me after all...

 15/2/2021 2:30 pm

Yeah no, I’m getting weird vibes from this girl in my class. She keeps staring at me with this glazed look. Her name is Bianca Cornwel (only found that out through the roll) and to be honest, that last name is atrocious. 

There’s been questioning taking place all day because of the cops, and my class has been talking non-stop about it. I have noticed whenever anyone brings up that it was me, the class prez, Rory Dee, gets very defensive and brings up that it couldn’t be me (a few points he made were hurtful: “He’s too weak to do something like this”). He also seems to turn his head from his front seat and glare at Bianca.

 15/2/2021 10:37 pm

A quick sum-up of today:

-woke up

-went to school late

-had to sit through science 

-found the dead body of a regular bully 

-got accused all day (for the murder)

-was stared at by a girl (every lesson)

-was defended by the class president (why?)

-was questioned twice by the police 

-went home 

-wrote this instead of sleeping

 16/2/2021 2:48 am

I was woken up by my phone. It’s a news story. I only really get notifications from the news (I’m a loner) so this is regular.

So I had a look at it and the headline reads: “16-year old’s body found dumped in a sewer”. Ew.

Oh. The murdered teen was Tanisha Andre, a girl in my class.

 Something’s up.

 16/2/2021 8:55 am

I got to school on time. My problem now is that I don’t have an alibi as I did for Heath. Hopefully Class Presi-Dump has something to defend me with. Clearly he will. I mean, he’s perfect in every way! He’s good at everything, popular, a high achiever, kind blue eyes, lightly tanned skin, fluffy looking golden blonde hair, cute little freckles around his nose and cheeks, his pearly white smile, his smooth voice that’s perfect for singing, the fact that he smiles softly at the people who he passes, his laugh; he’s just perfect. I mean, prince charming 2.0 much. 

But still, why is he defending me of all people? We’re polar opposites! He’s tall, I’m short. He's popular, I'm a loner. He's class president, I'm assumed to be a murderer. He's brave and strong, I'm shy and weak. He listens to pop music, I listen to emo music.

It is a bit refreshing now that Bianca isn’t staring at me, but now Palace Tucker (one of the chicks that hang around The Mythic B***h Mia) has been glaring at me ever since I arrived today.

I wonder if there’ll be questioning today following Tanisha’s death?

  16/2/2021 12:30 pm

President Perfect did defend me, as I expected. 

I have noticed that after Palace left Maths class, Bianca followed after her. So far Bianca has come back, but Palace has not.

Yeah, I don’t trust Bianca. I mean, that’s a given considering she’s always watching me. I’m in the middle of the class and she’s at the back, so she can stare at me without suspicion. Which is REALLY uncomfortable! But I’m not going to tell the teacher, duh, debilitating social anxiety.

 16/2/2021 1:35 pm

I found a hall-pass on the ground. It's one for Bianca and Palace. It says “mental health break”. I did see them both wandering the edge of the oval when I was in class. It’s a regular route for me at break time, so I’ll see if Palace is out there.

 16/2/2021 1:38 pm

I definitely found Palace. Just drenched in… blood. And stab wounds through her head and her eyes gouged out. That too.

The song I’m listening to (Teenagers-MCR) ABSOLUTELY describes my realisation. My realisation being: Bianca is the killer and because I’m weak, I’m probably next.

And because of Tanisha's death being out of school, I can't hide at home. Hell, since I walk home, practically everyone knows where I live. I would know, a ton of them egg and t-p the house.

What if I encourage dad to get us moved to a city further away? What if we got out of the country? What if I learn how to fly planes and land on a deserted island? What if I went back in time and posed as an artist who sculpted attractive men for the church? What if I got astronaut training early and flew to Pluto?

I don’t know, but my anxiety is worsening just thinking about it. I'm just going to run and scream.

Hopefully they don’t think it was me.

 16/2/2021 2:45 pm

The cops are back and that’s not helping my anxiety. If anyone talks about it again or to me, I'm gonna break down.

 16/2/2021 2:57 pm

The police questioned me alright. But I couldn’t answer any of their questions; non-verbal panic attack. It wasn’t helped by intrusive thoughts about me getting framed, getting killed and being called a liar.

Bianca watched me on the way out and on the way back into the classroom. But so did Rory. He also looked at Bianca.

Has he realised? He's smart, he probably has.

Guess I’ll have fun for the last bit of class by listening to bands.

 16/2/2021 3:51 pm

So Class King didn’t know anything about it. Then what does he have against Bianca? He can’t be glaring for no reason.

I did overhear Callum Jones talking to Bianca about how he's “going to a totally rad party with lots of babes tonight”. Bianca just told him to “stop lying” and that “everyone knows you're going to go home and DM Mia with your 5 different insta accounts”. Oof. There was nothing saying he was lying though. How did she know? 

Oh yeah, Callum was definitely offended by that and took a swing at Bianca, but she was already gone.

 17/2/2021 12:30 pm

I'm not dead yet, but I am going to be soon. I decided to, for whatever reason, talk to Rory about the murders. I could not stop stammering or going quiet for extended periods of time, but when I was talking I asked royal Rory what he thinks of Bianca. I haven’t got a response but I'm slowly dying…

Nobody has died yet today, but I'm absolutely paranoid. I just keep thinking I'm next or that I'm going to be confronted by the football team and they’ll punch me to death. Whenever I think these things, I can practically SMELL the blood. Even when I'm not imagining them I can smell blood.

Wait, what are those red stains on Jules Elvis’ yellow cardigan?

That’s what I've been smelling! Wait, was I wrong about Bianca then? Was it really this eager to please girl who did this?

No, if she was a murderer, she would know how to dissolve blood, or at least know not to wear the clothing worn while committing the crime.

But nobody is noticing Bianca.

 17/2/2021 2:30 pm

The teacher has announced that there has been another body found- Felicity Forest, Heath’s younger sister. They showed a fairly censored version of the security tape to us. It showed a tall girl with brown hair, pale skin and a yellow cardigan on.

Guess who fits that description perfectly? Jules. The blood-stain on the yellow cardigan was pretty telling. Felicity was also Jules’ best friend, so the connection was there.

But Bianca has the exact same cardigan, I've seen her wear it. The tape was early, so she could have easily framed Jules. She was also asking our health teacher how healthy it is to be awake all night.

When the police came in for Jules, she was violently sobbing. She was saying stuff like “I would never!” “I didn’t do it!” “But… I was going to ask her today to be my girlfriend” “I LOVED HER!” “Our friendship bracelets said ‘together forever’!” and more.

I don’t think it was Jules at all. I know it wasn't Jules. 

But I couldn’t speak up, the words got caught in my throat as if a dagger had cut them off.

Sorry Jules…

tags- @fallenfromforgotten @random-artsy-stuf @flowersanddinosaurs (you can request to be added at any time!)

#writing #damon hughs diary #narrative #diary #remi's writing #death tw #tw murder #tw police #tw blood #tw body gore #tw panic attack #tw paranoia #tw stab wound #tw stab mention #tw intrusive thoughts