#bellezobrienpoetry

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Came and went with the springtime Before the blossoms even fell Filled the garden tub with my tears In my pastel toned personal hell Watching faces form in the leaves Blessing me and wishing me well But none of them were yours And I no longer have time to dwell #poetry #fernlavenderpoetry #writing #poem #spring #springtime #bellezobrienpoetry #pink #cherryblossom #flower #flowers #garden #nature #outdoors #home #shroompuppy #shroomdog #dog #dogs #dogsofinstagram #puppy #pitbullpuppy #pitbull #pittie #pets #animals #psycheknot #songwriting #songwriter #🌸 https://www.instagram.com/p/CVRD3_7PUw3/?utm_medium=tumblr

#poetry #fernlavenderpoetry #writing #poem #spring #springtime #bellezobrienpoetry #pink #cherryblossom #flower #flowers #garden #nature #outdoors #home #shroompuppy #shroomdog #dog #dogs #dogsofinstagram #puppy #pitbullpuppy #pitbull #pittie #pets #animals #psycheknot #songwriting #songwriter #🌸

[ratsandrocknroll]

Maladaptive Daydreaming II

I appreciate that somehow There is something darkly amusing About my current predicament That I am trying to fix I spent some time running From a hometown that hurt me From a name that never felt mine From memories, sharp and raw Soften the edges a little bit Soft filter blurring what I recall Til the shapes become fuzzy and unrecognisable My hair is redder somehow, and my body is smaller Smaller even than it was when I was younger And in this idealized self I am Treated kindly and fairly by those around me In ways I would have begged for in where I originated But these fuzzy daydreams are in stark contrast To the conflict and chaos in my real day to day My bedroom is scattered with rubbish and I haven't found time To brush out the tangles in my fading red hair Too busy building gentler spaces in my mind Escapism, it seems, is my strongest addiction Perhaps my only one, whatever form it may take I used to wonder why dissociatives were popular at parties with my generation When my mind is so broken it gives me that for free But unlike ket wearing off, I can't control this dosage It formed when I was too young to notice it was a problem When I was seven I'd sing myself stories to sleep to And whilst the plot lines are forgotten, the setting's the same I think I'm dressed like Titania out in the woods There used to be other characters but I am finding that I Can no longer convince myself of their authenticity when in my reality I've barely left my house for months So I'm no longer sure how a person should work My companions have been tv shows, Riker and Quark But as much as I want a Star Trek future, I am trapped in the present With no guarantee our species will ever overcome The hurt that keeps so many of us jailed in our daydreams Maybe less in the present, maybe more trapped in the past I want to break free but I'm scared to acknowledge How isolated and broken and worthless I feel For if that were not the case, why am I so compelled to deny it To create vast universes in my mind instead of Recognising which people around me jut want to laugh at me How can I escape escapism? Without being dead?

#writing #poem #poetry #fernlavenderpoetry #bellezobrienpoetry #daydreams #mental health #trauma #coping mechanisms #maladaptive daydreaming #escapism #dissociation #maladaptive schemas

[ratsandrocknroll]

Sticky Sickly Sweet

Poems are spells, in a way In which one must be careful in their wording Lest they be misinterpreted  Unintentionally to one’s own detriment A recurrent theme before I learnt self control Slowly digging myself out of that hole I whisper words beneath my breath and the candles For safety’s sake and also sweeter songs Should hope to send you an ounce of comfort Always my intention in conjuring closeness Shadows in the woods may be the only company that keeps me On a fading path I’d feared I’d never tread But better this than those that kept me hostage May neither you nor I again have to face that dread Like a soda bottle filled with flies Sticky sickly sweet and binds your feet So is the softness of where familiarity lies You could come find me, but only once you’re free 

#fernlavenderpoetry #poem #poet #poetry #writing #writer #bellezobrienpoetry #witchcraft #spellwork

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To My Left

In BPD, there is this concept A “favourite person” To which we get overwhelmingly attached Upon a pedestal to which they can never live up to Maybe because I wish someone Were as devoted to me as this And then perhaps They will never abandon me So when I feel it creeping in again I try to fight my very nature I claw my way up from falling so deeply I disconnect my logic from the emotion that tugs at my toes Trying to turn me down the path of Terrifying them with my  Frighteningly intense neediness For who could find such passion attractive Than another as charred as my sunburnt hands Of which, I have learnt, only leads to destruction I must castrate my emotions For otherwise, I know how it always ends For the cycle repeats, and they leave me again And so I lock the door of my crumbling home And smoke my way to another plane of reality altogether And stay up to early hours watching films of magical men Beautiful and fictional, to get my fix Safer than forcing those that I love From witnessing my latest mental breakdown But lately, I’ve found, that isn’t enough I cannot divorce myself from that which makes me more than machine I look to my left, the empty side of my bed And cannot help but yearn for another The men that I do love are safely inaccessible Whether through distance or death do they keep us apart But it does not make this aching any less tangible But I’m scared I’m too broken to even know where to start

#poem #poetry #fernlavenderpoetry #writing #mental illness #bpd #cptsd #cptsd creative #bellezobrienpoetry #screaming into the void

[ratsandrocknroll]

Beige breaking my brain to bits And I'm scared of the sepia sinking in I'm not trying to be your fantasy in vanilla lace I'm just trying to find my own peace of mind and survive #bellezobrienpoetry #writing #poetry #poem #poet #fernlavenderpoetry #selfie #sixtiesmakeup #vintage #vintagemakeup #redhead #redhair https://www.instagram.com/p/CLCHfJLJ4dl/?igshid=13duoh4r7jw4d

#bellezobrienpoetry #writing #poetry #poem #poet #fernlavenderpoetry #selfie #sixtiesmakeup #vintage #vintagemakeup #redhead #redhair

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Maladaptive Daydreaming

I remember hearing about people with Trauma escaping into substances destructive And watched a man I had torn up my life for Fall back into the same cycle once again Track marks he denied to me and I told myself Sure I am suffering, but I will never cross that line I'll never face addiction and watch it rip my body and mind apart but That was not as black and white as I insisted Coping mechanisms insidious and creeping in where I least expected Increasing doses I was assured could never be abused Disconnecting every neuron from its neighbors Felt like welcome relief from a mind That can never shut the hell up So I weaned myself off And congratulated myself on my mental fortitude I did it, I'm still better, beating the system But better I was not Thoughts still linger in the back of my brain And the moment I'm alone or quiet I'm left here with these patterns Tracing trauma through the roots til it bubbles at the surface Surely there must be a way to silence this, even if just for a moment? So my strongest pull started earlier than I can remember If I peer back through my childhood to my foggiest, earliest days I see a haze of make believe in magical places Running away to the forest where the trees will hide me from Harshest criticisms and facing the world alone Pine leaves in my hair as a crown for this young queen Even now when evenings tear apart my peace I retreat to my fairytale bed And sink into happier memories intertwined with my floatiest fantasies Soft focus, soft forests, it is the only time that I have ever felt Like myself.

#poetry #bellezobrienpoetry #poem #writing #cptsd #trauma #trauma recovery #mental health #maladaptive daydreaming #coping mechanisms #addiction

[ratsandrocknroll]

Take Me To The River

Two fae, in a forest to where I flew It's been so long waiting just to reach here with you In old towers I crawl like the sun slips to the sea Like golden hour rising where you lay here with me So darling, take me to the river Where the landscapes feel familiar Wash me in your water And make me feel at home Darling, take me to the river Where the moonlight makes you shiver Where the water's soft and silver And we'll no longer be alone They take residence in your dreams These old memories of yours That I can translate to a bitter hate That you came close to the source They cannot reach us by the river Of that I can be sure So let it wash you clean of where you've been We're both ready to take form So darling, take me to the river Where the landscapes feel familiar Wash me in your water And make me feel at home Darling, take me to the river Where the moonlight makes you shiver Where the water's soft and silver And we'll no longer be alone

#poem #poetry #bellezobrienpoetry #writing #spellwork #poet #poems #fernlavenderpoetry #writer

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Vanilla Lace

Slipping, sleeping through the cracks On the very edge of Faded from dissociating Like the rugs in my sunroom Mold in the carpet Best be bleached and maintained beyond Trying to survive Holes in your cardigan Worms are writhing and begging to be Barely allowed to survive Dirt in the garden Sweet and earthy, the place where she birthed me But never breathed my life I always knew, even in my youth I'd find myself forgotten and fading into A fictional forest only in my mind Lock the door, blankets are warm, edge of alive Beige breaking my brain into bits And I'm scared of the sepia sinking in I'm not trying to be your fantasy, in vanilla lace I'm just trying to find my own peace of mind and survive Mold in the carpet Best be bleached and maintained beyond Trying to survive Holes in your cardigan Worms are writhing and begging to be Barely allowed to survive Dirt in the garden Sweet and earthy, the place where she birthed me But never breathed my life

#fernlavenderpoetry #bellezobrienpoetry #poetry #poem #writing #poet #writer #cptsd #mental illness #trauma #cptsd creative

[ratsandrocknroll]

The Cursed

Maybe (I fear) I am a curse For every time I’ve run away from acknowledging myself That hurt seeps into those who I love That hurt that only I deserve I keep on my dresser a little wooden box Chimes play forever a melody that fades in from childhood And in it I keep a piece of pink foil Crumpled and soft, like the skin on her hands Like the way your layers gently devoured me My grandmother, one Easter, when I was thirteen Gifted me an egg, wrapped in this fuschia “A Barbie, from a Barbie,” (for her name was Barbara) She was kind and gentle and worked hard to maintain A light for me when all those of my family went out When she was diagnosed with bowel cancer My grandfather grumbled and hardened his heart He thought that she would be well if it were not for me A black mark on the family tree, a demon to blame And the day that I met you, you hinted at fears That something in your body had gone horribly wrong Though I wish we had longer, you were gone within two years And my grandfather’s voice cried out the same song “You can’t come to the funeral, it’s only for family” I was crying in boarding school when Barbara passed As isolated as I felt when I found out about you I lived on my own. I grieved on my own. I’m scared I’ll die alone too.

#fernlavenderpoetry #poem #poetry #writing #writer #cptsd #cptsd creative #trauma #grief #bellezobrienpoetry

[ratsandrocknroll]

A Visitor

Like a scent I always had known Deep inhale and take me back home Hold my breath in a balloon Not a moment too soon A visitor and you Raindrops fall, watercolour on roof Your face is an artwork in colours I choose Purple and green, hidden worlds unseen Pure and obscene Share this with me Darling, have you seen the neon faces? Faraway places I barely recall Felt an old lover lay down beside me Here, deep inside of me, seeking myself

#bellezobrienpoetry #poem #poet #poetry #writing #writer #fernlavenderpoetry #psychedelia

[ratsandrocknroll]

Been Meat

His hands are soft and so is his pillow That I bury my face in so he does not have to see How disconnected I feel from every sensation This is not my body. This is not me. But now I’ve been meat Well how can you expect anything to compete With the adrenaline rush, and the only way I feel complete So I dissociate in their arms, better than trembling at their feet I do not want to be this way Repeating every memory as if I were there Limping on my way home, feet aching like my face I put these men first because I’m desperate for them to care And he is not callous and he is not cruel He kisses my forehead and strokes my hair And calls me a good girl, but that I am not It’s the one thing I asked for, but he got off already, so why should he care? So after that, I’d rather be meat Fresh cut from the butcher and dripping in need Plastic wrapped, to hide what I bleed Trimmed and consumed. The break is complete.

#fernlavenderpoetry #poem #poetry #poet #writing #writer #bellezobrienpoetry #cptsd #cptsdcreative

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Beg

I wish you could have loved me

Like a flame loves wood

Like you needed to burn me

Or wanted, at least, to know this

I wish I could have spoken

Or found a way to describe a need to be broken

Or never needed it in the first place

I'm too scared to dive into heartlessness, but well on my way

Walked out of the hotel with a grin on my face

My intentions less pure than when you took me to this place

Cash in hand, I couldn't even pretend to like that man

You'd asked me not to. I let you down but refused the shame

Dancing over driftwood, shouting at the stars

I took control of myself and no longer know where we are

I was helping some friends, I can't stop once I start

Shoes sink in the sand and disappear into the dark

He left me with matching bruises on my thighs

My body broken but not in the way I like

He loves you like I do, but I can't tell you why

Put it in my mouth like a secret and begged me to lie

#poem #poetry #writing #bellezobrienpoetry #cptsd #cptsd poetry

[ratsandrocknroll]

Covid Ghosts

Perhaps for some, it was isolation and boredom

For me it was the fear of

Never saying goodbye before the end

In a future uncertain,waving from behind the curtains

A barrage of messages sent

From the future, to those we'd pretended to leave

Right where they belonged, years ago

And though lockdown has halted, at least in this corner

The ghosts from the past still cross the borders

"I've missed you, and always wanted to say

I'd loved you. I cannot wait another day."

Some worth staying in touch with, for memories lost

Try to claw back a semblance of the girl that I was

I like seeing you've grown, you deserve to have flown

I'm sorry for previously clipping your wings

Others still trying to live in 2013

I cannot be who you loved now there's places I've been

I can't abandon myself for a ghost in my past

I'm sorry, my friend. You pushed things too far

#writing #poem #poetry #bellezobrienpoetry #covid19 #isolation #nostalgia

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1999

In a carpark, feet pulled up

Slowly burning in the sunshine

Minutes melting into hours and

Talkback radio in my mother's Subaru

A middle aged man incensed at having to change

The pronunciation of a hometown he's never gotten correct

I can almost feel his spit coming out of the car speakers

And I am only seven and bored beyond belief

I roll the window down just a crack

In the hope the sea breeze brings some relief

From a summer somewhere I feel I cannot escape

My legs are short and cannot carry me away 

From a small town in the middle of nowhere, New Zealand

I gaze across the concrete

Surely no one could feel as lonely as I do now?

The radio fuzzes in and out

I imagine growing up somewhere like this 

Somewhere too small to make contact

With anyone who feels like you

Now I wonder where you were that afternoon 

As I melted like my ice cream that slipped from my fingers

I picture you at a relative's house, dissociating 

As they tell your parents it was always pronounced that way

And thinking, surely this can't be the edge of the earth

Please let there be something more

Beyond your hometown

I hope when I returned there in decades to come

That you found that there was

Because to spend summer scorching in that car

Will never be enough for us

#poem #poetry #writing #bellezobrienpoetry #fernlavenderpoetry #isolation #trauma #cptsd #childhood #cptsdcreative

[ratsandrocknroll]

Back In A Box

Whenever I think it would be easier to

Crawl back into a past where people would find me attractive

I think of my friend, who grew up in the country

Who came out as a teenager and couldn't be welcomed

As themselves

So they shaved off their hair and managed to be

Masculine enough by making fun of themselves (secretly)

Attention from girls and they told themselves

This is what happiness must be

And ignored that they were not at all

And when we thought the apocalypse hit

She told me that even if this was the end of the world

She was so thankful she'd left it behind

And even if she didn't spend much of it alive

She was proud of the eight months she'd been out as a girl

I am not a woman, nor will I be a wife

An expectation I narrowly managed to escape

I'm a fern in the forest and I feed in the light

I am not a man either, and I've chosen to stay

Here in the woods I feel most like myself

In the autumn I'd planned to leave them my body

But in the spring I took root and determined to grow

I cannot go back. And nor should I.

#poem #poetry #writing #bellezobrienpoetry #fernlavenderpoetry #enby #nonbinary #queer poetry

[ratsandrocknroll]

A Drive With A Friend

For some time now I had tried to suppress All knowledge of my life as it had been in my past Too painful to even begin to imagine A connection between myself and that I had experienced Whether through refusing to revisit them, or a lot of prescription medication All clear memories of it had turned to a thick fog A fog that enveloped more corners of my mind Than I’d initially intended, left me often confused Unable to manage the most basic of tasks As if my mind and my body were two separate entities So, embarrassed, I weaned myself off gabapentin Three months later, the process beginning of my mind slowly healing On a sunburnt day in January, you crossed my path And despite my fears of my mind meeting my body You put me at ease enough to want to sink into your arms With fondness, I look back upon that memory And realise it was the first time I’d wanted to capture a day Forever in my mind, and not to be escaped A solace to revisit when I’m in pain And it’s been on my mind since that big drive south Landscapes deeply familiar reawakening my youth Of a childhood spent here isolated and alone Must be quiet, must be good, or they’ll leave you again And once again I am starting to feel At least with the comfort of a friend by my side That I’m starting to remember, and I’m no longer afraid to Fears seared in my soul from such a young age So as sunset sets in, we stopped in Omarama You left the car to get us some food I saw a six year old girl, red hair pulled into pigtails Shyly walk towards me and sit in your seat She seems lost in her daydreams, til she looks up at me And asks if I’ll leave her like everyone else With anguish, I hold her shaking little hands And promise her I won’t ever leave her. Not ever again.

#bellezobrienpoetry #poetry #poem #writing #ptsd #cptsd #gabapentin #memory loss #mental health