#but this was the longest one ive written so far and i quite like it

[throneofsmut]

Kinktober Day Thirty-One: Wing Play

Azriel x Female Reader

A / N : If you’ve been waiting for this i’m sorry it’s so late but i just kept rewriting it and getting stuck. I literally just finished this and went straight to proofreading it. It was giving me an aneurysm but i think this is the best it’s gonna get so please interact when you finish reading it and tell me what you guys think. Also it’s long as fuck, it’s quite literally the longest one ive written so far. I was thinking about turning it into a series but anyways i hope you guys enjoy and thank you for being patient with me 💙

When your older sister, Feyre was taken away by some fae beast in the night, you thought you’d never see her again. The rest of your family acted like nothing happened, all of sudden having money and status again. But you knew the truth, even went so far as to going to the wall a couple times.

The first time you went you found one of the ripples in the wall separating the humans and faeries. And pushed through, it felt… different. Once your body was completely through, you felt more alive, more like yourself.

Making the trek through the forest, hiding along the gates to the Manor of the Spring Court, you were just about to make a run for it. When suddenly a knife was pressed against your throat. Fae. You knew you had one chance at this, throwing your elbow behind you, into the fae’s middle with everything you had. The knife lightly slicing into your throat warm trickles of blood dripped from it, as you grabbed the knife lunging for the fae male.

Pressing it against his throat as the red haired male was gasping for breath - you winded him. Using your free arm to push him further into the ground. You leaned down, snarling, “Where is she ?”

He coughed finally regaining his breath, “Safe. She’s safe.”

Applying a bit more pressure against his throat, the knife made his skin redden, “Liar.”

“I’ll show you,” he panted softly.

You got off him but as soon as he stood you instantly had the blade pressed against his side. He led you to the side of the manor as he pointed up towards a window. You growled, sounding more fae than human, “Where is she ?”

A heart beat passed, “Look.” And there she was, your sister, Feyre.

She looked… happy.

You let out a shaky breath, fighting back tears, dropping the knife that was clutched in your hand. The red haired male turned to you, brows furrowed, “You love her.” It was more a statement than a question.

“Of course I do, she’s my sister. She’s one half of me.” He gave you a gentle smile before walking you back towards the wall.

Once you made it back to the wall, he stopped you, grabbing your arm. “I’m Lucien.” You gave him a small nod, his voice stopped you again, “So which sister are you ?”

“Y/n.”

He chuckled, “Y/n. That’s why you were able to disarm me. Feyre told me that while she hunted for the family, you fought in the pits for money.” Giving him another small nod, turning back towards the wall. “Listen, I can meet you at the wall every couple of weeks. If you want to check on her.” He offered.

Looking over your shoulder, your lips set in a wicked smirk, “I was going to keep checking on her regardless.”

His lips curved up into a smirk too before nodding his head towards the wall, “See you soon.”

Then you were gone.

So every 2 weeks for months you checked on feyre without her knowing. Lucien beside you as you both were perched in a tree, through the months you both slowly started becoming friends. At first he’d tell you how she was doing but then you’d both start asking each other questions. You’d never hated faeries, even though your family did. To you it was simple, they’d never done anything to you personally, so you didn’t hate them. Lucien laughed at that and told you he didn’t hate humans, this time making you laugh.

You were just about to head out to make your journey to the Spring court when Feyre showed up. Then almost as soon as she’d gotten back, she left.

A couple months later you went back and Lucien was already there waiting for you. “She’s not here.” He whispered.

“What ?”

He sighed, “She left.”

You felt your heart racing, Lucien could probably hear it. “I have to find her.”

Lucien grabbed your arm before you made it back through the wall, “You may not like what you find.” Then he let you go.

You practically sprinted the entire way home resting as little as possible. Ripping the door to your family’s estate and then slamming it shut, making your way to your bedroom. Sleep found you quickly that night, exhausted from your trek to the Spring Court and back home.

You slept in, almost sleeping through the whole day until you were woken up by voices. They were arguing and it sounded like they were coming from the dining room. Still in your night slip, you made your way down stairs - Feyre, Rhys, Cassian and Azriel had all been alerted to the sound of a door closing - walking into the dining room, you froze.

She was here.

Feyre was here but she was different. Now she was slightly taller than you only, pointed ears poking through her hair and she was beautiful. She was beautiful before but now… and she didn’t come alone. Three fae males were with her. One had eyes so blue they were violet and the others had large bat-like wings. They all stood, assessing you, not sure if they should be preparing for a fight.

“Feyre…” I whispered.

“You’re here.” She breathed.

That’s all it took for you to throw yourself into her arms. The both of you cried as you held each other. Throat tight as you whispered, “I didn’t know if you were dead or not.”

She let out a shaky breath as she hugged you tighter, “I was.”

Holding each other for a couple moments longer, before Nesta was clearing her throat and the both of you separated. Feyre took a step back, not letting go of your hand as she snarled at Nesta, “You said she wasn’t here.” Nesta merely shrugged in response. Feyre glared at her before turning to introduce you to the High Lord of the Night Court, Rhysand. He bowed at the waist in greeting. Then she moved to the General of his Armies, Cassian. And finally to the most beautiful male you’d ever seen, his Spymaster, Azriel.

They surprisingly bowed at the waist in greeting as well, you bowed your head in return. A genuine smile on your lips as you acknowledged them, “Hello, pleasure to meet you. All you.” Rhysand was about to speak when Nesta cut him off, “Go change into something more appropriate.”

You rolled your eyes before turning to look at her, “I'm pretty sure it’s not the first time they’ve seen a female in night slip… or a pair of tits for that matter.” Turning back to face the four of them, you could see they were all fighting to not smirk at your antics.

Doing a mock curtsy directed a Nesta, “I’ll be back. Continue having dinner, don’t stop on my account.” Heading back upstairs, you still felt Nesta’s burning gaze on you, “Now, Nes !” You yelled at her over your shoulder just to piss her off even more.

You came back down once everyone was seated and noticed Cassian and Azriel kept shifting trying to get comfortable in chairs not meant to accommodate wings. Their eyes landed on you as you neared before stopping in the middle of the room, turning back on your heel. Yelling over your shoulder, “I’ll be right back.”

Hauling two stools back into the dining room, then the male named Azriel was suddenly at your side, taking them out of your hands. Cassian met him halfway, to grab one, before finally sitting comfortably without the backs of the chairs bothering their wings. They gave you warm smiles before thanking you, Rhysand saying thank you as well. You shrugged, “It’s nothing.”

Rhys shook his head, “Not to us. Thank you, for your kindness.”

Dinner was giving you a headache because Nesta and Feyre were arguing. You were picking at the skin around your thumbs when a large scarred hand settled over them, Azriel’s. Who was seated next to you. Turning to look at him, he didn’t look away from the argument but he gave your hands three reassuring squeezes. A silent sign that he saw you.

Then Cassian was trying to get a reaction out of Nesta, you let out small huff and without thinking you moved one of your hands, settling atop Azriel’s. Soft smooth fingers roaming over the scarred skin, tracing them. You felt him stiffen beneath your touch before relaxing again. You whispered almost inaudibly, “Beautiful.” Eyes never leaving his hands.

He looked at you and Rhys saw something flicker in his gaze but it was gone as soon as it came.

When dinner was over, Feyre and Rhys told your sisters and you why they’d really come.

War.

A war was coming and our village would likely get the brunt of it. They also told us that they wanted to meet with the six human queens, using the estate as a neutral meeting place. We all stayed up late into the night as they drafted up a letter to set the meeting. Everyone made their way upstairs but then Feyre followed you into your room. That’s when she told you everything. Finally getting up to make her way towards the door when a shadow slithered in. She laughed softly, “I wonder why it’s here.”

Tilting your head as it floated up in front of you , almost like it was taking you in, “Should we ask ?”

“If you want.”

“Uhh. . . Go get, Azriel. Please.” You said to the shadow.

Then it slithered away, going to get its master hopefully. Feyre and you waited. Then a couple moments later soft knocks sounded at your door.

You rushed to open it seeing if he had actually come.

“You came.” Something like amusement glittering in your eyes.

He gave you a shy small, “You called.”

“Sorry, I don’t mean to bother you but-“ Feyre cut you off. “Did you send the shadow in here ?”

Azriel cleared his throat, “No. They like you" - his eyes hadn’t left yours - "they wanted to see you again. I told them they might scare you so I told them to leave you alone but I guess they didn’t listen.”

Shaking your head, eyes still on his, “They don’t scare me.” He gave you a small nod, understanding what your words meant - he doesn’t scare you.

Then Feyre was walking past you, her hand on Azriel’s arm, “Come on, Let’s let her rest. The mother knows we need it too.”

The next morning after breakfast Rhys offered us that if we wanted we could go back to the Night Court with them if we didn’t feel safe on this side of the wall. We would be protected by him and his inner circle there. The whole time Rhys voiced his offer, Feyre's eyes were pleading you to come, to go “home” with her. Nesta and Elain said no, well Nesta said no for the both of them. Feyre’s voice was quiet, “Y/n ?”

You sighed heavily, “I can’t leave them.” She knew who you were talking about, and nodded solemnly.

They were about to leave when Rhys spoke again, “A squad of soldiers will be patrolling the area, you won’t even know they’re here but they will be. And if one of you" - he looked at you - "or all you change your mind a soldier will be in the drawing room at noon and midnight every day. He will send word back to me and you will be taken back to the Night Court.”

Nesta and Elain gave him a curt nod.

You bowed your head at him, “Thank you.”

He gave you a warm smile then bowed at the waist.

You walked them out, Feyre hugged you, breathing you in. Almost like she was trying to commit you to memory in case anything happened. Your eyes met with Azriel’s as you were hugging her, “Don’t worry. I feel sure we’ll see each other again.” Feyre hugged you tighter but Azriel nodded, he understood that your words were just as much for him as they were for Feyre. And just like that they were gone.

A couple weeks went by and the Queens had sent word that they would agree to meet. And on the day they had agreed, Lucien had sent you a letter that he wanted to speak with you on that same day. So you went. He asked about Feyre and her whereabouts, you didn’t tell him anything. Yes, you were friends but Feyre was your sister. Your loyalty was to her.

Time went by and everyday you thought about telling the Night Court soldier stationed in your home to tell Rhys that you wanted to go. But the thought of leaving Nesta and Elain alone, you couldn’t, you knew how to fight. They didn’t. So you stayed.

More time had passed and the Queens ended up siding with Hybern for their own personal gain. Your sisters and you caught in the middle of it. The three of you were dragged into a room in the King of Hybern’s castle by four of the Queens guards. You stood in front of your sisters protectively, they were still wearing their nightgowns, whereas yours was just in shreds now from you fighting back. Not to mention the bruises and cuts all over your face and body and the blood soaking your night slip.

You had managed to kill eleven of their guards when they appeared in your home and surprisingly six Hybern soldiers. Feyre, Rhys, Mor and Cassian all looked horrified as they took in the youngest sister’s appearance. Their horror was replaced by shock as Azriel let out a growl - sounding more animal than fae - as he saw her. You still hadn’t noticed their presence, your senses were clouded by pure unyielding rage.

Even though you were gagged and bound - they had somewhat ripped from all your fighting - you took a fighting stance as best you could. Your body was going on pure adrenaline. Numb to everything around you, you didn’t hear Elain’s quiet sobs that were muffled by the gag in her mouth or notice Nesta’s disheveled appearance as she panted from fighting back as best she could. Then without even thinking, you scrambled trying to cover Elain and Nesta’s bodies with your own, as the king of Hyberns power slammed into everyone. Power, white and unending. They were shrieking as you let out a cry of pain, his power affecting you.

Feyre was on the ground, Rhys was slammed to his knees along with Mor. Cassian and Azriel were on the ground. Cassian’s wings were shredded apart as he flared them protecting Azriel from the king’s powers. And Azriel was sprawled in a puddle of his own blood, an ash bolt through his chest. Elain let out a sob to warn Feyre of Tamlin’s approach. Mor tried to make a move for the King of Hybern, but Azriel’s cry of pain stopped her. The sound of him in pain finally cleared your senses. Your eyes landed on his and he attempted to move to you, letting out another cry of pain. No doubt the King's doing.

“Stop.” Your voice cold. The king only laughed, stalking towards you.

“Don’t touch her.” Azriel, Rhys, Lucien and Tamlin all growled.

He only laughed again as he ordered one his guards to take you to the cauldron. “Put the beautiful sister in first.” The second the guard was behind you, you slammed the back of your head into his nose and was ready to do more when Azriel let out another cry of pain, and you froze.

The king tsked at you, “Don’t. Don’t do that. Unless you want him dead.”

The rage in your eyes as you glared at him could devour worlds. One side of your mouth curling up into a cruel smile, as you said with lethal softness, “I’m gonna kill you. Not today, not tomorrow, but I’m gonna kill you. All of you.” He beheld the rage in your eyes and understood your words, the weight of them. They weren’t a threat they were a promise. And he faltered back a step, tearing his gaze from yours, before ordering the guard again, to put you in the cauldron. You gave him a wicked smirk that only the devil could replicate, “What’s wrong… scared ?”

The guard holding you slapped you, your head snapped to the side, spitting blood on the King of Hybern’s Face. Teeth covered in blood, giving him a feral smile as you were shoved closer to the cauldron. Then you heard Lucien’s voice, “Y/n. I’m so sorry.”

Then, Tamlin’s, “I am so sorry for everything.” The High Lord of Springs words filled you with more rage.

He’s sorry ? Oh, he’s sorry. He’s sorry. He’s Sorry. HE’S SORRY. HE’S SORRY.

Those were your last thoughts as your head was shoved under the water. The dark black waters of the Cauldron were so cold, that it burned hotter than any fire. It was all consuming just like your rage. You had always been quick to anger - to rage. It was easier to just turn everything you felt into rage. So this time was no different, finally letting it pour out of you in waves.

You had always been forced to give but this time you were going to take.

You couldn’t tell if it had only been seconds or hours since you’d been submerged under. Unknowingly to you, everyone was holding their breath at what they saw. The black cauldron was now glowing red, the dark calm waters now boiling white waters, bubbling over and smoking at the top. It had been too long, you had to be dead - no one could survive this - then both of your hands broke through the water.

Grasping the side of the glowing cauldron, then your head broke through the waters surface. Sucking in a harsh breath as you heard gasps throughout the room.

Blazing brighter than any star, glowing, fire made flesh. The others couldn’t stand to look at you - you burned so bright - as you hauled yourself out of the cauldron. So lost in a primal rage that you hadn’t even noticed your pointed ears and elongated limbs. The cauldron made you High Fae.

Standing to your full height everyone in the room held their breaths, they knew you were different. Felt it. As soon your hands broke through the surface they’d felt it. Your eyes were glowing as you scanned the entire room, no one moved. The look on your face was all rage and power, an avenging goddess. Death Incarnate.

Hearing a noise from your right, you snapped your head in that direction, an injured winged fae male - Azriel - was trying to make his way to you. Trying and failing. He was stopped by a blonde fae female, putting a hand on his chest. Moving it as he growled, “She’s my mate.” You didn’t know why but you just knew you had to get him.

You got as close to him as you could and he seemed to settle a bit. Then, Elain was dragged into the cauldron, scared and crying. It tipped itself on its side and Elain came out soaking wet but now fae. Lucien at her side moments later wrapped his coat around her. Soon after Nesta was thrown in, kicking and screaming. Cassian stirred but quickly succumbed to the pain of his shredded wings. The cauldron tipping itself on its side once more as Nesta came out. All three of you were made different. But when you came out it was as if the world held its breath.

In the end Rhys winnowed Cassian, Azriel and you in the middle of a warm home. Helping to lower Azriel onto one of the sofas, you were going to help Rhys put Cassian on the other but Azriel didn’t let go of your hand. And his cousin, Mor, followed shortly after with Nesta and Elain. While Feyre had been left with Tamlin and Lucien. Elain was still sobbing and Nesta was screaming. You stayed quiet, assessing as Mor and Rhys winnowed healers into the home.

They all crowded around Cassian and Azriel as they start to heal the general’s wings and the wound on Azriel’s chest. Without noticing, your free hand balled into a fist at your side and you had started to glow. A fae female approached you, putting a gentle hand on your shoulder, “You don’t need to see this. Come with us.” Turning to look at her, she had a soft look on her face. “My name is Cerridwen. My sister and I will get you cleaned up.” Nodding over her shoulder as you see her twin sister trying to usher your two sisters up the stairs. Rhys gives you a reassuring nod and you nod at Cerridwen once. Then bend down to play a kiss on Azriel’s lips - you don’t know why you did it - before letting her lead the way, too tired to fight.

The only people you saw for two weeks were the twins and Rhys. Sometimes your sisters. Mostly keeping to yourself because you knew what magic lay beneath your skin, in your veins. You didn’t want to scare anyone, more than you scared yourself. They didn’t know how it felt, how much you struggled to keep it buried. So you’d let it out in little ways, and that was just the flames.

While you were alone, you often stared at yourself in the mirror. It was strange being high fae, it felt familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time. The unnatural elongated features and limbs. Pointed ears and smooth skin. You weren’t just devastatingly beautiful. You were otherworldly and vaguely threatening.

You’d also been having trouble sleeping, Azriel’s shadows would often slither under the door and caress your face, trying and failing to help you fall asleep. But, every time you did sleep you would have a nightmare. It was always the same two. Either, you in the cauldron or Azriel dying. A sharp tug in your chest would always wake you up from them and you’d hear soft footsteps outside your door as you gasped for breath.

Then as soon as you’d catch your breath, they’d leave.

You hadn’t slept two nights in a row, the shadows kept trying to drag you into bed, but you were stubborn. Instead preferring to let flames dance along your fingertips, twining around your now long slender fingers. Batting away the shadows every time they’d grab ahold of your wrist, trying to drag you into your room from the balcony. Then they’d swat you back, on the back of your hand like a child being scolded. On the third night when they tried again and you batted them away, they didn’t do it back. Simply slithering away under the door.

Moments later you heard footsteps getting closer then the door softly clicking open.

You knew who it was, you felt him all the way from the door, even though you were outside. Scenting him as soon as he stepped out onto the balcony.

Azriel.

“The shadows tell me you haven’t been sleeping. Why ?” He said as a way of greeting.

You shrugged, not bothering to look up, “I don’t know.” You mumbled.

“You’re safe now, I promise. Your sisters are too.”

“I’m so tired, Az.” Your voice came out shakier than you expected.

So lost in the flames, that you didn’t realize he was right next to you until he was hauling you into his arms, carrying you back to bed.

Laying on your side, peering up at him, you whispered. “Can you sleep in here tonight ?”

He only stared at you, hazel eyes boring into your as his throat bobbed. “Please.” He nodded, sitting on the edge of the bed, taking off his boots and leathers. Tapping on his shoulder, he turned to look at you.“Can I ask you for one more favor ? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

He nodded his head again, “Can we do skin to skin ? You don’t have to take off your briefs, I’ll leave my panties on, but I just want to feel you. Know that your're there.”

Azriel cleared his throat, “If that’s what you want.” You nodded your head and he did too in response.

Once he was only in his briefs he laid down on your bed, you sat up on your knees facing him, pulling your night slip over your head. He groaned softly, “You’re gonna be the death of me.” You felt your face heat up as you giggled softly, murmuring an apology as you laid on his chest. His large scarred hand moved to rub your back soothingly, helping you fall asleep. Mumbling a thank you as a dreamless sleep claimed you that night.

Azriel squeezed his eyes shut, turning his head against the glare of the morning sun. He always had his curtains drawn and blinds closed so the light wouldn’t wake him when he did manage to sleep in. Even then he never slept in past dawn but it had to be late morning now if the sun was this bright. He was about to move to draw the curtains, freezing when he felt something weighing down on his chest. Knowing it wasn’t anything dangerous because his shadows would’ve told him otherwise, he blinked slowly against the sunlight and saw you.

There, on his chest lay his mate's head with her hair covering part of her face. Your arm was draped over his middle and your leg over his hips, his hand still on the small of your back. Now he knew why he’d slept in for the first time in a long long time, he had finally found his peace… you.

You looked so soft like this, beautiful. Azriel always thought you were beautiful but now that you were on his chest he couldn’t take his eyes off you. Couldn’t resist the urge to use his free hand to push your hair away from your face and trace a scarred finger over your soft features. A small smile graced his lips. You hummed, brows furrowing at the feeling of someone touching you. Azriel only moved his hand to continue playing with your hair.

Then you shifted a bit, showing him more of your face before giving him a sleepy smile as you mumbled, voice still thick with sleep, “Good morning.”

Azriel chuckled softly, “Yeah. It is.”

“How long have you been up ?” You asked, moving your head to lay on his bicep.

“A while.” Azriel breathed.

“Why didn’t you wake me up ? I would’ve moved, if you had something to do.”

“You looked so peaceful, I couldn’t.”

Lips curving up into a teasing smile, “So you mean to tell me, the infamous shadowsinger was scared to wake me up ?”

He laughed at that, “Maybe.”

You moved to sit up, the sunlight streaming in behind you making a golden halo around you. Opening your eyes, stretching your arms out, letting out a soft groan. Azriel gasped softly and you froze, “What ?”

“Your eyes, they- they’re glowing and your hands.” He stuttered as he sat up.

Squeezing your eyes shut, taking a deep breath as you willed your powers back into you. Moving further back on the bed - away from him - your voice quiet, “Sorry I- I didn’t meant to scare you.”

He shook his head, reaching for you, this time you didn’t move, not as his hands cradled your face. “Scary? My gods, you’re divine.” He whispered.

Putting your hands atop his, pulling them off your face, whispering, “What if I hurt you ?”

“You could never hurt me, I’d only feel you.”

Tears lined your eyes, bottom lip quivering, “You don’t know that. I can’t control it yet. I could burn you.”

“I’d let you, I don’t want to control your fire. I need to be near it.” He rasped out.

Your eyes flickered between his, the confession in them. He would. He would let you burn him as long as you were touching him. Azriel wanted to stay away longer, let you adjust but you unknowingly called out to him through the bond. He’d come as close to being outside your door, then turn back, afraid he’d ruin it and scare you. Then you and him would end up like Lucien and Elain. “You should go. I don’t want to hurt you.” You mumbled, looking away, not wanting to see the pain in his eyes. Or him the pain in yours.

“From the moment I met you, all those months ago, not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought of you. And now that I’m with you again. . . I’m in agony. The closer I get it to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you- I can’t breathe. I’m haunted by the kiss that you should’ve never have given me. My heart is beating. . . hoping, that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, Tormenting me. . . What can I do ? –I will do anything that you ask. If you are suffering as much as I am, please, tell me.”

“Kiss me.” You breathed.

His eyes scanned your face, looking for any hesitation, when he found none his lips met yours with an urgent, bruising impact. A desperation that you returned, tracing your tongue over the seam of his lip. You weren’t sure he was breathing. And just to see what he’d do, smirking against his plush lips, you palmed him through his briefs.

He pulled back, throwing his head back in a curse.

You laughed quietly, kissing the scar on his chest from the ash bolt, as he panted. Asking in between the kisses that you were littering down his torso, “Can you keep going ?”

“Your blood healed me,” he gritted out through clenched teeth.

You chuckled softly, “So that’s what Rhys wanted it for.” When you laid your palm flat on him again, you asked, “So this is okay ?”

Azriel was still panting, his breathing jagged, “Don’t stop.”

“Maybe. If you ask nicely.”

“Please, Fireheart.” The nickname made your heart flutter. Kissing him once more, teeth tugging on his bottom lip before pulling down his briefs. Mouth going dry at the sight of him, bare for you.

He was all for you.

Then his hands were in hair, his lips smashing into yours. Large scarred hands roaming your body, trying to memorize all the dips and curves of it. Roughly gripping the swell of your ass, making your chest rise up, sensitive peaked nipples rubbing against him. Azriel did it again, swallowing the moan trying to escape your soft lips.

You move your hand down between your bodies, stroking him, earning a grunt out of him. Then he flipped you, laying you flat against the unmade bed. Pulling back, chests heaving as he rips your panties off your body. Groaning at the sight of your glistening slick covered cunt. He fights to tear his eyes away when he hears a whimper leave your lips. Finding his shadows tugging and swirling around your nipples, while your head is thrown back and your eyes screwed shut.

His scarred thumb moving lightly over your clit makes you look at him through half lidded, lust filled eyes. Azriel’s eyes darken, moving to climb over you, caging you in before applying more pressure to your clit. You whine, “Az, Please.”

“What do you need, Fireheart ?” He says rubbing your clit faster.

Your back bows, “You. I need you inside me, Az”

Azriel gives you a wicked smirk as his eyes glint, “Maybe. If you ask nicely.” He taunts, using your words against you.

“Please.” You cry out.

He chuckles darkly, before praising you, “Good girl.”

Then you feel the head of his cock rubbing between your soaked folds. Azriel looks like he’s barely holding himself back, so you give him a soft nod and then he’s pushing into you. The stretch makes your eyes screw shut in pain and pleasure, crying out as he buries himself in your cunt. Rubbing the side of your thigh as he coos praises at you.

When he’s finally all the way into the hilt, breathing heavily, “Look at me.” He commands. As soon as your eyes meet his, your breath hitches. Something in your chest snapped. You could feel it, almost like a glowing thread inside you. Grasping onto it, you gave it tug and his jaw clenched.

Brows furrowing as you asked “What is that ?”

“The mating bond.” He answered.

You gave the bond another hard tug and he clenched his jaw again, “You’re my mate ?”

“I’m yours and you’re mine.” He claimed, tugging back.

Giving him a feral smirk, possessiveness lacing your voice. “You’re mine.”

Azriel chuckles darkly, before leaning back down and putting his arms under your back to hold on to your shoulders. Then he’s pulling slowly out before slamming back in. Grunting lowly, “Fuck you’re tight-” his words making you moan loudly, “-my perfect little mate.” The sound only urged him to go faster, harder - to claim. All you could hear was your whimpers and strangled screams, his low groans and breathy moans, as he snapped his hips at a merciless pace.

The fire in your tummy spreads, as his cock hit that sweet spot inside of you over and over again. His name on your lips was a prayer and he was your god as writhed beneath him. Completely and utterly at his mercy. “Azriel - Azriel - Azriel !” Hips bucking, chasing a high only he could give you, crying out his name as you were right on the edge.

Your body felt like it was on fire, biting his shoulder as your release barreled through you. His pace slowed but he didn’t stop as you fell apart. Noticing the sheets gripped in your hands were now turning to ash. He didn’t care, all that mattered was you and your pleasure. He praised you, “Let go, Fireheart. That’s it, just like that. Good girl.”

Still out of breath as you told him, “I want to get on top.” His pupils flared, then he flipped the both of you, so you were on top. Legs still shaking as you braced your hands on his tattooed chest, lifting almost all the way off before sliding back down. You felt so full in this new position. His hands gripping your hips, helping bounce on him. The sound of your ass smacking his thighs had him throwing his head back and rolling his eyes. Then he looked at you as you let out a noise you hadn’t made before.

Taking your hands off his chest, holding onto his forearms with your head thrown back as your plush lips parted. Azriel’s name is a desperate plea on your lips as your tits bounce wildly in front of him. His shadows, moving to grope them and circle your clit. He couldn’t take it, he needed to feel you against him.

Pulling you to his chest as he rutted into, you barely had enough time to catch yourself, your hands flat on the bed. Eyes squeezing shut as you got lost in the pleasure he was providing. Without realizing your nail grazed his wing - that was currently splayed beneath him - and he whimpered. Azriel actually whimpered. You froze, thinking you’d hurt him but he just continued fucking you.

So you traced a single finger along the bony structure closer to the base of his wings, he tensed slightly before he whimpered again. “Am I hurting you ?”

“Only if you stop.” He grunted.

You did it again, then moved closer to the base of his wing. Your nail lightly scraping over the smaller ridges that were there. The walls of your cunt fluttering around him as his cock twitched inside of you in response to your touch. A soft whimper falling from his lips before he cursed as you continued exploring his wings.

Azriel hips stuttered, his voice a desperate breathy hiss, “T- There ! Right there.” As you applied more pressure to one of the small ridges. “Please !” He begged, tipping his head back, hazel eyes screwed shut as he shivered in pleasure. “Does that feel good, baby ?” You whispered in his ear, voice sounding like pure sin.

“Mhmm… Fuck.” He groaned.

Placing a kiss on his neck, right below his ear, “Good boy.” You praise.

He rolled his hips against yours, the pace frenzied and erratic. Adding a little more pressure to his wing and his hips stuttered, shadows moving between the two of you, pinching your nipples and rubbing your clit.

His hands dig into your hips, hard enough to bruise as you bite his shoulder again. Azriel bucked into you a few more times, he gave one last deep thrust as he spilled into you, your name on his lips as he fell apart.

Your walls spasming and contracting, milking every drop of his seed as the both of you fell over the edge together. His shadows finally stop their assault on your overly sensitive nipples and clit, moving to push his and your hair away from your faces. Then Azriel shifts you a little, pressing a kiss to your lips and then your forehead.

His lips still against your forehead as he pants softly, “I love you, Fireheart.”

He moves to lean his forehead against yours and then you breathe, “I love you.”

#a court of thorns and roses #acotar #acotar fanfiction #acotar smut #azriel #azriel shadowsinger #azriel spymaster #azriel fanfic #azriel smut #azriel x reader #shadowsinger #shadowsinger fanfic #shadowsinger smut #shadowsinger x reader #spymaster #spymaster fanfic #spymaster smut #spymaster x reader

[stellar-skyy]

WITH YOU— Wanderer x reader.

i. SUMMARY: Wanderer wakes up by his lover's side. ii. CONTENT WARNINGS: References to Wanderer's backstory. iii. NOTES: Fluff, established relationship, gn!reader, they/them pronouns used, 1.1k words. iv. A/N: Written for @ecrin-de-litterature's Kiss (don't tell) event! My matchup was @iceunhie!! Mhie!!! I hope you enjoy!! I'm sorry if this is ooc I am so unused to writing Wanderer ;-;

Every morning Wanderer wakes, he stares.

He can’t help it, truly. He’s always been an early riser, ever since he was a youth. Back then, when he rose from the pile of blankets on the floor he called a bed, it was always well before the other person occupying the house. The young boy—his brother, his family—was the opposite, and would rest until the sun slipped through the cracks under the door and right into his eyes. By then, Wanderer would have returned with a heaping of Lavender melons for breakfast, and they'd enjoy the morning together.

Even with the Fatui, who all woke before the crack of dawn to begin their duties, he was the first to get up. He was lucky enough to witness the horrors of the Knave before she’d drunk a cup of coffee, and the amusement of seeing sleep-deprived new recruits who hadn’t adjusted to the early schedule quite yet.

And now, when the place he lived was no longer empty, and he no longer needed to sleep lightly for fear of a knife to his throat, he still found himself waking with the sun.

The moment dawn began to break, he was already stirring. Within moments of blinking himself awake, he moves to seek out the warm presence by his side, pausing for a moment to watch them as they slept.

His eyes trace every inch of their face, until it was burned into his mind. Every detail; the slope of their nose, the delicate curl of their lashes, each mark on their skin. It would never fail to astound him, just how irrevocably human they were: from the veins tracing spiderwebs across their wrists to the slow thrum of their heartbeat.

He observes carefully, as each inhale of their breath brought their chest up and down. Their lips were just barely parted to let air through. He imagines them curling into that delightfully familiar smile, the one that sent shivers down his spine even after dozens upon dozens of times he’s witnessed it.

That smile could melt him, in a way no other human could. They were the exception to so many rules in his life, breaking past his resentment towards humanity and worming their way into where his heart would be, if he had one.

They were just so undeniably, disgustingly kind.

How else could he describe them, when they were the one to see him with all his sharp edges and still have enough patience to fall in love with him? What other words could he say, when they look upon him every day, knowing the horrors of his past and still having enough faith to believe he can become something good?

Kindness was a stranger to him. Cruel words, and ugly sneers were far more commonly thrown his way. They were a familiarity; a comfortable sort of pain, something easy to swallow.

That’s what no one tells you about being hated: eventually, it feels safe. Eventually there comes a point where you crave their fear, their disgust, like it’s the only thing keeping yourself whole. That’s when they say your name like it’s a curse, and you feel lucky to hear it at all.

‘Love’ is something else entirely. For the longest, love was a burden; love was what left you abandoned on the steps of the Shakkei Pavilion, or exiled from the only place you've ever called home.

But… he loved them. Gods, he loved them. And they loved him too, if the words they told him sleepily before they fell asleep were true. Love was terrifying; it was a feeling so human that he couldn’t possibly know how to handle it.

They began to shift in their sleep, face scrunching up minutely, before their eyes cracked open.

“You staring?” They say, their words slightly slurred with sleep.

Of course. “Of course not. I was just watching how you drool in your sleep. It looked so pathetic that I found myself in awe.”

“Mhm,” They yawn. “Tell me again how much you hate me.”

He hesitated, letting his mask crack for just a moment. “I don’t hate you.”

In terms of love confessions, it was pretty pathetic.

“Ever the romantic, aren’t you? I—” Another yawn cuts through whatever more they were going to say. They hum gently, shuffling closer to rest a head against his shoulder.

If he had a heart, it would be pounding. “Tch. Clingy, aren’t you?”

“I don’t see you pulling away.” They weren’t wrong. Absently, he moved to make himself more comfortable, sliding an arm around their waist and resting his chin on top of their head.

“I could hardly leave you alone, could I? Humans must truly be pitiful creatures, craving affection like they’d starve without it. What would you be without me?”

“Well, if I’m so pitiful, I might as well leave,” They huff, moving to detangle from the mess of sheets and limbs.  

“No! Don’t go,” He blurts out, jolting forward to catch their wrist before they could move away. They blink at his sudden reaction, and he clears his throat awkwardly. “Not yet.”

“Okay,” they say easily, settling back into the bed. This time, Wanderer foregoes the aloofness and moves straight to lay his head on their chest with one ear pressed to where their heart beats.

“Okay. I won’t leave yet.”

That was what he was told, so many times. Every time in the past he heard it—from his mother, his friend, his brother—it was always a lie, but somehow, somehow he believed them when they said it.

“Don’t go…” He murmurs lowly, soft enough that they can barely catch it.

“I won’t,” they say into his hair, soft as a whisper. “I love you.”

I love you. The words were on the edge of his tongue, so close he could taste their sweetness. They were always there, lingering in the back of his throat like something he could never quite swallow down. They were the background of every moment he spent with them, day and night. They were the aftertaste of the dinner he cooked for them, they were the shape of the stitches he used when he mended their clothing; in every action he takes, three words he can’t bring himself to say.

“You don’t have to tell me you love me back,” They kiss the crown of his head. “I already know.”

But one day he’s going to say it back to them.

reblogs and comments are appreciated! ♡

#✒️ — writing #— kiss (don’t tell) ! #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #genshin wanderer x reader #wanderer x reader #genshin impact fluff #wanderer fluff #wanderer x gn reader #wanderer x gender neutral reader

[thefrontofmymind]

nothing's changed (teacher!ross x teacher!reader)

a/n: here she is! this was like the longest oneshot i think ive ever written. i would like to thank @hypersonic04 and @abiiors for letting me talk at them about this, i needed the encouragement.

WC: 7.1k

masterlist

The music in the crowded club was overbearing. You were never one for parties in your teenage years, and the same could be said for your two years so far at university. You could hardly think straight. 

Shuffling between the hoards of people–as drunk as you wish you were, just so you could loosen up just a little–balancing the drinks for yourself, your flatmate, and her newest boyfriend. You quickly placed them on the table your group had set up shop at, the three glasses were moments away from slipping between your fingers.

“Last drink here, is that alright?” You flatmate, Ellie, yelled into your ear.

You nodded.

“Okay.” She took a sip of her vodka, lime and soda. “Some of Jack’s friends are at a bar like two minutes away, we were gonna link up with them for a while.”

You just nodded again. You were always going along with her, and her boyfriends’, plans. Ellie was always so much more social than you. You met the first week of your first semester at a Fresher’s party and you’d just clung on since then. 

For you, university was a means to an end, not for fun–because it was always more stressful than fun for you. The end in question; a fulfilled life. Living in a comfortable life with a job that you didn’t have to love, just not hate, in a flat that didn’t have to be the fanciest, just not the dingiest, in a historical city with good enough public transport. 

You downed your drink as fast as you could, just itching to get back to your flat to have a nice shower and to lay in your fresh sheets.

It was colder outside than what you remembered it being like only an hour ago, the wind had picked up and went right through the denim jacket that was wrapped tightly around you.

The three of you walked to the next bar. Jack had an arm around Ellie, pulling her into his side to keep her warm. You walked alone.

“So what are these friends like, then?” You asked on the way.

“They’re so nice! You’ll love them!” Ellie said excitedly. Obviously the four drinks she had at the last club had caught up to her.

“They’re good blokes,” Jack answered. “You’ll like ‘em, I think, a lot of them are into music stuff so you’ll get on with them.”

Pretty much the only thing Jack seemed to know about you was that you were studying music teaching, so if some of his friends–who you assumed would be just as…’lad-ish’ as him–had the same interests as you, perhaps this wouldn’t be a total drag of a night. Who knows, maybe you could even get one interesting conversation out of it.

You got through quite quickly, being a group of mostly women, the security guards ushered you three right in. This bar was a bit calmer; not as packed and they were playing music that was more than just electronic beeps over and over again.

Jack pointed out a group huddled in the corner. Probably around 10 people, all laughing with each other.

After multiple introductions of “I’m Ellie’s flatmate” you could finally get to the bar and get another drink. As you were waiting, a figure walked to stand beside you. One of the guys you’d just met, but for the life of you, you couldn’t remember his name in the blur of everyone you’d just met. …Ron? No that’s not right…Chris?

He smiled at you politely. It was only then that you realised you’d just been staring at his face with your eyebrows furrowed in thought. You quickly snapped out of it, focussing your gaze on the bartender who was slowly making her way through the hoard around you.

“So I didn’t catch it…what are you studying?” He asked.

“Music teaching, focusing on secondary school,” you answered.

“That’s cool,” he said. “I’m studying teaching too, history.”

“Are you a second year?”

“No, third. You?”

“Second.”

“Right…that’s why you asked me if I was second…” He said, seemingly mostly to himself. “I’m in a band though.”

“Oh! Really?” You asked with a smile.

Your drink was finally handed to you, but you stood at the bar and waited for…Ryan? To order.

“Yeah, with Matty and Adam over there…” He pointed to the group, though you had no way of knowing which of them was Matty and which was Adam. “I’m the bassist.”

“Always the coolest instrument!” You commented.

Once he’d gotten his pint, you both walked back over to the booth the group was currently occupying. You were glad it was more of a ‘sit down and drink and talk’ kind of bar and not a ‘dance with sweaty strangers in the dark’ kind of one. The man slid onto the end of the booth, before shoving the person next to him to shuffle over, then patting the newly made spot next to him. You sat down. It wasn’t a lot of room, but when he noticed, he kept an arm around your waist to keep you from slipping. The only thing you could think was just how comfortable it all felt.

“So this is Matty, the-uh-singer,” he said pointing to the guy next to him with square-framed glasses and a mop of dark hair on top of his head. A stark contrast from the buzzcut of the man with the arm around you.

“Oh c’mon I’m more than just the singer, Ross!” Ross! It was right on the tip of your tongue!

You barely even thought of Ellie, your safety, the rest of the night. You drank and chatted with Ross and you didn’t think you’d ever enjoyed someone’s company as much as his. Somehow, you both just understood each other, you agreed on everything.

The clock ticked on and the group began to get thinner and thinner. Ellie crouched next to you at your spot in the booth around 3.

“We were thinking of going home,” she said. You didn’t want to leave. You didn’t want to go back to being lonely and be forced to listen to Ellie and Jack have sex through the wall for the thousandth time. She saw your face. “Please! My feet are killing me and I just want to go home!”

“I’ll be happy to take you home if you don’t want to leave yet?” Ross piped in, looking at you.

You nodded without even thinking.

“Okay!” Ellie said. “See you later!”

Her and Jack were out the door in seconds flat, leaving you now with a group of only four strangers. Well, three strangers and Ross.

You joined in the conversation between the group for a while, but it was getting late and you were starting to get tired. You leant more into Ross, resting your head on his shoulder.

“Want me to take you home?” He whispered to you–now possible with just the last stragglers left in the bar.

You groaned. “Those two are probably fucking, I really don’t want to walk into that.”

He let out a small chuckle. “Well, do you want to come back to mine then?”

You knew what he meant with the question. And it was something you didn’t have to ponder on much at all.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

After saying your ‘goodbye’s and ‘it was great to meet you’s to the group, you and Ross left, his hands never leaving your waist as you let him out onto the street.

“It’s just down this way,” he said, nodding his head to further up the now pretty deserted street. “Couple minutes.”

On any other night, you would’ve been scared to walk around the city at night, but with Ross you just felt so safe. With a constant grip on your hand as you both walked, you never felt unsupported.

His flat was small–expected with him being a student like yourself. You noted the bass sitting on a stand in his living room, and the teetering stack of textbooks next to it.

“Do you want some tea or something?” He asked, moving to his kitchen to click the kettle on and get a bottle of milk out of the fridge. “I also have coffee if you want, but-y’know-it’s a bit late.”

“Tea sounds good,” you answered. “With two sugars, please?”

“Of course,” he said.

As he made the tea, you got comfortable on his sofa–taking off your trainers and settling into the corner of it. You began to daze out, your eyelids were getting heavier and heavier. You didn’t even notice them shut completely until you heard a light clank of Ross placing the two mugs on the coffee table. You jumped awake.

“Sorry! Didn’t mean to wake you!” He said.

You moved your legs from taking up the whole sofa so he could sit. Without words he pulled your feet onto his lap, like it was the most natural position in the world.

“I wasn’t asleep!”

“No, you’re right,” he answered. “Snoring with your eyes shut is always the make of someone wide awake.”

“Oh God, was I snoring?” You suddenly felt so insecure. Sure, you felt so comfortable with Ross but you still only met him a few hours prior, it wasn’t time for you to be so…honest.

“A little,” Ross said. “More like little snorts, it was cute.”

You couldn’t help but blush a little. “You’ll need to play me a song one time.” You motioned to the teal bass on the other side of the room.

“Oh, I don’t know…Bass lines are so boring, they're like nothing.”

“Hello? You’re talking to a music student here!” You laughed. “If anyone would appreciate bass, it’s me.”

“One day then…” He grinned.

Conversation was just so easy. Even in your exhausted half-asleep state, you were never bored and it all just flowed so easily. Somehow talking to Ross–now alone–woke you up.

You weren’t sure when it happened, but somehow, you’d scooched down the whole length of the sofa, and were perched in Ross’ lap, wrapped in his arms.

Your faces were so close together, it would’ve been weird if you didn’t kiss him. And boy, were you glad you did. You've watched so many movies throughout your life where they talk about fireworks with the perfect kiss, and you thought it was just a movie cliche, until now. His kiss was warm, but somehow at the same time, like a breeze of fresh air. There was no awkward shuffling around, you both just fit together so well.

You felt his tongue swipe across your lips, you opened them. As the kiss got deeper and deeper, you both got more and more handsy–roaming around each others’ bodies, discovering every curve and outline of each other.

Eventually you had to part for a proper breath, though you didn’t stray far, keeping your forehead resting against his.

“Hi,” you said once you’d both opened your eyes again.

“Hi,” he chuckled.

You wanted to go further, you really did, but fatigue was hitting all your muscles at once, you couldn’t go on.

“I’m sorry…I’m really tired,” you said.

“Don’t apologise, it’s okay,” Ross answered. “Do you want to just go to bed here?”

You nodded. “Do you have like a shirt or something I could change into?”

“Yeah, of course.”

It felt like when you were a kid after a long summer day, so exhausted and yearning for the comfort of rest. Ross’ bed welcomed you well, so cosy and soft you practically sank into it.

You’d never gotten to sleep easier than that night, in the arms of a stranger who you felt like you’d known forever.

~~~

You thought after you were out of school, the end of summer wouldn’t affect you as much. Though you didn’t take into account that the end of summer would mean the start of your working year.

For some reason you were nervous–a new school with new students and new coworkers to meet, but that wasn’t something foreign to you. It was your sixth school, your second as a full time teacher. This time you were replacing a retiree, big shoes to fill.

You walked through the hall that would take you to your class, a route you took a couple times during the summer to prep the room and make sure you knew the layout just a little–though the ladies in the reception office were kind enough to give you a printout of a map of the school, you never were all that great with anything visual.

You got there early, there was a staff meeting before the start of the day and you wouldn’t miss it for the world. After setting up the room for your first class, Year 9’s, you headed off. You weren’t alone in the route, a woman about your age came out of the room next to yours.

“You must be the new music teacher!” She said. “I’m Lou, drama teacher.”

After introducing yourself, you both walked together. You couldn’t quite hide your nerves, you’d never been able to hide any emotion well.

“Don’t be nervous, alright?” She placed a reassuring hand on your forearm. “After the old bag Higgins before you, the bar could not be any lower.”

“So I won’t be hazed or anything?” You joked.

“God, no! Some of us threw a party the day he announced his retirement!”

You smiled. At least now some of your fears were alleviated.

But just as some fear left you, your blood ran cold with shock as you walked into the staff room. Standing at the coffee machine, was the man you hadn’t seen since you were in university, the man that still had the power to shatter your heart into a million pieces now over a decade after you last spoke. Ross.

He was bigger–burlier–than before. And his hair was long, tied up neatly in a small bun on the crown of his head. You were surprised at how he pretty much looked the exact same, just different. You could tell his skin had seen a good handful of sunny days, and as he squinted to look at the screen of the fancy coffee machine, you could see the lines on the corners of his eyes that showed a decade full of smiles and laughter.

Lou stared at you, as you stared at him. You were frozen in place, silent as a church mouse. Once the new figure had caught his eye, he saw you.

“Hi…” He said. And seemingly without thinking, his feet brought him to stand in front of you and his arms independently wrapped you in a hug–a hug you hadn’t had in years.

“It’s been forever!” You squeezed him as tight as you could.

In the elation you felt, you realised that a coworker who you’d only known for about five minutes was still standing next to you two.

“So you know each other then?” She asked.

“We went to uni together!” Ross grinned. How you missed his smile.

The headmistress, Janine–your boss–entered the staff room.

“I see you’re getting to know the rest of the team,” she said, sternly.

“Old friends catching up, Janine,” Ross answered.

The whole staff sat down at the tables around the room as Janine called to attention. You panicked for a second–suddenly you were back to worrying about who to sit with–until Ross pulled a chair next to the one he’d settled in.

~~~

You woke up to glaring sunlight, and an unfamiliar bed. You quickly put the pieces together from the night before; the bar, and Ross, and his flat. 

You could hear his TV on through the closed bedroom door. You didn’t know why you were trying to be quiet, maybe somehow Ross forgot about your existence and you didn’t want to frighten him. Opening the door, you were met with the sight of Ross on the sofa, watching an old episode of Gavin And Stacey.

“Good morning,” you said, all gravelly.

“Morning.”

He didn’t look at all ill at ease, unlike you. He was ever so relaxed lounging on the sofa with his legs taking up the whole length of it.

“Can I sit?” You asked.

He patted his lap. It was a bold move, but one that you wouldn’t say no to. You laid on top of him on the sofa, shuffling a little to get comfortable. You instantly felt warmer as he held you. 

“I’m sorry about last night?” You said.

“What d’you mean?”

“Like you bringing me here and then us not…you know.”

“Oh, don’t apologise,” he scoffed. “I didn’t…ask for it.”

“Well you kind of did…”

“I was doing a favour for a friend,” he answered. “You needed a place to stay, and I had a place.”

“So we’re friends then…” You said–more to yourself than to Ross.

“If you want to be.” You felt his hand on the small of your back grip like the tiniest bit tighter.

“I don’t know if I could be just a friend,” You said. “But I’m not…ready to be more than a friend.”

“I’m sure we could figure out an arrangement.”

And you kissed him. Even with the morning breath and the awkward angle, it had as much heat and fire as you kiss from the night before. This was definitely something you couldn’t give up.

~~~

Ross was kind enough to walk you back to your class. ‘In case you get lost’ was his reasoning–not that you complained. You two got right back into the rhythm of the past, talking like you hadn’t spent years desperately not trying to look each other up to see what you both were up to.

It was kind of strange. It was like you’d been transported back to being your nineteen year old self again, anxiety and all. Though like then, simply Ross’ presence was enough to calm you. It was muscle memory, walking close enough to him to feel the warmth off his skin and keeping the pace to keep up with him.

Saying goodbye to him at your door, it was hard to not ask him to stay–like old times, though now he really couldn’t stay, and no badgering and begging would be able to convince him.

You just couldn’t fathom your luck. Out of thousands of schools you could’ve worked at, the one that hired you was the one he worked at. You thought you would never see him again after…everything. You didn’t realise that you were very well close to losing that vivid memory of his face, his smile, the joy he brought to a room.

Your morning lessons were spent trying not to think of him. You were working, you had to focus. Your students weren’t nearly as intimidating as you thought they would be, it seems they all had the same sentiment for your predecessor as your coworkers had. 

And by lunchtime, you already had a few favourites. A group of Year 10s who sat at the very front of the room and constantly asked you questions about yourself instead of the material you were teaching–Hayley, Daniel and Lily. You told them a little; where you grew up, the music you liked as a teenager, and you may have let it slip that you knew a teacher, though you managed to catch yourself before letting them in on who. You didn’t quite know how to approach all this, you didn’t know quite what you could say. You should talk to Ross first, it won’t be an easy conversation but it has to be talked out.

You didn’t have to wait long, because as you sat at the desk in your classroom, fiddling with the salad you brought from home while going over your lesson plans, you heard a knock on the door.

“Yes?” You said, trying to put on your best ‘teacher voice’.

“It’s me.” A voice you recognised very well.

Ross stepped into your classroom–oh so gently, as if his steps had the capability to break the floorboards. He took a seat at the desk closest to you. 

“So how’s everything so far?” He asked. “No one giving you trouble?”

“Couldn’t ask for better pupils,” you answered with a smile.

“Good…I’d have to tell them off otherwise.”

You laughed. “I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of that!”

“Oh c’mon you know I’m not scary…” He leant in to whisper to you. “Just don’t tell all them.”

You were surprised at just how natural it all came back to the two of you, falling back into that groove. You had a great sense of relief, gaining more and more with each playful quip.

Though soon enough you heard the bell that meant the end of lunchtime, and Ross had to go back to his classroom.

“So I’ll see you, then,” you said to him.

“Yeah, coworker,” he smiled.

~~~

You got into a routine with Ross. You acted like friends most of the time, but with enough liquor or loneliness running through you, you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. You loved the exhilaration of sneaking away on nights out with your amalgamation of friends to get up to filthy things at whoever’s flat was closer–or a public bathroom or two if it was just too far of a trek.

All your friends pretended not to notice your looks at each other, not because they disapproved, it just wasn’t something you two either spoke about–even when Ross would spend the night at your flat and Ellie would get a fright in the morning seeing him making two cups of tea in the kitchen. It was more like an open secret, something people only knew about if they really paid attention.

You both still went on dates with other people, that was part of the appeal. You only wanted flings, and it seemed that no one else was on the same page as you–apart from Ross. And it worked the other way too, you knew Ross would go on just as many first dates as you, though he never really divulged to you like you did to him. You worried he didn’t want to hurt your feelings–like you could have your feelings hurt…

You were never as happy when you weren’t with him, sweaty and basking in the afterglow. You told each other everything, all your secrets, all your stories from your childhoods, everything you hoped for in the future. Something with the two of you just fit, call it fate or whatever else you believe in, but somehow you met at just the right time for it all to come together perfectly. Well, almost perfectly.

“Did you have any boyfriends when you were in school?” He asked one morning when you both had nowhere to be and made yourselves very comfortable in his bed.

“Jealous?” You laughed.

“Just making conversation…” He explained with a smile.

“There was one, Will, he was nice…” You answered. “And no one else of much importance.”

“Well what made him so important?” Ross asked.

“He was my first boyfriend, my first love, you know?”

Ross sighed. “Not really, not been in love before.”

“Really? Not ever?” You asked in disbelief.

“I guess I’ve just been too busy for it,” he answered.

You felt bad. As much as love had hurt you, it was a good kind of hurt, the kind you need in your life.

“It’s not that bad,” he continued. “I don’t lead a totally sad life.”

“I know…”

~~~

Your spine felt like jelly as you cleaned up your classroom after the end of the school day on your first Friday. A couple of the teachers you’d gotten close with had planned a little night out to welcome you–Ross included–and as much as you appreciated the gesture, nights out were never really your thing. You wondered if Ross told them, you wondered if they knew at all about your history. Though he was never much one for confrontation, that must’ve been it.

You were going to get a ride with Lou. You realised you both lived just a street away from each other and you really didn’t feel like forking out your entire life savings for one Uber ride. She’d become a sort of guardian angel for you–showing you the ropes in your first week. You had Ross as well, and he helped when he could, but you pretty much resided on opposite sides of the school and you couldn’t exactly go all the way to him every time you had a question or query. You’d gotten comfortable with your coworkers at school but not out of that very controlled environment, a night out would show the real you.

You’d chewed the ends of your fingers raw once you’d gotten home to shower and get properly ready. You were very quickly going into a spiral. What if I say something wrong? What if I get too drunk? What if I don’t get drunk enough and don’t enjoy myself? What if Ross has told them everything?

You checked your phone as you were waiting for your post-shower skincare to sink in. There was a text from Lou just to confirm your address and then another text from a contact you haven’t seen for years.

looking forward to tonight! see you there! -Ross

It took you by surprise. Not the message, itself, but the notion that he would have to sign off on a text, otherwise you wouldn’t know who it was. You smiled at the thought of him worrying that after all these years you’d deleted his number from your phone, and then when you realised he had kept your number just as long. You typed a reply.

you know me! buzzing for it! (no really, you know me…i’m giving it a go)

A bubble popped up immediately, showing he was typing. Like touching a hot pan, you instinctively threw your phone onto your bed the second you saw it. After a minute or so you looked at your phone again. No notifications. Must’ve been a mistake, you thought.

You got ready for the night. You hadn’t worn this much makeup in ages, but you thought for a special night, you should make the effort.

Lou was at your doorstep with an Uber in tow at 7 o’clock on the dot. You’d been so frantic with getting ready for the night and feeding your cat, Benny, and giving him enough attention to last him until you’d get home, you hadn’t checked your phone after that dreaded but brief conversation with Ross. You saw a text from him sent an hour after your last message.

good to know nothings changed!

With a yell of “bye, Benny!” you left with Lou.

“So now that we’re not working…” She started. “Can you tell me how you and Ross…know each other?”

You let out an awkward laugh. You did tell her that you couldn’t talk about it at school, you had the fear of God in you that a student could walk by at any moment and hear it all. But still, you hadn’t spoken to Ross about it, you didn’t want to overstep and embarrass him.

“We knew each other during uni,” you answered.

“Well I already knew that!” She said–a little too loud.

You laughed with her. “What has he told you?”

“That you two were friends…But I’m not stupid, I saw the way you two looked at each other.”

“It’s not my place to tell you everything.”

“So there is a story there!” She yelled.

You couldn’t help but laugh again, though not without a tinge of fear that that was enough for her to know everything in some psychic link between the two of you that you were unaware of.

The pub wasn’t far, you arrived at the curb in about fifteen minutes. Lou checked her phone as you both climbed out of the modern sedan.

“I got messages from Tracy and Nathan, they’re already here, and…Leanne isn’t far away.” She said. Upper English, Social Studies, and Phys Ed, respectively. You hadn’t met a single teacher so far who you didn’t like, everyone was so welcoming to you. Janine, the headmistress and your boss, on the other hand…It wasn’t that she didn’t like you, you figured she just liked things done a certain way and you didn’t exactly fit the mould there.

It was pretty busy inside–not a surprise for 7 o’clock on a Friday night–but it didn’t take you long to see the group who all excitedly yelled their ‘hello’s to you. You quickly got settled with a drink in the booth that Tracy was lucky enough to snag in the lively pub. Soon the group got bigger and bigger. Still, you had yet to see the man who could not stop invading your mind. 

By 9:30, you were yearning to see him–in all his newly grown-up glory.

At ten, you had become resigned to the fact that he was just not going to show up. All your worry and effort was for nothing. You didn’t think he would be like this, he was never like this. After his texts, and then his resounding absence, you truly didn’t know what he was getting at. You just wanted to hole up in your bed and try to forget this whole embarrassing ordeal.

“I think I’m gonna head home,” you said to Lou–admittedly slurring a little, time seemed to pass quicker, the more drinks you had.

“Would you mind going alone? I don’t-I’m not ready to leave just yet,” she answered, just as intelligible as you.

“No worries.” You pulled up the Uber app on your phone as you stepped out of the pub. You pulled your jacket closer to your body as a shiver ran up your spine, it was just beginning to get colder, though you could only really tell during the later hours.

The street was busy, people walking–or stumbling–by you, trying to find the next bar in their nightly crawl. Somehow, you got caught between two people at the most perfect–or imperfect–time. You tripped on one passerby’s foot and saw the pavement get shakily closer. 

Until two firm hands caught you by your shoulders.

“You alright, darling?” You could recognise that voice anywhere.

“Hi,” you said, finally looking up at Ross. There was a panicked look in his eye. “Yeah, you?”

“Yeah, I’m good,” he answered. You steadied yourself on your feet and you both floated closer to the front of the pub you were just in to avoid the foot traffic. “Sorry I’m late, Matty–you remember Matty?–his girlfriend broke up with him the other week and he’s been having a hard time, there was a crisis.”

You breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to come, he couldn’t.

“It’s all good,” you grinned. “I was actually just about to head off though…Tired.”

He let out a knowing chuckle. “Well could I come home with you?” He saw your eyes widen for just a second. “I mean, I was only coming to catch up with you…Pretty hard to do if you’re not there…”

“I’ve just ordered an Uber,” you said without even thinking. Not like you had to think, the answer would always be a ‘yes’.

You couldn’t stop looking at him while you waited for the car. He looked more confident than when you’d seen him last, like he was easily carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders–and was happy to do so. You barely even noticed that your hand was in his until he squeezed it to get your attention.

“You alright?” He asked. “With all this?”

You didn’t quite know what he meant. With the job, this night out, or him. But the answer was the same for all of the above. You nodded. He smiled, and in an act that felt as natural as breathing, he brought your hands up to his lips to place a kiss on the back of your much-too-cold hand. It was the kind of kiss you’d see with a couple married for decades, nothing too passionate but with just enough love–that frightened you just a little, if you were completely honest.

The ride was silent. You daren’t utter a word for fear that Ross would know how you felt about his warm palm planted firmly on your thigh.

At your flat, you made tea for the two of you. You couldn’t help but reminisce on the first night you knew him, when he brought you back to his tiny flat in the middle of Manchester and was kind enough to be your friend. It was strange how your life seemed so cyclical.

It was quite cold in your flat, you always worried if you turned on the heating when you were out that Benny would get too hot. Speaking of the dark grey feline, you noticed him jump when you came home not alone, he quickly retreated to his cat tree in the corner of your living space. You just laughed and told Ross that he did that with everyone he didn’t know.

You handed Ross his cup of tea–no sugar with just a splash of milk and eye-wateringly strong–and sat down on the sofa next to him. 

You were transported to that night in your second year of uni, the night you started your friendship with Ross. A night when you could’ve been swallowed whole by your loneliness, but were instead embraced by a stranger who you very much grew to…like. A lot…

“So…” You sighed once you were comfortable. “How’s Matty doing?”

“He’s alright…Just…you remember what he’s like…” He answered.

You laughed. “Always…”

“He’s alright though…Just has his moments…” He chuckled. “And then I told him I was going to see you and he got excited.”

“What? And you weren’t excited to see me?” There was a sudden streak of courage running through you.

“I’m always happy to see you, love.” He was laughing, but you both knew there was truth in his statement.

“Good,” you smiled. “Got a bit upset when I thought you wouldn’t show.”

It suddenly dawned on you the glaringly obvious fact that instantly snapped you out of whatever trance you were in. You were coworkers. You had to be professional, even if it was him.

Now his smile–one you could just about read as giddy–made your heart drop into your stomach. His eyes were so soft, a glaze over them–not from tears, just admiration for who he was looking at. Your smile faltered. Ross noticed.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, sounding very serious.

“I…” You didn’t quite know how to phrase it. “We can’t…It’s not…professional.”

He sighed, then stayed silent for a moment.

“It’s not that I wouldn’t want to,” you continued. “But if anyone found out…it would be hell.”

“Well then how about we just don’t tell anyone?” He asked quickly. 

The question was enough for your body–independently from your mind–to launch across the sofa and into Ross’ lap. You placed a gentle hand on his cheek. You weren’t used to his now-thicker beard, it was much smoother and softer than his old stubble. 

Kissing him was like returning back to your childhood home after years of not visiting. You still knew him so well–his taste and  the softness of his lips, it was so familiar to you.

As you deepened the kiss, your tongues now well into exploring the familiar landscapes of each other’s lips, your hand that was so firmly planted on his cheek travelled further back. On some kind of instinct your fingers laced through the hair at the back of his neck, tugging just a little on the roots. Ross let out a deep moan into your mouth, you couldn’t help but grin a little into the kiss. Duly noted.

~~~

It was the first day of spring when you finally had the realisation that sent a shock down your spine. As the flower buds began to grow it became apparent that you only had a couple short months before Ross would graduate. You’d had conversations back when the only way to get warm was to be in his embrace, his plan was London. A city with more job opportunities than you knew what to do with. 

It was like all of a sudden you were dreading seeing him, like you were putting off the last time. You couldn’t admit it to yourself then, but you knew that his impending departure would be heartbreaking.

After three days of radio silence, you found him sitting on the curb in front of your building. You were frozen in your spot.

“Sorry, I know this is kinda weird of me,” he said, standing up from his place on the concrete. “You haven’t answered my texts, I got worried.”

Your heart both warmed, and shattered even more at the same time. It was getting dark, and it wasn’t quite the time of year for warmer nights yet.

“Sorry, I’ve been…” You couldn’t quite think of an end to that sentence. You let him into the flat with you.

Ellie was out for the night, so you planned for a night alone–a feast for one in the reusable bag you placed on the kitchen counter. Ross slid off his shoes at the door–something he always did–and got comfortable on your sofa. As you put away the groceries you heard your TV turn on the flicking of switching channels. There was something so domestic about it. You let yourself daydream for a moment that this could be your life if you so pleased, putting away groceries while Ross watched TV. You snapped out of the fantasy when he spoke.

“GoldenEye is on!” He called out to you. You’d had many conversations about your favourite movies as kids, and all the James Bond movies were his–as well as the video game.

You floated to the sofa after everything was safely in its place. You’d watched the latter half of the film all the way to the end credits without even realising. Somewhere along the way, you’d gotten comfortable in Ross’ embrace–a common home for you as of late. Your cheek was beginning to hurt from laying on his chest watching the small TV on the other side of the room.

Ross wriggled a little, so you sat up, realising just how tired you were. With a stretch and a yawn, you let him sit up properly. The film was a nice distraction for a little while.

“I’m sorry,” you said after a much-too-long silence between the two of you.

“For what?” He asked.

“You know what,” you answered. “I’m just…not dealing well.”

“I got that,” he chuckled. “I am too. But what do we do?”

“I don’t know…” You said, your final word cracking as your eyes welled with tears.

Ross was immediately engulfing you in one of his almost-bone-crushing hugs, and you let the tears fall. 

“I didn’t mean to get like this,” you said through sobs.

“I know.”

“And I’m gonna miss you so much.”

“I know,” he repeated. “We were good while it lasted, eh?”

“So that’s it?”

He’d finally pulled away again, giving you the chance to wipe your tears and snotty nose on your sleeves. You looked at him, he was just as teary with such an…apologetic look on his face.

“I’m so sorry, darling,” he said.

“Can you at least stay for the night?”

“Of course.”

~~~

You went back to work on Monday with a spring in your step. You spent the whole weekend in your flat, just the two of you. It was like before, only better. The sex was better, the conversations were so easy,  you were right back where you were, and you couldn’t be happier about it.

Ross left your flat late on Sunday night, and you hadn’t spoken to him since then. Granted, it had only been around twelve hours, you were still itching to see him again. Not the time, though, you had a job to do, so you tried not to think of him.

At the start of morning break, you were stuck in your classroom helping out a student, Daniel, on some of his homework. Though you were happy to help him out, he and his small group had been so nice to you and you’d already found yourself getting carried away with conversations with the three of them during most of your Year 10 lessons in the past week.

You heard a knock on the doorframe, three firm knocks, to be exact.

“Yes?” You asked. You hoped you knew who it would be, and you were right. You watch Ross walk in, dressed in a crisp light blue button-up and the hair that you’d been pulling on all weekend was neatly tied up into a small bun. “Ah, Mr MacDonald!”

You saw the look of panic in his eyes as he noticed the 14 year-old boy that was standing at your desk with you. He straightened up a little and pulled a smile you could go wobbly-kneed over.

“Hi Mr MacDonald…” Daniel said.

“Hello, Daniel,” he answered. “Not causing any trouble?”

You saw a cheeky grin shared between the two of them. It warmed your heart at thinking of Ross having in-jokes with students, you knew he was a good teacher.

“I promise,” Daniel laughed.

“Good, or else I’ll have something to do about it.” Ross slyly winked to you, making you have to stifle the giggle that almost erupted from your lips.

“Won’t be a minute,” you said to him.

“No worries,” Ross answered, taking a seat at his usual desk for your break-meetings, the one closest to your desk in the front corner of the room. Taking out the packet of crisps from his bag and trying to eat them with as minimal crunches as possible–as to not disturb you.

You didn’t fail to notice the wide eyes of the student in front of you. You had to keep from laughing until he’d left the room.

“Well that rumour’ll be all over school by lunch,” Ross laughed.

“You think?” 

“Oh yeah, I know that kid, he’ll be flipping his shit about it!”

“Does it worry you?” You asked, but Ross looked confused. “Rumours…that we’re together and all that.”

“Well they’re true aren’t they?”

“That’s not the point, I just don’t want to jeopardise our jobs or anything.”

“If someone asks, we can just say it’s a rumour,” he answered. He caught your brief look of worry for just a split-second. “Hey? That doesn’t mean I don’t…love you any less.”

You couldn’t fight the Cheshire cat smile that spread across your face. “Really?”

“Of course. We can just tell them when we’re ready.”

#ross macdonald x reader #ross macdonald imagine #ross macdonald fluff

[steelycunt]

sorry if you’ve been asked this a thousand times, but how is it going with your pride au? so excited for, still thinking about the little snippet you posted a while ago. 

hi no not at all!! honestly love being asked about it it makes me very happy when people do because i like talking about it : ^ ) rambled a bit so ill put it under the cut with a little snippet!!

it’s going well thank you!! ive done quite a bit in the last couple of weeks by my own standards, and im looking at the last leg of chapter two now!! im quite a slow writer n will probably have to ease off soon for uni stuff, but as it stands the five chapters look like they will be about 20k each give or take a few thousand!! currently i have done about 31/32k so it’s already the longest thing ive ever written…truthfully though i think 95k is far too long so hopefully itll be reduced when i redraft it all. but yah!! having a lot of fun…chapter two is where it starts getting really fun (for me. hopefully it’s fun from chapter one for other people or we’re in trouble) i think chapter one and the start of two stressed me out a bit because there’s a lot more plot and a big ensemble cast im really not used to writing, but a lot of the major details have been established now!! and im really enjoying it...im quite happy with what im writing and im looking forward to being able to share it : ^ )

i.

ii.

#telegram #anon #pride au #r/s #snippet #my fic

[sunoksunny]

It’s All Ending Now | N.RK

Pairing: nishimura riki x kumiho!reader (fem)

Genre: written for @svngcore​‘s ‘so ends the myth’ collab; fluff, angst, fantasy, based on a myth (kumiho)

Warnings: minor character death, blood, wounds, violence, weapons, kissing, hints at misogyny, heeseung being slightly insane, near death experiences, large timeskips

Word Count: 10k (10,883)

Synopsis: As a kumiho, it was only natural that you would kill. However, you put limits and standards on who you took the hearts off. You only messed with boys who showed blatant disrespect for the world around them and gave them what they deserved. All of them turned out to be the same in the end, they always did. But when you lock eyes with a boy through your window, you get a sense that something is different. Will this be the exception you have silently wished for? Or will both your hearts end up crushed, hopeless against the winds of fate?

Author’s Note: guys i really procrastinated this one BUT i’m actually quite happy with how it turned out. it is by far the longest fic ive written, my previous longest one was only 3k,,, so um yea i kinda had a field day. but thank you soul for hosting this collab, i had so much fun writing this even if i struggled a bit to meet the deadline due to me procrastinating (i literally had the idea for this since the beginning of the collab and only started actually writing it like a week ago HA...) i hope you all enjoy !!

“What’s a pretty girl like you doing out here in the woods?”

You turned your head towards the voice, meeting the eyes of a brunette boy hovering over you. You quickly scrambled up, dropping your hands away from the berries you had been picking. Of course, you hadn’t actually planned on picking them, but you needed something as an excuse to lead him away.

You stifled your giggle as you watched the boy stare at you in what could only be described as awe. You feigned surprise at having been seen and looked around in worry, leaning closer to call to him.

“Please don’t tell anyone, I just wanted to pick some berries as a gift for my mother. She really loves them, but she’s too sick to get them herself, so I thought I could pick some for her.” 

You took a second to admire the boy’s features. His face was gently round with small and soft features, almost delicate. His eyes were framed by long, feathery eyelashes, yet they still held a certain glint of mischief. His lips formed a natural pout, and you watched as they turned into an easy smile. 

“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t tell. I’m not really supposed to be here either, my mom says it’s too dangerous. But I want to hunt, so I snuck out.” The boy claimed proudly, his eyes crinkling a little at the corners as his smirk grew wider.

Of course, he would want to hunt. No matter how pretty a boy is, they all still want to ruin everything natural and innocent.

You gasped in mock surprise and let a small smile grace your lips. You looked over your shoulder once more before taking a step closer to him.

“What’s your name?”

“Beomgyu.” 

You smiled again and watched as he returned it effortlessly.

“Has anyone seen Beomgyu lately? We were supposed to go fishing yesterday but he never showed up.” Jake asked, poking at his lunch with his fork before looking up at the others. 

Niki and his friends were sitting where they always did, under the big oak tree near the forest, a little ways away from their village. It was their place to retreat from everyone else, a place for only them. They saw it as a much-needed break, especially since they were growing older and girls had begun to fling themselves at them more and more as their parents pushed them to find a girl and get married. Sure, the boys had never been opposed to the attention they got from the girls in the village, but Niki guessed the thought of having to settle down and marry one of them someday soon became a little too much sometimes. Luckily, Niki was the youngest of their group and his parents had not yet brought up that topic to him, so he was still free to mess around as the rest of them had done before.

“You haven’t heard, Jake?” Jungwon gasped.

Jake tilted his head, confused. 

“Heard what?”

“Beomgyu’s dead. He was killed.” Jay said. He paused for a moment before speaking again, “I heard some of the townspeople saying it was a kumiho.”

Jake’s face morphed into something similar to horror, whether at the fact his friend was dead or the prospect that a kumiho killed him, Niki wasn’t sure. In all honesty, he didn’t know how the news had managed to escape Jake. The whole town had been talking about the murder and the possibility of a kumiho for the past few days. Niki had even heard his mother talking about it, and she wasn’t even positive creatures like that existed. But after all, this was the third boy killed in the span of a month. All the boys had gone into the woods the night they disappeared, then turned up a couple of days later with their hearts missing. Many people didn’t think it was just a coincidence. 

An unsettling silence washed over the group. Heeseung frowned before his eyes lit up, an idea popping into his head.

“Hey, why don’t we go into the woods tonight as a group?”

Sunoo looked at him in shock, his mouth falling open, “Are you crazy? What if the kumiho’s real? Do you want to get killed?”

“Of course not,” Heeseung scoffed, “But if it is real, it can’t kill seven of us, right? We can just fight it off or something. And if it isn’t real, then we can put an end to all those rumors going around about it.”

Sunghoon was the first to agree, an affirming word leaving his mouth. Heeseung smiled before asking the others. One by one, they all agreed, albeit a few a bit more hesitantly. When Heeseung looked at Niki, he out a small chuckle at the younger boy’s quick agreement. All of them knew that Niki was rather dependent on them, having grown up practically attached to the rest of them at the hip. 

Finally, Heeseung turned back to Sunoo, a sly grin plastered on his lips. The two stared at each other for a few moments before Sunoo sighed, reluctantly agreeing. Heeseung let out a small cheer before clapping his hands together.

“Alright, let’s meet back here tonight at eight.”

Niki trudged towards the tree with Sunoo at his side, the rest of their friends already waiting, their figures illuminated by the lantern one of them was holding. Sunoo breathed out a sigh, and Niki tilted his head to glance at him. The boy still didn’t seem very enthusiastic about this whole ordeal. Niki couldn’t help but feel a little rustled by his friend’s uneasiness, and silently nudged Sunoo’s hand with his own. When Sunoo looked at him, Niki gave him a soft smile.

“Are you scared?” Niki questioned.

“No,” the older sighed, “I just think it’s a bit silly to be doing this.”

“Silly?” 

Sunoo stopped for a moment and met Niki’s gaze. “Don’t you? Even if there isn’t a kumiho, it’s late and we won’t be able to see well. The forest is full of wild animals and poisonous plants that we aren’t familiar with. If someone does get hurt, it’s gonna be hard to find our way out of the forest quickly and without other incidents.”

Niki stilled. In truth, he hadn’t really put much thought behind his decision. If everyone else had said yes, then he would too. Niki didn’t consider himself a follower, in fact, he was rather the opposite. But he trusted his friends and would follow them in whatever they chose. Sunoo watched Niki as he thought, before taking another breath and starting to walk towards their friends again.

“It doesn’t matter, I’m sure we’ll be fine. Besides, I'll be there to keep everyone out of trouble.” Sunoo said as he turned back to him with a light smile on his lips. Niki nodded, following the boy.

Jake was the first to notice them, calling out with a bright grin. Jay quickly quieted him, reminding him that it was in fact late at night and people might get suspicious if they heard yelling. Sunghoon joined in, although his remarks toward Jake were a little more snarky. The two were still arguing by the time Niki and Sunoo reached them, Heeseung slinging an arm around their shoulders with a broad grin on his face. 

“Now that everyone’s here, should we get going?” He asked. The group nodded as one, as they set off into the forest with only the small oil lamp to light their way. 

It was relatively silent for the first few minutes, each of them carefully not to be too loud in order not to awaken their drowsy town, as well as to not accidentally scare each other in the process. The seven boys moved relatively slowly, the one measly light between them halting them from progressing quickly. A silence drifted over them as they ventured further in, every now and then someone would snap a twig and their soft footsteps would freeze. Niki wondered if they were really scared of something being out here. After all, no one would be able to hear a single twig cracking all the way from town.

Eventually, they stumbled into a small clearing. Well, about as clear as it had been so far. There were still trees littered around and shrubbery to shove aside, but it wasn't nearly as dense as the woods they had traveled through prior. The boys drifted from their single-file line and glanced around as best they could in the dark. Suddenly, a hand was pointing toward something near the edge of the clearing.

“Hey, is that a house?” A voice Niki recognized as Jungwon called out from beside him. Following the boy’s hand and peering past it, Niki saw a small building. It seems rugged and hollow, but nonetheless, it did look like a cabin.

“Do you think the kumiho lives there?” Jake asked, his voice a little breathy.

“I mean, who else lives in the woods” Heeseung replied, stepping over a tree root to cross towards the structure. Sunoo reached out to grab his wrist, an almost pleading look in his eye.

“What if someone lives there? You can’t just break in!” 

“If a person lived in there, they would take better care of it,” Heeseung scoffed, turning away and resuming his way over, “come on, guys!”

Niki watched Jay give Sunoo an apologetic look, patting him once on the back before following Heeseung. The others trailed behind the two oldest until it was Niki and Sunoo alone again. Niki fixed him with a questioning look, but Sunoo simply sighed, gesturing to the youngest before setting off to catch up with the rest.

When Niki arrived at the front of the house, Heeseung and Jake were already attempting to get in. Heeseung had a shoulder against the door, trying to forcefully knock it down. Jake was kicking at the bottom of the wood, although both boys’ attempts seemed to prove futile. Sunghoon spoke up, pointing to the handle on the door.

“Doesn’t work. It’s stuck or something,” Heeseung gritted out, pulling back before slamming his body against the door. It seemed to rattle the frail house, and the sound of something crashing came from inside the cabin. The wooden door trembled against his weight but held firm nonetheless. Jake looked at the boy with widened eyes, and slowly backed out of his way. Heeseung rammed into the door over and over, grunts leaving his mouth with each collision. The rest of the boys simply watched him, the forest silent save for the thuds and creaking of the house. Niki glanced over at Sunoo, seeing the boy’s face scrunch up in a wince every time Heeseung’s body collided with the wood.

Eventually, Heeseung sunk down in front of the jammed door, his steadfast resolve cracking. His head leaned back to rest against the wood, a sigh slipping past his lips. Niki stared at him before his eyes drifted to look at the house. The wood was splintering in some places, and the wood pillars at the corners of the house looked close to falling apart. The windows were hidden by shutters, although one was hanging off by the hinges, allowing Niki to see the glass behind it. It was surprisingly clear, and he didn’t see any cracks at all. The seemingly pristine condition of the window was in direct contrast with the withering state of the rest of the cabin. The building was obviously abandoned, and yet the window’s glass seemed to be kept clean and cared for. Niki leaned forward a tiny bit to look closer at the window, attempting to make out the inside of the house, only to see a figure blocking his view.

Wait, what?

Niki froze, blinking a few times. Perhaps he was simply imagining things. Yet still, a pair of eyes met his through the window. Inside the cabin, a girl stood in front of the window, peering at Niki with a curious glint in her eyes. Niki’s gaze flickered toward Heeseung in a panic, but when he looked back at the window, the girl and her inquisitive eyes were gone. Niki felt an unsettling dread build in his gut, the desperate urge to leave filling his body. A small voice in the back of his mind wanted to push further, to know more, but his innate instincts won. The realization hit him all at once: that it was almost midnight, they were in the middle of the forest, outside a strange cabin, with a peculiar girl watching them from the window, and Heeseung was sitting right beside the door. 

“It’s probably abandoned, it looks pretty rundown. I don’t think there is any use in trying to get inside,” Niki rushed out, “we should probably start heading back anyways.”

Heeseung slowly pushed himself to his feet, a grin spreading across his face.

“What is it, getting cold feet?” He mocked, his tone light.

“I agree with Niki, let’s go home,” Jungwon yawned, “I’m getting tired.”

The seven of them begin to make their way back towards the village, leaving the cabin behind. Niki swears he hears Sunoo breathe a sigh of relief but chooses not to comment on it, still a little stunned by the perplexing girl through the glass. Niki glances at the empty window once more, only the darkness meeting him now.

“Hey, Niki! Hurry up, man!” Jake calls out. Niki shakes his head, turning and trailing after his friends. It was silent as they followed the path they took to the cabin, a lingering feeling of unease followed him until they exited the forest. The boys bid each other goodnight, small smiles exchanged, some pulled a little too tight around the edges. 

Although Niki still felt apprehensive as he snuck back into bed that night, a peculiar wonder began to eat at him. Why was that girl living in the woods? Where is her family? Why didn’t she do anything? Question after question flittered through his mind, not a single one was he able to answer. But Niki wanted to know. He felt a desire to learn about whoever it was he saw that night, and it unsettled him almost as much as actually seeing her did. Adrenaline was still running through his veins, and with that alone keeping him awake, he formed a plan.

The next night, Niki snuck out through his bedroom window again, carefully shutting it behind him when his feet hit the dirt. It was a little bit more difficult tonight, however, because not only was Niki carrying his own oil lamp, but draped around his wrist was a basket, a white cloth carefully wrapped around the contents inside. 

That morning, Niki had taken a bit more for breakfast than he usually did, claiming he would eat it for lunch as well. On top of his usual bread and jam, he also grabbed another serving of both, and a bit of cheese to go with it. Then, under the pretense of having forgotten something in his room, he quickly stashed the loaf of milk bread, the jar of strawberry jam, and the cheese block in the basket, tying a knot at the top of the cloth to keep ants away, and shoved it under his bed. He didn’t get to eat much that day, but honestly, Niki didn’t think he would be able to stomach it anyways. Worry was eating at him for most of the day, the thought of being completely alone in the forest, unable to call for anyone if something went awry. But Niki shook it off, his eagerness keeping him going.

Gripping the lantern tighter, Niki began his journey to their tree and the forest beyond. He followed the path the seven of them took the night before, retracing their steps a little slower than before, keeping a careful watch on his surroundings. He arrived at the cabin without any adversities, swiveling his head once more before walking to the front steps. Niki carefully set the basket in front of the door, the wood seeming sturdy even after all Heeseung did to it the previous night. 

Niki’s eyes flickered to the windows, the single shutter still hanging loosely. He refused to look too closely this time, quickly slipping away from the house without lingering too long. He felt much more vulnerable without the assurance of the other boys beside him. Niki ran all the way back through the forest, leaves whipping against his skin and the gentle breeze turning fierce as he pushed out of the forest. He didn’t stop running until he reached the safety of their looming oak tree, feeling its embrace as his feet hit its roots. Niki paused for a moment, his breath coming out in quick pants. After catching his breath, Niki turned to look over his shoulder, a small grin forming on his face. 

Now all he had to do was wait.

“Niki! Are you listening?” Jake waved his hand in front of Niki’s face, successfully pulling him from his daze. The seven boys were currently sitting around Sunghoon’s room listening to Jake tell them about his most recent catch from the lake and how his mother was complaining he spent too much time fishing. Jake shook his head at Niki before continuing his rant.

“And she kept going on about how I needed to start focusing more on finding someone to marry and settling down,” he rolled his eyes, lifting a hand to rest his chin on, “like I need to find someone, we all know that any of the girls in town would be kill to end up marrying one of us.”

Although there were some scoffs from the older boys at Jake’s confidence, it wasn’t as if he was wrong. They were popular in their village, and especially popular among the girls. Before Heeseung and Jay finally decided on one girl, they typically had a new one hanging off their arm every week. The rest of them always had girls giving them gifts and whatnot, vying for their attention. More often than not, girls would give them gifts in the form of food, such as pies or freshly baked bread.

Like the bread Niki gave to the girl in the forest.

He quickly shot up from his spot on the floor, muttering an apology about not feeling well and going home early. Niki ignored the weird looks the other boys gave him, walking out the door and away from their prying eyes. All he could think about was that girl. He had visited her cabin again last night, only to find the food was gone. And not only was that gone, but so was the entire basket, meaning that a human had to have taken it. An animal would have no need for a basket, and it was unlikely that it would even attempt to take it. The fact that it was gone confirmed his suspicion that someone lived in that cabin. He hadn’t been seeing things when he saw the figure in the window. But what should he do now? Was he supposed to tell his friends?

Lost in his thoughts, Niki didn’t pay attention to what he was doing or where he was going. He was only pulled back into reality when he felt a sharp sting on the side of his arm. He looked down to see blood beginning to trickle from a cut on his bicep. He winced, feeling the cloth of his shirt brushing against the wound. He glanced around him for the cause of the injury when he spotted someone crouching down near him. He paused, surprised to find someone else out here. He took a few steps closer, trying to get a better glimpse of the mysterious person. 

The person seemed to be a girl, and she was crouched down beside a thin red fox, feeding it something out of the palm of her hand. Niki was a little shocked, everyone knew it was dangerous to go in the woods in general but to get that close to the unpredictable wildlife? It was essentially begging to get attacked. Niki craned his neck, peering at the girl’s hand, where a small piece of cheese sat being offered to the fox. With a start, Niki realized that could be the cheese he gave to the girl in the cabin, and this might just be that girl.

“Hey, you!” Niki yelled, wincing at his own volume. The fox jerked its head up before darting off deeper into the woods, leaving the girl and her bit of cheese behind. She turned to where Niki stood, a scowl on her face. Even with her expression distorting her features, Niki could tell she was beautiful. Niki didn’t get to admire the girl for long before she was stomping over to him, calling out as she did so.

“You scared the fox away! He has to eat too, you know,” she snapped at him, waving her hands around for emphasis, “Do you always just go around yelling in the woods, huh?”

Niki rubbed the back of his neck, a little sheepish at being scolded by a girl he didn’t even know. He mumbled an apology, speaking up once her temper had quelled.

“But you know, it’s dangerous in the forest. You really shouldn’t be out here.”

She wouldn’t quite meet his gaze, but he saw her roll her eyes anyways, “Oh yeah? Then what are you doing out here?”

Niki was taken aback by this, not expecting her to rebut him. He fumbled over his words, claiming that he was just looking for something, a certain kind of berry. When questioned why, Niki made up some random nonsense about how if you see those berries, it brings you good luck. Niki didn’t know anything about berries, nor did he care for superstitious myths like that, but he couldn’t tell her that he was trying to find a random girl he saw in the window of an abandoned cabin that he didn’t even know what she looked like besides a brief glimpse.

“Is that so?” the girl questioned, clearly unconvinced by his ramblings. She finally lifted her head enough to meet Niki’s gaze, and he sucked in a breath out of shock. 

Niki recognized those eyes, he doesn’t think he would ever be able to forget them. Her eyes were the most memorable thing about her, shining through the glass. They held the same curious tinge as they had the night he first saw her, and Niki’s chest suddenly felt lighter and eerily dense at the same time. He wasn’t even able to reply to the girl, stuck staring at her eyes as they flickered down to his arm, widening at some point below his shoulder.

“What happened?” She yelped, reaching out to examine his arm. Niki hissed when her fingers made contact with his wound, the pain flaring up even though the barrier of his sleeve prevented direct contact. The girl’s eyebrows furrowed, and she looked up at him, inquiring for permission to look at his injury. He nodded dumbly, almost hypnotized by her gaze, and suppressed a shiver at the feeling of her cold fingers brushing against his arm. 

Niki peered down at his arm, surprised to find a patch of blood soaked through his sleeve. He watched as the girl gently lifted the fabric up and away from the rest of his arm, bunching it up at his shoulder. The wound itself seemed to have gotten worse, red flaring up around the injury, blood continuing to leak from the cut. It didn’t look infected, but it was clear that it would likely be soon if it wasn’t properly attended to. The girl seemed to realize this too and turned her gaze back toward him.

“Let me clean that for you, I have some bandages at my cabin,” She told him, moving her hand away from his arm to let it fall at her side. She held a sort of determination in her gaze, and although he knew he shouldn’t follow a stranger deeper into the forest, something in his gut spurred him to trust her. Niki bobbed his head, trailing after the girl as she sharply turned on her heel and walked confidently into the trees. 

As Niki tailed behind her, he noticed she moved through the forest with a sort of learned elegance, as if she could find her way around even if she was blindfolded. She knew which trees had hidden roots, knew which shrubs and plants were poisonous, knew when there was an animal nearby, and warned Niki of all of this before he had even considered it a possibility. To be this well-versed in the forest, Niki thought she must have lived here for a long time. The thought both intrigued and saddened him. He wondered what must have happened to her to force her into living in such conditions for as long as she likely had. 

If she was a kumiho, it would make sense that she’s lived in the woods her whole life.

Niki stilled at the notion, that looming dread creeping back. The girl must have noticed his pause, looking back to give him an inquiring stare.

“What is it?”

Niki opened his mouth but no words came out. He shook his head, forcing a small smile across his lips.

“Nothing.”

She didn’t seem convinced, but he caught her gaze flicker to his arm and she nodded, quickly turning back. The rest of the walk to her cabin was silent, Niki’s thoughts swirling around his head like smoke, slowly suffocating him with their fumes.

If Niki hadn’t recognized the girl before, he definitely would have when they reached her house. It was the exact same cabin Niki and his friends had found nights prior, and it was still in the same poor condition as it had been. The girl seemed to only now realize this, and Niki saw a flush creep up her neck. She didn’t mention it, however, her strides assured as she pushed open the door with ease. Niki almost wanted to laugh, imagining Heeseung’s face if he saw this after he had so much trouble with the dreaded door.

She sat him down at a small table beside the kitchen, telling him to wait there while she went to go get supplies. Niki took the opportunity to observe the girl’s home. Contrary to the outside of the cabin, the inside was well-kept and nicely decorated. The walls held a multitude of framed flowers, each one labeled beneath in skillful ink. There were potted plants in most corners of the home, ranging from petite ones sitting on the counter to vast plants reaching to the ceiling. The walls were solid, it seemed as if there was a separate wall for the inside and outside of the house. The furniture was sparse and simple, but the abundance of plants easily made up for the empty space. Niki found the cabin rather cozy, almost warm, a stark contrast from the cold and menacing exterior.

The girl returned with gauze and two small bottles of liquid. Niki assumed one was water, but wasn't quite sure what the other was. She sat down beside him and got to work silently. She peeled off a section of gauze, dousing it in water before lifting Niki’s sleeve again, carefully pressing the damp cloth against his cut. She was gentle enough for it to not hurt much as she wiped away the blood surrounding it. Once the girl deemed it sufficient, she tore off more gauze and soaked it in the other liquid. Niki was curious, but he refrained from asking, opting to let her work instead. She turned back to him but hesitated a little before pressing the soaked gauze against his wound.

“This might sting a little.” She added, settling the cloth on the gash. Niki hissed, retracting his arm from his grip. Sure, she had given him a warning, but it still hurt, and it stung more than just a little. She also moved her hand away, peering up at him with concern. 

“I’m sorry, did it hurt?” The girl worried. Niki shook his head, even though he could still feel it burning a bit. 

“No, just caught me off guard,” He grunted. She nodded, pressing the cloth lighter this time, brushing it over the wound. Niki gritted his teeth, the burning lessening the more he got used to it. He spoke up again, partly to distract himself.

“What is this stuff anyways?”

“It’s diluted vinegar. It helps with disinfecting wounds, but you shouldn’t leave it on for too long. It could end up harming more than helping.” She answered, her voice smooth. It wasn’t long before she withdrew the cloth, and Niki let out a small sigh. He saw the corners of the girl’s mouth twitch up, but she spoke before he could say anything.

“Don’t worry, I never liked it much either.” She took the dry gauze and began to wrap it around his arm. Her touch was delicate like he was something fragile. He almost disliked it, but at the same time, it felt nice to have someone take care of him for once. As Niki watched her, he wondered if she recognized him too. She had to, right? Surely you wouldn’t forget a boy who had tried to break into your house in the middle of the night. But then again, perhaps she had mistaken the incident for a dream. For some reason, Niki wanted her to know that it wasn't. 

“I know you.” He announced, his voice much calmer than he felt. In reality, his heart was pounding, his eyes a little too wide as he watched for her reaction. The only affirmation he got that she had heard him at all was her pulling his gauze a tiny bit too tight, pausing for only an instant before resuming her work.

“What do you mean?”

“I saw you a few nights ago when I was with my friends,” Niki began, his pulse creeping up his throat, “through the window.”

She finished wrapping his wound, tying it off at the side in a simple knot. He almost wanted to admire her work, the wrapping far better than he could have ever done, but he kept his eyes trained on the girl. She leaned back, looking him in the eye.

“I remember now, your friend kept banging against the door. I was woken up and took a look outside, thinking it was one of the wild animals I feed wanting food.”

Niki restrained a wince. After that disaster of a first impression, it was a miracle she even let him near her house. He felt the need to explain himself, but he quickly lost his composure, beginning to ramble and stumble over his words.

“We weren’t trying to break in! Well, we kinda were, but we didn’t think anyone lived here! I mean, from the outside, it looked pretty abandoned. Not to say you don’t take enough care of it, it just seemed a bit unkempt! That’s why we tried to get in! Wouldn’t you do the same thing? I mean, come on, it’s not every day you find a house in the middle of the woods, we just wanted to take a look inside!”

The girl suddenly laughed, her joyful expression catching Niki off guard. Her laugh was sweet, the sound easing the tension Niki had slowly built in his shoulders. She smiled at him, a soft easy-going one, and the sun caught in her eyes from the window, giving them a dazzling shine.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. You were just curious. Like you said, I would have done the same thing.” She teased, giving him a playful wink. Niki flushed, muttering a shy apology. He looked back up at her, feeling his own lips tug up at her contagious smile.

“What’s your name?” He asked. The girl seemed to stop for a moment, her gaze meeting his. There was something there that he couldn’t quite place, but it made him feel warm and safe and nervous all at the same time. She seemed conflicted for a second, before letting her mouth rest into a serene smile.

“Y/n. It’s y/n.”

You weren’t exactly sure what to make of Niki. He didn’t seem to have the same intentions as the boys who you met before, didn’t have the same hungry gaze. Instead, he seemed curious, a desire to learn more about you as a person, not just for your appearance. It caught you off guard, especially since despite this curiosity, he still remained cautious of your presence. While the other boys were always smug, and overly confident in their abilities, Niki retained some humility. It honestly astonished you, knowing the crowd he hung around. You didn’t know most of their names, but you had heard about one in particular, the oldest of their group. 

When you first arrived in this town a few months ago, you saw a boy who would always wander around the forest, often killing rabbits and other small rodents. It pissed you off. You snuck around town sometimes after that, trying to see what he did besides killing wildlife. You watched him for a few weeks, watched as he went through girl after girl, watched as he corrupted their minds and ruined their reputations. It brought him a sick satisfaction, and you wanted more than anything to give him a taste of his own medicine. 

You purposely walked along the path he liked to hunt on, waiting for him. He responded about how you expected, all charming smiles and coy winks. You lured him in, purring your words and sweetening your tone. You acted like every one of the girls he had ruined, except this time it would be him.

You had known you had when his hands got a little too touchy and his glances lingered on you a little too long. His sweet words did nothing to mask the fervent hunger. He looked at you like he did the animals he killed. It sickened you, and you knew it was time. You teased him with a honeyed grin and watched his eyes widen in disbelief when you sunk claws into his heart. 

You don’t remember his name, but you knew he had a brother. You saw him at the funeral, a deep frown decorating his face and fresh tears streaking his face. You suppose you shouldn’t have expected anything different from the boy, seeing as he was your most recent kill’s brother. He played girls the same way his brother did, although not to the same extent. He only seemed to do it after his brother was gone, perhaps in his memory in some sick sense. But he settled down, found a girl, and committed fully, treating her as gold. Perhaps that is why you left him alone. Perhaps letting him live when his brother was gone was more punishment than simply killing him.

When Niki came along, he took the time to tell you all about his friends. You learned the oldest of their group was called Heeseung, and was finally able to put a name to his face. When Niki mentioned Heeseung’s brother, you struggled to keep your face neutral, desperate to not let recognition show in your eyes. You swore you did a horribly poor job, but if Niki noticed, he said nothing.

Ever since the day you had cleaned his wound for him in your cabin, he visited you as often as he could. Some days he couldn’t find you, and you simply took the chance to watch him from afar. You wanted to see if he was as gentle with the wildlife as he was with you. You had seen boys that treated you with care but blatantly disrespected the nature beneath their feet. A voice in the back of your head was hoping he would mess up, hoping that your previous view could be restored. But he always stepped with care, never intruding on any wild animal’s personal space. You ruled out the possibility of him simply being scared, as he often excitedly chattered to you about how pretty the foxes and deer were, and how he wished he could touch them. He brought more cheese with him, and you taught him how to feed the foxes. Niki seemed entranced by them, carefully reaching his hand out, palm open, with a bit of cheese. His mouth opened in a small gasp the first time a fox took the cheese, and when it scampered off, he turned to you with a bright smile and wide eyes. You had burned the image into your mind and secretly traced it into your heart.

You were quickly coming to realize it was difficult to lie to Niki. Not because he could read you easily, in fact, he was rather dense when it came to understanding your inner thoughts, but due to some odd moral dilemma. He had shattered your previous perception. His gaze wasn’t a tiger’s or a lion’s, it wasn’t a hungry beast waiting for the chance to strike. It was like a gentle breeze, light touches and dancing around, softly encouraging you onward. 

You simply couldn’t bring yourself to lie to Niki. Even on the first day, you couldn’t lie to him. Whenever a boy had asked for your name, you either made one up or simply refused to tell them, playing it off with a sly smirk and a wink. But somehow, Niki was able to make you let your guard down. Your name was rolling off your tongue before you could even think of the consequences. His tender smile as he told you his name made any thoughts or regrets evaporate.

You still remember how soft his voice sounded when he asked about your parents one night. The two of you were laying on your backs in the clearing, gazing up at the stars. He pointed out all the constellations he knew, chirping about how his mom had taught them to him when he was younger. His voice had gotten faint once he asked, and he shifted himself up on his elbows to better look at your face. 

“You don’t have to answer.” He added in a quiet voice, harmless and unassuming like a rabbit. 

“No, it’s alright,” You said. You thought for a moment about what to tell him and settled on the closest thing to the truth you could get, “I never knew them. They probably died soon after I was born.” You watched the stars, keeping your eyes away from Niki. Part of you knew that if you held his gaze for too long you might spill everything to him. And while you desperately wanted to trust him, you weren’t sure you could. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Niki slowly nod, processing what you told him. 

“Do you,” He started cautiously, “ever wish you didn’t have to be alone?”

You stared straight ahead, silently stunned. You pulled yourself out of it, thinking over his question. You didn’t have a time when you weren’t alone, so it wasn’t like you really had something to compare it to. But you weren’t alone, you knew that.

“Sometimes, sure. But I have the forest. I have the deer, and the rabbits, and the foxes to keep me company. We look out for each other, we keep each other safe.” A small smile graced your lips, an honest one, not for show or anything else. You basked in the silence for a moment, listening to the wind as it brushed over the two of you.

“And you have me.” Niki declared. You looked at him, your expression confused, and Niki cleared his throat before repeating himself.

“You have me, too. We can look out for each other. Even if we feel alone, we will be here for each other, okay?” He had a determination in his eyes that you wanted to coo at, but you felt breathless. You simply stared at him for a few seconds, silence drifting between you, but Niki’s expression stayed resolute. A tranquil feeling danced over your body, and you let yourself relax into the grass.

“Okay. We have each other.” He smiled, content, and laid back down beside you, the dewy grass tickling your bodies. 

You knew then that you couldn’t deceive him any longer.

When Niki visited you the next day, you had a sinking feeling. It was as if you were swimming towards safety but the closer to shore you swam the further away it got. You could feel your mind slowly getting tired, limbs numb as you pressed on. You prayed that Niki wouldn’t notice. You had promised yourself that you would tell him, but you wanted to decide that on your own, not because you were urged into it.

Of course, you should have known it wouldn’t happen the way you wanted. Niki had a way of making you open up. You found yourself carving spaces for him deep inside of you, time and time again, and now was no different. His eyes were considerate as they watched you, and his voice was small when he spoke.

“Are you alright? You seem on edge,” Niki coaxed, “Did something happen?”

You had never been able to lie to Niki. Even now, when faced with a question where you should have responded with a well-practiced lie, your breath caught in your throat. It was simple, you should never tell anyone about what you were, not unless you planned on them being dead within the next 5 minutes. And yet here you were, ready to spill out your heart to the boy with a gaze as gentle as the wind. In his eyes, you saw the shore you desperately needed to reach.

“I need to tell you something.”

He nodded, letting you take his hand and lead him back inside your cabin. You sat him down at the small table, taking the seat beside him. You remembered the very first time the two of you sat here, and you felt an urge to reach out for his arm, to look for the wound even though the scar had long faded. You felt Niki squeeze your still intertwined hands, and you took a breath before you spoke.

“I’m a kumiho.” You gulped, the feeling of dread building up again. It threatened to drown you, an overwhelming force pushing over your head. You braced yourself for him to attack you, ripping his hand away with a disgusted expression, using whatever was closest to him to strike you with. Or perhaps it would be worse, his gaze would turn fearful, his mouth dropping in a silent scream, and he would bolt away from you, taking the shore, taking your safety with him. 

“I know,” Niki said finally. You stared at him, astonished. 

“You.. know?” 

He nodded, a simple thing, but to you, it felt like you had finally reached safety. Your aching body collapsed against the sand, feeling the grains stick against your soaked skin.

“I’ve had a feeling since I first saw you,” He let a light chuckle slip through, the sound feeling foreign in the current situation. Niki hesitated for a second, before grasping your other hand as well, eyes piercing through you.

“Can I ask you something?”

You nodded dumbly, far too shocked to be able to think clearly.

“Why didn’t you kill me?” 

His eyes held a million questions, but he had settled on this one. You didn’t know how to explain it to yourself, let alone him You felt lost and yet seen, you were about to sink but he was keeping you afloat. When you were seconds from burning out, he lit you aflame.

“You were just… different.”

“Why? What did they do?” His tone wasn’t critical or condemning, it was simply curious. His gaze was humane, bordering on sympathetic, and you almost wanted to cry.

“They didn’t care about anyone else but themselves. They would kill wildlife and laugh about it. They destroyed and corrupted girls and got satisfaction from it. It made me sick, Niki.”

His gaze softened as you spoke, and he let go of one of your hands to reach out, brushing against your face delicately. It was only then you realized there were tears running down your face. You began to cry harder at the recognition, feeling Niki’s hands wipe away your tears as they fell, consoling you. You murmured about how you wished they would do such things, and he quieted your blubbering with soothing hands. 

You blinked away the rest of the tears, peering at him in a mixture of shame and awe. He stared back with what could only be described as adoration, a tender smile painting his lips. Niki waited until your tears had stopped falling, reduced to small sniffles before he spoke.

“Is it true that if a kumiho doesn’t kill anyone for a thousand days, then they will become human?” He asked, a glimmer of something you couldn’t place in his eyes.

“Yes, it is.” You responded slowly, doubtful of where exactly he was going with this.

“How long has it been since you last,” Niki paused for a moment before steeling himself, “since you last killed someone?”

Your voice caught in your throat, the words like a vice grip around you. Niki clasped your hands tightly, whispers of “It’s okay” and “They weren’t innocent” in his soft voice reaching your ears.

“His name was Beomgyu,” You hiccupped, “It was a week before I saw you for the first time.” The only thing keeping you steady was Niki’s secure hold.

“So it’s been a couple months?”

You nodded gently, not quite looking him in the eye. You felt ashamed, a feeling you had never had about what you did to those boys before you met Niki.

“Do you think you can do it?” He asked faintly. You looked at him then, a question written in your gaze.

“Can you not hurt anyone for the rest of the thousand days?” He coaxed, “Then you would be human, you wouldn’t have to worry anymore.” 

You almost broke out into tears again from his words. Never had you thought you would open up to someone this much, your heart in your hands, practically begging him to take it. You felt selfish, selfish for wanting to have him, selfish for tainting him with your previous actions. A part of you told you to refuse, that you had already gone too far. This was your only chance to attempt to fix things, to save him from yourself.

“I’ll wait for you, y/n, I promise. I’ll wait for as long as it takes.”

You closed your eyes then, desperately willing the tears pooling up to disappear. A single one fell down your cheek anyway, and a pitiful gasp escaped you. 

“You don’t have to, Niki.”

“I want to.” He assured, taking your face in his hands. The two of you stared at each other for what felt like ages, before he spoke again, never taking his eyes off yours.

“Can I kiss you?”

You nodded as best you could with his hands around your face, and waited for the press of his lips against yours. When it finally came, only then did you allow your eyes to close, breaking the gaze between you. 

It wasn’t anything like you had experienced before. It wasn’t rough, it wasn’t hungry, it wasn’t the beast you had come to anticipate. His kiss was just as gentle as he was, a soft, sweet breeze picking you up. It made you feel as light as the sky and brought you back down to Earth at the same time. It made you feel human.

Niki pulled back after a few seconds, resting his forehead against yours, a serene smile playing on his lips. You felt your own lips tugging upwards to match his, a silent wish to be able to live like him. It hit you then that you could.

“I’m scared, Niki.” you whispered in the space between you, “What if it hurts? What if I can’t do it?”

What if it doesn’t work?

“I believe in you. I’ll be by your side the whole way, I promise you.” He soothed. 

The two of you stayed like that for a while, just holding each other. You decided to trust in him. You had already given him the most intricate parts of who you were, you wanted him to have everything.

Tonight was the end of the thousandth day, and you were finally going to be human. In all honestly, you were terrified. And you were upset too. Niki hadn’t visited you for an entire week now. You knew Niki had grown up some, and gained more responsibilities, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. You should have known he would have less time for you as the two of you grew older, it had almost been 3 years since you first met each other, and his town and family were calling on him to settle down. But you refused to acknowledge that until it hit you in the face.

Despite these new duties, Niki hadn’t changed as a person. He was still sweet, still gentle when he held you and gentle with your home. He still had the same beaming smile whenever a fox ate from his hand or curled up at his feet. Niki was still your tranquil breeze, the wind brushing through your hair and guiding you along.

You had learned more about him over the past few years, and under the cover of night, even gotten to visit his village a few times. His bubbly tone as he showed you around overshadowed the consequences if you were caught. 

Thinking about all the experiences you had with him only made you more irritated that he wasn’t here with you now. He had promised you, and Niki was never one to break his promises. You had seen that time and time again, which made his absence all the more distressing. But perhaps he had simply forgotten, after all, it is difficult to keep track of every single day. You secretly prayed that he had just forgotten and that nothing else had happened.

That night, when you finally became human, it wasn’t anything grand or spectacular like you had often joked. It wasn’t the deadly pain you had expected either. Instead, when midnight arrived, you simply blacked out. The next thing you remember was waking up in the morning, sore all over your body, especially on the sides of your head, hands, feet, and lower back. You felt a rush of hopefulness wash over you when you realized those were the areas your kumiho nature was most likely to show through, whether that be fox ears, claws, or the easily recognizable nine tales. In a daze, you attempted to change fully into a kumiho, ecstatic to find that you couldn’t, no matter how hard you tried. With wide eyes and a blissful smile, you began jumping around your small cabin out of pure joy.

Your first instinct was to find Niki, only to remember you hadn’t seen him in over a week. With a newfound confidence in your humanity, you began walking down to his town, intent on finding him. You still feel a little hesitant walking around in broad daylight, but to your surprise, there isn’t anyone around. Assuming they must be working inside or resting, you head to Niki’s home. You creep around the back, to where his bedroom window is. However, when you get there, you were puzzled to find wood boarded up over where his window should be.

You curiously examine it, finding a small sliver near the bottom where the planks didn’t quite reach. You peer through, seeing Niki pacing around his room. You call out to him, watching as his head snaps toward where you are in a panic. He checks over his shoulder at the door before rushing over, crouching down until he is faced with the small gap.

“Y/n? You need to run, now.” Niki insisted, his voice strained, “I don’t know how, but the town found out about us, about how you’re a kumiho.”

“But I’m not a kumiho anymore! It worked, Niki, I’m human now.”

He paused for a moment, breathing out what you could only call a sigh of relief.

“That’s amazing, really.” He answered, his tone breathy, “But right now, you have to get out of here. They don’t care if you’re human now.”

“I can’t just leave you here.” You responded. You couldn’t, not after everything he had done for you. 

“Y/n, if you don’t leave now, they are going to kill you.” 

You wouldn’t leave him now. Niki had shown you what it meant to live, to be alive. You would never leave him in a thousand years.

“I’ll be back to get you out of here. We are leaving together.” You rushed out against his pleas. You heard shouts, and snuck over to the side of his house, peeking out. There you saw what seemed to be the majority of the town, standing around with torches and a variety of weapons, ranging from swords to spears to axes. You suppressed a shudder, catching sight of Heeseung and what you assumed to be the rest of Niki’s friends. While they all looked varying degrees of upset, Heeseung looked downright furious. You briefly wondered if this was how he looked when he first learned of his brother’s death.

Before you could think about that any further, you quickly retreated back behind Niki’s house. After taking a deep breath, you began sprinting back toward your cabin. You felt the wind whipping against your face, and the leaves thrashing by your skin, but you paid it no mind. You reached your home quicker than you ever had before, throwing open the door and hurriedly flying around, tossing whatever you deemed necessary in a bag. You doubted you would be able to come back here again, so you put extra food and water than you would normally bring, multiple changes of clothes for the both of you, blankets, other basic survival equipment, and the music box Niki had gifted you last year. You slung the bag over your shoulder, checking its weight before rushing back out the door. You flew through the forest, desperate to get back to Niki before anything else could happen.

You slow your pace as you reach the outskirts of town, carefully creeping around until you reach Niki’s bedroom window again. You call out to him again, watching through the gap until you see him appear. You gently tell him to stand back and he nods, moving away. You tested the durability of the wood, pressing on it with your hand. It had more leeway than you expected, and you pull back your arm, preparing to smash against it with your bicep. Just before you were about to slam against the wood, you hear a shout near you.

“The kumiho is here! It’s trying to get to Niki!”

You turned toward the voice, spotting a woman you didn’t recognize holding a torch, pointing her free hand at you as she cried out. You took off in a flurry, your instincts sharp from living in the forest for so long. You heard Niki yell something behind you, but you were already too far to be able to clearly make out what he said. You run as fast as you are able to, taking difficult twists and turns through the forest in a frantic attempt to lose your pursuers. Soon you are only able to hear one set of footsteps behind you, and in an effort to look behind you to see who it is, you trip, falling to the ground.

Your pursuer caught up to you before you are able to get up, flipping you on your back and pining you there. You felt the cold metal of a blade pressed up against your neck, stinging as it lightly breaks the skin. You met the eyes of the person and felt a tremble run through you as you met Heeseung’s gaze. His eyes are cold, and his mouth is curled into a mocking smirk.

“I thought kumihos were supposed to be agile, hm?” He starts, feigning innocence, “I was hoping for a bit more of a chase, too bad.” He traced his sword up towards your chin, lips quirking down into a taunting frown. 

“I’m.. not a… kumiho anymore.” You gritted out, unable to talk properly due to Heeseung’s blade under your chin. He scoffed, peering down at you with hatred. He opened his mouth to speak again but was cut off by the sound of someone shouting behind him.

“Heeseung!”

You watched as the boy’s eyes widened, a deep scowl crossing his face. You recognized that voice, you knew it better than you knew your own.

“Stay out of this, Niki,” Heeseung ordered, voice bordering on a growl.

“Heeseung, please, just listen to me. She’s human now! It’s been almost three years since she hurt anyone, please don’t do this.” Niki begged. You couldn’t see him, but from the sound of his voice, it seemed like he was crying. The thought tugged at your heart despite the precarious situation you currently were in.

“I don’t care how long it’s been, this… thing will never be human. Not after it killed my brother.” Heeseung instinctively pressed the sword further against your neck, a wild look in his eyes.

“He.. wasn’t a good.. person.. your brother… hurt.. people..” You rasped out, wincing at Heeseung’s glare. 

“I don’t give a damn what you think about him. He was my brother.” 

“You don’t… know what he was.. capable of…” You croaked, feeling blood begin to trickle down the side of your neck from the small cut Heeseung’s blade made. The boy snarled at you, his dark expression causing you to shiver.

“Maybe I don’t,” Heeseung seethed, a sinister grin creeping up his face, “but I do know what I am capable of.” He drew the sword high above his head, ready to strike it down into your heart. You closed your eyes, waiting for the searing pain to arrive. 

Instead, you heard a shout, feeling the weight on top of you lighten. Your eyes snapped open, darting around until they landed on the two boys. Niki jumped at Heeseung as soon as he saw the boy lift his sword, tackling him to the ground. Heeseung’s sword had sunk into his own skin when he fell over, the deep gash on his left arm making him cry out in pain. He ripped the blade out, tossing it to the side, a deep grimace painting his features. Niki halted for a moment, shocked at his own actions. His pause gave Heeseung enough time to reach into his own pocket, pull out a small silver knife, and slash it against Niki’s shoulder. It wasn’t nearly as deep as Heeseung’s wound, but Niki yelped out in pain nonetheless. 

You scrambled to your feet, grabbing the sword Heeseung had thrown aside and pulling Niki up and behind you, pointing the sword at Heeseung. He stared at you, clutching his arm in agony. A small voice told you to just kill him, to make sure he wouldn’t follow you, to make sure he wouldn’t tell the others where you had gone. The thought of hurting him made you feel sickened, even after what he had just done to you. You gave Heeseung one last glance before you grabbed Niki’s hand and ran.

The two of you kept running until you reached a section deep inside the woods. After checking the surrounding area to make sure no one had followed you, you pulled out the gauze and diluted vinegar you had brought with you. There was a small lake here, and you dipped a piece of gauze into the water, not wanting to use up water that the two of you could drink. Niki had removed his shirt, allowing you easy access to the wound. You thoroughly cleaned his wound, before repeating the process with the diluted vinegar. Niki still flinched, even after almost three years. It made a fond smile decorate your face, even as the two of you sat in the woods after nearly being killed by one of Niki’s closest friends. 

You wrap his injury in silence, the two of you listening to the water and the wind, quiet and mild, blissfully unaware of the danger outside of its own bubble. Once you finish, you help Niki put his shirt back on without further injuring himself or disturbing the gauze. You sit back a little, guilt swelling inside of you.

“I’m sorry.” You apologized. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Niki turn to you, confused.

“Why are you sorry?”

“You can’t go back to your home now, and you even got hurt because of me.” You set your head in your hands, the day’s events finally catching up with you. Niki slowly pried your hands away, taking them in his.

“Y/n, you are my home. I never want to live without you,” He lightly smiled, and it made your stomach fill up with warmth as he continued, “I don’t care if we have to survive on our own in the woods or worry about where our next meal is gonna come from as long as I can be with you. I would risk my life over and over again if it meant keeping you safe.”

You blinked at him before pulling him towards you, pressing your lips against his in a soft kiss. He responded immediately, letting out a pleased hum at your actions. You pulled back, pressing your forehead against yours, mirroring what he did after your first kiss. He realized this after a second, a contented laugh leaving his lips. You felt his warm breath against your mouth and leaned in to press another peck against his lips.

“I love you, Niki.” You confessed.

“I’ve always loved you.” He cooed, an honest smile brightening his expression, “All our hardships are over now, I promise you.”

And even though that wasn’t something either of you could control, you believed him.

As Sunoo wandered aimlessly around the forest with his lantern, he had never felt more ashamed in his life. He never meant for it to happen this way, truly. When he saw Niki hanging out with this girl in the woods, he originally assumed it was a girl from the next town over. But when he saw the nine tails sprouting from her backside, he froze. Sunoo hadn’t known what to do. He ran back to town without a word, and couldn’t sleep that night. He was terrified for Niki, worried that the boy might end up dead any day. He had to tell someone.

So the next morning, he knocked on Heeseung’s door and told him everything. Sunoo didn’t see Heeseung’s eyes darken, and he didn’t see how Heeseung’s jaw clenched. The next thing he knew, Heeseung was calling all the other townspeople for a search party, telling them they were going to kill the kumiho. Sunoo had no choice but to join in.

Lost in his thoughts, he almost didn’t see them. But after looking again, sure enough, there sat Niki and the girl he had seen before, sitting together on the other side of the lake. She looked a little different, less fox-like, and more human now, but it was the same girl. Sunoo wasn’t really sure what to do. He knew what most of his friends would do, they would find backup and then attack them. He knew what Heeseung would do, he would go in alone, killing the girl at any cost. But he wasn’t his friends, and he wasn’t Heeseung. So instead Sunoo stayed still, and he simply watched them. He watched as the girl pulled what looked like bread out of her bread and offered it to Niki. He watched as they ate together, and he watched as they laughed. If he strained his ears, he could almost hear the sound.

After a few minutes, a fox pranced up beside him and sat down near his feet. Sunoo was a bit startled, but when the fox looked up at him and met his gaze, all Sunoo could do was sigh. He looked back across the lake at Niki and the girl, and he knew that he couldn’t fix what he’d done, but maybe he could give them a second chance. Sunoo peered back down at the fox, and in a soft voice, he spoke.

“Take care of them for me, okay?” Sunoo knew the fox couldn’t have understood him, but for some reason, he felt assured that the fox would stay there to watch over his friend. Sunoo glanced back at the two one more time, and with his heavy heart a little bit lighter, he turned on his heel and headed back to the village.

Permanent Taglist: @starrpt2 @sunnytheos @kalabasaa @ghostiiess @redm4ri @xiaoderrrr @en-chantedtomeetyou 

#enhypen #niki enhypen #riki enhypen #nishimura riki #riki x reader #niki x reader #niki fanfiction #niki fluff #niki angst #niki fanfic #niki scenarios #riki #riki x you #niki x you #fem reader #enhypen fanfiction #enhypen fanfic #lee heeseung #yang jungwon #sim jaeyun #park jongseong #park sunghoon #kim sunoo #enhypen fluff #enhypen angst #niki imagine #enhypen riki #enhypen niki #enhypen ff #niki ff

[annanother-thing]

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

@starquestingfordrarry ahhh thank you for tagging me, these are such good questions!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

41 +1 unrevealed +6 that ive hidden

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

238,631

3. What fandoms do you write for?

only harry potter atm but i have written other fandoms before and i am psyching myself up to write some pjo/hoo next year

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Best Kept - drarry, secret relationship, EWE, E, 7k

How Does Your Garden Grow - wolfstar, modern au, T, 1.6k (this was the first hp fic i ever wrote back in 2016!)

Sparks - drarry, soulmates au, secret relationship, E, 20k

White in the Darkness - wolfstar, established relationship, possessive!remus, E, 7k

Maybe Love Could Be A Verb - wolfstar, getting together, idiots to lovers, E, 16k (my first fic coming back to fandom last year!)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

not as much as i should... i hate replying to comments when my work is still anon and i swear this year all ive done is anon fests and then i forget to reply when reveals happen and then my inbox gets super full and i get overwhelmed...

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

oooh probably Invisible, Inescapable - ghost!reg, house magic, 16k, M - or Non-Existent Hearts Still Bleed - mostly canon compliant Pansy character study, 8k, M

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

uhhhh most of them? i dont tend to write sad things

8. Do you get hate on fics?

not so far!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yes. all of it. mostly queer but i have done some m/f but mostly in triads and that one tomione dead dove. currently in the middle of kinktober so smut is on the brain

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

no theyve never been my vibe

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

no thank god

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes! well, someone asked, idk if they actually did it. it was my pansromione choir fic from pride fest

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

back in the day i co-wrote one with my then-best friend - i think it was the first fic i ever uploaded...

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

nope. impossible question. my ogs are wolfstar and drarry, but i also adore pansmione/pansromione, fleurinny, ginsy, jegulus, jegulily... so many ships so little time...

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i tried to do nano with original fiction several times and none of them really stuck, which im sad about because some of the ideas were banging - lesbian vampires through time, anyone?

16. What are your writing strengths?

ok this is the hardest question by far...

i think i am quite good at the introspection, and characters having to think through their situations, figure out how they actually feel. i blame all the therapy...

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

confidence and run on sentences. i was editing a fic yesterday and found a sentence that was nearly half a page...

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i dont mind it, but i think it has to fit the story. but one of my pet peeves is when people but dialogue in another language and then put the translation in the chapter notes - i have a goldfish brain and by the time i get to the end of the chapter i have forgotten what the dialogue was about

19. First fandom you wrote for?

kingsman back in like 2014/5

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

dont make me choose between my babies! maybe the one that i cant talk about yet (i feel its the most up to date representation of my writing at the moment), maybe my wolfstar witcher!au (longest uploaded fic, and i really struggled to finish it but im so proud of myself for getting there), maybe my soulmate fest one (i was so not happy with it but everyone seemed to like it and it reminds me that i am my own worst critic)

Tagging: @gloivy @uncannycerulean @silently--here @tracingpatternswrites <3

#this was fun! #i love these question games #they really make me think about my work #anna answers

[imkittyjustkitty]

Kitty's Daily Pride — Day 3

prompt ; the night sky

pairings ; Marlene Mckinnon x Reader

summary ; You don't think your best friend will ever love you the way you love her, but it shows that perhaps you may be quite mistaken.

+ no pronouns used but it's fem!reader because Marls is gay in this

warnings ; nervous gay little reader and kissing

genre ; starts of kinda angsty, but dw it ends with fluff <3

word count ; 1492

A/N ; omg !!! longest one ive written so far !!! im so proud kdjsnfjksnf hopefully there's ppl who love marlene like i do

do not steal, repost, or redistribute my work in any way.

Dark skies and shining stars, a canvas of abyss and beauty. You laid in a field next to Marlene, gazing up at the sparkling night sky.

Occasionally glancing to your right, you could saw Marlene smiling at the sky, a twinkle in her eyes and something behind them that felt like home.

Whenever you were with Marlene, it felt like the world span faster and faster and never seemed to stop. Marlene with her bright eyes and shining blonde hair, her mischievous grin and her wicked laugh. She made you feel alive in all the best ways. she was your everything, but you were afraid that you may not be the same for her. 

She was your best friend, but that’s where it seemed to end. You were afraid that all she saw you as was her friend, afraid that she didn’t return the burning feelings you felt for her. It should be easy really, you both had good communication otherwise, but when it came to this, your heart would stop and your throat close up. because after all, what if she was straight?

What if she would never have even a chance of feeling for you the way you felt for her, what if your love for her was hopeless and you’d never be together.

She’d never mentioned anything about her sexuality before. She’d never said she was straight, which gave you a small spark of hope, but she’d also never mentioned anything about being queer, which is what stopped you from just admitting your love for her. Because what if confessing your love for her ruined your friendship? What if she’d grow uncomfortable around you because of it? You were certain you wouldn’t be able to handle that, she meant way too much to you. So you stayed quiet, and continued living as her best friend. 

By now you’d trained yourself to see everything as platonic unless explicitly stated otherwise, it was your way of keeping the overthinking at bay. And it seemed to work, it’d been a year or so since you’d first realised just how much you loved Marlene, and you were pretty sure she didn’t notice anything off about how you acted around her (you hoped). 

Sometimes you got overwhelmed, you loved Marlene and spending time with her no matter what you were doing, but you always had a feeling buried deep in your heart that begged you for something else. You wanted to be with Marlene, you wanted to be her person, the one she grows old with. Your friends had told you a hundred times over that you and Marlene can spend your lives together without having to be in a romantic relationship, and yeah you know that they’re right, but there’s a want in your heart that no one can deny, and it’s the want for Marlene to be with you the way you want her to be with you. 

But life moved on, and you two remained anything but partners.

"Y/n?" the sound Marlene's soft voice reached out to you and pulled you out of your whirlwind of thoughts and memories. You twisted your head to find her looking into your eyes, an unreadable expression covering her face, something that heightened your nerves and quickened your heartbeat in a nervous manner.

"..Yeah?" You answered hesitantly, afraid of what she may be about to say to you, had she figured it out? Was she about to tell you that she no longer felt comfortable around you, because of your attraction to her? Your head was spinning.

"Do you... have you..." Marlene sighed, looking away from you and avoiding eye contact, nervousness seeping out of her every movement, her arms slightly shaking as she lifted herself off the ground, you doing the same thing a moment after.

Marlene tried to let out a nonchalant chuckle, but instead came a laugh that was shaky and had an undeniable air of fear, "This is uh... Really awkward," she attempted to lighten up the tense air that now surrounded you both.

With every passing second, and every nervous laugh your best friend let out, your grew more and more worried, "Marls, is everything okay?".

"No yeah uh- totally," she briefly tried to smile, but upon realising that she wasn't fooling anyone, she let it drop and bit her lip in an attempt to dampen her worried rambling, and perhaps stop her from saying anything dumb.

"What I'm uh.. trying to say is um-" Marlene stopped herself, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, before continuing with a heavy gaze directed at her lap, "Do you.. Do you like girls?".

Caught off guard, your eyes widened in horror. everything that was happening confirming your previous fears, she found out you liked her and she's going to end your friendship.

You, too scared to answer, and Marlene, too scared to hear your answer, just sat next to each other for what felt like forever. Marlene couldn't sit still but at the same time was afraid that she dared to make a move that her whole world would come crashing down and you'd say the thing she was dreading hearing you say. While you too sat there, overthinking everything.

Were you breathing too loud? Was it annoying her? Should you breath quieter? Maybe if you quietened your breath just a little more, the grassy field would swallow you whole and save you from this whole situation. Or what if you took any longer to answer, would she walk away, would she leave you and never come back? What if your lack of a verbal answer was already enough of an answer for her, what if she knew everything?

But you knew had to say something.

Taking a deep breath, swallowing the lump in your throat, you looked at the girl beside who was still staring at her lap, "Well I... The thing is i-"

"Becauseidoandilikeyoubutyouvenevermentionedlikinggirlssoidontknowand-"

"Wait what?" Your thrown off my Marlene's rapid interruption, and suddenly she's staring right at you, blushing and nervous, something that felt weird for Marlene to be expressing considering her usual cool and lively exterior.

"I like you"

"Oh," Your world stopped spinning and the only two people who seemed to ever exist on the whole planet were you and Marlene. You and the girl who had just... admitted her feelings for you, the same girl who you were so deeply in love with...

"Really?" You were in disbelief, you wanted to just believe it so bad, but a part of you was still drowned in doubt, you had to make sure you didn't mishear her, "You do?"

"Yeah, yeah I do..."

"I like you too"

Marlene's eyes grew wide, her brain had completely stopped working and all she could do was stare at you, mouth falling open and heartbeat halted in her chest.

"Can I..." Marlene took a deep breath, her eyes never leaving yours, "Can I kiss you?"

You were nodding before you could even process what you were doing, your brain still hadn't quite processed just how lucky you were right now, it was still convinced that this was all some fantastical dream.

Marlene laid her hand gently on your left cheek, and leaned in slowly, giving you ample time to change your mind and move away from her, which she was convinced you would do any moment. She searched for any hesitance deep in your starstruck eyes, but all she found was you staring right back at her, love swirling your every being.

Your lips connected and you'd never felt so at home. Her lips were soft and your eyes fluttered closed as you reached for her hand. You could taste the lip balm you'd gifted her a few weeks ago, you could smell her shampoo, a smell you'd grown to love as you'd forever associate it with Marlene and the warmth she brings you.

You felt her breath flutter across your face as the two of you slowly pulled away from each other's lips, and you couldn't help but smile.

You're grinning ear to ear and Marlene was too, you leaned your foreheads against each other and softly gazed at each other.

"You're," you breath softly, "you're beautiful, Marls".

Her grin grows impossibly wider and you found yourself being pulled to the ground by a giggling Marlene. The two of you laid in each others' arms, and it was the safest you'd ever felt in your whole life.

You could never really know what to expect when it came to Marlene, sometimes the world span and span and span and never stopped, and it could grow to be so much, too much. But sometimes, the two of you lay in your own little bubble, an escape from the world outside, in the arms of the girl you loved and who loved you back. Marlene would forever be your home, as you were more than happy to forever be hers.

reblogs are appreciated so much !!

#marlene mckinnon x reader #marlene mckinnon x you #marlene mckinnon x y/n #marlene mckinnon fluff #marlene mckinnon angst #marlene mckinnon imagine #marlene mckinnon fanfic #marlene mckinnon x fem!reader #marlene mckinnon #marauders #marauders era #marauders fanfiction #marauders era fic #🌈 — kitty's pride writings #i'll be a leading lady if i get my shot — my writing

[lostbbygorl]

FATE AND HATE: EREN YEAGER X READER (PART 4)

A/N: BEHOLD THE LONGEST CHAP IVE WRITTEN AND MY FAVORITE ONE SO FAR AAAHHH

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SYNOPSIS: Vinnie and Elijah reach a new stage in their friendship (which might turn into more) while Emilia’s fight with Leo makes him realize he is capable of feeling fear and taking things seriously. Eren starts nearing success with Y/N, but there’s far more bonding he has to do with Elijah… 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Eren slammed the door shut behind him, his eyes running over every detail in Y/N’s house.

“Thanks for inviting me into your home” He absent mindedly muttered, admiring Y/N’s taste in decorations and furniture.

“Mr. Yeager, you barged inside that taxi with me and entered my home uninvited” Y/N scoffed.

“Well, it’s a really pretty house,” He said honestly. Y/N’s house reflected the vibrancy in her soul and the grace she always carried herself with perfectly. The off white walls boasted antique paintings and baroque mirrors. In the living room, a faux fur rug, dark beige and woodish in color sat proudly in front of a large, soft gray sofa and one sofa bed. The glass coffee table on the rug had a vase of fresh pink roses and books stacked in order of thickness, all of it facing a wide screen television. Another faux fur rug of the same color but smaller area was put underneath the first step of the spiral staircase, with a wooden depiction of a pagan Greek god on each side.

But it was the moodboard of pictures of Elijah and Y/N that caught Eren’s eyes the most. A large, framed canvas with all the memories they made over the years pinned in place for them to fondly reminisce over every time they walked past it. There was little Elijah in Y/N’s arms the day she graduated law school, and the first holiday Y/N and Elijah went on overseas. There was Y/N’s 20th birthday when Elijah was a toddler with a cavity on his front milk teeth, and lots of photos of Elijah. Eren shifted his focus from Y/N’s beauty to the divine genes both of them had passed on to his son. He reminded Eren so much of himself. It was like seeing his middle school years through pictures again. The same excited, boyish smile, like he was genuinely happy but really didn’t want to take a picture at the moment. The same towering height and all the ease in the world. He talked so much like him. He acted so much like him. Now how could he get him to see that so they could get along? Elijah pretended Eren was the wind at school.

“That’s my favorite thing in the house” Y/N broke his train of thoughts. He turned around, pleasantly surprised that for the first time in a few days, her expression was dismissive, nonchalant, or angry. She was taking initiative to talk to him, and about something dear to her. He kept quiet as she strolled over beside him and gently traced the glass frame. She had a peaceful, faraway look on her face as her most cherished memories raced to the front of her mind with each glance at each picture.

“Eli grew up so fast” She whispered wistfully, staring at a picture of him when he was a baby.

“What was he like as a baby and just a young kid in general?” Eren asked, imagining himself in these pictures and as figments of these happy memories. A man can dream vividly of the things he had in his palms one second and in regrets the next.

“Oh, he was a handful,” Y/N softly chuckled.

“ He was quite clingy as well. That bit is still there to this day. The tiniest sounds woke him up and sometimes he’d stay up till 5 in the morning. But when he was calm, almost nothing could disturb his peace. He grew up to be such a good boy. Just what I wanted him to be” Y/N sniffled. Eren raised a brow at her eyes, which had glazed over.

“Oh shit I’m crying” Y/N tried to mask her emotions with a fake laugh as Eren shook his head.

“You mothers are so emotional” He tutted as he cupped her face, catching her by surprise. Y/N’s face was inches away from her own. His hands were warm and strong, and his swift thumbs wiped away the speck of a teardrop in a millisecond. Y/N regained her composure and attempted to get steely with him again.

“Why am I even telling you all this?” She frowned, playing with the bronze button of her mauve blazer.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry” Eren apologized again, every inch of his heart stitched into the syllables he spoke, and every excruciating bit of his regret dancing in those two emerald labyrinths of his. Y/N hated it, but she felt herself caving. She was confused. Was it love or forgiveness? Whatever it was, it was her internal demon to battle with, and a prize that he’d die attempting to win.

Eren sighed and untied his bun as the silence echoed in his ears.

“ That kiss was amazing,” He said.

“It was to get Floch to leave me alone” Y/N shook her head, plopping down on the sofa.

“Really?” Eren asked, joining her.

“Affirmative” Y/N nodded like an army officer.

“ No feeling behind it at all?” Eren pouted.

“Nope” Y/N shook her head once more.

“Then,” Eren said as he inched himself closer to her body, “why do you still have the other key locket I gave you more than 10 years ago around your neck?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Vinnie, come on now, you know I can’t do that” Elijah chuckled incredulously at his best friend’s comment.

“ Look, you don’t have to be best mates with the guy. But he is your father and he is back in your life. There’s gotta be something you can say to him, right?” Vinnie rested his head on the pillow next to Elijah’s, and the two boys stared at the ceiling.

“ It’s just ever since he came back I feel like my mental peace flew out the damn window. And it’s not helping that mom’s workload has been so shitty nowadays” Elijah grumbled.

“ I get it, dude. It’ll all get better. And don’t kill me for saying this, but I don’t think Mr. Yeager has a bad heart or a mean nature, and I feel like he’s actually really sorry and trying to change. If you can give the guy a chance, do it” Vinnie patiently explained.

“ To hell with him” Elijah turned over to the right to face the wall. Vinnie stared at Elijah’s back longingly. Elijah with the sunshine beam. Elijah with contagious laugh. Just Elijah. His best friend Elijah who he wanted to kiss more than anything in this world.

Elijah turned to face Vinnie again. Vinnie with his thick accent that was just so fun to mock. Vinnie with the sleeping habits of a 60-year-old. Vinnie with his head up in the clouds whenever he pleased. Just Vinnie, who he wanted only for himself.

“When will Leo and Emilia get here?” Vinnie reached for his phone meaning to contact them. He didn’t need to, because as soon as he unlocked his phone, a cacophony of insults and blames ricocheted off the walls of the house. Leo harshly opened the door to Vinnie’s room, and Emilia haughtily stormed in, throwing her black purse to the bed and facing the taller boy again, matching the ferocity of his voice with her feline glower.

“ I’m just saying that was a stupid ass desicion” Leo threw his hands to the sky.

“ And I’m saying nobody fucking asked you. What do you know about dating anyways?” Emilia crossed her arms. Leo let out a humorless laugh as he watched the expressions of the two other boys in the room and pointed at Emilia.

“ Can you believe this bitch?” He grimaced. Emilia rolled her amber eyes.

“ What’s going on?” Vinnie asked.

“ Leo’s being a twit because Desmond Waverly asked me out on a date this weekend and Desmond doesn’t pass his vibe check or something”

“ None of us like Desmond in this group, Emilia. He was being a cunt at that party of yours and he still is. I overheard him talk about banging Ernest Niles and Josephine Delton’s daughter that day so whatever he has interest in isn’t you for who you are. You’re making the mistake of a century here, Em”

“ Yeah and that was 2 years ago he’s changed”

“ Assholes like him never do”

“ Everybody, calm down,” Vinnie exclaimed. Elijah beckoned Leo over to sit beside him on the bed.

“ Emilia, are you sure about Desmond?” Elijah asked.

“ Yes! And like it’s one date. What’s the harm in one fucking date? It’s not like we’re considering marriage” Emilia threw her head back in frustration.

“ Oh, naw! Don’t even say the word ‘marriage’” Leo shook his head.

“ Oh my god, Leo you’re totally insufferable” Emilia scoffed.

“ You heard that comment too, and you’re still going on a date with him” Leo scoffed back.

“ He was really sorry about that, you know. Trust me, Leonardo, he’s changed. Just one date, and if we don’t connect that well, it’ll be just that, okay?” Emilia tried to console both herself and her friend. But Leo wouldn’t stop shaking his head.

“ Leo, your head is gonna roll on this floor if you don’t stop that” Elijah nervously chuckled. He tried to put an arm around the ginger, only to have it roughly flung off. Leo got up from the bed, and instinctively, Vinnie and Elijah followed.

“ You know what, Emilia, go. Go on a date with the motherfucker who openly talked about wanting to fuck you because your mom’s a supermodel and your dad a rap star. You always were a shallow fucking bitch, you know that? You only said yes to Desmond cuz of his perfect collarbones and cuz he’s such a good pigeon hunter or whatever the fuck yall old money people do” Leo was fuming. Emilia went as pale as a ghost, her french manicured hands trembling like a leaf in autumn, and her glossed lip mimicking those hands. Emilia took shaky breaths, looking anywhere but at Leo’s rage stricken face.

“ Leo, apologize to her right now,” Vinnie ordered. Leo looked at Emilia and saw what he had been seeing for around a month now. Emilia with a shining aura that nobody else had, always in her best colors, a magnet with amber eyes and the highlight of his day. He didn’t know what she was, but she definitely wasn’t fit for a snake like Desmond Waverly, and the displeasure on her face definitely wasn’t something he could laugh at or tease. It wasn’t cute, it made him feel like trash. But Leo was Leo, and maybe that’s why Emilia opted for Desmond.

“ I don’t feel too well right now. I’ll call my driver. I’ll text you later, Vin. Bye” Emilia couldn’t help the tears now.

“ Hey hey hey, you just got here. You'll be better by the end of the night. It’s no fun without you” Vinnie tried cooing her back, but Emilia was stubborn.

“ Not all of you” she said hoarsely, the golden chains of her purse clinking as she snatched it from the bed. Her screen illuminated her face as she began texting her driver, and Leo wished it hadn’t. He didn’t need the goddamn phone screen to alert him that he made her tear up.

“ Nelson’s gonna be here in 5 minutes. Vinnie, can I have something to drink?” She sniffled.

“ Be right back with your drink, Em”. Elijah followed Vinnie to the kitchen. Emilia left the room to go to the bathroom shortly afterwards, leaving Leo alone in the room with his feelings.

“ Oh my god, who pissed in Leo’s breakfast?” Elijah grimaced, reaching for a cup.

“ You know what I think?” Vinnie opened the fridge.

“ What?”

“ Leo is jealous”

“ You sure? I mean you think she’s his type?”

“ Just a hunch. I saw their interactions lately and I don’t know about her, but he’s got the la vie en rose for Em or my name isn’t Vincent. He’s both protective of her and jealous of Desmond. And if that’s not right, well, they’d be a good match nonetheless”

“ And how long have you been shipping our best friends together, Englishman?”

“ I felt jealous when I saw Riley Zimmerman get closer with you last year, and she was a nice girl, but I’ve never been  so glad someone moved away” Vinnie suddenly gripped the cup tighter.

“ Vinnie, what did Riley ever do to you?” Elijah furrowed his brows.

“ This” Vinnie was on his tiptoes now, and Elijah’s lips were softer than he had dreamed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eren followed Y/N around like a baby duckling does to his mother. Eren with a victorious grin and Y/N with a humiliated rose flush.

“ Out of my house, Yeager!” She exclaimed from the other side of the kitchen counter. That locket. She should’ve burned it 14 years ago, but the part of her that weakened for the man couldn't do it. Love was too strong a word. Love was what she once had for him, and she couldn’t allow love to show its painfully pretty face at her doorstep again.

He ruined her nights and he pierced her trust. He robbed her of her smile and he deserted her. But in those last moments, she still needed a souvenir to keep her going and keep whatever part of him that wasn’t stoned to death alive. Perhaps because she refused to see him as a villain and sought to excuse his crime, or because love is immortal. But all these years, through the curses and cries, through the hurt unforgiven, through the bitterness and promise of any of his traits being passed to his son, the locket dangled around her neck close to her heart. A secret exposed.

“ You kept the locket,” Eren said again. Defeated, Y/N fetched a huge bottle of wine from the fridge and popped it open. She took a long sip.

“ I did”

“ Why?”

“ I don’t know”

“ Come on, there has to be a more profound reason” Eren pressed on.

Y/N took another sip. And another sip. And another sip.

“ You’ll get alcohol poisoning at this rate,” Eren said worriedly. In a flash, he jumped over the kitchen counter next to Y/N, who jerked the bottle away from his hand.

“Give me the bottle”

“ Fuck off”

“Give me the bottle”

“ Fuck off”

“ Okay, tell me why you kept the locket” Eren crossed his arms.

Y/N tried to ignore him, but he moved in front of her. She set the bottle on the counter.

“ Because even after that day you basically shunned me from your life, for a hot minute, I still loved you” Y/N admitted, unable to make eye contact with the man. Hope rose in Eren’s chest again.

“ Really?” He breathed, blinking rapidly in surprise. Y/N nodded with her head facing the ground.

“ Don’t get any ideas, Yeager. I’m still resisting the urge to murder you. That was years ago” Y/N warned him.

“ And you didn’t throw away the locket even after you supposedly lost feelings for me” Eren fixed his eyes on the locket. Y/N was speechless again.

“ So I see you after 14 years and your actions don’t add up with your words because you hate me sooo much but you still have the other piece of a jewelry set. Y/N, it really doesn’t have to be so hard. If you can just sit down and talk with me properly we could do so much. We could be so good. I believe we’re meant to be”

“ Beliefs really do change over the years don’t they” Y/N snickered, taking another sip of the wine.

“ You don’t think you can ever forgive me again?” Eren asked, fearing the answer. The alcohol had made Y/N’s guard go down, so she answered honestly and not spitefully.

“ I don’t know, maybe. You hurt me but I can’t really throw you out again, now can I?”

Eren began downing the wine now. How did they get so deep again? It started out with her going down memory lane. Maybe tonight wasn’t the night for all the emotional talk. That could wait. After all, one of the quickest ways to win a woman over was humor, right?

“ Well, no, darling. Don’t throw me out! Please don’t. I really like MILFs and you’re the finest MILF in this city” Eren playfully pouted, catching Y/N off guard.

“ What the hell?” She cackled. There it was. That sound again. So full of life and mirth. Unstoppable. She bent over her knee and slapped the counter laughing at his joke. She didn’t care how easy she seemed. 

“ Well then that makes you a DILF” She laughed. Eren tested the waters by putting his hand on her shoulder, and she didn’t jerk it off.

The door opened, and in walked Elijah. The laughter halted.

Elijah silently observed his parents, who were nervously observing him. For a split second, the house seemed like a real family. With a mother and father who teased each other at the kitchen counter. He relished in seeing his mother laugh, it was the man beside him that spoiled his mood. His father.

“ Mom, what’s he doing here?” Elijah pointed his chin at Eren.

“ Nothing, actually. He kinda just followed me here. It’s not that serious. Besides, he’s leaving now. Mr. Yeager, farewell to you” Y/N cleared her throat.

“ Are you stalking my mother? Oh my god. You know what? I don’t have time for this right now or for this guy. I’m having a great day and you can’t ruin it. I’m going up to my room”.

Eren watched Elijah storm up the stairs.

“ Y/N?”

Y/N hummed in response.

“ You might not like this, but you know despite everything, I love Elijah and I would never dream of hurting him. Don’t you think it’s time I have a little heart to heart with him, a father to a son?”

“ I can’t disagree with that. I can;t put up a front today, Yeager”

“ Thank you”.

Eren rushed up the stairs, anxiety in his veins and hope in his heart. Elijah’s room was cracked open. Eren saw a ragdoll stroll out of the door. With a deep breath, he tentatively opened the door, and then closed it shut behind him.

Elijah sat up on his bed, defensive instincts manifesting in the form of clenched fists as he glared at his dad.

“ It’s time we have a heart to heart, son” Eren pulled the rolling chair from Elijah’s desk and sat down on it.

“ You hate me. You want me gone from your life. Your anger is understandable. But nonetheless, I’m your father and I’m back. The situation is still unclear and everyone is an emotional wreck, you’re taking the hardest hit. We need to talk. Rationally too”.

#eren jeager #aot modern au #eren yeager #aot eren #eren x fem!reader #eren x reader #eren x you #aot eren jeager #aot fanfiction #eren x y/n #eren yeager x y/n #eren yeager x you #eren yeager x reader #eren yeager headcanons #eren jeager x reader #eren jeager headcanons #eren jeager x you #aot x female reader #aot x y/n #aot x reader #aot x you #modern au eren #eren modern au #eren aot

[melpomene-writes]

ok so this is shitty and very much the first thing ive ever written (and probably the last).so im sorry beforehand. and please keep in mind that eng is not my mother tongue💪and i didnt proof read. also can i be the 🦦anon if its not taken

it can be seen in the way how she excuses herself when you are in the same room for more then 10 minutes. or in the way how she doesnt hold the eye contact anymore. or how she always pairs you up with literally anyone else but her when you should collect samples from the planet surfaces or when you go out to check on the space crafts outer casing for any damage. because thats what you do, checking on the shuttle to see if anythings wrong. so a few days later when you gather enough courage to ask her whats wrong jihyo doesnt get buffled because thats what you do checking on machines and people. and the way she tries to assure you should be enough because she is looking right through your eyes but what catches your attention is the crumpled papers on the little foldable stall (because they take up so much space[no pun intended] and every mm is crucial if you live with 4 other people in a limited zone). so you know she is nervous because she always writes her thoughts and just scrumples it up if there is a word, even just one, that she doesnt likes. jihyo would probably prefer to drink till she cant remember whats niggling her but alcohol is prohibited in space and even if it wasnt she wouldnt want to be a bad example as the commander.

you try a few more times for her to open up but she doesnt budge untill a few days later. you are talking about the book you finished with momo. she is the lunar module pilot from japan. before the first day of the mission only hearing her name and the title of being the best LMP in japan (maybe even the whole endustry but lets not give her this to brag) made you withdraw a little but turns out she is a really good person to talk to while munching half dry space brownies. in fact she was kind enough to let you borrow her book. you are so engrossed in your conversation that you dont realize that jihyo is standing in fromt of the module that you’re speaking in.

“do you have a minute to talk?” this is the longest thing she said except the orders for the shuttle. you get up without saying anything, just turning back to nod to momo for curtesy.

walking to her own private room feels like its taking hours but infect it should ve less then 5 minutes because the space station that the shuttle situated in is not that big and every one stays close to eachother incase an emergency.

she sits to a chair and expects you to sit on her bed. this is better in a way because at least you have covers beneathe your hand to toy with. you know that look in her face and itll make you need something to fidget with.

“so…” there is a pause and you dont know where to look. “ i have been doing some thinking… and i think we should quit what we have. and before you say something please let me finish.” all you can think of is why arent you so suprised and also you wouldn say anything even if you want to…doesnt she know this? you always seize up when things like this adresses you. so all you do is continue looking out the portholes. it helps a little to be able to see a glimpse of another planet,S818 or something like that, tho very far away,familiar. jeongyeon explaned a few days before that it is so cold and you would be dead the second youve touched the atmosphere so no getting samples from there.

“it is just too much. the responsibility.the burden. its getting to me. i cant sleep. and i dont want to do this between all this. i dont want to think about you while i’m doing something for this mission. its not good for me. its not good for anyone. its not professional. and its making me feel so so bad.” you only now realise that she is standing. you cant formulate your words. you were never good ad speaking dor yourself and jihyo did it for you most of the time. she stops and waits for you to say something. but only thing speaks for you is the tear on your left cheek. a tear that makes you curse the gravity. stupid station. stupid gravity. stupid feelings. the only thing you manage to say is a quite “okay” while you’re wiping it. she turns her back slowly. you wonder if she is also looking at S818. you think it cant be colder than jihyos heart. the tought almost makes you smile untill you remember why you where sitting in this bed in the first place. the small bed that was big enough for jihyo and you ever since your spacecraft attached to this station. you rise slowly and say “ill be out of your way, commander.” with the best voice you can muster. you probably should say something to oppose what she’s saying “please dont say that!” or just a simple “No!”. after that you can continue to make her belive that she is making a wrong decision. you have never been happier. more willing to live. you love her. even though you havent said that to each other that much is evident the way you look at her, the way you brighten up when you see her. (even mina makes fun of your googly eyes though you try to convince her there is no such a thing but no avail.) but you dont dont say anything, you cant. all you can do is to walk away without looking back.

i loved it, tysm 🦦 anon <;3 angst will always be on top 💪

now pt.2 pls (jk, unless...)

#🦦 anon #asks

[biboyhalo]

GIRL.. WHAT LINK THAT SNIPPET (hope u don’t mind me saying girl)

i rly dont care i call absolutely everyone girl lmao its just as gender neutral to me atp as dude and bro

and i posted it a few months ago so i rly cba with scrolling that far so here have the snippet AND more bc ive written since then. you know what here have 600 words out of the 4k ive written so far why not

George walks into the kitchen, phone in one hand, the other stuffed into the pocket of his hoodie. He's sporting bed-hair, but weirdly, the strands of it still arrange themselves into an attractive mess. Leave it to George to pull off having a pillow as a hairdresser and still manage to look good.

"Look at this." George says, no hello or good morning in sight, and comes up to Dream, the screen turning to face him.

But... Dream doesn't look at the screen. Instead, his eyes catch on George's face. More specifically the lower part of his face. And no, not his lips, at this point Dream's used to sneaking secret glances while his gaze slides around. Getting distracted just by that on a regular morning like this wasn't really a problem. Although, this new thing wasn't exactly a problem, either.

George hasn't shaved. He hasn't shaved yesterday and the day before, not even the day before that. Dream isn't quite sure when the last day George has actually been clean shaven was. If he were to guess, a week and a half sounds about accurate. 

They've been finally just resting, no obligations to leave the house for a week now, first time since George moved in a few months ago. So maybe it should have been kind of expected that George would not care about how he looks as much. Damn, Dream hasn't washed his hair in about a week himself, just letting it do whatever it needs to do.

But the surprise is still the same. George's facial hair isn't exactly a beard yet, but it's the longest Dream has ever seen it. Especially above his upper lip. Chin hairs tended to grow quicker and thicker on George anyway, from what he'd noticed. But the facial hair covers the moustache now, too. Well, no, not a full moustache. But also not not a moustache. It's something.

He acts before he thinks. That's kind of his thing, historically, thoughts always too chaotic to try to make sense of them anyway. So with the new observations on his mind, he ignores them all and reaches out his hand, presses it to the side of George's cheek.

It's rough underneath his fingers.

"What are you doing?" George's eyebrow is raised, an amused, but still confused smile on his features. He doesn't move away though, so Dream traces the line of his jaw where the stubble is the longest with his thumb. 

Then he finally thinks. 

The hand is gone within a second, a humoured laugh following its absence. "Are you in your beard era or something?" 

"My beard era?" The phone moves down with George's left arm and Dream's eyes follow it, before focusing back on his face where it's George's turn to touch his own stubble.

"Yeah, you're all like…" He takes George's appearance in. A shiver runs through him. Hm. "Scruffy." he finishes.

George scoffs, a beautifully defiant sound that's so George. "Scruffy, he says." he rolls his eyes then graces Dream with a similar judgement, looking him up and down. "Look at yourself. You have the whole… beard and messy hair combo. And I'm scruffy?"

"A combo?" The corners of Dream's lips rise in amusement.

"Yeah, an idiot combo." George moves the phone up to Dream’s eye level once again. “Look.”

It’s a twitter message, from someone called Colby. The profile picture rings some bells of recognition in Dream's head, but before he can connect the dots, or even start on reading the long block of text, George speaks again.

"Sam and Colby are asking if we want to do a haunted house with them again. Well, again for me. First time for you."

#wip #asks #anon #jan 23

[moody4world]

I posted 7,902 times in 2022

That's 7,743 more posts than 2021!

958 posts created (12%)

6,944 posts reblogged (88%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@harlowsbby

@harlowcomehome

@iguessweallcrazyithinktho

@creme-delacreme

I tagged 1,412 of my posts in 2022

#jack harlow - 350 posts

#anon - 227 posts

#jack harlow x reader - 215 posts

#jack harlow concepts - 187 posts

#jack harlow imagine - 183 posts

#jack harlow x y/n - 158 posts

#jack harlow x you - 154 posts

#urban wyatt - 124 posts

#jack harlow smut - 88 posts

#jackman thomas harlow - 78 posts

Longest Tag: 114 characters

#this is just so embarrassing for you. why would i send myself an anon instead of just saying what i wanted to say?

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

moody can you write about jack and reader having fun at a club but her feet hurt from her heels so he carries her to the car like the gentleman he is 🥰🥰🥰🥰

Piggy back rides

A/N(?): i am !!NOT!! a writer, everything i write and post is simply for fun and not to be taken seriously

This fic is longer than the ones ive written before and i had some help from the amazing @harlowcomehome . I’m so sorry it took me so long to post this, i changed it up a bit so i hope you like it!! @exoticr0ses

See the full post

193 notes - Posted August 21, 2022

#4

What was that?

reader showing jacks arms some extra love

A/N: once again everything i post is just for fun and i am !!NOT!! a writer. ( Jack harlow fluff)

Jack has been working out every chance he got lately and you’ve definitely been noticing the changes in his muscles.

These days you noticed how he flexes his muscles in front of the bathroom mirror in the morning and before bed, meanwhile Jack has noticed how obsessed you’ve become with his arms.

Your favorite thing to do was peck them whenever you got close enough, which was quite often.

The first time you walked past him and gave him a peck on his bicep he was not expecting it and was slightly confused but still quite flustered. “Uh…what was that?” you give him a questioning look and say “What was what?” “You just kissed my arm…why?” “You’re lucky i didnt bite it. It just looks so big and soft now i cant help it.” you shrugged and walked away.

A few days later he started wearing anything that would have his arms on display just so he can get pecks from you all day every day.

He would never admit it to you but it was secretly one of his favorite things that you do.

A/N(?): hope you like this @bigschmood

214 notes - Posted August 13, 2022

#3

Got you good

A/N: Requested by zooty aka @webinurcloset Artist!Reader pranking Jack while on the radio

Today was one of the days you had to do back to back radio interviews to promote your new album. You were tired and ready to go back to the hotel to annoy Jack like you always do. you can’t help it though, it’s your love language. Luckily this interview has been the most fun so far. The host named Daniel has been asking you all the right questions and made you feel very comfortable.

“Aaand we are back, the song you just heard is called Sanity from y/n’s brand new album Shadows. Now before we played the song we were talking about how the album came about and all the ideas you guys had for it and you mentioned that Jack, your boyfriend helped you out a bit right?” You shrugged as you said in a joking tone “I mean I wouldn’t say he helped helped but i guess he did something.” Most people that know you are aware that you like to joke a lot. You’re not one to take life too seriously but you are serious when you need to be….some times. “Nah i’m just playing he definitely helped me, he’s very supportive and helps me whenever he can wether its an advice or if i ask him his opinion on something so i really love him for that and i really appreciate him yeah”

“That’s really nice, I had Jack in here at the beginning of may when he released his album and all he would talk about is you, it was adorable. The guy was red in the face almost the entire time.” Daniel laughed remembering his interview with Jack.

“He’s obsessed with me and he admits it”

“Yeah that’s exactly what he told me, he’s a proud boyfriend”

“Would you believe me if i told you he tells me that every day? because he really does and i’m not even kidding.”

“Wow” Daniel was surprised and impressed.

“It’s like a part of his daily’s affirmations at this point.” You managed to get another laugh out of Daniel once again.

“Okay so i remember you saying how much you love pranking Jack, is that true?”

“Definitely true”

“Definitely?”

“Definitely, he just falls so easily for them it’s hilarious like how can i stop?!”

“So would you be down to prank Jack right now?”

“Shit i’m down let’s do it” You took a sip from your water bottle while Daniel explained the prank to you in detail. “Okay so we’re gonna call him right now on your phone and let’s see how this goes.”

“Make sure you sound super hysterical so he falls for it.”

You tell Daniel before he presses the call button. “Hysterical, okay got it.” Daniel presses the button and the phone rings twice before Jack picks up. Daniel doesn’t waste any time waiting for him to greet you before he starts his master plan. “Jack you need to help me, y/n hurt her ankle really bad and i don’t know how to help her, she can’t stand or walk at all.” Jack was immediately confused and on high alert panicking to get you some help. “Wait how did she get hurt ? What do you mean?” You were covering your mouth trying to muffle your laugh at his panic and so was Daniel, he quickly recollected himself so he could continue the prank. “What else would i mean?! She fell off the bed and her ankle i don’t know what happened but it’s hurting really bad man. You should call an ambulance, tell them we’re at the Marriott Hotel on 46th street”

And that’s when something clicks in Jack’s brain. Bed? hotel? Something was not adding up. “Wait wait wait who even are you? And why are you guys sharing a hotel room? Because y/n said she had brunch with a friend right now. Who the fuck are you man?” “Dude y/n is literally in pain, that should be the least of your worries right now. Don’t worry about all that, help me help her.” “The fuck do you mean don’t worry about it?! You’re some random fuck sharing a room with my girl when she said she had brunch. Pass the phone to y/n, where is she?” You and Daniel were in absolute tears at this point.

You felt a little bad for making him get so worked up but you would apologize later. Right now you were too busy holding your stomach from the pain of laughing too hard. Daniel quickly muted the call so he could get his own laugh out but since he didn’t hang up all you guys could hear was Jack’s constant “Hello?? Helloooo? Pass the fucking phone to y/n bro i’m so serious.” “You know what it’s fine i’ll just drive her to the hospital by myself. I managed to help her stand up and she’s getting dressed now.” You and Daniel both knew that this would send Jack in to a spiral and you could feel the rage in his tone. “DRESSED?! what do you mean you’re getting dressed? IS SHE NAKED?! Pass her the fucking phone.”

Daniel gives in passing you the phone while he runs to the corner of the studio to laugh even more. You wiped your tears and got into character as best as you could after laughing so much. “Hey Jack, can you meet me at the hospital?” “Y/n i’m not playing who was that?” “It’s no one Jac-“ Jack never cuts you off but in this moment he was so mad he could not care less. “Y/n i’m dead serious i’m gonna pull up to that hotel and i’m beating his fucking ass. Why are you at a hotel with this man and naked?! WHO IS HE” Jack started rambling non stop and asking you a bunch of questions. You actually started to feel bad now and although it was funny at first you didn’t want to hurt his feelings this much or any more. “Jack it’s a prank it’s a prank.”

“Heeey Jack it’s Daniel from 808.9 Radio. It was a prank, we really had you.” The other side of the phone went dead silent. Jack was fuming but he felt a huge relief knowing that it wasn’t real. He would’ve recognized Daniel’s voice if he spoke more calmly but they called him in such a panic that he panicked as well and didn’t pay attention. “You guys are fucked up for that. I almost had a heart attack and Daniel was about to get his ass beat.” “Well lucky for my ass that this was just a prank, it was nice hearing from you man. Sorry about that.” “Nah i need to get you back now so be on the look out man.” Jack joked to Daniel as he hung up the phone.

You get through the rest of the interview before finally being on your way back to the hotel to meet up with Jack. You were nervous to see if he would still be grumpy about the prank or if he would laugh it off like he always did with your other pranks.

You opened the room door slowly and peeked your head in first before walking in to see Jack sitting against the headboard with his left hand behind his head of curls and his phone in his right hand. He didn’t even spare you a glance and that’s when you knew, you fucked up.

So you decided to butter him up the only way you knew how. You jumped onto the bed right next to him and stared into his soul until he finally gave in and acknowledged your presence. “That prank was not cool.” You could tell it really hurt his feelings which was not your intention at all. “I’m really sorry, i promise that wasn’t my intention.” You apologized to him sincerely.” “You’d never cheat on me unless it’s with Chris Evans so i should’ve known it was some fake shit.”

He was definitely right about that so you weren’t going to deny it. “Yeah that’s definitely true, but i mean it though i really am sorry.” You climbed right on top of him with your full body weight and cuddled him. Jack was much taller and heavier than you so he never minded when you did this. He was actually the one who suggested you do it claiming “Weighted blankets cost money and i already pay a lot to keep you.” His words, not yours. The two of you laid there cuddled up and just enjoying each other’s presence. “Jack?” “Yeah?” “You gotta admit i got you good.” Jack rolled his eyes not willing to admit it. “Yeah i guess you did.”

307 notes - Posted October 27, 2022

#2

You idk if you taking requests but you know that one award show moment where Nicki Minaj is like “Shoutout yo Donatella for custom making this dress for me and shoutout to Michel B Jordan because he gonna be taking it off me tonight” PLEASE do one where Jack says something along those lines omg 😭😂 I just feel like Jack would say that about the reader

Big shout out

A/N: This is rapper!reader i hope that’s okay. I got this request a while ago but im glad i could finally get to it.

Jack and You have been friends for a couple years now. Both your careers started around the same time and you two became close after being part of the XXL freshman class of 2020. Jack was always very supportive of you and you of him.

He would give you advice on how to deliver your bars and flow while you would give him advice on his lyrics and beats. Things tended to get a bit hectic when albums had to be dropped and tours had to be done but the two of you always made time for each other.

Whether it’s a facetime or a brief text or a voice recording, you guys did not go a day without hearing from one another. Most people believed that the two of you were dating until you made an instagram post revealing your brand new relationship with Polo G.

That was your first mistake. Posting a brand new relationship was never a bright idea and unfortunately you learned that the hard way. You and Polo had a rough start to your relationship due to claims of him talking to other women while we he had you convinced that he was loyal. The two of you would break up and make up constantly and your business would be on gossip pages every few weeks.

On the other hand, Polo always had an issue with Jack being the friend you confided in during your fights with him. It ended up with him dissing Jack in one of his songs which simply lead to another fight between the two of you even though Jack never gave any reaction in return. December 2021 you finally had enough and posted an official announcement that Polo G no longer have or want anything to do with one another. Your comments were flooded with mixed reactions but sadly, most of them were saying how this is just another one of your stupid fights and you would take him back again.

This time you had put your foot down and wanted to start your 2022 peacefully with brand new goals ahead. Throughout all your drama, Jack never treated you any differently. In fact the two of you got even closer after your break up and dropped an album together in March. You had made an instagram post wishing him a happy birthday and it went viral unintentionally.

“The guy she tells you not to worry about.” Was what everyone but mainly men were saying. The thing is, you and Jack had never crossed any lines of friendship. Everything between the two of you has always been strictly platonic except for a couple suggestive jokes here and there but that was normal between friends. Everyone around you and Jack always say that there’s a spark and lots of tension between you two but neither of you ever acted on it.

Around may you noticed Jack started flirting with you a lot more and the lines of friendship began to blur. It wasn’t surprising but at the same time you were never prepared for the things he would say. “Megan asked you to perform at her birthday party right?” “Yeah, i’m excited.” “Isn’t it at a strip club?” “So?” “If I come will you do a dance?” He said it with such a straight face and that only made it more shocking to you. No smug or goofy smile that he usually had when he was joking.

The flirting went on for months and you were definitely flirting back.

September rolls around and it was soon to be the VMAs. You were set to perform your new song with Flo Mili and Jack was opening and co-hosting the show. You were getting ready in your hotel room with the help of your team when your phone started ringing and of course it was Jack.

“I’m getting ready what do you want?” You say while your makeup artist applied your eyeshadow. “Damn. No hello? Let me see you, all I see is the ceiling.” “Jack I can’t move too much i’m getting my makeup done.” You lifted the phone facing you and Jack let out a loud whistle that even startled your make up artist. “WHEW you look so fine my goodness.” He had a giant smile on his face just like a kid on christmas. “That color looks beautiful on you.” You were a giggling and flustered mess. “Thank you. Now show me your snazzy suit Mister Givenchy.” Jack panned the camera down to his all black suit that was snug around his small waist and just right around his wide shoulders. He looked so good you could just eat him up.

See the full post

503 notes - Posted December 2, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Bitch I’m not shady

How about something with jack just coming up with new nicknames for you every week like one week you’re his “stinkabutt” or the next week you’re his “baby boo” or “pookie boo” and urban and coplean laughing and making fun of him but jack doesn’t care cause he loves you and loves making you feel loved

My baby boo

A/N: nads i know you sent this like a month if not two months ago but hey, at least i got to it😭 i hope you like it sis!!

“Goodmorning stink.” Was the first thing Jack said to you when he walked into the kitchen. The nickname took you by surprise because it was not something Jack usually did.

Most of the time you were the one who would call him silly nicknames like stink or pookie but Jack always stuck to the regular ‘baby’ or ‘babe’. Even getting a ‘baby girl’ from him was rare.

“Oh? what’s gotten into you huh?”

You asked him while you were making breakfast for the two of you. Jack shrugged “Just felt like being extra sweet to you stink, showing you some extra love.” Jack wrapped his arms around your waist and gave you a quick kiss on your temple then went to get plates to set up breakfast.

Through out the entire month Jack has been switching nicknames every week. It first started with Stink then it was Pookie boo then he went back to Stink but decided to make it Stinkabutt. Sometimes it was Bubba and the latest, Baby boo.

Jack did not care where you two were, wether at home or out and about he would call you the nickname he chose for that week. If Neelam was around when he said one of them you were guaranteed a shake of the head or an attempted hidden but very obvious giggle. But the good thing was, she still thought it was very cute. She had never seen Jack so swooned and she had to admit that she really enjoyed the ‘in love’ look on him.

Apart from Neelam you guys had to deal with the one’s who didn’t think it was as cute. Urban and Cope would always get on Jack’s ass for the silly nicknames he used for you lately. They would laugh their asses off, mock him and then laugh their asses off some more. This time happened to be no different.

Jack had just finished his performance as he walked back into the dressing room backstage where you were all hanging out and waiting for him.

He walked to where you were sitting, first thing. Bending forward and puckering his lips asking you for a kiss. You gave him a very quick one not wanting to full on kiss him in front of his friends. You didn’t mind a bit of PDA but kissing him how you really wanted to with Urban and Cope sitting so close was a bit much for you.

Jack, however was not satisfied so of course he had to whine about it. “Come on Baby boo what was that? Kiss me right.” You didn’t even get a chance to let out an answer before Urban and Copelan started to cackle very loudly. They were wheezing and slapping each other’s shoulders and even turning red from how much they were laughing at Jack.

If someone were to walk in at that moment they would think you just told them world’s funniest joke.You and Jack were not as amused but you had to admit that their ugly laughs were pretty contagious. A slight giggle managed to escape from you but not from Jack. Urban and Cope started mimicking Jack by teasingly calling each other Baby boo and making kissing noises at each other.

Yet Jack couldn’t care less. He shook his head at the two idiots he called his best friends, turned back to you and got a proper kiss from his Baby boo.

515 notes - Posted November 5, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

my longest tag has me cracking up cause i dont even remember that😭

also this is way too many posts i should stfu from now on damn

both of my @webinurcloset requests being in my top posts is a sign to write more of your requests fr

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

[spacedikut]

how to ask a girl out ; spencer reid

pairing: spencer reid (criminal minds) x reader

summary: elle sees an opportunity to teach spencer about asking a girl out. 3275 words

a/n: based on this scene. this is the longest fic ive ever written so sorry if it’s a painful read 

Spencer feels creepy staring at you like this.

There’s no other way to put it. He feels like he’s twelve again, the youngest in his Las Vegas high school, staring at all the pretty girls that get his heart racing just by existing. But you’re more enchanting than those girls. He could watch you do anything, he thinks, because no matter what you’re doing you look picture perfect, like you don’t have a single bad angle.

Spencer still has the social skills of twelve year old him, though. Especially when dealing with cute people.

“You know,” The voice makes Spencer jump, “If you stare long enough, she just might notice.”

Elle is smirking with her arms crossed, shooting Spencer an incriminating look. He tenses.

Seeing his discomfort, Elle relents, “I’m teasing, Reid.” He visibly relaxes against the door frame he’s half hiding behind, half leaning against.

“I’m not trying to be weird.” He mumbles. Elle thinks he sounds like a kid that was caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

“I know you’re not. Have you… spoken to her?”

You’re somewhat new to the unit. Some kind of assistant to JJ who joined several months ago (three months and three days, if Spencer counted correctly) (he did), which means the team don’t see you that much, just enough that you’ve been the topic of discussion a few times. It doesn’t help that JJ sings your praise, and Hotch recently revealed you made yourself available for babysitting his new-born if he ever needs it. Every time someone mentions you, it’s followed by some kind of compliment. Everyone loves you. Spencer has said all of five words to you, and he’s smitten.

“Hi. I’m Spencer. A doctor.”

When you were introduced you didn’t pay him much attention. He can’t blame you, it was overwhelming for you – being introduced to a whole bunch of FBI agents and then thrown head-first into sorting cases for them. But Spencer paid attention. He couldn’t tear his eyes away. Derek’s caught him staring one too many times, but it isn’t Spencer’s fault he can’t stop thinking about you. You enter the room and Spencer’s attention is pulled to you, like a magnet.

Derek thinks it’s time he made a move. Spencer agreed and maintained that confidence for all of fifteen minutes, until he heard your joyful laugh dance down the hallway and his tongue felt too heavy to form words.

That’s when Elle noticed.

Across the room, you’re laughing at something Derek said with JJ. Seeing you smile makes Spencer smile, and Elle nudges him.

“Have you considered approaching her? Rather than, you know, watching her from afar like she’s prey?”

Spencer huffs, “You think I haven’t tried?”

Every time he’s moved to start a conversation, he finds himself unable to complete a single sentence. After he says hello, then what? He dies?

Elle breathes through her nose in frustration. “She’s a nice girl. I’ve spoken to her a couple of times. She mentioned the other day she wants to visit the local museum, since she just moved and hasn’t really explored yet. Shame no one is available to accompany her, right?”

“Are you implying something?”

“Yes.”

“I-I don’t. I can’t-“

“You can’t or you won’t?”

Spencer’s always admired Elle’s ability to be blunt and fearless. But he isn’t Elle, Elle isn’t him, so to him it doesn’t feel like he simply chooses to pussy out of talking to you – it feels like he’s physically constrained. Like he’s fighting against the tide of the ocean to reach you, and he keeps getting pushed back, further and further away from you.

Elle’s eyes shift between you and Spencer, like she’s watching a tennis match. “Just go up and ask her. It’s that simple. If she says no, she says no. No big deal!”

Spencer shakes his head, “I can’t do that. It’s Y/N! She’s-she’s-“

“A normal human being. You know, like you and me? The second you start putting people on pedestals is when things start falling apart.” She pats him on the shoulder as encouragement, “Have some confidence, Reid.”

And she walks away, as if just telling him to have some confidence will make him suddenly have the courage to whisk you off your feet.

He wishes he could whisk you off your feet.

+++

The paperwork is never ending. Times like this, Spencer considers recanting his stance on technology – maybe having everything on an online database would be a good idea. The stacks upon stacks around him would agree.

A paper ball hits the back of Spencer’s head.

He turns, slowly, and Elle gives a wave from her desk. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Can I… help you?”

“Yes, you can.” She nods to the paper on the floor, “Read it.”

He leans and grabs the ball from the floor, opening it with furrowed brows.

Step 1: Actually talk to her.

Suddenly, Elle is standing right next to him, looking all-too-pleased with herself. She leans over him.

“What does this mean?”

“You wanna date Y/N? Talk to her. That means marching right up to her pretty little face and saying more than, like, a few words to her. You need to have a conversation with her to let her know you’re interested.”

Elle’s clearly confident in her plan, but it seems she’s forgetting an important detail – this is Spencer that she’s dealing with. Not Derek, who can charm anyone out of anything (or into anything), not Hotch who, when he wants to be, is the smoothest criminal ever. Not even Gideon, with his soft eyes that make anyone that stares into them feel safe. He’s Spencer Reid who, according to one guy, looks like a pipe cleaner with eyes.

Spencer’s hesitant to take any of Elle’s advice.

“What would I… say to her?” He asks. If he does talk to you, what does he even say? Do you even want to talk to him? What if you immediately hate him and JJ beats him up? She could do it. He’s seen her guns.

Elle looks at him incredulously, “Reid! C’mon! Anything! Ask how her day has been, if she had a good weekend, are there plans for this weekend… Literally anything.” Spencer gives a look of distrust, “You’ll know if she’s interested, trust me. She’ll reciprocate. If she doesn’t, she’s not up for it, and there’s your answer without even asking her out.”

At that moment, you and JJ appear from thin air, whispering to one another with your arms full of files. Both Spencer and Elle’s watchful gazes follow you right up until JJ’s office door is clicked shut and when you can only slightly be seen through the blinds, Spencer still stares. Elle hits him over the head.

“Pay attention!”

“She’s distracting!”

“She walked by you, not gave you a lap dance! Focus on the plan!”

With a sigh, he looks back to the crumpled paper in his hands. “What’s step two?”

The paper’s yanked out of his hands and Elle furiously scribbles something before handing it back to him.

Step 2: Make her laugh.

“I can’t do that.”

She scoffs, “Reid.”

“People laugh at me, Elle, not with me. The only way she’ll laugh is if I make a complete fool of myself and when I do that, I’m running away and never looking back. You’ll never see me again.”

Sick of the self-deprecation, Elle leans close to Spencer’s face and begins to whisper menacingly.

“Listen, bud,” She threatens, “You need to stop being so hard on yourself. You’re young, you’re inexperienced – that’s why approaching Y/N is so terrifying. Not because she’s out of your league, or you’re not good enough, it’s because you’ve never done this before. It’s simply a fear of stepping out of your comfort zone, so stop being so hard on yourself.”

Spencer isn’t sure how to respond, silently wishing something could get him out of this situation. He’s not used to being complimented so ferociously.

God answers his prayers. In the worst way possible.

“Incoming. Make her laugh, Reid.” Elle says, slinking off back to her desk.

Spencer quickly realises you’re approaching and his hands grip the armrests of his chair. He’s not ready for this. He wishes he had time to prepare, maybe google how to woo a woman, but you’re in front of him, all precious smiles with a manila folder in your hand.

“Hi, Doctor Reid.”

Your voices sounds like heaven. He can’t help but think, despite only listening to classical music, he could listen to your voice and only your voice if given the option. It’s like honey, sweet and smooth, and something inside him stirs. Everything about you is lovely.

He clears his throat and nervously wipes at his nose, “Hey. What can I do for you?”

“I was told to bring this to you,” You hand him the folder, “And JJ wanted me to check up on you. She said you’ve been working non-stop and that you probably consumed your bodyweight in coffee with enough sugar to give a small army diabetes. My guess is she wants to check your heart is still beating.”

Spencer laughs at that, which encourages you to giggle along. He freezes when he sees the way your eyes scrunch and smile widens when you laugh – he’d only seen it from a distance, up close it feels intimate and causes his throat to tighten. When your laughter dies, you’re left with an awkward silence as he stares. You shuffle your feet.

Elle is trying to look like she isn’t paying attention, but in her head she’s screaming at Spencer to say something!!!

“Sorry for disturbing you if you’re – um – if you’re busy.” You gesture to the mess on Spencer’s desk, and it’s then that he realises how his silence could’ve looked – to him, you quite literally took his breath away, but to you? He’s a weirdo that is still holding the file mid-air and hasn’t said a thing for far too long.

“No! No,” Spencer brushes his hair back, “Thank you for the file. JJ’s right, I should probably take a break-“

He looks up then. This is his chance, right?

“Are you busy right now?”

You glance around and your eyes find JJ’s office, where she’s signalling for you to come over, “Yeah. Sorry.”

It feels like a punch in the gut – is this rejection? – but there’s a look of sadness that crosses your face. Your mouth falls at the edges and your brows slightly crease – do you wish you weren’t busy?

If Spencer didn’t feel like he’s seconds away from vomiting, he’d ask. Maybe. That sounds a whole lot like flirting and he isn’t sure he can handle that.

You quickly leave, not before you tell him to look after himself (his heart swells), and the second you’re far enough away Elle is marching right over and throwing the paper at him, again, even though she’s standing right in front of him.

“She rejected me.”

“Yea- wait, what?” Elle starts to celebrate, but stops at her words, “No she didn’t. Did we see different things?”

“It sure felt like rejection. Felt weird.”

“That was the perfect chance to ask her to go out after work or maybe on the weekend, but, in your defence, that’s a Derek-level response and we’re not quite there yet. Step three, go.”

Spencer unfolds the paper ball begrudgingly, wondering if any of this is actually worth it.

Step 3: Get JJ to back the fuck up.

Spencer laughs.

“Either you tell JJ you like her assistant and ask for her help, or you tell JJ you like her assistant and that she needs to stop using her so much.” Elle sounds matter-of-fact and confident.

“You want me to tell JJ to stop giving her assistant work?” Spencer asks, face scrunched.

With a shrug, Elle says, “Or you could ask her to help you. She knows the most about Y/N.”

Looking up to JJ’s office, he realises how true Elle’s statement is. JJ knows you better than anyone else here, you’ve quickly become good friends, and JJ wouldn’t lie to Spencer about you if it involved his feelings. He trusts JJ like that.

But then you throw your head back in laughter, a hearty laugh that JJ follows with her own tinkling chuckle, and Spencer is reminded of the sinking feeling he’s had when he’s been rejected before. The emotional slap in the face that causes you to lose all confidence. In his head, he rationalises that attempting to ask you out is pointless. You won’t like him, scrawny profiler who follows his team members like a lost puppy, the guy unable to maintain eye contact for more than four seconds. The logical side, however, the side that runs the show when Spencer is on a case and hides his feelings, tells him he has nothing to lose. Morgan would be proud of him, not ashamed, because Spencer had the guts to ask someone out – Spencer! Elle would understand and tell him something about learning for next time, and the rest of the team wouldn’t really care.

He has nothing to lose and everything to gain. A date with you? A relationship with you? That’d feel like winning the lottery. It feels more likely than winning the lottery, too.

Then Morgan walks past him, more like swaggers, all good looks and charm and everything Spencer doesn’t have.

Spencer decides he’ll save himself the rejection.

+++

JJ gets involved without Spencer realising. He connects the dots on the way back to Virginia, after a case in which you were brought along instead of JJ.

There was a “family emergency”, apparently, after the debrief and right before take-off. Although it wasn’t your first case, it was your first time travelling with the team. When you pad in, sparkling eyes gliding all around the jet, Spencer zeroes in on the gruesome scene photos to avoid being caught staring.

You fit into the role flawlessly. It’s like you were born for the part, effortlessly slipping into the job of communicator between the team and the police force, standing fearlessly in front of the press as they piled on the pressure.

In the conference room where the team set up, he noticed you actively try to stay out of the way whilst simultaneously help in any way you could. You offered coffee every two hours (Spencer counted), cleaned up any and all rubbish the team left around – burger wrappers, useless post-it notes – and mothered the team by reminding them they need breaks, too.

At the hotel, you jokingly poked Spencer in the shoulder and said, “No more coffee for you. You’ll get a sugar rush and won’t be able to sleep.”

“Like a toddler?”

“Exactly like a toddler. Straight to bed for you.”

You grinned at eachother before you separated to go to your rooms. Around three am, Spencer instinctively went to make himself a drink but stopped and thought of you. He decided for that night, just that night, he could get a somewhat decent amount of sleep.

Now, on the flight home, Gideon pauses before his move in their third game of chess to stare at something behind Spencer’s shoulder. When he notices, Spencer turns to see what has his mentor’s attention and stutters when it’s you. You, looking like you’re straight out of a cheesy romance movie when you push your hair back while reading your book.

Gideon switches from staring at you to staring at Spencer.

“She’s a pretty girl, huh?”

Spencer knows where this is going.

“Elle told me you’re sweet on her.”

“Elle shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Elle has been watching you two the entire case.”

“Elle-“

Gideon clears his throat, making Spencer finally make eye contact, “You scared? Worried?”

“About what?” Spencer asks.

“Rejection. If she’ll laugh in your face, say something about never wanting anyone like you.”

Sometimes, Spencer is terrified of Gideon’s ability to read people. He swears he has this inhuman ability to take a peek into people’s minds, read their most intrusive and negative thoughts, and confront them about them. Like he’s doing to Spencer now.

“Something like that, yeah,” Spencer murmurs. He shuffles uncomfortably in his seat, “It’s your move.”

“I know.” Gideon nods to you, making Spencer look again, “Don’t you think, in twenty years’ time, you’d want to look back at this moment and be glad you asked? No matter the outcome? Rather than wondering if she’d said yes, asking all kinds of what-ifs…”

“You’re telling me to ask her out?”

Gideon gives Spencer a smile that fills him with confidence. He doesn’t know what it is, but he trusts Gideon with his whole life. If he tells him to go for it, then he should go for it, right?

“I happen to know the Virginia museum is having a deal on tickets if you order them online. Might be something to look into.” He sounds borderline smug now.

With one last look to Gideon, he stands and slowly waddles to the chair opposite you.

“Mind if I sit?” He asks, a hand gently resting on the back of the empty seat. You startle slightly at the unexpected voice, but gesture for him to sit with a smile.

“How are you feeling?” You wonder, squinting slightly as the sun shines in your eyes. It makes them sparkle, and Spencer has never understood wanting to drown in someone’s eyes until that moment.

“Just glad the case is over. You did a great job, by the way, filling in for JJ last minute.” Spencer is surprised that his voice doesn’t crack or stop completely.

You beam at the praise, “Thank you. JJ’s got some big boots to fill, even if it’s for one case.”

He shrugs and pulls a face as if you’ve said something ridiculous, “Don’t sell yourself short. When she realises how good you are, she’ll start taking all kinds of holidays.” He jokes.

He can’t help but grin when you laugh.

Elle passes. In the very brief eye contact they make, Elle’s eyes are wide and jumping from you to Spencer, Spencer to you. She’s sending him a message, and he bets Gideon is watching, too.

“Hey,” He starts, leaning on the table between you. You instinctively lean closer, too, which Spencer takes as a positive sign, “How would you.. like…”

He has to take a second to inhale a shaky breath and nervously push his hair behind his ears. You wait, all patient and divine, and his eyes dash around your face.

“To go to the museum with me?”

It comes out rushed and you look confused. “Huh?”

Spencer tries again, after clearing his throat, “How would you like to go to the museum with me? When we get back. As a date.”

“You’re asking me on a date?”

“…Yes?”

If you weren’t staring directly at him, he’d think you were making fun of him and about to unleash a nice bout of rejection.

You move one hand to lean your face against, moving in a little closer, “I would love that.”

Spencer is speechless. You would love that?

“Oh- wow. Yeah, thanks. Good.”

Who says thanks when someone agrees to go on a date with them?

You giggle.

“We’ll plan when we get back?” You ask.

“Yes. Definitely.” He nods three times.

You can’t help but bite your lip, he’s too cute, and it immediately draws Spencer’s attention.

Behind you both, Gideon turns to Elle. “Success.”

Elle rolls her head against the back of her seat and stares out the window, “Step four: Get Gideon to get the job done.”

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfic #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds fanfic #mine #this is incredibly self indulgent because i would give anything to go on a museum date with spencer or mgg #also this was longer before editing and originally included a whole thing with a male police officer being interested in reader but it was #already SO LONG

[jpegjade]

When the Party’s Over - Spencer

WHY IS THIS THE LONGEST THING IVE WRITTEN???? probably bc drunk me is wordy. i do talk a lot when i’m drunk and it gets on people’s nerves. i just really love you guys. i was sad when i wrote this, really sad, and it’s the first “smut”???? ive ever written. so here we go frens and ferns. 

warnings: uuuhhhh smut???

________________

When the night started, you were at Rossi’s house, getting drunk with the team. It was right after a hard case, difficult on everyone’s psyche so Rossi invited everyone over to relax in the usual way. After pasta and drinks, most of the team was still there while Spencer offered to drive you home since you were not in the shape to drive and he was the only one who opted for water instead of alcohol. He was beat but he wasn’t in the mood to drink tonight. 

Spencer was being a good friend but he had his motives. He wanted to talk to you in the car. You weren’t so drunk that you wouldn’t remember the conversation but your inhibitions were lowered enough to be truly and completely honest with him so you were the slightest bit tipsy but not drunk. You were 100% lucid and could think for yourself but you took the excuse to drink some of the smirnoff you brought and keep going. 

He wasn’t planning for it to happen like this but you were being very outspoken to everyone at the party so he figured it was time to get you home before you were out of a job after calling Hotch, “Hotchner the Grouch.” They found it funny but Spencer knew that you could go wrong easily. 

“Spencer Reid.” You said, staring at him. “I’m going to ask you something and I want you to be as honest as I’m being right now.” 

“Okay. I promise to be honest.” Spencer said, a little nervous. He chuckled anyway because you were so adamant that he answered honestly. 

“Do you like me?” You asked, suddenly very serious. 

“Y/n, you’re my best friend. Of course I like you.” Spencer tried to give you an answer that wouldn’t expose his real thoughts. 

For the past few months, Spencer thought about you a lot. It caused him to avoid you a little bit but you wouldn’t let him stray too far away from you. You kept texting him outside of the team group chat. You continued inviting him over for dinner. You never relented on checking in with his mental health. You never gave up on your relationship with him. 

 You were so focused on his jawline that your hand worked by itself, poking his face. He smiled and made the turn into your apartment complex’s parking lot and parked. 

“While I appreciate the validation of our friendship, that’s not what I mean and you know it.” You said, very serious. 

Spencer looked over at you, nervous to answer. He swallowed and took a shaky breath. 

“Y/n, is it really important?” Spencer tried to avoid the conversation. 

He opened the door and got out, walking quickly around to your side of the car to open the door. He didn’t have to but he wanted to. It’s always what he did. 

“Yes, it’s important, Spencer. I want to know.” You bumped shoulders with him as the two of you walked to your apartment on the third floor. 

Spencer sighed. 

“Yes, I like you. A lot…” You and Spencer arrived at your door, handing you your keys. 

You just stood there, staring up at Spencer. You reached up to touch his hair. It was so soft… You wrapped your fingers around one of the curls and smiled. Spencer stood there, nose ghosting over yours. 

“Do you want to come in?” It was barely audible but it was there. 

“I shouldn’t. You’re not sober. Unless you just want to hang out.” He said, looking at his wing tip shoes. 

“Spencer, get in here. I have literally been waiting almost a whole year for you to say that.” You pulled him to you by his tie and kissed him. 

*****

It was tentative at first. It tasted like spearmint gum. Spencer wasn’t chewing any at the moment so you guessed that he had been chewing it earlier. You liked that. It was refreshing. Slowly, Spencer got more comfortable with the kiss and relaxed and got more involved. It was sweet and gentle and soft. You felt his hands in your hair and felt the gentle pull and you released an involuntary moan. You could feel Spencer smile, the two of you momentarily breaking apart. 

Breaking apart left you speechless and in a daze. It was almost like you were in a fog but your head was clear. You were more than ready to do what you had been thinking about with Spencer for the past year. Some part of you needed this release while the other part of you needed him. 

“So inside?” You said. “The apartment, I mean.” 

“Yeah.” Spencer said, just as dazed.

Getting in the door was a task by itself. You and Spencer tried to go in at the same time and it was quite awkward but he let you go in first. 

You closed the door behind you, pressing your back to the cold surface. Scanning Spencer’s face, you saw that he was staring at your lips. 

“Do you want to continue here or should we...” He asked, looking back up at your eyes. 

“You tell me. I’ll let you take control tonight.” You said, smirking. 

Spencer clenched and unclenched his jaw nervously before licking his lips. You always liked when he did that. He wore chapstick but he never did it for anything other than a sign that he was thinking. 

“I haven’t been in your apartment before.” He said, gingerly. He smiled as you took his hand, guiding him to your bedroom. 

You grabbed your cat off the bed, putting it outside the bedroom and shooing it away. The cat sauntered around to find somewhere else to sleep. 

“Are we really about to do this?” Spencer asked, looking at you on the bed. 

Laying back on the bed, half of you held up by your elbows, you marveled at Spencer. The light from your hallway illuminated his silhouette very nicely. You could see the curves of his arms and his slender frame very clearly. 

“Do you want to do it?” You said, tilting your head a little bit. 

“Yeah, a lot.” Spencer said, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. 

He had dreamed about this moment, literally, but he didn’t know he would be so nervous. He didn’t think it would ever happen. He never imagined you’d be laying in front of him like this. 

“Then drop the pants and I’ll drop to my knees,” You smirked. 

“Do you mind if we skip that part?” Spencer said not really in the mood for a blow job. 

It wasn’t that he was opposed to it, it’s just that he didn’t want to think of you like that yet. He felt like those experiences were for days where there wasn’t much time. Tonight, you had all the time in the world.

“You’re telling me you don't want my mouth on your dick?” You said, confused. 

You stood up, getting close to Spencer. You started unbuckling his belt and he audibly swallowed. He was nervous, not because of you but because he wanted this to go right. There was pressure when it came to something so intimate for the first time with someone. He felt your hands on his hips once you got his belt undone. 

“Shoes on or off?” He asked. 

“I’m taking my shoes off, obviously.” You said, already flipping them off. “Oh, you mean you. Well depends on what you want to do. You can bend me over the side of the bed, fuck me from behind, and call it a night. Or, if you want to draw it out, you can climb on top of me and fuck me in the bed. Oh, there’s also shower sex if you feel gross. Wouldn’t recommend it because it’s slippery and counterproductive to me getting wet.” You were rambling off some of the many fantasies and logistics that you’d thought about over the past year. You had thought about it a lot. 

Spencer kissed you. He just wanted you to take a breath because the more you talked about what you thought about, the more he thought about it. And the more he thought about all the ways he wanted to make love to you, the more he just wanted to get started. 

“Spencer, please pick somewhere because I’m literally struggling to keep it together.” You said in a low tone. 

“Clothes off, on the bed, legs open. I’ve got you tonight, baby.” Spencer said with a little more confidence. 

“Yes, sir.” You said, getting undressed. 

Spencer watched you but at the same time, he got dressed down to his boxers. Staring at you, he wondered how you were able to stay so calm on the outside right now. He didn’t usually have the sex drive as high as this moment. His body was on fire with desire and excitement but he was trying so hard to contain it. 

You laid down in the bed, just like Spencer told you to. He flipped on the light and you protested lightly with a groan and covered your face with both hands. 

“I want to watch you come all over me and lose complete control of your body. I can’t do that in the dark.” He said, walking over to the bed. 

“Well damn. Look at you, Spence. Actually showing some confidence. About damn time.” You said, smiling. You loved confident Spencer in all aspects of life, not just here. There was something about him that made you...want to be laid out in front of him, completely naked like you were now. 

“I honestly don’t know where I want to start…” Spencer said. Climbing onto the bed, he did the first thing that came to mind. 

“What’s your line?” He said, kissing your inner thigh, right above your knee. 

“Fuck, uh…” You never really thought of it in relation to Spencer. “Just don’t kill me.” You nervously chuckled. 

More thigh kisses. You wanted to grab your phone and put on some background music but it was just out of reach and Spencer’s arms looped through your legs and pinned your waist down to the bed. His grip was pretty firm. 

“Spence, can we…” A deep moan cut you off and slipped out your mouth when you felt his mouth finally where you wanted him. 

“Hmm?” Spencer looked up at you while his mouth went to work. The vibrations sent shockwaves up your body. 

“Holy shit. More.” You said. More was what he gave you, slipping in two fingers that matched the tempo that his mouth set. 

You were almost there, Spencer’s hair firmly in your hand and his name tumbling from your lips like a prayer, when Spencer slowed down and all together stopped. 

“I swear to god the room better be of fire.” You said, gritting your teeth. You were so, so close and he was being a tease. 

“You’re being a brat, baby. I promise I’ll give you exactly what you’re looking for.” Spencer said, looking for a towel.

“Don’t be a wuss. Kiss me.” You said, drawing his attention away from his towel search. He was nervous that you wouldn’t want to kiss him after he just went down on you. Crawling on top of you, he just stared at your features before you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, pulling him down to you. 

You hated breaking apart from kissing him, you really did. It left you in a daze, making the light seem a little too bright for your eyes. He rushed over to his satchel, digging in its contents to find the condom Morgan gave him for emergency purposes as a joke one day. Who knew it would come in handy. 

“Are you ready?” You asked Spencer. He chuckled. 

“I was just about to ask if you were ready.” Spencer went back to being a little awkward. He was nervous that he wouldn’t be able to keep up with you. 

“Spencer are you sure you don’t want me to help you out?” You asked, watching him shift as he got rid of his underwear. 

“I think I’m okay.” He said, blushing. 

“Okay well let me know if… Spencer, what the fuck?” You asked, looking down, between the two of you. “And you expect me to take all of that?” 

“Is it bad? I know I’m not like other guys but…” Spencer grew a little shy. 

“No, just work your magic because you’re different than most guys. Spence, just be confident because you are very special.” You said, hoping it helped him come back out of his shell. 

“Breathe, okay? It might be a little… Much.” Spencer said, lining himself up with you. 

“I’m fi…” You were cut off as he gently pushed into you. “Holy shit!” Was all you could breathe out while you tried to catch your breath. Much was an understatement with what you felt from Spencer just barely being inside of you.

He paused to let you adjust but it was tough. You could feel yourself stretching when he started moving a little more to help you relax. He took your leg and hitched it around his waist, making you gasp in shock. That was a completely new sensation that sped up your heart rate even faster, your head getting slightly dizzy. 

“Stay with me, darling, okay?” He whispered in your ear. 

If you weren’t all in with Spencer before, your feelings were definitely there now. 

The pace he set was slow and gentle, soft and delicate like he didn’t want to break you. It was just like you imagined it. Your hands intertwined with Spencer’s as he treated you so kindly. You felt pressure just below your stomach and it was like you couldn’t do anything but shut your eyes and let your body feel it. 

“Just keep breathing, okay? It makes it last longer.” Spencer said, trying to stay focused. His brain was going through the female anatomy but he wanted to stay focused. He opened his eyes as he continued pushing himself in and out of you. He wanted to make sure you were comfortable, taking his right hand and moving his thumb over your cheek. You looked so soft under him. 

“Faster.” You whimpered, the only thing you could manage. 

Everything felt nice, it felt comfortable. You were comfortable with Spencer. You thought it would be hotter, more dramatic when you would imagine it. You imagined him grabbing your hips and plunging himself into you until your body was exhausted and used. But that’s not how it worked. 

“Are you okay?” Spencer asked, quietly. He was going faster and a bit harder, making it very hard for you to concentrate. 

“I’m…” You couldn’t think of the answer. You couldn’t think at all right then.

“You’re doing such a good job, love. Just relax, I’ve got you.” Spencer kissed you on the forehead before shifting your leg a bit higher on his hip. That ignited something inside of you that was hard to turn off. 

Your body was on pins and needles. You felt your body shaking as you held onto Spencer’s hand. He kissed you, soft and slightly frenzied. He was chasing his own release so quickly. Everything moved so smoothly between the two of you. 

Spencer’s body rolled into yours like the ocean, and you were the beach. His waves rushed into your shore over and over, filling you with pleasure you couldn’t find on your own. He was kissing your neck, marking you with sweet mumbles of, “I’m all yours.” 

“Spence…” Another instance of being unable to think or speak clearly. 

“I know, I know. And I want you to let it go for me. Be good for me and let go, y/n. I’m right here.” He said, kissing you deeply. 

Spencer pushed into you a little sloppier, trying to stay composed but it was a challenge. He wanted to make sure you rode out your high, which you were definitely doing. Your body was shaking and you were out of it a little bit as you came down. Spencer finished in the condom and kissed you so many times that you lost count. Your cheeks, your neck, your lips, forehead, nose, lips again. 

“Spencer, that was… That was nice.” You said, opening your eyes. He was smiling over you, shaking a little bit. You weren’t sure if his arms were tired or if he felt like you did. You hoped to god that he felt like you did. It worked out so well up to this point. 

He rolled off of you, standing up to get that towel to clean you up. He saw the bathroom door cracked open so he slipped the condom off and put his star trek underwear back on as he went into the bathroom and warmed up a small towel and grabbed a big towel. 

“I got aftercare towels.” He said, walking back into the room. 

You had curled up into yourself, laying down on your side, as you fell asleep slowly. You heard him come back into the room and smiled as he cleaned you up and helped you put a t-shirt on. Putting the towels in your wastebasket, he flipped the overhead light off and came back around to the opposite side of the bed and gently nudged you to let him hold you. 

“How do you feel?” Spencer asked, nuzzling his head into the crook between your shoulder and your neck. 

He felt so warm on your back like that, holding you tight. You felt safe and secure. 

“Spence, I love you.” You mumbled, just loud enough for him to hear. 

“I love you too, y/n,” Spencer said, falling asleep himself.

________________

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@i-love-you-green

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid smut

[hxseok-honee]

peripeteia | part 20

a/n : AHHHH I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE THIS PLS LMK WHAT YOU THINK also this is the longest thing ive ever written ever im so tired it took all week so i hope its good!

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______________________________

Y/n is sitting down by the Black Lake when she feels herself becoming faint. A cold sweat breaks on her skin just as her brain starts to feel foggy, and she knows it’s time. It was normal for students to skip class and find a comfortable place to wait on their Clock Day -- Hoseok had told her that it feels a lot like a dream, one that leaves you unable to move or do much of anything until the process is complete, and it was only after a few unlucky souls had fainted in class or on the stairs that professors started allowing students to take the day off in order to ensure everyone’s safety. Of course, lots of students still had the unfortunate experience of being caught off guard in corridors or on the stairs while trying to find a safe place to sit until it passed, so Y/n had traveled in an especially hurried manner while she was coming down to the lake. Luckily she’d picked a great time to settle down because not even ten minutes had passed since she’d arrived. She had been trying not to think of Namjoon on a day like this, but she can’t help that her only thought when she starts to feel sick is that she wished he were there with her.

The cold sweat turns to extreme warmth suddenly and almost violently, and she has to steady herself by putting a hand in the grass and breathing deeply until the world stops spinning. She can tell the edges of her vision are leaving her, the impending blackout looming dangerously close. Overcome by the heat sticking to her like a thousand burning hot knives, she starts to crawl over to the edge of the lake, desperate for something to cool her skin. She makes it there, but not quite with enough time to do anything else. The last thing she sees is her own reflection in the water beneath her. The sight of her eyes clouding over completely -- reminding her not coincidentally of the murky color her divination professor’s eyes turn when overtaken by a vision -- is all that’s left before her eyesight is completely lost and she’s forced to surrender to fate’s will.

-- 

The darkness in Y/n’s mind stirs, and she’s filled with the sensation of free-falling. As she drops through space with no end in sight, a small gray dot appears from below. It grows as she approaches it, transforming into a cloud of smoke very rapidly and enveloping her completely as she passes through it. She can feel that this cloud is meant to steady her, slowing her movement until she’s no longer falling, instead floating -- where she’s headed, she has no idea, but as long as she’s no longer falling to her death, she’s happy. 

The smoke around Y/n begins to clear, and she notes that her feet are placed gently on hard ground, not far from where she’d been floating for those few moments. The rest of the smoke fades away, the last wisps of it sticking to her surroundings in order to solidify the world she’s landed in. She realizes immediately that she’s standing in the Hospital Wing, only noticing that everything around her is gray and colorless, much like a memory, as an afterthought.

Glancing around, she finds that all of the beds are unoccupied except for the last one on the left side. The curtains are drawn, and Y/n can hear Madame Pomfrey rustling around inside, the matron’s voice carrying over to Y/n. The student inside, a young male student by the sound of it, is whimpering slightly. As Y/n approaches the curtain, she notes that in between noises, he’s breathing heavily, almost sighing in pain.

“It’s alright dear, it’ll pass in no time, I swear it -- oh, there’s no use. Poor boy can’t even hear me.” Pomfrey pushes the curtain out of her way as she exits, carrying a small tub. Y/n watches her walk across the room to a sink, where she pulls a wet towel from the tub and wrings it out, dumping what looks like ice water down the drain when she’s done. Humming softly, Y/n glances back at the curtain and sees it’s been left slightly open, allowing her access to the student inside. 

When she peers in, she’s met with the sight of Namjoon -- more specifically, an 11-year-old Namjoon -- lying in the bed, looking much too small and much too ill. 

No, he’s not sick. He just looks sick.

The thought crosses Y/n’s mind when she takes him in fully -- when she takes in his eyes. Clouded over completely, staring up at the ceiling as if lost in time, Namjoon is drenched in sweat and is letting out small, periodic whimpers of pain, but he has no idea. He’s experiencing his Clock Day, and there’s no way for him to know how he looks until it’s passed. 

Approaching him slowly, Y/n tries to process the information alongside everything she’d believed about Namjoon’s soulmate experience up until this moment. If he’d always known who his soulmate was -- if he’d known since first year -- why hadn’t he said anything? Why had he let everyone believe he was only just having his Clock Day? Why was he hiding his soulmate from them? 

Standing over him, observing the emptiness in his gaze and wondering if that’s how she looked right now, somewhere outside of all of this, she can’t help but bring the back of her hand up to the side of his face -- he was just a kid. He had no idea of the man he’d become. 

The moment her fingers graze over his cheek, sticky with sweat and unbearable heat, his whimpering stops and his shoulders start to fall, all the tension in them leaving. His eyes shut slowly, and a long sigh leaves him. A chill runs down Y/n’s spine, and she feels a deep panic forming in her chest -- had she hurt him? Was she not supposed to touch him? Did she just affect something and change the future in some way? 

Just as she’s starting to truly fall into a pit of despair, Namjoon’s eyes are opening, his eyelashes flickering as he readjusts to the light of the room. His eyes are no longer clouded, but he’s still staring off into distance, trying to process what he’d just discovered. Y/n sits in the armchair beside his bed, watching intently as he blinks a few times before sighing. He looks too serious for a first year.

Hobi was right. No child should ever have to go through this.

The sound of the Hospital Wing doors slamming open shatters the moment of contemplation, prompting Namjoon to crane his neck to try to see past the curtain. Y/n finds herself doing the same. She can hear Pomfrey’s stern reminder for quiet, followed by footsteps -- only one pair, but they’re very hurried, almost a full run. The curtain flies open, and all of the breath in Y/n’s lungs leaves her in an instant.

She’s staring at herself -- a smaller, cuter version of herself. A version of herself that remembers this day with striking clarity. Hearing from Hoseok that Namjoon had felt sick that morning and gone to the Hospital Wing just as dawn had broken, 11-year-old Y/n had raced down to see him, skipping first hour, completely unconcerned with anything that wasn’t the boy lying in bed before her. 17-year-old Y/n remembers the fear that had taken her younger self, her head filled with thoughts of only Kim Namjoon, the smart but troublesome boy she’d met on the train just a few months prior. Y/n remembers the pain that had filled her that day, wanting nothing but to be next to him, and she’s hit with a sudden realization.

Whipping her gaze around to watch Namjoon, she sees that he has yet to say anything to her younger self, simply gazing at her with an unreadable expression on his face. It’s one of immense turmoil, but there’s a glimpse of something else just underneath his pain -- something that looks a lot like hope.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” Y/n’s watches the girl with her own face make her way slowly over to Namjoon, setting her bag on the ground before standing beside him. Namjoon remains silent, just watching her -- taking her in with eyes that first year Y/n had never seen before. Taking her in with eyes that she would continue to see over the years but never understand -- eyes that could only start to make sense to 17-year-old Y/n in this moment.

She watches -- the pieces of Kim Namjoon starting to fit together in her mind -- as her younger self becomes uncomfortable under her friend’s gaze and breaks it by reaching out and taking his small hand in her equally tiny one. Y/n watches -- her memories of Kim Namjoon finally forming one coherent vision in her mind -- as young Namjoon stares down at their interlocked hands, her palm sitting perfectly in his, before looking up at her, a smile lingering on the edges of his mouth.

Y/n watches as one of her most prominent memories of Namjoon takes form before her eyes, finally making sense after six years. Staring down into her lap, she tries to make sense of every other memory of him the stands out, but she realizes fairly quickly that there’s no use. Every memory of Namjoon stands out to her. Every single one. Closing her eyes, she lets out a deep sigh, her brain an endless mess of smoke and confusion. 

--

When she opens her eyes, she’s no longer in the Hospital Wing. Everything is still gray, but it’s too dark to tell exactly where she is. She can, however tell that she’s sitting on the edge of something soft -- something that reminds her of her bed. It takes a few moments for her eyes to adjust, but she’s able to see eventually that she’s sitting in a bedroom. However, it isn’t her own.

Skimming her fingers along the blanket around her, it takes no less than ten seconds to find him. Namjoon is sleeping beside her, looking much taller but not much older.

Third year. He grew a foot over summer holiday but still had the face of a kid. 

Glancing over at the bed across from her, she confirms that she has the right time when she sees a blond Hoseok -- an experiment they had all regretted participating in -- fast asleep, his mouth hanging open and his limbs all over the place. 

Returning her gaze to a 13-year-old Namjoon, Y/n notices with concern that he’s frowning deeply in his sleep, small sighs reaching her ears every few seconds. Leaning in to see him more clearly, she has to hold back a scream -- even knowing full well that he can’t see or hear her -- when his eyes open suddenly. He looks a bit shocked, but more obvious is the expression of sadness on his face. He blinks a few times before sitting up, staring down at the blanket while he thinks. Eventually, he wraps his arms around his knees and hides his face as he curls up. Y/n is overcome with a feeling of immense sadness. 

After a few minutes, Namjoon lifts his head, and it pains Y/n to no end to see that he’s been crying. He sniffles once, drying his face with his shirt, before reaching over to his bedside table for his phone. Squinting when the light of his screen tries to blind him, he opens his text thread with 13-year-old Y/n and starts to type a new message. Present Y/n peers over the top of his phone and reads the words upside down, knowing that she probably doesn’t even need to.

NJ : you okay?

Y/N : how did you know i was awake? 

NJ : you’re always awake

Y/N : okay well how did you know that im not okay

NJ : i had a bad dream

Y/N : you sound like my grandmother

NJ : got the bones of a grandmother, too 

Y/N : you do crackle a lot when you move

NJ : are you going to tell me what’s going on 

Y/N : ,,, diana’s sick,, like really sick 

Y/N : pomfrey’s trying to treat her

NJ : omw

Y/N : ???

Namjoon throws the blanket off of himself and, scooping up a sweatshirt from on top of his trunk, slides his feet into his slippers and heads out of the dorm as quietly as he can. Y/n follows, knowing exactly where he’s headed. Watching these memories from his point of view, however, is filling in all the gaps in her own, so she can’t help but be intrigued by every moment -- every step Namjoon takes, every time he speeds up a little bit as he covers the distance between himself and the Hospital Wing, every time he slows down as he’s turning corners, still careful of the prefects roaming the corridors. When he finally turns the last corner, Y/n watches as he stops in his tracks, staring down the corridor at a younger Y/n, one who’s been sobbing for hours as she paces in front of the Hospital Wing doors, one who’s already encountered three prefects who have all given her a free pass because of how distraught she is. It’s two in the morning, and Namjoon is staring down the corridor at a Y/n who’s been here since ten and hasn’t said anything to any of them. 

Sighing, Namjoon shoves his hands in the pockets of his pajama pants, making his way down to her. She notices him when he’s about halfway there, offering him a weak greeting before resuming her endless pacing. He stops right beside her, watching as his friend passes him once, twice, and then twice more. He finally puts his hand out, latching onto her arm and gripping tightly when she tries to pull away. Wordlessly, he pulls her toward him, bringing her into his arms and securing her in his hold when she finally falls into him, losing all of her strength. 

Throwing her arms around Namjoon, she cries into his neck, needing him much more than he could ever know. All he does know is that he’d been woken from his sleep, filled with an impossible sadness that made him want to run to her, wherever she would have been. He would have run to her even if she’d been in the forest, or off the grounds entirely. He’d needed to find her because he feared his chest would cave in from the amount of pain he felt when he didn’t have her next to him. He’d wanted to take all of her sorrow away, but in the process of finding her he realized that he could breathe again once he had her.

Walking them slowly over to the wall just outside of the Hospital Wing, Namjoon pulls away from Y/n just for the time it takes for them to sit down together, and then she’s back in his arms, leaning against him heavily as he whispers words of comfort to her. They stay like that until just before breakfast, when Pomfrey comes out and sees that they’ve fallen asleep, clinging to each other tightly. Unbeknownst to anyone, 17-year-old Y/n is sleeping not too far away, having drifted off while watching them talk throughout the night.

--

When she wakes, it’s still dark, but she’s sitting in a well-lit corridor. More importantly, she’s sitting across from an even older Namjoon, who’s perched on a windowsill scrolling through his phone even though it’s well past curfew. Rubbing her eyes as she stands, Y/n makes her way over to him, leaning in to see what he’s up to. There on his screen is a picture of the prefect schedule, and he keeps zooming in and out of the section with Y/n’s name on it. She chuckles, shaking her head as she takes a seat next to him and waits for whatever’s to come. 

Only a few minutes pass before footsteps can be heard echoing nearby. Namjoon perks up, putting his phone away and looking toward the end of the corridor expectantly -- Y/n can’t help but smile at how cute he is. Following his gaze, she watches as her younger self turns the corner, wand well-lit despite the castle lighting being phenomenal in this area. She’s showing off her freshly polished prefect’s badge and smiling as she does her patrol. Y/n looks at this younger version of herself and has to hold back a laugh.

Oh, to be fifteen and a total dork. 

Y/n watches as her younger self looks straight ahead, completely focused on her duties, and she’s fond of this annoying rule-follower she used to be. She remembers clearly how happy she’d been to be named prefect, and she’d wanted to do her best. So she’d polished her badge and kept her notepad ready and gone on her first patrol in a dweeby kind of excitement. Not even an hour in, she’d found Namjoon. 

“Joon? What are you doing?” Namjoon smiles, waving her over excitedly. With a cautious look on her face, she approaches her friend, who she is well aware had become a bit of a troublemaker over the years but still finds him adorable and harmless. He pulls his bag off his shoulder and starts to open it, talking as he does.

“Well, I didn’t know if patrol would be boring or lame, so I brought you a book just in case!” An enormous smile fills her face, and she laughs softly as he pulls out a stack of reading materials. “Okay, actually I brought a lot because I didn’t know what you’d like… hopefully you like books on various niche topics and magical research.” He lifts his gaze, beaming up at her as he holds out the stack of books, waiting for her to choose. Y/n puts her wand away, stepping up him and glancing through the titles. She pulls one out that has magical creatures on the cover and nods decisively as she flips through it.

“This one looks cool.” She stops leafing through the pages to watch Namjoon as he puts the rest back and begins to ramble.

“Oh, that’s a great choice! They have this awesome chapter on veelas and the genetic traits that get passed down to their children, which is super cool when you think about half-veelas or quarter-veelas or even one-eighth-veelas, which are kinda rare, but-” He cuts himself off, realizing that he’s gone on for far too long and taking a sheepish glance at Y/n. She’s smiling at him so sweetly he swears his heartbeat actually stutters for a moment, but he clears his throat and points at the book in her hand. “I should stop talking… don’t want to spoil it for you.” Y/n tucks the book under her arm, aiming her smile down at her feet as she responds.

“Thanks, Joon, I’ll make sure to tell you what I think of it when I’m done… by the way, you do realize you’re out after curfew, right?” Namjoon hums awkwardly, lifting his bag onto his shoulder as he stands.

“I’m only out if you say I am.” 

“What does that even mean?” Namjoon laughs at her confusion, reaching out and locating a piece of hair that’s fallen into her face. He runs it back until it’s tucked safely behind her ear, at that point letting his arm fall to his side and taking a couple steps back.

“You suddenly have no recollection of seeing me tonight… that book is yours now. Have a good first patrol, Y/n. I’m proud of you.” Not giving her enough time to respond, Namjoon turns on his heel and disappears down another corridor, one leading to Ravenclaw Tower. Y/n just stands there staring after him, only remembering the book in her arms when it just about falls to the ground. 

The older Y/n watches her younger self look back through the book for a bit before lifting her gaze to the spot where Namjoon disappeared, a small smile gracing her features and she starts to wander down her route for the night, almost no attention paid to anything outside of her new book. Y/n knows well that she’d return to her room that night and place it on her bedside table, picking it up every night to read just a bit more, as it was an admittedly difficult book deserving only of Ravenclaw eyes. She would eventually get through it, and then she’d read it again to really feel like she got it all. It still sits on her bedside table, always unpacked at the beginning of the year and put in its own spot next to her. 

Y/n waits as the scene fades around her, and the space fills up with new setting -- soon she’s surrounded by the castle staircases.

--

She knows this scene well -- it’s the day that she’d fallen down the stairs from Tae and Jimin’s prank. She can tell by the crowd of people that’s gathering. 6th year Y/n hasn’t made it there yet, still in a meeting with Dumbledore about prefect matters that was running a little late at the moment.

This was supposed to be the ultimate prank of the year -- and it certainly was memorable, but not entirely for that reason. Jimin had just had his Clock Day not even a week prior, and he and Tae were celebrating their newfound love the only way they knew how. The entire school knew about it, and the professors had long given up trying to stop the two Slytherin troublemakers. Someone steps up beside 7th year Y/n, busy scrolling through their phone. She looks up and is met with the sight of 6th year Namjoon, smiling down at his screen as he bombards Y/n with annoying texts, complaining that she was late. Yoongi’s standing with Jin, Jungkook, and Hoseok not even five feet away, and he calls out to Namjoon excitedly when he spots the Ravenclaw.

“Joon! Over here, over here! We got some great spots to watch the show!” Jungkook bites his lip and looks away, hiding his extremely fond smile. Jin and Hoseok make amused eye contact, and Y/n can see now by Jin’s lingering gaze and their small grins that they’d been dating for a while and that the rest of them were all just blind to their very obvious love. 

Yoongi makes his way over to the tall boy beside her, striking up a conversation about his new plant and some fun caretaking methods he’d found online the other day. Namjoon nods along, still slightly distracted as he glances around the massive crowd for his favorite person. He has his back just turned enough to not be able to see that 6th year Y/n has emerged not too far away and is searching for her friends. Y/n watches her younger self make her way along the side of the banister in their general direction, and she’s very aware of what’s to come in the next few moments. 

Jimin and Tae had bewitched the staircases to move on their command, shifting them out of their normal rotation pattern in order to lock them firmly into the sides of the walls they’re attached to, effectively creating a cavern more than 10 stories high, giving them room to set off the insane amount of fireworks they’d made all the way from the Slytherin dungeons. The fireworks were supposed to go to the very top of the castle, exploding just before they crashed into the ceiling. They were never set off. 

As Y/n was looking for her friend group, knowing they’d be somewhere close to the stair banisters, but having no idea what the plan was, she’d stepped out onto one of the staircases to get a better angle to find her friends. Since her meeting had run late, she’d missed the very aggressive announcement from Tae that no one should step onto the stairs for at least ten minutes before the show started, and the chaotic soulmates were down in the dungeons, just about to execute their plan. They never saw her. 

Y/n can’t bring herself to watch what she already has painfully etched into her memory, choosing instead to watch Namjoon converse with Yoongi in the moments before her tragic staircase accident. She’s extremely lucky she’d been watching him. 

She knows that the staircases have started moving when she hears people cheering, but she actually knows almost half a second before that. A painful, ice cold chill runs down the length of her spine -- it’s like nothing she’s ever felt before, and she’s felt the fear of falling 20 feet off of a staircase.

She realizes that the feeling is coming from Namjoon -- he’s the one feeling that ice cold pain coursing through his veins. It’s as if the world stops -- one second, he’s listening to Yoongi explain how to pick the right terrarium, and the next, he can’t hear anything at all. Y/n also can’t hear a thing -- everything’s muffled, and all she can hear is a heartbeat, thumping so loudly, so quickly that it could only belong to the girl who’s currently tumbling down a set of stairs into a free fall.

Namjoon turns, and Y/n can see that he knows exactly where her younger self is without having ever seen her. With a strength that she didn’t even know he possessed, he shoves past every person between him and the banister, literally knocking some poor Hufflepuff boy to the ground as he rushes to the stairs.

Throwing himself against the side of the wall when he gets there, Namjoon finds Y/n’s eyes almost instantly -- she’s staring up at him as she falls, still in shock at what’s happening. Y/n won’t remember until this very moment, when she’s standing in her own memory, but she’d seen Namjoon take action as she was falling. He hadn’t been quite fast enough -- she’d still hit the second set of stairs and pass out right there -- but he had managed to slow her down before she’d landed. 

Namjoon pulls his wand out of his pocket so fast that the older Y/n hadn’t even seen him do it. Pointing it straight down at her, he calls after her, a silent spell manifesting from nothing but the force of his own will -- the force of his complete and total terror that something would happen to her. It’s the first time he’d ever been able to successfully cast a silent spell, having complained for weeks that he wasn’t able to get it no matter how much he practiced. Y/n feels it all in that moment, all of the soul-shattering fear Namjoon was carrying, and she has to lean heavily on the wall to steady herself, wondering how he’d managed to push past that and cast the spell successfully.

The spell hits Y/n squarely in the chest, instantly slowing her fall. It isn’t enough to prevent her arm from breaking, and it isn’t enough to stop her from complaining for the next full week about a backache, but it is enough to soften the landing and keep her safe from something much worse. They’d been lucky, really -- the stairs she’d landed on just happened to be passing beneath her on its way to its formation. If another second had gone by, she’d still be falling into the dungeons. 

Y/n watches everything from above, and she can hear everyone jumping into action. She can hear everyone’s cheers turn into gasps of terror, and she can hear her friends all calling for her, all rushing to the nearest staircase to get down to her. She can even see down into the dungeons, where Tae is holding a firework and a flame, where Jimin is calling out to him frantically to stop. But most clearly, she can see that Namjoon is already at her side, having scaled over the top of the wall and essentially taken his chances at getting down to her as quickly as possible without falling. He’s shaking her furiously, grabbing her face and yelling for someone to alert Pomfrey when she doesn’t respond, already out cold. Jin is yelling down at Jimin and Tae, instructing them to move the staircases carefully so Namjoon can get her to the Hospital Wing. 

Namjoon holds tightly onto the side of staircase as Tae brings it around to the corridor leading straight to the Hospital Wing, gripping Y/n tightly in his other arm as they go. He doesn’t even wait for the stairs to stop moving -- as soon as they’re close enough, he’s scooping her up in his arms and running full speed into the passageway, disappearing from view completely. 

Y/n watches the rest of the room devolve into chaos -- Jimin and Tae fly up from the depths of the dungeon on Jimin’s broomstick, gesturing wildly at their friends as they all barrel down the nearest staircase together in an attempt to follow after Namjoon. Jin is pulling Hoseok along by his hand as they race to the front of the group, Jin trying to get Hoseok to his best friend as fast as possible. Yoongi is clinging to Jungkook’s side, eyes wet, and she can see him whispering mantras of positivity to himself as they go. She can see he doesn’t believe them even as he says them, and Jungkook is the one to take over and reinforce the words as they run together. Jimin is guiding himself and Tae up the cavern and back around as Tae shouts for the crowd to disperse, threatening to set the fireworks off in a dangerous way if they don’t all get lost. He looks very much like the Slytherin he is but never shows to the world. 

Everyone leaves just as Dumbledore is running into the space, commanding the attention of the two Slytherins. Jimin looks back at Tae and, knowing full well how much trouble they’d be in if they got caught, they head straight for the headmaster. Landing beside him, they don’t even give him a chance to start reprimanding them -- they both start yelling at the same time, pointing desperately in the direction of the Hospital Wing and begging him to come with them to see if he can do anything. The old wizard is so thrown by the display that all he can do is follow after them as they run to join their friends. 

Y/n watches everything from the top of the stairs. She sees everything -- all of the chaos, all of the fear -- and she thinks about the fact that she’d had absolutely no idea any of this had happened. She’d passed out and woken up a day later, in a world of pain but thankfully not seriously hurt. She’d watched her friends come and go every day, and she’d noted that Namjoon only ever left her side to eat and shower when he was sure she was sleeping. It was the only thing she knew about the entire accident, and it wasn’t even close to what actually had happened. She doesn’t even notice when the scene changes, too caught up in her own thoughts to register the smoke filling her vision and flowing into something new. 

--

The smoke clears, leaving her shrouded in trees and darkness. She’s standing at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, the moon full and bright above her. She can’t see Namjoon anywhere, so she starts heading in the direction of the castle, its silhouette visible in the distance. She’s about halfway there when she hears it.

“Namjoon likes me, Namjoon likes me!”

“How did they make you Head Girl? You’re a child!” Unable to mask her smile, Y/n hurries out past the treeline and in the direction of the voices, this memory much more recent. Just there past a grove of trees sits a cluster of rocks, outlining the edge of the lake well. Namjoon is heading over to them now, hopping carefully until he gets to a spot that he likes. Y/n can barely make out her younger self, herself from not even a few months ago, crouched by the lake, running her fingers through the water lightly. Y/n heads toward Namjoon just as her other self is yelling back to him.

“This water’s cold as fuck!” Y/n remembers the feeling that comes next, but it’s a different experience in Namjoon’s perspective. That feeling of adoration she’d felt all those weeks ago down by the lake -- the feeling that had left her wondering what her soulmate was up to at the time -- makes sense now. It makes complete sense to her, just as everything about Namjoon is finally starting to make sense. Every glance, every smile. He’d always known. He’d just been waiting for her to notice him -- he’d been waiting for her to love him.

A quiet yelp followed by a bit of rustling catches Y/n’s attention, and she’s not surprised to find Namjoon has already caught her from wiping out on the rocks and is holding her gently, just a few feet away. Feeling strangely intrusive, Y/n averts her eyes, settling down on the rocks and staring out at the lake while her younger self shares her first intimate moment with Namjoon. 

A few moments later, the sound of mumbling, followed soon by paper being slapped on skin, alerts Y/n of her own exit from an awkward moment. Turning back to the scene, she catches herself running away in the distance -- truly a humorous sight indeed -- but her attention is on Namjoon. He’s staring down at the detention slip that had been stuck to his face, chuckling slightly to himself. Y/n’s heart warms at the fondness in his expression, thankful that he hadn’t been discouraged by her behavior.

“This girl, I swear…” He starts to head back into the castle, and Y/n can tell she’s meant to follow. They make their way slowly through the castle, Y/n watching as Namjoon gets lost in his thoughts. They make it all the way up to Ravenclaw Tower, where Namjoon stops suddenly just before the entrance to his common room. He’s still lost in his thoughts, but there’s a smile spreading slowly across his face. It finally reaches his eyes, and suddenly he’s spinning around in the corridor, punching the air and literally bouncing in place as quietly as he can. 

“She almost kissed me!” Running up to the door to his common room, he completely ignores the riddle that the eagle knocker asks him.

“Did you hear what I said? She almost kissed me! Can you believe it?” The eagle knocker remains silent while Namjoon parades around in front of the door, eventually opening its mouth.

“How lovely. Please answer the question.” Halting his excited bouncing to glare at the knocker, Namjoon answers the riddle with an impatient wave of his hand. The door slides open, allowing Namjoon to rush into the common room and up the stairs to his room, Y/n following behind in a shocked daze at Namjoon’s display. Throwing the door open and barely managing to get his shoes off, Namjoon hops on top of his bed, chanting happily.

“Hobi, wake up, wake up! She almost kissed me tonight -- wake up, bitch! I’m having a moment here!” Y/n watches from the door as Hoseok rolls over in his bed and reaches for something she can’t see. Their third roommate, a kind but rather quiet boy named Roger, starts to whine loudly, begging Namjoon to quiet down. She feels bad for him -- he’s been put through a lot with them as roommates -- but she forgets about him completely when she sees Hoseok’s shoe fly across the room with shocking speed and accuracy. It hits Namjoon in the face, sending him tumbling to the ground instantly.

“Shut it, you overgrown kindergartner! If I sleep through first hour tomorrow, I’m ripping every single one of your hairs out of your head with my bare hands!” Despite the pout that forms on Namjoon’s face as he sits on the ground holding Hoseok’s shoe, Y/n can’t help but laugh at the interaction, very typical of her two Ravenclaw boys. He sits there for a few more seconds, enough time for Y/n to cross the room and take a seat on the trunk at the foot of his bed. Watching him carefully, she’s pleased to see that his frown soon becomes a smile once again as he recalls the events of that night. 

Climbing onto his bed, he reaches into his pocket for his phone, sending Y/n what she remembers to be a very sweet goodnight text. Once that’s done, he tosses the phone onto his bedside table before taking it upon himself to flop back onto his mattress dramatically, smiling dreamily up at the ceiling. The last thing Y/n sees before the smoke pulls her away is Namjoon placing a hand on his chest and scrunching up the material of his shirt -- the material that lies just above his heart -- and closing his eyes, the smile lingering on his lips. 

--

The moment the smoke places her in her next memory, Y/n realizes it isn’t a memory at all. She’s standing in a massive group of people -- her entire class. They all have smiles on their faces, and they’re all hugging one another and taking photos. But this isn’t what she notices - it’s their outfits. All the same, all identical. The cap and gown.

Graduation? But this is months away… 

Her own laughter reaches her ears, and it doesn’t take much longer to find herself. She -- her older self? -- is standing with the rest of their friends, laughing as Diana tries to chew on Jungkook’s dress pants. Only five of them are wearing gowns, the Slytherins and Jungkook still stuck at Hogwarts for another year. Hoseok is taking photos of Jin, who looks like he’s suffering not only from the heat, but also from his boyfriend’s scrutiny. 

“Come on, Jin! Just one smile for the camera, and I will let this go -- my mom wants a photo!” 

“Why does it have to be of just me? She’s your mom!” 

“Because she says you’re the most handsome person she’s ever seen, and I completely agree.” Jin waves Hoseok off, unwilling to take the photo. That is, until he makes eye contact with Yoongi, who’s standing just a little ways away. At the sight of his roommate pulling a mini magical cactus from within his robe and brandishing it at Jin menacingly, Jin turns to Hoseok with a wide smile.

“I love photos, let’s take ten!” Confused but pleasantly surprised, Hoseok lets Jin lead him off toward the lake for their photoshoot. Y/n starts to laugh uncontrollably as she watches Yoongi tuck the cactus back into his robes innocently, and it unnerves her to see that her older self has also witnessed the exchange and is laughing alongside her. 

Turning back to the larger friend group, almost desperate to avoid another coincidence with herself, she finds Namjoon bent at Jungkook’s feet, trying to keep his cap on his head as he wrestles Diana from Jungkook’s leg. Jungkook is crying out in pain at the claws that have been buried in his ankle -- no one sees that Jimin and Tae are enjoying the show immensely, even going so far as to start recording the entire thing.

When he finally manages to remove the cat from the poor Gryffindor’s limb, Namjoon stands and turns to Y/n, narrowly avoiding a claw to his face in the process. 

“Please tell your demon cat that scratching people’s ankles off is rude as fuck.” Y/n laughs, reaching for Diana and cooing at her once she’s safely in Y/n’s arms.

“It’s not her fault Jungkook is such a thicc boy and attracts the attention of anything that wants a bite -- isn’t that right, Diana?” Diana curls up and purrs in response, sending everyone into a fit of laughter and comments about Jungkook’s thiccness as the Gryffindor scowls at the cat. The younger Y/n almost joins their laughter, but something catches her eye before she has time to look away from her older self.

Just there on her left hand -- the same hand that is cradling Diana -- sits a ring, one she’d never seen before. Ignoring the discomfort of being so close to a version of herself that didn’t exist yet, she approaches the girl in front of her, taking the ring in fully. A small diamond is nested in the band of it, shining brightly despite its size. She can’t stop herself from looking up at Namjoon, who stands beside her older self. He’s staring down at her, the smile on his face one of humor from the current situation, but also one of love and adoration, known only to them. 

Y/n watches the moment and knows she’s the only one who can see it, despite being the only one who isn’t physically there. She can see how much Namjoon loves her and how happy he is to be able to show it. As the scene fades, she can’t help but wonder if what she’s seeing is really the future -- the image of a Namjoon who hasn’t acknowledged her in weeks comes back to her, only serving to bring pain into her heart. She doesn’t bother to try to see where the smoke is taking her.

--

She’s staring down at a wooden floor, in a house she doesn’t recognize. Lifting her gaze and glancing around, however, she finds that it’s quite a nice home. The smoke had left her standing in the middle of the kitchen, and she can’t help but run her fingers along the counter top as she makes her way through the room. It’s spotless, but it looks lived in. 

Comfortable. Beautiful. 

Passing under an archway that opens into the main room, she can see stairs leading up to the second floor, the front door just past them. Taking in everything as she moves through the room -- the sofa draped in various warm blankets, the tattered book sitting open on the coffee table, the array of house plants sitting on the windowsill -- she can’t help but feel like this home is perfect for her. Just as she makes it to the stairs and is putting a foot on the first step, the sound of rustling in a room off to the right calls her attention. 

Approaching the room, she peeks her head around the doorway and finds herself looking into an office, lit with the warmth of a fireplace crackling softly in the corner. She doesn’t even see the person sitting at the desk until they lift their head, clearly awakening from an unexpected nap.

Namjoon stretches in his seat, arms reaching high above his head as he lets out a tired groan. He looks older, maybe by 4 or 5 years. There’s a stack of files next to where he’d been napping on the desk, and there’s a smear of ink across his right cheek from his quill. Looking around his immediate area, he swears softly under his breath.

“Where did I put them?” He’s just about to stick his head under the desk to search for his missing item when a quiet meow rings through the room. Y/n looks down just in time to see a very familiar cat entering the room, a pair of round specs dangling from her mouth. She hops up onto the desk once she reaches it, taking a seat on top of whatever Namjoon had been working on before dropping his glasses into his outstretched hand. With a fond smile, he places the glasses on his face before scratching the back of the cat’s ear.

“Thanks, Diana. I knew you’d like me one day.” Y/n watches the exchange, filled with a mixture of disbelief and joy. Never once in the seven years she’d known Namjoon had Diana expressed anything other than complete disdain for the Ravenclaw, and yet here it seems they’ve been friends for ages. 

The front door opens behind her, followed by the soft call of a voice that sounds much like hers but more mature.

“I’m home! Joon?” She watches Namjoon smile as he peers through her into the other room. 

“In here!” An older Y/n -- 4 or 5 years older -- steps up beside her younger, shocked self in the doorway. She’s wearing business attire, and she’s carrying a bag of takeaway, which she holds up for Namjoon to see. She looks poised, impressive -- but she still looks like herself. She doesn’t look like a stuck-up adult. She just looks… older.

She looks pretty freaking cool.

“I saw you still had a lot of assignments to grade when I was leaving this morning, so I got your favorite.” Namjoon cheers, moving to stand from his seat but taking the time to point cutely at Diana, still seated peacefully on his work. 

“Diana brought me my glasses! I think she finally likes me.” He looks very proud of this fact, even reaching out to pet her one last time. She swipes at his hand in anger, scratching his palm slightly. They glare at each other for a moment before Namjoon gets up, shaking his head. “One day she’ll love me.” 

“Namjoon, we’ve been married for five years and she only just today did one nice thing for you. You’ve still got a way to go with her.” Rolling his eyes, he approaches Y/n and leans forward, planting a kiss on her lips. Younger Y/n has to look away, slightly shaken by the unexpected display. Only when he’s pulled away does she feel comfortable enough to look again, attributing the warmth in her face the fireplace not too far away.

“How was work?” Y/n sighs, reaching out with her free hand to wipe at the ink on his face, giving away that he’d been napping just before she arrived.

“It was fine. The Minister’s been on us to meet fiscal year deadlines as if we’re not drowning in his debt. I’m just happy to be home.” The tired look in her eyes fades once she starts smiling up at Namjoon, who’s taken her free hand in his own and started leaning against the door frame while he was listening to her. It puts him in the perfect position to bring his lips to the top of her head in a comforting kiss, which only serves to widen her smile. 

“Well, Mrs. Kim, you are doing a fine job over there at the Ministry. Meanwhile, I was so confused about the fact that one of my students doesn’t know the difference between transformation and switching that I took a stress nap instead of writing feedback for him.” He laughs lightly when Y/n puts her index finger against his forehead and pushes him away from her. Diana following closely behind, she heads into the kitchen, calling back to him.

“Not everyone is good at transfiguration, Joon -- remember how I was? I would have failed my N.E.W.T without you.” 

“Yeah, well, maybe if we’d done more studying instead of messing around that night you would have gotten a better score.” Younger Y/n blushes deeply, barely managing to follow behind Namjoon as he heads into the kitchen as well. 

“I passed, didn’t I? And if I remember correctly, I’m the one that actually wanted to study -- you just got bored because you’re a know-it-all.” He barks out a laugh.

“Guilty as charged, but can you blame me? I waited seven years for you to love me, I was obsessed with you once we started dating… I still kind of am obsessed with you.” Younger Y/n watches Namjoon corner her older self between two counter tops, smiling cheekily down at her and laughing when she pushes lightly against his chest. Taking her in his arms, he suddenly becomes serious, his smile dropping. 

“Y/n?” Both of the women in question keep their eyes on Namjoon, entranced by him, just as it had always been -- entranced by his presence from the moment he’d come into her life. 

“Thank you for loving me.”

Y/n can feel herself reaching out to him, disregarding the futility in it, but she doesn’t get the chance to call out to him. The smoke has started to fill her vision -- but it doesn’t transform the room smoothly. This time, something takes hold of the back of her belt, latching onto her and yanking her upwards, out of the smoke entirely. Muffling her scream with her hand, she watches the cloud of smoke shrink below her until it becomes the spec of grey she’d seen when this all started. She screws her eyes shut, dizzy from the climb -- confused beyond belief but finding her resolve in the truth.

-- 

When Y/n opens her eyes, she’s staring at the lake, and it’s gotten much darker. She’s also much farther away from the lake than she remembers being when she first fainted -- she can see more of the shoreline, and she’s fairly certain she’s under a tree. Trying to scan her surroundings, she tilts her head up before coming to a stop, registering that there’s something very soft underneath her cheek.

“You’re awake.” The voice, although familiar and comforting, is a shock all the same, so she jumps in surprise, turning her head to locate it. She finds herself staring up into Namjoon’s eyes, and she realizes belatedly that the soft thing under her is his leg. Lifting herself off of him with her elbow, she takes the time to glance around -- there’s no need to examine the grounds, of course. She just isn’t prepared to face Namjoon. 

“How did you know where I was?” She says this while glancing around herself still, adjusting her positioning until she’s leaning back against the tree. Namjoon shifts next to her, bringing his knees up to his chest and resting his chin while he stares out at the lake.

“I could feel that it was starting… and I just knew where to find you.” Y/n nods, deciding to just be satisfied with his response instead of questioning the mechanics of it. They sit in silence for a few minutes, simply staring out at the lake together as the sun begins to set. She can feel that Namjoon’s waiting for her to say something, so, gathering her courage, she turns to him, holding her tongue until he’s met her eyes, which he does after a brief pause. 

“You knew this entire time?” Namjoon looks away quickly, unable to face her. He nods once, and she takes this as her signal to continue, her frustrations with him over the past few weeks boiling to the surface. “Then why have you been avoiding me? What’s been going on with you?” Groaning deeply, he leans back against the tree, his limbs dropping into a sort of sprawled position beside her. His eyes are shut, brow furrowed. He looks conflicted. 

“I was an idiot --”

“That’s a massive understatement.” His eyes find hers, and he turns fully to face her, his expression earnest and a bit desperate.

“I freaked out, Y/n. When Hobi said it wasn’t guaranteed that we’d end up together, my entire world fell apart. I had always assumed we’d be together and that I just had to wait for you to find out it was me -- I thought it was enough that I loved you. But then he started talking about free will and people without soulmates and losing the emotional connection and -- I lost it, okay? I lost it. Everything I’d believed about us for the last seven years was ripped apart… but I was an asshole.” 

“Yeah. You were.” His eyes drift down until he’s staring at the ground, clearly humbled and apologetic. “But… I understand --” When he whips his head up to look at her, his eyes appear to have become hopeful. “I mean, what you did was fucked up, the boys are really upset--” His head dips again, his frown deepening. “But I understand why you freaked out. I just… wish you had handled it better.” They sit in silence together, Y/n staring down at the top of Namjoon’s head while he waits beside her, looking not unlike a scolded child.

“Did you think I would be mad once I found out you’d known all this time about us?” He glances up at her briefly before returning his gaze to lap, where he finds great interest in picking at his fingernails. Slowly, and only after a small sigh, he nods, still refusing to meet her eyes.

“Even after everything we’ve been through -- all of the flirting and the deep talks and late nights together?” Another nod. “Do you realize how stupid that is?” He stops fidgeting, choosing instead to examine the ground extensively while he thinks. Finally, he nods, pulling his head up to look into her eyes before nodding again, gaze solemn. 

“I know. I’m really sorry. You have no idea how painful it was to know I’d hurt you… I just thought that if you really were going to choose someone else -- or at the very least if you were going to be disappointed in me being your soulmate -- I… just thought I should distance myself beforehand… But I hated every second of it, and I wish I could take it all back... I’m sorry.” He looks like he’s going to continue, but Y/n stops him. Reaching out, she takes one of his hands in hers, intertwining their fingers while nodding.

“Okay. I forgive you -- it’s going to be hard for me to trust you fully again, but I forgive you.” She squeezes his hand, and for the first time since waking up, she smiles at him. Taking her in, Namjoon can’t help but feel overwhelmed with affection, and he knows she can feel it when she starts to snicker at him. Nudging her playfully, he turns back to the lake, sitting beside her as they lean against the tree. Their hands lie clasped in her lap, a slight zap of electricity running through their palms every few seconds. The feeling is new but warm, one of completeness.

“So… what was your Clock Day like?” She doesn’t bother turning to look at him when she asks, knowing he’ll just keep staring out at the water while he ponders.

“It was… a lot to handle as a first year.” She nods, remembering Hobi’s words once again. “There weren’t very many memories, actually. It was mostly visions of the future. We hadn’t known each other that long -- how could I have anything substantial to remember yet? Actually… do you remember coming to visit me in the Hospital Wing?” 

“Yeah, of course. That was my first memory.” He hums, thinking about that day a little longer. 

“I knew you would be coming. It was the first vision that the smoke showed me.” She smiles fondly at that term -- “the smoke” -- because she knew there was no other way to talk about it. The inner workings of fate and magic were too advanced for any one person to understand and talk about eloquently. “It showed me that you were on your way -- when you showed up, I thought ‘Ah, so my future really has been decided’. But then… things kept changing.” Y/n looks up at him, taking in the expression on his face. He looks lost, confused about the truth -- but there’s something resigned about it, as if he’d accepted that the world was much different than he thought.

“What changed?” He looks down at her before dropping his eyes to their intertwined hands.

“The way I’d seen my future wasn’t the way it always turned out. Eventually I figured out at that the visions the smoke shows you aren’t set in stone -- they’re more potentialities than fact. There was something about the way our reality developed that changed things along the way -- sometimes they were just small details, but sometimes entire events were different… like your accident.” With a furrowed brow and concerned interest, Y/n leans in, urging Namjoon silently to continue. He does so only after a sigh.

“You weren’t supposed to become a prefect. In my visions, we were just normal kids who got into equal amounts of trouble and made it through school without anything remarkable happening. But you were always a high achiever, so when you were made prefect, I was surprised, but happy for you all the same… except… if you hadn’t become a prefect, you wouldn’t have been late to the fireworks show. We would have gone together, and you would have heard the announcement about the stairs because you wouldn’t have been in a meeting that had run late. I wasn’t prepared for you to fall because that wasn’t the reality I had seen… I had no idea that day was going to happen.” 

They sit in silence, staring out at the lake together as the words settle in the air above them. It weighs down on them -- the complications of fate and reality, the power of free will in a world ruled by destiny. Things never turn out quite like they’re supposed to, and Y/n can only guess how unimaginably terrifying that would be for someone who’d relied on fate for so long. 

“That’s why you were scared I wouldn’t want to be with you -- you were already nervous that things had turned out differently up to this point, so hearing that not even our future is guaranteed tipped you over the edge.” She can see him nodding out of the corner of her eye, and she finally feels like she understands. “Well, even if you have acted like an idiot for the last few weeks, I still want to be with you. I think I always have.” Namjoon squeezes her hand tightly, a breath of relief leaving him -- one that, frankly, she had no idea he’d been holding. 

“Well that’s good because I already picked out the necklace I was going to give you at graduation, and it would just be plain awkward to return it.” She turns to him in confusion.

“Necklace? In my vision it was an engagement ring… to be honest, I’m not ready to get married yet.” Namjoon looks at her, eyes shining with mirth.

“That’s also good to hear… I don’t have the money to buy you a ring yet.” She pushes him away, laughter ringing through the air. The word “yet” doesn’t go unnoticed, however, and she tries to hide her face from him as redness creeps up her cheeks. If he catches her blush, he doesn’t say anything about it, instead choosing to move onto a different subject. 

“Did you… have a vision about us a few years from now? Living together in a really nice house? I think I was taking a nap?” Y/n smiles and closes her eyes, finding herself leaning against Namjoon as she reminisces on the vision.

“Yeah, you were grading Transfiguration homework, and I was getting home from work… I worked for the Ministry.” He hums, wrapping an arm around her as he reflects on her words.

“In mine you worked at St. Mungo’s -- you were a healer.” There’s a pause, and then he chuckles under his breath. “I think I like you as a healer better. ‘Healer Y/n’ has a sexy ring to it.” With a scoff that sounds a lot more like a laugh than she’d care to admit, Y/n is pushing herself off of him and rising to her feet, leaving him behind as she heads down to the lake. Namjoon’s hand around her wrist a few moments later, pulling her back into his chest, has her laughing openly. Her hands find his waist, where she anchors herself and clings to him, reveling in the fact that she can do this kind of thing now. 

They stand there for a while, watching the sun set over the horizon, thinking about their lives up until that point. When the last of the light disappears below the water, Y/n takes a deep breath and lifts her head from Namjoon’s chest to look up at him. Feeling that she’s moved, he glances down at her, realizing only when their noses touch just how close they are. 

In a rush of courage that can only be the mark of a Gryffindor, Y/n pushes up on her tippy toes, pressing her lips to his as gently as possible. She isn’t ready for the way the world seems to stop all around her -- she isn’t ready for the way her heart stops, a flame finding its spark within the cavern of her chest. It spreads like wildfire to the rest of her body, getting stronger the longer she kisses him. It burns through her and attracts her to him like an addiction all the same. The love she feels for him in that moment -- coupled with the force of Namjoon reciprocating the emotions, completely in time with her -- is enough to set her skin alight, tearing through every nerve in her body. 

Only when it’s too much -- when she feels like she’s going to explode with this burning energy -- does she pull away, breathing embarrassingly hard. She can’t even tell that he’s having the same difficulties as her, having also just experienced the pure collision of forces that had knocked the wind out of her. He barely has time to register that she’s leaning her head against his chest and is whispering something to him in her surge of emotion. What he hears has him lifting her face with his hands as he yearns for another kiss, seven years overdue. 

“Thank you, Namjoon… Thank you for waiting for me.”

#bts texts #bts au #bts smau #bts social media au #bts soulmate au #bts hogwarts au #kim namjoon #namjoon x reader #namjoon texts #namjoon au

[andorwhore]

Saudade - IV of VII

Chapter IV of VII: Care

summary: A year in the life of a rebel with a cause and a rebel in search of one… chapter four: Lose has a tendency to bring people close, and that can be daunting.

author’s note: Who hasn’t updated since October? I guess it’s me, the resident asshole author. I took a very long and unexpected break from writing due to school and work, and I still haven’t written any new content unfortunately. But I thought it would be a shame to let this complete chapter sit around unpublished. So, I’m hoping that this will motivate me to finish up this story (and potentially add that new chapter I’ve been considering). And if I never get around to wrapping this fic up, at the very least this is the perfect chapter to leave it on.

pairing: Cassian Andor x OC word count: 11,465 (longest one yet babey) rating: T, eventual R warnings: is ~*~intimacy~*~ something that requires a warning lol

chapter one || chapter two || chapter three || chapter four

[ff.net] [ao3]

taglist: @justanotherblonde23​

The Festival of Stars was a celebration Jai was quite familiar with, or at least as familiar as the average person could be. She didn't know the exact origin of the festival week, though she knew it had something to do with interstellar space travel; what she did know with certainty is that every year, the Ring of Kafrene became overloaded with travelers during the holiday, en route to destinations all across the galaxy. On Kafrene, the people took to celebrating it as well, though as Jai got older she realized it was a means of ripping off all the gullible tourists that made pit stops on the colony. Residents of Kafrene were smart to jump on the opportunity, Jai's friends and family included, and ironically enough, because of the locals' investment in playing travelers for fools, the festival in its own way became a part of what little culture Kafrene had.

Jai hadn't expected to hear anything about the festival on Yavin 4. Hell, she all but forgot about the holiday week, the last six months of her life having been all consumed by Alliance business. She first heard someone mention the Festival of Stars just as they were heading back to the base after a mission to a planet called Naator (this being yet another world Jai had no prior knowledge of). She was brought along on the mission as tech support, though Jai was fairly certain she wouldn't be needed.

She had ended up spending a whole day on Naator just sitting in the ship and waiting for her team to return. The most thrilling thing that happened to Jai was when some local animal spooked her as she did an engine check in the morning, and she nearly fried the creature with her blaster. Her team returned successful, and they were off of the planet just as quickly as they had arrived.

As they started on their few hours journey to return back to Yavin 4, one of the team members reminded everyone that the holiday was going on that week, and that they should make a pit stop to pick up a few things to celebrate. Jai listened with intrigue as the group excitedly discussed the festivity, curious to hear about it from the perspective of those that didn't grow up trying to find ways to profit off of the holiday.

Apparently, quite a number of the rebels celebrated it every year, along with the other two Fete Weeks. Jai, of course, didn't know about these other weeks - they had their own dumb holidays back on the Ring of Kafrene, and the Festival of Stars was the only one she knew of that was celebrated in all corners of the galaxy. Rebels, no matter what planet they came from, all seemed to love the holiday, saw it as an opportunity to relax and forget their responsibilities for a while.

Although the festival was traditionally celebrated over the course of five days, the Rebellion only had two evenings unofficially dedicated to it - after all, it wouldn't be very practical if they spent an entire week partying. The "unofficial" part, someone explained to Jai, was because the council of superiors didn't recognize it as any kind of reprieve from work - they were happy to allow their rebels to celebrate, and even happy to take part in the festivities if time allowed, but the Festival of Stars wasn't something marked on everyone's calendars as time off. In the Rebellion, there was no such thing as time off. If someone was lucky enough to have one of the two evenings free, then they were welcome to join in the party.

Jai's team were all planning to attend once they got back to Yavin 4, encouraging the slicer to join them - and Jai was never one to turn down a party.

The Naator mission team ended up going a little crazy during their pit stop on one of the planets in the nearest trading belt - apparently, Jai observed, the Festival of Stars was more like the Festival of Drinking among the rebels. They grabbed everything from spicebrew to malts to drinks that Jai had never even heard of; and, of course, she made sure they grabbed as much Merenzane Gold as they could manage. Jai could only wonder just how much alcohol there would be at base once the other rebels returned from their missions as well, all surely having the same idea as her team.

By the time they returned to Yavin 4, evening was slowly closing in, and the hangar seemed far more crowded than usual - it would seem the partying was far too big for the confines of the mess hall, as the rebels took to setting up out here instead. The Naator team was already buzzing with impatience as the gunship settled on the tarmac, everyone waiting to jump out and join the party that had just begun over on the west side of the hangar. Everyone grabbed up the boxes of alcohol scattered across the ship - Jai made sure she grabbed at least one of the crates of Merenzane.

As she stepped off of the ship, Jai felt a warmth swelling in her chest, hearing her teammates chattering excitedly and the carefree voices of their fellow rebels drifting towards them from the west side. Back home, Jai and her brothers loved the Festival of Stars, and they almost always managed to convince Tillian and Vinis to let them run off amongst the crowds each evening rather than have them work at Vinis' shop in the market (or have them take advantage of the tourists' guards being down). When the three of them were out together, watching the performances other locals put on, hearing the excited chatter of people on the streets, climbing up on rooftops to watch the crowd with interest and awe, they were unstoppable. They always ended those evenings on the roof of their home, staying up into the wee hours of the mornings to watch all of the excitement - up there, they felt as if they were on top of the entire world.

Those were simpler times, before Tillian passed, before Jai's brother ran off with some unscrupulous stranger, when they were still young and hopeful and without a care in the world. Jai missed those days and missed what her family used to be. The holiday didn't feel the same after they lost Tillian, and by the time her brother left, the festival was practically nonexistent to her - they could never go back to the dream of their childhood, and Jai had come to accept that. But as she walked through the hangar with her excited teammates, each with a bit of a skip in their steps, Jai felt as if this could start a new festival tradition for her, one that, though not the same as that of her past, would be just as good. This was the next chapter of her life, and with the next chapter came new things to love and be excited about.

Another half a dozen or so ships had pulled into the hangar after the Naator team, all landing on the opposite end of the hangar from where the enlivened rebels were setting up drinks and tables. Jai was about halfway to her destination when she looked back towards the new ships, but they were too far off for her to immediately identify any of them. Beside her, the team leader, Kinall, asked Jai if she felt steady enough to take another box of alcohol on top of the one she already had - Kinall had to head up to Command to report to her superior about the mission. Jai gave a histrionic sigh, but agreed to take the second crate, readjusting her grip on the box of Merenzane Gold before Kinall set the second box atop it. The captain spun around to head towards the turbolift, Jai watching her walk off while she ensured her grip was steady before continuing towards the party.

"I think you have a drinking problem." a voice teased noncommittally from somewhere behind Jai, causing a smile to pull across her face as she rolled her eyes. Turning around carefully so as not to drop anything, she spotted Cassian and K-2SO approaching her, looking as if they, too, had just returned from a mission. Cassian had a teasing smirk on his lips, and yet the expression didn't even remotely reach his eyes; and, though Kay was expressionless, he still somehow seemed eternally judgmental.

"My only drinking problem is that I haven't had enough yet to deal with you." Jai retorted, looking past Cassian at all the other rebels that had come back from their various missions, wondering briefly if Cassian had gone with a team or if his job had been solo.

Nearly everyone returned with something in hand, most of which Jai was sure had to be booze, though unsurprisingly, Cassian was empty handed.

For another moment, Jai watched the other rebels as most of them walked in her direction, though she noted the few that quickly made their way for the turbolift instead, heads down and expressions distraught. Must have been a sour mission that dampened their mood.

Jai looked between Cassian and the two crates she carried as they began to feel even heavier, "Help a girl out, would you?"

Cassian glanced with disinterest at the boxes in her arms, though Jai could now recognize the waggish glint on his face that, once again, didn't quite seem to reach his eyes, "You look like you've got a handle on it."

She gave him a small glare before turning her eyes up towards K-2SO, but before Jai could say anything, the droid spoke, "Don't assume I'll help you with it."

Jai scoffed, "Such gentlemen…"

She and Cassian met eyes again as he gave a tired, agreeing grin, stepping up to take the top box from her, Jai's arms immediately feeling relieved at the lightened load. As she turned back around for them to head toward the tables, she eyed Cassian curiously, noticing that his posture seemed exhausted and his face worn.

"What, didn't bring anything for the party?" The man looked back at her, his expression a little less amused than before. His lips seemed to press tightly together for a slight second. There was something on his mind, that much Jai could discern, but she was certain that Cassian would avoid mentioning it.

"I have no interest in parties."

Jai shouldn't have been at all surprised by the answer. Of course Cassian wasn't the party going type - he preferred his brooding to having a good time. Ever since their night of drinking two months back, Jai hadn't been able to get him to do so since. Sure, Cassian had a drink here or there that she knew of, but the two haven't since sat down and dedicated a couple of hours to simply drinking and chatting as freely and carelessly as they had back then. That evening caused a shift in their relationship, even if by this point they couldn't exactly remember all of that night.

They were friends now, even if Cassian refused to ever say so out loud. That didn't mean they saw each other everyday nor did they have the chances to make great efforts to spend time together, however, they could both feel it in the way they talked, the way they seemed to feel more at ease with one another, the way they simply seemed to fit together.

Jai had somehow convinced Cassian to spend meals with her and her other friends in the mess hall on a few rare occasions, and when she wasn't busy with something Jai wandered her way to Cassian's ship or up to the control room to take some time to chat with him if she knew he was around base. Neither had been back to the other's dorm, however - that evening months ago was a strange exception, and without saying so they both had a feeling that the next time that happened, it'd be very different from that time before.

Jai liked Cassian - most of the time, she was pretty sure she knew it was just as a friend, but every now and again she caught herself looking at him a certain way, looking at him with a warmth in her chest that she didn't feel often enough to be able to surely identify it. It didn't linger all too often, but when it did it wasn't easy to ignore; Jai could tell herself it was the kind of warmth one felt for a friend, but then she'd catch herself admiring him too closely or getting lost somewhere in her head if someone mentioned his name, and she knew there was no way this warmth was simply one of friendship.

It wasn't a crush - that word certainly felt too juvenile to describe whatever this was. Jai simply saw it as the part of her that got caught up in the "what ifs" - what if we met in a different way in a different place, what if we weren't in this rebellion, what if he wasn't so guarded and distant? The "what ifs" were casual and non committal - they weren't real wants or desires, Jai told herself. They were simple considerations that passed through her mind as if they were foolish impulses, like those pesky voices that asked "what if you just shocked yourself with one of your tools to see what would happen" or "what if you went and jumped out of a ship without taking any precautions?"

And this was a ship that Jai had no intention of jumping out of - it was better if it all just stayed up in her head. She didn't dare let herself wonder if Cassian ever had those random intrusive thoughts - he struck her as the kind of guy who simply didn't have the time for intrusive thoughts. Even when he wasn't busy, his mind was at work, and there was no room for useless thinking as far as she could tell.

So, the fact that Cassian didn't do parties was something Jai could have guessed about him - just like useless thoughts, Cassian didn't seem to have time for useless events either. Though, it was still disappointing to hear from him, because Jai saw Cassian as someone that was in desperate need of some lighthearted fun every now and again.

Jai hummed as they set the crates atop a table full of alcohol of all varieties, other rebels already swarming to grab some for themselves, "That's a shame, I really could use someone to help me drink all this Merenzane."

As she grinned at Cassian, Jai snagged a bottle of her favorite drink before they could all disappear. Cassian glanced at the bottle before his eyes flicked back up to meet Jai's for a moment with a raised brow; he looked behind himself at Kay as if he could get Cassian out of this party, but the damned droid had already retreated with disinterest.

"You'll have to find another drinking partner, Jai." He replied plainly… no, it wasn't plain, he sounded exhausted; he knew, though, that the woman almost surely wasn't going to accept his answer. Jai was persistent when she wanted to be, and something about Cassian always seemed to make her more tenacious than she usually was. Cassian discovered that, apparently, after making some passing comment to someone about Jai's persistence, she was never so stubborn with others, as his comment surprised the rebel he was talking to. She must have reserved all of that tiresome stubbornness for him and him alone. Upon discovering that, Cassian repeatedly had to stop himself from overthinking what that meant.

Cassian could tell from the look in Jai's eyes that she was about to attempt to persuade him to stay for a little while, and he could also see that she was hoping that she'd succeed. Giving her his own resolute look, Cassian turned his shoulder and started walking out of the crowd of other rebels.

"You know you can relax every now and again." Jai's voice chimed up from right alongside him; she sounded caring, as if she wasn't simply asking for his company, but asking for him to be at ease for once, "Maybe a party would be good for you."

"I think not." He glanced down at her. His tone nor his expression were either harsh or dismissive, but that weariness Jai spotted earlier seemed almost more present in his eyes, "I have to go debrief with Draven."

Jai couldn't argue with that particular point, knowing it to be true, though she was sure a debriefing couldn't take up much of his time. She sighed a little through her nose as she looked down at the Merenzane she was carrying. Something seemed to be bothering Cassian, or maybe this last mission was just so draining that he couldn't commit himself to socializing.

"Come back down for one drink?" She tried one final time, seeing the consideration on Cassian's face when she looked back toward him.

A part of Cassian wanted to say yes. Despite how awful he felt, and despite his complete lack of interest in the Festival of Stars, a part of him wanted to agree to a drink with some good company. He began to consider that maybe a drink is exactly what his drained heart needed right now, what his weathered mind could use. Though he wasn't keen on joining a pointless party, Cassian felt some kind of pull towards spending time with Jai, especially given the way she looked at him with such hopefulness. Whether that be because he was fond of her or because he knew he had something important to say to her, he wasn't sure.

After all these months, Jai had become a friend, though her tactics were relatively new ones to him - any time she was told "Cassian doesn't do this" or "Cassian doesn't like that," she blatantly did whatever those things were to challenge them, to test them and see if they were true or if simply no one else dared to try to get any closer to him.

Cassian would have expected himself to become annoyed by Jai's persistence, but despite himself he found that he respected it, found that he even came to genuinely like it - because he kept so many people at arm's length, he was refreshed by Jai's resolve to get to know him, to be his friend and to see him open up. Sure, Jai's disregard for his space could occasionally be a pain in his ass, but more often than not it turned out to be exactly what Cassian needed in a companion, in a friend, in… well, he didn't want to consider what she could be beyond a friend.

Jai raised one brow as a grin spread across her lips - Cassian's silent consideration was a promising reaction, she had come to learn. The silence meant he was interested in her offer, at least to some degree, he just simply didn't want to admit so. As he recognized the look on Jai's face, Cassian sighed with an indignant roll of his eyes.

He lifted his index finger between them for emphasis, "One drink."

Jai's smile grew wider as she motioned with her head towards the turbolift, hoping her smile would help lift some of that obvious stress off of his shoulders, "Go take care of your debriefing, captain."

The trace of a sad smile pulled at Cassian's face as he turned away from the woman to make his retreat. Jai watched him go with a content expression, eyeing her friend closely until finally the doors of the lift closed, only catching at the very last second that there appeared to be some kind of a sadness in his eyes.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Jai had a feeling Cassian was going to flake on her.

Captain Kinall from Jai's mission already returned to the hangar, and the woman had gone up to command only a few minutes before Cassian. She'd been back long enough to finish one drink, and Jai found herself wondering if Cassian's debriefing had run over, or if he changed his mind and went back to his dorm without telling her.

She shouldn't be upset at him. It felt childish, this anxiety that bubbled in Jai's chest as she considered why Cassian didn't show. If he didn't want to join her for a drink, then so be it - she shouldn't let herself get upset over that, it was far too out of character.

But a small, nagging part of Jai was, at the very least, disappointed - despite how uneventful their conversations could be sometimes, she nonetheless was looking forward to getting some time with Cassian tonight. She always looked forward to even the briefest of minutes she got to see him.

Jai sat at one of the tables dragged out for the party, Abe and Miona across from her, and beside her another doctor named Pek. For what felt like the hundredth time, Miona was encouraging Abe to talk to another rebel that he fancied, and Pek was telling Miona and Jai to stop pestering him about it.

Of all the twi'leks Jai had met through the years, Abe was by far the most peculiar - the twi'leks back on Kafrene always seemed bold, fearless, and without any hesitation, but Abe was constantly getting caught up in his own head, always questioning and calculating everything before coming to any decision. It's what Jai found charming about him; the fact that he shared that quality with her younger brother is what drew her to Abe in the first place.

"Jai," Miona's voice stressed, drawing her friend from her daze - stupidly, Jai had been staring at the turbolift and once more got caught up wondering where Cassian was. Jai quickly collected herself, looking around the table, "Tell Abe he just needs to go talk to Chiri."

Jai could see Pek and Abe both roll their eyes, and the slicer gave a half-assed grin, "Abe, tonight is kind of the perfect night to go for it, what could go wrong?"

"I'm not going to make an idiot of myself trying to flirt with anyone." Abe argued nervously, looking tired to be having this conversation yet again.

Jai shrugged noncommittally, lifting her glass to her lips, "Then stop ogling her every time you see her - she might start to notice you."

Miona laughed good-naturedly, setting her hand on Abe's forearm as reassurance.

"Leave him alone, you guys." Pek rolled her eyes at them, giving Jai a little jab with her elbow, "We've had this conversation a thousand times already."

Jai gave her friend a nudge back, the corner of her mouth pulled up slightly, "Fine, fine, I promise no more talking about Chiri."

"You don't make promises." Miona scoffed around the rim of her glass.

Jai paused before nodding in agreement, raising her glass, "You got me there."

Jai's eyes drifted back toward the turbolift, and she mentally reprimanded herself for it - she shouldn't let Cassian trouble her. It was a stupid thing to keep focusing on; she was here with her friends, so why let one man's disinterested agreement to make an appearance linger in her thoughts?

A minute later, the turbolift doors opened, and dumbly Jai perked up a little, only to be immediately let down when she saw it wasn't Cassian. She hoped the others didn't notice her.

She sighed a little through her nose, knocking back the rest of the Merenzane in her glass in one swift swig before she started chewing on the inside of her lip, her brows pulled into a slight glare as she started down at her empty glass.

This was stupid. Why did she get herself excited for Cassian in the first place? They were friends, but they weren't that close. And yet, Jai felt a distinct fondness, a feeling of closeness despite knowing they weren't that. It was that draw she felt to him, the one stirred up when she started thinking "what if" again - it was the things in her head overriding what was going on in reality. She just needed to relax and have another drink, and the rebel captain would be forgotten for the remainder of the evening.

And yet… Jai felt some distinct pull to the man this evening, something she couldn't shake. It had to have been that look in his eyes earlier - Cassian looked exhausted despite putting up at least a decent front of impassivity, he looked downcast despite trying to make jokes to keep Jai off his scent. Maybe she should have read his body language better - he was probably so drained from whatever his latest job was, both emotionally and physically, that there was no way he could try to take part in socializing tonight.

'I don't think he's okay.' The thought suddenly struck Jai, though she tried to dismiss it as being her own anxiety just creating extra worry. Cassian was probably as fine as one could be after a rough mission, he just didn't care about this party. But then again, he seemed more off than usual earlier, like he was not entirely there despite trying to pretend he was.

Jai came back to reality again, looking around the table at her friends, wondering if they had noticed just how long she'd been silent. Miona seemed to give her a look of at least recognition that she had zoned out, but it wasn't a knowing expression as if she could figure out what was on Jai's mind. Jai sighed a little, glancing at her glass again before pushing up from the table without entirely thinking about it.

"I need another drink." The group's eyes drew toward her, and Abe lifted his own glass and shook it a little.

"Grab another for me, too?"

Jai nodded, though she wasn't entirely sure she'd be back to the table any time soon; but she didn't want them being suspicious about her disappearance, at least not from the get-go. As her friends returned to their discussion, Jai glanced back towards the turbolift as she started walking away - she knew she had herself convinced that something wasn't right, and now there was no shaking that though. Her legs carried her toward one of the tables full of drinks, but as she glanced down at it, she had no interest in refilling her glass.

Jai sighed - it looked like she was going to search for the rebel captain after all.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Cassian wasn't sure when he had zoned out or how long he had been sitting still as a statue on the edge of his bed, but a knock at his door drew him out of his daze. As he blinked rapidly a few times, the knocking sounded again - how long had someone been at his door? Cassian's eyes drifted toward it, staring weakly - he was too exhausted to deal with anyone right now, and there wasn't anything that could be that important right now.

"Cassian." A voice sounded from the other side, causing his brows to perk and his back to straighten in recognition - Jai. She came looking for him, much to his own surprise.

When he agreed to return to the hangar, he was still on the fence about whether or not he'd even show, about whether or not he wanted to tell Jai what was on his mind. When he returned to his room to clean up after his meeting with Draven, Cassian knew he didn't have the emotional energy to put up with a crowd, even if it were just for a few minutes. He figured Jai would be content with her friends and forget all about asking him to show up, but evidently his assumption was false.

Cassian pushed his elbows off of his bare knees, staring at the door again as he sighed, deciding whether or not he even wanted to get up. Jai's knocking had stopped - did she give up? Despite himself, Cassian felt a certain disappointment, imagining Jai sighing on the opposite side of his door and walking away in defeat - maybe he wanted to talk to her, maybe he wanted some company. No, he wasn't the type that ever wanted someone around, especially not when he felt like shit as he was feeling tonight. Yet, something in him wanted to let Jai in.

Cassian rose to his feet while pushing his damp hair off of his forehead, hurrying to his small closet to dig out a pair of sweatpants, which he stumbled his legs into as he made for the door. As one hand finished pulling them up, the other snatched his discarded jacket from where he'd dropped it onto the floor.

He stuck his head out the door, seeing that Jai had, in fact, begun to retreat down the hall. For a moment, he simply stared at the back of her head, wondering what exactly he wanted - should he let her go, or should he call out to her? Why did he even go to his door to begin with? And why did he feel this craving for company somewhere in his chest, a craving for Jai's company?

"Jai?" His voice was quieter than he expected, and Cassian wondered if the slicer even heard him. But she paused and turned back, a small grin on her face as her eyes fell on the man that was halfway out in the hall. Upon spotting his damn hair and semi-bare chest, Jai looked Cassian up and down while he finished jerking the jacket over his shoulders; she quirked a brow slightly before looking back at his face while approaching.

"I thought you were gonna stand me up." She teased, making a joke out of the very real disappointment that she had been feeling earlier. As she paused in front of him, though, Jai noticed the conflict in Cassian's expression that had been there all night.

"… I thought about it." He admitted while looking into his room, silently leading Jai back inside. Just like before, she looked around the space, noticing this time though that there was a trail of discarded clothes leading towards the refresher. Her eyes turned back up toward Cassian, who stood between his bed and his closet, his head turned in consideration, as if deciding whether to face her or turn away, whether to remain on his feet or sit down. Despite the man giving no real clues, Jai knew there was something off about Cassian tonight, she just couldn't put her finger on why that was.

The two were quiet for a nearly uncomfortable length of time, Cassian's back still turned to her as they both stood dumbly in the middle of the room. So, Jai thought, she had been right to come looking for him, though she felt bad for her immature worry over why he didn't show.

"So, I take it you don't want that drink tonight." Jai finally said in a somewhat serious tone, though the answer was already obvious. She moved to take a seat on the couch, eyes still watching Cassian attentively as he finally turned to face her. He didn't have to say anything, Jai saw in his expression the confirmation she needed - it wasn't a good night. He was no longer putting up the front he had on down in the hangar as the two stared at each other for another long beat, Cassian hoping that he simply looked tired rather than distraught. But the observant shine in Jai's eyes made it clear to Cassian that he had been figured out.

Jai bit the inside of her cheek, wondering what she should say next - she never was one for serious conversations, especially when she knew the topic was something unideal. She especially wasn't prepared to have one with Cassian, and she wondered why the hell the man let her into his room - he wasn't the type who'd want to share an upsetting conversation with just anyone. Should she just go and leave him be?

"What happened?" Jai heard herself ask without thinking, her brow furrowed in worry. Another long silence stretched out between them; Cassian stared into Jai's eyes for a moment, but eventually looked down at his bare feet, hands resting on his hips as he let out a small sigh.

"It's nothing." He said, his tone nearly convincing - it would have convinced someone else to drop the subject, but Jai could see that this wasn't nothing, and she was never one to immediately give up, especially not with Cassian. Jai nodded while looking away, though she didn't accept his answer. Her eyes fell on the trail of clothes again as she considered.

"Look, I'm shit at this, but… do you need to talk about it?" She turned her gaze back toward Cassian, who was motionless as his tired eyes continued to look at her with reservation. Cassian knew he needed to tell her. Sure, Jai would have heard about this eventually, he already knew the information would make its rounds tomorrow - she should just wait till then. But something about it still nagged at him, something that felt as if it were important for him to discuss it with her now before it was too late. He had to be the one to tell her. it wouldn't be right if she heard it from anyone else, but he didn't know how he'd do it.

Finally, he shook his head slowly, his jaw tight as practiced authority briefly lit his eyes, though it only lingered for a moment. Jai in return gave a disheartened nod, pushing herself back up to her feet as her eyes continued to search Cassian's doleful face, her own worry evident in her expression.

As she took one defeated step towards the door, though, Cassian found himself taking a step forward as well, causing Jai to pause and look back at him. For a moment, Cassian sucked in his lips as he studied the woman's expression. There was yet again another long silence between them as they stared into each other's eyes unblinking.

Finally, Cassian took a deep breath, his voice quiet, "It's Gar."

Immediately, Jai's eyes widened with worry, nearly gasping as she inhaled through her nose - once she started to realize how dire Cassian's mood was, she feared that this was something she wouldn't want to hear, and the dread of that suddenly weighed heavily in her stomach.

If Gar was… Jai didn't even want to think the word. If he was, then that would be the first Rebellion casualty that would leave a mark on her heart. Jai knew others had passed in her six months as a rebel technician, but none of them she knew - though Jai tried to be at the very least friendly with each person that crossed her path, she knew only a sliver of the people on Yavin 4.

She wasn't like Cassian - she didn't feel connected to every single person here, she didn't feel weighed down every time another rebel didn't return home, she didn't let those losses linger. So many had been lost and Jai simply accepted it while moving on, knowing it came with the territory and finding it hard to feel anything when she didn't even know the person.

But Gar? A man who had been a boss and a mentor to her, who had been nearly a brotherly figure as of recent? She almost didn't want to hear what Cassian would say next.

Jai didn't even feel her feet move beneath her as she closed the distance between her and Cassian, pausing only a few inches in front of him as her wide eyes stared up into his. Those dark eyes were practically begging him to not utter what she feared, begging him to say he was just pulling her leg. But Cassian's downcast expression didn't change as he stared back at her.

"We got separated," Cassian started, his voice a dismal monotone, "The Empire got to him and Halu before we could."

Jai's next breath came out shaky, her wide eyes dropping to stare at Cassian's chest, afraid to look into his eyes for fear of losing her composure. Her mouth hung open slightly as she tried to process the information, but she could feel herself trembling as the grief started to creep in. Her hands began to wring at her sides, eyes slowly beginning to water. But tears didn't fall as she tried to blink them away - no, even in her worst moments, Jai had always been good about holding them back, about reeling herself in before she became a complete mess. The last time she cried in front of anyone was the day Tillian died. And just like what happened that day, what happened to Gar was completely out of Jai's control, and that silent mantra is what kept her even slightly stable as she stood here now, even if she knew that stability was only temporary.

Jai found herself warily looking up into Cassian's face again, a part of her desperate to reach out to him, but she continued to stand there stiffly, feeling her body ache suddenly as if she'd just run a marathon, exhausted and ready to collapse.

Cassian, though still obviously feeling that deep disappointment, had had at least some time to accept what happened - the ship ride back to Yavin 4 gave him and his team some time to mourn. As a captain, he had to be the grounding strength for everyone else whenever missions went awry, and having to do that through the years helped him develop his own means of coping with distress. But staring down at Jai as she tried to process the information, dealing with the emotions of a loss one-on-one rather than with a team, threatened to turn his exhaustion back into grief.

Silently, Cassian reached out to set a light hand on Jai's wrist, his pinky barely resting in her palm, but his touch caused her to start in surprise and jerk back from him. Her eyes widened a little as she met his stare, taking in another deep, shuttered breath as she tried to calm herself, holding her arm in her other hand as if Cassian's delicate touch had burned her. Slowly, she turned away and dropped down to sit on Cassian's bed as if she couldn't hold herself up any longer, her shoulders sagging and her head hanging lowly to hide her face from Cassian.

Jai never liked to be touched when she was emotional, ever since she was a kid she shied from it - if someone ever tried to offer her comfort, it often opened up the floodgates, and the last thing she wanted was to be blubbering in anyone's arms. Before she could even think about letting someone comfort her or talk to her about what she was feeling, Jai first had to deal with the pain herself, and if that meant running from the comfort of others, then so be it. And despite that part of her that wanted to reach out, that wanted to cling to the person nearest to her, Jai couldn't bring herself to do it - being so raw and vulnerable in front of anyone else terrified her.

Cassian stared at Jai knowingly, studying her pained expression as he felt his own fatigue from the day rising up again. He hesitated to move, even if it was to walk to his couch or to the seat in his kitchen - he didn't want to startle Jai again. So, once more, he stood stock-still, watching and waiting patiently.

A few long minutes passed in thick silence before Jai suddenly stood and darted into Cassian's refresher with barely any time for him to process that she had jumped up. His concerned eyes lingered on the closed door briefly before he finally started moving again, his knees feeling stiff as he walked to his kitchenette for a glass of water. He sighed as he chugged it down, having not realized how dry his mouth was beginning to feel.

He couldn't have anticipated that he'd feel so awful having to tell Jai what happened - Cassian had dealt with loss through the years, and had dealt with telling others about loss more times than he could count. Though it never necessarily got any easier, Cassian had grown accustomed to being the bearer of bad news, to seeing his fellow rebels mourn. And yet, something about this last time hurt more than it should have, something in Jai's eyes stung unexpectedly when she pulled away from him.

Jai had done something to him, though Cassian couldn't quite say what that was. Some time between their last night alone together and this one, Cassian started to feel something unfamiliar for the woman, and that something made it so much harder to see her broken and despairing, retreating from his touch and hiding on the opposite side of the door from him. Cassian was surprised to find that he wished he could be right there by Jai's side and consoling her as she mourned.

Despite himself, Cassian hated that he had to tell Jai, though he also couldn't have allowed anyone else to tell her. It had to be him, that much he knew, but that only made it somehow hurt more when he watched her face crumble.

Cassian refilled his glass and shuffled back towards his bed, taking a long sip of water once he sat down. His eyes drifted back towards the refresher door as he set the cup aside, feeling a pull to rise back to his feet and check on Jai. But he knew better than to try - he had to leave her be. For all he cared, Jai could keep herself locked up in his refresher all damn night, and he still wouldn't disturb her.

Once Cassian had finished his second glass of water, he looked down at the jacket he had quickly thrown on when Jai knocked at his door, slowly pulling it off of himself and dropping it in the pile of dirty clothes he stripped off earlier, wanting to simply lie back, let out a deep sigh, and close his eyes for a while. But as his gaze lingered on the pile that sat just before the refresher door, he tiredly pushed himself to his feet, knowing he shouldn't leave it there for Jai to accidentally trip over on her way out. He quickly hid all his dirty clothes away and retrieved a fresh tank top, hearing the door open behind him just as he had pulled it over his head.

Cassian turned to look at Jai as he pulled the shirt down his torso, noticing immediately that she wasn't looking at his face but rather at his chest, even if for a split second. Though there were bags under her tired eyes, Jai looked a little more refreshed - he could tell she had been crying and that she tried to clean herself up to hide the evidence of it. Her face and hairline were damp from splashing water onto her skin, and her eyes even had a different quality to them now. Through their tiredness, her eyes looked a little brighter and clearer - maybe she was trying to shove away any pain she was feeling. But her energy, too, had shifted, and Cassian felt a little less rigid than before - he was reminded that this wasn't the first loss Jai had dealt with, and it looked as if she had found a way of coping with the pain life threw at her.

The two stared at one another once more, studying the other's expression thoughtfully. Jai gave Cassian a weak, cagey smile, one that made the sadness in her eyes a touch more obvious - he suspected the look was to reassure herself rather than him. She let out a slight sigh and finally stepped back into the room, slowly approaching Cassian, once more coming to a pause only about a foot in front of him. She looked down while licking her dry lips, her eyes darting back and forth as if she were searching for the words that clearly wanted to leave her mouth.

Her eyes finally met his again through her lashes, "… Thanks for telling me." Her voice was quiet, and Cassian's brows rose a little at the words, "I wouldn't want to hear it from anyone else."

Cassian felt an unexpected stutter in his chest before he spoke slowly, his tone as quiet as hers, "I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to tell you."

Jai gave a slight nod in understanding as she looked down again, her eyes falling onto one of Cassian's hands as his thumb slid across the pads of his fingers edgily. She reached out and grabbed his hand firmly, drawing Cassian's surprised eyes down to their point of contact as well. Neither of them moved for a few long moments until finally Cassian gave Jai's fingers a reassuring squeeze. A faint sad smile ghosted across her lips again as she looked back up at his face, studying his features fondly, and despite how emotional they both were, Cassian nonetheless felt a warmth stir in his chest thanks to the look Jai was giving him.

"Draven wants me to tell your department tomorrow." Cassian started as his eyes returned to linger on their joined hands, "Chase is going to take over as supervisor."

Jai nodded, pushing down the lump that dared to rise in her throat again, "Chase'll be great, Gar trained her well."

Cassian turned his warm eyes back up to Jai's face, surveying her expression carefully as he thought, "Do you want to take tomorrow off?"

"No," she gave him a quick, reassuring smile and a shake of her head, and Cassian wasn't sure if he was imagining it or if Jai did move a touch closer, "I'll be better if I keep busy. I don't need you treating me any different than the rest of the hangar techs."

Her words weren't accusatory but thankful and appreciative that Cassian even asked her the question - if Jai needed evidence that Cassian had any interest in her, that was it. Cassian showing that kind of care to her eliminated any doubt Jai had regarding their friendship.

Jai squeezed Cassian's hand before slowly pulling away, her fingers gliding across his almost as if she didn't want to let go. Cassian's fingers clenched slightly, finding that he suddenly missed her touch. Jai took a single step back, sighing as she looked around the room while in thought.

"I should go." Her tone nearly contradicted her words, as if she disdained to even say them. But she was drained from the news about Gar, and she was certain that Cassian was as well - they both could use some good rest. She took another couple of steps before turning on her heel, and once more Cassian found himself taking a step forward.

"You could stay." Jai's eyes turned back to meet his, a questioning look in them. Cassian's expression was softer than she'd ever seen it, "Maybe we could both use the company."

A contented smile spread across Jai's lips, a warmth rising in her chest that helped to ease some of the pain that had been weighing on her just minutes prior.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Cassian awoke to the sound of blankets ruffling and Jai breathing unevenly. He wasn’t sure what time it was or what time the two had finally fallen asleep, but without checking the clock he was almost certain it was very early morning. Cassian had been a light sleeper almost his entire life, so although Jai’s movements probably would not have disturbed most people, she was just loud enough for his ears to prick up and notice.

Though the room was nearly pitch black, when he turned his head Cassian could tell Jai was still on the couch where he had left her, having not heard her rise from it. He insisted, once he started to see how tired Jai was, that she take his bed, but she just as adamantly argued that his cramped little couch would be fine, seeing as she was shorter so it would be less uncomfortable for her. Though Cassian tried to argue, he knew Jai wouldn’t budge, so at the very least he gave her his good blanket, hoping it would be some comfort to her.

For a minute, he simply lied still listening -- after Jai’s initial movement, which must have been her sitting up and rearranging, she hardly made a sound. If it weren’t for her uneven breathing, Cassian would have suspected that she had fallen back asleep; but those uneven breaths were shaky, as if the loss of Gar was coming right back up and threatening to wear so deeply at her mind that she couldn’t sleep again.

Cassian debated whether or not to say something, whether or not he should sit up and ask if she wanted to talk, wanted some kind of comfort. Maybe she had a nightmare that roused her, and maybe she’d simply want to be left alone; but maybe this time she’d want to talk to him.

As he heard Jai shift around again, as if fighting to find a comfortable position but to no avail, Cassian finally spoke up, his voice thick with sleep, “Jai.”

He heard the slightest of surprised noises escape her, and if he were looking Cassian was sure the startled look on Jai’s face might be mildly comical.

“I’m sorry,” Jai whispered, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Cassian propped himself onto his elbows to look in her direction, though because of the darkness he still could only just make out Jai’s silhouette, “I’m a light sleeper. You alright?”

“Fine…” Her tone wasn’t entirely convincing, but at least she didn’t sound as sad as Cassian feared she would -- she just sounded tired, “Just woke up suddenly. Must’ve been something in my dream, I guess.”

Cassian could see the way Jai slumped down a little, again making a feeble attempt at getting comfortable, “Or maybe your body’s protesting against the couch.”

Jai let out a huffed laugh, rolling her eyes, “My back does suddenly feel like it’s aged a couple of decades.”

Cassian sat upright, and he could feel Jai’s eyes trying to make out his silhouette in the darkness as well. As he grinned at Jai’s response, he stared in her general direction for a couple of moments, “Let’s trade.”

“You think your back will manage any better on this thing?” Her voice sounded humored by the suggestion, “Stay put, Andor.”

Cassian nearly laughed as he started to push himself out of the bed, retrieving his glass from the bedside table while shuffling towards the kitchen, which supplied the one small bit of light into the room from an emergency light that sat on the wall above the bar between the kitchen and the rest of the living space.

“I don’t think I’ll be falling asleep again too soon.” He said while refilling his cup. Turning back to the room, he could make Jai out a little better now that he was closer, and he held the glass in her direction, “Thirsty?”

Without answering, Jai lifted herself off the couch and padded over towards Cassian, circling the bar to retrieve the glass from his outstretched hand while leaning her hip against the counter. Cassian mirrored her position, though he rested some of his weight on his palm atop the bar as well as he stared into her face. Cassian could now make out her features just a little thanks to the faint light and their proximity to one another -- the outlines of her nose and lips, the slight glint of the light reflecting in her eyes. He looked down at her throat as he heard her swallow back nearly the entire glass of water.

Jai felt Cassian watching her far too closely, and yet she didn’t feel as uncomfortable under his gaze as she normally would have. As she set the cup carefully on the counter, she, too, stared up at him, trying to make out as much of his face as possible in the minimal lighting. Silence lingered between them as they stood there, neither having anything to say.

Though he could see her arm move from where it was crossed with the other, Cassian still jumped just slightly when he felt Jai’s hand slide over his, her thumb faintly rubbing circles on the outside of his wrist. He glanced down at their connected hands before finding the glint of her eyes again.

“Thank you, again, Cass.” Just like the first time, the gentle delivery of the unexpected nickname caused a shiver to work it’s way up Cassian’s spine. He hoped Jai didn’t notice.

“There’s nothing to thank me for.” He answered in a similarly quiet tone, tilting his head down slightly; he couldn’t help but feel guilty about what happened to Gar. The expert technician rarely went into the field anymore, but Cassian allowed him to go on this mission because the man showed interest. If Cassian had just told him no, Gar would still be here. Jai had no reason to thank him a second time, let alone the first time from earlier in the evening.

 All of Cassian’s attention briefly focused on where Jai’s thumb still brushed delicately against his skin -- how was it possible that the touch simultaneously calmed him and made his heart beat just a little louder in his ears?

Jai shrugged, attempting to speak jocularly, “You didn’t give me shit about crying in your ‘fresher and you let me stay here -- that’s worth some thanks.”

Cassian couldn’t help the small step forward he took, moving in even closer to Jai than he already was -- something about the dismissiveness of her earlier upset bothered him, “Your feelings are not a joke, Jai.”

 The seriousness of his tone took Jai by surprise, causing her to look up at him curiously, though Cassian couldn’t quite make out the expression in the darkness. He could tell her eyes were burning into him, and he stared right back with just as much weight. He found his mind focusing back on her hand atop his -- Jai’s thumb had already stopped moving, but it felt as if her grip tightened just slightly. In that same moment, Cassian became acutely aware of how close he had moved to her, how he felt an almost static energy bouncing between them. Without her saying so, Cassian knew Jai felt it as well. 

Jai lightly exhaled through her nose, her next words taking Cassian by surprise, “If someone asked me six months ago if I’d ever care about you, Cassian, I would have laughed in their face.”

Jai could see the faint light bounce off of Cassian’s teeth as he smiled unexpectedly at the remark, causing a grin to pull across her own lips. Cassian considered her for just a moment with fondness, “If someone had asked me, I would have done the same thing.”

The admissions caused them both to laugh smally, but it also felt like another spark of static surged between them. They stared at each other for another brief beat before Jai dropped her gaze to the darkness between them, feeling her heart beating far too heavily against her chest. Little did she know that Cassian’s heart was pounding just as quickly.

Did he understand the full weight of the meaning in her confession? Did she? Jai was surprised by her own admission, by the way her heart drummed in her ears, by this sudden need to lean into the man before her. The pull she felt towards Cassian seemed so much more palpable then it had been before, as if she could no longer keep it at bay; Jai knew she was doomed to succumb to that unfamiliar fluttery sensation in her stomach.

She called on her courage that felt as if it were trying to evade her, her voice coming out quieter and even hesitant as she looked up through her lashes, though thanks to the dark Cassian didn’t notice, “… I probably care about you more than I should.”

A weight felt as if it dropped in Cassian’s stomach, the confession seeming to echo between his ears as his heart drummed off-rhythm against his rib cage. His eyes widened in surprise and he stared intensely and unblinkingly at Jai, feeling his free hand twitch with some unfamiliar need to reach towards her, as if he still had to search for something to clarify what her words meant.

He realized then exactly what it was that had been building up inside of him, what these nerves were that only seemed to pop up when Jai was around. Cassian had had an understanding of what he was beginning to feel towards Jai, but in the past he was able to suppress it and shove it aside, to pretend it was unimportant, that it would pass. With the woman in question standing here mere inches before him, owning up to her own feelings, his weren’t quite as easy to ignore.

Cassian dipped his head, hoping it would draw Jai to look back up towards him as he leaned a little closer in search of her gaze. He understood exactly what Jai had meant, and yet he wanted to ask her, to hear the explanation exactly as she meant it to be understood. He wanted to hear it straight from her lips.

Jai continued to stare up at Cassian through her lashes, her stomach knotting when he moved in closer to her. If either of them moved any further, she would be leaning into him, her forehead pressed to his cheek, losing all traces of distance between their bodies. Despite trying to keep herself together, Jai’s breath came out in a waver that she tried to control, and she knew there was no way Cassian could have missed it.

In a brief moment of confidence, Jai slid her hand from it’s spot atop Cassian’s, fingertips slowly gliding over his forearm and securing a grip on his bicep. In the same second that she gave his upper arm a slight squeeze, as if to assure herself that he was really right there in front of her and that this conversation was really happening, Cassian’s hand steadily reached up and found a secure hold at the nape of her neck, his fingers twisting delicately in her dark locks and pulling her head back. For a beat, they breathed in unison, a shared look of yearning in their eyes as Cassian briefly pressed his forehead to Jai’s, giving them both one last moment to consider what was about to happen.

And then their lips met frantically, noses bumping and teeth nearly clashing together, neither certain who moved first as their need for one another took charge. Cassian’s lips were rough against her own, but the sharp taste of him drew a sigh from Jai’s throat, her free hand moving to grip the front of his t-shirt, pulling herself even closer as if he was her oxygen supply. Cassian’s tongue licked across her lower lip in a frenzied response, the heat of her body seeming to engulf him as she drew him nearer, her other hand jumping up to securely rest against his cheek.

Cassian’s arm wrapped around Jai’s narrow waist desperately, his palm pressing her flush against him while the fingers in her hair tightening their grip, twisting a little. An eager sound rumbled in his chest as he slipped his tongue between her lips, tangling with her own heatedly, feeling Jai grab at him with urgency, the scratch of her nails along his torso stirring a second moan from his throat.

As their kiss grew deeper, each feeling drunk off of the other, Cassian pressed forward until he had Jai’s back pinned against the bar, his hands snaking down her body with groping fingers that needed to feel every inch of her, his lips not straying from hers for even a second. When he found a secure grip on her ass, Cassian swiftly lifted Jai up onto the counter, causing a slight moan to escape her as he pressed himself against the warmth between her legs.

Jai’s fingers threaded messily into Cassian’s hair, nails scratching against his scalp as he finally pulled his mouth from hers, Jai gasping for air as he hardly paused for breath before starting to leave open-mouthed kisses along her jaw and down her neck, his teeth scraping hungrily against warm skin. He bit down lightly on the side of Jai’s neck, causing her to gasp and arch her back, the press of her breasts against his chest encouraging Cassian to nibble at her skin again before sucking it between his lips to leave a faint bruise. Jai let out another clipped moan as Cassian’s wandering hands squeezed her ass and pressed her forward against him as he gave a firm roll of his hips. His own shuddered groan muffled against Jai’s collarbone, his breath fiery hot on her skin.

Cassian worked his way back up to Jai’s mouth, nipping at her skin before finally crashing onto Jai’s waiting lips again. One of his hands trailed up her side, giving extra care to press firmly against her breast before continuing up to settle against her cheek, desperate to somehow pull her closer than she already was. Cassian pressed forward hungrily as Jai slipped her slick tongue back into his mouth with a smile pulling at her lips, leaning back under him until she finally let her weight fall onto her elbow. Cassian braced himself on his forearm as he continued to urge Jai down onto her back, the two moaning in unison as he gave another slow roll of his hips against her. As Jai lay flat on the counter, Cassian’s hand pulled away from her cheek, the delicate trailing of his fingers causing a shiver to travel up Jai’s spine as his hand found its way to her own. Jai desperately deepened the kiss as they laced their fingers together, slowly moving their joined hands above Jai’s head.

Their hands bumped into something that they didn’t spare a second thought for until it suddenly crashed down onto the floor, causing Jai to jolt up with a gasp, bumping into Cassian’s forehead before he could pull back from her.

“Shit.” He hissed in surprise, the hand that had been laced with Jai’s now pressed to his forehead. He continued to linger over Jai, the both of them trying to collect themselves and catch their breath, the air red hot between them. They met eyes, their breath mingling, and gently Cassian lowered his forehead to rest against Jai’s delicately, his hand finding a new resting place at the base of her neck.

Despite herself, a pure laugh sprang out of Jai, her amused smile wide as she closed her eyes, nearly embarrassed, “We broke your glass.”

A beaming smile crossed Cassian’s lips as well as he laughed, his nose brushing against Jai’s as he answered breathily, his accent thicker, “Doesn’t matter.”

He leaned forward to brush his lips against Jai’s briefly, pulling back far enough to look into her eyes again, his chest still heaving against hers. Slowly, he pushed himself up, his hands finding a resting place atop Jai’s thighs, his thumbs rubbing slow circles into the fabric of the sweatpants he let her borrow. For a moment longer, Jai stayed on her back, her hands sliding their way up Cassian’s forearms, fingertips pressing firmly into his skin as an eased smile tugged at her lips.

“Come here.” Cassian’s gentle yet commanding tone caused Jai’s middle to tighten with need, just the timbre of his voice alone causing her to let out a yearning sigh. Her hands secured around Cassian’s biceps again and used him as leverage to pull herself up, bringing her nose within centimeters of his as she sat up.

Cassian sighed contentedly, his breath brushing against Jai’s skin as he thought for a few long moments; he couldn’t find the words for any of his thoughts, so instead he pressed his lips tenderly to hers, one of his hands rising to cup her cheek affectionately. Once more, they pressed their foreheads together, mindlessly grazing their fingers along one another’s skin as they tried to collect themselves.

The longer Jai sat here and considered her current position, the more unexpected yet warming it became -- here she was, wrapped around Cassian Andor and feeling so completely at peace enveloped in his touch. She had considered in the past what this would be like, to be close to him and out of breath, to feel his lips against hers, to feel a heat twisting in her abdomen, but those daydreams were nothing like the reality. She had thought they would always remain daydreams, thoughts that passed her by not to be taken too seriously. Getting close to Cassian like this didn’t seem possible, and yet somehow here she was, high on his touch, drunk on his passionate eyes. Cassian, the man who didn’t like to get too close to anyone, whose best friend was a droid, who six months ago had vowed to distrust her… and he was standing here between her legs, his hold on her possessive and in want of more.

She wouldn’t say lucky was the right word, but Jai certainly felt satisfied as she and Cassian remained wrapped around one another.

Cassian finally took a step back from her, his fingers gliding along the top of Jai’s thighs and making her shiver. Her eyes had to readjust to the lack of lighting in the room, but she was sure she could see Cassian grinning fondly at her response to his touch.

His hands found hers as he took another step back, whispering, “Come on,” as he helped Jai hop down from the counter, the broken glass that had fallen to the floor somewhere completely forgotten -- he didn’t care enough to deal with it right now, he’d come back to it in the morning.

Cassian’s fingers lazily tangled with one of Jai’s hands, his eyes straining to find the glass shards on the floor so that neither of them stepped on something sharp. He carefully led Jai out of the kitchen, pausing in his cramped living space with the bed just a step behind him to look back at Jai with a tired smirk. Despite how close they were earlier, she felt her cheeks heat up, feeling the power of his gaze though she could no longer see it in the near-darkness. Cassian lightly tugged on Jai’s hand until she stepped closer, and she could feel Cassian’s free hand just hovering over her face until finally he set it on the base of her neck.

Cassian’s past fears and concerns about Jai crossed his mind as he held her in a comfortable and intimate silence -- he recalled their evening of drinking, when she first managed to send some kind of electric spark through him, when she first made him question the feelings going on inside of him. He had been so afraid to consider them and acknowledge them, because he knew what they meant -- he wanted to get close to someone, get close to her, despite all of his precautions through the years to avoid ever wanting that.

He realized that night two months ago that Jai would be trouble for him, but a completely different kind of trouble than what he had originally projected when they met. She was persistent with him, familiar with him, always making efforts with him -- no one had ever shown that exact combination of traits to him before. Jai had been throwing him for a loop for months now, and somehow she managed to wiggle her way into his heart, somehow slipping past all the emotional safeguards he built up through the years.

Cassian used to be afraid of this feeling. In many ways he still was. And yet, once his lips were on Jai’s, that fear dissolved away, at least temporarily. He wanted -- needed -- to be close to her, yet something in him continued to fear what would happen if he got too close. It was a habit that held him back, the habit of keeping people at arm’s length. But Jai… as much as it scared him, Jai made him want to break the habit and start a new one.

If anyone asked Cassian prior to this evening if he found himself attracted to Jai Tillian, he would have fervently denied it to the point of suspicion.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

                                                  Care [kair]

                                                      noun

a cause or object of concern; serious attention

provision of what is needed for the well-being or protection of a person

                                                      verb

to be concerned; have thought or regard; to have a special preference

to wish; desire; like

#cassian andor #cassian andor x original character #cassian andor x oc #cassian andor x reader #diego luna #rogue one #star wars #star wars fic #rogue one fic #rouge one fanfiction #ca #fics #fics* #saudade

[violetnotez]

Is the this the longest fic Ive ever written? Yes. Does it suck? Also yes. Will nobody read it because it makes no sense but Im still going to post because I wasted way too much damn on this thing? TRIPLE YES.

Word count: 10.4k words (she thicc)

Genre: Angst and Fluff, sfw

AU: Fantasy AU!, Hanahaki disease

Prompt: “How could your keep this from?”

Warnings: blood

Summary: You are born into a worls where you must marry your best friend, Prince Shoto, in order to unite your kingdoms in harmony. You are happy to marry your childhood friend and love, until he leaves for a quest unannounced, and you are left questioning if you really want to marry him. Once he returns a few weeks before your planned wedding, you begin to not fall in love with him, but one of his comrades- the barbarian, Bakugo. 

*this is for the even for @bnhabookclub​! Heres the link to the post if your interested!

Again. welcome to the shitshow that is my blog. read at your own risk cause this gets REAL WIERD REAL QUICK

Petals-all you could see were the petals.

Your mouth and  throat felt so dry, your forehead damp with sweat as your back convulsed painfully, raspy coughs wracking out of your chest as you forced the petals out of your body.

They were so pale, like creamy vanilla, a stark contrast from the droplets of your blood splattered on the delicate buds.

You quickly reached for your handkerchief, wiping the residue off your dry mouth in fear of it dribbling on to your white dress-your wedding dress. Your hands were shaking, unable to cry any more tears at your misery-you had come to terms many weeks ago that you were going to reach an unhappy end.

Why did it have to be him?

----------------

You were the princess of your kingdom, destined to marry Prince Shoto of the neighboring kingdom. It was something you two had been accustomed to from birth- in order to connect  the two kingdoms and end the quarrels between the two civilizations, you had to marry. It would be a harmonious marriage: Prince Shoto was kind, soft spoken, and a natural born leader. You two had been wonderful friends as siblings, your fathers putting away their troubles in order for you two to get along. They were hoping that by making you friends at a young age, you would learn to grow feelings for each other.

 For a time, it worked-you had fallen for Prince Shoto, his soft yet powerful demeanor making you  blush each time you remembered him, your young hands writing your name with his last in your journal like a prayer. At 13 you already began to count down the days until you would turn 18, because on that day, you were set to marry your predestined lover- Shoto Todoroki.

For years you had felt so lucky you were blessed with such a sweet boy to be with, being able to live out your lives harmoniously and in peace, something both your parents didn't have the luxury to have. It sometimes left you feeling frustrated- Shoto was truly kind, but very quiet about his thoughts. Your love felt one sided, Shoto seemingly only tolerating you because he had to. 

Once he got older, he became more distant towards you, clearly wishing to rebel against his father’s wishes by being distant towards you. It hurt you immensely to see your best friend and crush plainly reject you, but you still held on to the hope that you two could be happy with each other. Yet all that changed when the Prince had left for a quest.

He had been gone for what seemed like an eternity and for a time, you were extremely worried. You could barely focus on your studies, only imagining your poor friend somewhere cold, hungry, and alone. You knew he would be fine, he was a resilient fighter, but yet you couldn't help but allow the worrisome thoughts to collect in your brain. After news that the Prince was in a neighboring kingdom, safely traveling with a young boy, a witch, and a warrior, you felt at ease- with all those comrades, he was sure to be safe. You finally breathed a sigh of relief, able to calm your anxieties after a long time of being unable to.

 Information continued to trickle in, sometimes good and sometimes bad, but it always stated that the Prince was spotted safe and sound. You took solace in that information, and for awhile, you began to worry less and less about Shoto, until he was barely a memory.

During that time, you had begun to take on the habit of reading. Before it was a task you simply did when forced or extremely bored, only reading books and stories from your own kingdom. 

With so much extra time on your hands waiting upon the Prince to return, you began to learn of other stories, ones that were trully a delight to you: stories of nomads who traveled the country and did rituals to bring them fortunes, women who sold potions by gathering mystical ingredients from the woods, people choosing their own destines and their own paths. It intrigued you- from birth you had one mission for your life: to unite your kingdoms. Once you married Prince Shoto, your destiny would be complete: and then what would you do? You had no other purpose, except being a symbol of that peace for the rest of your life, sitting pretty on a throne until your last breath. 

It began to eat at your insides, gnaw at your conscience that you were merely a pawn in your father’s legacy. You could now fully understand why Shoto had been so defiant: he had realized the truth of his life as well.

Slowly, you began to learn to dread instead of anticipate your wedding day. With the Prince being gone, it was sending quite a ruckus in your home, your father more annoyed with each passing day that the Prince had not come back. You, on the other hand, rejoiced. The kings had both agreed at your times of birth that if anything happened to either child before your 18th birthday, the agreement would be cancelled and the marriage no more. They would rely on their children to fix their broken ties. 

You had just turned 17, the mental clock beginning to tick  in you and your father’s minds, as the Prince still wasn't back form his quest. Just a few more months, and you would both have your wishes: Shoto seemed to have no interest in marrying you, and why should you even for that matter? You two truly didnt love each other- your friendship was a hoax your fathers had created in order to save their own legacies. Your love for each other was man-made and a lie. Just a few more months, and you'd be free of this terrible fate.

------------

The day you turned 17 and a half, you were busying yourself on your plush pink bed, reading another novel about free spirited women in a far off land.

“Princess y/n,” your hand maiden opened the door quietly, afraid of disturbing you, “the King would like to speak with you.”

You gave your shy handmaiden a small smile, delicately marking the spot in your book as your feet landed on the cold floor. 

“Thank you,” you replied, “Ill be there shortly.”

You entered your father’s study, his feet stomping the room heavily as he paced in deep thought.

The room was grand, a golden chair sitting in front of an old ebony desk, the room surrounded by maps, battle plans, and bookcases full of legends of stories written long before your time. Light flitted through long windows against the wall, looking out to the rural countryside and a matching red carpet run the lengths of the stone floors.

Your entrance seemed to have disturbed your Father’s train of thought, his head instantly looking to see who had interrupted him. Once he saw it was you, he sighed, greeting you with a tight smile.

“You wished to see me Father?’ you asked politely, your fingers tugging nervously at the sleeves of your dress. Your father never called upon you unless it was extremely important- had you done something wrong? You wracked your mind for any actions that would had been unwise for your father to find out, but to your surprise, you couldnt think of a single thing you had done.

“Yes, yes,” your father said hastily, waving his hands toward a small wooden chair at the foot of his desk, “please-sit. We have much to discuss.”

You sat on the hard chair, a chill traveling your back as you watched your father sit in his plush throne, his face clearly tired.

“As we all know, Prince Shoto has been on a quite a long quest for some time,” your father began, his voice deep with annoyance, “and has not come back. And with your 18th birthday fast approaching, and it worries me that the boy wont be back in time for your marriage. I have talked to King Todoroki about my worries,  who also had the same fear, and he promised to bring the boy back and end his little shenanigan. But Shoto refuses to leave until his quest is complete.” 

Your father took in a deep breath through his nose, his face a mix of anger and agitation.

Your heart beat excitedly- the prince wasnt coming back? The news bounced happily inside you, giving you some hope that you needed- that must have been why he had gone on that quest in the first place! Even though you were excited, you felt a tightness in your chest- you were childhood firend after all. He really didnt like you that much that he felt he had to run away?

“Oh dont look so solemn daughter,” your father comforted, his voice soft with sympathy,” Shotos father allowed the boy to finish his quest in 5 months’ time, and he is forced to return to his kingdom. In the meantime, we can not forget the whole reason for your marriage like young Todoroki has- you must connect the kingdoms in order to bring harmony.``

“Which is why,” your father added, “we must begin to plan the wedding.”

Your head shot up, the feeling of shock flooding your body. It was still going to happen? Your body began to feel heavy, your father's words fuzzy against your ear- you didn't want this, any of this. You felt trapped like a songbird in a cage, unable to scream out what you desperately wanted to say: if he didnt love you, you didnt want any part of this.

Your father seemed to not notice the look of terror on your face, continuing to inform you of his plan. “We already have sent out invitation to relatives and noblemen in other countries, as well as begin to plan out the festivities. It will be a 3 day event, full of food and parties and, of course, the celebration of our kingdoms coming together. The closer to the date, we will begin to need you for fittings of your dresses as well as rehearse your wedding vows and such. I promise I will make this as wonderful as I can, for you are my only daughter.” 

The king smiled at you, wrapping your stiff body into a hug. You could barely feel his embrace- the world was numb to your screaming mind. You wished upon everything in you to end this, to make this all go away, but you knew you couldn't- you would be forced to do this whether you wanted to or not. 

You simply nodded your head to your father’s parting words, and then ran to your quarters, shutting the door and ceremoniously throwing yourself on your bed in defeat.

--------------

For days you felt numb and broken, all fight leaving your body. You watched as all your handmaidens and servants ran like chickens around the castle, preparing for the enormous festivities coming in close time. You were a good and proper princes, silently placid and allowing everything around you to happen.

 Flower arrangements, samples of sweets, and  fabrics for your dresses all came to you, and you agreed to all of them or just randomly choose. You could care less for your “special day”- the only thing you could truly hope for was prince Shoto ignoring his father’s wishes and not coming back.

That, of course, was a wishful fantasy. You were having a blissful dream when your hand maiden barged into your room, clearly too excited to be considerate of your sleeping state.

“Miss y/n! Miss y/n! Oh please wake up! There is most wonderful news!” she cried excitedly, gently pulling the covers off your body, “You must get ready at once!”

“Prince Shoto- he is back from his quest!”

---------

The whole of the kingdom rejoiced at the news, since he had arrived a month before the wedding. He was here, ready to marry and unite the kingdom. That was all that truly mattered.

Your handmaiden dressed you in your most elegant gown, the icy aqua color bringing out the rosiness of your cheeks, as she placed pearly ornaments in your hair. You felt like you were being presented as a gift to the Prince, a reminder of what he was destined to do. You sighed, dreading having to reunite with your once friend and secret love.

Shoto was standing in the ballroom of your castle, very accustomed to it since you both played here occasionally as children. He was used to the golden floors and the crystal chandeliers the sizes of boulders, all hung gracefully in a row on the ebony ceiling. Him and his company were standing shoulder to shoulder, facing the polished staircase cascading towards them.

He looked at his new found friend’s faces, their expressions clearly in shock. Izuku, his face ruddy with dirt and his cheeks aflame from nervousness as he twisted his shirt between his fingers (a nervous tick Shoto had noticed).  Uraraka gawked at the room around her in awe, her wide eyes drinking up the scene in front of her. Bakugo was least impressed, his arms crossed in front of his exposed chest and his eyes formed in judgmental slits.

 Shoto had told the others before why he had to go back, but only after the quest was over- he wanted to help his new found friends, and after promising to help them in their battle, he would have felt extremely guilty leaving them behind. 

Their reactions were mixed when he revealed he had a marriage in a few weeks time- Izuku was clearly shocked yet in awe hed be marrying a princess, while Uraraka seemed to find the situation romantic. Bakugo simply laughed, mocking him from being such a “sissy” for actually getting married in the first place.

Shoto was feeling conflicted inside at the moment- it had been so long since he had last seen you, and when he had, he was less than kind to you. He was quiet, distant, and quite petty about the whole situation of your marriage. You had turned barely 17 when he left, his young body desperate for some adventure and resilient to his father’s wishes. He merely saw you as a nuisance, someone in the way of his freedom. He knew it was unkind and unjustified, you didn't know what was going on inside him, but he was angry nevertheless and desperate to leave. So when he was approached by young boy in need of a friend for his quest, it was hard to resist the offer.

But as nights when on and he had time to be alone with his thoughts, his mind always seemed to travel to you. The way you giggled, your laughs sounding like chimes in the wind, or how your smile always seemed to make his skin tingle with warmth.

 You were always a strange girl, but always in the best way, daring Shoto to races even thought your father said it was “unlike a princess to do so” or trying to braid Shoto’s mix-matched hair.

 He would never forget the day he had allowed you to do so, your nimble fingers soft against his skin and making him burn up from nervousness. Your touch was so calming and soothing, your small compliments and soft voice sending his soul soaring with pleasure. It was then he realized he had loved you for you, not because he was forced to.

Shoto felt guilty for forgetting those cherished memories in his fits of anger, but he had agreed to help Izuku and he vowed to not give up on that promimse. Months went on, and Shoto couldnt tell how much time had passed: he only hoped you were doing okay without him. 

It wasnt until his father had came to collect him that he realized how short he was on time. He had still stuck by his friends, yet the constant reminders of your wedding was in the air, haunting him. They would travel through kingdoms, the whispers of this event following him as the townspeople began to talk. It was a wonder his friends never caught on except him, only to find out weeks before your wedding.

Now Shoto was standing in the ballroom, feeling quite nervous- he hadnt seen you in so long….would you look any different? He was certain your beauty had grown by then, the thought of you looking older and more womanly bringing a blush to his cheeks. How would you see him? He had become quite a different person on his quest, his body becoming more hardened from battles with bandits and the harsh life of travelling. Would you feel the same for him still? Were you just as excited as you were so many years ago to finally be together?

Shoto heard the clicks of shoes on the wooden floor, a man with the straightest back he had ever seen standing proudly at the steps of the stairs.The man took a deep breath, his voice traveling through the room as he announced your arrival to the group of travelers. 

Yet Shoto didnt hear a single word he said- he was enraptured by your beauty. You had seemed to turn into a fine young woman since he had last seen you, your curves accentuated by the tightness of your gown, the blue complimenting you perfectly. Your hair flowed in soft ringlets on your back, the pearls in your hair like stars. You were an angel blessed to this planet- an angel he was destined to marry.

The only thing that was worrying him was your expression- he had expected you to seem so much more lively, welcoming the bright smile you would always give him when you saw him. But now, your face was gone of any warmth, looking almost numb to the situation as you looked down at the group.

You traveled down the stairs, hating the way your name sounded in the announcer's voice. This was all so cliche- the Prince comes from a quest, and there is the Princess, simply a prize for his hardwork. A trophy of sorts for doing a good deed. Why did it have to be this why? Why couldnt you feel anything? The world had felt so cold for so long, feeling trapped due to the lack of control you had. Everything had seemed to loose its splendor and color, your vision for weeks turning gray in sadness-

Until you saw him.

The ash blonde boy, his hair unruly and his eyes a bright red like blood. He was clad in strange clothes, like a barbarian, his chest completely open and showcasing his taut muscles. You were intrigued by him- you had only seen likes of him in books and stories you read. He was so different, so menacing, and you wanted to know more. He was the only thing you could focus on, not taking any time to look at the others in the group, including Shoto.

Shoto was the first to reach you, unafraid to approach you like the rest of the group as you reached the bottom of the steps.

“Y/n-” he said, his voice deep and airy, “you look-wonderful.”

You gave him a small smile, but it made his heart sink- you didnt look happy at all. It seemed forced, far from the bright grins you used to send his way all the time.

“As do you, Shoto. You look quite different from when we last saw each other.”

You quickly turned your attention away from him, focusing on his new comrades instead.

 “I assume these are the young heroes that accompanied you on your journey?”

“Y-yes!” the young boy with the unruly green hair stuttered, nervously bowing his head. He was quite adorable in a way, his small stature and freckles dusted on his cheeks giving him a child-like quality (even though he was most likely your age). “My name is Izuku Midoriya!”

You gave a reassuring smile to the young boy, trying to make him feel comfortable.

 “It is wonderful to meet you Izuku.”

You began to walk towards the girl know, her pointy yet colorful hat signaling that she was a light witch, a sorceress who used your powers for good.

The girl shimmied in her dusty boots, clearly as nervous as the boy. She lifted the corners of her cloth dress, bowing slightly. 

“My name is Ochaco Uraraka, your highness,” she smiled sweetly, her cheeks dusted in a pinky glow.

“Ochaco…” you mused over the name, its sound foregin yet light on your tongue, “you are a light witch, I assume?”

“Yes, yes I am!” the girl practically squealed, relief seemingly flooding her face. ‘How did you know?”

You giggled a her amazement at you, completely unaware apparently that she had the most witch-like outfit you had ever seen.

“A lucky guess,” you shrugged your shoulders playfully as you began to walk again, your heart beginning to race as you edged toward the barbarian.

You stopped in front of the man, his stature a head taller than yours. You eyes looked slightly up at him, your cheeks reddening- he was much more handsome up close, his rugged features making you feel breathless. He un-apologetically judged you with his vermilion eyes, looking you up and down with scorn.

Why did you find that so attractive?

“And you are-” 

“My name is Bakugo.” he instantly interrupted you, his voice deep and velevty like syrup, “thats all you need to know.”

“Bakugo?” Your brain searched for any name similar to that, but found none- this boy was definitely a foreigner, most likely from far off lands you could only dream of. You had no idea why he followed Shoto back to the kingdom, but you were happy he did- he was definitely a sight for sore eyes.

“A warrior, I assume by your garments,” you nodded, your eyes trailing to his torso “and by the looks of your scars, an experienced one.”

He scoffed at your observations, his eyes rolling in his sockets.

“For a princess, your eyes wander a damn lot. But yeah- Im hella of a good warrior. Best in the kingdoms.”

You cocked an eyebrow at his language, your cheeks red  by his comment. He was so unapologetic and rude, yet- it was intoxicating to you. 

“I’m glad to here that.”

Shoto was eyeing you sadly the whole time- what was so different between you two? Why did you seem so welcoming to the others but so distant to him? His face began to turn red with fury as he watched you interact with Bakugo, the way Bakugo insulted you so plainly and cockily making him want to yell. He watched as your face had light up for just a moment when you spoke with him, something Shoto didn't get the luxury to experience. 

He also noticed what Bakugo had vocalized- you eyes did wander when you looked at him. Shoto at first tried to rationalize that you were simply being curious, since Bakugo was definitely a strange sight for you, but the way your cheeks blushed and you smiled so warmly at him made him think otherwise.

 What did you see in that barbarian that you didnt with Shoto? 

You looked again at the odd group, taking a deep breath through your lungs.

“I want to congratulate you all for your successful quest,” you began, the lines slightly rehearsed, “and as thanks from my father for bringing back Prince Shoto, he would like to welcome you all for dinner tonight. We  would love to hear all about your journey then,” you then snuck one last look at Bakugo, his eyes boaring into yours. It was making you feel a warmth inside that you had thought long ceased.

You instantly looked down at your hands, your cheeks feeling hot. You knew this was wrong- you shouldn't feel smitten for any other boy, especially this warrior, yet you couldnt help it- you were entranced by his resilience and the freedom he had, something you could only dream of. 

“If youll excuse me, I have - things to attend to. It was a pleasure to see you all” you gave the group a tight smile, turning your back quickly from the group to follow your handmaiden back to your quarters.

Shoto watched you until you were gone, his heart beating painfully. He wished he could run up to you, grab you by your wrist and ask you what was the matter. It was still him, your friend for all those years, and you were still you, his love and his best friend. Were you beginning to forget, like he did? He felt his stomach drop painfully at the idea- he would ask you, tonight. He would figure out what had happened between you two, and fix it.

--------------

You were now at dinner, sitting stiffly as you moved your food around your plate, your tight corset making you feel un-hungry. All night you had been detached and quiet, feeling almost sick by your surroundings. Your father was overly outgoing to the guest,giving you side-eyed glances and trying to enter you in the conversation. You would simply smile and nod, occasionally throwing in a comment before returning to squishing your food between your utensils.

The only time you ever seemed interested was when Bakugo would speak. His comments were all snarky and rude, completely self centered about how strong or intelligent he was.

 He was constantly proving his worth throughout the dinner, taking over the story of their journey when he saw fit, making sure everyone knew he was the most capable one of the group. It was obscene, his remarks, his language, even his personality, but- you were intrigued by it. The only person he had to listen to was himself. It was so intoxicating to watch him talk, to hear what other remarks would leave his mouth. Whenever he spoke, you stood up a little straighter, taking time to take in any information he gave about himself and immortalize it  into your brain.

Shoto had felt awkward the whole meal, not knowing how to gauge your emotions. You seemed so distant, as if a stranger was sitting next to him. He wished he could enter your mind, detangle all the emotions and thoughts that were keeping you from being yourself around him. There was no laughter, no genuine smiles, no happiness came from you. This bothered him- you were usually so cheerful. His nervousness was eating the inside of his stomach, as his mind still couldn't figure out how to approach you after dinner.

“-and the wedding will be a three day celebration, full of festivities,” your father continued boisterously, his voice booming embarrassingly around the room, “Shoto and y/n will be the main attention, of course, over 200 noblemen will see them share vows-”

The sound of your chair pushing away echoed throughout the dining hall, making the whole group look to you. You cleared your throat delicately, a hand resting on your chest.

“Excuse me for my rudeness, but Im feeling- unwell,” you sighed a quick smile.

“Are you alright, do I need to-” the king asked, his eyes full of concern as you shook of his worries.

“Oh no, Im completely fine- just a headache,” you gave a pained smile, “I hope you all enjoy the rest of the meal.”

Shoto watched you walk away, desperate to make sure he knew which way you went in this large castle. He instantly pushed away from the table as well, rising quietly. 

“I- uh-am full, thank you for the meal,” he bowed to the King slightly, placing his napkin on his plate as he rushed out, confusing the group that was left.

Izuku and Ochaco looked at each other, their cheeks red with embarrassment and shock as they looked at Bakugo, who was clearly not bothered by the disturbance. Ochaco then looked at the king, who was clearly confused by the whole ordeal, as an awkward air lay heavy on the table.

Ochaco hastily took a large bite from her plate, filling her mouth with food- “MMMMMM!” she exaggerated, trying to start up conversation again, “I LOVE the ham!” 

------------

Shoto ran around the castle, looking through every corridor and door, searching for you.His head was racing, trying to organize his thoughts in his minds. He needed to figure out how to speak to you- should he act normal, like nothing was wrong? Should he be formal and see how that went? Angry? Upset? He didnt know how to approach you, but he knew he had to do it.

 He finally saw your gown turn an empty hallway, his feet picking up pace. He quickly was able to catch up once he could pin point your location, his hand wrapping around your wrist in order to stop you. 

 You felt slender,cool fingers wrap around your skin, making your body run cold. You instantly jumped by the sudden touch, all breath leaving your body as you turned around quickly.

Your wide eyes met the mix matched orbs of Shoto, a small pang of annoyance filling your body from getting so scared.

“Shoto,” you replied breathlessly, slightly happy though it was only him and not somebody else that had grabbed you.

“I-uh-y/n,” he replied back, his mind going blank.

He let go of your wrists, his hands resting at the side of his body. “I-Im sorry to scare you like that,” he apologized, “I just- wanted to speak to you. If you’ll let me.”

You looked at the boy, his eyes now averting yours, probably from nerves. You decided to listen, turning your body to him. 

“Apology accepted,” you said plainly, “What did you want to speak about?”

Shoto drew a blank- what did he want to talk about? He loved hearing your voice, finally only reserved for him, but yet you seemed preoccupied. Distant. Like you were on another world and not truly there with him.

He stared at you lightly, looking extremely conflicted. “I-I wanted to talk to you about what happened while I was gone.”

“You explained quite plainly what happened on your journey,” you replied, clearly not in the mood to talk, “I applaud you for your bravery, it must have been quite a difficult journey-” you gave him a small bow, your eyes gone of any warmth. “I really must go to bed, Im sorry, but i do feel-”

You began to walk away again, Shoto desperate to keep you near him. He walked in font you, blocking your path.

“You didnt here me correctly-” he changed his wording this time, trying to be as specific as possible. “I want to know what happened to you while I was gone.”

You eyebrows turned down in confusion. “What are you trying to say Shoto?”

He swallowed, trying to clear his dry throat as he licked his lips, conflicted. 

“You seem-different.”

“Its been a year and a half since I last saw you, Shoto,” you reasoned, “of course Ill be different.”

“Yes, but-” he paused, “youre too different. Youre not the same y/n I knew.”

“Why? Because Im not following you around like a love sick puppy?” Annoyance began to bubble inside, feeling attacked by Shoto’s words. “Because I finally got over the fact you didnt love me ? You dont have to pretend Shoto, I know full well you only see me as a nuisance.”

Shock flooded Shoto’s system as your icy words pierced his skin. What happened to you? Yes, he was rude to you before he left, but he didnt feel like that anymore. That was a simple phase, were you going to define him by that?

“I dont see you as a nuisance, y/n.”

“Really?” you scoffed at his words. “then tell me why your father had to go out to find you twice before you finally decided to come back?”

“I made a promise to my friends. I had to finish my quest before-”

“You had a promise to me, Shoto!” you yelled exasperatedly, your heart bursting with hurt. “To your family! To my family! Our people! What was so much more important than that?”

“I was so worried about you Shoto, terrified for you. Those first few months I couldnt think of anything but you.” You were beginning to reveal a lot, too much, but the emotions, the hurt, the anger, was flooding out of you like a broken dam and you couldn't stop it. 

“But then I realized that you didnt care for me. You thought I didn't notice how you gave me the cold shoulder those last few months? How you ignored me,  only gave me quick answers, acted as if I was just a pest following you around? I remembered all of it, and then I realized- you left because of me.”

“You left because of me, didn't you, Shoto?” your voice was harsh and crude like metal, stabbing into Shoto’s conscience.

He stayed silent- how could he say anything back? Your words were making him feel small and foolish- he should have known that you would have noticed his change in demeanor, just as he noticed yours.

You smiled painfully at his silence, feeling a fresh cut of pain slash inside you. “I knew it.”

“Y/n, I-” There was so much he wanted to say, things he wanted to take back. He didnt want this meeting to go like this- with you even more distant to him. Out of all the possible outcomes, this had to be the worst one. 

“Dont even try to backtrack Shoto, I know the truth now,you just confirmed it.”

He knew he was less than kind to you before he left, but know it wasnt like that anymore. Why were you so angry?

“Fine-yes-I left, and it wasnt right,” he admitted, his voice deep, “but Im back. Why are you putting my old self against me now?”

“Because I couldn't for the year and half you were gone! I-I loved you Shoto, and you-”

“You dont love me anymore?” Shoto looked down at you sadly, his eyes full of sorrow. It felt like his heart was breaking in two, the way those words spilled out your mouth so easily making it sting even more.

You swallowed, filling a pit grow in your chest. Everything felt so cold, so empty. This was your best friend- why couldn't you just be nice to him? You thought you had gotten over all this.

“You dont love me-so  why should I love you?” your voice was barely a whisper, cold and empty in the frigid hallway.

Shoto stared down at you, his voice caught in his throat. Did you really believe that? That he didnt love you?You had been friends since children- you really thought all those times, all those days you played together, were all fake? Who even were you?

“I just want you to know,” you spoke, your voice monotone and  icy,” Im not doing this for my father, or your father, or even you. Im doing this for my people and thats it.”

“It” meaning the wedding.

Tears began to prickle your lashline, confusion flooding your numb body as you began to walk away from Shoto- 

you hadnt cried in what seemed like forever. 

Why were you now? 

“Y/n, please, can we just talk-” he tried to reason, harsh with desperation. 

“No.” your voice was plain in its tone that you were done with the conversation.

 “Im just curious Shoto- why did you come back? Because if I had the luxury to have all that freedom, to be free for once- I wouldnt.”

Shoto’s heart felt broken  as he watched you walk away, your dress ruffling as you continued on your path. He felt defeated, confused, even angry- what had happened to you since he had been gone? Did you really hate him that much? What did you mean you had no freedom? More questions flooded his mind than what were answered, but he now knew one thing- you didnt want anything to do with him.

As Shoto’s was returning to his corrdiors sadly, you were lost in thought, just feeling- empty. You didnt feel sad, or angry, or even spitefu anymorel. Just- numb to the world. You could walk for miles and miles it seemed and you wouldnt feel a thing. 

Why was that? Why were so mean to your long lost firend? You should be hugging him from happiness and relief-not meeting him with coldness and hate. 

As you were lost in thought, you didn't even notice yourself running into a person. Your hand instantly reached out, meeting soft yet rough skin. You looked up in confusion ,and your breath hitch- it was the barbairan, his vermilion eyes like rubies as he stared down at you in scorn.

“Oi, watch were your going you damn princess,” he scolded,pushing you off him gently. You stumbled slightly, trying to get your footing right- you had run in to him, you had even touched him. If you were feeling alright, and if the circumstances were different, you could practically squeal. “Youre gonna hurt someone.”

“Did I hurt you?”  

He scoffed at your comment. “Like you could ever hurt me,” his voice was deep and velvety, his comment sending shocwaves into your system. The reply was prideful, yet it could have been- sweet. Kind, in a way in a different light- maybe he meant it like that?

“How do you know that?” you blurted out, a small smirk crawling across your lips.

You just wanted him to talk more, to hear that velvety voice directed towards you- but you were close to flirting with him. What were you doing? What was going on with you? 

One second you were chewing out your life time friend weeks before your wedding, and now you were being smitten with a random man you didn't even know.

He chuckled slightly, his canines glinting. “Your a fucking handful, arentcha?”

He eyed your wobbling feet, as you still were finding your footing slightly.

“You clearly cant walk right-you feeling fine, because Im not gonna be the one who carries you-”

“No, no , Im fine.” you reassured, your cheeks rosy. ‘Thank you for catching me.”

“Youre the one who ran into me.”

“You could have just pushed me off though, you seem like the type to do that,” you gave him a cheeky grin, it disappearing when you heard a slight growl come form him.

“The hell you mean princess?” he was trying to be menacing, but you could tell there was something behind it- he was curious. You loved how he called you “princess”, making it sound like a pet name than  a title.

“Your a lone wolf, are you not? You are strong, independent, free-” you began to list off, your eyes focusing on his, “you follow your own code and beliefs”

“Damn right I do,” he agreed, your heart soaring that he looked so proud of you for describing him so perfectly. “-which is why Im confused as hell that half-and-half prince is allowing himself to get married.”

Ouch.

The small amount of hope that Bakugo seemed to like  you had quickly got destroyed, feeling hurt flood your body. You quickly tried to shake it off, so Bakugo couldn't see it on your face.

“What he even want to talk to you about anyway?” The boy shifted in his stance, his muscles moving with his movements.

You gulped, guilt filling your body- Shoto, the one who had just fought with. You couldnt tell this boy what had happened- that was private, and really, it was embarrassing.

“Just-uh-about-” you stammered, your cheeks red as you searched for a lie.

“Ugh, let me guess, you two were trading spit werent you?” he interrupted in disgust, taking your red cheeks as a sign you two were doing something unholy in the hallway. 

You swallowed, licking your lips as you gave him a tight lipped smile. You were just going to follow along with Bakugo’s line of reasoning- you didnt have any other better ideas. 

 “Y-yep, just- please dont tell anyone?” 

He gave a bitter laugh, his voice booming against your ears. “You guys cant get dirty? I guess that makes sense, since you all our royalty, cant be having any scandals-”

“Do you promise?” you rushed him, now feeling uncomfortable- if anybody heard you and Shoto were kissing in the hallway, and you two were really arguing-

“Yeah, dont worry princess, youre secrets safe with me.” 

You sighed a breath of relief, feeling your heart jump at the smirk the boy sent your way.

“Thank you- I- uh- best be going now,” you stammered, rushing past the warrior, “have a nice night Bakugo.”

You rushed to your room, your heart feeling on fire. Your hands were shaking, your mid racing- all you could think about was that boy. Your world had seemed so dark, until he showed up. His rude responses, his chaotic personality, his snarkiness, that overly prideful speech, his freedom- it was so intoxicating to you. You felt your heart pumping against your chest- you hadn't felt this alive in so long.

You suddenly felt very sick, your head feeling drowsy- maybe you were actually catching something, and thats why you were acting so strange? You were gasping for breath it seemed, your corset making it hard to breath. I felt like something was tightening around your chest, small prods poking into you from the inside- it was a strange sensation, one you did not welcome in the slightest. You stumbled to your bed, holding on to the post as your lungs felt tight with no air, liking something was blocking your passageway. Coughs began to erupt out of you, wracking your body until you finally felt you could breathe. You sucked in a deep breath, welcoming the sweet night air, your chest still feeling tight. You looked down at the ground, trying to slow your stammering heart, until your eyes feel upon something new- a single white petal, resting softly on the ground.

------------

After that night, You became obsessed with this boy, learning bits and pieces from him though conversation you had overheard from Shoto’s friends and workers inside the castle. You learned he was from an extremely far off land, past even the Mountains, which surprised you. He lived alone, and apparently had a dragon as well. He had  gotten in many fights due to his overly prideful personality, which was why he had so many scars decorating his taut body. Your handmaidens seemed to look at him with annoyance, saying he refused to wear anything “civilized” and would plainly cuss them out if they even set foot in his room to clean.

You knew he had a softer side though- he had kept your “secret” safe, right? You heard nothing around the castle about any make-out session or argument between you and Shoto. That little act made you feel special in someway- maybe he had a soft side for you?

Whenever you would feel yourself getting sucked into the sadness of planning your wedding, you’d think of fantasies with that barbarian boy. Him taking you in the middle of night, taking you far away from this place. His hands placed around your waist, that snarky smile looking down at you again.

 Seeing him walk around the castle grew a desperation and love in your body, watching his handsome face stare around the rooms, his voice loud and prideful- you wished he could look your way, acknowledge you again. His vermillion eyes sent fire into your soul whenever you closed his eyes, his face being a beacon of warmth in your life.

Yet that beacon of life was killing you from the inside- every day and every night you fantasized about Bakugo, the sickness taking over you grew worse and worse. The closer you got to your wedding day, the worse it felt, the vines inside you prickling at your soft organs. They were growing, you felt it, as you coughed up more and more petals. 

For a few days you had no idea what was going on, fear striking you as you wondered if you should ask to see a doctor. But you decided to do your own research, scourging through books until you found your sickness: Hanahaki. The the mythical disease for unrequited love. It was quite rare, but it came to the most lonely, delusional, and desperate of lovers.

 It made sense, really- it all started when you talked to Bakugo, after falling in his arms. It hurt he didnt love you back- but why should he? One run-in shouldn't make people fall in love with each other, but somehow it made you. You welcomed the pain alittle, as it was a reminder you still had some feeling other than emptiness inside you. It also terrfiied you- you were supposed to be in love with Shoto, not some barbarian from a far off land you barely spoke to.

  How had this happened, how could you let this happen?

Even if you did tell others you had Hanahaki, they would point the finger at Shoto, calling him cold and callous for not loving you. You were the one who was the cold one, pushing your old friend away. Even if you felt some residue of anger for him, you wouldn't put him through that- he didn't deserve it. You let this disease do its course- if it went away youd be freed, knowing that Bakugo loved you back, and if not- well, you’d figure that out when you got there.

You had barely talked to Shoto or even noticed him since that night, not realizing the amount of worry he felt towards you. Everyday that went by he noticed how sick you looked, your skin paling and you eyes losing any life. Every cough you tried to hold back he noticed and it rang in his ear like a terrible siren- there was something wrong with you.It ate at his insides, his fear of you pushing him away again making him scared to ask what was wrong.

------------

It was now the night before you wedding and you were feeling less than hopeful. You were supposed to be lively and happy, as your father had thrown a party to celebrate the events of the next day, yet you had no energy left in you to dance or socialize. You stayed in a dark corner, trying your best to blend in and not be noticed.

 The coughs were not leaving, and it felt like your chest was being constricted until you could barely breathe. The annoying tickle of a cough was constantly at the back of your throat, as you tried to keep the petals at bay. You were miserable.

“Princess, are you doing alright, you seem a little- pale? Do you need some water, or maybe fresh air,” the young witch Ochaco approached you, her rosy cheeks and bright eyes looking at you.

“Hello, Ochaco,” you greeted, your smile strained, “you know-fresh air would be nice.”

The sweet girl smiled at you, gingerly taking you by the crook of your elbow and out of the ballroom. The fresh air was rather nice, soothing your hurting brain and your sore lungs. You two walked in silence for a while, enjoying each other’s company. Your mind was shifting around, thinking about Shoto and what would happen tomorrow. It hurt too much, though- you still were both not at speaking terms, and now you had to be promised to each other for eternity. The thought made your throat itch even more, and instead, you  switched to own of your many fantasies of Bakugo that brought you some comfort.

“So, how are you feeling? Nervous, excited, scared?” Ochaco asked gingerly

“About what?” you asked, looking at her with curiosity

“Uh,um-your wedding,” she giggled nervously, her cheeks growing red again. 

Oh-you cursed yourself for getting to invested in your fantasy, feeling embarrassed for thinking of Bakugo and not about Shoto.

You really didnt know how to answer her question-You felt yourself dreading it-how could you tell her that? But you didnt want to lie to her- lying to her would be practically evil, like giving a child a promise and not fulfilling it.

“Its expected of me to marry him,” you reasoned out carefully, “Ive been thinking of this day since I was a child.”

She gaped out you in awe. “Really?That early? In your kingdoms is it a tradition to marry from each other’s kingdoms?”

You gave her a wihsful smile. “Actually- no, it isnt. We’re the first ones.”

Her brown bob fluttered against her cheeks, her eyes staring up at you in confusion.

“I-if you dont mind me asking,” she asked nervously, “why is that?”

You sighed, giving her a small smile.

“Its kind of a long story….”

------------

“Long ago our two kingdoms began to quarrel against one another. But that happened years back- we still continued to fight against each other, and quite frankly, we forgot about why. We just knew we hated each other and wanted to see the other fail. My father had always said to me that my mother wished for her children to be born in a peaceful kingdom, yet my father’s pride prevented that from coming true for her.

“Until the day I was born- my mother, sadly, died while giving birth to me. My father now had no queen, and really, no future ruler, since I am a girl and only men can become ruler in my kingdom. In his grief, he began to feel sympathetic, I suppose- he knew King Todoroki had a young boy who was barely turning 4, and my father got an idea. He travelled to his kingdom, and somehow was able to talk King Todoroki into an agreement.” 

“In order to end the suffering of our two kingdoms, Shoto and I would marry once I turn 18, in which would bind our kingdoms forever in peace, with Shoto as ruling over both.”

Ochaco breathed out a large sigh, giving you a conflicted expression.

“So-thats why you two are getting married? Its arranged?”

You looked at her in confusion-“Didnt-Shoto tell you that? I thought Bakugo at least knew-” 

“Bakugo?” Ochaco blinked a few times, clearly puzzled. “Bakugo just thought it was quite, well, wierd Shoto was getting married- Bakugo is just a lone wolf who cant understand love I guess-”

You strangely felt angry at her words- how could she even say that about him? Yes, he was cold and callous at times, but how could she know he couldn't at least love? You knew he had to at least have some way of having feelings for another person, you had to at least hope for that-

“-it must be why he left last night,”

You stopped in your tracks, feeling a ton of bricks pound into your chest. 

“He-he left?

“Um yeah! Something about being ‘bored waiting around for a stupid’- oh my gosh, y/n are you alright!?” 

You were coughing up quite alot, your lungs dry and painful as your heart tore in two. He-he left. Without you. Without even a goodbye. 

After all that daydreaming, all that hope, that dedication to him, hoping he would notice you- he left. He never loved you, and you knew it- you were just so desperate for someone to take you, to teach you how to be free. 

You wanted him to teach you, to see potential in you that you could be just as defiant to the world as him. 

Uraraka wrapped her slender arms around your body, patting your back softly to help you rid your body of whatever had attacked you. It was taking everything in you to not let a single petal fall out, the itching in the back your neck unbearable as your heart beat agonizingly against horribly. 

You felt a few silky petals slip out of your mouth, soft against your dry tongue. Miraculously, Uraraka didn't suspect a thing- most likely from the darkness she couldn't see the disease overtaking you.

You gulped desperately for air, finally getting a hold on your lungs. 

“I-Im fine,” you panted out, raising from the floor on shaky knees. “Thank you”

Urarka gave you a pointed look, clearly not convinced. “Of course, but are you sure? Do you need water, or maybe I should get Shoto-”

“No!” you yelled out, covering your mouth in case of another attack.

You felt a little guilty for yelling at Uraraka so harshly, her wide eyes looking at you in shock-you just couldnt bear seeing Shoto when you were grieving over a lover that was never yours- and apparently dying from it too. 

“No, Im fine, really,” you said more calmly, trying to be reassuring, “lets, just- walk back, if thats okay-”

“Yes of course! Ill walk you to your room, just in case you get sick again-”

You two walked in silence again, you mulling over your broken heart as Uraraka watched you in worry. You two passed the ballroom, everyone seemingly enjoying themselves and not noticing you two as you lead the way to your room. 

You stepped up to the door, your hand grasping the doorknob until you paused, a question entering your mind. You were still confused why Uraraka said she didnt know your marriage was arranged-you would have expected Shoto to have told his group after saying he was getting married. 

Was he embarrassed by it, that he was marrying you?

“You said you were surprised to here our marriage was arranged,” you asked quietly, “Shoto never told you?”

Uraraka shuffled in her pink boots, her shoulder hunched close to her chin.

“He-uh-no,” she breathed out, “he said he made a promise to marry a girl he loved.”

-------------------

Morning. 

Daylight.

Wedding.

You should be feeling happy, excited, optmistic-you had been imagining this day since you were a child. But now, all you could feel was a coldness you couldnt seem to shake off- after your talk with Uraraka last night, you felt so confused.

The person you “loved” had never loved you, leaving you sick and hurt.

The person who did love you, you most likely pushed away to the point where they didnt love you anymore.

You couldnt even understand your emotions yourself. All night your sickness wouldnt leave your poor lungs alone, making you cough uncontrollably all night, the petals piling up around you.

You wouldn't allow anyone to see you in the morning, snatching your wedding dress from your hand maidens and putting in yourself. You fixed yourself up, trying to make yourself look as lively as possible, but it seemed impossible- you felt too empty inside to really put your heart into it.

Another round of coughs attacked your chest, a single petal dribbling out of your mouth, along with a speckle of blood. It dripped on the inner folds of your creamy white dress- easily disguisable if you made sure it was covered- yet it made you begin to cry.

What was going on? Why did you have to do this? Why were you still sick?  

Your knees hit the cold floor, wave after wave of tears and coughs struck your body in a terrible symphony, the petals piling up on your dress. 

You couldnt take it anymore- this sickness was going to have to take you, because you had no energy left to fight it anymore.

You felt a knocking on your door, the sounds harsh against your temple. You sniffled, one last cough feebily spilling out of your bloodied lips.

“Go away-I promise Ill be out soon-” you began sadly, until you heard the door swing open.

You looked up, your face in shock as you did not lock eyes with your handmaiden, but with Shoto’s.

He looked around the floor, noticing the bloody petals, his face completely torn-he knew what was going on.

Shoto stared down at you, his eyes boaring into yours-he knew something was wrong with you. He had came by your room in hopes of fixing your relationship before speaking your vows, working up the courage until he heard you crying. No matter what was between you two, he wouldnt let you go through pain by yourself.

Now he watching you cough up your life, those sickly petals flowing out of you, each one taking a toll on your body.

He gasped out your name, the words like honey as he sat next to you on the floor. You looked so beautiful in that white gown, like an angel from heaven. 

But the paleness of your skin, the bags like bruises under your eyes, the blood on your lips- it all reminded him that you were human, and you were hurting inside. He reached for your hand, his fingers grazing your skin-so cold- but you pulled it away quickly.

“Please, dont Shoto-” you whispered hoarsely, “Im-”

Another wave of coughs wracked at your chest, this time the rasps painful against your chest as the vines squeezed. 

Shoto didnt know what to do- how could he help you? There wasn't anything he could do to help, except watch his best friend and love slowly cough her life away. A few petals cascaded out of your mouth, adding to the piles as you heaved air back into your lungs, your knuckles white.

“How, how could you keep this from me?” he asked sadly, ignoring your pleas and pulling you into his lap.

You felt how warm he was, and realized- he did love you. He had been there for you as a child, and he was here for you now, comforting you in your worst moment.

Your heart felt like it was exploding as tears cascading down your face, salty and warm against your skin.

“How-how could I Shoto?” I shuldnt have been so mean to you,” you sobbed, “Im so sorry, so sorry, this is all my fault-”

“Please, no, dont be sorry,” he said softly, his arms cradling your body, “we both have our own faults. I shouldnt have left you for so long, and Im sorry for that, I-” he gulped, his heart beating harshly against his chest.

“I-I do love you,y/n, I do.”

You picked up your head, forcing yourself to look at him- he was so handsome, his mix matched eyes softly looking down at you- he was still the little boy you knew from a child, though, always so calm and sweet.

“I know, Shoto, I just, I-” you gulped, fighting to keep the coughs and sobs at bay.

He sighed, feeling his heart sink. 

“You loved Bakugo, didnt you? Thats why,” he motioned to the petals, “this is happening to you.”

You gave him a shocked look, your eyes wide and glassy. You forgot how observant Shoto could be- you felt your cheeks grow red, realizing now he must have known by the way you stared so much at Bakugo.

“Was-it that noticebale?”

“Y/n,” he sighed, his chest feeling heavy, “very.”

You giggled at his remark, feeling strange for laughing for once. But Shoto was so abrupt with his words, it always made you laugh at his remarks.

 Shoto’s heart soared at your laugh, the sound like chimes against his ears. It died down, the room quickly feeling closed in again.

“I just dont want to do this. I-I want to be friends again. To figure out who were are, without us being forced to be with each other.” you sighed, your heart rattling against your chest. “ I-I want to be with you and marry you- when we decide. Not my father, or your father- I want to be free to choose.”  

You turned to Shoto, your hands touching his cheek.

“I-I did love you-and I still do-Im just so confused, and trapped, and-”

“You just want to be your own person,” he finished your sentence, his voice so much stronger than yours.

He looked down at you, his face surprisingly smiling.

“I think I may have arranged that,”

You jumped up, your face in shock. “H-how? Tell me!” you squealed, not unilke a child, your eyes wide with anticipation.

Shoto grinned at your face, loving how excited you could get so quickly.

“Do you remember my oldest brother?” he asked

“Of course I remember Natsuo! He was always so kind to me as a child,” you reminenscenced, “but how is he going to help us?”

“Well, as it turns out, I spoke to our fathers and my older brother,” he said, a small grin on his face, “they agreed that my brother could rule both kingdoms in my place. By himself, and my sister will accompany him if he ever needs help.”

You sucked in a lung full of air, unable to believe what you had just heard-

 “So that means-”

“We are free to  do what we want now.” 

You yelled in happiness, happy tears cascading on your face as you wrapped his body around yours, “thank yous” spilling out of your lips.

Shoto hugged you back, smiling sadly- he had to admit, it was hard negotiating that new deal. After the night, that remark of how you didnt feel “free” stayed in his brain, haunting him until he found a solution. Knowing it would make you happy made it worth it- even if that meant you could leave him now. He loved you, but if that meant you could be happy with or without him, he would be content with the knowledge that you were finally able to be your own person.

“You can now be yourself,” he said sadly, his eyes staring down at the floor, “and even if that means you do not love me, I accept it. You dont have to feel guilty.”

You looked at the poor boy, his eyes shaded as his bi-colored locks cascaded onto his foreheads. You felt a warmth fill your chest, the sensation soothing and calming as the tightness in your lungs dissappeared. The tickling in your throat seemed to wane slightly. Your hand found his as his eyes instantly rose to meet yours.

“I wont feel guilty,” you smiled gently, “I want to be free- with you.”

Taggings: (if you want to be added, just shoot me an ask or a reply on this post and Ill add you on to my future fics!)

@freckledoriya​ @orokayagi​ @leeeah-loooser​

#bnha #bnha x reader #bnhabookclub #bnha au #bnha fantasy au #todoroki x reader #shouto x reader #todorki x reader #mha todoroki x reader #todoroki shouto #todoroki shoto x reader #shoto x reader #shoto #mha shoto x reader #mha shoto todoroki #bnha prince shoto x reader #prince shoto x reader #prince shoto x you #prince shoto x y/n