#coercivecontrol

[understandingclusterb-npd]

#abuse #toxic #narcissist #npd #gaslighting #bully #adulttempertantrums #aspd #betrayal #clusterb #coercivecontrol #cptsd #emotionalabusesurvivor #gaslight #lying #manipulation #narcissisticabusesyndrome #narcissists #projection #ptsd

[loboto-mae]

The Wolf

In 1970, an ecologist named David Mech published a book called “The Wolf: The Ecology and Behavior of an Endangered Species.” A book which catalogued all the information researchers had at the time on the worlds of wolves. A book that Mech himself would later spend the rest of his career trying to end the publication on. You see, Mech had mistakenly used research on wolves that were held in captivity, and found later that much of the assertions made in it did not hold up to scrutiny when observing wolves in the wild.

In the west we’ve heard, often to death, of the “Alpha Wolf.” We compare people to wolves quite a bit. Especially in the recent trend of armchair youtube “sociologists” and american conservative grifters attempting to explain human behavior in terms of so-called “Alphas” and “Betas,” a great many people still believe that humans, by nature, are pack animals with rigid heirarchies. Like the wolves in Mech’s research: The strongest, most fit male eats first while the weaker of the pack get what’s left over. The Alpha leads the pack, makes key decisions for them, and always has first pick of the mate. Mech’s research contained much of the information used to argue this point and it was inaccurate. Mech researched only wolves in captivity, however, when he took to observing wolves in the wild, he quickly realized how this view of captive animals was simply not how free creatures organize. A pack of wolves in the wild is a family; usually, two parent wolves with a litter of puppies. There’s no “Alpha” male, there’s a father. And the weakest pups certainly do not eat last, quite the contrary. This dynamic is more indicative of a community than a heirarchy.

In research such as this, we can infer that animals in captivity adopt new forms of social organization in order to cope with their incredibly narrowed freedom. Often this organization is inherited from the order they were bred from, forcing them to maintain it generation after generation.

Despite this false representation, I actually do believe people are like the wolves in Mech’s book. I believe that we are in captivity. One so coercive that it encourages us to believe in social heirarchies. We organize our worlds around it. We have our bosses, our landowners, our teachers, our leaders. We see each other as rungs of a social ladder to step on in order to make it to the next level. We either live believing we are or can be the “alpha wolf,” or we struggle accepting that we will only eat when it is our turn. And for what? Why allow our choices and passions be squandered by believing we must adhere to rules upheld by those who are superior in title only?

In my neighbors, my friends, my families, I see animals in a cage. I see a polar bear that shuffles back and forth all day in a bored frustration like an animatron. I see a whale with a melancholic song for a mate, though it has no room in its tank for itself let alone another. I see a panda that refuses to mate, lest it doom its child to a life too much like it’s own. I see a wolf that would want nothing more than to sprint as far as its breath can carry it to the far reaches of the forest it calls its home. Wishing only to be stopped, not by the glass of an enclosure, but by the limitations of its own, wild imagination.

We are not ranks in a social order. We are beings whose freedom has been withheld. We crave free community, free association.

"To look at people in capitalist society and conclude that human nature is egoism [greed and selfishness], is like looking at people in a factory where pollution is destroying their lungs and saying that it is human nature to cough," says Andrew Collier.

We are not free, we are captives. And attempting to learn the potential of an enclosure will get us nowhere closer to freedom. We can appreciate those who were able to conquer or cast aside that cage, like Emerson or Thoreau. And we can find a glimmer of hope beam into our enclosures from the minds that saw hope beyond the cage, like Goldman or Tolstoy. But until we can learn to band together as the wolves we are and break loose of our captivity, we can never truly be free.

mae

#stream of thoughts #thoughts #journal #journaling #capitalism #anarchism #anarchy #sociology #anti capitalism #freedom #coercivecontrol #anticiv #coercion #control #free association #nature #wolves #ecology #captivity #this swam around my head for weeks and needed to be put somewhere

[vizthedatum]

Differences between a boundary and a demand (disguised as an agreement or boundary) in a toxic relationship:

—

An example of a boundary: “please don’t raise your voice at me. If it happens, I will leave the conversation.”

Boundaries are all about access to you - they are personal.

—

An example of a coercive demand: “don’t share this piece of information (information about your mental or physical health, for example… or even something about your well-being) with other people.”

When someone is trying to tell you how to behave, then you must check in with your personal boundaries if you will consent.

Agreeing to a coercive demand without acknowledgment of your boundaries, especially if emotional/physical/financial pressures are used, is a type of fawning.

Coercive demands are when people are putting responsibility of their mental health onto you. It’s controlling.

Often when we are in trauma bonds or relationships with people who feel like they’re losing control over their life, they will impose control on you.

If you’re a people-pleaser or codependent, you may agree to such demands because you think you’re being kind - but please check in with yourself.

Is the request something you are okay with? Is it imposing on your personal boundaries or their personal boundaries?

#boundaries #agreements #requests #demands #coercion #healing #neurodivergence #trauma #love #queer #self love #prose #harm reduction #relational love #control #trust #toxic relationship #coercivecontrol #manipulation #people pleaser #codependency #this is extremely important to me as a polyamorous person #but also in monogamy or in other types of situations

[ex-cogtfi]

This is part two of a look at the context of the word “security” in the cult.

The Family International (formerly the Children of God and the Family of Love) have spent over 50 years avoiding prosecution for their crimes, conning donors, and developing and honing strategies to handle legal attacks and combat public criticism.

They’ve worked to create a carefully curated image of a wholesome missionary group, misunderstood by the public and maligned by detractors. Through setting up charitable fronts, befriending people with influence, and coaching members to practice the doctrine of “deceivers yet true”, TFI have attempted to publicly distance themselves from policies that resulted in the physical, sexual, and emotional abuse of children. TFI has been so successful in their rebranding campaigns and coverups that they were invited to perform at the White House during the administrations of two United States presidents.

Meanwhile, TFIs internal publications show that the cult’s leadership have no remorse for the harms they have and continue to cause. Internal documents by the current leader and co-founder Karen Zerby explicitly state that the cult still believes there is nothing inherently wrong with adult-child sex and adult-child sexual interactions.

(The content of these posts has been adapted and excerpted from articles on exfamily.org, especially “The Family - Official Policy on Lying & Deception”. Underlining is consistent with the original cult publications.)

#deception #cogtfisurvivors #cultsurvivor #karenzerby #davidberg #childrenofgod #thefamilyinternational #groupthink #coercivecontrol #indoctrination #cultpropaganda #freedomofmind #theinfluencecontinuum #theBITEModel #undueinfluence #gaslighting #trauma #igotout

[wisdomfish]

God may cause us but He will not coerce us (against our will) to be saved. All who are not saved have made a free will choice to not "make room for" His precious gift of repentance.

Precept Austin

#coercivecontrol #will #save the wilds #who #gift

[snapnarcissisticabuserecovery]

Someone I know wrote this. When I read it, the tears just flowed...this is so beautiful and so accurate. Thank you J.R.! You are a beautiful person inside and out. Your words are destined to show others they are not alone.

When the Cycle Ends

by J.R.

When the cycle ends

Where will she go

How will she heal

When will she know

That she’ll be ok

That the hurt will subside

That she will stand up

And again she can try.

When the cycle ends

How can she trust a soul

When it’s all been such pain

And taken more than a toll.

It’s wounded her in ways

She’s yet to understand

She feels broken and empty

This wasn’t the plan.

When the cycle ends

Who she was is no more

She is lost. She is less.

She is bruised, broken and sore.

When the cycle ends

She may spin out of control

Into sadness and madness

She won’t know her role.

She gave all she had

She kept trying though she knew.

She got hurt every time

There’s no more she can do.

When the cycle ends

Her heart will say please,

Give me a rest

Give me a reprieve.

A break from the hurt

Some time from the pain.

The fog needs to lift

To make way for the rain.

When the cycle ends

She will struggle to find

Her place in the world

Her need for some time.

But time isn’t slowing

Her heart isn’t mending

Her tears are not drying

The lies never ending.

When the cycle ends

She will deserve more

She always has but

Could not close the door.

She won’t know at first

She won’t know for so long.

She’s never known

But her time it will come.

A light will break through

One day she will mend

And all of her pain

It will come to an end.

When the cycle ends

And she is finally free

She will push through

She will heal. She will finally see.

She has so much to give

She is grace. She is fire.

She is wild. She is calm.

She has endless desire.

She has thoughts that are deep

She has a heart that is true.

Strength and forgiveness are

A part of her too.

When the cycle ends

Please Dear Girl,

Don’t you fall.

Don’t repeat the old patterns

Don’t you dare keep that wall.

Learn from your pain,

Continue to grow,

Love yourself first

And then you will know.

That you deserve love

You deserve light

It will be so tough

But put up one more fight.

Fight for yourself.

Fight for your little loves.

Fight for your heart

Then put down the gloves.

Please don’t give up.

Please try once more.

Please let him go.

Please close the door.

When the cycle ends

Let yourself cry

Let yourself hurt

And then say goodbye.

To what once was,

What you thought it would be.

To all of the parts of you

That he’d never see.

Let yourself feel.

Let yourself rage.

Then stand up with clear eyes

And break out of that cage.

When the cycle ends

Please don’t turn around.

It is time to let go.

You will find yourself now.

#narcissisticabuserecovery #narcissisticabuse #complex ptsd #cptsd recovery #reactive abuse #psychologicalabuse #coercivecontrol

[lettersfromstacylovell]

It’s 8:05am and I’ve already had two glasses of wine. I have therapy at 9:00am. I don’t feel as ashamed as I should be; “Hell, if alcohol gets me going in the morning, is it really any worse than drinking a huge Frappuccino full of sugar and cream and bad-for-you weight gainy things?” I ask myself.

Later on today I have a class I won’t go to, because depression and alcohol and ADHD and social anxiety and the fact that I haven’t actually completed an assignment in over a month. I tell myself: “You absolutely have time to finish everything by the end of the term! You just need the motivation! And if wine helps in the short-term, well…you can just deal with the dependence after you graduate.”

I can’t find my notebook I need for one of my classes anywhere. I suspect it’s at my partner’s house, but they say it’s not there. I need it to finish an assignment.

I don’t want to go to Thanksgiving with my partner’s family. I hate their family, and they don’t trust me. At least the family is full of alcoholics, so cocktails and wine always flow like…well, like wine.

I gained five more lbs from the alcohol. I feel fat and disgusting. I need to get back in the gym. “You don’t have time for the gym; you gotta study, baby girl,” I tell myself, and then stay home and lay on my bed, drinking, reading the ceiling instead of textbooks. Won’t be much longer before my partner tells me I’m “unfuckable” again, just like they say about how I was pre-weightloss.

Yeah, I know that’s not ok and I should leave the relationship. I can’t right now. Trust me, I’ve tried. And I’ll try again. “But not right now babygirl,” the voice in my brain soothes me, “just have one more glass.”

#diary #tw alcohol #tw alchoholism #tw depression #tw anxiety #tw abuse #coercivecontrol #tw eating issues #tw weight #tw substance abuse #mental health #depression #adhd #social anxiety

[lindsaynichols]

World, please read this #igotout post. THIS is what a warrior looks like. #Cults debase you. Most of us couldn’t fathom, let alone endure, the mental gymnastics required to leave. Overcoming every evil a #cult has told/done to you is nothing short of heroic. I hope Verity Carter knows how strong, beautiful, smart, AMAZING she is. I stand w/ all @ex-cogtfi Children of God/the Family International survivors.

#cult #igotout #children of god #the family international #cults #cogtfisurvivors #coercivecontrol #religious abuse

[maybebecomingms]

content/trigger warning!!!

***I will be describing non-consensual sex and the aftermath in this entry***

October 18th, 2007 was the first time I ever had sex.

What the fuck? Why do you remember this? I don’t know, man. I’m really good with dates. All kinds of ‘em; not just birthdays and anniversaries and death anniversaries.

Aside from that, it was exactly one month before my 21st birthday. That seems easy enough to remember?

I don’t remember much about the actual sex. I was on clonazepam (aka klonopin) at the time. I wasn’t “doing drugs,” so to speak; it was my prescription to take in case of emergency for panic attacks. I have one and a half clonazepam tablets in my purse right now. I have never taken clonazepam that wasn’t legally mine.

But they were dispensed more freely and in greater quantities in 2007, and I was anxious as HELL. He was coming to town from Michigan. We had a hotel room. I can’t even say he was my boyfriend; he was my “It’s Complicated” on Facebook. Is that even still a thing? We’d been kinda doing this thing for 6 months or so. He kept telling me that no self-respecting man would have ever waited this long, and if I wouldn’t get over myself and be ready soon, he’d have to move on and I’d probably be alone forever.

Oh, and I was 20 to his 27. 

So, if you don’t know about clonazepam, it’s a controlled substance and highly addictive. I save it for only the worst of mental health emergencies these days. I can’t drive when I take it. I sure as shit couldn’t consent to sex. But I took it; I don’t know if he even knew I took it. I'm the one who suggested having sex. I just wanted to get it over with so he’d shut up. He lived two states away, so I wouldn’t “have to” have sex again for a while.

Coercion is a funny thing. It’s 100% NOT consensual sex. It’s not rape, though, either. He didn’t force me. This distinction haunted me for years to come.

When I moved on and dated and later married a GoodChurchBoy™ nobody had language for coercion or consent. I was reminded time and time again that I had sinned by willingly having sex before marriage, a sin so great I didn’t deserve anything good ever again. Thankfully, my GoodChurchBoy™ made sure I knew he forgave me for “sinning against him” 3 years before we ever met. 

Such an egregious sin meant I couldn’t talk about it, either, or try to work through it. I should get over it and accept that this was my just punishment for having sinned so spectacularly. Natural consequences, baby. 

What happened after that was years and years and YEARS of getting too drunk to consent so that I could dissociate for “wifely duties.” To be fair, I don’t think he had any idea how intoxicated I was, either. I’d send him to bed first, say “I’ll be right there,” and shoot whatever liquor we had in the cupboard before joining him. I didn’t know any other way.��“You’re good at keeping up with maintenance fucking, but it’d be nice to feel desired sometimes,” was a frequent, sarcastic complaint.

Being sober and clearheaded and providing an “enthusiastic yes” and being present to enjoy myself instead of dissociating is still so new to me that I feel like I have emotional whiplash.

All this to say that I think I had my first ever, full-blown PTSD flashback around these issues today and it was absolutely fucking terrifying. I’ve been hesitant to claim a PTSD diagnosis until now, even after my therapist confirmed it. Yep, this is definitely a thing.

And I feel hungover and like today was just a lost day.

Wanna love ya Wanna bug ya Wanna squeeze ya Stupid girl Wanna touch ya Wanna take ya Wanna shut ya Stupid girl

#PTSD #c-ptsd #divorce #trauma #coercion #coercivecontrol #cold #stupid girl #i hate this song #but it's a banger #exvangelical #purity culture

[well-hello-hi]

Ive always felt like my parents kept using the healthcare industry to abuse me. Always getting diagnoses on my chart that i later had disproven. I have sooo many misdiagnoses. What the fuck. Sooo many reversed dignoses.

And then they were def the big driving force behind me dancing as a child and guilt shamed me when i quit. They were the big driving force behind me modeling. I liked modeling, but they were so obsessive and had so much control over me.

I just think they had a plan all along to get my diagnosed with shit as a way to take away my power of attorny over myself and then they would have power of attorney over me and then theyd legally be able to take all my assets. Maybe they wanted to put me in a britney spears type of conservatatorship..? I dont even know? It was all very fucking weird.

I think thats the reason why i NOW choose such shitty jobs. They cant take my assets if i dont have any. I hate being over 30 and still living with them. I hate that i still have no fucking control over who i hang out with, they bully me and emotionally abuse me if i tell them i saw so and so from highschool and had fun with them at the bar. They hate sooo many people and for no real reason.

Why do they police and control every job i do? Why do they police and control every human being i can and cannot be friends with? Im 30+ ans they still police and control my outfits. Its fucking creepy. Ive always thought there was something worse going on.

And they hate me and make my life miserable bcus im non compliant. I just dont get it. They hate me bcus i broke free. They sabotage my every career endeaver. They threatened to kill my cat if i joined the army.

Theyre obsession with me has been the elephant in the room my whole life. I want to start talking abt my weird creepy parents in the hopes that we can solve this. I just wana know if there is something worse going on bts that i still dont know abt..?

#i hate my parents #abuse #coercivecontrol #parental abuse #help me #fame industry #modeling industry #the industry #stage parents #stage mom

[understandingclusterb-npd]

#toxic #narcissist #npd #gaslighting #bully #adulttempertantrums #aspd #betrayal #clusterb #coercivecontrol

[adulting-figuring-it-out]

Breaking Free from Coercive Control. Reclaiming Independence and Empowerment

Coercive control is a form of psychological abuse characterized by manipulation, intimidation, and domination, often employed to exert power over another individual. This insidious form of control can permeate various aspects of a person's life, leaving them feeling trapped, helpless, and stripped of their autonomy. However, breaking free from coercive control is not only possible but essential for reclaiming one's independence and well-being.

Recognizing Coercive Control

Identifying coercive control can be challenging, as it often occurs gradually and subtly, making it difficult to recognize for both the victim and those around them. Some common tactics used by perpetrators of coercive control include:

Isolation: Restricting the victim's access to friends, family, and support networks, thereby increasing their dependence on the perpetrator.

Gaslighting: Manipulating the victim's perception of reality, making them doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

Intimidation: Using threats, both explicit and implicit, to instill fear and compliance in the victim.

Financial abuse: Controlling the victim's finances, restricting access to money, or sabotaging their employment opportunities.

Emotional manipulation: Employing guilt, shame, or other emotional tactics to maintain control over the victim.

Steps to Breaking Free

Breaking free from coercive control is a courageous and often challenging process, but it is achievable with the right support and resources. Here are some steps individuals can take to reclaim their independence and empower themselves:

Recognize the Abuse: Acknowledge that you are experiencing coercive control and understand that it is not your fault. Recognizing the signs of abuse is the first step towards breaking free from its grip.

Build a Support Network: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or professionals who can provide emotional support and guidance. Having a strong support network can be invaluable in navigating the complexities of leaving an abusive relationship.

Seek Professional Help: Consider seeking support from therapists, counselors, or support groups specializing in domestic violence and coercive control. These professionals can offer guidance, validation, and resources to help you break free from the cycle of abuse.

Safety Planning: Develop a safety plan to protect yourself in case of escalation or retaliation from the perpetrator. This may include identifying safe places to go, setting boundaries, and establishing a code word to alert others if you are in danger.

Legal Assistance: Consult with legal professionals who specialize in domestic violence law to explore options such as obtaining restraining orders, filing for divorce or separation, and pursuing criminal charges if necessary.

Financial Independence: Take steps towards financial independence by opening your own bank account, securing employment or accessing resources for financial assistance. Financial independence is crucial for breaking free from the economic constraints imposed by the perpetrator.

Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize self-care and prioritize your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy, practice self-compassion, and seek out opportunities for personal growth and healing.

Moving Forward

Breaking free from coercive control is a journey that requires courage, strength, and resilience. It may not be easy, and setbacks are common, but know that you are not alone and support is available. By recognizing the abuse, building a support network, seeking professional help, and taking proactive steps towards reclaiming your independence, you can break free from the cycle of coercive control and embark on a path towards empowerment and healing. Remember, you deserve to live a life free from fear and oppression, and reclaiming your autonomy is a powerful step towards that freedom.

Get additional info here Or ask a trusted friend to find local resources so you leave no digital traces on your devices.

#narcissistic abuse #coercion #coercivecontrol #coersion

[ex-cogtfi]

To close 2023, we're sharing this heartfelt poem by COG-TFI survivor E.S. @poetry_catharsis that traces the impact of psychological and emotional abuse inflicted upon children, the devastating repercussions, and the reclaiming and unlearning we choose as survivors. The choices we make each day to choose self love and freedom, to rewrite the messages ingrained in us. To take back what was stolen from us before we were born.

May 2024 be a year of continued healing and awareness, as we support survivors in telling their stories and healing, and shine a light on cults and cultic abuse.

#cogtfisurvivors #thefamilyinternational #childrenofgod #davidberg #karenzerby #cultsurvivor #coercivecontrol #emotionalabuse #childabuse #psychologicalabuse #trauma #traumarecovery #poetry #poem #cult #igotout

[coercivecontrolrecovery]

What sort of things are you in denial of?

TW: Domestic Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Coercive Control We all have things we believe are involuntary about ourselves. "I just react this way", or "I am who I am" can sound like pleas for people to understand our shortcomings and not especially problematic on the surface. Saying these things though can be insensitive, and often shift accountability. They are not harmless, and I'll tell you why... I am an abuser. I was in denial that I am abusing my wife. I would say things like "Because I'm not violent..." or "I'm only doing X because you did Y..." or literally sit there as if I was in deep thought while they were breaking down and make the whole thing about my thought process. Specifically, I perpetrate emotional coercive control, and I'm a narcissist.

And you'd never know it. Because I'm so good at lying, hiding it, avoiding responsibility and making my wife feel as though everything is her fault. But the truth is that I have cultivated a world where she exists without any self esteem, with a grip on reality I can shift in one sentence, where my lies and the truth are blurred. I have smothered her love of life, and recently she stopped playing into my tactics. So I got mad. I tried everything and she stood firm. So I went away one night and started to research, started to identify what was going on, what I was doing. And then I saw her the next morning and abused her again. My go to tactics that destabilise her are to turn a small issue she raises into a big one, to make my feelings bigger than hers, to play the victim, or change a small thing about something she's asked from me. I also react before sentences are finished, withold affection, say things that aren't true, say I'll do something I have no intention of doing, say things that are confusing or unclear to cause confusion and I also blow up. I get angry whenever she raises things that she's been begging that I do for 6 years as if she should just get over it. As if it's not her suffering? And then when she's destroyed, I soften, and I get her back with kindness, then I do it again. She has asked me repeatedly stop, and I don't. I don't feel as though I should care because she's my partner and this is her duty (fuck the patriarchy, hey). The thing about a lot of this I'm an aware person, learned and believe in feminism, equality, in women's rights, that abusers should be behind bars and victims should be believed. But this doesn't stop me from being a perpatrator. So between 2-6am on 22/2 after a particularly bad arguement about nothing really (most of them are just about destabilising things which I benefit from because it means she doesn't get to do what she wants to do) the work began. I'm writing this because I haven't found a single resource for abusers. Frankly we don't deserve them, we take up enough space in the world of the people we abuse. But in the case of someone like me, looking to break the cycle and not of means, I wanted to document what I was doing. One particular expert has stated that it's unlikely that abusers ever really change. When I look into the eyes of my wife, as much of a hypocrite as this makes me to say based on my actions, I want to stop. I want nothing more than to stop, live happily with her if she'll ever have me again, and not perpetuate or pass on this toxic, entitled bullshit that I've learned in my 36 years on this earth.

#coercivecontrol #domesticabuse #emotional abuse

[ex-depressed]

"You're not allowed to say no to gifts.

And if you say yes and accept them - you owe me. "

#coercivecontrol #gaslighting #mental health

[snapnarcissisticabuserecovery]

#narcissisticabuserecovery #narcissisticabuse #complex ptsd #cptsd recovery #psychologicalabuse #coercivecontrol