#disclaimer i do not know if the person in question is this is purely hypothetical but basically im saying its probably a bit of a stretch | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

harumybeloved · 2 years

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why is sanzu like that?

i’ll try my best to explain his behavior and some potential reasons behind his actions

no, he’s not a psychopath

no, i don’t think he has stockholm syndrome

no, it’s not bpd (imo)

i really hope this entire post makes sense (well if it doesn’t lmk)

welcome to my autistic sanzu agenda lol

disclaimer 1: i’m not really used to writing character analysis, i only know how to write random research papers for school so i apologize in advance lol pls forgive me but this post is probably going to sound like i’m rambling a lot + punctuation is my worst enemy

disclaimer 2: this post isn’t me diagnosing him with autism or any other disorder. it was never officially stated that sanzu is autistic. this is purely my own personal speculation + understanding of his character + some observations

disclaimer 3: i was diagnosed with hfa+adhd, keep that in mind; i could be projecting and it’s entirely possible that this whole post is just my exceptionally elaborate hc lol

disclaimer 4: this may not be in chronological order i’m also not the best writer :/ + i’m still editing this sometimes

‣ his “questionable” behavior lol

link to the original translation

strange and/or unconventional behavior is a common symptom of autism as it is strictly correlated with the absence of social awareness because who in their right mind would do that.

Autism spectrum disorder is primarily characterized by impaired social interaction and limited social-emotional reciprocity. This impairment goes well beyond poor social skills and being socially awkward. Children with autism spectrum disorder tend to have a disconnection in their response to others.

(...)

In general, these children are described as very socially and emotionally withdrawn, and “being in their own little world.”

from here

A social norm generally refers to something that society or culture renders “normal.” Everyone is expected to automatically understand and adhere to these unwritten rules, and diverging from the “norm” may be considered “abnormal.”

(...)

An example of a social norm in the United States is that avoiding eye contact is often interpreted as evasive, nervous, odd, or “shifty.” As autistic folks often avoid eye contact, neurotypical people may interpret their behavior as going against the “norm.”

from here

While most people can navigate these changing expectations, some individuals with autism and Asperger’s Syndrome struggle with them constantly. These individuals may have difficulties reading social situations or knowing what type of behavior is expected in certain circumstances.

from here

anyway; it’s also important to note here that people on the spectrum tend to absorb most information not in a figurative way, but rather in simple terms

Autistic people seem to take everything literally.

(...)

Autistic brains, however, don’t automatically group anything together, and instead file everything as a separate piece of information with no apparent similarity to anything else

Well, first it’s important to recognize that it doesn’t come from a lack of understanding of what’s being said to them, but from a difference in processing the information they’re taking in.

from here

let’s say, hypothetically, for the sake of the argument, that haru is on the spectrum. there’s probably a really simple but logical thought process going on in his mind.

mucho (the captain) has certain enemies, he also doesn’t have that much hair on his head lol but his enemies do. so why not beat them up and forcefully take their hair and offer it to mucho as a gift. he’s probably going to think wow what a kind gesture, right???

People with an autism spectrum disorder think in a logically consistent way that leads to quick decision making.

from here

tldr; imo he didn’t know it was a weird thing to do and that he shouldn’t have done that. it was probably beyond his comprehension. that’s why he thinks captains are difficult; there’s a disconnect and lack of awareness.

side note: whatever haru did above here just screams autistic child without the appropriate guidance to me (somebody that’s also on the spectrum)

side note2: this dude literally fights with a fucking katana. he could’ve chosen anything but thought that a katana would be the most suitable weapon of choice to slaughter other teenagers in september of 2008 ....ok..

‣ this very specific interaction with baji in cb3

this was haru’s interaction with baji at some point. keep in mind that they were childhood friends or best friends, they always hung out together. it’s safe to assume that baji knew haru pretty well.

now.. (yes i know) baji saying that haru has always been weird isn't concrete evidence to support my theory.

HOWEVER ,,imo wakui shows us a lot of things intentionally, he could’ve included some other interaction with somebody else but he didn’t. why? maybe because this is supposed to help us understand haru more and give his character more depth.

ok so let’s dissect this. haru asks baji about something really simple/usual, something that's already really fucking random but ok people talk about those things right? haru also decides to ask baji at the weirdest time possible. baji literally just announced that he’s leaving a gang that he formed and haru’s like yes this is the perfect moment to ask him about his haircare routine <3 lol

Individuals on the autism spectrum often have difficulty recognising and understanding social cues and therefore do not instinctively learn to adjust their behavior to suit different social contexts.

from here

u could probably say that oh well baji is just like that, he would say something like that at any given moment. and yes he is (or should i say was lol) chaotic but nevertheless it’s a really random thing to ask at a really random, inappropriate moment and baji kind of pointed that out but again haru wouldn’t know if he was actually somewhere on the spectrum.

as i said before, i do think that how the characters communicate and what kind of words they use in certain situations is supposed to give us some insight into their personalities. with that said, it kind of stuck out to me when baji called him weird and his only response was i see thanks. my personal reasoning here suggests that some people would probably get agitated when called weird but idk.

so now it’s possible that 1. he’s fully aware of what baji called him but doesn’t care and/or is used to being called weird (which again most autistic kids are used to) or 2. such ”insults” rarely evoke a response because he has a hard time recognizing irony (i don’t think the word weird is generally speaking an extraordinarily disrespectful insult when used among friends but maybe that’s just me idk)

Verbal irony can serve many social functions: Speakers can temper the aggression conveyed by criticism, or praise conveyed by a compliment (the Tinge Hypothesis), while bringing humor to a situation. A full understanding of ironic language requires one to make complex inferences about speaker intent, a task that can be challenging for individuals with ASDs who might have difficulties with mentalizing in social contexts or with the interpretation of ambiguous stimuli.

from here

side note: i think it’s so adorable that he actually said “i’m going to miss u”. he didn’t have to, although that’s a completely reasonable thing to say in such situations. this isn’t really related to my theory about him potentially being on the spectrum but it’s such a cute little detail. i think it ties more to the theory that at the end of the day he’s a kindhearted person that’s “gone bad” due to unfortunate circumstances and the environment he grew up in. again, wakui didn’t have to include this line because well they’re gang members, idk if i should expect them to be verbally affectionate but they’re also kids dealing with complex issues so it’s not that surprising to see this if that makes sense. toman haru is so different from bonten sanzu for obvious reasons imo it’s self explanatory

‣ takeomi’s treatment & its possible implications

i will not be judging takeomi’s parenting skills because he wasn’t supposed to end up in that position in the first place but like come on.. he put so much pressure on haru (could be completely unintentionally yk he had his own shit to deal with). i don’t speak japanese and maybe it was originally worded differently but based on this english translation, it’s so obvious that takeomi just really harshly criticized haru for making mistakes (and for not doing the best job at something he’s not responsible for and has no prior experience with)..... why not tell him what to say instead or idk do anything other than just basically saying u are doing it wrong fuck u. there’s just so much wrong with the way takeomi communicates with him idek if i should go any further, this seems self explanatory. he just keeps criticizing him instead of like teaching him or providing some kind of guidance at least idfk

some might say here that maybe it was just this one time that he scolded him for not properly raising his younger sister at the ripe age of 10 years old or sth but imo wakui included this for a reason, to tell a story and show us that it was probably a repeating pattern

and now we’re here. clearly haru doesn’t take takeomi’s criticism well (which was honestly expected from a literal child). he doesn’t understand any of it and why he is blamed for everything.

personally, i think this really fucked with him on a subconscious level (because.. yk ..those topics can be quite incomprehensible for 4th graders that just learned multiplication). hearing all the time that u keep doing things wrong and that it's your responsibility which u should've known somehow from somewhere?

ok this sounds like i’m excessively explaining the tremendously concerning and detrimental effects of child abuse so why am i even including this in a post about asd? well..

Many autistic people are highly sensitive to criticism, even more so than most people in general are. For many of us this may be due, at least in part, to childhood trauma. Many of us were bullied. Even among those of us with relatively non-traumatic childhoods, most of us grew up being criticized and corrected a lot more than most kids are. Many of us live in constant dread of doing something wrong. Many of us have developed a deep emotional need to be "right" at all times.

from here

lol does this sound familiar?

imo what and how takeomi talked to haru made him internalize this idea that whatever he does is wrong and that he should always do better. i included this quote here because (at least from my personal experience) people that are on the spectrum always just have “something wrong with them” and always just should “try harder” to be “normal”. (not my opinion btw, this is just what we constantly hear from allistics).

i guess it’s not that weird to say that well maybe if haru didn’t actually do anything wrong, then he shouldn’t be stressed about getting scolded because again, he’s innocent right? well i’m gonna have to disagree

kids are kids and their brains are still in the early stages of development; let’s assume that an adult (or a parental figure that holds some kind of authority to whom a child looks up) keeps telling said child that they are doing something incorrectly, eventually they will start believing it regardless of the actual circumstances.

autistic people tend to be more sensitive to criticism for obvious reasons as mentioned above so harsh (and unreasonable i’d say) criticism is probably going to affect them to a larger extent

he’s just scared and confused; (also potentially physical) abuse is not a concept that’s particularly difficult to understand

so let’s say, hypothetically speaking, for the sake of the argument lol that haru is somewhere on the spectrum and is already struggling with being somewhat different than most kids. it’s enough for a child to feel inferior and then there’s also takeomi adding even more pressure, basically triggering those very specific emotions.

we can see that this entire situation (and the cause of it) is beyond his comprehension. haru doesn’t understand why but he now knows that somehow it’s always his fault because he always does things wrong. that is a lot to take in for any kid, especially those who are on the spectrum.

my personal take on why he can’t talk back to takeomi: he was already conditioned to think that whatever he does will never be enough or satisfactory which has already affected his self esteem. let’s say, hypothetically speaking, u think that u always do everything wrong and somebody (wrongfully) accuses u of something really random... u probably aren't going to argue with them and will most likely say something like “yeah nothing new honestly” instead. bad example ik but i think that’s where haru was at in this chapter; he already felt worthless and scared in 4th grade, at the age of like 10. that’s so young to feel that way and it breaks my heart ://

Many people with autism experience a triad of trauma: neglect at home, abuse from trusted adults and bullying at school or work.

(...)

Studies suggest that children on the spectrum are up to three times as likely as their neurotypical peers to be targets of bullying and physical or sexual abuse. Such maltreatment can cause severe stress and trauma, yet it often goes unrecognized or unreported.

from here

we can already see that possibly around that time, he’s already begun isolating himself from others or at least developed some kind of subconscious tendency to stay away from them (as a self defense mechanism). i assume his 10 year old brain correlated abuse with just simply existing around others

i think it wouldn’t be surprising if that reasoning stuck with him throughout his entire life as the human brain technically remains in the developmental stage until mid to late 20s.... and below is even proof

anyway moving on; due to the fact that people on the spectrum are much more likely to experience any type of abuse, it’s not that uncommon for exploitation to take place.

up until this point, we’ve established that

haru was already struggling with his self esteem and possibly feeling inferior to some degree in his childhood (which by itself could make him a target of exploitation) but also

the possibility of him being on the spectrum can most definitely increase the chances of him being abused and used by others as described below

Neglect in particular is a problem for children with autism, as well as for those with intellectual disability. Neglect is the most common type of maltreatment documented by child protective services.

(...)

Autistic children are also vulnerable to physical abuse. Primary caregivers in the immediate family are the most common perpetrators of the abuse, but a broader range of offenders — including family members, babysitters and childcare providers — may be more likely to target children with autism or intellectual disability than other children.

from here

TW // disclaimer: the following part mainly illustrates the correlation between sa and autism. based solely on the manga and the direction in which it’s going, i personally wouldn’t say that haru is clearly a victim of sa (although technically it’s still possible) but imo there’s not enough factual evidence to prove this kind of speculation.

i included the following part because it’s extremely relevant to this context and what i’m about to go over next

In addition to difficulty with emotional processing, children with autism may encounter communication challenges that may make them particularly desirable targets of sexual offenders because of the perception that they would be unable to disclose the abuse. Research indicates that up to 50% of children with autism are functionally nonverbal.

from here

ok well u may be wondering why am i even including this if i don’t suspect sa in haru’s case. i think this explanation thoroughly demonstrates how and why autistic kids are more likely to be subjected to exploitation. with that said, kids on the spectrum sometimes may not be aware of what is going on and why it’s harmful to them (that happened to me SO many times but it’s besides the point).

it’s entirely possible that mikey is well aware of haru’s idolatry towards him (stemming from autism or not) and decides to utilize it to his own personal advantage. this panel can literally imply that haru is being used like a disposable tool to do all the dirty work. which again, happens to so many autistic kids as they’re not aware of what exactly is going on.

i wouldn’t even be surprised if haru was happy about the fact that mikey asked him to do all the work, because he would never even consider exploitation. why? because he wouldn’t want to do that to mikey as he cares for him deeply i assume

The ability to discern other's intentions, desires and beliefs is called "theory of mind" and typically develops at about age 4 or 5, according to the study.

In a classic example, a child is shown two dolls, "Sally" and "Anne." The experimenter puts on a skit in which Sally puts a marble in a basket. While Sally isn't looking, Anne moves the marble from the basket to a box. The experimenter asks the child where Sally will look for the marble when she returns.

Knowing that Sally will look in the basket requires understanding that others have beliefs that may differ from our own.

Previous studies have shown that children with autism develop this ability later than other children, if ever, Young said.

from here

keep in mind that haru always ranks lower than mikey; after toman disbands, haru is always directly below mikey. he’s basically his right hand aka does most if not all of the dirty work for him. it’s also highly likely that he puts himself in that position willingly because at the end of the day, he wants to help mikey and do what’s best for him

we were also explicitly shown that he continues to do so in every timeline, including bonten, where he kills people on mikey’s command, for instance

it’s entirely possible that it’s a huge stretch here since he’s the “loyal mad dog” and such behavior can be most definitely expected from haru. nevertheless i think it’s an undeniably interesting detail that gives some insight into mikey’s and haru’s relationship which conveniently bring us to the next part

‣ haru, mikey and baji & the unfolding of their friendship

according to senju in chapter 240, they “were always together back then”. we know that senju may not be the most reliable narrator but

if she “always” followed them around then i guess she had a somewhat clear picture of what their dynamic looked like at that time, right?

basically we don’t really know what happened to their friendship later. we know that it’s possible that mikey was responsible for haru’s scars or was at least somehow involved in the process. it’s also entirely possible that this situation traumatized all 3 of them and caused them to drift away from each other? maybe but this is just my personal theory and i have no evidence to support this claim. so let’s stick to the manga

keep this in mind:

Physical attacks by peers may leave autistic children with wounds on their faces, shoulder displacements and large scratches on their body.

from here

we still don’t know what exactly happened and why (haru’s pov is long overdue atp) but why was it haru that got his entire fucking mouth ripped open by another middle schooler? why not baji for example (since he was also there)? idk seems oddly specific

i tried to compartmentalize all those events and make some kind of a timeline. they were around 10 years old at that time, so chapter 241 probably happened in 2000.

2000 and prior: mikey, baji and haru are best friends

2000: mikey hurts haru

2001/ 5th grade: mikey becomes best friends with draken

2003: toman is formed. mikey, baji and draken are included in the group of the founding members

where the fuck is haru? and what happened to him?

ok so toman was formed and haru stuck around somewhere in the background but was never included in anything major. it looks like him and mikey were still on decent terms i guess? but they didn’t spend that much time together anymore. otherwise it would be shown in the manga i assume. but it wasn’t....

it seems like mikey gave haru those scars and then everybody just moved on? completely ditching him and forming a gang? ://

idk but to me at least, it looks like they kind of abandoned haru because he was somewhat different. this could relate to how baji always considered him to be weird for whatever reason or the humongous scars on his face lol or both.

imo there’s enough evidence for me to think that he was pushed to the back and completely forgotten by his closest friends. mikey and baji found new ones and what about him? we don’t know why yet but it’s just such a common thing that happens to so many autistic kids. brushed aside because they’re different for whatever reason.

It can sometimes be difficult to feel like you ‘fit in’ or to find your place in the world. Because of this, many autistic people can end up being socially isolated and lonely.

from here

Autistic young people are often misunderstood by non-autistic young people, and this can lead to difficulties in their friendships. We know that friendship is very important for our mental health. For non-autistic young people, having good friendships is linked to better mental health and having problems in friendship can cause mental health problems.

from here

Children with ASD have difficulty with social interaction behaviors, including establishing and maintaining relationships, reciprocating social interaction, and communicating with others.

from here

haru baby he’s your childhood friend too, isn’t he? :((

ok so basically to summarize whatever i wrote here up until this point. his friend(s) see him as weird which means that he fails to fit in (does something wrong again). then takeomi nags him about not raising senju properly (so again, he fails to do something correctly). it seems like he always does everything wrong no matter what he does or where he goes.

dude i’d leave home too. haru’s childhood was probably a living hell

‣ haru’s odd placement in panels/official art

draken’s flashback before he died. it’s just so bizarre to me that he’s always there but in the background, pushed aside. it’s possible that draken just wasn’t close friends with haru but if that’s true then why is he even here?

again, in the background. i feel like him being there in the back is supposed to show us that he was always somehow involved but was more of a supporting character. but like... he literally killed mucho in this volume so it’s not like he had no impact on the story’s trajectory.

yes i know that he was on the inside cover but still

there’s mikey, baji, emma and where’s haru? it looks like they were still kids here and apparently they were childhood friends with haru too ... so? could be a reach but like baji isn’t a part of the sano family and he’s there ..

hm maybe haru was constantly excluded (to some extent) from the very beginning, it’s just that senju didn’t mention it or wasn’t fully aware of what was going on

side note: draken and mucho are dead, they also have their backs turned kind of like like pah, peh and haru *sobbing intensifies* anyway

is haru oddly placed here? maybe, idk, not really but everybody’s near somebody they’re close to. takemitchi & hina, emma & draken, peh & pah, mikey & baji, chifuyu & baji, mitsuya & yuzuha, mitsuya & draken and the kawata twins. the only ones that seem out of place are kazutora, hakkai, mucho and haru.

i have no idea wtf kazutora is doing tbh but he’s affiliated with mikey who saved him from his dad the day they met or sth and baji is there so it makes sense + toman was formed to protect kazutora and mikey is its leader.

hakkai is randomly placed too but him and mikey have some history together.

technically mucho was a part of toman, he was the 5th division captain after all and we know that he was close with smiley who was the 4th division captain. so yes, he played a significant role in toman but imo tenjiku arc was supposed to show us that at the end of the day, his loyalty belonged to the s62 generation. well he even told us this

and then there’s haru, completely alone :( idek if he knows the kawata twins or yuzuha. technically wakui could’ve put him next to mucho (that would make a lot of sense) but i think this is supposed to show us that even though they were seemingly close, they were still very much far away from each other (emotionally). although mucho attempted to reduce that distance (cb3) idk if he was able to see any satisfactory results before haru killed him (which imo was a subconscious self defense reaction that mostly stemmed from what i’m explaining in this post)

tldr; imo all of this is supposed to show us that no matter what haru does, at the end of the day he will always remain in the background, pushed aside, forgotten or in the shadows of his other friends possibly because of the way that he is. abandoned and left to deal with everything alone.

‣ haru being a “clean freak”

i’ve seen a lot of people say he has ocd and huge disclaimer here, i’m not saying that all autistic people have raging ocd but like such behaviors tend to be present in people on the spectrum

Autism and obsessive-compulsive disorder frequently accompany each other.

(...)

Studies indicate that up to 84 percent of autistic people have some form of anxiety; as much as 17 percent may specifically have OCD. And an even larger proportion of people with OCD may also have undiagnosed autism, according to one 2017 study.

from here

i mean do i even have to explain this one?

Other symptoms that are present include restrictive, repetitive patterns of behaviors, or narrow and/or atypical interests. They may have inflexible adherence to routines, difficulty with transitioning, ritualized speech or behavior, and exhibit sensory processing difficulties.

from here

Many autistic people experience hypersensitivity (...). Certain sounds, smells, textures and tastes can also be overwhelming.

from here

haru just has sensory issues and is probably unaware of that :/

side note: listen this may sound like a huge stretch (and it probably is) apparently ever since mucho got him cheesecake in an attempt to get closer to him and basically make him more comfortable, he’s been a cheesecake enjoyer lol. now obviously, he likes cheesecake because it reminds him of the unconditional love, acceptance and sympathy that mucho offered him. it probably reminds him of how wholesome that entire situation was because it’s likely that he was never approached by anybody with pure intentions before.

but it’s just so interesting that wakui chose cheesecake, a plain dessert that doesn’t have any weird texture and is probably very much suitable for people on the spectrum. idk if this was intentional, probably not, but still it’s so interesting how everything seems to be adding up lol

on top of that haru literally dislikes spicy food .. come on now ..

‣ hyperfixating on mikey: his primary motivation

....i guess his sensory issues could also explain this panel but it’s kinda obvious that he’s obsessed with mikey for some reason that we don’t know about yet.

again, obv there’s definitely much more to this story that would explain his behavior without mentioning any neurodevelopmental disorders but imo he’s just hyperfixating on mikey.

it’s not bpd/psychopathy/stockholm syndrome; he’s just a neurodivergent kid with issues

It is a kind of extreme fixation on a certain show, person, or thought. It is a kind of coping mechanism for people suffering from anxiety disorders, depression, and autism. Hyperfixation can last for years.

from here

and mikey is probably his “favorite person” (no, this isn’t only reserved for bpd; various symptoms of both disorders overlap actually; they’re different disorders regardless).

i don’t even know where bpd came from, like haru just doesn’t display that many symptoms that are commonly associated with bpd which is primarily characterized by evident (and repeating) behavioral patterns.

Therefore, both individuals with BPD and individuals with autism may have challenges in social relationships but for different reasons. Those with autism may prefer to be alone or cannot read others’ emotions, while those with BPD are more likely to experience extreme emotions and impact their relationships because of it.

from here

i’m just trying to analyze his behavior in accordance with the manga without making additional assumptions and again, the evidence to support such a claim is insufficient.

side note: it’s so ironic that this type of hyperfixation can be “often described as "tunnel vision"

Autistic brains are often really good at focusing deeply on one thing at a time; they may struggle to split attention between topics. ‘Hyperfixation’ is being completely immersed in something to the exclusion of everything else. It's more common in autistic people and can be a great asset. In this state a great deal of learning, productivity and appreciation can take place. When hyperfixating it’s important to take time to look after your basic needs, and it can be difficult when other people or responsibilities seek your attention.

from here

he explicitly states here that he made consistent and persistent efforts just to make sure that the further course of his action was going to be meticulously planned. why? because mikey is concerned with the outcome so obv haru is going to do absolutely everything and anything to succeed

unlike a psychopath, he’s not driven by personal desires; he’s not doing that because he feels like it and/or because it’s fun. he’s doing whatever it takes to satisfy mikey, his “king”

it’s not stockholm syndrome either because

In these instances, the captors use emotional tactics to convince victims to sympathize with them and comply with their demands. This can involve convincing victims that the outside world is more dangerous than staying with their captors or persuading victims that the kidnapper is a victim, too.

from here

and we have not seen that in the manga

This makes victims feel like they are unable to escape from their situation, which is why people with Stockholm Syndrome stay with their captors.

from here

haru never seems scared around mikey; if anything, he’s fascinated by him and excited to see what he’s going to do next.. why? bc he’s simply hyperfixated

my personal take on why he’s so intrigued by mikey’s dark impulses: we’ve established here that haru grew up feeling weak and possibly inferior; he wasn’t as strong as others. so when mikey hurt him in 4th grade (mikey was just another lil kid, they were the same age), that’s probably when haru realized or noticed how strong mikey actually was/still is. maybe he even started looking up to him

from a logical point of view, i don’t think it was weird of him to stay by mikey’s side. it reminds me of why koko stayed in tenjiku. haru’s decision to remain alongside mikey, imo was not only influenced by his feelings towards him, but also possibly the result of making a calculated choice after evaluating the power structure of tokyo at that time. and we’ve seen that haru most definitely has the mental capacity to think logically and use inferential reasoning

‣ you have to keep an eye on the king, but also on yourself

idek how to put this into words this is so sad. not only haru was neglected by everybody around him, but it’s likely that he neglected himself too.

Many people on the Autism spectrum struggle with transitioning from one activity to another. So they just get fixated on one thing so they don’t have to deal with the stress of switching from one thing to another.

from here

he probably became so focused on mikey, his goals and his wellbeing that he completely forgot about himself. again, this could also relate to him being neglected by takeomi, a parental figure and how that’s affected him and his self perception. it’s also possible that he didn’t take care of himself (mentally and emotionally) because he was already conditioned to believe that he’s unworthy so yk why even try

As a result of low self-care, a person could start to feel worthless. Because, in general, individuals on the spectrum might have stronger feelings, even the smallest of things can majorly affect that person, in ways neurotypical people won’t understand.

In addition, many people with autism may feel that even though they don’t take the best care of themselves, there are more important subjects to worry about. Other self-advocates may not have the energy to look after themselves, as a possible result of depression, not enough free time, or difficulties with family and/or friends.

from here

‣ moral judgment impairment

disclaimer: ok this part is going to be so difficult for me to write bc i have no idea what’s right, wrong and what morality generally stands for but i’ll try my best. lmk if this part doesn’t make sense

i wholeheartedly believe that haru thinks (or that he convinced himself) that he’s doing the right and appropriate thing. am i trying to say that he thinks mass murder is justified and necessary? yes i do. because he probably doesn’t see it as immoral or inherently wrong; he only cares about mikey and his “path of carnage”

People with autism may perceive morality differently than normally functioning people because they focus more on the outcomes of situations, rather than the intentions of the people in those situations.

(...)

Moral judgment is a complex social cognitive process, but it is also influenced by moral education.

from here

side note: well who was there to ensure that he receives proper moral education? probably nobody. how was he even supposed to identify a set of beliefs and values regarding what is right and wrong?

Empathy is typically considered as a necessary component of developing moral agents. Empathy may play at least two roles in the development of moral agency: (i) empathic ability might be helpful to learn important moral lessons; (ii) empathic responses to harm suffered by a victim might be important in shaping moral judgments to wrong-doing. Furthermore, empathic capacity is useful in understanding who is judged to be a victim of moral transgression.

from here

very often people on the spectrum lack empathy, which plays a significant role in the process of building a moral compass and developing moral intelligence as mentioned above.

The term ‘empathy’ is used in a variety of ways, and problems of empathy have been suggested to be central to both psychopathy and autism spectrum disorders.

(...)

The affective/information processing correlates of psychopathic tendencies and ASD are quite different. Psychopathic tendencies are associated with difficulties in resonating with other people’s distress, whereas ASD is characterized by difficulties in knowing what other people think.

from here

i’m pretty sure that i’ve already went over this aspect of autism somewhere before but i’ll do it again for the sake of convenience

‘Mind blindness’ — a theory that holds that people with autism are unable to form an awareness of others’ thoughts.

from here

tldr; imo haru is aware of what he’s doing, he knows that he’s murdering people, his friends even. but he’s incapable of understanding why that’s wrong or why he shouldn’t be doing this. his own way of reasoning rejects the idea of morality and what it generally means to allistic people. he thinks in logical terms and the most important aspect of his life is to protect mikey and “his path”. so that’s what he’s going to do and he’ll go to great lengths to achieve that without even questioning if he’s doing the morally right thing. because in his mind, he is. because why wouldn’t he, right?

‣ bonus points for bearing an invisible cross as a consequence of the series of events

not to be annoying but this panel again

disclaimer: i’m probably going to sound like i’m contradicting myself here but pls trust me also i’ll try my best not to project bc this part just hits home lol

yes i’ve dedicated a decent amount of this post (if not the vast majority) explaining how loneliness and feeling abandoned has probably greatly influenced his way of thinking and how he perceives the outside world.

nevertheless, autistic people tend to have a decreased need for social interaction

A general explanation for the impairments in social initiative and reciprocity states that individuals with autism find social interactions less rewarding, because they fail to appreciate their emotional significance. Indeed, abnormal brain functioning in autism suggests impaired sensitivity to social affiliation and reward at a neural level.

from here

does that mean that all autistic people prefer to isolate themselves from others? absolutely not.

ok so wtf am i even talking about here? what i’m trying to say is that maybe that tendency to detach has prevailed the older he got. i mean we saw him have friends before but we also know that at some point in his childhood, he started pushing people away (and not just random people, senju was his sister that he raised so obv they were close). it’s entirely possible that he subconsciously or consciously reshaped his disposition into this over exaggerated but also apathetic persona because of psychological trauma that stemmed from potentially being on the spectrum and how difficult it was to grow up not only neglected but also in a society that’s primarily designed for neurotypicals.

it’s also worth mentioning that it’s extremely rare for allistic people to recognize, understand and react to this. the people around him most likely didn't know what he was going through (he probably didn't even know himself), so they couldn't possibly figure it out on their own. this sounds like absolute nonsense, so i’m going to speak from my personal experience to put this into perspective. my mom is not a neurodivergent person and has no idea what neurodivergent people go through so how could she know that i was always struggling with the simplest things like bright led lamps? she always thought i was complaining for no reason and that i was also trying to piss her off on purpose. why? because she, as a neurotypical, has no issues with bright lightning; if she ever kept bringing it up, it would probably be because of some petty reasons that are completely unrelated to the neurological structure of her brain.

tldr; this brings us back to the story of his neglect and how the perpetuated cycle of abuse never stops, but ultimately and substantially gets worse. obv it’s possible to break the cycle, but it can be a long, draining process that requires a lot of external support and emotional investment.... it’s possible that maybe if he wasn’t neglected by his family, he’d be able to receive the proper and necessary guidance that maybe could have led him to a different path; a path that isn’t centered around violence and straight up carnage.

anyway, keep in mind that this panel is from september 2008, so haru is 18 years old here; technically he’s an adult. he probably spent his entire life neglected and alone. obv he’s developed some kind of subconscious self defense mechanism and now he feels like “i don’t need anybody and i don’t even want anybody” .....because nobody needed and wanted him in the first place

With today’s modern conveniences, a person can physically survive a solitary existence. But that existence is probably not a happy one. Thanks to millions of years of natural selection, being rejected is still painful.

(...)

Social rejection activates many of the same brain regions involved in physical pain.

from here

tldr; do autistic people tend to prefer to be alone? yes. does it still hurt to be abandoned regardless of the presence of neurodevelopmental disorders? also yes. autistic people are people too yk

‣ bonus points for his adorable posture

ok this is really random and more like a fun lil fact about him but like look at his posture, it’s so cute. also i think he’s the only one that stands like that in the manga, so it’s safe to assume that his way of standing is different lol

Motor impairments in individuals with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) have been frequently reported.

from here

‣ extra bonus points for cosplaying Raymond Babbitt

another fun lil fact and i SWEAR i’m not doing this on purpose. i’m most definitely not trying to attribute each and every little detail that i know about him to autism but like..

haru is 2nd best at gambling

Restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviors, interests, or activities are a critical diagnostic criterion for autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Previous studies using gambling paradigms with ASD populations have identified that, unlike typically developed control participants, people with a diagnosis of ASD tend to maintain particular response patterns regardless of the magnitude of potential outcomes to uncertain gains or losses.

(...)

These findings suggest that the ASD tendency towards repetitive behavior may demonstrate itself even in high-level decision-making tasks.

from here

ok i think that’s all, lmk what u think also sorry if this is too long lol

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oraclekleo · 2 years

Text

Master Post - List of Completed Readings and Works in Progress (WIP)

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Disclaimer

I strongly urge you to take all the tarot readings on this account lightly. All the posts are intended to have an entertaining nature, they are pure speculations and completely made up by me. I can never ever guarantee any of it and you should never take any of the tarot readings for granted. I would like to stress that I know no idol nor actor personally, I never met any of them and all those readings are fictional, imagins, make believe and hypothetical scenarios. Do not base any of your life decisions on a tarot reading only, always use your common sense. If you have issues with tarot cards for religious or other reasons, do not engage in reading my posts.

When you make a request take my life into consideration and be patient. I’m a responsible adult with a full time job, dog, family, friends, duties, house chores and requests from other sources. All these take my time. Also reading tarot cards requires a certain mood, vibe and concentration, it can’t be done just anytime. Count on the time delays, please. I will do my best to complete your requests.

I’m always willing to help out if you yourself consider taking on tarot cards as a hobby. Feel free to ask if you have any inquiries about it, no question is dumb. I don’t know everything but will try to help the best I can.

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Requests status:

K-Pop Readings - CLOSED

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Masterlist

Tarot Readings

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2PM

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(G)I-DLE

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Astro

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Ateez

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BigBang

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BtoB

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BTS

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CIX

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CRAViTY

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Dreamcatcher

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E'LAST

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Enhypen

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EXO

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Got7

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ITZY

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KINGDOM

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LE SSERAFIM

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Monsta X

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N.Flying

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NCT (All sub-units)

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Omega X

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ONEUS

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OnlyOneOf

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P1Harmony

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Pentagon

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SHINee

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Seventeen

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SF9

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Solo Artists

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Stray Kids

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Super Junior

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The Boyz

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The Rose

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TVXQ

(only Yunho and Changmin, see the former members among solo artists)

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TWICE

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TXT

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US, UK, CA, AUS Actors

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VERIVERY

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VIXX

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WEi

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Xdinary Heroes

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XEED

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*(WIP) = works in progress

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#kpop #kpop imagine #kpop smut #tarot reading requests #masterlist #requests manual #kpop tarot readings #kpop tarot #kpop scenarios #kpop imagines #kpop fluff #tarot #tarot spread #kpop astrology #kpop asks #oracle kleo

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mihai-florescu · 1 year

Note

Good day! This is going to sound like I'm turning you into my personal human tripadvisor, (#sory) but you're a bucharestgirl so I feel the need to ask you for recommendations on things you personally enjoy seeing or doing around there. I've been there 3 times before but they were all short stays and I didn't get to plan them out at all, nor did I see as much as I'd have liked to see (also 2/3 stays are attached to bad memories. Cursed capital!). Purely hypothetical question, because I actually do not have any sort of trip mapped out or confirmed as of now, but I wanted to ask just in case. You Know...

Glad my #bucharestgirl nature can be of help! I do need to give you the disclaimer that I havent actually lived here since 2020 and i only come back on summer/winter breaks to hang out with my friends (which means i go to their apartments and/or to bars. If youre interested in that i can ask my bestie for her list of favs)

Now with that out of the way, I will try to remember my favorite places from back in highschool... if there's anything in particular you're interested in lmk, but this is a general list of things i think you might enjoy^_^

Well first you have to go to Cărtureşti. Verona and Carusel are the prettiest ones. It also helps that they're in very good locations. If you're at Carusel you can see centrul vechi (and right next to Cărtureşti there are art supply stores and 2 antique shops. One of them, the one on your left entering the gang, also sells handmade jewelry. If the lady is there that day, tell her you're a friend of mine and she might give you a discount. I really should pay her a visit the next time im in Bucharest).

Now, I imagine you would like to visit some museums too? I will not tell you about the national ones etcetc i'll tell you about one that maybe isn't in the tourist guides: Casa Filipescu-Cesianu. It's on Calea Victoriei, which has a bunch of other really cool places on the way. There's always Ateneu (behind it there's a sweets shop i quite like, Mara Mura). Oh also on Calea Victoriei there's the Green Hours Jazz Cafe that's quite nice if they have a performance (the food's good too though, if you just want a meal).

My favorite place to see plays Back In The Day (9th-10th grade lmao) was Centrul Replika. I'm trying to look at their website but I don't see any upcoming performances...

There's always the national theatre tho. And Teatrul Mic. And Bulandra. Teatrul Mic was my favorite out of this list.

Oh and for food...hmm... there's a Korean restaurant i like, Seoul, but it's not really in a central area. There's a cafe, Frog, that i used to go to weekly at some point. And if you feel like junk food, Switch Eat is my favorite. Maison des crêpes has good sweet and savory pancakes, i remember going a lot back in highschool. But im always on the lookout for new restaurants so if You find anything good lmk.

There are a bunch of wonderful parks (Herăstrău, IOR, Cişmigiu) if you dont feel like being in the city crowds. I also like watching the fountains at Piața Unirii. And there's always the malls if you Do want to be in a more commercial area (im a Park Lake girlie personally but like. They're all malls lmao)

But if anything catches your eye while you're here please please lmk, I find that I've been very disconnected from the city when I do go back. I hope you will have a better time in this hypothetical trip than in your previous ones<3

#girl help i dont remember much from my youth #ask #dove🕊

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sophieinwonderland · 2 years

Note

What are your thoughts on the systems who are selling their tulpas and other headmates then claiming to send them away via headspace hopping? I’m not a tulpamancer but it seems to go against what tulpamancers stand for, treating their tulpas like real people and such

Oh, that's a troll. At least, I'm 99% sure it is. I've never seen any evidence that this is a person actually involved in the tulpa community, and most tulpamancers don’t believe in things like system hopping.

If this was real or possible, it would obviously be immoral... but I just really don't think it is. Please, don't trust anyone trying to sell you headmates.

Now, one thing that might be less immoral and... you know... actually possible, would be commissioning a "source-kit" or something similar with the intention of creating designer fictives.

This isn't literally selling tulpas. It's just selling fiction written specifically to be easily introjected.

Given how fictives and factives often seem to form easier than other types of headmates due to an established sense of identity, I could see a niche for selling custom source commissions to start people off, and it wouldn't be anymore "wrong" than intentionally making fictives based on existing sources.

Of course, the character would need a detailed, consistent and believable psychological profile that the brain could simulate interactions with, sample "memories" should be written down to establish their past and how they think... hmm...

Can I just play with this hypothetical a bit?

Again, this is just a hypothetical I'm approaching as a purely intellectual exercise, not something I would be encourage others to do.

In fact, if anything feels wrong at any point in the process and the host doesn't think the tulpa would act in a way described by the source kit, the host should be encouraged to edit accordingly. That means the brain is already forming a simulation of the character as a proto-tulpa, knowing what they would or wouldn't do in a given situation.

Okay, if you were doing this, first, you should start with a picture of the proto-tulpa on the front page to make visualization easier. The next page has to be disclaimers that tulpas will naturally deviate from their source over time, that this should be encouraged, and that the host shouldn't expect the tulpa to be exactly like the source. The kit is a starting place, but the tulpa will likely eventually become radically different from that as it gains new experiences. You can’t give the impression that tulpa will always be the template since that can stunt development.

Also mention that the host can edit parts of the document before beginning the creation process if they feel the need to.

After the disclaimers could be a detailed bio to learn the source's history, written in 1st person so that the host can get a feel for how the proto-tulpa thinks and talks. Also, the 1st person perspective means the tulpa's name only needs to be mentioned once in the document, making it easy for them to change.

After that could be about 3-4 very detailed source "memory" sections detailing defining moment in their life. These should, again, be written in 1st person for the same reason as the bio, and the host should be encouraged to read these memories multiple times and immerse themselves in them, feeling what the source was feeling during them as vividly as possible.

The next portion could be formatted as a Q&A interview with 20 questions directed at the source, with answers pre-written.

Then after those 20 questions should be 20 more that are unanswered. For these, you should encourage the host to imagine asking the proto-tulpa these questions directly, and to imagine what their replies would be, and to write down the answers. If the host doesn't want the proto-tulpa self-aware with meta-awareness yet, it may help to imagine an appropriate context such as an interview with a local paper. (But if the tulpa were to become self-aware on their own though, it should be encouraged not to fight that.)

Additionally, give advice that the host can use these as conversation-starters with the proto-tulpa if the conversation is flowing naturally enough.

The last question should be asking the proto-tulpa if they would want to ask any questions about the host. This opens the door for continued conversation.

From there, give exercises on how to interact with the tulpa to best foster independence and self-awareness, including encouraging the host to ask the tulpa more questions about themselves and to share things about their life with the tulpa. Especially, encourage asking the tulpa questions about past interactions, as this strengthens their autobiographical memories.

And unlike other fictives and factives, part of the commission would include full rights to the proto-tulpa's name and likeness.

Of course, I feel like anyone who attempted this would need at least a bare bones understanding of psychology, lest they accidentally commission a tulpa that could be harmful to the system.

Again, not advising anyone to do this. I just find the concept interesting to consider.

You also need both a decent enough skill in writing to absorb a reader while also abandoning advice that's good for writing but could be harmful for headmate creation. Making an intentionally flawed character is great in a story but dangerous in a headmate.

Maybe knowing hypnosis could help too... 🤔

#ask box #tulpa #tulpamancy #tulpas

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namiikawaii · 3 years

Text

Luffy x Nami: A thread Part 1

Disclaimer: This is very long so be prepared to take some time & also if you haven't watched/read One Piece at all then don't read this if you don't want to read spoilers. Firstly I'd like to adress all the people who dont believe in a love romance in One Piece aswell as those who are against this ship or do ship Luffy and Nami with different characters: Please read the thread thoughoutly and don't jump to conclusions before you read everything. I will try to mention all of the issues that are underlying in regards to general things like love romance in One Piece and I want to consider counter arguments and create hypotheses in sight of other pairings like Luffy x Boa and Sanji x Nami (which I think are the other main ships when it comes to Luffy and Nami). So it is important to be a little patient through all of this thread.

Let's start off with the question about love romance in One Piece... ''D: Doesn't anyone on Luffy's crew fall in love? Will there never be a tale of on-board romance? (Sanji is an exception in this case) I'm just wondering. -From Naoko- O: But they do... They're all in love...WITH ADVENTURE. (← good one)'' This is exactly the part of the SBS where Oda answered the question about romantic love in the Strawhat Crew. Firstly, this is obviously meant as a silly statement. It is definetly no confirmation but to see this as a serious statement is overexagerrating. Secondly, Oda wanted to answer this question by dodging it without nullifying it. What does that mean? He could have just simply said, there is no romance in One Piece and there never will be (this wouldn't be the first time that he would have answered a question in a direct and serious way). But no, he wanted to make sure that the audience understands that there is a difference between romantic love and romance (in an adventure) and that the Strawhats are on a journey of a romantic adventure which has nothing to do with loving each other in a romantic way. There are two reasons for that: -One Piece is a pure shonen/action Manga and it's target audience are teenage boys (at least this was the case when he made that statement, i don't know how that might have changed by now maybe) -For the other reason just imagine One Piece if there was active love romance going on...we wouldn't be near the story that we are now. Let's just say it would add so much more complications, to put it very simple (I don't want to go into that deep now). But now here comes the clue: All of this doesn't mean that Oda completely lefts love romance out. Because despite of all the points that I just mentioned there are pairings and there is also subtle (no explicite) love romance. Lets just look at the pairings, these are all pairings that I think the majorty of people wouldn't question: -Kaya and Usopp -Sabo and Koala -Shanks and Makino -Shakky and Rayleigh -Roger and Rouge -Oden and Toki

And yes none of these cases showed the love story between those people (maybe Kaya and Usopp if you really want) but THAT IS THE POINT! Only because Oda doesn't let the characters speak out ''i love you'' or makes them kiss all of the time doesn't mean there isn't any kind of romantic love connection between characters in One Piece (the kiss on WCI was an exeption though). This also doesn't mean that there is no possibilty of romance between the Strawhats. I get it that people see them as a familiy, and they truly are one. If there was romance between two of them during the story of One Piece the dynamic wouldn't be the same anymore, especially if there was a canon relationship between Luffy as the captain/ main protagonist and another crewmember. I mean we don't want to see Luffy prefering one nakama over the other. If he calls for his friends, he calls for everyone and not firstly for the person he's in love with. They are all equally as important as the others. But you have to remeber that they aren't blood-related and it wouldn't be weird at all if some of them are ending up together after the adventure of the One Piece. That's the reason why the hints that are given by Oda are really hints, not just merely coincidence.

And i wouldn't be here if Oda didn't hint Luffy and Nami in the past and he will hint them in the future or even more. Let's beginn chronologically with the bond-forming between Luffy and Nami and why their relationship is special EAST BLUE SAGA -Nami was intended as a crew-member from the very beginning, even before One Piece was existing. That's the reason why Luffy and Nami saw each other in the first episode of One Piece. It was to pay hommage to Silk/Ann the heroines of the Romance Dawn Manga. (Just read into it if you want to know more) But what's important is that they were the inspiration for Nami as a character/ as the heroine.

-Orange Town: Luffy and Nami meet for the first time in the Manga Nami reveals her goal to Luffy - which is ''to buy a certain village'' (keep this in mind) Luffy tells Nami why the strawhat is so dear to him - he won't be telling anyone afterwards these details again -Nami tricks Luffy. Buggy captures him but when Nami is forced to fire a canon ball at Luffy she refuses, starts a fight against all the Buggy-Pirates and finally at the risk of her own life she burns her hands facing the pirates with her back in order to prevent the canonball to blow up Luffy (she does quite much for this pirate guy she just met) - you see that at this point Luffy did touch something in Nami's heart because when they have to escape she literally instantly fires the canonball at Buggy without hesitation. -Nami sewing Luffy's damaged hat. Since then it's always her who takes care of it if it takes any damage/ if there is something to sew in it like Ace's Vivre Card. Now I want to put in here my first hypothetical compairison for the LuBoa and SaNa shippers. Just imaging now this same situation happening between Luffy and Boa. Luffys hat is ripped apart - maybe she knows that Luffys hat is his treasure maybe not but lets imagine she does know. She will of course sew it, would probably blush and say something romantic about her doing this for him. And as a shipper this would be the most romantic thing for you wouldn't it? In reality it is Nami who precisely watches Luffy and understands the importance of his hat to him, she goes up to him and fixes his strawhat, with the only difference that it is just more natural and less lovey-dovey from Nami's part (because of course she would never act like that if she was in love with someone). I am already asking you now, which lovestory sounds more believable? -Syrupp Village: There are a few cute moments (Nami catches Luffy and cheers on him and so on...) but i wanted to especially point out that these two are are sitting/lying on the ground after the fight and Nami playes with the Strawhat, Luffy is of course unbothered. But this already shows how comfortable these two are at this point, they know each other only for a few days now. And also this image of them two talking and sitting together is a theme that continues throughout One Piece. -Namis leaves with the Going Merry, looking devestated that she has to leave ''Luffy and the others'', and Luffys reaction after Zoro says to just leave her: ''I want her to by our navigator no matter what'' (These words are enough, no comment needed and also look at Zoro's face as Luffy is stating these words) -Kokoyashi Village: Luffy already trusts and knows Nami so well that he is enraged to hear that she allegedly killed Usopp - the others are sure that she did it but Luffy insists, and even when Nami confirmes to him that she indeed sent Usopp to the ocean's ground Luffy refuses to accept it and immediatly goes to sleep. (I'm sure it's because he knew that something was wrong but he knew he had to wait for Nami to come up to him)

-The famous moment hits different (for shippers and non-shippers): Luffy giving Nami his precious strawhat! He wants to show her how much she is dear to him, his gives her his treasure because now she's his treasure too (and you can see this in a romantic way or in a platonic way but just remember that Luffy never did this ever to anybody in the past or in the future) Now i want to mention something that i said earlier: people often say that Luffy didn't care about Namis story but let me tell you something different. Luffy already knew what Nami's obejectif was (to buy a certain village) now Luffy also knows that there is a pirate called Arlong and when Nami is stabbing herself she shouts his name in devastion. Luffy is not dumb, he understood already some parts of Nami's history - later when he is in Nami's room he understands the impact even more. It is so far from truth that Luffy doesn't know Namis story, he may not know some details, but he could conntect enough points to understand Nami's pain. And my personal theory is that he didn't wanted to hear Nojikto telling Nami's story because maybe Nami wouldn't have wanted him to hear it and it could certainly be that he knew that maybe he couldn't hold himself back and intervene before Nami asked him to do so and finally rely on him! -Genzo and Luffy's conversation: just read/watch it - it is a father to boyfriend conversation (i thought so even before i shipped LuNa) So far these are the most important moments for the East Blue Saga, and of course there are other things you could mention but i just wanted to point out the key moments that really built their relationship and created the whole fundament. Since I don't know when I can continue writing on this, I am just going to show some colourspreads which contain hints in my opinion. (Like Nami being represented as a queen, or Nami holding and wearing Luffy’s hat)

#onepiece #luffyxnami #luffy x nami #luffy #nami #luna #lunami

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wiypt-writes · 3 years

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Riding High

Ch23: Full Circle

Chapter Summary: Mary takes a trip to Boston, but it doesn’t go exactly according to plan and both Frank and Fliss find themselves making a return to the place they both ran from.

Chapter Warnings: Bad Language words.

Chapter Pairings: Frank Adler x OFC Fliss Gallagher

A/N: Nothing major in this, except please bear with me…I’m a Brit so don’t have a wonderful knowledge of the US Health service… thanks to those of you who helped me with this one, you know who you are… ;-)

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. I do not own any characters in this series bar Fliss Gallagher and the other OCs. By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.

Riding High Masterlist // Main Masterlist

Chapter 22

In the eye of the storm, you remain in control, and in the middle of the war, you guard my soul, you alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn, your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm.

"You got everything?" Frank looked at Mary as she shrugged her pink backpack over her shoulder and nodded at him, grinning. "All set..." "Have a good time sweetie!" Fliss grinned as she bent to give her a hug. "I'll make sure Monty is ok, and Fred gets his ping pong ball." Mary wrapped her arms around Fliss, squeezing her before she turned to Frank and did the same. "Call or message me when you land." Frank straightened up as Mary turned to climb in the car as Evelyn held the door open. It was in instruction, not a request and that didn’t pass Evelyn by. She looked at him, smiled and nodded. "Of course. Our flight is due into Boston at 10pm so I'll let you know straight away." Frank nodded and Fliss slipped an arm around his waist as Evelyn settled into the car, the door closing behind them. "She'll be fine..." Fliss gave his hip a gentle squeeze as they both waved the car off, Thor playfully bounding after it for 2 or 3 strides, barking. "It’s only 2 nights sailor...she'll be back Sunday evening" "I know..." he sighed, turning to face her. "And I know it’s different to the last time she went..."

“But that won’t stop you worrying, I get it.” Fliss said, as she gently slid her arms round his neck.

“Stupid, huh?” Frank sighed, his hands falling to her hips.

“No, not at all. You’re behaving like any dad would…” “I’m not her dad.” Frank shook his head.

“And Bill isn’t mine, biologically.” Fliss looked at him, her head tilting to one side. “I’ve told you before, don’t sell yourself short.”

Frank took a deep breath and looked down at Fliss, her large brown eyes studying his.

“What you wanna do tonight?” He asked, changing the subject. It always made him feel slightly uncomfortable being referred to as Mary’s Father, it was almost like he was betraying Diane’s memory in a way. It was stupid, illogical, he knew, as he was her father, in every way but biologically…but still.

"How about you take me for a ride in the new truck?" Fliss smiled. “I’ve not sat in it yet!” Frank looked over her shoulder for a moment at the sleek, shiny new silver Mitsubishi Triton he’d taken delivery of that morning. He smiled a little, before he looked at Fliss, his hands flexing on her waist as he had an idea. "Why don't we see what's on at the Drive In up at Tampa? Good trip to give it a test and we can take the blankets and cool box up, sit on the back?" "Ooooh, sounds great!" Fliss grinned "grab some munchies too!" Frank nodded, giving her a peck on the lips before they headed back up to the apartment. The evening film turned out to be Bohemian Rhapsody which Fliss was eager to see and after checking the time they packed up the truck with what they needed before hitting the road. Fliss was taken with the modern interior of the new vehicle, fiddling about with the dials and the screen on the centre console, tuning the radio in and programming the rest of the stuff which Frank couldn't give a crap out. The only thing useful on there in his opinion was the built in GPS. "Did Greg call you today?" Frank asked Fliss as she sat in the seat beside him. She turned to face him, frowning. "I thought I told you?" Frank school his head, glancing at her. "Oh God, Frank, I’m sorry!" She slapped her palm to her forehead and groaned, shaking her head. Frank chuckled and reached out to squeeze her knee. "Honey, its okay" he assured her, giving her a smile which she returned. He knew why she had been quick to apologise. As part of their moving forward since their little 'blip' as Frank referred to it a few weeks back, Fliss had agreed one hundred percent disclosure on anything and everything to do with her ass hat ex and she didn't want him thinking she was holding out. Another part of the deal was they went to the police. After seeing the evidence and taking statements they had questioned John, who of course had denied it. Given that the evidence was circumstantial the prosecution had told Fliss that they wouldn't be pursuing it further however, upon learning this Greg, had taken matters into his own hands and was pushing for further action. Given that the weight of probability with John's history, swayed towards him being responsible Greg was actively yet unofficially harassing the Assistant District Attorney in Suffolk County (who he knew from Law School) to at least consider holding a Grand Jury Hearing. "He hasn't heard back from his pal at the DAs office yet." Fliss shrugged, her eyes moving back to the road "Mind you, John's been quiet though for the last month now since the photo. Part of me wonders if pushing for this is just gonna kick the Hornets nest so to speak." "Maybe." Frank mused. "But Greg seems confident if we can get him up in front of a Grand Jury, they'd without a doubt decide there was a case to answer." "He just wants to second chair the Prosecution" Fliss grinned and Frank snorted. "Yeah he has taken it kinda personally." Frank nodded, before he sighed and reached out for her left hand which was now nervously twisting the fingers of her right. He pressed a gentle kiss to her knuckles before he linked his fingers with his and dropped his hand to the arm rest between them. He didn't mention it again. Instead they concentrated on enjoying themselves and once at the Drive In, Frank reversed the truck so the flat bed was facing the lager screen. They sat in the back, cool box of beer and snacks at their disposal, huddled together and enjoyed their film, sharing the odd lingering, deep kiss that left the pair of them smiling and grinning like a couple of teenagers on the back row. Once the film was finished they headed home via one of the All Night Diners on the for a shake and some pie, at which point Frank received a photo message from Evelyn that showed Mary asleep in the back of her car, accompanied by the words "Safe and Sound" and a promise that Mary would call in the morning. He passed the phone to Fliss who grinned at the image. "See, nothing to worry about." She said gently, passing him the phone back. "I'm not worried..." he began to protest but Fliss simply arched an eyebrow and he let out a soft sigh. "Okay, maybe a little..." "It’s gonna be fine. She's going to come back full of tales about what a great time she had and that's the most important thing here Frank. You said you wanted her to be happy. Clearly, having Evelyn in her life is what she wants." "I know, I know...you're right." He nodded, before his attention flicked to the waitress who was bringing them their food. Once finished they made their way back home and decided to take Thor for a quick walk down to the Marina. It was dark, and getting a little bit chilly (well, as chilly as it ever got in South Pas) but it was nice none the less, just taking the time to themselves in the moonlight. As they walked and talked, Frank felt the veil of anxiety he had been feeling about Mary’s trip lift slightly and he started to relax properly. It was hard not to, he loved spending time with Fliss like this, just doing simple things alone and it didn’t escape him how if you had asked him eighteen months ago if he would be spending his Friday Nights walking down the Marina with his girlfriend of a year he would have laughed.

At that he stopped.

A year.

Fuck.

“Lissy��” he pulled her back to him. “It’s our anniversary tomorrow.”

“I know.” she smiled “I take it you just remembered?”

“No…” he started to protest, and then gave a laugh as she arched an eyebrow at him, calling him out.

“You’re so full of shit.”

“Maybe I did just remember but that’s only because every day with you feels as special as our first date.” “Oh fuck you Adler!” she snorted and he laughed, tilting his head back, his right hand flying to his chest. “That’s is such a shit line.” “Okay, okay, sorry!” he chuckled, tilting his head to look at her. “I’ve never been in this position before so cut me some slack huh!”

“Well, I’m not expecting a card or flowers or any crap like that.” she smiled “It’s not like it’s a wedding anniversary, which, for the record, when we get married, you forget one of those I would smother you to death in your sleep…” “When…” Frank looked at her, a soft smile on his face.

“I mean if.” She flushed, biting her lip.

“Nope, you said when…”

“Piss off.”

“So you don’t wanna marry me?”

“I didn’t say that?”

“So you do then…” “Frank, seriously, shut up!” She laughed, hitting him on his chest. With a chuckle, he dropped his arm round her shoulder. They continued their walk, looping around the marina to start the head home, when after a few moment she spoke again.

“But, hypothetically speaking, if I was to ask…” Fliss took a deep breath as they continued to walk, before she stopped and looked up at him. “Hypothetically?” “Of course…” She smiled, and looked down slightly, before she grinned up at him “Then it would totally depend on what ring you got me.”

“Materialistic…” Frank nodded, “Noted.” She shoved him again and he looked at her, “What?” he asked through his chuckle.

“I wonder why I love you at times.” “No you don’t.” He said gently and it was her turn to laugh as she shook her head.

“Yeah, you’re right. I don’t”

“You’ve still not answered my question…” He said, looking at her.

“Ask it properly and maybe I will.” she sassed back.

Frank felt his face split into a grin because that was all the damned answer he needed. He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to her lips before he pulled her close and they headed home, Thor running in front of them barking at the lights that were reflecting on the dark water.

******

Frank blinked. It took him a while to realise what had woken him, but his phone was ringing. Reaching for it with a yawn he looked at it, and as soon as the caller ID registered he sat bolt upright and answered. "Mother?" He frowned, his voice thick from sleep "What's happened?" "Don't panic..." she spoke immediately, and he felt his chest contract straight away in worry as she continued "but we're on the way to hospital..." "Why, what's going on?" He asked, as Fliss stirred next to him as he began to push the covers down, before swinging his legs so he was sat on the edge if his bed. "Mary started complaining of pains in her stomach just before bed. She seemed to settle after some pain relief but woke about half an hour ago screaming. So I decided call an ambulance." Evelyn's voice was calm but Frank could sense the underlying current of anxiety "they're here now and they want to take her in, they think its appendicitis..." There was a pause as someone said something to her on the other side and then Frank could hear Mary's soft crying and he felt a lump in his throat. "Ok, where are they taking her?" He asked "Cambridge?" "Yes." Evelyn spoke "Frank, I need to go but I'll call you as soon as I have news." "Ok." Frank nodded, standing up "I'll be there as soon as I can" Evelyn didn't argue, she simply promised once more to call as soon as there was an update and he hit cancel. "Frank?" Fliss asked softly, clicking on the lamp as he turned to face her. "What...."

"It's Mary." Frank looked at Fliss as he moved the wardrobe and pulled out a bag "She's been taken ill, they're err...taking her to hospital. I need to go..."

"Hospital?" Fliss threw the covers off the bed "What for?" "Suspected appendicitis..." Frank said, as he tossed the kit bag onto the bed "I don't know much more but..."

He took a deep breath as Fliss reached out for him, and he fell into her arms as she gently gave him a hug. He pulled away and ran a hand over his face.

"Ok, first thing's first." Fliss spoke. "We need flights..."

"Flights?" "Yeah, you can't drive there Frank." Fliss looked at him, "It will take you a day." "Yeah, yeah." he nodded, realising that his plan to simply jump in his truck and floor it was a ridiculous one, before he frowned. “Hang on, we?"

"Yes, we. You're not going on your own." "I don't want you back in Boston." Frank shook his head. "Not whilst..."

"Frank, I'm not having this argument with you." Fliss said sternly "Fuck John. This is Mary. I'm coming, end of discussion." Frank looked at her for a moment, her face was stern leaving him absolutely no doubt she was being serious. If he was 100% honest with himself, he didn't want to go without her either, so with a deep breath he nodded.

"I’ll sort the flights and then I'll call my mum and dad, they can come get Thor and Fred. Where's your ID?" "Kitchen drawer." he said, as he began pulling a few items of clothing and stuffing them in the bag. She nodded and headed out of the room, the lights in the hallway flicking on as she went. He shoved what he had pulled from his drawers into his bag. He hated this, he'd always been there when Mary was sick, and the fact he was a damned 3 hour flight away was killing him.

"Dad's on his way over, and the first flight I could get us on is at six-fifteen which gets us in at nine-twenty.” Fliss said, coming back, her phone in her hand "So that gives us just under three hours." she said.

Frank nodded and that was the confirmation she needed, and she tapped a button nodding. "That's done. So you're gonna need your paperwork, insurance etc..." "Yeah, that's..." he frowned, "erm..." "Filed with everything else." she looked at him, "It's in the drawer in the bureau."

"Right." "And we should probably take some more stuff for Mary." Fliss looked at him, "She's gonna be there a little longer than anticipated so she'll need more clothes, pyjamas...maybe a few books...want me to sort it?" "Please." he smiled softly at her, thankful that she seemed to have taken control.

She nodded and headed into Mary's room and began to pull a selection of things for her together, returning with them moments later. They spent the next 15 minutes gathering what they needed before they both dressed, and then there was a soft knock on the door. Frank made his way to answer when his phone rang again.

"I'll get the door honey." Fliss spoke softly as he answered the call.

"Mr Adler?" "Speaking." "This is Ava Fields calling from Cambridge Hospital...I just need to collect some details from you regarding Mary...I believe you're the Minor's official guardian?"

Frank took a deep breath and confirmed the status with the woman, and then headed into the living room, nodding slightly to Bill as he went to the file which Fliss had placed on the dining room table. Flicking through he found his policy details, number and proceeded to recite the information over the phone.

"Listen..." he spoke to the woman once he had finished "I'm in Florida at the moment, but I'll be flying up as soon as I can...in the meantime, could it be possible to delegate responsibility when I'm not reachable to Evelyn Adler, she's Mary's grandmother, my mother...she came in with her. I don't want anything to be held up whilst I'm in the air..." "No, of course Mr Adler." The woman spoke kindly, "I'll make a note that you're happy for Mrs Adler to be the point of contact until you arrive...now have a safe trip and try not to worry." Yeah, right.

With a thanks he cut the call and immediately dialled his mother.

"Any news?" he demanded.

"The doctor has just arrived." Evelyn spoke quietly "He's doing a quick physical then I suspect she'll be taken up for some tests or..." "Ok, well our flight leaves at 6:15." he said, walking back into the bedroom "Arrives in Mass at 9:20."

"I'll send a car for you." Evelyn said.

"Thanks." Frank said "Oh, and I've told the hospital that if they can't reach me to defer to you. I hope that's ok." "Of course it's ok Frank." Evelyn replied softly "She is my granddaughter." "Just call me the minute there's any news." he said, ignoring her sudden softness. "Sure." Evelyn said "And keep me posted as to where you are." With a goodbye Frank slid the phone into his pocket and unplugged the charger before he threw that into the bag along with his documents before he zipped it up and lifted it, along with the smaller one which contained Mary's stuff and headed into the hall.

"Hey Bill..." he said with a sigh, dropping the bags to the floor "Sorry, I wasn't being rude..." "Stop." Bill shook his head, cutting Frank’s apology off "How is she?" "Still being examined. I should know more shortly." he took a deep breath, looking at Fliss "Mother's sending a car for us once we land."

"Ok." Fliss said "I couldn't get two seats together but we're a row behind one another..." Frank nodded, it wasn't important. What was important was that they simply got there.

"Deep breath..." Fliss said softly, her hands resting on his arms "Have we packed everything?"

He nodded, running over the list in his head and Bill reached for one of the bags. "Ok, let's get going..."

"Dad's gonna drop us at the airport." Fliss said, "Save us having to sort out Car parking..." "Thanks." Frank looked at Bill, who waved his gratitude away.

"No problems...all set?" "Jacket." Fliss looked at Frank and he cursed, heading back into the bedroom. Grabbing the warmest one he owned, which was a dark grey Super-Dry zip up he carried it back into the hall and the three of them headed down to Bill's Range Rover.

15 minutes into the trip he had another call from Evelyn to say Mary was being taken up for scans as soon as possible.

"The initial examination seems to confirm it's appendicitis..." she said "They've given her a sedative for the pain and once the scans are done, if its confirmed they're going to need to operate. The good news is it doesn't appear to have ruptured so it can be done via a laparoscopy..." "Yeah, that's wonderful..." Frank said sarcastically before he sighed "Sorry, I'm just worried..." "I know." Evelyn said "But she's in the best place Frank." "Yeah..." he sighed, looking out of the window. "Thanks...keep in touch." He explained to Fliss and Bill who were both looking at him questioningly before they fell silent again, no one speaking for the rest of the journey, which took them just over 35 minutes in total. After giving Bill quick instructions for Thor and Fred, and the man promising to call Alan and Joanne for them, as it was unlikely they would be back on Monday, they both gave him a hug and Bill gently slapped Frank's back slightly, in as Fatherly a manner as he could have done.

Check in and security took them about 40 minutes to clear, meaning by the time the hit the lounge they had roughly an hour before they could start boarding. Fliss suggested they grabbed a coffee and Frank agreed, even though he didn't particularly want one, he knew it was a way of passing the time. He was also getting antsy as there hadn't been any more news from his mother or the hospital. Fliss directed him to sit on the tan, leather sofas in the Coffee Bar area of the lounge and headed to the counter to place their order. Whilst she waited she turned to glance at Frank, to see he had crossed one long leg over the other and was rubbing at his forehead with his hand. She knew he was worried, hell, they both were, but Frank was normally the level-headed one out of the pair of them, more often than not being the one bringing Fliss down from a rage when Mary came home and told about something a kid at school had said to her, even when Mary didn’t actually give a shit herself. But now the tables had turned and Fliss knew she had to be the calm one despite the fact she herself felt anything but.

Taking the coffees with a smile she turned and headed over to where he was sat, placing the mugs on the small table in front of them and then dropping gently into the seat besides him.

“Thanks.” he murmured, before he pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked it again.

"She’ll be ok Frank." Fliss said gently, her hand dropping to his knee.

"She's gonna be so scared Fliss" Frank sighed, his hand sliding into hers "A strange place, in pain, and ...I'm not there..." "No, but you will be as soon as we can." Fliss soothed.

"What if they operate, and then she wakes up and..."Frank's voice croaked "I promised I'd look after her and..."

"Hey..." Fliss said softly, her fingers tightening around his "You do look after her. No one could have predicted she would fall ill, that isn't something you can control, ok? I know it’s easier said than done but try and concentrate, keep a clear head. So when you do get news you can digest it rationally ok?"

"I know going back can't be easy for you." he looked at her, "But I'm glad you're here...I don't know what I'd have done without you before..."

"Probably jumped in your truck in nothing but your boxers." She said and he gave a soft chuckle.

"Probably" he agreed.

They made small talk for the rest of the time before their flight called and they headed to the gate. He called Evelyn to inform her they were boarding and she told him that they were still waiting for a doctor to come by with the scans results. That frustrated him, as it had been almost 2 hours since they had said they were referring her for one but there was nothing he could do about it.

They found their seats, Frank shoving their bags into any space in the overhead locker he could find and thankfully, the man next to Frank was happy to swap seats when Fliss explained the situation to him, meaning they could sit together. Whilst Frank had earlier stated it wasn't important he was glad he was by his side. He could take her hand, feel her presence which itself was calming.

The flight itself felt like the longest 3 hours of Frank's life. He tried to concentrate on a film, but that didn't work. Nor did the paper from the flight attendant, or trying to talk to Fliss. After 40 minutes he just settled into a contemplative silence, his mind working overtime, simply taking Fliss' hand in his as he willed away the minutes. Eventually, their descent into Logan was announced and after Fliss spoke to the flight attendant again, they were allowed to exit the aircraft first. Frank was back on his phone as soon as they walked off, and Evelyn answered immediately saying Mary had been taken down to surgery approximately 50 minutes ago. She assured Frank that Mary had been ok, knew he was on his way, and Evelyn had been with her whilst she fell asleep, which was something at least.

As they were travelling with their bags in the cabin, once they cleared security they didn’t have to wait for luggage reclaiming, and they strode quickly into the arrivals lounge where they were met by their driver who Frank greeted with a nod. They followed him outside to the sleek grey Mercedes and both climbed into the rear once Frank had tossed their bags into the trunk. Fliss gently placed her hand on Frank's knee as his leg was shaking and he shot her a small smile as he looked out of the window at the sights of the city he had left behind almost 8 years ago.

Nothing had changed, nothing of notice anyway. A few new housing developments here and there but as they made their way through to Cambridge it appeared to be the same leafy suburb he had once called home. Although he knew Fliss had lived in Concorde, this had to be jolting memories for her and it seemed he was right as he glanced sideways at her and noticed a look of contemplation on her face.

"You ok?" he asked, and she smiled, nodding.

“Was just thinking about how beautiful it all looks this time of year." He smiled softly and they fell into silence again, and less than 20 minutes after leaving the airport they pulled up outside the hospital. The driver hopped out and opened the trunk so they could grab their bags before they thanked the man and headed inside straight to reception. The woman greeted him, gave him the relevant floor and Ward name along with a room number, informing him Mary had her own private area which he was glad about.

"Come on..." Frank urged the elevator as it ascended to the floor they needed, tapping his foot on the floor. After what felt like hours, the doors opened and he strode out, his hand round Fliss' as they checked the signs on the wall.

"This way." Fliss tugged on his arm. She gently led him to the right and they checked the numbers on the doors before they reached Mary's. Without knocking Frank opened the door and Evelyn's head snapped up.

"Where's Mary?" Frank demanded as he spotted the bed was missing from the room. "Not back from theatre." Evelyn said, standing up and Fliss smiled at her, taking in her appearance. She was as casually dressed as Fliss had ever seen her, in a pair of jeans and a sweater, her hair pulled back into a pony tail and she noted how soft and almost maternal it actually made her look in contrast to her usual School Mistress appearance. "It shouldn't be long now...as soon as she's out they'll be taking her to the post anaesthetic care unit and come down to get us."

Frank dropped the bag he was carrying to the floor and walked to the window, taking a glance out, chewing the inside of his lip. Fliss watched him for a moment before she turned to Evelyn as she spoke.

"Good flight?" the woman asked, clearly trying to make conversation.

"Yeah." Fliss nodded "Felt like it took an age but..."

At that moment there was a knock on the door before it opened and they all turned to see a doctor step into the room.

"How is she?" Frank asked immediately.

"Mr Adler I presume?" The light haired man smiled at him. "I'm Dr Jeffords. Mary is fine, the operation went without hitch. If you come with me I'll take you up to PACU...but I'm afraid only 2 of you can come..." Frank took a deep breath and immediately looked to Fliss, who turned to Evelyn. "Evelyn, you can..." "No." she shook her head, "You go..."

"You can take turns if you wish." The doctor said gently "She shouldn't be in there for too long, once she's come round and her vitals are stable she'll be brought back down so..." Evelyn nodded and Fliss turned to Frank as he took her hand. With a final nod to his mother they followed the Doctor to the elevator.

"Just to prepare you, she does have an IV line in and could be a little groggy at first..." The doctor spoke as they followed him down a corridor. "That's all perfectly normal..."

Frank nodded as the Doctor opened a door to their right and Frank saw Mary for the first time in the middle of the bed at the far side. She looked so small and there was a nurse stood by her, checking something on a screen.

"Oh, Jesus.” Frank's voice caught in his throat and Fliss gently rubbed at his back.

"It looks worse than it is." Doctor Jeffords assured him "Like I said, there were no complications we just need to monitor her for a while until she comes round fully. Now if you need anything or have any worries, please just grab one of the nurses, and I'll be back in about half an hour to check on her. By the she should be with it enough to take back to her room."

Fliss thanked the Doctor as Frank walked over to Mary's bed, bending down gently to kiss the top of her head, his hand brushing her hair back off her face. She gently placed her hand between Frank's shoulder blades as the two of them stood looking down at Mary, Fliss' hand rubbing soft circles over Frank's grey t-shirt as he took a deep breath. "She looks so small." Frank said softly "I never considered how little she was really" "She's not." Fliss chuckled. "She is to you because you're big." "Big?" Frank looked at her and she shrugged, smiling. "Yeah you're tall...broad shouldered..." she mused, her eyes flicking back to Mary, her hand falling from his shoulders to the base of his back. "I'm just over six-foot, it's not that tall." Frank's lips curled into a smile "Your Steve is taller than me, your dad is the same size..." "Steve is an animal." Fliss said, shaking her head "he was your height at the age of 16. Ridiculous." At that Mary made a little noise, and her face creased up, eyes closed. "Hey." Frank smiled softly, his hand reaching out again, gently brushing her cheek. "Hey Stack."

Mary made a noise, and then her face screwed up and she began to try and sit up.

“Shhhh.” Frank moved further up the bed, gently bending over so his hands fell either side of her. “Just…stay calm, its okay…”

But even as he spoke she became even more visibly distressed, and no matter what he said she didn’t respond. He looked up at Fliss, helplessly, his eyes filling with tears and Fliss took a deep breath, swallowing as she called over for a nurse.

“I know this looks horrible,” the Nurse said softly as she strode over, “but she’s experiencing something we call Emergence Delirium, very common in children.” “What, what do I do?” Frank asked, shaking his head, his eyes still fixed on Mary as she yelled out, her arms flailing “I can’t…”

“There’s nothing you can do really other than gently talk to her, stay calm, be reassuring…” the Nurse said gently. “I promise you, she won't remember any of this when she comes round fully Mr Adler, it’s worse for you than her…”

Frank gently placed his hand on Mary’s forehead and at his touch she seemed to relax a little, so encouraged slightly he began to hum the melody to God Only Knows by the Beach Boys, something he had always sung to her as a small child, a song she’d grown up with and they now sang along to in the car on occasions. Fliss moved to his side, her arm curling round his waist as she simply stood with him, lending him comfort and eventually, Mary blinked, her eyes opening and when they focussed on Frank she gave him a small smile.

Frank let out the breath he had been holding and wiped his eyes hastily before she realised he’d been crying.

"Hey Stack." he said gently, looking at her, his hand softly stroking her cheek. "Welcome back."

She blinked again, and then looked to Fliss, her face cracking into an even bigger smile and Fliss reached down and gently placed a kiss on her head.

“Hey baby.” Fliss smiled.

“Evelyn…” Mary coughed slightly, her voice croaky and she looked at Frank “She said you were on your way…” “I got on a plane as soon as I could.” he said, “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here earlier.” “Where is she?”

“She’s in your room.” Frank said “Only 2 of us were allowed in here at once.” “Do you want me to go get her?” Fliss said.

“But then you would have to go.” Mary frowned.

“Yeah, but if you want Evelyn that’s fine…” “No.” Mary shook her head and Frank gently curled his hand around Fliss’. Mary closed her eyes again before she opened them and looked at Frank “Where’s Fred.” Frank let out a snort “I couldn’t bring a cat in here with me, Stack. Bill and Verity have him.” “And his ping pong balls?” “And his ping pong balls.” Fliss assured her.

“Oh, ok.” Mary looked at them both “That’s fine. Hey, did you bring me any snacks?”

Frank looked at Fliss, the pair of them sharing a grin before Frank shook his head “No, but when the doctor says it’s ok I’ll go get you whatever you want.” “Good, Evelyn wouldn’t let me have any chips last night.” she said, wrinkling her face “I know I’ve said this before but she really is bossy…” *******

When the Doctor returned he began his examination to make sure Mary was ok to move back to her room, and Fliss had to snort at the way Mary started demanding an in depth report on what exactly the Operation had done. Doctor Jeffords looked at Frank, who merely rolled his eyes with a smirk and gestured for him to answer so, with an amused expression he did just that. Mary quizzed him for a good 15 minutes until Frank stepped in and told her that the poor man had other people to go and see, not just her.

Little over 20 minutes after the Doctor was left they were back in Mary’s room, and she seemed fairly bright. Frank had been momentarily dumbfounded when he had seen his mother reach over to hug Mary, tears in her eyes when she had returned to her room. But Mary didn’t act like it was a big issue, so he could only assume that his mother must have hugged her before, and it struck him as being a little sad how surprised he was by this realisation.

The three of them sat with her, the TV on the wall playing something in the background. Frank made sure her laptop was charged so she had something to do as well in case she decided she was getting bored. They Face-timed Bill and Verity who were both over the moon to see Mary ok, and they talked to them for a good forty minutes, Mary demanding to see Fred and Thor as well, Bill making good natured grumblings about how he was offended she didn’t really want to see him. All in all, the day passed fairly quickly all in all, and at about 4pm the Nurse popped in to ask if Mary wanted something to eat. She nodded eagerly and when they returned with a list of what she could have, Frank sat next to her and they began to decide. Fliss smiled softly at the sight of him, sat up on the bed, arm looped round the headboard as they both pulled a face at something on the menu, shaking their heads.

“String beans by any chance?” Evelyn asked, clocking the exchange and Frank looked up at her.

“How did you guess?”

“You always hated them as a child and do does she….” Evelyn said, a little distractedly as her phone began to ring. She glanced at the number and then looked at Frank “Sorry, do you…” “No, go for it.” He said, nodding. She answered the call as she left the room, Fliss watching her go before she turned to Frank as Mary looked at him.

“Are you staying here with me tonight?” “Course I am.” he assured her “I’m not leaving until you can come home.” “And that’s tomorrow?” “If they’re happy you’re ok, yeah, tomorrow. Although you won’t’ be able to fly back to Florida for a while.” “Does that mean we’re gonna be at Evelyn’s for Thanksgiving?” Frank paused for a moment, he hadn’t even thought about that, or in fact where they were going to stay whilst Mary recovered. His mother’s was the logical option, despite how he had no desire to step foot in her house ever again, but that wasn’t important. What was important was Mary, and being at his mother’s was going to be a damned sight better for her than a hotel.

“Looks like it.” he nodded.

“Will we still get our dinner?” Mary frowned “Like, we said we would do a beef roast this year.” “I’ll still make you a roast.” Fliss smiled, “As long as Evelyn is ok with it.” “Ok with what?” Evelyn asked, walking back into the room.

“With us staying until Mary is well enough to fly home.” Frank looked at her.

“And Thanksgiving dinner.” Mary added.

“And dinner.” Frank nodded.

Evelyn looked at him “Well I assumed you would be staying with me until she was well enough to fly home, Francis…” Frank arched his eyebrow at the fact she’d dropped his full name and besides him Mary sniggered.

“Francis…that’s so lame…” “Hush.” he looked at her before he turned to his mother. “Are you sure?” “Of course, there’s plenty of room.” she said.

“Thanks. Who was on the phone?” Frank asked.

“Oh, just someone from the University asking how Mary was.” Evelyn shook her head, “No one important.”

“That all they wanted?” Frank asked, and Evelyn sighed

“I should have been on a call this afternoon.” “On a Saturday?” Frank looked at her.

“Research doesn’t stop at a weekend…” Evelyn glared at him. “But like I said, no important. I’ll catch up on what they wanted another time.” with that she rubbed at her eyes . Frank studied her for a moment and gave a sigh, she looked exhausted. They all did to be fair, but his mother was almost 65, she was bound to be feeling it a little more than he or Fliss.

“Why don’t you head off?” he asked. “Go catch up on whatever they wanted, get some sleep and come back in the morning…you too.” he turned to Fliss. Immediately she began to protest but Frank looked at her, shaking his head “Look, all that’s gonna happen is I’m gonna eat half of Mary’s dinner-“ “-hey!”

“-and fall asleep.” he finished, grinning as Mary glared at him over the threat regarding her food. “It’s 5 pm now…I guarantee by 8 I’ll be flat out.”

“Well then I’ll go at 8.” Fliss pouted.

Frank looked at her, about to argue but Evelyn stood up.

“I’ll call for my driver.” Evelyn said, “I’m not going to lie, I am dying for a hot bath and a bottle of Malbec.”

“I don’t want to go yet.” Fliss pouted.

Frank took a deep breath, “Really, we’re going to have this argument about you being a stubborn brat?” “No argument. I’m not going yet.” “I’ll go ahead.” Evelyn said, stepping in as she saw Frank glaring at Fliss “I could do with making sure the guest room is ready anyway and making a few calls. I’ll send the driver back for you in an hour or so?” Fiss took a deep breath and then sighed “Ok, fine.” Domestic argument averted, Evelyn bid Mary a good night, gently pecking her head before she turned to Frank who was sat next to Mary and surprisingly did the same to him. He swallowed and looked at her, frowning a bit. She looked like she was about to say something but didn’t, instead she stood up and told Fliss she would send her a set of keys back with the driver.

Frank watched her go before he turned to Fliss who looked at him, shrugging her shoulders.

“She clearly found her inner mom.” Mary said, and Frank looked down at her, “Something underneath the Mother.” “She’s always been mother.” Frank said “I’ve never once called her mom, not without her protesting anyway.”

“Her loss.” Mary shrugged and Frank frowned again, looking at Fliss.

“Why do you say that?”

“Coz Verity told me that being a mom and a nanna was the best thing ever.” she shrugged “If Evelyn’s only ever been a mother, well that sucks…” Frank stared down at her, utterly dumbfounded at her comment as she handed him the menu card “I’ll have the chicken, but no string beans…”

***** Little over an hour or so Fliss received a call telling her that the driver was waiting outside. Once they finished removing what Frank needed from the bag, Fliss turned to Mary and gave her a hug and kiss goodnight before Frank followed her out of the door.

“Call me when you’re home.” he said, and she nodded, stepping into his arms before she gave him a soft kiss.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can in the morning.” she said gently. “I love you.”

“Love you too.” he smiled, kissing her again “So much baby girl.” Smiling at the nickname she picked up the bag, and with a last peck to his lips she headed out.

The drive to Evelyn’s was reasonably quick, and Fliss soon found the car pulling off the main road onto a sweeping driveway and into a large, open courtyard. The house was big, bigger than her parents so it looked but it was hard to see much it was dark. She thanked the driver as he walked her up to the door with her bag, before handing her the keys. Once inside she found herself in an immaculate terracotta tiled hallway, illuminated by a very expensive looking floor lamp in the corner under the huge stair case. Fliss turned and gave the door a soft pull before she began to walk deeper into the house, bag deposited by the foot of the stairs. She headed into a large sitting area, which contained a pristine leather couch and matching arm chairs, large TV and followed that through to another area which contained a grand piano, a large table and numerous bookshelves. That led into a large kitchen with hanging, brushed copper lampshades, and the room looked as though it spanned the entire width of the house. She stepped inside and then through another door which led back into a hall, passing another two doors to her right, which were both closed.

Frowning, Fliss saw the front door was open slightly, she must not have shut it correctly, it was quite a heavy wooden one after all in comparison to their PVC one at the apartment and probably needed a little more than a quick tug. Making sure it was snapped shut and the lock had clicked she grabbed her back and made her way upstairs. She reached the top and then stood, looking round. The hallway circled back round the stairs, rooms on all four sides. With a shrug she headed down towards the first door an opened it. It was a spare room, but clearly where Mary had been staying. It was decorated in soft shades of dusky pinks and golds, and there was a small bookcase with a few children’s books, some puzzles and TV with a DVD player sat on top of it. Fliss smiled before she headed to the next one. This was a larger room with a huge double bed, and on top of it sat two sets of clean towels. Deciding this was likely to be the one Evelyn was prepping for them, Fliss dropped her back down, and shrugged off her jacket, glancing at the door that led to the en-suite. Taking a quick look inside she knew she really should find Evelyn before she did anything else so she continued down past the next room which was empty, then the huge bathroom with a roll top bath, until she reached the final one which was on the opposite side of the landing. She gave a soft knock, before she entered, glancing around at the opulent master bedroom as soft music hit her ears, along with the sounds of water sloshing in a tub.

“Evelyn?”

“Fliss?” the woman called back and Fliss headed over to the door of the en-suite.

“Yeah…sorry, I didn’t want to disturb you…”

“It’s quite alright, I won’t be too long. Have you found your room?”

“Yes, thank you.” “Ok, well, go and help yourself to a bottle of wine and run your own bath in the main bathroom. Fuck knows you can probably do with unwinding a little too.”

Although she knew Evelyn swore, the sound of the words from her mouth still made Fliss chuckle so after thanking her she headed back down the stairs to grab herself a bottle, as directed. She headed into the kitchen, and as she was passing the open door to her left which she assumed led into some kind of utility room, a movement caught her eye. She stopped, but before she could investigate further she saw a figure emerging from the shadows moving towards her. Automatically Fliss began to back away and she felt her eyes widen and her chest constrict in utter fear as the man’s features became clear as he strode into the soft light of the kitchen. It was a face she hadn’t seen, other than in her worst memories and nightmares for years, not since she’d seen the court bailiffs lead him down from the dock after the jury had delivered their verdict. His cold grey eyes locked on to hers and he gave her a sinister smile.

“Long time no see Felicity.” John said, arching an eyebrow. “You changed your hair.”

**** Chapter 24

#riding high #frank adler #frank adler x ofc #frank adler x original female character #gifted #gifted fan fic #chris evans #chris evans characters

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beautifulweird0 · 4 years

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Forgiving Your Parents

I know too many people who’ve experienced some form of trauma from their parents. This isn’t a blog about bashing your folks- this is hopefully a post that will help salvage some strained parent and child relationships. Cause I been there, done that-and understanding your parent is only feasible if your parent is interested in understanding you.

My disclaimer is this: The child isn’t responsible for mending the relationship...solely. I’mma tell you like this, if your parent doesn’t want anything to do with you...skip em’.

Because that’s backwards as hell and that takes away from loving yourself. Anyway you chop it, if you find yourself forcing yourself on a “parent”, the relationship isn’t going to go anywhere-AND THAT’S NOT YOUR FAULT OR CONCERN. YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL! YOU ARE EXTREMELY WORTHY. I’m so sorry your people ain’t solid; it’s a reflection of them-not you.

It’s my belief that something is wrong with a person if they want no parts of having a relationship with their child. Literally so messed up from their own unhealed traumas that they can’t find it within themselves to love someone they created…

Ain’t no fixing on that unless you take they ass to a therapist.

Moving on.

I’ve always had such a strong feeling in my gut when I come across new people. It’s like they look at me and think I got it all. Truly looking at me and seeing a woman who doesn’t have insecurities or childhood traumas spotted along her path cause I’m kind and always make it a point to smile like Granny told me.

I’m usually a private person. But its always been that ‘pull’ on me-telling me… “It’s another little girl that is going through the same stuff you went through. Say that shit anyway. And with your chest.” .

Think about it...

Can’t a soul embarrass you about some stuff you open about. That takes all the fun out of their miserable lives if folks know wassup already.

So as a 22 year old woman that been through some mess with her people, let me share pieces of me. Cause the last thing you want on your conscience is one of your parents passing and ya’ll not being on the best of terms.

I was listening to Mad Bitches the other day and Mikhala Jene said something along the lines of, “Nobody living is perfect”.

That hit me a little different. Like damn...nobody walks this earth perfect so...why do we expect perfection (again, subconsciously).

THIS.

This is why I say if your parent is trying, then work with them. If they sit down with you and tell you how life was for them coming up. The good parts, the ugly parts, and everything in-between. Trying their best to be authentic and build a bond, then meet em’ halfway (if they haven’t been on some stuff that’s just unforgivable).

And shit, our people ain’t have everything at their fingertips as we do. The apps that spread information quicker than you could sneeze, weren't available. They couldn’t go on a ‘self-care’ page to calm themselves down if triggered or go on YouTube and watch motivational videos. Not making excuses, just using a little perspective that helps me! Yet and still, let your parent(s) know if they did something to wrong you; you gotta’ have respect for yourself as a human. Period.

I didn’t find out who my biological father was until I was about 16 years old. Up until that point I believed another man was my father (which he is still and will always be!).

Sooo...I already had abandonment issues from my parents and my dad lived in a way at that time, that all parties involved thought it was best my grandparents took us in. That’s all I know is Granny’s (& Grandpa’s) house since I was a baby.

It helped that when my mom told me who my biological dad was, she was in a much better state of mind and stable-but man...I didn’t know what to feel. My sister was more upset than me (cause we have the same dad hypothetically).

So many questions ran through my head that I couldn’t even cry or be mad. I was shocked. Everyone played their role so well…

There was a long road ahead of me. Not only did I have to forgive my mom and dad for lying to me for so long, but there was a father in the same city I had yet to know.

My first point is patience. If you aren’t going to be patient with an end goal for you and your parent, you’re wasting your time. Being prepared for them to fumble sometimes is mandatory if y’all going to get to a better place. You mess up on certain projects or what have you’s a few times before you get it right...right?

Give your parent the same energy if you were in their shoes. Cause baby...ain’t nothing worse than admitting your wrongs and still getting beat down. I couldn’t bring myself to be mad at my mom in that moment where she was vulnerable and upset cause she knew she played a part in hurting me. What was it gone do but make me feel bad and her feel worse?

Blowing up wasn’t going to change what happened now 22 years ago.

Yeah, there’s hella’ books on parenting but I’mma tell y’all like my Granny told me, “There’s no such thing as a book on how to be a parent.”.

Having a child of my own- I’ve been witness to this. Folks can be shown and folks can be told on how to do certain things but with each child being different in this world, you have to be intune with them specifically- no book on that.

I was through hell and back with my mother and now we’re in an extremely better place because we both made the effort (more-so on her part 🌚).

But it was my responsibility to go into it with pure intentions and my guard down a bit after she made the effort; disappointment is what I expected sometimes cause I went into it knowing it was going to be a process.

Don’t get it confused, my mom always knew how I was-that wasn’t the issue. The new end goal was getting to know each other again so I could understand her better so I could forgive her. That’s no sucka’ shit. Its real. Everybody in this life is going to disappoint you, one way or another. Better to know what you’re dealing with so you can assess the situation in order to better assess the person. Free game.

Another step to keep in mind is, boundaries. I just feel like it will make the whole exchange smoother-not easier- but smoother. The point of forgiving your parents and (if you chose) trying to build a relationship, is to have them know you for who you are NOW. Not when you were 5, not when you was 12...have them meet you at your level. They dropped the ball, not you. Sure...nobody asked to be here but that becomes invalid when you start having babies of your own. It’s a different ball game when you bring a life into this world. Your joys become the joy of your children but way too often we forget that our pain becomes theirs as well.

My father always tried too-the dad that I always knew as my dad. On weekends me and my sister would go to his house before he moved to Michigan. Man I was a daddies girl-still am. My grandparents had the house on lock, couldn't watch programs with cussing in it or too much violence. Life of having Southern Baptist grandparents I guess.

The weekends at pops house was always interesting. I could watch all the music videos I wanted and watch the movies that didn't have too much goin on in them.

My dad would do different stuff with us like go to the library; he always knew I loved reading. Sometimes my dad would take us to the park or a friends house who had kids (how I met my husband), water parks, or even cooking dinner with me and my sister; plenty of quality time where I could talk to him about anything.

However, at the time, pops lived a certain lifestyle and no matter how hard he tried to shield it from us younger kids, I still seen things and experienced things a child shouldn't have. Again, comes with the lifestyle I guess.

My dad drunk...ALOT. And it was interesting to see the 'upsides' of alchoholism and the very big downsides. I'd never forget, I was maybe 8? Another weekend at my dads, just me and my sister (I have multiple brothers on that side too plus another sister), and I woke up one morning on the couch. My dad was goin through some things- all he had was a couch that he let me and my little sister sleep on. My 1st thought when I woke up was where was my dad sleeping? My sister was sleep, and it was still fairly early in the morning. I go back to the empty bedroom to find him sleep on the floor. No pillow. No cover. Just a beer in hand, laid out. That broke my heart.

Just remember feeling sad all over. I took the beer, threw it away then grabbed the pillow I had and laid it under his head. While doing so, my dad woke up, halfway and kissed my hand.

He told me straight up he loves me and he apologized. Didn't go into detail but he didn't have to. My dad never had his pops in his life, nor his mama until he was grown and was taking care of her though her illness.

I knew even at 8 years old that, that gotta hurt. I'm not gone sit here and act like I always understood the motives of my father but I tried because he always tried to understand me and til' this day, he is one of the top 3 people that KNOWS me like the back of his hand.

I had to forgive my parents because they’ve come a long way. Holding all that anger and resentment wasn’t gone help me in the long run. And in a way I can say I've helped to heal them by loving them through their screw ups. We always talk about a parents love but what about a child's love?

I don’t want to pass down my pain to my son, he don’t need that- the world will give its fair share. But everyday I pray that the world won’t hurt him bad. I want my son to be nothing less than strong mentally, emotionally, but most of all spiritually. He won’t have that unless I’m solid. So I ask myself… ‘hm, what’s still hurting me?’.

We all got a story to tell.

Love. Peace. Manifest.

#black #love #hate #generationalcurses #generations #hurt #healing #blackfamilies #blog #monetsway #alcoholism #mother #father

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jewfrogs · 4 years

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so you want to be a pirate: a guide to book acquisition

disclaimer: for legal purposes, everything i’m about to say is purely hypothetical. it would be terrible if anyone were to use the advice outlined in this post to commit any ill*gal activities.

i’ve seen a few posts on here about ways to pirate tv shows and movies, which are great, but getting books can be slightly more complicated and pose higher security risks. this guide is for people who want to get into book piracy but aren’t sure how to go about doing it. it’ll be broken down into three sections: (i) Staying Safe, (ii) Where? and (iii) How?.

i. STAYING SAFE

unlike streaming movies or shows, pirating books generally involves downloading files to your computer, which carries a higher level of risk for viruses and malware. it’s important to be mindful and keep yourself safe. one of the most important things to keep in mind is that no book will ever download as a .exe or .dmg. those are file formats for software on windows and mac respectively. if a file you download that isn’t specifically software ever comes in that format, delete it immediately, because there’s a good chance it’s a virus.

in terms of privacy and security, a vpn (virtual private network) isn’t strictly necessary for pirating, but it’s absolutely recommended. very basically, vpns protect you by encrypting your data and disguising your ip address, meaning that your activity cannot be traced to your machine or to you. there are hundreds of vpns out there; this guide by thatoneprivacysite is a great resource to help you choose one.

you’re also going to want a robust adblocker, because most file transfer sites are crawling with ads. i personally use ublock origin and find that it works super well for me; the other two most popular adblockers are adblock and adblock plus (two unconnected products). additionally, i recommend installing this anti-adblock killer script (stops most sites from asking you to disable your adblocker to continue) and adsbypasser (prevents popup windows and skips countdown ads).

finally, one of the best things you can do for your internet privacy in general is to stop using google chrome. switch to a browser that keeps your data safe and secure; you can visit this page on privacytools.io for more information. i recently switched to mozilla firefox, and i can’t recommend it enough. (as an extra step, consider not using google as your primary search engine and switching to duckduckgo instead.)

ii. WHERE?

there are a lot of websites where you can find free ebooks. the three that i use are:

forum.mobilism.org: a crowdsourced forum where users post a wide variety of ebooks, including audiobooks. two things to note: 1) you do have to make an account to search the site, but doing so is completely free, and 2) the files are hosted on outside file transfer sites and linked to on mobilism, which means you’ll occasionally find posts with dead links, which is super frustrating.

library genesis: possibly the BEST ebook website. genuinely unmatched. files are hosted on the site itself, so you never get dead links, and there are several mirrors for each file. the site occasionally goes down, but there are multiple alternate links you can use. it has sections for fiction, scientific articles, comics, and “sci-tech” (nonfiction—this is where you look if you want textbooks!)

zlibrary: i don’t use this one as often, and the search function can be a little janky, but it has an extensive library of books (mostly nonfiction or popular fiction)

i don��t personally use other ebook sites very often, but here’s a repository of piracy links made by reddit user (i know) u/Wiggly_Poop that has sections on ebooks and textbooks, in case you can’t find what you’re looking for with the three above.

iii. HOW?

understanding how ebooks work can be slightly daunting at first, so here’s a quick breakdown of the file types you’re likely to see on these sites:

.epub: “electronic publication”; this is, in my opinion, the platonic ideal of an ebook. epubs can be opened in ibooks or another e-reader app, they adjust to your screen size (and you can manually adjust font and font size), and i believe they’re compatible with screenreaders. i almost exclusively read epubs. i just think they’re neat!

.pdf: “portable document format”; i think most people have a general understanding of what a pdf is. pdfs can be viewed on pretty much any device you can think of, including in internet browsers and e-reading apps, without the use of additional software. pdfs don’t adjust to different screen sizes or allow you to change the font size, however, which can be difficult if you’re reading on a small screen. (textbooks and such are almost always pdfs.)

.azw/.azw3: the kindle file extension. to my understanding, these can only be read on kindles. i do not have a kindle, so i know very little about them.

.mobi: another ebook format similar to epubs, but you can’t open them in ibooks (where i do my reading) so i don’t use them or know much about them. they’re compatible with kindles, calibre, and other file readers specifically designed for mobis.

you’re probably going to want a file unpacker/decompressor as well. sometimes, especially when you’re using mobilism, the file you download will be compressed (typically in the .zip or .rar formats). this reduces the size of the file and allows you to upload multiple books as one file, but they can’t be accessed directly and have to be “unpacked” first to get the contents out. i believe that both windows and mac can unzip .zip files directly (with a double-click), but .rars require another program. for windows, i recommend 7zip, and for mac, i recommend keka, both of which are free and easy to use.

and there you have it! there’s a lot i haven’t touched on here, but this is pretty much all you need to know to get started finding books on your own. the bulk of this information comes from my own experiences pirating books, which i’ve been doing for a few years now and never had significant trouble with.

if you have any questions after reading this post, feel free to send them my way!

#piracy guide #there we go!!!

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dazedandlucid · 6 years

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not the person that asked you but i read you answer and the "most human beings aren't meant to function in monogamous relationships". now you changed MY whole world view. would you expand on that? like, what have you learned about that? is there any article/research you recommend to read about this?

quick disclaimer: i am not a scientist or sociologist or an expert in any of the below. this is just what i have come to learn through school and my own reading/studying. as you should with everything you read on the internet/life, take all it with a grain of salt.

so there’s research on whether or not monogamy is “natural” or “meant to be functional” because it’s both a rare occurrence observed in the animal world/nature (the numbers have it about 3-5% if i’m not mistaken) and it’s also a relatively young custom as a the designated social norm in terms of human history. to put it in mathematical/numbers terms, humans as a species are roughly 300k~ years old, have lived in what we considered as societies for about 50k, and monogamy/marriage as we think of it has roughly been practiced for about 1k years and the version we have of it today didn’t really take off till about mid last millennia/the 17th century. this is purely from biological/evolutional perspective. two partner monogamous couples have probably always existed or occurred alongside this probably in some shape or form, but they weren’t the majority/norm is where the research is basically at.

so then we can also really look at it as a bigger picture aspect we can observe, as in it hasn’t happened (or been happening for) that often. going by what we know of historical accounts, anthropological studies, a lot of human societies and civilizations didn’t practice monogamy the way we do now. i think also by just looking at our current society and patterns that have been observed in marriages and human relationships, monogamy is not “easy” now for many either.

but does this mean people shouldn’t or can’t be monogamous? no. people do tons of things that aren’t “normal” or “instinctual” for them that they become successful or experts in. it just takes work. it’s a lot of the times, a choice to be good at it or stick to it. for some reason, people can apply this to running or public speaking but not to their romantic relationships. then again, most people aren’t good runners or public speakers either.

so i have an issue with my wording that i used in that reply about being “meant” to be monogamous, because that’s not really the way to look at it either. that ask rubbed me the wrong way because it didn’t seem like that person wanted to have a genuine discussion with me but rather to come on my tumblr and tell my things about one of my ships that i hadn’t talked about or alluded to and it honestly just took me off guard. it was less about taehyung and jungkook and whatever their hypothetical relationship status is or isn’t but more to do with my never ending issues with how people love to simplify others into neat little boxes. it’s very shallow and goes against who we are as people to me personally.

i’m not gonna link you long language dense academic papers bc i don’t wanna bore you but i’m gonna link some stuff bellow that go into it way deeper and have better worded explanations/facts. but again, don’t take them as the law. human knowledge is constantly changing and growing and articles we read online (academic books/articles too) have a bias/perspective in them and it’s important to keep that in mind.

http://www.hopesandfears.com/hopes/now/question/216753-are-humans-meant-to-be-monogamous (i’m really linking this for the quotes from the experts. the think piece isn’t really relevant to this ask)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/not-born-yesterday/201605/monogamy-is-not-natural-human-beings?amp

https://amp.livescience.com/32146-are-humans-meant-to-be-monogamous.html

https://youtu.be/DCGyLjBjuGI (i have my own issues with vox sometimes even though i do like their stuff but this video really has a wide perspective and explains multiple ways to look at it very well.)

i hope some of this was helpful/informative (and not too much of a chore to read haha)

#ask #anon

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greywindys · 7 years

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Can you give me your thoughts and headcanon on every band characters past, like there childhood? (Also I want to know your thoughts and headcanons on Hannibal?)

Hey! So I held onto this one for awhile because I was trying to figure out how to answer it while also keeping it at a moderate length. If you’ve been following this blog for awhile, you probably know I’m terrible at writing short answers and to write down everything I think about every character’s past is near impossible for me to fit into one ask. I’m also not much of a hc person…I tend to think of scenarios before I think things like “HC that ________ cooks _______every morning for breakfast” so idk how well I’m going to be able to do this. I’ll give it the college try tho with a disclaimer that I could probably write 1000+ words on all of these but I’m going to abbreviate things for this ask. Answer under the cut!

Noodle: I’m assuming you mean before she joined Gorillaz? I have more questions than answers about that part of Noodle’s past, and I don’t particularly have any strong feelings that it should be any which way. Who were her parents? Did they giver her up to be part of the experiment? Or did they not have a choice? Was her life up until age 10 like, relatively normal? I’m guessing she grew up with the the other children, so maybe daily life was similar to a boarding school setting with all the classes focused on combat and military strategies. Or maybe her parents did play some role in her life and she actually stayed with them when she wasn’t at training. And what eventually made the government label a group of children “too dangerous” to the point of where they had to be killed? This adds a bit of a disturbing element to it because it makes you wonder what they knew, what their capabilities were and what sort of mind set the training was instilling into these really young kids. I’ve often wondered whether Cyborg Noodle was meant to be a reflection of what Noodle could have become, and I’ve always thought it would have made for an interesting arc to have her struggle between her super soldier self and the self she became growing up with the band.

Russel: I have some issues with Russel’s backstory tbh, mostly because it feels a little bit lazy and because of the presence of stereotypes. There *are* some really interesting elements to build upon though. I like to think the school he attended in Brooklyn was a school for the arts, and that he had a variety of friends who experimented with a wide range of music styles. Also, Brooklyn is known for being like, a hub of culture so I also like to think he and his friends had certain record stores and restaurants they frequented, and that this helped Russel cultivate a lot of the sophisticated taste in fashion, food, music etc. that he exemplifies when we meet him in Phase 1. I also like to think that they had their own jams session together, and that many of his friends were aspiring musicians themselves. And think that in some ways, Russel sees the same sort of magic he experienced with his friends in Gorillaz, and it’s played some role in keeping him invested in the band, though evokes many complicated feelings for him. Though it seems to have been dropped, I also believe Russel is/was pretty religious, or at least he was in Phase 1. I always tend to think of him having an interest in spirituality, and that this helped him process his friends’ deaths. That being said, I see him as someone who views religion with a critical eye, especially as he seems to have become more wary of the world (per some recent interviews).

2D: Aw. 2D had the most mundane upbringing of everyone. I know I’ve said talked about this or written this out before, but I’ll place it here too but I’ve always seen him as having been very close with his parents, particularly his dad who was (for me at least) the driving force behind his creativity with keyboards and instruments. IIRC, his father allowed him to watch and help him with the various fairground equipment. I like to think that as 2D got older, he was also able to close up the fair, and sometimes he would sneak his friends onto the fairgrounds after dark where they would sit among the vacant rides and tell each other creepy stories. His hometown, again, if I’m not mistaken, is relatively rural so the night sky was always crystal clear. And honestly? This comes out of nowhere but I’ve always like to think 2D did or does have an interest in stars and outer space. He used to want to be a storm chaser when he was younger, loved zombie movies, there seems to be an interest he has in the unknown. So idk, I like to add on that he also had this weird interest in alien conspiracies and reading about all the ridiculous things that happen on the different planets.

Murdoc: There’s a lot to say about Murdoc’s childhood but what I’m going to focus on here is that it was soul crushingly lonely and I’m honestly awe struck at time of just how he was able to semi-successfully push back at EVERYTHING that was hypothetically working against him. Murdoc’s father hated work, so I always take that to mean that he never had a steady job so the home was in a state of constant chaos- either there wasn’t food in the fridge, the electricity got turned off, the water was turned off, there were sketchy people hanging around inside etc. Sometime his father would just up and leave be gone for day, some days he’s would be passed out on the couch all day and other days he would just be incredibly angry and nasty. So everything was uncertain. And on top of that, we also know Murdoc wasn’t popular in school or with people in general so he like, literally had no one, no secure attachments. So forming a sense of identity and self-esteem, and also processing the fact that he is human and wants to belong somewhere or mean something to someone; that was all on him. I think this drove a lot of his interest in Satanism and the occult because he was looking for something bigger than him to make sense of his life and also something dark enough to channel the anger and frustration that probably wasn’t safe to express at home. He became a bit of drifter as well, leaving the house for days at a time, which got him into situations at a young age that he wasn’t prepared to deal with (i.e. the diner lady) but also some people who helped him out. I always like to think he got his first bass from some random person, like, idk, some eccentric thrift store owner who had a bunch old crap that he started talking to about death metal one day and they just hit it off lmao. And we see some of that drifting today with how he gets lost in bars or says he’s “going out” and then the band can’t find him.

Hannibal: I don’t think about Hannibal that much tbh! I don’t think we ever learned their age difference, right? Personally, I always picture him as somewhere between 3-5 years older than Murdoc. I don’t really think he and Murdoc had that good of a relationship (there’s an anecdote that Murdoc tells in some interview from Phase 1 where he recounts a time Hannibal invited him to a concert just so his friends could beat him up and that he never got to see the show because he was unconscious) but they did have some rare moments of “bonding” (i.e. setting things on fire together, attempting to make their own bombs). Hannibal was in and out of jail and juvenile detention from a young age so Murdoc likely didn’t see him that often and eventually, Hannibal moved out. Still, I feel like Murdoc still like, occasionally hears from him, even though he doesn’t want to and it’s always like, pure mean-spirited trolling (for lack of a better word). Somehow, he always tracks down his number.

#asks.#nonnez #omg this only like hald hc but i tried lmao

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osberend · 7 years

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I too avoid showing empathy for people who may be upset because I dislike their father's politics, and so will question whether it would be upsetting to see depictions of loved one's decapitated and bloody heads.

Before I reply to the substance of your remarks, let me note: You’re accusing me of having said things that I have not (as far as I can tell) said. The uncharitable interpretation of that is that you’re deliberately distorting what I’ve said in an attempt to score rhetorical points. The charitable one — setting aside for the moment the possible that I accidentally said something that I do not actually endorse, which I will handle shortly — is that you’re not reading very carefully. And the charitable interpretation of that would seem to be that you’re becoming upset by the general gist of what I’m saying, and your emotion reaction is clouding your analysis of the details.

If that’s the case — which is a fairly common thing and probably happens to everyone (or at least, everyone who experiences disgust at all) to some extent — I’d suggest stepping back from the computer, doing something you enjoy, and then evaluating whether continuing this discussion with me is actually worth it. It may not be. I assume that I don’t know you, or you wouldn’t be sending this ask anonymously, at least without adding some sort of disclaimer as to why you are doing so[1]. So this is probably not an issue that you need to hash out with me because of its perceived relevance to future interactions we might have. And since I’m not arguing for people to go out and do anything beyond perhaps making some harsh comments in internet discussions with people who are not personally affected by this, it’s not like you need to try to stop me lest I seriously harm someone else. If continuing this conversation is harming you, you can simply walk away.

If you decide to continue, I would recommend rereading my posts before replying in order to confirm that there are specific statements, as opposed to overall impressions, that support your accusations. Not only will that reduce the likelihood that you will conclude that I’m saying things that I’m not — which will likely result in you feeling less distress, and not just in me feeling less frustration — but if I am, in fact, saying what you think I am, because I’ve been careless with my logic or imprecise with my language, being able to point to the words with which I’ve said it will increase my ability to recognize and fix the problem.

Or, I suppose, it will turn out that I really do believe things you find appalling, I’ll confirm that, and you and others can make what use of that information you will.

That long preface completed, my (also long) response to your accusations themselves:

I’m not big on “feeling empathy” or “showing empathy” in the sense that is distinct from “having sympathy” or “acting on sympathy,” either in terms of what I do well or in terms of what I think is actually good and useful. I’m not sure if that’s actually relevant here, but it might be, so I’ll mention it.

Possibly relevant if you don’t know me: I am (mildly) autistic. My functional (or even just semi-functional) responses to distress, whether my own or someone else’s, tend to be quite analytical. I don’t always have great insight into my own emotions and psychology, but sometimes I do, and I certainly try to in general. The accuracy of my modeling of others’ psychology … varies.

I believe in desert ethics. I believe that some actions are morally good, and are deserving of reward, and that some are morally bad, and are deserving of punishment. In some, but not all, cases, other people ought to inflict that punishment if they can. But even when they should not, if the individual suffers as a result of their own morally bad action, then provided that that suffering is not excessive in relation to the amount of their guilt, it’s perfectly reasonable (and probably affirmatively morally good) for others to feel satisfaction at that, and certainly more than reasonable for them to simply not give a shit about it.

I do not believe these things about mere thoughts, or about unendorsed beliefs, but I do believe them about endorsed beliefs. (Although in general the level of moral goodness or badness is going to be rather lower for endorsed beliefs than for actions.) For a variety of reasons, actively seeking to punish others’ endorsed beliefs is something that one ought to be cautious about, and I think that it is rarely if ever justified to deny people what would otherwise be their rights on that basis. But that’s immaterial when the issue is satisfaction or indifference at people’s morally wrong endorsed beliefs causing them suffering directly.

You may not agree with the beliefs I just described. Many people in my social circles do not. You may even think that they are stupid, or evil. But, as @slatestarscratchpad eloquently put it in relation to a different issue, “if so, please localize the stupidity [or evil] here, and not ten logical steps down the line […]“

Relatedly, please understand that I do not simply dislike his father’s politics; I think that many aspects of them are evil. Now, you may or may not agree with that. You may or may not be a moral realist at all.

But realize that many people are, that I am among them, and that this actually matters for how you describe our positions, at least if you actually want to communicate with us. “Because X is wrong, I support Y” and “because I dislike X, I support Y” do not express the same beliefs for us, nor do they reflect the same psychological reality. If you accuse me (and I suspect that I’m far from alone in this) of saying the latter when I said the former, you will at best cause me to perceive you as being deliberately, unnecessarily insulting, which is hardly likely to persuade me that you’re arguing in good faith. And if I don’t happen to think about the possibility that you’re some sort of non-cognitivist (which is quite a lot stronger than merely being a moral non-realist), I’m likely to conclude that you are either factually confused or deliberately lying about what I said.

That kinda turned into another preface, about my general meta-ethical views. Here’s the object-level, probably:

I explicitly rejected the idea that it’s fine for Barron to be upset (about arbitrary matters), purely because his father is evil. My position[2] is essentially the following:

I find it highly implausible that he actually thought it was real.

Assuming for the sake of argument that he thought it was real, that’s very likely that this was a result of past morally culpable choices of his.

If he was distressed by the reminder that people hate his father and want to see him dead, that implies that he desires for people not to hate his father and want to see him dead.

If that desire is an endorsed one, then he is morally culpable for endorsedly holding it, because his father deserves hatred and death, and he is therefore endorsedly desiring for others not to hold perfectly correct desires.

That level of moral culpability is sufficient to make the suffering that he has experienced a deserved punishment. (Note that this conclusion is arguably independent of the severity of the suffering, at least up to a point, under the assumption that both the suffering and the culpability are proportional to the intensity of the desire.

I don’t see why he should experience distress as a result of seeing the image if he neither believe it to be real nor objected to others holding the desires that it reflects.

Note that this last point is not a consequence of the previous ones, it is a separate premise. It could well be wrong — as I noted, I am not always the best at analyzing the psychology of others — while the rest of my position was right, or vice versa.

I probably did not explicitly make the endorsed/unendorsed distinction earlier (I need to get off tumblr now and do some other things, and don’t have time to check). If that’s the source of your (mis)understanding of my position, I regret that.

It’s also possible that my position is in fact inconsistent with some other moral positions of mine, or that it’s consistent but wrong. And feel free to argue that if you’re so inclined. But please try to do so on the basis of what my position actually is.

[1] Perhaps that assumption is incorrect. Honestly, I’m puzzled by the anonymous nature of a lot of asks that a lot of people receive. I’m not saying that you’re obliged to send sarcastic criticism nymously if I know you, although I do think that that would be somewhat more honorable, but I’m puzzled as to why you wouldn’t.

[2] Which, I should note, I’ve explicitly indicated is not totally settled. I’ve given my tentative thoughts on the object-level matter, but my bigger focus has been simply pointing out that the existence and coherence of the moral perspective that I’m tentatively endorsing, and arguing that people should take the possibility that those making certain statements are coming from that perspective, and not automatically round it off to “children of evil people should suffer.” In particular, I noted some uncertainty on the question of whether Barron’s age (in the relevant hypothetical, since I remain unconvinced that this actually happened) reduces his culpability sufficiently to make his consequent suffering excessive as punishment, and hence, unfortunate.

#cw: scrupulosity triggers #desert ethics #ursae don't look

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