#had me screaming laughing and also crying cuz I’m bad at video game

[lintlesunflowerart]

#sonic the hedgehog #sonic is dead #murder of sonic the hedgehog #I made this in like 10 min after beating the game because idc I loved it #had me screaming laughing and also crying cuz I’m bad at video game

[malleux]

idk if my request went through cuz my internet went weird just now-- but anyways, could I perhaps get a soft corpse x reader in which they're all playing among us and Rae or Sean invites (y/n), who none of them have every heard of, and she's just very shy but has an adorable childlike voice, and is an incredible imposter? Like she's just super convincing just like corpse, and can tug at the heartstrings with her voice? thank you!

spell. | corpse husband

part two ; part three

-> Pairing: Corpse Husband x Fem!Reader

-> Fandom: uhh youtubers? idk

-> Genre: Fluff, Crack

-> Warnings: Cursing

-> A/N: hi it’s a long overdue corpse fic :) it’s not the absolute best and for that i’m super sorry i’ve just got to get in the groove of writing for him!

corpse husband taglist is closed!

You were never one to enjoy the spotlight. Instead, you were often found in the background of things, just observing the extroverts who managed to get themselves in the middle of everything.

You had a nerve to admire them- their ability to just get out there and show their true selves, despite so many people watching their every move. Just the thought of it made you shudder. Yet you couldn’t help but also be rather envious of them.

Them, in question, being Sean McLoughlin.

You weren’t quite sure how you became associated with Jacksepticeye himself, choosing to focus on the present and future with your friend rather than dwelling on your past. He was just Sean, your internet friend. And also Jacksepticeye- a famous youtuber with millions of followers.

Sean was who you aspired to be in life. Outgoing, happy, out there, everything positive in life that Sean had, you wanted.

He’d confided in you often about how nervous he’d get before streams or videos, fearing that he’d say the wrong thing or upset his fans, but he still put on a brave face and went out into the chaos. That’s what you admired. His ability to conquer those anxieties.

You wished you could do that. You were simply too nervous.

Which is why when Sean facetimed you one night- morning, actually, seeing as it was 3am in California, where you were- asking you to join a game of Among Us for one of his videos, you adamantly refused.

“Why? Please, Y/N, we need one more person.” Sean begged, “It’ll be me, you, Felix, Ethan, Corpse, Julien, PJ, and Dave. Not everyone’s playing today, it’s a smaller crowd.”

“But it’s still a lot.” You groaned, “I don’t even know them. I just know you.”

“They’re nice! You literally watch their videos.” He argued back.

“That’s the point, Sean! They’re famous, I’d just be some random chick in the game that everyone asks where the fuck she came from.”

“No, you’ll be the girl that everyone adores. Now get on, we’re playing in ten.”

You sighed as the phone hung up and turned on your computer. A Discord invite was waiting for you- Sean must have invited you for you to talk to everyone as you played. You accepted with shaky fingers and put your headphones on, pulling up Among Us and typing in the game code.

“Hello everyone- wait, who’s pink?”

“She’s a good friend of mine,” Sean explained to Felix, “Say hi Y/N. We’re streaming live right now.”

“Hello,” You couldn’t help the meek tone in your voice, smiling shyly as if you were actually on camera. “Wait, you’re streaming? Sean, I thought you said it was a recording for a video.”

“I, well. It’s a video all right.”

The group laughed, but you stayed silent, fixating your attention on a lower voice that chimed in at the end.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Y/N. I’m Corpse.”

“The King of Imposters.” PJ joked, making Corpse laugh.

You giggled a bit, “Hi…”

Felix gasped. “Corpse, her voice is like, the total opposite from yours. Her’s is so cute.”

Corpse laughed as well. “Agreed. I like it.”

As the game loaded, your heart practically dropped.

Imposter.

As if your nerves weren’t bad enough as they were. But, on the bright side, you were with Sean as the other imposter. At least it was someone you knew.

You both split up, you heading towards Electrical. Corpse and Felix were close behind you, Felix following you into the room while Corpse left. You pretended to do your task for a minute before moving to your left a minute and killing Felix.

You rushed out of the room and then headed to Navigations, making sure to avoid anybody who could have seen you leave Electrical. A few moments later, a body was reported.

“Where was it?” Sean asked Julien, the reporter.

“Electrical.”

“I saw Y/N go in there with him at the beginning of the game.” Corpse joined in, “I saw them as I was going to the Reactor.”

“I was in Electrical with him,” You admitted, still acting a bit shy. What could you say, deep voices and new people made you nervous. “But after that I left and went to do my task in Navigation. Felix was still alive and there when I left.”

“Did you pass anyone sus on the way there?” Sean asked.

“No, if they came in after I did it must’ve either been from the other way or after I was already in Electrical.” You started picking at your nail polish- a habit of yours when things got a little overwhelming.

“So you’re saying that it could’ve been from the direction Corpse was in?” You could hear the smirk in Sean’s voice.

“Whoa, whoa, hold up. Why are you so quick to throw me under the bus? I’m just a crewmate.” Corpse questioned, “You’re pretty sus if you ask me.”

Sean scoffed, “I’m just inferring that the culprit came from your direction. Never in my words did I say it was you. Sounds like you’re getting a little too defensive for someone who’s ‘just a crew mate’.”

“Uh, guys,” You quietly spoke up. You didn’t expect anyone to hear you, but Corpse and Sean immediately quieted down at your voice. “I hate to interrupt, but we’ve got to vote. I don’t want us to argue…”

Sean laughed. “Oh little Y/N, you’re too sweet. I’m skipping this round.”

As you voted to skip as well, your stomach clenched when you heard Corpse quietly repeat “Little Y/N”.

꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂

“It’s Y/N, I’m fucking telling you! Y/N!” Julien was practically screaming at this point. You tried to stay calm, focusing on keeping your voice steady.

The group had been calling you cute and adorable practically all night, so you were seriously about to put that to use.

“I was in Medbay with Corpse, isn’t that right, Corpse?” Your tone was sweet and slightly flirty- hopefully he’d get the hint.

Corpse hesitated for a millisecond- long enough for your breath to catch, but short enough for nobody else to notice. “Yeah, she was with me.”

“She was with you after she vented there!” Julien cried, “I can’t believe this- she killed Ethan and vented away right as I went into the room! You all are fucking nuts if you don’t believe me.”

“I don’t even know how to vent…” You murmured innocently, but in reality you were smirking. Julien was definitely telling the truth, and you were internally beating yourself up for letting yourself be so reckless after a kill, but nobody was seemingly buying his story.

There was only you, Corpse, Julien, Dave, and PJ left. Sean was voted off after fucking up his alibi, leaving you alone with the rest of the group.

Corpse sighed. “You all heard the girl. She doesn’t even know how to vent.”

“Wh- she just fucking vented!” Julien exclaimed, “Corpse, man, she’s got you under some fucking magic spell if you can’t see all the evidence. Guys, back me up here.”

“She’s sus.” Dave admitted, “And Corpse defending her makes it even more sus.”

“The spell she tried on him obviously got the best of him. I say we vote Y/N.” PJ agreed.

“There’s no spell, guys, oh my God.” Corpse laughed, “I just don’t think it’s her. I’m skipping.”

“I can’t believe you guys don’t believe me!” You whined, deciding to go further with your emotional tactics, “I’m literally about to cry. It’s not me!”

And yet, despite your protests, Dave, PJ, and Julien all voted you out. Crewmates had won the game and you were giggling nearly like a maniac as everyone gushed about how you did as an Imposter.

A bit later, you had to say goodbye to your new friends and face the reality that their fans would definitely find who you were by tomorrow. Or like, in a few hours, because it was already 4am. Corpse was in California as well, wasn’t he? He should be getting some sleep too, you thought. But maybe sleep schedules were different for Youtubers. You didn’t know.

You pondered the thought for a moment before the notification sound for Discord alerted you of a new message on your phone.

Corpse:

Just letting you know, your voice definitely had me under a spell. I’d like to hear it more often

#fanfiction #x reader #fic blog #writing #corpse husband x reader #corpse x reader #corpse husband imagines #corpse imagines #corpse husband #lay writes #requests

[writingwife-83]

Sooo anyone remember a little one shot I wrote called Green? Well 3 months later and I finally decided to write part 2! 😄 thanks for reading it over @thisisartbylexie ❤️

Ben turned his dishwasher on, poured himself a glass of water, and shut the kitchen light off with a little sigh. It had been a long Friday, and frankly a long week, so it was definitely time to turn in for the night. He was looking forward to a restful and uneventful weekend until Monday morning rolled around again.

As he left his kitchen and shuffled toward his bedroom though, he heard something coming from outside. The moment he began following the noises toward his balcony, it became clear there were definitely voices. He grimaced in confusion as he drank some of the cool water, trying to figure out exactly what he was hearing.

The moment he opened his balcony door, he realized that was definitely Rey’s voice he could hear above. She had to have her balcony door open as well because it was pretty loud.

“No no!” she yelled. “Don’t!”

Ben heard a man's voice yelling as well.

“Oh you’d better get out of my way or I’m moving you myself!”

Rey screamed and that’s when Ben's blood ran cold. Something was happening up there and it definitely wasn’t good. He set his glass down and stepped out onto the balcony, peering upward where he could see light coming from Rey’s apartment.

“Hello?” Ben called. “Hey, Rey, you ok up there?”

Rey screamed again. “Ugh! I hate you!”

”You’re not getting away this time!” the man yelled.

That’s when Ben heard a loud crash like something had fallen and broken. Adrenaline instantly flooded his body, head to toe. He threw sneakers on and grabbed his phone and keys, shoving them in his pocket, and hurried out of his apartment.

He flew up to the next floor, climbing about three steps at a time, and raced down the hallway until he was at her apartment. Ben immediately began pounding on the door.

“Rey?! Rey!” He paused only a split second before knocking again with full force. “If someone doesn’t open this door in about ten seconds I’m breaking it down, you hear me?!”

After slamming his fist against the door a few more times, Ben backed up, taking a few deep breaths and preparing to use every muscle in his body to get into that apartment. Just before he was about to charge though, the door swung open and he found himself face to face with Rey, who thankfully looked perfectly safe and sound. Ben released a breath of relief, perching his hands on his hips.

“Oh, thank God, I’m glad you’re-“

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

Ben stared back at her, a little confused at the biting response.

“I just- I heard loud voices and-“

“Ok so first it’s my plants that are aggressively dripping onto your balcony that makes you nearly break my door down, and now it’s noise?”

A man stepped into the doorway next to Rey.

“Rey, what’s going on?” He scowled at Ben, crossing his arms. “Who is this guy? Is he bothering you?”

Ben felt his shackles rising again.

“Am I bothering her?” He huffed. “I think the better question is if you’re bothering her!”

The man’s brows shot up and he took a step forward. “Excuse me?!”

Rey shoved herself in front of the man, putting her palms up in protest.

“Hold on, hold on!” She turned to face Ben again. “Look, I dunno what your problem is but I think you’d better go.”

“I’m not leaving until I’m sure things are safe up here,” Ben insisted, standing his ground and giving the man behind her a hard stare.

Rey grimaced. “Safe? Why wouldn’t things be safe?”

Ben pointed toward Rey’s balcony. “Your door was open. It’s past midnight, I could hear you guys screaming at each other from all the way downstairs, and it was pretty obvious things were getting physical, so I don’t really like the idea of going back downstairs and leaving you alone with him still-“

He stopped short when he realized that both Rey and this man had started...laughing? Ben had a difficult time seeing what could be funny and at this point he was just getting annoyed.

“I’m so sorry,” Rey sputtered out. “We were playing a video game! That’s what you heard!”

Ben froze for a moment, embarrassment slowly starting to creep in as the weight of that statement sunk in.

“Oh...my God,” he muttered, running a hand through his hair. “I- I went on my balcony and called up to see if you were ok and you didn’t answer.”

“Headphones,” the man replied simply, pointing to the coffee table where two sets of headphones lay.

“Right.” Ben nodded sheepishly. “Headphones.”

“We finally paused the game cuz I knocked my lamp over and broke it, like an idiot,” Rey explained with a laugh. “That’s when I heard you practically knocking a hole through my door.”

“Thankfully you caught me before I broke it down.”

The man laughed.

“You kinda look like you could break it down. I’m glad I didn’t have to try and fight you because I feel like that wouldn’t have gone well for me.” He offered his hand. “Hey, I’m Finn.”

Ben gave him a small smile and accepted the hand shake. “Ben. Good to meet you.”

A door opened across the hall, catching their attention.

“What exactly is going on out here at this time of night?” an older woman asked sternly.

“Sorry, Maz! Just a little misunderstanding but it’s all cleared up,” Rey replied kindly. “We’ll keep it down now, I promise.”

She shoved Finn back into the apartment, and before Ben knew what was happening he felt Rey take hold of his tee shirt and tug him inside as well, shutting the door after them.

“Oh you don’t have to- I mean, I can just go back downstairs now that I know everything’s fine,” Ben offered, now definitely feeling like he was imposing.

He hated to admit it, but more than likely this was Rey’s boyfriend, so what were the chances they wanted anyone else hanging out with them after midnight?

Rey shrugged as she opened her fridge. “I know it’s late, so you don’t have to stay if you don’t want, but we’re happy to have you. Right, Finn?”

“Absolutely,” Finn agreed, and seemed to mean it.

“Besides, I just wanted to clear out of the hallway before Maz calls anyone. She’s sweet but you don’t want to be on her bad side.” Rey pried the top off a bottle she’d just taken out of the fridge and held it out to Ben with a smile. “Beer?”

Ben held her gaze for another second of deliberation, then finally reached out and took the bottle, his fingers brushing over Rey’s as he did. The amount of pleasant electricity he felt from the first touch of her skin against his made him hope he wasn’t visibly blushing. Especially with her boyfriend standing right there watching!

“Thanks,” Ben said quietly and took a swig. “I guess I’ll stay for a few minutes.”

A few minutes turned into more than an hour.

Ben tried his best to fend them off, but a few minutes after they’d all sat down Rey and Finn insisted he play the video game as well. It wasn’t really his thing but when Rey actually took his hand and placed the controller in it, he found himself unable to keep saying no. Despite himself, he had a pretty fantastic time. Maybe this was a better antidote to his long week at work than turning in early.

“I taught her everything she knows,” Finn boasted playfully as Ben set the controller down after being heated by Rey.

“Don’t listen to him! He barely ever beats me.” Rey gave Finn a little shove then smiled at Ben. “I guess we’ve always been a little competitive.”

Ben glanced between the two of them in curiosity. “Always?”

Rey took a sip of her beer, nodding. “We’ve known each other since we were kids. We were in the same foster home for a couple of years and we’ve kept in touch ever since.”

“Yeah, she’s the annoying sister I never had,” Finn added, which earned him another shove.

Ben nodded, intense relief washing over him as he realized that these two had a very different relationship than he initially assumed.

“So…” Finn spoke up again. “You are the guy who freaked out over the dripping plants right?”

“Finn!” Rey hissed, covering her face as she stifled a laugh.

Ben chuckled, shrugging one shoulder in resignation. “Yep, that’s me.”

“I’ve been a little more careful lately,” Rey said with a little smile. “Trying to water them late at night when you probably wouldn’t be out there. It’s not that I didn’t care at all, it was just…”

“I was a jerk.”

“Yeah, basically,” Rey confirmed, and they both laughed a little.

“Trust me, I’ve told her it’s a little bit of an addiction,” Finn interjected. “As you can see, there’s an entire collection of plants inside too!”

Ben glanced around. “I definitely can see that.”

“You two can laugh all you want, but I’m willing to bet that the air is way cleaner in my apartment than yours is,” Rey shot back playfully. “Don’t come crying to me when the city air is choking you!”

As quiet set in again, Ben found that Rey’s eyes had settled on him and he also realized he was having trouble looking away. But as much as he was enjoying this, he was still self conscious enough that he didn’t want to overstay his welcome.

“Well, thanks for the beer. And the game,” Ben said, taking his empty bottle and standing. “I should probably head back downstairs.”

Finn stood as well, stretching a little. “Yeah, I should go too. I’ll save Rey the trouble of kicking me out like usual.”

Ben put his bottle in the recycling and made his way to the door along with Finn and Rey. He watched awkwardly as the two of them embraced warmly and Rey gave Finn a kiss on the cheek.

“I’ll text you later ok?”

“Sounds good. Hey, nice to meet you Ben.”

Ben gave him a little nod. “You too.”

Ben stepped into the hallway along with Finn, but he hung back a little as Finn continued walking.

“Sorry about the aggressive entrance...again,” Ben said once they were alone.

Rey smiled. “It’s ok. At least this time you have a more noble excuse. Thanks, by the way.”

Ben shrugged. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Yeah but you would have. You were ready to break down my door because you thought someone was hurting me. I’d say that’s pretty nice.”

He gave her a little smirk. “Well naturally I was pretty concerned for all the plants. I mean, where would they be if something happened to you?”

She laughed, leaning on her door frame. “Now that I know you care so much I’m definitely leaving them all to you in my will.”

Silence set in again and Ben decided he was really going to make himself leave this time.

“Ok, well, thanks again. Maybe I’ll see you around.”

“What about tomorrow?”

Ben blinked, taken aback for a moment. “Tomorrow?”

“Yeah, maybe you want to come back upstairs for a movie and some pizza tomorrow night.”

He pressed his lips together, hesitating a bit. “If you guys already have plans I don’t want to keep intruding.”

Rey’s eyes suddenly seemed to be sparkling and she gave him a gentle smile. “Actually...I just meant with me.”

Oh, just her.

Oh.

Ben swallowed hard, trying to remember how to form words as the nature of this invitation was becoming clearer.

“Sure, I’d like that,” he somehow managed.

The grin she gave him was more beautiful than anything he’d seen in a long time.

“Ok great. Oh!” She reached out. “Hey, can I see your phone?”

Ben fished it out of his pocket, unlocked it and handed it over. He was a little rusty so it took him a moment to realize what she was doing as he watched her typing.

“There,” Rey said with a smile, finally handing his phone back as he heard a little ding inside her apartment. She pointed behind her. “That was you texting me. And now you have my number.”

Ben glanced down at the message screen, instantly letting out a short laugh.

-THANKS FOR INVITING ME OVER TOMORROW NIGHT SO I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP LOOKING FOR REASONS TO BREAK YOUR DOOR DOWN :)

And just like that, Ben was no longer hoping for a quiet and uneventful weekend.

#reylo #modern au #green #will there be more? #honestly who knows lol #but for now it does feel more complete :)

[beecherdrysdale]

Hehe hiii I’m writing this before I go on the treadmill lol.

Alright the screaming will be non stop- and I’ll be glad to make girls jealous lol. I am ready to distract some kids. “GO BRIGID!!!!” Yes we do have some vv hit friends esp you brigid, with dyl and Jamie 😏 the girls would be sooo jealous. Ryan and I bumping each other around will be a regular occurrence. Imao “not again...” yesss the boys are embarrassed but still hold onto each other! Hehe poor Quinners hand. Hmmm maybe I will make it up to him later 😏. Dyl would be a nervous wreck lol. I’d probably throw my sweater at him so that he can close his eyes, but he would still annoy me and ask every 5 secs “is she winning?” “How is she doing” “I can’t look” “this is too much for me to handle” and I chirp him so hard, but would understand because he really likes you :)

Ya right after shower etc. And we go out to celebrate the chirping restarts. I would have to many in my head. At the end of the day Jamie and dylan were amazing and you are proud of them. I’ll be sure to try squeezy applesauce!! Hehe I eat cliff bars between breaks but recently stopped because it took me forever to chew lol so now I just bring a banana to my matches. Brigid we should go to Costco together and ride in the cart- I would probably not bring the boys just cuz Costco’s huge and we would lose them hehe.

Yess team TRAMPLE GET READY. We promise not to damage your suit:) the girls would be jealous hehe.

Ig it is hard. But we understand. If me, you and kesh go to their games, would you sit across the rink or w us lol?. Cactus club is great, the food is très bien. Same w Cora! I’ll take you there !!

Imao people would be so confused on why I was crying but I just saw all of you 🥺 yay pls distract me while I warm up my hips w my resistance band lol. Nah it isn’t weird that you aren’t nervous. Look I’m a confident driver but that entire day was weird. It was summer and like an hour and a half before, I was getting my legs waxed lol and my legs were super slippery because of the oil they put on you after hehe. So first of all I was nervous all ready (shaking lol) and then in the car my entire seat was just so slippery, so that didn’t help and it was like plus 29. But anyways I passed, so ig going through that horrible experience was worth it. I’d probably make eye contact w y’all in between points and just burst out laughing but it’s ok. imao at the end I hit Ryan in the face w a ball. He would be mad cuz you start dying of laughter beside him and Jamie’s like panicking because he doesn’t know what to do and he just get you water. But you are still laughing . I’m down on the court also laughing and Ryan’s just trying to climb and get onto the court to chase me around hehe. Awww Quinner my bb, gotta give him my post match kiss. Ooo time to sometimes like I yell at the screen, but I could just see you being annoyed and yelling.

Ooo yes it’s getting semi spicy at Coachella. Dylan’s getting handsy 😏. Ya Jamie would just be glaring at Dylan’s back lol. And you’re just enjoying the view of Dylan’s hair and the performance lol. Oooo you can play w his hair. Aw thank u Braden for offering, I’ll take you up on that .but I can just see Quinner glaring at us too and getting flustered. He would get so annoyed hehe. I’m so oblivious sometimes, but I get down from bradens shoulders and go on yours lol. You can go on mine too:). meanwhile kesh is just in kirbys shoulders chilling and not even paying attention to what’s happening. Oo I’m not a big fan of makeup. I never wear it. I only have a clear lipgloss that I wear to events and sometimes I don’t even wear it lol.

Imma be honest we will probably not last very long on each other’s shoulders but It would be so cute if you are just watching one of the performances and Dylan or Jamie just come behind you and wrap their arms around your waist from behind and put their chins on top of your shoulder or head 🥺 and you are just swaying to the music with them .... Coachella is so fun at night according to the videos my bro has due to the lights and the fireworks that they release at night!! So you can kiss under the fireworks 🥰.

Our outfits would be amazing, like Brigid your hair would be so cute in Dutch braids!! Hehe yes the guys would look so hot, and not even try but just imagine being at Coachella w this team!! We gotta make sure we don’t forget sunscreen lol . And water, gotta hydrate !!

Ly

-Lexi

lol that’s fun, we love the treadmill. jk i hate treadmills, i feel like i’m not going anywhere when i’m on the treadmill and i can’t stand it. anywaysssss long post

lmao yes please distract my competition so i can win hehe. honestly it might work bc there are rarely hot guys in the stands at swim meets, so you never know. and then they would be like what are they doing bc you guys would be so chaotic up there lol. and everyone’s squeezing everyone else’s hand but pretending they’re not. “no we weren’t holding hands, what are you talking about?” and you’re just absolutely destroying quinner’s hand, so you have to make it up later 😏 and then dyl is just hiding his face in his hoodie, which make sure you wear a shirt under your hoodie ik i never do lol, but you’ll want one bc it is hot af at swim meets. like when you’re wet you feel cold, but in the stands it’s soooo hot. anyways dyl’s face is in your hoodie and he just asks how i’m doing every 5 seconds. “dyl just look yourself, i can’t tell it’s too close” and then he refuses to look so you chirp him lmao. but it’s ok bc then after i win we all have our epic trample hug lol. i love how it’s turned from a hug into just a huge trample lmao 

haha you and ryan preparing chirps the entire time i’m swimming and just saving them til after lmao. but it’s ok bc i’m just chilling with jamie and dyl who were surprisingly really good at keeping me distracted and getting me all of the food i need. yes try squeezy applesauce, i literally love it sm, like i have a strange addiction to it but it’s fine. oh yeahhh clif bars do take a really long time to eat, i kind of forgot about that. personally i’m a weirdo so i hate bananas unless they’re superrrr green. yesss that’s part of our vacay now (i mean we already had going to a store but it’s fine) and then we make the guys push us around in the carts lol. we’ll def lose them at some point, but yk what it’s fine we’ll find them eventually

haha it’s ok i can still sit with you guys, i’ll just be wearing a usa jersey. probably my 1980 o’callahan jersey i got for christmas bc i love it sm. yes please take me to get food lol

hehe yes everyone is confused why you’re crying and you’re just like i’m fine my friends are just here. yes ofc we’ll distract you from your warmups. oof that whole driving test experience sounds awful. anywayssss yes i could def see you making eye contact with us between points and just start laughing and whoever you’re playing is so confused. hehe and then you hit ryan with the ball and he’s mad at me bc i just start laughing, but then he gets over it and decides to go after you lol. meanwhile, jamie’s just like wtf do i do? and he’s trying to get me to drink water lol. and then ofc you give quinner a kiss. but just be warned if you’re not winning or it’s close and i’m stressed about the match i will start screaming at you lol

oooh yes coachella is gonna be so fun. hehe dyl getting handsy 😏 sorry jamie, i love you too bb, but you got to let me and dyl have our moment. and i’ll just be playing with dyl’s hair while we’re watching 🥰 meanwhile, you’ve taken up braden’s offer but then quinner’s jealous so you feel bad lol. so then we take turns on each other’s shoulders. and then kesh is just chilling on kirby’s shoulders oblivious to all the guys getting jealous lmao. but then later we’re just chilling standing there and then jamie comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist and puts his head on my shoulder 🥺 and just swaying together to the music. that’s the softest shit. and kissing under the fireworks 😍 the literal dream. anyways yeah the only makeup i ever ever wear is mascara, but that’s hardly ever, but our outfits would be so cute. and we could do matching dutch braids! omg yes the guys would look so hot, but we have to bring sunscreen for our white boys. and yess water bc i’m always dehydrated

ily too 💗

#ask answered #anon answered #skating anon

[smolbeandrabbles]

Video Games - Nolan Sorrento x Reader (Ready Player One)

GIF CREDIT: X

Author���s Note: Well this was one scene long until I listened to this song. So, you’re welcome!

I always come back to this end scene for Nolan, and in all honesty it’s one of my favourite things to think about, so thank you @primadonna-girl23​ for finally giving me a reason to write it! I hope you enjoy!  Thank you for your request! 💙💜

Video Games - Lana Del Rey

Disclaimer: RPO characters not mine / gifs not mine / lyrics not mine.  I tend to like writing Nolan like this, and I will live and die by it!

Premise: There’s nothing you love more than playing video games with Nolan. But hes good, and he doesn’t lose. All you vow is one day someones gonna beat him, even if you have to wait for another generation to do it for you...

Words: 2771

Warnings: Small swears / insulin warning

_______

Swinging in the backyard Pull up in your fast car whistling my name Open up a beer And you say get over here and play a video game I'm in his favorite sun dress Watching me get undressed take that body downtown I say you the bestest Lean in for a big kiss put his favorite perfume on Go play your video game

Singing in the old bars Living for the fame Kissing in the blue dark, playing pool and wild darts Video games He holds me in his big arms, drunk and I am seeing stars This is all I think of This is my idea of fun Playing video games

It's you, it's you, it's all for you Everything I do I tell you all the time Heaven is a place on earth where you Tell me all the things you want to do I heard that you like the bad girls honey, is that true? It's better than I ever even knew They say that the world was built for two Only worth living if somebody is loving you Baby now you do 

 ---

 This may well have been one of your favourite past times.  Sure, you were dating Nolan Sorrento, who at any point in time – as the CEO of IOI and with the millions he made – could whisk you down town in one of the many sports cars he owned to a bar, or a club, or restaurant, where all the stars hung out, or on some expensive getaway to anywhere in the world; heck, Nolan and his money could get you anything, and often did… But there was really nothing better than sitting in his living room trying to kick his ass at retro video games. You failed more times than you won, and sometimes you thought he let you win just because of the pout on your face, but you didn’t see how you could enjoy anything as much as this. With the sometimes God awful graphics, and the very most the consoles could really do was occasionally vibrate the controller (which made you shriek and him cackle the first time it happened) these games were a far cry from the OASIS – and yet you preferred them. These old restored gaming systems and the various disks and cartridges that came with them, along with movies from years gone by, were Nolan’s pride and joy. The 90s into early 2000s were his vary favourites; staples from his childhood. But he had right through until the latest editions – just before this type of gaming became nearly obsolete. You could play them in the OASIS, of course, but Nolan didn’t see the point when you could get the real experience by putting your mind to fixing things. Essentially his only past time before he’d become CEO – and now he didn’t have a lot of time for things like that, but he could escape to play them. Sometimes you just liked to watch him on single player go through something a little more strategic – but he’d let you pick out what his character looked like, or maybe who they would side with, or the conversational track that he’d go with. And you liked the times Nolan would go quiet for just a moment and then almost shudder, and say something like, “Oh my god the soundtrack!” which made you focus on it for the remainder of his playthrough.

But on occasion Nolan would put in a multiplayer game and throw you a controller; and you’d either get to help him, or try to beat him. And it was fun to lie back on the sofa between his legs, head on his chest – tongue stuck out in concentration and yell expletives every time he beat you. “You can do better than that!” He laughed again and you smacked his leg, “You’re infuriating!” He gave you nothing more than a teasing grin; “Oh, I’m trying very hard I assure you!” “OH! SHUT UP!” But you were good humoured about it, and Nolan still laughed when you resorted to cheating, attempting to block his view or distract him from time to time. Which he used to say would serve you right if you still lost; sometimes he’d pin you between or under his legs so you couldn’t move, and you thought he was doing a little too much Kegel. Sometimes Nolan would even beat you with one arm around your waist, holding you close to him as you balanced on his knees so he was playing one handed, just to prove he could – or he’d give you a ten second head start. You had to admit that he was good, but he was also an expert – Nolan knew these consoles inside out, and he’d grown up doing this. So, no surprises there either. Today this wasn’t the plan, you were supposed to be going out on a date – judging by the fact you were wearing a sundress, and he was in a nice shirt and pants. But on the drive out of town Nolan had started telling you about games he’d been reprogramming, and fixing up and some new ones he’d managed to get hold of. That information didn’t come with a price tag, but you could imagine the expense – and before long you found that more interesting and you were on your way back home. But this was a little more casual, and after getting bored of losing to him for the umpteenth time, Nolan let you play it for yourself. “Y-You sure!?” “Mhm…” He popped the cap on his beer, “I’ll help you out!” You smiled sweetly; “Don’t you want to play it first?” “No…” He gave a shrug taking a sip, “I played it enough as a kid – you don’t even know what this game is, time I taught you. It’s one of my very favourites…” And so he did help you navigate around – or point out little hidden pieces of game play or items you would have surely missed, occasionally he’d take your hands and the controller in his to assist with some of the harder stuff where you insisted you didn’t have enough fingers to work it all out at once – but Nolan watched that smile on your face grow every time he did so, and felt that maybe you were asking for his help on purpose. Eventually you sighed gently; “I love doing this with you…” “What? Hanging out on my couch playing retro games and skipping dates?” Nolan chuckled, taking another swig of beer – he was surprised there was any left considering your practice of taking it from him when you thought he wouldn’t notice. “Don’t say it like that…” you tipped your head back to catch the amusement on his face; “This is nice and relaxed… And we’re together, how is it not a date?” He tilted his head both ways; “I dunno, I guess I kinda like taking you out…” Nolan paused thoughtfully, “I’m not saying you’re wrong though, this is… I could get used to it.” “Get used to it?” You paused the game and rolled over to face him, “Careful what you wish for Nolan Sorrento!” But he still laughed; “That doesn’t sound like it bodes well for me. Ah, I think I could put up with you for a while.” “Thanks!” But you were laughing along, until you bit your lips together, “I…Think I could probably get used to this too.” He stared at you for a little while, almost in adoration, before he leant forward, touching his nose to yours before kissing you. You closed your eyes to him, content, before wrapping your arms around him and deepening the kiss. Sorrento eventually broke it, arms still around you – before chuckling nervously, a faint shade of pink dusting his cheeks; “Aha… Okay, before we get a little too used to this… I say we don’t waste that beautiful dress, and you let me take you out for dinner?” You giggled, stealing another kiss – “Okay! Dinner it is!”

 ***

That feeling never changed, not through dating moving from months to years, or moving in with him, or getting engaged… then married… and not even the stage you were at now. You were getting better; you could actually beat him at these games now – and Nolan was only ever impressed. He enjoyed it when you won as much as you did, because of how happy you were that you’d actually beat him – and the excitement on your face; the way you’d start screaming sentences when you were nearly there. Or how he’d manage to reign it back (even if you still won), and you’d scream “NO!” so loud he thought eventually someone might knock on the front door to see if you were okay. Luckily it’d never happened. Right now you were supposed to be helping him on a campaign, but you were much more interested in watching what he was doing and snacking. “Are you actually gonna help, or…? Cuz I can go back to single player if you’d rather.” “No.” You said through a mouthful of Chex, “I’ll help, just give me a second.” He chuckled, and you held up the bag to offer him one, which he thanked you for. Truth was at 7 months pregnant you’d rather sit here quietly, head in his lap and watch him. Whilst you were sitting eating and watching Nolan do all he could in the mission solo, you’d balanced the controller on your stomach and every so often, as your baby moved, the controller wiggled around on its precarious balance. But that only made you laugh. This position was at least comfortable for you; and usually you sat like this to watch movies too – where Nolan would cuddle you close and rest his hands over yours on your stomach; where his face became a lot more interesting than whatever you were watching. Nothing really compared to the way he lit up when your baby made a noticeable movement, and would pretend he wasn’t welling up – but you knew Nolan was, he couldn’t hide that from you – though he tried. However Sorrento accidently ran himself into the levels boss fight before you were ready; and to let you know something important was about to happen, the controller vibrated. “AH-!” You gasped which caused Nolan to jump, “Shit! Sorry!” But you laughed harder; “Not only was the vibration kinda startling…Ooh-! Okay! I don’t like you right now!” You took his hand and placed it over your stomach as you were given a third little kick; “Ooops!” He laughed, “And I’ve got you into a boss fight!” “Oops-!?” You folded your arms, “I should just let you die!! If this continues all night-!” Nolan cringed, “I’d really rather I didn’t die – besides if you get attacked that controller is only gonna vibrate more, you realise that-!?” Well, that made you pick it up pretty quick. “You are okay though, right?” “Yeah. I guess.” You grumbled, “If I can’t beat you, the baby will!” Nolan chuckled before scoffing; “Yeah, that I’d like to see-!” *** “THAT’S NOT FAIR!!” “Come on its two against one how is that not fair?” “THE COMPUTER IS HELPING YOU!” “Yeah and it’s pretty useless! You two should have this-!” “BUT IT ISN’T FAIIIIIIIIIIIR---!!” “What, you think I’m gonna let you win-!?” “REMATCH! PLAY FAIR THIS TIME!” “You’re on!” You were sorting a few things out in the upstairs bedrooms when you were met with yelling from the living room. You laughed to yourself; this was the kind of argument that had transferred from you and your husband, to your husband and your children. And Nolan was still the one winning. You walked out onto the landing; balcony overlooking the living room to watch them. Your two eldest boys were sitting on the floor, having clearly just lost another match, arms folded and sulking as they threw glares at your husband, sitting cross legged on the couch with your little girl – your youngest – curled up in his lap silently watching the whole thing. You couldn’t help but smile at the scene; just another weekend in the Sorrento household… “What are you guys doing!?” They all looked up at you “Dad’s cheating!” “What-!? I’m hardly even trying-!” That made both the boys gasp and look back to him; Nolan laughed like he’d just said something he shouldn’t have and grinned at you. You rolled your eyes, smiling, and made for the stairs, “Alright hold on I’m coming…” By the time you were downstairs they were seemingly settled again into another round, although even as you padded over you could see Nolan was probably going to get himself another win. There was a smile on his face that had only appeared since you’d had children, and his laugh this time was absentminded as they both ganged up on his character. For that he turned immediately to your daughter, and indicated to her which buttons to press to help him with the powered-up finishing move. Which had the boys yelling about cheating again and Nolan and her laughing at them. And for a minute you stood back, heart full watching them all. But especially Nolan – things had been hard at IOI for him lately, and it wasn’t exactly going as planned. But when he sat here with his children, it was like everything else was forgotten; he was laughing and happy, and you didn’t think you’d ever seen him this happy – not for a while – and he was relaxed. Today he was dad, not Sir, no matter how exasperatedly anyone was saying it. Your eldest spotted you in the corner and called you over; “Moooom! Can you beat him for us!?” They had heard of the famed times when you’d managed it, but it’d been a while. Nolan’s head swivelled and his eyes narrowed at you; “Oh! If you DARE--!!” You held your hands up; “Hey, I’m not taking sides-!” Nolan clapped as your boys groaned; “Ha! That’s my girl!” “Okay, Dad, one more round.” “Oh god, no, don’t you get sick of me beating you? I’m getting too old for this-!” Nolan chuckled, then he exited back to the games’ main menu to set up a multiplayer quest, handing the controller over to your daughter as you settled onto the sofa next to him. His voice lowered as he lifted her from his lap onto the floor; “Go on sweetheart – show ‘em how it’s done.” The controller was a little big in her hands but she beamed, “Play nice boys!” But he knew they would, as they lay on their fronts waiting for the game to load up again for them. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek gently; “I love you daddy!” “I love you too…” She ran off to join her brothers and he watched her go – that smile somehow bigger. You tsked “Such a daddy’s girl.” Nolan scoffed, but then agreed; “Yeah. Probably.” He held his arms out for you, watching the boys help their little sister with the controls for a moment with pride. You snuggled into him, head on his chest and he kissed your forehead – “I mean, of course I love you.” You giggled as he continued pressing kisses into your skin; “Oh that was never in doubt Nolan Sorrento!” You sat in silence for a moment – Nolan was watching the game play, and every so often would suggest strategy, as he’d used to do with you. You instead watched your kids help each other out on the floor, everyone content with life for now. Exactly how it should be, before you voiced your question, looking back to your husbands blue eyes; “Why don’t you let them win?” His smile was mysterious for a moment as he looked back to you; “Because one day they’ll beat me, and I’ll never win again!” then he grinned, “Besides, I like that they’re kinda in awe of me at the moment, and as long as I can keep that up and help them in the harder levels, I’d love to.” He placed his hand to his forehead to a moment; “…God, I’m dreading the day that don’t need me…” You shook your head, before placing a gentle kiss to his cheek; “Don’t say such silly things, they’ll always need you – you’re their father.” That smile was back, and Nolan pulled you closer to him for another kiss, before you heard the kids all cheering at beating another level and had to both laugh. Yes, for now all was right, and long may that continue.

---

Thank you for requesting! Thank you for reading!  😘💜

@3134045126​​ @happyskywhale​ @wltz-bby​ #MendoTagSquad

#There will never be enough Nolan Sorrento on my blog #Nolan Sorrento #Ben Mendelsohn #Ready Player One #Nolan Sorrento x Reader #Linzi Writes #Linzi Writes Requests #Smol Bean Drabbles #137 #This is kinda how I wanted to end him #Him her and 3 kids #Evie #Lorena V.

[ultraclops]

Semi-live Blogging: Return of the Mao Mao Episodes

Before we start, is it just me or is the animation like 10x smoother than it usually is? Also like I said with Nakey, there’s a lot more good expressions too!

Lucky Ducky Mug

Adorabat drinks from sippy cup like baby

"What, Mao Mao's ridiculous mug?" says Badgerclops, holding a cheap plastic big gulp cup he probably got from the grocery store.

How did Adorabat not notice the Lucky Ducky sticker on the Aerocycle

"Don't touch it" (Badgerclops proceeds to slam the table to move it) Ah Badgerclops, ever the contrarian

I'M SORRY DID MAO MAO BLOW THE ROOF OFF OF HQ BY SCREAMING

I love the way Mao says "PROFESSIONAAAL SILENCEEE"

Badgerclops trying to make his mouth disappear and failing made me scream with laughter

Are they seriously reducing Ratarang to 'the funny lil Italian guy'? C’mon guys you’re better than this

Wait why do they think Kevin is Adorabat?? They've seen Adorabat multiple times?? "But they're both blue!" You FOOL Kevin is TEAL there's a difference

Everybody gangsta til Mao Mao's ears start speaking morse code

They're doing surprisingly good silent but it's probably not gonna be that way very long.

Thank you, Lucky Ducky Mug, for catering to my niche interest in characters with neon outlines on black backgrounds.

Mao Mao thinking: Normal thoughts

Badgerclops thinking: Musical-esque singing

Adorabat thinking: Literally just heavy metal

The Sweetypies seriously think they're just playing a really intense game of charades huh,,,

(Mao jabs BC in the stomach with the fire net) HAHA GET REKT

The scene with Badgerclops trying to give Mao Mao Penny's mug is the funniest shit in the world I couldn't stop laughing...or maybe I'm just sleep-deprived

So the Sky Pirates are so similar compared to the Sheriff's Dept. that they can think perfectly in sync? That's cool

SKY PIRATES SONG SKY PIRATES SONG

Why is Snugglemagne throwing a random tea party & why did he only invite the Sheriff's Dept.

Yep there goes the plan. Both of their plans.

Am I going crazy or did the skin on Mao Mao's mouth tear apart like it was sewn shut?! Also yay they're talking again

"It's not gonna stop charging, so I'm just gonna let it explooode..." Mood

"What about the mega laser tube made by mega Losers?" Fsfhkfh

Hey, everyone learned something new from this experience! Are the Sky Pirates gonna try that Hive Mind tactic from now on?

Awww, they fixed his mug with gold - GOD DAMN IT I KNEW THERE WAS A CATCH!!

Lonely Kid

(Sighs) ...I said (SIGHS)

"I literally can't relate to that problem at all." says Badgerclops, who joined a gang because he wanted people to like him.

Shin just dropped off Mao Mao at a summer camp and expected him to make friends? Why does this feel like the plot of Camp Camp

I'm sorry the Mao clan has a freaking PARTY AERO-BUS??

NOO GERALDINE

That BGM is DEFINITELY an extended version of "I Love You, Mao Mao" and I want the lyrics NOW

So Bao was literally just a stray that Mao took home?? Would make sense as to why he wasn't trained

I have a feeling the Flimborg is some sort of sacred being the townspeople worship for some reason

How in the hell did Mao tie that guy up and why didn't he bother to untie him

HOW'D HE SET THE ROCKS ON FIRE USING PAINT

"And then you become frien-" "BEES. IN THE EYES."

"Everyone knows bees are our friends!" "Uh, actually, they were wasps." "Friends to no-one!" Usually I'd agree with BC, but I read an article about someone befriending a wasp and her babies so.

So the Mao clan's just known as the "Golden Cat Family Up The Hill?" Huh. I thought they’d have more recognition, especially since Shin says he went to that same summer camp at the beginning.

Man those kids are jackasses

"Say hi to your mommy!" "I would if she was here..." Excuse me wHAT

Noo don't cry baby boi - tHEN BAO JUST TACKLES HIM ASFHDKDL

"Go away! I don't feel like laughing right now!"

Look. You can see the EXACT point Mao developed his adult personality

I know Mao Mao means well but that is gonna go terribly wrong.

"I AM A HERO! I WILL BE LOVED!!" Okay first of all OUCH, second of all THAT IS PAIN

This monster empty, YEET

Awww it was just a sweet little puppy-ish monster...and it was his BIRTHDAY

"Hi, Aunt Gloria!" (Pulls out pitchfork) BETRAYAL

He didn't feel bad about ruining the festival because he made a friend doing it I 💞💞💝💝💗💗

Thanks for that 'different times' comment cuz I don't want kids thinking being beat is normal.

"Just like you found me...and I'm your best friend!" Tbh I thought she was gonna say 'Me and Badgerclops' & that would make a lot more sense

Why are they fighting over who's his best friend they're obviously BOTH his best friends

I'm sorry did Badgerclops just call Adorabat a "little mutant"?? ARE THE SWEETYPIES MUTANTS??

Awww his friends love him sm...and he feels so loved too...💓💓💗💗💕💕

Try Hard

No one gives a shit about Pinky being kidnapped lol

"K for Copyright Infringement"

"You'll never be like me!" Oof a little harsh maybe?

"You've gotta learn to be your own kind of hero, in your own special way!" So THAT'S where it's from

"You just gotta...try hard." Hey, title drop!

Ngl the moment Mao Mao said "Badgerclops take the shot" I immediately thought of The Confession 3 by TomSka

"Up in a tree, little old me, about to do something...UGLY..." 7-year-old me sniping people on Halo 3 like

Why is he shooting them with gelatin tho? ...oh. Oh THAT'S why.

Tbh if I didn't have subtitles on I would've thought BC was saying "beep boop"

This badger and cat empty, YEET

Adorabat walking into the Skyship with only a walkie-talkie is giving me some sort of vibes...OH, Silent Hill! Or Tattletail

WHOOP HIS ASS SWEETIE

"Mao Mao would hide the body!" Very unsubtle there, wonder how it got past censors

"Ratarang, say something!" "Pasketti?" "THAT'S THE BRAT!"

Wait a sec, they can just use Badgerclops' arm to power the ship? Why didn't they try that in CapturedClops?

"Good thing my head is in here cuz I'm a-scared of heights!" Ramaraffe. Whose whole schtick is making herself taller. Is acrophobic?

"Because she's Sheriff's Department, that's how! >:3" "Also y'all tend to be pretty incompetent >X/"

Why does she keep trying to use the elevator when she can fly? Nvm she climbed up Badgerclops' arm

"Ooooh I'm also hereeee"

"JERK BUTT"

Why is the Omega Field just a bunch of broken glass? And why doesn't she just step around it?

"I can fly!" "She can fly!" "SHE FORGOT?!" Ooh that's why

"You're the best thing to ever happen to a bat like me." 💝💝💕💕💓💓

Wait she's talking through the walkie-talkie and her molts are there but she isn't there where is she?

Oh she was freeing the other two from the gelatin. No wonder Mao Mao almost threw up, it was bug flavored.

GET HIS ASS, HONEY!! ADORASLAP!!

I hope that 'Nah' means Adorabat's realized she needs to be herself instead of her just rejecting her individuality like I think it is.

Scared Of Puppets

Oh, so this takes place after Sleeper Sofa! Praying it's a fix-it episode...

"DISCARD ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T BRING YOU JOY!!" Fuckin Marie Kondo up in here

Oh no PTSD flashbacks. He's scared of them cuz one's head landed on his lap as a kid? Understandable have a nice day.

Who tf collapsed into a sobbing heap on the floor then leaps back up and insists they're fine? Mao Mao, apparently.

Hairless ape? Is that what they call humans or are they something different in general?

"TAKE ALL MY MONEY!!" What did BC want an antique puppet for if he had no idea Mao was scared of them...

Mr. Din Dandalib!

"I...(eye twitch) love him too..."

IM SORRY DID HE FUCKING THROW UP OUT OF FEAR...holy SHIT

If I scared my friend and they threw up I would simply never do that again. RIP to Badgerclops but I'm different

(Badgerclops makes concrete blocks around the pothole) "Why didn't you just fill in the pothole??" "I AM TRYING MY BEST!!"

"I SIGNED YOUR DUMB CAST, NOW LEAVE!!"

...Illegal house plants? ...like marijua-

That was literally just that one video where a guy knocked out another guy in a mask jumping out of a trash can...

So it's a CPR class...AND a hair-styling class? How

I stg the moment Badgerclops walked in the door I knew he was carrying Mr. Din Danalin I SWEAR

"You're 10." "BUT I'M 6??" JFC Shin doesn't know his own son's age AND is partially responsible for his pupaphobia. And I called it on Mao Mao being six in the flashbacks

OH WIG

Can someone take the footage of the Annex exploding and add the ReviewTechUSA intro over it please

"How many Adult Learning Annexes have to be destroyed before you admit you're scared of puppets?!" is extremely funny without context

(Mao punches the wall cuz hes mad at himself for being scared) Kinkinkinkinki

How does one forget to drink milk

Oh shit the scene from the promo...

Yay he's starting to feel less scared - wait NVM it JUST STARTED TALKING??

OG SGUTVKC FGCJ OG SHKR OF DJCN JKKKKK

Oh it was just a dream - er, nightmare. FIRST NIGHTMARE SEQUENCE OF THE SERIES!

"I just gotta get my socks on...wait, I wear socks, right?" Dud e you wear NOTHING BUT A BELT...

"I KNEW SELLING THOSE HAIRLESS APE DOLLS WOULD ATTRACT DARK FORCES"

"There’s a lot of pu-" "PUBLIC DANGER"

Those puppets are alive I stg

"I'M A BIG BOI..."

Awwww she said what he told her at the beginning of the episode!

"I'M AFRAID OF PUPPETS" TITLE DROP YET AGAIN

Adorabat takes after Badgerclops sometimes I swear

Oooh shit sequel hook - oh NVM it was Badgerclops voice acting - NVM Mao Mao passed out. Dang

The Perfect Couple

Watermelon time babyyy

TRANSFORMATION TIME BABYYYY

Ah so he wanted to perfectly cut a watermelon in half, that's why he got so many?

"I need (counts on fingers) 600 more watermelons!" glad to see I'm not the only one who counts on my fingers

Why would Penny and Benny need 600 watermelons for their wedding? Also I called it on Penny & Benny being the couple

Mao Mao has to officiate the wedding? I thought priests did that

Please don’t throw up again Mao Mao

"I WILL BUY YOU A BAG TO HOLD YOUR STUFF..."

"A nondescript sack!!" Dude he just taking out the trash...

Nvm its just laundry

"I WILL TURN THIS BUSH AROUND"

Oh so THAT'S what Ramaraffe thought Kevin was Adorabat

"Why don't you buy me cake and do my laundry?" Are you implying you wanna marry Mao Mao, Badgerclops 👀

I lov Mao Mao's faces in this scene he legit looks like a bishouen anime protagonist

Nvm no transformation it's just his wedding outfit

Why did they invite Orangusnake and Boss Hosstritch to the wedding tho? What about when they hid in their moving truck and used their electricity - wait Badgerclops technically did that last one, nvm

Wait THEY DIDN'T TALK TO EACH OTHER BEFORE THE WEDDING?? What a perfect couple huh

Is Mao Mao having hallucinations just gonna be a regular thing now....

IS PENNY SERIOUSLY GONNA MARRY ORANGUSNAKE OUT OF SPITE ASFSDGFUK

Why did Mao Mao say "melons" in a Spanish accent I'm scared

"They're both terrible, so what does it matter if they get hitched or not?" They're definitely gonna change their minds now

"She lied because she wanted to protect his feelings! And he lied because he couldn't bear to hurt her!" Isn't that just the plot of The Truth Stinks?

OH SHIT HE CUT ORANGUSNAKE IN HALF HOLY FUCK

He made Orangusnake officiate the wedding as punishment lol

Why are they,,,stepping on the watermelons?? Damn right Badgerclops I'd cry over that too

"What's, uh, your credit score like?" "850. Why, is that good?" "It's perfect..." HE WANTS TO MARRY MAO MAO NOW ASDFHKL

#semi live blogging #semi-live blogging #//long post #// long post

[thehyperkraken]

EDIT: yall idk why the actual fic isnt showing up in the tags but this shit is, bc thats literally the opposite of what i wanted, but for the love of god read the fic first and/or instead, that’s the thing i spent more than 20 minutes on: [link]

Hey random idea dump for that one fic i done did yeehaw... it’s almost longer than the fic itself but jesus christ i need to get these ideas out of my head and throw them into the internet ether, seriously don’t read this its a goddamn mess

So ghjkdf the actual plotty part of that fic came from that one b99 bit... the Bone one.....u kno

Arthur: Come on, Dutch. The O'Driscolls thing isn't the problem. You're in a bad mood because you've been so busy planning this heist that it's keeping you and Hosea apart. You two just need to bone. John: Oh no... Dutch: ...What did you say? John: Don't say it again! Arthur: I said you two need to bone. John: Oh my god... Dutch: (with barely contained fury) Hhhhhow Dare you Arthur Morgan, I am thIS GANG'S LEADER!!! You have NO RIGHT to comment on my sex life— (5 minutes later) Dutch, standing on top of a table screaming: BONE?!?!?! (10 minutes later) Dutch: What happens in my bedroom, son, is NONE of your business— (20 minutes later) Dutch, jumping up and down on the table: BOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!! (40 minutes later) Dutch: And don't EVER speak to me like that AGAIN! (storms off) John, sunken down in his chair in horror: Why the hell did you do that? Arthur: (shrugs) They need to bone. John: Gross, Arthur! That's our dads!

And then like a day later gfdhkg

John: Oh hey Dutch! I know you don't want to talk about Hosea, BUT, I had an idea— Dutch: No need, John, it's all good. John: So... your fight with Hosea is over? Dutch: Yep. John: Because you finally figured out a plan for the heist...? Dutch: Nope! Arthur, excitedly: Because you guys—? Dutch: Yyyyep! Arthur, looking smug: Knew it. John: Ugh... Arthur: (leans down close to him) See, what happened is, our dads had sex— John: UGH, SHUT UP!

Another inspiration I had was John Mulaney’s bit about zoning out for John with adhd,,,,, the part where he’s like “the doctor was reading me the results of a blood test, it was IMPORTANT that I LISTENED, but NO, I zoned out, I was like, I’m just gonna stare at the wall and think m’thoughts” that’s why I wrote the part where John was like “ehhh attention deficient something something disease” bc it made me laugh gjhggdjh

Dutch: so the doctor says you have ADHD John: (thinking about minecraft) what?

Also unrelated but blease consider Arthur teaching John to drive like

Arthur: are you watching the road? John: ........I am looking through the windshield Arthur: John: .......and I’m not gonna hit anyone...... Arthur: John: ....but no. I’m thinkin’ about minecraft

(Also I don’t know anything about ssb I’ve played it once and hated it, minecraft is my og video game love, but Abigail beating John at ssb is funnier, I’m a fake gamer boy :^( rip)

ONE MORE INSPIRATION THAT ONE VINE ITS MY FAVORITE VINE

Arthur: are you drinking coke for breakfast? John: yeah, what did you have for breakfast? Arthur: ........nothing John: (sipping his drink) I’m doing better than you, then

Anyway onto ACTUAL IDEA STUFF HOORAY

So when Dutch and Hosea decided to adopt, they agreed they wanted to take in kids who needed good homes the most, so they were specifically looking for older kids who would probably age out of the system and wind up on the streets

They met Arthur who was a clearly depressed and gender non conforming thirteen year old who hated everyone and everything and wasn’t getting the Love he Deserved, and Dutch was like “I want THAT ONE, with the SAD EYES”

Arthur tried to push them away at first, cuz he absolutely didn’t trust anyone, and some part of him believed they’d just give him right back up for adoption if he disappointed them in any way. But he eventually learned that they were good guys who really just wanted to help him, and they weren’t gonna abandon him if he wasn’t the perfect kid they always wanted

(he probably told them about this fear eventually and Hosea just snorted and was like “if we wanted a perfect kid we woulda got a cabbage patch doll. something that wouldn’t scream or make a mess” and Dutch was like “yeah! or like a 27 year old with a job and their own house and kids of their own. pre-made grandkids” and Hosea was like “or a cat” and Arthur was like “...okay”)

Anyway it took a loooong time but Arthur eventually trusted them enough to come out to them as trans, without really knowing the proper words for everything, just knowing that He Is A Boy And That’s That. As much as Hosea is the one the lads go to to talk about stuff and get comfort and Wise Dad Advice, he probably told Dutch first bc he was more uncertain how he’d respond and he wanted to get it over with in the worst way possible.... like, if they were gonna react badly, heap all the bullshit on in one fell swoop

I imagine he did it off the cuff too, in response to something Dutch said, like Dutch was like “u get back here right now young lady” and Arthur was like “first of all I’m not a lady, I’m a BOY, and second of all FUCK you, I do what I WANT” and Dutch was like “groovy. you’re grounded.” Arthur was like (offended) “don’t say groovy... don’t try to be hip” and Dutch was like “no it’s totally tubular that ur a boy. It’s absolutely funky. You’re fucking grounded though”

Then he went and told Hosea like “congrats! it’s a boy” and they helped him transition and they didn’t tolerate a single person misgendering him the whole time. Like before he’s even begun transitioning, they’re literally at the doctors office to discuss it w/ their doc for the first time, and a nurse is like “ms. morgan?” And Dutch is like “INCORRECT” and the doctor is like “what seems to be the problem (deadname)?” and Dutch is like “FOOL! THIS CHILD WAS LABELED INACCURATELY, WE REQUIRE A GENDER RETRACTION” and Hosea’s like “please stop yelling”

Anyway probably about a year later they got John when he was ten and Arthur was fifteen. Arthur was a little bit jealous like, wow, am I not enough kid for u, but Dutch and Hosea always planned on getting at least two bc they wanted them to have siblings, and they know John came from a pretty abusive situation, so Arthur can’t be too mad at him. At least until he met John and realized what a fucking brat he is

Since John was younger and way more desperate for affection, he immediately loved Dutch and Hosea just bc they were nice to him, he was ready to call them his dads within the month but he was nervous that it was too soon and they’d be weirded out. But I imagine he got triggered by something and had a meltdown and they got to see just a glimpse of what he’d been through, and Dutch and Hosea were falling over themselves trying to comfort him and tell him they love him and now I’m making myself cry :’^(

Anyway... from that point on John was like “these are the only dads I’ve ever had and I would kill a man for them.” He gets in trouble quite a bit bc he’s Naughty, but Dutch and Hosea always make sure to punish him fairly and never yell or be physically intimidating with him or permanently take away his stuff, like they make him do chores to earn back the right to use the xbox or something. And they always explain to him exactly what he did wrong and why he’s being punished and talk to him about how he can make it better or what he can do next time, or if there’s a root problem, like he’s acting out bc he’s overwhelmed with school work or smthn, how they can help him. Especially after he gets diagnosed with ADHD

And of course they do all this with Arthur too, but they make a special concerted effort with John bc he’s The Baby :^) and Dutch somehow maintains an attitude of “idk what ur talking about, John has never done anything wrong ever in his life” every time he gets in trouble meanwhile Hosea is like “what do you MEAN, he’s a GREMLIN” fjfjfhhf

Arthur was probably diagnosed with depression and anxiety at some point... it was probably a long process to get him to even admit he had a problem bc he didnt wanna bother anyone... Arthur also probably came from an abusive situation from the way canon Arthur talks about his dad, but Arthur is much more the type to be like “i’m gonna keep all my feelings inside, and then one day, i’ll die” whereas John is like “i will SCREAM if i get a papercut”

[EDIT: i woke up in a cold sweat at 4 AM with this in my head so now i’m putting it here

Charles: So, Arthur... Do you wanna talk about your feelings? Arthur: No. John: I do! :) Charles: ...I know, John. John: I’m sad! :) Charles: I know, John.

i’m sure it’s been done before but it’s so good. ok now back to our regularly scheduled programming]

In regards to Arthur being trans, John doesn’t really Get It, Arthur tried to explain it to him once and John couldn’t care less, all he knows is Arthur used to be a girl or something, there’s tea involved probably, and John is thinking about minecraft again... he has 2 am thoughts about it sometimes and comes to Arthur like “what IS gender” and Arthur’s just like “hm. big mood”

Dutch is “Dad” and Hosea is “Papa” or “Pa” or “Pops” or “Dad, No Not You, The Other One” or “Other Dad.” Hosea really doesn’t mind at all, he wouldn’t care if the kids called him Hosea or mom or anything else, it truly isnt important to him. But Dutch Loves being Dad. Every time they call Dutch Dad he grows three times stronger and 10 years are added to his lifespan. Dutch is an Alpha Parent, he 100% goes to every parent teacher conference and bake sale, he’d go to every game and concert too if either of his kids had a single athletic or musical bone in their dumb little bodies. I guess the school probably hosts art galleries sometimes to display art the kids make, Arthur always has a drawing in one of those, and Dutch will absolutely go just to brag about his cool son.

Dutch is the Fun Energetic Dad who embarrasses the boys in front of their friends but can always be talked into taking them out to get ice cream. Hosea is the more quietly anxious dad, he makes sure they do their homework and keep their rooms clean and shit, and he's the one the kids always go to talk to when they’re having problems... like Arthur will rant for an hour and a half about high school drama and Hosea will patiently listen to all of it and when he's done he’ll offer to kick the other kids’ asses for him, and Arthur’s like lmao but Hosea Means It.

Hosea is also the one the kids go to for help on their homework because Hosea and Dutch have five brain cells between them, and four of them belong to Hosea. Dutch is like “suddenly I don’t remember basic math, time to make shit up” and Hosea is like “I must become an expert on 1820s Chinese history in two days for my beautiful sons”

I have NO idea what either of their jobs are, I wanna say Hosea is a lawyer or smthn but idk, Dutch is probably like......................a used car salesman LMAO...... they clearly make a lot of money (or maybe STOLE SOME) bc I gave them a huge house w/ a pool gjhkdhg

Anyway more about THE KIDS

They go to a school that is a combination middle school and high school, bc that’s what my school was like

Mrs. Grimshaw is the strict and irritable principal with a secret soft spot for kids, Mr. Pearson is the cafeteria cook, Strauss works in the office, I wanna say Rev. Swanson is a weird but friendly janitor or something lmao. Uncle is Dutch & Hosea’s annoying forever-drunk neighbor who everyone barely tolerates fjfjhfh

Micah is The School Bully but like bc this is a cutesy high school au and I can do what I want, he’s not actually like a violent racist or anything he’s just a bad mad sad kid who is a huge dick

Bill is Micah’s Bully Henchman, he’s generally not as much of a dick as Micah is, but he punches whoever Micah asks him to bc they are the closest thing to friends that either of them have

Trelawny is a new student who just moved from another school and he’s that fucking Weird Magician Kid who can’t hold a conversation longer than five seconds without saying “wanna see a magic trick,” tried to do some unimpressive card tricks for the school talent show, unironically wears a cape, etc.... Arthur stood up for him when he was getting pushed around by Micah and Bill so now Arthur has +1 more weird friend

Karen is the Popular Girl who somehow knows everyone, is probably a cheerleader, everyone is either extremely intimidated by her or thinks she’s gonna be a stuck up bitch, but she’s actually just super fucking chill and nice, WILL stab a man for her friends, she won’t hesitate bitch

Tilly is Karen’s bff who was getting bullied by *shakes fist* those dang foreman brothers.... Karen stood up for her and Tilly was like “no don’t u will get hurt!!” and Karen was like “ha... fool... cheerleaders cannot die” and whooped ass with her gymnastics skills and somehow got the foreman brothers expelled. So now Tilly is like “I owe u one (1) Life Debt” but Karen is like “nah it’s chill just come to target w/ me & we’ll call it even.” Tilly is just tryna get shit done and do her damn homework but everybody else is going on adventures and being nuisances so of course Tilly has to go too bc come on....... who do you take her for, some kinda two-bit GEEK? NO WAY

Mary Beth is a quiet nerdy girl who’s always reading or writing and never talks in class or anything. Karen and Tilly became her friends thru sheer brute force, Karen just sat by her one day n was like “sup” and Mary Beth was too shy to ask her to leave. They were surprised to discover Mary Beth is actually pretty nice and funny when you get to know her and also the Biggest Lesbian Alive

Sadie is a BAD BITCH... NOBODY fucks with Sadie, not even Micah, Sadie is the girl who when some dipshit boy spreads a rumor that he had sex with her, she agrees and tells everyone she pegged him and he cried after, she hasn’t given a fuck since 2007. she climbs on the roof to get lost frisbees. one time she got the gym coach to agree to give her an automatic A in the class if she did 100 push ups in 5 minutes. Then she Did That. She might have pulled several muscles in both of her arms but She Did That. Karen, Tilly, and Mary Beth (but mostly Karen) approached her like “damn that was sick” and Sadie was like “yea i know” and then they were friends

I literally don’t know anything about Sean I’m sorry...... maybe he’s a transfer student who becomes friends with John, they play Minecraft together and Sean boobytraps the houses John builds. Sean is the only living human being who understands how redstone works and he uses his powers for evil

Molly is going to a nearby community college and is working at the high school part time as a TA and she is like 19-20 or smthn so the kids all think she’s The Hottest Shit,,,, like they think she’s just the coolest hippest person alive, but also she is Very Attractive so fuckin everybody has a crush on her, most specifically Javier and Mary Beth. She ineptly tries to flirt with Dutch every time he comes to a parent teacher conference bc she’s dummy thicc and thinks it’s friendship goals that Dutch lives with and has adopted children with his Best Bud Hosea

The teacher Molly is TA for is Charles Chatenay, an all-grades art teacher who takes his job WAY too seriously, like dude chill they’re high schoolers. His class is where Arthur met Albert, bc Arthur loves drawing and obviously Albert loves photography. They were both like “wow he’s cute” but were too shy to talk to each other for more than basic pleasantries, until one day Albert’s Big Project was ruined a day or two before he was gonna turn it in, and Arthur helped him fix it.

They’re so sweet on each other it’s unbearable, they’re both Soft Boys so they fuckin blush if they make eye contact...... the most bold either of them get is when Arthur is feeling insecure about his body and Albert gladly tells him how perfect and handsome he is in every way, and he wishes he was half as gorgeous as Arthur is, and Arthur is like (offended) um, excuse me, how dare u insult my beautiful boyfriend in this way?? They both wanna grow beards so while they’re still going thru Changes they excitedly bond over their facial hair......... they run up to each other at school like LOOK AT MY NEW CHIN HAIR and the other one is like WOW!!! GOOD JOB

Javier has a big lovely family who spoil him rotten and tbh love to spoil his friends when they come over too, his parents are in a constant and devastating game of dish-gifting with Dutch & Hosea, Arthur and John have eaten more of Mr. & Mrs. Escuella’s tamales than any other food, neither Dutch nor Hosea are very good cooks but luckily Javier has plenty of aunts and uncles and cousins who are happy to occasionally take one of their unimpressive lasagnas or cakes from a box mix

Lenny’s cool dad in canon is the high school au dad of Charles and Lenny, he and Charles’s mom amicably divorced and he got remarried to Lenny’s mom, who is a Cool Stepmom to Charles. Charles and Lenny go stay with Charles’s mom all the time, in fact she was around so much when they were younger that she practically helped raise them both. maybe she gets a gf and Charles and Lenny have so many moms and are so loved & cherished like they fuCKIN DESERVE

Kieran is the weird horse girl at school, he’s Lenny’s age, they become friends when they’re forced to sit next to each other and they’re both too awkward and shy to say anything until they’re paired up on a project together bc everyone else in the class already paired up and they were the only ones left gjkhfd.... John wants to dislike Kieran bc Lenny is HIS friend now, but Kieran is a sweet lad with a mean dad.... His dad is Colm O’Driscoll, Dutch & Hosea’s other neighbor and Dutch’s sworn enemy

Dutch expects Kieran to be as shitty as his dad, but he is a SWEET BOY, and as soon as they realize his situation, they tell Kieran he can come over whenever he wants and spend the night any time, he doesn’t have to ask or anything, but Kieran is super respectful and always asks permission and always tries to come over when John or Arthur are there so he can go under the pretense of hanging out with them, bc he doesn’t wanna intrude...

Once he came over when Hosea was the only one home and he was like “hi Mr. Matthews are John and Arthur home” and Hosea was like “no sorry they’re out” and Kieran was like “oh... ok sorry I’ll just go then” and Hosea was like “absolutely not” and brought Kieran in and made him snacks and wrapped him in many blankets and watched a kids movie with him until he fell asleep on the couch... when Dutch came home he was like “??? new son ???” and Hosea was like “yea I guess. oops”

When Kieran gets older they help him become an emancipated minor and get a job and his own place (even tho he knows they’d let him stay with them if he wanted) and he changes his last name to his mom’s maiden name Duffy... Colm and Dutch glare at each other over their fences and Colm is like “enjoying stealing my son?” and Dutch is like “my son now” but Colm really doesn’t care bc he’s an asshole... and even tho they don’t legally adopt him, Kieran’s like “I’m more of a Van der Linde than an O’Driscoll” and oops i’m making myself cry again :’)

And yes Abigail does eventually teach John how to play stupid super smash bros. She’s Pro Gamer level of competent at nearly all video games and John has the biggest heart eyes for her, the end thank u for listening

#the suffering of john marston. 13 #filler tag 1 #filler tag 2 #morgason #trans arthur morgan #vandermatthews #rdr2

[littlefallenrebel]

My love and feels for Skz 🌹🖤

I was tagged by my dear @pikachulein (thank you for doing that btw) to do a post about my feels for Skz so here it is! 

I’m just gonna say that this post is probably a bit cringy and makes zero sense because I have a hard time putting my feelings/thoughts into words :p Also... this ended up being.......1,2k+ words long, whoops 😌

Woojin:

I see Woojin as an older brother he’s 3 years older than me so there we go even tho it’s not that much, anyway so with him it’s definitely brotherly and sibling-like love. It would be awesome to have him as my older brother can i swap my annoying bro with him please and I feel like he would be someone who I can rant about stuff and ask advice. Since he’s also super loving towards his members and takes care of them, I can sort of relate to that since I’m lowkey the mom-friend in my friend group. He’s such a sweetheart and I’m so soft ;-;

Bang Chan:

Ah, it’s mister ”here to wreck your bias list once again”. Chan is probably the one who confuses me the most, I mean he’s my bias but at the same time he’s my bias wrecker and I really don’t know how I feel about him?? I just feel drawn and very attracted to him. But despite being attracted to him, I seriously admire and respect Chan a lot. To me, he’s such an inspirational person and I would love to spend time with him talking about lyrics meanings and deep things. I think we're both that sort of people who sometimes think about stuff too deeply and maybe stress over small things. He's still so young and has a lot on his shoulders and i just sjdhsh. I would probably say my love for Chan is intellectual/magnetical type of love.

Lee Know:

Ohlord it’s the pisces+scorpio duo  with minho it’s definitely the best friends/playful type of love, absolutely. I feel like if we two were best friends we would be that super salty duo who throws shade at everyone. Minho is someone who I would love to just hang out with and share some hot tea ☕ about stuff. Also, I feel like minho would appreciate my super bad jokes and puns no one ever likes my puns and i bet my friends are ashamed of me lmao and we could throw awful pickup lines at each other. I would love to just go on a random shopping spree with him or mess around in a park in the middle of the night. Where do I get a best friend like minho?

Hyunjin:

Another sweet child o’ mine, my fellow Pisces son. I relate to Hyunjin a lot on an emotional level since I feel like we’re both emotionally sensitive so I’ll say I have this similar people/affectionate type of love towards him. I want to watch those overly sappy and cheesy movies/dramas with and cry together when something bad happens. Also, you know that face he does when he thinks his face is bloated?? I swear to god I do that exact same face 24/7. he's an affectionate person imo so i think he would make a nice hug/cuddle buddy, heh. and we both have a thing for weird noises too Hyunjin is probably the member who I relate the most to and he’s sometimes such a mood.

Han:

oof, the ultimate bias wrecker. My love for Jisung is probably the affectionate kind of love and he is another member, who I admire.  Jisung is quite deep and poetic person in my opinion and I’d love to discuss and write lyrics with him. I adore his positive and goofy personality and his shenanigans always make me giggle and lift up my mood. I sometimes just get distracted by him and then I find myself thinking “what an adorable bean you are”. He’s such a kind-hearted and sweet person, I just want to squish his cheeks and ruffle his hair. But sometimes I feel like he doesn’t really feel that confident about himself, so I would want to just comfort and support him. I want him to know he’s doing well, that he’s talented and he’s more than just the mood-maker of the group. I just want to cheer him up with my very shitty jokes and drag him to the nearest arcade. Yeah, I just want to be friends with Jisung and have a blast.

Felix:

Felix, my sweet sunshine baby boi, a precious puppy with a deep ancient God voice, I love him so much i might cry. Felix was my first skz bias and is now my second bias, so I do have a sort of special soft spot for him. I would say my love for him is a mix of affectionate and pure love. Felix is such a soft sweetheart and pure, I just want to hold and cuddle him. Like?? i just can’t imagine anything bad or nasty about him??? that boy just radiates sunshine and happiness ;_; Like I would just love to play video games and make goddamn vine references with him, that would be life.

Seungmin:

With Seungmin it’s friendship like love. I just see him as a good friend who I would have a blast hanging out with I lowkey wanna have a roast battle with him, don’t ask why i just do also, as a fellow myday, we two could just scream and fangirl about Day6 together lmao. me and seungmin singing more like screaming the lyrics to shoot me at 2am? sign me up. He’s such a cutie squish. Seungmin is kind of a mischievious person and he lowkey brings out the mischief in me too, so I kinda want to prank the other members with him lmao.

Jeongin:

Okay, Jeongin is not that much younger than me but he feels like a younger brother to me, so with him, it’s probably sibling-like love I would say. He’s so cute and precious and I just want to look after him and I’ll fight anyone who dares to corrupt this smol bean.  I also lowkey want to have that friendly, sibling rivalry -like relationship with him, idk why. I want to make sure he’s doing well and offer my help if he needs it. Jeongin is such a pure baby and his smile is worth fighting for.

baby boy culture uwu

*sigh*

now,

this next part is gonna be the cheesiest thing ever and probably a bit cringy so you've been warned. bear with me and my feels

Changbin:

oh my god, where do I even start with seo changbin. I'm sure everyone and their ancestors know that my love for him is definitely romantic/true type of love. That boy makes my heart burst and I'm just so damn whipped. im so sorry but i must expose myself and admit that there is some sexual love here too sometimes cuz boi i've had some rather heated thoughts/dreams with bin, anYWAY BACK TO BEING SOFT I love that we share the same kind of aesthetic with all the "i love dark" stuff and wearing mostly black, but then actually being the softest. Since we both have had the thought of becoming a tattoo artist, it would be so cool to draw and design tattoos together! andthengetacoupletattoo I would want to spend time with him at the studio, bring him food and make sure he doesn’t overwork himself and even though I don’t know much about making music but I would love to help him with writing lyrics too. I would support and hype him all the way and make sure he’s healthy. I want to make sure he’s eating and resting properly. Also! Since I love the height difference between me and Bin, I just want to give him all my hoodies to see how smol and soft he would look in them!!  I honestly just love everything he does, every little thing. His aegyo, his cute nose crunch, his adorable laugh, his smile,  his fierce stage presence,…. I could go on forever. I want him to know he’s doing well and I want to be there for him. I want to have those random, sleepy 3am conversations with and hold each other close. I want ruffle and run my hands through his hair and boop is cute nose. I want to share soft kisses with him and kiss that jaw goddamit. I just can't properly put it into words how much I love Changbin and how much he means to me. I could honestly just spend hours talking about him and he just makes me go all ajdhshswg. This got rly long and it's very cheesy and cringy sorry. I just love Seo Changbin with all my heart ♡

so yeah, here it is then. this post is a goddamn mess tbh but so am i so 🤷

#jsdhdhs brb i im gonna hide #this turned out really cheesy #soph rambles #tag #tagged #stray kids #bang chan #kim woojin #lee know #seo changbin #hwang hyunjin #han jisung #lee felix #kim seungmin #yang jeongin

[mysticmylifeisamess-enger]

Hiii! Can I request a very fluffy hc (cuz i need fluff to balance out my angsty feelings) with rfa members + saeran+ v where they go visit MC's family for the first time and MC has a younger brother/sister that loves MC so any bf/gf they hate cuz they just want to protect their older sister from heart breaks and bad people. So what would the rfa do to get them to trust them? Thx!!

Similar request from @just-want-a-stupid-username and this honestly took me much longer than I thought it would to write. I only have an older brother so hopefully this is good enough ^^ I also left out Jaehee cause it was just so long :~(

Yoosung:

he was already nervous enough meeting your family, it didn’t make it any better when you let him know how important it is that him and your sister get along

he thought that he could get along with them, since he was closer to their age than most of the adults there

but as soon as he introduced himself to her, only to be completely brushed off, he wondered whether it was something he did

was his breathe gross? did he shake her hand too long? did he accidentally spit in her face??

he immediately put those thoughts aside to focus on this situation

he knew it was important you two get along so he was going to try damn hard to win her over

so as soon as he could, he tried to talk to her

see what she liked and what they could possibly bond over

but as soon as he asked, she deadpanned

“I don’t like guys who pay more attention to their video games than my sister”

“N-No, I s-swear it’s not like that!” 

you noticed him panicking to explain himself so you step in

“Hey, be nice to him,” you said, giving him a quick peck on the cheek for reassurance, “he makes me happy.”

as soon as you walked off, she had noticed that you two truly had something genuine

especially with how he looked at you when you walked away

so immediately, she apologized

and they started their introductions over

and soon enough, they bonded over common video games they’ve played

he got through the evening without a hitch, although he was so sure that he was gonna crash and burn somehow beforehand

Zen:

he had tried on ten different outfits before settling on one to meet your family

poor boy was so nervous about it

he had never gone this step with a significant other before, so he was set on doing everything right

rehearsed his compliments, bought flowers and wine, even practicing his hand shake

and when the time came, he would have been much more nervous if you weren’t by his side

as soon as he got there, everyone seemed to have fallen in love with him

you got compliments left and right about how charismatic and handsome he was

but you noticed your sister rolling her eyes every time he opened his mouth

and when he tried to approach her to talk to her, she seemed to already have something to say

“September 16th, 5:32 P.M. Explain.”

he was taken aback, looking at her to see if maybe she was just kidding

but she held up a magazine with what looked to be Zen leaving a building with another woman

“Explain.”

“That’s the director of a show I’m doing, I’m an actor,” he said, thinking she’d be impressed

but she continued to press on

he could feel his heart racing out of his chest, but remained calm as he answered to even more tabloid shots

he was so afraid that she wouldn’t believe him

until you came to the rescue

“You still read trashy tabloids?” you asked, “I thought you would have grown out of those by now.”

“Only to make sure you’re not going out with some playboy,” she scoffed

“And while I appreciate it, these are exaggerated.”

“And how would you know that these ones aren’t?”

“Well for starters, some of these are trying to suggest he’s gay,” you said, picking one up, “and I’ve seen his search history enough to know that that’s just not true.”

you walked away to leave Zen an embarrassed mess and your sister apologizing for the interrogation

Jumin:

when he was meeting your family, he was pretty nervous

he thought he had no reason to, since he was the head of a huge company and easy on the eyes

but he just wanted your family to like him and to prove that he had good intentions with you 

and when he meets your parents, they instantly get along, which puts him at ease with meeting the rest of your family

until you introduced him to your sister

“So this is the sugar daddy that kept you locked in his apartment”

you looked to Jumin only to see him about as shocked as you are

“I really don’t know how she learned that word!” you half-whispered to him

that, however, almost completely destroyed his confidence

he later tried to talk to her and she just didn’t seem to want him there

it had fully clicked that to him, he was the guy who had kept her sister locked in his apartment and then took her away completely by marrying her

he thought that maybe he could try to justify that to her, explain himself 

”You know, I made sure she was properly taken care of while staying at my place. I even had Elizabeth 3rd keep her company.”

”Who’s Elizabeth 3rd?”

”My cat”

”You have a cat?!”

and she instantly changed her demeanor towards him as they bonded over cats

she was definitely still convinced that he was a sugar daddy, but a good one

he even offered to bring Elizabeth the next time they come over

and after some time, she grows to welcome him as family

was so relieved that your family liked him, this was the most nervous he had been for anything, work didn’t even stress him as much as this

but he never did shake the nickname ‘Sugar Daddy’

Saeyoung:

you told him several times to not pull anything when he met your family

they wouldn’t appreciate his pranks as much as you did

you had even patted him down before heading out 

but as soon as your sister answered the door and he stuck his hand out to shake hers, it fell off, fake blood oozing out of his sleeve as she screamed

“I thought I told you no pranks, where did you get that?”

“I have trained several years in the art of snea-“

“The glove compartment, I knew I should have checked your car”

needless to say, she did not appreciate that

any time he tried to approach her to apologize, she would completely ignore him

and she even tried to convince your parents to kick him out

he was determined to try and make it right for your sake

“How about we pull a prank on MC?” he asked, pulling her aside to tell her his devious plan

and she agreed to do it 

soon enough, you approached the two to see how they were doing

“Well your boyfriend is really testing my patience,” she said, “I think this is the closest I’ve gotten to murdering someone.”

“Pfft, she’s kidding,” he said, putting a hand on her shoulder, “she would never murder!”

“Oh yeah?” she said, picking up the nearest utensil and stabbing it into him

blood gushing out from where she stabbed him and foaming out of his mouth

you clocked the fake blood pretty quick though

“You two are real mature, it’s getting on the carpet!” you said as you ran to get something to clean up the mess

but you came back to seeing them laughing their asses off together and it made you happy to see them get along

not so happy to see what else they seemed to have up their sleeves for the rest of the night

V:

he was actually really looking forward to meeting your family

he already loved you so he would have guessed that he would love your family

and for the most part, he did and they seemed to love him back

until he met your sister

she had heard some things about him, mostly that he was a famous photographer and artist

but it was never really specified what he photographed

so upon first meeting, she wasn’t really afraid to ask “do you shoot porn?”

he was so flustered

“Wha-? No! I jus-“

“You see, he does! Otherwise he wouldn’t get that nervous!”

he looked shocked and about ready to cry

and you had to pinch her to stop

“Be nice, he doesn’t shoot porn”

you pulled out your phone to show her some of his work and she seemed impressed by it

she immediately apologized and even asked him about his work

it was all sweet until he offered to do a shoot for her and she blurted out “I don’t do porn!”

you had to smack her on the head and remind her that he doesn’t shoot porn

Saeran:

he dreaded meeting your family

they probably knew how they met so they probably already hated him

or so he thought

they seemed to have welcomed him with open arms and loving smiles

it was almost like he had immediately found a new family in them, which gave him a nice, warm feeling

he almost didn’t notice your sister staring daggers at him until he approached her

and as he did, he was a little scared they wouldn’t get along

he just wanted things to go right, especially for you

“Why’d you kidnap my sister?”

“Huh?”

“My sister told me that you led her to an apartment and kept her there for days. Why’d you do it?”

“I-I did it with good intentions,” he said, shrugging

“How could getting kidnapped by someone who looks like a hot topic employee be good for someone?”

that one cut deep

“First of all, MC doesn’t seem to mind the ‘hot topic’ look,” he started, “and secondly, I love her. So much so that I tricked her into going to an apartment, which wasn’t right, but it worked out for the best.”

after she walked off, rolling her eyes at what he had said, he realized that maybe his choice of words weren’t the best

he decided to focus on only making you happy for the rest of the night, which your sister happened to notice

she realized you were really happy with him, in the least stockholm syndrome way possible

so she later apologized to him, bonding over talking about how gullible you were to fall for his trick

she still, however, teased his outfit choice, calling him the reject my chemical romance member

#mystic messenger #yoosung kim #zen #hyun ryu #jumin han #saeyoung choi #707 #jihyun kim #saeran choi #mystic messenger imagines #imagines #headcanon #mystic messenger headcanon #mystic messenger yoosung #mystic messenger zen #mystic messenger jumin #mystic messenger saeyoung #mystic messenger 707 #mystic messenger v #mystic messenger saeran #mystic messenger unknown #mystic messenger ray #cheritz #otome game

[beansnobeef]

Nacho Cheese Doritos Loco Taco Review

At this point, a doritos loco is a “crazy little golden thing” in Spanish and it’s getting weird. I actually have had a couple of these over a few years and I’m always a little underwhelmed. Like the Mac and Cheetos over at burger king, the flavor profile here just doesn’t seem to be strong enough and mostly this is just a taco that gets your fingers all dirty and is kind of a hassle to eat. It is a little bit (nacho) cheesier, but only if you get the chip on your tongue first as the flavor is lost in the beans and tomatoes and sour cream.

It’s not the worst thing in the world, though. It’s definitely something I think everyone should try once, even vegetarian style. I’ll probably eat more in the future.

Speaking of crazy, here’s a cool lil heads up cuz I’m about to talk about abuse for a hot minute. Specifically dredging up some shit outta my life.  

By the time I was twelve years old, my mother had committed me to the mental hospital twice, taken me to numerous psychiatrists, put me in a group home, and had me prescribed Paxil. At some point just after I got in some real trouble at the group home (honestly it’s a pretty funny story that’s not really relevant here) she finally carted me off to live with my grandmother in Montana. Grandma, bless her heart, is an old hippy and she promptly took me off Paxil (and thank goodness, since the drug was later found to increase suicidality in children) and found a cool alternative education program for me to be in, with a tutor during the summer.

I kind of settled into, you know, actually being a kid. I played many video games, I learned how to work emulation on a computer (and later how to work emulation without getting a bunch of malware), I read a bunch, I made friends, I learned how to play Magic, all kinds of stuff. I didn’t speculate much on the source of all my issues previous with my mother but I didn’t feel as crazy as she had insisted I was, and I was thriving more than well enough with my spoily-ass grandma. Just under a year rolled around and one day I’m getting off the bus from school and who shows up at the bus exit? My mother. It was terrifying. One of the most frightening things I’ve had to go through. She carted me over to a rented SUV where she said some mean stuff and insisted that I go live with her again.

What happened next is ridiculous and absurd. I knew I was deeply unhappy living with my mom and I couldn’t handle having to return to that situation, so lil chubby twelve year old me opens that door and bolts out the car and runs right into my grandmother’s home. I’m crying and upset and I insist that I don’t want to go back to living with her. My grandmother and my aunt stood firm by my decision. I don’t really know why (I suppose I should ask them, but I don’t know how much I want to dredge up old feelings) they chose to support me when I refused to go back, but support me they did.

Child Protective Services got involved for the second time in my life, this time initiated by my mother rather than by my school nurse. They dutifully interviewed everyone involved, while my mom spent a bunch of time and money staying at a nearby motel with my stepdad. Within three weeks, they reached a decision. I was to return to my mother and my family was not to intervene. They gave me a few days to get my stuff together and my family held an early birthday dinner as a goodbye at my favorite pizza place with my best friend from school. Early the next morning a cop showed up outside my grandma’s house with my cps caseworker to take me to the airport and return me to my mother. I remember my caseworker bought me a bagel as we waited for the flight.

When I got to my mother’s house, the first thing she did was tie my hands up. She told me she had bought a pair of handcuffs and this was what she would do if I ever laid hands on her, which even at the time I thought was pretty weird because I had never laid hands on her. The next thing she did was go through my stuff. I was a weird kid and I had been really into Dave Barry at the time. Yes, the milquetoast comedy writer for the Miami Herald. I thought he was funny, and I had brought a few books of his with me. I was real into Dilbert, too. Anyway my mom threw all of those books into the trash, b/c they were teaching me sarcasm and misbehavior. She also tore up my picture of my grandmother b/c she was pretty steamed about the whole “having to legally force grandma to give me up” thing. A few days later it was my 13th birthday. We went to blockbuster and I picked out Reign of Fire and we watched it on my stepdad’s fancy home theater stuff and I spilled some soup on the floor and that’s how I was banned forever from eating in the living room.

Anyway I kinda don’t think about this memory very much, it just got dredged up cuz I had a kinda intense acid trip the other day and came out to a bar to support a friend with their own shitty mom issues. I get real adamant on issues of children’s right to self-determination and bodily autonomy and it’s literally just my own shit coming back to haunt me. What if instead of forcing me to live with my abusive-ass mother the system (as it were) actually supported my decision and respected my own ability to figure out that I was in a bad way? Folks, parents especially, scream bloody murder about this shit though. They’re just children, right? Totally incapable of making rational decisions. Don’t know at all what’s best for them, especially know-it-all adolescents.

I still have nightmares that my mother has just come out of nowhere and swooped me up and forced me to live with her again. More often, though, I have deeply uncomfortable dreams that she’s being perfectly civil and we have a perfectly normal and acceptable relationship that isn’t at all built on layers and layers of guilt-tripping and emotional and physical abuse.

You know what’s funny, my mom insisted that I watch Mommie Dearest as a weird psyops effort to convince me that I actually don’t have it that bad and look, this is what a real abusive mother looks like. I mean that’s not funny at all but literally I have to laugh about all this shit cuz the weight of it might crush me still a decade and a half later.

#taco bell #vegetarian #review #dorito loco taco #abuse

[empressdrega27]

do the ship meme u reblogged a little bit ago with you and akh!!

Bless you Nonny~

How did they they meet?

I met Ahk when some people who aren’t very fond of me sent a very special book of mine to another dimension to spite me. I followed my book and wound up in a museum, and after retrieving said book, the museum came to life. Not wanting to be seen by the inhabitants (as i’m a dragon hybrid creature), I jumped to the second floor to escape. Once there, I heard a horrible scream, and I ran towards it to help. I found that the screaming was coming from a sarcophagus, and even though I was afraid of what might be inside, I opened it anyways. The person inside stepped out and revealed themselves to be a gorgeous man with an amazing voice! He asked to meet his rescuer, but I told him I didn’t want to scare him. He insisted, and so I stepped out of the shadows. He smiled at me, introduced himself, and told me that he wasn’t afraid. He then offered me a reward for saving him, and I told him that all I wanted was to be his friend, for finding someone who wasn’t afraid of me is rare. Ahk said, “My friendship is yours, you had it the moment you set me free”, and with that, he became my best friend, and later, so much more~

Who developed romantic feelings first?

Honestly, I’m not sure. I think we developed our feelings at roughly the same time, so it’s hard to say who actually fell first.

Who is their biggest “shipper?”

To be honest, the whole museum knew that we were hardcore crushing on each other, but I think Sacagawea and Attila are the two biggest shippers! Sac is a mother figure of sorts to Ahk, and she was always trying to gently nudge him into confessing to me, and Attila was super impressed with my strength and we became pretty good friends. He tried to tell me that it was obvious that Ahk felt the same way, but as I’m a dense and oblivious idiot when it comes to feelings, I continued to deny Attila’s advice. Jed and Octavius also were big shippers of us, but they weren’t as actively trying to get us together.

When did they have their first kiss and under what circumstances?

Our first kiss happened shortly after we confessed to each other, and it was a moment I’ll never forget. I was so nervous and worried that it was all just a dream and that I’d wake up anytime, alone. Ahk said he felt the same, and he was scared of waking up back in his sarcophagus. We laughed a bit and he scooted closer to me and said, “You are so beautiful, Elizabeth”. And he kissed me! After we pulled apart, I asked if we could kiss again, and we did~

Who confessed their feelings first?

We confessed in a weird way. The entire start of our relationship was weird tbh. I’d been falling into a depression relapse and my dumb brain had been telling me that Ahk would never feel the same way about me as I did for him. I tried to talk my feelings out with Attila and the Huns, but eventually, I broke down. I was crying and pacing and basically screaming at myself saying, “Look at me!! I’m a monster! I’m hideous! Ahkmenrah is perfect, how could he ever love something like me?!” At that, Ahk comes out of the shadows, “You’re wrong”, he says. I jump and try to rub the tears off of my face, and he comes closer. “You’re not hideous. You’re the most exquisite creature I’ve ever known, and you’re no monster. I’ve loved you from the moment you and I retrieved the tablet from Cecil.” I’m shocked, “You…. you love me? You think I’m beautiful?” He nods and leads me to a bench to sit down, where he continues to tell me all the times he tried to confess, only to lose his nerve. He was worried that he was too ordinary to be with me. In the end, we laughed about the whole thing, and afterwards, we had our first kiss~

What was their first official date?

Our first official date was on a Thursday, and it came about when Ahk read about modern dating and asked me what kind of dates I’d been on. I told him that I’d never actually been on a date, and that was when he stood up and said that he was going to take me on one then. We looked for a restaurant that was open, and all we found that was close by was an IHOP. Thus, we went to IHOP for our first date, and it was the best date I’ve ever been on!

How do they feel about double dates/group dates?

We love them! So long as we enjoy the company of the people we’re hanging out with, we absolutely love double dates and group dates!

What do they do in their down time?

On our downtime, we usually either hang out around our house, or we visit our friends. When we stay home, we do any number of things, video games, reading in the library, swimming, and horseback riding are all things we do often~

What was the first meeting of parents as an official couple like?

Meeting Ahk’s parents was terrifying. And (just as I predicted) they hated me. They wanted Ahk to marry an Egyptian woman of royal blood, and they were convinced that I was using Ahk for some nefarious purpose. They finally figured out that I was genuinely devoted to him and now Ahk’s mother thinks of me as her daughter in law. His father on the other hand still doesn’t approve, but he keeps his mouth shut cuz he knows there’s nothing he can do about it. Ahk meeting my mom and my father figures went amazingly though! Everyone loves Ahk, and anyone with a brain can see that he adores me.

What was their first fight over and how did they get past it?

Our first fight came about when Ahk was having really bad nightmares about something, and he wouldn’t tell me what the nightmares were about. That was fine with me, I know how hard it is to talk about really bad dreams, but he started getting really short tempered with me every time I asked what was wrong. Finally, the last straw came when I asked yet again if he was okay, and he lost it. He yelled that I had no idea what it was like to die and that I couldn’t possibly understand how he felt. I was shocked, and as I don’t cope well with people shouting at me, I started crying. I told him that I did know what it was like to die and that all I wanted to do was help him. His tone and demeanor were cold and he roughly explained that his past was far too painful to speak about and that I should leave because he needed to be alone for a while. I managed to choke out a “fine”, before making a brisk exit. It was then that he realized that I was crying and he seemed to realize how much of an ass he was being, cuz a few minutes later, he went looking for me. Unfortunately, I’d been called on a mission and I had to leave the museum, and I wasn’t able to return until 3 days later. Ahk believed I’d left for good and had become despondent. When he knew I hadn’t left for good, he was overjoyed and he apologized for acting the way he did, and I apologized for not only pushing him to talk about something that made him uncomfortable, but also for intentionally continuing with my mission to the point of nearly killing myself from exhaustion. Because that’s what I almost did. We got past it because we were both miserable to the point of wanting to die the entire time we were apart, and that’s a pretty clear indicator that you really, really love someone. Ahk understood that he needed to talk about what was bothering him and I understood that I needed to give him the time to actually be comfortable doing that.

Which one is more easily made jealous?

Me. Ahk is a very attractive man, it’s understandable that people would wanna flirt with him. It’s not the flirting that bothers me, it’s when the people completely disregard that Ahk isn’t single, or say things like “that’s your girlfriend? you can do way better, like me for example”. That’s not to say that Ahk doesn’t get jealous too, but it’s mostly me.

What is their favorite thing to get to eat?

Ahk loves fried stuff, candy, cake, and gelato! I have no clue why Ahk has a taste for fried chicken, funnel cake, and onion rings, but he loves that stuff and I have multiple people who will confirm that watching him demolish a bucket of fried chicken is a sight to behold. As for me, I love sushi, pasta, chocolate, and meat. I have a super fast metabolism, so I need to eat often to keep up my energy, and starchy carb filled, fatty, big meals are perfect for me~

Who’s the cuddly one? What their favorite cuddling position?

That would be Ahk! Not to say I’m not cuddly, but Ahk is always leaping into my arms or hugging me, so we’ll say he’s the really cuddly one. His favorite cuddling position is any position where he can lay his forehead against mine. He’s sappy like that (i am too lmao)

Are they hand holders?

We are indeed! It’s nice to be able to hold your lover’s hand as you’re walking or watching a movie or something.

How long do they wait before sleeping together for the first time? What’s the circumstances?

Eheh, we waited about a month to take our relationship to the next level. It would’ve been less time, but I’m shy and I didn’t think Ahk would be interested in me like that (I was very wrong lmao). We finally got on with it when I got a sudden burst of brazen energy and took my shirt off in front of him.

Who tops?

Depends on who’s in the mood to top, could be either one. Or both in one night~

What’s the worst first they’ve ever gotten into?

I’m gonna assume this is supposed to say fight, and the answer is the fight I mentioned above. It was the first real fight, and also the worst. Namely though, it was the last really big fight, and we’ve done our best to keep it that way. Neither of us wants to relive the horrible way we felt after being separated in that way and for that long.

Who does the shopping and the cooking?

Me and me again. Ahk helps with both, but I’m the one who does it primarily. Ahk is still learning the ins and outs of cooking with a stove, and he’d get way too distracted at the grocery store if he went by himself. I love him, bu his curiosity gets the best of him at times!

Which one is more organized and prone to tidiness?

Ahk is more organized, while I’m more prone to untidiness. Ahk is more mathematically minded, so he’s naturally more organized and methodical. I on the other hand would much rather just wing it and have things be wherever. If i lose something, I can just summon it. Ahk ends up cleaning and tidying things for me anyways though (bless him).

Who proposes?

I think Ahk would beat me too it, but I would have an ornate dagger to propose to him with if I propose first! He’d probably propose to me with a necklace or bracelet rather than a ring.

Do they have joined Bachelor/Bacheloette parties or separate?

Separate, but methinks we’d end up getting bored and we’d sneak away to hang out together~

Who is the best man/maid of honour? Any other groomsmen or bridesmaids?

My maids of honor would be my friends Anisha and Nocta, along with my three best friends, Kid, Wally, and Simon. Ahk’s best man would most likely be Octavius or Nicky, with his groomsmen being Attila, Teddy, and Sacagawea.

Big Ceremony or Small?

We have lots of friends (and we rule a planet) so a big ceremony is a must!

Do they have a honeymoon? If so, where?  

We do indeed have a honeymoon, and we go on a huge world tour, visiting every city we can!

Do they have children? How many?

We can’t have biological children together, but we will adopt! As for how many, I think we’ll adopt one or two and once they grow up, we’ll adopt one or two more, and we’ll keep doing that for as long as we live or until there are no abandoned children left in the world~

#drega writes #Medjay #self insert #f/o #nsfw-ish #for a couple of the questions

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #78

“why are the children all marching into the desert to die?”

list your three favorite scents. lilac, uhhh and then cinnamon and coffee, maybe? how do you ground yourself or recharge? sleep, go online... comfort food? my #1 is definitely ice cream have you ever been on a laptop inside a vehicle? no while on the road, do you play any road games? not anymore are you scared of semi-trucks? especially when you’re driving next to one? AHHHH YES if you have any pets, do you talk to them in a baby voice?  hell yeah! do you like screamo music? i do not. i want to be able to understand the words. like, they can even be in different languages, i don't care, i just want to understand clear words. what is the relationship between you and the person you last kissed? much to my dismay, there isn't one. if you could change your name what would you change it to? zoey, probably. have you ever tried weed?  no, and i have no desire to. how much effort did you put into your last relationship? way, way, way too much. are you a patient person? NOPE. do you have impulse control? DOUBLE NOPE can you use chopsticks? my tremors would never allow it. do you like the smell of gasoline? NO NO NO NO NONONONONO did you ever live in a house with more than one story? nope what’s your favorite fast food place? bojangle's what's your favorite alcoholic drink? i haven't tried many, but the best thing i've had thus far was a watermelon margarita thing. have you ever given yourself a tattoo? no, and i wouldn't. i'm very serious about the professionalism of my tats. do you ever buy your pet(s) birthday or christmas presents? sure do! can you lick your nose?  nope. can you lick your elbow?  nope. would you rather watch a movie in theater or at home?  defs in theaters. do you still own any vhs tapes? do you ever watch them?  no, mom got rid of them all. what hobby have you always wanted to pick up?  hmmm. crafts. have you ever rolled off your bed in your sleep?  no. have you ever had a penpal?  nope. do you put your shirt on or your pants on first?  pants are you afraid of spiders?  only if they are venomous or have extremely long legs in comparison to their bodies. have you ever been stung by a bee?  i haven't. do you enjoy board games?  no. what do you like on your burgers? (cheese, ketchup, mustard..)  cheese, ketchup, mustard, onion pieces, pickles how much water do you drink each day?  none. do you enjoy mario games? not particularly, but with friends, sure. has the last person you kissed met your father? he has. what’s your favorite breed of dog? akita inus, chow chows, beagles... do you swear in front of your parents?  i'm totally open around my dad, but i usually don't say "fuck" around mom. what would you do if you found out you were pregnant to the last person you kissed?  cry and probably become obsessed with the child's well-being, even while in utero. can you make yourself cry? i can't. what do you tend to drink a lot of? milk have you ever woke up crying from a bad dream? yes, and i once woke up screaming. have you ever had to block anyone online? i've been actively using the internet since dial-up, whatcha think? are you scared of ending up alone? i'm legitimately horrified. are your pets asleep right now, if you have any?  i'm not at home, so idk. have you ever done three or more shots in a row? i've never done shots. favorite undersea creature? dolphins i think, but i also really like jellyfish and whales. seahorses, too. describe the darker side to your personality.  more than anything, i can be viciously jealous. i have an interior savagery, but just barely enough control to contain it. what makes a movie really enjoyable for you? creative, whimsical story and artwork, drama, and relatable characters. favorite type of bird? owls. favorite forest animal? deer! do you think you could ever have an abortion if you unexpectedly turned up pregnant right this second? absolutely not. what is your favorite video game console? why?  ps2 has the best games. do you like vanilla candles?  sure do. how many girlfriends/boyfriends have told you they love you? one, i think. juan might have... have you ever smoked a cigarette? no. who did you last share a taxi with? i've never been in one. do you vape? nope. do you enjoy the arctic monkeys?  i like two songs. where’s your favorite place to shop for clothes?  rebel's market. have you ever seen a mountain in person? i have. have you ever explored somewhere abandoned? i have. there's a shack and old house near my house that friends and i explored when i was younger. we got in trouble lol. have you ever found a four-leaf clover? i discovered a patch of four-leaf clovers the day after my dad left... (: would you rather live in a coastal town or a town closer to the forest? ohhh. can it be in the forest? are you lazy? i am, honestly. regularly burn incense? i used to. i need more sticks... who was your high school crush? i had a few. i was kinda interested in a guy named kyle, i really liked this boy sebastian, but my biggest crush was jason. are you cpr certified? no. who accompanied you to your first concert? mom, nicole, and jason. do you and your friends listen to similar music? depends on the friend. my best friend, no. do you believe in the idea of taking from the rich and giving to the poor? why or why not? no, because who says the rich don't deserve what they've accumulated? do you believe that animals are capable of “human” emotion? why not? it's very obvious that they feel emotion; now are their emotions the same as how we humans feel it, maybe not, but they obviously feel. who do you consider “family?” my mom, dad, ashley, nicole, katie, bobby, misty, a few aunts and uncles and uncles, colleen, chelsea, bradley, and despite having no relationship with him, jason will always be my family. could you sacrifice yourself for someone you barely knew? honestly, no. does the thought of having children scare you? horrifies me. i'd prefer to never imagine pushing a seven-pound human being out of my fucking vagina. xbox or playstation? playstation! have you ever asked someone out? i kinda-sorta initiated the asking out with aaron, but not exactly? when do you want to get married? i see 23 as an ideal marrying age, but there's literally no way that'll happen with me unless j comes back. did you like your middle school life? ACTUALLY fuck that. that's when my anxiety and depression started, and it was just... awkward and uncomfortable. have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? yes and no... maybe. like, with jason, i thought to myself, "wow, he's really weird" when i met him, but at the same time, i found myself thinking, "this guy's gonna mean something." what’s your favorite zoo animal? meerkats, on the rare occasion they have them. do you have any plans for tomorrow? skating! :D what’s your favorite part about the fall? the colorful foliage, omg! which scooby-doo character are you most like (scooby, shaggy, daphne, fred, velma, the monster, scrappy?) probably scooby or shaggy. what “group” did you belong to in high school? i resonated/made friends with mostly the goths, emos, metalheads... describe your favorite pair of pj’s. a black pair of pajama pants with a design of harley quinn holding two guns sitting on her knees with "hey, puddin'" written beneath her. i usually wore them when i wanted j's dick honestly lmao. i still wear them tho honestly just 'cuz they're comfortable. if you could have any job in the world, which one would you want? meerkat biologist OR a member of the mythical crew how did you learn to ride a bicycle? my dad taught me. (: have you ever been to a sports game? hockey, yes. have you seen all the shrek movies? no and i cry every night because of it. have you ever finished a whole video game? of course do you know anyone with a pet snake? currently, i don't believe so. your parents split; would you want to live with your mom or dad? they did split, and i live(d) with my mom. how does it make you feel looking at pics with your ex and someone else? i've seen one picture of him with his current girlfriend, and i legitimately wanted to murder the bitch. no exaggeration. have you ever slept in the same bed as your friend? multiple times. what is on your bed right now? well, my own bed is in storage right now to my understanding, but the bed i'm using at colleen's currently just had pillows and blankets. are you someone’s best friend? i am! :D what do you think of when you think of australia? my friend shaylee ever ridden on a roller coaster? no, too scared. what is your birthstone? amethyst is anyone jealous of you? literally no reason to ever be. do any of your friends have children? not any close friends how did you get one of your scars? i scratched the fuck out of my leg. it was overly itchy. honestly, what is your point of a view of a friend who goes for their friend’s exes? consult your friend about it. when was the last time you laughed so hard you couldn’t breathe? when playing "cards against humanity" with colleen, chelsea, and bradley would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? zoo! do you sleep with a night light? no. do you bite your toenails? nope. what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime? overall, i feel most connected to otep's lyrics. have you ever gone to the person you like’s best friend to help you out? no. who is the most blunt person that you know? colleen do you think you will be going to sleep soon? i might take a nap. what nervous habits do you have? my eyes dart, i play with/knead my hands, avoid eye contact, etc. when was the last time you were hit on by someone? i'm not sure. what is your ringtones on your cellular? "telescope" by starset do you wear makeup? rarely. do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? nope. what is your pet’s name? the only pet i personally "own" is teddy, a beagle-cocker spaniel mix. do you have any siblings? do you get along? my two immediate siblings are ashley and nicole. what is your favorite color? maroon. what color are your eyes? blue do you like your parents? i love them. how long does it take you to shower? like 8 minutes. is the last person you kissed older than you? by two years name everyone you kissed this year: no one is it awkward when you run into your ex’s? i've never "run into" him. i've seen him once, but it wasn't awkward honestly. have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed? probably hundreds of times... do you change your phone background a lot? nope. think back to your last relationship. was it worth it? yes, it was. has anyone seen you in your underwear, other than mom? yep. do you hate being the first person to start a conversation? sure do. if you had to live off one type of fruit, which would you pick? strawberries what do you usually order from olive garden? spicy shrimp fritas. fucking perfection. how do you like your steak cooked? well done do you know anyone who self-harms? i know people who have, but i certainly hope they still don't. do you have any siblings? what are their names, age, and grade they are in? doing immediate siblings only. ashley: she's 24, i think, and she's graduated. nicole: she's 18 and is a freshman in college. do you know a schizophrenic person? yes. my own half-sister tiffany is a schizophrenic. do you own many pairs of shorts? i don't have any. is there a certain song you like to headbang to?  surprisingly, i don't headbang. is there a band/artist who has strange lyrics but you love them anyway?  rammstein's lyrics are rather different imo did you love playing hide and seek as a kid?  i really did! do you have a favorite font on the computer?  garamond, i assume. have you ever been severely burned?  nope. did you ever dream that you had a baby?  multiple times. what was the weirdest thing you ever saw cross the road?  hm, not sure... do you try clothes on before you buy them? i avoid that shit like the plague, but i guess if i have to. by society's standards, are you attractive? probably not, idk? mostly because i'm fat, so. i do have clear skin though? would you let your kid smoke weed? if i found my child smoking weed, that would probably be the closest i'd ever get to beating their fucking ass, to be frank about it. are you mentally stable? "no" should be the obvious answer. do you think marijuana is safer than alcohol? in some ways, sure. what do you hear right now? "the dope show" by marilyn manson, chelsea talking in her room... have you ever been in an abusive relationship? no. what color is your favorite bra? it's mostly baby pink, but has a black, swirly design on it. which would you rather have, a new puppy or kitten? i'd actually quite enjoy a kitten right now. if you could have one power, what would it be? shape-shifting. would you ever date out of your own race?   yeah. do you still watch movies intended for children?   every now and again. who is your favorite stand-up comedian?   john pinette. what is your strangest phobia?   whale sharks. what is the most pointless movie that you have ever seen?   "the purge."  just the concept of it was so stupid.  i mean, the film was okay, but still pointless. have you ever kissed someone of the same gender as you?   romantically, no. when a bee is coming close to you, do you stand still or run away?   depends on the kind of bee.  ex., wasp, i'm running.  honeybee, it's cool. are you self conscious about wearing a bathing suit?   very, yes. if you had to play one sport for a living, what would it be?   dance. have your parents ever thought you were gay? what happened?   i don't think so, no. what’s the best thing to eat for breakfast?   pancakes are your parents more liberal or conservative?   conservative, mostly, with some liberal views. when was the last time you saw your best friend?   this morning.  i am currently living with her; she's at work atm. how many jobs have you ever had? (including things like babysitting)   two. do you have family meals when it’s someones birthday?   we go out to eat somewhere nice-ish. are you comfortable talking to both your parents about sex and boys?   mom, sure, but i would never discuss sex with dad. have you ever wanted to be a teacher?   not at all. what do you think is overrated?   i don't really call things "overrated."  well-liked things are liked for a reason. what is underrated?   the band otep.  they should really be better known. can spiders jump?   yes, they can. there was a sculpture that was supposed to be displayed for a week in the rockefeller center in nyc of a falling woman - designed as a memorial to those who jumped or fell to their death from the world trade center. it was complained about as grotesque, inappropriate and describe as 'not art.’ what do you think?   who says something grotesque cannot be art?  it was absolutely art and carried with it a heavy message.  it shouldn't have been censored by not showing it. has anyone ever mistaken you for a satanist?   with my wardrobe, probably. what did you see today that was beautiful in an ordinary way?   i saw my best friend. are you dyslexic?   no sir. do you agree with the people who say that everyone is bi-sexual even if they don’t want to admit it?   heard that before, and it's bullshit. if you are the only human on the planet of the apes do you have sex with an ape?   ugh, no. do you believe that black people should get money to make up for their previous enslavement?   ... the fuck is this?  no???  look, i am in no way racist or anything, but there is no reason to pay african americans because of past mistreatment?  like, that shit's done and over with? have you ever tried to write poetry or song lyrics?   poetry, yeah. do you like men who have a sensitive side?   it's like.  mandatory for me. dangly earrings, hoop earrings, simple studs, or no earrings at all?   hmmm, studs. would you ever wear black lipstick? do you know anyone who does?   i do sometimes. do you lecture people about drugs?   if one prompts me too, yes. if you could pick the temperature of the outdoors for the rest of your life, what would it be?   like... 49, maybe? who was the last person to call you babe?   probably colleen, potentially juan. do you have family problems?   yes. were you smiling when you woke up this morning?   who the fuck just wakes up smiling? do you like being in pictures?   while it's great to be included, i only really like it if i'm taking the picture, 'cuz i know how to flatter my face. do you sneak out?   at 21, i can't exactly "sneak out," but when i was a teenager, no, i never did. how would you spend a day at the beach?   in the ocean have you ever experienced altitude sickness?   nope. do you ever make a big deal out of nothing?  only constantly. have you ever written anything on a bathroom stall?  nope. are your hands unsteady?   yes, i have an essential tremor. are you scared of moving on?  FUCKING HORRIFIED. when talking on the phone, do you place it against your left or right ear?   right ear are you scared you’ll get a q-tip stuck inside your ear?   nope. do you use index cards to help you prepare for tests?   i never did. what’s your favorite flavor of sunflower seeds?   i don't like sunflower seeds. what's currently on your mind?   meh.  i feel... alone and unaccomplished.  i just found out a veeery old friend of mine is moving out with her girlfriend soon, and.  idk.  seeing her grow up like that makes me jealous.  i miss having another half, okay? what’s your favorite hairstyle on a guy?   kill me pls, bc i like emo/scene hair the most ;-; what color is your hairbrush?   hot pink have you ever dated someone with curly hair?   not full-blown curly, no.  very few of j's tips would be curly, but his hair overall was more wavy. how many of the people you’ve kissed have had brown eyes?   one. what’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said to the person you like?   "i love you." are you currently in a “i wouldn’t mind if i lost 50 pounds” kind of mood?   losing 50 pounds would honestly be spectacular. are your parents religious?   yeah. would you like to have twins?   fuck no. if your best friend liked your last ex, what would you do?   oh, i'd tell her off. want to have kids before you’re 30?   it'd be ideal. has someone ever made a promise to you and broke it?   sure has. would you ever date anyone covered in tattoos?   sure. do you feel more comfortable with a male or female doctor/nurse?   female. are you interested in more than one person at the moment?   nope.

#survey #quiz #questions #asks #answered

[mojorising74]

I am a Monster.  Let me tell you why.

So, I have had many people really want to know why I didn’t enjoy The Last Jedi and I’ve held back answering because the film is fresh and I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s experience.  I did post a four word review of the film on Facebook (”That was... not good.”) and I was stunned to discover that this opinion was not a popular one.  Literally stunned.  So stunned I actually began to question my own thoughts on the film.

And taking some time away from the film and considering all the moments in the film I can recall, (I’ve only seen it once) I’ve decided to alter my review.

That was... really not very good.

So, here we go. I’m gonna break this down in the order as it was experienced by me.  I’m not gonna go back and edit this, so I apologize for typos. But I really don’t want to spend any more time on this then I have to.  This feels like my eulogy to Star Wars.  And I don’t want to linger here.

First off, the opening crawl.  This is a weird one, contested by many, except those in the theater with me.  The crawl was slanted, drifting slightly off to the right of the screen.  It was weirdly noticeable by everyone in my group.  We were slightly off to the left of center in the audience, but measuring the distance at the top of the screen to the scroll on our side vs the distance on the other side made us feel really confident that that the scroll was in fact slanted.  Like, Rian Johnson was putting his own slant on things (I see what he did there).  Or maybe the projector was tilted.  Either way, I missed the entire opening crawl because my brain opted to obsess over this detail.  I’m willing to accept most of the responsibility here, but yeah.  Slanted crawl pulled me out of Star Wars and made me think about how crawls were shot on a plate and how easy it would be to tilt the camera to give it a new cinematic flavor and blah blah blah.  Basically the slanted crawl had no bearing on my overall enjoyment of the film, other than I had retained nothing from the crawl going in and the movie was going to have to stand on it’s own cinematically, with no summary backstory.  

Good or bad, in the interest of full disclosure, I present this fact for your judgement.

Yeah, it’s gonna be that kind of review.

Right off the bat we get the first ESB call back of an evacuation shuttle leaving a planet while the First Order looms in the background.  From the trailers, I’m already expecting an AT-AT walker snow planet battle, so immediately I’m put on the defensive that the film is not gonna learn from criticisms of The Force Awakens and is going to attempt a rehash of “greatest hit” moments from the greatest Star Wars film.  George Lucas referred to this as “poetry” when he recalled certain elements in the prequels, saying “They rhyme.”  The new films seem to be seriously leaning in to this theory, but it feels like fan service rather than nuanced storytelling.

I’m disappointed by this but it is in no way a deal breaker.  Back to the movie.

Poe, by himself with no squadron waiting, decides to face off the First Order’s new weapon (The Dreadnaught) by flying his tiny x-wing to meet them.  We are then subjected to a laurel and hardy routine sponsored by Verizon Wireless, where General Hux is made out to be a total buffoon and completely incompetent.  (People will remember that one of everyone’s favorite part of the prequels was how the robot army was totally incompetent and easily out smarted by our clever heroes.  Or, the opposite of that.)  

But this scene also made me wonder about the intelligence of our hero as well.  He flies out to meet the star destroyers and only then does he decide to charge up his boosters for his daring plan?  “But Carl, he was playing it by ear!”  No, the generals on the resistance ship clearly know what his plan is and disapprove.  So, Poe actively decides to show up for this fight completely unprepared.  But whatever.  That’s a nit pick.  I know that, but these things start to weigh on me.  See, it wasn’t a story element that he needed more time to charge the boosters, it was a purposefully extended scene to stretch out a “can you hear me now” joke at the sake of plausibility. 

Disagree with me?  Think of the scene like this.

Hux gives his speech about how he will not take prisoners (instead of just shooting the guy out of the sky which would have delivered that message so much more succinctly).

Poe says his first line “I’m holding for General Hux.”

Hux looks confused for a moment, but quickly realizes he’s being played. “Blow him out of the sky!”

Cut to: Poe’s ship where his engine charge is ready and he blasts off and away.

All the same story beats with a quick, satisfying laugh that doesn’t stop the story or undermine the competency of the characters involved.

Speaking of competency, that brings up my next note.  Poe is a fucking Mary Sue.  Holy shit.  The next sequence of Poe destroying ALL but one of the cannons recalls one of my least favorite moments in Force Awakens.  That one shot where Finn is watching Poe fly around bulls-eyeing something like NINE tie fighters and several ground troops without even breaking a sweat.  It sets up this ridiculous expectation, that either Poe is that much better than everyone else in either the Resistance or First Order, making everyone else depressingly bad at their jobs, or him impossibly good.  Either way, it’s lazy story telling.  

We’ve seen good pilots in both of the previous trilogies, all of them having force powers to help them fight at elevated levels, but I’ve never felt, watching any of the other films, that one pilot was enough to single handedly sway any battle.  Battles in the previous films always felt epic and sweeping.  Poe feels like an OP video game character.  The kind that inspires patches to reduce his power because he kills the fun of playing the game and takes away the sense of menace from the foes he faces.

So, we’ll skip the next few nit picks; (bombs “falling” in “space”; why are space bombers slow when there is no gravity or atmosphere? Why are bomb bays triggered by a single button garage door opener? Why would you waste bombers on a mission that clearly calls for a missle or.. an unmanned vehicle blasting into hyper space?  We’ll get to that later cuz holy fuck.)

I want to point out that I’m getting nit picky at this point, but watching the film, I have NOT checked out.  Still engaged.  Still excited.  There is some Star Wars shit happening and I am in for the ride!  Woo hoo! Snoke is pissed and is gonna murder the fuck outa that buffoon Hux for letting the Resistance escape into hyper space.

So, the rebels come out of hyperspace and Leia casually mentions that she has a tracking device to help Rey find her way home.  

LITERALLY MOMENTS LATER, the First order leaps out of hyper space and everyone starts screaming “They tracked us some how!”  My brain, which has been literally processing story elements that are fed to me as they are fed to me immediately makes the connection between the First Order tracking the Resistance and the bracelet on Leia’s arm.  Those mother fuckers are tracking that shit, and that means they can also find Rey, which means Rey and Luke are in danger as well.  Hux even says “We have them tied to the end of the line.”  And this is further cemented as what is happening when Snoke suddenly forgives Hux like he’s the best general who ever lived.  Like maybe he just explained to Snoke that they found the tracking signal and he’s about to serve up Luke Motherfucking Skywalker.

Except, that’s not what happened.  What actually happened is that the First order had finally perfected some 50 year old Imperial technology that was briefly mentioned in Rogue One.  Hux didn’t have a clever plan that pleased Snoke.  He had some technology.  Technology that Snoke would have already known about.  Snoke sent Hux back to work like he nailed it, when he should have been like “You fucking idiot, you are the luckiest son of a bitch in the world that you completed that technology cuz we should have finished these guys already.  I’m taking a body part.  Get back to work.”

And the secret space tracker that Leia had?  Didn’t need it.  Finn steals it briefly in a cowardly attempt to save the girl he has a crush on, But other than that, it has almost no bearing on the story.  Rey uses her connection to Kylo to fly back and surrender to him.  The tracker was only used as a plot device to introduce Rose, and to show Finn in a most unheroic light.  Again.  A familiar bell rang many times in The Force Awakens.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves, because the best moment in the movie happened before this and I want to talk about it.

Kylo and the first order have caught the resistance with their pants down and they are fucking shit up.  Kylo cruises in on the lead cruiser, aims at the bridge, and suddenly senses his mother standing there.  Overcome with emotion, Kylo realizes that he can’t kill his mother.  That doing that would mean there is no chance for his redemption.  And he CHOOSES TO SPARE HER LIFE! 

But oh shit, two other fighters are cruising with him and they dont hesitate to fire on the bridge.  There is an explosion and Leia is sucked out into space.

Ladies and gentleman, this was possibly the greatest moment in Star Wars history.  Leia was dead.  Her death had powerful meaning.  In the moment of Kylo’s redemption, he has it stolen away by others.  His path to forgiveness destroyed.  He will never be forgiven by the other characters in the film.  he is doomed to fight as evil because the forces of good will give him no quarter for killing their general.  He is a cursed man.  His guilt will know no bounds.  

I sat there in the cinema, speechless.  Completely destroyed emotionally, openly weeping.  Carrie Fisher leaves the film, her character arc complete, her death a meaningful and truly shocking moment in the film.  Absolutely stunning.

And then she opens her eyes.  And I start crying for a different reason.  She holds out her hand and force pulls herself to safety, ignoring the other heroes on the bridge who were also blown out into space.  She chooses to use her magic powers to save herself and let everyone else die.  

Like a fucking hero.

I was stunned at how terrible this moment plays on screen.  Truly stunned.  Leia had literally just given a speech on how soldiers die heroes but never commanders.  Her first chance to put her money where her mouth is, she ignores her own advice and saves her own skin instead.

This also gave me the stunning revelation that Leia would not be dying in this film, because as bad as Rian Johnson is at Star Wars, he’s not so bad to miraculously save a character only to kill her off later because her epic heroic death is still waiting in the wings.  Knowing that Carrie Fisher had died made me feel like her character would never get the incredible exit from the saga that was just missed in the preceding opportunity.  Princess Leia will die off screen between films.  Or she will be digitally reincarnated.  But neither of those things serve her memory or her character.  The Force Awakens had a lot of missed opportunities, but none of them like this missed moment here.

Meanwhile Rey is trying to convince Luke Skywalker to come back and he insists that he has no intention of ever returning.  WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MAKE A MAP TO WHERE YOU WERE HIDING?  WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING? WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!

While we’re here, Chewie eating Porgs while they gather around him to ponder the deaths of their kin is nothing less than horrifying.  These creatures are sentient and aware they are bing eaten, and instead of running for their lives, they stare sadly at the creature eating them.  These creatures are not long for this world. This is my only note on Porgs.  

They’re... fine.

Also, ghost Yoda can shoot lightning bolts?  Is that something they could always do?  Why the fuck are we fighting a war when theres an army of lightning powered ghost warriors wandering the cosmos.  Hey Ghost Yoda why don’t you make yourself useful and ghost your way into a star destroyer and lightning the fuck out of power core?

Ghost Yoda shooting lightning fundamentally breaks Star Wars.  

Moving on...

Seriously.  We’re just getting started.

Back at the resistance, Finn has decided to sneak off the cruiser with Leia’s bracelet.  Now, remember, at this point in the film, I’m still thinking the bracelet is the way the First Order is tracking the resistance.  The whole “they must be tracking us through hyper space” plot line feels super thin and the only thing holding it to reality is a passing reference in a film that takes place roughly 50 years before this one.  Remember, there is literally no reason, that I as a casual movie goer, should think that the First order has in fact figured out this new tech and are not following this bracelet instead.  Nothing about Snoke’s response or Hux’s response suggest this is the case.

So, I’m thinking, fuck yeah.  Finn has figured this out, and he’s gonna try and lure the First Order away by pretending he’s Princess Leia.  Like a hero.  This is gonna draw the First Order off the Resistance and put Finn in a lot of danger.  Danger that’s gonna get super cool when Rey follows the beacon home and discovers her friend captured by storm troopers!  What a crazy action packed reunion that’s gonna be!

Oh wait.  Finn is sneaking off to lure Rey away from the First Order, so the two of them can be together after the resistance is destroyed, or something.  Like a... hero?  Is this really the conclusions a hero comes to?  I mean, i get it, the movie calls him out on this, but like, didn’t we already do the “Finn is running away” plot line in the last movie?  Didn’t we already resolve that he’s not a coward and willing to fight for what’s right?  He knows Rey won’t be cool with this move.  What the fuck is he doing?  WHAT THE FUCK!

Ok, so, he tells Rose what he was really up to, and she magically understands the quantum mechanics of tracking a ship through hyper space.  Finn and Rose, the janitor and the repair girl, within moments of being presented with a problem come up with the most far fetched solution that could possibly be, WHILE IGNORING THE MOST OBVIOUS PROBLEM IN THEIR HANDS (I mean honestly, even if someone had briefly looked at the tracker and said “What about this”, followed by a quick explanation and I could move on, but in the 2 1/2 hour run time there just wasn’t enough time to address this obvious plot hole).

So, Finn, Poe and Rose decide to disobey orders and embark on a mission after being told that there is only one man in the galaxy that can hack into a first order star destroyer.  This man, will be identifiable by his flower pendant.  That he always wears.  At all times.  So he can be identifiable.  To people sent to him to hack secret codes.  You know, just in case.  Also he is always at the high stakes gambling tables.  Not eating.  Not reading the paper in his apartment.  He exists in a constant state of high stakes gambling.

Sigh.  Fine.  Let’s go find this guy.

Finn and Rose leave in a shuttle and are immediately identified as a shuttle leaving the ship by the First Order but they are told to ignore the shuttle and to continue chasing the main ships.  This scene is really fucking important for later on in the movie so let me reiterate on this point:  A shuttle left the resistance ships and was immediately tracked and identified by the First Order.  Yeah, you know where I’m going with this, but let’s just leave it here in your fucking brain for a minute, the way it sat in mine for the rest of the movie.

So, now we get a weird story arc for Rose.  Rose hates everyone who lives in this city.  Why? Did she live here?  No.  She was a slave growing up in a mine somewhere else.  But rich people who live in this city built weapons from stuff the slave children mined so fuck this town and everyone in it.

This,’rich people were mean to me so I hate all rich people’ storyline feels like a super weak attempt to make a political statement about classism and suggests that future Star Wars films are going to be about the poor people rising up and defeating the elitists who are literally getting rich off of watching us kill each other.  This is a clumsy metaphor for what’s happening in the world. (It also completely ignores that this city is also home to the sometimes lover of one of our main resistance heroes, so maybe not everyone is so bad?)

But fine.  Clumsy metaphor.  Poor people good, rich people bad.  Got it.

Rose and Finn find the man they are looking for but are immediately arrested and thrown in jail.  The absolute worst jail in movie history.  First off, they are locked up together.  But not only together, with a third person.  A magic person who claims (and actually does) he has the exact skills the duo is looking for.  Skills our characters have been told do not exist outside of the man with a flower on his coat.  

This new man breaks them out of jail with items he snuck in (deus ex incompetence), only to discover that BB-8 has already dispatched the guards and was literally moments away from rescuing them himself.  I point this out because none of the suspension of disbelief required above was necessary to get out of the situation.  The movie just did it.  Inexplicably.  Just crammed in a  moment to waste our time.  

Which I suddenly realize is a recurring theme in the film.  Cramming in moments that have no bearing on the story to fill time.

Fine.  They escape.  But they do not try to reconnect with the guy they saw at the casino.  They instead decide to scrub the mission and head back.  I’m weirdly on board with this because this whole plan was incredibly contrived from the beginning.  Anything to get back to the story at hand.

But this new person they met in jail just keeps forcing himself on them, rescuing them at the last moment from... I’m not sure what.  Going back to terrible jail?  It’s not hard to break out of.  They’ve already decided to leave the planet empty handed so, I’m not really sure what the stakes are for this camel cat chase scene are supposed to be.  Like, it seems to be a crazy desperate escape from being temporarily hindered.  Whatever.  All your friends are dying in the slowest chase scene across the galaxy ever, but this action packed chase scene has almost zero stakes.  Think about where you’re investing your story moments, people.  

Shake it off, there is still a lot of movie to get through, but at this point, the movie is actually working against me.

Ok, so Finn and Rose escape the gambling city, leaving the slave children to be whipped and beaten for their participation in the escape, and all of the camel cats are immediately round up and returned to the stables, to be also whipped and beaten for running away.  (This is proven fact when we revisit the children later on and find them still working in the stables, sweeping straw. If the camel cats were still gone, there would be no need to tend the stables and we already know the slavers are not opposed to beating the children or the camel cats.)

But hey, none of that matters cuz “Game on!”  We have a hacker!  Who claims he can do the thing.  With zero credibility or references.  But by god, this is our only hope.  Cool.  Lets break into a star destroyer.

I wanna pause here to point out there is a storyline happening between Kylo Ren and Rey that is STUNNINGLY good.  Like it’s happening in a different movie.  It’s layered and nuanced and tragic and heartfelt.  Love love everything in this storyline up to the point that Kylo Ren pulls a Homer Simpson trying to murder his omnipotent son, Bart, in that one Tree House of Horror episode just before Bart turns him into a jack in the box. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4T8x7T4Vao

Kylo Ren is moderately more successful then Homer and manages to kill off Snoke by cutting him in half with my favorite move from the Star Wars video game.  And then comes the dance fighting ninja guards who are TERRIBLE at their jobs.  Just terrible.  There’s no other way to explain what happened to human resources.  The outcome of what happened in that room is going to reflect very poorly on the Royal Guard.

But the movie insists I need to watch the Rose Finn stuff so it sends me back to them sneaking onto the star destroyer, where they are immediately identified by an astro mech who spots BB-8.

Moments later they are caught by the First Order, but BB-8 is not captured.  Even though he is with them and was the reason they were caught in the first place.  Somehow, he isn’t captured with them.  the movie suggests it’s because he is hidden under a box, but the Star Mech saw him through the box and the astro mech is present for the capture, but has now apparently forgotten about BB-8.

Sure.  Fine.  Moving on.

Now, I forgot to mention something because during the throne room fight, the movie felt like it was winding down, but I remembered from the trailer that Captain Phasma still hadn’t shown up in the movie and was getting worried that Phasma might be under utilized in this storyline (unless there was some big reveal coming up that totally legitimized her involvement in the film.  Spoiler alert: there isn’t.)

Seriously, why is Phasma in your movies?  Are you trying to make a statement about Boba Fett?  That the only thing a villain needs to become iconic is a cool costume?  Is this a bet you guys made with the original trilogy guys?

So, Phasma shows up, escorts the prisoners to the hangar (not the brig) in order to immediately execute them.  Not interrogate them.  Not hold them prisoner. “But Carl, they knew Finn and Rose would never talk so no need to question them! Also, the hacker already told them everything they wanted to know.”  Ok, first, hacker John only told the First order about the ships sneaking off the spaceship.  Information he was only privy to because he was allowed to be a part of a top secret mission briefing by Poe leading a mutiny against Laura Dern.  And also, master interrogator Kylo Ren is on this ship.  He can mind rape these kids and get all their secrets.  There is NO WAY execution is the next step in the plan. Zero chance.

Hang on.  Hold up.  Let’s talk about Laura Dern who has picked the absolute worst teaching moment that any officer could choose.  The resistance is in tatters.  The main general is in a coma.  Your captains are going down with their ships one at a time.  DON’T BE COY WITH THE DETAILS WHEN DEALING WITH YOUR BEST PILOT!

Also, what the fuck is up with your hair and wardrobe?  Purple hair?  That’s it?  You were like “Space movie lady?  Purple hair, right?” and everyone was like “Sure. That sounds right.” Lazy lazy lazy.....

Whatever.

So, Phasma is gonna execute these fools but KABOOM! and Phasma and her troops disappear.  Finn is surprised by this and decides to make his escape.  But then suddenly out of the smoke comes (wait for it) CAPTAIN PHASMA!

Wha...?  Where did she go?  Did they all run off for a second and then suddenly go “Wait.  Did we kill those guys? Do you guys remember why we came in here?  Fuck.  Lets go back and kill those guys before we leave.  We got the order all mixed up again.”  Just... baffling.  They jettisoned her out of the scene, just so she could reenter the scene dramatically.  Just because the shot of her coming out of the smoke looked cool.  That’s it.

So, now Finn and Phasma fight.  And the backstory between these two characters is thick, and by thick I mean, non-existent.  Nothing feels earned in this battle, including Phasma’s incredibly lack luster “death”.  So, Finn the janitor lucks into victory against the hardened warrior... again.

Man, have we ever seen Finn win a fight in these movies?  Have they been trying to sell us an incompetent hero?  What exactly has Finn done to help the resistance in either of these films?  Is Finn the worst character in Star Wars?  Talk amongst yourself.

But before you do, I want you to consider one thing.  After watching the film, I was pretty vocal about how Finn, Rose and Poe’s plan did absolutely nothing to affect the outcome of the film.  Their adventure was completely pointless.

But I was wrong.  They did cause one thing.  

On the Resistance ships, 30 evacuation shuttles are slipping away, under the assumption that the First Order won’t be able to see the shuttles.  This is a stupid plan, especially since the movie goes out of it’s way to explain that the First Order can ABSOLUTELY track shuttles flying away. (Editor’s note: its been pointed out to me that the shuttles were using cloaking technology, cloaking technology that the First Order had no problem seeing past, simply by possessing the knowledge that it existed.  Lazy lazy lazy...)

But let’s buy into this.  The resistance is escaping, and Finn, Poe and Rose have handed a traitor over to the First Order and directly caused the deaths of 23 of the 30 ships flying away.  Two thirds of the survivors were killed because Finn, Poe and Rose didn’t follow orders.

Now, this is fucking dark.  Holy shit, hubris killed the resistance.

But in the next scene, Poe is leading the goddamn charge against the walkers.

YOU DON’T GET TO DO THAT.  You disobeyed orders that killed off almost 300 of the remaining 400 soldiers.  You are summarily executed.  Not the hero of the final battle.  After Poe and Finn’s bullshit, the entire resistance can fit in the goddamn Millenium Falcon.

These characters are not heroes.

So, lets skip over the nit picky shit (Finn can suddenly fly a ship?  When did he learn?  He’s been in a coma since the last movie and one of the main plotlines of the last movie circled around Finn not being able to fly a ship.  Why drop a battering ram so far away from it’s target?  Why not blast the base from space?)

So, then Luke Skywalker shows up and fools everyone into believing he’s actually there, when he isn’t.  It’s magic and shit.  No one can touch him.  (Except we’ve already established that you can indeed touch him through the void, but Nvmnd).

This scene is annoying for two reasons.  One, it’s lame.  Two, the director went through so many lengths to set this up.  He showed a shot of Rey looking at a drowned x wing, so when Luke shows up magically at the end of the movie, folks are like, “He must’ve force lifted the x-wing out of the water and flown it here.”  It was such an easy head fake explanation that utilized information the audience knew from past movies along with necessary story elements to make something believable.  

There are so many head scratchingly stupid moments in this film, that it absolutely stuns me this much thought went into this sequence. To maintain my suspension of disbelief in this moment, the director offered a single well thought out visual to sell Luke’s silly plan to the audience.

So that tells me that the filmmakers were perfectly capable of taking moments established in previous films and building on them smartly.  They just... didn’t.

It’s like when my teacher would give me lower marks then  the rest of the class, not because my paper was worse, but because I was capable of so much more.  Yeah, it seems unfair, but fuck you.  Life isn’t fair.  You get to direct endless Star Wars movies for the rest of your life.  Try not to piss in my mouth while you do it,

Which brings me to my final example of why this movie completely fails.  Laura Dern decides to save the resistance by launching a ship into hyper space directly into the main star destroyer.

Are you serious?  Has this always been an option?  It literally destroyed the ship with the hyper space tracker.  All of the other ships could have escaped if that first bastard who went down with his ship would have done this.  Every death star could have been destroyed with a single freighter.  Holy shit, we could build a canon that shoots things at light speed and destroy everything.

If this has always been an option, it’s ridiculous that it is only thought of now.

Also, if the First order only has one ship that cant track the resistance ships, why not just everybody scatter into hyper space in every direction?  They can’t follow everybody.  if 10 ships are left, 9 get away.  there are literally dozens of different ways to get out of this situation that even the most inexperienced leader could have sussed out, other than abandoning ship to everyone’s immediate execution. 

Heroes are supposed to be great.  There are no great heroes in The Last Jedi.  

So that’s it.  Not a good movie.  Soup to nuts an utter failure.  On par with the worst of the prequels.  And once everybody has had a little time away from the film, you’ll all agree with me.  Just like you all loved the prequels for a little while, until some sober son of a bitch walked up and pointed out a few failings.  

And then the whole goddamn thing comes tumbling down.