#how to stop thinking it

[furiousgoldfish]

System update #5 (tw self hatred, dealing with a demon alter, distressing stuff, triggered state)

I was telling a story about the origin of my demon alter the last time; and about how devastated I was to find out. It was a bad call getting so upset, because the demon alter figured I was sad and upset because of them, and backed off, and now they're keeping a lot of distance away from me. The worst is that they're actually right, every time I try to lure them to come talk to me, I inevitably get crushed by the weight of the trauma on them, and I can't stay collected, I start crying, they get upset and feel guilty and back off. I don't think I can do it. And the demon doesn't want to do anything that upsets me, so they're staying away for my sake.

I had a completely unrelated event that triggered a lot of trauma, and thankfully my protective alter got involved and made sure I make out of it okay. I'm grateful for it because I would not have made it out on my own, I was trapped in a flashback for weeks, I couldn't do whatever needed to be done until the alter physically forced me. But even afterwards, I was doubting myself, and kept overthinking everything that happened, drawing more and more bizarre conclusions, until I triggeed myself so far back, I went back into a state where I believed I was a demon. I didn't even know that could happen. It was almost unbearable, the thoughts and the shame and the self hatred. I believed in those moments not only that I deserved every bit of the abuse I got, but also that I should be sent back until it kills me. I sat on the floor crying for a while, then I realized I needed to snap out of it, I haven't thought that way about myself for years now, I knew I wasn't a demon. I needed to find my way back to reality.

I tried using logic and listing all of the things I've done that aren't even closely demonic, and it did absolutely nothing, I was numb to any fact or reason, I believed based on how I was treated, that I had to be a demonic creature, toxic and poisonous just by existing. Then I asked the protective alter to try and bring me down from it, and they've told me all of the things that would usually calm me down and it didn't work, I was numb even to the care of my alter. So my protective alter said: 'Maybe you should go hang out with demon since you're both on the same page now'. And I thought, good idea. What's better for a demon, than another demon.

So I went to the demon child, and I said 'Hey, I'm a demon too.'

'You're not a demon', said the demon.

'Well, they told me I was.' I shrugged.

'They shouldn't have told you that.' the demon said.

It's impossible to argue with a child, but it was weird, to see the demon convince me of the same thing I was trying to convince them into. I couldn't do it back to them though, because it would hurt them. So I just talked more, demon to demon.

'What are we going to do now, that we're both demons?' I asked.

'Oh it's okay,' the demon said. 'We get to enjoy all of the murder now.'

That made me laugh.

'But won't everyone be really angry at us?' I asked.

'Yeah, that's the bad part of it. But there's also the carnage.'

I couldn't be upset after that. This child and me, to live up to our demonic nature, we were gonna commit some carnage, yeah. That snapped me right out of it. It was magical thinking, but the kid seemed so serious, so sure that this is what's going on, that on some level, we must be committing some violent crimes so that's why we're demons. We're just sitting here and seriously discussing our violent nature that doesn't exist.

The kid actively needed to make stuff up to offer as proof of demonism, while I felt like just how everyone reacted to me existing and having feelings, was a proof enough. The child was more rational than I was, in that situation. And the truth is, I've still not recovered, I'm still filled with doubt and trying to find my way out of it, because it's hard. If everyone reacts at you like you're a demon, you can't just decide that you're not, and the facts and logic don't help, because other people's reactions feel stronger than the arguments you can bring up yourself. Maybe if I got mad that people reacted in such ways, projecting their own nature on me, then accusing me of it.

I wonder if anyone thought up of a good process to come down from such horrible, spiraling thoughts about oneself. Because factual and logical arguments don't work, you can't approach it from a normal state, you can't just go from zero to eleven to convince someone they're not as evil and monstrous as they believe themselves to be. You have to go up by just one, so they would accept it, and wouldn't dismiss it. If someone believes to be a demon, you can't list to them all of the good things they've done that prove they're a good person. You have to start from the belief that this is in fact, a demon. So you tell them, okay, they're a demon, they're probably enjoying the carnage, but they've also tried to convince someone they're not a demon, so maybe there's a little bit of good in them. Maybe they're a demon with 1 positive trait. That's more believable to a demon, than 'no you're not a demon'. Just going slowly.

Maybe one day they'll use their demon powers to do something good. Maybe you can point it out to them, and tell them that demons could be good, demons could still be loved. Maybe it's supposed to look like a redemption arc. Maybe that's why people love redemption arcs, because they need one, because it helps them come down from self hatred. Maybe it's a road from demon to hero, and after they believe they've changed and fixed themselves, and that they've deserved to be loved now, despite being a demon, maybe the idea that they were never a demon would not feel so foreign and unacceptable anymore. Maybe it would be easier to handle.

I know it wouldn't stop the emotional blow of 'you believing you were a demon was just a cover for the abusers to be able to torture you when you were a child' but I guess first there has to be something to help them take the blow, some support or belief in their own worth. I think I'll try approaching the demon as a second demon from now on, I can be, like a demon friend, or a demon mentor. We can commit some fictional crimes in my head to bond over and then we can be friends.

#alters #osdd #demon alter #relating to demon alter #cptsd #trauma #feeling like you're a demon from being treated as one #how to stop thinking it #distressing content #triggers #only read if you're in a good state to hear about child demonization and aftermath

[lazylittledragon]

can't believe we're all adults being forced into the club penguin level of censorship in 2024

#ramble #if you say unalive in front of me i will personally kill you with my hands #you just can't muffle and censor and hold someone's hand through some things #some things are horrible. and they should be spoken aloud and they should upset you. because they are horrible #the second we started kidzbopifying the world was the end of taking anything seriously i think #i'm not even joking i've spoken to people older than me who won't even say the world sex #this isn't the playground you're not going to get in trouble just let us say the word!!!!!! #how am i supposed to listen to you when you won't even say the thing you're supposed to be talking about #yes this is the fault of the platforms with their censorship rules but the fact that we all just go along with it like it's not dystopian #you do know it doesn't stop with cursing right. people are already having to censor queer terms because they get flagged as inappropriate

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

The math just adds up!

#dungeon meshi #falin touden #marcille donato #farcille #I always loved how chapter 27 ends with them both so bloody and 28 starts with them in the bath. #not just because of how iconic the bathtub moment is but because you know they had to scrap off so much gore first. #I think everyone in the party took a very long and methodical bath but Falin was basically *all* blood*. #Being covered in blood is one of those 'just girly things' that women deserve to stop being shamed about. #I just don't think Chilchuck is progressive enough. He probably made them take a bath first B*/ #Okay jestering aside I want to just highlight - #The magnitude of Marcille's joy at seeing her dearest friend again! Of holding her and sharing her presence in the same room! #Something about this reunion feels like a beautiful dream you are afraid of waking up from...

[burnt-squid]

if we get some kind of reunion between these two in btsv i’ll bawl my eyes out

#i cannot stop thinking about how HOBIE. OF ALL PEOPLE. stood up for someone he met a few hours ago (who was destined to fail in that system) #had miles's back the entirety of the film knowing what was going to happen #punk culture is about standing up for the underdog. it’s about community #it’s about SOLIDARITY #spiderverse #atsv #across the spiderverse #across the spider verse #spiderman across the spiderverse #spiderman: across the spiderverse #hobie brown #hobart brown #miles morales #squid draws #artists on tumblr #edit: added some dimension to miles’s hair

[captainjonnitkessler]

You know I used to think "tumblr's absolute refusal to actually engage with the Trolley Problem in favor of insisting that there must be a third, morally pure option that doesn't require them to make a hard decision and anyone who asks them to make a binary choice is just a short-sighted idiot is really fucking annoying, but I guess it's not actually doing any harm".

Anyway that was before we asked tumblr at large to decide between "guy aiding a genocide but making progress elsewhere" and "guy who would actively and enthusiastically participate in a genocide and would also make everything else much, much worse for everyone elsewhere" and the response was that there must be a third, morally pure option that doesn't require them to make a hard decision and that anyone who asks them to make a binary choice is a short-sighted idiot.

#there is not a third option. it is either trump OR biden #and one of those will be much MUCH worse for palestine #i'm really really sorry that these are the options. i wish they weren't. #but WHAT third option are you trying to take here? what on earth is your proposed outcome #that will actually make things better for palestine? #because letting trump win the election is NOT going to help them #i'm sorry but you need to set aside your feelings and take the option that will lead to less harm to palestine in the long run #you talk such a big game about how people need to be willing to make sacrifices to help palestine #but you yourself aren't even willing to hold your nose and vote to stop things from getting worse? #or did you think 'sacrifice' only meant not getting mcdonalds for a few months? #us politics

[astraystayyh]

They have since left four premature babies to decompose on their beds. They have since kidnapped, stripped, tortured civilians and tried to frame them as Hamas fighters for their propaganda. They have since shot people at refugee camps execution style. They have since targeted academics and poets and directors. They have since killed 86 journalists. Still no ceasefire.

psa: i know that many of us did NOT doubt this for a second, neither did i. this is targeted at the people who educated themselves for the first time about this genocide and discovered the absolute horrific things that Israel is capable of doing to Palestinians, with the unwavering support of its allies.

#i rem clearly that video of the first hospital that was bombed #how israel first denied it and said that it was a failed hamas rocket #then it said it attacked the hospital because hamas was hiding in there #and i rem thinking that this would get every world leader outraged #that they would do everything to stop this genocide #that was too many weeks ago #nothing has changed #this should terrify us all #this could have been us in that hospital #in that house in that refugee camp in that ambulance in that street #nowhere is safe in Palestine #nowhere #free palestine #palestine #free gaza #gaza

[maxgicalgirl]

Being a “Fun Fact !” kind of autistic is all fun and games until you get halfway through sharing an interesting tidbit and realize that it probably wasn’t appropriate to share in polite company and now you have to deal with the consequences :(

#autism #neurodivergent #adhd #fun facts #GOD I’m such an idiot #anyways now a 10 year old is out there looking up swear words online and it’s all my fault :( #I got so excited by the fact that I knew a fun fact #that I didn’t stop to think that maybe not everyone knows that fun fact for a reason :( #it’s like explaining how to successfully bury a body at a book club #or explaining the dangers of Scientology to your sister’s boyfriend the first time you meet him #or debating gay sex positions with your best friend in front of your mom #no matter how much I wish to be a beacon of knowledge in this world #sometimes there are things others just don’t want to know #and consciously that’s valid but the autism ? I does not care

[catshinji]

hmm.

#STOP WITH THE GREENDAY JOKES IVE HAD ENOUGH #internet #old web #old internet #was thinking about how 'lurk more' used to be a common phrase so people would learn forum etiquette before posting #but now.. #the fact that the phrase 'netiquette' has died out entirely says a lot i feel

[clarisse-doodles]

inspired by this post, in which Damian does not know what Vine is

#sorry this was funnier in my head #but after i read that post I COULD NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT #gen z batkids is the most Cursed thing i've read today and i love it #at first i had so many Thoughts about how my brain CANNOT reconcile tim as anything but a 90s kid but then i read that line about damian and #i feel like they'd mess with him sometimes by randomly quoting memes in unison #almost started to overthink how in This Particular Timeline jason might have missed out on this meme because he was Not Alive #but for the purposes of this silly joke i choose to believe dates are irrelevant #that is all thank you #clarisse doodles #batfam #damian wayne #dick grayson #jason todd

[etchif]

#genuinely curious how people feel about this #I do it and I neither care if Im being annoying nor do I think I am #the ppl who followed me for my art are not going to get annoyed at me for showing them my art #though sometimes i get worried for like 1 millisecond if i come across as pushy then i remember this is the art website abd i stop caring #polls #art #can I tag this as that even if there's no actual art in the post #well. it IS about art

[desultory-suggestions]

On this Valentine’s Day please don’t forget about the Palestinian people. Candy is being bought in droves while innocent people are starving. While people are planning romantic dinners for their lovers, Palestinian people are losing their lovers to bombs and snipers. There is no rest for the Palestinian people today. Don’t let them mask what’s really happening behind pink ribbon. Fight for love, find empowerment in your love for others. We will not stop fighting, not for a single day. Palestine will be free.

#suggestions #free palestine #Valentine’s Day #palestine genocide #free Palestinians #I queue posts all year for Valentine’s Day #and this year I’m watching them roll out and I can’t stop thinking about the love that isn’t being extended to Palestinian people today #about how many have lost lovers and children #how many families have been destroyed

[masochistrights]

dom who sticks their fingers down your throat, asks you a question, and laughs when you try to answer

#minors please stop fucking reblogging this i don’t care how funny you think it is

[watchingwisteria]

listen there really was just something about how in the book, snow’s 3-page descent from hesitant lover boy to deluded psychopath happens entirely in his mind. lucy gray gives him no indication whatsoever that she suspects him, that she’s going to leave or betray him. he’s just sitting quietly in the cabin waiting for her to return when that seed of calculated suspicion, which he has needed to survive the capitol, takes a hold of him and chokes the life out of any goodness left inside him. it really drives home your terror as a reader that “oh my god did he kill her? did she escape? what happened to her? why would he even think that?” in a way that when the movie had to adjust for visualization it lost some of that holy shit this guy has lost it emphasis.

#seeing some discourse and im not saying lucy grey didnt know #im saying she never dropped the kind of hints that she knew like she did in the movie #or if she did snow isnt worried about them until he very suddenly is consumed by them #snow is not concerned about whether or not she believed him. of course she did! hes snow! #but then shes gone…. for a while…… #and its the sudden immediate drastic unravelling that comes across so clearly in the book #that i knew wouldn’t translate to screen yet still cant help but miss #the hunger games #coriolanus snow #tbosas #lucy gray baird #not a crime or anything just a note that i cannot stop thinking about #the ballad of songbirds and snakes #this is all from memory of reading it quite a while ago. so maybe 3 pages is an exaggeration #but i remember it happening VERY quickly and without much external cause #like we as the reader have no indication as to whether shes nearby or not. #snow has no idea either. he just SUSPECTS. and his suspicion breeds the hatred that has been bubbling inside him all this time #he hates how she undoes him. he hates that he WOULD run away with her if shed let him keep his secrets #and he HATES more than anything that she makes him WANT to tell his secrets #he wants to be vulnerable and reveal the ugly nasty parts about himself and still be loved #but he does not let himself and it is everyone’s downfall #he chooses cruelty bc it is easy and familiar and makes him feel more powerful than the vulnerable give and take that real love requires

[hansoeii]

you'll make it back.

#WHAT WAS LOKI GOING TO SAY??????? #these two will be the death of me and I can't believe that first episode gave me everything ive ever wanted #I'm back in the lokius trenches #can't stop thinking about how connected they are through their timelines #how they're each others glorious purpose #and how mobius was ready to sacrifice himself for loki #and all that in just one episode #UGH #loki #loki season 2 #loki spoilers #loki s2 spoilers #lokius #lokius fanart #loki fanart #loki season 2 fanart #loki and mobius #my art #fanart

[the-phantom-peach]

skyward sword… yeah <3

Crimson Loftwing

↻ ◁ || ▷ ↺

#exploding the entire Skyward Sword ost with my mind #thinking a lot about SS lately #I could fill your dash with how much art I make of this game I’m so so obsessed with it #I did some character design stuff and misc doodles for funsies so I post here #feels so nice to make art for a game I loved so much as a kid #still top 3 loz games idc #I hope younger me is happy haha #okay please stop rambling #the legend of zelda #legend of zelda #skyward sword #tloz #loz #loz ss #skord #ss link #ss zelda #ss zelink #link #zelda #zelink #groose #fi #fledge #pipit #zelda art #nintendo #art #artists on tumblr #my art

[mawguai]

I want to go back and talk to you

#pokemon kieran #furret #kieran #rival kieran #pokemon #pokemon dlc #pokemon sv #pokemon scarlet and violet #pokemon scarvi #scarlet and violet #pokemon scarlet violet #pokemon indigo disk #pokemon teal mask #the bg got hands oml... #i won't tag the bg pokemon but have fun looking at them! #i wanted this to be at the kitakami bus stop #silly thing but i found a shiny spinarak there while i was waiting for it to turn day so i could get reference photos #i think it's funny how im so used to kierans new hairstyle now #i def thought it was bad at first but i kindaaa like it now #now that everything is said and done im really happy with how they did him #seeing him in the epilogue made me so happy that he was well #my art