#i also wanted to get a doctors appointment per video but had some issues so i gotta wait another day to even think abt getting tested | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

songofsaraneth · 3 years

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an incomplete list of the Bullshit ive gone through this year (2021 only), for personal edification:

I am in grad school trying to do research as well as TA a lab class during a global pandemic

My car is broken into in late February outside of my apartment. $1700+ of my backpacking/camping gear and personal items were stolen from it. Ironically they did not find the $20 cash I had.

Car battery begins mysterious dying if left overnight and have to call for rescue from AAA 4 separate times over the course of March. I suspect it is related to being broken into but can’t prove it without a mechanic’s diagnostics.

First mechanic I bring my car to does nothing for the entire MONTH they have it, except break my air conditioning of all things. I live in a desert. It is now 90º every day. At one point they call me to say they can’t get the back doors to open. I walk 2 miles back to them from campus and demonstrate how the automatic doors work on a 2005 minivan. I begin to have regrets about my mechanic choice but the sunk fallacy cost keeps me there for several weeks.

Mid march I also wake up one day to severe jaw pain/a weird “loose” feeling, like my mouth is slanting sideways. It is midterms and I do not have time for this, so I take a lot of ibuprofen and eat soup for a week. After 3 days I shove pillows and blankets around my face one night to keep my jaw aligned and when I wake up the next morning it is severely tight instead of loose, and I have to carefully stretch it open whenever I leave my mouth closed for more than an hour. I guess I just have TMJ now.

At this point I am walking everywhere until bike supplies arrive to fix my flat tire since the bike store is too far away to walk to; including walking back and forth to campus since I can only bring 2-4 out of 8 students into the lab spaces at a time and so effectively have to run each weekly lab 2-4 times per week; as well as going back and forth for greenhouse experiment monitoring/helping undergrads on our NASA contest project

Early April I go to the dentist for a crown on one of my back molars, which I must pay for out of pocket because my new dental insurance purchased when I moved last September has a 1-year waiting period and so will not cover it ($1200). Stretching my jaw open so far for the procedure reignites my new TMJ back to high pain levels.

While still waiting on car in mid-April I have a severe averse reaction to the second dose of the Covid19 vaccine, resulting in painful ulceration of all the soft tissues in my body (mouth, stomach, genitals). It is a very bad time for 3 days and I book an urgent care appointment for the first time ever.

Urgent Care nurse-practitioner does not believe me when I describe what’s happening, and misdiagnoses me with herpes.

I am still biking everywhere but now I’m extra mad and in pain about it so take car back from mechanic so I can get groceries etc. I make an appointment with the dealership but it will be a week until they can take it. In the meanwhile I have to drive it every 8 hours so it won’t die which means getting up at 2am to drive it for 20 minutes in the middle of the night so it will still turn on in the morning.

I have a terrible reaction to the numbing cream given to me for the painful open sores over my body, because of a lifelong mint sensitivity, resulting in an even greater amount of pain

The dealership can fix my car over the following week but its $1800 and now insurance isn’t sure they want to cover it after all

Herpes test comes back negative and nurse apologizes profusely and recommends a non-mint OTC numbing cream alternative that works (yay) and a numbing spray that does not work because it turned out to use an alcohol based propellant which should not be combined with open wounds esp on the genitals (ouch ouch ouch). I try to tell the nurse why I was right about my diagnosis and she was wrong but she still believes it was a latent virus of some other variety and and not an immune response alone, despite the published case studies I have brought to back me up. I decide I have bigger hills I need to die on right now and stop arguing. Sores persist into May but eventually do go down and numbing cream keeps me moderately functioning.

Car is fixed and I can drive again but it takes 2 hours of crying on the phone to my insurance company for them to agree to cover the cost of repair

I make a primary care appointment for the first time in years so I can have a doctor in this state if something like this happens to me again, in June I do intake/bloodwork/set up appointments to check out some other issues ive been having

Grad school finals happen which i wont get into but Yeah. Finals stress triggers another outbreak of canker sores, but mostly clustered in my mouth and only 2 on my vulva rather than 8-12. I eat only soup for another week.

I get a referral to the local mental health clinic and call about setting up an appointment for an ADHD evaluation. They tell me to download and send in some paperwork and they will call when they have available appointments

I am supposed to be doing all my labwork over the summer but the committee member I need escapes my clutches and we don’t manage to set up a meeting to plan it out/for him to explain the protocols until late June

Bloodwork shows I am critically low in vitamin b12 and low in D, which may explain some of why I am so tired all the time

Ultrasound shows a 1.8cm mass in the adnexa near my left ovary. There are several options for what it can be (folicular cyst, other kind of cyst, tumor, ectopic pregnancy i nearly laugh at my Dr and reassure her the last one is not possible if nothing else). It may go away on its own or it may not. Follow up scan in 2 months

I remember I was supposed to email forms to the mental health clinic and finally send those in mid July. It seems cruel to make me be the one to remember this considering I am calling about a formal ADHD diagnosis.

I also finally pin everyone relating to my labwork down and have a follow up meeting + make a list of what we need to order, but the staff who place orders are on vacation and when they get back several reagents are backordered

I have my follow-up ultrasound. The tech takes lots of photos which indicates the mass is still present, but I won’t know any details until my next PCP appointment when they send over the analysis to her in mid-August

Beginning of August the reagents I need for the first steps of the process arrive exactly 1 day before I leave town for a wedding and the lab manager is about to leave town for the entire next week

After the wedding, severe thunderstorms and tornados trap me in Chicago for 4 extra days. I spend a lot of time at the airport or on my way between the airport and my parents house. A facebook friend gets video of the funnel clouds which at least gives me something to sadly email my advisor and committee members when I have to join our planning meeting from my gate at O’Hare

I lose my drivers license at the security checkpoint on my last trip through the airport and don’t realize until I am boarding the plane because of course that is happening to me now

On the shuttle from El Paso back to Las Cruces after this ordeal the driver stops and picks up a box labeled HUMAN BLOOD and puts it in the trunk and i am too tired to care anymore

I stay up all night making the world’s most pitiful r graphs for my meeting the next morning and everyone takes pity on me and does not call out how useless they are

I spend the weekend trying to motivate myself to actually go into the lab and start my procedures, and fail to leave my apartment. This reminds me it has now been a month (Aug 15th) since I sent in my paperwork and the mental health clinic has still not called me back about up an appointment

I get overwhelmed with Everything and make this list

So that’s where I’m at at the moment. And this doesn’t even include anything from 2020 thats just been continuous like, y’know, a global pandemic and having a bad breakup of a 4 year relationship and moving to a new city where I know no one for grad school etc. I feel like I’m falling apart/unable to do all the shit I need to right now but you know what? Actually its been a really bad time and maybe falling apart a little is justified ;_;

#ramblings #wharglbargle #like Damn its been a Time and i need to cry about it i guess #negativity //

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hakutaichou · 3 years

Text

[CN] Main Story: Chapter 37 (Gavin Route)

⚠️ SPOILER AHEAD ⚠️

🚨 Warning: This post contains REALLY BIG spoiler from main story which some of them have not been released in JP, TW, Global, nor ASEAN servers. 🚨

A/N: “All Love Interest ANGST Route” takes place between Chapter 37-4 and Chapter 37-5.

Before read, please prepare a tissue and your HEART!!!

- Part 1 -

Northern Suburbs, temporary base for STF.

Days of natural disasters have raised the disaster prevention alert of Loveland City by several levels.

In order to deal with the doomsday, all countries in the world have established doomsday rescue operations headquarters, and jointly formulated a number of rescue policies.

The last issue of "Miracle Finder" is to record the scenes of these soldiers fighting against disasters in the doomsday.

The car stopped at the base station gate, and I got out of the car with camera crew.

In the empty wilderness, several special officers in white uniforms patrolled the surrounding area.

According to the forecast, a tornado is about to hit Loveland City, and the STF troops will be here to stop the crisis.

Minor: Brother, where did your commander go?

STF Officer : Commander is very busy, and has no time to see you.

Minor: Hey, we are...

MC: Hello, we have made an appointment for an interview, can you let us in?

The officer looked suspiciously at the press card hanging around my neck.

STF Officer: You are waiting here, I will confirm it.

Eli: She doesn't need to make an appointment.

STF Officer: Captain Eli!

Eli walked leisurely with his hands in his pockets, and nodded at me.

Eli: MC, long time no see.

He looked at the serious-faced officer again.

Eli: Do you know who she is?

The officer looked at me and then at Eli, with a suddenly realized expression.

STF Officer: Eh, she is Commander's...

I slapped awkwardly, blocked the officer's unfinished words first.

MC: If it is not convenient, let's go back first.

Eli: There is nothing inconvenient. By the way, do you need me to help you call Gavin?

MC: No need! I don't want to interfere with your actions.

Eli: Then don't bother, you are free.

Eli: However, according to forecasts, there will be less than five minutes before the tornado enters the area of the city.

Eli: You'd better shoot near here, don't get close to the edges of those wind barriers.

MC: I understand!

Eli's remarks made everyone start scrambling to set up shooting equipment.

The wind became louder and louder, and a large funnel-shaped cloud soon appeared on the horizon, so gloomy that almost covered the entire sky.

Minor: I heard that the central wind speed of a tornado can reach 200 meters per second, which means that it will blow us away with people and machines in five minutes...

Willow: Close your crow's mouth.

Minor: Hey, I haven't finished speaking yet. With Bro Gavin, there is nothing to worry about.

The film crew quickly set up the machine, ready to start filming the entire process of STF team repelling the tornado.

After a while, the circular wind barrier erected all around shook violently, the surrounding trees were rustling.

A thick black shadow appeared at the end of the horizon, hurriedly approaching here.

The tornado is coming.

Photographer: Producer, the wind and sand are too big, it is difficult for us to get close to shooting!

MC: Let me find a way.

I thought for a while and took out the portable DV machine from my bag.

Just now Eli has divided the safety range for us. As long as we do not exceed that range for shooting, there should be no problem.

The violent wind that came in on the verge of blowing in the gap made the gap bigger, many of the team members who were in the front were injured.

STF Officer: The wind is too strong, we can't approach from the inner wall!

Anxious shouts from the STF members came from afar, and everyone present couldn't help but grab their hearts.

A calm and cold voice came from the communicator.

Gavin: I will go.

It's Gavin.

I resisted the urge to scream, my eyes and the camera stared at the distant sky unblinkingly.

The shifted wind barrier was quickly pushed back to its original position by another strong wind, and returned to the array.

The wind weakened, the tornado gradually deviated from its path.

Everyone waited nervously, and a few minutes later, the shadow of the tornado disappeared without a trace on the horizon.

Photographer: Amazing!!

MC: Gavin, you are so handsome!

Several injured officers were quickly taken away by the resident doctor, and I nervously searched for Gavin on the court.

From a distance, I saw a familiar figure approaching me.

My eyes lit up, and I ran towards him without hesitation.

MC: Are you okay? Isn't it hurt?

A look of helplessness passed across Gavin's face, he stretched out his hand, help me straighten my hair.

MC: What you looked like just now...

"Gavin, you are so handsome!"

At some point, my hand accidentally pressed the play button of the video just recorded, and the sigh was recorded verbatim into the screen.

MC: …When editing, this sentence will be deleted.

A smile finally appeared on his stern face.

Gavin: Wait here, I’ll come to you later.

- Part 2 -

STF Officer A: When Commander was still tasked as B-7, we have heard his rumors.

STF Officer A: Whether it is natural or man-made disasters these days, we can survive it, thanks to his judgment and decision-making.

STF Officer B: Yes, everyone was injured in the last rescue. Thanks to Commander, the situation was stabilized and the casualties were avoided.

STF Officer B: …But after returning, he formulated more stringent training plan.

MC: I see...

MC: Is there any moment when Commander makes you feel particularly tender?

The young officer in front of me "umm" for seven full seconds, and finally shook his head.

STF Officer A: More like medical insurance, count it?

Gavin: You seem to be very free.

Gavin stood behind us at some point, his voice cold.

STF Officer A: Commander!

The two STF members who were still babbling a while ago immediately stood up, saluted to Gavin together.

MC: .....

I turned around with a guilty conscience and looked at Gavin in front of me. When I looked down, I noticed that his wrist under his cuff was wrapped in gauze several times.

He just left temporarily, so he should simply treat the wound.

The crowd scattered like birds and beasts, soon only I and Gavin were left.

Gavin: What happened just now?

MC: Well... I just want to interview STF's recent work routine.

Gavin: I'm not asking about that. Your actions just now were dangerous.

MC: I said hello to Eli, and confirmed that I was in the safe zone!

I vowed to raise my hand, swear in my ear. Gavin's serious expression finally eased a little.

Looking at Gavin, I remembered all the rumors I had heard from the officers, their respectful and scared look, I couldn't help but laugh.

Gavin: What are you laughing at?

MC: Nothing, I was thinking about the last issue of "Miracle Finder", would you like to give a personal interview as Commander...

MC: But I'm just kidding, if it bother you, forget it.

Gavin: It's not bother.

His gaze moved down, and he scanned the line of drafted titles on the open page of the notebook in my hand.

Gavin: "The Commander's outside and inside". Do you want to know the outside, or the inside?

I smiled awkwardly, and the corners of Gavin's lips raised slightly.

Minor: Bro Gavin! Are you OK!

A noisy voice came from behind, Gavin glanced back and frowned quickly.

I don't know when Minor ran over, but he was dragged out by Willow before he finished speaking.

After both of them left, the surrounding area became quiet again.

Gavin: It's too noisy here. Let's change place.

I nodded and walked out of the base with Gavin.

***

A whistling wind came from the sinkhole in the distance, and a shallow layer of rain accumulated on the ground, reflecting the clear night sky and a little bit of starlight.

I followed the arched ridge all the way forward and photographed the traces of the tornado, asking Gavin one after another.

MC: I listened to Eli...

MC: NW put all its forces into establishing an airtight underground base, and didn't join your joint rescue...

Gavin: They aren't upside down.

Gavin: As long as that day doesn't come, STF won't give up protecting everyone here.

His tone is very flat, but it makes people feel extremely reliable.

I thought about it, and re-adjusted the DV mode, aiming at Gavin.

MC: Next, I will start an official interview.

Gavin: …Why do you want to give me an interview.

MC: Because you are the Commander of STF, what you say is the most convincing.

This interview is a temporary motive. I was not prepared for the question, so I just asked what I thought.

MC: The first question: What is the most important thing for the commander at the moment?

Gavin: Protect everyone's safety, and prevent disasters from happening.

MC: The second question: The commander felt that in this situation, for every citizens, what is the most important thing?

Gavin: This is varies from person to another.

…This minimalist way of answering questions, it's really Gavin's style.

MC: The third question...

Suddenly, the flapping sound of bird wings interrupted my question, and large swarms of pigeons started to start from deep in the woods.

MC: That is...

Gavin raised his head, looking solemnly at the flock of white pigeons in the sky.

Gavin: The abnormal weather in the past few days has caused the magnetic field in the vicinity to be disordered, and the return route of the pigeons has also been affected.

In the deep night, the pigeon flock wandered anxiously over the woods, flapping its wings constantly, as if calling for the return of their companions.

However, after the tornado struck, many birds were injured or died, and white feathers were scattered everywhere on the ground.

Several faint calls came from the bushes not far away.

Gavin and I approached and found two injured pigeons

One of them was badly injured, and dying; the other was still struggling.

MC: Will they die?

Gavin didn't speak, and rescued the two pigeons from the strange orange bushes, with a little blood stained on their messy wings.

It seemed to be frightened, its body trembling, and the warning sound of "cooing" as soon as we approached.

MC: Great, it seems okay!

Gavin: Be careful, don't get hurt by them.

Gavin: This is a wild pigeon that has not been domesticated, and is very wary of humans.

Gavin avoided the beak pecked by the pigeon, picked it up and checked it.

Gavin: No injuries.

The pigeon struggled to escape from his palm.

MC: Do they continue to fly forward?

Gavin made a soft "Mm" sound.

Gavin untwisted the withered grass entangled in its ankles, and another small gust of wind rolled up in his palms, drying its wet wings.

Gavin: If the wings are not wet, the flight home can be easier.

Its eyes rolled steadily, as if understanding the intention of Gavin, obediently gave up the struggle.

Perhaps after waiting too long, the group hovering in the sky gradually moved away, flying behind the invisible gray sky.

MC: Can this pigeon find its friends?

Gavin: Difficult.

MC: I see...

Gavin seemed to notice my loss, and changed his words.

Gavin: But it is not impossible.

Gavin: The migration of pigeon, is actually a story about commitment.

MC: Committed?

Gavin: Fulfill their promise to go back.

Gavin: No matter how far you fly, you will definitely arrive where you want to fly as scheduled.

The pigeon in his palm seemed to sense Gavin's words and tried to wave its wings again.

The small gust of wind gradually increased, escorting this child to the sky.

Soon, it struggling to flap its wings forward, disappearing into the night sky and the end of the stars.

MC: In fact, whether it is them or the wind, they all know their direction.

MC: Even if it takes a long time to walk, even if it will go away, it will not stop.

MC: Is that right?

Gavin didn't speak, but gently held my hand.

At this time, a few STF members came towards us, saluted to Gavin, and solemnly reported the situation of the other bases.

Gavin's face was always calm, as if no matter what kind of danger he encountered, he would not have the slightest panic.

MC: Is there another task?

I couldn't help but whisper to Eli, who was beside me, and he nodded.

Eli: I heard that there was a violent conflict in the city, and the situation is not very optimistic. They have to come to support tonight.

MC: I see... thank you very much.

Eli: Don't worry, Gavin will stay in Loveland City to lead. He is the backbone of all of us.

I'm a little embarrassed to be guessed by Eli.

Eli: But we have to rush to deal with a flood tonight. The disaster is dangerous, so you can't follow.

MC: I know, you guys must come back safely.

The bonfire ignited at the distant base dispelled the darkness, and the constantly rising tongue of fire brightened the night sky red, and occasionally there were a few crisp clashes of wine glasses and laughter.

This temporary celebration and happiness seem extremely precious on such a night.

I involuntarily rubbed my palms tightly, and some hope that the "moment" in that prophecy would come soon.

No matter where I go or what I experience, it would be great if I could reverse the ending.

After the officers reported, Eli stepped forward and said something to Gavin, patted him on the shoulder, and suddenly looked at me again.

Eli: I'll leave first, and meet again later, the young couple get along well.

Eli left after speaking, waved goodbye to me before leaving.

There was a brief silence all around, only cheers from afar broke the silence between us.

MC: Are you leaving now?

Gavin: Mm, we will leave in two hours.

I stepped forward, took his hand gently, and sat down on a rock.

The wind in the wilderness is blowing on the long stretch of grass in the distance, and there is a green smell in the darkness that fluctuates with the night.

MC: Then you need a good rest now.

MC: I wonder if Mr. Commander, who has been busy all day, is willing to agree to my request.

Gavin: Can I take a rest?

I was stunned by him, after a few seconds, I didn't expect Gavin was directly rest on my knee.

Gavin: Thank you for coming.

MC: ...You're welcome.

I opened my mouth again, trying to remedy my stupid answer, but Gavin had already closed my eyes.

For a long time, long and even breathing sounded from my knees.

This land is shrouded in night and cold, but my heart is very bright and warm at this moment.

I gently stroked his finally showing tired eyebrows, my heart soft.

MC: Thank you for the hard work, Gavin.

I hope you can also have a good dream.

- Part 3 -

In the vast expanse of the universe, a swarm of comets quickly fell to the blue planet.

Cities, forests, mountains, rivers and oceans were all engulfed by heat waves and tongues of fire, and vanished in the blink of an eye.

It seems that I am the only one left in the whole world, and the stars gradually shrink, hitting my heart like a burning bullet hitting the bullseye---

I woke up from the nightmare and took a deep breath.

Gavin: Woke up?

MC: I'm sorry... I fell asleep too.

I raised my head, met Gavin's worried eyes.

Gavin: Had a nightmare?

MC: Not a manifest dream, but a sweet dream.

MC: I dreamt that we became super cosmic warriors, saving the world from the brink of destruction.

I cheered up, and made a joke pretending to be relaxed.

Gavin: It seems that dream should be kept longer, it is best not to wake up.

He sighed, and gathered the jacket over me again.

There are footsteps approaching behind him.

When Gavin got up, the officer came over and whispered something to Gavin.

I was stunned, and quickly reacted: He is going to the next temporary base to command the mission.

MC: Are you leaving soon?

Gavin: There are still ten minutes left.

MC: Then I have one last question to interview you.

I turned around, fixedly looked at Gavin.

MC: Before the end, what is your wish?

Gavin: ...My wish?

MC: This is the question I want to ask you, so you can answer me alone.

MC: I have interviewed many people these days, and heard many people’s wishes, but I haven't had a chance to ask your wishes.

MC: I want to know what Gavin's wish is.

Gavin's expression was a little surprised, and he didn't speak for a long time.

Perhaps, this question is too vain and slow, he never put his wishes on unrealistic things.

???: Look, there are meteors!

The cheers of the crowd came from far behind, and Gavin and I raised our heads together.

The sky was passing by a meteor, dragging a bright trail, from loneliness to grandeur.

Under this bright and grand light, everything becomes small and quiet.

MC: Beautiful...

The falling trajectory of the meteor is long and narrow in the night sky.

The ubiquitous light illuminates the mountains and valleys in the distance, the river at the end of the horizon, and the city.

It also illuminates every face looking up on the earth.

Gavin suddenly grabbed my hand, his voice was very soft.

Gavin: When I was seventeen, I did have a wish.

Suddenly a large swarm of snow-white flew across the sky.

The flying dove in the dark night fluttered its wings and dropped a large piece of white feathers, drowning his voice.

I looked up in a different place, saw his star-lit eyes, and wanted to ask him what it was.

He looked at me with a deep retention and sadness. I always felt, that there were many emotions that I didn't understand.

In a second of distraction, I almost blurted out if he knew that I was going to leave.

But I didn't have the courage to speak up to verify this conjecture.

I grabbed his hand and tried to make a smile.

MC: I used to see meteors and could only think of wishing. I didn't expect that one day the meteors would actually destroy the world.

Gavin: Are you scared?

I shook my head.

MC: In fact, as long as I'm by your side, I'm not afraid at all.

Gavin lowered his head and put the kiss on our folded hands.

Gavin: I promise you.

Gavin: I won't leave you, until the last moment.

I heard his heartbeat on his chest, closed my eyes, and silently made a vow to the meteor.

May the world never end.

May he always be by my side.

- Part 4 -

The news broadcast the arrival time of the X1917 comet cluster, as expected, without any change.

As a commander, Gavin became more and more busy, and the occasional time together became exceptionally short.

Today, the STF is holding a major meeting.

Those present were all commanders from various countries' combat headquarters participating in this joint doomsday rescue.

After the meeting, I put down the interview draft and couldn't help but look at the meeting room.

Gavin came out last, and he was talking to a foreign man with a high nose and deep eyes.

The man seemed to notice me waiting on the side, he turned to me, his face stretched.

Foreign Commander: Eh, you are the producer. I have watched your show, Miracle Finder, which is great.

He gave me a thumbs up.

MC: ...Thank you!

I can't fully understand their small talk. I can only vaguely hear the commander's admiration and gratitude to Gavin.

After the conversation, he saluted to Gavin, and then left with his men.

I couldn't wait to walk to Gavin, wanting to open my mouth, but hesitated again.

The news specially told him today, perhaps compared with the important news he comes into contact with every day, is nothing at all.

Gavin: What's wrong?

MC: Gavin, I have good news for you.

MC: After the previous program was broadcast, some citizens contacted us and wanted to send you a loving lunch, medical supplies, and...

I counted the enthusiastic letters I received these days with my fingers. He listened carefully, his lips curled up unconsciously.

Gavin: STF doesn't need these for the time being, but it can be sent to disaster areas with more dangerous conditions.

Gavin: You can figure it out. I'll give you some addresses later.

MC: Okay!

Gavin's gaze flickered slightly, as if he had to say something, the communicator on his waist ticked.

Gavin: ...Wait for me.

MC: It's okay, go ahead.

I cheered up and bid farewell to Gavin, but the loss of separation was still unstoppable in my heart.

I let out a sigh of relief and began to think about how to arrange these supplies.

This time we are, fighting side by side with all mankind.

***

The last day of the countdown.

The days of waiting regretfully finally arrived, but it seemed to be no different from usual.

MC: How is the situation today?

STF Officer A: There were no casualties, and damaged communications and traffic are slowly recovering.

STF Officer B: That's right, Commander was not injured, so Sister-In-Law, don't worry.

MC: ...Okay.

While chatting, I looked around for Gavin's figures.

Soon, a figure dangled from behind the door of the headquarters.

Gavin, who had changed his uniform, walked towards me, the cuffs of the gray jacket were slightly rolled up, revealing a strong wrist.

At the moment when my eyes were facing each other, Gavin had already walked to me, and I was stunned for a second.

I raised my head and looked at him, as if I had guessed something in my heart.

Gavin: Come?

MC: You, there are no tasks today?

Gavin: I took half a day off.

MC: Eh....?

Gavin: I'll accompany you out for a walk.

Behind him, the whistle and the confession sounded one after another, Gavin faintly swept back, and the group of people suddenly made noise again.

MC: Is it really okay? I think it’s good to stay here...

Gavin took my hand and walked out. I turned around a little hesitantly, afraid that he would waste too much time.

Unexpectedly, Eli also waved at me and made a "rest assured" mouth shape.

Gavin: Leave them alone.

MC: I don't know why, but now I always have a feeling of occupying major public resources.

The corners of Gavin's mouth twitched slightly, and he looked at me helplessly, sighed.

Gavin: Can't the Commander go on a date after get off work.

He stood still in front of me, a little serious in his amber eyes.

Gavin: What stands in front of you now, it's Gavin that belongs to you only.

***

There was no one on the street, and the few shadows of trees stretched to the end of the empty road.

We unknowingly walked to the vicinity of Loveland High School and ate the last bowl of noodles at the still-open Lynn's Kitchen.

A live interview of STF to fight off the tornado is being broadcast on TV, and the boss exclaims while watching.

Boss: Did you really repel the tornado?

Gavin: Some news likes to exaggerate, you don't have to believe it.

MC: Gavin, this was taken by me.

Gavin: …Hmm, it was repelled.

Boss: Add more beef for you. Do you want other side dishes?

MC: I want it!

Gavin: Are you sure you can eat it?

MC: I'm able to eat it!

Gavin put down his chopsticks, looked at the side dishes on the table and the pile of beef in the bowl, he expressed doubts to me with his eyes.

MC: Is this a new flavor of noodles? It seems that I have never eaten it before.

Boss: Did little girl eat it? I updated the recipe of the soup. How does it taste?

MC: Super invincible and delicious!

Boss: That's good.

Boss: There are too many things that have been missed in a lifetime, and it's not worth beating.

Boss: However, it is still a pity that more people haven't tasted this bowl of noodles.

Boss: Thank you for finishing it.

***

MC: I'm so full...!

Gavin: You ate all the side dishes the boss gave.

MC: Because I don’t want to be a starving ghost...

Gavin: Nonsense.

Gavin gently knocked on my forehead, his eyes turned to the school gate across the road, his expression suddenly softened.

Gavin: You saved a cat here.

MC: You have beaten a few people here.

Gavin laughed.

Unexpectedly the school door closed tightly. Gavin noticed the loss on my face and patted my shoulder lightly.

Gavin: Do you want to go elsewhere?

MC: What a pity... I still want to go back and have a look.

MC: Wait, I get it!

***

Gavin: Are you sure you want to do this?

MC: No one, is afraid of anything!

With Gavin's help, I finally climbed the outer wall of the back door of the school.

MC: I wanted to do this a long time ago.

I clapped my hands, turned my head, Gavin was still standing under the wall, looking at me with a little speechless and a little funny.

MC: It doesn't matter, there is no one in the security room and no one in the school building. Come up soon.

Gavin touched his lips, with an expression of defeat by me.

He easily climbed up the wall and sat down beside me.

Gavin: Ready?

He seemed to see my hesitation and looked at me holding back a smile.

Gavin: I will count down for you?

This is the end of the matter, regret is useless. I took a deep breath and slowly released the fingers that were holding behind me.

Gavin: Three, two---

Before "One" hasn’t shouted out, I subconsciously let go of my hand because of tension, and my falling body was quickly surrounded by a gust of wind.

The violent heartbeat hit the tympanic membrane, and we landed safely on the ground.

MC: I didn't seem to have eaten so much just now.

Gavin: Can't walk anymore?

MC: ...I'm afraid you won't be able to hold it.

Gavin: Hold tight.

As if to verify this sentence, his hand pierced my knees and hugged me to the direction of the school building.

MC: But like this...!!

Gavin gently raised the corners of her lips.

Gavin: No one, is afraid of anything.

***

We came to Gavin's classroom.

The classroom door was not locked. I turned on the light, saw that the writing on the blackboard had not been cleaned.

MC: Gavin, which table is yours?

Gavin was a little surprised. He looked around and pointed to the back of the classroom by the window.

Gavin: There.

MC: Is this one?

I walked to the back of the classroom and stared curiously at the graffiti on this table.

MC: "Early" was carved upside down on the table,... I can't tell that you are quite easy to learn.

Gavin: …It’s the back one.

I followed Gavin's gaze and looked back. A desk was in the corner next to the wall.

MC: But after so many years, It must have changed many seats, and the table may not be this one.

I took the opportunity to sit down in the seat where Gavin had been, and looked around.

MC: Um... the vision from the blackboard is not very good.

MC: But the ventilation is good, it should be comfortable to sleep here in the afternoon.

I don't know if it was because of listening to my serious comments, there was a sporadic smile on his lips.

Gavin: Why are you talking about that suddenly?

MC: I told you before, we organized ordinary citizens and Evolver to build a wishing wall.

MC: I thought I would see a lot of fanciful and weird wishes, but after seeing it, I realized that this was not the case.

MC: "I want to eat hot pot for the last time", "Reunion with my family", "I want to reconcile with the lover who broke up"...

MC: That’s why I realized, everyone’s strongest wish is, actually a regret that has not been realized.

MC: That's why...

I want to make up for these regrets.

We left the classroom, and walked down the stairs. The sound of different footsteps echoed in the dim staircase.

Gavin: Are you scared?

MC: Hm?

Gavin: I remember many horror legends circulated in schools.

He slowed down as he spoke, always keeping a step away from me in front of him.

I hesitated for a moment and wanted to tell Gavin that I was not afraid.

In other words, I'm more afraid that the road under my feet will be finished soon than I'm afraid of these stories.

I hope the stairs below my feet can be longer, preferably without end.

MC: .....Gavin.

I stood on the edge of the steps, turned my head, and could not help calling his name.

A repressed impulse, drove me to do something.

He stood on a step lower than me, stopped, and looked at me with some doubts.

The few rays of light that leaked out of the window fell between us, cutting light and dark apart.

This light is like a crease, and I stand in front of him now, as if witnessing the folding of the years that have separated us.

Gavin: I know what you want to say.

His voice was lightened for an instant, with a sure smile.

The next second, he bent down, clasped my chin, and kissed me.

- Part 5-

The dim lights on both sides of the road passed through the dense leaves, scattered on the ground.

The library didn’t open, Gavin and I were strolling around the empty campus.

There seemed to be a warm touch remaining on the lips, I looked away pretending to be calm, always embarrassed to meet Gavin's gaze.

The bell rang in the distance, and the ginkgo leaves rustled down.

For a time, none of us spoke.

The meteors in the sky are getting denser, and my heart is beating faster and faster.

An uneasy premonition told me, that moment was approaching.

MC: Although shooting stars can be seen every day, it seems that many wishes are too late.

I pretended to smile with ease, breaking the deadlock between us. Gavin seemed to perceive something, and his amber-colored eyes looked at me.

Gavin: MC, You haven't finished what you just said.

Gavin: You keep asking about my wishes, what about yours?

MC: My wish...

My voice couldn't help but stop.

The ginkgo leaves on the branches are crumbling, and some are knocking on the windows of the school building behind them.

These leaves rustle on the branches in summer, and they creak when they fall in autumn. Every leaf makes a nice sound, but I have never noticed it.

I suddenly knew what my wish was.

I want to walk slowly at the school gate before the class bell rings.

I want to look up in the library and take a good look at the teenager sleeping opposite me.

I want to catch the wind at the age of seventeen, and say goodbye to him before the ginkgo leaves fall.

I looked up at Gavin, suddenly I wanted to cry.

MC: What if my wish will never come true?

Gavin was taken aback, for a long time, he rubbed the top of my head.

Gavin: Then go ahead.

Gavin: The wish that may not be reached now, but if you come back one day, it's already by your side.

I took a deep breath and grabbed his hand.

MC: Gavin, I am going to do something very important now.

MC: I kept busying myself a few days ago, thinking that if I didn't think about it, I wouldn't be sad until that time.

MC: But now I want to thank you, you gave me the courage to face it.

I felt like crying, but still managed to squeeze a smile.

MC: I'm leaving.

Gavin was silent, he gently stretched out his hand and stroked my face.

Gavin: I seem to be very bad at saying goodbye, and I have never been able to say goodbye to you every time.

Gavin didn't ask why or where I was going. He seemed to have known about this a long time ago.

Just hugged my arm hard and hot, as if to hold something at the last moment.

MC: This time it's my turn to say goodbye to you.

MC: We have experienced so many things, so this time is nothing.

I feel my body is getting lighter and lighter, and my limbs are gradually losing consciousness.

Perhaps that moment has come, my mind is getting harder and harder to concentrate, only vaguely seeing deeper and deeper sadness in my eyes.

MC: You told me...

MC: Regardless of the wind, the pigeon has its own direction, and I think I should do the same.

MC: But I am a person who has no sense of direction. I may go the wrong way and it will take a long time to get back to you...

Tears still fell unconvincingly, I sucked my mouth and wanted to speak again, but Gavin interrupted my words firmly.

Gavin: It doesn't matter if you go the wrong way.

Gavin: It doesn't matter if you come late.

Gavin: When I was seventeen, you let me know the direction of the wind.

Gavin: So it’s the same for you, just walk in your direction, no matter where you lead...

Gavin: My wish, is to meet you.

The white light was like a trickle, slowly seeping from the girl's body, illuminating the whole night.

MC: When the time comes, please correct my direction.

Feathers fluttered slowly from the girl's body.

The sky seemed to show a gleam of light, and the wine fell on the white feathers piled up under the girl's feet.

Gavin stood there quietly for a long time, his eyes always on the place where the girl disappeared.

He looked at the feathers scattered on the ground and the ginkgo that was blown away by the wind, his lips moved slightly and his hands slowly dropped.

The clear and distant "ding dong" echoed in the empty campus---

The bell rang after class.

#mlqc #mlqc cn #mlqc gavin #mlqc spoilers #mlqc chapters #ANGST #ANDSNSJKSJKSDJKNSK #GAVIN!!!!!#PG....WHY...WHY U LIKE TO STABBING OUR FRAGILE HEART?!!!!!

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sapphicautistic · 3 years

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every dr appointment I have I gain a new specialist or two, they’re like hydra heads, I keep thinking surely I’ve collected all the specialists I could possibly need and then I go to an appointment with another one and she’s like oh also I’m gonna refer you to Y and Z because you really need to get that addressed.

Honestly though I’m really loving being in the [redacted] system though because every doctor I’ve seen has been extremely competent and they share notes with each other and when they make a referral it’s easy to do cuz they’re all connected and my insurance is always already on file and everything.

I saw a new neurologist today and she continued the pattern of doctors expressing horror at things my doctors in Iowa really should/should not have done. I’m a little shocked at how seriously she took my pain and at the lengths she’s willing to go to to deal with it.

She said if a headache lasts a whole day I’m to use this new rescue med she’s prescribing, on day 2 I can take it again, and if the headache goes into day 3 I’m to contact her immediately and she’ll prescribe something else that day to end that particular headache.

Which like... I have to consciously pay attention to see whether I have a headache most of the time because I’m so dissociated from it I don’t notice unless something makes me think about it or unless it gets so bad it makes it hard to do stuff. I have headaches most of the time.

She said she is gonna try to get me down to 0 to 1 headache days per month and it was all I could do not to laugh at her because that seems insane. I thought I’ve been doing good that it’s like 24ish now with the meds I’m on!!

She’s prescribed me a bunch of new stuff and I passed on the q from my rheumatologist if it’s ok to go up on the nortryptyline (apparently it helps with fibro too?) and she upped it immediately. She said if I don’t like the new stuff to message her and she’ll get me in for botox next month. (I was on botox in IA and it did help some but she thinks this stuff will help more)

She had to rearrange her schedule to even get me in for a video visit next month, and in-person appointments are out to the end of September, but she was like very intense and said if I want the botox she will find a way to squeeze me in. I have NEVER had a dr that dedicated!

OH and also she seems to think my headaches are like. A very bad case? Even though I told her I don’t have vision issues with it and my nausea could be from another of my chronic illnesses. She didn’t even ask how severe they were, she was horrified that I have them like most of the time and I guess that was enough to think this is very bad?

I just keep being shocked every time I go to an appointment and the doctor takes me seriously and believes that my suffering is a problem worth attempting to solve. It’s so so different to what I was dealing with back in IA and I’m so fucking glad I moved here.

#long post #updates on my boring life #migraines

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thatsbucknasty · 4 years

Text

she used to be mine (v) waitress au

summary: Inspired by the broadway musical. Y/N Beck is a pie baking force to be reckoned with. She’s pregnant with her lazy ass husband, Quentin Beck’s baby. As everything around her turns upside down, Doctor James Buchanan Barnes charms his way into her life.

pairing: Y/N x Bucky

I will put some warnings in the tags cause I don’t want to spoil everybody but I feel like there are sensitive topics in this one, so go ahead and check the tags!

chapter 5: you will still be mine

You’d think that having an unplanned pregnancy, an unemployed lazy husband and an exhausting job that underpays would be just enough to realize you’re having a bad year. But now, on top of that, said unemployed lazy husband’s truck broke down and I just can’t afford to fix it right now, he’s asking for money cause he already took it to the shop without consulting with me, and it’s not like I can just give him my savings.

He was out all night yesterday, drinking I assume. I have to tell him I’m pregnant. And also, I have to walk to work and to my doctor’s appointment later today, because I can only afford one bus ride per day and usually it would be the one back home from work cause Quentin would drive me in the morning. Life’s just fine and dandy isn’t it?

I’ve seen those videos where women will make a big deal showing their spouse the little pregnancy test and record their reaction. It usually involves tears and hugs and all things pretty, and I can’t help but feel like I’m never gonna have that kind of life. The one with balloons and cake and glitter for the gender reveal party and the baby shower. And I’ve never even wanted those things, but I’m pretty sure Quentin’s reaction will be the farthest from tears and hugs and all things pretty.

“Morning, Y/N, you’re late again. It’s the third time this month”. Sam looks angry at me from the counter, at least he’s back to his grumpy self but I feel bad nonetheless.

“I am so sorry Sam, I swear I’m not doing it on purpose, it’s just that I had to walk and you know 4th street’s closed and-

“Hey, calm down girl. I understand. I know y’all think I’m rude and moody all the time but I just like teasing ya... if you ever need help I can give you a ride in the morning”. Great, now even Sam is pitying me.

“And I know what you’re thinking. ‘He’s pitying me’”, he rolls his eyes at me, “but I care about you girls despite all of our bickering. I’m just offering my help cause we’re pals, aren’t we?” He offers me a cup of coffee and I decline but sit down on the stool.

“Why aren’t you drinking coffee Y/F/N?” Oh shit.

“I uh, I-” Shit, shit, shit.

“Y/N?, tell me what’s going on?”

“Fuck, Sam, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. We are pals, we are! But I didn’t want Nick to know cause I thought he might fire me. I’m pregnant”. I finally sigh and hide my face in my hands, trying hard not to cry in front of him. “God, this is embarrassing”.

“Hey! There’s nothing to be ashamed of here. I understand, actually a lot of things make sense now. The girls know, don’t they?” I hum my answer, my face still in my palms.

“Have you told Quentin yet?” I shake my head and look down at the orange juice he puts in front of me instead of the usual coffee, huh, he can be nice when he really wants to.

“You’re in a real conundrum, aren’t you?”

“Yes I am. He hasn’t been working for the past three months. He didn’t come home last night and we fight almost every day. I don’t know when I’ll start showing but my uniform barely fits and my feet are swollen from walking here. It’s just a matter of time until he notices. I can barely afford my doctor’s appointments. Oh! And I might have a tiny crush on him”.

“Your doctor? Wasn’t he married?”

“How did you- nevermind. Well, he’s getting a divorce, but I am married so nothing’s gonna happen either way”.

“Jesus, I wish I could do something to help you. My offer on the ride still stands, okay?”

“Thank you, Sammy. You’re very kind but knowing my husband, he would never allow it. He’d rather I walk with my swollen feet everyday and I don’t wanna fight with him. I’m just so tired”.

“Y/N, I know this ain’t my place but, why are you still with him?”

“I honestly don’t know anymore. I keep making up reasons when Nat tells me to ‘leave his ass’ but I can’t think of any more good ones”.

The diner was very quiet today, most Tuesdays it is because Al’s Pancake World has a discount. Sam swore he’d keep the secret about my little crush. I just don’t want Nat to have more material for insisting I should leave Quentin right now. And now I’m walking over to the doctor’s office.

The air tonight is so crisp and I appreciate how summer is about to end. Fall has always been my favorite time of the year. I can’t wait for the diner to smell like pumpkin pie every day. Speaking of pie, I brought Bucky some leftovers.

“Good evening, Y/N. Oh gosh, you brought pie?”

“I said I would, didn’t I?”

“I’m starting to think I should give you something back, you really didn’t have to”.

“Oh don’t worry about it, it’s just some leftover ‘Kick in the pants pie’, I know, the name’s a little too aggressive but I had a bad week, don’t judge”.

“No one’s judging here. But care to explain the name?”

“I just- I had a fight with my husband earlier, and whenever I wish I could do something that’s not very nice, I just make it into a pie, you know… to express my feelings in a non-violent way”.

“So you wish you could kick your husband’s crotch but you made a pie instead, got it”. It’s insane and we both laugh about it for a minute and he leans back into the exam table. This is nice, having a friend who I can openly talk about my issues with. Wait, are we friends?

“Do you and your husband fight a lot?”

“Um… why are you asking me this?”

“Oh, nothing, it’s just- stress is bad for the baby and, I don’t know. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s okay”, I lean into the exam table next to him, close to him, “we do, we fight a lot. He drives me nuts, and I’m a pain in his ass. That’s just us I guess”.

“I get it. I was a pain in Dot’s ass too”, he scoffs out a cynical laugh and looks at me, “guess she couldn’t deal with that anymore”.

“Can I ask what happened?”

“You can, but I wouldn’t know how to answer. She just got up and left one day. Said she got an internship in New York and we weren’t working anymore, so- she didn’t even give me a real reason, nor a chance to work things out”.

“I’m sorry, Bucky”.

“It’s fine. We always wanted different things. I was raised in a small town and when I went to Chicago for college I was miserable. But I met Dot and I thought life in a big city wouldn’t be so hard if I had her by my side. But then she wanted to do even bigger”.

“Like New York?”

“Yeah. I’m not cut out for that. I love this little town of yours, always did”.

“Oh, so you’ve been here before?”

“Yeah, my grandparents lived here and I would come visit for the holidays. You actually remind me of my grandma”.

“Gee, thanks?” He throws his head back laughing.

“No, I mean because she used to bake like, ten different pies for Thanksgiving. She loved baking. And she was also a little-” He eyes me sheepishly and makes a face.

“A little what, huh?” I smack his arm and try not to laugh at his stupid, cute antics.

“Well, a little strong willed?”

“That’s a euphemism for stubborn”.

“Yeah, it is”. He has the audacity to smirk at me and I can’t help but smile because he says it in a way that feels like a compliment.

Bucky finishes the examination and tells me he’d like to see me again in three weeks. He opens the door for me and we do a little dance of who gets out first. We laugh at each other’s clumsiness and I feel like a teenager. He smells nice, like always. I say goodbye and I find myself hoping the next three weeks go by quickly. I glance at my watch and notice the time. Fuck, has it really been two hours? My appointments usually last thirty minutes tops.

“Hi, Y/N”. Fuck, he’s here already?

“Jesus, Quentin, you startled me. What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to see the game at Phil’s tonight”.

“Yeah? And I thought you were supposed to come home early, you said no extra shifts on Mondays”.

“I- I was-”

“Now don’t lie to me, cause I found your money! That’s right, I did! Why were you keeping money in the closet, huh? I took the money, paid Carl to fix the damn truck and drove over to Nick’s and you weren’t there. That angry redhead chick said you left early, so where, the fuck, were you?” He grabs an empty bottle of beer and throws it against the wall.

“Quentin. Stop it, you’re scaring me! Calm down!”.

“I won’t calm down until you tell me where you were!” He grabs another bottle and raises it above his head, aiming straight at me, I’m frightened and I don’t know what else to do but-

“I’m pregnant!”

Silence. Complete and utter silence. He lowers his arm along with the crystal bottle he’s holding. Tears cascade down my face silently and I can’t help them. I hate crying in front of Quentin but he truly scared me. He’s never been violent towards me. Sure he yells a lot but he never gets like this, and I’m sure he would’ve thrown that bottle at me if I hadn’t told the truth.

“Please say something”.

“You can’t be pregnant, Y/N, and if you are it isn’t mine”. He whispers and I don’t know if I heard him right. I’m at a loss for words for a few seconds.

“Why would you say such a thing? It is yours!”

“No it isn’t! I don’t want it!” He’s yelling again and his words break my heart. If I had the smallest belief that he actually cared for me, it’s gone.

“Quentin? Do you remember that night I went to the Stark’s party with you and we both got drunk? You were wearing your fancy blue shirt with the grey tie, and I had that red dress that you like. This baby is yours. And if you-”

“No, it isn’t! I said it isn’t, Y/N. I- I can’t do this with you, I can’t and I won’t!

“What are you talking about?!”

“You remember Alice? You met her at that party”.

“Right, mini skirt girl, I remember. What about her?”

“She and I-” He looks down at his feet and then back into my eyes and I see it.

“No”. My blood begins to boil. This bastard!

I feel a huge knot in my throat and I can’t breathe. All this time I’ve been grasping for something, anything. Clinging for this marriage to work. Feeling guilty about baking a stupid pie for my doctor, when he’s been sleeping with some girl who’s probably ten years younger than him?!

“No!” I grab the nearest object and throw it at him. And of course it’s a fucking pillow- “Get out! Out, I said! And don’t ever come back!” He’s backing down, opening the door and I yell at the top of my lungs, I don’t care if the neighbors hear me-

“That money you stole from me was for the doctor’s appointments and the hospital bills, I saved up all of that for this baby, your baby, alone! And you’re gonna pay me back! I kept a roof over your fucking head, paid for your fucking beers and you cheated on me? If you ever come near me or this baby I will kill you, you hear me?”

I grab his keys and put them on my apron’s pocket.

“And I’m keeping the stupid truck!”

He leaves, on foot, and just like that I’m a single mother.

“AH!”

What is this? The most terrifying pain strucks my pelvis and I feel a discharge in my underwear. No, no. Baby don’t do this. We are gonna be fine, you and I. I promise. Please. Don’t.

chapter 6: a soft place to land

a/n: pls reblog if you liked it c: and don’t kill me, I promise fluff is coming!

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dear-diary-where-is-my-soul · 3 years

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Hey Diary,

It has been... almost a whole year? Idk. I’m here anyhow. I somehow got it into my head that when high school was over, I would somehow become magically no longer mentally ill. That didn’t happen, obviously. So here I am. I did a bit of digging and I think I have ADHD (Which I like to call dopamine deficiency) and also ASD (Which I like to call a pain in my ass). I’m just kidding, they’re both a pain in my ass. But at least I know what it’s called. I can kind of manage it now because I spent hours looking for management plans that work for both ADHD and Autism, and seeing what worked for me. I know for a fact that I have Anxiety (Of the social variant - possibly tied to autism) and depression (That I’ve had since age 12 - about 6 years). I thought I was over my anorexia but it keeps pestering in the back of my mind. I’m eating now, but it still isn’t 3 meals a day. It’s not ‘healthy’ meals but it’s better than nothing. I still think that sometimes I’m not worth the food. My boyfriend (The same boyfriend) is a really good cook. His food is so good. But neither of us can eat it. I moved out for a short while, about 4 months. I moved in with my boyfriend, who moved in about 9 or so months before me, with his ‘dad’ (Non-bio, no longer dating [Boyfriends] mother). During those 4 months, I spent more than 1000′s dollars in savings not to mention my Centrelink payments, which only started during the second month [half of what my boyfriend was getting], to trying to keep me and my boyfriend alive. Which would’ve been way easier if I didn’t need to spend over 500 dollars in taxi fees because his dad didn’t know when to stop drinking. So, a little bit of extra kicked in the fucking balls, Before I moved in, I was told that I wouldn’t need to worry about rent until my Centrelink payments were sorted. But, when we move out, my boyfriend sold his bike and 650 of that money was given to his dad because he was keeping track of how long I didn’t pay rent for and said I owned it to him. Even Though my boyfriend offered 2/3 of my rent (Plus his own) every payday. We were both told that it was fine and that we didn’t have to worry about it. He always complained about me being anti-social. Which was really fucking clear to begin with. I never said that I would be interacting with him more than what was comfortable. This was his main excuse for drinking. But, until I moved in he completely ignored my boyfriends attempts to be social with him. He wasn’t my type of person. Conservative, mid 40′s, cis-het, white man with ASD and previous alcohol and drug use problems. AKA ‘There’s nothing wrong with the world you’re just to sensitive, men are men and women are women nothing will change that, except don’t move my living room around because that’s too much for me to handle’. He used to scream at my boyfriend that he isn’t a real guy, but got upset when my boyfriend then put distance between them to not get any more hurt and depressed. I hated it. I can’t handle any loud noises or anything like that. It sends me up the wall with anxiety and I’m very easily over stimulated. Unfortunately, our roommate did not get over stimulated easily and really like heavy metal, which he would play unbearably loud until 2-3 AM on the weekends. He also nearly broke our bedroom door several times. He would scream insults at us through the door and while outside our window (which had a little undercover deck-type-thing, where he drank himself stupid). Me and my boyfriend took a two week holiday up back to our home town, because my boyfriend was having stress-induced Seizures. He was having full-on whole-body fits every 2-3 days that lasted about 5 minutes (These have stopped since we moved out). Anyway, we got back home, being dropped off by my bf’s mum,( who has since very much mellowed out [about my boyfriend being trans] by having another kid, this kid is nearly 18 months old, has some kind of IBS [Unconfirmed as of yet, but he is in a lot of pain]). We put away the few bits of shopping we got, as we were band from touching our roommates food over a month before because he was asked not to eat ours (Not true, but he did use a full packet of our cheese [7 or 8 bucks per packet] in one meal that neither me or my boyfriend liked or could eat, which we were talking about to my boyfriends mother who mentioned it). He also said that we accused him of stealing and shit like that (We didn’t). But anyway, We make dinner because it was around 5;30 or so and we didn’t eat lunch. We put of a movie in the background and my boyfriend goes out for a cigarette on the deck-thing and when he comes back in he tells my that our roommate has been drinking but will stop soon because we’re home. 8:30 comes around, me and my bf are heading to bed with the same movie on in the background and that’s when the screaming starts. 20 whole minutes of our roommate screaming “FAGGOTS” to try to get our attention. During this time, we call my bf’s mum, who is still in town because she had a doctors appointment the next day, staying at my bf’s nans house. We then get up, grab our still-packed from our two week trip (day)bags, and wall ten minutes away to the shopping centre near-by and call a taxi. During that night, our (ex)roommate texted my bfs mum basically saying that we are ‘kicked out’ and that he hates all of us. This isn’t the first time this has happened but it is definitely the last. We went back, the next day while he was at work, grabbed our other bags and a few of the essential items we wanted for the next week or so. Our landlord (ex-roommates mother) said that everything was fine to stay there until we could get it picked up within the next two months or so. She offered to pack it all up for us as well, which we accepted because neither of us wanted to go back to that house again. We haven’t been there, or seen him since. My bf’s mother’s bf went with my brother to pick up all of the rest of our stuff a week after we left. We set back up in my home town, now both of us have been ripped away from our new doctors, our counsellors and my new therapist less than a week before my first appointment (which I now do via telehealth [phone/video calls]). This was about a month ago. me and my bf now have set up and pay for our internet ourselves and I got a disney+ subscription because I'm obsessed with feeling the safety I felt during childhood. Anyway, I live with my boyfriend and his mum and her boyfriend and their 1 year old. Both of my parents live in this town but we’ve been in lock down and I haven’t been able to see them. I feel like I’m drowning because I don’t go outside. I used to walk with my boyfriend, but because he has several chronic health issues we can’t risk him going outside and he can not exercise as much as either of us would like due to chronic pains (And a busted knee which he has scans for in a fortnight or so). I’m in an online course, which was fully government subsidized due to the amount of people who need training or retraining after Covid-19. I really like it, and it is making me think more harshly about wanting to start a business. However, I don’t think I can do the assessments. Almost all of them seem to require me being social on the online group chats, and it fuels my social anxiety so much I didn’t do anything to my course for a whole month. And this whole thing was a way to help me get rid of those feelings, but I still don’t know what to do. How do I word it to the teachers? I haven’t talked to any of them before and it might seem like I just don’t want to put in the work in the social aspects of my assessments because I don’t have a diagnoses. This sucks. I can barely sit my ass down and read through the work as it is. Then I start thinking about how I'm 1 quarter of the way through this course and haven’t brought myself to do a single assessment. Then I freak out over how much I’ve done (or haven’t done) and don’t end up doing the work.

#diary #dear diary #my diary #home issues #kicked #roommate rant #ex #ex roommates #asd #self diagnosed autism #self diagnosed adhd #depression #anxienty #health #learning

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

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How old was the first person you kissed? He was 15 and I was 16.

What would be your typical outfit for a party? I’d just wear my everyday attire.

How do you listen to your music? (i.e ipod, stereo, computer, other music player, etc) Spotify app on my phone.

If your girlfriend/boyfriend broke up with you tonight, what would you do? I’m single.

could you go the rest of your life without doing any drugs? I’ve only ever done weed, I’ve had no desire to do any other drug.

last dream you had: Something really weird and random as per usual.

do you think a lot of people think bad things about you? I don’t think I’m important enough for others to think about. I sometimes suspect that when I’m not around, it’s like I don’t exist. <<< That’s exactly how I feel.

what is the first letter of the last name of the last person you kissed? V.

do you want to tell someone how you feel? No.

has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you? Something along those lines. I guess they got over that.

is your best friend pissing you off at this exact moment? No.

will you be a strict parent one day? I’m not going to be a parent one day.

For people that don’t know you, what do they think your age usually is? Early 20s. Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed? We haven’t seen or talked to each other in like 5 years. We both just went our own way.

Do you think someone is talking crap about you behind your back? I’m sure my former friends had some choice things to say about me when I completely ghosted a few years ago. I don’t blame them at all.

What color was the last pill you took? White.

Has more than one person ever told you they loved you? Many family members, a few friends, my first boyfriend.

The first person you were in a relationship with, do you still care about them? We haven’t talked in over 10 years, but I have no hard feelings towards him at all. I truly hope he’s doing well.

What do you and your friends do when there’s nothing to do? Back when I had friends we’d do stuff like go get food and/or coffee and chill, go to the movies, or just have a movie night or something.

Sex ruins relationships, right? No?

What’s something you’re looking forward to? I can’t wait for it to finally start cooling down, but as of now California is still acting like it’s summer. D:

Last person to stand up for you? I haven’t needed to be stood up for in awhile, but my family always has my back and absolutely would stand up for me if needed.

The last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them? Zero.

Who is the last person to call you? My mom.

Have you been to a baby shower? Yeah, a few.

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name begins with J? Yeah, Joseph. Any of you who have been keeping up with my surveys for awhile may be familiar with that name.

Something good going to happen tomorrow? I can’t predict the future.

Do you believe exes can be friends? Yeah, it happens. Didn’t work for me in the long run with mine, but I know it can happen.

The last person you kissed hates you. Why? I have no idea why he would feel that strongly towards me. We haven’t interacted in any way in 5 years, for one. Second, he’s the one who hurt me. I don’t hate him, never have, and I’ve long since moved on entirely, but if anyone had an issue with the other I think it would be me.

Who were you with the last time you went to the movie theater? My mom and brother. I miss going to the movies. The theaters have finally started to open up in my area, but I don’t feel safe going. I’m honestly scared because I don’t know when I’ll feel safe to go anywhere. I literally only go to my doctor appointment once a month and that’s because I have to in order to get my medication. It makes me super anxious just doing that, so I’ve had no interest in going anywhere else. Like how long will it be this way? I was a homebody pre-covid for the past few years, but I at least went on grocery shopping trips with my mom, went to the movies and other random shopping trips now and then, and beach trips during the summer in addition to my doctor appointments (which were 2 appointments a month before this). Now I’m totally cooped up inside apart from aforementioned doctor appointment once a month.

What do you usually do when the clock turns 11:11? I don’t do anything.

Do you like your cell phone? I was fine with it until it started messing up recently.

Has anyone ever sang to you? No.

So, what if you married the last person you kissed? Nah.

Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend? Yes.

Do you plan on moving out within the next year? We’d really like to move soon, but I don’t think it’ll be within the next year.

What are you listening to at the moment? An ASMR video of course.

Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? Nope. I don’t plan on ever getting married. And something super drastic would have to change in a short amount of time for that to happen, which I really don’t see happening, so.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Not in the romantic sense, no.

Where is the person you have feelings for? I don’t have feeling for anyone in the romantic sense right now either.

List the initials of every person you have kissed, from oldest to most recent kiss. (Put “?”s in the place of initials you don’t know.) DL, GB, and JV. What’s your favorite high school memory? I liked the rallies, assemblies, and spirit days.

Do you wish you had more money? I mean, that would be nice. It’d sure be a great help.

Do you want to have any children? if so, how many? Nope.

Team Jacob or Team Edward? I was team Edward during my Twilight fangirl days.

Do you have a problem with bisexual, gay, or bicurious people? No. I don’t have an issue with someone because of their race or sexuality. If I have an issue with someone, it’s because of something about them as a person, personality wise, and/or something they did.

Have you ever held hands with the opposite sex? Yes.

Have you ever liked someone older than you? Just by a couple years.

Are you a patient person? No. Do you think you are a good person? Generally speaking yeah. I try hard not to do things that’ll hurt others. I’m a big believer in letting you do you, as long as it doesn’t hurt or discriminate against anyone else. <<< Well put.

Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough? Yeah, many times as a kid. I also licked the brownie batter off the spoon. And guess what? I never once got sick. That was like a very normal thing to do back then and I didn’t know anyone who got salmonella from it. I haven’t done either of those things ever since the salmonella news spread many years ago, but it does make me wonder.

Is there a difference between the word ‘best friend’ and ‘friend’? Well, yeah.

Do you think you’ll be married in three years? Nopeeeeee.

Would you stay with your bf/gf if they did drugs? I’d have an issue if it was anything other than weed. I wouldn’t just end things right then and there, but I would definitely say something about it and encourage them to stop. If they had no desire to stop and didn’t even try then I think I would end things.

Have you ever found someone you really really really liked? Yes.

Do you like relationships, or do you prefer to be single? It’s best for me to be single and I’m fine with that at this time.

Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? I’m 31 and still have no idea.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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ketopian · 4 years

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Putting Your Money Where Your Research Is

So my wife and I are starting a business selling all the Ketogenic Diet related things that we wish there was already a website for. We've been eating keto for a couple of years now and it has had a huge impact on our health and our lives. My wife has lost a huge amount of body fat and overcome multiple metabolic issues and I've been able to stop taking immunosuppressants for Crohn's Disease and am now completely drug free. We both have hugely increased energy levels. There are loads of great Keto and Low Carb blogs in the world, so I thought long and hard about writing yet another one, but I thought that a) it might help me to get more clarity on certain issues b) give me reason to experiment a bit more with my meals, as I've gotten a bit lazy of late and everyone loves a recipe, and c) force me to consolidate all I have learned from reading various bits of scientific literature in relation to nutrition, which is something I do a lot given my past as a scientist, engineer and science teacher. While my background isn't medicine, I have spent the last few years educating myself on biochemistry. This was originally to help my wife with various issues (many of which a plan to go into at a later date), but I quickly discovered that there was a lot more I could learn.

I, like most scientifically minded or "sceptical" (there's a word that's been seriously corrupted by the internet) people, thought I knew all there was to know about nutrition: a calorie is a calorie, an energy deficit is all you need to lose weight, and no, you aren't fat because of your hormones. I went at least a little further than most; I understood how digestion worked and that starches ended up as glucose in the body, a message some medical professionals still seem to have trouble with. Nonetheless, it came as a shock to me when all this stuff didn't seem to work for my wife. I was seeing how little he was eating, how hungry she was getting and how difficult it was for her to shift those fat stores. Her pregnancy was a major turning point. PCOS had been mooted before but it was never confirmed until a scan ended up with the radiographer saying “Your ovaries look a little polycystic to me”. This was followed a number of weeks later by a diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes, accompanied by the standard advice – eat regular meals (six per day plus snacks) and make sure you have loads of carbohydrate at each – accompanied by the offer of medication. Well, we were both determined that that wasn’t going to happen, so I set about researching, which is what I do best (well, one of two things, but we’ll come to the other much later). The obstetricians could not believe her blood sugar readings – they were better than most non-diabetics. One of them even asked to see the glycometer, as such low readings could not be possible. How did we do it? By ignoring all the advice we were given, reducing carbohydrates to a very low level (although not keto levels at that point) and using a small number of carefully researched supplements. We didn’t mention the supplements to any medical professional; we had enough patronising advice from them, but it was following the science that allowed my wife to avoid medication and to produce a daughter who was born incredibly healthy and with a great start in life.

I don’t want to criticise the medical community too much, most of them are only trying their best, but there is a certain amount of arrogance which tends to come with being a doctor, which often is not concomitant with their intelligence or knowledge. Just as in any other field of endeavour, ability as a medical practitioner is on a bell curve. In other words, there are a few who are fantastic at their jobs, a few who are truly awful, and most are pretty much middling in ability. I’ve taught students who became doctors, and if I were ever given an appointment with them, I’d run a mile! Most doctors follow the guidelines, and it’s a lottery as to whether you get to see the occasional few who do enough research in the right areas to go beyond that. If we educate ourselves to a high enough level, we may be able to help our doctors to help themselves and then eventually to help everyone else.

So back to the story. So this whole pregnancy episode got me really intrigued. Was everything I knew actually complete bullshit? I had spent around close to 300 hours during Hayley’s pregnancy reading papers and getting familiar with the biochemistry and biology of nutrition, and countless more hours not sleeping but thinking about what I had read. It completely changed my attitude to my own knowledge. It had also deeply concerned me. How could everyone have been so wrong on this for so long? Well, it turns out that they absolutely could be, and the reasons are complex and too long for now (stay tuned for a post on this precise subject), but there was something else that intrigued me.

I have Crohn’s Disease. For those of you who don’t know, Crohn’s Disease is an autoimmune disease of the gastrointestinal tract. What this means is it causes inflammation, ulceration and pain, anywhere from the mouth to the anus. It is essentially when your own immune system decides that your gut is a foreign object and therefore needs destruction. My own Crohn’s was mainly confined to the colon, although I also got very large and painful mouth ulcers. Crohn’s is usually treated with steroids, anti-inflammatory drugs, immunosuppressants, which damp down the immune system, and a more recent sort of therapy called biologic therapy. I had been a biologic many years ago, but I was fairly lucky in that I was OK on just anti-inflammatories and immunosuppressants, however the immunosuppressants were not pleasant. I got every illness going. If I got a cold, I had it bad for two weeks, including having to spend a day or two in bed. I had got to the end of my tether; there had to be another way.

Enter ketone bodies. So if you know anything about ketogenic diets you probably know that when you restrict carbohydrates enough that your body starts to use fat to create substances called ketone bodies, the most important of which for human metabolism is a chemical called Beta-hydroxybutyrate (BHB). Well, it turns out BHB has a strong anti-inflammatory effect. “Aha,” I thought to myself,” This might be worth a go”. It was. I had tried to come off medication several times previously, under medical supervision, of course. Always, within about six weeks, I would have a serious and painful relapse. Not this time. I bit the bullet, stopped my medication (this time without telling any medical professionals) stopped the carbs and waited, fully expecting the usual relapse. It’s now been two years drug free and I have never felt better. I would go as far as to say I have no symptoms of Crohn’s. While I would hesitate to say all Crohn’s sufferers should do this, especially the way I did it, it might be worth a try if you’ve had enough of the side effects of your drugs, or if you can’t get any relief and just want an extra bit of help. With medical supervision, of course. It might also be worth a try if you have any other autoimmune disorder, such as ulcerative colitis, rheumatoid arthritis, psoriasis, lupus and maybe even multiple sclerosis. Please don’t take this as medical advice but try to educate yourself and your medical practitioners as much as possible on this subject. If you want any help in this endeavour please let me know.

Well, this has been a long and rambling story, but we’re almost up to date. Since my discoveries I have helped a number of friends and family members send their type 2 diabetes or prediabetes into remission, lose weight and become healthier, both physically and mentally. My wife is slimmer, healthier and feels generally better. I didn’t even realise I had fat to lose but the recent appearance of my abdominal muscles seems to confirm that I actually had a fair bit to get rid of. All by getting rid of refined sugar, starchy carbs and the vast majority of processed foods, and getting BHB levels up. Do I think that everyone should be doing keto? Absolutely not. Everyone’s biology is unique – some people will respond fantastically to a ketogenic diet, some people will get less than nothing from it. But for those for whom it works it is life changing. Hopefully via the website, this blog and the planned videos we will be able to help more people get what they need out of this incredibly powerful dietary intervention.

TL;DR: For lots of people Ketogenic Diets are awesome. Welcome to Ketopian.

#keto #low carb #autoimmunity #crohn's disease #pcos #gestational diabetes #ketogenic #ketopian

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icequeen-shiva · 6 years

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what i need to say to you, as a fat girl.

i’m going to put it under a cut, not because i’m embarrassed but because i know i’m going to get longwinded and i know some people won’t appreciate a gigantic, lengthy post clogging up their dash. and i get that! that’s me sometimes too. it’s cool, fam. it’s... it’s a damn novel. i’m not going to lie. i’m sorry it got so long. there’s a lot of history. but i don’t know how else to make it so clear and understandable without going deep. everything in here is exactly what i want known. so... yeah, it’s long.

i just had my yearly gynecological appoint a week ago. she stressed to me that she couldn't be happier with me, even with my weight. my blood work was, she called it, wonderful. my levels are good! i’m not even close enough to pre-diabetic that she felt a need to caution me. i’m healthy, according to my blood, she said. keep doing what i’m doing, she said, based on science and my blood, not my stomach, where all my weight seems to go. i am blessed that my doctor is kind. she knows that i, and others like me, am doing the best i can to find more healthy and nutritional things that work for me (and while i won’t go into it here, i will say that i have a fucked up home life that doesn’t make it easy). she knows pcos is fighting me every step of the way on losing weight. but she is proud of me and supports me and when she wants to talk about my weight, that is how she addresses it: with positive suggestions, not shaming me, not guilting me into feeling like i’ve done this wrong and disappointed everyone.

yes, i could exercise more. i’m not in shape, but the tests come back that, overall, i’m healthy, but that doesn’t seem to matter, because i’m still fat.

it shouldn’t be this hard to write. i shouldn’t be crying while i write this, but it’s been beaten into me (not literally) since i was a child that i’m not worth it if i’m fat. i went from kindergarten through eighth grade to a very small school (at its largest while i went there, my class had 36 people total) and i lived on the very edge of the district. if a friend wanted to do anything, we had to coordinate with our parents who was going where, whose parents were driving and what time would we get together, what time would someone need picked up, etc. and i was fat. i’ve been overweight since the day i was born, coming out at 10 pounds. i wasn’t into sports, which was absolutely what this school put almost all of its focus on. i was into art, which was the last thing this school put its focus on. i was quiet, i didn’t live in town, i didn’t want to play kickball or basketball at recess, i wanted to sit on the swings and draw. i was the weird kid, and i also happened to be the fat kid in my grade. the only fat kid. so i was an undesirable, and i just... got used to it. i will never forget how sick i felt in seventh grade, in the girls’ locker room after gym one day, when one of the thinnest girls was almost crying about her reflection and how fat she looked. i felt terrible for her, because if she really believed that then that girl needed help, but i also felt absolutely sick and knew i wanted to be annnywhere else but that school with these girls. i was lucky enough that my mom finally agreed to let me go to the school just a hop over the district line for high school. i met the best friend i’ve ever had in my whole life. i met other fat kids. i won the art club scholarship when i was a senior. my entire social existence was not predicated on “she doesn’t live here, she’s an oddball, and she’s fat” for the first fucking time.

but i was still fat in high school, and still pretty weird, i won’t lie, so i was still not the girl asked to any dances. i was never invited to any parties. i’m lucky that i wasn’t bullied for my fatness. a couple underclassmen punks behind me in the hallway tried one time, but at this point, i had perfected my glare and intimidation voice, so when i stopped, turned around, glared, and dared them to say that one more time, they didn’t. i was picked on for my goth aesthetic more than i was my weight, and that was fine. it wasn’t my weight, so i could live with it. i had my friends, i had my art classes, i had english and history where the teachers loved me and how good i was at these subjects. but i never had a date. i never had a first kiss. i never had any of this. i was fat, and i was weird. i’m not blaming it all on my physical appearance. everyone is embarrassingly weird as a teenager, i think, and if you weren’t then you’re lying.

for varying reasons, i didn’t get to go away for college. i went where my parents demanded i go, to a community branch of ohio state, with looming promises of “oh, you can transfer to columbus in a year or two, it’ll be fine” that ended up never happening. it was just like high school all over again. it was so small, and so limited, and so full of the same kind of people i’d been with the last four years already. i was still the fat weird girl. i grew into both of these. i learned to carry them each much better, i started taking theatre classes and auditioning for the plays, i even got the fucking lead in a one season. i was antigone, and i was, for the first time, excited about myself.

it didn’t last, though. the theater kids were, contrary to how they’re depicted so often and what other people’s stories have been, mean. so i left it. i never acted on that campus again. and it hurt like a motherfucker when i reminded myself that i gave up like that. but it was easier to do that. it was easier to take myself out of the spotlight than it was to constantly fight and defend my right to have it just like anyone else. now... there’s a lot of other issues in my life, that i’m not willing to address right now. all of my friends moved a few hours away from me. i’m not exaggerating, though i wish i was. i never ended up leaving. i dropped out of college when my depression was spiraling out of control and i wasn’t reeeeally functioning at all. i still live at home, in this close-minded, rural, midwestern place, because i’m terrified of leaving my mother with her depression that’s much worse than mine has ever been and i have no one in this area at all that i trust enough to be roommates with, and i can’t afford living on my own without that crutch. that’s as far as i’m willing to go. but this-- leaving acting, that i had loved so much-- was really a tipping point into the depression i have struggled with for almost my entire adult life.

and that depression and continued social rejection has really drummed in further i am fat. i have no hope of anyone ever thinking i’m beautiful. no one will ever really be attracted to me. i can fix my face with makeup but i cannot hide my gut, and that will repulse them.

i’m 28 years old and still-- fucking still-- the only time i’ve ever been shown romantic interest, was a joke. the only time someone has ever given me their phone number was a goddamn joke. it was at a restaurant, where i wasn’t afraid to order what i wanted and enjoy eating it, and i probably looked like a pig. i like food. we kind of need it to survive, and if i’m going to a restaurant with my friends, i’m going to get what i want, what sounds good, and enjoy myself with my friends, not get only a small salad because i have to watch my weight and i have to look like the meek, ashamed fat girl who’s trying to do better. i don’t have to look like anything, for anyone. but for a long time after i realized that number was a joke, i stopped doing all of that. i’d barely eat when we went out. i’d cry about it in the bathroom. i’d cry about it in bed. i cried a lot. and i hated myself. i’ve somehow managed to mostly overcome that. but it’s been hard, and let me repeat: i can only say mostly.

so what i really, really need you to know, and this is directed to the tickle community more than it is anyone else right now... this is why, if/when i get suddenly upset about belly tickles; if/when i get very quiet and withdrawn, when my dash is flooded with “ideal” bodies with their cute bellies getting tickled; if/when i get very feet-centric again because, after over a decade of navigating through my kink preferences and finding a place in this community, i’ve convinced myself over and over again that “if you keep it focused on your feet, they won’t notice that you’re fat.” which is ridiculous because in online play, nobody has to know that if i don’t say anything. but i will know. i will always know, when i present myself in rp as some small, cute, only a little bit chubby girl, that i’m lying.

it’s so hard being fat in such a physical kink. so fucking hard. even the plus size girls in the videos don’t look like me. it’s incredibly appreciated, don’t get me wrong, and it’s... it’s not even that i’m ~so big. i don’t look as heavy as i am. i’ve been accused of looking for attention and saying i’m heavier than i really am, when i try to be honest about how much the scale says (which honestly just makes me incredibly paranoid that maybe i have some giant cyst(s) on my ovaries that’s distending everything and heavy af with a bunch of fluid and crap, as is the hallmark symptom of polycystic ovarian syndrome, but that’s another essay). but it’s heavy enough to bother me. and that just gets problematic, because it’s not right of me to think “well, at least i’m not that size,” because the girl that size is having the same struggles as i am, probably.

there’s literally one person i’ve ever spoken to that has told me, and i believe truthfully, they think i’m cute and that i’m worth it. and they live in england, thousands of miles away. and he wasn’t a “chubby chaser,” and i truly believe he wasn’t saying it out of pity. he meant it. but he’s the definition of unattainable.

i need you to understand that you need to be patient with me, if we’re really going to play, because the hardest thing i can do is accept that you don’t think i’m disgusting. because at the end of the day, i can be as confident in my personality and my intelligence and my skills as possible, but i will still look down at my stomach, hanging over the waistband of my pj shorts, and i will still think this is disgusting and it’s no wonder i’m alone.

#this has been a post #holy shit #body positivity #i guess it's positivity???#not really #me #i'm not gonna tag tickling or anything because i don't really need the whole of tumblr to see it? just followers

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itsfinancethings · 4 years

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New world news from Time: A Radical German Program Promised a Fresh Start to Yazidi Survivors of ISIS Captivity. But Some Women Are Still Longing for Help

When Hanan escaped from Islamic State captivity, there wasn’t much to come back to.

She and her five children had survived a year in a living nightmare. After her husband finally managed to arrange their rescue in the summer of 2015, they joined him in a dusty camp in Iraq where he lived in a tent. The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) still controlled the territory they called home, and they were unsure if they could ever go back. And Hanan was unsure if she could ever escape the darkness she felt inside.

So when, in the fall of 2015, Germany offered her the promise of safety and a chance to heal from her trauma, it wasn’t a difficult decision. Accepting a place in a groundbreaking program for women and children survivors of ISIS captivity did mean leaving her husband behind in the camp, but she was told he could join her after two years. So she and her children boarded the first flight of their lives, out of Iraq and away from their tight-knit community, in search of safety and treatment for what still haunted them.

Hanan, now 34, was one of 1,100 women and children brought to Germany in an unprecedented effort to aid those most affected by ISIS’s systematic campaign to kill and enslave the ancient Yazidi religious minority. (TIME is identifying Hanan by her first name only for her safety.) Launched by the German state of Baden Württemberg in October 2014, the program aimed to help survivors of captivity receive much-needed mental-health treatment and support. In Iraq, there had been a rash of suicides among the heavily-traumatized survivors, who had minimal access to mental-health care and faced an uncertain future. In Germany, far from the site of their suffering, state officials hoped the women and children could find healing and a fresh start.

But for Hanan, those promises remain unfulfilled. German officials never granted visas to any of the women’s husbands, leaving families, including Hanan’s, indefinitely torn apart. Like most of the women, she’s not undergoing promised trauma therapy. She often thinks about killing herself. The only thing stopping her, she says, is her children.

Not all the women are desperate. Some are thriving in Germany, and others have become global advocates for their community, like 2018 Nobel Prize winner Nadia Murad. She is the most prominent face of a program that was so ambitious and well-intentioned it inspired other countries, like Canada and France, to follow suit. But Hanan’s experience illustrates how parts of the program failed to live up to their full potential, and shows how difficult it is for refugees to gain access to mental health services, even in a program designed for just that. Michael Blume, the state official who led the program, sees it as a “great success” overall. But he is troubled by the state’s failure to bring the women’s husbands to Germany. “A great humanitarian program should not be sabotaged by bureaucracy,” he says. “But that’s what is taking place.”

Before she left Iraq, Hanan said she was given a piece of paper with information about what awaited her in Germany. “I wish I could find that paper now,” she says, “because the promises they gave us, they didn’t keep all of them.”

By the time ISIS swept across Sinjar, the area in northwest Iraq that is home to most of the world’s Yazidis, Hanan had already endured more than her share of hardship. Her parents were murdered in front of her when she was six. She and her two siblings went to live with their grandfather and his wife, where they were beaten, starved, and forced to work instead of going to school. Her baby sister died soon after.

In her early twenties, she escaped the torturous conditions at home by marrying Hadi. It was the first good fortune of her life, she says; they loved each other. Over the course of about seven years, they had four daughters and then a son, who was just a few months old in August 2014, when ISIS captured Sinjar and unleashed its systematic campaign to wipe out the Yazidis.

In conquered Yazidi towns, fighters executed the men and elderly women. Boys were sent off for indoctrination and forced military training. Women and girls were sold into slavery, traded among fighters like property and repeatedly raped. Hanan and her children were among more than 6,000 people kidnapped. Hadi, who was working as a laborer in a city beyond the reach of ISIS when their village was captured, was frantic when he learned his family was gone.

Within days, President Barack Obama launched U.S. airstrikes on ISIS militants, and U.S. forces delivered food and water to besieged Yazidis trapped on Sinjar mountain. In the following months, as Yazidi women and children started emerging from captivity—some escaped, while others were rescued by a secret network of activists—with tales of horror, Yazidis pleaded for more international action. Former captives were severely traumatized. Mental-health care in Iraq was limited. And because the Yazidi faith doesn’t accept converts or marriage outside the religion, the women raped and forcibly converted to Islam by ISIS members feared they were no longer welcome in the community.

In Germany, home to the largest Yazidi population outside of Iraq, officials in Baden Württemberg decided to act. In October 2014, state premier Winfried Kretschmann decided to issue 1,000 humanitarian visas and earmark €95 million ($107 million) for what became known as the Special Quota Project for Especially Vulnerable Women and Children from Northern Iraq. The state recruited 21 cities and towns across the southwestern state to host the refugees, agreeing to pay municipalities €42,000 ($50,000) per person for housing and other costs, while the state would cover the cost of their healthcare. Two other states agreed to take an additional 100 people.

Tori Ferenc—INSTITUTE for TIMESaber, six, and Sheelan, eight, playing on the bed.

Program officials interviewed survivors of ISIS captivity in Iraq, selecting those with medical or psychological disorders as a result of their captivity who could benefit from treatment in Germany. The project was not restricted to Yazidis, and a small number of Christians and Muslims also were chosen. That was when the officials told each woman that after two years, immediate family members like husbands could apply for a visa under German rules for family unification.

Read More: He Helped Iraq’s Most Famous Refugee Escape ISIS. Now He’s the One Who Needs Help

The program was groundbreaking. No German state had ever administered its own humanitarian admission program. And instead of waiting for asylum-seekers to make dangerous journeys across the Mediterranean, officials were seeking out the most vulnerable and bringing them to safety. The first plane arrived in March 2015. The last of the flights—including the one carrying Hanan—landed in January 2016.

Hanan, along with 111 others, was sent to a pleasant hilltop town of about 25,000 people at the edge of the Black Forest. (Officials asked that the town not be named to protect the survivors, whom they fear could be targeted by ISIS members.) For the first three years, she lived with about half of the group in an old hospital in the town center that had been converted into a communal residence.

Hanan and her five children occupied two rooms off a central corridor—one they used for sleeping, and the other, with a sink along one wall and a worn leather sofa along another, as a living room. They shared a bathroom and a kitchen with a large family next door.

“The neighbors are worse than Daesh,” she joked with a grimace, using a pejorative name for ISIS. It was May 2017, more than a year after her arrival. She sat on the floor to breastfeed her youngest child, Saber. At three, he was small for his age, but Hanan was small too. Her long dark hair was pulled back, and she wore a long blue skirt and a dark hoodie. Her next youngest, Sheelan, climbed into a wardrobe in the corner, peeking out from underneath thick black bangs. Haneya, her oldest at 10, and Hanadi and Berivan, eight and seven, were fighting with the neighbor’s children, their shrieks competing with the Kurdish music videos blaring from the television. Hanan yelled at them to stop.

Caring for her five children alone was wearing Hanan out. She was often sick, but found it difficult to go to the doctor because she didn’t have help with childcare. She complained about painful and unresolved gynecological issues from being repeatedly raped. She wanted to go back to the doctor, but she relied on social workers to make appointments for her and said they were blowing off her requests. And most days, she suffered debilitating headaches.

Tori Ferenc—INSTITUTE for TIMEBerivan, Hanan’s 10-year-old daughter, at home.

A trauma therapist came once a week to the shelter for a group session with the women, but Hanan usually wasn’t able to attend because of the children. And she didn’t want to talk about her experiences in front of the other women. When she slept, nightmares came. One night she dreamed she was back in captivity and an ISIS fighter was trying to take her oldest daughter, Haneya. Hanan woke herself and the children up with her screams. The older girls talked about their time in captivity often and sometimes had nightmares too. “They’re not like normal kids,” Hanan said. “When it’s nighttime, they ask me, ‘Mama, do you think Daesh is going to come to get us?’”

A year earlier, around six months after her arrival, that nightmare had become reality. She was out shopping for food when she spotted him. He had trimmed his hair and beard, and exchanged his tunic for a blue T-shirt. But it was him—the ISIS member who had been her captor for a month.

She stared, frozen in place. He saw her, too: His eyes widened in recognition and surprise. Panic shot through her and then her feet were moving, carrying her out of the store and around the corner. By the time she went to the police, he was gone. She said they treated her as if she had mistaken a random refugee for her former tormenter. But she knew what she saw. “How could I forget the face of the man who raped me?”

Germany was supposed to be a sanctuary. Now, inside the old hospital walls was the only place Hanan felt safe. She rarely ventured out, remembering threats from her captors that they would find her if she ran away.

She worried the man she’d spotted might come back to harm them. The only identifying information she could give police was his nom de guerre. And though police were stationed outside the shelter for some time after she made the report, Markus Burger, head of the department for refugees and resettlement in the town’s social office, said his office eventually received a report stating there was no direct threat. The police referred questions about the incident to the federal public prosecutor, and a spokesman for the prosecutor said the office was aware of the incident but could not comment further. At least one other woman in the program saw her own captor in Germany, and she later returned to Iraq because she no longer felt safe.

Hanan couldn’t understand why the police couldn’t find the man. She began to see threats anywhere she went. Muslim people speaking Arabic terrified her. Once at a park with her children, a bearded man on a bench called out to her. Though she had never seen him before, she was afraid. She gathered the children and rushed back to the shelter.

Tori Ferenc—INSTITUTE for TIMEOranges in Hanan’s kitchen.

Yazidis are no strangers to trauma. The religious minority has endured centuries of persecution and attacks, from the Ottoman empire to Saddam Hussein to Al Qaeda. Jan Kizilhan, an expert in psychotraumatology and transcultural psychotherapy who was the program’s chief psychologist, was born to a Yazidi family in Turkey and immigrated to Germany as a child. Survivors of ISIS captivity are dealing not only with their own individual trauma from the violence and family separation they endured, he said, but also the historical trauma borne by their people, and the collective trauma from ISIS’s attempted genocide.

But after the women arrived in Germany as part of the program, trauma therapy wasn’t a top priority. At first, most of the refugees were focused on adjusting to life in Germany, said Kizilhan. They were also following the situation back home, where a multinational coalition was wrestling territory away from ISIS. With every victory, Yazidi families waited for news of their missing relatives, hoping they would not be among the bodies discovered in mass graves. Most had family members in camps, and others still in captivity. They weren’t ready to work through past trauma in therapy, because it was still part of their present.

There was another, more basic, obstacle to treatment: Most of the women were unfamiliar with the concept of psychotherapy. “To even help them understand why they would need this or how it would help, it takes time,” said Kizilhan. In many Middle Eastern cultures, including the Yazidi community, psychological trauma is often expressed somatically, he explained — many women complained of a burning liver, headaches, or stomachaches when the root was a psychological, rather than physiological, problem.

In 2017 and 2018, Tübingen University Hospital and the University of Freiburg, which were also involved in psychotherapeutic care for program participants, carried out surveys of 116 of the women in the program. Ninety-three percent of those surveyed fulfilled the diagnostic criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder during the first survey, and the number remained the same a year later. That makes the fact that just 40% of the women have received trauma therapy, years after their arrival, striking.

But Kizilhan insists the figure does not represent a failure. Some women simply don’t want therapy, he says, and it can’t be forced. He expects that an additional third of the women will be ready for therapy in the coming years. “And then we will be there to help them,” he says. “Each person is individual, different, and needs different timing.” The state decided to cover the cost of the womens’ healthcare indefinitely—initial plans were to foot the bill for three years—after it spent only €60 million ($71 million) of the allocated €95 million ($113 million) on the program.

Kizilhan acknowledges the challenges, including finding enough therapists and translators to work with the women. Kizilhan and Blume, who led the Special Quota project, say the program was an emergency intervention, and that a more long-term solution is building capacity for mental health care in Iraq. The state of Baden Württemberg has put resources toward that, too—donating €1.3 million ($1.5 million) to help establish the first master’s program for psychotherapy in Iraq, started by Kizilhan at the University of Duhok in 2017.

Kizilhan and Blume say the program in Germany has been successful despite the challenges. In the Tübingen University study, 91% of the women surveyed said they were satisfied to be in Germany, and 85% said they were satisfied with the program. When asked if they were satisfied with the psychosocial care, the number who said yes dropped to 72%. Hanan was among those who found it lacking.

Her struggle to access medical care and therapy were two of the ways she felt let down by the program. For her first three years in Germany, Hanan received minimal therapy, even though she wanted it. She rarely attended the group sessions, both because she found them unhelpful and because of the ongoing childcare issues. She said she was not offered individual sessions. Burger said when social workers saw some women were unhappy with group sessions, they arranged for individual therapy, and Hanan began talking with a therapist every few weeks. She said it helped a little, but she felt the same after each session.

***

On a Wednesday in July 2018, Hanan left German class early to shop for food. Before leaving home, she pulled on a fitted black blazer over her beige shirt and leggings. The clothes were new; she had recently cast aside the long, dark skirts and sweaters that she had worn ever since her escape for a more modern wardrobe. Friends had urged her to make the switch, teasing her that she dressed like she was still living under ISIS. Hanan walked to the store, passing traditional timber-frame buildings and window boxes overflowing with geraniums and petunias. She spotted a friend outside the supermarket and stopped to chat before buying chicken legs and vegetables. Managing the family’s budget alone—something she had never done in Iraq—was challenging. Sometimes she didn’t have enough money at the end of the month.

Two years on from encountering her former captor, the town was beginning to feel less threatening, though Hanan still didn’t like going out at night. She attended German language class four mornings a week. She’d never learned how to read or write as a child, so learning German was doubly hard, but she was making slow progress. She was also making a few German friends, and she’d found a way to decipher their text messages even though she couldn’t read. When she received a message, she’d paste it into the Google Translate app and press the audio button. A robotic voice would read it aloud and she’d reply via voice note.

Back at home, she put a pot of rice on the stove and began browning the chicken, preoccupied by the logistics of her upcoming trip to Iraq to visit her husband, Hadi. She’d learned through her social worker that her stipend would be paused while she was away, and Hanan wasn’t sure how she would make it through the month without the money.

It would be the second time she had to travel to see Hadi. (The women were admitted as humanitarian refugees, rather than asylum seekers, which spared them the process of applying for asylum and meant they were allowed to return to visit family in Iraq, unlike asylum holders.) Saber, now four, had spent most of his life separated from his father, and didn’t recognize him. The girls no longer even missed him. He was becoming a faraway memory.

Two and a half years had now gone by since she left Iraq, well past the two years after which Hadi had been promised he could apply for a visa. Hanan’s social worker helped her file papers related to his visa application. But whenever Hanan asked what was happening, she was given the same answer: Not yet.

What she didn’t know was that Germany’s position toward refugees had shifted. The welcoming stance the country adopted when more than a million people poured into the country seeking asylum in 2015 had hardened amid a backlash fueled by far-right anti-immigration parties. When he interviewed the women in 2015, and told them their husbands could apply for a visa after two years, Kizilhan was in line with the rules at the time. But now laws governing refugees and family unification visas were tightened. German courts even began ruling against Yazidis who requested asylum, saying it was safe for them to go back to Iraq.

To date, no husbands of women in the Special Quota Project have received visas. It’s hard to know how many are waiting: Kizilhan says he has identified 18. According to the study, 28 percent of the women surveyed had husbands in Iraq.

Read More: Syrian Women Are Embracing Their New Lives in Germany. But At What Cost?

A spokesman for the Baden Württemberg Ministry of Interior, Digitalization and Migration said that “special rules” apply to family reunifications for those granted humanitarian admission, and may only be allowed “for reasons of human rights, on humanitarian grounds or to protect political interests.” The special rules “must be considered on a case by case basis,” he said, and added the federal authorities are responsible for issuing visas, not the state.

Kizilhan said the ministry could intervene to make sure the family members are issued visas. But the political will behind the creation of the Special Quota Project has evaporated. In January, Kizilhan said he had recently met with state interior ministry officials to ask that they find a way to bring the husbands to Germany, but that they told him the change in federal law made it difficult to do so. “This is ridiculous,” Kizilhan says. “If you can take 1,100 with the special quota, you can take 18 people in one day.”

On trips back to Iraq, Kizilhan said he’s been confronted by husbands demanding answers, and is distressed that the state has not followed through. He notes that bringing the women’s immediate family to Germany would improve their psychological health—the goal of the program—by helping to reduce post-traumatic stress symptoms and easing their integration into society. Hanan often spoke of waiting for Hadi’s arrival to move into an apartment on her own. She was fearful of handling all the responsibilities of living in a new country without him. And she desperately needed help caring for the children, help she thought would be provided in the program. They’d spent a year separated from Hadi in captivity. Now, they were once again separated, once again waiting for their family to be reunited.

Tori Ferenc—INSTITUTE for TIMEHanan braiding her 11-year-old daughter Hanadi’s hair while Berivan, 10 (L) and Haneya, 13 (R) watch.

After Hanan’s visit to Iraq, months went by with no news about Hadi’s visa. They both began to despair that it would ever materialize, their frustration compounded by a dearth of information about the delay.

In the spring of 2019, after waiting three years, Hadi decided he could wait no longer. He borrowed money and set out for Germany along irregular migration routes. It took him eight months—he was detained in Greece on the way—but eventually he made it to Hanan. Their reunion, though, was far from perfect. After his arrival in Germany, the once-happy couple separated. Hanan would not discuss the details of their estrangement except to say that it took root because of their physical separation and left her distraught. He is now in a relationship with another woman and Hanan said he is not in touch with his children. His future in Germany is uncertain, too—it is unclear whether he will be permitted to stay.

Last summer Hanan moved into a light-filled two-bedroom furnished flat rented for her by the municipality in a quiet residential neighborhood. It’s decorated brightly in orange—a peach wall, tangerine dining chairs, an ochre shag carpet, and a sofa the color of carrots. While there’s a bunk bed in the kids’ room, they usually end up sleeping in Hanan’s king-size bed every night, a tangle of arms and legs. She was finally able to see a doctor to resolve her lingering gynecological health problem, although the daily headaches are still there. She’s no longer afraid of going out at night.

On a Sunday morning in January, she awoke late, groggy from hosting friends the night before. Saber, now six, and Sheelan, seven, plopped on the sofa to watch Tom and Jerry on the television as Hanan made bread in the kitchen. Squeezing small lumps off the dough, she quickly slapped each one from hand to hand, stretching it into a thin disc. In Iraq, she would have baked the loaves in an outdoor clay oven. Here, she used a small metal box oven, heated with an electric coil, placed on the countertop. She placed each loaf on top to let it brown, then baked it inside the oven before stacking the finished loaves on the windowsill.

When she was done, the children gathered at the table, scooping up fried eggs, yogurt, tahini, and cheese with the fresh bread. They chattered together in German; they rarely spoke Kurdish with one another anymore. Saber, impish and sensitive, speaks German with a near flawless accent. After breakfast, the three older girls clear the table, wash the dishes, and sweep the floor unbidden. Hanadi, now 11, and Berivan, now 10, both with round cheeks like their mother, are learning how to swim at school. Haneya, now 13, reads and translates the mail and types messages in German for her mother.

“Sometimes I look at my kids and think ‘OK, I’m all right.’ But I just feel bad,” Hanan said, lowering herself onto the sofa. “It’s a bad feeling inside of me, I don’t know how to explain it. Sometimes I want to hit myself, because of this bad feeling inside, and I don’t know how to deal with it. Many times I thought about killing myself, but then I remember my kids, that they need me.”

The situation with Hadi has her so upset she doesn’t think about ISIS anymore, Hanan said, adding that she doesn’t know what to do or where to turn. She’s spent hours crying with a Yazidi friend, another survivor, who lives nearby. That’s the closest she gets to therapy now.

After Hanan moved into the apartment, her therapy sessions ended. A few months later, social workers took her to an appointment at a new therapist’s office, but she hadn’t gone back. She said the appointment time of 7 p.m. was impossible as there was no one to watch the children at home. But she knows she needs help. “It’s too much for me,” she said. “I can’t hold all these problems alone.”

Read More: Is Germany Failing Female Refugees?

Burger, of the town’s department for refugees and resettlement, said that as more of the women moved into private apartments last year—all but 10 now live on their own—it became harder to arrange therapy sessions. Some therapists have waiting lists, and there is always the problem of timing, he said. “It’s difficult finding a time when the trauma therapist and the translator both are available, and also when someone can take care for the children, and when the German classes aren’t at the same time. But we are working on it.” He could not give a number for how many of the women in the town were undergoing therapy, saying it was constantly changing, but said therapy was available to all who wanted it. “We can only offer it,” he said. “In the end it is the decision of the women if they want to take part in the programs, and we don’t want to and can’t force anyone to take part.”

Hanan knows it was right to come to Germany. She’s better off than she would be in Iraq, where despite the territorial defeat of ISIS, most Yazidis are still displaced, and their future is uncertain. She feels safe now in Germany, and she can see bright futures for her children here.

But she can’t muster any of that hope for herself, not after losing Hadi. The darkness she had hoped to escape never went away. “Maybe I’m going to go crazy, or I’m going to kill myself. Maybe I won’t find a solution for myself except to die,” she said. “Now I’m 34, and I didn’t see any hope in my entire life. And for the future also, I don’t have any hope. Only God knows.”

—With reporting by Navin Haji Semo and Madeline Roache

Reporting for this story was supported by a grant from the International Women’s Media Foundation Reporting Grants for Women’s Stories.

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cutsliceddiced · 4 years

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New top story from Time: A Radical German Program Promised a Fresh Start to Yazidi Survivors of ISIS Captivity. But Some Women Are Still Longing for Help

When Hanan escaped from Islamic State captivity, there wasn’t much to come back to.

Tori Ferenc—INSTITUTE for TIMESaber, six, and Sheelan, eight, playing on the bed.

Read More: He Helped Iraq’s Most Famous Refugee Escape ISIS. Now He’s the One Who Needs Help

Tori Ferenc—INSTITUTE for TIMEBerivan, Hanan’s 10-year-old daughter, at home.

Tori Ferenc—INSTITUTE for TIMEOranges in Hanan’s kitchen.

***

Read More: Syrian Women Are Embracing Their New Lives in Germany. But At What Cost?

Tori Ferenc—INSTITUTE for TIMEHanan braiding her 11-year-old daughter Hanadi’s hair while Berivan, 10 (L) and Haneya, 13 (R) watch.

Read More: Is Germany Failing Female Refugees?

—With reporting by Navin Haji Semo and Madeline Roache

Reporting for this story was supported by a grant from the International Women’s Media Foundation Reporting Grants for Women’s Stories.

via https://cutslicedanddiced.wordpress.com/2018/01/24/how-to-prevent-food-from-going-to-waste

#Time #top stories #IFTTT #news

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thedivinefish · 4 years

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TGIWednesday and party like it's MY birthday

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Today is my birthday and yes, this is how I feel as my g'daughter Charlie represents another year has come and gone! Where does it go? I have a movie star client that always says, “The days are long but the years fly by!” The ultimate lessons that I have learned over time are as my sweet momma always said, “I don’t do rush.” So slow it down a bit and don’t hurry up into anything or anyone! Know that I appreciate you and every birthday. I am now making every effort to receive personal self-care, whether it’s a haircut/massage/reading or other. And with all of my birthdays I like to treat others...

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"Good morning Jimmy, When I woke up early this morning my cat still hadn't come home. So I got dressed and went to go look for her. After 45-min and feeling into where she was, I stood at a spot quietly calling (as it still was really early) and suddenly she started meowing from somewhere and found her way to me. After a bit of saying hello, she led the way home. So, she's back and I'm happy ;) Thanks for the session and assistance yesterday. It helped a lot!" - Nicky

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Tampa Office Sessions

FRIDAY KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS

Friday sessions are back to being phone-only for folks that I usually see at Kodawari until further notice. You can book time with me in the shop and schedule online. 3965 Henderson Blvd Suite C Tampa ☎️ (813) 999-1874 http://www.kodawariyoga.com/

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

The Certificate of Mastery Program includes 2 best-selling ebooks and 2 clearing audios plus written & video instructions, AND one-on-one time with Jimmy ALL for about the cost of a single 1-hr session! This online course is for anyone who is familiar with OR new to "fishing" and is ready to dive into the deep end & get results that are beyond the ordinary! It includes The Tackle Box & The Dowser's Handbook ebooks PLUS 2 MP3s "Clearing Dark Energies" & "Increasing Your Intuition" to help clear, strengthen and prepare your energy field for optimal “fishing” results. This is a work-at-your-own-pace curriculum that will TEACH & CLEAR you at the same time! In under 2wks you will be finished with the program and ready to fish on your own with greater results! Level II offers Practitioner Certification for those who qualify.

LEARN MORE HERE

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

For those who aren't familiar, here's the list of the MyBeliefWorks™ audio library.

Find a topic that addresses your issue(s), click on the link to read more. We had a lot of help downloading & channeling these over the years & they keep getting better. Don't forget... you can share these with you immediate friends and family.

Abundance Abuse Addiction Body Scan: Head to Toe COVID-19 Daily GPS Reset Dark Energies/Fears Decision Making Diet & Exercise Education & Learning Family & Relatives The Gold Coin Healing Physical Body Healing Mental Stress Holiday Stress

Increasing Intuition IRS & Tax Time Love & Romance Money Mindset Moving Forward Pain Relief Pet Healing Sales & Success Improving Sex Improving Sleep Traveling w/Ease Work & Career Weight Loss Windfall Youth & Vitality

TGIFunny

Forward

Jimmy Mack | Appointments Skype: Jimmy.Mack55 Clearwater Florida USA Book a 15 minute session Book a 30 minute session Book a 60 minute session Transformational Healing of Body, Mind & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations! Download the My Liquid Fish® Starter Kit (*Updated May 2019) Audio MP3 Downloads and books to improve your life! Get Certified in My Liquid Fish® Change Made Simple® Watch Free Videos on YouTube Weekly Radio Show Archives Shop for Supplements http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com www.jimmymackhealing.com Copyright ©1998-2020 All Rights Reserved

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com

Stay connected!

Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

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divinefishingtips · 4 years

Text

TGIWednesday and party like it's MY birthday

TGIWednesday News

Get Jimmy's Bday19 Discount Here!

TGIWednesday Download

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

From the Fish Box

Monthly LIVE Zoom Event

Next MySwitchWorks Live Zoom Event Wednesday August 26th 7:30-8pm ET August: Themes of Loss

Have you recently suffered a loss of work, a loved one in spirit, lost innocence, lost health, lost youth and vitality?

LIVE Appearances - Free Healing

Thursday Sept. 23rd - The Global Gathering

The Jimmy Mack Healing Show

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

Tampa Office Sessions

FRIDAY KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

LEARN MORE HERE

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

For those who aren't familiar, here's the list of the MyBeliefWorks™ audio library.

TGIFunny

Forward

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com

Stay connected!

Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

0 notes

365dailyaffirmations · 4 years

Text

TGIWednesday and party like it's MY birthday

TGIWednesday News

Get Jimmy's Bday19 Discount Here!

TGIWednesday Download

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

From the Fish Box

Monthly LIVE Zoom Event

Next MySwitchWorks Live Zoom Event Wednesday August 26th 7:30-8pm ET August: Themes of Loss

Have you recently suffered a loss of work, a loved one in spirit, lost innocence, lost health, lost youth and vitality?

LIVE Appearances - Free Healing

Thursday Sept. 23rd - The Global Gathering

The Jimmy Mack Healing Show

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

Tampa Office Sessions

FRIDAY KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

LEARN MORE HERE

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

For those who aren't familiar, here's the list of the MyBeliefWorks™ audio library.

TGIFunny

Forward

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com

Stay connected!

Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

0 notes

advancedthetapractitioner · 4 years

Text

TGIWednesday and party like it's MY birthday

View this email online

TGIWednesday News

Get Jimmy's Bday19 Discount Here!

TGIWednesday Download

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

From the Fish Box

Monthly LIVE Zoom Event

Next MySwitchWorks Live Zoom Event Wednesday August 26th 7:30-8pm ET August: Themes of Loss

Have you recently suffered a loss of work, a loved one in spirit, lost innocence, lost health, lost youth and vitality?

LIVE Appearances - Free Healing

Thursday Sept. 23rd - The Global Gathering

The Jimmy Mack Healing Show

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

Tampa Office Sessions

FRIDAY KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

LEARN MORE HERE

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

For those who aren't familiar, here's the list of the MyBeliefWorks™ audio library.

TGIFunny

Forward

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com

Stay connected!

Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

0 notes