#i am halfway to death if i'm lucky

[americanphancakes]

I wanna talk about my mind for a little bit

I was gonna save this until after I posted the last Wingless Angel chapter but I can’t post it yet. Pretty sure my mind wants me to get this out of my system first.

So hi everyone, how are you? How have you been? Honestly if you’re still following at all I’m delighted.

I don’t want this to come across as some excuse for all the unfinished fanfic I left behind 3+ years ago, which is why I wanted to publish WA first, so I hope you don’t take it that way. But I ended up stumbling upon an aspect of my mental health that I’m still trying to address and since I never really saw anyone post or talk about my particular issue before very recently, I wanted to share it in case it resonates with anyone.

(Clearly stuff has changed, this is where I'd normally put a "read more" but.... I guess that's not a thing anymore?? Hopefully this isn't a huge annoying wall of text on everyone's dash, oof.)

I’ve posted before about my ADHD. I’ve been getting treatment for it for 10 years now, and for all that time, medication & other coping mechanisms have been helpful to a point, but only to a point. There was still something left that was keeping me from functioning, and I couldn’t tell what it was. All I knew was that I had no will of my own, and I’d spent the last 10 years trying to create situations where the people in charge were asking (or implying that i should do) things I considered good to do. “People in charge” meant anyone besides myself. If someone was not me, they automatically had authority, simply by virtue of being someone external to me.

I did a lot of research trying to find something that matched up with my experiences & feelings, even partially, and I looked into things like PDA autism and even just the people-pleasing habits common with other ADHD folks.

At some point, with therapy, I did learn how to say “no” to other people’s demands of me. I learned to set boundaries. But I was still profoundly uncomfortable with dictating what I was going to do, especially if anyone else was ever going to be aware of it.

When I was a little kid, i was told “no” constantly, and that’s not hyperbole. I’ve cited the story many times of falling in love with the violin when I was 9 but immediately being told “No, you’re going to play the flute.” So I played the flute, but without any passion for it I couldn’t figure it out and I quit, and my mom never stopped making me feel guilty about it. But that wasn’t the only example of that kind of thing. I wanted to play soccer; mom said play basketball, so I played basketball. I wanted to play piano; mom bought me a guitar and my sister got the electronic keyboard. (We eventually switched, but I never felt like I could fully commit to playing the thing). I wanted to learn Spanish or Japanese in high school; mom told me to learn French, so I took four fucking years of French.

My feelings and wishes were effectively not a factor in what I was allowed to do, what goals I was allowed to pursue, unless I was staying in my room and out of everyone’s way (and even then I had to make sure I jumped up to do what was asked of me if I got called from another room). Eventually I learned, as a survival mechanism, to just obey. It wasn’t worth fighting anymore because I was systematically robbed of my individuality at every turn. Something happened when I was 13 that I will never talk about publicly and she played "good parent who has her kid's back" for about 5 minutes before siding with the bad guy. I brought it up years later and she was mad I'd never gotten over it. And all that is on top of being raised to be a "good little capitalist drone" who needs to be perfect and efficient at all times. I was never supported. I was never given grace. So I never gave grace to myself, because if your own parents don't give you grace & time to learn and be flawed, then clearly you don't deserve any, right?

I finally cut my mother out of my life not long after the pandemic began, a few months after having gone no-contact from my father (mostly due to his casual racism & transphobia, which cost me at least one very close friendship when I was a kid, and was unkind to my child in a way I could not abide). My immediate family - spouse and kid - are the only family I have left now. And it sounds tragic on paper, because it is, but until I finally got away from my mother's voice in real life I couldn't filter through the recordings of her voice in my mind so I could finally throw them away. And that knot is still being untied. Honestly this is 10 years into a very long mental health journey, when you think about it, but I wish I'd cut my mom out of my life a very very long time ago. I wasn't angry about lost time when I got my ADHD diagnosis. I was angry about it when I realized that yes, this had been abuse, and I hadn't been courageous enough to get away from it sooner.

Because that dehumanization resulted in me having no will power of my own, and that extended as far as simply not wanting anything anymore. I like things, sure, but anything I WANTED for myself was out of the question, especially if it involved other people in any way, but honestly even solo pursuits became impossible for me to will myself to do. For right now, when I have something I want to do, I'm telling my friends & husband to order me to do it. Because I won't do it otherwise. And it's a potentially dangerous workaround, but it's all I have for now. I and my therapist are hoping that once my brain registers that what other people are telling me to do is aligned with what I want to do, maybe it won't depend on other people's commands anymore and I'll just take control of my own life for once. But that may not work. I'll have to wait and see.

So what does this have to do with my abandoned fics? Well, it had started to become more difficult to write because the adhd "shinyness" was wearing off anyway, but I'd been doing a good job of pushing past it because people liked what I was writing. I could see my skill getting better, and engagement was going up, and that was really motivating. But then... I stopped writing fic all of a sudden because someone made a post about finding it shitty when writers wrote about COVID in their fics, and.... that was sort of a last straw that broke me, because I do exactly that in the last WA chapter. So I just turned tail and ran away. I tried to push through and write & publish the chapter anyway, because it was the LAST chapter and I knew people were waiting on it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Even having OSBB obligations didn't get me writing again, and given that obligation, the shame I felt about not having finished those stories weighed on me so badly that I couldn't even interact with you guys on Instagram, despite you having been so kind to me in the past. Let's face it, that goes WAY beyond adhd rejection sensitivity, that's a trauma response. I saw one bit of honestly well-reasoned critique of work that wasn't even mine, and I just ran. Immediately I felt like I was no longer allowed to take up space here. I felt unwelcome here in this corner of the internet world, just as I have always felt like I wasn't allowed to take up space in the physical world for almost my ENTIRE life. And the shame I already feel about myself normally was compounded by what I felt was a cowardly thing to do, which prevented me from returning. Now that I've accepted that, yes, I am an abuse victim whose life has been MASSIVELY and MAJORLY affected by that childhood trauma, I'm finally able to address it properly. Over the last few weeks I've been changing the direction of my therapy and my self-talk (reparenting yourself is HARD) and I'm feeling some improvement, but progress isn't linear so my burst of motivation the other night fizzled out, and I'm genuinely sorry for that.

So... yeah, I'm trying to come back and get those fics finished. I'm grateful for any of you willing to be patient with me. Consciously I KNOW I deserve any support willingly given to me by any of you, but I FEEL like I don't. So yeah. Thanks. <3

#long post #me irl #i'm sure i had a tag for original posts but i dont' know wtf it was #it's been awhile #I'm too damn old to already have so many regrets #i'm mourning a lot of goals i had once that are no longer options #or even things i'm not as interested in doing anymore #like i'm still sad i didn't do them in the first place even tho i don't wanna do them now #but some stuff i really do want to do #and i hope to regrow my childhood will power soon enough that i can do them #cuz yeah there is a proper midlife crisis going on now #i am halfway to death if i'm lucky #and my life has never been my own #so i'm trying to seize it back but it is really hard to do #I feel like tumblr is the only site that would know where this post is coming from #anywhere else i know it'd just be seen as a sob story excuse or something #i mostly just wanted anyone who's been an abuse victim in a similar way to realize that that's what it is #because i resisted accepting it for so long #and it cost me so much time

[deatheatet]

Okay so hear me out. This randomly popped into my head and won't leave so I just HAVE to write it before I DO forget it

Mo'at was bothered. Very bothered. None of the clan knew why,Kiri didn't know and that was unusual. Kiri has a knack for knowing things that she shouldn't, wasn't told or just before it happened. Yet not even this little blessing from Eywa knew why her grandmother seemed so upset and on edge recently. Many assumed she was simply mourning Eytukan,her mate and precious Ole'ektan. the anniversary of his death was very soon,it as always hurt her severely to remember the pain of that day. She lost her home but worse her mate...felt his pain....felt his breathing slow....felt his heart stop. She had broken down halfway away from Hometree's remains with a broken and broken hearted scream that day. Mo'at knew what they were assuming her strangeness was,yet as much as it was painful time,that was not it. The problem is that Spider,the young human child left behind,had yet to come visit the clan or Kiri in almost a week now. It was a concerning thing for her as the boy was rarely away from the clan or Kiri,the others came but the boy was not ever with them. The first two days wasn't bad, perhaps he had no mask to use,but as the days turned to a week she was concerned about the young human child. She knew she likely should not have felt as protective of the boy as if he were one of her grandchildren but she could not help it. So one day she eventually decided "To Hell With It"(She learned this from Jake) and went to Hells Gate herself to check on Spider.

When she got there she ducked down pulling a mask over her mouth and started looking for Norm,or Max, whichever was there and knew where the boy was.

"Oh. Spider's not been allowed to leave cause he got sick a bit ago"Mary,a woman Mo'at thought did not deserve the human boy as her son...the woman was...a worthless mother to him, Mo'at considered this the highest possible insult which from her it truly was and she had a good reason for this thought train. Mo'at frowned and sighed "What is he sick with?" Mary shrugged and responded "We don't know actually. Probably a Na'vi disease of some sort. not the flu but something else"Mo'at blinked slowly before it officially registered. Mary jumped back shocked and a little scared when Mo'at hissed at her.

"And you did not think to ask me!" Mo'at was a normally calm and reasonable Na'vi but this put out a mother's rage, because the idiots didn't think to as TSAHIK what type of Na'vi sickness the small human might have.

"We didn't want to bother you about him but he's in the room 231 down the hall in the med bay. It's beside the area where avatars first wake up."Mary took multiple fearful steps back and Mo'at hissed at her once more before find the room spider was in. the room was small but thankfully tall enough Mo'at could crouch like she would at the clan dinner and keep her head straight up. The worst rage,only the kind that could belong to a mother,hit her with the full force ond power of Eywa. The tiny human boy who was 6-7 at least was laying on the bed with bruises from needles all over his arms,and IV in one arm where there was already a black bruise in the crease of his elbow,he was pale and very very sick (The boy had tear streaks and red eyes,he looked at her and a sad weak smile came on his face.

"Hi Tsahik" he said in a broken,dry,and pain filled version of his usual happy go lucky voice.

"Hi little one. "She responded moving beside the bed and sat with her legs bent out to the side. She smiled gently and soothing.

"Why did you come to see me?" The poor little one asked her

"I was concerned as to why my granddaughter's favorite little human had not come to see us in a while"

"Sorry I worried you, Tsahik. when you leave in a minute tell Kiri I'm sorry to"Spider said

Mo'at watched him for a moment and took his small hand in her much larger one.

"I am not leaving little one,not until you are better and healed"

Spider watched her with a look of pure happiness in his eyes and started crying as best he could

Mo'at leaned up and hugged him softly letting him bury his small face in her neck while she cradled him gently,she felt his weak little hand clinging to her shawl.

After a while like that spider fell asleep and Mo'at sat there holding his hand. She knew most of the clan was wondering where their Tsahik was and that it wouldn't be long until her daughter or Son in law came to look for her. She didn't care though. This poor child was being put through absolute hell and pain because he was sick and his own species was stupid. Mary came in with another needle and got close to spider before Mo'at snarled at her and smacked the needle out of her hand and knocked Mary half way across the room in the process

"OUT. Or I will hurt you" Mo'at snarled through her bared fangs

Mary immediately left and told the others, they all tried but received the same thing except Nash tried and said something, whatever it was, Mo'at actually threw him across the room so hard he got a concussion. Norm decided no more needles now that he and Max knew about this. Norm poked his head in and saw Mo'at Leaning on the edge of the bed near Spider's head while he weakly watched a movie,The Looney Tunes,and gently stroking his soft blonde curls.

"Hey big guy,How's everything going?"Norm asked Gently but kept on the other side of the room. Mo'at looked up ready to snarl but stopped realizing it was Norm.

After Spider talked to Norm for a while and fell asleep,Norm started talking to Mo'at. Norm said he'd bring her healing equipment to her so she could take care of Spider and watch over him if she had to leave. It went like that for a few days,but Spider was a million times better with Mo'at taking care of him than the scientists,he was moving more, laughing,his voice was back to normal. Anyway Jake decided to go look for her since the clan hadn't seen her in a few days,when he was told he went to the room and found a surprising scene.

Mo'at was sitting with her legs to the side and bent slightly laying her head on her right arm which was bent, asleep,and her left hand laying face up with Spider's smaller one holding her three fingers. He was asleep and so was she but Jake heard about Mo'at's threats and aggression to sthe scientists that weren't Norm and Max so he left them be, wondering what that was about.

#mo'at #Spider #spider socorro #miles socorro #jake sully #Nash Mcorsker #Mary Mcorsker #norm spellman #max patel #Kiri Sully #eytukan

[xxlovelynovaxx]

I am so fucking enraged right now.

Everything I have ever learned about MCAS has been from other people with MCAS. Triggers, treatment protocol, secondary symptoms (and even sometimes primary ones), everything.

I am going on four years since I first started seeing allergists for this specific symptom set.

Not ONE has done more than a basic scratch and blood test and then told me to come back in six months if I'm "still experiencing symptoms". I got LUCKY that my pcp at the time was willing to do a urine tryptase test and also knew that a negative result wouldn't disprove MCAS. But she still completely didn't understand exactly how ignorant and lazy allergists in the area are and seems to think it's my fault I haven't gotten a diagnosis yet (I know I delay scheduling appointments because of my trauma, but that's also a fucking disability, Laura.)

They've prescribed me albuterol inhalers for my asthma, which I just found out TODAY is a major trigger.

I've had to rely mainly on the SIGHI food lost plus gauging my own reactions for what's safe to eat, and between that and sensory issues and being too disabled to make food I have to live in a constant state of reaction anyway and just manage it to try and go at least a month or two between ER visits for IV prednisone because I react to the inactive ingredients in the pills - and I've started reacting to something in the IV form too.

I'm sick ALL THE TIME and the worst part is statistically I'm not even halfway through the average time it takes to receive a diagnosis, let alone start treatment. I live in an area with two allergist practices that take Medicaid, and neither knows the first thing about MCAS.

One told me the only treatment was albuterol inhaler, flonase, and h1 and h2 blockers - never mentioning cromolyn sodium, montelukast, xolair, quercetin, or any of the other options past the first line that was already not working for me. I rely on quercetin and DAO enzyme from amazon (the DAO enzyme they don't have a ton of scientific proof of efficacy yet, but it seems to be working and even if that's placebo effect it doesn't seem to be HURTING).

They tell me to avoid my triggers but don't even themselves know what those triggers even LIKELY are (what foods are high in histamine, that exercise and heat are triggers, etc).

I am doing all the work of researching what tests have to be ordered, what the results would be to prove MCAS, what treatments are most effective and in what order you try them, all while having to pander to and tiptoe around a fancy signature in a lab coat's ego while they prescribe me things that are actively making me sick to the point they are effectively poisoning me.

I have to bend over backwards while also dealing with my severe (and ongoing!) medical trauma just to get doctors to not do what is allegedly the OPPOSITE of their jobs. I'm trying to get the lifesavers to actively not kill me through their own negligence and ignorance.

Doctors are lifesavers like the police are here to fucking protect and serve. If I ever hear another person refer to a medical professional as an "angel" I'll assume they mean "angel of death".

This isn't just one doctor, either. Every primary care provider I've ever seen, every specialist... I had my latest pcp FLIPPANTLY tell me "oh western medicine isn't really good at dealing with chronic issues. If you have strep or a perfed bowel, we know how to fix that, but otherwise you're basically SOL."

I'm only paraphrasing the last fucking acronym. The rest of it is word for word, I just can't remember the exact phrasing for that last acronym but it was the exact same meaning in slightly more "professional" wording.

On a related note, I fought doctors to get a wheelchair for my POTS until I gave up and only happened to luck into a charity that provided me one I could at least be pushed in, though I can't self-propel it. They kept trying to send me to physical therapy - which with how sensitive I am MCAS-wise to ANY exercise, could very well have made me worse.

Actually scratch that it would have bc just getting to the car and back two blocks away (city living) without doing anything else is enough to flare me for days. Doctors are apparently allergic to taking accessibility into account when treating disabled people. /bitter

I just... truly want to burn doctors as a profession and as people to the ground. It's a profession so deeply hostile to disabled and chronically ill people as the standard while purporting and being celebrated and being paid big bucks for at best doing jack shit and at worst actively killing us. I'd say "I could avoid crawling under the bar which is fucking UNDERGROUND if I were a doctor" but the fucked up thing is the system is literally set up to not just disincentivize doing so, but to actively prevent it and weed it out.

There are no good doctors like there are no good cops, because the good ones are either forced to quit or leave.

This is why I call myself anti-phys. Because I'm so pro-ACTUAL MEDICINE like you wouldn't believe. With human bias as removed as possible from the actual science, with disabled and chronically ill people being the first and foremost priority of every aspect of every medical and medical-adjacent profession - yeah, I ADORE good, accurate medical science. I want to fucking do medical research as a fucking career! I'm not against (consensual) treatment methods involving anything from medication to physical therapy to any other methodologies we know!

It's doctors serving only to gatekeep care and medical knowledge as a profession, who have absolute life and death power over disabled people and wield diagnoses like weapons as tools to discredit us and cover up their own neglect and abuse of us. It's the way the science is so incredibly biased and that this is in part because medical professions are designed to be inaccessible and hostile to disabled people as an integral part of the whole system. It's that the medical profession serves to uphold structural ableism and is built with that rot at its very core.

I have these fucking hellish chronic illnesses that continue to be fucking degenerative as a result of information purposely being kept from being disseminated and treatment being withheld, and if doctors were what their image portrays, I would have them minimally well-managed, if not some of them in remission.

These diseases are stealing years of my life away from me that I will NEVER get back, and doctors are in all actuality basically aiding and abetting them in doing so more effectively. It's beyond the cruelest of satire. It's beyond inhumane. It's eugenicist and more than borderline genocidal.

How much do I have to say: I'm terrified. I can't do this. I can't keep returning to people essentially mass-produced on a fucked up assembly line to oppress and harm people like me to beg them to this time not try to kill me and to instead do what is supposed to be their jobs. I don't have any fight left in me to do so.

I can't keep returning to the people responsible for upholding a system which strips me of my single most fundamental rights - to life and health - along with every right needed to guarantee those; and prostrating myself before them to the point my nose and forehead leaves a gouge in the floor, just to desperately plead for my life and find it weighed unworthy against their egos.

I can't advocate for myself against my very literal abusers anymore. I've been beaten down one too many times. At least this way, it's only lack of treatment that's making me sicker, and not active abuse and trauma which is retriggered and all those lovely things (/sarcasm on the word lovely). At least this way, I'm not getting my hopes up like a damn fool that maybe this time they won't hurt me, maybe this time they'll treat me the way they promised, maybe this time the same exact mass-produced abuser wearing a hundred thousand faces will treat me right.

(And don't even get me started on how the very literal definitional gaslighting of traumatized people and especially people traumatized by oppression and marginalization, the assigning of the labels of "crazy" and "irrational" and not reliable narrators on the harm and abuse they've experienced factors into all of this.

If you decide that trauma means people aren't actually capable of reliably determining an actual threat and that they're all jumping at shadows you can ironically use the label of traumatized to argue that victims are never experiencing any actual further trauma, and even honestly in a bizarre contradictory twist of logic that they never experienced any in the first place and it's ALL just a nebulous abstract sickness of the mind.)

I mean this purely in a metaphorical sense, but it feels easier to just lay down and let these illnesses take the rest of my life from me slowly. It doesn't hurt as much to bleed to death from a million tiny papercuts as it does to be repeatedly STABBED and then the worst of the wounds cauterized so I only bleed as much as a papercut from most of them, all while the papercuts continue and some of the stabs are left a leaking faucet to both drag me to death quicker and to steal my time by driving me out of my mind with sickness and agony.

I feel hopeless. I'm in a constant state of re-grieving, and being helplessly angry and impotent in part by virtue of both the physical illness and the trauma, and being triggered and retriggered and retriggered, and feeling hopelessness and despair, and holding on to a thinning thread of hope that is little more than fading light slipping through my fingers, and you know?

Of it all, the hope hurts worst. It keeps driving me to dash myself against the same fucking rocks as if anything will change. Chronically ill people are so often labeled insane, but isn't the definition of insanity doing the same visits to a god complex with a stethoscope over and over again and expecting different results?

Then I remember the entire communities of medical professionals fakeclaiming people with specifically my illnesses and calling us attention-seekers and drug-seekers and making fun of us for "thinking" we might have anything other than a "psychiatric" ailment (read: "crazy") while our bodies crumble around us. I remember that this is normal and even encouraged. And I think that it really is easier just to take comfort in despair, and stop torturing myself with this imaginary ideal of my illnesses actually being treated by doctors.

I think it's probably not possible to ever be healthy, because it's doctors job to stand at the gates of health and not let anyone in from our side.

Can't have us challenging what it means to be healthy, after all.

#ableism #sanism #discourse #anti phys

[captainninej]

shadow and bone season 2 thoughts!!

me and my sister finally finished season 2 of shadow and bone last night and HOLY SHIT. despite everyone shitting on it for some reason, i actually fucking loved it!! there were some absolutely incredible moments and overall i think they did a really good job blending the books; some decisions i may have slight reservations about but i can see the logic behind each of them from a writing perspective (except for maybe one of them, which i'll talk about later). every single character got their moment and i don't think anyone can say that there was a single flaw on the acting side. these actors BECAME their characters and we are so so lucky we got such an amazing cast, who care about their characters this much!!

SPOILERS BELOW

things i liked:

Alina's storyline. i actually have not read the original trilogy past halfway through siege & storm, but i know what happens in the books and how her story ends. jessie mei li gave alina her absolute all in this season and i thought she did an incredible job. i like how she got a bit messy and power-hungry, doubted herself and her leadership, snapped a few times. her reaction to mal being the third amplifier absolutely broke my heart AND THE SCENE IN THE FOLD WHERE THEY KISS AND IT ALL TURNS RED AND GLOWING WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. i also like how she's part of the grisha triumvirate (though david in my view 100% deserved to be there :( ) because her ending in the books to me would be really unsatisfying. she didn't go through all that shit to become a housewife. ALSO THE ENDING??? HER GOING KINDA BAT SHIT??? EVIL ALINA??? since i haven't read the books i actually don't know if this actually happened at some stage BUT I KIND OF LOVE IT FOR HER. i think if they can pull it off (and give me white haired alina i will die on this hill) it could be super cool, and not something we see in media very often, especially with female leads. without mal to ground her, i want to see how dark she can get.

Mal!!! someone is going to send me a death threat for this (which is very messed up how liking a character can cause someone to do that) but FUCK IT i like mal. i really love the humanity archie gives him, and his own little moments like paying the shop owner in novyi zem and bantering with nikolai. also his morozova storyline was done really well, and you can see how crushing it is for him to realise that he has to die for alina to succeed. also his outfits idk just really suit him? he really grounded alina throughout the season and i'm honestly not sure why it's a crime to like him. i think he's severely underrated and will hopefully be appreciated more in the years to come, just like how peeta was dragged for years but now everyone is starting to see how wonderful he always was. i also did not see his ending coming, but i really like it now that i think about it. his character has always been so attached to alina, and like he said, now that the morozova side of him is gone, he doesn't know who he is. while it was sad to see him say that he doesn't know if he loves alina anymore, i also really respect the 'choice not destiny' thing and how he wants to make sure that he loves her for her, beyond the amplifier bond they shared. it's been a common theme throughout his story that he's been forced to be a soldier his whole life, but has always just wanted to explore the world and now he gets to do that!! i like the idea of mal having his own adventures and his own leadership role beyond alina, and i think their relationship will be better for it.

NIKOLAI LANTSOV. listen my friend has been simping for this man since high school AND I UNDERSTAND WHY NOW. i've read the KoS duology and adored him but PATRICK FUCKING GIBSON LITERALLY ROSE RIGHT FROM THOSE PAGES AND BECAME NIKOLAI. i hope the girlies who trashed his casting are very embarrassed right now, this man was BORN to play nikolai. he was my highlight of the season and i think i am in love now. he fit in with the s1 cast seamlessly and provided the perfect bridge between the crows and the s&b gang. i am a little upset we didn't get any interactions between him and zoya, but we got some hints AND the demon king tease so i'm willing to wait for it in season 3 (another reason i will be fucking furious if this amazing show is cancelled).

KANEJ. KANEJJJJJJJJ. i, along with many others, was TERRIFIED that netflix would butcher their relationship. there were a few moments (the hallucination scene, the bandage scene, etc) that i couldn't even enjoy because i was so scared they would kiss or something. BUT they didn't, and now i can go back and actually enjoy the scenes because they did them so well!! they were perfectly in character and honoured the books amazingly. their bond was strengthened so much this season AND THE FINAL SCENE IN THE CHAPEL THE ENTIRE TIME I WAS JUST SAYING THE WORDS ALONG WITH THEM BECAUSE THEY WERE RIGHT FROM THE BOOK!!!! freddy and amita CARRIED and their chemistry is so good sometimes i felt like i needed to look away omg

kaz being the messy, anti-hero bitch he was born to be. i think a lot of people who haven't read six of crows who watched season 1 didn't really get the fuss about kaz, but i think they do now. they really masterfully unpacked his character and freddy absolutely blew it out of the water with his acting. they really did kaz justice and somehow ended up adapting crooked kingdom before six of crows but i get why they did, the ice court heist needs to be its own focus, and the parts from crooked kingdom that they cherry picked for this season were purely for character development that was really needed for the crows. i liked how the audience was left guessing just how far he would go, like the scene with albie. AND THE SCENE WITH PEKKA IN EPISODE FOUR HAD MY JAW ON THE FLOOR, IT WAS PERFECT. also him hating on wesper was fucking funny, and his dynamic with nina was EVERYTHING I WANTED

GENYA SAFIN MY BELOVED. this entire season had me rooting for her and wanting to jump into the screen and give her a gun. daisy head CARRIED, she did such an amazing job and had me literally sobbing. genya's story is so devastating but she's such a powerful and kind character who really got to be in the spotlight this season. she and nikolai and zoya are my favourite og trilogy characters, and HER AND DAVID WERE SO FUCKING CUTE SHE DESERVES ALL THE HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD.

nina!!! danielle galligan absolutely nailed nina's energy and her being added to the crows at last was worth the wait. i love how she outsmarted the others and just got shit done.

we sadly didn't get as much zoya in this season as i wished however i ate up every scene she was in and screamed when she said she could fix nikolai lmao

WESPER MY BELOVED THEIR SCENES WERE SO CUTE AND WERE LIKE LITTLE POPS OF HAPPINESS AMONG ALL THE CHAOS HAPPENING THIS SEASON. the piano scene?? them under the cart during the shoot out?? them fighting in shu han and then wylan telling him he was the first person he wanted to tell about the butterflies?? i am on the FLOOR

WYLAN. wylan stepped right out of the books and he was GLORIOUS. jack wolfe nailed his energy, and i loved the details they included - like how he labelled his bottles with music so he could read them!! he and kit had incredible chemistry and i loved the conflict they had about jesper's grisha abilities and wylan's dyslexia, it felt really true to the books. ALSO HIM BEING SO EXCITED ABOUT THE BUTTERFLIES and then feeding them to the crew LMAO i will protect him at all costs.

tolya and tamar!!!! they were so fucking cool!!!!

the hallucination scene, for all the characters

the little hints to king of scars!! the bee landing on zoya's arm!! thought that was really clever

I WILL HAVE YOU WITHOUT YOUR ARMOUR KAZ BREKKER OR I WILL NOT HAVE YOU AT ALL. MY GIRL SAID I AINT FIXING YOU FIX YOURSELF

the beautiful colour alina's powers turned when she connected to mal and destroyed the fold

'i'm sorry, did you say mal is a bird?'

'everyone's lost their minds'

did i mention nikolai because nikolai

the costumes??? were so fucking gorgeous??? i couldn't take my eyes off them everyone looked AMAZING

THE ENDING HAD MY JAW ON THE FLOOR. I DID NOT SEE IT COMING AT ALL, I THOUGHT WE WOULD GET IDK SOME SEMI-HAPPY ENDING WITH THE CHARACTERS LEFT OPEN ENDED BUT HOLY SHIT IT WAS SUCH A GOOD CLIFFHANGER and a perfect segue into both six of crows and king of scars!!! it also makes sense timeline wise that it would happen, so i'm really happy with it and can't wait to see what they do with it!!

things i did not like

...wesper. or more specifically, the way they did wesper. i really don't see wylan as someone who would be going out having one night stands with people?? this was the writing choice i didn't get. idk, it just felt really out of character for him and it also just removed all of the tension from jesper and wylan's relationship. no 'just girls?', no 'i kind of like your stupid face', none of the pining that was so crucial to their relationship in the books. don't get me wrong, there were moments i loved, but the foundations of their relationship in the show were a weird choice that's only just balanced with the sheer joy of seeing them onscreen together.

matthias. mans spent all eight episodes in literal jail. with all the promo and stuff with the six of them, i really thought we were going to get all six of them onscreen together this season!! i think it was a waste to just keep him locked up, sometimes i forgot he was even there until they randomly cut to him in hellgate. idk with everything else going on this season they couldn't have let calahan skogman out of the prison set and have one scene with any of the characters?? i really feel like they wasted him here and i get that they're going to break him out for the ice court heist, but surely there could have been room for him with the other characters somehow this season.

alina and nikolai getting married and going through with the engagement??? PLEASE i do NOT want them together, not married, not nothing. i like how they had a *few* suggestive moments, but that was sort of enough. zoyalai is one of the best ships and i really don't want alina to be in the middle of them. i like their friendship but the idea of them actually getting married is just not it for me. i can see them like getting married but then nikolai and zoya falling for each other, if they can manage that then fine but it takes away the focus from zoya and nikolai and idk if i'm about that

DAVID. my boy did NOT deserve to die so early. his scenes with genya were so sweet AND THE STEEL PART FROM THE BOOKS HAD ME WEEPING. i'm really holding on to the fact that we didn't see his body and that genya couldn't feel his heartbeat because she wasn't amplified by baghra because fuck i want him to live and marry genya like he deserves. i am okay with being delusional

WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT LOOK WAS BETWEEN TOLYA AND INEJ GET RID OF IT I HATE IT

i can see why people are frustrated that they took a lot of crooked kingdom elements and put them before the ice court heist. the feud with pekka rollins was crucial to kaz's motivation to even go to fjerda. inej leaving (on a ship that kaz did not buy for her hmmmm) with mal to hunt slavers, how is she going to rejoin the crows? wesper already being together. i can see why they did these things but i can also see why readers would question it. i guess it's just switching the order of things, we'll see...

it did seem rushed - but i think the reason people are really noticing it is because of how slow season 1 was. don't get me wrong, i love season 1, but they really faithfully adapted book 1 of shadow and bone across the entire season; compared to season 2 where they adapted siege & storm, ruin & rising, and elements of the lives of the saints, crooked kingdom, six of crows and king of scars. i honestly think if they shaved off a couple of characters - like that annoying tidemaker chick, pekka rollins even, vasily - there would have been a bit of breathing room. it sort of felt like BAM massive thing happens and then BAM switching to the next scene with a different set of characters. i understand again why they did it - they don't know if they're getting a third season - but it does stand out as a bit of a flaw.

maybe this is a personal thing, but i kind of like how king of scars moved away from alina and mal's story to focus on the other characters. i completely understand why they've kept alina and mal in the show - they're the two main leads, and to get rid of archie and jessie would be sad - but now that their story is more or less finished, i hope alina doesn't take up too much of what is going to be king of scars. i am 100% down to see her evil era and her white hair, but i also want there to be room for the other characters beyond just alina and i'm curious to see if they'll be able to pull that off with her still around.

for all the fuss about the fold, it being gone within the first ten minutes of the finale was kind of funny lol

overall i really loved this season despite a couple of gripes, and i don't see why everyone is being so shitty about it. yes it's not accurate to the books, but i think more importantly it's really accurate to the characters and that's what matters!!! ALSO PLEASE KEEP STREAMING BECAUSE IF WE DON'T GET A SEASON 3 WE WILL NEVER SEE ZOYALAI OR THE ICE COURT HEIST OR THE ACTUAL SIX OF CROWS COMING TOGETHER MATTHIAS WILL STAY IN JAIL FOREVER DO IT FOR THEMMMM

#shadow and bone #shadow and bone season 2 #sab spoilers #alina starkov #six of crows #mal oretsev #kaz brekker #inej ghafa #kanej #wesper #sab netflix #crooked kingdom #king of scars #nikolai lantsov #zoya nazyalensky #genya safin #zoyalai #malina

[lunaremy]

I'm not sure whether to send an angsty prompt or a silly one, so a silly one.

Black is terrified of roller coasters. A sibling wanted to ride on one (Red probably) and didn't want to ride alone. The "manly-man" was screaming until the ride was over.

WAHAHAHA i thought of this a while ago and it was so funny

Black covered his mouth as he ate the morsel of cotton candy Red had offered him.

I won't be caught dead doing something as childish as eating those kinds of sweets,

He'd always say.

And yet here he was, silently shoving cotton candy into his mouth.

White was halfway across the park resting his legs with Yellow and Aqua. Pink was at the concessions stand with Green.

Blue stayed home.

And Black....

"Big Bro!!!!" Red grabbed Black's hand, catching his attention. His eyes were beaming with energy as he pointed at...

Black looked up at it.

Wow.

It was an absolutely MASSIVE coaster, no doubt one of the main selling points of the theme park. They went all-out on the marketing, too. Anyone who successfully completed the coaster got this little "I SURVIVED DANTE'S INFERNO" button, solely for the purpose of flexing on one's friends.

"Cmon!! Let's go on there!!"

"Aren't you a little too young for that?" Black mumbled it, aggressively trying to hide the fact that he wanted nothing to do with that death-wheel.

But then Red said something that changed his opinion completely.

"What? Mr.Perfect can't ride a roller-coaster with me?? I'll do it myself, and never let you see the badge!!" He says it with scorn, apparently striking a nerve in Black who aggressively walks him over to the line.

I am perfect. I am perfect. I am perfect. I am PERFECT. So I'm riding this roller-coaster with him. My little brother, who still needs help with tasks as simple as this. Hah! A simple ride! He really begged me to accompany him? Maybe he wasn't tall enough. He's lucky to have me as a big brother. Without me, that kid would be doomed. He'd be doomed on this coaster. That i'm on. Even though I don't WANNA, because this place is completely backwater and--

"Alrighty, you two. Enjoy the ride!"

Before he even snaps out of his thoughts, he's carefully buckled into the seat next to Red.

Oh shiiiiit.

Red stares at him, literally jittering in his seat with excitement. "Woooooo!!!!! Let's do this, Big Bro!!!!!!!"

"Let's." Black closes his eyes.

And then the ride starts.

It's not too bad at first. But that's to be expected.

Black feels his stomach already begin to turn with anxiety. This is just the calm before the storm.

He finds himself shaking as well, but not with excitement.

"Get up, sleepyhead!" Red notices that his eyes have been locked shut for the entirety of the ride so far. "The fun is just getting started!!"

He opens his eyes,

and his face immediately blanched with terror as he felt the breeze on his body and saw just how far up he was.

The other people on the roller-coaster began to mutter about the incoming drop. Black found himself wordless, breathing becoming increasingly difficult to steady as he began to panic a bit.

"Here it comes!!" Red shouts amongst the commotion, and Black feels his heart skip a beat.

"I don't," He chokes.

They're at the very peak of the coaster now, roughly 300 feet in the air.

He peeks over the drop and damn near faints.

"RedIDon't--" He keeps choking on his words. Finally, he utters what he truly wants to say. "Nononononono..."

But nothing he said could change this situation. He's on this coaster because he wanted to look cool and composed.

Now he's terrified, and just plain embarrassed. Which one would be prioritized, though?

KACHUNK

Terror takes priority as screams fill his ears and the wind picks up on his trembling body, his heart damn near flying out of his mouth as he swears he's going to power off.

He can't look away, it's like a train crash, and he's on the train, and he's gonna fly out of the coaster--

Black inhales, trying to catch his breath, but all of it is lost once again.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

White licks his choco-covered ice cream as he sat on a bench.

Today wasn't terrible. For once, they'd had a nice outing in which White actually got to relax for once.

In the ice-cream free hand was a souvenir for Blue; some silly key-chain of the theme park's mascot. It doubled as a music box, constantly playing the park's overly catchy jingle should it be wound up.

The air felt amazing on his face.

And then he thought he'd heard the most recognizable voice from across the park.

"WAAAAAAAUUUUUUAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"?"

White stood up, pocketing the key-chain.

"Did you guys hear Black just now?"

"No. But I heard someone screaming..." Aqua stands by White, her voice overly hard to hear amongst the chaos of the park.

Yellow already seems to be wandering towards the source of the sound, and White honestly has nothing better to do, so he and Aqua closely follow Yellow. If it really was Black, he'd get to tell him that they're leaving the park pretty soon.

It takes a while, but eventually this gigantic coaster comes into sight. It's covered in promotional posters and cardboard cutouts, and the line to it is just as massive as the coaster itself.

There's a giant area labeled "EXIT", with employees handing out badges to those who walk out from it.

White catches sight of a familiar duo through this.

First comes Red, whooping with enthusiasm and pinning the badge to his chest as if it were a medal of honor.

And next comes Black, looking...

...extremely out of sorts, to say the least.

His screen was noticeably dimmer than it really should be, his face completely pale as he basically hobbled his way through the exit, hands clutching that "victory" badge so hard that it might break.

"That looks cool," Yellow remarked, as Red sprinted towards the group.

"WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Red was still shaking with excitement, his eyes burning with energy. "Check it out! Check it out!"

White observed the badge on his chest.

"I survived Dante's Inferno..." He reads it out loud.

And then Black hobbles over to the group, at which point White notices his badge.

"Woah..."He glances at the coaster, and then back at the group. "So you really were the one we heard screaming?"

"Yeah. You were pretty loud..." Red looks at Black, who barely acknowledges the whole thing. By now, his face has gone back to normal, but it progressively reddened with embarrassment as his predicament set in.

"Hurting my ears the whole ride." Red complains.

"Ffff" Black chokes (again). "For alll you knoww, It could've been anyone ellse."

White barely stifles his laughter.

"Why don't you go on there, White?!" Black complains, his face red with embarrassment. "I don't wanna hear anything from you until you get this badge!"

White stares at the "I SURVIVED" badge, and then back at Black's face.

"It's on."

----------------------------------------

The sun had only just begun to set. It was still bright out.

"Hey, Black?" Pink turned towards him as they sat on a bench nearby the infamous ride.

"Yeah?" He briefly paused his caramel popcorn consumption to answer.

"Is White gonna be okay up there?"

Black looked up.

He could hear many things; one or two crying children, the voices of friends, and the music blaring from the attractions.

But the one thing he heard over it all was White shrieking in terror as Dante's Inferno went through yet another cycle.

"Yeah." Black swallowed his caramel popcorn. It tasted sweet. "He's doing great."

#bomberman #super bomberman r #black bomber #idiot squad....... #either screaming in terror or clutching your eyes shut the entire time #and then it ends and you're all #“haha that was fun”

[thessalian]

Astrid vs New Friends

On a beach somewhere

Astrid: Wakey-wakey, chicken bakey?

Shadowheart: ...what?!?

Astrid: I didn't want to be shaking you or anything because you might have thought I was trying to poke your whatsit.

Shadowheart: ...Excuse me?

Astrid: Oh, no, I mean ... you're pretty but I'm all about the consent. I meant that thing. *gestures to hand clutching doohickey*

Shadowheart: *looks at doohickey in her hand* Oh! Right. That. Thank you. And for getting me out of that pod, too.

Astrid: Don't mention it. Glad you survived the crash.

Shadowheart: I ... saw you get knocked out of the front of the ship. How did you survive that fall?

Astrid: Given who you apparently worship, you'd laugh if I said "the intervention of some benevolent deity", right?

Shadowheart: Until I died.

Astrid: Good one for the laughing spell, got it.

Shadowheart: The ... laughing spell?

Astrid: Never mind. You might see it sometime ... if we're sticking together?

Shadowheart: You saved me from the pod, you respect my privacy, and you can literally insult people to death. I'm sticking with you. Plus if anyone can charm someone into helping us, it's you.

Astrid: Okay, cool! Now ... how are you on pillaging the dead? I ask because ... you know, holy person...

Shadowheart: I worship Shar.

Astrid: Okay, fair enough! Just asking! Now let's see what we can find.

A little while later, up a cliff

Shadowheart: What do you mean, we're going back for the intellect devourers?!?

Astrid: Well, neither of them was Us, and they looked hurt but I still saw them kill imps in one hit so maybe we'll get lucky and find more survivors to help.

Shadowheart: Like your githyanki friend?!?

Astrid: Iiiiiiiii don't think she and I get along very well. I don't like when people leave others to die just because, you know?

Shadowheart: Well, this is going to be grand. What, you expect someone halfway decent to fight will just step out of a wall and--

Waypoint Rune: *looks really weird*

Astrid: ...I think your god intervenes more than you think.

Gale: *sticks hand out of portal-looking waypoint* Um ... little help?

Astrid: I ... am not strong enough to pull you out of there. *touches portal* Please calm your tits.

Gale: Not in a calm place right now; and I don't have--

Astrid: Sorry, wasn't talking to you! Erm ... more specifics. Portal, please calm your tits.

Gale: ...That's ... actually helping! Just a little tug should do!

Astrid: That's what they all say, but I like a man who needs more than that to get any joy.

Gale: Wait, what?!?

Astrid: Well, that means there's a better chance of mutual joy!

Shadowheart: She's a bard. Highly optimistic and nearly sickeningly sweet bard, but still has the thing about the sex jokes.

Astrid: *pulls Gale out of wall, while giggling* There you go! Hi! I'm Astrid.

Gale: Gale of Waterdeep. Pleasure. Well, circumstances aside. I take it you know about the ceromorphosis?

Shadowheart: You know the technical name for this?

Gale: That and all the symptoms; no way to help. I don't suppose you--?

Shadowheart: Cleric. Of. Shar.

Gale: Oh. Well, if you're looking for a cure, and I'm looking for a cure, maybe we should do so together.

Astrid: So long as we can deal with any of the more ... illithid-y survivors. I don't want them killing any more of the locals.

Gale: Ah, an altruistic sort!

Shadowheart: Mm. Better than "I don't have to run faster than the abominations; I just have to run faster than you", at least. I honestly just don't want them behind us while we're looking for a cure.

Gale: Optimism and pragmatism, and I'm somewhere in the middle ... I think we'll get along just fine.

Shadowheart: Just remember we have priorities. And they are in your brain, not your pants.

Gale; Astrid: Spoilsport.

A little while later

Astarion: I found an intellect devourer and have it cornered; come kill it!

Astrid: If it's too weak to attack you, I think it'll be okay if-- *gets grabbed and floored by Astarion* Yeek!

Shadowheart: Excuse me; that is my sickeningly sweet bard and if you don't back off I will smear you across the landscape!

Gale: ...Ah, that explains the comments about priorities earlier.

Shadowheart: ...Shut up.

Astarion: Now, now, sudden moves might make me twitch and I'd like her neck intact, so--

Astrid: *head-butts him*

Astarion: OW! *reels back and lets Astrid up*

Shadowheart: I think you broke his nose. Didn't think you were strong enough for that.

Astrid: Learned that manouvre in taverns; it's a thing.

Mind-Sharing Thing: *happens*

Astarion: Oh. Right. You're in the same boat as me. Apologies.

Astrid: You're angry and scared; it happens.

Astarion: I am not scared.

Astrid: Well, since we are in the same boat, and the boat is the HMS "Turning Into A Mind Flayer"? You maybe should be.

Astarion: Oh, yes, because my turning into a monster is such a novel experience.

Astrid: ...wut.

Astarion: Never mind. Look, maybe we can control these things--

Shadowheart; Astrid; Gale: Are you stupid?!?

Astarion: *winces* ...All right, which one of you actually hurt me with that one?

Astrid: *sheepishly raises hand* Sorry. This is why I'm usually not rude to people.

Astarion: Noted. Anyway, yes, fine, getting rid of it, good plan. Are you doing that and can I join you?

Astrid: Sure! And if you still really want to kill intellect devourers--

Astarion: That was just a distraction gambit, but I suppose...

Astrid: There's a few down there.

Astarion: Oh, joy.

Later, fighting intellect devourers

Shadowheart: You know if these things hit us even once, we're dead, right?

Astrid: We'll just have to make sure you all hit first. Astarion, you're fastest of all of us, so here goes... *clears throat, pulls lute; playing and singing to the tune of Mack the Knife* "Oh the elf babe / has such teeth, dear / and he shows them / pearly white / just a dagger / has our new friend, dear / and he keeps it / out of sight--"

Gale: What the--?

Astarion: *Inspired; murdering EVERYTHING*

Shadowheart: I thought she'd insult them to death again, but this...

Astrid: "On the floor of / this weird transport / lies a brain that's / oozing life / and who's sneaking / to stab the next one / that's Astarion / with the knife..."

Gale: ...Now I want a theme tune.

Astrid: *finishes off with a flourish now that everything's dead; puts lute away* Working on it!

#Astrid the Bard #Thess liveblogs Baldur's Gate 3 #Baldur's Gate 3 spoilers

[redemptioninterlude]

REPOST & LIST 6 SONGS THAT INSPIRE YOU TO WRITE YOUR MUSE .

( i know this is a multi but i'm picking rue and alice since they're the ones i write the most for this meme, just becauuuuse jfc who wants to see me post that for 8 fucking muses, nobody, that's who )

RUE BENNETT

born sinner ft james fauntleroy - j cole i'm a born sinner / but i'll die better than that, i swear / you were always where i needed you to be / whether you were there or not there ( i was there ) / i was born sinning / but i live better than that ( better than that ) / if you ain't fucking with that, i don't care / ( ooh, ooh, ooh ) yeah, yeah, yeah

shampoo - ilya i left my necklace on your counter / trapped my soul inside your heart / painted lipstick on your mirrors / took what you left me with and turned it into art / and i know that you’re not stupid / your hungry heart was overfed / say you made your bed you gotta lie in it / but then you lied to me instead

i will carry you - safari riot x old man saxon give me your pain / give me your sorrow / tell me what hurts / if not today then tomorrow / whats the protection from life and death / things already seen, fear or regret / all we ever do is choose, pain is inevitable / pick your poison, feel your cup / but i will carry you / is that enough?

naturally - tinashe i been wondering why we do, i'm at the highest of highs / can i have you back, maybe just for tonight? / baby, i can see the ecstasy when you with me, i know / ain't no time for jealousy, but i see she don't get you like i do

fade away - lucky daye i just want this feeling to last / i bet i'll beg for you to face it / feels, they change like the weather / close my eyes, find forever / gotta be nice on the / other side, 'nother side / is it cruel of me / to pretend i can't see / when i pass you by? oh / is it wrong of me / to feel the same pain / but not know why? / not know why

3:16 am - jhené aiko i do not feel the fear of fallin, i wanna fly / if it all goes well then i will / but what if i don’t? / i'll be right where i was before / but i’m not alone, you say take my hand / and we go ( and we go ), and we go ( and we go ) / and i hope that we don’t overdose / cause we don’t ( cause we don’t ) / no we don’t ( no we don't ) / ever know when we have had enough / wait…

ALICE LIDDELL

pink + white - frank ocean that's the way everyday goes / every time we've no control / if the sky is pink and white / if the ground is black and yellow / it's the same way you showed me / nod my head, don't close my eyes / halfway on a slow move / it's the same way you showed me / if you could fly then you'd feel south / up north's getting cold soon

dangerous ft kid cudi - schoolboy q i'm feeling dangerous, i'm feeling nauseous / road left me crazy, soaring, i wanna / smoking and faded, i got enormous / drinkin' and swangin', i'm feelin' dangerous / greet me by my hand 'til you teach me to float / head is in the clouds with my stomach below / somethin' 'bout this feeling, i felt it before / took this pill and it swallowed me whole / pinch me on my arm, is it heaven or fun? / if i don't come back, had a hell of a run

cherries ft aminé - hope tala the cherries in your mouth spill stars / scarlet venom to keep in jam jars / we all build worlds with joined up scars / but your constellation has stained my guitar / and the french in your mouth breaks ribs / makes heads go light and hands lose their grip / pulling teeth behind a bottom lip / to look for cherry stones and rotting apple pips

true crime ft miso - epik high the world has given you names that deny you / "obsession," "addiction" and "taboo" / you're a controversial work, the spark that incites my heart / don't care what they say / you make my dead heart beat again / when i'm surrounded by enemies / you make me clench a pen instead of a fist / love is where you find it, whatever that placе is

top again ft saba - audrey nuna 'cause it's raining / your favorite / grass is green / i might just kurt cobain it / just face it / shameless / complacent / new precipitation but you waste it / just waiting / i was dancing all this time / dancing on this mic / don't call the night / loud like mordechai / dancing all this time / dance 'til the pretty die / don't come inside / 'til I'm on top again

jotto - bibi seeing you digging into my skirt / my hatred towards humans is on the rise / the anxiety and longing you gave me as well as pills and wine / i laugh and swallow them down / what sad thing happened / what wonderful love did you have such that / with your body and mind that have become a rag / how could you come knock on my door

tagged by: @imsobrooklyn tagging: @444fm / @sunxsin / @chmerical / @sylkshe / @prettydead / @ripjulie / @dangaer / @awalkoflife / @rach8 / @perniicious / @killjoysanonymous / @temporalobjects / @freak1ish / @godstrayed / whoever omg pls it's a fun meme

#❝ r. bennett ❞ ┆ headcanons ┆ it kind of collapses time ! #❝ memes ❞ ┆ turned what you left me with and turned it into art ! #❝ a. liddell ❞ ┆ headcanons ┆ who in the world am i ? that's the great puzzle !

[marmolady]

WIP Dump!

I am actually still writing Endless Summer fanfic, believe it or not. It's just... slow. @mauvecatfic @rhemenway888 @sceptilemasterr I'm still here, quiet though I am!

In addition to the fics mentioned here, I'm also working on my 'Montoya grandchildren' collection, and my 'reunions' collection, and at some write some more glimpses into other Catalysts' family lives. As my 'main' post-canon story is long concluded, I'm mostly doing slice of life stuff and not much too heavy. That is, except for potential explorations of the end of the Catalysts' lives. I've already written Taylor's death scene. BUT I have been working on that particular fic on and off for literally years.

Snippets below the cut:

The first thing I've been working on is a series of windows into Taylor and Diego's friendship over the years, including far, far into the future. I think it's about halfway written, so it could be the next piece to make an appearance here and on AO3.

A snippet....

“Hey--” Taylor said as she settled down amongst the soft cushions of her favourite chair, knowing full well she’d be needing to call in assistance when the time came to haul her old body up from them, “I came up with the perfect idea for our next marathon.”

“’Marathon’? Between the two of us, we’re lucky to get through one movie without someone dozing off.” Diego grinned at his friend. His best friend of seventy years.

“That’s what makes it a marathon, because it takes so damn long. We take our time, savouring the laughs, the tears, and appreciating the artform.” A glass of wine, some cheeses to break up the films. And the two of them would reminisce, and Diego would point out his favourites of the crew’s filmmaking choices… or those that were notably bad.

“How about ‘the Zac Efron trifecta’?” Taylor suggested, showning her age. “High School Musical, followed by Hairspray, followed by The Greatest Showman.”

“Let’s just see if we can get through ‘Julie Andrews Fest’ first, okay?”

They did this fairly often. Just chilling out to the tune of films meeting their assigned theme. At the age they were, ‘just chilling out’ was pretty much requisite. Taylor’s arthritis had worsened considerably in the last year, and Diego’s respiratory issues were easily triggered by any amount of exertion. They were reasonably healthy nonogenerians… but they were nonogenerians.

______________________

Otherwise, you'll be seeing this next; some nice Taystela Valentine's fluff. Because so help me I love some Taystela fluff, and if anyone deserves ALL-THE-FLUFF it is Estela Montoya.

A snippet:

“‘Safe’ sounds perfect. As long as there’s no danger, people can stare all they want-- I’m in love with this woman, and I could not be less ashamed.”

Again, Estela momentarily glanced from the road to catch her wife’s eye, to return the smile there. “Don’t worry. I’m not taking you anywhere I couldn’t kiss you. I’ve suffered enough in my life.”

Taylor chuckled darkly, the knowing laugh of someone who knew all to well what it was to go through hell and back… and to try and embrace the happy ending on the other side in spite of the traumas that wouldn’t let go.

“I’m glad to hear it,” she said. “On both counts.”

___________________

Aaaaaand my baby Rosa gets to head to La Huerta for the first time!

A snippet:

“Where are you headed?” the driver had asked, to which Rosa’s Mama Taylor had replied with, “It’s a secret-- don’t want to spoil the surprise for the little one.”

Rosa pretty much knew where they were going-- she’d heard all about it-- but it sounded so mysterious, it seemed likely there would be surprises when she got there. So much of what she’d been told sounded like magic. The taxi driver wasn’t part of the family, so they couldn’t talk about the place where they were flying to while he could hear.

 They were all headed to the special island, the one where Rosa’s moms first met, years and years ago. It would be Rosa and her new family. And… all these other people. Including Uncle Raj, whom she’d just met the day before. He’d stayed at their house overnight before everyone flew out, and was now sharing their taxi to the airport. It was a little bit scary, because he wasn’t just a new adult to meet, but a very, very big one, and very energetic. But Uncle Raj must have known those things were scary for Rosa, because he’d knelt down to her and talked all calm. He seemed kind and gentle-- and at dinner, he’d even whipped her up a special glittery drink with cotton candy on top. ‘Her signature drink’ he’d called it. Rosa liked Uncle Raj, and she hoped that the other new people would be just as nice.

“Oh, a surprise holiday? Qué niña tan afortunada!”

Rosa could barely hold in a giggle at the sight of Raj, who looked just about to burst with the excitement of the secrets they were keeping from the driver-- well, from all the world. It made her feel better, taking the edge off her jitters. It had to be something good they were on their way to.

__________________________

#endless summer #playchoices #estela montoya #diego soto

[headoverheelsforramsey]

The Seal Of Zeal (2/3)

Book : Open Heart (set post book 3)

Pairing : Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Meera Bose)

Series Summary : Ethan Ramsey and Meera Bose do not back down from challenges. But what happens when they challenge each other?

Chapter Summary : Ethan and Meera find it difficult to schedule a date night because of the demands of their new roles, until Meera proposes a plan.

Category : Fluff

Warnings : None

Rating : General

Word Count : 1209

Trope : And they were in the Office...

A/N : Hello and welcome back everybody! I so wanted to post this last week but it got very hectic, so better late than never. This is also my early submission for @choicesmonthlychallengejune2022 day 9 : date. Hope you all enjoy this one as well. Happy Reading! ❤️

Catch up on part 1!

Meera got into the car almost half asleep and let out a long sigh. 

"You look like you had a rough night," Ethan said pulling out of the apartment garage. 

"Says the man who has dark circles deeper than the Grand Canyon." 

"Ouch! That was rude!" Ethan tried feigning offense but ultimately broke into a laugh. Meera joined in a few seconds later.

"I feel like I haven't laughed this much in forever," she said regaining her breath. 

"Yeah tell me about it. Everyday I open my eyes and dread going into work because I'll have to see the fake smiling faces of the board members, and paperwork keeps getting more and more everyday!" 

"Ahh! Paperwork. Is. Literally. The. Worst. I have reached the point where I can't bear the sight of my own signature. Is it possible? Can you be disgusted by your own signature?" 

"Hmm, I think it is," Ethan chuckled. 

"You know, this reminds me we haven't had a date night in ages." 

"Really? Didn't we check out that food carnival like last week?" 

"It's been three weeks to that old man." 

"Wow! Three weeks is a really long time. We should rectify that at the earliest tell me when you are free this week?" Ethan said pulling into the hospital driveway. 

"I am not on call Tuesday and I think I get off early Friday," Meera checked her calendar. 

"No, that doesn't work with me, I can move around somethings and get out on Saturday and maybe Thursday if I am lucky." Ethan checked his. "I'll see if I can reassign some of your cases so that you can get Saturday off." 

"Sorry, won't work, I have a consult at Mass Gen and they have been trying to have me over for weeks. Why don't You make things work for Friday." 

"I would if I could, but the CEO of this med-tech company will be in town only on Friday and the board wants me to have dinner with him." Ethan pinched the bridge of his nose getting out of the car. 

"Great so my boyfriend is now going on dates with some CEO?" Meera chuckled following suit. 

"Come on Meera, meet me halfway here." 

"Halfway? I am dealing with life or death here!" 

The couple walked into the busy hospital atrium. 

"Hey round with interns in five," Jackie shouted walking past Meera. 

"Will be there!" 

"Chief Ramsey someone from HR has been asking for you," Ethan's assistant Margaret walked upto him. 

"I'll see them in my office in ten." 

"Hey I have a new pro-Bono case for the DT I wanted to discuss with you," Harper said crossing the atrium to meet Meera. 

"Let's assemble the team after rounds, will go through it then." 

"Sir Mrs. Wilson's lawsuit has been settled we just need you to sign the paperwork." 

"That's great! Keep it ready for me in my office." 

"Meera I need a consult for a kid up in peds, you can't say no," Sienna said handing both of them coffee and cookies. 

"How can I when your cookie is my breakfast? I'll page you when I'm done with the DT." 

"You are the best," Sienna smiled curtly at them and dissappeared. 

"Medicure pharma wants to let you know that their offer stands if you change your mind." 

"Margaret let them know that Ethan Ramsey doesn't change his mind." 

Margaret nods running up the stairs. 

Ethan and Meera get into the elevator, and let out long sighs. 

"So you ready for your day?" Meera asks. 

"Doesn't leave me with a choice of not being ready," Ethan replies. 

"You know I was thinking why don't we add a little more fun into our day?" 

Ethan looked at his girlfriend puzzled. 

"Whoever finishes with their itenary and clocks out first can decide the day for the date night and the other has to make time for that." 

Ethan's blue eyes sparkled mischievously, "you are a freaking genius." 

"Well I know, thank you very much," Meera gave a little bow as the elevator stopped at her floor with the familiar beep. Ethan cupped her face and pressed his lips to her one last time before parting ways. 

Meera stepped out, "just so you know this genius brain is going to figure out all of her cases in no time and make you change your schedule." 

"We'll see about that," Ethan said just as the elevator doors closed. 

Meera walked toward her office with newfound motivation and joy. 

The day zoomed by. Meera's brain was working at its fullest. She went through rounds, met with the DT and completed Sienna' s consult in no time. She returned to her office and started with paperwork without stopping for coffee. She didn't need coffee when the adrenaline from her impending win was pulsating through her nerves. 

Soon the sun had set over the Boston horizon and Meera put her signature on the very last paper. She threw her hands in joy and looked at the time, it was half past eight and there was no way Ethan was done before her.

Without wasting a single minute Meera packed up her belongings and made her way to the elevator, doing a little happy dance to the elevator's music. Only to come up to an empty Chief's office. Ethan's assistant had informed her that he was almost done with the day's work when he got called into an emergency board meeting thirty minutes ago. This was maybe the first time Meera felt grateful for Bloom. He had ensured her win, but she missed being able to rub it in Ethan's face. 

She walked over to Ethan's empty desk, overflowing with paperwork. She looked at the framed picture of her in the dog park that was kept on one side of the table. This man was whipped, she thought. 

On the other side she noticed a huge white box with a leading pharmaceutical company's name on it. Filled with curiosity she opened it to reveal a huge spread of donuts. Being chief came with its perks, she chuckled. 

Her stomach growled, reminding that the adrenaline of the day made her forget to take a break for lunch. She picked up the box of donuts and walked over to the couch, making herself comfortable. 

A couple of hours later Ethan walked out of the conference room, head throbbing with pain. He looked down at his wrist watch taking quick steps towards the elevator. There was no way he was beating Meera now. 

Ethan walked into his office and was welcomed by a soft musical snoring. His eyes made a quick scan before finding the source, his girlfriend, asleep on the couch with an almost finished box of donuts laying on the ground. 

He smiled, she looked so peaceful and cute, but he couldn't help but click a few quick pictures which he knew Varma and Lahela would definitely appreciate. He nudged Meera awake. It took her a few seconds to break the trance before groggily saying, "I won, you lost." 

"I know," he replied, "but let's get you home first," he put down an endearing kiss on her forehead, already cooking up an excuse for the board on missing the dinner with the CEO.

Thank you so much if you have read till here, it means the world to me. Hope to see you go on other different adventures with me, Ethan and Meera, till then sending love and hugs your way! ❤️

Taglist : @starrystarrytrouble @mm2305 @charisworld @choicesfanaf @potionsprefect @genevievemd  @shanzay44 @little-flowers-on-heaven @schnitzelbutterfingers  @coffeeheartaddict  @gryffindordaughterofathena @chemist-ana @adiehardfan-deactivated20211021 @custaroonie @ireneadlerisseggsy @takemyopenheart @natureblooms24 @mainstreetreader @lawyerlies @a-crepusculo @quixoticdreamer16 @starryeyedrookie @sincerelyscarring @thebluestonedpendant @kit-rookie-princess @wanderingamongthewildflowers @peonierose

+ @openheartfanfics, @choicesficwriterscreations, @choicesmonthlychallengejune2022

Please let me know if you want to be added or removed. 💜

#pixelberry choices #pixelberry #choices : stories you play #choices the stories you play #choices stories we play #playchoices #choices stories you play #choices open heart #open heart fanfic #open heart #open heart fanfics #open heart fic #open heart fanfiction #open heart fandom #open heart ethan #dr. ethan ramsey #ethan x mc #ethan ramsey #ethan ramsey x mc #dr. ethan jonah ramsey #ethan jonah ramsey x mc #ethan jonah ramsey #ethan x meera #dr. meera bose #meera bose

[ambreiiigns]

Ok then now tell me about these sk8 big and little boyfriends? I'm interested by the distinction of big and little, you know? :P

ok after Thee category 5 doubleblack moment and watching tristamp w my brother i'll answer this sk8 ask. then i'll go look at deathnote images saved to my phone to complete the collection of anime i care about

so you will never believe me but sk8. is about. a bunch. of skater boys. we have langa who moves to japan from canada after his dad dies bc his mom's japanese. him and his dad used to do snowboarding together but langa got lowkey depressed after his death and doesn't feel much passion for snowboarding anymore. plus he lives in beachy town now so it'd be impossible anyway

he meets reki there tho. and Oh reki is just like. the sun. they're in class together but didn't really talk (langa doesn't talk much) but they bump into each other while reki's out skating and he gets langa to try it and it just. goes downhill from there

reki takes him to S !!! which is this like super secret skaterz place that opens at night on some mountain where they have races and place bets and stuff. long story short langa finds that Spark he's missed ever since his dad died in reki and skateboarding - as in, yeah sure skating's fun but it's reki that makes his heart beat fast and not the adrenaline or whatever. it's not Skating itself that makes him happy but it's skating With Reki. they're so fucking SWEET. they have a bit of a fight halfway thru the series bc reki has some inferiority complex and langa almost loses the Spark again. it's really sweet. at some point he vaguely talks to his mom abt this fight and she assumes it's about a girl he likes so she asks him. "you LIKE this person don't you" and langa BLUSHES HE'S SO CUTE and says yeah :// so she hypes him up to go talk things out and says. good lird. "show her she's a lucky girl!!" and langa. i am quoting word for word. answers. "what girl." gay people real

and those ^ are the little boyfriends. now the BIG boyfriends ugh !! unsufferable. you got kojiro aka joe and kaoru aka cherry and we meet them at s. in fact they FOUNDED s when they were teens along w adam who's the bad guy in this show and i want him dead. joe is. built like a brickhouse and mildly italian ?? he runs a restaurant during the day and the Gang meets up there a lot he's the sweetest in the world and worries and helps the kids anytime he can i adore him. cherry's gnc af (you're insane) he's pretty as fuck and had a Punk Phase as a kid where he had a couple of piercings and emo bangs and NO ONE has ever looked better EVER but he's Mean but still Cares. when they met adam back in the day him & cherry had a lil somethin somethin going on but he ended up dumping them Both for being boring bc he's insane. i don't wanna talk abt him. so that leaves cherry & joe alone again - which is cool. they've been together since preschool they're the type to bicker and talk shit 24/7 while still always being glued to each other. they're so Horny but they won't fuck. everyone at s wonts them carnally. the kids (by this i mean reki & langa but mostly miya who's like a little shit pro skater they picked up along the way) (shoutout to the icp clown rockstar legend shadow who's the 6th and final member of The Gang) call them mom and dad Frequently and they call the gang "The Kids" an incriminating amount of times (they accidentally adopted two 16yos one 14yo and one 24yo. at age 26)

realizing i don't Know how to explain joe & cherry you kinda just have to witness them. there's this bit where cherry's explaining to The Kids how adam does one of his moves so he skates right up to joe and says "Hello..." in a. weird fucking tone and joe hisses back "You're Too Close!!!" threatheningly like he's gonna fuckin Jump him. there's this other bit during THEE beach episode where joe's flirting w some ladies (he's a manwhore) and miya grabs him pretends that he's his dad and tells him that Mommy's mad !! pointing at cherry who's like napping sexily. and joe actually looks at him and like fuckin whimpers and blushes like a virgin and all he can say for himself is THAT IS NOT YOUR MOM !!!! hello. what was that. also there's the bit where adam fuckin slams his board across cherry's face (?!?!?!?) and joe picks him up like a princess (which he calls him sometimes. princess and pinky and the likes) and gets him to the hospital and THEN cherry sneaks out of the hospital to go to joe's restaurant and falls asleep there and joe looks at him sooo tenderly and says something like "at least we aren't alone right kaoru?" and it's Sweet bc cherry has troubles sleeping but he feels safe enough to sleep around joe..... don't u wanna scream

here look at them. the kids the parents the squad

#ask #if you're don't intend on watching. well u should. it's just One season anyway. but at Least consider looking up some clips on youtube #or smth #cause they're just cute. they make me so happy

[wench-and-jezebel]

NCIS Reaction: Yankee Whites

Wench (@scripted-downfall) reacts [with (maybe) occasional asides by Jezebel (@typicalopposite)]

The honorable Introductory Conversation, for your viewing pleasure:

Wench: I’m only halfway through my workkkkk. Jezebel: OOOOOF *two minutes later* Wench: Ya know what, heck it.  Episode now, work later.  Cool? Jezebel: YESSSS.  Don’t forget to send me the link too.  I wanna watch with ☠️ I can just work while I do it Wench: kjl;kadjf okay.  I'm gonna dish out some soup first, though. Jezebel: 😂😂😂 ok! Wench: I'm gonna get coffee too Jezebel: You bastaddd Wench: Oh shit, I already had coffee Jezebel: 😂😂 Wench: I thought I'd finished that half an hour ago a;lskdfj.  Clearly it's not doing its job 

I know that our random introductions are amazing, so I gift you with more!  Anyway, on to the ep…

– – –

That opening screen felt like the opening to a Dark Angel alskdfj

New guys are always suspicious; never trust new recruits

[Kateee]  idk who Kate is, but she’s apparently important

Well, I guess they know each other.  But still

Always expect problems.  YES!  Exactly!

[Welp.  Look at that. A problem]  Ma’am, what art thou doing.  [This isn’t even my reaction.  I can’t help it]

Wait.  Didn't he already meet her?

Well shite, buddy's dying.

“What’s wrong with him?”  DO YOU NOT SEE THE FROTH MADAM  ASDLKFJASLDKFJALDKFJ

The president is the murderer, obviously

Whoa, damn.  That's an impressive boat

LOGAN  Er.  Tony.  I mean.

“If we had our own jet-” kasjdf;lksadjf

"Details are sketchy" I see you, Sketchy-from-Dark-Angel reference

alksdjflaksdjf THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T TALK IN ACRONYMS

“NCIS.  Never heard of it” They never have

“Only if you’re dyslexic” Damn, Logan, go off

Loving the recurring conversation about the jet alskdfj

[Ducky] idk who Ducky is either, but cool!

Y'ALL.  STOP TALKING IN ACRONYMS.

Y'all, please, consider the foam.  Please.  That is the best clue you've freaking got.

"Looks like a natural death to me" I'M SORRY?!!??!?!  WHAT THE- WHAT

Stop.  talking.  about.  food.  and focus.  on the possible. poisoning. [Just wait lol]

I.  I'm not sure this is how things are supposed to work.

alaksdjflsakdjfl;ksadfj THIS TIME IT'S LOGAN (er.  Tony) WHO'S STUCK STARING AT THE CONFLICTUAL TENSION FROM THE OUTSIDE

Y'all, handshakes aren't supposed to last that long; now you're just holding hands (cough cough)

They're.  Taking the plane.

I once again am about 99% certain this isn't how things work

This.  Is veryyyy suspect.

lkjas;ldkfjas; Tony, sir.  Now who's a cocky, "happy-go-lucky sociopath."

Y'all, please stop ranting about a model on a magazine and FOCUS ON THE DEAD BODY

I greatly appreciate the Air Force One references

How do you not know liver temp stuff; it's in, like, any CSI episode.  Which clearly exists in this universe

I'm sorry, why.  Why.  Please stop.  Liver temp isn't that accurate

[Good luck keeping up with all the rules]

Tony is indeed Alec-coded, ngl.  And I actually like him okay in this one, thus far.  Cocky little shit?  Yes.  Decently acted?  Thus far.  Aka: not bad, currently.  [Jezebel: 😂😂😂😂😂💕]

MA'AM DO NOT PUT YOUR GLOVES OVER YOUR MOUTH THAT DEFEATS THE POINT OF GLOVES

I swear, every single organization in these kinds of shows are represented as the underdog.  CTU in 24; NCIS in, well, NCIS; CSI in, oh yeah, CSI.  Y’all don’t have to make your organizations cool by making them the unknown-but-not-to-be-underestimated group

I'm.  I'm sorry, but what is Tony's job?  Is he the crime scene photographer/sketch artist or an interviewer or-? [Comedic relief ☠️]  NOOOO  [I mean he is]  FAIR

THE PHOTOGRAPH SCENE IS BEAUTIFUL

"Or the only presidential detail you'll get will be walking Spotty"  ngl, walking the dog doesn't sound too bad

"Where's the body?" "I don't know" … Not that convincing, bud

“Never say you’re sorry” What rule is that?

Oh, damn, no crocheting it?  That poor rule feels so unappreciated

alksdjf They're going to solve the case off of that few-ribs-and-coleslaw evidence, I call it now

NOOOOO TONY  ASJLDFKJA;SDLKFJA;LSKDFJ  Oof

Okay, I admit, that was hilarious

Was that President Logan from 24?  I only got a glimpse (I think it was)

– – –

So, I confess that I kinda forgot until a bit past halfway, but I’m gonna keep up the midpoint reaction thing for these.  SO…  

It's more enjoyable than I've expected thus far, I'm gonna be honest.  Currently --- and idk how I feel about saying this, but... *sigh*, I guess I will --- Tony is indeed top character.  Then Ducky.  Then, I guess, Kate, but I don't feel strongly.  [Yusss!  Successs!  😂😂😂😂 love it!  Also. You haven’t met Abby yet]  This is true!  It does kinda annoy me, however, that they stillllllll seem to be ignoring the fact that the guy had white foam coming out of his mouth because THAT IS A SYMPTOM THAT CAN GIVE THEM A HEADS-UP ABOUT WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN THE AUTOPSY but anyway… *clears throat, calms self*  Not bad thus far!  [☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️]

Now I’m gonna go get that coffee.  Back in a few :)

– – – 

Coffee is obtained; onward we go!

ABBY NAME DROP

"What's this?"  "A mole"  Buddy, leave it to the experts aslkdfj

Sir.  Sir.  Why are you trying to sleep on the autopsy table.  [Cause buddy don’t sleep]  AND AN AUTOPSY TABLE WILL HELP?  [Be prepared for sad ass back story for Gibbs.  Idk what ep]

Health snacks are poison

SEE, SOMEONE HAS ACTUAL BEDS

"Bless you"  "What are you, my priest?"  "... Curse you?"  Abby, I like you already

HER GLOVE.  I’m obsessed [😂😂😂]

lkajsdlfkjsad;lkfj not going after the diet!!!

How can anyone trust what NCIS says at this point?  They're legitimately lying constantly.

I.  Don't trust this "natural death"

He said please!  [I love that you say that… Just wait]  ABBYYYYYY

Y'all, it wasn't a stroke.

CHECK THE DRINKKKKK They don't mention shit unless it's important

Oof.  The Ted-centric scene is a bit sus- OI WHAT DID I SAY

I confess that I didn’t expect him to die, but whatever.  I called it.

“He’s here because his gut is still churning, isn’t it?”  At least it’s not poisoned (yet)

NCIS = Naval Criminal Investigative Service, I see

Y’all.  Why are you eating.  On a plane.  Where you can’t see the preparation.  When a guy died there.  Yesterday.

Ma’am, the fact that you feel the need to justify your choices is telling.  This is very Max-justifying-Eric-coded, just saying

“Everyone on-board has been vetted by us”  Yeah, and the body was allegedly secured by you too, but that ended up being Tony, so.

I love Abby's necklace

That hair is not laboratory-regulation-compliant, but I ignore this for style

"Doesn't appear to be a robbery" Y'ALL.  THE FOAM.  I'M BEGGING YOU.

Abby, you're adorable and I love you

I SAIDDDDDDD THAT IT WAS A TOXIN.  I SAIDDDDD [You did indeeeeed]

You know, maybe, if you’d considered what poisons cause frothing at the mouth, you’d have gotten there faster

Oh, damn, poor... uh.  first dude.  I feel bad for not knowing his name

Damn, Alec-coded characters get no rest; leave Tony alone [Moooood]

Two people in the bathroom isn't suspicious at allllll

THEY WERE THERE FOR A DRINK.  IN PUBLIC.  HOW DO YOU THINK SHE GOT THE POISON SOAKED INTO HIS UNIFORM IN PUBLIC.  THEY WEREN'T DOING COITAL SHIT IN THE DAMN BAR  (Just to be clear, I understand that it was a test.  But still.  It's a stupid test.)

Gibbs, you're kinda an ass.  Just saying.  [Tis true.  You grow to love him but he is lol]

This is so hectic.  The President's whole staff boutta get killed by snakes that aren't even in the room.  [And another one bites the dust.  I’m tired of these mfing snakes on this mfing plane ]

Y'all.  Pay attention to the suspicious guy who immediately turns away

LKSAJFDLKADSJF THE MOVIE.  THEY’RE DOING THE BLOODY MOVIE

I’m crying.  That’s hilarious.

But also.  How tf did Air Force One not change stuff after the movie.

What was the plan there.  How was that possibly gonna do anything.

Oh, no, not the paperwork

Kate gonna go work at NCIS… Maybe you can have relationships with supervisors there

"Pull that crap at NCIS, I won't give you a chance to resign" mmmhmmm

"FBI this", "Secret Service" that… Poor NCIS, getting no love on the television

ngl, I don't think I'd *want* that attention.  Attention means attention for the good, but also attention for the bad

AND WE’RE DONE!

– – –

Unlike Jezebel, I’m cool enough to give you my summary reaction at the end of the liveblogging post, so…First episode was decent!  I'm not in the practice of judging a show by the pilot --- The X Files proved that one, as did Dark Angel (well... the entire first season was misleading, technically) and a number of others --- but it was decent!  And I'm willing to keep watching for (currently) Tony and Abby, so.  I'll do another episode today, I think, and then switch back to my work.  See if I can fit in another at the end of that.  Savvy?  [Sounds good 🙂]

#ncis #ncis reactions #reactions #episode reactions #leroy jethro gibbs #kate todd #tony dinozzo #abby scuito #donald mallard #s01e01 #yankee whites #wench (pr)

[bright-eyed]

Tumblr year in review thing

I posted 2,444 times in 2022

(that's like 7 times a day AND I had a job this whole year... girl. Go do activities and events.)

That's 1,424 more posts than 2021!

132 posts created (5%)

2,312 posts reblogged (95%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@engulfes

@bisexualgirlfriend

@weird-ecologies

@thebaroninthetrees

@pearlydewdrops

I tagged 961 of my posts in 2022

#w - 621 posts

#kennapost - 100 posts

#t - 28 posts

#favorites - 22 posts

#me - 13 posts

#kennacore - 9 posts

#art - 9 posts

#music - 7 posts

#mary oliver - 4 posts

#literally - 4 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#and it’s a really nice experience to feel the connection even if it’s a tenuous and nervous connection with something you don’t much like

(What was i talking abt idk)

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

The way my f*ther will blast tiktok videos out loud in the living room for 12 hours a day every day. So instead of him just wearing the headphones I bought him, I am spending every day in the trenches chanting Stoic philosophy to myself until someday I accept what I cannot control and become a sage, virtuous, free from rage.

29 notes - Posted January 25, 2022

(^ a very Kenna post)

#4

I can't believe so many people not only have a tiktok account but use the tiktok app every day of their lives... Not having a tiktok in the tiktok age is like being the only sober person at a party except it's everyone else in the world who's having a bad time

34 notes - Posted August 18, 2022

#3

Talking to a future i don't believe in in hopes that someday it will respond. Trying not to feel super desperate about it like someone screaming at the sky trying to get answers from god but I don't think I'm above throwing rocks. Winter is hard because everything shrivels up and softness hardens unforgivingly and then there's the fog everywhere almost like how dare you take it for granted don't you remember that it can all go dark but whatever fuck it life is beautiful I'm lucky to have gotten 24 years of meandering. Right?? Have faith or don't. Walk on or lay down in the rain and open your mouth and drown. I'm really trying to remember that this is my choice and that I will have a life. Actually it's fine I'm good I'm listening to bagpipe pirate music now breakdown over

35 notes - Posted November 27, 2022

#2

We are seeing, then, that our experience is altogether momentary. From one point of view, each moment is so elusive and so brief that we cannot even think about it before it has gone. From another point of view, this moment is always here, since we know no other moment than the present moment. It is always dying, always becoming past more rapidly than imagination can conceive. Yet at the same time it is always being born, always new, emerging just as rapidly from that complete unknown which we call the future. Thinking about it almost makes you breathless.

— Alan Watts, The Wisdom of Insecurity

217 notes - Posted January 14, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Sometimes at the birth and death of a day, the opal sky is no color we have words for, the gold shading into blue without the intervening green that is halfway between those colors, the fiery warm colors that are not apricot or crimson or gold, the light morphing second by second so that the sky is more shades of blue than you can count as it fades from where the sun is to the far side where other colors are happening. If you look away for a moment you miss a shade for which there will never be a term, and it is transformed into another and another. The names of the colors are sometimes cages containing what doesn’t belong there, and this is often true of language generally, of the words like woman, man, child, adult, safe, strong, free, true, black, white, rich, poor. We need the words, but use them best knowing they are containers forever spilling over and breaking open. Something is always beyond.

- Rebecca Solnit, Recollections of My Nonexistence

273 notes - Posted January 12, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#putting under a readmore because i'm shy #there's a link at the bottom if other people want theirs #kennapost

[usagihoppu]

Being bipolar is so strange because it's like someone else pilots your life for months. Then you crash back to your actual self and your life's now completely wrecked, and you only have vague memories of why.

I feel like I've literally lived multiple lives. Not in the birth/death sense, but like I have periods of my life where I wake up and I'm hyperfixated on something I've never cared about or even liked.

Let's say for example it's being the best athlete. I spend literally all my money, no I'm not exaggerating, on athletic gear, I train, I make new friends/love interests, lose old friends/love interests. Then like a few months later I wake up and have this moment of clarity of "what the fuck am I doing? I don't even like this, why is my life centered around it?"

So you change back to a "regular" state, and lose those new friends too because the idea of being in that world sounds as fun as walking on glass. And then you just kinda...stagnate until the next one. Often times you actually crash into a major depression after realizing what you did while manic. And then as you heal, you find new interests to make "yours" and not the manic version of yours. Except the next episode cycles in and a whole new fixation on that starts. It all repeats again.

I've been a professional classical musician, indie coffee house musician, drunk and drug fueled nights rock musician, teacher, artist, photographer, programmer, podcaster, streamer, only fans girl, writer, mangaka, animator etc etc etc. Nearly none of these to the quality of someone who actually knows what she's doing. Probably the teaching and music were the only things I had significant success in. Enough to make good money and live on it.

It's literally like I'm an rpg blank slate and someone randomly picks up my character creator and starts a new story then gets bored and leaves halfway through.

I have pushed nearly all my friends out of my life in these episodes and I'm incredibly lucky that a small few love me and understand me enough to know when I'm sick and when I'm me. And they love me regardless and have stuck around.

Idk what I'm really meant to be doing with this post. Venting I guess. Just wanted to shout my thoughts and frustrations into the ether.

#bipolar #mental health #bipolar disorder #bipolar type 1 #bipolar type 2 #depression #vent #rant #mental illness #mental health support

[hollandorks]

SHELBY--

THE FLOOR? HE SLEPT ON THE FLOOR JUST TO MAKE SURE SHE WAS SAFE? That makes me wanna cry. That's so wholesome. I need someone who would sleep on the mf floor to make sure I was safe in my life. The man literally could have carried her to bed. I thought the man was gonna sleep on the couch but THE FLOOR-- Your rendition of Bruce Wayne is the reason I'm single.

Also the man being like "hm my chest is aching. Maybe it's a bruise" AKLSNJF The man prides himself in being so self-aware that he's staying away from her so she doesn't fall in love with him because he's afraid he's not good enough AND YET "maybe it's a bruise". Bruce no, sweetie, you're in love, you idiot. ACCEPT IT. The poor reader's gonna have to go to the brink of DEATH to get him to accept it (SHE IS!) and even then it's a 50/50 chance.

MAXWELL BETRAYED ME. I knew he was an ass, but I really thought it was gonna be some other dude because they had all been different dudes. Also the idea of being locked inside your own body and SOMEONE ELSE IS CONTROLLING IT is terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. Great of you to think of that.

Also I just love the concept that is the reader playing along with Bruce, who is horribly denying the fact he is Batman. She could fully assert it and he'd eventually have to give in, but she's going along with what he's comfortable with and that's the healthiest shit I've ever seen in my life. Not the secret keeping, but the "I'll wait until YOU'RE ready." (Bruce is still winning as the most romantic person in this chapter though for SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR, despite him being very uncomfortable because bruises and wounds and vigilante injuries)

Bruce was probably a surprised pikachu with that kiss. Love that for him. I bet he's craving more and he'll definitely be 100000x harder on himself because they kissed and he's just falling more and more in love with her every second.

Also the way Bruce kept talking to her??? Assuring her the entire time??????? AS IF HE NEEDED TO DO ANYTHING AFTER SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR-- he is such a sweetheart. I love him. If I had fairy godmother, I'd ask for this Bruce Wayne.

THE WAY THEY KNEW ABOUT HER MEETINGS WITH THE BATMAN SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I was like ah yes they took her, just like everyone else and then BOOM! I screamed. My neighbors were (probably) concerned. Everyone is afraid. Lucky for Bruce to be hearing that though! He can plan accordingly, if he hasn't lost his mind yet. Or after he freaks out, he can plan.

I'm eagerly anticipating the next chapter! After the week I've had I could use Batman protecting the reader and kicking ass. YOU'RE AMAZING, in case I haven't said it enough. Just making sure you know that.

⌨️

***CH 18 SPOILERS***

🥰 you're welcome. Bruce never does things halfway or tbh never does them the easy way. Also I am so glad you noticed the bruise thing 😂 I highlighted it on my doc with a comment that says "no you dummy that's love" so I'm glad someone noticed it 😂

And yes Maxwell betrayed you, sorry! I had to make it make more sense for the trap thing to work. So their plan was just whoever she accepted first would take her, pretty much. But do you see now why sometimes I just choose not to respond to certain parts of your asks? 😅

And yes the most terrifying thing ever is having no control over your body (which is honest to god a huge fear of mine and a reason I never get drunk or high or anything ever lol). So I figured it would make for something truly angsty!

"Surprised pikachu" yes he was. Definitely. Like not only is he having to wrap his brain around the fact that she's about to be kidnapped and he can't talk her out of it, plus the fact that she called him by his name and was sleeping in his bed, but now she's kissed him?! I imagine his brain was 100000% blank at that moment. Like poor guy probably short circuited.

Sorry for your neighbors though 😅 I had to up the ante a bit!

Thank you as always!! As I told my other anon I don't know you but I love you. These asks give me life. Like....I can't emphasize that enough 🥺 see you again Saturday after I post the next chapter!

#asks #motn spoilers #anon #⌨️ #⌨️ anon

[monstrousorchids]

BLOG INTRODUCTION.

ABOUT ME: Hi, my name is Eurya. I’m twenty-two years old, and I'm a writer, vidder (with an embarrassing amount of wips) and a lover of the morbid and sensual.

ABOUT MY WRITING: For about ten years now I have been writing stories. Usually I'm focused on my original work, but when I have a writer’s block I love to dabble in my fanfics so I stay sharp. I think it’s a very enjoyable outlet for character studies, theme exploration, or for honing one's skills; working on how you pace your stories; practicing how you write dialogue; exploring your writing voice. And it's really fun to play around with different kinds of worlds and characters that are a customizable, rather than blank, canvas for one's interpretations.

Aside from the themes and genres I've currently dove into—death, sexuality, religion, and gothic, romance, coming-of-age, mystery—I don't quite know how else to describe my writing. 

I am working on a fan fiction inspired by Twilight. It hasn’t been published yet; I'm still on Chapter One, which is only halfway finished and already 21 pages long. (More on that later on!)

ABOUT MY EDITING: I enjoy vidding as a form of storytelling as well!—of bringing images in my head to life in a way that firmly sets its style and tone in a way that I can't through writing alone, of reimagining a story in a different way, of creating new worlds with already existing images. I've been trying to return to the hobby while I am not overly busy with other responsibilities, and have the time to invest myself in it once again.

Frankly, I’m lucky if I can complete one edit within a year. Mostly, I've been creating colorings, but I don't want all that effort to go to waste. This year I feel more inspired to create; I’m hoping to have more fun with it and post it even if they’re unfinished, and make edits for my fics and OC’s as well. 

As for my editing style, I think I lean more towards: narrative-style, reimagining a literary work, making characters with homoerotic subtext very gay for each other, and also experimenting with making modern works look like they came from the 1920s or 1980s and so on.

WHERE TO FIND ME: I upload my edits on YouTube and (will) publish my fanfics on AO3.

#blog intro #about me #fan fic writing #ao3 fanfic #ao3 writer #video editor #writers on tumblr #youtube edits

[whyispotatoheadalreadytaken]

"It's okay. Everyone's survival looks a little bit like death sometimes."

-@andreagibson, Angels Of The Get-Through

The first time I saw Andrea Gibson live, I was a student at Asbury. I drove 3 hours away to find healing within a queer community I desperately needed. I was so excited to get an opportunity to be in that space and feel seen and accepted for who I am. About halfway through, Andrea read us a new poem. The poem began with, "This year is the hardest year of your whole life. So hard you can not see a future most days." And, within an instant, I broke unto an inconsolable mess. So much so that Sonneline tried to reach over and put her arm around me. I shoved it away. I sobbed through the poem's entirety, trying not to bring attention to myself because I was living through the worst year of my life during that time. I was enduring religious trauma after religious trauma with no end in sight. I felt trapped and immobilized in that trauma. Fighting to be seen, heard, understood, or find a scrap of empathy from anyone willing or able to recognize my humanity. That was in April 2015.

I waited five years for that poem to be released in some capacity.

I saw Andrea three times after that. The last time was on February 26th of 2020. About two weeks later, I learned that Asbury had fired two professors rumored to be LGBTQ-affirming. One of those professors helped me survive during my time there. I drove to Nashville from KY, and when I arrived, I noticed pennies on the tables heads up. Lucky pennies. Andrea read Angels Of The Get-Through once more for us. After the show, I checked out the merch and saw a neckless with a dog tag of sorts. I smiled through the tears building in my eyes as I read the words "Angel of the Get-Through" engraved on it. I usually left with a book but couldn't pass the necklace up. I clutched it tight with my lucky penny in hand when I finally found the courage to publicly come out the next day. To come out and finally stand up against this university that had caused me so much pain that seemed to follow me years after graduating. I've worn this necklace every day since.

So, it's no surprise that this poem has been ringing in my ears over the last eight days as Asbury has received national attention and praise for the revival that has broken out on campus. We stopped by the university to see it for ourselves after Marshall and Ashley's Superbowl party. To our surprise, there was no one gatekeeping at the door, so we were allowed inside. The first person we encountered was our dear friend Dani, a current trans student. It was relatively tame then, and our interactions with current and past classmates were mostly positive. Some were unsure of what to say to us. One individual excommunicated my friends Matt and Carly from their friend group for affirming and was at this revival. He briskly walked past us, stopped, did a doubletake, and said, "Hey, guys! I am SO glad you are here tonight!" I couldn't help but cringe.

I had been trying to find respectful words for my feelings but lacked the vocabulary. It wasn't until I read a thread on Twitter about the revival a few days later that I could find words for how I was feeling. I got to vocalize those feelings when some classmates walked into class on Thursday and greeted me, saying,

"Niamh!!! How about that Asbury revival???"

"Well, I would say that, based on what I've seen happening there, there is a distinction between revival and religious euphoria."

But, if anyone would ask me about it, I'm glad it was George. He was just genuinely curious and wanted to know my opinion. I had already had tequila and Baja on the way to class. If I hadn't been buzzed, I might have cried at the thought of someone asking me about Asbury at UK. Our friend Mattie asked to come over and spend the night with us to escape revival. I was honored (which sounds dramatic, but I mean it) that she sought us out to find safety. That's all we've ever wanted to be for queer students at Asbury. A refuge. I had nowhere to go when I was a student. At least, it felt that way at the time. Thousands of people came from all over to see and experience what was happening. My interpretation of that would be so they can use it for political gain/and so they wouldn't be FOMOing. Mattie told us she started to feel unsafe with the number of strangers walking through their buildings and sleeping on the floors. Strange that they won't let the homeless do that any time of the year. She said it was becoming really overwhelming, and her pain of learning about her parent's divorce has been overshadowed by the "revival." She said their divorce is for the best, but she's mad that no one has been around to help her process and offer support because it's not the most important thing happening.

Zoë formulated her feelings in a really tangible way:

"It's complicated. Freshman year me, who was so in love with that place, wants it to be real and for real change to come of it. But it's really painful to watch everyone else living it up and having the best time with my abusive ex."

As someone who leans more agnostic, I can't help but pick the entire thing apart. Historically, all of Asbury's "revivals" have occurred in February. Asbury's class sizes have drastically decreased over the last four years. What better way to bump their admissions if they allow revival to break out? There was talk of revival in the years that I attended, but every time chapel ended, and I stayed behind and skipped class, I was penalized for that. There was no room for revival because the university had nothing to gain from it then.

On November 16th, 2016, I wrote a song called Dear God on the floor of my dorm. It's the most direct and least wordy song I've ever written. I wrote it in about an hour through my tears. I was watching a specific group of privileged people celebrating the election of Donald Trump. They all had a few things in common: straight, white, and male. And I watched a different, much smaller group of people lamenting his election. They all had other things in common: they were not straight, white, or male. I'll never forget my classmate telling me in tears at chapel the day after the election that she would have to tell her children that things would get more challenging for them. Her husband is a DACA recipient. They were already experiencing racism in school for being Mexican.

I had three thoughts come into my mind when writing the song, questions I had wanted answers to from God and never got.

Why don't you love people like me?

What happens to the people in between?

Tell me why there is so much hate if you're not a male, white, and straight?

Why is it hard for people to see that I'm just trying to be who you created me to be?

All of the times I wanted to die and went out of my way to unalive myself in those years, one thing kept me around: if I let them win and have my life, who would be around to keep them from claiming the lives of others?

I can't go yet because there's still so much I need to do.

But, when it is time, will you take me? Will I have done enough for that to be possible, or does none of it even matter just because I'm gay?

"Yeah, Niamh, you did a great job saving the lives of queer kids, but, unfortunately, you, too, are queer, and thus, you are damned for all eternity. Thanks, but get out!"

I just don't get it. I don't understand it.

So, revival has been painful. I want to walk into Hughes Chapel and split the ceiling with my fists.

It will not be true revival until they "repent" for the irreparable damage they've inflicted on their queer students and staff who helped them survive.

So, that, along with everything else in my life, is making it really hard. 

Work stuff got much worse before it got better, and we still aren't entirely out of the woods with that yet. I'm stressed to the max and can't catch a break most days. I can't wake up on time because I'm exhausted in all of the ways. It's just been a hard month. Usually, February is pretty chill before the chaos of March. So, I'm really not looking forward to March Madness this year. Not basketball-related march madness, but the mental health march madness. It's the October of winter/springtime.

Anyway. That's a sad update.