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krizariel · 7 months

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"You need to stop this."

"What?" Tim said, taken aback

"You like me. I have noticed the way you look at me, the way your eyes linger when you think im not looking, how you try to advocate for me in front of Bruce or Dick. The way you always stick around. At first I thought you were just keeping an eye on me making sure I don't go batshit but I'm not an idiot. I know what that is like and you have a big fat crush."

Tim didn't assent or denied, he just stood there, unmoving.

"You need to find someone better. Someone who actually, genuinely, cares for you. I'm an asshole but I'm honest and I'm not one to play around with someone's feelings especially not someone I've come to genuinely respect. Right now, right here, I'm telling you: it's going nowhere. Deal with it however you need to and find someone worth your affections. I'm sure it's out there, it's just not me."

That was the last time Jason saw him.

…With his eyes open that is.

----

When he first heard the news, it hit harder then he let on. A mission with Batman went wrong and Tim was shot in the head. Although Bruce managed to take him to the hospital in time and he survived, he had fallen into a coma. As he stood there while Bruce reported the details, his words suddenly felt further and further until he couldn't hear anything. He didn't want this. Yet another Robin falling for the mission. But most importantly… he never got to make peace with him. Now the last thing he remember of Tim is his saddened eyes quickly turning blank and turning away. Maybe one time he had misplaced hate towards him but he doesn't feel any of it now. He had hurt him before; he didn't want to hurt him again. He thought letting him down fast and hard would be better for Tim… but maybe it was just better for himself. He could've done better but he didn't. So he did what he did when he feels he screwed up and he can't do anything about it: He focused on what he CAN do. The assholes who got Tim were still out there. They escaped while Bruce focused on saving Tim's life. So Jason didn't waste time. He knew Bruce would not rest until he found them so he offered his unsolicited assistance, with the caveat that he cannot refuse. "It's either this or I'll do it my way and we both know you'd prefer it if we do it your way."

(and so would Tim)

(If he was angrier and he broke a more bones than intended, no one said anything)

-----

At first he'd sneak during the night, seat at the further corner of the room, staring at Tim's hospital bed. The room ever so silent tormented him at first.

At first maybe it was torture. Maybe that was the reason why he'd come almost every night. Sometimes he'd doze off for an hour or two and then he'd head out the same way he came.

Later he decided… the least he could do is bring flowers. Maybe. It was too late to find a flower shop so he stole some gardenias he thought were pretty.

Another day he brought some white lilies because they seemed bright and somehow reminded him of Tim.

And so on, different kind of flowers made their way to Tim's bedside table.

(Jason finally found himself inside a flower shop almost at closing time, browsing flowers)

It finally hit him that he doesn't know what Tim's favorite flower is. He thought…that is something he would like to ask him when he wakes up.

Slowly, he found himself getting closer to the bed, keeping the flowers watered and seating in silence, just reading. Somehow knowing that Tim's heart was still beating was good enough. Months passed and this became his routine.

Sometimes, he'd just seat beside Tim's bed to tell him about his day; sometimes he'd read for him some of his own favorite stories (and wondered what did Tim like to read for leisure? what were his favorite books?)

Sometimes he's just have a shitass day and sneak around to Tim's room. No one ever thinks to look for him there. Great hiding place.

Sometimes he feels like talking about his past, his present and wistful future.

And sometimes he wonders if any of it reaches Tim's subconscious, somehow.

He started thinking about Tim opening his eyes. He is starting to forget how he looks awake, fighting or working. It is then that he decided to just loook for photos of Tim… just about any he could find in files or at the mansion. Alfred had quite a few, most of them were of younger Tim.

There were some others of older Tim in the news (Thank you Vicky!) And that brough him back to the last memory he has of Tim's bright blue eyes, clearly heartbroken.

And so he wonders if he could be given another chance to see him again.

If he was granted another chance, he promised this time he'd do anything to make him smile instead.

"Hey there, sleeping beauty." Jason greeted him as he bumped his forehead to Tim's. This close he could see those pretty eyelashes, pretty and still unmoving. But could also feel a bit of Tim's warmth and that was enough. He couldn't help himself and hopes Tim would forgive him for that.

It's been over a year, but Jason hopes. It finally happened, not long afterwards. Tim's eyes finally fluttered open.

"Who are you?"

Part 2 Part 3

#jaytim #jason todd #tim drake #red hood #red robin #was originally going to post this on jaytimweek amnesia #but didnt have time to finish haha #also partially inspired on recent comics were timmy was shot in the neck and bleeding #oh my poor boy #It has a happy ending but you know #i have to put it together #not fic

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anemoiashifts · 22 days

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permashifting & sv!c!dal ideation & early shiftok.

im so fucking scared to post this. tw.

ive been in the shifting community for four/five years now & most of my time was watching quietly from the sidelines up until last july when i made my shiftok account. i want to preface this by saying these are my experiences & observations & ive always been pretty firm on my stance. ive spoke about this (i think) twice on tiktok & will now give some updated insight. i don’t expect everything to agree with me but please don’t jump down my throat for saying what im going to. i respect you, please respect me. cool? yes? okay !!

there are similarities between sv!c!dal ideation & permashifting & im so so sick of people hardly taking about it. what re-sparked this interest in the topic was i saw someone make a video on their views towards the topic & i do resonate with their points heavily. this was the only video ive ever seen of anyone making a video like this minus myself & it’s been long overdue.

to clarify, im not against permashifting completely im against how permashifting is spoken about & how it’s promoted. it’s wayyy too casual & ive seen a lot of triggering things in my comment sections / confession submissions. i used to get about five of these or so (ppl saying they wanted to unalive themselves) a week when i was actively doing them but they’ve since kinda died down. if, me, an account with (at the time) ~15,000 tiktok followers were seeing this, i cannot imagine the kind of messages those 100,000 followers shiftokers were getting.

another thing that i haven’t spoke about too much is the sv!c!de notes id receive. i got about two or three of them. ignoring the overstepping of boundaries & oversharing, my heart goes out to those who submitted those. i think shifting came at a time when everyone was bored & cooped up inside & shiftokers could’ve unknowingly preyed upon people’s loneliness & vulnerability. i remember people could say things like “im k!11!ng myself tonight so I’ll wake up in my dr” & the fact that was even a thing is so beyond horrific. im gonna put some confessions ive gotten in the past just to show you what i was seeing daily at one point. scroll a ways down if you don’t want to to see. sorry ! idk how to blur it but would if i found out how to.

i wanta take a sec to call out all the adult shifters who neglected to speak about this.

i hear people say “but if they didn’t discover shifting they wouldn’t still be here” or “it buys people more time”. i get it. really, i do & i don’t think that’s a bad thing. what i do think the bad thing really is, is the adult shifting creators who enable the kind of talk & push that shifting is this other option without telling people to take care of themselves in this reality. the mental well-being & safety of people should always be put first, especially with spaces involving a lot of children when most of the information comes from the mouths of adults. shifting was popularized by tiktok at the height of c0v!d & everyone was arguably at their lowest. i think the timing in which shifting was introduced helped shiftok get popular at the time (along with harry potter trending, of course) & a lot of ppl saw it as a trend to latch onto & leech off of to grow a platform. i think some people totally — probably unintentionally — took advantage of peoples desperation for an escape for profit. that’s what I’ve felt with some former / earlier shifting creators, anyways. that’s why shiftokers are seen as these figures that were/are looked up to so heavily because they’ve gotten something that people with destructive situations are so desperate for & i think that’s really diabolical & sad.

this post isn’t to shit on shiftokers completely, not the modern shiftokers anyway. i have some really cool mutuals who genuinely post insightful content. i think tiktok has gotten a little better with some bumps every now & then but it’s not as bad as 2020.

i don’t think shiftokers are doing this intentionally. & who knows ? maybe they’re are afraid their audience will get upset or off put or they’ll lose support but the longer we put the conversation off the more people’s mental health will worsen. whatever the reason may be, keeping numbers up or getting “canceled” isn’t worth it at the risk of lives of children. it’s long overdue.

then the idea of escapism comes in. escapism isn’t bad. arguably, most things we do are escapism; reading, scrolling on tumblr. its how we look & obsess & look at that escapism. that’s when it becomes unhealthy. the consept of shifting as an escape from something like depression can exacerbate those feelings of because people do struggle to actually shift. that state of “waiting” to shift can be extremely difficult if you’re not struggling mentally, so if you’re struggling mentally on top of trying to shift without success? also throwing being a minor onto that.

anyways this post was all over the place because i could talk about this for hours. i have no idea if this will ever have a place on tiktok or if I’ll even end up posting this to tumblr. this was very ramble-y but a very important ramble imo. i tried to organize & keep this short to the best of my ability. feel free to agree, disagree but these are my poorly organized thoughts.

a little reminder to enjoy the journey & process of shifting rather then hyper focusing on “the end” of it. take a break if you find you self only thinking about shifting and not doing stuff you gotta do here or if your making yourself sick over it. it isn’t the end of the world if you don’t shift. i believe everyone is here for a reason & i can promise you everything will work out in the end.

to those who resonate with mental health struggles & shifting, my heart goes out to you & only with you the best. be gentle with yourself — that goes for all of you.

#reality shifting #desired reality #shifting #shiftblr #shiftok #shifting motivation #shifting realities #shifter

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rat3ggs · 2 months

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This will be short angst I suppose?

This is my third fic I’ve ever written! I wanted to do Rengoku but for some reason I couldn’t find it in myself to finish it, maybe tomorrow! This fic is short at just 670 words.

Warning; Yandere Douma, controlling behaviour, talks of past injuries (Douma cuts you), gender neutral reader! And as always some bad grammar and punctuation.

His little Lotus.

You joined the eternal paradise cult during a dark time in your life, you were blinded by the leader's charisma and charm.. his open arms around you made you almost forget about all the pains of life.

You’ve always thought you were decent at reading people, god were you wrong. The leader, Douma.. is a very handsome and charming man, the type of man you’d want to introduce to your parents or have as a husband- but you never really seen him in that spotlight.. more as an idol to be cherished and worshipped by his devout followers, you genuinely thought he was god.

It’s humiliating to admit, you also try not to hold it against yourself, he was very smart with the ways he manipulated you- what with all the people gushing about his greatness and how cleansed they feel after confessing their sins, their hopes, their prayers. You read something that said people trust beautiful people more, you can’t help but wonder.. if Douma was ugly would you be in this situation?

You’ll be the first to admit, yes it’s kind of your fault, you should have ran when you had the chance or you should have seen through his lies- but the truth is You genuinely couldn’t, looking back it felt like he had a blindfold wrapped tightly around your eyes and you were just following behind him as he guided you to a cliff, holding his hand while he walked you to your sorry demise.

Perhaps you aren’t dead, but this certainly cannot be living. You sit in a room all day until recently he let you start roaming the room, that kept you entertained for 10 minutes before you grew bored. at least you can bathe alone now, when he’s away at least.. which is almost never. on very VERY rare occasions will let you walk through the shrine grounds, it’s so painfully uncommon, even when you do he follows behind you.

But for now you’ll take solace in being alone before he comes and ruins the day..-

“Hello my beautiful lotus!”

Douma said in a sing-songy voice, with that same smile he always has plastered on his face. You just decide not to answer him and stay in bed, you feel like you're rotting away.

“Oh my, Lotus! you look so bored! do you need someone to talk with?”

He faked a sympathetic voice, at this point you know this monster can’t feel anything. He strides over to the bed and sat cross legged beside you, he then pulls you up effortlessly into his lap, his chest pressed against your back and his arms wrapped tightly around your waist, he rested his head on top of yours, his skin felt so cold..

“Y/N, you can’t stay quiet forever, I’ll get bored!”

The last time he got bored he carved his name into your thigh with his nails, you shivered at the memory, it still stings so much.

“I want to leave, please.”

You didn’t mean to say it like that.. all sorrowful and quiet, but for some reason very suddenly, you couldn’t hold back the floodgate anymore, tears began streaming down your face- quiet sobs escaped your throat as you tried desperately to compose yourself, to not allow this shell of a man the pleasure to see the pain he’s caused you.

“You can’t my dear, you can’t leave. Don’t you remember how broken you were when I found you? Now you're loved and cared for, why are you being so ungrateful?”

He sighed softly and looked up at the ceiling, he glided his fingers over the wound on your thigh that skillfully spelled out his name. He rocked your sobbing form.

“You won’t leave me, Y/N.”

He smiled once more and rested his head back on top of yours, he didn’t say “can’t” or “will not” like a demand, he said it like he was promising you the absolute truth.

You’ll never be able to escape him, will you?

#demon slayer #kny douma #douma #kny #yandere #light angst #douma x reader #demon slayer fic #douma x you #kimetsu no yaiba #kimetsu no yaiba douma #reader insert

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elliescardcollection · 1 year

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I try not to let myself get too worked up over anger directed towards Abby or The Last of Us franchise in general. But since the show did so well and season two is coming, it simply cannot be avoided and I just have to rant for a moment; one of the most irritating arguments about The Last of Us Part II (imo) has to be “Joel just shot Abby’s dad, but she tortured Joel in front of Ellie… so Abby is bad” or “Abby just found her dads body, Ellie watched Joel die.”

Now, I’m one of the biggest Abby apologist out there and even I’m willing to admit, what Abby did to Joel is objectively worse. BUT the people who use this to justify Ellie and villainize Abby, drive me insane. We, as an audience, have all that information and we can make that assessment. However, Ellie and Abby do NOT know ANYTHING about each other. I genuinely don’t think she even fully realized Joel’s importance to Ellie. She let Ellie and Tommy live, which she knew could create issues in the future, but she chose not to kill/punish two ‘innocent’ people for what Joel did. KILLING HER FATHER. Abby is driven by vengeance and in the cruel world of the last of us, this is ‘justice’. it’s a theme through both the games and the tv show.

Abby found Joel and tortured him because she felt justified in making her fathers killer feel her pain. Ellie followed Abby and co. all the way back to Seattle and killed everyone who meant anything to Abby because she felt justified to make Joel’s killer feel the same pain. It’s not about who was more wrong.

The Last of Us Part II changed me in ways I cannot explain. The first time I played the game, I was so on board with Ellie. I felt so justified in killing Abby no matter the cost… and when she started torturing Nora in the same way they did with joel, I encouraged her. I remember thinking ‘It’s fictional, it’s a video game, it’s justice in this world and nora deserves it.’ It wasn’t until the end of Abby’s day two when Owen hits Abby with “maybe we stopped looking for the light” and shortly after it cuts to a dream. Not a nightmare like she had been having throughout the game, but a dream. Walking down that same dark hallway, but this time a bright, white light shining through the door to the operating room where she had found her dads body, only this time he was alive, smiling back at her. It clicked in my head, this was a real person to her. It wasn’t just some faceless npc, It was her father. He was her light. And joel took him from her. It FORCED me to look past my own bias and challenge my own beliefs and world views. It made me a better, more understanding and more empathetic person.

Ellie killed all of her friends and half of Seattle for the same reason that Abby killed Joel. And by the end Ellie still didn’t even know why Joel was killed to begin with. When she and Abby meet at the theater, she offers herself up to save Tommy. Saying, “I know why you killed Joel. He did what he did to save me. There is no cure because of me, I’m the one you want!” But Abby didn’t care about the cure, she cared about the people she loved and she JUST found Owen, who was arguably the most impactful (Seattle) death for Abby. The person closest to her, the person who held her when she lost her father, was killed by the people she chose to spare. And so the cycle of violence continues.

People are inherently selfish. We are narrowed minded creature who don’t often look outside of our own perspective. When Abby killed Joel, she was so focused on retribution, that the thought of her taking someone else’s light didn’t even cross her mind. Which is why the ending is so impactful to me. Ellie recognized it. She realized that if she killed Abby, she was taking something away from Lev. The same thing Joel did to Abby and the same thing Abby did to Ellie. Ellie ended the cycle.

TLDR: Ellie and Abby know nothing about each other and are viewing the events of the games exclusively from their own egocentric view. BOTH of them did awful things but BOTH were ‘justified’ in their actions, regardless of who was more at fault.

#THE LAST OF US SPOILERS #TLOU SPOILERS #RANT #TLDR #the last of us #the last of us part 2 #tlou #tlou2 #ellie williams #joel miller #Abby Anderson

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welkinsky · 1 year

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Chishiya X Reader | Begin Again

WARNING: Spoilers, curse words & death!

Author's Note: Thank you so much for your support and reblogs, as always! I see and appreciate each one of you! This is a PART OF A SERIES so people who are just reading this one post for the first time might not understand the context please read the parts linked below.

Part 1 | ... | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 (This is the last Part)

Cut to the time after everyone killed King Of Spade.

Everyone was injured badly. You got knocked out and both your legs were badly injured as he stabbed you so that you cannot run away. But before he could get a hold of you, Arisu distracted him with his gun.

You got back to your consciousness because of the blast. You could hear Arisu and Usagi talking but because of the loss of blood, you couldn't talk at all.

You could feel losing control of your body but then HIS face popped up and you realized what was happening. You were dying. You have to snap back, this can't be the end. He promised to be there once you go back. You have to go back. You shot your eyes open and with blurry vision, you could make out that Kuina was lying to your top right. You crawled to her with your vision still blurry partially because of the loss of blood and also because of the blood running down your forehead into your eyes.

"Hey, Hey!" you tried waking her up and succeeded. "Don't close your eyes," you ordered her. She completely trusted you so she did as you asked. She muttered, "Ann"

You understood that she was asking you to take a look at her too. Before you could look around, you heard her weak voice, "Still here."

"Good, Keep talking and keep your eyes open," you asked her and she hummed. You lay there trying to get your vision back and you finally did.

You looked up, in the direction of the road that leads to Chishiya. "Go," Kuina said with a chuckle as she looked at you. "Well be fine." Ann supported.

"Promise me I'll see you both on the other side?" you said now holding hands with both of them. They were quiet but their giggle was enough to tell you that they were still strong.

You tried getting up but none of your legs worked. But you didn't have time to worry about any of that. So you started crawling. Since there was no sensation in your legs the scratches that you were getting from the road were not affecting you that much.

"Come here" someone picked you up. It was Aguni. "Oh thank god you're okay!" As you hugged him, you could feel the wetness on his abdomen. He was not okay.

But he still lead you to Chishiya whose natural poker face now showed worry. As Aguni laid you down next to him. They both nodded at each other. "Take care of her," he said as he walked away.

"What happened?" he said leaning against the car. He was too weak to move as well but he tried his best and you could see how much he was struggling to lift an arm. "Stop," you said looking at him intently. "Stay with me. As long as we can," you said as you placed a hand on his cheek to which he gratefully leaned. He hated how cold it felt. The same hand that provided him warmth and comfort was now cold as a knife.

"What if we forget everything once we go back?" you asked still looking at him. You wanted to take in as much as you can in your memory. You didn't want to lose him again.

"I'll come to you. It'll happen naturally," he said smiling. "Y/n what if you didn't like the kind of person I was back there?" he said rubbing his thumb over your hand, that is the only comfort he can provide right now.

"I'll paint the picture all over again remember?" you said giving him a genuine smile. His touch was comforting. All his sexual rizz aside, you can live with this alone. Knowing that you can see him and talk to him. That is how you knew you want to be with him even in the real world without all these dopamine kicks you get in Borderlands with all the games. A normal simple life with him sounds nice.

"As long as you're not a dealer or a murderer we're good," you said to lighten the mood. He chuckled to himself thinking that in a way he is but he decided to leave that life behind and start new for himself and to live up to your faith in him, "quite opposite actually. I'm a doctor."

"Wha- Oh man you're smart AND rich? My mum is going to be so pleased by my first ever good decision in life." you laughed. He on the other hand realized that HE CAN MARRY YOU! He always imagined how it'd be when you two were at the beach but now he can actually do it.

He felt his eyes watering and that is when the firework started. "Did they do it?" you asked. "I think they did," he said smirking.

Then the voice from the game asked you all to either go back or become a permanent residents. "I decline," you said with tears in your eyes. Finally, it was over. Chishiya looked over to you and said, "I want to turn it down." took a pause and then said teasingly, "I think." You gave him a look to which he smiled adoring you.

"What are you gonna say?" he said loudly. Then you remembered Niragi was there too who declined with a weak voice. You tried to look at him but couldn't move and as you turned back, Chishiya pulled you weakly in a kiss, "Remember me okay?"

Before you could answer, everything got black.

You could hear beeping sounds and people talking but you couldn't open your eyes. You tried moving your limbs but couldn't. You focused on the voices around you to hear where were you.

The last thing you remember was that you got late from lunch and were rushing back to your office and you bumped into a blonde guy. And embarrassed yourself because you couldn't take your eyes off of him as he was helping you with picking up your paperwork. You snapped out of it when you heard loud fireworks.

But where are you now? It sounds like a hospital with all the beeping sounds. You could hear a nearby curtain open, was it yours? Why were you in a hospital?

"She lost a lot of blood." one of the voice said. Wait were they talking about you? You can hear a random voice in your head, "I'll come to you." This kept repeating in your head. Then you heard the same voice, "What happened to her?" he asked gently. "She lost a lot of blood and because of the nerve damage so she might be in a coma. But we still need to wait and see if that is the case."

Wait you were in a coma? NO! And that is how you jerked your eyes open. "Well, she looks fine to me." The voice now had a face, a handsome one. The same guy who you bumped into earlier now looking at you with a smirk. "Oh you're up!" the nurse said. You paid no attention to her because you couldn't peel your eyes off the guy who was standing there and doing the same to you.

As the nurse left he introduced himself, "Chishiya."

And that is how it all began again.

Part 1 | ... | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 (This is the last Part)

----------------------------

Thanks For Reading and for all the support! This was the last part. Now If you have any fluff or headcanon request for AIB characters feel free to send an ask!

Have an amazing week <3

Alice In Borderland Materlist

If you liked it you can check out the masterlist too!

A-Z Headcanon

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spiderlegeyelashes · 3 months

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i'm being a wet diaper about friendship warning

how do you say to someone "it feels weird to me that you can talk to me about your friends for hours to the point that i know almost everything about them even though i've never met them, yet they have never even heard my name. of course i explain it to myself that ooooh u just like talking to me so u tell me all about them because u want to, and u dont feel the need to tell those other friends about such things, but eh. you are doing everything right, you are very nice to me, but the longer i spend time with you the more i feel like supporting cast, like a friend side character. it feels like ur living a show over there with those people and i'm just the friend on the phone that makes an appearance a few times a season just to play the role of a friend. and this isn't to say that i doubt your feelings toward me, i know you care about me and you like me and you do want to spend time with me, ur life is just happening over there now, in this endless cicle of thrill chasing and rich kids and i'm not very exciting to you. nothing wrong with that. but i can't remember a single thing you like about me that is mine. what i know you like about me are the things i say and how much i love my friends(?i don'tget it but u said that), you really do value my opinion a lot, and of course that is all very sweet in it's own way, but these are all things that exist in relation to our friendship. what do you even like about me that has nothing to do with other people? and i realised i'm drawing a blank. over the last months i've felt so pathetic around you, i don't feel like a real person worth liking outside of what they can do for you, and it's driving me insane. especially since you're doing nothing wrong. you are very kind to me, you try to do all the right things, you really do put a lot of effort into talking to me and reassuring me sometimes that you do respect me and whatever but there is still something that makes me feel small and pathetic around you. something in your face, something in your actions, something in your tone. i'm glad i still make you happy, but i do not make you particularly excited anymore. you even said it yesterday, you said something about how the things i have going on or the things we do together aren't exciting to you so you don't really talk about me with anyone. and there's nothing inherently wrong with that, you just care about me in a different way. but i just feel like an old toy. i think we are too close, i dont think you are the type of person i'd want to let in this close, and it sucks because i know you do really care for me, and i care about you, but i cannot bare feeling like plain bread or an old toy. i need to find people who genuinely like ME again, most of the ones i knew either moved away, or we lost touch, or they simply changed, and i think i'm going a little insane. i feel a little bad for feeling this way because last time i let it be known i felt really bad with something you were awfully hurt that i'd even think you could possibly be so mean, and i know you meant it. i don't know what to do or say. you make me feel small, i'm really sorry" ? <- because definitely not like that.

#ughhh

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1000-directions · 8 months

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good stuff 9-16-23

had such good coffee this morning and the barista told me that they will have new fall flavors next weekend, i'm so excited. PLUS they were like, 'remember that spiced white chocolate coffee you really liked? that's coming back in a few months' and like first of all, i'm super excited to drink it, but also that coffee flavor is from like almost a year ago and i can't believe they remembered that i liked it, honestly i had forgotten about it because it had been so long. i was very pleasantly surprised that they remembered, but they are right, i loved it, and i'm so excited :))

yesterday i texted a friend who used to live here but moved away about four or five years ago, someone i knew for years and cared about a lot and saw probably at least once a month. and i've been terrible about keeping in touch since she left. but yesterday i was really feeling the empty space in my life that she used to take up and i reached out, and she wrote back today and we caught up, and it was really nice.

i did some meal planning for the week, easy meals ONLY, and i got all my groceries. on a whim, i decided i wanted to make a baked potato for dinner. i genuinely cannot remember the last time i ate a baked potato. i don't think i've ever made one as an adult. i love potatoes, that's just not how i prepare them! but today i decided i wanted to make a baked potato with broccoli and cheese, and i made a cheese sauce from scratch and roasted some broccoli while the potato cooked. i made too much cheese sauce, and the potato took forever, so i dipped tortilla chips into the extra cheese as a snack while waiting for the potato to finish cooking and it was sooooo yummy. i wasn't sure that just a potato would feel like enough of a meal, but i topped it with like a whole head of broccoli lol and i felt very full and satisfied. i love potatoes!!! and i will have good and easy lunches and dinners this week.

#good stuff 2k23 #food cw #coffee

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rolling-restart · 6 hours

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Hello! I know it’s been a hot minute since Desecration has been updated and I hope this doesn’t come across as me poking for an update, I just really genuinely love the story so very much

I originally found it around summer of 2023 and after reading it in full I really had to take a month to process it (in a good way!) and realized I couldn’t stop thinking about it and *had* to reread it, which is when I fell in love with it

Nico and Toto’s backstory fascinates me so much and is actually the reason I started reading a lot about Nico himself (and now he’s currently one of my favorite drivers) and the end game Nico/Jenson really created a soft spot for Princess Cake in my heart, I think of Desecration Nico and Jenson so fondly

Additionally your bits of Smick I’m absolutely feral over - Seb and Mick’s belongings intertwining so that Daniel couldn’t tell where they started and ended was the sweetest thing ever, and the cute German pet names made me melt!

On a more angst-ier note, Seb trying to keep Mick in the dark thinking it would help to protect Mick, only to cause Mick to distance himself from Seb hurt so incredibly good I cannot stress that enough how amazingly painful that was to read, I literally think about them once a week

Of course there’s so much I could talk about with Toto and George as well, I don’t even know where to start - the extreme angst and anguish George goes through is just, I don’t have the words but in such a good way. I genuinely think about Desecration multiple times a week and it has stayed one of my very favorite Formula 1 fics for nearly a year now

I introduced it to one of my friends who wasn’t interested in Formula 1 and now they’re a George Russell fan which has been incredibly fun and has really given a whole new fun aspect to our friendship to talk about Desecration over <3

Additionally (so sorry for so much talking, I just really do love this fic) I’ve been listening to the playlists you’ve made these past couple days and honestly I really can’t explain how much I love them, they’ve kept me company while I stress over finals XD

All in all no matter what you choose to do with this fic I really do love every aspect of it, the highs and the lows are both so incredible to me and I think I will always find the characters and their relationships fascinating to me - I wholeheartedly think about Nico, Jenson, and Toto as well as Sebastian and Mick at least once a week

(Apologies if it sounds like I don’t care about George and Daniel, I very much do but for some reason the “side characters” are very intriguing to me, perhaps because their stories still have yet to unfold in detail?)

Hi wow, hello!

First of all thank you for getting this ask together, I didn’t know I needed to remember desecration in this light and it somehow made me very emotional. The best thing a writer can know is that their work touched someone in some way, it’s been on other people’s minds and if they are the luckiest, that it helped other people connect. I honestly met one of the most amazing people I know thanks to desecration.

A bit of background about the writing of desecration. I started in 2022 summer, I think, was my last year in education as well.

I don’t know what pushed me but now I look back, I know what I tried to say with it: I’m here, I am real, my pain is also real and it matters and I will put it in a shape that it will matter to other people too. I wanted witnesses to the sometimes wild ideas and a very human pain that graced my brain. I almost always wrote it in moments of hyperfixation. Every time someone understood what I gestured at in the story, I felt understood as a person as well.

I am a different person from the one who wrote desecration now, and it’s difficult for me to read it again. I first thought it was because I was more in peace now and I didn’t want to ruin the peace by reminding myself of a darker time. But now I see that I am more out of hope than I’ve ever been and I don’t have the resilience to face the reality of myself I buried there, at least, not at this moment.

On the playlists, I built them with so much love and care. I’m so happy to hear you love and listen to them still.

About the story itself… I am actually glad people give love to side stories as much as the main story because I cared so much about them as well. Nico and Jenson there was my emotional anchor and Smick was the proof of untainted good intentions. I am not a big fan of miscommunication trope so I hope it was obvious that wasn’t what I was going for with Mick. It was the balancing act of shielding someone as much as respecting them, to super-simplify it.

Please reach out to me if you want to talk about it more, I always adore talking about desecration! And thanks for reading and loving it, and hopefully, seeing a part of me as well!

#answered asks #desecration: gr/tw fic

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drarrily-we-row-along · 2 years

Text

Festival (Part 3)

Start here if you'd like!

Harry genuinely cannot remember the last time that he was this nervous.

He stood outside the address Draco had given him for the gallery opening and watched as other people wandered in and felt like maybe he should have dressed differently. Maybe settling for a band t-shirt tucked into his jeans, and a suit jacket thrown on top was too casual. Maybe this had been some sort of test that Draco was setting for him, if that was the case he was destined to fail spectacularly.

"Hey," a voice breathed next to his ear a moment before he apparated away to change his clothes.

He turned to see Draco standing there wearing a pair of skin tight black leggings that tapered into thigh high lace up black boots; a black button up shirt with billowing sleeves, top four buttons undone; and a pale pink lace corset that emphasized their narrow waist.

"Sweet Merlin," Harry breathed, eyes raking over Draco's body once more before taking in their hair. They'd done an elaborate plait, smaller braids twisting together before collecting into one. "You-" he broke off and shook his head at a loss. "You look fucking gorgeous."

They preened, tilting their head down demurely so that Harry caught the hint of glitter that graced their cheeks and collarbones.

"I feel like an absolute troll."

At that, Draco looked up, head tilting as they took in Harry's appearance. "Why?"

He rolled his eyes, "I should-"

"Are you comfortable in the outfit you're wearing?"

Harry shrugged, "I guess, but I feel like I should have dressed up-"

"You look perfect," Draco interrupted. "If you feel comfortable in your own skin, that's good enough." They smiled and trailed a finger along Harry's jaw. "You," they said, "just as you are, are good enough."

His jaw clenched and he had to look away, eyes stinging.

"Did you need someone to tell you that?" they asked, softly, gently. "Harry," they murmured and he glanced up at them. "You're enough."

"Thanks," he whispered.

Draco's mouth quirked into a small grin, "pleasure," they replied. "Ready to go look at some art?"

"As I'll ever be," he replied dryly, feeling more out of his depth by the minute.

Their smile melted a little bit, brow furrowing, "You don't have to do this. I'm sorry if I made you fee-"

"It's not that," he protested quickly, scrubbing a hand through his hair. "Sorry. I'm just feeling really-" he broke off searching for the right word, "Insecure?"

"You are Harry fucking Potter," Draco said fiercely. "You've slayed dark lords, and fought in wars, you actually died," they added. "And you sassed back at teachers who used their power over you to treat you badly."

He blinked, unsure what to say.

"Who are you?" they asked. "How did this happen to you?"

"I like you," he blurted.

"And?"

He shrugged, "I feel like you are significantly cooler than I am."

The corner of Draco's mouth turned up, "I'm not. I just really don't care what people think of me."

"I care what you think of me," Harry clarified.

"Good thing I already like you, then."

He ducked his head, smiling down at the sidewalk, "thanks."

"Don't mention it," Draco said, looping their arm through Harry's, "it's tremendously good for my ego."

Harry laughed and allowed Draco to lead him into the gallery.

----------------

When they emerged, two hours later, Harry was still laughing. Draco had spent the majority of the time talking with Harry, teaching him about art but not in the boring way that other people did. They knew funny facts about history, techniques, and the person who'd made the art in the gallery. And Harry was beside himself with giddiness.

"Thanks for coming with me," Draco said as they wandered down the street with no particular destination in mind.

"My pleasure," he said. "Genuinely."

Draco's shoulder bumped his, "you don't have to be nice."

"I mean it!" he protested.

He glanced over to see a small, pleased smile curling the corner of their mouth and he couldn't help the way his own lips curved in delight.

"Have a drink with me?"

Draco looked over at him, "I don't drink."

"Oh?" he asked, "Alright-"

"It's not about you," they said quickly.

"Yeah," he agreed. "I didn't think it was," Harry smiled at him.

Draco's shoulders relaxed a bit, "Oh."

"Would you like to get a cup of coffee?" he asked instead.

They nodded, "Thank you," and the genuine way they said it told Harry that was a boundary that hadn't been easy to hold.

"I like you," he said, not quite what he'd meant initially but the sweet flush that bloomed on Draco's cheeks was enough that he couldn't mind the slip. "A lot," he said. "I don't care where we go, I just want to get to know you better."

"There's a coffee shop I know," they offered, "they're open late. There's a corner with some cozy armchairs."

He grinned, "Sounds perfect."

Harry followed Draco's lead, letting them wax poetic about the art they'd seen, about the streetlamps, and the people out smoking. And Harry became impossibly more besotted with them.

They found their way to the chairs in the corner, cups of coffee in their hands, and snuggled into them to chat. Before Harry knew it, one of the baristas was making her way over to let them know they'd be closing in ten minutes.

Draco checked their watch, "Circe," they said, "has it really been that long?"

He stood and stretched, chuckling at the look of incredulity on Draco's face. "Time flies and all that," he said. "Can I walk you?"

Draco looked up at him, "That's awfully chivalrous."

"What can I say?" he grinned, "Gryffindor and all that."

Draco laughed and their hand tentatively brushed against Harry's, finger curving over his knuckles.

With a little burst of bravery Harry tangled their fingers together.

"Gryffindor indeed," they murmured, a pleased smile curving up their lips.

He walked several blocks until they reached an apparition point.

"This was really fun," Harry murmured.

Draco dipped their head, nodding a bit, "it was."

"I'd like to do it again sometime."

They smiled and tucked a loose strand of hair behind their ear, "me too." Then before Harry could say something more, Draco continued, "I've gotten the sketches done for the kitchen."

"Oh," he said, surprised that Draco had finished them so quickly.

"I could come over tomorrow, if that would suit?"

"Yeah," he replied, nodding for emphasis. "Yeah, whenever you'd like."

"Lunch time?" Draco offered. "I'm trying to finish up a sunrise series right now-"

"Lunch is perfect," Harry said, "and if you're working on a sunrise set of paintings, you should definitely go to bed now since sunrise is in-"

He started to look at his watch but Draco beat him to it, "about 5 hours."

"Five hours," he repeated, "Sorry I've kept you so late-"

"It was my choice," Draco replied, catching under Harry's chin with their pointer finger and tilting Harry's face up, "I wouldn't change a thing."

"Tell me how you feel about that in the morning," he said with a little laugh.

Draco hummed softly then leaned forward to press a quick kiss to the corner of Harry's mouth.

Before Harry could so much as move, Draco was spinning away and making their way to the apparation point. "See you tomorrow," they said as they disappeared.

His fingers drifted up to trail over the tingling spot where Draco's lips had been a moment before. He was so far over his head, he had no idea where this was going, but he couldn't be arsed to care. He was too happy.

------------------------------

Part 2 | Part 4

Read more of my gentle July ficlets

#drarry #drabble #part 3 #listen. i still don't make the rules for the muse.#My life has been blown up a bit... sorry for my absence! <3 #love #soft #genderfluid draco #harry's besotted #so it the author #fluff #artist draco #gentle july

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pen-observing · 2 years

Text

i realize...

synopsis: with the limited time ayato and you have left to spare in mondstadt, you know that there are things on which your mind and heart have to come to an agreement about.

part ix of my ayato series titled ‘reinvention’. word count: 3.5k warnings: none.

the morning after seemed a true respite from the overflowing emotions that overtook you. never had the bed covers felt softer, never had you woken up feeling that their very scent was calming – and never were you glad to feel empty.

not the desperate and insufferable kind of empty. if anything, you saw that emptiness the same way an inspired artist sees a blank piece of paper. true respite. true calm. reminders of how tranquillity works and the ebbs and flows it leaps around.

you spent the night crying in ayato’s arms. that much you remember clearly. some things you remember better than others. his worried face, for one, you remember. his eyes. the fact that they expressed all of his emotions towards your state, so much so, that there was no need to verbalize questions at all.

‘i am worried about you’ - was expressed in his gentle hold. ‘you will be okay, i truly believe that.’ - existed in his soft fingertips as they brushed off tears. ‘i will help you.’ - lived in the glass of water he made sure you would occasionally take sips of. ‘i do not see you as someone to blame.’ in the way he gently laid you down on the bed. and perhaps his strongest sentiment: ‘i am glad you are here with me.’ – in the way he held you close and gently played with your hair so that the dreamland would not be scary.

you do not remember for how long the tears fell for but you remember sharing his strongest sentiment. you were glad you came into his room. glad you did not run off to kaeya’s embrace instead even if that thought occasionally flashed and disguised itself as a true idea.

it seemed like a meltdown on your part, so waking up and seeing a note on the pillow next to you, instead of ayato’s eyes on you again; also felt like a respite from it all. the note, written in delicate pen work, made you smile.

‘i have left two glasses of water on the table. be careful when you wake up. i’ve also told thoma not to disturb you but the two of you should have breakfast together. i am incredibly sorry that i cannot be there when you wake up. i wanted to, but my next business partner, diluc ragnivir who i am assuming is more familiar to you than me, personally came to escort me to his manor.

i will be back before you know it. the sooner that i put an end to these talks the sooner you can give me a better tour of the city. i want to see which places meant a lot to you when you were younger.

please, do not skip breakfast by any means.’

you were starting to think that ayato always manages to say a few words which somehow bring comfort. is he aware of that?

regardless, after getting up carefully and taking a few sips from the glass, you did as ayato suggested. this was a simple way to repay all the worrying he managed to express both wordlessly last night; and in between words on a simple piece of paper this morning.

the breakfast with thoma was a quiet one but neither of you felt uncomfortable. if anything, you could feel that ayato had instructed him to take care of you. but also, you knew that thoma was a close friend, he would have done the same even without ayato’s instruction.

that is why you know how genuine his words are when they ask you: “would you like to go to the fountain with me?”

the mondstadt fountain at the plaza is one of those places that seem so ordinary as you grow but it is actually one of those you miss if you ever depart for another town. thoma and you both know that so his suggestion becomes even more meaningful.

sitting here, like these are just simple stairs, a few drops of water touching your back – reminds you both of childhood. maybe thoma and you did not play together, or if you did it was so brief both of you grew to forget it but – doing this exact thing was a tradition among all kids. playing, running, hiding and then sitting down here before someone eventually tried to push you in. watching the coins shimmer and get distorted and competing on who can collect more before elders chase you off while making wishes yourself.

and as you sit here with thoma, you remember it all. this fountain truly made you believe in miracles. many times did you watch people cry alone while throwing the coin and letting fate and hope hold onto their biggest wishes; many times did you see those people return and cry again but with tears that made you glad; sometimes they even returned with the loved ones their lips mentioned in whispers.

and when you remember it all – you think that you know why thoma brought you here specifically.

“thoma?” “yes?” “i know why you brought me here.”

instead of looking at you, thoma looks straight at the main gate.

“i suppose it was time to finally bring it up, huh?” “i suppose… i am aware that ayato probably told you something.”

and thoma is still sure you do not know half of the things ayato says to him about you and how tender they sound, but he still nods.

“he told me, briefly, about what happened yesterday.” thoma’s eyes are still locked onto the gate. you know that he is thinking of how brief this trip truly is. you wonder if he will outwardly state it.

“i thought that you would like to be here, i mean.” is what thoma says instead. “why?” “why not throw a coin like when you were little? why not let fate help you?”

thoma’s suggestion comes from the endless goodness of his gentle heart. but people throw those coins when they have a clear vision of what they want, they throw those coins when they have no choices but to rely on anything else. you would feel defeated if you did that.

entrusting things to fate and trusting that this fountain really gives miracles is one thing. but, throwing a coin instead of relying on yourself seems like a cowardly move. seems like a humiliation to all this time that has passed and all that you have experienced. It would undo all growth.

instead of taking the coin thoma holds out towards you, you close his palm around it instead.

“i do not need to wish for this to be resolved, thoma. i believe that i can do it myself.”

thoma takes notice of your conviction. as a true friend, he trusts you and he trusts that you are capable to work this out. ayato also told him to give you freedom when it is necessary, true care entails it.

he puts the coin back into his pocket.

“well, i suppose i should leave you alone now while you think. maybe i should go and see if they are selling any special flowers for windblume this year.”

when thoma departs, leaving you alone, he does it with a smile. he does not know what conclusion you will come to, or even if you will come to any at all, but he knows that such things are fine too. just thinking is enough sometimes.

and really, you do believe that you can do it yourself. because you must. the current situation has to do with your emotions, your memories and your hopes. another person cannot feel what you do, another human cannot walk inside the memory doors and see all the details that made someone special; another person cannot hold the same hopes as you.

it is not a matter of being egotistical, it is a matter of responsibility. you must have ownership over your own actions and the sooner you clear this up to yourself, the easier and the better it is for everyone.

but clear what up exactly? the question of who you love? your own manners towards this city? people in it? clear up the way you heart beats when you think and remember? crystallise which memories are more important than others?

all you know, is that you feel. about what, towards who and how; are all things that intertwine and constantly merge. you need to clear up the very reasons for those feelings; and the two men that cannot be separated from them no matter how hard you may try.

but, the fountain has always been a place of hoping to you. it is not a place where you should sit and think. the statue in front of the church is. that’s place you came to every time kaeya and you would have a silly argument. and it is also the place you came to after he betrayed your biggest hopes.

as you get up and take a walk towards it; you can’t help but to think that your feelings towards this city are as clear now as they were when you were smaller. you love this city. you love the way people hope and grieve in it. you love how things start and end here; and how despite it all, people are free to do so. people are free to feel and exist as humans here. you are one of them. and as you climb up to sit in the hands on the statue – you can’t help but think that is the most fortunate thing.

you are allowed to sit here for hours and try to find methodology in madness. the hands holding you up will not go anywhere, and while the time passes – it does so as a friend meant to help. never an enemy. you can see that now.

the first step would be to thank time for being wonderous enough and kind enough to allow you an opportunity to see things more clearly. to feel them too. time sometimes means distance itself but it is not malice or wickedness that you were away from this place for months.

it was a gift time bestowed upon you. then, first step is naturally followed by the next.

now that you gave your thanks, it is easier to breathe; because you are not cursing time for taking something away; you are being grateful that it gave you more chances. it is a catharsis. so, getting to the second step starts to become easier.

to find some methodology; you need to connect it to time. what is your past? what is your present? and what will be your future?

your past lies where kaeya is. that is undeniable. your present is this moment right now, swinging your legs back and forth with much on your mind while ayato is visiting diluc. you smile thinking if he will ever guess how close diluc and kaeya once were. it’s been a while but you know that if he asks about the ugly vase – there is a chance. Ugh, here you are, thinking about your past while wondering about your present. if you were less mature and didn’t know that is just how human minds work – you’d get upset and mad.

but, others gave you kindness and you need to extend it towards yourself. still, what is your future? better yet; who is your future?

the emotional and the rational grow into one another again, and you cannot separate them. that means, step number three is upon you.

how do you simplify it all?

you simplify it by taking parts of it away. not to break them or throw them out; but to hold them in between your very hands and carefully look them over one by one.

and while that could be difficult, it proves to be quite easy for you. because the second that you think it – you see kaeya descending the stairs of the headquarters. he is far enough, he is at a distance, he is your past and he probably won’t notice you. the rhythm of his steps is the same one he had when you walked together. it has not changed at all. now that you think of it, has kaeya ever changed it? you remember that you would always slightly pick up your stride while he seemed to be walking with a distant goal held at the very end of the horizon.

that is why you are so used to it. used to seeing him like that. you are used to seeing kaeya in front of you, rarely next to you. your past self remembers such things much more than you do right now. is it really possible that it only shows itself clearly now? how strong were your emotions to not take notice of it while it was happening?

maybe the reason you are able to notice it now is the very distance? seeing it quite clearly, through emotions that seemed to be washed away like shells, puts things into perspective.

you are in the present. if emotions were swept away by waters on both sides; why does it seem like kaeya is standing still in time? his voice, his pace, his steps, his hands, his eyes, his words, his whole existence is the same it was months ago. and, somehow it makes you sad. has he not moved from the spot at all since you’ve left? should it be a flattery or a reason to never speak to him again? kaeya, despite it all, deserved to continue growing in your mind. you shouldn’t be the reason he stays the same. what if his feelings did not change?

you are starting to overthink it all again. simplify. hold things in your hand and examine them.

yes, imagine holding your memories and your past with kaeya inside of your palms. what do they look like? what kind of memories are there? can you reach inside and see?

and, as you imagine doing so – reaching to grasp them – you realize that those are memories of distance. they are not true; rather, they are ghosts that live on. and, these ghosts, while incredibly beautiful until the moment they shattered; cannot clearly be seen or felt anymore.

‘it was’ and ‘it makes a difference right now’ are two completely different sides to how one can view things. and this makes you realize that while kaeya has not changed – you have. kaeya did not ask for forgiveness but before; you wanted him to and you wanted to know why he said no. now, however, you feel okay with not knowing. because it would make no difference to you.

maybe it sounds cold but..you remember kaeya being the same way. cold hearts sometimes bring peace. before, kaeya was the name on your lips and the central image of your thoughts. now, you don’t think you could actually call out to him. all you could do is give him some advice.

your very own feelings about him are clear after simplifying it all.

Instead of calling out his name, you would tell kaeya to let you go. even if all this time it seemed like he had done so – when he told you no, when he betrayed your hopes and plans for the future – kaeya kept holding onto you. in his own way. and, you are afraid that he needs to hear it clearly now. he needs to know how that betrayal can never be fixed or repaired – his name will never fall from your lips in the ways it once has.

and as soon as you realize that, you also notice how paradoxical life truly is.

on your first meeting, ayato had already solidified himself as something greater and grander than you expected him to. no matter how badly you wanted to hide the scar – he took notice of it and did not shy away from being direct. now, you realize you needed exactly that.

you told him not to look for the traces of kaeya, not to question things deeper, but he did. maybe it was because your words and your heart were saying two different things and he knew that; but deep down, it was the first step of healing. ayato kamisato to you has been the night which shines. the kind of night that falls over a town quietly and makes you realize that healing is a process. his words sometimes opened up old wounds made by others, but, those of us who vow never to love again, or give a chance again, only make liars out of honest people.

ayato never wanted that for you. ayato, something you also realize now, did not only care for you because of his clan’s obligations and expectations. in giving you freedom, he gave you space to leave even him if you so wanted to – he just wanted your wounds not to hurt anymore.

he would use words to remind you where those wounds were placed because he wanted you to carefully go over them; he did not want you to lie to yourself. it was his way of pacifying it all, making it heal.

despite closing yourself off, he managed to find a way in. managed to reach inside; and he did not take advantage of it. ayato held you warmly, with patience; he consoled you and your scars. his kisses were gentle and you can still feel the warmth on your forehead from the night you had a fever. the afterimage of that whole trip is ayato’s face. he has always been on your side. for a while, it felt like you locked yourself inside of a small room without any light. pretending is never the same as actually being. and ayato being who he is; the night with the full moon – did not lose patience or hope for you, instead his hands would reach out until you were ready to take them. they would send dandelions to the winds for you, even when you refused to actually take hold of them. ayato healed your memories too, he healed the perspective you had of them. some things should not be forgotten, he once said.

and now, you cannot forget things connected to him. how hard was that for ayato actually? to stand next to you with overflowing patience and understanding while you kept telling him to leave? kept avoiding him? yes, your relationship changed without you even realizing it, but, it changed so slowly that you are sure ayato felt overwhelmed too.

all you can do right now, after realizing the paradoxes, is feel extremely thankful to the point of tears. the same kind of tears that made you glad as a child. at this moment, you were reuniting with your past self but also the future one. you became more honest, and got rewarded for it. how can one person reinvent themselves without knowing that change is gradual?

ayato’s kindness and patience, no, ayato’s love – there is nothing else to call it by – was strong and beautiful. he loved you consistently and that was a surprise. but, to think that it took you coming back here, seeing the ghosts of your past self, and crying one whole night just to recognize the biggest truth of them all? how silly of you.

how is it that everyone else seemed to know? how silly is it that you felt it before you could verbalize it?

nobody else could love you like ayato does.

and with that comes another realization.

the reason you did not notice these gradual changes; did not notice why you longed and yearned so much while watching ayato say a temporary goodbye to those that came to see him off was the same as the reason you wanted to know more about him, his poetry and soul and heart. it was love.

maybe you are unsure of where it started but it is something that you can no longer deny.

you love ayato kamisato. unequivocally so.

but it seems like even these realizations cannot be left alone.

“you’ve been sitting on this statue for a while now. don’t you think it’s rude to just hog it all up like that?” “really? those are the first words that come out of your mouth, bard? ”

you scoot over so that venti can sit down next to you.

“i’ve missed you, yes, but that’s no excuse for your behaviour.”

both of you laugh.

its funny. you started this day with thoma and are ending it with venti. two of your closest friends get to witness both the questioning and the resolution.

“it seems like you finally know the answer to what i asked you before you left.” “i just thought of it now actually.”

before you left venti asked if stories and wounds of the past continue to persist into the future.

“would you be so kind to share the answer? or are you going to be selfish and keep it to yourself?” “well, my friend, if your first words were ‘i missed you’ and not ‘get off this statue’ i might have given you the answer.” “we both know i didn’t say that.”

a/n: we only have on chapter left....feels surreal. how are you feeling besties?? if you have any questions or want clarifications just ask me about them. ayato is still on my mind what did you think i would drop him just cus the new male character has beauty marks under his eye??? if u were rooting for kaeya.,,,, sorry besties from me, a kaeya main.

#genshin impact #genshin x reader #idolteyvat #genshin imagines #genshin ayato #ayato x reader #ayato x you #ayato kamisato #genshin kaeya #kaeya x reader #genshin impact scenarios #genshin headcanons #not twst #not om #reinvention

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spacemagicandlaserswords · 1 year

Text

The Bad Batch Season 2 Finale Reaction Part 2

I don't even know how to start this. Yes, other things happened in the finale episodes but I am not ok and I am still reeling from Tech's death. I haven't been that deeply affected by something in a while. The absolute horror and desperate pleading and crying at my laptop screen at 1am in the morning. It didn't properly hit me until after the episode finished but the genuine, visceral, painful ugly sobbing and crying that happened once the proverbial dam broke was something that hasn't happened in a while.

And it wasn't just that either. I felt physically sick and in pain. Still do. I've been wandering around in a sort of hollow, numb daze ever since, not really sure what to do with myself. Functioning but not really here. It's grief. I'm feeling actual, real, genuine grief. I feel like I've lost someone special that I cared for so much. I've kind of always known that I don't handle grief well and I'm getting better at identifying and dealing with it. This is one of those times where now that I've had a little bit more time I've realised that yes, it's grief.

I'm just – I cannot put into words how devastating that was. And the scene itself was even more completely heartbreaking. As soon as he said he could turn on the power but would have to do it at one of the poles I knew something was up. Instinctively, I just knew but I was desperately hoping and holding onto the idea that they'd have some ridiculous plan where they all got out of it safely.

But no.

Even now as I'm typing this out I'm so viscerally upset and trying not to sob and cry. Throughout that whole scene as things kept going wrong and the situation got worse and worse it all built up to the growing realisation that yup, this was it for Tech. There was a long shot of the rail cars from side on that showed the left rail car bending down and barely hanging on and then there was Tech dangling off the end even further below. I think it was that shot where it hit me that he's not getting out of this.

And then sacrificing himself to save the rest of the Batch.

"When have we ever followed orders".

...

I'm crying again.

I remember watching him in that moment and just desperately pleading and begging and no, you can't do this, no, not like this, not now, there's a way out of this, they can still save him, please, come on you can do this.

And then he makes this perfect shot that goes straight through the last bit of metal that was just barely holding the rail car up, because of course he does.

And then he just fell.

I've got so much more that I want to write about The Bad Batch finale but I didn't think I'd be affected by it this much. Affected doesn't feel like the right word but I can't think of a better one right now. It's all consuming. I'm not sure that I've even processed it yet. How I'm supposed to get through work tomorrow I've no idea. I really should have written more of this initial emotional reaction and thoughts at the time as I've had a while to sit with my emotions by now. There is so, so, so much more that I want to write about it all but at least I've started with this.

Do I actually think Tech is dead? No. Stay tuned for many deluded and in denial theories. Does that lessen the devastation and heart break of what happened and the emotions we're all going through? Also no.

This is going to be with me for sometime and I don't know if I'm ever truly going to be able to get over it or move on but I also don't think that's healthy or realistic. You learn to live with it and are changed by it. It's never going to go back to the way things were or how it used to be. But slowly, you're able to keep going in the new way of things.

But for now, I'm going to sit with it, feel this, and remember it all. And probably cry again.

#the bad batch spoilers #bad batch spoilers #tbb spoilers #the bad batch #bad batch #tbb #star wars #sw #sw the bad batch #sw bad batch #sw tbb #tech #tbb tech #tech tbb #tech bad batch #my thoughts

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pyreflydust · 6 months

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I do genuinely find therapy helpful most of the time but sometimes it feels like I'm dragging around a bratty teenager who keeps screaming LITERALLY NOTHING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME EVER WAS TRAUMATIC SHUT THE FUCK UP while I have something that literally everyone who talks to me about it says is a Trauma Reaction

Yesterday was the 23rd anniversary of my first psych hospitalization. I keep doubling down on "but it wasn't that bad" (because they didn't drug me.) (because they didn't restrain me.) (because I was only there for three days.)

I was asked if I think about this every year. I do. I don't always have a breakdown, but I'm very Aware of the Date. It helps that this was 2000 and I was obsessed with Eminem. It helped that I had stolen a sticker of him off a teeny bopper magazine at the grocery store. Which sounds like a tangent but

I also think about how old I'm getting and how often that means my care providers are younger than me. I asked the person I was talking about this with earlier how old she was. Rather, I said, "I don't know how old you are, but..." because I was going to make a point about mental health care in 2000. It's got its flaws now, but I was treated so much worse in 2000. That year, she wasn't even 10.

I was 14 years old. I had started cutting myself a few months before and the adults found out. I don't think I had told them that I had already attempted suicide by overdose. Most people will go their entire life without a suicide attempt. I couldn't go fifteen years. (If I can last another four from now, maybe that won't be true anymore.) I don't remember anyone asking why. I remember being told to stop that. Like what I had done was a bad behavior instead of an expression of pain.

The guy from emergency services asked me if I thought I was Britney Spears. I cannot think of a single thing I said or did in the entire history of my mental health treatment up until that point that might've made him think that. I don't know who I thought I was. I was 14 and wanted someone to acknowledge I was suffering.

Instead they strapped me into the back of an ambulance and forced me to lay down the whole time. It was over an hour between my local ER and the hospital they brought me to. I don't remember anything about the ride except that they let me pick the radio station. I picked my favorite rock station at the time, a station that no longer exists. At some point Little Things by Good Charlotte came on.

I was there for three days before my mother felt bad and she and my brother got in my sister's car and they all came to get me. A rare family moment with the four of us, to be honest. We needed to stop at a car shop somewhere in the middle of the trip home because something happened to the brake line that was in urgent need of fixing.

I ask 14 year old me if this counts as traumatic. 14 year old me tells me it doesn't matter if it is or isn't. 14 year old me looks a lot like a gaping open wound when I try to look at him. He's so sure he never mattered and neither should anything that happened to him.

#institutionalization #self harm #suicide #little alien life shit

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gainprincess · 8 months

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"..."

"I know you know where he is, Elder Sister. Tell me."

This standoff is unusually tense, despite the fact that they're both easily over a ton in flab.

King Arthur and the sorceress Morgan Le Fay. Sisters (once), enemies, rivals, fools. They cannot overcome this feud, no matter how hard Ruler tries, Morgan will always push back.

She could never take things lying down, after all. Always something. Even when she was young, and Morgan was just her caring older sister, she'd always tell Artoria to keep herself strong, and how one must always have the last word.

"I'm surprised you care enough to want that information. It's your negligence that put him here to begin with, you know."

Morgan knows that she's not being fair to her sister. But that doesn't matter at this point, does it?

"Perhaps if you'd tried to be a father for once in your life, fool, he'd be less of a broken mess."

"I didn't prey on his deepest insecurities and bubbling hatreds, digging under his skin and applying pressure on him to make him reveal himself at a time that was unfitting and unwarranted. I didn't raise him as a living weapon, treating him like a horse with all stick and barely any carrot!"

Rage is building inside her now, rage far unlike any she's felt towards Morgan before.

"You will hold your tongue."

"Or what, you'll murder me again? Good luck with that; The only good thing you ever produced can't help you this time, because he's fucking missing!"

She's spitting now, in a white-hot rage she's never felt before. Magical energy that's so strong it's visible rolls off her body, quaking the air around her as she steps towards the other woman.

"Neither of us were good fucking parents, Morgan, and that's probably partially because I was barely human to begin with! It's my fault that Camelot burned. It's my fault that Mordred was even raised by a hellspawn like you! I wish I'd known sooner. Then maybe I could've done something about it! But no, I was too focused on being a perfect king! A wonderful king! Do you know what that does to someone, Sister?!"

"Artoria, what you fail to realize is-"

"No! I don't fail to realize anything! I am starkly aware of my many failings, and as a matter of fact, Morgan, go fuck yourself! Tell me where my son is! Maybe one of us can get it right this time, instead of causing another fucking Camlann! Now give my boy back before I rip you in two and feed the fucking remains to the lions!"

"You'd not dare."

"Do you feel lucky enough to test that theory?"

A flick of her flabby wrists causing her mana-sharpened playing cards to appear in her hand, fanned outward like she's just about to toss them right through Morgan's skull.

"We can play ball if you need it that bad."

"...Hm. I like this new you, Artoria."

Morgan's voice gains an odd lilt to it, one that's not really describable...Almost like sordid affection, in how it's nearly genuine. But only nearly.

"He's in the Moon Cancer Hall. I would recommend informing Martha before your visit; The AI is most frightful of her and her abilities, and will likely be distracted before she can bother you. From there, lure him to Jeanne Alter."

"You're not helping?"

"Why would I? He's your son, isn't he? He's none of my concern. Remember this much, Artoria: We will never be sisters again."

"Get the hell out of my sight, Morgan. Before I make good on my promise."

As the Berserker lumbers away, Ruler stands stock still, cards still aimed at the back of the woman's head, looking for any signs of deceit or pomp...

It's only when she rounds the corner, and Artoria's sure that she's alone, that she collapses to her knees from stress, burying her head in her hands.

"What the hell is wrong with me...?"

"...So it worked."

Behind a wall, a certain maid completes his recon, slowly packing up his listening equipment into his suitcase as he makes for the Caster Hall.

"Mistress Merlin will be pleased that her plan was successful...This doesn't seem like her, though..."

He'll report to her anyway, though; She did ask for that.

#muse: barcher #muse: rulertoria #muse: morgan #emotional shit maybe

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sluttynetwork · 2 years

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Hey Mo, it’s the anon (who’s not the original anon)

(Just to preface this message will be my last and I have unfollowed you all and honestly tumblr just mightn’t be my safe space anymore, so I’ll be taking an indefinite break so I’m not really sorry it’s long).

Firstly I want to say I’m sorry if I made you feel personally responsible because you’re not. I’m sorry that this has had a negative impact on your mental health because I know how that feels and I’m sorry that I burdened you with it. Truly. I’m sad that this has hurt you because that’s not my intention.

I do want to get some of my feelings out but please this isn’t a personal attack or personal responsibility on you.

I’m not doing great considering everything I saw. Having not even been involved but still being so affected sounds silly but I genuinely thought that amongst other BIPOC folk I’d be safe. I have been extremely anxious and had such a sick feeling in my gut. I feel like crying honestly and I know it’s dramatic but I’m really sensitive and what I saw shocked me. I’m hurt beyond words. I’m uncomfortable beyond words and I’m sick of never having a safe space. It’s so crazy that in this day and age I’m struggling to find safety, especially when Kpop isn’t BIPOC friendly at the best of times and the vile fan behaviour is so normalised that no one cares.

Your opinion as a Black woman is beyond valid but so is the original anons and so is mine and every other Black person. You’re valid in your opinions as are the rest of us. I think it’s important for all BIPOC people to remember that none of us are a monolith. Please don’t utilise the tactic of using ONE voice to fit your personal agenda. It’s not fair and it’s incredibly dismissive and diminishing to our personal opinions and experiences. You cannot say well this one BIPOC person from this entire group of people thinks in this way so I’ll weaponise it. It hurts. I guarantee that other BIPOC folk don’t appreciate it when it’s done to them, and the same empathy wasn’t extended to us last night.

I’m still disappointed in your friends and how they chose to handle that. I’m sorry but that feeling isn’t going to go away. I truly appreciate you trying to create a safe space for Black folk. It’s not your failing and you shouldn’t be responsible for other peoples actions or education but perhaps letting them know that there are certain things that require black only voices is crucial. There’s such a huge history there and the relationships we have with other races and cultures can be difficult and complex especially when different groups of people chose micro aggressions and quite frankly anti black sentiments last night. It’s hurtful that the second they felt corned they reverted to that. I’d like to also say that White voices shouldn’t be involved in conversations like this period. Regardless of whether you want to defend your friends. They chose to speak over Black folk and do exactly what I said, using one voice to diminish the rest. I’m disgusted that they chose to make those comments about minorities. Not even an apology either. This is why many of us fear interacting with white folk.

Also while I understand that people might be hurt by being called out, they need to not victimise themselves in a situation they had no business being involved in.

All in all I’m just sick. Im hurt and I’m in shock and I’m horrified. This might not seem like a lot to many of you, but as a Black woman it is to me. I’m sad to lose a space where I thought I was safe in but it’s better to learn that now. I hope others can feel comfortable in time but you’ve lost someone who up until yesterday was so supportive of all of you. I don’t feel as though anything will ever fix what’s happened. And I feel bad but I can’t stick around and hope for change and growth. I’m sure there is room for growth but the damage is done.

I just hope you non black poc can learn that sometimes you NEED to not get involved. You NEED to sit back and listen. You NEED to have empathy and sympathy because Black women are the first people y’all turn to when you need an ally. You cannot expect so much of us when you’re not willing to give us anything in return.

Please don’t side with people who actively diminish our voices with “why do people get offended at everything”. Like I said when the tables are turned you wouldn’t appreciate it.

Mo I wish you all the best in your future. Take time away from here. I hope your mental health improves at a rapid pace and you’re happy and well and enjoying life soon. I’m sorry you feel personally responsible because you’re not. I just hope people can learn from this. It’s imperative you guys do.

That’s me done and out for good. Best wishes for some growth and change.

i have nothing to add other than everyone please listen to this anon if y’all are able to learn anything from this situation. please listen to ALL black voices and do not diminish their feelings or thoughts or opinions just bcs you or another BIPOC feel a certain way. if you aren’t black, learn your place when speaking on black issues and listen. it’s not your place to speak on black issues, it is your place to amplify the black voices around you—not speak over them.

anon if you happen to see this, please take care of yourself not because of all this, but always. you deserve to find a space that is welcoming of you and your voice and i wish nothing but light on your path and that you’re able to find that. sending love and best wishes <3

and for the record for everyone, i did speak to everyone involved. if you would like to see what i said and to show that i’ve done my part as a black woman to hold my white and other poc counterparts accountable, it will be under the read more.

#mo online 👾

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koii14 · 1 year

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Agonies in life: A Reflection Paper on the Anthology, “Lockdown Litanies: Countless Untold Stories” an essay by Christine Mae Marquiño

Introduction:

• Different Struggles of a Woman

• How people and society affects someone's feelings

Thesis Statement (Topic):

The Philippines have so many stories that are based in real life, which got the interest of the readers. Authors did not stop creating this kind of story because it helps the readers or audience to understand and realize more the meaning of life.

Each of us have struggles in life, both men and women however in this anthology women played different roles. Society is a big factor for someone's mental health, as well as our loved ones.

Body:

As I read the first poem entitled "Dear Diary", I can feel the persona's pain. She is hurt by the people around her, struggles in life, left alone, wanting to disappear but then overcomes all of it. I realized that people will truly come and go as stated in these lines from the poem, "Meeting strangers for warmth and solace, wanting for more. But all was left in me, I ended up alone" we will meet them not for a lifetime but for the meantime only and memories. Reading this poem reminds me the song Stronger by Kelly Clarkson where the tone is kind of hype because the lyrics explores in empowerment and recovering from heart aches that later on became stronger and doesn't feel alone which evident with the lyric, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone".

In the next poem which is "The Tale of a Modern Sisyphus", the persona is a strong woman. It taught me that problems can be easier for us if we are together with someone as it is evident with the following lines from the poem, "To the human condition, we are not inherently alone. A burden is less felt when carried together" that in life, we are not alone. Problems could be the reason for us to become stronger. It reminds me Rachel Platten's Fight Song where the tone is so encouraging that will lift up the listeners with its lyric like, "My power's turned on

Starting right now I'll be strong"

"O’ Yayi (A Prose Poem)", the third poem. Proves to me that first love will last forever. However, it hurts when the love of your life keeps on thinking and talking about their past love, even if you did everything you can. We can read in the poem these lines, "She received all the comfort and luxury a woman could ever get from a loving husband" "That spark in her eyes after saying his name" where we can feel the pain of the persona longing for his wife. This reminds me the song Remember Me an OST of a movie entitled Coco sang by Miguel where the tone is sad and longing for their loved ones but making sure that through this song they'll remember them as manifested with these lyrics, "I hold you in my heart" "Know that I'm with you" .

In the fourth poem, "Two Red Laces On Wonderland" I have understood that if we fall in love with someone, no man can get our heart anymore. Love indeed is a strong feeling that we cannot control, also we can feel happiness whenever we are with him/her as it stated in these lines from the poem "All because of you, my Wonderwall. Heaven by your side, I’ve tasted wine" "And tried my luck with several men,

But you felt like home, where I belong" being with the love of our life is one of the best times in our life therefore it could also be the worst or painful day of our life. I remember the song Because of You by Kelly Clarkson, when we listen to this song we can feel the pain and sadness that is caused by the love of her life as manifested with these lyrics "Because of you I learned to play on the safe side, so I don't get hurt".

Upon reading the fifth poem, entitled " Umbilical" I have known that giving birth is not easy. From the title itself we can see that it is connected to a baby. In spite of the pain, the mother managed to deliver the child. Love that comes from a mother is really genuine, they will do everything just to take care of their child as evident in these lines from the poem, "The pain she suffered just for me to see:" "You have made your purpose, I guarantee. Hush, sleep tight. Everything will be alright." This reminds me Sad Song by We the Kings, which tone is sad and the lyrics is painful that we cannot live without our loved one or a mother rather as it manifested in the lyric, "Without you, I feel broke Like I'm half of a whole Without you, I've got no hand to hold".

Sixth poem entitled "RE: Paper (I’m Red, IMRaD)*", shows how hard the education is in different aspects. I realized that having the responsibility is not as easy as we think, especially if it is connected to someone. And sometimes we are limited to do things as evident in these lines from the poem, " If we keep on insisting quality education for students Why not allow teachers access quality to their extent? Help teachers help students. After all, we cannot give what we don’t have" even if you know what's the best to do if it is not approved by those who are in position you can do nothing. This reminds me of the song Sign of the Times by Harry Styles. Which sounds like a contemporary mashup where we can feel the pain of every lyric. And we'll know that this isn’t the first time we’ve been in a hard time, and it’s not going to be the last time as manifested with the lyric "We never learn, we been here before"

"3 A.M. Awakening" is a seventh poem. I realized that depression and anxiety normally hit us at 3 in the morning which caused us to suffer alone. The persona in the poem is experiencing this also but I think that most of the time, we're thinking about what people did to us as it shows in these lines from the poem"People hold truth in fiery tongues and spit Eternal billows for us found in splits." that sometimes leads us not to lean on our friends' shoulders and just keep our problems to ourselves. As I read the poem I remember the song See You Again by Charlie Puth with a soft rhythm and message that there might have a problem between a friendship but at the end they'll still help each other as evident in the lyric, "It's been a long day without you, my friend

And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"

In the eighth poem entitled "My Frail Lady", I understood that the persona was dreaming about herself struggling. However it was a realization through her dreams that led her to come up with this thinking as it states in these lines from the poem, "Freedom at long last Upon her long, quiet pause." that I think this helped her to find freedom for herself. It reminds me of the song by Maximillian, Beautiful Scars. The tone can give courage as well as the lyrics that even if we struggle in something we should learn to embrace it as well as our weakness, so that it is not that heavy for us anymore as manifested with this lyric, "Cause it's a part of you that will make you strong Embrace your flaws".

As I read the last poem entitled, " Major Arcana" I understand sometimes we put our hope on what other people saw, hence it lifts us up. However we have the idea on what's the best thing to do even if we are wondering, we know that our life is not tragic as evident in these lines from the poem "And so you went in wonder and surprise For you have seen what lies ahead," . I remember the song Scars To Your Beautiful by Alessia Cara. The lyrics can indeed be an encouragement to the listeners with its good rhythm. And as we listen to this song we will understand that there is a hope even if we are at our lowest as shown in this lyric "But there's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark".

Conclusion:

Reading these stories caused me to experience a range of emotions, including pain and the realization of many life lessons. It's not always simple being a woman; we frequently handle all of our issues on our own. Making the decision to keep things to ourselves and ultimately breaking down. We experience suffering in many different ways, sometimes from other people and other times from within. We have to confront a new challenge every day, but we also have hope that we will eventually overcome our difficulties. We ladies have demonstrated our strength. Despite our faults, failures, and trials, we are still here, enjoying the life we have. Growing and learning new things.

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