#i cant believe i didnt cry. i expected to cry. but i didnt even get teary-eyed. i ALMOST did tho

[frecklystars]

ok I know it’s monday after 1pm and nobody is online but I wanna talk about meeting Steve Blum 🥺🥺🥺

Me and my friend waited in line for three hours, maybe four? He motioned for me to come forward when it was my turn and I pointed at myself to make sure he actually meant me, and he kind of laughed and said “yes you!! It’s okay, come here” And once I approached him I started shaking just like I knew would happen, I had no words :’) He was so patient though, he said “hi” and I said “hi” and he said “hi” and I said “hi” and he laughed again and said “how are you doing today?” And I was like “I’m!! I’m well!! How are you? Are you tired?” He said “I’m good, but yeah I’m really sleepy. But it’s worth it! we made it to sunday!!! yaaay!!” he seemed so cheerful for someone who barely slept within 4 days, stood and socialized in such an overcrowded setting for 10 hours each day, living on those little 8-hour energy drinks (kind of like retail ig)

I handed him the envelope after he confirmed he accepts gifts, and he said “oh my goodness, look how beautiful this is! look at how much time you spent on this -- this is so lovely, I can’t wait to open it!! this is amazing!! I can’t wait to get home and play with this, thank you!!” and the envelope drawings weren’t even special, they were little star and heart shapes because duh it’s ME and i also put some starscream and heatwave stickers on there hehe/// but he was acting like it was so pretty, it was very sweet of him to do that

And I actually planned to give him just one of the charms separately, just to see his reaction. I chose the Steve charm bc I think it’s the cutest one + I don’t know if he often gets fanart of. like. himself? So I handed it to him, and he didn’t even have to pull it out of the bag to recognize it, he immediately says “oh my god that’s me!! oh my god that’s me!!!” and he’s holding the thing so carefully while studying it. “this is amazing, oh my god. you made this? you MADE this?? that’s... amazing” and he reads my full name I wrote on the back and says “Keri... Keri... I recognize your name... on cameos, right?” He pauses. “My little starflower, is that you??”

I was in SHOCK?? I didn’t think he’d actually?? recognize my name let alone remember the starflower thing?? and I lost my words again so I just nodded a lot, and his eyes WIDEN and he leans forward and says “wait really?! THAT WAS YOU?” and I nodded again, and squeaked “you? remember??” and he insists “yes! I remember! I remember!! my starflower from cameos!!” and he starts laughing in disbelief, shaking his head while saying “I can’t believe I’m meeting you! my little starflower, yes of course I remember you!!” and he slipped into the starscream voice and said SO fondly “my little starflower keri...” (made me GASP) “of course I would remember my starflower, of course I do, my little starflower Keri...” and I melted. I fucking MELTED and he just kept laughing and repeating (in his normal speaking voice) “wow, it’s you!! of course I’d remember that! my starflower! it’s you!!”

and I told him that the gift package was my way of trying to repay him for all the cameos, even though there isn’t hardly enough in there, I wanted to give him *something* because “you saved my life” and I wasn’t going into details abt that part but he looked rly touched and said “awww... alright, hold on, I HAVE to hug you!” AND I’M LIKE. WAIT WHAT REALLY? FOR REAL? I didn’t have any time to even open my mouth after he said that bc NO HESITATION, DUDE DROPS EVERYTHING AND *CLIMBS OUT OF HIS LITTLE BOOTH AREA* and immediately wraps his arms around me and hugged me so tight 🥺🥺 and he leans into my ear and says “you’re amazing. this is the reason why I love my job. you’re so amazing, don’t forget that, okay Keri? you’re wonderful. you’re incredible, okay? I’m honored to meet you, you’re amazing” and he kept repeating a bunch of compliments, I don’t remember half of them because I was like, barely processing what was happening and thinking holy shit I can’t believe this is actually going so well and then when he pulled away he said “okay I’m gonna sign something for you!”

So he pulls out a Starscream print and slips into the stsc voice again “to my Starflower, yes? yes...” and while we watched him write, I was completely mesmerized and gripping onto my friend’s arm for dear life. she doesn’t even know steve or any of his shows but she came all this way with me and stayed in the line with me and made SURE to take photos and record some audio and did everything to make sure we’d get in line today (she’s amazing and i fucking love her) & steve wrote “Keri... thank you for being my little Starflower. love, Starscream (and steve)” which reminded me of the one time he said in a cameo in his stsc voice sooo gently “thank you for loving me” like it just. oogghgh made me melt. and then he said “honestly, with you, Starscream is probably the nicest he’s ever been” and I was just in complete awe this whole time, I couldn’t believe he was actively encouraging my silly selfship shit to this level. I really just expected him to say “oh, cool, sure, ok here’s your print” and for the line to keep moving. all of this was so unexpected. so I said “this evil alien robot killed someone not even 5 minutes into the first episode, and you make him so nice to me, and I appreciate it so much” and he said “aww! hey, absolutely, it’s always my choice! and of course he’d be nice to you, you’re his starflower aren’t you??” GODDDDDD

and I thought we’d be done, but he suddenly calls for his agent (gwen. i love her. love gwen, absolute queen), and shows her the Steve charm and says “gwen look! look at this, oh my god. look how amazing this is!! isn’t this incredible? she DREW this, can you believe that? Keri, you even put my tattoo on there!! that’s my tattoo! the attention to detail!! I’m definitely gonna take this home, I’m keeping this on my desk forever! I love this so much, are you kidding me? I am never letting this go!”

And Gwen says “oh my god, that’s SO CUTE!!! Keri, did you make this? you MADE all of these charms?” (im assuming she opened the envelope to check inside for safety reasons, I think it’s part of her job) then she asks “do you post more artwork anywhere like instagram? you should tag us, we’ll share it!!” and steve turns, drops his markers and chimes loudly “YES WE WILL SHARE IT this is DEFINITELY going online” and she goes on for like a full minute telling me to share my artwork with steve nodding encouragingly adding a little “yes!” “absolutely!” “yes!!” every five seconds while I’m still shaking like a leaf. I looked AND sounded absolutely ridiculous w/ my dumb high pitched voice, barely remembering to nod my head and to breathe, couldn’t believe he’s talked to me this long, couldn’t believe he’s THIS enthusiastic, couldn’t believe he likes my art THIS MUCH when I was so sure he wouldn’t want anything to do with me, couldn’t believe his wholeass agent is compliment my art and saying she’d want to share it??? like literally everything went Best Case Scenario, this was way more than I could have dreamed. insane. AND WE’RE NOT EVEN DONE YET--

he opens the envelope to put the charm inside and says “I’m NOT losing THIS” and then he peaks further into the package and says “oooohh there’s all KINDS of goodies in here!!! thank you so much, I’m going to have so much fun getting to look at all of these!!” and Gwen holds up the blue star bag that I put the Steve charm in, and she says “this is my favorite!! star is my middle name, blue is my favorite color, and I looove sparkly things” and I said “you are literally the coolest human being alive” and she laughs “you are so funny!!” and Steve hugged her and said “I’ll give you the star bag Gwen!” and she said “there’s more in here with all kinds of sparkles!” and he says “ooooh, sounds like something Keri would do” SDLKJFHKLDF

and then we took a pic and then he asked if I wanted a short little video, and if I wanted to be IN the video with him, or if I just wanted it to be him only. I really didn’t want to be in it bc I already hated hearing myself talk but I said “oh whatever you’re comfortable with” and he said “well come here, you can’t have Starlight without his Starflower! I’ll ask you some questions and you answer them with me okay?” 😭💕 so he pulls me into the recording w/ my friend’s phone and he said “Keri, Keri, my little starflower... did you drink your energon today?” and I said why yes Starlight I certainly did and he replies “mm, yes, I can tell, you are looking exceptionally powerful!” and he did such a cute evil laugh and it took all of my guts to keep quiet bc my reaction every time he laughs is “awwwWWWW” but I didn’t wanna mess up the video w/ my dumb voice. and he added “Oh, don’t tell Megatron about this though, he’d be sooo jealous I get to talk to you...” like omfg dude is out here confirming that Megatron is so down bad in the megakeri relationship and he has no idea 😂

and the rest is kind of foggy bc I was barely processing half of this, so nervous abt my own behavior, in absolute shock that he was like, leaning so close and making eye contact the entire interaction to make sure that he knows that I had his full attention. he was so patient and never cut me off, even tho I was talking so fast bc I was sooo anxious but he was so so so kind the entire time... and then out of nowhere he pulls me into ANOTHER HUG 🥺🥺 and thanks me again saying “please take care, starflower. you really are an incredible artist” 😭😭😭

and after all of that, I was just. glowing. walking in a complete daze. i couldn’t even hear the crowd, ppl were bumping into me bc it was like a SEA of people at this convention, but it was just a buzzing sound to me bc all I could think about was the signed print in my hands and all the memories that come with it now... I didn’t expect him to remember me, let alone get so excited and? hug me? give me all these memorable things? say such nice things??? insist that he wanted to keep my artwork? promised he would do everything to make sure it got home safe? god. I also said at the very end “hey if you ever find an alternate to cameo... I will give you all of my money” and he laughed and said “nooo I don’t want your money, I don’t do this for money!” and there wasn’t any further comment abt cameo and I was like ok the line is moving I gotta GO go. so it’s unlikely he will ever find a cameo alternate, but like... I have over a dozen of his cameos already I get to cherish, +1 cameo we did ~together~ + all of those nice compliments. I’m just... still in shock... ok thank u to anyone who took the time to read this ❤

#i cant believe i didnt cry. i expected to cry. but i didnt even get teary-eyed. i ALMOST did tho #when he said 'yes of course i remember you' and when he hugged me. but wow i was SOMEWHAT collected? what a concept #woof #steve blum #also big shoutout to my friend for helping me. christ #i was so anxious for days and kept repeating 'what if what if' #and she would counter it with 'nooo he's going to love your art! we will make sure he receives it' #she waited so fucking long with me and tried to get us to all the events in time #granted there were only three events we were actually interested in #BUT ALL OF THEM we were so early and she navigated us SO well #and when I was all dumb and teary the day before bc we couldn't make it to ANYTHING #bc it was SO CROWDED that lines would cut off within 2 minutes #she still did her damn best and was like 'WE ARE GOING TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN FOR YOU' #and she recorded steve saying almost ALL of this bc she KNEW i needed to hear it #ppl arent allowed to video record or photograph unless if they're staff #but she recorded audio secretively and was like 'dont worry i gotchu' #kericakes cameos #going in this tag bc technically he gave me a cameo. sort of #ive been looping the audio just in total disbelief of all the nice things he said #long post #SORRY I couldn't put it under a readmore im on mobile rn #and im so impatient I wanted to talk abt it immediately #NOW I GOTTA LEARN HOW TO POST THINGS ON INSTAGRAM

[blye-flower]

.

#my thing is always gonna be this #how are you upset with me because im trying to have a boundary??? #how are you upset with ME that YOURE ALWAYS OVERSTEPPING MY BOUNDARIES #like yes i babysitter im a babysitter but you cant expect me to babysit just cause you need a babysitter!?? like what??! #“oh we needed to go to another church and the kids didnt wanna go” okay?? so you just dropped them off without saying anything to me??! #you didnt even ask if i could you just assumed i would cause im home??? like i dont deserve a moment??? #like im not a parent #i dont have any kids and i definitely dont fucking plan on it so why tf do i feel like a single mother in my day to day?? #why do i never have any free time to myself why is my free time volunteered to making sure children are supervised??! #“well since you decided this im just gonna come get the kids” yeah im within my fucking right so why are you phrasing it like im wrong #god ive never been this frustrated that im fucking crying like can i have some fuckinf breathing space AWAY from other ppls kids #blymi rants #update:: my sister did in fact come and get them #and told the kids “yall cant stay home cause auntie doesnt feel like watching yall” #definitely feels like shes putting the blame on me cool cool cool #just peachy. #love that for me lets make it MY fault whatever #god i really cannot catch a fucking break #and trust and believe im gonna have to hear some stupid ass better than thou speech about how i need to help out my sister #“because shes a student a mother AND working” as if any of those choices are my fucking concern yep wonderful #especially for a sister. that while i love her. feels entitled to peoples help because shes “going through so much” #and now i cant even fucking relax or draw or write because im so fucking pissed #which is why i wanted the afternoon to myself ANYWAYS so no matter what the fucking days a goddamn bust for me regardless

[genderlessjacky]

okay but like can we talk about Blitz and Fizzarolli for a sec here??

when they meet eachother they IMMEDIATLY started arguing which make sense cuz lack of communication and calling eachother by names ectect and Fizzarolli acts all arrogant in a good way to annoy Blitz until he tackles him and they start a fight , get kidnapped yada yada and even THEN they start to argue and avoid touching eachother

even when Striker THREATENS them and they crash into eachother they still comedically seperate

he asks with smug like "do you want me to get you out of here" which of course Fizzarolli agrees and they make the EPIC escape

his first reaction was "fucking showoff" which is reasonable but still yk then EVEN when their LIFES were at sake they were still arguing

THEN comes where they explained themselves , the whole reconciliation scene

and when Fizzarolli accuses him of being jealous and making him into a robot in the process he looks so HURT BECAUSE BLITZO SPENT FIFTEEN YEARS BELIEVING FIZZAROLLI HATED HIS GUTS AND WANTED NOTHING TO DO W/ HIM WHICH WAS A LIE AND HIS SISTER HATING HIM TILL THIS DAY FOR THE INCIDENT AND IM SO BBING

and he apologizes , he explains his part , how he was scared and went for help , he even apologized to Fizzarolli , admitting he was wrong then Fizzarolli barates him for not visiting him and Blitzo explaining that his worker wont let him and all that and they look at each other as in like "was it that obvious?" like their hatred for eachother was so obvious that others noticed

and then comes this iconic scene

and i also want to ramble like

they are so in SYNC im gonna explode

LOOK HOW HAPPY HE IS FOR FIZZAROLLI AND LOOK HOW HAPPY FIZZAROLLI IS IM GONNA SO B

their dynamic in this ep is basically like "what the fuck r u doing" "jesus take the wheel baby" and i love it . they are so close that they still remember like things they used to do like stealing Blitzo's dads alcohol and that means so much to me im gonna cry

just a screenshot i enjoy

AND THEN THEY LEAP OUT THE WINDOW TOGETHER LIKE "haha fuck you" AND ITS SUCH A HUGE CONTRAST WITH THEM IN THE START IM GONNA SOB

THEY LOOK SO HAPPY AND BLITZ EVEN MADE LET FIZZAROLLI IN FIRST AS A GESTURE AND AAJASKA THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME

LOOK GUYS LOOK BLITZ LOOK SO LIKE WORRIED AND SCARED FOR FIZZAROLLI LIKE HE ALREADY APOLOGIZED AND THEY FORGAVE EACHOTHER HE CANT LOSE HIM NOW

these faces he made while rescuing Fizzarolli are like "im not losing him again" and it means so much to me

AND WHEN FIZZAROLLI HUGS HIM HE LOOKS SO SHOCKED LIKE HE DIDNT EXPECT HIM TO FORGIVE HIM AGAIN AND I AM SO NORMAL ABOUT THIS

i ran out of screenshot space for tumblr so im just gonna say like FIZZAROLI'S FACE WITH THE LINE "you could say he earned it" ITS SO. I AM SO. NORMAL

#helluva boss season 2 episode 6 #helluva boss #helluva blitzo #helluva boss fizzarolli #blitzo #blitzø #helluva boss blitzo #fizzarolli #fizzaroli helluva boss #blitzo and fizzarolli #im gonna cry #helluva boss spoliers

[star-girl69]

As much as I love overprotective Clarisse which believe me I DO😍😍 am I the only one who kinda wants to see a protective reader if something happens to Clarisse or even Ivy?!

I feel like Clarisse may just sit back and be Yh that’s my girl 🤭

Literally kicking my feet and giggling while writing this

Also I love your writing so much it’s so goodddd I check my phone for any new posts all the time and scream when you do

TYSMMMMM BAE ILY!!!!!! been in a writing slump recently. someone else please write a mind bogglingly good clarisse fic to inspire me again. lord give me strength…

forget the fact this is 2 days late. thank y’all 🙏🙏

anyways officially adding danny to the perfect family bc I DO WHAT I WANT!!!!!!!!!!!

ok so imagine this

clarisse is participating in some sort of contest

like

idk roman gladiators LMAOOOO

but basically it’s like a big tournament? and yk she’s destroying eating it up cooking, whatever you will

finally she gets to like the semi-finals and atp everyone kinda knows she has it in the bag

her opponents are scared

(trust an underground betting ring was formed. everyone who bet on clarisse is thanking the gods and everyone who didn’t is shaking in their boots)

clarisse is happy bc you and the twins (danny and ivy)

are sitting right in the front row cheering her on

and she got a wonderful good luck kiss from you

so not only is she happy and thinking about that but also she’s convinced that she’ll win just bc she got a kiss from you

so the fight starts, ivy is genuinely SCREECHING at the top of her lungs she’s so me she can’t be normal about anything ever

and you and danny are just regularly cheering for her 😭

eventually someone behind you tells ivy to shut up

YOU WHIP AROUND BC WTF???

harshest death glare in the universe. like even zeus would be a little scared.

ivy doesn’t even notice she’s chill

the other person quickly shuts the fuck up.

then you turn back to watch clarisse and the fights just starting, the other dude is scared and knows his ass barely stands a chance

she’s having fun pummeling him

ugh fight scenes are hard to write

so eventually she tosses his ass to the floor

“GO MOM GO GO GO BEAT HIS ASS MOM BEAT. HIS. ASS.”

“IVY STOP FUCKING SWEARING”

and this dude, who’s laid on the ground, who knows he’s cooked, decides the best option is to grab some dirt and throw it in clarisse’s face

and no one was prepared for this

like clarisse was standing over him with her spear at his throat, smile on her face, everyone knew he was done for- THEN HE DECIDES TO PLAY DIRTY AND DO THIS???

like everyone thought clarisse had it in the bag

the rules for this competition were that you’re not allowed to use anything but your person and/or pre-approved weapon(s)

NOT EVEN CLARISSE WAS EXPECTING IT

SO SHES DISTRACTED BY THE FREAKING DIRT IN HER FACE

SO WHEN THIS BITCH KICKS HER SHE GOES DOWN

DEAD SILENT!!!!!!!

EVERYONE GASPS!!!!!!!

whispers in the crowd… “oh bro is cooked…”

(sorry i’m obsessed w saying cooked rn)

and he is cooked

but by someone unexpected.

clarisse is wiping the dirt off of her face swallowing her shame she can’t believe she got distracted and let herself fall she should have saw it coming but suddenly she hears someone screaming

she opens her eyes and sees you menacingly walking towards this dude, who’s still on the ground and scrambling away

and what’s funny it you’re yelling at him like a mother would

the crowd is giggling…

“THAT IS AGAINST THE RULES. WERE YOU NEVER TAUGHT MANNERS??? WERE YOU NEVER TAUGHT DECENCY??? SHAME ON YOU SHAME ON YOUR PARENTS SHAME SHAME SHAME”

clarisse is literally sitting there mouth dropped open when you grab his ear and he HOWLS

dragging him back towards clarisse, he’s kicking and screaming and literally CRYING

“HELP HELP HELP ME HELP SHE CANT SO THIS SHE CANT I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG”

“YES THE FUCK I CAN YOU BROKE THE FUCKING RULES NOW APOLOGIZE YOU LAWLESS SWINE”

“I DIDNT DO ANYTHING PLEASE I DIDNT”

one of the apollo kids who organized the event is looking around (kinda enjoying it) but mostly very scared

“technically you did break the rules… sorry pal…”

“PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME”

obviously, this is the hottest thing clarisse has ever seen in her life.

she’s sitting back on her palms, watching in utter amazement, trying not to bite her lip

someone loving clarisse… that gets her going

someone loving clarisse enough to PROTECT HER??? she’s about to explode. EXPLODE. she’s never needed you so bad in her life LMAOOOO 😭

and this bitch is STILL refusing to apologize

like damn it’s not that hard… it’s not like you have any pride left to speak of you just got dragged around by the ear 😭😭 bro you’re cooked just apologize and get out while you can

AND YOU’RE GETTING FED UP WITH IT TOO

“hey, dumbass, why don’t you look at the stands?”

you point, and everyone follows your finger.

ivy is a literal cartoonish whirl of her pink t-shirt and the white shorts with the little trees on them

danny is holding her back (with ease, might i add he’s strong as fuck 💪)

“i’ll let her out.”

“I DIDNT DO ANYTHING-”

“LET HER OUT”

he barely escapes that attack.

when you finally call ivy off of her attack, she stands next to clarisse, literally growls at the dude, before hugging clarisse

clarisse is still on the ground in utter shock.

she can’t keep her eyes away from you and ivy. she can’t get rid of the GLOWING feeling in her chest

is this… what it’s like… to be loved?

WAHHHHHH WAHHHHHHHH BITCH NOW IM THE ONE CRYING NOOOOOOOO 😭😭😭

danny eventually walks over and helps her up

then they all watch as you smile sweetly at this very traumatized dude and ask if he’s ready to apologize

“IMMSORRUOHGOEE IMSORHR ESEBIMS YORUUE”

(i’m sorry oh gods im sorry i’m sorry”

then you walk over to clarisse, rolling your eyes and mumbling about bad parenting, girl she pounces on you.

kisses you so hard in front of everyone

ivy and danny are hugging each other and shielding each other’s eyes, screaming, begging for you two to stop

“y/n” she breathes as she pulls away “you are… the most amazing mother, the most amazing girlfriend, and literally the love of my fucking life.”

literally twirling your hair “omg baeeeee you’re too sweet 🤭”

(y’all don’t end up leaving her cabin for a LONG time.)

after this clarisse definitely sort of realizes a whole new side of your relationship. seeing you publicly defend her like that, publicly care about her, love her, omg she is going crazy for you!!!

after this incident she definitely stops calling you her gf.

gives you a really pretty ring she got one of the hephaestus kids to make, starts calling you her wife

and nobody better have a problem w that lol or else they got two ares killing machines, one feral attack dog, and a literal mother who is not afraid to drag you by your ear.

—-

taglist:

@lvrue @t-wylia @laughingcheese037 @kroumi @urdeadpoet @colezb @rey26 @harmzilla @elliewilliamsbae @amberfreemansburntface @kyuupidwrites @neverwaakeme-up @shark1008 @liballer @heyimadison @nvirskies @pnsteblnme @mar2ss @restellsss @ravisinghs-wife @marsconer @evangelinexo @randomhoex @luvrrish @rebecca37 @saltair-and-palemoonlight @ace-spades-1

#clarisse la rue #clarisse la rue x reader #clarisse la rue x y/n #clarisse la rue x you #pjo tv show #pjo x reader

[atinyniki]

MY MOOTIES !!

(in no specific order i love all of you i promise)

@sona1800: literally my long lost twin 🥺 you mean everything to me bby 🫶 i love talking to you and spending time with you bc you’ve helped me so much in the past month you have no idea… so grateful for you love 💕

@kai-lee08: MY PRETTY BABY OH MY GOSH 🤭💕 YOU MEAN SO SO SO MUCH TO ME MY LOVE AUGH YOURE SO CUTE I CANT (Æ Æ Æ ‼️)

@skzoologist: you are actually so perfect i will cry bc it’s hard to believe someone as amazing as you actually exists 😭 (your accent actually has me in a chokehold)

@writingforstraykids: i love talking to you so much you actually make me so happy and AUGHHH I LOVE YOU NAT WEUIGFYU 💕💕💕

@yangbbokari: MUMUUUU OH MY GOD I ACTUALLY LOVE YOU SO MUCH YOURE SO AMAZING AND SO SO TALENTED >.<

@jinnie-ret: you're literally so cute and tiny (even tho youre older than me) and youre so perfect and OMG i love you <3

@cheesemonky: OMG LEISEL I LOVE YOU SO MUCH (even tho youre old) YOURE ACTUALLY SUCH A CUTIE PIE AND UGH YOUR ACCENT IS EVERYTHNNG I LIVE FOR 😍

@cinnamostar: i still remember the first time we interacted and how i literally exploded when i read your league of legends felix fic (still not over that) thank you for showing me how to use discord youre literally an angel 🥰

@hearts4leeknow: RIN RIN RIN YOU CUTIE OH MY GOSH YOU ARE SUCH AN AMAZING AND TALENTED AND PERFECT WRITER YOU HAVE MY HEART AND YOUR ANGST OH MY GOSH 🤭

@miuracha: miu... MIU... WHEN I TELL YOU IVE BEEN LISTENING TO YOUR AUDIOS AND READING YOUR FICS FOR MONTHS IM NOT EVEN JOKING I THINK I ACTUALLY DIED WHEN YOU FOLLOWED ME BACK (i was so excited you have no idea...) 😱

@arafilez: us becoming moots was actually something i didnt expect at all bc i didnt expect you to notice me BUT YOU DID bc your acc died (still mad abt that btw) AND IM LITERALLY SO HAPPY WE INTERACT NOW 😊

@oddinarylani: we dont interact much on tumblr but you have no idea how many times ive gone back to your page to read your angst... always gives me a good cry omfg. love you bby 🥺

@xpeachesncream: your drunk texting series has me on my KNEEEES lord it was so good ily sm <3 🤭

@mnwrld: i remember seeing you first following me one day and i literally binged every single one of your fics... THEY ARE ACTUALLY SO YUM I CANT (you write single parents so accurately too?!) 🤯

@hanstarrs: ive actually yet to talk with you but you are SUCH a big inspo to me. reading your works always gets me so giggly and AUGH youre amazing 😩

@2miniverses: i... i- YOUR SUB!SEUNGMIN DRABBLE?! OH LORD HAVE MERCY PLEASE I ACTUALLY COULD NOT BREATHE AFTER THAT 🫣

@vixialuvs: OMOGMOGMOOMGOM YOUR SMUT PLEASE YOURE ACTUALLY SO AMAZNIG AT WRITING IT AND YOUR BEOMGYU FIC IS WRITTEN IN SUCH A PERFECT WAY ITS ACTUALLY ADDICTING 🫠

@slvt4felix: i recently read your little hyunjin meet-cute fic and let me tell you... its actually PHENOMENAL like i love it so much you have NO IDEA AUGHHH 🤗

@chqnverse: even tho we dont interact much on tumblr i LOVE your fics especially the angst 🤭

@wegc: DO I EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU??? I THINK ABOUT YOUR POSTS ON THE DAILY. MWWWAH YOURE DOING GODS WORK 🫶💕

@michelle4eve: as im writing this it has literally been a couple of hours since we became moots and i can see you liking all my posts youre such a sweetheart ily 🥺

@gayforfelix: im actually not sure if you write bc ive never seen your fics but ive seen you interact with my blog and you are just soooo cute ily bby <3

@hyewka: i... i- GOD I FEEL LIKE IM GONNA PASS OUT EVERY TIME I TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR BLOG BC I READ THE SUB!HYBRID PUPPY GYU THOUGHT LIKE EVERY WEEK OH LORD 😩

@bangchansgirlsblog: your ANGST i cant BREATHE its actually PERFECT in EVERY WHICH WAY and reading it gets me in such a sad mood and so motivated to write angst again (thats a compliment btw) 😊

@maximumkillshot: you are actually such a cutie pie, and though i only read your kpop fics throughout your blog, they are SO SO SO good and im so glad i stumbled upon your page that one day ilysm <3

@linos-kitten: your smut... your FLUFF... YOUR ANGST?! GOD YOU ARE SUCH A TALENTED WRITER IM ACTUALLY ON MY KNEES JESUS CHRIST 🧎‍♀️

@ivyisnotokay: idk if you write fics bc ive never seen them before (sorry) BUT I LITERALLY SEE YOUR REBLOGS ALL THE TIME AND OH GOD YOU ARE SOOOOOO SWEET ILY DARLING <3

@babybreadddd: ive only ever seen one of your fics (i dont remember seeing any more on your masterlist) and let me tell you... i am already HOOKED !!! ily so much bby keep up the amazing work 🥺

@astraysimp: YOUR FICS ARE SO CUTTTTTTTTE LIKE THEY ACTUALLY MAKE MY HEART FLUTTER I CANT EVEN DEAL WITH THE FLUFF YOU WRITE ITS TOO ADORABLE 🫠

@leaneverleaves2: i think ive only read your ditto fic but oh my god its so cute and comforting :((( youre such a talented writer my love <3

@skzstannie: your angst... YOUR ANGST?! HOLY FUCK NUTS ITS SO AMAZING AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO BAWL MY EYES OUT (thats such a big compliment btw dw) 😭

@noyurcapri: i think youre actually one of my first moots ever and i love you so much bc youre always interacting and supporting me <3 I LOVE YOUUU MWAH >//<

@laylasbunbunny: OH MY GOSHHH I LITERALLY SEE YOU REBLOGGING EVERYTHING AND I REMEMBER OUR FIRST INTERACTION WHEN YOU ASKED FOR A PT 3 OF THE FELIX FIC ILY SO MUCHHHH <3

@youfoundme-not: oh my gosh... i could literally never forget you. i remember when you just sent general feedback in my inbox and i literally started SOBBING bc it was the first thing ive ever gotten there. i love you baby <3 💕

@number1jeonginstan: idk how to explain it but your fluff is SO FLUFFY and its like in the most adorable way its so sweet like candy and OMGGGGG MWAH <3 🥺

@chansdoll: your hard thoughts... ouhhh baby let me tell you... you have SUCH an amazing mind and SUCH an amazing way of writing it out I LOVE YOUR WORKS 🫣

@jazziwritesthings: OMG YOU LITTLE CUTIE I LOVE YOU JAZZI ESPECIALLY YOUR 'missing you' FIC OH LORRDDDD 🫠

@linocvp1d: idk if youre a writer but i literally always see you interacting with peoples posts and it has me so giggly bc youre SO SUPPORTIVE AUGHHH ILY <3

@gyustarzzi: bby i love your little ateez headcannons theyre SOOOOOOO cute and your blog is so aesthetic and adorable too?! i cant w you youre so cutie pie omg... 🫶

@cutieleeknow: OH MY GOD THE ‘how they announce your pregnancy’ SERIES WAS LITERALLY SO CUTE YOURE SO AMAZING AND ILY

@viviworkshere: i know you’re like a new writer and all but i CANNOT get over the seungmin fic you wrote… cried to it this morning and probably will continue to cry over it every time i read it 🥺

@soullostinspaceandtime: don’t know much about you (hopefully we can get to know each other) but all ik is that you ATE w those tags. as you should 😌

@vanillacupcakefrosting: i think we literally only started talking recently but im soooo glad to be moots! i can wait to start talking to you more :))) you seem so sweet and AUGH 🥺💕

lmk if i missed any of you <3 love all of you so so sooooooo much :))

#nikis mooties <3 #atinyniki #nikitalks

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling my coworker to stop talking down to me?

Before I get started, I just want to note that I am autistic, and my co worker didnt know that. I'm also the youngest person on staff.

So I (21NB) am a nightshift CNA at a small critical illness recovery hospital. And my Coworker (??F) is a Nurse that I shared a patient with. So it started when I went in for my last 15 minute break of the nught around 4 am. I saw her in the break room and I asked her if we could give our shared patient a bath at some point. She got upset and said that she couldnt later and asked why I didnt ask earlier. (Its in case a patient cant go back to sleep afterwards. I always feel terrible waking people up.) So then I offered to do it right then and prepared to leave the breakroom, she told me to do her front half and then wait till she gets off break to do the back since the patient is a heavier person.

So I go set things up and wake the patient, and the patient says she doesnt want a bath, I go tell the nurse to see if I can just chart down a refusal, but the nurse gets up and goes and asks the patient herself. The patient says yes to her.

Then I start wetting the wash clothes, and I was taught that you use two for a bed bath. The nurse then went off on me and told me to get more washcloths, I complied but told her I was taught to use two. She said that they dont teach you that and then told me she was once a CNA, and an LPN, and a charge nurse, etc. I then asked her when she completed training and she got offended and started going off on me, telling me that I probably wasnt even born yet. I asked her to please stop talking down to me because I felt condesnded to. She then got offended again and told me that she was going to tell her boss that I was sleeping at the nurses station (I was not, amd never had done that, and if he believed her then I would be fired immiedietly). I started to tear up, but continued on with the bath and even thanked her for helping me.

Afterwards I went on to go try and cry in the stairwell, but on my way I saw her telling a nurse and the other CNA (two people I used to respect) that I was being lazy and expecting her to do the whole bath. Then they started laughing and making fun of me. I was right there.

I'l admit, Im not proud of this, but I spoke up and said "what are y'all talking about?". Then she started going off on me in front of them. At that point the dam burst, and I started crying and went to find another nurse I was working with for help. It escalated and the charge nurse had to get involved. She got both sides of our story but no one could tell me what they actually thought. I asked what I did wrong.

Then the rest of the shift had to go by, I had to pull myself together and finish. And after I got home I texted HR. I feel like a fool and childish. I don't know what I did wrong, and I'm terried that everyone is going to believe her over me because shes a nurse and I'm a CNA, and that I'll get fired. I don't wanna lose my job. If I did something wrong I want to know so I won't do it again. Am I the asshole?

TLDR; I asked a nurse to stop talking down to me, she threatened my job, and started talking shit to ny coworkers about me.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[mayullla]

I dont play twisted wonderland, but I wanted to make something for this fandom from reading multiple yan!twst. I kept most things vague, but if I got something wrong about a character tell me. One day when I am finally able to change my phone the first thing i would do is download this game TvT

Edit: I play Twisted Wonderland now-

Tags: fem!reader, child!reader, platonic yandere Characters: School staff

Imagine just a small child was the one who gets taken into twisted wonderland rather than Yuu. The small child doesn't even know where she was as the cat who was surprised kept bugging her with question after queation about how you got here and such.

You cant answer, you didnt even have the answers as you just remember falling asleep on your bed peacefully only to wake up in a huge box opened by a cat.

A talking cat at that.

Dear the stress you gave to the poor thing when you suddenly grabbed the cat's cheeks and just pulled them. Made the poor cat yell in pain.

Crowley found you soon after, shocked to see a small child here in twisted wonderland! As he too started to ask where your parent was and how did you get here even berating the cat for being you here. (The cat Grim just continued to vehemently deny that he was the one who brought you here!!) You could not answer the man, just cheerfully telling the man that you were sleeping in your bed only to wake up here.

After realizing that he can't get any answers from your Crowley just picked you up in his arms as he called the other teachers to his office. 

The other teachers were also surprised when they saw you in Crowley's arms. They had wondered why the headmaster suddenly called for an emergency meeting and expected a few things may have gone wrong or some sort sure...

but a kid??

Sam jokingly asked if you were Crowley's kid that he never told anyone about which Crowley pointedly denied. He soon explained what had happened.

The teachers tried to push you for answers, some almost demanding you to give them till you burst out crying for feeling so much pressure. Professor Mozus suddenly took you away from Crowley's arms comforting you in his arms trying to shush as he glared at the other teachers for being so pushy to a small kid.

Slowly they found out that you were from another realm, not from here and that they cant just easily send you off to your home.

Your family probably thought you were kidnapped at this point!

Crowley had an idea of sending you to an orphanage while he research a way to get you back to your home but reasons aroused that made it impossible to send you away like that.

That the teachers were forced to take care of you.

That would not be a problem at all…. sure…

Who will be taking care of the kid?

It was Mozus who spoke first at the silent atmosphere saying that he would be the one taking care of you tho he would probably occasionally need help if his teacher's duty kept him busy and that was fine with others.

A lot of students were shocked to see you in professor Mozus's arms most of the second years and up have to blink multiple of times or rub their eyes shocked to see a kid with the professor much less smiling at the old guy. The fact that he was also smiling at you made many students believe that this was either a dream or an illusion some choosing to forget the whole thing.

Well, as if that was possible when you follow the old guy to class listening in on the lessons... Listening to the old man or occasionally be seen drawing something while the old man would yell at the student who stared at you for too long.

Sometimes they found you to be with other teachers who looked rather awkward to the fact that they had to watch you. Sometimes they would yell only to hold their tongue when they realize a small child was there in their classroom and might cry like she did last time and they won't be able to fix the situation.

But time went by they grew more and more attached to you. They started to often fight on who you would stay with when Mozus was busy, not only that they started to ask Mozus if he ever wants rest they could help him watch over you. It was suspicious when they do that for Mozus who always deny their offer preferring to be with you than let others take care of you.

It was even annoying when Crowley started to ask Mozus if he could take care of you at that point Mozus's cat would hiss at the headmaster wearing a crow mask daring him not to go near you or even touch you.

Lucius was also the same with the students hissing at those who wanted to talk to you. The more curious students would often try to get close to while the teacher is teaching to ask who you were and if you really were the daughter of professor Mozus or any other questions that had to deal with the rumors floating around not before they were caught by a teacher and shooed away from you.

There were many rumors floating around about you and since they can't go near you and the teachers all give mixed or vague answers none of those rumors were able to be put to rest.

There were rumors where people thought that you were the daughter of Professor Mozus who gave his daughter to the other professors to take care of her every so often. That somehow Professor Mozus had either fallen in love or had a one night stand incident or just something when tho almost nobody could believe that.

Professor Mozus would often smile if asked if you were his daughter about it not denying or accepting the rumors to be true, while other teachers would quickly deny any claims of it which only made things all the more suspicious really. (Tho everybody saw the sour face professor Mozus had when asked about the mother.)

Mozus would get you to wear a more sophisticated look with dark colors and frills occasionally he would make you wear a more pastel lolita style, it makes you look as if you were really the daughter of Mozus which the professors absolutely dislike. So whenever they got you they would quickly swap your outfit that Mozus picked into something more their style. Crowley probably has a small mask and coat that is similar to his when he would make you wear as you go around campus carried in his arms as you giggled at how ticklish the feathers on the mask were.

When you are in Divus's hands you would be wearing a small white fur coat as he told you to straighten your back and chin up. The professor tries to make you a model somtimes and would nag you to keep the jacket on even when you feel stuffy. While Sam would make you wear clothes oh his color tones with an added skull as you try and help around the shop (most things he wouldn't dare you to touch would be placed on the high shelves). Same for Ashton where he would make you wear something of sports wear.

At some point, the professors started fighting for your attention trying to get you to come them that day with promises, candy, toys and even more. The students who have seen this happening cannot believe their ears so much so that they again choose to believe that all this was a dream and nothing more, choosing in the end to forget what had happened and when somebody talks about it they block their ears and started a shout as if doing that could deny them the reality of what has happened.

It was never said that Crowley stopped seaching for a way for you to go back. They didnt want you to leave having grown so attached to you, they wanted to be with you, they wanted you to stay while they became your official guardians.

So when you started to cry wanting to see your parents, they will soothe you by telling you that it was alright, that it was okay that they would be with you and that they would never abandon you. They would not disappear like your parents did and they would love you more than your parents ever did.

Really it is rather often that some of the teachers would fight over who actually becomes your father, sure all of them became your guardians but who is like your father? Sam is alright being your uncle so long as he was your favorite uncle but like it was never decided who is your father…

#platonic yandere #twisted wonderland #twst #disney twisted wonderland #twst concept #twst imagines #twst scenarios #twst fanfic #yandere #tw yandere #yandere x reader #yandere imagine #twst yandere #twst platonic #twst platonic yandere #twst fluff #twst school staff #mozus trein #twst mozus #twst crowley

[shuichi1-1]

How would the agents react to you actually dying on a mission.

This is not proofread!

Characters: Fade, Harbor and Sova

Warnings: Death, mentions of injuries and grieving.

Sova

He locks himself away in his bedroom, only ever goes out if its nessecary.

Way more quiet if he is out on missions and more strict while training.

If anybody mentions your name, he gets pissed off and tells the person to not say your name.

He will overwork himself tracking down the mirror agent who killed you

He doesnt understand why Sage cant revive you and blamed it on her, but she understands.

When he visits his grandmother, all he does is cry in here embrace like a little kid.

He knew this job meant risks but he didnt expect you to take such a huge one and dont make it.

He keeps a picture of you on his nightstand and when he is lonely, he talks to the dark sky while holding the framed photo.

He would have bittersweet conversitations with Brimstone, as he was like a father to you, about the things you liked to do and your silly habits.

I imagined him as an animal lover, even though he is a hunter, he cares about animals and has a snow white bunny. He believes that the little being misses you too, wondering where youve been gone.

He would panick and blame himself for forgetting your voice, if it wasnt for the picture he has, would he forget your face too...?

He doesnt have the courage to pick up his bow for a while, thinking of you anytime he uses it.

He wont ever be in love again.

He thinks of everytime he had scolded you in training, every little or big argument you had, and blames himself that he couldve been more of a man and be kinder.

"I would give anything to be with her once again and hold her in my arms... Why did it have to be her?" He chokes out between his sobs as his grandmother softly strokes his hair. Shes trying to calm him down but it doesnt seem to work, so she lets Sova cry it out. In all honesty he imagined you several times, married, with kids possibly two, hes a family guy. He dreamed of teaching his son, or daughter the tricks of hunting in the cold motherland.

He will never really get over you.

Fade

She was preparing a gift for you as she heard a knock on her dorms door, expecting you to stand there with a smile on your face and kissing her, not Sage with a depressed face and torn clothes.

She goes silent and all emotions disappear from her face, a dark aura sorrounded her and poor Sage had terrible nightmares after.

She was always a woman of a few words but after your death she doesnt speak a thing, only snaps at someone who is annoying her.

The whole team has nightmares for months but none of them are brave enough to talk to her about it.

Sage delivered her the matching evil eye ring that she gave you on your first anniversary and she keeps it in a box together with hers.

She goes crazy on the mission after, destroying the battlefields.

She often thinks at the times you did Henna together, the way you smiled when she gave you matching items.

She has several pictures above the bed but she cant look at them for too long because she gets emotional.

She thinks its silly but herself and even the cats she owns, doesnt lay on the side of the bed you used to.

When she grievs, her cats all look behind her shoulder and she feels a strange sensation there, she likes to think that youre still looking out for her and the felines can see you.

"Seni öldürenin ölmesinden başka dileğim yok aşkım/I wish nothing but death upon the one who killed you, my love.. Ill revenge you and torture them a hundred times more painfull." She says while a single tear fell down her face. She stands in a dark room, filled with cameras and the mirror Cypher sitting anxiously on a chair in the middle. She rips his mask off and all followed was painfull screams and so on. None of the agents had the courage to ask, and the mirrors didnt show up for a while.

She spends her life grieving for you.

Harbor(couldnt find a gif)

He most likely experienced loss of loved ones but yours was a surprise, seeing you were an agent and could handle yourself.

It had been 2 years since he joined the protocol and your one year anniversary, that day you and him were out on a mission on Split and he left you alone while rotating to the other side.

He didnt notice you not catching up, after a while he heard a scream and smoke coming from A site heaven.

He rushed there with his wall up and gun out, but all he saw was you trying to breathe through the coughs.

Only emotion on his face is a sickly worried one, hes panicking and calling for Skye to heal you.

Back up didnt arrive on time and Skye was too injured to heal you.

He felt your heartbeat stop and you died with a smile on your face, in his arms.

He shouted your name several times and screamed, that scream made everyone want to cry, it waa full of sadness and loss.

He never seemed to have a real smile after, he tried to keep his golden retriever energy but it never seemed to be the same

He just couldnt accept that you were dead, he hoped you were just away and will come in through the door one day and smile at him once more.

But that didnt ever happen.

"Riptide, i know you are just joking. Please come home now, its not funny anymore. I utterly miss you, come back to me finally.. Its my fault, isnt it?.."

He laughed while clutching the clothing on his chest and tears pouring down his face, his hair was a mess and he was holding onto the plush you always slept with. He cant look at phoenix without seeing that smug smile while the mirror him left the fire lit place you died at.

You were the fire girl to his water boy, now hes alone again.

I apologize if Harbor and Fade is ooc but ive never written for them, im sorry ;;

#valorant x reader #valorant #riotgames #sova x reader #kayoxreader #harborxreader #harbor x you #fade x reader #sova x you #gaming #riptide #lol #character x reader #headcanon #fanfiction #x reader #yoru x reader

[stargirlie25]

Ok scrolling through acotar tiktok KILLS ME. Its not the og tiktok with cool edits of ships that you prefer its just pure toxic hate.

Like me, you might have noticed there are few and few Gwynriel/elucien content then Elriel content. I don´t believe it is because they dont ship these ships anymore i think its because they are tired.

When i was neutral (about a year ago) on the ships wars, i would CONSTANTLY see Elriels being so confident about their ship and how acosf pointed to an elriel endgame. I had not read acosf by then and when i did+ the bc i didn´t hate elriel i just started to love Gwynriel.

Sometimes sarah likes to put positive factors on a ship, like something beautiful without there having to be a whole theory. Because sarah does not expect her readers to be theorists. She wants them to laugh,cry,giggle,scream. etc. So when she was writing the BC which according to elriels are not important she probably wanted us to look at Gwyn and Azriel and consider her obvious wording and differences between elriel and gwynriel. According to elriels the BC isnt important and does nothing to contribute into plots,but also it introduces Gwyns lightsinger powers? Whatever that is not even my point right now. My point is, at first glance at the BC everybody should be more positive towards Gwynriel. SJM put out a free bonus chapter. Why should something heavy like a characters powers be in there? Its supposed to be a light hearted thing. Im just tired of Elriels saying we are delusional or our ship is a crackship.

I never hated Elriel before. All the anti elriel stuff i have mentioned is everything i was already aware of before ´´hating´´ elain and az together. I was still neutral even with all those negavtives.

Its the fandom that made me turn around and choose Gwynriel. I noticed Gwynriel and Elucien content was much more surrounding pro content for their ship and cute headcanons,cannons,edits,fanarts etc. It rarely EVER mentioned anti Elriel information. Except the elriel content then and now, all revolves around Gwynriel and Elucien. Instead of promoting their ship, they have to tear down our ships and say we are crazy.

It was like: Elriel vs Gwynriel and it said that gwynriel was fanon and elriel was canon. Thats´ just false but i understand i cant change that which i dont mind but why scream about it to my face? I saw people bullying Gwyn and saying she was faking her trauma,lured in hyberns men or was evil for the sake to uplift elriel/elain. I saw people bully emerie too calling her a crippled fake illyrian and how it was stupid for emerie to win the blood rite against her cousin. Or how somehow emerie was a b*tch and does not deserve to be a valkyrie+ nesta and gwyn. I saw people make edits to uplift Elain and hate Gwyn. I witnessed people dismissing Luciens trauma and comparing him to his father. I saw people say he faked the bond to protect tamlin or what not. I saw people make up theories for Clotho saying she was odd because she said she was going to give Gwyn the necklace but probably didnt....

That was my last straw. So yes naturally i did in fact shift to the Gwynriel/elucien side. It was easier. Instead of the bullies i saw cute videos of ´´Azriel and Gwyn singing´´ or ´´Elain and lucien picking flowers´´ it was all just so lighthearted and beautiful.

Although i think the fandom for G/A and E/L decreased because they are tired. Because i was tired too. I did not even want to enter acotar tiktok because i knew we would all be bashed for it. Dont get me wrong i find myself sometimes leaving comments on Elriel videos. Not the ones with a cute edit or fanart the ones the share false information or something i disagree with. I only hope for a civil talk and next thing i know, there is a whole gang of elriels trying to push their narrative on me without listening.

Honestly the ship wars have always existed but before Elucien was the calmer side. Although sadly they got roped into the mess of the G/A vs, A/E wars. WIthout a doubt on every single Elucien video, elriels never miss a step. It would be a cute video like a fanart of them and they will start being like ´´ElAinS So UNComFOrtabLE aROUnd hiM´ like you guys ask us why we ship elucien when mentioning this but its like you dont even want an answer you just want to disagree. We tell you and you flat out ignore it.

As much as i love Gwynriel/Elucien i cant help but miss the days were reading ACOTAR was for all the characters. When it was just to see my favorites like Nesta. When i just desperately wanted to get to the iconic epic scenes.

I know if e/riel was confirmed, Elriels would firstly shove it in Eluciens and gwynriels faces and then maybe celebrate the characters.

I know Gwynriels/eluciens would too and i honestly want to see none of that. Yes i do believe we are getting Gwynriel/Elucien but i would not want to make people feel bad for their ship. They by all means can still love elriel. So many people like feylin,nesris,Aelin x chaol,aelin x dorain, and obviously aelin x sam (my endgame if rowan never existed) dramoine,klaroline,stelena,stiles x malia, Jelly,Bellarke,clexa,Rory x those 4 other guys etc etc.

Main point, Can we all just do better? Yes i am talking about elriels for my sake and lots of others peoples sakes but to everyone PLEASE.

I know that wont work though even if i say it because im only one human hahah

What im going to say is we should tag all our posts to our preferred ship and probably always put anti to the ship we dont like. That way everything is divided and less toxic. Also i will be tagging nothing to do with ship wars because i want everyone to see haha but please be nice!

This is just my experience btw im sure Elriels have has their fair treatment of toxic Gwynriels/Eluciens

#acotar #pro elain #pro gwyn #pro lucien #azriel #cassian #rhysand #feyre #feysand #nessian #nesta archeron #pro nesta #amren #hofas #hosab #hoeab #cc #crescent city #throne of glass #aelin #aelin galathynius #celeana sardothien #rowaelin #rowan whitethorn #sam cortland #percy jackson #PEACE #inner circle #valkyries #nuala and cerridwen

[bandtrees]

for the warriors ask game :D

🗺 : first map you ever watched?

🖼 : first amv/pmv you ever watched?

(I used to watch MAPs religiously those are my jam)

yay thank you! warriors ask game except the questions are all weird and niche as hell!

know: my memory is bad. i've been into wc for... well over a decade now, so these are probably not accurate xP my first warriors video was i believe a spoof video about ashfur and squirrelflight, but my first map and amv? uhhh unsure!

🗺 : first map you ever watched? - i didn't actively watch maps as a small kid, or at least i don't think i did? the first map that i entirely remember watching was during my second major warriors phase by the time i was closer to... 15 maybe?? as opposed to my earliest memories of wc which are from when i was 10 or younger lol. little fang, which is making me genuinely super misty eyed to rewatch, it's just so so good, from the style to the designs to how well it gets into jayfeather and his family with only animation and music, the composition of every part is so good, the designs, all of it. the sole reason little fang is one of my favorite songs to this day it might, miiight, have also been evelyn evelyn? that one was certainly one of the first maps i ever watched that stuck with me. the dovewing kinnie has entered chat

🖼 : first amv/pmv you ever watched? - i cannot remember. i watched sooo many amvs as a kid. not my FIRST amv, probably, but one of the earliest i recall is ashfur's revenge, which is delighting me so much to rewatch. this one was formative for me, i miss the style of flash-animated warriors amvs that (obviously:() aren't around anymore. i also have such a soft spot for tigerclaw is not one of thunderclan, one i was thinking about the Entire Time i was writing the exile scene in spottedfur's pride lol. i still love it so much, this is my first time rewatching it in like... a decade, im sure. its so good. im kind of blown away as i rewatch these that they ARE as good as they are, cuz i feel like it's common in the warriors fandom to treat old amvs as some cringeworthy lost art (in general i have strong opinions on how (unintentionally)cruel the internet starts being to things as soon as they enter "nostalgia" territory) - but there's still, like, genuine talent in these. there's a reason these amvs were as popular as they were, and not because we were all cringe 10 year olds who didn't know better, lol. also reminds me of tigerstar and the dog pack(be prepared) - which is one i have the most vivid memory of watching on my family computer, hehe. in general i love corvus katana's stuff, past and current oh my god i will never get this ask posted because i keep remembering ones that helped, like, form a lobe of my brain growing up. HOW TO SAVE BLUESTAR'S LIFE YOU WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS!!!! I AM TOTALLY NOT CRYING REWATCHING IT. YOU ARE. YOU ARE. cant believe i had a phase where i hated bluestar - i think everyone did because they spontaneously realized she was imperfect, immoral even at times, and made mistakes but hadn't developed the media comprehension to realize she was... actually meant to be complex and troubled and not just a perfect leader. god. bluestar. god. god. g (im also gonna use this question as a chance to gush about old amvs that i remember that are unfortunately lost to time: a hollyleaf one to hurricane by thirty seconds to mars (!!!! THIS ONE WAS SO FORMATIVE BUT IM LIKE 80% SURE ITS LOST MEDIA), bluestar heart heart head (PLEASE tell me im not the only one who remembers this one!!! i was devastated to learn it wasn't iconic or reuploaded anywhere (as much as i also think, again, in the nostalgia-sense, people act entitled to things like old amvs or people's art or whatever else)), NIGHTCLOUD GIRL WITH ONE EYE CHANGED MY LIFE?and... probably more of course that aren't coming to me now xP

i. didnt expect to ramble as much as i did with this? i just can't put into enough words how formative warriors amvs and the like were for me growing up :'DD they were my major start for digital art and animation (something i did a lot when i was younger but fell out of over time, but god i'd love to animate again, maybe do a classic wc amv to spottedfur's pride or something lol)

thank you for the question! I am so incredibly normal about warrior cats.

#babbles #wc #warriors #warrior cats #long posts #i knew i had a tag for ask games but uh. dont remember it soz #i poke at it a few times here but i do have strong opinions about how vapid nostalgia culture can be #especially w regards to the early internet where if something is deemed a universal enough experience #people stop caring about the person behind it and it just feels like ppl think its public domain #like a product of collective nostalgia and not a piece of art a person made #see every wacky comment on these amvs like 'Lol remember when THIS was peak animation?? like if youre still here in 2019!!!!' #or there being like a gritty lps popular reboot meant to ~deconstruct~ it #stuff like that. its why even though i was 100% a webcore furry 2000s kid i can never get into the culture surrounding it on tumblr #it feels too ironic for me even if it doesn't mean to be - i would rather art be treated like... art and not as 'haha remember THIS?' #everytime some kid from 2007's old art gets reposted for nostalgiawave animecore whatever i cringe a bit im sorry #unless it's for like. 1) w permission somehow 2) genuinely liking the art itself and not through a lens of 'this is kiddy nonsense lol' #idk i have many opinions. ANYWAY. WARRIOR CATS

[springcatalyst]

something about merle and daryls relationship to religion (particularly christianity)

oops this turned out long. readmore time for yalls sanity and my dignity

it's never actually mentioned, but they both seem to have had a rather christian upbringing. it's safe to assume, because they're in the deep south, but its evident in the ways they interact with the presence of religion and with themselves.

when merle is handcuffed to the roof, hes crying about how he deserves this, about how hes being punished, hes been bad and this is what he gets. he pleads with god for mercy before ultimately telling him he doesnt need his help. this is something we can imagine he is familiar with. hes used to the concepts of divine (or otherwise) punishment, violence and pain as something deserved, a consequence of behaving badly. he seems very used to "this is what you get." and ultimately when he pleads for mercy his prayers go unanswered. this is a familiar script, or at least it was. god never helped him before. hes been punished before. he'll get out of this one on his own, just like all the rest. (he uses the exact same line "I ain't gonna beg" with the governor before hes killed: this is something familiar to him). merle quotes from the bible with hershel in season 3: he knows it. not only knows it, but remembers it. he's held onto it

and then daryl. who is so averse, so mocking of christianity and those who follow it. his casual snide remarks whenever hes in a church, making clear his distaste for the whole affair. his disdain with gabriel for a long while after they meet him. ("the word of god is the only protection I need" "sure didnt look like it.") he sees the lie in it all, while it seems like merle still buys into it, even if he doesn't try to follow it anymore, he knows the punishment that will catch up to him and to others. merle frequently damns others to hell. he inflicts punishment, or the deserving of it, as easily as he understands it for himself. daryl, though, has been disillusioned, at the very least. he sees it as nothing more than a tool to manipulate and lie to the people that believe in it. best case scenario, religion to him is a false hope that will never reach fruition. worst case, it's a manipulative power play meant to keep people in line where 'in line' means subservient. its foolish: a waste of time, to him.

theres a deleted scene where he finds a man dead in a prayer room, and he mocks him for all the good his prayers did. for all the answers he found for his trouble. in season 4, after the prison falls, he says something along the lines of 'faith never did anything for us.' he and merle, though their reasons are different, both see prayer and faith (and as a tangent, hope in general) as a useless tact, nothing gained, nobody will ever answer, you're just fooling yourself. nobody is going to save you but you. and when you say it like that, you know exactly how they got there. these are two characters who frequently have been only out for themselves, only able to rely on themselves, anything outside of that is bound to let them down, to variant degrees of harm. plenty of their own prayers must have gone unanswered. nobody saves them but them.

I legally cant talk about the dixon brothers' relationship to christianity without also talking about carol. she has a lot of similar perspectives as the two of them, but we see her in both sides. when the show begins she still appears to believe in god, and when sophia goes missing she takes that time in the church to pray to him. she says god can punish her however he wants as long as he doesnt hurt sophia. she, too, expects punishment in the form of violence and grief when she behaves badly or, in this case, even thinks things she supposedly shouldn't. here, she had a similar relationship to religion as merle does- she still believes in god: more specifically, a wrathful one. as the seasons progress, though, we see her lose that faith and shift to something closer to daryl's perspective. we see her disillusionment in real time as she sees worse and worse things and is subject to worse and worse environments. but she never really stops behaving as if she is deserving of punishment.

her and Daryl are similar in this way: while merle outright says it, accepts his supposed punishment, and then continues doing whatever he has to and whatever he wants to, carol and daryl operate under the same kind of threat but they dont really realize it. when they do things they deem worthy of punishment, whatever harm comes their way as a result- or even unrelated but soon after (and it's the walking dead, things always happen)- they kind of accept it. daryl allows himself to be treated the way he is in the savior compound, yes because he had no immediate out, but also because he felt like he deserved it. dwight gives him that photograph to really hammer home how he got here, and daryl lets it happen, to an extent. after Henry's death, carol goes off the deep end and doesnt care what happens to her. if not for lydia, she would have gone right over the edge of that cliff because it's what she felt like she deserved, like a righteous end to a life shes been leading poorly. they live under the same eye as merle, but it's more abstract with them. rather than being punished by god, they're being punished by fate, or karma, or luck. it's very 'you get what you deserve' with them, because their disillusionment prevents them from blaming an entity, so in its place they blame themselves.

I think that's the only other option they see, and its part of the reason they are both so different from merle. merle can still blame this outside force, can shove all his problems onto something out of his control that isnt his fault but can be resented for it, so he becomes this hateful, violent person because the one thing hes really angry with is untouchable. daryl and carol lack that, and cant blame anybody else because they are the only common denominator, so it instead turns inward. they hurt other people less because of this, but it's still not healthy, and so in their place they're hurting themselves more.

I have to think they are all intimately familiar with god as a reason. as a justification for damage or an unattainable perfect form that when fallen short of, is punished for. merle still operates on this warped justice system, on punishment for bad behavior (reinforced by his many experiences with prison and the military), while daryl has rejected it entirely. merle still buys into it, but daryl sees it as nothing more than that justification, than that false sense of security. neither trusts god, or religion, or christianity, but the difference I think is that merle still feels the eye of it, while daryl feels the absence.

#the walking dead #daryl dixon #merle dixon #carol peletier #watched more twd with the roomie. thinkin bout CHARACTERS #i wrote this forever ago actually but i decided u get it now. because im thinkin again #hmmmmmmmmm ANYWAY #Merle literally sucks so much ass but he's SO INTERESTING. fuck him but hes a fascinating character #and u KNOW i love analyzing sibling dynamics. ESPECIALLY unhealthy ones. ehehehe #anyway bedtime now. i work in the morning yeehaw

[haemosexuality]

FNAF MOVIE SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT DONT READ IF YOU HAVENT SEEN IT YET I MEAN IT!!!!!!!

my thoughts on the movie UwU

ok first of i LOVED what they did with mike's character???? its different from the games canon (or different from the most popular theories??? i can never remember what is actually canon and whats accepted fanon) but its sooooo interesting. making him the brother of one of the victims was SO unexpected but it worked really really well. tho going into the movie with preconceived notions ab the story fucked me up somewhat bc i took so long to accept he wasnt michael afton 😣 tho i feel the movie mightve been setting fans up that way lol

on that note his brother confused me somewhat? cuz he was one of the missing children but he wasnt one of the 5 spirits was he??? maybe he was and i just didnt notice KSBSKDBSKD ill look out for it on my second watch

WILLIAM. MOTHER FUCKING AFTON. OH MY GODDDDDDD THAT WAS FUCKING INSANE and honestly seeing everyones reaction to it was SO cool. when springtrap appeared everyone screamed and clapped. when he started dying everyone screamed and clapped even louder. and when he said "I ALWAYS COME BACK" everyone LOST THEIR FUCKING MIND SCREAMING CRYING YELLING CLAPPING WHOOPING IT WAS SO FUCKING GOOD

AND THE VANESSA REVEAL????? i think thats completely different from game vanessa lore mostly bc william aftons daughter in the game was elizabeth/baby and shes fucking dead but idk vanessa lore so who knows. all i know is that it WORKED MAN i did NOT see that coming but i HONESTLY REALLY LIKED IT AND AGAIN EVERYONE IN THE THEATER LOST THEIR MINDS WE WERE ALL LIKE "WHAT?????" (edit: i saw an youtuber point out that this cant be the same vanessa from sb bc this is set in like the 90s and sb's in the future. maybe this is something like, they put two vanessas so we know that sometimes different characters just have the same name and dont get too hang up on mike smith vs michael afton lol)

i also like how they did williams character. i usually dont like purely evil 2d villains but i feel that fits afton way more than "sad scientist goes insane cuz he lost his kid oh no :(". like it just fits fnaf!!!!!!!

another thing that was completely different from the game was the animatronics. like in the game theyre "like animals" but in the movie they all seemed very, aware??? msking decisions? they def had a mind and it was cheesy sure but i also liked it. i just loved this movie. and everything about it. i went into it knowing it was absolutely not going to be 1:1 with the game so i dont mind im just so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT IMMEDIATELY STARTING WITH A JOKE ON DREAM THEORY LMFAOOOOOOOO. "SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE IT"

MATPAT? MOTHERFUCKING MATPAT ARE YOU KIDDING ME

THE EASTER EGGS!!! THE REFERENCES!!!!!! THERE WERE SO MANY AND THEY MADE ME WANT TO SCREAM AND CRY EVERY TIME OH MY GOD

im not gonna remember all of them but I WANT THE MIDNIGHT MOTORIST HOODIE

max did NOT deserve to die that upset me. she was fine!!!!!!!

also the violence wasnt anything super crazy but it was def more than i expected. also they swore

THE ANIMATRONICS ARE SO FUCKING COOL DUDE OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE THEYRE REAL

also golden freddy wasnt a girl in the movie. F cassidy

i like mikes character sooooo much ive said so before and im saying it again. vanessa too

THE SONG THE FUCKING SONG THE LIVING TOMBSTONE PLAYING IN THE FUCKINF CREDITS OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE IT OH MY GOD DUDE DUDE DUDE DUDE DUDE

this one is only for the brazilians in here but i actually liked the dub? this sentiment might change after i watch the og version but it wasnt terrible. williams voice was 10/10

balloon boy was funny every single time. fuck this bitch. also the cupcake

THE ITS MEEEEEEEEEEE i wish they did more its mes BUT I SAW THAT!!!

the scene were mike calls abby to the kitchen so they could 'talk' and the aunt was there.... actually broke my heart how dare you

i missed phone guy 😭

OH IM PRETTY SURE I SAW THE FAKE DOG ANIMATRONIC PEOPLE THOUGHT EXISTED YEARS AGO???? I DONT REMEMBER HIS NAME BUT I THINK HE WAS THERE IN THE LIKE STORAGE PLACE i might be crazy tho dont quote me

i thought i wouldnt like it but i love how expressive freddy is its so funny. chica bonnie n foxy too but him especially

ok i those were all my immediate thoughts!!! i wrote this a few hours ago when id JUST gotten back from the theater and now im gonna go watch it again so bye <3

#autism was actually uncontrollable today i was going fucking insane #it was so hard to try to. not be annoying to everyone else in the room bc i was on OVERDRIVE #five nights at freddy's #fnaf movie #fnaf movie spoilers #im gonna write more thoughts in another post as i rewatch it

[azumasoroshi]

dude im being 100% fr shizaya fanfic writers were and are fucking insane

because my school banned ao3 (my fault, but that's not important), i saved a bunch of super long shizaya fics (which are PLENTIFUL for some reason, maybe because tastewithouttalent wrote so goddamn many) and have them open to entire work which allows it to stay open on my school devices without being “registered” per say

and they have been like. fucking destroying me

To Hell and Back by corteae started with “izaya and shizuo travel around the world and wacky shenanigans happen” and i was messaging my discord server like “SHIZAYA WORLD TOUR WOOOOOOO” and i was expecting wacky shenanigans and then suddenly everything went off the fucking rails in the way i LEAST expected it to happen

like maybe i wouldn’t have been so blindsided if i hadn’t skimmed through the tags so quickly but like it’s more fun that way. i hate when i actually see a ‘major character death’ tag warning because i want to be surprised

ANYWAY that was genuinely like. one of my favorite fanfiction reading experiences to date. it was like reading a whole novel with how much original stuff was in there but it was so focused on izaya and shizuo and characterized them so unexpectedly well that the original stuff never really felt out of place or forced even though it was so wild

and even though it got super dark at times it maintained this really hopeful outlook on everything and sometimes it was downright cheesy but it just WORKS for that fic and i love it because of that

and some of the challenges it made the characters go through just worked SO well for their canon characters especially post-ketsu and i gasped audibly at some of them and Ahrhghgghhfdgfd

and then the past few days i was reading this zombie apocalypse fanfiction (april 23rd by izayas) and it was like. the most depressing fanfiction reading experiences to date. i literally had a panic attack in school after i read this for a bit too long a session like holy shit it just felt so real and so heavy and hopeless

the writing was phenomenal and well-planned/foreshadowed and probably has the best shizuo AND izaya characterization that i’ve ever seen?? like i could believe things would actually happen in this way in canon. probably because their hate for each other is so intrinsic and they’re never really able to let go of that?? which is not what i expected because yes they bond and yes they care for each other but it was always in a way so that you could feel the wall between them, and even when they connect it’s only briefly, never enough to tear them away from their hatred fully

it almost feels shakespearean in how tragic it is?? everything is so character driven and all their downward spiraling is so poetic and sickening but utterly gorgeous to read. like at so many points you’re like GOD if only they had done this one small thing different, if only if only if only and it’s just htrgrhgfhgd drives me insane which is probably what izayas-san was going for lmao. esoecially at the end you can really feel the shakespeare tragedy kicking in

it’s notable that although it’s tagged shizaya and very much centers around their relationship, it’s much more an exploration of the will of human nature and their individual struggles with coping and growing from their experiences, and there’s like. no typical romance whatsoever

it’s about their sick, twisted, passionate love and whether it’s enough to save either of them or if it’ll kill both of them and just. god. i am empty after that fic i didnt cry but it feels like all the tears have been drained from my body i dont even know how to feel or how to function. i had to take a break from writing this review and it’s been a whole weekend and there’s still this weight on my chest that i cant get rid of :sob: for my sanity’s sake i sincerely doubt i could ever read it again but i honestly treasure that experience

ANYWAY READ SHIZAYA FANFICTION IT’S BUIILT DIFFERENT

#this fanfics literally changed my brain chemistry dude im so infatuated with both #they’re like at complete opposite ends of the fanfiction spectrum but they’re both so amazing #funny how they’re both kinda roadtrip-like in nature #although for very different reasons #izayas or corteae if you ever read this know that i love you #you’re both so creative and so clever and such amazing writers that i really look up to #shizaya #shizuo heiwajima #izaya orihara #durarara

[luminous-orb]

hey you ever think about how act 6 of wandersong doesnt have a the bard and the ___ song in its ost and instead the bards leitmotif gets incorporated into even the tiniest bugs instead later. i talked about this to a friend like a Hot minute ago and also i havent played wandersong in a bit so the analysis might be a bit watered down or jumbled but i think the bugs r like. similar to the bard in a storytelling sense. they really should not matter at all in the grand scheme of things. but like. the whole point of the bard is to defy destiny just by caring for others. a big thing about act 6 is being the most you you can be especially as we start to uncover audreys identity issues in this act and it like. it shows really well with kiwi figuring out a way out by just Being Themself and caring for those smaller than them. the tiny lil bugs who should not have been much of anything were ultimately the key to saving them and this wouldnt have happened if kiwi didnt just give them a chance. bc kiwi can make a difference here. not by being the hero but by being Themself. and that contrasts well with audreys part of the act. and that probably just kind of blended together because i cant be bothered to proofread my asks before sending them but i think about this a lot

to be honest it’s also been a While since I played wandersong and I haven’t listened to the ost nearly enough ]: I should really replay it even if I will get scared of the factory level again. but I went and listened to even the tiniest bugs and auughghggh the bards theme in it is so gentle?? there’s a big build up but then it’s so sweet and gentle?? I might have cried a bit.

I dunno if I can do good analysis given that I haven’t played the game in years but I think I see what you’re getting at. The game does just, an incredible job of showing the bard’s pov and how much it hurts them to not be the hero and have nobody expect anything of them (I definitely did cry at chapter 4) but ultimately I feel worse for audrey? because she has zero choices in the whole ordeal, plays her role perfectly, and Still eyala is dismissive of her because it wasn’t really about Her in the first place, there’s no room for personhood when you’re just there to play a role. so while the bard starts with no one believing in them, they have endless room for growth and choice and Becoming someone important while still staying true to themself, while audrey is forever stuck at just being “the hero”

#wandersong #honestly my least favorite part of the game is that I can’t rly tell how sympathetic audrey is meant to be #like. a lot of the last part of the game seemed like it was like ‘audrey is just mean :(‘ #and not nearly enough discussion abt how. even if she is just kinda generally dislikeable which I think might be true #she never would’ve done what she did if she hadn’t been Told that it was what she was supposed to do #and that’s why we should get to punch eyala in the face #idk again it has been. a while since I played wandersong. might come back in a month and be like ‘I was so wrong’ #I FORGOT that the soundtrack was so good though I should definitely replay it just for that

[lexa-griffins]

Knowing your penchant for angst, I expected nothing less of you having Madi call Clarke mommy when she's really sick and wants to be comforted by her mommy 🥹

Clarke must not have believed her ears when she heard Madi's sickly voice calling out for her mommy instead of nomon. Clarke must have rushed to her baby's side with tears in her eyes (not just from seeing Madi sick) at hearing her daughter calling her mommy for the first time. Her heart must have grown ten times larger in that moment

Will Madi become a big sister in the future?

🤭🤭 i was going to make it much worse but i decide to control myself and just have Madi be sick because I am a sweet nice person who doesn't like to see people suffering ☺️

Clarke didnt expect it at all. When Madi got sick she was all over Lexa, wanting her to cuddle her so Clarke wasn't even imagining that Madi would ask for her so desperately but as soon as she hears "mommy" out of her little girl's mouth and when Lexa tries to get closer Madi pushes her gently away and repeats "mommy" again Clarke jumps into comforting her. For Clarke it is very very aware this child is hers, she is her mother, no doubt about it but Madi has never acted like she is her daughter or like she sees Clarke as a mom (granted, she is still small, should be around 4 to 5 years old at this time). But when she is in distress and in pain Madi's instinct is to ask for her, no shy request or calling her Clarke, no. She wants her mommy and thats what Clarke is. Clarke has never truly felt like this and she imagines the surge of love and adoration would be exactly like the one she would have felt if she had been allowed to with Madi's bio mom when she was born. Next to her Lexa herself is trying not to cry as she holds her hand anove her heart, knowing how much this means to her wife.

Im still on the fence 👀 should i do a poll so you guys can decide they do manage to give Madi a sibling or if Lexa really cant have kids? 👀 this is a community grown au after all 👀

#letter opened #bedwarmer Clarke #heda-in-the-clouds #👀👀 let me know #might make it only 1 day long tho 😅 a week always feels SO LONG

[frecklystars]

i hate that i see one gifset of stsc and my whole body just. locks up. and starts shaking. i hate that i immediately feel like im going to die. im not in danger oh my god im just. im just looking at a fictional robot and my body makes me react as if i have to run. run from what??? im so tired of feeling so nauseous and dizzy and angry every single day. my god i miss stsc more than anything. loving ken is great but it is not the same. nothing is the same. i have come to truly hate TF with my entire being, even tho TF didnt hurt me, it was someone i associated with TF. but i am so bitter about what happened to me and i wish the franchise never existed bc then i never would have met my abuser. but at the same time i miss TF so badly i just want to be able to look at an insignia without crying, or think of a flower meadow without my heart breaking, or listen to the 400 songs collecting dust on my TF playlist. my god there is so much music i miss, but every time i listen to a song on that playlist, my brain just associates it with my TF ships and then i miss them too badly and i cant enjoy the music for what it is. i have tried associating them with ken. i have tried associating them with barbie. it doesnt work. the furthest ive gotten is associating 7 out of 200 megakeri songs with patrickeri but !!! thats just!!! 7 songs!!! out of!!! two!!! hundred!!!!!

i dont know how to explain it to someone who doesnt get triggered but its literally like... spikes of adrenaline shooting through my body and making me shake every time i see something related to TF or even something that would remind me of a TF selfship i had. and my breathing either becomes very short or i just hold my breath entirely. and i start sweating and my body locks up and there's this urge to run, to hide, to call for help, but i cant do any of that, i just freeze up. and like lol thats so stupid bro. ill see a color and it triggers me, ill see a honeybee and i start crying, i see a flower meadow, or like. just. the word starlight. or hearing a song that reminds me of my TF ships. i miss them all so fucking badly. i see hailee steinfeld and it hurts so bad bc i loved her the most in the bumblebee movie, i loved charlie so dearly, she was one of my favorite main f/os years ago, now its like... i just have such a horrible horrible horrible association with charlie and bee and TF in general and i . dont know. how to reclaim that. and seeing them makes my body react like "you're gonna die holy shit" just automatically. immediately. i cannot control it. it just happens. it sucks.

steve blum hugged me so so so tight just days ago and said stsc would never hurt me. like three times. and that stsc misses me and loves me. growled it, as if stsc was truly enraged for being ripped away from me. and yet my brain is still like... numb. i watch the video with steve and im numb. he hugged me tightly and rubbed my back and, like, okay great i didnt have any "oh my god im gonna die" feelings when he was voicing stsc for me, but i was just... numb. totally shut down. i didnt expect seeing him again to fix me, but i was hoping so terribly that it would do something. anything. but i am tired of feeling this way and i want to try to do something about it even if theres almost nothing i can really do except try my fucking best one day at a time

i think one of my main problems is ive spent three years LOVING TF, feeling good with it, la la la. and then BAM about nine-ish months of being isolated with someone who ruined my fucking life. now spent about 16-ish months looking at TF whether it's a gifset or a photo or even just a flower that reminds me of a character or something, then having a trigger reaction where im crying/vomiting/hyperventilating, and then disengaging with TF entirely and spending days trying to come down from being triggered. for over a year, i have been unintentionaly training myself to believe i cannot look at TF. like. i am unable to ground myself when im triggered, i am supposed to say "ok im scared right now but he would never hurt me" or whatever. but i havent been able to do that, i just get triggered and immediately try to get away from whatever i saw that triggered me, and its wired my brain to believe TF is genuinely something to avoid.

i think i need to get into the habit of drawing myself with a TF character at least... once every two weeks. or once a week if i am able to. but i cannot just sit here, missing TF every day, get triggered if i see it, and then avoid it and then cry about avoiding it, and the cycle continues. i cannot keep fucking doing that. dude there has to be a way for me to fix myself. i need to train my brain to believe its gonna be ok even if it takes a long ass time. and then the next time i meet steve blum maybe ill feel? better? cmon, if the voice actor can hug me and say stsc would never hurt his little starflower and my brain doesnt believe that, then there is something else i gotta do. i cant just sit here and feel bad!!!! i have tried several forms of therapy and then i ran outta money, i have tried watching the shows but got a BAD reaction out of that, i tried commissioning ppl to draw myself with TF characters but it's done nothing but waste my money bc i cannot look at the pics, i have tried talking to friends about TF and associating it with them, but none of this shit has worked. but you know what did genuinely make me feel better back when this was really fresh? me drawing myself with TF characters and people commenting nice things about it. me posting drawings of me with stsc and people writing a nice tag or a nice comment. that helped the most. i need to get back into the habit of doing that even if i just get one (1) nice comment, i know it will make a difference. nice comments have always made a significant difference for me whether it's my inbox or dms or replies, any time someone shows me kindness, it helps a lot. and maybe if i just. keep. doing that. i can slowly but surely condition myself to believe again that im safe when i see TF. because i am. i am safe and i am loved and i am missed even if i dont believe that at ALL i know it's there even if i'm completely numb to it

my goal isnt even to hyperfixate on TF again. its to just... be indifferent to it, god that is the best case scenario for me right now, realistically. i just want to not be immediately triggered. i'll have reactions with ken or driver sometimes where i'm like "what if they hurt me" but that's not a trigger. i dont feel like im going to die when i look at them. but i feel like im going to die when i look at TF and im so sick of that. lol im done with that. fuck that. i shall take matters into my own hands. even if it takes years i am NOT giving up!!! no matter how many times i cry and scream and stress vomit and jolt awake from nightmares and make vent posts saying "its hopeless ill never ever ever reclaim them" i WILL fucking reclaim them i dont care if it takes me until im 90 years old!!!!!!!!! i hate living like this and i KNOW if i keep kicking and thrashing eventually something's gotta give. i cannot just lay here on the ground and cry. i gotta get up and scream the entire time and claw my way out of this deep dark depressing pit so i can eventually get out. what is that saying - fake it til you make it??? well ill keep drawing myself being so so so loved by these characters, and faking it until i finally fucking MAKE IT

#vent #delete later #im not back online btw im just venting. my god. i am hurting so bad