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#i cant fix myself. or anything else that matters.
ennuidays · 6 months
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i actually cant do this
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n0ct0urn1quet · 1 year
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hgonesly at this point i really do wish i could just say Fuck It and disappear off the face of the earth for a little bit bc honestly . i donot want to be alive
#2023 off to a banger start for me (got into an argument with my mom on new years about her bf reminding me of my abusive dad#and havent had peace or a good nights sleep since!!!!!!!!!!!)#i am absolutely fucking miserable and i just donot want to Do It anymore#i hate this house i hate the people i live with i hate this world and i hate everything thats happening to jme but i cant do anytihing#i cant do anything to Fix Anything i cant do anything abt my problems theres just so much Wrong With Me that i dont know how to fix#i dont know if i CAN fix most of the issues i have. i have so much ptsd and trauma from so many different things and its all just. hghg#and i want so badly to just let it out and talk to the people Around Me about it bc it is Serious and i shouldnt be just not talking about#it but. i just cant bring myself to Do That. i am constantly afraid that the people around me will be angry with me if i even so much as#speak up about the things that make me upset and its not their fault and its no ones fault but my own and i just dont know what to Do#im scared of confrontation and im worried that if i try to talk about it its gonna lead to an argument!!! i know it wouldnt but im terrifed#so id rather just not talk about it. which then leads to the problem not getting resolved because. fuck man im sure the people around me#know that somethings up but i never bring it up so therefore they never find out and it gets swept under the rug like all my other issues#i pride myself on being good at being emotional and being open but in reality i am emotional. yes. but not at all good at being open#ive never been good at it and i feel so BAD because like. yes i love you. yes i trust you and i know you would never ever be mad at me#for just talking about my feelings. i know this and i love you for it. but im so bad at conveying that. even though i trust you with mylife#im just bad at opening up. it does not matter how long we've known each other its just such a struggle for me to Be Open to anyone#of course its not much better that im coming to tumblr and puttign this here for 100+ people to see but just. i dont know#im mentally unstable ive never had good coping mechanisms and im the only person awake and everyone else that i usually vent to is asleep#so all my thoughts just get piled up into one messy little ball and it gets thrown to tumblr because i need somewhere to put them#im sorry. im exhausted. its been a long week and i wish i could just hybernate for the rest of the month and not interact with anyone#i just wish i could mvoe out and live with my gf and our cat. that is all i want and that is the only thing that would fix me
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angelicstalker · 11 months
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I'm just so tired
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mejomonster · 1 year
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hate panic attacks think they’re possibly the worst experience inside
#rant#i just. they dont end until They end#i am thinking in retrospect that pre life for some awful reason i made a plan to have my body Fighting To Kill me from birth#and like. thats traumatizing and all but not The worst in the sense im used to it#but then panic attacks? god the Only way to make them end is to kill myself#how fucked up. i can breathe i can do everything right but they will STILL go on for 15 minutes to 2 hours no matter how well i cope#so some time sensitive shit happens like fix X NOW or worse happens or talk to doctor NOW to save ur life in hospital#or ur in public NOW and cant escape for 20 minutes it takes to exit public#and its like. okay so i just wont have any brain function for problem solving for 15 min to 2 hours#ill be sobbing hyperventilating shaking and have no problem solving ability for THAT LONG#i feel so helpless. i hate knowing i COULD solve it and fix it and take care of myself but NOPE#brain hit the panic attack mini stroke button jesus christ. so now for 2 hours or less i will be a useless mess#and cannot solve anything or help myself beyond trying to ignore the suicidal impulses.#like at Best i can keep my body breathing and unharmed during a panic attack if ALL goes WELL#but i can't do anything else like drive. like pay a bill. like chat through a problem. like calmly BREATHE#like even explain whats going on cause my entire rational brain is just completely offline while im in literal hell#a panic attack is so awful god i hate them i hate them i dont have words to describe#ive been dying in hospital plenty of times and like enough pure rage and stress is traumatizing for sure#but at least im so angry to survive i can problem solve#but a panic attack? even if i get angry i cant problem solve i just start trying to physically kill myself to make it end#cause illogical panic brain thinks the only way to fix the panic problem is be dead#since like. it is not a fixable problem. its a thing you ride out until its over.
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i-cant-sing · 18 days
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TIME TRAVELER AU PT 2
Original post/idea here. Part 1 is here. Part 3 is here.
Check out my MASTERLIST for more!
I fucked up.
You thought as you sat on the bed, holding your head in your hands.
I fucked up so baaaaaad.
Not only have you healed Baldwin of his leprosy, forever changing history of the LEPER KING, but also managed to somehow be his bride. To make matters EVEN worse, you cant just up and leave right now because you dont know the disastrous effects it'll have on the future now that Baldwin wont die of leprosy, which means that the kingdom of Jerusalem wont fall to Salauddin and his muslim army and after that its just a domino effect.
You tried to view your options here.
I stay here, marry Baldwin and fuck up the fabric of time and space because how can someone from the future marry someone from the past? Wouldnt I cease to exist?
I leave, return to my time where authorities arrest me for fucking around with time- that is, if I even exist in the future now that I've altered history. Who knows if my ancestors survived/were born after this?
No. Neither option is good. I need to stay here and fix this. But in a way that i dont draw too much attention to myself so that im so insignificant that nobody remembers, let alone writes about me in the history books.
You were drawn out of your thoughts with someone knocking on your door. "Come in." You said, straightening yourself.
A couple of servants walked in, all women. "Princess Y/n." They all courtesied. "We've been sent here by his majesty to prepare you for dinner with him."
Princess? Ah yes. Only a couple of hours ago, Baldwin had proposed to you, I guess the concept of asking wasnt a thing here as he just slipped on the big beautiful ring on your finger.
You narrowed your eyes at them. "First of all, Im not a princess. You will address me as Y/n only. And secondly, Im not going to join him for dinner, so there's no need to prepare me" The maids all shared a look of confusion before the head servant spoke.
"But we cant address you as anything else until you wed the king, after which you will be our queen, princess."
"Didnt I just tell you not to call me princess? Just call me Y/n!" The head maid shook her head. "Princess, we can not do that. If we do, then we would be punished. And we must prepare you for dinner with his majesty!" The maids moved ahead to start helping you but you raised a hand, halting them.
"I said, no." You said sternly.
"What... what will we tell the king, princess? He's expecting you-"
"Tell him i cant come because Im sic- no, Im not feeling well and Id like to be alone." You cant say "sick" in this era, because that means "death sentence" here and you dont want to be fretted over and bring attention to yourself as "the king's fiancee got SICK!". Besides, you do need to be away from Baldwin as much as possible and have some time to plot your moves.
-
You had pulled out your notebook and began writing out dates and historic events of this era to plan your escape. You're trying to find some sort of shortcut where Baldwin gets sick again and dies, leaving his kingdom in the hands of his sister and brother in law, who will bring its downfall-
Someone knocked on your door gently. "Princess?" You quickly hid your notebook. "Come in."
Baldwin walked inside and towards you, eyes worried as they scanned you up and down.
"I heard you're not feeling well?" He asked and before you had a chance to back away, he had cupped your cheeks in his hands tenderly. "What's wrong? Shall I fetch the royal physician?"
"No." You replied with your face smushed in his hands. "I'm fine." You pulled your face away his large hands.
Confusion spread through his blue orbs. "Then why did you not join me for dinner?" He asked, using a hand to push your hair over your ear, not taking the hint that you didn't want him touching you.
"I just-" what possible excuse could you come up with that would be both effective and not insulting enough to have your head chopped off. "you- you dont care about me."
Baldwin looked at you in bewilderment. "I dont... care about you? Princess, how can you say that?" He tried to cup your cheek again but you backed away before he could, putting on a face of hurt.
"How can I not? You dont care about what I want, or even ask me what I need?" You feingned pain in your voice, turning away from him for dramatic effect.
He grabbed your shoulders and turned you towards him, his pupils grew wide as if trying to search for what it is that you need. "My love, what do you want? Just say the word, and I'll give it to you."
You looked down, again for the theatrics, and Baldwin lifted your chin. "Go on."
"You never- never asked me to marry you."
"Huh? But I did today-"
"No, you stated it- demanded I marry you." You furrowed your brows and looked down again.
Baldwin smiled. Of course, how could he have not asked you? You were a girl after all, you want to be courted the traditional way. Its not your fault that you dont know that kings do not ask permission for things. They just get it, because who would refuse to marry a king?
He kissed your forehead, lifting your chin again to meet his eyes. "Im sorry, princess. I shouldve asked." He took your hands in his and had that charming smile again. "Will you marry me, Y/n?"
"No." You shook your head. "I... I cant marry you, your majesty." You said, adding tears into your eyes. His brows furrowed in concern.
"What? Why?" You tried pulling your hands away but he didnt let go, tightening his grip ever so slightly.
"I-" well, you could say that youre not catholic and the church would never let you two get married, but you also dont wanna be tortured for being a "heretic". Maybe religious differences could be the last plan. Taking your silence as hesitance, Baldwin spoke. "I can offer you everything and more. Jerusalem would be yours. What is it that I lack that anyone else could offer?"
"I am not a good match for you!" Ah yes, lets do the typical "its not you, its me." You bit your lip as you yanked your hands out of his and walked towards the window, your back to him (theatrics). "You and I are not equals- no we are nowhere close! Youre a king, your father was a king, your family is royalty. I come from nothing, as did my ancestors. There will never be stability in our marriage when we come from such different backgrounds!" You never thought that you would be putting yourself down and call yourself "inferior" to break up with a man.
Silence hung in the air, as you held your breath.
"Youre right." You heard him say behind you. "We are not equals, we never will be." For some reason, instead of being relieved, a chill ran down your spine. Baldwin wrapped his arms around you, resting his head on your shoulder. "I may be a king, but youre far superior to me. You're an angel, sent to me by God, and you saved me. I wouldnt be king anymore if you werent here, princess."
Warmth spread from your cheeks to the tip of your ears, both due to the close proximity and his words. Sensing your bashfulness, he chuckled, kissing your cheek as he turned you around to face him. You could hear your own heart beat at how close he was.
Baldwin tilted his head, half lidded eyes staring at you. "Youre everything and more that I could ask for, princess. Never put yourself down and compare yourself to me, hm?" He said, giving your arms a gentle squeeze before moving away, but not detaching himself completely as he took ahold of your hand and looked back at you.
"Now that this is settled, let us go eat. I've had the servants prepare a feast for us and then we can discuss wedding arrangements-" shit shit shit shit shit fuck it!
"I'm not catholic!" Baldwin halted at that. You've already said it, might as well dig yourself a deeper hole. You let the tears form in your eyes. "Im... Muslim. I didnt tell you because I didnt want you to think I was working for Salauddin and spying on you for him, you know I wasnt! I really did only want to know about you. Please believe me, I wasnt-"
"I believe you."
What? Just like that.
"You- you believe me?" You breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you. Once again, Im sorry i didnt tell you I was a Muslim, but dont worry, I'll pack my things and leave tonight-"
"Why? We still have to get married."
You blinked slowly. "But... Im Muslim?"
Baldwin shrugged. "So? It doesnt change anything."
You looked at him in bafflement. "It does! It changes everything! We cant get married! Im a Muslim! The church wont allow interfaith marriages, and I dont intend on converting to catholicism either if thats what youre suggesting!"
"I am not suggesting that. You can be a muslim if you want to, but we're still getting married." Baldwin stated matter of factly.
"The church wont allow it-"
"The church will do as I say. I am the head of the church. Besides-" He smiled.
"I dont remember angels having to prove themselves to be a catholic. You saved my life, you cured my incurable disease. As far as the church is concerned, youre a miracle sent to me by God. Youre the Chosen One!"
Is he... is he hearing himself? Can you try to convince him?
"But... but Jerusalem deserves a Catholic Queen-" you tried weakly, but he cupped your cheek and smiled gently at you.
"I am Jerusalem, Y/n. And I deserve you." Was all he said before pecking your forehead.
He tugged you along with him. "Now, we have to eat."
You dont want to eat. You want to stay behind and think of another strategy because clearly you cant talk yourself out of this wedding.
"I'm- I'm not hungry." You said, making him frown.
"How is that possible? You havent had anything since morning. I dont want you getting sick before the wedding." Baldwin continued to pull you along.
Does he not listen?
"I dont want to eat- I- dont feel like it." You said a bit harshly this time, hoping he'd take the hint.
And he did, finally stopping. He sighed and let go of your hand. "Okay. I suppose if you really dont want to, we can skip dinner tonight." Fucking finally. "Its just... I seem to have developed a habit of enjoying meals with you. And now that my leprosy is cured and I have no more diet restrictions, I just- I had the kitchen prepare some of my favourite dishes that I was able to enjoy before my disease disabled me."
You stared at him. Is he- is he trying to guilt trip you? Baldwin once told you that due to leprosy he had ulcers in his mouth, and he couldnt eat different types of food, and was only able to have bland, soft goo.
You looked away from his big sad eyes. He's not getting to you. You need to go back to your room, make yourself scarce, be far away from him as often as possible.
"You can still go and eat dinner alone."
With one hand, he cupped your cheek. "Princess, you know I cant eat until you eat too. But its okay, if you dont want to eat, then I wont too. I guess I'll just have the servants finish the chicken roast and oh-! They even made strawberry cream cake for dessert. But- maybe another day."
You looked into his eyes, those blue orbs that were filled with sadness, resembling a kid who was just told "no candy!"
Sighing, you held his hand. "Maybe I can have a few bites."
His face lit up. Ah, he knew you'd come around. "Lets go!"
-
The next day, youre helped by the maids to get ready for the day. Apparently, Sibylla wanted to meet you and discuss some things, and you suspect she wants to talk about the wedding preprations.
The maids had prepared your bath and were very insistent on washing you themselves but you made them all leave the bath chambers. Finally, they compromised when you told them that they could dress you up if they wait outside.
Setting your old clothes on the bed, you entered the bathroom and settled into the warm water. The essential oils and flower petals soothed your mind and body, and you finally had some desperately needed silence to hear your own thoughts.
Last night at dinner, Baldwin was very- well, "happy" would be an understatement to how he felt near you. And all those forehead kisses and skin contact doesnt go unnoticed by you either. You suppose that since he had leprosy, he never really had or was allowed to touch anyone else. But now that hes cured, all thanks to your dumb ass, he craves the physical intimacy.
You closed your eyes as you sank deeper into the warm water. Gosh, did I really have to give him the water? Had I not done that, he would still be ridden with lepro-
Your eyes snapped open. Thats it. You just have to make sure he never drank your water in the first place! Yes! You can go back in time and sure, its always dangerous to go back in the same time period more than once, but you really dont have any other option now, do you?
After half an hour, you finally exited the bathroom and the maids practically ushered you to sit in the chair as they finally, FINALLY got to dress up the future queen of Jerusalem and after a whole hour, they're finally done. And... well you look good. Your hair has been done nicely, and a delicate golden headpiece, almost like a elegant hair band sits on top of your head. They added some color to your cheeks and lips with crushed berries. As for your clothes, they dressed you in a dark blue tunic with loose, flowing sleeves. The tunic itself was made of silk, probably brought in from the Byzantine empire and was only available to the upperclass of this time.
"I am not wearing those!" You said when they opened the jewellery boxes. There were diamonds and other precious stones adorning the earrings and necklaces.
"But princess, you must wear these. It is royal protocol for the king's bride to be, and the future queen to wear the royal jewels." The head maid said. She doesnt know that you dont plan on sticking around and if you leave wearing these jewels, who knows what havoc would that cause?
"No. I dont want to wear them."
The maids shared a look of concern. "What?" You asked them.
"Its just... his majesty picked these out for you himself. He would be mad at us if you were not wearing these." One of the younger servants spoke as she fumbled with her fingers. Through the mirror, you looked at everyone's worried expression. You doubt that someone as calm and collected as Baldwin would lose his marbles over his fiancee not wearing jewellery.
"I dont think the king would be mad at you if I dont wear some jewellery. He isnt one to get angry that easily, you know?" You said chuckling, but it died when you saw them share the same concerned looks again. This time, you turned away from the mirror to look at them directly. "What? Go on, no secrets."
Another maid mustered up the courage to mumble. "Well- it's just- the king- I mean- his majesty is calm but um-" she paused to look at the other maids for help but they all avoided eye contact. "Out with it." You said a bit sternly.
"His majesty... gets... emotional- yes, emotional! When it comes to matters concerning you."
"Emotional? What do you mean? Speak clearly, no word will get out of this room, I promise." You spoke all while glaring at the other maids to make them silently comply to not tattle on their friend.
The maid bit her lip. "His majesty... gets mad when he thinks that you're not being treated well." You gave her a look to continue. "A few weeks back, while you were strolling out in the garden, his majesty reprimanded some of his knights for not escorting you. He asked them why they weren't guarding you?"
A few weeks back? It may have made some sense for Baldwin to be protective of his bride to be, but you two weren't engaged until yesterday. And before that, his relationship with you was barely platonic, more like a king-servant thing.
"Tell her about the kitchen incident too." Another maid whispered.
"What kitchen incident?"
"Um, 2 months ago, when the kitchen had prepared a feast for his majesty, he almost fired the entire kitchen staff for serving olives with the entree." You gave them a quizzical look. "Well, his majesty had told them that you can't eat olives and had told them not to include it in the palace's food. But it was a feast to celebrate his victory and the staff thought it'd be best to add olives because the king likes them."
Your eyes widened at that. He almost fired the kitchen staff because you said you can't eat olives? I mean, it's not like you're deathly allergic, you just didn't like how tart they were and when Baldwin saw you picking them out on your plate, all you could manage to blurt out was that you can't eat them. Perhaps, he thought you had diet restrictions like him.
You huffed. That still didnt warrant such a reaction from him. "That isn't nice. Don't worry, I'll talk to him."
The maid looked at you in horror. "No! I mean, his majesty would not like that we- um..." she tried to come up with appropriate words that wouldn't be insulting. Her scrunched up face as she thought hard made you giggle.
"Fine, fine. I won't say anything to him. You have my word." You said, smiling at them assuringly.
The head maid then held out the pearl necklace to you. You sighed and nodded, and they all cheered as they started picking out the jewels for you.
Its okay. You told yourself. I can always drop them somewhere before time travelling.
-
As soon as you were dressed, one of Sibylla's lady-in-waiting came to fetch you. She hurried you, saying something along the lines of "you must see princess Sibylla right away!" And you couldn't stop her from pulling you along, so time travelling will have to wait.
"Princess Sibylla needs to see you right away, princess!" The maid said as she pulled you towards a room. Knocking on it, the door swung open and you were met with the sight of different gowns hanging on dummies with maids tending to them, and right in the center of the room was Sibylla, practically jumping on her heels.
"Y/n!" She yelled out as she ran towards you and engulfed you in a hug before her lady in waiting, the same one standing beside you, cleared her throat. It caught Sibylla's attention who gasped softly before backing away and immeadiately giving you a courtesy. "I mean, princess Y/n." You gave a nasty look to the lady in waiting before shaking your head at an embarrassed Sibylla. "You don't need to courtesy to me, princess Sibylla."
She immeadiately beamed. "Of course I do! You're not going to be just my sister in law, you're also going to be Queen of Jerusalem! Of course i bow to you."
Me, a queen? Yeah, we'll see about that.
"Still, I consider us friends before anything else." You offerer her a small smile. "You called for me?"
"Oh? Oh, yes!" She immeadiately grabbed your hand and pulled you further into the room. "I didn't know what colours and material you preferred, so I ordered them to bring everything with the best seamstresses in kingdom!" She pointed at the seamstresses, who bowed to you.
"But... I don't need clothes. I already have a wardrobe." Your statement made Sibylla laugh as did a few of her hand maidens.
"Ahh, you're so naive!" Sibylla giggled. "That wardrobe doesn't exist anymore. You're a princess, soon to be queen, you need a royal wardrobe!" She said as she dragged her hand over one of the gowns, feeling the material. "And! You still have to select your bridal gown!"
For the next 3 hours, Sibylla had the maids show you different gowns and materials, even helping by giving her input as to what would suit you.
"I still like my old clothes, they're quite comfortable." You sighed. Designing your new wardrobe was not something that needed your urgent attention at the moment. You need to return to your room and get the time machine from your old dress and leave this era.
Sibylla nods. "I understand what you're going through. I still remember how they burned away my entire wardrobe when I married Guy. But I suppose its poetic in a way. Since you're starting a new life, so why not start one by getting new clothes!"
Wait.
"They burnt all your old clothes?" Sibylla nods. "Mmhmm! In a way, you're burning away your past! And starting a new-" You didn't stick around as you immeadiately rushed out of the room and made your way towards your own.
You can't- your old clothes has your time machine. If they burn it, you can't ever leave!
You burst into your room, looking at the empty spot on your bed where you'd left your clothes before going in the bath.
"No." The maids, they must've put it in your closet. You searched it, searched your entire room but to no avail.
A maid walked into your room, watching you tear apart the bedroom. "P-princess? May I help-"
"Where are my clothes?!" You walked upto her, the poor maid's fright apparently on her face. "WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES!?"
"They- they're burning it-"
"WHERE?!"
"The gardens!"
You ran out of your room, and made your way towards the royal gardens as fast as you could, but with how huge this palace was, getting there took a while. Not to mention when you did get to the gardens, you didn't spot anyone there, but you did notice the smell of something burning, which lead you to the back of the gardens, that was away from everyone's sight.
There you found them, two maids burning your clothes in a small bonfire.
"PUT IT OUT!" You yelled as you rushed towards them, startling them.
"Princess-" they began bowing.
"Didn't you hear me? PUT THE FIRE OUT!" They scrambled about trying to find some water, but of course, they didn't have it.
"I'll get it from the fountain!" The two maids ran to get a bucket of water for you, but it would be too late by the time they came. So when you spotted your old dress burning, you pulled it out with bare hands, not caring about burning yourself.
The dress was mostly burnt to ashes, while only few bits remained that were still on fire. You managed to wrangle out your time machine out of it, the small metal box that was burning hot and left marks on your skin as you tried to hold it.
But even from here, you could see the damage was done. The area that displayed the year had now completely melted off, as did some of the buttons.
No. No. No. No. No. NO!
You couldn't help but cry as reality began to set in. You're stuck here.... you're stuck here forever.
Heart wrenching sobs wracked your body as you tried to hold the hot metal machine in your hands, your skin burning as you tried. Even when the servants came and poured the water on the fire, you still kept on crying, clutching your machine to your chest, partly to conceal it, partly from helplessness.
The maids looked at each in worry as they tried to console you, tried to pacify you, lest you had them executed. But it didn't matter, you were inconsolable. While one of the maids sat by your side, trying to soothe you, the other one ran in to get help.
Moments later, when you were able to hide the machine in your clothes again, someone came up and touched your shoulder from behind.
"Y/n?" You looked up through your tears. It was Baldwin. For some reason, seeing him only made you cry harder as you finally realised that you were stuck here with him. That you fucked up permanently.
"Oh princess. What's wrong? Don't cry- shhh, I'm here." He pulled your body towards him, letting you sob into his chest heartbreakingly. Exhaustion, frustration and shock must have overtook your body, as you fainted in his arms.
"Princess? Y/n?" He tried waking you up before collecting you in his arms and rushing back into the castle.
-
Hours later, you woke up to find yourself back in your room, lying in your bed. Your eyes looked down at your hands which were now wrapped in bandages. They only served as a reminder of what youd lost- your time machine.
Tears welled up in your eyes again. Am I- am I really stuck here? You sniffled.
A hand came up to caress your cheek, startling you.
It was Baldwin. "Princess? Do you want to tell me what happened?" His soft tone made you even more sad, and you raised your bandaged hands to wipe your tears, but he caught your wrists and lowered them back gently, using his own hands to wipe away the tears.
"No, you cant use your hands for sometime. The burns need to heal." His hand remained on your cheek, thumb caressing the area under your eye. "What happened, Y/n? Why were you so upset?"
You cant avoid the topic for long, and now that your way of escape is gone, you need to be careful of what you say and how you act around the king.
You let out a shaky breath. "They... they burned my clothes."
"Mmhm. Dont worry, I will have them bring in the fanciest clothes for you. Sibylla will make sure of it. Only the best for my princess." You shook your head. "Its not- its not that... They were my clothes... they burned away-"
"I know... but its a tradition. The maids burn away the bride-to-be's old clothes to signify that youre detaching yourself from the past and starting a new life." He explained, watching as you sniffled. Clearly, you were still upset over this.
"But the maids, they still should've informed you of this tradition before doing anything. I know how emotional of a transition this could be for girls." You nodded sadly, heart still sinking at the loss of your machine. "Dont worry though, they will be punished harshly for it. I have them in the dungeons tonight, and tomorrow-"
"What? Punished? No!" You cut him off. You dont want anyone to die because of you, especially when you dont know if anyone these people could potentially be an ancestor of yours.
"But they caused you harm. You burned yourself due to their-"
"No, no. Please, don't punish anyone- I- it was my fault for not knowing about royal traditions! Please, your Majesty, I beg you- don't do this- i- i-" You pleaded.
"Shhh, okay. Okay. I won't punish them for it." He patted your hair. "On one condition."
You looked at him in confusion.
"You call me Baldwin from now on." He grinned. "We are to be husband and wife soon, I don't want us to use royal titles with each other."
Your eyes widened. Is he- is he really giving up titles? You're not that blind to see his attempts at intimacy, but what you don't understand is why or even how you came to be on the receiving end of it.
What exactly is it about you that has made him want to marry you? Surely, Baldwin would've preferred to marry someone of this era, someone who is more compatible with him. Despite you trying to blend in the past months, you allowed Baldwin to see how you're not... as Conservative as most people of this time period are. One could say that he may be impressed by how intelligent you are than others, but it also brings up the factor of being "threatened" or "insulted" by the same intelligence.
Even though you consider beauty to be a "subjective" thing, the whole "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", you're not blind to how attractive others are. So why not them?
Did he only like you because you're intriguing? Does he still think you're a spy? Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer?
Probably. Or maybe he really does believe all that mumbo jumbo about you being "an angel sent to save him."
"As you wish... Baldwin."
-
Last night, after Baldwin had left you to rest, you stayed up and tried to figure out if you can fix your time machine, and if not, then can you built another one?
Fucking hell. You closed your eyes. I made it once, I can build it again. But it's easier said than done.
Back in the present, you had the technology to build it. Now? You have to first make the technology and the tools from scratch before you could even get on making your time machine, all while keeping your science project discrete, which was easier before because you weren't going to be married to a fucking King!
Right now, you're sitting in Baldwin's private dining room (yes, there are more than one dining room. He's royalty, what did you expect) having breakfast- well, being fed breakfast.
"You really don't need to do this." You said as Baldwin fed you another spoonful. He smiled as he wiped your lips with a napkin. "I don't need to, I want to. Besides, I don't want my princess starving."
Involuntary, your face flushed. "I- the maids could've fed me. And im not a princess." He frowned slightly. "Why would you- open wide, princess- why would you want the maids to feed you when you have me?" He pushed the spoon to your face as you parted your lips, but then he pulled it away and brought his face close to yours. "Do I make you nervous?"
You backed away immediately. "I- no- I mean-"
He burst out laughing. "I'm- I'm sorry princess, but you are just too endearing!" Baldwin chuckled as he grabbed the spoon again and fed you.
Your cheeks reddened, this time more out anger than embarrassment. "I don't want to eat anymore." You muttered, turning your face away.
He smiled as he brought the spoon to your lips again. "Ah ah, but you still haven't had enough." However, you rejected again, looking away instead of replying.
He sighed, placing the spoon back on the plate. "I'm sorry, princess. I shouldn't have laughed at you."
"You shouldn't have." You mumbled, face still turned away from him.
His lips quirked up a bit. "You know, for someone who insists that she's not a princess-" He turned your face to him gently. "- you sure have all the blandishment of one."
"Blandishment?"
"Flattering actions of a princess." He nodded.
You frowned. "Are you calling me a spoiled princess? A brat?"
"I would never!" Baldwin gasped. "I enjoy you acting like royalty, demanding respect and attention. You deserve it and more. Besides-" He picked up some food on the spoon again and brought it to your lips. "Even if if you were a spoiled, bratty princess, I wouldn't mind. I would enjoy spoiling you, hm?" He nudged the spoon to your lips softly.
You parted your lips, making him smile. It really is hard to stay mad at him when he looks at you with his baby blue eyes. They just- they draw you in.
"Also, before I forget, I will be leaving the castle today to meet Salauddin. So you can either hand out with Sibylla, who still wants to help you design your wedding gown, or your can-"
Salauddin? "Why are you meeting Salauddin? Isn't he your enemy?"
He chuckled. "Only on the battlefield. He and I have developed a friendship, or a mutual respect over the years. As to why I'm going to meet him, is... well, you."
"Me?" He nodded. "Since you told me that you're a Muslim, I thought that we could perhaps have a discreet Islamic wedding- what is it called? Nikkah? So, I could go and learn more about it from Salauddin."
You opened your mouth to protest. You don't need to be part of history as the "king of Jerusalem's Muslim wife" or "the Muslim-Christian wedding that took place during the Crusades", even if it might make the world more progressive.
But then, you didn't protest. "Can I come?"
Baldwin raised a brow at you. "You want to meet Salauddin?" You shook you're head. "Well, no, not really. I mean, I don't mind meeting him, but I just want to get out of the castle for a bit. It's been months since i left this place, I just want to get some fresh air." This could be the perfect opportunity for you, because if memory serves you right, Muslims of this era had made significant advances in science. Maybe you can use their help to get some tools to make the time machine again.
Baldwin looked unsure. "I don't know if it would be safe for you-" you held his hand with your bandaged ones. "Please, Baldwin? Can't you take me with you? And wouldn't I be the most safe when I'm with you?" Ah yes, stroke the male ego.
Finally, he smiled.
"Alright. I supposed it would be fine, after all, you should see the kingdom you're going to be the queen of."
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Thoughts? (Also, I need to go shower rn, so I'll put the read more later. Doing so much effort for u guys, my spoiled greedy children)
Part 3 is here.
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veronicaartemis · 2 years
Text
Found out my falcon Lego model was just sitting on the shelf broken as hell I'm so fucking. Upset
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star-girl69 · 4 months
Text
Music To Watch Girls To
Clarisse La Rue x Fem!Demigod!Reader
—-
sypnosis: is it wrong to be obsessed with clarisse? obviously not!!
a/n: i cant just write a drabble what is wrong w me it’s always gotta be a full fledged fic damn anyways i don’t like this one that much so don’t crucify me, but i hope you all enjoy!!
Music To Watch Boys To - Lana Del Rey
warnings: FRIENDS TO LOVERS GOOD LORD, all clarisse know is be mean to her friends, like girls, and lie, reader is a little insane this time…., it’s not watching clarisse train bc i got struck with inspo but you all will like it dw, there’s still muscles and watching clarisse fight, swearing, violence, mentions of weapons, reader is an honorary ares cabin member bc i think it’s cute and i do what i want, y/n gets hurt like 20 times ITS FOR THE PLOT OK, kissing!!!!, like angst for half a sec not rly tho, tell me if i missed anything!!
—-
The only word you think of when you think of Clarisse is fuck.
It describes your feelings about her so accurately. The first time you saw her, you knew you had to have this girl. And the first time you heard her talk, she was calling some Hephaestus kid a dumbass for not fixing a dent in her armor correctly.
She was an asshole, a bully, whatever, and she was also the hottest thing you’ve ever seen. But, thank the Gods you became close friends with her brother Matty, and then Carrie, and then you practically knew everyone in the Ares cabin like your own siblings.
Even just friendship with Ares kids is an intense rollercoaster.
They admired your for your deadly skill with a bow, a few of them even openly claiming you were probably the best at camp. They were loyal and fierce, protective, funny and everything you could want in a replacement family. Your mortal parent went down a dark road after your godly parent went back to Olympus, and you had never felt that love that everyone craved.
Clarisse hated you at first, like she does everyone, until one day at the bonfire you were sitting with her and a few of her siblings, the fire was hot and it was never the same. You still remember her eyes on you, feeling intoxicated under the moon. Besides, the nights are made for secrets.
And it became a tradition.
You would look at each other next to the fire, and never speak of it again.
The rest of the time, she was like any friend. That same loyalty, focus, but sometimes you could swear she seemed to look a little longer.
After the arrival of Percy Jackson, Clarisse was especially on edge. She was supposed to be training, but she was instead sulking and ranting to Matty and Carrie.
“And he really thinks he killed that Minotaur? Doesn’t matter. That’s what everyone else thinks.”
“Talking about the new kid?” you ask, sitting on top of the picnic table next to their cabin.
“Oh, yeah,” Carrie mumbles. “Talking all about the new kid.”
Clarisse stops her angry pacing to send her a harsh glare.
“He’s just a baby, Clarisse.”
She slams her hand down on the table next to you, pointing her finger in your face.
“He’s a liar,” she hisses. “I’m gonna make him admit it.”
“Hm, okay,” you say, pressing her foot against her stomach and pushing her back. “And that’s totally logical. But have you considered that he actually killed the Minotaur?”
“I’ll punch you.”
“Oh, you love me, Clarisse,” you smile, sweeping your arms out in a big circle. “I’m the brightest part of your day.”
She glares at you.
Matty coughs to hide a laugh.
“Just ignore him!” you say. “I don’t get why you’re so obsessed over him anyways.”
“I’m not explaining myself to you,” she huffs, stubborn as ever.
“Okay, Clarisse,” you say, drawing out the words.
You miss Carrie and Matty shooting each other looks.
—-
Chiron announces the next capture the flag game later that day, and the next morning you’re heading off to the Ares cabin with your bow and armor in tow.
You walk in. They’re all adjusting their armor, polishing their weapons. A few smile at you and wave, but you head straight towards the back. Clarisse is there, helping some of her younger siblings pick out weapons from the secret weapons stash the Ares kids have curated over the years.
It’s Danny’s first game. He’s only twelve.
She looks up at you for a moment, which is about as much acknowledgment as you’re gonna get. You sit at the end of someone’s empty bed, right next to Danny.
“How you feelin’?” you ask. His face is twisted into a stone cold mask.
“Excited,” he says, like he practiced it in the mirror.
“Well, I’m scared.”
He looks at you and frowns.
“You’re the best archer in camp. Matty says so.”
You shrug. “I may be the best archer, but I’m nowhere near the best fighter.”
He nods, thinking hard like the whole world is suddenly starting to make sense.
“Hey, if I promise to keep a look out for you from the trees- will you watch out for me on the ground?”
He doesn’t need your assurance. He’s a child of Ares, they’re prebuilt with the lust for battle. But you know how to play all of them like a fiddle. They like feeling important, and he’s only twelve. It doesn’t hurt you to give this to him.
You stick out your hand and he grabs it.
“Deal.”
“Deal.”
“Y/N,” Clarisse says. You realize she’s been standing there for a while. “Are you here to distract everyone or for a reason?”
“You know, I would welcome you into my cabin warmly.”
Her face remains stone cold. Danny runs off. Clarisse can be some sort of halfway nice, but rarely, and most of the time everyone just knows her cruel words, her ruthless tactics in battle, and her misleading words and smiles.
“You’re no fun,” you pout.
“You’re the one who sticks around. No one’s holding you hostage- you can leave.”
“I need a dagger.”
“Oh,” she says, blinking. “Wow, you actually came here for something? What happened to yours?”
“Broke,” you shrug. “The handle fell off. Weird, whatever.”
She hums, looking through the daggers hung on the wall. “This one.”
She hands it to you. It’s similar to your old dagger, except a lot sharper and a lot more sturdy. But it’s the same style you’re used to. You wonder if she knows that or not- Ares kids do notice everything.
But for Clarisse to actually do something like that with intention is rare.
“I like it,” you say. “Thanks!”
She hesitates for a second.
“Keep it.”
You look at her. “I can give it back.”
“I already told you to keep it. Don’t be pathetic and make me reassure you.”
“Okay, Clarisse,” you roll your eyes.
—-
Your position on capture the flag is always the same.
Carrie, Matty and Clarisse hunt in the woods on the ground, and you get thrown up into some random tree to shoot arrows at anyone you see.
The idea is, they see the arrow coming from up above and look to the trees, only for Clarisse, Matty and Carrie to ambush them on the ground.
It’s only the third game you’ve employed this tactic, so the blue team is starting to catch on.
After Chiron gives his speech you could probably say yourself, you head over to the three of them, holding your arm out to Matty and the red bandana. He ties it around without saying a word, Carrie reaches over and scolds you for not tying your armor tight enough.
“Blah, blah, blah,” you say. “I’ll live.”
“Yeah,” Carrie snorts. “Because I fixed it.”
“Shush,” Clarisse hisses. She finishes talking to a few more of her siblings, and they take their companies off into the woods. She turns back around. “I have a different plan today.”
Carrie and Matty grin dangerously.
There’s something in between the three of them, some sort of matching glint in their eyes.
“Okay, did I miss something? Why are you guys being so… scary?”
“You’ll see,” Clarisse says, her eyes dark.
Gods, it’s the hottest thing you’ve ever seen.
—-
The great thing about being up in the trees is you get to see everything.
You get to see the way Clarisse grins while she fights, the way she whips her spear around like it weights nothing, the way sweat forms at her brow- and the way her muscles flex. That’s the best part.
Her arms, her legs, her stomach, every part of Clarisse is just lean and toned muscle.
It makes you want to betray yourself in a way that would permanently embarrass you.
You follow them, of course, even though you have no idea what the hell is happening or what the plan is. There’s a reason she’s not telling you the plan. Why?
When you walk past the woods where you normally hunt, you start getting fidgety.
“Ok, guys, seriously. Tell me what’s going on.”
You realize you’re heading towards the side of the big hill, starting the climb up through the trees and rocks.
Clarisse turns around.
“Stop. Worrying.”
You grit your teeth. “I’m not worried. I’m just confused.”
She sighs, signaling to Carrie and Matty.
“You know,” she mutters. And they leave, so it’s just the two of you.
They spit up, making their way on the farthest two ends, all leading to the same ledge.
She grabs your wrists. “Stop cracking your fingers. It’s annoying, and you’ll hurt ‘em.”
“Then tell me what’s going on.”
She lets go of one of your wrists, but keeps her tight grip on the other, forcing you to keep pace behind her.
“I’m not gonna tell you again, Y/N. Don’t worry. I’m not going to put you in danger, obviously.” She laughs, as if the idea is ridiculous. “You’re a damn good archer.”
“Oh, my Gods. Did you just compliment me?”
She tenses up, finally realizing she did it.
“D-don’t let it go to your head.”
“Oh, I won’t. It will just be our little secret, won’t it?”
You bite your lip as you smile so you don’t burst out laughing.
“Sure,” she mutters, and you don’t miss the way she stares at your lips. She clears her throat, finally letting go of your wrist. “Percy Jackson-”
“Who’s a baby.”
“-attacked us last night.”
You raise an eyebrow, walking next to her. “Did you attack him first?”
She doesn’t answer that.
“I doubted you would join us. I just didn’t want you to be alone in the woods.”
“Why?”
“Hm, I saw Annabeth as we left the bathrooms. She knows, she knows we’re gonna get revenge so Luke’s gonna go straight for the flag because we’re not in the woods.”
“So you’re just sacrificing the entire game for revenge? Against a 12-year-old?”
“Revenge,” she mutters, thinking over it. “That’s a fun word.”
She smiles, looking at you.
“Oh, Gods,” you mutter.
—-
The rest of the walk continues in silence, until you can see Carrie and Matty in the distance, both waiting for Clarisse’s signal. She grins.
“Now, why don’t you just stay behind me and draw an arrow, and tell me if anyone’s coming. And when he’s distracted, you’ll sneak around behind him and block him from escaping, hm?”
You look around the forest. “Okay. But, Clarisse-”
She smacks her hand over your face. “I don’t need your morality right now. I just need you to keep those pretty eyes open and be our lookout.”
“Fine,” you hiss as you throw your hand off her mouth.
“Thank you,” she smiles, sarcastically. “Was that so hard?”
You mock her under your breath, but she signals to Carrie and Matty. They all start walking forward, trying for stealth, but your feet make sink into the gravel. He hears them. He sits up.
You don’t know anything about Percy Jackson, except for the fact he supposedly attacked the three musketeers you call your friends and possibly killed a Minotaur.
True to your word, you stay behind Clarisse, watching as she lifts her helmet off, throwing it to the ground.
Her spear sinks into the dirt.
“Flag’s that way,” Percy says. “It’s not here.”
“We know.”
You start walking out from behind her. His eyes flick between all four of you.
“Yeah, glory’s fine.” You can feel her eyes on you. “Revenge is more fun.”
She looks up at her spear, slamming it down, and you hear the familiar crackle as it lights up. Red hot electricity.
She laughs a bit.
He scrambles for his sword and spear, forgoing his helmet. They close him in. You walk around Carrie and behind him. His eyes move between you and Clarisse, but there’s nothing he can do to stop the four of you from surrounding him.
“No maiming. It’s like the one rule.”
His stance isn’t even close to correct.
“Yeah, I guess I’ll lose dessert privileges for a while,” she fake frets, looking up at her spear. She smiles and looks back at him. “I’ll live.”
Her face twists into a mask of focus and she swings out at him. He manages to dodge her first hit, and block the second with his shield.
She looks at Carrie and Matty. They lunge forward, attacking him together, and he certainly is a demigod- he has a natural talent.
But you can only really focus on the way she lifts her spear back over her head.
She grunts and spins, shocking him, before jabbing forward at his armor, making him fall back over the log he used to be laying on, right at your feet.
“I’m actually not interested in maiming or killing you, believe it or not,” she says, standing over him. “I just want you to admit you’re a fraud. It’d make me feel better. Are you feeling up to that yet?”
The way she holds her spear, the way she says it’ll make her feel better- you miss the way he swings out with his shield, hitting you in the shins.
“Fuck,” you hiss, leaning down to touch your burning leg. “Oh, fuck, that hurt.”
Percy grunts and takes off running.
“Y/N,” Matty says, a silent question in his concerned voice.
“I’m fine,” you mumble, shaking your leg out.
Clarisse glares at his retreating figure.
“I guess he has a fucking death wish,” she whispers, voice full of a deadly promise.
She grunts and launches herself over the log, Carrie and Matty following. You straighten yourself and take off running after them. You leg does burn, but you still manage to keep pace. Besides, Matty is already far ahead, surprising him and knocking him down from the path, making him tumble through the woods and land on the beach.
Matty and Carrie wave their swords at him from the right. He pants and breathes heavily, backing up, but when he turns around to run- Clarisse is there.
You draw your bow again, out of habit.
The arrows you use aren’t actual arrows of course, but filed down to little circle rocks at the end. They won’t kill you, but they fucking hurt.
You can’t help but giggle as he falls onto his back, scared just by Clarisse being there.
She laughs too, before all three of them launch into an attack.
They push him back, towards you, and you step back with them, waiting for the perfect moment.
But your eyes drift up to Clarisse. She’s hanging back for just a second while Matty and Carrie jab at him. She looks… proud. She looks really fucking proud that you’re laughing at this 12-year-olds misery.
But Clarisse was right. Revenge is fun. And you hate it, but you can’t stop it.
You smile back at her, and it’s like those nights at the bonfire, you know you’ll never speak of it again. It doesn’t matter. Right now, there’s angelic music playing in your head, and you’re watching her. You’re watching her, the sweat on her brow, the way her hands clasp her spear.
Her face twists into something else.
“Y/N!” she shouts, but Carrie and Matty pushed him too far, you didn’t move back enough- distracted by her- and you slam into each other, a tangle of limbs and metal.
He does this awkward sort of flip over you, landing a few feet behind you. You drop your bow in favor of catching yourself, and it gets caught on his shield and dragged along with him.
It’s a blur, you yelp as you go down, Percy groans.
They’re all standing there, tense and watching the way Percy stands up with your bow in his hands. His stance is nowhere near correct, it actually makes you cringe more than your bruised side after the fall.
Why the hell are you the one who keeps getting hurt?
Percy let’s out a breath. “Why don’t we all just walk away and forget this happened?”
“You just made that impossible,” Clarisse hisses.
You just want to get an ice pack on your leg and sit down. You’re tired. You want to boss Clarisse around as payment for bringing you here.
“Okay, okay, just stop. This is stupid, all of you. He’s, like, 12. He didn’t do it on purpose, you’re just attacking him for no reason.” Carrie and Matty look at the ground. Clarisse glares at you.
You turn around and face Percy. “Just go, okay.”
He looks between you and Clarisse.
“O-okay,” he breathes.
You can feel her move, hear her footsteps in the sand, her spear cutting through the wind. She comes around you, and Percy gets scared, so he raises up the bow and let’s it go- pointed straight at her face.
But it never hits her. It hits you, of course, because you have the worst luck in the world.
It hits you right in the chest, and it doesn’t kill you, but Percy is strong and it knocks the wind out of you.
Clarisse throws her spear to the ground and catches you, screaming your name at the top of her lungs.
Gods, this was so stupid. All of it. He didn’t mean to hurt you, he meant to stop her from attacking him. Because Clarisse is bloodthirsty. She cares about no one else but herself.
You were stupid to think she ever did.
But even through all of this, everyone treating you like a rag doll, you stare into Clarisse’s eyes. She’s frozen. She’s watching the rapid rise and fall of your chest, she’s watching the way you press your hand into your chest, trying to breathe, she’s looking at the fear in your eyes.
You’re terrified. And Clarisse looks the exact same way you feel.
You mouth her name.
Carrie and Matty are gathered around you, telling you to just breathe, take a breath in, but you can’t.
Clarisse let’s go of you and ignores your hands trying to hold her back, ignores Carrie warning her.
Oh, Gods, you’re in love with her and she’s just your friend, but it all hurts and you just need her right now.
Percy tries to scramble away from what he’s done, but Clarisse grabs him by his shirt and holds him up.
You think she’s actually going to kill him- then the conch sounds.
You all turn around.
The blue team runs to the beach, sticking the red flag into the ground. They all cheer loudly, Luke and Chris at the center of it.
Clarisse throws Percy back down on the ground.
She picks up your bow. Matty helps you stand up, you can breathe now, and you’re really fine. You just couldn’t for a minute. You don’t look at Clarisse, even though you want to.
—-
The four of you end up at the sword practice field, sitting on picnic tables like you did that one day.
Matty touches a few scratches on his arms from where he burst through the woods, scraping himself on something thorny.
Clarisse walks towards a dummy and starts attacking it. She lets all her anger out on it. They didn’t win, and her revenge is incomplete so, its not even worth it. You could have told her that from the beginning, but whatever.
Clarisse can do whatever she wants. She doesn’t listen to you, she doesn’t care about you- not as much as you want her too. Not as much as you care about her.
She’s so wonderfully in her element it makes you want her more. This is where she belongs, in the field in the sun, with her spear in her hands. She belongs here, where she feels closest to her father and farthest away from her responsibilities, from the constant battle it is for her to keep her emotions in check.
Even after a minute of her obliterating the dummy, she seems better. Finally, after another minute, she slows down until she stops.
You don’t stop looking at her until she turns around and looks at you. She breathes out.
“Are you okay?” she asks, sitting down on the opposite end of the bench.
“Fine. Just got the wind knocked out of me.”
She hums.
“C’mon, Matty,” Carrie says. “Let’s go back to the cabin, I’m thirsty.”
You’re not ready to get up yet, you’re too comfortable here on the bench, it’s too easy to breathe in the valley.
Clarisse flexes, stretching her spear over her head, and you watch her. Of course you watch her. You don’t think you’ll ever just be able to look at her in passing- you’ll always have to focused, you’ve always have to have your eyes totally and completely on her.
Like she’s some book you have to study. Like she’s all you’ve ever wanted to look at.
“Stop staring at me, weirdo,” she mumbles.
You sit up straighter. “I’m not. You’re just flexing dramatically all over the place, of course I’m gonna take notice of it.”
“Okay, sure,” she taunts, and you remember what happened, you remember how you felt when she walked away from you to continue with her revenge.
“I-I’m gonna go back to my cabin.” You don’t wanna be around her, not right now at least. “See you later, Clarisse.”
She stands up immediately. “I’ll walk you.”
“No, thanks, it’s fine.”
“Y/N, you got hurt because of me.” She crouches down and tugs up your pant leg. “How’s your leg? Your side?”
Matty, Carrie and Clarisse too, sometimes, are always touching you and doing things for you. It’s sweet. They aren’t good with the words, but they show you they love you, and that means more than anything else.
If she hadn’t done what she did, if she really cared about you, then you wouldn’t mind her touching you like this. You would love it.
“Clarisse- get off of me,” you shake your leg out, which hurts a bit, but she lets go and stands up.
Her face twists into one of anger, her fists clenched.
“I’m sorry, okay. I’m sorry you got hurt. I feel really bad about it, so just let me do this for you.”
“It’s not about that,” you mumble, cursing yourself and hoping she doesn’t hear you. Of course she does.
“Then what’s it about?”
You try to turn away, but she clamps her around your wrist and tugs you back towards her.
“What’s it about, Y/N?”
She holds your hand to her chest.
You both know what it’s about.
“Just stop, Clarisse,” but your body betrays you and you make no move to push her away. She notices, of course she notices, and she pulls you closer. “We’ve been dancing around each other for months.”
She blinks and her grip on your wrist loosens.
“And it was fun. It was a fun game, okay, Clarisse. But you can stop playing it now. You showed me today that your care more about yourself then you ever could me. I’m sick of it.” You tug your hand away. “I’m so sick of it, Clarisse.”
She grips you tighter again.
“What the hell are you talking about? I’m running around looking like a fool, and you think I care about myself? You think I don’t care about you?”
Your breath is a little shaky again.
“You could have helped me and you chose revenge.”
“For you.”
“What?”
“He slammed his shield into your leg, knocked you over, and then shot you in the chest. Of course I wanted revenge. Not for me, it was about that at first, but then, Gods, did you do something to him?”
You laugh. She smiles, staring at your face like she’s seeing you for the first time.
“Like, he just kept coming after you, I don’t get it. But I… I like you. Like, like you. And I don’t know what that means, but I don’t really care. I just… want you. I want to be near you all the time. And I go crazy when you’re with someone else. I want to touch you all the time, hug you, hold you… I want to kiss you so bad I think I’m gonna fucking explode.”
Fuck is always the first word you think of when you think of her. It used to be because she made you so angry with the secrets, but now it’s just the things the says make you wonder how much more you can fall in love with her.
“Well, I don’t really want you to explode,” you roll your eyes. “That’d be too messy. Besides, I-”
“You’re always such a fucking worrier.”
She plants her hands on your face and presses her lips to yours. You can feel the slight desperateness she won’t say, but she’ll tell you with her body. You can feel everything she won’t show, won’t say. How beautiful you are. How scared she was. How much she wanted you and for how long.
You feel it all just by her lips, and you can’t help but wonder what more she can tell you.
She pulls back and smiles.
“If you tell anyone about this, I’ll deny it.”
“I’m the light of your life, Clarisse.”
“Yeah,” she agrees, grabbing you tighter and kissing you again. You grab onto her arms, smiling. You always wondered what he muscles would feel like against you.
There’s only one word to describe the way it feels.
Fuck.
—-
clarisse when she accidentally told y/n she has pretty eyes: PLEASE DONT NOTICE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
y/n my ladybug not noticing: 🧍‍♀️
—-
y/n and clarisse just being insane together WDYM YOURE LAUGHING WHEN A KID FALLS OVER STOP
—-
clarisse: bitch stop WORRYING
y/n: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME SHUT UP
—-
clarisse and y/n both pretending that clarisse giving her a dagger wasnt literally a declaration of love and also clarisse throwing her spear down to catch y/n???? bitch she’s in LOVE
—-
taglist:
@jazhandzzz
@lvrue @t-wylia @laughingcheese037 @kroumi @urdeadpoet @colezb @rey26 @harmzilla @elliewilliamsbae @amberfreemansburntface @kyuupidwrites @neverwaakeme-up @shark1008 @liballer @heyimadison @nvirskies @pnsteblnme @mar2ss @restellsss
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wonkawinka · 2 months
Text
we’ll meet again
“we’ll meet again… don’t know where, don’t know when..”
alastor x angel!daughter!reader
CHAPTER THREE: weak ankles!
warnings/notes: NOT PROOFREAD (at least thoroughly haha), no use of y/n, uses she/her pronouns, reader is on the fem side, cannibals(?)/cannablism
wc: 2449
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“CAN you believe it?! actual human souls!,” emily paced around her room, if it could even be called that; a couple square feet more and it could just be a house without rooms, “and she let it happen! those poor human souls… HUMAN! like- LIKE YOU!” her hands shake violently in your face in deep emphasis
she groans in frustration as she flops down on her bed. “ugh… if only i can do something.”
“thats the thing, emily. you can.” you state, turning to face her displayed body lazily splattered on her bed. one flick away and shed immediately melt into a pile of goop.
“how?! we’ve been trying to find ways for the past week! even then…” she turns “i dont want.. you know.” a rare frown settles on the seraphim’s face.
“you dont want to let sera down, huh?” she groans solemnly at your assumption, face down into her pillow now.
“no…! well, not fully, atleast.. i mean, its not like i can go to hell myself…”
that rang a bell in your mind, it vibrated throughout your whole body. maybe she cant. you open your mouth to vocalize your opinions before shutting it, turning back around. unfortunately for you, this doesnt go unnoticed by the second seraphim.
“youre not thinking of going down there… are you?” ah, you shoudlve known you cant hide anything from her. besides sparkles or rainbows, she was basically built to detect things like these. despite how naive she can come off, people do tend to underestimate her actual abilities.
“i cant just leave them there em– i just.” you frown “i can do something for them. its not like theres anything else waiting for me up here. you havent been on earth like i have.”
“this is about your father… isnt it?”
static rings in your ears as the assumption brings you to a halt. maybe. you were mad at him, though. so was it for him?
“you dont understand.”
she calls your name, “its just— its dangerous down there.”
“look, if youre not going to try and fix this directly, i will. its not like i have nothing to lose any way…”
“thats not true, though.” she grabs your hands and looks at you, a frown resting on her usual joyful face.
“i help people, emily. thats all i do. thats how we met. i help. … but my fa..fami…,” you hesitate, debating over your word choice, “… they’re down there; it seems like my life attracts ‘bad things’, hah. i just.. i need to go.”
“i understand that but… do you really think hanging onto the past will fix that?”
her statement bites back at your tongue, inhibiting your ability to speak on the matter any longer.
“…good night, emily.” hah, your non-confrontational mind pushed you out the door of her room. guilt rushed into your veins but you pushed along, you had something you wanted and you took it.
thats one of the things the heaven-borne angels will never understand. ambition. the human need to strive for success and borderline obsession in something they want. need. hand cuffs dragging you along some sick deal you signed with yourself.
you wandered aimlessly throughout the halls of the heaven’s court, navigating your way to the exit. Before you could, the annoying, sadly familiar voice sent radio waves through your mind.
“WELL WELL WELL isnt it little miss goody two shoes! whats a bitch like you wandering around at this hour?” adam and lute stop you dead in your tracks. ugh, you had to put your pretty face on if you were going to get past these wretches.
“good evening, sir adam, maam,” you nod to them with the politetest smile you can offer to a lot like them, “dont mind a gal like me, just strollin’ her way home.”
“AH, well, since we’re here already. say youve heard about the fun little endeavor we got goin on, yeah? why dont you–”
“no—,” you take a deep breath, “no, thank you.”
“bitch, you didnt even let me fini–.”
“well pardon me, but i dont need you to finish. i will absolutely not be joining you on your little… excursion to hell.”
“OH, come on! first of all, wouldnt kill ya to stop interruping me, kinda RUDE.” your smile has tightened that it nearly imprinted on your face “two, you got kickass aim! you shot… squirrels and shit when you were alive. what, your old man teach ya that or something?”
“whether i can shoot or not is none of your concern, adam. now if youll excuse me, i have places to be. errands to be run.” trying slipping past them, you cant help but notice they were still attempting to hinder your steps.
lute stands in front of you with the same old face she had. it was never even her face. it was a mask. a helmet. one shielding the exorcists from the physical reality of the state of man.
adams voice booms at you “LISTEN, bitch. any low life creature like you should be GRATEFUL that i even tried recruiting you in the first place. its a fucking HONOR to work with me.”
“uhuh. well this low life creature is oh, soooo grateful that the one and only adam, first man of heaven and earth, invited her to your um,” the man smirks as she continues , “outings, but she has more important things to do that day. good day to ya’.”
you shouldve flown off a long time ago.
— — — — — — — — — —
the clock ticked quietly. the minute, second, and hour hand all moving in direct correspondence with one another to simply label the concept of human events in mathematical sequences. the clock struck three.
it was exactly two weeks till the extermination. you had to do what you had to do anyway. you may or may have not stolen something of emily’s to get where you were today, but oh well. shed understand… hypothetically.
its not like that stop you anyway.
flowing energy of pure essence and magic floated aimlessly through the air, twisting and curling with each individual atom. each surged with enough power to bend events on earth.
whispers of the ancient and calls from the deep filled your ears as the quiet grew louder towards you. it was overwhelming, but yet, each medley made you seem like you were being relaxed.
a portal opened, supposedly to the destination you needed to get at. before stepping in, you thought.
i can die here. again. a cannibal could yank off your arm. you might get assaulted. you might mawled. robbed. the possibilities were endless. hell was free will with no bounds.
a frown appeared on your lips as you stared at the blinding light. you were one step away from the sole thing you have been searching for weeks.
your soul could be enslaved.
.
you were never that dumb, anyway.
you hurried through the portal, making haste as if someone on the other side has caught you in the act. if you were caught, youd be banned. banished. fall—
“MMPHM!” you walk right into a random hold llady with a cane.
“WATCH WHERE YAR GOIN’, YOU WRENCH!” the old lady screamed at you, causing you to frown. “BETTER GET SOME EYES BEFORE I EAT THEM MYSELF!”
“sorry, maam…”
“sorry, my ass! hmph.”
you laugh nervously as you circle around the woman to escape, only to be surrounded by… a lot more people. even through the crowds compaction, from the distance, there was a sign.
CANNIBAL TOWN.
ah, just what you needed. seems like youre just a magnet for every cannibal, even in death.
“haha… hello… there, good sir.” some man goes to examine your wing and sniffs it… he gives a nod of approval to his friend before you snatch it away from his hands, hugging it close to your chest. “that is mine, thank you.”
your nose twitched at the stench of hell. the grim and soot combining into various airborne particulates that filled your lungs like toxins.
however, one goes in and tries to chomp your ank—
sharp pain reaches the area as you shriek back in pain, earning some recognition from passerbyers, and especially, a certain someone.
see, its not everyday people of hell see pearly white wings on their doorstep. it's like these cannibals just hit the goldmine of a chicken dinner and you were the first thing on their menu.
right before you started throwing hands, a lovely woman showed up. she reminded you of some of the ladies that babysitted you as a kid when you were alive. had the dress, the hat, the heels, everything. just taller. and with black… PITCH black irises.
“oh, shoo! leave the poor woman alone! did cha mothers teach you anything?!” she shoos off the boys, hands resting on her hips and frown resting on her face. she turns around and formally greets you.
“ALRIGHT, lets see. whats a doll like you hanging around a place like this? i gotta say, im a little flattered someone as cute as you showin’ up at my doorstep!” she thoroughly examines you and obviously takes note of your nearly obnoxious feathered wings.
she clicks her tongue and smiles “ah! you really did fall from heaven, huh? ohhh, im just teasing ya’, hun. but i do say, your one the make the mens ankles go weak! quite the bees knees!”
“as much as i love the enthusiasm, seems like ive had the opposite effect.” you display the very clear bite mark, making rosie laugh at your matching energy.
“ohh, we’ll get you fixed right up! dont mind those boys… you know how they are, especially in this time of age, YEESH!” she pushes you inside a cute ol’ building Franklin and Rosie’s Emporium.
“sit, sit! make yourself comfortable,” her motherly tone calms you down, “can i getcha anything! ooo, where are my manners, i forgot to introduce myself! the names rosie, its always a pleasure to find poor unfortunate souls like yours end up on my doorstep, especially cute ones.” she winks at you as you settle yourself in a chair, taking note of the wonderful hues and coziness of the environment. it was nothing you wouldve expected from hell.
you introduce youreelf formally, “its a pleasure to meet you. quite the pleasure, especially for a gal’ like yourself.” you smiled warmly at the woman, making her giggle.
“awwww, you’re so sweet! no wonder the boys wanted a taste of ya’, you drip with honey, hun!”
“i could say the same for you, maam.” you smile, offering the same compassion she showed. she grabs some bandages in a miscellaneous cabinet and lifts up your ankle.
“here, i’ll getcha fixed up in no time.”
silence, oddly comforting silence, filled the hall as she wrapped bandages around your ankle.
“thank you, by the way.”
“oh, don’t mention it honey, but i must say, seeing a gal like you is quite rare down here.” she states, and despite her irises being pitch black, they still held emotion.
“well— um,” you were interrupted by the static of the radio, making rosie gasp and smile in delight. she grabs a radio by the nearby coffee table and places it closer.
“oooo, you got here just in time for my good friend alastor’s podcast! quite the charmer, he is!”
his voice filled both of your ears, for a second your face falters with shock and mixed emotion, something that doesn't go unnoticed by the self-built overlord, but it fixed itself right away.
“greetings, dear sinners! it is i, your favorite radio sh…”
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
you sat at your desk, scribbling away as you studied on yet another miscellaneous biology lesson. the radio turned on, comfortably listening to your fathers voice as he spoke.
pangenesis refers to the creation of pangenes during one’s lifetime which will then be passed down to the organism’s offspring.
the blending traits theory refers to the combination of traits from the parents. however, this fails to acknowledge the reappearance of traits in next genera…
genetics was truly something. dna wrapped and packed perfectly by histone proteins, compacted in nucleosomes, and turned into the primary foundation of lives.
you and alastor were never related. he scooped you up from some miscellaneous dumpster on the side of the road. it was quite cinematic, actually. right out of a book.
newcomers always questioned your sudden appearance next to him, especially since you looked nothing like him. some assume your father had an act with some women, but those who truly knew of the two of you were ones you hold dear.
“thats it for tonight, folks! its pouring hard, tonight! i better get home and start cookin’ dinner before my daughter starves to death. good night!” his acknowledgement made you smile as the radio filled your ears once more. you turned it off and yawned, shutting the biology textbook in front of you.
some kids at school would ask you who your real parents were. youd always respond the same. you said yes and you always, always responded with your fathers name. they would protest and would ask you for a real answer, in which you continue to justify your answer.
even if the two of you werent bound by blood, you were bound by bond.
thirty minutes later, keys rattled, a door opened.
the sound makes you run down the stairs as you didnt hear his usual announcement of his presence. you skidded down hallways on your socks.
you turned the corner and saw him drenched with rainwater.
“im no genuis, pa, but it seems you got a lil’ water on ya’”
exhaustion evident in his eyes, he still manages to smile and roll his eyes at you.
“hush, now, i know i forgot my umbrella,” very unlike him , “be a dear and grab a towel?”
you laugh and walk to the storage closey and threw him a towel. “you need a lot more than a towel. a shower, new change of clothes..” you smiled “and a nice cup of tea, hm?”
he embraces you in a hug, getting you wet “hey! i already took a bath, you smell like wet dog!”
“aah, am i not allowed to embrace my favorite daughter in a sincere act of my care and love for her?”
“im your only daughter, pa.”
“and you are also my favorite daughter.”
you push him away and roll your eyes, but your bright smile remains, “go shower! ugh, now i need to change..” you stretched out your shirt to examine it. he hung his coat and kicked off his shoes. “shoo, go shower before you catch a cold, ill cook ya somethin’.”
“thank you, dear.”
“anything for you dad.”
anything for you.
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wangxianficfinder · 14 days
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Fic Finder
Apr 12th
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1. For the ficfinder: In the last "In the mood for", no 8 reminded me of a fic but I cant recall the one. Wwx is travelling by himself, writing letters to LZ, he stays in a town and it ends up cursed. LZ and the juniors arrive to solve the case. Wwx is acting weird and hides his letters. The juniors read the letters and find out wwx is angry and full of resentment about how he's been treated. They find out the curse resonates from him. They talk it out to resolve matters. It was written really well. Any idea? @kesterling
FOUND! i found it myself, it kept bugging me. The fic is sadly deleted but on the wayback machine: Dock of the Bay by Haysel.
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2. Hi! This is for Fic Finder. All I remember is the ending, where Yu Ziyuan had her arms cut off, and that there was a part that mentioned that this was punishment enough as she would have to live her life with no pride. Also, she had an affair with Jin Guangshan, and Jiang Cheng was his child, and she had to become his concubine, I think. Hope someone knows which fic this is!
FOUND? sounds like the deleted "OOC!" by A_flower_in_the_snow. It's avaiable on the wayback machine.
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3. Hi, once again.
I’m looking for a fic that I seriously can’t find, at all.
So it would really be a great help if you could.
Wwx was brought to cloud recesses for healing after madam yu had whipped him so bloody he couldn’t move and wa sin active danger of dying.
The disciples who brought him there did so on a donkey I think?
Anyway they asked LZ to please befriend Wwx.
The healers weren’t sure if Wwx would survive. He does.
And joins the lan, befriending LZ oh and he can’t fight with his sword anymore because of the damage and something about his heart having been weakened.
That is all I remember.
Have a nice day/night. @ravenwithwings
NOT FOUND!🔒🧡 rain falls and soaks into the earth series by RoseThorne (T, 57k, WangXian, WIP, Near Death Experience, Attempt Drowning, Madam Yu Bashing, Recovery, No war AU)
FOUND! 🧡 Company by WithBroomBefore (T, 29k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Pre-Relationship, Getting Together, POV LWJ, Fix-It, Pre-Canon, at least to start, WWX goes to Cloud Recesses, But Not In The Usual Way, fear of character death, Everybody Lives, Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Light Angst, good teacher LQR, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, brief discussion of past minor character suicide, Kitten, Not YZY Friendly)
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4. Hi!! I'm looking for a fic I can't remember the name of, a modern AU, possibly set in the UK where lwj is part of some sort of anarchist/ community activist group and wwx joins. Most people in the group already know wwx and are reallly good friends with him but lwj is super skeptical about him. Also at some point I think wwx goes missing and lwj is super worried??? I can't remember anything else... thank you in advance🙏🙏🙏 @kavlobebeki
FOUND? now to begin the road by detectorist (E, 28k, WangXian, Modern AU, Pining, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Getting Together, Light Angst, Food as a Metaphor for Love, Activism, Politics, Rooftop Conversations)
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5. Hi, I'm wondering if anyone else remembers a fic similar to leading tone by silencemostofall, and pastel by antebunny, but that's set in the canon era while they're at Cloud Recesses? A few details I remember was that the coloured mark that indicated Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian's relationship started to fade, and that Jiang Cheng was allowed home to celebrate his birthday, while Wei Wuxian's was completely ignored by the Jiang Sect and so he spent it drinking and was caught by Lan Wangji. Apologies that I don't have more! @flaxenhairedsamurai
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6. There was this fic on ao3 I don't remember, much, but it had this part, where lwj refused to go near his child(/children??) Because when wwx was pregnant he slowly grew ill or I dunno I think there was some complications (?) and when it was finally the time of delivery, wwx fell into coma I think. And lxc was angry with lwj for not even looking at his child / children when both wc were so excited for the baby.
There is a similar wx comic on Twitter. Can you please find both of them? The ao3 fic and the Twitter comic too please?
FOUND? I don’t know the Ao3 but I do know the comic similar to the description which made by AlasseTassir in twitter and they post it on their pixiv.
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7. A while back I found and lost 😥 a fic where WangXian, I think, were smuggling Wen Ning (and probably Wen Qing) across a border somewhere and they put a fake mustache on one of the two and people kept complimenting them on how nice it looked. I think people even copied the mustache after that? Maybe even the bad Wens? That's literally all I can remember about it. I've tried every tag I can think of and haven't been able to find it. Hopefully someone will know. TIA! @lilyinthesnow
FOUND! Bloom where you are planted by luckymoonly (M, 44k wangxian, MM/WQ, Canon Divergence, Fix It, courting, Mpreg, Sunshot Campaign, Fluff, Happy Ending, getting together early, Romance, WWX giving birth in the middle of the war? Most likely than you think!, Yúnmèng Siblings Feels, Smut, Drama, Blood and Violence, Minor Character Death, There Is Only One Bed, No Fall of Lotus Pier, Crossdressing, Shotgun Wedding, Mention of miscarriage (not WWX), wangxian Have a Breeding Kink, Giving Birth, Soft granduncle LQR)
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8. hii i need help finding a fic. I remember it is ongoing it is a time travel one where wei ying travels back to the past decides not to join the jiang sect but to be rouge i remember he stole gold from the sects which made the economy go to shit the emperor got involved and disbanded the wen sect wei ying is now rich he is studying to pass some exams he has a nice house with a mini farm meets lan zhan and they fall in love and we find out from lan qiren that wei ying is a royal bc his father was a prince but he ran away to be a servant to the jiang sect and sometime near the last chapters the emperor gives permission to wangxian to marry and to take with him some princes and princesses to raise away from the palace. @wangxian4evermdzs
FOUND? Starting Over by SplitGirl28 (M, 69k, WIP, Time Travel Fix-It, Back to Childhood, Change his life, Different lifestyle, But WWX is still gifted genius, Unrestrained WWX, Living his ideal life)
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9. Hi all! 👋 I am so sorry to bother you if you’ve already found this fic but I’ve scoured across the internet all day and decided to go ahead and ask anyway! I’m looking for a fic that has Wei Ying being adopted into the Lan clan as a child, he was scared to be kicked out and became rather solemn and a perfect lan clan member, on the other hand Lan Zhan has grown to be shameless and flirts with Wei Ying every chance he gets. There’s also some Jiang Bashing, OCs, and maybe some time travel? Help🥹
FOUND? could be the deleted "Uno Reverse" by A_flower_in_the_snow. It's on the wayback machine.
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10. Hello!! I swear I just read it and now I can't find this fic- but it's supposed to be an AU where wwx stayed behind during Lotus Pier's attack and Madam Yu and JC escaped but wwx stayed to fight, and lwj heard wwx was missing and he rushes to help wwx and he runs in JC and JY also trying to save wwx? Thank you in advance!
FOUND? for as long as he will let me by RavenclawLoki (T, 8k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Hurt WWX, Love Confessions, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, First Kiss, BAMF JYL, WangXian Get a Happy Ending)
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11. Hi, thanks so much for all your efforts!!
I’ve been looking for a fic and hope it hasn’t been deleted. Wei Ying, Jiang Cheng, and Jiang Yanli were mermaids but were also semi-amphibious? They could go on land for short periods and they helped fight the Wens during the Sunshot Campaign. Wei Ying is married off to Lan Zhan and he lives in the Cloud Recesses. Most of the story is centered around Wei Ying adjusting to his life on the surface amongst humans and navigating the relationship with his new husband.
FOUND? you’re a bird in the water / i’m a fish on the ground by plonk (Not Rated, 8k, WangXian, Merpeople, Canon Era)
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12. Hi, can you help me find a fic . The story goes somewhat like Lan Wangji was in a nighthunt and had taken shelter in an inn . There was a storm, and Wei Ying came to that inn seeking shelter with a few orphan kids . Those kids and Wei Ying were both from the same, and they escaped from being sold ? I think Wangji was a bit older than Wei Ying. Also, Wei Ying could use his cultivation powers without any medium like swords or instruments. 🙏
FOUND? ❤️ Seen and not heard by eatmyass (E, 51k, wangxian, case fic, no sunshot, kid fic, dadxian, strangers to lovers, found family, LWJ pov, pining, fake/pretend relationship, first time, falling in love)
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13. Helppp! looking for a fic I read awhile ago and it just wont leave my mind, So basically Wangxian had an age gap LWJ was like 16 or 17 and WWX in his 20's but like "the cloud recesses" is some sort of mansion and the lotus siblings visit them in cloud recesses. I think it was tagged E if that helps
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14. Hi! For Fic Finder. Thank you very much for your help. There’s a fic I thought I bookmarked but can no longer find.
The first fic is a dark Lans fic set during the Cloud Recesses arc. WWX and JC are betrothed in this universe. But LWJ and WWX fall in love. LWJ manipulates the environment and JCs insecurities to break them up. I believe it’s in a two part series.
Thank you!
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15. Story of Yanxi Palace based fic. WY is the empress/consort who hides in a box from Sizhui. LZ knows he's inside the box, and as a prank/punishment, he uses the box to play a boardgames with Sizhui
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16. Hi! I really am looking for this story in AO3 and still can't find it. It was about Wei Wuxian who got married to Wen Chao but Lan Zhan couldn't take it so he plans to take Wei Wuxian back by claiming Wei Wuxian each time he got (even in the wedding night of WWX and WC) and destroying the company of the Wens. As they (LWJ & WWX) continued the deed, WWX ended up pregnant and LWJ is more than determined to take WWX back. I do hope you can help me find this story. Thank you in advance!😘 @gegegeeee
FOUND? 姻緣 | this marriage was always predestinedby saccharinings (E, 43k, wangxian, Cheating, Infidelity, not between wangxian, WWX is married and LWJ persuades him to cheat on his husband with him, Dark LWJ, A/B/O, Feminizing Language, Exhibitionism, Size Difference, WagnXian Have a Breeding Kink, Stomach Bulge, Possessive LWJ, Manipulation, WWX Wears Lingerie, Rape/Non-con Elements, for one part, Hair-pulling Kink, Alpha LWJ, Omega WWX, Mirror Sex, Vibrators, Phone Sex, Rimming, Edgeplay, slight choking kink, Light Bondage, Inappropriate Use of Gūsū Lán Forehead Ribbon, LJY’s Big Fat Crush on Milfxian, Pregnant WWX, WangXian Endgame, Spanish Translation)
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17. I'm looking for this fic that's basically a bunch of drabbles in one. Each chapter title is one word and serves as the theme for that chapter. I remember it having quite a lot of chapters, but I only remember one titled "kneeling" where Wuxian kneeled before Wangji (if you need a better picture, imagine that one scene in CQL where Wuxian kneeled and put his head on Yanli's lap in that one episode) @mindaneacc
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18. Hey, I'm looking for a fic where LZ and WY are already married and living in Gusu. But they get separated from each other due to an illness/curse going through the Wen Sect, so LZ leaves to give medical aid. In the process, he ends up adopting Wen Yuan. There is a sweet connection between WY and Lan Qiren. But most importantly Wen Qing managed to assassinate Wen Ruohan. @mother-of-pigeons
I remember 18, though I can't find it either. The sickness/curse in question made people burn from the inside; it was contagious from breathing in the ashes of the people dying. There was a honestly touching scene with Wen Chao dying while Wen Ning kept him company. Wen Qing assassinated WRH because she was treating him for the illness, for which they'd finally found the cure, and he announced that he therefore would use it as a weapon against the other sects, by deliberately infecting them and holding the cure hostage. The only ones they'd allow to have the cure are the Lans, because they're the only ones who came to help. He also intended to marry WQ, as he'd lost both his sons and needed new ones. I think it might have been part of a series, with the first part showing how WangXian got together.
FOUND!🔒Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder by Titans_R_Us (T, 11k, WangXian, Arranged Marriage, Mutual Pining, Temporary Separation, BAMF WQ)
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19. Hello!! Here I am again looking for a wangxian fic. It's one that I read through here but never found again, anyway, the things I remember from the fic are: the sects transform into animals, being shapeshifters, the Lan are dragons like WWX, I also remember that the transfer of core occurred but the core has a mind of its own and it goes back to WWX's body, WWX faints and Wanji makes a soulmate connection... Those are the only things I remember!!
Note: I think Ao3 should have category filtering in our subscriptions, because I think I subscribed to the story but I already looked and couldn't find it... @sweettiebah
FOUND? sounds like "Revealed Truths Against Dragon's Fire" by Preludian_Staves. It's hidden on AO3 but avaiable on the waback machine.
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20. Hi! I'm looking for a fic with a red string of fate au where wwx jumps off the cliff, but has a moment of weakness when he looks at lwj and end up tying himself to lwj before dying... And when he wakes up he discovers lwj kept the string bc when he wakes up as mxy he can see it connecting him to lwj. He flees and tries to put as much distance as he can between them but lwj still finds him at dafan mountain... It's a multi chapter (I think) with a happy ending. Help please? 🥺
FOUND? 💖 a trail of blood to find your way back home by blackelement7 (T, 19k, wangxian, JC & WWX, what if a soulmate string au, but without the soulmates aspect of it, a reflection on the nature of marriage, WWX is full of regrets, so is LWJ, Mutual Pining, Miscommunication, JC & WWX Reconciliation, JC is trying his best but words are hard and his brother is stupid, Siblings, Canonical Character Death, but it’s just WWX, accidental 3zun feels, WWX as the most unreliable of narrators)
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tiktaalic · 6 days
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tortured poets review. by song
fortnight: fine. sounds like a song. one of the lana drag ones. the actual lyrical content is nothing special. i would not have made this track one. 6/10
tortured poets department: kind of exactly what you would expect from a taylor swift album called tortured poets department. it's silly. it's got references. it makes you go. girl? already less distinct musically. 3/10
my boy only breaks his favorite toys: the consequence of doing lana drag is that you listen to songs and go this would be a lot better if lana got her chords on it. fundamentally not a song that i can enjoy from taylor allison swift. a song i would respect in lana of video games fame catalogue once she strips it down. not like head turningly strange like tpd just plain and simple middle of the road. 4/10
down bad: this one is unlistenable for me. cant explain why. probably the chorus of down bad. i think it's tooooooo silly too silly by far when taylor swift does how do you do fellow teens vocabulary. 2/10
so long london: i can see the place that this takes on my spotify wrapped. lyrics are fine. good even. this + backing + doing something even the littlest bit different from soft monotone talk singing makes it one of the most memorable on this album by miles. probably not near the top of most memorable in her hundreds deep bench though. can't think of anything to dock it for but it's no belter. 8/10.
but daddy i love him: yeah okay. i love when she does a silly one. i think the instrumentals are nice. i'm having his baby. no i'm not! but you should see your face. easily i would listen to an album that was full of songs to this theme / musicality. points docked because i dont think she knows it's as silly as it is. 7/10.
fresh out the slammer: bored. i just looked at the lyrics and they're passable but they're performed in the most boring possible manner. stupidest name imaginable. i actually might bump it a point or two if the name was different. 4/10
florida: makes me go yaaaaaay florence every time i hear it. taylor's part halsey 2014 core. could have been worse! if i was in charge of cutting tracks i would keep this one. 6/10
guilty as sin: started it went oh i'm docking this one for boring. read the first quarter of lyrics and went oh this is fine? got to second half and went oh i don't care for this. can imagine a world where it's a better song with different backing and emphasis. 5/10
whose afraid of little old me: i dont think it's good necessarily but i love every song where shes like im craaaazy im insane. i think for the concept it's going for it could have been put together differently. 6/10
i can fix him: i like the way it sounds. but could use more oomph. it's so nice to hear guitars though. don't care for the subject matter. 5/10
loml: snooze. boring lyrics. boring performance. 4/10
i can do it with a broken heart: BAFFLING. easily the me / karma of the album. the tonal mismatch is the point but . well. it is what it is. i would like this more if it WAS a barbie soundtrack release i think. then it would have an extra layer of silly. i think this might make my wrapped. unfortunately. 5/10.
smallest man who ever lived: who gives a shit about matty healy. 4/10
the alchemy: head in my hands. head in my hands. football song. it's so over. and we are never going to be so back. 3/10
clara bow: i like the intro. i can't see myself ever doing more than half humming this. lyrics are whatever. fine, passable. 6/10
the black dog: yeah it's fine. no complaints. guitar 👍. 6/10
getyouback: why would you EVER tee yourself up perfectly to be compared to a better song. 3/10
albatross: oh i liked this one on first listen. 7/10.
chloe sam sophia marcus: outing song ‼️‼️‼️divorce music‼️‼️‼️. nothing too exciting or groundbreaking musically. 5.5?
how did it end: um. it gets points for being #real but not much else. 5/10.
so high school: i think i would like it if it was even a TOUCH less heterosexual. i would cut 3 lines that would turn it into a 6. i can see this song in someone else's hands dominating the radio and me loving that. in taylor's hands i'm giving it a 5/10.
i hate it here: not interesting. next. 4/10
thank you aimee: out of respect for taylor swift's struggles i will withhold comment and rating. -_-
look in people's windows: lyrics aren't bad but it's another one that's not really. doing anything. 4/10
the prophecy: yeah i'll give this one a 7/10. i would have one (1) greige complaint if this was on folkevermore but that's pretty damn solid.
cassandra: passing it and moving on. that's as much as it deserves. 5/10
peter: lyrics get a thumbs up. another 5.5? i could be talked into a six.
the bolter: yes girl commitment issues. 6/10. actually. 7/10.
robin: jesus god this album is too long. i have listened to too much taylor swift tpd to give this any kind of rating.
the manuscript: 5/10. like if woulda coulda shoulda had no beat
thank you for sharing this journey. with me and also taylor swift
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spruzu · 3 months
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What i love about this specific moment in sonic prime s3 epi4 is that it shows sonic really does know what hes done and is fully aware that half of the things that have happened are HIS fault. In this part he thinks that this is also his fault all because he couldnt run fast enough to save them and this leads to him thinking about everything hes done for all of this to happen.
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Then Knucks tries to change his mind, knucks knows full well that sonic has done somethings that caused all of this to happen but he wants sonic to be ok, to be able to fight. But he also wants sonic to believe that just because he couldnt run fast enough doesnt meant that its his fault tails and mangey are 'dead' and thats something he believes himself.
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Then sonic goes on to disagree with knucks. He knows that knucks and rebel think that all of this was his fault but he also genuinely thinks that tails and mangey being gone is all his fault, no matter what someone says even if they have a good point. He doesnt see that knucks and rebel believe that tails and mangey is his fault because in the moment all he can think about his everything he's done to get himself and everybody else in this situation.
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And then this part he knows that if he had NEVER touched the prism in the first place knucks, rebel, nine and everybody else wouldnt even be alive. He knows it's his fault they had such horrible lives and he's the fault of that and it really does hit him hard. Sonic's normally the kind of guy (well hedgehog) to shrug this kind of stuff of but all of the things that have happened in the past few days for him must have been sitting on top of him like a pile of boulders and must have finally squashed him.
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But when Dr. Deep comes in he doesnt even care about the condition Sonic's in. All he wants to do is fight Nine and the reason for that is because he wants what i guess you could call revenge on Nine because it's 'All Sonic's fault'. He wants to fight because of Sonic and he wants Sonic to know that. Pretty much, Dr. Deep isn't a good comforter despite his yoga and blah blah blah. (I had more to say here but i cant put it into words)
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AND HERE, IT BREAKS MY HEART. Sonics face SHOWS the realisation of everything hitting him at once. The prism fight in the cave at the start, his first experience with New Yoke and remembering what happened when he was about to touch the shard but then completely pushing it down as he went into Boscage Maze. He goes onto himself and flicks through everything that has happened and fully realises that even if he had help fix the problems, they all started because of HIM. And the three arguing in the back but then Sonic blocking them out also shows that he really is thinking about everything and that it really affects his mood in a negative way.
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Then it all comes crashing down on his even more as he tries not to cry and wipes away the tears, not wanting to seem weak and just wanting to show that he's strong. Sonic wants everyone to think that he's this big strong hedgehog and that he doesn't cry or get overwhelmed by the things that happen in his life and this shows that. He cracks but he doesn't want the other to see. As he stands up after wiping away his tears he goes to immediate masking and trying to show that he's 'angry' and has an idea to defeat Nine. The others never saw sonics sadness and breaking so they never know that this really hits him hard but this really does show his character development and how we all actually thought he was this strong character that didn't get affected by anything but he clearly does here and in most of all of season 3.
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Also if u read all of this thank you <3 im a rambler and i probably kept repeating myself but i wanted to post all of this because i was re-watching sonic prime and it came across me so yeah. imma stop yapping now :)
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onskepa · 10 months
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Can I get an Isekai'd Lo'ak x female human reader?
Basically, how I imagine it going is that the reader just finished watching Avatar 2 and then she went to sleep. The next morning, she woken up and saw that someone was in her room (on the floor). She screamed and there pillows at the intruder until she realized that he looked familiar.
After that I just imagine the reader and Lo'ak becoming best friends and the reader starting to fall for Lo'ak, and Lo'ak feeling the same way about Y/n, but neither of them say anything.
Okay- now I'm getting carried away and want this as a series- 🥺
I gotchu! since this is an Isekai I hope you dont mind that I altered a few things. Enjoy! Uniltsa series
PROLOUGE!
Uniltsa
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"I see now. I cant save my family by running. This is our home, this is our fortress. This is where we make our stand".
First person POV
The screen turned black and the credits rolled in. Turning off the T.V. I made my way to the kitchen to get something to eat my sorrows away. Avatar the Way of Water came out, and I of course watched it. When I was younger my parents showed me the first movie, and after all these years, the graphics hold pretty damn well to today's standards. I was smol when the first movie came out, so to prepare myself to watch the second movie, I watched the first movie. Already I have my favorite characters and of course, they died. How wonderful.
Seeing the second movie, it was no different. Ok it was in a way. My favorite character is lo'ak. I like him. I enjoy how he is so much like Jake yet more of a goofball. Oh to be fun like him.
My heart broke along side with him when neteyam died and attending his funeral. He lost in most confidant, he big brother. To lose a sibling like that sure hits in the feels. Though he has Tsireya in the movie, I wish he had more than just spider or kiri. Like a true best friend, someone who will always be there for him no matter what. Through thick and thin. Not being kidnapped or not being killed.
In way, I see myself in lo'ak. Can never be taken seriously and always the screw up. Oh well, now with tik tok edits, I see lo'ak all over my FY page. He sure is a cutie. I wanna see more of him when part 3 comes out. Hopefully soon.
Of course I do have my fantasies. What girl doesn't? I imagine myself being along his side, in the wonder planet of Pandora, exploring, catching fish, or collecting fruits. Anything just as I see myself with him. Damn, being a na'vi sounds better than being a human. But this is reality and nothing can be done with a magic wand or wishes.
Ah dang! I'm out of pudding! oh well, I got nothing else to do. Grabbing my sweater and money I head out of my place to get my pudding fix. Me being me, I didn't see where I was going, just staring at my phone looking at lo'ak edits.
Wait a second.....is that a truck-
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Honestly what is a Isekai without truck-kun?
Anyways, The real adventure begins in the first chapter!! Hope you all enjoyed this bit! Chapter one is in the works but don't know when I will post it!
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jaiistg · 10 months
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Reader as "im insecure" and Azul ashengrotto as "if you cant love you insecurities then I will."
"When I see your face,theres none of a thing that I would change cause girl your amazing.Just the way you are."
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-An very important note,pls read.
Hi! So this is related to what happened to me yesterday.Im already insecure of myself and my guy classmate told me negative things and made me hate myself even more.I know that alot of people are going tru this which is why I made this post.I want to make people feel good and I just wanna say looks don't define who you are.You are beautiful/handsome and perfect just the way you are and whenever someone tells you negative things about yourself thats a lie.They are probably jealous of you which is why they wanna make you feel insecure of youself,plus who are they to say that? They aren't even perfect.Noone is.I hope this post makes you feel better.make sure to drink water and love yourself<33 I love you soo much and Im proud of you.
•Azul is really confused on why your insecure of yourself I mean,your literally perfect to his eyes.
•If only you could see how you look like in his eyes...<33
•Whenever he sees your face he falls all over again for you.
•Since he knows your insecure he tells you everyday how pretty you are, ect so that you can gain self confidence<33
•He will ATTACK people who bodyshames or faceshames you.He dosent understand why people do that,like are they happy that they made someone insecure???? They are proud of doing that shit???
•Trust me,he knows how hard it is being insecure of themselves.He himself experienced it but now its just in the past.A very bad past that is still stuck to his head.
•He dosent want you to feel the way he felt when he was a child which is why he made a promise to himself that HE WILL PROTECT YOU NO MATTER WHAT.
•You tried breaking up with him because you thought that he deserved better,it went likee this.
"Why did you wanna see me?" Azul asked
"Listen,I wanna break up with you."
"W-what why? D-did I do anything wrong? Please tell me,!! We can do better!!"
"No.Its not your fault."
"then why....?"
"You deserve better than me.I don't even know what you saw in me that made you like me.Im sorry if Im an overthinker,im not even pretty enough to be your girlfriend.Which is why im letting you go.You deserve to be with someone much better then me,im really sorry but im doing this for you.Your better off without someone like me."
"No,Y/n,Im not letting you break up with me.I don't ever wanna be with anyone but you,fuck I can't even imagine being with someone else! Your perfect to me.Im grateful to have a girlfriend like you and anyone else would be.I love every single thing about you.Theres no single flaw I see everytime I see you."
•You had a mental breakdown because someone said negative stuff's about you and god,Azul couldn't take it anymore,he had a talked with the guy.
"You have no right to tell Y/n that,are you perfect huh? Ofcourse your not, there's not a single human being that is perfect,so tell me.How do you feel? HOW DO YOU FUCKING FEEL AFTER TELLING HER THAT???? YOU MADE HER INSECURE OF HERSELF AGAIN JUST AS SHE WAS STARTING TO LOVE HERSELF AGAIN! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR HER TO LOVE HERSELF AND WHEN SHE FINALLY LEARNED TO LOVE HERSELF YOUR JUST GONNA FUCKING RUIN IT?! FIX YOURSELF!"
•Everytime you started to feel insecure of yourself Azul is always there to comfort you.He loves you so much :((<33
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the-creative-crow · 6 months
Text
I don't know what to call this, but it was knocking around my head at work so I decided to write it out. I don't plan to do anything else with this.
I look over the empty field where I spent the night as I try to stretch my arms and legs. Logically I know it’s pointless, these metal joints with their fixed weapons system cant stretch, but the humanity still left in me does it instinctually. 4 weeks since the bombs fell. 4 weeks since my home was wiped off the map. 4 weeks I’ve been in suspended animation piloting this mech. 
Funny, I used to think I’d never tire of the feeling. That towering over the landscape, a machine of death able to slaughter battalions of soldiers with minimal effort. But now I’m trapped. I try to think back to my training. I was never good at memorizing all the rules. 6 hours, 6 hours was the recommended maximum to pilot a mech under standard procedures. That could be pushed to.. 3 days? Yes, 3 days in case of emergency. I try to focus, what was the maximum time? 1 week? No, it was longer than that. It doesn’t matter, I'm well past that. My radar blips softly, 1 contact 400 meters away. My friend or foe systems were shot so I have no way of knowing who it is.
I begin the trek towards the contact. I need friendlies so I can disconnect, but if it’s hostile then… nevermind that I need allies. The joints of my machine groan and strain as I push forward. Don’t worry buddy, we will get you oiled soon, I’ll make sure of it myself. 200 meters, just over the ridge, the contact hasn’t moved, strange but they could be damaged and immobile.
I crest the ridge and look towards the contact, another mech with friendly colors. Trying and failing to stop the hope from welling in me I pick up my speed, forcing my mech to sprint. As I get closer I can see they are wrecked, I blast my warhorn to alert them of my presence. No response, unless you count the hundreds of birds I scared off. I see no signs of life from the mech. I aim my cannon carefully at the hatch cringing knowing the pain I’m about to inflict on the pilot as I fire a single shot blowing the hatch open.
I lean and peak inside, nothing but wreckage, the animation tank shattered and a lifeless corpse lying in the mess. I feel like crying but this body can’t, no eyes means no tears. Then a sharp pain shoots through my shoulder. A rocket hit me, but my shields absorbed most of it but the armor was damaged. I swivel looking for the source when I see the flash of a rocket coming from the woods. I fire wildly with my autocannon, sending rounds down in a desperate attempt to stop another impact. A lucky shot hits the rocket sending it careening off harmlessly destroying some dirt. Focusing on the woods I let loose with a salvo of my own, 15 micro-missiles exploding at where I hoped the attacker was. No further movement or attacks came my way so I allowed myself to relax.
Now 15 missiles down and a couple hundred cannon rounds I continue my trek, focusing north. Hopefully the capital is still standing and I can find help there if not sooner… just 8 more weeks of travel.
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the-kipsabian · 3 months
Text
grief, death, funerals, a hint of selfharm, what have you. your triggers, if you will
in a really weird way, all this feels just performative to me now. ive cried today so much i feel strangely numb to it all, but at the same time i still have so much left bubbling inside of me that its hard to find a proper reaction or words for it
saying goodbye to someone youve known all your life, no matter how much or how little, is. still so hard. i havent done this in over ten years. its weird. but its difficult. trying to converse with people with happy memories when yours are so mudded when you havent seen them in a few years due to both personal reasons and a global pandemic forcing you apart from the compromised. when the last thing you remember them telling you is that you shouldnt complain about breakfast foods and asking why you are going to spend the night enjoying an activity thats not typically seen as a "girls thing" in an almost mocking manner, it paints a very distorted image in your mind about how you feel, and how you should feel. it makes things feel so odd, but you cant say anything about it, because this isnt the time to talk about memories you have but dont want to keep. youre supposed to fondly remember the ones we lost and celebrate what they gave us that we can still keep using in this life we have left
i. havent been grieving very well, if im being honest. not only does losing two people in a very short amount of time mess me up even more, but i feel like ive been so selfish in the memories i hold dear and the images i keep in my mind to remember these people by. i know its how i feel and its valid, but seeing everyone else grief with positivity just.. makes me feel. weird. odd. out of place. like im doing it wrong and i dont know how to fix it
i have felt selfish more than anything. i see people around me grieving terribly for these people and while i cant relate, it eats me up inside thinking that i could be causing people this kind of pain and suffering by wanting to die. i know its not right, i.. i dont want people to feel this way if i want to finally feel better one day and see no other choice. it makes me feel selfish that i think i could feel better by making it worse for everyone else. i know this current grief isnt about me, but it has made me think about it a lot. i dont know what i feel. i dont know how i want to live, if i want to live and for how long. but i feel like i have no other option but to go on. and its selfish of me to think that i have to do it. for other people and their feelings, but not for myself. cause i havent found that thing that actively makes me want to keep going. i know it makes no sense but it feels bad. it hurts. everything hurts
you should be able to tell people you love them while they are still here. not whispering it through tears while you set flowers down on a pile of dirt that now homes them. it shouldnt be like that. i dont know how it makes me feel. i. i dont even in the end know how much i really did love them. i mean i did. i think. but its hard to feel like i did. ive been so numb for so long and not tried to mend anything in the past few years and now i cant
i dont know how to feel about anything. i dont think i can feel anything
i just wish it didnt hurt
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ramattra-simping · 1 year
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Ramattra x (human)F/Reader
Summary: After joining Overwatch Ramattra learned not all humans are bad, or maybe its because you are there as well and Ramattra is fond of you.
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Ramattra doesnt know what to think anymore. He hates Human more than anything in this world and yet he cant find himself to leave Overwatch to return to the Null Sector. Lost in his thoughts he strolled around in the Overwatch Base Not caring where he goes. It didnt take him long before he bumped into someone. "Watch where you goi-." Ramattra stopped mid sentence after seeing who he bumped into. It was (y/n). He just starred down at you watching you how you fix your hair that went infront of your face.
"Oh Hi Ramattra. Sorry for bumping in you." You said with a small smile on your face watching the Omnic seeing what he will do next. "No I am the one who should apologize. I hope you arent hurt." He didnt understand him. If it would have been someone else he wouldnt care If they are hurt or not. If it would be someone else he wouldnt apologize for anything. "No im not, thank you for wondering. Well i'll see you later i have to go and bring Winstons the latest reports. See you" and after that you walked past Ramattra continuing on your way.
Ramattra couldnt help watching you leaving so soon. For some odd reason he wanted to continue talking to you. He didnt understand him why he thought like it. Your smile is still on his mind. You always have a smile on your face no matter who you are with. But why does he wish you would only smile at him like this why does he have the need to memorice it so badly.
"Is something bothering you, Brother?" Ramattra jumped a little hearing a voice next to him but he doesnt need to look who it was. "No. Just lost in thoughts you could say." He looked down to the Omnic Monk ready to continue his walk. "There is no need to lie dear Brother. Please tell me what it is" "If i knew it myself i would tell you" it was true He doesnt know what is wrong with him. On one side he hates all humans so much for the suffering they caused and yet he met the Overwatch agents who accept for who he is and not what. And then there you who is always nice to him, who always shows him your beautiful smile, who helps him no matter with what, who is willing to repair him after a hard Mission. "Your mind is clowed by many things, am i right Brother?" Zenyatta never really saw Ramattra Like this. So confused of what is going on in His head. Usualy he knows what He wants, how He gets it and who needs to be harmed If needed.
"Are you thinking of the last Mission you had with the others?" Zenyatta placed a Hand on Ramattras arm looking up at him hoping for an answer. "The Mission isnt it" No its not the Mission but rather who was on the Mission. They were on Kings Row to get a payload with important things on. With him were Lena, better known as Tracer, Angela, Ana and (y/n). (Y/n), she was the reason they got it Last second before Talon got it. With her around it never gets boring. She always jokes at least 3 Times on a Mission.
"I swear Ram, If you dont stop being so grumpy i'll Go get Sombra from Talon so she Hacks you" Ramattra didnt know why but he laughted at her silly threat. "You wouldnt dare." "Ohh but i would" He could hear the joking ton in it knowing she wouldnt do it in the first place.
"Its (y/n). No matter what i do she always returns to my mind. No matter how hard i want to hate her and be disgusted by her i cant, No matter how many times i try to push her away, i shortly long for her presence and no matter what has happened i just wish to see her Smile." If He could Ramattra would turn red after everything he said. He feels humiliated talking like this about a simple human. " Ah i understand now what is troubling you, Brother. You have started to get feelings for her. But nothing to be afraid of." 'you got feelings for her.' 'you got feelings for her.' that one sentence repeated itself so many times in Ramattras head he lost counting.
"You should tell her, Brother." "What? No. I can not do such a thing." Truth is he can but he is to scared to see her reaction. Maybe she will laught at him, maybe she will run away from him or worse maybe she will hate him. The thought of all these things are enought to make Ramattra fear win over. "You should. I have a feeling she wouldnt reject you and when did my feelings ever betraited us." "Well If i must be honest there was this one time-" before Ramattra could finish His sentence Zenyatta gave him a small slap in his arm. "If you wont do it i will dear Brother." If Ramattra could show emotions his face would be in full shock.
"Alright. I will do it myself." Either he would embarrass himself or Zenyatta does it and when he can chose he would do it himself. He excuses himself and went on search for (y/n). It took him a while to find you but he eventually did. You were sitting in the chilling lounge. A place where the agents could go to relax a bit after Missions. With you were Hana and Lena. Ramattra saw the three females chatting other something that he couldnt make out. Ramattra walked over to them and stopped a bit behind them. "Excuse me, but i need to speak with (y/n). Alone." He didnt wait for an answer. He took your hand in his big one as gentle as he could.
Outside of the room again Ramattra turned around looking down at your small figure still holding her hand. "Is there anything you need, Ram?" (Y/n) asked him using her nickname she gave him once while in a Mission. "Yes there is something i need. I need to tell you something." Ramattra wasnt sure how he will confes to you what he should tell her. "Well im ready to listen. Whatever it is i try my best to help you." after that you smiled at him again. The same smile he would do anything to see it everytime on your face.
" (y/n) i must admit im Not the best when it comes to this so i try my best. What i need to tell you is that-that i adore you." he took a small Talk break studing your face. So far He didnt saw any sign of fear or disgust so that is a good thing. "I adore all little things you do. I adore your smile. I adore your laught. I adore how you play with your hair when you try to focus in a Mission or any task you have. I adore you for you are. I believe it is even more than just adortion. I love you, (y/n)."
Even thought he Just waited a few Seconds for you to say something it felt like an eternity. What gave him hope was feeling how your soft hand took his one back and hold it. "Ramattra, thats so sweet of you to say. Do you really mean all of it?" " Every single Word" Ramattra than saw how you stand on your tip toes trying to reach his face. He bowed meeting you half way. He was confused to why you would do it until he felt your soft lips in His face plates. In full shock he didnt move just looking at you smiling like a child in Christmas.
"Well Ramattra, i must admit that i do as well love you." He thought he misheared you. But looking at your face He only saw love and honesty on it. He wrapoed his arms around you spinning you around. "You dont know how much it means for me to hear this from you" you couldnt Help yourself but to laught at his behaviour. He may look like a big mean and grumpy Guy- Well omnic- but he surly can act like a child. "Lets go some where privat to spend some time together alone" "Of course, my dear" and with that you and Ramattra went out of the base to spend the rest of the day together.
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This is my first oneshot for Ramattra. I hope it turned out good. Maybe Ramattra seems a bit ooc. But i still hope you guys enjoyed it.
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