#i pride myself on being good at being emotional and being open but in reality i am emotional. yes. but not at all good at being open | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cupidstwin333 · 8 months

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If matchups are still open can i request obey me and diabolic lovers romantic matchup?

I'm Female, she/her pronouns. I'm bisexual, biromantic.

I'm istp 5w4 548.

I'm ambivert,I'm very laid back and prefer to go with the flow of life but sometimes come off as ego-centric and domineering. I have to admit I’m a lazy person who prefers having a leisure more than anything else. But once i find my motivation I'm actually pretty hardworking, I won't stop or take breaks until i completely finish what I started. I mostly spends my time as a stoic and a calm person and i might even come off as apathetic towards the world around me [even tho I’m not]. I’m usually perceived as being insensitive because i generally prefer to deal with emotions in my own head rather than openly [and somehow I'm still well liked?!] tbh I often think I’m above others, yet I am always willing to acknowledge that I’m a total piece of shit [very rarely tho] Sometimes i have fantasies and ideals that I want to start creating or becoming but i give myself a reality check and let the dream fade away. I’m very innovative but still choose the practical route a lot. It’s easy for me to create goals and envision the end results but it’s ridiculously hard for me to remain committed to the process.

I have a very big ego but one word alone is enough to destroy it. i Will never admit my wrong, unless internally. I'm playful around people i like [friends, family, classmates] and if I believe I'm right I'll passive agressivly fight you to prove my point [even if I'm wrong]. Like i said i have hard time committing to something i loose interest, motivation and get bored rather easily. If I'm stressed about something i bottle everything up and worry about it alone. Not because I don't want to burden other or anything simply because my pride and ego is getting in my way. I'm not really a jealous person and even if i get jealous i keep it to myself and try my best to hide it. I care about what others think of me [more like what others think of my parents] so towards strangers and people that know my parents I'm very polite and despite my "intimidating" appearance i try to be welcoming and friendly to others [by others I don't mean everyone, i mean people who i would like to be friends with or I'm already friends with and people who know my parents]

I tend to get bored of things easily or i get insecure that I won't be able to complete it and overthinking things and give up on it so i try not to plan ahead. I notice negative traits in people [myself included] before good traits. I always try to be realistic but my overthinking turns me into negative person. I'm very future orientated person so i pick things depending on how useful it'll be for me in the future. Getting angry, yelling, insulting and being agressive in general is my defense mechanism when I'm sad or in an argument. I'm very prideful and stubborn person I actually like socializing but usually i can't find the topic to talk about with people. I LOVE talking about myself but I'd rather die than share my struggles, feelings and personal things similar to this. I'm taking them to grave. I'm pretty biased person. I hate when people insult me even when they don't mean it and they're jocking not even i insult myself. I'm better at socializing older people than people my age. I like to think that I'm a great listener but I'm insecure about my reactions to their stories. Even if i find it funny i find it hard to express it on my face. I like arguments [not with my loved ones]

Tbh i actually like to socialize and speak to people. I love to speaking especially on subjects such as what is moral or immoral, psychological and philosophical stuff, gender equality, crime stuff and etc.

I'm 5'10, i have medium length dark red hair [more like wine red] in a layered haircut [it almost looks like a wolfcut]. I have brown almond eyes, straight nose and lips I'm not unaware shape of but it's medium size, not big but not small either. I also have multiple beauty mark on my face, one on my chin, one on my nose, one on my right cheek but it's closer to my mouth and one on my left cheek closer to my eye.

I like horror genre [movies, books, analogue horror and etc], watching movies, listening to true. I love music especially indie and rock music. i like Researching and learning more about myself. I love reading greek mythology and Japanese urban legends. I'm interested in psychology and philosophy. I also find researching about demonology and ancient religions interesting. I love Victorian/romantic/vampire gothic aesthetic I'm also very in love with gothic novels. I wouldn't really consider this as a hobby cause i do it once or twice a year but i also play volleyball and piano. I also really love spicy food. Red is my favourite colour and cats and snakes are my favourite animals.

I may not be a religious person but i love Christinan themed paintings, sculptures and buildings. I also love interior designs of orthodox churches, it may look creepy but it also has it's allure and charm to it.

I hate very loud places but i also hate places that are very quiet. I dislike sweet food, dogs, romance movies[i love romance genre just not in movies], "Pinterest goth" aesthetic, sweating, heat, smell of mushrooms, math, my math teacher, losing.

My biggest fear is getting old.

As for my idea type I value honesty and loyalty, I'm more attracted [romantically or platonically] to people who are confident in themselves and their abilities. I also value partner/friend that isn't overprotective and allows me my independence and let's me do things my way. I don't think i have a specific type i just want my partner to keep me entertained as i tend to get bored rather easily.

My love language is act of service and quality time.

After a long time of thinking 💭 your match is…

Leviathan

How it started:

You never considered yourself one to meddle in the affairs of demons. After all, you were more comfortable researching ancient texts and hidden mysteries than engaging in the antics of any of the demons here . So when Leviathan, the avatar of Envy, suddenly barged through your door interrupting your research, you were slightly annoyed.

"Hey, I need your help leveling up in DevilCraft!" Leviathan exclaimed, his eyes looked at you desperately. DevilCraft is an enchanted game that takes you to the virtual world. Leviathan has been really obsessed with it recently.

You raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. "DevilCraft? Really, Leviathan?"

But Leviathan was persistent. He forced you to follow him to his room and he regaled you with tales of epic quests and rare in-game items. For a brief moment, your curiosity got the better of you, and you reluctantly agreed to join him in the virtual world. Why not? It seemed like it could be fun.

As you embarked on adventures in DevilCraft, you realized that Leviathan's obsession with gaming ran deep. He was a master strategist, always seeking the most efficient way to defeat virtual foes and conquer digital realms. Your laid-back nature contrasted sharply with his intense focus, but somehow, it worked. So much so that gaming with Leviathan became a regular activity for you.

One evening, as you both battled monsters and navigated treacherous dungeons, Leviathan turned to you, his avatar mimicking his earnest expression.

"You know… I've noticed you're not like most humans," he began, his voice tinged with curiosity. "You're so... different."

You shrugged, letting your guard down slightly. "What do you mean, Leviathan?"

He leaned closer, his virtual character mirroring the gesture. "You're not all loud and outgoing like others. You're... unique."

For the first time in a long while, you felt a twinge of vulnerability. Leviathan's genuine curiosity and admiration were unlike anything you had encountered before. So, you began to share, bit by bit, the thoughts and feelings you'd kept hidden behind your stoic facade.

Leviathan listened intently, his in-game character standing by your side. He didn't judge or push you to open up further. Instead, he simply let you be, offering silent support as you revealed the layers of your complex personality.

As your duo in DevilCraft continued to conquer challenges and level up, you and Leviathan grew closer. Your bond transcended your initial differences. You began to appreciate his unwavering loyalty and genuine care.

"Maybe I was wrong about humans," Leviathan mused one night as you both took a break from gaming.

You chuckled. "Maybe you were."

In that moment, under the glow of the virtual world, you realized that perhaps there was room in your life for more than just research and solitude. With Leviathan by your side, you discovered the beauty of embracing the unexpected, even in a digital realm, and opening your heart to a demon who saw beyond your ego and insecurities, and loved you for who you truly were.

General headcanons:

💘He's always been a fan of video game music, but your taste broadens his horizons.

💘He learns from you to embrace his own independence and become more confident in himself.

💘You introduce him to your favorite indie bands, and you often spend evenings together, headphones on, exploring new music and discussing your favorite tracks.

Other possible matches: Lucifer

And Reiji Sakamaki

How it started:

In the dimly lit library of a grand, gothic mansion, you sat alone, engrossed in a worn book of Japanese urban legends. The room was filled with the scent of old leather-bound tomes and the soft flicker of candlelight.

As you turned a page, your brown-almond eyes focused intently, a presence entered the room, silent yet undeniable. It was Reiji Sakamaki, one of the vampires that inhabited the mansion. With his aristocratic demeanor and love for the darker arts, he was drawn to the mysterious aura that surrounded you.

Reiji observed you from the shadows, intrigued by the way your lips curled into a thoughtful smile as you read about ghosts and spirits. You were the embodiment of a Victorian romantic, and he couldn't help but be drawn to your unconventional charm.

After a moment of hesitation, Reiji cleared his throat, announcing his presence. Your eyes flicked up from your book, and your lips parted in a small, involuntary smile. You recognized Reiji as one of the Sakamaki brothers living in the mansion but hadn't interacted with him much before.

"Indulging in your fascination with the supernatural, I see." Reiji spoke, his voice smooth and firm.

You closed the book and leaned back in your chair, your gaze locking with Reiji's. "Well, it's better than the dullness of everyday life, isn't it?" you replied, your voice calm and tinged with a hint of arrogance.

Reiji couldn't help but admire your confidence, a trait he found both intriguing and infuriating. He moved closer, the candlelight casting a flickering glow on his face. "Indeed," he replied, "The pursuit of knowledge, especially that which lies in the shadows, can be quite stimulating."

You raised an eyebrow, your curiosity piqued. "And what knowledge do you seek, Reiji Sakamaki?"

Reiji took a moment to consider his response, his prideful nature momentarily giving way to a desire to connect with you. "I have an interest in demonology and ancient religions," he admitted, "The dark arts have always fascinated me."

Your lips curled into a genuine smile, your eyes shining with a newfound interest. "Well, that's something we have in common," you said, surprising even yourself with your willingness to share your interests. "I've always been drawn to the same subjects."

As the conversation between you and Reiji deepened, you found yourselves connecting on a level that neither of you had experienced before. Your discussions delved into the realms of psychology, philosophy, and the moral intricacies of the world. Your stoic demeanor began to crack, revealing a more vulnerable and passionate side.

Days turned into weeks, and you and Reiji spent countless hours in the library, exploring the depths of your shared interests. Your laid-back attitude was a stark contrast to Reiji's rigid upbringing, yet somehow, you complemented each other perfectly.

In the quiet moments between your discussions, Reiji found himself captivated by your beauty, from your wine-red hair to the beauty marks that adorned your face.

One evening, as the candles flickered low, Reiji reached out and brushed a strand of your hair behind your ear. You didn't pull away, instead leaning into his touch, your gaze locked onto his. In that moment, their egos and pride melted away, leaving behind a deep connection that neither could deny.

General headcanons:

💘Reiji exercises immense self-control, never giving in to his vampire instincts. He prioritized your emotional connection over his primal desires. (Reiji has a secret stash of synthetic blood substitutes in the mansion to satisfy his vampiric thirst without you ever suspecting.)

💘Reiji occasionally surprises you with unique, cryptic gifts that subtly allude to his vampiric nature, such as a vintage, antique mirror with no reflection.

💘On clear nights, you both escape to the mansion's rooftop to stargaze. You share your knowledge of constellations and mythology, while Reiji adds scientific insights.

I’d appreciate it if you’d reblog this, and I hope you enjoyed reading this <3

#matchups #obeyme matchup #diabolik lovers #diabolik lovers matchup #obey me headcannons #perfect match #fanfiction #obey me #reiji sakamaki #diabolik lovers reiji #reiji x reader #leviathanobeyme #leviathan x reader #leviathan avatar of envy #obey me leviathan #om! leviathan #diabolik lovers headcanons #obey me matchups #obey me shall we date

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prolix-yuy · 2 years

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What in the Actual Hell?

I don't know what to do with myself. This one got me by surprise! I passed 400 followers around my birthday and was like, "Aw, that's nice, you guys are too kind, I am a little gremlin who thrives on positive reinforcement," and then you come back and do this?! What's a girl supposed to do to deal with all these emotions?

Well, write, I guess.

I made the decision that IF I hit a crazy milestone (like 500 of you beauties being kind enough to follow me) I was going to open requests. So here I am, making good on my word!

LJ's 500 Follower Celebration!

Welcome to my little request celebration! To thank you all for being amazing and supporting me on this wild platform, I'll be opening my asks to requests starting now, July 25th, until July 31st, for requests!

Here are the request guidelines:

Send me the pairing you would like. It can be any character I've written before (including any versions from previous stories), or someone completely new! I work mostly within the Pedro Pascal cinematic universe, but other Star Wars franchises are welcome too.

Pick a theme from the list under the "Read More."

If there is anything specific you'd like to add to the prompt (a little flavoring for the story) or would not like in the prompt (Teen vs Explicit, fluff vs angst, etc) please feel free to include it! Otherwise I'll run with the prompt as the inspiration strikes.

I'll be keeping the requests under 2k words for my own sanity and ability to get them out with any sort of timeliness.

Requests will be posted...roughly over the next few weeks. It will honestly depend on how many come in. I'll give a posting update after the 31st!

The list of topics I do not write for is included at the bottom of the theme list. I will also reserve the right to not complete an ask if it is outside of my comfort zone content-wise.

Thank you all for brightening up my days with fun interactions, wonderful comments and so many new friendships. You make writing a joy for me, and I love sharing new stories with you.

Topics

Beauty of simplicity

Change of power – necessity

Change versus tradition

Chaos and order

Circle of life

Coming of age

Communication – verbal and nonverbal

Companionship as salvation

Convention and rebellion

Dangers of ignorance

Darkness and light

Death – inevitable or tragedy

Desire to escape

Destruction of beauty

Disillusionment and dreams

Displacement

Empowerment

Emptiness of attaining false dream

Everlasting love

Facing darkness

Facing reality

Fading beauty

Faith versus doubt

Family – blessing or curse

Fate and free will

Fear of failure

Fulfillment

Greed as downfall

Growing up – pain or pleasure

Hazards of passing judgment

Heartbreak of betrayal

Heroism – real and perceived

Hierarchy in nature

Identity crisis

Illusion of power

Immortality

Individual versus society

Inner versus outer strength

Injustice

Isolation

Knowledge versus ignorance

Loneliness as destructive force

Losing hope

Loss of innocence

Lost honor

Lost love

Love and sacrifice

Man against nature

Manipulation

Materialism as downfall

Names – power and significance

Nature as beauty

Necessity of work

Optimism – power or folly

Overcoming – fear, weakness, vice

Power and corruption

Power of silence

Power of tradition

Power of wealth

Power of words

Pride and downfall

Progress – real or illusion

Quest for discovery

Quest for power

Rebirth

Reunion

Role of men

Role of Religion – virtue or hypocrisy

Self-awareness

Self-preservation

Self-reliance

Temporary nature of physical beauty

Temptation and destruction

Vanity as downfall

Vulnerability of the meek

Vulnerability of the strong

Will to survive

Wisdom of experience

Youth and beauty

Topics I do not write for: explicit pregnancy content; motherhood; non/con, dub/con, or cnc without consent being explicitly given beforehand; incest; mommy kink; dd/lg dynamic; ageplay; sexual violence towards any character.

#LJ's 500 Follower Celebration!#pedro pascal cinematic universe #star wars cinematic universe #fic requests #thank you all for being the best

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lesewut · 7 months

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“He should never forget that the world exists because its opposites are balanced. So the rational is balanced by the irrational, and the intended by the given.” [Jung „Archetypes“, p. 92]

run-of-the-mill: "(blaaa blaaaa blaaaaa) and what are you doing this summer?"

Thinking to myself: "Thank you for asking, I'm on a never-ending hike and I am glad that I met Jung as a relatively new companion, as our life-paths are sometimes bringing fateful encounters together. We're meeting my shadows, the shadows of my parents and I am collecting my dream material for a better awareness of what tickles my subconscious. When you work on your mental health, there are no seasons, but one forging process- a continuous healing and promoting the individuation process of becoming more and more psychologically and spiritually mature."

On a never-ending journey of self-contemplation, old wounds are torn open and new recognitions are trickling the hard gained petite self-confidence. As a shraddered sponge, there is a huge striving for the illusionistic wish for inner unity and stoic calm. Several time axes crossing the dreamer and tearing him apart from the mercy of the compression of the space-time-continuum. Sometimes emotions are like waves of magma, firing on your inner shelter, refilling it with mourning kissed by great anger.

And when the day sinks into darkness and the humming skull is placed to rest, thousands of lights flicker like fireworks and the paralyzed body falls into eternal patterns, fractals of inner feedback loops, creating itself by repeating over and over again. Nearly every night, a dream with messages, with tasks and oracles, which are took and given inmidst the rushing of the often dystopian dream scene.

If we want to understand the world better, we must start with us, as the Delphic imperative “Know Thyself!” reminds.

As recognition and senses are fallacious, it is necessary to dive into the inner-self and analyse, where those projections and behaviour-patterns come from. When we unmask ourselves, we will maybe find deep disappointment and want to overcome this by inpatient suppressing or forgetting. There a different forms of forgetting, ‘normal forgetting’ and Freud's: ‘Unpleasant-memories-that-one-is-only-too-happy-to-lose-forgetting’ and my favourite: ‘Forgetting-out-of-pride’:

“I have done this“, says my memory. „I can’t have done this“, says my pride and keeps being inexorable. Finally – the memory gives in. [Nietzsche]

This fight of pride and memory is one of the most tormenting struggles. But without repetition of traumatic or otherwise moving bad experience, we can not take the autonomy of this happening and its influence on our mental health. In my family environment and in most Oriental ‘pedagogy’ (authoritarian, strict and respect means fear), it is compared to a betrayal, when talking about events in the family with ‘strangers’ (long-term-partners included). So it feels like a double breakthrough, when dealing with psychology: The parental dogma of secrecy is enthroned, when the uncomfortable truth is expressed and the sharp and stringent separation of white and black is lifted, for a deeper and multifaceted individual reality of life. Every person, has its own ability to perceive their most adequate way for healing. In my point of view, finding the right form of therapy, is also connected with a good self-understanding. Nevertheless the risk of interminable or trauma-reinforcing therapy is not excluded, as every new gain of insight, can also unbalance the temporary soul arrangement. A worry of mine is, that medical diagnosis are too much labelling and creating a complex of victimhood and this can become a part of a person’s identity. But as we learn bad behaviour, we can also train to unlearn it again. Psychological methods should be part of the primary standard curriculum, not for making fun in analysing the other, but for comprehend the own motifs and intentions to retrace the forces of our action or passivity. In most schools, pupils learn about Freud and his Triebtheorie and the subconsciousness is banned as an archaic relict, with fatal consequences for our mental health. A therapy should help to face everyday problems better, to have no fears of difficulties and accept risks as possibilities to grow. If we dive into our self, we can trace our fears and unveil their roots, sometimes finding them sprouted decades ago, handed over as inherited trauma. The dream speaks to us, the pointe of the events is a message from our conscious. Contents of a complementary and compensatory nature, have the function to compensate for disturbances in mental balance. Dream’s language is extraordinary:

“[dream language] mediates between the form in which we consciously express ourselves and a more primitive, colourful, pictorial and concrete mode of expression, in short, a language that appeals more directly to feeling and emotions. Such language is necessary to bring certain truths out of their cultural state (where they are completely ineffective) and into a form in which they hit the nail on the head." [T 29]

If we want to analyse and understand the meanings of the symbols occurring in dreams, we have to be aware of the general anthropologic developments and the history of humankind. Symbol have undergone many transformations and even more or less conscious processes of refinement and in this way have become the représentations collectives of civilized society. They have largely retained their original numinosity and function in a negative and positive sense as prejudices with which the psychologist must seriously take into account. So we must understand the historical and epistemological impact of the way we see the world, as we are part of the creation and the creator of our percieved world. Also we should not underestimate the subconsciousness, the consciousness is rather easily subject to the unconscious influence of the collective psyche. Karl Jung and his psychological methods and researches are a comprehensive scientific work, showing how the individuals sight is part of the collective sight and how the world, and therefore us, just exists, because its opposites are balanced. It is not constructive to ban negative feelings into the subconscious, as they want to be recognized, they will enter the light as a symptom. More important is it, to be aware of the background of the occurrence and to find the measure for evaluation from a causal point of view.

“It is not important, that we don’t understand the dream at first place, it is more important, that the dream understands us.”

________________________________________________________ Since Juli 2023 I am reading for the most part, books of Jung, the examples and case studies, the historical evidences and alchemical comparisons, are also an exciting gain for general understanding. Next to my hand-written notes, I have a word-data of +30 pages and because of lacking time and energy capacity, I just want to share the first seven pages in German:

Begriff des Unbewussten Kurze Geschichte des Unbewussten; Philosophie des Unbewussten C. G. Carus: „Der Schlüssel zur Erkenntnis vom Wesen des bewussten Seelenlebens liegt in der Region des Unbewusstseins. “ Dies kann bei Carus das Göttliche bezeichnen, das menschlicher Erkenntnis grundsätzlich nicht zugänglich ist. (Aus „Psyche“)

E. v. Hartmann: Er gilt auch als „der Philosoph des Unbewussten- Werk „Philosophie des Unbewussten“ zwei verschiedene Denkweisen (Rationalismus und Irrationalismus zusammenzuführen, indem er die zentrale Rolle des Unbewussten betonte;

Einfluss auf Tiefenpsychologen Freud & Jung; R. Steiner + im schriftlichen Austausch. UNTERSCHIEDE IN BEGRIFFSBESTIMMUNG

Freud: Das Unterbewusste als Zustand verdrängter oder vergessener Inhalte, daher ausschließlich persönlicher Natur; Spätere Differenzierung durch Unterscheidung in Instinktpsyche „Es“ und teils bewusste u. unbewusst (verdrängte) Kollektivbewusstsein als „Über-Ich“ Unterteilung der Psyche in drei Bereiche: -Das Bewusstsein oder die Wahrnehmung nach außen und innen;

– das Vorbewusstsein oder die Erinnerungen, die nicht von selbst ins Bewusstsein gelangen, aber jederzeit ins Bewusstsein gerufen werden können;

– das Unbewusste oder all jene psychischen Inhalte, denen von der primären oder sekundären Verdrängung der Zugang zum Vorbewusstsein oder zum Bewusstsein verwehrt und nur durch die freie Assoziation und den Traum ermöglicht wird.

Die Energien dieser drei psychischen Bereiche des Menschen werden von den Trieben angefeuert und von der Instanz des Hüters kontrolliert. Beherrscht werden diese drei Bereiche von drei völlig verschiedenen Instanzen:

– Das „Es“, aus dem sich Ich und Überich bilden, ist jener irrationale, brodelnde Kessel, in dem Eros und Todestrieb sich bekämpfen.

– Das „Ich“ umfasst den Bereich der Wahrnehmung, des Vorbewussten und reicht bis ins Unbewusste, da der Großteil seiner Abwehrhandlungen unbewusst sei.

– Das „Über-Ich“ ist das Resultat der Auseinandersetzung von Es und Ich bei der Entwicklung des Kindes, wo bei der Überwindung des Ödipuskomplexes das Bild des gleichgeschlechtlichen Elternteils zum Idealbild erhoben wird, wodurch es dem anderen Teil des Ichs als Über-Ich erscheint.

Auf diesem Grundgerüst errichtete Freud sein großes Gebäude der Psychoanalyse, das durch die Beschreibung der Abwehrmechanismen, der Traumdeutung und der Gruppenpsychologie zur Grundlage einer breitgefächerten Lebens- und Gesellschaftsdeutung sowie vielfältigster Psychotherapieformen wurde und weltweite Resonanz erlangte, wenngleich in der Experimentalpsychologie die Kritik immer mehr zunahm.

Wesen des Menschen (nach Freud) Mensch ein Organismus ohne Seele, in dem bewusste und unbewusste Energien ihre Lebensdynamik gestalten. Aus diesem Grund ist für ihn Religion nichts anderes als eine Wunschprojektion und Moral eine Introjektion des Über-Ichs. Adler Spannungsfeld => Gefühl der Minderwertigkeit & Machtstreben als psychische Grunddynamik im Menschen Persönlichkeitsentfaltung => Überwindung des Minderwertigkeitsgefühls unter Einsatz des Machtstrebens (ohne Machtstreben keine Entfaltung) Entfaltung => Wohlgefühl in der Gemeinschaft, im Beruf und in der Liebe Sozialer Aspekt, geht individuellem Aspekt voran, heißt „der psychisch gesunde Mensch ist ein sozialer Mensch. Psychisch krank sind hingegen Herrscher und Drückeberger.“ Lebensentwurf => sub specie aeternitatis Frage nach Psyche im Sinne einer Seelensubstanz wird nicht gestellt; Adlers Ansatz eher in Sozialpsychologie einzureihen Analytische Psychologie nach Jung Vgl. Psychologie des Paradoxen oder als Psychologie des Tao. Jede These (Yin) zieht unweigerlich seine Antithese (Yang) mit sich und wird in der beides vereinigenden Synthese (Tao) zur Ganzheit transzendiert.

Das Selbst ist Zentrum und Umfang der Psyche, es ist Beginn, Grund, und Ende, Ziel des Individuationsprozesses.

Jeder Bewusstwerdungsprozess wie die Individuation, aber auch jede Wissenschaft, führt als dialektischer Prozess, als Vereinigung von Thesis und Antithesis in der Synthese auf einer höheren Ebene, zur Transzendenz, zum Selbst, zum Gottesbild.

Jung und das Bewusstsein Oberflächliche Schicht des Unbewussten sei zweifellos persönlich „das persönliche Unbewusste“ – Inhalt „Gefühlsbetonte Komplexe“ Tiefere Schicht ist sog. „kollektives Unbewusste“, kollektiv, da allgemeiner Natur + Psyche-Inhalte u. Verhaltensweisen „welche überall und in allen Individuen cum grano salis die gleichen sind. Es ist, mit anderen Worten, in allen Menschen sich selbst identisch und bildet damit eine in jedermann vorhandene, allgemeine seelische Grundlage überpersönlicher Natur.“ [A 7] – Inhalt „Archetypen“ >> Bewusstsein ähnl. „Kind des Unbewussten“ Das Bewusstsein, geht dem Unbewussten nicht voraus und ist nicht in der Lage dieses Unbewusste zu beherrschen oder gar vollständig zu ergründen; Das Bewusstsein unterliegt vielmehr leicht den unbewussten Einflüssen der Kollektivpsyche Seelische Existenz = Vorhandensein bewusstseinsfähigen Inhalts

Funktion oder Aktivität des Bewusstseins => Darstellung der Beziehung zwischen physischen Inhalten zum Ich > Vier angeborene Funktionen des Bewusstseins: Denken – Fühlen – Empfinden – Intuition

>> Funktionen im einzelnen Individuum nach Einstellungstypus; Extraversion/Introversion verschieden gewichtet: Intellektuell extravertiert – Intellektuell introvertiert

Affektiv extravertiert – Affektiv introvertiert

Sensitiv extravertiert – Sensitiv introvertiert

Intuitiv extravertiert – Intuitiv introvertiert

Von der gegebenen Typologie hängt die Art des allg. psychischen Verhaltens des Einzelnen zur Umwelt ab => Persona = Ausschnitt des Ichs, welches Verhältnis zu Objekten, zum Außen und einen Kompromiss zwischen Individuum und Sozietät bildet; Im antiken Theater bedeutete das Wort "Persona" die Maske, die von den Schauspielern getragen wurde; Adaptationssystem, anhand dem man mit der Welt kommuniziert; Jeder Beruf besitzt seine eigene "Persona", die charakteristisch ist; Gefahr besteht jedoch darin, dass man sich mit seiner Persona identifiziert.

Drei Faktoren der Persona > Ich-Ideal > Umwelt-Ideal (Bild der Umwelt vom Individuum) > Physisch-psychische Bedingtheiten (Grenzen der Verwirklichung des Ich- und Umwelt-Ideals)

Das Unbewusste

I. Persönliche Unbewusste Vergessenes, Verdrängtes, unterschwellig Wahrgenommenes, Gedachtes und Gefühltes aller Art II. Kollektive Unbewusste mit den genuinen Wesenszügen des Menschen ist die gewaltige geistige Erbmasse der Menschheitsentwicklung, wiedergeboren in jeder individuellen Struktur, und kann in folgende Zonen geschieden werden:

– Zone der Emotionen und primitiven Triebe (unter Umständen noch eine bestimmte Ich-Kontrolle möglich)

– Zone der Invasionen (Visionen, Halluzinationen, Neurosen und Psychosen sowie der schöpferischen Geister; elementar hervorbrechen, nie ganz bewusst zu machen sind und einen völlig autonomen Charakter haben)

– Zone des nie-Bewusst-zu-machenden, des kollektiven Unbewussten; zentrale Kraft, aus der sich einstens die Einzelpsychen ausgeschieden haben

Äußerungsformen des Unbewussten nur aufgrund seiner Wirkungen, wie sie in der Bewusstseinsebene sichtbar werden, feststellbar; Folgende Erscheinungsformen unterscheidbar:

– Symptome als Stauung eines gestörten Energieablaufs

– Komplexe als seelische Persönlichkeitsteile, psychische Inhalte, die sich vom Bewusstsein abgetrennt haben und autonom funktionieren (Dissoziation)

– Archetypen als angeborene Abbilder von instinktiven, d.h. psychisch notwendigen Reaktionen auf bestimmte Situationen

– Synchronizität als Prinzip akausaler Zusammenhänge >> Das psychische System befindet sich in dauernder energetischer Bewegung, aufgrund der Gegensatzstruktur der Psyche, wird diese von der Libido getragen >>> Libido => Gesamtheit psychischen Energie, die sämtliche Formen und Tätigkeiten des psychischen Systems durchpulst und miteinander verbindet

>>> Gegensatzstruktur ist ein der menschlichen Natur inhärentes Gesetz zur Selbstregulierung (Psyche als System der Selbstregulierung > Jede Selbstregulierung wird vom Gegensatz getragen)

Individuation Modell der Persönlichkeitsentwicklung bis zum Alter – die Begegnung mit der Gestalt des „Seelenbildes“ > anima beim Mann, animus bei Frau – komplementär-geschlechtlicher Anteil der Psyche;

– die Begegnung des Mannes mit dem Archetypus des Alten Weisen (Personifikation des geistigen Prinzips)

– die Begegnung der Frau mit der Magna Mater (Erdmutter, stofflicher Prinzip)

– die Begegnung mit dem Selbst als dem letzten Erfahrbaren in und von der Psyche

Das Selbst ist nämlich eine dem Bewusstsein übergeordnete Größe, die nicht nur den bewussten, sondern auch den unbewussten Psycheteil umfasst [!]

Individualpsyche ein Teil der Universalpsyche, der nach dem Tod in die Universalpsyche aufgeht. Sie ermöglicht die Allverbundenheit und die Individualität Religiöse Dimension des Menschen:

„Jegliche Aussage über das Transzendente soll streng vermieden werden, denn sie ist stets nur eine lächerliche Anmaßung des menschlichen Geistes, der seiner Beschränktheit unbewusst ist. Wenn daher Gott oder Tao eine Regung oder ein Zustand der Seele genannt wird, so ist damit nur über das Erkennbare etwas ausgesagt, nicht aber über das Unerkennbare, über welches schlechthin nichts ausgesagt werden kann.

Symboldeutung im Traum > Bei Freud werden gewisse manifeste Inhalte des Traumes zu „symbolisch“ und „uneigentlich“ gedeutet; Problem: Im Traum geht es bei der Symboldeutung, eher darum, was der Träumer assoziiert „Die ganze Traumschöpfung ist im Wesentlichen subjektiv, und der Traum ist jenes Theater, wo der Träumer Szene, Spieler, Souffleur, Regisseur, Autor, Publikum und Kritiker ist. Diese einfache Wahrheit ist die Grundlage jener Auffassung des Traumsinnes, die ich als Deutung auf Subjektstufe bezeichnet habe. Diese Deutung fasst, wie der Terminus sagt, alle Figuren des Traumes als personifizierte Züge des Träumers auf.“

„Die Träume scheinen es als ihre Hauptaufgabe zu betrachten, eine Art Erinnerung an die infantile sowohl als auch an die prähistorische Welt, bis hinunter auf die Ebene der primitivsten Instinkte, zurückzubringen, so als wäre eine solche Erinnerung, ein kostbarer Schatz. Übrigens können solche Erinnerungen, wie Freud selber vor langer vor langem erkannt hat, in gewissen Fällen eine bemerkenswerte Heilwirkung haben. Diese Beobachtung bestätigt die Ansicht, dass eine infantile Gedächtnislücke (eine sogenannte Amnesie) tatsächlich einen Verlust darstellt und die WIederherrstellung des Gedächtnisses einen gewissen Zuwachs an Leben und Wohlbefinden bedeutet! Doch indem wir das psychische Leben des Kindes nach der Dürftigkeit und Einfachheit seiner Bewusstseinsinhalte bemessen, lassen wir die weitreichenden Komplikationen den kindlichen Geistes außer acht, die auf seine ursprüngliche Identität mit der prähistorischen Psyche zurückgehen, welche im Kind genauso gegenwärtig und wirksam ist wie die Evolutionsstufen im embyronalen Körper.“ [T 82]

Bilder und Assoziationen > Bei Freud würden Bilder + Assoziationen, Analogien zu primitiven Ideen, Mythen und Riten aufweisen „archaische Überreste“ aufweisen Problem: Abwertung des Unbewussten zu einem bloßen Anhängsel des Bewusstseins oder drastischer „Mülleimer, in dem sich der ganze Abfall des Bewusstseins ansammelt, das heißt alles, was abgelegt, veraltet, wertlos, vergessen und verdrängt ist“ [T 29] > Freud: Traum als „Hüter des Schlafes“ > Jung: Lebenswichtiger Wert gerade wegen ihres „historischen“ Charakters Besondere Art der Sprache „die zwischen der Form, in der wir uns bewusst ausdrücken, und einer primitiveren, farbigeren, bildlicheren und konkretistischeren Ausdrucksweise vermittelt, kurz, eine Sprache, die unmittelbarer Gefühl und Emotionen anspricht. Solch eine Sprache ist nötig, um bestimmte Wahrheiten aus ihrem kulturellen Zustand (wo sie völlig wirkungslos sind) heraus und in eine Form zu bringen, in der sie den Nagel auf den Kopf treffen.“ [T 29] => Pointe des Traumes = Botschaften des Bewusstseins => Inhalte komplementärer + kompensatorischer Art = Störungen des geistigen Gleichgewichts auszugleichen Bsp.: Bewusstseinszustand von Selbstüberschätzung zeigt sich an Träumen von hohen, schwindelerregenden Orten „Je stärker das Bewusstsein von Vorurteilen, Irrtürmern, Phantasien und infantilen Wünschen beeinflusst wird, desto eher wird sich die bereits vorhandene Kluft in eine neurotische Dissoziation ausweiten und zu einem mehr oder weniger künstlichen Leben führen, das von gesunden Instinkten, Natur und Wahrheit weit entfernt ist. Die Träume versuchen das auszugleichen, indem sie die Verbindung zu der Instinktgrundlage dadurch wiederherstellen, dass sie Bilder und Emotionen, die den Zustand des Unbewussten ausdrücken, ins Bewusstsein bringen. Man kann den ursprünglichen Zustand durch rationales Geschwätz, das viel zu seicht und farblos ist, kaum je wiederherzustellen, aber die Sprache der Träume liefert uns genau die Bilder, die geeignet sind, auf die tieferen Schichten der Psyche zu wirken und diese ins Bewusstsein zu heben. Man könnte auch sagen, dass die Traumdeutung unser ärmliches Bewusstsein in solchem Maße bereichert, dass dieses die vergessene Sprache der Instinkte wiedererlernt.“ [T 32] „Träume bereiten auf bestimmte Situationen vor, kündigen sie an oder warnen vor ihnen, oft lange bevor sie wirkliche Tatsachen werden.“ [T 31] „Man kann es sich nicht leisten, im Umgang mit Träumen naiv zu sein. Sie gehen aus einem Geiste hervor, der nicht ganz menschlich ist, sondern eher ein Hauch der Natur ist, jener schönen und freigebigen, aber auch grausamen Göttin.“ [T 31]

„Die ganze Traumschöpfung ist im Wesentlichen subjektiv, und der Traum ist jenes Theater, wo der Träumer Szene, Spieler, Souffleur, Regisseur, Autor, Publikum und Kritiker ist. Diese einfache Wahrheit ist die Grundlage jener Auffassung des Traumsinnes, die ich als Deutung auf Subjektstufe bezeichnet habe. Diese Deutung fasst, wie der Terminus sagt, alle Figuren des Traumes als personifizierte Züge des Träumers auf.“ > Meisten Träume atypisch und individuell, daher viele Symbole auch, aber die wichtigsten Symbole sind kollektiven Ursprungs >> Zeichen ist immer weniger als die Sache, Symbol ist immer mehr, als wir auf den ersten Blick begreifen können

Die unüberbrückbare Kluft zwischen Freuds und Jungs Gedankenwelt und kulturellem Hintergrund > T 38; T 105 (Trieb- und Wunscherfüllungstheorie); T 109 (reduzierende Funktion des Unbewussten, da Traumdeutung sich im Wesentlichen auf verdrängte persönliche und infantil-sexuellen Untergründe des Individuums beschränkt „Die Sexual- und Wunschtheorie, ebenso die Machttheorie [Adler] sind schätzenswerte Gesichtspunkte, ohne jedoch der Tiefe und dem Reichtum der menschlichen Seele irgendwie gerecht werden zu können.“ [T 111] Psychologie des Traumes / Funktion von Traum und Schlaf Freud: Träume hätten eine kompensatorische Funktion, hinsichtlich der Erhaltung des Schlafes; Hüter des Schlafes; Jung: „Es sind gerade die Träume, die den Schlaf stören.“

GESCHICHTLICHES BEWUSSTSEIN & KOLLEKTIVPSYCHOLOGIE Historische Beispiele, Literatur, Geschichtlicher Hintergrund

Geschichte der Traumdeutung

Jahrtausendealte Bemühungen, dem Traum einen prophetischen Sinn anzudeuten

>> Tempel von Asklepios, Orakel, Schamanen und Medizinmann-Träume

Geschichte der sog. tiefenpsychologischen Betrachtung

Mit dieser Betrachtungsweise, kommt zur Betrachtung der Elemente, der Reaktionen, des Geistes und der Geschichte der völlig neue Aspekt des Unbewussten als ein weitgehend selbständiges Energiepotential hinzu. >> Vater dieser Denkform ist Theophrastus Bombastus von Hohenheim, genannt Paracelsus (1493/94-1541); Magnet als Bioenergie (wurde von Mesmer [1734] aufgegriffen) -> Heilung von Hysterikern vom „tierischen Magnetismus“ mündete in den Streit „Fluidum oder Suggestion“

1850 einsetzende spiritistische Bewegung mit versch. Formen des psychischen Automatismus; Gedanke einer anscheinend doppelten Kontrolle des menschlichen Verhaltens durch unbewussten und bewussten Geist

Frobenius (geb. 1904, nicht der Mathematiker, sondern Ethnograph + Autor von „Auf dem Wege nach Atlantis“; Nachwirkung auf viele afrikanische Länder), beschäftigte sich mit mythologischen Motiven und ihrer Aufstellung

„Jeder Fortschritt, jede Auffassungsleistung der Menschheit war mit dem Fortschritt der Selbstbestimmung verknüpft: Man hat sich vom Objekt unterschieden und trat der Natur als von ihr verschiedenes gegenüber.“ [T 126]

„Der Mensch ist erwacht in einer Welt, die er nicht versteht, und darum versucht er, sie zu deuten.“ [A 34]

„(…) dass jeder Mensch in gewissem Sinne die ganze Menschheit und ihre Geschichte repräsentiert. Und was in der Geschichte der Menschheit im Großen möglich war, ist im Kleinen auch in jedem Einzelnen möglich. Wessen die Menschheit bedurfte, bedarf gegebenenfalls auch der Einzelne.“ [T 102] Mythen + Symbole: „Manifestationen einer Psyche, die sich außer Reichweite unserer bewussten Kontrolle befindet. Eine zweckgerichtete Zielbewusstheit ist nicht etwa ein Vorrecht des Geistes, denn sie ist in der Gesamtheit der lebendigen Natur am Werke. Es gibt keinen grundsätzlichen Unterschied zwischen organischer und psychischer Gestaltung. So wie die Pflanze ihre Blüte hervorbringt, so erzeugt die Psyche ihre Symbole. Jeder Traum legt für diesen Vorgang Zeugnis ab.“ [T 47]

Vielfache Wieder-Erzählung von Mythos = Therapeutische Anamnese von Inhalten „die aus zunächst unersichtlichen Gründen auf längere Zeit nicht verlorengehen dürfen“ [A 168]

Tägliche Anpassung an Realität der Dinge = Einbüßung des Primitiven Denkens „Aura von Assoziationen“ umgibt Gegenstände

Welt der Primitiven ≠ Dingliche Welt „Der Mensch begreift selten mit dem Kopf allein, und am wenigsten, wenn er ein Primitiver ist. Der Mythos hat vermöge seiner Numinosität direkte Wirkung aufs Unbewusste, gleichgültig ob er bewusst verstanden wurde oder nicht. Die Tatsache, dass dessen Wiedererzählung nicht längst obsolet geworden ist, glaube ich mit der Zweckmäßigkeit erklären zu dürfen.“ Erklärung -> Gegensätzliche Tendenzen am Werke, einerseits aus früherem Zustand heraus kommen und andererseits diesen nicht zu vergessen (= bewussthalten) Vgl. Paul Rodin [A 170ff]

Keine scharfen Abgrenzungen ≠ Keine psychische Identität oder „participation mystique“

Fringe of Consciousness [William James] ≠ Misstrauen gg Dinge unterhalb der Bewusstseinsschwelle Phantasien, Visionen, Prophezeiungen

Fetische, Geister, Götter ≠ Pathologische Störung, Regelwidrig „Ein Theologe hat mir einmal seine Überzeugung gestanden, dass die Visionen Ezechiel krankhafte Symptome seien und dass Moses und die anderen Propheten beim Hören von Stimmen an Halluzinationen gelitten hätten. Natürlich geriet er in Panik, als spontane Ereignisse dieser Art ihm selber passierten. Wir sind an die rationale Oberfläche unserer Welt so gewöhnt, dass wir uns nicht vorstellen können, dass innerhalb der Grenzen des gesunden Menschenverstandes sich etwas Regelwidriges zutragen könnte. Wenn unsere Psyche einmal etwas gänzlich unerwartetes tut, sind wir schockiert und denken an eine pathologische Störung, während der primitive Mensch an Fetische, Geister oder Götter denken, aber niemals seinen gesunden Verstand anzweifeln würde.

Analogien zu Lehren, die die jungen Menschen in primitiven Volskstämmen erhalten, bevor sie ins Erwachsenenalter eintreten >> représentations collectives <<

Religion: Theorie, erstes religiöses Gefühl durch Elternbild

Eltern

„Das ist die Mutter, die Form, in die alles Erlebte gefasst wird. Ihr gegenüber repräsentiert der Vater die Dynamik des Archetypus, denn dieser ist beides, Form und Energie.“ > Mutter Trägerin jenes uns eingeborenen Bilder der mater natura und mater spiritualis; Gesamtumfang des Lebens >> Weiblichkeit Vater >> Männlichkeit

„Man idealisiert, wo eine Furcht gebannt werden soll. Das Gefürchtete ist das Unbewusste und dessen magischer Einfluss.“ [A 102]

SYMBOLE UND IHRE DEUTUNG IM WANDEL Früher die Kirche verantwortlich für cura animarum (Seelsorge) heute Wissenschaft, daher werden die Fragen, an Psychiater gestellt [T 70] „Zwar hat unser Intellekt eine neue Welt erschaffen, die über die Natur herrscht und sie mit monströsen Maschinen bevölkert. Diese sind zweifellos so nützlich und uns derart unentbehrlich geworden, dass wir keinerlei Möglichkeit sehen, sie wieder loszuwerden oder uns gegenüber zu befreien. Der Mensch kann nicht anders, als die Ausbeutungen seines wissenschaftlichen und erfinderischen Geistes weiter zu betreiben und sich selber wegen seiner glänzenden Leistungen zu bewundern, selbst wenn er langsam zugeben muss, dass sein Genie eine unheimliche Neigung zeigt, Dinge zu erfinden, die immer gefährlicher werden, weil sie immer wirksamere Mittel zum Massenselbstmord darstellen. In Anbetracht der sich rasch vergrößernden Lawine der Weltbevölkerung sucht man bereits, nach Mitteln und Wegen, um die steigende Flut einzudämmen. Doch die Natur könnte allen unseren Versuchen zuvorkommen, indem sie sich den schöpferischen Geist des Menschen, dessen Eingebungen er folgen muss, zunutze macht, und durch die Auslösung der Wasserstoffbombe oder einer ähnlich unheilvollen Erfindung der Überbevölkerung ein Ende setzt. Trotz unserer stolzen Herrschaft über die Natur sind wir immer noch wie eh und je ihre Opfer und haben noch nicht einmal gelernt, unsere eigenen Natur in den Griff zu bekommen, die langsam, aber unausweichlich der Katastrophe entgegensteuert. Es gibt keine Götter mehr, die wir um Hilfe anrufen könnten, und die großen Religionen leider überall auf der Welt an einer zunehmenden Anämie, weil ihre hilfreichen Numina sich aus den Wäldern, Flüssen, Bergen, und Lebewesen geflüchtet haben und die Gottmenschen in den Untergrund verschwunden sind, das heißt ins Unbewusste, wo sie vermutlich unter den Überresten unserer Vergangenheit ein schmähliches Dasein fristen, beherrscht von der großen Déesse Raison, die unsere überwältigende Illusion ist. Mit ihrer Hilfe vollbringen wir löbliche Taten: Zum Beispiel befreien wir die Welt von Malaria, wir verbreiten die Hygiene überallhin, mit dem Resultat, dass unterentwickelte Bevölkerungen in einem Maße zunehmen, dass daraus Ernährungsprobleme erwachsen. „Wir haben die Natur besiegt“ ist ein bloßes Schlagwort.“ [T 84] > [Ewige Wahrheiten] Natürliche Symbole ≠ kulturelle Symbole [archetypische Bilder, gewaltige Anzahl individueller Motivvarianten, können bis zu den représentations collectives verfolgt werden

„Diese Symbole haben viele Wandlungen durchgemacht und sogar mehr oder minder bewusste Verfeinerungsprozesse und sind auf diese Weise die représentations collectives der zivilisierten Gesellschaft geworden. Sie haben größtenteils ihre ursprüngliche Numinosität bewahrt und fungieren im negativen und postiven Sinne als „Vorurteile“, mit denen der Psychologe ernsthaft zu rechnen hat.“ Verlust des Numinosen „Wir hätten am Beispiel primitiver Gesellschaften seit langem ersehen können, was der Verlust des Numinosen bedeutet: sie verlieren ihre raison d’être, den Sinn ihres Lebens, ihre Gesellschaftsordnung, und dann lösen sie sich auf und verfallen. Wir befinden und jetzt in der gleichen Lage. Wir haben etwas verloren, was wir niemals richtig verstanden haben. Man kann unseren „Seelenführern“ nicht den Vorwurf ersparen, dass sie mehr daran interessiert gewesen sind, ihre Organisation zu schützen, als das Mysterium zu begreifen, das der Mensch in seinen Symbolen darstellt. Der Glaube schließt das Denken nicht aus, in dem die gewaltige Stärke des Menschen liegt. Unser Glaube fürchtet die Wissenschaft und nebenbei auch die Psychologie, und er wendet den Blick der Grundtatsache des Numinosen ab, das die Geschicke des Menschen immerdar lenkt.“ [T 77] > „Unsere Psyche ist durch einen Mangel an moralischen und spirituellen Werten zutiefst gestört. Sie leidet an Desorientiertheit, Verwirrung und Angst, weil sie ihre herrschenden idées forces verloren hat, die bislang unser Leben in Ordnung gehalten hatten.“ [T 78]

Problem bei Wortdeutungen, wenn Numinosität nicht erfahren wurden „ Der bloße Gebrauch von Worten ist futil, wenn man nicht weiß, wofür sie stehen. Dies gilt insbesondere für die Psychologie, wo von archetypischen Gestalten, wie der Anima und dem Animus, dem Alten Weisen, der Großen Mutter und so weiter die Rede ist. Man kann all die Heiligen, Weisen, Propheten und andere Männer Gottes und alle großen Mütter der Welt kennen, wenn sie jedoch bloße Bilder bleiben, deren Numinosität man niemals erfahren hat, so ist es , als rede man im Traum, denn man weiß nicht, wovon man redet. Die Wörter, die man verwendet, sind leer und wertlos. Sie werden erst dann zu Sinn und Leben erweckt, wenn man ihre Numinosität zu erfahren versucht, das heißt ihre Beziehungen zum lebendigen Individuum. Erst dann beginnt man zu begreifen, dass ihre Namen allein sehr wenig bedeuten, dass aber die Art und Weise, wie sie auf einen bezogen sind, von entscheidender Wichtigkeit ist.“ [T 81] Zeitalter der „Deklaration des Dogmas“ – Enthronung des Geistes und unüberlegte Vergötterung der Materie „Wie die gewaltige Entwicklung der Naturwissenschaften zunächst zu einer vorschnellen Entthronung der Materie führte, so ist es der gleiche wissenschaftliche Erkenntnisdrang, der heute sich anschickt, die ungeheure Kluft, die sich zwischen den beiden Weltanschauungen aufgetan hat, zu überbrücken.“ [A 104] „An sich sind Geist wie Materie neutral oder besser >>utriusque capax<<, das heißt fähig zu dem, was der Mensch gut oder böse nennt. Obschon dies Bezeichnungen von höchst relativer Natur sind, liegen ihnen doch wirkliche Gegensätze zugrunde, welche zur energetischen Struktur der physischen sowohl wie der psychischen Natur gehören, ohne die es kein feststellbares Sein gibt. Es gibt keine Position ohne ihre Negation. Trotz oder gerade wegen des extremen Gegensatzes kann das eine nicht ohne das andere sein. Es ist schon so, wie die klassische chinesische Philosophie es formuliert: yan ( das helle, warme, trockene und männliche Prinzip) enthält in sich den Keim des yin (des dunklen, kalten, feuchten, und weiblichen Prinzipis) et vice versa. In der Materie wäre daher der Keim des Geistes und im Geiste der Keim der Materie zu entdecken.“ [A 105] „Nie sollte er vergessen, dass die Welt darum besteht, weil sich ihre Gegensätze die Waage halten. So ist auch das Rationale durch das Irrationale, und das Bezweckte durch das Gegebene aufgewogen.“ [A 92] „Die Psyche ist ferne davon, eine Einheit zu sein, im Gegenteil ist sie ein brodelndes Gemisch widerstreitender Impulse, Hemmungen und Affekte (…)“ [A 101]

Probleme der (vermeintlichen Zivilisation) > Verlust der Symbolbedeutung = Verlust des geschichtlichen Bewusstseins = Entwurzelung (Kindsarchetypus) >> Vergessen + Verdrängen > Fehlende Konfrontation mit dem Schatten = Gestörtes Sexualleben = Impotenz (Mutterarchetypus, fehlende Figur des Narren)

ALCHEMIE

„Was die Natur unvollendet gelassen hat, vollendet die Kunst“

> Zosimos (Ende des 3. Jahrhunderts) auch unter Rosinus, Rosinus, Rubinus bekannt … griechich-egyptischer Alchemist und gnostischer Mystiker … ist der älteste Autor der Alchemie, der einer historischen Person zugeordnet werden kann. Ältere Texte sind aber bekannt (wie der Pseudo-Demokrit oder legendären Figuren wie Hermes Trismegistos und Maria die Jüdin zugeschriebene Schriften), welche Zosimos auch zitiert … Werke ursprünglich in Griechisch verfasst, darunter Lehrbriefe an seine „Schwester im Geiste“ (sorror mystica) … Alchemie als Geheimlehre von Priestern dargestellt, diese waren oft sog. „Weise“ oder „Philosophen“, denn gegenseitige Erklärung soll verständlicher machen nach dem Leitfaden: „ein Buch öffnet das andere.“ … Ideen beeinflusst vom Hermetismus und christlichen Gnosis, Hinweise zum Corpus Hermeticum und Parallelen zu gnostischen Texten von Nag Hammadi … Beschäftigung mit dem Hinaufgehen „Zosimusvisionen“

Jungs Traum von der verborgenen Bibliothek, die viele alchimistische Werke erhält

Alchemie bereitete im Geheimen die Gegensatzvereinigung vor Definitionen, Vokabeln, Fachtermini Vier Funktionstypen entsprechen den Mitteln, mit deren Hilfe das Bewusstsein sich offenbar orientiert (vereinfacht): > Empfindungen (Sinneswahrnehmungen) > Denken (rationale Funktion, wie Fühlen!) > Fühlen > Intuition

Archetypen (nicht zu verwechseln mit „archetypischen Vorstellungen“)

Inhalt des kollektiven Unterbewussten; Begriff Archetypus kommt bei Philo Iudaeus (1561) mit Bezug auf imago Dei im Menschen vor, Vgl.: Irenaeus; „Corpus Hermeticum“ wird Gott to archetypon phos gennant; Mehrfachnennung bei Dionysius Areopagita; Bei Augustinus kommt der Ausdruck nicht vor, dafür Idee „Ideen, (…) die selbst nicht geformt sind (…) die enthalten sind im göttlichen Wissen.“ Ähnlich wird „archetypus“ bei den Alchemisten gebraucht, wie „Tractus aureus“ des Hermes Trismegistus „wie Gott alle Schätze seiner Gottheit (…) in sich wie in einem Archetypus verbirgt (…) so trägt in gleicher Weise Saturn heimlich das Abbild metallischer Körper in sich umschlossen.“ ; Bei Vigenerus ist die Welt „nach dem Bilde seines Archetypus geschaffen“ und wird darum „magnus homo“ oder „homo maximus“ bei Swedenborg, genannt

★ „In deiner Brust sind deines Schicksals Sterne.“ (Seni zu Wallenstein) >>> RELIGION Lebendigkeit des religiösen Empfindens und das Auffrischen durch exotische Glaubensobjekte, da vorher Verarmung der Symbolik „Unverbrauchtes Mana“ + „Zauber der frischen Fremdartigkeit (östlicher Symbole in Bezug auf Europäer)“ [A 11ff] „Primitive Lehren“ in höherem Maße in herrschenden Weltregionen enthalten „Sie enthalten ursprünglich geheimes Offenbarungswissen und haben die Geheimnisse der Seele in herrlichen Bildern ausgedrückt (…) Je schöner, ja großartiger, je umfassender das gewordene und übermittelte Bild ist, desto weiter ist es der individuellen Erfahrung entrückt. Wir können es nur noch einfühlen und anempfinden, aber ihre Urerfahrung ist verloren.“

Anima & Animus

M.A. „jeder Mann sein Weib in sich trägt.“ [Dominicus Gnosius]

„Alles Wirkende beruht auf Gegensatz. Um dies zu erkennen, bedarf es des diskriminierenden Menschenverstandes, der alles in antinomische Urteile auflöst“

„Setzt er sich mit der Anima auseinander, so gibt ihm die chaotische Willkür Anlass, geheime Ordnung zu ahnen, das heißt über ihr Wesen hinaus Anlage, Sinn und Absicht (…) zu postulieren.“ [A 43]

Arbeit mit der Anima: Bewusstheit (auch Akzeptanz) des gegensätzlichen Geschlechts

Unvermeidliche Integration des Schattens auf der Stufe der Anima (d.h. Stufe der Beziehung): Im kollektiv-historischen wie im individuellen Fall -> Entwicklung des Bwusstseins, welches sich „allmählich aus der Gefangenschaft in der agnoia (Unbewusstheit) befreit

= Auseinandersetzung mit Schatten beeinflusst Beziehung zur Anima, zu inneren und äußeren Begebenheiten aufs nachhaltigste „denn die Integration des Schattens bewirkt eine Persönlichkeitsänderung“ [A 174]

Mutterarchetypus Unabsehbare Menge von Aspekte, einige typische Formen: Persönliche Mutter und Großmutter, Amme, Ahnfrau, Göttin, Jungfrau (Verjüngte Mutter Kore und Demeter); Sophia (Typus Kabele-Attis), Ziel der Erlösungssehnsucht (Paradies, Himmel, Reich Gottes), Meer und stehendes Gewässer, Unterwelt und Mond (als Geburts- und Zeugungsstätte) usw. Mütterliche „magische Autorität des Weiblichen“; Fruchtbarkeits- und Nahrungsspendende „Es ist nicht bloß die persönliche Mutter, von der alle jene in der Literatur geschilderten Wirkungen auf die kindliche Psyche ausgehen, sondern, es ist vielmehr der auf die Mutter projizierte Archetypus, welcher dieser einen mythologischen Hintergrund gibt und ihr damit Autorität, ja Numinosität verleiht; Daher „Die ätiologischen respektive traumatischen Wirkungen der Mutter müssen in zwei Gruppen geschieden werden: I) Wirklich vorhandene Charaktereigenschaften der persönlichen Mutter II) Scheinbare Charaktereigenschaften, indem es sich um Projektionen phantastischer Art von seitens des Kindes handelt Vgl. Freud erkannte, wirkliche Neurosenätiologie in eigentümlichen Entwicklung der infantilen Phantasien, weniger in traumatischen Erlebnissen Mutterkomplex (Mutterarchetypus bildet Grundlage) => Verschiedene Mutterkomplexe, da Mutterbild je nach Geschlecht sich anders ausprägt + psychologischen Aspekte Instinktsphäre des Kindes gestört = Konstellierung von Archetypen = Fremdes und oft angsterregendes Element zwischen Mutter und Kind „Nach meiner Erfahrung scheint es mir, als ob die Mutter stets, das heißt insbesondere bei infantilen Neurosen oder bei solchen, die unzweifelhaft ätiologisch in die frühe Kindheit zurückreichen, aktiv bei der Verursachung der Störung dabei sei.“ [A 83]

Männlich / Ausprägung des Sohnes > Typische Wirkungen: Homosexualität, Don Juanismus (Suche nach der Mutter „in jedem Weibe“), Impotenz ( + Einfluss Vaterkomplex) Dargestellt durch Ideologie Kybele-Attis-Typus: Selbstkastration, Wahnsinn und früher Tod

„Beim Sohn ist der Mutterkomplex insofern nicht rein, als eine Ungleichheit des Geschlechts vorliegt- Diese Verschiedenheit ist der Grund, warum in jedem Männlichen Mutterkomplex neben dem Mutterarchetypus der des sexuellen Partners, nämlich der Anima, eine bedeutende Rolle spielt.“

Weiblich / Ausprägung der Tochter > Oft Hypertrophie des Weiblichen oder komplette Auslöschung

a) Hypertrophie des Mütterlichen Verstärkung aller weiblichen Instinkte, bsd. Mutterinstinkt; Mann ist wesentlich Zeugungsinstrument „und rangiert als zu betreuendes Objekt unter Kindern, armen Verwandten (…)“; Eigene Persönlichkeit unwesentlich; Eros nur als mütterliche Beziehung entwickelt, als persönlicher Eros unbewusst -> „Ein unbewusster Eros äußert sich immer als Macht; weshalb dieser Typus bei aller offenkundigen mütterlichen Selbstaufopferung doch gar kein wirkliches Opfer zu bringen imstande ist, sondern seinen Mutterinstinkt mit oft rücksichtlosem Machtwillen bis zur Vernichtung der Eigenpersönlichkeit und des Eigenlebens der Kinder durchdrückt. Je unbewusster ihrer eigenen Persönlichkeit eine solche Mutter ist, desto größer und gewalttätiger ist ihr unbewusster Machtwille.“ [A 86]; Verstand wird nicht gepflegt, bleibt „naturhaft ursprünglich, unbezogen und ruchlos“ gelegentlich wahr und „tief wie die Natur“ (natural mind)

b) Übersteigerung des Eros Ersatz für ausgeschlöschten Mutterinstinkt ein übersteigerter Eros; Unbewusstes Inzestverhältnis mit dem Vater; Liebe für schwärmerische und sensationelle Beziehungen um ihrer selbst willen; Interesse an verheirateten Männer (oft träger Typus, Animaprojektion), Hauptzweck: Ehe stören; Zweck erreicht, sinkt das Interesse aufgrund fehlendem Mutterinstinkt; Bemerkenswerte Unbewusstheit für Tun und Treiben [A 86f] c) Identität mit der Mutter Projektion der eigenen Persönlichkeit auf Mutter; Maske der vollkommenen Loyalität, Ergebenheit-> Wandelt sich zur Kontrolle über die Mutter; Trotz Schattendasein und innerer Leehrheit, begehrt „Vor allem sind sie dermaßen leer, dass ein Mann schlechterdings alles in ihnen vermuten kann“, denn weibliche Unbestimmtheit als Gegenstück zur männlichen Bestimmtheit und Eindeutigkeit d) Abwehr gegen die Mutter Weder eine Steigung noch Lähmung der weiblichen Instinkte, mehr oder weniger eine Abwehr gegen die Übermacht der Mutter; Einerseits Faszination, die nicht für Identifikation wird, andererseits Steigerung des Eros, ohne eifersüchtigen Widerstand gegen die Mutter; Da Instinkte eine Abwehr gegen Mutter bilden, selbst ungeschickt sich ein Leben aufzubauen; Mit Verstandesentwicklung = Hervortreten männlicher Eigentümlichkeiten „Aus Abwehr gegen die Mutter ergibt sich gelegentlich eine spontane Entwicklung des Verstandes zum Zwecke der Herstellung einer Sphäre, in der die Mutter nicht vorkommt. Diese Entwicklung erfolgt aus eigenen Bedürfnissen und nicht etwa zu Ehren eines Mannes, dem man imponieren oder geistige Kameradschaft vorspiegeln möchte. Sie soll dazu dienen, die Macht der Mutter durch intellektuelle Kritik und überlegenes Wissen zu brechen oder um ihr alle Dummheiten, logischen Fehler und Bildungslücken vorrechnen zu können.“;

Die Psychologischen Aspekte des Mutterarchetypus [A 75 – 107]

Mutterarchetypus und sein Einfluss auf andere Figuren:

puer aeternus

Korefigur: Dreifacher Aspekt > Mädchen, Mutter und Hekate Bewusstsein präexistenter Psyche (zB Kind) hat Anteil an mütterlicher Psyche, reicht aber auch in die Psyche der Tochter hinein [A 142] „(…) dass jede Mutter ihre Tochter, und jede Tochter ihre Mutter enhalte; jede Frau aber nach rückwärts in die Mutter und nach vorwärts in die Tochter sich erweitere. Aus dieser Partizipation und Vermischung entsteht jene Unsicherheit in Bezug auf den Zeitmoment: Als Mutter lebt man früher, als Tochter später. Durch das bewusste Erleben dieser Verbindungen entsteht ein Gefühl der Ausdehnung des Lebens über Generationen: ein erster Schritt zu der unmittelbaren Erfahrung und Gewissheit der Enthebung der Zeit, was ein Gefühl der Unsterblichkeit bedeutet. Das Einzelleben wird erhöht zum Typus, ja zum Archetypus weiblichen Schicksals überhaupt. Damit findet eine Apokatastasis der Ahnenleben statt, die, vermittels der Brücke des gegenwärtigen Einzelmenschen sich in die zukünftigen Generationen verlängern.“ [A 143] >> Beim Mann: Anima; Vgl. Urania >> Bei Frau: Typus der übergeordneten Persönlichkeit; Vgl. Erdmutter Erdmutter: Immer unterirdisch, gelegentlich Beziehung zum Mond, Blut- und Kinderopfer, Geziert mit Mondsichel; Erdmutter-Moment: Alle Erscheinungen als machtvoll charakterisiert, Hinweis auf Stärkung im Unterbewusstsein Demetermythus: Rolle des Mannes als Entführer + Vergewaltiger; Rolle der Mutter als Patronin der Tochter (Mutterkomplex) - Demeter und Hykate entsprechenden Figuren sind überlegene, auch überlebensgroße Muttergestalten (Typus Pieta bis Baubo „Torso-Vagina-Gesicht“) >> Kathartische und zugleich erneuernde Wirkungen vom Demeterkult auf weibliche Hygiene >>> Heilsamenen Erlebnisse der eleusinischen Emotionen, in gegenwärtiger Kultur, leider nicht mehr bekannt Li

Symbole (Bestmöglicher Ausdruck für einen erst geahnten, aber noch unerkannten, unbewussten Inhalt- Dagegen Allegorie als eine Paraphrasierung eines bewussten Inhalts

>> „Bearbeitung des Symbols“ -> Urerlebnis in eine ihm verständliche Form zu bringen Beisielhafte Visionen: Niklaus von Flüe, Schweizerischer Mystiker u. Einsiedler Trickterarchetypus

Vitalität des im Mythos geschilderten Bewusstseinsinhaltes = Psychologema „archetypische psychische Struktur höchsten Alters“ [A 164] „archaische Eigenschaften in der Regel um so konservativer und hartnäckiger sich gebärden, je älter sie sind

Kollektive Schattenfigur + Summierung aller individuellen inferioren Charaktereigenschaften

Ein „kosmisches Urwesen“ göttlich-tierischer Natur >> Einerseits überlegen vermöge übermenschlicher Eigenschaften, andererseits unterlegen vermöge seiner Unvernunft und Unbewusstheit „Auch dem Tiere ist er nicht gewachsen, wegen seiner bemerkenswerten Instinktlosigkeit und Ungeschicktheit. Diese Defekte kennzeichnen seine menschliche Natur, welche den Umweltbedingungen schlechter angepasst ist als ein Tier, dafür aber die Antwartschaft auf eine viel höhere Bewusstseinsentwicklung, d.h. eine beträchtliche Lernbegierigkeit besitzt, welche auch durch den Mythos gebührend hervorgehoben wird.“ [A 168]

Auf dem Gebiete der empirischen Psychologie „personifizierte Widerspiegelung“

>> doule personnalité (Persönlichkeitsspaltung: „Diese Dissoziationen haben die Eigentümlichkeit, dass die abgespaltene Persönlichkeit in einem komplementären oder kompensatorischen Verhältnis steht. Sie ist eine Personifikation von Charaktereigenschaften, bisweilen von schlechterer und bisweilen von besserer Art, als die Ichpersönlichkeit aufweist.“ [A 165]

Geschichtliche Aspekte

In allen Orten und Zeiten „In scherzhaften Erzählungen, in karnevaleskem Übermut, in Heil- und Zauberriten, in religiösen Ängsten und Erleuchtungen geistert dieses Phantasma des Tricksters in bald unmissverständlichen, bald schattenhaften Gestalten durch die Mythologie aller Orte und Zeiten (…) Ist sie doch in ihren deutlichsten Ausprägungen ein getreues Abbild eines noch in jeder Hinsicht undifferenzierten menschlichen Bewusstseins, welches einer der tierischen Ebene noch kaum entwachsenen Psyche entspricht. Kausal und historisch betrachtet, lässt sich diese Herkunft der Trickstergestalt wohl kaum bestreiten. [A 164]

Europäische Analogie des Karnevals in der MA-Kirche als Umkehrung der hierarchischen Ordnung > Vgl Gegensätzlichkeit auch in der Beziehung des Teufels als simia Dei ("A diabolo, qui est simia dei" ~ "From the devil, who is the ape of God"); folkloristische Charakterisierung des geprellten + dummen Teufels oder Gestalten des Dummlings „Hanswurst“ >> Merkwürdige Vereinigung (Teufel + Narr) in der alchimistischen Figur des Mercurius Verwandlungsfähigkeit, tierisch-göttliche Doppelnatur auch im Kindsarchetypus (Vgl Poltergeist + Berichte über tierische Formen) >>> Vereinigung Gottkind + Narr in der „Erlöserfigur“ ANNÄHERUNG AN DEN HEILBRINGER

Leiden des Tricksters = Charakter des Schamanen / Medizinmannes Universale Verbreitung koindiziert mit Schamanismus (spirituistische Phänomenologie) „In Betätigung der mythischen Wahrheit, dass der Verwundete und Verwundende heilt und der Leidende das Leid behebt.“

Vgl. AT -> Züge Jahwes „Unverhersagbarkeit, der zwecklosen Zerstörungssucht und dem selbstverursachten Leiden des Tricksters mit der gleichen allmählich sich geltend machenden Entwicklung zum Heilbringer, mit gleichzeitiger Vermenschlichung. Gerade diese Umkehrung ins Sinnreiche zeigt die kompensatorische Beziehung des Tricksters zum >>Heiligen<< , welche bei uns in Erinnerung der antiken Saturnalien schon im frühen Mittelalter zu sonderbaren kirchlichen Gebräuchen führte.“ [A 160] >> tripudia (Tänze) der Priester; Am dies innocentium (28. Dezember „Tag der unschuldigen Kinder) wurde ein episcorum puerorum gewählt, mit dem Pontifikalgewändern ausgestattet, offizieller Besuch im erzbischöflichen Palast + Segensprechung vom Fenster; siehe auch tripudium hypodiaconorum; Ende des 12. Jhds. ersteres, zum festum stultorum (Narrenfest) ausgeartet >>> Schreiben der Pariser Theologischen Fakultät (circa 1444) an alle französische Bischöfe gegen diese Feste, an denen „selbst die Priester und Kleriker eine Erzbischof oder Bischof oder Papst (!) wählten und ihn als Fatuorum Papam (Narrenpapst)“ etc. bezeichneten Unmittelbare Vorlage zu kirchlichen Bräuchen in dem Feste Cervula oder Cervulus (Neujahrsfeier); Austausch von stranae (Neujahrsgeschenke) im Januar; Verkleidung oft als alte Weiber oder Tiere; Straßenzüge mit Gesang >>> Festum Asinorum (Eselfest) „Erinnerung an Flucht nach Ägypten“, hauptsächlich gefeiert in Frankreich; Eselsprozession + Gleichsetzung Jesus mit Esel (Siehe Spottcruzifixus in kaiserlichen Kadettenschule auf dem Palatin „Alexamenos-Grafitto“) Vgl. Du Cange Esel-Hymnus: Orientis partibus Aventavit Asinus, Pulcher et fortissimus, Sarcinis aptissimus […]

Die Tricksterfigur wurde bis zum beginnenden 16. Jhds. aus dem Brauchtum der Kirche immer mehr verboten > Konzilbeschlüsse von 1581 – 1585 Verbot vom festum puerorum und die Wahl eines episcopus puerorum (Kinderbischof) „Diese mitteralterlichen Bräuche demonstrieren die Rolle der Tricksterfigur ad oculos, und als sie aus dem kirchlichen Bereich verschwanden, erschienen sie auf der profanen italienischen Komödiantenbühne als jene komischen Typen, welche, häufig als ithyphallisch gekennzeichnet, das nicht gerade prüde Publikum mit den unzweideutigsten Scherzen in gargantueskem Stil amüsierten. Der Stichel Jacques Callots hat diese klassischen Figuren für die Nachwelt festgehalten: Die Pulcinellas, Cucorognas, Chico Sgarras und wie sie alle hießen.“ [A 164] (Jung bezieht sich hier auf die Serie >>balli di Sfessania<< - Name beziehe sich auf etrurische Stadt Fescennia, Vgl. Horaz „Fescennina licentia“, Fescenninus = phallisch)

Tricktermythos > Grund für Konservierung und Weiterentwicklung: Psychotherapeutische Wirkung (sowie alle Mythen): „Er hält den früheren intellektuellen und moralischen Tiefstand dem höher entwickelten Individuum unter die Augen, damit er nicht vergesse, wie das Gestern aussah.“ [A 171] Vgl. Paul Radin: Zivilisationsprozess fängt im Tricksterzyklus an „Überwindung des ursprünglichen Zustandes“

Heilbringer „Nur aus der Verlorenheit im >>Heillosen<< kann sich die Sehnsucht nach dem Heilbringer erheben, das heißt die Erkenntnis und die unvermeidliche Integration des Schattens erzeugen eine dermaßen bedrängte Situation, dass gewissermaßen nur noch ein übernatürlicher Heilbringer den verworrenen Schicksalsknäuel lösen kann.“ [A 175] Kinderarchetypus - Kindheitsmotiv repräsentiert vorbewusste Kindheitsaspekte der Kollektivseele > Wiederholung des mystischen Geschehens „Religiöse Übung“ >> Mit Zweck, uns das Kindheitsbild (+ alles was damit zusammenhängt) „dem Bewusstsein vor Augen zu führen“, so dass der Zusammenhang zur ursprünglichen Bedeutung nicht abreiße >>> Trennung tritt ein, wenn Deo concendente vergessen ist + Dissoziationen aufgrund von Inkompatibilitäten: „ Man hat sich vielleicht gewaltsam von seinem ursrpünglichen Charakter getrennt zugunsten einer willkürlichen, der Ambitionen entsprechenden Persona. Man ist damit unkindlich und künstlich geworden und hat so seine Wurzeln verloren.“ [A 117] >>>> Zivilisierter Mensch + „Dynamik des Willens“: Mit zunehmender Ausbildung des Willens „größere Verirrung ins Einseitige und die Abschweifung ins Gesetz- und Wurzellose.“ Wundererfüllung > Mensch < Promethische Schuld - Apriorisches Vorhandensein der Ganzheitspotenzialität >> Kind bereitet eine zukünftige Wandlung der Persönlichkeit vor, kommt oft „in Bewusstsein“, wenn schwierige Lebenssituation uns „zurücksinnen lässt“: „Er antizipiert im Individuationsprozess jene Gestalt, die aus der Synthese der bewussten und unbewussten Persönlichkeitselemente hervorgeht. Es ist daher ein die Gegensätze vereinigendes Symbol, ein Mediator, ein Heilsbringer, d.h. Ganzmacher (…) Zu Formwandlungen fähig.“ >> Einheit und Vielheit des Kindsmotivs „Gestaltwandel der Götter“ [nach Ziegler]

Literatur

>Levy-Bruhl „Le Fonctions dans les sociétés inférieures” 1912 Berührungspunkte mit Jung: Traum sei eine spontane Selbstdarstellung der aktuellen Lage des Unbewussten in symbolischer Ausdrucksform > Silberers Arbeiten zur „Symbolbildung“ in Jahrbuch für psychoanalytische und psychopathologische Forschungen 3“ Berührungspunkte mit Jung und Adler: Sexualsprache der Träume keineswegs immer in konkretistischer Weise zu verstehen sei [T: 115] > Maeder “Über das Traumproblem“ 1913 (Beispiel an Freud)

>Eliade “Schmanismus und archaische Ekstasetechnik” 1957 Kompensatorische Beziehungen zwischen dem Bewusstsein und den abgespaltenen Komplexen > Jung „Über die Psychologie der Dementia praecox“ 1906 > Flournoy „Automatisme téléologique antisuicide“ 1908

Prospektiv-finale Bedeutung des Traumes, im Sinne einer zweckmäßigen unbewussten Funktion, welche die Lösung aktuelller Konflikte und Probleme vorbereiten übt und durch tastend gewählte Symbole darzustellen sucht > Maeder „Sur le mouvement psychoanalytique“ 1912 Kryptomnesie > Flournoy „Des Indes à la planéte Mars“ 1900 Telepathie > Rhine „New Frontiers of the Mind“ 1937

Mutterkomplex beim Manne als Gefährte der chthonischen Mutter – Weltschöpferisches nous selber „Omne superius sicut inferius“ (~ Alles, was oben ist, ist gleich dem, was unten) > Ruska „Tabula Smaragdina“ 1926

„Psychologisch betrachtet könnte man behaupten, dass die Geschichte der menschlichen Kultur weitgehend die Versuche des Menschen darstellt, seine Wandlung vom Tier zum Menschen, zu vergessen.“ „Diese hartnäckige Weigerung, zu vergessen, ist kein Zufall.“ [A 172] > Radin „Gott und Mensch in der primitiven Welt“ 1953

Allegorie von linker und rechter Seite des Weges; Fluss der Weisheit und der Fleiß zur Linken > Frankfurter Arzt und Alchemist Gerardus Donrues „Mundi peregrinatio, quam erroris viam appellamus“ ~ 16. Jhd. [A 148]

Zahlensymbolik, Numerlogie, Kabbala > Agrippa „De occulta philosophia“ 1533 > Franck „Die Kabbala“ 1944 > Knorr von Rosenroth „Kabbala denudata“ 1677/84 > Allendy „Le Symbolisme des nombres“ 1948

#Jung #Carl Jung #analytical psychology #psychotherapy #pschology #psychology of dreams #jungian archetypes #jungian psychology #collective consciousness #therapy by reading #reading #books and literature #psychological books #healing

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explosionofdisbelief · 1 year

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today i woke up and opened instagram, like i usually do, and the first post on my feed was from the Anti-Racism Daily (@/ardtakeaction) account posting about a nightclub shooting at a queer club. in my own city. it was a shocking way to learn about the news because for one, i never think of my city as being that noteworthy to end up on national outlets, and two it was a huge gut punch of a reminder that my little bubble is very far removed from the daily realities of life in my city.

i may have a skewed perception since i've lived in colorado most of my life, but it seems that we've had more than our fair share of mass shootings. first columbine, then the movie theatre shooting in aurora, and now this one. last night's shooting hits closest to home in more ways than one. literally, since it's a short drive from where i live. and also because it was a very targeted attack against the queer community.

i have never been to the club where the attack happened, but that doesn't matter. it was a safe space for queer people, one of few, in a city that is full of conservative evangelical spaces. at one point, this city held the headquarters of over 500 religious organizations. i don't know if that's true anymore, but that is a staggering number. it's also something that, living here day-to-day, is easy to forget. it's normal to see churches on every corner and get asked at a fast food drive-thru if you have a relationship with jesus (yeah, that happened to me once). for someone who's not religious, it's a bit of a trip sometimes.

i have to admit, i forget what colorado springs looks like to outsiders. and i get frustrated that the media's portrayal of this city is a one-note story of conservative evangelicalism and extremism. even the post where i found out the news about the shooting. because yeah, while colorado turned blue when obama became president and elected the first openly gay governor, colorado springs has always been red. and i understand that is what everyone sees from the outside. but i want to give you another angle. because that's not all that this city is.

i decided after hearing the news this morning i needed to get out and not just sit around and stew in my feelings. i was upset, and i knew just sitting and scrolling wouldn't be good for me. i live downtown, which is a bit of a liberal/queer oasis in this city, and if you only know colorado springs from what you hear on the news, you would never think this was the same place.

almost all the shops downtown are locally owned and many of them, including my favorite coffee shop, have pride flags hanging in their windows all year long. (this photo is from earlier this year, but there are still flags everywhere.) i went there today, and spent about an hour reading, which is something i do often. i saw many visibly queer people come in and out, as usual. but today i was more aware of them. most people probably wouldn't guess i'm queer just by looking at me (especially here), but i do feel a kinship with queer people i see out in the wild, even if it's just one-sided.

there is a queer club downtown as well (which i went to many moons ago before i knew i was queer myself), a burlesque club that hosts drag shows, a theatre that (before the pandemic) regularly hosted interactive showings of rocky horror, and a huge park that hosts the pride festival every summer. there is probably more, but i am very much an indoor girl so i don't know half of what goes on.

after i left the coffee shop i visited the tattered cover, one of my favorite bookstores, to pick up some books i had ordered. on my way in i almost ran into a very large, intimidating looking white man. he startled me (not hard to do), but then i saw his shirt. it was a pair of hands making a heart shape with a rainbow heart inside. i almost burst into tears right in the middle of the store 🥲 (i'm very emotional today, i can't help it). it felt more meaningful today than it would other days. i don't now if he was queer or not, but it didn't matter. the fact that he made the choice to wear that shirt today, in public, was a statement of support. a loud one.

after i picked up my books, i left right away to avoid any temptation of buying more 👀 (i have a problem)

but i want to mention one of my favorite things about this tattered cover location: in their romance section, they have a special subsection for lgbtq+ romance 🥰 they know their audience and make it easy for us to find the books we want! the first time i saw it, it made me feel so welcome. it's such a small thing to do, but makes such a difference to customers like me.

on my way home, i always people-watch. i put in my earbuds so i don't have to talk to anyone. today i was listening to a queer romance, because i needed something happy. i've been on a bit of a horror kick lately, and while i love it, today was not really the day for that

i crossed paths with a queer couple on the sidewalk. two women, holding hands and laughing, cuddling close together because it's cold today and neither of them had on a coat. i couldn't help but smile because they were so absorbed in each other. and of course, i almost started crying again (i really am a mess today, guys).

because even when the worst thing happens right in our own city, when we are targeted just for daring to be who we are, queer people still aren't afraid to be loud and proud.

i know a lot of the news you see today will focus on the hatred and the evangelicals and the maga crowd and the reason this tragedy happened in the first place. and that is important. because this didn't come out of nowhere. but i just wanted to offer a few little humanizing moments of my city to remind everyone that we are more than just that. this city is more than the hate-filled people that put us on the news, even if we are in the minority. we're still here.

#colorado springs #club q #queer stuff #long post

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isekaimaiden · 2 years

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I've always liked reading into things. Lately, I've been in a rut. Today, October 23, 2022, I will read into my profile in tumbler.

NICKNAME

I have just changed my nickname from minsushi to isekaimaiden. Minsushi was just something that sounded cute and tasty and so I made it my name a few years back. Now, my name is isekaimaiden, after the manhwa and manga genre I've liked the most.

Isekai - a Japanese genre of portal fantasy and science fiction. Why am I drawn to this? Perhaps it's because of my unsatisfied need for escaping reality and having certainty - knowing what will happen next. Security. Future security. Makes sense considering I like getting spoiled about movie/book endings etcetera. Is it because things in my life has always been uncertain? Has it always been uncertain? I feel like at some point, I knew where I was going - like I had a path to follow. Where has that path been? Since when have I strayed?

PROFILE

Has it always been a cube on a box? Is this photo a default? Was I able to choose from a multitude of choices and believed this four colored, resting cube describes me most?

According to umich.edu,

"The cube is a three-dimensional SQUARE; it is a symbol of stability and permanence, of geometric perfection. It represents the final stage of a cycle of immobility, it can be seen as the truth, because it looks the same from any perspective, it is commonly thought of as the counterpart of the sphere."

My interpretation of that is that I strive for such things - stability, permanence, perfection. This must be true considering I think of myself as a perfectionist. Some perfectionist I am, when I'm not even able to finish things. The me now is far from it. Additionally, my need for certainty somehow fits well here.

THEME

Purple shades, according to nixsensor.com,

"The color purple is often associated with royalty, nobility, luxury, power, and ambition. Purple also represents meanings of wealth, extravagance, creativity, wisdom, dignity, grandeur, devotion, peace, pride, mystery, independence, and magic."

Yeah, checks out the previous two. Not much on the first few descriptions but more on the mystery, pride, and magic. I find so much fascination among these things.

This part here is an open letter to my future self in hopes that I find this post again.

Things now aren't too good. You are affected too much by emotion yet it is also your source of hope. Right now, everything is falling apart. Well, not everything, but most things you care about.

Last year, you failed 5 subjects. Your main reason was that your trauma has resurfaced. This year, you are regretting not doing well.

At the start of October, your 5-year long-distance relationship showed signs of ending. Your partner refuses to tell you until you meet in person in December. Your heart aches each time the thought crosses your mind. You have cried for four days. I am assuming you will cry more towards December and even after that. Your partner seems to like going with the flow - like a cloud. You knew this, even from before. Now, things are unclear.

These two might seem like a small portion of everything else that's been happening in your life but as an emotional person, these has the most impact.

There are happy times too. You just started being a creator on a game app, here's to hoping you decide to push through. You also decide to make money online and start a self care routine. Not much luck but hey, we're still at the starting line.

Here goes the advice I'd like to give you. Keep going. Keep falling and standing back up. Never stop moving forward. Pause and rest, if need be, but DON'T ever stop. You'll be out of this hellhole soon. Please, even if everyone else gives up on you, don't give up on yourself.

I'll stop here for now. I'll be rooting for you.

With love,

2022 isekaimaiden

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pheosaysthings · 2 months

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I kinda wanted to get down the concept of an idea I had that I need to change around drastically. I wanted to record it as was first however so I know what to buold off of and what I liked and didn't. The writing isnt good, but thats ok cause this isnt about the writing.

Our family began in the forest. Born of the trees that once towered high above the forest floor. Though we were not where one expected. No, we were trapped below on the waters surface. Mearly a reflection in the calm waters of life. Bound to move and think the same as our human counterparts on the other side. Our world was small compared to theirs, but we did not relise that. We thought we were the ones with a life and could feel the wonders of the whole wide world and that those on the otherside were the ones locked to that of a reflection.

One day, one of us was born with an ambition none of us had had before. To connect to the other side. Her human seemed to have the same idea. Both working together to become powerful and brave mages in their versions of reality.

Magic was new to most of us. The few times we had ever witnessed it where how we were humans in our reflections and how we are born from the stumps of trees. Some might have considered the ripples magic. Though others considered it the same as any other weather event. So her bringing light out of nothing or teleporting from one puddle to another boggled the minds of many.

She eventually did the unthinkable. She called all the townsfolk into the main circled woods and placed herself under the paper trees. Hands on her hips and a look of pride across her face as she hopped onto a tree stump in the middle.

"Today, will be my last," she had yelled to us all as her human counterpart said something in a strange langauge on the otherside.

Her family and I watched her with worry on our faces while the rest seemd to emote with concern, intrigue, or annoyance at her. Though she moved on dispite out reactions.

She took a deep breath and swung her arms into the air. "Today I go beyond the reflection and leave a new life within my wake. Today, I must leave you all to explore my dreams. I wanted you all here to say good bye." Her expression was slanted and melancholy as no one reacted. I could only guess this was her attempt to see if anyone would care if she was gone.

Hearing that... seeing her, I felt a slight tinge of guilt. I always admired her as a person as I watched her grow up. She was always active in our classes and ambitious in her research. Though I had never built up the courage to talk to her. Her confidence scared me. I could never figure out why. Maybe if I had talked to her more she wouldn't have felt that way. It was no matter now however, the past was done and all we could do was watch her go about showing off her greatest works or greatest embarrassment.

She cut her speech short among the quiet and began to whisper. Putting her hands loosely together in the air before sliding one down the other. I had not expected the spell to be a dance, but she began to drag her feet across the ground and started to spin as she folded up her arms. With a step forward she extended one out to the crowd as she continues to dance. Light forlong around her feet and body with each and every move.

To this day, I couldnt figure out what came over me but staring right at her open hand pointed right at me filled with horrible dread and fear. Not of what was happening, but of not being up there with her. It grew deeper and deeper the more she was consumed by the glow and the fainter she became. I struggled to breath as my chest pounded with anxity.

Eventully during her dance her hand reached out in my direction once more and I snapped. Before I could even process what I was doing, I was already jumping onto the stump and grabbing her hand. I did my best to pull myself towards her. The world around me faded into the light of her spell. There was nothing anymore but the feeling of her hand in mine. I held it tight not wanting to let her go.

Soon my eyes adjusted and she came into view looking furious at me. I was promptly slapped across thr face as we stood on the tree stump. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT. YOU RUINED MY SPELL. I ONLY HAD ONE CHANCE TO DO IT! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THIS MEANT TO ME?" she yelled loudly as I stood there lost and shaking. I tried to quiver out a responce but my throat wouldnt open.

My reply did not matter however as someone from the audiance yelled something I couldnt quite catch. We both looked to the crowed to see who yelled. Maybe Id have a better chance of understanding what they said if I looked their way. Somedays, I wish I didnt.

According to her, I immediately fainted and she had to scoop me up into her arms as she looked upon a crowd of humans with eyes wider then a fish. She had succeeded on her one way trip and I had gone with her.

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bottombarrelofsociety · 1 year

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Been a fuck up since 94.

I don’t know what happened to me over the last 5 years, but I’ve changed and not in a good way. I wear a mask to hide my emotions with the person I love, when all they wanted was for me to open up, show compassion, and make her feel like I’m here. And I’ve done the complete opposite and I’ve made her feel less wanted and terrible. The things I’ve said and done no person should have to go through or hear, and for that I’m so terribly sorry and I know I can never take any of it back or even apologize because nothing will take the hurt from her. She should never forgive me for everything I’ve done and said. If I could go back in time and change every terrible thing I’ve put her through I would.

I’ve said extremely terrible things that I never thought I would say and I cannot take them back and now I’m full of regret, mistakes, heart break, loneliness, and I hate myself so muuuuuch for not being able to give her everything she wanted and that was love. I thought I was trying, but unfortunately in reality and her eyes I wasn’t. I’ve never been good enough for her and I am definitely not what she deserves. She put up with me for longer than she should have and continued to show me love even when I wasn’t.

I have failed miserably, and I won’t ever get a chance to fix that. I’ve left her broken, sad, and ashamed. In all actuality she should be ashamed of being with someone like me for as long as she has. She showed me what love and caring from a woman was but I’m so stubborn and couldn’t put my pride aside to actually take it all in and do the same for her.

For the next person to love her please be gentle with her heart and soul. I dragged her through hell and back multiple times and broke her down, when I should have been the one to build her up. She deserves a love she doesn’t have to question when she wakes up or falls asleep at night. She deserves to never feel like she isn’t wanted and deserves true happiness. She knows what rock bottom is and she should never have to feel this way again. I pray she finds happiness and the love she truly deserves because she deserves the world and the universe.

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always-andromeda · 1 year

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just some thoughts that I've been having as of late; or, reflections on self doubt and inadequacy.

(tw: brief mentions of emotional abuse)

I had a conversation with a friend recently where we briefly talked about the assortments of abuse that we've both faced in our lives. One particular instance was emotional abuse that we faced at the hands of the same person. It's one of those bittersweet things that we share; having our self esteems broken down and obliterated by someone so selfish and so cruel. At one point she stared at me with wide, glossy eyes and unblinkingly said, "I've only just started to find my personality again."

And something about that interaction was...eye opening. It sent me on this spiraling thought process over my own personality.

Naturally, as a neurodivergent person, I've always been prone to those periods of self observation where I approach myself like a wounded animal, trying to trace where the blood was coming from. And normally these periods don't rattle me much; I'm always willing to learn and grow as a person and I like to think that my self awareness can be a strength of mine.

But this time, I found myself focusing on the thing that I always get complimented on. My kindness. My ability to be a friend. My warmth. Now, don't get me wrong, the fact that some people see me as a safe person to be around and talk to is something that I take pride in. But it's become this double edged sword in a sense.

Because so many of those behaviors, whether I like it or not, come from a place of being abused. They come from places where I made myself into the most pleasant and perfect version that I possibly could be. Because people like you when you're easy. People like you when you don't seem to have any defects. And if you do have defects, they like the ones that give you fun little quirks that they can take advantage of.

People like when you're just a little wind up doll that they can pull out of their back pocket whenever they need. They twist that key and there you go! You tell jokes and give lectures and spit out whatever thing you can possibly think of to help. Because that's your purpose in their eyes. To be a thing they can pick up and put down at their own convenience. To be a toy.

And for an uncomfortably long amount of time, I was alright with that. Sure, it was suffocating and stressful and it drained every bit of me. But I told myself that it was worth it. Like a trained dog, I kept doing my little tricks in hope that I would be rewarded. The reward?

To be honest...I couldn't even really tell you what the reward truly was. Because it certainly wasn't genuine love or relationships. It was a pat on the head. A simple but satisfied, "Good girl." And the half promise that maybe another day I'd get to feel that little touch again. Because at least they'll touch you, right? Who else would give you more than that?

But, truth told, in just the past year alone, I've gotten ten times more than that. Somehow, some way, I managed to start finding people who liked me when I wasn't doing my silly tricks. Hell, they could even love me and miss me. And sometimes that scares the hell out of me. Not only because there's comfort in old mindsets–even if they're harmful–but because I still get those pangs of anxiety.

Like this is all just a trick I haven't learned yet. Like when you fake out a dog by pretending to throw a ball and instead hide it behind your back. In the back of my mind, I wait for the day that I will find myself in that position. Tilting my head, staring back, wondering what I'm missing before I realize once again: Oh, yeah...why did I think I deserved anything more?

And, goodness gracious, is that a nerve-racking way to live. But I also can realize that it's a terribly upsetting thing to those who do care for me. Because when I assess my current reality, nothing tells me that that's the case. Nothing but my own self doubts and my insistence on patterns.

I think I'm ready to break from those patterns. I think it's time to give that sad, old dog in me a hug and a nice place to rest. I think now that part of being a good friend is also being able to truly take care of myself. Because no matter what my brain tries telling me, there are people who love me and want to see me well. And for them–for me–I must try. I must try to return the love and loyalty and kindness that I have for others to myself. I have to try.

#medarants✨#lmao here i am at four in the morning #contemplating my life #as one does #normally i'd keep these thoughts to myself #but sometimes when i post these things i get folks who tell me that it's helpful?#so here's to hoping that maybe this can do that again #lol i love you all and thank you if you read my musings <3 #now off to fall back asleep to stardew valley gameplay

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lovely-ateez · 3 years

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Broken Strings~

ꕥPosted: 7/20/21

ꕥGenre: Fluff, Angst, Smut, College!au, Rockstar!au

ꕥPairing: Fem!Reader x Rockstar!Yunho

ꕥWord Count: 10k+

ꕥWarnings (please read all!!): Yunho’s ex is an absolute asshat, death threats towards both Yunho and reader, mention of knives used as weapons, San is a bisexual king (happy late pride month), unprotected pool sex/public sex (no one is around but I guess it still counts), masturbation (f), foul language, mentions of alcohol intake, reader is mentioned to have dark brown eyes several times which you can just ignore if you have different colored eyes ofc, mentions of a restraining order against an ex, please let me know if I missed something!!

ꕥTag List: @cappujinho @bobateastay @nevieatiny

ꕥA/N: The song lyrics are ones that I wrote myself specifically for this au and I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t nervous about posting it. I know there isn’t any tune or anything, but hopefully it sounds like a real song someone might sing. Also I’m not writing angst for a while after this holy shit I’ve been crying too much over this I’m emotional okay

“Date night! Date night! Date night!” I grabbed my boyfriend’s arm, bouncing on my toes.

Yunho raised a hand to cover his ear, scrunching his face, “Babe, I love you, but I think you’ve deafened me.”

I pouted at his tone and crossed my arms, “You’re such a grump.”

“Oh whatever.” He smiled, “You ready?”

I smiled at him and nodded.

Ever since his band, Sidekick Heart, began to pick up traction, he had less free time and our full-day dates once a week soon became date nights every few weeks. Most of his time was spent writing songs, producing them, and practicing endlessly. The fact that he had a tour coming up soon just meant he had even less spare time. I was happy for him, of course, but I couldn’t hide my disappointment that he was leaving.

In middle school, he and three of his friends formed a band for fun, which they kept with all throughout high school. They got good, really good and almost right after they graduated they were signed by a label. Now, three years later, they’d already released two albums and one EP and earned enough money to make a living, which was why Yunho dropped out of college a month ago. Since he had steady career path, he saw no reason to continue and decided to focus on music. He still visited me at college whenever he got the chance, but his visits were becoming more and more sporadic.

We started dating freshman year of college. We had our difficulties as most couples do, but everyday I thanked the stars for pairing us together. I met him on the first day of French class, a day I know I could never forget, no matter how how our future played out.

I sat my backpack on the table in front of me, looking around the empty classroom. I was ten minutes early, so I wasn’t surprised about the lack of students. It was a bit unlikely for me to be so early, but I wasn’t able to sleep the night before and so I had extra time to get ready. With nothing else to do, I took out my phone, reading some missed text messages.

I heard the door open and my head tilted upwards, meeting eyes with a fluffy-haired brunet. He shyly smiled at me and I returned the gesture. The man took a seat in the front row across from me, only a few chairs in between us. I found it cute that he liked to sit in the front of the classroom, too. Very few people did. He turned away from me to place his backpack on the floor and take out a few books. I took the opportunity to look at him. He was attractive, for sure. His short sleeved solid black shirt followed his movements, tattoos peaking through his top. The shirt itself tucked was into ripped jeans, his black shoes matching the outfit, along with various accoutrements. His look was uncommon for college students, most just wore sweatpants with with a casual shirt. I thanked myself for dressing nice that day.

I tilted my head to get a better look at his side profile. He was so handsome that I seemed to forget I was staring. I couldn’t help but get caught up in him, not realizing that I was no longer being subtle.

He spoke without moving to face me, “You’re pretty cute, too.”

“I-I what?” My eyes widened, realizing I’d been caught.

He turned, a charming smile on his face, “You aren’t exactly discreet.”

I took a breath, trying to form a coherent sentence, “Well...can you blame me?”

He pursed his lips, trying to hide a smile, “I appreciate the compliment. What’s your name?”

I hesitated before answering him, which brought a full smile to his face. He moved closer to me before holding out his hand for me to shake. I grabbed his hand and shook it, trying to keep my hands steady. His hand was soft, clearly he took care of himself.

“I’m Yunho.”

I smiled, observing the way he lit up as he turned my hand, placing a delicate kiss on my skin. I felt my face heat up and averted my eyes. Yunho chuckled as he released my hand. Both of us looked up at the sound of the door opening, a group of students entered, followed by a lady who I presumed to be the teacher.

Yunho looked at me, “Meet me after class?”

I nodded, biting my lip as I felt excitement build in my stomach, wanting nothing more than for class to end as soon as possible.

The instant the teacher ended her lecture she left with the rest of the students, who were talking among themselves. My eyes flickered to Yunho to find him looking back at me, his backpack now thrown over his shoulders.

“You have any classes after this?” He asked in a nonchalant manner. Later he confessed to me that he was far more nervous than he appeared, claiming that he fell in love with me at first sight.

I finished placing my notebook in my bag, zipping it up and putting the straps over my arms, “Yeah, unfortunately. I’ve got World Politics in ten minutes.”

“Aww damn. I was hoping we could grab some food.” He reached into his pants’ pocket, pulling out his phone, “Maybe I could get your number instead and we could meet up later?” He wasn’t pushy or demanding, simply asking.

I nodded quickly, “I’d like that, Yunho.”

He suddenly became more shy, the tips of his ears dusting a beautiful shade of pink, “I like the way you say my name.”

I giggled, trying to hide my own shyness. I took his phone and entered my number, really hoping that he would text me. As if he read my mind, he confirmed what I was thinking.

“I’ll text you,” He looked at me with sparkling eyes before shaking his head, like he was pulled back to reality, “Oh uh...you should probably get to class.“ He raised a hand, somewhat awkwardly scratching the back of his head.

“Yeah I probably should. I’ll see you around?”

He smiled, “I’ll see ya.”

It wasn’t long before he texted me, and it made my heart flutter that he kept his word. A day later we met up, grabbing ice cream and getting to know each other. He was a dance major and had to practically beg his parents to let him pursue dance. In return they said he had to repay them with getting straight A’s. He had one younger brother who was possibly the biggest baseball fan to ever exist, he roomed with three men he’d been friends with since kindergarten, and he absolutely adored my brown eyes.

“They’re just beautiful.” Yunho gushed, “Both times I’ve seen you they just sparkle and shine like they’ve got their own little galaxies in them. I’ve never seen anyone with such genuine, kind eyes.”

I let out a girly laugh at the compliment and covered my mouth with a hand, “You’re really trying to flatter me, aren’t you?”

“Depends. Is it working?” He laughed as he propped his head on one of his hands, leaning closer to me in the booth we were sitting in. We’d finished our ice cream long ago, now shamelessly flirting and getting lost in each other.

“It might be.”

“Well I do mean it. I’m not only trying to flatter you.”

The ringing of his phone caught our attention. He smiled apologetically and reached for the device. He sighed, reading the contact name and looking back up at me.

“I’m sorry I’ve gotta take this. It’s one of my roommates and it’s entirely possible they’ve set the house on fire.”

I laughed, “It’s okay, go ahead.”

Yunho excused himself as he answered the call, walking outside. I took a look around the shop we were in, smiling at all the decorations when I noticed a woman sitting alone, eating ice cream and staring at me. Her eyes were such an ice blue that they made her intimidating, to say the least. I wasn’t too surprised, I’d dressed nice and all throughout the day I’d been getting looks. Taking it as a compliment I smiled at her and waited for Yunho to return.

“So good news,” He started as he sat back down in the booth, running a hand through his hair, which was way more attractive than it should’ve been, “They haven’t burnt down the apartment, but San—he’s one of my roommates—his car ran out of gas a few miles away from here so I’ve gotta go help him. Can I drive you back to your own apartment first?”

“Oh no, I don’t want to worry you.” I waved a hand, “I can have a friend pick me up.”

He nodded, “If you’re more comfortable with that, sure, but I’d rather drive you home, if that’s okay.”

I nodded, walking with him as he guided me out to his car. We had our first kiss when he dropped me off, leaving me with the promise of another date, and he delivered. Time and time again he proved he truly cared about me, which inevitably led to a relationship.

We heard a loud crashing in the basement of the house and Yunho let out a frustrated groan, “Oh god it’s happening again.”

He walked over to the basement door, opening it and sighing at the loud yells emitting from below.

“What is it this time?” Yunho shouted.

Wooyoung’s voice rung out, “San won’t let me use the controller!”

The man in front of me placed a hand over his eyes, over the situation entirely, “You’re still fighting over that game?”

“Crash Bandicoot waits for no man!”

“San let him have the controller or I’ll come down there and I’ll beat both of your asses!” Yunho shut the door, giving me a tired smile and walking back to me, “You’d think we would’ve outgrown this stage by now. I’d fire them both and hire a new bassist and drummer if I could.”

“Okay that’s an absolute lie, and you say that like you’re any better. I saw you arguing with Seonghwa over the last bag of chips yesterday.”

He pointed a finger at me, not trying to hide the smile on his face, “Okay that was absolutely valid. I bought those and they were mine.”

I smirked. “My point still stands.”

He rolled his eyes playfully, changing the subject, “How about after our date I sing you a couple of our new songs?” He leaned closer, his lips barely grazing my ear, “I wrote a few about you.”

I pulled back from him, feeling warmth spread in my chest. “Really? You did?”

Yunho wrapped an arm around my waist, “How could I not? You’re always my inspiration.”

I let out a string of incoherent gibberish which prompted the most adorable eye smiles from my boyfriend. I felt too honored to put my emotions into words.

“Go on.” Yunho motioned to the front door, “Grab your purse and head out to my car. I’ll let the guys know we’re going and I’ll meet you outside.”

I gave him a salute, “You got it cap’n!”

His eyes warmed, “God, I love you.”

“I know!” I teased before I grabbed my purse and skipped out of the house. The sun would be setting soon and I admired the several hues that were painted within the sky. I sat on the hood of his car, swinging my feet as I saw him walk out of the house.

“So where exactly are we going?” I tilted my head, looking forward to his response.

“Well I’ve got a couple ideas.” He held up his long fingers and counted off on them, “We could go bowling, or we could have a late night picnic, or maybe...” He moved closer, placing his hands on either side of me with a mischievous grin, “We could go swimming.”

My face lit up, “I haven’t been swimming in forever!”

“I know, that’s why I recommended it.” He laughed, “Let’s break into the swimming pool downtown. It’s definitely closed by now so we can be alone.”

I raised my brows at his words, a smile widening on my face, “Don’t we need to bring swimsuits, though?”

Yunho grinned at me and moved a hand to ruffle my hair, “Nope. We’re going without ‘em.” He lifted me off his car, “Hop in, babe.”

We approached the fence with our hands interlocked, a new message greeting us. A red and black sign with the words ‘No Trespassing’ was attached haphazardly to one of the metal wires looped through the fence surrounding the pool.

Yunho tsked, “Aw that’s cute. Like that’s gonna keep us out. This is basically our pool anyways.”

I laughed, both of us knowing full well there was no method of security beyond the sign and fence. The pool had never installed security cameras and after word spread that the owner had a fear of advancing technology, we had no worry of being caught.

He cupped his hands, holding them out for me to step on. I placed my foot on his hands as he lifted me up, helping me scale the fence. I stepped back, feeling a thrill as Yunho jumped over. It was probably the fourth or fifth time we’d done this, but each time was just as exciting. We walked over to the edge of the pool, its light blue water and the dark blue of the sunset opposing one another but making a beautiful visual.

“Alright, off we go.” Yunho’s fingers danced to the hem of my shirt, then pulling it off and ridding me of the layer of clothing. He pressed several kisses to the exposed skin, making me shiver.

Yunho then pulled back from me, slowly removing his shirt and giving me a teasing look when he caught me staring at his abs, “I look good, don’t I?”

“Shut up,” I laughed, lightly slapping his strong, tattooed arm before removing my skirt, enjoying the way my boyfriend’s eyes devoured me. I returned the action when I saw him remove his jeans, something he was clearly enjoying as well.

I turned back to the pool only to be thrown over Yunho’s shoulders. He let out a string of laughs as I struggled to get down, fearing that he would throw me into the water.

“If you throw me into the pool I’ll kill you!” I laughed, squirming on his shoulders.

“No...I would never do something like that.” I wasn’t even facing him, but I could hear the smile in his voice, which was my only indication that he was about to throw me into pool.

Before I could try to make any sort of escape, he tossed me into the water. It was cold, but less cold than I expected it to be. I coughed up a bit of water as I resurfaced and when I opened my eyes I squinted at Yunho, annoyed at how attractive he looked with the evil smirk on his face.

“You’re a jerk.” I said with no venom behind my words.

“Yeah, yeah. Brace yourself I’m coming in.”

I barely had time to move before he jumped in, his legs tucked to his chest. “Cannonball!”

I moved my hands in front of my face to block the wave of water coming my way, not feeling any surprise about my boyfriend’s childish behavior. When he resurfaced he faced me with a smile, wading towards me, embracing me in his arms, and wrapping my legs around his waist. He was so tall that he could reach the bottom of the pool without having to swim, unlike me, where I was no near reaching the bottom and needed to swim in place. With a satisfied hum he pressed several wet kisses to my neck.

“I love you,” he mumbled, his voice muffled by my skin.

“I love you too, babe.” I hesitated before I said my next words, still overwhelmed at how strong my feelings were for him, “You’re the love of my life.”

He pulled back with a bright smile on his face, his eyes shining almost as if he was tearing up, “I knew you were the love of my life the moment I saw you. And you’re all mine.” Yunho said before he placed a delicate kiss to my lips.

“All yours, babe.”

His long fingers danced along my sides, grabbing at my hips as he began to attack my chest with kisses. I giggled as the feeling of his stubble tickled my skin.

“You know, you really ‘oughta shave before you get a full beard.”

“Why? Are you saying I wouldn’t look good with one?”

I cupped his face, “You’d look amazing with one, but I thought you didn’t like beards, babe?”

“Hate ‘em.” Yunho’s laugh echoed around us, “Really weird that men can grow them in the first place. But anyways...”

His hands made quick work of my bra, letting it sink to the bottom of the pool. I opened my mouth to scold him but before I could his mouth latched to my right nipple, sucking and nipping on it in a way that made my hands seek out his hair and tug harshly at his locks. Letting out a growl, Yunho placed one hand on the the pool wall for balance and the other on my back, drawing abstract shapes there.

Yunho moved to my other nipple, giving it the same treatment and smiling when he heard my moans. In a flash he removed his hand from my back and pressed me against the pool wall, his hand now traveling to my panties.

As he removed the final item of clothing he ran a finger over my clit, giggling to himself. I gave him a look and he clarified, “Babe, you’re wet enough to fill an entire swimming pool.”

I groaned, pressing my head into his chest, “You make that same god awful joke every time we come here.”

“And as such I couldn’t let tradition die.”

“Shut up and fuck me.” I laughed, promptly helping him out of his boxers.

He continued to tease me after, switching between playing with my clit and stretching me out with his long fingers. By the time he finally gave in, I was a whimpering, pathetic mess, begging for more.

As he aligned with my walls he looked at me with delicate eyes, “Ready, little flower?”

I nodded quickly, chanting ‘yes’ over and over. Yunho once again placed a hand on the wall and hooked one of my legs over his waist, allowing him to thrust deeper inside me. He held my hand with his free one, a simple action that always melted my heart. Despite how long we’d been together, I would always get overwhelmed by him so easily. Everything about him exuded such a strong aura that sometimes just the smallest kiss would leave me breathless. The first time we were intimate he took his hand in mine and assured me he would be gentle, and every time since he’s held my hand. It wouldn’t feel right without our hands together.

“Shit—it’s been way too long since we’ve done this.” I said as he snapped his hips into mine, quickly repeating the action.

“God I know.” He let out a pained groan at the thought of it, “Four months is gonna be fucking awful without you.”

“Guess we’ll have to make do with what we’ve got now.”

“Guess we will.”

The sounds of water splashing and the echos of our moans, a symphony I had become so familiar with, was gradually reaching its crescendo. It was getting harder to keep my eyes open but I forced them to be, needed to memorize everything about this moment. The sweat dripping down Yunho’s forehead, the tattooed muscles he was flexing, the sounds and praise he was emitting, and pleasure we were both feeling--I wouldn’t see nor feel this for the next four months.

A particular snap of his hips had me seeing stars and I called out to him, letting him know I was close. Within minutes, both of us were panting and reeling from our highs. Yunho pressed his nose against mine and both of us closed our eyes, enjoying each other’s presence.

“How come every time we come here it ends in sex?” I giggled.

He blinked and moved a strand of wet hair out of my face, “Because you’re hot and barely wearing any clothes and no one’s around.”

I blushed at his compliment, “I mean like I’m not complaining or anything.”

A cocky smile formed on Yunho’s face, “Well it certainly didn’t sound like you were a moment ago.”

“Yunho!”

The man laughed, lifting me up and spinning me around in the pool before cradling me in his arms.

“I hate to say it, but we do need to head back. The world awaits for us, I’m afraid.”

I sighed, pressing into his chest, “I’m gonna miss you.”

He stilled as he pulled me closer, “I’m gonna miss you, too. You don’t have to miss me yet, though.”

“I know.” I swallowed, wishing I had something more to say.

“Come on, then.” Yunho gave me a quick kiss, “Let’s head back.”

Yunho held the front door open for me, giving me a gentle slap on my ass when I walked through. I turned around and gave him a playfully annoyed look, which he only laughed at.

As we walked towards the living room, the sound of a random sitcom filled our ears. Six heads turned our way after hearing our footsteps. Seonghwa was resting his head against his long-time girlfriend. She was a sweet girl and complimented him more than any woman I’d seen him with. They really were soulmates, if they ever existed.

San was sitting holding hands with a man he’d been interested in for awhile. I’d often see him flirting with various men and women, but he never went any further than that, too afraid of commitment. This man; however, seemed to breaking through San’s walls. I really hoped they would work out, San deserved someone as kind as him.

Wooyoung sat across from the them, who acknowledged us first.

“Hey guys. Have fun?” Wooyoung asked, smiling at my soaked hair. He had his arm around a woman I’d never seen before and I was certain that none of us would ever see her again. He had the reputation of a playboy, and every poor woman thought they’d be the one exception, the one to make him stay. I’m sure the allure of being a drummer in a band was part of his appeal, too. Maybe one day, like San, he’d settle down.

The woman became visibly upset when Wooyoung looked me with a teasing glance. Feeling sympathy for her, I decided to do my best to calm her nerves.

I spoke for us, linking hands with my boyfriend. “Yeah, we did. I think we’re gonna go clean up though.” I looked at the woman, “I’m y/n, by the way. I’m Yunho’s girlfriend.”

She didn’t even try to hide the relief on her face. “Oh! I’m Solar. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Yeah,” Wooyoung started, “Best girlfriend he’s ever had. Much better for him than Lucy.”

Yunho glared at the man, “Thought we agreed not to bring her up?”

Lucy, the woman Yunho dated before me, was arguably the scariest person I’d ever heard about. They dated for roughly three months before she became obsessive, to the point where Yunho had to get a restraining order against her. She threatened to hurt all of Yunho’s friends and family, all because she wanted Yunho all to herself. That was about all Yunho ever told me about her. Not that I complained. I didn’t exactly want to discuss his exes, even more so when they were that crazy.

I never told him, but I knew I saw her the first date we went on. I could see the way her piercing, ice eyes saw through me. I had no doubt it was her. I just hope I’d never see her again. Maybe now that she saw he was taken she’d leave us alone. There was an uncomfortable silence following, none of us knowing what to say until San spoke.

“You look like a wet dog, Yunho.” San joked, prompting laughter from a few of us, which seemed like more of a noise of relief rather than one of actual humor.

“Yeah, yeah.” My boyfriend relaxed his shoulders, “I think we’re gonna head in for the night so don’t make too much noise.” Waving them goodbye he caught up with me, placing a hand around my waist.

“Shower with me, doll.”

I placed a hand on his chest, “I would love to.”

I came out of the shower wearing my favorite large shirt of Yunho’s, drying my wet hair with a towel. The smell of chlorine had gone away for the most part; whatever chemicals the owner put in that pool always made the smell harder to get rid of. Only a small price to pay, I figured.

My boyfriend, who was much quicker than I was, looked up from his phone as he was splayed out across his bed. His tired eyes smiled at me while motioning me over. Yunho’s own hair was still drying and with his bare face and crooked smile, he was as handsome as he could ever be.

“Hey there.”

“Hey, sweetheart.” He reached an arm out to me, pulling me against him when I took his hand, “How ya feeling?”

“Tired.” I hummed, sleepily smiling against his neck.

“Too tired to listen to the song I wrote for you?”

“No! Not at all.”

Yunho chuckled, slowly brushing my hair aside and turning his head to look at me. As he had countless times, he took a breath before he turned to me, beginning to sing.

“You give me fireworks

I’ll give you the kindest words, my dear

Your love caught me

The moment I met your eyes

And how could I not fall?

Your heart bared, no disguise”

I fought to stay awake although his melodic voice seemed to be lulling me to sleep. I felt myself losing consciousness, but managed to catch the last few lyrics he sang to me.

“Now I sunbathe in the daybreak

Half asleep, half awake

Writing this song

As I hope I’ll dream of you”

Yunho brushed his fingertips brush against my face before he spoke, “Goodnight, flower.”

I muttered some form of a “goodnight” before I felt sleep take over me, nuzzling happily against my boyfriend.

I woke up in a panic, unsure why my heart was beating so fast until I looked at the clock. Eleven in the morning. I was an hour later than I should’ve been at my job. It seemed that even unconscious my body knew I was late.

“Oh shit I’m gonna be late for work!” I spoke with wide eyes.

Jumping from Yunho’s bed I stripped myself of his shirt and quickly threw my clothes on. The body that laid beside me stirred, moving the covers aside.

“Are you leaving?” He asked sleepily, his face puffy from sleep and an adorable pout on his lips.

I frowned, “Yeah. I’m sorry we didn’t get to spend more time together, babe.”

He shook his head, “Don’t worry about it. Both of us slept in.”

I tied my hair back, sighing. I was so caught up in my thoughts I almost missed Yunho’s question.

“Sorry what was that?”

He smiled, “You’re coming to our going away party tomorrow, right?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I moved back to the bed and hugged him, feeling my heart sink. I was proud of him, I really was, yet couldn’t help but feel sad that I wouldn’t see him for so long.

This was the longest tour they’d ever gone on and we’d never been apart from each other that long before. I trusted him and I was confident in our relationship, but realistically, all members of Sidekick Heart were attractive young men and a good portion of their fans were female. I was far more concerned about the female audience doing something than I was about Yunho making a move on another woman.

With one last squeeze of his shoulders I pulled back, goodbyes beginning to fall from my lips before Yunho pulled me back.

“I need a goodbye kiss.”

I pressed my lips together with a smile, gladly indulging him. Giving him one last kiss against the lips, I bid him farewell until the following day.

“So how was work?” My roommate asked as I walked in the house, propping her feet up on our couch and tossing a kernel of corn into her mouth, the lighting of the TV illuminating her blanket-covered body.

I sighed, sitting down on the floor next to her, “Other than being an hour and a half late and missing an important meeting I think it went okay. I’m just glad the day’s over.” Rubbing a hand over my face I turned to her, “What about you? How was your day?”

“Pretty damn good actually.” She smiled, removing the blanket and showing me the new ink on her upper arm. It was an assortment of flowers and matched her bubbly personality perfectly. They were now the fifth adornment on her beautiful dark skin, each one of them tempting me more and more to get a few of my own.

“Another one already, Tiff?”

“Listen, you’ll know how addicting they get as soon as you get your first.”

“You sound so confident that I will.”

“Oh I know you will. You’re dating a rockstar, after all. Not to mention he’s the goddamn lead singer and has tattoos of his own.”

“Shut up.” I giggled, “Speaking of, are you coming to the farewell party tomorrow?”

“I plan on it, but I’ll probably be there a couple hours late. My dad’s flying into town for the weekend so I plan on visiting first. I’m definitely coming though.”

I hummed, “Yeah, don’t worry too much about it. We all know it’ll go till sunrise anyway.”

She let out a loud laugh, likely remembering the last party of theirs we went to where she ended up more drunk than I’d ever seen her. She claims she remembers flashes of the night; playing strip beer pong and being dared to steal one of the neighbor’s bushes—which, after much convincing from those who were sober, she decided against it—but didn’t recall half of the hilarious memories of her the rest of us did. Personally, my favorite was watching her hold a tomato soup can and cry over the fact that it could never have children.

Tiff let out a yawn as she stretched her arms above her head, turning in my direction. Her words were muffled by her yawn as she spoke, “Imma go to bed now. You good before I go?”

I smiled at her, “Yeah I’m good. I won’t stay up too much longer, just need to go through my nightly routine of looking at the stars, ya know, the usual.”

She nodded, wrapping the blanket around her and heading to her bedroom, “Sleep well, babe. I’ll see ya tomorrow.”

“Back at ya.”

It was a habit of mine, gazing at the night sky before sleeping. It gave me comfort knowing that out there, somewhere, there was something else out there with me. Almost like I wasn’t going through everything alone.

I set my purse down when I reached our kitchen, reaching for a tea pot and tea bags, brainlessly brewing my favorite tea as I thought of what Yunho might be doing right now. It was probably most likely that he was practicing for their tours, but I could only hope he was getting a little bit of rest.

I stepped out onto our porch to look at the stars with a cup of tea in my hands, the night sky twinkling with all the stars it could offer. A slight breeze rustled my hair and I closed my eyes, thankful for the pleasant weather. I heard a sudden snap of a branch and my eyes quickly opened as I searched out property for any sign of an aggressive animal. My eyes finally landed on a human-like figure. Feeling adrenaline run though me, I decided to confront whoever or whatever it was.

“Who are you? What are you doing here?” I spoke, my voice loud but not quite a yell.

The figure took off it’s hood to show their face, and I saw a familiar pair of ice blue eyes, though I hadn’t seen them in years, “I’m here to see you, of course.”

My brain quickly connected her to the woman I hoped I’d never see again.

Lucy.

“Well I don’t want to see you. Leave.”

She pressed a hand to her chest, feigning offense, “But I came all this way! Just to...say hello.”

I took a step towards her, hoping that if I appeared confrontational she would leave me alone. “I don’t know who you are, now please leave. I’m not going to say it again.”

“Oh, you poor girl. You really think you have the upper hand?” She pulled out a knife, and walked towards me at impressive speed, pointing the weapon at my throat. “I know you’ve been seeing Yunho. I. Don’t. Like. That.” She emphasized every word of the last sentence, anger woven within her voice.

I wanted to fight back. Everything in me was screaming to fight back, but I knew I had no chance. I had no idea what she was capable of, and I didn’t dare to find out.

“I dated him first and he’s still mine. You’re going to break up with him, you hear me?” She screamed in my ear, the sound shaking me to my core, “I never want to see you near him again.” She grabbed my jaw harshly, forcing my eyes to lock with hers. “I bet he doesn’t even love you.”

My eyes watered. I knew she was wrong, but with the adrenaline coursing through my veins and the harshness of her words I began to doubt myself.

Her grip tightened and I let out a yelp, “He loves me and I love him. He’s always loved me, not you. Why would he ever love a thing like you?”

She then threw me to the ground, towering over me, “Break up with him. Make him hate you. If you don’t,” She squatted down next to me, once more pointing the knife at my throat, “I’ll kill him myself and make you watch. Then,” She cocked her head, a crazed smile plastered on her face, “I’ll kill you. If I can’t have him, no one can.” She stood, smirking at me, “And you know I will.”

She kicked me in the stomach, watching as I crawled into myself, groaning from the pain. I closed my eyes, hoping she wouldn’t hurt me any more than she already had.

“I’ll be watching you at the party tomorrow. Do it then. Break his heart. I’ll kill him then and there if you don’t.” She looked down at me and scoffed, “And I’ll be bringing friends to make sure the job gets done.”

I carefully opened my eyes to see her stepping over me, walking back into the darkness from which she came. I scrambled back into my house, hyperventilating from the interaction I just had.

I spent the night crying, not able to sleep even for a minute. I tried to think rationally, but there were just too many variables. How many ‘friends’ was she bringing? Would she really kill Yunho in front of everyone? Where would she be watching me from? Is she watching me now?

I could text or call Yunho to let him know, but where would we go from there? He’d want to meet me and she’d kill him instantly. Right?

“Maybe I could pull him aside at the party and warn him?” I murmured to myself, “No, she could probably see that. Maybe there’s people actually at the party who are looking out for us, too.” I covered my face with my hands and fell back into my pillows, weeping as I knew I had to break up with the love of my life.

Choosing to wear a yellow dress honestly couldn’t have been more ironic. Yellow was supposed to be a happy color. A color of hope and yearning, innocence and warm days full of laughter. It was the complete antithesis of how I felt and what I knew I had to do. Even worse, the weather was perfect. It was sunny, but not so much to make it unbearable outside. Everything about today made my insides twist.

I took a breath at the door of Yunho’s house, bracing myself for what I had to do. Knocking a few times I heard a commotion inside before the man I came to see opened the door. His smile had never been bigger.

“Baby!” He cheered, pulling me into a bear hug and ruffling my styled hair, “I’m so excited you’re here!”

He looks so ecstatic. And I have to break him.

The thought crushed me and brought tears to my eyes, but I couldn’t let him die. I knew she was serious, I didn’t doubt that for a moment. I grabbed Yunho’s arm, pulling him outside and away from everyone in the house.

I looked at the ground as I felt my lips begin to quiver, “I’m sorry. I just need to get this over with.”

Yunho bent down to meet my eyes, “Hey, hey. What’s going on sweetheart?” His voice was gentle, one of his hands coming to rub the tears from my face, “I’m here for you, whatever it is.”

I looked down, unable to look him in the eyes. I hated myself more than I’d ever hated anyone. “I don’t love you, Yunho.” My hands began to shake beyond my control, my own body knowing I was making a mistake.

“W-what?” Yunho’s voice cracked. A moment of silence passed before he let out a hollow laugh, “Baby, you don’t mean that-”

I looked up at him and immediately wished I hadn’t. Tears were welling in his eyes, his own hands beginning to shake.

“I said I don’t love you Yunho!” I said louder than I intended, “Not anymore. I don’t want to be with you. I’m sorry.”

He took a step back and I noticed his hands clenching, something he always did to keep himself from crying.

“If that’s what you want,” Tears fell from his eyes before he finished his sentence, “Then I’ll support your decision.” He looked to the side, not knowing what else to say.

I wanted nothing more than to throw myself in his arms and explain everything, tell him that I’ve never stopped loving him, not even for a second, but I couldn’t. Instead, I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand and looked at him one last time. He was so fucking handsome, so goddamn kind, and here I was doing this to him. Maybe he did deserve someone better.

“Good luck with your tour, Yunho. I know you’ll be fantastic.”

I turned and walked away from him quickly, leaving the house and ignoring the stare I could feel on me. I ran across the yard to my car, starting the engine and leaning my head against the steering wheel. I felt myself lose all oxygen in my body, the only option left to take large gasps of air. My vision was so clouded by tears I couldn’t even see anymore. I’d just lost myself along with my other half. I’d never felt as empty as I did in that moment.

Just then I heard a knocking on my window. I half-hardheartedly lifted my head and felt my heart lurch. Yunho was standing outside my car, eyes red and puffy, looking at me like I was the last person he’d ever see. I opened my car without thinking, my breathing still as uneven as before.

Yunho spoke, his voice coarse and distant, “I’m not asking you to change your mind, but I need you to know that I have always loved you and I always will. That will never change.”

I wiped the snot from my nose but didn’t bother to try and fix the mascara I knew was streaming down my face. I knew I had to look horrible, but he still held so much love for me that it was easy to see in his eyes. I fought myself to not reply, knowing that if I’d open my mouth all I’d say was ‘I love you’ over and over again.

“Is it too out of line to ask for a last hug?” He smiled sadly as more tears poured from his eyes.

I shook my head, running into his arms and embracing him. I felt like I made a mistake the moment I did because I could smell him. He was wearing the cologne I bought him for his birthday. His warm, sturdy chest...everything about him felt like home.

“Goodbye, Yunho.”

I arrived at home alone, tears still stinging my eyes. Tiff was nowhere to be found and I couldn’t decide if I was thankful or sad for the fact that she wasn’t there. I barely made it out to our porch before collapsing once again, finding it harder and harder to breathe. I didn’t know how long I was sitting there, it could’ve been one hour or three, but given the setting sun it looked like it was the latter. Once more I heard a noise outside our home, and once more the female figure appeared before me.

“You did good,” Lucy said, twirling her knife in her hands, “Dare I say I’m proud of you.”

“I don’t ever want to see you here again.” I cried, “I did what you want now get the fuck away from me.”

“My, my. You have quite the mouth on you, don’t you?” She tsked, “But you did as I asked, so I might as well comply. Don’t; however, think that you can go crawling back to Yunho and tell him about this. I’ll keep watching you and if you decide to do just that...I’ll follow through with my promise.”

I kept my eyes on the ground, convinced that if I looked up at her I’d attempt to rip the hair out of her head. No anger I had ever felt before could surmount to the rage I was feeling.

“Nonetheless, it was a pleasure doing business with you, miss.”

As soon as she came, she was gone. When I finally let myself look up, I could no longer see her, only darkness. Once again, I was alone.

Six months had passed since I broke up with Yunho and today officially made the third new date I’d went on. All of them were absolutely horrible. It wasn’t even that the guys were mean or rude or weren’t attractive, they just weren’t him.

Why am I even trying to move on?

I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes looked heavy, the bags under my eyes ever prominent. I couldn’t fool myself. I’d never be able to be with another man again. I forced myself to hold back tears and reached back to untie my hair, preparing to take a bath in hopes that it would take my mind off of things.

I began to run the warm water as I reached for several candles, lighting them and placing them around the room, trying to forget the entire day altogether. As I waited for the tub to fill I grabbed my phone, opening Instagram for no other reason than to have something to do. Although Yunho and I broke up, I still followed their band account, as well as their individual accounts. Seonghwa, San, and Wooyoung were still my friends, after all. Yunho was the only exception. Both of us unfollowed each other early on just because it was too painful. I didn’t hold it against him and hoped he didn’t hold it against me either.

Regardless, my eyes found the most recent post on Sidekick Heart’s account. All four members were shirtless, their hair dripping wet with goofy smiles plastered on their faces. They were standing by a pool, the same one Yunho and I would often break into. I noticed Yunho first, how could I not? His smile wasn’t as wide as the other’s, his eyes a bit colder, but he looked happy all the same. He looked good. Really, really good. He was always fit while we were dating, but he gained more muscle since I last saw him and it didn’t go unnoticed by their fans, either. I clicked the comment section against my better judgement, knowing what I was going to see before I even did so.

“Yunho looks like a fucking goddd”

“So Yunho’s still single right??”

“Yunhooo hmu I beg you”

“Jesus Christ Yunho break me please”

A surge of jealousy rushed through me. I hated when girls said those things when we were together, but now that we were apart it made it even worse. I had no right to be jealous, and that was the worst part.

The water reached my leg that was resting on the side of the tub and I scrambled to turn off the faucet. Doing my best to push the images from my mind I placed my phone aside and stripped from my clothes, settling in the water. I sighed as some water fell out of the side of the tub. It wasn’t a terrible thing to happen, but it seemed to just be another thing to go wrong.

My eyes wandered back to my phone, Instagram still open and the picture I was looking at earlier still on display. He was so fucking hot and seeing that he was standing next to that pool—our pool—made my brain short circuit. I couldn’t stop my thoughts from taking me back to the last night we broke in, the way we teased each other and how it inevitably led to sex. It seemed I had no control over my body as my dominant hand slipped between my legs.

But as much as I wanted it to be, it wasn’t the same. My fingers weren’t as long or slender as his and just nothing about our touches were the same, but the image of him just made my hormones rage. Every ounce of me craved him.

My fingers swirled around my clit, a bundle of pleasure shooting through me at the action. I closed my eyes, letting my body take over and repeat the motions and much as I fought not to, my brain kept replaying scenes of two of us again, and again, and again.

“Such a good girl, aren’t you?” Yunho spoke as I sunk down on his dick, barely finding the energy to lift myself up again even though the noises he made were like shots of espresso.

“Aww, is my baby getting tired?” He cooed, jerking his hips into mine.

“It’s not fair!” I whined, “I’m not good at this and you know it.”

“But we wouldn’t be a good couple if we didn’t encourage each other to work hard, right? Up you go, flower.”

I whimpered and pouted, but still obeyed him. Taking pity on me, Yunho grabbed my waist and lifted me, relaxing his grip as I moved downward. I made a noise that wasn’t understood by Yunho, but it didn’t go unnoticed.

“What was that?”

“Please. More. I need you so bad.” I begged.

Yunho laughed, “I really do have you wrapped around my finger, don’t I?”

I nodded before remembering that he’d probably prefer a verbal answer, “Yes. I’m w-wrapped around your finger.”

He let out a noise of satisfaction before flipping us over into a position so that he would have full control. I grabbed the bedsheets roughly, so much in my own world that I didn’t hear Yunho’s words.

“What was that?” I let out with a series of mewls.

“You’ve got me wrapped around your finger, too, you know? I don’t go an hour without thinking about you anymore. I can’t even have a single conversation without bringing you up. Anytime someone says your name my heart beats out of my damn chest. You’re the only woman for me.”

My legs shook as my high approached, barely able to breathe at it’s intensity. It took me a minute before I could even remember where I was. As I came to my senses, I felt tears biting at my eyes and this time I didn’t bother to hold them back. I watched as they streamed down my face and joined the now-cold water surrounding me. I brought my hands up to cover my eyes, glad Tiff wasn’t home to hear my wailing. She’d been good about staying with me since the breakup, but tonight she just wasn’t here. The hole in my heart felt even deeper now. I wondered if he found someone, if he was happy now. Hell, maybe it was his ex. The thought tore my heart out and ripped it in two. I wanted to be happy for him if it was true, but I just couldn’t be. I was still too selfish. I still wanted him to love only me.

New friends, new beginnings or whatever.

That’s apparently what I thought when I began attending more clubs at college after the breakup, meeting new people and eventually finding a really solid friend group. All who happened to really like punk-rock music.

“You should really go with us,” Shang directed his words at me, “There’s a new band popping up that’s playing this weekend. It’s three hours away but they have great music.”

I sighed, not fully convinced although it did sound fun. The last concert I’d been to was one of Yunho’s and though I hadn’t even seen him in what felt like forever, I still couldn’t help myself from thinking of him anytime someone talked about concerts. Sensing my apprehension, the woman beside me spoke up.

“Road trip! Road trip! Road trip!” Tyra chanted in my ear, her black curls bouncing with her as she clapped her hands between the words. “Come on, it would be so much fun and you know it.”

I bit my lip, deep in thought. I knew I would have fun but I just didn’t know if that would outweigh the pain I would feel.

“What’s the band name?” I asked, looking at Shang.

“Honestly?” He scratched the back of his head, “I was a little drunk when I told one of my friends I’d be there so I don’t even remember what they’re called.”

“How do you know they have great music, then?” I laughed, Tyra agreeing with me, apparently not knowing who was playing when she agreed either.

“I mean, my brother listens to their music and he’s got good music taste so they’ve gotta be good.”

I closed my eyes as I felt an oncoming headache, knowing they wouldn’t accept no as an answer. “Fuck it.” I stated, “I’ll go.”

The two cheered, Shang promising that I’d enjoy myself. I doubted it, truthfully, but really it was decided that I’d go the moment the pair brought the idea up to me.

Our trio waded through the giant crowd as the doors opened to let us into the venue. It was big, one of the larger concerts I’ve been to. Whoever we were seeing was successful, for sure. The volume at which everyone was speaking was essentially a yell, so I had to do just that to get my messages through.

“I still can’t believe we have no fucking idea who’s playing!” I yelled at Shang.

He laughed, “I got seats towards the front row, though! I didn’t even have to pay for them!”

“That’s not gonna matter if we don’t know any of the lyrics, you dipshit!” Tyra barked.

“Okay okay I should’ve asked, I get that now.”

As we found our way towards the seats, there was a big projector with the words ‘Sidekick Heart’ displayed across it. My heart dropped and I suddenly felt it become hard to breathe.

“You got us tickets to a Sidekick Heart concert?” Tyra beamed, “I love their music and I’m practically in love with San! His vocals are insane! Holy shit, Shang!”

“Ohhhh yeah I remember now.” He chuckled.

I seemed to fade into the background as the two of them discussed their love for the band and the members. All I could think about was seeing Yunho again.

Would he see me? How would he react if he does?...Does he hate me?

I only came back to reality when the audience began to cheer and I saw all the members step onto stage. Seonghwa cradled his electric guitar, in one arm, waving at the audience with the other. Wooyoung plopped down behind the drum set, smiling at the audience while twirling a drumstick. With his bass guitar, San, ever the king of expressions, gave his best smoulder to the audience and it seemed like the audience collectively screamed over him. Then came Yunho out to center stage, his electric guitar in his hands and a smirk on his face as if he knew everyone in the damn building wanted to fuck him. And he’d be right. The spotlights on each of them made them look like actual gods. If I didn’t know them personally I would have thought they were.

Yunho leaned into the mic, his gruff voice taking me by surprise, “Hello everyone! Great to see you all! If you haven’t been to one of our concerts before this is how it’s gonna work: You’re gonna dance, we’re gonna sing, we’re all gonna have a fucking great time tonight!”

The crowd erupted as the first song began to play. It was one of their more popular songs and for good reason. All over it was a really well put together song and I couldn’t help as I began to mouth along to the words. Song after song played, some I knew some I didn’t, and the entire time I couldn’t look away from the man singing. He radiated confidence and looked relaxed as if he’d been performing for decades. I knew he wasn’t as cool as he seemed, I’d given him so many pep talks before performances I couldn’t count them, but as an outsider you’d never know.

I wonder who talked him up this time?

“Alright everyone. This is the last song of the night and-”

The audience booed, everyone upset at the night coming to a close.

Yunho laughed. The sound was rich and beautiful. He was truly enjoying himself. This is what he was meant to do, with or without me. I closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry.

Yunho’s voice filled my ears. “I know, I know. I’d love to stay a bit longer, too. Here’s the thing though...” He paused and I opened my eyes only to see him looking back at me. His eyes automatically softened as they always did when he saw me, but as if he remembered how we ended his gaze hardened slightly, like he was trying to distance himself. It felt like we’d been looking at each other for hours before he opened his mouth to speak again, but I knew very well that my perception of time had been off for a while.

“Even if we only have this little time left, I’ve truly enjoyed the time we’ve spent together. The fact that it’s coming to an end soon is what makes it so special, I think.” Yunho broke eye contact with me, smiling slightly and glancing back out at the sea of people. “Seeing your smiling faces, your energetic cheers—all of it—is a reminder to me that we’re so lucky to be doing this as a job. Really...I love you all.”

The audience let out a chorus of ‘awws’ which was followed by several rather aggressive ‘I love you too’s.

The lead singer once more smiled, “Now, without further adieu, this is one of our newest songs and it’s called Brown Eyes, here it is.”

The music began to play, all instruments coming together to make a somber tune. Somehow they were always able to write music that perfectly encapsulated emotions or ideas. This one? Loss.

“Since you left you’re still so infused

In how I think and what I do

Can’t seem to get you to leave me alone

Your ghost stayed here and she watches my tears

That run down our picture frames”

Then he found me again in the crowd, no doubt able to see the tears staining my makeup, no doubt able to see how broken I was. And still, he sang.

“I’ve tried hard to fight it

Yet I keep givin’ in

There’s been no one but you

I’m trapped, confined

And your platinum smile still knocks me out

Every single time”

He kept eye contact with me, not once breaking his gaze. It was almost as if he wanted me to break first, as if he wanted me to look away before him. As if he was daring me to leave him again.

San stepped closer to his mic and took his eyes away from his bass guitar, Yunho’s voice being replaced by the purple-haired man. As his voice rang out I only could’ve hoped the next lyrics were about one of San ex’s, not me. Even if they weren’t, Yunho still looked at me.

“It’s not aimed at me

Maybe it never was

But oh darling, you could’ve fooled me”

My eyes flickered down, unable to look at Yunho any longer. His gaze only broke my heart further and in turn I felt my eyes water. After a moment or two, I worked up the courage to look back at him. He was still looking at me like he never moved his eyes. I couldn’t seem to register the lyrics until Yunho began to sing again, his voice drawing me in as it always did.

“You've disappeared without a trace

Left an unsuspecting guise

Love, I need you to know

I’ve been losing far more than sleep

Over those deep chocolate eyes.”

As the song and the show ended and everyone in the crowd cheered, I felt a rush of emotions run through me. Thrilled that they’d become so successful, proud of them for putting on such an amazing show, and hurt because I could still see a sliver of sadness in Yunho’s eyes.

I hurt him.

Yunho then reluctantly said his goodbyes to the audience along with the rest of the members. His jaw tightened as he walked over to Wooyoung, whispering something in his ear before walking off stage. Feeling like I was set in a trance, I grabbed my Tyra’s arm and mumbled something about going to the bathroom before following him. I completely ignored her questions and concerns about where I was going, dead set on talking to him again even though I didn’t have a damn idea what I was going to say.

Somehow, through the giant maze of people, I was able to spot Yunho leaving through the backstage. Instinctively I ran towards him, still having no plan in mind. I only stopped when a purple-headed man appeared before me.

“Y/n!” He smiled, bringing me into a hug, “I missed you so much!” He pulled back from me, “We all did.”

Seonghwa and Wooyoung came from behind me, both wearing sad, kind smiles. They looked healthy and happy, which was all I could’ve asked for them.

“How’ve you been, girl?” Seonghwa cocked his head, genuinely curious.

I hesitated, not sure if I should tell them the truth. But at the end of the day, they were still my friends. “Not...great. If I’m being honest. I was kinda hoping I could talk to Yunho...if I could.”

They all shared a look I couldn’t understand.

Wooyoung spoke up, “We’re having a party at a friend’s house after this, you should come.”

I was surprised, still not fully understanding the situation.

San frowned, “I think it would be good for you two to talk. He didn’t tell us too much about what happened, but I’m sure you had a good reason. You were always so good to all of us.”

“I can text you the address if you’d like,” Wooyoung added, “You still have the same number?”

I nodded.

“Okay, good. We need to get back but we’ll see you there. Take care, okay?”

“I will. Thanks guys.”

San pulled me in for another hug, “Of course.”

They waved as we parted ways and for the first time that night, I felt hopeful. I spotted Shang and Tyra and ran up to them, no doubt a smile on my face as I asked, “Soo...you guys up for a party?”

I ditched my friends the moment we arrived, barely even sparing a word with Seonghwa, San, and Wooyoung once they nudged me in the direction of Yunho. I didn’t try to think too much about it, knowing I’d explain it all to them later.

He was standing in an empty bedroom, looking at the floor and sipping out of a red cup which likely contained liquor. When his eyes met mine a rush of memories flooded back to me. The first time we kissed, the first time he confessed he loved me, the first time he saw me cry.

The first time I broke his heart.

His eyes raised to mine, his face stoic, “Enjoy the show?”

My mouth opened and closed, not having any clue what to say to him, “Yunho I-”

“I know why you did it.” He said suddenly, “A week after you left me Lucy showed up to one of our shows and tried to convince me it was all a coincidence. Said that I could finally be with her. When I didn’t buy it she finally gave in and told me she convinced you we were better apart. So naturally I called the cops and they arrested her for breaking the restraining order, thank god.” He shook his head, looking disgusted, “You know I never wanted us to be apart. My question to you,” he took a step further towards me, “is why did you do it? Why did you end us?”

When I couldn’t seem to respond he talked once more, “You could’ve told me what she was trying to do. We could’ve worked it out together.” He looked more disappointed and heartbroken rather than angry.

He doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve any of this.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Yunho.” I bit my tongue as I fought back tears, “I’m not asking for you to forgive me. I-I’m just-” I sobbed, “Lucy told me she would kill you if I kept dating you.”

Yunho’s mouth shut and eyes widened, clearly missing that bit of information. I took it as my cue to continue “I don’t know why she did it, but it’s probably because we were happy.”

More tears fell down my face and it became harder for me to talk, but I owed him the truth. I had to tell him the truth. I looked up at him but because of my tears my vision was blurred. Yunho’s hands were tightening into fists as he looked away from me.

“I couldn’t tell you because I had to protect you so I had to make you hate me and I’m just so sorry.” I fell to the ground, my body feeling as heavy as my heart.

I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and I brought my eyes to meet his own, “I’m sorry.” A tear streamed down his cheek, heavy remorse in his eyes, “God she’s fucking awful.”

A laugh got caught in my throat, “Yeah she is.”

He set his cup down somewhere along the way a his hands cupped my face, finally whispering the words I’d only heard in dreams, “I still love you so fucking much. I never stopped loving you. I never even tried to stop because I know I couldn’t.”

I jumped into his arms and kissed him hard, unintentionally knocking him to the floor. He met my lips with just as much fire, groaning when I unconsciously bucked my hips into his, all my sexual frustration still pent up.

“I missed you so fucking much.” Yunho growled, obviously feeling needy too but deciding against it as he wrapped his arms around my waist, speaking in between kisses, “I missed your cute laugh. I missed your lips. I missed your fucking awful jokes. I missed the way you’d look at me whenever you told me you loved me. I missed your gorgeous body and your smile. I missed your moans and the way you arched your back when we’d have sex. I missed how alive you made me feel.” He pulled back to look at me, “My life had no purpose without you.”

I took a breath, tears once more falling, “Mine didn’t either.” It wasn’t anything profound or emotional, but it was the truth. It didn’t.

Gently picking me up, he placed me on the bed. His eyes were raw, as emotional as they could ever be. Taking my hands in his, he looked at me as if I would disappear at any minute.

“Stay with me. Come with us on the rest of the tour. If you can’t take a vacation we’ll hire you as an assistant. If you can’t do that we’ll make some other kind of accommodation. Just stay, please. Please be mine again.”

I looked at the man in front of me. The tough-looking, six-foot tall, tattooed, strong man that could probably scare the shit out of anyone. Yet here he was, bearing his heart to me and being as vulnerable as a person could be.

I smiled, feeling my heart swell. “I’ve only ever been yours.”

The morning was bright, lighting directly hitting my eyes. I cursed myself for not closing the blinds the night before and blinked off my sleep when I heard a familiar pleasant sound.

Jumping down from the bed I put on the new fluffy bathrobe my lover bought me. I followed Yunho’s voice out to my porch, realizing I was listening to a new song of his. The man was strumming a guitar, a beautiful melody falling from his lips. When he noticed me, he smiled and continued to sing.

“I’m in a vivid yellow mood

You’re my muse, my home and room

And now that I have you again

What could I ever fear?

Oh do me a favor, dear

And inscribe your name on my sleeve

Let me keep it there forever

Because you’re better than any daydream.”

#ateez #kpop #imagines #ateez au #ateez fluff #ateez imagines #ateez smut #atzinc #fluff #ateez yunho #rockstar au #yunho au

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narutogwriting · 3 years

Note

hii, could you do a naruto x reader fic the day/evening before naruto becomes hokage n he and the reader are discussing their future , if they want kids, if they will get married and reminiscing about the past ( maybe about how they met or significant moments ) and he confides in her that maybe he’s a lil nervous n it’s just cavity inducing fluff ,,, sorry if that was a little long but thank you! <3

Hey did you take this prompt straight out of my heart?<3 This may need a part 2...

Long Live

Pairing: Naruto Uzumaki x Reader

CW: fluff

Length: 2.9k+

Inspired by “Long Live” by Taylor Swift because that song always makes me think of Naruto 🥺

Why is he so pretty

His whole life had led up to this. He’d spent years alone and isolated and hurting. Years being left in the background, unseen, forgotten. All Naruto had ever wanted in life was to gain the acknowledgment of his village.

And now he had it.

In just a few hours, by this time tomorrow, Naruto would officially become Hokage. Everything he’d ever worked for was finally coming to fruition.

Naruto was sitting on the Hokage heads, the same stones that he’d spent years vandalizing as a child, just wanting someone to notice him. Specifically, he was sitting on the formation of his father’s head, a small smile on his face. He’d always said that he was going to become better than the fourth hokage… He wasn’t sure if he could ever surpass his dad. But at the very least, he would do his best to make him proud.

The Sun was beginning to set over the leaf village, casting a brilliant orange glow over the town he loved so much. It was a powerful, flawed village that had done a fantastic amount of good and created imaginable pain. It’d taken Naruto years to understand it, that nothing was black and white, that things can be good and bad, and that you can love something, but still want to change and improve it.

The Leaf Village had simultaneously been a place that had broken him and the place where he had become healed. Now that Naruto was a little older, a little wiser, he understood that things had to change, and that’s what Naruto would do.

He would become the change, lead the village into a new era. One of healing and restoration. Not only would Konoha change its way, Naruto was going to do his damndest to right all of its wrongs.

Finally, just before dark, Naruto got up and decided to head back home. He couldn’t imagine that he would be getting much sleep tonight; he was too excited, too nervous. Of course he’d always believed that he would become Hokage, but now that it was happening… It was almost too much for him to handle.

He expected you to maybe already be in bed by the time he got home. It wasn’t super late, but you were just getting back from a mission that day, so he was sure you’d be exhausted.

He opened the front door slowly, quietly, not wanting to wake you.

He was surprised to find you not only awake, but waiting for him with a big smile. You looked so beautiful, he thought, in the tight red dress you were wearing. The lights were dim, the living room and kitchen only lit by candle light.

Blinking in confusion, Naruto looked at you as you came to give him a big hug. “Hi, I missed you…” Naruto said, wrapping his strong arms around you, pulling you into him. He placed a kiss on your head, getting a whiff of his favorite perfume that you had.

Just over your head, he could see the table set with a pretty red table cloth, flowers, romantic candles, and the unmistakable aroma of your homemade ramen.

“I missed you so much,” You told him, pulling away just enough to press up on your tiptoes and give him a kiss. “I’ve been waiting for you. Were you at Hokage Rock?” You questioned. You knew him way too well.

He gave you a sheepish grin. “I was,” He told you. “Just taking it all in, ya know? Before…” He trailed off. He couldn’t even speak the words; it would make it all too real and then he was sure he’d implode.

Instead, he nodded to the set up in the kitchen before pulling away from the hug. He took your hand, pulling back so he could check you out properly, giving you a little twirl as you giggled. “What’s the occasion?” He asked you, causing you to stare up at him with a dumbfounded expression.

“What do you think, dummy!?” You asked him, playfully smacking his arm and making him laugh.

“I thought we were gonna celebrate tomorrow night?”

You shook your head, exasperated. “Yes, but that’s with our friends, Naruto. “Tonight, I wanted to celebrate, just you and me.” You explained to him, smiling up at him fondly. You reached up to touch his cheek gently. “I’m just so proud of you, you know? I wanted to do something special. I always knew you could do it.”

Naruto eyes began to tear up instantly as he grinned happily. He ran the back of his hand across his eyes. “Geez, you really know how to make a guy all choked up…”

You giggled. You were well accustomed to Naruto’s happy tears by this point. It never failed to make your heart well up, knowing that you could fill Naruto with such joy that he would cry tears of happiness.

His hands cupped your cheeks, pulling you to him as he pressed his lips against yours softly. “I love you so much, you know? Believe it!”

“I do believe it,” You teased, kissing him one more time before taking his hand. “Cmon, before your food gets cold.” You told him, pulling him to the kitchen. “I made your favorite.”

The two of you made small talk while you ate your food. He asked about your mission, and you gave him the exciting details. He slurpped down the ramen hungrily; somehow you made it just as good as Ichiraku ramen, maybe even better. It was just one of the many things he loved about you.

When the two of you finished eating, you cleared the table, leaving the dishes in the sink.

“Cmon,” you said, leading Naruto to the living room.

You had more candles set up on the side tables, and in the middle of the floor, a blanket with lots of pillows for the two of you to lounge on, chocolate covered strawberries, two glasses of wine, and a present just for Naruto.

“How did I get so lucky?” Naruto asked quietly, staring down at you with love filled eyes. He wrapped his arms around you from behind, dipping his head down to place light, open mouth kisses against your neck. You tilted your head slightly, placing your hands over his arms.

“Sweet, thoughtful, a good cook.. Not to mention so gorgeous.” His hands began to trail over your body, starting at your waist and slipping slowly down your hips and thighs before moving back up.

You felt your stomach clenching in desire, always so responsive to his touch.

“Naruto,” you moaned softly. It took all of your willpower to pull away from him. “I have a nice night planned; stop trying to seduce me!” You scolded.

Naruto just gave you a cheeky smile. “I can’t help myself. Look at you…” He muttered.

You bit your lip, blushing as he followed you to sit down on the blanket. Naruto pulled you between his legs to rest your back against his chest as he peppered your cheeks with kisses, making you giggle and squirm in his arms.

Picking up a chocolate strawberry, you placed it in front of his lips. He took the fruit in his mouth, the juices spilling over his lips before you pulled you in for another sweet kiss.

It would have been easy to let that become the rest of your night with Naruto, getting lost in his arms, letting his lips trace over every part of your body, spending the night in ecstacy. And you wanted that. You really wanted that.

But tomorrow was going to be the best day of Naruto’s life. Honestly, it was probably going to be the best day of yours, too. You were giddy with pride and adoration; you could only imagine the way you would feel tomorrow, watching Naruto stand in front of the whole village, all eyes on him as that hokage cloak was finally, finally*, placed over his shoulders. The way the people were going to scream his name, look at him with reverence and admiration. It made you start to tear up just thinking about it. Naruto was going to be hokage. His life long dream would be his reality. You always knew it would be. You couldn’t think of anyone more deserving to become the leader of the village.

“I got you something,” you told him, your head a little dizzy with the champagne you two had been drinking in between your kisses and giggles. You were so in love with this man.

“I thought I was going to unwrap you,” Naruto flirted, but you batted his hands away, pushing to your feet. You grabbed the present bag, specially chosen for the little foxes that littered the wrapping.

Walking back over, you sat cross legged in front of him, holding the bag in your lap.

“Naruto,” you said, giving him a silly smile. “Ever since the day I first met you, I’ve been in awe of you.” You told him. It was hard not to blush at the way that Naruto was gazing at you, those beautiful blue eyes glistening and intense. “From the way you carried yourself, to how hard you worked, to the way you changed people. Your heart is bigger than anyone I know. I wish so much that I would have met you sooner, so I could have been there for you, so you never would have had to be alone…”

You wiped at your eyes. The more you spoke, the wetter they became. “Whenever you tell me about the things you experienced when you were little, the way you grew up… It breaks my heart. I never want for you to feel sad or alone or abandoned like that… Never.” Scooting closer to him, you took his hands.

“I wish I would have known the little boy you were before you became the ninja I love. I wish I could hug him and tell him it’s all going to be okay… Could you imagine if he could see you now?” You’re smiling and crying and Naruto is smiling and crying and you’re both such an emotional mess. Everything he’d gone through, all the pain he experienced, he’d do it all again if it meant he could be here.

Naruto kissed your knuckles as you worked to compose yourself. You never knew it was possible to feel so deeply before Naruto. He’d taught you to love the way he did, and you couldn’t thank him enough for that.

“It’s been the best thing of my life, watching you take on the world.” You told Naruto in earnest. “The greatest honor. I just… I love you so much, and I want you to know how proud I am of you… And I never want you to forget how far you’ve come so… here.”

You passed him the present, and he took it with shaking hands. How? How was this his life? How had he gone from being four years old, wandering the streets of Konoha without a friend in the world to becoming the leader of the village, with the most beautiful, caring, magnificent woman he could have imagined by his side?

He opened the gift slowly, so contrary to the way he may normally rip into a present with excitement and vigor. This, right now, this entire night, this moment. He wanted to savor it, remember it forever. He wished it never had to end.

Eventually, he pulled the gift from the bag slowly, he’s mouth dropping in awe at what it was.

It was his goggles, the one he used to wear on his forehead to pretend he was a ninja before he got his headband, framed.

In your pretty little script, you’d written:

Long live the mountains you moved,

I’ve had the time of my life fighting dragons with you.

Long live the look on your face,

And bring on all the pretenders.

One day, you will be remembered.

xoxo

Naruto was speechless; the gesture was so thoughtful it blew his mind. You believed in him. You really did. He thought about what you said, wished he could go back in time and tell himself that is was all going to be worth it. That one day, he’d never be alone, never feel that pain again. He would be happy beyond his wildest dreams. “This is… This is…” He looked up at you through blurry eyes. “I don’t know what to say… I thought I lost these.” He told you.

“I found them when we moved,” you explained to Naruto. “You hadn’t mentioned them, so I decided to save them to frame. For this moment.”

Naruto stared down at the goggles in his hands. “This is the best gift ever… Really. You don’t know how much this means to me. I’m going to put it in my office, look at it everyday…” His gaze trailed up to meet yours. “Until we have our first kid. Then I’m gonna give it to them.”

Your heart began to flutter, your lips trembling. “O-our first kid?” Naruto nodded, grinning at you.

“I think it’ll be a boy. And he can wear them just like I did, until he graduates the academy. He’ll make it the first time, unlike me. And even if he doesn’t, it’ll be okay. I’ll practice with him until he’s confident and strong enough to pass.”

Placing the frame aside, he pulled you to him, lifting you so you were straddling his lap. His arms wrapped around your waist as he rested his face in the crook of your neck, breathing you in as he quivered just barely.

“What about after that?” You asked Naruto, wrapping your arms around his neck and threading your fingers through his hair. “I want three boys, all mini yous. The older two will be crazy like you, loud and hyper and determined…”

“And the third will be like you,” Naruto finished. “He’ll be kind, gentle but fierce. And a kick ass ninja. And they’ll all get the goggles, so we have to space them out just enough. It’ll be a tradition!” You could see by the excitement in his eyes that he meant it. The two of you had talked about a future together before, of course. But not like this. This felt different. It was there now, just ahead of the two of you.

“We could start now…” Naruto teased, his hands once again trailing over your body as he grinded himself against you.

Feigning shocked, you gasped. “And have a child out of wedlock? How scandalous, Hokage-sama…” You joked, as if you could care less about doing things “traditionally.” You didn’t need traditional. It was you and Naruto forever; there was no doubt in your mind about it.

“Of course! Our first little guy is gonna be our ring bearer.” Naruto told you as if it was obvious. “Maybe even help me when I finally put the ring on your finger…” Naruto took your hand, lacing your fingers together as he examined the ring finger. “Gonna get you the biggest rock in the village. You’re gonna need sunglasses when you look at it, it’ll be so bright.”

He was ridiculous, this man you loved so much. “You know I don’t need that. Only you.”

Naruto smiled. “I know.”

You loved this, talking about your future. It was unfolding before you so vividly. “Tell me more,” you insisted, still playing with his hair. “How are you going to propose?”

Naruto laughed, shaking his head. “Nice try,” He teased. “That’s a surprise. But if you really want, I’ll tell you about our wedding…”

You, of course, nodded in earnest. “Tell me,” You practically begged, making him laugh and kiss you.

“It’s gonna be the biggest party of the year. Everyone’s gonna be there. We’ll pull out all the stops… Kakashi can officiate. Our little guy will carry the rings down the aisle… I’m gonna say vows that will make you cry…” You laughed, shaking your head.

“MY vows will make YOU cry,” you countered, and he just shushed you because he knew you were right.

“Anyways,” he laughed. “After the ceremony, we’ll have a huge reception. Music, food, dancing, games. Ninja games, and I’m gonna win them all, obviously, because I’m the hokage…” He grinned at you. “Everyone’s gonna be having the best time… But, when it’s in the full swing of things, everyone’s drunk and distracted, I’m gonna pull you away…”

To emphasize his point, he pulled you closer into him. A hand gripped in your hair as he pulled you into a deep kiss. “Cause I’m so in love. And somehow, that night, I’m gonna find even more* love for you, even though I can’t imagine my heart being able to handle all that…” He murmured against your lips.

“I’m gonna pull you away to have you all to myself. To admire you. To kiss you. To make love to you. It’s gonna be official. You’ll be all mine forever…”

And honestly? When Naruto said forever, it didn’t sound too bad. It sounded like an adventure, a never ending story. It would be a wild ride you never wanted to get off of.

Tomorrow, Naruto would become Hokage. He would achieve his dreams, and you would be right there by his side for it all.

But right now, there was just the two of you. Together, in love. Supporting each other through it all.

That much would never change.

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tales-unique · 3 years

Text

FAITH, LOST III

I gave myself a small case of blue balls with this chapter, I apologize! It gets a little, ahem, spicy. ❤️

Edit: @chelseareferenced forgot to tag my boo! Sorry love!

Chapter 3

Lords grant you mercy you were going to kill him if he didn’t let you out. Heisenberg had, quite quickly, established a set of ground rules that you were to adhere to at all times when in the Factory, the most notable being that you weren’t to leave the upper floors without him under any circumstances. This, of course, left you alone for the majority of your time there since he never allowed you to aid him in his work.

You’ll just get in my way — he’d sneer at you, patting your head in a condescending manner. Not to mention the Lycans have a preference for young, supple devotees — he would tease you, wiggling his gloved fingers at you from inside in the elevator, chuckling to himself as he descended into the bowels of the factory to continue his projects. You had no idea what he was creating down there, but you knew that it often didn’t work out as planned from the way he’d fume when he returned. Once again you have been left to your own devices, only this time you have a way to alleviate at least some of your boredom. With a huff of effort you slide to the floor and crawl over to an old vent duct in the wall. It had caught your attention one night when the echoing of his voice through the shaft had woken you up, realizing that one of his work rooms below you was connected to yours via this duct. Though it provided you with minimal entertainment, it did give you insight to the type of work he did. Experiments; this was where he made the Lycans and the other twisted creatures that roamed his Factory. One night, against your better judgement, you had read an extract from an open journal on his desk when trying to make yourself useful. It mentioned something called Soldats and an army he was trying to create. You were lucky that you had moved away from it to straighten his sheets, otherwise he would have caught you red handed. Not that he was happy to have you in his space at all. “Fuck!” The loud cursing pulls you back to reality and you peer down the shaft expectantly, gripping the grate that covers it as you listen to Heisenberg rant about his latest creation being a failure. He had a tendency to speak out loud, likely recording his findings. The echo of his boots thudding against the metal floor betrays his movements and you follow it along the floor until you can’t hear it anymore. It means one of two things; either he’s leaving the Factory altogether or he’s coming back up. Quickly, you get to your feet and smooth down your clothes; a pair of simple trousers and a tunic top. You’d managed to scrounge up the modest outfit with the help of the ever amicable and charming Duke after a rather abrupt introduction from Heisenberg. Begrudgingly he allowed you to pick whatever you deemed necessary, and even a few luxuries like a fancy hand mirror, even though he complained that you were going to bankrupt him. It didn’t stop him lingering nearby, supervising the exchange through the puffs of cigar smoke. It was on your return to the upper levels, Heisenberg fancying the stairs instead of the elevator this time, that you’d properly come into contact with the Lycans. You weren’t sure what possessed him to give you a glimpse of inner workings of his Factory. Maybe it was another cheap shot at frightening you, or maybe it was pride that drove him to parade his creations before you. Needless to say, they did scare you. The lower reaches of the Factory was their domain and as you followed Heisenberg closely, his one clear instruction, you couldn’t help but feel their eyes watching you from afar. They snarled and growled and howled at your intrusion, sniffing the air curiously. It was rare for their Master to bring something new to their den and not let them tear it limb from limb. You were quick to beg him to take you back to the relative safety of the upper floors, which he did so with immense satisfaction and shit-eating grin on his face. The sound of the elevator dings and you come to stand in the doorway, watching him stalk out as soon as the gate opens, muttering heatedly to himself. In typical Heisenberg fashion he stalks right past you and into his office without so much as a grunt of acknowledgment. Clearly someone was having a bad day. Steeling yourself, you pad gently to his office door and find that he’s left it open for once. A good sign. Usually if his mood is dangerously sour the door is slammed shut and you avoid him like the plague until he makes himself known, but that isn’t necessary this time. “Is everything alright?” You ask from the threshold, careful not to enter until you’re invited. Like the ever faithful woman you are you try to serve him as best you can, even if he does make it very difficult at times. Heisenberg sits in his metal chair, leaning back. His stance is exasperated, but the tight grip on the shot of liquor in his hand is angry. His hat and coat have been discarded on his bed, his glasses sit on the desk, and you see blood on his knuckles. Upon closer inspection you see the trails of splatter on his exposed forearms, his shirt sleeves having been rolled up while he was working no doubt. “Yeah,” he breathes, raising the glass in a mock toast, “I’m just dandy.” He is definitely not dandy. Toying with the prospect of overstepping the mark or remaining respectful to his status, you rock on the balls of your feet. On one hand he always seemed so annoyed when you’d remind him that you were there to serve him, as Mother Miranda had instructed, but on the other he often chastised you if you tried to take the initiative; frankly, the constant push and pull drove you mad. “Heisenberg,” you chide quietly, approaching him cautiously. He hated it when you called him my Lord, or even sir, heatedly telling you to just call him by his surname like everyone else did. You obeyed, accepting it as the happy medium. Vibrant green eyes watch you closely as you settle for leaning against the desk, careful not to disturb the organized chaos that was his research. It’s still a work in progress, the way you navigate around one another, but you’re slowly making progress. “You can talk to me, you know,” you remind him, trying to remain resolute under his intense stare. There’s no denying that his rugged appearance, scars and all, are attractive and his more wolfish qualities gave him a uniqueness that was equal parts exciting and intimidating. You swallow nervously at the notion that you may be growing a little too comfortable in your thoughts of Lord Heisenberg. “Is that right?” He hums, knocking back the shot in one. He sets the glass down slowly on the desk, lulling you into a false sense of security that you had no business having in that place. In an instant he’s up on his feet and towering over you, hands braced on either side of you. You stiffen at the sudden closeness, looking up at him with a startled expression; he always gets a kick out of scaring you. “And just what would we talk about?” Comes his veiled question, shrouded in feigned innocence, asked in a voice like sin. You can practically feel the static in the air, the room electrified. He’s trying to tempt you, to trip you up so you’ll fall into his trap and make a fool of yourself. It’s a game he likes to play. That little hummingbird caged within you is in full flight when he runs a clawed finger gently down your cheek, the threat of him slipping and slicing your flesh too real to ignore. Oh, how he finds your fear so tantalizing. Your lips part in a shaky exhale, chest tight with the onset of emotions you’d really not want to be unpacking right now. The metal edge of his desk digs into the back of your thighs, boxed in by his large frame. This close you can feel the heat that emanates from him, a consistent wave, that mingles with the scent of oil, leather, and something wholly him. It leaves you reeling, panicked by the unsettling notion that you like it. You’re losing the game so early on and he knows it, even though it was rigged from the start to be in his favour. Just at the point when you’re about to crumble, your body yearning for that delectable touch to trail just that little bit lower, Heisenberg cuts you off. It’s cold and efficient, with all the precision you’d expect from someone of his talents. With a low, downright sinful chuckle he takes a step back, leaving you a wide-eyed, wanton mess. He’s won and you just let him do it. Colour burns shamefully on your cheeks and you’re quick to scamper away to hide in your room, proverbial tail between your legs. You’re furious that you made things so easy for him to play you, and play you he did. Utter fool. Little did you know that the fourth, and most dangerous, Lord had played himself for a fool too.

#RE #RE8 #RE 8 #Resident Evil #Resident Evil 8 #Resident Evil 8 Village #RE Imagine #RE Imagines #RE8 Imagine #RE8 Imagines #Resident Evil Imagine #Resident Evil Imagines #Karl Heisenberg #Karl Heisenberg Imagine #Karl Heisenberg Imagines #Karl Heisenberg x Reader #Heisenberg Imagine #Heinsenberg Imagines #Heisenberg x Reader

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jiminiesfavouritecolourisblue · 3 years

Text

I’ll spend a lifetime getting over you - Jimin au Drabble

Angst below

There’s an empty feeling sitting heavy in your chest. You wonder why you’re here, why you were so prideful in showing your face so no questions could be asked as to why you’d be missing your best friend’s rehearsal dinner.

There’s still time, you think to yourself, the wedding was tomorrow, tonight you could escape and never face Jimin again. The more you thought about it the more deeper the heaviness sat. You couldn’t muster the energy to smile, everything was pulling you down. You told yourself you were happy for him, but you lied. You were in love with your best friend, had been for years, and he was marrying someone else.

Words were stuck in your throat as people greeted you, trying to swallow down the sobs making its way up your throat. This was a mistake, an overwhelming, horrible mistake. Maybe you could’ve kept it together for the ceremony, why did you come to this?

He didn’t notice you, you didn’t want him to. He had his arm wrapped around his soon to be wife, and the way he smiled at her... made you want to cry. Why were you so in love with a man you could never have? You always told yourself not to confess, not to rock the boat, it was better that Jimin was in your life as a friend than not at all. Regret filled every inch of your body, radiating off your skin like a bad smell, the constant thought of what if. What if I had said something before he met her? What if he liked me back? What if I had been brave enough? There was no point in thinking about it now, it was far too late.

Part of you blamed him, hated him, how did he not see how much you loved him? And then a thought ran across your mind, maybe he did, maybe he didn’t care. Anyone could see the look of plain devotion you had for the man, how did he miss it?

There’s a tug on your arm that pulls you out of the black hole you were sinking into, you turn to find Taemin giving you a worried look. The best man knew of your long term crush on your mutual best friend, he had known about it for a long time. You hated the look of pity that he tried to hide, you wonder what you looked like to him in that moment, avoiding your reflection in his eyes.

“Need to talk y/n?” He asks gently, but you shake your head. The only person you wanted to talk to was the only person you couldn’t tell. The worst part of it was, you knew in your heart you could never get over Jimin, you already tried, it had been years since you fell, and somehow you were still falling.

You knew Jeongyeon was good for him, in ways you could never be, but she’d never know him the way you did. Every flaw, every mistake, every time he needed picking up, you were there and despite seeing him at his worst, your heart still wanted Park Jimin. You were the one he always turned to, and as wrong as you knew it was, you were afraid you would stop being that person for him, and she would take even that.

“Come on Y/n,” Taemin nudges you. “Let’s get out of here for a second, okay?”

You’re so stuck in your thoughts you don’t notice him taking your hand to lead you away from the happy crowd, away from the man that caused this rift, but Jimin noticed. He takes you upstairs out to the open air of the balcony hoping it would bring you back onto the ground and into your senses. The air was cold but you were shivering long before it hit your skin.

Taemin doesn’t know what to say to you to make this better, you’d been putting on such a good front for the past few years he thought your feelings for Jimin had disappeared. He realised how wrong he was tonight with the way you held yourself, you were so strong to have acted the way you had for so long, tonight was too much for you. He doesn’t hesitate to bring his arms around you as you shake, remembering how Jimin said you didn’t feel safe enough to cry unless someone was holding you. On cue as soon as you were in his embrace you let the flood gates open and whimpered into his shirt.

“I’m so sorry Y/n,” he tries to comfort you but he knows there’s nothing he can say. “I didn’t realise you still...”

He sighs deeply, when you were all younger, all your friends thought you and Jimin were going to end up together. It was never said in front of you both but anyone who saw the two of you would’ve thought you were soulmates. How did it end up like this? His fiancée was lovely, but she wasn’t you. They all thought it, no one could understand how the universe got it so wrong.

“You should’ve told him Y/n,” he says. “You can still tell him, get it off your chest, get some closure, let him know you’re an option.”

You shake your head immediately, frowning at how Taemin could say such a thing.

“I’m not doing that to him,” your voice is hoarse between sobs that your try to retain. “He’s never looked so happy...”

You sniffle loudly as more tears find their way out of you as you think to yourself, you could never make him that happy.

“How does he not know Taemin?” You pound your fist against his chest in anger and defeat. “He knows me better than anyone else, how does he not see I’m completely and utterly in love with him?”

His arms are still wrapped around you as you wail into your hands that come to cover your face away from the world and reality you lived in. You don’t hear the sharp intake of breath from the man that was listening out of sight. You don’t see the way he reveals himself and walks onto the balcony where his best man held you.

“Jimin....” Taemin breathes in shock, swallowing nervously as you freeze in his hold. You can hear your heart in your ears as a hand grabs your arm and pulls you away from his friend’s grasp. You don’t uncover your face, you can’t bring yourself to look at him, you can’t do this, you really can’t deal with this at all.

“Taemin can you give us a minute?” You’ve never heard him sound like this before, his words sounded heavy, like they fell out of his mouth and onto the floor. You can hear steps fade away from you and you knew you were alone with the one man you didn’t want to face right now. How could you get out of this? How could you explain? You’re too in shock to cry, you didn’t expect him to find you like this, but now he had, what do you do?

He pries your hands away from your face, forcing you to greet his calm, almost stoic features but you can see the little flashes of emotion in his eyes, in the little twitches of his muscles. Disappointment, anger, something else you couldn’t put your finger on yet, but you’d seen something similar in the mirror; heartbreak. You feel so small in his gaze, what are you supposed to say?

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asks, tone almost angry. He watches your bottom lip tremble, your eyes weeping from the corners as you looked up at him, broken.

“What difference would it have made?” You whimper, and he thinks you’re so stupid. You’re both so stupid. How were you both so blind not to see the way you felt for each other? His grip tightens on your wrist as he tries to ground himself from losing it.

You’re shocked to see his mouth wobbling, the first sign he was about to cry. Was it out of pity for you? Your heart didn’t hope it was for anything else.

“All this time,” he whispers, unable to raise his voice with how full his throat felt with tears. “I thought you didn’t love me the way I loved you...”

Every bit of air leaves your lungs as his words sink in. You feel empty hearing what you’ve wanted to hear after so long, but the reality was still surrounding you. This confession came too late. You were both too late.

“Every time I made a move to let you know how I felt, you pushed me away,” he said with frustration as he remembered all those moments. He told you you were his ideal type, he told you you were the only girl for him, he told you you meant the world to him. What did you think each time if you did feel the same? That he was joking? What could’ve been going through that head of yours when he made it painstakingly obvious he was in love with you.

“I thought... you were joking,” you say numbly, I pushed you away to protect myself because I thought you were joking.

He groans in irritation, letting go of your wrists to run his hand through his hair. It was his fault too, he always said it in a playful manner... to protect himself in case you didn’t feel the same. He cursed himself in that second, he’d curse himself for the rest of his life, why didn’t he tell you? Why did the thought of putting himself out there for you make him feel so vulnerable that he never could? You had seen every part of him, why did he choose to hide the most important part away from your eyes?

“I don’t know what to do,” he confesses, looking to you as he always did for the answers.

You clench your hands into fists, digging your nails into your skin to keep the fresh tears at bay while you fixed your mess. You take a breath.

“You’re going to go downstairs,” you tell him. “You’re going to kiss your fiancé and tell her how lucky you are to have someone who isn’t a coward to love you.”

Your struggle to keep your voice from trembling.

“You’re going to get married tomorrow,” your voice breaks as the dam bursts but you fight through the onslaught of sobs and how you shatter into dust as you speak. “Because she loves you, and you love her, and what you have is real. Don’t you dare let some what if get in the way of your happiness Jimin. Because she does make you happy in a way I never could.”

#bts au #bts fanfic #bts fic #bts angst #bts x reader #bts scenarios #jimin au #jimin one shot #jimin angst #jimin x reader #jimin drabble #bts drabble #jimin imagine #bts jimin ff #bts fanfiction #jimin bestfriend au

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corpsedaydream · 3 years

Text

point of view

corpse husband x reader

word count: 2.4k

_______________________________

pov

Growing up, you’d spent so many afternoon and nights in your childhood bedroom scribbling down notes into diaries. Some of it was reality, some of it was fantasy, but all of it was you. Once you were done, you would hide the journals all over your room, they were for your eyes only but your brother use to have a habit of finding them and reading them and teasing you if you happened to write about a boy you had a crush on.

Ironically, when you’d first started talking to Corpse, before he became your boyfriend, your brother had caught you sending him some heart emojis, and even as grown ups, he still teased you about it.

You weren’t surprised that hadn’t changed, but something that did change that did take you by surprise is how that hobby of writing brought you to where you were in your career.

You were on your way to your boyfriends place and in the passenger seat of your car was a CD. In a very early 2000s style, there was writing scribbled onto it done with a black sharpie and the letters read, ‘POV demo’. You could feel nervous butterflies gathering in your stomach as you neared closer and closer to Corpse’s place.

You’d had an incredible past few days. Writing always felt like something for fun, never something that would actually be a career prospect but when your YouTube videos of you sharing your original song ideas started to take off, people started to notice. Someone in particular being Ariana Grande. She’d fallen in love with your writing style and wanted to work with you to create a song for her next album, so of course you graciously and excitedly agreed.

It seemed you and Ariana were in similar phases of your life, both falling in love with someone who seemed so perfect for you. So the song came so easily for you, all you had to do was think of Corpse.

Your car came to a stop out the front of his place and you took in a few deep breaths as you unbuckled your seatbelt and picked up the CD from beside you. You’d written about Corpse before, but never something that was as confessional and honest as this song was.

Will he even like it? You thought to yourself and for a second you contemplated placing the CD under your car to run over it to destroy it. But you wanted him to hear it before it was released to the world. So with one last deep breath you shook your head to try to send the nervous thoughts to the back part of your brain as you exited your car with the disc that had the song on it in hand.

The time between knocking on his front door and him coming to open it had never felt this long before. You were chewing on your bottom lip and your forefinger was picking at the corner of your thumb nail as you anxiously waited. Then when the door opened, you spoke up before Corpse even had a chance to greet you. “I have a surprise for you!” You blurted out as you stepped inside and avoided bumping into him.

Corpse had a humoured yet confused expression as he watched you slip past him, usually you greeted each other with an exchange of touch, but you were barely looking at him right now and seemingly keeping your distance. “What-”

“No, please don’t say anything.” You held your hand up that wasn’t holding the CD as a signal to shoosh your boyfriend. “I have to show you right now before I change my mind.” You were visibly nervous, he could see it so clearly in you right now, so he listened and kept quiet. He wanted you to feel okay, but now you had spiked his curiosity, he had to know what the surprise was. “Can I put a disc in this?” You asked as you walked to a laptop that sat on his coffee table and sat down on the floor to place the CD beside it so you could inspect.

“A disc for what?” He was puzzled by the question.

“Just answer!” You didn’t mean to snap at him, this was supposed to be a good surprise, but god your heart was beating so fast and it felt like it was lodged in your throat. You were about to spill your heart out to him like you never had before and you were terrified of a potential rejection if he thought it was too much. Instead of questioning or arguing or snapping back at you, he neared you instead. Corpse could see your hands shaking a little and you were hunched in on yourself. Usually you were the confident one of the two of you so seeing you in this insecure state was something he wasn’t exactly used to. However, he had seen it before, but only a very few times. As confident and bright as you were, he’d been slowly learning your more deep seeded fears and vulnerabilities, so he was learning how to handle it when you were in a state like this.

“Hey,” He called for your attention as he crouched down beside you his voice ever so calm, one of his hands coming to land on the small of your back and his other grabbed hold of one of your hands. “Look at me.” Finally, you did. With your bottom lip caught between your teeth you turned your head and found his gaze, your eyes flickered between his, you were still so nervous. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“I mean, yeah, I am. I’m just-” You cut yourself off and you broke away from his gaze.

“Just what?”

“Scared.”

At that answer, his hand on your back rounded around you further as he let go of your hand so he could instead shift closer to you again and use that hand to bring it to the side of your face, encouraging you to turn to him again. “Why are you scared?”

“I’ve really just got to show you this.” Was the only answer you could give him without spoiling what the surprise was.

“Do you want to?” How badly he wanted to know what the surprise was, but he wouldn’t push for it if it caused you to be more on edge.

“Yeah.” You answered him and he smiled before leaning in to kiss you.

“Go ahead then, baby.” Corpse told you after you broke apart, his hands falling from you as you scooted forward to be in front of the laptop and he leant back against the couch.

One last time, you looked back at him over your shoulder, you were more in front of him now, but he was still within an arms length. He nodded fervently at you, watching with interest as turned your attention back to the laptop and opened the device and inserted the disc. With a few clicks, the beginning of the song started to play and you dropped your vision to your hands that sat in your lap before the first lyrics were sung.

It's like you got superpowers Turn my minutes into hours You got more than 20-20, babe

Hearing this, Corpse sucked in a quick breath, it was clicking in his mind what the surprise was.

Made of glass the way you see through me

He directed his gaze to the back of your head, how he wished he could see your face right now, but he knew you must have needed to be facing away from him right now to feel okay with doing this.

You know me better than I do Can't seem to keep nothing from you How you touch my soul from the outside? Permeate my ego and my pride

You spent so much time laughing and joking around, you were a very playful person and sometimes, you found it hard to get more serious. Corpse had been one of the only people to be able to see through this, to be able to reach a more exposed part of you. And as he listened to those lyrics, he recounted a time the two of you were wine drunk and and it was one of the first times you’d ever really opened up to him. But then right after, you’d attempted to laugh it off and he stopped you and made you feel okay with not having to seem like you were at 100% all the time, especially with him.

I wanna love me The way that you love me Ooh, for all of my pretty And all of my ugly too I'd love to see me from your point of view I wanna trust me The way that you trust me Ooh, 'cause nobody ever loved me like you do I'd love to see me from your point of view

The chorus played and Corpse couldn’t help himself, he leant forward slightly to make contact with your elbow. And even though nothing was said, you understood fully what he wanted, because you did too. Your hand left your lap and without turning your head towards him, you reached your arm behind you, he grabbed your hand once more, intertwining your fingers with his.

I'm gеtting used to receiving Still gеtting good at not leaving I'ma love you even though I'm scared

These lyrics caused his hand to squeeze tighter around yours. It was only a few weeks ago the two of you had a pretty big fight, although it was only born out of fear and it ended in tears. When you were apologising, you’d told him you were so happy he was still with you and you’d also opened up to him about how with every past relationship, you never let yourself get in too deep, you always made a run for it before your heart was too in it. But you didn’t want that to happen with Corpse.

Learning to be grateful for myself You love my lips 'cause they say the Things we've always been afraid of I can feel it starting to subside Learning to believe in what is mine

The chorus began to play again and Corpse tugged on your hand.

I wanna love me The way that you love me Ooh, for all of my pretty And all of my ugly too I'd love to see me from your point of view

At first, you didn’t respond, and he really didn’t want to interrupt the song, but he wanted you to be in his arms so badly. “Come here.” He tugged again and this time, you finally moved. Your hands broke apart as you scooted back to sit beside him where he was still leaning against the couch and as soon as you were there, his arms came around you, pulling you in so close.

I wanna trust me The way that you trust me Ooh, 'cause nobody ever loved me like you do I'd love to see me from your point of view

Your heart was beating so hard and your cheeks were flushed as you nestled your head into his neck.

I couldn't believe it, or see it for myself Know I be impatient, but now I'm out here Falling, falling, frozen, slowly thawing, got me right

His arms were around you so tight and your emotions were running so high. Tears were pooling in your eyes as your hand grabbed ahold of his shirt, the material pulling taut as your hand tightened into a fist over the material.

I won't keep you waiting All my baggage fading, safely And if my eyes deceive me Won't let them stray too far away

Corpse turned his head in order to be able to press his lips against your forehead as the chorus begun to play out one last time.

I wanna love me The way that you love me Ooh, for all of my pretty And all of my ugly too

Just like earlier, one of his hands would come to cup around the side of your face, encouraging you to look at him again. With his aid, you’d move your head out from the hiding spot you’d found in the form of his neck.

I'd love to see me from your point of view

Corpse swiped his thumb across your cheeks upon seeing that a few tears had spilled over the edges of your eyelids, you were still keeping your eyesight down.

I wanna trust me, ooh The way that you trust me, baby

He’d dip his head then, still trying to connect eye contact. You’d glance up and much to your surprise, tears had begun to bubble in Corpse’s eyes too. You’d let out the softest gasp and your hand would lift to grab a hold of his wrist of his hand that was still cradling the side of your face.

'Cause nobody ever loved me like you do

As the songs last lines were playing, the two of you moved your faces closer together to meet for a passionate kiss.

I'd love to see me from your point of view

The both of you poured every emotion you were currently feeling into the physical display of love and adoration. Deepening the kiss, you’d kneel up briefly so you could climb into his lap and sling your arms around his neck and his arm would tighten around you.

When you both parted to catch a breath, you’d have your foreheads resting against one another until you lift your head back up to look at Corpse properly.

“Did you like it?”

He smiled and shook his head in disbelief at your question, how could you not know that the answer already? “I loved it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

“It’s everything I’ve always wanted to say to you.” Yet again, you moved your eyes away from his.

He could see that still, you were feeling vulnerable about sharing the song with him. “Baby,” And once again, he was using his hand against the side of your face to coax your eyesight back to his. “It was perfect.” He assured you and he would feel so pleased to finally see a smile appearing on your face. “Should we only communicate in songs now?” He’d joke and he’d feel even more delighted to hear you laugh.

“I love you.” You’d tell him.

“I love you, too.” He’d reply.

“No, like, I really fucking love you.”

“I get it, because I really fucking love you.”

The both of you would laugh again and when it subsided, you shared another kiss.

“Play the song again.”

#corpse #corpse husband #corpse x reader #corpse husband fanfiction #corpse husband imagine #i hope it tags this time :( :( :(#writing #request #mine

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