#i could only choose 12 women i am so sorry about everyone who is missing.......

[catgirljaneway]

i'm sorry about this one guys

#i could only choose 12 women i am so sorry about everyone who is missing....... #i am trying #anyways my jurassic park star trek poll ended so i thought i'd make another and this seemed like the logical next step #trek thoughts #star trek poll #star trek #voyager #captain janeway #nyota uhura #seven of nine #jadzia dax #kira nerys #b'elanna torres #leeta #grilka #t'pring #guinan #the borg queen #ds9 #voy #tng #tos #star trek women

[spike-and-faye]

Hello, I require your infinite wisdom please!! :O So I just finished cowboy bebop and I am so confused like who the fuck was Julia. WHAT was Faye's past. I literally never process tv shows and the bebop was not immune to my stupidity LMAO like... I guess the ending just really confused me, from what I gathered Spike and Vicious were friends? But then they weren't? And Julia dated Vicious but also Spike? And he? Went after Vicious even after Julia had died? I am Confusion. Please help. Thank u...

Oh BABEY I am so glad you asked! :) Be prepared for a long answer and I apologize in advance for how incoherent it will probably be.

ALSO Please note: this show is fucking complicated. I have watched it all the way through several times a year, every single year, for over a decade now, and I am *STILL* finding new shit every time I watch it. It's packed with symbols, motifs, allusions and underlying themes that are just so rich. It is so extraordinarily well-written that it could give a lot of classic literature a run for its money. I'm literally working on an in depth literary/film analysis my husband lovingly calls my Manifesto on the series right now. SO PLEASE don't beat yourself up about not catching everything on the first go round.

HEY BTW for anyone who hasn't finished the show, please know there will be MANY spoilers ahead!

Anyways ~

1.     Spike / Julia / Vicious:

The information we get on Spike's past, including Vicious and Julia, is pretty limited considering how big of an impact they have on the story. We get our first glimpse in Session 1: Asteroid Blues, then again in Session 5: Ballad of Fallen Angels, Sessions 12 + 13: Jupiter Jazz, and Sessions 25 + 26: Real Folk Blues. I recommend reviewing these episodes for you Julia and Vicious fix.

What we know:

Spike and Vicious were both members of an organized crime syndicate called the Red Dragons, which is roughly analogous to the Yakuza or the Mafia. Their positions in the organization are not clear, but there are some images alluding to them being hitmen, and they likely rose up in the ranks as they were close acquaintances of Mao Yenrai, a Capo of the Red Dragon.

Spike and Vicious were close comrades. Spike taught Vicious everything he knew about fighting, and the two had a deep trust in each other. Which Spike fucked up ….

^^Vicious looks hot asf here

Julia was Vicious' lover/girlfriend. One night in 2068 (three years prior to the time we watch in the Bebop) Spike is injured, presumably from a syndicate-related fight and he passes out in front of her door. She takes him in and nurses him back to health and he SIMPS HARD for her. We’re all but told he's in LOVE love with her. They start an affair, and Spike tells her he's ready to abandon the whole life - the syndicate, Vicious, Mao, all of it - and they could run away together.

WELL Vicious finds out about this whole affair, and is DOUBLY betrayed because his literal best friend and girlfriend have been having an affair, and tbh I think he was just as jealous of Spike's attentions as he was of Julia's. (Whether or not it’s a sexual thing for Spike … well … I have my own headcanons about that). SO when he finds out they're going to run away together, he gives Julia an ultimatum: you can either kill him, or I'll just kill you both. Spike had written her a letter about meeting him in the graveyard to start their new life together, which she tears up to hide his location from Vicious. (This is the falling ripped up pieces of paper we see in Spike's flash back in Session 5).

^^ r/gifsyoucanhear

**NOTE: There are those who disagree with this view, (looking at you Cowboy Bebop wiki) instead suggesting Vicious and Spike were buds in the past, but then hated each other once they were both considered as potential successors to Mao. That's why Vicious wanted him dead, and he was enlisting Julia (who he didn't necessarily have a romantic connection to) to help kill Spike since he knew Spike loved her. Personally, I think there is plenty of evidence that Vicious also wanted Julia, and in fact was already with her, when Spike started seeing her. If you want me to cite my sources please send an me an ask about it :)

Spike gets the idea, whether by her just not showing up or word around the syndicate being like YO Vicious wants you dead. Despite Vicious' ultimatum to Julia, he was gunna kill Spike either way. SO he sets up an ambush, and SadBoy™ Spike walks intentionally into their trap. Somehow, he doesn't die, though the entire syndicate thinks he did. (Note Annie's reaction to seeing him alive in Session 5). It’s also implied that this is where he lost his eye.

HIS EYE - possibly the most important symbol in the show so I do have to mention it. In episode 26, he explicitly explains to Faye that one of his eyes only sees the past. (PS this isn't dissimilar to Jet's arm… we can get into that another time). Basically, he's constantly living halfway in the past and halfway in the present, and describes the past like a dream he can never wake up from. Because dysfunctional or not - the syndicate WAS his family. (Again - see his relationship with Annie, Mao, and Vicious (prior to Spike's betrayal)). It's his reminder that Julia didn't run away with him, and that he'd left behind that life for her. (He didn’t know she was being threatened until the final episode). Basically Spike is hyper-fixated on what he had and what could've been.

Not long after this, Spike starts bounty hunting because like? What else is he going to do. He doesn't care if he lives or dies but if he has to be alive, he may as well be able to eat. He joins up with Jet Black on the Bebop.

TL; DR: Spike stole Vicious' lover, Julia, so Vicious made Julia choose between her killing Spike or Vicious killing them both. She instead went into hiding and Spike thought he'd been stood up. He fake died and got the hell outta dodge.

2.     What was Faye's past?

Ok let me start by saying Faye is my wife and my life. HOWEVER I hated her the first time I watched this show circa age 13 because I thought she was annoying/vain/shallow (also because #internalizedmisogyny lol am I right fam). Good news! She is all those things! But she's also very lonely and scared and an amnesiac and secretly a sweetie and she realizes she loves the crew of the Bebop like family.

SO my wife's backstory:

she was born in the 1990s (#only90skidsremember). There's some debate over her race/nationality, but due to the images of her hanging out in Merlion Park in Singapore, my bet is that she's Singaporean. She comes from a wealthy family with a big house, and we see some utterly *adorable* film of her as a child/young adolescent in Session 18: Speak Like a Child. I cry everytime </3

^^ Holla for the representation

In 2014, circa age 20, she and her parents were going into space when the shuttle they were on had some kind of malfunction/accident and it killed an unknown number of people, including her parents. At the time, the technology didn’t exist to be able to save her, so she was put into a cryogenic sleep state. Meanwhile, the Lunar Gate accident occurs, breaking up the moon and causing rock showers on Earth's surface. Most people died, moved to Mars, or settled underground.

She wakes up from her cryogenic sleep in 2068. (Also the year Spike leaves the syndicate.) She's 'woken' by the corrupt Dr. Bacchus who plans on charging her for the years and years of medical debt she's accrued. (See Session 15: My Funny Valentine.) Luckily a lawyer takes interest in her case (Whitney Haggus Matsumoto) and tries to help get rid of her debt. The two fall in love, but turns out Whitney is a Scumbag. He's actually Dr. Bacchus's nephew, and faked his death, writing Faye as the sole inheritor to his will. This means she'll take on all his debts. So baby girl has LOTS of debt at this point.

In the intervening years prior to her joining the Bebop, she gambles, cheats, gains a lot of street smarts, and adopts a very seductive character to get her way. She joins the crew on the Bebop in Session 3: Honky Tonk Women.

TL;DR: Faye is Austin powers

YIKES this is so long I am so sorry. Bitches are obsessed with this show. (I am bitches)

3.     The Ending

Okay I'm going to present this in the way, in my scholarly opinion, would be correct, though there are SO many interpretations other than simply 'Spike died :/".

To understand the plot of the last couple episodes we actually have to go back to Session 5: Mao is instructed* to sign a treaty with a rival syndicate called the White Tigers. (*He's instructed by The Van (Council of identical creepy old men) who are the actual head of the dragon. I think we only see them in Session 26.) Well - Vicious is a Bastard Man and he and his fellow mutineers blow up the White Tiger guys' ship and slit Mao's throat. Before he dies, Mao is like "Gotdamnit if Spike was still here this shit wouldn't have happened." Later in the Cathedral battle, Vicious explains to Spike he killed Mao because Mao 'lost his fangs'. He planned on killing Spike for good her, IMO, so there'd be no rival to take over as Capo for the Dragons.

^^These guys are The Van btw

THEN in Session 25, the Van basically catches Vicious and is like “you killed Mao and now you have to go to Time Out.” The Van also decides to just kill everyone associated with Vicious, just 2 B safe. That's why there's a big ass shootout at the Loser Bar where Jet and Spike are chilling, drinking, (missing Faye and Ed and Ein lol) and Shin (younger brother to Lin, who's helping Vicious overthrow the Dragon) explains all this to Spike. OH and PS JULIA IS ALIVE AND HERE IS HER LOCATION :). (**Notice Spike's reaction at this point is different than his reaction in Jupiter Jazz when he hears there's a Julia on Calisto. Much less excited… hmm…).

SO THEN you know we get some flashbacks of the past as previously explained *and* Julia just happens to run into Faye. She recognizes that Faye is one of Spike's friends from the Bebop (she was keeping tabs on him it seems) and picks her up. Faye doesn't know who Julia is but is like damn bitch I'm a little gay for you. (I mean … that may just be my bi ass projecting, but Faye is REALLY struck with her. Look at how she describes her to Jet, I mean come on.)

 Faye's like, 'we should team up' and Julia says 'no thanks but also tell Spike to meet me at *the place*'. Meanwhile back on the Bebop Spike and Jet are talking and Spike goes on about some dream woman who was his other half. (We assume he means Julia … I have my reasons to doubt this … I have a lot of angry DMs about my opinion here lol but I just do not give a fuck (: I can expand on this in another post or you can refer to the title of my fucking blog haha) Personally, I think Watanabe personally left this specific scene open ended, the same way he does with the ending and various other things.

more like SIMP Spiegel

ANYWAY Faye comes back to the Bebop to tell Spike about Julia, and Jet gets intel from a former cop buddy that there's some shit going down with the Dragons. (Again, the Van is hunting down everyone ever associated with Vicious, including your pal Spike). Bebop is attacked, Faye tells Spike what's up with Julia, and he heads out.

 PAN TO VICIOUS chained up - about to be executed - but what's that!? It's a bird!? It's a pla- no it's just a bird. (With one glowing red eye … hm … reminds me of Spike, also the drug Red Eye. Pls let me know if you have any thoughts on this). Just a bird with a BOMB! Explosion (RIP bird c. 2065 - too soon), Vicious kills the elders, his buddies show up and are ready to go fuck shit up.

this show could not be more of an aesthetic

MMMPhhh okay RAINY CEMETERY. Spike and Julia. She draws a gun, explains why she didn't meet him that day, and then hugs him. Now Spike is not *great* at showing his emotions but he literally just stands there. Maybe it's a stoic expression of how sad he is that he never knew she still cared, when it seemed like she dumped him. Maybe he's finally getting some closure on his past. Maybe the past doesn't mean the same thing it used to. (I'll elaborate later on this).

They go to Annie's to get stocked up on stuff, she lets them know she denied knowing Spike was still alive and hey also the Van was assassinated by Vicious and his guys so. Watch out for that. Then her shop is surrounded by Vicious' guys and she dies :(. Spike and Julia escape to the roof, but she's shot and dies in Spike's arms, and says 'it's all just a dream' :(. (Refer to: Spike living in a dream of the past).

Anyway Jet SAID he wasn't gunna go after Spike but. Jet's parental instincts kick in (oh yeah he was shot in the leg earlier btw) and he goes to Sitting Bull to see if he knows where Spike is. He basically says yeah Spike's about to die somewhere. (I want to do a further analysis on all the Sitting Bull scenes.) Well conveniently Spike returns to the Bebop, eats, tells his story about a tiger-striped cat. (At one point Jet asks if he's going there for her, and Spike is like well she's dead now so whatever). THEN we get to the scene where Faye is like HEY YOU CAN'T GO OFF AND DIE ASSHOLE and he's like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I 've been living in the past so I might as well see if I'm living now. (**This will play heavily into my interpretation of the ending). Faye is pissed, shoots the ceiling and he goes off to the syndicate headquarters to fuck shit up.

He basically John Wicks his way through the building, Shin dies, he and Vicious have the big boss battle and whatnot. He kills Vicious and stumbles back out down the stairs and says "Bang!" and collapses. We pan to the sky and see a star fade away.

Well that explains the plot … now here's what I think happened!!! ALSO may I mention, anon - you picked up on something I feel like a lot of people miss out on. Why *did* Spike go back to kill Vicious if Julia was already dead??

Basically, once it became clear that anyone associated with Vicious was being killed, Spike knew they'd hunt him down, and they weren't beneath Kill-Billing their way to him, (i.e. systematically destroying this companions to get to him). And for all his apparent indifference - he really loves his new found family. Jet is literally like an older brother to him. Ed is a little sister. Ein is well … a very good boy. And Faye? Well the relationship is complicated, and I'm not going to get into the 69,420 reasons I ship them here, but I think it is beyond argument that he really does care for her, even if that just in a filial way. He didn't want the syndicates to kill them for their association to him, or in order to get to him. So he did what he had to do to protect them. *AND NO* I am not saying that he didn't love Julia. But it was clear that his desire was no longer to run away with her. I think he genuinely loved and cared about her, but at some point between Jupiter Jazz Pt 2 and now, he accepted that their time together was over. Now he had a new raison d'etre, which is the Bebop.

I think at this point Spike has 'woken up' to reality (as he implied to Faye in their final conversation in episode 26: "Look at these eyes. One of them is a fake, because I lost it in an accident. Since then, I have been seeing the past in one eye, and the present in the other. I had believed that what I saw was not all of reality...I thought I was watching a dream that I would never awaken from. Before I knew it, the dream was all over." (This is from the sub btw I'm too lazy to look up the dub transcript.) He wasn't going there to die, he's going to find out if he's really alive. This line is fucking cool and everything - but it's implications are multitude. I won't go into them all here but basically : what makes him alive now is that he's free from his past. He's alive because he has this new family and protecting them is all he really wants now. Spike was protecting Jet, Faye, Ed, (and Ein) by going and facing the entire syndicate, knowing that their lives would all be in danger.

SO - did Spike die? Well again - Watanabe has purposely and artfully left this open ended. Well, if we're following the symbolism from Sitting Bull, then yeah, the man is as dead as disco, and wouldn't that be a fitting ending? BUT at the same time, Spike always refers to having 'died' before (meaning when he was ambushed by the syndicate, and they all thought he died, and he pretty much did). Don't forget that in  movie (takes places roughly between episodes 22 + 23, and yes, was made AFTER the series but whatever) he like .. DIES dies. He goes to the afterlife and everything. He wakes up to find he's chilling with Sitting Bull, who's like nah it wasn't your time to die yet. So the fact Sitting Bull confirms Spike will die in the final episode, means yeah, Spike is pretty much dead.

BUT -- okay now hear me out -- could this death in the final episode be a death to his previous life? The person he was in the syndicate? Now that he's extinguished the Red Dragons for good, is it not possible that its merely *that* life which has ended? That's the optimist in me saying that, but if it keeps me from staying up all night crying, I guess it'll have to do. Watanabe definitely wants to leave it up to the viewer, so whatever you think, I feel like there's validity to it.

WELL any anon, sorry for the fucking lecture - and believe me, I could've said MUCH, MUCH more - but I enjoyed this question. I always love talking about this show so please all you fuckers feel free to message me or send an ask about anything any time. I am really slow at replying because #life'sAbitch.

Love you all.

SY,SCB <3

#sorry for the long ass rant #i could seriously talk about this all day. #i even trimmed this down so much #cowboy bebop #fuck man this show is everything #spike spiegel #julia #faye valentine #jet black #vicious #radical ed #ein #<3 #spoilers #rant

[gendercensus]

Gender Census 2020: The Title Question

This report is the third in a series, analysing the >24,000 responses from the 2020 Gender Census question-by-question.

[ Report #1: On “enby” and age // Report #2: The Identity Question // Report #4: The Pronoun Question ]

~

This year’s Gender Census, aimed at everyone whose gender(s) or lack thereof are not adequately described by the gender binary of “always, solely and completely male OR always, solely and completely female”, was open from 12th February until 7th April 2020. There were 24,576 usable responses. (Unfortunately the spreadsheet of responses won’t be available until I’ve written up the report for every question, sorry about that!)

This report will summarise the responses for the second question, regarding honorific titles.

As in previous years, I asked:

Supposing all title fields on forms were optional and write-your-own, what would you want yours to be in English?

(Please note that you should currently be entitled to use it - for example, you should only enter Dr if you have a doctorate.)

There were 10 radio-button options presented in a random order, based on which answers were chosen by over 1% of participants last year:

No title at all

Mx

Mr

Non-gendered professional or academic title (eg: Dr, Rev)

Ms

Unknown

Miss

Ind (individual)

I choose my title on the day depending on how I'm feeling, even for long-term things like bank accounts

A standard title that is used only by people other than men and women

Here’s a graph of the results:

No title at all - 34.4% (up 1.4%)

Mx - 28.0% (down 3.3%)

Mr - 8.6% (down 0.1%)

Non-gendered prof/acad. - 5.3% (down 0.2%)

Ms - 4.9% (up 0.2%)

Unknown - 3.9% (up 0.4%)

Miss - 3.3% (up 0.2%)

Ind ("individual") - 3.3% (up 0.3%)

Choose on the day - 2.7% (up 0.5%)

A standard NB/GQ title - 2.6% (up 0.1%)

This year I collected rough information about age, in order to add type-ins that went over 1% among under-30s and/or over 30s, which means I was able to create this graph:

Some notes:

People over 30 were a lot more likely to prefer no title over Mx, but no title was preferred across the board.

Mr was more popular among under-30s, and Ms was more popular in over-30s.

People under 30 were more likely to choose “unknown”.

Over-30s were more likely to claim a non-gendered professional or academic title, such as Dr, Reverend, military titles, etc.

The most popular type-in title was M, with 40 entries (0.2%).

This is all fairly consistent with previous results, and nothing reliably stands out as particularly noteworthy on a long-term scale. Here’s the graph of how it compares to previous years:

You can see that the first two or three years are a bit squiffy, while we found our feet and added all the title options that needed to be there. (As we added options, “no title” became less popular.) Things settled down a lot from 2018 onwards, one year after the last title option was added. Identity words tend to fluctuate in popularity, as do pronouns, but titles are for some reason very consistent from year to year.

If you look at the pattern over the six years shown in the graph, Mx and “no title” have swapped places until the last two years, when Mx has been in decline - while titles such as Mr and Ms are increasing. Anecdotally, Mx has certainly been the “default” nonbinary title here in the UK, so I am wondering whether the dramatic increase in participants (11,000 last year, to 24,000 this year) might be a factor, as the survey leaves the geographical and social media bubbles more every year. Perhaps Mx is less popular further afield and outside of that bubble? I am curious to see what happens over the next few years. If I am able, this year I will make a UK-only report to find out how Mx has fared in the UK alone.

No typed titles were entered by over 1% of participants, so there will be no additions to the radio button list next year. All the provided specific titles were selected by at least 3% of participants in at least one of the under-30 and over-30 age groups. “I choose my title on the day” and “a standard nonbinary-exclusive title” have both been fluctuating at just under 3% for some years, but the title list is relatively short and those options will become very difficult to count if I don’t provide a pre-typed option for people, so I won’t remove them from the list next year.

The option "a standard title that is used only by people other than men and women” is also quite useful for further investigation. (I refer to it as a hypothetical “standard nonbinary-exclusive title” for convenience, but obviously one doesn’t need to identify as nonbinary to claim it and if the most popular identity word shifts from nonbinary to something else I will refer to it with the newly-popular word.) It sends relevant participants to a question that asks what that title is or might be.

641 participants (2.6%) said they preferred a standard nonbinary-exclusive title. When they did, they were taken to this question:

In the previous question you chose "a standard title that is used only by people other than men and women." If you know of any, please type them here. This question is optional.

The participant was then presented with five textboxes. About 12% of participants who saw that question had something to type, and the following titles were entered more than once:

Mx (26 times)

M (4 times)

Friend (2 times)

That’s a title that is established as one that can be used by anyone regardless of gender, a title that is masculine in French, and a very familiar word that would be used specifically in a quite formal context.

Ind (”individual”) could fit the nonbinary-exclusive title niche if it were to be used that way consistently, and I could see it happening, but it has also consistently been claimed by only about 3% of participants since the survey began. It seems that we don’t have a nonbinary-specific title to stand alongside Mr and Ms yet.

So, this year there is not much to report! Only a slight decline in the popularity of Mx, which could reflect survey-related factors, so I will hold off on making any assertions until we have a few more years of data.

As always, these results support the important point that when designing a form the title field should always be optional. One third of participants in this survey have preferred to have no title at all for many years, so any nonbinary title-related campaigning should demand that title questions be optional in addition to adding Mx to the list.

~

SEE ALSO

A list of links to all results, including UK and worldwide, and including previous years - summary page / results tag

The mailing list for being notified of the final report and next year’s survey

~

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed it and would like to give something back, you could increase your chances of taking part in future surveys by following on Tumblr, Twitter or the Fediverse, or subscribing to the mailing list. Alternatively, you could take a look at my Amazon wishlist.

#results #titles #2020 #nonbinary

[ghoste-catte]

multiples of 3 ✌🏼-sgmdrcklee

@sagemoderocklee you’re really trying to kill me lol

This got long as heck so I’m throwing it behind a cut. Read on for answers and fic recs! (Mostly the fic recs)

3. favorite line/scene you wrote this year

This is a tough one to answer for me generally because I tend to spit words onto the page and once I have written them I no longer remember writing them. And 2020 has stretched on so long that as I’m looking at some of the stuff I wrote in the beginning of this year, I hardly remember what’s even in it. I think at one point someone (@goblin-draws maybe?) mentioned a line in Sleeptalk with Me where the innkeeper calls Kankuro “chubby boy”, and I was like “Oh ... did I write that? Yeah, sounds like something I’d have someone say to Kankuro ...” 

It might be easier to talk about this in other terms. One of the scenes I worked the hardest on this year was the fight scene in Chapter 3 of Skeleton Key. The original draft of the scene was a lot shorter, and a lot of the backstory for Misaki’s revenge quest was elided. The scene as originally written was clunky, confusing, and as my lovely wife/beta put it sounded “like a Naruto villain” was doing the dialogue, when previously she’d found Misaki sinister and intriguing. Which wasn’t what I wanted. I basically entirely overhauled the scene and re-wrote it several times. I wouldn’t call it a ‘favorite’ scene (I hate writing fight scenes generally; having chosen to immerse myself in a fandom about ninja where much of the drama comes from battle is my eternal regret), but it is a scene that I put a lot of effort into, and I’m moderately satisfied with the improved product that resulted.  

6. least popular fic this year

By far my least popular fic by kudos ever is Pitch Perfect. Which makes complete sense to me. It’s a fic where I’ve written 2 characters who are men in canon as cis women, which pushes a lot of uncomfortable buttons for a lot of people. It contains F/F smut, which is something that a lot of people who choose to read GaaLee probably aren’t out there looking for. And people comment and kudos less on smutfics, I assume because they don’t want their username attached to porn or because they’re embarrassed (which I totally get, no shame there). It’s a modern AU with a sports twist, and AUs are often less popular than canonverse in my experience. I will say though that it has a surprisingly high number of private bookmarks compared to other fics with comparable hit and kudos counts. So I assume people are just a bit more shy because the premise is so ‘out there’. I will say as far as my fics go, it’s one of my personal favorites and probably one of the most intimate and true-to-life things I’ve written? So it actually is a little comforting to know that something so vulnerable has relatively little attention. 

9. longest wip of the year

If we’re going based on stuff that’s partially published but not complete, my Gaara-adopts-Shinki fic On My Way Home is my longest in-progress fic at just over 20k words, although technically I started it in 2019. It will probably end up being right around 40-50k when it’s complete, which might end up situating it as my longest fic ever? 

12. favorite character to write about this year

Okay, this is an easy one. I love writing Kankuro. I think he is hilarious. He is the devil on my shoulder and a creature of pure id, and every time I write a line of dialogue for him it’s the summation of my rudest thoughts about a situation put in the crudest possible terms. If there were a megaphone directly from my unfiltered brain giving running commentary, that would be Kankuro.

15. something you learned this year

I have learned SO much this year! This is only my 2nd year properly ‘focusing’ on writing fic and investing any substantial time into it. I think the biggest thing I have learned, though, is how to overcome a lot of my self-consciousness about writing stories with NSFW elements in them. Starting out, I was so extremely shy and mortified about writing fic at all, much less things like hugging or (god forbid!) kissing. So taking on the smut prompts I took this year and really buckling down on learning to write the mechanics and emotions of sex has been a massive learning experience. (And sorry, by the way, if I haven’t gotten to a prompt you sent me in January yet. I do intend to write all of them eventually!) 

18. current number of WIPs

Ah. The call-out question. My general fic process is idea -> outline -> wip -> edit -> ready to post (where the final draft sits in my docs until I gin up the courage to actually post it). So skipping fics that are just “ideas” on the big mega-list, I have 3 fics in the “outline” stage, 13 fics in the partially written “wip” stage, 1 fic in the “editing” stage, and 2 that are complete but yet-to-be-posted. So, like, 19 total in the offing. (The “ideas” list is even worse lol.)

21. most memorable comment/review

This is such a difficult question because every single comment I get makes me do a little dance for joy. That’s not an exaggeration btw I really sit there and like bounce around in my seat for a moment before I open the Ao3 email. I am not an especially emotive person irl, but there have been times I’ve been brought near tears by comments. I’ll also occasionally show them to my wife like !! look at this nice thing this person said !! and she’s indulgent enough to actually read them. There have been a couple comments that have really stuck with me, that I starred in my inbox and return to frequently, but I don’t want to bring attention to someone else without their permission. I will say there was one person recently who mentioned (not in the comments on one of my fics) that they had found someone who does physical binding of fanfiction and they were about to ask my permission to do that, but then the person who does the binding only does certain ships that she likes ... so that, just, absolutely floored me. The idea that someone might actual want a physical copy of my stupid little ninja fanfictions is, like, so truly immense and completely overwhelming?

24. favorite fic you read this year

You can’t make me pick just one!! (For reference, I have bookmarked right around 180 fics in the past year, and that’s not including fics that I just read, really enjoyed, but didn’t think I could ‘handle’ a second time around.) So, skipping over the ones that AREN’T Naruto ... here is a brief sampling of some faves:

Silica by deepestbluest (rated E, GaaLee, ShikaTema, and Kankiba) - An absolute emotional powerhouse of a fic that manages to skillfully interweave three complex relationship dynamics, satisfactorily resolve them, and give you ALL the sandsibs feels in just over 10k words. 

Childhood Not-Friends (series) by MegaWallflower (rated G, KakaGai) - @megawallflower is a KakaGai god for good reason. Absolutely adorable relationship development fics (five of them!) with the premise that Kakashi thinks he and Gai have been dating since they were kids ... Gai just hasn’t been clued into it yet. These stories will give you heart-eyes.

The Bright Side by gidget_goes (rated T, GaaLee) - This is the Buffy AU I never knew I needed, because I’ve never seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But truly you don’t need any Buffy knowledge to enjoy this fic. @gidget-goes command of imagery is masterful, and the way they manage to snap from snark to tugging at your heartstrings is awe-inspiring. Gaara breaks my heart in this. And did I mention Kankuro wears a 10-gallon hat? Because Kankuro wears a 10-gallon hat. 

Nature vs. Nurture by Bidiza (rated T, GaaLee) - So introspective and so poetic. This looks like a WIP but it’s actually multiple oneshots, although by the end of the second one you’ll be dying for the rest of the promised series. 

I’m a Fool to Want You by BeelieveRosemarie (rated M, GaaLee) - Turns out @tuttiefruttiegaalee isn’t just an amazing artist, they’re a writer, too! Slow-dancing that will break your heart. Listen to the Frank Sinatra song while you read this for extra tear-jerking effect.

Let Love be Known (series) by TenTomatoes (rated G, GaaLee) - This is the twist on the arranged marriage trope and Beauty and the Beast that I didn’t realize this fandom was missing. I’m absolutely obsessed with their concept of Gaara as the Beast

I Could Be by LilacNoctua (rated T, GaaLee) - I know I big up @lilac-writes Worthwhile series a lot (deservedly so, because it’s so good it makes you look at the series and go “Why the fuck didn’t Kishimoto make this canon exactly like this?”), but this story made me absolutely die between the butterflies in my stomach and how hard I was laughing. There’s one line--you’ll know it when you read it--that absolutely bowls me over every time I re-read this. 

And Then Continue by EgregiousDerp (rated E, GaaLee) - Obviously I’m biased because this was a gift, but @egregiousderp writes some of the the best characterized porn I’ve ever read. You will read this and go “Wow! This is exactly how it would happen!” It’s such a tender, beautiful exploration of Gaara’s insecurities and a very real feeling first time, for all its soft edges. 

Cake by citronelle (rated E, KanKiba) - I don’t even know what to say about this one other than ... phew, this is extremely well written, extremely hot, and extremely in character. Just read it. I promise it’s worth it. 

Saudade by YumKiwiDelicious (rated M, GaaLee) - I’ve run around reccing this to just about every person on the face of the earth at this point. If you’re in the GaaLee Discord you probably saw everyone salivating over every new update of this fic and with good reason. The twists and turns of this fic will have you on the edge of your seat, second guessing every single moment. And it will break your heart in the meantime. What more could you want?

the love potion commotion by floating_cats (rated T, NejiSasu with background GaaLee) - One of those fics where you wish the author’s sense of humor was your own. So many hilarious moments in this story, and it brought me a new appreciation for a ship I never would have even considered. 

Finger Lickin’ Good by whazzername (rated E, GaaLee) - Whazz is another one of those authors where I literally want to rec every single thing she’s ever written, she’s just that good. (Speaking of which, if you haven’t read Fools Rush In and its sequel Degrees of Separation, you’re missing out on the best possible Metal origin story of all time. Don’t deprive yourself of this.) But this story is just ... so incredibly in character for a situation that reads like crack. It’s handled with the utmost straight-facedness and it’s so. freakin’. good. 

heart lines by winterberry_holly (rated M, NejiTen and GaaLee) - I don’t even have the words to describe how perfect this fic is. It’s a truly beautiful exploration of Tenten’s relationship with her palmistry hobby and with the people in her life. My heart ached with every single line. 

Standing on Ceremony by kuroashi (rated E, GaaLee) - This is just ... such a beautiful wedding story. So lovely, like getting the best possible warm hug from someone you love. If that love one was slightly strange and socially inept, because, well. It’s still Gaara doing Gaara-things. @baphometsss is another one of those authors whose handling of smut scenes is so stupendous it makes me wildly jealous. 

Thrall by RokiRiot (rated T, GaaLee) - Idiots-to-lovers with a magic AU twist! This is such a wonderful story, and Gaara’s internal monologue is absolutely amazing. And Lee is Deaf in this fic, which I never ever get to see and which absolutely made my entire day/week/month/life. 

Make-Out Consequences by LuxaLucifer (rated M, KakaGai with background canon Boruto ships) - I laughed so hard reading this that I had to take a breather to stop crying. That’s not an exaggeration. The characterization in this fic is impeccable and the humor is to die for. Naruto’s buffoonery truly shines here, and the author’s wit is just beyond anything I could even properly summarize. Hysterical. A++. 

Thirteen Strokes by Luna_Lee (rated T, GaaLee) - Again, like, if you aren’t reading literally everything @sagemoderocklee writes, are you even really a GaaLee fan? But this fic is beyond even for one of Eeri’s incredibly excellent writings. The worldbuilding in this, the cultural notes, the imagery ... it’s all so lush and so fulfilling and so beautiful. It’s a story about love and it’s a story that you can tell has love poured into every single line. I can’t recommend it enough. 

Checkmate by shadowstrangle (rated G, GaaLee) - The pettiness vibes ... this is so funny. Such a cute story and I love Gaara’s sense of humor here. Not a lot of writers give him a sense of humor, but I love how @shadowstrangle gives him a slightly odd, slightly left-of-center take on humor that still manages to be so funny. 

To Court a Village by FanFictionEngineer (rated G, GaaLee) - Another one where my bias is perhaps slightly obvious, but the premise of this fic is amazing. I love cultural misunderstandings, and the idea of Lee trying his hardest to court Gaara ineptly is just so perfect. 

affliction of feeling by theformerone (rated E, SakuHina) - One of those ships that it would never have occurred to me to seek out but that absolutely works with how the author’s set it up. The dynamics here are delicious. It’s so rare to find good F/F porn but this is one of them for sure. 

Tried and Tested by twentysomething (Rated M, KakaIru with background canon Boruto ships and GaaLee) - Iruka’s narration in this story is just incredible. I haven’t laughed this hard reading a fic in ages. And the concept alone (that Naruto can’t be promoted to Hokage until he passes his chuunin exams ... as an adult ... and Sasuke gets dragged along for the ride) is just brilliant. Amazing concept, amazingly executed. 

a fireside waltz by winterberry_holly (rated M, GaaLee) - I really tried not to rec a single author more than once here but for this one I had to. I got about halfway through this fic and immediately started running around ringing the town crier bell like READ THIS FIC! READ THIS FIC! An absolutely smoldering Regency AU with such beautiful, intimate dance scenes. My heart was racing every single time their fingers brushed. If you don’t read anything else on this list, at the very least read this. 

27. favorite fanfic author of the year

I really can’t pick just one. I am lucky enough that @egregiousderp passes me her drafts under the table before (or without) publishing, and getting to read those is a private treat of unparalleled proportions. Some of my favorite things I’ve read this year I can’t even rec because they’re her unpublished stuff. 

30. favorite fandom to read fic from this year

This is gonna come off strange because I just wrote such a long Naruto reclist, but I recently watched What We Do in the Shadows, and found an incredibly talented group of authors in that fandom with really amazingly good dialogue and narrative voice. I also read a lot of fic for the new It movies (even though I couldn’t watch the 2nd one for ~reasons~), and damn if there isn’t a talented crop of authors in that fandom, too. And finally with ATLA making its way onto Netflix, I had the chance to start watching that for the first time and found a ton of really good fic there as well! 

fanfic end of the year asks!

#answered #ask meme #sagemoderocklee #Anonymous

[bellamyblake]

hello dear iva!! i’ll ask this bc i actually watched the last ep lol so - how would you like each of the reunions/talks between bellamy and the 3 women to go in episode 12? (and just so you know your day sounded wonderfully productive i really hope the distractions have been working 💓)

Hey, Zahraa!!!

Well actually that for me is a very tough question cause I think it can go in so many different directions and it will, whenever he tries to explain his stance and why he believed this *faith* of sorts.

I think personally E/cho just won’t get it considering the fact that she did so many things in the name of his death, as revenge so I’m not sure how they can ever get on any page there (not that they ever were)

With O I can see a similar scenario to season 3 with Pike, especially judging from the promo. 

And I think...people will miss a point here because in her letter to Bellamy in 7x02 she says-there was a darkness in me, Diyoza helped me pass that darkness meaning she wasn’t alone-she created this small family and she overcame the pain and the darkness in her thanks to Diyoza who started helping her get out of that awful place she was in back last season (so technically a two season ark where O gets to this amazing redemption story line)

Whilst Bellamy never actually had that you know? I mean he had a sort of family on the Ring but I don’t think any of them understood the darkness inside him, the darkness Octavia talks about, in any way. In fact I think the only person who ever did was Clarke which is why they have that special relationship.

So was he stuck with anyone else and not Doucette, someone who had similar experiences to him like Diyoza did with O, I think he’d have the same come out of this place as his sister did.

But he didn’t. He ended up stuck with a religious fanatic who offered him the one thing he desires the most-

peace.

So I think with O it’d go like-you’re doing the wrong thing because they know the truth about this faith especially Gabriel whose talk with Cadogan in 7x10 was there for the sole purpose to show us that yes-this man is selfish and he needs to get to this place out of his own selfishness and greed but he can’t do it alone so he brainwashes people into having an army and he feels no regrets. 

But he promises them love for all and PEACE and honestly out of all the characters I could ever only see Bellamy fall for that.

Also-why is that the only logical turnout of the events you’d ask? 

Clarke wouldn’t go there, people say, she wouldn’t fall for this cult bs. 

True and I’ll tell you why she wouldn’t. 

Clarke, still to this day, after L’s death, has a certain sense of having to sacrifice herself for the greater good and not thinking twice about it.

She took on that whole-the leader dies-mentality and never let go of it and in fact it only intensified after L’s death, actually...it was NEVER there before that.

Clarke can let herself die, she’ll actually go into death willingly if it means saving the people she loves, saving who she cares about and in fact she carries this fate that she’s one day going to die just because of who and how she is, like a shroud herself (which again imo only happened after season 3 but that’s a whole other meta). 

Clarke we know can be driven to suicide like she was in 5x01 when she was alone in the desert. Clarke can sacrifice herself like she said ONCE AGAIN in the last episode when she wanted to let them go back to sanctum and stay behind. 

it’s a repeating theme for her-I die, I can die, I can sacrifice myself and die for you all.

But for Bellamy and the Blakes as a whole, this is different because both of them were raised not to give up, never to give up, against all odds, against all enemies-they survive. 

Aurora taught them that-there are no weak exists. You can’t kill yourself, you can’t and shouldn’t give up. 

You fight until all doors are closed and when they’re closed you make a hole in the floor and raise a kid there.

Also dysfunctional of course but those were the circumstances. 

And anyway my point is they’re not easy to give up and give into death, we saw O willing to die when she couldn’t stand who she was in season 5 much like Bellamy did in season 1 episode 8 but in fact I very much believe Bellamy as much as he thinks he deserves it, is afraid of dying (he even says I am afraid when he jumps in the Anomaly which was another proof for me that yes he’ll take it, he knows he deserves to die, but he’s afraid of it and that was first manifested in 1x10 when he was sick and he thinks he’ll die and he tells O-I’m scared, O.)

But whilst O found a way out of the darkness with the help of Diyoza, Bellamy found a way out of the darkness when he was mentally and physically exhausted and gave himself up to simply the arms of PEACE and REST. 

He wants to stop the war waging inside him. He wants to love everyone and not have to kill others to protect his people. 

That does not mean he does not LOVE his people still, in fact I think not many people saw how his eyes smiled a little when he entered that room even if he didn’t show anything with his face.

So yeah with O I think it’d go like that.

With Clarke I think or like I’d like for him to try and explain and I’d like for them to have an angsty convo ala 3x05 where he says something like-

Aren’t you tired of us always killing someone to save ourselves?

And her being like-Bellamy, this guy’s a fanatic! He doesn’t care about people! He only cares about himself!

And Bellamy saying like-I lied before-we didn’t do better last time in sanctum! Just think about it? We destroyed them! Those people were living peacefully! So what if they believed false gods? So what if they bowed to russel? They were happy! They were healthy!

They were living a lie and so are you right now! I can’t believe just weeks ago you were helping me tell those people the truth and now you’re one of them, choosing to believe a lie!

So yeah that’s what I can see.

Sorry this got so long and meta LMFAO 

#the 100 #the 100 meta #bellamy blake #clarke griffin #bellarke #bellamy blake meta #idk #the blake siblings #zavens

[alj4890]

None But You

(Thomas Hunt x oc*Amanda) in a regency era romance as requested by @pixieferry​

A/N So sorry this took so long. Migraines and writer’s block are making life so pleasant. We are slowly coming to the end of our series. I have loved how Thomas is in a regency AU. That proud man oozes Mr. Darcy vibes. Let’s see how everyone reacts to the shooting and plans to depart the Rawlings’ residence.

@graceful-popcorn   @krsnlove   @alleksa16   @hopelessromantic1352    @pixieferry   @emceesynonymroll   @buzz-bee-buzz   @hopefulmoonobject    @rainbowsinthestorm   @lxaah11   @my-heart-beats-for-ya @everythingmarvelsherlockspn @friedherringclodthing   @aworldoffandoms   @ab1901   @i-bloody-love-drake-walker  

Masterlist

Summary: Everyone comes to terms with Lord Ryan Summers being shot. Was it an accident? Or, was someone else the intended target? We also begin our journey to Lord Hunt’s home, Kirkwood Manor for the wedding.

Part 12

"Shh." Lady Henrietta Rawlings held her daughter close. "All will be well, darling."

"Oh Mamma." Millie cried. "I cannot lose him. Not after I realized" She trailed off as another sob tore through.

Henrietta smiled softly to herself. It had come as a pleasant surprise to find that her daughter had fallen in love with the one man she and Lord Gabriel Rawlings wished for her.

When Millie burst into tears upon hearing the news that Lord Ryan Summers had been shot, she knew her daughter must truly care for the man. After leaving Lucy in charge of the guests, she took her daughter to her bedroom so that she could cry in privacy.

Her smile dimmed as she remembered that the young marquess might not survive his wound. She couldn't bear the thought of her daughter finding love to only lose it so quickly.

"Stay here." She ordered. "I'll go see what the doctor says."

Millie blew her nose while nodding. "Please find out all you can."

***************

Thomas and Chris decided early on to escape members of the house party. With Amanda in tow, the three claimed one of the empty parlors.

Guests were frantic with gossip and predictions that Lord Summers would die from his injury. Ladies were sniffling in their handkerchiefs, lamenting the loss of a young man of both excellent breeding and fortune. Some of the visiting gentlemen took advantage of the situation to offer comfort to the more desirable matches.

Once Sir Chris shut the door, the three relaxed as best they could under the circumstances.

"How is Lord Ryan?" Amanda asked "Have you heard anything yet?"

"The doctor was able to remove the bullet from his shoulder." Thomas poured a libation for himself and Chris and then a glass of sherry for his lady. "It was a miracle that it missed anything vital."

"That is a blessing." Amanda set her barely touched glass down.

"What I want to know is," Chris bit out, "how the bloody blazes, forgive me, my lady, do a group of seasoned grouse hunters manage to shoot a man?"

Thomas gripped his glass. "Ryan was standing beside me." He took a healthy gulp in the hopes the brandy would burn away the image of his friend bleeding before him. "He then stepped back to ready his rifle."

Amanda covered her mouth. "You would have been shot in the back if he hadn't moved."

He nodded. "Seems odd that after enduring days of tense encounters with the duke that a man next to me is struck down by a stray bullet."

Chis snorted. "Tense barely scratches the surface."

"Has any gentleman stepped forward, claiming they shot Lord Ryan?" Amanda asked, praying it was truly a fluke accident.

"Not that I'm aware of." Thomas quirked an eyebrow in question to Chris.

"I haven't." He answered. "I believe that Lord Gabriel and Michael are going to question everyone."

While Thomas and Chris continued to speculate the shooting incident, Amanda's attention was drawn toward a flurry of activity outside the window.

Carriages were pulling up outside. Some of the houseguests were taking their leave. There were many that hoped to be the first to share the gossip at the many ton events that awaited them in London.

Her eyes darted to the left. Duke Viktor Montmarte stepped forward after giving a farewell to a trio of ladies, tittering at his flirtatious comments.

"I believe we should corner Montmarte's valet." Thomas explained. "I find it strange that he accompanied his grace for the hunt."

Chris softly cursed under his breath. "I didn't notice he was there. What gentleman has a valet that is also well versed in reloading rifles?" He set his glass down in the midst of standing up. "Where is the scoundrel?"

"They've left along with others." Amanda replied. "I do not think we will ever know who truly shot Lord Summers"

***************

"Papa?" Millie whispered outside Ryan's chambers. "Are you certain he is being properly cared for?"

Lord Gabriel's lips trembled with mirth. "Feel free to check on him if you wish. I was planning on sending Sanders in periodically to make certain the marquess is resting comfortably."

"Periodically!" Millie gasped in outrage. "Lord Ryan should have someone at hand until he is strong enough to leave his bed."

Lord Gabriel decided to withhold the information that Lord Ryan had regained consciousness earlier and had no trouble whatsoever with getting up to find a softer shirt to change into.

He had already spoken to Henrietta about letting Millie nurse the gentleman in the hopes the two would finally see that they belonged together.

"My dear," her father said in a condescending tone he knew would spur her on to defying him. "He will be fine on his own for the rest of the evening. We have guests we must entertain and help prepare for their departure on the morrow. You should--"

"Hang the guests!" Millie snapped. "If they are too witless to know how to act when a man lies at death's door, then they deserve no such courtesies!" She opened Ryan's door and slipped inside.

Henrietta popped her head around from around a corner. "You handled that well."

Gabriel chuckled as he walked over to her. "I've learned over the years how to get my ladies to do exactly what I wish."

Hen's eyes narrowed on her husband. "What was that?"

He winked at her as he escaped downstairs. "How else do you think I managed to trick you into bringing up marriage before I did?

"You wretched beast!" Hen screeched.

He laughed as he dashed downstairs.

Her lips eased into a smug smile once he had disappeared. "Foolish man. If he only knew I knew that was his plan all along."

**************

Ryan's eyes flew open when he heard water being poured. He scanned his dim chamber and nearly bolted upright when he saw Millie wetting a rag.

Curious to what she planned to do, he closed his eyes and feigned sleep.

She tiptoed over and gently placed the cool rag on his forehead.

He peeked at her from under his lashes. Her teeth were tugging at her bottom lip as she observed him. There was a crease forming in the middle of her forehead as her eyes narrowed somewhat in thought.

He relaxed when he felt her fingers gently combing through his hair. It was a soothing, almost loving touch that he felt down to his toes.

It took all his willpower to remain still when he heard the click of his door opening again. If anyone were to catch Millie alone in his bedroom, the scandal would rock the entire ton.

Millie's head jerked up at the intrusion. When she saw who it was, she decided to not bother being kind.

"What the devil are you doing here?!"

Victoria paused before shutting the door. "I could ask you the same question."

Ryan flinched from the hiss in the intruder’s tone. Both women noticed the movement and lowered their voices for his sake.

"I am nursing Lord Summers." Millie ground out.

"I believe he would prefer my tender ministrations over yours." Victoria's smile was a touch brittle. "After all, he has made a point to spend more time in my company than anyone else's."

Millie bristled at her not so subtle meaning. "Be that as it may, Lord Ryan is a guest in my home. Therefore his care falls under my responsibility."

Ryan frowned somewhat at that statement. He didn't want her to feel obligated to care for him. He had hoped she was doing so for a deeper, more heartfelt reason. This irritated him even more that he desired such an emotion from the bane of his existence.

"Well, I have a way with men that helps speed their recovery." Victoria countered smugly. "Why don't you go and try to obtain that which you don't have."

The lady made a shooing motion with her hands as she approached the bed.

"And what exactly have I yet to obtain?" Millie's voice had lowered and sounded more sinister than Ryan had ever heard. He cracked open his eyes. Never had he been more grateful to not be the recipient of her temper.

Victoria was oblivious to the effect her provocations had on the young lady.

"Poor little Lady Millicent." She sadly shook her head. "It must be devastating to have your closest friend, who we must admit is not a great beauty, make such an advantageous match in the midst of her first season while you have yet to capture attention from any gentleman within the span of nearly three seasons." Her lips curved into a mocking smile. "Even now the less popular ones are not inclined to give you anything but a cursory glance."

Millie was practically shaking with her anger. "How dare you?!"

Victoria ignored her, moving to fluff Ryan's pillows.

Millie snatched her wrist and roughly pushed her away.

"You wicked little viper." Victoria snapped, wrenching her arm free. "Do you honestly believe he would choose someone like you over someone like me?" She narrowed her eyes on Millie. "You are nothing but an annoyance to him."

Ryan noticed the color drain from Millie's face. Her hesitation touched his heart. In that brief moment, he realized that she believed he wouldn't choose her.

"Millie, are you--," Victoria's laugh echoed in the chamber, "You are! You are in love with Lord Ryan."

The man fully opened his eyes to see how Millie would respond to what had to be a farfetched notion.

Her blush and twisting of the rag in her hands appeared to point toward it being true.

"Oh this is rich." Victoria snorted while laughing again. "You'll never be able to show your face in London again after everyone hears about this." Her malicious smile reappeared. "Not only have you caused a scandal, but you fell in love with a man that barely tolerates his acquaintance with you."

Ryan spoke up when he saw the tears building in Millie's eyes. "Leave my room. Now."

Both ladies jumped and turned to look a him.

Victoria smiled sweetly. "My lord, I've already told her that she is unwanted." She went to pull the covers up over his chest.

Ryan caught her hands. "You are the one that is unwanted, Ms. Fontaine."

She narrowed her eyes. "You must be delirious, sir." She forced another sweet smile. "I'll call for the doctor. A fever might be setting in."

Ryan's polite veneer that he had worn throughout his life was nowhere to be found. Millie watched in a state of disbelief as he set the misguided woman straight.

"Ms. Fontaine, I have unwillingly endured your forced company this entire visit." He began. "If not for my respect of Lady Cora and Lord Michael Rawlings, I would have cut any and every conversation with you." His words were clipped and held an edge sharper than a blade. "My patience has reached its end."

He turned toward Millie. "My dear Lady Millicent, will you please pour me a glass of water?"

She gave a brief nod and hurried to get him what he asked for.

Victoria, upon realizing she was being ignored, decided to leave and spread what gossip she could.

She was in for quite a surprise on learning that Lord and Lady Rawlings had already explained the situation to their remaining guests, making Millie's actions all above board.

"Here." Millie slipped her arm behind Ryan's shoulders.

Instead of admitting he could easily sit up, he decided to play along, struggling with every movement. He weakly grasped her hand that held his cup and took a long, slow sip.

"Thank you." He exaggerated a groan as he sank down against the pillows. "That altercation took a great deal out of me."

Is there anything else I can do for you?" She worried over him.

"What can be done at such a dark moment?" He asked, tinging his voice with sadness. "I have been brought to my lowest." He covered his eyes with his uninjured arm. "How does one go on after this?"

Millie hemmed and gently grasped his hand. "My lord, you will come back from this. I know you have a deep strength that will aid in your recovery."

"My life will never be the same." He said in a gravelly voice. "What will become of me?"

Millie swiped at her stray tears. "Ryan, I--"

"Nothing but a lifetime of pity." He wailed, getting into his role of injured gentleman. "No lady will ever wish to marry me for myself. I will only be desired for my wealth and title."

"That's not true." Millie argued. "You--"

"She won't be able to look at me without seeing a once dashing, handsome man wounded beyond repair." He continued, peeking from under his arm at her.

"Ryan, you're going to be fine." Millie insisted. "You must recover. I need--"

"This is the end of Lord Ryan Summers." He interrupted. "The man you once knew who made ladies' hearts race is no more." He let his arm fall weakly to his side. "I am forever scarred."

Millie narrowed her eyes. "Is that all you care about?"

He turned toward her. "Is what all I care about?"

"Your effect on women." Millie bit out. "One would think a brush with death would cause a man to rethink his life and strive for something more."

"Millie, I-" he began, struggling with his laughter.

"Perhaps Victoria should tend you." Millie stood up and threw the wet rag in his face. "I am not the kind to give you the comfort you so rightly deserve."

"Now Millie," Ryan tossed the rag on the table, "I prefer your tender--" he grunted when she pushed him back down on the bed.

"I cannot believe I worried over you!" She pointed at the bandage at his shoulder. "You're perfectly fine!"

"I was shot in the shoulder." He argued, sitting up once more. "And it hurt like bloody hell removing the bullet."

"Not nearly enough!" She snapped. "You deserve so much more discomfort."

"Millie!" Ryan scrambled off the bed and blocked her exit. "Now Millie, you know you love me."

"I do not!" She screeched. "Whatever," she searched for the appropriate comparison to her previous feelings, "weakness I might have felt, it has thankfully disappeared." She waved her hand. "Kindly move."

"No." He folded his arms, then winced at the pain it caused.

The flash of anger Millie felt disappeared at glimpsing his actual pain. "Oh Ryan." She stepped forward and gently touched his cheek. "You must take it easy."

She slipped her arm around him and guided him back to his bed. She once again fluffed his pillows and covered him up. The entire time, she insisted he allow her to care for him.

Ryan's lips curved at her fussing over him once more. A man, he thought, could get very used to this.

***************

"Did you discover anything?" Amanda asked.

Thomas had pulled her off to an alcove after dinner. He kept her hand in his as they discussed his fruitless search for the shooter.

"Nothing pertinent. The few gentlemen that have remained for another night were all focused on the grouse." He lifted her hand to his lips. "Perhaps it was an accident after all." He grimaced with his next thought. "What if Montmarte's game was simply to cause me doubt and misery? To ruin our time together as a newly engaged couple."

"That is a possibility." She conceded. "Though I believe our original stance to remain guarded around him was wise. He does not strike me as a man that chooses inaction." She smiled softly as he brushed another kiss against her knuckles. "At least he is gone."

Thomas nodded, a hint of a smile forming. "Yes, and we will soon be at Kirkwood Manor." His eyes lifted to hers. "I am anxious to acquaint you with your new home."

"Oh?" Her teasing smile appeared. "Not for the wedding then?"

"That goes without saying." He grumbled. "You are very aware of how much I am looking forward to that."

She laughed, squeezing his hand. "I am looking forward to both."

Thomas hesitated, then leaned closer to whisper. "Even though Montmarte is gone, I would prefer keeping watch over you tonight." Before she could argue, he held up his hand. "I promise to rest during our journey tomorrow."

"Very well." Amanda conceded. "I see that you refuse to be swayed." Her breath hitched when he pressed a lingering kiss to the inside of her wrist. "I will see you later "

Thomas watched her wish her aunt and the Rawlings family goodnight on her way toward the stairs. His lips firmed in a frown as he wondered if they were truly once and for all rid of Viktor Montmarte.

******************

The next morning...

"Are you certain you feel up to leaving this morning?" Millie asked.

Ryan gave his thanks when one of the servants poured him a cup of coffee. "I do." His dimples deepened with his charming smile. "With you caring for me during our journey, I know that I will be fine."

His smile grew at the rosy hue forming on Millie's cheeks.

"Good morning." Amanda greeted when she and Thomas entered the dining room. "Lord Ryan! I am very pleased to see you up and about."

He stood and kissed her hand. "Nothing will stop me from seeing you and Thomas wed." He winked at her. "I have a vested interest in your marriage."

Thomas rolled his eyes. "I believe I was the one to actually court her."

"I'd like to think mine, Lady Millie's, and our closest friends' influence had a hand in nudging you toward the altar.

Chris and Matthew joined them at that moment.

"If I recall correctly," Chris grinned over his shoulder while filling his plate at the sideboard, "Our dear Thomas was very much against the notion of holy matrimony with any lady he came into contact with."

"He even encouraged other men to make a match with a certain lady." Matt added, chuckling at the glare Thomas sent him.

Amanda couldn't help but laugh at their teasing. She reached over and grasped Thomas' hand.

His eyes met hers. Seeing her warm smile, his frown disappeared. He pressed a kiss to her knuckles. Though he wouldn’t admit it, he was grateful they had such interfering friends.

Millie sighed at the tender action, thrilled beyond measure that all was how it should be. Nothing was standing in the way of those she cared for. 

****************

A few hours later, Millie was ready to commit a murder before the wedding. With Ryan injured, she had readily agreed to riding in his carriage with him. Lady Lucinda was riding with Millie’s parents so that Amanda and Thomas could enjoy some alone time in his carriage. All seemed to point toward a pleasant journey for everyone.

Then Sir Chris and Lord Matthew insisted on joining her and Ryan.

It might have been pleasant if not for their teasing and hints that Millie and Ryan felt something deeper than mere friendship. Then again, it most likely would have been a miserable ride. The man she thought herself in love with was irritable with every jostle to his shoulder.

“Perhaps you should have waited a few days before traveling.” Millie suggested.

“I am not about to miss a single moment of my closest friend finally settling down with a young woman I actually approve of.” He snapped.

Millie’s eyes narrowed. “Then perhaps I should have chosen to ride with my parents.”

“Heaven forbid you remain with me and help nurse me back to health.” He grumbled between gritted teeth.

“I can think of a few ways to nurse you.” she mumbled under her breath, imagining shoving a rag in his mouth. “Why don’t you try and rest?”

“Capital idea.” Chris interjected when it appeared that Ryan was about to bite their only feminine company’s head off. “Go to sleep, Summers.”

“You all make it sound simple!” He snapped. “And here I am, thinking that the movement of the coach makes this contraption a torture chamber on wheels.”

“If anyone is tortured it is us that are trapped with you.” Millie countered. She folded her arms and purposely turned so that her back was to him.

“You may leave at any time you wish.” Ryan pointed out. “I was a fool to think having you with me would be a comfort.”

Millie’s gasp of outrage caused the other two men in the carriage to shrink back within their seat. 

“I was more than ready to do all I could to ease your journey.” She hissed. “I had no idea though that not only are you stubborn but you are also prone to whining over every little thing.” She huffed and reached for a book to read. “I did not know I had chosen to travel with a petulant child.”

Ryan opened his mouth to deliver a crushing set down to the woman he thought he was losing his heart to. 

“Here we are, sir!” His coachman called out.

Millie peeped out the window at the inn they were stopping at for the evening. She scrambled down the coach steps when she saw her father helping her mother and Lady Lucy from their carriage.

Her eyes scanned the charm of the small town and she noticed that a number of carriages were stopping at the various inns that lined the main road.

Thomas and Amanda paused on their way inside to check on Ryan.

“I pray it wasn’t too difficult on you.” Amanda said once the gentlemen had made it out.

“I managed.” Ryan quickly assured her. 

Chris choked on his laughter. “He is a man to admire in how he suffers in silence.”

Millie was about to add her own cutting observation when she noticed how pale Ryan was. Sweat was glistening on his upper lip and he winced when he straightened his posture.

She stepped forward and took his uninjured arm. “Come, we should get you settled so that you can rest.”

Her sweet tone caught him by surprise. “Thank you.” He murmured, walking with her into the inn. “I do apologize for my rude behavior.” He grimaced at the pain throbbing in his shoulder. “I should have insisted you ride with your parents.” 

“I should have been more understanding.” She gently squeezed his arm. “I need to work on my patience.”

“And charity.” He added, grinning at her quick temper.

She met his gaze and reluctantly smiled. “That too.”

He leaned down to whisper to her. “Perhaps you shouldn’t work too hard. I will look even more churlish if you become too angelic.”

She laughed out loud, causing his smile to to grow. “Very well. I will only partially work on my lack of patience for your sake.”

****************

“Thomas!” Amanda whispered. “What are you doing?!” She carefully opened the window to her room and stepped back so he could climb in.

“I wanted to check on you.” He replied, looking around her room only lit by a candle. “I have gotten into the habit of being unable to relax at night unless I see for myself that you are safe.”

She walked into his arms to kiss him, snuggling closer when he wrapped his arms around her. “What am I to do with you?”

“Marry me.” He suggested, pressing another kiss to her lips. “Then I can rest easy.”

She shut her window and tugged him over to her bed. “Hopefully you will once we reach Kirkwood.” 

He removed his coat and cravat before settling beside her. “Hopefully.” He reached out to hold her, repositioning her until her head lay on his chest. Thomas closed his eyes as peace seemed to seep into his very bones with the feel of her in his arms. Her hushed whisper of her love for him made him even more grateful that she would soon be his for the rest of his life.

****************

Across the street, a man cloaked in shadows kept his eyes on the window that held the young lady and the man she was engaged to. He remained there, long after the candle was snuffed. Once he believed the man was not going to return to his own room, he left his post and reported all he had witnessed to his employer.

“So he is still keeping his nighttime habits, eh?” The duke chuckled while swirling brandy in his glass. He took a sip before returning his attention to his valet. “We will need to rethink our plans for the viscount and his lady.”

#None but you #Thomas Hunt #thomas hunt x oc #rcd regency au #thomas hunt x amanda #choices RCD #choices thomas hunt

[rureikia]

Chapter 3

[Previous] [Contents] [Next] 

  Kita wasn't watching me. He was with the handsome shop owner instead, either having a long conversation or helping around, proving what he said earlier to righteously be the truth. 

Currently now, the restaurant only had one group remaining, which was us. 

Though a while ago, I had this phase where I kept looking at my phone to check the time and I'm sure it was a way to hold down my desire to go home as soon as possible. That was until I saw that it only struck 10:00pm.

It was 10 at the time yet everyone was still lively and excited, all except... Me of course...

Well maybe If I ignored the feeling of dread due to Kita being in this same building, I would have actually enjoyed this event a bit more. 

That didn't mean I disliked it, don't get me wrong. I had some fun even though the people around were quite loud and more outgoing than I was, they were still kind enough to converse with whenever they could.

Thus, the goukon was better than I was apprehending. The members were interesting people with interesting pasts, there were jokes and laughter thrown back and forth, then there also the wide range food options this restaurant or shop had. And everything was unquestionably delicious so I ate a lot to the point I felt a little sick.

But it seemed what I loved the most was the drinks... Beer specifically.

Partially the reason why I drank more than my body is used to is because of the peer pressure and to fit with the social group. But the other reason is because I wanted to distract my thoughts off my ex-boyfriend walking around nearby.

I'm not sure why he stayed so late, by now it's already 12. I thought he could have went home to go rest, but  for some reason, he chose not to.

"Excuse me!!" One of the obnoxious guys loudly said to the shop owner, "Miya-san can we have some more drinks please?!"

"Oh my god." I muttered in English, clutching Sumiko's sleeve desperately.

She noticed my dreadful expression in a flash, so did Yuzuru. And thank goodness they both chose to do a good deed for the old pitiful me tonight.

"Haha actually you know? We've finished all our food, right? We should probably get ready to go home." Sumiko said, somehow not drunk as I was.

  At her suggestion, everyone except Yuzuru groans in unison, but fortunately chooses to agree nevertheless. 

  "Yes, I think we should better leave, it's already 12 and a lot of us are going to be busy with work tomorrow." Yuzuru added on.

"Hmm... Now that I think about it, it's true that I have to wake up early for work..." One of the women, said in disappointment, "I guess we should really all split then."

"Awhhh, I'll miss you guys it was so fun... Oh Yuzuru-san, (L/N)-san you guys better keep in contact! You two talked together in secret a lot tonight!! Definitely go something going on over there haha!" That same obnoxious dude exclaims, pointing at us like we were the stars of a show. And he was so damn loud about it the staff members or maybe even Kita probably heard him too.

Yuzuru makes a sheepish expression and turns to face me. But when I looked at him, he was distorted in my eyes to the point he appeared like a blob. That's how drunk I was.

Whilst my chin was still on the table, I accidently let out some untranslatable nonsense and heard everyone laugh in amusement.

.......

We idled around for ten more minutes, sharing each other's contact information although I was too dead-face to do anything, hence why Sumiko had to hand out my number to them alternately.

It was most likely inevitable for me to turn into this state, but in all honesty I wasn't planning to get drunk today. 

I simply wanted to eat a lot and go home carrying the leftovers from here, maybe make some new friends too since this is still a goukon event. However, how come I turned into a soulless and alcohol-induced human despite all those plans? How come nothing goes the way I want it to...? I must be very unlucky or I must be very stupid then — not to mention that out of all the days, my ex-boyfriend decided to walk in this restaurant when I was here.

I was mentally ranting and it took another couple minutes for the others to chit-chats before they all finally paid for the meals and stood up. 

Well, everyone stood. Except me of course.

In fact, my spaced out mind was ever-lovingly busy wondering whether I had human legs that worked or not I began to struggle. 

Then there was also another part of me who was awestruck over not being able to figure out why my body had such a fuzzy sensation. And so I became so immersed in my mysteriously fuzzy feeling in my bloodstream to the point I was too fatigued to move. 

  Ah, just to make my life and everyone else's easier, my vision was also wildly all over the place.

For example, whenever I wanted to do something, I got distracted over the random, colorful shapes that were bouncing on and off the walls. And it felt like everything was a dream as I was surrounded by this a gooey surface that was melting...

I'm glad I wasn't the only person that was influenced from the drinks, but I was most certainly the one that was most affected. It was only Yuzuru that drank the least, not even managing to finish a single can of beer as I was feeding off what felt like a gallon.

"(L/N)? Are you alright? I'll get you to a taxi." Yuzuru says in concern with his hands on my shoulder to try to support me. However, another person stops him from doing anything more.

"Yuzuru-san, I'll take (Y/N), is it okay if you help the others?" Sumiko said quickly, putting her hand on my arms and pulling my head to her chest.

By the way, I wasn't doing anything here, I was more brain dead than the dead.

"A-Are you sure? I am happy to help (L/N) if you struggle." Yuzuru insists in a truly worried tone.

She was always like this, that Sumiko. Ever since high-school she would be highly suspicious over new people that come into direct contact with us, as if she knew something and wanted to protect our territory. That's why as a teenager, I made sure for her to be the one person to not let go of since she is practically my personal body guard.

  "No worries," Sumiko continued, putting me aside on the floor like I was some toy, "The others are staggering too so go help them."

"What about (Y/N)?"

"Hah?! Did you just call her by her first name?" 

Yuzuru gasps, the shakes his hands at her in flustering denial, "N-No that was unintentional!  I-I mean (L/N)-san!! It's because Sumiko-san said it so I said it without realizing!"

"Excuse me?! Did you just call me by first name now?!"

"!!"

  The two were talking or fighting I don't know, but they forgot about me. Therefore I very stealthily crawled away to stand up by myself in an open space.

  "Hnng, my shoes..." I whimpered, aimlessly meandering to locate them.

  My stance was quite wobbly. 

I subsequently tripped over my own foot and stumbled forward into something. To be specific, I stumbled into someone.

  Without me even being spatially aware of my environment, I closed my eyes from the impact and latched my arms around the body. In return, he puts a hand on my back to help me stand still.

It took me less than a moment. I somehow recognised the shape, the height, the scent and most importantly, I recognised the way this guy held onto me, all of which gave me this unique sensation of nostalgia.

Something washed over and I couldn't resist nuzzling my face against this person's chest with a muffled giggle as if I was a young child again.

"..."

"I'll take her home." The guy that's holding my back said.

In shock, Yuzuru stammers, "H-Huh? I'm sorry for my rudeness, but... Who are you?"

Sumiko's mouth opened, with her eyes widening in stun the longer she watched us, "Woah wait you can't be serious – ......Kita-kun is that, you?"

"Huh, Kita-kun? Ayama-san do they know each other?" Yuzuru was in further inquisition, and my friend nods at him slowly in reply, that frozen expression of surprise still plastered her face.

Kita keeps hold of me, this time by effortlessly moving my lifeless corpse to the side of him so he can wrap an arm around my waist. 

"I'm her boyfriend." He bluntly said before Sumiko even managed to explain everything to Yuzuru, "So I'll take her home."

"..." 

It was like they saw the grim reaper walk into the shop.

Everyone went eerily quiet when watching Kita grab my shoes, coat and bag without exchanging any words to the people he didn't know. And once he got all my stuff, we left the shop, no more complications needed.

I was quickly welcomed by the coldness of the concrete beneath my shoeless feet once we both walked out. And obviously, I was still very drunk so I couldn't think of any sentences to to describe my distress of him touching me like that. 

  Essentially, I leaned against Kita's torso very dazed and whined, very timidly.

  To that, I felt Kita stagger just a little bit as my whole body weight was chucked right beside him. And so I watched him without helping myself, whilst experiencing this light-headed sensation that confused the colorful shapes I was seeing to be real-life.

"(Y/N), put your stuff on." Kita said, dropping my shoes on the ground and yet holding on my waist in order to prevent me from falling flat on my face.

I then shoved my feet in my shoes with this tiresome twist, and heard him breathily laugh whilst I was doing so.

My sentences sounded sloppy, but I still succeeded to snap at him in sheer irritation, "What? Why you laugh mister?! Do I look funny to you?!"

"Yes, you wore your shoes the wrong way round." He replies, now helping me put my arms through the holes of my coat, "Hm. Okay, can you walk properly now?"

I made a really big 90 degree bow for a single nod, "Hngh...Yeah..."

"Don't fall." Kita said, hesitantly letting me go.

My body felt weird without his support, unusually unstable. So when I took a step forward I almost fell in an instant.

"Ah! Please help me sir!" I fixed myself back to my normal posture, raising my arms up like a child that wanted to lifted off the ground, "Carry me please!"

"You're heavy. I won't carry you." Kita rejected the request and hurted my heart. He then turned back to me, grasping onto my waist once more.

"Whyyyy...? Why can you not carry me?" I whined, weakly smacking his chest with my flimsy hands, "You used to always carry me on your back..."

He removed my hand and put it back down to my side, "Even back then you were heavy." He mocked.

"... No I was not."

"You were. You probably still are."

"..."

I went hushed. 

  Then fiddling with the sleeves of my coat I sincerely looked up and told Kita, "I was joking with you just now. But it was wrong to insult me like that."

  He ignored me though, which I thought was rather harsh but still handled my drowsy body with consideration.

There wasn't a single moment where Kita made any unnecessary attempts to touch me in places other than my sides, which was just to keep me standing. But even so, I managed to get embarrassed and feel abashed in the ears.

And while we were walking, there were several times where my shoe would plop off and he had to quickly go back to grab it so I could wear it again. Then there was another thing that happened where I started drooling on his arm, so he had to push my forehead away with his finger. 

It was as if the more we noiselessly walked, the more I experienced sadness in his presence. But only my heart spoke that, as my mind was unconscious about it and thought the alcohol was simply just getting into my system.

  Back when me and Kita were dating, there were memories where I had gotten drunk like this before. Though it was always rare, occurring during college nights mainly.

  Sometimes, when you grow into new-born adults, you will get curious over the additionally new environment. There will be times where you can't help but to explore things like certain drinks and certain relationships. 

In my case, it was only ever alcoholic beverages.

  I remember that I didn't really like the taste of beer by itself at first. So whenever I did give in to peer pressure and drank, I couldn't bring myself to finish it. At times, I'd put some soda or cola in it (not making it taste any better, only making it more diluted). Maybe I'd not drink at all and pretend I did by throwing it away or giving it to someone else.

So I was quite weak apparently, that's what the others would call me when they see my makeshift beverage or no beverage in my hands. And I felt more inferior than the rest due to all those teasing and cooing at people alike of me. Now that I think about it as a 24-year-old working woman, I believe I may have been around some rather unfitting people.

Ultimately I'd still try buckle myself up and drink, but have great difficulty attempting to swallow it down as it brought such a strange, burning sensation to the back of my throat. However I wasn't expecting how one drink with a bunch of classmates will suddenly turn into two, two will turn into three, three into four... So on...

Sumiko was the one person that always was with me in these events, and so when I did get drunk she would call Kita from my phone and he'd quickly come pick me up from whatever restaurant I was suffering in.

  Kita would carry me to my apartment on his back, whilst I'd drool on his shoulder like a toddler. Without him raising his voice too much, I would hear him scolding me about how irresponsible I am or maybe how my parents were gonna kill him if they ever found out. But I was so focused on hugging him from behind I half-heartedly let go of what he said only taking account of his caring warmth.

I'd then continue to splutter my drunken words in the most childlike way... All of a sudden, Kita would stop getting angry at me and would join in my strange conversation to keep me company until I sobered up.

.......

"Do you know who I am?" He asks out the blue.

I smacked the roof of my mouth, tasting the alcohol stuck there, "Yeaaaaaah hahahaha..."

"Who am I then?"

Reaching out, I smothered my hand all over his face without him agreeing beforehand, just so I could feel him better. It keeps happening but Kita had to push my hand down with his own spare.

I carried on, "I know that you are Sumiko."

He shook his head, "I'm not."

"Oh then! I know who you are!!" I chirped enthusiastically,

"Who?"

"Ayama Sumiko."

"..."

We didn't have to go very far, my home was conveniently near. It only took a total twenty-five minutes of walking alongside my nonsensical blubber, so there was no transport necessary. Throughout the whole journey, I really was just staggering with Kita's aid. Plus, it was dark too, so I was also doing my best to keep my eyes wide open and not sleep, which all-in-all brought great difficulty.

  Once we arrived, I tried to stay calm.

I was drunk, yes. But I was definitely aware enough to suppress the strong surge deep inside my heart. It was urging me to talk to him longer, but I was holding down everything and deliberately ignored those voices.

  "Do you have your keys?" He asked.

I nodded.

  We were together outside the two story studio apartment building I  was resident in. To make things more simple, I lived in the bottom middle one too, therefore he doesn't need help me up any stairs and can just leave me be.

Maybe if I wasn't so alcohol-induced, I would have been somewhat surprised to know that Kita still remembered where I lived even though we broke up. But now him standing here with me, it didn't feel surprising, just felt drastically more solemn. 

After all, it has been three years since he stood by my door again.

  Kita checks at the door's number and back at my feeble form. Then he moves away and grasps onto my shoulders so he could physically turn me around to look at the door too, "This is where you live right?" 

"Yeah" I faintly said, about to fall asleep at any moment.

  I slouched back, squinting hard at whatever jiggly sight was in front of me for a good couple of seconds, until I could piece everything together.

"Oh that's my apartment. I live there." I pointed with hazed half-grin.

"Good." Kita said, "You can go home from here."

When his hands slid off my shoulders, for some reason I blurted something out in my abnormally drunken state.

"Hng, Kita wait..." I called out shyly.

"What is it?"

I threw on a sincere look, "You used to visit me so much, do you... remember?"

My ex-boyfriend stops in his tracks, barely a meter away from me.

And there was an itching silence lingering between our space,

"... I remember." Kita replied slowly.

I spoke again, practically a mutter, "Everyday. We saw each other, we ate, we walked, we talked, we did everything... And suddenly that had to stop..."

"..."

Right now, as mentioned constantly, I was drunk. 

I could see things currently as a blur, but can still feel emotions quite well, meaning what I just said hurt me with an immense prang in the stomach.

All my sentences are thoughts that would roll off my tongue with no filter. And for a second I sobered up by the absolute slightest, realizing what I told him might have been way too unrefined.

Subsequently, I began to contemplate whether to apologise or not.

"..."

Kita noticed me go soundless. So he put his hands back on my shoulders, forcing me gently to turn around and face him this time. He then moved those same hands back down on my waist, pulling in a mild manner. 

At that moment, he stared at me stoically as though he had made up a decision in his mind and I blinked at him sluggishly in return. All of a sudden, I put my two hands on his face. Each palm on each cheek – and it felt cold due to the wintery temperature we were walking in.

"(Y/N)–" He was taken aback from my actions but I heard his voice stay monotonous and unchanged afterwards.

  "(Y/N), what do you think you're do–"

  I didn't let him finish. I cut Kita off by squishing his cheeks and then laugh out loud like a stupid person.

"Shin-chan smile! I want to see your chubby cheeks again!"

.......

But he doesn't listen to my request. Instead, Kita sighs and removes my two hands by the wrists – then carried on observing me with those dull doe eyes of his.

"(Y/N)." He said my name out in a deep tone.

"Uh-huh?"

"Are you drunk?"

Was I drunk? I asked myself in this very low state where I could see three Kita Shinsukes, one of them being purple.

I had reached out in an attempt to touch purple Kita, but ended up accidentally brushing past his ear instead.

So with that being my evidence, I guiltily looked off to the side, "Probably..."

.......

"If I kiss you will you remember it?"

I made eye contact with him again, doing a big and exaggerated shrug, "Mm...Don't know..." 

He goes silent to think, building up tension for himself only as I was still partially lost in space. But after ten seconds of his heavy self-contemplation, finally, he proceeds speaking...

"If you remember... Call me."

In a delayed manner, Kita's hands pulled me even closer towards his torso, our gap closing up completely, whereas my own arms laid beside my sides with zero sense of movement.

He gazed at me extremely carefully, analysing every angle of my face as if he was checking to see whether I was truly his previous ex-girlfriend.

"(Y/N) when you're drunk, you're extra obedient." He exhales a sigh of relief with the most kind smile and my ears went flushed red.

  "You haven't changed one bit." Kita whispered, his hot breath tickling my skin. And his breathing only got even more vivid when he inched nearer to reach my level.

Very soon, my eyes automatically shut once he decided to kiss me on the lips.

"..."

To my surprise, it was much more affectionate and tender than what I can remember from the past. But that's probably because it has been a while since I received a kiss like this from him, therefore I may have also forgotten the feeling of being touch-starved of Kita.

Yet, I wasn't rejecting how he moved his lips against mine earnestly and longingly...

I didn't take note of how it was a rather long kiss either.

  ...If I had to describe what type of kiss we shared, it would be similar to drinking a cold bottle of water during a frustratingly hot summer night in one huge gulp, and one massive breath...

That's what it felt like. 

    [Previous] [Contents] [Next]

[aristotlefms]

GREETINGS  ,  angel  .   i  am  praying  that  the  graphic  doesn’t  look  horrible  but  if  it  does  ?   please  pretend  it  doesnt   .   for  those  i  haven’t  gotten  a  chance  to  introduce  myself  to  ,  im  gianna  ╱   gi  .   im  nineteen  and  well   ?   absolute  trash  .   asdj  .  im  so  excited  for  this  group  and  even  more  excited  to  bring  you  your  scarlet  ,  aristotle  wolff  .   random  headcanons  and  more  about  his  background  has  been  on  my  mind  for  days  and  im  just  so  excited  to  share  them  all  with  you  ...  hopefully  it’ll  get  him  to  leave  me  alone  asdfg  .  i  did  write  this  at  4  in  the  morning  so  ???  if  it’s  gross  that’s  why  .   enough  rambling  though  ,  below  the  cut  you’ll  find  everything  you  need  to  know  about  him  ..  ENJOY  .

                       STATS .  here  ,  please  read  for  the  basics .  

                      PINTEREST .  here .

                      CHARACTER  INFLUENCES .  lip  gallagher  ,  charlie  st  cloud  ,   daemon  black  ,   hardin  scott  .  

                       SOUNDTRACK .  numb  to  the  feeling  ,  chase  atlantic  .  faith  ,  the  weeknd  .  feel  ,  phora  .  i  fall  apart  ,  post  malone  .  she  wonders  why  ,  astrus  .  gang  over  luv  ,  brent  faiyaz  .  wicked  games  ,  the  weeknd  .  ivy  ,  frank  ocean  .  gangstas  ,  pop  smoke  .  demons  and  angels  ,  a  boogie  wit  da  hoodie  .  

                                                                 AESTHETICS .

  pearly  whites  concealing  sad  hues  ,   collar  bones  painted  with  hikceys  ,  a  destined  path  carved  by  hands  that  are  not  his  own  ,  a  contagious  laughter  floating  in  the  night  sky  ,   the  memory  of  emerald  hues  haunting  his  dreams  ,  the  lingering  taste  of  bitter  whiskey  ,   calloused  digits  against  soft  skin  ,   footsteps  against  hardwood  floor  in  the  dead  of  the  night  ,  a  tattoo  needle  against  his  skin  whispering  he’s  alive  over  and  over  again  ,   a  soft  scent  of  cologne  and  cigarette  smoke  clinging  to  his  clothes  ,   abandoned  promises  that  weigh  heavy  on  his  shoulders  ,  moans  spilling  of  pleasure  coming  from  the  backseat  of  an  expensive  car  ,    black  rimmed  sunglasses  to  hide  bloodshot  hues  ,  his  heart  beating  in  his  ears  ,   a  never  ending  grief  . 

DOING  EVERYTHING  I  CAN  TO  FEEL  SOMETHING  .

CARELESS  ,      how  many  times  have  you  heard  that  ari  ?     i’d  tell  you  to  count  on  your  fingers  ,    but  you  might  run  out   .   enlighten  me  ,  disagree  .   tell  me  you’re  just  CURIOUS  .    what  ?  i  know  your  LOUD  MOUTH  is  resisting  the  urge  .  i  know  you  want  to  say  that  your  honeyed  hues  always  reflected  a  world  full  of  not  sorrow  ,  but  infinite  opportunities    .   possibilities  and  limits  without  boundaries  .    boundaries  you  pushed  at  every  given  chance  ,  DETERMINED   some  would  say  .   but  me  ?   i  would  say  ,  you’re  your  father’s  son  .    a  spitting  image  right  down  to  curly  locks  and  a  crooked  smile  .    that  assertiveness   in  your  heart  ?   it  was  gifted  by  masculine  hands  that  had  once  fought  the  WAR  of  the  streets               a  never  ending  battle  for  dominance  between  gang  violence  and  a  mother  that  had  a  sadness  so  great  she  spent  her  days  forgetting  her  own  name   .    it’s  okay  ,  i  know  you  didn’t  know  .  and  he  was  never  around  to  ask  ,   the  office  was  his  home  and  the  building  were  family  pictures  clung  to  the  walls  was  the  stranger  .  but   he  did  love  you  ,  affection  shown  in  the  form  of  absence  so  you’d  never  know  what  it  is  like  to  merely  survive  .   

and  i  know  you  want  them  ,     ANSWERS  ,  i  mean  .  but  when  you  ask  me  about  your  mother  ,  i  don’t  have  anything  you’ll  want  to  hear  .    your  first  words   ,  were  mama  ,  but  it  was  not  mama  who  was  there  to  witness  it  .                          that’s  the  reality  of  your  relationship  with  her  .   and   i  know  you’re  still  ANGRY  .   her  absence  was  willingly  ,   and  i  know  you  have  a  hard  time  FORGIVING  especially  when  it  comes  to  her  .   but  truth  is  ,  she  never  wanted  to  be  someone’s  mother  ,   and  it  made  her  feel  guilty  .    she  had  plans  .   and  all  of  them  consisted  of  tan  lines  and  gossip  over  wine  ,  none  of  them  included  your  sweet  whispers  of  i  love  you  .    but  her  not  wanting  to  be  a  mother  doesn’t  make  her  a  bad  person  ,  she  was  once  present  .   she  once  tried  .  and  i  don’t  mean  to  make  excuses  ,  NOTHING  could  excuse  it  .  but  she  knew  .  she  knew  she  could  never  be  what  you  needed  her  to  be  ,  so  she  ran  from  it  and  you   .  could  not  deal  with  how  badly  it  ate  at  her  .  and when  she  got  pregnant  a  second  time   and  your  baby  brother  came  11  months  after  you  ,  she  told  herself  that  it  was  for  YOU  .   that  if  she  could  give  you  one  thing  that  was  worth  anything  ,  it  was  someone  to  keep  you  company  .   it  was  IRRESPONSIBLE,   but  you  know  a  lot  about  that  ,  don’t  you  ?  that  wasn’t  a  jab  .  just  a  reminder  of  the  many  situations  where  your  good  intentions  came  back  to  bite  you  .   that  doesn’t  change  the  fact  that  i’m  sorry  ,  i’m  sorry  she  was  never  there  .  

your  baby  brother  ,      he  was  a  GIFT  .    i  know  you  know  that  .  he  was  more  then  company  ,  wasn’t  he  ?   you  guys  shared  BLOOD  but  it  was  not  just  blood  that  bonded  you   .  IRISH  TWINS  ,     that’s  the  official  term  .   siblings  born  less  than  12  months  apart  .   and  when  you  were  little  ,  that’s  what  everyone  referred  to  the  two  of  you  as  .  twins                     you   were  never  the  type  of  person  to believe  in  cheesy  things  such  as  soulmates  .  when  girls  would  intertwine  their  fingers  with  yours  and  purr  how  the  two  of  you  were  meant  to  be  together  ,  you  had  to  hold  back  laughter  .   but  the  older  you  got  ,  the  more  you  began  to  realize  that  you  and  dustin  ?  you  guys  split  from  the  same  soul  .   it  was  the  day  you  also  realized  that  soulmates  aren’t  just  the  romantic  cliche  in  the  movies  you  grew  up  believing  them  to  be  .   you  couldn’t  help  but  felt  guilty  ,    for  once  belittling  someone  for  believing  in  it  .  because  you  swore  ,  that  everyone  deserve  to  have  a  bond  like  you  and  your  brother  .  

your  nanny  ,      she  was  in  for  it   .   chasing  two  boys  around  the  house  who  could  run  before  they  could  walk  .    close  your  eyes  and  REMEMBER  it  ,    the  way  yous  once  laughed  with  one  another  .     mornings  with  syrup  dripping  on  your  chins  .    wrestling  in  the  living  room  despite  the  warning  from  miss  bailey  that  one  of  you  will  get  hurt  (  which  one  of  you  always  did  )  .    outsiders  might  say  you  two  brought  out  the  worst  in  each  other  (  mrs.  burke  did  when  she  refused  to  have  the  both  of  you  in  her  class  )  ,   but  anyone  who  really  knew  you  knew  how  good  for  each  other  you  were  .   mischievous  ,  but  aren’t  that  what  brothers  for  ?  built  in  partner  in  crimes  ?   best  friends  for  life  .  you  guys  were   inseparable  ,  so  inseparable  that  by  the  end  of  secondary  school   it  was  granted  that  you  were  put  in  different  classes  to  allow  room  for  others  .   you  DIDN’T  mind  ,   even  if  you  did  declare  how  idiotic  it  was  to  your  mother  over  the  phone  .    you  had  friends  .   a  lot  of  friends  .  but  friends  that  were  just  your  friends  ?  that  was  new  .   and  you  never  really  knew  how  to  feel  about  it  .  

high  school  ,       it  changed  your  life  .   i  know  you’ll  say  for  the  worst  ,  but  please  don’t  forget  about  all  of  the  good  that  came  out  of  it  .   the  teachers  ?  they  were  stuck  between  loving  and  hating  you  .   and  some  ?  didn’t  get  a  chance  to  do  either  with  how  much  you  skipped  their  class  .   you  kept  your  grades  up  only  to  continue  playing  hockey                    grades  were  the  only  thing  that  your  dad  actually  checked  .    you  enjoyed  the  social  scene  ,  and  by  social  scene  i  mean  getting  too  drunk  at  house  parties  and  being  rowdy  in  the  bleachers  .    when  you  looked  to  your  right  ,   you  had  a  whole  CREW  of  friends  who  somehow  stumbled  into  your  life  .  and  when  you  looked  to  your  left  ,  you  had  your  brother  .     you  sought  out  EXCITEMENT  ,   anything  to  get  your  heart  racing  .    you  were  IMPULSIVE  .   you  took  your  injustice  out  by  developing  a  CANTANKEROUS  attitude  that  got  you  into  fights  left  and  right  (  on  and  off  the  ice  )  .     high  school  is  when  you  got  your  first  job  ,  sixteen  and  tired  of  hearing  your  father  complain  about  you  needing  more  responsibility                        of  course  this  had  been  after  you  and  your  brother  got  caught  smoking    .    your  legs  landed  you  at   rainbow  point    with  a  confident  grin  and  TROUBLE  in  your  eyes  .  

BECAUSE  EVERYTHING  I  DO  FEELS  LIKE  NOTHING   

it  was  good  ,   you  struggled  but  you  were  happy  .    my  CARELESS  child  with  light  dancing  around  you  .   you  couldn’t  be  touched  ,  you  were  immortal  .   it  reflected  in  your  actions  ,  teenagers  huh  ?   but  we  all  know  there  can’t  be  good  without  the  bad  ,  and  for  you  i  wish  the  bad  had  been  a  broken  ankle  or  failed  SAT’S  .  but  it  wasn’t  .    the  bad  was  ripping  you  to  pieces  ,   beyond  repair  .    i  know  it  haunts  you  ,  the  accident    .   the  realization  when  you’re  eyes  focused  on  the  road  and  saw  a  blue  truck  headed  towards  you  ,  you  hate  the  color  blue  .   you  forgot  too  ,  that  dustin  had  taken  off  his  seat  belt  to  retrieve  the  phone  you  knocked  out  of  his  hands  because  he  was  getting  on   your  nerves  .    it  only  hitting  you  when  hues  opened  back  up  and  a  gaping  hole  the  size  of  a  body  remained  .    you  still  don’t  understand  how  it  could  be  ,  that  you  had  absolutely  no  scratches  .  but  your  brother  ?  he  no  longer  had  air  in  his  lungs  .

you’re  lost    ,     you  want  to  sob  like  a  child  with  hands  wrapped  around  you  whispering  it’s  going  to  be  okay  .    but  it  won’t  be  .      and  you  never  realized  how  lonely  your  house  was  ,  and  how  distant  your  parents  were  .    now  your  home  town  reminds  you  of  secrets  whispered  in  the  dark  and  talks  about  the  future  that  no  longer  exists  for  your  brother  .   you  left  after  that  summer   ,   in  the  beginning  you  missed  holidays  because  you  couldn’t  bare  the  sight  of  an  untouched  room  .  and  that  empty  seat  right  beside  you  dug  it’s  claws  into  your  chest  until  you  could  no  longer  breathe  .    you  HATE  your  home  town  ,  and  the  house  you  grew  up  in  .  and  if  you  could  choose  ,  you’d  never  go  back  .  so  why  do  you  ?   it’s  because  of  the  missed  calls  on  your  phone  from  the  ones  you  call  friends  .  you  feel  OBLIGATED  .   it’s  one  of  the  only  emotions  you  feel  ,  besides  guilt  and   grief    .   you  really  do  try  ,  to  move  on  .  to  feel  more  .  but  it’s  hard  for  you   .  so  you  hide  behind  spontaneous  adventures   and  the  bottom  of  a  whiskey  bottle  .    you  flash  pearly  whites  and  roll  around  in  sheets  with  women  you  could  never  love  like  they  love  you  .    you  ink  your  body  with  permanent  ink  because  it’s  the  only  permanent  thing  you’ll  ever  have  .    you  have  to  remind  yourself  that  you’re  alive  ,  you’re  alive  because  sometimes  you  forget  .   but  what’ll  you  never  forget  ?  is  that   ,  you  did  this                     that  reality  hits  you  when  you’re  at  your  weakest  .  it’s  the  one  that  screams  at  you  until  tears  hang  in  honeyed  hues  and  just  healed  wounds  are  ripped  open   by  your  favorite  punching  bag              the  mirror  .   but  that’s  okay  ,  isn’t  it  ?   because  when  the  sun  rises  ,  you’ll  go  out  and  replace  it   .     and  you’ll  pretend  that  you’re  fine  .  

#rainbowintro #tw: mention of car accident #tw: mention of addiction #if i missed any triggers please let me know #a connections page will be up soon !!

[headquarters90]

Grateful (Warrior of the Source 12)

Pairing: Darkiplier x French Goddess!Reader, Reader x Original Characters (Platonic/Family), Reader x Greek Gods/Goddesses!Characters

Words: 1,747 words

Warnings: Mental disorders

A/N: Hello, yes, another author’s note. However, this is a rather important one. There is a piece of a book within this part. I did not take it from a popular book nor did I take it from a book written by anyone but myself. The book mentioned is actually my book. You can read the book here. Please do not steal it. JadeDarrow

Series Masterlist

“Oh, you have so many guests, Y/N!” Thana, the French Goddess of Rebirth and your mother, exclaimed as she stepped into your dining room with your father, Thomas, in tow. “Hello, sister dear.”

“Thana,” Bellatrix greeted warmly as she kissed her cheeks. “You know well why she has so many guests.”

“Yes, yes. I know, sis. André, I hope you’ve been treating my Ange good,” Thana grinned as she hugged the Sin.

“Always, Thana.”

“And you must be Darkiplier.” Thana turned towards the entity and your eyes shot to Bellatrix before shifting to Angel who shifted on her feet.

Anti snorted beside you and you turned to stare at him as he grinned down at you.

“And you must be Anti,” she added and you stuck your tongue out at him as he looked at your mother. “I must say, calling my oldest doll can bring on a warning.”

“Mama,” you spoke, shaking your head. “He means nothing by it. Don’t make papa or the uncles suddenly feel the need to protect me.”

“Protect you from who?” Jean-Paul, the French God of the Sun and King, questioned as he appeared with Christina by his side.

“What is this about protecting?” Philippe, the French God of Sexual Longing and twin brother of Thomas, questioned and you sighed, taking your seat at the head of the table.

“Ares better not show,” Jean-Paul spoke, taking his seat beside Christina as he eyed the other end of the table.

“Ares and I separated, Uncle. I thought you knew?” You questioned, watching as others took their seats before your eyes lifted to Dark who scowled at the last reminding seat – the end of the table.

You got to be kidding me.

Your eyes moved to Hades who shrugged in response, settling in his seat beside Bellatrix.

“Ares wasn’t good for you anyways, dear.” Eva, the French Goddess of Life, patted your hand gently and you smiled at your aunt.

“He was just needed for the Great War, Auntie,” Angel snorted.

Soon, the dishes were served and your family and guests chattered among themselves.

Every Wednesday was a family dinner. It was your mother and aunt’s way of reentering the family after Bellatrix had brought them back during the Great War. You were often reminded just how big your family way.

You had your parents – Thana and Thomas, your aunts – Bellatrix and Eva, and your uncles – Jean-Paul, Philippe, and Pierre. Then there was your cousins – Juliette and Jean-Louis, your sister – Angel, and your cousins’ father – Christopher. And that doesn’t include the lovers a majority of them have. Eva and Christopher were the only twos – beside you – without lovers.

“Y/N, darling?”

Your eyes shot to your mother whose face held worry and you winced softly at the sight. One thing you found yourself constantly doing was worrying her. Ever since she was brought back, her focus had been on you and you wondered sometimes if Angel resented that but your mother always made sure to let your sister know she was included in everything the two of you did.

“Sorry, what were you saying?”

“Your father asked if you were looking for anyone,” she spoke and your eyes turned to your father who raised an eyebrow at the question, a secret smirk on his lips and you pursed yours.

“Not actively, no,” you answered.

“I have someone you might want to meet then.”

“Papa, I rather not. They’ll...expect too much from me since I am your daughter.”

“No, no. Not one of my friends, princesse. Zeus introduced me to him. I think you’ll have a lot of common with him. What was his name, Zeus? He’s your son.”

“Are you talking about Apollo?” Zeus questioned, looking over at Thomas.

“Apollo! Yes! He’s similar to you but different as well. You might like him,” Thomas spoke. “Wouldn’t you say, Juliette?”

“Apollo? Yeah, he seems like someone Y/N would get along with. May take them a while to be more than just fri-”

“If you’ll excuse me, I have better things to do than listen to some Goddess’ love life I don’t care for,” Dark deadpanned as he stood from his spot and your eyes lifted to his.

“Being a bit defensive there, buddy,” Anti commented and Dark glared at him, his hands raising in the air. “Just saying.”

“It would be wise to watch what you say,” Jean-Paul warned.

“I don’t care, foolish God.”

“Listen here-”

“Go, Dark, before you cause any trouble,” you spoke quick and fast, your uncle’s eyes snapping to you in annoyance as Dark rolled his eyes at your statement, turning to leaving. “Anyone else is free to go.”

“You just excused all your guests there, doll,” Anti snorted.

“All but you, apparently, Anti.”

Anti sent you a smirk as he leaned against his chair, waiting until only him and your family remained in the room.

“That’s because I know, doll.”

“Knows what?” Jean-Paul questioned.

“He knows?” Angel questioned, turning towards you. “He knows and you looked at me for telling mama.”

“He read the book before I could hide it.”

“Knows what?” Your uncle repeated in annoyance and Bellatrix sighed, rubbing her forehead.

“That Dark is one of three,” Anti butted in, the smirk still on his lips. “I can always speak to him for ya, doll.”

“I am not having this discussion in front of my family or with you,” you spoke, standing from your chair before wincing softly at the look of Thana’s face. “Mama-”

“You’re different than the Goddess from the Great War, my Fleur,” she stated, looking at you. “Different than the Goddess from a month ago even. More firm, more outspoken, more...daring. It’s impressive.”

“Im...pressive?” You questioned slowly, furrowing your eyebrows. “Impressive?”

You watched as a grin found your mother’s lips and you shook your head, your eyes drifting towards the doorway before taking your seat again.

“Let’s finish the meal,” you murmured, picking up the wine glass and bringing it to your lips.

~

A sigh left your lips as you opened your eyes, glancing towards the clock on your nightstand – 1:26AM. You’ve been trying to sleep since the family gathering ended at 11PM. You were falling back into old habits and you wanted to prevent it from happening but was failing.

Heaving another sigh, you sat up. Your feet touched the cold tile of your bedroom as you stood, your hand flying over an unlit candle that soon lit as you picked it up. You knew where you were going. You disappeared there every day on almost every hour. The one place you could find comfort.

Your eyes fell to the light that dimly shined underneath the doors of your library and tilted your head before you pushed it up, your eyes meeting Dark’s as his lifted to see who was entering.

“Not even in the dead of night can I escape you,” Dark scoffed and a frown found your lips but you made no comment, heading towards the corner nook.

Sitting down, you placed the candle on the windowsill and your eyes fell towards the book you had been reading – rereading actually. The one ability that you had yet to learn to control was the ability to know everything written in a book with one touch. A blessing and a curse.

Your sister had gifted you with a tablet, all your favorite books and more within it, but it wasn’t the same as reading with a physical copy of the book in your hand. You missed being able to turn the page because you wanted to know what was going on. You wanted to be able to exclaim “just one more chapter.” You could still get lost in a book – that was something that was never going to change. You just wished you had the same surprised as everyone else did when they read books with plot twists.

With a sigh, you turned your eyes towards the night sky above.

“I suffer from insomnia most nights,” you answered to the silent question as you felt his eyes glance towards you once more. “Some nights I’m up because of nightmares. They’re the main reason I suffer from insomnia, actually.”

“I don’t care.”

“I know.”

You needed to find another get away, another hobby that would let you leave reality. Maybe you should take up creative writing. Angel suggested that a time or two. You read enough to be able too but where would you start?

“It all started with the homeless. All governments declared that there were too many people in the world and to "cut back" on that, they were going to eliminate the homeless. Creating fewer people and completely wiping the homeless population. Their way of eliminating the homeless was brutal. They set up arenas throughout the countries and it was one on one fighting. Each country has a winner that was able to finally live off the streets. The winner was given unlimited access to anything they wanted and their new house was part of the rich communities.”

Your eyes shot to the entity, his own eyes on the pages of a book you had never seen before. Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion and your mouth opened to speak but he didn’t stop.

“Everyone knew what was coming. The rich were finally eliminating those they deemed unworthy, which was everyone that was below them. Middle-class to the homeless. Soon after the homeless were eliminated, the world was split into two categories. Locuples and Parvulus, Latin words that many have lost the meaning of. Ironically, fantasy books had been writing about these sorts of things,” he continued and you found yourself closing your mouth, choosing to listen instead of comment.

“One person decided to split the world to "protect" it and then years after doing so, someone, usually, a girl, makes the big impact to change it. I've read books like it before. I still do. I'm a Parvulus and Parvulus' themselves have certain aspects they most do. Men do the hard labor while women do the other stuff. My mother runs the local bookstore while my father runs a construction company, both are funded by a sponsor who is a Locuples. My twin sister and I help my mother ran the bookstore.”

Your eyes returned to the sky above as a small smile found its way to your lips as he continued to read aloud. You don’t know where it suddenly came from but you were grateful. You needed it.

#darkiplier x reader #darkiplier x french!goddess!reader #Darkiplier #warrior of the source series #darkiplier series

[shkspr]

hey do you have any advice on figuring out your sexuality? I don't know what your experience has been but im struggling

anon, i am deeply sorry that it took me so long to answer this. it’s a combination of the fact that you can’t edit a draft of an ask on mobile (wack) and the fact that i’ve been trying to figure out how to say what i want to say (normal, i feel). anyway, this is what i’ve got, and i hope it helps.

first off, due to the nature of the things i’m discussing here, i want to state unequivocally that i am a lesbian who is open to relationships with trans women because i am attracted to women, and trans women are women. if anybody touches this post with their transmisogyny i will cast the evil eye on them. 

for what it’s worth, my experience with my own sexuality has been a long, hard process, and it’s been heavily, undeniably affected by my simultaneous journey with my gender identity, my personal identity, my childhood trauma, and my mental health. pretty much from the ages of 13 to 19 i was in a constant state of questioning everything about myself as a person. the only reason i even considered i might not be straight was bc i had friends who were not straight and i admired them. you can see how that would be confusing to a small teen who is already insecure about being a poser and a fake in every other aspect of life.

once i really examined what i was feeling, and talked it out with some of the aforementioned friends, i could admit that i wasn’t pretending, and that’s when i began identifying as bi. i wove in and out of different terminologies for a few years, burned thru several nb identities and several aspec identities, but the bottom line was that i was attracted to my own gender and other genders, and that was solid for a while.

when i was 18, i began thinking that i might be a lesbian bc, shock of shocks, i had made some very cool lesbian friends whom i admired. and i pretty much pushed that idea out of the way for a bit, telling myself it was not the truth, that i just wanted to feel special and cool, i just wanted to fit in. but then, shock of shocks again, i talked to some of my cool lesbian friends and they were very understanding and accepting and explained to me why all the reasons i thought i “couldn’t” be a lesbian were actually bullshit. 

so then i was a lesbian! and i spent a long time exploring my relationship with sex and found that i wasn’t asexual; some people are, and that’s cool! but my experience wasn’t a lack of sexual attraction or desire, it was a fear of vulnerability and a traumatic history with sexual content. i still had (or have) a complex experience with sex, and a muddy picture of gender, and a deeply flawed concept of interpersonal relationships, but i am a lesbian. and i’ve been comfortable with that for a while now, and i don’t foresee myself changing how i feel about that, but unexpected things can happen. 

and even though i’m comfortable with being a lesbian and calling myself a lesbian, there are always going to be things that give me pause. the thing is, the main way that i’ve changed and grown in this regard, is that those things don’t make me seriously question myself anymore. i’m secure enough in my sexuality to know that comphet, genderfeels, societal bias, etc etc, doesn’t make me less of a lesbian, even though it might feel like it sometimes.

that’s what it’s been like for me. my experiences are not universal, but i do happen to know that some of them are fairly common. but there’s also no right or wrong way to find yourself. there’s no rush, there’s no requirement. it is confusing and difficult more often than not, in a lot of different and scary ways. that being said, if there’s one piece of advice you take away from this post, it’s to always remember that your experiences are your own, and nobody else can decide for you what they mean or what to do with them.

it’s like this: you know when people say “everyone’s a little bit bisexual”? that’s not true, obviously. but i think there’s a truth hidden underneath it, and i think it’s a common experience that erroneously leads some people to that belief. no matter how you identify, there is almost always going to be something - compulsory heterosexuality, personal trauma that makes sex or romance uncomfortable, past relationships, one (1) very attractive man, whatever it is - that makes you think you’re wrong. even if you know you’re right. there’s always going to be something that could at any moment cause you to stop and think: wait, am i lying to myself?

and some people are not as vulnerable to those thoughts! some people go thru their daily lives and very rarely, if ever, consciously question their sexuality or their perception or performance of it. but other people are more susceptible to the thought spirals and the self-doubt and the confusion, and society at large feeds that and feeds upon it. for every lesbian you meet, there’s seven people giving twelve different reasons why they can’t be a “real” lesbian. for every bisexual person you meet, there’s a handful of thinkpieces about bisexuality that contradict their experiences. and so on and so forth. and that’s enough to cause a lot of indecision and anxiety.

but it’s also very freeing to take that thought and follow it to its necessary conclusion: that nobody on earth can tell you what your sexuality is. sure, if you’re a woman who feels genuine attraction to men and wants to pursue sex or relationships with them, you’re not a lesbian. that’s just because words have meanings. but you get to decide what “genuine attraction” is to you, and you get to decide whether you’re comfortable pursuing those relationships. and that’s just one example; the same logic applies broadly.

the bottom line is really that agonizing over labels and definitions just means you miss the forest for the trees. in a practical sense, in real life, who would you want to date, marry, kiss, have sex with, etc.? without thinking about what you should do, what you should want, what you’d be able to do if you had to, what you did last week, internet discourse, a dream you had when you were 12, whatever, none of it is relevant except insofar as it informs your current feelings on the matter. you’re not obligated to choose a label, and if you want one then there’s no deadline to pick one, and once you do you’re not locked into an identity for life.

which is all to say that no, not everybody is a little bit bisexual, but nobody is 100% anything, in this or any other facet of life. and that doesn’t mean that people’s sexualities aren’t valid; they are valid, but they aren’t objective or concrete in the way we would often like them to be. they’re helpful labels for explaining something that is actually unfathomably complicated. so whatever you do, whatever you decide: you don’t need to be sure, you don’t need to be right, you don’t need to be a certain kind of person, you don’t need to be anything in particular. you just need to be comfortable. 

#Anonymous #long post --- #ok to rb #gd this is a doozy

[lucy-sky]

Birthday Headcanons Vol. 2

Happy Birthday my dear friend and Rockwell Psycho soulmate @magnetoserik!!! 

I’ve already written a longer introduction to this post, but Tumblr didn’t save it. Pretty frustrating because I planned to make 3 things for your Birthday, but due to these sudden health issues managed to finish just this one... And it doesn’t let me post it! Okay, attempt #2:

Here you will see the characters who didn’t take part in Birthday headcanons last year (however there’s a little bonus in the end). Some of them might be a bit too cheesy (Charley), sorry for that. Also I apologize for possible mistakes and promise to correct them later (that’s why I put the whole text under “read more” thingy) Hope you enjoy these anyways and they will make you smile :)

Once again, Ily and I am really really blessed to have you in my life.

Hugs, Lucy 

Update: Mistakes corrected, woohooo!!! Well, most of them, I hope :DDD

Victor Mancini

You’ve just recently started dating and it’s important for Victor to show you that you mean way, way, WAY more than just a sexual partner for him. Normal relationship is something still new and a bit confusing for him, but he’s trying his best. So he asks you out on a classic date: a movie and a dinner. What could go wrong? Yet, you didn’t make it to the dinner. Who knew the lovely romantic movie Vic chose for this date would suddenly become such a turn on for both of you. You could blame it on the movie setting, or the chemistry between the characters, or… But who are you lying to? The truth is – yes, there was chemistry, but mostly between the two of you. You enjoyed his closeness, his hand on yours, stroking your skin gently… Eventually you ended up shamelessly kissing and cuddling, thankfully the cinema hall was half empty… Somehow you managed to watch the movie until the end, but afterwards the only thing you both could think about is bed. So instead of the dinner you headed straight to your place and had a really passionate night (honestly, you almost did it right at the door, if you get what I mean…) In the morning Vic, with a slightly guilty look on his face presented you a chocolate cupcake with a lit candle on top of it.

- It was in my bag all the time, but uhhh… I completely forgot…

- That’s okay, - you say with a soft chuckle. - Not that we had much time for that…

- Wonder why all my attempts to be sweet and romantic end up naked in bed like this, - Victor murmurs as you cuddle closer to him. - It’s more than that with you, do you know that?

- Sure, - you reply, stroking his soft messy hair. - I don’t have any doubts.

John Moon

John loves hiking. You love it too. So you both liked the idea of celebrating your birthday together, just you and him, in a place far away from the annoying hustle and bustle of the city. You grab your favorite snacks and drive along the woods to the mountains. You find the most beautiful place with an amazing view on the autumn forest. When you stand there together, him holding your hand, you feel like you’re on top of the world and no one can reach you. You make photographs and John watches you, smiling silently. He loves seeing you so happy and excited.

In the evening before heading home you kiss at the campfire, him holding you close to keep you warm. Instead of a Birthday cake you have coffee from the thermos and baked marshmallows for dessert.

John didn’t forget about a present for you too, it’s a small and simple silver pendant in a shape of your favorite flower – a daisy. There are quite a lot of things you like about John, and the fact that he remembers some small details about you which may seem unimportant, is one them.

You come back home pretty late. At Cecil’s farm down the hill the lights are already out. You feel sleepy after such a long day, so you go straight to bed where you make love gently and tenderly and fall asleep in each other’s arms.

Coach Bill

Oh no… His team is playing today!.. You’re a tiny bit sad that he’s busy, but of course you understand. Bill has a suggestion: how about you come and see the game, and afterwards you’d go celebrate your Birthday to your favorite Italian restaurant that serves best pizza in town. You’re not the biggest basketball fan, but you’re always ready to support him (and pizza sounds great too), so you agree on that plan.

So, here you are now, in a school gym, screaming and cheering your boyfriend’s team. After the first period it’s time for the cheerleaders’ performance. At some point you see them unfurling a big banner and your eyes widen in surprise as you see your name and a “Happy Birthday” on it. Bill runs up to you with a wide grin on his face, offers you a hand and leads you to the center of the field. Everyone is clapping to you and you are shocked and incredibly flattered.

The game goes well, Bill’s team wins and as you approach to congratulate them, they all thank you and wish you a Happy Birthday too. Bill asks if you liked his surprise and you tell him how overwhelmed you are and that it’s the most epic thing someone ever did for you.

- And the banner, Bill!.. Did the girls help you making it?..

- Uh, no, you see… I got this idea rather late, so I had to paint it myself, that’s why it’s far from being perfect… But I’m glad you appreciate the attempt, - Bill laughs and you can see him blushing.

- I think it’s absolutely perfect, - you say, as you hug him tightly, pressing your lips to his.

Guy Fleegman

You go to the geek store together, where you spend quite a lot of time discussing books, comics, toys and other cool thingies. Eventually you find costumes and other cosplay stuff. Of course you have to try all these on! In the end you decide to buy something, because the shop assistants already start giving you not very friendly looks… So you choose Princess Leia’s costume for you and Han Solo’s – for him.

Without taking the costumes off you head to the city center and just have fun there walking around and taking funny photos together and with people you meet on the way. It’s a lovely day and your inner child is absolutely happy.

Bob Fosse

To be honest you are pretty sure that Bob forgot about your Birthday. You’re a bit sad about it, but not surprised. You know very well how he can get lost in his work completely. Yes, you prefer to think it’s work, not some other women involved… You’re in relationship for quite a while, but this man is still a mystery for you. You’re not sure how serious this relationship is for him. Anyway, you don’t want to think about it today. You just put on a nice dress and go out with your best friends.

It was a lovely evening, you had fun, but since it’s a weekday, you arrive home before midnight. As you enter your apartment, you immediately hear the phone ringing. Of course it’s Bob. He asks you to come over.

- Bob, it’s late and I’m exhausted, - you say.

- Take a taxi, I’ll pay for it. Come on, y/n… I need to see you…

Mentally cursing yourself for being so weak you agree.

Bob meets you at the door and kisses your hand. As you follow him into his apartment, you see a table served for two, candles twinkling. Music is playing softly.

- Happy Birthday, - says Bob, giving you one of these charming gentle smiles of his.

- Oh, Bob… - You’re a little lost for words. – I… I thought you forgot…

- How could I, sweetheart?

- Well, you’ve been so busy these days we hardly saw each other, - you shrug. He reaches out to stroke your cheek as he looks you in the eye.

- That’s true. And trust me or not, but I missed you as hell. So I ordered some nice food and wine, and… We can finally have some time together, just you and me. How about that?

He sounds honest, or you just want to believe him. You don’t want to analyze it right now.

- Sounds amazing, - you reply, letting him pull you into a gentle yet passionate kiss.

Bucky “The Kid”

Bucky tells you it’s a surprise, so he covers your eyes and doesn’t let you open them while he leads you to his place. When you finally open your eyes, you see a throne made from an old yet pretty cozy armchair on a pedestal of wooden boxes, all decorated with flowers, garlands and twinkle lights. It looks too much in a way, but still really cool. Bucky suggests you get on this throne and pronounces you The Queen of these woods. Of course he didn’t forget to make a crown for you.

Bucky also managed to find a cassette with your favorite movie and you watch it together on his old TV set, eating snacks he prepared for the occasion: cookies, chips, sweets and chocolate bars.

- Oh my god, Bucky! - You laugh. - It looks like a 12 year old kid robbed a supermarket!

- So what! We’re having a party! But if you don’t want this or this, don’t worry – I’m pretty much able to eat all this alone…

- Nah-huh. Don’t even think of it, - you reply, grabbing a chocolate bar.

In the evening there are also fireworks.

Later, you cuddle with him in bed under the stars, and it feels so weird, absolutely surreal. But also incredibly beautiful.

Pero Maholovic

The district Pero lives in is far from being a luxury one. He doesn’t have much money to take you out to a fancy restaurant or something. But he’s one of those guys who can create romance out of nothing, and this kind of romance is always the most sincere. You spend a lovely evening on the rooftop, sitting on a blanket, drinking wine and watching the sunset. 

Pero’s gift for you is a big bunch of bright yellow balloons. 

- They’re just as shiny as you are, - he says.

Together you make paper airplanes, write your dreams and wishes on them and let them fly. 

When it gets darker and colder, you get inside his flat. Pero makes you coffee. The radio plays softly and he pulls you into a playful dance. You wrap your arms around his neck as he hugs your waist, bringing you closer, and then you kiss devotedly, until he eventually grabs you tightly in his strong boxer’s arms, lifts you up and heads to the bedroom.

Francis

Francis has big plans for tonight. First – he takes you to a shooting club. You’re not sure how you feel about this idea, because you were never really interested in guns and shooting, but later you understood why he chose this place – him teaching you how to shoot is actually sexy as hell. You love him speaking in this quiet voice, standing so close your bodies almost touch, his hand on yours… In the end you really enjoyed it and it also gave you some sort of adrenaline rush.

Afterwards you go to a party in a club. There’s a dancing competition, and Francis wouldn’t be Francis if he didn’t convince to take part in it. Once again a new experience for you – you don’t mind dancing in general, but competition… You’ve never consider yourself confident enough for such things. However with him you managed to catch the right mood, and you even win a bottle of expensive champagne which you drink together in bed a couple of hours later.

Robert Goode

Robert is an absolute sweetheart. He brings you flowers and a big box of your favorite candies. He takes you out to a nice bar where a jazz band is playing. Surprisingly it turned out that a couple of the band members used to study with Robert. When they learn about your celebration they play Happy Birthday to you in your honor and all the audience is clapping. Later they invite Robert to play with them, and after a bit of hesitation he sits at the drums. He does really good and you feel proud about your boyfriend.

The rest of the evening you dance, drink, enjoy great music and nice company. Then he takes you home. The weather is lovely even though it’s autumn, so you decide to walk instead of taking a taxi. You hold hands, talk about nothing and everything at once, admire the lights of the night city… You even sing and dance a little on your way. As you get to your porch and it’s time to say good night, you just can’t let him go and after a passionate makeout session at your door you decidedly invite him in. Rob doesn’t seem to mind.

Eddie

Eddie is quite a simple guy. You just take a long stroll with him around the city center. You kick the leaves in the park, take coffee to go, walk into some funny or geeky stores you see on your way, take silly photographs, buy the biggest and the spiciest pizza in a cozy diner, talk and laugh a lot… You feel very comfortable with him, even though you’ve just started dating it feels like you know each other for ages.

In the evening you go to the amusement park where you eat cotton candy and caramel apples; Eddie wins you the biggest teddy bear, and then you kiss on the top of the Ferris wheel.

Charley Ford

Charley’s all sweet and shy. He brings you a bunch of wildflowers and kisses your cheek. You go to one of your favorite places – a beautiful meadow not far from the forest river, hidden from strangers’ eyes by the tall trees.

Lying there on the grass, you watch the clouds passing above you, talk about what you see in them. He holds your hand and you snuggle closer to his chest, feeling warm, calm and safe. Charley kisses the top of your head, and as you look up at him and see his soft and loving gaze, you both know there is no need for words. His lips finally capture yours in a gentle kiss, and for a while the entire words slips out of existence. There’s just you and him, his soft but determined lips, his warm breath against your skin and the sound of your hearts beating together.

Bonus #1: 

Biker! Silas Groves

Silas is not a very big fan of crowded and loud parties. Also you’re really special for him so he wants this day to be for just the two of you. You both hop on his bike and head to the seaside. It’s a bit chilly there at this time of year, the weather is rather cold, but it’s still very beautiful and calm. There’s no one else except you and it’s amazing.

You walk along the beach holding hands, and Silas hugs you tightly, wrapping in his leather jacket to protect you from the wind. You collect seashells and take a few nice photographs of this stunning landscape. You've got coffee in the thermos and Silas has a small flask of whiskey to keep you warm. After a while you leave the beach and spend some time walking around the town. You know in summer there are quite a lot of tourists, but now it’s unusually empty and calm. Most of the bars and cafes are closed, but you still manage to find a lovely diner to have lunch.

Since it’s already pretty late and you drank a bit, you choose not to get back on a bike tonight and stay at a small but pretty cozy hotel. As you got a little cold during your walk, you decide to take a warm shower. Soon Silas joins you and his strong arms wrapping around you, his lips peppering your neck and shoulders with soft kisses, his tickling beard against your skin and his firm body pressing closer to yours warmed you up a lot more than hot water.

You woke up rather late, Silas a bit earlier than you, as usual. You ordered breakfast in the room, and after regaining some energy, you’ve spent a couple more delicious hours in bed before getting back on the bike and heading home.

Bonus #2: 

Jason Dixon

- Hey there! - You smile, entering the kitchen. - How are you guys doing?

- Heeeey, Birthday Girl! - Jason beams at you happily. - We didn’t expect you that early, right, little man?

The little boy giggles in his chair as you come over to give him and your husband a kiss.

- Didn’t you enjoy the girls’ night, huh? - Jason frowns.

- I did! Thank you so much for letting me go, - you reply contently, sitting on his lap, your arm wrapping around his shoulder, as he hugs your waist. - But… I just missed you two so much!

- Well we missed you too, and we made something for you, actually.

- What’s that? - You raise your eyebrow curiously. - Oh! You made me a Birthday card! How cute!

On a sheet of cardboard you see a big sun painted with yellow gouache. It grins at you happily. Its rays are made of spiral pasta noodles, also colored with gouache. Above this work of art there is a caption “You are our sunshine!”

- You like it? - Jason smiles proudly.

- It’s the best card I’ve ever seen, - you say honestly. - Can’t believe you made it by yourselves!

- Bill did a great job, I almost didn’t help him!

You look at your son, who is apparently more interested in coloring another sheet of paper with an orange crayon rather than paying attention to his parents’ conversation.

- I’m very proud of my boys, - you say, leaning in to kiss Jason again.

- That’s not the only surprise, you know, - he smirks against your lips.

- Really?

- Uh-huh. Since it’s your Birthday, I’m gonna grant your any wish tonight… After we get the little one to bed, of course, - he winks.

This playful tone of his never fails to make you weak.

- Oh yeah? - You chuckle, stroking his hair. - Any wish? Absolutely?

- Abso-effin’-lutely, - your husband replies, raising his eyebrows. - I can even wear my uniform…

- Oooh, - you laugh. His jokingly-seductive attitude is absolutely adorable. - And what about the handcuffs, officer?

- Shhh… Let’s not talk about that in front of the kids… - Jason smiles, and you shiver as he kisses the side of your neck. - I’ll think about it though…

You look at his face. His features are so familiar and dear to you. Sometimes, as you look at him like that, and he looks back at you with this tender gaze, and his green eyes are sparkling, the feelings overwhelm you and you feel so lucky you can hardly believe it.

- You know you’re the most precious gift for me, right? - You ask, reaching out to stroke his cheek. - Both of you.

He just nods, kissing your lips again. No need for words, you already know that he feels the same.

- You’ll gonna love me even more after you learn about my most epic surprise, - he murmurs softly in between the kisses, - I ordered pizza...

*

Thanks for reading, and once again - 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

#sam rockwell #headcanon #lucy tries to write #Happy Birthday! #rockwell psychos l and m

[mrsmess]

Faves and fails of SPN (season 12):

Favorite episodes in chronological order:

12:3 The Foundry - Mylings! Nuff said. And I knew it as soon as I heard the baby cry. And that makes me feel good about me.

12:4 American Nightmare - Stigmata. Dean dressed as a priest getting stuck looking at a boy lighting a candle in the church. Mr Mess: ”Dean! Time and place!” Sam wasting his sensemaking on a relentlessly angry Dean as usual, but then laying the hard truth on the crazy lady - is it hot in here?

12:5 The One You’ve Been Waiting For - Nazi dirtbags! Referencing one of the great episodes of season 8 too. Good. Good. And Allison Paige is friggin’ beautiful! Nauhaus is such a spoofy villain I think this is a comedy. ”Do you know what it’s like to have en nazi necromancer as a father?” ”He had a guy named Fritz try to kill me!” GOLD.

12:6 Celebrating the life of Asa Fox - badass-intro. And Jody. Hunter community! Canadian hunter community! Here for it. Bucky, or as I like to call him: demon nr 5 from early season.... single digits.

12:7 Rock never dies - Loving this glam-metal thing. Crowley in LA. And omg! Cass being snarky with Dean of all people. ”Atleast I don’t look like a lumberjack.” I laughed. And Mr Mess pointed out that Cass is tired, that that’s why he snapped, and it dawned on me that Cass is *choosing* to be kind under normal circumstances. My heart! ”I work for sexists, rasists, even politicians.” Lol. Loving the group dynamic of the four. But I’m a bit disappointed that Lucifer can’t chill, he could have had so much fun.

12:11 Regarding Dean - A goofy Dean episode. That’s rarely bad news. I like Rowena in this, she’s rly growing on me.

12:15 Somewhere between heaven and hell - Honesty’s the best policy, signed, Dean. Hear, hear! ”So, ten years ago did you rly want something? Like, a Hello Kitty backpack or the death of an enemy?” Lol! Dean and Crowley and Lucifer breaking free! Dean is a hoot this episode. Sam, killing the hellhound like a pro, and thanking Crowley. And Crowley kicking Lucifer’s ass. That’s the stuff. And Sam being honest with Dean and Dean being all reasonable about it! Loving it!

12:16 Ladies drink free - Claire! Nuff said. Loving everyone this episode, except Mick of course, but my homicidal thoughts at the sight of his beard have lessened. ”The experiment was on mice.” Werewolf-mice! XD

12:17 The british invasion - Eileen! God this show needs more women, the brothers are so much better dealing w them, which I guess is a problem on its own. ”Make your voice a mail.” Oh Cass. Eileen and Sam! My heart! Am I shipping this? God I hope not, it’ll mean instant death. God, Mick is an idiot, I mean, I’m obv digging his change of heart, but apparently he hasn’t learned a thing in the entire life he’s worked for his fucky organization.

12:18 The memory remains - Goodness. Loving this intro. Taxidermist sheriff. Man, sometimes I feel these quirky characters are wasted on the just-passing-through format. ”Hunting people! Killing them! The family business!” Lol.

Fail episodes in chronological order:

12:1 Keep Calm and Carry on - ”You’re bad at your job.” Sure, she has a point, but as generous as this british chick’s offer is, her pitch is somewhat lacking. A torture montage is the quickest way to wind up on the fail list. Also ”break his mind”? That’s what it’s like inside Sam’s head *all* the time.

12:2 Mamma Mia - A sexscene featuring Dean Forrester is the second quickest way to wind up on the fail list. You say his name is Sam Winchester? Nah. Nope. Not buying it. Listen, I know I talk a tall game about being a big Sam-fan, I just don’t ship him with a.n.y.o.n.e. So what the sexscene isn’t real!? I still had to see it with my own orbs of sight. ”Your job was to find american hunters and gain their trust.” I’m howling! Maybe *you’re* rly bad at your job, lady!

12:10 Lily Sunder has some regrets - uhm... using demon number 5 to play other randos throughout a 15 season show I’ll forgive them for but you can’t use the same distinct actor (Ian Tracey) to play two distinctly different characters (Lee/Ishim) and not acknowledge it, especially when they could easily explain it as Lee’s body being possessed by Ishim. It ruins the whole episode for me. Also, I’m rooting for the ”bad” guy.

12:14 The raid - The british men of letters are the worst, they are worthless recruiting agents, salesmen and got crappy intel; where the Winchesters go the rest of the american hunters will follow? Pretty sure the opposite is true: ”Oh shit, the Winchesters are joining ’em? Better stay as far away from that shit as possible!” Also Mary’s being more than a little silly and I’m surprised Sam didn’t give her some speech about how he used to aim for big things like killing the devil, closing the gates of hell, before learning to settle for more realistic goals, like, staying alive, keepin your brother alive, savoring the occasional win, y’know, for the sake of your mental health. Anyhoo; Sam’s reaction on finding out Mary gave the Colt to the british men of letters might have been enough put it on the fave list but there are just so many icky characters and so many shots of Mick’s ugly beard I can’t let it slide. Plus Sam winds up joining these assholes. Boooohhhh!

12:20 Twigs & twine & Tasha Banes - Jeez. Petition to have Dean always justify his icky feelings about something w the Star Wars classic ”i got a bad feeling about this.” It would save time and my sanity. Also I have issues w Mary not being reasonable and understanding the basics about the life she and the boys are leading - you’re in or out, but there’s no finishing it w/o finishing yourself. Is this season’s big bad trying to annoy me to death? And the other hunters? What is it with this show and any other fun or awesome characters? Sorry, can’t keep ’em on, it’s a density-thing.

12:21 There’s something about Mary - Booohh! First Eileen, my bae (did I call it or did I call it?) and then the entire episode is full of The Big Annoying. First episode I didn’t bother finishing. Screw this season.

12:23 All along the watchtower - honestly I don’t get the constant jokes about IKEAs manuals, they’re all pictures, you don’t even need to be able to read to read them. Crowley <3 Plz spare me this show’s take on child birth, really just any show, (how is it possible that it’s so frickin’ hard to get right??), but especially this show’s. And Crowley. And Cass. And Mary. Such an intense bummer.

Honorable mentions:

Crowley blowing up Rowena’s scammer! And Rowena’s reaction! ”That is the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for me!” Covered in blood. Priceless.

Cass and his sass is on this season. He’s so done w everyone. The exasperation!

The hug at the end of 12:22.

Dishonorable mentions:

Dean and Sam making a deal to get out of jail, kinda unepic w a predictable outcome.

Mediocre mentions:

The entire episode Stuck in the middle (with you) - It’s a Reservoir Dogs reference right? And it works very well until you realize that, then you just start missing Tarantino’s poignant dialogue about tipping (not fucking!) your waitress. The return of the yelloweyed bloodline. Bound to happen with Mary back. Don’t care about that but I do care about Crowley being back and being awesome. The Dukes of Haphazard. That’s good, I’ve just been referring to them as the Two Stooges.

The episode Who we are - There are separate aspects of this I like: Dean and Sam blasting their way out of the bunker, Jody and Alex, Dean dreamwalking Mary back home. Ackles is a genius with this sort of thing. But it’s just so silly: The british men of letters are just so unepic, it ruins everything, wraps it in a mediocre blanket: They’re bad at their job, have inexplicable motivations, are such annoying stereotypes the only way this would be a win would’ve been if Sam’s speech went something along the lines of ”I’ve had this fly buzzin’ around my ear all year, I could use your help squashing it.” But at least, then they do.

Summing up:

I’m rly enjoying the warped relationships early in the season. Crowley and Cass. Rowena and Lucifer, Rowena and Crowley. Sam, Dean and Mary. But my usual creed about the gooey middles of seasons doesn’t hold true this time and I rly feel like it gets good only when it’s almost over. And honestly on whole the season is the worst so far. The british men of letters are so annoying and they’re everywhere, tainting everything. Ugh.

#supernatural #spn meta #no longer a rewatch #no this is not a supernatural blog #favorite episodes

[missblissy]

May I request number 12- Apology / Forgiveness- from the Cotton candy prompt list for Javier please?

Cotton Candy Fluff Writing Prompts

Send me a number 1 thru 50 for a word that I’ll use to write a fluffy headcanon, drabble, or starter. Send 🔄  for a random number instead. WARNING: some prompts listed are NSFW. (SOURCE)

12 - Apology/Forgiveness

((Thank you so much for requesting this!! I hope you like it!! This is a little angsty so hold on tight folks.))

The days had been getting longer and longer, and with that, they became harder to deal with. Your heart was growing heavier as more people fled the gang, leaving because Dutch was finally losing his mind. You wanted to flee too, but for some reason, you just couldn’t bring yourself to run away from the only family you’ve ever known.

It didn’t help that everyone was at each other’s throats. You had just got done fight with Bill over the stupidest thing. You couldn’t even bring yourself to remember the reason why that fat drunk came bothering you. Something about not pulling your weight.

You sat by yourself on the furthest rock away from camp. It didn’t help that you had been fighting with just about everyone in camp. You were one of the only women left, so the men felt the need to remind you that and how much you were holding them back. It wouldn’t have hurt if Javier wasn’t on that side of the fence. His views had been shifting, he was swaying more and more into Dutch’s crazy ideas lately.

When you brought up the idea of fleeing the gang, he got very upset with you. He said loyalty above all else was the only important thing, and if you couldn’t be loyal to Dutch, then get lost. He was really choosing Dutch over you. After all the shit you’ve been through together? Oh, it hurt, it really hurt.

While you were sitting on the rock, you could hear people approach quickly on their horses. For the second, you were worried that the Pinkertons finally found you yet a third time. Thank god it wasn’t them. Slowly, you watched Javier return with Micah and those two new friends of his. You shared a glance before you quickly looked away and choose to stare at some bushes.

He could see the pain on your face, and it tore him. He shouldn’t have said those words to you, but he also knew that without loyalty to Dutch, he’d be on the run again. He had to admit, Dutch had been doing things he didn’t really agree with. Like leaving John to be hanged? He was quietly thankful for Arthur and Sadie’s rebellious nature, he wished he could have done so too. Maybe it was time to leave? No... Not yet. Dutch was talking so much about this train full of military pay. Maybe he could get a big cut and run then? He couldn’t leave without money, and he’d have to leave without Dutch knowing. Maybe it was really just fear that kept Javier there. Fear the Dutch would rat him out and return him to Mexico to be tortured and killed. And in his short life, he found out that most powerful leaders use fear to keep you in place. This must surely be it.

Javier hitched his horse and ignored Micah’s obnoxious voice as he walked over to you with caution.

“(Y/N),” You didn’t bother looking at him, so he said again, “(Y/N)... I...”

“What do you want?” You stayed sitting on the rock and made sure to look in the other direction. You didn’t want to meet his gaze, “Want to tell me how useless I am again?”

You couldn’t see it but he winced at your cold words, “No-”

“Then what?” You cut him off, snapping your head towards him and glaring daggers, “What on earth could you have to say now?” It hurt to say those words and it hurt to watch him avoid your gaze.

You really didn’t want to fight anyone else today. You sighed and turned your head again, looking to the forest and said quietly again, “What do you want?” You sounded so defeated and tired. Honestly, you were tempted to get up and go to your horse and just leave and never come back.

He could tell he really hurt you earlier. It wasn’t right what he said, “I-” he couldn’t find his words, “(Y/N)...” God this was hard, “I’m sorry,” He finally muttered out.

Still, you didn’t look at him, “For what?” The venom in your voice caused him to flinch again.

Javier rubbed the back of his neck and looked at you, waiting for you to meet his gaze, “Things have been.... bad, recently,” He looked around the very empty camp. He missed those who left and missed those who died even more. Why did it have to be this way, “It’s tense here, I shouldn’t have snapped at you earlier. I’m sorry,”

Biting your lip hard you shook your head, “I’m not good enough. I get it. I know what you meant. I haven’t really brought in any money in a few weeks,” You looked at him with pain in your eyes, “Just... Go help Dutch. Go be loyal to him, and no else. Watch yourself get rich and move to a whole new country that doesn’t want you there either.” It was pretty clear you hadn’t forgiven him, you slid off the rock and stood there, tempted to wait and hear what he had to say.

To your surprise, Javier step closer to you, grabbed your arm lightly and tugged it, “Can we go for a walk, please?” You really wanted to say no, you really did, but you just nodded your head and followed him.

This was all very hard, Javier was more torn now than he had ever been before. As you walked out of camp and into the unknown forest he cleared his throat and said, “You know how I told you about my home? My family?”

You weren’t sure where he was going with this, you just nodded your head and kept walking.

“I remember, when I was much younger, I had to leave them to keep them safe. My own family would die if I stayed to close. That’s why I came here to America.This...” He gestured back to the camp. You could hear Arthur fight with Micah, “As bad as it is,” Javier gave you a pleading look to just look at him. You slowly did meet his gaze, “This is my family too. I swore I’d never leave my family behind again.”

You kept staring at him, the emotions he chose to show on his face. After you didn’t say anything for a bit, Javier took your hands in his, “I’m sorry,” he said it with such regret in his voice, “I’m sorry for what I said, (Y/N). I don’t want you to leave, and leave me behind... And I don’t want to leave this because... Because I’m scared of being on my own again.”

He may have been speaking from the heart but your own temper flared up in retaliation, you pulled your hands from his and shook your head, “You wouldn’t be alone!” You protested, “You would... I thought... We’d...”  You’re voice trailed off to barely a whisper, “Do I mean nothing to you?”

The question struck him like lightning and he almost felt himself fall back, it was all a trick his heart was playing on him. Javier blinked a few times, was that even a question, “You mean the world to me,” He quietly said, he took a step towards you and froze when you backed away, “(Y/N), I mean it, please. I just... I want to. I want to leave but it’s so hard. I have made promises I want to keep.”

“Is that all you want? To live in a gang for the rest of your life? This isn’t a family anymore. Hosea is dead. Lenny is dead. Sean is dead. Marybeth left. Tilly left. Everyone is leaving and turning on each other! Pearson is leaving as we speak. Arthur is fucking dying and Dutch wouldn’t give a fuck if he did! Dutch wouldn’t care if you got arrested! Dutch won’t come and save you! He left John for dead in that prison, he... He doesn’t care about you, Javier. I’m the only one left here that does. Our family? Is gone! This is a hollow, empty and poisonous box you want to stay in.”

Maybe you were right. You hoped to God that your words would reach him. You watched all the emotions cover his face as he stood there, stunned by your words. 

“You’re right...” He finally said, “You’re right, I’m sorry. You’re right.” Javier nodded his head slowly, “We should leave.”

“How? When?” You couldn’t believe it. You changed his mind!

“We need money. So... perhaps after the train job? It will be easy to grab a bag and go.”

You nodded your head quickly and pressed your lips into a thin line, “Okay. Yeah, okay we can do that.” You felt yourself getting overly emotional. You felt like you tore down a wall that had built itself between you too. You closed the gap between the two of you and threw your arms around his shoulders, burying yourself into his beck, “Oh, Javier... I hate it. I hate it here. Why did it have to happen this way? I didn’t want to leave... I don’t... but we’ll die if we don’t.”

He could see that now, he could see you were right. That didn’t make it hurt any less. He held you tight and felt part of his world dying as you both clung onto each other, “I know. I don’t want to either. But you’re right, you are. We can’t stay here,” Javier pulled away enough so he could look at you, wipe away some tears and press a kiss to your forehead, “We should go back,” You shook your head, “I know, but we need to stay close. Dutch will kill us if he gets any idea we might leave.” You knew he was right, that’s the part that hurt the most.

You quietly grabbed onto his head and walked back up the hill, out of the forest and back to the camp. You felt a little better,. but you were still in the lion’s den. At least now you could feel a little safer knowing you really weren’t alone. It was hard, but at least you had Javier by your side again.

#asks #anon #requests #rdr #rdr 2 #red dead #red dead 2 #red dead redemption #red dead redemption 2 #javier escuella #javier x reader #javier escuella x reader #fic #oneshot #spoiler warning #ee #angsty #lil angsty #lsdhfgkjdhslkjdghkdfg #aaaaaaaaaaaaaa #idk what else to tag this as #oh #fics #fanfics #fanfiction #x reader #reader insert #Anonymous

[rainbow-hatted1]

What Boredom looks like

1. You just opened up a web browser. What is the first site you visit?

https://www.reddit.com/r/interestingasfuck/

Yeah, that’s sort of my jam. Reddit in general but that is my go to.

vv more below if you wanna deep dive. vv

2. You just walked into a bookstore. What section do you go to first?

The local published section. If it’s a good bookshop they usually have one. Usually it’s poetry, or short essay compilations or local history books but I tend to like the offerings and you’re supporting people who don’t have a big platform yet.

Otherwise, comics and fantasy are my next first stops.

3. You are hanging with your closest friends. What are you most likely doing?

Lately, not much of anything. Arguing… not talking… depressing things.

Ideally, though, there’s a good meal. Either we’ve cobbled it together on our own or it’s a decent take out option and video/board games. Quidditch if it’s a nice day. Basically, where we can sit and bullshit and laugh a lot. That’s the best time with my mates.

4. You just turned your car on. What station is the radio tuned to?

The independent/alt/rock station. In spite making pop music myself I don’t listen to it a lot. Which is probably weird.

5. You have just woken up for the morning. What is the first things you do?

Try to go back to sleep.

6. Complete this phrase: You cannot buy happiness, but you can buy____.

Tacos

7. What would you do if you woke up as the opposite gender?

Probably touch my boobs entirely too much. Liz calls them boob checks… well, if they’re quick and random, this would probably be fondling.  I am ashamed of this answer but it’s likely what I’d do.

8. Are you more likely to cook for yourself or buy food from a restaurant?

I’m prone to laziness but I actually find cooking relaxing so cook for myself. Saves money too. It’s just a good practice to have in general.

9. If you had to lose one of your senses, which one would you rather lose?

Smell, probably. I enjoy food too much to lose taste. And between sight and hearing, I’d miss not having those senses and touch is just kind of important as a human being.  

10. If you could relive any one year of your life, how old would you be?

Dunno

11. Would you take a bullet for anyone you know?

A few someones

12. Would you rather be rich and dumb or poor and extremely intelligent?

Poor and intelligent. Better chances of bettering my situation with that one.

13. What TV character do you most relate to?

Sam Gardner from Atypical.

14. You just walked into a supermarket. What section do you first go to?

Produce. Yeah, you all thought I’d go for the bakery and desserts. Don’t lie.

15. Is sex before marriage wrong?

No. It’s human. So is waiting. It shouldn’t be as polarizing as it is. Sex is part of life and how you want to experience it is entirely up to you.

16. You just won the lottery. What is the first thing you do with your winnings?

Get a lawyer and not tell anyone I won. People get shitty when you have a lot of money. They expect you to make it rain and I wouldn’t. I’d also take the weekly installments. More money overall and you are far less likely to tank yourself with the winnings. Just saying.

17. If your best friend admitted that they have a crush on you, how would you react?

I would be awkward as fuck. Love him, not like that and he has a girlfriend so yeah… it’d be fucked up.

18. Will the USA ever have a female president?

At this point in time: no. Again, this is a polarizing question that shouldn’t be. A woman could run the country I’m not women in charge by that answer. Don’t read into it. I’m merely saying, that with the way the country appears to be currently they will not vote for that. I’m sorry. It’s stupid.

19. You are carpooling with your friends. Are you more likely to be the driver or a passenger?

Passenger. I don’t drive.

20. How short is too short for skirts and dresses?

I’m not ancient or wearing a skirt so I don’t think it matters, but I tend to prefer more modest options on girls.

21. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, without any consequences, what food would you choose?

Pizza.

22. It’s Saturday night. What are you most likely doing?

Sleeping.

23. You go on a blind date. Your date is extremely beautiful and physically captivating, but you hate their personality. Would you want a second date?

No.

24. How strict should gun laws be?

I think Australia had the right reaction to a massacre

25. Would you rather be the worst player on the best team or the best player on the worst team?

Best player on the worst team. Hopefully, they wouldn’t resent me and we could have a good 90’s style underdog story.

26. How well do you work with others?

Not well.

27. You have the ability to cure only one fatal disease and eradicate it forever. What disease do you choose?

I don’t want that power. Either way people are gonna die and wonder why I couldn’t cure all cancer or something else that’s just as bad…and inevitably another disease will surface that’s worse. There will always be disease even if we don’t like it.

28. If you could go back to college and choose a different degree to study, would you?

Well, considering I’m not in college yet I can still change my mind on that one, but I probably wouldn’t. Care of Magical Creatures but I haven’t zoned in on the specific avenue I want to go in that field yet.

29. Where do you see yourself ten years from now?

Er… traveling the countryside looking for magical creatures and documenting them in the wild. It’d be cool if my friends joined once in a while.

30. Are you pro-life or pro-choice?

Pro-choice isn’t anti-life, for fucks sake people.

31. Would you attend a same sex wedding if invited?

Yeah. If my mates fell in love and get married, I’m gonna be at the party regardless of sexes involved.

32. So far, what has been the greatest day of your life?

The first time HM played to a sold out crowd. That was pretty shocking. We’ve done it since and Nik has carried on doing it on his own but that day was scary and humbling and epic.

33. Has anyone you know ever been arrested?

Yeah, wrongly so but they saw what they wanted and went that’s our guy. Luckily, he didn’t get sent away for good.

34. If it could be one season year-round, what season do would you want it to be?

Fall. But like warm fall not close to winter fall. That fall sucks.

35. What is your biggest regret in life?

Saying such shit things about Anna and Charlie’s mum because I was mad at him. We’ve never recovered from it and it was a stupid in the moment blind rage bullshit thing I can’t ever take back.

36. If you could bring one celebrity back from the dead, who would it be?

John Lennon, probably. But the thing is, not everyone is upset their deaths were untimely. That’s more the livings problem than the dead, I’ve come to learn.

37. What offends you the most?

When people assume how I’m feeling. I’m not exactly easy to read, I know that, and I have a hard time wrapping my own head around my thoughts and feelings. So when I am feeling something and someone says I’m feeling another way because my face doesn’t wash with an emotion or my reaction doesn’t match like it allegedly should it’s really upsetting to me and just makes things worse.

38. Would you rather have an ugly hairstyle or be bald?

Do what you want. It’s just hair

39. At what age did you have your first alcoholic beverage?

16. Yeah, I think that’s right.

40. What do you think happens to us when we die?

Ideally, you move on to another plane. Kind of like a multiverse but one for endings. For a bit you can linger between the here as we know it and there but eventually you either stay and become a ghost or a poltergeist (which depends solely on your continued mental state on the matter of your death) but most move on beyond the veil.

41. What do you think is the best way to quit smoking?

I don’t know.

42. If you could take home any one animal from the zoo, which animal would you choose?

A bear of some sort. Polar, Grizzly, Black…. Whatever they’ve got. Not all zoos have the same bears.

43. Were humans created or did we evolve from earlier species?

I’m gonna go out and say something that pisses people off but I don’t see why it can’t be both. Something came out of nothing which is creating, right? The act of creating something is taking elements and making them something or straight up creating an element. What did that, I don’t know. But at one point there was a creation moment. From there everything on this planet has changed and adapted to the situations and surroundings they came into. Life is change, you don’t change you can’t survive. So both. Both sound right to me.

44. What scares you the most?

Losing everyone I care about… and bugs. Fuck bugs

45. What personality trait turns you off the most?

I hate when people play dumb.

46. You got offered a job to do something you hate, but the pay will make you rich. Do you take it?

No.

47. If today you only had what you were thankful for yesterday, how much would you have?

Sadly, not very much probably.

48. How often do you get mad or upset at yourself?

Everyday.

49. If you could choose one celebrity to be your parent, who would you choose?

I’ll keep my parents, thanks but to answer the question: Reign. At least I’d still have family.

50. If you could only listen to one musical artist for the rest of you life, who would you be listening to?

I would probably choose not to listen to music after a bit. I like variety and I’m not always in the mood for an artist of one flavor but the Beatles? At least their breadth of music is pretty wide.

51. Have you ever used you cell phone while driving?

No

52. Has anyone you were close to die way too young?

Yes.

53. Is world peace possible?

No, I don’t believe it is. It’d be great if it could be. There’s no reason for all this hate but people are always going to clash. We get on for a bit and then boom, it’s done. Peace is an impossibility but we should still strive for it regardless.

54. You go on a blind date. You date is extremely ugly and physically appalling, but you are madly in love with their personality. Would you want a second date?

I don’t know. I want to say yes, be that guy who doesn’t care. Looks really are not everything but ultimately, you should be attracted to your partner. If you aren’t it isn’t likely to work even if their personality is the most beautiful thing in the world.

55. How did you discover that Santa Claus isn’t real?

My little brother told me and I was devastated.

56. Do you believe in God, or some form of higher deity?

I honestly want to but I have a hard time wrapping my mind around how things can be the way they are if a loving god is out there watching us. I think the Futurama episode where Bender gets life on his ass is a great example of how my brain wants to look at it.

And then I read the Bible and get to stories like Zechariah and I’m just left thinking that guy probably had a stroke while praying and the rest is a coincidence.

57. If you could save someone you deeply cared about, but it meant breaking a law, would you do it?

Fuck yes. Without hesitation

58. What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done for money?

Sold my soul for a sickle once.

59. If you were to make a YouTube video about what you know most about, what would the subject be?

Magical Creatures. I could go on for a very long time about that topic.

60. What do you think is your greatest personality flaw?

I’m rigid. I have a hard time shifting directions when I get going.

61. If your friends spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, would you still want them as friend?

I haven’t got many actual friends so maybe. Better than being alone, I suppose.

62. Have you ever “woke up like this”?

No one has ever “woke up like this”. It’s a lie. It’s always a lie. Even if they look good, that caption shows intent and planning: don’t fall for it.

63. You got offered a job to do something you love, but the pay is one of the worst out there. Do you take it?

If I really fucking love it, yes. But I’m also in a position where I can have a shit paying or no paying job and basically be fine.

64. What do you think is your best physical feature?

My lips?

65. What do you think is your worst physical feature.

My nose is big.

66. Do you know anyone who has committed suicide?

Not suicide no. But I know people who have considered it. Glad they didn’t follow through.

67. What is the nicest thing you’ve ever done for someone you don’t know?

I dunno. I have a habit of giving my bus ticket away if it still has time on it. I know it’s not much but as for random acts of kindness that weren’t really put on display for charities or a fluff news story, that’s the one I’ve got.

68. Have you ever had a night’s dream come true?

No, can’t say that I have.

69. Would you reject a date offer from someone you didn’t like?

yes

70. Which do you think is worse: Failure, or never trying at all?

This is one of those what I say is not really what I do things. I think the second is worse but I often freeze when it comes to choices like this. When I’m by myself: I freeze.

#random #asks #questions #bored #mild entertainment

[grimastiddies]

Questions and form made by @goddess-of-war-nyka

1. Introduce your summoner. –

Name: Caitlin Age: 25 Height: 5′5″ Weight: 160lbs Sexuality: Bisexual Eye Color: Dark brown, nearly black Hair Color: Red Nationality: American Hobbies: Singing, drawing, playing guitar

Caitlin is from the Midwest, in the Chicago area. She lives in an apartment nearby her family, which consists of her mom, dad, her older sister, younger sister, and her younger brother. She has a shiba inu named Chiyo! Her family is extremely important to her, they’re all really tight. While in Askr, she misses them terribly.

Her life is good, but…ultimately, boring. She went to college and graduated, but hasn’t done anything with her degree. Her day job is boring and unfulfilling, and generally she feels like she’s stuck in a rut where she just sort of…exists. She suffers from anxiety and depression, and that’s greatly affecting her motivation. If it weren’t for her side job, she’d probably be really depressed. In her downtime, she performs as a Disney Princess for birthday parties! The characters she plays includes Rapunzel, Elsa, Anna, and Aurora. She takes this job very seriously, and it actually is a primary source of income for her. She gets hired a lot, but it’s still not quite what she wants to be doing with her life. Sometimes she’ll fill in as a guitarist in her friend’s band when they need the help.

2. How did they come to Askr?

She was heading to a show when she was summoned to Askr. She was in her car schlepping a lot of their equipment and all of it ended up in Askr with her, along with her car, her laptop, phone, some spare clothes, makeup, and all of her costumes. She has a fair amount of things from her world on hand, which Heroes like to play with… her car especially. Unfortunately it broke on the way over, so it would have to be fixed if anyone wanted to actually drive it.

3. What are their favourite hobbies? – 

She enjoys playing music! She’s a talented guitar player and can play a fair few instruments at a basic level. Probably took some piano lessons at school or something. She sings too, but it far to shy to sing for the heroes so that’s more of a secret talent unless you’re a peeping tom and spy on her in the baths.

Drawing is a hobby, she enjoys doodling to relieve stress. Drawing practice always took a back seat to music, though, so she’s not like... super good at it, but it’s something she enjoys. She probably has a notebook she carries around that she doodles in. The Morgans are convinced it’s full of strategy secrets and try to steal it, but in reality it’s like... silly pictures of cats in socks.

4. Does your summoner have any bad habits that the heroes try to help them through? –

Confidence issues for sure. This seems to be a common theme among Summoners, and she’s really no different. She thinks the heroes are all amazing, wonderful people and that she simply pales in comparison. Her powers are a blessing from the Breidablik, so the praise she gets as the Summoner makes her feel like a liar. They’re praising Kiran, not her, she feels.

She really beats herself up inside when a plan fails.

Also frets over whether or not heroes actually like her, or if they’re just influenced by their contract.

Low key feels ugly in comparison to the other women, keeps that to herself though.

5. How close is your summoner to their heroes? – 

Very close I’d say. As much as she worries, she takes her job as the Summoner seriously and does her best to take care of everyone. Besides, most of the heroes are such likable people it would be hard not to make friends!! She loves everyone dearly.

6. Does your summoner struggle with being a tactician? – 

Nah, the Breidablik grants her powers that make her a great tactician.

The Breidablik houses the spirit of a Valkyrie, a legendary entity who chooses who lives and who dies on the battlefield. This spirit, known as Kiran, was a divine blessing bestowed upon Askr long ago by the Gods to protect the kingdom. The Breidablik itself was given to a legendary hero, the only person who can wield it. Kiran resides within the Breidablik and gives it and the Hero their powers. Caitlin is a reincarnation of this hero who was summoned to Askr in its time of need. The Breidablik’s powers include:

Summoning Heroes.

Sight - the ability to see the battlefield and form strategy.

Command - the ability to bend Heroes to their will.

Valkyrie Drive - Caitlin gets possessed by the Valkyrie spirit, and is given a short burst of incredible strength and magic. However, the Summoner needs to recover for a while afterwards.

Still working on the fine details with this so yeah lmao--

7. How did your summoner react during their first time summoning? – 

“WHAT THE FU-”

Panic for sure. 

What the fuck is happening? Where am I? You want me to do what now? What? WHAT???? She calms down eventually, but being plucked from your world and then being told to do stuff and then FIGHT is scary as fuck imo and she’s absolutely overwhelmed for a bit.

8. How does your summoner react to summoning now? – 

“Man, I have to summon now... ugh, it makes me so tired, do I have to...??”

9. How well do they adjust to life in Askr? – 

Pretty well, the Order is helpful and eager to make her feel welcome and comfortable.

10. How long have they been a summoner? – 

Since the beginning of the game...? LMAO- Uhh, idk she’s summoned when Anna summons in game, so she’s not brought in at any special time.

11. Who’s your summoner’s main team? – 

Grima, Robin, Alfonse, Veronica.

12. Who’s your summoner’s S support? – 

Alfonse hehe...

13. How was your Summoner and ally support building to S support?– 

HONESTLY she doesn’t get with Alfonse so it must just be like.... a strong... bond of friendship....??? I have given this 0 thought lmao sorry--

14. How many allies have s support with your summoner? – 

Grima obviously heheheheheeh-- that’s like the “canon” pair, but there’s also potential for Alfonse and Bruno... probably as a poly because Bruno and Alfonse are cute as FUCK together djskldjals

But then again I have Grima supported with Alfonse so Cait/Grima/Alfonse COULD be a thing......... god dude idk I’m just thirsty af yall know me.

15. What are your top 4 ally x ally supports? – 

16. What does your summoner miss from home? – THE INTERNET would make it SO MUCH EASIER to look up all of the heroes’ backstories and searching for Askran/Nordic mythology homygod.

17. If they could bring one thing from home with them what would it be? – T h e I n t e r n e t.

18. Is your summoner’s robe unique? – 

19. Who are your fellow summoner friends? – 

@terra-haven‘s Sapphire, @vince-prime‘s Kuma, @lunalove25‘s Luna, among others hehe

20. What does your summoner wear if during their down time? – 

UHHHH comfy stuff. Probably walks around in minimal clothing LMAO-- Long shirts/sweaters, after a while she’s forced to wear leggings underneath. She has a more high matenance wardrobe back home, but in Askr comfort is king.

21. How do they handle merging heroes or sending them home? –

Idk, in Cait’s storyverse I don’t think merging and sending people home would really be a thing...? Not sure how I wanna go about handling this tbh??? I think if she were to get dupes, it would just end up being a failed summon or something. Or maybe it would manifest as a item that powers up certain heroes. I think she could send heroes home but.... idk, the hero would have to consent.

22. What abilities/weapons do they have? – 

When in Valkyrie mode the Breidablik turns into a lance, but otherwise nothing out of the ordinary for a Summoner.

23. Would your summoner like to know magic? –

Summoning is totally a type of magic, so I think that Summoners in general have an innate talent for magic and can learn it. Caitlin would totally be interested, magic is dope as fuuuuuck.

24. Are they able to hold their own in a fight? –

LMAO nah, not really. She tries and gets lucky, but that luck comes from summoner valkyrie powers lmao-

25. How many heroes have you acquired?  I’m too lazy to open the app and check lmao sorryyy

26. What book has been the hardest? Emotional or battle-wise. – 

Book 3 has me fucking shook fam.

27. If your summoner went into battle what would be there class? –

Singer for sure.

28. Are there any heroes they clash with? – 

Honestly??? Nah, she’s not super interested in actively fighting with anyone I don’t think.I mean I think there’s the obvious heroes no one really LOVES but I think Cait is the type to find them all amusing in their own way. Looooves to mess with Narcian. Valter’s just creepy but in almost a sort of entertaining way, especially since she’s in charge and he can’t actually do anything to her. 

I love Berkut but I can see Cait being very eager to put him in his place.

29. Which hero have you pumped more into? –

Grima, Alfonse.

30. Which hero do you get a lot of while summoning? –

Not sure, don’t really pay that much attention.

31. Which heroes have they adopted? – 

ALL OF THE KIDS. Who let these children fight? NO WAR FOR KIDDIES NO NO NO-- Loves dragons best hehe

32. Do they participate in voting gauntlets? – 

Keeps tabs on them, doesn’t really care that much.

33. How do they handle their orbs? – 

“TIME TO YOLO SUMMON BABY”

34. What hero do you wanna see in Fire Emblem Heroes? – 

The whole cast of Awakening blz-

35. Will your summoner stay in Askr? Nifl? Muspell? Hel? Embla? – 

HM. A good question lmaooooo

grima/cait is my self indulgent end game so uh not sure uhhhhhh

I think she’d convince him to come back home with her tbh. she wouldn’t want to stay in Zenith forever. Loves her family too much to just stay forever.

36. What is your Summoner life like years later if they stayed? Askr. Nifl. Muspell. Hel. Embla. – 

She wouldn’t stay, she’d go home for sure.

37. Summoner’s family reacting to your summoner’s significant other?– 

UHHHH fuck dude I have no fucking clue LMAO-- this thing is full of shit i never considered???

They’d probably be justifiably worried--

38. In a twist of fate, if your summoner could change one thing what would it be? – 

Probably making Bruno join the order or something, she’s salty he leaves.

#ask game #caitlin

[extremelytiredincrediblyconfused]

the melodramatic beginning of my climactic end

There are, quite honestly, about a million other ways I had hoped to gain notoriety... and by a million I mean, like, five. Six, tops. Looking back, avoiding my own inevitable would’ve been easy – a literal push; a click, a tap, the fucking pushing of a fucking button (sorry, potty mouth). All I had to do was keep my mouth shut; keep my shit private just as I always had. I had worked so hard to get where I was – where I hopefully still am – and while some people may have deserved at least some part of what they got, some were just the worst kind of collateral damage. To the latter: you will never know the extent of my regret, nor the level at which I now self-loathe. To the former: I’m still sorry, even if you do suck a little.. I know, I know I’m getting ahead of myself. On that note, I suppose I should start from the melodramatic beginning of my climactic end – my self-imposed downfall, my very clumsy swan dive into public humiliation. Here goes; try not to hate me too much.

Oh, I’ve changed the names of people and places, but the rest is - unfortunately - the truth. 

“Well, it’s over! It’s done!” Judy, very melodramatically, intoned while frantically waving her arms, “Edgewood has officially gone to hell in a handbasket!” I have only just walked into the back door of the bakery and tea house the two of us own together, but I can already tell it’s going to be one of those days – to be fair, most of them are. “Well, don’t stop now, give me all the dirt!” I know I’m baiting her, but it never stops being fun. “They robbed my silverware tree!” she offered by way of explanation – the “silverware tree” as we now call it, is the tree that we are forced by the town of Clydesville to have blocking our front door because we live in Tree City USA. We decided to make it festive by hanging all of our gold-plated silverware that was too pitted for use (we are fancy, after all) and everyone had already come to terms with the simple fact that we might as well just throw that silverware in the trash, because once it was out there it likely wouldn’t stay very long. “Well, don’t let them ever say we don’t give back to our community.” Being flippant probably isn’t the best approach to the situation, but we are nothing if not sassy here. “Thanks for taking their attack on my decoration seriously” she sighed “I guess I should just be thankful they were careful not to trample my english garden while they robbed me blind.” “You’re right, I’m sorry, I should’ve taken this more seriously” I held up my hands in a placating gesture, “more importantly – who had bets on it lasting less than a month?” Before she even had time to feign offense, the victor was ready to claim their spoils. “That would be me!” the victor in question being my friend, and co-worker, Lawrence; or as we all prefer to call him, Law, “E-e-easiest five bucks I eva made!” he took the time to not only grab his prize, but do a somewhat embarrassing dance while doing it, “Ooh, wait, give it to me in singles – I WANNA MAKE IT RAIN.” “Five singles isn’t enough to make it rain, Law.” I retorted knowingly – honestly because we have tried to do it countless times, and failed miserably. We have the slow-motion videos to prove it. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was your personal mission to rain on EVERYBODY’S parade today, Kat. Don’t let me stop you, want me to tell you about my hopes and dreams so you can shoot them all down while you’re at it? Yeesh.” He and I have been friends for so long, this type of back-and-forth is just par for the course. As a matter of fact, if I’m not mistaken, we are actually cousins. It is Wayneswood County, after all, literally everyone is related. “As long as your so-called hopes and dreams don’t involve proposing to yet another girlfriend, I’m pretty sure I’ll be supportive of them” I know it’s a low blow to hit so early in our little game, but I really do have a reason for coming in to the store today. You see, Law is what we call a ‘habitual proposer’ – he’s been engaged to four different women (only married to one) in his ripe, young age of twenty-eight. “aye-aye-aye, kick a man when he’s down, why don’tcha?” he pounded a closed fist over his heart in an attempt to make me feel bad. “I’m not saying I didn’t know it wouldn’t happen, but I just thought people would be nicer. I should know better than to place any expectations on humanity anymore. Oh, well – at least I’ve got more silverware to hang up. No more soup ladles, though, the dredges of society apparently needed to serve some broth.” Judy interjected, still trying desperately to hide her disappointment. “That or prepare a whole lot of crack!” I jovially added, making a show of shrugging my shoulders and forcing a tight smile. “Prepare. Prepare?” oh, here he goes “Uh, excuse me, yes Geeves” Law was getting into it now, affecting a posh accept and holding his pinky in the air “prepare us crack, good sir, make it our finest vintage!” “Soooorrrrryyyyy I don’t know all the hip drug lingo, friendo. I must’ve missed that issue of Street Youth Monthly.” Admittedly, my joke’s weren’t always the cream of the crop. After receiving looks of pity for my attempt at being pithy, we fell into our daily routine of treading water and getting through the daily deluge of afternoon teas, ladies having lunch, hipster parents trying to force their kids into liking fancy things and the general public needing sweets to keep calm and carry on. “Our 2:00 afternoon pushed to Wednesday, and changed their reservation time to 1:30.” Judy explained – at the end of the day we all sit down and compare calendars, make notes on scheduling, and make sure we haven’t over-booked ourselves too terribly much. “Okay, perfect. I got a form submission for a 12:00 highest on the 26th.” I added, looking over my most recent crop of e-mails. “Hmmm” Judy furrowed her brow in concentration, “No, that won’t work, we’ve got a party of 15 at 12:00 for a Bridal Shower Tea, see if they can move to either 11:00 am or 2:00 pm. Those are the only availabilities.” “I’ll go ahead and e-mail them.” I responded, tapping a few keys to bring that promise to life. “We will need someone on June 9th, we have that big pastry order for the store anniversary at Belk.” Judy flipped her calendar, and for the first time I truly realized how close to the end of May we were. “I also have a wedding that Friday, so we will definitely need to schedule a lot of help because I’ll be down for the count just filling those two orders.” I’m the Pastry Chef, so I shoulder most of the actual baking responsibility, but I always make sure that only I do the wedding cakes. I’m very, very particular about the wedding cakes. “Can do. Law, can you make yourself available?” “Already planning on it, boss.”  My friend was nothing if not dependable. “Y’all know I ain’t got shit going on otherwise.” “Thanks, my dude. Did you buy your tickets for the Front Bottoms yet?!” we had only been talking about going to see them for, oh I don’t know, a million years now. I needed him to stop dragging his feet and commit to going with me already. I hate going places by myself, especially Asheville. “ohmagod, do you want me to buy the tickets in front of you? Do you want me to purchase the gahdang tickets right frickin now so you can watch and make sure I do it, MOM?” like I said, the back and forth never stops with us. “actually that would bring me great pleasure.” I said, a smug smile taking over. “FINE.” He yelled, while pulling out his phone with more dramatic flourish than I probably deserved. After a few enunciated taps, he announced he had indeed purchased the ticket (showing me the text for proof) “You’re driving my ass there I hope you know. And buying me a beer – Wicked Weed is right next door and I’m not about to take on a buncha teenage FB fans without some liquid assistance.” “I’ll do you one better – I’ll buy you a PRETZEL to go with your beer.” I’m feeling very magnanimous, obviously. The day ended as does every other – with our tiny crew barely holding it together, and counting down the last five minutes like we were in Time’s Square watching the ball drop. Unfortunately for me, though, keeping up morale until 5:00 wasn’t going to be my biggest problem of the day.

The drive home was especially short for me, considering I lived less than a block away from the shop. Yes, I choose to drive - you haven’t been on these mean streets at 3:00 am. I put my little Honda in park, and tried to get all the groceries in one go, something at which I seemed to be failing miserably. Reaching for my key, usually hanging from the tiny cupcake keychain my boyfriend’s niece got me for Christmas a few years ago, I was shocked to look down and see nothing more than a broken bead chain. Sonofa – “NOOOOOOO not again!!!!” I whined, loudly. Cute it may be, practical it was not – I had lost my house key more times than I could count at this point during our five-year stint in our little Edgewood home. Micah’s car was here, though, so I could at least just bang on the door until he let me in. “MICAH! MICAH I KNOW YOU’RE HERE, LET ME IN YOU PUNK.” -bang bang bang- -bang bang bang- “I SWEAR TO CHRIST IF YOUR’E SLEEPING THROUGH THIS I’M GOING TO MURDER YOU. YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET THIS DOOR OPEN” -bang bang bang- At this point, my hand was starting to hurt desperately, so I decided that –naturally- the best course of action was to begin kicking the door. However, one can only punch and kick a door for so long before one decides one looks like a crazy person and the neighbors start peeking out their windows. I pulled out my phone to begin the task of calling him until he answered, but after the fifth call of incessant ringing, it started going straight to voicemail. Huh. I mean, that’s probably nothing right? “Hey, it’s Micah, I’m either busy or just can’t get to the phone right now – either way, leave me a message and I’ll call you back… or I won’t. Later. Beeeeeeeep” “Micah, what the hell? I’m sitting outside, freezing, alone, getting really shitty looks from our very terrible neighbors, I lost my key – again. Yes, I know. Your car is here, so I don’t know why you’re not, but I guess just let me know whenever you can. I love you.” A knot began twisting in the pit of my stomach – our relationship would never be described as “stable” or “healthy”, a fact that my friend who was currently going to school to be a therapist (whatever that’s called – therapy school? Therapist school? How-does-that-make-you-feel school?) was always very quick to point out. “If someone really loved you, they wouldn’t make you feel this way.” “If he really loved you, he would make you a priority.” “People in healthy relationships don’t end up crying on their friends’ couches this much.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. We started dating when I was young – honestly, no frontal lobe development whatsoever – and we got way too serious way too quickly. What would you do if you were 19 and your boyfriend’s mom made you promise to take care of him on her deathbed? Yeah, that’s right, don’t judge me; maybe I should’ve left years earlier, but sometimes the hardest thing is to do is scream for help when your lungs have filled with water. So, I sat there. I sat on that porch for five hours and twenty-seven minutes and you can bet your ass if my watch counted seconds I would know those, too. Finally, the darkness was punctured by a harrowing halogen beacon, said beacon not being attached to any car I immediately recognized, but at this point a literal prostitute could’ve been driving him home and I wouldn’t have cared – the need to urinate was all encompassing and entirely overbearing. A slow roll, the sound of the door opening and quickly closing, a decidedly female voice offering promises of meeting again soon; the soft crunch of glass-flecked grass from when he accidentally broke two of my solar lights but never bothered to clean it up, the rattle of keys being removed from the same front, left pocket in which they always rested. “’bout time.” I slurred – admittedly, at some point during my wait I had decided to crack into the beers I had purchased earlier. And by “crack into” I mean “drink all of”. “jesus!” micah whispered, jumping back and assuming what I can only imagine was meant to be a defensive position, “Kat? What are you doing out here? Christ, you scared the SHIT outta me!” “Oh, no… are you slightly inconvenienced? Oh, oh, no… I would hate for your date to end on a sour note.” “Date? Oh, seriously, Kat? Really? You’re gonna get mad about me for hanging out with an old friend?” Micah’s mood immediately turned, and I knew it could only be headed in one direction. “Don’t bring him up.” I warned “For fuck’s sake” he huffed “so you’re free to throw my female friends in my face whenever you want, but I can’t bring up your so-called… what is it that you call him?” he asked in a mocking tone “best friend forever? Your little bestie? Bestie Bitch?” “Seriously, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Besides, that’s different.” I argued – the same argument we’ve had time and time again. “Oh, I do know what I’m talking about. I don’t give a shit that you guys have been friends since you were in diapers or whatever you want to claim – that guy is in love with you; he would be at the front of your line, and you know it.” He sneered “God, Micah, when are you finally going to admit that you’re unhappy? When will you stop trying so desperately to make ‘us’ work?” I pleaded, practically on my knees – because, damn, I was druuunk. “When will you?” I can’t explain what happened next, because never in my life have I been that person – the one who is strong enough to walk away, the one who can say no. I can only thank the Stella gods for giving me the distinguished courage to stand up – for, arguably, the first time in my life – and have the self-respect to finally walk away. “Now.” I blinked, suddenly realizing what I was saying, gathered what remained of my groceries (that I hadn’t eaten or drank) and stood up, ready to take the first step. Ready to make a move solely for myself, without worrying about someone who had never spent a day worrying about me. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Back up… what?” Micah kept doing this ‘I can’t believe this is happening’ blinking and head shaking combination, probably unsure what to do in a situation where I wasn’t a complete pushover, “say that again? I had to hear you wrong.” “Now.” I said again, much more forcefully, “I’m done. You’re done. We’re done, that simple. I’m leaving – I’ll, uh, come back sometime to get my stuff. I’m taking Penelope and MacGyver.” “You’re serious? Oh, you sweet, simple little bunny… just like that? Just… done? Where do you think you’re gonna go?” he had turned condescending, and I was not there for that. At. All. “I told you to stop calling me that, you ass. I’ll find somewhere to stay – so many people have been begging me to leave you and offering their homes as shelter, it’s not me I’m worried about.” “Well leave your key, I don’t want you sneaking back in here and taking my shit.” Oh, Micah, you always were unnecessarily paranoid. Looking back, it was probably the drugs I didn’t know you were taking. “I lost my key – if you answered your phone, you’d know that.” “Are you sure you can’t stay – we can talk this out?” “There’s nothing to talk about, Micah. We’re done. Now, get the hell out of my way, I’m leaving.” “You can’t drive, you’ve been drinking… you have to stay.” He had a point, and I’m honestly super terrified of breaking the law, but before he had even finished his sentence, I had my phone out and was halfway to dialing the only person I could consistently rely on. “Kat, baby? What’s wrong?” he answered – he always answers. “I’m sorry, Phoenix, I know it’s late… I just” oh, no, the tears. The tears started happening. “I don’t give a shit what time it is – you can call me day or night, you know that – you just never call.” His voice had taken on a tender quality, probably in response to my sobs. “I, uh, I… ah, fuck, can you come get me? Please?” “Absolutely, where are you?” “Ho-“ Micah cast a harsh glare in my direction, “… um, Micah’s house.” I corrected myself – this place hadn’t ever really been my home, anyway. “… is that a new place, or a new name for an old place?” I could hear his hesitancy – I didn’t know how to approach this situation, how could I expect him to? “It’s the same address… just a different situation.” I didn’t really want to get into it, considering Mr. Glarey McGlareson was still shooting eye-daggers at me. “Give me ten minutes.” “Don’t speed.” I attempted to sound stern “Kitkat, I’m coming to pick you up from what I can only assume to be your now ex-boyfriend’s house, I’ll be there in ten minutes or I owe you a bag of chips.” “I’m timing you.” “You’d better.” “Well isn’t that just precious – you’re moving on mighty fast there, Kitkat.” Micah sneered as soon as I hung up on Phoenix. “Seriously? Don’t. Just, don’t. I’m not the one who got dropped off by another woman.” I warned, but it was hollow – honestly, whoever she was, call that bitch up and I’ll thank her myself for being the impetus for this conversation. Micah decided it would be better to not wait with me, and I couldn’t have agreed more. He told me he would call me when he felt comfortable with me getting my stuff – I told him I would be by to get my cats by the end of the following week. He snorted some semblance of an agreement, walked up the two-steps to the small porch, stalked through the front door and ended the entire conversation with a slam. Nine minutes and thirty-seven seconds later, Phoenix’s truck pulled up in front of the 1940s bungalow I wouldn’t sleep another night in. How magnificent. “Jesus, P, how fast did you go?” “What do I need to load? What’s the game plan?” he clapped his hands, rubbing them together like he was either about to do some manual labor or concoct a dastardly plot to take down that do-gooder, Dudley. “I’m sorry, game plan?” I asked, still pretty tipsy, considering. “Yeah – let’s get this done, move you out. Why wait?” “Well, for one, it’s like three in the morning. For two, this wasn’t planned and I haven’t even packed a single shred of anything. I’m not ready, I’ll just come back.” “What’s in your hands?” confusion echoed across his handsome features. I mean, sure we’re only friends, but I can appreciate a good lookin’ guy, you feel me? “What?” I looked down, because honestly I had kind of forgotten, “Oh, groceries.” I shrugged. “That bastard let you go to the grocery store before he broke up with you?” “Hey! Who says he broke up with me?” “Kat, girl, it’s you…” head cocked, twinge of guilt, but ultimately not a wrongful assessment “Yeah, well, ya girl grew a pair tonight. My bitch ass left his bitch ass.” Sassy really isn’t my forte, but I gave it a go. “Oh, now I need to hear the full story.” Behind my head I heard a window crank open, that particular window was in the kitchen which looked directly out over the portion of the front yard in which we were currently standing. Phoenix and I both turned from the intruding noise. “Seriously, guys?” Micah deadpanned from the window – his hair was askew, his eyes red, and a cigarette was hanging from his lips “DON’T SMOKE INSIDE” Phoenix and I yelled in unison, looking at each other and giggling like schoolgirls “Yeah, my house, my rules, now seriously fuck off.” And with that little nugget, he stalked off to probably watch porn right in the living room because apparently the house was now a lawless land. “I really hate that guy” Phoenix noted “I really know you do.” “What were you thinking?” he whined “I have asked myself that every day for the past 5 years.”

The drive to Phoenix’s house took decidedly longer than nine minutes and thirty-seven seconds, probably because we took back roads so we could listen to music longer – something we had always done. There was always singing, usually dancing, and more than a few times there were tears. After minor protest, he helped me carry in my groceries. Unlocking the door, he flicked on the light to reveal the home he had been pouring his heart into renovating for the past two years. The coffee table was new – he built it. “Just put the groceries on the counter and I’ll help you put them up.” He whispered “Thanks – I would say we could just toss them and start over, but these are kind of my only worldly possessions right now, and I’m a little attached.” I whispered back, because duh. “I understand – it’s hard to not get attached to…” plucking a random box out of my bags, “tender whites popcorn.” He said, still whispering. “Hey, P, did you get a roommate?” “Hell, naw, why?” “Why are we whispering?” “Ha!” he laughed, louder now, “in my head we were sneaking into one of our parents’ houses. God, sometimes in my head we’re still teenagers.” He was clearly reminiscing. “I wish things were still that simple.” I released on a sigh “Well, do you wanna sleep or talk?” he was never one to tiptoe around the delicate “Honestly? Sleep. I promise I’ll give you the full story over the coffee you make me in the morning “God” he snorted “you will never change, huh?” “Here’s hoping.” “Wouldn’t want you any other way. The guest room is made up, you know the way, I’m hitting the hay. If you need anything, keep it to your damn self because I’m sleepy. Love you, bestie.” He gave me a quick hug – because even after being friends for most of our lives, neither of us was particularly physically demanding “I love you, too, P. I’ll see you in the morning. Thanks for saving my ass, again.” “Anytime, KK.” We parted ways, him walking to his master bedroom, and me walking to the guest bedroom situated directly across the short hallway. He paused at his door, and looked back at me “Kat?” I paused, and turned as well, “yeah, Phoenix?” “…welcome back.” “Where had I gone?” “Nowhere good.” The pain was obvious on his face “You’re not wrong, bestie. You’re not wrong.” “You’ll get through this.” “I always do.” “I’ll be right here.” “… you always are” I added before finally closing my door. I guess, in a way, I was back. Like waking up after a deep sleep riddled with nightmares, full of monsters and shadows holding you down and filling you with a sense of inferiority. I suppose, in some small measure, this was one of the first monumental moments of clarity in my fog-riddled existence. I only wish I had stayed up my upward trajectory, stayed full of hope and happiness, kept the lightness of losing a boyfriend-sized weight. Ah, well, I wouldn’t have much of a story to tell then, now would I?