lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)
if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.
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no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.
I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.
I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.
If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.
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it appears 2024 will continue the trend of art companies proudly representing themselves with the use of art theft generators [aka, AI generators]
original tweet is now deleted, but wacom used a generated image of a dragon for their 2024 lunar new year promo on twitter.
if you're shopping for art tablets, huion, artisul, and XPPen tablets do just as good a job as their wacom equivalents for less, sometimes even half the price.
when you buy a wacom you're paying almost exclusively for the Brand Name, not any actual quality.
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Lieutenant Ann “Fallout” Crisis (full body, colorized)
I’m going to put my notes on her beneath the cut so you can ignore them if you’d like.
Lt. Ann “Fallout” Crisis
is usually wearing a face covering of some kind, but isn’t against teammates seeing her face occasionally. the masks are mostly for the comfort of being hidden.
has plenty of scars like everyone else, but most are hidden beneath her clothes. there are two on her forehead, one at her temple and one across the middle, stretching from her hairline to the space between her brows, and one on her neck, starting near her ear and ending near the hollow of her throat.
her hair is shoulder length and brown and is never down around others. it’s usually pulled or braided back, or beneath a hood when on mission. green eyes, but sometimes they look more brown in the shadow of her hood, and a permanent exhaustion to them.
is never caught wearing a bright color. her wardrobe consists solely of shades of black, blue, and green. once gave the team a heart attack when she borrowed and wore a red shirt post-mission when all her own clothes were dirty/ruined.
baggier clothes, never form-fitting unless mission requires it, and usually layers. likes to have sleeves and higher necks on her shirts.
average height and build, which allows misinterpretations and oversights. silent intense kind of aura, a dead look in her eyes. but, she lightens up around her team, might even smile or laugh.
isn’t a fan of close combat, prefers to maintain distance with her guns, but when pressed into close quarters (out of her comfort zone), will become mildly unhinged and fight dirty.
isn’t a fan of medical, both receiving the care and giving it; the vulnerability makes her anxious. has and will rig bandages over her minor wounds instead of getting stitches like she should. hypocrite, because she frequently orders her soldiers to medical even for minor wounds.
is good at helping plan and execute ops, at gathering intel, noticing little things. probably should prefer overwatch, but doesn’t like to be bodily far from her teammates.
can, has, and will take hits so her soldiers don’t. would give her life for her team no hesitation. gets very upset when they reciprocate, putting themselves between danger and her.
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at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"
like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.
"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."
... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.
and i'd still keep writing.
i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.
i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley
"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"
and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.
it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.
you create because you're greedy.
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