#i dont have a reason to be depressed?? like we were poor but my parents never showed it. my dad was scary and threatening but he wasn't mean | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bl00dybat · 1 day

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i have to be a liar. it cant be real. i shouldn't be like this. i dont deserve it. why is mental illness so debilitating to the point where i can barely maintain a full time job without missiny days, being late, having many breakdowns. ive been working part time for months now, 4-5 hr shifts. this becomes overwhelming for me too. i need to make more money and work full time but I'm terrified of a full time job now mentally i am so so scared.

theres no reason i should be like this. i created a false reality with false memories of trauma and abuse. my parents are right i was making it up it cant be real. i exaggerate the past. my brother says he doesnt remember it. i have to be lying right? it didnt happen. im stupid for thinking it happened. im just doiny what they said, my parents and my old therapist, im obsessed with labels, i drive myself to misery, im fucking crazy and its my fault.

i dont tell people my disorders i try to hide everything. i cant hide my cuts i cant hide the dead look on my face. i don't deserve it. people are so nice to me but i dont deserve it. my memories are fake i know nothing. i wasn't there terrified and alone in my room, my mom so drunk and incoherent, she falls off her bed i hear a loud thump. shes groaning and moaning and idk what shes even saying but i help her up. she can hardly walk i have to take her to the bathroom and help with everything. i try to get her back to bed but she wont let me, she wobbles out down the deck into the street at 3am, calling out for david a fucking freak who preys on me and her for our body, giving us food when we have nothing. dropping her when she wont give in. shes calling for him and she collapses in the middle of the street. i get her inside eventually just for her to get in bed and fall again. when she wakes up she tells me not to tell anyone.

it hurts knowing she hurt so much, hurt me so much, yet still tried to love us and provide even though we were so poor we coulent afford toilet paper most of the time. i had my rats as company snuggling up to me and running around my room. i had the hospitals. they smile to my face but they dont believe me. they just admit me and treat me for my self harm and attempted suicides, my mom doesnt let me have my meds anymore. im laying in bed late at night, into the morning. i think i had school but it couldve been the weekend, i usually stayed up all night and slept in my classes.

im listening to kid cudi's man on the moon album, the song mr rager playing as i cry and have taken most of my medicine. im waiting for my life to end, wishing i couldve escaped from here, wishing i could experience freedom and less sadness. i feel pain and weakness and i drift off. but i wake up. im so depressed that i woke up. and no one noticed.

i still had so much to be grateful for, my dad tells me i couldve had it worse when i live with him. people are dying from shit they cant control like covid and im in my feelings about exaggerated bullshit just to make me seem sicker. i just wanted to be sick nothing more. i embraced it because that was all people could see of me even when i tried to escape it. purging everything. using the counselord bathroom because im trans and not safe in the men's bathroom. i go there after lunch feeling defeated when i give into the meal of smuckers pbj with string cheese and fruit. i purge it all and spray as much as i can it hopes it will cover the smell of my vomit. how stupid i am.

i try to come to terms with my experiences. but i always feel like a liar. my friends believe me. my parents have come to see i am severely mentally ill and im not pretendint i cant control it. they acknowledge they werent the best all the time but still "dont remember" or dont think it was that bad but i perceived it that way. my mom drunk teyi got to fight me saying all her boys liked to wrestle, i cant be a boy if i cant even do that im just a girl. my brother pulls her off of me everyones yelling. he gets her phone to call the cops and she comes behind him with her arms around his neck until he lets go. david was in the house. i asked him to get help.

when the cops come he says we attacked her. she believes it because she doesnt remember. the cops dont care they dismiss it. my experiences never mattered. it was never bad enough. they didnt bruise me enough for it to matter to them. im just a liar. i had pictures of how red my arm was when my dad was grabbing me and digging into my wrist, twisting the skin. it doesnt matter. im lying.

no one will read this. if they did it doesnt matter. it doesnt need tags. im crazy because i live in a fantasy where everyone was out to get me but my family was fine. i made life hard for them with all this. my brother didnt react the same way. he was traumatized too. he told me living with mom made him contemplate suicide. his pain is real. i love my brother. hes doing so well now.

yet im still nothing. my dad is worried ill be in a constant loop of instability and living in shitty places. they try to encourage me still. they say i can make it, they believe in me, everyones just waiting for that moment i can do it. everyones waiting on me. time will run out. im disappointing everyone. i was a bad daughter and im a bad son. couldnt go to college. was homeless for so long. ended up with my mom homeless and living with her in a trailer.

im so nothing. i am so, so, nothing. i vent to my friends about killing myself but it doesnt matter. ill heavily contemplate writing everyones notes but in the end my friends will not truly worry because i dont attempt. because there are sharp wires digging into my flesh, pulling me down to earth, my bf, his family, my family, some of my friends. i cant disappoint them. yet im disappointing them because i still havent accomplished anything. i owned a trailer with my mom, worked full time, paid bills. and i moved and now i have lost so much. my transportation, job opportunities, friends, my therapist, faith in myself and my art.

i want to bleed onto my paintings. slice my flesh open, beautiful velvet lines puddling up til they all drip onto my hard work, staining them forever with my essence and my pain and my failure. i deserve to hurt for being a liar. i deserve to hurt for being a failure. for having my boyfriend who is a beautiful human, and his family, become so attached to me that if i died it would be such a tragedy. i dont want to outlive anyone i know. i dont want to see them leave me.

i dont want to hear my thoughts anymore. i dont want ptsd flashbacks about shit that isnt real and isnt worth being this ill over. god am i fucking useless. i will try and try to heal from all my hurt and my mind will pummel me with self doubt. i try to believe in myself i really do. i try to trust myself, that i can still make good art like i used to, i can experiment and love it and make it work like i always used to. i feel hope that i can really truly do it. and then it doesnt happen. i look down at it defeated because everything i loved about my work has been sucked out of me.

my art has always been there. the one constant in my life. always drawing. just a month ago i was spending hours everyday making art for my portfolio. and this month i havent completed a single thing. i think i csn do it everyone thinks i can but im not. im tired of being a failure and fighting myself everyday like a toxic relationship with a lover.

i wish so badly i could take all my pills with a big drink and not wake up this time. but i can't.

i expect nothing from anyone. slowly, people are beginning to expect nothing from me. i am so small and so stupid. i look in the mirror and i see someone who is beautiful but also a walking tragedy. disgusting. tiring.

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rocketandonuts · 1 year

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I wanna draw comic but I,,, just can’t today

Therefore I will be here brainstorms some trivial ideas of the siblings

Their weekends during high school:

Jules mostly spent his weekends on part time jobs. Occasionally hang out with his friend also (they’re both busy they majorly just hang out at school a lot)

Viv used to go outdoor to keep herself looking busy to Jules (she didn’t wanna let him know she’s a loner) and sometimes she’d spend time taking long trains to places and bought stuff back for her bro pretending that she went on trips with high school friends. That gets too costly and meaningless over time tho

Then after a while she started to look into cooking. It’s mainly to save money (their family isn’t particularly poor but for reasons after they moved out their parents supports them very little.) They don’t get to have fancy food outside, let alone Viv’s crazy appetite. So she tried to make them herself. That later becomes what she does the most during weekends especially for complicated recipes that can take a whole day to prepare. (She’d also like to try baking but their place doesn’t have an oven)

Tho for the time near the beginning of the comic she’s became less active and a lot of time just lying in her bed doing nothing while time flys away (there were other special factors that caused her inactivity. But I guess she count as being depressed at that time)

When it comes to food:

A funny little thought I’ve been considering putting into the main comic if I could at some point is that they dont order pizza.

Reason being it’s a lil bit expensive (in my country) and also that viv feels bad and unfair when they do. Cuz Jules would have like 2 slices while viv would end up eating the rest

It’s not news that she eats a lot but even so she likes to keep things “fair”. And what she do is whenever they have any meals together she’d have just slightly more then him for the main dish, then eat along side when a huge amount of carb like white rice or noodles or a whole loaf of bread

But they can’t really do that with pizza. Even if they intentionally leave a few slices leftover she’s gonna eat the leftovers soon anyway

Animals:

Jules likes animals. Almost all animals. Viv doesn’t really have anything for animals.

Jules would pat stray dogs and cats and Viv’s just watching him do that. He once thought about actually have a cat as pet and even asked viv about it. But after some discussion they decide it’s not that easy to just own a pet like that. So he continues to just petting animals outside

Social media:

Jules likes taking selfies but it’s only for his own entertainment. He’s not good at social media in general.

Viv prolly has a priv Twitter or a blog only for following things and venting thoughts

Itll be funny if she also writes short stories sometimes. Secretly. But idk that’s prolly not too in character

Their grades at school:

Viv has average grades for all subjects except math. She’s insanely good at math. She just thinks it’s the most simple thing ever

Jules has bad grades in general especially sucks at math. The thing is I wanna say the only one thing he’s quite good at would be English(or any second-language kinda subject) but that’s cuz I’m not American and so English is the main second language thing we studied at school… it would not make sense in a comic I already writing in English lol. So too bad he just sucks at everything now (Except sports and art if those count)

Speaking of such

Sports and art:

They’re both good at sports. Not to a point to stand out, but alright. Neither of them do work-outs but they both naturally have nice muscle mass

Jules actually can draws quite decently. But he never really developed it. Viv doodles but it stays on a normal doling level

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depresseddepot · 5 years

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I don't know how to make a keep reading post on mobile so don't read the tags if you don't want to read a vent lmao

#so this is going to sound selfish and stupid and probably entitled and all the other bad things but im tired of pretending #every single oc i make that has depression or every single character i like that has depression has always had a reason #like nobody knows who any of these fucking characters are but hear me out anyways #aepsthis has depression because his mother figure died #my Self Insert TM has depression bc her mother was abusive and her father absent #vaughn has depression because she was sexually assaulted three times before she was old enough to know what that meant #vanessa has depression because her father sexually abused her for years and when she finally met someone who didn't equate sex with (1)#violence he died and their baby was born a miscarriage.#the only character i have that ORIGINALLY didn't have a sound reason for being depressed was emil #but even now ive altered his backstory to make the depression part make more sense #here comes the selfish part uwu #i dont have a reason to be depressed?? like we were poor but my parents never showed it. my dad was scary and threatening but he wasn't mean #my mom would have sat and listened to me if i wanted to talk about something #nobody that i was super close to has died except for pets (dont get me started)#my cousin molested me when i was young and that sucked sure but i was so young that i didnt know what was happening so like #i can't blame all of my problems on that one occurrence #bc the ones i have and the ones that develop after that sort of thing are only minimally connected at best #i give all of my ocs tragic backgrounds to try and make sense of the reason why they have depression #but i dont even have a reason for having it #like im so convinced that im faking it or that other people will thing im being a whiny bitch bc nothing bad has happened to me #im white my parents are still together i can afford things i work at a job i like #i did and still do good in school i have pets and at least a couple hobbies #so im really super fucking confused lol #like i cant just be like #hey i have no reason to be depressed my life is great but hahahhaa i think i have depression uwu #because everyone will think im doing it for attention #idk i know my depression is still valid despite not having any traceable reasoning but #i feel like asking for help just takes up space that could be used to help people who need it more #and i cant ask for help when i feel like their talents would be better spent helping a kid who actually needs and deserves it #neither of the futures i can see for myself are ideal and i dont want to choose between a lesser evil or suicide

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papers4me · 3 years

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Fruits Basket,Se03, Ep 8 (part 1)

“ I hate myself, so much, so intensely, so completely, I wish I just go away, disappear for good, & yet in the end, I always protect myself, instead of taking responsibility, I run away every damn time, like now, I’m too scared to even look at your face”. The real kyo under the layers of trauma.

This quotation is why this ep is not abt romance. Instead it is abt: Extreme self-loath, faulty coping mechanism, self-awareness & inability to make correct decisions due to suicidal thoughts & non-existent self-worth.

This is a guy who’s literally seen death TWICE at the age of 4 & 15 (his mom & kyoko), is trying to avoid the THIRD (tohru’s) & is questioning why the FOURTH isnt happening (his own death).

-The layers of a broken self: Excellent writing:

I applaud the writer for choosing fitting methods to portray her characters’ own trauma. Yuki “ prince” mask & tohru’s “i’m okay” mask were fitting to hide their trauma & uncover the real personalities. However, since kyo would be the character to hide secrets & carry guilt, the viewers need to feel he’s hiding sth w/o knowing what it is. It was done cleverly to (a) tie the plot together, (b) build kyo’s character, (c) fit the climax, (d) suit his trauma of severe guilt & self-loath. Some of the things he does can fit two genuine layers: Both layers are true:

His initial refusal to open up to tohru in early se01. (Surface layer): he doesn't know how to interact with ppl who accept him as he confessed to shigure, (Deeper layer): he avoided tohru cuz he knew her!

He initially refused to join leisure activities & trips: hot spring & kyoto trip (Surface layer): he didn’t want to go with yuki (Deeper layer) he didnt want to spend time with tohru as he was unconsciously feeling that he’s stealing from her.

It killed him to see her true lonely self behind her fake mask & approached her with advice. se1, ep5 (grandpa house), se1, ep23 (sick tohru), se2, ep 8 (hiro’s remarks) & other instances. (Surface layer): he was noticing her issues, & genuinely wanted to help her cuz he’s kind (Deeper layer) he was falling in love w/her & unconsciously wanted her to be happy with HIM.

There were times when there was ONE layer, such as: kyoko’s 1st grave visit. He was so off, rigid, unresponsive, & completely shut down. Everybody read him. Yuki, tohru, Arisa & hana. they just don’t know why he behaving like that. his trauma manifested itself deeply that he apologized to tohru in her sleep cuz he was “ too scared to even look at your face”.

- Kyo’s trauma takes physical shape: (Clutching his heart: PAIN, clutching his stomach : DISGUST) :

While confessing to tohru, kyo’s features spoke volumes. You can see disrepair, guilt, broken soul, sadness & surrender. His body reflected his emotions:

wide eyes (disbelief), Cat eyes (utter fear)

trembling body (overwhelmed with toxic emotions)

clutching his fists (anger at self) , opening fists (surrender to darkness)

hand covering face (shame), Hand around neck as he finished confessing abt kyoko & yuki (desire for death: the final judgement)

The most focused physical appearance was his fist clutching his heart: he was in so much pain as he narrated how he loved kyoko & found a friend in her, desired to make her happy, to find tohru for her, how his his mom withered away out of fear of him & how pitiful & sad he felt towards tohru for loving someone like him. It broke his heart to see them all suffer after knowing him. All the love he felt for them squeezed his heart tight, he wanted to pull it & rip it away. Above all, he was sad to loose them all. Sad he can’t be wit them.

Then he clutched his stomach: representing the pure disgust he felt at himself. As he realized that there is no escape from being responsible for their death, as he admitted he illogically blamed yuki, his disgust with himself boiled in his stomach. What kind of disgusting horrible person does that? blame someone illogically? I’m horrible, hateful & utterly undeserving to be forgiven. Being disgusted with one’s own self! oof! it was so well-done with animation!

-Tying Mature Themes with Child Trauma:

Through kyo’s story, there were different mature themes that excellently dictate his behavior, mentality & emotional well-being: Excellent writing!

(1) The desperate need for self-worth: To be good for once!

by constantly destroying his self-worth thro contempt (the sohmas), rejection (his mom), hate (his father), pity (kazuma/ kagura, initially), kyo searched for an outlet to be a worthy human. Someone who deserves to be loved for who he is. He found that in kyoko. It is brilliant that kyo didn’t look for a mom in kyoko. He called her “ old hag”, she told him unflattering facts abt herself “ neglecting her daughter”. she was his first real friend. He found comfort being with her. He wanted to return the intimate feeling he felt deep down, kyo is so hung up on giving as much as taking as it contradicts the notion of pity. The opportunity came! Helping her find her daughter! being someone who does good! Return the daughter & feel worthy of being a true friend, a man (aka a person). “ i’ll help her, I’ll protect her for sure! it’s a man’s promise” The promise in its core is abt kyo wanting to be a person. Not a monster, or a cat. A true real boy. Away from all the toxic past emotions. Being a man: means being a big boy (person) with good achievements! All this shattered when a better boy beats him to it. The boy who was always praised, loved & respected! kyo’s self-worth diminished greatly & all the toxic emotions came back!

(2) The downfall of faulty coping mechanism: Creating a Bad Guy:

I stated before that one of my fave scenes of kyo was in se02, ep23 when kyo lashed out at yuki on the stairs upon seeing the hat & how yuki felt nothing but pity towards kyo as he was stuck in the past while yuki moved on. Brilliant scene that explains why one moved on & the other didn;t. Yuki’s faulty coping mechanism was being withdrawn & shutting himself. This coping mechanism didnt make him feel better at all!!! Also, he doesn’t have regrets nor sins, he dealt with his faulty coping mechanism with tohru’s help & the school council & healed gradually. Forever loving the writer for writing the distinction between kyo & yuki logically without painting any as monster in reality. Kyo couldn’t do as yuki for the following reasons: ( remember the old theme of everybody heals on their own pace? love it )

(a) He was addicted to shifting the blame as it made him feel better abt himself!! he shifted his thoughts from “ I wanna go away for good” “ mom, why didn’t you kill me instead” to “ it’s not my fault at all, it’s yuki” No match between the two feelings! one leads to suicide, the other leads to feeling like a mere victim. The two feelings are wrong tho & He knows that! he isn’t ready to stop the drug. He can’t face himself. “ the bad guy, if he isn’t as awful as you think, who you’re left to blame”.

(b) nothing around him can make him feel better. Tohru? but she’s kyoko’s daughter! she’s a lonely orphan, carrying her mommy’s pic taking to it! why? cuz you didn't save her! Loving tohru? is good & I wish we can run away far & be together always! wake up! why would she wanna be with a disgusting monster like you?!! You dont deserve her! you who caused his mom to die, caused her mom to die, blamed an innocent guy! Yuki? yeah, look at yuki, you can never be like him, watch as his true kindness gets noticed by tohru, the school & everybody!! he’s everything you cant be!! he should be with tohru! not you!! Master kazuma? poor guy! you brought him nothing but misery! you see his sad smile, don’t you? he’s disappoint in you. Kagura? she pities you!

(b) Kyo can’t fix his mistakes. kyo watched as yuki got back with his brother, befriended haru again, goes back to the sohma estate for the holidays. he feels he cant have similar reweds as he cant bring the things he needed. his mom, kyoko, his bio dad’s affection, kazuma’s pride in him, tohru’s love & his own satisfaction at himself. kyo just hates kyo “so much, so intensely, so completely”

(c) his fault coping mechanism mirrors his dad’s. Kids pick up toxic habits from parents all the time. Even his suicidal thoughts mirrors his mom’s! brilliant writing!

3- running away from responsibilities: perfectly constructed theme!

Who didn’t? I’m guilty! ugh! one of the best themes in furuba hands down! Any other writer would have made kyo do it once, or twice & have him face it in climax & then deal with it. but NOT takaya-san! She excellently took her time with kyo repeating this exact mistakes over & over to better portray the theme & take it out from the boundaries of story-telling to realistic depiction & logical gradual progression:

kyo ran away from being accused of killing his mom (he’s completely innocent & isn’t responsible for his birth’s deformity/curse nor his mom’s suicide)

kyo ran away from accepting kyoko’s words that yuki isnt bad & most importantly that kyo is good. He had found relief in blaming yuki, now you wanna tell me I should look into myself? I’m bad! i dont wanna look. your words are weird “ no bad or good” Everybody says otherwise, the sohmas, dad & mom! kyo angrily ran away (completely guilty but excused as child would be).

kyo ran away from facing kyoko’s body & wanted to punish himself with death. Depression took over him as “ master tried to get me to keep living”. (completely guilty in his own eyes, if only he tried to safe her, even if he transformed, Even if she still died regardless!!! he hates himself for choosing the disgusting kyo over the kind kyoko)

kyo ran away from telling tohru the truth upon seeing her, pretended not to know her, slowly dying each time she smiles, slowly falling in love & wishing for a chance with her, a chance he believes doesn't deserve.

Kyo ran away in se01, ep14 when remembering the accident as shigure triggered him. Tohru consoled him & he lost the chance to come clean.

kyo is running away now. Unable to face her “ too scared to even look at your face”. “ I cant forgive me! I dont want you to fogive me either”

So, after running away the first time, kyo should’ve learned better, right? now in the climax, he shouldn’t have run away? Yes, he should. cuz simply, he isnt ready. We dont learn from our mistakes cuz someone told us. we learn when we fix the core issue. A guy who thinks he deserves a chance in life would stand tall, confess his sins, argues, talks, tells the story unbiased, then waits for verdict. kyo thinks he doesn’t deserve to be alive, thus, tells the story with server bias towards judging himself as unworthy. HE decided the verdict & didnt wait for tohru: “ I cant forgive ME! I dont want you to forgive me either” That’s why toru’s words fall flat. “ why cant you see the truth: I love you” he can’t tohru!! cuz right now it is NOT abt love. It is abt trauma!

4- Sever guilt & desire for disappearance (death):

As adults our mistakes loom over us & we’re constantly reminded of the “ what if I had acted differently”. This ties with kyo witnessing his mom’s horrible death at 4 years old. Death in itself is scary. A loved ones death is devastating. Watching it unfold in shocking unprepared way is destructive. kyo was destroyed. Not enough: he gotta carry the guilt as his dad & the sohma hammer the accusations. He gets another chance & loves another person. Only to watch the blood splash reach his shoes. “Guilty” whispers the past. “Guilty” confirms the present. He stands in front of the most precious person to him. Now what? If tohru forgives you, the pain goes away???? You wouldn’t repeat the ultimate mistake of killing her, would you? you ominous creature. Her mom warned you. The nightmare stands hovering over kyo’s head, waiting to come true. IT WILL COME TRUE!!! OMG!!!

if Akito does it. It wouldn’t be kyo’s fault, right? If the car hit kyoko, it’s not my fault, right? if my mom did it herself, it wouldn’t be my fault, right?

But if only kyo didnt ran away, tohru would be alive. If only I pulled kyoko, she wouldn’t have died. If only I wasn’t born, mom wouldn't have killed herself.

The “ if only “ that killed kyo’s mom as she lamented “ if only I gave birth to the rat” will eventually destroy kyo! ugh!!! AMAZING WRITING!!!

5- The Right Time to Heal (self-desire or outside help?):

When yuki was trapped in Akito’s room, haru visited to help. did yuki accept it? NO. yuki didnt even remember much of it. Why? cuz it wasn’t the right time & yuki was too deep into darkness to notice, to accept & to change. It wasnt until he was out, in co-ed school, rebelling against akito, when tohru came, he accepted her, then it lead him to accept School Council & haru. Tohru had Arisa & hana, but never went to them in her darkest moment, hiding she was living in a tent, they were hurt & confronted her, still she kept hiding her fears, sadness & darkest thoughts, interfering in Arisa’s life to provide help, but never allowing them to interfere, until kyo came & broke her mask, she started to complain, talk, show true emotions & want things! She opened up to Isuzu, too. Arisa & hana weren’t the right ppl at the right time for tohru to heal. Kyo had kazuma to teach him better, kyoko to make him notice his mistakes, tohru to love him unconditionally, the right ppl, but all that was in the wrong time cuz he’s in his darkest moment now like yuki was, unable to see or accept. Healing requires self-desire & outside help, but it gotta be in the right moment, when you can see beyond the abyss & into the faint light of dawn. That’s when words will reach the heart. Kyo need to fall so hard, in order to stand up again. Today, he unloaded his burden, threw up the disgust he felt towards himself, spewed all the hate against the real bad guy: himself! Kyo is kyo’s bad guy, has always been. He needs to let go of hating himself & accept the kind gentle kyo that kyoko & tohru saw ~

Side Notes:

This ep is why furuba wins & deserves 20 years of recognition among manga-readers! this story is real! it is NO sweet fairy tale of two lovers. It is abt one’s self & desire to live. All of them struggle with this particular desire: kyo, tohru, yuki & the rest.

kid kyo was looking for young tohru all night! T_T

this ep of kyo confessing/ narrating his past , reminded me of yuki’s 3 eps of him confessing/ narrating his past!!! ugh! I wish tohru had that! ahhhh.

The 4 months in the mountains weren’t training!!!!! they were depression & suicidal thoughts! ouch!!

Perspectives are what dictate our feelings: Through yuki’s eyes, kyo was so happy with a loving father, friends around him & a house outside the sohmas. Thus, yuki envied him & wished to die not knowing kyo was living in trauma & feeling utter contempt & self-loath. Through kyo’s eyes, yuki was so happy with a living loving family, friends around him & a house with respect. Thus, kyo envied him & wished to die Not knowing that yuki was suffering abuse & neglect!

I love the pacing of this ep!!! It gives room to feel pain & understand the situation!!! I didn’t feel the headache of the bullet train!! THANK GOD!!! SO SATISFIED!!! I was invested all the time!

kyoko’s “ I’ll never forgive you” really destroyed kyo & went beyond it to destroy her own daughter! AAAAAAHHHH ~ T_T

I have some issues with the “ I forgot” part. It makes no sense that they make him forget the accident only to do the cheap cliff hanger in ep 6, then lazily weave it into his confession to tohru in ep. 8. He always remembered the accident. Apologized to tohru in her sleep in se01. ep14 for that exact accident, Then in se02, ep 9. It was ALWAYS in his mind! ALWAYS. Sorry Mr. Director. very lame try. lol.

The only thing I didn’t like is the music! very weird choices throughout the ep! especially at the end. Why a happy music over kyo’s “ I’m disappointed in you? lol!! its sad & tragic?! weird!!!!

I will talk abt Tohru will be in part 2. (her choice, kyo’s answer to her & the need to let go of her mom, the sohmas & of... kyo.

#Fruits Basket #Anime Only #GREAT EPISODE #satisfied paper #final season #Part 1

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zuffer-weird-girl · 3 years

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Don't touch...

(L/n) (Y/n).

Quirk? Unknown to him until the days of today...

Your company after all these years had been quite... enjoyable for him to not say the least. Most of the time you wore a mask, gloves and clothes that covered most of your skin, yet you always opted to be more free, feel the sun and the wind on your skin... he never get it why though.

Without the clothes you would remember a bit of him, flinch away from the touch even before it could touch you... yet when it was on your clothing you just reacted calmly and dare he say even sweetly.

He came to know you as kids, just barely when he entered the yakusa Pops showed to him you.. a kind soul that asked him if he wanted to play despite the look of distrust and hatred he gave to you just when you looked at him.

He never complained about you not wanting to be touched, he didn't liked it either. But he could tell you had... different reasons. As the years went by, he notice the dreadfull and even the remorse behind those (E/c) eyes of denying someone touch, a pat on the head, a hand shake... a hug.

It was... strange.

It's funny how reverse psychology worked... thats at least what he deduced from his own analysis. He didn't felt comfortable, heck actually he felt sick to the stomach if everyone else got too close to him or forbid God to ever lay a finger on him... but with you? The more you would get away from him, the more he wanted you to stay by his side... you were one of the few whose he felt comfortable enough.

He had gone through one of the most painfull feeling right on his childhood. Parental neglect and abuse, not even mentioning the pain he had to atture of controling his own quirk, testing on both victims and himself. Seriously, what could be worse than that?

Simple. When he found out that he was actually catching feelings for you, and your neglect of touch was even from him.

He didn't know what was so special that left his skin itching to just brush against yours...he just.. needed to test the waters. Yeah, it was only that.

The Hassaikai for a very long time had a plan for touching you. Since you werent as deadly and scary as Kai, and had kinda of a good partnership for all of them, he just could watch the shit go downs.

But soon stopped being a joke one day where Mimic went from behind you and tried to grab your wrist as you listened to his other plan to tell Pops later. He didn't even could tell you before your reflexes acted and you kicked Mimic square in the face.

"Dont. Touch me. This is not a joke anymore." You muttered in anger before bowing to Kai and leaving the room, his golden eyes widening at the drops of tears you let it slip from your eyes.

Mimic never once thought that the young sucessor of the Hassaikai could be even more enraged and such a monster when dealing with you. Rappa could only laugh since this time he wasn't the one having his ass beaten and overhauled. Haha poor him I torture him sometimes here

He couldn't understand... until the day where you were crying your eyes out. He couldn't understand until you just threw three blankets at him and hugged him for all your might.

His breath suddenly dissapeared...he didn't know what to say or even do at that point, and just when he was about to lower his arms you pulled away from and took the three massive blankets away from.

"Sorry, Chisaki.." you sniffled as he blinked, stoic gaze still present at your depressed state. "Really, forgive me I-"

"You never once told me about your "despise" for touch." He interrupted you, letting you lift your head for him to speak again "We both know my reason, but you're far away from a clean freak person or a mysophobic... explain it."

His eyes never widened at the point where it even hurted his whole life.

Your illness. Your quirk. That was why you couldn't touch anyone neither let anyone touch you. Your quirk allowed you to give resistance to others with only one glance and gave you amazing reflexes... but the consequences were way too big....

Hearing this made his skin form into hives, anger at despicable things rising even more.

From that way beyond, he promised himself that he would create a cure. It didn't even matter, he just needed a cure for this. A cure for you to stop suffering.

More years went by... he saw your worry at Pops condition, he saw your worry towards him for both being charged with the chore of taking care of the girl and both for him to get the tittle as the big boss.

Yet he couldn't stop. When he discovered Eri's quirk he saw a hint of light on the end of the tunnel. You wouldn't ever need to use thick clothes to protect yourself from vanishing from existence.

The bullets were only experimental. He selled most of them to be used as... experiments. He would use the first serum on you, and this way you could stop this nightmare where many nights you confessed to him... as he confesses his own sins.

You wouldn't like to know about Eri, so he simply erased the idea of telling you that. He never answered your questions on what he was working. His mind fooling him that he wasn't exactly lying to you if he hadn't said anything.

He could only be relieved to graze your skin under only using his gloves... at first he thought it would be enough, but no.

Love is like a damn drug. The more you get, the more you want. And he couldn't help but want more.

The bullets were a success... but he knew heroes were coming towards him. That blonde and green haired kid surely were behind this...

So the least he could do was give you a night to remember if anything went wrong on those next few days.

"A festival?" You asked with wide eyes before gasping at him putting the box on the desk. "Huh?"

"You always talk about them." He answered nonchantly, montioning with his eyes at the box as hs stuffed his hands on his pockets.

You snickered and opened the box carefully before widening your eyes, picking the golden and with traces of shiny green yukata on your hands... you were out of words until you gasped at Chisaki leaving and standing on the door way, giving you only one side eye glance as he spoke before he closed the door.

"I expect you to be ready by 8."

You blinked in shock before softening your gaze, holding the yukata over your body as you could only smile...

You were tired of living this way... if it meant you could spend a night with the man you love normally... so be it.

The sky had a bunch of lanterns and it shined with the lights of it along with the stars. You bounced and walked happily ahead of Chisaki with a basket.

He was always wary of anyone who ever dared to step closer... the yukata covered your legs, chest and arms. But you noisy self insisted on going without gloves and he was actually worried that the material of the yukata he brought wasn't as thick to protect your skin.

Yet he had to only breath in and out, the air making it hotter around the area where his mask was... he had one of the serums in here. With him. Soon he will inject, and gave to you your freedom.

"Ne Kai! Look at that booth over there!" You tugged on the material of his own yukata as his golden nonchantly gaze looked at the mans throing balls and hitting the aims of the booth, winning prices for their kids and partners.

He let out a "tch" before noticing how your eyes shined and how your lips quivered up at seing the stuffed animals the man was giving.

Blinking, he sighed, muttering how he this was a waste of time before he dropped a bunch of coins to the man and grabbed three balls.

You clapped your hands in glee as he threw the three balls and with the most perfection he hit the three aims right on the middle of it.

"Choose." He said nonchantly while grabbing a napkin and wiping his GLOVED hands as you pointed at a cute yet fluffy and chubby penguin. Without the man grabbing the stick, he lifted his hand up and yanked the stuffed animal and hand it to you as you squealed, nuzzling your face on it with glee... making him smile at how innocent and sad this scene was.

Everytime you would look at a treat or just a snack he would buy... you even wondered with wide eyes and mouth full how much he brought to this festival as he only growled for you to not speak with a mouth full.

You were hugging the price Chisaki won to you for warm as he looked at you and stopped, it was on a fair and quite isolated area of the festival so he found the perfect time to give you the medice. Your cure.

"Cold?"

"A bit." You giggled before you saw him taking a box and overhauling it, showing a little red capsule "What's this?"

"... (Y/n).. I despise touch. I really do.. but I can't lie that I wasn't expecting at least to feel a real contact between us, skin to skin... you know how much you affect me? To have me, Chisaki Kai, wanting to at least feel what your skin feels like? Feel how soft those lips are instead of just receiving a quick kiss on my mask..." you blinked, raising a eyebrow with a sad smile.

"I wish I could do this way sooner-" you stopped talking as soon as you heard laughter and voices of childs running and playing around.

"Brats..." chisaki sighed at the sign, a quadruple of two girls and two boys chasing them, the two young girls greeting both of you as the one of the boys screamed after them.

It all happened so fucking fast... the last boy tripped and it was about to fall with his head on a rock... it if it wasn't for your good reflexes the boy would had fall.

"Thank you miss!" The boy mumbled with a smile as you, with both hands on his arms helped him.

His and your eyes were so wide... you looked at him and his gaze was filled with horror.

Your hand started to fade, a bunch of (E/c) butterflies started to form and fly away instead of the hand that was suppose to be there.

He couldn't even fucking move as you looked at him... he expected everything but the huge smile and the sob of happines you let out before jumping on him and hugging him with tears in your eyes.

"Finally I can touch you..!" You sighed with a sob, not feeling your legs anymore.

"(Y/n)-!" He dropped the bullet on the ground and clenched onto your back as his eyes started to burn before you locked his lips so softly, your eyes closed as your image faded away and his eyes wide open...

The last thing he saw was your smile as your body was replaced with lifes and butterflies... his knees gave out when he could only tigger at the yukata he bought for you...

The whole festival was all happy and cheerfully until they heard the shouts of pain of a man inside the peacefull and full of butterflies forest.

A/n: eeyyy dont even need to coment the damn visible reference right? :D

#overhaul x reader #chisaki kai x reader #overhaul #chisaki kai #bnha characters #bnha #bnha villains x reader #bnha villains #bnha fanfiction #bnha fics #zuffer writings

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ao3gingerswag · 3 years

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okay so I had a lil plot bunny for wander home I thought id share.

so I know that we don't really know how dean turned up at johns, I think you made a passing comment about him being left there but you said you hadn't really thought about it. I was thinking about wander home (as one is wont to do when ignoring any and all other responsibilities) and i had a little thought. so I'm thinking this is way in the future when sam is like 17/18, he's going through all the teenage angst and hes having thoughts about bio family. obviously, dean and cas are very happy at this point but sam for some reason gets it into his head that since he and dean aren't *actually* biologically related, their relationship means less and he starts obsessing over deans actual family and whether they could give him things sam couldn't (I think this would tie into a lot of guilt im sure sam has about his inaction during their childhood at johns even tho he was a literal child) and it's this whole guilt thing of whether or not dean has a better sam out there and how sam used him and all such guilt. so anyways, 17/18 sam is I imagine still doing his lessons with the pastor, perhaps he's been promoted to apprentice or whatever, and he decides to use his almost adulthood to try and track down deans bio family. I think he does this to get answers, solving the mystery of deans past (bc deans been with him entire life) but also to prove to himself whether he is actually keeping dean from a better life (o the teen angst) and maybe reunite them. so adventure commences, I imagine him searching through any records he can get his hands on (not many) and maybe lying to cas and dean and saying he's been send on an errand by the pastor and he goes back to John's inn to search for information. anyways after that all happens idk if it would be better for him to find out the truth or not, I can picture multiple endings that would work out differently which I can also add on later if you want but the ending point would be sam realising that dean IS his brother and they ARE enough and 'family don't end in blood' and all that jazz and he returns to the inn and maybe he tells them maybe he doesn't but either way he comes back a lot happier and dean and cas are like 🤨🤨 but they're happy he's seemed to come out of his funk and welcome him back with open arms and make a fuss out of him and sams like :]]]]

ohhhh noooooo this is wonderful!!!!!!! poor sammy :( having all the survivors guilt come back and blaming himself for things that were SO totally out of his control (sam: i didn’t lift a finger to help him ;~; ! dean cas bobby eileen pastor murphy literally everyone else they know: you were literally like 7 what the fuck were u supposed to do???) (also he DID lift a finger to help he always tried to help and risked his dad’s wrath for it, from the time he was like 3 years old ;~;)

anyway anyway. Sam goes Searching, maybe he has to confront john again to get the answers he wants (if john is even still alive idk. regardless i dont think he’d have his inn anymore lol not w/o dean and sam to do all the work. hes probably in debtors prison or whatever.) and yeah theres def no record of what happened to get dean into john’s hands. i think i mentioned in the outside that dean has a vague memory of being pulled away from his parents while crying ;~; but yeah they sold him to john. but like its the middle ages it wasnt like formal there was no paperwork. there is no record. but! maybe sam finds out where john is through the records he can access thru pastor murphy. maybe like he sees that john had been arrested and is in some prison, so he knows where to find him. maybe they only let him in because he can be like Look I’m Important I Work With Pastor Murphy or whatever. so they let him in ans he confronts john and gets to cathartically shout at him/punch him in the face/force him to tell him where he got dean and everything he knows about dean’s parents.

so he uses this information and finally tracks down dean’s parents. and! they suck! like theyre not EVIL per say. not like john. but they still sold dean to a creep who didnt make an effort to hide how he was gonna treat dean. and theyre...really not remorseful when sam is like hey i know ur long lost kid. the dude u sold him to turned him into a child prostitute. and theyre like well thats not OUR fault! like theyre really defensive and pissy and dont have any interest in meeting dean or even hearing about him. they just want to be left to their lives.

so for a while sam is super devestated about this. i think he kind of built up this whole thing in his head where he would find dean’s family and they’d be wonderful and better than sam and sam would reunite them, thus finally making dean permanently happy and making up for the imagined guilt he carries around bc of their childhoods.

(maybe this whole thing started bc while dean has generally become very happy with his life hes still fucked up, maybe he got into a depressive funk and had like a panicked breakdown like he hadn’t in years, and sam was like whoa. this is my fault and dean still isnt actually happy i guess. maybe if i can find his Perfect Other Family he’ll be happy)

so sam makes his way home all :( sad and depressed and feeling like he failed. and then! when he gets home! he comes in and he sees :) dean being happy :) (dean and cas weren’t worried about sam being gone bc they knew he was traveling, tho they didnt know the real reason). and dean is like smiling and laughing while baking bread with cas and sam is like.... :o and then dean sees sam! and hes like :DDDDD SAMMY YOU’RE BACK!!!!! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!! and he runs over and gives sam a big hug and lifts him into the air even tho sam is giant at this point. and sam is like. oh. OH. he has a good family already. cas is his family. and i am his family. and we do make him happy. even if his parents were good he wouldnt want to go live with them or whatever bc he already has a happy family and home here <3 ;~; ;~; ;~;

and he doesnt tell dean where he really was or what he was doing or about his biological family bc it literally doesnt matter at all <3 <3 <3 ;~; <3 :)

#ao3gingerswag #wander home #ideas #prompts #sammy!!#i think maybe sam does tell dean one day. like way waaaaay later #like when theyre in their 40s or something #until then dean doesnt need to hear about yet more ppl who didnt care about him. by the time hes like in his 40s hearing that #would make him sad but wouldnt impact his self esteem or something #so sam might tell him then if the topic comes up #also @hooomdooom i would also love to hear ur ideas for the endings!!#im just rambling on my lunch break :)

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bionic-penis · 3 years

Text

Since ive been dogging on it so much i will compile my thots on the new deh movie. I don't know anything about music or theatre or movies so this is coming from my perspective as just someone who enjoys things. Some other things that are relevant given the context of the movie is I grew up poor with a single mom and i suffer from depression and anxiety. Okay okay <33 bulleted bc I REFUSE to write smth well thought out this list will be SO petty maybe if the movie was enjoyable i would be nicer <33

Warning for spoilers!!

First off. They cut out almost all the songs that gave insight into how the adults thought and felt. These are SO fucking important to the story as it fleshes the adults out as more than just set pieces. "Does Anybody Have a Map?" was so important because it introduced the Heidi and Cynthia and showed how they were trying their best despite it all. Cutting this out, alongside with "Good For You" trashed any chance we had at understanding either of the mothers. The one saving grace for Heidi was the fact that they left in "So Big/So Small" but it was not enough

Speaking about "Good For You"... GIRL. LITERALLY WHY WOULD YOU CUT OUT THE ONE SONG THAT SEES EVAN HAVING TO CONFRONT HIS MISTAKES???

About Heidi... Her relationship with Evan makes me mad. It always has. He is such a dick to his mom and its not even in a believable way imo. There is NO resolution to this. Heidi just offers him advice and sings a song and thats it. They didnt even really fight!! Evan just said his stupid line about how the Murphy's treat him nicer and they part ways awkwardly. Another nitpick about this scene? It didnt have the iconic "ugliness" of the version that im used to. What I love about that version is how the actresses voice dips and sounds so shaky. I love how she doesnt sound necessarily angry, but heartbroken. She sounds devastated. And while I LOVED the actress in the movie she just didn't deliver that same emotion. It felt forced. And the whole scene felt inconclusive.

Its hard having a mom whos always working I understand and this could have been such an amazing moment to showcase that there is no guilty party in this situation. Just a mom whos trying her best and a son who just wants to connect. BUT DO THEY DO THAT? NO. THEY LIKE TO THINK THEY DID BUT THEY DIDNT. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU OH MT GOD THIS ONE PART OF THE STORY MAKES ME WANT TO EAT TWIGS IT MAKES ME SO UPSET 😭😭😭😭

Another thing is that all the songs seen so Evan centric. He sings most of them and I can only really remember two songs that he wasnt apart of

Which brings me to "Requiem"... Which I hated. And have a BIG nitpick about.

First off. Its just shot bad. Theres this moment where it goes from Zoe walking down the hall at school to Larry walking between cubicles to Cynthia walking down a grocery aisle. I felt nothing. The only good thing to come from this is when we see Larry walking down the same way just to return home to cry in Cynthias arms. This is the one moment that got me. The one moment that felt emotionally weighted.

This song could have been shot beautifully. Switching between perspectives and each Murphy's relationship with Colnnor but it doesn't. It lacks intimacy. Even when Zoe is driving her car pedal to the metal driving down an empty road it fails to connect deeply, especially when this moment is never brought up or expanded upon. Also its stupid because at the speed she was going she would have needed a LOT more time to stop than just the split second she has when the light turns red

Another thing about this car sequence?? No stakes. There are no other cars on the road. It wouldnt have even mattered if Zoe hadnt stopped in time. This is one core issue with the movie: there are no consequences for any actions the characters take. I think that id Zoe had ran the stoplight she could have gotten a ticket and opened up a moment for connection between the Murphy's

On more than one occasion we are forced to endure a montage of events that occur without context that I feel are meant to establish that at least SOMETHING happened but what this does is rush character beats AND, especially, Zoe and Evans relationship

Now I LOVE "Only Us" but one cool song does not a relationship make!!

Also the reoccuring montage of Evan falling out if the tree.... 😐

Its such a serious moment but my friend and I laughed. Yeah.... Fail moment.

The way they depict Connor is fucking disrespectful and I hate it and also its fucking awkward. The only reason i sympathised with him at all during the movie was bc he wasnt evan.

Zoe and Evans relationship have no weight

Zoes relationship with her parents have no weight

Evans relationship with Heidi has no weight

No relationship has weight

Ben Platt makes an awful teenager. I dont care how iconic his voice is as Evan. Awful decision to cast him. What was once an emotional exploration of manipulation and acceptance is now a grown man standing in the middle of the hall pissing off frosh, soph, junior, and senior alike

Also the scene with him in the locker room... What the hell... GIRL what senior has a pe class and also??? How have you lasted that long in the locker room we have been doing this for seven years get with the program

What these sequences of Evan standing around looking like That do is NOT establish his anxiety issues but rather make me more likely to shove him in a locker. Seriously. Its borderline stereotypical and makes me embarrassed to have anxiety

I have not even touched on all that upset me but that is enough talking about the bad musical movie for now. If u disagree with me no you dont amen

#rambles

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ms-demeanor · 4 years

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After reading your "ultra-long postivity post", now I have kind of a weird feeling because i relate a lot to pretty much everything you said, but i ended up approaching the "not everyone can x" from the opposite side, being the "gifted kid" teachers used to hold everyone to unrealistic standards (that i knew most couldnt achieve in the given timeframes), and now i get frustrated when i dont develop skills immediately, because i have done it before and feel like i should be able to and aaaaaaaaaa

Funny story: when I was a kid my parents had both my sister and I tested for learning and developmental disabilities. This testing included IQ testing.

It identified that we were both “gifted” kids* and that I’m dyslexic.

It totally missed my ADHD, though!

The problem with that is that my parents. Hm.

Okay my parents both grew up in very poor families. VERY poor. And they both wanted to go to college and knew the only way that they could was through scholarships. So they became debaters. They met at a tournament in high school.

Debaters are weird. You need an efficient working memory and strong recall and the ability to think quickly on your feet. Being witty and kind of an asshole are also good traits for debaters. Basically you’ve either gotta be really fuck-off smart to be a competitive debater or you’ve gotta at least *seem* really fuck-off smart.

And my parents were champion debaters at a national level. The Whittier College debate trophy has my mom’s name written directly under Richard goddamn Nixon. My dad was on the USC debate team and competed against Harvard and won. Not only that but he ended up coaching debate for USC and Cal Tech.

So as kids who grew up in extremely poor families and were able to go to college and get middle-class jobs and buy a house because of intellectual ability my parents placed A LOT of importance on intellectual ability.

So that IQ score became a large part of my life.

First we attacked the dyslexia. The approach was basically teaching me a bunch of sight words because sounding out phonics doesn’t work when the letters get screwed up. And because I was *gifted* we did a lot of really BIG sight words.

It took about six months to get me up to speed from “memorizing the pages of a story to match the pictures because I couldn’t read along in class” to “the first book I read on my own was The Hobbit.” I guess that counted as “cured” because that was the last time I got any kind of educational assistance.

At that time I was at a gifted school, a really tiny private school that was also an after-school daycare where we did full-day classes and then did gymnastics and swim from 3-6pm. I also was there over the summer because my parents worked.

So going from “tiny private school where the teacher has you stand up in class to read your failing grade in front of everyone so that she could shame you into performing better” to “fine public school in a suburb wealthy enough to have arts programs” was a major, major change. They did an aptitude test because I was transferring in from a different district and there was much discussion about whether or not to move me directly from the second to the sixth grade.

The district refused, thank fuck.

The public elementary school didn’t *have* a gifted program so it took very little time for me to become the Certified Weird Kid. My third grade teacher had me read aloud to our class for twenty minutes a day. I taught the class the multiplication table.

When it got to be time to go to the junior high school my mom went to a meeting for the school’s gifted kids program. APPARENTLY one of the kid’s dad’s basically said “I don’t understand why you’re wasting school funds on field trips for the stupid kids, the school should spend more of its resources on kids who have a chance of actually meaning something to the world” and my mom decided that while being gifted was important it was less important than making sure I wasn’t exposed to assholes of that caliber on a regular basis.

(thanks mom, I actually do really appreciate that reprieve)

Several teachers pushed me into advanced classes - my math teacher insisted that I take the advanced algebra classes in the seventh and eighth grade.

The GATE kids *WERE* assholes and were extra bonus special assholes to me because math was the only advanced class that I was in. (At my junior high school you had to pick your elective based on what level of classes you were in - to take the GATE classes you HAD to take a music elective; if you took art, drama, shop, or home ec you couldn’t take the smart kid classes. The algebra class was a new, separate addition to the program so *some* of the kids in the “electives for dropouts” program could take algebra. Schools are really fucked up, guys, in case you didn’t know schools are really fucked up and that was BEFORE No Child Left Behind).

I got a C in that algebra class and sat in my room for literally an hour screaming at myself for being such a selfish, distracted idiot that I let myself read my books instead of studying harder for the class. (clearly very healthy, normal twelve-year-old behavior)

When it was time to go to high school my teachers made a united plea to the district to transfer me into honors/IB/AP classes.

The kids in the honors/IB/AP classes continued to be kind of awful to me. I got extremely depressed and basically started doing the lazy-but-brilliant thing of completely ignoring homework or in-class work but performing spectacularly well on tests or essays in the classes that I wasn’t catastrophically failing

I was the only person at the school who got a perfect score on the vocab part of my SAT. I was the only honors kid who hadn’t been in SAT prep classes. There was only one other kid who graduated with the same number of units as I had, we’d outstripped the valedictorian and salutatorian but three classes each. I only applied to one college - I got accepted for painting but my interviewer urged me to move to the writing program and I got accepted for that too.

My financial aid didn’t come through and my dad wasn’t willing to cosign for loans on “an art program at a trade school.”

I got accepted to Pratt Institute on their Writing for Publication track which included an internship with the New York Times for third-year students in the program.

At that point I had a Columbia Scholastic Press award for my work on my high school yearbook.

Let me tell you, the community college that I went to and spent five years variously failing and succeeding at had a fucking *killer* newspaper and magazine when I was there. The local community newspaper that hired me when I was 21 was also much better designed and edited than it had any right to be for the three years I worked there (getting paid a whole eight dollars an hour and sometimes working 20 hours straight to get it in to the printer on time).

When I transferred to the state school I got perfect grades and worked full time and won every contest offered by the school’s English Honors society (which I couldn’t join because I was a transfer student and hadn’t done honors classes my freshman and sophomore years). I started a literary magazine with some friends when I graduated; we published four full issues online before it fell apart.

You know what’s also funny?

Even the food-service job I had to pay my way though the community college I felt terrible about attending was a skills test. I was a barista, so of course for a while I was a competitive barista.

I disappointed my parents a lot. I heard a lot of “we know you’re better than this.” I got told I was too smart to be screwing up this bad. I mentioned it a couple weeks ago but my results from that IQ test got compared to my sister’s and that was the justification for holding me to a higher standard. “You’re measurably brilliant, why aren’t you acting like it?”

Here lies the corpse of a gifted kid. Look on my works ye might and despair.

I am the perfect picture of a twice exceptional gifted kid and the reason I wrote all of this out is to tell you one thing:

“Gifted Kid” is a label that someone applied to you, it has nothing to do with who and what you ARE.

It’s very, very unfair that the adults in your life used you that way. I have an exceptionally terrible memory of being singled out as the only one who passed the first test in my IB World History class; “Why is Alli the only one of all of you who is writing at grade level? You’re supposed to be the smartest kids in the school, why did you all fail?”

That’s awful for the kids around you, that’s awful for you. It doesn’t do anybody any favors if people around you are being informed that you’re setting the curve they’ll be judged against. And it really, really doesn’t do YOU any favors because it doesn’t take long *at all* for your brain to learn that that’s all you’re good for. If you aren’t the best at a thing then what’s the point, you HAVE to be best because they already SAID you were best and if you aren’t then all these other people hate you for setting a standard that even you can’t keep up with.

You end up competing with past versions of yourself and focusing on those things that make the grownups in your life praise you because the grownups in your life has praised you in such a way that it’s turned all the other kids against you.

You know who bullied the fuck out of me? The kids I taught the times tables to, the kids I read to for half an hour a day.

Those kids were MEAN to me but the teacher who told me to read Boxcar Kids to the class after lunch everyday was NICE and she told me not to worry, they were just jealous and I should be proud of my gifts.

“Anon did this in three minutes. What’s taking the rest of you so long?” - what a terrible weight to put on a child. You’re right. Not everyone can do everything.

Fucking hell.

Adults what the everloving shit is wrong with us? Please don’t treat kids like that.

Okay.

But here’s the other thing:

If there’s any time in your life that it’s easy to acquire skills with no apparent effort it’s when you’re a child surrounded by a support system that is engaged in making sure that you can acquire those skills.

It took three adults, two dictionaries, and several hours a day to teach me enough sight-words to throw me into “look at baby genius*” territory but from my perspective as a little kid I was just reading cool stories.

I spent four hours a day in the yearbook room and ditched and failed other classes so that I could work on the yearbook. I collected hundreds of magazines to get an eye for layout. But from my perspective as a teenager it was a fun activity that I did with the closest thing I had to friends.

I’m sure that there are some skills that you had a natural aptitude for, some things that came naturally. But I’m also sure that you didn’t learn those skills with no effort, it’s just that now as an adult with a life and other shit going on it takes more effort to learn to do things.

In all likelihood you weren’t a savant who did everything perfectly the first time you tried. It just seems that way because even really smart kids don’t know when they’re bad at things and are mostly being compared against other kids (with the few rare exceptions of music prodigies or math prodigies or those kids who end up in science grad programs at 12 and boy howdy do I think there’s a whole other can of worms when it comes to the way child prodigies* interact with the world).

You wanna know what probably saved my life in the last few years?

That “anti-capitalist love notes” tumblr post.

You are worth more than your productivity.

I was actually kind of offended the first time I saw that post on my dash. “No I’m not,” I thought. “You’re only worth what you can do, everyone knows that. People care about what you do for them.”

And why the hell would I think anything else? That’s what I’d learned for pretty much my whole life.

It took me a really long time to understand that I was wrong. I matter outside of what I can do for people or how well I perform. I matter more than being able to perfectly recite poetry from memory or do calculations on command or sit down at a piano and play a piece I’ve never played by sight-reading it.

And you matter outside of that too. You’re more than your performance, you’re better than being gifted. There are people who love you for the way you make them laugh and how you listen to their stories and for the simple joy of your presence.

It’s nice to be clever, it’s handy in a lot of situations even if it does come with a lot of baggage for some people.

But god damn, it’s important to be kind.

* Personally I have issues with the way that society constructs the concepts of giftedness, genius, and prodigies. There are a lot of “gifted” kids who were the kids who scored in the top 5% of their class in school but there are also gifted kids who were doing high-level math or reading novels as toddlers; there are prodigies who showed an aptitude for music young and who were then schooled in that instrument to the exclusion of all other activities (and I bet there are a fair number of kids who might be considered prodigies if they were trained to play flute for nine hours a day and didn’t have friends but thankfully we don’t *do* that to very many people - side note, ask me my opinion about olympic athletes some time). Words like “genius” and “gifted” are very nearly meaningless and almost *never* accurately reflect skills proficiency or long-term success or are reflected in income or respect. People think that geniuses are hypercompetent robots with their shit together but literally every adult I know with a genius-level IQ is some variety or other of total fucking tire fire.

#congratulations you have unlocked level two of my tragic backstory #long post

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fuckmessier16 · 3 years

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[Tw: sexual assault, self harming, mental illnesses, alcoholism......]

I always come here and just complain that im depressesed and anxious, why do i feel like that? No big reason, im lonely, and shy, and everything is too much for me to do, i cant properly study on college, because im depressed and i get anxious about....... studying, because in 2017/2018 i put a lot of effort on graduation, and then burnout, binge drinking as a cope mechanism, still studying, attempted to kill myself on the day before of the classes restart after the summer break, i tried to pretend nothing (i mean, who never tried to kill themselves, right?) And was anxious and blah blah

I mean: im shy, im too dumb for college, didnt know how to take care of myself, romanticized bad cope mechanisms and i overthink and dramatize every social contact i have

I mean, that's basically what i say here, right?

I was thinking today, i just.........

I don't know, like

When i was 5 i passed through an accident and i had 4 fingers amputaded

Once when i was 10-12 my brother (2 years older) took photos of me naked, i was asking him to stop and my parents didnt ANYTHING about it (im not sure if my brother already used to watch hentai at the time, like, full of incest, pedophile and rape)

When i was 11 a stranger touched me on the beach twice

When i was 19 my ex boyfriend ignored me asking him to stop to slap me during sex once (i like bdsm, but not on that moment). He KNEW i have problems saying "no", but that night i was "dont do that, not now.... stop... no, no no, no [safeword], yellow, stop doing that". We were A BIT drunk, and i remember he took a photo of us after the sex and my face was RED because i was CRYING (he already did something like that with an ex. I didnt broke up, we are still friends today)

One of the reasons i had poor self esteem during my teen years was because i was questioning my sexuality and i felt like a horrible human being not knowing how to talk about it to my potential partners

I mean, its not like i passed through a lot of shit, but i could complain here about sexual assault, but no, i talk about how sad i am because Possum doesnt notice me (in a normal way). I say "oh, im depressed and alcoholic, i cant find a job lol"......... i dont know

Like, actually i dont really care that much about the sexual stuff i said above. To be honest, i think (and my mom already talked about it) i have depression and social anxiety because of the accident i had as a child....

I dont even know what i want to say with this post. I guess "hey, you there, i know im a failure, but i have some reasons for that!"

"Oh, a stranger tried to touch my vagina when i was 11? Oh i dont care. But goddamn, i was SO FUCKING DEPRESSED because once in 2019 i tried to cheer my friend Thunder up (she was depressed/suicidal), she and her boyfriend invited me for a last minute menagea trois, but she got mad and they didnt talk to me again. I was guilty, so i cope self harming while masturbating haha now i get triggered when i see sexual scenes on movies (or gore) LMAO"

Lol

#mine

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popculturebuffet · 3 years

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The Loud House Valentine’s Day Double Feature (Back in Black and Stage Plight) or My My My Once Bitten Twice Shy

What is up my Loudites? And while I am returning to the Loud House I do have some sad news to get out of the way first.. i’m ending regular coverage of the Loud House. I don’t like doing this.. but when I picked up the show, I didn’t really have a set schedule.. and that was a bad thing as I didn’t get nearly everything I wanted done. Now I have one and honestly it’s been great: it allows me to stay focused and if I end up not feeling what I was going to do that day, provided it’s not a comission or specfically needed that day, I can swap things around a bit easier.

The reason I bring this up is Nick’s way of scheduling means I CAN’T reasonably put the show on the schedule. They often don’t announce airdates until the wee before, which isn’t a bad thing WATCHING, and isn’t unresonable for a children’s network. But for someone who likes to have a concrete schedule at the top of the month, still flexable and able to make changes if they come up but at least some idea of what i’ll be doing and when, that’s a non-starter, as not knowing when a show’s going to be there or not really messes with things. In contrast Disney puts up their entire programming schedule for next month towards the end, so I know if a show’s coming back, and thus that it’ll probably be around for next month’s too. And if it goes away a week earlier than expected then super I have that space for other sttuff. But I just have too much other stuff, paid and on my own time, to keep friday’s open in perpetuity.

I will however still reviewing the show infrequently as I still love it, Season 5 will probably have plenty of episodes I want to talk about, already it has Leni running for mayor which sounds like one of my wonky spinoff ideas and I love it all the more for that, and ther’es tons of episodes I have and haven’t seen to dig into. So like Lori I won’t be in the house on a daily basis but i’m still going to show up a lot. I already have an April Fools special planned, as well as a retrospective ready for some time in the future. And of course if more Sam and Luna episodes show up, you know i’ll be on those as fast as humanly possible so yeah not leaving the show.. just not coveirng it because I like having some control of my schedule, it’s a thing with me.

Good then we can get to why your ACTUALLY reading this unless you’ve already scrolled past or scrolled up to this. Next Sunday is Valentine’s Day, and so to continue Valnetine’s Shenanigans on this fine blog, i’m doing some romantic style episodes of the loud hosue for you. I did intend for this to be bigger, but frankly i’ve been running behind on reviews and running out of steam lately, so I paired it down to the two I wanted to do most. So for today we’ll be covering two of the show’s couples: One they badly need to bring back and I question why they haven’t, and one that I feel has gotten a lot of flack for things that aren’t it’s fault. Both are really adorable so expect some awkward blushing, bats, blood, and other stuff rhyming with B under the cut!

Back in Black: So we begin our double feature with Lucy

Yeah I have not covered this adorable harbinger of death enough on this blog, and intended to do this one, among other lucycentric episodes back in october.. and the fact I didn’t is a good argument for why I have a schedule now ain’t it? But sometimes your plans not panning out right at the exact time you planned them works out for you. Not getting to do Plan 9 From Mission Hill during Pride Month meant I got to do it on comission later. And not getting to do this one at Halloween means it still works fine just fine for valentine’s day.

So we begin the episode with Lincoln working on his science project, with Rusty coming over to help.

Shockingly though not only is he not just taking a nap or hitting on Lincon’s sisters while Lincoln works but actually helping, he’s actually good at it. I’m as suprsied as you. Though this is early in his characterization, so he hasn’t’nt been established as horribly sucking at everything or his friends being done with his bullshit QUITE yet. Give him time. This is an interesting moment in the character’s history though, as it’s the episode that firmly establishes him as a close friend of Lincolns. While he was already turned from a member of a random violence gang to LIncoln’s buddy in the span of season 1, this episode cements him as one of his closer pals simply by him coming over and the two being fairly familiar with one another. Granted by that same token Girl Jordan should be in the group.. and I have nothing to add to that. Add Girl Jordan to the Lincrew. Just do it.

Anyways Rusty brought his brother along. And you’d expect me to be terrified as there’s now three of them. But.. nope I like Rocky. He’s a chill kid and his personality goes together well with Lucy’s as while he’s a more typical kid, he’s still very subdued in his emotions like she is. Also he mentions both parents so my divorce theory.. is honestly still valid as this was three seasons ago and I could buy their mother left during that time.

And yes Lucy’s in love.. and stalking him a bit as she follows him around the house sighing while he wonders who did that.. though it is a nice clue their compatible. When you can sense the presence of someone whose big running gag is showing up out of nowhere to scare the crap out of people that means something. And it’s either that you’d really get that person or your Wolverine. Or one of his kids. Or his clones. Or clones of his clones. What i’m saying is Rusty’s mom banged the wolverine and his family tree is really weird even by marvel standards.

But I do give her a pass as she’s not trying to be creepy or obsessive, she just doesn’t know how to talk to him as he’s your average kid and she’s a creature of the night. It’s just a kid being shy which is very refreshing both because pre-savnio being fired the show had some very messed up ideas about relationships and gender politics at times, the latter of which actually crops up here, and because having grown up with the cartoons of the 90′s and 2000′s.. I had to put up with things like this.

Full Disclosure: I DO ship sonamy.. but only after around Sonic Chronicles, where Bioware and then Sega decided to not make “Constantly harasses sonic despite him clearly not being interested and saying so vocally” and “Obessess over him to a point I worry she’s going to break his legs so he’ll never run away from her again”, as well as aging her up from 12. Still find her ungodly annoying at best and terrible at worst before that point, Sonic CD and Sonic Advance excluded. And yes I am that huge of a nerd, damn proud of it too.

What i’m getting at is that a little girl unable to talk to a guy and only being kinda creepy because that’s what she does is LEAGUES better than “IT’S NOT CREEPY WHEN A WOMAN DOES IT”. Given this episode was written by a woman that probably helped a lot if not entirely but I don’t blame her for that.. more on that later.

Point is she’s smitten but her first attempt to talk goes back as he rushes to leave after she tries talking to him.. and also appears out of nowhere to spook him. Come on man, your better than that. YOu sensed her before why not now? Up your game. But yeah Lucy’s depressed while Lincoln talks to her about it, about them leaving and once Lucy confesses she’s into rocky asks what he’s into. Lincoln.. has no idea as he’s barely been around Rocky. He’s just an average kid he dosen’t quite understand. Normal is the word he uses and Lucy ponders that. We next see the three most traditionally feminine sisters, Lori, Leni and Lola, all pissed someone stole their stuff, though Lori does suspect Lola at first because let’s face it, this fits her MO of being an entitled brat and not being above petty theft. But no the culprit is Lucy who genuinely apologizes and understands that their mad but the other girls are fine with it given the context, which Lucy explained, and are happy to make her over. This is where the problem I was hinting at comes in: ALL the girls are on board with this makeover plan. the problem is.. only the three who came in in the first place make actually sense making Lucy more tradiotnally feminine. Lori loves fashion and is a control freak who has troubles with empathy at times especially at this point in the series, Leni while not INTETIONALLY hurtful is kind of ditzy and thus can miss some cues, and Lola has a yawning starless void where her soul should be. For these three? Yeah this plot actually makes sense they wouldn’t think of Lucy’s feelings and actually help her use who she is to get rocky or tell her it doesn’t matter she’s beautiful as she is.. then presumably bring the wrath of god down on that poor child before things were cleared up. The issue is more dragging the other sisters into it. It only fits the three above to really give a shit about making Lucy more “normal” and “Girly” and “Other stereotypical bullshit”. Luna is very chill and empathetic and would be the first to say “Wait maybe making her the opposite of herself isn’t a good idea”, Luan is likewise empathetic though I could possibly see it she really doesn’t need to be in this plot, Lynn ENTIRELY doesn’t fit as she prefers sports and getting dirty and what not and is the closest to Lucy out of the sisters and thus would probably be the most defensive about her not changing and that could’ve actually been interesting, Lana would be the same minus the being closest and Lisa is coldly detached a lot of the time and wouldn’t care about any of this on a good day. It feels HORRIBLY offensive and out of character to have them all suddenly be “nah your not girly enough”. These girls don’t give a shit about whose more feminine than who and it’s really bad to pidgeonhole them as that. However.. I dont’ blame episode writer Gloria Shen entirely for this. She wrote it, she gets some of the discredit.. but she didn’t DIRECT the episode and a LOT can change from page to screen. No THAT was series creator and known sexual preadator Chris Savino. And i’m not just blaming him because he’s a creepy asshole, but because the seasons he directed, seasons 1, 2 and most of 3, had a bad habit of having episodes where all the girls acted as a group and often to weak ends, like the green house, the one where they all fought, the gender swap episode or heavy meddle.. which is a headache for another day. Point is it doesn’t surprise me he didn’t fix this or even genuinely cared to differentiate them and it’d be until next season where the show fully became an ensemble piece. SO yeah I blame him on this not for his horrible history, but simply because it sounds like his writing style and as director, and a producer on the show, he had the power and responsibility to fix things and did nothing. So if it wasn’t directly his fault in the first place , he certainly didn’t fix it, call it out in storyboarding or well anything. So yeah shared blame all around.

So after a makeover montage, Lucy is uh... well I can’t describe the abomination they’ve created.

I mean.. none of it works, and I think that’s very much the intent, dosen’t make it any less horrifying. Nothing about this is right: makeup REALLY shouldn’t go on a child in any circumstace so the blush on her cheeks is creepy and makes her look like one of those creepy porcelian dolls that i’m 100% sure either are planning to kill us all one day or were made to keep the souls of the damned trapped inside forever. The ear rings just look creepy and again are a bit much for an 8 year old, and the blonde hair just brings it all together. The pink outfit is fine.. I guess but the face is just so unsettling I can’t process the rest of her outfit and i’m not even going to try.

Point is she looks terrifying, and not in the fun way she usually does, and Rocky dosen’t know what to make of this. Oh and if your wondering why he’s here Lynn just.. took a hockey stick to Lincoln’s project to get the Spokes Boys back over here, and Lisa mocked him for pointing out the obvious holes in their plan despite being 4 and LIncoln having a girlfriend at this point. Granted his relationship with Ronnie Anne at this point is also kinda effed up, but given you all pushed him in this direction, Lisa still has no room to talk and they amicably broke up at some point once the writers decided “Let’s pretend like this never happened and they were just friends, despite her being introduced with a crush on him and us still replaying episodes with said relationship in play, instead of actually dealing with this directly”. You may be easily able to guess what hte retrospective’s about at this point. So Lori comes in for phase two .. WITH BOBBY!

Just.. I cannot tell you how much I needed my boy to calm me down after the last two scenes of horribly off character writing and ... that thing up there. He dosen’t do much this episode but every episode is better with Bobby and that’s a scientefic fact. So Lori claims they had a double date fall through which Bobby barely follows along with.. and it does kinda feel pressurey to kinda force Rocky’s hand here but her intentions ARE good, and a group date is a good way to relive presssure. It just ends up falling through becaue Lori wants her to act intentionally helpless, which makes no sense both for Lori’s personality given how driven and controlling she is and how Bobby clearly knows both things and likes the first and she worked on the second for him. So yeah the golf date falls through and Lori apologizes for being a bitch about all of this, as they all do, which again. .has me questioning WHY we needed the whole sister group instead of just Lori and co. Or even just Lori. The show REALLY needed to learn character ballance and while it is struggling on occasion, as seen with how lincolncentric this season has been so far, this episode reminds me it used to be MUCH worse.

But Lucy thanks them because their intetnions were good, i’m going to need a citation on that given it came off as them wanting her to change because they found her weird nad not because they genuinely wanted to help her, and goes off to sulk about being alone. Lincoln dosen’t know what to do till the next day where, again suprisingly, Rusty had the right idea and had them come over to his place. We also find out he’s scared of blood.. which.. I can relate to. Seriously i’ve only insulted the guy once the whole episode

But we find that out because Rocky made his own because he actually found Lucy’s really cool, what a kid. So Lincoln gets the brothers over to his house by damaging the project himself then claming they need to go back and once he sees Lucy’s around has Rocky go into the kitchen to get them some sodas which he agrees to because why not.

So in a nice little change-up on the running gag Rocky shows up startling Lucy and we get a really fucking cute scene as they hash things out. They have a normal conversation, finally getting past their shared awkwardness, in part because he admits he prefers her as herself. As it turns out Rocky wasn’t scared.. he just thought she was too cool for him and felt intimidated and like Lucy had no idea what to say. The two then blush and after my heart melts and I freeze it back into shape in a few hours, the two decide to go look at her coffin collection and the next day proudly show off their perfected fake blood.. which destroys the project one more time. WAH WAH WAH. Oh rusty... I knew I could count on you to fuck up at least once.

Back in Black Final Thoughts: First off Black in Black: Weird Name. I mean it kinda gives the game away, not that fans would thikn horrifying mistake lucy would stick but still, and dosen’t really fit. Call it “Why Do Ghoul’s Fall in Love” or something like that or something related to makeovers. Makeover Mistep. Don’t Make Me Over. Makeover Your Case... okay that last one sounds more like the Legally Blond equilvent of Cobra Kai but the point is it’s just weird. Outside of the parts I already went in detail about why their dreadful.. this ep is pretty good. That one bit isn’t enough to derail the episode, merley take it’s goodness down a notch, and Lucy is genuinely fun to watch and her heartbreak is hard to watch, and Rocky was an engaging new character with lots of potetial. A large part of why I did this episode. is to ask WHY he hasn’t come back. Rusty’s now a major character, to the point he’s co-headlining an episode next week with Zach... why Zach’s getting an episode, a SECOND one at that I have no earthly idea but the point is the show’s getitng comfortable enought heir giving lincoln’s friends starring episodes without him too, as Liam got one , if alongside Lynn the power couple of 2021 I tells ya. My point is, besides when is Stella getting an episode dammit, that Rocky really should make a come back as he both provides another character for Rusty and the rest of the lincrew to bounce off of, and he and Lucy had genuine chemstiry and now she has her OWN cast there’s an easy story there about her friends reaction to her dating a non goth. There’s a lot of story potetial with this precious boy bring him back. But overall Pretty in Black is a decent episode, worth checking out if you haven’t seen it and rewatching even if you have.

Stage Plight: So we open with Luann, whose one of my personal faviorites along with Leni, Luna, and Lucy. Granted I haven’t checked out her yearly bouts of going ax crazy on her family yet, but we’ll see in april. But outside of that, which is easy enough to isee iven it’s three episodes out of 214 where she’s like this and she gets her compuance, I find her precious, awkward, and entertaining, from her habit of saying “Get it “ to her love of puns, to the fact she’s essentially a wholesome version of the batman villian the ventriloquist..

Yeah in case you forgot about this gag, she often talks through her dummy Mr. Coconuts.. who functions as her sounding board and helps her figure things out, talks like he’s from the 40′s or 50′s, and in general is a delight. He also once or twice, including this episode acts of his own free will so I don’t know if this is a Child’s Play situation and a dying comedian put his body in her dummy and she’s just rolling with it, if she somehow put a piece of her soul in a dummy or what the hell’s going on here. Compared to the series recently what with it’s mayoral campagins, children murdering guys, and actualy factual spies, this is mildly sane. MIldly. This may also be a serious and untreated case of Disociative Identnity Disorder, but given it’s not framed that way, and Coconuts just seems to be Luann’s way of talking with herself, for now she has’nt gone full vintriloquist. Thoguh givne her april fools day behavior and her profession as a comedian, she probably WILL become the new joker at a some point.

So the two are talking about Luann’s crush on Benny. Benny was introduced back in L is for Love and is one of the only three love interests there to actually return, and along with Sam the only onen to get multiple episodes about their relationship with their respective loud and a full personality. He was also MASSIVELY hated. For those who joined the fandom more recently, Luann was massively shipped with Maggie, an emo girl who showed up in Luann’s second spotlight episode and one where she didn’t torment her entire family, one I still need to see but have read about. It was pretty cute and nothing was wrong with that or the opposites attract dynamic. But said fans got REALLY and understandibly upset about his introduction and were presumibly none too happy he got to return and got his roll expanded. And I.. genuinely like the kid. I have nothing against Maggie and in fact poly ship her with both Luann and Benny, as both seem like they’d be open to that and her dour demanor creates a nice contrast between the chipper luann and the somewhat chipper but also chill benny in the middle. I just feel he’s a very likeable character, sweet and awkward and very much on Luann’s wavelength. Like Sam he’s SIMILAR to his love intrest, having Luann’s love of puns, mime and the theater, but is also not quite as giggly about it and as I said has a bit more of a chill to him, in contrast to how sam is slightly more energetic to Luna’s near constant calm off stage.

I also like him because he’s voiced by Sean Giabrone, an up and coming voice actor who I first met watching the Goldbergs as Adam. His other biggest role so far has been playing Jeff on Clarence, though he’s currently picked up another lead voice roll as Yumulack on Solar Opposites, easily one of the best parts of that show, and has done othe rminor and recurring work, but I feel he’s got the potetial to have a long and fruitful career in voice acting if he wants it. I mean he’s far from the first former ABC star or former Ron Stoppable to make a long and successful voice career of himself. Be the next will fredle man you can do it.

But yeah I like him and think their cute together and feel demonizing a ship for one that had a low chance of happening isn’t fair, especially when you know, we’re in a fandom where incest runs rampant and is STILL a recurring problem to this day. Pick your fucking battles for god’s sake. As I mentioned you can put maggie in with this relationship or Still ship luaggie regardless.

So back in the episode Luann and Coconuts notice Benny signing up for the school play and decide to join him.

Yeah i’ve noticed that a LOT of school set plots are about one of the mains joining a play to either be near or play romantic lead with their crush, or romantic hyjinks happening anyway. Seriously i’ts a lot. I DID think most of them were around romeo and juliet, and Proud Family, Pepper Anne, and Ned’s Declassified all are probably why, it’s actually way more diverse and i’m happy to give credit to shows and movies for that: Jimmy Neutron used Macbeth (IN SPACEEEEEE), American Dragon Jake Long used Antony and Cleopatra, as did the comic strip Foxtrot (That one I remembered), Daria used the canterbury tales, Arrested Development used Much Ado about Nothing, and one of my faviorite instances is the film Get Over it. It’s a cheesy as hell early 2000′s high school pg-13 comedy, that I loved as a teen and nos nostalgicaly love but am aware it has issues and some stitled acting as an adult where our hero joins the high school play in order to win his ex girlfriend back from the douchebag she’s seeing now and ends up falling for his best friend’s kid sister instead. They do a mid summer’ night’s dream, which is not only awesome SOMEONE thought to use that one , as the film has given me a special affection for the play.. but it’s a cheesy musical version written by the gloriously over acted director of the play played by martin short.

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My faviorite part of it is the boy band style number about Hermia. Yes really. And I didn’t even get into the fact Siquo is one of the main character’s best friends, Kristin Dunst had to reshoot a scene while making the first rami spider-man , our heroes weird parents who are sex therapists and have no real filter AND offer Coolio a threesome on their advice show, and yes the actual coolio and yes that was an actual person that existed, or best of all the douchey rival who stole our heroes girlfriend, whose not only a former boy band member whose band peformed the song love scud, but also threatens our hero with nunchucks at one point.

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Just see this movie.. i’ll hopefully talk about it some day.

Point is this kind of plot is stock.. but it’s the good kind you can do a lot of twists and turns with as every example mentioned, even the ones using the crush thing, had some clever twist or turn. And this one is no exception as we’ll see.

So we meet Ms. Berardo, the schools HAMMY as hell drama teacher who gives herself an entrance and is just wondrously entertaining throughout. She’s played by Grey Delise Griffin, which I could recognize immodestly and man does she bring it. Seriously bring her back. Wonderful character. So our heroine and her leading man audition and in a refreshing change of pace they do not get the lead rolls, instead a modern valley girl and a jock who writes his stuff on his arms do so instead. But since Bernado’s a bit nuts, she decides to have the Montagues and Capulets practice separately despite tha not making a ton of sense, to drive up tension and what not. I mean isolating an actor to drive up tension is a vallid technique but even having not read Romeo and Juliet since high school, over a decade ago, I can tell you they have several scenes together and this is a logistical nightmare. However our heroine finagles her way over to swapping camps so she can talk to Benny since honestly given the whole thing was a way to get to spend more time with him, she might as well quit otherwise. It also.. isn’t a bad tactic. She wants to know him before asking him out properly, which is fair and a good way to go, and they already know each other and are friendly, and it’s something she likes doing anyway as they were both involved with a play in his first appearance and her liking theater makes sense as she’s a comedian, and while she clearly prefers standup, it’s often a natural evolution to go fromt hat to acting in comedy stuff or making your own show, so it’s not a bad idea to learn that side of the buisness too.

So Luann FINALLY gets to talk to Benny.. after fast ball specialing mr coconuts in the way of someone trying to sit down

But we get a really cute moment as the two just.. talk like two dorky teenagers; They talk about the real mimes of la, which I want badly to be a show.. even if it’s just to find out what the Mime from Animaniacs is up to now. Where DID that guy go? Did the anvil finally kill him? These are the kinds of things that keep me up at night.. which is probably why I’m finishing this at 4 in the morning. But the two have genuine chemistry with Luann offering him her banana, phrasing, and making a pun he chuckles at. It’s adorable as all hell.

And Bernardo notices, and since her leads have no sparks she regretfully demotes them.. though their reaction is hilariously realistic as both are just happy to have less lines and walk off. She decides to cast Luann and Benny despite being freshman which would never happen but eh this is a unvierse with a snakebird and spies trying to destroy cherries with a death laser why I do I care two seasons later if two freshman got the leads in the play. Still I love the twist: our hero wasn’t trying to get the lead to creeiply force intamacy or anything.. the two just had natural chemistry and the director noticed that and wants to use it.

But while this should be great.. it isn’t as Luann keeps dodging actually kissing Benny when they rehearse the kiss. The reason.. is really frigging endearing. Luann simply hasn’t kissed anyone before, this will be her first.. and naturally she’s REALLY nervous about having it in front of a crowd or Benny thinking she’s a bad kisser. And I mean... while I had no personal experience at that age in kissing, most media and personal accounts detail it as awkward as fuck. But that’s the irony: she dosen’t KNOW it’s always awkward and thus is putting a ton of pressure on herself like anyone her age.

So she breaks under the pressure despite the reasurances of her Dummy/Possible Sign that she needs therapy and while she finds a way out the next Day Benny has aburbtly quit because of “chess club”.. which he’s not in. Luann finds him and talks to him about it, worried it’s her fault.. and she’s right, though Benny bowed out because she clearly wasn’t comfortable with him and didn’t want to make her kiss him when she clearly wasn’t comfortable with it. What a man what a man what a mighty good man. Luann TRIES to explain.. and then lets Mr Coconuts do it. Which usually in high school would lead to humilating rejection. instead Benny brings out his own puppet Mrs. Appleblossom.

Just those eyes.. black and souless.. like a doll’s eyes.. because htey are a doll’s eyes. So yeah Benny also has a puppet he uses to say the things he’s too nervous to say. Which is endearing even if again , KILL IT. KILL IT. I mean i’ts like tha tone guy from victorious if the puppets were actually charming and one of them looked like it was about to play hide the soul. Mrs. Appleblossom explains that Benny is also nervous and with the air cleared and the two realizing theyw ere nervous about the same thing... the inevitible happens

So that fades into the kiss happening on stage, with Luann’s family cheering her, our heroes take a fookin bow and Coconuts and Appleblossom look on.. and talk somehow...and somehow got in the seats on their own.

Stage Plight Final Thoughts: This episode.. is one of the series best, with great pacing, a low amount of repetition and a relatable conflict, while building up Luann’s love intrest to be a wonderful and engaging guy, and giving us a hell of a guest character and Mrs. Gerardo. This episod eis great, the chemistyr between Gambrone and Pucelli is fantastic. This one is just awesome and worth a look especially if the ship contrversy had hit you hard. It really is good. And there’s always room for benny. Until the next rainbow it’s been a pleasure.

#the loud house #lucy loud #luann loud #benny stein #lori loud #leni loud #lola loud #lincoln loud #rusty spokes #rocky spokes #valentine's day #animation #nickelodeon

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minhothebighoe · 4 years

Text

2:03 pm I Love You

Requested: yes: “Hey babes, hope your doing swell❤ What about Felix ( stray kids ) with a self conscious s/o? Like, she just doesn't thing she's good enough for him + so he hard core comforts her. Cuddles her until she gives up type thing. Possibly smut but if you don't write smut for him just fluff is fine.”

Word Count: 3.1 k

Summary: Your relationship with Felix was great at first, but when you two got caught in public it changed your life for the worst.

Warnings: mentions of feeling depressed, mentions of sex, small amounts of smut (just don’t blink), a mention of degradation kink (AGAIN DONT BLINK). And a cute/ sexy Felix

**also I haven’t proofread yet so hope it’s not too bad lololol, also maybe pt. 2 ???***

“Babe please tell me what’s wrong”

Felix sighed deeply, before laying a hand on my bare shoulder, gripping tightly at the exposed skin that poked out of my sweater. He looked and concentrated on me with worry and sadness that was clearly displaying on his soft features; his eyes showing nothing but pure and utter remorse. I turned away and stared at the floor silently with pure guilt and anxiety that was building and starting to weigh heavily on my chest. I hated myself for the fact that I was the one causing him to feel this way.

Things have been shitty for a while now, and I’m not talking about Felix or anything about him. Felix is literally the light of my life, and it’s not an understatement when I say I would literally take a bullet for the boy or give up my life to save his. Everything that is wrong is because of me, myself, and I.

Things were more than amazing in the beginning when no one knew of us together. When Felix could visit or hang out we would mostly just Sneak around and hide the fact we were an item. It was definitely hard most times,especially for him; he wanted nothing more than to show me off to the world, but at the same time it was oh so exciting. Even though Felix wanted to come out to the world as more than close friends he also loved concealing our relationship. He being the dirty Aussie boy he is admittedly ached to fuck me in public anywhere that he could get his hands on me, and shit, it was our dirty little secret.

However, things mostly took a toll for the worst when dispatch caught us together, and stays all over found out about the relationship.

It was late at night, Felix and I were at a park close to my home, and me being the dumb ass I am, was not thinking coherently. All I was thinking of was the lovely night me and my beautiful boyfriend were having, and the fact that he was physically there with me. At no time did it occur to me to think that other people would be up at the god awful hour.

In the moment, Felix was chasing me on the open grass field, and we were both happy and content. We didn’t need much more than each other to have a good time or have fun.

“You’ll never catch me!” I laughed, running faster away from my playful boyfriend who was right on my tail. I however, knew for fucking sure he was definitely gonna get me, I just wanted to tease the poor lad and get him all worked up.

Not even 10 seconds later he caught a hold of my hand and before I knew it, we both came to a dead halt. I turned around to face him and capture him at the moment, it almost felt like one of those cheesy kdrama moments where everything is in slow motion. His beautiful dark eyes stared lovingly and deep into my own. His chest was heaving up and down and all I could hear was the sound of his heavy breaths parting from those big beautiful pouty lips. He leaned his forehead onto mine before speaking with that sinful voice of his,

“God you have no idea what the fuck you do to me.”

That beautiful playful smile was now a wicked and sexy smirk, and god did I love it.

He pulled me closer to where my chest was touching his long lean frame; I felt his hands slowly travel and make their way down to my hips, it was almost teasingly unhurried. I felt a soft squeeze on the flesh, and a painful chill make its way up throughout my body. I thought I forgot how to breathe at that very moment.

Meanwhile felix’s eyes had never left mine, causing a certain feeling make its way through out my core deep within. I was aching for him to touch me, and I could tell he couldn’t wait any longer as well.

God you have no idea what you do to me, Felix.

He continued to smirk at me before impulsively bringing his lips down to my neck with such vigor and pure lust. I brought my hands instantly from his chest and placed them at the back of his head running them through and tugging on his sexy red locks. I gasped for air as I felt his teeth nip slightly at my flesh, hitting that sweet spot just right below my earlobe. He slowly proceeded to run his tongue over the bite mark before sucking ever so mercilessly. I could feel the heat rapidly making a pool in my underwear, and I didn’t know how much longer I could wait for him to touch me.

“F-Felix please.” I pleaded.

He detached his lips from my neck, and I could instantly feel a cool breeze attack the spot where his mouth once was.

He stared devilishly at me, his pupils getting blacker, before speaking

“Awe is my baby girl getting impatient…. don’t worry darling I’ll fuck you right.” I gulped; He leaned in again, and I could feel his hot breath hit the inside of my ear causing goosebumps to arise and my complexion go pale.

“I just wanna play with you first.”

I stared at Felix as my mouth went dry and my mind buzzed. His words alone were enough to get me off, and all I wanted was for him to rip my skirt off and fuck me right then and there.

But Then…..that’s when I heard it.

**click**

I snapped out of the trance like state, and forcefully pulled myself away from Felix’s body. I automatically knew exactly what that sound was and it was almost an instant shock of anxiety that rolled throughout my body. I looked over to Felix and I could tell he felt the exact same way.

“C’mon babe we have to go.” Even though he was trying to rush me, he said it as calminglyas possible.

** click **

As we moved quicker away, the more rapid the noise was becoming. Felix and I moved speedily, giving even Usain Bolt a run for his money, trying to get away from the situation. However, we both knew it was too late and the damage was most likely done. We were already caught and red handed at that.

“People are going to find out” I thought, anxiety filled my entire being with the thought. What will they think? This wasn’t no ordinary fan base I was going up against, these are kpop stans the most frightening yet loyal fans to ever exist. They were going to completely and utterly judge me.

and that they did.

It had only been 1 month since the pictures had come out of Felix and I embracing each other at the park, and let’s just say the backlash was worse than what I was expecting. Each day was more shoddy than the last, it seemed as each hour passed the more shit I was getting and the more comments filled my Social media telling me I wasn’t good enough, or that I was too ugly, too fat, and so on. At first it didn’t really bother me, I had hoped changing my profiles to private would help, and get people to calm down about the situation, and it did for a while. However me being me, I couldn’t help myself to search and see what the fans were saying,and as much as I wanted to ignore it, I couldn’t fucking do it.

“Ugly bitch, Felix deserves so much better.”

ugh.

“Where the hell did he find her? Probably some whore.”

Woah.

“Fat ugly bitch should lose some weight, she’s going to crush our poor Felix.”

Ow.

“They’ll never last SHE'S just another slut I mean look how short her skirt is in that picture, such a sleeze”

Okay then.

A couple more months had passed and I thought it would die down but for some reason it never did and as the number of comments and articles grew, I felt my deepest insecurities grow as well, drowning out any ounce of confidence I once had.

The fat comments were an especially hard pill to swallow as I had always been insecure about my weight. Even though deep down I knew I wasn’t “fat” I still had trouble looking at a mirror and being happy with the way I looked. And having a boyfriend who is an international heart throb did not make things easier to say the least.

“Why aren’t you eating babe?”

“You‘ve lost some weight love since the last time I saw you, I’m a little concerned”

“Babe please eat something, are you okay?”

Felix had seemed to have asked these questions quite a few times in the past months, and I would always reply with the same short answers along with a fake smile.

“Lixie I’m fine, I promise.”

“I’m just not hungry.”

“Ohh I just ate I’m okay.”

It wasn’t just the fat comments not causing me to eat, it was everything that was sending me into a spiral of self hatred and let’s just say: my very own demise. I had lost all appetite because all I could think of were those millions of fans telling me how ugly and disgusting I was, and, oh yeah, that I should do Felix a favor and just kill myself. And the most annoying thing was, I had no idea why it was even getting to me so much. It just hurt knowing that practically a whole fan base hated you because you loved someone so unconditionally, and you couldn’t do a thing about it or change their mind.

And I started to believe every damn word that was thrown at me.

I was too scared to even leave my home knowing that people knew who I was and how I looked. I didn’t want to risk it. I was scared, point, blank, and period. Sadly, I didn’t have anyone to confide in. I had always been mostly independent and an introvert so friends were very few and far inbetween;I didn’t want to worry my poor parents, as they would be devastated and heartbroken to know their little girl was feeling this broken. And, I couldn’t tell my boyfriend because he was busy most of the time getting ready for a fucking world tour to notice, and there was no way in hell I was going to distract him from that, so me being very discouraged to bring this up to anyone, kept to myself and thought being alone was the best option.

At least that’s what I thought I could do.

I guess I was naive thinking I could hide and push away my own feelings, but every negative thought, moment of regret, and all my insecurities were starting to show and make their way from the dark abyss and pile to the surface. I wanted anything but to worry Felix with my issues, however everything was becoming way too hard to mentally bare and I was reaching above my boiling point.

“Y/N, please for fucks sake talk to me, don’t you understand I’m here for you? Don’t you understand I can tell when something is wrong?”

Felix, who was sitting next to me, quickly got down on his knees in front of me. He placed a hand lovingly on my cheek, softly rubbing soothing circles with the pad of his thumb on the skin, causing me to feel somewhat calm.

I didn’t want to tell him how I was feeling partially because I didn’t know how to explain it. There’s just so much going on inside my head that it feels as if I’m at war with my own consciousness.

“I-I’m fine baby I p-promise I ju-“ tears were threatening to spill and I couldn’t even look him in the eyes.

“Bull fucking shit (y/n). You for the past 8 months have been anything but yourself, you’ve lost so much fuckin weight to the point where you’re skin and bones, you’re not eating, and I- I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, and it fucking hurts to see you like this and I-“ tears streamed down Felix’s face, and he cupped my chin and forced me to look into him.

Everything was accumulating and it was starting to reach a point where hiding these demons was not in the question anymore. Seeing Felix in this much pain because of me, tipped me beyond off the scale and I felt almost angry that all this bullshit had happened. Am I weak for wanting to tell him?

Would he be able to handle it?

As I was building the courage to speak, I turned my head away again hearing my phone vibrate. I could see the notifications building up from Twitter on the screen from the previous hour; Felix noticed too and instantly shot out his hand to grab my device.

“Felix baby no do-.”

I tried to grab the annoying hardware before Felix could see anything, it it was too late. His eyes widened.

“Kill yourself you stupid bitch,

you’re so unworthy of a man like Felix like actual filth lmao,

You’re an ugly fat whore who will never amount to anything ,

Watch out Felix, she’s only with you for your money”

As Felix read the words aloud it felt as if thousands of knives were being stabbed into my body over and over again, but all I could do was stare at the floor in front of me, and not dare to look at Felix. I didn’t want him to know things were this bad, I tried to shield him from the pain I was feeling because he didn’t deserve to be included in the affliction. My heart hurt but I wasn’t going to let him be included in that agony.

I loved him too much.

“Baby….” I could feel his eyes bore into my figure and at that moment I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Everything that had pent up over the past months finally spilled out into the open atmosphere, and holy shit I was a sopping mess to say the very least. I huddled over as the sobs poured out of my mouth, they were mixed with so much vexation, sorrow, and panic as I didn’t know how to feel. Felix quickly sat next to me and put an arm over my physique, pulling me in closer to his broad frame. My head lay atop his lap while I cried as much as I could. He peacefully stroked my hair with his fingers, and every once in a while layed some soft kisses atop my head.

I leaned my head to fit in the crook of his neck,taking in the scent of his cologne. He held onto me tight, as if he was never going to let me go again.

“Baby, all this time…. why didn’t you tell me?” His voice was almost quivering but I knew he wasn’t going to cry.

“I- I didn’t want to worry you, you had so much to do for the tour and I thought it was dumb an-“ he stopped me.

“(Y/N) it’s not dumb that people are harassing you and making you feel this way. Listen, I love my fans each and every single one of them. However, you have to realize that in every good person there are another 5 evil ones who don’t respect mine or your feelings for one another, and those people are not true fans.”

He brought my face to look at his.

“Listen darling, I love you and if some people can’t respect that then, that’s their problem. Our love is stronger than this and I know we will overcome this hurdle. That’s all it is, these comments don’t matter they’re just people who have no respect or no life to worry about and all they want to do is take that anger and hurt into other people. But holy shit, I just thank god nobody hurt you or physically or came after you….I don’t know what I would do.” Felix kissed my nose and stroked the top of my hand with his very own sending small impulses of electricity up my body. The heat of his body comforted me and I had never felt more love for him than in that very moment. For once I could finally breathe again and smile.

Felix brought a hand to cup my cheek, the palm of his hand felt so reassuring as he brought his soft lips down to mine gently and with such passion. He kissed me as if we had all the time in the world yet it also felt as if it was our last moment together. The world could’ve ended right then and there and I would’ve felt content being in his arms.

I guess I learned it’s not good to hold things in, and now I know if I’m ever feeling sad or hurt that there are people who love me and are willing to listen. And as much as I wanted them to be, my problems were not small especially if they had me feeling the way I did. I don’t have to be alone even in my darkest thoughts or weakest moments.

All I know is Felix lifted a weight off my chest that was too heavy for me to even nudge. And for him I am more than thankful.

“Also those comments are bullshit because if anything darling you’re to good for me princess .”

I smirked at him.

“Oh really now.”

“Yeah but let’s get one thing straight.” I eyed him as he bit his lip, he coyly took the soft skin in between his teeth as his eyes went dark.

“ the only person who can call you a filthy whore is me. Got it?”

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shamelesslyaddict · 4 years

Text

People ask me all the time "why are you so invested in a fictional story? The people arent real, how can you let it make you so emotional?"

Heres why:

When I was a young bisexual, a baby gay if you will, I stumbled upon a show called The New Normal. It followed a gay couple and their quest to become parents. It was the first show I'd ever seen that portrayed gay characters, and while I know there are other shows that did this, this one was special to me because it was my very first. The New Normal didnt make it past its first season because the ratings were crap. Why were the ratings crap? Because the main characters were gay. Then of course, there was Partners and other shows cancelled for the same reason.

I had given up on finding shows with gay main characters (not just side characters for diversity) because I was sure that those shows would get canceled or the characters would get cut. When I started watching Shameless, it wasnt because of their depictions of LGBTQ characters, it was because my boyfriend and I were bored and we needed a new show to binge. I didnt realize that this would change my life and how I view LGBTQ people in media.

The thing about shameless is that they didnt write just one bland gay character. It seemed to me that shows that did depict gay characters depicted one type: rich, flamboyant, in your face gays. Shameless didn't do that.

Shameless wrote a poor, closeted gay teenager, with military dreams, who was having an affair with an older married man. In later seasons, he was a poor, mentally ill gay character. And that meant a lot to me! I have anxiety and depression, and while my depressive episodes are nothing like those of a bipolar person, I still know what its like to be unable to get out of bed.

Shameless wrote an abused, violent, street thug, heavily closeted, self hating, teenaged gay character. And that meant a lot to me too! I wasnt abused; but the portrayal of a different type of gay character instead of the usual snotty rich trope, was eye opening to me as a young gay.

Shameless wrote a "straight" married store owner gay character because life is complicated and things like that happen.

Shameless wrote countless lesbian characters!

Shameless wrote a black bisexual character!

Shameless wrote a transgender character!

And while I didnt like either of these characters personally, it wasnt because of their sexuality, Orientation, or gender. It was because each and every one of Shameless' LGBTQ characters had MORE to their story than just "being gay" or "being trans". Imagine having the ability to dislike an LGBTQ character for more reasons than their preferences/gender identity simply because they were WRITTEN with more traits than just those things. Having the freedom to not enjoy characters out of guilt because they're the only options available was MIND BLOWING.

Ian Gallagher and Mickey Milkovich, among the rest of Shameless' LGBTQ characters, changed my life, because for ONCE I got to see portrayals of characters that had more complexity to them than just their sexuality. Shameless didnt get canceled just because a few characters were gay. Because Shameless added them realistically to the story told in the show, a story about a poor family on the Southside of Chicago. It changed my outlook honestly. A show that wasnt canceled over gay characters. It wasnt canceled period. Wow.

Not to mention, the life Noel and Cameron brought to Ian and Mickey respectively made it all the more enjoyable. In interviews they never talked about the characters in a way that made them different from any other characters they portray. They normalized being straight and playing LGBTQ characters.

Shameless isnt perfect. It never will be. And as a gallavich fan, I dont think Ian and Mickey get nearly enough screentime. I dont think they ever will get enough screentime. But I'm grateful for Shameless, because even though they're not doing enough for their LGBTQ characters right now, for baby gay me, this is more than enough. And I am content. I am content for all of those shows, The New Normal, Partners, all of them.

So when people ask me "how can you be so invested in a fictional love story?" The answer is simple.

Because to me, it's not fictional.

(Not to mention I just love gallavich)

#gallavichthings #television #rant over #rant post #lgbtq #lgbtq pride #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich #debbie gallagher #ned lishman #kash karib #sandy milkovich #the new normal #gallavich

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alwaysabeautifullife · 4 years

Note

If I can ask for a bit of your life experience.. I’m a SAHM of a toddler and currently pregnant with my second. I feel really depressed and lonely. This job is so hard. I dont feel like my own person or even like a regular human being anymore. I’m just scraping by. I’m trying to get a job to get out of the house to help with my depression but it’s not really coming together any time soon. Does it get better? How do I fix this?

Yes it does get better. I work 5 days a week for 16 hours, and the other two days a week 8 hours, and it’s way easier than being a SAHM especially of babies and toddlers.

Even with no history mental health issues, (depression, or pp depression etc), I do believe it’s common that being a STAM can lead to depression as well, or bring forward mental issues that may not have been previously noticed or debilitating. It’s not because being a parent is miserable, but a combo of poor diet, poor sleep, lack of self care (showering, brushing teeth), a combo of total isolation and no privacy, no recreation, rest, nothing but 24/7 mental, physical and emotional work.

Parenting wasn’t really designed to be the way it is now. Most mothers, even with wonderful supportive husbands, are the primary parents, even single parents. Mothers are also no longer part of communities as human beings are supposed to be. We’re supposed to have large families or communities of support, that’s how people are built, that’s how we thrive. That doesn’t exist anymore within our society and that’s something that’s really difficult to rebuild. That’s actually a large part of the reason people are attracted to cults or other dangerous groups, because even a unhealthy harmful and dangerous community is better than isolation.

I know it’s not helpful to say “get out and meet people, make friends, form a group or community,” because navigating the politics of new friends and communities takes energy that mothers of young children don’t have. We lost a lot in giving birth and caring for our children, we forget who we are in the meantime and don’t recognize ourselves in the mirror anymore. We don’t know how to go about showering regularly let alone attempting to find clothes that fit our new bodies so we can go out into the community and try to find new “groups” to squeeze ourselves into when we already do so much squeezing.

Women are naturally self-sacrificial. It’s very easy for us to put ourselves last, and while it’s good for short periods of time it’s very unhealthy to do so long term, or permanently.

You have to view your needs, wants, happiness as you view your child’s. You have to be demanding of your own care, your own well-being, and fight for it as you would fight for your child. You know how you’ll be in the middle of something and think “when was the last time my child had a bath?!” Or “is my child eating healthy enough” or “is my child brushing enough or long enough?” You need to do the same thing for yourself. You have to be relentless and fight for your health and wellness the same you would for your child.

Getting a part time job is nice! You’ll have a reason to leave, and you build your own little world with coworkers or friends outside of your house. I enjoy working tbh.

It does it easier, way easier, and some how we even forget a lot of the struggles from when they were really young along with the good things too. I always tell my kids to take one minute, one hour, one day at a time, and know you’re not alone in your suffering, and it doesn’t go unnoticed.

#sahm #parenting

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patrocool · 4 years

Text

It was early morning in Financial District. Commuters bustled around the siblings as they exited the subway station onto William Street. The pair stopped abruptly in front of the shop just outside of the station, much to the dismay of a woman behind them, who nearly ran into them with a curse.

Sarah Jacobs had worked hard to get to this point. And damn it, she was proud of herself. Sure, it didnt look like a lot right now- a tiny little hole in the wall right next to the entrance to the A and C train that was probably about the size of her bedroom in her tiny Manhattan apartment- but it was hers and she was proud to own the place.

Davey held up the key with a soft smile. "Planning on going in any time soon?" He asked lightly. She grinned as she took the key from his fingers and unlocked the door, stepping in. It was musty, dusty, dirty, and a bit stuffy, but none of that mattered. What mattered was what it was going to look tomorrow, and then the next day, and the day after that.

She clapped her hands together and set down her bag of cleaning supplies. "We've got a lot of work to do, Davey!"

ii.

Davey carefully placed the finishing touches on the flowers in stock, making them look nice in their holders. He stepped back, hands on his hips, and smiled. He turned to watch his sister as she carefully wrote the last few things on her chalkboard behind the counter.

The store looked perfect. Picturesque, to the point where Davey wouldnt be surprised if photographers came in looking for the perfect picture. Sarah set down her chalk and brushed her fingers off on her apron. She turned, nervously brushing stray hairs behind her ears, and straightening her light blue blouse. "Hows it look, David?"

He gave her two thumbs up. "It looks like a hipster's wet dream," he promised her teasingly.

She laughed and threw a rag at him. "You're such an ass, get out of my store with your gross face! You're gonna be late for class."

He snickered and leaned over the counter to grab his bag. "I'll turn on the open sign and unlock the door on my way out. If I dont, you probably never will."

As he left, he saw a young woman hesitating outside, looking curious. He held the door open. "Going in?" He asked.

She shook her head and hurried away down the street. He shrugged and headed to class. Sarah would have customers soon enough.

iii.

After the fourth day of trying to peek in the flower shop to and from class, Katherine Plumber finally gave in and slipped inside. A soft ring of the bell alerted the quiet shop, and she looked around in awe. Exposed brick on one wall, plants in baskets hung from the ceiling, fairy lights strung across the walls. Beautiful displays of potted plants and cut flowers alike. A chalkboard hung behind the counter listed prices and deals and specials, and then the most beautiful woman Katherine had ever laid eyes on came out of the back room, smiling brightly at the sight of a customer.

Dark hair in loose curls that reached her ribs, brown eyes that seemed to sparkle in the light, circle frame glasses perched on her nose. She wore a yellow turtleneck and high waisted mom jeans with scuffed converse, and a well worn apron. On her apron, someone stitched in the name "Sarah" with blue thread.

"Can I help you with anything?" The shopkeeper asked her cheerfully, and Katherine never felt more out of place.

"Just- just looking," she stammered awkwardly. She tugged at the sleeves of her leather jacket, glancing down at the pins and patches adorning it and hoping there wasnt anything that the sweet shopkeeper would take the wrong way. Usually, she didnt care if other people didnt like her opinions, but damn it, the girl was pretty as all get out, and her big ass "punch nazis in the face" patch on her back didnt really fit with the whole soft flower shop vibe.

She bit her lip, looking at the plants and trying not to stare at the girl. She focused on the many different colors of roses instead.

"'Fuck Cops'- now that's a sentiment I can get behind," the girl said, but she was so much closer this time, and Katherine jumped at the sudden noise.

Katherine blinked slowly. "Oh, uh. Yeah," she said, and laughed a little, internally cringing. God, she sounded like an idiot.

She giggled. "Sorry, I'm just excited to see a customer. I havent had a lot so far, I just opened a couple days ago."

"I know," Katherine said quickly, and quickly winced when the girl cocked a brow. "Sorry, no, I meant, I know you opened a couple days ago, I take the A train to school every day, so."

She snorted and nodded. "I see, a bit less creepy when you put it like that," she said teasingly. She held out a hand to shake. "I'm Sarah. Welcome to Newspaper Row Flowers."

"Katherine," she replied, shaking her hand. She smiled a bit. "You know Newspaper Row was actually over on Park Row, right? Next to City Hall?"

Sarah laughed, cheeks pink. "Oh, I know. It's because my great grandmother used to own a flower shop over next to the old Tribune building on Park Row, and that's what she called it. She lost her shop in the Depression though, and died when I was young, and it was my mom's dream to open a flower shop in her honor. She never managed to, and uh. Well, she died too, a couple years ago, so I did it."

Katherine's heart felt like it was melting in her chest. God, how could she already have so much affection for this girl she only just met? "I'm sorry for your loss. But you've really created something wonderful here, and I'm sure they would both be proud."

Sarah beamed, and Katherine would do anything to make her smile like that again.

iv.

"And so Davey's like 'what the fuck', and Les is like 'who is this guy' and Jack is straddling the windowsill, looking at us like he expects my dad to get a gun, and finally, Dad is like 'hes not Catholic, is he?' And poor Davey is like 'no, pa', and for some godforsaken reason, Mom assumes that means hes Jewish. And knowing he doesnt have a family, immediately invites- and by invites, I mean loosely intimidated- Jack to come celebrate all holidays with us. And so now, instead of breaking it to Mom that Jack isnt religious, Davey just let's them believe it. Cause I mean, they're pretty fine with the whole gay thing, but god forbid we be romantically involved with someone who isnt Jewish." Sarah finished explaining with a laugh and roll of her eyes. "So yeah, that's why Jack is here fucking around with a dreidel even though Hanukkah has passed. Hes convinced that theres a secret trick to it that he has to master by next year."

Jack looked up and pouted sourly in her direction. "We all know Davey cant be that good based on luck alone!" He said for the thousandth time.

Katherine laughed, elbows on the counter. Her red curls were pulled back in a ponytail and she had her signature leather jacket on. "Sounds like your family is a real fun bunch. Ironically, my dad is the exact opposite, he doesn't care if I dont marry into a Jewish family, but he very much cares if I marry a girl."

Sarah made a face. "Gross. He sounds like such an ass whenever you talk about him."

Katherine nodded. "Probably because he is," she said very seriously. And then the two erupted into giggles.

"Ew, go get a room," Jack complained.

"You're in my shop, Kelly!"

"Sarah, I need your help with something." Katherine came in looking nervous, an expression Sarah rarely saw on her friend.

"Of course, anything, what do you need?" Sarah said immediately, abandoning the flowers she was making out of newspapers.

Katherine swallowed, pausing. Her fingers fidgeted with the necklace around her neck. "Um. Well. There's uh... there's this girl I really like. And she... she's just amazing, and I want to tell her that I really like her. And she loves flowers, so..."

Sarah smiled and cooed, even though her chest hurt an awful lot. "That's so-" heartbreaking? Disappointing? Sad? "-cute! Flowers are such a good way to express feelings. Do you want to do it through flower language or do you have specific flowers you want to do it with?"

Katherine bit her lip. "Well, I was hoping a bit of both, but I'm not sure what kind of flowers she likes, so I was hoping you'd help with that."

Sarah nodded. "Of course! Let's get to work, hm?"

In the end, the bouquet consisted of red carnations (admiration), gardenias ("you're lovely"), mistletoe ("kiss me"), and white violets ("let's take a chance on happiness"). Sarah very gently wrapped the stems in newspaper and tied it with some twine while Katherine wrote something on a card.

Katherine paid and took the bouquet from Sarah, carefully fixing the card in it. She stayed after the transaction, simply standing there and staring at the flowers in her arms.

"What are you waiting for? Go get your girl!" Sarah chastized with a laugh. She needed Katherine to leave so she could take an early lunch and cry a little.

"You're right," Katherine said. She took in a big breath and let it out slowly before jutting her arms out, offering the bouquet. "Here."

"What?" Sarah asked, eyebrows furrowed. "Did you change your mind or-"

"They're for you," Katherine said, staring at the wall. "Just- read the card?"

Sarah blinked slowly and took the bouquet carefully, and opened the card.

In it was written simply:

"I like you, Sarah. Have since I first came into your shop. And I'd like you even more if you went to dinner with me?"

Sarah very gently put the bouquet down on the counter. And then she kissed Katherine.

A year and a half later, Sarah come home to find a bundle of myrtle at her place on the table. Instead of a string, there was a ring. Myrtle, the Hebrew emblem of marriage.

Katherine cleared her throat, smiling softly. "Your parents will have at least one kid who marries into a Jewish family. If-if you say yes, that is."

Sarah's eyes filled with tears. "How could I not?"

#newsies #newsbians #sarah jacobs #katherine plumber #katherine pulitzer #5 plus 1 #flower language #flower shop au #aesthetics #newsies fanfic

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mgatala · 4 years

Text

random

why? this pandemic got me so stress than id ever thought i could, countless anxiety attacks, nobody knows.

how? this is how the only thing i could ever think to vent things out.

what? maybe things that happened and thoughts that been on m mind lately.

first

when the lock-down lifts up, the first thing that was my concern is my academic status, its not a good time (march) to stop the school, perhaps i didn't even redeem myself for all the quizzes and tests. then, it was suspended that they just have to based our grades to whatever we’ve done, and i know im lacking. then May came, grades are released. Ive got two failing grades, two major grades, i cannot stress enough how depressing this for me, I’m on my fourth year of college and this the first time, Ive failed on a subject. In this time of pandemic, this. I’ve been disappointed with myself, the people around me, and literally lost some support financially, scholarship. i didnt know what to do, i dont want to run to anyone, this is just a burden, i accepted it thinking that I can be better, i know I am. I dont want to think this too often I am shifting my thoughts to more uplifting and postive because my health and my family is okay and that is more than enough.

then,

June came, birth-month. we all thought or hoped that sooner everything will be better but guessed what the government and some people didn't take this pandemic seriously, the cases are getting worst, and more deaths are on the row, still they wanna go out. the quarantine turns to GCQ a little lighter and not that strict protocol but to observe social distancing and wearing face masks and ppe. but still the virus is still here, the employees doesn't have the choice but to get off their asses and attend their offices because apparently they wanted to open for the sake of economy, and being on this country with having a poor public transportation, the people cant focus on social distancing they all can think about is how to get on the train, the jeep and the free ride some good Samaritan offers, they risk their life not because they are stubborn but because its their natural instinct for survival not for themselves but for their families, and to all of my friends that opened their online stores, you know I can only support by liking and sharing it to others, and to all who is also have to battle with mental illness, we all can come through it and choose to move forward.

Salute to all the front liners and to all the person that choose to risk. but to the government that is using this pandemic to abuse their power for their own goodwill, middle finger up folks.

I forgot that I mention its my birth month, well there’s nothing special I do when its my birth-month, but for some reason this month (june), ive come to realize that my family isn't that strong. my parents been living together for the sake of their kids, I don’t have any idea that this would happen to me, I always thought that we were happy and whole. and im very thankful that we were, my papa tell me things that happened in the past that he cant seem to let go, and i cant do anything about that. he already closed his mind, and decided that he’s done with everything they been through. The house doesn't feel like home, we are all here but the strings that i thought were there was long gone. Maybe that’s why i never really see the love that I’ve wanted to feel. there were no role models, they were neglecting each other and always tell tat they didn't really love each other, before it thought they were so in denial but now, its all a missing puzzle pieces to my questions when I was a child, I am grateful that they raise us, as a good person (I wanted to think so), they were a good individuals, very humbled and a God’s follower. but ive know this before that this is just them being a decent parents. I am still healing from this, trying to ignore the words that is murmuring inside my head, after this incident im having nightmares from my childhood, repetitively. but im moving forward.

lastly, now that I’ve finally committed to someone, knowing my love language was physical touch and quality time, I AM STRUGGLING. at first phase of this pandemic, we’ve encountered a lot of misunderstanding, I cried a lot cause i felt like I am not held right. this long distance is my nightmare, fairly even before on my past potential lovers. in all fairness to my partner, he tries to understand where all my fusses are coming from, that i am just missing him and being together was all I can think about. I was frustrated, for him to understand me i really say things what I feel. sometimes also, when i felt like saying ‘i miss you’ and haven’t been able to prove myself is holding me back to say it. like i wouldn’t say things that i cant do and proved. and on his side that I think was his love language is words of affirmation, perhaps I also frustrates him. I wouldn’t say a thing if I felt like not doing so, I wouldn’t reach out if i thought it just doesn’t make sense to say things, but for him that’s everything, he can again function to hear things from me, but me, I don’t know where to get the will to think is this gonna work out, will I let myself be my old self again, that run from things that I cant seem to fathom, from things I don’t see working, I wouldn’t force, i wouldn’t risk. but that was before, before i love with so much reservations and too much focused on myself. I tried to contemplate, is this my partner also wants, does he deserve that ive been treating him very oddly, is he not trying. and all my questions were he just keeps proving himself that I was just overthinking things, I shouldn’t worry, this all just a phase and everything will work out. he never failed to remind me that he is willing and deserve all the love I can give, even when sometimes im hard to love. And i also see that even we cant see other for now, his strong presence when im on my downtimes he’s there, always. trying to crack a joke (corny), lifts me up with his words, and listen to me when all he can hear was me sobbing and complaining why life is like this. There is just too many green flags for me to ignore it, and embrace that someone is willing to understand me, and love me unconditionally. When im having my episodes he knows what to say, he always have the right words for everything. “just have a little faith” as he would say, and i would calm as if i was wrapped in his arms, stroking my back, and me knowing, Ive got some good thing right here. I wish right now he was sending me home, we’re having our casual story time, laughing and getting him mad but still can bear me. but right now his health is still my first concern, see u soonest xx

#random #thoughts #pandemic

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