#i still don't know if that's true

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail'' #ah tumblr... #writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" ..... #no.... not really..... #idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing... #this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey. #idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me. #i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

[iloveyouitisruiningmylife]

.

#my dad is so fucking #frustrating i fucking hate him so much #why can't he just stick to one thing? if you've decided to be an asshole then be a goddamn asshole #why these random bursts of affection and caring I HATE IT it hurts me more than you scolding me #because your love is so fucking conditional and fickle and i never know what to do to keep receiving it #and it makes me question everything about myself my thoughts my relationships whether if im actually ever right when im mad at people #it makes me think oh maybe it was me i understoof them wrong i can never fuckinh trust my judgement #like feeling unloved is all MY fault i am the one who can never get enough #i still don't know if that's true #broken three different relationships and I still don't know this about myself everytime i was like i don't feel like you love me and they #were like what no ofcourse i do but if you can't see it then fine fuck off i give up #he said he is concerned about my weight because he's scared i might get some diseases like thyroid (bc mum has it) or pcod or something??? #like dude why tf did u not just say that pehle 😭😭😭😭 i spent like 5 days feeling miserable not eating properly because i thought you #hated my appearance all my fragile self esteem it's all broken now i can't eat dinner without thinking about you saying don't you dare have #dinner if you feel hungry just drink water #and the worst part is i can't even skip dinner because it gives me a horrible headache the next morning and then i can't study and work #which btw YOU can absolutely not tolerate i gave up on being happy for your dreams im just trying to make you proud and happiness feels #like a far fetched dream now but i keep going everyday because im so close to the finish line and maybe if i do this you would finally be #happy with me love me #i told him that my first loan file got sanctioned today and he was so fucking happy so proud so soft like eat the dragonfruit i brought for #you okay it's so tasty and take care of yourself celebrate this little win you've worked hard #like just. please. don't confuse me you saying shit like this made me sob so much harder than all your angry words

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

going through my old journals as part of therapy homework and i'm reading a section written in the emotional wreckage of a full-on breakdown when i get hit with this line:

There is never a satisfying answer to ‘Why didn’t they love me?’

like wow babe. good fucking point

#like you were on the ground biting the carpet and dry sobbing while you wrote that and still. good fucking point #not a shitpost #cptsd #and it's true. there's never a satisfying answer #the truth is i know why i wasn't loved #i analyzed my parent's traumas and abuse to death. i understand why i alienated and was alienated from my siblings #i know why my mom was too overwhelmed to be capable of nurturing #i know why my dad vanished into addiction and avoidance #the details of our cycles of trauma and cptsd and family history i have a phd in all of it #i understood perfectly. i spent years studying and now i knew the answer #and guess what? IT WAS NOT SATISFYING!!! #because they still didn't love me! and i still couldn't change that! #it was still a completely unsatisfying state of affairs! #so like. when the people who are supposed to love you...don't. #when the people who are supposed to take care of you...fail to #you can look for answers and reasons and explanations #but that's not actually going to FIX your situation. #and it's probably not within your ability TO fix the situation. (and definitely not your job) #because you don't need answers--you need a new situation #*inserts Just Walk Out. You Can Leave!!! (Running Skeleton) Meme* #and yes. walking out isn't always possible. #but for you i hope it will be one day soon. and i hope you build the courage to take that leap. #stepping away from the people who failed to love you...it feels like being untethered but also like being lighter than air #new and scary. immensely relieving. the future opens up. empty but empty like a canvas. blindingly bright until your eyes adjust #like climbing out of a pit you called home and for the first time realizing how bright the light of day can truly be #when you aren't just getting glimpses from the bottom of a hole

[demaparbat-hp]

Little Zuzu for an incoming project 🔥

#atla #avatar the last airbender #zuko #atla zuko #zutara #avatar #prince zuko #zuko fanart #atla fanart #atla art #zuko art #I'm... kinda new here so I don't know the tags #Anyways you guessed it (it's a comic) #You may blame our only true God Hozier for making me do this #I never asked for the perfect Zuko song and yet I still received Arsonist's Lullaby #Amazing #Anyways he's literally the love of my life #Best. Character. Ever. #And I know I say this about... pretty much all my favorite characters but I MEAN IT this time #Also look at the pretty fire 🔥 #I've got a page that's literally just Dragon Fire so... I guess this was practice for Ran and Shaw????? #Gotta draw Zuzu here firebending in colors

[canisalbus]

Real fan art is coming one day, but for now I really wanted to see if it was feasible to simplify their gradients into something that would fit a simple style like Bluey’s 😅

.

#aaaaaaaaaAAA #they're so precious I can't ;m; #I still haven't watched Bluey so I can't really comment on show accuracy but to me these look spot on #if you ask me the gradients work really well #if you look at them and unfocus your eyes they look like their normal markings #Vasco might benefit from having one more band between the base yellow and the lighter brown but that's totally optional and might take away #from the simplicity of his design #their colors are so true to the way I color them which is both cool and kind of uncanny #like Machete's pink details which in reality are very peachy almost closer to light orange than true pink #and their colored linearts which use the same colors I use for my colored linearts #I don't know I thought that was really cool attention to detail #they're adorable #thank you! #gift art #apupcalyptic #own characters #Machete #Vasco #their lives would be a lot less stressful in bluey universe I reckon

[biracy]

In general quite fascinating how "boys who liked bionicle are girls now" is called "gender essentialism" by like Radqueer Terfs DNI posters but "the thread of Girlhood Uterus Vulva Trauma connects all (cis) butches and trans men, so that's why I can reblog photos of trans men to my men dni blog in my #dyke tag" isn't. Lmao

#i say as a dykething obviously. it's still uncomfortable #honestly why i don't do the Boydyke thing despite that technically being true. also bc bisexuals aren't allowed to be boydykes #open mick night #lgbt #gender #transphobia cw #transmisogyny cw #<- as that is why the former is considered Gender Essentialism. i know this don't worry

[coolsvilleprincess]

Cleaned up some sketches cause I need to post and also I miss them terribly 13 ghosts come home pleaseeeeee!!!

There were Shaphne ones too but they took up their own page so I'll clean them up later.

#my art #scooby doo #daphne blake #shaggy rogers #scooby doo fanart #flim flam #scrappy doo #vincent van ghoul #the 13 ghosts of scooby doo #scooby doo and the curse of the 13th ghost #posting these before bed so if I spell anything badly its because im sleepy #defaulted to my vincent design for a fancomic I was gonna do and still might idk i havent decided yet who knows #Daphne's outfits in 13 ghosts are so good I may have to draw them all #Scooby being the hardest to draw continues to hold true I NEED to do studies soon I need to be able to draw him accurately #I literally miss 13 ghosts so bad you don't get it #All I do is yap in these tags I'm so sorry I really should just start posting posts but I always forget #scoodles

[ryllen]

#mtas #my time at sandrock #mtas wei #mtas builder #fanart #i found my true love target ; v ; #the smiling type is the ones that truly snatch my heart #they bring me the utmost joy #as much ironic it is unsuur makes me unsure of the rest of the stage after confession #i just thought i marry him in case the builder parents come and there would be some kind of scene over it like in portia #till the very last minute my heart was somehow still half in about it #tho in the game unsuur is read very close as 'unsure' i actually pronounce it differently bcs it's close to something in my language #unsur : means element; i thought that's nice bcs it feels closely to rock related thing #https://translate.google.com/?sl=id&tl=en&text=unsur&op=translate #if anyone even interest the slightest on how it sounds when pronounced by me here's the google translate link #but yea i'm dying that it is literally being pronounced 'unsure' #pls help him he just needs to be given a chance to command so he can learn to do independent thinking from experience #like yeah probably there would be lots of mistake at first #but u're like a mom justice who decides everything for the child so when u ask the child they just be like don't know ask mom fshdshd #he needs to be put out there #or had that been done justice if so i am sorry ; v ; #but seriously i'm dying when i kept adventuring with justice and logan and unsuur was just told to wait like a puppy fhsdh #he needs to be taught how to decide things by himself seriously #it's honestly hard to write unsuur's character #like no matter how u tried somehow it doesn't feel as close as funny or as serious deadpan like the original #wei here is like a piece of white paper i can scribble whatever i want #it's unexpected #but i ended up liking wei

[fortunatefires]

You know how whenever Percy is near Ares he gets irrationally mad? So the line in the show where Ares looks at Annabeth and says "There's no fear in you." I have a theory that Ares has the power to turn fear into anger. It makes perfect sense for a war god to have that power and Percy has been through so many near death experiences that he has just been in survival mode for years unable to actually sit down and process his emotions. So for him, the fear in him is so constant and absolutely repressed that when that fear is turned into anger it seems to come out of nowhere.

#My proof is that I want it to be true #And that even in heroes of olympus without actually knowing ares he still gets instinctually pissed #That is an internal thing going on there #Tell me it doesn't make sense #But also don't because i like my lil theory #Percy jackson #percy jackon and the olympians #percy series #pjo tv show #Pjo #Ares #heroes of olympus #Theory #fan theory #Text #Text post #pjo series #annabeth chase

[genericpuff]

vent post

#and before anyone who hates my shit says “yeah because you ARE a loser way to have self awareness for once” #i promise you this would be me with or without the LO fandom LMAO #anxiety is a hell of a thing #and as much as i internally guilt myself into thinking it would be better if i just shut up and hid away forever #i also know that's the trauma speaking because the adults around me always told me to shut up #and even as an adult i still encounter people who talk over me and make me feel like i'm not allowed to be outspoken #but the pen is mightier than the sword and all those years i've spent being spoken over i've been honing my penmanship #i have fun talking about the things i talk about and i don't have any less right than anyone else to do it #i am cringe and i am free #self post #vent post #altho on another note i do wanna make time this week to go find new series to read #too many of my favorites have turned to shit and it's taken its toll #i KNOW there are better comics out there that are genuinely well made #i already have a few that i'm reading that i love but i need to balance out the good with the bad more lol #i just need to take the time to go find good stuff instead of pouring so much of my attention into the bullshit that doesn't deserve my tim #i think both things can be true #i can have a lot of fun dissecting and writing about series i don't like #while also nourishing myself with good works that restore my faith in this medium #“perfectly balanced as all things should be”

[babisawyer]

Ben coming back to the cabin to see yet another cannibalistic ritual

#🐇 #yellowjackets #again with the cannibalistic blue balls I see how you guys are playing the game at least I know it's gonna happen #poor javi it should have been travis let's be real he provides nothing #loved the misty on mari violence also #and we were all right about jackie's necklace! our girl's keeping the group together even still #also I know I'm literally the only one on the jackie antler queen train and while I don't think it's true rather than just funsies #it's making me wonder if this is more of a fae situation going on? it's been a looooooong time since I read about all of this stuff but now #after jackie's death and the baby's death and what happened to Ben this week it's kinda making me suspicious #like is the antler queen supposed to represent the unseelie queen? is it the unseelie queen? idk I'll have to look into this to see if it #fits. I'm leaning more towards that now than wendigo psychosis #also hilarious because I did say that portals was insanely jackie coded so we're coming full circle #also I've said I'm suspicious of walter but how the fuck is that dude so rich?? I'm onto his ass he is not to be trusted

[pearlynia]

Conversation I had with my brother but as marauders era:

Regulus: ...did you eat all the chips!? I told you to leave me some!

Sirius: I did leave you some!

Regulus: 4 FUCKING PIECES!?

Sirius: YEAH!? HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO KNOW?

Regulus: HALF, SIRIUS. I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME HALF.

Sirius: NO YOU DIDN'T!

Regulus: YES I DID YOU DEAF IDIOT!

#based on true story #i don't think i told him to leave me half #but still he should know better #sorry if my grammar is bad #sirius black #regulus black #the black brothers #marauders #remus lupin #james potter #jegulus #wolfstar #ao3

[sergle]

screams... tell me why I just spent an hour looking at the Ned Alleged Cheating Scandal tweets

#I'M NOSY OH GOD i really like knowing everything abt this type of thing #I still actually watch the try guys so this is INSANE i'm gonna shit my pants. he was my least favorite anyway #but I am PISSING #sergle.txt #it's alleged so ehhHHHH but. i will say. the My Wife thing does come off as performative to me #and that's gonna be true whether or not this is real. but cmon... don't make your relationship your brand #bc the ebbs and flows in a relationship happen and you still have to My Wife it up for the camera. and it's all fake #if KEITH cheated though I'd kill myself

[schumiatspa]

If he said outright "I'm a big fan of Jannik" his sponsors and Juanki would have a stroke, so he knows he has to settle for Carota Boys

#tbf i still don't know if he loves the concept of the carota boys #if he hates it because he is jealous #or if he likes it but he is kinda offended that they atill haven't offered a carota position with them #anyway PEOPLE SEEING THE SHIRT AND SAYING THAT HE IS A CAROTA BOY SO TRUE HE IS A CAROTA BOY IN THE SPIRIT #carlos alcaraz #sincaraz #australian open 2024 #tennis

[dazais-guardian-angel]

Chapter 110 is 13 pages long welcome to hell!!! so in a lot of ways this is just more fuel for a theory that I've had for a few weeks now, that's only gotten stronger with each recent season 5 episode, which is that the last episode of the season is gonna end on 110, and that Asagiri/Harukawa and Bones have been collaborating to make this happen, specifically because it's a major turning point that would be the only good place to end the season on.

When we started getting especially long chapters again (like from 25-35ish pages, with the exception of 107.5, the last two being some of the longest we've ever had), at first I just assumed that Asagiri/Harukawa got freed up from some other obligations they'd been having to cause the extremely short/half chapters, like promotional stuff for the anime/Beast movie, or working on light novels. But then 109 happened, with the "supposed" death of Dazai, and heavy emphasis at the end on how literally everyone is at their lowest point right now, and I got to thinking. 11 episodes is a strangely specific number for an anime season -- why not 12, or 13, or even 10, like you'd usually see? Why have we gotten suddenly gotten two 35 page chapters out of nowhere, that's almost unheard of at this point? They're both beautiful chapters, don't get me wrong (as always), and maybe A/H simply just didn't want to cut them in halves because they felt like the full emotional impact wouldn't hit/that there were no good cutoff points in them, but you can't deny that it's surprising, after all the shorter chapters we've been getting. Why has the anime been going at such insanely breakneck pacing for the most part ever since around the Sunday Tragedy chapters, even more so than it has in the past? So much so that it feels dangerously close to overtaking the manga?

Well, maybe, just maybe, it's because..... Asagiri decided a long time ago that whatever happens in 110 is the only point that feels "season finale"-worthy enough, in an arc that still isn't anywhere close to being completely wrapped up, and so both the manga and the anime have been specifically coordinated to reach that part within 2 and a half weeks of each other?

I've seen a lot of people now think season 5 will end with 109, and as much as my sadistic side would find that hilarious, I honestly don't think they'd do that and realistically don't want it to happen; it'd be so cruel to cliffhanger the anime for years like that, and just doesn't feel like a season cliffhanger BSD would do, a series that is ultimately hopeful and uplifting. Seasons 2 and 3 had a positive, conclusive ending; the only reasons seasons 1 and 4 didn't was because they're technically not really full seasons of their own, and are more like the first cour of another "season" that also came out that same year (seasons 1 and 2 both aired in 2016, so they're more like one big season, and seasons 4 and 5 have both aired this year, so they're also more like one big season, again taking into account how episodes 12 and 50 are not satisfying finales like episodes 24, 37, and hypothetically, 61, are). I really can't see season 5 ending with Dazai and Fukuzawa's supposed deaths, Sigma being unconscious and maybe close to death, Atsushi being vulnerable and limbless again, everyone we love still vampires, and the entire world being basically doomed; that's just too depressing and not like BSD at all. However, having said that, if it doesn't end there, there really isn't any good place to end the season before that, either, that feels in any way satisfying or like a finale at all. And so, to me, that only leaves after 109: chapter 110.

I think things are really gonna turn around next chapter. Like I said, everyone is at their lowest point right now, it cannot possibly get any worse, the framing of Dazai, Fukuzawa, and sskk at the end of 109 is telling us that; this is the time for the heroes to finally start winning again, with Aya being so close to pulling out the sword, and for all the thematic reasons other people have talked about to death that I don't need to go into here again. This upcoming chapter being so short again makes a part of me wary of 110 being "the one", so to speak, I won't lie, but at the same time, it's very possible that it needs to be that short because that's all the final episode of the season will be able to reasonably fit in, since it's already gonna be VERY close if they do make it all the way to 109. And at the end of the day, I don't doubt at all that Asagiri and Harukawa can make these the most monumental and game-changing mere 13 pages ever if they wanted to; a chapter does not at all need to be extremely long in order to be an important and impactful one, even if short ones we've gotten in the past haven't felt the most important.

An additional thought I've had, though this is much more crack territory than all this already is, is that since we know from Anime Expo that a Stormbringer movie at some point is highly likely (judging from Asagiri's reaction when someone brought it up), it's possible that chapter 110 and thus the final episode will involve the long-anticipated return of Verlaine and/or Adam, or at least some other major reference to Stormbringer, that would naturally and smoothly lead into a Stormbringer movie to explain things to people who haven't read the novel. It would make a lot of sense, especially since the s4 OP has the Old World sign behind Chuuya, which might be a hint that this has been in the works ever since seasons 4/5 were first in planning with Asagiri. We also know that Dazai and Chuuya's voice actors apparently struggled to record their lines together this season, which probably relates to 101 and possibly 109, but it could be 110 too.... I could be very wrong, as I'm no expert on this kind of thing, but I kinda doubt they would bring Chuuya's actor in for just the vampire growls, and Asagiri placing heavy emphasis on Chuuya's importance this season in that one interview gives me the impression that he's talking about much more than just 101/109. But that's the least solid evidence I have, that's just mostly based on vibes I get.

So basically, I think a lot of factors -- the unusual episode count, how close the anime is to catching up to the manga with three whole episodes left, the seemingly arbitrary recent chapter lengths, and the climactic events of 109 -- can tell us that 110 might be a very, VERY big deal. Again, there's of course no way this arc is anywhere near close to being finished, with so much left to address and resolve, but since it is currently incomplete in the manga, unlike the previously adapted arcs, if the anime was going to adapt it at all, they'd have to find a place that feels satisfying enough to end this season, knowing there won't be more anime for a long time after this, and so I think they specifically planned for that, from both Bones' and A/H's sides. 10 episodes might not have been enough to reach that point, but 12 or 13 might have been too many it wouldn't have been if Bones actually decided to slow down and let the story breathe the way it needs to, but this post isn't meant to criticize the anime, so maybe 11 was just right. And maybe Asagiri and Harukawa specifically pushed to make recent chapters longer than usual, in order to make sure that the manga reached the story content in 110 the monthly release right before season 5 was to end.

Is this just copium? Absolutely. Am I going to look like an absolute clown in two days when this post ages like milk? Probably. But the evidence is There, so let me just enjoy my delusions until Sunday, okay 🥂🫡

#bungou stray dogs #seriously call me a clown and point and laugh at me if I'm proven wrong all you want #but I really feel like there's solid evidence for this #either s5 isn't gonna reach 109 at all (but I seriously cannot fathom where you would want to stop before then) or they'll go beyond it #if they really do end it with 109....... well i'll give Bones kudos for having the balls to do that ig lol #maybe i'm underestimating (overestimating???) them idk #also just to clarify I don't wanna make it sound like I think Asagiri let the anime/Bones dictate the manga's pacing #like I'm sure these were his/their (him and Harukawa's) own decisions first and foremost #not that (if this theory is true) the anime had a major impact on how the chapters were split and that it- #-would have been extremely different otherwise #i'm pretty confident in that Asagiri does not do anything with BSD he isn't comfortable with #and he doesn't let anyone tell him how to write his story #I just feel like he worked with Bones to make this near-simultaneous release happen #BUT if this is the case I don't feel like it had any major effect on the writing/final product that is the manga #like the last handful of chapters have been so incredible #so I at least am still perfectly happy lol #(i mean i'm devastated and a nervous wreck but u know 🫡 in a good way lmao) #anyway 110 in two days please let this theory be true because I need some fucking hope already #please let Oda show up as Dazai's guardian angel to help (see what I did there-) #it would be the perfect way to end the collective season that is 4/5 with s4 beginning with Oda and now ending with Oda #Asagiri are you reading me are you picking up what I'm putting down please please a ghost Oda is long overdue please- #Oda Verlaine Adam just GIVE ME SOMEONE ALREADY 😭😭😭 #MAYBE EVEN A TASTE OF THE FYODOR BACKSTORY TO TIE INTO HIM BEING IN ANIME UNTOLD ORIGINS. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS

[chomesuke]

it's te pūtake o te riri today, the national day of commemoration for the nz wars

#i didn't even know te pūtake o te riri existed... #i wonder if it's talked abt less here in the south #amyway it's still the right day and since I've discovered this it feels right to share these links #and also it's true that i don't know much abt the nz wars. I've heard that even ppl who finish hs having taken history don't... #*anyway #i should probably tag? i guess? #new zealand #te pūtake o te riri #nz politics #nz history #aotearoa