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nosferatyou · 4 years

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If I Can Be So Bold: Chapter 4 (Jack White x OC)

Summary: A time line of Lee’s life after a certain event. Chock full of hardships, odd music choices, and the FBI watchlist. Overall an incredibly important chapter.

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: Alcohol abuse, cursing, frank iero

NOTES: Fuck. Its been a while hasnt it? schools a bitch. anyways i thought this was the best way to move the story along. Besides the early days werent really important. well it was, but it was th lead up. Still I think this is pretty damn good. Took me for fuckin ever. I hope you enjoy!

I think I could’ve saved myself from more heartbreak if I just stopped fucking the man that was slowly breaking me, sparing me from the years of emptiness I just floated through. We could’ve only been friends and ended it at that, but I fell in love with him.

It took me a year to realize id made the biggest mistake of my life. He was my mistake. I saw all this like I did relish every moment we had together, like every time he kissed me, I felt my chest grow warm. I never had a bad moment with him. When we fucked it was just me and him, which is so incredibly cheesy, but when you’re that intoxicated by the touch of another, its all you can think about. Nothing else existed. Bad breakups, a growing rift in old friends, the unpaid bills sitting on your counter. The truth. It genuinely was witchcraft on his end. I think the songs he wrote when we were together were actually just love spells.

This went on for a year. I waited for him and meg when they went to the meeting that landed them their first studio album. Hell, I even taught him slide and played on their track “Suzy Lee.” Looking back at that moment always makes me laugh, the irony of it all, how I shielded myself from any truths. I think I realized I loved him when I opened my apartment door to see him with freshly cut hair. The sides shaved, the red just as wild as always but dyed a firetruck red. To this day, its the worst haircut I’ve ever seen someone get, and that day I died with laughter. He was always so confident in his looks, but that day he was in a panic. I had to console him and try to convince him it wasn’t that bad.

“Rosie, it looks like someone glued fake fur to the top of my head.”

The both of us sat cross-legged across from each other on the bed, trying to assess the damage. He couldn’t stop fidgeting. Fixing any loose hairs, which was the entirety of his hair. I scooted forward and played with it, trying to find any feasible angles.

“Jacky, it’s not that bad, it looks quite handsome from this angle.” I pretended to style it. There was no fixing it, but I could boost his ego to last until it grew back.

He grabbed the hand mirror sitting next to him and tried every angle. Worry had found its way into

every part of his face.

“Mmm well, I guess it’s not as bad as I thought,” He couldn’t stop touching it. “Thanks, Rosie.” He smiled at me the same way he always did, lips pulled tight, making his face scrunch up with those warm eyes.

I still looked at him and saw the most handsome man, even with that ridiculous haircut.

It never took much to convince him of something or to do something for that matter. If you put any liquid in his hand he’d drink it, I think I watched him drink hand sanitizer on a dare made by Ben. I never convinced him to go on a date with me, though. We always spent our time alone together, holed up in my room. Though back then, I always considered our late-night solo show adventures a good filler. He never noticed how happy they made me. That should’ve been a red flag, but they always just look like flags in rose-colored glasses. I seemed to be an expert at collecting red flags. I convinced myself for years that my time with my ex back in Nashville was normal.

Harriet pulled my head out of ass, though, and brought me here. To more red flags. It’s funny how completely opposite the two of them are. Jack and John (John and John if you want to get technical). John, at first, took me everywhere. He knew everyone and could get in anywhere. He showed me off and always made it clear who he was with. Once he had me fully wrapped around his finger, and we were living together, it switched. I wasn’t allowed to go out, not without his permission. I couldn’t talk to anyone except my bandmates, that was limited too. He held my playing shows above my head. If I was “good,” I could play under his supervision. I mean, he managed our band, he always knew our every move. It’s easy to misconstrue love, confuse what possession is. I was his pet, his thing to show off and shove in a closet until he needed me again. It took years to notice that it wasn’t okay.

The beginning is always just so intoxicating.

Jack just had this air to him, that same confidence as john. He knew he was talented and certainly knew he was good looking. The difference is Jack is humble. He could barely take a complaint from me, and as he grew, he didn’t know how to handle the attention. He didn’t lavish in it as John had, as short-lived as his attention was. Jack and I hid away, our confessions of our true feelings hiding on lyric sheets feet away from the other. That made my want stronger, I never felt I could have him, but we were so close it almost felt like I could have him. Its that moment, though, when you stare at each other with such love and warmth, faces growing so close you could feel their body heat. Your so close you can almost taste it, and that’s the moment he leaves. We didn’t cuddle. We weren’t affectionate. It was his choice. He left after tender moments, he left before breakfast, and he left before we finished the last verse of our song. We never were anything, and we never got anywhere. Me being me, it never was a thought in my mind. My judgment was clouded every time he looked at me with those eyes that pulled me in the first time.

While we grew closer, nothing ever changed, he came over, we fucked, and then wrote together. Sharing the same Camel pack every time. I never thought he shared my feelings for him. He never showed it. He was as open as he was closed. He only let you see what he wanted. That was until me, and the girls were all hanging around during a White Stripes practice. Which was quite common. We all watched each other play, testers for anything new that we cooked up. Meg was weirdly good at knowing what riffs people would like. She always was smarter than any of us would ever be.

That day Jack introduced a new song. It wasn’t entirely new to me. I taught him the parts, I always played the solos. He never quite got it back then. I was overjoyed to finally hear it. None of the girls were too focused on them. They always got stupid high. Jack and Meg’s landlord didn’t quite care if they smoked, not that ever did, though. It was a slower song, and a lot of work was put into it. Knowing him, the lyrics always had just as much care.

He refused to meet my eyes. He didn’t look at me once. His eyes quickly flipping between the wall behind me and his guitar. It was very, obviously intentional. He was a storyteller, he always did it so carefully in songs, hiding the message. This seemed incredibly open. Too obvious. He was hesitant. It wasn’t until the “Chorus” (it could barely be called a chorus) that he started to get a bit more confident. It was apparent he had a lot to say.

Miss Suzy lee

The one I'm speaking of

The question is

Is she the one I love?

That made my ears perk up, my eyes locked onto the floor. Why was I afraid to look at him?

Maybe I was thinking about it too much. My hope tends to get the best of me. Still, this pit in my stomach was growing with each note he played.

She sent me flowers

The name of an incredibly sappy song I showed him

With her tears burned inside

Again it was embarrassingly open

And you know what I'd do?

I would run and hide.

Fuck. I think my imagination and reality were clashing. I might actually have finally snapped and lost it.

And the paper

On it was my name

Okay, I definitely did hide the unofficial nickname I made for him. I didn't use it often. I called him “Tree” when I was annoyed with him.

With the question

Do you feel the same?

I knew. I knew he didn’t notice my intentions that day, though he should’ve won an oscar for his acting. He pretended like he didn’t notice.

I think I’m going to legitimately throw up on their ratty couch. I’m going to throw up, and it’s his fault. Jesus, I’m overreacting to a song that’s probably not about me. Fuck I need this to be over so I can breathe. Maybe look up from this thrifted carpet.

Again his words make my head snap up. This time I met his eyes.

To end this tale

The one I'm speaking of

I wish I had an answer, but I just don't know

Is this really love?

I left the room as fast as possible after he said love. I didn’t think I could stomach it. Fuck. Shit. Jesus Christ, retribution may be in my future.

Everything changed after that. I couldn’t look at him, I avoided him, the hope would kill me. It was killing me. I’ve always gotten too excited over people, too attached, and whenever this moment came, I spiraled. I had longed for his love for so long, and the idea of getting it overwhelmed me, being around him overwhelmed me. I avoided him, said I was busy every time he asked to hang out. I didn’t even bother to hide that I was making excuses. It took him a week to stop taking my bullshit. Jack was incredibly blunt. He wasn’t one to beat around the bush. One night he knocked on our door, and someone other than me answered, and they sent him my way. I didn’t tell the girls my feelings. I was too afraid to say it out loud. I didn’t want to be in love again. I loathed it. I wanted to be the person who could be fuck buddies and be fine with it, but I fall too hard. Every fucking time. It’s inescapable.

My dad always said I loved harder than others and should hold onto it, but it only hurt me.

That night fucked everything up. He didn’t look at me. If he did, it wasn’t for long. For the first time, he looked cowardly. He stormed into my room. I could hear his very distinguishable and heavy footsteps coming up the stairs. My heart pounded into my throat with every footstep. He didn’t knock. He always knocked. His hair had grown out, it lost its curl, but it hung in his face just as it always did. He didn’t look smug. He didn’t have his bubble of confidence. He was meek. He was small. I remember his hands flying to his pockets. He did that when he was nervous.

As I said before, he doesn’t beat around the bush. I wish he did that day. Spared my heartbreak for a few minutes.

“Lee, I can’t love you.”

Those fucking words. They rang through my mind for years. Every time I saw him in the news, saw his face in magazines in passing at grocery stores. It felt like id been ripped in half, I was speechless, I physically could not form words. That feeling happened every once in a while when I reminded. Overtime I numbed to it.

`He was married. Can you believe that? I was the mistress and with my best friend’s husband. The moment he pulled his hand out to scratch his face, I saw it. The wedding band that was never there before. I think he wore to mess with me, one last laugh. He knew this would be the end of us ever seeing each other, working together.

He said he kept it off during shows for the brother-sister act, and just took it off before seeing me. Jack was never a coward, but it took him a year to tell him he was married. I hung out with them daily, I watched their dog when they toured, and I never noticed once. He was fucking married. The real kicker is that the girls knew too and didn’t tell me earlier. They let me live on with my sins. I felt so dirty. He just kept talking that day. He didn’t stop. Nervously rambled on, and he never did that. He was quiet. He opened his mouth to say something that’ll either make you cry laughing or make your heart swell. He was whip-smart and knew when to speak. I just let him go until he ran out of steam, tears quietly slipping down my cheeks. Still, stone-faced. The moment he stopped, I just silently showed him out and softly shut the door behind him.

That night, I about committed arson, okay I didn’t, but I sure wanted to. At first, I cried. And cried,… and cried. It was a mess. Soon that turned to me having a small existential crisis and dumping everything on the cashier at the liquor store who definitely knew the others, and was incredibly uncomfortable. We went there a lot. As soon as the alcohol had been bought, it was gone. I spent the night binge drinking and wrecking everything in my room. I ripped up my journals for songs, I set a small fire to my sketches of him, and I very furiously tried to wash the smell of him out of my sheets. I also punched a hole in my wall, which I kept a secret until the girls moved out. The next day I switched to Marlboros, the smell of camels gives me that same gut punch. It was his brand.

I said some not great things to the girls. I blamed them for my downfall for not telling me. I made them my excuse. I shortly left the band. We had tried to do a show, but I was so drunk I couldn’t remember most of the songs. I was also told I was lost my pants at some point.

I moved out of the house and lost all ties to them. I cut all ties to jack. I couldn’t go home, though. I burned too many bridges with my family and friends, a bad habit I seemed to have. I still played shows.

The good thing to come out of my rage and fall into substance abuse was my music. I went through some phases. I was playing my standard stuff for a while, just with a bit more... Anger? Then some months later, in ‘99, the stripe’s first album came out. Of course, I fucking bought it. I kept all their records. I couldn’t let go for some reason. I listened to it on repeat. I was so outraged that it was good. I heard myself in their songs, saw my name in the liner notes, I heard myself in his lyrics. I was obsessed; it was great. For two years, I fought and scratched to get some kind of record deal. I got a two-album deal. I toured nonstop, played with some damn good musicians, though I never was happy.

I lived a life of driving and playing. Most of the time, I had no fucking clue what state I was in. In New Jersey around 2003, I’d made some friends and played with them for a bit, fucking around in their basement. I lived there for a bit. I couldn’t stomach Detroit. I stayed consistently drunk from that night in ‘98 until 2004 when I received a friend’s call, showing me where I was headed.

We talked through it, and both decided to get sober. We both were sick. They sparked something musical in me, though. I started to get heavier, I played punk, I put my aggression entirely into my music. I produced my own stuff then, scraping what I could together. I made that record and went back to Detroit. As painful as it was, I couldn’t go back to Nashville, so I was stuck here. I mostly just fucked around, still living pretty much like a hermit, making music in my basement. When the Elephant came out, I couldn’t avoid hearing The White Stripes. They were an international success. I still collected all their records and listened to them extensively. As time went on, my existence in his lyrics disappeared. As for him, it did for me, I’d given up. It was dumb to be upset over it all these years later, still, thinking of him hurt so much. I was restless. I was bored. I wanted to be back out on the road again.

While I was usually blackout drunk every day, I still loved it. Playing something new somewhere new every day. That’s when my friend frank from my New Jersey days called me up in ‘07 to join his new band. I think he was just as fed up and restless as I was. We played “hardcore punk.” though that's debatable. We were sick of shit and needed to yell about it. It was my last hurrah with my inner turmoil. We finished the album and got onto the FBI watchlist for a political song.

I looked down at my phone to see I was getting a call from “Party Dad.” I knew what this is about.

“Did- did they show up at your door too?”

“Frank, you know they did.”

“Dude was fucking on the FBI’s list!” He was just as excited as I was.

“Hell fucking yeah, we are! You know we were still playing the song.”

“Oh, you know it. We will find a way around what they said. Plus fuck the government, that’s the whole point.”

“Two 30 something-year-olds on the FBI watchlist for a fucking song. This day could not get better.”

See here for the song

And toured. We toured for a while. Our last tour date was actually on my birthday in ‘08. In Nashville, no less. I didn’t tell my family, and surely didn’t expect them to be there. I never saw them, but I did see a familiar face. A significantly grown-up Ben Blackwell front and center. It caught me by surprise, that’s for sure, I slipped up a note or two upon seeing him. Though when we met up after, I was surprised how cool I stayed. I hadn’t seen anyone from my past in the years since. Ben has always been the sweet kid. I could never be mad. After that, we always stayed in touch, and whenever one of us was in Detroit or Nashville, we always met up. We recorded a couple tracks too. He’s always been a hell of a drummer.

The band didn’t live long because of the others projects, but I always worked with Frankie when he asked. I even played drums for most of his last album. I got a call while trying to make a drumline for one of the tracks. It was my mom. I hadn’t spoken to her in 14 years. The last time we talked, we’d gotten into the screaming match to end all screaming matches over my focus and direction in life. She didn’t want me to move, she didn’t want me to pursue music, and she didn’t want me to leave John. She always worried I’d die an old maid. I hadn’t dated since Jack, so I can see her concern now.

She dropped the bomb that my dad was sick. Of course, he was sick of all people. He was the most important man in my life. I hated being away from him. I could never bear to see him, and it turns out I’ve been wasting my time with him. All the tour stops, and I hadn’t seen him once. Guilt filled me. I felt the weight of it all. I felt the same tearing feeling, the same gut punch. I told frank everything, and him being him, he sent me off as quickly as possible to be with my family.

My mom didn’t mention the fight. She just hugged me and sent me to my dad’s room. She couldn’t look at me, though.

The moment I entered the house, I could hear Willie Nelson, a Red-headed stranger. It was always his favorite. My dad never showed his pain. He wanted to show us strength. It was heartbreaking to see him now in this state. I pushed it down. We talked for hours, and I told him everything, good and bad. He was always understanding. He knew my mind and reasoning better than I do.

When Ben invited me to a Third Man event, I hesitated. We see each other frequently now that I’m back in town for who knows how long. He always invites me shows and record release parties. I always declined, even though my feelings have changed, I still can’t see jack.

This time though, he said jack wouldn’t be there, something about his kids. Which took me by surprise, yet didn’t surprise me at all. So I agreed. To my dislike. I love ben, but the thought of being in Jack’s business nauseates me.

I watched the show from behind in the control room. Even though id heard it a million times, Ben did not hesitate to talk me through the live recording process. I was half paying attention, aimlessly looking at the crowd.

Then I heard that laugh, the same from all those years ago.

My heart leapt, panic-filled. I about pushed Ben over trying to get his attention. The footsteps. The heavy thuds came down the polished hallway. I nearly tore ben apart, trying to ask him if there was a bathroom.

I was waiting for my breath. There were two entrances. Both blocked. I could either join the band on stage or run straight into the man I’m trying so hard to avoid. Ben looked so frazzled, trying to calm me down. I felt a shiver run through me, and I suddenly stopped. I was frozen, looking at the hallway.

The bustle stopped, the footsteps stopped, all the people around him stopped in confusion. I locked eyes with him the moment he entered the room. No one dared move. Ben looked terrified next to, and the men around jack were whispering to themselves, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Then he spoke, almost like he didn’t believe I was in front of him.

“Rosie?”

7 notes · View notes

irwinkitten · 4 years

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missed kisses | m.c

notes: ahhh!!! last day of fic week!! i’ve enjoyed doing this despite how hellish my life has gotten and i am so glad i can still share the snippets of my writing with you guys. we’ll return to semi regular scheduling for future fics after this week!! also a very big thank you to @maluminspace who helped me flesh out the rest of this fic because it was a bit of a bitch to write to begin with lmao. prompts were picked out by @calumsmermaid!! also to my beautiful girl @loveroflrh, happy birthday angel!! i hope you love this one ♥ prompts: “Who hurt you?” | “It’s cold, you should take my jacket.” warnings: small bout of violence. word count: 1.8k

donate to my ko-fi here

Part of you felt dumb for letting yourself get ruled by your emotions. You’d desperately wanted to trust the guy you’d been talking to, learning about and falling for, but life was cruel sometimes.

You’d been talking to him for so many months, both of you having to manage a successful few dates in those months but both of your jobs and lives got in the way of pursuing.

Part of you wanted to give up, just let the cards fall where they may, but then he would say something and you allowed yourself some more time.

But this time, you’d had enough. You’d been sitting at the table waiting for well over an hour.

“Can I just get a check for the drink?” You finally asked your server, shame flooding you as you avoided looking at them. Tonight had not gone well at all.

You sent a text to Michael and you knew that you were going to get the ‘I told you so’ speech, but at this point you were beyond caring. You felt the sting of the rejection and betrayal, and even though you felt silly for feeling emotional over it, you couldn’t stop the frustrated tears.

When the bill showed up, you saw that the drink you’d had, had been paid off so you left the full $30 as a tip to your server instead. Making your way out, the temperature had dropped and you felt silly waiting in the cold without a jacket, but Michael had said he’d pick you up.

And keeping his promise, he pulled up fifteen minutes later, a frown on his features as you climbed into the car, shivering.

“It’s cold, you should take my jacket.” He reached back, tugging his jacket from the backseat before handing it to you. You didn’t protest, pulling it on and holding it tightly to your body as Michael turned up the car heating and made the drive back to yours.

“Do you want me to stop over or did you want to get changed and then come to mine? It’s your show, angel.”

“Can we stay at mine? I know I’ve got ice cream in the freezer and a semi decent meal since I didn’t get to eat.” This stunned him for a moment, a frown marring his features as your body started to relax in the warm interior of the car.

“But I have dogs that would cuddle with you.” His argument was fair, but you shrugged.

“You have a dog that will cuddle with me. South chooses as and when he wants to give his attention. Moose is just a cuddler.” This made him laugh.

“I guess. So back to mine then?” And at his expectant look, you felt your will against him crumble.

“Fine. But if you don’t have any ice cream, you’re buying some for me.” Michael nodded in understanding as he switched lanes and began to make his way back to his.

It took the entire journey to warm up, your hands still shaking slightly when Michael pulled into his driveway, killing the engine and just sitting there with you. Neither of you made a move to leave, so he turned to face you.

“Are you going to stop going out on shitty dates now?” His words caught you off guard, but you shyly nodded at his almost demand. It had you curious.

“Is this something because you don’t want me to keep hurting myself? Because I don’t need that lecture, Mike.” He paused at your words before he slowly shook his head, shifting in his seat so that he was leaning more towards you.

“You really have no idea?” At your confused eyebrow, he let out a stunned laugh, his fingers running through his hair as he tried to work out what to say.

“Mike, I’m-”

“God damn I’m in love with you and I want you to stop getting your heart broken by idiots so that I have a chance to woo you on a date.” He admitted in a snappish tone, a sigh following his words immediately after.

You weren’t too sure how to react. On one hand, he was your best friend. It was a friendship you weren’t willing to lose or trade.

But as you studied his face, his eyes watching as you reached for his hand.

He didn’t move, treating it as if you were some kind of doe, easily startled if there were any other sudden movements.

“Can we talk inside the house? I don’t want to do this in a car.” You squeezed his hand gently and he nodded. Part of you felt nervous because you weren’t too sure if he was being honest with you.

He didn’t say anything as the two of you left the car. When you got in, both dogs were there to greet him, Moose immediately running full tilt at you which made him chuckle before reaching out for your hand.

You felt your nerves kick into high gear.

Taking his hand, you allowed him to pull you into the living room, moving to the couch and only hesitating for half a second before sitting next to him.

“Are you being serious?” You finally blurt out, watching his face for any kind of tell that would give it away as a joke. But watching his face fall followed by a resigned look, you realised that actually he was being serious and felt chagrined that you’d even said it.

“It was never really just friends for me.” His eyes met yours and you could see the sincerity in his features, almost like his eyes were willing you to believe him.

“Mike.” You whispered and he gave you a wry smile in return.

“I never wanted to pursue anything more because I valued our friendship more than the idea of a relationship. But I can’t deny it anymore. Seeing you go off on those dates with those douchebags, it makes me irrationally angry and jealous. Why should they get all of your effort when they put in none?”

You felt stunned as he shifted closer, his other hand taking yours, pulling them onto his lap.

“I’m not gonna try and stop this, only if you say no. I’ll back off if you don’t feel that way.”

And as you thought about it, you realised every date you’d gone on, there was something you could compare to Michael. But they were never him. You interest never lasted long or they’d ghost you and leave you feeling played.

“I’ve been trying to find someone who would meet your standards. Someone to take that spot. But they’re not you. Fuck.” You whispered and he laughed as a hand reached up to cup your face.

“So we’ve both been idiots then?” At his question you let out a short giggle, leaning into his touch.

“Looks like it.” You murmured and then his lips were on yours and you felt something in you shift, your feelings surging as you kissed him back.

When you both pulled away, breathing heavy, you started laughing as he pulled you into him, helping you straddle his lap as his arms held you close.

“Why haven’t we been doing this the whole time? Fuck we’re idiots.” He muttered as his lips met yours once more. You laughed into the kiss.

“Better late than never, right?”

Things seemed to fall into place. You felt more relaxed and going out on dates with Michael were certainly more enjoyable. He seemed to really pull out all of the stops and you didn’t make any comment when you finally realised.

Instead you enjoyed the affection he dished out on you and enjoyed watching him turn pink in return when you dished your own affection on him.

Being sat at the restaurant that started it all amused you to no end, but you went along with it just to see Michael light up as he spoke about the album and asked about your own job.

Before you could answer, your phone was buzzing and glancing at the caller ID, you registered it was your mom.

“Mom’s calling. Want me to tell her you say hey?” His easy grin made you relax as he tapped his cheek once you were up. Laughing, you obliged and kissed his cheek.

“Tell her that it needs to be important. I’ve got a full night planned ahead for us.” He teased, making you beam as you headed out to take the call.

Before you could even answer the call, your phone had been ripped from your hands, the sound of the screen shattering, causing you to turn in shock.

“What the fuck?” You weren’t quick enough for the fist that came flying and you yelled in shock and pain, stumbling back whilst trying to protect yourself from any other blows.

“S’all your fault!” You recognised the man in front of you, but barely. His hair was unkempt and dirty, and his words were slurring.

“Like fuck is anything my fault.” You spat out, feeling the blood run onto your lip. Staff were fast to step out as he stepped forward again and Michael followed, immediately moving your hands to see the damage.

One of the waiters that hadn’t been caught in the struggle that had occurred in pinning him down. The look that Michael gave you, spoke more than words could in that moment.

“I’m so sorry to do this. But who hurt you? We need to note it down for our records and for when the police show up.” The server explained and you nodded.

Once you’d pointed at him and explained what happened, they retrieved your phone, the screen shattered beyond repair and you felt your heart sink.

“We’ll get a new one sorted for you.” Michael whispered as his arms wrapped around your body. You could only nod in return.

Once all of the officials had arrived and collected the information needed, Michael had already paid for the check as well as tipping the servers that had helped. By the time you got back to his, you were in more pain than you cared to admit and you just wanted to relax.

“C’mon, lets clean you up. Let me take care of you for tonight.”

You couldn’t say no to the sweet look that he was giving you, the concern written all over his features. So you agreed readily and allowed him to guide you upstairs.

Despite him laughing when you swore as he dabbed the antiseptic wipe against your cut and laughing again when you pulled away in protest to the pain, you knew you landed lucky with him. And as he doubled checked everything was okay before pulling you towards the bedroom, you were glad to have him by your side.

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ila9182 · 4 years

Note

13 for winter/Christmas asks? Thank you 💜

Thank you so much Mikki @mksc77 for the ask! I’m sorry it took me so long, I haven’t been really inspired lately, but here I am with a new story. It turned out to be a very very long piece, I hope it’s okay.

This story is an AU set during the Closer season 7. Also, this is very cliché, but it was the only idea I could come up with! I hope you will like it all the same!

Mistakes are all mine.

—————————-

13. “Just hold my hand, I won’t let you slip.”

“Just hold my hand, I won’t let you slip.”

Sharon arched an eyebrow as she studied the extended hand in front of her suspiciously. She knew better than to trust some people, especially the ones from the Major Crimes team. She crossed her arms over her chest and huffed, “Allow me to doubt that, Lieutenant.”

Flynn grinned at her, but kept his hand extended for her. Sharon’s gaze shifted from his hand to his face, but she didn’t move. “Well, don’t tell me that cutthroat Captain FID is afraid of some ice.” He teased her.

“Afraid?!” Sharon exclaimed in a high-pitched tone. She cleared her throat and shook her head before replying, her voice down but still firm, “You obviously don’t know me, Lieutenant. I love ice-skating and I used to go every Christmas in my hometown when…” Sharon’s mind wandered back to some old memories, but she quickly chased them away. She shook her head and regained her composure, getting rid of the small wistful smile that had appeared on her lips. “Nevermind…” She gestured with her right hand. “I don’t have the adequate shoes.” She added looking down at her feet. She was glad she had a pair of flat boots in the trunk of her car she could change into, but those weren’t still the right shoes to walk on ice.

“That’s why I offered you my hand, arm or whatever.” Andy replied with an eye roll.

They stared at each other for a few seconds until Andy dropped his hand to his side with a defeated sigh. He shrugged and told her, “Nevermind. Just stay out of the ice rink along with Provenza, I’m sure my partner will be good company.” He added, unable to hide a grin. He was about to walk away, but he stopped and turned around, “Oh Captain, I bet it will be hard for you to monitor us from that far. How can you be sure we won’t mess things up?”

Oh, I’m going to strangle him, Sharon thought. She bit her inner cheek, as she held back the words she wanted to spit in his face. She took a deep breath and looked around. Brenda’s team was already on the ice rink, circling the victim’s body. Only Lieutenant Provenza was standing out of the rink, grumpily shooting orders at Buzz.

“Fine.” Sharon let out in an irritated tone. “If you let me slip, Lieutenant, I want you to know that a sensitivity training won’t be enough this time. I’ll personally make sure that you’ll end up helping in the archive and won’t see the light of the day for at least three months.” She threateningly informed Andy.

“I wouldn’t dream of letting you slip.” Andy grumbled. “Last thing I need is another thorn in my side. Come on, Captain, we don’t have all day.” He muttered as Sharon locked her arm with his and took her first step on the ice rink.

—————–

Sharon was about to grab her coat and leave when her phone buzzed. She glanced at it and frowned when she read the caller ID. She considered not answering, but she was still at work and it could be important. Sharon sighed and placed the phone up to her ear. “Captain Raydor.” She answered, as she started rummaging around in her bag for her car key.

Captain Raydor, this is your lucky day. Sharon froze when she heard the familiar line. She stared blankly at her bag and replied, “Lieutenant, if this is a joke, I…”

Flynn cut her short, giving her an address before she could even finish her sentence. “Lieutenant, are you okay?” Sharon asked, worry in her tone as she recalled the last time he had called her saying the same line more than a year ago. Flynn had hung up before she could even get an answer to her question.

Sharon stared at her phone for a split second before quickly putting on her coat. She grabbed her purse and rushed to the door. “What the hell did you do this time, Andy?” Sharon muttered under her breath.

———————-

Sharon had reached the address Andy had given her in twenty minutes. The drive had been surprisingly short, also due to the fact that she occasionally went over the speed limit. She couldn’t help but wonder in what trouble Andy had walked into this time. Sharon parked the car in the first free spot and was ready to get off when she noticed Andy walking towards her car with his hands in the pockets of his pants. He seemed perfectly fine. Sharon took a deep breath as she felt anger rush through her. She got off her car and slammed the door, “Have you lost your mind?!” Sharon exclaimed, fuming.

“What do you mean?” Andy asked innocently, shrugging as he stopped in front of her.

“What do I mean?!” Sharon repeated, keeping her voice low. She wanted to kill him, in that case she would have had a good reason to be on the scene. “You call me while I’m at work, using that very same line from one year ago and you expect me not to think something bad had happened?!” She glared at him before she added, “I drove over the speed limit to get here and I’ve found you here with your hands in your pockets and your idiotic grin.” She pointed a threatening finger at the Lieutenant as she ordered him, “Wipe that grin off your face, Lieutenant! You won’t be smiling where I’m going to send you first thing in the morning tomorrow.”

“Whoa, whoa, slow down!” Andy replied, putting both hands in front of him defensively. His grin grew wider as he told her, “I can’t believe it, Captain Raydor was worried about me.”

“I wasn’t worried.” Sharon shot back, emphasizing the word. “Do you remember what happened the last time you called me and told me Captain Raydor, this is your lucky day?! I would have never thought you’d be so stupid to use that line again in a non-emergency situation!”

“You were worried about me.” Andy repeated again, grinning and almost chuckling.

This irritated Sharon even more and she had to refrain herself from hitting him. She shook her head and told Andy, “You dragged me here with no reason, made me waste my time… Whatever it was, you were successful with it, I hope you’re happy and enjoyed this prank because I will definitely enjoy the disciplinary note I will be writing tomorrow morning.” She coldly informed him.

Sharon was about to walk back to her car when Andy called to her, “You think this was a prank?” Sharon turned around and arched an eyebrow when Andy added, “So you’re not going to ask the reason I called you here? Maybe you might consider not adding a complaint to my already huge package…” He offered her one of his charming smiles.

“Confident much, Lieutenant?” Sharon glared at him. She didn’t feel like joking at all. She crossed her arms over her chest before she told Andy firmly, “I’ve already waste my time driving here. Come on, make it quick.”

“Uhm, I don’t know if you’re aware… but there is a nice ice rink nearby, they even have hot chocolate.” Andy explained with a faint smile, “It almost feels like being in some cold and snowy city, and not in LA. You can definitely feel the Christmas spirit.”

Sharon stared at him, speechless. She couldn’t tell if he was serious or making fun of her. Of all the excuses he could have come up with, she certainly didn’t expect this one. She frowned as Andy reminded her, “You know, last week, the dead body on the ice rink… you mentioned being good at ice-skating… you also seemed… almost wistful.” He glanced at her, hoping to read some reaction on her face, but Sharon was still staring blankly at him, “I know this is no winter fairy scenery, but it can be great too.”

“Are you drunk?!” Sharon wondered, dumbfounded. She didn’t recognize the hotheaded and stubborn Lieutenant Flynn from work anymore. She didn’t know who she was facing anymore.

“What?! NO!” Andy immediately replied in a high-pitched tone. He lowered his voice when he added, “I wanted to do something nice for you, but apparently I can’t without you questioning my sobriety.” He looked down, trying to hide the hurt in his voice.

Sharon noticed it and she instantly felt bad. She sighed and briefly brushed his arm with her hand to get his attention, “Okay I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” She sighed again and ran a hand through her hair before she met his gaze, “I’m not used to people being kind to me, so this…” She said, gesturing with a hand, “this feels weird to me, it feels like there’s a trap somewhere…”

“No trap here, Captain.” Andy replied truthfully. “I feel like we’ve been doing good lately, maybe we’re finally past the heads-butting phase. I would like that, so maybe consider this evening as a truce?” He proposed, shrugging.

“You scammed me into coming here.” Sharon shot back with an irritated sigh, “This isn’t a good start.”

“Would you have come down here if I had told you what I was up to?” Andy asked her.

Sharon didn’t reply. She stared at him blankly. As much as she hated to admit it, Andy was right, she definitely wouldn’t have come.

“See?” Andy grinned, knowing he was right, “You can’t blame me for that then.”

Sharon rolled her eyes at him and sighed, “What do you expect, Lieutenant?”

“Uhm, for you to come ice-skating with me?” Andy offered with a shrug. “And maybe some hot chocolate after that? I promise, no funny business.” He added, innocently.

Sharon kept quiet and eyed him suspiciously. Andy gave her a small smile and raised his hands apologetically when he said, “I warn you, I’m no professional ice-skater. I’m awful at it actually, so don’t expect me to let go of the ice rink board.”

Sharon laughed softly and covered her mouth with a hand. She met his gaze again and answered, “Well this could turn out compromising for your reputation, Lieutenant.”

“I feel like you might enjoy watching me make a fool of myself. Think of it as some kind of payback for all the times I said bullshit about you.” Andy told her with one of his renowned grins, “So what do you say?”

“I say it would be totally stupid to give up on such an tempting opportunity.” Sharon smirked at Andy.

——————-

“You know, Lieutenant, clinging to the ice rink board isn’t what I call ice-skating.” Sharon teased Andy as she glided past him gracefully.

“Yeah, yeah, have a good laugh, Captain.” Andy grumbled as he watched her skate around the ice rink. There was no doubt Sharon was pretty good at it, her body was completely relaxed and she was so comfortable on the ice… unlike him.

Sharon chuckled and joined Andy, stopping effortlessly in front of him. She smiled at him as she extended her hand towards him, “Come on, Lieutenant. Let’s do some serious ice-skating!”

Andy’s eyes widened as he stared at Sharon’s hand and then glanced up at her. “No, thank you. I’m really comfortable here.” He clung to the board with no intention of moving.

Sharon chuckled and told him teasingly, echoing the words he had said to her a week ago, “Don’t tell me that hotheaded Lieutenant Flynn is afraid of some ice?”

“Ha ha ha.” Andy let out, rolling his eyes at her. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

“Pretty much.” Sharon replied with a smirk. She went back serious when she patted his upper arm and added, “I promise, ice-skating is more fun if you let go of that board. Here, I can teach you.” She offered with an encouraging smile. “Take a few glides next to the board, we’ll start from here…”

Andy sighed. He met Sharon’s gaze and told her, “You’re not going to let me live through this, right? You’ll be waiting for the best moment to drop this in the middle of the Murder Room…”

“We’re not at work, Lieutenant.” Sharon pointed out. “This can stay between us.” She suggested with a small smile.

“If we’re not at work, then please, Captain, call me Andy.” Andy replied with a goofy smile.

“Same goes for you. Sharon.” Sharon told him as if Andy didn’t remember her name. “Come on, let’s go.”

Andy sighed and looked down at his feet before glancing at his hand clinging to the board. He took a few hesitant glides forward, his hand nearly brushing the board in case he would lose his balance. He then turned the front of his skates in toward each other and stopped clumsily. His hand gripped the railing of the board again as Sharon told him in a surprising cheerful tone, “This was really great, Andy!”

Andy looked at her skeptically. Sharon smiled and extended both hands toward him, “Come on, let’s move to the center of the rink.”

“Uhm, I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Andy replied, feeling suddenly uncomfortable. “Besides, I don’t want to make you fall…”

“Don’t worry about me, I’m a big girl.” Sharon told him with a smirk. “Come on!”

Andy could tell she wasn’t going to take no as an answer. He gave the ice rink a long look before he glanced back at Sharon’s extended hands. His gaze then shifted to her face, his eyes meeting hers. Sharon encouragingly nodded and Andy sighed. His hands came forward and clasped hers. It felt awkward at first; holding hands with the woman he had been butting heads for years. It felt awkward, but not unpleasant. It felt new.

Andy’s eyes met Sharon’s and she shyly smiled at him. “Just hold my hands, I won’t let you slip.” She reassured him as she skated backwards, pulling him along on the ice. “Just push and glide.” She instructed him. “And relax.”

They moved around the rink for a couple of turns. When Sharon felt Andy was starting to feel more at ease, she let go of one of his hands as she told him, “I’m moving to your side. You’re doing great, Andy. Keep going.”

Andy was about to protest, but she was already moving away. He immediately felt unbalanced and lurched forward. He pinwheeled his free arm in an attempt to maintain his balance as Sharon gripped his other arm tighter. “I got you, Andy.” She reassured him, “Straighten up.”

Andy tried to do as instructed, but he found it hard to focus on both his balance and his feet. Before he could even realize, he turned the front of his left skate in and came to an abrupt stop, pulling Sharon harshly toward him. She crashed full-on into him and they both went down, Andy landing on his back with a grunt and Sharon on top of him. He briefly closed his eyes. She was going to kill him, he thought. He felt her shake against his chest and he reopened his eyes. Andy was surprised when he found her covering her mouth with a hand and giggling. When Sharon finally met his eyes, she couldn’t hold back anymore and a bubbly laugh escaped her lips. Andy soon joined her and they lay on the ice for a little while, gasping for air.

“Are you okay?” Sharon asked between chuckles.

“I’m fine, can’t say the same for my ego.” Andy replied with a smirk.

“Poor thing.” Sharon mocked him, her hand patting his cheek playfully. She froze when she realized what she was doing and moved her hand away. She met his gaze and noticed how close they were. It suddenly felt awkward. She looked down and her eyes shifted to his lips. “We should move, lying on the ice won’t help your back.” She added matter-of-factly.

“Yeah, sure.” Andy fumbled as he felt her move off his chest. Sharon was quickly back on her feet and she put a hand out to him. Andy sat on the ice and told her seriously, “I might pull you down again.”

Sharon chuckled and watched as Andy carefully tried to stand. She moved closer, grabbing his arm to help him stand. Once he was back on his feet as well, he told her with a goofy smile, “If you help me to get out of here, you definitely deserve a hot chocolate. My treat.”

————————

Twenty minutes later they were sitting at a table not far away from the rink, sipping their hot chocolate. Sharon stared at the warm liquid before she looked up to meet Andy’s gaze, “I haven’t had so much fun in a long time.” She told him with a sincere smile. “Thank you.”

“No, thank you for agreeing to come with me. It was really fun.” Andy replied softly. He put both hands around his mug and added with a grin, “Thank you also for the ice-skating lessons.”

“You’ve been a surprisingly good and attentive learner… until that fall.” Sharon smirked.

“Sorry about that, Sharon.” Andy shrugged uncomfortably, “I hope you’re okay. You didn’t hurt yourself, did you?” He asked, worry in his tone.

Sharon put down her mug and looked at him. She smiled softly, surprised by his genuine concern. She waved a hand in the air as she reassured him, “Oh, I’m fine. Don’t worry, Andy. What about you?”

“I’ll probably have a bruise in the morning, but it was worth it.” Andy added with a lopsided grin.

Sharon arched an eyebrow at him. She wasn’t sure to what Andy was alluding, if he was speaking of their evening or more specifically of their fall. She chuckled uncomfortably as she looked away, focusing her attention on the people ice-skating. She could feel Andy’s stare piercing through her. She blushed slightly and ran a hand through her hair before she said, “You were right. It doesn’t feel like being in LA. It almost feels like being in Park City.” She turned to look back at Andy and found him grinning. “Almost.” She repeated, rolling her eyes at him.

Andy smiled at Sharon. The more time he spent with her, the more he realized how wrong he had been about her during all these years. Sharon was anything but the bullshit he and the team had said about her. Wicked witch, Ice Queen… those nicknames had nothing to do with the smiling Sharon sitting in front of him, sipping her hot chocolate. She was actually a pleasant – and even funny – person. She was beautiful – there was no denying to that, he had always known it – she was intelligent, she was smart, she was sassy but she was also unexpectedly sweet. It was the first time Andy had met a woman who possessed all those qualities. Sharon, he was fast discovering, was special and he was so blind he didn’t notice this sooner.

Sharon cleared her throat and Andy realized he had been stupidly staring. He rubbed the back of his neck and fumbled, “Uhm, I’m glad if this evening made you somehow feel back at home. I bet it wasn’t as great as being there with your family, there is no snow nor freezing temperatures here… but I’m glad you had fun all the same.”

“I did. It was really kind of you, Andy, to bring me here.” Sharon replied with an appreciative smile. “I never realized how much I missed ice-skating until now.” She added, her smile slowly getting wistful.

“You’re really great at it, you know.” Andy complimented her.

“Thank you, but my ice-skating skills are a bit rusty.” Sharon replied before she took another sip of her drink.

“Really? Gosh, what did you use to do? Ice shows with jumps, spins and other figures?” Andy asked in a half teasing, half admiring tone.

Sharon chuckled and covered her face with a hand while she gestured with the other, “Oh no, no!” She giggled again. “My daughter, Emily, is the expert for that, not me.”

“I see.” Andy told her with a bright smile. He noticed people slowly leaving the ice rink and he understood it must be nearly closing time. Sharon seemed to have realized it as well. Once he met her eyes again, he told her with a smile, “Let me pay for the drinks and I’ll walk you back to the car.”

Sharon nodded and took the last sip from her hot chocolate while Andy stood from the table. He turned to look at her and couldn’t help but smile when he noticed her upper lip was now sporting a faint chocolate mustache. He moved closer to Sharon and she frowned, clueless about what was going on through his mind. Andy leaned down, his face a few inches away from hers. Sharon was a little taken aback by their sudden proximity, but she didn’t pull back, waiting for his next move.

Andy smiled shyly as he whispered to her, “You’ve got a little chocolate mustache.”

“Oh!” Sharon exclaimed, immediately looking down, feeling uneasy. She couldn’t believe she had made such a fool of herself. She was about to wipe away the chocolate off her face when she felt Andy’s thumb run over her upper lip. She shivered delicately under his touch and looked up, her eyes meeting his again. His lips were a few inches away from hers. Sharon felt a little light-headed at their unexpected proximity. Something lurked in Andy’s eyes, an emotion she couldn’t read. Andy’s thumb was still hovering over her lip and Sharon didn’t think twice when she closed the gap between them.

Andy had been a little taken aback at first, but it didn’t take him long to respond. He deepened the kiss, his hand cupping her cheek as Sharon slid a hand in the back of his neck, drawing him closer. When they pulled back, they stared at each other for a few seconds as they processed in silence what had just happened.

“Wow…” Andy muttered out of breath, his hand still on her cheek. He stroked her face with his thumb and met her gaze, “I swear, Sharon, it wasn’t my intention when I brought you here.” He added in a serious tone.

“I know… I’m the one who kissed you.” Sharon pointed out with a small smile.

“Yeah, but you know I expected nothing from you in exchange, right? I just wanted to do something nice for you.” Andy explained. Despite what the rumors at work said about him, he wasn’t that kind of guy. He wanted to be sure Sharon believed him when he said she didn’t owe him anything.

“Andy…” Sharon stopped him, cupping his face with both hands. “I know. Chill out, I’m a big girl.” She added with a bright smile.

“Okay, uhm… I’m going to pay for our drink…” Andy informed her clumsily, “And then we could maybe talk about who kissed who, who started all this…” He added in a more confident tone, “Uhm let’s say over pizza?” He offered with a lopsided grin.

“I’d love that.” Sharon nodded with a smile. “I’ll wait for you, Andy.”

#The Closer #Major Crimes #Sharon Raydor #Andy Flynn #SharonxAndy #Shandy #ice rink #AU #winter/christmas prompt #fanfiction #prompt #OTP: idiots in love #The Closer AU fic #ilariawrites

38 notes · View notes

whumpernickel · 4 years

Text

so, i finally actually wrote something. i already posted this on ao3, but i was too nervous to share it here until id also finished this other fic i was writing, cuz i like that one a lot better than this one. and since i finished that second one, i figured id share both!

so heres the first work ive shared probably since i was thirteen: some needlessly angsty and sappy post episode-6 witcher fanfic because i have no shame (thats a lie) and zero self-control

Jaskier and Geralt had gone for much longer than this without seeing each other, but this had somehow felt like their longest time spent apart ever. He'd been anxious to see Jaskier – eager, almost. But... their greeting had been awkward, tense, brief- nothing Jaskier ever said was brief -and Geralt felt no small amount of fear at what any of this meant. It made the hairs at the back of his neck rise like a stalked animal's.

It was wrong.

There was so much unspoken, unaddressed, and hanging in the air over them, Geralt could feel it nearly tangible. For once, Geralt broke the silence first.

"What I said... before," he began, noting the way Jaskier tensed. "I know it was wrong."

Jaskier cleared his throat uncomfortably. "No. No, it uh..." he swallowed, "it wasn't."

"It was-"

"No," he insisted more firmly. "Trust me, I've had a lot of time and space to reflect on this, and you weren't wrong – I was stupidly selfish. With the djinn, with the betrothal celebration, with Yen, with... just everything, every one of those times. I was acting only for myself, and no one else, and bad things happened to good people for it. You wouldn't be in such a horrific fucking mess right now if not for- if I had just thought first, for one fucking second in my life. I never think, and..." He took a measured, steadying breath. "Well, I can't imagine I could ever deserve your forgiveness, but, at the very least, you deserve my apology." He met Geralt's eyes now. "And I am sorry. I truly am, Geralt."

Geralt expected to feel some kind of relief at the eye-contact, at the sound of his name spoken once again in his friend's voice, a blessed familiarity after months without it. And it was still there, that vague feeling of home in each other when neither of them really had much of a home otherwise, but it was tainted. The burdened remorse in Jaskier's words turned any sweetness Geralt might have found in them sour. He frowned.

"You... Jaskier, you don't deserve my forgiveness."

Jaskier winced and turned his attention purposefully to the floorboards.</p>

"I know-"

"No, I don't think you do know." Geralt grabbed Jaskier by the shoulders and ducked his head to intercept the man's averted gaze. "You've done nothing that warrants apology."

Jaskier gave an uncomfortable laugh and fidgeted under the attention. "...Okay, I think we both know that's not true – There are reasons- and some admittedly valid ones -that I'm banned from certain taverns, villages, kingdoms- I mean, no amount of lute-playing-"

"You know what I mean."

"Well, yes, but I don't understand it."

Jaskier met his eyes evenly, now, as if daring Geralt to try to rationalize it to him and certain he was placing a bet he couldn't lose.

Geralt felt his chest ache – guilt, confusion; worst of all, pity. He hated seeing pity thrown his way, and so he hated pitying others, especially anyone that meant something. But he couldn't help the twinge of pain at the realization that some part of Jaskier had believed Geralt up on that mountain all those months ago. Geralt knew better than anyone that the only way you could so comfortably and unquestioningly accept the poison fed to you by others was if you were already drinking the same poison from your own hand and calling it "water." He couldn't bear to imagine his so-spirited, so-confident friend doing this, but the evidence was there.

"I shouldn't have said the things I said," Geralt asserted. "They're not true."

Jaskier's eyes widened, almost imperceptibly, and he started to shake his head.

"Jaskier, I'm sor-"

"Please don't."

It was fragile and small, and Geralt almost questioned if it had actually been spoken aloud at all.

"Jas-"

"No, you- you can't take it back now," Jaskier said more audibly, shoving at Geralt's arms in a weak attempt to force some distance between them, "I was just starting to get over y- to... to get over what happened. And, if you take it back, now, then- then... Just don't take it back."

"I can't do this without..."

"Yes, actually, you can." Jaskier's face lit up hopefully, desperately. "You have."

"I don't want to."

"Then find someone."

Someone.

Geralt hadn't just meant he couldn't do this alone. Though he couldn't, of course – but that didn't matter, because he wasn't alone, anymore. Yet, even as not-alone as he was, he still didn't feel whole.

A huff of frustration forced its way out of his nose. How was he supposed to say any of that?

"Who?" Geralt intended it to be rhetorical, but Jaskier took the question at face-value and barreled on.

"Yennefer!- What about Yennefer?" he offered eagerly, "Of Vengerberg?" as if there were any question as to which Yennefer he meant, "Surely you two have made up by now, I mean even I'll admit you're somewhat of a power couple – but, y'know, extra emphasis on 'power.' Or- Or if not, then Téa? You seemed to like her and her man-killing prowess, yes?- I mean, I sure did, her and Véa, whoo, they are... terrifying. I'm sure they must take some time off from Borch-guarding, no? No, you're right, probably not. Then how about the child surprise- they are your destiny, after all, you're welcome for that – Or, if you're looking for a bard, specifically, there are plenty of others – not as good as me of course, but decent enough- I know a guy who-"

"Jaskier."

"What? No good? I mean, I suppose you could always put out an ad-"

"Jask."

Jaskier's nervous rambling died off in a shaky breath that sounded like it was meant to be a laugh, and he turned his full attention back to Geralt cautiously. His forced smile wavered at the soft sobriety in Geralt's expression.

Geralt dropped his hands from Jaskier's arms and took half a step back, ignoring his fear at giving the man enough space to walk away again.

"If you really mean it," Geralt stressed, "then I will leave you alone." A selfish something inside of him twisted at hearing the words out loud, but he let them hang in the air anyway, committed to respecting whatever answer Jaskier gave next.

"...Alright."

"Do you mean it?"

The silence that followed was more stifling than any yet that Geralt had had to endure in the bard's absence. Heavy and air-stealing.

Despite the uncertain pause, there was a sudden sureness on Jaskier's face that scared Geralt, and he instinctively braced himself as Jaskier opened his mouth to answer.

"No."

Geralt exhaled in silent relief. He hadn't noticed the breath caught in his chest until the moment he released it. He composed himself quickly; a show of weakness could probably help his case dramatically in winning back Jaskier's companionship, but it was tough enough showing as much vulnerability as he already had. Unlearning such a habit as ingrained into him as this one was like tearing a security blanket away from a homesick toddler, and the homesick toddler in Geralt was already veering dangerously into tantrum territory.

Despite the vulnerability of all this, he felt a noticeable lightness in his chest. Jaskier didn't hate him enough to never want to see him again – that was something. He'd take what he could get and he'd take it gladly.

He was trying to figure out what to say next – Geralt felt cursed, sometimes, with only being lightning-quick with his response if it was a wounding insult or a wordless grunt – but Jaskier figured it out before he did.

"Did you mean it?" he turned Geralt's question back on him.

Geralt blinked. "Did...?"

Jaskier looked at him pointedly.

"Oh."

Geralt felt shame and regret draw his shoulders up toward his ears, and he looked away.

"I... I thought I did," he admitted.

"I thought you did, too."

"I'm... sorry, Jaskier, I... You..." The words still wouldn't come to him.

Geralt didn't do words, but even he could see that there weren't many he could use to fix something that clearly went deeper than just some hurtful accusations thrown carelessly about on a godsforsaken mountaintop somewhere.

He shut his mouth, frowned.

Caring was so much more complicated than he always feared it would be. It wasn't just kill the monster, claim the reward, and go on pretending it didn't matter to him what happened after he left, anymore. The stakes were higher, more personal. This kind of care wasn't the kind that was a whole town of faces where none grabbed his attention long enough to be committed to memory, it was individual faces that he knew and recognized, faces that meant something – and this face was Jaskier's, one of the faces that meant the most. He wanted to reach out and erase the worried furrow between his brows, the tired shadows under his eyes, the modest handful of scars he'd amassed over the years traveling with Geralt.

But he'd leave the crow's feet – those held mostly happy memories.

Jaskier was one of those few people he so desperately wanted in his life, but wished didn't have to experience the hurt of it all.

"Jaskier, you..."

The concept Geralt was still trying ever valiantly to skirt around was family. And his was so very small and fragile, he couldn't bear to lose one piece of it, not for anything...

"You should really meet Ciri," he decided.

Jaskier brightened at this, a small smile crinkling his eyes. "You found her," he said.

Geralt nodded, a smile of his own taking shape.

"Alright. Lead the way."

#the witcher #the witcher fic #jaskier #geralt #angst #this is just #more angst than im even comfortable with lol #but here take it #witcher spoilers #wrudy writes #im not sorry for that tag

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vigerous-anus · 4 years

Text

An open letter to my abusive mother.

Mom. - This has been the longest we've gone without talking. This is the longest we've ever been apart. It's also the farthest in distance we've ever been apart. I made the conscious decision to draw clear boundaries for the first time. It looks like I'm doing all sorts of new things on my own, huh? It's funny, because you always acted like I never could. Why is it, mom; that even though you always said I could do whatever I wanted in life I always felt undercut and put down? Why is it I always felt less than my sister, even though you said you harbor no favoritism? On that note, why is it that you were so obsessive about the subject of favoritism? You always brought it up even if it wasn't bothering her and I. It's almost like you have a guilty conscience. Sorry for the bitter notes, but I'm just trying to understand.

Mom. - We used to be so close. At least I thought we were. Even though you never stopped your husband... Even though you enabled him for 11 years in abusing me and the animals... I still trusted you with everything I am. I still leaned on you and looked to you for direction. It was only when my sister and I were trying to find a ride out of the house that night your husband was threatening suicide that I began to notice how sick you are. You were chasing him around comforting him, when you should have been there with my sister and I. You should have been comforting your wailing and terrified daughter. Yet it was I who took that role. It was I who stood up and asked for help. It was I who took her hand and led her out of the fire. Mom. - That was your job. You didn't even blink twice when I told you her and I were leaving for the night. Instead you told me to be quiet so he wouldn't hear us leaving. You were protecting yourself, so you wouldn't get yelled at. You were trying to shelter him, so he'd calm down and not hurt himself. Mom. - You texted me later that night and said everything was fixed and you and him were happier than you'd ever been. You then told my sister and I the next day how happy you were he had, ''changed''. You got angry at me and mocked me when I was disgusted with your nonchalance. You gave me an ''apology'' later that night. It was moreso you justifying your feelings and how you had a just reason to pop off on me, rather than a genuine apology. You told me he said he didn't hate me but that you knew he did. You also said he told you he'd try harder to be a better person. I told you we'd all see the day he put down the act. Tell me, mom. - How could your world revolve around someone you knew full well hated me? You saw the hell he put me through every single day and you did nothing. You sat idely in the back.

Mom. - I remember when the abuse first started. We had beef stew that night. We were watching top 10 deadly creatures on the science channel. Your husband accused me of eating raw sugar out of his sugar container. I told him I hadn't been. He accused me of lying and he yelled at me. It seems like such a small thing, but he was filled with such vile hatred that night. My trust was broken. I remember being so confused because he hadn't acted that way to me prior. I had loved him and trusted him. You told me you knew I'd done it because my sister ''wouldn't do that''.

Mom.- When I was 12 and my mental illnesses developed... When I told you I felt that my sister was being favorited over me... You acted like I was crazy. YOU asked ME at 12 years old if YOU should ''put me away''. When your husband suggested I was going to give you a heartattack and he forced me to google how stress causes heartattacks in your age group, you sat there in silence. When your husband forced me to do yardwork for hours to ''toughen out'' the depression, you sent me out rake in hand. It took years for you to truly understand and get me the help I needed.

Mom. - I remember the day I brought the abuse to your attention. I was about 14. We were getting food for the animals. It was raining. He, for no reason, went off on me about something. When we got home that afternoon you and I were unloading hay in the barn. You begged me to tell you what was bothering me. I was terrified, but for the first time ever I confided in you about the abuse. I told you that I felt he was abusing me. You told me that abuse is a strong word to use, but you knew he was mean. I remember that day so well, because you undercut me in that moment. You begged me to confide in you. I put all of my courage together, and yet you invalidated everything I said to you.

Mom. - When you found out I had been selfharming and eating 400 calories a day because of the abuse, you told me that was better than me killing myself. How did it not give you any redflags? How did it not terrify you that I was in my room making myself bleed? How did it not terrify you that I was restricting food when I love food? On that note, to this day how is it ok for you to always hound me about my weight even though you know how much I struggle with it? Why would you want to push me to check the scale even though I told you it triggers those unhealthy tendencies? I remember the day I was laying next to you on the bed in a cheaha cabin. You told me you could feel my ribs, and it made my entire week. I see photos of myself during that time, and I envy what I used to look like compared to now. You do not make that easier on me, mom. - My scars made you sad, but you'd always repeat the notion that it was better than me killing myself. Mom. - That's like saying being an alcoholic is better than being a heroin addict.

Mom. - You had me record your fetish work when I was a minor. I was barely into my teens. You asked me to tell you if it made me uncomfortable, but that wasn't up to me. You should have kept your business your business. You shouldn't have told me your crazy sex stories. You shouldn't have overshared to my sister and I through the years. You shouldn't have incorperated me into it. You shouldn't have used me as help. Because of you, my views on sex are very warped. I feel extreme dysmorphia towards my own body. Somedays, I don't even want to be in it. I can't imagine showing it to anyone else. You never gave me sex-ed. You bought me books you hadn't even looked through yourself. This last year you hounded me more than you had before about getting started into the fetish work. You told me my anxiety was to bad for a ''real job''. I know you were scared I wouldn't make it, but you were the one who constantly undercut me. You blamed me for my exaustion. You blamed me for sleeping all day. You blamed it on my food patterns. You blamed it on my lack of working out. You never stopped to think I should go to a physician. When I told you it was from the abuse and depression, you just gave me two extra vitamins and 30 extra minutes before I took care of the farm I didn't ask for, and let alone mainly by myself.

Mom. - When I decided I wanted to be a CNA, you warned me it was an impossible job. I told you I felt called to it. I went to school for it, and every day I got home you asked me if I was sure I should really be doing this. When I told you I thought I couldn't finish my final exams, you told me of course I could. When I graduated I worked a grueling 5 months as a CNA. When you saw me having panic attacks every other hour, you told me you didn't know how to help but that I couldn't quit because every job would be like this. You made me believe it was me, not the job. You told me if I quit the abuse would start again. You told me your husband would be so disappointed in me. I kept on for another two weeks. The DON told me I needed to resign because she was scared I'd kill myself if I continued longterm. I told her I was terrified because your husband would be mad. She asked me if he was usually mean to me. I had to lie and tell her no, he just has high expectations. I quit that night relieved but terrified. I felt like the biggest disappointment and you both acted like I was. My sister cried to you and told you it wasn't worth my life for me to continue the job. That should have been enough, mom. You didn't even listen to her.

Mom. - You have told me throughout the 11 years I was abused you would never take back marrying your husband. You told me that God set it up, so you knew there was a ''purpose'' in my abuse. You told me October of 2019, after your husband died that you could tell I was happier and doing better. You proceeded to tell me if you could go back, you'd do it all again because you can't live without him. Mom. - How do you think it felt to have you tell me you would place that burden right back on my shoulders in one heartbeat given the chance? That was the moment, mom... Wherein I knew I couldn't trust you. While we're on the subject, mom... That day we all drove a few cities over, you talked the entire car ride how your husband was a beautiful soul and how he's in heaven and he always wanted to help everyone he came across. You talked about what a ''great dad'' he was to Heather, and a ''great husband'' to you. I ignored you the entire car ride, seething in anger and steeped in a feeling of betrayal. You kept trying to get me to talk to you about what was bothering me. I didn't tell you, but you guessed it on your own. You told me, ''I know this isn't what you want to hear and it'll make you unhappy, but if this is about me talking about my husband then I'm sorry but I'm not going to stop.'' All in a few weeks, mom... You made it clear to me what I felt all along. As long as you're happy, it doesn't matter how it effects me.

Mom.- I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask for you to put me in that situation. You always complained to me how you were ''caught in the middle''. Mom.- Nobody put you in the middle except for yourself. When it's between your husband who's abusing your daughter, and your daughter... You choose your daughter. You never chose me. When you did speak up for me, it was cut short and you didn't follow up with it hardly ever. You always let me know when you did it, as if you deserved a trophy for actually saying something in my favor. You said you loved everything about him. How can you diss all of the friends who stabbed me in the back, but not your husband who hated me more than them? How can you diss the church leaders who abused me when what they did is so similar to what he did to me, yet go home and have your world revolve around him? How can you do that and expect me to feel your love, mom? It's no wonder you had mercy for Denise. You related to the blind loyalty she has to her husband, even over me.

Mom.- You watched me tremble in fear. You watched my memory dissolve through the years. You watched me get suicidal. You watched me sleep all day. You watched me hurt myself. You saw me barely surviving and yet you never intervened. I always thought that someday... Someday he'll push it to far and you'll leave him. That hope left me that day you told me you'd never leave him no matter what he did or didn't do. You stayed true to that. If he didn't die, I'd still be dealing with the abuse, mom. I didn't know how long I was going to be able to just run off of basic survival mode, mom. His death saved my life, and ruined yours. It's no wonder you have such an internal conflict. You know what disgusts me? If I sent this to you, you wouldn't read it. You would make someone else read it or you'd delete it. You'll sit on the computer for hours telling me how unhealthy I am and how that's because of my weight and the lack of leafy greens in my diet. Yet, mom; You won't listen to the actual problems when I bring them to you. I didn't try to run you off that day I sent you the last text message you recieved. I wanted to talk peacefully. I didn't answer your call because I knew you'd fight and I didn't want our latest call to be of us fighting. I still wonder to this day if you even went back to read that message I sent you after you kicked me out. You never listen, mom.

Mom.- I forgave you for not properly schooling me, but the fact you did the same exact thing to my sister is beyond me. How could you neglect her so much while also favoring her? She has zero life skills at 16 years old because of you. She, like me when I was 16 years old; doesn't know basic math because of you. I fear of you getting arrested for that, mom. In the end though, I have my sisters best interest at heart. You made your decisions. You took your chances. That was your decision, not mine.

Mom.- It feels so weird that you don't know I've had an ER visit and multiple doctors appointments. When I was in the ER, all I could think about was that you should be there. You should know. It just isn't right, but again... That isn't my fault. You did this to yourself. It feels so odd that you don't know I'm on medications. It feels odd you don't know about my progress and achievements. It's weird to think you don't know where I am. Mom.- In that email you sent me, you didn't even ask me if I'm ok. If I'm homeless, or where I'm staying. I can't seem to put the pieces of the puzzle you scattered into place, but I'm trying.

Mom.- My main thought through the abuse and even now is that I just want happiness. There is so much from my childhood I am looking at through new eyes, and if I put it all down once I remembered it all, I'd have enough for a trilogy. Mom, I have gained my freedom and I'm on the road to true peace and joy in my life. But mom; I want happiness for you. After all you've done, after all you will still do, and even after that email you sent me on Christmas, I just want you to be happy and free. I saw how much he strangled you inside. He held us all down under an iron fist, and yes you let him... But I still just want happiness for you. I often think of who you were as a teenager and young adult. Or, what you told me you were like. I want you to have that peace back. I want you to have that strength back. The diginity you had then, I want you to have now. I want you to remember how to be a human being without someone else's help. I want you to raise my sister properly. I want you to give her proper education and resources. I want you to give her a license and a car. I want you to help her spread her wings. I want all three of us to be united someday, healthy and truly free. At this point, I don't know if you'll live long enough for that to happen between your alcoholic tendencies and reckless decisions. Mom.- I have to live my life regardless to what you decide to do. I just hope you wake up before it's to late.

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trifoliate-undergrowth · 5 years

Text

Episode 7: No Bigger Fish

WELL IT HAS BEEN A WHILE but we’re getting the group back together tomorrow and so I want to try to catch up on some of the old episodes I never posted! They may be a bit shorter because it’s been so long and I’ve forgotten stuff so I have to rely on my notes, but I hope to hit the highlights. This session in particular was one of my favorites. Basically, our characters make a Walmart run, but instead of Walmart it’s the planet of Naboo.

The DM introduces us to the spectacle of Theed City, capitol of Naboo. It’s temperate in climate, standing majestically on a forested mesa.

We’re contacted by Theed air traffic control.

Me: As usual, Taveau is gonna look to Grif to do the talking.

H: As usual, Rralwarr can’t talk.

ATC: confirm number of passengers and planned duration of stay.

Grif: Uh hey there, we have 3, planning on staying overnight.

ATC: Copy, Blindsider... be prepared to show IDs to customs.

Grif, quietly: oh

(The players all sit back and give each other the :/ face for a minute)

Rralwarr: Well, we don’t need to stop here...

Me out-of-character: can we do a galactic lore roll to see how bad it would be if we landed without IDs? I mean Taveau’s not gonna know what to search for necessarily, he’s not familiar with landing LEGALLY... But maybe someone else who knows more about this?

Grif: hmmm well sounds problematic.

Grif to ATC: OK we don’t have time to stop here bye.

ATC: Copy, please exit Naboo airspace within 5 minutes.

There’s a pause, then:

DM: OK, WELL, I’LL JUST PULL THIS ENTIRE PAGE OF METICULOUS NOTES OUT OF THE BOOK AND EAT IT, NOW.

Everyone: uh

Everyone: do we uh

Everyone: was... were we supposed to land on Naboo....

Everyone: do we not have a session plan now??

DM: MMMMMYEP.

M: oops.... oh, well, we already did that so I guess--

Me, out of character: AAHGHSDFJK. OK HOLD ON ONE SEC--

Taveau: H, hold on, are we... where are we going if we’re not stopping here?

Grif: To meet up with Mij?

Taveau: But we were supposed to meet up with him in a couple of days. We’re going to be there way too early if we stop here.

Rralwarr: We could always just wait there. Maybe scope out the area.

Taveau: Have you looked at the coordinates he gave us? That’s in the middle of Separatist airspace and I don’t want to be just sitting out there for two days!

Grif: Well...

Taveau takes out his datapad, does a thirty-second Space Wikipedia search, and shoves it in Grif’s face--showing that we can easily get tourist visas on the planet.

Grif: OK, you really want to go to this planet don’t you?

(Me out of character: YE)

Grif: Listen, OK, let’s make a deal... We’ll make this stop and I’ll subtract 10% of your pay.

Taveau:

Taveau: What

Taveau: What is my pay?

Grif: ...OK yeah let’s go ahead and establish that.

Taveau: Uh-huh, so what do you think is a good--

Grif: *FAST TALK MODE ENGAGED* Well listen I feel like we’ve got to find a price that’s reasonable for our means without devaluing the great help you’ve given us. You helped us in battle as well as with flying this ship. You’ve changed the direction of my entire life, and I hope you’ll be there for a lot of it, because you’re a pretty cool guy. However, as far as payment goes, well, I mean you weren’t flying for the whole time you’ve been with us, and a lot of that time the ship was on autopilot anyway--

Taveau, breaking out of his overwhelmed haze: OK but you say this like programming autopilot is EASY. Could you do it?

Grif: ...Probably? I mean I’m guessing there’s a button you press.

Rralwarr: You’re the type who’d push the self-destruct button instead.

Grif, uncomfortable: Thehrhyhe haaa theyyy don’t HAVE self destruct buttons??? do they???

Taveau: *chuckles* .... nah.

Grif: Ah, good, great. So how much do you want?

Taveau, who has no idea what a reasonable price actually is, just kind of bluescreens for a few seconds and then goes “.....10,000?”

Grif: OK, sure. I’ll get that to you as soon as possible. ...You really wanna go to Naboo?

Taveau: Do you have a better idea??

Grif: ... ...well... no... but...? ...OK but let’s go to the other side of the planet, I don’t wanna talk to that guy again, he seemed grumpy.

(DM: Ooh...

H: I know what his punishment for us is gonna be.

DM: The Gungans have also been making a killing off of tourism, and have built a spaceport outside of Theed to allow access to the underwater city. Yes, THIS IS WHAT YOU GET for making me eat my notes.)

Grif, researching the area, notices the Gungan city, and goes: Ooh, an underwater city! Now, that I could get behind.

Taveau: OK? Glad to see you excited about something.

Grif, reading from his datapad: ooh they took out an entire orbital dropship, they must be great warriors!

Taveau: Huh. Interesting.

DM: So you fly in to Gungan Space and you get a uhh.. a new buzzer on the commlink... it appears to be Gungan traffic control.

ATC: HEDOOOH! YoU-sA wAnT lAnD iN GunGAn cItY??

HEDOOOH! You-sa want land in Gungan City?

(Players: oh...

DM: THIS IS YOUR PUNISHMENT.)

ATC: wE-SAAAA be hApPy to WelCOmE YoU! YoUUu-sa, be lAnDiN iNNnn, ah... DoCkInG bAy 36!

Grif: All right, sounds great!

ATC: ThAnK yOuS!

Grif: he sounds friendly.

Taveau: yeah, they sound pretty chill.

Grif: they must have a very interesting and deep rich culture if their speech is so hard for us to understand... I think it’ll be a very interesting experience.

DM: You land, and are greeted by Gungan Customs, which seems to work on a different organizational scheme than Nubian customs.

Gungan Customs Officer: Hello-sa!

Grif: Hi! :D

GCO: Welcome to Naboo, we-sa very happy to have you here! But-ah, there is una small matter! The landing fee is 500 Republic credits!

Grif: OK, uh, shoot! Well, I can cover that one. (M: I’ll swipe my cardy-boii)

We get our visas and ride down towards the underwater city in a small sub shuttle. Rralwarr is not happy about being crammed into a small space, or about being underwater in general, but it’s otherwise a very nice ship. The pilots points out interesting features of the area as we glide downwards.

Taveau: Huh... I’m starting to enjoy myself.

Grif, staring at the pilot’s eye-stalks: .....huh.

The water grows darker, but ahead is a dim glow of light which slowly becomes many different points of light, coming from a system of oddly bulbous pods linked together: the underwater city of Otoh-Gunga.

Grif: Wow! This is impresive!

Pilot: It is very nice, yes? We-sa like it here.

Grif: So, like, how do you get in without, like, letting water in?

Pilot: Ooh, we-sa have membranes! It keep the water out, but the ships go through!

Grif: Amazing! But isn’t that a security risk? Can any ships go through, or only yours?

Pilot: Oh, we-sa don’t worry about that. We-sa very peaceful, no have soldiers here since the invasion.

Grif: Oh, good, I always like a peaceful planet. I come from one myself, it’s called Alderaan.

Pilot: Does it have oceans?

Grif: Oh, yeah, lots of oceans! But I don’t think there are any underwater cities. \

Pilot: Sound lovely. Maybe we visit sometime.

We arrive in the city, and Rralwarr immediately runs to the most open space in the area and takes a slightly panicky breath of air.

Taveau: Doing OK Rralwarr?

Rralwarr: *tiny Wookie noise* underwater....

Grif: OK, let’s figure out how we’re gonna do this! Rralwarr, I know you want medpacs. Taveau, what about you?

Taveau: Booze.

Grif: ..That’s all? You made us come down here for booze? Alright, fine, I’ll get you some booze.

Taveau: You’re paying? I wasn’t aware that was part of the arrangement.

Grif: Oh, sure, yeah. I’ll get you whatever you need on this trip, it comes out of your pay, is all.

Taveau: I can buy my own groceries. But I will let you buy me a bottle of rum.

The party splits: Rralwarr goes off to buy medpacs, and Grif and Taveau head to a liquor store. DM asks what I’m looking for. I say just a cheap rum.

DM: Just... complete rotgut? You’re looking for the Star Wars equivalent of Everclear.

Me, ooc: not QUITE that bad.

DM: So, space Jim Beam.

Me: Yeah.

DM: OK, you find that.

The DM introduces the cashier lady, the store, and an impressive array of space booze to choose from: a number of Mon Cal grades, one which is 1000 credits (Taveau: oof. that’s unnecessary), samples of imports from other planets--the cashier notes that a few are becoming hard to get, thanks to the Separatists taking over the planets of origin.

DM: There’s also a novelty bottle of bright green alcohol that comes in a bottle shaped like Yoda’s head. You’re pretty sure this was not authorized by the Jedi. 75 credits. The label reads “Feel good you will, hmmmm.”

Grif: !!!

Taveau: I’m not sure I trust this, but OK?? We can share it, it’ll be interesting.

We get the novelty Yoda booze and 1 bottle of 95-credit (fairly cheap but almost respectable) Mon Calamari black rum for Taveau’s personal use.

As they leave, Taveau takes the rum out of his bag, takes a swig straight out the bottle, and then puts it back in his bag.

DM: That’s very white trash of him.

Me, OOC: You assume Taveau is white? He’s just... space trash.

(DM argues that I showed him some pictures I found on pinterest as references and they looked like white trash. And OK they fit the general aesthetic and appearance which is why I sent them, but they don’t supersede the character description that’s on my sheet.)

DM: So you continue walking along, noticing the tourists and the Gungans looking out across the city. It’s so pretty, you think you have to take another drink of rum to appreciate it, so you do. (Minor irritation from me having my character played for me, but it is, in fact, extremely in character, so I roll with it) Grif, you crack open that Yoda head. It is very sweet and very fruity, with a bit of citrus. It’s basically 170-proof Mountain Dew. Some of your nervousness about being underwater slips away. You decide to give Rralwarr some when you get back.

Taveau: How’s that?

Grif: Weird! It’s sweet, try it?

Taveau: ...ooh. I like that more than I thought I would.

DM: Taveau, you find yourself feeling like you’re almost ready to talk to people. It’s weird, and you’re not quite sure how you feel about it.

Next, we head to Otoh Gunga Metalworks. Naboo, being so peaceful, does not permit the (legal) sale of weapons for anything other than decoration, but Taveau wants to add to his knife collection. He’s planning to collect a knife from every planet he visits.

We enter, and the Gungan asks what we’re looking for. Taveau, being Taveau, just goes “Knives.” The Gungan chuckles.

Cashier Gungan: Who-sa you want to stab?

Taveau: Depends on the day.

CG: Me-sa kidding! We-sa no sell sharp blades, but we-sa do have good collection pieces.

Grif: Well, that would be perfect *elbow jab* sINCE YOU’RE A COLLECTOR, Taveau!

Taveau: Yep.

There are, actually, a wide variety of knives, mostly elaborately wrought decoration pieces, but down in the “historical section” are knives and hunting tools, replicas of the distant past. They have dull edges and are made of the same dark metal of the city-bubbles’ frames. There are spears, slings, and some small, almost stiletto-like knives.

Grif: Wow, it’s so tiny!

The Gungan chuckles: You-sa must be delicate, thesa not be for gooberfish. ...We-sa have spears for those.

Taveau picks up one of the small knives and examines it. It’s a bit heavier than he would expect for the size and is made of one piece of metal, with the hilt wrapped in a tough green leather of unidentifiable source. It’s a stiff, non-flexible blade, very slender, the balance point towards the hilt.

Taveau buys two of the plainer ones.

Next, I want to find a vox box, a device which (I had learned from the manual) is readily available across the galaxy and speaks a range of phrases in Basic, and, with a good computer skill, can also be customized.

All we can find, the DM tells us, is a novelty vox box that speaks in a Gungan accent.

(Me: Is this really the only one?? I was gonna give it to Rralwarr as a gift, I thought it was a good idea...

DM: That’s the only one.

Me: I’m a little angry.

DM: SO AM I)

Grif thinks the box is hilarious and encourages Taveau, who was wavering, to buy it anyway. Taveau figures they can always try customizing it to be less annoying later. And then--

Grif: Bookstore! Do you like books? I like books.

Taveau: Uh. Sure

Grif looks through the selections on galactic cultures, trying to find something on Mandalore. There are very few mentions of it, aside from a sort of cheesy fiction book title “Tales of the Mandalorian Raiders,” a story about the Old Republic. The cover shows a black-and-red-helmeted mando in old-fashioned armor--it’s more square, and the T-visor is contoured differently--stabbing his sword through a Jedi’s heart, with the wreckage of a city overrun by armies of battling Jedi and Mandalorians in the background.

Grif seriously considers buying this book. Taveau picks it up and flips through it. It claims to be written in Mando’a blank verse, a claim which doesn’t make a hell of a lot of sense, but whatever. There are a few words of Mando’a flung in for flavor. They’re hilariously misspelled. It tells the story of an ancient Mandalore who once allied with the Sith. He’s portrayed in a fairly unflattering light, and the book focused on his creative ways of slaughtering people.

Taveau cackles at this a bit.

Grif: ....Had enough to drink?

Taveau: Yeah yeah. *shakes the book* is this what you do in your free time?

Grif: It is now.

Taveau: Why??

Grif: Well--okay, here’s the thing, I just... My life has been changing a lot lately, and I’m not really sure where I stand, you know? And I want to believe that Mij and his people are the good guys, you know, and I really think it’s so cool what they stand for, the--the freedom, and honor, and stuff, and fighting Death Watch, but I just... I’m new to this, and I don’t know them very well, and if I’m going to become a part of this I want to be sure I’m doing the right thing. So, I guess I just want to understand more about the culture because I hope it’ll help me understand Mij.

Taveau: ..*chokes* hgnsf. Huh, OK. Well, I don’t think a book about the far past is going to tell you anything about Mij, but I think I get what you’re saying... *suppressed chuckle* Huh, well, how about this. Would you like me to cook for you? You said you wanted to learn about Mandalorian culture, hm? *Cackling* I mean--you’ve got me, I’m right here. You, uh, don’t need. *dismissive shake of the book* ...This.

Grif is enthusiastic about this, despite the fact that Taveau is still cackling devilishly. They go grocery shopping. There’s a lot of fish, some seaweed-type wraps, and “a rather interesting sauce”: the sando-aquamonster hot sauce, with a label reading “there is no bigger fish.”

Taveau grumbles about the lack of spices, but buys the ingredients to make a fish wrap of some sort, along with that very interesting hot sauce. Grif follows everything eagerly. He does not protest the purchase of the hottest sauce in the store. We go back to the ship and reunite with Rralwarr. There’s a smallish cooking area in the ship, basically just a counter and a space microwave. Taveau tastes the sauce while he’s making the wraps.

Me, OOC: So how spicy is it?

DM: To YOU? Not very spicy, but you think it’s pretty good for an aruetiise approximation.

Let me pause here to share with you, my dear readers, some fun trivia I learned in my study of Mando’a. Mandalorian culture is full of very spicy foods. They have a special word (hetikles) for the “noseburn” you get from really really spicy foods, the ones that basically just set your entire sinus system on fire--it’s a prized sensation. Taveau was, of course, raised to have a healthy appreciation of hellishly fiery foods. Grif was not, and Taveau kinda suspects this.

Now, Taveau (fortunately for Grif) does not have access to real Mandalorian spices, but this sauce comes close enough to earn his respect.

He makes some fish wraps and sticks them in the space microwave for a minute so they’re warm, then drenches them in hot sauce. Grif is excited.

Taveau: Chill, this isn’t anything like authentic, I used what I could find.. it’s just some space-microwaved fish wrap with hot sauce on it... the sauce is pretty good, though.

Grif: Oh, awesome, cool, great! Is there, like, a traditional way to eat this or

Taveau: Just. eat it

Grif: OK!

M: Grif takes a big forkful and stuffs it in his mouth.

DM: CON SAVE!

M: (6)

DM: You would let loose with every foul word that you know, except that your mouth hurts too much and you can only get out an incomprehensible sound of pain.

Grif: WREEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Taveau, at this point, is on the floor, just choking with laughter.

DM: Grif, you scramble for the closest liquid--which is the bottle of Yoda liquor. It cuts the burn a bit but you do not feel well and you run off to the refresher to rethink your life. Taveau meanwhile is just losing it with laughter and calls after Grif “Kandosii!”

Rralwarr: What did you give him?!

Taveau: Just hot sauce. Try it!

DM: CON SAVE! (high pass) Yeah, you’re fine. It’s good sauce. You think Grif is just kind of a wimp.

Grif still hasn’t come back. Taveau feels a tiny bit bad but also he’s still laughing. Rralwarr pretends to feel bad. He is also laughing. We eat two of the hot-sauced wraps and Taveau puts one plain, not at all hot one aside for Grif, when he feels better enough to eat. Taveau also gives Rralwarr the vox box which speaks in a Gungan accent.

Rralwarr: ...This was Grif’s idea wasn’t it.

Meanwhile, Grif is lying spread-eagled on the tiles in the refresher, trying to absorb all the coldness from the floor. He feels like he’s on fire and his stomach probably won’t settle down for a while.

Taveau spends the next couple of hours sharpening the two knives he bought. He tapes one to the underside of his pilot seat so that it’s hidden but easy to whip out if needed. He’s completely finished sharpening both by the time Grif stumbles out of the refresher.

Taveau: Hey, Grif! I left one of those wraps plain for you. It’s in the kitchen.

Grif: hhhghhthanks uhhh I’m not really hungry right now but thanks tho

Taveau: Are you okay?

Grif: *sniff* hhghhhhyes ‘m fine just uhhhhghh. gonna uhh. go to bed now I think. g’night Taveau.

Taveau: I, uh. Didn’t realize it would be quite that rough on you.

Grif: huhhh nno it’sss fineeee m just a lil tired that’s all just. yea. ‘m totally fine don’t worry about it. g’night

Taveau: Oh, hey, before you go. This is for you. I sharpened it.

He gives Grif the other knife he’d bought on the planet, the slightly nicer one, now razor sharp, and tries to show Grif some grips he can use to fight with it.

Grif: uhhh that’s nice but uhh maybe show me this when I’m more awake maybe. tthank you.

He stumbles off, and Taveau settles down in his pilot seat with his knife collection. For now, it’s quiet in the ship.

Episodes Masterpost

#Taveau #Star Wars rpg #yep #I'm back with this!!!

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asianpower5 · 5 years

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Ok so its been 24 hours since I saw the movie and I wanted to write down my thoughts, most of it is for me so I can go back and read how I felt about it years from now, its going to be very long and wordy but im just writing as the thoughts come and now worrying about grammar or anything, that includes timeline, so my thoughts may come to me out of order . I’m going to put it all under read more so i dont spoil it for any of you lovely people

So I got to the theater like 40 minutes early because I just couldnt contain myself and I wanted to get my perfect seat. Wore my new HTTYD shirt and brought my toothless plushie from build a bear (another little girl had the same idea she was so cute)

but now onto the movie

they threw me for a loop I was totally expecting a “this is berk’” speech as the very opening, not the raid, but honestly this movie is about change so I liked the change. But I still got my fix, because as they flew back to Berk my only thought was “this is berk”, AND THEN HE SAID THE THING YES.

Loved the scene in the great forge, it just really showed how big Berk is and how many vikings there are, and seeing them all happy and enjoying a meal together just warmed my heart, plus Gobber teasing Astrid and Hiccup about marriage and Valka beating Spitelout at arm wrestling haha.

Tuffnut was comedic gold, talking about his “beard” and giving hiccup bro pep talks. And when he said the earth was round? and the stars? I almost died laughing.

Grimmel being a complete jerk and drugging those poor dragons with their own venom.

Fetch with Hiccup’s leg?? and him dropping it in Astrid’s lap and then being over protective of the leg when Stormfly came near it? Then Hiccup tickling Astrid, what did we do to deserve such a cute Hiccstrid scene?

Toothless meeting the light fury was even better than I thought, he was such a dork and had no idea what to do, then looking to Hiccup for advice about how to flirt oh gosh silly boy.

Im calling Hiccup out on his saying Astrid isnt a romantic, I mean Hiccup is totally the hopeless romantic, but Astrid in my mind is totally a secret romantic, at least when it comes to her own relationship.

Also Toothless practicing his mating dancing by watching his shadow and studying the naddars as they danced was so adorable.

Ok ngl I actually thought Grimmel had shot Toothless in the house, and I was so happy to see that is was part of their plan and that he had back up (sorry Fishlegs I love you and you took one for the team so good on you!). Why I was surprised by this idk, I know these characters enough to know that they would pull something like that. BUT HICCUP TELLING GRIMMEL OFF AND CALLING HE OUT FOR SITTING IN STOICKS CHAIR, YES BOY. That just made the feeling of Berk being attacked and flames burning everywhere hurt so much more.

The meeting with all of Berk? Just wow, I mean first off I love that Hiccup had his whole gang up there with him, just goes to show that he really trusts them and values them as being part of the team. Astrid sticking up for my boy and Tuff just going “IM WITH HIM WHO ELSE” A plus team work, I loved the support. Not to mention the fact that Hiccup was able to convince them all to pack up what little they could carry and leave. I mean we know from the first movie that vikings are stubborn, but they are also capable of change. The fact that they left their home of 7 generations and probably left some import things they couldnt carry with them was such an amazing gesture. And Berk really is where ever the vikings are, it is not just a single island. It really hurt to see them leave the island, the place where it all started, but the fact that they all stuck together really shows how strong of a bond they have as a people.

Light fury knocking Hiccup off Toothless, such a sassy girl I love her. I mean come on Toothless was obviously gunna save him. Also the sheeps wanting to be dragons is something I never new I needed, especially after seeing how afraid of dragons they used to be (I mean the dragons did hunt them, but im all here for them cosplaying as their favorite dragons)

I JUST REMEMBERED I NEVER TALKED ABOUT FLASHBACKS SO LETS DO THAT NOW. First of little toddler Hiccup??? THE FRICKIN CUTEST THING EVER OK. I know there was a line in the trailer that wasnt in the movie the one where Stoick says something like “I believe its your destiny to find the hidden world so dragons and vikings no longer need to fight” but I wasnt sad that they didnt keep this line. I think it makes more sense to have what they did, Stoick talking about finding the hidden world so they could protect Berk from it. I mean this took place when they were still fighting dragons, so yea the line about destiny could mean he thinks Hiccup would destroy the hidden world, but the tone of the scene was so calm and relaxing that to me it gave off the vibe that Stock was implying that Hiccup would unite their worlds, which doenst make sense since again they were still at war with the dragons at this point. So I liked what they had in the movie, I think what they kept fit the tone and it still showed how Berk was at war with the dragons.

NEXT FLASHBACK. Little Hiccup just sneaking down the stairs and then his little face like “oh shit” when he saw his dad was up and trying to sneak back up. The way he said he wanted water, I JUST IT WAS SO CUTE, whoever voiced tiny hiccup good job because omg it was so cute. How happy he was to go over to his dad and sit on his lap. When he asked Stoick if he would get them a new mom, my heart just broke I mean Hiccup was so young that he didn’t fully grasp the situation, and I mean before Hiccup got caught sneaking downstairs we saw Stoick crying. That was so important to me I mean Stoick the Vast, he is massive, and remember the first movie the fact about him ripping a dragons head off as a baby? Yea this character who basically screams masculinity has yet another vulnerable scene, showing yet again that crying is ok (I mean back in the first movie when he told Hiccup he wasnt his son, and when he met Valka again?? yes please keeping showing people that being masculine doenst mean you cant cry!). Stoick teaching Hiccup about love, yes dad points for you, I adore the scenes like these, that show how much Stock loves his family, he would be so proud of Hiccup and who he has become. OH YEA SIDE NOTE HOW I FORGET HICCUPS STUFFED DRAGON? THROWBACK TO THE TV SERIES THANK YOU.

New Berk, cuz thats the best I got to call it right now, love how everyone basically immediately goes to claiming their areas ahha.

Ok Snotlout my boy did you really just say “who died and made yout Chief” because too soon, I still love you

Low key thought they were gunna make Snotlout and Eret a thing, despite the weird flirting Snotlout had with Valka. I mean he was trying to be taller than Eret, and Eret was like hah no, yall id ship it ngl eret and snotlout

Toothless meeting up with the light fury again, but this time trusting his instincts is another reminder that toothless is in fact an animal, a very intelligent animal, but an animal who has instincts and a desire to be with his own kind, I mean can you blame him? Its been at least 6 years since hes seen another dragon that was like him, maybe even longer depending on how long he was alone before he met hiccup.

The throw back to the forbidden friendship scene? With toothless drawing in the sand, and oh God I never thought I would get so emotional about sand but dang that sand animation just was so realistic that I wanted to touch it. Hiccup being like “wow now you can draw”, Toothless growling at the light fury like he did to Hiccup back in the first for stepping on his art, come on guys Toothless worked hard on his art! The light fury flying away but toothless not being able to follow her, another throwback to when he couldnt fly with the dragons during the snoggletog special.

Hiccup making toothless a tail to fly alone, and Im glad they added the part when Astrid said they tried it before, again throwback to snoggletog, and that he didnt want the tail, and Hiccup clarifying that it was because he had no need to fly alone before. Now my only worry here is that the casual fan will just think that the exchange is a copout, I mean unless you remember the special you wouldnt know that they tired making him a tail fin and he didnt want it, so to the casual fan it might seem like they only added the comment to answer the question “If hiccup could make a tail fin why did he never do it before?”. Seeing the special where toothless destroys the tail really adds a layer of depth to the scene, because those of us who saw it remember that it was a statement that even though Hiccup had the ability to create a tail so toothless could fly alone, toothless wanted to fly with his best friend and didnt care for the tail.

now the actual scene with toothless flying alone finding the light fury, first off it was so cute how he showed her his new tail! He was so proud of it, and no doubt proud of his best friend for making it. The scene itself though reminded me so much of the romantic flight, the way they flew together above the clouds and how it gave a sense of flight because we couldnt see the ground, ugg it was so beautiful. I was honestly blown away by the animation, the clouds and the color, they were all so beautiful. Toothless and the light fury flying together and really bonding, similar to Astrid and Hiccup on their first flight together, ugg all the throwbacks to the first movie really killed me. Also Toothless trying to copy the light fury and how she goes invisible was so cute, he was like “ah yes I got this, wait no shit again, no shit again again!” then he basically summons thors power of lighting and finds his new power, so proud of my baby.

Now I fully believe that Toothless was going to go back to Hiccup after he spent time with the light fury in the hidden world, no way my boy would leave my other boy without a goodbye. But the other started to freak Hiccup out, I mean Hiccup knew his best friend would come back, but the others made him doubt it and seeing him freak out was heart breaking.

Astrid being like boy hop on we gonna get yo dragon, yes girl. Honestly them going into the hidden world on Stormfly? I mean need i say anything about the animation in this scene? The visuals were just breath taking, I cannot put it into words. Tootheless being the alpha is always a win, also Astrid calling him a king and Hiccup realizing that this beautiful place of dragons, is not place for humans, because Valka said it best, greedy humans ruin everything.

Hiccup and Astrid getting caught by a dragon and then going on a fun slide ride, and of course toothless comes through as the alpha to protect his humans, ALSO STORMFLY DONT THINK I FORGOT ABOUT HER, CUZ YES. I mean just like toothless Stormyfly will protect her human best friend, and I love her.

How did I forget the next raid scene? I mean dang again the visuals and the lighting were just so spot on. Them all getting trapped? Valka being a badass and working with Cloudjumper to save them? Hiccup jumping and just escaping the clutches of Grimmels dragon? RUFFNUT

Ruffnut my girl dont think I forgot about you, I just I dont even know what to do with you. She was amazing, I mean shes just does not care, not scared that shes a prisoner, she fricking just talks about how ‘hot’ she is and just other random stuff about her life, like girl give me that confidence. But when she talked about the island i was like girl no dont do that, but her flying back and saying she doenst look back in response to being asked about being followed was pretty darn funny.

Bro the scene of the light fury and toothless getting captured? Toothless protecting her and telling the other dragons to stand down, at least until they can escape. Just heart breaking, help is so close, but I guess thats the downside of being the alpha, having that power can be used against you.

Astrid my girl, pep talking my boy Hiccup JUST LIKE THE FIRST MOVIE. And yes parallels again, just like in the first one Astrid said things to hiccup, she was very honest with him pointing out the things that had done wrong, the first pointing out how messy the situation got because of the lies, and in this movie pointing out how he constantly doubts himself, and in both Hiccup has a sassy comment regarding her pep talks, but Astrid always follows up with the good, like how he was the first viking to ride a dragon or how he was always brave, even without toothless, showing how she would always be by his side to support him and help him, especially when hes about to do something stupid. I just ugg they are couple goals, they dont even need to say I love you because they SHOW IT in their actions, in their support for eachother, their cute banters, and I am here for it. ALSO I MEAN HE KISSED HER HAIR EARLY AND THEN HER FOREHEAD THOSE ARE SO CUTE TO ME AND JUST SO NATURAL FOR THEM AHHH. Also “so what are you gunna do about it” “probably something stupid” YES YES YES I AM HERE FOR THAT SHIT

Everyone jumping off the island so they can ‘fly’ on their own, just first off so visually amazing, and second off so symbolic to me of each of them spreading their own wings and growing up into amazing people.

Fishlegs and his baby dragon, I mean come on lets be real that shit is adorable, and baby dragon had his big dragon (does that dragon have a class name? because I dont remember it) friend and Fishlegs be like dont mess with baby dragon.

Yooo I knew it, from the trailer I was like “Tuffnut is probs pissed that this dude cut off his hair beard” and boom it happned, but rip hair beard (until the end of the movie that is when it comes back)

Yall that unspoken scene where Hiccup and Astrid are just frickin shit up WHILE THEY JUST LOOK AT EACHOTHER, I MEAN HICCUP JUST CASUALLY THROWS SHIT TO START A FIRE AND THE ENTIRE TIME THEY ARE STARING AT EACHOTHER HAVE A CONVERSATION COMPLETELY WITH THEIR EYES LIKE THAT IS SOME NEXT LEVEL SHIT AND COUPLE GOALS.

I got such satisfaction out of Toothless destroying grimmels arrow shoter thing and watching as Grimmel started to get afraid, I mean this dude was so confident in his abilites, and up until now he has had the upper hand, but then you can see the “oh shit moment” as he realizes he is starting to lose and heck yea im here for it. Speaking of oh shit moments, when hiccup was riding toothless and they wer getting attacked? and then toothless is like “I SUMMON YOU THOR AND YOUR LIGHTING” and hiccup was like WTH?!!??!?!?

Ok yall that scene when toothless got shot, and hiccup is hanging from the light fury with grimmel on his leg? I mean Grimmel really thought that he had won, he underestimated the love Hiccup has for Toothless, and the moment that Hiccup told the light fury to save Toothless and he let go? the hesitation she had trying to pick who to save? her new mate, or his best friend that she now seems to understand has a great important meaning to toothless? The image of Hiccup falling, and the camera angle? I mean seeing him fall from above, seeing it in his face that he was content, content knowing that his best friend would be alive and safe and that Grimmel would no longer be able to hurt the dragons or his people? Such a self sacrifice, a true Chief just like his father.

Then the light fury to the rescue! Hiccup being like LOL BYE GRIMMLE YOU DEAD. Also reminded me of when he started to ride toothless back in the first movie and they fell and hiccup got back on his back and in control just in time, because dang she saved him his butt just before he hit the water. But seriously I loved this scene, she went back for hiccup, she saw the interactions Toothless had with him, how Toothless protected him and Astrid in the hidden world, how Toothless CHOSE HICCUP when he saw him in danger in the hidden world, she came to realize that this boy is important to Toothless, and she saw that Hiccup was willing to die for Toothless, and she went back and saved him, and God I got emotional.

Also Hiccup leaning on Astrid because he has lost his prostectic leg, yessss im here for it

NOW TO THE REAL TEAR JERKER I mean gosh you could just see the realization again in Hiccup that the dragons didnt belong with them on Berk, that even though they love the dragons and the dragons love them, even though they have worked together for years and they want to live together in peace they just cant do it safely.There are too many people out in the world who would attack berk, and we have seen that both in the movies and the show, and that puts both the people and the dragons at risk.

It was safest for everyone if the dragons went to the hidden world, where no one could find them, well expect Hiccup and Astrid who have been there once. I just cant though, that scene was just so amazing and heart crushing. I mean you can see it that Toothless doesnt want to leave his best friend, and Hiccup doenst want him to leave, but he reassures him that its ok that its best for everyone and that its time to say good bye for now, not forever though. Then oh God how Astrid follows him, because she knows hes right too, she knows that they can no longer live with their dragons safely, and she takes off Stormflys saddle and says good bye to her best friend. THEN VALKA who has lived with the dragons for 20 years, she knows too and she doenst hesitate to let Cloudjumper go free, and it made so much sense to me that she was so willing to do so even after being together for 20 years, she has protected them for 20 years so there is no doubt in my mind that Valka would do this without a second though if it meant that was the best thing for her friend. THEN OMG EVERYONE ELSE FOLLOWS THAT JUST HURT SO MUCH. I mean ever single Berkian seens what Hiccup did, and everyone knows they have a special bond, I mean they all have a special bond with their dragons, but Hiccup and Toothless are different, they were the only pair that we know of that needed each other to fly, I mean sure the other vikings needed their dragons to fly but their dragons didnt need them to fly, toothless relied on hiccup to control his tail and that bond is so special. Anyway, I just thought that all the others saw Hiccup doing this, and hes their Chief the man who started the whole riding dragons for them, so I have no doubt in my mind that they would follow his lead, and again to me they see Hiccup and Toothless doing this letting go, so they must think “If these two can do it so can I”. I just really think it shows how much the vikings truly care for their dragon friends, when you love someone you want the best for them, you want them to be happy, even if that means you need to say goodbye. And thats what happened here the vikings loved their dragons so much that they were willing to say goodbye to their friends if it meant that they would be save, and the same goes in the other direction, the dragons are not dumb and I believe they knew that leaving is what was best too, that leaving meant that their viking friends would be safer. The love they all have for each other is so amazing. I only wish that the goodbye was long, I am so bad at goodbyes and omg I just wish they had a longer time to say goodbye, not only to their dragons but to the others as well, I mean toothless saying goodbye to Astrid and Stormfly too Hiccup? uG I SUCK AT GOOD BYWS OK I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO BE ABLE TO SAY GOOD BYE TO ALL THE DRAGONS.

But man i said to myself ‘you can do it dont cry’ didnt work, I sobbed, legit sobbed, and it wasnt my normal movie cry were its just tears, it was the kind where you can feel the pain in your chest from your heart beating to hard, from trying to hold back the chocked sobs so no one else would get annoyed, although lets be real they are did the same thing so we all cried. Seeing them all fly off, AND THE REVERSE HAND TOUCH I CANNOT, THAT REALLY HURT I JUST COULDNT TAKE IT THE PARALLELS REALLY KILLED ME THE ENTIR MOVIE. Then Toothlesses look back at Hiccup, and then the long shot and seeing the massive wave of dragons, and then seening toothless following from the back as he is the last to leave, the vikings looking on with sadness and fondness for their dragons, really did come for my heart.

NOW ONTO HAPPY TIMES. the Wedding, oh my god, how lucky can a girl be? I got to see the mother of all my OTPs get married, and dang they were beautiful, and they looked so happy, it just warmed my heart to know that these two dorks who truly have a special relationship finally got married. Then Gobber called them Chief and Chiefstriss and wow really hit me hard that these two were going to lead Berk together, because they are always there to support each other. THEN that kiss so cute, and how Hiccup goes to gently cup her face with his hands, just wow my otp is the best.

Then we again have love master Tuffnut who will take Snotlout as his new student, and FISHLEGS HAS A LITTLE BABY GRUNKLE STUFFED ANIMAL IN HIS BAG. aND RUFF being like “you win i love sensitive guys” Then we have Hiccup and Astrid looking out to the sea as their friends and family come together with them, and Astrid lays her head on his shoulder so great.

Now dang my boy HICCUP WITH A BEARD??? BEARDCUP IS REAL, and he is wearing his fur cap, and Astrid looking like a frickin QUEEN, and AGAIN HOW LUCKY CAN A GIRL BE I SEE A WEDDING AND I GET CHILDREN????? MY OTP HAS TWO CHILDREN???? AND THEY ARE GORGEOUS.

buT DANG when they saw Toothless through the fog and then the light fury and then the little baby heads pop up, and you can see how happy Hiccup is. But Toothless doenst immediatly recognize him, which makes sense because I mean 10 year for humans can change the looks drastically, and hiccup has a beard now so he doenst look like what toothless remembered, plus hes the alpha and must protect his family. Astrid protecting her children like a frickin badass mom, and Zephry hidding behind her mom and Nuffink going into her chest? Ug love it, they trust their mom to protec them, and I love this to because it really shows that they are children, I mean I have no doubt that Astrid and Hiccup are going to raise them to be brave, I mean its Hiccup and Astrid, but they are still children and well they have grown in a world without dragons, different than their parents, we know at that age Astrid was fearless, I mean she wanted to fight a flightmare, but now the world has changed and they arent at war and they can raise their kids as kids, and I love that they showed that fear in the children it just gave a sense of realism to me.

Then HIccup DID THE THING with the hand and Toothless finally was like “WAIT THIS IS MY HUMAN” and his eyes went big and omg how he attacked him with kisses and licks. Then Astrids laugh to see them reunite, and them urging their kids that it was ok, and remember before when I said they would raise brave kids? Well this little cuties were afraid, but they still listened and trusted their parents, and omg Zephry was so stiff from fear and her face, and Nuffink was hiding his face, but Hiccup came and showed them how to approach Toothless, and wow here we go again with the hand touch and HIccup telling them to let him come to them, and Toothless did the thing AND OMG THEIR REACTION WAS SO CUTE. The way Zephry cocked her head and smiled, and how Nuffink dropped his hand from his face and his mouth widened in awe of his dragon.

THEN I GET TO SEE HICCUP WITH HIS SON RIDING TOOHTLESS? AND HIS SOON IS JUST MAKING THE CUTEST LITTLE WAVING MOTIONS WITH HIS HANDS. And hiccup throwing his kid in the air as he giggles in delight, and I swear I heard him say “Dada” and it killed me. Then Astrid being Astrid flys right passed them ON STORMFLY, like thank you for not forgetting about my girl, because she loves Stormfly and Stormfly loves her and seeing Astrid ride her with her daughter just made the scene even better. They could have easily forgotten about my girl, but they didnt, they didnt do her dirty, I may not have gotten to see the moment when she and Stormfly met again, BUT I SAW THEY RIDING TOGETHER AND THATS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

Oh yea bonus points for seeing the light fury and the babies flying with them. Then Hiccup just flys upside down dropping Nuffink on Astrids head, and ug the way he just casually clings to his mother, then I was like wow I hope Zephry gets to ride Toothless with he father, AND THEN HE PULLED UP NEXT TO THEM AND HELD OUT HIS HAND TO DO JUST THAT, dreamworks you really came through for me, thank you so much for allowing Dead and all the other hard workers of this franchise make this amazing world for us. It tore my heart apart, but I loved every second of it, and I have no regrets, it was honestly a great ending,no matter how badly it hurt and how badly I wanted them to live together forever, it was just the perfect ending with a great lesson about letting go and moving on, becoming your own person, and being happy with the memories you had, because being able to say you loved something or someone and letting them go is better than never loving them at all, thats what happend to the vikings and dragons, and thats what happened to me personally at the end of it all. I cant wait to relive the magic and watch all the movies again.

oh how could I forget? The end credits, you thought the pain ended with the end of the movie nope the credits are going to give you every major scene from each movie, reminding us where we started and where we have come to, and that was just the cherry on top of it all.

Also side note a girl sat behind me and she goes “is that a toothless plushie?” and yes it was so she asked to see it so i handed him to her and we started talking about the movie, she was able to see it during an early release boo i had work. Anyway she asks me how old i was when the first came out, and I said 16, she seemed shook and i asked her the same, she said she was 5, so if math does me right she would be about 14/15. I was older than she is currently is when the first movie came out, thats wild. Then i laughed off the age difference saying “you would never know ill be 25 in a week”, and her (i assume) mom said I looked young haha. But because of the age difference I gave her some good life advice, I told her not to care about what others think of you, Im almost 25 crying over a dragon movie that means the world to me as i sit with my dragon plushie, and her mom just agreed with me and told her to listen to me because I knew what I was saying haha. Shout out to this girl too because shes the one who told me that Hiccup and Astrids’s kids had cannon names, I had been avoiding everything I could about this movie so I was glad to be up to date on that.

Wow this took me like 2 hours to write i think? I mean yea it was mostly for me to read later in life so I can remember this day, all the photos i took before hand, and all the excitement I had, wow Hi future me! Sorry about all the grammar mistakes but Im just typing as the thoughts come, hope I didnt break your heart again as you read all this. Until next time

#httyd 3 #httyd3 #how to train your dragon the hidden world #httyd #VERY LONG POST #personal #this is literally just for me to read later #and im tagging it just so i can find it later in life

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hannah-khoury-deserves-better · 5 years

Text

Take Me Home Chapter 2

Summary: Hannah gets some unexpected news and she and Tammy have to figure out their new reality.

Words: 2641

Warnings: none

Pairings: Hannah Khoury/Tammy Gregorio, Tammy Gregorio/Sebastian Lund (Friendship) Hannah Khoury/Jack Sloane (Friendship), Jack Sloane/Leon Vance, others to be added.

Note: Jack calls Hannah Solo, this is due to the fact that Jack is a Star Wars fan, and decided that Hannah could be shortened to Han, then it became Han Solo, finally ending on Solo, Hannah just goes with it as she worries about what else Jack would come up with.

Rule 4

Hannah was still in a state of shock. She walked back into her living room, her mind going a million miles an hour. She laid down on the floor in front of her couch before her tablet started blaring ‘Unstoppable’ by Sia. That was Jack’s ringtone.

Flailing out, she grabbed it and answered Jack’s FaceTime.

“Hey. Are you laying on the floor?” Jack said as her face appeared on the tablet, her face framed by dark paint.

“Yes. It's been an interesting day for me.” Hannah said with her arm draped over her face.

“Okay, Han Solo, what's wrong? You look like you’re about to get sick.” Jack commented, growing concerned for her friend.

“You know how we used to joke about what's the best day to find out your pregnant with your ex’s baby?” Hannah asked.

“Uh yeah I remember that, and the tequila that got us to that conversation. Why?”

“Oh, OH, OH MY GOD Hannah. How long?” Jack’s eyes went wide as she processed Hannah's words.

“I had sex with my ex-husband once in two years. And suddenly I'm six weeks pregnant. And yes I know it's his. He's the only man I've been with.” Hannah said, raising her hand up in the air.

“You didn't have sex for two years?” Jack asked.

“Really? That's what you concentrate on? Wait that's not your apartment. Where are you?” Hannah hummed, cracking one eye open and peering at the screen.

“I'm at Leon’s. Thank you very much for asking. Or maybe I painted my apartment.”

“When I stayed with you, you had lived there for almost a year, you hadn't even unpacked almost anything, but yet I drooled on your pillows and that was bad. Tammy doesn't mind when I drool on hers.”

“Well, Tammy has to not say anything if she wants to get laid. I do not.” Jack laughed.

“Wait let's go back a step here. ‘Leon’ as in Leon Vance, the director of NCIS? That's still a thing?”

Jack rolled her eyes, leaning back against the wall in the bay window, “Yes we are still a thing.”

Hannah snickered and Jack shot her a glare.“Stop snickering, Solo.”

“I thought we talked about the nickname thing.” Hannah groaned as she sat up.

“You talked. I just drank your whiskey,” Jack teased as she took a sip of wine.

“But you and Leon, this is your longest relationship since Lara isn't it?” Hannah asked.

“Yes, when Lara died I thought I lost my chance at happiness but Leon he makes me forget that sharp pain.” Jack said giving Hannah a long look “But back to you and your pregnancy. What are you going to do? I mean are you keeping the baby? Have you told Ryan yet?”

“Okay I found out all of thirty minutes ago, and you're the only one that knows so far. And really?!”

“You know I wanted a sibling for Naomi, but I had seven miscarriages.”

“Wait, seven? I thought you had six miscarriages?” Jack asked, giving her longtime friend a concerned look.

“Two before Naomi, five afterward the last one was when Lara died. You had enough grief over her mother not letting you come to her funeral. You didn't need mine, that miscarriage was the last straw for Ryan and I. We just didn't know it till two years ago.” Hannah said as she looked down, one hand ghosting over her abdomen.

“Hannah you should have told me, baby, I would have been there. All I did was drink myself silly with the LA team, listening to them talk about ‘Mace’ like they knew her better than me.” Jack said, her voice soft and sad.

“Did they even know Lara was gay, Jack? Let alone who you were to her? You know she wasn't really out since her mom said all that stuff about you two.”

“I know, trust me I know, it just hurts,” Jack said, turning her head to the right with her eyes closed.

“What about you. How are you feeling about the new baby?”

“I want this baby Jack, but I'm terrified that I'll lose it. I'm afraid that Tammy will leave me when she finds out. I'm afraid of what Ryan will do to me.” Hannah looked away.

“Naomi’s reaction, I mean I've been back in her life for six weeks and now I'm pregnant and dating someone, not her own father? And my new team at NCIS? I'm just getting accepted.” Hannah stared at Jack, nervously.

“I forgot how much you rant when you’re nervous.” Jack laughed, “Not as bad as you did when you came out as bisexual to me, but then again you were drunk.” Ignoring the glare Hannah shot at her.

“And yes telling your subordinate girlfriend that you're pregnant by your ex is going to be awkward, but you need to tell her. Maybe she wants a baby, and if she breaks up with you. I'll kill her for you.” Jack said with a shrug.

“Please don't kill my girlfriend. But thanks, Jack. You need to get down here at some point.”

“Make me godmother Solo!” Jake hollered out as she ended the call.

Hannah shook her head, a soft laugh leaving her lips. She headed for her bed pausing to look down at her abdomen and then rested her palms against her stomach.

“I love you little one.”

----

Sebastian looked up as Tammy came back into their living room, dressed in a hoodie and sweatpants. She was carrying a bottle of tequila and a set of shot glasses in her hands.

“If we're doing this about me and Hannah, I'm not doing it sober.” She said pointing the bottle at him.

Sebastian nodded and pulled the coffee table over, and grabbed the glasses and poured two shots out. “So you and Hannah have been seeing each other for six weeks.”

“After the bank case ended, she texted me that night, said she had heard about it, wanted to know if I was okay.” Tammy said running her finger around the rim of the glass “ I asked her how it was going for her, she said her ex had finally signed the divorce papers. So I asked her out for a drink.”

Sebastian took his shot and then refilled it, “That's it. That's how you got our boss in bed with you. Wait, does this mean the person I've been hearing you have sex with is Hannah?”

Tammy did two shots in quick succession “Yes, she's been here a few times, I've only been able to convince her to stay a few times. I've been to her place, stayed the night a couple of times.” She said as she poured the alcohol in her glass.

“How does it work with work? I mean she's our boss and now your girlfriend.”

“We have rules, we don't do anything at the office or anything like that. Outside of work we're just a couple, we don't really discuss work that much, but it works.” Tammy said, looking over at him, her glass held between two fingers before doing three shots and refilling her glass once more.

Sebastian leaned forward and whispered. “Who tops the most?”

Tammy shot him a look “Really? And Hannah mostly, I mean before I normally would, but here she prefers to, and I'm okay with it. She lets me top as well on occasion so it all works.”

“Huh, that makes sense.” Sebastian then shot her a look.

“Why didn't you tell me before?”

“She was worried. A boss and a subordinate is normally a relationship that's not smiled upon in NCIS. And I wanted it to be mine.” Tammy looked down, getting a bit woozy. The alcohol was hitting her,

“I want her to be mine before anybody else. Without anyone or anything damaging it and us.”

Sebastian gave a soft smile, “You’re falling in love with her, aren't you?”

“Shut up.”

“Yeah but it’s so cliche.” Sebastian chuckled.

Tammy shook her head “I fell for her the day I meet her, the day I kissed her is when I knew it though.”

Sebastian smiled as she recapped the tequila bottle, collecting the shot glasses as he moved into their kitchen “I'm glad for you. I think you two could be very good for each other.”

“Thank you, baby,” Tammy whispered as she disappeared into her room.

---

Hannah groaned as her phone started blaring, having not slept much that night, her newly discovered pregnancy having kept her up for the past few nights.

She answered the phone hearing Sebastian on the other side “What do we got Sebastian?”

“Ok text me the address.” As she finished getting ready, Hannah dropped her hands over her abdomen, “please baby, don't make me sick at the crime scene, please.”

---

As Tammy walked up she could see Wade sitting at the bodies, with Sebastian twittering about her, with Lasalle taking photos.

“Hey, where's Hannah?”

Chris looked up and pointed towards the building “She's talking to the guy that found ‘em, she’ll be back in a sec.”

“I'm back now. Alright, what do we got Loretta?” Hannah said as she walked up. Tammy let her eyes track over Hannah's face, not seeing anything to explain the last few days.

Loretta sighed, “We have Senior Chief Petty Officer James Shal, from the Chinook. He's been tortured and sliced into as well. His message is different though than Sims. It says, ‘The curse begun, but soon they'll see, the buried truth shall end with me.’ And then the symbol again.”

Tammy looked over at Hannah as Loretta spoke, noting that her breathing had changed, she was taking long slow breaths, and one hand was rubbing circles on her lower abdomen.

Loretta then turned to the other body flicking the sheet off, “As for this poor soul, we don't have an ID yet. The killer skinned them, Sebastian will have to run DNA, I'll run dental records. But we know they are navy, they have Ensign bands on.”

As soon as Hannah saw the second body, her stomach flipped and she threw herself out of the tape, before promptly losing her stomach contents on the ground.

Loretta looked over at Tammy and asked quietly “Is Hannah ok? I've never seen her get sick at a scene before.”

Tammy just shook her head, “I don't know Doc, I don't know.”

As Hannah tipped her head back, certain that her puking was done for now at least, groaning and cursing at the little one inside of her body for not listening to her.

She turned back to the team, who were all giving her concerned looks. “I had Naomi last week, probably got something from her.” She said lightly.

“Loretta, Sebastian we need an ID on the other body as fast as possible.”

Turning to Tammy and Chris,“ Gregorio track down Clark's ex, maybe he's connected and Lasalle, look into the company that Clark was making payments too.”

---

The monitor beeped in the bullpen, and Chris clicked the button “Hey, Ms. Loretta. Got us something?”

“Hello Christopher, yes, I've got something. But where are Tammy and Hannah?” Loretta said with a nod. She was standing in the morgue in her scrubs, her cap was blue with yellow waves on it.

“Gregorio’s gettin’ coffee and Hannah's somewhere. She's been acting weird these last few days.” Chris shook his head, concerned for his team leader.

“Hannah has been acting strange for a few days?” Loretta said her face was worried for Hannah.

Tammy walked in with a cup of coffee, Hannah following behind her. Hannah's left hand resting on her abdomen her thumb stroking over it slowly, Loretta raised an internal eyebrow at the sight.

“Ah good, here's the entire team. We've got an ID on the other victim. He is Ensign Davis Rull. He is the half brother of Petty Officer Damon Sims. They started skinning him while he was still alive.” Loretta shook her head, before gesturing to the body on the table.

“Senior Chief Petty Officer James Shal was killed in an identical manner to Sims, but one difference, he bit the person who attacked him. Sebastian’s running the DNA now.”

Sebastian burst into the lab, tripping over his feet. “I've got a match, Thomas Finch, son of David Finch. And Thomas Finch is friends with Adam Tham. Who was dating Regan Clark until six months ago.”

Hannah nodded “Okay. Gregorio, look into Tham and Lasalle, keep looking at David Finch. I'll look at Thomas Finch.” She then turned back to the screen her hand still resting on her stomach.

“Sebastian try and find something that tells us where this guy is. We need to stop them.”

---

Sebastian walked into the squad room “I've got something. Shal had clay stuck in his cuffs.” Grabbing the remote and bringing up a map. “But this mud had some strange things in it, it had a glass with green lead in it. The green lead was used to give glass its colors back before the nineties.”

“Sebastian. Get to the point baby.” Tammy called out from her desk.

“Right, there is an old glass manufacturing plant, on the banks of Lake Pontchartrain.”

“Also close to the rumored location of the Crystal Cove,” Hannah said as she stood. “Okay let's go. Gear up.”

---

Standing between the cars outside the glass factory, they all looked over each other as they tightened the straps on the Kevlar they wore under their NCIS uniforms.

“Alright, Lasalle you’re with me. Looks like two points of entry.” Hannah said as she adjusted her earpiece. “We’ll take the side one and flush him towards the main one.”

Turning to Tammy and Sebastian “You two go to the main entrance and get him when he runs.”

The team nodded and Tammy and Sebastian headed to their spot. Once they arrived at the place. Tammy took position with the shotgun she was carrying.

“Alright Hannah we’re in position,” Sebastian said as he keyed his mike.

“Going in” came over in reply.

“Thomas Finch, NCIS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!” Chris yelled.

“Ok heading your way guys!” Hannah said.

As Thomas Finch broke out into the Louisiana sunlight he froze.

Sebastian walked behind him and began cuffing him as Tammy read off his charges. “Thomas Finch you are under arrest for the murders of James Shal, Damon Sims, Regan Clark, and Davis Rull. You have the right to remain silent.”

As Chris and Hannah rounded the corner, Tammy noticed that they had evidence bags with them.

“Got ourselves, a knife that matches the wounds, and a fake piece of crystal as well as a list of names they were going after,” Chris explained.

---

As Tammy walked out of headquarters she noticed Hannah on the phone and walked over towards her girlfriend hearing only the last part of her conversation.

“Yes, eight am, yes a blood test, and a scan. Thank you. Yes, see you tomorrow.” Hannah said as she hung up the phone.

“Everything okay?” Tammy asked as she stopped next to her.

“Yeah fine, just a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning,” Hannah replied as she stepped closer, brushing her hair back from her eyes.

Tammy hummed in agreement pulling Hannah against her “you have Naomi tonight right?”

“Yeah, I do.” Hannah nodded “Ryan’s out of town so I have her for a few days.”

She said as she wrapped her arms around Tammy.

“So should I kiss you now then?” Tammy asked with a soft laugh.

“Yes,” Hannah said as she gave Tammy a soft kiss and Tammy deepened it before they broke apart.

“We should probably stop before anyone else sees,” Tammy whispered.

“Yeah, I'll text you later.” Hannah chuckled as she walked over to her car. Tammy laughed and headed to the TruTone where Sebastian and Chris were waiting.

#ncis nola #ncis #ncis new orleans #ncis new orleans fanfiction #tammy gregorio x hannah khoury #hannah khoury #tammy gregorio #chris lasalle #sebastian lund #loretta wade #jack sloane #jack sloane x leon vance #fluff #angst #nola team #khourgorio

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buckyandsteeb · 7 years

Text

Real and Not Real

Summary: After the engagement is broke off, Blaine feels worthless and completely alone. He attempts suicide. This is the story of the healing of a relationship and fighting depression. Warning: Suicide Attempt, Hospitalization, OCD!Kurt, Depressed!Blaine, Anxiety

FF / Ao3

THIS FIC STARTS WITH A SUICIDE SCENE. DO NOT READ IF THAT IS A TRIGGER.

I am happy to tag triggers, so if I haven't tagged it feel free to tell me so that I can.

I'll admit as someone who is bipolar, A lot of Blaine's thoughts are also some I have.

This fic was beta'd by @justasmallbloginabigklainefandom

Prompt: After the engagement is broke off. Blaine lost his father for proposing to Kurt in the first place. His mom has to work twice as much as she used to in order to keep the house. Blaine feels worthless and alone and attempts suicide. Kurt finds him in the bathroom and sings "Your Eyes" to him from Rent. It's up to you if Blaine survives or not

Life had been hard on Blaine since the day Kurt Hummel shattered his heart into tiny little irreparable pieces. He’d been promised forever with him, but apparently Kurt hadn’t felt it worth it to be with Blaine. He didn’t blame him, Blaine knew he wasn’t worth it. He just hadn’t expected Kurt to realize it as well.

It had been a few months since that fateful night, and Blaine really had nothing to show for it. He’d been kicked out of NYADA when his grade slipped, meaning he could no longer stay in the dorms. He’d left New York within days of learning that news. New York had nothing left for him now that his short career as a Musical Theatre Major was gone, and he no longer had a fiance

He was back in Lima now. Nothing here seemed appealing here either. He’d almost gone to Dalton to see about a job, but he’d realised on the way that stepping foot in Dalton would be much too painful. Instead he went to Scandals with his fake ID and got drunk in the middle of the afternoon.

He’d mostly stuck to home after that. He vaguely remembered someone trying to take advantage of him and even if he kind of hated himself, he couldn’t bring himself to let anyone touch him. His heart, mind and body belonged with Kurt, whether he liked it or not.

Kurt. He heard that he was back in town. God knows what for. He hoped it wasn’t his dad. Kurt had enough bad things happened to him in his life, he didn’t need his dad sick again.

It didn’t matter. Whatever was happening wasn’t Blaine’s business anymore.

Soon Blaine’s business would be over anyway.

He was just a sore on everyone else’s life. His mom having to work two jobs just to keep up their lifestyle. Cooper probably ashamed of him for coming back home instead of making it on his own. His father, he’d left his mother when Blaine had stupidly proposed to Kurt. And what good was that? He’d torn apart his family and he didn’t even have a husband to show for it. And Kurt… just existing was a sore on Kurt’s life. He was always so annoying for Kurt.

He’d end it now before he could mess anything else up.

Everything was ready. A bath drawn. A straight razor sitting on the side, ready to be used. A bulky suicide note sitting on the sink.

It had taken awhile to figure out who to even address it to. Then he’d realized all the mistakes he need to apologize for. He’d written over ten pages before he forced himself to stop. He didn’t need to remind people of every mistake he’d made for them to know he was sorry for it. Sorry for being such a stain on their lives.

Blaine stripped out of his outer clothes, leaving a few articles on. He didn’t want to disturb whoever found him with his fat thighs and bulging stomach. He headed over to the tub, but stopped when a sudden urge hit him.

He turned around, picking up his phone and dialed Kurt’s number wanting to leave a voicemail to say goodbye. Instead he froze in shock as it was picked up after only two rings.

“Blaine!” Kurt answered happily. “I thought I was going to have to end up talking to you through Rachel.” Kurt voice changed to confusion when Blaine didn’t respond. “Blaine? Are you there?”

Blaine hung up the phone, dropping it back onto the sink where it started ringing repeatedly. Blaine backed away from it, his breathing starting to get shallow as he waited for it stop. It kept ringing, until finally a pause, and then the tone signalled he had a voicemail.

Blaine looked from the bath to his phone, conflicted. After a minute or so of thought, he decided to listen to the message, hearing Kurt’s voice for the last time wouldn’t hurt.

He called his voicemail.

“Blaine, I know you’re probably still mad at me. I’m sorry. I really am.”

Another message.

“Blaine, if you didn’t want to talk to me, why did you even call?”

And another surprisingly.

“I’m a little concerned. If you didn’t want to talk to me, you’d just reject the call. But I don’t think you’re doing that.”

The phone started ringing again against Blaine’s ear and he dropped it in shock. The phone answered itself on speaker as it fell against the sink.

“Blaine?” Kurt’s voice rang out in concern.

Blaine sniffled as he finally realized he was sobbing.

“Is that you, honey?”

Blaine backed up putting his hands over his mouth. He let out a loud noise of shock when he backed up too far, falling backwards into the bath tub. Water splashed all over the bathroom floor as his head collided with the wall. He let out a noise of pain as blood started streaming down his face. His vision went black.

“Blaine?!”

“Your eyes

As we said our goodbyes

Can't get them out of my mind

And I find I can't hide from

Your eyes”

Blaine slowly came back to consciousness to the noise of an angel singing. Was he finally dead?

“The ones that took me by surprise

The night you came into my life

Where there's moonlight

I see your eyes

How'd I let you slip away

When I'm longing so to hold you

Now I'd die for one more day”

Blaine’s heart went out to the sad angel sobbing as he sang. He seemed so heartbroken, Blaine just wanted to fix all his problems so the angel never had a reason to be sad again.

“'Cause there's something I should've have told you Yes, there's something I should've have told you When I looked into your eyes Why does distance make us wise? You were the song all along And before the song dies I should tell you, I should tell you

I have always loved you

You can see it in my eyes”

Blaine suddenly became aware of something clutching his body tightly. He groaned wiggling and heard the angel gasp.

“Blaine? Oh god, Blaine come on. Please wake up. Please honey, I’m so sorry baby. Come on sweetheart, come back to me.” He felt the angel gently stroke his cheek as it begged. It sounded like Kurt’s voice, but that couldn’t be right. Kurt hated him.

Blaine blinked, opened his eyes, and spit out a bunch of water that must have gotten into his lungs when he fell into the bathtub.

“Oh honey.” The angel exclaimed in happy disbelief, hugging him closer. “God Blaine, I was so scared!”

Blaine finally opened his eyes, wincing at the bright light. “Am I dead yet?”

His body was suddenly shoved away, Blaine caught himself quickly. “No!” The person he still hadn’t identified told him angrily “What the hell, Blaine! Why would you try to- to.”

Blaine blinked again until he could finally make out the person. Kurt. It was Kurt, his eyes puffy with the tears that were flowing non stop as he paced back and forth.

“What are you doing here?” He asked dumbly

“What am I- What. Blaine! You tried to kill yourself!” Kurt’s arms flailed wildly, Blaine noticed he was holding his goodbye note in his hand.

Blaine threw his head back miserably. “Yeah, apparently I can’t even do that right.”

“Why?” Kurt asked desperately

“Stupidity mostly, I guess. I mean who trips over a bathtub?”

“I thought you- you were.” Kurt cut off, putting his head in his hands as another round of sobs hit.

“I’m fine.” Blaine rolled his eyes

“You are far from fine, Blaine Devon Anderson!” Kurt accused “I- you were unconscious in an overflowing bathtub!”

“Well sorry I’m so useless! I can’t even kill myself properly!” Blaine clenched his hands, annoyed.

Kurt cried harder. “You need to get some help, Blaine.”

“Go away. I don't know what you're doing here in Ohio. But I don't need your pity.” Blaine told him meanly. “We both know you hate me. Let me just finish what I was doing and you can go back to whatever amazing life you have that you don't want me in!”

“Honey, I don't hate you” Kurt stopped his pacing and pulled Blaine close to him. “I could never hate you. I love you so much, Blaine.”

“Well you certainly have an odd way of showing it.” Blaine said sarcastically, not believing a word Kurt said. He pushed Kurt's hands away and crossed his arms over his stomach protectively.

“I- I know.” Kurt admitted shame showing all over his face. “I’m seeing a therapist about it.”

“Oh and now you think you’re an expert?” Blaine rudely responded. “In case you haven’t noticed the world will be a better place without me in it.”

“That is a lie and we both know it, Blaine Devon Anderson.” Kurt said annoyed. No one was allowed to talk about Blaine like that, even Blaine.

“Oh really? Because I can’t think of a single reason I benefit. I’m just a fat annoying college dropout with no job who lives with his mother. And eventually everyone sees that.” Blaine accused

“Is that really how you see yourself” Kurt asked, wiping away a tear from his eye. “Because the way I see it is you're incredibly attractive, the most interesting man in the country, full of so much love, you think kindly to even the most annoying assholes. You’re on track for being the biggest star on Broadway. You’re the cutest man I’ve ever seen and you still give me butterflies when you say my name. You’re intelligent, kind. God Blaine, I could go on for hours. You benefit the world by just breathing.”

Blaine rolled his eyes “Stop lying. I know you're just saying it try to stop me. You’ll deny saying it later.”

“Oh honey,” Kurt sighed sadly to himself.

Blaine heard sirens in the distance.

“What’s that?” Blaine accused

“Blaine, you’re still bleeding out of your head and when I got here you were barely floating above the water.” Kurt explained hopelessly, watching Blaine carefully for any sudden movement.

“Why can’t you just go away and let me die in peace?” Blaine muttered. “I’ve done enough to you. You don’t need to see me die.”

Kurt was about to respond, but a group of first responders rushed in. They took one look at Blaine and started their work.

Kurt stepped out of the way, worry all over his face. But when he heard Blaine try to refuse help he spoke up.

“He was- He tried to kill himself.” Kurt supplied, his tears turning into sobs once again now that someone was there for Blaine that could help him.

They didn’t take long to strap Blaine down on the stretcher and take him away.

“Now who are you in relation to Blaine?” one of the responders asked.

“I um-” Kurt struggled. What was he in relation to Blaine? An old friend? A stranger? A friend of the family? Would Blaine be mad if he claimed he was his fiance still? That was what Kurt moved back to Lima for. He wanted nothing more to be in Blaine’s life and one day married to him. “I- I’m not completely sure.” Kurt finally admitted. “We were fiancés, but-”

“Say no more. I can release information to his fiancé.” the responder winked. “He’s going to Lima General’s emergency room.”

Kurt nodded as the responder left the room. He wiped the tears away and walked back into Blaine’s room. He hadn’t noticed before, but this was not what he remembered. There was an absence of pictures, Blaine’s camera collection packed up. The curtains securely closed.

His clothes barely hung up. An unmade bed. His instruments were pushed into the closet like he was just trying to get them out of his sight.

He’d never seen Blaine treat his things so carelessly. It was like he was trying to shut out anything that use to make him happy.

Kurt took a breath deciding to clean up some of the the mess to give the hospital more time to figure out if Blaine’s head injury was anything to be concerned about. He was more concerned with Blaine’s mental status. But he couldn’t believe that Blaine would let him be in the room to find that out.

He hadn’t actually believed Blaine about never forgiving him until this moment. And it terrified him. What was he going to do if Blaine never did? He decided to use his semester of work-study to come home specifically for Blaine.

And Blaine tried to kill himself.

He could have lost the chance.

Kurt berating himself. “What is wrong with me? Blaine is in the hospital and here I am wondering if I’ll get him back. And I’m cleaning, instead of being with him.”

Kurt looked around and decided it was clean enough. He hurried out to his car, wanting to get to Blaine. He promised himself that he would stop thinking about himself and devote as much energy possible to help Blaine.

He pulled away from the Andersons’ home and dialed Cooper with his hands free phone app.

It took about 5 rings before Cooper answered

“What do you want?” Cooper asked coldly

“Blaine’s in the hospital. He tried to” Kurt trailed off. Once he said it to someone it would be real and he wasn't sure he was ready for that.

“Tried to do what?” Cooper asked distracted. “Did you guys have kinky make up sex or something?”

Kurt ignored him “He tried to- to kill himself, Cooper. I found him with a head injury floating in the bath.” Kurt wiped away a tear as another round of sobs hit.

“Does Mom know?” Cooper sounded far more into the conversation. “Is he okay?”

“You’re the first person I’ve called. And I don’t know.” Kurt took a deep breath. “He kept telling me to go away so he could do it.”

“I’ll be on the next flight.” Cooper promised. “I’ll call mom. You just get to the hospital and keep us up to date.” Cooper’s voice turned cold. “Unless you think you’re too good for that too.”

“I’m heading there right now.” Kurt told him as he turned onto the street where the hospital was located. “And I’m really sorry. But I still love your brother with all my heart.”

He could practically hear Cooper roll his eyes.

They said their goodbyes as Kurt pulled into the hospital parking lot. Kurt shuddered thinking of all the times he had to be in this parking lot over the years.

Still he made his way inside the emergency room, impatiently waiting to hear an update on Blaine,.

As he waited he ran through the calming techniques his therapist told him about.

After about ten minutes, a nurse came out to get him. She explained Blaine’s condition while they made their way to the room.

“We’ve put him in bare room with a guard outside the door. All for his own safety of course.” She paused letting Kurt process. “His head injury is thankfully just a mild case of bleeding. Nothing gauze couldn’t handle.”

They reached Blaine’s room and Kurt nervously walked in.

Blaine sighed in frustration.

“What are you doing here?” He seemed very drowsy

“We gave him a sedative. He was having a bit of an anxiety in the ambulance.” The nurse supplied as she left.

“I came because my bestfriend is in the hospital and I don’t want him to be all alone.” Kurt cautiously responded

“Who?” Blaine asked cluelessly

“You, of course honey.” Kurt sighed in relief. Blaine was his cute drowsy self like when he was hopped up on pain meds after he got hit by that rock slushie.

“No. You don’t love me anymore,” Blaine frowned unhappily. “No one loves me.”

“That’s not true. Cooper is on his way right now.” Kurt reassured. “And I will always love you, Blaine. I just made a huge mistake.”

“I made a mistake too.” Blaine frowned. “I’m such a despicable person. I kissed stupid Facebook guy. And destroyed everything.”

“I already forgave you for that years ago, Blaine.”

“I’m still awful. I was late for our date.” Blaine let out a frustrated groan.

“No honey, that was my mistake. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Kurt pushed the hair out of Blaine’s eyes sweetly

“My mom has two jobs you know? I don’t even have one!” Blaine started crying “I can’t even play music anymore!”

“Oh Blaine.” Kurt grabbed Blaine’s hand in sympathy. “I’m sure you’ll find a way to play again.”

Their conversation continued for a while, Kurt always reassuring Blaine that he was a good person.

They were so caught up in talking they didn’t hear another set of paramedics show up. They moved to help Blaine out of the bed and onto the stretcher.

“Wait, where are you taking him.” Kurt stood up a well.

One looked down at his paperwork. “They found a bed open at St. Rita’s”

“A bed?” he asked confused

“Yeah, Mr. Anderson here is on a minimum 72 hour hold. He’s got to go to a psychiatric facility.”

“But his brother is coming from California right now,” Kurt started to panic.

“There’s visiting hours there.” He handed Kurt a card that had the number for the facility. “Just call them and ask when they are.”

Kurt nodded panic receding, then moved to hug Blaine tightly. “I love you so much. And I’ll come for visiting hours as long as you want me there. Okay?”

Blaine hugged him harder to his chest, a few of his tears leaving a mark on Kurt’s shirt.

“It’s okay, they’re going to help you.” Kurt reassured.

Kurt went home once he saw the ambulance off and watched it leave.

He felt helpless.

Blaine was in pain and all Kurt could do is go visit him. But there was a very good chance that Blaine was not going to let him visit.

Once he told his dad, he decided he wanted to visit Blaine as well.

He wallowed in the realization that Blaine might let his dad visit, but not him.

He went to bed early that night. For hours he battled nightmares restlessly. Dreams like running to Blaine but never reaching him. Ignoring Blaine’s phone call and finding out Blaine had succeed in his plan to die.

He woke up repeatedly sobbing. Every time he fell back to sleep he was treated to another nightmare about not being able to help Blaine. He felt so powerless.

Bright and early the next morning his phone rang.

He looked down at the phone, an unknown caller. He decided that it wouldn’t hurt to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hi” Blaine almost whispered over the phone

“Blaine!” Kurt tried to fit all his love into just Blaine’s name.

“I’m sorry you had to deal with my breakdown.” Blaine apologized

“I wanted too.” Kurt smiled absently

“You won’t have to deal with me anymore, I promise.” Blaine claimed, his misery apparent even over the phone. “And sorry for calling. I just needed to hear your voice, even if I am still mad at you.”

“Blaine. I want to be here for you..” Kurt stressed “I’m doing work study this semester because I had to come back and see my best friend. And I plan to woo you as much as you need to gain your love back.”

Blaine was silent for a minute “I don’t think you’d want this version of me.”

“I think I would love any version of you, as long as you let me in.”

“They put me on antidepressants.” Blaine admitted ashamed

“Me too.” Kurt sympathized “It seems that not only do I have intimacy issues, but ocd as well.”

“You don’t have intimacy issues. You seemed pretty damn eager last time we-”

Kurt cut him off “Not that type. According to my therapist, I have issues sharing space that was originally just mine.”

“You don’t need a therapist to tell you that, Kurt.” This time Kurt knew Blaine was smiling.

“Haha,” Kurt grinned at Blaine’s teasing.

“This place is terrible,” Blaine admitted suddenly. “They made me remove most of my clothes and then they went through and asked about every scar on my body”

“That must have been really uncomfortable.” Kurt sympathized

“No, wait. I’m almost done.” Blaine said irritated clearly talking to someone where he was. Blaine’s voice became clearer as he put the phone back up to his ear. “I have to go, we share the phones.”

“Oh Okay. I love you.” Kurt was a little disappointed.

“Do you really?” Blaine asked unsure “Because something in my head keeps telling me you’re just saying so because of what happened.”

“I love you with all my heart, Blaine Devon Anderson.” Kurt wanted to reach through the phone and hug Blaine to his chest.

“Ok. I’ll try to remember that.” Blaine still seemed unsure

“Do you mind if I come tonight for visiting hours?” Kurt nervously asked

“Please come. My mom can’t get off of work and I don’t want to spend the entire time with Coop talking about himself.”

“I’ll see you at 6.”

“See you at 6”

“I love you.”

“You too,” Blaine mumbled into the phone after a few seconds.

The line clicked off and Kurt sighed. This was tough. He was just so worried about Blaine.

He decided to call around to their friends. Maybe it would be easier if he knew what lead to it all.

Unfortunately not even Sam had any information. He hadn’t even heard of their break up.

Blaine had obviously came home and isolated himself the entire time.

Kurt had to be sure, so he called all the Warblers he had the phone numbers of. Maybe some of Blaine’s ex friends had heard from him. He even called that asshole meerkat, Sebastian.

It was for naught. None of them had any new information. Although he did have to threaten Sebastian about what he would do if he dared to try to manipulate Blaine. Not that he told any of Blaine’s friends where he was. Blaine would want discretion.

Kurt spent hours trying to find the best outfit to wear for Blaine. It had to be hot enough to distract Blaine from remembering he was stuck in the hospital, but simple enough that he could wear it to the hospital. And preferably soft to encourage any desire for cuddling. He doubted that Blaine would want to, but he’d wear it just in case.

A large amount of his clothes would not pass the test. Drawstrings, zippers, his go to shoestring pants, anything spiked.

In the end he settled for a simple pair of light colored skinny jean and a v-neck He thought it might help Blaine feel better about whatever they had him wearing right now. And his light colored clothing helped with his dad. He hoped it would for Blaine as well.

He planned to stop by Blaine’s house on the way to pick up some clothes for him. Cooper couldn’t be trusted in this case. He’d probably end up bringing some of Blaine’s bowties and forget pants.

As much as Kurt knew Blaine loved his bowties, he was told by the hospital that they could be used as a weapon. It made him nauseous just thinking of the list of banned items. He never thought anyone could be that desperate to use a paperclip to hurt themselves.

Kurt sat in his room until he couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to be near Blaine again.

He pulled out of the driveway after promising not to be home too late and request from his Dad to tell Blaine he hoped he’d feel better soon.

On the way to Blaine’s, he called his therapist to have a quick mini session. They talked about all that had happened and how he was dealing with it.

Thankfully she seemed to agree with most of what he was currently doing. But she warned that even if he did get Blaine back, it wouldn’t be the end. There were underlying issues that needed solved.

He felt relieved that he wasn’t screwing up. But he had a nagging feeling that he needed to be more for Blaine. He was terrified that maybe he wouldn’t be able to do it. And then he’d never fully have the love of his life back.

He arrived at Blaine’s, just as Cooper walked out. As predicted Cooper was drastically unprepared.

“Back in the house,” Kurt commanded

“You lost the right to boss me around with what you did to Blaine,” Cooper told him as he continued to Blaine’s car, which he was borrowing while in town.

“Just go back in the house. They aren’t going to let you in dressed like that.” Kurt saw at least 3 infractions from where he was.

“What’s wrong with my clothes?” Cooper asked petulantly

Kurt rolled his eyes and lead Cooper back inside.

They went through Cooper’s luggage in record time,and he pulled out a shirt and pants that Cooper could wear.

Kurt took the bag Cooper held and sighed when he saw that Cooper had forgotten actual shirts. He’d only grabbed the vests.

He headed to Blaine’s room. The room felt depressing now that he knew a little more about why it looked the way it did.

Wasting no time, he grabbed the essentials that Blaine needed.

On a whim he went over to where Blaine stored his scrapbooks. His heart stopped.

The books from the past 4 years were in an awful condition. They looked like Blaine tore out a bunch of water stained pages and then thought better of it and shoved them back in. There were pictures and memories sticking out of the sides, bent now from probably being forcefully shoved into their place.

Tears began flowing down his cheek again. If only Blaine had had someone. If only he wasn’t such an idiot, this wouldn’t have happened. Blaine would still be in Bushwick with him and he would of felt loved.

Kurt tried to ignore the voice that rightfully claimed that wouldn’t be true. Blaine wouldn’t be there, because Kurt would have done something else stupid since he never would have tried therapy.

He tried to put the scrapbooks out of his mind as he headed toward the hospital.

When he got to the hospital, he noticed Cooper had arrived before him. As much as it bothered him to miss time with Blaine, he decided to wait a little before going in himself.

Blaine rarely had time with his big brother, and he knew he craved the attention from Cooper.

He’d give them twenty minutes

Kurt went through the security process and dropped off what he brought Blaine with a nurse, who claimed she needed to check it for anything Blaine couldn’t have.

He was about to step into the visiting room when he heard Blaine talking.

“I’m not going to tell him to leave, Coop,” Blaine sighed in frustration. “Against all odds, he still loves me, I think.”

“What happened to him being a fussy uppity ass?” Cooper asked disappointed, “I thought you vowed to be rid of Kurt?”

“I never said that. You did.” Blaine told him in disbelief, “Not to mention I would never call Kurt that. Even when I was struggling in the dorms, I loved him. I still do.”

“So what squirt, you're going to just forgive him and run off into the sunset together?” Cooper asked in disbelief. “I actually have an audition for a scene like that in a couple of weeks.”

“I’m not just going to forgive him.” Blaine reassured. “He still hurt me a lot. I felt like Sadie Hawkins all over again. Only I didn’t have any physical injuries.”

“See that’s why I don’t understand. He hurt you and yet you still want to be with him?”

“He’s my soulmate Cooper.” Blaine gave him an unimpressed look. “And hurting each other happens in relationships, even platonic ones. Just because you run every time you argue with anyone, doesn’t mean I do. Besides, he saved me, even when I didn’t want to be.”

“He’s still incredibly bossy. He forced me to go change clothes earlier.” Cooper informed him still a little annoyed about it. “I’m going to have to go home and change for my date tonight.”

“You probably looked like an idiot.” Blaine smiled slightly.

Kurt took that as his cue to come into the room, acting like he’d just gotten there.

“Hey Blaine.” Kurt gave him a small smile. He turned to Cooper. “Cooper, You’re looking a less ridiculous than normal. I wonder why.”

Blaine laughed against his hand and Kurt called that a victory.

Kurt took a seat next to Blaine on the couch they were sitting on.

“Don’t let me stop you. You two seemed to be deep in concentration.” Kurt added, giving Cooper a glare over Blaine’s head, making it clear that he’d heard their conversation.

“It was nothing. Just small talk.” Blaine replied, not picking up on the tension between Cooper and Kurt. Both wanting good for Blaine, but disagreeing with what it was.

“Well in that case.” Kurt smiled at Blaine’s redirect. “My Dad say he hopes you feel a little better soon.”

“I didn’t realize he cared.” Blaine admitted

“Of course he does, Blaine.” Kurt reassured touching Blaine’s arm. “And when you do feel better, he, well both of us, invite you to Friday Night Dinner.”

“Really?” A true smile appeared on Blaine’s face.

“Really.” Kurt smiled in return, feeling relieved that Blaine could smile. “And if it would make it easier we could invite Rachel too, so the focus isn’t on you.”

“Is it mean to say her show was a little…” Blaine trailed off.

“Awful? Insulting? Weird? ” Kurt supplied.

“I was going to say bad and a little uncomfortable, but that works too.”

“Hey, wait your friend had a show and you didn’t even tell me?” Cooper asked, insulted.

“It wasn’t very good Cooper, it didn’t even get past the pilot.” Blaine assured.

“That doesn’t matter, I could’ve saved the show with my brilliance!” Cooper guaranteed .

“I’m sure.” Blaine sighed, exasperated by Cooper.

“Hey Cooper, don’t you have that thing to do?” Kurt asked in displeasure. They were suppose to be cheering up Blaine, not irritating him

Cooper looked at his watch. “Oh, you’re right, I have a date with this girl I met from Lima Heights. And you know how they are.” He winked. “Well, maybe you don’t.”

Kurt looked at Cooper with a bit of disgust. He didn’t actually think Cooper would schedule something when he should be with his little brother.

“You don’t mind, Blaine do you?.” Cooper really didn’t ask. He was gone before Blaine could really respond.

Kurt glared after him.

“Sometimes he’s a little single minded.” Blaine explained. Like he needed to explain his brothers action.

“He’s an idiot, Blaine.” Kurt sighed as he took Blaine’s hand and squeezed it.

“I know.” Blaine whispered sadly.

Kurt pulled him into a hug. “So I was thinking about what you were saying about having trouble believing things.”

Blaine nodded curiously, not knowing where Kurt was going with it.

“Remember when we watched that Hunger Games movie? Mockingjay.”

“I remember.” Blaine assured. “I still think the book was better.”

“Well, even better.” Kurt grinned at Blaine’s thoughts about the book. “Do you remember when Peter got brainwashed?”

“Peeta, but go on.”

“Right, but do you remember what Katniss did to help him? Real or Not Real?” Kurt explained

“Oh.” Blaine’s smile grew understanding exactly what Kurt meant. “That’s actually a good idea.”

Blaine went silent for a moment. He took a deep breath. “You’re just pretending to love me so I don’t kill myself?”

“Not Real.” Kurt consoled. “Never in any universe or time.”

“You’re visiting me because you feel guilty about everything?”

“Not Real. I feel very guilty for hurting you. But that’s not the reason.” Kurt explained soothingly. “I need to make sure you’re okay. I spent all night have nightmares that I’d gotten there too late. It felt like I-” Kurt took a deep breath. “Like a part of me died with you.” Kurt stubbornly wiped away the tears that started falling. “You’re my better half, Blaine.”

Blaine smiled sadly at Kurt’s admission. Try as he might he was starting to realize he couldn’t stay angry at him. And if he ignored the awful thoughts that were still telling him that no one actually loved him and how useless his existence was, he could tell that Kurt was completely genuine with his words and actions.

Blaine pulled Kurt in for a hug, still not quite ready to resume their relationship.

“Did they tell you I have depression again?” Blaine asked against Kurt’s neck

“It’s okay, Blaine. We’ll manage the symptoms together.” Kurt promised a he ran his fingers through Blaine’s loose curls. “Wait, again?”

“I was diagnosed right after Sadie Hawkins. My mom insisted I needed to talk to someone.” Blaine explained bitterness dripping off every word. “My father discontinued it after a few months though. He claimed that the therapist was supporting my ‘gay phase’.”

“Blaine, I don’t think depression just goes away because you stopped treating it.” Kurt sighed wearily as he added another reason to hate Blaine’s father.

“That’s what the Doctor said too.” Blaine murmured as he relaxed his head on Kurt’s shoulder. “Your sweater is really soft. One of my favorites”

“I know.” Kurt grinned at Blaine’s assessment of his sweater. A rush of satisfaction ran through his body that Blaine liked it. “So you saw a Doctor?”

“Just a quick visit to make sure there was nothing physically wrong.” Blaine explained “I saw a psychologist too. He put me some medicine.” Blaine’s smile fell.

“There’s nothing wrong with needing medicine, Blaine.” Kurt confided. “I have to take a few pills everyday too.”

Blaine nodded in relief that there was no judgement from Kurt.

“Sam and Tina hate me?” Blaine asked suddenly

“Not Real. Sam didn’t even know you were in Lima, Blaine.” Kurt reasoned “And Tina’s off at Brown. She’s really busy. That has nothing to do with you. She wouldn’t be avoiding you.”

“Cooper said he loved me.” Blaine admitted unsure

“Real. He flew across the country practically right after I got off the phone with him to get to you.” Kurt took one of Blaine’s hand and squeezed it “Plus he won’t stop being rude to me.”

“Are you sure? Because he left me for a date?” Blaine bit his lip nervously

“Cooper loves you. He just has an odd way of showing it.” Kurt resisted the urge to scoop Blaine up and hug him tightly

“You think Cooper is more attractive and would prefer him over me?” Blaine whispered very low trying to hide the tear that came from admitting one of his deep fears.

The thought had bothered him for years. Ever since Cooper came to visit in junior year and Kurt changed his ringtone to Cooper’s stupid commercial.

“Oh, Blaine honey,” Kurt leaned over and kissed Blaine’s forehead “Not real. Your brother is not my type. I’m not into airheads who insult Broadway and hurt my best friend with their flakey promises.” Kurt comforted. “I prefer a sweet, talented, intelligent, attractive, and vertically challenged man who works hard for what he gets.”

“Visiting Hours are now over. All Guests proceed to the exit.” A voice announced over the intercom.

Kurt visibly deflated. “I guess it’s time to leave.”

“Will you come tomorrow? My mom said she might be able to switch shifts so she can come. But I can have 2 visitors.” Blaine pleaded.

“Of course I will. And you can call whenever you want. I’ll answer no matter what.” Kurt soothed squeezing Blaine’s hand. “I left some clothes and your favorite books with the nurse. Make sure you ask them about them.”

Blaine nodded, not letting go of Kurt’s hand.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, honey.” Kurt gave him a big hug and if he didn’t know better he could swear Blaine kissed his neck.

“Bye Blaine.” Kurt hugged him again, wondering how he could still smell so uniquely Blaine without his products.

Blaine still didn’t let Kurt’s hand loose.

Kurt brought him to the door of the visiting room. “I love you Blaine.”

Suddenly as if even Blaine didn’t know he was going to do it, Blaine kissed Kurt hard.

It took a second for Kurt to respond happily. He missed Blaine’s perfect lips against his and how comfortable it made him to have their love shown through the kiss.

Blaine pulled away blushing, chiding himself. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

Blaine finally let go of Kurt’s hand, his head bowed cutely. Kurt knew Blaine enjoyed the kiss just as much as he did.

“I’m not complaining.” Kurt teased. “And I know that doesn’t change things. I am still going to woo you as long as it takes.”

He hugged Blaine one more time, then left.

When Kurt got home, he started a new project. He called it a “We love Blaine” party set for the day Blaine got out of the hospital. It would take some time and energy, not to mention it didn’t really have a set date. But Kurt knew it would be worth it.

He planned to call around to all the members of glee, past and present. He relied on the New Direction phone tree to contact those he didn’t have the numbers of. He called a few Warblers as well that Blaine still had good memories of.

Anyone he could get to come, would write down at least 1 reason they loved Blaine and either present it for him or put it in a jar so when Blaine was feeling down he could pick one out to cheer him up a little.

He got a hold of Tina, Sam and Rachel fairly fast. Tina said she’d come back for a few days if it was for Blaine. Sam agreed without any hesitation. He claimed to miss their larping and fanfiction nights.

Rachel was a whole other story. He snapped at her. He knew she was sad about her show and needed to talk to someone, but he could only handle one Diva at a time.

He was in love with Blaine, so he was the Diva that got his attention.

Kurt felt that was important she knew. He knew that one day Blaine would be his husband and that meant he’d always be his first concern.

He’d dropped the ball on that several times, by choosing Rachel over Blaine when both of them were dealing with something stressful. His therapist had pointed it out to him very early into their sessions.

He suggested that Rachel should go out for coffee with Cooper. He knew how it felt to be rejected by Hollywood. Plus with Rachel and Cooper occupied it would prevent them from trying to take over.

Rachel also admitted that Glee club was looking for a new teacher, but she was too blue to do it herself. He knew she was fishing for a compliment, but he knew once he started that somehow he’d be dragged into Rachel’s issues, so he refrained.

He did take her suggestion to help the glee club. He needed a work study and what better than having the power and control of Glee like he wished when he went to McKinley.

By the time he’d decided to go to bed, he had answers from half of the original members and few newer members.

He also put together a structured lesson plan for the Glee Club for the interview that he was able to arrange.

Kurt awoke to the sound of his phone going off. It was Blaine if his ringtone was any indication.

“Morning, Blaine” Kurt answered sleepily.

“How does Sebastian Smythe know I’m here, and get the numbers to this phones?” Blaine asked, irritated.

“I don’t know, you know how the Warblers are.” Kurt told him honestly.

“Are you sure? He said something about a party, I think.” Blaine shuddered “Well between sexual harassing me and saying things about you.”

“Oh.” Kurt’s heart fell. “I don’t know how it got back to him, but I may have been planning something for when you get out. But all I told anyone was that you were coming back from a trip.”

“Kurt,” Blaine responded in a pained tone.

“He must have said some terrible things if you’re this upset.” Kurt observed in concern.

“Am I only worth a good fuck?” Blaine asked upset and hurt. “And too much work now?”

Kurt tried to quell the anger that rose up in him at Blaine’s words. “You are perfectly imperfect, honey. And just because a jerk like Sebastian, who if you remember was all about the one night stands not relationships, says you're not relationship material, doesn’t make it true.”

“He said you were bored of me of taking care of me and that I should just ‘give in’ and meet him at Scandals.”

“Not Real, Blaine. He’s just trying to prey on your feelings so he can get you drunk and get you to do something you’ll regret.” Kurt reassured “Unless you wouldn’t regret it?

“He means nothing to me, Kurt,” Blaine sighed

“See, Blaine. You know it's pointless to listen to him.” Kurt reminded.

“I know, but it felt like he was parroting the thoughts in my brain. So I had to call you,” Blaine explained nervously. Maybe he was putting too much on Kurt. They weren’t even dating and yet Kurt was still there to help him. More so than he could ever remember. It made him wonder if he was overcompensating trying to get him back, or if the therapy Kurt claimed he was in was working for him.

“I’m here any time, Blaine.” Kurt promised

“Hey Andersin! You talking to that fairy you practically humped yesterday? Tell him if he comes back I’ll beat both your asses.” An angry voice came from Blaine’s side of the phone. Kurt heard a smack.

“Who is that? Go report him to the nurses! You’re trying to heal for damn sakes!” Kurt demanded angrily.

“It doesn’t matter, Kurt. From what I can tell he’s harmless,” Blaine pacified “You don’t have to come tonight if it scares you though. I’ll understand.”

“I’m coming to see you, unless you changed your mind,” Kurt paused giving Blaine time to object. “And someone hitting and bullying you is not harmless.”

“Kurt, we’re in Ohio. I doubt that the nurses will do more than tell him to stop. And when has that ever worked on a bully?” Blaine reasoned.

Kurt was not convinced and had every intention of telling the nurses when he came to visit. Maybe they could move that person elsewhere.

“Besides I get out tomorrow, right?” Blaine said optimistically.

Kurt sighed deeply. “I don’t think it works that way”

“Of course it does, it’s a 72 hour hold. As in they only hold me for 72 hours.” Blaine explained positively. “And I’m fine now.”

“Actually according to the nurses you stay until your psychiatrist says you can leave.” Kurt claimed sad that he had to break Blaine’s bubble of happiness.

“But I only see him once a day for 5 minutes!” Blaine was shellshocked. “How could he possibly know?”

“I don’t know. I think I annoyed the nurses with all my questions.” Kurt admitted, embarrassed.

“Time for group!” A woman was yelling. The voice lowered “The phone turns off during group, Blaine so make it quick.”

“I have to go now, Kurt” Blaine sounded disappointed

Kurt tried to distract himself from the thought of what Blaine might be dealing with at that very moment, nearly the entire day.

His interview was a little stilted as he tried to stay on topic, but it didn’t matter. The job was offered to him after about 5 minutes as long as he agreed to do it for free. Thankfully NYADA didn’t require that he had to make any money at his work study.

His next concern was to find members. He thought of Kitty and decided to start there. But she was adamant that she was not going to go through the pain Glee Club caused her.

He promised her a spot if she changed her mind and invited her to the party for Blaine.

Kurt decided to put up sign up sheets. It had attracted him and his friends. Maybe he’d find the next big stars that way.

Kurt’s visit to Blaine that night was similar to the night before. They played Real or Not Real, but this time Blaine’s mom, Pam was there to quell some of the thoughts that Kurt couldn’t answer.

Overall Blaine seemed to be happier than he was the day before. But he was disappointed that Kurt was right. He wasn’t going home the next day. They still felt he needed to be observed.

When visiting hours were over, Kurt left right after Pam. He found himself cornered in the parking lot.

“I have to thank you for saving him.” Pam said seriously

“It was nothing. I just heard him yell and reacted,” Kurt explained, knowing that was not the end of the conversation.

“I wasn’t aware that you were in contact with him. It surprised me when you showed up.” Pam asked carefully.

“I came back to Ohio for Blaine. And I plan to marry him if he’ll let me. I don’t have anymore doubts.” Kurt said stopping her short. “And right now I’m just trying to be a good friend, since he is my best one.”

“Don’t you dare hurt him again, Kurt.” Pam warned. “I don’t think I could handle hearing that my baby was in the hospital again.”

“I promise I’ll try not to.”

Kurt’s days pretty much stayed the same that week. He talked to Blaine nearly every morning, went into work and auditioned new members for New Directions. Then he’d go home, changed out of his fashionable teacher style and into his light colored clothes for Blaine’s recovery, and spent his time with Blaine during visiting hours.

So far with the New Directions he’d found a few promising performers.

There were two Cheerios that were clearly twins who had performed together before. He was still trying to convince Kitty.

While talking to Trent on the Warblers phone tree, which he threatened them that no information was to get to Sebastian, he found out there was a girl petitioned to join the Warblers. He was keeping an eye on that situation.

He’d also made progress with the New Directions phone tree. He’d found Marley, Jake, Ryder and Unique.

He managed to convince Unique to come back to McKinley as long as Rachel wasn’t in charge. She seemed to have an issue with Rachel not knowing their names, but the others couldn’t leave their new school.

They all agreed to come to Blaine’s party.

On Friday night he got a call from Pam after he got home from visiting Blaine. She told him to tell anyone that was coming to his party that Blaine was getting out tomorrow afternoon after lunch.

He scrambled to inform the Warblers and New Directions phone trees.

The next day dawned bright. He talked to Blaine like normal and he really did seem more like his old self. He couldn’t wait to see him out of that hospital.

He spent his whole morning setting up for the party. He expected about 20 show choir people and he assumed they didn’t plan to leave once they explained why they loved Blaine.

Kurt didn’t know what to put on his card. He’d written a list and to fit them all the words would be too small, they'd be illegible. In the end he filled the jar up halfway, only stopping because his hand cramped.

When the party started, his house filled up with far more than 20 people. He realized his mistake. Someone leaked it to the high schoolers.

Kurt found Tina and Rachel in the crowd. He grabbed them and brought them into the kitchen.

“You two need to help me clear this party out to the people Blaine actually knows.” Kurt begged

Rachel crossed her arms stubbornly. “You won’t listen to me, why would I help?”

“Just help, Rachel” Tina rolled her eyes.

“Thank you, Tina.” A sense of relief ran through his body.

“Fine. But you’re explaining what this party is even for when I’m done.” Rachel demanded

Kurt nodded and watched as they walked back into the party. He went to the front door to stop people before they came in.

Immediately he was turning people away. After 5 minutes of frustration, he finally snapped at the people. “This is not a teenage party! If you do not know Blaine Anderson, go away or I’ll sic a Puckerman on you.”

About half of the people waiting walked away, knowing Puck’s reputation.

There were people streaming out of the house as well. Kurt wondered what the girls were doing to cause it. He stopped wondering when Unique showed up with 4 other people.

“You better know all our names or we walk,” Kitty informed

Kurt rolled his eyes “Kitty I’ve been trying to recruit you for a week.”

“Then what are their names?”

Kurt looked at them thoughtfully. “Unique obviously, Puckerman two is… Jake. Which make you Ryder the football player.” Kurt pointed at the last girl. “And you’re Marley, the brilliant song writer.”

“Lucky guess” Kitty said unimpressed

“Not lucky, Blaine’s talked about you.” Kurt said as they walked into the house.

Once they turned the party back into an event for Blaine, all they had to do was wait. There were a couple of almosts as Sugar announced herself and Brittany and Santana showed up.

Finally Kurt saw Blaine’s mom’s car. He told the group.

“Should we hide?” Ryder asked

The group argued over the question until the doorbell rang and Kurt glared at them to shut up.

Kurt answered the door and hugged Blaine tight as greeting.

“You’re feeling better now right? No bad thoughts?” Kurt worried

“I’m okay.” Blaine assured

Kurt lead Blaine into the living room where everyone was gathered. He dropped Kurt’s hand and ran into the kitchen. Kurt quickly followed him

“Jesus, Kurt did you invite everyone we’ve ever met?” Blaine asked out of breath.

“No. I just invited the people who love you.” Kurt said guiltily “What’s wrong?”

“Could you get my a bag to breath into? I’m having an anxiety attack.”

Kurt rushed over to one the drawers pulling out a brown paper bag, handing it to Blaine.

“I’m- I know you meant well, but god Kurt. I just got out of the hospital.”

“Do you need to lean against something? Or sit down? Do you need a hug, would that help? I know it helps me” Kurt babbled feeling helpless

Blaine walked into his arms and Kurt held him tightly.

“I’m sorry, Blaine” Kurt murmured kissing Blaine’s hair.

After a few minutes, Blaine’s breathing was back to normal.

“Okay, I think I’m okay. But whatever you planned, could we do it in parts.”

“Sure, anything you want.” Kurt smiled relieved that he hadn’t ruined everything. “Meet me in the dining room.”

Kurt went out to the living room and brought Brittany, Santana, Tina, Sam and Mercedes to the dining room.

“I don’t know what weird mating ritual of yours this is, but we just came because we had some free time.” Santana noted

“That’s nice for you.” Kurt glared

“Why didn’t you tell me you were in town, man?” Sam piped up.

“How about we tell Blaine why we love him?” Kurt redirected. “Instead of overwhelming him?”

“Oh! I love that you're a unicorn like Kurt.” Brittany volunteered

“I love how we’re best friends and how you read Star Wars fanfiction. You add a lot to the words.” Sam added

“You're not his best friend.” Kurt growled under his breath.

Blaine burst out laughing looking at Kurt who was pretending he hadn’t said anything. This continued through a number of Blaine’s friends, with Kurt commenting under his breath so only Blaine could hear.

When Rachel came in, Kurt sighed.

“Before I tell you what a brilliant partner I find you to be, I want to know what this is about and why Kurt is neglecting his friend duty.” Rachel demanded.

“That is none of your business, Rac-.” Kurt started. He stopped when he felt Blaine’s hand on his shoulder.

“I tried to kill myself, Rachel.” Blaine admitted freely. “And Kurt thought this might help me.”

“Why would you that? Think of all the wasted talent.” Rachel questioned.

“I wasn’t, I’ll admit that.” Blaine conceded.

“So why was Kurt neglecting, me, his soulmate then?” Rachel asked.

“I sent you out with Cooper, that’s not neglect.” Kurt sighed really not wanting to talk about Rachel right now.

“All he did was talk about himself. It was so annoying.” Rachel complained.

“I can only imagine.” Kurt nodded thoughtfully pretending to agree with Rachel.

He shoo’d Rachel out of the room.

“For the record, I do not think Rachel is in anyway my soulmate.” Kurt sighed

“I can’t believe you set her up with Cooper.” Blaine laughed

“They were bothering me” Kurt excused

“Why weren’t you helping her? She just lost her show and her Dads are divorcing. I’m sure she needs to talk about it.” Blaine asked, confused.

“I’m done putting her first.” Kurt told him seriously. “I didn’t even realize I was until my therapist pointed it out.”

Blaine gave Kurt a thoughtful look. “You’re going to put me first?”

“Real.” Kurt confirmed.

Blaine gathered Kurt into a kiss not taking any time to deepen it. Kurt enthusiastically responded. Kurt moaned as Blaine nibbled on his lip. He pushed Blaine against the wall before trailing kisses on Blaine’s neck.

“What does this mean?” Kurt asked breathlessly. His lips were trailing down to Blaine’s collarbone.

“Just want you,” Blaine responded bucking his hips against Kurt.

Kurt took Blaine’s distraction to pick him up. Blaine’s legs locked in their place around Kurt’s waist as Blaine sucked a hickey on Kurt’s neck.

Kurt was still worried. “This isn’t a symptom, right?”

“No. Stop thinking.” Blaine brushed off as he tangled his hands in Kurt’s hair. Still working on the hickey. “Just fuck me.”

Kurt nodded let out a moan as Blaine nibbled softly at his neck.

“I’m not fucking you where we have dinner,” Kurt explained as he hurried out of the dining room and snuck upstairs to his bedroom. He hoped no one had seen them and that his erection wasn’t obvious.

He threw Blaine on his bed and went to work on getting his clothes off.

Blaine lounged on the bed shamelessly enjoying the view of a soon to be nude Kurt. “My memory doesn’t do you any justice.”

Kurt blushed at the compliment and removed his clothes a little slower to give Blaine more of a show. “Clothes off, Blaine.” Kurt reminded him as Blaine simply stared

Blaine grinned stripping of his clothes and carefully folded them knowing that always made Kurt more enthusiastic. He grabbed the lube out of Kurt’s bedside table and started to prepare himself while Kurt went to his closet to hang up his shirt.

When Kurt turned around, he almost came from the sight. Blaine shamelessly putting his hole on display as he fingers stretched himself.

Kurt rushed over kissing Blaine hard and pushed Blaine’s hand away so he could take over. Blaine’s hands roamed everywhere on Kurt, memorising his body again. Kurt’s hand cradled Blaine’s head in his hand as they kissed.

“So beautiful” Kurt murmured against Blaine’s lips “So perfect.”

“Want you inside me” Blaine murmured desperately.

Kurt pulled away from the kiss to help Blaine position himself. As Blaine sunk down, they both moaned in relief, having missed the feeling.

Blaine pushed down harder to take more of Kurt faster.

“Fuck me hard, Kurt” Blaine demanded. “I wanna feel it”

Without question, Kurt did just that, thrusting down into Blaine fast and hard. He shifted slightly letting Blaine wrap himself around Kurt’s waist. He gasped at the new angle, pushing in deeper as his hands made their way into Blaine’s hair to tug slightly

Blaine moaned deeply at the feeling, getting closer. He started trailing kisses along Kurt’s chest, stopping to leave hickies everywhere, knowing which places were impossible to cover.

Kurt got lost in the sensation of thrusting into Blaine’s tight ass, chasing his orgasm as Blaine’s lips trailed their way to Kurt’s ear

“I love you, Kurt” Blaine whispered into his ear with as much feeling as he could manage.

Kurt came at the sound of Blaine’s confession and the sensation pushed Blaine over the edge as well.

Kurt let himself collapse on Blaine, as Blaine’s arms wrap themselves around him.

He let himself fall out of Blaine and groaned. “You haven’t been with anyone else, right?” Kurt asked nervously knowing Blaine’s answer could ruin the mood. “Because we forgot a condom”

“No. Not that guys at Scandals didn’t try.” Blaine reassured.

��Good, I haven’t either.” Kurt admitted.

“Now I’m not done with you.” Kurt captured Blaine’s lips and kissed him softly, taking his time to enjoy the feeling of a sated Blaine underneath him. “I missed this, I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” Blaine grinned against Kurt’s lips, bumping his nose against Kurt’s.

Kurt moved off of Blaine to collapse next to him, not wanting to crush him after they came down from their high. Blaine curled his body around Kurt’s with his head on his chest.

“So are we going to talk about those scars on your thighs?” Kurt asked apprehensively.

“Can I say no?” Blaine asked not wanting to discuss it at this moment.

“Have you at least been making sure they don’t get infected?” Kurt worried.

“No?” Blaine told him embarrassed. “I didn’t want to.”

“Oh, Blaine,” Kurt sighed sadly kissing the top of Blaine’s hair. “If you do that again, not that I condone it, will you let me keep it uninfected?”

Blaine nodded in agreement.

“How about the bruise you have on your hip?” Kurt asked in concern.

“Oh that idiot punched me.” Blaine said nonchalantly, “But they moved him to a new unit.”

“Blaine! I told you it was serious threat.” Kurt frowned

“He wasn’t though, Kurt.” Blaine reassured. “Turns out he tried to kill himself rather than tell anyone he was gay.”

“Well he still hurt you,” Kurt concluded. “And anyone that would hurt you is an asshole.”

Eventually Blaine and Kurt returned to the party. It was in full swing. People were singing karaoke in one room, playing Halo in another and the dining room was now open for people who were talking.

Kurt was excited to see that someone had found another jar after the first one filled up with reasons to love Blaine. It was pretty full as well.

“See I told you they just needed to bone.” Santana commented as they walked into the dining room. “You owe me $10, Berry!”

Kurt ignored her as he headed over to talk to Mercedes.

Blaine went to talk to Sam.

“You really mauled him,” Sam laughed as Blaine sat down next to him. “I thought you two split up?”

“We’re back together.” Blaine corrected. “He just doesn’t know it yet.”

“Dude, what?” Sam asked thinking he heard Blaine wrong.

“He’s so cute trying to ‘woo’ me,” Blaine sighed dreamily. “But we’ve been back together since Kurt chose me over Rachel. It’s really nice to be put first.”

“Blaine you have to tell him. I know I’d be mad if I found out a girl was screwing with me like that.” Sam urged him.

“I’m scared.” Blaine admitted. “What if it's just a joke and Kurt leaves?”

“I don’t think he’d do that.” Sam told him, unsure. He figured Blaine knew Kurt better than he did.

“But what if he does?” Blaine worried. Logically he knew that Kurt wouldn’t. But that didn’t stop the little voice telling him that Kurt could do so much better than him.

“You’re worried for nothing.” Sam said as he got up. “It’s almost my turn for Halo. Wanna join?”

“Not right now. But maybe later.” Blaine smiled.

As Sam walked away, Santana came over from where she was talking to Brittany.

“Okay what’s the story? I know you didn’t go on a trip.” Santana asked invasively “Besides I heard you two broke up. Now Kurt’s throwing you a party and making people tell you why they love you. It’s pretty weird.”

“You’re right, I wasn’t on a trip. I tried to kill myself. Kurt saved me,” Blaine admitted, knowing it was easier to just tell her.

Santana gasped. “Why would you do that? You actually have potential and you’re impossible to dislike. Trust me I tried”

“I’ve got depression and the thoughts convinced me.” Blaine shrugged. “I’ve been in the hospital”

“Why were you in the hospital? Did you put a quarter up your nose?” Brittany asked loudly from behind Santana. Everyone in the room turned to look at Blaine as he blushed in embarrassment.

“You were in the hospital, boo?” Mercedes asked coming over and giving him a hug.

Kurt had come over as well and was now arguing quietly with Santana and Brittany about being discreet and not yelling. He knew that if it was anyone else, Santana would be cursing them out, but she had a soft spot for Brittany, so she was on her side.

“It’s okay, I’m good now.” Blaine reassured Mercedes. “I just had a flare up of an illness I have.”

“Well I’m glad you feel better now.” Mercedes said honestly.

“Thanks.” Blaine smiled.

Rachel came into the dining room. “As usual, I took everyone’s breath away.” She bragged as she took a seat, not feeling the tension in the room.

“Come on, Blaine. I wanna sing a duet with you,” Mercedes suggested as she lead him out of the room.

Blaine panicked. He hadn’t sang in month and he wasn’t sure if he even could. His medicine was still putting him in a foggy place and he hadn’t warmed up. And what if she expected him to play the piano. What if the keys were broken? Or his voice cracked.

He could feel he was at the start of a panic attack and wanted to get back to Kurt. “I’m sorry, I can’t.” Blaine apologized releasing her hand. He rushed back to Kurt quickly.

“You can’t just butt into a conversation like that!” Kurt sighed frustrated that Brittany just wasn’t getting it.

“I was joining Santana.” Brittany defended. “And I don’t know why he’s embarrassed about a quarter in his nose”

Blaine took Kurt’s hand and squeezed it twice, hoping Kurt got the message.

Kurt nodded squeezing his hand again telling Blaine he was there for him.

“Why are you embarrassed by a quarter? It’s happen to me 3 times!”

“Santana, just tell her. It’s not like everyone’s not going to find out.” Blaine sighed.

Blaine lead Kurt to the backyard.

“I can’t sing, Kurt.” Blaine announced when they were far enough away from the house.

“I’m sure if you just warm up a little your voice will sound right” Kurt comforted.

“No, I mean I can’t- I can’t go on stage and sing or play music. I panic.” Blaine explained uncomfortably.

Kurt kissed Blaine’s forehead. “How about we take it on instrument at a time, and leave the singing till later?”

“What do you mean?” Blaine tilted his head slightly in confusion.

Kurt pulled out Blaine’s harmonica he found in his room.

“Play with it. No rush. Play some notes and maybe you’ll feel a bit more comfortable.” Kurt explained soothingly

“What if I can’t?” Blaine muttered depressingly, not believing he could get over the anxiety to do it.

“Then I’ll try to be more musical for both of us.” Kurt assured. “But no matter what I’ll be there to help you and catch you if it get to be too much.”

Blaine pressed a kiss to Kurt’s lips. “Be my boyfriend again?”

“That depends,” Kurt teased, “Can I be your fiance instead?”

“Definitely” Blaine grinned wrapping his arms around Kurt hugging him tightly.

Once the party died down and everyone went home, they drove over to Blaine’s house.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to just drop you off?” Kurt asked as they pulled up to the house.

“Kurt, Cooper will probably get bored after a half hour and my mom had to go into work for a shift. You’re not going to crash family time.”

Kurt parked his car and got out coming around to take Blaine’s hand as they walked to the door.

They slipped off their shoes as they walked in.

“Cooper?” Blaine yelled out looking in the living room for him. There was no answer so he checked the dining room and kitchen.

He sighed in disbelief at the note sitting on the table.

‘Went out to dinner with your friend Rachel.’

“Cooper’s gone,” Blaine announced, not sure why he expected more. “He’s out with Rachel.”

“Do they know it's not a secret if one of them tells us?” Kurt wondered.

“Do you realize we have a completely empty house? Do you know what we could do?” Blaine smirked.

“Reorganize your bedroom so it’s not so depressing?” Kurt guessed.

“I was going to say have a musical marathon on the big tv, but okay” Blaine laughed.

Kurt grabbed his hand pulling him upstairs and into his room.

Kurt moved quickly as he opened up his shades and let the light in.

Next he organized the clothing that was lying around and moved to the closest to clean it out. Blaine was following behind helping Kurt with what he needed.

“Is it too early to be asking if we can get an apartment here in Lima?” Kurt ask casually as he fixed Blaine’s keyboard that was falling out of his case.

“Lima? Why are we staying in here?” Blaine asked concerned “Is it something to do with your dad?”

“I told you, honey. I have work study this semester and I choose Lima to be near you and get you back.” Kurt explained carefully

“What’s your work study?” Blaine asked curiously

“I’m leading the New Directions,” Kurt smiled “Well actually I’m trying to find people interested right now”

“I heard Wes and Thad arguing about a girl at Dalton wanting to be a Warbler. I bet you can convince her before Crawford Country Day” Blaine noted.

“Actually I was hoping you could.” Kurt remarked. “You could be my co-coach. Imagine what we could do without Rachel or Mr. Shue dismissing our suggestions.”

“I think we should get the apartment.” Blaine agreed. “If I spend all day watching you be an insanely hot teacher, I’m not going to want to come back to my mom’s house.”

Kurt nodded incredibly pleased with the turn of events, as he pulled out Blaine’s record player from underneath a pile of boxes. He put it back in his place. He started putting all the clothes back into the closet, smoothing out any wrinkles.

“Where’s all your trophies and cameras?” Kurt looked around.

“In the attic somewhere. I couldn’t bear to put my digital camera in though.”

“How about your pictures?” Kurt asked sorting out a nasty wrinkle in Blaine’s colorful dress shirt.

“The white boxes in there.”

Kurt looked around and found them. He brought the shirt with him knowing it needed steamed.

Blaine open one of the boxes with a watery grin. He turned it around to show Kurt. A picture of their engagement. They both looked so young.

As Blaine looked through more of the photos, Kurt realized why they’d been put away. They were all pictures of beautiful memories they shared from their early Dalton days up until Blaine left New York.

The second box had pictures of a younger Blaine with his friends at Dalton. He hadn’t seen these since the rock salt slushie incident.

The third box wasn’t really much better. It was filled with memories of Finn with members of the glee club at various ages.

The last box seemed to be random. Pictures of Tina, Sam and Blaine. Family photos of his and Kurt’s family. Even a picture of Kurt when he was around 12.

Kurt grabbed that one fast. “Where did you get this, Blaine Anderson?”

“Your dad gave it to me years ago.” Blaine replied nonchalantly. “You’ve always been adorable.”

Kurt covered his eyes in disbelief.

“I guess you probably don’t want to know that I have baby pictures,” Blaine said, amused.

“Why?” Kurt began pacing.

“Because you’re cute,” Blaine laughed. “And I was making a slideshow for our reception”

Kurt stopped. “Can I see it?”

Blaine nodded and dug around the box until he pulled out a flash drive. He plugged it into his laptop. When the folder popped up, Kurt’s jaw dropped.

“That’s cheating Blaine!” Kurt said in mock offense. “You are not allowed to plan out our first 10 anniversaries before we’re even married.”

“Well I guess you’re going to have to try and outdo me then.” Blaine teased as he clicked on the slideshow.

“Aww, you’re so cute.” Kurt gushed as a baby picture of Blaine came up along side his own.

“I didn’t really have time to add any audio or music” Blaine admitted. “But I was almost done with the slideshow.”

Kurt watched the whole thing loving how cute Blaine was. He couldn’t help but fantasize about them having a baby who looked like little Blaine.

“I think Somewhere Only We Know would fit,” Kurt suggested.

“I was thinking Til There Was You, actually.” Blaine commented.

“That fits well too,” Kurt agreed. “But Isn't Cooper suppose to being doing this?

“Would you trust this to Cooper?” Blaine shuddered.

“No, obviously. I’m just surprised that you let him be you best man if you aren’t going to let him do anything.” Kurt reasoned.

“The rings-” Blaine started.

“I’m not sure if I’d trust Cooper with them.” Kurt said, conflicted. “Can we give them to Elliott?”

“Of course. He didn’t see any of the baby Kurt if you were wondering.” Blaine reassured “I think he had plans for something. He wouldn’t tell me what it was.”

“You were really planning, weren’t you?” Kurt said, guilty. “I’m sorry that I was being so closed off.”

“Will you help me plan now?” Blaine asked insecurely.

Kurt leaned over and kissed him quickly. “Of course, I’d love too.”

Later that night after Blaine’s room had been fixed and their musical marathon was interrupted by Cooper, they did their nighttime routine.

Kurt discovered that Blaine hadn’t been doing any of his moisturizing routine because he couldn’t will himself to do. So Kurt did it for him. When he was halfway done, Blaine pulled him away from the bottles and initiated a make out session, because Kurt was being too cute with his expression.

Kurt eventually pulled away about twenty minutes later, the lotion smeared on both their faces.

“We’ve got to take our medicine now, honey.” Kurt told Blaine wiping his face as Blaine pouted

Kurt headed to Blaine’s bathroom and grabbed a few pill bottles. He took the pills meant for Blaine out and handed them to him. Then he pulled a bottle out of his own bag and took his own.

Once they had both washed them down, Kurt practically pounced on Blaine kissing him dirtily. It didn’t take much time for clothes to start flying off.

I'll admit as someone who is bipolar, A lot of Blaine's thoughts are also some I have.

#blangst #depressed!blaine #klaine #blaine anderson #kurt hummel #tw: suicide thoughts #Suicide #homophobia #ocd #my fics

16 notes · View notes

rememberstilinski · 7 years

Text

hey babygirl || theo raeken

word count: 2830

warnings: season 6 spoilers and adorable theo

prompt: none

author’s note: posted before, but my old blog was deleted, so now it’s on here!

Accepting the fact someone is gone is difficult. But accepting that the love of your life is gone, with no chance of coming back is heartbreaking in every aspect of the word. The McCall pack and I had defeated the Dread Doctors about three and a half months ago. That means Theo got dragged to hell by his sister three and a half months ago. And him being gone was taking a toll on me.

I missed him all day, every day since he's been gone. I know that he did really terrible things during his time in Beacon Hills, but I loved him nonetheless. I broke up with him after he killed Scott, and we stayed broken up. However, I still loved him and wanted to be with him. I would never forget how he made me feel.

He made me a lot happier than I've ever been. After the death of my family, I wasn't happy and I didn't think I would ever be happy again. Theo changed that. He may have brought a lot of pain, but he made me really happy. Being with him was perfect. When he got sent to hell, I wasn't even there. I was helping Malia and Stiles deal with the Desert Wolf, so I received the news second hand.

The latest supernatural threat was the Ghost Riders. They even took someone in our pack; our best friend Stiles Stilinski. We found his jeep and he ended up being a real person instead of a figment of our imagination. Today Scott, Lydia, Malia, and I went to Canaan, the place Stiles told us about when we made contact with him.

Lydia had gotten us to go with her after she had a dream about the strange town. We got there and it looked like everyone up and left. That's what we figured until we met Lenore and Caleb. Lenore was a banshee like Lydia and Caleb was Lenore's son. Hayden and Liam were working in something while we were gone, but we hadn't heard from them all day. They didn't tell us their plan either.

After a long day of almost drowning and dealing with the supernatural, it was time for me to go home. Alone in a big house filled of memories with people that were all dead and gone. My parents and little sister died during our deadpool problem. My whole family was werewolves. We were all betas but formed a strong pack. I was in aspects, apart of both Scott's pack and my family's pack.

I shrugged off my jacket, throwing it on the sofa and kicked off my shoes at the door. I sighed as I took off the healed boots, relieved that my feet were no longer in pain. Note to self: don't wear heeled boots when going to Canaan.

Walking to the kitchen, I opened the fridge and pulled out some leftover pasta from the dinner I had with Malia last night. I put the takeout box in the microwave and started the timer.

While waiting for my food to finish warming up, my mind wandered to Theo. I really missed him today, more than I usually do. When we were in Canaan, I saw him. It wasn't really him but it was a vision of him. Something in the air started making Scott, Malia, and I hallucinate. I think it was maybe wolfsbane.

I was walking around the carousel in the middle of the town square to see if I could find anything or anyone to talk to and there he was. He was sitting on the edge of the amusement park ride when I saw him. Theo looked up for his shoes and his heart stopping greenish hazel eyes met my Y/E/C eyes.

“Theo.” I whispered when I saw the figure in front of me.

He smiled softly, something he didn't do often. “Hey, baby girl.”

“W-what are you doing here?” I stuttered out. “You're not supposed to be here.” He stood up and walked over to me.

“I'm not.” His large hands grabbed mine. He looked really good. Theo’s brown hair was messily styled in his head. His face was free of any imperfections and his sharp jawline was free of any stubble. “I miss you, Y/N. And I know you miss me, too.”

“I think of you all the time.” I whispered, our gaze still connected. My eyes were threatening to let tears fall.

Theo brought his right hand to my cheek, running right on the bone. “I should've told you how much I loved you.”

Before I could say anything, a voice called my name. “Y/N!” I turned to see it was Malia that called me over. When I turned back around to look at Theo, he was gone. I sniffles and quickly wiped my tears from my eyes.

“Uh, yeah. I'm coming!” I called back to Malia.

The beeping of the microwave snapped me out of my thoughts. I shook my head and turned to grab my food. I sat myself down at the counter and ate quietly.

Just as I took my last bite, my phone rang. I looked at the clock and it was almost midnight. I pulled the device out of my pocket and looked at the Caller ID. It was Liam. And I had multiple texts from Scott and Malia.

I answered quickly. “Hello, baby blue?” I said with a smile on my face. That was the nickname I gave Liam when we first me. Cute kid.

“Hey, Y/N. Um, you need to over here as soon as possible.” Liam rushed out, sounding panicky.

I stood up and grabbed my keys from the counter. “I'm on my way right now. Is everything okay? And when you say ‘over here’, what do you mean?”

“Scott's house.” I heard Liam say into the phone. I put on the boots that I was wearing earlier and out on my jacket that was still on the sofa.

“Is everything okay?” I asked once again.

“Just hurry up and get here. I'll explain later when you arrive.” Liam said quickly and then hung up the phone.

I turned the phone off and shoved it in my back pocket. I hurried and made my way out the door, turning on the alarm system and locking before leaving. I got into the car parked in the garage and sped to the McCall household.

When I pulled in, I saw Malia’s car, Hayden’s car, and Scott’s bike. Nothing looked too out of place. Quickly turning the engine off, I got out and walked up the steps of Scott's house. I knocked on the door waiting for someone to answer.

Liam's face came into view as the door swung open. “Hey, what's going on?” Liam grabbed my wrist and pulled me in the house, staying hallway.

I heard voices but wasn't too concerned on who was talking. “Okay, listen to me. Don't freak out when you see who's in there.”

“Liam, I'm sure I'll be fine.” I shrugged, a reassuring smile on my face. Liam nodded with a sigh. He began walking towards the kitchen and gestured for me to follow him.

“Okay, guys. What's the problem this-” I said as I entered, but I was cut off when I saw what was going on. Hayden was holding a transitioned Malia in her arms and Scott looked as if he could kill. I looked to the other figure in the room and saw a familiar face.

I gasped, my hand flying to my mouth before whispering, “Theo.”

Theo smiled softly like he did when I saw him in Canaan. “Hey, baby girl.”

“W-what… h-how?” I stuttered. I had to close my eyes and reopen them to make sure I wasn't dreaming or still being affected by wolfsbane. When they opened, his perfect figure was still standing there, in Scott's kitchen.

“Why are you here?” I finally uttered. I'm sure my eyes were wide and shock was written all over my face. Liam had made his way from standing beside me to standing next to Scott.

“You guys need my help with the Ghost Riders.” Theo told me. “So, here I am.”

“How?”

“Noshiko brought Kira's sword and let Liam and Hayden use it to bring him back.” Scott said to me, his words laced with venom and hatred. That was something I've never heard in his voice.

I suddenly felt really dizzy. “I'll be right back.” I whispered. I walked to the bathroom and closed the door quickly. I had to process all this. Theo was back. Theo Raeken is back in our lives. He got out of hell. I guess if anyone could come back from hell looking perfect, it's Theo.

What did this mean though? What did this mean for the pack? For our relationship? I don't know what to do. Yes, I want to be with more than anything. When I saw him in Canaan, it felt so real. His touch felt real and I just wanted to fall into his arms. I just wanted him to hold me again. Now I have the opportunity.

A gentle knock at the door interrupted my thoughts. I sighed before opening the door. Theo was there. He was looking at his shoes, but when he heard the door, he looked up. “Y/N.” He whispered, not quite sure how to approach the situation.

“Hey.” I spoke. He brought his hand to the back of his neck, scratching nervously. I bit my bottom lip, not knowing what else to say.

“I missed you. I missed you a lot.” He said, eyebrows furrowing in a manner that said he meant the words he just said to me.

“I missed you, too, Theo.” I whispered so quietly, I wasn't sure he caught it. Apparently he did, because he stepped closer and pulled me into his embrace. His strong arms around my waist.

I wrapped arms around his neck, and leaned my head on his chest. “I'm sorry.” Theo mumbled. “I'm sorry for everything I did. I'm sorry for killing Scott. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you. I'm so sorry, Y/N.”

“It's okay, Theo. I forgive you.” I breathed out. “And you were perfect for me. You still are. There wasn't a day gone by that I haven't thought of you.”

He kissed my head and let me go, but held me close enough to still be pressed against each other. “How? I'm a monster. Baby, I'm barely even human.”

“Not to me. To me, you're perfect. You're everything to me. And these past four months without you have been complete and total hell.”

“You have no idea.” Theo sighed, and I let out a breathy laugh. “In all seriousness, I'm not good for you. I don't know why you're even talking to me right now.” He looked down in sadness.

I placed my hand on jaw, lifting slightly so we made eye contact. “I'm talking to you because I love you. I love you so much, Theo.”

“I love you, too, baby.” He took my hand and laced our fingers.

“Let's go home, yeah?” I asked him, my tone gentle, but serious.

“Home?” He questioned, a soft grin growing on his face.

“Home.” I confirmed.

“Okay. Let's go… home.” His happiness gave me something I haven't had in a long time; comfort. With our fingers still intertwined, we walked back into the kitchen. Malia had finally calmed down, but she still looked angry. Scott turned to look at us and saw our hands.

“Scott, I-” I began to explain myself, but Scott cut me off.

“It's okay, Y/N. I heard everything.” Scott sighed. He looked at me and nodded.

“You're okay with this?” Theo asked, surprised.

“Not exactly, but you make her happier than I've ever seen her. You're good for her.”

“Thanks, Scott.” I whispered, but he heard it and smiled at me. Scott and Stiles were like older brothers to me. They always made me happy and they were beyond protective of me. Stiles not being here was hard, but I don't know what I'd do if him and Scott were both gone.

My gaze moved to Malia and she was looking back at me. “I don't like Theo, but I'm not going to keep you from being happy again, Y/N. You're my best friend and I want you to be happy.” She smiled. “Theo, if you hurt her, remember I'm a werecoyote who killed her own family, I won't hesitate to kill you, too.”

Theo looked genuinely scared of her words, which was strange for Theo. “G-got it.”

I cleared my throat. “Well, uh, let's get going.” Theo nodded and we walked out of Scott's home and to my car. I sat in the driver’s seat and Theo in the passenger's seat. We drove in a comfortable silence back to my home.

When we entered, we kicked our shoes off and I took my jacket off once again. “Before Liam called me, I was going to take a bath. Do you want to join me?” I asked, nervous if that sounded too desperate.

“I would love too.” He smiled. Theo picked me up bridal style and carried me up the stairs and to the bathroom. Once we were in the room, he set me back down on my feet. Theo turned on the bath and the water began to fill the big bathtub. I took off my clothes as Theo took off his. I couldn't help but admire how he looked.

His arms were still strong and very well built. His back muscles moved in such a beautiful way. His torso was toned perfectly. Theo wasn't that big, but he was a decent size. “What are you looking at?” Theo smirked as he caught me staring.

“You.” I said, confidently. Theo’s smirk turned into a smile that warmed my heart. “Ugh, I'm so happy to have you back.”

“Me too, baby girl.” I started thinking back to when he called me by my real name. He never used my real name unless it was a serious situation. He always called me princess, baby, or baby girl. All the nicknames were music to my ears.

The bath filled up to an appropriate level before we turned it off. I got in the tub first and Theo came in right after me. He sat behind me so my back was pressed against his chest. My head fell back into the curve of his shoulder. Eyes fluttering closed. He placed soft and slow kisses on my temple. He laced both of our hands and everything in this moment is pure bliss.

“I love you.” Theo whispered in my ear. The way he whispered it sent chills down my spine. The words went straight to my heart.

“I love you.” I hummed.

“Before we broke up, I was going to ask you something.” He suddenly said. I slowly opened my eyes and turned my head so I was looking at him.

I raised my eyebrow. “What is it?”

Theo’s large hands cupped my face and looked into my eyes deeply before smiling. “Will you marry me?”

I smiled, leaning into his hand. I rubbed his hand that was over my cheek. “Yes. I'll marry you.”

Theo leaned in and pressed his lips to mine in a fierce and passionate kiss. The movement was somehow intense yet relaxing. Every time I've very kissed him, it was indescribable. It made me feel different than anything I've ever felt.

His hands caressed my bare back and the touch caused goosebumps to rise in my skin. I smelt the love and lust radiating off him in chemosignals and I'm sure he smelt the same thing coming from me.

His pink lips were soft and inviting. The warmth of his skin against mine was comfortable and felt like home. My hands moved to the nape of his neck and tugged softly at the strands of hair. Theo groaned and that gave me the chance to enter my tongue.

Theo always had this vanilla taste to him. Whether it was in his lips, in his mouth, or on his skin. I don't know why, but it drove me crazy. It add me hungrier for him.

The movement of water was heard in the background. The drips falling from our body and making a soft drop into the water filled my ears, as well as his the rising of his heartbeat.

I pulled away so my lungs could grasp onto air. Our foreheads stayed pressed against each other, noses nuzzled together. “I've been waiting to kiss you since I last kissed you.”

I smiled, softly biting my lip. “Well you don't have to worry about not kissing me anymore, Mr. Raeken.”

My fiancée laughed softly, but the noise carried around the bathroom. “I can't wait to spend the rest of my life loving you, Mrs. Raeken.”

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torentialtribute · 5 years

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Playstation fans might love the idea of a European breakaway but football fans would hate it

You are a slimeball who lost his own values for the money, just like Alan others. Your job is to defend the common train that you use. People look through it. No, little brain, my work is journalism. It was when I started as a teenager at Hayters Sports Agency in 1982 and that's it now. So my career – I was promoted from publishing to paperwork in 1983 – dates from before the Premier League came in almost a decade. I was in a national newspaper in 1985, the year of the disaster at the Heysel Stadium, a time when English football, no jus train at all, had no friend in the world. And many of my biggest career prospects come from writing about subjects other than football; columns at the front of newspapers, for example, and wider sports. So journalism is what I do for money, and if football ends tomorrow, it would still be. The expansion and success of the game is a happy coincidence, not something that I feel I have to defend or protect. I am against many of the breaks with tradition, from separate leagues, against European elites and senseless altered comics and my values have not changed since I started. I even took the time to answer idiots like yourself, to misuse and hide in the anonymity behind egoistic aliases on the internet, to place their dribble. Oh yeah. This column will not exist forever, so I will do what I always do from here. Put some good music to amuse myself and try to speak to the intelligent in the room. Give it to 13.05; Let it build and everything will fall into place.

Scudamore, a little return.

Scudamore must call Sir Alex Ferguson and then thank him, and then give his bonus to a charity. Then he would have to call the various presidents Manchester United never compromised to negotiate our own TV deal and to thank them. And yet on the leaving party of Scudamore the video of thanks came from Ferguson and David Gill, which would suggest that they had a better idea of his contribution than You, Lewis. Yes, Manchester United would have done a great deal of damage by breaking it down and only doing it on TV rights. But who do you think they will convince? Who explained the virtue of a competitive competition – both financially and ethically – instead of what could have been developed throughout Europe? Who saved the peace between the elite of the Premier League and the rest? Who has allowed the elite to expand so that now every season six clubs and stakes can set their sights on the Champions League? Manchester United did not act out of charity, especially since the acquisition by Glazer.

[Spaans] [Spaans] [Spaans] [Spaans] [Spaans] [Spaans]

So many northern teams – Sunderland, Aston Villa, West Bromwich Albion, Middlesbrough , Bolton and Coventry, just to name a few – are trading in the lower division. Within ten years the Premier League will consist of southern teams and Manchester City, Manchester United and Liverpool. Money has killed our beloved game. Englandisbest, Birmingham.

Huh? There is every chance that at least two, and maybe more, of the teams you mention will return to the Premier League next season. And what about teams from the south who have been killed, such as Charlton, QPR, Portsmouth, Ipswich and Reading? There is no north-south gap caused by finances, only the usual cyclical success and the failure of football clubs. Sunderland will be back one day, just as a club like Fulham will inevitably fall (and then return). Half of the professional league clubs have now experienced the Premier League and the idea that the top division will one day be three northern clubs and 17 from the south is frankly ridiculous. London may have a marginal advantage in foreign recruitment, because it is the capital and easier to sell as a basis for players and coaches from abroad. That also has its flaws, because a player – or even a manager – may put the location at risk for the wrong reasons.

Point three: Raheem Sterling.

In the period of, about, 1939-1945, there was a very influential politician on the territory of Germany, who was also a product of his time. Before anyone ridicules me, calls me insensitive or throws a PC wordcloud – I said verbiage, I meant refuse – to me, I do not compare the actions of Sterling with those of that politician. I only point out that you can make excuses throughout history for many awful things, just by saying that they are a product of a certain time. Most players do not do what Sterling does every day and certainly not so often. He should be ashamed. I know he will not be, but that is not surprising. And you have to stop justifying and making excuses for him.

Unbelievably, this was in response to a column that said that Sterling's decision not to clean up about his journey in the Champions League – what resulted in a ridiculous penalty award against Shakhtar Donetsk – makes him a product of his team; a time in which professionals are conditioned to take advantage in all possible ways. Suddenly I defend Adolf Hitler. Look, Hitler was not a product of his time. There are certain economic, historical and geopolitical conditions that contributed to his rise, but he was essentially a mass-murdering psychopath, with manic Jew-hatred and what he believed to be impure races and specimens. Sterling was a man who stumbled across the football field and in a fraction of a second weakness broke out of a bad referee. He is not a Hitler. He is not Mussolini. He is not even Boris Johnson.

] Martin Samuel can tell the difference between the old Division One and the Premier League to explain? Note: there is no other difference than governance and better marketing. And yet we are bombarded with statistics about records in the Premier League. There is no difference between winning Liverpool Division One in 1990 and Manchester United winning the Premier League in 1994. They played many of the same teams and the same number of games. Manchester City was praised for being the first club to reach 100 points, which is only relevant to the final tables since 1981 when three points for wins came in. Perhaps a journalist is willing to look back at the records to see if a club would have gained 100 points with three points for a win. Just a thought. Or you could do it yourself. It is searching for two seconds on the internet. What am I, your researcher? I mean it, how lazy do you have to be? You could not even bother to check when three points came in for a win, so you got it four years wrong (I corrected you 1985 to 1981). And the level of Manchester City's performance was fairly broad in May, but here it is again anyway. Most points under two to win in the old Division One was Liverpool with 68 in 1978-79. Manchester City got 100 points last season under the three-point system. Liverpool won 30 games and drew eight, however, were still a deficit of the century with 98 points, even under the new system. Never forget that they played 42 games that year. Their total under three points for a victory would then be 2.33 points per match, in contrast to City 2.63. So City was the best champion, and the best Division One champions would have been second with 11-12 points.

Regarding the difference between the two divisions, I have often written about the false notion that football started in 1992, not least when Jamie Vardy came closer to a consecutive scorecard against. held by Ruud van Nistelrooy. Yet Van Nistelrooy was only a Premier League record. The real was held by Jimmy Dunne, of Sheffield United, and dated from 1931-32. I devoted a whole column to him and the fact that we have a tendency to ignore performance that took place for our modern television time. Having said this, the Premier League has existed long enough, and football is different enough to manage individual columns in the record books – or at least distinctions. On Saturday, West Ham became the first team to give four or more goals to the same team, Manchester City, in four consecutive home games (three in the league, one in the FA Cup), as City itself went up heavily to Wolves in four games between 1957 and 1960. However, football was higher then scoring and three of those games were won with a margin of one or two goals. So the performance of West Ham is considerably worse, because the Premier League is different in some ways.

Did not go to America to report do the Chicago Cubs that won the World Series? The concept without a degradation franchise may not be the failure you think. There is a blueprint to make it a success.

Yes, but it is not our blueprint. I have reported on American sports, with its franchise system, and seen how it works, but what is accepted here is an abomination to us.

I suspect that most fans under 25 are fond of the idea of a European Super League. Attitudes change and this idea will become more and more acceptable. Rock, Northampton. Fans under 25 who actually go will not; and they are the football needs of fans.

I totally agree that the last thing football needs is a European competition, but the argument has to be to consider all sides. You're right when you say that the big clubs need the Premier League, but the blow is that the Premier League also needs the big clubs. You only have to look at the difference in viewing figures for Sky and BT if they have one of the big clubs and if they have two teams from the lower regions. All you have to do is watch the sports pages of a newspaper, including the Daily Mail, to see who gets the most coverage. It is not only about the appeal of a European League, but also about what happens to the Premier League when it is deterred from its biggest names. In an ideal world, the profession would remain high, because it would be even more competitive, but realistically, at least in the short term, the presence of the big clubs and the big names plus the newness of the competition would make a European League an attractive package. . to TV companies.

But it is short-lived, as you say. And then Juventus discovers that they are a mid-table club in the new setup and are Arsenal relegation candidates – except relegation will not exist, so they just play a terribly boring season – and the competition flops and the TV companies lose interest. Yes, the Premier League needs its name titles – but it is a symbiotic relationship and must be treated as such.

Martin sounds a bit like Juncker who warns Great Britain against the Brexit. I would say that it is only a matter of time before some European Super League replaces the current Champions League. The financial rewards are also great and tempting for the European elite, especially because they have the constant uncertainty that they have to end up in qualified positions. And as far as the artificiality is concerned, the Premier League could not be more artificial, with most of the big clubs that are not owned, run, managed, coached or played by anyone. Billiam Shears, Bury.

Yes, and Juncker was completely wrong with the mess that was Brexit, was not it? I can understand how annoying it would be for the biggest clubs to go through the bad things, which are actually worthy of qualifying for the alleged elite competition, but for the other it is precisely the definition of artificiality in sport. In contrast to the idea that foreign investments, property or talent are wrong, which sounds rather petty and insular. Like Brexit.

The panicky words of a West Ham fan. If the big six were to go, they would bring TV money and sponsorship. The big companies do not pay millions for the smaller local support from clubs like West Ham, Everton or Southampton. They pay for the global audience of Manchester United, Arsenal, Liverpool and Chelsea. You know how it works, Martin: the paper you work for produces ten times more stories for those clubs than the others, because they are the ones who get the readers. All the best players will also want to play in the Super League, so expect a lot of version characters making it harder to hold players. Some clubs will be fine, but the smaller yo-yo clubs will not like it when things like parachute pay. Panicked West Ham fan? On the contrary, I wrote a column in which I invoked the bluff of every club that threatened an escape. Notice how quickly they all deteriorated when they saw the public response, and especially that of their own fans? They could not run away from the smell quickly enough. Please, go. I pull up an armchair and turn off the popcorn. Weasels in a bag, after two years. Guaranteed.

Think of Kerry Packer? They said it would never work. The changed cricket forever. Wiganer 65, Wigan.

Really, because I could swear that I will report this summer from The Ashes, and not from a Packer-inspired circus. I have better conditions for the players. That is hardly the problem in football, right?

In Nigeria we have about 200 million people who want to pay premium prices to see big clubs play in South Africa, let alone in the neighborhood, It's a problem. Do you not get the most out of your income from TV nowadays? The International Champions Cup flops because clubs bring reserve players, but stadiums will be full as the best to see. Given the decision to view my team against Cardiff and Huddersfield as opposed to Real Madrid and Juventus every week, what would I prefer? Even you know the answer to that Martin, so you can write all the impurities you want, but the Super League will be a great success. I think your real anger is that small clubs like West Ham can not get in. Emmanuelgold, Nigeria

So Nigeria has 200 million who want to watch football? So why is every half-valued Nigerian player in Europe? Why is your competition not flooded with money as a result of this passion? There is a difference between turning a button on a television or buying a knock-off shirt for which the club does not receive money and installs the hard yards. If English clubs would leave English football, they would be rejected by their core support, which has already shrunk within a few months. If those clubs were eliminated from UEFA, if their players were excluded by FIFA, they would go to a shell. Keep on turning on these televisions, but the heart of the game is in place and will always stay that way. Is there no Nigerian team that you should name yours instead? In this way, the best African players can actually stay in Africa. Until next time. This has nothing to do with anything. It is simply beautiful, and you simply can not be wondrous enough in the world.

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#Playstation fans might love the idea of a European breakaway but football fans would hate it"

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chaoscrystals · 6 years

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Every note in my phone 19

Maybe I can speed up the present. All I can think about is how I'm going to dominate the art world. I guess that's kind of fucked up? I feel dizzy and like my blood sugar is low. My body must look so disgusting I'm always burping. I must be disgusting that's why Ariel never hits me up All I can think about is how I want an art empire that is accessible to people of all races and social classes And how I want this sandwich I'm about to go eat. I'm so much fatter than I was when I was 18 that's why Ariel never hits me up anymore!!! :(__(_((((( It's really not worth beating myself up over. Pretty sure I got a yeast infection from fucking him anyway. * Why does my back hurt so much why does everything hurt why is life pain. when have I gotten to the point where I can hold all my pain and all my ecstasy at the same time, for one moment and then the moment ends and I'm back on the train again trying to make time go faster. If I was decaying I would look like black and pus and torn flesh, strips of flesh covering what once was my body. She killed me and left me in the woods to die. Put me in the back of her trunk. Headlights were right blue. Righteous and it was..she thought it was good. I wasn't either dissatisfied, but isn't dying to hurt and be sad? I could spit black tar right here and people would probably just turn away in disgust, I could vomit up maggots, yeah girl its the same as it is for you too. I don't want you anymore he always wanted me. I'm taking you with me. Now we are dead. It came to me in a flash I had a divine vision. Of music. And being alone. * The boy means everything to me I got him in the corner of my sleeve, oh the bend of my elbow i lean on the table looking over at you I see the empty glass it magnifies you I'm ready I'm ready we're starting again, you're starting to break my heart again * Male exclusivity needs to die. Some men really can't be around women if they aren't fucking someone it seems. Ugh. Get away from me. Wake the fuck up. Sorry that everyone made us think that our bodies alone are sexual and need to be covered. I do so many non sexual things with my body. Americans can tend to being lethargic. I'm so angry * Im all caught in vines . sleeping time leaks the day its dripping in green and surrounding me. Phonetically speaking I think your words have more meaning than you realize Pick it up again inspired by my friends and I'm feeling feeling so good. Pack up your bags and take a vacation take yourself to rockaway * There's nothing special about me I bet you could compare me to any other girl in the world and id seem just the same, got a pretty face and her head isn't too bad either. And if you asked me today id say I don't think nothing special about me neither but id tell you what I know, that I'm the girl who would love you the most. * The praise on the water sought after colorful lights and pure tones Praise phoning in for a second chance in glasses cracked in the pavement red warring the light and wearing it as a disguise, praise be had, our Lord has grown old * Y stomach is too full its so full but I'm hungry and I don't have the energy to digest. I never needed to eat that much * So excited to be your own boss until the app doesn't give you work!! I'm gonna stop acting like I'm not doing things for a reaction or to make people think something of me. I am. Including playing music I am almost to the point where I dont have near anxiety attacks from eating around people. Proud of myself Taking kindness at surface level only is probably not going to cause any progress. Take all of me, baby. Even if I'm mean from time to time. I'm not okay with people's boundaries being broken in a monogamous relationship. But I don't really believe in monogamous relationships. Maybe I'm just cynical but it seems like there are too many rules. Or maybe it's all a ploy to lure guys in because they'll think I'm easygoing but I'm not I want to tell everyone every single one of my thoughts that sounds like a fun game * Jonathan is on my mind I've always had a craving for a good hearted musician and someone who will counter my unbalance, prince charming rides in on a horse, who brought the horse into the street who's mans is that? Are they getting with the plan do they understand or do you only like me because i have connections to new dimensions * I'm in love with nothing This haunting feeling Like I know what comes next I'm in love with nothing There's a hole in my heart when its growing apart it gets darker and smaller and I'm falling in love with you again * It isn't fair he will never hear me. He will never see me or understand me, when the mere sight of him sends me spinning away from anything easy to feel, I'm feeling so dreary one second and the next I got jets on my feet, flying over the moon cause I'm so in love with you * I just enjoy Jonathan is my whole heart!! One day he will know * Songs to write out Gracias a la vida Stormy weather Good morning heartache Lover man where can you be April in Paris * I want to tell people how hard my life is! * My song for you This is my song for you I like everything you do When I see you its like a cool breeze graced me with unending presently waiting pleasant and unchanging you seem stable to me, and I even like you when you're rocky. I like the lyrics I like the melody, you're like music, lets make a baby And live together In the city and very far. We can have two houses and even a car This is my song for you I like everything you do When I realized it was you Wrap it in red and a bow, kiss my head, after your show I know I can be a hard one to break, I've heard all these stories of heart break, what do I choose, what to listen, use or lose. But I know when I'm with you my dreams start coming true * Deep desires Understand the universe. Have someone accompany me in my sadness and despair. I want to come back together I want to feel enlightened I want everyone to feel goddamned enlightened I'm definitely willing to open up portals make everyone realize we are collectively manifesting our reality I want everyone in new York city to know my name nova luz, the body inhabited by us. She needs a companion. Lets get her a partner or two. * How do i really feel about the boys that I think I love? My Spanish tongue isn't too sharp....I wish...shit man, you just have to try harder to get it right. Laser mind. Not tonight. Michael is the name of an angel and no matter how hard I try or how much I'm thinking about Jonathan I still wonder about Michael and we spent more time together than Jonathan and I ever have. Fuck me. What are either of them up to? Why do neither of them talk to me. Haven't seen either one in weeks. I think I feel like I'm attached or in love. No matter how hard I try to forget...not trying hard enough you stupid fucking cunt! You're so fucking weak nova!. I wish someone knew how much I fucking hate myself sometimes I don't get why I just internalize this and nobody can ever know and its always a dead end fall off a cliff and snap your spine on the rocks before you drown and are pummeled by the waterfall FUCK. I think about them every day I wish I had a boyfriend, but malificence red lipped and hooded with festering infections on her skin, she's standing in the way, she's guarding the little red dog in my heart, the little puppy with forgetful parents, crying and underfed in an alley way alone, you only care about the way it looks. The loving puppy. Loving little dog I love you so much I love you no matter what even if you took a knife to my throat severed my veins and rendered my body a corpse I would still love you. Shit man that's fucking intense. That's a part of me that needs some help. The unconditionally loving part.....have I been deceived? I feel as though she has been deceived, and people always want to exploit her loving nature. This is the world I live in today. What if I wake up tomorrow on another planet? Is my boyfriend going to be there? If it was a planet with fruit orchards brightly colored things little houses and healthy atmosphere I would be down. Since I'm making it up, my boyfriend is there too. He loves me and we only need each other. I love him so much it fills me with fullness and vibrancy. He loves me so much. We spend most of our time together enjoying the planet, and sometimes we cook a big feast together for our friends and they come over and we all play music and drink wine * I guess now is an appropriate time to work on my issues with jealousy right? Actually...maybe ill wait What if it was a giant poetic metaphor? Green goop spilling from my heart and getting stuck in my pelvis..melting out of my pelvis out onto the floor. My physical my non physical. Non psychic but spiritual. Elephants from India are a shymbol for wealthy. And poor. Bread. Winning. Happy family. Sad family. Bread. Okay Maybe now I can work on my massive jealousy issues. Okay I'm going to start by listing scenarios that make me jealous Any female speaks to a boy that I like (level 10 code red situation) Someone's life looks shinier than mine Julia's in middle eastern vogue My friends have things that I want Other people have things that I want Other peoples bands are playing at cooler venues I am literally not a musician my name is Harriet and I never leave my apartment. Yo these sensory hallucinations are too much sometimes. That was a side note. I think my biggest issue is that when I am into someone in a romantic way, I get really upset when I see them talking to like, anyone of the opposite sex. Or of the same sex with Ursula. Or when someone is skinnier than me. Sometimes I get jealous cause of that which is not allowed because I am not allowed to have an eating disorder. Why is Julia getting so much attention while simultaneously being underweight and anorexic??? Noooo oh my god is she okay? Is everyone else okay?? Why is that allowed are you people fucking retarded? I can't do these things without having a million other thoughts. But I'm breaking the surface which is something. This is a deep fear for me I don't intend to leave unchecked. * I want somebody to love. I think writing all this sad lonely poetry can't be helping kts hard not to hate yourself sometimes. I wish someone was reading this. I really want a boyfriend so badly but I'm resisting it because in want it to be Jonathan so I'm waiting for him and ignoring everyone else.that's scary I don't know where he's at. He never talks to me. I want to smash glass bottles over his head for being so detached Fuck you!!! He never talks to him I mean me but I think about him pretty much every day.this hurts Why am I being like this? Lately everything I do is to get his attention. I want to cry. I hardly get any attention from him this is ripping me up inside.I just keep these fantasies in my head and I fall in love with them but it's an illusion I'm in love with an illusion. This hurts my chest. All I want is his attention and he isn't giving me any!!! I should turn around and walk the other way but I know I wont because I'm still in my fantasies that we are the same and that he gets weird crazy visions as well and that I was a part of his. I think I'm going to be wrong. My heart.. * I'm hitting the resin in my pipe again. And writing semi cohesive notes about my feelings. Am I using boys as a distraction from my problems? Why do I always want someone to hear the most insecure parts of me....I always always share my deep insecurities, like, first before we even get to know each other. What a weird kind of flirting style that's so weirded out by myself. Like, why? Do I not realize that most people are too in denial to accept insecurities in someone else? Especially in a package as cute as a nova. I have some pretty great ideas in my head..heart..butt..whatever...all of me......... Dot dot dot * Feeling A poem by nova luz palaquibay brener Written in September of 2017 I can feel everything. Mannequin pussy is famous they were in new York Times and rolling stone and a bunch of other big name publications. In happy for them. Not like when Julia's thing got famous. Even though I didn't spend a ton of time with any of these people, they changed my life. I still feel a little intimidated by that world, by the professional world and its cutthroat attitude. I don't really like it or want to participate. I just wanna have a nice apartment with a nice boy and wake up at 7 am every day. I still want to play rock music Its fun Mannequin pussy has that song where Marissa goes "I'm feeling it all I gotta get home I gotta get up" I'm feeling it all I'm feeling it all I just want to share a room with a nice boy and Rowan can come too And we can have small shows where we support each other for the things we love about each other and we still love each other when the other one is being an asshole. I don't like thinking of myself in a negative way. It feels bad. I'm very childish. I'm insecure that the things I do aren't big enough. That's stupid. I'm mad at my mom for always acting like everything was a huge deal. Like, nothing was ever just chill and normal everything was something. I'm childish inside * September 7 2017 Dear j boxer, There are actually several thousand things I would like to be saying to you, but I don't want to overwhelm you and lose you. Oh my god. You make me so nervous. Did you realize?at flowers for all occasions. I have never been more stressed out at a show in my life. I was hyper focused on what you might be thinking of me. I want to pour out all the imbalance I feel and you can watch it run down into the drains Yes I still think about that. And don't think that the only side of me is erratic and unbalanced and bad, everyone has so many sides. I know you think the way i play is interesting. I know I can play well. I feel like I am everything when I think about you. I think about you every day. Would you still love me when I am nervous and insecure? Love me like this or you'll never love me at all, you can only leave me if you don't love me like this, my all. My heart. Sometimes I get chest pains What do you think about me? My dream partner is someone I can put together shows with. but not ordinary shows. I don't know. But it would be something. I can envision my dream partner: active, healthy, compassionate, loving, open, creative, enjoys sex, kisses my neck. Is it fair to tell you this? Am I asking too many questions? Is it fair that I want to tell you all this but we haven't exchanged a single word in weeks? I can't explain it, its a feeling in my body, it feels so electrifying I don't ever want to stop. I'm sorry I have to test you so much. I can't help it. I think I'm like that with everyone. I wonder what you are doing now? If I said I wasn't feeling good would you sit with me in the park and put your arm on my shoulders? Even when my eyes are puffy and dry? * I don't know there's a vacuum in my heart and silver worms that live inside the vacuum, ever present resilient love the lasting energy in my blood, that they feed off of. Freed some space for their babies I know it couldn't be any other way, but sometimes I resent my mother for leading me to believe this. Because my religion is based in pain, my suffering will cleanse my sins and if you don't know then you must be unclean, I got to tell you how I see it. Everyone is looking at me Cause there's maggots in my heart, I can feel them squirming around, I can feel the top shell of muscle straining to get ahead of them to get on top of them, maggots squirming around in my heart, eating my muscles. My mind is unfocused. All I can see is misery. But its okay. The lord wants me to be this way. With a red-skinned entity hanging onto my shoulders and telling me "no, don't go there, you dog". Maggots in my heart. Maggots eating my heart * September 8 2017 Dear Jonathan Hi, how are you? Its been a couple of weeks since we last met. I am pretty much still the same. Hopefully I'm going to get a job teaching kids! Maybe one day you will fall in love with me. What have you been thinking of since I last saw you?do you want to tell me? Do you think about me? Do you want to hold hands? Can I kiss you in the dark on the street? Can I kiss you in front of people? I'm trying really hard not to take things too fast. Part of me really believes you and I are the same person. I really like how you make me feel..I always think about what it would be like to fuck you again. I really want to. I think I will. But there's one thing I'm wondering. Like what kind of relationship do you want? Do you like the idea of having me around or is this like "ill see you when I see you" No it can't just be fine I have insane feelings about you I need to know. I can be fine with what you want..I just want to know I'm not gonna hurt myself falling for you when I don't need to. If I'm just living on the promise of what I think you and I could be, I need to know if I'm right, right? Oh shit this doesn't sound good I'm spiraling into a panic. Oh god. Just tell me if you want to be with me!! Sorry I kind of get these intense insecurities. Then I like to wallow in them. Love me? Hah. To not end this letter on a sad desperate note, I will say the following: I like how you look I think you are very handsome, I like how you sing and play even when you lose your focus you sound amazing to me, I want to kiss you all over be naked with you and have my chest against yours, and feel your arms. I hope you don't mind me saying I love you and that I have a lot of love for you in my heart because I am insatiably attracted to you, and I also think you are kind but distant, and I think you are very loving and radical in your ideology, but you aren't annoying and liberal and show-offy about it. I like how much you know about music and music history, I think you are really smart. I want to kiss you all over. I feel so passionate when I think about you. It feels like you live in my heart and that's why I love you. I really really want to tell you. I don't know what could happen I just need to fuck you. I want you so badly, body and soul and mind. * August 9 Honey I want to marry you I love your sweet and bitter tastes Even on your sour days You make me believe That all my desires can be mine And I know my heart is true When I'm near you Yes I may have immense pools of jealousy, but honey, its nothing to me, when you bring me back home In a sentimental way, I say, oooooohhh you're too good for me The way we play together Like in our youth I feel like our life is a union, oh know honey I want to be true to only you We spend our days rushing around But I dream of a night where, without a sound I can slip into bed next to you, and you will hold me close, you're then the only other person I need to know, you're my everything Oh my honey I love you, you know I do, I would spend my days working for you, because I do love all the things you do And at night when the moods right, ill look into your eyes and say my sweetie, you know I love you.

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