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theroseadage · 1 year

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a literary wrap-up for '22 🫶🏼

#neapolitan novels #elena ferrante #kim jiyoung born 1982 #the namesake #saving francesca #the book eaters #shoko's smile #last night at the telegraph club #kaikeyi #jhumpa lahiri #i'm afraid of men #in the margins #incidental inventions #the copenhagen trilogy #fav books of 2022

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onebluebookworm · 10 months

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June 2023 Book Club Picks

Outlaw Marriages: The Hidden History of Fifteen Extraordinary Same-Sex Couples - Rodger Streitmatter: One of the most popular (and irritating) things LGBT people hear from scared reactionaries is "This is a recent trend that kids learn about on tiktok! There are no LGBT people in history." Rodger Streitmatter sets out to prove that assertion wrong by showcasing fifteen same-sex couples that were, for all intents and purposes, close enough to be considered married, from grandfather of American poetry Walt Whitman to glamorous actress Greta Garbo to social reformist Jane Addams.

The Trauma Cleaner: One Woman's Extraordinary Life in Death, Decay, and Disaster by Sarah Krasnostein: Husband, father, drag queen, sex worker, wife - Sandra Pankhurst was all of these things over the course of her life. By the time Sarah Krasnostein met her, Sandra had made a business out of handling trauma. In the filthy homes of hoarders and the lonely flats of overdose deaths, Sandra sashays in with a kind word and an understanding air to help people clean up when life becomes overwhelming. As Krasnostein explores Sandra's life leading up to the founding of her business, we learn what Sandra had to go through to become the Trauma Cleaner.

Afterlife: Steven, Sonny, and Del are "widows" - all three met in the hospital when their lovers died within a week of each other from AIDS complications. Through potluck dinners and emotional phone calls, they've tried to help each other pick up the pieces and move on, but things are quickly changing, and not entirely for the better. Del has turned to political activism to distract himself from his anger and pain. Sonny indulges in shallow hook-ups and new-age spirituality to find something to numb himself. And Steven is running himself ragged to take care of everyone but himself. When another friend falls ill, all three must make decisions that may effect the course of their entire lives and the future of their friendship.

I'm Afraid of Men by Vivek Shraya: Vivek Shraya has reason to be afraid. The world of the masculine has never been much to her but cruel and aggressive, forcing her to perform at masculinity to get out of her childhood alive. Even as an adult, that fear haunts her, forcing her to make compromises to steel herself against heartbreak, threats, and her own mental health.

Foolish Hearts by Emma Mills: Claudia didn't mean to eavesdrop on the breakup of power couple Paige and Iris. All she wanted to do was use the bathroom. But now Claudia is on the wrong side of prickly Iris's temper, and will do anything to make amends. Unfortunately for Claudia, that means being thrown into a production of A Midsummer Night's Dream against her will. But all that changes when she meets the goofiest, most charming boy she's ever known and she starts to legitimately bond with Iris.

#book club #june 2023 #outlaw marriages #rodger streitmatter #the trauma cleaner #sarah krasnostein #afterlife #paul monette #i'm afraid of men #vivek shraya #foolish hearts #emma mills

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mo0124 · 1 year

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march reading recap

1. the house of hades ☆☆☆☆☆ 2. the blood of olympus ☆☆☆☆☆ 3. devotions ☆☆☆☆☆ 4. the anthropocene reviewed ☆☆☆☆ 5. pride and prejudice ☆☆☆☆☆ 6. nevermoor: the trials of morrigan crow ☆☆☆☆☆ 7. i'm afraid of men ☆☆☆☆ 8. little fires everywhere ☆☆☆☆ 9. delicious in dungeon, vol. 1 ☆☆☆ 10. tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow ☆☆☆.5 11. i was born for this ☆☆☆ 12. cemetery boys ☆☆☆☆☆ 13. tristan strong keeps punching ☆☆☆☆ 14. the demigod diaries ☆☆☆ 15. lore olympus, vol. 3 ☆☆☆.5 16. gender queer ☆☆☆☆☆ 17. peach blossom spring ☆☆☆☆☆ 18. disintegrate/dissociate ☆☆☆☆ 19. fruits basket collectors edition, vol. 2 ☆☆☆.5 20. legendborn ☆☆☆☆☆ 21. that time i got drunk and saved a demon ☆☆☆.5

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words-and-coffee · 2 years

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Why is my humanity only seen or cared about when I share the ways in which I have been victimized and violated?

Vivek Shraya, I’m Afraid of Men

#Vivek Shraya #I'm afraid of men #quote #quotes #Im afraid of men

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sky-is-the-limit · 3 months

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How to remind some tlou fans that masc women are not men? Because some of yall are confused as fuck.

#yall are so afraid to write them as lesbian women #some smut really feels like I'm reading about men #tlou #tlou2 #ellie williams #ellie williams smut #abby anderson #abby anderson smut #the last of us

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lunarharp · 4 months

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more phoenix wright situations

#ace attorney tag #maybe i should tag this narumitsu or something. but i dont really care.#gearing up to rereading/illustrating bits of my fic i suppose...i think nick really is too dense to realise he's in love with edgeworth #without some scheming fop trying to intrude. i love villains like kristoph..villains can be fun..witnessing their pathetic folly..#or more like edgeworth would never have mentioned his feelings ever in his life if he wasn't sure phoenix reciprocates.#i want to see it this way because Falling in love during childhood with the person you're going to end up with. is not relatable #there have to be Situations that make you Realise.#as with orufrey i adore the idea of people not working out their romance with that person until their 30s+#but... i mean. even with orufrey i often think how alaira could be qifrey's ex. and oru having been pursued by noble fops through his work #there is that delicate sliver of time before orufrey start living together that such believable situations could have happened.#Then the relief of politely and amicably extricating themselves from those untenable situations #the idea of falling in love age 7 and saving your first kiss for age 35 or something is all very well but more relatable is #people realising how they really feel whilst trying something that ends up feeling wrong.#The comfort and joy of living with your dearest one as if it's platonic - much preferable to trying anything more with anyone else.#But i doubt i will ever portray that or mention it further. it is indeed very delicate to me.#and i really am an OTP FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! kind of person who can barely bear to consider this anyway...NOT a polyshipper i'm afraid !#so i wouldn't mind either if they do have their first kiss in their lives age 35 with each other either. I would not mind that at all.#i love bi/gay couples apparently... bi father figures & their grumpy gay men waiting for them to work it all out...#not used to using colour in comic-style drawings..or at all..so this is messy and awkward looking..but colour is refreshing #i imagine i will go back to witch hat art soon btw. my destiny in life.#i still remember writing my nrmt fic expecting to write their first kiss & then partway through twas like Umm No. They have kissed prior.#does that really line up with this comic though... i think i had their early dinner dates/first kiss BEFORE disbarment.#so i guess this comic doesn't line up with my ficverse.... No..... U___U Oh well. sorry kris! <3

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ezralva · 5 months

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This man only speaks nothing but real life logic since day 1! 🫰

Smart boy indeed! 3rd generation family men after Choso and Geto 🫶

#wait all the jjk legit family men are somehow connected to kenny/kamo noritosho the ancestor i'm afraid lol such irony #ugh ty gege for drawing that 3rd panel where all my fav chara in 1 panel #and almost everyone is included here even those who have disappeared for long time and may not help much with the battles #jujutsu kaisen #mangacap #jjk chapter 244 #kusakabe atsuya #itadori yuuji #kamo noritoshi #higuruma hiromi #choso #yuji itadori

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uncanny-tranny · 9 months

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I'm going to be real, I think people (particularly neurotypical people) really fail when they see disordered eating as solely a behaviour when it isn't just that (and usually they assume the behaviour can only be restricted eating). Disordered eating is as much a frame of thinking as it is a "behaviour".

I say this is a failure because people are struggling, and they aren't receiving help they need because they're not seen as "eating disordered". The mindset that leads to somebody developing the behaviours associated with disordered eating is - in my experience - absolutely life-ruining and devastating. It genuinely feels like a huge part of your soul has shriveled up and vanished. When you see disordered eating as a behaviour, you are fundamentally not understanding what these issues tend to be, and how they arise.

This is so, so especially important for people who don't "look" the way society expects. For instance, the number of men I see absolutely destroyed by these thoughts, feelings, and compulsions is really almost astonishing. We need to do better for everybody - everybody deserves the help they want and need.

#mental health #mental health advocacy #disordered eating #disordered eating tw #eating disorder tw #ed tw #(and no this wasn't me saying men have it the worst but that it was an example of what i meant)#(a HUGE reason i go to the gym alone and never EVER follow fitness influencers is because they seem to be in a disordered mindset)#(and i do not think that is an indication that they are a Bad Person but that they are not in a good way and i can't be part of that)#nobody struggling with this is a Bad Person - they are simply human and they deserve to be seen and treated as such #i just have A Lot of feelings and thoughts about this #it is absolutely soul-crushing to be AFRAID of food...#...and like ime it's almost... worse than the physical aspects sometimes #(though again that's just in my experience and i'm not an authority or expert)

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morgana-ren · 1 year

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Bailey, Leighton, both weak spots for me. If you wanted to share any thoughts, any lewd disgusting thoughts or random ideas you'd had about those two I'm more than willing to listen

Oho-ho, you came to the right place.

So here's the thing:

Bailey and Leighton are both absolutely repugnant, reprehensible characters. Most people in this game are abhorrent, yes, but these ones strike a special note with me for a few reasons, namely authority-- and the abuse of it.

Bailey's label is 'Caretaker.' He's the closest thing to a father that you have, presumably raising you since before you can remember. He's a dark mirror into what a parent should be. Where there should be unconditional love, affection, and trust, he provides exploitation, cruelty, and despair. He has absolutely zero qualms with quite literally selling you and your fellows to the debauched denizens of the town and subjecting you to one of the worst experiences that a human can physically go through, and he does it on a dime. Even other terrifying people in town seem petrified by him, and that should give a clue to how awful he really is.

Leighton is the 'Headmaster.' He is charged with your education and safety during the mandatory hours you attend his institution. He is arguably responsible for the success and the happy-ever-after of every student under his charge. Instead, he uses this power to sexually exploit the defenseless people under his care. There are multiple people over town with lingering trauma from his actions, including Daryll, and even Mickey, who has become a paranoid recluse largely in part to these actions, and has you get rid of the evidence of this abuse.

It makes these two particularly disturbing. Remy, Briar, all of the rest of them are disgusting, but they aren't beholden to you in any manner. I suppose it could be argued that Harper, as your GP, is also doing this, but it doesn't quite feel to the same degree to me.

Now, in reality, I can be counted on to be a thorn in the side of any authority figure. I have a real issue with it, and I do not like being controlled or told what to do.

In a sexual sense though?

Listen, something in my brain must've gotten twisted up along the way to adulthood because nothing gets my engine going quite like someone abusing authority. Fucked up to say, perhaps, but it is what it is. Maybe it's part of being the world's biggest brat, but who knows.

There is something enticing and utterly terrifying about it.

Bailey has access to you at your most vulnerable. It is only through him that you have a roof over your head, food to eat, and a bed to sleep in. He's a stern man who brooks no argument. You could say he's mostly the main antagonist; the one keeping you from any semblance of peace or happiness in this town by seeking you out and keeping you on a leash that he's got firmly wrapped around his hand. He isn't openly lustful-- quite the opposite, in fact. He probably has a 'I will not fuck my ward, I will not fuck my ward' mantra he repeats in his head.

Your presence is required at school, and Leighton will use any and all opportunities to exploit that, and he isn't shy about telling you. While not as much of an active antagonist as Bailey, he certainly is as evil. He seems to revel in using his position to meet his own.. uh.. "ends" and you aren't his only target in doing so.

Bailey is more difficult to provoke than Leighton. It requires a high ass seduction check to even get into the position of seducing him, and even higher skills to get him off. He wants to see you first and foremost as a cheque to be cashed, and he makes a point not to muddy his hands in the goods if he can help it. However, if you squint, all the signs are there that he isn't immune to your siren's call.

When you call, he comes running. Scream in the bathroom? Oh, he's fuckin' there. Disappear for a little bit too long? He seeks you out. You're a grown ass adult and his method of punishment is... bending you over his desk to spank you? If you do manage to seduce him, I think he lets a bit more slip than he actually intends to, saying things like "You've always belonged to me" and other possessive sentiments (most especially if you lose your virginity to him) that sort of give away that he's clearly thought about this more than once and is seriously going to indulge now that he finally has you.

Leighton on the other hand? Leighton wears his lust on his sleeve.

If you step foot in the brothel (whether to work there or just to get yourself a shiny fake ID,) Leighton is fuckin' quick on the draw to grab you, which tells me he's had his eye on you for a while. If you proceed to work at the brothel, he hires you the moment he sees you. Annoy him for even a second at school? It's spanking time. Be a little bit of a rascal at school? Get your tits out and lather 'em up! You're washing his car while he watches and twitches because he can't openly attack you here. Try to defend Sydney and say you'll take a part of the punishment? My man practically crawls out of his skin right then and there.

He has a high level of self-control, but it is easily possible to drive that man up a wall with the right actions, and it's pretty apparent from the get-go that he has his sights set on you in less than appropriate ways. Thing is, he really won't act outright similar to Bailey. He's more a voyeur than anything, preferring to watch and document rather than actually take part. It seems like a control thing for me, and also probably so he has dirt on everyone else while keeping his own hands relatively clean, but like with most things, I bend parts of the character in my mind to suit my tastes.

They're both difficult to outright seduce. They're both controlling, hideous fiends that abuse their vulnerable charges. They're monsters. Powerful monsters capable of foul, dastardly things.

Can you imagine being the weak point of that monster?

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dracaelus · 19 days

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From The Uncanny X-men #200

This godamn issue, I swear to god- !!

I'm crying my fucking heart out. This was just too good. It broke my heart

#are you afraid? and with good reason #charles i'm not worthy-- of your trust of this awesome responsibility #please do not ask for what i cannot give #DAMN THE DIALOG IN THIS IS JUST TOO GOOD #THIS IS MY ROMAN EMPIRE #it will be hard. consider the alternative. well? I shall try #suppose I fail and betray your dream--?! OUR dream blast you!#I gave you my word charles come what may I will be true to it #all of this is rotating inside my head #kinda healing my traumas with how bad dc handled ghostmaker's redemption also #<- just kidding i'm still pissed #anyway this is a banger #issue 199 was also amazing #i don't think i'll ever be normal about this scene between erik and charles #i mean liked what they did in the x-men show but god- !!!!! wish i could have seen this #drac panels #marvel comics #magneto #charles xavier #cherik #x-men #the uncanny x-men

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transfemmbeatrice · 6 months

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beatrice muchadoaboutnothing is a trans woman: a brief treatise

thematically, i think in a play about the social vulnerability of women, having a character be a trans woman just makes sense as a way to provide depth to that idea. specifically, i love the concept of beatrice's view of men being informed by her own experiences as a closeted trans woman (it's amazing what people will say in front of you when they think you're one of them) and as someone later facing sexism and transmisgoyny.

usually when someone does a trans reading of this play/character, they look at beatrice's famous speech about wishing she was a man and interpret her as a trans man, which is perfectly valid! but this idea started for me with the simple thought that i wanted an out and accepted trans character to play with rather than a closeted one who cannot transition, just as a matter of personal preference at that particular time and with this particular text. but then i kept thinking.

as above, the concept of beatrice reading men for filth in the context of having lived among them is great. the "oh god that i were a man" speech is extremely disparaging of men and what they claim to be vs how they actually wield their power. what she wishes is that she had the power that men have automatically in her society--felt all the more keenly because there was a time when she was able to wield that power and she gave it up to be happy, to be herself, to be free in a different way. (here is where i sometimes imagine beatrice regretting ever transitioning, believing that her own happiness and health is less important than having the power to protect hero's happiness and health, because i love angst.) but now that the worst has happened, she is reduced to begging a man for help and it's demeaning and infuriating and tragic.

i also love turning on its head the line "i cannot be a man with wishing, therefore i will die a woman with grieving." being a trans person, dealing with internalized transphobia, knowing that transitioning will put a target on your back, wishing you could just be the gender you're born as--but no amount of wishing will make her not a woman. i think she loves herself and her gender but the play is focusing on points of conflict so that's what i'm talking about here.

in a play about misogyny, the vulnerability of women, and the hypocrisy of men, a trans woman has a unique perspective on both masculinity and femininity both as genders and places in society. (in the ideal version, i think john would be a trans man to mirror this experience, but that would require him to be rewritten to have actual depth and personality and all that is a different essay). there is also just a particular kind of strength that comes from having to carve out and defend your identity in that way which i think fits her very well.

lastly, a couple of other miscellaneous things from the text that can tie in:

beatrice recounting "a double heart for his single one" meaning both "i loved him twice as much as he loved me" and "i loved him as two people: [birthname] and beatrice"

benedick insisting he wouldn't marry her even if "she were endowed with all that Adam had left him before he transgressed." Adam, not Eve. in MY illustrious opinion, this is benedick saying "i don't care HOW big her dick is i'm NOT gonna marry her."

#also shakespeare loved crossdressing and gender fuckery so i think trans readings of his works are just extra fun #against me drinking with the jocks is such a beatrice song to me wrt a lot of the stuff i talked about here #some of this definitely also comes from vivek shraya's i'm afraid of men #also to note for anyone coming across this that doesn't know me: i'm trans/genderqueer so that's the perspective this is coming from #much ado about nothing #beatrice #much ado #trans readings #shakespeare #my content

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onebluebookworm · 4 months

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Ranking Books I Read in 2023 - 30-26

30. The Westerby Inheritance - Marion Chesney

I didn't manage to plow through an entire Marion Chesney regency series like I have in pervious years, but I did read a lot of standalones. And honestly, this one isn't even Regency, it takes place in the 1750s. Either way, it was...fine. Not my favorite thing Marion Chesney ever wrote, but still fun and silly and melodramatic. It does sure exist.

29. Alternate Channels: Queer Images on 20th-Century TV by Steven Capsuto

I read this on recommendation from Matt Baum (he namedrops it in one of his videos, I believe the Barney Miller one?), and it is indeed a great source for context when it comes to the way queer people are portrayed on TV. Unfortunately, the books goes into very minute detail about almost every appearance over the course of sixty-ish years (the edition I read was published in the very early 2000s), and that's a lot to slog through. Some interesting stuff if you can soldier through it.

28. Anthony Bourdain's Hungry Ghosts - Anthony Bourdain and Joel Rose

My heavens, this would have benefited from being a series. Or at the very least a longer book. There's some great material in here, and it's a shame that it's absolutely blasted through in the interest of getting through as many of the stories as possible. This could have been really cool, but it just felt like a simple flash in the pan, and that makes me feel really bad for Anthony Bourdain (more than I already did).

27. Black Paradox - Junji Ito

Along with Junji Ito's infamous ending problems, this one made me notice another disheartening trend for him - he can't pick a premise and stick to it. What starts as potentially a terrifying look into what can drive people to suicide with a potential supernatural twist quickly becomes a Lovecraftian horror story that is pretty heckin bizarre. Neither of them are bad story ideas, but they don't exactly mesh and it's a really clunky transition. There's still a lot of Ito's amazingly gruesome artwork on display, but it still feels kind of lame.

26. I'm Afraid Of Men - Vivek Shraya

Another one that I felt was simply too short. Shraya has such an interesting perspective and such a poetic way of talking about it that I would have loved to hear more. Like, don't go girl, we were just getting to know each other. A good appetizer, though, and I'll definitely be checking out her other works.

#ranking books 2023 #the westerby inheritance #marion chesney #alternate channels #steven capsuto #anthony bourdain's hungry ghosts #anthony bourdain #joel rose #black paradox #junji ito #i'm afraid of men #vivek shraya

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nists · 6 months

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a kiss?

#my drawings #swtor #star wars #lord malvan #vijay vong #malvong #swtor oc #sith lord #imperial school teacher #swtor ocs #sith warrior #mr vong #ramon tikaram #my partner said i succeeded in making vong look cute 😊#i'm afraid my lord malvan looks somewhat similar to ramon tikaram #i envisioned him before i knew ramon #gay sith lord #he's actually bi #but he generally prefers men

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problemswithbooks · 6 months

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Shark Genitals & World Building

So, I've seen this Q&A a few times now and it really got me thinking about Fish-man biology.

Now, to be clear, I think it's pretty clear Oda isn't being entirely serious. When you look at how he designs his characters he goes for whatever is fun. He's not doing extensive research on whatever aquatic species he slaps on his fish-men or Merfolk characters. This is why for a lot of them, if you look up what they are mixed with they rarely share much if anything with the animal he's picked.

Saying a character has two dicks is funny, so Hody has two dicks--that's all.

But taking the answer more seriously the idea that at least some (because they do vary so widely from fish-person to fish-person) have changed genitals because of their added fish anatomy is interesting from a world-building perspective.

As someone who has a special interest in animal biology and has watched a lot of documentaries I can say that fish have really diverse breeding strategies. So, I guess, if Hody can have two dicks because he's a shark, I wonder if this could be true for any other fish-people and merfolk.

We see that at least some fish-people do have children the same way regular humans do, but to my knowledge we don't see any pregnant mermaids. Given how much larger Neptune is then his wife, and how massive Shirahoshi is, I think it makes sense that perhaps like many fish, Otohime laid eggs that were fertilized separately (this is actually how goldfish mate).

It could be possible that the way mermaids or even fish-women have children depends on the father. If they are not compatible in size they can reproduce Ovuliparity (the way I imagine Otohime did), or if they are of similar size they either go the more human route or, after copulation they lay fertilized eggs (like the skate cases often called mermaid purses you find washed up on the beach).

There's also something to be said for the variations fish have with gender. Some fish are capable of changing gender. It's more common that female fish become male (protandry), usually the largest of a group replacing the dominate male in the group. This happens mostly with coral reef fish like wrasses, groupers and parrot-fish.

Meanwhile, anemone fish, like clown fish change from male to female. When the one female dies the remaining male will become female, while an outside male will become that new female's mate.

Then there are Black Helmet fish which are both simultaneously and take turns releasing eggs and sperm when they spawn.

So, if fish-people and merfolk had similarly diverse genders and ways of reproducing I think that'd just be really neat. It could also lead to some fun misunderstandings between fish-people, merfolk and humans.

Of course, I don't think Oda ever put that much thought into it. He just does whatever he finds fun character design wise. I mean, it's not like Arlong has barrels like Sawsharks do, and Jinbe looks nothing like a whale shark. On top of that the story isn't really focused on that type of world building. Nor do I think he could really showcase something that deals so much with sex--even if it is fish sex.

Still, makes for some really great head-canons.

#one piece #fish-men #merfolk #fish biology #Arlong #Jinbe #Jimbe #his name is always spelt different ways #idk i sort of wish there were more funny misunderstandings between fish-men and humans #i mean given how isolated they were #and that Jinbe grew up a orphan #he wasn't given an education and what he did get was based on the world he lived in #what i'm saying is that I don't think he knows Chopper is a reindeer or in the very least doesn't know that not all reindeer are sentient #I just want that one pic of Griffin McElroy replaced with Jinbe #holding up the paper that says 'idk what a reindeer is and now i'm to afraid to ask'#also i wonder if Arlong and/or his crew tried to give Nami the talk when she was like 12-14 cuz they felt they had to #not knowing she got it from her sister already (who got it from Bellmere before she was killed)#and she's just silently thinking 'what the fuck are you talking about?!'#already horrified that this was the one time they decided they needed to kind of act like parents to her #but they don't want to end up with any human babies so they're just like 'don't lay any eggs for boys you don't know'#it does mean she knows way more then she wants to about fish-people biology then she'd like though

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radioactive-cloud · 3 months

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taking deep breaths to calm down is not enough i need to be euthanized

#it's been hours and i'm still not okay in the slightest #i feel so sick it's not funny #what are they doing to me and my sanity #can't believe i'm feeling like this over two men being so deeply in love (doesn't matter what type of love it is) in my phone #they are so caring and tender and loving and always there for each other to lean on and they are not afraid to show this #they are proud of this #and they want the whole world to see this #fuck off oh my god #nace jordan #jan peteh #jance #janace #joker out #damon baker

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thebirdandhersong · 5 months

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am I simply............. to be an educational pit stop and temporarily necessary mental/emotional/spiritual support for the men I love for all time?? like yes the two boys I've loved in my life I DID love with all my heart however the first only started reading the Bible regularly and investing in his church community after I broke up with him (these were things I kept suggesting while we dated, but which he brushed off and didn't take seriously) and now it's looking like I am an emotional bookmark for the second. like I'm in between one page of his life and the next, and am helping him process and am teaching him how to deal with his emotions properly, but what I'm doing for him is literally all that I will be to him, and he likely won't remember me when I move out of the dorm and graduate.

#i DO love him i DO want to help him #however i do wonder why he's chosen to confide in me. why he asked me to keep him accountable for something #that by all rights was his responsibility and his own romantic business #he IS young and he IS kind of immature in this area and i get why he asked me. i really do. he was afraid and i'm his friend.#but anywayyyyy this has been a TIME #i am trying not to be like well why is it my job to better these men #not to give myself too much credit LOLLLLL it's not like i'm drastically shaping them in any way shape or form #it's just. i know how much attention and hidden care and worry and affection and consideration i put into all of this #i too would like to experience it the other way around #where i am not the only one who is paying attention to these things and wanting to support and care for and watch over the other person #not that i'm doing anything with the expectation of reciprocity. goodness no i'm not stupid enough to expect anything now #but it would be really nice. REALLY NICE. to not be giving and giving and giving #and then going back to my room and then crying my eyes out because it feels like it's either all for nothing or has no weight to the boy #the waiting room chapter

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