#i've been severely depressed and anxious for the past few weeks | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

a-tale-never-told · 6 months

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An Apology.

//Greetings, everyone. I completely understand what you might be thinking at this moment, upon looking at this title. You might be thinking "Is he going to repeat another self-deprecating rant about his insecurities about writing and venting on the blog?". To that commonly referred question, the answer is actually no, surprisingly.

//You see, over since yesterday night, I finally came to a realization of just how damaging my own actions were to this entire story blog, and how much of an absolutely selfish asshole I'd become within the past few weeks, and I am greatly ashamed of my behavior towards all of you and how I treated you all during this blog. That was wholeheartedly never the intention to make you all feel uncomfortable with my own mental health issues and anxiety and stress issues, while also placing the burdens of my self-deprecation on you all, especially those who are dealing with other mental health issues themselves.

//Yesterday, I came to a realization of the numerous key reasons why I end up going on these long, venting rants about my writing qualities and why multiple people have felt put off by the story, and I came to a conclusion: It wasn't just the writing quality, but my constant venting and self-deprecation over the issues of my personal life and my rather embarrassing ways on how to handle my depression, as well as several other factors that we'll get into later.

//I just want to elaborate a bit on why I acted this way in particular and why I'm absolutely terrified of my own insecurities: I fear being abandoned in life, both with my loved ones and with my friends, hence why I get constantly paranoid whenever I trust or talk to someone because you never can officially confirm if you can place your absolute trust and faith in that person, even your own closest loved ones. Throughout my entire life, I've been betrayed, manipulated, lied to, and humiliated by those that I considered close to me in my childhood, with my family being the only ones I could definitely trust.

//While I did make a few friendships back then, I certainly wouldn't call it a friendship as we often fought with one another, then we officially made up, and then we had another argument again, and the cycle repeats itself. I honestly never truly felt what it feels like to even have a friendship with another person or human being, as I've never really experienced any true bonds with others. Most of the time, I'd often get shamed, bullied, and harassed by my fellow classmates for the most ridiculous of reasons, and I, unfortunately, had to take it like it was completely normal, even when I tried to give those people the benefit of the doubt and repair our relationships.

//These types of mental behavior that I exhibit are something that I think most of you are familiar with, Social anxiety disorder. Social anxiety disorder is essentially characterized by sentiments of fear and anxiety in social situations, with blushing, trembling, and nausea, as well as having an overwhelming fear of humiliation and embarrassment. When you have that disorder, you start to feel anxious about how people might judge you or if they treat you with scrutiny whenever you interact with them, thus leading you to fear almost any social interaction, especially things like dates or talking to random strangers.

//I'm not saying this as an excuse for my self-depreciation and venting posts, because there are absolutely zero tolerable excuses for that, but it does offer a rationale or explanation as to why I become so mentally unstable to begin with because I never truly had any form of positive interaction with a human being outside of my family, and it wasn't untill this year where I try to overcome my disorder and tried to socialize more with others, though the mental and cognitive social issues still exist. It's just the fact that I get extremely afraid of other people abandoning me and leaving me alone to rot away, so that's why I become extremely paranoid whenever I see others.

//Another main issue is actually what Mod Bubbles pointed out in our conversation together on DMs: Hormonal teen angst. It's no official secret that we, as teenagers, tend to have those periods in life when we often like to complain and beat ourselves up for every single mistake we make in our lives. That's unfortunately part of the development process of becoming a teenager, and the ways I handled it were... less than splendid to say the absolute least, if the vent posts were any indication to go by.

//And speaking of the vent posts, I finally realized that I officially need to stop making these posts, as not only do they add endless filler to the entire blog, but I realized that it's starting to genuinely make all of you rather uncomfortable with how much I self-deprecate and rant about my insecurities towards a group of strangers and burden the rest of you with my own issues, which is definitely not what I wanted to do, but that might officially stem from another problem that I have.

//It's no secret that I've stated countless times that I'm insecure about my own writing, and how I've been writing this arc, while also being mostly a little jealous of the successes of The New Future and especially A Student Out Of Time, which is incredibly ironic when you consider I owe a lot of the inspiration for this blog to ASOOT and his storytelling, and these feelings of inadequacy and jealousy stem all the way back to my younger years, where I would feel jealous that no matter how much effort and hard work I put, I wouldn't become famous as my other classmates, who essentially became popular due to the growing trends of the late 2010s era. Granted, I had zero idea as to what those societal norms were, but it still infuriated me to see these lazy, selfish, bullies become so well respected, while someone like myself had to bear the brunt of their torment.

//Obviously, Bubbles and Freeze are most certainly not those kinds of people, and I respect them tremendously for being talented in their writing skills, but that feeling of jealousy from my middle school years hasn't really shaken off, and whenever I see an like on those two blogs and look at myself, I always return to those years back in middle school, and that instinct to let out my anger of years of being discarded and treated horribly often comes up.

//However, I have now come to a realization that I cannot continue living my life like this, to constantly be in this never-ending cycle of self-loathing and hatred, as this obviously benefits nobody in the end, and only serves to create more hardship for everyone in this space, and making myself look uncaring towards your feelings and acting like an entitled, narcissistic asshole, which is the complete opposite of what I want to convey.

//So I've decided on a new way to constantly improve my behavior and change for the better, and that's the fact that I will do my hardest to improve myself as a person and a human being. Throughout all of this, I have been discarding your attempts to help me with my mental issues, foolishly thinking that I had it all under control when it had become clear to every one of you that I didn't. And I realize that by continuing this downward spiral of self-hatred and frustration, I'm ending up unintentionally hurting the ones who are trying to help me get better, which was not even the intention at all, and I honestly feel tremendously guilty for doing so.

//If there's any form of advice that is relevant to this entire situation that I need to take, it's that I need to be kind towards myself and others. That means that I'll completely devote myself to giving myself time as well as others the time to reflect and cope with their own mental issues, as well as not constantly thinking poorly of anyone for small things, giving you guys space, showing compassion more frequently, and trying to show you all that I'm not some heartless weirdo that doesn't value your insightful advice on things.

//Two sayings resonate with me throughout this entire time I've been writing this post: "You have to love yourself before you can love someone else" and "Actions speak louder than words", both of which are very important to me not only for my mentality but for my own genuine belief as a person, that we should let our own actions, moral or immoral, speak for ourselves rather than just meaningless, hollow words. It goes a long way in improving relationships with other people, and I feel as if I have been constantly repeating the same phrases and promising that I'm going to better myself as a person without actually showing it. That's going to change, starting from this post onward.

//From now on, I take a personal vow to endlessly work and improve myself as a better human being and a better moderator as well, always trying to take your valuable advice at heart, trying to listen to whatever issues you might have, and constantly offer my advice and support to anyone that needs it here, being far more compassionate and understanding of any problems that you guys have, giving you the time and space whenever you need it, and the most valuable and important life lesson of all is to learn to love myself and stop burdening myself and others with my own socialization issues and mental problems.

//I just want to thank everyone who has constantly stuck around throughout this entire journey, despite my constant venting and ranting about my insecurities and childhood issues. A massive shoutout to people like @freezethunder @creepercraftguy @poisonrozen and especially @a-student-out-of-time for helping me and trying to get me out of those constant depressive stages, always being understanding of my problems, and trying to give valuable advice to heal my mental state. You all are amazing people, truly, and you don't know how much your comments and insightful ways of being compassionate towards others mean to me.

//I absolutely hold full accountability and responsibility for my actions, as I believe that my way of handling the situation was idiotic and at worst, hurting the rest of the fanbase. My sincerest apologies if this post was obviously not what you were all expecting from me today, as I originally never planned to make this today, but rather tomorrow once I finished the Kazuichi asks. But I could no longer put my own mental well-being and the well-being of others around me with my constant self-loathing and endless venting and rants about my failures as a writer. Remember that mental well-being always comes first, and for such a year that was absolutely stress-inducing and nerve-wracking on my physical and mental state in 2023, I felt as if I needed to address this issue because this type of selfish, irresponsible behavior needed to stop at some point, and it's better that I address all of this in one single post rather than let this become a gigantic issue later on.

//I hope you all can accept my most sincere and honest apology, from the bottom of my heart. But I know that these words don't mean anything if I can't show that I've changed and put hard work and effort into bettering myself, and I'm making that commitment to change, starting now!

//This is Mod Sam from A Tale Never Told, signing out. Have a wonderful rest of your afternoon, everyone!.

#mod talks #a tale never told

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legendary-raptor-trainer · 1 year

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Chris Pratt positivity post

Guardians of the galaxy vol 3 is out, I watched it aosta week ago on may 3, then on may 5 and since then I haven't recovered. Because, once again, after Iron man, I have to say goodbye to one of my most beloved hero team. The Guardians meant so much to me since I watched the movie in 2014. I entered that theater thinking the same like anyone else:This was going to be the first MCU failure. Who the hell would watch a movie with a talking raccoon and a talking tree?

I left that movie theater in awe. I discovered one of my other SI, my new obsession alongside Tony Syark: Peter Quill. Then I started having a crush on Pratt after watching him in Jurassic World the following year.

On May 3... I left the theater with that same awe but also bouncing in happiness because (SPOILER ALERT)...

Marvel told us the Legendary Star Lord will return.

At first I was just so excited because moments before that I saw one of my heroes leave the best MCU found family to make amends whit his past. He came back to death to love a normal life for a while. The team dissolved. I was in denial and heartbroken but then those words appeared on screen.

The following day the weight of what happened hit me. This was the last time I will see them in a movie theater, together, being direct by the genius of James Gunn. Who know, maybe one day another franchise surprise me and make me feel the same thing I felt while watching the Guardians of the Galaxy trilogy. But for now, this was the last time we see this actors under Gunn's direction for the MCU.

And man, I've been depressed, grieving a phase of my life, I save in my heart with fond memories of burying myself in fan fictions of the Guardians, of me reading and learning everything I could about Pratt and Peter Quill, and the following rolls he took in several movies.

I want to cry, want to hit my head because the feeling are overwhelming because I don't know what the future will be for Peter. Marvel confirmed us he is coming back but... Who will direct him? Who else aside from Gunn and Pratt, will honor and continue the work they have done with Quill? Haters gonna hate and will call me a fan boy but objectively, only few characters in the MCU are well written and have and amazing character arc. Tony Stark, Steve, Bucky, T Challa, and of course the Guardians. The rest, you can empathize with them but they don't feel evolved, I don't feel emotionally connected or understand their reasoning.

So someone else continuing the story of Peter Quill it's a big risk. And it makes me anxious, makes me feel overwhelmed with all my thoughts, makes me want to cry, scream or hit myself because I can't shut my mind and stop thinking about it.

Anyways, I'm talking gibberish right now and lost the point I wanted to make here.

Even if I feel a overwhelming amount of emotions, what makes me happy is that finally, after years of mostly finding post about people hating Christ or a small amount of content for the Guardians or Peter, now that the movie came out and it had moved everyone's heart and made us fall in love with this team again... I'm happy more people is posting and talking great things about the character, about the actor, the Guardians. Yeah, found a few Chris haters but I'm actually surprised some of them have actively admitted they're falling for him because of his hair and beard in the movie. Which I need to say is one of the cutest and hottest look Chris has ever have.

#chrispratt #i love chris pratt #i support chris pratt #i stand with chris pratt #peter quill #star lord #chris pratt stan #rocket raccoon #guardiansofthegalaxy #guardians of the galaxy 3 #guardians of the galaxy vol 3

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nyrator · 10 months

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I hope you're doing well. <3

Thank you, I be hanging in there.. A rough time mentally, but life just keeps going day by day

For a general life update for everyone: Kinda want to use this site more, but just not sure what I'd use it for.. Rambling time~

(tl;dr: anxiety's a butt, going traveling and cosplaying and will finally be seeing a therapist in a few monthss)

I've been in a huge art rut lately and just struggle with coming up with ideas what to draw, and have a lot of insecurities about the content of my past few pictures (which I think are against guidelines here so I probably won't post them on the RN tumblr after all.. I did update the website with all current images at least, but I still feel sick thinking about what I've made and regret it..)

Was in a huge wave of depression the past few weeks, but slowly climbing back out of it.. Still jobless and living off of being a vtuber on Twitch and art commissions, which is a struggle, but I'm just managing to scrape by- definitely been feeling the burnout, though..

Also going traveling across the country next week- meeting up with some online friends and going with them to a con, got a cosplay made and everything to go as my husbando Mizuno Yuu (I'd prefer a better cardigan, though.. the one I got was more yellow than I'd hoped and the only decent alternative I've found on Uniqlo won't be in stock in time, I think)

Still anxious about it, though.. will be gone for ten days, my social anxiety is very bad, and I'll be in an unfamiliar place hanging with people for the first time for ten days.. I'm not really interested in the con at all and I'm pretty scared about going, but will try to just keep my brain turned off and try to have a good time.

But yeah, otherwise just existing and floating around day by day- haven't been able to do much of anything and it really gets to me.. My anxiety has been so severe that it interferes with everything and I can't even think of doing anything because of it- anything can give me a bad panic attack these days, and I'm too afraid to take medication to treat it just yet, though I think it's needed at this point.

However, I did get a new primary doctor earlier this month, and they were able to find me a therapist for depression/anxiety and a nutritionist to see for my eating disorder- I'll be interviewed for that once I get back from my trip, so hopefully those go well..

#moomintrolledme #ask nyrator #answer #text stuffs

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thatwitchrevan · 2 years

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So this isn't inspired by anything except that some of the dreams I've had lately involve hotels and I find that interesting and I just feel like talking about this: my weirdest trigger is hotels.

Obviously I'm talking about triggers and in this case anxiety and anxiety/panic attacks so please scroll if you're not up for reading that, but I'm gonna keep it pretty light and I'm not in any significant stress rn so don't worry.

So yeah, I'm triggered by hotels a bit. Mostly being in them rather than seeing images of motels or thinking about them, although the concept in abstract can kind of make me feel melancholy or dwell on upset feelings. And there's no distinction here between hotels or motels.

The reason is that when my parents split up, me and my brothers and mom stayed in a hotel for about a week while my dad moved his stuff out. It felt alien and wrong and sad and lonely. I was going thru Lots of Stuff. I had my first major panic attack while staying there, and overall I just hated it. I couldn't sleep, I hated going from there to school and having to pretend everything was fine, but I also didn't want to tell my school friends "yeah, my parents are getting divorced and we're living out of a hotel for a few days and I'm starting to become aware just how deeply messed up I am. Anyway what's up with you?"

I probably could've, but I kinda would rather die. So I'm dealing with all of this basically alone because my siblings are kids and my mom's my mom. So I got a very negative association with hotels.

The thing is, I generally like hotels. Both before and after this incident I've enjoyed staying in them, at least when they're nice. I usually don't sleep well in places that aren't home but there's so much novelty in staying in a hotel and I love traveling. When me and my mom went to New Orleans we stayed in a really nice, really old hotel that was just gorgeous, and I loved it. But I also feel just a little uneasy and sad every time I'm in one, even like 8 years later.

So it's interesting that my brain sometimes throws hotels at me in my dreams. It makes sense, I've got both good and bad associations with them.

Anyway, I bring this up partly because I like to ramble and partly because I think it's important to represent the fact that triggers are varied. Innocuous things can be triggers and different triggers will affect you differently. I've got some things I won't bring up or think about because they just always upset me, and I've got things that have the potential to make me anxious or depressed but can also be fine in the right circumstances/mindset, and I've got things that I've got to prepare myself for or do some quick self-soothing damage control to prevent an episode.

Human minds are complex! Therefore so are our triggers.

And to be clear this is not something I ever need or want anyone to tag for me or avoid talking about. I've been in hotels in the past year and been just fine, this is one of those things I've got a handle on and/or doesn't affect me that severely anymore. However I firmly believe it's okay if you do need to avoid innocuous triggers sometimes and it's okay to ask, within reason, for people to tag certain stuff for you, with the understanding that everyday things can't always be avoided or treated the same as more serious and urgent things. That's a whole discussion with a lot of nuance but bottom line is no one should ever be shamed for what triggers them.

Also hotels are both liminal spaces and super versatile settings for all kind of fiction and I'm into it.

#griffin's life #this is more of a ramble than a vent #altho i do think part of the reason I'm dreaming of hotels is because I'm in another transitional period #a pretty similar one to before actually #this time we've moved in with our dad #and I'm much older and much more in control right now #but change is still stressful #and it also makes me nostalgic

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kierancampire · 2 years

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Just venting

Part of therapy today was mentioning that i still am upset that mum thinks i need a carer, and that she treats me like i am incapable or that i am still the same person i was when i lived with her yet never acknowledges why i was the way i was, but my sister who can't wash dishes or do laundry is completely fine apparently. And i said part of the reason i think mum feels this way is my sister has a stable job and i don't work

Even though Jayne rated me both severely depressed and severely anxious when i last saw her, even though i almost cried when she asked me to do something and i told her how broken i am and that i can't do any more right now, even though she has contacted my doctor about me, something she's never done, even though she knows everything that is going on and that i am going through right now, and even though she knows that i get enough pressure about that and that is partly why i opened up to her about being frustrated cause my mum seemingly places so much of capability in a job (though i feel even if i had one, that still wouldn't be enough for her). Jayne still questioned me about why I'm not working, gave me a list of jobs she thinks i can do, told me that i need to get into work, and told me that i am in a great position to get started on it now

She referenced our last session a few times, so she hasn't forgot it already. How can i go from crises to work ready in 2 weeks? I literally ended up have a meltdown yesterday cause of my neighbours noise, I'm struggling under so many things right now that I'm struggling to live, yet i can manage work?

I won't deny, i don't want to work, i don't wanna be stuck in a thing that takes all my time and energy and causes severe stress, that in return maybe gives me enough to just about get by if I'm lucky, and i have no one and nothing else to help me get by. But at the same time, i don't wanna keep living like this as it's miserable, lonely, and there is guilt. But my confidence in my appearance, my mental and physical health, it just ain't there, i also have no idea what i wanna do or what i could do, as I'm not like other people, i can't cope in something that has me unhappy or suffering and force myself through it, i crash, lose my shit, things go bad

And one thing I'm sick of, I've been saying for years that the largest reason I'm not working is because of how crap life has been and all that's going on, and i feel like it is starting to sound like an excuse after all these years, trust me, I'm sick of it more than anyone. But this has been my life for these past few years. It has been like that. No stops. No breaks. There's a reason I'm so depressed, miserable, and burnt out. Even if i had the self-confidence (which is another severe issue) and felt mentally and physically i was more capable, I've been going through so much and have so much going on, i dunno how i woulda managed a job ontop of it all, i feel like I'm barely managing as is

I hate it, i feel shitty about it, i hate whenever someone new asks me what i do for a living and i say nothing. I hate that from others and even internally all my worth is placed on my having a career, i hate that i feel i can't, i hate putting it off, i hate feeling it is inevitable, i hate not knowing what i could do, i hate having all these issues, and i hate that life keeps being almost nothing but shit. But what i also hate is, when I'm literally venting to someone about this, and how shitty it makes me feel due to everything going on, and that person decides that's the perfect moment to add to the issue, grill me on it and try to pressure me into it? And that's the person i go to for support?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, i don't have one person fighting my corner, but i sure as shit have everyone fighting against me, even after hearing how much I'm struggling. Part of why i cried on my way back is my mind went to some real dark places and I'm starting to struggle in seeing how that is the illogical part of me. I just can't keep going on if this is my life and the only person handling it all is me, and if i dare go to another person, every time they just fight against me. I'm so burnt out and can't keep doing it. I don't know how i will if it goes on for much longer

#personal

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bustour · 3 months

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tldr: plz plz plz start wearing a mask again if you have stopped

I've had a really hard time with figuring out how to communicate this, I don't want individuals to feel judged or attacked, I place blame mainly on the gov for not doing more to make people aware of the risks and how effective masking is, not providing people with free masks and accessible PCR testing, but maybe being venerable here will help someone feel seen, or give someone information they didn't already have, so here goes.

I am not comfortable going to events where people are not masked, and it's been more and more isolating this past year. At the beginning we were "alone together", and people were vocal and seemed to understand that when the government fails us, we as individuals need to step up to protect our communities. When things opened back up I was lucky enough to be in a community that still for the most part wore masks indoors. That has stopped almost completely. It makes me sad and confused to see people, and spaces that in theory are inclusive and accessible, completely give up masking.

What that comes down to for me is it means I don't see people as often, I don't go to indoor events, music and art shows as often. When I do go out, I get extremely anxious being one of only a few if any people masked, and I don't go out for a while after. It means I'm more prone to periods of isolation, which leads to the depression I am very prone to as a bipolar II person. It's confusing because a few years ago I would have said I'm so lucky to be in a community that cares about our most vulnerable, surrounded by people who are informed about the true dangers of this pandemic and do what they can to keep themselves and people around them safe by using layers of protection like masking and keeping up to date with vaccines.People who see the push to go "back to normal" is not based in science but in capitalist greed.

I don't really know what to do about it except every so often try to remind people that there are a lot of people like me who don't feel safe, and therefore we are excluded from society. People are told if you are at high risk of complications use caution, which in this day and age means stay home. I am not currently "high risk" but I know multiple infections will fuck over your immune system, and "healthy" people can get long covid from one infection.

I’m very cautious and have still gotten it three times; each time was when I had gotten tired and started to let my guard down a little and I regret it so much, I can’t imagine how many more times I would have gotten it if I wasn’t trying as hard as I am. I may have actually had it more, you can be completely asymptomatic, it happened to me at least once, I was lucky enough that I happened to get a PCR test that week but never would have known otherwise, and could have been contagious and spread it had I gone out unmasked. Another time I had it I wasn't feeling sick but had been traveling so wore a mask when I went back to work. After the first day I started feeling sick and tested positive, but none of my coworkers got it even though we were in a small room all day together because I had worn that mask.

We're not seeing hospitals overrun like the early days, but the long term consequences are still severe, brain damage, organ failure, heart disease, ect. Among other very scary things, I've seen predictions that there's about to be a wave of early onset dementia which will affect generations to come because of how multiple infections slowly harm the brain and neurological function.

While I acknowledge wearing a mask kinda sucks, it is actually not that hard, especially when you think about all the good it is doing for you and the people around you. You can still live your life, you can do everything you're doing now while you wear a mask. It protects you from many other infectious diseases too! It blows my mind that this wasn't common practice before, it now blows my mind that we grew up going to school or work sick when we weren't completely incapacitated, think about how many colds and flus we were infected with/infected others with that could have been prevented with just a mask. It is never too late to start masking again, or to get the new vax if you haven't yet.

So yeah, basically I'm begging you, wear an N95/KN95/KF94 mask (anything else doesn't work for covid aerosols), find a mask bloc if you can't afford them (maskbloc.org), get the new vax every time one comes out, make the effort to get free tests while they're still available. Because if you don't you won't see certain people as often, because they are alone in their house wondering why the world gave in to capitalism and gave up on humanity.

#self #personal #covid #masks #pandemic #not over #wrote this for ig but thought I'd put it here for the five ppl who still follow me #love y'all

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iridescentclaws · 6 months

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x_x So many numbers to worry about. Anxious about seeing doctor again on Tuesday and also other appointments that haven't been arranged yet.

I think I'm doing okay so far. i think I'm mostly used to the needles/poking myself since it's not as bad as I thought it'd be. Fucking annoying I have to do it before every meal + before bed. At least before bed it's just for checking blood sugar but still. I miss not caring about what I had to eat. I wouldn't say my diet before was healthy but also wasn't the worst. I miss being able to eat comfortably, have sweets every now and then. I miss my microwave udon and ramen. Miss my hot cocoa. Didn't get to enjoy at least one candy cane before I got diagnosed

I did sleep okay last night, didn't wake up several times. But I still feel so tired. Feel like I have no time for anything because all this is taking up so much real estate in my head.

And I think I've been doing better to manage my feelings and stress over this. It had to have been impacting my blood sugar because I've been eating so little, doing my best to keep carbs, sugar, fats, and sodium down. Everything. Because of that it's also been a struggle to make sure I'm actually getting enough calories. It's such a headache. And all the advice I see when I google is just like "Cook a 20 ingredient dish that would take you easily an hour or more to make!"

And I know it's healithier and better that way but I just don't have the energy. I was depressed before, how do you think I feel now?

I keep telling myself to go look up recipes so we can get groceries to do so and every time I go and look I'm just feeling like "I can't do that.."

I've been having bell peppers with cream cheese and smoked salmon for the past 3 days I think it's been. I don't mind cooked bell peppers but I've been having them uncooked cause it's fast. also Idk I'm sure it would alter the nutritional values if I did. And it just sucks. Especially with such a tiny amount of cream cheese. It's the texture, a lot of foods if the texture is off I can't enjoy it. I can get it down but sometimes it's a struggle. Having shitty plain oatmeal sucked, was like eating cement. I added a bit of cinnamon but that barely helped. And I know there's more things I can add, like sweetner or fruit or whatever. but for me it's still a lot of work and thinking, and I didn't have anything like that around so that's what I had.

I've been trying to find apps and stuff to just plan meals for me but it's such a headache and a lot of them you gotta pay a subscription. I just want to be able to prepare everything without thinking so hard about it. I don't think I have dyscalculia but I'm often running numbers through my calculator over and over and over again + asking others to check my math on top of that. Re-reading over and over. I get so paranoid and its justt dfghdghhh

I just wish I could have something like dog kibble and just have that for every meal. would it still make me feel depressed just having the same shit over and over again? Maybe, but I'd KNOW for a fact I'd be getting all the nutrients I need and very easily and efficiently. So that fear is just eliminated. also sometimes watching like mukbang/food review channels while I eat helps. It makes me feel like I'm eating that instead of the fucking air I've been eating.

I'm trying so hard not to feel one way or another about this because like I said I'm worried about my stress levels affecting my blood sugar, whether or not that's something that can happen but i've been told by others it can. and ofc it was really bad those first few days and also the entire week. I feel scared to cry, to be angry, to have any kind of stressful emotions and it's making me feel so numb like I have to be a robot. having anxiety and paranoia on top of that, something I can't fully help it just makes things so hard

also i've had to take insulin every single time after I was given it. there has not been one time where it was not over 130, cause anything at that or lower I don't have to take it. But I have that and metformin and still it's been higher than that. doing my best to walk for at least an hour after every meal to help that.

i wish I could've somehow had a day to be like.. the last day I can just enjoy food and not care. I wish I could've gone to a seafood buffet one more time, had as much as I wanted. had as much sushi as I wanted, had as much dim sum as I wanted, as much soup and stew and ice cream and cake and fries and potatos.

oh well.

there's really no point in complaining about it

#diabetes #vent

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emilyandawildgoosechase · 1 year

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Lexapro Saved My Life- My Anxiety Story

TLDR; I struggled with anxiety management for 2 years before being prescribed Lexapro. I can't remember ever feeling this good and happy and hopeful before in my life. I feel secure and settled and am looking forward to the future now.

I have anxiety. I feel like it is SAD but the only diagnosis I've ever received was GAD. I also probably have some PTSD and depression but those are just the side pieces in my marriage with anxiety. I think I've probably had anxiety my whole life but it came to a pinnacle when I kept breaking down crying in the bathroom at my work in early 2020. I was pretty hopeless during those times. I used to fantasize about driving my car into a wall, like those ones you pass when you go under a overpass. I passed one every day on the way to work. I've never told anyone that before. I could not envision the future. It looked so bleak and hopeless that I absolutely could not even begin to envision it. I couldn't have a serious or important discussion without breaking down into tears and then worrying over it for days on end. I definitely think my condition and inability to manage it were part of why I was let go at that job. It got so bad that I went to urgent care one day after work. They prescribed me a antihistamine to take when I was having panic attacks and I started therapy. My therapist was not good, those sessions did very little and I eventually stopped going. Several months later, at the beginning of the year 2021 I moved to Virginia and got a remote job. I started therapy with a Betterhelp therapist. She is phenomenal and this therapy was a huge part of me starting to get better. I went every week for 8 months. I then reduced it to once a month. I loved therapy, I really think it helped me a lot. I still go. A few months ago, however, I feel like I hit a plateau. I was not improving and I was still having issues being anxious all the time over every little thing. I even went to the ER because I thought I was having a heart attack. I was not. Over this past thanksgiving I was at my fiancé's parents house and I had another break down. I was sitting in their lanai crying because I thought they hated me because my dog jumped on their couch. I was trying to hide it because I was so stressed and ashamed. My partner even offered to drive us the 12 hours home the Tuesday before thanksgiving to make it better. They absolutely weren't mad at me, I was just being an anxious mess. We decided to stay but I decided I couldn't live like that anymore. I did the only thing I could think of and made an appointment with "Hers", an online subscription based psychiatric service. The doctor prescribed my lexapro. I definitely started feeling a lot calmer pretty fast but around 6 weeks after starting a light just switched for me. I am so much happier and calmer and more in control of my emotions. I feel so settled and secure in my home and relationship. I no longer spend days worrying over the slightest mishap. I was so worried that I would lose myself on medication, that I would go numb or be dimmed. That has absolutely not happened to me. I feel more myself than I ever have. I still get anxious occasionally but it no longer rules my life. I am just so glad I started the medication and that I was strong enough to get help. I also want to shout out to my fiancé. He has been my biggest support since the day we met. I am not sure I would have been strong enough to get help if I he hadn't been so supportive and encouraging in the beginning. Having someone to encourage to you get the help you need and supporting you while doing is game changing.

#lexapro #anxiety #depression #happy #awareness #therapy #mental health

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elyyssi · 2 years

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Tranquility Behind the Storm

The pandemic's outbreak utterly caught me off guard. I never imagined that things would end up like this and go through all of that back then. Perhaps I was naive at the time, thinking that nothing could possibly affect the fact that everything around me would last. I experienced a lot during the recent outbreak, whether it was happy or sad, but I can't deny that it taught me a lot. I became aware of several things that I had previously ignored.

I was in ninth grade when the pandemic began, and the year ended early. When the school informed us that we would have a week off, I recall that we had no idea that that day would be the final chance for us to go out and see each other. I initially believed that since there would be no more school, I would be pleased. For the first few weeks, everything was enjoyable, but as time went on, the days grew depressing. During the pandemic, I am unable to do many of the things I am used to, including seeing my friends, dining out, traveling, and many more.

I learned a lot about myself and my family during the past two years that I spent at home. I observed that during the lockdown, as it was prohibited to go outside, my family and I grew closer. Because even though there were just three of us at home prior to the pandemic, we were unable to reach an understanding. I came to the realization that it might be because our family doesn't bond enough. We got used to each having our own things at school and at work, so we don't have time for each other. We did nothing at home during the pandemic because nearly everything halted, including work and school. We now spend a lot of time conversing with one another because it has been our past time since that time, which is good for the entire of our relationship.

I also learned certain things about myself, including how I had lost my enthusiasm since the pandemic. I become reserved and timid. I got anxious every time I left the house because I was used to being home all the time. At first, I was unaware of that. I used to think that my shyness was normal, but until now, I still have trouble getting over it. My last name used to be loud in class and with my teachers, and I used to participate in class activities and join everyone. But I made an adjustment once the online class began. I hardly ever take part in events and recitations.

Even I feel disappointed in myself since I believe I have changed from that. As a result, I have struggled with my academics ever since. Not because of other people, but because of myself, I was under pressure. I worry that I'm not the same person I used to be and that my marks will suffer as a result of my infrequent participation and recitation. I'm still trying my hardest to achieve decent grades, though. Even if I still don't recognize myself as I once did, I know that I'm improving in some way, which is one of the things that motivates me to keep going.

The first time I started a relationship, where I just learnt a lot, was one of the pandemic's remarkable events that changed me the most. I've known him for almost three years. Before we started dating, we spent a lot of time together before we got into a relationship. Naturally, we struggled because we were both unfamiliar with the circumstance in which we could not see one another, unlike our previous close friendship. We were very adventurous at the time because the online class had only recently begun. Because that's not how we're used to living, we struggle every day. Until the pressure we felt caused us to lose time with one other and decide to stop. I spent most of the pandemic in oblivion, at the same time constantly struggling with the process to survive despite the threat of the pandemic. One lesson I took away from that experience is not to rush.I admit that during those times I became impulsive in making decisions. I didn't think about what could happen if I went right into it. I did not consider the possible results of my actions, especially since the situation was different then. As a result, I began to think differently. It kept growing as I learned to admit my mistakes and humble myself. I developed personally, and I can still remember his parting words to me. He stated he didn't regret how our relationship turned out, which I couldn't believe at the time but eventually came to understand. He won't make me regret it either if it's me, because that experience helped shape who I am today. I was better prepared back then for my future challenges, and I now have a better understanding of what to do. Even throughout my healing journey from that experience I also learned something. For two years the healing was neither straight nor continuous. There are days when I’m okay, but there will come a day when it will reconnect with me again and I'll be hurt again. "Relapse" they say. I don't mind that at all. Even if the healing does not continue, it is still important that there has been improvement. That's also one of my takeaways from what I've experienced, not to rush anything. Everyone has the right time, in my perspective. Even though you are not satisfied or happy right now, in the right time, you will eventually be.

Despite the fact that a lot occurred over those two years of conflict, one advantage was that I learnt a lot. I developed as a person as a result of the experiences I had with my family, friends, or a special someone. I can claim that I have made significant progress, primarily in terms of my personality and way of thinking.

#NewNormalNewMe #KabataanEssay

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nightswithkookmin · 4 years

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JIKOOK AND THEIR SHENANIGANS-pt1

Disclaimer:

This is my opinion and perspective of Jikook. I do not intend nor imply malice by my choice of words or by my interpretations of BTS' contents. Nor do I intend to be disrespectful of any member herein mentioned.

Do not take my words out of context in furtherance of your own agenda. You are the author of your own intentions and interpretations. If you do hold yourself accountable first.

PREFACE

I am done with with Jikook. Lol

I swear to God by the time they officially come out as a couple, if they ever do, I'm going to be left with severe PTSD.

Pray for me.

A lot has happened with Jikook these past few weeks. A devastating lot. Everything was going great and smooth and boom- we were hit with yet another anomaly in their dynamics. It was usual given us most of the things that had happened were entirely new to their dynamics yet not at all surprising in the grand scheme of things simply because unpredictability is Jikook's schtik and as I've come to terms with, part of their dynamics- you'll get used to it if you are new. Welcome to the club. Lol

I have shared snippets of my thoughts here and there on this whole development as and when it unfolded and said I wasn't going to deliver a comprehensive commentary until later so here it is- grab a glass of wine or coffee. It's gonna be long. Bless.

WHY I WAS HOLDING BACK

Contrary to what some people say and assume about me, I don't pull my opinions on Jikook from my ass- a dollar to the jar. Lol. I don't base my perspective on Jikook's relationship and dynamics on puff and nada. Where is the fun in that? I may be delusional about somethings but... Anywho.

I have said time and again how when it comes to Jikook moments there's always context and subtexts we are missing- it's a challenge trying to fill in the gaps. Probably part of the reason I'm obsessed with their dynamics. Lol.

Most of the theories I share with you on here are based on my observations of Jikooks interactions over a period of time. My objective has always been to try and understand the motivations (context) behind their moments and interactions, some of which I find fit a pattern while others- I never want to tackle or even think about without several pain killers and depressants until years later when a piece of content is released to provide better insights into their dynamics.

Jimin's birthday is one such moment for me. While I understood and even predicted JM's use of 5/8 in May this year was going to be a substitute for May 13 because I felt Jikook were not in a good place, were under heavy scrutiny in SK within that time period- starting with that March 30th VLive which I believe had led to a ban on Jikook using the platform on their own(especially Jimin- JK was already under ban but we will get into it later) given as BTS's content had changed drastically with heavy VLive supervision and the pg 13 contents they were made to make post that JM's VLive; then there was rumors of Dispatch's alleged conflict with BigHit, BigHit's IPO, Jungkook's Itaewon scandal- which of course were all confirmed later on that month, I felt the prospect wasn't looking good for Jikook to Jikook as wildly and as openly as they did.

Now you all know about my wild assumption about JM taking space out of their relationship due to JK coming on strong around that time so I'll spare the details.

Contrastingly, post BigHit's IPO, post Soop since Stay Gold era I felt things were looking great for Jikook. They were back to Jikooking. I felt they weren't being monitored as much by their bandmates and had a new found freedom within BigHit to do their own things as it appeared BigHit had begun 'managing' and presenting them as a brand- which I have written dissertations upon dissertations on so I won't get into.

JK and JM had started their online flirty banter thingy, even Dispatch seemed good with Bighit posting BTS official photos etc. Jimin too posted for JK on his birthday, JK came out on social media to gear up for JM's birthday and then puff- ashes. We hit a wall.

Now I know some people are speculating there was too much attention on Jikook within this time frame which is why JK didn't post- uhhmm, I don't buy it that view. There's always attention on Jikook. It's usually the negative attention like around March-June that holds them back from Jikooking. In opinion. I wouldn't call the attention they are or were getting within that time period negative.

Then there were some who speculated JK wasn't going to post because he hadn't posted for any of the members since Jin's birthday last year which again I didn't buy into. Jk is fearless and doesn't shy aware from making bold expressions of his love for Jimin. Him posting for Jimin would have been a bold move but nothing exactly new.

We've seen his GCFs. Enough said.

Personally, I felt he had showed up on social media a few days to JM's birthday to promote his music but to also prepare the grounds for when he posts on Jimin's birthday.

I genuinely felt he was gonna 'out' Jimin with that post and have people raising all kinds of brows like they did with GCF Tokyo, Saipan and Helsinki. Lol

Why did I think he was going to do this?

DECEMBER 4TH 2019

Jin's birthday. Now I have given y'all the back ground to this timeline and so I will just hit the highlights- Rosebowl, New Jersey VLive, JK getting drunk on his Jun VLive which I felt led to a ban on him from making solo live on VApp since 2019 to date- his recent Solo live was on YouTube mind you.

Prior to this I felt he and JM had earned a ban from making a VLive together until their 2020 VLive which was heavily monitored as I have speculated in past posts- again this is just my opinion.

JK, I felt, was being 'reckless' within this period. He was making bold moves and pushing the boundaries of his relationship with Jimin and even teasing the gates of the glass closet they are in. It certainly didn't help that the You too movement in S.K and the whole Idol sex abuse scandals in Kpop was on going as I've mentioned before-which had led to August's issues. Again you know my theory on the whole tattoo girl scandal so skipping.

October we had the whole cancel Jikook hashtag trending after Jikook's performance of I still want you and the whole you are me, I am you schtick.

In all of this I felt Jikook were fine.

November is when I noticed Jikook having 'issues' in their relationship (rolling my eyes at Silver) lol. Now again I won't go into all of that but you can check the real time contents/ behind scenes content on BTS around the time period and draw your own conclusions on that.

Then came the December ups and downs, JM flinching and dropping his face when JK went to sit by him in Jin's VLive- JK's awkwardness around Jimim. Now I know some people interpret this Live as that they were fighting? I won't call it fight fight perse. Lol. Issues, perhaps?Just seemed to me JM wanted to keep a low profile because again they were under heavy public scrutiny around the time which was what I feel was causing RM to keep an eye on them throughout that period- by keeping an eye on them I mean he was invoking the spirit of Jesus between them Pentecostal style. Bless him.

But seems JK wasn't having none of that, clearly. Lmho. There were already alot of restrictions on him since June in the way he used social media(Vapp) he and JM were not allowed to VLive together, he couldn't solo Vlive no more and now he couldn't even sit right with his man- I approve of the frying pans Jk. I APPROVE. Lol.

All this is my opinion of course.

But I think that is what he meant when he kept saying it's been a while he did a solo live and didn't even know how to do one anymore in his recent YouTube live- Jk can be passive aggressive in that way but we will get into that YouTube live in a bit. Hang in there.

So with all this going on I felt I understood him when he missed Jin's birthday on Twitter. Felt like a silent protest to me. But then again I thought perhaps it was just an impulsive act on his part.

Then he missed Tae's Birthday too and I thought hold on- this man is up to something. He was gonna a statement with that in retaliation to all the ban and sanctions and interferences with his personal life.

I was just following this whole drama with anxious glee towards a big reveal and then- cricket's ass ass deadass. Chilee. This man is cruel! Lol. I'm gonna need therapy to process this one on god! Lol JK!

My Right brain said perhaps, others had been right after all and he hadn't done all of that missed birthdays on purpose at all but had only acted impulsively in the heat of the moment given everything that had been going on with the group in around Jin's birthday- Mama 2019, we all know what had happened.

I felt perhaps, the moment he missed Jin's then he had to miss everyone's because if he wished any other person a happy birthday people were going to ask questions. People were going to assume he hated whoever he didn't wish a happy birthday.

But then my left brain- the crazy delulu side, also thought otherwise. I had a funny feeling that JK really intended to post only for Jimin on his birthday since he had been gearing up for it and that the only reason he wouldn't go through with it was if JM had asked him not to.

Why would JM do that? Because he enjoys the glass closet- he loves to flex his bond with JK, tease their relationship, claim his man, he wants people to know JK is his man because he is happy with him and proud of the man that he is but that doesn't mean he is ready to come out as LGBTQ plus. In my opinion.

JK I feel was done hiding the moment he posted GCF in Saipan- he gets right with us. Bless him.

JK often weaponizes their 'secret' against Jimin and hold's it over his head sometimes- so often when Jimin is on his Kumbaya agenda with the group taking their sides on things relating to their relationship JK switches on him and tries to expose Jimin- if you're just gonna help them burn us, I'm just gonna blow the whole operation out in the open and we are all going down. Chilee!

God, I felt Jk was going to expose Jikook for real! 🤣 Don't mess with JK and his Jimin- even Jimin himself gets burns sometimes.

Remember when JK threatened to expose a picture of himself with a hickey if JM didn't stay and do a VLive with him? Remember that? JK scares me for real when he is on his Jikook agenda! Lol

I felt he knew exactly what he was doing just as he knew exactly what he was doing with Saipan and editing of Helsinki. He just reiterated it in his recent live- which we will get into soon. He pointed out how he had gone to ask the members to describe the feelings they wanted to express through the MV he directed.

He admitted yet again in that live how he expresses his feelings, HIS FEELINGS, through his art and music- for all those who keep saying you can't tell JK loves JM just because he doesn't do the things JM does. Lmho.

And so I was heavily confused by these two conflicting theories in my brain. Which is why I kept saying I didn't want to jump into conclusions, that I was going to need more content yadda yadda yadda.

Which brings me to my resolution for JM's birthday saga.

POST JIMIN'S BIRTHDAY

Jimin enjoys been treated special. It's part of his love language. Jk has always treated him like he is special to him. And I know people claim it's just a birthday post- sure. But I understand also that Jimin doesn't Joke with his birthday. His father doesn't Joke with his birthday and clearly neither does JK- given as even before they all started the exchanging of gifts culture that he was giving presents to JM and JM alone within the group.

Besides, he's said he reads the members birthday messages to him on social media and have gone ahead to read some of them on his birthday Vlives in the past. So I can't say JK not posting was nothing.

My resolution was simple. I was going to examine their interactions post Jimin's birthday to see if their dynamics had flipped to see if JK not posting for JM's birthday had in anyway affected their relationship.

If JM's birthday meant something to him. Jk was going to make it up to him- openly. Deadass but in my opinion. Lol.

That's one aspect of Jikook's dynamics you can always count on- hopefully. Lol.

They have a way of reassuring eachother of their love and affection. And I don't know what happened to put the fear of God in both of them but lord are they both scared of pissing the other off! Jesus! Not sure if it's the whippery but damn- they are both crazy for that.

For instance, take JinMin's VLive right before the New Jersey Vlive. JM posted immediately after their live had ended to say he is sorry and loves JK on Twitter. And y'all saw him when JK panned to him on the bed? I've never seen a man so terrified of another man in my entire shipping life- Manila must have put the fear of JK in him, which THANK GOD! lol. Jimin plays too much. Lmho.

Never knew a hyung needed permission from a dongsaeng to leave a room until that day. Chileee! Jin had pulled a prank on JK too but I didn't see him wetting his pants and blowing kithes to JK- come at me with Jinkook is real, see what happens. Lol

Then GCF in Tokyo! I know to some it seemed like a random act of confession on JK's part but boy did he have motivation! He don stressed JM out to the ends of the world with those weird ass rumors (again not gonna mention it because it's very controversial 'saesangs' nature) if you know good for you but chilee you didn't hear it here. Lol

Then there was that whole photoshoot and JM looking like he wanted to kill JK lol right around August 2017. Which I have discussed in one of my blog posts. I think it's in a lot of jeonlous. I'll link it later- if I find it.

Then the almighty 2019 Tattoo Girl scandal, I'm not talking about the August scandal. I'm talking about the one on JM's birthday last year which launched the severe 'I am sorry' hashtags in JK's post on JM's birthday. In my opinion definitely.

The Tattoo girl's shop had wanted until Jimin's birthday, almost a month after the incident, to release a statement which blew up the incident again and almost overshadowed JM's birthday.

Chilee, the delulu in me felt that was intentional. They just wanted to hurt JK by ruining his man's birthday for him- never let him forget. Lol. These evil masterminds. Chilee!

In my opinion. Please.

My point is, JM and JK do make out in efforts to fix their relationship. And usually, I find whoever is in the wrong takes the most initiatives- not to say all the GCFs was because of a fight. Personally I take Saipan and Helsinki more seriously than Tokyo. Just saying.

And of course we all saw JM fly all the way from Paris on JK's birthday- talk of grand gestures and extending Olive branches. Chilee, I'm single!

I was going to wait till I could see who was reassuring who after JM's birthday to see who was in the 'wrong' know what I mean? Like who is putting in more effort to let us know they are a thing?

After their March/May shenanigans that was JK with the thirst traps and shit on Weverse, which brought JM around and he started opening up taking initiatives of his own like in the Dynamite MV reaction VLive.

Afterwards it all seemed pretty mutual to me and they were vibing. Jikook was a Vibe. Sigh.

THE PHOTOSHOOT SAGA

Now I know some people assert they don't see the 'tensions' in that behind the scenes photoshoot but we would have to agree to disagree on that because I saw that as tension between Jikook as I explained in my last post.

Jk walked right past and around Jimin without a word- chileee. JM was 'extroverted' with everyone but Jk- chilee chileee. This is weird as fuck. Lmho.

Prior to this shoot I had my eyes on Tae, RM Jk due to the Twitter war that I felt was going on between them in the days leading up to the concert. If they had anything to do with JK not posting on JM's birthday it was gonna leave trails.

Jk loves everyone but fuck with his relationship with his man and you're- poor Namjoon. Lol.

I refrained from discussing the photoshoot video or conceptualizing a theory around it because for the love of me I couldn't tell who was mad at who in that footage.

They all seemed equally mad to me. Jk had his usual don't fuck with my man mood on with that glare he gave RM causing RM to back away from JM and that attitude he gave Jin right after- which I have already speculated on in my last post.

The stare down contest between him and JM was equally nerve wracking and reminded me of that interview stare down contest between Jikook around Manila.

And I know I mentioned the 'elite' squad backing up Jimin in that moment. Chilee, I was too tired to explain that term because I had been writing for a whole day nonstop but that is the term I give to RM, Hobi, Jin as the hyungs/ elders who enable JM's shenanigans most often in the group.

JK usually pans them down when he and JM are going at it.

I feel Tae, JK, Suga are the ones that stay on JM's neck and calls his bull the most out of all the boys- Y'all don't wanna know what I call them. Lol. Perhaps, I should call them Silver? Chilee, girl don stayed my neck, put the fear of Moses in me! Lol

It felt as if, whatever the problem was, they both had an interest at stake in that moment in my opinion and they were battling it out. Besides, 5 days had gone by and for the love of me I had no idea why that mood was still persisting especially if it had anything to do with Jimin's birthday.

But I understand JM had been away with his family after the concert and had spent his birthday with his family so perhaps they couldn't resolve things within that time period. And JK it seemed had also thrown himself into work from what he said on his YouTube Live, filming and directing and shit- good for him. JM's wedding suit won't buy itself. Lol

So now the Jikook Solo lives.

JIKOOK SOLO LIVES

Now y'all know I was waiting for this one. I told y'all I was waiting to see how BTS interacted with the VApp post Soop. Y'all know my conspiracy theory on this- the whole Jikook were banned from using it, JK was banned after his last VLive in June last year and how JM was banned in March this year after JK intercepted Jin's call and asked him on a date and said the whole I love you kithes thingy- they are trouble.

Then I talked about how JK had been trying to rebel in retaliation, the whole team up with Tae to expose BigHit on Weverse after their live.

I don't think much has changed in that regard. He still didn't do his Live on the VApp and through out his YouTube live he kept hinting at how BigHit had sabotaged his passion- he claimed he had lost his passion for GCF( at least that's how I took it) and that GCF felt more like work than something he did out of passion.

He threw jabs here and there at BigHit complaining about how he didn't even know how to do them Live logs anymore because it had been a while he did them- the lies Jeon Jungkook ne spilling! You was on a live with RM not too long ago what do you mean it's been long! *smirk.

Jimin did the same thing too but in a more subtle way I feel. He kept saying how he didn't know his way around the app, how the staff had set it up for him and JK said the same thing-but more aggressively. Lol.

It seems JK was just going to turn on the Live, keep it business and yeet himself out of there- just like people want him to do(to be professional and not expose his relationship- chileee, JK is that too much to ask? Sigh.

JK is really passive aggressive like the Silver Squad- see what I did there? Lol. Tae and Suga have taught him well. It's that control thingy, I feel. He hates it. He hates when he is controlled by anyone- except Jimin apparently.

He really enjoys and wants the freedom to do what he wants- rather dead than cool. Chilee! It's how he was raised I believe. He is a very independent free spirited individual, I keep saying.

All that, "it's awkward' 'it's been awhile I did this' yea he ain't slick. *smirk.

Another interesting thing I noticed is how both him and JM tried to keep the other's name out of their mouths- well Jimin tried. Dude couldn't help himself bless him.

I just think they have been cautioned to keep a really low profile on the app especially in regards to how they use the app, what they share on the app- no eye fucking, no weird tensions staring into eachother's souls, no I love you's in the background and certainly NO BONERS!

All in all, my impression of those two Lives was that- Jimin had baited BigHit when he posted that 'see you soon on VApp.' In my opinion.

I think he did that to force BigHit's hands. Jk did the same with his 'I can't do live logs on my own now' statement.

Jimin had put BigHit in a tight corner when he read that 'I miss Jungkook' comment. And the way he kept it pushing afterwards- the next day BigHit was like, y'all this is Simba. Hair slicked back and all. Take him. Lol.

I keep saying the one thing BigHit is scared of is a scandal. They really don't want people asking certain questions that's going to make them look bad especially towards their artists- in my opinion. BigHit please it's my opinion. Let the records show. Lol.

And as I keep saying, BTS and even Jikook have a way of weaponizing their social media Influence against BigHit- that nearly 9 million viewers Jimin read out on his VLive certainly gave BigHit a push to call out JK. Lol.

Personally, I was curious as I said earlier as to how that VLive was going to be live. Whether it was going to be monitored heavily like their lives were after the March 30th incident.

I was curious to see if he would appear on YouTube or VApp. As it stands, it seems whatever ban was placed on JM from having Solo Lives on the App has been lifted

And it seems he was fighting for his man too in the most kumbaya way possible- Jimin! Lolololol. He is hilarious. Bless him

I just hope JK doesn't call in on JM's future VLives again to ask him on a date- again cos damn that would chaotic. Lol.

It's crazy to me how people still look at JK and ask if he loves JM at all- damn if he isn't carrying their relationship on his back!

It seems for now he still isn't allowed a solo VLive on the App and from the Way he kept saying he couldn't do a log alone it seems he is pushing to have that freedom to have a VLive with JM again- I don't know. I might be delulu. Lol

As to whether JK was the wrong party for not posting on JM's birthday I still don't know. Would have to observe their interactions a bit more.

So far from their lives the only one who was making efforts to feed us was Jimin with the whole 10/13 Mickey Mouse thingy which we all know is reference to Jikook.

If my hypothesis is right, JM would be coming out here with heart eyes, clinging to JK, making all the efforts while JK has the mood he had during the On era again- acting like he not whipped but he whipped- bless him.

Sigh.

All that being said, this is just my opinion. I'm just sharing my thoughts and observations. I am not calling anyone to action. I am not instructing anyone on what to do with my opinion, to hate on BigHit, or any of the members mentioned in here.

If you are not an adult, and can't reason like an adult do not sit at the adult table. Immaturity is not a bar to freedom of expression.

CONCLUSION

When it comes to Jikook, I always feel JK has put in so much effort into his relationship with Jimin to squander all that effort over something as silly as a birthday post.

Jikook have both worked through a lot, come a long way in their love journey to let petty issues undo all the efforts they've both put into eachother.

If JM's birthday is an issue for JM, JK would have made it right by now. All it takes it one simple post to fix it. And he has taken much bolder steps in the past to chicken out now.

And if Jimin is the one holding JK then- dude better prepare another Paris trip to placate his man because JK about to pout him to death. Lol.

As I said I have a feeling things are good between them now. I just want to see more of their interactions.

Keep supporting Jikook.

Signed,

GOLDY

#jikook #jikook analysis #kookmin analysis #jikooktheories #kookmintheories #kookmin #jikook scenarios #jikook is real #goldy blogs #goldy theories #goldy analysis #nightswithkookmin #support Jikook #goldy #bts Jimin #bts Jungkook #bts ships

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girlwithptsd · 3 years

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Am I happier than ever with everything I wanted?

I am on the edge of a breakdown, or I'm having a breakdown. I'm never quite sure until I get to the other side of it all.

I am not okay, and I have felt terrible about admitting this to all of you, for over a year now.

My intention in moving back to New Hampshire, USA was to conquer PTSD, if such a thing can be done. I thought I could beat it, that I could fully heal from it and not have it anymore. I still hold hope that that is a possibility, but I am definitely not healed from it yet.

My past year started with every intention of finding a therapist and a med provider within the first few months of being here. I had 3 months worth of my prescriptions, giving me plenty of time to get set up.

Long story short I had major insurance issues and still have to pay out of pocket for my med provider. Also, trying to find a therapist during a global pandemic is nearly impossible. Once I finally had insurance, it was a matter of trying to find someone. I used TalkSpace for a while, and although I think it is a wonderful resource, it wasn't quite for me, mostly because I could barely afford even the minimum plan. Then I had a therapist that talked mostly about herself throughout my sessions. It was a train wreck. Fortunately, I've been on several waitlists and one finally came through. I did the intake appointment about a month ago, right after being hospitalized for depression and right before being partially hospitalized for depression and anxiety.

I've missed a month of work due to being hospitalized or partially hospitalized for my mental health. I started back with half days a week and 1/2 ago. This past week I ended up leaving early one day and calling out one day, and that was with the holiday on Thursday.

I have nearly completed my application for SSDI. I doubt I'll be approved the first time through, so that means this will be a process, but it turns out I cannot work anymore.

I never really could in the first place. I've had multiple jobs that I've only stayed at for roughly a year because they end up stressing me out for one reason or another and I leave. The more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that this pattern is not just a "I'm in the area of my trauma" trend. This has been happening long before I moved back to New Hampshire, being here has just made me realize it is an issue.

I've always had absence/timeliness issues with work due to anxiety and depression. Even at the jobs I worked at the longest, I had issues. I would often call out a few hours before my shifts, or end up being late. At my very first job, I was constantly anxious that I wasn't doing a good enough job, part of that was unclear expectations on their end, but part of that was my anxiety as well.

I struggle with this greatly, as I know I live in a society that values productivity/money-making above all else. It makes me feel useless to be unable to work. I went to college willing to devote all my time to being a teacher, and now I'm writing at 2:00am on a Sunday morning that I cannot work at all.

Maybe that will change in the future, but for now I need to radically accept what is: I need help. I need a break, and a break means a break from work.

The only times in my adult life I've been able to typically manage my hygiene of self and space is when I have either worked part-time or not at all.

So no, I'm not happy. I'm not even neutral right now. Every day is filled with anxiety from a not completely known source. I'm just trying my best and that's all I can ask of myself.

#ptsd #depression #mdd #anxiety #psych hospital

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luciferising · 6 years

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Hey, it's the same trans guy that asked about your nipples (or lack of). So I've begun my journey to get a diagnosis and hopefully surgery+hormones later. What can I expect once I start T? I know the physical but if there are other (Like emotional, sex drive etc.)

hey again! this is a big question with a long answer!

What To Expect When You’re Expecting: Testosterone Edition

a note about physical changes (i know you said you know what to expect)

it’s normal to have an emotional reaction to your body changing physically on t. you might have mixed feelings about the changes, that’s okay. you might be frustrated about not knowing your body while it’s changing. that’s okay. you will adapt and learn about your new body.

you might be a little annoyed that you have to wear deodorant more. you might ask god why you got hair on your butt immediately but had to wait months for leg hair.

comparing yourself to cis men will get you nowhere. comparing yourself to other trans men will get you nowhere. focus on yourself. celebrate your two stomach hairs.

this goes for hormonal changes and surgical changes. every body is different and will react differently to hormones/surgery. ex: i have an indented chest, so regardless of how my chest surgery went my left side will always protrude more than my right side.

emotional changes

the first few weeks i was on t i noticed i was much more energetic (kinda normal according to my doctor). if you’re an anxious person you might feel very on edge/anxious during this time, but it’ll pass.

i don’t cry nearly as often, i think it’s been like twice in the past 8 months or so. i’ve heard a bunch of transmasc ppl say that happens.

it was the kind of thing i didn’t really notice until someone else commented about themselves crying less. i don’t really miss it.

i still do have mood swings, anxiety, and depressive episodes (i have bipolar 2), but they are less extreme/severe than they used to be. again, heard that a bunch, i don’t think it’s unique to me.

i am NOT more quick to anger than i was pre-t. that’s a scare tactic to keep ppl from seeking out hrt.

i’m not as scared/anxious as i used to be. i don’t know if that’s from t or just from learning to accept and love myself more. either way, i’m happy about it!

sexual changes

i’m horny all the time. scorpio doesn’t think my drive has increased that much since starting t, but i think i’m on fire all the time.

my sexuality changed. i used to find myself almost exclusively attracted to women, rarely feeling attracted to men. it’s kind of flipped. i am mostly attracted to men now. my taste in men has also changed from very petite/twinkie men to big physically tuff men.

i’ve been told this is normal, but it really freaked me out when it started happening.

the way i experience attraction has also changed. i don’t really know how to explain it other than that now my attraction feels more intense, almost burning.

i’m more visual now than i used to be. i get more aroused from photos of scorpio now than i did prior to t.

i know this is a physical change but: your dick will feel different. it’s like having a new appendage. it’ll take some time to adjust the new type of sensation. if you have a partner (or partners) they can help you figure out what feels good, too. it can be frustrating!

ok so one thing no one warned me about that i wish i had been prepared for was the role changes and social changes that happen once you start to pass.

people started acting like i was in charge of things (at my work) that i am not in charge of. I am repeatedly mistaken for a manager. customers at my store will look to me for answers over my female coworkers because i look like a guy. they believe my answers. even other coworkers do this. i don’t know anything at all, but they treat my answer like it’s handed down from God maybe 2/3rds of the time.

people in general just seem to think “hey he’s a guy, he knows what’s going on,” i never know what’s going on. i can’t believe cis men just live like this. never assume a guy knows anything. we never do.

guys do handshakes with other guys. i don’t know why. i don’t like it. i miss getting more hugs. just hug them. hug your guy friends. they don’t get enough affection and warmth.

guys aren’t intimate with each other that often. i am very open with my friends, and i encourage them to be open. but sometimes i think it must be very lonely being a guy. they don’t talk to each other that much.

i really have to watch how i interact with women now. i look like a threat. i’m kinda tall, i wear black and i wear big boots. i look threatening, especially at night.

big thing: even if you are small! when you look like a guy women will still be uneasy around you if they don’t know you! accept this. do what you can to make them less uneasy, i.e. don’t walk right behind them, don’t stare at them, etc.

coming off of that, once you look like a guy, you can’t act like you’re still a woman. you can’t go into women’s spaces anymore, you aren’t welcome there anymore. you’re a guy. even though you’re afab you have to respect this boundary. you have to listen to women when they enforce this boundary.

bathrooms: no one talks to each other in there. get in, get out. you don’t need to smile or say hello, or even make eye contact.

#Anonymous #haha this is so long #i'm so sorry it's so long #ftm #trans masc #hormones #hrt #transitioning #anyone can add to this please actually add to this #angel #here it is anon!!!!

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