#if you won’t even respect a fictional character’s identity

[kajaono]

Why are you so obsessed with making Sophie trans or Benedict bi? And please do not say representation as your reason. The show already has Brimsley (much beloved) and Granville.

It is clear within their world that you could be put to death for it. That’s why Granville had to hide his sexual identity while being in a lavender marriage or Brimsley and Reynolds kept it behind close doors in the palace. Benedict is the kind of person who will shout his love so loud for the people in the back to hear. He won’t be able to do that without facing some sort of legal consequences.

It is more than likely Sophie is a WOC than making him bi. And if that’s the decision the show creators are going with, you should at least respect that instead of calling everyone who disagrees with you as bigots and homophobes.

Hey nonny,

Thank you for this really interesting ask. I try to answer it step by step.

First at all, it was the Bridgerton marketing team who put the idea of bi Benedict in my head in the first place. Remember the very first trailer, that framed it in a way that Benedict has sex with a dude? I saw that and said: „wow, amazing! A show set in regency times with poc and queer main hero’s?! I HAVE to watch that!“ and then it was a side character and not Benedict. Then all my hopes were on season 2, but this time: nothing! Not even queer side characters.

I was so disappointed. Because this idea of bi Benedict already lived - at this point - rent free in my head.

My first idea: gender swap Sophie. I still love the idea but as a next step I started wondering how they can make Benedict and Sophie fall in love without gender swap Sophie, but still give it a queer sub-tone. My idea: trans Sophie.

I love the idea because Benedict falling in love with a servant/bastard is… yes nice. This would also mean his social death back then btw. Giving this a modern twist… Using the opportunity to discuss modern problems… hello, that’s so awesome!

Further: Brimsleys story was awesome but I am tierd of sad historical gay love stories. I want gay love stories with a Happy End. Featured in a major Netflix show, aimed at straight people! you know how awesome that be? Yes, I will use the forbidden word: „representation“.

Also it is fiction: the explanation why Benedict was able to marry Sophie eventually (in the book) was bad, come on. The whole book was a disaster and I love Benedict!

It is fiction. They have a black queen, and a black Duke, which was possible because „love fixed it all“. If they can find an in universe explanation why all skin colors are represented without discrimination I am sure they can find an explanation why queer love can have a Happy End as well.

Also why does it has to be addressed that Sophie is trans? Just let her be played by a trans actress, a trans actress in a cis role? We love that!

You probably don’t know but the second thing I am petitioning for is making Sophie Asian (because I am not dumb. I know how highly unlikely it is that we will get trans Sophie) but the thought of a blond, white, cis Sophie… yawn! How boring! Aschenputtel 2.0.

If they decide to make Sophie a WOC I will absolutely respect that! And I really think it is not unlikely, because season 3 has an all white main cast. But so far no decision has been made, no Sophie is casted (as far as we know), Benedict is straight… and as long Sophie isn’t casted I can have every head canon I want to.

I don’t Call everyone a homophobe who is against bi Benedict or trans Sophie… just those people who have no further arguments against it then: „Ewwwwwww! Gay people! Disgusting!“

Give me a valid argument and I am all ears.

Thanks for the attention, I hope I answered it.

#bridgerton #benedict bridgerton #bi benedict #anon #Bridgerton season 3 promo

[bunnywrit3s]

i thought since it’s the beginning of pride month i wanted to write something quick about the reader coming out to everyone’s favourite fictional family! happy pride month <3

characters: movie! sonic (ft. tom and maddie wachowski)

genre: platonic, bordering on familial, fluff/comfort

warnings: none!

#⠀you had known the wachowskis the whole time you’d lived in green hills. they were always very kind and were like a second family to you

#⠀you were definitely surprised when you learned they had adopted super observant crazy carl’s “blue menace”, and that he was even real

#⠀you never spent much time with him, but every time he was always a joy to be around

#⠀a bit before the events that transpired after tom was accepted into sfpd, you had begun to question parts of your identity, specifically your gender and who you were attracted to, if anyone at all

#⠀and it was around the time tom had became a fugitive to the law that you had figured things out for the most part, and had picked yourself out a new name and set of pronouns (or multiple), with the help of a few other people in your life, including maddie and rachel

#⠀once things were back to normal, or as normal as they could get now that there was a little blue blur in your life, you realised you were ready to tell tom and sonic

#⠀on a crisp autumn day, you had knocked on their door, smiling when tom opened it and smiling wider when sonic came dashing downstairs

#⠀you were lead to the living room as usual when you came over to talk over tea and/or coffee and a variety of snacks that changed every time (except for the time when the store was out of most other snacks and there had to be a repeat of the same brand of biscuits, but you weren’t complaining; the biscuits were good)

#⠀the conversation went good, as usual, yet more fast paced now that sonic was around

#⠀that was when you dropped the bomb on the boys

#⠀ “there’s something i’d like to tell you two. tom and sonic, i mean.”

#⠀ “sure, kid. what’s up?” tom gives you his usual warm and welcoming smile that you had grown so accustomed to

#⠀”um, well,” you avert your gaze and mess with your sleeves, “i have come to realise that i’m... i’m trans, and, um, my new name and pronouns are y/n and (pronouns). i won’t be going by (deadname) or (old pronouns) anymore. i... also realised that i’m (sexuality).”

#⠀tom and maddie gave you a smile, and sonic seemed to have a sort of puzzled look that changed to surprised joy as you were speaking, like a lightbulb went off in his head

#⠀ “well, y/n, we’re very proud of you and we still care about you just as we did before, no matter who you are or who you do or don’t like. your new name is wonderful.” tom replies, reaching a hand out to pat your own in a form of comforting

#⠀”thank you, tom. that means a lot. maddie actually helped me pick it out.”

#⠀ “ah, i should have known. maddie’s naming skills have always been great.”

#⠀sonic, resting his gloved hands on yours, leans over and smiles warmly up to you, “hey, i’m so proud of you and i accept you. it’s really great that you’ve figured yourself out like this.”

#⠀ "thanks, sonic.” you laughed softly and pulled him for a hug, something he’d usually groan and pull away from, but not now

#⠀after this, sonic tries his best to learn more about your identity, mainly your gender. he has no trouble with understanding our sexuality, but it’s your gender (or lack thereof, if you’re agender) he’s more curious about

#⠀asks questions, although respectful about it

#⠀offers to help you measure for a binder/bra

#⠀researches binders/tucking and gives you little reminders on binding/tucking safety

#⠀online shops for clothes with you

#⠀ points out a specific shirt/dress (”you’d look SOOO good in that, you have to get it!”)

#⠀whenever someone’s been bothering you about your identity, he always tries to comfort you, usually with your favourite movies/shows or by baking/cooking your favourite foods, same with tom and maddie

#⠀always makes sure to take a look at movies or shows you’ve mentioned you were thinking about watching, just checking if there’s anything that’ll upset you, and informs you about it before you decide to watch or not

#⠀if you get into a relationship, sonic is EXTREMELY eager to meet your significant other

#⠀does the whole homemade candlelit dinner at night date, usually in his room because of the fairy lights, complete with a cheesy romantic playlist consisting of slow jazz

#⠀definitely pretends to be your waiter for the night, even makes a little moustache and suit with a tailcoat

#⠀is your wingman

#⠀if you don’t have a significant other, you spend your valentines day with your loved ones, and sonic specifically loves to go all out

#⠀gets you that one specific thing you’ve been aching about for months

#⠀you’re ecstatic

#⠀has a list of cheesy romcoms for you guys to laugh at

#⠀he also absolutely gets you matching bff necklaces or bracelets

#⠀ "look, it’s us!” it’s a bracelet with a hedgehog, and another bracelet with (your favourite animal)

#⠀since green hills is too small for pride parades, if you want to go to one, tom and maddie take you to the city with sonic in a disguise and you go to a parade there

#⠀does almost all of the activities with you and takes a ton of pictures he’ll hang up on his wall when they get back

#⠀also gets you some pride flags

#⠀loves to use the flags as capes and pretends to be a superhero

#⠀also gets you a little rainbow fridge magnet

#⠀he’s really just the biggest sweetheart tbh

#first fic whooo!!! #platonic #familial #fluff #comfort #movie sonic #tom wachowski #maddie wachowski #sonic the hedgehog #sonic x reader #movie sonic x reader #lgbt+ reader

[basedkikuenjoyer]

Dark out, I’m cloistered inside where it’s warm because I’m built for triple digit temps and we have snow. Perfect circumstances for a little Late-Night Togashiposting! How could I muse on Oda’s relation to such an influence starting from Okiku and not delve into Hunter x Hunter’s biggest sweetiebaby? Introduced here in one of my favorite panels in the entire series. All that buildup about this horrific, otherworldly monster...then boom. Cute little muffin and all her stuffies. Cracks me up everytime. 

Clever introduction too. Symbolically looking like one of the dolls as a reflection of how her family sees her. Excellent contrast with the cutie that perks up when she sees big brother Kil. The idea of “something from afar” as a motif for a trans character given all too often we see Japanese hatemongers writing off queer identities as unsavory Western influence. Not to mention laying seeds for the Dark Continent down the line. Good stuff.

It shouldn’t be hard to guess why I might want to look at Alluka Zoldyck and Okiku side-by-side. We dipped a toe, but they deserve more. They deserve everything. If nothing else we have two high-profile trans characters slipped into some of the biggest ongoing series in Weekly Shonen Jump. They were both very prevalent in their arcs and served as a pillar of the core themes. We have some easy shared territory like exploring them through a sibling bond and this core element of duality. That’s barely scratching the surface though.

First, what we won’t do here. I’m not even going to try and judge which of these two is most baby. They’re both sweetie muffins, they’re both perfect, neither has done a single wrong thing in their lives. I want both as a little sister. Existing in the same series would spark a religion that finally establishes world peace. Eat your heart out Prince Tyson.

The angle I want to approach this from...ever seen much of the correspondence between JRR Tolkien and CS Lewis? It’s honestly as interesting as Narnia or Lord of the Rings. A masterclass on the philosophy of fiction. That’s how I look at these two. Dead serious. And I have for a long time, even before Oda’s glowing statements for Togashi’s exhibition. Looking at the landscape now though, these two are contemporaries even if Togashi’s the senior on paper. Because of his frequent breaks, One Piece has published more chapters than the elder’s three main series combined.

Stands to reason if an author wanted to do a big trans character they’d look at others in the genre. If I was doing so in 2018, Alluka would be a first thought. Hell, Punk Hazard is getting started right as the 13th Chairman Election is concluding. Especially since there’s potentially a similar dynamic getting from Miyuki in Yu Yu Hakusho to Rurouni Kenshin’s Kamatari. The latter pair were part of a big trend of similar characters, WSJ’s answer to a largely shoujo phenomenon. Which tracks with Japanese politics at the time as well as hitting the point new authors who grew up at the height of Stop!! Hibari-Kun’s popularity were coming onto the scene. 

Let’s start somewhere easy for the compare/contrast. Both of these little angels have a core relationship with a big brother we already knew by the time we meet them. I’m not going to say one is better, but I like One Piece’s take more and it plays into a way One Piece distinguishes itself from Shonen contemporaries including HxH. Alluka is wonderful, a great story that makes excellent use of the trans aspect as a parallel to the events going on. Much like we’ve said a lot about Kiku. Still...at the end of the day she’s an accessory to the 2nd most important character in the series. It’s about Killua being a good brother first and foremost. Trying to teach the main audience how to respect someone different. Likewise with the trans aspect just being handed to you up front. For all the ways HxH subverts common tropes, even with Alluka, letting Kiku lead her own story is awesome. Doing in a way that couches her in themes most women could relate to even better. You almost never get that and definitely not in something so mainstream. 

Why? Because it frees her from having to do as many beats about figuring her out. Killua is a nice evolution, being the one who gets his little sister compared to the rest of the family, but Kiku gets to just be her. None of her story is about being alien to begin with. It isn’t really that hard of a concept, getting to One Piece in general. Hunter x Hunter is subversive in many ways, I’d call it the more mature of the two series in terms of content...but it’s still at heart a “coming of age” story. One Piece isn’t. It’s a young man’s odyssey. That’s why we meet Koby in Romance Dawn. Why we don’t spend East Blue bumbling along as an apprentice. To show Luffy is past that kind of motivation and already the type of figure who can inspire others like Shanks did for him.

That same ethos is all over, and for Kiku it ends up being this awesome manifestation. Seriously...how many trans stories have you seen that aren’t about “finding your true self” or something like that? I’d call hers a step that can only happen past that; someone who has done that grappling with the past catching up to you. An adult who has found her own strength tested with regression, the danger of “becoming the mask” again. It’s Yamato and even Sanji who have more common beats you’d see for a trans narrative. Not trying to twist the knife...but that’s why I knew the former wouldn’t be tagging along at the end. Fans ended up telling on him; so much of the appeal was in “seeing him grow.” Great for most Shonen, not so much for One Piece.

Hmm...this is getting pretty long already. Oh darn, guess that means we have more LNTPs to come. I’ll leave you with this fun thought for now. Just consider the timing. Maybe it’s all one big coincidence. But like I said, Punk Hazard starts as Alluka’s arc is wrapping up. We were laying seeds that would matter for Kiku right from meeting Kin’emon. That’s not all though. Just...find it interesting where Togashi’s huge hiatus lines up with One Piece. Last chapter before released concurrently with the beginning of Act 2, Hiatus ends concurrently with Blackbeard showing up again. From one actress with him (Catarina) to another (Pudding). Is it a bit crazy to speculate on two authors collaborating on something funky? Hell yes, massive reach. But if any two would...

#one piece #hunter x hunter #okiku #alluka zoldyck #eiichiro oda #yoshihiro togashi #late night togashiposting

[batslime]

wait what happened to ghost? i'm not a fan i'm just curious

Sorry this is probably more than you were wanting to hear but it requires a little background bc w the theatrical nature of the band and changing lineup it can be a little hard to get the picture at first

The musicians who have been known since the start of the band only as the Nameless Ghouls officially, who were contractually obligated to not discuss their place in Ghost publicly, were granted the go-ahead by Tobias, the frontman and founder, to post unmasked photos and confirm their involvement with Ghost earlier this week!

Historically Tobias has had issues arise with previous ghouls including some that culminated in the rewriting of contracts and a lawsuit. It’s kinda complicated but Tobias’s stance on it as stated in an interview from some years ago was that HE wasn’t even supposed to be publicly known (but was revealed due to the legal battle), and most of any given crowd probably didn’t even know who HE was, not to mention he basically coordinates everything, writes most of the music, makes the financial decisions, takes the big risks etc so he didn’t like the idea of, essentially anybody he chooses to employ as a musician, getting to make themselves the faces of the band and get to represent them as a whole without contributing much and without being part for that long when Tobias has spent so long staking so much into it. From what I’ve heard some previous ghouls were downright difficult to work with too but I don’t know much detail on that.

He’s had the same gaggle of ghouls now since I think about 2016?? With some coming and going. Ghost is obviously not the only project they’ve worked on so over time their identities were found out but most fans in the know have been very respectful of the rules they’re held to as well as the immersion of other fans who don’t know who they are and don’t want to.

Tobias is pretty good friends with some of them including Per Eriksson (known as Fire/ Dewdrop Ghoul by fans) and recently during shows called him by a nickname he has out of the band, Sodomizer, so a lot of fans were thinking that pointed to them unmasking. Him relaxing the contract and obscuring of their identities is a huge deal not only as it kinda solidifies placement in the band but shows a huge amount of trust on Tobias’s part. Most of the ghouls are still pretty small artists, at least one of which even having a Patreon for support, so it feels great to know that they can now claim their place in the band to the world which will undoubtedly lead to many more opportunities for them- this is a wonderful thing for their careers. Maybe we could even start to see them in Ghost content like the chapters (webisodes on their Youtube that contain some of the lore)!

Some people still don’t want to know their identities/ faces as they like the fictional element and while I won’t hold that against people who are respectful about it I honestly do find it a bit selfish. On stage you’re still seeing their personas just like you’re seeing Papa and not Tobias. Suspension of disbelief is still possible- when I know an actor in a movie it doesn’t destroy the character for me. I also already knew their faces and identities when I drew my ghoul face headcanon. This is 100% a good thing and could lead to not only better things for the ghouls and from the band itself, so I just find it a little dumb to try so hard to deny them as individuals lol. They deserve their recognition.

[teaandinanity]

Tropes Game

Rules

How much do these tropes affect your decision to click on a fic?

-10 → very dissuaded 0 → don’t care either way 10 →  very enticed nope → if it’s a hard no and you’d never click on a fic with that tag or or you even have the tag blocked or you’d insta click out of the fic if it wasn’t tagged.

Bonus points for explaining the rating and whether it’s conditional.

yoinked from bendingsignpost because I went OwO and placed under a cut because it wasn’t short to start with and as per usual I have talked way too much

TROPES:

Age gap: I'm gonna give this a 5 in favor because I am HUGELY into mayfly-december romance and the normal flavor of age gap usually won't send me screaming into the hills unless there's other factors (and tags) sending it spelunking into squicksville.

Codependency: 5 in favor when it is unhinged fantasy soulmates shit. I also really enjoy fiction where characters have matching baggage and trauma that interlocks. If it's set in the real world this gets creepy very quickly.

Enemies to lovers: 5 again because I like it when it's done in a specific way - where there's plenty of interaction and respect before any feelings crop up and once they do one or both parties are enraged about it - but I so often see this as allo bullshit where I just want to scream 'STOP KISSING HIM HE'S A FUCKING REPUBLICAN.'

Enemies with benefits: -10, I am insufficiently allo for this.

Fake dating/relationship: 1. This tag by itself is like a sprinkle of pepper. It's nice but I'm not ordering dinner based on that.

Found family: 5. I quite like it but I will generally not read things purely on the strength of this tag.

Friends to lovers: This depends ENTIRELY on the characters in question. My default for this is honestly probably like -3 in isolation but a friend and I have OCs who fit this (hi Tina!) and that is like 10/10 A+ love it EXACTLY my shit. Obviously. Since OCs. Anyway if there's a bunch of hesitation to take the step because of course they love you but do they LOVE you and speaking up will change things and what if it's not GOOD change and-- that's the good stuff. I just want characters to suffer and this is often too simple and fluffy for me.

Friends with benefits: -10 unless it's paired with one-sided or mutual pining. I am not allo enough for this.

Hurt/comfort: 10. Gimme. Make 'em earn that happy ending. Make the stoic ones display vulnerability and I will be fully helmo.gif about it.

Love triangle: -10. Hate it. HATE. I actually skipped one of my fave fics in one of the fandoms I'm in for Literal Months because it had two pairings tagged for the PoV character and I was like 'absolutely the fuck not' until friends told me 'no really you'll like it it's not A Triangle.'

Mistaken/hidden identity: 7 I think? Not an automatic read but I do enjoy it substantially.

Monster-fucking relationship: 9 hell yeah like I'm into monster-fucking but then you add RELATIONSHIP where they probably have misunderstandings and feels? Yes absolutely.

Obsession, possessiveness, etc.: 10, as long as it's not presented as normal and fluffy. Like. Healthy people don't do this. It's just that I do not want characters to be healthy I want them to be INTERESTING and obsessed with each other.

Opposites (like grumpy×sunshine, etc): 5 I guess? But it definitely gets a multiplier if they Get Each Other better than anyone else in spite of that surface opposites thing.

Poly: Varies wildly. If I'm really into the characters individually and also their dynamics as a group, this can be a major plus - like, there have absolutely been things I've read where I was like 'WHY are you two getting het married when Character C is right there and you both have two hands' - but at the same time I hate love triangles and all other affection geometry so this is not a COMMON experience. More typically, I am here for my OTP and in that case this can make it down to Nope. It's very hard to figure out what this tag would be in isolation because it's SO heavily dependent on other factors!

Pregnancy: This can honestly run the gamut from Nope to +5, because I have read it and thought it was sweet and read it and thought it was hot and irl the idea of being pregnant makes me want to give myself a DIY hysterectomy. So yeah.

Second chance: -8. This is not a Noope but it is a hard sell. I've skipped fics I wound up really liking due to a 'getting back together' tag. I think one of them I skipped more than five times in sort-by-kudos and then other people's bookmarks and browsing the author's works (because I loved their other fic) before I finally said 'FINE I will try the green eggs and ham.'

Sex to feelings: Normally? -10 or a hard Nope. If one of them is pining and the other is an oblivious moron who just doesn't KNOW they're pining yet? That's excellent and I will eat it with a spoon directly out of the carton. But like. I am not allo enough for this without feelings. SOMEONE better be having them or I'm gonna back right out of that.

Slow burn: 10, yes please, give me Yearning.

Soulmates: I'm gonna give this like an 8 because I LOVE it in theory but I have also seen it done badly (as a shortcut that removes the need for buildup or communication of any kind, for example) like. A lot.

Arranged marriage: There's a range but this probably averages out to like -2. Mostly because as an aro-ace person this sounds like a horror movie and even if the rest of the tags pinky promise it's gonna be soft and end happily part of my hindbrain does not believe them and is just facing the sky to more fully unhinge its jaw and shriek, AAAAAAH!

#babble tea (blacklist this for less chatter) #this is a meme tag #also I doubt anyone is curious but if you ARE feel free to send me a trope and I'll rank it on this scale XD

[littlemouserat]

A Word From A Queer Actor

A year ago a fellow actor friend of mine asked me how I felt about ‘straight actors playing gay roles’ (In a I want to be a good ally/ friend way). 

My response was ,and still is ,“Meh. As long as they are respectful why not? We’re actors. We play who we aren't all the time”. But since it was a short visit I never got a chance to elaborate that and  I also hated the idea of someone having to come out just to get a role. 

I’m a gay trans man and I’ve played many cis-het roles, even thought I’m just starting my career. If I had to constantly come out or be questioned about my identity/ sexuality ,just to play a role, it would be exhausting, awkward as hell (stay out of my personal life yo) and possibly dangerous .This world is still so cruel to queer people no matter how many rainbow flag decals you see in the bank window. 

Forcing actors like Lee Pace and now this 18 YEAR OLD to come out (or get outed like in Lee’s case)  just because they played a queer role and you thought it was your right to know cause you thought they were ‘queer bating’ you is disgusting!! Shame on you!!

You have no right to know someone’s personal life!! Also you can’t get ‘queer bated’ by real people. They aren't’ some fictional character with a ‘will they won’t they’ relationship with an angel or some bullshit, they are a human being!!

Yes, I would love for more queer actors to play queer ,and non queer, roles. Especially for trans actors. I’d love if trans actors got the chance to play ourselves or to be given the chances that so many cis actors have. 

But honestly, I’d rather have the straightest- cis-ist person play a queer character if it would stop queer performers from being outed or being forced to come out. 

#max rants #lgbtq #lgbtq actor #also I'm sure there are hundreds of cases like lee pace he was just the main one i could think of #my post. #if a t3rf even looks at this post eat the shit from the fascists assholes you lick from #queer activism #queer actor #actor #acting

[passionesolja]

Since my last pin got unpinned here’s the new one.

This is for adults only

I don’t be posting up any NFSW but I post shit for me and people who are grown. If you ain’t an adult stay off my blog I be saying real shit and cursing. I’m an adult so the shit I post is for other grown individuals

This blog is my enjoyment only

This my world. My blog. You ain’t like what I say, do, or post block me or some shit. Bitch I will do and say shit you find problematic to your own worldview once in a while. And I don’t care, because you already done did some shit I also find “problematic” but you not me so it none my concern. I don’t provoke people on they identity or political beliefs but know that I will be the person I wanna be until I’m dead and idgaf about anybody. Hate me if you want, bitch the feeling is mutual.

I do not usually speak on politics

I hate politics. I don’t keep up with a single world event, nor will a tumblr reblog do shit to change the ills of the world. I hate all politicians unless they funny. I don’t give a fuck about what anybody else in this world do but me so I won’t jump on a momentary political bandwagon for clout. I don’t fight nobody on they political beliefs because you just as worthless to the political machine as my bitch ass

I like to argue

Let me add the caveat that I don’t argue about shit relating to politics or identity. I don’t give a fuck. Fighting about shit others can’t control and/or you can’t control is bitchmade. I only be arguing about shit that don’t matter like fictional series and shit because I ain’t tryna hurt somebody. I may not fuck with what you do, but I won’t get emotionally invested in it. Why? because my soul ain’t in your body living how you do.

I be doing a lil bit of trolling

If you hyper sensitive and cry over fictional series, don’t even come around me because I don’t give a fuck about none this. Shit is fictional. If your faves die and it funny, ima laugh. If my faves die and it funny, ima laugh. It ain’t that deep. The morality I be judging a character by is if they’re attractive and likable. Unless I really really like a character or series, I will do some shit talking. Why? Because it fun to me. I’m a hyperbolic person by nature and I use some mildly abrasive language. I will not be changing this.

Conclusion

In the end, you will operate how you deem fit, and I will operate how I deem fit. You a total stranger to me, and I to you. I ain’t here to tell nobody how to live, what to believe, or want some busybody ass bitch who I don’t even know tryna tell me how to live. I keep shit respectful here. I try to be as mildly antagonistic as possible without causing people misery. Typically, shit on my page be pretty mundane and me just tryna make a post that makes myself giggle.

I am not a politician, a scientist, a doctor, an academic, or an activist. I’m a bitch online who just tryna have some fun.

Thank you for reading.

#pinned post #pinned message #for my pinned

[perciejacksons]

I’ve been attacked to the moon and back for this but…

Im autistic. I’ve been alienated by my peers my whole life and never been able to relate to anyone. I’ve spent my whole life craving connection. Unfortunately, because I’m autistic, I cannot relate things that don’t match. Only partial matching wasn’t good enough. I am blonde and white but never found representation in characters like rapunzel and Cinderella because their personalities were all wrong.

75% of autistic adults are suicidal and the number one reason is perpetual loneliness, the inability to relate to others, the inability to connect. 3/4 of us want to die because we can’t relate to anyone. Autistic people are amongst the most isolated people in existence, because truly, our brains are so physically different. I often feel like I’m not even a part of the human species. Clearly, having relatable characters is hugely important.

There is only one character I’ve EVER found that I related to: Annabeth Chase.

She looked just like me, blonde curly hair, GREY eyes, I’d never had someone with my eye colour. Her greatest weapon was her intelligence, that was mine too. She’s not the most likeable, and I always struggled to make friends. I have severe arachnophobia too. Every single thing fit. She was sassy and she fought for her friends and she was everything I was and everything I wanted to be. Being autistic means I have no sense of self, so I idolized her and turned myself halfway into her as a child. I started trying to study architecture at like 10 years old. For all intents and purposes in my life, Annabeth is ME.

When they cast a brunette to play her in the lightening thief, I cried. I refused to watch the movie. They’d made her a brunette with blue eyes and she no longer was me. I was a lot younger then and a lot more upset than I would be now, at least I thought. Then the same thing happened now, with them casting a black girl. Although I’m super happy for all the girls getting representation, and that is genuinely exciting news.

That said, I’m not gonna pretend that having my sense of self, my comfort character, the girl I based my own identity off of because she’s the only person, fictional or otherwise, I ever truly related to, completely physically changed doesn’t suck. It sucks, a lot. If I had any other comfort characters I’m sure I’d be fine, but I don’t. I hope they try and keep her personality true to character, but they butchered that in the movies so we’ll see.

I’m really happy for everyone that gets representation in this, and especially happy for the actress getting to play Annabeth. What a wonderful opportunity! I feel like she’ll do amazing. But I have been so excited for so long to see myself represented exactly correctly on screen that now I don’t think I’m going to be able to watch it. I was so excited and it’s been taken away and I don’t handle disappointment well at all. I’m working on it. Every time I see anything about the movie at all now I’m reminded and just feel lonely. Like my Annabeth is gone. The one person who was just like me is gone, and I’m grieving that.

I won’t be watching the show right away. I won’t be using the account for a long time, either, because it’s just upsetting, frankly. Every time I see a post about it I feel a little queasy because it’s such a disappointment. It makes me more upset than it should, but not much I can do about that.

I don’t expect people to understand, but I do expect you to respect it. I’ve been attacked everywhere I’ve shared this opinion for being “racist” which doesn’t make sense and just isn’t true. I hate change. I especially hate change to my favourite things. I cried when my best friend got glasses as a kid because that tiny change was genuinely traumatic to me. I’m just weird like that.

In general, people who are against Annabeth being played by a black girl are just racist. I don’t expect anyone to cater to that opinion in general. That would be naive. But I hope you were able to understand why I felt similarly and how it is unrelated to race for me. I hope that I can grieve this and be over it in time for the show, but I’m not sure. Honestly I don’t know if I can get over Percy being blonde, either, it’s just throwing me off so much. I am a big fan of the casting for Grover though, I think he fits great.

I just wanted to share why I won’t be posting on here for the foreseeable future and I also needed somewhere to put out my feelings without immediately being jumped on. Again, I don’t think they should change it, it’s a great and progressive thing. Unfortunately I just happen to be collateral, and that’s ok. Hope everyone else enjoys :)

#pjo #percy jackson

[hyperfix8ed]

and if your life won’t wait: spoiler free 2022 update

hello dear readers. if ur here from my fic welcome. if u just follow my blog, sorry. also, go read my fic.

okay, a… lot has changed since i started this thing. moment of silence for all cis tua writers with unfinished works from before season 3. im literally a trans man and had no idea how to handle this. im also completely disconnected from the fandom and i have no idea how other people have been doing it lol. anyway.

in regards to my fic, season three changed three big things for me. 1). viktor 2). klaus’ reincarnation powers are more fleshed out and canonical 3). my perceptions of the characters

viktor’s whole deal is probably the most relevant, so ill start there. when i started this fic, i had absolutely zero idea that elliot page would come out as trans, and subsequently his character would change as well. so the first ~5 chapters make absolutely zero mention to him being trans. the way i saw it, going forward i had two options. control f and retrospectively make him both trans and transitioned (which i honestly think is not only a valid option but one that i lowkey wish id done, way fucking easier) or rework his planned story arc around gender identity.

look. i said it already. im trans. i was deeply attached to viktor BEFORE he came out. he’s my guy. i have to write a coming of age trans story for him, even if that means dead naming him for a few chapters while we get there. he’ll be okay. he’s fictional. he’s figuring it out. this is a story about learning to let your family be in your life in a meaningful way so you can actually be happy. in the context of the fic, he also just watched his brother die and come back to life, so he’s a little preoccupied. don’t worry though, if there’s one thing you can count on the hargreeves to do, it’s prioritize their own personal drama in the midst of extremely important things happening around them.

i don’t write shitty endings for trans people. he’s going to have his little moment where he triumphantly cuts his hair and wears a too big button down with all the confidence of a seventeen year old freshly off their meds. i love him. please trust me. ive made the decision that the story i want to tell involves him not figuring things out for a little while, but he will figure them out. worry not. i came up with an incredibly convoluted excuse to get him pamphlets from an lgbtq resource center. you’ll see.

as for klaus… keep in mind reading these first few chapters that i was working with the knowledge of the first two seasons. that’s the knowledge with which i built this worlds life and death system. season three didn’t change too much, except canonize klaus’ ability to come back to life, and confirm that reginald did know about this ability and tested it in him, aka killed him over and over again until he was satisfied, and then klaus repressed the whole thing. tua plays pretty fast and loose with ghost rules, so i pretty much ignore all that to do whatever the shit i want, but this was really important to the plot, so i had to make a decision about whether or not i was including it.

there’s a bit of a mystery element that comes in down the line pertaining to reginald’s role in the story, so i wont say too much, but i did want to address it! just know that yes, i do understand the worlds death rules, i promise. this fic’s premise is basically taking their dumb death rules and throwing them out the window so that i can tell a story about family bonding. however, im really proud of the direction the story ended up going in light of the new season, and im excited to share it with you.

the third thing is characterization. now, this could be its own post, so ill keep it brief, but to me season three proved a few very important things about the hargreeves. they’re mean as fuck, irredeemably stupid, and love each other almost as much as they love their own respective attachment issues. they are a mess. im fucking obsessed with them. they love each other, and are incapable of being normal about it. it’s perfect.

a few important things to note:

- ben is as much of an asshole as the rest of them! confirmed!!! he may have been the nicest of them, but they’re all terrible, he’s just a little less terrible! big win for the ben is a dick community (population: me and klaus)

- as kids, allison was nicer to viktor then anyone. allison was NICER. TO VIKTOR. THEN ANYONE. that is such a wonderful revelation to me. i always interpreted their relationship as more like allison was trying to make amends and knew she had to make amends with viktor specifically, but no! allison was nice to viktor!! nicer. then ANYONE. i could talk ab s3 allison for a million years. she might be a little irredeemable. but i love her. and this fic and every fic forever will be allison friendly

- mostly just a gentle reminder that i am not writing about bitter thirty year olds carrying around decades of trauma and horror. i am writing about fresh faced seventeen year olds who have never had a brother like, actually die, never spent years on the street or on the moon or completely alone or getting into fights or watching their brother slowly kill himself or being an a list celebrity. they have the potential to be those bitter assholes, they really do, but for now, they’re kids. i want to write kids. the world is so bad. i want to write a coming of age where kids having their family with them gives them a happy ending. this is what i want and i will not give this up for any reason.

thank you for reading, sorry it’s a monstrosity of a post <3

#i def used to have a tag where i talked ab this fic but i don’t remember it anymore so…. #iylww #yeah that works. whatever

[astriiformes]

Thinkin’ some thoughts about representation in fiction tonight.

Yesterday in one of my classes, I was in a group where everyone was introducing themselves with their pronouns, and I tentatively said “he/him or they/them” instead of my usual “he/him,” which marks the first time I have offered the latter as acceptable pronouns to use for me in at least four years, even though at one point they were my preferred set.

(--And here’s where I wiggle a hand and say “And yes, part of that is because my understanding of my identity has been an evolving thing ever since I realized I was trans at 17 and I also genuinely identified a little differently back then, and there’s a lot going on there; I’m certainly not about to go back to ‘they/them’ exclusively any time soon, or probably ever.” My gender thoughts are extremely complicated and probably not something I will ever feel entirely content with. It’s a whole thing. Most of which I tend not to dig into, even here.)

For further context, a huge part of why I abandoned ‘they/them’ entirely for a while was because when I first started tentatively asking my family to use ‘he/him’ for me instead, my mother -- who had, until that point, previously refused to try to use neutral pronouns for me -- switched to using ‘they’ as a supposedly subtle way of circumventing my wishes, to make the fact that she was dissenting while the rest of my family switched over easily and entirely without complaint less obvious. It was crushing, and after years of having my initial, tentative attempts at getting people to use gender neutral names/pronouns/other language for me fail or be ignored, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was at the cusp of starting to fully socially transition and it sealed my decision to ask people to exclusively use ‘he/him’ for me, even in queer spaces, because what had at one point felt like a liberatory option had become too associated with rejection and trauma for me.

Over the last couple of years, I have been feeling increasingly dissatisfied with my gender expression and presentation -- not because any of how I present myself is inaccurate, per se, but because it’s been feeling more and more like it’s not quite enough. I’m a guy, yeah, but I’m also.... not exactly. Every time I have toyed with integrating any more neutrality though, I’ve backed away. Growing out my hair a little more didn’t work -- until I commit more to hormones, maybe it’s just going to get me misgendered. I still don’t really know how I want to dress. And every time I’ve thought about pronouns, I haven’t been sure if there’s an option I’m emotionally ready to try. Even ‘he/they, but I generally prefer he’ (which fwiw, is where I’m at, in case anyone wanted to check) couldn’t quite creep out from under the shadow of my mother telling me, essentially “I won’t use they/them pronouns unless it’s to hurt you”

Anyways. I’m sure some of the reason I got there eventually is time. I’ve spent years as an out trans adult with lots of people in my life who have respected me a lot more than that, and it’s part of why I think I’ve ended up wanting to test the waters of representing myself just a little more authentically.

But I also think it’s not a coincidence that I finally feel comfortable doing so at a point in time when I’m actively working on plans to cosplay a nonbinary character, who also uses they/them pronouns. In part because I actually sat with that for a little bit, when I first thought about it. A tiny part of me was worried I would actually struggle some with being Raine at a con -- was I emotionally ready to have people gender me that way, even if what they were really referencing was my costume? Ultimately though, in considering the question and deciding the answer was “yes,” I realized that I might be ready for it out of costume again, too.

There are a lot of routes to self-discovery, and one of mine has always been fiction. I first came to realize and accept I was trans in part because I was really into Doctor Who at the time and involved in fan circles where a lot of people were excited about discussing the inherently genderweird nature of regeneration and a protagonist who could be portrayed by actors of different identities. But I know that often, I think about it in the context of stories helping us learn new things about ourselves, instead of allowing us to reclaim old ones -- even ones we had previously lost to trauma, and now get to associate with something we love, instead. So I’m glad there are more and more characters out there these days who are good at helping us find ourselves at every point in that journey.

#transblogging #long post

[immaturityofthomasastruc]

IOTA Reviews: Rocketear

The Rocketeer is a 1991 Disney movie set in 1930's America where a test pilot gets a jetpack and uses it to fight Nazis and— Wait, what? “Rocketear”? Oh, damn it!

Let's get into the eleventh (chronologically the seventeenth) episode of Miraculous Ladybug's fourth season: Rocketear.

We start off with Carapace and Cat Noir struggling to hold back some T-Rexes brought back to life by a scientist Jurassic Park style. Seriously, they reference the movie in the same scene.

Why wasn't this the plot of the episode again?

After managing to tame the dinosaurs with a whistle of all things, Ladybug notices something's wrong with Nino after he gives the Turtle Miraculous back to her. Apparently, he's wondering why Rena Rouge (who he knows is Alya) wasn't recruited with him today. Ladybug tells him that he was the only help she needed today. In reality, it's because Alya has adjusted to her new role of supporting Ladybug behind the scenes in her new form, Rena Furtive.

And I'm not a fan of the new form. I get the camo, but it doesn't really help her blend in when her suit is bright blue. I think it's based off the arctic fox, but that animal is able to camouflage itself because it's fur matches the snowy environment. I'm sure a bright blue jumpsuit won't stand out when she tries to blend in at all. Also, the fact that Alya can just change her hero form gives even less excuses as to why Ladybug's new form is only when she uses her Lucky Charm.

Alya is struggling to keep this a secret from Nino because they don't have a lot of secrets in their relationship. Marinette says she can kind of get it because she had to keep her identity a secret from her friend and has to keep keeping her identity a secret from everyone else. Basically, she's telling Alya to suck it up because this is what being a superhero is.

So the next time she sees Nino, Alya tells him she's no longer Rena Rouge, but not about Rena Furtive, which troubles her. The very next scene shows Alya showing Marinette pictures she took of her new costume and asking her which version looks better.

You could always try reviewing Akuma fights. I heard there's one blog that does it when they're not criticizing the famous director Thomas Astruc on social media.

Yeah, in case you can't tell, Alya was only able to rent her brain for a few episodes because she really doesn't seem as understanding about being a superhero as she was in earlier episodes. In episodes like “Optigami” and “Sentibubbler”, we saw Alya use more strategy and show discretion as Rena Rouge, seemingly taking her job more seriously, but then this episode just had to go and piss it all away. I also love how the first time the animators made Alya's skin the same when she's transformed is in a single frame for a joke.

Alya thankfully deletes the picture, but Nino overhears her talking about struggling to find more content for the Ladyblog, and decides to go to the movies with her to help take her mind off things. Nino, in turn, proceeds to give the same reaction to the in-universe Ladybug movie that Astruc gives to the PV.

Apparently, that movie's already getting a sequel and it has a teaser. So was the sequel animated at the same time as the original like Back to the Future Part II and Back to the Future Part III?

Nino gets pissed the next movie in the Ladybug Cinematic Universe will feature Rena Rouge and not Carapace... even though Rena Rouge debuted first. The teaser then shows Rena Rouge falling for Cat Noir (yet another creative liberty taken by the writers or something Astruc's self-insert threw in himself), and takes it like it's the real thing. Dude, the first movie said Ladybug was afraid of cats, and the director yelled at the person it was based on for judging it. He clearly has a hard time distinguishing fiction from reality.

Alya leaves Nino early so she can go on patrol, but Nino sees Cat Noir heading out as well. He then watches a video on the Ladyblog where Alya praises Cat Noir which is totally not Astruc projecting or anything.

I don't know what your definition of a prince is, Alya, and I honestly don't want to know.

So Nino takes this as evidence that Alya is in love with Cat Noir and decides to tell Adrien, who naturally laughs him off. And just before you think we have an episode where Adrien plays the straight man, Adrien decides to visit Alya because he's afraid he accidentally charmed Alya.

Yes, because Cat Noir is so charming, girls are just fighting over him, aren't they?

We then cut to a black and white film noir monologue by Nino (dressed like a detective with a fake mustache), who decides to spy on Alya. When Cat Noir asks Alya if she is attracted to him, she naturally laughs him off, though Cat Noir is thankfully a good sport about it, even giving her a hug to apologize. Unfortunately, Nino took this the wrong way.

The next day at school, Nino takes Adrien into his “office” (it's really an excuse to reuse the boiler room setpiece), and shows him the picture of the hug. Adrien says that Alya would never fall for Cat Noir because she's always dedicated to finding out the truth and telling her boyfriend everything. What's Nino's retort?

Okay, several problems with this bit. First of all, why would Nino even tell Adrien any of this? What would it accomplish? Why not say all this to Alya while confronting her about her alleged unfaithfulness? Second, Ladybug didn't give Nino and Alya their Miraculous at the same time until it was an absolute emergency. She outright said in “Hero's Day” that she didn't have time to recruit Nino and Alya separately.

Ladybug: I'm sorry for what I'm about to do. I know I'm revealing your secret identities but I don't have time to find a good excuse to give them to you separately. Rena Rouge and Carapace, I need you both!

Nino and Alya kept their identities secret from each other until then, with Alya even keeping the fact she knew who Carapace was a secret as well. Nino didn't find out because “they don't hide anything from each other” (which I plan to talk about later).

Other than that, I actually liked Adrien in this scene. It was really investing to see him try to justify the whole secret identities rule while Nino blatantly said there was an exception. This is the kind of stuff I wanted to see when it came to Adrien doubting Ladybug, not him destroying things in his anger.

While Nino rants about how Cat Noir “stole” Alya from him, Shadowmoth sends an Akuma his way, turning him into Rocketear.

And the design he has is just boring. It's just a blue jumpsuit with some black spots that look like teardrops, a teardrop-shaped head and a visor. I think the reason this season's been relying more on past Akumas and using more Sentimonsters is because DQ is terrible at character designs. I mean, compare this suit with Aigraon from Zyuden Sentai Kyoryuger (his Power Rangers counterpart is Wrench from Dino Charge).

The design does so much more with the teardrop motif, giving him a perpetually miserable face with tear lines going all over his body. Add that to a more diverse color scheme, and you have a much more visually stunning design. And this was created in real life, not rendered on a computer. I'm not sure if this is a budget thing or a laziness thing, but if it's the former, you really need to do better, animators.

The powers are meh, giving Nino the ability to fling explosive tears at enemies. It's a clever idea, and it makes sense he gets a power that parallels Cat Noir's, but I think maybe it would have been more interesting if he couldn't control the tears at all. Like, imagine if he was constantly crying like Blue Diamond, and with every tear he shed, Rocketeer could send it at whoever he felt was causing him misery, mainly Cat Noir, all while serving as a metaphor for people who blame others for their own personal issues. Better yet, make him look like the detective outfit Nino wore for the second act. It would have made him more unpredictable instead of making his tears generic projectile weapons.

Marinette and Alya see the fight and transform into Ladybug and Rena Furtive respectively, the former summoning her Lucky Charm, a projector. Is it just me, or has this been happening with Ladybug a lot recently?

Back to Rocketear, we get a good moment where Cat Noir intentionally lets the Akuma hit him so he can get a chance to resolve things diplomatically. See, this is a moment where Cat Noir's self-sacrificing nature feels heroic and not selfish like when he does it without Ladybug's permission to spite her. Unfortunately, it doesn't really go anywhere as Ladybug shows up and plays the recording Nino took (Alya found his phone earlier), while Rena Furtive uses her Mirage to give the audio to what actually happened that night.

Rena transforms back into Alya and embraces Rocketear, who apologizes to her for his behavior. And then he just... rejects Shadowmoth's power while looking like it wasn't that much effort.

At least when Chloe and Alya did it, we saw them struggling for a little longer. I guess maybe it's because Nino is motivated by his love for Alya, but I think it should have been fleshed out more. So Ladybug purifies the Akuma, gives Nino a Magical Charm, and Cat Noir is still unsure about his feelings for Ladybug at the moment, though they still pound it.

Back in his room, Adrien ponders why Alya and Nino get to know their identities while he and Ladybug can't, but Plagg points out it's because she's the Guardian. It's brief, but I do like seeing Adrien start to doubt Ladybug's judgment, and it looks like it'll foreshadow future episodes. This is a problem I've had since “Hero's Day”, and I'm glad the writers are finally acknowledging this double standard. I just hope they don't end up blaming Marinette for whatever happens later on.

Marinette, of course, apologizes for what happened between Alya and Nino, and I have to say... yeah, no. It's obviously Nino's fault here.

Nino really pushed personal boundaries in this episode, much like Marinette's friends in “Gang of Secrets”. Yes, honesty is a valuable trait, but sometimes, people have secrets they want to keep to themselves. Nino's idea of “not hiding anything from each other” is somewhat controlling, like he's demanding Alya tell him everything whether she wants to or not. The fact that he immediately assumed Alya was cheating on him without giving her freedom to make her own choices doesn't make him look good. Let's be honest, a more realistic outcome would be Alya choosing to break things off with Nino or at least lecture him about how she can do what she wants and keep the secrets she wants. But instead...

And that's how the episode ends.

Okay, Marinette just said she trusted Alya to make the right decision, but I highly doubt she meant this. Marinette strictly said Alya had to keep Rena Furtive a secret, and now she's telling Nino this despite the risk? The whole reason Marinette and Luka broke up was because Marinette had to keep her secrets from Luka, but now it's okay for Alya to be completely honest? How is this not a double standard?

This episode was just dull, and there’s not even much I can really say about it.. There were a handful of standout moments, and the stuff with Adrien was somewhat compelling, but Nino's behavior was just insufferable and dragged the episode down. The Akuma fight was weak, only lasting about four minutes at most, and while the Lucky Charm was more creative this time, the plot was just frustrating. It's really one of the weaker episodes this season.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch the better Rocketeer.

#immaturity of thomas astruc #iota #thomas astruc #thomas astruc salt #miraculous ladybug #miraculous ladybug salt #marinette dupain cheng #ladybug #adrien agreste #cat noir #chat noir #alya cesaire #rena rouge #rena furtive #nino lahiffe #carapace #rocketear #gabriel agreste #hawkmoth #hawk moth #shadowmoth #shadow moth #plagg #bob roth

[devilsskettle]

oh man i have a Lot of thoughts about the autopsy of jane doe, both positive and critical For Sure, i'd be SO excited to see your analysis of it! definitely keeping an eye out for that 👀

thanks! i'm working on something article-like to talk about the film and i don't know what i want to do with it yet lol but if i don't post it on here i'll definitely link it. it's mainly a discussion of gender in possession/occult films in the same way that carol clover describes in men, women, and chainsaws - that there are dual plot lines in occult films, usually gendered masculine and feminine respectively, where the "main" feminine plot (the actual possession) is actually a way to explore the "real" masculine plot (the emotional conflict of the "man in crisis" protagonist). typically the man in crisis is too masculine, or "closed" emotionally, where the woman is too "open," which is why she acts as the vehicle for the supernatural occurrence as well as the core emotions of the film. the man has to learn how to become more open (though if he becomes too open, like father karras in the exorcist, he has to die by the end - he has to find a happy medium, where he doesn't actually transgress gender expectations too much. clover calls this state the "new masculine," and we might apply the term "toxic masculinity" to the "closed" emotional state). part of the "opening up" feature of the story is that it allows men to be highly emotionally expressive in situations where they otherwise might not be allowed to, which is cathartic for the assumed primary audience of these films (young men). another feature of the genre is white science vs black magic (once you exhaust the scientific "rational" explanations, you have to accept that something magic is happening). the autopsy of jane doe does this even more than the films she discusses when she published the book in 1992 (the exorcist, poltergeist, christine, etc) because the supernaturally influenced young woman who becomes this kind of vehicle is more of an object than a character. she doesn't have a single line of dialogue or even blink for the entire runtime of the movie. the camerawork often pans to her as if to show her reactions to the events of the movie, which seems kind of pointless because it's the same reaction the whole time (none) but it allows the viewer to project anything they want onto her - from personal suffering to cunning and spite. 

compare again to the exorcist: is the story actually about regan mcneil? no. but do we care about her? sure (clover says no, but i think we at least feel for her situation lol). and do we get an idea of what she's like as a person? yes. even though her pain and her body are used narratively as a framework for karras' emotional/religious crisis, we at least see her as a person. both she and her mother are expendable to the "real" plot but they're very active in their roles in the "main" plot - our "jane doe" isn't afforded even that level of agency or identity. so. is that inherently sexist? well, no - if there were other women in the film who were part of the "real" plot, i would say that the presence of women with agency and identity demonstrate enough regard for the personhood of women to make the gender of the subject of the autopsy irrelevant. but there are none. of the three important women in the film, we have 1) an almost corpse, 2) an absent (dead) mother, and 3) a one dimensional girlfriend who is killed off for a man's character development/cathartic expression of emotions. all three are just platforms for the men in crisis of this narrative. 

and, to my surprise, much of the reception to the film is to embrace it as a feminist story because the witch is misconstrued as a badass, powerful, Strong Female Character girl boss type for getting revenge on the men who wronged her, with absolutely no consideration given to what the movie actually ends up saying about women. and the director has said that he embraces this interpretation, but never intended it. so like. of course you're going to embrace the interpretation that gives you critical acclaim and the moral high ground. but it's so fucking clear that it was never his intention to say anything about feminism, or women in general, or gender at all. so i find it very frustrating that people read the film that way because it's just. objectively wrong.

there's also things i want to say about this idea that clover talks about in a different chapter of the book when she discusses the country/city divide in a lot of horror (especially rape-revenge films) in which the writer intends the audience to identify with the city characters and be against the country characters (think of, like, house of 1000 corpses - there's pretty explicit socioeconomic regional tension between the evil country residents and the travelers from the city) but first, they have to address the real harm that the City (as a whole) has inflicted upon the Country (usually in the forms of environmental and economic destruction) so in order to justify the antagonization the country people are characterized by, their "retaliation" for these wrongs has to be so extreme and misdirected that we identify with the city people by default (if country men feel victimized by the City and react by attacking a city woman who isn't complicit in the crimes of the City in any of the violent, heinous ways horror movies employ, of course we won't sympathize with them). why am i bringing this up? well, clover says this idea is actually borrowed from the western genre, where native americans are the Villains even as white settlers commit genocide - so they characterize them as extremely savage and violent in order to justify violence against them (in fiction and in real life). the idea is to address the suffering of the Other and delegitimize it through extreme negative characterization (often, with both the people from the country and native americans, through negative stereotyping as well as their actions). so i think that shows how this idea is transferred between different genres and whatever group of people the writers want the viewers to be against, and in this movie it’s happening on the axis of gender instead of race, region, or class. obviously the victims of the salem witch trials suffered extreme injustice and physical violence (especially in the film as victim of the ritual the body clearly underwent) BUT by retaliating for the wrongs done to her, apparently (according to the main characters) at random, she's characterized as monstrous and dangerous and spiteful. her revenge is unjustified because it’s not targeted at the people who actually committed violence against her. they say that the ritual created the very thing it was trying to destroy - i.e. an evil witch. she becomes the thing we're supposed to be afraid of, not someone we’re supposed to sympathize with. she’s othered by this framework, not supported by it, so even if she’s afforded some power through her posthumous magical abilities, we the viewer are not supposed to root for her. if the viewer does sympathize with her, it’s in spite of the writing, not because of it. the main characters who we are intended to identify with feel only shallow sympathy for her, if any - even when they realize they’ve been cutting open a living person, they express shock and revulsion, but not regret. in fact, they go back and scalp her and take out her brain. after realizing that she’s alive! we’re intended to see this as an acceptable retaliation against the witch, not an act of extreme cruelty or at the very least a stupid idea lol. 

(also - i hate how much of a buzzword salem is in movies like this lol, nothing about her injuries or the story they “read” on her is even remotely similar to what happened in salem, except for the time period. i know they don’t explicitly say oh yeah, she was definitely from salem, but her injuries really aren’t characteristic of american executions of witches at all so i wish they hadn’t muddied the water by trying to point to an actual historical event. especially since i think the connotation of “witch” and the victims of witch trials has taken on a modern projection of feminism that doesn’t really make sense under any scrutiny. anyway)

not to mention the ending: what was the writer intending the audience to get from the ending? that the cycle of violence continues, and the witch’s revenge will move on and repeat the same violence in the next place, wherever she ends up. we’re supposed to feel bad for whoever her next victims will be. but what about her? i think the movie figures her maybe as triumphant, but she’s going to keep being passed around from morgue to morgue, and she’s going to be vivisected again and again, with no way to communicate her pain or her story. the framework of the story doesn’t allow for this ending to be tragic for her, though - clearly the tragedy lies with the father and son, finally having opened up to one another, unfortunately too late, and dying early, unjust deaths at the hands of this unknowable malignant entity. it doesn’t do justice to her (or the girlfriend, who seems to be nothing but collateral damage in all of this - in the ending sequence, when the police finds the carnage, it only shows them finding the bodies of the men. the girlfriend is as irrelevant to the conclusion as she is to the rest of the plot). 

but does this mean the autopsy of jane doe is a “bad” movie? i guess it depends on your perspective. ultimately, it’s one of those questions that i find myself asking when faced with certain kinds of stories that inevitably crop up often in our media: how much can we excuse a story for upholding regressive social norms (even unintentionally) before we have to discount the whole work? i don’t think the autopsy of jane doe warrants complete rejection for being “problematic” but i think the critical acclaim based on the idea that it’s a feminist film should be rejected. i still consider it a very interesting concept with strong acting and a lot of visual appeal, and it’s a very good piece of atmospheric horror. it’s does get a bit boring at certain points, but the core of the film is solid. it’s also not trying to be sexist, arguably it’s not overtly sexist at all, it’s just very very androcentric at the expense of its female characters, and i’m genuinely shocked that anyone would call it feminist. so sure, let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water, but let’s also be critical about how it’s using women as the stage for men’s emotional conflict 

also re: my description of this little project as “a film isn’t feminist just because there’s a woman’s name in the title” - i actually don’t want to skim over the fact that “jane doe” isn’t a real name. of the three women in the film, only one has a real name; the other two are referred to by names given to them by men. i’ll conclude on this note because i want to emphasize the lack of even very basic ways of recognizing individual identity afforded to women in this film. so yeah! the end! thanks for your consideration if you read this far! 

#the autopsy of jane doe #men women and chainsaws #horror #also to be clear i'm not saying that the exorcist is somehow more feminist because. it's not. i'm just using it as a frame of reference #you'd think a film from 2016 would escape the ways gender is constructed in one from 1973 but that's not really the case #i actually rewatched the end of the movie to make sure that what i said about the girlfriend's body not being found at the end was accurate #and yeah! it is! the intended audience-identified character shifts to the sheriff who - that's right! - is also a man #the camerawork is: shot of the dead son / shot of the sheriff looking sad / shot of the dead father / shot of the sheriff looking sad / #shot of jane doe / shot of the sheriff looking upset angry and suspicious #which is how we're supposed to feel about the conclusion for each character #the girlfriend is notably absent in this sequence #anyway! this is less about me condemning this movie as sexist and more about looking at how women in occult horror #continue to be relegated to secondary plot lines at best or to set dressing for the primary plot line at worst #and what that says about identification of viewers with certain characters and why writers have written the story that way #i think the reception of the film as Feminist might actually point to a shift in identification - but to still be able to enjoy the movie #while identifying with a female character you need to change the narrative that's actually presented to you #hence the rampant impulse to misinterpret the intention of the filmmakers #we do want it to be feminist! the audience doesn't identify with the 'default' anymore automatically #i think that's actually a pretty positive development at least in viewership - if only filmmakers would catch up lol #oh and i only very briefly touched on this here but the white science vs black magic theme is pretty clearly reflected in this film also

[saturdaysky]

hello! i hope you don't mind a message, but i am just excited to see someone else who liked AMCE and would love to know if you have recs for books that are similar, because i've been thinking about it for like a month straight since i finished reading it and would love something else to occupy my brain the way that it did. no pressure to answer ofc, just happy to share good vibes over a book :)

I do not mind it at all! <3

I do have some books that scratched a similar itch as A Memory Called Empire! I looooved the thoughtful focus on culture and language and identity within an intricate setting, so these recs follow that pattern somewhat.

Under a cut because this got kind of long.

The Imperial Radch trilogy by Ann Leckie

Liked the exploration of culture, identity, and imperialism in AMCE? You will probably like these books, since they also grapple with those themes. Also present is the exploration of personhood, who has it, and who does not -- because our main character is a person who used to be a starship. Or well, sort of. Wikipedia has a decent blurb:

The novel follows Breq—who is both the sole survivor of a starship destroyed by treachery, and the vessel of that ship's artificial consciousness—as she seeks revenge against the ruler of her civilization.

These books are honestly some of my favorite books ever. They combine a really thoughtful and deliberate focus on all the stuff mentioned above, fascinating plots and world-building, and characters who absolutely made me Feel Things. Highly recommended if you like, say, emotionally closed-off and damaged characters learning to care and be cared for while also skillfully navigating an intricate web of power to pursue their goals and reckon with the harm they've caused. But with bonus smart thoughts about robots.

The Foreigner series by C.J. Cherryh

I haven't fully made my way through this series, but it's rewarding every time I sit down to read another book. The books follow Bren Cameron, diplomat to an alien court, as he negotiates the intricate web of politics and intrigue involved in making sure the crash-landed colony ship he represents doesn't get obliterated or obliterate anyone else, despite humans making some monumental fuck-ups in the recent past.

And when you live and work and eat among one people, how much do you really belong to the people you came from? Of course, neither side really trusts someone who straddles both worlds, and to cap it off, the atevi people he lives among are different from humans in a fundamental way: they have no word for friend or love because those are alien concepts to the atevi. They do not feel such things. Instead, they live by an intricate web of obligation and favors. Trust is something a little more practical and a lot more deadly, for the atevi.

But these are not heartless novels -- part of the joy is watching the main characters grow meaningful relationships, even though the form is fraught and strange and never quite means the same thing to the people on either side.

If you like slow and thorough explanations of culture where meeting with your friend's grandmother is a potentially perilous activity (because the tea might be poisoned, because she might take you on a hunting trip you won't come back from, because she's a formidable political power and might be trying to assassinate your friend, because your friend might know all of this and have sent you anyway, also your friend is the king) these are books you might like.

The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison

If you like deep dives of culture, language, identity, and loyalty within the deadly intrigue of a fantasy court, I hiiiiighly recommend this book. The book follows Maia, the youngest and least-favored heir to the throne who gets unexpectedly crowned when everyone else in line dies and must quickly learn to survive the cutthroat politics. But Maia isn't cutthroat by nature; he is kind and must negotiate how to keep that kindness in the face of pressures that would be easy to solve with cruelty, as well as people keen to take advantage of what they think of as a weakness.

This book'll hit you with a lot of fantasy language at first (it's a focus of the book), but if you stick with it you'll be fine. You're learning all this intricate court language at the same time as our protag; he too is a little out of his depth at the start.

Steerswoman series by Rosemary Kirstein

I dearly want to go back and read these -- it's been a few years, but they absolutely sucked me in. The books follow Rowan, a steerswoman, as she tracks down the mystery of a strange and incongruous gemstone. In-universe steerswomen are basically traveling scientists and naturalists who have taken an oath of truth.

The books start out in what seems like your fairly typical Standard Fantasy Setting with wizards and dragons, but as Rowan learns more about the strange gem, it's clear that this Standard Fantasy Setting is...not as it seems. There are three things that I loved about these books: the sense of wonder and discovery as our fantasy scientist protag reasons through problems and begins to discover she lives in a sci fi world, the interesting relationship between the main characters, and the excitement you as a reader have when YOU realize exactly what mysterious object Rowan is describing and what the implications of that are for the setting.

The Broken Earth trilogy by N.K. Jemisin

Riveting series -- brutal and beautiful. Straddles the line in some respects between sci fi and fantasy. Follows characters who live on a far, far-future Earth plagued by catastrophic climate events called "Seasons" that last generations. There are some people born who have power drawn from the earth; these people are alternately hated and ruthlessly trained to hone their powers to attempt to prevent another Season. (This sort of sounds like the setup to a YA coming-of-age novel, but it is really really not.)

The world and fantastical aspects are fascinating (cyclical post apocalyptic societies! geology magic!), and the books themselves explore family bonds, racism in both a personal and systemic sense, and broken systems and the wounds they leave upon the people within them even as those people wound others. The series is not a light read, but it is a good one.

Literally anything by Ursula K. Leguin

All of her work could be recommended if you liked AMCE. Her writing spans fantasy and science fiction, and includes thoughtful and moving explorations of some similar ideas: culture and cultural exchange, gender, different societal setups, you name it.

If you're looking for a good novel, The Left Hand of Darkness is a classic for a reason. If you'd like a sample platter of interesting short stories, The Birthday of the World and Other Stories is wonderful.

#book recs #i had to trim this list down so you know... i got more recs where this came from #like #anticapitalist books about Personhood & a killer robot who just became A Person; robot is in a committed not-relationship w a cargo carrier #a book from the POV of a god who is a mountain watching society rise and fall around it. but other gods do more than just watch... #books about greek gods making a bet & stealing 10k children to form a philosophically perfect society outside of time. 3rd book set on mars #scifi books about an alternate history of the US space program if an asteroid struck Earth in 1952 - as told by the first female astronauts #a book about the messy relationships between you - a body-hopping parasite - and the people whose bodies you steal #a book about a colony ship that lands on a planet full of plants they do not realize are sentient and predatory - as told over generations #a book about a colony ship that lands on a planet where ancient terraforming accidentally uplifted spiders instead of primates #AND MORE! #asks #burningdarkfire

[fluffnstuffq]

We all know that the “kin for fun” trend is bad. 

Recently, however, the question of “why is it bad?” has risen in prominence, and thus I’d like to give my two cents on the matter. I initially wanted to give a rehash of the whole “this is a community which has been around for decades, please don’t appropriate its terms because you don’t know what you’re talking about” spiel.. though I know that’s been repeated endlessly to no avail. 

Dozens of times I’ve tried to explain that, though I’ve often been faced with the “words change” or “it’s just a game, it harms no one” argument.

So I’m taking a more personal approach.

I don’t know if my anecdotes will change anyone’s mind, but if anyone in the “kin for fun” community sees this and actually reads through it, I implore you to try to listen to genuine otherkin, do some research, and find other terms that better suit you.

Beware, long rambling anecdote under the cut.

It is hard to believe that, a mere 8 months ago, I was new to the otherkin community. 

I’d been reading about and researching otherkinity in depth for as long as a year prior, though it was as recently as May 2020 upon which I took my own first step into evaluating my own experiences, creating an otherkin oriented side blog, and formally taking the plunge into what I’d initially assumed, from fun “kin assign ask games” or “no doubles drama”, to be a trend.

While I quickly versed myself in the original, serious and introspective parts of the community, I had my fair share of run-ins with those of the “kinnie/kin for fun crowd”. One such experience, over the course of about two-three months, forever left an impression on the way I view the community (and the problems within it) as a whole.

Without naming names, some of the individuals we encountered turned out to be... the practical embodiment of some of the worst facets of this community.

They were the prime example of the misguided “kinnie” mindset. Dead-set on fitting under the ‘kin label, though unwilling to do any research on their own. Faking out of control, dramatic shifts to seem more “valid” to genuine otherkin (more on that later). Willing to go as far as picking traits from other people’s original characters to “customize” their “kinsonas” perfectly. 

However, aside from their merely misguided attempts to fit in (which could’ve been easily fixed if not for the stubborn kinnie mindset), the most scathing of their actions highlighted some major issues of the “kin for fun” side.

In just a few months, we had our identities stomped on and treated like nothing more than a game. 

You see, the “kinnie” mindset is not self contained. It is almost impossible to maintain this mindset and respect the involuntary, deeply personal nature of otherkin history, due both to widespread misinformation/trends, as well as the common plague of stubborn ignorance of definitions.

In most cases we’ve seen, once one steps fully into the mindset that their own kintypes are nothing more than a game or an act, they begin to at the very least subconsciously view others’ experiences the same way. 

This is obviously not the case for all those who take on alterhuman identities by choice (ex: copinglinking). However, in taking on the “kin for fun” label, one immediately disrespects the identities of others by appropriating and bending terms with a history to fit themself. 

And once one establishes that they lack care or concern for the already, dare I say, endangered terms once meant to foster a sense of community and understanding, of shared experiences... that person already predisposes themself to spiraling into greater disrespect and ignorance of the identities of others.

The individuals that we encountered, like many others of this mindset, used their so-called “kins” for the sole purpose of feeling validated, for looking “cool” and as leverage to get their way. Because it was nothing more than roleplay and a brief interest to them, they often treated others’ kintypes as something that could be similarly discarded/”turned off” or reset. As if others’ kintypes were nothing more than characters which didn’t deserve respect.

Exotrauma and otherwise painful memories, while stressful and sometimes nightmare inducing for us, were nothing more than fodder for outlandish “story ideas” and “angst” for them. 

In the cases of these individuals faking shifts, they often acted in ways threatening and even triggering to those around them; though because it was just a show for them, they failed time and time again to recognize the negative impact their violent “shifts” had on others. 

They had no restraint, for both their own actions and the fearful/concerned reactions of others were just harmless roleplay in their eyes. (I do feel like..  even roleplay should have boundaries if the events of a story upset the people participating, and the notion that anything goes, even at the expense of someone else’s comfort.. it just gives very uncomfortable “fiction does not affect reality” vibes. Though, that’s a story for another time).

As our experiences weren’t real to them and never had been, they often conflated us with the “canon characters”, like we and many others they interacted with were nothing more than toys to fixate on, change and push “headcanons” onto, and test the limits of.

And because they didn’t care to learn, because individuals such as these continued to remorselessly fall deeper into the rabbit hole of “I do whatever I want/I don’t care to learn otherwise”, the lack of consideration grew more severe.

Those who “kin for fun” may certainly be experiencing.. something, I will not discount that assertion. Whether copinglinking, a hearttype, or merely a fictionflicker/cameo shift. However, it’d be disingenuous to say that it is harmless for them to continue to warp and pick at terms that do not and will never fit them. For every joke, every dozens-long “coping-kinlist”, every admittance of “haha I was never a serious kin”, they all do the same in spreading misinformation. 

As I see more and more people self-identifying as “copinglink, but using the kin title because it sounds better”, even if calling oneself “a non-serious kinnie”, one wonders... why use those terms if you know they do not fit? Why encroach upon communities of bittersweet memories, of aching homesickness, of involuntary nonhumanity, only with the intention of putting on an act?

Why fight so hard, when directly told and shown how “kin for fun” actively tears apart the already dwindling otherkin community on this platform? Why cling so hard to words that are not yours, why force change upon the definitions of words meant to be a safe haven for those searching for understanding? Why paint “serious otherkin” as dangerous gatekeepers, sufferers of clinical lycanthropy, or those merely suffering from delusions/hallucinations?

Because of those who “kin for fun”, I was initially steered away from investigating my own identity; I’d only seen the jokes, the toxic “kin drama”, the cringe blogs and factkin and “kinning”. Because of “kin for fun”, it took me over a year to come to terms with my own alterhumanity, in all of its facets.

Because of “kinnies”, my fears are proven time and time again that I will come across someone who views my identity as roleplay at best and “childish, a phase, character theft” at worse. Because of “kinnies” and the mindset they’ve fostered, time and time again someone steals my memories, my experiences, my identity, justifying it as creating their own version, like an AU of an AU.

Because of “kinnies”, time and time again I’ve been told to “stop taking things so seriously, it’s just for fun” when complaining about my identity being minimized. I’ve been told that “kinnies”, despite appropriating an already existing community, are the “normal ones”, the “sane ones”, the “good ones” who don’t really believe in all that they boast. 

Some have even told me that it doesn’t matter at all, for all they can see is a trend with no real hold over their identity in the longrun. “It won’t matter in ten years”, they say. 

Perhaps not for them, long after their interest in the “trend” has faded. But for me and countless other genuine otherkin? In ten years I will still be Blixer from Just Shapes and Beats, I will still be an unnamed creature of woods and starlight and faded memories of golden lanterns, I will still be otherkin, and I will still carry the scars of my identity being torn to shreds and thrown into my face like dirt.

I cannot run from my kintypes and never could, even when I was afraid of them. “Kinnies”, in most cases, hardly believe my identity really exists.

What do they believe, then? What are they trying to achieve, scrubbing away the less “aesthetically pleasing”, fluffy bits of this community? What good does it do them to take meaningful, personal words to describe an identity that they can shed at the drop of a hat if it is “problematic” or boring at the end of the day?

One can smile and nod and say that, despite “kinning for fun”, they still respect otherkinity as a whole. And I say, in most cases, that reassurance is hollow. You have already stolen our words, you have already spread misinformation.

This has stumbled into rambling territory, so I leave a few questions, honest, genuine questions.

I ask those who “kin for fun”, what is the allure of words that you have stolen? What is the allure of having the blood of a shattered community on your hands?

As many others have said before, you may find a place in the greater alterhuman community. We have terms for you, as well as many other specific experiences.

Why fight so hard to steal our haven, to push us out of our own spaces, when your own words are waiting for you with open arms?

Words change, yes, but why fight so hard to change them at the expense of others?

#fluffywords #otherkin #fictionkin #important #//i want this to be SEEN this is our most important essay post yet /srs // #please reblog #//rb if you want to i mean. not forcing anyone /gen. its just very very important weee// #//we crave introspective discussion//

[firelxdykatara]

I've recently seen a few blogs imply that Zuko confronting his father and escaping from his abusive household inherently has gay undertones. I can't fully explain why, especially since I can see how one can hc him as gay, but this assumption irks me. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Oof, I have a Lot Of Thoughts about this lmao

I talked a bit about it in my Zuko is Not Gay Coded post:

making [zuko’s confrontation of ozai] about zuko being gay and rejecting ozai’s homophobia, rather than zuko learning fundamental truths about the world and about his home and about how there was something deeply wrong with his nation that needed to be fixed in order for the world to heal (and, no, ‘homophobia’ is not the answer to ‘what is wrong with the fire nation’, i’m still fucking pissed at bryke about that), misses the entire point of his character arc. this is the culmination of zuko realizing that he should never have had to earn his father’s love, because that should have been unconditional from the start. this is zuko realizing that he was not at fault for his father’s abuse--that speaking out of turn in a war meeting in no way justified fighting a duel with a child.

is that first realization (that a parent’s love should be unconditional, and if it isn’t, then that is the parent’s fault and not the child’s) something that queer kids in homophobic households/families can relate to? of course it is. but it’s also something that every other abused kid, straight kids and even queer kids who were abused for other reasons before they even knew they were anything other than cishet, can relate to as well. in that respect, it is not a uniquely queer experience, nor is it a uniquely queer story, and zuko not being attracted to girls (which is what a lot of it seems to boil down to, at the end of the day--cutting down zuko’s potential ships so that only zukka and a few far more niche ships are left standing) is not necessary to his character arc. nor does it particularly make sense.

And it’s really the first bit of that second paragraph that people who make such claims don’t seem to understand--being able to relate to something because of your own experiences doesn’t necessarily mean that the thing you are relating to is inherently tied to those experiences.

What I mean by that is that we, as human beings, can relate to a lot of experiences which don’t necessarily exactly parallel our own, because we thrive on pattern recognition and can easily find elements of our own experiences in things which look familiar, even if they ultimately have a different source. In that way, abuse narratives are fairly universal--it doesn’t matter why someone was abused (or, rather, what the justifications were on the part of the abuser), abuse victims will see themselves in abuse narratives, even if the fictional victim doesn’t actually suffer from the exact same abuse. A queer kid who was kicked out of their home for being gay could easily see themselves in Zuko being forced into exile, but that does not mean that Zuko was exiled for being gay, and it does not mean that being kicked out of the house by an abusive parent is an inherently gay experience.

I have been, with varying frequency, threatened again and again with being kicked out of my home since I was sixteen years old. It has nothing to do with me being queer--since I’m not out to my family and didn’t even realize I wasn’t straight until my early twenties--and everything to do with the fact that my father likes things he can control, and I have been increasingly difficult to control since I started standing up to him. I can intensely relate to Zuko’s experiences as an abused child (once, my father punched me so hard in my shoulder that it bruised my bone--the bruise didn’t fade for three weeks, and he didn’t talk to me for four months; it felt a lot like being exiled, frankly, and he may have gone back to pretending it never happened after that but I’ve never been able to forget), particularly since the only reason I’m not either dead or homeless is because my mom won’t actually let him kick me out.

And I think that’s why it bothers me so much that people claim this is an inherently gay narrative, or that it makes Zuko gay coded (and it’s always gay, because the whole point has been erasing his attraction to girls, not positing that it’s possible he could be attracted to guys), because it feels incredibly invalidating to me--a bi woman whose experience with abuse is so closely echoed in Zuko’s narrative, and whose experience with abuse has nothing whatsoever to do with sexuality.

Like I said in that post, none of this is to say that seeing yourself in Zuko or even projecting onto Zuko and headcanoning him as gay because your experience with abuse is tied to sexuality is wrong or bad or whatever. But claiming that this is coded into his character and that any other reading of him requires ignoring this coding which is practically canon IS wrong, and it’s invalidating to a whole lot of people who see themselves in Zuko, and in Zuko’s experiences, and either aren’t gay or didn’t experience their abuse because of their sexuality. It’s also, frankly, invalidating to other queer people whose experience of abuse is tied to their sexuality or gender identity, but who still aren’t gay.

There’s nothing in Zuko’s narrative that is exclusive or inherent to being gay, specifically. There is nothing that hints at a lack of attraction to women, even if (like me) you interpret certain scenes (-cough- his swordfight with jet -cough-) as indicating the presence of an attraction to men. And Zuko’s abuse narrative will speak to people who were abused for being gay, yes, but it also speaks to people who were abused for being queer in any other respect and to people who were abused for reasons that had nothing to do with being queer, and to cishet abuse victims as well! And I think that trying to erase or invalidate that is insulting on a number of levels.

#atla #zuko #zuko meta #zuko is not gay coded redux #atla fandom salt #salt for ts #not terribly salty atm but just in case #asked #that-turtleduck #abuse cw #physical abuse cw

[wiypt-writes]

Stark Spangled Rebirth

Chapter 2: Is This A Test?

Summary: Steve begins his life at Camp Lehigh, throwing himself into training alongside the other candidates for Operation Rebirth and is shocked when on his first day he comes face to face with someone he hadn’t been expecting to see again…

Warnings: Bad Language words. Some over the clothes making out (NSFW, 18+)

Pairing: Steve Rogers x OFC Katie Stark

A/N:  I might have taken a few liberties here with the way things worked in the Army in the 40s but, let’s face it, no more than the MCU did! Any mistakes are my own. I’ll probably spot them once posted but, whatever!

This series is my contribution of sorts to the CATF 10 Year Anniversary Challenge.

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. I do not own any characters in this series bar Katie Stark and the other OCs. By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.

SSR Masterlist // Main Masterlist

Chapter 1

At Camp Lehigh the new recruits were met by their Sergeant, who escorted them to their quarters. There it was explained to them that as they were to form part of a programme run by the Strategic Science Reserve, a separate unit from the rest of the army training at the base, but more would become clear in an hour or so when they reported for exercise. They were then issued their standard uniform, which was awkward for Steve as even the smallest sizes felt like they drowned him but he shrugged it off reminding himself that he had finally done it. He was here, training to be a soldier.

He changed and then Sergeant Duffy appeared again, barking at them to fall in line and they followed him down to an exercise field at the rear of the barracks. Here they once more lined up, Steve taking his place in between teo men whose names he couldn’t remember and they stood, waiting.

“Recruits, attention!”  A female voice called and Steve felt his mouth drop open, because he knew the owner of said voice. “Gentlemen, I’m Agent Stark, this is Agent Carter.”  He turned to face Katie as she began walking down the line, dressed in a sharp army uniform with another woman at her side and a man behind them both who was clutching a box which contained clip files. As she reached Steve, Katie stopped and looked at him, giving him a bashful, almost apologetic smile as the other woman continued to walk.

And wait. Her surname was Stark? As in, Howard Stark? Was that her husband? Had he kissed a married woman? Fuck! Steve swallowed his worry down and averted his eyes as Katie passed down the line following Agent Carter, their eyes flicking to each man in turn.

“We supervise all operations for this division.” Agent Carter spoke in a strong British accent before she was interrupted.

“What’s with the accent, Queen Victoria?” A man further down the line stated rather obnoxiously, causing Agent Carter to stop. Katie drew up alongside her, and Steve watched as, Katie’s hands fell to her hips and she studied the man who’d spoken out of line. “Thought I was signing up for the U.S. Army!”

“What’s your name, soldier?” Agent Carter asked.

“Gilmore Hodge, your Majesty.”

At that the two women exchanged a glance and Agent Carter took a deep breath. “Step forward, Hodge.”

The man obliged, a smirk on his face as he looked around a little, no doubt to check everyone was watching.

“Put your right foot forward.” Agent Carter instructed.

“Mmm… we gonna wrestle? Cause I got a few moves I know you’ll like.” Hodge spoke, before puckering his lips up in a kissing gesture.

Then, there was a flurry of movement and in a flash Katie was behind him, jerking his arm up his back. She aimed a sharp kick to the back of his knee causing Hodge to stumble to the floor. She went with him, her knee planted firmly in the base of his spine, arm twisting even more and he gave out a yell, “Okay, okay I yield.”

Steve gave a little huff of laughter, as did the man to his right as Katie stood up, not a hair out of place and smoothed down her jacket and trousers as Hodge rose to his feet. No sooner had he done that Agent Carter punched him hard, straight in the face.

And Steve laughed a little more this time, hastily straightening his face when he noticed a man, a Colonel according to the pips on his shoulders, hopping out of jeep as he barked to the two agents.

“Agent Carter, Agent Stark.”

Both of them wheeled round, springing to attention, saluting.

“Colonel Phillips.”

“Sir.”

“I see you’re breaking in the candidates. That’s good!” He nodded to the two women before he looked down at Hodge “Get your ass up out of that dirt and stand in that line at attention 'til somebody comes and tells you what to do.”

“Yes, Sir.” Hodge scrambled to his feet and slotted back into the place he’d been stood previously, looking a little sheepish.

Steve watched as Colonel Phillips started to walk down the line, addressing the new army recruits.  “General Patton has said that wars are fought with weapons but they are won by men. We are going to win this war because we have the best men…” He paused a little at that point as he looked at Steve. Steve kept his face straight, looking directly ahead. He knew full well what the Colonel was thinking, but he was here to prove him wrong. “And because they’re gonna get better. Much better. The Strategic Scientific Reserve is an Allied effort made up of the best minds in the free world. Our goal is to create the best army in history. But every army starts with one man. At the end of this week we will choose that man. He will be the first in a new breed of super-soldiers. And they, will personally escort Adolf Hitler to the gates of Hell.”

Super-Soldiers? The end of the week? That was five days away! Steve could hear a few murmurs down the line as some of the recruits began to exchange glances.

“Did I ask any of you to talk?” Phillips barked and silence fell once more. “The man we select will go through a procedure,” he continued, “an experimental procedure that, if successful, will significantly enhance his physical stature, amplifying all his qualities and abilities. This is not something we take lightly. It is for this reason that you will be assessed not just on your current physical abilities but your mental capacity and it won’t be easy. So if any of you are having second thoughts,” he once more paused at Steve who, as before, ignored him, “speak now or forever hold your peace.”

No one made a sound.

***** Whilst Steve didn’t have much time to think about Katie for the rest of the day as most of his energy was taken by keeping up with the afternoon’s exercise, he found himself with plenty of time to think about her over dinner. He kept himself to himself, taking a seat at the end of a large table in the mess hall, unable to prevent the sullen mood he found himself in.

He knew it was stupid, as he hardly knew the dame, but he felt betrayed, and if truth be told a little confused. Betrayed at the fact she’d kept her true identity and vocation from him, confused as to why she’d kissed him, especially if she was married and knew they’d end up working together. It confounded his original opinion that she’d done it out of some kind of obligation, a thank you if you will for him stepping in that day on the street. Not that he needed to step in, it was perfectly clear now she’d been able to handle herself.

He looked down at the tasteless bully beef and dumplings, before he sighed and continued to eat. Whilst he wasn’t particularly hungry he knew that he had to keep his strength up, especially if he wanted to have any chance to complete the training that was in store tomorrow. When he’d had his fill, he took the tray over to the clear down area and headed outside into the warm New Jersey evening.

It was still light, the birds in the trees singing their melodic evening chorus as Steve headed over the camp towards the sleeping barracks he and the other Project Rebirth candidates had been assigned to. He trudged down the dirt path, hands in his baggy uniform pockets when he heard Katie shouting to him. Taking a deep breath, he stopped, and turned to face her, saluting.

“Agent Stark.”

“Woah, at ease, we ain’t on parade now!” She shook her head.

“Yes Ma’am.” He dropped his arm but kept it firmly by his side, still standing to attention, focussing on a spot slightly behind her.

“What’s with the Ma’am?” She frowned but Steve ignored her question. Her frown deepened and she cocked her head to one side. “Wait, are you angry at me?” Steve’s eyes flicked to hers for a second and he swallowed looking away causing her to sigh. “Steve, I…”

“You lied to me.” He blurted out, his eyes returning to hers and she frowned.

“No, I just didn’t tell you my full story.” She shrugged, lamely.

“Where I come from that’s called lying.”

“Oh come on, Steve, it’s not like you actually asked what I did for a living!”

“I asked if ya worked for Howard Stark.” He folded his arms. “And you said you did.”

“Well, I do, sorta…”

“Oh, is that as well as sorta being married to him?”

“Married?” Katie’s eyes narrowed before they widened again and she grinned. “What, you think…oh my God Steve!” She let out a laugh.

“You know, I’ve had my fill of people laughing at me today.” He rolled his eyes and turned to leave, an angry flush spreading up his neck.

“Howie’s my brother!”

“Your brother?” He stopped dead.

“Yes, you know, same mom, same dad.”

Steve groaned, feeling like a total, total idiot and after a moment or two of cursing himself he turned back to face her, his face bashfully tinged red. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“That you were related? Or what it is that you actually do?”

“Because I didn’t know I was supposed to.” She looked at him. “Plus, I kinda liked not being Agent Katie Stark for a moment and just being, I dunno, some regular girl.”

Steve looked at her again before he glanced away, not quite sure what had come over him. He’d literally never had a conversation with a woman that lasted longer than a few minutes, if that, and here he was for the second time with her just rolling with it, and not just that, he was actually being a little rude. His ma would not be happy.

“I’m sorry.” He offered, his manner contrite. “That was rude. I guess, well, it was just a shock, that’s all.”

“Do you know how people usually react when I tell them what I actually do?” Katie sighed, shaking her head “Most guys run a mile.”

“Well, I’m not like most guys.” Steve instantly retorted, repeating the sentiment she had expressed to him mere days ago. She blinked a little, before she gave a huff of laughter and dropped her eyes to the floor.

“Touche, Rogers. Touche.”

“Can I ask you something?” Feeling emboldened Steve asked hastily, before he chickened out.

“Sure.” She nodded.

“Did you know? That I was gonna be here, I mean.”

“Not for certain.” Katie shook her head. “I had an idea when you told me it was a doctor from a Science Division that had recruited you but until I saw your name on the new-recruit roster this morning, I didn’t know for sure.”

“Right.” Steve nodded, licking his lips a little.

“Does it matter?” Katie frowned.

“Not especially.” He popped a shoulder. “Just kinda figured that if you knew you’d be seeing me each day, you wouldn’t have…you know…”

“Kissed you?”

“Yeah, that.” Steve felt the heat rise in his neck as he thought back to that moment. He ran his hand through his hair in a nervous fashion. “I mean I know you probably did it because you either felt kinda sorry for me or like you hadda thank me but this has gotta be awkward for you right? Seeing me every day as a reminder, but it’s not like I told anyone so-“

“Woah, woah, stop!” Katie shook her head, stepping towards him. “Steve, I don’t care who you told. I’m not embarrassed if that’s what you think.”

“You’re not?”

“No!” Katie looked at him like he was stupid. “And I didn’t kiss you because I felt sorry for you or because I felt I owed you, I kissed you because I wanted to.”

“You wanted to.” Steve looked at her, not quite sure if he believed her or not.

“Is that so hard to comprehend?”

“Frankly, yes!” He snorted. “I mean, look at ya. You’re…” he gestured with his hand towards her. “And I’m…”

“Well lucky for you I’m not a shallow bimbo then isn’t it?” She said, an air of annoyance in her tone. “I might be a Stark, and yes, I’m privileged which means I’m expected to act a certain way with a certain type of man from a certain type of background. Maybe I just wanna act how I wanna act, with who I choose. And your assumption right then? That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you.”

“Katie, I didn’t-” But even by the time he’d finished half his sentence, she’d turned on her heel and left “-mean it like that.” He finished a little lamely, watching her go. His hands dropped to his bony hips and he glanced at the floor, toeing the dirt slightly before he looked up and around.

He felt so out of place, the one thing he’d wanted to do and now he was here he felt as small and as insignificant as he had ever felt. And to top it off, he’d just upset probably the one person he could have relied upon for support. But it was more than that. He felt guilty, guilty that he’d upset her and made assumptions about her, when he actually in all fairness knew nothing about her. He’d judged a book by its cover, which was what he hated everyone doing to him. With a final groan he turned and headed back towards the sleeping quarters, to unpack the small chest of belongings he’d brought with him.

If today was anything to go by, it was going to be a long week.

***** Long was an understatement.

By Monday morning,  Steve had done five different physical assault courses, various runs loaded with equipment, taken part in a number of logic puzzles, had a one on one interview with Colonel Phillips, completed written, arithmetic and geography tests and been subject to another medical examination.  He was now on a fuck knows how many miles drill run, being barked at once more by Sergeant Duffy.

“Pick up the pace, ladies! Let’s go!”

Steve was running as fast as he could, but still lagged ten or fifteen yards behind the main formation of the group. His legs ached, his chest hurt but he was damned if he was giving up.

"Double time! Come on! Faster! Faster! Move! Move!”  Sergeant Duffy instructed as they rounded the corner of the dirt path, drawing up behind a jeep which was parked by a flag pole surrounded by white rocks on the ground. “Squad, halt!”

Finally, Steve could catch his breath. He bent over, hands on his knees as he inhaled deeply, watching the group of men as they gathered around their leader.

“That flag means we’re only at the halfway point.”

Half way? Great…just great.

“First man to bring it to me gets a ride back with Agent Carter. Move, move!”

Steve pushed his helmet back up his head, remaining where he was simply watching as the entire unit all tried to climb the pole. It was a free for all, men pushing each other out of the way, elbows flying, fists flailing. Steve however scanned the pole up and down, his brain logically thinking it through. There had to be a way to get that flag down without having to climb the pole, otherwise how did they put it up there in the first place?

“If that’s all you got, this army’s in trouble!” Duffy snapped “Get up there, Hodge! Come on! Get up there!”

Hodge, who had made it a few feet further than everyone else slid down to the ground and Duffy stood back, his arms folded, smirking a little. “Nobody’s got that flag in seventeen years!” He shook his head “Now fall back into line! Come on, fall in!”

That signalled the end of the little pole exercise, but not for Steve. As everyone cleared away he walked towards it, glancing first at the bottom of the pole, then up to the top, squinting slightly against the sun. If he was right…

“Rogers! I said fall in!” Duffy barked, but Steve ignored him as he bent down and pulled the pin out at the bottom of the pole causing it to fall with a loud crash to the ground in a cloud of dust. He tossed the pin to the floor with a clang as everyone fell silent, watching as he removed the flag from the rope which held it to the pole. He handed it to Sergeant Duffy on his way past.

“Thank you, sir.” He said gently as he climbed into the back of the jeep. Agent Carter turned to face him from her seat in the front and he shot her a smile which she returned, an amused look spreading across her features.

Steve was damned glad of that ride home as, following lunch, they were subjected to another physical activity, this one a seemingly endless circuit training involving star jumps, push up, sit ups you name it.

“Faster, ladies!” Agent Carter barked, as they were all busy doing push ups “Come on. My grandmother has more life in her, God rest her soul. Move it!”

A few more sets and she barked at them to get up, which they obeyed, springing to their feet just as Agent Stark arrived with Colonel Phillips and Dr Erskine. The three of them were clearly mid some debate, Katie looked a little annoyed and turned to Phillips snapping at him, her face flashing with anger. Erskine put his hand on her shoulder and shook his head gently and she rolled her eyes, turning away and looking over towards the group of men.  She locked eyes with Steve who watched her for a second, before Agent Carter’s voice hit his ears and he began the jumping jacks she had instructed them to partake in.

“Come on, girls.”

Steve had no idea how many he did, but he continued going, his arms and legs both spreading and then coming back together as he made jump after jump. He grit his teeth, powering through the burn he was feeling in his muscles, tossing his head out of the way slightly as his dog tags bounced off his chest after a particularly energetic leap, smacking him straight in the nose.

And then he heard it.

“GRENADE!”

All logic flew from Steve’s head and as the rest of the unit scattered he instinctively dived towards the explosive, covering it with his body, curling his knees into his chest in an attempt to minimise the impact to everyone round him.

“Get away!” He yelled, waving his arm as Agent Carter ran towards him, “get back!”

He remained curled in on himself, waiting and waiting but nothing happened. Eventually he looked up, to see everyone was slowly starting to go back to normal and he sat up, frowning a little, his mouth hanging slightly open.

“It was a dummy grenade. All clear. Back in formation.” Someone spoke as Steve glanced first at Agent Carter then over to Phillips and Erskine and finally Agent Stark. As his eyes met hers a smile crossed her face and a flash of something that looked suspiciously like pride filled her pretty features.

“Is this is a test?” He asked as he sat on the floor, completely bemused at what had just happened.

Katie tore her eyes from his to turn to Dr Erskine who was also smiling and they both simultaneously moved their attention to Colonel Phillips. He shot them both a withering look as he spoke before he turned to walk away. As he passed Katie he stopped, pointed to Steve who was now getting to his feet and she nodded, saluting.

Erskine beamed at Steve before he turned to follow Phillips away, once again patting Katie’s shoulder as he left. Steve dusted himself down and then simply watched as Katie walked over to Agent Carter, his eyes following her every move. She whispered something to the other woman who raised her eyebrows, a soft smile crossing her face. Both women then looked at him, before Peggy gave Katie a curt nod as she called the remaining soldiers back into line.

“Private Rogers,” Katie spoke, her eyes soft as she glanced at him, “with me.”

“Ma’am.” He scrambled after her, tripping over his feet slightly as he hurried to catch up with her, glancing back at the line of men who were now being addressed by Agent Carter before she dismissed them all.

“What…where are the rest of the guys goin’?” he began to ask and Katie turned to look at him as he fell into step besides her, to her left.

“They’re leaving.”

“Leaving?” Steve frowned.

“Yup.” Katie nodded as she led him across the training field and onto the gravel track. “They’ll be re-assigned to other units.”

“Other units?” Steve frowned, before her words finally registered “You mean…”

Katie stopped and turned to look at him, smiling as she brushed some of the dirt from his shoulder. “Congratulations. You’re gonna become our first Super Soldier.”

Steve blinked, swallowed and then shook his head. “Is this a joke?”

“No.” Katie shook her head. “I can assure you this is deadly serious.” She took a deep breath and turned to walk down the track to her right.

“Why me?” Steve blurted out as they rounded a row of military jeeps

Katie smiled at him “The fact you’re even asking that should tell you everything you need to know. But if you really want the detailed answer, you should ask Abe.”

“Who?”

“Dr Erskine.”

“Okay, I will, where is he?” Steve looked round almost as if he expected the Doctor to appear form behind the munitions store they were passing.

“I suspect on his way to Brooklyn to meet Howie at the lab.” Katie replied “He’ll be back later so you can talk to him then.”

“The lab’s in Brooklyn?” The surprise was evident in Steve’s voice as Katie led him to one of the large green dome like structures that housed the offices. “So that’s why you were there that day.”

Katie grinned. “Not just a pretty face, are ya?” She stood still, snapping to attention and saluted to the guard on the door who immediately saluted back.

“Agent Stark.” He greeted as he stepped to his right, opening the door for them both to step into. Steve followed behind her down a long corridor. They turned left at the end and Katie stopped outside a door to their right which held a name tag informing them that it was Colonel Phillips’ office.  She gave a sharp rap, and then without waiting for an answer opened the door and stepped in, Steve following.

The Colonel looked up as they entered the room, placing the pen he’d been writing with down on his desk.

“Shut the door.” Phillips barked and Steve scrambled to do as he was told before he drew himself up tall and saluted his superior. “At ease, Rogers.”

“Sir.” Steve nodded and relaxed as much as he could. At that point there was another knock on the door and he turned to see Agent Carter step inside.

“Ma’am.” Steve nodded to Peggy who smiled at him.

“So, I’m assuming Agent Stark has given you the low down?” Phillips spoke and Steve turned back to him, giving a nod.

“Yes, sir.”

“Good, saves me a job.”

“When don’t I?” Katie quipped and Steve’s eyes widened at the fact she’d basically just sassed a superior officer. There was a moment’s pause before Phillips snorted.

“One of these days, Agent Stark, that mouth is gonna get you into trouble.”

“I look forward to it.”

Phillips shot her another look which she met with a smirk and he scoffed a little, turning his attention to Steve. “So, Rogers, Dr Erskine has chosen you as the candidate to become our first Super Soldier.”

“It’s an honor, Sir.”

“Do you have any questions?” Peggy looked at Steve.

Steve pondered for a second. Truth be told he had a lot of questions, but the biggest one, the why, that was going to have to wait for Dr Erskine himself. He took a deep breath and looked up at the Agent before his eyes flicked to Colonel Phillips, and back again.

“What does the procedure actually entail?”

“Agent Stark, you wanna take this?” Phillips looked at her and she nodded.

“You’ll be injected with Erskine’s formula.” Katie looked at Steve “This will cause immediate change to your cells, your DNA. Then to stimulate the change and growth, you’ll be subjected to an intense permeation of Vita-Rays, in a chamber that my brother and Erskine developed especially.”

“Is it safe?” Steve asked.

Katie took a deep breath and shrugged. “On the animal test subjects we’ve used, yeah but I’m not gonna lie to you Steve, other than a Nazi scientist named Johan Schmidt the serum hasn’t been tested on any human subject.”

“What happened to this Schmidt guy?” Steve asked and Katie looked at Phillips, then Peggy, and when she turned back to him he swallowed a little at the look of apprehension on her face.

“It didn’t go the way he planned, but that said the formula was incomplete. Erskine will be able to tell you more tomorrow.” She answered softly. Steve thought on her words for a moment, his eyes still locked onto hers as she licked her lips, offering him nothing but a shrug. “In simple terms, we don’t know if it’s gonna work or not. So you need to think carefully.”

“When is it gonna happen?”

“The procedure will take place tomorrow morning.” Agent Carter spoke. “So you have little over fourteen hours.”

“So despite what Agent Stark says,” Phillips spoke, shooting Katie a look which she met with an equally annoyed one of her own, “there’s little to no time for contemplation.”

“There’s fourteen hours…” Katie began to protest.

“Did I ask for your input?” Phillips snapped and she narrowed her eyes.

“No, you never do. Maybe if you did we-“

“If you want to remain part of this unit you’ll stop that sentence right there.” Phillips pointed at her. Katie’s mouth pressed into a thin line and she folded her arms, shaking her head as she looked away. Steve’s eyes turned back to Phillips who spoke. “If you want out, now is the time to speak up so we can find someone else. Are you in, Rogers? Because if you are, after this meeting and you leave this room, there’s no going back.”

“But I’ve only had like five days of basic training.” Steve frowned “Is that going to be enough?”

“We’re on a schedule.” Phillips shrugged, “It’s going to have to be.”

“Your basic training, or lack thereof, shouldn’t be a problem.” Peggy shook her head “Our intention is to continue to train you up fully so that you’re prepared to lead the others who we, well, who we convert.”

Steve took a deep breath and glanced once more at Katie, who was staring to her left, her jaw set. Was he in? He began to logically step through things in his head. Steve wasn’t an idiot, he knew full well that if he said no he’d be shipped off to another unit and likely sent home or shoved into some kind of non-combat role due to his current lack of physical abilities or strength. The serum might not work, but then what? He ended up deformed? Or dead? But if he was perfectly honest with himself, having had a taste of what it was like to do what he always wanted to, if the opportunity was taken away from him, he might as well be dead anyway.

It was a no brainer as far as he was concerned. He had to do this.

“I’m in.” Steve nodded, his voice loaded with conviction as he gave a firm nod.

To the side of him Katie took a deep breath, an action mimicked by Colonel Phillips, before the older man turned to Agent Carter who stepped to the side revealing a piece of paper on the desk.

“In that case then I need you to sign this.” Phillips said “It’s a form stating that you consent to the procedure. Just a formality that Stark is insisting on.”

“God forbid we do things properly.” Katie mumbled. Phillips shot her another withering glare before he waved a pen at Steve. Steve stepped forward, took the pen off him and glanced down at the form. His eyes scanned it and then, without further hesitation he scribbled his name on the space at the bottom.

“Congratulations Private Rogers.” Phillips nodded as Agent Carter moved to place the form in a filing cabinet at the back.

“So, now what do I do?” Steve asked.

“You can do what the hell you want, within reason.” Phillips shrugged “But you can’t leave base, can’t risk anything happening to you. Not now.”

“By the time you get back to your barracks, everyone else will have packed up and left so I suggest you make the most of the peace and quiet.” Agent Carter smiled. “Because you’re going to be pretty busy from Tomorrow onwards.”

Steve nodded to show he understood and then he was dismissed. Saluting to Phillips he turned to leave the room, followed by Katie who herself was leaving to see her brother.

“Is there anything in particular you’d like to eat tonight?” She asked him as they left the building. “And I don’t mean any of the shit they serve in the mess.”

Steve looked up. “I suppose some of Mrs Tromley’s home made preserve is out of the question?”

“Leave it with me.” She smiled and Steve looked at her for a second before he took a deep breath.

“Look, Agent- Katie, I err, wanted to apologise for my outburst the other night. I was rude and…”

“It’s okay, I don’t hold a grudge.” She paused and turned to face him. “Alright that’s a lie, I do. But only against people who deserve it.”

“And I don’t?” Steve asked with a slight smile and she shrugged.

“For now, no. Plenty of time for me to change my mind though.” And with that, just as she had done at the expo she turned and left him standing there, tossing him a wink over her shoulder as she walked away.

 *****

Katie came through with the preserve, a small jar along with a crusty cob of bread was waiting in his bunk later that evening when he returned from the bathroom cabin. He ate sat on his bed, mulling everything over in his mind before he stood up and decided to go for a walk. He found a nice quiet spot hidden behind one of the munition sheds and sat to draw for a while, a particularly gnarled old tree the target of his attention. When the light diminished too much for him to see properly, he headed back and dropped his sketchbook into his rucksack before he settled down with a book open on his lap.

For the next few hours he tried to read but none of it was really sinking in. He had butterflies in his stomach, not nerves as such, but apprehension, definitely, at what he was letting himself in for. As he re-read the same sentence he’d been looking at for the last ten minutes, there was a knock at the door which made him jump slightly and he turned to look over his left shoulder as Dr Erskine stood in the doorway, a bottle and two glasses in his hand.

“May I?”

“Yeah.” Steve nodded, closing the book as Erskine walked over the floor, placing the glass on the trunk at the end of Steve’s bed.

“Can’t sleep?” Erskine asked as he moved towards the bed opposite Steve.

“I got the jitters, I guess.” Steve shrugged.

Erskine laughed “Me, too.”

“Can I ask you a question?” Steve dropped the book he had been reading down on the trunk next to the glass.

“Just one?” Erskine looked at Steve as he sat down facing him. Steve still had a lot of questions, but the one he wanted an answer to most was the one that flew out of his mouth.

“Why me?”

“I suppose that is the only question that matters.” Erskine said after a moment’s pause. He looked down at the bottle of schnapps he brought with him, turning the label so Steve could see it. “This is from Augsburg. My city. So many people forget that the first country that the Nazi’s invaded was their own.” He took a breath “You know, after the last war my people struggled. They felt weak. They felt small. And then Hitler comes along with the marching and the big show and the flags and the… and the… “ Erskine waved his hand as he took a deep breath, straightening his glasses “And he… he hears of me, my work and he finds me. And he says, ‘You’,” Erskine pointed to emphasise his point, “he says, ‘you will make us strong.’ Well, I am not interested.” Erskine shook his head as he placed the bottle on the floor between his feet, Steve’s eyes following his movements “So he sends the head of HYDRA, his research division. A brilliant scientist by the name of Johann Schmidt.”

That name Steve recognised from before, the one Katie told him about. He watched as Erskine continued talking, once more pushing his glasses up his nose. “Now, Schmidt is a member of the inner circle and he’s ambitious. He and Hitler share a passion for occult power and Teutonic myth. Hitler uses his fantasies to inspire his followers. But for Schmidt, it is not fantasy. For him, it is real. He has become convinced that there is a great power hidden in the Earth, left here by the Gods, waiting to be seized by a superior man. So when he hears about my formula and what it can do, he cannot resist.” Erskine paused as Steve looked at him, understanding immediately he was referring to Schmidt taking the formula. “Schmidt must become that superior man.”

Remembering what Katie had said, about it not going according to plan he looked at Erskine. “Did it make him stronger?”

“Yeah. But, there were other effects.” Erskine conceded, but didn’t elaborate further. “The serum was not ready. But more important, the man. The serum amplifies everything that is inside. So, good becomes great. Bad becomes worse.” He explained and Steve glanced down, taking all the information in “This is why you were chosen.”

At that Steve looked back up at him, his brow furrowing deeply as Erskine continued “Because a strong man, who has known power all his life, will lose respect for that power. But a weak man knows the value of strength, and knows compassion.”

“Thanks,” Steve said, frowning slightly, “I think.” He glanced at Erskine who smiled at him, and then waved in the direction of the two glasses on the trunk at the foot of the bed. As Steve took the glasses, pulling the top one out with his right hand, Erskine uncorked the schnapps and began to pour the liquid.

“Whatever happens tomorrow, you must promise me one thing.” Erskine said, corking the bottle one more and setting it down on the floor “That you will stay who you are.” Erskine took a glass off Steve and stared straight into his eyes, almost as if he was trying to drive the message home. “Not a perfect soldier, but a good-“ he pointed at Steve’s chest “- man.”

Steve took a deep breath, holding his glass up and he allowed that fleeting warmth of pride spread across his chest, just for a second, as he smiled. “To the little guys.”

“Ha ha!” Erskine agreed, chinking his glass against Steve’s but just as Steve was about to take a drink Erskine suddenly spluttered. “No! No! Wait! Wait! What I am doing?” He reached out, taking Steve’s glass off him “No! You have a procedure tomorrow. No fluids.”

Seriously?

Steve watched as Erskine poured the contents of Steve’s glass into his own and sighed a little, he’d been looking forward to that.

“All right. We’ll drink it after.” He shrugged.

“No! I don’t have procedure tomorrow.” Erskine gestured towards himself. “Drink it after? I drink it now.”

Steve gave a small smile as the doctor knocked back the clear liquid in the glass and was just about to speak to tease him a little about making sure he had a clear head for the morning, when there was another knock on the door. Steve’s head turned to look as Katie stepped inside the dorm, smiling.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you had company.” She looked at Erskine whose mouth curled up a little at one side in a knowing smirk.

“And that is my cue to leave.” He stood up. “I will see you in the morning, Steven.”

He squeezed Steve’s shoulder as he strode past, the bottle of schnapps in his hand as Katie moved to allow him through the doorway. He smiled once more before he shut the door behind him leaving the pair of them in the dim light of the bare sleeping room. Steve looked at Katie, inhaling deeply as even in the simple combat trousers and plain khaki t-shirt she was wearing she still looked effortlessly gorgeous. Her hair was pulled back off her face in a simple braid, and her skin was devoid of her usual make up, lips clear of their normal bright red paint. He realised with a slight swallow that this is what she’d look like at home, last thing at night and first thing in the morning…

He shifted a little on the side of his bed and watched as she walked over to take the spot Erskine had vacated.

“Are you supposed to be in here?” Steve finally spoke and she shrugged.

“Well, it probably wouldn’t be seen as appropriate if we were caught but…” She paused and gave a twitch of a smirk, “Steve, you’re gonna become a super soldier tomorrow, you can do what the hell you want!”

He inhaled a little sharply at her words as those inappropriate thoughts once more reared in his head and he felt his neck and cheeks grow warm.

“You’re adorable when you’re flustered.” She smiled.

“Thanks?” he shook his head before he glanced up at her. “So why are you here?”

“I wanted to see how you were.” She shrugged.

“Why?” he frowned.

“Why?” She looked at him, as if he’d just asked her the dumbest question on the planet. “Because I care about you Steve.”

“You care about me?” He repeated, the disbelief evident in his tone.

“Yeah.” She shrugged. “Of course I do.”

Steve watched her for a moment, and for the first time he caught a glimpse of something a little less composed under her normally cool and confident exterior. She was biting her lip, her teeth worrying at her plump bottom one as her right hand gently pulled at the knuckles of her left.

“You’re nervous.” He spoke suddenly and her eyes locked onto his, her throat bobbing as she swallowed. “What is it?”

“Nothing, just, well, this is a huge thing, Steve. A culmination of years of work from not just the SSR but Stark Industries, and Erskine.” She looked at him and shook her head, giving a little snort. “God I know that sounds pathetic compared to what you must be feeling.”

“Well, I’m a little twitchy, that’s fo’ sure, but I’m not scared scared, does that make sense?” He asked and she looked at him, a smile twisting on her lips.

“That’s because you’re ridiculously brave.”

“Or stupid.” He shrugged and she laughed, shaking her head.

“That’s one word I really wouldn’t use to describe you. I heard about the flag.”

“Yeah?” Steve chuckled a little and she grinned.

“Peggy said it was the best thing she’d ever seen. No one’s rendered Sergeant Duffy speechless before but he was pretty impressed that night at briefing.”

“It was just logic.” Steve flushed, rubbing at the back of his neck. “I’m pretty good at using my head. You haff’ to be when you’re as small and as weak as I am.”

“Don’t.” Katie shook her head.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t say that. You’re not weak.”

At that Steve gave a snort. “Come on Doll, physically I’m a wreck. That’s one of the reasons Erskine picked me.” no sooner had he spoke, he realised what he’d said and his eyes widen at the involuntary use of the pet term but Katie merely laughed, arching her brow.

“Doll?”

“Sorry Ma’am.” He winced “Just slipped out.”

“I’m flattered.” She chuckled, before giving a sigh. “But back to what you just said, about why Erskine picked you. It isn’t just because you’re physically weak. It’s because that serum amplifies everything about you Steve…”

“Yeah, good becomes great, bad becomes worse.” Steve repeated the words Erskine had spoken to him not five minutes ago.

“Exactly.” Katie looked at him. “Erskine could have chosen any one of the guys that were in here with you, but he didn’t. He saw something in you, something that none of the others had.” She bit her lip and grinned as she leaned back slightly on the bed. “You’re a lion disguised as a lamb, Rogers.” “Oh, jeez!” He snorted shaking his head as she laughed. “Now you sound like Bucky, that’s the kinda nonsense that jerk would come out with.”

At that Katie wrinkled her nose. “In that case I take it back.”

“Thank you, now I feel great.” Steve retorted sarcastically and she laughed loudly, snorting as she did so. Her eyes widened and she clamped her hand over her mouth as Steve chuckled at her very un-lady like manner, his head falling forward as his own laughs rang out around the barracks. Eventually, Katie managed to stop, wiping her eyes and she shook her head.

“Sometimes I think it’s a blessing my parents are no longer around. My mom especially would be horrified if they could see how uncouth I act at times.”

“I dunno.” He shrugged. “If you were my daughter I’d be pretty proud of how you turned out.”

Katie smiled shyly at his compliment. “Thanks Stevie. I’m sure yours would feel the same.”

He didn’t ask how she knew his parents were both dead, it was fairly obvious she would have read his file. Instead he simply smiled and looked down at his hands “I like to think so. Although I’m pretty sure if my ma was still around and knew what I was doing tomorrow she’d have a coupla’ things to say about it. And a few slaps ready for the back ‘o ma head!”

“Tell me about it.” Katie chuckled, “If my dad could see me here, right now. Man, he’d be apoplectic. ‘The army is no place for a woman’!” She mimicked a deep voice before she shook her head. “Mind you, not like I’ve never heard it before.” She took a deep breath and looked at him. “You’ve never commented on it though.”

Steve blinked and then shook his head, shrugging. “That’s not how my ma brought me up. She was a single parent for all my life, anything a man could do in the house she did just as well. Besides, I know what it’s like to be told no because of what or who you are.”

“Ironically, who I am kinda got me through the door.” Katie shrugged, and when Steve looked at her pondering what she meant, she continued. “I was already working for the CIA when Howie told me that Colonel Phillips had approached him about working for the SSR. Naturally I wanted in but of course there were grumbles about it because I was a female. But my brother put his foot-down, said we came as a team, so they relented. Plus, Peggy, or Agent Thirteen was she was then, was already in deep cover working for Schmidt as a maid in his personal mansion.” She licked he lips and shrugged. “Colonel Phillips convinced the CIA to send me undercover as Peggy’s friend, a go-between if you will meaning there was less risk of her cover being blown.” She paused and glanced at him as Steve simply watched, rapt with attention. “Over the next few months we obtained details of Schmidt’s plan, what he was intending to do with Erskine’s serum and we knew we couldn’t possibly let the Nazi’s perfect it. Since we rescued Erskine, he and Howard have been working on finishing the formula, building the necessary equipment to ensure that it works. And Peggy and I were given our reward which was permission to serve in the allied army as SSR Agents.”

“Permission?” Steve deadpanned and Katie snorted.

“Yup.”

“Interesting reward.”

“I’d have taken whatever chance they gave to me.” She shrugged. “It’s all I ever wanted to do.”

Steve looked at her, the similarities in their stories were striking even despite their different backgrounds. But he still didn’t get it. She was beautiful, could have married well, just like most gals of her status, and his confusion must have shown as she cocked her head to one side and studied him for a moment before she spoke again.

“Don’t you think I was right to do so?”

“No, I mean, yes I do. I guess I’m just curious as to why you’d wanna join the army if you’re a beautiful dame.”

At that both her eyebrows raised and he cursed himself. He’d managed most of this conversation so far not to put his foot in his mouth and now, wham, kicked himself straight in the teeth. “Or a beautiful… a woman.” He floundered for words “An agent, not a dame! You are beautiful, but…”

“Why do you get so nervous when you speak to me?” Katie asked and Steve shook his head, giving a little huff as she called him out, groaning a little.

“Because up until the point I met you I think the longest conversation I ever had with a woman would have been with Mrs Barnes or Mrs Tomley.” he looked up at her, before he glanced back down at his hands. “Women aren’t exactly lining up to dance with a guy they might step on.”

“You must have danced?” Katie frowned, and she seemed genuinely surprised at what he was admitting.

“Well, asking a woman to dance always seems so terrifying.” Steve shrugged “And the past few years just didn’t seem to matter that much. Figured I’d wait.”

“For what?”

“The right partner.” He said, his eyes still focussed on his hands. He could feel Katie looking at him and eventually he raised his eyes to see her smiling softly at him.

“Well, I think all the girls in Brooklyn are dumbasses for not noticing you.”  With her words she stood up and crossed to the bed he was sat on, taking a spot besides him. Steve swallowed, his entire body going rigid at the fact she was so close to him and she turned her face to look into his eyes. “You’re sweet”

He chuckled “You know I hear that a lot…you’re really sweet and all but…“

“Like I said,” she bumped her shoulder against his slightly, “dumbasses”

Steve looked at her before he felt his cheeks once more growing warm and he looked away, hastily, focussing on nothing in particular as her words echoed around his head. He didn’t know how to respond to praise, not in the sense in which she was giving it to him anyway.

“But seriously, why does me complimenting you make you so awkward, Steve?” She asked, and despite himself Steve’s head shot up to look at her once more, his mouth falling open at the fact that she’d unwittingly just read his mind.

He took a deep breath. “I guess I’m not used to it, that’s all.”

“I’m sorry if it makes you feel awkward.” She bit her bottom lip and looked down at her hands for a moment before she glanced back at him, her features soft, eyes alive in the dim light. “But I just, well, I like you Steve,” she whispered, “I mean, really like you.”

Steve felt his mouth go dry as her eyes flicked down to his lips, the same way they had at the Expo and he swallowed, the lump thick in his throat.

“I err, I…” He took a deep breath, the palms of his hands feeling clammy, those green emeralds sparkling as he looked at her, his mind willing him to summon the courage to say what he wanted to. And before he could chicken out, he blurted the words. “I like you too.”

Her cheeks flushed pink and she gently moved towards him, closing the already small distance between them as Steve reached up, with a shaky right hand, his actions completely instinctual. He gently cupped her cheek as his lips found hers and he kissed her, tentatively at first before soon the kiss was as deep as it had been at the Expo. His spare hand balled into a fist by his side as he was unsure exactly what to do with it until he felt Katie’s fingers gently work his away from his palm and she pulled his left arm towards her. Following her lead, he tentatively pressed his palm onto her hip as she shifted her weight slightly, wrapping her arms round his neck. She pulled him closer, the kiss growing deeper and Steve couldn’t help the soft little whimper that rolled in his throat.

As the involuntary noise filed the air between them he felt Katie’s lips smile against his and then, he was pitching forward as she fell slowly backwards, pulling him down with her as she sank onto the bunk. The movement came as surprise but he didn’t resist. With a shaky breath he paused for a moment, realising he had absolutely no idea what to do next other than run with it. So, after a second or so more deliberation, he went once more with his gut and crawled over her, resting his weight on his palms which he placed either side of her head before he dropped his face to hers and kissed her again. Her lips felt so soft against his, something he wasn’t sure he’d taken the time to appreciate before, or maybe it was all simply heightened by the fact he was lay over her, he had no idea. But what he did know was that when Katie placed both hands on his face, the pads of her finger tips cupping his jaw, it sent a jolt of electricity tingling all the way down his spine. She was the one to break away this time, breathing deeply as her head rest on his hard, army issued pillow, her eyes bouncing across both of his.

“You okay?” She asked and Steve nodded.

“Yeah, I err…” He swallowed and gave a little huff of shy laughter as he hung his head a little, peeking up a her shyly “I don’t know what I’m doing, or even if we should be doing it at all.”

“What do you mean if we should be doing it at all?”

“Well, we’re not…” He licked his lips “I mean, I should be taking you out, on a date or…well, at least doing things properly, not just…”

“Steve, we’re in the middle of a damned war.” Katie looked at him, cutting his protests off dead. “Every day could be your last, to hell with rules and being prim and proper.”

Steve had to concede she had a point, and as he looked into her eyes he could feel that last thread of his self-control starting to fray. Every inch of his body was on fire for her, he wanted nothing more than to kiss her stupid and feel her underneath him.

“Don’t over think it.” She muttered, her lips ghosting over his. “Just run with it.”

So he did. He kissed her hard, dropping to his elbows and pressing a little more of his weight on top of her, totally lost in her warmth and softness. He let out another soft sigh as he felt her shift underneath him and pulled away, turning his head so that his lips were inches from her neck as he recalled a part of a film he’d seen. He glanced up at her as she watched him, her pupils blown with a combination of lust and anticipation.

“Can I kiss you here?” He whispered softly.

“God, yes.” Katie sighed and he obliged, pressing his mouth to her neck. As he did so, his arms and hands moved downwards slowly, his fingers timidly resting on her hips as they gave a little jerk of their own accord, pushing up against him as she groaned slightly at the contact.  Steve pulled back to stare at her again, her noise shocking him slightly, not sure what to do next but Katie wordlessly answered his silent question by tilting her hips up again, and this time it was him who moaned.

“Katie, I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this or do anything-”

“It’s okay,” she said, her voice low and slightly breathy as she looked at him, her eyes, locking onto his. She pushed her head upwards, mouth seeking his out as her hands slid under his t- shirt. He twitched under her touch as the sensation of her gently dragging her nails across his flat, soft stomach sent a spike of desire, like a red hot poker through his entire body. Katie grasped the bottom of his T-shirt and he hesitated, not sure if he really wanted her to see him topless, but she gave an impatient yank, taking the decision away from him and he held his arms up so she could remove it. Once he was free he glanced down to see Katie looking at his chest. He swallowed, as her eyes roved his various pox marks and scars and shivered as she let her hands wander, tracing a path down towards the top of his khaki pants. Her eyes met his and she sat up slightly pushing him back a little to allow herself enough room to reach down and pull her own T-shirt over her head.

Steve’s mouth was dry again as he glanced down at her chest, her hair falling around her shoulders, breasts spilling over the tops of the simple, black balcony cups of her bra and his groin twitched, the crotch of his pants now painfully tight.

“You’re beautiful…” he whispered gently, and then he kissed her again. Her fingers gently took his hands and she guided them onto her, sliding them up her rib cage to her chest and he froze as he found himself once more unsure of his next move. Swallowing hard against the lump that felt like it was obstructing his entire throat he began to gently squeeze and knead the soft flesh and black lace, before he stopped again to consider his next move.

“It’s okay,” she encouraged and with a nod, his hands slid into the cups, teasing her taught nipples with his thumbs, acting completely on instinct, listening and watching her as she groaned gently, arching her back, her reaction telling him he was doing something right as all the time his groin automatically bumped against hers. Katie buried her fingers in his hair, pulling hard, forcing his head back sharply and as she tugged he let out another low growl. When she let go he stared down at her to see her smirking, her pupils blown so wide there was hardly any green left.

“Don’t stop,” her hands moved down to grab at his lower back, pulling him back against her as she moved her knees, bending them so that his pelvis was flush with her, his cock hard through the thin fabric of his trousers. Taking her lead, Steve ground against her again, and again, and as he continued his movements, he became aware that the rhythm of his hips was becoming more frantic and their kisses were growing more desperate.

“More,” Katie moaned into his mouth, and with movements that were completely and utterly automatic he gave her what she wanted, moving his hips even faster, rubbing against her in ways that had her clutching at his back like her life depended on it. Steve had never felt anything like this in his life. It was so good, so right, in a way nothing had ever felt so right before. It should have been wrong, rutting up against someone fully clothed, but God, his head was a whirl of lust, desire, and he didn’t give a fuck about anything else at that moment other than her as she lay underneath him

As he pressed up against her, the tightening across his lower stomach that he’d only felt before when bringing himself off warned him he was fast approaching his release. He let out another groan as he felt his movements beginning to lose rhythm and he moved his lips to her neck, pressing a kiss to her skin. Katie moaned brokenly and his mouth continued pressing kisses to the spot on her neck which seemed to drive her wild. She tipped her head back as he gently nipped beneath her ear with his teeth and a few more sloppy grinds against her she was done, fingers wrapped around his hair, her, hips bucking upwards, almost violently. Her voice was broken as she gasped out “Stevie…”and it was the single most beautiful sound he’d ever heard in his life as it tumbled from her lips. Seeing and feeling her fall apart in his arms sent him over the edge right behind her in a pure surge of ecstasy, his head dropping  to the crook of her shoulder and she gently ran her fingers through his hair.

There was no noise bar the sound of the crickets drifting in from the outside as they both lay, breathing deeply as they waited to regain control of their bodies, a light sheen of sweat beaded across Steve’s brow, wisps of his hair sticking to his skin. Finally mustering enough strength to move, he raised his head to look at her, to find her smiling as she pushed her head up, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

“Wow,” she breathed and Steve let out a soft huff of laughter as he sat up to allow her the space to do the same, “you got game Soldier, I’ll give you that.”

Steve snorted and shook his head as he passed retrieved her t-shirt from the floor and passed it to her. “I’ve never done anything like that before.” He shrugged “I erm…”

“Let you into a secret.” She said gently, pulling her top over her head, flicking her hair back as she looked at him, her cheeks flushed with exertion. “Neither have I. Well, not to that extent anyway.”

“What?” Steve frowned “You’ve never…”

“You expecting me to be some kind of wild harlot or sumthin’ Stevie?” She teased as she stood up, Steve scrambling to his feet mimicking her.

“No I just, pretty girl like you, I thought…”

“What was it you said about waiting for the right partner?” She asked before she gently kissed him again. When she pulled away, her nose bumped his slightly and she pressed her forehead to his. “I best go. I don’t wanna but…” she glanced at the window and looked back at him. “I’ll see you tomorrow at the lab.”

“Sure.” Steve followed her a little before she stopped in the doorway and turned to smile at him once more.

“Whatever happens I want you to know that you’re already one of the bravest men I’ve ever met.” She took a deep breath. “You suddenly becoming all big and strong and…well, whatever, won’t change the fact that you already had the heart of a hero, certainly in my eyes anyway.”

And Steve could do nothing but smile as she left the room, closing the door behind her.

**** Chapter 3

#Stark spangled rebirth #steve rogers #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers fic #steve rogers x ofc #steve rogers x original female character #katie stark #captain america #captain america fanfiction #mcu #mcu fanfic #chris evans #chris evans characters