#it's nearly 4am i started this drawing at like 2

[stitched-mouth-vs-the-world]

In The Dark Of The Night

Pairing: Valak  / The Nun x Fem! Nun! Reader.

Summary: After arriving and joining the Covent you so didn't wish to join, Valak takes a liking to you.

Warnings: Smut, Oral sex (fem receiving), Tongue fucking, Fingering, Intercourse (P in V), Masturbation, Voyeurism, Unprotected sex, Overstimulation. Mention of reader possibly catching an STI from Valak and his ashy lips. Reader smokes weed.

Writing Time: 3 hours.

Word Count: 2251.

Format: Kinktober Fic, Day 6.

A/N:

Had a ball figuring this shit out. Started writing this at 1am, it's now nearly 4am and I have to be up in 2 hours 😁🔫 Think about that when the reader is crying about not getting enough sleep. I love this fic but I think Valak is very OOC, this is my first time writing him so hopefully I'll get better at it. Valak is referred to as 'The Nun' and with they/them pronouns (until they whip out their dick 😁) since I was semi writing fron the reader's perspective and they have no idea what Valak's name is or what they identify as. But I do write Valak as male, so they are male here it's just doesn't know until near the end.I'm tired so I didn't research Nuns and Covents before writing this, which I probably should of done but who cares since the movies do a poor job of explaining them? I'm sure y'all only came for the smut. I'll fix it when if I feel like it. Valak has ashy lips cause I said so.

Here is the masterlist for all my Kinktober 2023 works.

---///---

Something felt off, to say the least. You felt more uneasy in this new unfamiliar place than any other place.

When your father announced you'd be attending this new place, you were furious. Well, furious and heartbroken. He had written you off to become a nun because it was the easiest way to send you away. And all for wait? Because you had recently been having issues with your mental health and he couldn't deal with it? Or did he need you needed Jesus?

Either way, you started hating him on the drive here. And once you stepped foot in this place and felt the almost sicken bad vibes.

The teachers had been just as you expected. Strict, never smiling and so obviously loved having power over others. Others being the new not yet devoted Nuns or freshly devoted Nuns.

You was gonna hate it here.

You had met your new sisters and to be honest, none of them mattered to you. You weren't in any kind of mood to make friends, but you hoped that would change. You didn't want to be alone here.

The only Sister that seemed like friend material was Sister Irene. She had that kind and friendly spirit that you thought all Nuns should have.

But seriously, something wasn't right around here. You couldn't place your finger on it and honestly, you hoped you never could.

—-///—-

You tried to get comfortable in your new bed, but it seemed impossible. Like the Devil was purposely making the springs press into your back and then laughing at your discomfort.

You huffed as you gave up and got out of bed. You grabbed your carefully stashed away blunts and lighter and headed for your window. Unlocking the old window proved to be a little bit of a challenge but you managed.

You started at the sky as you smoked, the affect of the weed slowly crawled into you and eased you. You leaned against the wall of the window and slowly looked around your room. The atmosphere suddenly changed back to uneasy and even more so.

Something...or maybe someone caught your eye. You had spotted a figure in your room, in front of your bedroom door. It was so dark, you couldn't make out any features. Just the outline of a body.

It freaked you out to say the least and you knew you wasn't that high so this was real. It had to one of your Sisters right? Here to snitch on you for smoking a joint...right?

"If you're here to catch me up to something, well, you caught me. So what are you waiting for now? Go ahead and snitch." You called out.

No response. You were quiet for a few seconds, just staring at the figure. You then sighed a bit before drawing another drag and offering it up to the mysterious figure.

"Or do you want some?"

The figure suddenly disappeared and you couldn't see where it went. You stood up properly in fear and looked around again, you saw nothing. The room looked completely normal even in the dark but certainly didn't feel normal.

You nervously put out the blunt and crawling back into bed. You told yourself it had to have been the pot, even if you didn't feel that high it must of been that. Maybe your dealer gave you something different this time, some pot laced with something. God you hope it was just that. It has to be just a bad trip.

Fortunately, you managed to fall asleep fairly quickly after that. Bud seemed to be just what you needed to fall asleep. You would get you was asleep for maybe a little over an hour before you stirred awake.

Wonderful, awake again, and it only just turned 1am and you were gonna be woken up at 6am. Delicious, this is gonna be a night full of broken up sleep. You looked up to face the ceiling and hopefully fall asleep again, just get those much needed extra hours.

But you couldn't. And you didn't feel like smoking again, so you did the next best thing. Placed both feet against the bed with your knees bent and pushed a hand past your underwear. You carefully fingered yourselves with two fingers. As your pleasure built up, you closed your eyes and focused simply on your own pleasure. A few moaned slipped out of your mouth and when you felt although you was ready, you added another finger.

You lost yourself in your pleasure and smiled as you neared yourself closer to the edge. It didn't take too long, considering how sleepy you already was. But right as you felt your orgasm building, you opened you eyes. And boy did you regret it.

When you opened your eyes, your attention quickly went to the foot of your bed where another figure appeared. And this time, you could see their features. It was Nun, with a terrifying face say the least. You knew it wasn't another Sister because of their lovely face which was smirking down at you, giving you a lovely view of their sharp fangs. Their eyes glowing a piercing yellow.

'Hell no, not today Satan. Please no.' Is what you thought as you, now fully wide awake, threw your covers off, ripped all fingers out of your pussy and made a beeline for the door. You were stopped by a force that only could of been supernatural and air yeeted back onto your bed. You screamed as loud as you could and the creepy looking Nun inched closer and closer to you.

"Oh Baby, don't scream. Don't cry." The Nun pouted down at you and touched your right cheek.

Obviously, you screamed even louder. The Nun's soft expression disappeared almost as soon as it came and they clamped a hand down across your mouth and squeezed.

"Shut up, now." It's tone now gruff and aggressive.

You looked up at them in fear whilst noticing some strange beauty in their face and soon started crying, "Please don't hurt me."

"Oh Dear," Their soft tone suddenly back, "I'm not here to hurt you... I just wanted to help."

"H-Help?" You whispered.

The Nun gave you a smile and headed down south. You thought the smile was supposed to be comforting but it felt so evil and unsettling, it had the opposite the affect. You felt your heart beat faster in fear, the way your heart starts beating when your about to have a panic attack. It definitely didn't help that you still couldn't move and was completely immobilised by this supernatural force.

The Nun pulled your panties down to your knees, not bothering pulling them down all the way and quickly got to work. Their tongue was... something you had experienced before.

It was wet, messy and far too big to be normal. It was driving you insane. If you had to guess from just the feeling, this monster's tongue was almost the same size as the average dick. It quickly turned you into a moaning mess. Your cries became cries of pleasure and you orgasmed almost immediately. Either you was still worked up from fingering yourself, which was unlikely considering the brief heart attack you just had, or this Nun was unstoppable with their tongue.

The Nun gave you two more orgasms with their tongue before coming up. They looked down at you and smirked again. You could see now, their black lips and tongue were black from ash. It was all over their mouth and chin and you was now consumed with worry, hopefully now of that ash got caught in your pussy. Which STI would you get from that?

You hadn't noticed but the Nun had started pulling up their skirt and pulling at something underneath it. Out sprang the biggest dick you had ever seen.

Nope, that wasn't normal, if you saw that monster on any human man you'd tell them to see a Doctor. Cause 12.5 inches (you're estimating based on looks) is not normal. The Nun grinned and stared down at your terrified face as he pumped himself.

You looked up at him, "That's not going inside me."

"Yes it is." He stated matter of factly still smiling at you.

"It will kill me." You responded with a glare.

Whilst you was still a little iffy about the penis size, your fear was starting to melt away and you was no longer afraid to talk to this creature. It could be the dizziness from the multiple orgasms you just had but this was starting to feel like a normal not scary sexual encounter.

"I'll make it work." The Nun shrugged.

"Ok, but I need to know your name first." You told him.

The demon was silent for a few seconds, "I don't usually give my name... but I suppose you will need something to scream so. It's Valak."

Valak thrusted into you immediately after that, not giving you much time to adjust. You screamed in pain but Valak placed a hand over your mouth again and tsked at your vocals, as if you was the problem. He then pulled off your panties completely and shoved them in your mouth without warning, you choked a little and Valak moaned at the sound.

Fortunately Valak hadn't pushed all of himself inside of you, only the first few inches (which is still a whole dick, Valak, but ok) and didn't go any further than that. He moved in and out at normal pace, not seeming to care at all about your cervix which he was currently beating up with his monster cock.

But despite all the complaints, you was starting to love it. Once you had adjusted, you was moaning and crying again. Tears ruining your vision and making Valak more aroused therefore making him move faster.

He groaned as he fucked up and glared down at you, completely focused on your face. Deciding this wasn't enough, he bent your legs back as far as they could go, up to your head and leaving you in a mating press. This gave him more opportunity to add a couple more inches without hurting you as much.

You cried, screamed and whined as the creature defiled you. You felt filthy, absolutely disgusting. But also alive. Something you hadn't felt before. You were squirming and whimpered from a dick too big for your little pussy to comprehend and you loved it. It was now you realised there was no chance you could married to God, you was enjoying such a lewd act, letting a demon fuck you dumb, way too much.

"Please! More!" You whined against your panties.

Valak heard you loud and clear and pressed a thumb on your clit. He would of preferred to sink his whole dick into you but knew it would be too much.

He then leaned down and spat on your mouth. Most of it was immediately soaked up by your panties, which irritated the shapeshifter. So he pulled your panties out of your mouth and spat again.

"Swallow whore." He hissed at you.

You eagerly did as you was told, hoping there would be a reward. And there was, the demon grinned down at you again when he saw you followed orders well, and then shoved his whole tongue in your mouth.

He tasted just as you expected, like ash and death.

As you noticed before when he was eating you out, his tongue was not normal either. It was way too big and long, just like his dick. It filled up your mouth and made you choke slightly. But soon like before, once you adjusted to the size, you was moaning like a slut again.

You came again, you didn't know which number this one but it was definitely better than the last. But you were feeling drained now, overstimulated. You had no idea when Valak would cum though and it made you nervous, surely he would stop once he came you thought. But then, when would he cum? A demon's limit must be far greater than a human's.

And you was right, Valak could fuck for hours without cumming. And that's what he planned to do. He wanted to know what you looked like, excessively overstimulated.

You really wished you hadn't found out what made this place so off.

#stitched #stitched mouth #stitched talks #stitched’s kinktober #kinktober #kinktober 2023 #stitched writes #the nun #the nun ii #the nun x reader #the nun smut #valak x reader #valak #valak the nun #valak smut

[ghostmoswell]

These are the rules of my house. My father found them in a butter container when we first moved in, and three years later we are all still following them.

important context: I live in the summerhouse of my family home, it is essentially my bedroom, I love every second of it.

1. Never leave the house after midnight, if you must, do not make a sound, especially no singing, music, humming, jingling of keys, or talking.

2. Never forget to lock up. The shed may be open, shut it, and don't look inside.

3. Lights will flicker when you turn them off, do not leave the room until the flickering has stopped.

4. If you see a person in the corner of your eye, look at it directly in the eyes, and wait until it disappears.

5. If you see a man hanging in the living room, leave, shut the door, lock up, and go for a walk. He should be gone when you get back.

6. Never leave a candle burning, not even for a second while you use the bathroom. If it can burn, it will.

7. When you get halfway up the garden, look at the moon, if it's full or waxing, you're safe, anything else, refer to rule 8.

8. If anything goes wrong, run to the summerhouse, lock the door (without jingling the keys, they hate that noise), and close all blinds, put a film on, and watch its entirety.

9. Fall asleep with a video on, it will be switched off at the plug by morning, ignore this, that means you pleased them.

10. The fridge is never to be turned on nor opened, either will attract them. Refer to rule 8, if you can.

11. If there is a light on in the house, go inside and turn it off, refer to rule 3.

12. You will need to drink during the night, your throat will be scratchy and dry, only carbonated beverages are to be drank after 12.

13. Any open containers will become dangerous after 11pm, ensure all lids are firmly screwed on.

14. Moths and spiders will appear around 1am, catch and release every single one, do not fall asleep until you do this.

15. Take the pills with your name on it, make sure your name is spelt correctly, if it is not, throw them over your left shoulder.

16. You may see graffiti on the sides of the house, the hooded figure drawing it is not friendly, and it must not see you under any circumstance. If it does, climb underneath the storage unit and close your eyes, if you're lucky, it won't remember where you were.

17. If you wake up between 2-4am, do not open your eyes. Do not open your eyes. If you fell asleep with a nightmask on, do not trust it.

18. If you feel nauseous, light a candle, if it goes out on its own, go back to sleep.

19. If the bin is full, start a new one. If the place is not clean it will attract them.

20. Do not eat anything in this room, it will taste like mold, and it will make you bedridden for upwards of a week, rendering you unable to complete these rules.

21. There have been 3 suicides, 2 murders and 5 deaths in this house, and the previous tenants do not recall ever living here. Document all rules and all sightings, and pray the next tenants listen.

A few months ago, I made a mistake. I broke rule 17. I always set an alarm for 7am, to make sure that I don't open my eyes before then, but this fateful night I had convinced myself that I simply snoozed my alarm and I opened my eyes.

My breath quickly became shallow and labored, I couldn't breathe, I remember thinking that this is the end, I screwed up, I broke a rule, this is it. My eyes adjusted to the darkness to find a bucket on my chest. It was filling with an off-green colored fluid, dripping in from somewhere. The dripping slowed nearly to a stop, and my eyes adjusted to a semi-normal level of vision.

I glance up at the ceiling, and my eyes become glued to the creature. A mass of dead flies, moths, and spiders. The ooze dripping from its protruding hipbone, directly into the bucket. It crudely resembles a young child, with no facial features, but what appears to be a complete skeleton.

I blink hard, hoping that this was just another one of those figures you can stare at until they disappear. It was not. It lunged at me and picked up its bucket. I could finally breathe. It picks up an amount of the sludge, and applies it like a moisturizer on its body, regenerating the areas where its skeleton was on show. It's legs were stuck to the ceiling, its upper body hanging upside down from the ceiling. I needed to get rid of it. It was toying with me, and has regenerative abilities.

There was no way I could possibly outsmart it. I shut my eyes as tightly as possible as it replaced its bucket on my chest, and I hear that nauseating dripping noise again. As my chest grows heavier I somehow fall asleep.

I'm not religious, but the day after I thanked every God I could think of. I had woken up, and I was seemingly unharmed, other than a cracked rib. I told my parents and they smiled, "They must like you" my dad said, nonchalantly. I didn't feel lucky, I didn't feel much at all. Of course I was grateful, anyone would be, but why didn't they kill me? Why did they choose to save me? Am I more valuable alive to them? I don't think I'll ever find out. I'm hoping to move out soon.

The previous tenants have been sectioned under the mental health act recently, apparently suffering from paranoia, they sent us a cease and desist order after we asked them how long they lived here. According to the landlord's bank, all of their checks never existed, there is no evidence they ever were here, even though they left family photos in a box in the attic, and the landlord still has the money. My parents act like this is normal, they don't seem concerned at all. My brother seems unbothered. There's something off with them. I hope my summerhouse keeps me sane,

edit: This next part was written in the original post, apparently by me, a commenter alerted me to it, so big kudos to them, but what the hell?

but I can't help but feel this is the only good way to live. Maybe I should join them in the house. Maybe you should join us too. The house knows best. They know best.

#horror #horror story #reddit #no sleep #nosleep podcast #r/nosleep #scary #scary story #creepy #creepy story

[motleyfam]

I posted 2,267 times in 2022

36 posts created (2%)

2,231 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@desperatecheesecubes

@mooitstimdrake

@batshit-birds

@sohotthateveryonedied

@sun-moon-stars-jedi

I tagged 454 of my posts in 2022

#the batman - 25 posts

#fave - 18 posts

#batfam - 9 posts

#atla - 9 posts

#bruce wayne - 8 posts

#dick grayson - 7 posts

#damian wayne - 6 posts

#this sparks joy - 6 posts

#amen - 6 posts

#tim drake - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#thinking of that ‘superman wrecking a whole ass train to save a child on the tracks who he could have just swooped away from danger’ post

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

hey! so its 4am and ive just finished my, um... fifth(?) reread of world's saddest breakfast club and like! aaahhhh!!!

do u got abything to tell us abt this story? like sbt the writing proccess or things u thought that did not make it in or hc or anything really. i dont have a question exactly, just wanted to hear you talk about it. im a bit. well. obssesed.

Oooh cool question! I definitely do!

World's Saddest Breakfast Club: Fun Facts

The opening line is a result of me angsting to @batmoniker about how I couldn't figure out how to start my fic, and her jokingly being like "I got you, bro. Ready? 'It was a dark and stormy night'" and then me just being stubborn and committing to the bit.

The story started with a vague idea of "everyone in the kitchen at 3am for different reasons and Jason channeling his inner short order cook." All I knew going in was the order I wanted people to appear, what was wrong with them (sick, hurt, insomnia, etc) and what food Jason would be making for them. Everything else I made up as I went.

If I could go back and change one thing about this fic, I'd reduce how long Jason was kidnapped to like, 6-8 days, max. 16 days seemed funny when I wrote it, but in hindsight, I feel like he'd be a little more fucked up in the story if he were really escaping from that many days of captivity lmao

I headcanon Dick as the kind of person who straight-up forgets to eat when he's preoccupied, and Jason as the kind of person who cannot FATHOM this concept. Jason absolutely will miss a meal if the situation calls for it, don't get me wrong, but he's aware the entire time he's doing it and it makes him super antsy. (This once turned into A Thing™ when Jason was like, 13 years old and staying with Dick for the weekend for some brotherly bonding and Dick forgot about lunch and by 5pm, Jason maybe sorta kinda had a minor panic attack about it. Dick was a lot more mindful of that moving forward)

Bruce's favorite food being lobster thermidor is a reference to the Lego Batman movie

I wrote this whole fic with Julia Child's recipe pulled up in one tab and my google doc in the other

At some point I realized that since I started with fresh lobsters, I was going to have to write Jason killing them, and it derailed me so hard that the fic nearly became about meatloaf instead. (Never mind the fact that Jason canonically kills human beings — that's totally fine. I just draw the line at him killing lobsters 😰)

(in the end I just kinda glossed over it and made sure they were already cooked before Damian appeared so I wouldn't have to address it 😬)

Dick's reoccurring shoulder injury is a reference to the DCAU where I swear that man has dislocated his shoulder/injured his arm at least 4x

The line about Tim being allergic/throwing up when he eats eggs was inspired by a line in chap 11 of @goldkirk's fic Hymn, which I've reread about 37x

Jason is correct— grits are fucking delicious and definitely not baby food.

My favorite line is "Okay there’s self-sacrificial bullshit, and then there’s whatever the fresh hell that is."

The idea for Cass being a big meat-eater comes from a comic panel where Steph offers her a plate of rice and beans and Cass says needs meat and starts mischievously eying Steph's hamster. Can't find the panel to save my life, but I promise it's out there.

EDIT: finally found it!

Steph's nickname of "Zombie Boy" for Jason is borrowed from @audreycritter's Cor Et Cerebrum series (which is a fucking masterpiece, btw)

This fic was gonna be called "Creatures of the Night" until batmoniker said Steph's line made for a better title

Several people have asked me whether Jason was really cooking Bruce's lobster to spite him, or if he was actually intending to make it for him all along. The answer is... both? Like Jason's kind of an unreliable narrator in that he's trying to convince himself that he's just doing what he's doing to be a little shithead when deep down it's all stemming from his need to take care of his family, you know? Like he'll never admit it, but that's where his heart is at.

To everyone who's asked for a part 2 where the family finds out Jason was kidnapped, I'm gonna be honest: the main reason I don't think I'm ever going to write that scene is because I can't come up with a good enough joke for him to make to accidentally out himself ☠️

90 notes - Posted September 18, 2022

#4

Imagine Bruce starting therapy and learning about all these cool new tricks and gadgets that can help with emotional regulation and getting super invested (because I mean, c’mon, the dude’s like the king of gadget hoarding, he’s got a utility belt for goodness sake)

Then imagine the learning curve of him realizing that just because something works great for one of his kids, doesn’t mean it works for all of them, as illustrated by this memorable incident:

Jason gets really upset and starts having a minor panic attack about something

Bruce, proud owner of 14 new weighted blankets (in various styles, weights, and sizes), tries to wrap his adult son up in one to ground him

After all, Bruce himself finds them super comforting because it’s basically a socially acceptable alternative to wearing a massive Kevlar cape 24/7 like he’d do if he could

(Tim loves them too, so like, kid tested, parent approved™️)

Ends up totally backfiring when the added weight & restricted movement sends Jason into a full-blown flashback of digging out of his own grave, taking this panic attack from like a 4 to a 10

Whoops

130 notes - Posted December 6, 2022

#3

Sometimes I get really hung up on trying to make all the logistics and time frame work out in my fanfics

Then I see how the professionals handle this dilemma:

211 notes - Posted March 12, 2022

#2

I have a headcanon that Dick doesn’t actually like cereal nearly as much as he pretends to.

He just knew that Bruce felt bad about his own cooking ineptitude in the early days after taking his new ward in, so whenever Alfred had the night off, the 9-year-old insisted cereal was his ‘favorite food on the planet’ because it was something that Bruce could actually handle preparing for him without setting off the smoke alarms and it made him happy to do it

372 notes - Posted April 9, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Tim hardly ever wears seatbelts.

It’s not a conscious choice at this point really, he just never got into the habit. When he outgrew his last car seat at age five, his parents didn’t bother getting him a booster and just let him sit in the normal seat, so the belt always felt like it was cutting into his neck and he hated it. He put up a big fuss about it once on the way to some important event, and his parents just huffed, “Fine, don’t wear it then. Fly out the window for all I care” and that was that. They never forced him again.

He just so rarely has to wear one that it slips his mind. Buses don’t have seatbelts. Motorcycles don’t have seatbelts. The Batmobile has them, but they’re rarely used due to the necessity for split-second drop ins and getaways.

It’s not until he’s 17 and driving with Jason somewhere that he finally gets called out on it. Not only called out, but told in a no nonsense sort of way “This car ain’t moving till I hear a fucking click. What, did they stop showing ‘Red Asphalt’ in drivers ed while I was dead??”

(They do still show it. Tim just slept through that class)

557 notes - Posted November 7, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #Okay apparently I need to work on my tagging skills lmao

[milf-harrington]

#who's he looking at? that's up to you <3 #cherry blossom sk8 #sk8 #sk8 the infinity #sakurayashiki kaoru #sk8 fanart #sk8 the infinity fanart #sakurayashiki fanart #cherry blossom fanart #my art #no id #y'all dont know how fucking long it took me to get his face right #it's nearly 4am i started this drawing at like 2

[mercieshana]

What’s up, doc?

Teaser: Visiting your gynecologist suddenly turns sexual?!

Characters: You x Jungkook 

Warning: Doctor Jeon!!!! This contains just a bit of daddy kink, some fingering + oral and lots of imagination. This here is all about (Y/N)’s pleasure.

Word count: ~1.8k 

Note: If you want a pt.2 just let me know. My request box is open for a bunch of requests (Corona has given me time)!! It’s boutta be 4am, but i just whipped this up real quick, so excuse my typos! It has been a while since i last uploaded and i apologize! I am in desperate need of inspiration so hmu if you have a story idea!! Much love, enjoy and stay safe!! 

Read pt.2 here

Visits to the gynecologist were usually very unpleasant. I mean how would you feel having to sit on this weird and humiliating chair and spread your legs embarrassingly far apart to have your genitals inspected? Yeah, not great! Just the thought of having to visit the gynecologist always had you feeling uneasy and self-conscious. This time the visit was different though, as there was a young and attractive doctor that greeted you at the door, as you walked in to your appointment.

“Umm, is Mr. Kim not here?” you asked, looking around the white, sanitary doctor’s office for your usual doctor.

“Hi, you must be (Y/N)! Mr. Kim had something urgent to attend to, so he is not here at the moment. I’m filling in for him,” he explained, nervously running his large hand through his dark, shiny, and healthy-looking locks.

“O-oh, okay,” you replied nervously with your heart pounding in your chest.

“Oh! I forgot to introduce myself! I’m Jeon Jungkook! Feel free to just call me Jungkook,” he shot you a smile, showing off his pearly white teeth, as he extended his right hand.

“N-nice to meet you Jungkook,” you shook his hand and realized how tiny your palm was compared to his.

“Let’s sit down in the office for a moment, so I can get to know you a bit before the checkup. I wouldn’t want you to be too uncomfortable,” the corner of his mouth turned up as he opened the door, so you could enter the office before him. The office was quite spacious and neat. White and grey were the two most dominant colors and there was a white door that lead to the inspection room which you had already been familiar with. He kindly pulled out the chair for you, allowing you to sit down with ease, while taking his own seat behind the desk.

“Alright, (Y/N)...Ah, it’s okay if I call you that isn’t it?” he asked, making sure it was alright for him to call you by your first name, even if it was already a little late for that.

“Yeah, sure,” you smiled cordially, but also nervously.

“So how’s everything?” he questioned, clicking around the computer screen with his mouse.

“Everything has been fine. I’m just here for a routine checkup,” you stated, your hands resting between your thighs. Somehow it was really hot down there and Jungkook in his sexy white coat wasn’t helping.

“Alright,” you saw his head appear from behind the monitor, “So I’m guessing you have a boyfriend. Are you on birth control?”

You chuckled. Was this his way of seeing if you had a boyfriend or was it just that he was trying to make you more comfortable before checking out your body? Well, whatever it was you found it amusing.

“Yes to the birth control,” you laughed, “and no to the boyfriend. That position is still vacant. Why? Are you interested?”

Your witty comeback surprised not only him, but also you, because your checks turned a rosy red after those few words slipped past your lips.

“Maybe,” his low voice rumbled through the room. You could feel your heart beat in your throat. His reply was so unexpected and it had you biting down on your bottom lip.

“So, (Y/N), I am assuming you are familiar with how the checkups work? I see here that you are still rather young and I just want to make sure,” he said with care.

“Yes, Jungkook,” you paused, making sure to look into his eyes, igniting some kind of fire between the two of you, “I do.”

“Okay then,” he smirked, “If you would be so kind as to follow me to the inspection room then.”

He got up and made his way towards the white door. He was tall and muscular and you could also tell he was quite cocky and full of himself, but that sort of turned you on. Jungkook watched you anxiously get up and walk into the other room, your sudden burst of courage completely disappearing as he closed the door behind you.

“(Y/N), please undress right over there and then come sit on the chair,” he pointed the corner that had a curtain hiding it, before sitting down in his chair at the other end of the room.

You entered the space and closed the curtain behind you with your heart beating like crazy. Would he notice that you were wet and he was turning you on?! Of course he would! How were you going to explain this?! Hey doc, you’re so hot I wanna sit on your face?! Fuck, (Y/N)! Fuck, fuck, fuck! 

Suddenly, the red curtain opened and there he was, standing there in all his glory with a concerned look on his face.

“Are you alright? You must not have heard me calling you,” he explained as you gave him an anxious vibe.

You were tightly holding on to your dress that you had worn as it was more comfortable and simpler to get in and out of when you were visiting the gynecologist.

“(Y/N)?” he extended his strong right hand to touch your cheek, probably to make sure you weren’t feeling hot or having a fever of any sort and a slight squirm escaped your mouth. Jungkook froze for a moment and you nearly died of embarrassment! Your body temperature made you feel like you were on fire. You had never been this horny, but also scared and excited at the same time. The sound you made was still echoing in Jungkook’s mind, his hand now slipping down to your neck and then down your right arm.

“You need help undressing, don’t you, babygirl?” his sudden change of voice and character startled you, yet it excited you further.

“Don’t be shy,” he smirked while unzipping the back of your dress. His touch felt electric and gave you goosebumps.

“I’m your doctor. I’m here to check you out and make sure you’re feeling okay,” he let your dress fall to the ground and your heart was beating so hard that you thought he might be able to see it in your chest. You watched his amused face as he was admiring your body that was still partially hidden by a matching bra and panty set, but that was perfect as Jungkook enjoyed unwrapping his presents.

“Come on now, (Y/N). I have to feel your breasts to make sure that there aren’t any lumps of any kind, so be a good girl and take the bra off for daddy,” he stated dominantly and the wetness in your panty’s seemed like it had to be drenching the fabric or leaking down your legs at least. You hesitated for a moment, but ended up doing what he said. For some strange reason, you wanted him to see your boobs and you wanted to feel and experience his touch. A hungry gaze covered his face the moment you rid yourself of your bra and let it fall to the ground to meet your dress. Jungkook’s hands instinctively darted out to caress the soft skin of your breasts, drawing circles around your pink nipples with his long fingers, earning a tiny moan from you. Before you knew it his mouth engulfed your left, erect nipple, so - in his words - he could “feel for the lumps a little better” and by this time you were holding on to him for support. This doctor sure knew how to make you feel good. Your core felt like it was on fire and you pushed your legs together for some kind - any kind - of friction. It seemed like Jungkook took notice, because a moment later you were resting on the inspection chair, your legs spread embarrassingly wide apart with Jungkook’s face hovering above your core, as he toyed with your sexy panty’s. He sniffed them erotically, making you even hotter, before discarding them on the floor.

“Now, let me make sure everything is okay down there,” he announced, turning his attention back to you, and not even a second later you felt his long digit enter your tight, wet core.

“Hmmm, it’s so tight,” he bit his lip as he stared into your eyes, sending shivers of pleasure up and down your spine.

“Let me make sure everything is in order right here,” he curled his finger up and carefully massaged your g-spot, causing your fingers to dig into the material of the inspection chair, as well as forcing you to throw your head back in enjoyment with a loud moan.

“That’s the spot, huh?” he smiled deviously, as he kept massaging it to gain more and more reactions from you.

“Let me make sure it all tastes fine too,” and before you could even protest you felt his tongue licking at and circling your clit.

“Oh, Jungkook!” you whined, as he pushed another one of his digits inside of you with his tongue still going to town on your clit.

“No, call me daddy,” he growled just like a hungry beast, pushing yet a third finger into your sweet walls.

“Ah, daddy, fuck!” you whined, bucking your hips with the desire for more. Jungkook, as if he could read your mind, got up from his chair and latched his lips around your nipple, with his thumb now substituting his tongue that was on your sensitive bundle of nerves while his fingers were still moving inside you. You almost couldn’t take it. The pleasure was nearly overwhelming and when Jungkook started to attack your neck and leave behind his marks in the form of tiny red bruises while muttering the dirty things he wanted to do to you in your ear, you lost it.

“Ah~!” with a loud moan you were sent over the edge, your tight pussy convulsing around Jungkook’s fingers. Beads of sweat had formed on both of your bodies and for a moment both of you were just focused on regaining your breath. After the two of you had calmed down a bit and Jungkook had removed his fingers from between your legs you noticed the angry erection that was straining against his tight, black pants. Immediately, a smile was plastered on your face and you got up from the chair to put your clothes back on. As you were sexily and seductively slipping your underwear back on, you asked Jungkook in a bent over position: “Hey doc, do you think I’m okay or is something wrong with me?”

“Hmmm, it still seems to be awfully wet down there,” his manly voice echoed through the room, “I think you need a more thorough inspection... at my house.” 

Read pt.2 here

#bts #bts fic #bts scenarios #bts smut #bts imagines #BTS jungkook #bangtan #Smut #kpop smut #kpop #kpop fanfiction #jungkook scenarios #jungkook smut #jeon jungkoooook #jeon jungguk #BTS jimin #bts jimin smut #jimin #park jimin #BTS jin #bts jhope #bts namjoon #BTS suga #BTS v #namjoon smut #rapmonster #rapmonster smut #jhope #jhope smut #suga

[amjustagirl]

Lately it's been milk bread!!! It's just been a constant craving. xD omg i also make alot of curry rice. ;-; I'm also on kick lately with curry, i dunno why lmao.

GIVE ME THE LAUNDRY LIST! I LOVE FOOD! I'm a mix of Hispanic and Italian so there's so many good foods, I'm just... Too lazy to make them. Making pasta from scratch takes so longggggg and tamales???? Ugh so long. ;-;

MILK BREAD TOORU WLD LOVE YOU!!

omg curry rice yesss. ive been making a lot of japanese curries nowadays cos im a little lazy, but thai green curry, yellow soft shell crab curry, lontong (which is like, a coconut curry w veggies) are all big big big favs of mine too!

oh gosh....i don't know where to start. like i LOVE italian food (you're so lucky you have a fantastic food culture to draw upon! i have rly fond memories of scoffing cheese pizzas at midnight in milan and i'm a huge huge huge fan of proscuitto and parma ham and italian cheeses (i've even left an exam early just so i wouldn't miss a street market!)

and ooh tell me more about tamales - i don't think i've ever had the opportunity to eat good, authentic south american food, i have tried tacos and burritos but i feel like it's v different eating it in asia yknow?

ok so if i had to narrow down a list of some of my favourite foods:

dim sum (this wld include things like liu sha baos - salted egg yolk buns, chicken feet, century egg porridge, steamed beef balls). i will SWIM TO HONG KONG OKAY.

bun cha (grilled pork served with rice noodles and a sheaf of herbs in some magical fish sauce mixture, i have such good memories scarfing down bowls of this in the narrow alleyways of hanoi - my vietnamese moots wld understand HAHA (@ravyeolii @fail-big)

hokkien mee (yellow alkaline noodles stir fried in a pork and seafood broth, singaporeans go to WAR with each other just to fight over which stall does it the best LOL)

carrot cake (not the dessert version, in singapore we pan fry radish cakes with eggs and preserved radish, comes either white or black (ie. with soy sauce or not). my singaporean / msian moots wld prob war over which version they prefer...i shall keep my preference a secret for now).

kueh salat - it's this pandan custard served over sticky coconut rice and IT'S AMAZING I CLD DIE.

pandan cake - look so our govt shut down bakeries for 2 weeks last year and i nearly cried WEH.

lamb briyani - i rly love the dry hyderabad version, washed down with a mango lassi, please and thank you!

sushi - i will fking fly my ass down to tokyo cos i miss good sushi SO MUCH. mr. nikki is a huge fan - he's woken up at 4am and queued an HOUR just to eat sushi in a japanese fish market. we're both mad over food LOL.

falafel - i rly love mediterranean food, and i have SUCH a weakness for fresh falafel, served with warm hummus and couscous. i make my own hummus BUT FALAFEL NEEDS TO BE DEEP FRIED AND I'M TOO FKING LAZY FOR IT.

hamberg steak - so this is a weird addition but it's sooo good, and i make it at home myself with minced tofu hoho.

and we haven't even gotten to my favourite meals HAHAHAHAA. gods what's wrong with me.

#Nikki chats! #Oracleofdin<3

[sebspocketsquare]

Quarantine: 2

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (online)

A/N: Heya guys! Here’s part 2! I hope you enjoy what I’ve come up with for you, let me know what you think! Part 3 is in the works :) -T

Warnings: Language, quarantine, feelings of loneliness and isolation, flirting

The highlight of your days became the time you spent online. So much so that you began staying up til nearly 4am, and sleeping in until noon or one every day. You couldn’t get enough of the new world you’d discovered..

You couldn’t get enough of your new friend.

Was it crazy? To look forward to small chats with someone you just met, and didn’t even know their name, gender or age? Probably.

You didn’t allow yourself to consider it too much, otherwise you knew your anxiety would make you question everything and shut them out.

You’re logging off early tonight, deciding you need a bit of extra time spent with yourself. A bubble bath, a glass of wine or two, and maybe a face mask. It was hard to remember the last time you’d participated in lengthy self care, and you knew it was well needed.

Drawing the bath, you set your phone on the bathroom counter. You only leave for a few moments to grab the wine, and you’re surprised to find the screen lit up when you come back.

A new message from Sarge.

Cocking your head to the side, you pick up your device and open your gaming app. They never messaged you outside of when you were playing games.. what could this be about?

[Sarge:] I know this might be odd and may come off as invasive, but.. I was wondering if you’d maybe wanna play 20 questions…?

[Sarge:] Get to know each other better?

Before you can even respond, more messages are coming through.

[Sarge:] You can also absolutely say no, it’s just.. 

[Sarge:] This quarantine has been… hard. I have a roommate, but.. I find myself lost in my head so frequently, feeling trapped and…

[Sarge:] To be quite honest, the only time I don’t feel that way is when I’m talking to you.

Your cheeks were burning, and it couldn’t be from the wine because you hadn’t touched it to your lips yet.

[Sarge:] You never even have to tell me your name if you don’t want to. I never even need to see what you look like, I just.. 

[Sarge:] I feel like we both need something to hold on to during all of this. 

[Sarge:] At least.. I know I do.

Their words have your head swimming as you sit on the edge of the tub. 

Should you? Should you not? 

They never wanted to see you, or know your name… it’s not even like they could stalk you to the point of randomly showing up at your house because of the quarantine.

You lick your lips in contemplation and then sigh.

What could it really hurt?

[clairv0yant:] I… think I would actually really like that.

Your first and only concern comes to mind, so you figure now is the time to voice it.

[clairv0yant:] But first… how old are you exactly? Lol

You were suddenly terrified you might be talking to just a child, and you definitely didn’t want to find yourself attached if that were the case.

[Sarge:] Lol. I guess that’s fair.

[Sarge:] Well, some days, I swear I’m over a hundred, but..

[Sarge:] Today, I’m feeling more mid thirties. How about you?

A weight lifts from your chest that you didn’t realize was there before. They were pretty close to your age. And they had a good sense of humor? You couldn't keep yourself from smiling just a bit.

You decide to keep on that note.

[clairv0yant:] Today? Late twenties. :P

The next few hours were spent playing way more than the agreed upon ‘20 questions’, but you didn’t mind.

You’d learned that your new friend was male and ex-military, though he still held a position that required him to travel from time to time when he wasn’t banned from doing so.

You learned that he loved classical music, Frank Sinatra, Elvis, but he was more than open to listening to some of your recommendations as well.

He didn’t have any family left to support him, but his roommate was his best friend, and though they both continuously pick at each other, they always have each other's backs.

His favorite color is blue.

He loves peanut butter cookies and hates vanilla wafers.

His favorite time of day is the hours just before sunrise, when he normally goes for 5 mile long runs.

The most intriguing thing you’d learned is how much of a sweetheart he is, and a bit of a flirt, though he doesn’t seem to even realize that fact.

[Sarge:] Alright, this one is a deal breaker.. Are you prepared?

[clairv0yant:] Hit me with it. 

[Sarge:] Do you sleep with socks on? 

[clairv0yant:] Ugh no way. I can’t stand it. That’s the worst.

[Sarge:] Atta girl. :P

You check the clock and it’s nearly 3am. This is usually the time that he says he’s off to bed, but he hasn’t brought up the inevitable parting yet.

You use this opportunity to ask a question that’s been in the back of your mind since the game started.

[clairv0yant:] So, do you have a name, or should i just call you Sarge? :P

You see him start to type, then stop, then start again.

A few moments pass before his response is popping up on your screen.

[Sarge:] You can call me Sarge for now.. or J, if you’d like. How about you, doll?

The new pet name sends a shiver right up your spine, and you flush at the involuntary reaction.

You understood his hesitation about giving out so much personal information, you hardly knew each other at this point. Pressing him for more just seemed like an ass move, so you decide to keep with the cryptic-ness of his answer… but with a little flirting.

[clairv0yant:] Clair is fine… or ‘Doll’. :P

You’re nervous to see how he’ll react to your answer, which in turn, makes you nervous in general. 

Were you really flirting with a stranger you met on the internet named Sarge? 

Was the quarantine starting to affect your common sense?

[Sarge:] Hmmm… I think I like ‘Doll.’ I’ll save Clair for when you’re in trouble. ;)

His response has your cheeks burning, as they have so many times during your conversation and you find yourself at a loss for words. 

He was turning out to be the world's biggest flirt.

[Sarge:] Well, doll, we should both get some rest, as much as I’d hate to part with you.. 

[Sarge:] We can pick this back up tomorrow, if you’d like?

You sigh, partly from contentment and partly from sorrow. 

Did it really have to end so soon?

[Sarge:] Sweet dreams, Clair. :)

[clairv0yant:] Sweet dreams, J. :)

TAGS: (I wasnt sure who to tag, so if you dont want to be, I’m sorry!! Just trying to get this out there. ALSO if you wanna be tagged INBOX ME! I tend to miss people in the tags :(  ).  @mindingmyownbusiness @plumfondler  @buckybarnesappreciationsociety @loricameback @tinaferraldo @geminimoonbeamx  @preserumsteverogers @moderapoppins @lowkeysebby @buckyshattergirl  @jayattemptstoruletheworld    @the-observant-fangirl @moondancewrites @moonbeambucky @trinityjadec  @stevieang  @bionic-buckyb @eyecandybarnes @propertyofpoeandbucky @promarvelfangirl @ballyhoobarnes @bucky-plums-barnes @cate-lynne @witchymarvelspacecase @imaginingbucky @theimpossibleg1rl @babygurl8840 @wonderlandmind4 @buckysthing @formulafun @curvybihufflepuff @fanficsformarvelkillme  @shadyskit @lostinthoughtsandfeelings @reading–mermaid @fuckmestan @siliverin @verygraphicink @sallyp-53 @thatsbucknasty @steadyphantomcat @booktease21 @kiki5283 @lostinspace33 @drayshadow @theperditioncrasher @mmyepic @feelmyroarrrr@alien-beans @heartsaved @sideeffectsofyou @dreamingofonceuponatime @just-a-littlebit-of-everything @bluerorjhan @tarynsnotokay @jamdropx35 @turquoisekokiri @pinknerdpanda​ @starkrobb​

#Bucky Barnes #bucky x reader #online au #sebspocketsquare #quarantine #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes fanfic

[hockeylvr59]

Bruises Part 2 || Mat Barzal

Requested: [x] yes [ ] no

Authors Note: So it’s been a year since I posted the first part of this and back then people asked me for a second part. It took me a while...I had three pages worth of this sitting stagnant in a word doc for six months...but for anyone that may still be interested here you are. I can say for certain that this is the end of this one. I can’t really think of a better way to end it than you’ll find below and hopefully, this answers a few of the many questions that were posed after part one. My heart aches just a little knowing that this piece is finally finished because it’s an intense one and there is certainly a little part of me embedded into it. I’d love to know what you guys think about it because it is certainly different than a lot of my other writings. 

Warnings: discussions about domestic violence, cursing 

Word Count: 4,151

~~~~~~

Around 4am you awoke again, the steady throbbing in your side having returned full force. Clearly, the medicine you’d taken had worn off. Gingerly sliding out of Mat’s bed, you attempted to stand, quickly throwing a hand over your mouth in an attempt to silence your cries of agony caused by the change in position. Grabbing your phone to use its screen as a mild flashlight you glanced back to Mat, thankful that he hadn’t woken. You’d caused enough trouble already and he needed a full night’s rest. 

Five minutes later you had managed to tiptoe the fifteen feet to the downstairs bathroom, quickly closing the door and flipping on the light to search for the pain medicine you hoped Mat kept there. Thankfully, it didn’t take long for your eyes to adjust to the brightness of the room and once they had you quickly spotted the bottle of extra strength ibuprofen. Taking two pills from the bottle, you popped them into your mouth before gathering a handful of water to help swallow. 

Since it was unlikely that you would be able to fall asleep until after the medicine kicked back in, you made your way to the couch, curling up and pulling a blanket over your lap before sending an email into the district office in order to call out sick for the day. Thankfully you were giving tests in a few of your classes, something a sub could easily administer for you and for the remaining classes you’d planned a lecture, something that you could replace with a documentary. Emailing another teacher that you were close to with a list of plans, you asked her to print it out to leave for the substitute. 

It wasn’t long after that when you heard footsteps and looking up saw Mat leaning against the door to his room looking at you with concern. 

“Are you okay?” He mumbled, his voice deep from sleep. 

“Fine Mat. Needed to call into work so they could get a sub and I took some more pain meds.” You assured him forcing as much of a smile as you could manage under the circumstances. 

“Come back to bed then…” He pleaded softly, stepping closer to you to offer a hand. 

“I might just stay here…” You whispered not wanting to concern him more with your inability to move with any sense of speed. His brows furrowed for a moment before he sighed and dropped down onto the couch next to you. Rubbing at his face he reached out to cup your cheek in his free hand. 

“I get that you don’t want to go to the hospital but please y/n...at least let me take you to our team doctor in the morning and let him check you out?” The way his thumb brushed against your skin as he stared at you, fear in his eyes made you shiver. “I know that if something was as bad as I’m thinking we’d know but I’m scared to death that you’re bleeding internally.” He admitted. 

Tears filled your eyes as you watched one of your best friends struggle with all of the drama you’d dropped into his lap. Shuffling across the couch the six inches between you and cringing all the while you nodded. 

“Fine...I’ll let you take me to the team doctor.” You agreed. “Then I need to go to the police station to file a restraining order.” 

“I won’t leave your side.” Mat swore, standing slowly before once again reaching for your hand so the two of you could go back to bed. 

“Go ahead, I’ll be behind you.” You urged him not wanting him to wait on your temporarily crippled self. When he refused to move, you bit your lip, trying to fight back the pain as you stood up again and attempted to take small steps forward. With a careful eye, Mat watched you for a minute before stepping to your good side and slipping an arm under your legs, slowly and gently lifting you into his arms. There was an initial wave of pain from being jostled, but it had faded for the most part before you even reached the bed, Mat setting you down just as carefully. 

“There you go gimpy.” He teased softly, crawling back into bed himself before wrapping his body around yours once again, pressing a soft kiss to your head. “Now try and get some more rest, it’s still ungodly early.” With his warm body surrounding you and his fingers tangled in your hair, you finally drifted back to sleep as the pain medicine kicked in, dulling your pain from a hard 8 to a 4 and a half. 

____

It was shortly after nine when your body stirred in the way that signaled you needed to get up and use the bathroom. Slowly easing yourself into a sitting position, you glanced over at the nightstand where your phone was and spotted a bottle of water and two more pain pills. Taking the pills and drinking half the bottle of water, you then slowly worked your way to the bathroom, returning to find a made bed with the sweatshirt you’d worn last night as well as a pair of drawstring sweats and an islanders t-shirt laid out on it. 

Evidently, Mat was a little ninja elf this morning as you hadn’t heard or seen him at all but clearly, he had been in and out of his room at least twice. 

The bruises on your wrist and arm didn’t look quite as bad as they had the night before as you glanced at yourself in the mirror. Your side, however, was a different story, having darkened to a deep blue almost black color. Changing clothes, you slowly made your way upstairs, finding Mat, Rebecca, and Dennis all sitting at the table eating breakfast. Thankfully the kids had already left for school so you didn’t have to worry about any prying questions. 

“How are you feeling?” Rebecca asked softly, standing up from the table with her now empty plate. “And what would you like for breakfast?” Before you could answer Mat was pulling out a chair for you to sit down next to him. 

“I’m hurting. My wrist and arm aren’t as bad but my side is another story.” You admitted, still feeling slightly ashamed for drawing all of them into your problems. 

“I’m taking her to see the team doc.” Mat added, jumping into the conversation. 

“As for breakfast, I’m not really hungry.” By the looks you were getting from everyone in the kitchen that wasn’t going to fly and so you sighed, brushing a strand of hair out of your face. “Just a bowl of cereal would be fine.” Holding up choices, you nodded at the box you’d prefer and shortly after, a bowl was being placed in front of you. As you ate, Mat and Dennis talked about the game from the night before and you let out a silent sigh of relief that the conversation was about anything but you. 

After finishing breakfast, Mat asked if you were ready to go, stating that he’d drive and you could come back for your car later. Murmuring that you just needed your phone and shoes, you nodded and like a flash, Mat was back with both items. With deft fingers he slid your phone into the pocket of the sweatshirt you were wearing before he knelt down to help slide your feet into your shoes, actually doing them up properly, something you hadn’t bothered with in your frantic rush last night. 

A large part of you felt guilty that he was having to take care of you, you were sure this was the last thing he needed to deal with today. At the same time though, you were relieved that you had someone you trusted completely to rely on because you weren’t certain that you could get through this on your own. 

With a gentle hand on your lower back, Mat helped you out to his car, easing you into the vehicle as tears pooled in your eyes from the pain. The moment Mat was settled into the driver’s seat, his hand found yours and he squeezed gently. While the physical pain was unbearable, the settling emotional pain was nearly as bad and you hadn’t even realized that you’d started crying until you heard Mat curse softly from beside you. 

“Please don’t cry.” He whispered, his hand squeezing around yours more firmly as he pulled up to a red light. “I don’t know if I can handle seeing you cry.” His words were barely audible and you whimpered as you tried to fight back the tears. 

“What did I do wrong?” You questioned softly, so unsure of how a relationship that seemed so solid had crumbled into violence so quickly. The second the question left your mouth Mat was pulling the car over into a parking lot so that he could focus his attention on you. 

“Nothing... you did nothing wrong.” He insisted, his tone one of pure disbelief that your actions could have caused this. “This is all on him...please know that.” When your own expression told him that you weren’t fully convinced, Mat sighed audibly, leaning closer to drop a kiss to your forehead. “I know you don’t believe me…but I need you to at least trust me.” He stated softly. 

“I do trust you.” You responded and if nothing else said in this car was true, that was. You wouldn’t have shown up at his door last night if you hadn’t trusted him. Of all of the people in your life, you had turned to him and though you weren’t 100% sure why you knew that had to mean something. 

“Alright.” Mat eventually breathed, brushing your tears away with his thumb before turning back to the wheel and pulling the car back onto the road to take you to the Isles practice facility to see their doctor. 

The rest of the drive was spent in silence, Mat’s thumb brushing back and forth over the back of your hand until he had parked in the player’s lot. “Don’t move.” Mat instructed and you were in enough pain still that you weren’t going to argue with him on that. After opening your passenger door, Mat leaned in to undo your seatbelt, ever so gently pulling it back across your body until it was hanging loosely behind you. Then he gently reached for your feet, swinging them out of the door before offering a hand to you. Standing back up made you feel like you were being stabbed, and you practically collapsed against his chest. With his hand on your good side, Mat supported your weight until the intense pain had waned and you were able to stand on your own. 

Slowly and gingerly, Mat helped you walk into the building, guiding you down empty hallways until you reached a set of rooms occupied by the team doctor and training staff. Waiting inside the room was a younger man with reddish hair, his nose in a medical file until he heard the sounds of your footsteps approaching. 

“Morning Doc. Thanks for doing this.” Mat stated, stepping away from you just enough to reach out and shake the doctor’s hand. “This is y/n….she’s too stubborn to go to the hospital so she’s in your hands this morning. Please take care of her.” His voice had started off teasing and confidant but by the end of his statement had dropped to one of pure worry and concern. 

“Of course Mat...my pleasure.” The doctor quickly responded, introducing himself to you as Dr. Brian. Now that you were here you were worried that you should have gone to the hospital because what if something was really wrong. Knowing your anxiety could be read differently you tried to force a pained smile onto your face. Seeing your expression made the Doctor’s lips furrow and he motioned for Mat to help you over to the exam table in the room. 

“So Mat didn’t really give me any details as to what had happened...can you fill me in?” Dr. Brian asked, voice gentle as if he sensed the need to approach this treatment gingerly. 

“Um...my ex...he...he hit me.” You finally managed to stutter out a response, blinking quickly to keep the tears from pooling in your eyes again. All of this made you feel so weak and you hated that because you knew that you were supposed to be stronger than this. Though your gaze was pointed downward, you were sure that Mat and the Dr. were exchanging looks above you. After settling you onto the exam table, Mat had taken a spot at your back, there to support you if necessary and to provide moral support. 

Sensing that you would be unable to speak, Mat once again provided a voice for you. 

“She’s got bruises on her wrist and upper arm from where he grabbed her trying to keep her from getting away but it’s her side that we’re really worried about. As you can tell she can barely move and he hit her three times on the left side of her abdomen.” Reaching for a pair of gloves, Dr. Brian nodded, a pensive look on his face. 

“Alright...can we get that sweatshirt off so I can get a better look?” He questioned. You nodded and started to reach for the edge of the sweatshirt only to be stopped by the feeling of Mat’s fingers at the hem. 

“Let me help.” He murmured, insistent on trying to prevent you from experiencing as much pain as he possibly could. With Mat tugging the sweatshirt over your head, all you had to do was gingerly lift your arms up, the bulky item of clothing now resting beside you on the table. 

Approaching the table, Dr. Brian first looked at your wrist and arm, checking them for signs of a sprain or spiral fracture. After a moment he appeared to be satisfied that they were only bruised when you were able to comply with his directions on moving and twisting them without much complaint. 

“Good. Now let’s get a look at that side. Mat, if you wanna just hold her shirt up out of the way for me.” Dr. Brian requested, moving around your body to take a good look at your side. Mat hadn’t seen the bruise since last night and the moment his eyes caught sight of your skin he gasped audibly. 

“Fuck y/n…” He choked, his voice suddenly moist like he was going to start crying himself. “I seriously wanna kill the bastard.” He added, his body tensing behind you while he attempted to keep your shirt out of the doctor’s way while preserving your modesty. Mat’s distress had your breathing becoming more unsteady by the moment and once more you cursed yourself for dragging him into this. 

“Take deep breaths for me y/n.” Dr. Brian murmured as he conducted a visual examination of your side. “And you too, Mat.” He added as an afterthought. Slowly you focused your attention on breathing, knowing that losing it would only make your side hurt worse than it currently did. 

“Mat. Help me lay her back gently. Y/N I want to make sure that you aren’t bleeding internally though I feel like we would know if you were by now. This is going to hurt though and I’m sorry.” It hurting was the understatement of the year as Dr. Brian pressed as gently as he could into your side while still feeling for what he needed to. The moment he had first pressed down once you were on your right hip you cried out in pain and both men surrounding you winced. Whimpers followed as Mat ran his fingers over your scalp. Even once Dr. Brian was done, the pain lingered and you weren’t certain you’d be able to move right away. With your eyes closed, you didn’t see Dr. Brian walk across the room before returning, an ice pack wrapped in a towel in his hand. 

“She’s gonna be fine Mat.” Dr. Brian insisted as he gently laid the cold pack over your bruised side. “I’m not feeling or seeing any signs of internal bleeding. Just relax here for a few minutes with the ice pack. I’ll write up a script for a few days of a slightly heavier dosage pain killer and then you can take her to get some rest.” You were honestly glad the doctor was addressing Mat and not you because you weren’t sure your brain was capable of processing anything right now. You must have zoned out because one moment Mat was right beside you and the next he was in the corner whispering softly with the doctor. 

“Mat…” You whispered. You felt silly that even having him this far away had you feeling so unsteady but it wasn’t a feeling you were strong enough to control right now. Glancing over at the sound of your voice, Mat quickly finished up the conversation before pulling a stool over to sit right in front of you. 

“Hey...it’s okay. I’m right here.” He insisted, his fingers lacing with your own. The look in his eyes was still filled with concern but compared to just a few minutes ago, they had softened and his expression helped put you at ease. “Doc is writing up a report for you to give to the police regarding your injuries...and either you’re staying with me tonight or I’m coming to stay with you because you shouldn’t be alone just yet. Doc insists that if anything changes...if the pain gets worse than it is...that we go to the hospital.” 

You wanted to express to Mat just how grateful you were to him for being here, for putting up with all of this but there didn’t seem to be words that would be enough. This had been arguably the worst 14 hours of your life and you didn’t know if you’d be able to get through it without him. 

By the time it was time to take the ice pack off of your side, Dr. Brian had finished his report and after making a quick copy for his records, he handed off the original to Mat for safekeeping. Your prescription was also tucked safely into Mat’s pocket along with a work excuse and after getting back into your sweatshirt with instructions to try and take it easy for a few days, Mat helped you back out to his car. After a quick stop at the pharmacy to drop off the script so that you could pick it up later, you headed to the police department. You really didn’t have any idea of how this whole process worked and you were scared. Scared that no one would believe you. Scared that you would be blamed for your own injuries. Scared that even a restraining order wouldn’t keep Nick away if he truly wanted to hurt you. 

Of course, merely filing a police report wasn’t enough. After taking your report the officer had told you that you needed to go down to family court and file a “family offense petition” in order to have a restraining order issued. As if telling your story once wasn’t enough, now you had to go do it all over again before waiting for a court date where there was a possibility that you’d have to fight it out with your ex over last night’s events. 

Through both the stop to the police station and the courthouse, Mat was a saint, physically holding you up when you needed him to and letting you sob into his shoulder soaking through his shirt. There were so many things that you needed to do just to make sure that Nick couldn’t hurt you again….though there was no promise that he would even follow a restraining order...and you were overwhelmed and confused at all of it. Mat insisted that everything was going to be fine and though you weren’t sure you believed him, he’d asked you to trust him earlier and so you were going to do your best to trust him now. 

By the time you left the courthouse with a date to see a judge for a preliminary hearing in a few days, you were absolutely exhausted even though it was only two in the afternoon. As you slid back into the car once again you looked up at Mat with sad eyes. 

“Can you take me home now?” You whispered. 

“Of course.” Mat responded. “Just let me call Marty...he only lives a few blocks from your place and he can provide some backup in case we need it.” The second his words processed you shook your head, teeth biting down onto your lower lip. 

“No...take me to your home please…” You whispered, not ready to go back to your own place yet. Today had been so emotionally exhausting that anything more was going to push you over the limit of what you could handle without completely falling apart. Mat quickly nodded in understanding and you felt his thumb brush against your cheek before he climbed back into the car himself. 

“Is there anything you want from your place though?” He asked softly. “I can get you settled back into bed and then run over to your place when I go out for your prescription…” Softly you murmured that you would love some clean underwear at least as well as your personal hygiene products and Mat squeezed your hand once more, silently assuring you that he would do whatever it took to make you comfortable again. 

Arriving back at the Seidenberg residence, Mat helped you from the car for what was hopefully the last time today. As the two of you walked inside, Danielle simply sent a weak smile your way, no one needing to even ask if it was okay if you stayed another night. 

By the time you reached Mat’s bedroom in the basement, you were completely exhausted and though your side was still throbbing, the second your head hit the pillows of Mat’s bed you were passed out, your body seeking an escape from the pain. 

___

You didn’t stir until you felt fingers brushing through your hair ever so gently. When your eyes opened to reveal Mat, you sent him as much of a smile as you could. It had been almost an hour and a half already from when you laid down and as you blinked away the sleepiness you realized that Mat had a glass of water, your prescription, and a string cheese in hand knowing that you hadn’t eaten since breakfast and would likely get sick if you took the strong medicine on a completely empty stomach. 

Sitting up as much as you could, you took each item from him in turn until they were all gone. Even though sleeping so much meant that you probably wouldn’t sleep tonight, your body still wanted nothing more than to roll back over and close your eyes. Sensing that you had no intention of getting up, Mat rounded the bed and slipped out of his own jeans before climbing in with you and wrapping you gently in his arms. 

Laying in silence until the medicine started to kick in making you groggy once more, you found yourself whispering softly as you drifted to sleep. 

“I don’t deserve you.” Your statement was met by Mat nuzzling his nose into your hair, his warm breath spreading over your cheeks. 

“You’ve got that the other way around.” He murmured back. “Plus...you don’t have to deserve me for me to love you...that’s not the way love works.” 

Though you were nearly asleep, you were awake enough to hear him and his words were certainly going to be a topic of conversation later. As if he knew a more conscious you would protest he continued. 

“I know today has been beyond shitty and that my timing is far from great but I need you to know that I love you, y/n and I will wait for however long it takes for you to feel the same way. And if you never do that’s okay too...but I need you to know that I will always be here for you. You deserve nothing but to be loved and adored and whether I get to do that as a friend or something more...I’m going to make sure that you know that every day from here on out. There is no bruise that I won’t be here to help heal.” 

Though it may take some time for both your physical and emotional bruises to heal, knowing that Mat was waiting...well, you couldn’t ask for anything more. 

#domestic violence tw #domestic violence cw #mat barzal #mat barzal imagine #new york islanders imagine #new york islanders #nhl imagine #nhl imagines #hockey imagine #hockey imagines #nyislanders #009 #1k celly

[chiefnooniensingh]

I Won’t Hesitate (For You) Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Do you have to (let it linger)?

In this chapter: We meet Isobel Bracken's brother a few years before the present. In the present, Jesse Manes is inadvertently helpful and Alex broadens his list of suspects.

A/n: As always, a special thanks to Aileen (@acomebackstory), Callie (@callieramics), @hm-arn, @royalshadowhunter and @ladymajavader over on Tumblr for their continued support and cheerleading, and my new cheerleader May (@merlinss). I don't know if I would've finished it without you guys!

The title of last chapter hasn't been guessed yet, so you can still give it a go!

Can anyone guess this week's title and performing artist?

also on: ao3

other chapters: 1 2 3 4

January, 1933

In the month that construction of the longest and tallest suspension bridge began in San Francisco, a small announcement appeared in the local New Mexican paper.

Oil Mogul Noah Bracken (33) and long-time girlfriend Isobel Evans (25) announce their engagement Noah Bracken, the youngest man ever to reach a net worth of $1 billion, and his long-time girlfriend, major event planner Isobel Evans, have today announced their engagement to this newspaper. “We are beyond happy and ask you to respect our privacy in this wonderful time,” the couple announced from their San Franciscan estate. “It will be the greatest event I’ll ever have planned,” adds the future Mrs Bracken with a wink. The editors of this newspaper wish them all the happiness in the world.

This news was not received well by everyone. The bride’s brother, for one. A recent addition to the sheriff’s department, he had read everything about the Rosa Ortecho case. 13 years later, the case was still cold as ice. He’d recognized the young immigrant that had been the one and only suspect back in the day as the man his twin sister was dating. But before he could reach out and warn his sister, she’d gotten engaged. Any objections he voiced now would make him sound like a possessive brother.

He tried to assuage himself; aside from the fight, there was absolutely no evidence that Noah Bracken had killed the Ortecho girl. And yet he couldn’t shake this feeling…

Max Evans threw the paper down on the table and put on his hat.

If his sister’s soon-to-be-husband was a dangerous killer, he was going to find out. And his sister would be kept out of danger, for as long as possible.

Present day, 21st of October, 1935

“Bring in Max Evans, please,” Alex requested of the young conductor they brought in from one of the other carriages. Alex could really only trust people who had not been on the Paris carriage, so he’d had his father bring over some staff from the other carriages.

Every time he looked at the conductor assigned to help him out, however, he was secretly disappointed it wasn’t Michael. This man was older, shorter and the uniform was not nearly as attractive on him as it was on Michael.

After their less-than-professional meeting in the luggage carriage, Michael had disappeared, only showing his face when people needed something. Alex was afraid he regretted the way the two of them lost control, especially with Jesse Manes crawling around.

So Alex threw himself into the case with more vigour. He didn’t want to think about Michael, because he was already discounting him as a subject on the basis of nothing, and that was dangerous. Personal feelings in his line of work was dangerous and led to murderers walking free.

Max entered the dining carriage. The man was almost inhumanly tall, Alex guessed about 6 feet, and was very muscular. Alex glanced at Kyle’s summary of the stab wounds; Max could’ve easily made the deeper, more smooth incisions. Only a person of great strength would’ve been able to make those. “You wanted to see me, Detective Manes?”

“Yes, please sit down. If you have you identification papers on you, please put them on the table.” Max placed his papers in front of Alex, and the latter inspected them closely. “Maxwell Evans, 27 years old. Current resident of Roswell, New Mexico?”

“Affirmative.”

“And where are you currently employed, Mr Evans?”

“The Sheriff’s department. For about two years now.”

“A fellow detective.” Alex smiled as he handed back the papers and wrote down the general information. “Then you know I’ll have to ask some questions, regardless of your guilt or innocence in this case.”

Max bowed his head. “I understand. You may ask your questions.”

“Where were you at around 3AM?”

“Asleep in my bunk.”

“Alone?”

Max flashed a smile. “Sadly, yes.” Not much of an alibi.

“What are you doing aboard this train, Mr Evans?”

“I was looking for some family. I lost touch with most of them after I moved to New Mexico early in my youth, and I was hoping to find some in Istanbul. Sadly, I haven’t found any.” Max gave another smile, but his eyes betrayed sadness. “Now I’m heading back Stateside.”

“Did you know Rosa Ortecho?”

Max Evans sat back, looking surprised. “Well, the murder happened in Roswell, so I heard about it when I first joined the department, but no, I did not know her personally. Why do you ask?”

Alex closed his book and sat back, studying Max Evans’ face closer. For some reason the features seemed familiar, though he couldn’t place it. He’d left Roswell years before, so he couldn’t have met him. And yet something in the back of his mind tried to draw his attention, remaining just out of reach. “There are signs this murder is connected to the Rosa Ortecho murder. It’s unclear how or why, but the evidence seems to support it.”

Max’ eyebrows shot upwards and sat back, whistling softly. “Wow. That’s intense. Well, I never knew about the murder until after I joined the force. I didn’t know Mr Bracken until I met him on this train tonight.”

For some reason, Alex felt deeply uncomfortable as Max said that. His leg started bouncing up and down and his stomach roiled. Max Evans was lying. But why and about what? “Alright, Mr Evans, that’s it for now. Please return to your cabin.”

“Wait.”

Both Max and Alex turned around to see Jesse Manes, who had been skulking in a corner, sit up straight and look intensely at Max. “What?” Alex asked, just barely civil.

“Mr. Evans, how do you know Isobel Bracken?”

Alex looked at Max just in time to see a flash of fear pass over his face. “Mr. Evans?”

“I don’t – ” he began, but Jesse Manes cut him off. “Alexander, you do know Isobel Bracken’s maiden name is Evans?”

Alex did not. He looked at Max Evans accusatorily. “Mr. Evans. The truth, please.”

Max put his head in his hands for a moment, then sat up straight. “Fine. Isobel is my twin sister.”

It clicked in Alex’s head immediately. The features were familiar because he looked a lot like Isobel. He chided himself on not putting it together himself. You call yourself observational? “Which makes Noah Bracken your brother-in-law.” Max nodded. “Why did you lie, Mr. Evans?”

“Because my connection to Isobel and Noah would make me a suspect!” Max ejaculated roughly, running his hands through his hair. “It’s common knowledge Noah and I did not get along, and I thought making sure I wasn’t a suspect would at least give Isobel some peace of mind. Her husband was just murdered, Mr. Manes.”

“I’m aware,” Alex said coolly, writing down the statement and underlining the connection Max had to the victim. It still didn’t make him the culprit, but as Max said, it did make him a suspect. “You said it was common knowledge that you did not get along with Noah Bracken?”

“Yeah, it was pretty widely reported. I’m surprised you didn’t see. A few months after my sister got married, I got wind of him hitting her. I lost my control completely and picked a fight with him in the middle of a busy street in New York. Noah being who he is, it was front page news.” Max scoffed. “It was never proven that he did hit her, and Isobel denied it, but yeah, after that, Noah and I stayed out of each other’s way as much as possible.”

Motive, Alex penned down in his notebook. If Noah Bracken really hit his wife, her twin brother had more motive than most to want Noah out of her life. Expect maybe Isobel herself. His father’s initial accusation may have some merit to it after all.

“Please, Isobel didn’t do this,” Max pleaded, looking earnestly into Alex eyes. “She’s been through so much and just because I was reckless and have anger issues, doesn’t mean she does too. I got the volatile genes in this family.”

Alex looked steadily back at Max. “You just gave me a motive for both you and Isobel to want Noah Bracken gone. I have to pursue it. If it turns out Isobel is innocent, that will come out soon enough.”

Max sighed, looking absolutely miserable. “I understand. I’m sorry for lying, I was just trying to protect my sister.”

Alex nodded. “Is there anything else you may have been lying about? Your alibi, perhaps?”

Max snorted. “Well, it might as well come out. I was in my cabin, but I was not alone. I was talking to Beth Otto. We met on the train and really hit it off, we were talking until around 4AM. I returned to my cabin a little after that time. I lied because she doesn’t want her dad to know.”

That meant someone was awake at the time of the murder. “Did you see or hear anything at around 3AM?” Alex said, eagerly.

Max shook his head. “I’m sorry Mr. Manes, I was thoroughly engaged with Ms. Otto. She has fascinating ideas about the future, she’s a genius. It’s a damn shame that women of her descent aren’t admitted to college yet.”

Alex nodded, but had no time to discuss the prevailing overtones of racism and sexism in America, no matter how much he wanted to. “Should you think of anything at all, don’t hesitate to look me up, Mr Evans. That is all.”

Damn it all to hell, Alex thought darkly, sitting back and watching Max Evans disappear. The net was closing around Isobel and yet something didn’t seem right.

The wounds didn’t add up. And neither did the connection to the Ortecho case. Was it just coincidence? Or a way to cover up the true motive? Alex had never encountered such a complex case before in his life. The world is made up of logic, he always said, but logic was precisely the thing missing in this case. All the facts contradicted each other. Nothing added up.

“Well, he seems trustworthy enough,” Jesse Manes said flippantly. “But that Isobel…in cases of murder, the spouse is always the suspect.”

Alex sat up with a snap, his father’s snap judgements needling him more and more. “Why? Because Max is white and male? That doesn’t exclude him from being a suspect, dad! Everyone is a suspect! And now we have two people with flimsy alibis and great motives! Yet none of it adds up at all to the Rosa Ortecho murder! Nothing adds up and we have no time!”

Jesse Manes looked outraged, his face slowly turning red, always a danger-sign. “Listen, young man – ”

“Oh, don’t ‘young man’ me, father! The revelation about Max and Isobel’s relation aside, you have added nothing but insults and judgements to this case. Unless you have something real to contribute, stay the hell out of my way!”

His voice shaking with an old fear he had refused to feel all week, Alex pushed past his father, who seemed to have been struck dumb by Alex’s outburst, and exited the dining carriage. He promptly bumped into Michael, who was standing just outside, his hand outstretched as if to knock. “Oh. Michael.” A sense of calm immediately stole over Alex and he felt his shoulders relax slightly.

“Hi,” Michael said, looking slightly off-put. “Everything okay?”

“Yes, just…my father.” Michael nodded, but looked strangely distant as he did so.

“Can I help you with anything?” he said, in a tone that said there was no room for improprieties now. Alex felt a faint twinge of pain in his heart but allowed Michael to keep his distance. Things had been so wild and confusing these last few days, he could hardly blame him for coming to his senses.

“Yes. Can you tell me if you saw or heard anyone outside the cabins as you were tending to Mrs DeLuca?”

Michael looked pensive for a second, then shook his head. “No. No, it was as I said. Around 4AM, Mrs DeLuca asked for some water. I went to fetch it, returned and was back in my cabin no later than 10 past.”

Alex froze. And yet Max just admitted to leaving Beth Otto’s cabin after 4, too.  Michael’s story was starting to show holes. Alex’s heart sank as the horrifying reality of his situation dawned on him. Michael might just turn out to be guilty before all this was said and done.

Alex never had trouble revealing the guilty party after he was certain they had committed the crime. That was his job, and he was good at it. But he had never been in the position of having to deal with a suspect that he cared as much as about as he cared about Michael.

Shockingly, a part of his brain wondered if Alex couldn’t just…let it go, should Michael prove the guilty party.

He closed his eyes briefly. It was becoming increasingly difficult to separate his feelings from the case.

It might be his undoing.

“Michael, can you fetch me Dr Kyle? I need to see him.”

Michael nodded once, and his face remaining completely neutral, turned around and left. Alex remained behind in the hallway, feeling increasingly uncertain about this entire case.

“You wished to see me?” Alex looked up to see Kyle standing in front of him, smiling politely.

“Yes, doctor, please follow me.”

They went back into the dining carriage. Jesse Manes was still there, but he got up and left the carriage without a further word as Kyle and Alex sat down. “Do you have identification on you, sir?” Alex asked, and Kyle supplied it. “Kyle Vale, 25 years old, former resident of New York, owner of a work permit for France. Occupation: doctor.”

“Yes, but born and raised Spaniard, sir. My parents left Spain after the war, despite our neutrality we felt it was best to use this opportunity to start over. We weren’t very rich, you see.”

“’Vale’?”

Dr Vale chuckled. “My parents’ little joke. We hail from the city of Valencia, you see. We had a dreadfully long Spanish last name, so they figured it was best to change it. America being what it is.”

Alex nodded, writing it all down. His leg was bouncing again. “And where were you at 3AM?”

“Asleep in my bunk,” Kyle answered easily, and Alex’s leg stilled. “I have a habit of sleeping horridly, you see, so I’d taken some sleeping medicine after we left the DeLuca’s cabin and did not wake until Mrs Bracken screamed bloody murder – I mean…” Kyle turned red. “That was insensitive. It was, of course, a bloody murder. Merely an expression.”

Alex nodded. His leg seemed indecisive; every time the nervous energy took hold, it seemed to disappear again. Alex had always had a good sense when people were lying to him. But it was difficult to tell with Kyle. “So you did not wake the entire night?” he asked.

“No,” the other man said decisively.

“What can you tell me about the Rosa Ortecho case?”

Kyle frowned deeply, thinking a moment before answering. “Wasn’t that the murder case fifteen years ago? In New Mexico? Little girl went missing then turned up dead two weeks later, yes?” Alex simply nodded. “Alex, surely you don’t think this has any connection…?”

“I do,” Alex said simply.

Kyle let out a disbelieving laugh, which died away quickly at the look on Alex’s face. “I swear, I know no more than the rest of America! Only what I read in the papers! Girl goes missing, turns up dead, case goes cold!” He sounded genuinely affronted. “You don’t think that any of us – ?”

“No, I think – rather, I know, Noah Bracken was the kidnapper and eventual murderer of Rosa Ortecho.”

Kyle stared for a long moment, then let out another disbelieving laugh. “That’s…insane!”

“And yet, I believe it to be true. When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

“Sherlock Holmes,” Kyle muttered, almost as an afterthought. “What a turn of events, eh?”

“Quite,” Alex said, keeping his eyes focused on Kyle’s face as it went through several emotions at once. Fear and amazement were the two that Alex recognized. It still did not give him any solid information, yet he wrote it down. “And have you given anymore thought to the nature of the stab wounds?”

Kyle sat back down, relaxing only slightly. His shoulders were still set, as if he was still expecting Alex to start pointing fingers randomly. “I’ve been trying to remember everything I was ever taught in med school about murders, but if you hadn’t chosen forensic science as your major, you were only taught the bare minimum, like liver temperature and vivisection. Nothing about murder, and definitely not about the psychology of stabbing a person!” Kyle ran his hand through his hair, messing it up even further. In the past day, Alex had started to notice the first sign of stress on everyone’s face. Kyle hadn’t brushed his hair since this all started, Beth had been frowning a lot and Michael…well, Michael seemed to be torn between avoiding Alex and wanting to keep an eye on him.

Nearly 24 hours, and a murderer was still amongst them, Alex not being a single step closer to finding out who it was.

“Thank you, Dr Vale, that’ll be all.”

Kyle left the carriage and Alex remained behind once more, staring at his notes. Only Isobel and Max have motives, Alex mused, but those are very shaky at best. Michael’s alibi is equally shaky, unable to be verified by anyone.

Alex stared at the facts about the state the body was found in, feeling a distant part of his brain tugging at his attention once more. He was missing something, something huge, but right now, he couldn’t put a finger to it. He snapped his book shut with a frustrated sigh and left the dining carriage. He needed a change of scenery, and he knew just where to get it.

#malex #malex ff #malex fanfic #rnm ff #roswell new mexico #Alex Manes #Michael Guerin #a disaster bi and a chaotic gay #what could go wrong #otp:I Don't Look Away #my fanfics #my malex ff #motoe au

[donnerpartyofone]

i just got a whole bunch of new followers on letterboxd, and checking out who they all are really reminded me of why i don’t follow too many people on letterboxd. bad amateur writing is hard to enjoy even ironically, but there’s something about bad film writing that’s really harmful. i have hate-read so many of this one guy’s reviews that i feel embarrassed about it now. he describes himself as an “arthouse manager”, which i assume means he runs a theater, but it bothers me because nobody says “let’s go out to the arthouse tonight” without the word “theater” in there, it’s just unnatural and pretentious. so that’s red flag #1 right in his description, which is followed by red flag #2 about how he hates modern media, as if being a luddite or nostalgia freak automatically means you’re a sensitive genius. it’s probably worth mentioning a sub-red flag, which is that he also says he’s 27 years old, which has to mean that he either wants to be congratulated for being precocious somehow, or he thinks he’s going to get laid off this movie website where you can’t even post pictures of yourself, or both, i mean who fucking cares how old you are anyway, for what reason? then the first review is of DAYS OF BEING WILD, in which he describes Wong Kar-Wai as “seeking to understand what draws women to shitty, emotionally unavailable men”; i mean imagine being so full of shit that you project your own sullen incel-y “UGH WHY DO GIRLS ONLY LIKE BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH” garbage onto whatever revered works of art show up on your tv screen? this guy goes on to reveal himself in almost a strip tease fashion across many of his reviews, breaking up his pompous analyses with macho mindbenders like “i have often said that being horny is the point of life” and biographical information like about his manipulative alcoholic father. i’m not trying to say that everybody with a delinquent or dysfunctional parent is destined to have idiotic and serial killerish attitudes about intimacy, because that would condemn pretty much all of us. but, i am sadly familiar with solipsistic assholes who brandish their alleged intellectual superiority in one fist while beating the dust out of their childhood traumas with the other, and just seeing his smug letterboxd reviews tells me everything i need to know about him. hopefully he just followed me in a spammy way to get attention and will never interact, or maybe i’ll say something he finds politically disagreeable and he’ll go away.

honestly finding anybody worth following on letterboxd is kind of hard. it can be nice to read stuff by people who are just having fun and shooting straight about what they’re watching, but the site is filled with wannabe J Hobermans and Lester Bangses who are just out to prove that they own a thesaurus. they’re practically all dudes, you can smell the old spice and maker’s mark wafting out of your laptop fan when you read some of this chest-pounding nonsense. not all of them have such toxic things to say as the aforementioned douchebag, but there’s a real preponderance of users who seem to think they’re reinventing the language. the sad thing is when they really like MY writing. there’s this guy i follow who i think used to write fairly clearly, but now everything he posts looks like a burroughs cut-up with really avant garde ideas about punctuation and adjectives, and unfortunately, i think it’s on purpose. i’d unfollow him, but i feel like i can’t, because he is as nice as literally anyone has ever been about my writing. he goes so far as to give me a hard time about why i’m not a professional film critic, he’s like a ~fan~...and then i gotta ask myself, how much is my writing like HIS writing? this is where the difficulties of letterboxd start to feel worth while, in a masochistic kind of way. like, how often do i write in the same wanky bombastic fashion as these shitty little internet valedictorians who i hate so much? probably a lot! i don’t like feeling that way but i have to admit that i’m grateful for the opportunity to check myself, and possibly improve.

however good or bad i am, letterboxd is still a better place to write than tumblr. i mean tumblr is less than optimal for long form writing anyway, but it’s also a question of who the majority population is here. the other day i got a comment on a pretty old post i wrote about ANNIHILATION, a movie i found kind of smarmy and shallow. the commenter said that my points about the movie were good, BUT they would all be negated by the content of the novels on which the movie is based, and they wanted to know why i deliberately omitted this material from my analysis, as if this were a conspiracy to be unraveled. they actually asked me what the point of my post was, like what was my goal in writing only what i wrote and leaving all kinds of things out. basically. this person COULD NOT UNDERSTAND THE IDEA OF A MOVIE REVIEW. i answered them, because they had tried hard to be polite, that my movie review blog is just for movie reviews, in which i talk about what i think about movies i watch. i’m not pursuing everything related to certain intellectual properties, nor am i invested in the logic and content of Extended Universes of whatever individual movies i’m watching. i’m not mad at this person, who was asking an honest question, but i was completely dumbfounded by the question itself. i mean imagine being SO INVESTED in fandom as like a type of lifestyle that you don’t know what a movie review is anymore? like every piece of media is regarded as some sort of municipality, that belongs to a state, and is governed by certain people, and its characters are like Real People who are available for friendship, dating and more. no piece of media is just entertainment, or even an artistic statement anymore. for this person, watching a movie is something like studying civic infrastructure, except with more DIY alterations and more fetishizing of gay men. i keep trying to imagine reading three paragraphs about some middling hollywood movie that amounts to something like “i did not enjoy watching this film,” and just having no personal frame of reference AT ALL for what it means when somebody writes that down. like just not knowing what a movie review is at all, and asking the author to explain the meaning of the bizarre behavior of saying you thought some movie sucked.

why DOES anybody write about movies though? if i don’t find it normal or desirable to watch everything with an exclusive filter for who do you want to fuck and who do you want to see fucking each other, then what else am i getting at? surely i don’t see myself as a potential roger ebert or leonard maltin, especially considering the extremely limited number of celebrity film critics in the history of mankind. i’m also not Pro- the idea of sorting all movies according to some rigid standards of technical quality and deservingness, like anybody needs me to grade them after they’ve performed the nearly impossible-seeming task of even making one single movie to begin with. sometimes i stupidly start complaining about stupid responses to my writing that i get once in a while from the internet, and my shrink asks me, “what are you up to when you post this writing?” she always says i’m “up to something” when i seem to be following but willfully ignoring my subconscious drives, which i think is pretty funny. but i don’t think i’m pursuing feelings of superiority, over movies or other writers. i think i’m just trying to figure out what movies are trying to say about human existence--and they all are trying to say something, are motivated by some angst, even the really insulting ones that only offer up wish fulfillment pablum. i’m constantly trying and failing to figure out my own existence, and i must sense that attempting to decipher movies is one way of getting closer to decoding my own experiences.

and on that note, now i have to complain about the fact that Lyft’s driver rating system includes “fun conversation” as one of the four factors in giving someone five stars. i rarely want a stranger to try to force me to talk to them, especially at 4am when i’m headed to the airport under a miserable pile of luggage. even so, i recently got into a car in such a state, with a guy who was clearly going for that five star rating, babbling loudly and convulsively at me all the way to my terminal. it would be one thing if he were just trying to be nice, but he was giving me shit about everything from my pickup location to what i had done in his fair city for a week and a half. i did not immediately volunteer how many movies i had seen at the festival i attended, because i probably intuited that when he did make me tell him, he would inform me that he doesn’t need to watch movies, because “I WATCH *LIFE*, MAN!!!” the irony was that this guy clearly didn’t watch life at all; he didn’t even have the ability to discern that i didn’t want to talk, or that i didn’t want him to insult my favorite leisure activity, and that probably NOBODY wants to listen to him talk about his shitty generic blues rock band for half an hour before 5am. so that’s the one thing i can say for even the most obnoxious reviewer on letterboxd--that probably they are TRYING to hone the art of observation, a dying skill. probably they are TRYING to train themselves to be an active audience that engages thoughtfully with the movie instead of just hucking rotten tomatoes at the screen OR passively allowing it to wash over them. even if i often hate the results, at least some of these guys seem be making an effort.

[prettymuchdeadalready]

100 Important Character Questions

Here’s looking at you kid, @wexarethewalkingxdead​ !! XD They’ll be below the cut due to length. {{ I despise ‘read mores’ except that it’s so fucking long! XD }}

1OO IMPORTANT CHARACTER QUESTIONS

taken from beth kinderman and nikki walker’s the 100 most important things to know about your character. a good list to help develop a character’s background, personality, and general aspects. 

PART 1: THE BASICS

·         What is your full name? :: Bobby Autumn Monroe

·         Where and when were you born? :: Atlanta, Georgia at Grace Memorial at 4am on a Sunday.

·         Who are/were your parents? (Know their names, occupations, personalities, etc.) :: Maryann JoMarie Monroe (nee Tippins) and Franklin Roosevelt Monroe ;; mama was a stay at home mother who became an addict to opiates and papa was a worker at the mill in Powder Springs, which was a HUGE (in his mind because he always resented it) drive from where they lived on the outskirts of Atlanta in a little cabin home one a sparce patch of land just outside a trailer park beside the woods. Mama was a strong woman who grew weak after nears of being beaten and bloodied by her drunk mean husband; having 3 kids kept her strong to a degree, however, for as long as she could be, trying to keep his attention on her and away from her kids. When she died (Bobby who was the eldest of them by 15 minutes) that all changed; Michael trying to draw the majority of the brutality because he was the boy and his father always was trying to beat on the girls when given little to no reason at all, even.

·         Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like? :: Michael Henry Monroe and Katherine Emberlynn Monroe, in chronological order of birth after Bobby. Michael is an EMT on staff with New York Presbyterian Hospital, which is also Columbia University’s training hospital. Katherine is an aspiring actress in the LA area of California.

·         Where do you live now, and with whom? Describe the place and the person/people. :: Bobby has never left Georgia. The only time she does is when the group moves on after season 4. She doesn’t know why she’s never left before, not even to visit her siblings that left her behind, but she always feels like, as the big sister, it’s her job to maintain a home for them to come back to, should they ever need it.

·         What is your occupation? :: Bobby is an ER nurse with Grace Fulton Memorial Hospital and regularly assists with trauma cases.

·         Write a full physical description of yourself. You might want to consider factors such as: height, weight, race, hair and eye color, style of dress, and any tattoos, scars, or distinguishing marks. :: Height is 5’4. (Smol but mighty!) Weight fluctuates from 115 to 120 pounds depending on the time of year and stressors in her life; okay, maybe 124, but not an ounce more! She swears. Bobby is Caucasian American. Hair is an auburn brunet. Eyes are chocolate brown; when she is angry they appear almost amber in tone, and when sexually aroused they usually darken to an almost black. Her fashion sense is usually tomboy, wearing jeans and tee shirts; sometimes a little sporty with tight running pants, spandex or loose shorts, and tank tops. Bobby only has one tattoo that transcends any and all verses she might have: a black rose with three drips of blood on the petals, one at the end nearly ready to drop off, at the small of her back which reminds her of the fragility of life and death and the ever presence of the latter, the pain and struggle symbolized by the blood droplets on the petals. She has a long scar that runs the length of the space between where the band on her bra would rest down to her love handle, on the edge where her side meets her back – given to her by an abusive ex that was just like her father when drunk, only worse because he was legitimately a highly functioning and violently brutal psychopath and burn marks on her upper back/right shoulder blade and left outer thigh from where her father and her ex had their fun using her as an ashtray.

·         To which social class do you belong? :: Middle class. Working class.

·         Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses? :: Maryanne had carpal tunnel and severe arthritis in her left arm from it being broken a couple times by her lovely husband. After her mother died Bobby was cooking dinner one night and her father, who had been drinking all evening from end of work until right that moment, picked up his hammer and hit Bobby in the upper left arm twice, hard. She had to wear a cast for two months (part of that time an extension after being thrown against the wall another separate night that shattered the first incarnation of the cast) to heal the broken bone. Thus, sometimes when its too cold she has bouts where her left arm is weak, not able to carry heavy things, and there was minimal nerve damage in the hand as a result which means she can’t always feel too hot, or too cold. This does not impair her job as she isn’t responsible for surgery where the steadiest of hands are needed; thankfully Bobby’s aid in the field is at most a needle and thread for mending/stitches, of which she can do with her dominant hand.

·         Are you right- or left-handed? :: Right handed.

·         What does your voice sound like? :: Natalie Portman.

·         What words and/or phrases do you use very frequently? :: Y’all. Jesus Harold Christ on crooked crutches. Jiminy Christmas. Calm down there Satan.

·         What do you have in your pockets? :: A pocket knife with combination of other fold out tools. Mini canister of mace. Car and house keys in some verses. Apocalypse verses she sometimes carries car keys.

·         Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics? :: Bobby doesn’t consider anything she does as strange or annoying but just ask one of the people she considers family and he would say she talks too damn much. At least the other man in her life appreciates that she knows how to turn out the lights…

PART 2: GROWING UP

·         How would you describe your childhood in general? :: Stressful. Her days were constantly spent fearing what would happen when daddy got home, what mood would he be in, what would he do, would he just hurt mama or would he come after her and her siblings too…? Bobby grew up worrying about things no child should ever have to worry about or fear.

·         What is your earliest memory? :: Bobby doesn’t know for sure if this is a memory or some part of her subconscious trying to bring her peace, but in the quiet moments when she closes her eyes she can hear her mother’s voice softly singing to her as she’s being held, cradled in safe arms with worn delicate hands gently rubbing her back. “Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night and wouldn’t you love to love her…? Takes to the sky like a bird in flight and…who will be her lover? All your life you’ve never seen a woman…taken by the wind…”

·         How much schooling have you had? :: Bobby went through two years of high school before she was forced to drop out to care for her other siblings and make sure they got the best lives possible. It wasn’t perfect anyway, but she tried. She went back and got her GED when she turned 21. Immediately upon her father dying ( when she turned 19 ) she began putting some money away toward furthering her own education, enrolling in community college once her GED came through. She got a bachelor’s degree in science and biology, and earned certification and licensure as an EMT and trauma nurse.

·         Did you enjoy school? :: Bobby loved school. It was the only thing she could do outside the house that was usually constant and unbreakable, a schedule that the state decided for children and one her father couldn’t stop. This was she could be free of the worries and fears that usually plagued her days and simultaneously learn things about the world at large, all around her and beyond. It was refreshing and awe inspiring.

·         Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities? :: Anything she didn’t learn from her mother and her father ( positive or not ) she learned from school and the teachers and children in that environment.

·         While growing up, did you have any role models? If so, describe them. :: The only role model Bobby had growing up was her mother, Maryanne. Mama taught her the strength and the tenacity she needed to make it in the world, both in her father’s house, and later.

·         While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family? :: Bobby and her mother started as adult to child relationship and then at the end when her mother was dying Bobby became an almost equal to her mother, taking care of her and herself and the siblings she had. Likewise, with her siblings, it was mostly a jovial peer to peer relationship ( and what sibling relationship was complete without the occasional fight and attempted murder ), which eventually merged into a motherly feeling over them, protective of them when their mother passed. Her relationship with her father was always strained, always wary and tumultuous and it only worsened when Maryanne died. He became more possessive of the kids and Bobby feared being raped or sexually abused by him after a time ( she looked more like her mother than Kath did ) as he would get drunk and beat her, yelling things like ‘how dare you leave me’ and ‘I’ll show you something to cry about you weak whore.’ That relationship was strained and haunted until the day he died.

·         As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? :: She wanted to be an astronaut or a pirate. Anything that could take her far far away from where she was and keep her safe, eventually far enough to make her happy in life.

·         As a child, what were your favorite activities? :: Anything Bobby could do outside the house. She spent AGES outside in the woods, roaming with nowhere in her mind to go in particular; she could sit on a stump deep in the sea of green and just space out, let her mind wander for hours. She would try to fish. She made friends with small woodland creatures like something out of a Disney film. She sometimes sat alone out there all night, looking up into the moon under a blanket of stars and a bed made of fallen leaves and long grass.

·         As a child, what kinds of personality traits did you display? :: As a child, Bobby was pretty devoid of personality; at least when she was at home. At home and when she was alone she was quiet, too quiet. A mousy brown haired brown eyed little girl with nothing to say and who would lay low on purpose, anything not to catch her father’s attention. Outside of the house she often put on a brave face, smiling and laughing and acting like nothing was wrong. Sometimes she could even forget that she was a victim of domestic violence and forget her usual invisible act, coming out of herself and being herself, talkative ( almost too much talking for some ) and bright. Her light shines bright from within her and her strength and perseverance really show in her eyes.

·         As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like? :: Bobby was not a popular kid at school. She often sat alone or with her siblings. Even the losers didn’t want to sit with them because everyone knew what the Monroe home life was like and who their father was, what he did to them and their mother. No one would claim them as friends, at least not outwardly or in public.

·         When and with whom was your first kiss? :: Daniel Dunn was her first kiss in most all her verses. He was a messed up kid, a psychopath that was highly functioning and much too sadistic, even as far as most psychopaths are concerned. He used her and abused her for most of her young adult years, as her father had her mother. ( What was it they said about emulating what you saw as a child and being doomed to repeat it…? ) In one of her verses she has known Daryl Dixon all of her life and he is her first kiss…her first everything.

·         Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity? :: Same as the question above to be honest. Most of her verses features Daniel Dunn in that role, as fucked up and cruel as that is, and in the one it’s Daryl Dixon.

·         If you are a supernatural being (i.e. mage, werewolf, vampire), tell the story of how you became what you are or first learned of your own abilities. If you are just a normal human, describe any influences in your past that led you to do the things you do today. :: Bobby was definitely informed by her childhood and her mother’s and father’s relationship as far as what kind of person she wanted to become. She would consciously always pick a path that led her to be her mother, kind and sweet and a pure heart with passion despite being regularly beaten down and broken by outside influences because of her goodness. She was also inspired to become a trauma nurse thanks to all the times she had to help fix up her mom, her siblings and herself over the years, some of the things she’d come into schooling being self-taught after a bad couple of nights.

PART 3: PAST INFLUENCES

·         What do you consider the most important event of your life so far? :: The night Dan almost killed her and she survived, barely, to be present and the star witness at the trial that would send him to prison for at least 20 years for attempted premeditated murder. And every so many years when probation is brought before the review board, release for good behavior, she makes sure she’s available to speak. She even takes the day off work to make sure she can go down and make herself and her story with him heard.

·         Who has had the most influence on you? :: Mama.

·         What do you consider your greatest achievement? :: Bouncing back from being a high school dropout ( even though her reasoning was perfectly acceptable and understandable ), getting her GED and her degrees. Putting herself first. Finally.

·         What is your greatest regret? :: Bobby blames herself for her mother’s death. Obviously her mother became addicted to opioids and died of an aortic rupture, which were things no little girl could have realistically been able to help or prevent. Nonetheless she thinks, and has believed all her life that maybe she wasn’t strong enough to help her mother through the worst of their lives, to survive past it and watch her babies grow up and succeed in the way their mama had always wanted and hoped.

·         What is the most evil thing you have ever done? :: Bobby pulled the wings off a fly once. Another time she pulled the back legs off of a grasshopper. It was, in her mind ( at least as a pretense ) all for science, but some psychologists and therapists might think otherwise.

·         Do you have a criminal record of any kind? :: Bobby has gotten arrested a couple times, all for misdemeanor things like stealing a candy bar from a convenience store and for indecent exposure in her small town when she was caught with her pants down around the bend, side of the road, peeing in the brush while drunk.

·         When was the time you were the most frightened? :: Bobby was frightened to the same extent twice in her life. The first when her mother was being beaten for the last time ( which was also the night she died ) and when Bobby herself was being beaten and broken and nearly killed by Dan.

·         What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you? :: When she was 15 ( which is not a legal age of consent and no, I do not condone anything happening to minors, this is just FICTION ) she was being diddled by Dan in the back seat of his car ( he was older than she was by 2 years as well ) when she opened her eyes to find the window down and a couple of Dan’s older friends jerking themselves off to what Dan was doing to her, turning her on and playing with her. She immediately wanted to stop and thankfully there were other people walking by when she started screaming or she most likely would have been forced to continue against her will. It was both embarrassing for her and equally as dangerous and twisted a situation.

·         If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be, and why? :: Bobby often wishes she was older and stronger than she was when her mother died. She wants to be able to go back and take her siblings out of that environment altogether. She wants to have been able to maybe even save her mother.

·         What is your best memory? :: The ones alone in the woods. Anything where the woodlands creatures accepted her as a part of their world, knowing inherently she wouldn’t hurt them.

·         What is your worst memory? :: The way her mother died, in her arms, at home. There were no police and no ambulance until it was too late to save her, much too late.

PART 4: BELIEFS & OPINIONS

·         Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic? :: Optimistic.

·         What is your greatest fear? :: Being powerless and out of control of her own life.

·         What are your religious views? :: She’s spiritual but does not ascribe to any one particular religious sect or view. She tends to take a little of this and a little of that from various religions, whatever she feels she can identify with in the moment and incorporate into her lifestyle.

·         What are your political views? :: Progressive Liberal Independent.

·         What are your views on sex? :: The more the better. Well, provided it’s the right person and it’s consensual. Also, sometimes a little kinky if she trusts the person she’s with implicitly.

·         Are you able to kill? Under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable? :: In any verses where the apocalypse doesn’t exist ( or not yet ) she could only kill if it was someone threatening her life or the lives of her family/spouse/kids. In the apocalypse, she begins just as they all did, saying they would never kill the living, then only if she had to, and progressing until doing it regularly because she had to and there were rarely other options. Not to say there are moments when she should kill and doesn’t, for one reason or another, but she makes sure to weigh the call. Taking a life, being a healer as she is and continues to be, isn’t an easy call to make.

·         In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do? :: To abuse physically, emotionally, mentally, and/or sexually a child. To Bobby that is the most reprehensible crime.

·         Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love? :: Yes.

·         What do you believe makes a successful life? :: The impact one has on the world around them, whoever or whatever they touch/influence. What a person leaves behind, their legacy.

·         How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings (i.e. do you hide your true self from others, and in what way)? :: Bobby is pretty honest about her feelings now, almost to a detriment. She’s brutally honest about thoughts and feelings and has been pretty intense in all aspects of her life since her father died and set her free from the binds of her past.

·         Do you have any biases or prejudices? :: Bobby has biases against rapists and child molesters, child abusers and domestic violence offenders. Really, she feels as though anyone who breaks the law for more than stealing some food ( if a person is desperate to eat or feed their family ) they should do the time applicable to the crime.

·         Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why do you refuse to do it? :: Bobby doesn’t like to lie. She won’t do it. If asked to lie she will retreat from the conflict altogether, saying nothing to either party. If asked for the truth, therefore, she would have to tell the truth. Her replies at being asked to lie always include some formulation of ‘if you want to propagate lies and slander then do it in your name.’ Her refusal stems from years of her mother and her family lying to the authorities, to medical professionals, to the world about what they went through at her father’s hands. ( Whether they knew or not otherwise wasn’t the point. )

·         Who or what, if anything, would you die for (or otherwise go to extremes for)? :: Family and friends that have become family. Her spouse, her partner, the person she’s chosen to spend the rest of her life with. Her children, adopted or natural, blood or not.

PART 5: RELATIONSHIPS W/OTHERS

·         In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does your treatment of them change depending on how well you know them, and if so, how? :: Bobby is always guided by the other person. She will usually begin friendly and polite, if a bit wary and gruff depending on the circumstances. It always depends on the first impression and expression of the other person how she reacts and treats them from there, forward. Sometimes a rude or dislike situation can be changed over time if both parties work toward making it positive or a catalyst turns the dynamic around. Likewise, if someone starts off friendly with her it can turn to dislike and even hatred if given the right cataclysm. She read this quote once that she lives by : ‘if you feel it necessary to judge me by my past, don’t be surprised when I put you in it.’ Most often, however, if a person is able to get past all the walls she’s built over time against being hurt viscerally by someone intimately, they’re in her heart and they’re usually there for good.

·         Who is the most important person in your life, and why? :: It depends on the verse. Sometimes all she has left are her brother and sister. Other verses are dependent on her family/attachments/spouses/significant others. Rick, Shane, Daryl, Charley, etc. Family is important to Bobby, especially at the end of the world. Her children are first and foremost the most important people in her life in the verses in which she has them.

·         Who is the person you respect the most, and why? :: Carol. No matter what verse is concerned, this holds true. She sees a lot of her mother in Carol. A lot of the same strengths and hopes and dreams that have been tramped down by a man with a heavy hand and an awfully small constitution. Of all the people Bobby has the pleasure to meet in all her travels and all her realities, Carol is the one person she loves and supports and looks up to the most.

·         Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend? Describe these people. :: Bobby has very few friends in the real world. As stated before she was never a popular kid growing up and only got any recognition for her beauty by boys or girls with one thing on the mind. The only people she considers as true friends she made after the world as she knew it already ended. Carol. Daryl. Rick. Shane. Maggie. Glenn. Enid. King Ezekiel. Jerry. Jesus. Aaron. Etc. The only exception to this is the verse where she’s known Daryl all her life; in that case she’s always had him. He is her best friend. And her cat, Patches, a gray and white tabby cat with darker gray almost black ears, definitely constitutes as a best friend.

·         Do you have a spouse or significant other? If so, describe this person. :: Daryl – nickname Tracker; annoyed and frustrated with how much she talks but loves her for it anyway and finds it kind of endearing despite himself; afraid of intimacy in the same way that she is and was and what makes them a good fit is their willingness now to grow together solely with one another; can’t live with her and can’t live without her; hillbilly grump with the most honest, pure, innocent heart of anyone she knows. Shane – nickname Deputy; knows who the real boss of the house is; is probably afraid of Bobby…maybe…like a lot; strong willed, passionate, and has an easy anger reflex; they fight a lot about the silliest things but it always come back to love; the thing he probably loves the most about her is that she knows how to turn the damn lights off. Rick – no nickname as yet; he really stepped into the leader role over the time they’ve known each other; Bobby never expected to follow him as closely as she does now; they don’t always agree but they rarely actually fight; he’s the epitome of calm and problem solving in dire situations; he’d walk through Hell and all its fire for her and his kids and probably everyone else he cares for and that’s the one thing she loves the most above all else about him. Mac – nickname Cupcake; strictly a fanfiction/headcanon ship at this point; used to ship this pairing exclusively with macxtheanimal way back when; a meth head, rapist, murderer, criminal, muscle and enforcer for his father’s crystal meth operation; he’s a villain that makes no apologies for his actions but she can see the broken little boy in him, abandoned by his mother so long ago to his father’s lifestyle; kept her hostage as a sex slave for a long time until they had an intimate exchange one night and she whispered to him that she just wanted to be free to make the choice; he let her go, saying she was free and he knew she’d always leave because they all did if given a chance; she stayed. {{ All are subject to change based on verse or partner writing this with us. Mostly these listings as spouses or SO’s are exclusive right now to wexarethewalkingxdead and macxtheanimal. }}

·         Have you ever been in love? If so, describe what happened. :: She’s only been in love a couple times in her life. ( Verse dependent. ) It almost always ends in pain and suffering for her, be it physically or emotionally, but there are a few over the verses/years that she’s found true happiness with.

·         What do you look for in a potential lover? :: Connection. Chemistry. Sexy/pretty eyes. Rough pads of their hands and they have to be steady and firm. Stable.

·         How close are you to your family? :: Bobby and her siblings are VERY close, even though they don’t live in the same place anymore. Sometimes herself and her sister Kath haven’t always been as close as they should have been. Those moments are almost always based on imagined slights of some kind because Bobby is and always has been an outspoken person; she never sugar coats things that should be communicated. It follows in the same vein as her always being truthful. Hence, sometimes hurt feelings. Bobby and the people she’s come to think of as family are likewise, VERY close with these same issues of hurt feelings now and again, resulting mostly in a short time of silence or avoidance between the parties.

·         Have you started your own family? If so, describe them. If not, do you want to? Why or why not? :: This is dependent on her verses. In some she does make a family with someone special. In others she hasn’t, whether because she hasn’t found that someone yet or because she’s afraid of finding a man like her father and subjecting herself to the same life her mother lived prior to her death – not to mention subjecting any children they might have to that lifestyle.

·         Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help? :: Bobby would turn to her siblings first, provided it was something they could solve realistically. If they aren’t available or they can’t fix it because they live out of state, etc, the next stop would be her chosen family, friends she’s made along the way that would go the extra mile for her, and she for them.

·         Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why? :: Very few people and they have to prove themselves to her with their deeds, not just words and promises coming off lips and tongues that have lied so many times they probably don’t even know they’re doing it anymore.

·         If you died or went missing, who would miss you? :: Her family ( her brother and sister ) have been living in different states from her for quite a few years now but that doesn’t mean they’ve become distant. They would definitely miss her. Also any of the family she’s made in the apocalypse. Obviously this is verse dependent.

·         Who is the person you despise the most, and why? :: Actually, I think Bobby despises her mother the most of anyone she’s ever known in her life. It’s a very complicated relationship. Bobby still loves her mother; while she was alive she was the only kindness Bobby and her siblings knew. She was strong and endured a lot but that same strength could also be considered weakness. Why couldn’t she have left their father? Why couldn’t she have taken them away and made a go of it on their own? Maybe she’d be alive today. Maybe a lot of things. So Bobby is constantly fighting with love and hate for the woman that bore her.

·         Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict? :: Bobby has a good sense for whatever a situation calls for, usually. In most circumstances she will listen and hear someone out before saying her piece. But she is southern and strong willed, a stiff backbone, and sometimes the outrage comes dripping off her teeth like venom before she can stave them off. In moments when she can’t be smart and hold her tongue, and even when she does, Bobby is a woman who is definitely not afraid of conflict if she feels the situation calls for it.

·         Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations? :: Bobby is strong enough to take the weight of the world on her shoulders. It certainly depends on what the situation is, but in the case of her primary verse – in the Walker apocalypse – she doesn’t hold back. As a healer, a nurse, she will absolutely take on a leadership role if one is needed. If another leader is present, and she respects that person, they will only gain support from her; likewise, if they do not have her respect, all they will get it push-back until they either utilize her and her ideas to their potential or she potentially replaces them as the leader. She’s very strong but she is versatile. She knows when to step back and let things shake loose.

·         Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not? :: Bobby has always been a little bit of a loner. She’d personable but she also likes her alone time. As previously discussed, there wasn’t a lot of silent time in her home and she much rather would have been somewhere alone with her thoughts instead of lined up ready to catch a beating. Large crowds do tend to make her a little anxious. She’d much rather only deal with a few people at a time.

·         Do you care what others think of you? :: Bobby does care what other people thing of her, to an extent. She doesn’t dwell on it, however, and if there are ever opinions that are misconstrued or wrong she will make sure not to ever think on those things again. The only thing that usually can get to Bobby is when people she loves and is devoted to make comments to her that can be considered derogatory or hurtful, judging.

PART 6: LIKES & DISLIKES

·         What is/are your favorite hobbies and pastimes? :: Hiking and taking walks in the lush green forests. Photography. Reading. Her grandma taught her mother how to sew and thus, taught Bobby enough to get by; those nursing lessons on stitching wounds up didn’t hurt either.

·         What is your most treasured possession? :: Patches. He is a grey and white tabby cat with dubious bloodline origin with black ears. She’s had him with her for a long time and she’d walk through fire for him if she had to.

·         What is your favorite color? :: Blue.

·         What is your favorite food? :: Seafood boil.

·         What, if anything, do you like to read? :: Bobby is an always will be a fan of anything she can get her hands on. She does go through moods, however, devoted to certain genres over the others. Predominantly she reads works of fiction about murder and crime, who done its and thrillers. Horror novels are a must as well. A favorite series of hers is the By The Numbers novels about Stephanie Plum and her life fumble bumbling through the Bounty Hunter business by Janet Evanovich. Romance novels, unless well written with a predominant plot encompassing one of the aforementioned genres, can go suck lemons!

·         What is your idea of good entertainment (consider music, movies, art, etc.)? :: Bobby is mostly a music person. Movies are fine and television can captivate her attention if its done well but there’s nothing better than putting in a CD, or plugging her headphones into her phone’s jack and playing some tunes on the digital frequency. It sets the mood, no matter what that mood is, 100% of the time.

·         Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs? If so, why? Do you want to quit? :: Bobby used to smoke. It was something to do with her hands and a nervous tick that she adopted mostly in crowded groups of people to help calm her nerves in those situations. Social smoking. Whether or not she still does it verse dependent. Bobby also drinks alcoholic beverages but within reason and rarely ever to excess.

·         How do you spend a typical Saturday night? :: In the apocalypse there is a lot to do, all of the time. There’s never a dull moment. Saturdays are usually reserved for whatever needs doing that wasn’t done the day before, as well as making time for family and friends trying to reclaim what was stolen from them by the world as it exists now. In the other verses where the world is normal, Saturdays are usually reserved for family time, the park, the zoo, barbecues with family and friends, etc. On the rare occasion work comes calling – she is an emergency room nurse – she will sometimes go in. And sometimes not.

·         What makes you laugh? :: Stupid jokes, dad jokes, horrible puns. Her husband. Her kids. New airings and reruns of America’s Funniest Home Videos.

·         What, if anything, shocks or offends you? :: Racism, sexism, ableism, homophobia, slurs and swear words used in conjunction with said slurs and behavior, etc. Anything that could be considered along the same vein by small minded people who are afraid of anything they don’t know and haven’t bothered to become educated about/in.

·         What would you do if you had insomnia and had to find something to do to amuse yourself? :: Insomnia does sometimes strike. It happens in those moments when something exceptionally traumatic happens at work or there happens to be a scare with her husband, kids, or siblings/family, those moments when she’s in the dark of the night, sometimes alone, with her own thoughts and fears. Sometimes there is no amusing herself. Sometimes she has to talk herself down off a very high ledge. Sometimes she has to wake up her significant other ( if present ) just to know they’re there, they’re alive. Sometimes the heartbeat and the steady breathing isn’t enough.

·         How do you deal with stress? :: Bobby reads. She keeps her hands busy cooking, cleaning, and caring for her family. Killing Walkers in the apocalypse, keeping a tight perimeter. Yoga and pilates in the verses where the world hasn’t changed.

·         Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan? :: Bobby is usually a very plan oriented person. She’s learned over the years that the only way to be is concerned, vigilant, if a bit controlling. That isn’t to say that she’s a control freak, but she does have strong opinions and will be heard on them. She wishes she was more spontaneous and sometimes makes attempts to purposely exit her comfort zone in certain situations she deems it appropriate, such as her sex life, dates, etc.

·         What are your pet peeves? :: People who can’t follow directions or laws of an ordered society. People who lie or steal unless circumstances are such that would overwrite the negative or somehow make an allowance for it. People who judge others or presume to tell other people their business when they don’t even have their lives together.

PART 7: SELF IMAGES & OTHER

·         Describe the routine of a normal day for you. How do you feel when this routine is disrupted? :: Regardless of what her work schedule works like ( days or evenings ) Bobby gets up around 5 a.m. daily. She makes coffee through the slits of her eyelids. She then returns to the bathroom where she showers and brushes her teeth. By that time she usually is ready to start breakfast for herself and whoever else is present. Morning shifts she works until 3 p.m. She will usually run any errands she has to do at that time before coming home and making dinner. Night shifts she works until 11 p.m. doing the errands and prepping dinner before leaving for the night for her shift. If her routine happens to be interrupted or subverted in any way, she usually gets a little perturbed, might make a dramatic comment about everything being a mess, and carrying on with things as best as she can.

·         What is your greatest strength as a person? :: Her heart and her generosity. It helped her overcome a lot of odds that were stacked against her from the beginning.

·         What is your greatest weakness? :: Her heart. Sometimes she’s loyal to a fault even though the people she let inside of it use her and abuse her. Also her stubborn as a mule attitude and her stiff backbone. When she’s made up her mind there’s very precious little that can change it.

·         If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? :: How her past shaped her to be numb and emotionless in certain situations that require feeling. She doesn’t always respond in the right ways to tragedy or loss. Sometimes not responding at all. It’s a more calloused wounded part of herself she wished she didn’t have.

·         Are you generally introverted or extroverted? :: Generally extroverted but in small doses. Large gatherings or venues kept to a minimum.

·         Are you generally organized or messy? :: Organized.

·         Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at. :: Good – 1) Problem solving, 2) Nursing/healing, 3) Being a wife and mother. Bad – 1) Spontaneity, 2) Letting go, 3) Cleaning vomit.

·         Do you like yourself? :: Yes. For the most part.

·         What are your reasons for being an adventurer (or doing the strange and heroic things that RPG characters do)? Are your real reasons for doing this different than the ones you tell people in public? (If so, detail both sets of reasons…) :: It’s a choice you make. When things get difficult, what kind of person would you want to be? If a child cries in the dark, scared, alone; would you help them? Or would you turn away? Tell yourself it’s not your concern. If a mother and father are fighting for their child’s life as the child is being physically removed from their arms, wounded, killed before them. Would you intervene if you could? Or turn your back? Would you do everything you could because you have the ability, because you have the choice or do you do nothing, make the choice not to, and perhaps blood be on your hands…? It’s a choice she makes every day to do better, to be someone she could be proud of, that her family would remember and be proud of long after she was gone. Her sacrifice, if needed, would not be in vane.

·         What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime? :: Leave the world a little better than she found it.

·         Where do you see yourself in 5 years? :: She can’t say. She hopes to be alive and well, actually living a life and happy within its confines. But she knows that may never come. Not even tomorrow is guaranteed…

·         If you could choose, how would you want to die? :: Old and grey in her sleep. In the apocalypse, if she could choose and she was bitten/injured beyond the ability to be healed, she would want to shoot herself in the head before changing. She wouldn’t want to leave it for any of her loved ones to do; she doesn’t want that burden to be on their soul.

·         If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left. :: 1) Write little notes or letters to those she loved who would miss her and feel her loss the most. 2) Love on and spend a lot of time with the children, 3) Clean, load, cock and ready her gun and wait.

·         What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death? :: Her kindness. How many people she helped. How far out of her way she sometimes went to make that happen.

·         What three words best describe your personality? :: Brave, Generous, and Loyal

·         What three words would others probably use to describe you? :: Bold, Daring, and Realistic

·         If you could, what advice would you, the player, give to your character? (You might even want to speak as if he or she were sitting right here in front of you, and use proper tone so he or she might heed your advice…) :: Bobby. You are without a doubt the biggest pain in my ass, second only to Shane and Daryl. You are the most generous, kind, loyal person I’ve ever had the pleasure to know. You’re also one of the most stubborn. A word of advice might be you think too much. You plan and you organize and you get shit done. I get it. But sometimes, you’re a little too extra. Learn what it’s like to be a girl. Let your hair down more. Unscrew the dick sometimes. It’s fun being a girl. And I know that you know that but you’re too afraid to lose control because you think if you do you’ll lose everything good you ever had. And I know it’s because you don’t think you deserve all the good you have received over the years. You’re beauty. You’re grace. You’re the kind of person I wish I could be sometimes; but you need to be a little less afraid of what you could lose and more willing to risk it all. A man in my life asked me once if a moment of happiness was worth a lifetime of anything else. And the answer is yes.

#ic #about Bobby #• you got some beach ball sized lady nuts on you • { bobby monroe } #character development

[roswellroamer]

Day 21. February 19, 2020. Havelock to Kaikōura. 180km.

Yeah, it is really something how your whole psyche may be uplifted by a weather improvement. I mean I'm a pretty positive guy but after a few dreary days it really puts a spring in your step (well my step anyway) when you awaken to a sunny blue sky morning. Walked across the street to have a coffee. Well, a cappuccino that looked more like a chocolate pudding before I dipped my spoon through the froth. Headed out after packing around 9 and enjoyed the gold waving grasses on the hills that had mostly been cleared of timber. Stark contrast to the green pine trees on the few that weren't deforested. Up and over a ridge line and dropped into the Marlborough valley, which is as I mentioned yesterday lined with vineyard after vineyard. 🍇 Very scenic. Pic above. I also included a shot from my seafood pasta from Slip Inn last night as it was delicious. We wound down the highway and took a few side roads, one by accident to avoid some of Blenheim but it doesn't take long to get through this town. We aimed for The Store. It is a well situated and busy cafe on the beach just north of Clarence. My salmon bagel with pickled red onion, capers and cream cheese was perfect. The orange and chocolate muffin wasn't bad either. 😋 Washed down with an Awaka Tasman Bay Berries sparkling coconut water. Walked down a manicured lawn to the beach. Pic. The rest of the ride to Kaikõura was along a rocky coastline with mountains on the right and loads of construction zones with flag men and some slow traffic as a result. Seal colonies were scattered along the rocks to our left and we stopped at a couple overlooks to get them on "film". We turned right at a brown marker sign indicating an Irish hotel. The Donegal House is proud of their well documented Irish ancestry dating back 150 years. It was a beautiful setting and a Guinness nicely complemented the setting and we sat for a while.

Kaikōura was less than 10' down the road and we rode to the town center to check it out. The water color today was really a nice turquoise hue and the setting here with white rocks, a peninsula and the surrounding mountains make it a hot spot for tourists. Whale watching by boat and air is popular here. Saw some surfers in the water a few bays north of town. Have definitely seen and heard more Americans in the last couple days in the NE quadrant of the South Island. We were able to check in to the motel even though we were slightly ahead of the official time. Bella Vista may have been a misnomer but it was clean and fine. Cleaned up and rode out along the shoreline to the peninsula. Food carts, campers, swimmers, people walking. It felt like a summer resort today for maybe the first time here. About 2-3PM real fog started to stream over the hills surrounding Kaikōura and toward the water. Mostly dissipating but visually cool to watch a la San Francisco. After a brief discussion we made reservations at the place the innkeeper recommended though the only available time was 5PM. A bit embarrassed to be eating this early but opting to go to the Pier Hotel anyway. Not like anyone is gonna read about my early bird ways, right?! 😉 Went into town after a number of stops for pics along the water and did a little shopping before getting a Panhead 🍺 at the Strawberry Tree. We then headed to join nobody but a few tables at the Pier. Right by the water about a mile down the road out onto the peninsula. Within a half hour or :45, all tables were full. Garlic bread was ordered to accompany the seafood platter. Whitebait (whole tiny fish), calamari, abalone, gurnard, salmon and a mini mussels pot with seaweed salad. 👍 Stuffed, we rode to Groper Garage to wind down the evening. This town has some nightlife it seems (not like Queenstown with discos until 4AM!) but we concluded the night in embarrassingly early fashion as we had started it just a few hours before. One pic above reflects the assortment of Maps.me location pins that I have been sporadically recording on this very useful app. I have found it is nearly as capable as any GPS app and once (before the trip) maps are downloaded there is no data requirement to use it. This is a nice way to not only navigate as needed without phone service but also to record a log of some stops along the way so I could go back on the app anytime and retrace my "steps". Most everywhere it is possible to ride on this island has been ridden these past 20 days. Great day. Easy day. Fun day. Only one more to go and the Kiwi 2020 adventure will draw to a close. It has been fantastic. 🇳🇿 🏍

#kaikoura #newzealand #advrider #motoadventure

[tatooedlaura-blog]

Midnight Confessions

the series read as follows:

Superman … Monday … Cheezy Pouffs … Bacon … Stumbling … Trail Mix …  Punch … Friday … Preparation … Uncle Mudler … Normal … Backseat … Mudler-sense … The FBI … Unthinkable … Patience … Elephant Jokes … Cooking … Rickety Tables … Mr. Skimmer ... Bert and Ernie

___________________

Mulder stood, fumbled, stumbled, dragged himself from the bed, Scully’s arm trapped up inside his shirt for a few moments until she woke enough to grab a fistful of cotton to slow him down, “Mulder? Wher’you goin’?

She could see his eyes still shut, hands groping for traction, finding her shoulder instead, “Toby. I thought I heard him fall out of bed again.”

Blinking towards the alarm clock, “Mulder?”

He stopped, blood circulating enough to help him remember, “they’re not here, are they?”

“No. Come back to bed.”

He swayed another second or two, then crawled his way back to their pillow, having lost the second pillow to the floor sometime earlier. Slinging his arm over her hip, settling hand on bare belly beneath a non-judgmental Ernie smile, “I miss them.”

Her hand ran up and down his forearm, “I know. I do, too.”

Lips searching, finding, kissing her raised scar, his warm breath drifted through neckline flyaways, “can I tell you something?”

She loved his 1am conjectures, his 4am secrets, his 2:45am rants and his 10:48pm cravings but most of all, she worshiped his soft, luscious, midnight smooth confessions, sweeter than honey to the ear, sleeker than velvet to the touch, “of course.”

Tightening his grip on her waist, truth dropped from his lips to shatter on her soul, “I would like to have a baby with you. I would love to see her running in that pack of hoodlums you call nieces and nephews. I want her to do her best to keep up with Jake and be best friends with Toby and constantly ask Sam questions and build sandcastles on the beach with Betsy and call Maggie ‘Grama’ and look so much like you that I stop and stare every time I see her, wondering how in the world I could have ever hoped to produce someone with even an ounce of your beauty.”

Midnight smooth confessions triggered 12:05 wonderment as she questioned over her shoulder, afraid that looking at him would break her glass shield into 10,000 pieces, stumbling words holding staggering weight, “you … want … you want to have a baby with me? Mulder, I … you know that I …” Finally turning to her back, not meeting his gaze but speaking to the ceiling, “I can’t.”

He hadn’t known he’d been churning the idea until he produced the finish product, clean, complete and ready for contemplation, his mouth beside her ear, studying each eyelash in turn as he told her quietly, “I know … but can you imagine it?”

Her eyelashes twitched, closing, scrunching, finally releasing the smallest of tears to remain unfallen on her lashes, “every day.”

“Can we imagine it for a little while right now? Would that be okay?”

Keeping her world dark, she nodded, her voice quiet, “girl?”

“I like the idea of a girl. A whirlwind flurry of questions and comments and concerns, open to answers and always wondering what else was out there. She’d have dark red hair but skin that tans in the summer, green eyes and those beautiful ears of yours.”

“Definitely some of your height, though, at least get her to 5’ 6”. Give her a fighting chance at clothing stores and with tall cupboards.”

He nearly snorted his amusement in her ear but was too far enmeshed in the fantasy to surface for anything, “I’ll do my best. If the first one looks like they’re gonna be short, we’ll just keep trying until we get one that can look me in the eye.”

“I can do that.” Finally able to open her eyes back up, take in his close proximity and earnest expression without blubbering outright, “I want her to be able to draw or play an instrument or just … have that one good thing she can go back to when her world turns on itself and she feels all alone in it.”

Hand on her cheek now, thumb lazily running lines from cheekbone to ear, “I’ll start a piano lesson fund tomorrow.”

“And buy lots of crayons and paper.”

“And buy lots of crayons and paper.”

Scully could see that world, almost touch it, craving the warmth of a child inside her, “I’d be all enormous. I’d need you to tie my shoes.”

His hand drifted from face down chest, up and under shirt until his hand spanned her lower abdomen, stretching wide, finding both hipbones and pressing lightly in between, “they would live right here. You’d be someone’s home, Scully. You’d be their first home, their safest place, their comfort, their world. They’d only know you, know your heartbeat, know your stomach gurgles. They’d hear you all the time, your blood in their veins, your voice in their ears, they’d know you from their first moment to their last. I’ve never thought about it but they will know you their entire life. You will be their first and greatest.”

He had her at ‘somebody’s home’ and tears filled, then ran, overflowing her ears and soaking the pillow below, “I changed my mind. I can’t play make-believe with you right now. I’m sorry.”

His hand tightened on her, his voice filling her, “I’m the one who’s sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”

She shook her head, “you’re not pushing me, I just … I’ve had that dream for so long I had to let it go. Self-flaggelation is one thing, outright soul destruction is quite another.”

Smushing his nose into her temple, he skimmed kisses over her skin, “I love us just like we are, big maps and scary guns and Smurf t-shirts all rolled into one. I don’t care that we’ll never have kids, I swear, I just went stupid for a minute and buried you in my fantasy. I should have kept it to myself.”

Finally, she turned, nose bumping nose, a quick kiss before drifting her hand up to cradle his face, “I have the same dream, I promise you. My heart just can’t take it right now. Not after the last week. Besides, do you really see either of us toting big guns and diaper bags?”

“We’d quit. You’d quit. I’d quit. I’d teach somewhere. You’d slice somewhere else. We’d come home and help with homework and make Play-Doh and cookies.”

Having to shut down right then or fly to pieces, she moved her head in order to reach his mouth, kissing him lightly, then more insistent, “I need to stop thinking. Can you help me with that?”

Mulder put his dreams back behind their door in the far corners of his mind and roaming a hand from her side to under the loose fabric of her shorts, “roll on your back for me again, please.”

As she complied, she held his gaze, “still love me even though I’m crazy?”

And he smiled, fingers finding their mark with warm, flowing ease, “couldn’t love you more if I tried. Now shut up and kiss me again like it’s 1939.”

#msr #velvet to vexatious #xfiles fanfic #xf fanfic #Life part 2 series #my writing

[nikelyzed]

JSeries Festival 2017 Report

Jakarta, 9th December Upperroom Annex Building 10th Floor

First of all sorry this report was written on broken English because I do believe it’ll be a total fiasco if I wrote it in Indonesian, trust me Please forgive me if there’s any grammar / spelling mistakes (´;ㅿ;｀) Also, taking photos was strictly prohibited when the talk show started inside the venue, that’s why I only have 4 badly taken photos on the photo session for the report orzz

If you’re looking for certain guest artist report please just scroll down because it’s gonna be a poorly written long ass report LMAO

This is the shortest dead-lined trip I ever done in my life, like it’s less than 2 weeks & I almost surrender because of office deadlines were crammed up into 4 days Also my phone was broken when the announcement was out Jakarta is a complicated place & I’m hella afraid straying there all alone, but luckily I have some friends who offer me place to stay ｡ﾟ(ﾟ^o^ﾟ)ﾟ｡

Special thanks to Maya & Shadent who let me stay at their place [and I still feel bad kicking Maya from her bed LMAO I’m so sorry orzz]

December 8th 2017

So the day before I was going to Jakarta, I woke up at 4am to pack my stuff but still almost late for the train departure LOL The train supposed to depart at 7.35am & I just arrived at the station at 7.20am I was running around like an idiot I swear 😂

I arrived in Jakarta at 11am  went to the ticket venue as soon as I can I met with friends I already know & some new friends, which I forgot--😂 They even let me touch their bromide collection [& took photo of it gsxcvjgacxg]

I’m screeching like an idiot when I saw SatoKiyo bromide because-- do I need to explain this part???  ((유∀유|||))

After exchanging email reservation with the ticket & having lunch, we went to karaoke & I almost lost my voice in the process

At night I really want to bang my head because I’m contemplating whether I should draw a gift for Ogotan or not since there’s no announcement of gift box for guest artist & I forgot to ask the staff about it too orzz But I decided to draw art gift for him in the night yet unable to finish because I was too sleepy, exhausted, & nearly heat-stroked because Jakarta heat is never a joke to begin with If you’re weak against sun-heat like me please bring umbrella / hat & put as many sunscreen & sunblock as you can, I mean it

December 9th 2017

The next day I woke up at 4am sharp but was shocked to my spine because Maya was sleeping on the floor instead on the bed  (´･_･`) Since we both still sleepy we decided to continue sleeping again but now it’s my turn to sleep on the floor ofc

We woke up again at 7am & doing satan speed preparations because the traffic is gonna be nasty if we’re late for real

We managed to arrived on the venue at 9am something I took a shortcut to get to the empty spot because my bag is hecking heavy & I can’t wait to sit, this resulting to the gate-border-thing to snap & fall, sorry security-san I’m too eager orzz

After that we sit on the line until open gate time I spend my time rolling around back & forth to some friends while waiting I even can continue the gift for Ogotan & finished it on time Since we forgot to buy envelope for the fan letter I decided to sacrifice my red folder file to contain all the letter for Ogotan

I swear I was nervous as heck when people start staring at it like hjvghcvaxhjdvvf no I’m not cheating on Ryuji this is just a normal gift yet some people still teasing me about it until now ((유∀유|||))

Oh I also met friends from previous karaoke session Alchemilla, Caneera, Kuyo, Maya, Evelyn, Salfa, Shadent, Nopi, Ika, Nindita, Nadya, & idk the rest please remind me because my memory was as bad as Higekiri or even worse---  ┏( .-. ┏ ) ┓

2:45pm Open Gate

We’re running a little bit late from schedule but finally we entered the hall I got the first row seat on the middle wing, I sit on the left side right across to the press chair row on the left wing Never have I felt so blessed before, it’s so close to the stage I swear I can even jump over the fence if I want to, but of course I won’t do that la I still have some sanity intact

The rest of this report was based on my memory so please kindly tell me if I made any mistake over the schedule / what the artist said or do OK?  |ω･`)

The MC was Hiroaki Kato [the cool & kind oyaji] also a pretty lady who I failed to remember her name oops sorry  (´･_･`)

In the opening we have many dorama screenings, & if you’re curious the list of dorama can be found here 

Saso Yuki fangirl section

The first guest artist to appeared was Saso Yuki the P*cari Sweat girl on youtube I never think she will be this pretty up close I swear she’s prettier IRL, the photo / video you saw were nothing hvfkacvxgyuedf  (///﹏///).｡oஇ

She greets & introduces herself in Indonesian. The rest of talk show was about acting & stuff. She also talk about the making of P*cari Sweat TVC Yuki Saso hope Indo & Japan can have greater relationship in the near future

IDK if it’s just me, but when I was too busy gaping like a fish & stare at her for solid minutes, she look at my direction and waved and smiled so bright AND I JUST DIED HDVGSHHJVCSJBC I swear she’s sooooooooo sooooooooooooooo pretty that you could melt when she’s smiling LOL I forgot things she said since I was dumb-strucked by her beauty

After that we had another screening time

Nano fangirl section

The next guest artist to perform was Nano She’s also gorgeous up close & she’s very happy to perform in Indonesia since she was cancelling her previous concert in Jakarta due to some circumstances She also told us that the venue her concert supposed to be held was this exact venue we’re sitting on & we’re going “whoaaa” in unison

When Nano was going to sing, the sound system died--- The audience was very supportive & cheer her up with kind words The Nano support team was amazing, you guys rocks!  (≧∇≦ ) If I’m not mistaken Nano sing “Savior of Song” & “The Crossing” It was amazing performance, we stand & sing along together

Next we have another screening time

Isomura Hayato & Yahagi Honoka fangirl section

After screening time, there’s guest artist arrived & I scream on top of my lungs because I thought it was Ogotan But false alarm, It’s actually Isomura Hayato from Kamen Rider Ghost & I still screamed anyway  ( ´༎ຶㅂ༎ຶ`) This talk session was also attended by Yahagi Honoka-chan & I was dumb-strucked by another beauty LMAO Seriously she’s so cute up close  (灬ºωº灬)♡

Their first impression of Indonesia was it’s hot but they both like it since its freezing winter on Japan Both talk a lot of things, about acting & stuff. Both were asked if there’s drama collaboration with Indonesia will they interested or not but of course the fans said the deadpanned big big no since Indonesia soap opera quality is kinda-- well-- you decide la--😂

I don’t remember what they talk because I forgot to take notes of it But there’s this section when Hayato-kun asked why he become a Kamen Rider, he said it’s his dream to protect girls [he clearly said ‘Josei’ here] Hiroaki-san teases us “Who want to be protected by Hayato-kun?” And this dork whose name is Hayato-kun just casually stretch his hands out to audience direction while nodding, like offering a hug Of course the fangirls roars the signature “KYAAAAAAAA” including me Who don’t want to be protected by a handsome guy anyway??  (//∇//)

Another funny thing, when I was staring right into Hayato-kun [he’s so gorgeous IRL I swear] idk if he realized I was staring or he’s actually looking at the press which is right across my seat-- He look at my direction A LOT & I pretend to stare at Honoka-chan, this happened many many times it feels awkward LMAO o)-(;;; I keep chanting “Hayato-kun please don’t look over here, just lemme enjoy your gorgeous face peacefully”, but he keep looking at my direction once in a while Oh well, considered it blessings  ( ´༎ຶㅂ༎ຶ`)

When the times up we had another screening TADAAAAAH it’s YOWAPEDAAAAAAA I was soooooo prepared to see Ogotan but since I can see towards the backstage entrance it’s actually a female silhouette walking to the stage

AND DAFUQ IT’S ACTUALLY YUKI KATO LMAO  😂 😂 😂

Being a country field person I’m, I still scream because she was also one of my childhood fav actress on Heart movie since she’s so cute & relatable as duck LMAO

She talked a lot about acting, awards she won in Japan, & so on The funny part is, when she was asked what kind of movie she like to watch she gesture “mampus gue” with her lips which can be roughly translated as “sht I’m screwed” 😂   

No worries Yuki-chan, we understand that fangirl feeling, really 😂 😂 😂

After talk with Yuki-chan, the kameko-ninja-guy set some band property so I relax a little, thinking it was Rei performance

Never been I’d be so wrong in my life

Ogoe Yuuki massive fangirl section

When Hiroaki-san announce the next guest artist I nearly fell of my chair because FINALLY OGOTAN APPEARED HOLYDUCKXVHSVKVXHTXAKOZ

I wonder if I actually died on the spot because Ogotan look so gorgeous & cute & pure & angelic idk man I’m wheezing my life out  (´×ω×`) He wore a suit which has the same color as my attire & I got teased again orzz

First he was greeting us with a broken Indonesian along with a sheepish smile His jumbled face when he ask Hiroaki-san how to read the Indonesian language, it was soooo so cute, so pure, so angelic, so fluffy hhhnnnggghhhhhhh He continue the gibberish Indonesian greetings cutely which we all failed to understand, the audience went “???” & he also went a little “???”  😂 

Its okay Ogotan, we still love you 😂 

His first impression of Indonesia was it’s extremely hot ofc Hiroaki-san offered if he had any intention to bike around while in Indo But of course the Ogotan support team won’t let him, giving him the no gestures and chanting “dame-dame-dame” together  😂  We don’t want Ogotan to bike in these messy road & of course Indonesian sun is unhealthy for his flawless skin so NOPE  ლ(ಠ益ಠლ WE SHALL PROTECT OGOTAN AT ANY COST!! - said someone

He talked about acting, dorama, and also butai. He explained to us the differences between dorama & butai, their specialty & so on For example is when he’s on Yowapeda butai he only use bike handle, while in dorama he need to bike for real

Between the talk he sends lots lots of heart gestures, both Korean heart finger sign & full fledged love hand sign toward the audience & there goes the audible “KYAAAAA” signature roaring from back to the front including me LMAO

He keep smiling & shooting heart & sending loves & waving & idk man

I feel so attacked when he look at a folder file I was carrying earlier I decided to showed it to him when he’s looking & making “it’s for you” hand gestures He smiled at me, HE SMILED AT ME FOR DUCK SAKE & SEND ME A FULL FLEDGET HEART SIGN WITH BOTH HAND & I JUST MELT IN THE NAME OF LORD I WAS NEARLY DIED LMAO  ｡ﾟ( ﾟஇωஇﾟ)ﾟ｡

It’s hecking embarrassing so I just cover my face with the folder file but Ogotan seems to know I was a weakling & he keep shooting me heart sign & tilt his head cutely & I died again & again LMAO OGOTAN STOPPP I CAN’T HANDLE IT GXBXCHSGLGBLTFXGKHS

[I need to apologize to Ryuji later I swear]

He talks about a lot of stuff but I barely remember what he talk on stage since what I heard & remember were just "KYAAA KYAAA KYAA” from start to the end I kinda feel bad for Hiroaki-san because his translations were drowned between sea of fangirl screams  ( ；∀；)

When the talk session time is up, there goes another fangirl scream, the saddest one you’ll ever heard, it feels like you just kicked a kitten / puppy

I was also started crying without I realize because I always cry when fangirling By I mean crying was rolling literal tears from my eyes because I’m a weakling to every people I adore including actors, singers, whatever

Here comes the angst I’m so so sad because we only can see him for about 15 minutes & after that idk when will we can see him again so I started crying for real but inaudible one ofc

By the end of the talk, Ogotan said something like : “Thank you for loving me. It was my motivation & it supports me to keep going on. Thank you very much & please take care of me too in the future”

I don’t remember the exact thing he said but he does say ‘Aisarete’ something something & on here my friend who understand Japanese better was already bawling  ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ ｡

AND CAN YOU GUESS WHAT?? HE LOOK AT MY DIRECTION AGAIN & SEND ME ANOTHER HEART SIGN & OF COURSE I WAS CRYING EVEN MORE LA OMFG WHAT A WRONG MOVE OGOTAN LMAOOO CRYYYYYYYYYYY  .˚‧º·(ฅдฅ｡)‧º·˚. He also kindly send me a “nakanaide” gesture with his lips & I’m sending him an OK sign while wiping my tears LMAO what am I doing with my life, really I started thinking if I’m being delusional & Ogotan never did any of these but please, just let me be 😂💖

After that Ogotan fangirl time was over & I’m still crying LMAO HAHHAHAH He keep shooting hearts & smiles so bright it can light up the whole universe The audience finally fall silent after he return to the backstage

After Ogotan talk is over, it’s Rei turn to perform At that time my soul was still flying & can’t even process what’s happening because my head hurts so much from too many screaming & crying LMAO

BUT TADAAHHHH there’s a surprise attack by the end of the event LMAO.

There’s actually some envelope attached at the bottom of each audience chair Inside each of the envelope there’s a name of guest artist written, there’re 10 envelope in total

7 of the lucky audience will get a board which autographed by the guest The other 3 was the luckiest mustard ever existed on earth who got a chance to take a photo with the guest artist LIKE (ノ-_-)ノ~┻━┻ Since I’m bad in gambling of course I don’t get any la what do you expect

I can hear envy screeching from back to the front, in this segment finally we’re allowed to took some photos, & there’s a crowd photo from the stage too but IDK Press-san tachi, I’m waiting for the better photo here  ( ˘•ω•˘ ).｡oஇ

I’m unable to took more than 4 photos because I was squished to the gate from back & it’s hard balancing phone with one hand so here comes the blurry quality photos I managed to snap between the chaos

While taking photos we managed to catch Yuki Kato attention Being the good fangirl we’re, we keep gesturing her “THIS THING IS FOR OGOTAN” while pointing at Ogotan continuously LOL She replied with hand gestures “How should I tell him about it???”

Ogotan seems realizing what’s happening & smiles to us cutely And the front row died again LMAO

I swear Yuki Kato is a fangirl in crime, thank you for helping us Yuki-chan!  ヾ(｡>﹏<｡)ﾉﾞ✧*

Finally, the event end for real  ( ´༎ຶㅂ༎ຶ`) I was running around to find a way to give Ogotan’s gift art & apparently there’s a gift box [which actually is a gift desk] prepared for it by the staff

We part our ways & I’m recharging my flying soul with friends, eating Yoshin*ya while contemplating whether is it a real life or just a fantasy

After that I went to Shadent’s home for resting, we watch some Kamen Rider episodes before finally collapsing on bed in less than 5 minutes LMAO

It was really a fun day, I’m having a great experience & I’m gonna cherish this memory forever ever ever and ever!!  ｡✧*｡( ´∩•͈ω•͈∩` )✧*｡

Otsukaresamadesu JSeries Festival Jakarta!  See you next time!!  (｡•̀ᴗ-)و ̑̑✧

Please bring Ryuji in the next event, I beg you  ((유∀유|||))

#isomura hayato #yahagi honoka #ogoe yuuki #ogotan #saso yuki #nano #rei #jseries festival #jseries festival 2017 #jakarta #talk show #japanese drama #actor #actress #butai #yowapeda #I have no regrets overspend money this weekend really #everyone 10 times gorgeous IRL I'm screaming non stop my throat hoarse for real #Ogotan smile nearly kill me #I'm not cheating on Ryuji :'''(((((((( #totally worth #fan report #this sounds like blabber than a report #watercolor #digital art #btw that red folder file has been 4 years since the first time I bought it #I hope Ogotan like it #Also LMAO Yuki Kato seems a good person to fangirl with HAHAHHAAH

[thotyssey]

On Point With: Carmen Sidemi

This hilarious drama queen-turned-drag queen is taking over NYC nightlife one venue at a time. Dishing it all about her drag family and the pros and cons of everythingin the biz, it’s the fabulous Carmen Sidemi!

Thotyssey: Hey Carmen! How was Gay College Tuesday at the Ritz this past week? You guest performed while your mama Terra Hyman hosted. Carmen Sidemi: Oh! It was so much fun, We had two amazing DJs, Steve Sidewalk and Mikey Mó. I also never realized how hot The Ritz gogo boys are until last night -- definitely some serious eye candy. Of course, working with Terra Hyman, my drag mama, is always a kiki.

They are cute there on Tuesday nights! Like, the only twinky gogo boys left in NYC, it seems. I was thinking the same thing. Someone posted about how all the gogo boys are so big and muscly nowadays. So now, I can tell them where to find the sexy twinks. Though, if you know me, you know I LOOOVE a big set of arms and thick fingers. Lol, there's something for everyone in this city! 

So Carmen, you're at that point in your drag career where you're starting to pop up everywhere.

Definitely, that’s what I love about NYC. It has certainly been a crazy year.

How long have you been Carmen now?

I've been doing drag since late July of 2016, and my original name was Shaneeda Blank. I changed it to Carmen Sidemi about 2-3 months after starting drag. In the beginning when I only saw your name on Facebook, I pronounced it "Suh-dem-ee," like you were some Polish deli or something. I laughed when I first heard it out loud. HAHAHA. Yes, I’ve gotten that before. I have so many great stories about people trying to pronounce my name. Sheila Tack gave up trying and just called me Barbara. And during the Invasion on Fire Island, the host announced me as Carmen Si-Demi. I milked it with a big laugh, mimed "Inside Me" as best I could, and she got it along with the crowd. It was a great moment.

That's the key to a great drag name!

I agree. I love when it takes people a second to get it.

So, where's you're hometown, and what were you like growing up? Oh, man! Well I'm a Florida native, born in Pembroke Pines, and I grew up in South Beach until we re-located back P. Pines in my early teens. 

Growing up, I was -- and still am -- very dramatic. About halfway through awards shows, I start pretending like I won and end up sobbing in the mirror, giving full acceptance speech realness. My bedroom was a place where I could be myself and live my fantasy! 

In school I loved attention, but was always battling with that because at the same time I didn't want to be noticed -- people made fun of me for being feminine. It felt like a constant game of tug and war.  

However, I have to say I was so lucky because my parents and family loved and supported me always. I also had/have two childhood friends that are still so amazing. That's important, I'm glad for that! 

When do you come to NYC? 2009, when I went to the one and only AMDA. I left for a year and a half after graduation for some theatre work, and then moved back in 2013. All of that feels so long ago, OMG! Every drag queen in the city went to that school, it's crazy! Do you know any queens on the scene today that were in your classes? She's a newer queen: Chola Spears. We were best friends in school. We lost touch, but then I saw her out one night in drag and we are living. 

I didn't go to school with Marti Gould Cummings, but I remember during orientation seeing her picture on the alumni wall with some of the greats that came out of the school. So crazy how things come full circle.

 How did you meet Mama Terra?

Oh god, that was the beginning of it all, I feel like. I work at the West End, and when I started there a few years ago they had such a great lineup of amazing girls! Terra was hosting a competition, Brita and Sasha Davenport were hosting "C'mon Wednesday," and Alexis Michelle and Schwa de Vivre were hosting "Super Woman." Terra and I quickly became besties, and would hang out all the time at her place and play video games and Catan till 4am. That group of girls really introduced me to NYC drag/nightlife and made a huge impact. From there, I met Jasmine Rice LaBeija from the RRRRRRoyal Haus of Labeija, and she really took me under her wing and helped me SO MUCH! That's a great pedigree! What was your first number in drag, do you remember? I actually still use it sometimes, It was a "Letter of the Day" inspired number, and the letter of the day was “C.” Then it goes into basically calling everyone a cunt. 

Oh werk, so you had the funny mixes on day one!

I love working and making mixes, and telling a story from my own perspective, if you will.

You're quite a high energy queen, splitting and death-dropping and constantly moving... were you always a dancer?

I can just see the eye rolls from these shady queens in regards to me being called a dancer. People use the word "dancer" very loosely, in my opinion... no shade. 

I did always love to dance; I took about four years of salsa in middle/high school before getting into tap, ballet, etc. But I'm very humble when it comes to calling myself a "dancer" because it's not something I do often, lol! But I will split the house down for sure, henny!

You did a great number for Miss Lady Liberty this summer... it had, like, five wig and costume reveals! I always think about how stressful it must be to keep track of the timing of all those reveals during  numbers like that. Not to mention having  to waddle out there in the beginning like a human lasagna with all that shit bolted down so it doesn’t look like five reveals! GIRL! I had HAD IT that day. I was being such a bitch because I was so hot, and no one understood because I was trying not to spoil it. As far as timing: the song I used was pretty easy to find the timing, so it just made sense to me. It also helps to rehearse the costume and wig reveals at home couple times. I do love watching those videos; my ass looked so good that night, lol! Th next time I did Lady Liberty, I decided I wasn't going to put too much pressure on myself and just do something simple. It was actually one of my favorite performances. Of course I did do a costume reveal!

Sometimes it just takes one reveal to sell it! I like the light blue flowy, witchy robe thing you wear. Are you a designer/seamstress of your looks? HAHAHA. Oh, My summer Poncho? I bought that fabric in every color. I can draw clothes, and can sew basic things, but I'm certainly not a seamstress. I learned a few things from a costume designer in Florida, and even MORE from Jasmine Rice... YouTube helps too! Every drag queen knows, or should know, stretch fabric. Here that, queens! Generally speaking, I feel like you are a like a drag queen’s drag queen. A lot of other queens in the city are really into what you do!

I wanna shout out to some people who have excepted me so open-heartedly to the drag community, and taught me so much! They were booking me when I had no experience! Terra Hyman, Jasmine Rice, Lola Michele-Kiki, Dusty Ray Bottoms, Marti G. Cummings, Brita Filter, Ari Kiki, Tammy Spanx, and Kizha Carr. I'm so grateful to know these talented people. 

An amazing group of queens! 

Did you go to Drag Con?

I DID! My very first one. I went on Sunday and was so lucky to get to work the Gypsy Wigz booth. They styled a beautiful custom-dyed wig for me, and I just pranced around enjoying all the drag. My best moment was eating a chili dog while walking the pink carpet. If anyone thought I didn't have talent, now you do. 

Yas Mama! So, it's about that time of the season when local girls start to disappear on a Mystery Cruise, while by sheer coincidence Drag Race starts filming in California. It seems like throughout the past few seasons, there have been more and more New York girls disappearing... and if our collective hunch is correct, nearly half of Season 10 will be New York queens competing. And on top of that, now we're gonna have a new show to watch exclusively about NYC drag, Shade! Is this an exciting time to be a queen in NYC, or is this all kind of a lot? I can't F******* wait for this season! I definitely think right now is an exciting time for drag in many places, but especially NYC. I'm so excited to see so many girls I know, work with, and respect on Shade. It’s really going to get to showcase what queens really experience when choosing this as a career. 

It's funny, I always hear people say "Drag Race fucked up drag,” and I can understand that perspective. But we also get to see so many new shows pop up to make up for the girls who might have other things going on.

Well, you certainly got stuff going on that we should talk about! First off, you've been giving shows at Icon in Astoria for a bit, and now you have a Weekly 6-9pm Sunday spot there, Stay Drunk Sundays. Love that show name! How do you like it at Icon? It went through a change of management and a huge revamp not too long ago.

I love Icon. The staff and the owners have been so generous to me, I'm so grateful. I heard about a few horror stories from the past, which I won't dwell on because no one involved has any ties to the place, so all I'm gonna say is: come back and give it another try. Especially Sunday! How many chances do you get to go out after a boozy brunch, put on some heels that we provide, do at least 30 seconds of a number, and you get a shot? It's such a good time. Two weeks ago, a straight man and woman celebrating their engagement with some friends came by, and THEY ALL did a Spice Girls number. I've had a few new queens pop in to do a number. It really is such a safe space for everyone. Oh, and they have 2-4-1 drink special from 5-8!

And your show there sounds like a lot of fun. As for Thursdays, we can find you hosting Gayme Night at Atlas Social Club with Scotty Em.

Yup, I just added Gayme Night on Thursdays to my weekly schedule. We finally got rid of that bitch, Holly Box-Springs. LMAO, I’m just kidding! To spill some tea, we actually went on two dates before either of us did drag. I love that girl. 

But back to Atlas, I'm there Thursdays for trivia and all sorts of games, 8-12. We give away drinks, special prizes, and JUST added a few gogo boys to serve up trade realness. I'm thinking of new ways to make it my own; I want to have a Twister tournament one night! That would be fun! Another drag Holly, Ms. Dae, used to host "naked" Twister at Phoenix! 

OMG! I love her, she has one of the BEST senses of humor.

Okay, anything else?

No special events, other than my two weekly gigs I have right now. A few things are up in the air. It’s funny, I like to call myself the "Sandra Bullock of Drag," because a lot of my gigs are super last-minute bookings if someone can't make it! Which, girl, I’m grateful for! So, I would encourage following me on Instagram or adding me on Facebook to keep up with where I'll be. Last question: What's the worst thing about drag for you, and what's the best? The worst part of actually being in drag is, sometimes, the corset after three hours. But I would say that really the hard part -- and this is gonna sound cheesy -- is battling with myself to not compare what other people have going on, and just be proud of my friends AND myself.

 It's hard sometimes, because its rare when you work in a field where your friends are your colleagues. When we aren't in drag and go out, most likely I'm kiki'ing with other queens. But a lot of the times, we are competing [in pageants or weekly competitions] for cash money. So you’re rooting for your friends, but trying to pay your damn rent. 

The best part about drag, and why I started doing it... simple. I get to conceive performances that tell a story from my perspective. I get to do it on my own time, on my own terms. And when people laugh and cheer, it makes me so happy. I feel understood. A few times the audience will be enjoying a number so much, it will make me hesitate on my next line, because I get so excited. 

But we've all had those nights when the audience is looking at you like your fucking crazy, which is also exciting because its an opportunity to make new choices that you wouldn't have made otherwise.

Thank you, Carmen! Awesome! Thanks so much for having me on your blog!  

Carmen Sidemi hosts “Stay Drunk Sundays” at Icon (6pm) and “Gayme Night Thursdays” at Atlas Social Club (8pm). Check Thotyssey’s calendar for other upcoming gigs, and follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

On Point Archives 

#onpointwith #carmensidemi

[weh-tun]

you can hear it in the silence

Word count: 2.3k Rating: Mature  Genre: Fluff/Smut/tiny bit of angst i guess Warnings: Mentions of sexual content, mention of slight anxiety  Summary: Dan and Phil meet in a nightclub; eight years later, Dan turns 26. A/N: A timeline of Dan and Phil's relationship after they meet for the first time in a nightclub. This is a fic inspired by Taylor Swift's song "You Are In Love" (lol) and also by snsknene's fic "@AmazingPhil: Landed in Vegas!" 

(read on ao3) 

-8

 It's dark in the crowded room, and the music is way too loud for Phil's liking. His jacket clings to him because of the thin layer of sweat forming on his arms, and the lights are making him dizzy. And yet, the beat that pulsates up his feet and through his spine and up his head is numbing and relieving, like laughing at a dumb joke.

He walks across the room, happy and annoyed all at once, thinks about getting a drink just to have something to do with his hands. The music only seems to get louder, and the people start chanting a chorus he doesn't know the words to, but thinks it sounds familiar, thinks he must've heard it somewhere, thinks this kind of music is always around somehow even if you don't actively search for it.

  Bartenders at clubs must know how to lip read, he thinks, ordering his drink with a loud shout that he's sure got lost in the loud thumps of the music that seem to glister through the air itself. It's dark and the music is slower now and the lights are dancing green and pink; the waiter hands him a drink that reflects the neon blue and he recognizes a stranger from across the room.

  He drinks a big gulp of his cheap tequila mojito, ignores the fact that it's not a real mojito because there are no mint leaves in it, and looks across the room to make sure it was real, make sure he was real. His eyes reflect the dark sort of light that shines in here, and Phil walks towards him with steady steps, and manages to make it across the room without spilling any of the drink.

  When he finally gets there, he can't even make out the difference between his heart and the deafening beat, thinks about how clubs aren't even his kind of place; thanks about every god that could exist for putting him in this club at this exact moment.

  It's almost like a silence, the lights starts turning on a off really fast and everything is like a stopmotion movie, the kind that he'd like to make someday, and then the lights are out and a song is surely playing but Phil can't hear it.

The stranger turns to him, smiles and then turns serious again, staring at him so intensely that Phil doesn't know how to act. He reaches out a hand and Phil takes it, lets the stranger come closer, their hands clasped together above their heads as the music shakes the floor and their shoulders brush.

  The stranger whispers into Phil's ear, and he feels like it's impossible that he actually heard it, but he does, hears him so clearly when he says,

  "I'm Dan."

~

 -6

  The road is dark and quiet and long ahead of them, and the heating makes a quiet and rumbling noise and there's nothing besides that and Phil's breathing keeping Dan from falling asleep. The clock on the dashboard reads 2:30AM, but it feels like another dimension where time doesn't exist, where nothing exists beside what's right there beside him.

  The radio still plays Phil's playlist, the one with all the slow, melodic, instrumental songs, and although Dan was fearing falling asleep the playlist was comforting like few things were. In between songs he listens to the sound of the wheels on the concrete, tries to see the road behind the headlights and gets a little terrified when he realizes it's way too dark for him to be able to make out anything. He imagines the headlights giving out, the complete darkness that surrounds them, thinks about whether the knows the number to emergency –

  Phil stirs beside him, leaning his head towards the middle rather than the window, and mumbles something Dan can't make out. He stirs again when they reach a curve, and the phone on his lap falls to the floor.

  His eyes open, and Dan has to try very hard to focus on the road when he sees the way Phil's eyes shimmer in the very dim light inside the car. "You're up" he says, his voice quiet and strained from the things he didn't say. There are very few things he hasn't told Phil yet, but even those are weighing on his chest like his ribs are made of marble.

  They stop a few miles ahead for gas and coffee, and Dan's really mad at Phil for still having perfect hair after a 3 hour car journey where he fell asleep. He buys them both coffee while Phil uses the loo, puts the cups on top of the car and breathes in the cold air on the outside, hands in his pockets while he listens to the silence.

  Not thirty seconds later Phil is walking towards him, the white light of the convenience store lighting up half of his face and making him look like a creature out of another world or dimension. Dan catches his breath and almost turns to look the other way, feeling embarrassed at the feeling rising at the base of his stomach.

  Phil reaches the car and stops in front of Dan, pulls him in by the collar of his jacket and kisses him so deep that Dan feels the breath being pulled out of his lungs, and says,

  "Thanks for driving. You should've woken me up." He says, with a yawn that contradicts what he'd just said. His eyes crinkle and the convenience store lights flickers, Dan's thinks how stupid it is to say he's going home when he feels at home right there.

  "I love you" he says, still a little bit mumbly and breathless from the late hour and the kiss, and Phil reaches into his pocket for the car keys.

"I love you too."

 ~

 -4

  The lights are off and Phil's hands are fumbling around searching for the lube he out of the drawer just a second ago. It's silence and breathing, and Dan's lips are firm and insisting against his; his breath is so warm, Dan's so warm.

  He finds the little bottle, pours some on his fingers and loves the sound of Dan whimpering beneath him, loves that Dan's comforter is on his bed, loves the fact that he didn't draw the blinds and that he could see the twinkling lights of Manchester out of the corner of his eyes.

  "I'm ready Phil," Dan breathes out, whispers, nearly doesn't make sound. Phil positions himself and slides into Dan, kisses him as deeply as he can, wants Dan to know that he's everything, everything. It's silly and Phil's heart is bursting, he feels like he's going to die with the amount of feeling.

  The room is dark and Dan's breaths fill the air, Phil shifts position and Dan moans, pulls Phil closer, so close, his fingernails digging into his back. They are sweaty and it's nearing 4AM on a Tuesday morning, and in the darkness of the room everything clear and glistening with how true it is, how real.

  Phil feels like he loses all his senses for a moment, can only make out Dan's chest against his, his whimpers in his left ear, and the rest is all gone. And even when there's silence after they stay like that, refusing to let go even amongst the stickiness and the damp bedsheets. There's no proof of feeling, Phil thinks, there's no way to get into a different person's brain. But his heart is beating so hard against his ribcage he's sure Dan must be feeling it, wants to make sure that he is.

  He brushes Dan's hair out of his face, takes his sweaty hand and brushes the fingers against his lips, holds it against his upper rib cage, tries to contain his breathing. Dan lays his head on Phil's shoulder and breaths out a shaky breath, feels like close isn't close enough; nothing could ever be close enough.

 ~

 -2

  The toast is burnt and the coffee is watery, the weather is shit and Dan's having a horrible day.

He goes out to get a haircut, proceeds to hate the haircut and hate even more the fact that he fakes a smile at the lady who cut it. He can't stop messing with it for the rest of the day, and Phil notices when they meet up at Starbucks for lunch.

 "I think it looks good" He says, biting into his bagel and sipping on his macchiato, playing on his phone and brushing his stupid straight perfect hair out of his eyes.

 "Hmpf" is all Dan manages in response, annoyed at himself for being annoyed, annoyed that he was unable to have a real conversation with Phil, making the terrible mistake he always made of expecting this to be the start of something worse, something bigger, something ending.

 They go to Ikea and shop for dumb kitchen utensils and Dan feels weird, hates that he's in such a terrible mood, is so annoyed at everything Phil says.

 "Dan, we can come back another day, or you can go home and I'll do it myself if you're not up for it" Phil says, and it's in a sweet and caring tone, but Dan knows him well enough to know that this is his annoyed voice, the voice that would rather he left.

 "Well, fine" he says, overreacting, regretting it as soon as he says it. He turns away, waves a lame goodbye and tries to make himself cry listening to sad music on the bus ride home. When he gets there, he walks up the stairs pitying himself and hating himself, throws himself onto the bed and wishes Phil would come home soon more than anything else.

 When he finally does, Dan's in pyjamas in the lounge, dozing off while watching the great british bake off, doesn't know exactly when he started being tired as soon as 10 PM. He looks at Phil and sighs, not wanting to be the one who apologizes, feeling like an idiot for having so much pride.

 Phil takes his time placing everything into the kitchen – Dan hears him drop things about seven different times, – and when he finally walks back into the lounge, also wearing pyjamas, Dan's dozing off again.

 "C'mon, we're going to bed now" Phil says, stretching out a hand at Dan, whose eyes are burning from sleepiness as well as the almost-tears that sting his eyes at the fact that Phil is still there, still willing.

 He gets up, follows Phil into the room, gets under the covers even though he hadn't brushed his teeth, and drifts off, only properly falling asleep when Phil turns off his bedside light and pulls Dan closer to him with warm hands around his waist.

 It's very late – or very early – when Dan wakes up again, kind of panic-y, kind of sweaty and feeling constrained in the sheets, instantly searching for Phil and accidentally kind of punching him in the process.

Phil wakes up with a muffled ouch and sits up to put one hand on Dan's shoulder, doesn't even say anything before Dan's leaning into the touch, turning around to grab Phil's shirt and dig his head into Phil's chest.

  "You're my best friend Phil. I'm sorry" is what he says in the hazy state of semi-consciousness, and they both lay back down, Phil placing a kiss on Dan's hair, interlocking their legs.

  "I know."

 ~

 0

  They're sitting in one of those weird private rooms at the sushi restaurant, and Phil's forgotten how to use chopsticks again. Outside the voices are loud, but this little room is quiet and excluded and poorly lit, and Dan loves sitting on the tatami floor with his knee brushing up against Phil every so often. He loves trying to teach Phil how to hold the chopsticks, loves that he can use it as an excuse to touch his long pale fingers.

 Phil eventually gives up, picks up one of the maki rolls between his fingers, dips it in the soy and only spills a few drops when trying to feed it to Dan. He laughs and laughs at himself, and Dan cannot stop smiling even though his mouth is full.

 It's just the two of them this year, no friends, no tour crew, no family. Just them, just the way Dan likes it.

 Dan almost forgets the occasion until the waiter drops in and clears their table, putting a bowl with three mochi and one slice of not-japanese-looking chocolate cake in front of them. When he leaves, Phil says,

 "The cake is not from here, I got it at that weird bakery you liked that we went to once."

 Dan's eyes go watery and he tries to blame his feeling on all the sake he's had, but the truth is he's so happy. So happy he giggles, smiles a watery kind of smile when Phil starts singing happy birthday in a low voice.

 "I love you" Dan says, doesn't want to blow out the candles but does it anyway because Phil's taking pictures of him doing it. It's silly but Dan feels like he'll remember this moment forever; sitting in the dim reddish light, watching Phil's eyes light up behind his phone.

 "You haven't blown it out properly!" Phil exclaims, his voice going up a whole octave and Dan goes against his beliefs, makes a wish, wishes for cheesy and dumb things like eternal happiness, Phil by his side forever.

 "It won't come true if I tell you" he says later, when they're changed into their pj's, ready for bed and Phil hovers above him, crawls over him on the bed to kiss him.

 "Hmm" is what he answers, licking into Dan's mouth as he reaches to turn off the light.

#daniel and philip #fluff #angst #smut #phan #phan fiction #fic #fics #fanfiction #dan and phil #its 3 am i wrote this instead of working on my pbb fic lol #songfic #i guess lol #writtings #mine #pls read this #dans bday #fiesta yeah