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therealvinelle · 2 years

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The Cullen fortune is gone overnight. The rest of the Cullens have to get jobs to support their lifestyle.

What jobs would you suggest for them to experience growth/be the best version of themselves? (minus Carlisle, for whom I'm pretty sure the answer is just doctor, unless you have other thoughts)

Alternatively, what jobs would they be objectively terrible at, but you find really funny to imagine them having just the world's worst day at work doing?

Oh this has got to be the best anon I've received all year.

Right then, the Cullens lose their money, we'll say the wealth-eating vampire Ivan (turned in 1929, this bolshevik is on a mission to create a communist utopia, and has the gift to go with: he has the power of liquidating all assets belonging to private persons and companies and giving it back to the state) set his eyes on them and it's history from there.

For the sake of simplicity, we'll say the year is 2008, they're all still living in Forks.

The Cullens could get by on Carlisle's paycheck, he makes enough to pay the bills and buy them something nice every now and then. It's stretched a bit thin, though, the Forks hospital can't afford as much as a hospital in a bigger city could and there are nine of them. He's got the bills and a shared family car (that he (wait for it) has to buy from Billy Black) covered and not much else.

They've got to get jobs.

Alice decides it's time to no longer do what she's good at for free: she's going to become a clothes designer and fashion consultant. With her skill she will take the fashion world by storm, with her family she has the glamorous models in the box already, and with her gift she'll have a failsafe ensuring no idea she has ever fails. She is already planning the Met gala outfits she'll outfit stars in.

The trouble is this: she has no brand and no clients. She's starting at rock bottom.

Never fear: she makes a battle plan for herself. She'll start small with a neat-looking website, promote herself as so exclusive that the reason you haven't heard of her is because she's that big a deal, and she'll attract clients with her amazing concept designs.

She gets Carlisle to invest in the hottest new thing: a stark white MacBook (Image below), gets Rosalie to program the website (Rosalie cries because the programming she knows is from studying astrophysics, she can give you an animation of a sphere's trajectory through a frictionless space if thrown at various speeds, she has no idea how to make a website. She ends up making Alice a blog at Wordpress. It has really nice HTML, though), now it's portfolio time.

Portfolio time goes terribly: Carlisle won't let her publish photos of the family on the interwebz, and the making clothes part of the equation turns out to easier said than done because Alice wants quality merchandise, but quality fabrics are expensive. Carlisle offers to make her fabrics out of wool and hides from the animals they hunt, offering that it would be a rustic look, and she has a horrible feeling he's being serious.

(Alice is in the red)

We cut to how Emmett is doing.

Emmett was thinking he'd get work as a lumberjack, it would be fun and manly, but then Alice bought that computer which has a webcamera and he thought, why not become a fitness instructor? That could spell money.

He asks Carlisle if the computer is a family computer and not just Alice's, Carlisle says yes, Alice fumes, and Emmett sets up a studio in the basement. He publishes one video per day, and his ridiculously muscular frame combined with being an insanely beautiful man wearing a blindfold so he'll be less recognizable (Carlisle's stipulation) while physically exerting himself makes him an instant hit among gay men and straight women everywhere.

(Emmett is in the green)

Esme was inspired by Alice quoting "if you're good at something, never do it for free!" and decided to become a cleaning lady who also cooks. This works really well for the first few weeks: she's incredibly sweet so everyone likes her, she's a white woman so the racists don't worry about giving her access to their possessions, and she's alarmingly talented at what she does. One hour of Esme in your home, and your house smells like cookies and looks cleaner than an operation room.

(Esme is in the green)

The problems arise once Esme's instinct to care for others conflict with her work.

Sooner or later someone struggles to pay her, or it becomes clear simply from the state of their house that this, having someone make their house look nice, is them splurging.

Esme was once on her own, working to make ends meet, and her apartment looked terrible not because she didn't try to keep it clean, but because between working, being pregnant, and saving up for a baby she had no money or energy left to do things like fix flaking tapestry or a rocky chair. And having a clean, pleasant space to live in- it sounds frivolous, but that matters.

She decides to lower the price for cleaning people's houses, and expands so she's now home maintenance, not just cleaning. Instantly she has more clients than she did before. So she expands her work hours, and lowers the price again.

Before long, she throws the towel in and starts working pro bono.

The money she made are spent on supplies, and she starts leeching off of Carlisle's paycheck.

(Esme is in the red)

The family never sees her around anymore, meanwhile the denizens of Forks are now much happier for having a real life Mary Poppins running around town helping everybody. There's a general sentiment that they should do something for this poor woman, who works pro bono for the town's poorest even when her family lost all their money. Between that and adopting all those kids, the Mr. and Mrs. Cullen are starting to look like saints.

Hey, isn't her daughter trying to start a business?

Alice gets her first few clients, three to be specific. One is Jessica Stanley's cousin who's getting married and thought she could save on the dress by having her cousin's former classmate design it, the other two are forty-something women who were touched by Esme Cullen's initiative and thought they'd do something for her daughter. Can't Alice design each of them a gown for weddings and other formal occasions?

Alice wants to be happy she's finally getting off the ground, except-

Those two forty-something women are not the kind of clients she wanted. They're not young, for starters, and they're... well, she isn't sure how to say this to them but if they want to wear one of her designs they're going to have to lose a few pounds first. And get a makeover. It's fine, she can give them a makeover, and Carlisle can set them up with a diet to lose weight (what's that, he can't? Why not? He's being completely- oh, jeeze, fine. Rosalie can come up with the diet then! Or tell them to just stop eating, period, that works too.), Alice will airbrush the photos to hell in her portfolio, THIS IS FINE.

It's not fine.

The ladies get offended and cancel their orders when Alice tries to explain this over the phone, which just goes to prove that Renesmee really needs to learn to leave the room already whenever aunt Alice has a phone call because if she'd been able to See what would happen then she could have found a way to phrase this that wouldn't have lost her two clients.

She's left with Jessica's cousin, who gave her a budget of $500.

For a wedding dress.

And Alice doesn't get to decide anything else, she knows from her gift that the wedding will be- not the worst she's seen, but a pitifully forgettable mediocre with a boring colorscheme and ugly bridesmaid dresses. Nope, she's just going to have to sit there and watch that happen, design a gorgeous dress for this subpar wedding.

Pearls before swine.

Alice tries to reason with Jessica's cousin, and offers to design the dresses for the bridesmaids at a discount. She won't ask them to lose weight, she will pay for the fabric herself if that's what it's gonna take. Fuck, she'll do this for free. Oh, what's that, Jessica's cousin, you already got the dresses? At H&M?!

... this would be a stain on her portfolio. It wouldn't advance her career at all. Alice has got to get out of this.

Jessica's cousin fires her before she can quit.

(Alice is in the red)

Jasper becomes a drug dealer.

(Jasper is in the green)

Edward and Rosalie, meanwhile, both decided that they wanted 9-5 jobs that would get them their paychecks without having to build anything.

Rosalie gets a job as an electrical engineer at an established company that'll pay her big dough, and she now has a bigger paycheck than Carlisle. The problem is that she's a young blonde woman working in STEM.

Rosalie proceeds to spend her workdays being sexually harassed by some colleagues and belittled by others, and has a terrible time.

Still, she stays on the job, because she really really wants to be able to buy things again.

(Rosalie is in the green)

Edward, with his gift and medical training, figures he would do great as a therapist. Steady supply of money, could become a lot of money if he makes a name for himself, and he'd be making a difference for people who really need it.

Carlisle is thrilled: finally, one of his kids isn't telling well-meaning ladies to lose weight, pandering to horny people on the internet (to be fair, no one has had the heart to tell Emmett this. Rosalie moderates his comment section zealously), dealing drugs, or being harassed by sexist pigs! Go forth into the world of psychotherapy, Edward, make that difference!

Edward gets certified (read: Jasper pays Mr. Jenks a visit) and, wanting to prove that he's modest and wants to do good by the world rather than seek money at his earliest convenience, accepts a job as a councillor for college students.

(Edward is in the green)

Edward proceeds to spend his days listening to students with petty problems such as doing poorly in class, breaking up with their lovers, and blah de blah. Edward could not care less about their problems. They're lying through their teeth, too, making the whole thing in an exercise in frustration.

He quits after a month.

Throughout all of this, Bella has been floundering. She has no marketable skills, and... though she won't admit it even now, she did not become a Cullen so that she would have to worry about going to work and making ends.

Just- god, she didn't care about the money, at all, definitely not, it's just that it wasn't supposed to suddenly be gone!

She eventually gets it together and starts applying for jobs.

She doesn't get any of them, not when she's applying for office jobs with nothing to show but a high school diploma.

She starts applying for retail jobs.

The worst application, by far, is calling Newton's and asking if she can have the job back (she can't, they have a new girl. They're very sorry).

(Bella is in the red)

Renesmee, wanting to pitch in, asks her grandpa Charlie if she could get a job. He lets her be his secretary, and she makes $30 per hour telling people to go to the waiting room.

(Renesmee is in the green)

Bella's daughter is now networking better than her and making more money than she ever did. Her daughter is less than two years old.

She asks Carlisle if he's got a job for her, and Carlisle takes pity on her. She is to be his secretary, just man the phone and tell people Dr. Cullen is busy when he is in fact eating squirrels in the woods before a surgery.

(Bella is in the green)

It's terribly unfortunate, then, that Bella in her awkwardness manages to make it sound like Dr. Cullen is masturbating in there (He's taking care of business, har de Cullen inside joke har har. Seriously though, you don't want to disturb him right now.) and has absolutely no ability to keep things secret so she will openly tell anyone and everyone who is seeing Dr. Cullen and for what (I can't believe Mike's got an STD! And he let it get so far, holy cow I hope somebody told Jessica. Oh my god, someone should tell Jessica).

Carlisle is put in the unenviable position of having to fire his daughter-in-law.

Alice gets desperate enough to try Carlisle's animal hides idea, and Carlisle finds himself working round the clock as he gets home from the hospital, and immediately has to go hunt down good pelts so he can then slave away in the one-man sweatshop she set up making woolen gowns. He makes sure Esme is out cleaning 24/7, lest she be dragged into this as well.

Alice still has no clients, but that she'll think of something.

Any day now.

(Alice is in the red)

Emmett gets sued. Turns out his channel was getting people hurt (lift with your backs, guys! When you're stretching, try to make it fast and jerky! Keep pushing if you're uncomfortable, that's when it's getting good!), so now he has legal problems.

Carlisle, Rosalie, Edward, Bella, Jasper and Renesmee each have to pitch in the money they've made to fight this lawsuit and pay the monstrous fine Emmett gets slapped with.

(Everyone is in the red)

The Cullens hold a strategy meeting.

Who's actually made money, who's going anywhere?

Rosalie's making dough, but she's not going anywhere due to sexism in the workplace keeping her from advancing.

Alice may have gotten off to a rough start but she is going somewhere, she assures them. She just needs to change her brand: streetwear and smart casual are much more marketable, and it can still be high end, she'll just make it more down to earth. How's that?

Edward reads in her mind her ideas for $600 sheepskin tank tops, and grimaces, but he's not suicidal enough to say anything.

Carlisle is already making as much as he can at that hospital, if he wants to make more he'd have to move. And then Renesmee and Jasper would be out of work.

Renesmee is actually doing rather well for herself, she's now running errands and taking small jobs around town, picking up $20 here and $50 there. Everyone agrees Edward's niece is a delightful little girl, and she's successfully gaslighting them that she's always been this tall. Or this tall. Or this tall.

Jasper has progressed as well, he is a cleaner now. No, not the same kind as Esme. He's making more money than Carlisle and Rosalie combined, though, so Forks (Well, Seattle. And the state of Washington, really, his guys know distance isn't really a problem for him) is good by him.

Emmett still has his YouTube channel, he's posting videos of himself flexing his muscles and lifting things. People are strangely willing to pay to see that, he's got commissions to eat and wear various objects and everything. Crazy world, eh!

Realizing that his brothers are now doing better than him, one by being a gangster and the other by posting softcore porn, Edward decides to get back into psychotherapy because goddamnit this won't stand.

Bella asks Renesmee if she too can run errands and be Charlie's secretary. Renesmee readily agrees, her aging was getting too obvious anyway. She becomes Bella's... manager, is the term they land on: Renesmee gets the gigs and Bella does them, both make money.

On seeing Alice struggle without initial capital of her own, Renesmee decides that Alice can run errands too. That way, Renesmee's operation can expand and she will be more effectively be able to compete with the other kids in town trying to make dough or that accursed Esme who cleans and paints houses and mows lawns for free. How do we compete with that? By being cheaper than the other kids and better than Esme!

She has to get more manpower to pull this off, so Emmett and Edward get pulled in as well.

She ends up working Alice, Bella, Edward, and Emmett so hard that Alice's fashionista dreams get put on hold (this is also because she's making such lousy money being a one-year-old's below-minimal-wage-worker that after six months she still can't afford any of the things she needs to get started), while Renesmee has the money to hire the kids who were formerly her competition. To keep them on retainer she has to actually pay them, of course, something she didn't have to do with her family because family will work for $5 a gig.

(Renesmee is in the green)

In the end, Ivan the wealth-eating bolshevik vampire is appalled by the monster he created in Renesmee. In his outrage he takes all the Cullens' assets again, and tells the Volturi on them because he won't stand for such blatant exploitation of the workers!

Aro can't even.

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salamie-baby · 1 month

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Can this website actually function for one damn second

#Is it any better on the app #Who am I kidding #It's tumblr

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waterspoutskies · 10 months

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If my blog dies or is shadowbanned let it be known that I died fighting to explain to staff that the hellsite doesn't have to become instagram

Re: Today's staff announcement (And what I sent staff in feedback under the cut)

Staff's latest announcement at: https://www.tumblr.com/staff/722477242948747264/tumblrs-core-product-strategy

Aside from the obvious concerns about the following tab being removed and the chronological feed being removed (let me tell you how annoying it is on my newer blog having to change over to the Following tab instead of the For You tab each time I log in because there's not a way to permanently enforce that change), there are a few major issues.

1) Absolutely NO notification emails if push notifications are turned off. I turned them off. I don't want emails if I turned off notifications. This is the dumbest thing I've seen proposed in quite a while. Not even Instagram and Twitter send emails when you have notifications turned off for the site.

2) Bring back picking blogs to follow in the introduction steps, not just tags. This should be a no brainer. This site is unbelievably easy to use if you know that following blogs = content on your dash.

3) Don't collapse reblog threads. We make reblog chains for the humor of it. And if you must, you better make that toggleable the way collapsing long posts currently is. I want to see my reblog threads. There's a whole culture around this, which you might take the time to dive into if you wish to understand how things are being used by the userbase.

4) The same goes for hiding duplicate reblogs. First of all, doing it multiple times can be for the humor of it. But also? People use that as a timed post system to reach different parts of their audience based on the time of day. And it's much easier to promote an old post about your commissions than make up a brand new one each time. Your "creators" function much better the way things are than they do on sites that don't allow this- And you can ask them about it. Once again, if you must, make that toggleable.

5) Speaking of reblog issues. You want to clean up reblogs and make post chains easier to follow? Bring back our ability to click on usernames to track back through reblogged additions to posts. Don't take me to their blog. Don't take me to their frontpage. I want to see what they said on the post, and THEN I'll consider following them, not the other way around.

6) Y'all seem to be under the impression that the majority of us "create content." If content is us musing our random thoughts aloud and shitposting, then you'd be correct. Not everyone coming on here is coming to gain a mass following and monetize themselves-- I would bet, if you used one of your polls on a staff post, you'd discover that a majority of us are not doing that. We're here to socialize using a form of online media.

7) Since we're bringing up feedback issues, toggles should be permanent. If you make something toggleable, I do not want to go back in once a week and have to change it back. This applies to 3 and 4. And certain other issues.

8) Staff, I know y'all are getting a fair bit of hate for this, since y'all just make the announcements, not so much the upper level decisions. Especially not the corporate drivel lingo in today's. So let me address this one directly to the corporate overlords: If you want to make money off of users and improve the traffic of the site, you might try asking the userbase at large what keeps them on the website. Not what they want to see improved, what keeps them there. Tumblr succeeds because it isn't going the way of other social media websites. Don't be just like everyone else. That's why we're here in the first place.

#Getting worse? This hellsite? Nah #The hellsite would never get worse #hellsite #it's tumblr #tumblr culture #tumblr stuff #tumblr staff wtf do you want #tumblr staff #Paloma Talks #Completely unasked too!

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anneapocalypse · 1 year

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[img of a cake that says 'sorry my follower added that reply to your post'] fucking hell

there's something in the water lately. 😂

#it's tumblr #tumblr is in the water #lol #ask anne #v arbellanaris

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lawbreaker13 · 8 months

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Hey babez I think it’s tumblr “etiquette” to put ur comments in tags instead of adding to the post. But honestly it does not matter do whatever u want <3

Hey babez I've been here for many years and I'm just annoying like that, manners mean nothing on here, and adding a heart to the end doesn't detract from the fact that this message was so unnecessarily antagonistic.

If you specifically don't want me reblogging your stuff with comments, simply tell me and I won't, but like...just...why say anything? The phrasing of this is ask is very "I wouldn't wear it, but you do you!" and I'm too old for high school drama.

#Apologies if this comes off aggressive it just caught me off guard #But like #Straight up #It's actually become a part of my OCD #If I don't have anything to comment on a post I throw it in the drafts #It's so dumb #But also like #It's tumblr #Who cares #Asks #Anon #Mine

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aloeverified · 11 months

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Ffs when will people understand that headcanons are NOT theories!? This same film repeats everytime someone hc's a character as gay or ships two male characters that are friends in canon–people disguise their bigotry as "stop fetishizing gay men" etc. Like, why does it bother YOU so much if a random person on the internet thinks of a character you like as queer? Or a fanartist who doesn't have the rights to the said media draws mlm or wlw ships involving your fave? Stop killing their vibes. It's not canon! They're still probably cishet in canon so you win anyway. There's already very few LGBTQ characters in media so people are obviously gonna have headcanons for character they love.

I'm sorry you are receiving hate asks too, Terfs suck.

thank you. people hate seeing queer people happy — especially if it involves something they like as well. trans people being excited about the idea of a popular and beloved character possibly being trans doesn't hurt them, but they're so desperate to be annoying that they don't care. people have no hobbies besides being haters </3

#ur so right btw #let queer people have fun omg #unless the headcanon is genuinely a problem like idk headcanoning a bi character as gay or smth #just leave people alone #it's tumblr #never been that serious #persephone-sails

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angrybisexualfurry · 1 year

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"Bros before hoes"

But what if the bro is the hoe ??? What happens then ?

#It's night where I am #i should be sleeping #but here i am #thinking #i'm a genius #and stupid #it's tumblr #ya'll used to it

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comfreyhollywings · 1 year

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about to be a liitttllle bit controversial here but i’m not sure i like how tarot at this point in tumblr spaces mostly cater to 18+ soulmate readings, who will be your soulmate, what will your love life be like, etc etc.

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panicatthefandomboy · 1 year

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Tumblr, the one and only place to digitally give someone crabs

#just #honestly #it's tumblr #crabrave #let it rain crabs!#heck yeah

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theraven-gil-lyn · 2 years

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rip to my art which took a lot of time and effort not showing up in the tags 💐

#oak.tree #oak.thoughts #//#i shouldn't be surprised #it's tumblr #but also a little bit </3 #like i swear it was there before #but it's not there anymore?#it's okay because people have already rb-ed it #(thank you ;-; ily)#but still #also angel's one is out too??#i saw it before #hhh it's about the worry that i'll miss stuff #but we shall see i guess #anyway

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ladyfenring · 2 years

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idk i just think sometimes you guys will see someone’s vent post and not consider that it was something they made in a difficult moment and just thought about how #relatable it sounded to yourself and that’s very telling. the number of times i’ve made a vent post during a horrible time in my life only to find that i got flooded with notifications of people reblogging it and tagging it as #mine and #same and #lol is truly breathtaking.

#and yeah i know #it's tumblr #the nature of tumblr is that people can reblog #it is just a bit shocking sometimes #like on top of feeling shitty i then have to deal with people taking my vent post out of context and saying 'lol me'#actually two weirdos won't stop looking at my blog and then talking about me on their blogs #despite me doing everything i can to get them to fuck off #it's a bit distressing #so yeah #i'm not thrilled with the fact that i made a vent post about it and now a bunch of people are reblogging it #because i feel like my situation is not applicable to everyone reblogging it #but maybe i'm wrong!

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vestrasorceryengineers · 1 year

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femboyvonaegir ➡ vestrasorceryengineers ✌🏼

#name change #it's tumblr #where usernames change every three months

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drawing-way-outside-the-lines · 1 year

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➖ Mature content, 18+ ➖ check the trigger tags each time ➖

Chapter 4 - Christmas Feelings. Episode 2.

Andy: Evan… I think it isnt much of a secret any longer that I have a major crush on you… I just thought it was about time I open my mouth about it he chuckled hoarse and sniffled his nose look, I know what this is, and I know it's probably never gonna lead anywhere, I get that you are straight… but I also do get that you feel something when we kiss. I'ts written all over your face. Something changed the past days, something had changed already the night where I kissed you in the hallway. There is something there now, we can't deny it…. well technically you can try all you want, but it doesnt change the fact that something is there. I dont know what it is? Love? Lust? Who knows? But I would like us to try to take a peek down that road, to try to see where it might lead. If you dare? I have feelings for you, and at least for me, I assure you this isn't just me wanting to jab my fucking dick into something again, if that's all I wanted I could swing by the local pub… or ride Daniel for a few hours… not to mention I have Congo. It's more than that… you arent just a hole, and I promise you, I will never suggest sex, unless you suggest it. Which I'm well aware probably wont ever happen, and Im okay with that. Evan: I opened my mouth to say something, but he hushed med and went on Andy: I love you as a friend, but lately it seems this love has grown bigger than that… and I think it's safe to say I am falling for you. I know you probably wont be comfortable with that, and I also know you probably wont be comfortable with any of this, lord knows I still at times feel uncomfortable in my "new" sexuality… so it is absolutely fine for me if we keep whatever happens between us a secret. I understand if you dont want anyone else involved in it, and I will respect you 100% in everything we do together. First and foremost you are my best friend, and I wouldnt wanna ruin that in any way. But I would like you to concider walking down this path with me, or at least take a peek at it…. maybe theres something good there? He smiled softly in a way so his eyes sparkled, and I suddenly felt very warm inside. I always knew he was very handsome, but right this moment I notice he was more than handsome… he was beautiful Evan: I opened my mouth buth no words came out, I was afraid, could I give him what he wanted without losing myself in it? Andy: He sighed softly, frowned and for a second I swear I saw tears in his eyes its okay, I understand… I wont kiss you again, it all ends here… I respect you. He looked up at me, forcing a half smile, but this time it was easy seeing the tears press to get out of his eyes. I felt a lump in my throat. I had come here to make him happy, to help him get through this difficult time, but I had only made it worse, more difficult. He looked at me with sad eyes, then turned around, stuck his hands in his pockets and started walking in the direction of the ranch. Evan: I stood frozen, observing him walking away, what was I going to do? He was sad because of me… all because I was scared.

#Once again sorry for the short format #it's Tumblr #not me....#unicornmanes #Evan Thompson #Andy Shaw-Thompson

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