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forhappysake · 3 months

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We're Okay

A/N - Guys idk where this came from. I guess I'm just feeling emotional and inspired.

Content - After JJ admits her decade-long love for Spencer, you and your boyfriend have to have a conversation to calm both of your doubts and fears.

Warnings: spencer reid x fem!reader, season 14 spoilers, anxiety, mentions of typical BAU-level crime stuff, fluff at the end

You walked in the door slowly, cautionary even; afraid the smallest noise would bring reality crashing down on you. The car ride home had been completely silent, as neither of you bothered to turn on the radio. Spencer shuffled in behind you, the click of the lock making you wince as you did your best to avoid his gaze. You stripped off your coat, throwing it over the couch before walking straight into the bathroom, shutting the door firmly behind you.

As you started the shower and stripped off your clothes, the evening’s events rushed back into your mind. Being involved in a hostage situation with an unstable unsub was one thing. JJ being held at gunpoint was worse. However, as if all that wasn’t enough, JJ admitting her decade-long hidden love for Spencer was the final nail in the coffin. As you climbed into the shower, you did your best to let the water wash away the thoughts running through your head.

Unfortunately, your attempt was unsuccessful. As you dried off and wrapped yourself in a towel, your mind raced. You’d been dating Spencer for nearly a year and a half. The two of you had just recently moved in together. Having known him and JJ for at least half a decade, you knew they were close, but you never would have guessed this was coming. You couldn’t help but wonder if he felt the same way she did. If so, what did this mean for your relationship?

After stalling in the bathroom for so long that goosebumps dotted your freshly dried body, you mustered up the courage to slip out of the bathroom and into the bedroom that you shared with Spencer. As you walked across the hallway, you could see his silhouette sitting on the living room couch, head bent forward. You couldn’t tell if he was reading or in deep thought, but you decided that either option was better than the alternative: trying to have a conversation.

You snuck into the bedroom, gently turning on the bedroom light and letting your eyes adjust to the warm glow of your room. You meandered to the closet, pulling out a simple t-shirt and shorts to sleep in. Slipping into your pajamas and stealing a glance at yourself in the vanity mirror, you noticed one of the many images covering the tabletop.

A framed photograph from less than a year ago of JJ, Will, Spencer, and yourself with the boys on a weekend hiking trip. You felt a pang of guilt in your chest and wondered if Will had any idea what was going on in JJ’s head. You shook the thought away, reminding yourself that you had bigger problems of your own to deal with. You turned back to the bed, sliding under the covers and turning off the light. Despite your distress, you were exhausted and you found yourself losing track of time and drifting off to sleep in mere minutes.

* * *

You awoke to the sound of the bedroom door latching shut. You rolled over, blinking your eyes open in an attempt to sneak a peak at your bedside alarm clock. You’d already been asleep for three hours and Spencer was just now coming to bed. It was well after midnight, and you knew that meant he had been up thinking about something. You figured it would be best not to push the subject after everything that had happened.

With your eyes shut, you waited to feel the familiar sensation of Spencer climbing into bed. Instead, you felt his weight at the foot of the bed, as if he had perched himself on the end. You tried not to think much of this and did your best to fake sleep. However, it soon became apparent that Spencer was on to you.

“I know you’re awake,” he said gently. His voice was gruff from the hours he’d spent in silence. Spencer waited before speaking again, “I think we should talk about what happened.”

There it is, you thought. Your stomach sank as your eyes fluttered open. You rolled over to face him, leaning up on your arms. It was then you noticed that he was still in his suit. His unkempt hair fell over his eyes and you couldn’t help but feel a bit sorry for the disheveled man in front of you. “Alright,” you relented, still refusing to meet his eyes, “what do you want to talk about?”

Spencer rolled his neck, tension evident in his movements. “I want to know how you feel about what was said earlier,” he said. For the first time in hours, you met his eyes, trying to gauge his sincerity. You found no signs of dishonesty, so you fell back on the bed, letting out a dramatic sigh.

“I don’t know, Spencer,” you groaned. “I definitely was surprised. I definitely wasn’t thrilled.” Spencer nodded, moving some hair away from his eyes as you spoke. “But,” you started again, “it’s not like we can go back and change it now.”

He reached an arm out, putting a hand over the covers on top of your knee. “I know,” he whispered, “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

You scoffed a bit at his sincerity and his innocence, meeting his eyes once more. “And how do you feel about it?” you asked.

Spencer bit his lip in thought. You could tell you had caught him off guard with the question, and he seemed to be calculating his response. “Can I be honest with you?” he said.

You raised your eyebrows, the nervous feeling in your stomach intensifying. Is this where he tells you he feels the same way and leaves for good? You pushed your thoughts to the side. “Always,” you whispered.

He sighed, laying back on the bed so he was next to you. You could feel the heat radiating off him, and you wanted nothing more than to curl into his warmth. You knew this wasn’t the time, so you held yourself back and held your breath, awaiting his response.

“First, I was confused,” Spencer explained, eyes locked on the ceiling. “I haven’t thought about JJ like that in over ten years. Frankly, I never knew she thought of me that way, so I was caught off-guard.”

So he did have a crush on her at one time, you thought. You were ready to close your eyes in defeat, to slip off the bed and out of the apartment and never come back when he cleared his throat.

“But then,” he started once more, “I had a quick epiphany of all the moments she’d gone out of her way for me, and I could understand where she was coming from.” You turned to look at him, watching his eyes scan the ceiling as he tried to come up with his next statements.

“And?” you asked, prompting him to continue.

“And then,” he continued your previous statement, “I was terribly appalled.”

Your head, which had turned to the ceiling, snapped back in his direction. You felt your eyebrows raise and your jaw drop open a bit in surprise. “Appalled?” you asked, confusion evident in your expression.

“Appalled,” Spencer echoed, sitting up on the edge of the bed once more and looking back at you.

“Why?” you asked.

Spencer shook his head, looking around the room. “I’ve been thinking about that for the last couple hours, and I’ve come up with a lot of reasons,” he mused. “I know she was in a tight place, but Will deserves better than that. The boys deserve better than that. But aside from them,” he leaned over on the bed, intertwining his fingers with yours, “I couldn’t stop thinking about what you must have thought. I was so afraid of your reaction and of losing you.”

Despite your evident emotional state as tears pooled in your eyes, you tried to play it off. “Spencer, this isn’t about me,” you reminded him.

“Yes,” he said, lying next to you, “it is.” Spencer ran a hand through his hair, pulling some curls out of his eyes. “Everyone knows how much I love you. I know how scary something like this can be. But you have to know that I have no idea where this came from and that anything JJ and I had died, on my end, long before I ever met you.”

You glanced over at him, the sincerity in his voice had moved you to believe him. For a moment, you forgot about JJ and Will, the boys, and the implications of her words. You offered his fingers a small squeeze. “So we’re okay?” you asked in a tiny voice.

“More than,” Spencer whispered.

He rolled on his side to face you and you mirrored his actions. He wrapped his arms tight around your body, the textured material of his suit jacket pressed against your cheek. A gentle kiss was pressed to your forehead and you found yourself falling back into sleep. After several minutes passed, you felt Spencer’s voice rumble through his chest for a final time before he succumbed to sleep: “Ever since I met you,” he mumbled, smoothing some stray hairs away from your face, “it’s always been you.”

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aperrywilliams · 2 years

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Not My Second Best (Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader)

(Not my gif. Credits to the creator!)

Author Masterlist

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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader.

Summary: After a case in Los Angeles, you see your boyfriend Spencer is acting weird. You don’t know why, but when you find out, you don’t know what to do, and you are sure that it would put a stone over your relationship.

Word Count: 8,4k (I couldn’t help it)

Warnings: MINOR DNI (18+). Strong language; mention of sex; alcohol consumption (reader’s drunk); reader confronting JJ (woohoo!!!); insecurities and self-deprecation thoughts (reader); nudity; fingering and oral (reader receiving), penetrative sex; unprotected sex; creampie. Angst with a happy ending.

A/N: It took me a while to end this one, job has been hectic lately, so sorry! For this fic, I combined this and this request. Thanks for reading, and keep sending me requests!

Do you want to be added to the taglist? Go HERE

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Work had been lazy in the past weeks, so you spent time with the team playing poker in the conference room.

It was the last game, and JJ and Spencer were the only ones playing. Gambling all the candies they both had, JJ took the win. You all laughed at Spencer’s confused face because he had thought he would win.

But the giggles stopped when Emily announced that you had a case.

This time you were flying to Los Angeles. The unsub collides his victims’ vehicles with his own, gets out of the car to go to the driver’s window, and shoots the victim to death.

After discussing theories in the jet, Emily instructed you on what you all should do after touching down. Agreeing with that, you returned to your seats for the rest of the flight. You sat next to your boyfriend, Spencer. JJ and Tara were in front of you.

“And how’s the new apartment?” Tara asked you. A smile formed on Spencer’s lips, looking at you and deciding who would reply to Tara’s question.

“It’s great! A lot bigger than mine was. We have a guest room and an office we can use too,” you explained excitedly, grabbing Spencer’s hand and interlocking your fingers with his.

This was a new step for you both.

You had been in a relationship for almost two years now with the resident genius. Although you started working in the BAU ten years ago, you never dared to go beyond a friendship with Spencer even when it was evident that there was more than that between you both. Pining for each other for a long time, finally, Spencer got the confidence to confess his love for you. You launched into his arms, admitting you felt the same. That’s how your relationship as a couple started.

Now you lived together, and things have been pretty good, like a honeymoon, you would have said.

Arriving in Los Angeles, everyone got into the business. Tracking the unsub became more complicated than you thought, and you started to feel the pressure. Rossi would get married in two days, so you needed to catch this guy soon.

After a deep digging, you got a name.

The bad news was that the unsub kidnapped two people and was on the run.

You were assigned to patrolling the streets with Luke when the police radio announced they had the unsub’s car in sight.

JJ and Spencer were nearest him, so they went into the chase.

But none of you expected the unsub would take them as hostages in a locked store.

For several minutes you didn’t have eyes or ears for what was happening. Garcia only could make one camera work.

The situation was tense, and you feared the worst.

Then shots were heard, and you and the team stomped into the store.

Relief washed over you when you saw JJ and Spencer alive and well. The unsub was dead.

You couldn’t help but hug your boyfriend. Spencer hugged you back tightly before a paramedic approached to check his injuries: a cut on his right hand.

You then went to check on JJ, who seemed still in shock. She barely said a word to you, but you understood. Spencer looked equally shocked, if you were honest.

None of you knew what really happened inside. None of you could hear what they said, and not Spencer nor JJ detailed much of that. But it would be time for that later. Now you needed to pack and run to the jet to return home.

The flight was very silent. You saw Spencer looking through the window and inadvertently rubbing his bandaged hand from time to time.

“Hey, are you okay? It hurts?” You asked, concerned. He turned to see you.

“Uh? A little. But it’s nothing. I’m okay,” he smiled, grasping your hand with his not-bandaged one. You smiled back, leaning your head on Spencer’s shoulder.

Spencer could be a very particular man. He is usually very talkative regarding things that produce enthusiasm in him. His tendency to ramble is one of his characteristic treats, and you love it.

On the other hand, when something stressful happens to him, Spencer doesn’t speak much and has a hard time expressing his feelings.

But after years of knowing each other, he is more open to you. Your strategy has been to give him time to process first. Spencer knows he can talk to you when he’s ready to. That’s why you didn’t push it when he kept quiet after the jet touched down in Virginia that morning.

In the apartment, he stayed contemplative and barely said a word. Surely he needed time to process the last case.

At Rossi’s wedding the next day, he looked more present, and you could tell he enjoyed the party.

But his pensive look returned after he went for a glass of water at the bar. You saw him talking to JJ for a while. You didn’t say anything at the time, but you made a mental note to ask later.

That night you wanted to spice things. Seeing him in a tuxedo did nothing for you but want him. To you, he is the sexiest man walking the earth, and you needed to have him. Besides, you thought a bit of intimacy could help Spencer unwind from whatever was bothering him.

The making-out session was heating the mood, but when you straddled him and started playing with his shirt buttons, he suddenly stopped you.

“What’s wrong?” You asked, concerned.

“Uh - I’m sorry. It’s late already, and we need to sleep,” Spencer said, averting his gaze from you.

“Oh, okay. But we could sleep better after a bit of loving, you know?” you suggested seductively, kissing his jaw. But Spencer didn’t budge, and you wouldn’t force him either. He apologizes again, and you only told him it was okay, that you weren’t mad or anything.

And it was true that you weren’t mad, although you were confused and a bit worried.

In the following weeks, Spencer seemed more like himself, though. So you thought he had already moved on from Los Angeles’s case.

But you noticed that something between Spencer and JJ was off. They barely talked. You didn’t know why. It‘s like they felt awkward in the presence of each other. Spencer never mentioned to you that they fought or anything. You felt bad because whatever it was, it seemed that they were hurt by it.

You tried to talk to Spencer about what was happening between them, but he avoided the topic every time you brought it.

One day even you dared to ask JJ what was going on, and she looked at you in horror.

“What do you mean what’s going on between Spencer and me?” She asked defensively.

“Precisely that. You barely talk to each other. I’m worried because you are best friends; lately, it looks like anything but that. Can I help?”

JJ‘s look was a mix of empathy and... guilt? You didn’t know why, though. Grabbing your hand, she told you everything was just fine.

You assumed they talked at some point because you saw them interact a bit more some weeks after you spoke to JJ.

Deciding that it wasn’t your problem to solve, you focused on the cases that kept coming to the BAU.

A couple of months later, Everett Linch’s daughter’s escape from prison ended with JJ suffering a GSW. You and Spencer found her bleeding in a parking garage. It was shocking to see, and you could tell that Spencer almost freaked out. So you kept calm and helped JJ stay awake until the ambulance arrived.

As the ER staff took care of JJ, you called the team and William. You both sat in the waiting room. Spencer’s look was blank.

“She’s gonna be okay,” you soothed him. Spencer looked at you, and you didn’t know why he seemed guilty if none of that was his fault.

The poor William couldn’t understand what happened, so you tried to recount the facts and keep his spirit high.

The minutes turned into hours. At some point, Will needed to pick up the boys, but he didn’t want to tell them what happened until JJ could be out of danger. So you volunteered to help him and keep the kids occupied for a while.

“Hey, I’m going with Will to pick up the boys. It’s that okay?” You asked Spencer, who only nodded.

Exhaustion and nervousness were written all over his face.

“I love you,” you mumbled, kissing his forehead. And he only returned a weary smile.

You knew Spencer was having a hard time, but something in your chest ached when he didn’t say it back. You brushed off the feeling and focused on helping Will.

Henry and Michael were the cutest boys in the world. You tried to keep them entertained so they couldn’t notice their dad’s worry and their mom’s absence.

Spencer didn’t text or call you. Will did it some hours after, saying JJ was out of danger and that he would take the boys to see her later.

Relief came to you. JJ would be okay.

William wanted to prepare Henry and Michael first, so he told you if you wanted to return to the hospital, it was okay. You agreed to that because you were worried about Spencer.

As you reached the hospital room, you listened to Spencer and JJ’s voices. You smiled because she was awake. It was a sign that the worst was over. But you stopped in your tracks when you heard JJ crying. Confused, you didn’t know if it was a good idea to come in. Were they arguing? Maybe you shouldn’t be there eavesdropping on a conversation that wasn’t to do with you. But you were curious.

“I’m so sorry, Spence. Since what happened in Los Angeles, we have been distant, and it’s my fault,” JJ sniffled.

Your eyes widened when she mentioned Los Angeles. Was she referring to the case you had months ago?

“Don’t be sorry. It’s okay,” Spencer soothed her. His voice was trembling, though. You could tell he wanted to cry.

“It’s not. You know it,” JJ insisted.

What was not okay? What happened that night when they were both hostages? You racked your brain, thinking about what this was all about.

“But it’s not your fault. I would never think it is,” Spencer declared.

“I thought that I would take this secret to the grave. And then the unsub was pushing me, and I said it. And then, at Rossi’s wedding, when you asked me if I meant it, I didn’t want to admit that I meant it. That I do love you,” she blurted out.

Suddenly your stomach twisted, your throat went dry, and you even found breathing difficult. Did you hear correctly?

It was hard to process those words, but in a matter of seconds, your mind wandered to each moment in the past months. Then everything made sense. You remembered pretty well how shocked Spencer seemed after the hostage situation, how JJ avoided looking at you. Then the silent flight. You remembered how Spencer’s mood changed after talking to JJ at Rossi’s wedding. How reluctant he was to touch you for weeks. The following cases in which he barely spoke to her, and the awkward looks between them. How bad he looked the past hours, maybe thinking he wouldn’t see her again.

Every piece fits perfectly.

“But, you do?” Spencer’s voice cracked.

“Yes. God. I’m so sorry, Spence. Sometimes I think about what would have happened if things were different.”

‘If things were different.’ You felt so stupid.

How couldn’t you see it before?

Quickly you made your way out of the hospital, getting up to your car and driving. Where? You weren’t quite sure. Anywhere but there.

As you drove through the streets of DC, your head echoed the words you had just heard repeatedly. And now what? You asked yourself. You shouldn’t know about this in theory, but was it possible to ignore it? No. Maybe you would if it was anyone else, but not when it comes to JJ.

You know there was history between them. You knew Spencer was in love with JJ years ago. But they ended up best friends afterward. You were very aware of how important JJ is to Spencer and vice-versa. But was she important enough to jeopardize your relationship with him? Would it ignite the spark between them now that Spencer knows her feelings?

The tears made driving difficult, so you pulled into a store’s parking lot.

You stayed there for an undetermined time. It must have been quite a while because your cell phone went off with Spencer’s name displayed on the screen.

You would have liked to continue in ignorance, so you would not have to pretend everything was fine. You couldn’t, so you texted Spencer that you returned to the BAU to help the team and not the hospital, as you said to Will earlier.

At the BAU, after discovering what Linch did to her daughter, there wasn’t much more to do, so Emily sent everyone home. Spencer arrived just before you could leave the building. He rushed by your side, showing a worried look.

“Hey, I heard what happened,” Spencer said, trying to reach your hand with his. But you did as if you didn’t notice, switching your bag in your hands to avoid his touch.

“Yeah. We lost him,” you confirmed. “Now Emily sent us home. Rossi is the one talking to Roberta.”

“Okay, let’s go then,” he tried to grab your bag this time, but you didn’t let him.

“Maybe you should talk to Emily first. You know, filling her about the past hours.”

You wanted to go home, avoiding talking to him. Spencer frowned; he noticed something was off with you.

“I’m sure she will go to the hospital right now; I don’t think...”

“You need to, Spencer. It’s protocol,” you cut him off. Spencer was taken aback by your reaction, but he blamed the stress.

“Okay. Okay, you are right. Would you wait for me for a couple of minutes?”

“I better go home now. I’m exhausted. See you later.”

Without a goodbye kiss or any affection demonstration, you left the bullpen.

Spencer now was confused.

Did he do something? Why were you upset?

That question hovered in Spencer’s mind on his way home. It didn’t help that the apartment was strangely quiet. You weren’t in the living room or the kitchen. He assumed you were taking a bath, but to his surprise, you were in bed, covered to your nose with the comforter.

“Hey, are you okay?” Spencer asked you in a soft voice. He knew you weren’t sleeping.

“Just tired,” you mumbled.

“Do you need anything? Can I get you a cup of tea or...?”

“I just need to sleep, Spencer. That’s all.” You cut him off. You didn’t want to sleep, but you couldn’t face him without replaying the words you heard in the hospital.

Spencer didn’t push. He got ready for bed in silence and joined you a bit later.

He contemplated you for a while, and although he couldn’t see your face, Spencer knew you were lying.

He would ask you what happened in the morning.

When Spencer awoke the next day, your spot in bed was empty and cold. You weren’t in the apartment either. He called you, but you didn’t answer. Just before he started to freak out, you texted him not to worry that you were helping your sister in a little ‘family emergency.’ That was another lie. You just wanted to avoid talking to him. What could you possibly say? If he didn’t tell you what happened before, it was evident that he didn’t want you to know.

You kept the secret for yourself and tried to go on with life. But it didn’t feel okay.

Your insecurities made their appearance and haunted your mind.

Maybe Spencer didn’t love you. Perhaps you were just his second-best after JJ.

You knew things were complicated: JJ was married and had kids. But love doesn’t care about social roles.

What if the love they shared was greater than everything else?

You were only a hindrance now, even if Spencer didn’t say it.

He knew something was off with you. He tried to make you talk but with no avail. Things between you both turned cold and distant. And that only increased your feeling of being a nuisance for him. You averted his touch, too; you didn’t want to have sex, thinking he wanted to do it only for pity or stress relief.

Two weeks passed, and the cases on the BAU kept coming. You were somewhat grateful for that because that gave you an excuse not to be alone with Spencer all day.

Even if you shared a bed, you weren’t affectionate with each other at night. There was always an excuse for you, and you supposed Spencer believed you. But he didn’t. Spencer started to think you were looking for a reason to break up with him, and he didn’t know why. He was afraid of even bringing up the topic. So neither of you dared to talk about the elephant in the room.

After JJ returned to work, Rossi invited the team to dinner at his house. You weren’t too enthusiastic about it, but it would be odd if Spencer shows up and you don’t.

So there you were, holding your sixth glass of wine. Maybe drinking too much wasn’t the smart choice, but you didn’t feel like being sober.

For days you were trying to build up the courage to talk to Spencer. But that would mean you needed to tell him what you knew. And after weeks, it felt wrong to bring it up. So you felt trapped.

But that night at Rossi’s, though? You were so fed up that you didn’t care a shit anything.

Maybe the universe was giving you a sign.

You especially thought about that when JJ stood from her chair with a glass of wine in hand.

“I want to make a toast for us. For our honest friendship. For being for each other and supporting us in the good and the bad times. For speaking from the truth and loving each other like the family we are,” she said, looking at everyone at the table. But you could swear that her gaze lingered over Spencer.

Maybe the alcohol in your system made you feel it worse, but those words were anything but accurate for you. Honest friendship? When you knew she was hiding one of her biggest secrets from all of you. What about Spencer? He was hiding this from you too. Was he still thinking about it? Did he consider it? Above all, he didn’t say anything. Whenever you asked him what was happening, he said it was nothing. And who else knew? Rossi? Maybe Emily? Yeah, perhaps you were being paranoid. But it felt so fake and condescending that you wanted to throw up.

The ‘past you’ would have kept her mouth shut. But you were done. It had been exhausting weeks since you discovered the truth. So, what the hell? Why not end this for once?

After everyone said “cheers” and sipped their beverage, you cleared your throat so the team could focus on you. Spencer looked at you, surprised; he knew you weren’t keen to do speeches. But lately, he felt like he didn’t know much about you.

“What a wonderful toast, JJ! It’s amazing to see you talking like that. And it’s amazing how wrong you are!” You laughed before sipping your wine. The team’s faces changed from amused to confused. Spencer turned to you, but you ignored him. JJ frowned, and a nervous smile spotted on her lips.

“What do you mean? It was just...” she started to explain, but you cut her off.

“A toast! I know! But I’m sorry, I’m done with your bullshit, you know? Oh! So sorry. Did I say it aloud?” you mocked, shooking your head.

It was nice to feel that adrenaline in your body—the adrenaline of finally saying what was in your mind, even if it was politically incorrect.

“(Y/N), I think you shouldn’t keep drinking,” Spencer intervened, trying to grab your glass of wine. You moved your hand to avoid that.

“No, no, no. You don’t have the right to tell me what I should or should not do. None of you! Especially when you are hiding something from me!” You raised your voice, pointing your finger to JJ. She looked at Spencer, who was confused but, for the most part, worried. He never saw you like this. Yes, you have been tipsy before, but you usually are what they call a ‘pacific drunk.’ What changed now?

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” JJ said, visibly uncomfortable.

“You don’t? Well, I guess you need a fresh reminder. Why you don’t tell us what really happened in that store in Los Angeles some months ago, uh?”

Spencer and JJ’s faces were pure panic now.

“Hey, kiddo. It’s celebrating time; why do you slow down a bit?” Rossi suggested.

“I’m sorry, Dave, but I will not. Not until you both tell the truth,” you said, pointing to Spencer and JJ. “I don’t think it would be hard; we are like a family, right?” You told them sardonically.

“(Y/N) stop,” Spencer interjected, but you wouldn’t listen to him. You wanted her to say it, admit it.

“Tell them! Don’t let them find out as I did!” You demanded.

JJ’s eyes swelled with tears.

“Don’t do this. (Y/N), please,” she begged.

“(Y/N), we can talk about this later,” Spencer tried to persuade you.

You rolled your eyes and scoffed.

“Now you want to talk about that? That’s a change!”

Emily sensing what would happen next, made a sign to the rest of the team to leave and enter the house. Everyone quickly moved inside, leaving you there with Spencer and JJ.

“Where are you all going? You are going to miss the fun here!” You called, but no one dared to respond.

Annoyed, you drank the remained wine in your glass. JJ was doing everything in her power not to cry, and Spencer shifted in his weight, uncomfortable.

“Well. The audience left. I’m waiting,” you insisted.

“How did you find out?” Spencer asked.

“Are you truly asking me that? Fuck you, Spencer. I’m a damn profiler. And on top of that, your fucking girlfriend. Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”

“It’s not what you think...” JJ tried to explain, but you cut her off.

“And what I’m thinking? That you love him? Is it not like that?”

“We are just friends,” JJ pointed. You huffed a laugh.

“I didn’t say you weren’t. But you confessed to being in love with him. And did you occur that it would not be consequences? How naive, JJ. I thought you were clever enough,” you chastised her.

“I - I should have...” JJ trailed off, trying to clarify.

“(Y/N), this doesn’t have to do with us,” Spencer said as his hand reached for yours with no success.

“I’m very aware. Because I know it has to do with you and her!” You yelled to Spencer, who now understood the past weeks between you both. He felt like a complete idiot.

“No! I would never interfere in your relationship,” JJ cried.

“Yeah. I heard when you said you wanted to take the secret to the grave. But you didn’t, and now you have this man debating about what to do. And don’t tell me you didn’t think about it, Spencer,” you said, now shifting your gaze to him.

“No! Of course not! I’m with you, for God’s sake!” Spencer chimed.

“Wrong answer, genius. You are with me, but you can be with her. I’m sure Will can be nice enough to make room for the three of you in his house. You can raise the kids together. Like a happy modern family!”

“Now you are talking nonsenses,” Spencer scoffed.

“Don’t you dare to talk about my husband and kids in that way, (Y/N)” JJ warned you; she was no longer crying.

“Oh! The mamma bear is here! Don’t fool me with that. You told Spencer that you might have a chance if things were different. So why not? Let’s make it different!”

“Why are you doing this? I love you (Y/N),” Spencer tried to reason with you.

“Are you sure about that? Then why do I feel like your second best, uh?” You asked, feeling the ache in your chest. Saying it aloud hurt you more than you thought it would.

“That’s not true!”

“C’mon, Spencer; you have been in love with her since day one. When I joined the team was public knowledge you were pinning for JJ. But yeah, she had Will’s baby, then married him. Things got messy, but I’m sure your feelings are still there.”

“She is my best friend!” Spencer yelled.

“And the love of your life. Don’t let someone like me interfere with your happiness,” you sneered. God, you needed another drink.

“Are you really thinking my feelings for you are nothing?”

You thought about that for a second. Yeah, maybe Spencer has feelings for you. But you were almost sure that love wasn’t one of them.

“(Y/N), Spencer loves you!” JJ tried to convince you, but you looked at her with skepticism.

“Why should I believe what you say, uh?”

“Because it’s true! That’s why I didn’t say anything. This - this mess is in my head, non in Spencer’s. And it’s my problem, not him or yours,” she explained, sniffling again.

“So it’s true,” you pointed.

“You really want me to say it?” JJ asked, hurt written on her face.

“Are you brave enough?” You challenged her.

JJ kept silent for a moment, but she bit the bullet anyway.

“Yes! I love Spencer, okay? That’s what you wanted to hear? Uh? Do you want to hear that I’m in love with him and that I’ll always love him? What else? Do you want me to say that I wish he weren’t in a relationship with you so I could have his full attention on me?” JJ spat. The nerves and stress made her lose composure.

“Jennifer, stop!” Spencer cut her off harshly.

“No! Let her talk!” You insisted.

“No. It’s enough. You are drunk (Y/N). And this is not the place either. I’m sorry if I pushed you to this, but you must stop,” Spencer begged.

You sighed dramatically. Maybe you shouldn’t be doing this, but you reached your limit.

“Fine. I already said what I had to say anyway. Keep enjoying the night,” you told them, walking to the house. Passing by JJ’s side, you stopped for a second. “You can keep him. You always had him.”

The hot air in the living room contrasted with the chill outside, and you felt dizzy. You didn’t even notice Spencer behind you as you didn’t notice the rest of the team looking at you.

“Let’s go home,” Spencer told you softly, settling a hand on your arm.

“I’m not going anywhere with you. Don’t touch me!” You cried out, yanking your arm from him.

“(Y/N), please...” Spencer argued.

“I think it’s better if she comes with me,” Tara interrupted, looking at Spencer to agree that it was the best for now.

“My sweet Tara is saving my ass again,” you giggled. Your inebriated state was taking a toll on you. You only wanted to run away from there. Tara helped you put your coat on and led you to her car.

You didn’t remember much after that. Your brain shut down until the next morning when the sunlight and the worst headache in the world woke you up. Your head was throbbing, and you felt your mouth dry.

With difficulty, you got up from bed and padded to the kitchen, where Tara was eating breakfast.

“Good morning. Coffee?” She offered, standing from her seat to grab a mug for you.

“Please. Thank you,” you replied, sitting on the barstool in front of Tara.

She handed you the mug and sat again to finish her breakfast. Tara didn’t want to bother you, so she kept respectfully silent.

Sipping your coffee, flashbacks from the previous night came to your mind. You couldn’t help but wince at the memory.

“What did I do, Tara?” Your question was primarily rhetorical, but you wanted to know how far the team knew.

“I can partially answer that. Considering that we were inside the house when you, Reid, and JJ were yelling outside,” she told you, sipping her remaining coffee.

“Did you hear what I said there?”

“Not quite. Emily didn’t let us. But it wasn’t difficult to guess,” Tara shrugged.

“Fuck,” you cursed under your breath.

“Privacy would have been better to discuss something like that, but I guess you had your reasons,” she reassured you.

“Yeah, I have. But now I’m the hysterical girlfriend,” you winced.

“I don’t think you are. We are profilers (Y/N). We noticed it too,” Tara reassured you.

“You knew it?”

“No. Reid and JJ didn’t tell anyone. And they should have their reasons too. I’m not exempting them from liability. I’m just saying it’s complicated.”

“I guess. But at some point, knowing it and not saying anything was too much for me,” you explained, trying to make sense of the last events.

“You don’t have to justify yourself (Y/N). It’s something you need to talk about with Reid. Speaking of, he called a few times this morning. He is worried,” she informed you.

“I don’t fucking care,” you mumbled, your anger boosting again.

“I need to disagree on that,” Tara pointed. You shook your head.

“It’s already done anyway. Spencer can be free now. Do with his life whatever he pleases.”

“Did you break up last night?”

“I guess so. I don’t remember much, but considering what happened, it would be enough to do so.”

As a cue, Your phone went off. It was Spencer. You squeezed your eyes shut.

“You would have to talk to him at some point,” she reminded you.

Tara was right. But not for now, so you declined the call.

You let out a deep sigh. Tara poured more coffee into your mug; you surely needed it.

“You can take a shower and stay all the time you need,” she offered.

“Thank you, Tara. Really. I appreciate what you did for me last night and now.”

“Don’t mention it. I’m glad to be helpful.”

You stayed at Tara’s for a few hours. You took a shower and had lunch. That way, your hangover subsided during the afternoon. You knew you had to come back to the apartment and talk to Spencer, but you needed to be prepared for whatever outcome.

Around six, you were opening the apartment door. Spencer was on the couch reading a book. Once he heard your key on the lock, his eyes focused on the entrance.

“Hey,” Spencer stood quickly from the couch when you entered.

“Hey,” you parroted, biting your lower lip.

“Uh - I tried to call you. How do you feel?” He asked cautiously.

“Not hangover, at least. Sleep, coffee, and shower helped.”

“Okay. Good.”

An awkward silence settled between you both. Neither you nor Spencer didn’t know how to address the topic. You knew you had to, but you were afraid of the consequences. You were sure your relationship with Spencer was over, and it would take him just a few minutes to admit he loved JJ.

It was for the best anyway; you didn’t think you could bear the thought of his longing for another woman.

“Just give me some says to pack my things, and I’ll leave, okay?” You said, pinching the bridge of your nose and trying to conceal the pain you felt.

Spencer looked at you in shock.

“What - what are you talking about? Leave? Why?”

“Please, Spencer. We know this could happen sooner or later. I don’t want to be a burden to you,” you mumbled.

“(Y/N), stop that!” He demanded, approaching and urging you to look at him. ”Just stop assuming things that are not true, okay?”

You looked at him in disbelief.

“They aren’t true? I don’t think...”

“Yeah, exactly! They aren’t!” He yelled to cut you off. You cringed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. Just... Please, can you listen to me for a minute? Let me explain, okay?”

Bad idea or not, he didn’t have the chance to say anything before. You didn’t consider it necessary because things were crystal clear for you.

“You don’t have to tell me what I already know, Spencer.”

“Please?”

You let out a deep sigh. Spencer wouldn’t stop until you listened to him. You nodded, folding your arms over your chest. Spencer cleared his throat.

“I know I should have said something before. I did notice your discomfort in the past weeks, but it didn’t occur to me that you heard us talking in the hospital room.

I’m not going to lie (Y/N). When JJ said ‘that’ in Los Angeles, I froze; I never expected something remotely close to that. And it’s the truth. Maybe ten years ago, it would have been something to make things different in my life, but it isn’t now. Not after I met you, not after all we have been through.

If I looked lost and confused, it wasn’t because I had doubts about us or my feeling for you. It was because I worried that our friendship with JJ to change. JJ is my best friend. It’s been like that for years, and I wouldn’t like to change it.” Spencer explained, looking at you directly in the eyes.

“Even if she admitted her true feelings?”

You knew Spencer wouldn’t have done anything about his love for her because he didn’t think she felt the same. But now? That was your worst fear: the open door.

“Yes. Because what I feel for JJ it’s completely different from what I feel for you. I can’t love her the way I love you even if I tried.”

Spencer took a step closer to you, tentatively reaching out to rest his hand over your shoulder. You did let him do it. His touch was warm and welcoming, but you still couldn’t brush out the internal voice in your head telling you that Spencer was only pitying you.

“So why you didn’t tell me? What were you afraid of?” You asked, shifting in your spot, Spencer’s hand falling to his side.

“This exact scenario, I guess. I didn’t want to put a shadow of a doubt on you. But it happened nonetheless, and I was dumb thinking that if I didn’t say anything, things would be okay,” Spencer admitted.

“That’s what I can’t understand. I thought you trusted me, Spencer. I asked you about it so many times that I lost count. How do you expect me to believe you? You hid it from me!”

A new wave of rage ran through your veins, remembering the nights you fell asleep silently crying, looking at Spencer sleeping peacefully as your brain was telling you he didn’t love you anymore.

“I know. I know, and I’m so sorry. It was stupid. I messed it up. I didn’t want you to hold a grudge against JJ, so I kept it to myself. It was a mistake,” he apologized.

“And she talking about friendship and honesty last night? So out of place.” You scoffed. Spencer down cast his gaze.

“Not very fortunate. I know.”

“JJ honestly thought that wouldn’t have any consequences?” You mused. You were angry at her because of all this mess, but primarily because she chose that from all the things she could have said.

“I don’t think she thought about that when it happened. It was a moment with a lot of pressure, so I guess she didn’t think of that,” Spencer hypothesized.

A silence settled between the two of you. Spencer was trying to figure out what you were thinking. You were internally fighting to decide if you wanted to believe him or not. After a moment, you spoke again.

“You regret it?”

Spencer frowned.

“Regret what?”

“Not making a move on her years ago?”

Spencer shook his head, narrowing his eyes.

“No. Why should I?”

“Because you two would have ended together. It’s not difficult to picture you both as a couple. JJ is pretty, intelligent, caring, strong, and badass. I get it; it’s not hard to fall in love with her,” you shrugged.

“Don’t say that as if you weren’t all those things and even more!” Spencer protested.

“Well, I’m not, Spencer! At least not like her,” you yelled, tears pricking your eyes.

“Hey! Look at me!” Spencer tilted your chin so you could look at him.

“You don’t need to be like her because you’re amazing! And I love you just the way you are. (Y/N), you are the one for me. You are not my second best. You are my only best. There is no person more perfect to me than you. Why is it so difficult to believe?”

You let out a raging sob.

“I don’t know! Jeez, Spencer. Sometimes it’s difficult to believe I’m enough for you when you can be with anyone else.”

“Well, you should start to believe it (Y/N). And I’m sorry if I have failed to prove it. What can I say or do to show you how I see you?”

Spencer asked, grabbing your hand in his and stroking your left cheek with his free one. You leaned into his touch, closing your eyes.

“(Y/N)... you are the most exceptional human being I had the luck to know and love.”

You opened your eyes and saw him with his gaze on you. His hazel eyes were staring at you intensely as if they could look at your soul.

“Crossing paths with you was the best thing that ever happened to me. Do you know what Morgan said to me on your first day at the BAU, seeing that I couldn’t stop looking at you? ‘Oh, pretty boy, you’re so whipped,’ and he was right,” he chuckled, using his other hand to stroke your right cheek.

“You enchanted me the moment I saw you, and it was so hard trying to get you out of my mind. I knew I had no chance with you. How could I? It was impossible that a person so beautiful, brilliant, vibrant, and brave could love someone as damaged as me. And you proved me wrong. You gave me your heart; I swear it’s my most beloved possession. I’m sorry if I haven’t taken care of it properly. I’m sorry if I hurt you and made you doubt my love for you.”

You had to admit Spencer has a thing with words. They touched your heart. Nonetheless, you inspected his eyes to see any sign of deception, and you found none.

“I love you, Spencer,” you mumbled. Spencer smiled, drying your tears with his thumbs.

“And I love you. So so much. I’m sorry for making you doubt that way. I promise you that my feelings didn’t change in the slightest after Los Angeles. And they will never change (Y/N). Never,” Spencer assured you, now grasping your hands and kissing your knuckles.

“Now I feel bad for the hard time I gave you last night,” you apologized, feeling embarrassed for how you acted in Rossi’s. Spencer shook his head.

“None of that. You don’t have to apologize. It’s my fault for not noticing something was wrong. You didn’t know, and you were afraid. I get it.”

You let out a deep breath. You were no longer crying, and your chest felt lighter. Looking at Spencer, you got lost in his eyes. In your mind, just one thing: kiss him. It seemed Spencer could hear your thoughts because slowly, he leaned. At mid-way, your lips met. A sweet kiss full of love. You tilted your head and put your arms around his neck to deepen the kiss. You missed your boyfriend. You missed the tenderness between the two of you. Spencer’s hands found your waist and pulled you tightly against his body. He missed you too, and he needed to show you he wasn’t going anywhere.

When you parted for air, Spencer pecked your nose and your forehead.

“I love you. Please, don’t think otherwise,” Spencer whispered. You hummed in agreement and pulled him for another kiss. This one was more heated and passionate. You could feel the longing in Spencer’s lips as his tongue swiped your lower lip. A moan made you part your lips, and Spencer took that chance to explore your mouth with his tongue. You lightly tugged the hair on the nape of his neck, making him groan.

“I’ve missed you,” you mumbled on his lips.

“Me too. Would you let me show you how much?” Spencer asked you. You could see the look that never fails to make your knees weak: pupils dilated and eyes full of lust.

You nodded, feeling the heat running through your body.

“I could start with how I missed your lips. Your plump and kissable lips.” Spencer pecked them before brushing your lower lip with his thumb.

His touch sent shivers down your spine.

“They do things to me, you know? Like when you pout as you’re deep in thinking or when you part them the times I’m pleasuring you. And what can I say about the little noises that escape from them when I worship you.”

You couldn’t stop the whimper that left your mouth—arousal filling your body. Spencer’s fingers were dancing down your collarbone, never breaking eye contact.

“Spencer...” You moaned, eyes lost in his gaze. Words failed you to say how much you needed him. But he understood. He knew you better than yourself.

“Shush. It’s okay, sweetheart. Let me take care of you. Let me show you I mean it,” he cooed, trailing kisses from your cheeks to your jaw and neck.

“Mmm.”

The pleasure was so overwhelming that you only could make sounds. Spencer didn’t think twice and left wet open-mouth kisses on your skin. You threw back your head to give him better access.

“I love your neck. It’s so sensitive and smells delicious. My lips could stay here forever, kissing, sucking, marking...”

The action itself punctuated each word.

You were positive that you’d find out a trail of hickies tomorrow. But you didn’t care.

“Spencer, please...”

“Yes, sweetheart. I’m here,” he mumbled, leaving traces of his touch on your covered skin. But you needed more. Your clothes were an obstacle you couldn’t stand for another minute.

Parting from his kisses, you grabbed Spencer’s hand and led him to your bedroom. Illuminated only with the dim light from the hallway, you make him sit on the edge of the bed as you peel out your clothes, tossing the garments anywhere in the room. Spencer’s eyes roamed your body, licking his lips in anticipation. You are gorgeous and flawless. You are beyond perfect. He doesn’t understand why you can’t see that.

Your naked form approached him, your hands moving to his shirt buttons. As your fingers fumbled, trying to reveal the skin of his chest, Spencer’s hands clutched your breasts, leaning to lick your hard nipples. You couldn’t help the moan that ripped from you, making your task of undressing him more difficult.

“Am I distracting you?” Spencer teased as he alternated his attention from one breast to the other.

“Very much so,” you protested, heavily breathing due to how sensitive your nipples were. Spencer smirked and gave you a truce, leaning back in the bed and resting on his elbows. You bit your lower lip to resume your task. In minutes, his clothes were on the floor, and you were pulled to the bed by Spencer. Your back on the mattress as he hovered over you.

“So beautiful. So gorgeous.” Spencer praised, peppering kisses on your skin.

“You are one to talk,” you teased, letting out a half sigh and half moan. Spencer’s mouth on your body didn’t do anything but set your body on fire. His kisses trailed down, reaching your hips and then your thighs. Out of instinct, you parted your legs, revealing to him all of you. Spencer growled at the sight.

“I’m going to make you feel good. The way you deserve, sweetheart.”

Then he dove between your legs to fulfill that promise. And God, he did it right.

His tongue was gentle but hungry, and his fingers explored every part of you. Your moans and cries rewarded his touch. You were lost in delight, and Spencer couldn’t be more satisfied seeing how he could give you such pleasure.

A scream of his name told Spencer you were close. To make you fall to the edge, he sped his motions: tongue and fingers moving faster in you.

“I’m - oh!” You whimpered.

“I know. Let me feel you, my love. Let me drink all of you,” Spencer demanded, moaning in your core. That did the trick. You reached your pick, and the coil in your lower stomach snapped. A cry of pleasure left your lungs as your back arched, and your muscles tensed only to relax as you descended from your high.

Spencer repositioned by your side on the mattress, looking at you with adoration in his eyes. You looked at him back, lids half-open, still regulating your breathing.

“I love you, Spencer,” you mumbled. He beamed at you. His hazel eyes shone in the dim light coming from the hallway.

“I love you too, (Y/N). You and only you,” he said as he leaned down to kiss you. It was a sweet kiss, but you still needed more. You both needed more.

“Make me yours,” you requested on Spencer’s lips. “And remind me who you belong.”

Spencer moaned, feeling his hardness twitch over your thigh.

He kissed you again, this time with purpose and passion. His body was in flames, and in his mind, just one thought: ‘she’s mine, I’m hers.’

Kneeling between your legs, Spencer parted from your kiss to look into your eyes. You nodded, telling him you were ready for him. Barely blinking, he aligned in your entrance - the gates of Heaven, he could say.

Slowly he made room for him in you. Spencer bottomed out and stilled for a moment so you could be accustomed to him inside of you. The feeling made you both moan at the same time.

When you slightly started to rock your hips, Spencer knew you were ready. He retracted almost completely to snap his hips forward again, setting a steady and slow pace, savoring each part he could reach inside you.

“Oh God, Spencer...” His gaze on you as he thrust again and again. You were so immersed in his pace that you only wanted this moment not to end. He was equally focused on you.

“Fuck. You feel so so good (Y/N),” Spencer panted. Sweat glistened on his forehead and chest.

“Spencer, please. Harder,” you demanded.

You wanted to feel everything. You wanted to blend your body with his.

The way you both moved in unison only made your need and love for that man grow. How could you even think of a life without him?

Spencer’s gaze was on you all the time. Even if the pleasure was intense and his eyes fought to squeeze shut, he didn’t want to miss this moment. He needed to commit to his memory your eyes full of craving and passion; how your body contorted in pleasure; how your lips parted, gasping for air.

You were so close again, and you knew Spencer was too. His movements were more sloppy and frantic.

“So so close...” you cried.

“I’m right behind you, my love,” he panted.

Spencer knew what to say to push you and him toward your climaxes.

“Cum for me, sweetheart. Show me - show me who I belong (Y/N),” he chanted as his breathing sped with each thrust.

“Spencer!” You wailed. Spencer’s words pushing you to the edge.

“I’ve got you. Let it go,” Spencer mumbled on your lips.

And you did. Your toes curled, and waves of pleasure ran through your body. Your sight went blank, and you swore you didn’t have an orgasm that strong before. The sensation was much better as you heard Spencer grunting and felt his warmth filling you.

“So so good, sweetheart. I love you,” Spencer panted, collapsing on top of you and descending from his high. “My only love, my only one,” he slurred, muffling his words in your neck.

“I love you, Spencer,” you exhaled, stroking his damped hair and kissing his temple.

Still regulating your breathing, Spencer showed your neck and shoulders with little kisses. Your fingers massaged his scalp and drew irregular patterns on his back.

After some minutes, Spencer pulled out of you and headed to the bathroom, looking for something to clean you off. Methodically he removed from you the traces of his and your desire. Once ready, both climbed under the covers, snuggling. Spencer tucked his arm around your shoulder as you rested your head on his chest.

“Are you okay?” Spencer asked quietly. You hummed.

“I am now,” you whispered.

“I’m so sorry, (Y/N). I should have told you what was going on. I promise not to make the same mistake again. I frankly don’t know what I would do without you in my life, and I hope you can see that,” he declared, kissing the top of your head.

“And I don’t know what would I do without you in mine. I guess my insecurities took the best of me. You know I’m usually not like that, but - ” you trailed off.

“You don’t have to explain to me, sweetheart. If anything, this ordeal only confirms what I already knew,” he mumbled, stroking your hair.

“What is?” You asked, tilting up your head to look at him. You found your boyfriend’s lovesick gaze.

“That the past is the past, and you are my only present and future.”

You grinned at him, leaning up to kiss the man you love with your all heart.

Yeah, things could be messy sometimes, but you learned that you both were stronger enough to overcome anything.

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Spencer Reid’s Taglist: @dreatine @nomajdetective @jayyeahthatsme @rosalinasam2 @averyhotchner @tvandfanfic @lovelyxtom @princessmiaelicia @pastelbabygirl19

For this fic added: @taffymelon

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patheticdarling · 3 years

Text

Burning Words

Summary: Spencer and you have been together since a month into your position at the BAU. The team has been nothing but supportive of your relationship since the beginning. But what happens when J.J. lets some secrets come to light? (The aftermath of J.J. telling Spencer she’s always been in love with him)

Warnings/Disclaimers: Usual Criminal Minds content/ mentions of events in S14E15/ angsty/ I do not view J.J. as a villain for what she said and I’m not completely anti-Jeid but I think the writers definitely had shitty timing/ some harsh language

Word Count: 1585

A/N: Feel free to leave comments on how I can improve my writing! Also any requests you might have for future one-shots/imagines :) FYI: I don’t really have a schedule for when I post, I really just write whatever comes to me and end up posting it either on the day or day after I write it.

*NOT MY GIF*

Her words still rang in your ears, “Spence, I’ve always loved you.” Although J.J.’s words were shaky, they still registered the same amount of uncomfortableness in you.

“Y/N?” Spencer’s soft voice shook you from your trance as the EMT tended to the cut on your forehead, “You okay?”

You nodded, giving him a half-reassuring smile, “Fine. Just glad this is all over with is all. Glad we’re all safe.”

Both of you being profilers, it was hard not to acknowledge, or at least notice, the tension in the night’s air.

“Sweetheart, do you wanna talk about-”

“Spencer, I really just wanna get back to the hotel. And I’m sure you’ll wanna make sure J.J. gets back safe so, I’ll just meet you there.”

“Y/N, please-”

“It’s fine, Reid. Rossi and Tara already have the car warmed up for us to go. I’ll tell them that you’ll ride with Matt and J.J.” Before he could get another word in you were practically in the car with Rossi and Tara already.

“Just waiting on Reid, right?” he asked as you climbed into the back seat.

You shook your head, “No, he’s gonna ride with Matt and J.J. He said we could just go on without him.”

“Y/N, you sure? I don’t mind waiting on-”

“It’s fine, Rossi,” you cut him off rather sharply, “Sorry,” you apologised, “I just really want to get back to the hotel.”

Rossi didn’t ask any further questions, just gave an understanding nod and started the car. Usually rides after a somewhat successful case we’re not filled with such awkward silence but you really had nothing to say, not just to Rossi, but to anyone; especially Reid and J.J.

You were too busy staring out the window that you hadn’t even noticed Rossi pulling off to the side of the road.

“What’s the matter? Why’d we stop?” you asked as you looked around.

“Alright, out with it,” Tara spoke, turning to face you.

“Out with what?” you furrowed your brow.

“What’s going on between you and the Boy Genius?” Rossi asked.

“I already told you nothing’s going on. I just want to get out of these bloodied clothes, take a shower, and go to sleep in my hotel room,” you answered.

“You mean the hotel room you’re sharing with Reid,” Tara commented.

You swallowed the unknown lump in your throat and spoke through gritted teeth, “Yeah, the hotel room I’m sharing with Reid. What’s your point?”

“You’d think after what you just went through you’d want to stay with him, stay with J.J. too,” Tara added, you shifted uncomfortably in your seat.

“Maybe I’m just handling the trauma differently. There’s nothing wrong with that,” you concluded, “Just want to be alone for a little.”

“So, you’re not going to tell us what happened in there that you’re so keen on keeping a secret?” Rossi asked.

You cleared your throat, “It’s not my secret to tell.”

Tara furrowed her brows, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

You weren’t lying, it wasn’t your secret to tell. And even though J.J. might’ve just ripped your entire world apart, you still had no intention nor a desire to hurt her in any way.

“Nothing,” you shook your head, “Can we just get going please? I’m really tired, guys.”

Tara and Rossi gave up on their interrogating as they both faced forward again. Rossi pulling back onto the main road and driving you guys back to the hotel. You arrived rather shortly after that, grabbing your things and making your way back into the hotel.

“Y/N, want to grab a drink or something at the bar?” Tara offered.

“No thanks, Tara. I’m just gonna take that shower and head to bed,” you declined politely.

“Alright, night Y/N,” Tara and Rossi both waved you off before heading towards the bar.

You made it up to your hotel room. You hadn’t looked to see whether or not the other SUV had made it back so you were unaware of where Spencer may have been. The green light and beeping of your room’s lock were enough to pull you from your thoughts as you retracted your key and placed it back into your coat pocket. You pushed open the door, carelessly throwing your bag onto the mini sofa.

You hadn’t even bothered to look up until somebody had cleared their throat, “Y/N?”

Your eyes looked up to see Spencer sitting on the foot of your bed with a glass of whiskey in his hand, “Spencer,” you shed your coat, throwing it on top of your bag.

“Can we talk?” he motioned for you to sit next to him.

You sighed, “Spencer, we just had a hell of a long day, can it wait till tomorrow? I really just want to shower and get to bed.”

“Please, Y/N,” his voice shaky as he stood up from his spot on the bed.

“Alright,” you huffed, “But if we’re going to have the conversation I think we’re about to have,�� you opened the mini-fridge, grabbing yourself one of the small bottles of whiskey and pouring it into one of the glasses, “I think I’m gonna need one of these too.”

The warm liquor burned your throat as you took a sip, being mindful not to sit as close as you wanted to Spencer. Him mimicking your action but finishing off his glass in the process.

“H-How’re you feeling?” he asked as he set his glass on the floor.

You couldn’t help but let out a patronizing chuckle, “How am I feeling?” you nearly scoffed, “Is that all you wanted to talk about? How I’m feeling. I’m fine, Spencer. Are we done now?”

You moved to stand, Spencer catching your wrist before you could get too far, “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, you settled back down; taking your wrist back. “I-I really just don’t know what else to say right now.”

“That’s fine,” you sipped your drink, “Does this mean I can go shower and get ready to go to sleep?”

“Y/N, please-”

“Please what, Spencer? What is it that you want to say to me so badly?” you couldn’t help but raise your voice as you stood from the bed.

“I wanna know why you’re acting this way!” his voice rising as well as he sprang up from his seat, “Why you took off from the crime scene without even giving me a second look!”

This time you did scoff, “Are you serious? You know for a genius you can be so dull sometimes.”

He let out a harsh sigh, “This is about what J.J. said isn’t it?”

You didn’t answer, your jaw clenched before you downed the rest of your drink.

“I knew it,” he muttered.

“Oh, did you?” you scoffed, “Then why did you ask? Could’ve just made this conversation a lot shorter and not wasted my time.”

“Excuse me?” Spencer furrowed his brows, “How is talking to your boyfriend about what’s bothering you a waste of time?”

“Okay fine! What J.J. said bothered me! Why shouldn’t it? Another woman just told my boyfriend that she’s always loved him! How am I supposed to feel, Spencer?! Am I supposed to be jumping for fucking joy?!”

“No, Y/N,” he sighed before falling back to his seat on the edge of the bed, “I just wish you had been mature and told me instead of running off before we could have an adult conversation about it.”

“I-I don’t know what you would’ve expected me to say, Spencer. J.J. is your best friend. You’re the Godfather to her kids for crying out loud. And,” you let out a shaky breath, falling next to him on the edge of the bed, “I know you love her.”

“W-What?” he muttered.

“Reid, you don’t have to play coy. I’ve known since I joined the BAU, it’s obvious,” you explained, “I’d be a shitty profiler if I didn’t notice it. And before you start to freak out, I won’t be giving you any ultimatums. Whatever you decide, I’ll support, as long as you’re happy.”

“Y/N, please listen to me,” he whispered, “Look at me please.”

Your teary gazed slowly shifted from the floor to meet Spencer’s glossy brown eyes, “What, Spencer?” your voice shook.

“Maybe I did love J.J. But that was a long time ago. And,” he cleared his throat, “I swear that I have never loved anybody as much as I love you. And you have to believe that because I have done nothing but try to prove it every single day since I met you.”

“Spencer, please,” you whispered, tears slowly running down your cheeks.

“No, Y/N, you need to listen to me,” he grabbed your hands, falling to his knees in front of you, “You’re it for me. Do you understand that?”

“But she loves you, Reid,” you argued, your voice still quivering.

He shook his head, “It doesn’t matter. I love you. And I don’t want anybody else, regardless of who it may be. So, again, do you understand that?”

One of his hands moved to cradle your cheek, you couldn’t help but nuzzle into his touch, “I understand.”

His soft yet serious demeanour completely shifted into an adoring smile, “I love you, Y/N L/N. More than anything.”

You sniffled as your tears ran down the side of his hand, “I love you, Spencer Reid. More than anything,” you repeated.

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