#just thinking ot would be ok not to take my meds

[justkending]

Finding Memories. Chapter 2.

Series Summary: Waking up with little to no memory of her past, and being saved by a group of individuals who call themselves heroes, sends a long time captive for a whirlwind trying to find some form of grounding in this world she quickly learns runs on chaos. But she’s not the only one trying to figure out her forgotten backstory. Bucky Barnes, along with the other Avengers, can’t help but sense that there is a lot more to the whole situation than a diagnosis of amnesia. Her background slowly starts to come forward in pieces of her past and hidden information discovered. Who is she? And why was she in the room they were meant to destroy?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader 

Word Count: 4000+

TW: Torture, cussing, and blood. 

A/N: First off, thank you for the love already given to this series. It’s been a fun one to write and I’m impatiently waiting for you guys to get to the juicer chapters. This one is a great start to understanding the relationships ot come and how our main character is going to behave to her new surroundings. I hope you enjoy and can’t wait to hear what all you think and got from it! xoxoxo

Chapter 2:

The next morning, Bucky was hesitant to knock on her door. He didn't want to overstep the one space that she had to herself.

Though it wasn't like he was barging in, yet again, he knew what it meant to have a place of peace and how easily it can lose its sense of amity the more traffic it received.

So he waited. He waited in the lounge area, then he waited in the kitchen, then he waited in the den/ library. Then he waited back in the kitchen again.

He checked his watch and saw it was 7 in the morning. He had already been up for two hours and had done nothing useful besides reading up on the reports Nat gave him over and over again with no change in information.

They would just have to wait until someone was able to decode more of the encrypted drive they had taken.

"I'll be ok. I've had worse."

Bucky turned at the voice he was becoming more familiar with.

"Are you sure? We can go back to the med bay and have them take a look. It looks like it's bruised up pretty nice," another voice came from the hallway he was eavesdropping on.

"It's fresh," she replied shyly, not caring for the attention. It's a lot different from the attention she was used to and a change of intention can be hard to adjust to. "In a few hours, you won't even be able to see it."

They finally came from around the corner and Bucky stood up from his chair, closing the book he had zoned out of multiple times.

"Hey, Barnes," Nat smiled with Y/N by her side. "How long have you been up?"

"A couple of hours. Was doing some research," he replied absentmindedly. His eyes immediately searched for the bruising he heard them talking about. It was hard to miss even when she was actively trying to keep him from seeing it as she looked anywhere in the room but at him. "What happened?" he asked anyway as he was shocked by the black eye she now had.

She looked at Nat and then at him.

"I had a nightmare. Fell off and hit my head on the nightstand," she replied sheepishly.

In truth, she was used to being tied down to a table when she had nightmares, so silk sheets and a bed with no restraints made it easy for her to find herself on the floor the next morning and a black eye for proof of her night terrors.

He looked at the damage as best he could as she tried to cover it with her hair and not bring attention to it.

Before he could make any other comment on it, she excused herself to the kitchen.

"She doesn't like attention, I can tell you that much," Nat whispered as they watched her carefully move around the modern kitchen. Not sure where to start as she had only been there one other time and Bucky was the chef. "Maybe just don't mention it or try to make her feel better about it. She's pretty adamant on not discussing how she got it."

"She doesn't need to say anything. I can imagine what she saw last night," Bucky replied with a deep sigh. "Now let's see what she thinks of on-the-go food."

"What are you doing with her, Barnes? She's barely accustomed to this palace, you better not be taking her to an overpopulated place. She's already on edge about the fact she knows nothing about herself," Nat gave him a raised eyebrow.

"What kind of person do you take me for?" he rolled his eyes. "Obviously I'm not going to put her in a high-stress situation, one day after waking up from a two-day sleep and everything else she went through before."

"I know," Nat chuckled, patting his back. "I'm just making sure." They paused to watch her as she went about the kitchen inspecting appliances and items. "She seems like she'll make it out the other side of the tunnel though," Nat whispered. "She's got some spunk in her, I can tell. We just got to fish it out."

"That's the goal," Bucky took a deep breath crossing his arms.

She was fidgeting with the coffee machine and trying to decipher if the hot brown liquid inside was something she liked before. She had liked the smell, but there were no memories attached to the sense.

"I'm going to take her on a walk of the compound so she can get familiar with it. The more you know about your environment and escape routes with a backstory like hers, it'll hopefully help her tear back some of those walls she's put up."

"Good plan. You may want to help her find a mug though if you want her awake on that walk. I have a feeling she didn't get much rest last night," Nat sighed before moving on to her mission of the day. "I'm going to help Tony maneuver through some of those files we got."

"How's that going?" he asked before she could walk off.

"About as well as your reading this morning did." Her smirk showed that she caught onto his mindless wandering and tricks to look busy as he waited for the new guest to come out this morning. "However, I think it's best to look up some names as well. We can't keep calling her Jane Doe/ that girl we rescued from a terrorist infiltration. Not very fitting for her either way."

"Yeah, I'll make that a goal for today," he nodded. "Keep me updated?"

She was walking away when he shouted his last comment to her.

"Always do," she waved, never looking back.

Bucky took another breath before moving on to his next riddle of the day.

"Need any help?" he asked as she poured some of the coffee into a mug that she had found.

"I'm not sure if I like this stuff," she said back, very focused on making sure she didn't spill any of the coffee. "But it smells really nice," she tilted her head down as she took another sniff.

"You don't think you've had coffee before?" he questioned, grabbing his own mug and refilling it.

"Not that I can remember. I know it's called coffee and I know it helps you stay awake, but that's all I know about it," she shrugged, about to take a swig of it.

Bucky watched as she hesitantly brought the warm drink to her lips. She took a small sip and her face scrunched up at the potency.

"Yeah, you may be better off with some cream and sugar. I make it a little stronger," he noted, looking at the nearly empty pot. "I can make another batch if you want," he offered.

But she waved him off, placing the mug down and going to the fridge for the creamer he had mentioned. She was at least knowledgeable about where the creamer would be. So perhaps she had done normal things in her past.

A human lab experiment wasn't one to know where household items are generally kept. At least the ones that have never seen a light outside fluorescent bulbs hovering over them. It was a small new detail about her, but a detail either way.

"Do you want sugar?" he asked, grabbing a few packets.

She nodded, taking the packets and thanking him before stirring them all together. With a quick look at him, she silently communicated with him a "here it goes," look before taking a new sip.

Her face didn't scrunch this time and instead, she had a look of realization.

"Do you guys have any..." She was trying to find the word. One she was sure she hadn't used in a long time if it was taking this long to come to her. "It's a spice," she said, hoping he would pick up on it.

"Spice? Sweet or savory?" he asked, going to the cupboard to search for something that would blend well with coffee.

"That one," she pointed out.

He turned and followed her finger seeing she was talking about the cinnamon.

"Oh, cinnamon?" he asked, pulling down the small jar and handing it to her.

She took it and examined the label. She turned it around in her hand a few times and carefully opened the lid.

"Is this sweet?" she asked, looking up at him.

"I guess you can call it that. It does go well with coffee though. The Parker kid has talked about it before," he said more to himself.

"Parker kid?" she raised an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah. He's a member of the team," he answered. "He's pretty young and has school most of the time, but when he isn't there, he's here annoying us."

It was true. Peter Parker was the second little brother Bucky didn't plan on gaining in his life. Though he made himself useful when Bucky needed a pop culture explanation. Especially when Tony would drop them casually in conversation just to annoy Bucky.

"School? You have a kid on your team that's still in school?" She was slightly concerned.

"Don't worry, he's a smart kid," Bucky leaned against the counter. "He'll be studying for his college classes and hunting down a criminal during his snack time."

"They have snack time in college?" she tilted her head genuinely curious.

"He may be a teenager, but compared to me, he's a toddler. Plus, he gets hangry when he doesn't get his 1:30 snack."

"For someone who seems annoyed by the kid, you're awfully in tune with his schedule," she smiled up at him.

Bucky couldn't help but return it. This was the longest they had talked and he was learning she was quite observant.

"He's the little brother I didn't want, but I can't help but look out for the kid," Bucky shrugged, adding a sugar packet to his black drink before indulging in it.

"Sounds like a recurring action of yours," she said slyly as she took a sip with the cinnamon now in the drink.

Bucky took note of that spark of spunk Nat had mentioned and couldn't help but grin that it was coming out so soon.

He watched her reaction after she took a few more sips and her eyebrows lifted.

"I think I like cinnamon," she realized with a small sense of pride in her comment.

"Add it to the list," he grinned. "How do you feel about walks?" he asked next.

"Walks?" she asked, confused at the action. "Like just walking around?"

"Uh-huh," he answered, taking the last bit of the coffee in the pot and transferring it to a travel mug. "We can take that to go, or we can wait until you're finished."

"I'll take it to go," she nodded, holding it delicately in her hand.

"Ok, let's get you set up and we'll head out."

_________________

They grabbed a jacket from the closet in her room, even though it was bigger on her, she rolled up the sleeves and was comfortable in the brisk fall air.

Bucky started her off in the immediate meeting area. Showing her where the den and library were, where the living room and movie room were, and anywhere else she would have access to in the living space.

She was quiet for most of the tour and was taking in the mass amount of resources and activities they had at their fingertips. All she knew when it came to free time was being put to sleep and thrown into another room before more procedures were done to her... At least that's all she remembered so far.

On their way outside, he motioned to where the training room and gym were. A place she could go to if she needed to find anyone for help. There was a decent chance that there was at least one person who could help her there at any time.

Once outside, they took the scenic route around the compound. Keeping their distance from the hustle and bustle of agents and aircrafts taking off and leaving for missions.

"So there are more people that work here than just your avenging group?" she asked, hands in her jacket pockets as she tugged it closer to her body.

The way she worded the group's name made him laugh.

"We're a whole organization. Tony Stark, who's the one who pays for all this and the one who had your room all set up, is also one of the Avengers," he explained. "Steve, who you know as the man with the shield, is also known as Captain America. Well at least that's his superhero name and rank, but he's just as much of a dork as the Peter kid sometimes."

"And the Peter kid is the spider boy, right?" she asked

"Yes, Spiderboy. Hmm mm," he hummed, not correcting her as he had described him as that, to begin with.

"Nat seems really nice too. She also has superpowers?"

"Nat is enhanced, but she doesn't go as far as to classify herself as a superhero personally. She was a very well-known spy for a long time before joining this life."

"What about you?" she turned to him.

"Me?" he repeated.

"Yeah, do you have any powers?" She looked at the trees around her as she asked. Taking in as much of the greenery as possible.

"Steve and I's enhancements are pretty similar. Why and how we got them couldn't be more opposite, but I guess you could say I have powers..." he shrugged, looking over at her before following her eye line.

A few seconds of silence went on before she turned to him with a look of confusion on her face.

Though she had noticed the metal arm all the way back to when they first met, she had never stared or mentioned it like others were quick to. Never questioned or hinted at wanting to know what the backstory to it was, but something in her gut told her his answer to her last question has some sort of association with the arm.

Again, she didn't push. She just continued to walk as she processed everything in her own time. Bucky was really just there to answer questions and guide her around. He was intrigued by her story just as much as everyone else that was on that mission, but like them, he was waiting for answers to arise.

"Hey," he spoke up after a few minutes of silence passed. "I know I told you I'd let you sleep on it some more, but any chance a name has come to you."

She took his question and processed it for a second.

"Not really," she replied. "I heard some things that-," she paused, not sure what to call her captors. The memory of them was not one she was interested in looking back on, no matter how helpful it would be in the long run. "They called me..." she finished. "But never a real name."

He knew what she meant. Being used as a lab rat meant that a name that holds emotional ties and connections to an individual was not common in this situation. She was likely given a code name, or a number, or called slurs the majority of the time.

"Well, consider it another thing you get to choose," he continued in a way to make the conversation less upsetting. "Is there anything you would want to be called?"

She thought about it as they rounded the nature trail they were on. But eventually, she shook her head.

"I guess that's a pretty big decision." He placed his hands in his front pocket as they made their way slowly back to the living space. "I have an idea," he reached into his back pocket and fished out his phone. "I'll pull up a list of names and you can see if any of them sound fitting for you. And if not today, maybe you can do some research of your own and find something you like."

"Ok," she nodded, taking his phone that he had quickly searched up girl names on. She scrolled for a bit but didn't seem intrigued by any of the names she had found. After a few mumbles, as she read to herself the options, she stopped. "Wait, this one," she pointed, lifting the phone for him to see.

"Y/N?" he asked, testing the name himself. "You like that one?"

"I think so, but..." she paused and closed her eyes. "Something seems familiar about it."

"You have a connection to it?"

She again tried to think back on it. Her nose scrunched up as she closed her eyes trying really hard to remember why it was clicking somewhere. Something he had noticed she did anytime she thought hard about something.

"I'm not sure," she eventually sighed. "But I like it. Do I seem like a Y/N?"

"I don't see why not," he smiled. "I like it."

She smiled back, though he could tell it was slightly forced in an attempt to cover the frustration on why the name sparked something in her mind, yet she couldn't place why.

"Y/N it is," she said.

_________________

"I'm telling you, it's the only answer to what you're asking me," a voice echoed through the hall as Y/N and Bucky made their way back for lunch after a long and eventful walk around the compound.

"I'm not saying it's the wrong answer... I'm just saying it's-"

"It's an answer," a third voice was heard, with a hint of uncertainty.

"Wanda! Don't side with her."

"What's happening in here?" Bucky asked, turning the corner and putting a face to all the voices he had heard.

Sam was on one side of the counter, sitting on a bar stool. Natasha was in the fridge grabbing a cooled bottle of wine, and Wanda was in the middle of cooking what smelled like a nice roast or soup.

"Oh, hey!" Nat smiled, seeing that their new guest was somewhat hiding behind Bucky at the new people. "You guys are just in time for our lunch date," she smiled kindly to the woman before turning her attention to Bucky. "How was your walk?"

Bucky smiled, walking into the room slowly, checking behind him to see how close Y/N was following him. Not to his surprise, she was at least a foot away to give him some form of space, but close enough to feel like she had an anchor around the new crowd.

"It went well. We stayed on the hiking trail most of the time, but she should have an idea of the place a little better now," he answered. "What do you have going, Wanda?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Sam stood up from his chair. "You're just going to act like there isn't a guest here? Where are your 1940's era manners?"

No one noticed, but her eyebrows knitted together in curiosity at the specifics of his question.

"Cool your jets," Bucky was quick to block her from him as he knew she was already skittish with everything going on, let alone new people. "She's who I mentioned was going to be staying with us for a little bit until we get some things figured out."

"Right," Sam remembered. "Sorry, I just got back from a long mission. I forgot all that happened while I was gone. And I've only been informed about pieces of what happened." He walked over to where Y/N was next to Bucky, but still behind him in shelter. "Sorry for my manners," he emphasized. "And his too, but I can only take credit for my own actions."

That got a small snicker out of her. Sam was good like that.

"Shut up," Bucky rolled his eyes.

"You first," Sam responded instinctively, before ignoring him and looking at her with a kind smile. "I'm Sam. Sam Wilson. I don't believe I've caught your name yet, sweetheart."

She could feel a sense of trust toward this person. The same she was slowly realizing she could easily give with this group of people she was gradually being introduced to.

"My name's Y/N," she replied softly. "It's nice to meet you, Sam."

"It's a pleasure to meet you as well," he grinned, before turning to the side and motioning to the empty bar stools in front of the chef herself. "Want to watch Wanda work her magic on the stove? She's got a gift for comfort meals on cold and dreary days like today."

She looked to Bucky once again, looking for something to tell her the coast was clear. He nodded his head once showing he'd be right behind her.

After the three sat in front of where the auburn-haired woman was adding the last bits of spices to the pot, Natasha walked up next to Wanda handing her a glass of wine.

"So, Y/N," she stretched out the name, sending a smirk showing she was happy to have a name to connect to her. "Bucky's not giving you any trouble, is he? Cause I can set him straight if need be."

Bucky once again rolled his eyes at the teasing from his teammates.

"Nat, aren't you supposed to be in a meeting with Stark right now?" He attempted to divert the conversation.

"Nothing that can't be sent in an email. He'll be fine," she waved him off. "Find anything interesting out there?" she asked, only looking at Y/N.

"Um," she started but wasn't sure what to follow with it. "It's a nice place."

"We have a billionaire to thank for that," Wanda winked, sipping her wine before introducing herself. "I'm Wanda. It's nice to finally meet you, Y/N."

"Wanda?" she echoed. "Wanda Maximoff, right?"

Eyes widened at her comment in surprise, except for Buckys. It didn't take a lot to realize she was very good at picking up and remembering things given the space and motivation to do so.

"That's me," she smiled. "Bucky's been helpful enough to fill you in on the team's roster I assume?"

"I have a lot of questions that need to be answered, but I'm learning I don't necessarily know the type of questions to ask," she replied, hands in her lap and body language showing she was still shy and reserved. "But Bucky has helped make me feel like I have some kind of grasp on this place and the people in it."

The group looked at him, in what you could say was a surprised way, but as much hell as they gave him for being the quieter one of the group, he always had a heart for those who needed it.

"We're glad you're here with us," Wanda spoke up with a comforting smile. "You're with the right group and person," she looked at Bucky, "to figure out who you are. Now, I'm guessing you're hungry after that walk. How do you feel about a pot roast?"

____________

By the time lunch was over, Bucky noticed that Y/N's black eye had slight discoloration, but for the most part, was healed.

She did well with the small group of friends, though it was likely the most interaction she had had in a while on a friendly basis. With each passing hour, he could see her relax little by little as her new environment was proving itself consistently safe.

Nat laughed at how Sam was quickly already trying to spread his music taste to the new member and took a bite of the scrapes of bread left in the basket in the center of them all.

Her phone vibrated on the table and her smile dissipated just enough for a trained eye to see. Bucky happened to have that trained eye and noticed once she looked at him after receiving the message.

She excused herself and gave him a look that showed where his thoughts had gone were correct.

 They had an update.

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[crucipuzzled]

About Psychiatry stuff in SPYxFAMILY. Part 2

In Part 1 I covered some aspects of working as a Psychiatrist in a Hospital. We still have some things left regarding this topic. In Part 3 I'll talk a bit about Psych exams and wrap some minor details and the question about Donovan's head scars in Part 4.

Thank you for your comments in Part 1! You guys make some really interesting points, it's a pleasure to talk to you. I've noticed that some of you are asking for an psychoanalysis of the Desmonds. I may do so in a different series of analysis, but pinky promise, I will talk about Donovan's head scars in Part 4, as I wrote less there.

Let's go!

4. The rest of the Psychiatry Department staff

Aside from Psychiatrists and intern med students, every Psychiatric Unit in a Hospital has nurses, psychologists/therapists (I'm aware that they're not always the same in some places, particularly in the USA), occupational therapists (OT) and social workers, between the most common professions.

The OT is kinda a new addition since the profession is relatively new compared to the others, and its inclusion in Psychiatric Units started around the 70s, focused in social rehab (a really important task). I think SPYxFAMILY takes place around the 60s so I'm really not sure if there is an OT here.

Are they all joyous like in the manga? Well...

5. What's the hardest part of the job?

For what I've recollected from talking with Psychiatrists, the hardest part of the job of a Psychiatrist working in a Hospital is dealing with real nasty shit coming from psychotic patients. I remember a young Psychiatrist in a Psychiatric Hospital that told my class of the time when she had to physically restrain a patient from gouging his own eyeballs out of his eye sockets, because he couldn't stop seeing demons and horrible monsters. Or the ones that paint the walls with their own feces. As I said, real nasty shit.

Of course, this goes for the rest of the staff as well. Not a very happy place to work, but you gotta do what you gotta do for the patients's sake.

Still, fortunately we live in an era with more tolerance towards psychotic patients, and social rehab is very appreciated (although its value may depend on your country's public health policies). Also, most psychotic cases don't behave in such an extreme fashion. Hopefully one day science will discover the definitive cure for Psychosis.

Are you a Psychiatrist and have a different opinion? Please write in the comments below!

-Ok but talk about what Loid is saying in those panels!

Indeed, nobody can read minds. Even if someone could, I wonder what exactly that person would see. I mean, try to concentrate in what is at the top of your own mind for 5 seconds. A ton of thoughts came rushing, right? Some of them very shady, even if they just flashed for less than a second.

But, we have our tricks to discern what is the most important issue for a person. Listening to our patients free of pre-conceptions is a basic rule. Observing their behavior is another. You can't start to listen if you don't work on a relation based on trust, of course (something that, indeed, nobody can teach you how; good luck figuring it out, use this bunch of tips though. Best wishes, your Psychotherapy teachers).

That said, there are many things that you can listen and observe from one single sentence said by a patient, depending of your understanding of the human mind.

A famous baldy named Michel Foucault wrote a book titled The birth of the clinic in which he claimed that modern Psychiatrists operate under what he called the medical gaze, which is an attempt to put a group of symptoms into a gnosographic cathegory (aka diagnosis) regardless of the actual subjective experience of the patient. This implies that Psychiatrists, like any other doctor, need to determine a diagnosis before doing anything else, and care a bit less about the patient's experience.

This isn't something bad. Imagine having someone trying to gauge his eyes out of his head to stop seeing demons in front of you. Would you ask that person how does he feels, or what he associates with the demons? Now, it's slightly problematic when you, as a Psychiatrist, deal with neurotic patients.

Neurosis is the direct contrast of psychosis; you're either living in a paralel reality, or in this one. You, dear reader, and I, are both neurotics. The fact that we are neurotics doesn't mean that we are sick; it's just a psychic structure. Now, we could get mentally ill, in a lot of ways. There's a ton of diseases listed in the DSM-V if you feel curious. But we probably won't experience hallucinations and say Meh, here comes Charlie the Satirus again, wazzup bro.

Operating under the medical gaze logic makes things way easier for Psychiatrists, specially when they don't have much time to develop a relationship of trust with their patients, like in some Hospitals. We therapists cover the rest of the job, performing psychotherapy and operating under a listening clinic. I'll illustrate the difference with a really burd example:

Let's say that you have been having a hard time trying to sleep at night for a while, and you decided to look for help. A behavioral therapist will teach you techniques and excercises to fall asleep more easily. A psychoanalyst will try to make sense of your symptom by making you freely associate it with whatever comes to your mind. A Psychiatrist will listen to your description of your symptoms, write "Insomnia" in the diagnosis and prescribe some benzodiazepine. Easy peasy, come see me again in one month.

Of course, not every Psychiatrist is like this; I've met some helluva awesome ones working in Hospitals. But once again, wether they're allowed to display their full potential or not is a matter that strongly depends of every country's public health policies. Psychiatrists do receive training in psychotherapy and they can take their time to talk with their patients, but having the conditions to do so is a completely different thing. If you want to be treated by a full-powered Psychiatrist, your best shot is to consult in a private clinic. Mind your wallet though.

Seems like Berlint General Hospital is a really nice place to work for Psychiatrists, as they apparently can hold psychoterapy sessions with their patients. PLEASE HIRE ME

6. The consultation room

It's pretty common to depict Psychiatrists and Psychologists as the guys sitting down next to you taking notes while you are laying down in a divan talking your sorrows away. But have you ever wondered why it's always a divan?

It all starts with old sweet Sigmund Freud in 1890. By that time he was just staaaarting to think that maybe hypnosis wasn't the way to go for female hysteria, and the idea of an unconscious mind wasn't developed yet. On that year, a female patient sent him an elegant divan as a thankful token.

Golly, thank you miss! But what the heck do I do with it? The only possible thing, of course! Cover it in persian rugs and make your patients lay down on it while you tried to hypnotize them.

Remember, we are in the 1890. By that time, there were still doctors that believed the only cure for female hysteria was generating a 'hysterical paroxism' (too embarrassing to explain here).

Less than 10 years later, Freud realized that hypnosis didn't cure female hysteria but noticed that his patients got better after talking about it. So he decided to just sit down and listen to his patients lying on the divan, thus inventing the Free Association method, which is, basically, talking about whatever comes to the top of your mind and associate it with whatever comes next. Before you realize it, you're talking about the actual cause of your mental suffering.

THIS. WAS. REVOLUTIONARY.

While their patients laid down in the divan, Freud was sitting right behind them, like in this photo:

-Why like this? Why behind?! Are you some kind of pervert, you Freudian fiend?!

No. The reasoning behind this is transference, one of the most important concepts in Psychoanalysis, Psychology, Psychiatry, and pretty much every kind of Psy-discipline. Transference is what makes a psychotherapy work and yield its results. It also explains why psychotherapy fails, when it does. It's similar, not equal, to what Americans call "therapeutic relationship" or "therapeutic bond". Transference made to the world of Psychology what the Industrial Revolution made to the world.

-You're exaggerating. What even is transference, anyway? Wait, don't answer I was kidd-

In every relation you establish with someone there's a quota of transference, which is the subjective place in which you put that other person in relation to you. This subjective place stems from your own relationship with whoever took care of you in your very early years of life: your mom, your dad, your older sister or brother, an uncle, a nanny, a caregiver from an orphanage, you name it. It doesn't matter who, as long as that person was interested in you enough as to preserve your life and make you feel like your life has value.

We are born in such a helpless, defenseless way that our strongest desire is to be the object of attention of someone else, to be desired enough as to be feed at least 3 times a day. Of course, if you're actually loved in the process, the better. Desire here doesn't have a sexual connotation; it's to mean something for someone else.

To mean something for someone, even if you end up meaning shit for that person.

Sometimes, meaning shit is way better than have no meaning at all and being completely ignored as if you don't exist for anyone. I've seen this in a bunch of cases of victims of domestic violence. It's quite sad.

In psychotherapy, patients inevitably stablish a transference with their therapists, who act like a white canvas in which the patients display those early relationships and how they affects them. Notice that I'm using the present tense; transference is something that changes little over time, unless you decide to explore why you choose the kind of friends you always choose, or why you always fall in love with assholes, or why you feel like you can't tolerate your boss anymore despite him being a good person.

-Get to the point, goddammit!

In order to facilitate transference, Freud decided to sit down in an angle in which his patients wouldn't see him. The reasoning was: if my patient can't see me, I'm more of a white canvas for him/her, and transference will be easier to discern and analyze.

The divan is no longer used in modern day except by some Psychoanalysts, but it's just tradition to have a divan in your consultation room if you are a therapist, as a form of homage to the man who changed our understanding of the human mind forever.

I've never seen a divan in a Psychiatric Unit of any Hospital, and actually, its absence makes sense, because you must NEVER, EVER, PUT A PSYCHOTIC PATIENT IN A DIVAN. NEVER. NOPE. NOOOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE. They can't tell reality from hallucinations apart, and if you have THE SINGLE WORST POSSIBLE IDEA of sitting behind a psychotic patient in the divan, you'll only get the patient think that your voice is another hallucination and make everything worse for him/her AND FOR YOU, FOR BEING A NEGLIGENT IDIOT. If the patient ends up hurting you, YOU WOULD DESERVE THAT. Just use a regular face-to-face interaction.

Aaaand oops, I did it again. I wrote a lot. There are still some things I want to write about, so see you in Part 3, dear reader!

#spy x family #spy x family manga #psychiatry #psychoanalysis #analysis #This is what happens when I'm jobless

[0wllight]

My dearest Minho,

May this letter find you well.

I must confess, even though I haven't even sent this at the time of writing, I know I will eagerly await your response. It is something that has never changed upon meeting you- wanting to listen to you, that is. Thank you for being such a strong voice in my life. I know I am not the best at conversation, and I always feel as if I need to repay you for your patience. Perhaps writing this can be some form of repayment…but that was not my original intention.

I love you. I feel as if we were made for each other-- one cannot play pool without a cue and cue ball…even though the idea of being fated is not one in reality. Because of this, it makes our encounter all the more special. We are a 1 in a million of possibilities.

I wish I was not so…new to this. I know you would not love me any different if I talked more, or kissed more. But deep within me I would love nothing more than to do that and more. As it is what I love about you- your voice, your laughter, your affections. It will take time, but I will get to there eventually. At the moment, however, I feel to reiterate my feelings by writing them to you. And afterwards, once you have read this, perhaps…perhaps a kiss. If you wouldn't mind.

I care for you, and wish for your care in return. You are a great light in my heart. Continue to keep me in your thoughts as you are in mine.

Yours, with love, Venom

ok so first heres connecticut right now. it will be on the news tomorrow btw everyone look forward to it you'll see some guy destroyed the netirety of hte state dont worry it was just me

lets also get this out of the way that i am one finger down because. ihave a band aid on one of htem and i alos cant feel my fucking hands its like so cold in here im going to die why didnt you add holding my hand onto your message venom/j

anyways now that we got these disclaimers outta the way

here comes the mental illness where i try to seriously respond to a letter:

JASJODISAIGA2I3[T9302IT930IA903GOKOPGREKLG;ERAMGLA; HIG WHO NEY HIAPWEA HIEA GAWGEAW GWAE MEOW MEOW MEO MEOW MOEW HAIEG AIWAEGIOAWMGKLEWMAGKLWAEMG MWAL HI HONEY HI HI HI THANK YOU FOR WRITING OT ME I RELALY EPAORPPRECIATE LYOU LISTEING TO ME. IM GOING DSOPGAKKGODASKOGPSAKGOPSD sorry i cant read this without goingg GAISDGDISAJGDASJGJIGDAS ok ok i go t this YOU DONT NEED TO REPAY ME I WOULD KILL A MAN FOR YOU. OK. ITS OK HONEY UR TRYING UR BEST THATS WHAT MATTERS UR TAKING LITTLE STEPS NAD ITS OK!! OK I CANT WRITE THIS RESPONSE WITHOUT FUCKING EXPLODING BUT YES I WILL GIVE YOU A KISS COME HERE MUAH MUAH KISSY FORMY BELOVED HUSBAND MUAH ILY I WOULD UGASHGAKMAGGKMLLGMWAKLMGWAKLWGMELKGMWAGELKMWALKMAEGWLKMEAGWLKEAWG I CANT EWALKLG;EWAKGL;EAW IC IAWTNICWA TIAMLAEWML;ATKAL;T ML;AW CRIYNG SOBS GIJSGJSLKDMKSLDMGKSL I ALMOST THREW MY PHONE ACROSS THE ROOM IN MY AUNTS HOUSE WHILE READING THIS BTW REALLY FUN FACT IT WAS SUPER FUN MY BROTHER THOUGHT I WAS INSANE OK DID OYU KNOW MY OCUSINES TALKED ABOUT YOU IT WAS FUNNY I ALMOST PASSED OUT LIKE 16 TIMES BUT ITS OK IM FINE NOW WE GOOD!!! IK U DO THE BAKING BUT I WILL MAKE YOU COOKIES WITH HEARTS ON THEM IM SO GOOD at baking like esriously so good i think im sleep deprived here typing this im so sorry followers ill make this really short i almost passed out like 2 times writing this and am lightheaded right now too curse not taking my meds ever but heres just me at venom ok thanks bye i walked into the eletric fence

.

#JUST AS I FINISH THIS #RETURN OF THE CRAMPS #WAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH #ITS OK #THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS SAINT YOU WILL GET YUMMY OMEN LETTER TOMORROW IN. YOUR INBOX BAKED FRESH FROM THE CONNECTICUT OVEN #(the same oven clark baked malfina a sweater) #(ive used it so many times myself dont worry) #(made one for venom for christmas) #ANYWAYS #THANK YOU I WOULD KILL FOR YOU #AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU #IM SO MENTALLY ILL AND GAY #sorry followers for subjecting you through stage 5 torture #minho shut up #my post #ask #answered #ship: i'll bet on you

[itlivesproject]

Daily Anon Chronicles chapter five

On edge on edge on edge😖

AYO SHE CLAWED US WTF LADY CALM DOWN

Jocelyn being calm and collected after hitting a woman with a boulder. I need that kinda calm in me.

NO LET NOAH GO

THAT'S RIGHT TALIA NOONE TOUCHES NOAH

Ngl but not taking Talia was a pretty stupid idea. Just saying

Ayo we're losing control (hm is that a song or smn)

F

Abel is rattled, mc is on edge WHAT IS GOING ON I'M TRYING TO SAVE EVERYONE WAAAAAAAAAAA

Not me remembering the tune as it is and my mind playing it

I would've stayed silent if that kinda thing happened to me ngl i would be SO EMBARRASSED

Lia, please darlin it's hard enough to find someone like you let alone let you die

Ok so, i think the jealous brother did somethings there which made that place like that. 😲😲😲😲😲😲 OMG WHAT IF JEALOUS BROTHER IS REDFIELD😲😲😲😲😲

What Joss is saying is true even tho it stings a bit

THIS CONVO AFTER JOSS LEAVES IS SO FUNNYYY AHAHAHAHAHHA

I hope that if I'm sick and get out of bed(i guarantee you i will just say I'm fine coz first I'm scared of meds and second i don't like staying in bed it makes me restless) that my friend tells me to get my ass back in bed

ABEL LOOKS SO SAD OMG I WANNA STAY LOYAL TO LINKY BUT I'M BECOMING AN ABEL SIMP TOO IMMA FLIRT WITH HIM IN THE NEXT ROUTE I PLAY

idk why i always imagine an angry panda when i hear the word stomp xaxaxaxa

Um I'm in a car Joss so I'm here to give u a lift

Typing after nails are cut is so hard

Oh come on Joss sarcasm is 🤌

Erm hunger is a human thing Joss why u embarrassed. I feel like Allison and Diego with Joss. With Joss being Diego. Y'all remember that scene where Allison's like what was that and diego says hi allison loudly and she's like ya that's better

Pahhhhhhhhh, i don't stay in bed i just work through the sickness or whatever. Unless it's rly srs so

I will change the subject, Wu. I rly wanna do the casual hookup route but then Linky. WAIT FOR ME JOCELYN

Joss i can literally read faces and say if someone is bad ot not stfu. LMAO WE'RE DANCING ON THE TABLE I FEEL THE DEPTHS OF EMBARRASSMENT. Oh thank goodness we're coping but everyone else is prolly on edge.

AY UR THE MORON BITCH WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING

Let's hope it'll be fine.

Shirtless Linky hmmmm what I'd do to lick those shoulders. HE HAS CHEST HAIR. CHEST HAIR ALERT🚨🚨 well thanks Luis, for spilling wine on his shirt. It's alright, Lia he's just teasing.

OH NO OH NO PLEASE NO LINKY I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU I WAS JUST HAVING SOME FUN

Sorry Linky we're all horny here and we'll use any excuse to see a shirtless guy/girl. I kinda feel bad for Noah rn. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY *singsongy* LINKY'S GONNA HELP US with the power thing and some other things if u get what i mean

WOOOOO LESGOOOOOO. F. IF THIS IS U ANNIE ISTG I WILL CASTRATE U.

also can I just say that I love how everyone calls lincoln linky now. it's so great

#ask #anon #mod win #daily anon #we look forward to ch 6!!!

[anzu2snow]

I’ve been busy for a good chunk of the day. Didn’t think I would be. My palliative care doctor called at around 10am. He didn’t like that Movantik was denied by my insurance. I think it was because it says it’s for people who don’t have cancer related pain, and I do. He decided to try the med they suggested instead. He said if that doesn’t work we’ll try for Movantik again. Sometimes insurances will approve of it after a second time, and if you tried what they suggested.

We talked about getting off of dexamethasone. I’m taking 0.75mg at the moment. On Monday, I’ll switch to 0.5mg. He said 2 weeks after that I can either stop it or try to cut the 0.5mg tablets in half for another 2 weeks. I’m thinking of doing the cutting in half thing. He said if I didn’t cut them in half the only other option would be to get it in liquid form. It apparently tastes nasty. I’m ok with trying to cut it in half. They’re scored so it should be easy. The problem is I don’t have enough to do this with. So, he ordered more.

Got a notification later that it’s at the Poulsbo pharmacy. There’s many reasons why getting it through the mail is better. A while back, I sat in their waiting room for meds, and they got upset. They read that I had cancer and worried that I was going to get sick while waiting there. They gave me the meds while I was back in the car. So, I called the Poulsbo pharmacy, had to wait 15 minutes, and they changed it to a mail order. Waited so long just for that…

After talking to Dr. Slack (around 11am), my home aide came to help me with a shower. She got soaked because apparently my shower head was gushing all over the place. (Not just from the head area.) It sprayed around the room, too. I probably need a new one. Another added thing. She put my pants on some dust at one point. Got some on it, which made me feel a little dirty afterwards. She thinks I need a wider sock aid to get them on better. My OT had mentioned that I should put duct tape over the black part. Maybe that has to do with it.

After getting dressed, she helped me with my ‘wounds’. Those wounds are where my legs meet up with the rest of my body. They bleed if I touch them, and are painful. (Feels like I was sliced up.) They have to be wiped with gauze to get dry, then there’s a special anti-fungal powder to put on it. They don’t really know if it’s fungal. They don’t really know what it is. I can’t do the gauze and powder myself. I would have to have like 3 hands to do it. I do help with it when she does it. Without my help, she wouldn’t be able to do it either.

I had accidentally made my social worker’s visit happen at the same time as my shower. I forgot that I get showers every Monday and Thursday. Too many things to keep track of. I was told that my social worker would just wait in her car until my shower stuff (plus dressing up, and the wound care) was done. She came at around 11:20am. We talked about a lot of things. In fact, she was here until around 12:40pm. Longer than I thought it’d be.

She brought up a cancer grant. She thinks it might be for $500. There’s also a cleaning service where people with cancer get 2 free house cleanings. It could be the whole house, or just the rooms where I go to the most. That would be handy. I haven’t filled out the Access bus application. Next time we might go through it together, and she could get somebody like Dr. Slack to sign off on it. She thinks I’m eligible for it. She wants me to decide on an Apple Watch. We talked about me getting one before. She wants me to have something with fall detection. I’m just unsure of which one to choose. She said they have a bereavement counselor I can talk to about my mom. I might do that, I don’t know.

She asked if the Blue Bills finally called. They did, and my parent was able to talk to them as well. They’re going to put up grip bars around my shower area, ramps on the steps (there are 2 steps coming off of the front porch, another 2 that lead to the driveway, and 4 that come from the house down to the garage), railings along the steps, tightening up the garage railing, and adding another railing over the stairs inside. Quite a few things they’ll do. We’re also getting 2 toilets that are chair height. Might get arms for them, too. A lot of this was recommended by my OT.

#health #busy #breast cancer #cancer #stage 4 cancer #stage 4 breast cancer #metastatic breast cancer #palliative care #doctor #meds #medications #health insurance #dexamethasone #pharmacy #home aide #shower #wound care #social worker #grant #cleaning #bus #watch #apple watch

[pdfbabe]

rsd machine go brrrrr oh fuck this meme is annoying im cloggin peoples dash i was never funny im annoying everyone and they wish i never existed

#i guess this is relatable hahaha but akso my day has juts been so bad #anxiety was the worst it uad been in like 7 months and i realized i missed my benzos 3 doses in a row and was in a lil bit of withdrawal #anyway i didnt get the chem done that was stressing me out so fuckin badly bc of how bad it was and neither did i get my laundry done i just #fuxk man #i know people think im kind sometimes maybe even funny but like also they hate me #they hate me so bad and i should go back to hating myself #like i KNOW the thoughts arent rational and hold no weight and i know its not true #it still feels like its true as much as i argue w it #idk its just a bad fucking day and i thought i had an exam tomorrow but actually its just getting posted tomorrow #and i have a class discussion in a 100+ person zoom call at 8am #and 3 other classes also tomorrow #and then this fucking chem thing is due on wednesday #and my head hurts im just fucking lonely and i miss things i never had and im so frustrated and disgusted at myself for just forgetting #just thinking ot would be ok not to take my meds #im addicted to them physiologically i could have grand mal seizures if i go 5 days without them #and i just thought it would be fine bc im dumb!!! im never gonna be off medications #i can 'function' kind of but i could never live independently with cooking every fucking day i can barely do it twice a week #im bad at asking for help i know this #my dad is cooking tomorrow so i can spend time w someone special to me #bc i had swapped days w him to go on a social distanced picnic on saturday #i just idk why i think anything #and i KNOW this is negative unhealthy thinking i just. need to say it ig #get it out #how tf do i tag this #vent #vent tw #tw negativity #tw negative self talk #rsd #adhd

[soft-boi-eli]

Mcyts helping a trans masc after top surgry (part 2)

Tw:swearing, mentions of surgry, softness.

Karl

This sweet ass man.

You are just laying on your bed, well sitting really, when he came in.

He had a fuck ton of balloons. And a large box.

Karl seemed like a child on christmas.

Placing the balloons down he handed you the surprisingly light box.

He was gently bouncing as he waited for you to open it.

It shocked you how it even fit in the box.

It was a huge frog bed.

You realized with a pillow you would be able to sleep in it perfectly.

"I knew it was uncomfortable sleeping like that so I got something that should make it a bit more comfortable."-karl

You loved it.

Sadly you couldnt use it till those drains were out though.

He was right though that was definitely more comfortable then laying on a bed only.

He didnt think it through though. And got sad when he wasn't able to fully cuddle you.

But he found out that he could lay on your lap and legs.

You both enjoyed it.

Also he might be a bit squeamish when it came to your chest drains but he was helpful with them.

He helped you clean them and your wounds, he was very, very gentle.

He didnt want to hurt you.

"You know it's ok to do it a little harder. It wont hurt."-(y/n)

"But I dont want to hurt you. I know this doesn't hurt."-karl.

It was sweet. But got kinda annoying sometimes when he couldnt get something off. But he never got angry or frustrated. Just kept very gentle.

I imagine that when he was cleaning your new scars, Jimmy came to see if you got his balloons and if you doing good.

You two were in the living room bowl of warm soapy water, in a large plastic bowl, and karl gently wiping off all of the crust around the scars.

You fell asleep before karl finished and karl was finishing up when jimmy came in.

"Karl. They're alseep."-jimmy

"Yeah but this needs to be cleaned. It doesn't hurt them."-karl

Jimmy and karl literally just sat there till you woke up.

You thanked jimmy for the balloons and thanked karl for helping you clean those wounds.

Karl didnt mind though. Cause this sweet heart cares for you and just wants you to feel better and feel comfortable.

Quackity

He loves you and all but dont expect him to help with the surgical sight.

He'll do everything for you except clean your wounds and drain those drains.

He loves to hug you and kept you warm.

He would stream but you were always behing the green screen so no one would see you.

"Alex. Can you get me to book I left in the living room. I feel like shit still."-(y/n)

He was very quick to get it. And I mean he bolted out got it and brought it in the span of a minute. He gave you a light kiss on the forehead, and whispered.

"Anything for you mi amoir."-quackity.

You gave him a smile.

"Simp."-(y/n)

He gasped offended and looked at you.

"Well only for you though."-quackity.

I imagine as a get well gift quackity would get you something to remind you of him when he streams.

Large duck push.

He knew that his streams could last a long time so he decided it was best if you had a snuggle buddy to help you stay in position.

If the duck got dirty he was cleaned nearly immediately by quackity.

If the duck falls off the bed quackity gently yeets it onto the bed where you can reach.

He might of gotten jealous of the duck a few times. But he seemed to get over it when you went to hugging him instead. Sadly it wasnt that easy to but still none the less you gave him hugs too.

Dont neglect you quack boi.

He needs hugs like you do.

Give them to him. These are the only times you get cuddles. Other then that he is making food, getting you comfy, and fixing your pillows and shit like that.

He is now a maid.

Not sexually though. He just cleans the house, get you things you need, and makes food.

He is helpful.

Just not with the cleaning process of your wounds. And that's fine. He keeps you comfy and that's all that matters.

Also if your cold in the middle of hot ass summer and asking for more blankets he would look at you crazy. Like what the fuck?

But you have them lightly fluttered over you.

He wants you comfy. Even if that means you looking like your boiling alive in the middle of july.

If your happy he's happy. That's how it goes

Badboyhalo

Badboyhalo?

More like dadboyhalo.

He is not going to let you do anything.

Your surgical incisions? He's cleaning them.

Your drains? He's got you.

Your getting alot of soup and smoothies. He even joins in on your so called diet so you wont get jealous about what he has.

Rat is all over you. Sensing the pain you were having and cuddling you completely. Your laps is almost always taken by rat.

Badboyhalo doesn't really care if rat gets alot of attention by you. He just wants you to be comfortable.

But sometimes he gets sad that he cant fully lay with you.

But he enjoys just sitting with you and talking through the nights you cant really sleep.

He gets you a stuffed cat, you use it mainly as a pillow and sometimes hug it when bad is streaming.

"It reminded me of you when I saw it."-bad

Your heart melted.

He loved your reactions to the little sweet gesters he did. It brought him joy to know you were able to relax and trust him at this moment and time.

You get a free swearing pass. He knows you hurt really bad at times but he lightly says language when on stream.

You understood though. He had kids watching too.

You were grumpy one day, bad took rat because of a rat cam stream. And all you wanted was to be warmed up by something else then a blanket.

You were sittinging there looking at bad as he streamed.

You could technically get up and grab rat but he my tell you not to.

So you quietly patted your lap.

Rat immediately seemed to notice and run over to you, jumping onto the bed and laying in your lap.

You felt accomplished and tired so you fell asleep.

Rat leaving made the chat confused but bad explained that you were healing from a surgery.

Chat wished you a good recovery and told bad to go and comfort you. Even though you were asleep.

He tried to explain it but the donations kept yelling at him.

So he ended stream and laid next to you and rat.

This was comfortable.

Eret

Eret, they were a whole 'nother story.

This fabulous being is like a maid service in one.

They have two outfits they wore when you were upset.

A maid outfit and a butler outfit.

You just got home, you were in pain, sitting up and swaddled in blankets and Goose was trying to smother you at this point.

Eret was streaming and you were sitting there in the background, blankets, pain, and goose exsiting.

You didnt know eret was talking about you because you were falling asleep. Eret nor you expected what their followers did.

Her door was bombarded with packages addressed to you. Decorated with words about getting well soon, that they were proud of you, even some saying you were their rolemodle.

Eret decided to have a stream of you opening them.

Let's just say alot of them were food, candies, even foreign food and drinks. Someone made you a homemade blanket in the trans colors.

Best part about that blanket, it was heated.

You were using it immediately as you were freezing.

Eret just chuckled and rubbed your shoulder as you opened them.

Needless to say they are proud of you, happy that you were one huge step closer to who you were.

All they wanted was your happiness.

Niki

She's a sweetheart.

Need I say more?

Well I will because fuck you I can.

Constant cuddles, be it only her head in your lap, it is almost always happening.

When you have to take your pain meds she is instantly on it, do you want soup or a smoothie? You cant decide? She'll make it a surprise.

If you dont live with her then you're staying with her while you are recovering. She doesn't want you alone when you are in pain.

You'll be bedridden until she thinks you're okay.

If she deems you as not fit for doing something she's on it. Drop you glasses for reading/drawing/writing/typing. You bet your ass as soon as she heard that clack and you groan she's picked it up and it's on your lap.

Also makes sure you're good with streaming.

If you say your good with it that day it's a calm stream. There is no lore happening when you're healing everyone was fine with that due to the fact that niki would have to sit out and the lore was with her as well so that couldn't happen.

Will came to visit...

Saw you, took pity, and now you're stuck with two people showering you in affection and comfort.

You saw Wilbur as a brother. And wilbur saw you as his younger brother. So he literally felt the pain when he saw you wince.

Niki thought it was cute and comforted both of you.

Anyways she saw something before your surgery and decided that you needed it.

It would make you feel better.

It made you laugh.

You regretted laughing but loved the hoodie.

It fit so well and it was beautiful, you also were thinking about buying it one day because you could.

But niki beat you to it.

Wilbur didnt stop laughing.

I mean who blames him.

You literally just Yeeted your tits. And niki got you something that said yeet right on top of it.

It worked perfectly.

Also when niki's not cuddling you zuko is.

End of story, you're seriously stuck with cuddles no matter what. Be it from an animal or a human.

Wilbur wont cuddle you more of give you head pats.

Niki normally streamed with you there with her unless lore stream.

So when the second day after your surgery, she had streamed, and you weren't there her chat started asking questions. Wondering if you were good, if something happened.

That's when you raised from your dead sleep, zuko falling off your stomach, shirtless, just to go grab some sock as your toes felt like they would fall off.

Chat seemed relived but started questioning the binder and all that.

Niki explained that you got top surgery and that you were healing still.

"He's looking like he wants to die right now. Are you sure he's fully okay?"-dono

"Yeah I'm good. Just stubbed my toe as well."-you.

Niki was quick to rush over and help you back to the bed.

"Just sit down I'll get you your water hun."-niki

She was quick to fill your bottle up and place it next to you on the table next ot the bed.

She's such a big help not matter what honestly.

She loves you and will do anything for you.

I am sorry this took so long. Just had a very unstable mental state. Also sorry if they seem oc. I'm once more not on a good mental state and have been trying to work on this.

So yeah if I dont post in a bit I'm so sorry just stressing alot. Insomnia is kicking me so hard.

My grandma broke her foot, she's all good though.

And I have taken up most things in my house as I live with both my mother and grandmother still.

But yeah I apologize for the break just gonna try to let myself get better. It might take a bit. It might be quite short I dont know. I just need to get more sleep.

Eli is very tired now. Bye.

#karl x reader #niki x reader #eret x reader #quackity x reader #badboyhalo x reader #mcyt x reader #mcyt fluff

[kezibun]

This is a raffle prize fic for @rainbowut

From my Through the ages series. The theme is in the future, space.

Characters: Sans, Axe (HT Sans), Pluto (OT Sans.) Bow (@rainbowut) and Jupiter, (OT Papyrus,) who is only mentioned.

Ship: Bow x Pluto

I got a little carried away... This is one of my longer ficlets and just so you know this is my very first time ever writing sci-fi.

I really hope you enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Through the ages:

Bow and The Crew of Starglider Nine.

It’s getting hard to breathe.

You should panic.

But you don’t have the energy.

Cold.

Hungry.

Alone.

Helpless.

Everything is deathly silent, the silence of the void, of space.

This isn’t how you thought it would go.

“The powers out. That’s never good,”

A voice? Are you hearing things?

“You connected to any com’s?”

“One step ahead of you.”

Two? People?

“Hello? Anyone there?”

You try to scream for help, but don’t make a sound.

“You see anyone?”

“No. Not yet… wait.”

A moment of silence…

Please. Help. Please.

“Sans!! I found someone. A human I think. Oxygen’s too low… critical condition.” A static crackle sounds, “Pluto to Axe! We’re coming back asap. Get a human med kit ready.”

…

“How’s everything going?”

“Alright.”

...

You slowly open your eyes…

It’s bright. You can’t help but groan as you stir awake.

“Is she waking up?” A voice chimes.

“Maybe.” A deeper voice replies.

You open your eyes fully. The room is small but bright. Too bright, and two skeletons are standing over you…?

You rub your eyes. “Did I die?” you mutter.

“No,” Laughs the shorter skeleton. His hood looks fluffy.

You sit up. You see the machines, the med supplies, the pure whiteness of the room. There is this unmistakable sterile smell. You try to recall… What had happened?

You gasp, “You… you saved me!?”

“Yup,” Fluffy hood replies.

The taller one just nods.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m ok thanks, um... How long was I out?”

“48 hours.” Tallboy shrugs.

“Oh wow, a while then… thank you though, for this.”

“It’s no problem, right?” Fluffy-hood looks to Tallboy.

“Yeah, no problem.”

“Oh, right, we should introduce ourselves.” fluffy hood facepalms, “The name’s Pluto, I’m the captain here.” he gestures to the other. “this is Axe our medic.”

Axe raises his hand in a lazy wave.

“Right yeah um, you can call me Bow.”

“Bow… that’s a nice name, it’s nice to meet you Bow,” Pluto says.

“Likewise.” You give them a little smile. “And uh, Pluto, Axe, thank you both for helping me.”

“No problem, and um, Welcome aboard Starglider Nine.” He then looks at a clipboard in his hand. “I have a few more things to do before dinner and uh… you need to rest up, Axe will look after you, I’ll um… maybe I’ll see you later.” The door sides open then closes behind him.

“Like he said you should rest…” Axe mutters. “Just ask if ya need anything.”

“Ok.” You nod and lay your head down, it’s not the comfiest bed but it’ll do for sure, you’re still so tired, you need to heal up, so slumber takes you swiftly.

----------------------------

Sans, Axe, and Pluto sit around the table. Pluto writes ‘meeting objective: Bow?’ on a holo screen in the middle.

“I don’t trust her.” Sans crosses her arms “what was she doing out there?”

“You heard the report, She was possibly from that ship that was attacked,” Pluto replies.

“Weren't the other survivors found on the other side of the crash?”

“Could have just drifted further.” Pluto shrugs.

“Oh, have you heard back from Jupiter yet?” Axe pipes up.

“Not yet, he said he has quite a bit on his plate and he’ll get to checking our request soon.”

“What are we gonna do till then?” Sans asks.

“First we need to look after her, heal her up then you can ask any of your questions I suppose.”

“She’s almost fully recovered,” Axe informs. “Should be up on her feet by the morning.”

“Well, she’s your responsibility, Captain Pluto.” Sans gets up and sends out a half-hearted salute. “I’m heading to bed.”

--------------------------------

You wake again, it’s much darker now, the lights are a dim gold, slowly getting brighter if this is anything like. The ship you used to. Work on. Then this was the morning cycle. You sit up looking around, some small lights over some of the medical equipment flicker. Apart from the occasional beep, the room is quiet.

I should check.

You look around, definitely alone. Pulling your sleeve up, to uncover your silver bracelet, you press a sequence onto it, and the data glow, illuminating the room. All there, no corruption. Perfect. You deactivate it and then notice something.

A little pile of books sit on a table next to you, a note, in almost printed levels of neat writing on it that reads, ‘in case you got bored.’ a doodled flower in the corner.

That's sweet.

You look through, it’s a very random mix of books. You don’t get time to read any though, not before the door slides open.

“Oh, you’re awake?” Was that Pluto? He doesn’t sound right... “Hey, Pluto!? Kid’s awake,” he calls behind him. Guess not.

Pluto comes in not long after. “Thanks, Sans.” he nods before coming over. “Morning Bow, how are you doing?”

“Much better.”

“Good, if you’re up for it, I can give you a quick tour then you can join the crew for breakfast. If you, well if you want to? That is.” He holds out a hand to you.

“Sure why not.” You take his hand and stand, a little shaky you haven’t walked with gravity for a while now, but you gain your balance.

He lets go of your hand but makes sure you’re steady. “So obviously this is our little med bay,” he leads you out. “Down to the left is our engine room and the storage at the end of the ship.”

You look left as he gestures, there are two doors both labelled as he said.

“And behind me,” he steps aside. “Is the bedroom and washroom.”

You nod taking a mental note of the layout.

“This way is our living area.” he directs you down the small corridor to an open area, a small sitting space to the right, kitchen and eating area on the left.

Axe is sitting at the table eating and you spot the back of a skull of another skeleton lounging on a couch.

“The cockpit is just up there.” he points to a door past the open area. “You got it?”

“Yeah think so.”

“Cool if you need anything just ask, now how does breakfast sound?”

“Some food sounds great about now.”

“Alright what can I get you?”

“Just anything you’ve got spare.”

“I’ll get on that. Make yourself comfortable.”

“Thanks.”

You figured you might as well sit at the table. You give Axe a little wave, he gives you a little nod as he eats his breakfast.

“Sans.” Pluto says, his tone a little annoyed, “if you’re eating over there, I swear-.”

“Yeah. yeah, I know, you’re Bro will kill us if we mess up the ship.” he sighs making his way to the table, hot dog in hand.

“Hey kid, names Sans. Sans the skeleton. I’m the mechanic.”

“Nice to meet you. I’m Bow, I-, well, I was a pilot…”

“A pilot hey?” Pluto chimes as he places a plate of warm freshly generated waffles in front of you. “Hope you like waffles.”

“Thanks.”

He sits at the table with a plate of his own waffles.

“You know.” Sans hums. “Pluto’s our pilot. Aren’t we down a co-pilot at the moment?”

Axe nods. “Some of our usual crew are out on different missions.”

“I don’t mind helping out if you need.” You chime.

“I mean you don’t have to…” Pluto reaches for a bottle of chocolate sauce. “But like If you wanna help I wouldn’t stop you,” he mutters, pouring chocolate over his food. “Oh so, did you know chocolate sauce was part of the first meal ever eaten in space so many centuries ago?”

“I didn’t. So you’re into history?”

“Oh well… only if it’s... I mean a just little.” Did his skull flush a little? Or was that your imagination?

Sans chuckles a little. “Anyway kid, can I ask you some questions?”

You nod. “Sure but can I ask one first?”

“Shoot.”

“Have you guys seen any more people? Lost in space like how I was?”

“Not personally.” Sans shrugs.

“But we’ve heard reports,” Pluto adds. “Are you missing some family? Or friends?”

“Not really, I was just worried, I hope everyone got to safety.”

“Well, there have been many reports of people from the Skytanic cruiser being rescued. Is that the ship you’re from?”

“Yeah. That's the one, it’s so good to hear.”

“So what happened?” Sans leans on his hand.

“The ship was attacked.” You looked down. “I don’t know much more than that, all non-essentials were told to make a swift retreat to the closest escape pod.”

“Aren’t pilots kinda essential?” He leans forward, you don’t like how he seems to stare right through you.

“Well yeah, I wasn’t on shift at the time, I feel a bit bad because I was supposed to be but I switched with someone else. I really. I just hope they made it.”

“I’m really sorry Bow, I hope they made it too.” Pluto sympathises. “We could look through reports to find them? If you’d like.”

You shake your head. “I’m worried I… I don’t want to know if she didn’t.” You sniffle. “I’d rather just hope for the best.”

A blaring alarm sounds. Red lights flash. Everyone jumps.

“What in space?”

You all rush to the cockpit.

Asteroids. Asteroids everywhere.

Pluto jumps into the pilot seat, halting the ship to a stop. “How the supernova!? But the… I set the course yesterday.” he turns and sighs. “Sans, I left you in here for 2 minutes last night, what did you do?”

“I uuh… may have knocked it..? I thought it was fine.” He shrugs.

“Go get your tools, we’ll probably need them after this.”

“Kay…” Sans disappears.

“Now to get us outta this mess.”

You jump into the co-pilot seat, determination in your eyes. “Let me help, I’ve manoeuvred asteroid belts like these loads.”

“Thanks. And Axe can you get on the canon.” Pluto cracks his phalanges. “Alright, let's get this over with.”

“Up!”

“Down.”

Thud!

A small asteroid bashes the back of the ship.

“Left.”

“Fire!” an explosion before you, spraying tiny rocks over the place, some hit with a dull metal clink.

Steering in sync took a moment, but you got it as the adrenalin takes over.

“Down,”

“left.”

Operating the thruster gear helped as you swerve through the floating rocks.

“Danm.”

A tight squeeze scrapes at the sides of the ship.

Sans appears in the cockpit again. “That wasn’t good…”

“No duh.”

Finally, the ship is out in clear space. The alarm stops.

You all huff a sigh of relief.

A different beep then sounds as a holo-display of the ship pops up… red marks of damage scattered everywhere.

Sans clears his throat. “Yeah, we’re gonna need to land.”

“Alright.” Pluto taps at his wrist tab until it displays a map.

There’s pretty much nothing in this area. Pluto zooms in on the closest inhabited planet.

Sans shakes his head. “We won’t make it that far. It’s risky but if I have to, I can suit up and go out to fix it.”

You look over the map, you recognise it.

“Hey wait.” The boys look to you. “I know of this planet not far.” You reach for the map. “May I?”

Pluto nods.

You scroll to a tiny unnamed dwarf planet that’s orbiting a small star.

“This little planet, it’s uninhabited because of a lack of drinkable water but the air is breathable. Not great if you need parts but if all we need is to land? It should be close enough.”

Pluto taps at the ship’s controls again. “The ACM is operational if we need to print parts. What do you think?” He looks over at Sans.

“Yeah, It’ll do.”

“Axe, you good with that?”

“Whatever you need.”

“That’s settled, let’s go.”

It wasn’t long until you found the small planet, Pluto landed the ship safely despite the worrying sounds of crunching and cracking of the bashed ship as he did so.

With all the gear collected the four of you step out to set up camp, while sans repairs the ship you all need to stay out as much as possible according to their proto calls.

You step out on the dry ground, the heat waves over you. The dusty rock stained teal by the rich minerals, the sky a pale green, the orange-yellow star shines above your heads the size of your fist.

Each with a small emergency pod those pop up boxes that connect to make small rooms for a crew shelter. They took minutes to set up so Pluto then set up a solar generator and a little camp kitchen. You help string up lights and set a perimeter barrier. You help Sans a little even though you're, not the greatest mechanic, you at least could pass him some tools.

Before long you’re all sat centre camp enjoying a meal under the deep purple sky with the dim flickering solar lights.

“There’s something nice about sitting under the stars like this.” Pluto hums.

“Yeah, been a while.” Axe agrees.

“Gotta say, those 3 moons look way nicer from down here.” Sans muses.

You nod looking up as you eat, there is something about hand-cooked as opposed to generated food that's just so good.

“This food is amazing, I’ve not had a meal like this in a while. Man with a cool ship like yours why don’t you have a stove and eat like this more often?”

“Fire hazard,” Pluto shrugs. “Plus generating food is easier on missions and the less cryo-food on board the better. Only emergency supplies for a few days are carried.”

“Oh fair, fair.”

“How was food on the Skytanic?” Sans asks.

“Yeah what was it like? I heard every few weeks they even got a delivery of fresh foods.” Axe looks almost like he’s daydreaming.

“Um, well, unfortunately, staff got generated meals but the guests got real cooked meals.”

“That’s a shame.” Axe sighs.

“Oh I had a question,” Sans queries, “how come you said if you’ve manoeuvred through asteroids if you pilot a cruiser?”

“You see before I worked there I just liked flying around in a small ship, and well when I’m on break I still like to.”

“how’d you know of this little planet?”

“I’ve actually stopped here before for a little rest when flying solo.”

“Cool, how come you stop by here of all places?”

“Sans, do you have to interrogate Bow every conversation?” Pluto huffs.

“Come on, I just wanna know her a little better.”

“It’s ok.” You say even though it wasn’t really, not that you can admit that.

The conversation was minimal after that before you all headed to your pods for the night. You were restless, space lag? Or maybe guilt, whatever it was you had enough. You get up sneaking out your pod, out the perimeter barrier. You need some space, and you’ve been here before so you know the perfect place.

----------------------------

The rest of the crew woke once the day had officially begun. Pluto rings the bell on your pod.

“Hey Bow, we’re having breakfast.”

No reply.

“Bow?” He knocks just in case the bell is faulty.

No reply again, he starts to get a little worried. He taps at his wrist screen. Pod empty appears in red writing. He taps some more. Pod door last active 1 hour ago.

“Guys we have a problem.”

After pondering what to do, should they follow? Should they wait? Pluto’s com rings.

He answers, a holo of his brother, the main captain, projects from the little device.

“Little early for a report isn’t it?” Pluto jokes.

“BROTHER, I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING,” Jupiter says, his tone deadly serious.

------------------------------------

You walk back a shiny rock in hand.

“I knew it,” Sans exclaims.

“Knew what?” You ask, everyone jumps.

Pluto then looks at you seriously. “Where have you been?”

“I went for a walk, Look I found this in a crystal cave not far from here.”

“A likely story.” Sans rolls his eyes.

“What?”

“Bow we need to talk.” Pluto crosses his arms.

“Ok just let me put this in my pod.”

“NO. Now.”

“O-okay,” You nod and stand waiting. “Is this because I didn’t tell you I was going for a walk? If so I’m sorry. I would of but you were all asleep.”

“Come with me.” he sighs.

You follow as he takes you into his pod, he taps at the panel until the bed disappears replaced by a table and chairs.

“Sit.”

You do so. He sits opposite you. A holo appears before you and your heart sinks.

Your name is in red above your picture. Wanted felon. Member of the Novablade pirates.

“Care to explain?”

How could you think you could get away from this?

“I’m sorry,” you mutter looking down.

He clears his non-existent throat. “For what exactly?”

“I’m sorry for lying to you all, I didn’t know if I could trust you yet. But please let me explain.”

“Be my guest.” he waves his hand, tilting his head.

“I never wanted to be a space pirate. I was dragged into the gang. Ever since I’ve been trying to find a way out. The ship was hit by the Skytanic’s protectors. Minimal damage but I knew one missing escape pod from that area would go unnoticed, I made the split minute decision to run. I stole some data while I was at it. But I made a little miscalculation, and my pod drifted into deep empty space until you found me.”

“What data?”

You click your bracelet a map displays. “The whereabouts of all the Novablades bases, stop points. Anywhere they might hide. I want to stop the suffering they cause, I just couldn’t take it anymore.” You finally look up at him.

He looks away. “How can I know you’re telling the truth? You’ve lied to my face before.”

“You don’t have to believe me, I know after something like this… you probably can’t. You.. can drop me off at the next inhabited planet, or take me to the closest law enforcement or even leave me here for dead if you’d like.” You sigh.

“Sans, what do you think?” He says to his com.

“I think you’ve got the truth this time buddy. Especially if she’ll willing to hand over that data.”

Pluto looks up to you.

“Have It.” you slide the bracelet over the table to him.

“I need to report to my brother to see what he thinks. Sit tight.”

He takes the bracelet and leaves you there.

An hour passes and Axe brings you breakfast, leaving promptly without a word.

Another hour of boredom. Sat in a pretty much empty box.

After a third hour, Pluto comes back looking a little happier. You sit up hoping to hear some good news.

“I have some bad news. You’re under arrest.”

You sigh. “That’s fair.”

“The good news is.”

You lookup.

“Your story in mind, and in exchange for the data, we’ve struck a deal and the galactic law have permitted you the opportunity to stay under our watch in galactic community service as a member of our crew for 10 years, or you can go to trial for the crimes you’ve been linked to but then you’re looking at jail time. I’ll let you think on that.”

“I’ll take it.”

“What?”

“I’ll join your crew. I’ll do the community service. I promise I won’t do any funny business. I just out of Novablade.”

“You know the galactic law can then send you on any mission they please?”

“I understand, sometimes that involves cleaning space, scouting, getting rid of threats, delivering random supplies and stuff. Ya don’t try opting out of a gang without looking at your options.”

“Alright. I’ll let my Bro, I mean our captain, know the news.” He gives you a little smile. “Don’t let us down.”

“You can count on me.”

He opens the door. “Can you give Sans a hand with repairs?”

“Yes, Captain.”

You head over to where Sans is working. You hesitate.

“Took that deal then kid?”

“Yeah… and um, I’m sorry for lying to you all.” You sigh.

“Don’t sweat it kid, and I mean you were pretty good at it.” he chuckles.

“You saw right through it though didn’t you?”

“I got a knack for it,” he shrugs, “mind passing the sonic polydrive?”

“Sure.” you pass him the tool.

“Ya know, I have a knack for seeing people’s guilt, but Pluto sees the best in people, literally, I swear he reads people motivations.”

“Oh?”

“Think he was mostly annoyed at himself cuz he thought he misread you or something.” Sans chuckles.

“You think? I was worried I’d completely shattered any trust any of you have in me.”

“I mean you kinda did.” he passes you the polydrive back.

You put it in the toolbox.

“Hold this for me,” he asks.

You hold the metal panel in place while Sans secures it.

“But he wouldn’t have asked Jupiter to strike that deal if he didn’t think you were genuine.”

“That’s nice to know, thank you.”

“Just know if you mess with us you’ll have a bad time.” His tone went dark.

You shiver.

“But if you don’t mess with us you’ll be fine.”

“I promise, I’ll be as good as gold.”

“Then we’ll have no problem.” he finishes attaching the panel and steps to the next area to fix. “Polydrive.”

You hand him the tool.

“Ya know Pluto really feels responsible for you.” Sans looks over his shoulder as he works.

“Really? How so?”

“Well, not only cuz he takes being captain seriously but also cuz he found you. He dragged you outta that escape pod.”

“He saved me?”

“We all helped but yeah, pretty much.”

You help Sans fix up the rest of the ship, taking a lunch break in the middle of course, and finally, a little before sunset the ship was up to safety protocol. You could have taken off there and then but Pluto suggested you all stay one more night.

You wanted to get a really good look at the sunset. You missed it yesterday because you were busy working but you love the sunset here. Of course, you couldn’t go alone anymore, But Sans was too tired and Axe was cooking tonight. Pluto though was more than happy to venture out with you.

You take him up to the little cliff you like to sit at the few times you’ve visited here.

You sit side by side watching the green sky fade into hues of pink and purple as the orange star slips behind the rocky mountains in the distance.

There is a comfortable silence before Pluto breaks the quiet.

“You know, this planet is a similar size to the planet I’m named after.”

“There’s a planet named Pluto?” You giggle. “Where’s that?”

“In, the milky way. It’s a dwarf planet in the Kuiper belt in the solar system.”

“How did you get named after a planet In the solar system?”

“it’s a family name from back when monsters and humans lived on earth, and when space travel first started, apparently my ancestor named his son after his favourite Planet in their system in tribute, and It became a family name.”

“Oh come on, people coming from earth is just a myth.” You giggle.

“Well I like myths.” he chuckles back.

“Where did your name come from Rainbow?”

“I don’t actually know.” you shrug.

“Let me look it up.” he looks it up on his device.

“Your’s comes from earth too. Apparently, when the sun’s rays hit the rain from clouds just right it made an arch of every colour in the sky. I found a picture.” he shows you the rainbow on his screen. “It’s just as pretty as you…”

He rubs the back of his skull, which is dusted in a galaxy blue highlighting the cute little freckles across his cheeks.

“Thank you.” You feel your own face warm up.

“S-say… I think this planet needs a name, do you want to name it together?”

You nod. “Any ideas?”

“We could call it Pluto the 2nd.” He laughs.

You laugh with him.

“Ok being more serious. What does this planet make you think of?” he looks over the landscape.

You think for a minute. “Weirdly enough water.”

“But this planet is as dry as a bone.” He giggles.

“I know, I know, but look at the colours.”

“Yeah, yeah, I see it.”

“We can’t just call it water though.” you think… but you’re stumped.

“Oh, so when on earth people named planets after mythology.”

“That would be cool, do you know much about mythology?”

“I said I liked myths, didn’t I? So I know a little.”

“Is there any water-themed myths?”

“Quite a few I think, you know I scanned in a book about myths so let me check.”

“You have a book? I thought they were all gone?”

He just nods, focused on reading. “Here, a list of mythological water creatures, any look good to you?”

You read through the various names. “What about Cetus?”

“I like it.” he chimes. “What if we call the biggest moon Lerna, after the coast the Hydra lived in?”

“That’s so cool. We could call the other two Scylla and Charybdis after this sea monster and its whirlpool?” you point to it on his display.

Pluto nods. “I love it. I’ll submit those names right now.” he gives you a big smile.

The sun is completely down now, so you head back for dinner, ready to wake in the morning and start this new life, with a new crew.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you liked uwu

QQ Outertale was a special request but should I add Pluto and Jupiter to my usual line up?

I had fun writing this space boi.

#ot sans #ht sans #undertale sans #undertale au #sci-fi au #keziha writes #through the ages #fanfic

[reviss-dragonlord]

Here's some wild shit I don't think a lot of us talk about, if you've got any sort of even intermediately serious mental issues during you're youth then YEAH consuming problematic media will affect you in a deep way that's usually not great.

I spent MANY years going from crime shows, to watching Hannibal in my early teens to 20s and I'm literally struggling now with cannibalistic desires daily. I went to fucking therapy for it and used to be on meds in part because I have serious mental issues that can't just be wished away and in part I absorbed some of the worst traits of the media I enjoyed.

Honestly parents need to step up in this modern age and monitor their children better both in what they consume for entertainment but also any mental issues that could be targeted and treated early on.

I'm done ignoring this pretty large problem in myself and finally got help for it after having done permanent damage to myself. We joke about how bad Kinning was back in the day, bud that's a whole lotta mental shit that ain't being taken care of!! Hannibal itself isn't harmful, but children who get into fandoms that sometimes overtly support wildly harmful shit as a joke is a problem.

FNAF, Minecraft streamers, K-pop, literally any media can be harmful and especially any fandom. Both adult and children's spaces should be respected and kept separate.

I'm in a discord where I'm finding more and more children are being added, so obviously I'm not going to talk about anything NSFW but also I'm going to be more delicate to ANY serious topic because the last thing I wanna do is accidentally be some core memory of why they later become a fucked up adult.

I genuinely with my mom had spent more time checking out the anime and shows I watched as a kid.

Here's my list of the shit I would REGULARLY read and watch fandom wise, because we should normalize that in the past we consumed harmful shit and that's ok we should just try to make it more difficult for children these days to.

Most of these I enjoyed from age 9-15:

Danny phantom/Vlad Plasmius

Snape/Harry Potter(snarry)

Naruto /Naruto Shippuden

Bleach

Dragon Ball( not Z didn't watch them until late high school)

Hannibal

Criminal Minds(specifically Spencer/Tobias from some reason)

Goodbye suicide senpai (anime)

Doctor Who

Star Trek( OTS and TNG mostly but I've watched all of them with my mom up to 2015)

Honestly most Yaoi manga I could find, almost all of which contains SA of some kind and LOTS of young/Older pairings. Like it's ridiculous how much of that was popular in the early 2010s

That's most of what I can remember that I actively participated in and enjoyed the most.

TL;DR we need to be more mindful of children in our fandoms and spaces when deciding how and where to post and any parents out there should be more careful about what your children are taking in. You're never going to catch all of it but we can at least do better than letting a kid be undisturbed or watched at all for hours on the computer at age 9. Jesus most 4-10 year olds these days have some sort of online enabled device.

#this is some serious opening up #but i feel this is important #especially with fandoms for Encanto and such coming out rn #we need to do better at cultivating our spaces #fandom shit #idk if literally anyone is going to actually understand what im saying of just read the last part and decide to demonize me.

[dxmedstudent]

🥞hey dx, rn im at a crossroads on what i want to be. as much as id want to be a chef, the cost of schooling weighs me down. i know that the first few years arent going to be paid well so the debt's interest will get to me but if i dont get into this, id have no actual motivation to become a dentist/accountant other than paying for culinary school later on. i dont even know if i should get into the other professions anyway bc life gets in the way of doing what we want or whatever

🥞i guess what all this boils down to: is student debt and being poor worth doing what i love? and should i let my parents' opinion on this weigh in when i know theyll disown me for being gay? thank you            Hey, friend. Being at a crossroads is scary, but it’s OK. You’ll get through, and you’ll find the right choice sooner or later. Figuring out what you want to do is part of growing up, and a lot of us change our minds along that road, so there’s really no right way to do it. Is there anyone at your school who gives career advice? They might be able to put you into contact with people who can help, or explain the pros and cons of different options where you are. Sometimes people do get themselves a ‘stable’ job in order to finance their dream, and that’s not always bad, but it has to be something you can tolerate or preferably enjoy. When you say ‘dentist/accountant’ I have to wonder if you’ve thought of what they entail, what you like, and whether they would match your skills and interests. But if you do want a ‘day job’ to finance your further studies, there are lots of other jobs beside being a dentist or acocuntant that also entail a steady income and might be more suitable. Think about what you’re good at, and what you like, or can tolerate doing, and work from there. If you want to do gown this path, do some careful thinking about jobs, and look for jobs that you can do OK in, even if they aren’t your first choice. It might help if they don’t cost a lot to train up in, or if they will be better paid to counteract the time and money you’d spend training in them. Sometimes even a 9-5 job for a short while can help finance what you want to do in the future; lots of people I know did something to finance med school, if they came to it a bit later in life. But don’t settle for any job you hate; you don’t want ot be miserable. Life really is too short, and if you hate a job when you start it, you won’t be loving it after 10 years when even the slightly novel and fun bits have lost their shine. I don’t know where you are, and how bad tuition fees are in your country, or how much you can earnwhilst you study in order to look after yourself, so I can’t say if just doing culinary school from the outset is financially possible. It mght help you to ask around/do some research to see if it’s really as difficult financially as you suspect, and whether there are any grants or scholarships that you could apply for.  I could tell you to follow your heart; in an ideal world, I think everyone deserves to do what they would love. But the reality isn’t always straightforward. Soometimes the things we’d love to do would entail more risk than we can take, or would make us unhappy in other ways. The best choice is the one with the most net gain in your happiness; i.e. the one that is best overall for you given all the factors. Ultimately, only you can decide what the best choice is for you; some people value  stability more highly, others want to take that risk; there’s no one right choice because all of us might gauge the risks and benefits differently. I’m sorry that your parents won’t accept you for who you are. It’s not fair, and I hope you have lots of support from others. Your decision is yours, but in real life we often care about what other people in our lives think, even if our relationship from them is far from straightforward. If your parents won’t support you, then it’ll be important to plan for complete independence financially, and make sure you’re in a safe place before you come out to them (if you want to; you don’t owe them that by any means); I’d recommend having somewhere to go, and having a degree of financial independence, so that you are safe.

#askdx #ask dx #follow your dreams #Anonymous

[goldstonegolem64]

Book1 Hope Returns Chapter15 Dates , Double crosses and deals  By goldstonegolem64

In the med bay 

“So Lance I'm going to ask you some questions I need you to answer them truthful please“ Jay Said holding a medical tablet

“alright my man hit me with you best shot” Lance said to jay while he was being check by two med bots scanning him

Question one Are you sexually actives

“no not right now”

“be serious please lance” 

“Ok I am not sexually active”

“have you been in the past”

“No”

“ok question two  do you have any allergy that we need to be aware of”   

“No”

“Question three  why are cutting yourself” 

Lance look surprised by jay know about the cuts but then he though that he was the one who brought him to the med bay after the bomb when off

“I don’t want to talk about it”

“Look lance I know how you feel and I know its feels not good but it better then the pain of  being lonely or second rate or fear or the number of other reason some one would have to cut themselves for but if you keep going down this road your going to end up being alone for every or your going to end up in a bathtub then you wake up in the er with stitches on your wrist and a family scary to hell that you wont wake up. Look if you don't want to talk about it I understand you know where to find me I you want to talk and remember there are people who care about you here some care about you more then the other Jay said with a small smile hoping what he said to lance helped him in some way 

“Did you just say some one likes me more then the other is it Allura”

Jay face palmed with his metal hand rubbing the bridge of his nose hoping even more that what he said actual got though lance’s sometimes thick skull and replied with a “no it not allura she do not look like some one who wants to date at the moment and most alteans don't like the straight forward no she is over three hundred year old you are seventeen try to date someone you own age place if you just listen to one thing I say let it be this don't date a women centuries older then you it is a weird thing to be apart of is what my best friend Yorak as told me”  

“you live a strange life .”Lance

“yes yes I do “  jay said

“So who likes me that way ”lance asked 

“its not my place to say who like you but they will tell you when they're ready to tell you themselves which I hope its soon” jay replied.

“ ok but until then I'm going to flirt with anyone I see alright”  lance said shooting finger guns at him

“same here my dude but place be more careful in the days to come”jay said shooting a finger gun back at lance 

“ thanks for the talk I'm happy I'm not alone anymore with this problem and please don't tell anyone about this” lance said “

“to later my Lance I told allura and she was going to tell the other about It the moment I got you alone so the other might just be right out side the door”Jay said guilty about telling some one now

“let just go then” lance said annoyed about this turn of a events

the med bay door open to the rest of the group there to meet lance and pulled him in to a hug.Jay watched as the group was just hugging lance. he hoped that those moment never end but one day they will part way but not today. As the group just talked to lance jay walked past them and down the stairs in to the living room cargo bay combo grabbed frosty from his little sand box sat on the couch turn on the tv and start to watch what ever movie that was in the dvd play at the moment but before he could bop the snoot of his pet lizard a distress signal was being picked up by the castle .making their way to the bridge the Coran told then that the beacon was coming from a near by moon the signal said that a ship was out of power and they need help.

“So are we going to help them or are we going to the balmera “Jay asked 

“Were going straight to the balmera I promised shay I would come back they can wait for another ship to come along ”Hunk said a littlie impatient 

“I know you want to see your girlfriend again but calm down” pidge said taking a jab a hunk

“yeah your really craving that mineral my dude ”jay said getting a high five from pidge

“both of you stop that he’s just worried about shay and her family” Adam said 

“Alright sorry “the two said 

“To answer your question jay we are going to help them its a paladins duty to help anyone in need of help” allura said 

Hunk was annoy but didn't argue.So the group suited up and flew to the moon to help leaving  Adam coran and Beauregard in the castle to remove any energy from the galra control crystal had left behind.as the castle land where the ship was. Leaving the castle the group meet the crew of the ship they were 

“ its good to see some friendly face not many people what ot help went your being cased by the galra.I'm Rolo” and this is my crew that Nyma and that  Beezer“ said the purple skinned man

Lance was enamored by Nyma beauty and introduces himself by kissing her hand. Pidge was equally amazed by the high-tech appearance of beezer and began to inspecting him. As for Jay he was inspecting the ship and laugh a little remembering the first time he had to call for help when his ship lost power after some pirates decide to attack him as he was coming home from salvage tip to a scrape yard  oh good times he though to himself.

“Saw what happened here “Shiro asked

“We were fight the galra and we took so damage we’ve been stuck on this moon for about a week now hoping some one would come along and help us  Rolo said 

“ I princess Allura of altea and paladin of Voltron are happy to fight along side you ”She said

“I’m Jay by the way I'm the pilot of the Valkyrie” he said still hold and petting frosty smile to himself think about all the trouble he got in to the past three year after he had bought the Prometheus.

“I'm not going to lie I have no Idea what Voltron or the Valkyrie are can someone fill us in” Rolo asked

“after a failed attempted by lance to explain what Voltron was Hunk annoyed by the small talk and suggested that they should fix the ship Rolo agreed with the and show hunk the inside of the ship though unaware what extra parts the castle could spare

‘Make a list of thing you need and hunk can go to Coran and see what part we have”Allura suggested 

“alright we help bring the parts back if you want ”rolo said 

“No not after what happened last time we let people in lance almost die”Hunk said walking back to the castle”

“He’s not wrong” Keith said 

“Yes we should processed with caution from he on out "Shiro said

“Alright I see no problem with that.I mean he as every right not to true us after what happened to his friend.Good on him for looking out for his crew.”Rolo said with a smile

As the group waited Rolo explained to Allura Shiro Jay and Keith what happened to his home world how it was destroy and he was taken captive but he managed to escaped but not with out losing his leg.Shiro sympathizes with him because he had gone though the same thing as him during the time he was captive by the galra.Pidge was still distracted by Beezer only looking way from her robotic friend to look at lance who was flirting with Nyma which made her a little upset completely unaware Keith was doing the same 

Hunk returned with the parts they needed.So he and rolo started to repair the ship>Allura asked Rolo about the galra empire and he explain that Zarkon ruled in a massive space station surround by the main fleet and that when a problem accord he would seen the closest ship to hand it.But lucky for them they were on the fringes of the empires reach Hunk intruded again remined the team they were on a recuse mission to and that they should hurry up and help him repair the ship>Jay watched from a far sit on one of the box talking to Keith who looked a little distraught.

“How you holding up Keith” Jay asked

“ I’m find” he said still looking at lance 

“Just go tell him before its to late”

“but what if he says no”

“Then he says no and you can move on knowing you tried.Look Keith the longer you wait the more likely some one will take lance from you or he Dies. So just take a leap of faith and ask him out”

Keith stare at jay then to lance swallowed his fear and walked toward lance 

Else where Pidge was ride Beezer to Allura to ask a very serious question

“Hey princess can I talk to you about something?” Pidge asked

“What is it “Allura replied 

“Can you help me ask lance out?” 

“ok how do I do that? "Allura said confused 

“Just tell me what to say over the helmet comm and we will see what happens”Pidge said

“Why don't you just ask him out normal "Allura asked

“I'm scared to say the wrong think I maybe smart with technology But I'm not the best with people” 

“nonsense your great with people “Allura said

“Not romantically ” Pidge counter

As the two were having their convection Jay walked over straight to Allura and said “Keith is about to ask lance out’ With a look of joy on his 

“What is going on "Shiro asked

“Keith is about to ask lance out “ Allura said with a smile on her face forgetting about what her and pidge were doing

“I need to call Adam” Shiro said 

“call me for what? "Adam said walking toward the group with a tray full on drink and snacks

“Keith about to ask lance out” Shiro said smiling 

The group watched as Keith walk to lance. They watch the convection between the two with bated breath. . The moment the Lance and Keith stopped talking everyone held their breath group and lance continued to talk to Nyma. Keith had one of his rare smiles on his face

“so what did you say "Adam asked

“I just asked him if he want to train with me later and he said yes 'Keith replied 

“That not a date but that a start” Jay said

“I'm very proud of you Keith” Shiro said with the biggest grin on his face 

“yes were all proud of you Right Pidge” Allura said Turing her head to face pidge and mouthed sorry to her teammate”

Pidge gave a nod to Allura And said though a fake smile” good for you Keith”

“thanks guy "Keith said

“if you ever need dating advice just ask me or Adam or Shiro 'Jay said Unaware of the small teenage girl he had just made enemy with.

"Hey guys I'm going to take Nyma for a ride in the blue lion be right back" lance said running in to the castle.

"So what about that dating advice a Jay” Pidge said

Jay looked at Keith who was a little upset but still smile that he asked lance out” Alright I will make shore he don't do anything stupid be right back.Hey Val I know your here just let me in “Jay said has the blue lion flew out of the castle 

As he said that the other watch as Jay disappeared. The group was confused as to where they friend disappear to as a shimmer of light distorted the area Where jay just stood then a gust of wind pushed then back a bit by the force of the wind .

“What was that” Rolo asked confused by the sudden gust of wind 

“I think that might have been Valkyrie” Allura said  

 “ok” Rolo said before going back to work still confused and pull out a COMM link to tell Nyma to be careful of she may have company 

“We need to know exactly what Valkyrie can do before we get to the balmera alright” Pidge said 

“agreed” everyone said

Jay was sitting in the cockpit of Valkyrie with frosty sitting on his head just chilling. Following behind the blue lion  

“so what is your plan my pilot?”Val asked

“just watch and wait to see what happens”

“Do You trusted Rolo And his crew? “She asked

“No” He replied

“Why is that my pilot” She asked 

“Because any Salvager worth his weight in scrape metal can see a trap that simple as the one they set up "HE replied again  

“why didn't you tell the others about this “She asked again 

“You have your way of testing the others I have mine ”He replied 

“So how are we going to handle this then”

“The moment we see Lance get in to trouble I will jump in and if I get in to trouble you back me up ok” He asked?

“That is a bad plan” She said 

“Yes it better then nothing” He said thinking about what happened on phobos 

the two kept on following the blue lion right to a spring Jay landed the Valkyrie about forty feet form the spring . Jay left the cockpit and start to walk toward the pond Bayard in his hand. Making his way to a clearing seeing lance and Nyma just talking about something he couldn't  hear what was being. The closer he got to the pair the more of lance’s ego Jay was hearing. Before he could say any thing Nyma handcuffed Lance to tree. Lance was dumfounded by this new situation he was even more confused when he saw  Jay walking up slowly to a unaware.

“Sorry Sweetheart nothing personal” She said about to hit a button on he belt

“Yes love it nothing personal” Jay said pointing his Bayard at Nyma 

“Hey Jay what's going on here?’ Lance asked still confused 

“She and Rolo are trying to steal Your of the lions” 

“How did you figure it out ”Nyma Asked 

“easy you just to me by handcuffing lance to a tree and hitting that button on your side telling your partner that you have completed your mission so that how and the fact that your ship didn't have any plasma burns or the moment Rolo popped the hood of you ship everything he said was broke weren't I may have been born at night but it wasn't last night. Jay said .

“So what are you going to do with me then” Nyma asked

“Nothing were just going to wait for your team then we will go back as if nothing happened right Lance? Jay asked 

“why she tried to steal blue.” lance said 

“Mainly because I think this is the perfect learning moment for you not to let your Showboating Make decision for you and I find the way she used her beauty to trick you in to this situation kinda funny because if it wasn't  you I would have fallen for this trap. But the main reason being that if we don't rat them out they own us a favor and we can use that later if we need to find other rebel groups”   Jay said a little smug 

“what make you thing they'll stick to that "lance ask

“because who wants to make enemy with the group that took out sendak”

 “you took out Sendak?”Nyma said 

“Yes we did “Jay replied  

“Maybe you guy do stand a chance against the empire if you took out Zarkon best General.”She said

“Yes we do you just have to give us a chance and a bit of luck” Jay said uncuffing lance from the tree.

As the three of then were talking a ship flew trying to grab the blue lion  only to be met by Valkyrie who landed right on top of the ship bring it down to the ground. Rolo and beezer walked out of the ship confused by the giant metal dragon that just appeared and the fact that both jay and lance were just standing there 

“So do we have a deal Lady Nyma” Jay asked 

“Yes we do Jay as long as you hold stick to you word and we will stick to are ok” She said 

“What did you just a agree to Nyma” Rolo asked

“I just got us out of trouble with the group of people who took out Sendak “ She whisper to him as they were walking back to their ship.

Hey before you guys leave take this "Jay tossed a communicator towards Nyma “ If you ever get in to trouble you cant get out of just call.” Jay said 

“Dose this have just the castles number or dose it have your as well ” Nyma asked with a smile looking at jay 

“no but if you want it I can give it to you "Jay said smiling back

Has the two exchanged number lance was walking back to his lion hope his training with Keith is better then this. Jay ran up behind lance  when he was done talking to with Nyma.

“So How did you manage to get us both out of trouble and get a girls number at the same time”? Lance asked 

“I kept my cool whole way though that whole situation but I'm not going to lie I don't know that Sendak was the best general Zarkon had  and the number I got I don't know how I managed maybe I'm just that good looking or she likes guy who ” Jay said 

“so what do we tell the other when we get back without Nyma and rolo anyway” Lance said 

“We tell them that their ship was fixed just enough that they can make it to a repair shop and their are going to look for other rebel groups to help us in this fight which is true” Jay said 

“So were not going to tell the other about the fact they tried to steal the blue lion”

“no we keep that to are selves. look lance we are in the middle of enemy territory we need as many allies we can get and they may be are way of finding pidge’s brother ,father and some other rebel groups if they do keep up their end So take the leapt of faith with me and see what happens next lance. Maybe it just might save are ass one day ” Jay said 

As the two pilot made their way back to the castle Jay received a text from Rolo saying thank for not hurt Nyma when he found out about their plan and a wish of good luck on the mission to fight the empire. The two returned to the group and told half of the truth forgetting  to tell the other about the attempted to steal the blue lion. now with no more distractions the group finally make their way to their first real and hardest mission yet 

#voltron #canon divergence #au #oc #kidgance #kidge #plance #klangst #klance #langst #adashi #lotura #nyma #Rolo #first fanfic #hunay #hunk garrett #lance mcclain #keith kogane #pidge gunderson #takashi shirogane #allura #coran #adam

[stylesbicon]

complete transcript from the convo earlier (it got messy):

Mom: Hey [Deadname]! I read your post. Did this come from me wanting to share a devotion with you? I only do that with my seasoned Christian friends who get it, and live it authentically. Not the other way around.

Mom: I’m

Mom: Sorry that those things have happened to you. I’m guessing that country isn’t as accepting overall?

Mom: For some other times, perhaps you are feeling that things are ‘because’ of your gender look from people  that aren’t thinking that? Like the minority who thinks everything is because of their color, when it’s not at all. Or the woman who relates anything that happens to her because she’s a woman? I’m not saying it doesn’t happen on occasion from people when it certainly shouldn’t and does, yet it might not be on people’s mind as often as you might suppose?

Mom: Either way I’m

Mom: sorry your feelings are hurt.

Mom: I’ve always loved you for your heart and soul since before you were born, the outside package never mattered to me.

Me: Oh this country is very accepting actually!

Me: The only sucky people are family at home

Mom: What does that mean? Did something happen?

Me: No I’m just tired of the only people in the world who call me [Deadname] and treat me like a girl being my family because it doesn’t feel good and I’ve been waiting for a long time for it to stop

Me: So I realized… I don’t need to spend all that money if it’s gonna make me feel Bad about myself

Mom: How does it make you feel bad?

Mom: You told me I could call you that as like a middle name of yours

Mom: If it’s taken you 22 yrs to get used to the idea, we’ve only had 2. How would it be different now for you from before you left in Sept?

Me: But it’s the lack of an effort to try in any other way… like it’s been so long and the pronouns haven’t changed and that says to me it’s not important enough to you or you don’t “”“believe”“” me like… what if I always called you my dad?

Mom: If something was bothering you, why didn’t we talk about it instead of the FB rant? I’m sure anxiety will naturally build, as it gets closer

Me: Or that I had to share a room with my sister, that wasn’t great or understanding

Mom: Huh?Mom: You’re supposed to have your own room here?

Me: I’d hardly call it a rant. And every time I’ve tried to talk to you about it I’ve been shut down! Or invalidated. Like the time you told me I needed to see a psychiatrist because I wanted top surgery

Me: Would you make [brother] share a room with [sister] if he moved home?

Mom: What? I never said you needed to see one for anything other than the feelings you haven’t dealt with from the family breaking apart.

Me: I DEFINITELY remember that. Very clearly

Mom: I’ve always supported you when you were different your whole life.

Me: You said how it wasn’t right that I wanted to mutilate my body

Mom: Well, gender aside, that’s not right in any form, to hurt oneself.

Me: It’s surgery…. like. gender confirmation surgery

Mom: If I’m giving you grace on your choices then you need to give the same back.

Mom: Why is this a thing all of a sudden? We worked through this before?

Me: Because there’s been no change from you for two years

Me: At least try to talk to/about me differently?

Mom: I love you for you, not for your outside. We don’t have to agree on everything for me to love you accept you and support you.

Me: But it’s a big part of me and that’s the part that needs acceptance

Mom: I don’t know what you want from me. I’ve always loved and supported you.

Mom: I always will

Mom: Where did this come from? Did I say something specific? Or the decision to come home?

Me: I just want you to think about how maybe you don’t the way I want. I will try to make you a list of ideas and ways you can help, and better explain how I feelMe: yeah coming home

Mom: I’ve always asked you before or when introducing you which name I should use and you’ve said either so how is that not treating you respectfully?

Me: I appreciate that, but I’ve only said that because you seem so uncomfortable. And I don’t actually care about the name, but maybe introduce me as your son

Mom: I may never do things the way you want but that doesn’t mean I don’t accept you.

Me: (well I do care about the name, just not as much as the other stuff. I do think it’s a great name)

Mom: I can’t do that. No matter what you look like. And People will decide on their own.

Mom: It doesn’t mean at all that I don’t accept you

Me: That’s what that means to me

Mom: I’ve always accepted you

Me: and you’ve actually corrected people asking you if I’m your son. eventually people are gonna start thinking you’re crazy, especially after I’ve been on T a while

Me: I’ve waited to start T too because I knew it would make you uncomfortable, but that’s something else I can’t wait for

Mom: You say you are following what God told you, and I’ve accepted that and given you space. After much praying God told me to name you [Deadname] and that you were a girl. You

Mom: Feel He is telling differently now and OK.

Me: Right, That happened and it was meant to. And now it’s different

Mom: I hear you. But I also have to follow what God tells me. I’ve tried really hard to be supportive of you too.

Mom: What is T? Male hormone?

Mom: To do what to you?

Me: yeah testosterone

Me: you can Google the effects there are quite a few. I think it’s a good idea to research a lot of this

Mom: Yes it will make me uncomfortable but I still love you and accept you. I don’t have to agree with everything the same as you. You like foods I don’t like also, I’m sure, that’s OK. We have different opinions on many things. We still love each other.

Me: I’m still going to give you a list of things you could do to be supportive, just ideas, and I do want you to pray and research some things

Mom: And you pray for accepting that I don’t have to agree, I love you always. I also have to follow what God tells me too.

Mom: I’d rather you be in a healthy place emotionally (worked throughMom: past, broken family, Dad stuff) before you change your body. so you are confident that it is right for you. I want you happy.

Mom: I want you to be happy. And making a decision on anything long term from a healthy place. That’s why therapy suggestions. Clear out pain, baggage and go forward healthy, whatever you decide.

Me: I definitely made the decision a long time ago and every therapist I’ve seen agrees with me

Mom: I never tried to 'fix you’, change you, only to help you be the best you, you can be.

Mom: You said you decided two years ago?

Me: yeah

Mom: When your family broke up, your dad was introducing you to his girlfriend while married and younger brothers going off the deep end and me crying sporadically probably. I’m

Me: yeah so you guys getting divorced made me realize that my perfect idea of our family was already ruined and so me deciding to be my authentic self wouldn’t be the thing that did that

Me: from my point of view

Me: so it was kind of freeing

Mom: not saying it’s not the decision you’ll end at, just to make sure it the right one for you in a healthy emotional state. Same as I would if you were buying a house during that time or other major life decision.

Mom: Can you help me understand something?

Mom: If you are living who you believe God created you to be, and I believe you feel that, then live it. Be gay, don’t have children, dress as a man, if that’s who feel you are. By changing your body, the way God made you and intended you to be, how is that living who you are supposed to be? God doesn’t make mistakes in His creations. Maybe it’s being as you are now? Maybe it will give others the courage?

Me: well… God also didn’t give me 20/20 vision… but he did give us the tools to make my vision how he created it to be

Mom: But that’s the same as your chest wrap. Putting something on to adjust it.

Me: then think of it as Lasik. or braces.

Mom: It’s not cutting body parts off or altering them to be different. Braces move them around.

Me: I really don’t know how to make you understand

Mom: I’m trying to understand how that aligns with God’s creation. I’m struggling. I’ve protected your beautiful body all our lives, sometimes with my own, rocked it, held it, gave it medicine, found OT for it, kept it safe… to change it from how it’s made… that’s my struggle. To alter it to look like a cat would be the same, it’s not about a man, altering God’s design permanently.

Mom: Someone cutting my child’s body to change it… a momma’s heart can never comprehend. And my faith can’t either, because then it’s not living as God created you to be.

Me: Literally… breast tissue is being removed

Mom: I’m hurt that you seem to have believed that anytime I suggested you find a young adult ministry, bible study, church, or do a devotion that all you saw was about your gender choices. What? It was about your faith growing and the preace, support and prayers one gets from that fellowship. I suggested it because you have a strong faith, as I do, and can grow your faith and share it with others. I never thought to change you, fix you, or had any thought of gender whatever. How could you ever think that of me?

Me: And the other stuff? My body doesn’t make enough of a certain type of chemical so I’d be taking it artificially… just like my anxiety meds

Me: that had nothing to do with it

Mom: What had nothing to do?

Me: what you said about going to church and stuff? that has nothing to do with anything

Mom: Your FB post

Me: yeah that has nothing to do with what you said

Mom: Why didn’t you ever voice your feelings and talk about it, and hear my intent. Even earlier today. We had a good conversation. It’s like you don’t know me if you think I judge you. I’ve always accepted and loved you as you are. I always will. When have I not?

Me: I’ve told you, I get shut down every time I try and you don’t even realize it. It’s exhausting.

Mom: How do I shut you down? Example?

Me: And I’m really sick of hearing about how you accept and love me when I’ve seen no proof of that, especially with the criticism i JUST got from you for wanting to transition

Mom: I never criticized. I’m trying to understand and have a conversation about it now.

Mom: How was any of sharing my feelings criticizing yours?

Me: you’re saying hateful things all the time when I try to bring up discussion points. like “hey some people blablabla” “Well SOME people are crazy and don’t follow God”

Mom: Example?

Me: the comparison to wanting to change my body to look like a cat is a pretty good example

Me: I’m looking for examples right now

Mom: Oh cmon. That meant it’s NOT about gender

Mom: Let’s not change the meaning and pull things out of context

Mom: I’m truly trying to discuss it

Mom: How has anything been hateful??

Mom: Hateful or criticizing? How can you say that? “And I’m really sick of hearing about you accept and love me when I’ve seen no proof of that” Are you kidding? I’ve been your biggest cheerleader your whole life! You know that

Me: I just want you to think about that

Mom: Sharing my feelings or disagreeing isn’t shutting you down, it’s discussing. Communicating.

Mom: About what?

Me: About those questions. about how I might think you haven’t been supportive

Mom: Disagreeing doesn’t mean I don’t love and support you

Mom: I actually am trying to understand since we have different viewpoints. Did you try to understand my feelings? My viewpoint?

Mom: We have talked all this through and worked it out two years ago. Why do this now? And I was supportive and have been, and asked you how you preferred things etc.

Me: youre the most important person in my life and I haven’t been able to be myself around you for such a long time because I’ve been thinking for so long about how YOU feel and not making YOU uncomfortable and meeting you halfway, but at the end of the day my biggest mistake in this whole thing has been trying to care about other people’s feelings. I do understand your viewpoint because it was mine for so long. The difference is I got educated and ever time I try to teach you, you reject it. Like the time I tried to send you actual academic articles and you rejected them because they “weren’t written by Christians”(????) So no we never talked through all of it, I heard your piece and stayed quiet because I didn’t want to change my relationship with you. But the lack of support has been damaging and draining and I don’t care at all about your “it’s what’s on the inside that counts” stuff because you can’t just support the inside of a person. So until you can be like “This is my son Chris” and BELIEVE it and not be embarrassed about it, I don’t feel supported. You can’t pick and choose. And my whole point for doing all this now? Is that I’m not going to be spending thousands of dollars to come home just to be treated the same terrible way.

#no idea what triggers to tag....... #but its upsetting esp to trans folks #the ongoing saga

[warmau]

{Special} College!AU Sungjin

sungjin already graduated college, he did his degree in biology and is now in his third year of medical school 

his speciality is surgery

so most of his time is dedicated to his clerkship within one of the city’s hospitals

he’s on rotations, so he really never knows what his schedule is but he knows one thing - he has ZERO free time

the million times jae tried to invite him out for dinner with the guys sungjin was like ‘i havent slept in three days. im living off cold coffee. if i eat a full meal it might just kill me’

jae was like,,,,,suit yourself we’re getting curry

sungjin, in tears: have fun,,,,,,,

when he does get ,,, like time off which is rare - very, very rare

he tries to keep up with his musical hobbies, keep up with his guitar and his singing but it’s really just for his fellow friends who all like music too

when he was in college with them he was part of night6, but when he started med school it was like

THAT dream is over,,,,,,,rip

but he still loves music - he’s like the only student in his year who needs to listen to music when studying otherwise he can’t do it

people are like “how do you concentrate with the lyrics?”

and sungjin just kind of vaguely shrugs and he’s like “i don’t hear them - i listen to the melody.”

“so like instrumentals?”

sungjin, eyes wide: “no. i just FEEL the melody”

he shares an apartment with a close friend of his, jaebum who isn’t in med school but is doing his masters in ancient history

the two of them are worlds apart in terms of their careers, but jaebum comes in handy because he understands latin and a lot of sungjin’s textbook use latin prefixes in medical terminology

so sungjin is just like “how do you say this?” and jaebum pronounces it perfectly and sungjin is just like,,,,,,,,,,,,yeah definitely gonna butcher that one

he likes to keep his space clean - and his room is virtually empty because he has no money or time to decorate it

(although, when he graduated all of night6 pitched in together to get him this really cool guitar stand and set of pics so he has those displays - even if dowoon was like ‘that’s corny’)

weird fact though: he’s very good at building ikea furniture. he’s so good with his hands people are like “OH surgery - no wonder! it fits you so well!”

sungjin always tries to make corny dad jokes about why he’s in surgery but they’re never funny jskhgfds

looks super cute wearing the doctor’s mask, his pristine white lab coat, and carrying around his clipboard

all the scrub nurses think he’s just precious,,,,,,,

he’s really popular with moms LOL (and patients in general)

out of all the people in his rotations, he takes getting scolded and snapped at the best

which is interesting because you look at him and think: big softie, which he is 

but he’s also a natural born leader - who keeps it together just so other fellow med students dont get discouraged

(still internally screams during evaluations week though)

you actually meet sungijn at the hospital where he’s doing his clerkship

you’re currently part of the hospital's senior citizen program, where you volunteer to help out those who might have trouble getting around and making sure they get to their apointments

so when the grandmother you’re taking care of needs to see the surgeon - you’re there with her

it’s a minimally invasive surgery, for her kidney stones and the student on the job is none other than sungjin

when he calls you two from the waiting room, you first notice the absolutely genuine concern in his eyes

he’s not like other med students,,,,,who are cold and almost fatigued or overly bright and peppy

he’s very much like an actual doctor - you’d been fooled if you hadn’t been to other appointments before 

(and plus,,,,,,, he’s wearing his uni’s ID badge)

he goes through the usual pre-surgery questions, you have to help her answer some because she forgets and each time you do

sungjin smiles, thanking you 

it’s weird - but there’s this warmth to him, you immediately feel that there’s something about this guy

something that makes you happy he’s going to be a surgeon one day

a nurse comes in to help him prep for the surgery, and you see how careful and methodical his hands are

and when he’s done he gives you and the grandmother one last tiny bow and tells you the nurse will come back to start the anesthesia with the doctor

when it starts, you leave the surgery room to wait for the grandmother in the hall

it won’t take long, so you settle down with a book you’d brought along when you glance up to see sungjin

“park! do you know where the gloves are - we ran out in this room!” someone calls out and sungjin points down the hall “closet, we just restocked.”

a moment later there’s two other students running up to him, barraging him with questions

sungjin answers them, calm and collected

this goes on for a good fifteen minutes - sungjin doesn’t have anytime to himself to finish his notes or start his next intake

he must be really reliable

you observe, but then stifle a giggle when you see him trip over the side of the receptionists desk

sungjin must have heard you because he looks your way, a little red in his cheeks and you shyly have to drop your gaze back to your book

more times pass and then a nurse tells you you can come in, the surgery went well and you’ll be able to take the grandmother home

you thank her - the surgeon, who leaves the room with a nod your way and then you catch sungjin’s eye again

“everything alright?”

you nod and he smiles in return, “im happy to hear it.”

after that,,,you don’t really visit the surgery ward much

but for some reason sungjin stays on your mind

so when a fellow person in your program asks if you can cover and taken one of their seniors to their surgery appointment - you jump at the opportunity

sungjin is a little shocked, but happy to see you again 

“i assume you’re in the seniors program here, that or you love taking old people to the doctor?”

you laugh a little “im a volunteer there, and while it’s not fun taking them to the doctor - it feels like im doing something good.”

sungjin seems to dwell on that for a moment, “it is something good. you’re a good person.”

you stare at him, softening a little “you are too.”

to anyone else it would have just been small talk, you and sungjin are strangers - but you think in that moment something,,,,something sparks

neither you or sungjin have really heard words like that before,,,,,,

sure you were told “oh! volunteering is so good for a resume!” and sungjin had heard “surgeon? how much money will that rack in?!”

but,,,,just a simple “you’re doing this because you’re a good person” can just mean,,,a lot

and although the first time you visit the surgery ward, right after your volunteering shift ends, the nurses look between you and sungjin

and he’s again a bit shocked

it’s not like,,,weird,,,,,,it’s almost as if this could become a regular thing

you only get to talk for maybe five minutes, till sungjin is pulled back into his work

but ,,,, those five minutes are worth it

and every now and then you leave some snacks with one of the nurses to give to sungjin

and they wink up at you and you’re like no,,, i just,,, i want to make sure he eats he’s my friend

and they’re like “mhmm,,,friend”

sungjin brings it up like “the nurses think we’re having some hospital love affair, like in the dramas”

and you laugh it off that time - even though something stirs in your heart just,,,, just a little

a couple of months pass - summer is coming up which means sungjin’s rotations will come to an end for this semester

you’re a little sad, but your visits with him have been getting more comfortable 

and even though sungjin’s sense of humor is a little dated - you enjoy talking with him 

so when you reach the surgery floor, greeting the receptionist as she already knows you by name

your summertime smile drops when you hear the yell

“sungjin, are you joking me? are you some deadbeat first year? you making a mistake like this is beyond my comprehension - you’ve been here long enough for me to know you’re not an idiot. but this makes you look like an idiot!”

the last word makes you cringe, are -  are doctors allowed to talk like that to students?

but no one even bats an eye, the students just look away and some people look a bit uncomfortable

but that’s it

sungjin is left standing there when the doctor throws the papers back into his hands and storms off, the others following behind him

you watch his large shoulders tense - jerk a bit as he turns and then disappears down the corner

“he might be going to the storage closet, third door down that hall.”

the receptionist whispers and you look at her as she tilts her head

“go cheer up your boyfriend.”

you don’t even correct her, your worry for sungjin overrides it as you take her advice 

when you open the door, the small room is dark and you don’t hear any sounds - but you see the outline of sungjin

he’s just standing beside one of the shelves, quiet and defeated

“sungjin?”

he turns around at the sound of your voice, his shoulders don’t relax but he’s not crying or anything

but then, as your eyes adjust a bit - you see the dark bags under his eyes

his hair is a bit of a mess, not combed and clean like usual

you might be exaggerating, but he looks ,,, he looks really bad today

“what’s going on?”

he puts on his ‘it’s all ok, don’t worry about me’ voice and goes “nothing, i just needed a moment.”

you stare at him, almost thorugh him

“no, something is wrong.”

“you have no grounds saying that, you don’t know me that well.”

ouch

that stings and you step back, sungjin seems to have lost that warmth he’s always had

and it’s just in that moment, because sungjin seems to come ot terms with what he’s said and goes to correct himself 

but you just nod, “you’re right. i don’t,,,,,,,”

you turn around and sungjin lifts his hand, but it falters as you start walking away

until he’s alone there again

you don’t come back to visit the surgery clinic

you don’t even try to think about it, and when a student gets into the elevator with you - you do your best to hide your face

but the hospital buzzes with some rumor about you and sungjin breaking up

“are you not with your boyfriend,,,that cute surgery student???” someone asks in your program 

without much emotion you answer, “he wasn’t my boyfriend, not even my friend really.”

it confuses people - but it dies down fast

you and sungjin,,,,,,,,neither of you steps forward first

and it’s only when you hear that it’s the last week of student rotations for this semester that it really dawns on you

he’s never going to apologize is he? 

he’s probably forgotten all about me,,,,,,

but, just as you’re getting ready to leave for the day - saying goodbye to everyone in your program the elevator dings

you turn, to run and catch it when you see who steps out of it

sungjin, awkward and looking around like a lost puppy spots you

in his hand is a boquet of flowers

he walks closer and you kind of just stand there - frozen

“i,,,,,,” he swallows and adjusts his hold on the flowers “i should have done this before, but i ,,,, i just got busy and i -”

“it’s fine. you said what you said and you were right. you didn’t have to go to the gift shop just to get me these.”

sungjin shakes his head, “i got these on my lunch break from an actual florist. i know you said you liked sunflowers so,,,,,,,but also i wasn’t right.”

he looks down, sighing

“i keep a lot of things inside, so when they come out - they come out harsh. you were someone who,,,who made me feel comfortable enough to open up and then i took it out on you when i knew you were there to help. i,,,,i really can be an idiot.”

he laughs sadly and you feel your heart crack a bit

you take the flowers and smell them, looking back up at him

“you’re not an idiot.”

he opens his mouth and you shake your head

“if you were you wouldn’t have made it this far, people wouldn’t relay on you. but you need to remember that sometimes you need to be taken care of to. you need someone to relay on to.”

he falls silent

but in a gentle shy whisper he asks, “is,,,,,would it be ok if i relied on you then?”

you look down into the flowers to hide the smile tugging at your mouth

“of course.”

sungjin’s phone goes off and it’s a text from the students in his clerkship. he has to get going and just as he turns, you pull him back by the sleeve

he’s already put his mask back up, but you pull it down - pressing your lips to his

“when your rotation ends, let’s go on a date - ok?”

sungjin turns every shade of red in the book but he agrees

your first date is a well deserved curry lunch that sungjin has been waiting for for a LONG time

no like seriously, he almost sobs when he gets to eat it and you’re like sungjin,,, and he’s like im sorry ive been living off stale granola bars and packet ramen 

you let him have some of your curry,,,,he almost eats half of it LOL

afterwords you’re walking through the park, the warm evening weather makes it easy for you guys to just wander

when you hear one of the street performers playing on their guitar

you stop to listen, when sungjin suddenly pulls from your side

you watch, confused as he whispers something into the performers ear and your eyes go wide when the guy hands sungjin his guitar

with a smile, sungjin starts to play the chords to one of your songs that you’d mentioned

he sings along, eyes locked on yours and you feel your heart melt inside your chest

when he finishes the performer goes “you must be engaged or something, he loves you so much!”

and sungjin is like “actually,,,,,,,,,this is our first date”

unfortunately, dates are scarce with sungjin till his summer break kicks in 

but it’s ok, you see him for those five minute chats in the hospital

and one of the nurses goes “i saw those two kissing out in the hospital garden this morning~”

you and sungjin: WHAT

the nurse: I KNOW WHAT YOU DID

the other students are all apparently jealous of your relationship,,,that it’s so lucky you volunteer at the same hospital - that they want love too :(

but you’re like guys,,,,don’t get it wrong sungjin is still in a fully committed relationship with his medical textbooks and clerkship,,,,you’re just a third wheel jokes jokes

but honestly, you don’t even mind it’s cool getting to be like “my boyfriends going to be a surgeon”

also i repeat: he looks freaking CUTE in the lab coat 

you put a sticker on his ID card and even though sungjin loves keeping things clean and professional

he keeps it there,,,,because it’s cute - you’re freaking cute

it’s funny though because someone tells you sungjin has a photo of you two in his locker at the hospital and you’re like no way

and when you ask him he just gets red like,,,huh,,,what,,,,,uh,,,,,

you finally get to meet his friends when the summer breaks around and,,,,,god is it funny

jae is just like “bro i thought you were fake ,,,,, i thought for sure sungjin fever dreamed you up or something”

dowoon and youngk just accept you because they trust you love sungjin - even past his dad jokes

and wonpil has a lot of questions. many questions 

“does sungjin make you play that board game with him,,,surgery! yeah surgery-”

“why would he do that-” sungjin, putting a hand over your mouth “shhh don’t answer him - if you do,,,,the questions will never stop.”

since he’s not up to his ears in work and school, you also get to experience more of sungjin’s musical ability

which shocks you everytime - like you’re just like you could have been a musician,,,,why choose surgery??

but you don’t ask him though, you respect his decisions 

but you do shower him in compliments that makes sungjin all giddy and pink

100% comes over and helps you build furniture if you need him too LOL actually fixed your computer too,,,, he’s like a genius with his hands

(in more ways than one)

im just saying that one night,,,when he’s supposed to be just dropping you off after a date maybe,,,you let him in,,,,you know,,,,and sungjin is so cute he’s really like  “what do you wanna watch on netflix?” and you just pull your shirt off and he’s like OH THATS WHY IM HERE

but he’s also like,,,,he’s not a novice - he knows what he’s doing

you check the marks out in the morning and you’re like woah sungjin, you have more energy then expected

sungjin hiding his face in your pillow “im sorry,,,”

teaches you some guitar when you guys have indoor dates, he puts his hands over yours and everything

his bland, clean room starts showing signs of you

like he has a drawer with some of your things - polaroids of you and him hang up on the wall above his desk

and it’s like,,,sungjin is really happy about it

jaebum even notes that he seems to be more comfortable about himself now that he has you

if you guys just have a moment where it’s quiet, you’re laying on his bed and he’s doing something on his laptop at his desk

you’ll look over and just be like “really?” because your cute, nerdy boyfriend is reading wikipedia articles about some weird medical discoveries - even during his break from school

when he goes back, you’re sad about your time together getting cut

but at the same time you have fun making cute flash cards for sungjin’s exams

and just supporting him again with little visits and snacks

and sungjin is honestly lovestruck at this point - it’s so noticeable and it’s like

he never losses it,,,he falls in love with you everyday all over and over agian

like you just smile at him and god his heart burSTS

jae gets your number just to be like: listen, let’s prank sungjin and say i need surgery

you: that’s mean jae

jae: you and him are a good couple, the no-fun couple -___-

sungjin is definitely a kiss on the forehead person, especially when you can’t do a lot of PDA at the hospital

might secretly have asked night6 to play a song he wrote about you for your first anniversery,,,

you cried - he cried,,,,wonpil literally BALLED his eyes out

you and sungjin ended up comforting him

idk,,you guys just are such good people made for each other accept it ok

day6: jae | wonpil | youngk  by group: bangtan | vixx | got7 | nct | kard | monsta x | seventeen gg specials: amber | momo | irene commissioned: iu | chanyeol | hongseok

#day6 scenarios #day6 imagines #day6 au #sungjin scenarios #sungjin imagines #sungjin au #park sungjin #day6 #college!au #park sungjin scenarios #park sungjin imagines #i ............kinda like this one

[whatevercomesupcomesout]

I finally put two and two together that my inner critic is all the adults in my life when I was growing up. "If you keep being messy, no man will want you" "I'm gonna have to put a ad in the newspaper to find you someone" "if you don't learn to cook/clean/keep an orderly house you will never keep a man" forget how much finding a man was pushed upon me. They've placed the blame of my solitary life on me. If I ended up alone it's due to the list of things I can't do. Women in my family are always trying to outdo each other. Clean more, cook better, nurture more. My mom wanted me to succeed so much and if I had when I had the chance maybe I would have. I wish the adults in my life would have just told me I was ok. Instead I got told that fat women deserve to be cheated on. Talking behind my back about my weight. My moms obsession with making me smaller. She finally had the time to spend on her body and she went to the gym every day. Always wondering why I wouldn't join her. As if our goals and aspirations we're similar. No one has ever called me a garbage can or a flaming pile of shit, that's probably just my good imagination. Instead I think about how my ex called me a fat bitch. I think about how my old neighbor called me a fat black pig. I look around my house and see all the proof that I am not perfect and actually not even close to it. I'm so broken and so worn down at times. I seek the happy memories when I am struggling but the forest of bad blocks my view. Did I mention my OT told me I was the second strongest woman she had tested in a while? That stuck with me. That's how deprives of praise I am. Praise. Maybe that's what I yearn for. That's why I get upset when Clay seeks praise. Because no one pats me on the back for showering or doing a load of laundry. Even though it's like a battle just to do one of those. I wanna do something different. I wanna be someone different.

This is what I hear in my head most moments : what a garbage can, so useless. I literally can't do anything right. Why are you so lazy. why am I such a bum. I can't do anything right. I'm such a constant burden on my family. I'm reactive and insensitive sometimes. I disassociate sometimes and people think I'm rude and uninterested.i take so many meds but I don't feel like I get anything from them. I can't even be a functional parent I just stay tired and unmotivated. I haven't read my email because I'm afraid I'll have some crazy email firing me.

Idk I don't think they'd do it that way but. Still.

This shit is finally kicking in. So I get to sleep.

Listen to Juice by Iyla and sing yourself love songs. Go.

[lokbobpop]

Drug

The word Drug, taken from French word Drogue which means Dry Herb, strongly suggests that earliest drugs were taken out from plant sources. Earliest people used to treat diseases by some unconventional methods, using plants, animal products and minerals, of them plants were given priority

Drug d rug dru g

Writing drug

I dont take drugs but i did take drugs mostly hash smoking I remember being wiped out in Thailand with drugs id had my first smoke at 13/14 around then it did nothing then when i we met people who smoked we smoked loads then whe i traveled i did.

But three times in my life i took lsd once at 17 ish a friend gave it to my to try and it freaked me out god only know then what i took it on my wedding day it was pretty good though lots of laugh stayed up all nigh no tripping which was great and then another time down at

Also took ecstasy once or twice

Reading drug

Drug stores how they are called in the states where you get your drugs we call medication

Drugs to me it the kind only that are illegal not the drugs you get from your doctor they are just meds

Whe you see drug addicts looking like hell and cant go long without a hit of drugs and i thought my upbringing was bad imagine what there’s was like to be like this to have to do this how did this happen what happen to them as children not being about to cope with there mind ot the point drugs rule them very few seem to come round many die

I guy i was friend with took drugs down wan chai and died down a back ally knobby Robbie why of why did he do that i dont know.

The pharmas th beige pharma that are killing us just this moment my daughter said she has ot have the vax for collage im gutted why did she have to have it i dont want her to have it its fucking experimental it not safe but she ok with it.

I hate drugs i hate the way the gov are making us take these drugs how we are all in so much fear and are angry to those who dont take these drugs why are they doing this with the chance of 0.003 % of dying what the fuck its not right.

Im in a state rigth now about drugs with my daughter having to have it im so angry a the powers that be are doing htis to us do more control.

Thoughts of covid saying its ok nothing to worry about you aren scared are you like what the fuck why did they say that when we already know they want to get us all vaxed with there nano technology

Fear of drugs fear my children will take drugs

Saying drug

To be drugged like that date rape drug fear of this happening to me when i was younger seeing all men a potential threats in doing this to me

How when you are drugged you are numbed your lose something you have not the control that you had even with drinking you cant do what you did before you are like lost i yourself even more than you were before why do we do this why do we num ourselves why? Our minds haunt us so much we need to get out of the mind and this is whys to do it so we dont have ot face the mind not to listen to get a high escape how it goes away not face the mind for a moment.

Im anti drugs yes even though i took drugs i am anti drugs i dont want my girls to become dependent on drugs.

Hatred for those in power pushing these drugs this nano technology i hope your review give you hell when you die you are not equal to me or are you as i am just a being also like you would i do this yes sure i like to thing i wouldnt but would i vaccinate a flock of chickens so they wouldnt get ill yes would i care and side affects no i wouldnt care or even think so why isnt the chicken equal to a person as all is equal.

When you see in hte movies they drug someone to knock them out

Drugs are a massive problem with our young it ruins there lives

People who get caught smuggling drugs

Love is a drug they say

Sf

Does this definition support me no no so much fear like now what will happen to my leilani if she has this drug people being addicted to drugs with no hope of every changing them selves

Drug hugs

Drug

Mediation to support the body

I will use this word to support myself when i need drugs/medication for those that dont support the body are the people that have had a far worse childhood than i would ever of had and they need this taken into consideration of who they have become they need to see like me that you aren’t that kid now you are an adult this doesn’t not need to affect you right now.

[kurtwarren54]

Pregnancy 2 // First Trimester

Figured I would do an update on how the first trimester was for Baby 2! Things have been different and more intense the second time around! Excited to share the details with you below.

WEIGHT GAINED

I haven’t tracked my exact weight for JUST the first trimester but at my 16 week appt I had gained 9 pounds which my dr said was normal and on track! I will say the pounds started packing on WAY faster this second time around. Almost to the point I was freaked out. But you have to think that everything is growing and taking shape faster and as long as I am on track with my doctor I am feeling great. It is always also strange coming off fertility treatment into pregnancy because I am not fully myself. I had been doing fertility medication for almost a year and that always adds some start weight. But, like I said, it’s all part of my story. All part of my process. And honestly, the fact that I am here, it all doesn’t matter. I am so grateful to be pregnant and have a healthy baby!!

HOW I’M FEELING: PHYSICALLY

Nausea

GOOD GOD. My nausea was 10x worse this time around. At 6 weeks, I went on diclegis prescription for nausea and took 2 pills at night. Despite being on meds, I still struggled through most of my first trimester with extreme nausea. Luckily I did not have vomiting but man… the nausea was REALLY bad. To be honest with you, none of the “tricks” worked for me either. Sure snacks, small meals, ginger, etc etc but nope. Massive unrelenting nausea. The hardest part about it is that being the mom to a toddler means you don’t have the luxury of resting like you do as a first time pregnant woman. Having to take care of an active child while struggling with feeling ill is miserable. I have to thank Blake for pretty much taking over the minute he would be done with work to help me as I was doubled over on the couch. It was rough. And rough knowing just how long the first trimester is. What I did make sure to do was ALWAYS have a snack in the mid afternoon. If I didn’t have some kind of snack between 2-4pm, I would be even more miserable. Saltine crackers were always on my nightstand along with bold chex mix, and goldfish. 

Growing pains

I experienced some more intense round ligament pain in my groin area this time around. I noticed it mostly at night. Especially when I needed to lawn, or sneeze or make a bigger movement I would get a twitch of pain from it.

Pregnancy Brain

Like my first pregnancy, pregnancy brain is a REAL THING. I swear the moment I got pregnant my brain turned to mush. It’s hard to explain but I can’t remember anything to save my life. Lol!

Exhaustion

I was a new level of tired being pregnant and chasing a toddler. Truth be told being in a pandemic didn’t help either. Not being able to take him places etc. I was very tired but the sickness bothered me more than being tired.

Constipation

Sorry if that’s TMI but wow the constipation was bad this time around. The first month or two was tough and I know it also has alot to do with how much progesterone is in my body. Since I wasn’t drinking coffee after my transfer right away, it was extra tough. I always feel like coffee gets me moving. HA! I know. So much TMI. You’re welcome.

Baby bump

This time around I feel my belly popped out a lot sooner! At 14 weeks I feel I had a tiny little bump. I am sure I will look back and be like, WOW that wasn’t much of a bump but it’s when I felt there was a defined transformation. 

HOW I’M FEELING: MENTALLY

I think similarly to my first pregnancy, after so much loss (with each of our failed embryo transfers) you keep waiting and holding your breath as each week passes you by. Each week it’s own milestone. And you find yourself thinking, “Oh I will feel good once I hear the heart beat!” “Oh I will feel good when I hit the second trimester.” But really, I think there is always a sense of unease as you move through the process. I think it’s healthy to be a little bit nervous. It’s honest. I think things have just been more stressful with the fact that we are still in a global pandemic because of Covid-19. That has put alot of stress on us keeping our family safe during these times and staying as isolated as we can while also being aware of taking care of our mental health. We are very fortunate living where we do to be able to spend time together outdoors and that has been great for the mind and body. Really, I go to bed, and wake up every day just so damn grateful knowing that I am growing life and repeating to myself that I AM PREGNANT. And THIS IS OUR CHANCE. This is our miracle. It’s been such an emotional roller coaster to get to this point and really, despite any outside stressors buzzing around, I am just so grateful and smile so big everyday knowing that next Summer I get to make Otis a big brother. 

WHAT I’M EATING

First trimester for me was CARBS. CARBS and MORE CARBS. Honestly most days I barely had an appetite because of how sick I felt but I know how important it was to nourish my body. So I would basically have to force myself to have my meals. ESPECIALLY when it came to dinner. I had no appetite at all at night. It was bad.

That being said, I didn’t have any coffee for weeks. First off because I avoid caffeine after my embryo transfer and didn’t feel comfortable drinking it until after I heard the heartbeat. At a certain point, when my nausea would allow in the am and I was in the mood for coffee, I started to drink it again. I started with decaf but then had some headaches and my doctor always encourages me to have 1 cup of caffeine to help with my headaches. What I was drinking and couldn’t stop was bubble water (or carbonated water) whatever you like to call it. I usually prefer lukewarm drinks but this pregnancy I was craving ICED COLD bubble water. We actually ended up getting this carbonated water maker and we literally use it EVERY SINGLE DAY. For some reason the cold bubble water just helped with my nausea believe it of not.  

Thankfully eggs were a lifesaver for me and I could tolerate them. My favorite go to breakfast that didn’t make me want to throw up: a piece of toast, a tiny bit of mayo, and a sliced hard boiled egg with salt and pepper. I basically ate that every day. I also had a lot of bagels with cream cheese when I wasn’t feeling great. Food was just tough so we didn’t meal plan as much so I could eat more what I could stomach that day.

As the first trimester went on, I was able to eat more regularly. I always try to eat protein for breakfast (like egg) to help really nourish me. I also try to make smarter choices and slip some protein in my afternoon snack. My favorites: string cheese, chocolate covered almonds, toast or apples with almond butter. Don’t get me wrong, some days I have a bowl of chips, a cupcake, or something else that is naughty. I think it’s all about balance and sometimes, you just have to indulge.

HOW I’M SLEEPING

First trimester sleep was rough. With the waking up to pee almost every night that was one element. It’s likely the hormone changes that always get to me. Last pregnancy I had to take unisom to get some form of normal sleep. Since I started the diclegis at 6 weeks with 2 pills at night, I found that helped me sleep MUCH better. So for now, I am sleeping ok. Some nights are better than others. I do toss and turn alot. 

EXERCISE

I didn’t really work out at all till at least around 10-11 weeks. Of course I was doing my daily walks with Otis etc and getting my steps in and my blood pumping. But I wanted to take it easy and honestly I didn’t have the energy to do anything before then. Starting at 11 weeks I started short 10 minute workouts on my elliptical that we have in our garage and Blake got me for Christmas. I try to do that, or just walk briskly on our treadmill for 10-15 minutes. There are weeks I barely get 1 “workout” if you even want to call it that. Basically I just try to get my blood pumping whether I am walking for Otis’ morning walk or doing something else. I also started prenatal yoga class (virtually online) every week and its been music ot my soul. Great stretching and a great time for me to sit and connect with my body and the baby. It’s something I really enjoyed while pregnant with Otis so it’s a sense of comfort being able to participate even from my computer at home.

MEDS IM TAKING

For most of the first trimester, I stayed on alot of my IVF medications. I stayed on my prednisone steroids till 9 weeks and then weaned down my estrogen patches as well as weaned down to 1 progesterone injection a day. During this time, I did get some hormonal headaches with all the fluctuations but luckily they weren’t horrible and only lasted 2 days. I finally was able to stop all my meds (with the exception of baby aspirin and my diclegis) at my graduation appointment from the fertility clinic at 12 weeks!!! This was a HUGE milestone after literally doing injections and taking medications for almost a year in prep for each of my FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycles.

CHALLENGES

The biggest hurdles this pregnancy have been knowing and believing that feeling like crap would likely get better at the end of the first trimester. After a year of hormone meds, and then feeling awful my first trimester, a UTI, a yeast infection from the meds of the UTI (sorry TMI!!) I got to the point where being in my own skin was just frustrating. Being pregnant is a WILD things because your body is completely taken over. It’s beautiful in many ways and also still really emotionally challenging in others. I am so thankful to see the light at the end of the tunnel of the first tri. But anyone else that is “IN IT” my heart hugs yours mamas. It’s tough!!

WHAT I’M WEARING

I feel everything comes on sooner with the second pregnancy and the need for stretchy things came sooner. When it comes to leggings, I still wear my pre-pregnancy lululemon align leggings which are high rise and so stretchy as well as my alo leggings that are really soft and a little lower rise. Both still fit comfortably and fit over my growing body. Toward the end of my first trimester, I ended up buying these maternity leggings from beyond yoga and I LOVE them. They feel like second skin and are so buttery soft. They come all the way up over your bump or you can also fold it down to go under. Highly suggest them as they are SO comfy.

Also because I don’t leave my house often (because of Covid-19) I wear a ton of sweats. These sets from Michael Stars have been a guilty pleasure because they are SO soft and made of terry material. I also love my sweat set from Tan Lines that Sivan sent over. The material is SO soft and I feel like a cool mom in them. Although Blake made fun of my crop top sweater. HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT IS COOL!!! I do enjoy wearing more cropped tops when pregnant to let the belly have it’s little bit of room. I did end up getting one pair of maternity denim from jbrand that actually fit great toward the end of my first trimester also. Will report back when I wear them out. Equally stretchy too.

I did buy 3 bras from skims that I have been loving too. This scoop bra, this triangle bra and this nursing bra are all GREAT. I wanted to see what the hype was about with this brand and I have to say the materials are ON POINT. VERY comfy. If you plan to order, SIZE UP and size up big time. I got at least size L in everything because my boobs are enormous now and I feel their stuff runs small. I also have a ton of bras from Otis’ pregnancy. From last pregnancy, I have my hatch and bravado bras that I wear weekly also.

It’s different for the second pregnancy because you start showing and feeling bigger sooner (at least in my case) so you are in that in between period of not fully having a bump but feeling large and awkward if that makes sense. I have to say, a perk of pandemic life is the fact that I am mostly in lounge wear so I have been able to avoid real clothes for most of the first trimester aside from doctors appointments etc.

SELF LOVE

First trimester was just really challenging with not feeling well constantly. Hard to give yourself self love, in a pandemic, with no childcare help. If anything, I tried to listen to my body, and lay down when Otis was napping and try my best to give my body the much needed rest it was craving. Nearing the end of the first tri, showers and a blow dry were my self care routine and even an at home mani/pedi. Feeling better was already such a treat and allowed me the time to do some other things for myself. I think it’s just so important to listen to your body and slow down when you need it. 

FIRST TRIMESTER PURCHASES

Purchases for me:

Skims scoop bra

Skim maternity nursing bra

Skims triangle bra

Beyond yoga maternity capri leggings

Aarke water carbonator

Lululemon align leggings

Summer fridays babymoon belly balm

Purchases for baby:

Kyte baby rainbow onesie

Kyte baby toddler blanket

Moby mickey wrap (blake bought this for me!)

Letterfolk sign

Masongrey baby bundle

BABY PREPARATIONS

So we didn’t do much to prep for baby in the first trimester except for me sharing our good news with my good friend (and interior design guru) Anne! She helped to plan out the interiors of our whole home including master bedroom, living and dining rooms, and most recently Otis’ nursery. I basically texted her and forced her to dream up Baby #2 nursery ideas so we are currently working on that! IT’S GOING TO BE EPIC.

WHAT’S NEXT

I am looking forward to more ultrasounds!!!! I can not WAIT for my anatomy scan at 20 weeks to get some more face time with baby. Other than that, it’s check off each week as an incredible milestone and try to remain as active as I can to help get my body strong for delivery again. It’s exciting to near the half mark and be buying things for baby, talking to Otis about the baby and just imagining our life together as a family. I honestly am still in shock everyday. I feel lucky everyday. Our rainbows have brighten out life immensely and I am so excited to continue to share our journey with you all. Big love from all of us.

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